Rescuing A Marriage Right At The Edge Of Disaster

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heartattackThis fabulous article is really getting around…by Laura A. Munson,  a woman who prevented a threatened divorce that seemed to come out of nowhere…if you haven’t read it yet…read it now and we’ll talk about it:

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/08/02/fashion/02love.html

What this woman did worked.  Here are some thoughts on why it worked:

1.  It’s much easier to repair damage while he’s still in the house.  Once he moves out…it’s much harder.  Living separately becomes “the norm” – even if he doesn’t like it at first, he’ll get used to it.

2.  She had so much confidence that it carried him through his own lack of confidence…

3.  She created and allowed so much distance, space, “room” for him to do “whatever” — that he no longer had to create distance himself…

3.  In the end, he wanted to come back more than he wanted to leave…

What this brave, amazing woman did was stick to what she wanted and stick to her plan.

Now — here are some of the questions I would love to ask her:

>>I’d love to ask about the “hard conversations” they had after he came back fully into the life of the family.

>>I’d like to ask — was this absolutely all about “him” — or was it about her, too?

>>I’d ask: How is it possible to be married so long and not know your husband is unhappy?  I’d ask: What did she discover, in talking later, that led to the emotional separation and his seemingly out-of-the-blue anger and immaturity?

And then, what I’d like to talk about with you is — what, if anything, could she have done or not done that would have saved her 6 months of horror and pain, and got him back into “conversation” sooner, so that if you find yourself in anything like this situation, you can fix it faster?

Let’s look at what she did:

1. She stepped back. She stopped doing anything that could push him further away. She stopped asking for things, she stopped trying to talk about the relationship, she stopped any kind of expectations so that she never was disappointed, and she completely avoided making him wrong for his behavior. She gave herself a time line to stick with her plan so it wasn’t just open-ended. She took control of HER side of the situation, without trying to take control of HIS side of the situation.

2. She invited him to join in the life of the family, without expectation, without agenda, without comment, without management and without complaint for his bad behavior. And she handled her own emotions, which kept her from making the situation worse.

These two steps could be translated simply to: Strong on the inside, Soft on the outside. This could be inner boundaries and outer openness.

So let’s just flesh this out:

1. Stepping back, leaning back, walking away from arguments, and keeping the distance rather than trying to step forward and fix the situation is ALWAYS the way to go when a man is behaving badly. When you want something that he isn’t giving. When he’s doing stuff you don’t want him to do, and when he’s not doing stuff you want him to do.

I have pretty much nothing to add here to what she did because she really executed this step totally brilliantly.

2. Being an invitation. There is no way to know here, because she doesn’t talk about it, but I wonder how emotionally open she was able to be with her husband when he was behaving so badly and she was feeling so many powerful, unpleasant feelings — anger, resentment, fear, grief… that she was not showing him. She doesn’t say how many feelings and exactly how she was handling her emotions. Was she stuffing everything down? Was she talking to a therapist? Was she talking to her friends? Or was she sharing bits and pieces of how she felt to her husband as they went along so that she could stay sane?

If she had USED her emotions to help the situation, what would that have looked like? If she had used Circular Dating, what would that have looked like?

I know that the article focuses on her man’s loss of “pride,” as the primary cause of that horrible moment when he wanted to walk away from everything.

But my question would be about what I think is the primary cause — and that’s anger. I’m certain that they talked over all of this later on, and, hopefully, got all the anger out into the air and cleared up and things shifted in the relationship. So…

What would’ve happened if, instead of just doing step one brilliantly, she had expanded on step two? What if she, herself, had become an invitation for the release, finally, of all the emotions that BOTH of them must have been stuffing down for a long time? Would that have facilitated a faster resolution?

Does a man going through his “Dark Night of the Soul” necessarily mean he needs to run away? Like a child’s running away to join the circus? Is this the only possible result of a man’s “mid-life crisis”?

Is our only option to give him and distance and room to work things out on his own?

If you are just beginning to date a man, and he starts going through something like this in his life, I would hope for you that you are Circular Dating up a storm and could simply let him do what he does — without investing any of yourself and him.

But if you’ve been married to man for a very long time, and you still have feelings for him, and you have a household you love and children you love together — you are invested. Can you do more here then Step One and the part of Step Two Laura tells us about where she invites him to participate in the life of the family in a “logistical” way?

What would have happened if she had said to him Wow I can feel how angry you are? What would have happened if she had said I’m feeling scared, actually terrified, bad because I had no idea you were so unhappy and I wonder how I could have missed that, and I wonder how angry you must be to want to just leave…?

There is no doubt that Laura is a Warrior. Strong as steel. And she’s also the woman this man really and truly wanted to be with forever. Despite his meltdown.

And I wonder — I would love to speak to her about this and open up the floor to you, too… how much more quickly he might have turned around if she had been willing to say: Well, perhaps some of this is about me. Perhaps there’s something I can do here.

Most of the comments I’ve read in forums that are not 100% “You go girl!” about this article focus on why she bothered to stick with a man who was behaving so badly.

I look at this in just the opposite way. To me, if you are that invested in a man, then there’s “stuff” going on in the relationship — and not just about “him” — that no one’s talking about. And the secret of getting reconnected to a man is all about unearthing that stuff that no one’s talking about — WITHOUT leaning forward, trying to get conversations started, and generally pushing him further away — but doing it in a “feminine,” feeling, open way that is an irresistible invitation.  Even to a man in a deep funk.

This is an art. This is the art we are all working on — the art of being strong on the inside and soft on the outside. About having boundaries on the inside and openness on the outside. This is the art of being able to step away from the man, and yet open your heart to the man. This is the art of being able to FACILITATE a healing.

To facilitate a healing, to re-create trust and openness, to make it okay to be exactly who you are in a relationship — even if you’re in the middle of a Dark Night of the Soul — that’s something WE can DO!

By learning to be exactly who we are on the deepest level, and to let that be seen no matter what the situation — without even needing to talk much about it — just letting it be there, we create an environment and an atmosphere where everybody can start to tell the truth.

I am so happy for Laura that she was able to reconnect her marriage and to open up the truth and heal her relationship.

And for you — If you are in anything like the situation,  I want that reconnection to happen as quickly as possible.

So.. use my Tools to drop deeper into who you are, to share the truth about who you are, and to facilitate your man having confidence in your ability to handle your OWN truth.  Whatever it is.

Use my Tools of “language” to help a relationship heal so that — should he decide to open up and let you know the truth about what’s going on with him he’ll KNOW that you will not judge him, you will not correct him, you will not make him wrong, you will simply allow the connection to happen.

Let me know how you feel about all this… Love, Rori

113 Comments

  1.  #1Ann on August 8, 2009 at 4:10 pm

    Thanks Rori for another great post. I wish you could contact this lady to find out more. Did they not give any contact info? I feel she did a good job.



  2.  #2alias girl on August 8, 2009 at 4:25 pm

    i felt conflicted when i read the article. so i feel very excited to read rori’s post about it.

    i felt angry when i thought about if i was the man. i felt angry if i were the woman too!! hehe.

    i feel world peace will not come until people deal with their anger and feelings of self hatred and disempowerment.

    i feel unconvinced that the writer of the article would not have her own issues that contributed to the stall and almost-dissolution of the marriage.

    i felt it was a good article to start a conversation but i did not feel “convinced” that responding to the love of your life with “i don’t buy it” when he approaches you with what are obvious huge problems he is having within the marriage — is the end all solution.

    i would feel invalidated if my husband responded to me that way. and then gave me a “time out” until i came to my senses and returned to a possibly dysfunctional status quo. maybe it was just easier for the guy to stay. a lot of guys will do that.

    but i would say if there were no “hard conversations” as rori mentioned, then something down the road will “come up”.

    i beleive we live in the age of communication. or i believe I live in the age of communication.

    the age of passive aggressiveness and stuffed feelings is being overcome.



  3.  #3Tina on August 8, 2009 at 5:13 pm

    Does he resent her?. What is the truth here? the article never made any mention of what the truth is, she just touched upon his lack of pride. How did she get through the six months of silence?. Was it just easier for him to stay then go through a tough divorce?. So many questions.



  4.  #4Tina on August 8, 2009 at 5:21 pm

    Lack of feminine warmth comes to mind. The truth is she loved him so deeply that she was unable to let him go, leaving was not an option for him. What was her stuff?, I would be more interested in how she processed her feelings during this time. Her fears, her insecurities, all of it. She seems like a by stander in all of this, he did stay in the end, this is good news. I do not feel that is the end and they live happily ever after though.



  5.  #5tinque on August 8, 2009 at 8:04 pm

    As nice as the outcome seemed to be, the process didn’t sit right with me. As wonderful as leaning back can be and is, I feel uncomfortable with this account. Maybe she’s leaving out important bits for the sake of brevity, conciseness, for the sake of readership attention, but if that’s the case I feel sad. A great message is being conveyed, but the meat is missing.



  6.  #6Simply Shannon on August 8, 2009 at 8:49 pm

    I felt wary reading this article. He got a free pass and got to have some fun. When he realized that the grass wasn’t greener, he came home. While I applaud her for doing what she had to do in order to get through it, I felt like nothing changed. It was a good example of leaning back and taking responsibility for your side of the street. I felt good reading it from that perspective. As for them actually resolving anything… “I’m not buying it.”



  7.  #7Tina on August 8, 2009 at 10:19 pm

    Where’s the passion,? the feeling,? OK, so maybe I feel cynical about there ever being a happily ever after. She maybe doesn’t have all the issues I have or having to deal with feelings like I have, the not so good ones, like feeling not deserving happily ever after. I’m in the middle of discovering why I feel not deserving of anything good. I feel anger that I have to use tools to help me get through the day. I have to use tools when 1 11/2 yr man is around. I did meditation, I cried, I still feel pain in my chest. I feel hopeless why isn’t this working for me. She gets to keep her man and this pisses me off, OK so he’s spineless, but he’s still with her. I don’t want a spineless man.



  8.  #8Bethany on August 8, 2009 at 10:21 pm

    I feel admiring of this woman. She had a lot of choices: to fly off the handle, punish him, use their kids as leverage in manipulating him…but she conceptualized an entirely different route that most women wouldn’t have considered. I do wonder what circular dating would have looked like for her and how she would have done that…



  9.  #9Tina on August 8, 2009 at 10:34 pm

    Her tone is very domineering. She even gave him a list of what to do during a separation. I doubt I would have given my ex a list of things to do during a separation while still living in the same house. I feel tight and restricted, this could be just from my crying and meditating today. I’m learning about chakras. I’m doing whatever it takes to heal myself, hell I’ll try EFT. I have a broken heart or broken chakra 🙂 I feel the pain between my ribs in my chest, I can put my finger on it, it hurts. My cardiologist at the time when I was first at the hospital for an anxiety attack which I thought was a heart attack suggested my prescription be to “get rid of your boyfriend” we laughed , I don’t feel anxious now, just this damn pain I feel is overwhelming and comes in waves, I’ve been like this for off and on but mostly on since I know he is back home. Why doesn’t she feel all this crap that I have to go through damn her!



  10.  #10Tina on August 8, 2009 at 10:55 pm

    Yes, I agree what would have circular dating looked like for her. How does she feel like when she’s around her husband.? She never opened that can of worms lol. I dont envy her anymore. I feel like smashing my keyboard. Why did I come to this site, why couldnt I have just left well enough alone and carried on in this relationship.? I could have easily dealt with the dull nagging occasional feelings of abandonment, grief, loss, worthlessness, instead of this steady in my face, in my chest , wont go away pain because now I have no boyfriend, thanks to Rori lol just kidding but really why do we have to do this shit ugh!. Medication would have been easier. Now I have to do something about this pain in my chest, I feel angry now. I just dont feel to hear happy endings right now.



  11.  #11Tina on August 8, 2009 at 11:13 pm

    I feel so broken beyond repair right now and undeserving of anything good so what the hell do I know what a healthy way of dealing with stuff looks like forget a healthy relationship. I’m just not feeling the love in this article. I dont even feel good enough that these tools are working for me. I’m going to try some yoga for now. I feel physically the need to stretch.



  12.  #12alias girl on August 8, 2009 at 11:40 pm

    i feel supportive tina.

    i feel FURIOUS and ANGRY. and RIDICULOUS. I FEEL SO ANGRY!!!!!!! WHY DOES THE GUY I HAD CYBER SEX WITH (but I refuse to meet him in real life because that just feels scary) (Ok obviously a lot of missing details for the reader but this is what it is)

    I FEEL FURIOUS. EVERYTIME HE GETS A NEW E ROSE HE IMMEDIATELY GIVES IT TO SOME OTHER GIRL.

    rrrrrr. i just sent him some ‘i feel furious’ etc etc feeling messages. wtf. i feel ridiculous that i am soooooooo angry about this. i feel like a big weirdo. i feel quite curious about why certain men trigger me and other men i could totally care less about.

    i feel weird.
    why shouold i care. i feel confused why i don’t even make sense to myself.



  13.  #13gina on August 9, 2009 at 12:12 am

    I do buy it. I can relate to the husband’s behavior. I agree that he was throwing a bit of a tantrum – I do that sometimes, too. He was lucky that he had someone who loved him enough to go through it with him. I’m sure she has her own stuff, but I believe that she was dealing with her stuff in the way that she said she was. She had decided to feel good. And he hadnt. I went to a kabbala course last week and i left feeling willing to be free of “issues.” I got a glimpse of a life free of all “drama.” I learned that chaos is the pressure that life puts on us to achieve our desires. And our desires are fullfilled through receiving god’s goodness and sharing god’s goodness. I think this woman was evolving, and the man was put through intense pressure to find his heart’s desire. In the end it seemed like he learned what really matters to him and what he desires the most. This was part of her process as well. I think because they are joined in marriage, their inner processes were forcing eachother into transformation.



  14.  #14alias girl on August 9, 2009 at 12:33 am

    i blocked the online guy. i feel bizarre that certain situations can trigger me. but eff that. i don’t need to feel Punished anymore. i am done with that phase of my life. so i sent him several feeling messages from my weird self and then told him i was blocking him. like he cares. we don’t even know each other. i feel like a jealous six year old. i feel embarrassed but also really free that i was honest.

    i feel weird. i feel toxic. why do i get attached to certain men who don’t treat me like a goddess?

    i feel grossed out. i love myself. i love my confusion. i love my weird crossed wires. i love my magnetizing lame-o behavior. i love my honesty. i love my sadness. i love my confusion.

    mostly i feel confused and sad.

    i feel embarrassed.



  15.  #15Tracy on August 9, 2009 at 12:58 am

    I loved the article.
    I haven’t been married so honestly i wouldn’t know how easy or difficult it would be to go through such a situation….I loved the way she leaned back and as rori explained it she was strong on the inside and soft on the outside…
    I was sitting with a group of married men the other day and one mentioned that lies is what enabled most men survive in their marriages…I felt bad and angry that someone believed such a thing….and i felt sad that to this man a woman was not capable of handling the truth…whatever it is…
    I feel that this articles explains a lot about what happens in real life…men going through stuff and maybe feeling that the women in their lives are not capable of handling the truth….
    i often felt that i would do anything to sustain and help my relationship work….now i feel that what really helps me sustain that relationship if its worth holding on is dealing with my stuff and being the best and most lovable person i can possibly be to my self…



  16.  #16Tina on August 9, 2009 at 12:59 am

    The pain in my chest is gone, I feel much better, I tried putting my yoga dvd in my computer, its not working,I need a new decoder. I feel even though I feel broken beyond repair, I do have feelings/opinions about the article. He says he feels thankful for his family, I’m curious if he feels that all passionate “other kind of love”, or did she just settle for what she knows?.

    Alias girl , this is suppose to be about exploring your boundaries lol. Sensual massage guy was ok I had a great experiance, I just dont feel I have to prove that his 6 inch penis is great, he emailed me again, in his email he thought he had to remind me of who he was and what we did and all. I felt weird about that . I was pissed off at him at him for having to remind me, like I do this sortof thing a lot or something. ok so maybe I did lol ok twice whatever…
    The experiances was great, there was no actual stimulation of my genitals , no kissing, just him touching my body all over and deep massage , really nice stuff. I loved it! I just dont understand why he needed validation of his penis size. The other guy just wanted me to pay for dinner next time, this was not cool with me. I like said before, I do not recommend this type of behaviour, just me exploring my boundaries.



  17.  #17alias girl on August 9, 2009 at 1:56 am

    i feel so angry. wtf. also amused. also confused. thank you tina. i feel very fond of you and your honesty and humor. 🙂

    someone just called me at 2am. ???????? not a # i recognize. wtf.

    i have very weird energy going on.



  18.  #18Daria on August 9, 2009 at 3:30 am

    aw man. here i go disagreeing again i have a disagreeing compulsion.

    i love it when someone calls me at 3 am. especially a number i dont recognize because its a guy i can flirt with. but i am desperate for companionship and i realize that waht i want is to be in a community and included and part of it and not-lonely whatever that feeling is and surrounded by people i love and admire AND also admire myself and have time to myself in my rapunzel tower

    these two were conflicting

    ok
    glad we fixed that

    now on to say that i wish someone would call me right now except i think i left my phone in the car. i love how even when its on silent it makes a slight pop when someone calls and if im awake i can hear it.

    i LOVE 3 am calls I am feeling so energized and my eyes are feeling watery. I feel excited and defensive and kinda attacking like im stalking my prey and about to pounce like I am pouncing oooh what a rush. I love disagreeing with someone ie offering a fresh perspective

    and now i feel G?ross like I fell into a body of water now still as a cat and now i am a wet cat trying to shake it off eww yuck ever seen a cat get wet they dont like it i feel absolute repullsion towards my own skin like they do poor kitty

    i feel like apologizing for contradicting i always contradict and make people wrong i am a terrible person I feel so broken and not socially acceptable

    i am a social outcast

    i am a wild woman

    wild

    and always alone

    but i want my village group tribe

    i miss them

    how come i have them and then that phase of my life ends

    i want to live forever and always the way that feels good and that is surrounded by people and feeling good
    no no no

    you will regret it

    you will want privacy and a family all alone

    i feel doubtful

    i feel pain in my tailbone

    I L?OVEe my tailbone thank you for starting healing

    wow

    i am being healed people

    sigh

    wow

    so many strange things happening with pains in my body now tina was having heart pain like i was so crazy

    i found a “cortices balancing” technique that basically cradles and stimulates my head like i hold it and also tap it and like it balances right and left brain and it worked to give me a clear head which is something i was wanting so much that I feel PAIN right now realizing that I was just given it

    wow i didnt know gratefulness could feel like this tight pain i feel like i could go into tears liek someone who won the lotto or was told their son was freed but I feel frozen and i cant all the way cry and now i feel the feeling in my upper spine and i feel a little a lot cheated and i feel gross i hang my head in shame must mean i feel ashamed and my scar is itching strong right now i love you scar

    i love my scars they are so fucking sexy thank you god for blessing me with them i love them thank you thank you thank you

    my scars fulfill my ali baba and the 40 thieves aladdin fantasy beauty

    ok

    sorry if i lost u dear reader

    haha

    i feel tears i feel so guilty embarassed unworthy to address the reader

    i feel gross
    i feel like hiding behind a desk

    i feel bemused at my creativity

    how DARE i say something like that i have creativity i feel ashamed and afraid and gross

    and bemused again

    i want to feel worthy of having creativity i am worthy of having creativity

    goodnite



  19.  #19tinque on August 9, 2009 at 9:11 am

    Daira – Love the Rapunzel in the tower and Ali Baba and the 40 thieves/Alladin fantasy beauty images…:)



  20.  #20tinque on August 9, 2009 at 9:38 am

    Oops typo – Daria



  21.  #21K on August 9, 2009 at 10:26 am

    To me,this situation is like Shannon’s on another post, we can’t judge another woman or person for that matter based on the choices she makes. It is not our place to make assumptions based on our experiences and especially when we don’t even know someone at all!!! Laura didn’t take the ‘easy’ road and ‘let’ him leave, and she still had boundaries versus walls (my issue)–she didn’t take it personally, focused on herself and the family, set a time line, and realized she can’t control someone else…all WITHOUT having Rori’s wisdom, tools, and programs. I feel pride in her as a woman, and I feel admiration as well- I wish I had her courage to go against the ‘popular wisdom’ and just end an investment of 20 yrs of marriage…relationships aren’t easy and they do take work….but they shouldn’t be a job (something you just DO)…work implies investment, wanting to contribute, and an outcome you are hoping/looking for…

    I know I need to learn to appreciate my own feelings, because I’m just feeling like I need to take a deep breath and relax…I guess I’m feeling tense because so many of you are here wanting to ‘fix’ your situation, but when a woman expresses what she’s done, which follows the Rori Way, you become as judgmental as Laura’s friends…

    again, she’ll never see this but I put my applause and admiration for Laura into the universe…..it’s all a learning experience!!



  22.  #22Bethany on August 9, 2009 at 11:18 am

    Tina, I feel how frustrated you were, and it’s cool to see it come so intensely and then pop like a soap bubble. I feel happy to see you feel all the crappy stuff and let it pass by–it feels like I can do it too! I also wanted to respond to the post you put up about hating my boyfriend on Rori’s last post: I smiled when I read it. I felt validated, and then I felt guilty for feeling that way. Anyway, just wanted to say I appreciated your anger because it somehow made me feel like “wow, I guess other people see this as weird too, and I’m NOT blowing it out of proportion, maybe.” But, then I want to remember that he’s only one part of the equation and the other part is me…it’s not cool for him to tell me I’m pasty, but what if I’d been able to say “wow, that feels weird…I feel angry when people make fun of my fair skin…”? I feel so mad because I GET how to stand up for myself it just feels so DIFFICULT in the MOMENT. GRRRR…I feel all riled up again. My point is, I feel like I’m working through it, and when I get to the point where I CAN do that (and I will!) then stuff gets HANDLED before I start getting down on myself. I feel happy about the journey I’m taking. Today it feels like I just want to appreciate how far I’ve come since last October when I discovered Rori and started my deliberate self-development.

    Daria, I love the stretch you put up before with the little stick person diagram…any time you want to put up more of those, I’d feel appreciative. I liked your cortices technique…I’m going to Google it…

    Shannon! I feel so impressed by what you’re doing…you are like the queen of resilience! So cool you had a date and are doing the Circular Dating thing full tilt…I feel excited to hear more about your adventures…

    Rori, thanks for the encouragement, it felt really good…and I do have my entrepreneur Louboutins on! Currently working on setting up my blog and I’m going to the local paper in town on Monday to see if I could freelance an article or two for them…



  23.  #23Symantha on August 9, 2009 at 11:20 am

    Hi,
    Haven’t read the post yet, just pressing the subscription 🙂



  24.  #24alias girl on August 9, 2009 at 2:06 pm

    hmmm. i feel curious about gina’s take on the article. i feel yes. yes we create, seek, sustain our own level of happy feelings. yes this woman made a decision to not being dragged down by her husband’s decision. that feels goood to me.

    i guess i just feel weird about the lack of communication. maybe the article was only focussing on just the time between them when they were silent roomates in the same house. i feel really weird about that. i feel weird if there were no conversations. she never mentioned conversations. just poof—he’s back because he’s mowing the lawn. i feel scared of so much silence because it triggers me.

    also i felt like she was captain of the household and he was a misbehaving child that fell out of line.

    i’m not saying that is how the situation was. i am saying how i felt when i read it.

    i just feel conflicted. i don’t know how else to discuss it that doesn’t feel judgmental. maybe i will learn more how to do that? or maybe i am doing fine?

    i feel weird that i had to Block a man. i feel weird when i make decisions that literally Sever relations between humans. i actually want to be friends with everybody. i know it doesn’t seem that way but is true. i just feel threatened by people so often that i end up swatting everybody’s noses’s like the cat, yoda. i feel people are always stepping on my boundaries.

    there must be a way to have good boundaries, feel safe AND maintain good relations with people?

    ?? it seems people don’t really practice good boundaries with me either. i sense alot of passive aggressiveness . i feel triggered when people act passive aggressively towards me. i don’t know how to respond to that. mostly i feel unsafe and kind of turned off to the person.

    oooooh. ok. i need to heal my CHARGE around passive aggressive behavior that is perpetuated unto me. YES! then i won’t take it personally and can just draw non emotional triggered boundaries. brilliant. doesn’t guarantee i will be buddies with Everyone but at least i will feel good about my own self and how i treat people.

    people have a right to their own opinion and way of being. if i vibrate at a certain frequency i will attract people i feel good around. and safe. and fun.

    i feel codependent and too worried about what other people think of me. yet i want companionship and unity so i need to be concerned to some extent. hmmm.

    daria sometimes i feel aggression and antagonizing directed at me. sometimes i feel support and kindness. i feel good when i receive support and kindness. i feel like throwing up and running away forever when i feel aggression and antagonizing. hehe i feel curious. i know i have been aggressive and antagonizing towards people as well. hmmmm. i feel interested in not being aggressive or antagonizing. how do i heal all the instances in my past with people? do i just start from now?

    i feel grateful for my happy exciting passionate loving peaceful coexistence prosperous adventurous life. thank you.



  25.  #25alias girl on August 9, 2009 at 2:14 pm

    i feel good to give myself permission to say things. i don’t need to be right but i can express myself and be open minded to conversation. sometimes “hard conversations”. i can express an opinion about something and then change my mind. i can express my feelings even if they don’t make sense to anyone else. i can express my feelings even if people invalidate them. i can express my feelings and LISTEN to people’s responses.

    i feel strong enough to withstand the consequences of expressing myself.

    i feel open enough to accept my mistakes and the mistakes of others. if mistake is even the most accurate word.

    refining feels better than the word mistake. people, myself included, are maybe just refining things. themselves, their beliefs, their opinions, their ways of being etc.



  26.  #26Bethany on August 9, 2009 at 2:30 pm

    I did a tiny thing to tell the truth in the moment yesterday. He called, and I was watching Shark Week on the Discovery Channel (I LOVE Shark Week), and he said “Is this an okay time to talk?” and I said “Yeah, it’s fine…” but I felt distracted because I just don’t like to be interrupted during Shark Week. So, after the conversation went on for a bit, I said “I lied when I said it was an okay time to talk…I feel bad…” and he was like “Oh! Okay…I get it, Shark Week is a big deal for you…” and I think it was okay, although after we hung up I felt super super guilty. Small things like this set me off a bit. I am reading “The Disease to Please” by Harriet Braiker and she talks about psychological need to people-please being caused by a fear of conflict and anger that one learns by seeing the expression of anger mishandled when one is growing up. That feels just like my life and it helps to know where it comes from, my pathological need to super nice. It’s protection! But it doesn’t serve me anymore. Thank you, niceness, you were all I had to rely on early in life and I appreciate all you’ve done for me, but it’s time to not be so nice all the time…I feel sad saying that. I feel scared and exposed. I feel like I don’t know what’s going to happen and I can’t control things if I’m not a really good, nice person. That feels really frightening. I love my fear, I understand my fear, and I love it…I feel compassion for my fear and I feel thankful for it and I want to keep it with me.



  27.  #27alias girl on August 9, 2009 at 2:59 pm

    ah yes. thank you bethany! aw. thank you false “niceness” for just trying to help me Survive.

    yes anger was MISHANDLED in my family. and even having a difference of opinion was regarded harshly.

    yes. something in my brain went click-click when i read that. thanks bethany. thanks to all the siren-angels. i learn a lot by reading the different perspectives and experiences.

    i have handled my own anger mis-appropriately. i have felt threatened by people with different opinions. i feel threatened when i feel blamed. i feel threatened when i feel criticized. i feel threatened when people do nice things for me also.

    so there you go. i seem to feel threatened a lot by most things. i even feel threatened by false “niceness”. heehee. i feel bad. i feel it must have been impossible to win with me.

    i feel good to drop all this defensiveness and just communicate with feeling messages and i don’t want statements!!!



  28.  #28Aldonza on August 9, 2009 at 3:03 pm

    @Tina

    Men who need validation of their penis size watch too much porn.



  29.  #29alias girl on August 9, 2009 at 3:36 pm

    hehe. aldonza. i feel intimidated with large penis’s. i don’t want to encounter them.

    heehee. true though.



  30.  #30alias girl on August 9, 2009 at 3:36 pm

    or is it peni? plural of penis would be?



  31.  #31Daria on August 9, 2009 at 3:55 pm

    ooh. I now feel wary that my mom reads my posts and yet i feel my relationship with her getting better as i value myself and hold my feelings in high regard.

    So yeah besides the wariness i want to say that i like large penisses.

    had to make it extra large with a double s

    other sizes i have liked also.

    um yeah. im having a penis appreciation day in my thoughts today.



  32.  #32alias girl on August 9, 2009 at 4:33 pm

    daria i feel weird to have no response to what i wrote to you but i feel respecting of your own ways of being and choices. or maybe you just did not see it? either way, i feel ok with people’s responses to me.

    i feel very very good about breaking my silence in situations and in my life regardless of how people react to me. i always feel shakey hands though!!

    i don’t want to make an issue out of anything. i feel good to have broken my silence. i have received a response of no response. i don’t want to alienate you and i feel bad addressing this publically but i don’t know you personally or i would have done it that way.

    i feel open to life and relationships on all levels.

    i feel open to fluidness and change.



  33.  #33Daria on August 9, 2009 at 4:37 pm

    Alias Girl i saw what you wrote me but i felt confused what you were referring to?

    is it my pouncing like a cat thingy? were you telling me you felt attacked?

    i feel guilty if you feel attacked the thing is i like 3 am phonecalls and you wrote that you felt disturbed by a late nite one and that triggered my disagreeing voice that said oh well i like them. I did not mean to attack you personally, I do the disagreeing thing as a general thing and do it with men but have been holding myself back from it,

    i feel glad you addressed me yay!

    please tell me more of what you meant



  34.  #34Daria on August 9, 2009 at 4:43 pm

    ok now i reread and i am hearing that you feel agression and attacking from me, and sometimes support and kindness…

    i feel really sad and like hanging my head… i feel so sad

    i hate that i sometimes agress and attack people its something ive done since i was a child and its a family dynamic

    i really like being “the best” and can really easily get into competitive mode and i have been trying to avoid that

    now i am trying to Not avoid it also

    i feel guilty guilty i feel the “bossy” thing from 3rd grade hanging over my head i feel

    Angry all of a sudden i feel defensive like all i wanted to say was that i, unlike some other people, enjoy 3 am phonecalls

    but of course i probably had a smug tinge to it or did it i didnt mean for it to

    its like i really like to point the other side of things out to people

    why?

    because i feel all smart and important. maybe i feel better than them. i feel guilty feeling better than them

    i feel isolated in my rapunzel tower feeling better and them, what i really want is to feel included like im my tribal village and feel equal yet special but i feel afraid

    and i feel im basically designed to try to beat other people down to be the best

    and thats why no man will want me in the end because i will wind up dominating him

    yep

    i feel trigggered.



  35.  #35Daria on August 9, 2009 at 4:50 pm

    i feel so ashamed of myself that i hurt Alias girl or did i

    remember no one can get “hurt” only feel a certain way…

    i feel guilty

    i feel Angry too! i just want to be myself!!! AAAAAAAAAGH

    i feel so sad i feel sobbing

    i am so fucking imperfect why
    no fair

    ugh
    i feel so MAD

    i feel furious furious furiousssssssssss

    i feel sobbing and red faced and i feel judged by myself saying im just “doing it to get attention” that is because of course i could shut down this feeling and forget about it

    UGH

    i feel HOTTTTTT in my back

    i feel SO MAD

    i want to fucking brerk this keys on the keyboard

    ugh

    my nail bent so now i will desist from trying to break it

    i feel myself calming

    aha i remember
    i will vampire scream

    i love vampire scream, really gets it out

    wow

    i feel great after vampire scream

    haha
    ii feel laughter of relief

    vampire scream feels like a really intense workout
    wooo hooo

    i feel endorphined

    endorphin dolphin



  36.  #36alias girl on August 9, 2009 at 6:20 pm

    aw. i feel love daria. i feel unsure. i feel nervous. i have same feelings often daria. i am very alpha in the sense that i hate to be dominated and would often aggress against actual (or perceived) aggression towards me. or i would tell myself i was just mis-perceiving things and then act “nice” and pretend i didn’t feel what i felt. then i would feel depression and resentment and unsafe. my not speaking up/silence has caused me great pain and severed relationships in my life.

    I learned passive-aggressiveness as a survival tactic in my family and only recently have come to have more pleasing tools for communicating, thanks to rori and emily van horn.

    i did not want to hurt you. and i did not know it would trigger you so.

    I was practicing speaking up, even if i was misperceiving things. i was willing to feel “wrong” or “foolish”. i was willing to endure whatever consequence came out of my speaking up.

    before i speak up i feel very trembling and shakey. after i speak up i often feel very safe and ok. i feel non judgmental often. not always.

    i feel so honored you wrote back to me. thank you. i feel very admirable of your honesty.

    i feel weird. thank you for being open to me daria. i’m sorry for when i have done or written weird things to you in the past or if i have ever hurt your feelings.

    i feel super weird and vulnerable. argh. ew.



  37.  #37Tina on August 9, 2009 at 7:17 pm

    I dont want to enter into a relationship where my low self worth is reinforced by my low self worth. I do know that much since coming to this blog. I can spend my spare time learning so much about myself rather than spend my idle time pining away for a relationship, that I had no idea until now, reinforcing my low self worth. I have moments (see above comments) lol.

    What started out as me procrastinating about hanging a mirror, turned into some soul searching, I asked myself why I was having trouble hanging a mirror that I bought months ago. I looked at the empty space on the wall and wondered where I put the mirror. I searched around in my junk and found it. The mirror has a key holder and I wanted to place it next to or close to the door. I have hardly any tools, I have some, thanks to my problem solving ability I can work with what I have. I found screws to fit, I know something about anchoring the screws, so I did that. I leveled by eye , it was perfect. I doubt an earthquake could move it now. I cleaned the mirror off and hung it up. I looked at my reflection in the mirror and smiled, I said ” oh, there you are, Tina, you did it!” I feel accomplished. baby steps.

    I feel undeserving of a good and happy relationship, the forever after I hear so much about. I want it, first I have to figure out why – I’m almost there lol – I feel undeserving of a great partner, I can say no to some things but not to others. I feel exploited, I feel I’ve been exploited all my life, is this the effects,? is this what it feels like,? I hear this word all the time, I just never applied it to me. I feel like I just woke up from a very long sleep. Rather than focus on my mistreatment and explotation by others. Why do I feel undeserving of doing something simple like putting up a wall mirror? Here we go again lol. I’ve been doing the -seat-of-my-pants method of my own self worth. Bare- knuckle approach is no longer serving my purpose. I made a list of the tools I need to finish the top level of my house. level, hammer, tool box for now. My low self worth and feeling undeserving is a common theme in my “problems list.”



  38.  #38alias girl on August 9, 2009 at 9:01 pm

    i just re read the article.

    i feel very unsettled. i could dissect it but i won’t. but the language tells the story. i feel vey unsettled by the lack of communication of feelings.

    the dynamic between any two people is between those two people. but i don’t want a marriage or relationship that i feel i am “in control” of. i want to move forward with two voices, two opinions about things and ever evolving decision making.

    a woman who handles her husband’s announcement of complete dissatisfaction within the relationship the same way she handles her child’s temper tantrums (her words) by acting as if it has nothing to do with her and becoming stoic…

    i just feel unsettled.

    and a man who says you’re not going to LET me move out. (and she didn’t)

    the dynamic feels very child to dominating mother.

    ugh. i feel bad. why does telling my truth feel bad sometimes? because i don’t want other people to feel bad.

    i don’t want to hurt people. i am just working things out for myself. and by other people sharing and living their lives i get to learn what i might want and what i might not.

    i’m sure lots of people wouldn’t want to have cyber sex with a stranger and then get jealous about some thing he does or doesn’t do. i’m sure lots of people would have negative opinions about that. or maybe not even negative. maybe just differing.

    would i want people blogging about my experience and what i shared all across the world wide web? well i guess i don’t really care because i put it out there in a public forum to be digested and chewed on and possible spit back out and dissected.

    hmmmm. i feel unsure. should i only offer an opinion if it is nice?



  39.  #39Tina on August 9, 2009 at 10:08 pm

    Alias girl,
    I feel its a well written article. She did say “I loved him from afar.” sounds to me like intimacy issues. I don’t know, I could be wrong. What do I know about intimacy lol, according to the information I’m getting, I suffer from this. I feel we recognize the feelings in the language she uses or the atmosphere or something, or could just be my fucked up perceptions.



  40.  #40yg on August 9, 2009 at 10:57 pm

    being in a similar situation but i cant seem to
    ‘confidence in your ability to handle your OWN truth’ or, being able to handle my emotions …i need support. when i ask it from him i push him away , so true, i have glimps of confidence but they go as they come
    i am invested over my head here, 20 years, kids etc
    our relationship childhood deaseas were toxic narcissist vs codependent, i am the second, as you say we put that in the air now, that being said, how can i continue?



  41.  #41Bethany on August 9, 2009 at 11:05 pm

    http://movies.msn.com/movies/article.aspx?news=425231&GT1=28101

    Kind of the opposite of the guy in this article…This story is about Brad Pitt’s life with Angelina Jolie…I wonder, why her? I mean, I KNOW why her, she’s amazing and there’s something about her that’s different than Jennifer Aniston and Gwyneth Paltrow…but can’t put my finger on it…is it her take-me-or-leave me attitude? She seems like she doesn’t NEED him at all…and he’s BRAD PITT…she’s been through some tough things, how did she get so confident?



  42.  #42alias girl on August 9, 2009 at 11:21 pm

    hmm. yes. i do get that too tina. i see what you are saying. they did so much together as a family etc and accomplished “dreams” together. just because she’s not all gushing with feeling messages doesn’t mean she does not share her feelings with her husband. plus the article is from one perspective—by design— i imagine. i mean you can only put so many different angles in a 300 word essay or whatever. it’s not the documented tome of the entire marriage.

    i feel good about the discussion of it. i wonder if the author will write a follow-up article. i feel good about what rori added to it.

    also that it was a very good example of leaning back and not pushing him further away. hmm. i feel both ways about the article. i feel both ways about most things though.

    except puppy dogs and good sex and eclairs!! i feel mostly just one way about those things —- GOOD!!!!!!!



  43.  #43Frantelle on August 9, 2009 at 11:31 pm

    I feel that Laura was very good at controlling her emotions and can imagine how hard that must have been for her. Though it does sound as though she had strong foundations to start with. After all, this was AFTER 20 years of marriage that the problem was arising. I feel it was insightful of her to anticipate what her husband may need (space/distance) and that she was willing to give it to him because she loved him so much. I could also see her looking after herself. “I would not suffer” says so much about how she was doing it not only for him but for herself and what she wanted of the future. While so many details have been left out my perception is that Laura was a strong, confident woman who knew what she wanted and was willing to work for that.

    Everyone has different perceptions and so it is hard to know what to do and even harder not to catergorise people. Recently something has come up for me and I didn’t even see it coming. I am in a long distance relationship with my boyfriend at the moment and his anger and feelings of pressure have come up and he has withdrawn and will barely speak to me. I feel I have a good understanding of what the triggers for him might be (i.e. me pressuring him to move to be closer next year and me being annoying and in a bad mood, me not wanting him to see this girl he used to sleep with), but I’m sure there are also other reasons for him acting out, and while not fair on me, I can see that this is his way of dealing with things when they all get too much. I am going back home (the town where he also lives) and hope to catch up with him. I hope that we can both talk so that each other can hear, as being LD at the moment I don’t see how I can lean back much further than I have been. Its so hard to know what will happen but I am trying to maintain confidence and positivity, hard as it is. At the end of the day though, if he is not willing to work/meet a compromise, then this r/ship will not last. I feel sad about that eventuality but do not want to continue with a man who does not want to be with me. Any suggestions on how I can get him to open up about his feelings?



  44.  #44Tina on August 9, 2009 at 11:52 pm

    Alias girl,
    I remember talking to 1 1/2 year boyfriend, I said “there is something I cant quite put my finger on about how I feel but once I do I will know” I feel the same way about this couple in the article. I suppose its the truth , the truth is my low self esteem allowed me to drag on this relationship for as long as it did, I had high hopes though. At times I felt like a crumb stealer, not waiting for crumbs to be doled out to me. how sad and lame is that lol.



  45.  #45Tina on August 10, 2009 at 12:09 am

    lol That reminds of this “match” I have on my dating profile, he says sex five times a day is what he likes. I said to him well, we could do it for say five hours and just call it a day. through in some tantric, sensual massage plus some good ole head banging , bed shaking and were good to go lol. he says were a “match” lol. he’s crazy lol. He can fly planes but doesnt like to kill animals lol. So hunter man he is not. He lives a few time zones away so that is a problem. Christmas is the closest time he we can have our “first date” I’m hopeful 🙂



  46.  #46Symantha on August 10, 2009 at 12:34 am

    Trying again



  47.  #47yg on August 10, 2009 at 1:43 am

    thinking about this lady again, what that woman did is she manifested her commitment to the relationship – the third partner, like rori says in the book – she didnt confronted directly with her husband but through a third party, this softened her massage and made it real and clear in the world impossible to ignore, and inspiring to her partner



  48.  #48Tina on August 10, 2009 at 4:19 am

    I feel I have so much to learn. ng, I googled narcissism and bpd, now I feel I suffer both lol no kidding. Is this what a healthy relationship look like?. meaning the article. Do I show a “bunch of drunks” videos of social drinkers and say oh this is how to drink socially, see the way they drink say one or two drinks. see how they don’t get into arguments , break things, cry,do embarrassing things. I;m feeling out of touch here, if I’m going to be honest, I honestly dont know if circular dating is in her best interest. I am beginning to feel like I have bpd and he is a narcisist, we fit together somewhat like two peas in a pod, going on our merry way to relationship hell. It’s a fine example of how “normal people” do things I suppose,yes she is committed to the relationship, so was I or at least I felt I was until I learned I may very well have relationship and intimacy issues. She obviously does not need Rori Rayes tools. I feel so triggered by this article.



  49.  #49Tina on August 10, 2009 at 4:20 am

    I feel lost about the third partner. Is that in the relationship ebook.?



  50.  #50Mercedes on August 10, 2009 at 7:04 am

    I remember when J and I broke up once. I didn’t stay in the same house and I didn’t say “I don’t buy it” (but I might have if we had been living together at the time – because honestly, I didn’t buy it when he told me he shouldn’t have committed to me…I just didn’t quite know what the hell had happened)…I walked out, but…he did take a lot of time to himself and really went on a journey of self-discovery. He was well into this journey before he invited me along and wanted me back. When he did…I continued to date other men but be there for him. Maybe that’s what was happening with this guy. Maybe he was on a personal journey of self-discovery and had to be at a place on that journey before he could “invite her along” by emotionally coming back to her. If this is the case, I doubt all was happy overnight and I believe he had discovered so much about himself that they had a LOT to talk about. I hope that’s what he spent his time doing…I know that when J did it, it changed everything for us in a VERY good way…

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  51.  #51DocK on August 10, 2009 at 7:09 am

    Trying to catch up on this blog/thread.

    I feel happy to read comments in the RR blogs. Happy because there is SO MUCH here going on. Each voice is so individual but interesting and compelling in the uniqueness. In between the words – so much feeling – the whole soup of feelings. I like the exchange of Divas. I like the riffing (I’m so bad at it but I do practice on my own). : )

    I love the humor – not laughing at anyone but with everyone as we sometimes poke fun of our own situations. I love the sharing of difficult issues and support from the community.

    So today is my b’day and I am 49. I feel funny receiving the compliments that you extraordinary Goddesses have given me. I feel proud of some things I have accomplished and taking care of myself but I feel frustrated with myself at times thinking I could have always done more. But I love my frustration because it has helped me in my life to go for things I want and try but I feel loving towards myself for the times I didn’t because I have had the sense to honor my own energy levels when I needed to! : )

    I feel compassion for the woman in the article with the husband throwing an emotional tantrum. I imagine she felt her own soup of feelings – anger at him (what now? wasn’t everything just fine?); frustration with herself (why didn’t I see this coming?); fear (for herself, and her children if he did choose to leave); and sadness for what everyone would go through seeing this process to the end.

    She didn’t have the Rori Raye tools (unfortunate) but she did the best she could. I imagine that a lot was exchanged when they had that “hard talk” to which she refers that we were not privy to hear.

    I, too, have had my emotional temper tantrums in relationships borne of insecurity and fear. I feel grateful that my LI was so patient. I feel dumb-founded that he chased me down every time I ran for the hills (I would have said ‘the hell with you’ long before the tenth time or so). Luckily, I was starting with Rori’s programs during this time and I finally learned I can lean back instead of just running away. Even so, receiving feels scary to me still but at least now I know how to deal with the “stories” in my head and work through them and face my fear and trust myself (and him, god forbid?)



  52.  #52Daria on August 10, 2009 at 10:36 am

    Alias Girl – actually that was really helpful to me. I feel glad I am working through my issues of disagreeing and also expressing. I feel very intrigued. Thank you for the sweet stuff yuu said , I feel love too.

    Im feeling overwhelmed lately seeing all the areas where i am still frozen, like at the club and in a crowd mz eyes get glossy and i feel unfocused and detached.#

    Also i really want to be included in a group and have fun and I feel hopeless. I often feel not connected except for specific times i remember feeling connected, and I want to feel like that all the time.

    I have noticed a lot of improvement in myself with my family and standing up for myself, wich feels good, theres still more to go ther too tho.#

    I am at the airport in Germany right now on mz waz to Romania. the z is in the y place on the german kezboard.



  53.  #53Rori Raye on August 10, 2009 at 10:36 am

    yg – I’m so sorry – but I have no idea what you’re referring to with the “third partner.” I don’t believe I’ve ever mentioned such a thing. Can you clarify? I would never advocate talking to anyone through a “third party” – perhaps this is someone else’s work?



  54.  #54Daria on August 10, 2009 at 10:41 am

    I want to use EFT to clear my limiting beliefs, I feel hindered by being around people and stuff. Also I realize i can do it in mz head but to get to the deep stuff sometimes i start crying or laughing and I feel hampered by people around me to cry with shaking sobs all of a sudden.

    On another note my´”hopeless love” pain has alleviated, I more notice mzself feeling frozen too, and i just say oh wow thats amazing im frozen.#

    I still feel a little sad at the sad loss of love songs but not as hopeless as before. yay. ##

    I feel washed by waves of energy hitting my back if i even sing to myself “pretty ways your pretty ways” its a song out right now about a guy who lets a girl go because she i guess wasnt good for him even though he loves her and her pretty ways. He says he#s gonna have to forget her and her pretty ways#

    here come the tingles they are coming up my legs now and i feel like crying in my nose now.



  55.  #55Tracy on August 10, 2009 at 10:44 am

    i feel that i have created a pattern with my past relationships.A pattern where i always felt second best and i was never the one….i have always been the friend and never quite got the man i was really attracted to……
    I can trace it back to my childhood when i was a little girl….i remember always feeling inadequate no matter how much i tried..all my past relationship have been proof of lack of faith in myself..I feel amused that all the solutions to my queries are actually here with me…i feel amused by this…i feel that i am slowly making a breakthrough and finding my own path…It feels like it has been long time coming….



  56.  #56Rori Raye on August 10, 2009 at 10:46 am

    Welcome, Frantelle, and you already know what I’m going to say. If you are long-distance with a man, and not married to him, or at least engaged…you should NOT be exclusive. That’s it. Circular Date. He’s pulling away, and it’s not important WHY. Your vibe and your heart will suffer by putting so much store in what this man wants. What YOU want has to come first for YOU — otherwise, no matter how much you try to hide it, your feelings of frustration and urge to push will come out, one way or another. Love, Rori



  57.  #57DocK on August 10, 2009 at 11:38 am

    (Note to Daria – I had put this in a different thread but think everyone was off of it by then…my nephew was recently in Romania. He’s been visiting the places of his heritage. I can’t wait to hear all about it.)



  58.  #58alias girl on August 10, 2009 at 12:36 pm

    happy birthday dock!!!!

    have a great time in your homeland daria!!!! i feel good we communicated.

    maybe yg means like that diagram rori has in one of the materials ? there is me. and there is him. and then the circles cross over and there is that space of the relationship?

    thank you universe for my superfabulous, fun-filled, easy, prosperous life filled with love and lovely warm-hearted people that are awesome and i feel close to.



  59.  #59DocK on August 10, 2009 at 12:50 pm

    Thanks AG – felt happy and sunshiney reading your last paragraph!



  60.  #60yg on August 10, 2009 at 1:45 pm

    i guess i wasn’t clear before, anyway i was referring to :

    “this seems obvious. relationship is a team. marriage is a team
    but often this is the first thing that breaks down
    a relationship is a team with 3 members.

    there’s you, there’s him, and then there’s the relationship.
    as a couple, you create a brand new organism,
    with requirements and needs of its own.”
    from the ebook

    what i meant is that in the time of crises with ‘him’ she showed how committed she is to the ‘relationship’ [the third party]

    this was very clear to me in contrast to my own behavior, as the crises started i almost stopped functioning completely at home, with the kids etc… not a great idea…hers is much better

    i hope this makes it clearer



  61.  #61heartbeat on August 10, 2009 at 2:09 pm

    Happy Birthday, Dock!! xx



  62.  #62Rori Raye on August 10, 2009 at 2:22 pm

    Thank you, yg! Rori



  63.  #63Ann on August 10, 2009 at 2:27 pm

    Happy Birthday Dock, hope your having a great day.

    I love to read everyone’s discoveries.

    I thought YG was referring to Rori’s the third way



  64.  #64Tina on August 10, 2009 at 2:55 pm

    Thank you ng for clearing that up. Happy B-day Dock!.



  65.  #65Tina on August 10, 2009 at 4:22 pm

    I understand now what she means, the third party (the relationship) only happens when there is a relationship. I found myself in a situation where I was struggling to define it (relationship) for myself. It’s been defined thats for sure, so I’m left with circular dating, I like it.

    Tonight I have date, he emailed me and asked to meet for coffee, he is driving 1/2 hrs for this date. He left me is number to call, I said ok I would call, then quickly changed my mind and emailed him back and asked if he would call me instead, sure no problem he said.

    We talked about the dating site, we laughed. I said (jokingly) that I will start providing my dates with a map to my location – from all directions. I decided to meet him tonight on the spot. He agreed – of course.

    He then asks me if I had any other boyfriend, someone waiting in the bushes to attack him lol. I said no of course not lol – funny question I thought but reasonable, he said he was in pretty good shape ( I could tell lol) and that he can defend himself lol. He said he is nervous lol. I felt intrigued about why he felt nervous, oh did I lean forward oh crap. anyway,,, he is arriving here in about an hour , I’m getting ready.

    I promise I wont ask him about his nervousness, I laughed at the his story about him arriving at my location with coffee in hand and being pounced on by a crazy ex boyfriend. He seem to be concerned about his reputation. Should I be concerned about mine? lol

    He wants to go for breakfast then swimming or whatever, Is this going to turn into a 24 hr first date? Ive been analyzing way to much, feeling my feelings. I have to laugh at toast and tap water. Big boy is going to sleep in his car or get a hotel room about 20 mins away.

    I do have safety concerns as well, I’ll mention this to him if it comes up again, he’s really keen on safety because of his work lol.



  66.  #66gina on August 10, 2009 at 10:28 pm

    Hi ladies,
    I feel all out of the loop. I was reading everyone’s posts earlier and was impressed by everyone’s enthusiasm and strength.
    I just had a strange experience. I feel like the weirdest of the weird. I smoked weed and drank alcohol with a man that I met last night and we were connecting really well, but then he laid (layed) down on my couch with his head near my lap. he grinned up at me with his face upside down and I felt scared out of my wits and I told him that suddenly I didn’t feel comfortable but that everything has felt really fun but that now I’m feeling like i should set a boundary. WTF??! So apparrently it’s a good thing that I rarely smoke. wow. I’m dumfounded. How can I be dumfounded at my own self. I feel so confused. I think this guy is great, but he has super long dreadlocks that make me feel a little neausous, and his overall feeling is somewhat feminine, although I appreciate that we have similar diets. yeah i just don’t want to worship him. that’s what i want. I want a man to worship who worshps me. I want to love love love him. I want to take care of his home, I want to take care of his body. I want to make him feel good. I want to make his home beautiful, I want to make him happy. I want to have healthy beautiful babies with him. I want to love our babies and feed them and make them happy. I want to breastfeed my babies. I want to go down on my man. I want to make love. I want affection and romance and sex and lust and love and challenge and competition and play and pleasure and abundance. I know the man I want this with. I want him I want him I want him



  67.  #67gina on August 10, 2009 at 10:46 pm

    I just realized I have no idea how to be with men. I want them to admire me for what I am – as an object. I feel very scared of intimacy.



  68.  #68gina on August 10, 2009 at 11:05 pm

    I got totally scared. it just felt way too soon for him to be coming over. I wouldn’t have gone that route except there was marijuana in the picture. and then we were drinking vodka at my house and I suddenly felt like it was all totally innappropriate. I think I’ll consider going to church – I need to apply more structure to my life – things are falling apart. Okay. tommorrow I will get up and organize a plan.
    Aaaaah!!! is this my masculine side taking over and ignoring the fact I would like an actual man to balance out my yin yang? or is this my higher self saying “nope this does not satisfy your desire at this moment – he’s gotta go.” ? I feel hard on my self. but then not hard enough on myself cause the truth is that it’s totally cause of the pot. Not the pot. My love of the pot. The joint kept going out, and when he asked if wanted him to relight it I said “sure,” when, really, I was totally satisfied. i have a pot problem. It’s like chocolate or heroin for me. Picking my skin is another unfortunate habit that inhibits light and love in my life. Tardiness, also – although I have been doing MUCH better in that regard. I have been failing to show up to things i don’t want to do. I feel conflicted. I feel that i need structure in my life. But I look at the structures of our society virtually falling apart, I feel a desire to be creative about how i live my life. But I know I need discipline. I keep thinking – you are under the influence of substances. How much does that invalidate what i say? And what to make of the experience that I had under the influence – substances like alcohol and drugs play a significant role in courtship – I feel curious to know more. But I just realized that my key lesson was that weed isn’t bad. but the love of weed is – If I had stopped smoking when the joint went out the first time, I could have been fine enough to carry on with grace and poise. but instead I was a total fool, wasnt’ I? I felt creeped out by his intimate gaze, and then when he was all smiley upside down, i got spooked. I feel so weird.



  69.  #69alias girl on August 11, 2009 at 1:46 am

    world peace is no longer on my list of priorities. if people want to fight and kill themselves then they should have the pleasure or satisfaction of doing so.

    my only focus from here on out is me. how can i make myself happy? how can i please myself? how can i increase my joy. how can i expand to be able to feel more joy, more ecstasy, more love. more often.

    thoughts of aligning myself with great sums of money and a fabulous place to live and traveling and fine dining and all sorts of dining experiences and Great sex and lovely people and focussing on the positive ONLY ONLY ONLY ONLY.

    that is all. that is everything for me from here on out.

    i am plugging in.

    i eat foods i like. i wear clothes i love. i paint my walls colors i like. i do activities i enjoy. i either make peace with my current activity or i turn away and find something more pleasing.

    thank you for my new perspective. i feel good to feel plugged in. tomorrow will be interesting and surprising and lovely for me. i feel so excited about all the things i dream of that come to me. i feel excited that my vibration is now a match for joy and love and fun and easiness and prosperity.



  70.  #70alias girl on August 11, 2009 at 1:48 am

    i feel very pleased that my last comment was the 69th comment. 🙂 the life of ecstacy has begun.



  71.  #71yg on August 11, 2009 at 3:05 am

    things are starting to change
    i switched into a much nicer station in my had radio and im able to function and breath

    my husband who left for a ten days vacation by himself [clever of him i must say, didnt get it at first]
    sent me positive encouraging emails, saying i changed and how that changed him [energy bubble?]

    |we found a reasonable healing way to follow
    i could say its RR way, but i feel as if she gave us the tools to find OUR way

    i remember the first day i wrote him took me literally all day to clear all the ‘you’ to rewrite in ‘i fill’ and then the hardest to ‘lean back’.
    my husband travel all the time he rarely answer my emails and if he does it used to be about practical stuff or the kids] you can imagine my surprise when i received a mail after 5 minuets with answers to all i wrote and a ‘i love you ‘ in the end.
    first i was stressed – how can i response? , im so moved, it will take me hours to clean all the ‘you’ etc – then i knew, i wrote him – im so moved, i cant talk, will write later, love you to.

    it simply works.

    i think i was very unconnected with my feeling and now i learn to trust them and my self. when i write something that starts with i fill, i find myself saying things i didnt know were in me and that i like allot.
    i always felt this gap between my body and my had – like there’s a void there – it was my feelings unherd and unattended.

    the other day i was driving the car and the radio played an opera that i used to work in before we met, it took me in a time machine to the person i was before all this 20 years ago, now i stay with that sense of self and it makes me behave with all the RR rules but without even having to think about it…

    now its easy , he is not home, i can reread my mails before i response etc…im scared of what we will go through when he returns, i will need to be really aware at all times…

    i dont want to go back

    wish me luck



  72.  #72Karen on August 11, 2009 at 3:22 am

    I wonder if it would be right or wrong to “use” one’s children for circular dating- I.E. take them out and have a great time with them instead of dating other men or dating one’s self when one’s significant other is not providing the kind of love and security a woman needs in a relationship. Any thoughts on this?



  73.  #73Tina on August 11, 2009 at 4:23 am

    Sorry to hear Gina your date ruined your buzz lol. How do I do boundaries and sexual energy.? keep the date to a minimum instead of 8 hours do only 1hr. My date found my place with no problems , I opened the door and there he was in my driveway. Wow, I said to him, “I’m impressed” I grinned. He stepped out of his car and gave me a coffee then shook my hand, Wow big hands, I felt for sure he would crush my fingers. Nice bum too. 48 yrs. with a nice bum, yeah. We sat in BK because it was the only place open. We went to a karaoke bar , but no singing tonight awe, I felt bummed -yeah. I wanted to practice my new fleetwood mac song. He said he liked the way everyones head turned when we walked in, he asked if I noticed it. I remembered what Rori said about the man sitting in front of me is lonely. I didnt feel I had to try and lean back, it seemed so natural, except when we talked about “reputations” . We made out a little, I feel the date went great, I also I feel I could easily invest more time and energy into this man, if it werent for circular dating. He did ask questions about “leaning back” without really knowing what I was doing. I did get the sense that he felt compelled to touch my skin, he touched my knee, he was sortof steering me around, he did finally hold my hand in the car on our way back to take me home. We did make out some before, he liked that , I did too. We talked about sex, I told him how I felt about it, how I get all emotionally tied up and how I feel bad if things didnt work out and all. He said he can wait. It was our first date so I didnt feel I had to say anything further about sex, just that it wasnt going to happen. I saw ‘warm and fuzzy” the other day, we talked a little while, he asked me if I was still with 1
    1/2 yr guy, I said no. We didnt get a chance to talk much, I was with my son.

    Alias girl, lol I too am just beginning to feel that way about my life, I always wondered why everything was such a struggle. I still struggle with feeling deserving , I didnt realize that this was part of my problem. I feel this process is so good, I remember 1 1/2 yr guy saying something along those lines “oh, that’s if you deserve it” the feeling is what I remember, he just reinforced my low self worth, ah well…



  74.  #74Daria on August 11, 2009 at 4:58 am

    I’m feeling so terribly sad and lonely, maybe its the jet lag, maybe its the time in my cycle when i start to feel sad. Last nite in my shower I felt so much sobbingh, I feel so sad and unable to connect with people the way I want to be connected because im a\\judging people I guess i just dont feel it.

    I feel so depreessed and i wanted to die . I de\feeel scared that working on myself means I wont care aout\\bout worl \d peace anymore i\which is so importantt to me but maybe i\will realize if it really is by working on mysel.f.

    I feel so d\sad and lonely. I feel better now actually i feel i\empowered by taking myself on my own to an internet cafe and then was abl \e to pay my bills fo\irt\st there wasnt enuf money than 4 minutes later there was. HEhe typos.

    i fel



  75.  #75DocK on August 11, 2009 at 5:48 am

    Thanks all for b’day wishes. Your stories continue to make me feel intrigued with all the interesting and exciting experiences you are having.

    The day was very nice. My LI, who had once informed me that he doesn’t “do” greeting cards, gave me one anyway. The present he gave to me is beautiful but he was very shy about it (he is having a different experience of prosperity than I am currently having). It is a woman’s torso with beautiful creme colored dress and flowers at bosom and fringe hanging from hips – very feminine, curvy and goddessy and it is to hang jewelry off of it. I felt sexy and sireny receiving it and putting my jewelry on it. It seemed a thoughtful, beautiful gift.

    We did go out and had a very nice time overall. There was a moment with the dumplings and chopsticks. I know that there is nothing hoity toity about using chopsticks but coming from inner-city Detroit (originally) using chopsticks was actually considered being pretentious. I know, weird, but it has kind of stuck with me. I do know how to use them but don’t like how it feels kind of based on that. He seemed shocked that I didn’t want to use them and I felt judged about it. I finally just said, ‘I don’t feel comfortable using them but I feel very comfortable with you using them,’ and he laughed and hugged me and all was fine.

    Thank you Rori. : )



  76.  #76Simply Shannon on August 11, 2009 at 7:16 am

    I haven’t had time to post lately. Been staying busy. Girls’ night last night and a date with a new guy tonight. Of course A finally texted me this morning (after a week). “hey girl. how have you been?” I felt surprised that he texted me, then happy, and then annoyed all at the same time. Oh well. Texted him “I feel good. Been busy.” So who knows. I’m still circular dating and that’s that.

    I really came over to say: Happy Birthday Dock!!

    All of you are beautiful sirens!! I love reading your words. I feel fascinated by each person’s individuality and by the power you each have. I feel more confident having you with me on this journey.

    Shannon



  77.  #77gina on August 11, 2009 at 11:33 am

    I watched some kabbalah videos yesterday – they were short and sweet, but the concepts are VERY BIG. Sometimes I feel like I “get it” with my whole being but i have to ‘realize’ the truth of it in a lot of different ways. I’ll try to articulate what i learned about world peace: basically, taking care of ourselves is the key to world peace. In order for us to experience the joy of abundance, we must receive for the sake of the global community. I get the impression that I must study Kabbalah at length to fully understand how to apply this every day. But the main point was that in order for the world to change, man’s attitude must change. For those of us who are experiencing peace, but feel bad that we’re not worrying about world peace – that sounds like “the opponent” working in the trickiest of ways. He tricks us into thinking it’s honorable to worry, but this is just inhibiting the Light from getting through to us. I think when we receive the light, we become a source of light for others. So we want to receive as much light as possible so that we can share it. And think of how much light the world needs!! We can never receive enough light, because there is so much we must share in order to create world peace. That’s what I’m learning so far.



  78.  #78Rori Raye on August 11, 2009 at 12:16 pm

    yg – you ROCK!!! You will do fine when he shows up…Love, Rori



  79.  #79DocK on August 11, 2009 at 12:23 pm

    Gina – that’s great! I am not in touch with Kabbalah myself but my spiritual practice says a lot of the same…that by changing your own consciousness to one of peace – you ARE bringing the world closer to world peace. Also, poverty and sickness – you/we/us/I cannot be sick enough or poor enough to heal the entire world of this. My prosperity can help another to be prosperous. My health can help me to do good in the world to give of my gift to help others.

    I think most faiths say a lot of the same if we listen closely. I honor all paths that individuals choose to follow.

    SS: Thanks for b’day wish. I know that the roller-coaster or “soup” of emotions is going to be with you but I feel happy to hear that you are doing stuff with guys and gals – and that you are busy – just as you told A. : )



  80.  #80BelleNoiseuse on August 11, 2009 at 12:55 pm

    Ha! As soon as I read this article, I thought of you, Rori! This is exactly what works!! This woman is a genius! I thought, “wow, this is exactly what Rori would advise,” and I was sure you would approve. And then I wondered if Laura Munson had been listening to your CDs/DVDs, like me.



  81.  #81Ann on August 11, 2009 at 3:02 pm

    Karen I feel there is nothing wrong with having fun with your children. You’re making great memories for each other, as well as showing them how to enjoy life. Have fun.



  82.  #82Linda on August 11, 2009 at 3:18 pm

    I have a question? When it is okay to be vunerable and tell a man what you want and need. I am not talking about someone you dont really know or are interested in. If any of you know from my posts… this on again off again man in my life. The one I have drawn boundaries with… but things are not yet….

    Is it when you dont care if he is the one that fills? I feel soft femine today. Sentimental and melancholy to some degree. He is coming over this evening…I need to drop my car off for servicing and a ride to work tomorrow he is doing that for me. …. I was weepy on the phone with him… yikes! I am not a clingy person, I often and a indepandant strong assured woman. Today I cant find that person… today I feel like a little girl/woman/ goddess they all have needs bubbling to the surface.

    I have to find a balance. maybe feeling this way will bring it. Emotional connection is the key for me, being vunerable to express the desire and need for it feel scarey!….

    Linda



  83.  #83yg on August 11, 2009 at 5:38 pm

    thank you Rori, this helps…im so happy i found you

    p.s

    1- is that fine with you?
    http://fivekidsandalaptop.blogspot.com/2009/08/rr-have-relationship-you-want.html

    2- my girlfriends ask if the e-book is available in french



  84.  #84Simply Shannon on August 11, 2009 at 6:28 pm

    Dock: I hope you had a wonderful birthday! I feel happy to be busy too. Had a good date tonight. Wasn’t off the charts attraction but I’m feeling okay with that. Maybe this time I won’t jump in the water so quickly. Maybe I’ll wade in and see how I feel and then go deeper. 😉

    Linda: For me, I’m just being authentic as it happens. If I feel sentimental, then I’m going to tell him that. I just need to phrase it so that it’s about what I want with a man (aka any man, not HIM). I talk big (liquid courage at the moment – wine is so damn tasty). I’m pumping you up because I need the courage for Friday when I go on a date with A.

    So, I’m off to write a speech to A. He texted me today and we’re making plans to go out on Friday. My feeling right now is anticipation and hope coupled with a blah nonchalance. Circular Dating rocks just in case you aren’t a believer (and I wasn’t about two weeks ago). I didn’t have off the chart sparks with the guy tonight but it was enough of an attraction that my whole vibe is different (at least right this second). i want the whole sha-bang with A, but tonight I feel confident that if I don’t have it with him, I’ll have it with someone. I’m possibly having another date (different guy again) on Thursday. I’m praying that bolsters me even further for the date with A on Friday. I’m going to have fun on Friday with A regardless. I don’t want to have the whole conversation about him cheating on me. I just want to have fun with him. I miss that. I miss him. And that’s my honest truth. He had his temper tantrum (like the guy in the above article), and I’m treating it like that. Right now I just want to show him that he hasn’t devastated me (because he hasn’t). I want him to see my strength and make his own choice about what he wants. I don’t want him making any decisions based on his guilt or on his own loneliness.

    That’s how I feel right this second. I’m going to work on this speech (sort of my end of the night “if you’re not careful, you’ll lose me forever” speech). I’ll be back in a bit for advice and editing.

    Truly you each amaze me with your honesty. I only wish we could all feel confident enough to go out into the world with all of this and not be afraid to share it.

    Shannon



  85.  #85alias girl on August 11, 2009 at 8:44 pm

    oohh. rori may go International and bilingual and all. totally cool.

    daria. sweet daria. it’s YOUR life. you can keep whatever priorities YOU want.

    i have replaced world peace with fashion. it’s just a choice that feels better to me. i have spent enough time on the former and not enough on the latter. i feel good to find peace within myself and accept and allow other people to have what they want. i feel so much better. i feel like a huge weight and cross has been lifted from me.

    linda i feel supportive. i feel like you are a surfer just ridin’ the waves. i feel good imagining that.

    tina. yae for fun date with cute-bum guy. nice.

    karen i feel good to hear of someone spending time with their kids. only you know if you feel you are “using” themto escape or hide. maybe the time is right for you to just focus on your kids. i would pay attention to how i feel and just move towards the better feelings.

    shannon i feel very Excited at your current experiences! i feel appreciative of you sharing.

    i feel excited about circular dating for myself.

    thank you for a lovely lovely day and a good feeling inside. thank you!

    i feel appreciative of all the sirens.



  86.  #86Karen on August 11, 2009 at 9:23 pm

    ann, thanks for the positive!
    alias girl, in a way, I am “using” my kids instead of dating other men while I’m trying to learn to like my own company. However, I we are having the best times with each other and reconnecting in a lot of healthy ways. we’ve been going to the lake, to movies, to the library, and the occasional restaurant WITHOUT my man. Kids are 15, 13 and 11 and because of my work schedule and their school schedule, we lost track of each other until summer break. I guess I’ll have to find other fun things to do now that school is back in session- LOL!



  87.  #87Daria on August 12, 2009 at 1:29 am

    Alias Girl and gina – thank you for posting about the world peace thing.

    I had been feeling very triggered by it as one of my fears is that as people will work on themselves they will no longer care about other people and be like fuck other people and they’re suffering, I don’t care and that makes me feel furious because in my mind I judge people for thinking this way and feel that this is the root of all evil.

    Although a part of me realizes that what Alias Girl decided was good and healing and works out for the best and for healing everyone

    my nv was saying bad stuff big time… i was feel so overwhelmed realizing how much healing I have to go since I still have these world peace issues to take care of.

    And because I still feel so very lonely. What I want is for friends, men or women, to call me or come over in the morning, share activities and fun wiht me. I have been feeling SO LONELY. I have I want to die thoughts.

    I am wondering if this is because I am healing and I’m feeling all these bad feelings that were stuck.

    I have realized that i have been on a “quest” since I was eight and now it’s ending! I don’t have to struggle too much anymore because I have already done enought struggling to prove myself even to myself. I can feel that I will soon be free.

    I talked to a business coach/healer lady she does business coaching her website is http://www.authenticchangecoach.com i think. she really touched me and I realized that I got Ripped from my roots and have been scared to root to the Earth since. I feel empowered that someone else could understand this and even more empowered because I realize that once this heals and it will since I “see” it now, I will feel free from so much of my pain.

    I have had so much pain Jesus.



  88.  #88yg on August 12, 2009 at 2:11 pm

    i am facing a big [XXL] ‘voice’ problem
    but i found a tool to help me cope

    yesterday i found out that my writing changes how i feel, it happened when i wrote my husband i was scared of his return, i became much more scared after, i noticed its like a train that carries me around, i decided to choose the destination

    i have real problems going to sleep lately so i decided to write a list of all the good things that happened to me that day, hoping to feel better before going to bad,
    write them down just like im taking a medicine,

    and you know, it worked.

    i opened in blogger a blog that only i can read and i update it at night – anything between i found a new babysitter,i did push ups, i didnt eat that pizza etc.

    the more good I wrote the more good i found
    and it kept me through the night, the morning and the whole day today, i feel i can trust this tool, its simple and effective [well, on me]

    having to change so much so quickly now, this is what i do all day, try to see were i fall and to find a tool to help me there, i cant wait till i receive the ‘modern’ and the ‘reconnect’, I ordered both…



  89.  #89alias girl on August 12, 2009 at 5:04 pm

    some really cute guy i was chatting with just out of the blue

    _struck up a conversation
    -told me i was beautiful so many times i lost count

    he said in the next 30 days i am going to meet the love of my life and he is going to rock my world! he said the guy is going to wear me out. he also said i am going to marry wealthy. i asked if that was the only way i will come into wealth. he said no but the guy is going to be wealthy.

    i asked if he was a psychic. he said no.

    i told him he made my day. he told me again i was beautiful. 🙂

    how great. i feel great. i am in beverly hills. i just was meandering rodeo drive. you know, since my focus is fashion now. 🙂

    omg the chanel store had the CUTEST dresses. omg.



  90.  #90Daria on August 13, 2009 at 9:16 am

    I love Alias Girl!



  91.  #91alias girl on August 14, 2009 at 12:52 am

    I LOVE YOU TOO!



  92.  #92alias girl on August 14, 2009 at 1:02 am

    i met this guy last night at this church and when i was leaving he walked with me for a second and gave me his business card and told me to add fim on facebook or something. he said he’d like to take me to lunch. i don’t do facebook but i felt open to lunch. i didn’t know if i’d follow up on it. then a few minutes later he found me outside (he had come after me !!! :)) and we talked and he asked me for my number and i gave it to him then he asked me for dinner. and i felt a little shcoked and unsure. and also he had mentioned in so many ways his lack of finances many times in our short conversation. so i actually didn’t feel good about the invitation. for some reason i felt i would feel obligated to him. i can’t explain it. it’s like if i was talking to you about how strapped i am for cash and said it many times then asked to take you out. even as siren to siren. wouldn’t you feel like oh i feel weird. anyway i felt ick and kind of turned off and hedged in for some reason. so i ended up not calling him back today (he called 2x)

    but i feel very excited to be attracting in the rori raye way!!! and maybe i will go out with him later. i felt impressed because he had worked with musical artists i like and he seemed nice.

    and i had texted my ex and ended up feeling so over him.ugh. i felt like i was done and then he was all up on me. so i haven’t called him back either (he also called 2x)

    i feel good to follow my feelings. i feel very good to have learned the key to life from rori (and the sirens.)

    🙂



  93.  #93alias girl on August 14, 2009 at 1:11 am

    hahahahaahahahahaahahahahahhahahaaha

    i feel very excited about experimenting with life energy and manifesting.

    i feel happy to maybe do some modeling.
    i feel happy to maybe go to a few concerts
    i feel happy to meet the love of my life in the next 29 days!!!!!
    i feel good to get clear on my blog/web ventures and feel the joy of that process and creation.
    i feel good to manifest free money (my new thing that tickles me) i mean all money is free but i feel laughter when it’s like jokey free. i feel amused.
    i feel thrilled to be in excellent shape health wise
    i feel sooooo excited to get to doing my fav hobbie more
    i feel so excited that each new day is a potential for a new choice of outfit or hat or hairstyle or earrings or shoes. hmmm what should i wear. oh look how cute that girl looks oh i like her hair. oh i like my outfit. or oh i feel good to just feel relaxed in jeans and flip flops. ah every single day a chance to wear something different or mix it up. or wear a favorite. or wear an atrocious regrettable experiment. ah the possibilities.



  94.  #94Daria on August 14, 2009 at 3:57 am

    Omgosh that feels so super delightful and fun!!! yaya



  95.  #95DocK on August 15, 2009 at 1:42 pm

    AG: Woooo hooooo!!!! Yayyyyy for you. I feel happy reading your gratitude log. : )



  96.  #96Linmayu on August 21, 2009 at 3:54 pm

    I totally get this. Totally. Enough that I had to come back from a months-long hiatus to say something about it.

    I don’t agree, necessarily, with saying “I don’t buy it” to a man’s face in this situation, but that’s exactly what I’ve been saying to myself, daily, for several months, and will continue to say until I see it in the flesh.

    This worked for Laura–despite her mothering energy–because of her amazing, unshakable faith. She knew, deep down at her core, that her husband was not going anywhere. This kept her going, kept her loving unconditionally WITHOUT pursuing, even in the face of bad behavior.

    Likewise, I know deep down at my core that I must do the same thing–I have no other choice if I want to live honestly and authentically. Nothing is impossible. I plan on being back in several more months to report an equally amazing success.

    And it feels so good to “hear” all your lovely voices again. Goddesses, thank you all for doing what you do. <3



  97.  #97Ann on August 21, 2009 at 4:43 pm

    I’ve been sick this week and still feeling puny. So won’t be posting much but I had to say one thing.

    Hi Linmayu I’ve missed you! Look forward to seeing you around.



  98.  #98Linmayu on August 24, 2009 at 11:14 pm

    Aww, thanks Ann! 😀 It feels good to hear from you.



  99.  #99rita on January 4, 2010 at 12:09 pm

    I have found myself in a similiar situation for the past 8 months. I have listened and re-listened to your “Reconnect” series and have found some of the techniques to be practical and therefore doable. I have been in a comitted relationship for 6 years…2 of which we have lived together. Our 6 children between the 2 of us are grown..we are both 54. I was able to achieve my best love and my best relationship ever….we truly had a complete connection…until….I had a need to be away from him for 2 weeks out of the month. Before I would leave, he would find a reason to argue…precipitating a withdrawl on the night before I would depart. After a couple of these events, I asked him if he realized what was going on. Was he creating distance to ease the separation? He agreed this might be what was happening. The next month, we were able to short circuit any drama. The next month, he announced that the relationship just wasn’t working for him…and he wanted to be free to explore another relationship. Well….that relationship has lasted now for 8 months. We continue to see each other, are intimate with each other and I am suffering. He readily admits that he is lost, confused and uncertain about “what the rest of his life looks like”…he says it is unfair for me to wait for him. He tells me I need to move forward and if he catches up and I am still willing then he is a lucky man. If I have truly moved on, then he says it is a loss he will have to live with for the rest of his life. Why is he willing to take the risk? What is this thing that men go through…this dark valley of the soul? It is the perfect label for the angst he tells me he feels. He says he doesn’t deserve the kind of love I give him. He talks about needing to find his purpose in life. How do I really let him go? How do I move on, when I don’t want to move on. I just want him to be happy again…with us.
    The very of idea of dating makes me tired before I even walk out the door….I feel like I’m missing something obvious.



  100.  #100Rori Raye on January 4, 2010 at 3:24 pm

    Rita – Welcome, I’m so sorry for your pain, and I KNOW we can help you. You WILL be dating, if I can influence you – Circular Dating – it will heal you inside, make a reconnection with this man possible if it’s at all possible, and we’ll all help. First, though – Can you help me understand…you were actually gone from him 2 weeks out of every month? Can you tell me why? Because this alone would doom any relationship. It’s simply not doable like this. He wants close connection 24/7, and this does not work for him. He likely met this other woman during a separation. Or do I have it wrong? Were you only gone a few months? Are you back to being around always? Men say all kinds of things to “make things softer” for us when they are actually trying to move from relationship to friendship. They are conflicted and have mixed emotions and don’t want to let go of us. He is telling you the truth about you. Get back to us here, and then we’ll get on with getting you moving forward in your life and NOT exhausted, either. Love, Rori



  101.  #101kate on January 30, 2010 at 2:56 pm

    Hi

    I enjoyed reading and i hope my story will help others as. I feel like a mountain has been removed from my shoulders after reading this articele.

    My own situation was very similar. My husband had an affair, we worked and live together, we both worked so hard and high stress levels, i resented him ignoring me, shouting at me, he was pretty horrible to me and when he did try to come near me i would reject him because i was so angry and afraid…….and soooooo he found closeness and compassion from another woman.

    I am still in deep pain about this BUT after i found out (he did not tell me i found out myself) i virtually tied myself to a chair to prevent myself from waking him in the middle of the night and attacking him. I did the opposite to what most woman would do BUT i beleived i would win him back, even though i was so over weight and no confidence i was 100% sure i would win. i stumbled and fell and won all at the same time !!!!! I decided to love him, deal with my own pain alone until he was ready to deal with it, i lost all my weight, had my hair done, bought new clothes, looked after him how he likes, no arguements or doing my best to walk away, telling him i love him but no in sicky way, i wore high heels make up and sexy but sophisticated clothes every time he came home ay night (by the way i stopped working) this all worked BUT this woman was still around in his life, dirty pictures, phone calls and one meeting he had with her which made me feel so much more intense pain. I forgave him even though he went against his promises to me because i knew he loved me 100% and he knew as i made it clear that he was on the verge of losing me and how terrible that would be for him.

    It all worked, the day he came home and found a sexy beautiful wife and lovely food and table looking inviting he was shocked and loved it and he fell in love with me again, he loved new me more than the me he met originally. I did let my gaurd down and still do soooooo i am hoping that other woman who are trying to get it right 100% of the time realise you can do it wrong and still recover EXAMPLE: only last night we booked a hotel in london i bought sexy dress shoes had my hair done and i was sooooo excited to be out away from home and kids, love em but nice to go out) i was even meeting an old male friend alone for dinner and then meeting my husband later. I arrived at hotel got ready etc and my husband calls me, asks my arrangements (sorry he was still on his way to london as he was working) so i am alone in hotel. I tell him my friend is picking me from hotel, he says to me dont make me angry i say what….. this esclated near an aguement so i said i am going now i dont want to argue, 10 mins later he calls me ….. i was a bit jealous….. i am now in shock he has never ever said that to me ever ever and it felt so good and i told him so……. i said i am jealous sometimes too.

    Anyway back to the real point i got drunk at dinner and he told me what are you WEARING on reflection i think i looked to nice !!! he did not like other men looking at me BUT god it hurt inside of me, though i did not agree with me i knew i looked hot !!!! anyhow we end up back in the hotel and i have no memory of the taxi or going to the room all i can remember is lying on the floor in the bathroom crying so loud and screaming and shouting how much pain i am in and how i hated him sh..g.ng her etc etc i even hit my head against something anyway he told me the next day that he tried to help me and i pushed him away but my memory is that he did not help and it killed me more in that moment. in the morning i felt so ill i got up showered got dressed in something gorgous and went to the coffee lounge, i did consider leaving then i decided to go to the room and be quiet so i did, eventually we talked and he told me how hurt he was by my words and i told him how i was really feeling inside and that i had been protecting him from my true feelings due to fear of him not liking me. it took ages for him to really get it.

    i was ashamed of myself and worrying about the damage i had caused BUT he did not run away from me he embraced me then took care of me all day he even took our son out for laser game so i could have peace at home as i felt to so ill !!! and and best bit while we had breakfast he asked me what he can to change things for me to make me better ? TRAP nearly i told him DARLING NOTHING YOU HAVE DONE EVERYTHING RIGHT which he had he has been amazing, i said these are my inner self problems anout me not YOU please just be patient and kind to me while i sort them out, I WILL GET BETTER DARLING I KNOW I WILL and I AM HAPPY WITH EVERYTHING THAT WE ARE WE ARE AMAZING IN ALL WAYS AND I FEEL SO HAPPY ABOUT US AND YOU AND OUR FAMILY.

    So i know that this was long winded and i still have so much work to do REPARING ME not him, RIGHT FROM DAY ONE THE MORE I REPAIRED AND BETTERED ME THE MORE HE FOLLOWS MY EXAMPLE AND CHANGES HIS BEHAVIOUR so i have learned to stop worrying about making errors in the early days of change and repair BUT LEARN FROM THEM AND make them become a positive and TRY MY HARDEST NOT TO DO THEM AGAIN.

    I hope people enjoy this (…. by the way i have now stopped spending hours snooping through his phone, computer etc it took me 5 months to break this destructive habit, he knew i was doing it and still loves me……..)



  102.  #102kate on January 30, 2010 at 3:47 pm

    Rori

    i forgot to say to you (i got so carried away with my story) thank you thank you thank you.

    I now understand my pain, i cried so much when listening to the cds i finally found my soup. The mantra is so coool mine is I AM LOVE, I AM WARMTH I AM HOT, i say this all the time especially when i am out and so many men now double take to look at me and it is like magic. I am strugging on the no phone calls and letting him come to me EVERY TIME but when i get it right he does call and he does come to me he got pissed the first day i did it and i felt awful hurting him, BUT i am trying, i is so hard to do in a marriage which is on its way to getting repaired and so scarrrrrry.

    I am working through the steps BUT you have saved my life literally because now whatever happens i know i will be ok, before i was so terrified i thought if i lost him i would die literally !!!!!!!

    just a quick one when my husband first told me I AM GOING I DONT LOVE YOU WE ARE JUST FRIENDS SO ON ……. he did not tell me about other woman, i tried to presuade him to stay calmly and reason with him but he was adamant so i said ok i will go just look after me financially that is all i ask i wont bother you anymore. I went upstairs showered and packed i did not shout at him. You know what he did…. he came upstairs put his arms around me and cried and said PLEASE DONT LEAVE ME I DONT WANT YOU TO GO…..I LOVE YOU and so i started my task of saving our marriage as i knew i had to do it, i knew he would not be able to. I also verbally acknowledged to him that the affair was also my fault not just his i took my share of the responsibility fo shutting him out and not taking care of me.

    I find this so weird now as i did this naturally i was just going to go quietly i had not thought this through i just wanted to be dignified and he then chased me….. it proves to me how right you are about not doing anything.. and guess what the other woman did when he had to end it (by my request) she went crazy she shouted how dare you do this to me, you cant do this to me she cried she screamed, he even said to her how do you think my wife feels about this affair after 8 yrs of marraige, he told me that he thought she was not right in the head, ….i know there is irony in this as he hurt her and me BUT i wanted to point out about doing nothing and not chasing a man. She persued my husband for 2 months and she had no chance !!! she tried she sent dirty pics etc etc but my plan was so much better i did not chase i changed me totally (still got a long way to go though) and WON AND MY MAN IS NOW A DIFFERENT MAN DAILY HE CHANGES TO BE MORE WONDERFUL I FEEL SO LUCKY.

    i thought these could be a wonderful examples.
    I hope you like it and they make you smile.

    Thank you from the bottom of my heart
    If my son knew about you he would say thank you as he also now has a proper loving kind caring interested father in his life which he deeply needed, he was in pain too ( he is only 9yrs old so you can only imagine what his life was and would have been if this had not changed) our son for the first time in yrs went on his own accord and hugged his dad today and we literally went ahhhh how lovely and my husband looked like he might CRY how magical that moment was to us all….so on behalf of a beautiful little boy who was also in pain and on behalf of a husband who was also broken and in pain thank you.



  103.  #103Rori Raye on February 1, 2010 at 4:43 pm

    Kate, wow – what an amazing story….bless you and I’m so happy for you. Love, Rori



  104.  #104sapphire-n-jewels on June 30, 2010 at 3:01 pm

    Hello All
    I am going through something similar at the moment. Been with my partner for 14 months.
    We got engaged six weeks in to the realationship and he moved in 7 months into the relationship. I have been needy and not feeling very good in this relationship and constantly asking for reassurance of his love and affection. More recently I have found out he has been on POF ( a dating site) and I queried that he still had his log on. Anyway it all led to an argument with me questioning him over a women who appeared on his messenger service. He said that it was the last straw and was very hurt that I could even think that he would be doing such a thing. He has moved out now to his ex-wifes nothing going on apparently just a place to crash. He said he needed space and did not contact me for a week. He come round last weekend to get the house DIY underway and to get us ready to sell. Anyway things got better last weekend with me saying I was confused and unsure of where we are going from here. He was very loving and said that he just need little steps at the moment and stayed over Sunday night ( yes we made love twice and then he went off again on Monday ( he works away a lot as an electrical engineer). He phoned yesterday morning to surprise me and we had a nice chat on the phone. We have always been able to talk on the phone and always had long chats in the early days.
    I had promised to talk to him last night but was unable to as at a concert. Anyway he did not speak to me this morning but phoned whilst I was at work to let me know that he was not coming home from work until Saturday as he is going to be away for longer than planned. He not phoned tonight ( yes I weakened and phoned to say I wanted to wish him night night, but still no phone call back) I am getting more and more angry to the point that I am going to blow. We are meant to be engaged but I have decided tonight that I not want to be engaged until I feel that he is more committed to the relationship again . My question is how do I keep my anger under check and not let it blow. Up until now he has been loving and attentive and everything I could wish for. But it has all stopped now and it is breaking my heart.



  105.  #105Rori Raye on July 3, 2010 at 8:59 am

    sapphire, Welcome – and your anger is your clue – and the place you need to put all your energy and work is on your “neediness.” You cannot have a relationship from a place of being needy and not feeling very good – and from here – it’s hard to tell how much is him and what he’s doing, and how much is your CHOICE of him and getting triggered constantly. Please stay with us here, and let us beef up your self-esteem WITHOUT resorting to your anger – which is just covering everything up you need to look at right now…love, Rori



  106.  #106Sapphire-n-jewels on July 3, 2010 at 9:19 am

    Hello
    Thank you rori for replying
    it got worse since then. He told me he needs to be single and wants to date others
    I have suggested today that we both keep seeing each other but if he wants to see others then I will to. I am going to go out and circle date my little heart out keeping
    my options open. He said that I might meet someone else and I have said yes that is the risk we both take.
    That feels safe to me. I seem to
    remember you saying that the guys should not be allowed
    to do this. I feel that he is going through midlife crisis.
    Can I please have your suggestions on this.
    Best wishes sapphire.



  107.  #107Rori Raye on July 3, 2010 at 9:32 am

    Sapphire – you’re going about this correctly. Circular Date and see what happens. Love, Rori



  108.  #108monica on July 31, 2010 at 9:55 am

    Rori,
    Ive been reading a lot of your articles while I wait for my dvds (targeting mr. right). I even commented on a couple of articles. My situtation feels similar to this… but I went the route of begging, pleading, completely throwing myself at his feet. I go back and forth between wanting to circular date and do what you speak of here invite him back in a femimine irrestible way. We have been together for 10 years, married for 3 and have an 8 mo old…the first for us both. I am starting to see that I have been afraid of failure (divorce) for a long time. And would try to control him by threatening to divorce him. Also I would get angry and slent treatment him for weeks. Or just hold him my anger over time and then just explode. And finally one day he said lets divorce. Ever since then I have been trying to get him back. And have been pushing him further away. After finding your website. Now I not even sure if I really want him or not. I wonder if feeling powerless and jealous was why I was holding on so long. I guess I need to first figure out if I even still want him. That is such a hard thing for me to figure out…. I think the answer really makes me uncomfortable.



  109.  #109monica on July 31, 2010 at 9:56 am

    He has said he wanted a divorce..but hasnt filed fjor months. Sometimes I think he still loves me but Im not sure.



  110.  #110pamela on June 20, 2011 at 9:30 am

    I feel lost in my relationship.
    I have been married for 9 yrs with 3 girls to a normally wonderful man. I found out 6 weeks ago he was having an emotional affair with one of his employees. I found out, he blew up and wanted a divorce saying i smother him and he thinks i hate him. well we worked it out after a few “come to jesus” meetings. things have gotten better. He instigated a no contact outside of work with her. but guess what thanks to online text checking i found out he text her twice 2night and then called for 5 min
    update… he keeps calling her. we went on a date and had a wonderful time but he wont leave her alone. yesterday before our date i found her headband in his car… while we were cleaning it out 2gether. i told him throw it away and instead he stuck it in his drawer. I went in and chopped it into pieces and left it in the drawer. i found a text on his phone from her friends phone saying that he misses her and cant stand it without her. two hours before this he put in a transfer to another state to be with my family. he said that we needed it. and that if he is in bed in the morning and when i go to sleep that i should trust him. he said if i had an affair and he didnt know about it he wouldnt care because he didnt know. that he trusts me. but i dont have the trust because he wont leave her alone. he is making it sound like i should be okay with him seeing her until we leave in 2 months….
    hubby is adament about us moving across the country to my hometown, but still on the phone texting 2 her all day. he says it is me he wants and loves and comes home to sleep next to and that there is nothing there. he went online and unblocked her number and then changed the passwords on our account so i cant look anymore.
    he said you have to trust me, i was saying goodbye. but he is texting her how he will miss her and how he cant live without her. i am tryn to fill up my life, but i cant stand the thought of sharing for 2 months.
    sometimes i wanna slap him. Yesterday was fathers day. he worked a little late, went to a friends 45 min away, waited who knows where 2 hours and then went to friends. he will get to spend a total of 15 to 20 min. with his 3 girls today. happy fathers day to him.
    this upsets me.
    this drives me crazy. but i am supposed to be smiles and cheer when he walks in. how do i bite my tounge. how do i work on winning him back if hes with his “friend.”
    what makes this so bad is we used to talk about all the women that hit on him, point out people in mall, we always had a “open” laugh about how people looked and their sexual attraction. We always felt if we could come home and laugh about how someone tried to come on to us it was open and we would laugh. neither of us felt left out. my husband has never been like this. we have been 2gether for 9 yrs. and until 2 months ago we had a great, open communication relationship. we took great pride in all of it. now nothing is right. we are forcing laughter out even.
    right now i do not know which is worse….
    loosing my husband to that home-wrecking b****
    or loosing my best friend due to it.
    everyone is saying to just back off till the move and give him time to chase… its so hard. i want him 2 want me, but how is he supposed 2 notice that the ball isn’t in my court if hes chatting up the stupid waitress
    please help.
    please add your insights because i cant think straight on any of it…



  111.  #111Rori Raye on July 2, 2011 at 7:16 am

    Pamela – so sorry – your comment and question got hung up in moderation while I was away….didn’t see it…If this was happening to me, I’d be Circular Dating like mad and doing everything I could to stay sane. I’d stop talking about this, and checking texts, and walk backwards, away from him. I’d be so angry I’d go slam pillows into the floor and go to the batting cage and slug baseballs into the steel fencing. I wouldn’t talk about this at all, and I’d change my hair and clothes and colors and routine and start talking with men I’d never met wherever I meet them….
    Love, Rori



  112.  #1121xdutch on July 10, 2011 at 6:21 pm

    Rori,
    This was a great story to read, and all the comments on it. I just found your website today and read your e-book. Eye opening!
    I have been married for 30 years and got the ” I love you but are not in love with you” speech about a year and a half ago. Unfortunately, we were living separate at the time due to work. Although I do understand our relationship was not that great, I did not understand why he had to quit it and did not want to try to work it out.
    Long story short, I did all the wrong things: begging, pleading, threatening etc. He had an emotional relation with a colleague at work and I asked several time if more was going on. He denied it. Than, 3 months ago he decided to quit his job and start a restaurant with me (great opportunity, something we had be dreaming about for a long time). When he did come back I found out he had a relationship with this women for almost a year. I did not know what to do, found myself cornered. The only way to a live and income is setting up the restaurant so I felt like I did not have much choice. I was also mad because this was a dream we had been talking about for a long time and now that is was possible he checked out on me emotionally. He is saying he does not want a relationship with anyone but is having contact with the other woman every day and threw a temper tantrum a couple of weeks ago because he wanted to go an see her. He is on “vacation” right now with her. The thing I do not understand is that he is living and working with me, he is nice and sweet and actually has giving me hugs and a real kiss this past week after I (without knowing it) let him know that what I feel about all of this without judging him.
    I learned a lot from your e-book today and found out I’m on my way to doing the right thing without even knowing it, but…. I’m still confused about my next step. I do love this man but the situation is not very good right now. I enjoy working with him and love it that I can snuggle up to him every night but he still does not give me any emotional support. Where do I go from here? Do I choose for me and start living my own live or do I choose to hang around and show him that I still care?
    Any input is greatly appreciated, I just started on a totally new journey after being married for that long (I was 18 when we got married).
    Thank you all for the great comments!



  113.  #113Yellowpetal on October 17, 2011 at 6:24 pm

    I have read the book This Is Not The Story You Think It Is-A Season of Unlikely Happiness by Laura Munson.