Relationship Remodel

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My husband and I finally followed our daughter out here, after she’d finished grad school to become a Nurse Practitioner, decided to build a career and home in St. Louis – and left us in Los Angeles over 5 years ago.

It took us awhile.

And now we’re here, and I’m ecstatic.

Every day I wake up, see the trees outside all my windows, hear the birds, see and experience whole seasons (THREE already!) – and feel so amazingly happy.

Just plain  happy – no matter what else is going on.

When we bought this house (nearly sight-unseen – we saw it on Zillow, contacted the owner who was selling it himself, contacted a real estate agent in St. Louis sight-unseen – Dana Eller, who is SPECTACULAR, I came out for a weekend, walked the house withDana and signed the offer), I knew it was a cosmetic fixer-upper.  Yayy!!!!

Dana Eller

No one else wanted to tackle gutting the kitchen, bathrooms, deck and nearly everything else – but me!

I was filled with gratitude that the house had remained on the market ’til I got there!

And now I’ll be sharing every step along the way, and how this “remodeling” is all connected to your love life.

How can that be?

Because you are remodeling yourself.

Not remodeling your REAL self, but the self that’s been through life training and high school, and TV shows, and everyone telling you what you should and should not be, how you should and should not act….

In a sense, you’re tearing out walls that don’t belong. Walls that someone else put up.

*You’re opening up windows, and opening up space.You’re letting more light in.

*You’re making hundreds of decisions every day.

*You’re questioning yourself.  Questioning your judgment, coming up against how much you do and don’t trust yourself, and building confidence in this new life you’re building.

*It may not be brick and mortar and lighting fixtures – but it all fits together.

*And – the fact is – you’re remodeling yourself IN FRONT of men everywhere!

*It’s no different from working with a contractor, a crew, workers, designers, stores, online shopping, furniture – all of it.

*It’s learning to “run a crew” LIKE A GIRL!

*It’s learning to sleep well no matter how much is going on in your head, or how much you didn’t like the paint color or the tile you’d chosen once it was on the wall.

*It’s learning to interact with everyone around you with confidence, and yet with EMOTION.

*It’s The Modern Siren playground – and here we go!

First – Falling In Love With Where You Are Now

This is about somehow neutralizing the powerful, gloomy, damping down effect that frustration and talking yourself down can create when you’re unhappy with where you are right now in your love life.

I’m not suggesting that you shouldn’t feel or be unhappy – never! – Instead, I want you to literally Fall In Love with that gloomy, depressed, icky feeling and the way your body feels so tired from those feelings damping you down.

Once you can do that, and can allow your body to soften so that you’re not holding anything back or down – you just ARE – the next steps all come in a rush.

The most powerful moment will come for you out of nowhere.  It’ll be a sudden desire to “do” something that doesn’t feel like “doing.”

It won’t be what you usually do, eating something or watching TV, or dragging yourself to a bar or coffee shop, or on a date (even though I DO want you to get yourself out there…).

It’ll be something that inspires you – something small – a thought, an idea, a piece of colored paper laying about somewhere, a bird outside the window – something unexpected and seemingly tiny.

From that small thing, you begin to step into a new, open doorway without fear – because you naturally will not feel afraid of a small thing that feels inspired and good!

For some, this could look like writing: a journal, a play, a book, a screenplay (that was me!).

For some it could look like suddenly dancing to a commercial that shows up on TV, as you begin choreographing an entire dance in your kitchen, and then turning into yoga and stretching right there.  Then, tomorrow you might feel like actually going to a dance or yoga class – or find yourself going out the door to the salsa or swing dancing place nearest you.

For some it could look like cleaning out your refrigerator or closet.

It could look like signing up for an online class, or getting a coach, or BECOMING a coach!!!

In terms of a concrete (literally!) thing like a house, with wood and metal and paint and …concrete – for me, it looked like “one thing that would completely change into another.” And this would happen one tiny decision after another.

By the time I got to the “paint” – I had already told the engineer and architect exactly how I wanted the walls taken down and rebuilt – though none of them could visualize it but me.

This looked like me coming up against my “I don’t know what I’m doing…” voices – just as we come up with that same voice in our romantic relationship.

Another important thing that showed up from the very beginning was what my making all these decisions and telling grown men what I wanted and what I wanted them to do for me was – how did that impact my marriage?

How were these men (yes, the entire crew was men…which will bring up Circular Dating somewhere in this series…) going to relate to me if I’m running the show?

In one early moment, I hired a designer for a “consult” – and then made the big decision to NOT hire a designer, but to do every single thing myself.

How was THAT going to play out with my husband — who had no idea if I knew what I was doing or was just some HGTV wanna-be in over my head? And how would he react to seeing me be super-competent?

Bottom line – could I do all this from my feminine energy, as I always say I do?

So – every single moment of this, I had to Fall In Love with what I thought, what I felt, what came out of my mouth, what happened after, what anyone then said or did around me, everyone’s constant reactions and follow through. Everything.

So – for you, for your love life – we start from there.

Here’s what I started with:

Dark. Gloomy. There were two sinks, two stoves and two dishwashers for the observant Jewish family who ran a B & B here many years ago. I would get to turn those into one of each for us, yes, but most important – I would create a space for me to feel HAPPY in!

There were walls where there shouldn’t be walls.

It was going to be a gut of the kitchen. I would get to demolish things with a sledgehammer!

So – what are YOU going to demolish for your love life?

What will you tear down (gently!) to make room for what you truly, really WANT?

Your homework for this Intro is to sit down and take some pictures of your love life and life in general as it stands.

*Take some real pictures of what represents where you spend time and energy, what and who you invest yourself in, and then make some silly drawings/sketches of what that feels like, what it looks like….

However you draw, you’ll be able to represent “cramped,” or “empty,” or “filled up.”  You can put in everything that’s in both your inner and outer “space.”

Don’t pass by your work – that has a HUGE effect on how we feel about ourselves, and if we can’t find inspiration in our work – that can drag us down all around.

See how it feels to look at what you lay out.

No matter what begins to bubble up from inside – Fall In Love With It!!!

This is how we begin.

No stuffing, dissing ourselves, tightening up and defending and explaining – just Feel It – and then Fall In Love With It – whatever “It” is.

Next post coming up soon…

Love, Rori










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  1.  #1Nermine on October 23, 2018 at 12:47 pm

    Love love love! taking pictures of how my love life feel & look like–putting it out there for my eyes to see..just swaying with the idea can be scary and exciting! LOVE THE NEW KITCHEN BTW 😀 I am loving this series Rori..what I am going to demolish are the unnecessary words i say or people say to me that “good men are are senseless…” …and more importantly, befriending my angry and doubtful voice that says “it cant work..ur not up to it”…xx

  2.  #2Teresa on November 1, 2018 at 4:07 am

    Waaaahhhhhhh I finally make it to SoCal and Rori has… MOVED?!?! (I’m such a fangirl lol)

    I absolutely love this new remodel topic and will be watching with great eagerness for the next installments — no pun intended