Relationship Tsunami – Are You Immune From An Affair

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This is a great article by my friend Dr. Sheri Meyers on the  Huffington Post  called “RELATIONSHIP TSUNAMI WARNING:  7 Indicators You Aren’t Immune from an Affair”

The whole article has an emotional feel, uses the tsunami as a powerful metaphor, and I found it riveting. Here’s a short quote from it:

Without open, truthful and clear communication, we are left in the dark. This darkness is where our fears are given strength, our doubts given power and our trust becomes fragile. It is during these times when you or your partner may seek the ears (and hearts) of another who IS available to talk with you and who wants to hear and understand you.”
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/sheri-meyers/affairs_b_1653637.html .

Love, Rori

 

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593 Comments

  1.  #1Femininewoman on July 9, 2012 at 6:52 am

    Interesting



  2.  #2Femininewoman on July 9, 2012 at 6:54 am

    An affair can destroy a marriage, a family and a person’s self-esteem for years. Emotional, cyber and physical affairs take root in the vacuum of unmet needs and emotional separation. The first step to affair-proofing your relationship is to recognize where the weak spots are and then take the action needed to feed, fortify and protect it.



  3.  #3Femininewoman on July 9, 2012 at 6:58 am

    When our words, feelings and thoughts are heard and received, it feels like love at the deepest level of our being.



  4.  #4Starla on July 9, 2012 at 7:28 am

    I feel better on focusing on building loving, happy relationships, instead of “affair-proofing” a relationship. Yikes, how negative. I could never bring myself to believe in cheaters. They’re like Santa Claus to me. I’ve never really dealt with them, except when I was in high school and that’s just growing pains stuff. Sometimes I feel pressure from society and articles to worry that I’m going to get cheated on. I don’t like that very much.



  5.  #5Esteemed on July 9, 2012 at 7:29 am

    Linda!

    Speak of the angel! This woman, Dr. Sheri Meyers, is the woman who Jonathon Aslay fell in love with! A beautiful romance!



  6.  #6Femininewoman on July 9, 2012 at 7:36 am

    5 DETOX DARES
    While on a Detox, here are some ideas to enhance your experience:

    * Clear your cupboards of temptation, and cut out clutter. Clutter in your space is a drain on your energy. Ditch the debris and feel free!

    * Unplug from media and reconnect with Nature. Go for walks in the fresh air and enjoy the regenerative nourishment of silence and rest.

    * Dead Sea Salts, Moore Mud, LL Clay and Magnesium Baths (Epsom Salts) are wonderful additions to your healing detox journey. Adding pure essential oils of Lavender, Rosemary, Sage, Spruce or Lemon is a aromatic special treat that also help detoxification. Light a candle and bathe in a glowing peace and warmth. Even a footbath will work wonders!

    * Let your emotions flow like rain—maybe a sun shower, maybe a torrential downpour. After the storm has passed, you may feel a little drained and dehydrated; drink a green juice with celery and lemon, or a nice ginger or mint tea. Be tender with your heart. Tears are a sacred medicine. Let them fall and they will eventually turn into roses at your feet.

    * Have a place like a special journal (make it a real one, not a computer
    file) where you can write out your intention for your Detox? what you
    want to or don’t want to eat, how you want to feel afterwards, what special practices you may want to try. And most importantly, a place to reflect and dream…

    Activate your radiant health and beauty with a simple Spring cleanse that will make you look and feel so fresh and alive that you glow! Watch this video for 3 more Tips called Glow like a Goddess.



  7.  #7Jessie1000 on July 9, 2012 at 7:48 am

    Hi everyone.
    Oh yuck, I dont feel like a goddess today.

    Sorry, your cheerful Detox Dares FW, was so cheerful that it made me see even more clearly how crabby I am today lol

    My oldest son, 14 is away in NS, so far from me. He wants to come home but he doesnt like my city here and complains all day and is kind of depressed and then bothers me all the time to move home. Sometimes he smokes weed and his friends here are terrible.

    I want him home so bad. Hes been gone like 2 weeks but on the other hand, I am afraid of how he behaves here.

    His dad wants to keep him. His dad is being amazing this summer and I feel so grateful that he took him.
    I am so torn.

    THis son is so worrisome to me and I dont know what to do with him. He refuses to do classes anymore like martial arts or swimming to keep him busy and make new friends… all he wants to do is get footy and skateboard lol

    So much of my life is affected by my kids. My love life is always so last place because I am so busy either running them around or worrying about them when they are not here.

    Its awful.

    Lol.

    Poor me, cause at least they are healthy and beautiful and full of life.

    Nothing worse than being crabby and knowing there is no reason to be crabby.

    At least we are all alive and breathing and trying and coping.

    At least we belong to something.

    At least we have some forms of community to help out when society has let women down so terribly in the past 100 years.

    It used to be kids belonged to a family….parents, grandparents, cousins, uncles, names and bloodlines.

    Now they are who ever claims them and whoever wants to pay the money.

    Kisses everyone’

    I am my own tsunami lol



  8.  #8Femininewoman on July 9, 2012 at 7:49 am

    If you’re holding onto a man – most likely it’s because he’s withdrawing.

    And the weird and terrible thing is that – he’s likely withdrawing because you’re Holding On To him!

    So in order to stop him from withdrawing, you have to stop Holding On.

    And I know that sounds completely counter-intuitive.

    We all want to grab, stop, and hold onto ANYTHING that feels like it’s running away from us. That’s why people end up with all sorts of things they don’t really want at auctions – they just get caught up in not letting something slip away.

    The way to KEEP a man is to Let Go of him.

    This is completely different from Letting HIM go, remember – this is about letting YOURSELF go.

    Think of it this way: You are Letting Go without even CONSIDERING what HE’S doing. You are REFUSING to HOLD ON to anything about this man.

    The truth is – when we’re holding onto a man, it’s us who’re stopped cold. It’s like he’s dragging us along wherever he goes. We’ll follow him even into the pits, because that’s what we’ve all been trained and taught to do our whole lives.

    So it’s not a matter of watching him go off somewhere when he withdraws – it’s not about LETTING him go, it’s about letting go of something – anything – that’s moving away from you, so you can go in your OWN direction – so you can keep doing what you need to do to take care of yourself!

    And what happens when you do that?

    All of a sudden a man turns around and has to be with you.

    All of a sudden you completely lose that aura of clinginess and desperation – and you look CONFIDENT – and that changes everything.

    So –

    >>>I want you to imagine that at this moment, your holding onto a man – his shirt, his leg, his shoulders, his thoughts, his hair, his eyes.

    >>>Now – just Open Your Hands. Let go.

    >>>Now turn around. Focus on something else in front of you.

    Every time you even think about a man who’s not right in front of you or on the phone with you, try this Tool for starters – just Open Your Hands, and let me know what happens…

    Love, Rori



  9.  #9Starla on July 9, 2012 at 8:00 am

    Jessie, a gratitude list always seems to shift me. Although, as a bonafide crabby chick today, this suggestion probably annoys the p*ss out of you
    <3
    (((((((((((((Jessie))))))))))))



  10.  #10Jessie1000 on July 9, 2012 at 8:17 am

    Lol I dont even want to be grateful

    I just want to smoke too many cigarettes and piss off my roommates who are eating food and not doing the dishes.

    I would play tennis but I dont want to have fun.

    Hows that for crabby?

    I want to go to the gym usually so I can be skinny but today I just want to have a beer belly and wear gross track pants and look like a crazy lady.

    I keep playing this stupid song over and over…im addicted lol

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7NupeUDpcrU&feature=BFa&list=PLDA3B6EAFBE61FEF8

    Lol I want this fantasy and I want it forever



  11.  #11Starla on July 9, 2012 at 8:21 am

    Jessie, smoke over the sink of dirty dishes. Put your butts out in the sink. Then tell those roommates that its their turn to do the dishes, haha.

    You have incredible warrior woman energy. I wish we could hang out today and talk sh*t to the stupid things we see on TV.

    And I think that Justin Beiber is indoctrinating people into the New World Order with the imagery in that video. *shifty paranoid Dale Gribble eyes*



  12.  #12lk on July 9, 2012 at 9:01 am

    i want something else. i want another way. actually i just thought of something : ))



  13.  #13lk on July 9, 2012 at 9:03 am

    jessie, i like how you feel. it sounds good & juicy… i wonder what you’ll do with all that energy !!!



  14.  #14Tam on July 9, 2012 at 9:04 am

    401 – FW from previous thread..you’re probably right, but what if I don’t want to speak to him right now….I don’t want to have a brick wall.. 🙁



  15.  #15Femininewoman on July 9, 2012 at 9:08 am

    Ask yourself why you don’t want to speak to him and look deeply inside yourself for the answer. What is the worse that could happen if you speak to him? What is so scary in speaking to someone 1000s of miles away?



  16.  #16lk on July 9, 2012 at 9:09 am

    starla, you sound On Your Horse as well….. : )) ummmmmmmmmm i wonder what kind of territory you are riding through ? I feel curious if it seems rocky & treacherous…. if you are feeling On the Defense…. or if the land seems green & fertile…. if you are feeling Safe & Abundant ? travel on, warrior woman : )) you sound strong : )) i feel curious about what kinds of soft-ness-es you are feeling too….



  17.  #17Tam on July 9, 2012 at 9:10 am

    15. He scares me for some reason. I feel shy and sheepish.



  18.  #18Jessie1000 on July 9, 2012 at 9:12 am

    Starla lol ur so funny.

    My roommates never do the dishes and help themselves to my groceries because they are idiots.

    ANd THEN! when I ask them to do the dishes they just dont do it….omg

    One just went on a drinking binge, paid only 3/4 of the rent, got fired from his job, dumped by his kids mother and denied assistance…lol hes had a bad week. He has no food left and one pay in like a week so he is now mooching my smokes and food.

    He doesnt make me as crabby as the other one, moved in only 4 days, came down last night to the basement…where i sleep and so does my young son, switched on the brightest lights, it was past 12, started freaking out over his missing sock, he washed exactly 2 undershirts, threw my laundry all over the basement looking for his sock, went up and down like 5 times, each time, stomping and switching on the lights…lol and i dont even know the guy….so I have to go put the fear of god in that one the next time I catch him…hes either out or hiding in his room….

    I was stuck all weekend, ruminating, chilling with my younger boy who just came back from his dads, who was super clingy cause he was apart from me almost 2 whole weeks and trying to have some momma baby bonding with him lol….avoiding my crazy neighbor who always wants me to drive her places…her son and my son are school buddies and basically being pissed off cause my little vacation from kids is over and back to the grind lol

    Mother hoood, rarely appreciated and the expenses are so much higher than the pay…lol



  19.  #19Tam on July 9, 2012 at 9:13 am

    ..and it’s kind of normal pattern that he wants to reach out when I have bolted and shut down communication. Perhaps it is also a game that I do not want to play anymore. I can’t tell what but mainly I am sheepish.



  20.  #20Starla on July 9, 2012 at 9:19 am

    hi lk!!!
    mm softness
    the softness of not being afraid to “give” and “love.” I was afraid before. I held back. I was worried about being taken from. Now I give so much to myself that it’s impossible for me to get taken from.

    Like, my best friend’s birthday is today, and I had to cancel my bday dinner at our fav restaurant last year because I had a deadline to deal with. And no one ever made it up to me to reschedule it and my birthday went uncelebrated entirely. But I don’t feel at all like I shouldn’t be showering her with food and gifts today. I might have “kept score” in the past, but it doesn’t occur to me to do that now. A birthday is just one day, and she is my best friend for a reason in that she is always open and giving to me. I hope that makes sense.

    Things feel super abundant and green and fertile. It helps that it’s raining now!! And when I drop my gaze to other people and their energies outside of myself, then I feel defensive and rocky. I have this creeping suspicion about the “hater” phenomenon, ie the natural reaction for people to try to find fault with the very good things you do for yourself or possibilities you believe in. I think the message here is to keep my gaze focused inward and/or on the horizon, because otherwise it’s like I’m chasing trolls in the moat and falling off my bridge.

    thank you for asking:)



  21.  #21April Rose on July 9, 2012 at 9:23 am

    CurvySiren,

    Many thanks for your response to my dilemma in the previous posting.

    Thank you for the reminder that I can CREATE my life, my work, my love situation.

    I can fashion a funky modern marriage that fits all my needs and supports my happiness and more and more creativity.

    🙂



  22.  #22April Rose on July 9, 2012 at 9:24 am

    I intend to have my authentic wishes honoured.



  23.  #23Femininewoman on July 9, 2012 at 9:25 am

    Then Tam do the opposite. Change the pattern.



  24.  #24Femininewoman on July 9, 2012 at 9:29 am

    Tam it is like a child. Saying “I want I want”, wanting a new toy. But as soon as he gets it becomes bored with it. To face ourselves, we face others. Intimacy is scary and unnatural but do it anyway. Talk where you nornally wouldn’t talk.

    The reistance you are putting up feels masculine.



  25.  #25Starla on July 9, 2012 at 9:33 am

    and also the softness of not being afraid to receive, either. I notice a lot more people are generously giving to me, and it’s like “no big deal” and I don’t feel as triggered.



  26.  #26Femininewoman on July 9, 2012 at 9:34 am

    “No kidding – you may THINK you want love, but you may not BELIEVE it’s a good idea.

    You may have a belief that it’s better to be single… or that all men are bad… or that relationships are too painful.

    Maybe your parents weren’t happy and so they unwittingly taught you that relationships won’t make you happy, either.

    So you go through life, proving yourself right again and again and again…

    The confusing thing is that beliefs are SUBCONSCIOUS – so we don’t actually always know what we REALLY believe.

    You may THINK you want love, but you may not believe in it. And then you won’t get it. At least not for long.

    Your subconscious beliefs are far more powerful than your conscious ones… ”

    Carol Allen



  27.  #27April Rose on July 9, 2012 at 9:36 am

    FW,

    What does Carol suggest we do about these subconscious beliefs?



  28.  #28Tam on July 9, 2012 at 9:39 am

    24 FW thanks, will try it..



  29.  #29Femininewoman on July 9, 2012 at 9:43 am

    April Rose – work on changing them.

    “The good news? You can change your beliefs, and CHOOSE to believe that love is good. You can get your subconscious mind to want the same thing your conscious mind wants, and voila – you’ll get it at last. And you won’t push it away, or mess it up.

    I’ve been recommending that clients reprogram their beliefs for years… and have seen them do so with miraculous results. So I’m really excited because this month I interviewed a woman whose life work is this very thing – helping people change their subconscious beliefs about love so they can create the love they long for and deserve… quickly and easily.

    She was able to do this herself after virtually no love life for 41 years, and has created a career helping women do the same ever since. Her name is Debra Berndt, and she’s a certified hypnotist, love coach, and bestselling author of the book “Let Love In.” And her stories will amaze you (they did me!). ”

    I also remember a recent post from Rori about working on your subconscious to bring love in.



  30.  #30Tam on July 9, 2012 at 9:43 am

    ..I did do the no friends thing and did say that no contact was for the best. I should have known that would egg him on….it’s not really what I wanted to do though.



  31.  #31Femininewoman on July 9, 2012 at 9:46 am

    Tam I believe it would egg most men on. Because they want relationships. They want women who can feel. They want to connect emotionally with a woman. They want a woman who will want to accept them.



  32.  #32Tam on July 9, 2012 at 9:49 am

    ok then, let’s see if he is still there…



  33.  #33Smile on July 9, 2012 at 9:50 am

    (((tam))) have you opened the email yet. Sending support your way to do this when your comfortable. You do sound anxious trying to guess what’s in it… Maybe opening it would actually reduce your anxiety?



  34.  #34Femininewoman on July 9, 2012 at 9:51 am

    Christy Whitman

    Hi ,

    When you look in the mirror, do you focus on what is wrong or needs to be fixed/lifted/lowered/ stretched/ tucked, etc.? Or do you automatically look for what is right and good?

    Children automatically do this until we train them to look for only the wrong or bad. Alex was watching TV, and he kept looking at all the things or people he liked. He would say, “I like her. She is beautiful.”

    As you start looking at what is right and good in your life, it raises your vibration and determines what you magnetize into your life.”



  35.  #35Tam on July 9, 2012 at 10:04 am

    33..thank you Smile…I have not read the email yet but he has ‘pinged’ me on chat an hour ago and I just replied (but suspect he hsn’t seen it yet or got angry that I did not reply straight away…so he hasn’t answered again).
    Normally when he has an urgency about him, it entails some practical advice for me on how to get out of my situation…I know him pretty well and that is usually what he does. He likes to work things out, help, scheme (for all his friends not just me, but me in particular).
    He is also testing whether I stick to my guns by limiting contact etc. He is testing me out. It feels like he has been testing me out for trustworthiness also since day one. Pfff.



  36.  #36Smile on July 9, 2012 at 10:13 am

    Tam, oh my you have strength! I so would have had to open it. But that’s just me. Will he be able to tell if you open it?



  37.  #37Tam on July 9, 2012 at 10:22 am

    36…Smile, I feel like the compliment is undeserved as it’s not strength, it’s cowardice….not opening the mail. I just tried to block everything out since yesterday.. as I did not want to get drawn into it all again, and also this attempt to chat just now…but FW has suggested I’d stay open and see what happens and it is challenging me and I like the challenge actually. Plus I do not want to be a brick wall of resistance…. 😉
    He still has not answered, could be he has not seen it, he’s been online since 4am his time, not sure if he tried to catch me earlier…we will see. If he does not want to talk anymore it will be a relief to me, actually.



  38.  #38siren song on July 9, 2012 at 10:24 am

    day 25 leaning back..(i think). i am losing count. i miss being close to a man, but i am glad i have this time i learn to deal with my feelings.



  39.  #39Femininewoman on July 9, 2012 at 10:25 am

    Tam it might be your default position for defending yourself. “What you don’t know can’t hurt you”, so you shut down and avoid – flight or freeze.



  40.  #40Smile on July 9, 2012 at 10:25 am

    Wouldn’t you want to know what he had written/replied in the email before you chatted so you knew what his stance was on things?



  41.  #41Femininewoman on July 9, 2012 at 10:27 am

    Tam if he responds you might be able to see what he is capable of. Also if he has changed or at least thought about what you said you wanted.



  42.  #42Femininewoman on July 9, 2012 at 10:28 am

    Smile in staying in her body and focussing of herself I am not even sure that his stance matters.



  43.  #43CurvySiren10 on July 9, 2012 at 10:29 am

    21 April Rose~ “I can fashion a funky modern marriage that fits all my needs and supports my happiness and more and more creativity.”

    Abso-freaking-lutely!!! 🙂

    I want to do the same…



  44.  #44Tam on July 9, 2012 at 10:39 am

    39/41 FW – you hit the nail on the head. I am flight or fight, and usually flight. That is what I need to work on. I need to face the music.
    As a child I was taught to sit in a corner and be quiet. Also my parents fought constantly before they divorced and I remember shutting myself into my room, closing my eyes and my ears (with my hands). I suspect it’s my default. Ignoring what’s there.

    I believe he had a purpose for wanting to speak to me (practical) and I do not think he would bring up anything to do with being friends/relationship/feelings – he is not that kind of man. He acts. I would be interested to see what he is capable of, I have seen him change a great deal. I have been surprised but it is still a long way off. He knows. He will change if he wants to.



  45.  #45Tam on July 9, 2012 at 10:41 am

    40 – Smile…no, it does not matter, as far as I am concerned the ‘here and now’ supersedes the past. I can tell him that I felt too sheepish to read his email if he is surprised. I don’t mind telling him the truth.



  46.  #46Tam on July 9, 2012 at 11:08 am

    Ok so he responded and I was right, it’s idle chit chat plus practical advice…. Ok, it is nice but I am kinda drained by it. It’s always the same and he is now chirpy because I answered. So just a test ‘is she still there?!’.
    Hrmpf.



  47.  #47Tam on July 9, 2012 at 11:12 am

    Oh my. He has changed. He is taking baby steps (this is a big deal)….haha. Normally he would say ‘gotta go’ . Now he said ‘need to run but I will be back’.
    I find that cute, almost like he is worried I will poof. That’s so unlike him..I feel appreciated!!



  48.  #48lk on July 9, 2012 at 11:56 am

    starla, i notice that……. it’s funny that sometimes the people who “care” most about “Me” are the people who want to keep me “safe” from my own fantastic Dreams : ))) & so all the “trolls” are just keeping me on course, reminding me the “battle” i’m fighting is for my life in my direction : ) ………….. also, practicing seeing the “attacks” as non-attacks, as i am invulnerable ; ) lol : )



  49.  #49Femininewoman on July 9, 2012 at 12:04 pm

    Tam – “I “feel” kinda drained”. I would bet my bottom dollar that you missed some opportunities to share feeling messages with him so he goes to everyday chit chat naturally. Try using more fms, even when it does not feel natural to you, and see what happens.



  50.  #50Femininewoman on July 9, 2012 at 12:07 pm

    So just a test ‘is she still there?!

    Tell yourself a better story “I am the air he needs to breathe”. Because you are fabulous and he can’t help himself.



  51.  #51Brandylion on July 9, 2012 at 12:19 pm

    FW, from the last thread:

    I hear that you are trying to help me grow, I really do.

    But I don’t see the point in looking at how I screwed up the energy exchange between me and PriestCD. It’s too late for me go back and do it differently and fix it, and to repair the relationship. He dumped me. It’s over, it’s been over, and I’m stuck.

    He didn’t love me, and he was unhappy being with me, and he never even told me what was going on with him so I would know that the way I was being with him wasn’t working. All he ever did was treat me more like a friend that he would make out with and sleep in the same bed with instead of *a girlfriend*, *someone important to him*, and I was too hormonally attached to see that he was withdrawing, especially when he said that he wanted to marry someone who’s a friend.



  52.  #52lk on July 9, 2012 at 12:27 pm

    brandylion, when i find places where i was acting “Masculine” in my relationship, i usually feel really amazing when i get Curious, dig deep, & try to find my Authentic Feminine response to the same situation…

    an example:

    i got home, feeling so tired & bedraggled & unattractive & small………

    got in the door & my Man asked me to do something (something small – open a door for him i think?) & i felt SO ANGRY. i felt Defensive, Explain-y, & like i needed to “grab the reins” & control-control-control everything…..

    instead of getting short & snippy & bossy, though….

    what i really really “felt” like doing is just saying, “awww baby i feel so so tired…. i feel like you asking anything of me right now is asking too much…. i just feel empty right this second” & then i probably could have still opened the door or whatever & then i would have gotten a million kisses & suggestions of nice things He could do for me to help.

    getting “mad” just gets me my own regret : ) lol

    getting “curious” & gentle & expressing myself gets me mountains of love & help : )



  53.  #53Tam on July 9, 2012 at 12:31 pm

    FW thank you! I feel better!!



  54.  #54Smile on July 9, 2012 at 12:33 pm

    Woop sirens I feel energised! I went to zumba. Had such a good giggle. I’m even trying to be more feminine in my sports. Normally I go to spin which I associate as masculine. Although I missed the opportunity to smile at guys I love having a giggle with my girlfriends! Mucho fun!!



  55.  #55Smile on July 9, 2012 at 12:35 pm

    Tam/FW

    I love this – “I am the air he needs to breathe”



  56.  #56Smile on July 9, 2012 at 12:37 pm

    Tam, how do you feel about him? Are you wanting him to step up?



  57.  #57Tam on July 9, 2012 at 12:39 pm

    FW he’d still go into chit chat also with feeling messages, it just means he’ll talk more. He has a hard time expressing anything verbally…and he can’t show affection either…but he has other ways. And I suspect he is drawn to me because I accept him as he is.



  58.  #58Brandylion on July 9, 2012 at 12:46 pm

    This feels awful. The more I reflect, the more I see how effing masculinely I behaved in my last relationship, and I see how awful it must have felt for him to be so emasculated by me. I am a failure at being feminine, plain and simple.



  59.  #59Brandylion on July 9, 2012 at 12:48 pm

    It’s torturous, because all I want to do is go back into masculine energy mode and fix it and have the chance to do it over and do it right.



  60.  #60Tam on July 9, 2012 at 12:53 pm

    56 Smile, I have given up on him romantically.
    And I am sad about that. I guess you know the story, that he managed to woo me back from a bf that I was about to marry (for wrong reasons so it was ok, still). He already stepped up and then got scared and things went from “I want a relationship with you’ (while I was still with the other guy), to ‘I want to be fwb with you” (while I was single again, I declined this), and then to ‘let’s be platonic friends’ as I left his neck of the woods.
    So I felt bitter and sad because we have been doing this for 2 years now, and he is still back on dating websites looking for his ideal model type woman or whatever. So I gave up…but he won’t let me go.
    And yes, I do feel loved by him but it is a weird scenario. That’s why I wanted to move on but we are best of friends too…I guess I just don’t know what to do and of course I always hope he steps up….but I do not believe in it anymore…and I try to date other people, well I always have. He could always claw me back, which was also not a good scenario…



  61.  #61Tam on July 9, 2012 at 12:58 pm

    …and yes, now we have it again – he is relieved that he has me back in contact and he is gone silent…came back online but makes no contact. He is quite content just to know he still has a hold on me, and that makes me feel like nothing will ever change and that perhaps saying ‘no’ to contact was the best thing.
    So I will go back to that now. Leaning back 100%.



  62.  #62Brandylion on July 9, 2012 at 12:58 pm

    And the guy isn’t even treating me like a friend anymore. He’s taking a No Contact approach with me, apparently, for all his talk in the month of May about still wanting to be friends with me.

    I have realized in the last week that ever since he called me on May 5 for the first time since dumping me March 18, I have done all of the initiating of contact to sustain the friendship. And it feels fu(king awful.

    Well, he did post happy birthday on my Facebook wall. That’s the only contact he’s stepped up for in the last two months. And he did all the calling in our dating relationship, so he has to know that I don’t feel good reaching out to him…no, he doesn’t have to know that I don’t feel good initiating contact, because I haven’t expressed to him since the start of the “friends-only” phase of our relationship that I still don’t feel good initiating, and I’m sending a mixed signal by doing the initiating.

    He said in early June in one of our last conversations that he’s never tried being friends with an ex-girlfriend before. I pointed out that I saw him get texts from the girl he dated when he was in Ireland for a semester in college, but I’d never seen him initiate contact with her. He said that he had realized that was true, and that his lack of initiation had, in fact, strained that friendship.



  63.  #63Smile on July 9, 2012 at 1:02 pm

    Tam- I can relate to your story in so many ways. Eventually it just gets wearing 🙁 I guess you justhave to keep going with roris tools until to just eventually get to the point where you just don’t respond one day as your ready to move on…or you meet someone who can step up in the meantime…



  64.  #64Smile on July 9, 2012 at 1:04 pm

    Tam- leaning back being the main tool I would be following here too. ((tam leaning back))



  65.  #65lk on July 9, 2012 at 1:07 pm

    brandylion, if you’re fixating on how much “Masculine” energy you perceive as being part of you, maybe you could channel your feminine energies to help you Appreciate your masculine, instead of shaming those energies…. those energies are amazing ! you can take care of yourself & you are so so strong : ) wow i bet there are a million ways your “Masculine” helps your “Feminine” every day…. : ) & also perhaps you can find ways to “seduce” your male energy into a quiet space…. or give yourself permission to do a task that you normally do in “Male” energy in a “Female” energy & pay special attention to how different the task feels….

    i remember that i noticed that i was doing my weekend errands (normally fun-ish things…. picking up a mascara or a new dress… visiting my family)… in super-masculine energies…. so i played with it! I experimented doing it, timing myself, wearing Boy clothes (slacks, collared shirt, hair pulled into a tight bun, no makeup) & then the next day, going out again in “feminine” energy…. just…. dressing all sparkly….. wearing earrings & lipstick….. picking up flowers for myself….. sitting down with a glass of sparkling wine, listening to bubble gum spanish pop music, drawing pictures of the flowers i bought…… & then when you notice yourself going into “do-things, problem-solver” mode, you can choose to thank your masculine energy for taking such good care of you, or sending him back to his man-cave & letting the little girl play : )



  66.  #66Tam on July 9, 2012 at 1:10 pm

    63 Smile, yes, I just don’t like it when it starts to feel like a game, a competition, you know?

    I always find someone else to step up…and he will always come back and try to get me back.

    I wish in some ways the painful thing would happen and he would start to date someone else (in two years he had nobody and I had plenty of dates and a couple of longer exclusive guys also). He was so proud of himself when he told me he didn’t have sex with anyone only me – and it was a rare occasion, believe me. A handful of times over 2 years. He asked me whether I had and of course I said nothing because yes!!! And he was pretty crushed when I stayed silent. But he is a grown man and he knows that for me to be with him, he needs to make me his girlfriend – and that just scares him, all that is expected with it etc. But that is not my problem, I love him to bits but not enough to feel insecure as a fwb for him. No no no.
    It’s a toughie and I can’t hope for a 50 year old man to change….and he has plenty of options, he is very attractive and personable. So he never had to change and he never had real intimacy, I gathered that much….he kinda told me as much.
    So why would he feel safe to do it now.
    Sorry, rambling now.



  67.  #67Femininewoman on July 9, 2012 at 1:15 pm

    Tam how do you know for sure “he is relieved that he has me back in contact and he is gone silent…came back online but makes no contact”. He might have just gone back to what he wants to do at the moment. That might have nothing to do with you.

    In my humble opinion leaning back makes no sense if you have a specific question to and you have energetically let the relationship go. Some women have to continue working with exes after relationship ends. Then they have to work on being RockStars. Running away doesn’t solve anything and if in your case it was obviously then you would not have the opportunity to challenge your comfort zone and learn something about yourself. The experience triggered you and it is the triggering you want to help you grow your comfort zone.



  68.  #68Tam on July 9, 2012 at 1:17 pm

    67 now you’ve got me lost. What should I do in your opinion?



  69.  #69Femininewoman on July 9, 2012 at 1:21 pm

    Tam you are making up stories. I suggest you stop.

    When he contacts you I believe it is best to respond. I would not initiate. He might be trying to live in the present moment. Unfortunately you seem to be stuck in the past with the story of what happened. That story is best dropped so you can focus on what’s coming at you in the present. Is my humble opinion.



  70.  #70Femininewoman on July 9, 2012 at 1:23 pm

    If other guys step up “treat them all equally” until someone offers you the relationship you want. This includes Mr. U.



  71.  #71Smile on July 9, 2012 at 1:30 pm

    Femininewoman- are you Rori in disguise lol. You speak such wise words!



  72.  #72Tam on July 9, 2012 at 1:30 pm

    Amen to that. I kind of had gotten to that point and then it all fell overboard again…back on the horse.
    Thank you 🙂



  73.  #73Femininewoman on July 9, 2012 at 1:32 pm

    No Smile. I have learned a lot. I have several interviews with Rori and other coaches. I also have Reconnect your Relationship that I have listened to hundreds of times. In addition I read a lot around the blog.

    “Feeling Messages:
    My essential Tool for speaking with a man so he can really hear you – in the format “I feel…” or “I’m feeling…” or “It felt…” or “It feels…” or “It would feel…” Feeling Messages automatically, in baby-steps, help you be more authenic, vulnerable, open, and in touch with and more comfortable with yourself.”



  74.  #74Femininewoman on July 9, 2012 at 1:34 pm

    “The Stance:
    Defensive way of being with a man.
    Protecting yourself instead of opening to him.
    A specific, most common way of speaking to and behaving with a man from your Masculine Energy that’s considered “normal” in the world.”



  75.  #75Tam on July 9, 2012 at 1:36 pm

    71 – totally agree. Moreover, I sense a very strong woman mentally….I wish I knew what she looked like 🙂



  76.  #76Femininewoman on July 9, 2012 at 1:40 pm

    “Outgirling:
    If your man demonstrates primarily Feminine energy in his life and your relationship, it will automatically compel you to step up into your Masculine Energy – in order to balance the Energy Exchange and to get things done. Outgirling is reversing that. It’s going “full-out Girl” inside the relationship. This can look like doing nothing, and may result in nothing happening at all in your relationship except sitting around like two girls. It’s the only way to right a seriously unbalanced Energy Exchange”



  77.  #77Femininewoman on July 9, 2012 at 1:41 pm

    🙂



  78.  #78Linda on July 9, 2012 at 1:44 pm

    #31. Where are these men? Really? FW where are they. I have not run into one yet.

    ——-
    I watched a movie with Antonio Banderes yesterday. I kept pointing to the TV screen and saying outloud… “I want one of those” ! Is the visualizing or lusting? hmmmm maybe both.

    ———

    ——–
    In my last relationship.. I had all these tools. I used them… I could even outgirl him. Nothing changed though and nothing got done either. Still I kept trying.

    In my last relationship, no matter what I did, he was just closed up. He was with me everyday but was cold as a stone. I wanted to snuggle. I wanted romance and sex be playful…. the whole thing. Be light of heart…. I wanted to be best friends and his sanctuary and he mine. He said he wanted all those thing…. Just not with me… I guess just not with me. THis is what I dont understand. Why not? He is the one that would not leave me alone when I walked away from him and told him I did not want him in my life. He said he loved me, acted like it for a while…. then he was cold as a stone.

    You cant make someone love you when they dont. It doesnt matter how good , open, caring, giving, tool savy and leaned back you are. We were very very compatible in just about every way… but I was not “THE ONE” . He would hardley ever engage in eye contact with me. It made me uneasy and felt some underlying agenda always. I dont even believe in a such thing as “the one”.!!

    If he was going to do this why in the h#ll did he even bother me again..after I cut it off with him and walked away? I dont understand it at all.

    I got so much yuck in me. I am sorry to be so negative… I just hurt and was rejected for reasons that will never ever make any sense to me. It makes me crazy.

    Maybe when I get all this out of me… I will feel saine… Right now I dont. I cant seem to shift anything in my brain or life now and I desperately need to.Tapping doesnt work…. I am doing other things.. but when I lay down at night and when I leave work. This stuff in my brain and my feeling overwhelm me.

    I dont want to repeat this in my life. If I could understand it it would help me not make the same mistakes again.

    Toxic man… made me toxic inside.



  79.  #79Tam on July 9, 2012 at 1:46 pm

    Thank you FW and Smile for your comments and letting me unravel my heart here, I feel like I enjoyed the conversation with you two much more than the one with MrU tonight (which was pretty good in the end too, he picked up the ball again several times)….I feel so happy now and what a change from the start of the day. Thank you so much 🙂
    I love this safe haven.



  80.  #80Smile on July 9, 2012 at 1:47 pm

    I would like to have more of roris work and will do very soon. I’m rebuilding my finances after being left to support myself to pay for the house alone. Next month I get to save! Roris program will be my first purchase!

    Having said that. I’ve had little time to spend re reading the ebook. I started the other night but never had chance to pick it up again = I’ve been filling my life up with exciting times, I’m exhausted but I’ve never been busier. I guess I’m working on myself by doing this.

    I’m making a promise to myself though to incest mire time in reading.

    I



  81.  #81Smile on July 9, 2012 at 1:50 pm

    Tam- I have enjoyed the conversation with you and FW too. It also relates so much to my own situation. It’s nice to learn from each other.

    ((tam)) ((FW))



  82.  #82Smile on July 9, 2012 at 2:01 pm

    69- I too am stuck on the story of the past 🙁 I’ve learnt a lot from this. I’ve tried not to be too far in the future but I forgot to get myself out of the past. From now on I promise myself to be in the present.



  83.  #83Femininewoman on July 9, 2012 at 2:02 pm

    Linda I have not been focussed on your posts because they mostly feel negative. My personal sense is that you are not yet in a place for anything to sink in because of where your focus is. I realize you are hurting and I apologize if I add to it in any way but to be able to see the men our eyes, energy, vibe have to be open. I get a sense that you are mostly closed.

    Maybe if you wish for things to change it might help to look for a commitment that you could possibly wholeheartedly make to yourself.



  84.  #84Smile on July 9, 2012 at 2:05 pm

    ((Linda))you sound like your stuck in your story of the past.



  85.  #85Femininewoman on July 9, 2012 at 2:06 pm

    “– Resentment and anger are directly proportionate to the energy you’re putting out to a man (even thinking about him), especially when the energy you’re getting is not at LEAST EQUAL to what you’re putting out (and it really needs to be WAY MORE). After you put the Tools to work, you’ll get clarity about when to drop him out of your “rotation.” Love, Rori



  86.  #86Femininewoman on July 9, 2012 at 2:09 pm

    “Rori Raye says:
    Autumn – Welcome, and so glad to have you here. This is what I’d recommend: 1. EFT (Tapping) – you can google it and find videos to tap along with online. 2. Go to http://www.loveeris.com for Eris Huemer and read what she’s got and get her book – she’s all about heartache. 3. A spiritual journey – this means find a New Age church in your town, read books like “Ask And It Is Given” and Jacob Glass’s “Crabby Angels Chronicle” and Ernest Holmes “This Thing Called You” and many more, and use my Tools for being present, to listening to everything that’s around you. 4. Move your body – find a “Sweat My Prayers” Ecstatic Dance place near you – VERY helpful. 5. Get a coach: Virginia Clark http://www.itsnevertoolatetomarry.com is my first recommendation because, on top of being an amazing coach, she’s a great hypnotherapist and does Guided Imagery, which actually gets straight into your subconscious and get you some FAST change”. Love, Rori



  87.  #87Tam on July 9, 2012 at 2:09 pm

    Aw Smile, I am in a similar way regarding finances and wanting to buy more of Rori’s work…I have the ebook but is there anyone who can suggest a good next point of focus?
    I do not have much money to spend so it would be helpful to know which bit has helped people most, I was thinking of the commitment blueprint…?? Or what do you suggest?



  88.  #88Femininewoman on July 9, 2012 at 2:11 pm

    Rori Raye says:
    Autumn – Welcome, and so glad to have you here. This is what I’d recommend: 1. EFT (Tapping) – you can google it and find videos to tap along with online. 2. Go to http://www.loveeris.com for Eris Huemer and read what she’s got and get her book – she’s all about heartache. 3. A spiritual journey – this means find a New Age church in your town, read books like “Ask And It Is Given” and Jacob Glass’s “Crabby Angels Chronicle” and Ernest Holmes “This Thing Called You” and many more, and use my Tools for being present, to listening to everything that’s around you. 4. Move your body – find a “Sweat My Prayers” Ecstatic Dance place near you – VERY helpful. 5. Get a coach: Virginia Clark is my first recommendation because, on top of being an amazing coach, she’s a great hypnotherapist and does Guided Imagery, which actually gets straight into your subconscious and get you some FAST change”. Love, Rori



  89.  #89Rebecca on July 9, 2012 at 2:12 pm

    Linda

    Do you go to any meet up groups or social groups?

    I am in a pretty simillar situation to you, and most days are pretty hard for me but I do get happiness from getting out and about and meeting new people.



  90.  #90Femininewoman on July 9, 2012 at 2:17 pm

    Linda I truly feel like crying when I read your comments.



  91.  #91Smile on July 9, 2012 at 2:21 pm

    I feel I’ve done most working being a modern siren and scripting from help here on the blog, even though I havdnt purchased these. Hmm… I think I need to read more about each one to decide. I too am wondering which sirens have found the most beneficial and helpful, although I’m sure they all are…



  92.  #92Rebecca on July 9, 2012 at 2:25 pm

    Linda

    Also personally, and this may go against what other sirens think I do think that you should be able to handle the end of your relationship anyway you want. We are not here to judge. Afterall it is grief that you are feeling. Even if your relationship wasn’t perfect you are still allowed to feel grief. You are human, you feel. There is not a time limit to getting ovwr things and the more you try and force it to please others the more you will suppress your true feelings. In my opinion you are allowed to feel anger, you are allowed to feel pain cus that’s what you feel. In my opinion it is just feelings – good or bad – just feelings.

    We all handle things differently, because we all experience thibgs differently. No two people feel alike, thank god! We can have extremes – there are super, super sensitive people right through to sociopaths who feel nothing at all.

    We are all different, we all handle things differently. No one knows the answers, its all feeling our way and guess work.



  93.  #93Femininewoman on July 9, 2012 at 2:25 pm

    The overwhelming conscensus seems to be Commitment Blueprint whenever that question came up in the past.



  94.  #94Tam on July 9, 2012 at 2:35 pm

    92 Thank you for the suggestion,,, I need to save now 🙂



  95.  #95Emerson on July 9, 2012 at 2:36 pm

    By no means do I mean any disrespect to Rori’s guest author, but hmm reading this article felt unremarkable. The seven points seemed a little bit obvious and cliche and mainstream compared to the insights that Rori and other coaches provide which include unique tools for coping with difficult issues. This article just basically says if you are not communicating you’re screwed. That’s big news?? Sorry but blahh.



  96.  #96Emerson on July 9, 2012 at 2:38 pm

    Also asking the question “are you immune from an affair” ….I don’t think anyone is immune from an affair. Well I guess the point is to get people talking about it, and I’m talking about it so maybe it’s serving a purpose.

    I feel tired of thinking about affairs and wanting to be “immune” from them feels tiring, impossible, defeating, exhausting.



  97.  #97goldenflower on July 9, 2012 at 3:01 pm

    78: Linda says :
    We were very very compatible in just about every way… but I was not “THE ONE” . He would hardley ever engage in eye contact with me. It made me uneasy and felt some underlying agenda always. I dont even believe in a such thing as “the one”.!!

    Hi Linda, I am sorry you are not having a good day at all. I disagree that you were compatible at all, from prev posts you have mentioned he was not affectionate and was cruel to you at times. NOT compatible! I think I can relate to what you are going through and it can be a very long process to get through. I have the type of brain that constantly searches for meaning and detail in past events, post match analysis. In my most tense states I can go over and over what happened and wish i had tried x, y and z instead. I have done this with events i put on, daytrips i organised, but especially with men that hurt me. It never helps and it never changes what happened either. Because the past is DONE. It helps to process and come to terms with what went wrong and what you are self realsing but then can get hard to get out of the cycle.
    It is sometimes hard to stop going over and over it to find some sense in it, sometimes we try and re-write history, but the man stays the same toxic man. There is no understanding that, no fixing that if the man does not change for himself.
    In this way I feel we have an advantage as we can re-write the meaning of it, and make it a positive like… thank god i no longer have to put my energy into toxic man.
    Yes, I seem to be writing in a teacherly way here again, as Rori pointed out, i think the penny will drop at some point for me to write in feeling speak. Meanwhile I will do my best.
    I feel for you Linda, I feel like I relate to how you are going through this.
    Have you tried Bach flower remedies? There is one called white chestnut for repeated thoughts that circle. Or ones for depressed states of all kinds too. I take a blend I got from a health food store, for optimism. I think that for you to keep trying to make sense of this toxic man is not helping you any more, he is and was toxic, let him deal with his own issues , he was always unable to deal with relationship all by himself so let him continue to follow his own path.
    You seem to wish it was all different a lot, to rewrite the past, I do this so much too. But you cannot make it/wish it different becasue he IS TOXIC. I feel from what you have explained in your posts that this is the long and short of the situation.
    I have felt from my own experience that it got to a point when it is good to accept that you did your best at the time and love that part of you. Love the part that survived the pain and coldness and toxic dynamic, love the part that got yourself away from that, that got yourself armed with new tools and ways of growing and healing you. Love that part and expand that love into more of you so it keeps growing like an expanding beam of light. You deserve that inner sunshine, expect to feel it and you will feel it.

    I repeat to myself every day when the thoughts of the past arise, I repeat we will be OK, I am awesome, I am my own best friend, i love you, and i hold my own heart and feel it beat for myself (Rori’s tool). Whatever it is that works for you to say, repeat it as much as you can. I didnt beleive myself at first but it is sinking in now.
    Let the weight go. Look for new ways to love yourself, some you may not have even heard of yet. Many blessings Linda.



  98.  #98Daria on July 9, 2012 at 3:14 pm

    Brandylion – the reason I asked about your boobs showing – seems you’re triggered about the size of your breast… Sorry I didn’t realize that –

    Is I’ve heard Rori ask women to show cleavage and the top of their boons in the online pictures

    It’s not about men liking you just for boobs, it’s about you feeling comfortable with looking sexy and everything that goes along with that.

    Men are attracted to our bodies and sexyness and it’s a sexual thing , a get hard thing for them. Rori says even if hes attracted emotionally its still about getting hard thats how their attraction is in their bodies. and it doesn’t mean that sex is all they’re attracted to at all.



  99.  #99Jasmine on July 9, 2012 at 3:17 pm

    Ohh Sirens,

    I want a man like Chris Hemsworth (Thor). He is so damn HOT!!!



  100.  #100Emerson on July 9, 2012 at 3:24 pm

    (((Brandylion)))

    I can identify with a lot of what you express how you feel….

    When reading your earlier posts about how finding love and the right man is for everyone else but not for “me”…I have those thoughts all the time but deep down I know it’s not true and I have to reach really deep down and find that piece of me that has always know I am capable of giving and receiving love…I even have to nicely yell at myself “Emerson!!!!!” To get myself’s attention LOL…

    But i’m sending you hugs because it’s a painful moment when in the soup of the (false) belief that love is for others but not meant for me…it’s been a conscious task to flip flip flip flip till it goes away. I even cried a lot yesterday having this thought in my head over and over like “I’m doomed” when I KNOW deep down it is NOT TRUE.



  101.  #101Simply Goddess on July 9, 2012 at 3:25 pm

    Just dropping by to say “Hi” 🙂

    Hope you are all well xxx



  102.  #102goldenflower on July 9, 2012 at 3:30 pm

    As an amazing success story for myself I would like to share what happened on saturday night. I was at a gig with friends, and i noticed the epic toxic man was there, the friend i fell in love with/ limerence who i had an obsession with for 8 years!!! The one who I nearly considerd suiceide in order to get away from the pain, that one. The one i cut off all contact with last August, after knwoing him for 9 years.
    He was at the gig, and i was not that bothered. i wasnt in any way aware of his every move as i used to be so many times in the past. afew months ago i saw him at a gig, i had expected to see him, it was hard but i said hello and then walked away. I did this as i had said i wd be civil in public but wd not engage, and because we have many mutual friends.
    Which would be why he came over and said “hello” to me on saturday. I said hello, then laughed then moved away and watched the bands and got on with my night. It featured so little on my mind since that i nearly forgot about it till i read some other stuff about toxic men. Now that is what i call success in getting over smeone. I was absolutely at my wits end about this man for an intense year of torture. After i cut contact i never looked back, i let myself free from the pain. It is not about him at all, it was about how i was continuing to beat myself up about him and my own worthiness, self esteem, addiction to chemistry, and many more Dad issues besides.

    So so happy to be free of this, so much more than i ever thought possible. I know with 100% certainty that if he turned up on my door and said, you are gith, you are my soulmate. I would laugh and send him to get some therapy. I would never accept him again. Now if i can turn this around then anyone else can too.
    So good to know this. I have so much more self respect than i used to, there is still a way to go. But i have moved on.
    I feel content in this. I feel authentic, glimpses of new ways, i feel light. (((((((((me))))))))))))



  103.  #103Emerson on July 9, 2012 at 3:32 pm

    97 Daria and Brandylion
    I agree and I like “showing” my boobs in pictures. Sometimes I send pics to the guys I meet online that show no cleavage at all but I’m wearing a tight shirt or sweater that clearly shows my shape & with my hair down and styled all flowy 🙂

    Daria you have me intrigued talking about the glamour shots…I used to think they were silly but lately I really want to look into getting those done!!!



  104.  #104Daria on July 9, 2012 at 3:34 pm

    Jessie – have you looked into peaceful parenting and mindful parenting? Googling those taught me mucho about how I would’ve liked to be raised.

    The expenses are so much more than pay – ice seen how complaining about kids or parenting drags us down and adding reinforcing patterns of frustration. Jokes like this feel fun to recite and they have strong effects on our subconscious. It’s like entering in a negative belief .



  105.  #105Daria on July 9, 2012 at 3:37 pm

    Yay golden flower that sounds amazing



  106.  #106goldenflower on July 9, 2012 at 3:38 pm

    hah, i wrote “you are gith” was supposed to type “you are right” . How funny. Sorry, type too fast and sometimes think may have slight dsylexia, just a little. I’m very visual in other ways. xx



  107.  #107Jasmine on July 9, 2012 at 3:39 pm

    My posts aren’t showing! This is so weird.



  108.  #108goldenflower on July 9, 2012 at 3:44 pm

    104: Daria says:
    Yay golden flower that sounds amazing

    Thanyou Daria, and goodnight all sirens. Its late here in lovely Scotland. xx



  109.  #109siren song on July 9, 2012 at 3:44 pm

    i don’t know what it is todasy but i feel SO SAD. i really miss him today. it feels like a twisty knife in my stomach.

    i miss sleeping with him. i feel sad that he’s with someone else. maybe i was too demanding and i pushed him away.

    but he was so angry and raging and there was a lot of bad behaviour.

    i feel so confused. (me)



  110.  #110siren song on July 9, 2012 at 3:47 pm

    i feel a little better now.

    but a little sadness in my chest.

    i’m sending some love to my heart.



  111.  #111Emerson on July 9, 2012 at 3:50 pm

    (((Siren song)))



  112.  #112Daria on July 9, 2012 at 3:50 pm

    Him playing footy and skateboard sounds lovely and great. I bet he’d really appreciate your non judgement and trust and encouragement of him and his chosen activities.

    There’s a lot on unschooling articles about how children learn from life not parent enforced coerced activities.

    In other words, if he doesn’t want to do those any more, great! Trust that honoring him as a human being and supporting his passions will help the most.

    Don’t distance yourself emotionally from him by judging him and attempting to emasculate him or control him or dominate him or making him toe the line or any kinda power struggle.

    That will cause problems and have him thinking you are not a safe place to go to for him, and indeed you wouldn’t be. He’d be all alone raising himself emotionally at that point, tolearating a disrespectful and emotionally draining family member.



  113.  #113siren song on July 9, 2012 at 3:54 pm

    thanks emerson.

    i’m going out of town for a week tomorrow morning, to a women’s retreat. i feel hopeful things will feel better by bedtime tonight.



  114.  #114Brandylion on July 9, 2012 at 4:09 pm

    Goldenflower, #97: Even though you were replying to Linda, your bit about loving yourself more for making it through and still growing was something I needed to read today. 🙂



  115.  #115Linda on July 9, 2012 at 4:10 pm

    88# Rebecca Yep I do get out and do those things. In fact I have posted about my last and what I good time I had. It has been really hot where I live and I have chosen to not attend lots of things because I would just not enjoy a concert in 104 degree weather outside. Thank you for you kind words and encouragement. Closure even if it without the contact with the person being a part of it is important in lots of ways.

    FW -I feel curious about you. You post here alot. Most I regonize as copy and pasted information from Rori’s email and portions of her printed material. Many things I find helpful and thought provocing. You reveal very little about yourself personally and honestly you dont feel like a real person to me here. Maybe you have your life all lined up and together, which is all of our goals.

    My question about where the type of men that you described was a real question. I have not encountered a man who is seeking what your post said in reality. I have not always been in a place like I am right now or negative as you say. Your response to me creates a very uneasy and guarded feeling in me. I did not grow up in an environment where conflict resolution or relationship difficulties were modeled… I was instructed to ” move on.. forget it…you dont need them, you are better than them” I adopted a dont share your feelings lifestyle and became a loaner and a stuffer. I have since grown beyond that but I certainly feel like shutting down as a result of your comment to me.

    ——

    Smile I do feel stuck in my story to the extent that I need to understand it so I wont repeat invite or have it repeat in my life. I guess it is my soup I am swimming in right now.

    I do feel that being stuck is better than stuffing, ignoring, pretending or moving backward though.

    Forward is the goal and if I understand correctly they are baby steps.

    It is easy to share good things about our lives it is hard and takes me alot of courageous to share my failings. I always hoped I would be perfectionist and could know what to say and do right the first time and hence avoid sadness and trials and pain. THe reality of life has beat that right out of me though.

    Linda



  116.  #116Starla on July 9, 2012 at 4:10 pm

    Hi, my name is Starla. Congratulations on scoring a date with me:) You’re hitting the jackpot here. I am interesting, full of life and passion, and want to hear about what makes you feel the same. I won’t say anything judgmental or make you feel stupid when you “goof” on our date, and I won’t leave you guessing if you’ve offended me either.

    You found yourself a metal-loving, pot-legalizing, 7-language speaking, MMA-training, manicure-having, dress-wearing girly girl. And I know I’m the air you need to breathe. I am a very yummy pie.



  117.  #117Starla on July 9, 2012 at 4:11 pm

    *Actually I only speak 6 languages, which makes me SEX-lingual hahahahahha oh man I slay me



  118.  #118Emerson on July 9, 2012 at 4:15 pm

    I have repetetive thoughts about Recycled even though he’s off my radar persay….I don’t see him nor speak to him at all and I wish I had not hung out with him so much in “my” town because everywhere I go I think of him.

    I don’t know what I could have done differently. I’m trying to let go of him and the past but I keep second guessing myself and “hating” on myself for not doing the tools right or not being “who” or “what” the right combination for him to want to be with…???

    One of the last conversations we had was on the phone and we were about to end the call and I said well it feels nice to hear your voice and he got off the phone acting all weird and abruptly and said “you’re so…” I don’t know he didn’t finish the sentence and I hate that I’m even talking about him here.

    I feel like I came off sounding just like a weirdo. And then I called him a couple weeks later becaues he had offered to help me(he does that alot and help from him comes thru about 50% of the time) anyway I really needed his help with something and he never even called back or replied for DAYS….so rude and I was upset because how crappy does that feel to reach out and then get no reply?????????? I’m so angry.

    So I sent a text “ending” our correspondence and requesting no contact and I have not heard from him since. It’s been almost a month.

    I hate his hot and coldness and I know he is a liar so why the fu(# am I talkign about him right now.



  119.  #119Starla on July 9, 2012 at 4:20 pm

    oh did i mention belly-dancing?

    hahahaha oh man, if i stopped doubting myself, and just sank into myself, i would make men’s heads EXPLODE.

    there is this one guy i know, bless him, who is always texting me to tell me how “dangerous” i am. he’s admired me for years and almost doesn’t deem himself worthy to go out with me. I should believe him.



  120.  #120Femininewoman on July 9, 2012 at 4:21 pm

    Emerson think of it as letting out a far*t or burp.



  121.  #121Starla on July 9, 2012 at 4:22 pm

    1 more thing — a guy who poofed on me (in an ANGRY way) repeatedly, just sent me a friend request on FB. NO THANK YOU. I learned my lesson. But..they always come back:)



  122.  #122Starla on July 9, 2012 at 4:23 pm

    (((((((((((((emerson)))))))))))



  123.  #123Linda on July 9, 2012 at 4:28 pm

    Goldenflower… Thank you. You speak my language. I speak and live boy fluently. Girl is my second language.

    You are right. This is exactly what I have been doing.

    It is odd to me that what you wrote about your recent encounter with your toxic man from the past. THe letter that was written to me was signed “your soul mate”… He wasn’t and isn’t. and as you so well wrote, needs to go on his path and I on mine.

    My father used to say. “sometimes you have to take a drink of water, and just keep on walking”…. He was a man of few words but truer words have never been spoken to me. Some thing we just can ever figure out so stop trying.

    I am so glad about your growth and victory. I feel infused with hope for myself too. Thank you for sharing!

    ((goldenflower))



  124.  #124Linda on July 9, 2012 at 4:33 pm

    You go Starla…



  125.  #125Starla on July 9, 2012 at 4:38 pm

    Thank you:)

    Just as I was committed to and said over and over to myself “love to me” and thanked myself consistently for a couple of months, and it changed my mental landscape and soundtrack, I’m going to commit now to self-talk like 116. It feels kinda “fake” right now, but so did sending myself love and forgiveness at first. And that was a total game changer for me.

    I am really hot. Like on fire hot.



  126.  #126Emerson on July 9, 2012 at 4:46 pm

    120 thanks FW that actually made me giggle 🙂

    Thanks starla for the hug



  127.  #127Emerson on July 9, 2012 at 4:54 pm

    Yesterday I felt so sad…I was sooo missing having close girlfriends around me…it was different when I was younger & I had several close girlfriends to hang out with anytime or call on the phone. Even my friends that moved away were available if I called them, they would always call back and make time for me! Now they have faded way with husbands and kids and lives of their own…I feel sad and lonely that they are gone. I mean, completely gone like strangers type of gone! Life is so weird.

    I am spewing all this out here because I’ve been bottling so much up lately trying to keep my game face on for my family as I job search frantically.

    I took myself off the dating websites (which is prob why I miss Recycled, it would be nice to have some male energy & support right now I really do crave that).

    I feel dating online is too much for me while I job search….it is distracting and draining as I am applying for jobs which is pretty much like living in nonstop rejection and I don’t know how to handle that sometimes.



  128.  #128April Rose on July 9, 2012 at 4:56 pm

    I intend to surrender. To life. To my best destiny.

    Some days vulnerability feels scarey…



  129.  #129April Rose on July 9, 2012 at 4:57 pm

    I wonder what subconscious issue is blocking my ability to be ‘normal’.

    To allow myself a life of feminine grace….



  130.  #130April Rose on July 9, 2012 at 4:59 pm

    I experience a lot of resistance and fear.
    That usually means I’m in masculine energy.



  131.  #131April Rose on July 9, 2012 at 5:02 pm

    Has anyone got Rori’s Heart Connection Toolkit?

    I want something I can listen to and simply surrender to. Something that I can just absorb, that will bring me to a state of feminine grace and receptivity.

    I wonder if you can tell me if ‘Heart Connection’ works like this?



  132.  #132Emerson on July 9, 2012 at 5:02 pm

    April Rose 130-32 ditto



  133.  #133April Rose on July 9, 2012 at 5:06 pm

    (((((Emerson)))))

    I miss my old girlfriends too.

    This blog is where I meet you and my other girlfriends these days.
    Thank goodness for this blog.



  134.  #134Emerson on July 9, 2012 at 5:08 pm

    (((April Rose)))



  135.  #135Esteemed on July 9, 2012 at 5:09 pm

    I feel yucky and drippy with a head cold after sleeping and sitting directly in air conditioning for about a week. I got all the symptoms, plus a fever.

    Today it felt good to eat soup, maypo, and orange juice, along with cold meds and 2000 mg of vitamin c.



  136.  #136April Rose on July 9, 2012 at 5:18 pm

    Oh Esteemed,

    I hate air conditioning. I hope you feel better soon.
    I feel happy to read that you’re taking care of you.



  137.  #137Jasmine on July 9, 2012 at 5:21 pm

    I am feeling anxious and I hate it. I sooo dislike when this feeling gets me.



  138.  #138Vi on July 9, 2012 at 5:22 pm

    I feel scared to read anything involving affairs ..

    what if it happens to me..?

    I will feel like a “loser” .. wait a minute.. I will feel like a loser if my heart is shut down…
    With my heart open I will feel .. bad and lonely … “Loser” feels judgemental, like a label to me.. so is the word “cheating” ..eww..

    I choose to feel Bad sad and lonely – not “like a looser”.. they are my feelings and I love my feelings…. and I can deal with my feelings…unlike judgements.. Once I’ve felt them I feel honored by myself and I will be able to take good care of myself .. sigh.. it feels so good … it feels so good to have my heart unzipped…



  139.  #139Jasmine on July 9, 2012 at 5:24 pm

    And I don’t know if I should be compassionate of my anxiety.



  140.  #140Esteemed on July 9, 2012 at 5:25 pm

    Thanks, April Rose



  141.  #141April Rose on July 9, 2012 at 5:26 pm

    (((Jasmine)))

    I was feeling anxious too.

    Then I heard Rori say (on a teleclass recording)

    “I want you to trust yourself. Have total trust in YOU. I trust you, I love you. I know that what you’re doing for yourself is top drawer. And what I want us to stop doing is to stop beating ourselves up, start embracing our fear and our rage and our anger, and start organically moving towards the life we want.”



  142.  #142Jasmine on July 9, 2012 at 5:33 pm

    April Rose,

    How do I trust myself?

    I feel like I miss him, I want to talk to him, I want him to talk to me. I’m feeling so weak. I’m catching myself. But I don’t want my feelings to relate to him. He doesn’t deserve me. I don’t deserve him. I don’t want to beat myself up. And I don’t want to be judged because of feeling like this.



  143.  #143Esteemed on July 9, 2012 at 5:39 pm

    Jasmine,

    Baby steps…



  144.  #144Jasmine on July 9, 2012 at 5:45 pm

    Esteemed,

    I don’t know baby steps. Are we supposed to get this rollercoaster of emotions? I don’t like them.



  145.  #145Femininewoman on July 9, 2012 at 5:46 pm

    hahaha Linda I am a real person. You see when I first came to the blog I was pining obsessing and hurting because of a man. At times I curled up in a fetal position in my bed bawling my eyes, until I started reading and practicing the tools. Somewhere aling the line I asked myself why the he!ll should I give somebody so muich power over me. He is out there enjoying his life and I am mourning. I decided I had enough so I chose not to give that story power over my reality. You see I believe what you focus on grows so I choose not to focus on that.

    I tried online dating. The first scheduled date nevedr showed up. But at that point I learned to have a back up plan for my self esteem. So that date was a side gig at a coffee shop down the road from a street fair where many of my friends were. As such it rolled off like water on a ducks back. Many men came many left. And they still are but i decided to power for my life and feelings remain with me.

    Yes I cut and paste stuff because since I have been here I notifce ew people constantly come so past comments by Rori and other coaches many times apply to their situation. You see I have been where many of the younger sirens now are so if I help save them one step of the stairway of despair I feel like I have helped a sister.



  146.  #146Starla on July 9, 2012 at 5:51 pm

    (((((((fw))))))))
    this might trigger you, but you ARE our beloved coach-bot.

    Would love to hear more about you in real time as life unfolds for you.

    but i respect this as a joy of sorts for you, to help others.



  147.  #147Autumn on July 9, 2012 at 5:53 pm

    (((((Jasmine)))))

    Why do you say you don’t deserve him?

    You are wonderful. Thanks to your advice i am now day 3 of blocking him 🙂 *trying not to crack though* hahah



  148.  #148FlowerChild77 on July 9, 2012 at 5:56 pm

    AprilRose….I have Heart Connection Tool Kit and it’s wonderful. I really wish I had a CD player in my car so I could listen to it while I’m driving. Every time I listen to it I learn something new.

    I’m not an expert (although I have been reading/learning Rori for several years now) but I think the HCToolKit would be a great program to get because it’s really about US—not specifically about a man.



  149.  #149Jasmine on July 9, 2012 at 5:58 pm

    Autumn,

    Because he made me feel bad all the time. I always felt unloved, unwanted, unmissed, unimportant. I talked to him and he wouldn’t listen, I was always misunderstood. And I was the only one trying to make things work while he was only trying to pull away from me. He made me suffer a lot. I deserve better.



  150.  #150Brandylion on July 9, 2012 at 5:59 pm

    Daria, #98: No worries. I hadn’t thought of it as a trigger, but you are right. My body issues are not resolved, and I am in less good shape now than I was a year ago, both emotionally and physical-fitness-ly.

    “Men are attracted to our bodies and sexyness and it’s a sexual thing , a get hard thing for them. Rori says even if hes attracted emotionally its still about getting hard thats how their attraction is in their bodies. and it doesn’t mean that sex is all they’re attracted to at all.”

    I think this is why dating PriestCD was so…pernicious…(may not be the right word). He *said* he didn’t have a problem with feeling sexually aroused and only had a problem with *acting* on his arousal and that he wanted to express his attraction in other ways, but he repeatedly *acted* on his arousal anyway and felt bad about it and also did not express his attraction to me in other ways (or at least not ways that I could perceive).

    I really, honestly believe this man’s sexual issues, whatever they are, are so great that he would avoid feeling sexual arousal at all if he could. That’s really what his “sex rules” came down to for me–he said he had such difficulty not acting on his desire for me that he wanted to avoid doing anything that would tempt him to act on it (hence agreeing with his priest in December when the priest suggested we keep the physical side of our relationship to hand-holding and closed-mouth kissing).

    It was basically a big mind fu(k for me. I struggle so much anyway with my self-image and self-esteem because of my body issues that having a man who was very clearly physically aroused by me but also very clearly said he didn’t want to be physical with me but also very clearly acted physically with me anyway just left me feeling confused. This just amplified the feelings of rejection when he dumped me, and I’ve spent the last four months, basically, having all the old feelings of rejection from my childhood and teenage years (many of which were because of my body!) triggered.



  151.  #151Jasmine on July 9, 2012 at 6:03 pm

    Keep it up Autumn! Lean back.



  152.  #152Femininewoman on July 9, 2012 at 6:05 pm

    Ladies I am feeling curious and puzzled about “I feel shut down” that I see some ladies use. You see I am a believer that emotions are contagious. So I ask myself what would I “expect” by sharing with someone that I feel shut down? Satuurday morning my date was 40 mins late but as I am not invested I continued doing my thing till he showed up. I noticed I turned away from him when he apologized and I realized that I was feeling shut down. I did not say it, I just noticed it and decided to choose a better feeling. After choosing it I made my own emotional bid for connection and he caught the ball and ran with it. Saw him again yesterday and things felt easy between us.

    My thinking is if I share “I feel shut diown” it might cause the other person to shut down so how can that heal a relationship? I have also seen articles where Rori writes about how to heal a relationship by resisting bad feelings and sharing the good feelings. I have seen where shen says you share your feelings to shift your vibe or you choose a better feeling thought to shift your vibe. Is it that in using some feelings messages we have to choose a trade off – either creating connection or lifting your self-esteem?

    Daria I have to admit I feel open to someone telling me they feel angry as opposed to I feel shut down. Shut down hits my psyche as someone telling me that they are consciously choosing to put up a wall. Anger comes across to me as “I feel human” though sometimes I get bored with it when it keeps coming from the same person. Reminds me of the boy who cried wolf – like I don’t believe it after hearing it so many times.



  153.  #153Autumn on July 9, 2012 at 6:14 pm

    Jasmine

    That feels awful reading let alone experiencing. I hope you stay strong and don’t contact him. I was following your posts before but haven’t seen any updates. Does he still contact you and still want to be friends??? or is there no contact now?

    And yes i need to keep leaning back. There is no hope whatsoever in this imaginary relationship so i am leaning back to forget him and move on. I already feel emotionally lighter, less anxious and ‘stuck’ on him and what he says and does on fb. I wish i had blocked him ages ago. I could have saved myself so much heartache.

    On another positive note i had another guy in the past pop up and apologize for treating me badly!!! 2 in ONE DAY!!! 3 in 3 days!!! what is going on?!!!

    Has this happened to any other ladies here? is it because of the shift in my energy? that i am committing to myself and loving myself more and forgiving myself for things in the past? law of attraction????



  154.  #154Femininewoman on July 9, 2012 at 6:15 pm

    Starla I am not triggered. The thing is I am building in my psyche that I am the one with the power so when men jerk around I don’t dwell. On Saturday afternoon one threw a kiss at me fron across the hall that just sucked me in. I called him over and asked him if that’s the way he is when in relationship. He told me nothing is too good for him to do for his woman because he has come to realize when she is happy he is happy. I felt pulled in and like I could not hlep myself. It felt like I had been pulled off my feminine energy bridge into masculine mode. But I was so fascinated by his constant, consistent efforts to woo me even though most of the times I give him no encouragement.



  155.  #155Femininewoman on July 9, 2012 at 6:18 pm

    “I was the only one trying to make things work”

    A relationship takes two people so each has a job. If you are the only one doing this, the subtle message to the other person is there is no place in this relationship for you.



  156.  #156Jasmine on July 9, 2012 at 6:32 pm

    Autumn,

    I was the one trying to be friends. Last time we talked we had an argument, I was being really pushy and “demanding”. He had told me he didn’t have feelings anymore and that he only wanted to be “friends” (which I call superficial friends). So I left him alone. The last time we talked it was him contacting me, asking me how to cook something. But I haven’t talked to him again. I figured I was expecting more than a friendship (even though I was the one who asked to be friends) and I was getting very frustrated and he was getting aggravated. So I leaned back. He’s naturally pretty inattentive so I’m not even surprised he hasn’t contacted me. I just need to figure out what’s going on inside me so I can know what I really need.

    OF COURSE I am staying strong. I won’t let my feelings overtake me, I’m just trying to deal with them. I am so NOT calling him again. I never felt so determined.

    I am so happy for you! You see? The more time passes, the better you feel, and you’re only getting started. About your ex’s, that’s pretty weird! But I’m sure it makes you feel very good!! Although I usually talk to one of my ex’s and he frequently gets on my nerves (he’s not a hundred percent over me and that’s a problem). But yeah, a shift on your energy definitely will bring good things to you, you just need to keep it up!

    I’m glad you’re feeling better 🙂



  157.  #157Starla on July 9, 2012 at 6:33 pm

    156 aw i feel excited reading about you, fw!



  158.  #158Emerson on July 9, 2012 at 6:36 pm

    156 FW why do you say you were in masculine energy? I’m just curious.



  159.  #159Jasmine on July 9, 2012 at 6:38 pm

    Femininewoman,

    I know a relationship takes two people but he didn’t want to do it. He wasn’t attached enough to want to make things work and instead chose to neglect them.



  160.  #160Emerson on July 9, 2012 at 6:41 pm

    By the way, I tried an experiment when NewCD sent me a text the other day,
    He is the one who only wants to text and can’t seem to solidify plans (not confirming, last minute half-assed confirmations, wants to meet for a first date at 7 AM—YES—I SAID 7 AM; IN THE MORNING!!! Also seems he was always wanting me to row the boat)
    I got a text from him saying happy 4th July and it seemed that it was one of those texts people send out to their whole address book (I don’t know why but my gut told me this)
    Well initially I did not recognize the number cuz I deleted him a while ago…and so I wrote back who is this?
    He wrote back “It’s NewCD”
    And I wrote back “oh hi NewCD. Why are you texting me? I’m just curious.”
    No reply. hahaha I am choosing to laugh about it. WTF?? I don’t have time for this.
    I don’t like that because it could be take wrong like oh my gosh he is thinking of me! when in reality he is just texting EVERYONE the same stupid message. And I’eve told him sooo many tiems I DON’T WANT TO TEXT …OR last time we had contact I told him I FEEL BORED WITH TEXTING!!!
    But not in all caps. That would be rude. 🙂



  161.  #161Emerson on July 9, 2012 at 6:44 pm

    I’m starting to feel really weird sitting at home not going to work. It is so depressing! 🙁
    I’m trying to look for the message….but feeling so so much pressure to find a job. This economy freaking sucks!! Where are the jobs????



  162.  #162Starla on July 9, 2012 at 6:45 pm

    I am waiting for CL to call me and I don’t like it. I want to wait for a guy to call me. I know it’s up to me whether or not I’m “waiting,” which I’m not really doing on a practical level, but ti feels like I’m waiting on him. Like the guessing game… “is he gonna call????” And I hate that. And I feel like that even if they call every day, like with CF, I still felt anxious every single day about if he would call, even though he DID! And I would like to heal this.

    And I’d also like to find me a guy who isn’t so afraid of the phone haha. I’m not trying to talk for hours because I’m not even a phone person… just communicate verbally. when i hear people say text is easier, i cringe. it takes 2 minutes on the phone to make plans, but a bazillion texts/emails over perhaps several hours or days. it’s honestly kind of a test — if you can’t handle a 2 minute phone conversation to make plans because I say that’s what I prefer, how can i expect you to handle…well, ANYTHING, if you’re more dedicated to trying to weasel out of it for days on end than you are to just using the dang telephone real quick?



  163.  #163Emerson on July 9, 2012 at 6:47 pm

    164 starla i agree about the texts



  164.  #164Jasmine on July 9, 2012 at 6:49 pm

    Oh Emerson,

    I so feel you on this!! It’s been summer time and I’m only taking classes (which don’t take much of my time) and don’t even have a part time job. I feel so frustrated. I have been sending resumes to a thousand companies and can’t get anything. I get so discouraged when this happens, and I get bored… and feel so inactive, so much free time.



  165.  #165Jasmine on July 9, 2012 at 6:53 pm

    Starla,

    I know what you mean lol. Unfortunately this generation is all about texting!! I even feel weird sometimes when I have to call or if someone is calling me. A (I call him A) never called me, unless it was something urgent. Which is bad. I think it is better to communicate verbally… texting allows people to think too much and sometimes we end up saying things we wouldn’t ordinarily say. It’s silly.



  166.  #166Starla on July 9, 2012 at 7:03 pm

    i like texting quite a bit; i just don’t think i can take a man seriously who is scared of a wittle bitty tewephone. And I definitely make it clear that i prefer a quick call over other forms of communication, and then i stop responding to emails and texts.

    I texted a guy the other day and he responded by calling me. can you believe it? he said “i think it’s been a while since I heard your voice so I figured I’d call.” AMAZING!

    here’s one i don’t like: when they text to ask if they can call later. lol. just call and leave a message if i don’t answer. i do laugh at this, but i try to be nice and just say, “you can call at any decent hour:)… if you leave a message i’ll know to call you back:) talk to you later.”



  167.  #167Daria on July 9, 2012 at 7:04 pm

    FeminineWoman – me personally i feel really soft and me-focused sharing something like ‘i feel shut down” “i feel kinda closed off”

    those feel really innocent to me

    “i feel angry” for me feels WWWAAAAAAYYYYY more challenging

    the intention behind that one for me can be more liek “im gonna kill u mothafuhka dont u know who i am”

    so sharing “i feel shut down” is way easier than that – i dont really have ANY triggers around that – not that i say it too often i dont think

    to me its just letting him know how im feeling at the moment

    i havent noticed guys getting shut down or withdrawing from it

    usually they say “don’t feel that way” or comfort me

    i Have noticed guys pull back or get defensive when i say “i feel scared” though – they seem to take it as i think they’re gonna physically harm me when i just mean i feel emotionally nervous



  168.  #168Starla on July 9, 2012 at 7:06 pm

    i’m going to shift this irritation into cheering and encouragement energy for this guy

    come onnnnn guy! find your masculine brave energy and pick up that phone so i know your courage and bigness matches mine! woohoo! i feel excited to hear from a yummy man who is fearless!



  169.  #169Femininewoman on July 9, 2012 at 7:08 pm

    Emerson I felt it in my energy. I physically leaned forward to beckon him over and it just felt like doing too much. Even though he had thrown a kiss.



  170.  #170Femininewoman on July 9, 2012 at 7:11 pm

    Maybe next time I will gush at the kiss or think up some gesture that looks like catching it. It is so much fun to practice with men I am not chemically addicted to.



  171.  #171Jasmine on July 9, 2012 at 7:13 pm

    I am feeling so anxious..

    I had mac and cheese, cheetos, chocolate, sour candies, milk, chocolate, tostitos, chocolate… and I still feel like eating… what’s wrong…



  172.  #172Femininewoman on July 9, 2012 at 7:14 pm

    Thanks Daria.



  173.  #173Jasmine on July 9, 2012 at 7:16 pm

    Daria,

    I wonder, what’s Riffing? I read you’re the “Queen of Riffing”.



  174.  #174Femininewoman on July 9, 2012 at 7:16 pm

    Jasmine that’s what sugar does to you.



  175.  #175Starla on July 9, 2012 at 7:17 pm

    jasmine, those foods are anxiety feeders. and they have the effect of causing you to crave more and more.

    google “foods to help anxiety”



  176.  #176Jasmine on July 9, 2012 at 7:20 pm

    FW, it hasn’t all been sugar.

    Starla, I’m googling…



  177.  #177Brandylion on July 9, 2012 at 7:20 pm

    I want to text or email PriestCD:

    I feel vulnerable sharing this, but I feel sad, anxious, and confused. I don’t want to feel this way with you. What do you think?

    I sent him a business-y email yesterday morning, not personal, and he hasn’t replied. It feels bad. I feel bad. I really thought he would want to recount his Europe trip with me since he’s been talking about it since last fall. I really thought he would feel curious about my research project since I’ve been working on it as long as I’ve known him and one of his classes was a comparison group for the study.

    Leaning forward again and getting no response will just feel worse. Remember that, Brandylion. This man is not your friend.



  178.  #178Daria on July 9, 2012 at 7:22 pm

    Vi – “I will feel like a “loser” .. wait a minute.. I will feel like a loser if my heart is shut down…
    With my heart open I will feel .. bad and lonely … “Loser” feels judgemental, like a label to me.. so is the word “cheating” ..eww..”

    omg this feels so exciting to read!!!!

    i judge myself as a loser and this so inspired me to STOP!

    and yes if i drop the concept of “cheating” and just look at it as what it is, connecting with someone else, that can help a lot too ddrop that judgemental thinking

    omg this feels so helpful thank you so much!



  179.  #179LiliBee on July 9, 2012 at 7:23 pm

    I had a 1st talk with D about him planning his fall schedule…without me in those plans.
    I felt angry and resentful.
    I shared those feelings, and he pulled away by keeping super busy.
    So I kept myself busy.
    Then the opportunity finally came.
    The 2nd talk went like this:

    “Last year I felt really sad, lonely and disconnected sitting home alone waiting around for someone to come get me.
    Now I found this meetup group to do fun things with.
    I won’t sit around waiting anymore, I’ll go make new friends to do fun things with.
    I want to make new friends and have my own life.”

    The result was different this time:
    He scheduled 1 vacation week alone with his son.
    By the way, D ‘was’ antischedule.
    Then he asked me which of the 2 following weeks I would like to share with him.

    I said “I don’t want to stay around home where you constantly get sollicited. It would feel good to get away like we did to Vegas. It felt so good to be disconnected from the real world and connected to each other.”

    He said smiling “I’ll take you to the country fishing and hiking.”

    This is BIG for me, coz he was putting his trip with his friends 1st, and he said he didn’t have the money to do it all…Now he’ll be spending it on renting a summer cottage by a lake to take me fishing and hiking FIRST.

    (Those are things I was thinking on doing with the meetup group)
    giggle giggle 🙂
    He doesn’t like me doing activities with the meetup group coz they are mostly single people 😉
    I said a while ago about that “as long as I’m not in a comitted relationship where I come 1st, I’m still up for grabs.”

    Tonight I went out biking with my gf, and I’ll be going to the water park for a whole day with another gf without him.
    I still need to do my own little things without him to feel connected to myself and so do my friends.



  180.  #180Femininewoman on July 9, 2012 at 7:27 pm

    Daria I guess one can feel soft sharing that but that is not the energy I sense around those words when I have seen it shared on the blog. I will remain open though.



  181.  #181Jasmine on July 9, 2012 at 7:29 pm

    I feel a little curious, I see this common online dating thing among you sirens. Is it something Rori recommended to do?



  182.  #182Jasmine on July 9, 2012 at 7:31 pm

    There is one question I’ve typed a thousand times and it doesn’t show up on the blog. Whyyyy



  183.  #183LoveAlways on July 9, 2012 at 7:32 pm

    My friend is dealing with this. can we really avoid it, this tsunami?



  184.  #184Daria on July 9, 2012 at 7:32 pm

    ((((Brandylion)))) that is TOUGH! omg that would have my self esteem and comfort with my attractiveness in the dumps

    UGH i had a boyfriend who didnt’ want to have sex w me often i FORGOT about that omg it felt awful but i worked and worked over it so i didnt have to really notice it

    wow!

    yeah it really affected me awfully and i am really feeling for you on a gut level – how confusing

    i hope you can find a way to just dump all that in the “its about HIM” box and step away from it for yourself

    meeting lots of men will help with that



  185.  #185LiliBee on July 9, 2012 at 7:33 pm

    Yey!!! Another vacation to feel siked about! 🙂
    I feel so happy 🙂
    And this time, I’m not planning a thing!

    FMs really do help:
    I asked someone at a family party “Where is soandso?”
    They said her boyfriend surprised her with a weekend getaway out of town by a lake.
    My whole face lit up and I said “Awwww, that feels so romaaaantic. I feel so gushy hearing that.”

    I saw D’s ears stand up and his neck stretch out like his radar had just turned on. lol.

    So I won’t make any hint or any suggestions to give him space and the chance to be in the masculine energy for our next vacation.



  186.  #186Starla on July 9, 2012 at 7:34 pm

    jasmine, some words send you into moderation



  187.  #187Jasmine on July 9, 2012 at 7:35 pm

    Starla,

    Why moderation?



  188.  #188Jasmine on July 9, 2012 at 7:37 pm

    I’m not even using any bad/misspelled words



  189.  #189Starla on July 9, 2012 at 7:40 pm

    some people have gotten a little, uh, over zealous, shall we say? About certain topics.



  190.  #190Jasmine on July 9, 2012 at 7:41 pm

    mmm that’s weird



  191.  #191Starla on July 9, 2012 at 7:42 pm

    WOW i look really good and curvy and fit and just amazing

    and i have a very good head on my shoulders and i am FUN and sweet to my friends



  192.  #192Daria on July 9, 2012 at 7:46 pm

    Jasmine the words are:

    jes*us

    pl*um

    bit*ch

    fu*ck

    and also if u include more than one link



  193.  #193Autumn on July 9, 2012 at 7:47 pm

    What exactly is the purpose of leaning back? is to make the man chase you? or to help get over him?

    I feel sad knowing he will never come back. A friend just got a msg from an ex shes still madly in love with out of the blue after a year of nothing. I feel sad knowing HE will never do that with me. I want to move on and be whole again.

    Feeling so sad suddenly.



  194.  #194LoveAlways on July 9, 2012 at 7:52 pm

    (((((Autumn)))))

    I feel that leaning back is to give yourself time to work through your feelings so that you are able to communicate with a man more genuinely. You know, like when you want to pick up the phone and call him because you have a particular feeling. Other times, leaning back feels right because you are keeping yourself safe from a potential situation that you would cause. I believe the point is that the man is supposed to initiate the contact when, but Leaning Back is not an easy concept. Hope that helps.

    LoveAlways



  195.  #195Lily Medusa on July 9, 2012 at 7:52 pm

    Brandylion,
    Your comments about PriestCD and his sexual issues strike a chord in me. I was raised in a religious culture that is strictly against any and all types of sexual contact outside of marriage. I received decades of exhortations to be sexually abstinent, and I learned almost nothing about sexuality and sexual health. My lack of sexual knowledge led to me being physically harmed when I started to experiment with sexuality at age 19. Because I was so deeply indoctrinated, the vicious self-hatred and guilt I inflicted on myself actually destroyed the enjoyment I was feeling from sexual activity whenever it occurred. So I couldn’t understand why I kept letting guys touch me… I felt terrible and thought I was going to hell.

    When I left that religion and lifestyle behind I started to feel much better about myself and my sexual choices. Yet somehow, for YEARS thereafter, I kept getting involved in relationships with men who WOULD NOT have sex with me!!! I am a sensual and passionate woman, and I love sex, and I could not seem to find a man who would give it to me. The men’s excuses varied, but even when a relationship started out hot in bed, the sex quickly dwindled. I felt so angry and unattractive, yet I KNEW I was beautiful and sexy and I could not understand why the men who said they loved me just couldn’t stand to have sex with me.

    I spent years blaming the men. Then one day I woke up and realized it was ME. I had been stuck, for years, in an emotional place where I was either attracting men who weren’t interested in engaging with me sexually, or I was repelling the ones who were. I went to a wonderful emotional release therapist and she helped me work through some of the core beliefs I was holding onto from childhood that was keeping me in that space. She gave me a bunch of affirmations and I hung them on my wall, said them out loud numerous times per day, and basically devoted myself to making them true.

    Interestingly enough, right after that is when I found Rori Raye. I learned so much about my feminine energy and I have finally become soft and feminine. I used to hear my guy frequently say things like “You’re so demanding, nothing can ever satisfy you” (regarding our whole relationship including our sex life). NOW I hear him say things like “You’re all girl, aren’t you!” He listens to my feelings and thinks of ways to make me happy. (!!!)

    AND, my sex life has become significantly, quantifiably better. Hugely better.

    I wonder… if you find yourself so attached to this guy who has major guilt issues about having a normal sexuality with you (I realize he’s a priest and his religion probably forbids it, but that’s just the surface reason he’s not connecting with you physically), could this be energy that you are attracting? Could it be that you are afraid of some aspect of sexual intimacy? Or possibly that you are bringing in (and then feeling attached to) guys who reject some major part of you in different ways?



  196.  #196Jasmine on July 9, 2012 at 7:54 pm

    Daria,

    I’m not using any of that! I was asking something about dating sites



  197.  #197Jasmine on July 9, 2012 at 7:57 pm

    Autumn,

    Leaning back can have multiple meanings and objectives depending on the situation.



  198.  #198Autumn on July 9, 2012 at 8:03 pm

    Thank you LoveAlways that clears up a few things. I feel slightly purposeless with my leaning back since its not to lean back to bring him back, since there is no hope in that.

    My heart hurts.



  199.  #199Emoticon on July 9, 2012 at 8:05 pm

    hmmmm



  200.  #200Jasmine on July 9, 2012 at 8:05 pm

    Autumn,

    Right now I am leaning back but I don’t know what to expect. After reading Rori’s material I don’t know if I made him pull away or if he is just who he is, so I’m a little confused on that. But he claims not to have any feelings for me and has acted just that way, so that’s just the reality to me and I’m focusing on myself. In your case, I would not expect anything from him. I can imagine how difficult it is for you knowing that he is with someone else. But I would take the focus on me and try to make myself happy because he has a life on his own.

    It is ok to feel sad. It happens to me too and I’ve seen it happen to a lot of sirens as well. But I wonder, for how long were you guys together and what happened?



  201.  #201LoveAlways on July 9, 2012 at 8:07 pm

    I stopped looking for guys and they are just coming to me now – lots of surprises finding they way at me. It’s a good thing, but my NVs are buzz around like nats on an over ripe banana.



  202.  #202Femininewoman on July 9, 2012 at 8:09 pm

    Autumn leaning back is heping youm to become intimate with yourself. Alowing those feelings that you might not normally had paid attention to, to bubble up so you can learn to love yourself and know yourself and how you work.



  203.  #203Jasmine on July 9, 2012 at 8:12 pm

    FW,

    201 – I liked that.



  204.  #204Jasmine on July 9, 2012 at 8:13 pm

    I suppose NV are always going to be around.



  205.  #205Linda on July 9, 2012 at 8:18 pm

    #183 Daria

    This is what I have been dealing with and is at the core of my issue with the last relationship.

    It feels really bad.

    The situation was different the the result the same and its affect the same on me.

    Being rejected that way really is a deep stab.

    Linda



  206.  #206Autumn on July 9, 2012 at 8:20 pm

    Jasmine you are right. Thank you. I need to focus on myself.

    I’m reading a lot of relationship books right now and usually if a man tells you how he feels then that’s how it is. I think its good that he told you how he feels that way you know exactly where you stand as opposed to a guy that just disappears as was the case with me. I feel like i need closure and that ‘final chat’ in regards to what happened. But i know Rori says there is no point in wanting and waiting for closure and that i should move on.

    We only dated for two months but it was so intense for me. I have never fallen so deeply and so quickly for someone. He was my match in so many ways. But i was all in masculine energy, and did EVERYTHING that Rori says not to do: i chased, i called, i msged, i chased and chased and kept hounding because i was so infatuated with him. The break up with him (if him disappearing on me LOL for good reason too) has left a massive rip in the canvas of my soul. I felt that he was the perfect man in the way he treated me, it fit me perfectly that i wanted to keep him forever. I have dated since, many different guys, some better looking more well off etc some who treat me better even. But i feel that he was the one who treated me the way i wanted to be treated, that was perfect for me and who i was.

    I have spent so much time being angry and resentful towards myself for making all the wrong moves. I can’t help thinking if i had done this or that it would all be different and i would be celebrating our one year anniversary now. But i know this is useless and i have to let it go.

    All i want is to be free so i can enjoy being around the wonderful man who is in my life right now. It feels so unfair to him. I feel pathetic and a cheat and feel like i am short changing him.



  207.  #207Brandylion on July 9, 2012 at 8:35 pm

    Lily Medusa, #194:

    I want to clarify that he’s not actually a priest; I chose that name for him because he had actually considered becoming one within the year before I met him. He has since told me that part of the reason he told me about having considered the priesthood was to cover up the fact that he wasn’t falling in love with me.

    I will give some thought to what you have said; you may be on to something there, with me attracting men who reject some part of me because of something I am afraid of…



  208.  #208Daria on July 9, 2012 at 8:41 pm

    Lily Medusa – if you don’t mind and your emotional therapist works long distance, can you give the link to her page/ contact info?

    i feel excited to work with someone



  209.  #209Autumn on July 9, 2012 at 8:41 pm

    And now i feel really gross and uncomfortable for sharing that.



  210.  #210Starla on July 9, 2012 at 8:51 pm

    i am fiery, full of life and passion, wild hair, dainty ankles, and very very funny!



  211.  #211Lily Medusa on July 9, 2012 at 9:00 pm

    Daria, thanks for asking. The woman I go to is wonderful, a very skilled healer. I would feel thrilled to hook you up with her. Only I’m feeling sheepish cuz I’m not sure if she works long distance and I don’t even know if she has a website. I would be delighted to give you her phone number if you are interested. Could I get your email somehow?



  212.  #212Lily Medusa on July 9, 2012 at 9:02 pm

    Oh, sorry Brandylion. I had totally thought he was an actual priest. Thanks for clarifying!



  213.  #213Lily Medusa on July 9, 2012 at 9:05 pm

    Daria, I’m going away from the computer now, but I’ll check back later with you k?



  214.  #214Esteemed on July 9, 2012 at 9:09 pm

    Jasmine,

    144 – I have been on a rollercoaster of emotions ever since I can remember in my adult life. I wish I could get off. But I feel far closer to being off of it than I did three years ago. I can choose my emotions, and I feel far more resilient. I know, it sucks at times.

    Baby steps just means don’t put too much pressure on yourself to change overnight. Just be patient with and embrace the process.



  215.  #215Vi on July 9, 2012 at 9:14 pm

    Daria, that’s exactly how I felt reading your 290 post from the last thread .. and then I felt relieved …sigh .. and I would like to thank you : )



  216.  #216Daria on July 9, 2012 at 9:40 pm

    Lily Medusa – my email is magicgoddessmedicinewoman@gmail.com

    thanks!



  217.  #217R.N.AmazingMe on July 9, 2012 at 9:49 pm

    Hello all I have been reading silently but working a lot catching up my bills. I am finally at a point in my life I know what kind of man and life I want but the weeding process stinks…my life and children are great, love my job, money is great! I am just lacking that man’s true touch. the touch and hug that I know he means it. He cares, not just fwb but a friend that has potential to be more. movies, dancing, theme parks I feel i have worked hard and deserve it. goshhhh…so torn today, bitter..



  218.  #218R.N.AmazingMe on July 9, 2012 at 9:51 pm

    I was mind fu%&keddddd awhile back and it still bothers me but I lack trust from my past . How will i get this back? Daria I need you, Feminine woman…help me. What is the answer?



  219.  #219siren song on July 9, 2012 at 10:02 pm

    i feel so sad today…still…

    i just had an argument with my dad. and i only talk to him like 6 times a year.

    sigh.

    but i feel confident tomorrow will feel better.



  220.  #220Daria on July 9, 2012 at 10:16 pm

    Jasmine – riffing is a form of freewrite and expressing and loving emotions….

    if u go to the side-bar on the right hand side – click on POWER AND SELF ESTEEM

    click through to the oldest – by date – posts and start from there… Rori outlines it in those articles



  221.  #221Daria on July 9, 2012 at 10:24 pm

    ((((Amazing Me))))

    i got some nice hugs from a man today as we sat outside by the water

    he poofed immediately and it still feels good to have been held

    its a process of learning to have my needs met by multiple men rotating around me – when rori wrote this i felt confused how those men would meet my emotional hugging and touching and sex needs – its now finally working

    yes it does feel fulfilling, no longer desperate and empty

    it feels fulfilling even if the man goes knowign that there will be another and another and ALWAYS there will be men around me no matter what

    so eventaully as i keep saying no to the stuff i dont want ill be having ones that are closer and closer

    tilll i get swept offffff yum



  222.  #222R.N.AmazingMe on July 9, 2012 at 10:25 pm

    I am feeling unimportant, ignored, I feel low today sooo not a siren right now..this too shall pass



  223.  #223Daria on July 9, 2012 at 10:26 pm

    last nite i had an amazingly fulfilling conversation with a guy who wanted to buy me presents and massage me and all things i wanted but never had a man on his own say he wanted to offer – i had, but not as good as this guy

    it felt great

    havent heard from him – poof

    still felt great



  224.  #224R.N.AmazingMe on July 9, 2012 at 10:27 pm

    Yes I too have done this and now i feel like I want just one..lol



  225.  #225Daria on July 9, 2012 at 10:30 pm

    the night before that i had an amazing feeling – sooo turned on in teh best way – makeout Daria pleasuring session with a man who was so handsome and cool

    and i felt amazed and connected and was open to having him fill all my time and

    would even have had sex i was that open and ready emotionally – but i know i would feel vulnerable after and off balance… so waited

    only got one text from him the next day which i responded warmly to and no answer since

    so poof and yet i still feel sexually fulfilled desired and lovely 🙂



  226.  #226Emerson on July 9, 2012 at 10:36 pm

    Siren song I’m sorry you feel sad



  227.  #227Daria on July 9, 2012 at 10:36 pm

    Amazing – yeah its a process to get comfortable to receiving energy from multiple men around me

    it def took time to not feel uncomfortable and to get over ‘wanting just one’ whcih feels kinda desperate and piny and controlling

    i hope to give u hope that it IS possible to babystep to a place where it feels fulfilling, and the pinyness fades

    in this emotional space i feel so powerful – im easily dropping men now – and i can SEE how that is going to boost the quality of men dramatically – and getting me closer to beign surrounded by men who can be that one for me



  228.  #228Daria on July 9, 2012 at 10:59 pm

    “In order for kids to feel and see abundance, they first must have parents who feel and see it too, even if there is no money. Go to parks, pick up sticks, ride bikes to new places, swing on the swing differently, make bubbles and blow them in front of a fan. Look at stars at night and try to find constellations, light things on fire with magnifying glass, roast hot dogs for dinner (it’s cheap), the possibilities are limitless, but only if you choose to see them. THAT is what will help your kids learn how to be creative thinkers—seeing and doing creative things.”
    —Jenny Cyphers



  229.  #229Emerson on July 9, 2012 at 11:01 pm

    I look forward to the next article every time I see this ones title I feel myself cringe. It sounds snarky to me. Affairs are terrible. I hate them. But thinking I can affair proof a relationship feels like it would involve controlling another person. Otherwise how can it be immune to an affair??



  230.  #230Smile on July 9, 2012 at 11:02 pm

    Morning sirens, this is how I am starting my day

    From The Secret Daily Teachings
    Another easy way to use the law of attraction for your benefit is this:
    Every night before you fall asleep, replay in your mind the good moments of the day, and give heartfelt thanks for each one of them. Think about the next day also, and intend that it is going to be amazing, that it is going to be filled with love and joy, and that all good is coming to you. Intend that it is going to be the best day of your life. Then when you wake in the morning, BEFORE you get out of bed, declare your intentions again for the day and give deep thanks as though you have received them all.

    May the joy be with you,

    Rhonda Byrne
    The Secret… bringing joy to billions



  231.  #231Tam on July 9, 2012 at 11:50 pm

    Oh hello, I enjoyed reading the blog that unfolded after I went to bed, I loved Starla’s and FW’s entries and Emerson, I feel for you and the jobhunt…I am having my own pretty similar version of that.
    Also, I can’t date much because I need to concentrate on finding a job, I work at a side job that isn’t making money yet and I am looking at ways to emigrate and getting a visa all of which (plus reading the blog, ha) takes time…it is ok, I need to focus on me.
    Smile, thanks for posting that this morning, feels great to focus on the good.

    Tonight I am going out with an ex boyfriend of 20 years ago, and I am so greatful for people/men remembering me and being there for me.

    I am grateful that even though I told him to ‘get lost’ MrU has not given up on our friendship at least and is fighting to help me, guarding my dream – and that is so much more important to me than any short-lived romance, Ladies, I have to say.
    A friend who doesn’t take ‘no’ for an answer, and who was worried about me because he saw that I am not well and not happy – that is just priceless and like one of my best female friends would do the same….

    I am not feeling myself, and I am not happy but I am working on reversing that and it will change.

    Thanks everybody and have a good day!! 🙂



  232.  #232Tereana on July 10, 2012 at 12:11 am

    I feel tired, but I wanted to just come on the blog and check in. Wow, I feel different! I feel like I have grown a lot since the last time I posted. I feel like I’ve grown several years! Everything feels different…I feel more calm, composed. Things that used to bother the heck out of me are now minor annoyances.

    I am going home to visit my family soon. I am having some mixed feelings and emotions about this. I feel excited and anticipating it in a positive way. And it’s bringing up some anxiety, too. But instead of flipping out, I am communicating my feelings in a better way. And some of them I am not communicating.

    I’ve had some great conversations/meetings with friends recently. I feel it’s given me a nice boost of oxytocin. I need to try and get to bed earlier, though. All this computer until 12:00 is not so great for my brain!

    I’ve learned so much from my kitten. I’ve learned so much from my bees. The Universe has so much to teach me. So many messages for me. I am a message also….



  233.  #233Emerson on July 10, 2012 at 12:18 am

    231 tam thank you for sharing! I have a side job too but it does not pay the bills per se… Good night from the west coast ZZZZZ….



  234.  #234Jenny on July 10, 2012 at 12:37 am

    I’m feeling sad and a little worried. I’m feeling sore in my troat and its is getting worse.

    I feel worried I’m getting more sick. I feel sick, sleepy adn such pain in my troat. I dont want too. I have lots of things I need to to, like cleaning my home. I have at least 2 dates this week.

    I feel weak and powerless and a little sad. I dont want to be sick, but as this is going – it dont feel good.



  235.  #235LobbyStar on July 10, 2012 at 4:47 am

    206 Autumn

    Wow, reading this post, I could have written it about Cy. He treated me exactly how I want to be treated in a relationship. I was totally in masculine energy with him, because I always thought if I wanted something, I had to go get it myself, even men. I am so independent and strong that I didn’t show him my feminine vulnerable side and I don’t believe he felt an emotional connection, because I hid my emotions behind my sense of humor. And then when I lost him, I beat myself up about all the mistakes I made and everything that was “wrong” with me.

    After six months of blatantly refusing to acknowledge him (we work at the same place, so we see each other frequently, but we don’t need to interact for our jobs), which he hated, I agreed to try to be just friends. He told me he was so glad I “got over” that. I told him I’m not over it.

    But then he started treating me the same as when we dated — like a girlfriend — and I fell for him again. He is one of my best friends, but it’s difficult for me because I want more, and I find I’m pining too much, which feels bad. I am considering telling him I can’t be friends anymore (using FMs), but I keep putting it off, because we’re doing a triathlon together this month, and we’re taking a trip together in September. I don’t want to ruin those plans for either of us, especially me.

    I have used FMs with him with success, so I intend to continue that trend, as we have plans two days this week to train together for the triathlon.

    I am CDing three men and practicing on all the men I meet. In fact, I was practicing with this one guy, and I thought it was all innocent because he was married, but then I found out he isn’t married and wants to date me!

    Oh, I also wanted to say that for two months this year, I was terribly depressed, still mourning my mom and another family situation was stressing me out. During that time, I met no new men. They were not coming around at all. When I pulled myself out of the depression, my energy changed, and suddenly all these men, some from my past, started coming out of the woodwork at me! So when Rori and other sirens talk about changing your energy, I’m telling you from experience, IT WORKS!



  236.  #236Femininewoman on July 10, 2012 at 6:05 am

    ((((((((((((((((R.N. Amazing)))))))))))))))

    If it were me it would make me feel powerful to make this person as small as an ant in that same mind and myself as a big giant. Walking around saying fe fi fo fum and everytime I put my foot down it would be one inch and away from crushing them.



  237.  #237siren song on July 10, 2012 at 6:28 am

    I woke up feeling super-peaceful. I had a couple of realizations:

    -I don’t want to be with a man who isn’t banging down my door to be with me.

    -the past few guys i’ve been with have had addictions (guy who loves me is a big drinker and used to do other drugs and the guy before that was a drug addict) or they’ve had obsessions that stood in the way of intimacy. My parents are both addicts who are preoccupied with alcohol. Hmmm.

    Maybe i don’t even know what it’s like to have the full-on attention i need in a relationship.



  238.  #238Femininewoman on July 10, 2012 at 6:42 am

    ((((((((((siren song))))))))))))))

    You can change that history. You can change who you attract.



  239.  #239Femininewoman on July 10, 2012 at 7:06 am

    EMK asks an interesting question in a recent eNewsLetter.

    What does HE get out of dating you, ?

    So not only should this be a huge paradigm shift for how you approach marketing yourself online, it should be a really challenging question to answer inside.

    Why do men choose to commit to women for a lifetime?

    Because of how we FEEL when we’re with you.

    Why do some women get to land the smart, strong, successful, charismatic man?

    Because those women make those men FEEL the best.

    How do they do it?

    I’m thrilled to tell you.

    The feminine is what attracts the masculine, yet sometimes, as a smart, strong, successful woman, your energy gets out of balance.

    You become just like the man of your dreams and you wonder why he’s not attracted to you. He’s looking for a complement. He’s looking for what he doesn’t get from his work or his male friends. He’s looking for feminine energy – even if he can’t express that himself.



  240.  #240Femininewoman on July 10, 2012 at 7:09 am

    Love Note of the Week:

    Make love a priority and love will reward you.

    “Whether you are currently in a relationship, or desire a relationship, love must be a priority in your life for it to grow and evolve. Couples don’t just ‘drift apart,’ they didn’t make their love a priority. Singles don’t just magically begin to create a new kind of relationship, effort must be taken to remove beliefs that aren’t serving them, and make internal changes so that old patterns are not repeated. Creating love on purpose means making the effort to release what is not serving you and having a commitment to create a new kind of relationship with yourself, and then with your Beloved.”

    We are here to support you on your path to love.

    Love and Abundance,

    Orna and Matthew



  241.  #241CurvySiren10 on July 10, 2012 at 7:33 am

    Emerson 229~ “I look forward to the next article every time I see this ones title I feel myself cringe. It sounds snarky to me. Affairs are terrible. I hate them. But thinking I can affair proof a relationship feels like it would involve controlling another person. Otherwise how can it be immune to an affair??”

    I agree that this article is simply wacking at branches. Not addressing the root cause at all. In my opinion, the key is keeping the relationship healthy, not acting as if it is already. For me, that means ridding it of resentments that act as paper between you, dulling the attraction. But that’s a whole other story…lol.

    The idea of “affair proofing” a relationship feels so simplistic to me.



  242.  #242Tam on July 10, 2012 at 7:36 am

    Oh, I am on the phone and can’t read any new comments…what a shame. I went to a seminar today, lots of guys, lots of flirting. A lot of it on the internet…in the middle of it Mr U sends me a message at 8am his time…before his morning coffee, bless him. I said I can’t chat as in the middle of a seminar, he wanted to know what about??? He is so curious, haha. And then he literally bombarded me with job adverts which he could only have found trawling the net as they matched my experience perfectly.
    I felt very grateful and expressed that to him. I really felt so cared for.
    And tonight a date with my ex from 20 years ago. I feel greatful for good men in my life….



  243.  #243siren song on July 10, 2012 at 7:36 am

    FW,

    Yeah, i dropped a cd a while back because he had a drinking problem.

    I really have a fear that i am narcissistic and ‘need too much attention’. The opposite is likely true.



  244.  #244Tereana on July 10, 2012 at 7:46 am

    Aw…Siren Song. I feel you. I guess it’s those patterns that keep emerging that we eventually get to break through to find out what “real love” is.

    I know that in my case, it is people not showing up for me. In some ways I am not even aware of all the ways that my parents didn’t show up for me. I ignore it. But the fact is that they *still* don’t show up for me. It makes me feel unimportant and invisible. Even when something is really important to me, they are so wrapped up in their own “stuff” that they can’t really be there….

    So in my dating life, I keep meeting guys who are “too busy,” who have other priorities. It feels bad. But I know I can break through this. I know I just have to get to the point where I feel loved and worthy, just as I am – with or without my parents’ “consent.”



  245.  #245Femininewoman on July 10, 2012 at 8:06 am

    “People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.”

    – Zig Ziglar



  246.  #246Jasmine on July 10, 2012 at 8:16 am

    Autumn,

    If it wasn’t because he told me that a thousand times after we broke up and we always ended up being back together (he kept coming back), I would believe it a hundred percent. We don’t see each other anymore during the summer and now separation is easier to do. He didn’t want the relationship because it was really unstable and now is the perfect time to end it (he’s the one who always slipped up and came back). He did the same thing over Christmas break (which was when we actually broke up). He cut me out because he was “over” me. It didn’t work because we started seeing each other again in January. We are from the same major and take pretty much the same classes, so it was hard to let things go seeing each other everyday.

    I saw him twice this summer. The first time, he couldn’t help kissing me. But then I got emotional (demanding) and he backed off (withdrew). The second time he was the one who got emotional. I was mad (like usual) and he made a fire so I would chill out. Then we went to the kitchen and he hugged me, so hard. Like if something was still there but he wouldn’t let it go. That was the last time we were together.

    But anyways, I set up my mind already and I’m not trying to figure out whether he has feelings or not, it’s a waste of time and energy. If he’s over me, that’s fine. I’m already doing my thing, and it feels great.

    If I were you, I would forget about “closure”. I was always expecting that this summer and it held me back from being happy. It is pointless. If it’s over, it’s over. And I feel really good now that I take things as they are and not as I want them to be. Being angry and resentful won’t help you at all either. It didn’t help me. Whenever I talked to “A” I was always resentful and I was harming myself. I tried to release all of my anger to make him feel guilty but I ended up hurting myself and making him withdraw even more. I was feeling frustrated and needy but I stopped doing that. Once I did, I started feeling better. I feel too much peace in my heart now. I see things differently and more calm because I am protecting myself. I am happy with what I am doing; I wasn’t before.

    In your situation, I wouldn’t think about what I should or shouldn’t have done. I guarantee you girl, you’ll feel desperate and hopeless. There’s a quote I always remember whenever I feel like that “Don’t dwell on the past, it died for a reason”. If it’s done, can’t be undone. We sometimes waste too much time trying to change the past (which is impossible) instead of trying to do our best to change the present and make things better for us (which is the only thing we can do).

    I’m proud of you for trying your hardest. You’ll make it 🙂



  247.  #247Tereana on July 10, 2012 at 8:17 am

    Ack. I just typed a whole post out, only to accidentally quit my browser. I’ve literally never done that before…lol

    Anyway, the heart of what I was getting to was about competition. Last night, I caught myself “competing” with a guy. And being totally aware that I really didn’t want to be competing. And yet it was happening anyway. I wanted to connect with him. I wanted to feel that we have things in common – and we do.

    It all started the night before. We were talking about how he liked running, and I had to drop the “marathon” bomb. I mean, sheesh. really? Did I have to? The guy just runs for fun. It’s not like I’m a pro or something. Way to emasculate the dude. why, chica, why??

    And then last night – I don’t know. I felt tired. Maybe that made it worse. I didn’t know what to talk about. And he was pretty quiet. So I could tell at times that I kept trying to “move the conversation along.” And it didn’t feel that good. It felt forced. And sometimes he asked me questions I didn’t like. Just that I had to answer in a very factual way. It felt distant, and I didn’t want to answer that way. I didn’t want to talk about my dating experience. But it was my fault…I asked him a question first. I did kind of “bring it on.”

    Ugh…I do not feel so great about that.

    The night before, he thought I was so cute. And I was cute! It was spontaneous! Bliss!

    But now, when it’s all about “scheduling”…maybe I don’t want to ‘schedule’ dates all the time. Maybe just once I’d like to break free from the confines of my “schedule.” My life is ruled by my schedule, and really what is that? It’s arbitrary lines that we draw in time. They don’t really exist. But I can let them run me. I can let them run – and ruin possibly – my private life. Because if I have to answer to “the schedule,” then I don’t really have life. I don’t really have time. Time has me…And I don’t want to be owned by time. I want to own MY time.

    This is what Free People do – they choose what to do with their time. I am not free. Because I don’t feel that I get to choose. I need to feel “bound” by time, or else I don’t feel that I exist. If I have too much “free” time, then I feel guilty, like I am not doing enough.

    I hate this feeling. My personal opinion is that overall, this attitude toward life is destructive, or at least unhelpful. And I abhor it. Yet I am a part of it. I am playing right into that negative sensation where life “runs” you, and you don’t really own yourself. And of course I admire others who play this game, and they play it well. Yet even many people who do have a lot of obligations, also have time for people that they love. They “decide” which time constraints are their obligations, and outside of that, they are free. I don’t know that I am ever free.

    Looking for the balance…

    How can I make time for people that I love, and make time for myself, and also feel that I am not doing “too much” for other people….???



  248.  #248Jasmine on July 10, 2012 at 8:20 am

    Good morning Sirens!

    I woke up so lighthearted today, and it feels great!!



  249.  #249Jasmine on July 10, 2012 at 8:28 am

    I wish I could permanently feel like this



  250.  #250Tam on July 10, 2012 at 9:01 am

    hmmm..something strikes me as odd. You know, I am a very open person and will tell people everything about me – I really have no secrets whatsoever.
    Often, this is not the best way to go, but still.
    So today when I said I was at the seminar and MrU asked what type of seminar, and I told him I will explain later when I am free…he wrote back:
    ‘You have a lot of secrets’
    I was quite taken aback, as I don’t see myself like that and wonder why he does. So he does not trust me is the inference I draw from that. Interesting.



  251.  #251Pamelala on July 10, 2012 at 9:29 am

    Tam,

    Is it possible that your interpretation of what he is thinking is skewed? What if “you have so many secrets” means “you are so intriguing and mysterious”?

    Do you feel free to ask him what he meant? Something like “I don’t view myself as having secrets. It feels interesting that you do and I feel intrigued to know what you mean by that.”

    Or something like that. I find that my interpretations of other people’s thoughts are usually wrong and based on my own NVs.



  252.  #252Tam on July 10, 2012 at 9:43 am

    251 Pamelala…it has been a topic since we met. He does not trust women, and he makes that quite clear, he had problems, was abandoned by his mother and he was badly burnt by his last relationship.
    I realised something stops him from jumping into it wholeheartedly…and I had figured that he still does not trust me. After two years of knowing me. But it’s because he never fully committed to me so of course I dated other men…that’s what makes him suspicious…again, those are his issues and not mine. It just makes me feel sad, because of course I feel he can trust me.
    He is very cautious with everything he does, all about security….and he is telling me in no uncertain terms that I am not safe. I know him well enough.



  253.  #253Starla on July 10, 2012 at 9:44 am

    I am really incredible. And I look cute in these clothes today. I listen to interesting things on youtube while I’m working. I’m nothing ordinary at all.



  254.  #254Ladybird on July 10, 2012 at 9:55 am

    Hi Tereana,

    I don’t have time to post on here often, I occassionally read and post but then don’t get time to follow-up on the blog 🙁 Your 247 post resonated with me so I felt compelled to respond and hope you don’t mind?

    I do a lot of sport and endurance stuff which could be seen as masculine, I run marathons too, doing 3 in 3 days next month, triathlon, have a 1/2 iron man in Sep and a full iron man next year. I feel I probably scare a lot of men away because of that as perhaps they feel they cannot ‘compete’ with me but I’m just doing things that I enjoy. Last week a new CD asked me if the fact he had only done 1 marathon and 1 half marathon was good enough for me but also says that I inspire him to go out and run and do more and he loves the fact that I am so sporty 😉 Another CD is a marathon runner and we share experiences and he asks what my times are and says I’m doing the things he dreams of doing. Other guys could be scared off so they are NOT the men for me. I want a man who encourages me in the things I enjoy and if someone mentions running, why not mention what you enjoy and are passionate about as that is part of who you are? I feel if that triggers them then that is their work to address, what do you think? 😉

    I live an super-busy life, I work full-time, study and have to train for 3 sports and I have a coach so can’t slack off training, run a house, see friends and family and try to fit in dates. I feel some things in life have to run to a schedule to maintain order and be efficient but more importantly to tell me where the time is to schedule the things I love and enjoy. I also feel planning in advance helps to ensure I see the people I want to spend time with. I also schedule ‘me time’ into my diary where I just allow myself to do whatever I want, chill etc. I try not to look at it in relation to ‘time’ but space in my day/week. I don’t know your working hrs etc and what free time you have so could be misunderstanding your situation. My diary is packed every week so I usually need to cancel a training session to fit in a date but that’s ok as dating also feels important to me 😉

    I have friends who don’t work so have a lot more free time than me but don’t do half as much. Life is for living so I feel it’s important to fill it with all the juicy stuff that makes you happy 🙂

    Have you just finished a marathon or do you have one coming up?



  255.  #255Brandylion on July 10, 2012 at 9:57 am

    Lily Medusa, can you send me your emotional release therapist’s info too? Or Daria, can you send it to me on Facebook once you get it? Seeking help can’t hurt!



  256.  #256Emerson on July 10, 2012 at 9:59 am

    Ive been really blue the last couple days and voila today I started my period.

    I called to follow up on a business matter yesterday and I found myself being really agressive and restraining from expressing anger but I”m sure it came thru. I tend to get really weepy/angry a day or two before my period and somebody ends up getting the blow.

    I don’t know how to control it. I know there are herbal remedies and you’re supp to avoid caffeine/chocolate but I have not kicked my caffeine habit and the thought of facing a day with no coffee is hard. 🙄

    I really need some positive change and I’ve felt kind of hopeless the past couple days.

    Sorry if my posts sound like a repeating loop I’m just dumping on here to try and process it out and get a grip on my patterns.

    I’ve been feeling hopeless. I know it has mostly to do with my job situation because I lost my “real” job due to circumstances beyond my control. The company is downsizing so I was downsized. I’m so bummed because I really liked the job a lot.

    I was assured it was not my performance or anything like that and I know that is true but it still feels like a blow like “bye we don’t need you cuz you are not good enough bye bye!!”



  257.  #257Ladybird on July 10, 2012 at 10:01 am

    Starla, I’ve read some of your posts on and off over the past couple of months. I feel you are creating a super life for yourself and some super guy is gonna come along and whisk you off your feet girl! Keep up the super work as I feel you are growing so much as a woman and good things are ahead for you! You are inspirtional……



  258.  #258Starla on July 10, 2012 at 10:05 am

    i’m finding the guys i talk to and who are in my world – none of whom are athletes – are expressing a lot of attraction for my sporty, active lifestyle. But I talk about it in a very passionate, feminine way. When you giggle and tell a guy “omgoooodness, I feel amazed with myself! I ran 5 miles for the first time and it felt so fun and easy hehe I feel all buzzy and excited,” it screams “ALL GIRL”



  259.  #259Starla on July 10, 2012 at 10:10 am

    Aw, thank you, Ladybird:):):) I feel so excited reading that!



  260.  #260Daria on July 10, 2012 at 10:28 am

    Emerson – I notice that before my period a lot of stuff comes up for healing and if I let myself feel it gently it’s healed for good after



  261.  #261Ladybird on July 10, 2012 at 10:32 am

    This blog starts with – “Without open, truthful and clear communication, we are left in the dark. This darkness is where our fears are given strength, our doubts given power and our trust becomes fragile. It is during these times when you or your partner may seek the ears (and hearts) of another who IS available to talk with you and who wants to hear and understand you.”
    Wow, my doubts have been given power and trust became fragile by a lack of good honest communication in the past. I even stated on my online profile months ago that ‘good, open & honest communication is critical for a good relationship’, I feel blessed I learned from my past……
    Thank you for this!



  262.  #262Emerson on July 10, 2012 at 10:36 am

    260 thanks Daria!
    I feel happy when I see that I’m starting my period because it feels like a release…
    I like having my period, it sounds weird.

    I hope today and the rest of the week are better, I always feel better after it starts.



  263.  #263Femininewoman on July 10, 2012 at 10:44 am

    Tam with that history I believe he would have abandonment issues and would possibly be attracted to women who would cheat. However if I had received that message I would play with it and say something like “I mostly feel mysterious like a goddess, a mermaid playing in her ocean. I feel open to sharing that with whoever chooses to join me”.

    Use every opportunity to practice feeling messages and poetry to engage you creative juices.



  264.  #264Rebecca on July 10, 2012 at 11:00 am

    Wow, I love this:

    “I mostly feel mysterious like a goddess, a mermaid playing in her ocean. I feel open to sharing that with whoever chooses to join me”.



  265.  #265Brandylion on July 10, 2012 at 11:04 am

    Lily Medusa, I feel so sheepish! I forgot to include my email address: brandylion37@yahoo.com.



  266.  #266Emerson on July 10, 2012 at 11:08 am

    Brandylion and sirens…if you put your email on here just be aware that anyone who has your email address can google your email and find your comments and associate them with you. Not sure if you care or if it’s an alternate email…just fyi.



  267.  #267Brandylion on July 10, 2012 at 11:10 am

    Ugh, sirens, I did a Jillian Michaels’ Yoga Meltdown workout last night, and my back and buns are sore today! It’s not the most awful pain ever, but I am rarely so aware of those muscles!

    It was step 1 to getting back into a daily exercise habit. That was such a HUGE part of why I felt so great a year ago; I feel hopeful it will help me get back there!

    (((my back)))
    (((my buns)))



  268.  #268Dominique on July 10, 2012 at 11:20 am

    Emerson – If you want to try some herbal remedies, a great, very gentle, subtle, yet powerful one is motherwort. In tincture is best. You can take this all the time if you want but cycling is usually better for herbs. This is good for any age.

    Thirties or younger do well with evening primrose oil. Capsules are fine.

    Forty and over can try black cohosh with or without mexican yam (an herb). Tincture is great or organic, bulk herb added to foods or smoothies for the bc, mexican yam in cream form is preferred.

    Anyone can benefit from red clover (in infusion).

    xxoo



  269.  #269Smile on July 10, 2012 at 11:38 am

     sirens I’m mostly full of positivity and I feel proud of how far I’ve come.

    I’m missing strumming now at the min.

    I miss coming home to him to his warm embrace.

    I miss him making me tea.

    I miss talking to him.

    I miss resting on the sofa with him

    Time to shift this longing feeling…



  270.  #270Starla on July 10, 2012 at 12:05 pm

    Brandylion, that workout sounds awesome. I want to check it out.



  271.  #271Brandylion on July 10, 2012 at 12:36 pm

    Starla, they are both good (the DVD has Levels 1 & 2, and has beginner modifications within each workout). They’re neither one geared for the reflective/meditative aspect of yoga; they are totally geared for moving your body into and out of poses, some difficult, and working up a sweat!

    I felt so good and accomplished and strong being able to do the whole DVD, almost all the poses at the advanced level, a year ago! And that is part of why I was more toned all over then. 🙂



  272.  #272Brandylion on July 10, 2012 at 12:42 pm

    Grrrr. I keep thinking that if PriestCD doesn’t want to be my friend after all, or if his new girlfriend doesn’t want him to be my friend, he should just tell me.

    But he is telling me he doesn’t want to be my friend after all, because he’s not contacting me.

    No communication is still communication.

    Superficial Facebook friends it is. 🙁



  273.  #273Starla on July 10, 2012 at 12:51 pm

    Brandylion, I can’t be friends with my exes if I still have feelings wrapped up in them, even if they’re just hurt/angry feelings and I’m no longer wanting them.



  274.  #274Starla on July 10, 2012 at 12:53 pm

    You know what’s really interesting about CL? He has yet to ask for a photo of me. Weird… but refreshing. Or maybe he’s a mongoloid so he doesn’t want me asking for his? But I have a feeling he’s not. I think we’re both two people who feel fine about our looks and don’t worry about it.



  275.  #275Starla on July 10, 2012 at 1:08 pm

    woah, CL just sent me an email about himself that makes my heart go pitter patter. i am glad i didn’t give up on him prematurely over the stupid phone stuff.



  276.  #276Sunshine on July 10, 2012 at 1:45 pm

    I feel so disinterested in dating…i unsubscribed to match.com…i dont know whats going on with myself. I feel bored and disinterested. I feel annoyed even, one guy called me yesterday and he seemed distracted and I told him I feel ackward and like the conversation is not flowing and he said that his computer is damaged and was trying to fix it while talking to me. Its dumb and a small thing but I dont even feel like meeting him on our first date tomorrow. I just feel downright nothing disinterest, bored and slightly annoyed but not even angry because I feel lazy…i do feel a little worried for myself..am I gonna end up alone? probably not but I will take a dating break after tomorrow if there are no “amazing sparks” lol



  277.  #277Brandylion on July 10, 2012 at 1:50 pm

    Starla, I’ve never tried being friends with an ex before this, given that I only have one other, and he and I had much less in common than PriestCD and I do.

    Him still having feelings wrapped up in me is certainly not an issue, with him having a new girlfriend.

    Any feelings I have wrapped up in him are actually fading. I mostly just feel sad about him right now. I would feel bad if I contacted *anyone* and was blown off in Facebook chat and didn’t get an email reply for several days.



  278.  #278Sunshine on July 10, 2012 at 1:52 pm

    I would also like to add something about my general experience with match.com….I DO NOT LIKE FAKE HUMORING FROM MEN. this is anything from “oh thats interesting”…”oh really?wow thats soooo awesome.” I dont like hearing thats sooo awesome after im just saying “im eating a sandwich” or “just chillin at home” hahaha and bs like that mostly not genuine and just a way to humor the ladies with little liners after a statement. I am starting to feel my anger I dont like fake men who feel they have to say and act an appropriate way when its false…it makes me wonder about their intentions and if they are just saying what they always say. I dont like exaggerated romance before even meeting me sigh maybe there is something wrong with me but I cant stand fake bs just be yourself.



  279.  #279Starla on July 10, 2012 at 2:00 pm

    Brandylion, i mean you feeling anything aside from indifference towards him, regardless of who he is or what they’re doing or not doing.

    I suggest unfriend-block-No Contact.

    But generally this suggestion is met with a lot of resistance.



  280.  #280Smile on July 10, 2012 at 2:11 pm

    Do any sirens have any ‘getting to sleep advice’ normally I would shift my NVs by getting out the house but it’s hard when it’s bedtime. Ive not had them in a long time but they have crept in.



  281.  #281lk on July 10, 2012 at 2:23 pm

    smile, maybe you could write in your journal ?

    i like to do a page of what’s “bothering” me… then a page where i list what’s important to me & draw or write about what i want to happen with those things or my intentions around them… then a page of self-love & self-cuddles where i build my good dreams up : ))

    good night : )))



  282.  #282Starla on July 10, 2012 at 2:28 pm

    280 smile, i like going to youtube and typing in the search bar “sleep meditation” or “sleep hypnosis” and it brings back guided meditations and music and stuff. it’s all very lovely!



  283.  #283Smile on July 10, 2012 at 2:36 pm

    Thankyou lk and Starla.

    These both feel like useful new ideas to try. Much appreciated.

    night



  284.  #284Dominique on July 10, 2012 at 2:42 pm

    Smile – Writing down all that you feel thankful for on this day, even the smallest thing can be helpful.

    xxoo



  285.  #285Starla on July 10, 2012 at 2:44 pm

    Great idea, Dominique!

    And I used to thank myself every night here for doing things for myself throughout the day. That helps a lot.



  286.  #286Starla on July 10, 2012 at 2:58 pm

    Awww, ladies!! I feel like gushing. CL really pays attention to what ‘makes me tick’ and offers awesome suggestions for dates. We’re getting together on Sunday.

    This guy just needed a little bit of time to find his bearings with me, and I’m so glad I was a little patient with him!



  287.  #287Emerson on July 10, 2012 at 3:13 pm

    Thanks Dominique you always have such great advice about herbal remedies (and everything else too) thank you!!!!

    I feel thankful for friends I networked with today who are trying to help me find a job. They are so nice and treated me to lunch today and were really pushing for me to get hired at their company! We shall see what happens…as they are not the decision makers but they do have influence so hmmm….



  288.  #288Femininewoman on July 10, 2012 at 3:17 pm

    Starla is that the one from Craiglist? I feel curious bcus in the past ladies here were skeptical about CL men.



  289.  #289Tam on July 10, 2012 at 3:17 pm

    FW – thank you. Actually I had just been on my date and after I came back I found a message from MrU saying that yes, I was secretive – with him anyway (so he says). And I know why he would think that…because I try to keep information from him that I thought would harm him or make him run from me – totally stupid and how it has backfired. Very interesting. Here is a man who tells us that Rori is right: be open, speak the truth and a man feels safe.
    Keep closed and he does not feel safe.
    I am so surprised.
    I feel sad that he does not trust me.



  290.  #290Tam on July 10, 2012 at 3:20 pm

    I would like to know what I could do so he perceives me as less secretive. I feel he is talking about my brick wall. I feel misunderstood. 🙁



  291.  #291Starla on July 10, 2012 at 3:29 pm

    FW, CL in my city is awesome. I’ve met lots of guys from there and they’re all nice and still in touch. One friend i made from there is actually going to this japanese class with me tonight. it’s the only site i’ve met guys off of.
    i hear it sucks in other cities.



  292.  #292Jasmine on July 10, 2012 at 3:32 pm

    Sirens,

    Do I need an e-reader or any type of program to purchase Rori’s ebook?



  293.  #293FlowerChild77 on July 10, 2012 at 3:34 pm

    No. The book is a pdf file. 🙂



  294.  #294Emerson on July 10, 2012 at 3:48 pm

    Sunshine 278 regarding match.com and pof etc…all the online sites…..I know what you are talking about. It feels like corresponding with a lot of these guys seems like a “waste of time” and I feel bad saying that.

    I feel better meeting guys in person so I want to join some meetup.com groups instead and see how that goes…just to meet new friends and you never know….

    I have had a lot of “duds” (I feel bad saying that) whom I’ve met online and only one guy have I had more than one date with….and then I found out he and his ex were in a bitter custody battle so I backed off and I wasn’t that interested anyway.

    A lot of the other guys were “nice” but it was just akward meeting them partly becaues I have such a hard time being “open” and “vulnerable” and also because a lot of these guys are VERY VERY inexperienced with dating!!! Like um hello you asked me on a date you should pay??? And I am not your Mommy and don’t need to give you directions to Applebees????

    Oh jeez…it seems they have never been taught by their dads or society how to be the proper masculine role. (((men))) God help us.

    That’s partly why I feel like we have such a hard time as men and women trying to relate because our gender roles are SOO confused and there are no “rules” anymore. If we act like ‘FEMININE’ women some men have NO IDEA AT ALL how to react to it and it’s akward and soooo very off putting…



  295.  #295Esteemed on July 10, 2012 at 4:18 pm

    My so-called pet-friendly landlord is throwing me a curve. I have a signed lease, and he is adding a 5 page pet addendum, saying he will evict me if I don’t sign it and comply. It has all sorts of costly things in it, like adding a $100 nonrefundable pet deposit per pet. And the original lease said 2 dogs and 3 cats. Now he is saying just 2 pets. He is a weasel.



  296.  #296Vi on July 10, 2012 at 5:21 pm

    Lily Medusa, could I have your emotional release therapist’s contact info too? I feel my heart sinking when reading your story – I relate to it so much… it would feel so good if you could write me healinggoddessparadise@gmail.com. Thank you!



  297.  #297Vi on July 10, 2012 at 5:22 pm

    281 – I feel excited to try this! : ) Thanks LK for sharing!



  298.  #298FlowerChild77 on July 10, 2012 at 5:38 pm

    (((((Esteemed))))) I’m sorry to hear you are going through this. I know how much your pets mean to you <3

    Can you check with your state's tenant/landlord rules (consumer protection) to see if he can change the rules like this? I can totally understand a pet deposit—–but not a 'non-refundable' one. That seems excessive.

    Is he unhappy about something else, perhaps, and using this as an excuse to gain control over the situation?



  299.  #299Brandylion on July 10, 2012 at 5:57 pm

    Emerson, your concern feels warm and soft.

    This Yahoo account is just for dating, and I only send emails to men through dating sites. I have other accounts for personal things. 🙂



  300.  #300Miss Bells on July 10, 2012 at 7:08 pm

    It’s 7 PM. HS has not coming back from his little escapade. I feel very apprehensive.



  301.  #301Miss Bells on July 10, 2012 at 7:41 pm

    He is getting smaller and smaller. He is shrinking into a strange little man not worthy of my notice. I will be out of here soon enough…



  302.  #302Autumn on July 10, 2012 at 7:56 pm

    LobbyStar

    That is such a hard situation. You are so strong to be able to see him all the time. I think that situation would drive me insane and would push me towards masculine energy. Do you think there is any hope for a relationship with Cy? I am tempted to say that he must have had deep feelings for u to treat u like a gf again but I have learned that some close guy friends can do that without intending on acting on it 🙁 I hope you can work out what to do with him.

    I know exactly what you mean. I was taught that I had to go after what I wanted, be independent; I never liked waiting around for people to make decisions when I could be making them, esp. when I could make the decisions better and faster lol. I have through blocking him on fb have made a massive amount of positive changes and its only been a few days! I am excited to see how much more I will learn and grow. One thing is for sure, being in masculine energy feels really really bad and just comes with so much stress and anxiety and pain. I am determined to work on developing and nurturing my feminine energy. Thank you for sharing your story LobbyStar.

    Jasmine

    WOW. I can’t believe he just hugged u like that and you never heard from him again. Ok I can see your point, I have to give up closure. I already feel so much better about and towards myself for not being so worked up over him and obsessing so much. It was really unhealthy and I felt sick all the time. How do you think you will feel when you see him again once the semester starts again??? From what LobbyStar said and your own story it seems we ladies fall back into the same habits with men when we take a break and then see them again. I guess I am lucky because I don’t see him and have nothing similar with him so chances of running into him are zero to none. I hope you are strong enough by the time you see him again. Thanks for being so supportive. I am determined to put myself first and not to give up.

    I just saw your other post  glad you are having a good morning.



  303.  #303LobbyStar on July 10, 2012 at 9:09 pm

    302 Autumn

    Sometimes I feel like I am on the verge of getting through to Cy. What I mean by that is connecting to his heart. Cy and I have everything we need to have a fantastic r’ship, except that emotional connection, which is something I believe we both crave. We were very close to having that when we dated, and I suppose I screwed it up with my masculine energy.

    Other times, I feel discouraged that we will never be what I want us to be. I do still struggle with my boy energy. I love my boy, but sometimes I just want him to shut up for awhile!

    So tomorrow Cy and I are going on a bike ride together to train for the triathlon. I plan to FM the crap outta him. 😉



  304.  #304Starla on July 10, 2012 at 9:23 pm

    My comment 279 – I was in Japanese class tonight and it dawned on me that I wasn’t giving advice in the Rori preferred way! Oops! I intend to change this up.
    <3



  305.  #305Starla on July 10, 2012 at 9:30 pm

    I had an amazing night at a restaurant with my guy friend. this is a friend i spent some time in Europe with. We sat at a community table and connected with everyone there, and made new friends and shared food. And my friend was soooo sweet – he loves to ride his bike to everything ever, but he told me, “I brought my car so you wouldn’t have to take the bus home.”

    I am in such a better place than I was a month ago. It really does get better. Just keep voting for you and don’t beat yourself up for dwelling on a dude… let yourself feel and don’t judge yourself. And it will get better, as long as you keep taking care of yourself.



  306.  #306Autumn on July 10, 2012 at 10:28 pm

    LobbyStar
    Your post made me laugh. Cy has no idea what is coming tomorrow lol. I feel like you are close to having something great with him. I feel that boy energy is so impatient and always jumps the gun with me too. I am reading Roris stuff to be able to balance the two. I wonder if a man exists that actually enjoys being pursued by a girl??? Surely there must be some out there lol… I know you are strong enough to balance the two energies. It would be so worth it too. Are you seeing other people at the moment?

    Good luck tomorrow and let me know how the day out 🙂



  307.  #307Tereana on July 10, 2012 at 11:29 pm

    Starla, that sounds great with your guy friend!

    ~

    So….okay. If a guy gets out of your way, then he’s doing you a favor. Why does it have to feel kinda crappy? Lol

    I just talked to this guy on Skype a couple of times (nothing raunchy). Then nothing.

    I swear, I can literally *feel* it when a guy decides not to talk to me. And it’s not anxiety. It’s like a very certain knowing. And I don’t want to know what I know. It’s just true. The same way I can feel when a guy is coming toward me, and that feels good.

    You know, even if I know it’s for the best, it still feels…ugh. I don’t like that.

    It would feel so much better to keep that water wheel flowing toward me…always!

    Luckily, even if that one guy moves away, there’s still a bunch of water wheels flowing in my direction. I got serenaded on the bus today. I had a great time talking to women at work. I made some money. It all felt really good!

    Lucky for me (and all of us), my life and my happiness does not depend on *one guy*. He’s just a guy. My life is…my life. I get to live it, or I don’t.

    I am scared to go home. I feel nervous to see my family. But it will all be okay. They’ll be happy to see me. I just don’t feel that way. It brings up so much anxiety and trepidation. I’m feeling a bit snippy with people. The opposite of open. Le sigh…it will all be over soon. (feels like a “procedure.” lol)



  308.  #308Daria on July 10, 2012 at 11:29 pm

    sometimes when i was in feminine energy, my father critcized me or attacked me and it felt shocking and traumatic

    my family criticizes me when im in feminine energy

    i intend to heal and shift these beliefs



  309.  #309Tereana on July 10, 2012 at 11:45 pm

    Ladybird –

    Thanks for your response in 254! (I think I have the right number – it was about running). I feel super impressed that you do all that running. But that level of running is not for me, and I was open about that.

    The point isn’t that I run and it’s scary. I actually don’t run all that much – not since the marathon, which was several years ago. He runs right now, and we were talking about that. The issue was that, in context, it seemed to feel as if I was maybe “one-upping” him. And maybe I wasn’t. It just should have been a conversation about him, not me.

    Running wasn’t the only issue that came up, but it was an easy one to pinpoint. It was the general sense of “competition” that concerned me. You or whomever can definitely do whatever you do that makes you happy, and that’s not competitive. It gets competitive if or when you try to make whatever it is that you do somehow “better” or “more” or “bigger” that what someone else is doing. It’s the mechanism of “belittling” the other person.

    I come from a family in which both of my parents have pretty big self-esteem issues. And so, what happens with that, is that in any way that they feel insecure, they have to “belittle” someone else, in order to feel better. And that was often us kids, or each other. I don’t want to be the one to pass this on, because it stinks, and it’s a lousy way to have a relationship (correction: it is NO way to have a relationship). Right now I am just noticing that I have this as an automatic reaction in a discussion sometimes. (maybe more when I’m tired?)

    But thanks for the support on being active! I’m glad it spoke to you in whatever way. And maybe I can be a little less self-conscious of my own achievements. The truth is, I’m proud of myself. I’m glad that I completed a marathon. I proved to myself that I could do it, when I set my mind to it. So it feels like I can do anything that I really commit to….



  310.  #310Daria on July 10, 2012 at 11:47 pm

    i still feel hela put OFFF when i see this person’s name!

    ugh

    i feel so mad i just feel FURIOUS like someone tried to just HUMILIATE ME UGH I FEEL SO MAD

    HOW DARE THEY!

    i want to destroy them

    i feel so furious

    (wow im really writing this)

    when my sister says this kinda stuff to me it feels horrible

    nut maybe shes at this stage now

    uggh wow!

    yaeah

    ok

    i feel triumphant

    ialso i feel gross this shame calling her my sister when she said dont call her that any more

    like im lower than her

    and i feel resentful

    that i feel lower than her to me in my mind

    🙁

    aand that feels frustrating

    and shameful

    and elusive

    i dont Want to stop placeing her ona pedestal

    i dont want to stop feeling lower than her

    why?

    cuz it gives me something to look at

    so i dont have to look at

    me

    who feels

    sacared

    of

    being humiliataed

    in public

    and dying

    and i love myself

    and i honor all of -this-

    and i give myself persmiison to heal some fo this now

    andi feel very somber

    and grave

    and serious

    and i lvoe myself

    and i love fish

    and cracking my neck

    whcih i hcate

    i feel ahsamed of

    and humiialted and sahened and resentful

    and i love all my feelings

    and i honro all those events

    and im giving myself permission

    to heal and shift some of the beliefs around those now

    like the belief that nicole deserves me to beat her ass

    omg but she literally pushed u over

    i was really an eye for an eye

    and now im moving to non violence

    so she pushed me over

    and i feel furious

    and i punch her in they eye

    and beat her up some

    yeah

    that feels good

    and hse leeaves crying

    and then my neck hurts

    and i feel guilty

    that maybe she didnt even do it on prupsoe

    butg she did that jealous bit*ch

    she was jealous of me

    ugh

    i felt this mistrust of her

    i want to heal this

    i honor this story

    about nicole

    and im willing to find out what the healing is in this

    she was not careful enough – n she hurt me

    or she resented me and acted out by hurting me

    i feel tingels all through my body

    about that

    and i felt so shocked

    and ashamed that i hadnt known to protect myself

    hmmm

    ahhh

    aaaahhhhhhh

    eerrghhhff

    i feel confused

    she pushed me

    i never trusted her again

    i judged her as doing it on purppose

    thinking that makes me feel all tingly and have thoughs of beating her ass

    and makes my body feel rigid

    i want to heal this

    how do i not blame her

    i feel stuck

    i feel frustrated and trapped

    i feel sooooo uncomfortable with what happened

    and how bad i got hurt

    and it didnt feel acknoweldged

    by anyone but me

    who knows i coulda died

    ***someone shoudl be punished***

    i dont want to punish

    wow

    thanks

    ok

    wow that feels better

    it hapened

    and it just happeend

    maybe she tried to kill me

    THATS WHAT I THOUGHT IN MY HEAD!!!

    or

    she coulda killed me

    she didnt take me seriously

    PEOPLE DONT TAKE ME SERIOUSLY

    /or RESPECT ME!

    cuz im FEMININE

    UGH

    i feel furuious

    i want to beat her up

    how dare she

    i feel pinched in my cheek

    i feel ty0phoooned

    i ant to feel slwo again and i feel like a fast runing hurricane

    panic1

    quicikness

    STOP

    did something else without noticing

    was it boredom from awareness

    or i was itneneding awarenes so it could be an addictive behavior to distract

    or help me relax

    mmm

    i do feel better and mroe relaxed

    a man sent me a quickvoice message 🙂



  311.  #311Tereana on July 10, 2012 at 11:53 pm

    I want to share two lessons that I’ve been burning to share on the blog lately:

    Lesson #1) the Kitten

    I got a kitten recently. And I’ve noticed something when I’m playing with her, with the big toy on a string. When she’s in “hunting” mode, she’ll often do this thing, right after she “catches” the toy – she’ll actually get up and nonchalantly walk away. If you didn’t know better, you would think she was done playing. But not so! All I have to do is start moving the toy around, and a few seconds later, she will “re-engage” – she’ll turn around and pounce on the toy!

    This made m think of guys…like when guys are in “hunting mode,” part of that might include nonchalantly “walking away” as if they don’t care…but really they are just watching us to see what we do. If we can somehow still be “active” right where we are, he might just turn around and “pounce” again. If we “chase,” he’ll run away. And he’ll keep going till he finds another fun thing to pounce on. But while he’s engaged with us, he likes us…and the fact that he walks away (doing that “rubber band” thing) isn’t evidence to the contrary…based on kitten behavior.

    lol. Does that make sense???



  312.  #312Daria on July 10, 2012 at 11:55 pm

    Esteemed – that’s probably illegal, Find the law and write a letter in which you mention you are open to settling it through legal action, or if the law is followed ur open to continue the original agreement.



  313.  #313Daria on July 11, 2012 at 12:00 am

    OMLG TEREANA ! I LVOE YOUR KITTEN TOOL!

    yeah! he walks away bored after a ‘catch”

    but if i do amazing things with my life he instantly gets recurious and pounces again

    and again and again 🙂



  314.  #314Daria on July 11, 2012 at 12:02 am

    i love how hunting mode might be like nonchalantly walking away

    eeeh

    i find guys move away physically when they’re puzzled with me

    im daign this guy who asks me what to do on dates but is very giving and listens and i feel heard



  315.  #315Tereana on July 11, 2012 at 12:04 am

    Lesson #2) The Bees

    (Mel, you might like this one!)

    So, as some of you know, I am a some-time beekeeper, though I haven’t had a hive in a while. My bees took off over a year ago, and I wasn’t ready for another hive yet.

    Well, this spring, some beekeeping friends of mine offered to split one of their hives and give me some bees. So I said yes! But along the way, they were having some trouble getting a queen in the baby hive. And on my end, I just didn’t feel prepared, in terms of equipment, and cleaning out my old hive box. The box has been sitting under the porch for the last year, and the wax was getting kind of gross.

    One day, I noticed some bees flying around outside the box, and I noticed there was a chink between two of the boxes. I closed up the chink and checked inside – no bees. They must have just been scavengers. But I cleaned out some frames. Not all the frames. I did about half of it. But I was going to get bees at the end of the month. There was time (this was several weeks ago).

    Then, about two weeks ago, I saw even more bees flying around. This time I was sure: a swarm hive actually just moved into my old hive box. Wow!

    So here’s the moral of the story: I was getting ready to host some bees. I thought I knew exactly where they were coming from, and I trusted the source, but there were some delays. On my end, I didn’t feel “ready.” I didn’t feel “prepared.” I didn’t feel that the space was “clean enough” and I wanted to do more. But then one day – BAM! despite all that, the bees moved in. Bees from another, totally different, and invisible source. Healthy bees that are cleaning the old wax for me. I don’t even have to do much work.

    All I had to do then was move the hive to a better location. And that’s it! This healthy, thriving hive, just wants to live there.

    So I guess…you might think you know where love is coming from. You might be patient or impatient with the delays. You might even be grateful, because you might not feel quite ready yourself. But then, one day – just like that – love might move into the space you have waiting for it. Even if you think that space is old and dirty and used up and inhabitable. Love wants to live where it chooses. And if you have that hive box there – your heart – it might just decide to live there.

    Ok, I hope you like my stories. Good night!! : )



  316.  #316Daria on July 11, 2012 at 12:05 am

    i can be ‘mean’ like mom and a bully like dad

    i want to heal this

    i cried when i asked if i was mean when im upset and he said yeah

    it felt like sooo much practice today omg

    im like

    drained and yet feeling like ive healed and now resting



  317.  #317Daria on July 11, 2012 at 12:22 am

    Tereana – “You might be patient or impatient with the delays. You might even be grateful, because you might not feel quite ready yourself. But then, one day – just like that – love might move into the space you have waiting for it. Even if you think that space is old and dirty and used up and inhabitable. ”

    omg this feels so inspiring

    this spoke to me so much cuz i was afraid i was too mean to be worthy of love right now… thank you!

    wow

    even if i think its dirty used and uninhabitable

    aww

    wow

    my body is reacting to reading this



  318.  #318Tam on July 11, 2012 at 12:24 am

    I had a huge revelation last night and I would really like to thank Femininewoman and everybody else on this blog – of course Rori. I think this might be of interest to some, maybe all of you.

    Last night that the man I called Mr Unavailable made the biggest gift to me any man ever made…he pointed out to me – unknowingly – that it is me who is unavailable emotionally. He is probably also, but this is beside the point, he said:
    ‘you are secreteive – with me anyway’. He said what also femininewoman said, that he ran against my brick wall, basically.

    All this time I concentrated – two years – running in his brick wall….I demasculated him when he had a tough time, by trying to help, running in his door, not leaving him be in his mancave. I did indeed cut his balls off several times proving that I was strong and nothing could hurt me etc., and I even said to him once ‘I kept this from you because I did not want to stress you bla bla’. He wanted to be my rock and I turned him into a wet blanket. I was angry with him for not opening up, not telling me how he felt about me, even though I pushed him.

    And now, after two years he gives me the greatest gift by telling me basically: Tam, I do not feel safe to open up to you, because you never open up to me (you are secretive – to me).
    I was proving to him all this time that I was a man and that I was waiting for him to open up and be the woman – he is the most masculine man you can ever meet. Yet I was ‘outmanning’ him , being the one who never opened up. I thought I did, but it was just pretending.

    I cried all night about this, not about the man but about me. I felt so sad for me that I was not brave enough to open up and be vulnerable, that I searched all the time for what was wrong and made him wrong, when in fact I could have worked on me.

    Suddenly it all falls into place. I am the unavailable one. I need to work on me and not on him.
    I hope me posting this can help someone here. I judged him as toxic because of some of his strange behaviours that made me feel ‘less than’. Most of this was about me, I was getting triggered and shut down more and more.
    In fact, I now believe this is a good man. I want to accept him as an available and a good man until he proves me wrong. I want to stay open and date other men also, to see if I can work on me.

    After I read it twice (he told me twice that yes, he thinks I am secretive to him), I decided to go one step further than last time. I knew he also referred to a particular incident – and although I know this might be what Rori refers to as explaining, the fact that he referred to it made me want to tell him everything about it. So I did. It does not make me look good but it makes me look human – it is me, and I also don’t care anymore whether he thinks less of me because my exercise was to open up regardless.
    At the end I told him that I feel sad but thankful that he told me about the secrecy thing, and that I felt so happy feeling that someone might be interested in my secrets.
    I also told him that all I ever learnt was to be strong and go my way and to pretend all is fine when nothing is fine and that I feel like I just want to crash and feel safe to be able to open up and share my visions and dreams and fears with someone I can trust.

    I realise that what Rori said is true. We have to open up first. here’s a man who even tells us. How invaluable. And now? I have opened up twice and he has yet to open up about how he actually feels about me. He may never, but I have given him the space..I feel very proud of myself, because it was one of the hardest things I ever did. I dropped the front, I bombed my brickwall. And this is some of what he said after my first bombing of the brickwall a few days ago in the email I ‘never’ opened:

    ‘wow – what a revelation.. hadn’t known’

    and after my come clean from last night, where I managed to open up further and really showed my vulnerable side and told him stuff that I would not have told him because I FEARED it would make him think less of me – I have not heard anything yet.
    I had mentioned again that perhaps I can’t stay friends because it feels painful to always come back to ‘just being friends’.
    He might be shocked at my ‘come clean’, he might go into his man cave for days, weeks. He might poof (well, he won’t). I feel like I do not care because at least I am not secretive anymore, I opened up, I challenged myself not to stay ‘Mrs Unavailable’ and wait for him to open up. It does not matter what he does. I broke down my brick wall…maybe for the first time in my life. I feel so teary and so happy…

    thank you all for helping me break down my brickwall…thank you MrU also. (((blog))) (((MrU))) ((((me)))) I feel anxious – where do I go from here? What do I do with the remainder of my brick wall and the ruins? It will be ok.



  319.  #319Daria on July 11, 2012 at 12:25 am

    my parents want me to help them not be scared about me

    awwww



  320.  #320Daria on July 11, 2012 at 12:27 am

    i wonder how i could hellp them

    that actually sounds like it woudl feel fun



  321.  #321Daria on July 11, 2012 at 12:31 am

    I just wanna hug my lil bra and encourage him

    and yet if i think about hugging him it becomes sexual

    i want to see him doing well and feel comfortable with my relationship with him in our family



  322.  #322Daria on July 11, 2012 at 12:33 am

    i felt ashamed and wante dto explain its not my blood brother

    but i guess thats why my sis is worried, cuz its not, and cuz she can tell it can become sexual

    and i dont want that i want to get away from any kinda romantic sexual relationship with a guy my sis likes

    especially the father of her children

    and i also want to encourage him and see him happy and a good father to his childrean nad a good man to her

    and i can see this!

    i can have this happen and im learnign these boundareis now and im doing EXCEEDINGLY well at them



  323.  #323Esteemed on July 11, 2012 at 1:04 am

    FlowerChild,

    298 – Thank you! I think he is upset because he probably saw the kittens. I have three kittens, and as he has been coming to work on the house next door for about a month now, I have been hiding the kittens each time. Finally on Sunday, after hiding them in the hot shed for 3 hours, I needed to leave for church, and I just couldn’t leave them in there all day. And I couldn’t leave them in my bedroom because one of them was peeing on my $2000 bed. So I just left them in the house. My guess is he saw them thru the window after I left.

    Also, I made the mistake of mentioning in conversation how bad fleas are this year. I mean, that is no fault of mine! It was a mild winter and it just is. And I told him I’ve been treating for fleas every two weeks an bug bombing the house about once a month. I’m doing all I can, within my budget, but I know it was an issue to him.

    He has been more than fair with me up til now, doing things that most landlords wouldn’t dream of: giving me a lawn mower, fixing my dryer, helping me put up my fence, offering to install a dog door if I buy it.

    But my previous neighbors got on his bad side when he was out of work and behind on rent. And he treated them horribly! He had the sheriff’s notice of eviction and court removed from his door, so my neighbor didn’t even know about the court date; he lied and said my neighbor stole all sorts of things that he didn’t. My neighbor was behind about $2000, and the landlord sued him for $12,000.

    I talked with K, and he said just keep him chilled out. Let him know the cats are going to be spayed on the 17th (I made an appointment at a spay clinic for cheap), and that I need time to get the documentation together for licenses, shots, etc.

    But I’m pretty sure it’s illegal to change a lease once it’s been signed. But K said if I refuse to do it, he’ll just call the animal control authorities on me, and I’ll end up with fines and all sorts of trouble for not having licenses for them. And I wouldn’t put that past him at all.

    But the way he handled it felt like being ambushed and blindsided. His last word to me Sunday was a friendly, “As long as you and your pets are happy and healthy!” I feel frightened. It is really bad timing. He doesn’t know yet that I lost my job. I can’t afford all these licenses, etc right now.



  324.  #324Esteemed on July 11, 2012 at 1:06 am

    Daria,

    312 – Thank you! Yes, that is a good idea, except like I said to FC, he would probably just play hardball and call animal control on me. I am pretty sure it’s illegal.



  325.  #325Esteemed on July 11, 2012 at 1:08 am

    I hope this thing blows over with my landlord, because I am all dug in here. I am playing with the idea of doing work at home office work. A friend gave me a list of websites that have legit work at home jobs. It would mess all that up if I have to move right now. And, without a job, I would be homeless again.



  326.  #326Esteemed on July 11, 2012 at 1:13 am

    Tereana,

    311 – I love it! I think this is partially why R has distanced himself. To see what I would do. And I’m still here. And I feel him coming back strongly in my direction! It feels exciting now!



  327.  #327Daria on July 11, 2012 at 1:13 am

    omg i read the most amazing story, its called Two Old Women

    and its about these athabaskan women who get left behind by their group to die cuz there was no food

    and they work together an survive

    omg it felt SOO movign ive been crying so much all day from this book

    and it feels soo oencouraging and inspiring

    and so amazing how the emotions in the book are understood and embraced

    this book felt sooo healing

    and awesome cuz itsa bout women 75 and 80 and feels amazing to have them as the protagonists wow

    i feel so blessed i got this book at the library today



  328.  #328Daria on July 11, 2012 at 1:14 am

    and how they affeect the whole group

    wow

    just so… moving…a nd deeply real



  329.  #329Daria on July 11, 2012 at 1:15 am

    and how forgiceness happens. what it feels like. has me feeling evern closer to be able to heal my friendships that feel strained



  330.  #330Daria on July 11, 2012 at 1:18 am

    “Taking food to someone who is reading or playing a game or watching a movie and just putting it where he or she can reach it without any instructions, warnings or reminders is a great gift. It is a simple gesture, and a profound service.
    SandraDodd.com/eating/monkeyplatter
    Sandra Dodd”



  331.  #331Autumn on July 11, 2012 at 1:24 am

    i hate fb. For some reason i wanted to check the profile of a guy i was dating months and months ago. I liked him a lot but was SUPER extra masculine energy with him mainly because he was super masculine. anyway he obviously didn’t want to date me.

    His been dating some girl. Just now i had this urge to check his profile and i knew he was in a relationship. Sure enough as soon as i checked BOOM. he is in a relationship with this girl.

    My heart skipped a beat. I feel inadequate, not enough, lacking, inexperienced, sad, desperate. I feel like these other girls know how to play the game and they win. They are never better looking than i am, really, i doubt they are as intelligent either. Yet they always win. My ego is bruised. I wanted to delete him as soon as i saw that but thought that would be really weird. and it made me feel even more crazy. I have no claims over this guy. Why do i feel this way with men? a sense of ownership. Like i have a claim over them, when i don’t and shouldn’t. i really feel triggered 🙁



  332.  #332Esteemed on July 11, 2012 at 1:25 am

    Daria,

    That sounds touching and sad about the book. I read a book that moved me in a similar way: “Left to Tell” by Imaculee Ilibigata. She survived the Rwandan Holocaust by staying in a 3′ x 4′ bathroom with 7 women for three months. They had to remain unbathed, and they had little food, just what a man could slip into them without being noticed.

    Yet her story was so inspiring because she came out with so much faith and hope and forgiveness! The forward in the book was written by Wayne Dyer.



  333.  #333Esteemed on July 11, 2012 at 1:27 am

    Autumn,

    331 – I know that feeling all too well. I try to remember that I only want to compare myself to myself, and I see tremendous growth in me on so many levels over the years.

    And I try to remind myself that I only want ONE man, so there will be a lot of no’s. And that means I am one step closer to MY man, who will love me as I am and be a good match for me.



  334.  #334Esteemed on July 11, 2012 at 1:30 am

    Daria,

    330 – I had the delightful experience of being the recipient of such behavior on New Year’s Day! I was watching my Mom’s favorite movie with her (“Always”) in the living room of her nursing home, when her favorite nurse very thoughtfully brought us each a bowl of ice cream. He quickly and quietly set up TV trays, gave us napkins, and took care to never block our view to the screen! I get tears in my eyes just thinking about that act of kindness!



  335.  #335Autumn on July 11, 2012 at 1:34 am

    Esteemed

    I feel so yuck right now. I hate not feeling good enough. Rejected. Its funny i was actually reading Rori’s post on jealousy today lol. I know you are right, that every experience is bringing me closer towards my ideal One. But still it feels awful right now.

    It’s ok, i will feel it, acknowledge it and move on from it. I will be ok. I am learning.



  336.  #336Daria on July 11, 2012 at 1:35 am

    now i feel tense cuz i wanna flirt with a guy on my status on the social site i meet men, but i feel afraid im gonna turn off the guy i went out with tonite

    cuz he reads those

    but i dont want to feel stunted!

    feeling this way does not feel good and elads me to push away the guy!

    ew

    ugh

    blah



  337.  #337Daria on July 11, 2012 at 1:43 am

    i feel owneership over men i’ve felt connectred to too

    i don’t actually want to give that up

    it makes me simly to think that of myself hehe

    sometiems i feel worried its blocking me from intimacy

    really since it feels sooo heartwarming to me its probably soemthng that is really good for me and voting for me

    ill just go with that for now



  338.  #338Esteemed on July 11, 2012 at 1:44 am

    Tam,

    318 – Wow, congratulations, Siren Woman! I felt sad, yet joyful, reading that. I feel your huge shift. It feels scary to open up, yet I have found in the long term, so much freedom in opening up.

    Daria gave me the courage to open up on the blog. I still giggle every time I think of the time she wrote, “Red vulva…there, I said it!” LOL. It was just so cute, and I realized hey, we are all human. If someone can’t take my openness, then it is not MY issue, but theirs.

    I have experienced much withdrawal with R over the past 3.5 years, also. And I used to feel angry at him. But I find that

    Less Pressure on Relationship = More Openness in R

    I think that is the number one thing I have learned from Rori, to NOT put pressure on a relationship. And I was doing it left and right, in so many ways.

    And more and more, I school myself to just enjoy what R wants to give, and not concern myself with the part of him that is still secretive. We are texting every day or two right now, after his major move in my direction about a week ago. I feel so much more peace with who he is, and as he feels no pressure from me, I feel him opening up and becoming more and more real.

    It felt so freeing along the way to acquaint myself with Rori’s tools, practice them alone, and then practice them in R’s presence. She talked about feeling my shoulders, belly, hips, and what was going on in each place. I felt more in control of myself, just getting in touch with my inner feelings.

    The more I have verbalized these inner, in-the-moment feelings with R, the more I feel safe to do so. After 3 years of studying all things Rori, I feel fluent at connecting with R from my core. I feel free. And Rori’s tools work!! 🙂



  339.  #339Autumn on July 11, 2012 at 1:49 am

    Daria

    Me too. But seeing that status change indicates i have to give up that sense of ownership. We hardly ever spoke anyway. We were barely friends. I wonder if men feel that sense of ownership. Like if i was to change my status would he feel a pang???

    I want to let go.



  340.  #340Tam on July 11, 2012 at 1:57 am

    338 – thank you Esteemed!!
    I feel like I have been putting on a front for 28 years, it started when I was 8 years old. I remember the day.
    I have 28 years of undoing to do.
    And my eyes opened yesterday because a man tells me he doesn’t feel safe with me and suddenly I felt: OMG. If I was him, I’d feel exactly the same.

    The reason why it never occurred to me that I had a problem was that when I was young I had men who were so so good and centered and healthy, that although being masculine men, they did the work of opening up first, they took on a female role also, THEY made me feel safe first. Last night my bf of 20 years ago said: ‘Tam, what are you thinking’…he intuitively knew what to ask, and he opened up first always…and suddenly I realised it. They had made allowances for my ‘unavailability’. Wow. And in the last few years, I had very masculine men with their own issues…and they could not open up to me first, as they did not feel safe. And then I did not feel safe either, and it all turned into a mess.

    It is such a revelation, and I feel so so thankful that MrU told me he felt that I was secretive and kept things from him (from him in particular). He was dead on. I am an intelligent woman, you know, and I have no idea why it took so long for me to work this out, to see into myself….and femininewoman made me think so much with her brick wall comment….it started it all off.

    I just hope I can challenge myself to drop my front…use it for business and sports and everything else where one has to be hard…but I just wish and hope I can drop it with men for once and all.



  341.  #341Esteemed on July 11, 2012 at 2:05 am

    Tam,

    340 – Here is a poem for you that I wrote in 1990:

    Go Ahead, Break My Heart

    Step into my heart; see what you find
    I offer all I’ve got, so please be kind
    I open the drawbridge; here is the key
    What you are seeing now is the real me

    I make myself vulnerable; I’m fragile and tender
    Inside I’m a child, and I’m weak at the center
    I’ve stored lots of love up to give it away
    I need to be loved, what more can I say?

    I open up my heart; you hand it back in pieces
    This pain never ends; this heartache never ceases
    I slam shut the drawbridge, snatch back the key
    The trust I offered you again will never be

    I will build a wall and say forget it all

    Inside the wall of me, I am safe and secure
    You cannot reach me here; I am hidden and obscure
    I am a self-sustaining castle, unreachable by pain
    Loneliness is my only companion; fear is my only gain

    Better to love and lose again, you see,
    Than to suffer alone endlessly
    When you give away something as precious as love
    It’s never for nothing in the eyes from above

    The best things in life are free, but they cost a lot
    Things like wisdom and love can’t be bought
    Opposites go in pairs, wisdom and mistakes
    Can’t have one without the other – love and heartaches

    To say love is bliss is to say humans are flawless
    Next time I open up my heart, I’ll still be reckless and lawless
    I will pour out my love with the carefree ardor
    Of a waterfall smashing down on the rocks, like a martyr

    Step into my heart; see what you find
    I offer all I’ve got, so please be kind
    I open the drawbridge; here is the key
    What you are seeing now is the real me

    I make myself vulnerable; I’m fragile and tender
    Inside I’m a child, and I’m weak at the center
    I’ve stored lots of love up to give it away
    I need to be loved, what more can I say?



  342.  #342Esteemed on July 11, 2012 at 2:09 am

    Autumn,

    On the last thread you wrote, “Sirens

    Is there a Rori post on Money? and how to go from masculine energy to feminine energy with money issues? I always feel like i have to pay all or half of dinners. Money triggers me and makes me feel very uncomfortable. Because of the way i was raised (quite poor, and lacking a lot of things) i feel that i want to be independent and not reliant on men to pay for things or for my way. But i can see how in the past this has hindered things for me.

    I have also noticed that i always attract stingy men. I want a man who will make more of an effort to pay for things. Am i being selfish for wanting this? is this ok? It is not a matter of not being able to afford things, because i can. But i want to stop the process of excess and expensive gift giving and paying and instead learn to accept and let men pay for things.

    Can someone suggest some help and guidance please?”

    I am not sure if there is an article about it, but Rori does talk about it a lot. Daria has also written about it alot. What i would do is go thru the various threads, first looking for an article on money, and then do a find and search for the word “Money” and “Pay”, perhaps. It has been the topic for many conversations on the blog.



  343.  #343Vi on July 11, 2012 at 2:09 am

    Tam I felt thrilled to read your story! (((((((((((((Tam))))))))))



  344.  #344Goldenflower on July 11, 2012 at 2:12 am

    318: Tam
    Wow, well done Tam on realising all of this. It sounds like a big breakthrough for you. I feel happy for you.

    I find it interesting the insight on the male energy thing of you stepping up to be strong for him, to take charge. I have done that so many times,persoanlly I have felt in the past like women have such strength to survive all that has been done to them, that a women stepping up is a way of showing that strength. Like saying look, I can sort this out no problem, its easy. But i can see now that it doesnt work for men. It does emasculate them at times. Reading that idea of women treating men like they are defective women, and men treating women like they are defective men, makes so much sense to me. I feel frustrated that it cant be easier to communicate. Maybe these tools will make it easier.

    I am coming up against my brick wall again and again. I dont feel safe to be vulnerable because i dont trust men at the moment. I have realised that I dont know how i am going to move that feeling. I feel bitter about the last guy who cut me off, after I had begun to trust him and think i could open up.
    Maybe after I get into my counselling again I can move this barrier more. I really hope so.



  345.  #345Esteemed on July 11, 2012 at 2:18 am


  346.  #346Autumn on July 11, 2012 at 2:20 am

    Thank you Esteemed!!! I feel like you are my fairy godmother on here! you have all the answers. Much love and respect to you.



  347.  #347Tam on July 11, 2012 at 2:33 am

    thank you esteemed, goldenflower, vi……
    I run to work but can’t wait to get back later..all have a lovely day 🙂
    I am intrigued to know if I have sent him to the mancave…even that doesn’t matter anymore so much, I feel I just came out of my tamcave…



  348.  #348Tam on July 11, 2012 at 2:47 am

    Esteemed, I shed a tear reading your poem, it’s incredible!



  349.  #349Zara on July 11, 2012 at 3:45 am

    318 Tam

    ***where do I go from here? What do I do with the remainder of my brick wall and the ruins? It will be ok. ***

    From there you keep walking, step by step.

    There is no remainder of any brick wall… And it will be OK.
    The minute you speak of “I” and “I” only, rather than focus on what “I” think he feels or think, and the minute you express the truth of “I” with feeling messages, the wall deletes himself at once, it is magical.
    In the present moment, in the “now” there is no brick wall reminder where authenticity leads “I”‘s heart
    The past flies away with the wall as a whole.

    It is step by step, moment by moment.
    When a friend ask “I” a question, “I” answer with authenticity.
    When “I” meet someone, “I” engage with authenticity.
    When “I” remember “I” told a fiber in the past, “I” call them and delete the wall by telling the truth..

    And when “I” goes back into gossip mode, speaking about him/them rather than about “I”, being in their business rather than in “I”’s business, the wall comes back up. It is magical.
    When “I” goes back into pleasing people, the wall comes back up.
    When “I” comes back into “not saying what “I” feel mode”, when “I” accepts a situation “I” does not want, when “I” allows leaks in her boundaries, the wall is back up.
    When ”I” pushes others’ boundaries, the wall is back up.

    It is a step after another, and it will be OK, each step calmly and deliciously focused on “I” and on “now”. For ever.
    Enjoy the journey 🙂



  350.  #350Tam on July 11, 2012 at 3:51 am

    Thank you Zara….that is a lovely summary of how to keep the wall down and the boundaries up. I love it.



  351.  #351LobbyStar on July 11, 2012 at 4:51 am

    306 Autumn

    Yes, I’m CDing 2 guys at the moment, and I see another one coming toward me. Cy knows I date other men, and he never says anything, but whenever I mention “we” went to dinner or a movie, he gets squirmy. Or when I get a text message.

    I told him in the beginning of our friendship that I was dating multiple men and that I didn’t think it was fair for me to put my life on hold while one man decides if he wants to be with me. He said that sounded logical. Then on our last trip, I said something about “my ex-boyfriend”, and he said, “Which one?” kinda snarky. I told him that while I do date many men, they are not all boyfriends. He just nodded.

    I try not to put energy into figuring out what he’s thinking, if he’s jealous, etc. (It’s really hard! My boy energy wants to analyze every little thing, and it takes some effort to push it out of my mind.) But I figure a conversation is going to have to take place at some point in the next couple months.

    How are you doing, Autumn?



  352.  #352Rebecca on July 11, 2012 at 4:58 am

    Wow, I’m finding it hard to keep up with everything on the blog at the moment!!



  353.  #353Annie on July 11, 2012 at 5:19 am

    Hi Jessie, I read your posts 7 and 10 as an observer. And felt pain despair helplessness.
    If we are to look at our triggers as mirrors messages and lessons on the work we need to do on ourselves to heal what would you think if you were reading these two posts as an observer as if it were someone else you were observing in this place.



  354.  #354Femininewoman on July 11, 2012 at 5:23 am

    Tam believe in yourself. Trust yourself and the awareness will expand. Even if you go backward sometimes be willing to laugh at yourself. Life is a joyous journey if we commit to enjoying it.



  355.  #355Autumn on July 11, 2012 at 5:34 am

    LobbyStar

    It feels good to hear that he squirms hahah and it always feels good to get msgs from lots of guys in their presence. I had a similar situation with a guy who i wanted to be closer too. He would make similar comments and remarks to Cy. It didn’t make me feel good because he made it seem like i was too much of a ‘girl player’…if that makes sense. But it would feel good to have this conversation with him?

    Do you feel excited about your meet up with Cy? Do you feel excited for the other guys you are dating?

    I want to ask what exactly is the purpose of cd? and how do you cd when you feel a relationship happening with someone? This is all new to me and the idea of telling a guy that i do like and want to be with that i am going to be dating other men is a little strange to me.

    I want to cd in a way mainly because there are so many men i am interested in hahahah and also being in an exclusive relationship feels intimidating and uncomfortable to me. I fear being trapped and bored and being responsible for him. Maybe i am immature. I think maybe its a case of wanting to have my cake and eat it too lol!!! Bad siren! i want to cd and still keep him because i enjoy dating him and spending time with him but don’t feel strongly about him. But then i am so used to having strong chemistry right away that when it didn’t happen with this one i thought there was no potential. But then reading so much of this blog the dominant consensus is to go with it and see how it goes and that i might be surprised. I am confused.

    I am trying to not feel anxious about another ex being in a relationship on fb. This happened tonight. Esteem wisely suggested i should compare myself to no one but me. Its still hard. Being jealous and feeling inadequate. What does she have that i don’t?

    Need to improve and keep reading!!! so much work to do yet.



  356.  #356Femininewoman on July 11, 2012 at 5:41 am

    Lobbystar/Autumn it is my belief that when a man gets squirmy he is not feeling good in our presence and wants to run away. If it were me at these times I would try to go deep into my body to see what I am feeling, pay attention to my intuition. I would ask myself how I would feel if a man I am interested in romantically keeps mentioning other women. Then again I would tell a man who asks that I don’t feel comfortable being questioned about my personal life. I want him to just smell, feel in my vibe that I feel turned on and happy with life in general.



  357.  #357Femininewoman on July 11, 2012 at 5:45 am

    Autumn I believe “I am going to be dating other men” is explaining too much. If it were me I would just let them know I feel more comfortable keeping my options open. If they ask about someone specific or dating in general I say “it’s nothing serious”.



  358.  #358Femininewoman on July 11, 2012 at 5:48 am

    Tam if it were me I would notice myself to see if I like reaching into his man cave to pull him out. Now is the time to practice leaning your energy into yourself, opening up your hands and releasing him, expectations and thoughts around him. Try and catch yourself every time your thoughts drift towards him. This is a game I am now playing with myself.



  359.  #359Autumn on July 11, 2012 at 5:51 am

    Femininewoman

    In my case he, lets call him Blondie would not squirm so much but tease me and inquire about which football team i was dating this time. I always thought there was a undertone to it though. However i continued as i was by dating others because he only wanted friends with benefits. I wanted more. He wasn’t willing to give that. He always initiated these conversation, i never raised them because i wanted to keep my private life private. If he asked i would respond honestly.

    Maybe i should have been more sensitive….



  360.  #360Femininewoman on July 11, 2012 at 5:55 am

    Rori Raye Love Tip: What Holding Onto A Man Looks Like

    Hi, This is Rori –

    If you’re in that awful-feeling place in a relationship where you feel insecure with a man, and almost everything you do and say and even think makes you feel even more helpless to change things, I know what that’s like – and even better – I know it doesn’t have to be like that for you.

    Let’s work on this together:

    We’re starting here with how to NOT Hold Onto a man. This is going to feel almost completely the opposite of everything you’ve been taught and told, and I know if you try it – you’ll feel better, and you’ll get so much better results with a man.

    Here’s a short list of what Holding Onto a man looks like:

    1. You think about him, even when you’re doing something or are somewhere where there are other things to look at and think about

    2. You go from thinking about him to wanting him – like you would a glorious piece of chocolate fudge brownie

    3. You analyze every move he makes and everything he says, and every move you make and everything you say.

    4. You initiate contact – calling him, leaning in for a kiss, hugging him, sending emails, texts, cards…

    5. You worry about everything you do and say and everything that happens out of fear it will push him away

    There are a bunch more, very subtle things, too – but for now – take a look and see if you’re doing any of these five things.

    To get more personal help directly from me, take a look at my “Love Forever” program (the new LIVE teleclass in the program will be on Monday, July 16th at 5:30 PDT, 8:30 EDT)

    Love, Rori



  361.  #361Autumn on July 11, 2012 at 5:57 am

    Femininewoman

    How do i start this conversation of “wanting to keep my options open”????



  362.  #362Femininewoman on July 11, 2012 at 5:58 am

    Autumn maybe he was wondering if you felt okay with the teasing?

    If it were me being asked constantly which “team” I was dating I believe I would feel criticized and in being authentic I would have felt compelled to speak about it otherwise it would end up with me feeling angry and resentful.



  363.  #363Femininewoman on July 11, 2012 at 6:01 am

    Autumn I share those things when asked about my dating. That is my way of practicing truth telling and being open. I don’t believe I need to start that conversation because I don’t believe a man thinks it is logical that in my life I would not meet and talk to other men.



  364.  #364Starla on July 11, 2012 at 6:03 am

    Good morning! It’s going to be a beautiful day, sirens!



  365.  #365Autumn on July 11, 2012 at 6:04 am

    Femininewoman

    That is exactly how it played out. However, most of the time i would respond in the same tone back. We are really good friends so i know he would not say anything in a mean spirited way. He often told me he was ‘curious and just wanted to know’ about the men i was dating.

    Actually few times i teased him that he was jealous because of the tone of some of his comments. Always denied it because that would have meant he would have to admit he had feelings. To date he still hasn’t. Oh well i am not going to worry about him as LobbyStar said.



  366.  #366Femininewoman on July 11, 2012 at 6:09 am

    Starla thank you for sharing about your oil pulling. Since I started I have noticed that my tongue cleans easier and stays lovely pink for longer periods of time.



  367.  #367Annie on July 11, 2012 at 6:09 am

    Daria says. “It’s not about men liking you just for boobs, it’s about you feeling comfortable with looking sexy and everything that goes along with that.

    Men are attracted to our bodies and sexyness and it’s a sexual thing , a get hard thing for them. Rori says even if hes attracted emotionally its still about getting hard thats how their attraction is in their bodies. and it doesn’t mean that sex is all they’re attracted to at all.”

    I love showing my assets off and making the most of what I have got. It feels good to me when positive energy in that way comes towards me. My boobs, bum, body etc is not who I am though.

    I got lots of attention last night when out which felt good but also a little scary.
    I felt triggered as two men I am getting to know were really full on direct.
    I am attracted to both of these men as they are me.
    I know that we attract and attracted to what we need to work on.
    One I would not ever feel able to take the attraction further with as he is sleeping with a girl who I feel friendship and connection with. It is a boundary to me to not go there now.
    He outright asked if I wanted sex to get to know him better. WTF was that all about? I said that I don’t have sex with people I don’t know, didn’t state how I felt about never going there because of my friend etc as felt caught off guard and shocked.
    He was surprised that I didn’t want sex without knowing someone, as his words were ” why ever not that’s the best kind of sex”

    And then the other man was all over me all night, telling me how safe he was, how safe he felt with me how attracted to me blalah blah blah really full on.
    And telling me how difficult it was to not take me outside and do stuff with me and how no other woman had this effect on him.

    I feel confused to why i am attracting this.
    I don’t want sex with someone I don’t know or who doesn’t know the real me who just wants me for now or to just use my body. I man not my body that is not who I am.
    I only want to share my body with a man who loves the real me and wants to share all of himself forever so I can share all of myself with him.

    I feel overwhelmed with so many emotions and thoughts about so much stuff.

    Mainly about my past abuse which has surfaced since doing Roris tools and on how to choose the best therapy to heal.

    I don’t feel fully healed from my incest molestation abuse and daily psychological abuse from both my parents.
    I feel so doubly betrayed but especially by my Mother since revealing my abuse and her choosing to still sleep in the same bed with my stepfather after her now knowing what he did. And not taking full ownership or responsibility for her part that she played in this.

    I feel sad.

    I don’t know what step to take next.



  368.  #368Starla on July 11, 2012 at 6:15 am

    yay fw i feel so glad to hear oil pulling is providing benefits to you:):):)



  369.  #369Femininewoman on July 11, 2012 at 6:15 am

    Autumn – ” i teased him that he was jealous because of the tone of some of his comments”. For some reason though I tease sometimes, this came across masculine. I am learning to think “flirt” instead of “tease” on these occasions. If it is masculine to tease I am asking myself if that is what I want to do. I know men tease when they bond so I want to use a feminine equivalent. Talking about his feelings and focussing on his tone suggests leaving “me” space and going into “him” focus but I totally get it because I catch myself doing that sometimes. At times like that I might say “oops my girl is feeling curious”.



  370.  #370Esteemed on July 11, 2012 at 6:16 am

    Autumn,

    346 – Aww, thank you! You’re welcome!



  371.  #371Esteemed on July 11, 2012 at 6:17 am

    Tam,

    348 – Thank you, I feel glad you felt moved by the poem.



  372.  #372Femininewoman on July 11, 2012 at 6:19 am

    Annie most men feel physical attraction to a lot of women. For me talking about sex is their way of telling me they feel physically attracted to me. I also take it as their way of telling me they are in their bodies, their feelings. An indication to me to get out of my head and into my body.



  373.  #373Autumn on July 11, 2012 at 6:20 am

    Femininewoman

    Yep. I am all boy and masculine 🙁 I need to be more girl! Thank you for these lessons i am learning a lot. I really need to start getting Rori’s tools. I want to make quantum leaps but i am operating blindly without them.

    Esteemed thank you again, i have spent all day reading that post and still reading. I am so excited by how much i am learning and have yet to learn.



  374.  #374Femininewoman on July 11, 2012 at 6:25 am

    Autumn there is a category called Feminine Energy on the blog. If you read through the past articles and comments you will see tools in there that you can use. Babysteps is what most of use. Quantum leaps is almost like bypassing the inner work we need to do to get instant gratification. It took us many years to get to where we are now so best to give ourselves compassion and patience to undo what we have been doing up to this point that has not worked and to learn new tools as we stay open to practicing with them.



  375.  #375Femininewoman on July 11, 2012 at 6:27 am

    “I am all boy and masculine”. My screenname when I came here first was Masculinewoman. Ever since Daria suggested that I let go off the thought that I am masculine and just focus on being as soft and feminine as I can in each moment.



  376.  #376Autumn on July 11, 2012 at 6:38 am

    Ok, heading over there now. So much to read, but i am committed. And i need to start by taking it easy on myself! 🙂 Thank you Femininewoman!



  377.  #377Femininewoman on July 11, 2012 at 6:54 am

    “The only way to keep a man’s interest, devotion, love and commitment – forever – is to allow all your feelings (including the ones you think show “weakness”) to come out authentically. To be expressed in WORDS that do no harm, and yet let HIM feel YOU while you’re feeling your feelings. It doesn’t matter what he feels about your specific feelings. He’s just simply drawn in by your ABILITY to feel.

    Sounds pretty scary, doesn’t it? Well, it is. If it wasn’t scary, we would’ve done it years ago, because it WORKS with men.”

    Rori



  378.  #378Femininewoman on July 11, 2012 at 6:57 am

    And what does Leaning Back do for you?
    Lots of things.
    It gives “air” and space between you and everyone else. It gives every man in the place a chance to be drawn into you. The energy exchange shifts, you look and feel more confident, and your inner man magnet kicks in.
    Try it and let me know how it feels…

    Love, Rori



  379.  #379Jasmine on July 11, 2012 at 6:58 am

    Autumn,

    I have thought about that a LOT. I’ll have to see him again in Fall. But the things is, I never ran into him, he did. Whenever we were back to each other after the breakup was because HE came to ME. I can handle closeness, he can handle distance. I am perfectly ok as long as he stays away, which I hope he does when we see each other. Last semester he kept me on and off in an imaginary relationship (because we weren’t together in a formal way) just because he wasn’t clear about his feelings. I suffered a lot and he KNEW it. And that’s the root of our arguments; I got frustrated and he didn’t care. Not going to happen again. When the time comes, he will be just another classmate. I don’t want him back in my life unless I’m given what I need, and as far as I know him, he doesn’t have it.

    I’m glad you’re feeling better. I am too 🙂



  380.  #380Jasmine on July 11, 2012 at 7:25 am

    I am so confused. I still don’t understand this feminine/masculine energy issue. What’s wrong with being strong and independent?



  381.  #381Annie on July 11, 2012 at 7:35 am

    “FemininewomanNo Gravatar says:

    Annie most men feel physical attraction to a lot of women.”

    I get that as I feel physical attracted to a lot of men.
    What I don’t get is them asking me for and wanting sex with me.
    I don’t want sex casual sex.
    I feel confused what the mirror, message and lesson is.
    Unless it is for me to express in words that I don’t want to have sex with the wrong for me and that I don’t want a one night stand, or casual uncommitted sex.



  382.  #382Femininewoman on July 11, 2012 at 7:48 am

    Annie that don’t want would be you establishing your boundary and speaking your truth to a man.



  383.  #383Tam on July 11, 2012 at 8:28 am

    FW thank you. I had released him a while ago and just felt so moved that he shared this with me last night.
    He is in his mancave now, it is probably all too much and I do not at all feel like reaching into there…I stopped even considering it a loooooong time ago.
    He received a lot of info from me yesterday, and again I mentioned that i do not want to be friends. It is possible that this is where it ends and I can let go.
    I am grateful that he made me learn and expand myself and that I can change my beliefs…he is not toxic at all, or rather if he is then I am too.
    I feel flat and exhausted because I cried a lot yesterday, and yes, I felt happy that he contacted me so much in the last two days with jobs and other helpful stuff – it just feels nice to be cared for.
    But I am strong and I can care for myself also.
    I would like to enjoy the feeling of flatness…like a resting point for my thoughts.
    It’s all good.



  384.  #384Starla on July 11, 2012 at 8:39 am

    Hi Jasmine! there’s a difference between being strong and independent as a woman, and leading and pushing a man to get what you want out of him/cope with your own anxieties in a relationship by “making things happen”



  385.  #385Tereana on July 11, 2012 at 8:42 am

    ((((((Annie))))))



  386.  #386Starla on July 11, 2012 at 8:43 am

    I felt surprised to find a text waiting for me in my phone this morning from CL wishing me a good day. I felt an “Awww” escape my lips. What a nice, unexpected way to start the day:)

    I like thoughtful guys very much mmhmm yes i do!



  387.  #387Tereana on July 11, 2012 at 8:57 am

    Annie, I don’t know this for sure, but maybe it is difficult and scary to be wanted do strongly be a man after that kind of abuse and betrayal. It has messed up your sense of trust and really willing to get to “know” someone, when the people who should have been there for you in a supportive way instead invaded your boundaries.

    I know this is true for me, and if there was that kind of abuse in my past, I don’t remember it – only the emotional/psychological abuse, and in some ways, that is the more damaging aspect. But it’s all damaging. In many ways, I react to sexual situations as if I were a sexual abuse survivor. So I basically have to treat myself as if I were one. It’s difficult when I don’t have clear memories to back that up.

    What I know is that being wanted sexually by a man is at once theist desirable, pleasurable thing for me and also the most frightening thing in the world. When a man wants me, it feels “right.” When he doesn’t, it feels like something is missing. But when he wants me, I tend to push him away, or resist, or or torn away from him.

    It’s obviously not the best for having a relationship with a man. Sometimes I think that maybe it’s because I’d really rather have a woman. Women are “safer.” but I don’t know that being with a woman would feel any more safe. Basically, anyone wanting me sexually is a scary thing.

    I don’t know if any of that resonates with you, but that’s been my experience. Actually, having random, casual-ish sex has helped a lot. Releasing the expectation that a man will “care” about me has taken the pressure off and allowed me to start feeling okay with sex again. Because it is in the context of someone caring about me AND wanting sex with me that I feel the most unsafe. So that’s probably my biggest challenge. But I have to work up to it. Lol. Baby steps…



  388.  #388Tam on July 11, 2012 at 9:07 am

    ….I do worry about trusting my feelings sometimes. I felt loved and cared for but it never translated into anything tangible. It makes me feel insecure that maybe the love and care I felt was not real? Not sure.

    Guess I just have a problem with understanding..because when I love someone I want to be with them, I do not feel ambivalent. If one thinks this is true for all of us humans, that we are naturally drawn to be with those we love, and want to offer a commitment….
    then perhaps I felt loved but wasn’t loved and that feels confusing.



  389.  #389Femininewoman on July 11, 2012 at 9:18 am

    “The balancing of masculine and feminine energies is essential to an intimate, sexy relationship. This requires a clear-cut choosing of roles: it requires a boy and a girl. It doesn’t matter if the relationship is between a man and a woman, two women, or two men, and it doesn’t matter who chooses which role. It only matters that there be clearly one of each. The “girl” expresses feelings, the “boy” thinks and makes decisions.

    Once your partner experiences your listening, caring and communicating in quite new and different ways than he’s used to, he will respond in kind. You will be creating a safe space for him, and for the relationship itself.

    If it sounds simple, it is. But trying on new ways of being feels risky. Treating our mate as we would a friend is often completely foreign to us. Opening our hearts is scary because it makes us vulnerable – and allowing ourselves to be vulnerable is the key to love. . ”

    Rori



  390.  #390April Rose on July 11, 2012 at 9:55 am

    FlowerChild,

    Thanks for sharing your feelings about Rori’s Heart Connection Toolkit.

    It sounds like just the program I want to listen to and melt into my feminine self.



  391.  #391Femininewoman on July 11, 2012 at 10:58 am

    “The Way That WORKS Is To Say:
    “I don’t want a boyfriend. I’m looking for someone to walk off into the sunset with and get married and have a family.” (Or what you envision for YOURSELF.) “And so I don’t want to get exclusive with anyone until that guy shows up.”

    And that’s it. You don’t ask him for anything.

    You simply REFUSE to close up your other options (except sexually, of course) until you’re SURE – that means engagement ring, wedding date, house in escrow – that he means to make you happy, forever.

    The next step is to make it your job to make sure you DO keep your options open, no matter how emotionally involved you feel yourself getting with any one man. It’s your job to make sure that you DON’T get so emotionally involved with any one man until you’re SURE he means to make you happy forever.

    You take it step-by-step, date-by-date, and you BRIDGE your way to a real relationship with a GREAT MAN.

    Notice I Said “Great Man”
    I didn’t say “this man.”

    In other words, no man should EVER feel like he’s your man of choice, he’s your “One” or that you’re only seeing him. Not until he’s committed.

    This way you will NEVER become frustrated, angry, resentful, or heart-broken. This way, you are POWERFUL.

    You can be warm, soft and loving, and at the same time NEVER COMMIT yourself to him until he commits first. And I mean a REAL commitment, not just a “let’s go steady” commitment.

    “Bridging” is the way to get your mind, your heart, your body, and HIM on board for the lifelong commitment you want”.

    Rori’s eNewsLetter



  392.  #392Esteemed on July 11, 2012 at 11:02 am

    About my landlord situation, it couldn’t have gone better! He was just doing it to cover his assets, and he sent it to me while he was in the process of sending it to the new tenants.

    Yay! He was very kind about it, and he is cool about waiting until November for me to sign it, when my new lease starts. I assured him I already have things in process to get pets shots. He does NOT know about the kittens! (I had thought maybe that was what triggered him to send a detailed pet addendum).

    Feeling messages were my ticket, and K helped me also, because he is accustomed to dealing with stuff like this, to know how to position myself positively! I repeatedly feel amazed how much my tools here are helping me in all aspects of my life.

    Here was part of my script, partially written by me, and mostly written by K, via the phone:

    I want to speak to you for a few minutes before you get started fixing my dryer, please.

    Listen, you are one of the very few landlords who has ever treated me as well as you have treated me. I really enjoy being here. I don’t have any problems with you whatsoever. I’m not trying to rock that boat any kind of way.

    I felt shocked when I got that pet addendum. I just wondered, are you upset with me?

    I really want to comply with things you want me to do. I’m going to take care of these things as quickly as possible. But I don’t feel comfortable right now signing an addendum right now when I have a lease in effect until the end of October. But I’m not signing another lease in the middle of when a lease has already been signed.

    My clutter is a reflection of the struggle with the bad luck I’ve been dealing with. A lot of times I feel like as a single woman, so many people try to take advantage of that fact, and I feel like I’m forever trying to fight off the wolves.

    You’ve been more than good to me, and I want to stay here. When I need a repair, you come right away and take care of it. I don’t want to get into any conflict with you whatsoever. I already got things in place to get the cats spayed and neutered, and I will comply with everything that’s in my original lease. I don’t feel comfortable signing something when there is a lease in effect.

    I’ve got things right now that I’m in the process of taking care of. I’ll have this pretty much complied with in the next several weeks. Honestly, I don’t want our relationship strained, because you’ve been real good to me. I’ve never had a landlord do that for me. I really don’t want to upset you or get you angry with me. I’m dealing with a multitude of problems, and a lot of that boils down to being a single woman. A lot of things have come at me and I am dealing with everything as best I can. But I think things are coming my way, because I’m a go getter.



  393.  #393Turquoise on July 11, 2012 at 11:04 am

    Hi sirens! Wanted to stop in and see how everyone is doing. Life is good and I feel happy. Dreamy never contacted me, C brought his over eager girlfriend home for the weekend to meet the girls and his family. I actually like her. The girls really do… But I could sense a little tension and my oldest told me he yelled at her for trying to help clean up spilled drinks in the car. I had a great day with conversation the day before meeting her, and I’m sure that helped. But I really did feel accepting about it. C isn’t mine, I want us both to be happy… It’s time for fresh starts. It didn’t hurt that I’m hotter than her though 😉

    Conversation is turning out to be an amazing guy and we’ve moved beyond just friendship. I’m really trying to just take it say by day and enjoy it, not get stressed out about what might happen. His life is still very stressful, I’m not blind to it. I’ve also spent a lot of time with friends and family and on myself. That keeps me grounded. 🙂

    But sirens that have known me a long time… Remember my visualization poster? The tall, dark haired man with his back to me, arms spread to the option and the caption come sail away with me…. Conversation is him. And he even has green eyes!



  394.  #394Femininewoman on July 11, 2012 at 11:08 am

    Turquoise Yayy!!



  395.  #395Daria on July 11, 2012 at 11:09 am

    Last nite I stayed on the phone all nite w a great conversationalist who Told me he didn’t think he could take care of me.

    Now I’m feeling frowny and tense

    I wonder what this showed up to heal ?

    I’m feeling confused and gettin the impulse to blame him – aha! And blame Me for being on the phone w him

    But now that I wrote that I’m feeling smily and dropped all of that – wow!



  396.  #396Dominique on July 11, 2012 at 11:13 am

    YAY Tam!! – #318 – This is a biggie. One huge piece of my work is bringing things back to YOU. And you did this with tremendous revelations and results, so YAY you.

    xxoo



  397.  #397Esteemed on July 11, 2012 at 11:15 am

    Jasmine,

    380 – “I am so confused. I still don’t understand this feminine/masculine energy issue. What’s wrong with being strong and independent?”

    Rori says in the business world, in your career, go for it! Let your “inner boy” out to make a million dollars! Use all that energy to make deals and decisions, etc.

    But in your personal world, there is the ebb and flow of girl to boy energy. There is by nature, in a relationship, a convincer and a resistor. By nature, the boy is the convincer and the girl is the resistor. The boy naturally thinks, does, pushes. The girl naturally feels, is, receives.

    When we try to defy this natural makeup, we push the boy right out of the relationship. When we take control, he feels emasculated.

    I find myself having a hard time explaining this, since it was hard won growth for me. I don’t feel steady in it yet. I want to find a piece of writing I saved. I will post it.

    A boy is strong on the outside and soft on the inside.
    A girl is soft on the outside and strong on the inside.

    It is like a dance…the boy leads, the girl follows…



  398.  #398Starla on July 11, 2012 at 11:16 am

    yay it feels great to hear from you, Turquoise!



  399.  #399Turquoise on July 11, 2012 at 11:24 am

    Thanks Starla! Great to be back and reminded of all the tools and leaning back…. If I lean forward, he leans back. If I lean back, he leans way forward… I feel like we are dancing. 🙂

    It’s amazing to be aware, just aware of the dynamics. He’s definitely a leader, uses feeling messages, clearly shares what he’s going through and feeling. I like being around him. Its such good practice!



  400.  #400Tam on July 11, 2012 at 11:25 am

    396 – Thank you Dominique…I feel exhausted from the revelation, like I tried to fix things and men when it is actually me I should have been fixing.
    And I feel anxious that I can live up to my expectations, and anxious to let go of expectations of others.
    I want to feel neutral regarding the guy and I am not there yet.
    Lots of work still to do…and I want it all at once..hehe
    ..but thank you 🙂



  401.  #401FlowerChild77 on July 11, 2012 at 11:38 am

    Hi, Turquoise! I’ve been off the blog for a long time, as well but it’s really great to see you here and to read that you’re happy and that your dreams are coming true.

    I got a little chuckle when you wrote. “…it doesn’t hurt that I’m hotter than her, though.” 😉 I think we all need that little ‘boost’ once in awhile, what with all the crazy media images that bombard us with the ‘I’m not good enough/you should look like this’ message.

    Your journey is an inspiration. I need to look to other Sirens’ success stories right now to keep me moving forward. Thank you for sharing <3



  402.  #402Turquoise on July 11, 2012 at 11:58 am

    Thanks Flowerchild 🙂 its been a long journey getting over my ex. I’ll always love him, but I love myself more now… And that was sorely lacking. It stings a little to think of him remarrying and having someone else seriously in my girls’ lives. But I also feel it can a blessing. They really liked her, if he’s happy he’ll be a better dad and I feel free! I gave him the opportunity to come back and for us to try again. He chose not to, so no more guilt or what if’s, maybe somedays… All behind me.

    And I don’t know what will happen with Conversation, but I’m enjoying
    Y time with him, my



  403.  #403Turquoise on July 11, 2012 at 12:06 pm

    My girls really like him, our kids get along very well and he only lives 1.5 miles away. It’s fun and pleasant, so who knows. My goal was to enjoy my summer and I am.

    He’s also very motivating and I’m going to put some serious effort into my candy business this fall, he even suggested I write an ebook on how to start a candy business and is making me an amazing website. My finances could use some help, this is awesome help for me. I’ve also lost 5 pounds… Not even trying. Still a ways to go, but enjoying myself has been so good for my spirit. 🙂



  404.  #404Rebecca on July 11, 2012 at 12:11 pm

    Gosh, everytime I see my ONS guy I get my hopes up. It is so painful for me. I feel like i am such a loser.

    He is so flippant with me, and I fear he has very little feeling towards me.

    How can someone make you feel so small, even in a 2 second comversation??



  405.  #405Turquoise on July 11, 2012 at 12:17 pm

    Oh, and C’s girlfriendis thinner, taller and blonde…. But also 6 years older than me and looks it. I felt quite good about myself in her presence. I’m prettier and sexier and curvier 🙂 she was very nice though, told me how wonderful my girls are, that they look just like me and she saw where they got their looks from.. We talked about travel and photography and he was just grumpy putting a fish tank and turtle tank together 🙂



  406.  #406Femininewoman on July 11, 2012 at 12:30 pm

    “I AM A MAGNET
    (It’ll give you something to DO that’s about NOT doing ANYTHING!)

    1. Picture yourself as a Magnet for men. See yourself that way from the outside.

    2. Picture men running toward you from everywhere, pushing and shoving each other aside to get to you…

    3. Now go INSIDE your picture and IMAGINE yourself DRAWING in men from everywhere – like a magnet you hold on the beach draws in thousands of little pieces of iron from the sand.

    4. Now imagine that all you have to do is SMILE, and men will drop from the skies, fly at you from everywhere, and STICK to you like glue.

    5. The next step is to simply EXPERIENCE how it FEELS to be a magnet (If you’re doing it full-out, it might feel uncomfortable and downright scary…)

    ***I want you to do this small baby-step 24/7 – wherever you are, however you feel.

    KNOW that you already ARE a magnet -just because you’re a girl! (It doesn’t matter what age you think you are – you’re a girl, and you don’t have to do anything but BE what you already are!)”

    Rori



  407.  #407Femininewoman on July 11, 2012 at 12:36 pm

    “And Circular Dating is sort of radical. It’s subversive to all that. It’s putting your OPTIONS ahead of someone else’s feelings. It’s not trying to get what you want by giving someone else what he wants.

    It’s simply being forthright, open, vulnerable, truthful, and pro-active about what YOU want, and allowing everyone (and believe me there are TONS of great men who are despairing of ever finding a woman who actually has HER OWN RUDDER and follows her OWN DREAM) to want to connect to YOU.

    It is becoming the object of desire rather than remaining the “chaser” of desire.

    It’s a completely different way to live your life, in which loyalty and fidelity and exclusivity are EARNED by a man, rather than somehow “expected.” It’s flying in the face of convention and convenience and what we all did in high school. It’s being willing to live without a “boyfriend” because what you want is a ‘husband” and “family.”

    Rori



  408.  #408Femininewoman on July 11, 2012 at 12:42 pm

    “The TRUTH is – EVERY man knows that if he isn’t marrying you, he has NO VALID claim on you. He KNOWS he can’t expect LOYALTY (as in “exclusivity”) if he hasn’t committed to you. It’s plain, basic “man-speak” — whether he owns up to it or not.

    And the more we buy into this, the less respect, on a deep, subconscious level, he has for you. I would be willing to guess that he didn’t divorce his ex just because she cheated on him. There was more and uglier stuff he can’t even get to inside his brain and heart. If someone cheats on us — every single one of us blames ourselves for it. We’re enraged at them, but we think it’s because we weren’t “enough” (plenty around this for another discussion).”



  409.  #409Dominique on July 11, 2012 at 12:45 pm

    Tam – This may help:

    sexandheart.com/is-your-man-your-mirror

    sexandheart.com/layers-of-healing

    And this is for everyone. I don’t believe in taking steps backwards, as in one step forward, two steps back.

    sexandheart.com/one-step-forward-no-steps-back

    xxoo



  410.  #410Tam on July 11, 2012 at 1:06 pm

    Dominique, wow, that article fits to me like a glove…the mirror. In fact, even the man is similar…my guy also used to voice appreciation for other women…it was very strong at times and used to upset me. sometimes he didn’t do it at all and then it happened again, particularly after we spent prolonged time together….I always deep down felt it was a test for me, like ‘let’s see if she runs away’…



  411.  #411Femininewoman on July 11, 2012 at 1:08 pm


  412.  #412Dominique on July 11, 2012 at 1:15 pm

    Tam – Men don’t usually offer tests to women. They are just not that far ahead thinking, usually. Showing appreciation for other women us what men do. It doesn’t mean he wants her or lusts for her or even goes any further with the thoughts beyond she’s hot or whatever terms he uses.

    Yes it’s rather insensitive on his part, yet the energy she brings to the table, infuses him with is energy to be bestowed on you.

    Other women are GOOD for us. They make our men want US more.

    If he’s the man for you, if he’s a good man, the kind of man you would want for you.

    xxoo



  413.  #413Femininewoman on July 11, 2012 at 1:25 pm

    You can see that the moment Bethany felt “Rushed” – Carl stopped. He sat up and said goodbye. This isn’t mind reading – he could feel her “energy” drift away from him.
    Let me know your thoughts and feelings here…Love, Rori

    https://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/category/bethanys-story/page/2/



  414.  #414Jasmine on July 11, 2012 at 1:35 pm

    Esteemed,

    397 – This is so complicated. It’s like everything is up to the man and we have to take whatever he wants to give us.



  415.  #415Jasmine on July 11, 2012 at 1:36 pm

    Hi Starla,

    384 – I am still trying to understand.



  416.  #416Jilly on July 11, 2012 at 1:36 pm

    Turquoise!!! yay!! You sound so happy…and isn’t it crazy how he looks like your visualization poster???!!! That’s how Rugby Man looks too 🙂 Just like I envisioned him! So good to hear you 🙂



  417.  #417Tam on July 11, 2012 at 1:38 pm

    Dominique, I agree with you on the other women thing. Nowaday when I see a man I’m dating look at another woman I am totally cool about it because I got used to it and also what you wrote helped explaining.
    Not sure whether I feel cool with the voicing of ‘she’s hot’ or something when I am actually there…but when I have reversed it and we were just friends and I said ‘oh look, isn’t that one your type?’ (and I meant it honestly, not as a dig or a test or anything like that), he would just mumble ‘yes yes’ or something, almost embarrassed and change the subject….it always made me laugh in hindsight…he did not feel comfortable with me pointing out pretty women, but when he did it is was ok… 😉



  418.  #418lk on July 11, 2012 at 1:40 pm

    jasmine, 414

    when you say, “everything is up to the man” – when i read Esteemed’s comment, i hear a different story..

    & definitely it feels the Opposite to me from “take whatever”

    what i feel is everything is up to me! the men are all bringing me everything & i take just what i want & smile & always say “thank you”…. even when i’m smiling & saying “no, thank you” : )



  419.  #419Jasmine on July 11, 2012 at 1:42 pm

    lk,

    But he takes the “lead”…



  420.  #420Jasmine on July 11, 2012 at 1:43 pm

    I mean from what I am understanding, the woman can’t take the initiative to do anything



  421.  #421Starla on July 11, 2012 at 1:51 pm

    Jasmine, what kinds of things do you have in mind when you say “can’t take the initiative to do ‘anything'”? What are those ‘anything’s you have in mind?



  422.  #422Jasmine on July 11, 2012 at 1:52 pm

    Initiating contact… planing a night out… or any type of plans



  423.  #423lk on July 11, 2012 at 1:53 pm

    jasmine, you can take the lead whenever you want – but you will attract men who prefer to follow : ) OR – worse – who are *afraid* to lead themselves o_0

    also, you can “lead” in a “Feminine way” by “leaning back”….. you can “lead” by opening your heart….. you can “lead” by building a loving, non-judgmental, strong vibe for yourself

    feminine energies are NOT weak or “less than” or secondary…. on the contrary…. it’s like wood – the more flexible you are…. the more open you are…. the more forgiving you are….. the more expansive your movements can be

    the more tense, stubborn, brittle you are – you will break

    the more you think you “know” what’s good/right/etc. the more you will try to control/fix/affect – because you think you know what will make you happy

    but if you FEEL happy, say so
    if you FEEL unhappy, say so

    men want to make you happy & it makes them feel like men to have a happy woman that is Their One Woman. men WANT 1 *one* woman. i Believe that : )

    & then don’t do a flipping thing….. because if you start “leading” or “taking the initiative” ……. in the ways that you Believe will make yourself happy…. you have no way of knowing how that man ACTUALLY behaves/wants to behave…. you have to stop throwing a blanket over him if you want to see what he looks like dancing : ) lol



  424.  #424lk on July 11, 2012 at 1:55 pm

    sorry for saying “worse” like that…. but i really would feel exhausted dating a man who was afraid to Lead or Step Up….. i just want to be carried along & give to & helped…….. & then i want to come from a place of deep strength whenever anything is asked of me : ) or be able to give easily, gently, no “pushing” solutions on humans in the name of “helping”



  425.  #425Jasmine on July 11, 2012 at 1:57 pm

    Is being in feminine energy the same as being submissive?



  426.  #426lk on July 11, 2012 at 1:58 pm

    “submissive?”

    i say NOOOOOOOO & am feeling hugely triggered : ) lol



  427.  #427Jasmine on July 11, 2012 at 1:59 pm

    lol. I’m getting this all wrong



  428.  #428Jasmine on July 11, 2012 at 2:00 pm

    And I’m so glad it is not being submissive because I am not aaaaaanyyyy of that



  429.  #429Starla on July 11, 2012 at 2:03 pm

    not the same as being submissive, because IN that feminine energy you’ll want to say “that feels bad. I don’t want _______. What do you think we can do about this?” etc, or something along those lines.

    This is in contrast to a more masculine, “you’re doing this wrong. you should just do it this way.”

    jasmine, do you have any of rori’s books/programs?



  430.  #430Jasmine on July 11, 2012 at 2:03 pm

    I have the e-book



  431.  #431Jilly on July 11, 2012 at 2:04 pm

    Jasmine…what if it was more like…the man gets to be who he is, and we observe… and then we get to CHOOSE whether that’s what we want or not…it creates a whole different vibe 🙂



  432.  #432Jasmine on July 11, 2012 at 2:06 pm

    Jilly,

    I don’t know… I think I’m very stubborn



  433.  #433Jasmine on July 11, 2012 at 2:07 pm

    I don’t know how to be soft and caring when I’m mad



  434.  #434Jasmine on July 11, 2012 at 2:08 pm

    I’m very impulsive I would say



  435.  #435Starla on July 11, 2012 at 2:17 pm

    Jasmine, you really sound like a younger version of myself — anxious, impulsive, unable to control my harsh emotions when i’m irritated with a guy.

    everyone is different, but for me, i didn’t experience relief from this until i started focusing a lot more on my own health and happiness and made it my TOP priority. I don’t mean I blew off work or anything, but I had to seriously overhaul my life.



  436.  #436lk on July 11, 2012 at 2:17 pm

    i’m not submissive – i’m super-sassy !!

    ((((((((lk)))))))) sorry for shutting you up & being mean to you….. love you. i think you’re wonderful…

    thank you for helping me with my chore this morning. thank you for expressing my laziness/exhaustion/need for cuddles last night. thank you for shaving my legs & not scraping my skin. thank you for being super gentle when you’re looking in the mirror. thank you for telling me i don’t have to worry. thank you for not minding about my big pile o’ laundry : ) ummmm thank you for never lying to my parents… thank you for still being friends with them even though you disagree!… thank you for not wanting to look perfect. thank you for not labeling individual feelings or thoughts as “imperfect” or “perfect”… thanks for giving up & letting go… thanks for enjoying the ride… thanks for remembering the dark good stories under starlight : ) thanks for not trying to make anyone else do anything. thanks for not judging me on my “success” or my attitude … thanks for not shaking, jumping, scratching, whining, frowning, sighing, hurrying, or cursing : ) lol

    (((((HUGS))))) i see the person you “want” to be & i see the person you “fear” you are & there is nothing to do or be or chase. there is no way to happiness; happiness is the way !



  437.  #437Starla on July 11, 2012 at 2:22 pm

    lk, it turns out CL is a mountain man like your CD. He lives in the mountains and is currently trying to buy a house there. I would say ‘yikes’ if I didn’t have you to think about – and how you are a modern lady who is managing to find happiness up there in the mountains.



  438.  #438Jasmine on July 11, 2012 at 2:23 pm

    Starla,

    I know!! I am trying to focus on myself right now so I can feel healthy and happy but it’s a process since I’ve been like this my whole life. And sometimes I feel good but when I go back to “bad” it’s like starting from zero again.



  439.  #439Esteemed on July 11, 2012 at 2:24 pm

    Jasmine,

    You said, “397 – This is so complicated. It’s like everything is up to the man and we have to take whatever he wants to give us.”

    414 – In her teleclass (which I HIGHLY recommend! :-)), Rori says a woman can say yes or no. At each step along the way, it is a woman’s choice. She said we can’t tell a man what to do, or try to change him. But if he moves in a direction we do not like, we can say no.

    I feel ill equipped to explain it as thoroughly and eloquently as Rori. But that is what she said. I wonder if that resolves anything for you?



  440.  #440Jasmine on July 11, 2012 at 2:26 pm

    Esteemed,

    Yeah I am getting your point. Thanks!!



  441.  #441Starla on July 11, 2012 at 2:27 pm

    Jasmine, you’re doing fine! I can see you voting for yourself all the time:) Like the other day you went out for a run to get some healthy exercise.

    Sometimes just focusing on playing a soundtrack in your head NO MATTER WHAT of “love to me, i love me, i forgive me” can really help set the stage for bigger changes in life. I dedicated a whole month or two to this and it’s done wonders for me.



  442.  #442Jasmine on July 11, 2012 at 2:32 pm

    Thank you Starla, you actually just turned on the light. I have problems with forgiving me. I try to let go of things that I did/didn’t do but I always feel guilty.



  443.  #443FlowerChild77 on July 11, 2012 at 2:35 pm

    I think Jilly explained it best…I remember it as:

    A man’s job is to do what he does. Our job is to decide if that’s what we want.

    This cleared up a lot of confusion for me when it came to learning about feminine and masculine energy and what each of those “looks like.”



  444.  #444Esteemed on July 11, 2012 at 2:36 pm

    Jasmine,

    433 – “I don’t know how to be soft and caring when I’m mad.”

    I struggle with anger, too. Here are some things I do. I say under my breath, “I feel angry right now, and that’s okay.” I learned that from a psychologist when I worked with mentally handicapped kids. It was an anger management seminar for staff. He also said to force a smile and hold it for ten seconds. He said it creates an emotional shift, and it’s hard to do that without cracking up laughing! 😆 He also said to count to ten before speaking, to give yourself a chance to think more clearly.

    What I do on an emotional level is quickly try to process my anger, taking it to the intellectual level by asking myself what is at the core of my anger? Inevitably, I have found the core to be PAIN. I have done this so many times that when I feel angry, most of the time, I can almost instantly tell myself, “I feel hurt”.

    That helps me to move out in compassion towards the person with whom I feel angry. I do my best to go into calm feeling messages from there.

    “I feel pain in my heart. I don’t like to be spoken to that way, and I am really struggling with feeling angry right now. I don’t want to feel that way with you. What do you think?”



  445.  #445Jasmine on July 11, 2012 at 2:37 pm

    FlowerChild,

    443 – I REALLY liked that.



  446.  #446Esteemed on July 11, 2012 at 2:39 pm

    Jasmine,

    About anger, I also meant to say that if I feel too furious to control my feelings, I do my best to step away for a few minutes…or a few hours…before I lash out.

    If appropriate, I say, “I feel angry right now, and I don’t trust myself to remain polite to you. I will discuss this later.” Then I leave, before I can’t shut my mouth.



  447.  #447lk on July 11, 2012 at 2:42 pm

    awww starla that sounds fun : ) i do love living in the mountains… it feels magical & peaceful & like an oasis from “City” life



  448.  #448Starla on July 11, 2012 at 2:43 pm

    Laughing Goddess taught me.

    Just say “love to me love to me forgiveness to me” in your head over and over as much as you can possibly remember to. force it. fake it till you make it. enjoy.

    in hindsight, i shoulda left reminders for myself. but it’s become 2nd nature to play that soundtrack in my head now, anyway:)



  449.  #449Jasmine on July 11, 2012 at 2:50 pm

    Esteemed,

    You just made me think of this quote I always remember: “Speak when you are very angry, and you’ll make the best speech you’ll ever regret”. Oh Lord, that’s happened to me a THOUSAND times. And I always knew it (because I always regretted it) but I never got better. My feelings were so powerful that I couldn’t control ANY of them. I had to explode, whether it was anger, sadness, pain. Now is when I’m really trying to connect with myself so I can understand what is it that I need and what is it that I want that will make me feel better.

    I do understand anger management. But in some situations (not only relationships) you have no choice but to explode when you feel attacked/disrespected by people. And I’ve become this kind of person because I used to be really polite and respectful, but you don’t always get that back in life.



  450.  #450Jasmine on July 11, 2012 at 2:51 pm

    Starla, I’ll keep that in mind 🙂



  451.  #451Jilly on July 11, 2012 at 2:56 pm

    FlowerChild @443…yes…simply said 😉



  452.  #452Dominique on July 11, 2012 at 2:57 pm

    Jasmine – But you don’t have to explode. You can calmly say that whatever it is doesn’t feel good. You can also say you feel misunderstood. Saying you feel attacked or disrespected can come across as antagonistic though it can work in some cases. If the feel bad behavior continues, you remove yourself from the situation, no explanations necessary.

    xxoo



  453.  #453Jasmine on July 11, 2012 at 3:05 pm

    Thank you Dominique,

    But aren’t you supposed to show emotions as you feel them? If I’m upset about a situation or a friend, I feel a lot better when I let my anger out than if I keep it to myself just to avoid problems. I feel unhealthy when I hold my words/emotions sometimes. I don’t mean being offensive, but being a loud voice and putting people on their places to show them that you deserve respect. Hope what I said made sense lol



  454.  #454Linda on July 11, 2012 at 3:15 pm

    I am very often inspired by the things I read here.
    I realize that I primarily speak boy. Girl is indeed my secondary language. I know how I got this way. I fully embrace me and love this part of me. I dont want to be someone else. I would like to build on to me… become an expanded fuller richer version of me.

    Goldenflower wrote to me earlier in this thread and it has helped me so so much. It has become my light bulb moment….. I printed it off and have been reading it every day. I was believing a lie. The the truth of the words have been like rain and they have saturated me. It has been healing.

    I feel a shift in me. It is good. I feel clearer

    Linda



  455.  #455Jasmine on July 11, 2012 at 3:20 pm

    Men are sometimes ridiculous.

    There is this guy I was hanging out with, and I just like him as a friend, not more than that. The last time we hung out, we were watching a movie at his place… only him and me… felt kind of awkward because I know he likes me but I don’t. So he put his arm around me and I felt a lot of repulsion. Ugh, it felt so weird.

    So after that, I don’t hang out with him anymore cause i don’t want him to get “confused” about things, I only want to be his friend. So he has asked me out several times and I’ve refused since things got a little awkward that night. So I politely blow him off all the time. However, we are together in our senior design project (which is the last project engineering students have to complete before graduation) but he’s very distant now, sometimes he doesn’t even reply to my texts, which only have been about the project. So what’s up with this kid? I’m catching myself cause it’s starting to make me angry…



  456.  #456Linda on July 11, 2012 at 3:22 pm

    Goldenflower I would very much like to write you apart from this venue. email would be my choice. lindor59@hotmail.com.

    Linda



  457.  #457Jasmine on July 11, 2012 at 3:33 pm

    I feel upset because men can’t pretend you to like them all the time. I’ve been really friendly and pretty clear that I only want to hang out and I didn’t even respond to his arm around me, omg I was about to repel him but he realized I didn’t like it and took his arm off me. I never felt so awkward.

    After that I don’t even want to be close to him anymore. It feels so weird now, specially when I know he was trying something else. I feel bad because he’s a good guy and everything, but that totally pushed me away. Anyways, I am trying to handle this the right way because we have to work in a project together. But now he’s distant or ignoring me. How fun.



  458.  #458Dominique on July 11, 2012 at 3:33 pm

    Jasmine – Going into a default negative emotion makes no one feel good, not you, not the one on the receiving end. You CAN express your anger without going on the offensive.

    You will get MUCH better results by melting and sinking into what feels good to you. The more you do this with a man, the more of what you want is what you will get and the less of what you don’t want.

    A lot of what feel bad to you has nothing to do with the other person and most everything to do with you, what needs healing in you.

    And vice versa.

    xxoo



  459.  #459Jasmine on July 11, 2012 at 3:36 pm

    Thanks Dominique 🙂

    I’ll think about that



  460.  #460Jasmine on July 11, 2012 at 3:40 pm

    Am I supposed to use FM with this guy? We’re nothing.



  461.  #461LobbyStar on July 11, 2012 at 3:57 pm

    I just got back from riding my bike with Cy. He is so amazing.

    First of all, when I was on my way to get him (he doesn’t drive, for reasons I won’t address here), my tire blew out. Luckily, I was literally a quarter mile from a tire place, and they had a guy walk over and put my spare tire on for me. Then I drove him back to the shop, and they replaced the tire, as it couldn’t be fixed.

    While I was sitting there in the shop, Cy came in. He had ridden his bike to me! And then he suggested we walk to a nearby coffee shop while we waited.

    Two hours late, we headed to the bike trails. He insisted I wear sunscreen, and I thanked him and said it feels good to be taken care of. On the trails, my bike was making a noise, so several times, he had us stop, and he tried to fix the problem. I told him it feels so good when he looks after me.

    One of these stops on the trail, he test rode my bike, while I wandered into the woods, and when he came back, I suddenly felt sick, nauseated, but we knew it wasn’t heat stroke or anything like that. I was well-hydrated. He insisted we just sit and rest for a spell until my stomach felt more normal.

    We rode over 9 miles one way, and then rested in a picnic area for a bit, talking about the upcoming triathlon. On the way back, he was impressed that I was riding faster, but then I started feeling sick again and I was just running out of energy the last mile or two. Finally, we got back to the car after over 18 miles in 90 degree heat.

    I told him I felt bad that I’d slowed him down, and he replied that he was wanting to take it easy today anyway. So sweet of him to dismiss my perceived failings! Later, I told him I felt embarrassed by how much pain I was in and how unfit I am, and he replied, “Don’t be silly, I’m not judging you. Just don’t give up or else I will too ;)”

    If “I feel…” anything bad, he seems to want to make it better. And he somehow does. He’s so good to me.

    That said, I wanted to address something from an earlier post (I think 356) about how I would feel if a man I was romantically interested in kept bringing up other women. I obviously would feel horrible; however, I don’t bring them up frequently. Sometimes it comes out in normal conversation, and I try to say as little as possible. And also, I don’t know for certain he has any interest in me romantically. This is a friendship, and I am the one who wants more. He may too, but he has not mentioned it in the past 9 months.

    Today was a good day, but I am sunburned (in spite of the sunscreen!) and my legs hurt like heck. I hope I will be able to walk tomorrow!



  462.  #462Esteemed on July 11, 2012 at 4:19 pm

    Jasmine,

    453 – No, it is not about holding emotions in…it is about letting them out…in a way that serves the relationship.

    There are two different things here: emotions and intensity. To express emotions is powerful and productive in a relationship. To express intensity is a turnoff to a man, or to anyone.

    What you said reminds me of the time about 15 years ago, when my car was impounded. I started yelling and swearing. The man at the lot laughed at me. A bystander told me, “You lost your power the moment you raised your voice.”



  463.  #463Jasmine on July 11, 2012 at 4:24 pm

    Esteemed,

    Oh wow hahah… that was deep. But I liked it. I see what you’re saying!! I’ll start working on my temper.



  464.  #464Esteemed on July 11, 2012 at 4:25 pm

    Jasmine,

    460 – If you want to develop feeling messages as second nature, I would practice using them on him, even if you don’t want a relationship. I use feeling messages with everyone in my life, men and women.



  465.  #465Jasmine on July 11, 2012 at 4:27 pm

    Welcome Ruth!!

    It is ok to feel confused hahah I have been a lot!! I’m just learning 🙂



  466.  #466Jasmine on July 11, 2012 at 4:28 pm

    Esteemed,

    Yeah, Rori made FM a little clearer for me… I thought they were only to be used in relationships.



  467.  #467LobbyStar on July 11, 2012 at 4:31 pm

    464 Esteemed

    Me too. I use FM as much as possible with everyone I can! It’s just good practice.



  468.  #468Esteemed on July 11, 2012 at 4:43 pm

    Jasmine,

    465 – I feel curious…who is Ruth?



  469.  #469Jasmine on July 11, 2012 at 4:44 pm

    hahahah I just realized I was on the wrong blog!! My bad.



  470.  #470Jasmine on July 11, 2012 at 5:08 pm

    I’m getting a full body massage tomorrow. I’m so excited!! 🙂



  471.  #471Starla on July 11, 2012 at 5:31 pm

    ooh, i wanna see new blogs, lol, jasmine if you’re feeling open, please share:) if not i totally understand



  472.  #472Jasmine on July 11, 2012 at 5:35 pm

    I actually meant wrong thread haha



  473.  #473lk on July 11, 2012 at 5:37 pm

    lol i think jasmine meant a different thread on this blog… i did that this morning, jasmine! : ) you can click on the name in the sidebar to see the actual comment : ))



  474.  #474LobbyStar on July 11, 2012 at 5:42 pm

    470 Jasmine

    I feel jealous of your massage! I need one so bad tonight!! lol



  475.  #475Jasmine on July 11, 2012 at 5:43 pm

    oh I didn’t see that lk haha I’ll look at it now



  476.  #476Jasmine on July 11, 2012 at 5:46 pm

    Ohh yes LobbyStar!!

    I had one last month and it feels so relaxing. And I’m feeling a little stressed out lately so I need to spoil myself 🙂



  477.  #477Starla on July 11, 2012 at 5:50 pm

    ooooh ok thanks jasmine/lk



  478.  #478Turquoise on July 11, 2012 at 5:55 pm

    Thanks Jilly! It feels so good to be in a new place, to put a lot of those thought to rest.
    It is crazy he looks like my visualization board, which I didn’t even realize right away.

    I feel he came into my life for me to realize how much I can/could miss out on in life by limiting myself. If things had continued on with Dreamy, I wouldn’t have kept seeing Conversation. I was impressed with Dreamy’s job, income, and the lack of distraction in his life. Conversation gave me a whole lot of truth on our first date, crazy stuff that felt too much, he’s getting a divorce and has an 11 month old daughter. All things that would have made me walk away quickly if he hadn’t been receptive to us starting as friends. Underneath his family drama, he is this amazing and ambitious guy. He’s a wonderful father, wants to do things for me, expresses his feelings and concerns, and I’m getting all this amazing practice.
    I don’t know what will happen, hard to even imagine since I know he’s not ready or available for a serious relationship right now…. But as he tells me, his life won’t always be this way. In the meantime… Taking it slow, having an amazing time, and learning to let someone be nice to me and help me too. It’s good 🙂



  479.  #479Starla on July 11, 2012 at 5:57 pm

    this afternoon i started feeling this very strange, never-felt-before anxiety about CL. We haven’t even met face to face yet, so it’s strange to feel that. And I feel confused… I thought maybe it was like a red-flag anxiety? But I don’t think it is… I feel really confused… I feel ridiculous saying it’s an intuitive, positive anxiety… like something marvelous this way comes.

    I feel ridiculous saying that to another human being.

    And there’s this reiki healer/psychic in my neighborhood who is highly rated on yelp, and I am thinking of scheduling some time with her to ask her about my intuition and gut feelings, and what to do with them when I feel them.



  480.  #480Starla on July 11, 2012 at 5:58 pm

    Oh AND I *saw* someone who looked 98% like my vision guy today on the train – except he was still in high school, lol. But it’s weird.. it’s like the universe is saying, “closer…closer….”



  481.  #481Jasmine on July 11, 2012 at 5:59 pm

    I’ve seen you sirens mention that a lot and I’m curious. What is “red flags”?



  482.  #482Starla on July 11, 2012 at 6:03 pm

    red flag = some sort of sign from a guy that you should stay away from him/that he’s no good.

    For example: lives with his ex girlfriend = red flag
    -is facing domestic violence charges = red flag
    -posts hateful things about women on his facebook = red flag
    etc.



  483.  #483Jasmine on July 11, 2012 at 6:05 pm

    Oh I see. I asked this question one time and nobody answered, but why is online dating so common here? Is it Rori who recommended it, or just a way to CD?



  484.  #484lk on July 11, 2012 at 6:05 pm

    i wanna scream HELLLLLPPPPPPPP

    because i just arrived home in the most foul and sad mood………………………………………………

    cd left the house ! said i’m too mean : (

    he said i’m too mean right now. he offered to go to the grocery store or the library but in the end he went to walk the dog.

    i’m MEAN. ! ! !

    i have known this my whole life.

    i got home & i really thought of not going home i was so mad…. i saw him & missed his first “greeting” (a wave hello from the garage where he was sweeping) & then tried to run away from him because i was so angry & crying so hard…. had an old story come up in my anxiety pool & i was just too tired to do anything with it but cry…. i ran to the bathroom & threw off my clothes & was nxked, crying, hugging myself when he came in…

    he’ll come home soon & i feel a bit nervous.

    i want to forgive myself….. but i don’t want to act like nothing happened…

    oh now he’s just walked in… i said “how was your walk?” & he said nice & i said sorry for coming home in such a foul mood. i tried to hide it from you but i probably shouldn’t have come home right away. & he said yes, maybe because that’s not right.

    he’s