Repairing Your Trust In Love

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030-220The Question:

Carol says, “Rori, How can I repair myself to trust and try again? I’m in my mid 50’s. I’ve been widowed for 16 years and I’ve only tried one relationship and it ended on his part with no warning and I feel shocked and I’m analyzing?”

My Answer:

Why are we so surprised when a relationship ends?

Why are we invested in a man to the point where he makes a decision, we’re going to be devastated?

Carol, you say you’ve only tried one relationship.

And that’s just not enough “data”!

The solution for that is Circular Dating correctly – so that your Inner “boy” energy can take better care of you!

I don’t want you to let your boy allow you go through continually being shocked and analyzing because a man ends a relationship.

Your boy is supposed to protect you, but not the way we’ve been protecting ourselves, which is to armor our hearts and keep from showing the world – everyone and anyone – who we are.

And I don’t want you to feel afraid – because of this one painful “ending” – of getting involved with MANY men, on MANY levels

Your boy needs to protect you by simply not allowing you to invest in a man before you know what’s up.

That’s all.

This is the basic, core mission of Targeting Mr. Right.

It’s all about not investing before there’s the ring – AND the ring could be anything!

If we’re in our 50’s and 60’s, it could be living together. It could be going on a trip around the world. It could just feel like lifelong commitment. It could feel like life partnership.

The ring is just symbolic of it.

If you’ve only tried one relationship and you were invested in him for a year or two years, that’s the problem right there.

Circular Dating is the answer. And why is it the answer?

Because of Circular Dating’s brilliant effect on the one thing we all succumb to at one moment or another that does us all IN every time we succumb to it – A Sense Of Urgency.

Circular Dating gets you PRACTICING a great number of Tools, all at once, that can quickly turn nearly ANYTHING around for you.

And when you’re Circular Dating correctly, you’ll begin to feel how this Sense of Urgency is wrecking your love life through all kinds of expectations and “hopes.”

As you practice experiencing being triggered to all kinds of feelings – Urgency and Disappointment especially – you’ll start to feel more in control of how these feelings effect you.

You’ll begin to experience the intense reliefand FUN – of having even a moment where you feel, down to your toes, that you “Have All The Time In The World.

Circular Dating gets you to practice Rori Raye Tools with every man who shows up.

And then we get to ask the bigger questions, beginning with: “Why did this particular man show up?”

The answer to this question is simple and basic: A man shows up because he’s a mirror image of your Inner “Boy.”

More about that in other posts!

Love, Rori

205 Comments

  1.  #1Labbit on February 5, 2015 at 10:43 am

    This post is such a great reminder…it is so easy to get invested a guy without the commitment. Yes I spend way too much boy energy at times analyzing and overthinking and wondering wayyyyy too much about things TenderCD says even now when things are going so wonderfully with him. I feel empowered when I go out and CD with the world, feed myself and settle in deeply to my feminine energy. I feel rejuvenated and oh so desirable!



  2.  #2Mandy on February 5, 2015 at 2:08 pm

    I love this post. I like that I can choose what the “Ring” should be.

    I get that urgency a lot and I react quickly, like a soldier, lol. Pick up that fire hose, douse those flames! It’s like being a “Yes Man”. Yuck!

    That is one tool I will have to practice more often. I do react very quickly and easily to the littlest things. I do like to choose to feel happy, but maybe choosing to feel content is an easy way of numbing awareness about issues. It feels like cocooning and being content, but not digging deeper.

    I’m trying to buy the new Rori ebook here, and read it when I have time to myself.



  3.  #3Gemini Goddess on February 5, 2015 at 2:15 pm

    So timely!



  4.  #4Femininewoman on February 5, 2015 at 6:03 pm

    Oh wow so when a man who wants to take care of me and hug me and give me all the good things he is showing me that I am taking good care of myself?

    Wow. Liking and respecting myself then is easy. I deserve to feel good about myself.



  5.  #5Mistea1 on February 5, 2015 at 7:57 pm

    Well, I probably could use the reminder to continue circular dating.



  6.  #6Indigo on February 5, 2015 at 9:12 pm

    Feminine Woman 4,

    “Oh wow so when a man who wants to take care of me and hug me and give me all the good things he is showing me that I am taking good care of myself?”

    I really believe that. I have noticed that when *I* am putting my self-care first, my needs first, men show up who are so respectful and caring and so willing to please me. It’s when I get shaky and off-balance and not putting myself first that careless people sometimes show up in my life. I am so grateful for this insight and this skill, because it definitely wasn’t intuitive to me at first.

    How many years I spent in “urgency”, trying to get the love and affirmation I needed from other people. Now I really know that what Rori says is true – a Siren’s way of being is the opposite of urgency. And you wouldn’t think that it is true, that she really can take care of her needs well enough until the right man comes along, but it is true. I’ve realized that even the fun stuff that I love in other people is coming from somewhere inside me. It feels so good and calm to put me first.



  7.  #7Gemini Goddess on February 5, 2015 at 9:19 pm

    Interestingly, I ‘ve found that over the past year and half my whole social circle has evolved. I wonder if any one else has noticed this as well?



  8.  #8Victoria on February 6, 2015 at 12:29 am

    I have been thinking on the last sentence “the man who shows up is a mirror image of my boy”.
    So, I am finding with great surprise, that my inner boy is tall, dark and handsome, and hyperse*ual, and very disorganized, a slacker, a procrastinator, slightly overweight and with high blood pressure, a smoker, no healthy habits, highly intelligent but lacking ambitiion, generous and people pleaser… Right before I met him, I had like six-twelve months when I dated many men (like possibly more than 10) and they were all very different, so I am thinking, my boy energy was either very quickly metamorphizing (is there such a word?) or I have like 10 boy energies, very different ones. One of which, as amazing as it is, was a computer geerk, 10 years younger than me, who had a really difficult time getting a hard-on. So yes, even I know the temptation of trying to de-emphasize the importance of s*x in a relationship.
    So my boy enegy has been going through many forms and still has not settled into what it wants to be…



  9.  #9Lotus on February 6, 2015 at 3:05 am

    This is a really interesting post about boy energy! So when my boy was having too much fun and wasn’t looking after my concerns of not being too drunk.. that’s when I make some silly decisions!

    I struggled to sleep last night after a conversation with a CD, who’s made it very clear that he wants naughty fun as well as wanting to get to know me. This is the guy who originally wanted a FWB but then has changed his mind and wants more with me. He constantly stays in touch and gives me a lot of forward energy, yet we’ve only met twice. This is also the guy who I’ve found challenging too, who I’ve had a couple of disagreements with.

    So all the things I’ve been missing and imagining with hanging out with a guy, doing the things I like, including sharing some wine, music, a film, bath/massage, all of that has been offered to me over the past few months. Yet as he is sexually suggestive over text, which feels unnatural for me before getting physically closer to a guy or feeling trusting, and I have told him I would rather meet more in person and just feel the vibe…. I worry that I’m walking into a dragon’s lair if I go over to his place and need to slow myself down.

    So my boy is telling my girl to be careful, or is my girl telling my boy to protect me? Even though she wants this fun, comfort and sensuality from a guy, we need to proceed with caution.

    I do feel a bit confused with what’s happening.. like he’s holding a mirror of the things I want, and I can sample them.. yet as it’s over an hour’s train ride away, it feels like too much energy or investment on my part at this stage.. is that right?

    Part of me just wants to say ‘Yeah, ok I’d love to come over, and I’d like to hang out without the pressure of having sex.. just want to see how I feel’… and another part says ‘It’d feel good to go somewhere else first , like to go to a gallery or have a drink, something that feels easier.’ So I stuck to the safer option last night, yet he tells me he can’t plan in advance at the moment until he knows his family schedule, yet has jokingly asked me to go over for a cup of tea…haha!

    So the rebel in me just wants to break out and orchestrate a visit to see a friend so that I’ll be in the same city as his, and there’s less pressure in going to his. Already writing that just made me feel a bit drained, like too much effort already…

    Hmm, I wonder if it will ever happen with him, when I’ve been craving that connection and moments with someone for so long? Is it better I save myself a bit longer…. I feel a bit perplexed… sitting on the edge of reason…



  10.  #10Victoria on February 6, 2015 at 3:38 am

    Lotus,
    here is how I see it (and many ladies here might disagree).
    I see no problem for s*x without commitment (as long as you take proper contraceptives and disease precautions). You are not even out of your marriage, and I see no reason for you to jump into another committed relationship. Uncommitted s*x is a lot of fun, and I can see you crave fun (don’t we all?).
    That being said, it is quite un-sireny to go to him (an hour on the train!!!) and you know that. What I am struggling with in such situations is to be strong inside, but soft outside. There must be a good way, a sweet and flirty way to tell him that you do not feel like travelling to him, but he might he up for a lot of time if he is accidentally coming your way.
    By the way, I have orchestrated travelling to see my parents in my home town when in fact I wanted to meet a CD and have some fun with him. Mind you, he sounded excited on the phone when I told him I would be travelling (in the second case he actively encourage me to do it, or so I thought because he said he’d pick me at the airport when I arrive. And then, both attempts to have fun failed miserably. The first time I got to see him, and he talked, and he told me about his new girlfriend :-(. The second time (yes, I am very slow learner) he basically stood me up… did not pick me at the airport, and did not even pick up his phone the next couple of days. Such a humiliation. Please do not do this to yourself.



  11.  #11Lotus on February 6, 2015 at 5:06 am

    Victoria – thanks for writing back!

    I know if I go on the train, I feel that I’m delivering myself in a big bow to him, when I don’t want to ‘gift’ myself yet..

    Well this guy has driven over 45 minutes to pick me up in my town, twice for dates, before our disagreement, and since he apologised for being out of order, I’ve allowed our interactions to continue.

    I’ve told him when he talks about sex and going to his, I don’t want to feel like a booty call.. so he has said sweet things like he’d want to run me a bath, watch a film together and it’d be more than just s*x, he wants to hang out and go for walks.. have me to wake up to as he likes me and wants to see where it goes.. there is the emotional connection side to it as well which was lacking with DP.

    What would feel good is we go to a neutral place once, to bridge the gap to his! .. so I can feel the vibe between us… yet he’s telling me it might be 2-3 wks before he has that time. (And recently I’ve been thinking I might put H back in my CD rotation to see how I feel… as his energy seems very different since his heart has come back.)

    New guy brings up a lot of insecurities for me, like he’ll say stuff like, ‘oh I’ll have to whack up the heating so you can run round in a bikini… I have this house to myself and no-one to run around naked with’ or ‘I’d like to see you in sexy lingerie ;)’ and the more he talks like this, the more shrinking and shy I feel! I actually feel more turned on when he talks about design and diy.. not so obvious!

    It’s nice when s*x builds up and happens naturally, a look and vibe… I told him it feels like he’s giving me a menu and I have to order right now, as he’s asking do I want more than fwb as he does, and he’s confused with what I want. Argh…. I said I do feel confused, and I want a nice connection and company, and he says ‘Well… i thought we had that, don’t you want the naughty bit too?’ so I feel I’m going round in circles!!



  12.  #12Lotus on February 6, 2015 at 5:14 am

    Victoria – I felt ick to hear about your past humiliation, clearly that guy didn’t know what was good for him!!
    Once I waited 2 hrs for my H to go to the cinema, which I paid for and we missed the film we were meant to watch. Never would I ever do that to myself again, now I would just go and watch the film and leave! Boy and girl is more balanced!



  13.  #13Victoria on February 6, 2015 at 5:33 am

    Lotus,
    I love talking to you!
    You know I am very good at giving advice/tips but have a hard time following my own!
    Thinking about how naive I was to believe that I could have some great fun with this guy if I just delivered myself to him in a bow, just like you said.
    But you know, he was sweet talking me, same like this guy is doing to you, and I want to have s*x, I want to do all the naughty things, and it was such a temptation, such a temptation. Actually, besides the humiliation times, I have had some fantastic fun with this same guy, only, each and every time it was a time when HE CAME TO ME and not vice versa.
    Also, I am thinking this thing that he says he has to wait 2-3 weeks before he can do naughty with him is a huge red flag to me. So, he is not only giving you the place, he is also giving you the time! How cheeky is that!



  14.  #14Mandy on February 6, 2015 at 7:45 am

    I got so much done yesterday. I went through an emotional process with Indigo and Labbit which I felt went very well, I got what I needed to understand from it and I think the Sirens might have gotten something from it too. It felt good to communicate, because I have always been anti-social and afraid of interacting with groups. I guess I still feel that way.

    But I FINALLY got on food stamps, I went and got groceries, I got in a workout and I also managed to clean my apartment! For me, that’s an amazing human feat, because with what I deal with sometimes I can’t even make it out the door because of the Tourette’s/OCD Anxiety that comes up that stops my breath. When I’m going out with someone that helps but when it’s just me wow I have an aversion to getting ready to go somewhere, takes me forever.

    Luckily I’m up early today, I have a paid gig today, and I’m wondering what I can do later for myself that would be fun and rewarding.

    Hm….I definitely want a cup of coffee to get my brain going here…lol…believe or not as I write this glorious Friday morning, I am still in dead mode, lol…I don’t wake easily 🙂

    You know what tool I love?

    Rori’s Modern Siren “Artist Walk”. I’ve always been good at that. In Arizona, where I am, the skies are really beautiful and you don’t see skies like them anywhere else, and I’ve seen many, many different skies all over the U.S….The clouds are fluffy and the sunrises are spectacular, purple and orange and red and all these colors bouncing off the mountains, and the rest of the sky is just as blue as a Robin’s Egg. The air is crisp and fresh today, and the sun is warm, and it’s the best weather of the whole year….The flowers are blooming and I can feel that “Love In The Air…” I love Spring…

    I will be going down to Get my DES card today and then I’m going shopping 🙂 Gotta schedule my massage too, because I need a rub and a good deep relaxation….

    I hope everyone has a special moment like that today…

    Can anyone riff to me how they might feel about Valentine’s Day? I’m trying to do something for myself on that day and if someone asks to have my company, I’ll take it, but I do want to make it so it is on my terms, lol. If nothing happens, well, I used to always have this bad reaction to it, as a teenager and young adult, but I can’t have expectations.

    I want to get some bubbly and go to the hot tub though, lol.

    🙂



  15.  #15Beloved on February 6, 2015 at 8:18 am

    I feel happy, content, satisfied this morning.
    Yesterday, I went downstairs and the whole smaller living area, that I walk through every day to get to the kitchen, had been rearranged. I felt disoriented and triggered…TG had previously had his computer and desk set up in there and had invited me to feel free to hang out whenever. The night before I had just started feeling comfortable sitting in there with him and chatting.
    So, immediately, my mind went to, “he doesn’t want to talk to me, he doesn’t really want me in here…I feel unwelcome”…a minor spiral of feeling alone and lonely, isolated in my own home. For about 2 or 3 minutes.
    I sank into my feelings, noticed the stories, and reminded myself not to take it personally.
    I felt curious…”What if this doesn’t have anything to do with me?”
    Off an on during the day, my mind would wander to a negative story and then back to reminding myself to be present.
    I got home last night, and TG immediately started sharing his whole thought process..apparently we are getting a 4th housemate and all of that happened very quickly, which made him think about 3 other people trafficking through that area throughout the day and night. So…whew, I felt relieved and validated.
    I still felt a tiny bit put off, though, until this morning. I sat in the smaller room to sit and look through the window with my breakfast, and TG actually came in from the other room to come sit with me and talk to me and we were laughing and cutting up in no time 🙂

    Seemingly related, this morning I dreamed I was riding on a train. We had reached my station and it was time for me to get off. I felt so sad, I didn’t want to leave the man on the train! I didn’t want to feel unwanted. I felt myself sink into sad, sad feelings. I wanted him to see my distress and sadness.
    As I sank, something shifted and I wondered why…why was I doing this? I’m at my destination, it’s where I want to be, it’s where I’m supposed to see, wouldn’t it feel good, better, even, to wave him off with a smile and good feelings?
    I ran alongside the train, feeling happy, showing my heart, waving and cheering, Bye! Bye! I love you!
    to the man on the train (he was ‘driving’).
    I felt happy, open, joyful, it felt good to show my happy heart!
    I turned around and walked back into the station with carrying my baggage (3 standard bags, not heavy at all!) with a light heart, feeling full of positive, bubbly feelings and feeling good about where I’m going 🙂



  16.  #16Tatia Dee on February 6, 2015 at 8:34 am

    Yes! Circular Dating!

    I love this quote:

    “Circular Dating is the answer. And why is it the answer?
    Because of Circular Dating’s brilliant effect on the one thing we all succumb to at one moment or another that does us all IN every time we succumb to it – A Sense Of Urgency.”



  17.  #17Andrea on February 6, 2015 at 9:11 am

    Siren Song: Practicing

    My Italian DID call me yesterday. He called and he kind of stumbled for something to say. He wanted to communicate that he would only be in town for the next two days, he wished he had asked for my phone number sooner, he wants to take me out on a date but when?

    I only had that night open. So he said, “Let’s do this!” I told him I have school and poetry open mic and then I have to get home and get my girls supper, I can’t change into nice date clothes, I feel scrubby.
    He said, “I’m going back to the hotel. I’m gonna change into jeans and a t-shirt so that in that way you will be made to feel more comfortable. Don’ worry Bout it.”
    I have to say I was charmed by his accent.
    He came and picked me up, with my daughters peeking out the windows. They said, “Mom, his car! Oh my gosh!!”

    I told them, “Let’s watch and see if he opens the door for me.”

    He stepped out of my lobby and he was out of his side of the car, came to greet me on the sidewalk, offered his arm to help me over the ice, opened the car door, helped me in the seat….. mmmmmmmm

    Oh and he was so nervous. He was handsome and smelled so good and he was kind of shaking and stammering like… “I feel all out of place here. I usually know where I’m takin’ my lady. I don’t know where to take you, but it’s gotta be nice.”

    I suggested three different upscale places that we could still look casual in. He chose one and the night was a dream. A DREAM!! He’s so old school.
    He chose in Italian place. I know he wanted to impress with his knowledge of the menu and the wine list. And he did. He did.
    I loved it. He ordered our wine, he suggested our dinners, he told me save room for port and tiramisu for dessert.
    And then we talked. He showed me pictures of vineyards in Portugal that he’d visited and was excited that the port on our menu was from a place he was familiar with.
    I just…. I was awe struck.

    But I leaned leaned leaned way back. I could tell when I was starting to get into “I want to impress him” mode. I backed off and quieted down.

    After dinner he was helping me with my coat and he turned me around and kissed me. We kissed OH we kissed. MAN! I melted into his strong body.
    But he just stared at me after. He said, “I never expected that. I never expected to feel that.”

    I didn’t ask what.

    But after that he was ALL OVER ME. He wanted to kiss, make out, he turned into five-hands Fran! Finally I had to tell him ENOUGH. I told him I have friends at the bar across the street and I can get my own ride home. Thank you.

    He was so apologetic. He asked me if I wanted him to take me home. I said yes. And then we got to conversate. I got to tell him that I am looking for love, real love.
    He asked me, “But didn’t it turn you on when I ..(touched you here, kissed you like that)…”
    I said, “I feel the most turned on when I’m with a man I know so well that I can trust him completely to protect me and make me feel safe and a man who inspires thoughts of forever.”
    When he got me home he kept saying.. I never expected this, never expected to feel this way, I just can’t say goodbye to you. I don’t want this night to end. I got to know when I can see you again.

    And that’s how the night ended. I just felt so DREAMY. Not really because of him, but because… I don’t know…. because I handled myself so well. I felt like a Jersey Shore Queen actually. I felt like a million dollars with him and like I was worth more.

    I was home by eleven pm and my daughters were up waiting for me to tell them about it. That was so fun.

    And then, as I closed my eyes to go to sleep last night, who should text me???? RRguy. Just to tell me some family stuff that happened to him over the past month and “how was I?”

    My heart did NOT leap. I felt…. hmmm blaze’. kind of bored with his text. I hadn’t heard from him in a month nor had I reached out to him. I felt bored. Like.. no connection at all. No anger. No harm done. No expectations. Just nothing.
    So I told him I was sorry for his recent drama and be well.

    I guess I don’t feel anything more than that right now. So funny.



  18.  #18Purple Rain on February 6, 2015 at 9:18 am

    Hello ladies,
    I Could really use a friend right now. I feel like everything around me is falling apart & I don’t know what to do & it makes me feel horrible bc I’m the one people usually come to for help.

    I feel like this yr has started off as the worst yr ever & i know it has to get better.

    Here’s a synopsis: my hours have been cut in half on my job, I have 2 sons & a nephew to support, I was experiencing relationship issues that I’m not sure I handled well because I was feeling the pressure from other things that were going on. The mother of his child talked my sister & told her they were getting back together & he told her i was nobody. I told him what was said & asked if there was anything i needed to know. His response was misery loves company & he was so tired of people bringing junk into his life. I didn’t feel that that was an answer. In the process of telling him that I didnt want my feelings hurt(which I know now hurt is not a good word to use) & that i didnt want to upset him. I mentioned that i cared about what i see and hear from him not what others say & that it was important to me to know where we stand & that I wanted honest open communication between us. I think I made him feel as though I didn’t care abt his feelings. He didn’t respond & i haven’t heard from him in 5 or 6 days. I feel like he shut down & i will be the first to admit that at the time I wasn’t considering his feelings I was focused on my own.

    On 1 hand I feel like I should let him be. If he really wants to be with me he will say something to me. His silence feels like confirmation that he doesn’t want to be with me. On the other hand his silence feels like disappointment & misunderstanding bc That’s how I feel right now. I feel the need to reach out to him in some way but I also don’t want to.

    I don’t want to lose my job and my man! Did I mention both of my vehicles broke down on the same day! I feel so low right now!

    Thank you for listening!



  19.  #19Cutie on February 6, 2015 at 9:27 am

    Wow, Andrea, I love how you handled yourself on your date! What great practice. I feel curious, were able to be warm and open when RR guy rubber-banded back to you or are you just kind of over it?



  20.  #20Cutie on February 6, 2015 at 9:35 am

    I’m intrigued by the concept of the men who show up being reflections of our own inner “boy,” or the way we take care of ourselves.

    For me, I don’t see it as quite so literal, as in my boy having the exact same traits or habits. I kind of take it more along the lines of this: If I am taking good care of myself, men who want to take good care of me will show up.

    I noticed a very big turning point about seven months into circular dating, when I began sticking by my boundaries no matter what, which to me equated to good self-care.

    For example, no same-day dates, speaking up to say “It feels icky when plans to change at the last minute,” etc. The guys who were in my rotation were incredulous and all fell off. And I did not care at all! Because they bored me to tears with their not-stepping-up.

    And then, a few weeks later, I met my guy. He takes impeccably good care of me. Though I do notice that when my own self-care slacks (not eating as well, procrastinating work assignments, skipping the gym, etc) that our connection does not feel as good, and I think it’s because my own vibe is off.



  21.  #21lovetodance on February 6, 2015 at 9:42 am

    andrea….
    you go girl!

    wellwellwell done

    and isn’t it amazing how they feel our energy…getting a text from RR guy when you so were not thinking about HIM….and so practicing your siren-ness with someone else….

    the universe and energy amazes me always!



  22.  #22Labbit on February 6, 2015 at 9:50 am

    Lotus — Would it feel good to you to bounce back the responsibility of defining the relationship to him? So when he says “I don’t know what you want,” you could try something like, “I don’t want to feel uncomfortable next time we meet. It would feel really good to hear what you’re picturing for our next date,” or something along those lines. I would stay really curious in your shoes…if you try to define it or figure it out on your own your mental picture may differ from his.

    Whatever you need to do to feel relaxed and open around him, that’s where I’d keep my head and heart at for now. If your interactions are making you feel off-balance, confused or icky then yes that’d be a hint to me that you’re not quite on the same page…yet. 🙂



  23.  #23Labbit on February 6, 2015 at 9:53 am

    15 Beloved I love your whole process for the rearrangement! I struggle with this at times too, taking things personally that really have nothing to do with me, and I feel so elated that you were able to stay open to your roommate and he offered an explanation without you even having to ask, that always feels so good.

    Your dream is really cute too. I love that your bags were not heavy, LOL.



  24.  #24Labbit on February 6, 2015 at 9:55 am

    17 Andrea LOL a Jersey Shore Queen! Your date sounds pretty magical. Kudos for slowing it down when things got more intense than you wanted…I can feel a more confident, in control yet very fun tone coming through from you and it is a DELIGHT. Love love love that he opened the door for you, this is a gesture that makes me swoon too.

    RRGuy, oh RRGuy. He’s gonna lose out on one heck of a Prize if he doesn’t step up!



  25.  #25Labbit on February 6, 2015 at 9:59 am

    19 Cutie — Love this. I agree wholeheartedly with everything you’ve said here. I have much more I want to say about this, but for now I’ll simply say that I too have noticed that the better I take care of myself, the more I fill myself up, the better men show up around me. Along with that the more I allow myself to be open, warm, vulnerable at all times the more men around me JUMP to take care of me in every way I want. I will let men touch my heart even though it scares the crap out of me right now. Even strangers.

    The other morning for example I was heading to work from the gym and I hadn’t brought a big enough bag to hold everything so I was carrying my sneakers, water bottle and a coffee. It was a challenge to say the least. At an intersection, a construction worker directing traffic came over to me, started chatting me up politely, and then offered me an extra bag that he happened to have tucked in his jacket pocket. It was the perfect size to hold all my crap! Normally construction workers are…how shall I say this…vulgar in their attempts at conversation with ladies on the street…so this was a pleasant surprise, like a smile from the Universe!



  26.  #26Labbit on February 6, 2015 at 10:17 am

    One more story from this past weekend. TenderCD’s oldest brother had invited him to a hockey game, but other plans came up, so Tender asked me to go in his place. I’ll call his brother Bro for this post. Tender worships Bro and while I’ve met Bro before over the holidays, I’d talked to Bro’s wife more than him.

    Even though this obviously wasn’t a date, I used it as CD practice anyway. Bro picked me up at TenderCD’s apartment (opened my car door, hooray!) and we were off. The hockey arena is only about 15 minutes from Tender’s place in heavy traffic so we should have gotten there very quickly. But Bro didn’t really know where he was going. We quickly fell deep into a great conversation and he wasn’t paying much attention to where he was going. So we got to the neighborhood where the arena is and then after driving aimlessly for a bit he pulled over to plug directions into his phone.

    The phone was reading off the directions to us but Bro kept missing them because he was concentrating on telling me a (admittedly really funny!) story. By now we’d been in the car nearly 40 minutes going around basically the same five square blocks over and over, the game had already started and I’m distracted because Bro hasn’t seemed to notice that we’ve been driving around in circles for like 25 minutes. He kept missing turns and I wanted to point them out to him…I felt myself getting tied up in more and more knots.

    And then, after he missed like his 10th turn, something inside of me clicked. I realized that we were having lots of fun talking…that Bro clearly was not upset with being lost or missing the game…that it wasn’t my responsibility to direct him or take over or do his job for him…that it wasn’t like we’d bailed on anyone at the arena and they were his tickets and I wasn’t set on going anyway so it didn’t really matter whether we made it or not.

    I just relaxed. Melted. Listened to him more deeply, really focusing on his story and being there with him. Gave up the agenda of needing to get to the game. I was just there with him. Speaking in feeling messages when called for.

    After about another 20 minutes or so Bro was finally like, We’ve missed like half the game, are you hungry? Would you like to get something to eat instead? And I was SO HUNGRY so I felt my way through some yes messages and within five minutes we’d picked a restaurant, found a parking spot and were inside eating at one of my favorite places I don’t get to much because it’s so far away.

    The rest of our ‘date’ was so awesome…super relaxed and fun and I got some good family dirt on TenderCD too. Funny stories from when he was a kid and such. Bro didn’t mention missing the hockey game once…it was like it didn’t even exist. And he kept saying things that made me melt like, ‘You are such a good listener’ and ‘I feel more like myself than I have in a long time’ and ‘I can see why [TenderCD] feels so whole with you.’ Mmmmeeellllllltttttteeeeddddd.

    TenderCD was home when Bro dropped me off and I felt like I’d lived through some kind of surreal experience. Tender asked how the hockey game was and when I told him about how we never made it, he just laughed.

    The next day TenderCD shared that Bro called him and could not stop raving about how much fun I am, LOL. What a good listener I am and how comfortable he felt around me and what an amazing fun woman I am. Score some bonus for me! And I think I learned a super valuable lesson about going with the flow sometimes and how that’s more important than holding on to my idea of what we should be doing…I liked all the good surprises that came my way…



  27.  #27Liquid Light on February 6, 2015 at 10:38 am

    Sorry going to vent a little…

    But could really use some perspective…

    I’m getting so frustrated because I just can’t seem to meet any quality men. I just keep meeting men that just don’t have a lot to offer, at least don’t have the qualities that I want. Why is this so hard? How do I meet quality men?

    It’s just the same scenario over and over again. I attract the same energy, in fact last night was a case in point. I ended up going out with a work colleague for a drink. We started at the same time and kind of bonded. That was 7 months ago. He and I have been trying to get together for a drink for a while to share our work stories etc. Ok, mostly its been him trying to get together with me.

    We finally did last night and ended up getting kind of drunk. We hogged up most of the conversation, and just seemed kind of dopey eyed over me. He gave me a kiss on the cheek at the end of the night which I kind of ignored. I hope he doesn’t remember it. Whole thing was a bit awkward for me and not something that I really want to repeat. I mean we work together and now its just going to be a bit weird with him. I’m NOT attracted to him in that way.

    So now I’ve got another man whom I’m just kinda ehh-whatever about. Same ol story.

    Where are the men that I feel excited about? The men I’m attracted to? The men that have something to offer?

    GRRRRR



  28.  #28Labbit on February 6, 2015 at 1:55 pm

    Liquid Light — Hugs to you! I know all too well the feelings of frustration, annoyance at the men who appear at times…the ones that put in little to no effort or aren’t gentlemen or just aren’t a good long-term fit.

    The trick is this. You don’t go looking for high-quality men. They’ll just show up. Really really. And I know hearing this is DOUBLY frustrating because then you might wonder well what the heck do I have to do to GET them to show up?

    Nothing. You don’t do anything except say yes to as many dates as you can stand. Everything is practice. Every date. Every encounter with a guy. All you need to focus on is how you feel in each moment. When you meet these men who aren’t so great, how do you feel? Can you express what you don’t want from them in feeling messages? Are there ANY moments, maybe even fleeting ones, where you feel really good? Can you learn to focus on those moments and hold onto them even when you’re not around a man?

    What you’re actually doing is cleaning out the icky energy from inside. The old stuff that you don’t need anymore, the old battle wounds and disappointments and frustrations. The more you date the faster you clean this stuff up. And then like magic you’ll notice one day that you feel lighter…freer. Happier. Melty. It might last; it might pass. You even start to think how much you love yourself. (At least that’s how it happened for me.)

    As that light-free-happy-melty sensation becomes more normal to you your vibe will lift and the good men start flocking to you like bees to honey. It just happens. There’s no shortcuts. Some people can do it quickly, others need more time. But it always happens at the perfect moment for each of us.



  29.  #29Lotus on February 6, 2015 at 2:06 pm

    Victoria – I love talking with you too! 🙂
    So just to explain a bit more.. I told him my fingers were tired of texting so then he called me more than 10 times to get through as he had bad signal, and then when I got bored of texting and the sexual suggestions, I said it would feel good to meet up and I want to get away from too much text and phone. Then he said ‘I didn’t think you’d want to see me’ (after our disagreement) and I said ‘You didn’t ask me and I wouldn’t be talking and texting with you if I didn’t want to’
    So he said he has to attend two funerals and has his mums birthday so doesn’t know his schedule for 2-3 wks. Then he asked me what I’m doing this weekend and he said ‘I know you don’t want to come round, but you could come round for a cup of tea.. I could probably stretch it to a bottle of wine haha.’ We had a joke and banter about it. So hmmm… Yeah he’s quite cheeky. I just know he wants to have s*x and get to know me at the same time.. I told him I need to feel trusting with a guy to have sex.



  30.  #30Lotus on February 6, 2015 at 2:11 pm

    Labbit – you’re right, it’s so easy to fast forward and actually my intuition tells me it’s too much too soon to go to his when I haven’t built up enough trust for him. And when we had a steamy kiss in his car on our last date, I was feeling a bit naughty and flashed my suspender stockings, and his hand was trying to reach into my knickers… I told him no.. And he tried again.. It was more in the moment as opposed to him being forceful. It’s nice when the pace is even but it wasn’t quite.
    Its weird, his sexual energy reminds me of my H.. And it makes me shy away more as I resist it.



  31.  #31Lotus on February 6, 2015 at 4:28 pm

    Oh my turn to vent.. this has been brewing for a long time.. and not sure how to progress..

    Ok I feel bored of this guy’s naughtiness on text chat and just want him to set up a 3rd date!

    Our interaction tonight:
    Him: Good evening?
    Me: Feeling relaxed with sofa and tv.. Felt amazed watching a freaky weather show.. makes me want to do something incredible.
    Him: Dancing naked in the rain?! 😉
    (Me feeling bored, so predictable)
    Me: A guy was surfing in the dark, and the waters would glow with electric blue as he cut across.
    Him: Weird and ..Amazing!
    (then he tells me he has a funeral date for next weekend so maybe he’ll ask me out this weekend?? I don’t know yet)
    Me: I’m going to slink off to my long awaited bath now..aaah. Maybe talk later.
    Him: Ok, pics of that?! 😉

    Before our disagreement, we had this thing where he sent me pictures of himself, the house he’s living in and which he’s doing up, of his design work, and I sent some of myself… we had a good flow for a while.. until he starts sending flirty suggestive texts again and I’m yawn… and not ready.. and I’ve told him that I want to get to know a guy a bit more before all that feels good to me.. He said he understands, pulls back a bit. Then he just can’t help it.. and says it feels like he hits a wall with me, that I wont open up….and play more.

    And since our disagreement, he seems to have come back even stronger, especially as we had a steamy kiss in his car and he keeps thinking about it.

    So, i haven’t texted back since my bath… :/
    Feeling awkward.. so listening to nice music and painting my toe nails…



  32.  #32prplpsn28 on February 6, 2015 at 6:20 pm

    I can totally relate to this post.



  33.  #33Lotus on February 6, 2015 at 6:25 pm

    So I responded to him with a picture of a kitten in a bath.. and I decided to keep it fun and light.. we flirted and then later he said it wasn’t the picture he was hoping for… so I said I feel a bit shy and uncomfortable sharing intimate images, although it would feel good to if I feel comfortable. He said he doesn’t want naughty pictures, just to see more of me.

    So, I stayed with the conversation and it opened up something difficult for me… he says I’m holding back and making it difficult for him to open up and trust me more, like I’m hiding something or am I just shy, and he wants me to open up and trust him, as he feels like he hits a brick wall with me when I don’t reciprocate with something. He said i’m making it extra hard for him to get to know me.

    My lines included: I need more to connect.. it would feel easier in person.. different environments help me.. I like to get to know a guy more before I feel trusting… there’s different ways to get to know me.. he says ok.

    So I told him I feel a bit untrusting because of coming out of relationship difficulties, my H’s affair.. and that my insecurities have been brought up being asked for photos. He said lots of girls sent him pictures without him asking them, and that he just wants to see more of me, especially as he’s shared some of him. I said I thought you’re a confident guy (he does have quite a hot bod), to which he replied ‘I am’ (no big surprise there – he sent me a pic of him lying on the floor only with pants on.. ahem)

    And he asked if I’m not ready for someone new.. and then he told me I’m not ‘the only one with a trust issue, but if we don’t open up and trust then we end up alone’. He told me that he packed up his business for his ex of 8yrs, for her career, and through their break up and her messing him about, lost his house and supposed friends disappeared, that he dug deep and got on with things. I felt a bit offended and said I have put myself back together again.. but he says I have to trust and open up, I said that feels a bit forceful. (I know I’m entitled to open up at my pace…maybe I don’t feel safe enough with my boy)

    He apologised for coming across as though he was having a go. Then his head is hurting and we’re going round in circles.

    So I see another mirror.. we’ve both been building ourselves back up after a traumatic break-up, and caring for our grandma’s (weird coincidence), and decorating the family home whilst rebuilding our creative businesses and bringing a new office/studio into family home (too many coincidences) ..and I feel challenged by his readiness to explore a relationship or a sexual/emotional connection.

    Yet I like talking to him as he veers between very light/fun to deep.. like we explore emotional and sexual stuff (well he tries and I hold back).. oh and he’s a Scorpio.. so very deep and I’m a Libran…airy and intellectual. It makes me laugh… Scorpions are water signs and wants to take me very deep, and I am on the edge with my toes in the water.

    My friend says I just need to go over and sort out this sexual tension… hahaha…



  34.  #34Lotus on February 6, 2015 at 6:33 pm

    Oh and he’s the guy who has the same name and car brand/colour as my H.. too too coincidental…. wa ha ha..



  35.  #35Mistea1 on February 6, 2015 at 6:49 pm

    Lotus 31.

    I feel red flags going up all over the place. Especially based on what I went through. Course you are you and I am me. But the mirror stuff and the coincidence stuff are a bit much for my comfort.

    Now I am adventurous and I would keep going but make sure I have my awareness and good senses with me at all times. You are very wise to keep



  36.  #36Purple Rain on February 6, 2015 at 6:50 pm

    Hello everyone,

    I need your help over here. I feel that maybe there is some confusion as to what i was needing from you all in my earlier post.

    I don’t know if I should contact him and express that the silence feels icky for lack of a better word & i don’t like the way that feels. I had been feeling stressed and overwhelmed about some things I was experiencing that i havent told him about and I didn’t handle our conversation with grace. Assuming his silence is his way of coping and not that he hates me.

    Or should I try to forget about him?

    In all honesty, I want to contact him.
    I need a connection to him if only for clarification of how he is feeling.

    What do you all think?



  37.  #37Mistea1 on February 6, 2015 at 7:03 pm

    Lotus,
    bah, on this computer it messes up;

    you are wise to keep a close eye on him. He sounds like he would take a lot of time and effort to keep your boundaries in place.

    Plus these ‘mirror’ and ‘coincidence’ guys to me means that there may be one or several rather involved difficult lessons to learn from this experience. Proceed with caution but it does sound like fun.



  38.  #38Mistea1 on February 6, 2015 at 7:36 pm

    Purple Rain 18,

    Reread your post, you are good at answering your own questions. Excellent.

    Remember the Rori tools to give him space and see what if anything he comes up with. This way you can lean back and let him demonstrate to you whatever. This is a good way to relax and observe and find out if he’s worth anything.

    If it were me I’d look at my other pressing responsibilities and prioritize them on paper. if he’s not stepping up to assist you you have everyright to exclude him from your priority list right now.

    Like Rori says, focus on your needs. When I am calm I notice that the situation automatically calms down too.

    We’re all human and often don’t handle situations with as much grace as we would like—but that’s life. Maybe I’d put this guy way low down on my priority list. Best to you Ms. Siren.



  39.  #39lovetodance on February 6, 2015 at 9:06 pm

    oh my online dating…sorta of like shock and awe for me….

    one really needs to feel huge self esteem and also be able to trust even in the face of the hugest surprising un-trusts happening….

    i am feeling hurt actually…
    the one that i actually thought really liked me….and i him…just cancelled our date for tomorrow….no reason…by phone message…just said ‘we’ couldn’t get together tomorrow…but we will….

    i don’t think so….
    i sent a message saying ‘i am surprised and wondering’…i didn’t want to say anything angry or negative…i didn’t want to say i am disappointed…i just didn’t want to go there…

    i don’t want to get together with him…not even a good reason did he give….and when i went to message him i saw he was online…lining something ‘better’ up?….just don’t know …but feeling like punched in the stomach..

    in all honesty i was having some doubts about him..in terms of how attracted i felt..but i kinda worked thro that today and started feeling excited again bout meeting him…i gave him all this credit [in my self] about the beautiful soul and heart he had…
    we have had quite a lovely back and forth with alot of excitement building…and then this…..

    i just feel sad….



  40.  #40lovetodance on February 6, 2015 at 9:30 pm

    ..warning riffing feeling badly………………………………….maybe it would be so much better to just say i honestly feel hurt and confused….

    are they that physic that they can pick up every little doubt and thought i have …that me getting un excited about him and excited again….that they feel all that?
    oh god i hope not….

    but this is just such a shocker….no wonder it takes so much for me to put myself out there…

    and then the other guy….lots of fun play online and on phone together…but i got kinda exhausted . he emailed me the next nite saying sweet dreams…i sent him a beautiful music video early the next morning…

    he called and left a message that nite…but i was too tired to call back that evening….and he is very verbal and very smart and i didn’t have it in me to keep up with that…
    so e’d him in the morning saying have a beautiful day and i felt happy that he called….that was thursday morning and i haven’t heard a peep…

    thennnnnn cuz i was feeling kinda confident because of my upcoming date and being giving lots of positive attention and feedback from the 1st cd [who cancelled]….i did against my own policy sent a message to someone kinda interesting….
    he messaged back tonite saying thank you but you live to far away and good luck…yuck…i have done that to others and it just doesn’t feel good no way around it….

    so i am striking out big time here….not feeling sireney at tall…..



  41.  #41Emerson on February 6, 2015 at 9:31 pm

    gawsh I’m really having to control myself not texting CuteCityCD….i’m feeling a little funky and hopeless of meeting someone I connect with, and I’m just feeling needy and lonely….

    I refuse to do that to myself tho…
    I’m still feeling peaceful and in love with myself haha…and I feel so thankful for my Mom. I realized tonight that she is one of my best friends. I thought of her when I really felt like I need to talk to someone like a best friend and in the past it would have been one of my girlfriends, but now it’s always my Mom.

    My Mom is one of the reasons I love myself, she has taught me that. She has taught me to take care of myself and to be ambitious.

    I still feel that positive feeling of love….I have been spending time in nature and dismissing the negativity I know doesn’t serve me….

    However…
    I still remain alone and not in a relationship….
    And it’s ok…
    Thinkgs always change..we shall see what 2015 brings…



  42.  #42Emerson on February 6, 2015 at 9:45 pm

    lovetodance…
    I am sorry you are feeling that way!! I don’t see it as striking out….
    I know it feels yucky I hear you….
    I try to see everything as practice and not get invested…I know easier said than done when we get excited about someone…
    it’s just something I’ve had to work on…
    with CD’ing …and that is the beauty of CDing…



  43.  #43lovetodance on February 6, 2015 at 10:02 pm

    thank you emerson….i do feel awfully sorry and sad for myself

    i just don’t know how to not get invested

    how to be open and un zip my heart ….how does one do that and not feel some investment, or joy for the attention and then zap…gone….

    yes i had my questions about each of them…and maybe they picked up on it….i just don’t know…i just don’t know….

    this one really blows my mind tho….was really feeling like he was real…..that he was really sincere in being very attracted to me….
    i did have my questions about him tho….but was willing to spend time with him…and then wap!

    i did write a draft online that i haven’t sent…waiting till tomorrow to sleep on it…so not like me…when i feel like this i usually do something abrupt and then i’m sorry….

    i wrote something about honestly feeling hurt and confused….decided what the heck….why play games about that?

    and that it takes two to decide to get together and the way i feel now …that would be a no

    thanked him for all the positive relating….and good luck…
    didn’t send it…which i think is wise…

    thank you for the positive spin on this…i just feel all my old wounds open and bleeding…i know this will lead to healing….god i hope so….

    just thank you for being there emerson….

    and good for you for not messaging cute city…you are following your wise siren intuition….
    and i know you will meet who you are spose to…when you are spose….to

    i need to say that to me now

    and so beautiful to read about your mom and you and how you feel about her…

    thank you for reminding me that i can choose to dismiss the negativity that doesn’t serve me….

    i feel a bit better but still feel like crying
    maybe i will in the bath…



  44.  #44Emerson on February 6, 2015 at 10:12 pm

    (((lovetodance)))

    Yes I understand it is hard to unzip our heart and not feel something…to feel invested…
    it’s tricky for me too…

    I just keep it light by keeping more than one guy around…which has been hard for me to do lately…
    I have been doing a lot of one date wonders…but I can still “CD” in public and use Rori’s tools….they ALWAYS work in attracting men to talk to me a haha…it’s the open heart and lightness that they pick up on….

    I plan to do this tomorrow ….I have some time off and I’m going to go read a book at a coffee shop!

    Oh Lovetodance…i’m so sorry for you feeling bad…I do relate to what you’re saying…it’s not easy and I appreciate your response to me so much….I feel heard and I feel your sincerity and kind heart shining through…



  45.  #45Indigo on February 6, 2015 at 10:26 pm

    Purple Rain,

    I’m so sorry to hear about your job.

    I don’t see any indication from what you’ve said that you will lose your man, unless there is more information that wasn’t in your post?

    What is your status between the two of you? Are you a committed couple? Engaged, living together? Just dating?

    I don’t think you have anything to apologise for. If you possibly can, it would be a much better idea for him to come to you, rather than you initiating contact. It sounds as if he is confused and processing his feelings, and you pushing him is not going to help. On the other hand, I get the feeling from what you’ve said that he might not be in the best place to do a committed relationship, so I am interested to hear what your status is.



  46.  #46lovetodance on February 6, 2015 at 10:28 pm

    emerson xoxoxo

    you are so helping me tonite!

    i am having trouble getting a date…gawd i sound like an awkward teenage boy….and i know i must be going thru this to learn more about where i am and how to move on thru this

    i love how good you sound…it feels to me like you have learned so much about how to take care of yourself with men with cding with life….

    i go about feeling like i know so much and then things like this happen and i feel blindsided and stuff comes up to look at again, refine again, learn deeper and see differently…

    yes taking things more lightly even in the midst of feeling the dreaded ‘rejection’….i know its me making the stories….old worn out ones really…and even if i am being rejected….

    i know how beautiful and unique i am…..

    i love me

    just going thro the alchemical fire to seperate the dross from the gold…or something like that

    much love to you beautiful glowing siren emerson!



  47.  #47Indigo on February 6, 2015 at 10:34 pm

    Lotus,

    I’ve had many a guy whom I tried to “casually date” tell me that they didn’t feel like I opened up and that I needed to learn to trust them etc. I have learnt about myself that with a certain kind of guy, I must seem a bit emotionally unavailable to them. But, this is not a bad thing. This is really about my timing, and about where I’m at in my life right now, and the pace that I can handle. I AM opening up, but it’s happening very slowly, and I realise, at the right pace for me. My point is, I wouldn’t let anyone try and pressure you to “open” and give yourself before you’re ready… I used to think I should try to force the process along a little faster, but now I see that I can’t. Use your own boundaries and comfort level as a guide. This guy clearly has an agenda of wanting to get sexual with you, and to do it before you are truly ready, and for me, this would make me feel very uncomfortable…

    If I really, really wanted to have sex and felt good about the consequences, I wouldn’t mind driving maybe 5 or 10 minutes, but I don’t think an hour train ride would make me feel very sireny at all 🙂



  48.  #48Emerson on February 6, 2015 at 11:01 pm

    Aww lovetodance ….
    I have felt so lucky to have this blog and all the sirens… I’ve learned so much …
    As Rori says… We can cd ourselves ….and let men come to us…



  49.  #49Emerson on February 6, 2015 at 11:03 pm

    My last comment is in moderation and I dont know why…



  50.  #50Indigo on February 7, 2015 at 12:51 am

    lovetodance,

    “when i feel like this i usually do something abrupt and then i’m sorry….”

    Maybe this is your lesson from this CD? I know this was a lesson I had to learn. I thought being in touch with my authentic feelings and expressing them meant that I should express my hurt and confusion and disappointment when a man upsets me. BUT I have learnt a big lesson here – and that is that these hurt, confused feelings are a tremendous gift, if you can sit with them it allows you to be with yourself and see what messages come up. Taking care of yourself, rather than expressing these feelings to a man (which no matter how you phrase it invariably comes out as criticism and blame) is a very valuable skill to have – something I am learning in spades. It’s a hard one (oh my it’s so hard) but so valuable. You are not invested in this guy yet so ask yourself where the hurt is coming from? And go to that deeper part of you and love it.

    “how to be open and un zip my heart ….how does one do that and not feel some investment, or joy for the attention and then zap…gone….”

    For me, I feel the way you do that is by making yourself the Prize. Or rather, remembering that you are the Prize. You get to allow men in to experience your softness and femininity and warmth and mysteries, but they are the ones who need to prove themselves worthy to stay in your life. You are the keeper of the emotional treasures… if they go, you still have that treasure for yourself or for another man. This image helps me to feel open, and yet not feel invested in a new man.

    xx



  51.  #51Sirenity on February 7, 2015 at 4:30 am

    Hi Sirens,

    Its been a while since I posted here, but I was moved to do so by this post ‘ The ring could be anything! ” Yes indeed and to me, mid 50’s , divorced 13 years and well practised at circular dating thanks to Roris guidelines, this “ring” is indeed something wonderful.

    Yes its a trip to USA for 3 weeks of fun and family excitement , (and we did an Asia trip last year) , and its having this high quality man beside me at family weddings and Christmas, and its having him fly in to spend time after surgery, and its having Skype and phone and email contact every day even when we are 2 hours away from each other. Its feeling like a priority to a man and like an enhancement to his life. Its feeling like my happy ever after is here and now today, everyday.

    Yes, no matter how old we are , and what we WANT in life , its possible, its real and its available.

    I don’t yet know if I want a band of gold . I am feeling very good about what i have here and now. I have learned to trust in love, and I dare to say, so too has he.

    When i came here 5 years ago I had no self esteem , I was addicted to an unavailable man and an imaginary relationship. All this changed as I let go and started respecting me, loving me , and letting go. Of course i CD’ed. And I persevered. I became the prize. My man has been beside me for 15 months now..despite our ups and downs, the longer term is a mystery I look forward to exploring.



  52.  #52lovetodance on February 7, 2015 at 6:12 am

    thank you sweet indigo….that is helpful….

    i really need to do need to sit with this and feel the deeper layers of all this….to feel even deeper ‘that i am the prize’ no matter what…



  53.  #53lovetodance on February 7, 2015 at 6:15 am

    sirenity

    so lovely to read your post…perfect timing for me….

    ahhh keep enjoying the love you are feeling inside…

    i feel lifted by your story…



  54.  #54Andrea on February 7, 2015 at 6:55 am

    Oh my Italian came down the stairs to the lobby of the hotel this morning looking SO handsome in his white starched business shirt. I wanted to flirt so badly.

    But… professional….
    Well, he ate his breakfast and then he and his business associate checked out and that was it. boo

    I am sitting on my hands here with the urge to text him a flirty little text about how handsome and manly he looked. heart flutter.

    But I realize that what I really want is for him to text me and tell me that seeing my beautiful smile this morning made his day…. or something like that.

    So, no. No texting from me. The Italian is gone and I had a wonderful, dreamy date in which I leaned back and did not give my heart nor my body away. And now I get to smile into my little flirty girl’s heart and tell myself how beautiful and flowy and bouncy I am this morning.

    The Italian has my phone number. We’ll see if he uses it.



  55.  #55Purple Rain on February 7, 2015 at 7:09 am

    Mistea1,
    Thank you for the insight. It makes me feel much better.



  56.  #56Victoria on February 7, 2015 at 7:28 am

    Andrea,
    I loved your date with the Italian!
    I have to say that from my experience, Italians are very good at flirting and making a girls head spin, it is like the national sport. I lived there for an year, never dated one, but saw them flirting and courting women ( me included), they are masters. And, I am positive, he will call you.
    I had a funny experievnce with a greek guy whom I had to take around for some professional meetings with me. He turned up to be good looking and a charmer even though a bit old for me. We spent one whole day together and I could feel the attraction building but next day he was gone. He called me about an year after that one day … and said he keeps thinking of me and would like to see me again. I said I did not think our paths will cross again and i have a busy life and wish him all the best. Men are weird sometimes!



  57.  #57Purple Rain on February 7, 2015 at 8:14 am

    Indigo,

    Thank you for responding to my post. Here is some background info and basically what happened.

    We have been knowing one another about 19 years. We decided to get together in 2009. We dated previously, but I wasn’t comfortable moving in with him and we weren’t married. And I didn’t want to be married. We were broke up for about 1.5 years. Recently (5mo ago) decided to work on getting back together. We “were” dating and had agreed to take it slow.

    On top of my job situation I also found out that I have a health problem. He doesn’t know about any of this. It all happened within a couple of weeks.

    It started like this: The ex, which he has a daughter by, saw a pic on my sister’s FB page of us at a game. She liked the pic and deleted my sis as her friend. They saw each other afterwards and the ex told my sister she did it bc he wouldn’t tell her who he was talking and she was mad about the pic because they were supposed to be getting back together and when she asked about me he said I was nobody only a classmate and I meant nothing.

    I told him I wanted to talk to him about it because I felt in the dark. All of that was going on and I knew nothing about it. I wanted to know if there was anything I needed to know.
    His response: I didn’t say anything to anybody about you and I don’t know where that all came from.
    Me: It came from your ex over a pic of us on FB.
    Him: misery loves company
    Me: I feel that my feelings and my heart is more important than the drama that is going on. Is there anything that I should know?
    Him: its always something when it comes to me. Im so tired of all the junk with people.
    Me: I understand. I always say that ppl can only do to me what I allow them to do. and I probably allow too much. I don’t like junk or confrontation. It doesn’t feel good to me.
    Him: For the record. I never used u said anything about u or tried to hurt u in any way. but im so tired of junk always coming my way.

    Now that im not in my feelings as much, I probably should have just took time to breathe and allow the situation to calm down, but I didn’t. I started thinking about my job, my illness, the doctors refusing to see, me and now this with him… and I pushed.

    Me: I want to believe the things she said weren’t true. ive never seen that side of you. (the ex sent FB msgs to my sister saying he treated her and her child badly, he never took up for her, he acted like he didn’t care for her, he mistreats his kids) he has always took up for me and done things for my children and myself.

    Him: silence
    30 minutes later
    Me: (mistake) I know that u know me well enough to know that I care about what I see and hear from u not from others. I didnt mean to upset u with this.
    Him: silence
    hour later
    (still in my feelings of anger, fear of loss) I cant take a hint
    Me: I shard this with u because knowing where we stand means something to me. I want open and honest communication between us. i felt and disconnected when I heard that stuff. Its not your fault. I just wanted to share this before I go to bed.

    I haven’t heard from him personally in 6 days. I didn’t consider his feelings or what he thought. I didnt ask. He has shutdown before and I texted him kisses. He called me later that day. He’s very sensitive and I know that. Ive picked at him because he will tear up before me during a touching movie. He cries in church sometimes. My sister said he posted on FB that he’s superman when he’s feeling up but he needs a superwoman when he’s feeling down. He also posted something other things.



  58.  #58Beloved on February 7, 2015 at 8:18 am

    Oh, change, change is afoot and I feel all fluttery, territorial, snarky, happy, scared, nervous…so many feelings!
    Our newest housemate is mid-20’s. I haven’t yet met her and from what TG says, she sounds like a total siren. She moved in while I was at school and won’t be back until Sunday. She’s already decided which bathroom shelf she will take, and the bathroom has gone from nearly empty to feeling overflowing…I must be exaggerating in my mind and it did feel shocking to open what was a nearly empty closet to find a half a shelf full of stuff.
    TG said, she came in, spent 2 hours in the bathroom, and left looking dressed to kill.
    Plus, she dropped off her betta fish, asked him to feed the fish for her for the next couple of days..and off she went.
    I feel my jaw kind of drop….what???
    I would feel so nervous and shy to ask anyone to do that. And TG agreed..! He’s kind of grumbly about it, and still, he said, well, he’s just going to get her to feed the birds one day when he needs it.
    I feel so nervous, I want us to all get along. I want where I live to feel harmonious and peaceful and happy. I want it to feel like my sanctuary and I just don’t know and can’t control how it’s going to be.
    I feel a little freaked out.



  59.  #59Indigo on February 7, 2015 at 8:25 am

    Purple Rain,

    We can’t know what’s going on with him, and 6 days is a long time to not hear from him. However, if you’re not a committed couple, 6 days isn’t necessarily all that long to a man.

    Please leave him be. You’ve texted 3 times without a response from him, and this kind of leaning forward can push a man away. Keep processing your feelings, and let him get in touch with you… hopefully then you will have a better idea of what you want to say to him (feeling messages). For my part, drama with an ex is something I won’t tolerate. If it were me, I’d steer clear.

    Sending you supportive vibes



  60.  #60Purple Rain on February 7, 2015 at 9:12 am

    Indigo,

    I felt that my messages were clear and deserved a response instead of silence. I was also feeling confused because it felt like I was coming down on him in my messages but I didn’t want to feel that way. I wasn’t coming down on him.

    I felt consumed by my health and work issues & may have put more pressure on him than was necessary over something that seems so minor now.

    I wanted a response from you ladies. You seem so strong confident and in control.

    I see a counselor once a week and her response was the opposite. She said to contact him. If only a text, not to say I’m sorry but to say that I didnt handle the situation as I would have liked possibly due to other stressors that i was experiencing.

    It feels right to me. It feels like something I should do but at the same time it doesn’t at all feel right to me. It feels unfair & chasing.

    I feel like I am losing time. I have wasted too much time already. He knows where and how to find me.

    I will make the best effort to work on me & doing things that make me happy and bring me joy.



  61.  #61lovetodance on February 7, 2015 at 9:24 am

    an update on my meltdown….

    oh my goodness….so many messages here for me….

    he called this morning….

    apologizing profusely for canceling

    his aunt passed away and he needs to go be with family

    [it would have been helpful if he had said that in the message, but then i wouldn’t have had the gift? of all i went through…?!}

    somehow i feel more open to him now…going thro this….and our conversation on the phone was warm and affectionate…

    oh thank you all guides who told me not to send the hurt angry message…the one i sent was ….’i feel surprised and wondering…’
    thats what he opened with in the phonecall just now…
    soooo you are surprised and wondering…

    anyhow this has been rich and painful…and thank you emerson and indigo for being there with your input and support….and also sirenity’s comment was so helpful….

    love to all the sirens….maybe my siren call is small and growing inside…. but definitly there…whether he or all he’s are or aren’t there….



  62.  #62Victoria on February 7, 2015 at 9:38 am

    Purple,
    I can see from the end of your post that you already know you need to focus away from him and only on you. And you need to give yourself the love and support you are seeking from him.
    I got a little confused about the ex – you said both that they are getting back togethet but also that he has mistreared her and the child…this is strange but probably also none of your business, the question is, has he been treating You right and it seems to me he has been punishing you with silence. You need to be super nice to yozlurself, not to him.



  63.  #63lovetodance on February 7, 2015 at 9:39 am

    purple rain…

    i don’t feel like one of the strong and confident voices on the island at the moment…but i can chime in with i feel your messages were feeling …..not blaming…yeetttttt….he was already in his back away for whatever reasons [i seems to me from what i read]….

    i feel what you wrote….

    ‘ It feels like something I should do but at the same time it doesn’t at all feel right to me. It feels unfair & chasing.’

    i would stay with the last part….the last sentence….

    just give this breathing roomm…do take care of You…it sounds like your job situation and health situation need your energy now …..your love energy….

    see how much you can re-lax, re-generate, re-visit how beautiful and full you are…i know this is hard because it is what i have to do all the time…and particularly last nite i hit a wall…but our emotions do change….no? yes!

    lots of support and blessings to you purple rain….



  64.  #64Dixie on February 7, 2015 at 10:11 am

    Purple Rain,

    I agree with the comments above… I know we’re not supposed to give advice, but I’ve been in your shoes before -I think most of us have – when I felt so strongly this urge to reach out, soften my words, explain what I meant, be soothing, be comforting, etc., while all the time, he was deep in his cave, and the more I reached out – even if it was out of love- he went furrrrrther into his cave.

    It felt so awful for me, but after the advice here I learned two things a) find your joy first. I mean, REALLY. Look after yourself. It sounds like you have questions about your health that need tending, so (big hug coming here) tend to yourself :).

    All the soothing and calming and fixing and pleasing – soothe, calm, restore and please yourself. Focus right now on you. I know, I know, it can feel so hard, almost counterintuituve at the beginning!

    For me, when I learned to sit down with my feelings, ohhh, so much, sooooo much, had to do with the fear of “What will happen if I don’t reach out?” All the time and energy I spend was really out of fear, not authentic love.

    But whenever your feel the need to riff, get it all out, or even simply share something wonderful that you miss sharing with him… we are all here for you.

    ((Hugs))



  65.  #65Dixie on February 7, 2015 at 10:19 am

    Andrea – Wow.

    I feel so inspired with the way you let your heart muscles lead your interactions with both the Italian man, but also with RR!

    As soon as you said that RR’s text did not make your heart leap, I just laughed here with you out of a feeling of recognition! It makes me feel so genuinely happy that you are on your path, and all these men are vying to walk with you, and YOU get to decide.

    How wonderful!



  66.  #66Dixie on February 7, 2015 at 10:34 am

    A little sharing because I’ve missed these board this week –

    Three things happened this week to remind me that leaning back works so well. Never mind that I’m so much calmer, and less anxious about this romantic path, but other signs have popped up:

    a) On Tuesday and Wednesday, I had to deal with very stressful situations at school, very aggressive, and one, very violent. In the past, I would have called D right away for some soothing and reassurance. But this time, I reminded myself that I have a wonderful Admin team who want to be supportive and a staff that feels like company, and so even though I didn’t reach out to D., I still felt so safe and supported by the people around me. When D., called the next day, I didn’t even feel the need to share all the details because it had been taken care of by others. In fact, one of the VPS visited my morning class 2x this week just to reassure me that they had taken care of the issue. It was a good feeling!

    b) Last night I visited my parents who are going through an extremely difficult time, and my dad (78) is now taking his stress out on my mom (67). I love them both to pieces, and after coming here, I can see the way they both trigger eachother when stressed, because they are hurting so much. Short strokes: they were, as well as myself, and my sister and brother in law, the victims of financial fraud, and because they are seniors, their situation is the most dire. Its felt so awful to watch them suffer through this as we all struggle for solutions for them right now. But last night, I just let my mom riff, I crawled into bed beside her (she was having a nap) and gave her a big hug. I let her vent for a long time, because she just needed to be heard. Then, later on in the kitchen, my dad came in, and I let myself listen to him… and it was SO obvious that my dad just wanted to feel respected and valued as someone who can take care of his family, and my mom just wanted to feel cherished. Wow. So on my way home, my dad suggested we go to the hardware store together since I needed to pick up some stuff and he totally relaxed as well. I felt so grateful and happy that I could be there for them, just by being there. Last night, my mom sent an email about how easy it was just to be with me, and how happy she felt afterwards. YAY!!!…..



  67.  #67Mistea1 on February 7, 2015 at 10:38 am

    Andrea, loved your Italian story, yum!

    i want to chime in on this idea of being the prize etc. I’ve had to remind myself of this since i’m only doing the email one.

    When I first came to that community it was with the thought of finding some friendly people to talk with and join a group of interest. That’s all.

    MusicTd decided all on his own to show interest. I even went over my thoughts about joining and couldn’t find anywhere that I said I wanted a rel.

    Then I remembered my marriage which wasn’t so hot. I took the lead on that one and figured this time I would only show interest if someone showed interest first. Then I found Rori’s site and decided to do what she taught.

    When he didn’t follow through in Oct with the little project he sugested I did my 30 day lean back. He never did follow though and I kept not approaching him and the times we did talk it was all his doing. So even though it was hard,
    I feel I did guard and put myself first throughout this.

    I will say that because it was his idea to talk to me I felt he really listened to me. I graciously consented to “listen to what he had to say” In true Queen of the May fashion and I think this attitude protected me from somwhat from the toxicity.

    Still hard though. 🙂



  68.  #68Dixie on February 7, 2015 at 10:41 am

    OOPS, this is long!

    2) Anyhow, the part that was the most important was that I didn’t feel the need or inclination to reach out and share any of this with D! I mean, this was just a happy feeling and savouring it on my own was perfect.

    3) The boy energy is taking care of me. I finally got started with my colleagues on our first Writer’s Festival at school, and I’m learning that I have can have synergy not just with D. It’s been a glowy feeling regardless.

    Indigo, you asked once if I was CDing – no, not yet. I do love D. dearly. I don’t know if he’s my forever man, but I will say that lately, with the Writer’s festival and some other things happening here, I’m just overall feeling so much more calmer, relaxed, happy and the most wonderful feeling of becoming in tune with myself. 2015 already feels so inspiring.



  69.  #69Mistea1 on February 7, 2015 at 10:45 am

    Dixie,
    The post you shared about your Mom and Dad was so beautiful. Thanks for sharing that.

    I know my daughter had to listen to me plenty when I was going through the hassle this past fall. she was very helpful.



  70.  #70Purple Rain on February 7, 2015 at 11:24 am

    Victoria,

    The ex messaged my sister that they were getting back together and spoke of him being horrible to her. I never experienced any of that from him.

    Lovetodance,
    Yes he was in back away mode! I tend to have that effect in people lol! No, I feel that he was backing away because I had begun leaning in too much. He would ask me to go bowling with him & i would make up a reason why I couldn’t. He would suggest that we should do things & i didn’t input much. I would say I wanted to do something and he would correct me with we.

    I feel like I should say something to him because I know how he is and I feel that he expects it. I’m the one to say something 1st in most cases when he shuts down. I feel that I should have given him the last words & i didnt. It feels like I pushed.

    I feel like i shouldn’t say anything because I had the last words, which held my feelings and it was followed with silence from him.

    I have an ex from years ago that I am best friends with now. We had fun together & we still do. He’s married now & his wife & i have become friends. I told him what happened because we talk about everything & the first his said was what did u do? U didn’t act like (my name) did u? Youre pretty good at running people off. It stung. It was so painful I didn’t ask for clarification.

    But Yes focusing on me is very hard. I’m so used to focusing on others. I didn’t use to have this problem. I feel that I’ve become a fixer and an over thinker in all aspects of my life and I really don’t want to be.



  71.  #71Purple Rain on February 7, 2015 at 12:21 pm

    Dixie,

    Reading your post I’m in tears. It has been very hard. He works very long shifts and he would text me kisses when he woke up. He knew I was at work. And he never went to bed without texting goodnight even if it was 1 am and he knew I was sleeping.

    I miss that very much. He would text me at work to see if I need anything. Of i didnt text back soon he would send hugs and kisses bc he knew i was busy. I miss him asking how was my day when I got off. Too be saturated with attention and then to feel pure silence feels awful. I don’t like the way it feels.

    I’m going to a New Orleans with a friend and her family although I don’t feel like but I know i need to get out.

    It feels nice to know that I have somewhere to come.



  72.  #72nyx on February 7, 2015 at 12:33 pm

    @purple

    reading the conversations… I think your man has things he should be telling you. Maybe he will, later. (Why didn’t he clearly deny her comment of them getting back together?)

    The ex… too much from that direction. If it ONLY had been the “we are getting back together” I’d really back off. But it is also the “this is SUCH a bad man, because bla bla”. Smells like she is after him and wants to scare you off by trying out different tactics. Trust your guy for now, but keep an extra eye out. Like it was said in another post above: “proceed with caution”. (That was Mistea to Lotus) These are wise words, and I will think of them myself 🙂



  73.  #73Dominique on February 7, 2015 at 12:50 pm

    Purple Rain – 60 – I agree with Indigo to leave him be at this point. You’ve reached three times. More reaching out will not only feel awful to you if he doesn’t respond yet again, it’s also going to feel bad because the dynamic between you is being disrupted, the masculine/feminine energy dynamic. In silence there can be great clarity.

    xxoo



  74.  #74Gemini Goddess on February 7, 2015 at 12:57 pm

    (((Purple Rain)))

    What are your favorite things that you bring to a relationship with anyone including a romantic partner?

    What are complements you have been given that just meant the world to you?

    What would your ideal FEELING be in a relationship?

    I would think about these things before I went to bed at night, and when I woke up in the morning, and wait for an answer to your questions to just show-up when you’re thinking about something completely unrelated…and know that they will.

    It will all work out in the end, and if it hasn’t yet, it’s not over.



  75.  #75Purple Rain on February 7, 2015 at 12:57 pm

    I don’t know how much more I can handle. A close friend just passed away. She was in a horrible car wreck. All I want to do is run to my room and lie in my bed under the covers and cry until I run out of tears. I don’t know what to do. Right now I would be call him and he would come hold me until I was done crying and tell me everything will be ok. I can’t breathe.



  76.  #76Gemini Goddess on February 7, 2015 at 1:00 pm

    Lovetodance

    I really appreciate this kind of “in the moment” sharing. I love the interaction between you and Indigo…wonderful insights, and practical application. I would have gone through the same mental and emotional gymnastics. Thank you for being so vulnerable.

    Wish I could write more, but home with my sweet kids.

    xxoo



  77.  #77Gemini Goddess on February 7, 2015 at 1:01 pm

    Purple Rain

    Go do it. Run to your room, and just cry, cry, cry. It’s okay.



  78.  #78Gemini Goddess on February 7, 2015 at 1:07 pm

    Labbit-

    Thanks for the trigger turn-around story!!! LOVE it.



  79.  #79Dixie on February 7, 2015 at 1:16 pm

    (((((Purple Rain))))

    We are here to console you whenever you need! I can’t imagine how overwhelmed you must feel dealing with grief on top of everything else.

    We know how much you miss the texts of morning kisses, the goodnights, the closeness and delicious affection, the feeling of safety and comfort an being cared for. But Dominique is right – the balance of energy is reversed. Be soft with yourself. Give yourself the love and understanding that you want to share with him.

    Purple Rain, we are right here beside you. You can’t see us, we can’t text you, but know that we are right here, as sisters and friends. I’m so sorry you lost your friend so suddenly.

    Cry, curl up, whatever you need to do right now.
    Breathe deeply, we’re here.

    lots of hugs.



  80.  #80lovetodance on February 7, 2015 at 1:36 pm

    purple rain

    i echo the lovely words of support from gemini goddess and dixie…

    altho this is cyberspace it is truely a healing space…so glad you have checked in at this time…or any time…

    sending warm comfort wrapping around you….letting yourself grieve….letting yourself be comforted by the ground, the earth, nature anything beautiful around you….this

    too
    shall
    pass….



  81.  #81lovetodance on February 7, 2015 at 1:40 pm

    dixie

    i feel your joy beaming out from the posts

    your inner strength

    your lightness radiating out

    such a process integrating what has given us support externally….and realizing it is in US all along….



  82.  #82lovetodance on February 7, 2015 at 1:42 pm

    gemini goddess thank you for your words today…to myself and others…
    i appreciate what you have to say…



  83.  #83Gemini Goddess on February 7, 2015 at 1:48 pm

    Lovetodance-

    For some reason your words to me have me tearing up.

    Thanks
    XXOO



  84.  #84lovetodance on February 7, 2015 at 2:10 pm

    gemini goddess….

    ahhh a big virtual hug sweet siren…
    its good to feel…..yes…..



  85.  #85Dixie on February 7, 2015 at 6:10 pm

    Oh, lovetodance – thank you for saying that!

    I don’t know how or when it happened, but somehow, I’ve noticed so many wonderful things happening right now for me – nothing have to really do with my romantic path, but the more I don’t pay attention to an idea, but just rather give it space somehow appears. I can’t even explain it 🙂

    It really does feel like leaning back, but not just romantically. The more I’m leaning back from worries and stress, and really just focusing on things that give me positive, powerful feelings, I don’t know… it feels like there’s a lighted path appearing beneath my footsteps, reminding me that I’m heading in the right direction. The fact that D. is on this path with me right now is so wonderful but I’m not focusing on anything more than in the present. The rest will fall into place.

    Here’s a funny story: this morning D called and sounded like a frog – just a sleepy growly voice and I said he sounded like a frog. We got into a very, very, silly discussion about being a pair of frogs (it really was very silly) and then… well, this is funny: I was supposed to drive to a friends place but its soooo snowy I just felt safer staying in and I watched the recent Muppet movie tonight (don’t laugh, it was so cute!). Anyhow, suddenly I’m watching and laughing because the whole movie centres on – oh, you won’t believe this even – two frogs!

    I mean, how am I not supposed to be happy when I see that the easier I feel about things, the more that happy moments seem to just come to me. I definitely feel doubtful and anxious some times, but its so much easier to sooth myself, and recognize moments of joy, big or small.

    Ahhh, this is a such a positive place to be and I love anything I can contribute here!



  86.  #86Dixie on February 7, 2015 at 6:15 pm

    And even just typing all that out reminds me how wonderful it feels just to be with a man who can be silly and strong and sensitive and sweet. And sexy.

    The clincher is that I can feel this good with myself, even BEFORE my Forever Man says (this is the part where I imagine what he says, lol)

    goodnight, all. This has felt like a wonderful place to be today.



  87.  #87Emerson on February 7, 2015 at 8:29 pm

    66 (((Dixie)))
    You sound like a wonderful daughter.
    Blessings to you….

    I struggle with being close to certain members of my family (my sisters can be hard to connect with….) but my parents and I are very close and I feel so thankful for that.

    So I know how hard it is to see them struggling or under stress….

    My heart goes out to you….



  88.  #88Mandy on February 7, 2015 at 10:19 pm

    My brain really hurts. I’m not sure if it comes through when I write, but i am seriously a masculine person…logical and using huge words and hyperactive and talkative. I could probably beat any man out in a public speaking, or a debate.

    I’m feeling like I’m over-functioning within myself right now. I know I got that Sireny glow back about a month ago, well, the obsessing and churning in my head is coming back, because I’ve lost touch this month – I am not feeling like myself, I’ve left a trail of lost important objects behind me everywhere, including a $150 purchase. I even had one of my recurring nightmares where J connects with someone else in front of me, which is not likely to happen at all. I have no fear of it in fact, literally speaking. None whatsoever. It may have a figurative meaning however. I have been this way since I was a small child, with the ruminating thing, especially at night. If it wasn’t about one thing, it was about another, it just needed for me to establish a fixation on a particular fear.

    Fear of infidelity, meaning fear of abandonment, with that recurring dream… I may feel very alone right now…and Labbit helped me think of a possible problem I could be experiencing…me telling myself it’s okay, smoothing it over, etc. Acting open and warm, because I’m hurting inside. I might actually be very good at fooling myself. I’m a good actress, so who knows…

    I may have to explore this, and keep it in mind when I react emotionally, and figure in if it seems like I’m acting, and tired inside because I have the “Heart of a Clown” (sadness behind a smile), or if I really do feel that way. I’ll definitely be able to tell. I know I have good cause for the hiding…it’s because it will upset my parents who are so close it’s uncomfy, and they will rain down some freaking hell on anyone around me because it MUST not be MY fault…psh, ya right, I do things wrong all the time, lol.

    I do wonder why I go in cycles like this…from being fearful to being depressed, and they all last about three months. It’s like, depression regresses, anxiety relapses, and if one thing regresses, another thing relapses. No, I do not have Bipolar Depression. It’s much less simple than that with me. I was born with the anxiety, the Depression showed up much later, when I started my periods at age 11.

    So understanding all that, having all that be a given, naturally I struggle with anxiety and sadness having to do with relationships, and that’s why I’m here, to better deal with common happenings within relationships, not on a logical, health-care setting level, but a true, raw level, where the thing that governs everything is the emotion.

    Emotion – Agitation or disturbance of mine vehement excited mental state…It is a powerful and irrational master…and I am its slave…

    Anguish, anguish, anguish. Worry worry worry.

    Ah, that really does it, it’s time to just sign up for some classes and let the wind take me some more.

    Or go for a walk, or just…meditate…



  89.  #89Indigo on February 7, 2015 at 10:39 pm

    Mandy,

    I found it so interesting that you mentioned the dream about J connecting with another woman right in front of you, because on Friday night I had the exact same dream about D. I was at his house, and I dreamt that he told me he was seeing a female friend called Tanya. I asked if he liked her, he said she wasn’t that kind of friend. I asked if he was going to sleep with her, he said, if he’s lucky. Ew! Yuccckkk! I mentioned it to him the next morning and he laughed it off saying the only Tanya he knows is a girl who hates him. I cried a little when I told him about it. Obviously it is a deep fear of mine, and I know it gets activated when I start making changes. I have been making a lot of changes in the way I interact with D, more feminine ones, getting more into my feminine energy and leaning back (I also have a lot of masculine energy – whilst I find a lot of aspects of being feminine very easy, I have a soft, quiet gentle demeanour, but I have been very independent and had to sort things out for myself for a long time, so it is a challenge in many ways to relinquish the reins and lean back into my feminine) These changes have had a positive effect, but as Rori warns, a lot of buried stuff comes rushing to the surface.



  90.  #90Indigo on February 7, 2015 at 10:51 pm

    I’ve had a lovely weekend, and though things are not perfect, I am enjoying my life a lot more. Some painful stuff still comes up for me sometimes, but I am clearing away the debris and dealing with stuff at my own pace, as and when I feel able to, as and when I have a breakthrough. I can see more than ever that this is about my journey and the people who come into my life reflect where I am on that journey. I spent Friday night with D – we actually had a couple of breakthroughs but mostly I was just so proud of how I handled things. I don’t have time to go into all of it here, but I can clearly see how I am healing and changing, communicating better with him, and most importantly I can see that it is getting easier and easier to keep the focus on me.

    Last night I had dinner with a guy friend who has actually become a dear friend. There is no romantic interest between us and that allows me to just relax and let down my guard, we are both very introverted and prefer an intimate dinner in a lovely venue to a loud night of drinking at the pub. We had great conversation and I really felt that my need for social connection had been met. I didn’t feel distracted or drained, I was just able to enjoy the lovely ambiance of the restaurant and being here with this dear friend of mine whom I felt like I could talk about anything with.

    Dixie, I echo what you said about lovely, non-romantic related things coming across your path. It’s a lovely feeling



  91.  #91Mandy on February 7, 2015 at 10:54 pm

    Indigo…Whoa, O_O…

    That’s super…weird…maybe it is something more common than we think??? Do you feel lonely or afraid of being abandoned? What do you think that’s about? Do you have any gut feelings?

    Wow, it’s weird, because I totally want to tell J too when I have one! I tell him right away, always! I say, omg, I had the worst dream! I saw you connect with this cute redhead at this club, and I couldn’t do anything to stop it…it wasn’t so much the scenario as it was the FEELING, that feeling of he’s slipping away, and it’s my fault…

    I KNOW that’s a lie though, Indigo, so if he does slip away, I know I just go, “okay, bye-bye”. And watch for the next “ship” as it were. How I am unable to put this very much into play, I’m not sure. I am just unable to leave a man. (That’s it, I give up, I’ll just be stuck forever, it’s better than feeling this grinding anxiety about FIXING IT! :P)

    Maybe it’s a wish, in my dream, maybe it’s a fear, I’m not sure, but I am astonished that it is happening to someone else, very much…I guess when I hear things about other persons, that sort of sound like what happens with me, I realize that things are probably more common than I think, and then I realize I’ve isolated myself somehow!

    Have I not been talking about myself enough here? I guess not, because no one is really able to relate to the J thing, that’s okay, but I was kind of hoping I’d have a communication breakthrough and I feel like it’s happening here on the blog. Well, that’s good 🙂

    Sometimes that feeling in the dream though is so horrid that I thank anyone who wakes me up!



  92.  #92Bree on February 8, 2015 at 4:29 am

    I was shocked when a recent relationship ended – we had been dating 2 years and he told me “he needed some time / space to think about our relationship” – basically he told me he loved things about me, but was not “in love” with me. He felt that taking a break would help him figure out if he missed or could ever love me. It has been 2 weeks – we text some (about non personal stuff) – I am not contacting him, but do reply when I hear from him. I don’t know what happened and I am not sure how to proceed ? Do I try to get him to talk ? or just let it go and see what happens? Is this normal for guys to do this and what could be the reasons why this would happen ?



  93.  #93Lotus on February 8, 2015 at 4:39 am

    I have been wondering what would happen if I open and trust more.. and last night in my text interactions I was being more flirty and revealing more of my fun side, and staying open, answering questions more fully, relaxing then seeing how the two guys would respond.

    One of them asked me what I wanted/ needed, and I thanked him as it felt nice to be asked. I said it’s too much to answer in a text as I have evolved so much and he said he will save that question for in person. I had been thinking how nice it would be for a guy to learn about how to please me, and this guy seems to want to do that. He said he feels that he has been here before, like he has come back to this situation to help or maybe there is a lesson he didn’t learn before… I like the talks we have, we seem to go deep… about spirituality, the Universe, our paths..

    And then on another note, the horny CD who’s an hour train ride away… well the problem is that I live with my dad so I can’t have anyone over…. and he has said plenty of times he would come over.. on our last date which never happened, we planned to meet in a neutral city and he was going to book a hotel.. and I had the option of staying if I wanted to, but then we had a disagreement.

    I’ve been warming to the idea of sending pictures of myself, as we’ve talked about it more, and I told him part of me fears I’ll be rejected as I don’t have the body I want, I’m not toned like I used to be. And he said I’ve got him all wrong if I think he will judge me on my looks… and he wouldn’t be asking if he wasn’t interested, and that he’s interested ‘cos i’m so relunctant… I know I’m a challenge to him which is why I don’t want to ‘gift’ myself to him…

    Yesterday after my run in the cold, I felt so exhilarated and when I got back, I realised how much I’m wanting a sexual connection…I was in my body and feeling good… and part of me just wants to go with this and explore…



  94.  #94Indigo on February 8, 2015 at 6:01 am

    Mandy 90,

    “Do you feel lonely or afraid of being abandoned? What do you think that’s about? Do you have any gut feelings?”

    What I will say is that what I felt in the dream was an intensification of a feeling I’ve had in real life. I know that dream showed up for me because of fear. Yes, I do have a fear of being abandoned or rejected, but I don’t think it was that in this case. I know that the world would probably stop turning before D would abandon me for good – a weird thing to say I know, but there it is. What I actually think it is, is that we are working through some issues that we have. And that always brings about a change in the energy dynamic, and that always brings up fear for me. The night that I had the dream, before we went to sleep, I was lying in the bed with him, and I felt distant from him. Instead of just lying there with the coldness as I would have done in the past, I got up, and got in my car to go for a drive. For me, this was changing a pattern. It was pouring with rain and I couldn’t see where I was going properly so I came back. He took the whole thing as me being upset, and so he got upset. Again, I changed a pattern by not making myself responsible for his feelings or discussing it, but giving him the space to cool down that I knew he needed. This shook things up a little between us – meaning it was good, but not familiar. I think that was why a burst of fear came up that night in my dreams.



  95.  #95Lotus on February 8, 2015 at 6:10 am

    Indigo – this shifting inside you is powerful… as you’re going through a transition

    I dreamt last night that my foot got pinched by a crab, whilst I was seafood shopping, and when I looked up the meaning it’s supposed to indicate that I’m being too protective of my feelings, like a crab moving side to side not being able to make a decision. And the meaning of seafood is about my seeking of emotional fulfilment. I thought how funny given my situation.

    I find dreams fascinating as they awaken us to the bigger potential of our choices.



  96.  #96Linda on February 8, 2015 at 9:57 am

    There is something that Rori stated in this post that really caught my attention.

    “Why did this particular man show up?”
    The answer to this question is simple and basic: A man shows up because he’s a mirror image of your Inner “Boy.” That got me reflecting on my past relationships and especially my last one with P. There were lots of areas of compatibility in our lifestyles, our preferences. We did take care of ourselves, (living environment, hygiene, budgeting etc) very similarly.

    It has me asking myself … “am I a bossy control freak, only with softer edges?” I don’t feel like I am. My problem solving, boy energy side is well developed and serves me quite well. It feel like P especially stomped all over my boy toes a lot. Anyway this is something I feel curious about and am looking forward to some elaboration from Rori on it.

    I am feeling a shift beginning to stir in me. I have been feeling waves of melancholy the last couple of days. Feeling melancholy (and some other feelings) tend to make me feel uncomfortable and squirmy because the certain “messiness” of them and that they stir up. But instead of resisting this part of me I am embracing it and listening to the messages in the waves. You know what I discovered??… my wants and needs and dreams are mingled all throughout these waves too! Oh boy! Who knew? I had no idea.

    Lately the universe is full of messages just for me. They have come thru from all over the place speaking gently but profoundly words of wisdom that acknowledge and validate me in that deep down “real me” place. I admit to feeling a profound balance in my life now and a comfort with truly the owning of my “own skin”. Sharing this here brings a peaceful smile and with it an energy to live “me” out loud on the outside.

    I certainly did not imagine that my life would be like it now or in other words “how it has turned out” to this point. But I feel a profound peace with it. I have certainly developed some great new life skills through it all. I have been standing face to face with the multi faceted barrier of “fear” in my life. Analyzing it and pushing thru it is next for me. I have such a desire to be authentic in every thing I do now. These feel like big girl steps.

    So much and so many here truly inspire me!

    xo Linda



  97.  #97Linda on February 8, 2015 at 10:30 am

    Interesting the topic of “fear” is showing up in the latest posts. I had a dream the other night that woke me up and when I was fully awake I had this overwhelming feeling of fear. The more awake I became the bigger it got. A few days later I cant remember the dream and the intense feeling of fear has lessened.

    One of my messages from the universe came from watching a program called Storytellers. It was the singer songwriter Jason Mraz sharing the story behind the song ” I wont give up”. He said he was in a relationship that at the time with someone that was “ok” but not really feeding his heart and he was trying to decide whether he was going to stay in it or leave it. Then he said he had to ask himself “who am I being” here in the midst of all of this and why am I not making strong choices for myself?

    Fear … fear of loss, fear of not being worthy of something better or of it not being better later. Fear of…. (fill in the blanks for yourself).

    Anyway he said that the song was written after personally discovering that he could make a strong choice in life and not give up on loving that person even if the relationship work out. That he could pursue his life and hearts path and not have to give up because he was worth it.

    It was profound for me.



  98.  #98Linda on February 8, 2015 at 11:07 am

    Indigo… your post made me think.. what would I do if I were in that situation? I came face to face with this thing in me that is knit deeply in me. At my core I feel directed by principle. I often make decisions based in this gut level part of me. This part of me feels very black and white and clear. It is like a room I walk around inside it confidently and the sign on the door labeled pride.

    I recall that I have actually gotten up (for reasons similar to what you shared) and left a man’s bed gathered my things in the wee hours of the morning, got in my car and drove home. It felt empowering that I actually made good to the personal promise I had made to myself to never stay anywhere or with anyone that did not “feel” good. It was a baby step toward taking good care of me and being my best friend and trusting myself.

    I know because of pride, I would not have gone back. I would have sat in a car by the side of the road if my journey was blocked. It would feel better to me than returning. Your sharing made me realize there are elements to my pride that I should be sure about exercising and know what is driving my behavior.



  99.  #99Liquid Light on February 8, 2015 at 11:16 am

    I had a really fun date last night with someone that is more like the higher quality man that I am looking for. He drove to my area though he lives pretty far away. We met for a drink but then ended up having dinner. He was nice, has an interesting job, seems solid (he’s a father with two kids) and has good heart. He seemed kind of stiff at first but as the night went on, he loosened up a bit and I could see his fun side. He likes to travel and has some interesting trips coming up. He’s of course not perfect and it would be easy for me to pick him apart but he’s got a lot of really good qualities so I’m trying to focus on those. He wanted to stay out longer and go hear some music but I wasn’t really that into it. I had a long day and usually I like to keep those first meetings on the shorter side. Luckily he wan’t able to find any music happening. hahaha He’s traveling next weekend which is good since there will be a bit of time before we see each other again. When we left, I saw that he had a REALLY NICE CAR. 🙂



  100.  #100Mistea1 on February 8, 2015 at 12:40 pm

    I’ve been reading the posts with interest. I remember when I changed my behavior because of something Rori said in her posts. I would feel really uncertain, fearful, wrong, bad etc.

    So I had to recognize that it was because I changed something and got out of my comfort zone. It wasn’t that I had done something wrong but it was just different.

    I’m having a bit of this feeling of wrongness even just giving myself time to practice. I have to tell myself every time it is ok to do this now.
    You may recall I had an old problem with my father not wanting me to play music and MusicTd being so territorial. I finally stole time on an expensive organ and got scolded by the authorities for playing it.

    I’m hoping time will soften this feeling of wrongness. I used EFT on it and will keep on working at it until I am at ease.
    Well, I’m off to practice.



  101.  #101Mandy on February 8, 2015 at 12:59 pm

    Indigo,

    I love what you wrote back to me. I like the changing the pattern. Sometimes J will freak out if he thinks I’m upset if I choose something different too. Changing the pattern…I love that.

    The intensification of real-life feelings, YES, I feel exactly that in my wierd dreams, too. In fact I just got up from sleeping, and what I do when I get up is go to my email then to this blog, and I had similar feelings in the dream I had before writing just now. 

    It was more like J was telling me we should break up in this dream, because of stupid reasons, like because I was upset in the dream, he’d just try to break up with me just because I was upset, and that is not reality for me at all, J is not the kind of guy to leave a woman, he just doesn’t do it, he’s usually the one who gets dumped, and so am I, so…maybe that’
    s the reason why we keep going, because we both aren’t going to do any dumping…

    Hm. I’ll have to chew on that. No dumping on either side means a possible co-dependant situation and possibly a security blanket situation.

    Okay, now I feel some anxiety and fear. I remember that…

    It was something I noticed, when I was 19-24 years old, I’d seriously no kidding been in a long distance relationship for five years, because I’d only had one boyfriend before, and i believe I did the long-distance thing because of fear of intimacy. Anyway, that’s what happened, and a friend told me it was a security blanket relationship, I wouldn’t let it go, because I didn’t want to come out of the cave where I was comfy to “See the light” as it were. Like Plato’s Cave.

    Whoa, that’s scary, See, I believe that having discovered Rori’s tools and programs after five dysfunctional and “serial-monogamy”, “security-blanket” relationships, I realized I had a Yes Man problem of being Polyanna and making light of everything and then shoving everything under the rug then wondering why I’d been dumped.

    When I heard from Rori, I can have any man I want, I loved the idea, so I tried it, and by goodness, it really worked on J. J is the one I wanted, possibly for toxic reasons of my own (He’s a “bad boy’, very serious, into industrial music, very stoic and strong, and just mysterious as can be.)

    I came this this thought yesterday – we really get our hearts set on a particular man. WHy do I always get my heart SET on a particular man, then never ever want to falter on that, like, I have been having issues other women would leave J for, bu I stay, because I have my heart SET on him. That’s a thing with me. That gumption got me through college and got me to lose 50 lbs and build muscle, but with him…

    With J…I think…with him, when there’s another person’s free will involved, that is when maybe it just isn’t that simple.

    I dunno Indigo, I’m just trying to step back and look at my patterns in relationships and figure out why I’m so hell-bent on J. Is it because he’s unavailable in a way, does that keep me reaching?

    I now it is what keeps him reaching for me in a gentle manner…when he blurts out i love you without being solicited for it…when he touches and kisses me, and holds me tight and strokes my hair…it’s because I have kept him reaching for me in a Sireny manner.
    With him, he keeps me reaching for him, by withholding something due to personal pain. That’s not healthy. Keeping someone reaching for you and being unavailable because you hurt. It actually sounds like he may not know he’s keeping me reaching and then being unavailable, because he’s caught up in his own emotions.

    He recently started on Wellbutrin again because he realized he’d been depressed recently. Depression, I know from first-hand experience, can make a person immune to other people’s needs, because it’s like you just can’t get out of bed, you just can’t even pick up the phone to call for help, and it’s not malicious, it’s not the person’s fault, and I stand firmly by this, being a disabled person and having had advocates for myself my entire life. I believe a person with a mental disorder needs to be given advocacy and understanding because their issues are tough cards they’ve been dealt and it’s just not their fault.

    So while he may be doing something he’s unaware of and I may be in a tight spot, it doesn’t mean he hasn’t tried to change his own pattern, I can see it very clearly he’s trying. He’s working a job where he just stands there for hours, bored to tears because they get no customers there, and he’s still looking for a second job and keeping the boring one. He’s trying as hard as he can to be all he can be, for me, too.

    He told me he wants badly to be enough for me. He wants to fulfill my every need. It is obvious he struggles with feelings having to do with guilt and just feeling sad because he hasn’t been up to “par”.

    So….we’re trying, I’m trying to understand what’s going on with me, I’m going through a process, and so is he.

    Meanwhile I had an awful CD the other day I’m trying to get over. Ugh. So that is impeded a bit, I feel like I don’t want to trust other men besides him right now.



  102.  #102Mandy on February 8, 2015 at 1:23 pm

    Mistea – great insight. I like that you joined in on that. Changing patterns, you know.



  103.  #103Mandy on February 8, 2015 at 1:48 pm

    Lotus, I liked your posts, 91 and 93.

    I relate to the body thing. I used to withold orgasm during sex to maintain an air of power with men, completely subconsciously. I didn’t know why I couldn’t, but I realized I was doing it, much later, when I had been analyzed psychologically. I often felt very very anxious about my stomach and thighs. I still do, even though I work out four days a week for an hour each!

    Also the living with the parents thing, did it til I was 30 😛



  104.  #104Zia on February 8, 2015 at 2:28 pm

    I was reflecting yesterday about how when my previous relationship ended and I decided to make the changes in my life to start attracting the right guy, one of the things I did was some feng shui, which included clearing out space for a man in my home. I emptied a drawer, I kept a bedside table empty, and cleared hanging space in my cupboard, and I kept that free the entire time I was dating.

    Over the past year, my bf filled the space in the bed side table, then filled the space in the spare drawer, and just yesterday he filled the space in my hanging cupboard. It feels really nice to see that happen, especially after being so conscious about leaving that space there. All of this happened at his own pace.



  105.  #105Millie on February 8, 2015 at 3:15 pm

    Hi ladies,

    So things have been going wonderfully with this new guy I’ve been seeing. I’m calling him “Waterfall man” because the waterfall of affection and love is constantly flowing towards me and it feels great! He makes me feel so desired and also very secure in a sense that I don’t “worry” about him at all. The anxiety I used to feel when dating someone doesn’t exist in this “relationship” at all.

    I do have one concern with him…and while its not a deal breaker right now, it’s something that is very important for me to feel in a relationship and I was hoping for some feedback on the best way to express this…without creating the opposite effect..
    And I’m just going to blurt this out and edit it after…
    It really turns me off when I hear a guy tell me he is bored or doing nothing. As much as the waterfall of love is turning towards me and raining on me….If he’s sitting around missing me, or being bummed that he can’t see me…and not being in his moment and cultivating activities for himself to be happy without me…I feel turned off. Waterfall man is very independent in the sense that he’s goal oriented, completely supports himself, and he does have his own hobbies and interests and isn’t a boring personal at all!!! He is very motivated, which is what I like a lot about him! But I’m getting the sense that he is a little emotionally codependent. He wants to be spend most, if not all, our free time together. I love that he feels so “into” me, and I also love that I have my own hobbies and things going on that I choose to do without him and can say no. But, it seems that he misses me a lot and would choose to be with me, than not be…and I’m concerned about his ability to be apart. We’ve only been dating for one month, so I don’t want to over-analyze as I’m still getting to know him…I just also know that I want to be with a man who enjoys his time with me and without me, who has fun doing his own thing… because that brings more to the relationship for me and realistically, even when you are married, people take business trips, people aren’t together 100% of the time. I foresee it being draining if his life revolves around me too much. However, I’ve also never really been in a dating relationship that has felt so smooth and wonderful…and I question if it is my resistance to intimacy that is turned off by “too much waterfall.”

    I guess it is about finding that balance of time and energy in the relationship…the ebb and flow and also communicating when I feel overwhelmed. I don’t want to push him away or ask him to change, I just would feel more attracted to him if he enjoyed whats in front of him, when I’m not in front of him. Does that make sense? Comments welcome..



  106.  #106Femininewoman on February 8, 2015 at 4:15 pm

    Millie regardless of what he says I don’t think you should take it on as your responsibility to take aware his boredom. He is just expressing how he feels. You don’t need to fix him. He will figure it out. I believe that women can be such sirens that men get addicted to you. I am not sure I would want to change that if I were you. I would imagine that if you are occupying the same space the experience might be different but have you ever asked him what he needs from you when he says he is bored?

    The Hendricks talk about the fear of engulfment in relationships. Maybe that is what is coming up for you. When you reach the saturation point of the amount of love energy you can take in then maybe that comes up? Maybe it is time to challenge yourself to open up to more and more love?



  107.  #107Mandy on February 8, 2015 at 4:16 pm

    I talked with a really cool lady today! I wasn’t feeling attraction, only intellectual stimulation, but man was it cool! This woman was so open and energetic and she’d been through so much, it was so awesome! I crave that! 🙂

    Sometimes I feel that with the Sirens, like, wow, what a cool lady she is 🙂 Dominique and Rori really have that cool thing down, not just in attitude, but the interesting part of their personalities.

    This is what gets men interested in us, lol! 🙂 Opening up and personality, being authentic and having something to say when you feel it 🙂 I feel very vital after that conversation with her. TeacherLady is her CD name, lol, because I even count intellectual stimulation as dating, lol.



  108.  #108Beloved on February 8, 2015 at 4:18 pm

    So, if the guys in my life are a reflection of my inner boy…and that means my housemate TG is also a reflection of him…then wow. I feel pleased. I feel totally ok with that.
    Our 4th housemate is moving in and I was hanging out in her room chatting with her and commenting on the incredible wall art on her wall. Well, sometime in the past few days, TG dug it out from who knows where and put it in there on her wall for her. It is exactly her style (mine, too, I was just looking for something similar last night!).
    I told her I felt jealous and couldn’t really complain since he bought me a great dresser the day I moved in.
    He’s just….like that.
    This morning was warm so he took the parrots outside so they could shower in the bird bath and shower he has set up for them. At some point he realized I might enjoy watching so he called me on the phone to invite me downstairs.
    Plus, when I got home, he had friends over, the fire pit going, and he made sure to make me feel welcome, invite me, made sure I got something to eat (although, none of them made me a plate…boo..haha).
    He made sure I knew I was welcome to the wine in the kitchen, as well.
    So…
    this is feeling kind of good.
    I’m kind of liking this 🙂



  109.  #109Millie on February 8, 2015 at 4:37 pm

    Femininewoman–
    I completely agree. I don’t want to lose this magical sirendom that is happening for me. I don’t want to solve his boredom either… Or be the solution to it and sacrifice what I’m doing. I’ve learned that’s not my role. I think asking what he is looking for from me in that moment is a good way to open up the conversation around it. He only says it when he’s by himself, never with me… I agree that would be a completely differnent issue.

    What the Hendricks talk? I am interested to know more about it, as I do agree that opening up and accepting love is a challenge for me.



  110.  #110Mistea1 on February 8, 2015 at 4:37 pm

    Millie 103,

    Oh yes, I hear you loud and clear. That’s one of the reasons I haven’t had a rel. for a long while. It’s one of the reasons I left my rel. in the past.

    It may be too early to tell though so no need to jump the gun here.
    I don’t know if my experience and reasoning will be of use to you but here goes.

    When my children got old enough to be on their own I looked forward to have time to finally spend time on my writing and get published. My husband decided he wanted me home to do him what I had done for them all even though I had less to do. I suppose I could have done the writing part there but I wanted to go to writing conferences and writers retreats and writers groups. He was a scientist and had his own interests too but I was not allowed to I guess. I wasn’t aware of the problem because when i had the children I also worked and went to school so my life was full. Just not with my own interests.

    One time I was visiting a couple where the husband had retired. He was sitting with me at the dining room table and his wife was in the kitchen getting us coffee. A water glass was on the table within his reach. He called out to his wife, “Dear would you hand me my glass of water?” She rushed in to give him his glass. All I could see was my husband doing that to me in the near future.

    Emotionally dependent on me? Was it a control device? Was he that insecure about the rel.? I gave him no reason. I eventually left the rel. when he started following me step by step around the house. I took him to counseling.

    I know of some people who went to counseing before marriage. The Rori tools with the lean back and such, help give us the clarity of mind so we can be a better judge before committment so I would make use of these.



  111.  #111Beloved on February 8, 2015 at 5:20 pm

    Oh, ok, wow, I just asked him about the art and he told me that he just made the frames for the paintings (it’s a quad) yesterday. “That’s what I was doing all day in the garage.”
    happythankyoumoreplease



  112.  #112Tee on February 8, 2015 at 5:37 pm

    Ok I have a really broad question. I believe I know the answer but I think my boy self is struggling as usual. How do you allow someone to be free?

    I have a partner that appears to need a great deal of space and while I’ve gotten some nice surprises by just letting him be, I have to confess that this is “killing” me.

    It’s like I just have the hardest time doing so. It’s especially bad at night because I’m home with our son so it’s like I have no choice but to be still and just imagine the worst. During the day, I feel like it’s easier for me to be busy and keep my thoughts occupied in other ways.

    I’m an introvert, I don’t have many friends to help combat any of this either.

    Mr. Man believes (and I do too. Mostly only in theory) that the more you try to restrict someone from doing something, the more they wanna do it. However, if you just let them go then they won’t want to do it so much since it’s no longer taboo.

    Like I said, I agree wholeheartedly, in theory. Sitting back and watching this mess in action is extremely difficult though.
    I feel hurt, rejected, offended, etc.

    I get so mad. I feel real stabby. I start diving into victim mode until he comes home. Sometimes I’m just relieved to see him again (abandonment issues) other times the feeling of the lack of control makes me wanna cry.

    Seems like I’m only happy and secure when we’re in the house together. Once he wants to leave, my walls start to go up to protect myself emotionally and I get real snark and distant.

    I’m still in the early stages of working with a coach. I just feel like I’m dying here. It’s such an awful feeling when he’s gone from me yet I know it’s not healthy. I’m trying to be better. I’ve managed to keep a lid on my anger/neediness for the most part but inside I am raging so hard that I can’t see straight!

    Please help Dear Sirens :/



  113.  #113Labbit on February 8, 2015 at 5:49 pm

    88 Indigo — Ahhh, I so relate to the portion of your post where you speak of having some parts of being feminine down yet also dealing with masculine aspects like independence. I struggle with this as well. Similarly, in my day-to-day life I’m soft, open, warm. Very feminine. But I also have a fiercely determined streak in me and it sometimes manifests as masculine bossiness.

    In relationship if I’m being completely honest I want to have my cake and eat it too. I want all the benefits of being the feminine-energy partner — being cherished, protected, having my feelings honored, etc. but I also want the masculine-energy benefits like thinking, deciding, planning. It feels SO HARD sometimes to lean back. I don’t know what to do with myself. (I mean, I do know but the impatient toddler inside of me just says NO really loudly.)

    I love the results I often get from leaning back, from being surprised when TenderCD comes through with something beyond my wildest imagination…seeing his masculine pleasure in closing the space…the obvious delight he gets from having his freedom and being with a woman who has her own life and pleasures. And yet DURING the leanbacks I’m always going slightly nuts inside myself. My brain chattering away…’How long am I going to have to wait this time?’ or ‘Why can’t I just tell him what to do?’ or ‘Doesn’t he FEEL all of this space between us too? What the heck is he even doing right now?!?’

    To be honest, I frequently numb out during these times of leaning back. All these old feelings coming up are often too much for me. I dive in as much as I can but when it gets to be too much I can barely make it back up to the surface for air. There are periods where it’s all great and flowy and I can absorb myself in whatever feelings come up. Then there are times like now where I feel drowning.



  114.  #114Labbit on February 8, 2015 at 6:05 pm

    110 Tee — Is the situation that Mr. Man comes home late at night? Are you home waiting for him to come home? Have you tried sharing feeling messages with him about this? When he comes home something like, “I feel so happy to see you, and I felt awful earlier…it doesn’t feel good to be home alone late at night…how can we fix this?” Etc.

    If you have tried that it hasn’t work, I’d suggest taking action instead. I understand that you have a son…is there any way that you could arrange to NOT be home for a night or two? Could your son stay with family, or a trusted friend overnight? You too perhaps?

    If you are feeling miserable and uncomfortable waiting for him, the best thing you can do for yourself is find something that would feel better. My ex-fiance used to do this early on in our engagement. He would come home from work later and later. It didn’t feel good to me to wait around for him (like you I’d make up horrible stories in my head, ugh it can be the worst!), so I started going out instead. I didn’t tell him where I was…or leave a note…or anything like that. He came home to an empty apartment and often would call me to find out where I was. More or less I started mirroring his behavior. He got the message very quickly, after a week or two he asked me why I was staying out so late at night and we had a great dialogue about it, and then it wasn’t an issue anymore.

    If he knows you’re always home waiting on him it can almost become like a game of sorts to him. He knows you’re worrying, he gets attention (even if it’s negative attention), and he doesn’t have to worry about you going anywhere. Might be time to shake that up a bit if feeling messages haven’t worked.



  115.  #115Dixie on February 8, 2015 at 6:08 pm

    Oh, I need to come here for a 5 minute break tonight….I live in a condo, with a 24 -hour concierge, and even though I ALWAYS feel super safe here, and never unnerved, I just had an unsettling feeling going into the underground garage.

    It’s so well lit, and there are security cameras, and I have no rational reason to feel uneasy, but I did. Just a spooked feeling.

    Ugh. This -THIS- is the moment when I wish D. was here to sink into, just to feel his arms around me. He’s been so protective lately, but even for this, I don’t want to lean forward.

    So I’ll focus on how cozy my place is, and how safe and feminine and wonderful and warm it feels, and all the protection I need is already here, in these four walls…



  116.  #116Labbit on February 8, 2015 at 6:20 pm

    Gemini Goddress this one’s for you. I am ready to riff.

    TenderCD and I have spent pretty much the entire last two weeks together so you’d think I’d not only be fine spending a weekend mostly on my own, in fact I’d be ready for it.

    Earlier today he and I ran into each other unexpectedly at the gym. I had a Girls Day yesterday and he had a Guys Day today, so it was him with a bunch of his friends in the class. We didn’t realize we’d signed up for the same class. Tender didn’t ignore me but I felt ignored anyway. I was clearly not his focus, he was way more interested in hanging out and talking with his friends. (Understandably.)

    I feel pouty.
    I feel angry.
    I feel angry when I’m being ignored.
    Ignoring feels like the opposite of cherishing to me.
    I feel ignored when I’m not TenderCD’s focus.
    I feel un-cherished when I’m not TenderCD’s focus.
    If I am not a man’s focus I feel ignored.
    Being ignored feels like abandonment to me.
    I feel scared of being abandoned.
    I feel scared of being alone with no one who cares about me.
    Abandonment feels like never finding requited love.
    I fear never finding requited love.
    Abandonment feels like death.
    I fear death.
    I fear the feelings that come up for me when I feel ignored.
    I don’t want to be scared of the feelings. The feelings are not as bad as all the energy I waste covering up the feelings.
    I want to feel good.
    I feel good when a man cherishes me.
    I feel filled up when a man’s focus on me.
    I need to give myself these things.
    I need to cherish me. I need to fill me up.
    I feel filled up when I make myself healthy dinner. I’m going to cook myself healthy dinner.
    I feel filled up when I have my workouts. I worked out the last 8 days in a row, I’m going to treat myself with a cookie.
    I feel cherished when a man wraps me up in his arms. I’m going to wrap myself up in my favorite robe and fuzzy blanket tonight.
    I feel loved when I take good care of myself. I will never ignore myself.



  117.  #117Rori Raye on February 8, 2015 at 6:58 pm

    Bree!!! I am so sorry this has happened to you – and RUN, do not WALK in the other direction from him!!! RUN – and start Circular Dating this minute! Please go to Match.com and OKCupid, and get up the snazziest profile and photos ever. Get out and DATE!!! This is your BEST shot with this guy – and, if you were daughter (and you wanted my advice) – I’d say to drop this man like a cold potato!!!! Doing this will totally help his attraction for you – and you have to participate here so everyone can help you do this! Also – I’d really suggest you get a coach to help you… The Certified Coaches are amazing, – and in about 6 weeks, you’ll have brand new Rori Raye Coach Trainees to try out for free! Love, Rori



  118.  #118Tee on February 8, 2015 at 7:59 pm

    #110 Labbit!
    Answer for Question 1. Yes
    Answer for Question 2. Yes
    Answer for Question 3. No, not consistently.
    I have to up the ante on that. It feels awkward and not genuine as of yet.

    I would love to take action but I’m afraid it might turn into a contest that I can’t win. I’m really not the going out, staying out all night type. My SO is the defiant/jerk off type lol he’s highly sensitive to feeling controlled &/or manipulated. So if I stayed out just to prove a point, he’d catch on and stay out longer. Now, I don’t know this 100% for sure but experience tells me that this is how it would happen.

    I’m noticing that he’s really an insecure man in need of lots of his own validation.
    He said the other day (he was drunk no less) that he heard I wouldn’t marry him.

    I think feeling messages would work best, I just have to be consistent and keep the end result in mind. I get so mad with his hanging out yet I don’t give him motivation to wanna stay in usually :/

    As for someone else watching my son, I’m afraid I don’t have too many people that I could leave him with. I would have to plan ahead, everyone is pretty much doing their own thing, etc.

    Also, I don’t have a car. This just adds to my frustration because I’ve allowed my life to become so small. I feel limited but I also know that I’m only as limited as I believe to be.



  119.  #119lovetodance on February 8, 2015 at 8:03 pm

    he has chatted me up very pretty…we have had some soulful conversations

    broke a date the nite before our first meeting with no reason in the message except to say we couldn
    t get together tomorrow but we will ….hmmmmm

    called the next morning to say a death in the family…can i call tonite ….are you busy tomorrow [i was]

    no call that nite
    no message or call today
    just now [ tonite] a message on the dating site saying ‘i got back , going to sleep now…sleep well sweet one.’

    yet he still looked like he was online…
    soooooo
    i don’t feel good at this..i don’t feel good…like maybe being played…
    i want revenge and i don’t even know him…

    my revenge woman inside says f….you, i will not return a call from you or a message [if you do either…]
    i just intuit that i am being put on the back burner….and I DON’T LIKE IT….

    my stuff yes….and i don’t like getting all this attention….then just dribbles….i am not good at this….

    do i just cross him off my [very short] list….or what?
    i know i am reacting very strongly….thats why i am using the island…i need a microchip coach in my head



  120.  #120Liquid Light on February 8, 2015 at 8:41 pm

    Millie, with your new guy wanting to spend all his free time with you, I would pay attention to this, don’t ignore it. In my last relationship, this same thing happened. For me it was after about 6 or 7 months, then he seemed to constantly want to spend his free time with me. I tried to accommodate him but after a while it started taking its toll. I need my down time to reenergize and to do other things so it became exhausting. In the last month, after a 10 day trip to Maui, I started to pull back a little expecting that he would respect that and meet me half way. But that didn’t happen, instead of meeting me half way, he broke up with me and immediately got a new girlfriend. Long and the short if it is that he was a very controlling, demanding person. I’m not saying that your guy is like that but I would watch and pay attention to how this plays out and don’t sweep it under the carpet like I did.



  121.  #121Gemini Goddess on February 8, 2015 at 9:32 pm

    Labbit 115

    …paste…copy…:)

    Thanks. I really love how you went all the way down and turned it around instead of continuing to spiraling. I felt like you riffing FOR me, by the way. So helpful. Were you able to “de-trigger” in the moment, or did you just “notice” it then, and deal with it later? How have you managed what to bring up in the moment, and what to process later?

    Things have been going so well with my D, it’s crazy. I have spent the past few years doing monumental personal work, told the universe on multiple occasions that my most earnest desire was to grow/heal as much as is humanly possible (for this human anyway). Sometimes I need a breather. My inner boy has been a total rockstar taking care of me. I am SO proud of that and I KNOW that D is a reflection of that. He treats me so well, it’s dizzying and…confusing?…to the parts of me that haven’t fully caught up. I still sometimes wonder when the other shoe is going to drop, but catch myself having these thoughts now, and remind myself of all the work I’ve done.

    With all this beautiful relationship result, is now also coming an avalanche of old crap. It’s great. I know that, and I’m thrilled (when I’m not overwhelmed, and sometimes when I AM overwhelmed), The last few weeks have been brutal, and though I’m better now I’m still ultra-triggery. I’m not even sure which trigger(s) it is some of the time, though I’m figuring out it’s almost all MY stuff. I’m attempting to UNtrigger myself on the fly all the time now (sometimes more successful than others), sometimes giving myself space, and often trying to decide between what to “feeling message” with D and what to let go of for now. A dude can only take so much, though I figure I showed up in HIS life because HE was ready to grow. His remarkable receptiveness to my feeling messages, and willingness to adjust corse is one of my very tip top favorite things about him. I tell him how “sexy” it is. 😉 I’m a bit sassy.



  122.  #122Indigo on February 8, 2015 at 9:33 pm

    Labbit 112,

    Yes to your entire post. Just YES.

    I’ve been in a management position for the last 5 years or so at work, but more than that I am so used to sorting things out for myself… pretty much my whole life no one did that for me. From a young age I got the message loud and clear that if I wanted something I was going to have to go out and get it for myself. So in many ways my independent, masculine instincts are hyper-aware. I think this really contributes to my feeling all the exact same feelings that you describe in your post that I also feel. I am exactly the same as you – when I lean back so much stuff comes up for me, and my thoughts speak away to me, all those same thoughts “what is he doing now?” “doesn’t he want to speak to me?” “doesn’t he feel the space, doesn’t he care?” “how long is it going to be this time?” In a way their voices have got a bit less persistent with time, that is to say there is less energy attached to those voices than there used to be.

    Just like you, I try to sink into the feelings and love them as much as I can, but sometimes I just blank out. There is a certain sense of putting myself in limbo, although I try not to do that. I find it all easier when I just accept what I’m feeling, whatever it may be… even if it is that screaming toddler (oh my gosh, I SO know what you mean with this one) or drowning sensation.

    I find it helps to give my masculine boy energy something to do to help me… obviously planning feel-good activities is a good one. Planning or taking action on important details in my life is another one that my masculine energy loves to do. Yesterday I went shopping for a new fridge and couch and to sort out an internet connection for my new apartment and that made my boy energy very happy. I find it also soothes my masculine energy to just let it run rampant on the problem-solving of the relationship for a bit… even if I don’t end up using the solutions that my boy energy comes up with. And yet sometimes, my masculine energy comes up with a useful suggestion that I can use.

    I just want you to know that I feel you, though. Sometimes the stuff that comes up for me when leaning back gets so difficult that I put myself down for a nap because I can no longer think about it. I think we need to give ourselves lots of credit and praise, we’re doing great.



  123.  #123Gemini Goddess on February 8, 2015 at 9:36 pm

    Lovetodance

    Microchip checking in…

    Oh, I feel you. I do NOT like that you can see when someone is or was online. Yuck! Yuck! Yuck! I remember that sick feeling with the online dating. I totally understand the rage feeling. I have that, and it scares the cr*p out of me. I’m still trying to figure it out.

    I would give him some time. His timeline seems fairly reasonable. Maybe he doesn’t want to seem to eager. 🙂

    Hang in there, girl!



  124.  #124lovetodance on February 8, 2015 at 10:12 pm

    ohhhh gemini micro…..

    you are soooo great!

    you know i know….

    its just that seed of doubt was thrown in….like was i tossed aside for another? and now just being kept in the corral so to speak….

    my niece kinda started me thinking this way….Oh Yeah a death in the family scenario….

    anyhow ….
    i want to be trusting….just want to not be led down some rose covered path….who needs it….?
    like if you aren’t REALLY interested go after what you are….already dude!

    like if it was me…if i had to cancel i would have made darn sure i let the person know i wanted to re-schedule and talk them soon about that…

    and maybe he doesn’t want to seem to eager….who knows…i’m so not in his head nor do i want to be…i am having a hard nuf time in mine!

    but you know…circular dating..i mean i too am workin on having other dates…..so he probably is doing the same thing…

    but i wouldn’t throw someone under the bus if someone else came along i’d rather spend the time with…at least oh please mr.bob….tell me i wouldn’t…no i wouldn’t

    anyhow i know this is an elaborate story that may or may not be true…
    and i will hang in there
    Gemini Goddess….i just not gonna respond right away to anything he may send me…



  125.  #125lovetodance on February 8, 2015 at 10:25 pm

    Gemini Goddess

    i just looovveee this

    ‘I have spent the past few years doing monumental personal work, told the universe on multiple occasions that my most earnest desire was to grow/heal as much as is humanly possible (for this human anyway). Sometimes I need a breather. My inner boy has been a total rockstar taking care of me. I am SO proud of that and I KNOW that D is a reflection of that. He treats me so well, it’s dizzying and…confusing?…to the parts of me that haven’t fully caught up. I still sometimes wonder when the other shoe is going to drop, but catch myself having these thoughts now, and remind myself of all the work I’ve done.’

    your request to the universe was/is so inspiring….i feel that has been my journey my whole life but i haven’t phrased it like that….and now at this stage i am tackling some of the seemingly biggest cement like blockages that i have carried, worked thro but not really…i have ignored, denied, not made important, stuffed, danced around, worked on in a back assward way…and done my best….

    but i haven’t prayed, exclaimed said outloud like what you said…’told the universe on multiple occasions that my earnest desire was to grow heal as much as humanly possible [ for this human anyhow]’

    and i am gonna try it…
    please send me a microchip download whenever you want! i am smiling….xoxo



  126.  #126Labbit on February 9, 2015 at 4:45 am

    117 Tee — I understand, that’s certainly a possibility. If this man cares about you though the more you lean back and give him space to miss you the more he can step forward and step up. I would encourage you not to take all the blame on yourself either, there’s no beating yourself up in this world! 🙂

    Either way, taking care of yourself and feeling messages are the place to start! If your world is feeling small to you that’s a brilliant recognition to have, a strong place to start from. Starting with taking care of yourself, making your world bigger is very attractive to any man but more importantly it’s healthy and empowering for YOU. Maybe start here? As much as you can forget about what he’s doing for now and focus on taking care of you. Love to you.



  127.  #127Labbit on February 9, 2015 at 4:54 am

    120 Gemini Goddess — In the moment I felt pretty good actually. I was really proud of myself because instead of falling immediately into a pit of insecurity and chasing after him like I would have in the past, I simply leaned back and let him come to me. And he DID, both before the class and after, to give me a few minutes of special me time even though he was with his friends. So in the moment we were actually very loving with each other and I felt fine. He loved me in his own way and when I’m calm I can see that.

    Later in the day though I started feeling the ick, the old triggers coming on strong. I know it has nothing to do with TenderCD really and everything to do with what’s happened to me in the past, but I feel a certain level of frustration at this point as these old triggers continue their onslaught. It’s kind of like, how much old stuff is in there?!? And when does it end?!?

    I love hearing about how well your boy is taking care of you and I think that’s where I have to go too. Allowing my girl to be fussy and upset but not giving any power or energy to those emotions…letting them flow through me while my boy takes care of me until I settle back into the peace and harmony I’m more used to these days.

    I am so with you on de-triggering on the fly, there’s been a lot of that too! Mostly like you I choose to not share it with TenderCD unless I’m so off-balance that I’m sure he can feel it too. A few weeks ago he and I had an awesome pillow talk about all the old scars getting more intimate with each other is bringing up, so we’re on the same page there. He too acts a little funny at times and I’m solid enough in myself now that I know to give him air in these moments and not to swoop into his business and ask what’s up. He’ll tell me if it’s important.

    Sassy feels so hot! I love bringing a little sass to relationship.



  128.  #128Labbit on February 9, 2015 at 4:57 am

    121 Indigo — Yes, you do get me here! It feels so great to be heard. I have been taking so many naps recently…same thing, just needing to give my mind and body a rest to recharge.

    After riffing here last night I felt much better for awhile. I could feel my energies settle and my mood shifted. This morning I’m kind of foggy again but I know this too shall pass. I feel an old habit of wanting to look to TenderCD for reassurance coming up but instead I’m going to go for a run before work and make myself a nice yummy breakfast and soothe myself in any way I can.



  129.  #129Labbit on February 9, 2015 at 4:59 am

    It almost feels like I’m just afraid to let go…let go of trying to make something happen, even though I know I don’t need to try to make anything happen anymore. I don’t know what’s below that and I don’t know what to do with myself. This is my next dive.

    TenderCD is running the show and he’s doing a fantastic job. I don’t need to step in for him. I need to learn to appreciate his way and not hold on so tightly to wanting everything my way.



  130.  #130Tee on February 9, 2015 at 5:03 am

    #100 Mandy! I ♡ your free flowing about J. And it’s truth. I think alot. Too much about Mr. Man. I often wonder why I’m stuck on him as well. There’s safety there, yes. My grandmother would say, The devil you know is better than the devil you don’t.

    I feel trapped inside my own issues. Like the mirror house at the carnival, everytime I think I’ve found my way through, I keep bumping into myself. It’s no longer amusing. It hurts and my scars are showing.

    I have intimacy issues so on some level, I chose a man who appears to need more space than I’m comfortable with which allows me to hold back. It makes me question myself, my attractiveness, everything.

    I don’t do the feeling messages because there are days when I wonder if he “deserves” them….but that’s just my fear of closeness acting up right?

    Does Mr. Man truly have intimacy issues? I’m not entirely sure. He loves to make love, laugh, be touched, talked with, cooked with, listened to, trusted, let go, etc.

    Seems like he wants/needs a woman who’s gonna cook him an awesome steak and potatoes meal with a nice cold beer on the side, laugh at all of his jokes, initiate some fierce lovemaking and then be ok with him if later on he goes out.

    He once said that if this were to be his (I guess) every day reality, he wouldn’t go out so much. I feel coerced by this notion. Afraid. It feels sexist despite the hundreds of times he cooked for me and just served me and my family.

    I feel like I’ve already withdrawn and it’s only a matter of time before he just quits on me.
    I feel like I’m so absorbed in my negativity that it’s the only thing that I have left to give.

    I don’t touch him. I barely allow him to touch me. I’m always pissed and feeling down.
    Why? Because he has free will.

    I focus on the fact that he drinks alot, he sucks with money and he doesn’t communicate “the right way” ….these are the sticks I use often to beat him with.

    I don’t think anyone is happy. Just existing in the same way we always have. I don’t want this. We have our awesome days but the minute he heads for the door, something inside me dies a little and I feel so hurt.

    Yesterday we were all hanging out with my little sister when he said that he was leaving. Immediately I felt so upset and fearful, wondered how much longer could I go on like this,etc. A few minutes later, him and my sister are going back and forth over something and she said…But you just said you were leaving! He said he had been joking, he wasn’t going anywhere.

    It just feels horrible how quick his departure can take me down. We’ve talked about it, but he’ll never fully grasp the depths of it for me.
    He still thinks it’s an issue of me not having friends outside of him.

    I hate this but I have to be truthful. It’s like my day consists of watching him for any signs of departure or of him not speaking to me in a way that I can take in.

    My coach keeps telling me that I’m doing great. To just sit with my emotions, and just allow him to just Be. I’m supposed to be doing the feeling messages along with this but I’m either feeling too hurt to do them or I’m feeling ok in that moment so I don’t feel that I need to do them.

    I just feel so icky. Like I’m getting worse.



  131.  #131Indigo on February 9, 2015 at 5:38 am

    (((Tee)))

    Where does he go? Is he just going out to socialize with friends? Is it this thought of him being with other people that is so unbearable for you?



  132.  #132Lotus on February 9, 2015 at 6:14 am

    Tee – 129
    Reading this post brought back memories of when I used to live with my H. He started to become more traditional and would be really happy if I cooked more and did more washing.. so he felt looked after more and I didn’t really enjoy it as our relationship wasn’t balanced anyway. I do think I was enjoying him looking after me, and now on reflection my boy wasn’t looking after me. I used to sink into video games, tv and my work.. and gradually suppressed my girl energy, my girl became moody and turned off to sex. He could see that I depended on him too much emotionally, and used to encourage me to see my friends more.

    And when he used to go out for exercise or out to the pub, it wasn’t until I realised it was his way of having space and going to his ‘cave’ so to speak, that I realised it was a time for me to feed my girl energy, like take a bath, listen to my music/podcasts, watch a girly film, read, paint my nails, call a girlfriend.

    It was also funny when my abandonment issues became less triggered and I could observe him more, I could see that he felt a bit sheepish before leaving the house, like a child looking to his mum.. and I remember saying to him once with a hug and a kiss ‘Oh, have a good training session… it’s ok, I know you need your man time!’ and his face just lit up as he felt guilt-free. It was a great click for me that I finally got it.

    When things got really bad between us, he used to stay out late, and come back drunk or drugged in the early hours, steaming like a train, making a racket getting home, sometimes crawling into bed and just annoying me, and since our break-up, he’s admitted that he was wrong to do that, although he used to apologise for it. I understand that’s because he didn’t feel drawn to come home to me as we had so many problems and I would sleep in our bed feeling so lonely and confused, as he still had feelings for another woman.

    It’s been a very long and hard process, but through looking after myself, pursuing my passions, connecting more with strong women who look after themselves, trying to be more independent – that I can now really enjoy the interplay between a man and woman.



  133.  #133Victoria on February 9, 2015 at 6:36 am

    Tee,
    I hear you and I have had several occasions when I have felt exactly as you explain it: the minute he heads for the door, something inside me dies.
    I have suffered from this for years, with different men. Even since I found this blog, in 3 months or so, I have managed to completely change myself, consequently, all my relationships have improved.
    I forced myself to lean back and it worked like a miracle. When you lean back, you take your energy away from the man, give it back to yourself, and learn to have your own fun things, WITHOUT HIM.
    And, when you no longer need him, he comes back. Or he does not, but you do not care. In my case he came back, and he is coming more and more, with small but noticable steps… I hope it can work for you too!



  134.  #134Lotus on February 9, 2015 at 6:53 am

    I had a date last night with a CD, who I have been feeling perplexed about as his body language shows no signs of him fancying me, yet his actions of texting, suggesting/planning dates told me otherwise. I was just getting platonic vibes, like I was good cool female company for him, and then I’d think to myself maybe he can be a friend I hang out with, he’s a happy, good-natured guy with some shared interests.

    And then I decided I will be curious and asked some questions to find out what was going on in our bubble, and I told him I’m used to guys making it quite obvious about what they want with me, yet I wasn’t sure with him and opened up that I missed having a close connection and wanted to go deeper with dates… We talked about our relationship wants and my separation. I told him I want someone to walk off into the sunset with eventually, and since I’ve come out of a long-term relationship I’m just wanting to explore at the moment to find out what makes me happy.

    I wasn’t quite sure what would happen but as I stepped into the waters I was feeling safe all the way. I was very pleasantly surprised to discover that he had decided I was worth the wait and would only go with my flow, whatever I was comfortable with. He told me how much he liked me but wasn’t sure how I felt, just that I would reply to his messages and accept most dates, and that he had now laid his cards on the table and feels a bit nervous about that. We laughed at how stand-offish we had been with each other.

    So it wasn’t until this fourth date that he has kissed me and held my hand (before that it was just a peck on the cheek), and he invited me back to his flat for a cup of tea, which I felt really safe with and we chatted for ages, before we got physically closer with a nightcap.

    And for next time he says he’d like to cook for me, make cocktails, listen to music and watch a film whilst snuggling on the sofa together. This is the scenario I’ve been craving, but where a guy treats me with respect, is a gentleman, and the bonus is that he’s only 10min away and he can come to pick me up! Yaya! 🙂

    Although my inner voice is realising I just miss these relationship moments and activities, especially as I feel burned out with talking and drinking, dating in bars/restaurants – I need the intimacy of indoors and want to go deeper with moments. And I know it’s because I do feel a bit lonely, want to feel adored, and really I want to have sex with a forever man… so will be holding that off for now.

    What was weird was that this CD brings up memories of DP as he has the same name, shoulders, aqua eyes… and I could just feel pangs of missing DP whilst watching his back as he was preparing a drink in the kitchen. I kept thinking oh this would be DP in a few years, relationship ready with his own flat… and I had to remind myself that this guy is offering soooo much more with steady energy, relationship experience, no airy romantic utterings to swoon me off my unsteady feet, his own means like a flat/car and what feels like straightforward realistic intentions. It’s nice to know exactly where I stand whilst I’m sorting through my own stuff.



  135.  #135Labbit on February 9, 2015 at 7:01 am

    Victoria I loved hearing about your Leanback diet. 🙂 And you are so right that it works like a miracle! I used to have such a hard time understanding leaning back…but the real issue is that I would lean back and close myself off, making it impossible for any man to connect with me. Now that I understand that staying warm and open is critical while leaning back it works much better for me…



  136.  #136Lotus on February 9, 2015 at 7:08 am

    I still have a problem where I want to offer a man a drink when out on a date especially since challengingCD complained about it being odd that I didn’t offer towards paying for meals or offering a drink.

    Last night after the restaurant meal, I leaned back when he asked for the bill and paid. And then as we were leaving, I turned around but chickened out of saying my thank you line… I don’t know why I felt awkward.. and he asked me what I wanted to say as he could tell I was about to say something, so I said ‘Thank you for dinner… I feel like a lady… when a man treats me.’ It felt so hard to come out!
    And then in the next place, I offered him a drink. And in the one after that, he bought a round, and then we wanted to stay longer as our chats were deepening so I bought us some cocktails as he had no cash and they wouldn’t take card.

    Does anyone else have a problem with money/drinks on dates? I’ve managed successfully on quite a few dates where I let the man pay for everything, but what triggers me is that I don;t want them to think I’m a tight-ass or selfish for not offering drinks. It’s in our going-out culture in the UK to offer drinks to each other or buy rounds, and in most romantic scenarios a guy is perfectly happy to pay for everything, but just to have the girl offer a drink or two.

    I understand it creates a friends’ vibe or it’s the masculine thing… and I’m struggling to work this one out and not feel bad for not offering unless a guy just does it automatically. Ick ick…



  137.  #137Victoria on February 9, 2015 at 7:20 am

    Lotus,
    I think who pays is very much culturally driven, so what is valid for my country may not be valid for you. ‘
    I personally think that the man must pay if he has a romantic interest. If they are just friends or colleagues of meeting for business, they may share of the woman may pay, depending on who has extended the invitation. But if it is romanttic, the man is the one to pay, and the woman may reciprocare for the man’s generosity once in a while by cooking dinner or offering a treat, but only occasionally.
    However, I know for sure it may work differently. A good friend who is from Finland always used to share everythiong half and half with her boyfriend, and they got married and are one of the happies couples I know.
    I think it is fine for you to offer to pay. If the man is sure he has a romantic interest in you, he will refuse your offer. It is a social dance 🙂



  138.  #138Victoria on February 9, 2015 at 7:34 am

    Labbit,
    You are doing so brilliantly with your man… and even so, you have insecurities and NVs once in a while… I am wondering, would these just shut up forever, for any of us?
    You said “staying warm and open”… For me, the challenge was to stay “sweet and loving” when he is severy late or cancelling our plans. But you know what, it actually works! I have trained myself in the following: I suspect he will be late, I have a plan B always ready if he is, and then, when he calls nervously saying he will be late, I say “baby, I love you so much, I will wait for you forever” and he is not sure if this is a joke or not, but then he meets me and he sees I am happy, loving and not criticizing and he says “you are the nicest sweest woman in the world”. I have retrained myself to think that him thinking that about me (or at least sayng that he does :-)) is in fact nicer than him being on time.
    Accidentally, he has become much much better with keeping times and has practically stopped cancelling. Go figure.



  139.  #139Indigo on February 9, 2015 at 7:48 am

    Victoria,

    I love your sass and confidence! It is inspiring!



  140.  #140Indigo on February 9, 2015 at 7:53 am

    So, to continue my series on dreams, I had a dream last night that was practically the opposite of the one I had on Friday night. I wonder what that means? It was a nice counter-balance to the other dream which left me full of fear. This dream last night was beautiful and soothing, and the feeling stayed with me the whole day. I dreamt that D took me to a rugby game and a female friend was there, one I had worried about in the past but who was never really a threat. She was nice to me and practically ignored D. He practically ignored her and I could feel his energy on me alone. It was beautiful and in the dream the weather turned cold and he said he wanted to leave and he took my hand and led me out of there. I felt so secure and enveloped in his love.

    Weird huh? I hardly ever dream about D. Well, I can feel my inner self is working through some deep stuff, doing some housecleaning as it were, so I expect this kind of thing to keep coming up for a while.



  141.  #141Victoria on February 9, 2015 at 7:53 am

    Indigo,
    thanks a lot! I am not sure exactly which part you see as confidence as I think I am doubting myself as much as the next woman/siren/mermaid 🙂
    How have you been?



  142.  #142Indigo on February 9, 2015 at 8:04 am

    Victoria,

    You come across as very self-confident and easy breezy to me, it’s lovely!

    I’ve been leaning back and doing some emotional housecleaning as you can see, which leaning back forces you to do. I have been Circular Dating myself, friends and other men, very casually; interacting more and more in the feminine with D, as much as I can bear, and seeing what that does. I am starting a new job soon that I’m looking forward to, and I can’t wait to move into my new flat… I am slowly picking out new pieces to fill it, I have a décor scheme in mind! It is all positive though, that much I will say…



  143.  #143Tee on February 9, 2015 at 9:39 am

    #125 Labbit, I do need to take better care of myself or rather let my boy take care of my girl? I get so distracted by Mr. Man that I’ll start off taking care of myself, then we’ll have a good time and I’ll expect him to take over from there. If and when he does, it’s pretty cool but when he doesn’t read my mind….I’m left hurt and offended. I keep falling off the horse lol

    #130 Indigo, I just think it’s the idea of him doing anything that I can’t see. I don’t think it’s strictly an issue of control or fear of him being taken away. I think that when I love someone I become unhealthily attached. I become so afraid something will happen to them. I do it sometimes with my sister. I’ll check and then recheck on her until she calls me on it lol. It only happens in spurts. Not all the time. I guess I feel like nothing bad will happen to anyone I love if they’re with me? Lol its weird but I try to talk myself down, so to speak, so I won’t act too crazy

    #131 Lotus, that’s completely and totally it!!! Thank you for wrapping it up so nicely. I know I’m not giving him exactly what he wants. I often feel like he just wants me to cater to him but he caters to me too. Maybe I’m too insecure? Too lazy but Yes…this is my story. Thank you!

    #132 Victoria, it’s funny but my relationship with Mr. Man is the only one where I felt this way. Granted I haven’t dated around much but when I did, the men were always chasing me because they felt like they wanted to tie me down. I see now that again, it’s fear of intimacy. If the guy I’m with seems to need too much, I run. If he doesn’t seem to want it much, I chase. I’m tired of doing both actually lol

    Mr. Man seems like my mirror and that’s hard. Awesome true but challenging. He won’t let me scare him off or chase him off. He does love me but he knows I’m not fully authentic yet, he knows I’m still timid and fearful. I think it upsets him because maybe he takes it as a lack of trust. He’s still mad because I won’t fart in front of him and I’ve known him since high school lol

    This is soooooo hard lol



  144.  #144Azure Blu on February 9, 2015 at 9:42 am

    lovetodance #40…
    Ohhhh… lovely… lovely Siren,
    I hear your siren song of feeling rejected and unlovable…
    I feel VERY uncomfortable reading how sad YOU feel.
    For I DON’t want that for you…
    But the Universe brings us our lessons, softly and often until we are able to understand them and then we can move forward….

    Maybe visualize your little girl…take your little girl (how old is she?)
    Gently pull her next to you,
    Put your comforting arms around her
    and explain to her…
    I didn’t know you felt so unlovable… tell me why…
    Share with me why… I am listening to you.”



  145.  #145Azure Blu on February 9, 2015 at 9:42 am

    Indigo #50
    Ahhh… so well put!!! thank you for your warm heart!
    oxoxo



  146.  #146Azure Blu on February 9, 2015 at 9:49 am

    Ahhhh Sirinity #51,
    What a GREAT story….
    Today i so need inspiration to continue on
    Learning to LOVE ME!!!

    I feel I have such a deep seeded pattern for WAy too many years…. 63 yrs
    of
    falling for the chemistry of unavailable men…
    I thought I had loved it out of me…
    But today.. I feel like I’m deep in the MIRE
    of imaginary, self centered men…



  147.  #147Lotus on February 9, 2015 at 9:53 am

    Tee 142 – oh I’m so glad I could wrap it up for you!
    It’s through total lean back and CDing, looking after myself I’ve come to realise how needy my H is!! And when I reflect now, I’m thinking maybe it’s because his girl energy doesn’t look after him – he doesn’t trust his own heart, suppresses his own feelings, not enough tender care for himself.

    I wonder if men ever get coached to harness their feminine energies! Woo… that’d be powerful stuff for the alpha’s out there! And I’ve been wondering, am I ok without an alpha, as long as my guy has some hunkiness to him and he’s in touch with his feminine side, that’s a nice start!



  148.  #148lovetodance on February 9, 2015 at 9:55 am

    i am just in the infant stages of even dating and having so many meltdowns which you darling sirens are witnessing…

    so my inner infant [maybe even my pre life if one believes in re-incarnation] is having many earthquakes, tsunami’s hurricanes all at the same time….

    i haven’t been in a relationship for 10 years….have dated as in very social in a dance community for most of that time and pushed away most when they came too close….for varying reasons….and got comfortable uncomfortable with an unavailable man for 3 years….

    in RR’s work and material i have been learning how to more gracefully dance with the different situations, feeling states, scenarios that present themselves…
    and i feel infant just beginning to toddle….steps, fall down, back to crawling, learning to sit up straight on my own, and lots of napping….yes love the naps!

    now i have upped the ante…wanting to heal, break these oppressive chains of where to start to name them…

    i relish this blog…reading feeling reflecting on all the different places, spaces sirens our in with regard to themselves, their men, their lives….all working on clarity, self care, healing…

    this is soooo rich for me…… and sooo helpful

    thank you all for sharing yours stories , questions, pains ,joys , successes, failures, bruises and victories…this is a place to heal, to dig deep, to go to when the lights go out…..



  149.  #149Lotus on February 9, 2015 at 9:58 am

    Azure 145

    Oh I too know the deep chemical spell of the unavailable man.

    This is why I’ve been trying to date guys, learning what I like in a guy, and giving the steady, good-natured guys I don’t feel chemicals with, a chance, and I just keep looking at them and staying with the good things about these guys, thinking about what they can give ME, and how this makes me feel.



  150.  #150Mistea1 on February 9, 2015 at 10:06 am

    Azure Blu145,

    I agree with your comment about imaginary self centered men. Me too.
    I’m wondering about the older guys are they too old, too afraid of change.

    I feel I’m just me and these guys are acting like skittish stallions. Right now i’m not particularly interested in any one even the new organist guy who is so ordinary. I asked him a question about sheet music yesterday and you’d have thought I asked him to have sex. He retreated quickly. Good grief you’d have thought he thinks he’s gods gift to women or something. Aaagh!

    Guess we’ll have to keep on keeping on.
    Lawguy and I have come to an impass on values and world views I guess. Nuts to him too.



  151.  #151lovetodance on February 9, 2015 at 10:33 am

    ohhhh azure…..

    thank you for your response….

    yes i can go there….

    but be rest assured i don’t stay…i feel quite different at the moment…

    and yes i do have young wounding….like all of us…

    i am feeling much more centered now…..and looking at my ever changing feeling states….thoughts…..reactions….

    this is a necessary process…maybe i am sharing too much spontaneously….i feel maybe so…i might get back to journaling with all this undigested stuff….

    and i do so appreciate your care….



  152.  #152lovetodance on February 9, 2015 at 10:38 am

    145 azure blu

    be rest assured YOU have come soooo far…

    you are catching yourself….

    just because you catch a cold now and then does not mean you don’t have a strong immune system….sometimes we need the cold to help build up the anti-bodies….

    you are a beautiful siren….with years of experience of love and grace

    whatever chemical is swirling now….will work thru your system once again….like the flu….and you will be the stronger for it…..:]



  153.  #153lovetodance on February 9, 2015 at 10:45 am

    lotus 148

    How wise and lovely savvy siren….



  154.  #154Azure Blu on February 9, 2015 at 10:56 am

    Indigo #121
    Ahhh… sweet Siren… how lovely is this!!!
    brings tears of love to my eyes…. thank you!!!

    ” leaning back gets so difficult that I put myself down for a nap because I can no longer think about it. I think we need to give ourselves lots of credit and praise, we’re doing great.”



  155.  #155Gemini Goddess on February 9, 2015 at 11:13 am

    Labbit 128

    “I need to learn to appreciate his way and not hold on so tightly to wanting everything my way.”

    Oye Vay…this is what I need to work on. Trying to parse out what is worthy of requesting a “style tweak”, as I call it in my head, and what to LET GO! I feel like I’m asking for too many and frustrating D. Goes back to that Indigo post about the gift. Where’s the line? Still feeling jammed up on this and it’s always been a problem for me.

    Example is exactly as your above, when I feel ignored, it is VERY hard for me to authentically lean back, and D tends to be somewhat myopic at times. Not a reflection of his feelings for me, and part of why he’s as successful as he is, but still triggers the “pout affect”, and my leaning back to draw him in, which ISN’T leaning back. It’s being pissy. I’ve been actively working on disengaging AND distracting myself on these occasions to authentically affect a change (still “doing”, I guess?), but maybe it’ll just be one of those things in the relationship where I will just always have to lean in a little(?), my boy energy taking care of my own girl needs(?).



  156.  #156Gemini Goddess on February 9, 2015 at 11:16 am

    Hmmm…. I sound very unsireny to myself in the last post. If it were someone else’s post I’d say “Stick with leaning back authentically for now. Still early. No hurry.”



  157.  #157Gemini Goddess on February 9, 2015 at 11:18 am

    Mistea1

    “Skittish stallions”. Love this!



  158.  #158Lotus on February 9, 2015 at 11:33 am

    Victoria – yes! I love that – a social dance.

    I take a step back, let him think and move forward. If he dares, he can spin me around and I will gleam with a bright smile!

    Recently, I keep telling myself ‘I’m the prize, I’m the prize, what would the prize do?’

    And last night, I felt all goddessy and relaxed, allowing the guy to kiss and hold me, and it felt good because he had been respectful, polite and so good-natured. It’s so nice when there’s no resistance on my part.

    Guys just want us to open and relax, yet so many of them just don’t realise that they need to take care of us more exquisitely. It feels so good to be respected. Haha.. this is a boy energy thing tho isn’t it, to be respected? or should I say to be treated with care and respect, so I feel like a lady. 🙂



  159.  #159Azure Blu on February 9, 2015 at 11:37 am

    lovetodance #151
    I feel embarrassed and stupid
    that I haven’t learned this lesson yet…
    about being attracted to a boy/man…

    I watched the Millionaire Matchmaker the other day…
    She uses many of RR principles…
    a dating coach said to one of the bachelors “if I wanted a man like you in my life…. I’d adopt a 12 year old boy!!!”
    Ahhh… that’s exactly what Spirit is…
    And he is my mirror…
    Soooo I guess I need to keep growing up my “little girl” so I can be attracted to and attract men who are grown up!!

    I am now practicing and receiving FREE therapy from a CD – FA- (2 months now) available, calm, adores me, talks about the future…upfront and honest about his feelings for me…
    BUT I feel bored around him…
    Mmmm… trying to build my love muscles
    by opening my heart and receiving allll (or as much as I can handle) the love he is giving me….
    Any suggestions family of Sirens!?



  160.  #160Lotus on February 9, 2015 at 11:58 am

    I am going to see my H tonight. I have prepared myself in my usual siren way, gone are my ways to repel any man. I have worn a crocheted top with flowers and a soft white cardigan. I celebrate my own beauty and femininity.

    My aim tonight is to stay present, to listen to what he has to say, and look at him with love and compassion for this man I have shared most of my adult life with. I will my feelings and higher self guide me.

    Wish me luck dear sirens.



  161.  #161Lotus on February 9, 2015 at 12:01 pm

    * I will let my feelings and higher self guide me.



  162.  #162Mistea1 on February 9, 2015 at 1:07 pm

    Lotus 159,160,

    Yea, Lotus, you’ve learned a lot. I know you can do it!



  163.  #163Victoria on February 9, 2015 at 1:20 pm

    Azure,
    I have no suggestions, you know it all :-).
    What is bothering you? You have not shared lately what is the most recent with Spitit?



  164.  #164Mandy on February 9, 2015 at 1:32 pm

    Thank you Tee!

    I realized I was kind of keeping myself in a fear box not thinking of these things critically.

    Yes the universe is begging me to CD. Dunno why I’m having some trouble.

    Anyone know what program Rori’s advice on making a dating website page is?

    I was just thinking, in the bathtub, where I meditate a lot, do I actually wish I had the strength to leave him?

    My mind is too clouded at the moment to judge but there is that question!



  165.  #165Kim on February 9, 2015 at 2:41 pm

    Azure, hello! Your post reminded me of when I was dating a lot, and dated some lovely good men, but just didn’t really ‘hit it off’ with them, i e I was bored.
    And I often asked myself : what’s wrong with me?
    Am I not supposed to want a good man?
    my answer wasn’t so much that i had to accept any good man even if he is boring me, but that we deserve to have it all, a man who is stimulating, attractive (to us), available Etc.
    And while it sometimes happens to develop, I found in general that if a guy was boring me to tears, I had to move on eventually. No matter how good or wonderful he is.
    You deserve everything!
    So while the free therapy is great and you are enjoying it, well why not?
    If it doesn’t feel fun anymore, well there are always others.
    The guy I am exclusive with now, and who is moving in soon, well he wouldn’t lerhaps for some be the most exciting, but for me he developed, but also in the beginning I felt that there was something more I felt curious about. I never felt ‘bored’ but I definitely didn’t know whether it would work out.

    He did get a lot more exciting, and our adventures get better and better after ever 1 1/2 years. We just had a romantic weekend in a different part of the State, he booked it all, was his idea…and we did some exciting remote kayaking which was in part hair raising, so yeah, enough excitement now LOL. Things are getting better and better, he is getting more masculine and therefore more exciting for me.
    My view is that things can develop, to a certain extent, but if someone bores me to tears, I wouldn’t pursue the dating relationship – I’d free up the time for others most likely…

    Hope you are really well!!
    xoxoxo



  166.  #166Lotus on February 9, 2015 at 3:01 pm

    Kim 164 – I love this post on being bored! yes we deserve it all, and why not?



  167.  #167Lotus on February 9, 2015 at 3:24 pm

    I’ve just come back from seeing my H.

    Urgh, I felt so tired, drained and stressed towards the end! It felt like a battle of the minds, and it was funny and tender at times too. We still love each other so much yet I feel we’re going round in circles, with no breakthrough.

    I feel resistant to him, like I’m protecting myself.
    I don’t feel attracted to him and haven’t for ages, and now and again I get little glimpses of feeling it. And then I think, what on earth is he wearing? He keeps frowning, looking awkward, and I feel myself agitated and annoyed!!

    He said I keep looking at the negatives and I said despite the positives, I can’t ignore the negatives. That I can’t use other people’s relationships as benchmarks, and I said well I don’t know anyone who’s been treated like I have! And he said that I’m not perfect, and that he was frustrated with me.

    What makes me laugh is that we never used to argue, and how refreshing yet frustrating it is now that we do. And we agreed that we’re not perfect. So blooming what?!!! URGH!

    That fundamentally he cheated more than once, why should I take him back?
    He said because he was stupid, he made mistakes, that he still loves me, he doesn’t want a divorce.

    He said because he desperately wants to make me happy, he’s tip-toeing around me but wants to be able to see me and talk. I said what does talking achieve now anyway.

    He said what would happen if he agrees to go to counselling, as I’ve asked him to, and I said it’s for him, and for him to heal, and I’m not waiting around anymore, no promises. It feels better to look after myself after he took me for granted.

    I told him I want to be valued amongst many other women, not because I’m the only one singled out… does that make sense?

    And then I told him my observations of his inner child, and the wound that is raw because he hasn’t been able to confront it yet, he then cried and put his head on my lap. I stroked the back of his head, and thought he’s still my baby. Then he asked me the craziest question: ‘Will you counsel me?’ And I said ‘No! That’s not sexy at all!’ and he said ‘No-one knows me like you do’.

    And when I asked him why he’s come back, he said because he saw me the other night with another man (we were sat a foot apart!) and he had a meltdown, drank a whole bottle of whisky, and his colleague had to go see him the next day, as he missed work. I feel a bit evil but I almost burst out laughing. I told him that he only felt 1% of what I felt when he was having his affair. It felt a bit like karma, or if I’m evil, a spoonful of his own medicine. Yet he’s not a bad man, just a man who’s made a stupid mistake(s).

    I feel so fed up.

    And I know these other boys are distractions… or are they reminding me of the choices I can make.

    Today I told myself, I just have to walk through the door, just follow through…

    That’s enough for now.



  168.  #168Lotus on February 9, 2015 at 3:27 pm

    Hmmm… just back from seeing H… puzzled as to why my comment is in moderation 🙁



  169.  #169Emerson on February 9, 2015 at 4:12 pm

    158 Azur Blue
    I like the Millionaire Matchmaker too! She’s great, and yes I noticed she incorporates a lot of Rori-like principles…
    Watching her reminds me to keep my standards high so as not to wind up with the 12 year old boy-man!!

    I don’t have any CDs at the moment officially….I removed myself from my dating sites altogether. Maybe will feel in the mood to try again later, but for now I feel bored, overwhelmed, exasperated, scared, annoyed and impatient with the men who have been contacting me.



  170.  #170Tee on February 9, 2015 at 4:55 pm

    I guess my posts are going into moderation again?



  171.  #171Tee on February 9, 2015 at 5:00 pm

    #163 Mandy. Thanks for sharing. Your post gave me some thoughts. I often fantasized about leaving Mr. Man. I realize now that it’s not him that I want to leave behind, it’s my issues.

    I just happen to associate my issues with him since he’s the only one who called all of this up within me.

    I can’t even imagine dating at this point. I can see myself looking moreso for someone to save me, someone to latch onto as I try to navigate life without Mr. Man.

    Just so tired :/



  172.  #172Mandy on February 9, 2015 at 7:03 pm

    Tee,

    I’m still trying to ponder that question, but even about six to 8 hours later after wondering, I’m still foggy as can be.

    I guess I do wish I could, because that would make things SO easy for me.

    I know Rori says you can do it, you can make yourself detach and just let your emotions about it sort of lessen.

    I may need some serious coaching on that. If I could cultivate the strength and the coolness to be able to go if I want, but stay if I feel it is right for me.

    Just being able to choose would be nice, not necessarily doing it, but being able to if I’m ready would be nice.



  173.  #173Tee on February 9, 2015 at 7:24 pm

    What feels right to me is interdependence. To want him but not Need him so badly. I don’t want my world to collapse everytime he leaves to go somewhere.

    I want to feel confident, safe and secure whether he’s sitting downstairs or 30 states away. I want to know and feel in the deepest of my depths secure and happy no matter what he does.

    I feel like I’m only capable when I’m pissed. And being pissed is not only counterproductive but apparently it’s very final feeling. Mr. Man and my 19 year old sister were discussing me during their food run this weekend.

    Mr. Man stated that I’m hard to talk to sometimes because I take things so personal. He says that I totally shut down.
    This isn’t the first time I’ve heard this ever. Apparently, my shut downs are hurtful to others. Like an eclipse, everything just goes cold and dark when I’m upset, leaving everyone off balance, timid and unsure.

    I don’t know how to remain open yet. I’m still too tender. I wish I could learn and reprogram without the pain



  174.  #174Tee on February 9, 2015 at 7:45 pm

    Sorry for all the Riffing but I’m trying to get it out. Mr. Man is downstairs. I’m happy to have him nearby. I see that I haven’t allowed him the space and opportunity to care for me in his way. I’ve wanted it to be in my way.

    Since getting his income tax check recently, seems like he’s doing all of those things he said he would. Maybe he always planned to yet I had no faith?

    I’m so use to managing and paying for everything that now I feel out of place. I feel fidgety, without something to do. I’m afraid that once this money runs out, we might fall back into our old roles.. .I enjoy being taken care of despite my feeling awkward about being in a more “passive” position

    I suspect he enjoys this too. Feeling like a man and doing for his family. Gonna make the best of it. I feel like I need to practice so many things yet I’m so fearful still.



  175.  #175Labbit on February 9, 2015 at 8:30 pm

    Tee,

    I wish I could wrap you up in a big hug right now!

    I want to say be careful about taking all of the things any man says you to heart. Men tend to project their issues outward while women internalize them. In dating situations and relationships men will often say things to their partners to make things easier on themselves. This is not to say that men do this maliciously, oftentimes it’s just programming they learned growing up. For instance, a man might say something like, “You know, my Mom used to cook the BEST fish and chips.” And then all of a sudden we find ourselves running off to find an even BETTER fish and chips recipe…jumping through hoops. If you’re not paying to attention to your own inner voice, your intuition, you might find yourself jumping through hoops and you don’t need to do that.

    When you feel strong in yourself it’s usually very clear what is valid feedback about the relationship and what’s more him venting. When I feel less strong in myself I often hear my boyfriend’s criticisms spinning around in my head over and over, and I make it a mission of sorts to ‘fix’ whatever the perceived issue is. Sometimes these feedback loops in our head are just clues we’re not taking good care of OURSELVES.

    And again, that’s where I’d encourage you to go right now. Don’t worry so much about him or what he does or how his feelings might be hurt or what he’s feeling. I’m not saying go cold on him — more that as you take better care of yourself this will allow him to RELAX and give him the space that he can step into and take better care of you. I wonder, could you be focusing on him right now so as to avoid feeling whatever feelings are coming up for you right now? I have so been here and I’ve felt such relief when I allowed myself to be and feel, much less stressful than trying to push the feelings down or figure things out or guess what he’s thinking.

    A man has room to step up when we don’t need him to. Feeling needy or seeking his validation is like a ton of bricks on his head. Maybe this will come as a relief to you as it did to me — you don’t even need to worry so much about trusting him or having faith in him; if you trust yourself and have faith in yourself all the other pieces fall into place.



  176.  #176Tee on February 9, 2015 at 8:45 pm

    #173 Labbit, yes this is very much how I can be. Mr. Man can say that he’s upset and I automatically feel responsible for causing it and responsible for fixing it.

    I think I’ve always latched onto people possibly in an attempt to avoid my own emotions. I feel the weakest at night if I’m alone. Feelings and thoughts come up. It can be too much.

    I’ve never taken care of myself so this is difficult. I’ve always tried to hide behind caring for someone else.

    I don’t know how not to worry yet. I feel fidgety without it. I find myself grasping at straws or anything to focus on when he’s not around.

    I’m getting there slowly.n



  177.  #177Labbit on February 9, 2015 at 8:50 pm

    Tee, you are doing SO WONDERFULLY!!! The very fact that you can recognize when you feel off…the way you used to be and the way you want to be…this is HUGE. Give yourself some credit lady. You are doing fabulously. There’s no rule that says you have to be perfect or heal this quickly or that quickly. You have all the time in the world. If slowly works best for you then take it slowly!

    Many of us latch onto men, or others, to avoid ourselves. I’ve done it. I’m still tempted to do it at times now! It’s normal human behavior…it’s just not in our best interests.



  178.  #178Tee on February 10, 2015 at 4:47 am

    Any sirens have any other ideas on how to let my boy take care of my girl when Mr. Man is gone? I seem to have the most trouble at night if he’s not around.

    The ironic thing is that if we’re in contact when he’s gone then I’m ok. I need to tell him that I enjoy that so he’ll do it more.

    I try to do what feels good, but at this rate I’m gonna gain 15 pounds lol

    I eat and read and watch movies and play online. I really don’t call anybody because I don’t wanna be that chick that Only calls because her man is out, etc

    Anything else?



  179.  #179Mistea1 on February 10, 2015 at 5:14 am

    Tee 176,

    I’ve been reading your posts and congratulate you on your progress.

    Here’s a small thing to do. Last month I had to use a warm compress for a small problem on my chest. After a few days of use I felt comforted to hug this warmth for the 20 minutes or so before I went to sleep.

    It’s a temporary thing to be sure and you could use a hot water bottle and wrap it in something soft.

    Let me know how this works if you decide to use it!
    Hugs to you.



  180.  #180Lotus on February 10, 2015 at 5:14 am

    Tee 177

    How about when Mr. Man goes out, Ms Goddess has a night in… let your boy honour the goddess in you. Write a list of things that would embrace you in self-love and things that would feel fun. Do something different to shake up the patterns. Let the boy organise a list of nice things, so you can always pick something to do.

    Some ideas are:
    – A nice scented bath with candles, music (with no words), gorgeous lotion to slather on after – stick a label on it that says ‘Love Lotion’ (this is a RR tool)
    – Invite a girlfriend round for dinner/ film/ wine
    – Make a new dish or something yummy, leave some in the fridge for Mr Man with a love note 🙂
    – Get a massive pillow and cuddle it, and feel soothed!
    – Blow some bubbles
    – Make a face mask and wear some fairy wings!

    One of my best friends and I, we love to arrange activities for when the boys are away, we call out to each other and say stuff like ‘Hey, I’m boy-less tonight, are you free, what shall we do?’ I think it’s so nice to enjoy girly company. Last weekend, I declined all dates (apart from one spontaneous one!!) and told my friend I requested her marvellous girly company. And she surprised me with a full day’s schedule and girl’s date! We went to the gym and steam together, sneaked some alcohol into the cinema to watch a cartoon, and then hit the town and got drunk and boogied.

    What’s important is that you have fun, get out of your ‘pretty little head’ and move towards things that make you feel good/calm/happy… I hope this helps 🙂



  181.  #181Lotus on February 10, 2015 at 5:21 am

    Tee – also I’m not saying have alcohol as I know too well its effects, and that you’ve said it’s not really for you, just whatever floats your boat. A beautiful and colourful virgin cocktail with a sparkler in, to celebrate your own femininity, why the heck not? You deserve it. 😉



  182.  #182Victoria on February 10, 2015 at 5:38 am

    Tee,
    I don’t know how your boy is, but mine likes to be very active. For me, it is the girl who likes to eat, and to read, and watch movies, because for her this is receiving. My boy is the one who gives, as in cooking, writing, fixing things, and basically anything in which you you produce/give something. Now, at night it is kind of difficult to be doing things, for a number of reasons, but mostly because if you have been active during the day, at night your would normally be tired and need to rest. So, the way I see it, you have two separate issues 1) what your boy to do for your girl and 2) how to get healthy sleep at night.
    My boy likes doing the following things
    1) any type of phisical exercise, running, swimming, dancing etc.
    2) cooking and cleaning the house
    3) helping people who need help/volunteering
    4) doing more work for your job (you need a job for this one)
    5) shopping
    6) meeting/talking with friends : there is always someone who has more problems than you, and being a sympathetic listener is a good activity, even if you can not offer tangible help.
    Another exercise I have developed for myself, when I am pining after someone who does not give me as much attention as I need, is that I develop a plan to hit on someone else. That is, I choose an innocent man, from my vicinity, and I design a plan how to win his heart. Mind you, this must be someone I have zero or very little atraction to. And, I design and execute the plan. I can tell you, there are a number of guys at work (yeah, I know, you need a job for that) that have been the beneficiaries of a lot of attention and flirting from me, and with them it is not a problem if I act motherly or sisterly and that I lean forward in a major way – at the end it creates new friends. This is pretty similar to the concept of CDing.
    I see you are actively thinking of how to get busy, I am sure you will come up with plenty of ideas yourself.



  183.  #183Indigo on February 10, 2015 at 6:30 am

    Tee,

    I see the Sirens have come up with some great ideas for you. It really can be fun, if you can just break down your resistance to doing nice things just for yourself.

    I think what is equally important is getting your mindset right. If you’re anything like me, I’m almost hardwired to feel a sense of deprivation when I’m changing a pattern, and until I establish more of a flow in leaning back, there’s this sense that I’m “missing out” on something. So, instead of thinking of it as this “hard” chore that I have to do, I like to think of what I’m gaining – softness, self-care, a new way of relating to men, to the world and to myself, the ability to trust. I am expanding my ability to receive and be wonderfully surprised when a man comes to me. I’m gaining a new perspective on a relationship, that will eventually translate into how I relate to my forever man. I’m gaining femininity and calmness, and the ability to be relaxed about relationships and the feeling that “I have all the time in the world”. This is a very lovely and comforting thought for me. I try to shift how I see things little by little all the time so that I can fall in love with my journey, rather than seeing it as hard. I encourage you to do the same… focus on all the positive things you are gaining, rather than on your negative feelings.



  184.  #184Azure Blu on February 10, 2015 at 7:00 am

    {{{{{Kim!!!}}}}… Darling Siren
    Sooo great to hear from you…
    I feel soo happy to hear your Siren song
    here on Siren Island… and how well and happy you sound with MoM!!! and you are still here in the States!! YAY
    Your melody rings sooo true…

    Spirit had stepped up in so many ways… even rethinking some of his beliefs on gays etc. and talking to me about those changes…
    Calling A lot more, instead of texting…
    TRYING to have the relationship talk
    “What more can i do so you’ll know I want YOU by my side” but then proceeded to laugh it off, bring up his old girlfriend and be too drunk to really talk…
    He even came up with a solution from the last time he stood me up…Calling before dates… and doing that!
    BUT I still have not been to his house or met any friends or family!
    Last friday, we were with MY friends (again, MY friends)
    They are all starting to like him…
    his golf buddies happened to be at the bar…
    They came over to say good bye and he DID NOT
    introduce me…
    once again I am not apart of HIS life…
    Throughout the night we were having good fun..
    BUT (too much alchohol) I started leaning WAY forward…
    pushing and asking why I still havnt been invited to his house,
    or met any friends and
    It would feel good to be given the christmas present he hasn’t given me…
    never met any of his ballroom dancing friends either (but I didn’t bring this up)
    I invited him to my house afterwards…
    I knew this was WAY over stepping MY boundaries…
    The imbalance of energy, for me, of NOT ever being at his place… just became VERY clear again at this point… BUT I IGNORED MY FEELINGS

    He came over, we were playing around on the couch while my son and his friend were upstairs.
    AGAIN…I didn’t like this but didn’t say how I felt…
    He then brought up something about politics
    I got VERY angry and thru him out…

    I DO want a relationship where the man can express his feelings for ME
    without me having to read between the lines (old family baggage)
    I DONT want a relationship where It feels like WORK
    I’m exhausted…
    He triggers many old stories for me…
    I feel good letting him go…
    BECAUSE this opens up a NEW DAY
    for me…
    Now I want to continue on my journey
    and learn to practice with
    more and more QUALITY MEN.

    Thank you Sirens for all your vulnerable sharing of your authentic hearts…
    listening to my Siren Song
    and singing with me!!
    Huggs and kissesess



  185.  #185Azure Blu on February 10, 2015 at 7:04 am

    Indigo #181
    Ahhh… love this!!
    all the positive things I’m gaining from getting outside MY comfort zone.
    thank you…



  186.  #186Azure Blu on February 10, 2015 at 7:05 am

    Sophie… wondering how you are, where you are!!
    Missing YOUR melody!



  187.  #187Mistea1 on February 10, 2015 at 7:10 am

    Azure Blu 182,

    good cautionary tale for me, especially “proceeded to laugh it off.” etc. You are very brave dear siren. Keep your boundaries strong.

    Hopefully, Music Td will never get that far.



  188.  #188Indigo on February 10, 2015 at 7:11 am

    (((Azure Blu))) x



  189.  #189Azure Blu on February 10, 2015 at 7:38 am

    Thank you Indigo…

    PS I just read Rori’s new enewsletter…
    Great advise on difussing a situation…

    too much to drink (2 glasses of wine is MY limit, i had 3) AND a Full moon!!! ;-0
    I feel, lead to me NOT listening to MY boundaries…
    I wasn’t able to lean back and take good care of ME…
    I certainly NEVER like to raise my voice to ANYONE!

    It will feel VERY good to me…
    From now on…
    to stick to my 2 glasses of wine limit

    I do love what Indigo said a few posts back
    Giving ourselves a nap and lots of praise for how far we have allllll come!! YES…

    I know I will miss Spirit, second guess myself, crave his laugh, touch, talks, kisses…

    BUT I am noticing MY NOW,
    bringing out my boy energy to take care of alll the Great clients I have, giving exquisite loving connection to my home, my children, grandchildren and family
    and dating more CDs… staying on MY horse…
    I feel happy today…
    sooo much of this good feeling is BECAUSE of
    all you lovely sirens…
    You are a tremedous support…. love you…



  190.  #190Azure Blu on February 10, 2015 at 7:40 am

    (((MisTea)))
    thank you



  191.  #191Mistea1 on February 10, 2015 at 8:42 am

    Lotus 166,

    I just got through reading Kosher Lust by Rabbi Shmuley Boteach. I read it through twice and got a lot out of it. It is meant more for couples and I thought it had some very helpful information. Suggestion for you.

    Interestedly he even had the answer to an event between MusicTd and I that made a lot of sad (for me) sense. Ooooh.



  192.  #192Tee on February 10, 2015 at 10:41 am

    Thank you Sirens for all of the awesome ideas. The wheels are turning lol

    I’m still trying to figure out what my boy and girl needs/wants but if it feels I guess I’m on the right track

    Another thing I use to do was sing. Turn the music up really loud and lip sync to Mariah Carey lol haven’t done that in ages

    I even looked into voice lessons at one point

    I start thinking too hard and I haven’t followed through

    It would be awesome though



  193.  #193Gemini Goddess on February 10, 2015 at 10:50 am

    Azure Blu

    The way I’m reading your story, you ultimately took wonderful care of yourself. I think you’re being too hard on yourself. Way to have a boundary and tolerate nothing beyond it. AND, sounds like it was the boundary that broke the camel’s back, so to speak. I’ve thrown many a guy out for far less and it really only seemed to stoke the fire, FYI. You sound strong to me.

    As for the conversation about boy energy, I like the bubble baths, friend, movies, pedicures, etc. and do those things, but when I REALLY need to take care of ME in an emergency, and turn my brain OFF, I read…a LOT. I read books on personal style, excellent fiction, how to maintain my house (I’m not naturally inclined there), parenting, general “self-help” kind of books. I was on a French culture kick for a while (per the next thread) because I found the attitude so feminine and empowering. No end of those books and I’ve read a ton of them. (My inner Goddess is French, I’m convinced). I liked reading about Greek and Roman goddess archetypes. Fits nicely with the RR materials.

    For me books are perfect because my mind is engaged and can’t wonder off (which it does) to crappy stories, wondering about him, worrying, analyzing, the whole lot. If I’m reading something “bettering” I come away feeling productive, and taken care of by my boy energy, and with higher frequency feeling thoughts in my head. I usually have about five going at the same time to fit my various moods, and so I’m never stranded. I forget where, but Rori said to always have something with you to do, so I’ve parked a few books at D’s house so when he’s otherwise occupied, I can be too.



  194.  #194Azure Blu on February 10, 2015 at 11:02 am

    Thank you GG #192…
    You are right…
    I feel good
    that I did Stand up for ME!!!

    It has alll gone on too long for me…
    Dating Spirit is NOT fun anymore…
    and I don’t feel happy when I’m with him…

    I AM ready for the Next man…

    And GREAT ideas for taking my thoughts and feelings AWAY from Spirit…
    My tub needs to be fixed… it won’t hold water right now…
    I’m goint to call a plumber right NOW!!
    oxoxo



  195.  #195Azure Blu on February 10, 2015 at 11:06 am

    GG
    my comment to you has gone into moderation…
    NOT sure why…
    the short of it is…
    Thank you for Your kind words of encouragement and support!!



  196.  #196Gemini Goddess on February 10, 2015 at 11:12 am

    ((Azure))!



  197.  #197lovetodance on February 10, 2015 at 1:35 pm

    azure blu….

    sending you love and kudos….
    i agree with gemini goddess….

    you were the strong siren you are….you drew a line..

    i hear that raising voice and doing something forcefull is not your usual m.o.

    but sometimes there is a time and place for this….

    i feel so happy that you feel happy today…i imagine a big clog of something not feeling good got flushed away…

    seeing you on your beautiful strong horse…



  198.  #198lovetodance on February 10, 2015 at 1:36 pm

    182 indigo

    such beautiful wise words of wisdom…thank you

    ‘I think what is equally important is getting your mindset right. If you’re anything like me, I’m almost hardwired to feel a sense of deprivation when I’m changing a pattern, and until I establish more of a flow in leaning back, there’s this sense that I’m “missing out” on something. So, instead of thinking of it as this “hard” chore that I have to do, I like to think of what I’m gaining – softness, self-care, a new way of relating to men, to the world and to myself, the ability to trust. I am expanding my ability to receive and be wonderfully surprised when a man comes to me. I’m gaining a new perspective on a relationship, that will eventually translate into how I relate to my forever man. I’m gaining femininity and calmness, and the ability to be relaxed about relationships and the feeling that “I have all the time in the world”. This is a very lovely and comforting thought for me. I try to shift how I see things little by little all the time so that I can fall in love with my journey, rather than seeing it as hard. I encourage you to do the same… focus on all the positive things you are gaining, rather than on your negative feelings.’



  199.  #199Azure Blu on February 10, 2015 at 1:49 pm

    LTD #196
    Ahhh… thank you for your warm, words of support!
    They help me give myself Love for holding my boundaries…
    huggs & kisses!



  200.  #200Lotus on February 10, 2015 at 3:56 pm

    Azure Blu – I’m so glad for you.
    Either we have to leave or the man has to leave when we have had enough!



  201.  #201Lotus on February 10, 2015 at 4:24 pm

    Mistea – 190
    Great to see my update was out of moderation.
    Just read some of Kosher Lust online and it seems enlightening and intense… I wonder if I’m ready for it though.. especially if it’s about reframing marriage… I’m glad you found it a good resource though.

    There are times when I feel so stuck, like I’m on the edge of a coin, as soon as I make it to the other side, I flip over again, and run to the edge. Polarity. And so it seems that lust is a very strong driving force indeed.



  202.  #202Mistea1 on February 10, 2015 at 4:41 pm

    Lotus 199,

    Yes, it is intense but it does seem to rein in some of this fuzzy thinking we all seem to have at various times.

    At least it gives us a guide/ form in which to hold these relationships. He also makes the man take a lot of responsibility for his part. What we do here is we take responsibility for the relationship even if it is only in our thinking.

    The Rabbi sets for a guidline that men should follow. We can read what he says so we have clear idea of who does what. Now it is couched in Jewish thought so one has to think that out and yes, it does sound very old fashioned.

    To me though it does give a lot of autonomy to women after I pondered it for a while. It’s worth considering. I’m almost ready to convert!



  203.  #203Millie on February 11, 2015 at 12:41 am

    Liquid Light and Mistea–
    Thank you for sharing how your seemingly attentive men revealed their controlling colors later in the game. I’ll definitely keep an eye out for those behaviors. It must have been such a difficult time for both of you. Thankfully, my Waterfall Man doesn’t seem controlling or manipulative. In fact, the other night I think he sensed how I was feeling and said that the didn’t want seeing me too much to push me away or ruin things. That if I needed space to let him know. I feel better knowing he is paying attention to how I feel, even when it’s subtle and I don’t outright say it…and will do what it takes to keep me. Hopefully he doesn’t turn out to be controlling, but I will be on my toes. Thanks again ladies!



  204.  #204Mandy on February 12, 2015 at 12:54 am

    So I feel a possibly dangerous urge to pipe up and speak my truth to J or to let it go, or to just say I miss you.

    There’s some serious jealousy popping up for me right now because I feel left out.

    I feel sad and it’s a mysterious sadness and deep rooted.

    ahhh….whether he stays or goes…I hope for the strength and wisdom to easily make the right choice….

    I feel such weird deeply rooted sadness today, a different one than what I am used to….

    Ohhhhhh it feels weird……



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