Relationship Tool – Be Unpredictable

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Has a man ever disappointed you?

Made you feel like “less” and “not enough” and like you’re not as important as whatever it is he’s doing?

I remember that feeling being a standard part of every relationship.

I remember struggling with myself and enduring such second-class treatment I’m embarrassed to talk about it – yet still talking myself into excusing him, or making the reality of things into my fantasy of what I wished it would be.

It was like I ignored my own feelings and intuition, and just kept going – ruled by my feelings for a man.

If this is happening to you – if finding a relationship or getting the relationship you’re in to the next level of commitment is ruling your thoughts and emotions, if you feel sad more than you feel happy – it doesn’t have to be that way.

So – here’s a Tool to help: BE UNPREDICTABLE:

We’re so used to thinking of “unpredictability” as dangerous.

As filled with drama, and uncontrolled emotions, and moodiness.

And…well, the truth is – it can be about that.

But – it only happens like that when we’re not paying attention to ourselves, to what’s really going on with us – and we instead react knee-jerk fashion with our old patterns and triggers.

In other words – the drama only happens when we’re not in touch with how we’re feeling in the moment, and so we react out of habit.

And usually, we’re not in touch because we’re using all our energy to stuff down the feelings we’re truly having and trying to make everything be peaceful and pleasant on the outside.

Well, trying to control what happens is worse than useless – it destroys our attractiveness.

It makes us small and tight, and makes us feel needy and desperate.

So – how can we make being unpredictable a great-feeling thing?

1. Make a list of situations you seem to encounter over and over – (and leave at least 5 lines of space between each entry).

Things like:

“He acts this way and then I feel…” Or,

“He says this and then I do this…” Or,

“I want this, and there’s just no man around…” Or

“I want this, and he’s just not doing it…”

Write down situations where you feel frustrated, upset, and can’t seem to get your point across in a way a man can hear, or feel like you’re just not getting the attention you deserve.

2. Go back over your list, and beneath each situation, write down what you “usually” do in that situation.

Write down what you’re thinking, what you’re feeling in your heart and your body, and what you say and do when that situation happens

3.  Now look over your list and see if there’s a pattern.

See if you do the same thing in more than one situation.

See if you can find a pattern of anger, or of you detaching emotionally from him, or of you laughing about it, or stuffing your feelings down.

See if you can find a similarity in sensations – perhaps you feel “tense” or “numb” or “scared” in most of the situations.

4.  Now go back over the list, and in your entry on what you “usually” do and say in that situation – circle the FEELINGS you had at that moment.

See if different situations brought up different emotions, see if you can find a lot of different emotions, and then make a new entry:

Write down three feelings for each situation.

5. Now, beneath the line where you rewrite down the feelings, and using those feelings for reference and to guide you, write down a NEW way to have acted, something new to have said in each situation.

Use the feelings to write down Feeling Messages (you can learn how do to Feeling Messages in all of my programs – if you don’t have the ebook yet – start there, it will walk you through exactly what to do).

Now..

6. Take a look at your list, and at each entry’s NEW words and actions.

Are some of them uncomfortable?  Do they seem hard to do?

Do they seem scary?   Like you would upset the situation or cause conflict or ruin the evening?

Take a close look at them, and make sure the actions are either Leaning Back, or Walking Away, or speaking the Truth in Feeling Messages…

…for example: “I feel really uncomfortable and angry right now, and I don’t like feeling this way…”

Or “I’m feeling really lonely right now…” and then having a plan to go somewhere or do something else rather than tolerate neglect – and doing it.

Now..

7.  Go back over the list again, and this time look at each new entry, and TRY IT.

Just stand in the middle of a room (make sure you’re alone), picture your man, or any man, in front of you, imagine yourself in the situation you’ve written down, and practice your new words and action.

How does it feel?

Does it feel different?

If it feels a bit scary – you’ve got it right.

After you practice more, on your own,or with smaller steps with men you meet out in the world, you’ll feel less scared, and you’ll feel more willing to try these new – UNPREDICTABLE things with a man.

And once you try – you’ll get such amazing results – you’ll automatically want to keep doing it over and over and over again.

And the more you do it, the more great results you get!

When you get in touch with, and then express your feelings, when you allow yourself to be vulnerable in front of a man, it’s unbelievably attractive.

A woman’s feelings, when she’s really feeling them and owning them and expressing them in a way a man can hear – is the most endearing thing a man can experience.

He just turns into putty and wants to make you happy.

So try getting this unpredictability thing into your mind and especially your body – that doing things the way we’ve always done them is what’s keeping us stuck in the old, unfulfilling results.

Really work this Tool, and share your lists right here…

Love, Rori

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41 Comments

  1.  #1heartbeat on March 10, 2009 at 4:32 am

    Rori – this is a BRILLIANT tool, thank you SO MUCH! It will really help me. I feel delighted.
    It’s perfect for me 🙂



  2.  #2heartbeat on March 10, 2009 at 4:38 am

    Postcard to Sirens of Siren Island:

    I swam back to the mainland on a reconnaissance mission three nights ago – the food here is exotic and the weather unbeatable! I’m stretched out on my gardenside couch with a big hairy man who makes me feel very happy. I am a new woman! I’ve decided to stay awhile and just practise all my new tools and do all the things I enjoy without thinking about it so much. I’ll be reading your news through the interisland connection service and cheering you all on!!!

    Love from Lazy Leopard Heartbeat XXXXXXXXXXXX



  3.  #3Samat on March 10, 2009 at 4:46 am

    lol



  4.  #4Linmayu on March 10, 2009 at 7:57 am

    Haha, you go Heartbeat! 😀



  5.  #5Daria on March 10, 2009 at 11:37 am

    Hi Heartbeat, men have been crashing around here and sailing back and forth as usual… can’t wait to try Rori’s new tool too in a few minutes!



  6.  #6Daria on March 10, 2009 at 12:15 pm

    1. He flirts with another girl or says that he would have sex with a girl on TV

    and then I feel Numb on the side of my body closest to him, Angry, stuck, disrespected, fake. I start feeling like he doesn’t really like me, start thinking that a man who wanted me would never say something like that around me, hold in my rage to not look like I’m overeacting and sometimes say I feel jealous and feel embarassed about saying that. Otherwise I feel shut down and like there’s a wall between us and want to get away from him.

    Feeling: Rage, shut down, insecure

    (Rori help – whats a new way to act right now? I FEEL ANGRY and insecure. I leave the room. Somehow this doesn’t quite seem like a new way.)

    2. He sits in the car or near me and pays no attention to me, only music or something in his environment

    I feel lonely, I try to distract myself with something in my environment too, sometimes it doesn’t work and I feel sad, I start feeling not good enough, I start thinking that If he really liked me this wouldn’t happen, I start thinking that with a girl he liked he would be leaning forward all the time. I feel bad. Sometimes I leave abruptly and feel awkward that he might think I’m acting weird or overly dramatic.

    Feelings: lonely, insecure, bad

    ( I feel lonely. I want to leave. Leave – again this doesn’t seem like a new way)

    3. I want companionship and laughter and there’s just no man around.

    I sit and wait it out. I call male friends or even visit them. Usually I don’t get an inviting response. I feel sad. I feel nostalgic. I think that this wouldn’t happen if I was “cool” enough to have guy friends call me all the time. I feel longing and a sense of everlasting unhappiness.

    Feelings: lonely, nostalgic, longing

    (Sink into my feelings. Do EFT to change my lonely feeling and feeling connected – again have done this before doesn’t seem so different).

    4. He really likes me and texts me and wants to see me a lot right away, and I feel ok towards him but not instantly sexually attracted and I feel scared to hurt his feelings, push him away, and I think that I KNOW I’m not going to start feeling attracted.

    I feel stuck. I selectively answer his texts in a flirty way as if I did like him. I don’t answer every single one. I don’t accept dates for every single day even if I am free. I feel ick and disappointed. I feel bad that I am not going to like him even if he seems like a good guy. I feel worried about myself and how I feel instantly attracted to certain men and want to date them, I feel like this is bad and will lead to my love destruction. I feel disappointed in myself and try to convince myself to like him, and continue to date him.

    Feelings: stuck, disappointed, guilty

    (Say I feel disappointed I don’t feel sexually attracted to you… or I don’t think you’re my type… — this one feels REALLY uncomfortable to say… I don’t really want to say this to him… what if I start liking him later? I don’t want to turn a good man away after one date… HELP)

    Please help Rori and Sirens with new things to do… I feel bad right now because I couldn’t think of new things to do and I am feeling like I am more STUCK and I don’t like it.



  7.  #7Daria on March 10, 2009 at 12:16 pm

    I feel awful. I couldn’t think of new things to do in almost any of the situations. Wow. I feel really badly triggered. I feel so sad. Even now removed I can’t think of different things to do. =(. I feel hopeless.



  8.  #8Daria on March 10, 2009 at 12:19 pm

    I feel really MAD!!! I want this exercise to work for me and for soem reason I feel really angry… I don’t know if it’s at me but I kinda feel like I’m mad at Rori for not helping more with new things to do. I feel like I’m already doing the things I can think of doing. Ifeel like I’ve tried new things a hundred thousand times. I feel STUCK! I feel so ANGRY!!! and that feels like scrunched browns and open mouth and concentrated eyes and tight left shoulder. And I love my left shoulder. I feeel angyr… WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO!!! WHAT? I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO OR ELSE I WOULDVE DONE IT ALREADY!1! I Feel VERY VERY ANGRY!!!



  9.  #9Katja on March 10, 2009 at 1:16 pm

    Rori,I hope you read this in time. I purchased The Modern Siren through Ebay and now I received an email from one of your co-worker that said it will be shipped tomorrow-but there is a wrong adress listed. I don’t know why and I feel confused about this,cause its my old adress from one year ago. I already sent an email with my current adress. I just want to make sure it will be shipped to my current adress because it would be really annoying if I wouldn’t receive it and it would go all the way back from germany. I feel kind of mad about this right now. Please let me know if your co-worker was able to change the adress. Sorry that I “use” your blog for this but I just want to make sure it will be shipped to the correct adress. I don’t want us to have trouble with that. Thank you,
    Katja



  10.  #10alias girl on March 10, 2009 at 4:17 pm

    daria sweet daria. daria daria daria sweet daria. i feel overjoyed at your dedication. i feel confident that if you practice being vulnerable you will experience different results. maybe not results you wish for but at least they will be different.

    you have right at the bottom of each scenario what feelings are coming up for you. you can practice sharing one or two of them with the person triggering you instaed of just leaving the room. leaving is Always an option. there are men online that i write off in my mind bc their behavior is so wrong for me personally. but i’ll use the situation as practice to express how i feel and then i get to experience results from a very non threatening, low risk place. if the situations you mentioned are too high voltage for you start with the baby one at the bottom with the guy you’re not even interested in. ie. i feel disappointed because i want to feel attracted. i don’t want someone who comes on too strong before i am sure of my reciprocating feelings.

    hopefully this makes sense and isn’t too triggering.

    yes yes why yes i do realize i am meddling.



  11.  #11Daria on March 10, 2009 at 4:59 pm

    Ohh Alias girl thank you for answering! Or “meddling” as you choose to trigger yourself with… hehe…

    thank you… actually I feel most terrified of the last one LOL… where I DID feel I have a new choice.

    I feel scared to communicate to a guy that I don’t feel attracted to him after the first date, and that I don’t know if I will this time , but I usually don’t etc etc it feels like too much in my head and thinking… plus Rori instructs us to receive energy… I feel better just leaning back and accepting the attention. Maybe you know what I Do like this guy (that is right now in my rotation)’s energy…

    When I have a “stifler” pronounced StAIfler not stiffler LOL I will try what you have suggested. I feel much calmer now as I am furiously using my boy energy to study for the GMAT I am taking Friday.

    I also wrote a cool poem on Linmayu’s blog that some people didn’t “get” but I felt very proud of it. I love Linmayu’s poems.



  12.  #12Daria on March 10, 2009 at 4:59 pm

    It felt SOOO NICE when you called me sweet Daria! I Love you!!! Thank you!!



  13.  #13Reflection on March 10, 2009 at 6:12 pm

    Hi All! I’m noticing that the draw to my former is one that starts out from a place of sweetness and kindness and within a few days of spending time together, we’ve started a downward spiral. It seems like when one thing gets off balance, it only seems to lead to more imbalances. We both try to reconnect but our efforts don’t go all that well in the current situation.

    I’m realizing one contributing factor is he cannot process the depth I’m coming from as quickly as I imagine I need him to. He’s not prepared to go into the kind of depth I would expect from a person I’ve been involved with for a year and a half.

    So, I have been noticing that both of us disregard the signals suggesting we need space to digest our time together. We generally do come back to a more integrated experience after taking some time to be with the deep sentiments… When one of us disregards that we need space, we become extremely negative influences on one another.

    The relationship bears a heavy weight of lots of major past violations… I am leaning strongly towards completing the intimate romantic relationship with him and cleaning that up inside myself.

    I’ve never met a more insulting person when it comes to his tactics when he feels overwhelmed or confronted. It does come from the initial relationship dynamic and I have to say, I started it…

    It seems like a reflection of our mutual tendencies to default into negative thinking. New people who I have been introduced to don’t seem to be as easily triggered or retriggering.

    I’d love some loving encouragement to move in a direction for relationship with someone who is better able to support the uplifting dialog I’m interested in experiencing and who has the capacity to be a stand if negative thinking patterns start without getting himself entangled in them and without withdrawing love and connection.

    Overcoming negative thinking patterns has been a life long work for me… family conditioning… I think to be loving to myself means I would allow myself to be with a partner who has a successful way of loving his partner past those moments when the gremlins come up and being empowering to her to move beyond them in her own beautiful and feminine way.

    I’ve only noticed in the present relatedness, both of us seem so wired and so sensitive to each other that the likelihood that good feelings we build up are fragile. It seems to me that without greater commitment to our inner game and that commitment being a match, it doesn’t seem likely that staying in the game with him is going to be more than an exercise in frustration… except, at some point, as friends…

    bless all!



  14.  #14Reflection on March 10, 2009 at 6:26 pm

    One last note from Reflection: I feel more like this guy’s mom most of the time… anytime I go for a deeper connection with him… he reverts to showing up like an eight year old… I think he’s generally a nice guy with good intentions and sensitive triggers… a lot like me…

    When triggered, he behaves like a snot and it polarizes me to behave like an aloof mom correcting an immature kid… the challenge is… I really see him most of the time as if he’s an immature kid… and occasionally, I see his depth shine through… and it takes my breath away… but he’s completely unconcerned about monogamy so the risk is very high… it seems like he wants full ownership of his depth… he wants full charge of his ability to take what he learns in relatedness with me so he can take it around to try it out on others.

    Sometimes, someone is just offensive… even if not always offensive… sometimes magnificent… sometimes out to lunch… sometimes too immature to consistently be at a level where the two of you can match more than not…

    Am I looking through the filter of reality or negative thinking?

    TOO MUCH WORK!



  15.  #15Linmayu on March 10, 2009 at 6:33 pm

    Daria, I loved your poegle. 😀

    Did you see who else commented on my blog…a man I’ve been talking to on POF busted me! He asked about Makani…

    Feels strange and scary and exciting!



  16.  #16Daria on March 10, 2009 at 8:10 pm

    Reflection how are you feeling? Do you feel tense or relaxed? Are you feeling afraid? Tell us your feelings and where do you feel them in your body… It would feel good to see you love your feelings… typing out I love my fear, I love my anger… and that will take you to a place of loving them even if you don’t feel it’s true… It will work faster, (and maybe a little scarier but so much more GOOD and soft and authentic feeling) than Thinking through what’s going on.

    Have you gotten a chance to do the riffing in the power and self esteem tools? Start from the beginning of the list making and saying how this would feel?

    I am getting ready to go out for the night. I feel worried I will feel tired tomorrow when I have an appointment that is earlier than usual for me. I WANT to feel that I will have UNBELIEVABLE fun tonight, that I will feel connected and release energy through dancing and feel magical… and that feels like rhythmic pumping in my ears, like warm excited tightness in my chest and stomach, like expanding in my lower area. That would feels like tingles throughout my body, like tightening one organ after another as the energy moves through my body, like feeling moved by the rhythm. That feels exciting.. and I LOVE my excitement, I love the feeling of connection, and that feels like smiling, like getting lost in the sound in a super Pleasurable way and I LOVE losing myself to dancing and sound and knowing I am part of the world and the magic in it.

    I feel like going now… really really.



  17.  #17Daria on March 10, 2009 at 8:10 pm

    Linmayu I did see that right now! Wow cool! That is so cool he came to your blog! Awesome! YEAH!!! You go Goddess!



  18.  #18Linmayu on March 10, 2009 at 8:44 pm

    I don’t know if it’s cool or not, I mean, I imagine that a man who sees into me to that degree before even meeting me…wouldn’t he think I’m crazy? But it’s a big, fascinating experiment, nonetheless.

    I wrote back to him on the site and told the story…fun stuff.

    As for what this topic’s actually about…I did it, and it is going to end up being a huge book. So I’ll just post a couple of the things from the list.

    Things that keep happening to me over and over again with men

    1. I see a man down the street and I try to make eye contact, he looks away and I feel angry and like I was duped or cheated
    Thinking: oh, let’s see if this one’s going to pay attention to me! I am a Goddess, I should get attention. Surely since I’m using Rori’s tools I’m going to get attention. Oh, I bet he’s not going to look at me. Yep, he looked away and turned up his nose at me. Jerk! How dare he act like he’s better than me!
    Feeling: nervous, on edge, kind of wound-up. Consciousness is in my head, in fact, about to jump out of the left side of my head and onto him.
    Say and Do: say nothing, keep walking, look away, feel angry, beat myself up for messing up “again,” perhaps say “fuck!” under my breath
    Pattern: I’m a terrible Rori follower lol and I have a tendency to put my energy outside of myself.
    Feelings: nervous, anxious, scared, unconfident, angry.
    New action: Just walk around like I’m this big tall walking tree, feeling my roots in the earth, branches in the sky, and trunk in human-space, enjoy the feeling of it, focus inward on what I am feeling, and let the rest go.

    2. I am seeing a man and everything seems fine, and then suddenly he’s decided to pay more attention to another woman than to me, and then he decides to stop seeing me, and I feel slighted, hurt, and very angry
    Thinking: oh, that girl is prettier than me, and he’s going to like her better, and there isn’t anything I can do about it.
    Feeling: sad and defeated and hopeless, and wanting to get him to pay attention to me
    Say and do: stew in anger, or go up and touch him, or call him or otherwise move toward him. Lean back for a little bit but when he doesn’t show up, go after him.
    Feelings: sadness, aching longing, hopelessness, loss
    New action: 1) walk away, 2) allow other men to approach and talk to me, 3) when man #1 shows up, tell him what I feel, and 4) if necessary, stop seeing man #1

    3. I am talking to men and they stop calling after I’ve started to feel something for them, and I feel disappointed.
    Thinking: I hope he calls…he isn’t calling…why isn’t he calling? I thought we connected, I liked him. 🙁
    Feeling: disappointed, defeated, hopeless, unconfident
    Say and do: stew in anger or depression and hit the dating sites like crazy
    New action: riff, and then take myself out to wherever he talked about taking me, and enjoy the heck out of it and flirt with whoever is there.



  19.  #19Rori Raye on March 10, 2009 at 11:10 pm

    Daria – just wanted to weigh in here – you’re doing fantastic. Just remember that great date where you stayed with yourself. Keep doing that. you’re very, very young. If my husband said he’d like to have sex with a girl on TV – I’d say something like – “me, too…” unless I was feeling low – then I’d say “That felt crappy” and leave the room.

    You’re too young to be with a man who says stupid things. Please just keep being open and dating good men if you aren’t attracted to them. You clearly have what is called “false attractions” – and it’s not your fault, it’s an energetic thing. Just keep trying to feel good feeling good with a man, even if not turned on. Make friends. Learn how to do deep, connected friendship. Then you can ease into the chemistry thing.

    Just experiment and stop beating yourself up. Life is a journey – you’re never off the path – just keep going. Love, Rori



  20.  #20Reflection on March 11, 2009 at 12:57 am

    I love it… false attractions! This is Reflection… I have that too! Tonight I tried this new thing called funlunjoy and it’s another wonderful piece to letting go! That’s what the key is right now… let go, let go, let go… emotions come up I don’t like… great… feel them… now decide… do I want to keep them? No… ok… let go! Feel desire for something, feel it, then let it go!

    The attraction to someone who eventually turns from sweet to sour in order to feed the negative thinking patterns is on its way out! I can feel myself clearing it… every week… a little more… I don’t think it’s about this former boyfriend so much as it is about the bigger message from the Universe… my freedom to feel good matters! It’s available to me! A great partnership is easily attracted to a mind vibing in the zone of free to feel good! free to feel great for longer and longer periods of time… and longer and longer and longer periods of time…

    building muscles of emotional choice!

    Love to all!
    Reflection



  21.  #21alias girl on March 11, 2009 at 1:48 am

    i feel confused by my own self. i can honestly say i have no idea what i truly want. ??????????? i can tell you what i THINK i want.

    i think i want a boyfriend who turn into a lifelong partner. but do i? really? want that?

    i feel sooooooo much more at ease with this whole circular dating thing. mostly because i have decided to be Very authentic. which it turns out is slightly aggressive. not leaning forward aggressive. but energetically. i’m noticing the men i am attracting (and have attracted in the past also) are more soft and romantic in spirit. i am actually what would be the word? boyish? i mean strength to me seems to be a man’s honesty, authenticity, holding his own boundaries and being able to tolerate my authenticity. but i feel very interested in this new process of discovering who i actually am and what might truly be compatible with me.

    i am not typical feminine. from my musical tastes to my hobbies. i feel my outsides are feminine. and i feel my instincts are feminine. but my personality is boyish. and i feel ok with that. i mean i’m not chewing tobacco and walking with a man swagger. but anyway i don’t need to describe the minutea of my self discovery.

    i feel enjoyment getting to know new men. i always feel like men just want sex from me. like no man had ever wanted to make me their girlfriend and just wanted to keep the relationship on a sexual basis. so i feel confused about that.

    i feel confused. i don’t know what i want. if i lived in my ideal world i would have sex with a couple of different guys. having casual relationships with all of them and if one got serious then yae. if not. then whatever. part of it comes from my childhood trauma and fear of abandonment. if i don’t commit i can’t be abandoned.



  22.  #22alias girl on March 11, 2009 at 1:54 am

    i feel confused. men ask me what i want and i say i want a boyfriend and i am starting to wonder
    a)if it’s true
    b)if it’s possible

    ???? anyway i am really enjoying a couple of men i am talking with. i feel good i am not just attracting challenging situations all the time now. 🙂 that feels really good.

    i feel interested that one of your pof guys outed you linmayu. i feel excited about that. and how cool you get to talk about makani with him.

    daria i feel glad for our moment of love. 🙂



  23.  #23alias girl on March 11, 2009 at 1:58 am

    reflection i feel triggered by so much Thinking and spinning. i feel open to the world and love and self and discovery of new ways of being by following my feelings. Following FEELINGS is a very powerful Way of Life for me.

    i feel _____________

    a person can start at the simplest level of discovering just by finishing that statement.

    what do you Feel?

    also rori’s ebook is a great foundation for all her work and tools. a great place to start. not too expensive.



  24.  #24alias girl on March 11, 2009 at 2:00 am

    i feel really really scared of being someone’s girlfriend or committing to mongamy.

    i feel a little repulsed by the idea.



  25.  #25Katja on March 11, 2009 at 2:29 am

    I was able to get in touch with one of your co-workers (Kim) on the support-page through live chat and she changed the adress into the correct one so everything will be fine now and I hope I will receive my Modern Siren next week. 🙂 I hadn’t changed my adress on my paypal account after moving together with my boyfriend. That was the whole problem. Forgetful me… 🙂 Everything is fine now,I feel like a big rock is falling from my heart. Thank you again.

    Katja



  26.  #26Maria on March 11, 2009 at 3:45 am

    l think the problem is that if we keep having dissapointed experiences with men, it keeps bringing us down about how we value ourselves. Sometimes l think that there is no man that really likes me, but l still have some hope that among in a million men who does not like me there is 1 who does, but what if he is “out of my league”



  27.  #27Maria on March 11, 2009 at 3:46 am

    l dont know how to look for the one, that likes me….in fact more than likes…is INTO me, totally



  28.  #28Ann on March 11, 2009 at 3:43 pm

    Ladies you might see this post more than once. For some reason my computer is being crazy. So I’m trying
    to get a short note on the post so I can get comments on my cell. AG any tips on how to post from
    my cell? Going to try to read the post tonight and I hope comment more but not sure what my computer
    will do.



  29.  #29Linmayu on March 11, 2009 at 4:34 pm

    “Outed” is definitely the right word and I’m starting to get used to it. You have no idea how many closets I’ve come out of in the past year and a half or so.

    There’s something that feels so terrifying and thrilling about the whole process. Realizing that I am a certain thing, really getting into being that thing within myself, and then becoming that thing out in the world, ready or not. I grew up in an environment where who I am, inside and out, was considered Not Okay. And it can be really easy to succumb to those voices and live in a box. I can get only this kind of job, talk to only this kind of person, express only this kind of feeling, wear only this kind of clothing. Put on the generally accepted armor so that everyone will see that I am okay.

    And with men, I’ve been told that I must never let on to my true desires for relationship. That I need to put myself into the fun fuck-buddy box because that is all they really want and one mention of marriage will make them break up with me. And now I’ve gone and let a man see just about everything–all the previously hidden desires, the stories that go on in my head…and it hasn’t driven him back into the fuck-buddy comfort zone. Not yet. I feel quite intrigued.



  30.  #30Daria on March 11, 2009 at 7:53 pm

    Haaaa. That feels awesome. Rori says I am young. I feel young. I feel spiritually and soulfully young. I feel young maybe emotionally and mentally? Sort of. Not sure about that really. Anyways it feels good to hear Rori says that because I feel like I now have all the time I need to “get it right” about love and life.

    Which is cool. Better than feeling like at 26 I’m way late on the train. I feel rushed by time. Because my mom was already married and having me at this age, and some girls and women already have many children and relationships. Cool. I am still young. “Very very young” as Rori says. Yay. I kinda feel scared that a part of me is stuck young emotionally. That is ok though. I love myself.

    I feel scared I am not that young. I am 26. I feel a lil scared… and I love my fear… I love it… and that feels like warmth moving down through my pelvis… I feel relaxed.

    I am really good at being friends with men. I think no girl could parallel me on the making friends with men part. I really got that down. And a lot of my relationships this way feel REALLY CONNECTED. So I will lean back and invite more. Although the men I’m not attracted to, some I am not attracted to as friends either… right… don’t have to be friends with them. Will stay open. Will keep practicing feeling good with man while feeling good about myself.

    I “knew” that I had false attractions. That’s ok though. Like I said I love myself. How do I change or heal these false attractions?

    You know what is kinda cool? I have been thinking back to the first time I think I started this chasing men pattern. I always reffer back to this situation: I was 6, and I liked this boy who lived across the street, but I was “boyish” and played around outside, and he liked a “girly” girl from his school he said that wore dresses a lot. Or at least that’s what I remember. And I would run around and try to kiss him.

    Ok here’s hte cool part. What’s starting to take more precedence in this memory is that before the moment I felt “smitten” by this boy, which was one day as I looked out the balcony and saw this blond hair running around in the sun and it looked like gold from a fairytale , or like the “golden stag” from fairytales, Well… BEFORE that… I had actually walked by this same little boy, who was crying over another little boy had done something to his toy gun. And I remember thinking what a wuss. I do not like boys who cry. So this is coming up now and it is cool because I no longer feel like he is so “above” me by nature. In fact I didn’t even want him when I first saw him. cool.

    Oh yeah.. also I went out dancing to the club and had some cool revelations. Alias Girl I did as promised!!! This guy was trying to talk to me, part nice guy because he’s making conversation, but I felt uncomfortable because he was leaning way close to me when talking and just draping himself on me it felt like. So I actually at one point told him. I don’t feel comfortable having you leaning that close to me. And then I got up and left. That felt really good and dignified.

    Also I felt really annoyed at there being no space, and I noticed that when I knew the “draper” guy was behind me or some girls who were bumping into me, I felt really TINGLY on my arm and back that was closest to them. I was intensely aware of their presence and found it hard to focus on me, on looking ahead, on relaxing or dancing. I feel that almost ALWAYS when I’m upset, the arm or side of me closest to the person I feel upset at feels tingly and heavy and numb.

    Also this one guy who I suspect was drunk or might even have been a drug addict said some rude stuff to me and even flapped his hand in my face. Then after that I noticed him intensely (feeling angry and afraid) in the room, even though I was dancing above, and felt hard to get the focus back on me.

    Hmmm… I feel really interested by this “my arm and side gets numb and tense near a person I feel uncomfortable with” pattern.

    I felt really crowded in and annoyed and didn’t really want to dance with the men that asked me. I did feel laid back and at one point after I had realized taht i wanted to have men not really come and say stuff to me or touch me two handsome men came and sat next to me on either side. Without conversation. I was feeling the energy very much and kinda felt like they were attracted to me, which made me feel good. I felt very cool sitting there in between the two men and didn’t really bother me that they were actually trying to talk to 2 of my friends because I felt my vibe was “don’t talk to me” and I didn’t really want to talk. So that was cool. I felt proud of myself for manifesting the 2 handsome men to give me just what I asked for, men who didn’t come and intrude in my “space.”

    Then I felt a little unsure of myself dancing, but at one point a guy who came and started talking to my friend said “wow look at that… Her” about me and I felt really flattered.

    I had a very “to myself” observant night. The guy who came up after the club to me felt dorky to me but also like a good guy, he wanted to take me out to eat. Which I really like guys taking me out to eat. Yes I LOVE that. and even though I didn’t act interested too much or make major eye contact or smile he pursued me and was very gentleman like. So if he does call me it will feel fun to let him take me out. Even though I don’t feel attracted to him.

    I feel certain that I will easily change this false attraction thing. My self esteem is really growing.



  31.  #31Daria on March 11, 2009 at 7:55 pm

    Rori should I tell the men I’m not attracted to that I don’t feel attracted to them but am open to being friends? I remember you telling us at one point to “not be friends” with the men we date. Is it ok…? Any more clarification on this would feel wonderful.



  32.  #32Rori Raye on March 11, 2009 at 10:35 pm

    Daria – as long as ALL you feel for him is friends – of course you can be friends. Just make sure you leave enough time to date. What you don’t want to do is be “friends” with a man you feel more for, hoping his feelings will change – they won’t.

    Daria – I’m willing to bet your system and hormones are all off. Have you seen a nutritionist or Chinese Medical Doctor – or someone who could help you? I’ll bet doing without sugar for a week on that challenge brought up a lot of stuff. Please keep doing that, and go to the health food store, eat yogurt and probiotics (ask them at the store and they’ll point you to them). It’s almost like you’re PMSing and bouncing – and I’m willing to bet it’s physical leading to emotional. Rose at http://www.WellnesswithRose.com talks about this all the time.

    Treat yourself well…Love, Rori



  33.  #33Priscilla on March 12, 2009 at 9:19 am

    Rori, I really like working through the “unpredictability tool” because I have always felt like a person that was boxed in and everyone knew what my reactions and response would be in any given situation. As I’ve worked through your tools, I find myself knocked clean out of my “comfort zone” and that is exactly where I need to be. I feel freer, lighter, softer, and more vulnerable without being weak.

    I want to find new ways to act–I AM finding new ways to act and respond so I can be even more authentic, open, and receiving. It feels uncomfortable and it hurts, I get triggered when I remind myself to lean back, withdraw, and let him row the boat. I feel panicky and anxious like I should be DOING something to get things going. I feel uncertain and insecure in my decisions, but they are MY decisions so that makes it ok. Rori, you say we are on the right path if being unpredictable feels new and uncertain, a little scary. I know I can’t go back to the old way of working a relationship.



  34.  #34Rori Raye on March 12, 2009 at 10:41 am

    Priscilla, Welcome and I’m so glad to read your comment and the new way you’re starting to feel. What a beautiful phrase – “knocked clean out of my comfort zone…”

    That’s exactly what it feels like. The feelings of being free, and yet horribly uncomfortable at the same time go back and forth until you do it enough where you simply get used to it – and then you move on even further, and the process starts over.

    The more you love yourself – hard – and embrace everything that comes up – the faster you can move through all this…

    Love, Rori



  35.  #35Daria on March 12, 2009 at 4:44 pm

    Dear Rori,

    Thank you for caring.

    I do feel I have some hormonal issues. My period is irregular. It doesn’t come every month, sometimes wont come for 2 or 3 months. It has always been like that. I have taken emergency contraception when I was younger and I took it kind of often, maybe like 6 times a year. It might have thrown my period regulation off or maybe it would have been off anyway… I got my period when I was 13 and then didn’t get it again for I think 2 or 3 years. My paternal aunt also said she got hers late.

    I am going to acupuncture for about 2 years now, when I realized something was wrong with my pee (TMI I feel awkward but it would sink to the bottom of the bowl which it didn’t use to). Maybe I had a bladder infection that I just let be without treatment for too long, because I didn’t want antibiotics because I would also get frequent yeast infections (I feel icky).

    At acupuncture they said I had weak kidneys (which I believe in this case would be weak adrenals in Western medicine). They have gotten stronger and one doctor said when my period will be regular the kidney will be completely better.

    I also used to binge drink a lot until a few years ago. I also smoke pot frequently since I was 18. I think the pot is weakening my kidneys but only in this past year have I actually been able to cut back on it. I now smoke it ocassionaly, but sometimes I will still smoke every day for a few days in a row. When I do smoke a few days in a row I feel more tired and bloated and I think it’s affecting my kidneys.

    I am really into natural health and make herb teas and use only natural skin products. I eat mostly healthy food and don’t have a junk food habit.

    Honestly I did not stick to the one week without sugar. My dad had just bought 4 different kinds of dark chocolate (with organic cane sugar) and I wanted to eat some. I also drank some margaritas with friends at lunch.

    I have gone many weeks without sugar in the past, however. I have also gone weeks eating only vegan food, but not for the past year or so.

    I just went to the acupuncturist today because I felt like my period was not really going to start when it is due (now). I hope it will, I LOVE getting my period.

    I feel like it will really balance me. Also I would probably be good to go to sleep earlier to rebuild my kidney strenght all the way. I could also do my rehabilitative workout a little more frequently although
    I do dance almost all the time. I also think that balancing out the hormones will curb my pot cravings to where I don’t feel cravings for it. I felt like I was no longer addicted to it for the first time in the past few months. However in the past two weeks I smoked it more frequently and the cravings returned.

    Thank you for the space to write out these “issues.” They would probably go well under the health post.



  36.  #36alias girl on March 12, 2009 at 7:30 pm

    i feel very protective of daria and her health. i just want to send good health vibes out to daria. i am a big health person. i wish for everyone to be super healthy. almost to an annoying degree. but i try and keep it to myself in my life and relationships. i try not push it on others.

    good health for daria. may you find the path that is best for you.

    soemtimes people with anxiety or ADD use the pot or alcohol to medicate and regulate other issues. i date a guy like that. in my opinion that was what was going on. i never really gave him my unasked for analysis.

    i sue isolation to regulate my anxiety. i am getting better though. i really feel very excited that this work i am doind with emily vanhorn,the somatic trauma resolution therapist, will help me alleviate alot of my anxiety. i used to have alot of excess adrenaline pumping pumping pumping all day everyday because my body was stuck in the state of being under attack. that has lessened 10000 degrees. now it’s just this sort of trapped terror that paralyzes me. but i feel that will go away soon. these are conditions my body has lived with my whole life. i feel very very very fortunate to be healthy. and very grateful.

    xoxo i wish good health and normal adrenal output for everyone.



  37.  #37alias girl on March 12, 2009 at 11:03 pm

    postcard to the sirens of siren island 😉 heartbeat

    i have gone to the land of anxiety. i hope to stay just a short while and never return. it’s just not that nice of a place. but i love myself while i am here.

    xoxo alias girl

    ugh. i feel Horrible. 🙁



  38.  #38Ann on March 12, 2009 at 11:55 pm

    AG, sending you a “hug” hope you “feel” good soon.



  39.  #39Daria on March 13, 2009 at 12:13 am

    Aww thank you AG! I just got an e-letter from Rose at Wellness with Rose who Rori recommended me above. She recommends alternate breathing from one nostril to the other to feel calm and combat anxiety.

    I have tried this before and wound up feeling very “zen.”

    I also like Dona Eden Energy Medicine found on Youtube. It looks silly but it REALLy works for me, I use her 5 minute Energizer Routine.



  40.  #40heartbeat on March 13, 2009 at 2:02 am

    AG I feel appreciative of your wishes for super health for everyone. That feels good. Thank you 🙂 And thank you too, Rori, for the link. I send hugs to AG and Daria and Rori.

    AG I like your reference to isolation, it feels familiar. I love my isolations, I feel creative. I don’t want to give up my alone times ever. I feel deep love for my man and my close friends and family. I feel amazed I have loved ones who are not put off by my hermity ways.

    I am feeling really good here on the mainland. Rori’s recent post and a couple of e-letters really helped me speak my truth. I made a decision to ‘throw away the rule book’ and stop feeling worried over details. And hey presto! I found my own words. And ‘followed the rules’ without even thinking about it. And I truly am surprised and amazed and having loads of fun, and my man is stepping up to be close and involved – I feel a deeper and deeper connection between us. Wow!

    I realised I was spending too long studying. On Siren Island. Late into the night. Not getting enough sleep. So I decided it would feel good to put most of that energy into my writing and art, and into my home and my garden – really into myself – instead of focusing so much on relationship, which was beginning to feel like leaning forward, in an odd way.

    I send everyone hugs and love and gratitude for all our journeys. XXXXXXXXXXX



  41.  #41Cassandra on March 16, 2009 at 1:31 pm

    Wow you guys…your posts are so inspiring and awesome!! Feels wonderful to read and take in! Thank you. Daria I feel as though I could totally relate to your health issues and hormonal stuff. I feel strongly that I deal with PMDD which most people (men mostly) would not even admit was real but science has FINALLY admitted it is indeed real. As a matter of fact I pretty much KNOW that I deal with it and it is debilitating emotionally. I can’t function and pretty much completely shut down emotionally…you can even see that in some of my posts. In the past I have seen a holistic Dr that did what is called BRT treatments and they helped me a great deal with other health issues. Maybe you could look into it……I know that I am going to try to find someone here who does it and I am going to try to go as much as I can for the treatments. They help to re-balance your entire system. I know for me that stress also adds fuel to the fire and I truly believe that the cancer that I dealt with was definitely a part of that. My body literally screams out that I am NOT paying attention to ME/it/my needs. The thing is is that I don’t usually ‘GET IT’ until my body has gotten into yet another health crisis and it is then that the light goes on in my mind….’Ohhhhhhh that was what you were trying to tell me!’ LOL I am hoping that as I move forward in my learning that I will be much quicker to catch those things. I am even noticing that when I am not ok emotionally I physically have trouble breathing and have to use a stronger medication to get me thru that and then when i can get into the good….calm emotions I can literally breathe again. How cool is it that our bodies react in such a way to literally get our attention! I am trying to pay more attention to that. I am praying that all gets worked out for you!! 🙂 Heartbeat…I love your island idea!!! Really awesome and creative!

    Rori…here is my list from your post above…….

    1. Charles goes out most Friday nights alone and does not come home until 2:30am and then I feel so angry and rageful…I feel so hurt that he leaves me out…I feel unloved and unappreciated and that he does not want to spend time with me and that he only spends time with me out of ‘default’ because I am here…. and then I feel unwanted and rageful that I am allowing myself to be treated this way….and angry that until I find a job I cannot change anything
    Thinking: I usually am thinking about how mad I am feeling and how I hate it when he does that and how inappropriate that is. I am thinking that he is specifically doing it to hurt me and that I don’t want him to do that anymore. Sometimes I think that it would be nice if he took me out like that to just hang out together. I often wonder if he is where he says he was going to be or with whomever he said that he was going to be with ie: his brother or cousin.
    Feeling: ANGRY, HURT, UNLOVED……I put most feelings above. In my body I feel like I can’t go to sleep until he gets home because I feel so angry. My entire body is always tense and tight and I can’t sleep…I am so angry and hurt by his actions/ choices. I cry alot when this happens.
    New thing to do: Do something that I enjoy….maybe work out although at 2:30 in the morning that is probably not possible. I can’t think of a new thing to do here????
    I could tell him…”gosh I feel glad that you are home safe but I also feel really hurt and disresected that you feel it is ok to come home at this hour. Having you come home in the middle of the night does not feel good to me at all. I feel really angry and disrespected by you right now and it feels awful. I feel as though I can’t talk to you about it either because you won’t even remember this tomorrow and that feels frustrating.” **The only thing is that this will not change anything and he will not want to listen to what I have to say and will not remember anything in the morning anyway. Any ideas here??

    2. He comes home at 2:30 in the morning and I try so hard to not say anything when he gets home….to NOT ask questions and just go to sleep but I end up asking him all sorts of questions and telling him how I feel disrespected when he does that
    Thinking: Same as #1 but also thinking how I don’t understand his actions sometimes
    Feeling: ANGRY, HURT, UNLOVED

    3. I want to be loved and told that he loves me and shown affection..hugs and kisses in the morning..before we go to sleep or before he leaves for work and when he gets home and he shows me none or if I go to give him a kiss he fusses that I am too affectionate or too this or too that….then I feel frustrated…angry…..unloved…unappreciated….unwanted….rejected…hurt…closed off. I start to wonder if there is something wrong with ME or I start to feel that I am ‘wrong’ somehow or doing something wrong.
    Thinking: I often wonder if I will ever have the things that I want in life and love. I often think about how I could change the situation that I have gotten myself into for the better.
    Feeling: ANGRY, HURT, REJECTED…I feel tense in my whole body. Often times I have a headache and the muscles between my shoulderblades throb becasue they are so tense.
    New thing to do: Walk away from him and focus on ME and something that I want to do that makes ME feel GOOD. I could also tell him….”you know I am a very affectionate person and I feel that I need that in a relationship. It would feel so good to me if you wrapped your arms around me and told me that you love me” ….or kissed me or hugged me or whatever……

    4. I moved here to marry Charles but AFTER moving hundreds of miles to be here with him and I gave up my entire life to MARRY him he decided that he is not ready to get married yet due to finances/ money (or so he says). I feel frustrated…betrayed….angry..livid really…rageful…resentful..unforgiving (I hate that I feel this way because it is MY heart that is all full of these awful feelings that I can’t seem to let go of!!)I feel lied to…I feel that it is MY life that is on hold because of him and the work situation here…I feel trapped…I feel stuck and so frustrated.
    Thinking: Again..about how I could change things for the better even with my job situation the way that it is. I try to think about how I am feeling about things and keep a gage on where I am at emotionally.
    Feeling: ANGRY, BETRAYED, REJECTED
    New thing to do: again..I can’t think of a now thing to do here because even if I tell him how I feel it will not change anything????

    I LOVE THIS EXCERCISE! Rori…I think I am finally getting it. The only thing though is that I am FINALLY realizing that in a REAL and NORMAL relationship this will totally work. I now know that I am NOT in a normal relationship. I am right in the middle of a very very toxic one where the man is not capable of ‘getting it’…he can’t dance. I finally get that. I think that if i were to do these things with a normal man who is not toxic it would totally work!! Am I on track here?? I think I am but want your input in case I am not.

    This felt really good to do this excercise! Thank you Rori and all for sharing!
    Sending love and hugs to all….
    Cassandra