Relationship Chemistry – True Or False?

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The Question:

“Rori,  Do you think you can create chemistry between two people who don’t have it?

I was watching Sex and the City where Carrie meets Aiden and although there isn’t a ton of chemistry she realizes how good he is to her and how effortless the relationship is…yet she can’t help but fall back into an affair with Big because of the chemistry they shared.

Aiden was great…but Big had the chemistry and therefore had her heart. Confused”

My Answer:

Confused, I have a very different view of Chemistry and Attraction.

I believe a MAN HAS to “Feel it” for a woman – his energy has to be coming TOWARDS us for the whole life of our relationship (forever, we hope). HE has to experience the literal definition of “Chemistry” as a chemical, physical response to our smell, taste, feel, looks, vibe and subconscious energy patterns.

We WOMEN, on the other hand, I believe – can CREATE chemistry for ourselves.

We have our instinctive responses, just like men do – but very often they are FALSE. They are based on a subconscious desire to HURT ourselves, to PUNISH ourselves, throw ourselves under a bus.

Very often we’re attracted to a man who is just like…..(could be anyone – I remember the time when I was devastatingly attracted to any man who looked like James Caan, based on a movie role he once played).

We women have to learn to develop our feeling of chemistry based on RECEIVING love from a man who is deeply chemically attracted to us. We have to keep in mind our goals of having a fantastic RELATIONSHIP – with a man who can DO the job. (We’re not talking about starting out with a man we don’t even want to kiss – we’re talking about pleasantness versus bells ringing here.)

We’re talking a man who can hear us, be there for us, inspire our desires for fun, adventure, emotional connection. Someone who can help us be a better, stronger, happier person.

And I’ve added this just now:

When we allow this to happen – it’s magical, and it makes the old kind of “chemistry” look shabby. All of a sudden we feel safe.  We feel “got” – and then we uncork ourselves.

We allow ourselves out to play, to Be, to live, to experience, to share.  We allow our inner “Swamp Thing,” our inner “Stranger” to SPEAK to us.  We start to listen to ourselves, hear all our different voices, our different notes – and we begin to feel safe SHARING all of this with him.

We become more loving and accepting of ourselves, and then that just overflows onto him, and then he loves and gives more – and we begin to EXPAND.  We expand the relationship, and then the relationship expands US.

(Also – the thing with Carrie and Aiden – I think Carrie’s character at this point in the show was – if it were real life – very shallow in terms of knowing what she wanted and really being able to relate on a deeper level with someone. Her connection with Big was really fleshed out in the movie, but the whole Aiden-Big thing at that point in the show just didn’t ring true for me.)

I’ve had all different kinds of Chemistry – and the one I have now – where you brave touching each other’s souls, working through stress and fear and the patterns of daily life, going beyond, working together is just way more amazing than the easy kind. Just is.

A good man’s tenderness coming at you – so you can experience it in your body in the form of loving physical affection – when that happens, it can create goodwill that can last days, and it makes all the minor disappointments fade. Imagine if it could just keep building – so that there’s so much goodwill and loving “capital” between you – that’s how a REAL fire gets and stays going forever.

Let me know what you think.

Love, Rori

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  1.  #1Reshi on November 9, 2008 at 9:29 am

    “A good man’s tenderness coming at you – so you can experience it in your body in the form of loving physical affection – when that happens, it can create goodwill that can last days, and it makes all the minor disappointments fade. Imagine if it could just keep building – so that there’s so much goodwill and loving “capital” between you – that’s how a REAL fire gets and stays going forever.”

    I KNOW that’s true. That was what I had with my husband when we were dating. It was magical and wonderful and it did expand us. You could FEEL the good will between us, and everything we had to do was just joyful working together, no drama, no fights, no nothing.

    It really was absolutely amazing. And now I feel so sad thinking that the fire has gone out for good, like I’ll never even SEE it again much less experience it. And I love my sadness and I love the fact that I DID experience that wonderful kind of chemistry for some time in my life…and I so want to experience it FOREVER. That would feel like me being warm and expansive and joyful, like I don’t have to keep secrets or hide behind a wall anymore, like I can Just Be when I’m with him, and like I can say ANYTHING–even the hard things–and it’ll be heard. And I want to feel a loving physical connection with a good man again. That is what I want to see happen in my marriage and in my love life.

    And a voice in my head is telling me I can’t have that, that romance only ever declines and can never be rekindled once it’s gone, that once a man has SEEN me for who I am the mystery is gone and he’ll never be interested again. And I love that Voice but I don’t want to listen to it, I want to believe that I’ve still got plenty of mystery in me and that I have the essence of divine, healing femininity within me…that I can HEAL my relationship and myself and my man, just by being me. And that would feel warm, joyful, and blissful throughout my entire body…and now I’m going to go dance so I can get that feeling going.

  2.  #2Reshi on November 9, 2008 at 10:20 am

    And now I feel the healing, loving energy…and what I KNOW to be true now is that it only takes a TINY FRACTION of my immense power to heal any man, to take him to Paradise. I don’t have to put ALL my power towards healing a relationship–I am TOO powerful and that would blow out the circuits! Instead, I can turn my power back towards my own life, and let a man come bask in the glow of the excess that radiates off of me when I am happy with ME. Because they don’t want the power and the focus, they want the glow–and we don’t have the glow if we aren’t focused on our own selves. I don’t have to do a damn thing to GET his interest…I just have to get my own interest, forget about him, and be pleasantly surprised and open and warm when he arrives!

  3.  #3Daria on November 9, 2008 at 1:23 pm

    I had a date this weekend with a man I had only met once before and felt lots of chemstry with… con side: I drove (really nice day and felt like being out… feelings were giving me 100% ok). Unexpected results: he was very depressed… I have not dealt with a man like this in a long time “Things don’t ever go right for me, I see why people kill themselves, etc” not to mention talking about ex gf problems right off the bat AND we somehow saw her in a parking lot and she came over to the car and yelled at us!!! Amazingly none of this shook my balance… I felt kind of turned off by the sad vibe and although I felt worried and very sad for him I did not volunteer help I just continued to share my own feelings of feeling good and relaxed…
    Then I was feeling very powerful and as an experiment I telephoned this guy who I used to date… I was very hung up on him before… I wanted to go lay down at his house because the house I was at was becoming very noisy. He said no then yes when I accepted his no. (LOL very funny to me now that I feel almost irresistible). I went and did get my nap and he was very nice to me the whole time. I did however find out he’s dating another woman. I felt a little dissapointed but not overwhelmed, I have come so far in how strong I feel around him. When I woke up and he came to take me downstairs to hang out with him, I very directly refused his request to take something upstairs for him, and when he disappeared upstairs for too long I left… I had asked him if he thought I should stay and he said yes, but he took too long. I love how feeling messages and just the whole VIBE work on this man! =)

    It is now the next day and feel kind of jealous that he is dating someone else… I also feel pleased with my progress… I want more, though. I want him to call me… he does not although he seems jealous seeing me spend time with other men and I can tell he is attracted to me. I don’t think he used to call me in the past when our relationship started… we were friends and I did most of the calling which was fine since I was not attracted to him then… now we have some “history” and he is probably not calling because of that… he is a “player” and I know he notices the effect his words and actions have on me and women in general… I will let him go again now but dang if he was calling me I would have hit one of my goals of what I want to happen for me… lol


    I feel disappointed. I love that part of me and a part of me feels so glad. A part of me feels glad that I am getting so good at following my feelings, not only in my body but also in the decisions I make. I am no longer feeling constrained by masculine/feminine rules… I can do a masculine seeming thing but this does not mean I will always want to do it… I am feel securely grounded in my feminine. On the other hand I feel disappointed that I feel lonely. I have been attracting attractive men… which is what I said I wanted… now I would like to attract more attractive men who can step forward in ways that are surprising and interesting to me. So far I have met a lot of men who cannot step forward and it is definitely interesting practice with them and I can heal a lot of myself this way. I am feeling choked tightness in my heart that I am still not getting 100% the results I want with this man or even with that man… I feel my fear and my loneliness and I love it… and it feels like smiling and being loved… I feel shaky and I feel angry! I am imagining scenarios where I feel rejected! And that is ok… I love myself my shakiness and anger, my imagination and I love working with myself this way… and again I feel like I just got a hug from myself… I hope a stepping up man can get to me (a stepping man would be able to get to me of course) since my phone is so cluttered with nonstepping up men… lol… I love the experimenting… and right now I feel kind of tired and want to relax… it feels like I have been doing something exciting! maybe this is the time where I “rest” but honestly I would love to “rest” on a nice date where I’m feeling taken care of and hugged and attended to, with someone familiar to me. I feel disappointed… instead I will rest by taking a shower and maybe going outside where it is so nice… taht will feel good too… I feel tight in my upper abdomen… I love my feelings… I love feeling that my breathing is constrained… and even though that sounds funny I love it anyway… I want to feel happy! I want to feel desired ESPECIALLY by difficult men… I want them to feel EASY for me! And I feel so happy and bright eyed thinking about this… and it seems like it’s already starting to come through… and a part of me feels scared that this is too much focus on men and I love that part of me too… and a part of me really does want to have this and I love that part too! I love this technique from Rori of loving both parts, that is when you love a negative part you know you also have the positive part and love that too…

    uf I feel frustrated that I am not getting calls from that one man! And I feel ashamed of saying that here but that is ok I love my shame! I do! And part of me wants to feel so powerful and completely irresistible and I love that part too. And part of me wants to have his attention and calls and commitment to say that she has reached that level and I love that part of me. And part of me wants to feel that I already have all this and maybe I don’t need any of it… and I love that part too even though the other part is feeling desperate and enraged! I love my desperation and my rage! I feel so happy and pleased loving my parts… they are like children! They are all worthy! Oh yay! I feel smily… and I feel drawn to the phone to see who if anyone has called me… and I feel worried and ashamed by this addiction/desire and I love my worry and shame… and I feel tired and a little bored now… I love my tiredness and boredom… I love my rampant thoughts and the way they make my head feel dizzy and hot… I love my hotness and dizzyness…
    I feel like smiling…

    I am going to take a shower…

  4.  #4TW on November 9, 2008 at 5:52 pm

    I have been seeing this guy off and on for 7 years. He doesn’t want to commit because he says that if he can not give me his all then he doesn’t want to go there but he also said that I was trying to force him. Ladies it was bad. I cried all the time when I was around him, wrote letters explaining why I was the one, all of it. He straightened up for a few weeks but has gone cold again. He was my focus and still is. I want him to call me 3x a day like he did when we met and want to see me all the time like he once did instead of I will deal with you when its convenient. Help!

  5.  #5TW on November 9, 2008 at 8:12 pm

    I made a post to the wrong area. I’m new to this.

  6.  #6Bethany on November 9, 2008 at 8:26 pm

    Reshi–They want the glow! I believe you are so right…and it’s like we’re all so scared or resistant to believing that we can create happiness with ourselves even while things aren’t going the way we want with a guy. But I feel like that’s how it’s working for me! The happier I am, the more I feel his energy coming toward me, and if I’m down and cranky one day, he won’t call…riff, riff, riff it out!

  7.  #7Bethany on November 9, 2008 at 8:27 pm

    Oh, and TW, I’d suggest doing all the Power & Self-Esteem posts from the first one, like Rori suggested to me…you will see, it works!

  8.  #8alias girl on November 10, 2008 at 12:28 am

    i am so grateful for this blog. it is near impossible to make progress in a vaccum with it all spinning in my head. but to have tools to experiment with and then to come back and relate honestly about how im feeling and the results im getting. and to be able to read other womens experiences as well gives me great hope and helps me heal and grow at a much quicker pace and i was even thinking today i need to get the reconnect your relationshp program bc i have a really good feeling that i am going to be in a relationship soon and will need those kinds of tools. yae. i truly want a wonderful relationahip with a really great guy who treats me like a queen and enjoys being my king. 🙂

  9.  #9JP on November 10, 2008 at 5:05 pm

    Reshi, I love your post! I feel like dancing myself.

    TW – the tools are great, keep going. Rori has it nailed. The more you focus on yourself in baby-step ways, the less meaning you attach to your man’s distance.

    Right, I’m putting some music on now:) I feel all warm round the hips! After a long day at work, I have an image of my thoughts as lots of little people building houses, and now I’m changing them into big pink flowers. I like using images in this way. I can feel myself smiling and really relaxing now.

    Good night, all! x

  10.  #10Reshi on November 10, 2008 at 9:18 pm

    JP, I’ve found that dancing (preferably naked in front of a mirror so I can tell myself how gorgeous I am and how much I love me) is 100% hands down the best way to shift my mood. Sometimes I do it in conjunction with Riffing, and that works beautifully together. It’s amazing.

    On the topic of feeling beautiful, last week I was talking with one of my best friends at work and she was like “Girl, if I looked like you, every time I was upset I’d just look in the mirror and that would fix EVERYTHING.” Now this woman is absolutely FLAWLESS and I’m short, fat, and poorly dressed! But she grew up in a community that appreciates MY type of looks, and I grew up in a community that appreciates hers.

    It got me to thinking. If someone else can see my beauty, why can’t I try and see my own? And it WORKS. Sometimes I can even get to seeing myself as flawless. It’s a huge mood-shifter.

  11.  #11JP on November 11, 2008 at 3:46 am

    Reshi that’s so fabulous! I’m smiling my head off here:) I bet you’re gorgeous, you minx! Sounds like you’re getting great messages about yourself, ones that are drowning out the old message about being short & fat. Bring it on!

    I’m so visual, by nature it seems, that I feel good trying out different senses in my journey. When I’m anxious I’m in my head making little movies of painful situations. That makes me feel so awful, so nauseous and disconnected from the immediacy of the moment and the good things that may be happening right now. When I try shifting by touching something (and now I’ll try dancing, that’s a physical thing too) it really works for me.

    I caught on to Rori’s email about a year ago – the one where she says all the anxiety and pain around men is a ‘habit’ (a much more constructive idea than an ‘addiction’). I’m into the idea of neural pathways – a trigger leads to an automatic response, a collection of thoughts and feelings. Yesterday, I was listening to someone with obsessive compulsive disorder describe it as like a spider going back and forth over the same bit of web, making the connection thicker and thicker. I really click with that analogy. So, touching something, dancing, changing my images – all stop the spider going back and forth. The sticky icky path weakens and the spider goes on the new path, a feel-good path.

    And the bit I really like about that is I’M DOING IT MYSELF – I’m healing myself. Together with an acceptance that I can’t control the outcome of my relationships (in fact – it’s really empowering to let go and let life unfold) I find this so powerful.

  12.  #12TW on November 11, 2008 at 6:24 am

    You guys are too funny!!! I am glad that I have some good things to read about. I dance all of the time. Sometimes to the point I am huffing and puffing but it makes me feel great just as you said. I am just doing me right now and it feels good. I am going to spend some time with just me today!!!

  13.  #13Daria on November 11, 2008 at 12:49 pm

    I woke up today feeling icky… I didn’t want to get out of bed, nothing seemed fun, and I still felt tired. I loved (which for me is simply saying I love you ) some of these feelings and I fell back asleep, waking up when I had reached a better feeling point in my dream… then I did a mini-hypnosis session where I counted down from 3 and said I’d be in trance… then said my negative feelings melted completely away and now I am feeling happy and ready to jump out of bed and enjoy my day…counted back from 3 to 1 and did get out feeling better… now I have kind of sunk back down however. My mom is on the phone right here and for some reason I feel grossed out and annoyed hearing voices. I don’t feel good. I feel sad. I feel beaten. I feel hopeless. I feel angry having to go to my job. I don’t want to work there. I’m having my 2nd review tomorrow to talk about the raise they passed me up for. I have lost my desire to work there right now. I feel scared I will not do anything better if I leave. I feel scared. Everyone praises me about this job. Before that they would get down on me and try to make me feel worthless. I am afraid of being a failure my whole life because of believing in luck and success without having a bird in hand. I love my feelings of sadness. I love my sunk feeling. I love feeling sorry for myself. And a part of me wants to feel powerful and I love that part too. And I love the part of me that feels angry and screams no. I feel dizzy. I feel like getting stuck in one position with a frown on my face. I love my feelings. I feel like a crumpled heap on the floor, and I feel tired. I love my crumpled feelings. I feel disgusted. I love my disgust. It feels like my throat tight and I love my throat. And it feels like my cheeks being hot and I love that. And now I feel a little like smiling. And I love my smile and now it’s getting bigger. I love the tightening in my esophagus and the nauseous feeling. That feels like my smile getting bigger and me laughing. I love the stuckness of my upper arms against my body. And that feels like smiling. I feel my top of my head being hot. And that feels gross and I love my grossness and the heat on top of my head. And now I felt myself move and yawn and that feels good. I feel desire to do something fun in my stomach and I feel scared because I have to go to work in a few hours and I FEEL VERY ANGRY! Beware work! Lol… I feel a little better now… I feel like going to acupuncture today that will help me balance and destress. And I feel worried because it costs money. And I feel like I am always short on money because although I am making more than before somehow it’s all getting spent. I feel like a failure. That feels like turned down mouth, furrowed forehead. I love my mouth and forehead. And now my mouth is turning up. My eyes feel like twinkling. I just felt myself sigh in relief and now hum-laugh. I feel like smilng wide. I love hum-laughing now! I feel good! I am feeling motivated… motivated to do what… nothing that will really push my life forward… what I shoudl do is create a questionaire for testimonials from my clients. But I haven’t done that for a month, for no reason except that I don’t feel like it and am afraid I won’t get answers back. And I still don’t really feel like doing it right now. I feel nauseaus. And I love my nausea. I feel tight in my chest. I love my tightness. I feel a hum-laugh and I feel like smiling big! I still don’t feel like doing the testimonial thing! YAY! I don’t have to do it! I Don’t have to do anything! Even though its good for me?? I feel a little confused. I am feeling happy but this testimonial would help me! So why do I feel like I’ve escaped someone else’s requirements? I don’t know. I feel good now though. I feel relaxed and leaned back and now I feel tightness under my eyes and into my inner eye part. I love my tighntess. I love the vroom vroom hum sounds I am making out of my chest. I love the tightenss I feel in my chest. I love the unfocused feeling in my eyes (I just learned to love this one… used to throw me until I realized it’s a feeling! I would get it especially when I felt uncomfortable in a social situation). I love the tightness I still have in my eyes… and the relief feeling I am feeling in my chest as if I just escaped a monster. And I love my smile now. I feel confused as to what’s really going on with me but so pleased that I can love myself. And I feel nauseous and I love my nausea. I feel like calling my acupuncturist now and I love my fear… I feel my breathing is hot out of mynose and I love my hotness. I feel my upper lip tingling and I love my tingliness. I feel myself smiling I love being loved!!! Yay… brb with the acupuncturist’s number…

  14.  #14Rori Raye on November 11, 2008 at 1:18 pm

    Wow – you are all amazing. You keep me on my toes! I will be dancing later…again, Reshi – you Rock, and Reshi, Daria, Bethany, JP, TW and Alias Girl, following your progress is more powerful than anything I can just SAY.

    Don’t fear the “downs” and don’t fear the “ups” – they will be happening your whole life. It’s the fear that paralyzes us. As you start to trust your ability to go THROUGH painful, difficult moments, they will become shorter and shorter, and you’ll get a sense of humor and a new perspective about it all. Love, Rori

  15.  #15TW on November 11, 2008 at 1:26 pm

    I am dancing right now. I wish I could send you this CD that I am listening to right now. It is one that I made and right now I do not have a care in the world other than shaking my butt!!! I feel great with no worries today. Make you a CD with some of your favorite songs and get to shaking. I read that in a comment this morning and I have been dancing and enjoying my day since. IT WORKS!!!

  16.  #16JP on November 11, 2008 at 4:12 pm

    Hey TW, I’m throwing a few shapes around the room myself now!! 🙂

    It’s bedtime here in Blighty, so I’ll sleep well tonight.

    Goodnight gals – work tomorrow, I’ll be thinking of you all. Sweet dreams!

    JP xxxxxx

  17.  #17TW on November 11, 2008 at 4:19 pm

    Put your thinking caps on ladies, I have a situation. I just put my two boys down for the night (twins) but now I need some advice. The guy I was telling you all about told me he loved me the other day. For the first time in a long time he said it first but he is still being distant. I am trying not to call and text him to show him that I have other things to do besides sit around and wait for him to call me or text me or spend time with me for that matter. What should I do? Any advice will be much appreciated!!! I do not want him to feel like I am ignoring him on purpose but he makes the people around us feel like we are in a relationship but told me that he was not ready for one. I do not get it. Maybe he really does want one and is just scared to take that leap. Anyway, what is a lonely girl to do?

  18.  #18JP on November 12, 2008 at 4:23 pm

    Hey TW – sorry you’re feeling lonely! I’m glad you’re here.

    I’d take him at his word – but, in the words of my old friend Vinny, ‘it’s a long road that doesn’t have a turn in it’.

    He says he loves you but he’s not moving forward, so I’d say his ‘stuff’ is his to sort out – leave him to it, do the tools, do things you enjoy. If you’re stuck indoors with small kids my heart goes out to you – but there’s also a lot you can do, like trying on your entire wardrobe (I LOVE dressing up), moving the furniture round, making yourself a really special meal etc etc I’m sure Rori will be saying ‘go on Match dot com’ 🙂

    You don’t want to be pretending to ignore him, so I look forward to a daily report of what you’ve been up to!

  19.  #19TW on November 12, 2008 at 4:45 pm

    I guess is he decides to contact me, I will cross the vridge when I get there. I work all day and then come home to two beautiful boys. Although I have two children, I still get out and have my fun. Thier grandmother is awesome with them and gets them every weekend. I am truly blessed. I am so tired right now but cleaning has my mind occupied tonight but tomorrow I am having dinner with some of my friends and who knows what the weekend may bring. I am confused but I am not going to let it get me down. I really need to buy the book but right now I do not have the money to do so. All of my extra money goes to making a magical Christmas for my boys but once I get done with that Rori is on the list of things I want Santa to give me.

  20.  #20alias girl on November 12, 2008 at 4:58 pm

    with extra time you could explore rori’s website and blog. there is a ton of info avail thru that. or if you have the $ you can invest in one of her programs. not sure which one would be best for you. maybe the modern siren. good luck. you can do it!

  21.  #21TW on November 12, 2008 at 5:04 pm

    The encouragement helps but I am clueless as to how I am supposed to act with him. I do not want to discuss our relaitonship or lack there of but I do not want to ignore it either. I just want the fun to return like it once was. Everything was so easy for us a long time ago and we have still managed to hang on to each other just in a different way. I want to be committed to him but I can not be at his beck and call all of the time either. Normally I am the one to initiate our meetings on whatever it is we are going to do if anything but when he calls I just automatically adjust my calendar for him. how do I not do this without hurting his feelings?

  22.  #22JP on November 12, 2008 at 5:05 pm

    That’s so exciting to hear TW – I’m reminded of the space to have some fun and allow things to happen, space apart from the confusion to attract joy and abun-dance 🙂 and I’m grateful I have that too, now my son is practically a grown man.

    I raise my cup of cocoa to you!!

  23.  #23TW on November 12, 2008 at 5:09 pm

    Space is always a good thing so that you can clear your head. I think the next time he calls I will just decline the meeting and ask him to schedule something in for a later time so that I will not seem so available like I am sitting there waiting for him to make a move. I have always been that way for him and maybe if he thinks I am just so busy then the tables may turn and he may actually want to soend more time with me and make more of an effort. You can’t miss something that is always there ya know. I guess I need to have more confidence in myself or maybe even go out on some dates or something. Nothing serious just have some fun like he seems to be doing. I know he works a lot but if you want to do something you can always make time to do it.

  24.  #24JP on November 12, 2008 at 5:15 pm

    Just see how you feel, TW – you want him to call you and initiate a meeting. OK so maybe you’ll choose to focus on yourself for a period of time – that’s different from strategizing. Or you might feel warm and pleased to hear from him.

  25.  #25TW on November 12, 2008 at 5:18 pm

    I would love to hear from him but my point was that I need to stop making all the first moves because it makes me feel bad. Maybe I said it wrong in my other post. I can not for the life of me tell you how it would feel for him to call and simply ask me to lunch or dinner and not just for sex or somethinglike that. I enjoy being with him but I want to feel wanted in other ways too. I just want to be treated like a female sometimes and pampered in other ways that the obvious. I do not know how I will feel though until it happens. We talked earlier but it was brief.

  26.  #26Rori Raye on November 12, 2008 at 5:23 pm

    TW – You know my answer is to Circular Date. Beyond that (and deeper) – not calling and not contacting a man is NOT about showing or telling him ANYTHING. There’s no strategy involved. You are not contacting him not because you want him to “know” that you’re busy and have stuff to do and a life of your own…, but because you DO have a life of your own, and because it’s just too much effort – and because he didn’t ASK you to.

    You are about NON-EFFORT. You are about Receiving and Feeling. Love, Rori

  27.  #27JP on November 12, 2008 at 5:25 pm

    That sounds like strong boundaries to me, TW! I hope you get to feel pampered and feminine.

    Alias Girl is right – there’s so much here on this blog. I’m working my way through each monthly archive as I’ve only just started, though I get the e-letters. There’s lots of tools about feeling sensual and womanly.

    Night night everyone! xx

  28.  #28TW on November 12, 2008 at 5:28 pm

    You are so right. I guess sometimes you want someone to feel the same way you feel but that is not always the answer. I hung out with a guy I knew the other night. Nothing deep just having some fun. It was great. We are supposed to meet up again this weekend to do something. I just want to be confident in myself and know that I am worth something. I am keeping all of my options open for ME and not for HIM. He seems to be having fun so I am going to dry my tears and look foward to having some fun with my girls and then a mini date this weekend. I fell better already because I have something to look foward to.

  29.  #29TW on November 12, 2008 at 5:29 pm

    I started reading the archives yesterday. There are some good post on there.

  30.  #30TW on November 13, 2008 at 5:06 pm

    My two boys are in her with me just playing away right now. I saw the man in my life and he still treats me like I am his girlfriend and kisses me in front of the guys and everything but I am still not the girlfriend though at least that is what he said out of his mouth a few weeks ago. since that conversation he has been treating me different. He is somewhat hot and cold. When he gets too close to me then he pulls away but when he sees me it is like he is in love again. What in the world? (Kennedy and Kendall say hello, my boys) I do not want to bring the subject up again because it is so draining but I do not want to do something to mess up what we have either. Comments please!!??? I need some help from some experienced ladies.

  31.  #31alias girl on November 13, 2008 at 9:51 pm

    hi tw. circular date. 🙂

  32.  #32alias girl on November 13, 2008 at 10:04 pm

    here’s my current thoughts on circular dating. is it the top thing on anyone’s list of what we want to do? no probably not. at least not mine. but being the sort of picky, fussy, choosy, obsessive lover that i am, circular dating is probably just what i need. so i don’t need to focus on fitting the square peg/non committer into a hole the size of my ring finger. so i can learn tools how to even relate in a positive way with men instead of ordering them around trying to get them to play their proper parts in MY BIG SHOW. circular dating is fantastic in it’s current stage of hideousness in my life. fantastic. i couldn’t learn more if i was enrolled in an accelerated course for WOMEN WHO ARE STILL WAITING FOR CHANGE WHILE DOING THE SAME OLD BEHAVIORS. so good forme. free therapy. yae. i get to realize guys are interested in me even if i’m not all put together. i get to realize i am human with some oggd points and some bad points. i get practice grace and acceptance. i get to realize just how many yummy guys there are in the world that i was completely blind to before. and i get to realize i don’t need to get hung up on the unavailable man just because that’s where i feel safe in the beginning of a relationship. i can keep dating dating dating so there is no time to get HUNG UP. And nyway i may learn to like circular dating so much that i decide i donLt even want to settle down. bc i am empowered by circular dating and having other options. kind of like how capitalism works and keeps competitors in check. why? bc you can always go somewhere else and get what you need for the exact same price. that’s hy quality is a good find. my current thoughts on circular dating.

  33.  #33TW on November 14, 2008 at 7:45 am

    What exactly is circular dating and what purpose does it serve in trying to build a relationship with someone? If the shoe was on the other foot and he was the one pursuing me and then I saw him out with other females, I would kinda be offended and start dating other people myself because I would feel that he does not care. Maybe I just do not understand what it is all about and what it is desinged to do exactly. Would someone help me get a better understanding? I saw where Rori advised me to do it. I do not feel that anyone is wrong in suggesting it but I am simply saying that I do not understand it and need a little explanation. Please help!! 🙂

  34.  #34Daria on November 14, 2008 at 11:48 am

    TW it does sound a little confusing put that way… I think one of the principles is that men and women are not alike in this respect and that having to win a woman over is what makes a man happy, while a woman should have many to choose from, that is why we are supposed to be the receivers and let him be the giver, instead of a 50 50.

    The main point of circular dating, however, is that it is for YOU. It helps you focus on you, raises your self esteem, and even if you feel this is already high, it raises your flirtiness and vibe around men, because you feel easily adored and you feel like you deserve more and more, making it easier for them to go with this vibe and give you more.

    The other personal use for it is as therapy. There are many parts of relating to men that we have issues with. We can deal with this safely in circular dating by practicing the tools, so that if we are later in a relationship we won’t freak out and lose the relationship because of our issues.

    It sounds weird, and it’s not. I’m doing it and the men are pouring in. It’s mostly a way to get married too… I tell men I don’t want to be a girlfriend I want to be married and am not looking to be a girlfriend unless the relationship is moving that way. Then they start to think of marriage too and like me even more…

  35.  #35JP on November 14, 2008 at 12:21 pm

    Hi TW – I totally agree with Daria. I also know it is uncomfortable to contemplate when you are still attached to a man.

    I’d just like to add that there is a route to circular dating which will build your confidence. The underlying point. as Daria says, is to make YOU feel good and have OPTIONS. So you could start by simply NOTICING men around – in the street, at work, in the supermarket etc. Make eye contact, smile, and notice them noticing YOU.

    Use the tools on yourself too – the Paint Yourself tool is just great, and there are others such as Out The Window which are all about YOU. You have to TRAIN yourself AWAY from thinking about HIM when he’s not around. It gets easier with practice! Walk yourself THROUGH the uncomfortable feelings that come up if you’re not chasing him down. I know how tempting it is to text or call if he hasn’t, but he has made it clear he doesn’t see himself in a relationship, so you are entitled to see yourself as single.

    Next – date YOURSELF. Sounds like you’re already getting out, so maybe try something different on your own. It’s easier for a man to approach you if you’re in a bookshop or an exhibition on your own, and there are other people around so you’ll be safe. You might even have men friends you could meet, even if you don’t see them as prospective husbands you can still have a nice time and feel attractive.

    You will feel different, you’ll start enjoying yourself and you’ll be more relaxed when he calls.

    I have men friends I have coffee with, or talk to on the phone. I’ve grown fond of them over time and don’t want to lose their friendship even though I’m in a relationship now. I still keep my head up and enjoy flirting.

    I hope this helps!

  36.  #36TW on November 14, 2008 at 12:29 pm

    Ladies this helps a lot. I was just misunderstanding the point I think and overthinking it as usual. I have male friends that I hang out with and it is getting easier with time but I enjoy being me but I get those points where I feel alone but I am not going to let that bother me or get me down. I started reading books and I am the type that will start and want to finish the same day so that helps out a lot and keeps my mind occupied. I also may do little things with my sons like shop or take them to the park. I have a male friend that I am close to and he is going through some stuff of his own so he is there to hang out with me also. We dated in the past but we are just close friends. I saw my love interest earlier today and it made me feel all cozy inside. I tried the lean bac thing and it does work. He drew himself right into me and gave me a long hug. A little progress.

  37.  #37JP on November 14, 2008 at 12:34 pm

    Well now, that sounds like a good start, TW! Keep practising on those guys, see if you can let them GIVE to you rather than just hanging out, though hanging out is nice sometimes too.

    It’s also good to do different things – you then give yourself a message that you’re changing and growing.

    Great stuff – let us know how it’s going!

  38.  #38Rori Raye on November 14, 2008 at 1:28 pm

    Thank you all for helping TW – you’re just brilliant, I’m going to turn these into posts. Love, Rori

  39.  #39JP on November 14, 2008 at 1:34 pm

    Hi Rori – we’ve had an excellent coach 🙂

  40.  #40TW on November 14, 2008 at 2:49 pm

    You ladies are so sweet to me. I am slowly but surely trying to keep my feelings in check when I am around him. I want everything to flow easily between us like it once did. I can not for the life of me tell you how much fun we once had. My boys love him so much although he is not their father, he is the only father they know. He is a very good person and he treats them like they are his. I can not tell you how greatful I am for him. I will keep you all posted and any comments will definitely help me along the way.

  41.  #41Caj13 on November 15, 2008 at 5:29 am

    TW – With Rory, I think the whole point is NOT to keep your feelings down, but to let them out with him. And she has figured out the ways to do this that actually attract rather than push a guy away as is so often our experience when expressing ourselves in our usual manner (i.e. indirectly, by making hints or suggestions, ‘showing’ him how he’s wrong, etc.). As she says, men have the same feelings as women, but to get a handle on them, they need to hear about feelings in words from a woman. Once that happens, they start to feel attachment for her. Otherwise, they’ll just take all the freely offered sex, companionship, empathy and be nice back to you about it in the moment, but it’s only what they want when they want it, and they keep their precious independence. Not that they mean to take unfair advantage, but with no thought for the tremendous value of what they’re getting is, and so not feeling any obligation/desire to reciprocate in kind. And though we offer unconditional love, we are not giving it away for nothing. In our minds and hearts, we are not giving it away at all, but offering to share our love and ourselves with the person of our choice and if he accepts, we expect him to share his love and all of himself with us. Without our having to ask, beg, manipulate etc. – so we leave him alone so he can come to that by himself. But if his own limited agenda is satisfied with no strings, he never will. And the only strings that work, are heartstrings. They will touch him in such a way that he’ll be inspired to do exactly what he must to have you in his life, all for himself.

    You seem to have a pretty good attitude and self confidence already, clear on your needs and wants, but with some typical, inneffective habits and suppositions that are hindering their satisfaction. Go back through all Rory’s posts – she’s very clear about the how’s and why’s of circular dating and the other techniques. It will take some time, but they’re a mine, full of stuff that will let you realize what’s really going on, with men, yourself and in relationships. It’s all about being authentic, no games, strategies etc. Funny you mentioned the word “bridge” – she’s uses the concept of bridging to your goal, the one whose achievement leads to true happiness and fulfillment for both men and women.

    (Hi back to your kids – when you get into that wonderful relationship you want, that will be one of the best things you can ever do for them, giving them the example of how it is and should be.)

    Thanks to all the rest of you, too, I am so inspired and helped by your sharing, and of course to Rory for coming out with all this.

    Caj13 (in France – yes the land of love can use some help, too)

  42.  #42Bethany on November 15, 2008 at 2:50 pm

    Well, I made a circular dating mistake, I think…I know about it and I had been seeing this one guy, and no other guys were showing up. He asked me to be his girlfriend recently and I said yes. OOPS? I don’t know, now I feel kind of scared, like I have to “act” a certain way as a girlfriend, and I am aware of it but oh wow, it’s a deeply ingrained thing. Then this other guy asked me out for a drink and I declined because I didn’t want to make waves with my boyfriend…how do you do this if you have “agreed,” do you just go for the date yourself stuff or can you also see other people? It feels so uncomfortable…

  43.  #43Bethany on November 15, 2008 at 3:15 pm

    I feel so guilty for agreeing to be a girlfriend I feel like I’m making a huge mistake and I don’t want to feel like that I feel embarrassed about feeling insecure around him, and the other night it was just awkward between us, I felt so uncomfortable and I didn’t say anything. But then he said something to me that offended me and I said “I don’t like…” instead of “I feel…” oops! I’m slipping a little but that’s okay I want it to all be okay. I want to feel confident and secure, like I have an identity outside this relationship, and sometimes, I wonder if I am anyone at all because I am just struggling with my thesis and I want to have an identity as a woman with talents and a fun job and a good soul. That would feel so great, so strong, it feels like I can’t get there, like it will never happen for me, but who says it won’t? No one, so it can, yes, it can, and I’m going to get through this god awful semester and then my life will start. I want to feel good about my relationship and I want to feel like I am the one with the power, I don’t want to give up my poweR! I want to hold on to it, gather it into my body like scooping up pink sand or water or catching little fire fly things and putting it all inside my stomach and my heart, and now I’m crying, and my neck twinged, and I love all my sensations, I love that I can feel, and that I can gather my own sense of power and that I can feel it, I can have a bigger life than I’m letting myself have right now. I feel sometimes that I am not enough, that my clothes aren’t cool enough, that i don’t have the right “aesthetic” for him. But that’s bullshit, the BULLSHIT VOICE that I’m hearing, and I am putting it in the corner. I love my voices but they all lie. The power inside my stomach is where I need to go, I can feel my feminine parts responding to that, I can trust them, they want me to trust that they will give me everything I need, that I will have everything I want and deserve, and that it will be here. It’ alo okay, and I’m quivering and crying, and that’s okay, that’s exactly how I should be feeling, like a headache, and Iove my tight forehead, the muscles feel like the chord on a taught bowstring, and I like that image, it feels powerful, and now I am breathing deeply and coming up like I’m rising to the surface.

  44.  #44TW on November 15, 2008 at 7:34 pm

    It seems like you are having a problem deciding if you are going to be the masculine or feminine one in the relationship. It seems like you want to be feminine because you accepted the role as the girfriend but then you said you do not want to give up control meaning you kinda want to play the masculine role as well. I do not necesarily feel as though you made a mistake by saying yes, you just do not know what role you want to play and why but you can not do both. Once you figure that out then you will feel better about your decision. It may have taken him a lot to come out and ask you to be his girlfriend but just sit down and figure yourself out and then you will feel a lot better. I myself would like to play the feminine role. I love being the girl but I also have an issue with control just as you do. I feel like if I let go then my life will spin out of control but I just read Rori’s e book last night and now I see that I can not have both so I choose the feminine role and I am fine with that because he is all about playing the MAN!!!!! he does a great job at it too. If you have the e book just read over that section again and write down your thoughts about it and once you make a decision about your role then I bet you will feel better. you just feel out of control of the situation but once you figure out what’s what in your mind then you will feel a lot better. Reread and then sleep on it and try it all over again.

  45.  #45TW on November 15, 2008 at 7:42 pm

    Caj13- You are right. I am a confident person except when it comes down to him. We have gone back and forth for so long that I just feel weak. I am college educated, good job, my kids are awesome, and I have a life to die for because I work hard and I have succeeded. I just want him to want to share his life with me and I feel like I have to tiptoe around the relationshipp subject because I made it so draining in the past and he was like I just do not want to take about it anymore. I just read most of Roir’s e book last night and she basically said that I need to use phrases like “I feel” instead of being like “You dont do this or that” He said that I was placing the blame on him and now that I look back and think about what I said then I was. I can not tell you how bad it feels but I am making baby steps with him. He opens up a little but not much. I need need to use effective communication instead of bashing him like I once did because everything is not his fault and I know this. I have done my fair share of stuff too but that is all in the past and we were a lot younger when all of that was happening. I fell in love and I am falling in love with him all over again but I just want to feel him fall in love with me. I know he loves me but I want it all and then some.

  46.  #46Caj13 on November 16, 2008 at 4:42 am

    Okay, you feel bad about what’s happening with this guy and you are tempted to find yourself at fault and beat yourself up (Rory’s absolute no-no). So it was good to see you riffing your feelings to get yourself out of that place. Mistakes happen – everyone makes them all the time. And though we often understand Rory’s new concepts intellectually, it’s gonna take awhile till we can actually interiorize them. That’s where the practice, i.e. circular dating, comes in. Practice on all kinds of guys that you’re not emotionally invested in YET. So when you feel you don’t get it exactly right with them, the stakes aren’t high enough that the outcome with that person makes much difference and you can just learn from the experience.

    Go back and read the ‘girlfriend trap’ posts. Your feelings are telling you that this is not how you want it to be. Realize you have not committed to anyone else’s idea of what girlfriend means, including his (I’m sure you guys didn’t work out anything specific such as ‘I will have no interaction of any kind with other men’,or ‘he will call everyday’, etc.). Sexual exclusivity was probably implied and is the best way, but you are still mistress of every other aspect of your life. Men are people, too, so remind yourself it’s okay to see them (whatever their agenda, it’s irrelevant to you, and you know that what you are seeking from them is perfectly legitimate).

    Awkwardness, uncomfortableness are feelings. Practice talking about them to yourself so that you’re prepared say it to him when it comes up. And don’t forget that you are not responsible for everything. You expose your feelings, he reacts and you listen, and you both take it from there. This is not about controlling the outcome.

    If you read Rory’s free e-newsletters, you’ll see that she almost always starts out by describing exactly what you said about how you feel and what you want. So if someone has such a perfect handle on your issues, she has a good chance of understanding how to deal with them. Sit back and allow yourself to absorb all this – there’s so much, often counter-intuitive, it’s really overwhelming . We often have the tendancy of tying it in with our previous attitudes and beliefs to help us understand, but it’s really about getting away from all those preconceptions that don’t work. It’s a whole re-education. Just like a woman’s attachment to a man is partly hormonal, physiological when she has sex with him, our (men’s and women’s) beliefs have a physical imprint in our bodies. That’s why it’s so hard to change people’s minds about deeply ingrained things like religion and politics, even in the face of overwhelming evidence. But though we can’t change others for them, it’s possible with ourselves, with conscious, conscientious steps over time.

    Be wary of saying ‘just do this’ or ‘figure that out’. That’s what we’ve been trying to no avail. Most of us women (for whatever reasons: historical, cultural, personal, or predispostions that have ensured survival of the species) have a really hard time just knowing who and what we really are, accepting that, and most of all, BEING that.

  47.  #47Caj13 on November 16, 2008 at 5:08 am

    Re my last post, the part about change in oneself, I didn’t mean ‘a long time’, I just meant allowing yourself enough time to feel your feelings, let the ideas really sink in and actually do the steps. And not, to gain time, say ‘ oh I get that, I’ll just skip to the next point’. That wouldn ‘t work and you’d just lose time and maybe get discouraged. Also, when you’re with someone, allowing yourself the time, however awkward it feels, to get to your real feeling and choose the words to say it. Which is what I should do because that bad vibe/feeling is the real problem. Even before he stops talking, I know I always jump out with something to fix the ‘apparent’ problem (he has to cancel because of ‘x’) or to make him feel better about disappointing me (without him even excusing himself or hinting that that’s how he feels)

  48.  #48TW on November 16, 2008 at 8:00 am

    I have a question for you all. I am ready to approach the subject of togetherness with my love interest but I am not quite sure of how to go about it. I want him to know that I miss the feminine side like he once gave me. I was the one invited to dinner or asked to be seen, now the tables have turned. I do all of the inviting and sometimes he shows up and sometimes he doesn’t. I want to say “I need to feel my feminine side of this situation and be catered to as I once was.” I am not sure if this is the right thing to say. “I feel neglected and not wanted fully.” “I feel like he takes advantage of the fact of feeling that I will always be there no matter what so he doesn’t need to try to wine and dine me anymore.” I feel we need to get back to the intimate level we had before. He loved my body and touching and kissing me. I want to be the woman to love him and be in his life. “I want to feel wanted and not needed.” I do not know how to go about saying these things int he proper manner. There is more but these are the major highlights. I know in the e book it says to say I feel but I feel like I need to say I WANT but I am working on that. I also used to beat him up about all of the things he does not do and all the bad things that happened between us in the past and that is why the conversation is so hard to get out. I do not want him to feel as though I am blaming him for anything but I want him to know what to do in order to make it better.

  49.  #49TW on November 16, 2008 at 8:37 am

    Sorry, my boys were hungry so I could not get out everything I wanted to say. You know they will go postal without their food. Anyway, our sex was so intimate that I could feel him all through me because I could feel his sexual energy mixing with mine. I felt so close to him that I did not want it to end. The last time we had sex which was like a week ago, I felt the same thing. He kissed me with such passion and he caressed my body in ways that he hadnt in a long time. He kisses me in front of his closest friends which once was a no no in his book. I am getting signals of closeness but then he pulls away and I get frustrated and want to go back into the you do not treat me like you once did and placing blame. I am trying to read and reread the e book before I go about having this conversation. I do not want to mess it up like I did last time. I made him feel like he was the only one wrong in the situation. I want to be with him in every way. I am very clear on that but I just want him to come to me instead of me having to spell it out all the time. After all the eyars we dated off and on it would seem like I would have a huge rock on my hand but sommitment is good enough for right now and once I get the moves down then I will go for that.

  50.  #50Bethany on November 16, 2008 at 9:22 am

    Caj13 and TW, thanks for your input. It helped me get some perspective. Yes, I feel uncomfortable and scared about being exclusive with this guy, but we did not even discuss what “girlfriend” or “boyfriend” means in specifics. It does not mean that I cannot develop other male relationships–maybe that’s the essence of this circular dating thing? Just attracting males of whatever quality and whatever configuration into your life to take the pressure off yourself and the one relationship you feel the most invested in? Well, there I go intellectualizing it again. Yes, I feel uncomfortable and awkward and I am trying to do both control and feminine feelings; I find myself complaining in my head when he does something I disagree with or disapprove of, i.e., not always paying for me. Well, I love my uncomfortable feelings because they’re just my old programming coming back to say hey you haven’t got rid of us yet. I love that because it means I can program myself and that this whole thing will become easier over time if I just relax into my feelings and let go of control. But that all feels scary. Letting go feels like swaying on the edge of a cliff and I just want to tense up all over my body, my shoulders, my calves, my jaw. I love my tense calves, they feel like little knots, and I love my tense shoulders, I love my tight jaw and I love all the feelings in my body that are making me tense up, it’s powerful that my feelings have a physiological effect on my muscles. They can do that to my brain, too, and I can feel as relaxed and as happy as I want whenever I want. I love that I am so in control of myself, ultimately. I love that I can accept every part of my body, even the parts I am resisting, like my very resistance to what I feel. I am just not going to beat myself up, let it pour out of my body through a valve, all the yucky feelings, put the nasty voices that are telling me he doesn’t want me in the corner, that I’m not enough, I gently turn away, I feel awful, just bad, like someone kicked me in the guy, and my eyelids feel heavy. I feel a little nauseous and I feel heavy all over, like my body is slumping into itself, I feel like I just became denser and gained 200 pounds, like my arms are lead…I love my heavy limbs and my lead body, I love and accept it, it’s okay to feel this way, it’s the only way I can feel right now and that’s perfectly fine. I feel my breathe coming in faster, going to all my limbs and filling them with air, I love my leaden, airy body. I can be all things to myself, strong and soft at the same time. I am a pluralistic, complex being, am capable of all feelings and can feel them all at once. I am not afraid of the ups and downs, like Rori says, it happens, they will happen all the time, I accept it, and will carry all my feelings with, they all want to be loved and accepted just as they are, they want to know that I accept them and won’t abandon them, now my stomach is shaking and my throat is constricting and I’m crying, and I feel strange, like I want to lie down. I feel shakey and tired.

  51.  #51TW on November 16, 2008 at 1:42 pm

    Girl you will get it. You just have to think and decide what is best for YOU and once you figure that out then you can use the tools to get where you want to be. We all have moments of insecurity and I definitely have mine. A male friend of mine with whom I once dated is coming to watch the football game with me tonight. Last night I went to a friend’s house and was there a while and it got my mind off what my so called man or whatever it is he would like to be referred as. I am getting out there and getting my mind off him all the time. Do I wish I was with him? Yes. But being with other people makes me not feel so alone but it does not take the feeling away that he could possibly be with someone else although he told me he is not. As females, we will come up with something in our minds and stick with it whether it is true or not so with that being said I am going to finish the e book and then prepare for the conversation. I will not do it until I know that I am sure about exactly what I want.

  52.  #52Bethany on November 16, 2008 at 5:25 pm

    TW–thanks for the support. I think you’re being really smart about making sure you know exactly what you want before you say anything. I will try to follow you’re lead.

  53.  #53TW on November 16, 2008 at 5:34 pm

    Bethany-I have 7 years off and on with this man and no matter who I have been with or he has been with we have always managed to get back to each other. It is good to watch him with my two boys and to see that he has always been a part of their life no matter what. You and I both need each others support because that is what it takes to get through. You may need my strenght today and I may need yours tomorrow. I really want to pick up my phone right now and text him to see if he wants to come over but again I say I want to be the female sometimes and feel like he is thinking about me and wants to see me. I just do not know what to do about that one. A friend is going to come over in like an hour and he is going to watch the game with me. I am going to put my rugrats to bed because they think they are a part of the NFL at three years old and they will stay up half the night trying to watch it.

  54.  #54Caj13 on November 17, 2008 at 4:33 am

    TW –
    Hold off on that ‘conversation’ for the moment (how many zillions have you already had and look where they got you – not permanently where you want to be in any case). Read Rori’s latest e-newsletter – it sounds as if she’s responding directly to you! (and Bethany).

    You ARE the female in your relationships. The point of all this is how to get you recognized, appreciated, honored, ADORED, just as you want and deserve. And the way is through the power of YOUR feelings – good, bad, ugly, terrifying. What you see the others doing here a lot, in words, is actually getting to their feelings and allowing themselves to feel them completely in their hearts and bodies, and describing them in detail moment by moment. Delighting in the good ones of course, but especially seeing how the bad ones sort of morph into something you can live with even love, that no longer repulse or scare you to death. Someone called this ‘riffing’ and Rori uses the term now for this all-important process. (It’s definitely not “‘oh I know I love him’ ‘so what do I DO?” nor ‘sometimes I feel hate and that’s bad, so I’m gonna get over it’.)

    Because if you can’t/won’t really get into all the feelings within yourself, you won’t be able to share them with your man. And that connection to the whole range of human feelings (emotions) is really what a man needs from a woman, though he rarely knows it with his brain. Once he FEELS it, he’ll know it with his whole being and will do what is necessary to keep it, which is stay attached to its source: you. That is our gift of life. (For the intellectuals out there, emotions are survival mechanisms absolutely necessary to life, and we share the most basic of them – fear, anger, depressive state – with the animal kingdom. They are signals that self-preservation is in order).

    This isn’t about DOING (masculine energy great for other domains) but about BEING, learning to BE (feminine energy). Sounds passive and space-y? It’s actually very down-to-earth, grounded in reality.

  55.  #55TW on November 17, 2008 at 6:31 am

    You make a lot of sense. I think my problem is that I just want to get it all out and it all be over with. I am so impatient but in this instance you can’t be. I just want to lay down sometimes and just be. I want to close my eyes and just think about me and me only and to see how I feel about what is going on. I want to cry, laugh, the whole nine yards. I want to feel everything that I am going through. I think once I get that right within myself then I will be a better person for someone else to be with.

  56.  #56Bethany on November 17, 2008 at 7:51 am

    TW–You already are the best person for anyone to be with. You just need to feel all the confusing feelings and let them rise to the surface and sort themselves out.

  57.  #57TW on November 17, 2008 at 8:27 am

    I thank you so much for being so helpful. I have to stop letting the little things get me down and stop coming up with things in my mind that I do not necessarily know is true or not. If he doesnt come to see me or call I automatically think he is with someone else although he may just be busy or spending some time with his friends. I make myself believe this and then I start to feel bad all over again. I am going to lay down tonight and just think some things through. I have to play this situation our in my mind and heart before I let it come out of my mouth and make an even bigger mess.

  58.  #58alias girl on November 17, 2008 at 1:50 pm

    the power and self esteem series right here on this blog is Excellent for helping you move through your feelings and riffing as was mentioned. you can find it on the side bar i think and start at the beginning and work your way through and you can also see in people’s comments where rori tweaked on people’s process to help them get the most out of it. an invaluable tool to becoming very POWERFUL in your own life and All your relationships, most esp your relationship with yourself. and that’s the one that attracts the man and has him feel safe enough to be with you.

  59.  #59Bethany on November 17, 2008 at 2:24 pm

    TW–Yes, as alias girl says, do the power and self esteem posts one by one. Do it over again and again and again if you have to. I’m going to do them again here too. You can love your bad feelings–your imaptience and your fear.

  60.  #60TW on November 17, 2008 at 4:16 pm

    Thank you ladies. I am going to read the post right now and then I will comment in a little while.

  61.  #61TW on November 17, 2008 at 7:04 pm

    My boys are finally settling down so that I can type without one of them hugging me or asking me a question. They are too cute. Anyway, I need to talk about my feelings. Right now I am scared of the fact that if my object of affection is with another woman or does he love me the way that he once did. I am feeling insecure and not wanted. I feel lonely and not cared for. I have a weak feeling in my stomach and tears are welling up in my eyes. I have so many emotions running through me at this very moment. I embrace them because I know they are a part of me. I accept the nausea and the trembling and allow myself to cry thinking about all the things that I feel at this very moment. I now have to turn all of this negative energy into something positive and embrace myself and my being and realize that I am a good person who deserves to be loved and catered to. I think back to when he would touch me and a chill would run down my spine and I would quiver all over and then I stop to think that I can do all of that for myself. I can make myself feel good and feel like a queen. I can build a beautiful career and better life for my boys. I can come home and read a book without thinking about him. I can have dinner with my friends and talk and laugh without thinking is he out on a date and treating someone else in the manner he once treated me. I should treat myself like a queen and embrace ME. I want to take a long bath with the radio on and close my eyes and just feel the sensations run through my body both positive and negative in order to be able to connect with myself on a deeper energy level. If I want someone to love me I have to love myself first and I have to take all of me for what it is worth and LOVE IT in the process.

  62.  #62Daria on November 18, 2008 at 3:23 am

    Hi TW… you’re doing great!

    “I now have to turn all of this negative energy into something positive and embrace myself and my being and realize that I am a good person who deserves to be loved and catered to.”

    You do not HAVE to do anything! You CAN embrace yourself if you want to. And if you don’t want to… that’s ok… you can embrace THAT! =)

    I don’t think Rori wants you to beat yourself up or push yourself to have to do something… even love yourself. I just say or write I love myself and my feelings and I assume that means I AM loving myself… and it does and it works!

    I can’t wait to see how this progresses for you!


    PS when you said in an earlier post –

    “I think my problem is that I just want to get it all out and it all be over with.”

    That sounds almost exactly how Rori started her new paint yourself tool… that we want to cut corners and just have it be done, be OK!

    I know I so feel this way about this one guy… I just want him to ask me out so I can say I’ve been his gf after being in this “imaginary relationship” with him for 5 years. But I’m out of that now and I’m doing really good with loving myself… although I’m dealing with more and stronger feelings I’ve found Riffing is something that Genuinely works for me.

  63.  #63TW on November 18, 2008 at 3:42 am

    Well I can trump your 5 yrs with 7. LOL That is too funny!!! I took a nice hot bath last night and just loved me for the female that I am. I just laid there and cleared my mind of all the negative stuff I built up in my mind and the things that made me hurt. I felt so much better and I was able to just sit and watch one of my favorite TV shows. There are so many emotions that I am feeling right now. I had a dream about him last night. normally I can not remember them but this one was so vivid and real. We were actually married and had a great life with great communication and we were so much in love. WOW is all I can say about that. I am glad that I have you all in my corner to help keep me straight because if you hadn’t I would be sitting here writing him letters or crying to him on the phone about how he is not treating me right. Oh my goodness. Progress already. Instead I am going to write a letter to myself about all my negative feelings and then turn them around and love them!!!

  64.  #64Bethany on November 18, 2008 at 6:32 am

    TW–if you make your fears a list, then turn them to positive wants, then love the hell out of everything that comes up for you, then channel your energy towards something else, it makes it systematic and not confusing.

  65.  #65JP on November 18, 2008 at 7:15 am

    You’re doing great, TW! And I totally second what Daria says. Feelings are feelings – there’s no positive or negative, that’s just a concept, and one I no longer agree with. I agree with Caj13 too – we are equipped with feeling-responses to guide us in the world. They bring us back to our own centre. Hi five, women!!

  66.  #66TW on November 18, 2008 at 11:13 am

    Ladies, right now I want to look him in the face and say “I feel hurt” “I feel that I have to take on the masculine role and contact and try to spend time with you all the time” I I feel hurt that you do not seem to want to spend time with me anymore” “It makes me feel insecure because I do not have any attention from you and I am afraid you may be giving it to someone else” ” I feel scared to love you without knowing what it actually means to you” I feel like crying but I will embrace my tears and my fears and just be for right now. “I want a good relationship” “I want a good father for my boys” “I want to feel affection” ” I want a home and help” “I want to fall in love with you all over again” The list could go on but I am not prepared to list everything right now. We will deal with these feelings for the moment.

  67.  #67alias girl on November 18, 2008 at 7:42 pm

    wow TW you are making awesome progress! I actually don’t know how to write speeches bc I don’t own that program yet. but it sounds like you could write a speech. and from what i understand you only share it bit by bit with him while he processes a bit. then you actively listen to him and really take in his repsonse. then maybe share another bit. etc. rather than Unloading on him a whole mess of feelings which no doubt if he is a man will SHUT HIM DOWN and shut you out. I may not have this right though so maybe other people who have done speeches can help.

  68.  #68TW on November 18, 2008 at 7:42 pm

    I have not talked to my imaginary boyfriend since last week and HE just called me to tell me to turn my heat on and bundle up because we have a freeze warning. Now the old me would have said I would not be cold if you were here but the more relaxed me said thank you for thinking about us. He then held a short conversation. IMAGINE THAT!! BABY STEPS. I am so proud of myself. I did not act weird with him nor did I ask him why he has not called since the last time I saw him. You ladies have really calmed me down because a few weeks ago I would have went off but what is so funny is that I was writing my “to do list” getting ready to post it along with my list of fears and wants. That is ironic!!! I have to put my boys to bed because it is getting late but I will check my e mail before I go to bed and see if anyone has made a post.

  69.  #69TW on November 18, 2008 at 7:52 pm

    alias girl- practice makes perfect. One of my favorite classes was speech and it taught me confidence and poise when speaking to someone. Do I always know what to say? No but I am a marketing representative so I have to be quick on my feet. I have not had a conversation with my inaginary boyfriend yet but I give him a little and then back off. I was so forceful before and although I knew everything that I wanted to say, I jsut did not know how to say it in an effective way so I just made my list and I practice saying what I feel. It makes me accept what I am feeling and then I can clearly decide what I want before making anything known to him. I have kept a journal for years and it helps me to express myself. One thing that I do too is write letters to him expressing my thoughts and feelings and then reread them and process my thoughts. I do not give him these letters (I wrote letters in the past and gave them to him….not a good idea) but use them to get ALL of my thoughts out. Sometimes when you talk to people especially about matters of the heart, you tend to forget what it is you really want to say so writing it down helps you analyze your thought prior to sayin it. Try it and it will definitely make you feel better. It allows you to be happy, sad, unsure, anxious or whatever when you are alone so when you finally feel the need to express yourself you have already dealt with these emotions.

  70.  #70TW on November 18, 2008 at 7:59 pm

    Ladies I just text him and told him thank you for checking on me and the boys and how sweet is was for him to think about us. He did something that was not out of the norm for the past but the present it kinda was. During the conversation he asked me how my day was and I told him that it was good but kinda hectic. No long drawn out conversation about it and I thanked him for asking and then asked him about his day. BABY STEPS!!! Prior to speaking with you all when he asked me how my day was I probably would have said do you really care how my day went or do you want something. I’m definitely more considerate and trying to practice the things that I am learning.

  71.  #71alias girl on November 18, 2008 at 10:34 pm

    thnaks tw for the idea about the letters. i think i am going to journal some write now after this post because i have weird situations going on that i am very confused about and i need to speak with these men sometime in the next couple of days ugh. i don’t even really know what i want. i thought i wanted a relationship but i don’t even know what that means anymore. i just want to feel good moment by moment and get my desires met as much as possible. so i think i need to really pay attention to how i FEEL. and not be in my head thinking about how to negotiate a relationship with a man who is not even offering me anything in the present moment that really feels solid or great. of course after writing that i want to take it back bc it’s not really fair to him it’s just what he offers is so subtle. i don’t mean small. i mean subtle. quality but subtle. i actually really want to give him a chance but maybe it’s just not good timing for us. anyway i’m going to go journal. hey tw did you notice our two posts posted at the exact same time? 🙂

  72.  #72TW on November 19, 2008 at 1:18 am

    I am just a writer and that is my nitch of getting through so whatever works best for you. I think we were thinking about each other at the same time and that is why our post hit at the exact same moment. If we lived close to each other we would probably be out to dinner sipping on a drink and talking each other through but post is all we have so we have to do it this way. These are some great posts and great advice from some very caring women. I have grown so much just within the past couple of days jsut reading the post and comments that everyone has given me. I am still not where I want to be as far as my relationship or lack therof is concerned but I am building the most beautiful relaitonhip of all and that is with my self because no one can love me more than I love myself and more than Jesus loves me but your love for someone else will make you think so different. Keep your head up and keep posting and let others who have been in the situation we are in help.

  73.  #73Caj13 on November 19, 2008 at 11:54 am

    TW – as you haven’t been getting the eletters very long, there’s one thing to note when you’re expressing your feelings to a man. Use all the feelings words you want, you can repeat the word ‘feel’ till you’re sick of it yourself, but don’t use the word “hurt”. Rori explained (and I’d heard this elsewhere) that a man can’t hear that word. Because he can hurt you, (and would feeled blamed, and just shut down). But he can’t “bad” you, so it’s good to say “I feel bad” for example, instead. So try to choose your words with that in mind. Writing them out as you do is just what she suggests, for the same reasons – it gets you clear on your feelings and the vocabulary is ready.

  74.  #74TW on November 19, 2008 at 12:33 pm

    You know one of my favorite things to say is I feel hurt. Girl you hit the nail on the head then. Oh my goodness. Thanks for the input though because the responses really do help. I may see him tonight actually. Any tips would be great.

  75.  #75TW on November 22, 2008 at 9:36 am

    Hi ladies!! I have been so tired for the past two days that I have not been able to share some of my latest revelations with you all. I have been feeling a little down lately because of the hot and cold nature of my love interest if that is what you want to call him. Anyway, there are some things that I want to say but just have not had the chance to say them. Here is a list and you all tell me what you think about it:

    1. I feel like I have no sense of direction in this situation because I do not know how you really feel and it is not shown.
    2. I feel as though I am in love with you and not sure that you feel the same way about me.
    3. I feel tired of having to play the masculine role in the situation by initing you to do things with me all the time but you not showing up.
    4. I feel lonely because I am by myself all the time and that I come home to an empty house ever day with no help with anything.
    5. I feel the need for affection and attention.
    6. I feel scared that I am giving my love and affection to you and you may be giving it to someone else.
    7. I hear you tell me that you love me but now I need to feel that you love me as well.
    8. I feel empty when I have to sleep alone every night.

  76.  #76alias girl on November 22, 2008 at 12:55 pm

    that’s great Tw! esp 4, 5 nd 8 bc they focus on you and how YOU FEEL rather than dragging another person into the mix or blaming someone else for perceived wrong doings. i’m not sure which one of rori’s books goes into that in more detail. the i feel, don’t want. you can say exactly what you’re trying to say here but you can phrase it in a way that makes it possible for a man to hear it. good work though. you’re doing great! maybe someone else can explain what i am trying to say better than i have said.

  77.  #77TW on November 22, 2008 at 1:19 pm

    Now all I need is a chance to say these things. I have not seen him in about a week but I talked to him yesterday. I think he will understand when more when I use I feel instead of you do not….. it seems like a personal attack and that is where I went wrong before. I am reading the e book again right now and writing as I go.

  78.  #78alias girl on November 22, 2008 at 4:02 pm

    you’re doing great tw! i feel very proud and excited! i don’t want to overstep my boundaries with you.

    i feel excited about helping. i don’t want to make people angry.

    i feel open to feedback. i don’t want bad feelings created by my actions.

    i feel vulnerable writing this. i don’t want enemies. 🙂

    i’m just learning too. i feel grateful for all the times i get to practice and then see what comes back to me. if i don’t feel good about my results i can do a mental do over in my mind like rori suggests and see what i might have done differently.

  79.  #79TW on November 22, 2008 at 5:18 pm

    I love your responses and you want to know why???? Because they help me focus on me and have some time for me. We are all having the same problem which is a problem with a man. It helps to be able to talk to someone that is goign thorugh some of the same things you are going through and offer some help. I do not know whether I chould express my wants to him as well meaning I do not want to do too much too fast. That could scare someone away as well. Maybe I need to take baby steps in the process.

  80.  #80TW on November 22, 2008 at 8:03 pm

    Does this “I FEEL” conversation have to be over the phone, face to face, via text, or e mail? I am unclear about that part. Some people are better at talking and some are better at writing. I can do either but do not want to tak the step the wrong way. Suggestions? I am still reading though the e book. I am on page 53. I am rereading it because I read it kinda fast the first time and I am not making any movements until I am done with it so I do not mess something up.

  81.  #81alias girl on November 22, 2008 at 10:17 pm

    hi tw. i try to use i feel as much as i can esp with a man i like .but i tell you it completely flies out the window sometimes when i am communicating with a man i like. which is why circular dating is so great bc then there is tons of opportunities to practice in all sorts of situations with all kinds of men. it is getting esier for me as i am starting to let the man row more. i had one conversation recently when i could see where i normally would have picked up the slack in the conversation but instead i just let the space be there and the guy asked me a question. i though ah how nice, he is rowing and it was actually very nice and felt good and i felt more womanly. i have alot of man traits i have acquired bc i thought i had to be a certain way to survive in the world or IMPRESS a man. but a man is not impressed with a woman who comes at him like a man. he is impressed by a woman who is strong in her womaness and godessessness.

    anyway yes, i use i feel in text msgs. ie. i feel happy to hear from you. expermiment see what feels good.

    i think babysteps is an excellent idea! you are doing fab!

  82.  #82TW on November 22, 2008 at 11:43 pm

    Alias girl– Thank you so much for your support and help. Now all I need is a chance alone with him away from work in order to use this. he will com eby to see me at work and vice versa but that is definitely not the place to have that kinda conversation so I will try to see if I can get some one on one time with him and slip in all the I FEELS into the conversation because we can talk forever and have always managed to be able to do that even if we were talking to each other about what was going on in other relationships that we were in but I want to move from friendship mode to relationship mode and that may be a little hard. I am goign to finish the e book sometime today and get all of my feelings out again before I go for it. I just want to make sure that I use good word choices this time because the last time was a mess and that is what got me at the distance now. I thank you so much for your support and we are going to get there.

  83.  #83TW on November 23, 2008 at 4:27 pm

    Through reading Rori’s e book today and yesterday I have dealt with some feelings from years ago. I met my love interest about two months before I got married and we became the best of friends. Nothing ohysical although I knew he wanted more he respected my marriage. I was in a very abusive marriage and he was there to be my shoulder to cry on. In the meantime my husband and I separated and I developed a relationship with him. A very deep one that I was not prepared for and I do nto think he was either. Anyway, a year later my divorce was final but being as young as I was at the time, I was not ready for a relationship so I decided that I needed to take a step back from him as well and date other people. I needed to figure out who I was and what I wanted with my life instead of just jumping from one relationship to the other. (we will refer to my love interest as “the one”) I started to date other people because I was scared of letting my guard down with “the one” for fear of getting hurt but then that opened a can of worms. I dated people, he dated people but over the course of the 7 years we always managed to find our way back to each other and pick up where we left off but it was always different. He feels as though I left him and he has never really been able to get over that. He was the typical man back then and loved women but we have the strongest bond ever. He takes good care of my children and picks up the slack when I need him to but I want the relationship (marriage) the whole nine yards. My problem was that if I let my guard down that my life would spiral out of control because I could not stop myself from getting hurt so I threw myself into other dead end relationships and so did he. We have been “seeing each other since May of this year but he is hot and cold with me. I pressured him about a relationship and now that I am reading Rori’s e book I know that I have done everything wrong because after all of that he said he was not ready. I can see why because I was being a bit overbearing. I looked at him one day last week and I feel in my heart that he is the one but I do not know how to mend that fence that I put up between us before it is too late. He promised me that he was not seeing anyone else and that I was the only person he was intimate with but emotionally he seems unattached at times. He went from not kissing me out in public to kissing me and hugging me in front of his friends. That was a big step. He doesnt spend that much time with me and stuff anymore and I know it is because he feels that I will go emotionally postal on him again. I just want our good times back when the relationship we had was easy and we were committed to it. I feel as though I have no sense of direction with him and I am scared that I am going to lose him to someone else if I do not act fast. He is 6 years my senior. What do I do ladies? I called him to see if he would come over but I got no answer but today is football day so you know how that is. I am not going to call him back though. I will wait until he contacts me and then lean into the conversation.

  84.  #84TW on November 25, 2008 at 9:01 am

    Guess what? I used the tools on my 3 year old boys last night and it works. They normally take their clothes off and leave them in the floor, well last night they put them in the hamper for whatever reason and I told them thank you and that I appreciated it. Now this morning they got dressed and put their night clothes in the hamper. Now if it is that easy to get 3 year olds to respond to the tools, what is wrong with the 35 year old? Too funny!!! Just wanted to share that funny story with you all!!!

  85.  #85TW on November 26, 2008 at 8:47 am

    alias girl- where are you my friend? I’m in need of some friendly advice. I cried my eyes out last night because I allowed myself to really FEEL all of my emotions. Man, it was draining. I thought about the moment 6 yrs ago when I kissed my imaginary man for the first time and I instantly knew he was the one. I want to share all of these emotions with him. I’m ready to lean back and let go of the control to allow him to come to me and please me…. do u think I should ask him when a convenient time for him to talk?

  86.  #86Maria on November 28, 2008 at 7:39 pm

    Oh alias girl, l must say compliments to the way you described yout thoughts about circular dating on above. that just….rocks:) with the world of capitalism. The only thing l was a bit afraid of was, what if it gets really good, so that you dont want to settle down at all. l quess thats why guys do not want to settle down fast either…cos you never know. But now its girl time. 🙂

  87.  #87Linda on December 4, 2008 at 4:34 pm

    After reading this article I realized that this is so true. I met a man who’s energy was coming at me all the time. I oppened up like a flower, a fountain. I watered everything and anybody for months. The energy lingered and I was not afraid, open and at peace. It was the most wonderful I have ever felt in my whole life.

    Now suddenly the man who showered me with all this energy stopped and is gone. He disconnected and vanished.. says he is not in love with me sorry to hurt me! Is pursueing other women. I wish I could feel the way I did.. without him. Is it possible?

  88.  #88bella on October 9, 2009 at 10:47 am

    its funny that sometimes we search so much for love but when we relax we find it.

  89.  #89Rori Raye on October 13, 2009 at 7:56 pm

    Bella, Welcome, and what a lovely comment…Love, Rori

  90.  #90Jeremiah on November 26, 2010 at 9:43 am

    Hello, I have a difficult situation and I need some advice… I dont wanna go into details just yet but I am just one man trying to find love, but love always seemed to be illusive. . . well until I met her. . . but see thats the problem.

    First off, I just want to say that I just met this chick a month ago yesterday. We had met at a concert and we instantly hit it off. I felt as though I was in a movie. We hung out after the concert and talked and talked and talked all night, so much in fact that she told me she felt physical pain from being away from me that next day… (if thats even possible). Anyhow after we left the concert she had told me she’s in an open relationship (witch I won’t criticize, because love means different things to different people), but I didn’t really think to much of it at the time because she was just some random chick to me then. So we exchanged numbers and went on our way. We now have talked on the phone for hours and went on a several dates since then, and have realized what it feels like to not experience time as a continuous cycle of the numbers pushing each other out of the way, but feeling like each moment I spend with her lasts a lifetime. So the story deepens, as we both feel we have a deeper spiritual connection than we both realize and feel that we have known each other in a past life.

    Anyways, once again I am forced to learn the things that have been the prevailing winds against my sails and fear has had both of us a few time wanting to “run away” from each other, yet when we both realize what we would be losing, we have instantly found that strange connection we felt at the concert and that has brought us unquestionably closer, as we have felt some calling, some higher spiritual guidance lending us a helping hand by learning from each other (though I hope for all the love thats inside my hearts thats not the only reason for us to have met.)

    Anyways I have not even told you the problem yet. I believe, its not a problem, but as the saying goes ” a caged bird may not wish to fly when released.”

    The truth is; I do not want to hurt her, nor myself, but am afried of all the possible outcomes that could end up hurting us both, yet feel that LOVE is on my side. She is a weird mix of characters, and I believe to have been one to always have a friendship relationship because of a few personal reason she has told me, I have realized that she has pain in her heart and just wants to be loved at all costs and feel that is the mindset most have when involved in open relationship, because the person they are with does not satisfy their desires, nor is the person they are suppose to end up with, but momentarily they need to satisfy their “craving” for excitement while still needing something “stable” and that is exactly whats happening here; sexual experiences separate from love experiences. I have always been one to feel that a Love relationship is a sacred gift and would never want to be in these kinds of relationship, yet ironically have been involved since I have met her. We have talked about our feelings and I have told her many times, what is it I want… I need! She has recently since been amazed at the character I am and all the moments we have spend together seem to have been more felt by her than I have experienced, but I have felt so intense feelings I do not understand how or just what she is feeling, because of this complex situation. The last time we hung out we wrote each other a letter and read them to each other and talked about what we felt, then both agreed that we would spend 5 days apart without any communication or contact at all, so we would be able to think about our lives, and our relationship, this is the second day.

    I have always been one to have a keen perception, but do not try to judge others at the same time. I would just like to empathically alter the situation (in the name of divine LOVE) in my favor, but feel selfish for trying to do so as I respect this other man and have hung out with both of them twice. At the same time I just want whatever makes her happiest and respect her in the highest spiritual since of the word. I empathically wish to find the woman I am suppose to be with, and if that is not her that is fine, I just wish to find out with the least amount of pain. Her and I are both very stubborn and if feel that is one of the only things holding us back from experiencing this Divine Love at its most grand visions as a spiritual intensity that our physical bodies can manifest as a “perfect” mate.

    “Is it possible the Earth turns, the stars dance, the comets sing; not because of gravity or Einstein laws, but because of the POWER OF LOVE.”

    As I wish the universe smiles upon all those with Love in their heart. Much Love, Thank you for your time.
    Jeremiah Hilbert

  91.  #91Rori Raye on November 26, 2010 at 10:02 pm

    Jeremiah, Welcome, and you sound GREAT! You’re as romantic as we women! Okay – This is very interesting – you’re involved with a “taken” woman – but polyamory is the picture. And this woman doesn’t really want to be monogamous with anyone (yet) and you DO! with her! Here’s what I would do – enjoy it! And date other women! And SLEEP with other women (she’s not sexually faithful to you, is she?) if you want to. If and when you can’t stand it anymore, because you’re all hung up on her…drop her. If she’s not dropping the other guy for you now, she never will…I know of people who’ve lived in threesomes for years and years – but eventually, one of the men or women edges out the other. Perhaps, once comfortably within this three-way relationship, you could introduce another woman into the “family” — go with your gut, but don’t expect her to all of a sudden drop him for you…it could happen down the line, but the way to make this work is to be okay with it and have no expectations…if you make her all that important – she’ll turn off of you. Love, Rori