Resistance To Pain Makes More Pain – and Less Love

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greenseaHere’s a comment from la la land that brought up how we fight our emotions and actually cause ourselves more pain…and how to get out this endless cycle…

“Rori, i suffered all night because i resisted a feeling. again.
this time it was my oldest friend the jealousy train. i hate feeling that so i resisted as much as i could.
this hurts. [just like resisting pain when giving birth] well i must acknowledge it to go past it, so here it is:
i felt jealous about the ‘action’ he had when i came home: email, telephone calls etc.
before i left he kissed me in such a powerful way [i melted]. on my return he ignored me completely and was exited and overworked about someone else [a lady friend? his ex? his work? he doesn’t tell].
i felt like a total loser, i tried to do my own things repeating to myself take your focus off him, focus on yourself. it didnt help.
i lost into not sleeping all night, not knowing how to go past what i felt. i did not let go and sinked, i feared and resisted, and the monster grew and grew. my vibe in my head was so loud my husband said he felt like the alarm clock was ringing but he couldnt turn it off. where did i go wrong?

today he left for few days. i want to feeling message the event to get it over with, any tips?

Here’s my answer:

There’s so much in this comment.

First – about pain. la la land’s metaphor about giving birth, and resisting the pain making it hurt even worse – is SO right on!

There’s a whole field df medicine devoted to pain relief without drugs…I have a book myself…it’s a process of relaxing into the feeling…bit by bit by bit. it takes focus and will and determination. That’s why in childbirth classes there are actually techniques involved that you practice doing.

The Bradley method, when I had my daughter 20 years ago – was all about this.

Most people were doing Lamaze techniques, which focused on breathing and other ways to reduce or tolerate the pain – but the Bradley method was just about sinking INTO it. It was about flowing with the pain, and continually focusing on giving love to the baby working so hard to get out.

Emotions are the same this way…there’s some truth working to get out, and we resist it, because it hurts in the process. If we surrender to the pain of the birth of the emotion…we sink into it…it flows so much faster and more smoothly. (Of course, like everything else, it’s not a perfect analogy –there are always unusual circumstances…but let’s just say as an IDEA, and as an image for you to work with – this works.

What happened for you, la la, was actually monumental, and I want to wrap my arms around you, and encourage you to embrace yourself 24/7.

You NOTICED what was going on. You KNEW you were fighting. You TRIED to not fight.

Now…here’s where my Tools come in handy.

it’s easy for someone like me to say…Don’t fight your feelings. Surrender. Sink in…

But the DOING of it requires going against everything you know, everything you believe, everything you’ve ever done, and everything your own body wants you to do and is frightened of NOT doing.

That’s why my baby-step Tools.

Next time you feel yourself stuck on the Jealousy train, or the obsession train, or in a whirlpool of thought – and you just know you’re resisting a deeper, painful feeling….use Tools.

You can start by – Touching objects.

*Walk around the room.

*Feel textures and surfaces and get into the sensation of things – soft, hard…feel the way your HAND feels touching these things.

*Go outside and stare at a leaf for awhile…trace it’s lines carefully and make it an experience.

*Imagine yourself in a bathtub, and play with the imaginary water.

There are so many ideas you can come up with on your own…and so many tried-and-tested Tools in my programs – starting with the Sensual Meditation from the ebook would be helpful…so you don’t have to sit there and battle it out with yourself.

There are things you can DO – heaven knows we’ve all used the contents of the refrigerator and the ice cream bucket for this in the past…now use Tools that help you.

I know you all will help here…if you have my programs, throw out some Tools that have helped you from them…Like the

*Driving the Car Tool from Commitment Blueprint or the

*Jet Plane from the Toolkit.

Sometimes breathing works great, and sometimes it doesn’t. Sometimes focusing on allowing the feeling to come up works, and sometimes it intensifies the resistance.

This is why the Tools work — they’re completely different.

Your body and mind doesn’t relate a Tool in which you relate to a silk flower or a dust ball on the floor as threatening – and that’s why they work…

Let me know what works for you for sleepless nights and anxiety…and we’ll have a resource page here.

If you know the program you got it from, let us know that, too. I’m working on a “curriculum” of Tools and what they’re for from all the programs…until I put that together…let’s put the help out here any way we can…

Love, Rori

Posted in


  1.  #1Katie on December 30, 2009 at 5:02 pm

    If something is bothering me in the night – a feeling or anxiety – I find that getting up and finding a place to sit for a while and just to write about it really helps.
    Just sitting and writing down what ever comes to mind, all the details. It moves the feeling and pain from resistance to that feeling out of my brain and onto the paper. And then I can usually go back to bed and feel more peaceful. I know I can then see it with fresh vision the next day.
    Another ‘tool’ which I’ve used many nights when I’ve been in emotional pain is the ‘Sea’ tool from Modern Siren program. Using the ‘flow’ idea of waves, being pitched around in the storms and calms of my feelings and the resistance to the stormy parts. I imagine that the mattress is the sea’s surface and all my feelings are underneath me and I am floating ontop of them like it feels when just floating on water face up. I let them carry me, relax all my body, feel for tension in muscles and relax it, breathe and float with the feelings. This has allowed me to not fight myself by resisting what I am feeling. Doing this then carries me to better places that I would much rather be in myself. Usually I get to sleep soon after.
    Part of the success of just ‘floating’ is being able to just feel what I am feeling as a sensation rather than for example ‘thinking’ about the series of events and hurts and so on.
    Maybe this helps La La.

  2.  #2Lola on December 30, 2009 at 5:12 pm

    Hello Katie
    Am i right in thinking you are in UK? You’re up late like me if you are – there’s snow coming again!!!
    “I imagine that the mattress is the sea’s surface and all my feelings are underneath me and I am floating on top of them like it feels when just floating on water face up.”
    I might try that tonight it sounds good.
    : )

  3.  #3Katie on December 30, 2009 at 5:21 pm

    The other thing that’s come up reading this post is how I also want to jump to a solution like a fix-all feeling message. The ‘mother of all feeling messages’ so that I will feel better about myself, because I will be understood by ‘the man’.
    However, I am practising feeling messages with myself first, because I need to know what is going on inside for MY own benefit. If it’s jealousy, for example, it might be an end result from fear, or feeling lesser or disempowered. So its about peeling away layers behind the jealousy, hurt or anger to get to the real motivating feelings.
    This blog and Rori’s ‘work’ has helped me over the past 3 months more than ANYTHING else anywhere that I’ve ever come across. I have gone from feeling stuck in heartbreak to actually feeling good about myself and looking forward to 2010!
    Thanks Rori and all here xxx

  4.  #4Katie on December 30, 2009 at 5:25 pm

    Hi Lola, yes I am in UK (Southwest). Yep it is a bit late here, and I am just about to go and ‘float’ on the good feelings that I am feeling tonight. Not because HE did this or that or that I hope HE will do this or that, but because I feel good to be Katie 🙂
    🙂 xxx

  5.  #5Daria on December 30, 2009 at 5:28 pm

    What helps me is meditaing, i sit in the cross leggy position (which was difficult for me) and ask each part of my body to release, starting from my forhead, while i breathe.

    then i either focus on my body, or my breath, but by the time i have released… and my body acutally listens!! to me, it listens even more, so ican count 5 4 3 21 to a trance where i suggest, or look at the “problem” and let it morph, cuz i am much more open in that state, or vision, etccc…

    this helps me enormously and is the coolest thing ive found that helps me when im feeling overwhelmed emotionally which used to be daily

  6.  #6Daria on December 30, 2009 at 5:29 pm

    when i get out of meditating i feel calm

  7.  #7Rachel on December 30, 2009 at 7:03 pm

    Good evening everyone…

    I feel like I just have to share this. I have been “recovering” from a relationship that left me very heartbroken and struggling. Over the past two months, our communication all but ended. I reached the point where i told him goodbye. I stopped any initiating, etc. Although outwardly, I was doing the right things I continued to struggle inside, but slowly I made progress until I stopped looking for emails or texts, etc. If one came in, I responded in the same tone (i.e. newsy, joking, etc).

    I also met another man who has been slowly earning my trust by being very consistent and expressive of his desire to spend time with me, calls me every day, etc.

    NOW… Guy A is popping up. This is what Rori said would happen and part of me is excited. The other part of me is terrified. I feel like I was just getting my bearings and now my emotions are all over the place again. I find myself checking email/messenger again. We’ve chatted for three days straight. He told me last night that he is still in love with me, misses me, etc.

    I told him that there had to be new boundaries… that I could not go back to the way things were. He said he understood.

    I am just so afraid of messing this up. And now I’m not sure what to do with Guy B who is truly a keeper. He has been here for me when no one else was. My feelings were growing for him, but I have to admit that Guy A is where my heart has been for the last year.

    So… any thoughts? Have any of you had this experience where a guy came back and you didn’t feel ready for it? How can I keep myself in a good place where I can enjoy this… right now I’m just feeling scared that I will somehow blow it and end up broken hearted again.


  8.  #8Rachel on December 30, 2009 at 7:05 pm

    I should add that Guy A is a long distance relationship as he’s in the military stationed across the country from me … that’s why we’re chatting instead of actually getting together. I feel like it’s so hard for me to convey my feelings as well via email or phone. But it’s all we have for now.

  9.  #9alias girl on December 30, 2009 at 8:57 pm

    i feel intriguied. this guy who would text me every so often that i would ignore texts because that’s what i do because it feels best to do that.

    anyway he finally called. hah. and i answered the phone. AND while i was speaking with him this other guy that i spoke with yesterday who said he would call me back around nine last night (and never did) called.

    HAH. and i realized that i had originally told the guy who didn’t call back that i was going to call him back weeks ago and never had. because at the time i was in my experiment phase of being a boy and then realized i liked being a girl better so i never called him back even though i said i would.

    this probably all sounds like mumbled jumbo but this is GREAT PROGRESS for me.


    i feel amused that it won’t even make sense why this is great progress.

    i feel amused and giggly and very pleased and hopeful and light and content and sel accepting and feminine and very very goddessey. mmmm i feel very yummy.

  10.  #10alias girl on December 30, 2009 at 8:59 pm

    katie i feel similar. rori’s tools and programs and blog have helped me in ways nothing else did.

    i feel very self empowered and appreciative.

    thank you rori!!

    and thank you goddesses!

  11.  #11gina on December 30, 2009 at 9:19 pm

    i feel sorta bla. I just went on a date with a very nice guy, and I felt comfortable with him. And it was good to listen to him. and to be with him. but it doesn’t feel good to spend time getting to know guys who I’m not attracted to. I know there are positives…but mostly it doesn’t feel so good. not bad either. bla de bla…

  12.  #12Jennifer on December 30, 2009 at 10:02 pm

    I am working on sinking in to the feelings. This is hard for me…I want to distract myself.
    I feel alot of pain way down deep….not news. But I also feel panicky.
    I feel an emptiness in me. I just have this urge to call B or go over on some randomly un-necessary errand. I just feel like I want to see him to make him say to my face that he thinks I was with him out of financial motivation.

    What good would that do? I have a fantasy in my head where he does a complete reversal of his former opinions and behavior and starts to act in a way that makes me feel comfortable.
    Is this likely? Um…no.
    It’s more likely that he would refuse to answer the question if I asked if he REALLY thought it was about money for me he would avoid and or blame me.
    I would become angry and hurt and leave. Then I would have more hurt to get through.
    I know Rori advises to be open to the possibility of being surprised but that doesn’t happen with this guy often enough to be counted on.
    I also think she advocated not acting out our half of the fantasies running around in our heads.
    So I am trying to sink into the emptiness and the loneliness and the sadness.
    It sucks. Boy -howdy.

    I also need to sink into the fear. It is “free communication weekend” at Eharmony.
    So the guys on my match list could contact me. Or I could contact them. But I re-read all of the matches and was like “yuck”
    It felt ewwww to contact anyone. It felt like cheating. It felt like “why bother”
    I know that underneath all of this feeling is fear. I keep distracting myself with busy work and other feelings to keep from feeling the fear.
    I will try the ocean waves technique and some EFT. Hopefully this helps.

  13.  #13mary on December 31, 2009 at 12:02 am

    Hi Rachel,

    I was in a similar position recently.

    When you told Guy A that there had to be new boundaries, did you mention dating other guys? It might be wise to tell him that you’re not in girlfriend mode at the moment, but that you’re soooooooo glad to see him and would like to spend more time with him!

    I’m voting on Guy B, the one who has keeper qualities. Let your mind direct your heart, and the feelings will follow (is what “they” say… I don’t know what Rori would say). Am I doing that? No. I ditched Guy B and went back to Guy A. I keep giving him my speeches and he keeps acting like we’re boyfriend/girlfriend! It’s a bit bizarre, but I keep going with it. I’m not sure what to do either.

    I think I need to make my mind up about Guy A. If I decided that HE’S the keeper, I’m going to circular date to get another proposal. While I’m circular dating, who knows? I might meet another keeper! Or Guy A will step up, or not. It seems a way to force the issue, but I’m not sure I want to do it at this moment. I don’t want to bring out the big guns too soon.

    But, if I were in your shoes, and Guy A had JUST COME BACK, I’d act as though I’m dating lots of guys (even if I’m not), and go out and get lots of guys to date. That’s what I’d do.

    Guy A against Guy B is not a good scenario. It didn’t work for me, and I had to choose, or I’d have neither of them today. So I chose Guy A because he felt like “home” to me – (I’ve known him longer…)

    Hope this helps, even a bit?

  14.  #14Tina on December 31, 2009 at 12:16 am

    I feel like I just got back from vacation:) oh it feel good to be back, lots of interesting new developments with “truckman.”

  15.  #15alias girl on December 31, 2009 at 12:54 am

    hi tina!!!!!!

    jennifer i feel supportive. i feel good you are on your goddess path.

  16.  #16Daria on December 31, 2009 at 12:59 am

    Gina …what was his message ?

  17.  #17Tina on December 31, 2009 at 1:10 am

    Alias girl hello! “truckman” and I are having sex now heheeeeeeeeee, It’s to much info but yeah, were doing the bump and grind.

  18.  #18Tina on December 31, 2009 at 1:12 am

    Hi Daria! I’ll be back later lol to share 🙂

  19.  #19alias girl on December 31, 2009 at 1:20 am

    thas cool, tina! 🙂



  20.  #20gina on December 31, 2009 at 1:24 am

    his message was…i forget… cause I just went on another date and it was a good one!!! He’s a guy I work with. I always liked him, but he’s not “cute” in some sort of playboy kinda way. He’s funny and interesting and artistic. I always felt a little charmed by him, but I didn’t think of him romantically. But the other day, he asked me if I’d like to get coffee sometime, and I said yes. He got my number and he’s been in touch over the last couple of days. Tonight he texted that he was playing pool in my neighborhood, and he asked if I’d like to join. I decided that I would, and I told him that I would walk over. But then he asked which street met my elevator, and I was so pleased that he seemed to be suggesting that he would pick me up. I was nervous that I had misinterpreted, but lo and behold he showed up, and I had a really good time. I feel super.

    Ummm….I think the message of the first date was that sometimes it’s just not a match, and the second date showed me that sometimes it is. fun!

  21.  #21Rori Raye on December 31, 2009 at 1:30 am

    Rachel – You don’t have to choose! That’s the big thing for you to hang onto now…you can date whoever you like and whoever shows up….draw this out with guy B as long as you like. 3 to 4 months is usually the place where a man shows his real self to you and the chinks in the “good behavior” start to show up. Let’s say that Guy A is an addiction. Take back your heart!!! Barbra Streisand sang a song many years ago that I listened to over and over in the middle of the heartbroken night – I’m not crazy now about the rest of the lyric…but I love this one: “My heart belongs to me….” This may get messy, but it doesn’t mean you’re messing up – really. It’s our need for “order” that tends to mess us up the most. Please, please keep Guy B around and don’t sleep with Guy A again until you’re absolutely sure he’s going to do the job (and please back off on the messages, etc….there’s nothing the same as the voice or physical presence….) Love, Rori

  22.  #22gina on December 31, 2009 at 1:52 am

    Reading Rachel’s situation and Rori’s response about our need for order has made me wonder even more about whether I wasn’t all that “successful” when i told Johnny that I didn’t wish to speak to him anymore…at first I tolerated small talk. And then I just told him that I didn’t wish to speak to him anymore, followed by some feeling messages as to why. And then I felt sad and he looked sad and he walked away. But we both tried to smile and be cool. But if he wanted me, he would call me. right? I have a feeling that I’ll see him around again, or that he might contact me once he is up and running with his new job. and I don’t know where I stand. I think back to how I felt pressured to have sex, and I think about how he stopped contacting me shortly after, and then I think about how he was sort of sticking to me when I bumped into him a couple of weeks ago, and I just feel so confused. Did I set a boundary? Or did I limit my experience by trying to create order???

  23.  #23mary on December 31, 2009 at 1:55 am

    Rori, I love my first guy, R. LOVE HIM! The former sex addict. He says he loves me but isn’t sure if he can make the commitment. He doesn’t know if he can trust himself. He has fears that he’ll fall back into his lifelong pattern of hunting women. Or that he’ll feel trapped.

    If I get involved with other guys, (circular date), I could get the proposal from him, (and that already happened), but what I WANT from him is recovery first and THEN the proposal. What I want is sustainability once I have him.

    No one talks about that.

    So I’m thinking about just telling him that I understand. That I feel insecure about him, and that what I don’t want is to feel like I’m trapping anyone, so I’m going to keep my options open, etc., etc. He’s the one who said he doesn’t want to be on my kissing team, so I think he’ll probably just let me go if I do this.

    And that’s what’s so difficult for me. I can’t seem to move past this difficulty.

    Do you have any hope to give me?

  24.  #24Daria on December 31, 2009 at 2:00 am

    Gina – it sounds good to me that he might contact you once hes got a job. and maybe his mind and new charge. then youll see where HE stands . cuz you stand right in the middle of Goddess Earth, looking like a heart dripping honey on wildflowers

  25.  #25Daria on December 31, 2009 at 2:03 am

    i re read and realized you didnt mean where you stand with him. whew. thankk goodness. gotcha. you dont know what to think about him. well … thats ok surely.

    it sounds like it feels offbalance to think fo him. its my newest revelation . some men feel off balance. and i think aobut them a lot. tryna regain balance. feeling offbalance


    i want to feel sensual goddessy and flowy, not in the middle of goddess offbalanceness, no matter how cute i look teetering and waving trying not to fall

  26.  #26mary on December 31, 2009 at 2:05 am

    i feel goddess offbalanceness.

  27.  #27Daria on December 31, 2009 at 2:05 am

    but i love myself offbalancy. cuz after what i just wrote i am So cute. i love my offbalance self, and my fun times walking on the edge, yes im daring and adventurous1 i love my fun, and i feel good that i feel good about myself when i feel offbalance and i feel glad and excited and i also want to feel so secure that i can lithely and body awarenessy felinely step dance and spring with my panther butterscotch step rarrgh

  28.  #28gina on December 31, 2009 at 2:07 am

    thanks for those beautiful images daria. and yes, he does feel off balance to think of. it’s weird how that is…I heard from some lady recently that we are looking for men who are “great oaks.” and that feels right. someone deeply rooted and strong and sturdy…..

  29.  #29Daria on December 31, 2009 at 2:08 am

    Mary in the spirit of the conversation today, what about giving him some scary honesty and saying

    i dont want to start being serious until you get some help for your addiction and i feel totally secure in your ability to be faithful. but i love you and i love spending time with you and still feel ok dating you…

    and then go Circular date, and let him date you, and naturally get inspired and energized by the circumstances and competition to give you what you want, which is his healing

  30.  #30Daria on December 31, 2009 at 2:10 am

    my first reaction: i dotn know any great oaks!

    all i know is boys struggling in this hard hard world! how will they ever make it! i feel compassion and hopelessness and romance and fatality and tragedy

    i love my tragedy passionate reactions thoughts

  31.  #31alias girl on December 31, 2009 at 3:49 am

    i feel heat rising in my body. sometimes i feel so drawn in with certain people. and sometimes i just feel so let down. sometimes i feel so subtly attacked.

    “so much jealousy and envy coming from my enemies.”

    this is good though. i have experienced this my entire life.

    my family did not want me to shine. people in my life not wanting me to shine because they themselves are not shining.

    you see it with celebrities. people just wanting to tear them down like they are not people.

    people just doing their own thing and it inspires jealousy with others. people coming into my corner of the world and then wanting to spit on me because they are jealous jealous jealous.

    get a life. get your own shine going so you don’t have to tear down others to feel good about yourself.

    for reals.

    i will not stop shining. i will learn not to be triggered by it. it is their issue. it has nothing to do with me. my joy is my joy. the darkness can not take out the light. it is not possible. you can not add so much darkness as to diminish the light.

    but the light can affect the darkness.

    thank you.


    ok i feel better now.

  32.  #32alias girl on December 31, 2009 at 4:01 am




























    how do i deal with other people’s jealousy and mean spiritedness. especially when they do it in a public way.


    how do i heal this?

    thank you. i feel so grateful this is be healed.

    thank you.

  33.  #33alias girl on December 31, 2009 at 4:13 am






    GET A LIFE!!!!!


    I FEEL SAD. i feel sad. 🙁 why am i a target for this?


    i am not bothering anyone. i am doing my own thing.

    why do i inspire this? it is just the way of the world? i feel alone. i feel crying. i feel sad. i feel hatred.

    i hate to be mocked. i feel sensitive. it is one thing for a stranger to mock me. it is another thing for someone who pretends to be my friend to mock me.

    and not even straight up about it.

    i feel hateful. i feel superior. i feel like i just put on an armor jacket. i feel triggered. i feel intensely triggered.

    what is my best way of being with this?

    what is my best way of being with this?

    it reminds me of my mother.

    i feel triggered. i feel sorrowful. i feel disgusted. i feel sad. i feel really really sad and distrustful.

    how dare you pretend you are worthy of getting close to me and then just stab me and jab me and mock me and purposefully create disgustingness.



    i feel so utterly disgusted so disgusted

    so disgusted

    how dare you

  34.  #34alias girl on December 31, 2009 at 4:14 am

    i feel reminded of my family.

    my family would purposefully jab at me and stomp on my sensitive heart

    caused by their own self loathing


    i feel disgusted

  35.  #35alias girl on December 31, 2009 at 4:16 am

    i feel violated.

    i feel VIOLATED.









  36.  #36alias girl on December 31, 2009 at 4:16 am

    i feel VIOLATED

  37.  #37alias girl on December 31, 2009 at 4:25 am

    i feel like bashing your head in. i feel like never ever speaking to you again. i feel like running you over with my car. i feel like throwing you to the lions. i feel like pushing you off a roof.

    ugh i feel violated and i feel violent

    how dare you.

    how dare you



    i feel hatred.

    i feel such disgust.

    i love my disgust. i love my hatred. i love my violent fantasies of your demise. i love my feelings of betrayal. i love that i am psychic. i love my self protectiveness. i love my shaking body. i feel my sad face. i love my furiousness. i love that i am SO AWESOME to inspire people’s jealousy and vampiric need to want to be just like me.

    HAAH i feel spiteful

    i feel like punching you and pummeling you into concrete.

    i love my violent reaction to be BETRAYED AND VIOLATED and mocked publically yet cowardly and covertly. i feel so absolutely disgusted and judgemental.

    i feel i am coming back to normal. THANK GOD.

    i feel very powerful. i feel EXTREMELY POWERFUL. i am an intense force of nature.

    i feel appreciative of my self. i feel self loving. i feel self empowered



    my self love is bathing me and protecting me and shining on me and renewing me. i am immune to other people’s disgusting grossness. GROSS. I feel self loving.

    i feel protective. i feel grateful i do not have children because i would be very over protective.

    i love myself.

    I feel encouraged and strengthened. i feel like i can go on and be bigger and stronger and shine even brighter and lovelier than ever before.

    i feel appreciative of my intuitiveness.

    i feel appreciative of my past.

    i feel angered. i feel disappointed.

    i feel disappointed.

  38.  #38alias girl on December 31, 2009 at 4:30 am

    how dare you.

    how dare you.

    i feel shakey body. i feel vengeful. i feel like saying hateful things. i love my vengefulness. i love my anger. i love my shakey body. i love my ability to resource and care for myself.

    how dare you.

    i feel foolish for even putting you in such a high esteem status in my head and heart that i would even allow what you say or think to affect me so much.

    i feel disappointed.

    how dare you.

    i feel better superior. i feel self protective. how dare you weasel your way in only to then turn around and be a covert TOXIC fuckwad

    how dare you stomp on my pure and sensitive heart

    how dare you take my goodness and twist it into your toxic view and putt it around like i am some form of you twisted toxic amusement

    how dare you

    i feel mistreated

    i feel disgusted

    i feel just about done with this.

    ah finally. i feel a ray of sun through the clouds. i feel a smirk of amusement.

    how dare you

    how dare you

    how dare you stomp on my beautiful lovely sensitive pure playful wonderful awe inspiring delicious yearning spirit


  39.  #39alias girl on December 31, 2009 at 4:48 am

    i feel shaking body. i feel such shaking body that it is shaking the desk. i feel sad. i feel shaking body. i feel deep breath. why is my body shaking? i love my shaking body. i love the release of energy. i feel hunching shoulders and shaking.

    i feel my shoulder rising to my ears. i feel weird movements with my body.

    i feel the urge to punch my fist A LOT OF TIMES INTO SOMEONE’S NOSE. i love my punching urge. fight is stronger than flight. i feel very FIGHT right now.

    i love my strength. i feel like if i were in a boxing ring i would be winning a big gold belt buckle. a light weight champion of the world. thank you very much. i feel such tenseness in my shoulders and jaw. rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.


    i feel disgusted. i feel so superior. so smug and superior. i love my smugness and superiority. i feel so much better than. i love my feelings of superiority hiding my other feelings. like a blanket. i will just throw a big heavy blanket of superiority over it all.

    i feel such disgust. SUCH DISGUST. i love my disgust. i love that i am going on and on and on and on and on.

    BECAUSE NORMALLY I DON’T SAY ANYTHING. ALL THE MILLIONS OF TIMES THIS HAS HAPPENED IN MY LIFE. ok maybe not millions. i am exaggerating. but it has happened alot. and because it is done in a COWARDLY AND COVERT WAY i never confronted it because i would look like the “crazy” one.

    what? what are you talking about? “what? you are too sensitive, alias girl. oh, they didn’t mean anything by it. you are misinterpreting” etc etc etc etc etc


    ah i feel so triggered. wow. huge family grossness. ugh.

    wow. how dare you.

  40.  #40alias girl on December 31, 2009 at 4:59 am

    i feel shaking head and disappointed.

    i feel deep breath.

    i feel a nodding of understanding.

    i feel more deep breaths. i feel shaking head and disappointment again.

    i feel befuddled about the most empowered way to handle these kinds of situations. so insidious and covert,

    do i just ask straight out? then what if they deny and say i am off base.

    i feel triggered.

    what is the solution? to not care. why should I care? what do i care? but then i keep flighting from all human situations. 🙁



    i feel picked on.



    why are you picking on me?

    why are you doing it so covertly? why can’t you just be a bully or fuckwad to my face?

    why are you hiding in the darkness with your mean spiritedness? why are you trying to bring me down? why are you so focussed on me in the first place? who asked you to pay attention to me?

    it’s not like i am lady gaga-ing my way through the world. i am just kind of doing my own thing here. why are you picking on me?


    and why so covertly?

    ugh. i feel disgusted.

    i feel baffled and confused.

    i feel thankful that i am healing this. i feel so appreciative that i will finally be able to lay this issue to rest.

    thank you.

  41.  #41alias girl on December 31, 2009 at 5:14 am

    if someone exhibits a quality or behavior i do not like what is the best course of action for me?

    if i focus on it then it will only show up more. however if i actually feel intense rage about it and “pretend” i don’t…hmmm i feel confused.

    but if i focus on a different quality in that person then that is what i will draw out of that person.

    rgh. i feel confused.

    i have a learned belief that is no longer useful for me.

    my non useful belief is that:

    it is not safe to shine because others will become angry and jealous and try to destroy me


    okkeeee that is a pretty intense and pretty damaging belief i have there. i love my old beliefs that are no longer applicable or useful to my life.


    my new belief is:

    people love me. people support me and encourage me and compliment me sincerely and openly and love nothing more than to see me shine. i am an inspiration to everyone i meet.

    thank you. 🙂

  42.  #42alias girl on December 31, 2009 at 5:21 am

    ok now having just gone through this i feel confused by rori’s current post. it says resistance to the feelings of pain causes more pain.

    yet the suggestions offered in the article seem to be distractions to the pain.


    how am i sinking into a feeling if i am shifting my focus to a tree or leaf or something outside of me. isn’t that distracting myself rather than sinking into a feeling?

  43.  #43mary on December 31, 2009 at 6:44 am


    i’m gonna say this tonight: “i dont want to start being serious until you get some help for your addiction and i feel totally secure in your ability to be faithful. but i love you and i love spending time with you and still feel ok dating you…”

    thank you.

    i love my offbalance self, and my fun times walking on the edge, yes im daring and adventurous! i’m daring and adventurous.

    i’ll let you know how it goes. wow, thank you for responding.


    i’m daring and adventurous. i love my fun, and i feel good that i feel good about myself when i feel offbalance. and i love butterscotch.

  44.  #44mary on December 31, 2009 at 7:00 am

    alias girl,

    i think you are sinking into a feeling. i think this is your way of doing it, and i respect that. you have so much intelligence! i can see why people would be envious and jealous. i don’t know why they treat you so badly. but you contribute so much to this blog, and i’ve been so amused and tickled and inspired by you that i can’t imagine what their problem is.

    i think you’re right. you don’t need any distractions for the pain. just feel it. feel humiliated. feel violated. feel angry. feel fear. let those feelings wash over you and then come back to siren island where the huge waves are just tiny little ripples coming over to shore. rest for a while.

  45.  #45alias girl on December 31, 2009 at 7:19 am

    i feel sad. i feel angry. i feel very victimy. i feel angry. i feel like someone just zapped me with their toxicity and i bought into it. i bought inot THEIR movie script where they like to fight with eveyone and jab jab jab and thieve and take and take and take and take and jab and cause more war and more violence and toxic toxic toxic toxic toxic toxic toxic toxic toxic toxic

    i feel like i have been sucked into their ugly vortex.

    what is the solution?

    what is the solution?

    what is the solution?

    i feel so distraught and defeated.

    why do i not bring out the best in people? i feel crying. why am i taking responsiblity for peole being cruel to me? i feel sobbing.

    why do i have people betraying me? i feel sad. i feel sad and angry. i feel so angry that i have been sucked into this. what is the solution? do i ignore it when people are doing weird things oto me? i ignored things at work and they just got worse and worse. i ignored it the first few times in this situation and it just keeps coming up . why?

    what is the solution? what needs to be healed in me?

    i have a right to shine if i want to shine. i have a right to be happy and pleased with myself and find joy in my life. if people don’t like it why don’t they go dig a ditch and hate themselves and sit in their ditch and hate themselves all day and leave me the eff out of it.

    do i just ignore it? what is the solution? ignoring it in my past turned out not good.

    I HATE CONFLICT. i hate telling people to stop harassing me. i hate people. i hate all people. i hate you. i feel such hatred. i feel such hatred. why are people so freaking mean and effed up? why? i feel so angry.

    how dare you. ah i donlt even feel indignant anymore. i feel angry. i feel angry. i feel sad. i feel discouraged.

    i feel so alone. how dare you. how dare you. argh. i don’t really feel gratified in saying that anymore. i feel like


    what do you get out of it?

    does it feel good?

    do you like hurting people and pretending you are really just being ladeeda?

    is it fun to push people’s buttons? to make people angry so that you can feel better about yourself?

    i dated a man like that. my family was like that. my last job.

    why do i inspire people to want to make me angry? why do i inspire people to want to hurt me? embarass mem humiliate me, is it fun to try and humiliate me?


    why would i be a target for that?

    why do people want to humiliate others? oh because of their own unhealed shame.


    my own unhealed shame.


    that’s really the core of all blech

    in my opinion.

    why am i a magnet for people trying to humiliate and shame me?

    how do i heal my shame so this stops happening.

    how do i

    i don’t need to know how.

    thank you for healing my shame. i feel shame to even say the word shame.


    i feel ashamed of my shame. such intense anger and hatred when someone hits my shame button.

    i feel sad pouty face.

    i feel more free already. wowzawow.


    ooooohweeeeee what kind of life i will lead with no shame. hahahah i feel deliroius just considering it.

    thank you. i am ready to heal my shame. my shame is healing healed healing healed. i am whole and

    what is the opposite of shame?

    accepting? unconditionally accepting of myself?

    i feel opening and healing.

  46.  #46alias girl on December 31, 2009 at 7:27 am

    thank you mary. i feel supported. i feel a little undeserving. i feel appreciative anyway.

  47.  #47mary on December 31, 2009 at 7:35 am

    just take out the resistance. sometimes i resist pain by stopping for a coke. by turning on my music. by going for a walk. by calling a friend and wallowing around in it. by writing about the experience! by writing letters i’d never send about what’s been done to me.

    you might just say, “okay. this doesn’t feel good. this is scary, or humiliating or an incredible breach of my personal alias girl boundary.”

    i’m thinking about this, and it seems like you’re doing what you need to be doing. anger wants to blame and shame. that’s natural! but it’s just a first step. another step could be staying with the anger and focusing back and becoming objective, still holding feeling the sensations, and start listing things, on paper or in your mind.

    hmmmmm… what am i angry about? my parents! people who are envious! people who are passive aggressive! people who are jealous! and what is scary for me? that my light might get put out by the darkness around. and why do i feel humiliated? because maybe i’m doing something to cause it? what could that be? i don’t know.

    then when you make your lists, you can just relive each one and notice yourself reliving it: people are jealous of me! i’m so mad! i’m so mad that my face is red! i’m so mad that my eyeballs are sticking out. i’m so mad that i want to say fuck.

    and i’m still just thinking here: you might keep the stuff that you’re saying about you! if you say how dare you, you’ve suddenly focused on them, and you’re back at step one. and they’re taking from you again. you’ve given your power to them again.

    keep your power by pushing on to resolve. to find resolve you have to have a high place to go. where you can see everything.

    okay, so… the fact is that i’m angry with soandso. i want to find a safe viewpoint from which to view him/her. i will stand on a high place in my mind and get the aerial view, and i will suddenly see him/her as a person like me! struggling in this world. trying to figure out what to do with the light alias girl is putting out. i’ll see that person as perplexed and not confidant enough, and insecure. and needing to put AG down in order to feel fine again. and i’ll feel a little twinge of compassion for that person.

    and then i’ll turn my head and look around and i’ll see other people, and i’ll suddenly be able to transfer that compassion to them.

    and i’ll work through my feelings by just feeling. not reacting. just feeling. just crying. and being angry! like you were last night! by saying exactly what you said. and feeling the hairs rise on my back when i’m scared. and feeling sick and nauseated when i’ve been ridiculed and i feel ashamed. and letting that feeling come and go like a wave coming in. just not resisting it.

    and that process will be less painful in the end that any amount of focusing on the others and trying not to feel. because experiencing our feelings is the most personal thing we can do with ourselves. it’s the most intimate way to be connected to who we are, what we want and it also is a way of self-adjusting without effort. it’s like the feelings themselves, when acknowledged, welcomed and felt, make the necessary changes in us… and all we have to do is go through the pain of the moment with them.

    one test is what happens when you’re on the hill. are you looking down at the devils below? or are you seeing yourself running around in other people’s shoes and seeing that they don’t know what they’re doing, and they don’t know where they’re going either? compassion for others is the test that your feelings are working for you.

    and i’m just rambling now.

    thank you.

  48.  #48alias girl on December 31, 2009 at 7:37 am

    wow i just wrote the most brilliant revelation about shame and unworthiness.

    and it got erased.

    anyway i feel very happy that these beliefs i hold are coming into the light and i have awareness

    so i can choose new beliefs.

    my unconscious beliefs have become conscious and now i have a choice

    i choose

    i am worthy
    i am deserving
    i am unconditionally loveable

    i believe this new perspective and belief system will making dating, friendships and business relationships much easier and enjoyable.

    thank you.

  49.  #49mary on December 31, 2009 at 7:47 am

    that’s beautiful.

    i’m copying it for myself so i can find it and read it over and over.

    thank you.

  50.  #50alias girl on December 31, 2009 at 7:52 am

    thank you mary. i feel understood and shown mercy and compassion.

    it is my own shame. unworthiness/undeserving.

    ridicule feels like shame to me. it feels like someone else’s shame triggering my shame.

    why else would someone ridicule someone else? i feel the base of that must be shame.

    but i loved what you said about bringing the focus back to me and my feelings. so i can get my power back. i felt like i had been sucked into someone else’s ugly vortex. by focussing on them i lose my power. by focussing on my feelings i get my power back and can get back into my own vortex where i have control over the vibe of it.

    i feel very excited to have my unconscious beliefs become conscious. i feel ver excited to live a life of fully and unconditionally loving myself.

  51.  #51mary on December 31, 2009 at 7:57 am

    going back to sleep now, AG. g’nite!

    i hope you can rest too!

  52.  #52Linda on December 31, 2009 at 8:02 am

    Sinking into feelings.

    It seems I have been working on me and concentrating on me for so long. Working on things that feel bad and challanging and need improving. I am tired of working. I wanna just be.

    Yesterday he sent me a random text… I have never gotten one like this from him it simply said “I love you”.. It felt good to get that. We went to dinner last night and I told him… “It felt good to get the text from you today”… he said it was on his heart to tell me. I smiled.

    Our evening and conversation was all over the place and flows easy. I have been on the reject list for so long that it is weird to relax and flow in “you are the one for me” status now. Inside I feel uneasy, reserved, wanting to make sure this is real. So if a man is in front of you he is real. I think he senses my uneasyness, he said I looked concerned at times during the evening.

    I feel good being with him. It feels good to be touched by him. I want to intiate but if feels leaning forwardish. I am a touchy feely person with those I really care about. He always extends his hand to me. I LOVE IT…. I find security and connectedness with that, I know I am fighting melting… but I feel reserved and holding backness… because of our history.

    I am going to see him tonight after work. Today I am going to melt I feel like melting.


  53.  #53alias girl on December 31, 2009 at 8:03 am

    ah ah ah ah ah ah ah lightbulbs are flashing for me

  54.  #54laughing goddess on December 31, 2009 at 8:03 am

    Sorry you’re feeling down AG. I wish everyone treated you like the goddess you are.

    Welcome back Tina! I was wondering where you were.

  55.  #55mary on December 31, 2009 at 8:04 am

    alias girl,

    you know that fun game at chuckycheese where you take a mallet and hit on those things that keep coming up? and you can’t ever do it fast enough? they keep coming and coming, faster and faster?

    well, those are like things from your unconscious. most people just get the mallet and hit them back down again.

    not you! not me! we’re allowing them to come up, assigning them value and giving them their voices. once they can speak their minds, they shrivel back down to nothingness! we don’t need mallets.

    we just need our listening hearts.

    and once we can do it with ourselves, we can immediately stand upon the high place and do it with others. not even feel the insults any more. just feel compassion.

    and then the little light on the inside becomes a glow on the outside, and people see it. they talk about it. you’ll see…

  56.  #56mary on December 31, 2009 at 8:06 am


    all is going well! i’m happy for you…

  57.  #57laughing goddess on December 31, 2009 at 8:06 am

    I feel inspired hearing how your relationship with Mr. S has changed Linda. I feel really inspired.

  58.  #58mary on December 31, 2009 at 8:07 am

    okay, g’nite you guys…

  59.  #59laughing goddess on December 31, 2009 at 8:09 am

    AG: I feel excited that you are working thru this and finding clarity.

  60.  #60alias girl on December 31, 2009 at 8:25 am

    thank you lg.

    thank you mary. i feel very supported and understood and held with compassion. and goodnight again. 🙂

    how much of this is my wanting to control people?

    so my unconscoius negative beliefs about myself
    my desire to control people
    my unmet desires

    all trigger my anger

    but now

    these beliefs have come to light and i am changing them to beliefs that feel more nurturing and gratifying

    i am putting the focus on me and live and let live for others

    and i am learning more and more how to get my desires and needs met



    that was alot

    i feel like i just did a whole week course in one night.

    ok. happy morning sirens.

  61.  #61Linda on December 31, 2009 at 8:37 am

    Yes… now I need to use the tools as much as ever. Somebody pinch me.


  62.  #62Simply Shannon on December 31, 2009 at 9:32 am

    AG: Damn girl, I love you. I love your anger and your fear and your wonderful sensitive self. It feels so amusing to me how much I hear my own feelings and thoughts in your posts. I love it. I feel connected. I don’t even have to write any of my own words and here they just appear through you. Thank you.

    Random thoughts I’ve been having when I get full-on triggered…
    1. What inside of me is allowing ME to believe whatever it is that someone else is saying/doing?
    2. What happens if I just stop believing anyone else but me?
    3. What would happen if I just said “No. That feels bad. What are your reasons for saying / doing XYZ?”
    4. What would happen if I stopped playing this small defenseless quiet girl act and “girl’d” (aka manned up)?

    So here are the steps I’m planning for my next anger trigger.
    1. Feel the anger.
    2. Notice it so that I can stop myself for just one second. (So I don’t explode or run or shut down.)
    3. Do a Rori tool (feeling stuff helps me here) to ground myself and pull me back out of my head. So anger = TRIGGER to this spoon feels cold or this cloth feels soft.
    4. Take a second to breath and pay attention to this trigger.
    5. Remember that I am a glorious shining person and any attacks coming towards me are probably not about me but really some deficiency in the other person (aka I’m their mirror).
    6. Be able to speak back to that person in a calm rational tone.
    7. State “That didn’t feel good to me. What are your reasons for saying / doing that?” Tilt my head and look confused / curious / annoyed.

    When you questioned Rori above about how this post seems like a distraction tool, I felt such resonance with that. And writing my post back to you, I think I may be figuring this one out. Maybe it’s not a distraction. Maybe the tools are used to ground us so that we’re not freaking out in our head (trigger) and can pay attention to the feelings in our body. It’s like a trigger happens and I shoot up to an 8 or a 9 on the anger / fear / scared scale. By doing a tool, say feeling a rock’s cold hardness, it brings me back down the scale because I’m not focusing on my trigger. I’m focusing on the fact that my heart is racing a million miles a minute, my face feels flushed, my hands feel tingly and achy, this rock feels cold. Does that make sense?

    Tina: What happened to change your mind about Truck Man!?!

    Mary: I love that game at Chucky Cheese! Great image!!! I feel flowy reading your words, just bobbing around, listening and watching. I love it!

  63.  #63Simply Shannon on December 31, 2009 at 9:40 am

    My warrior woman Sha-nay-nay is standing with me at our throwns high on the hill. We’re surrounded by a sea of men protecting us. When anger arrows are shot towards us, a million men scramble to throw themselves in front of the arrows. We still feel fear when an arrow is shot but we know no arrow can touch us.

    After a volley of arrows is shot, we calmly state to the perpetrator(s), “I feel bad but I didn’t quite understand the message you were trying to send me via arrow. Maybe that message was meant for someone else. Would you like me to hold up this mirror for you?”

    🙂 Hehe! 🙂

    The words here feel so easy for me. I believe in myself here but in the real world, when anger comes at me, I feel small and defenseless. I want Sha-nay-nay to be real damnit!

  64.  #64Simply Shannon on December 31, 2009 at 9:41 am

    Dear goodness… thrones, not throwns. Wowser. That’s embarrassing.

  65.  #65Daria on December 31, 2009 at 10:39 am

    omgosh…. ive been dealing with this passive agressive thing all laast nite too! and im still thinking about soon as i woke up!

    so my girl gets drunk,

    and then she keeps asking every 10 minutes, if i can take her home. and throwing hissy fits. but we have another like 4 hours to go of hanging out.

    and she keeps saying
    Daria, Daria

    and i explain to her, but its like im unheard

    and she wants to go home because her boy/neighbor’s gf broke up with him, and she wants to confort him

    im like wtf

    im not your taxi

    im here hanging out wiht my friends,

    so u can get a ride
    or wait till im ready to go home and i will drop you off

    but no its daria, do you need some water to sober up? can we go home ?

    no girl. i dont need water im sober. Youre drunk.

    i just Dont WANT to go home.

    over and over.

    till i felt like i should slap her

    i bet my Godsister would have slapped her.

    and then there was the doesnt daria look good!! in public in the middle of the convo, but i felt uncomfortable. like why point that out in front of my guy friends, i jsut feel awkward.

    it felt uncomfortable at that time, like i was underhandedly being mocked for dressing up.


    i feel mad

    and she does this behavior of not hearing and stuff when shes drunk which is often

    and i have another girl who does that


    and i just wind up yelling and feeling like an irritated pimp

    and it doesnt feel good.

    i feel isolated, and awkward, and masculine, and unattractive, and furious, and incapable, and kinda powerless

    and also better than and powerful

    i felt really mad

    and telling me directions to her house. where i just picked her up at. over and over.

    wow i felt exhasperated.

    its so passive agressive….

    do you want me to get you some water?

    no bitch

    shut the fuck up and sit down

    i actually was talking to her like that. maybe just a lil calmer.

    and still it continued.

    i had to tell my guy friend to watch her, cuz im not taking her to the store with me

    i feel so furious being asked if i want water when whats really meant is i want to go home and i want you to take me now, regardless of what you want to do or what we planned

    hella fake!

    this is why i hate bitches and ima pimp!

    but i dont want to feel that way it doesnt feel good!

    i feel overwhelmed

    i love my overwhelmed feelings

  66.  #66Simply Shannon on December 31, 2009 at 11:12 am

    I would feel frustrated by that too. I might say “I’m feeling frustrated by this conversation. I hear you saying you want to go home but I don’t feel ready to leave yet. Is there something else we could do? What do you think?” Maybe that would encourage her to come up with another idea (her grabbing a cab or some other solution).

    I dunno. That feels frustrating. This is one of the reasons why I almost always take my own car when I’m out with friends.

  67.  #67Lola on December 31, 2009 at 11:35 am

    laughing goddess
    I enjoyed talking to you the other night : )

    Getting ready to have friends round for drinks but man not coming now (because of my son) so feels weird as other people are in couples.

    We got into argument (which I haven’t had with him for ages due to me using the tools). But my anger got the better of me. It feels so unfair and other issues came up – like the fact that he lied to me about being married twice not once as he always said. It all felt ugly and wrong. He said it felt scary.
    It feels really bleak and hopeless and disappointing as we had been really happy recently.
    I’ve been leaning too far forward and he’s been leaning back and very feminine.
    He ‘s coming round tomorrow later in the afternoon but I feel we might have trouble talking – it’s really a matter of me getting a grip and using the tools again….and I feel like I really want to hurt him because I feel so hurt.

  68.  #68Rachel on December 31, 2009 at 11:46 am

    Thank you Mary and Rori… I am feeling better this morning. I know what feels good to me and I choose to believe that I’ll have the strength to stay true to my own inner “GPS” that tells me when I’m on track. Guy A has a way with my heart that Guy B doesn’t yet. It could just be a sheer amount of time and energy that I’ve invested with him.

    At any rate, I woke up to an email from him AND a brief chat. I’m trying not to get too excited. I remember Rori saying somewhere that what I do when he starts coming back is very important. I hope I can do it right!

    And Guy B…. is really making me feel secure and loved. So… wow! I’m starting to feel like the Bachelorette… choices!

    Have a great day… Happy New Year everyone. May 2010 be a great year of discovery and growth for all of us!

  69.  #69Lola on December 31, 2009 at 11:57 am

    That is sooo exciting!
    I guess it feels scary at first to have more than one man interested!!!
    It sounds like a great scenario and will ensure you don’t invest too heavily to early in either of them

  70.  #70Simply Shannon on December 31, 2009 at 12:01 pm

    I’m trying out Rori’s tool “The Future Letter”. I’m putting it here to record what a fabulous year I’m about to have…

    Date: January 2011

    Dear God,

    Thank you for the incredible year I’ve just had. It felt so good to quit smoking and be healthier. I really appreciate all of the things that my body can do now that I feed it better and cook more meals at home. Seeing M and J’s faces (my kids) light up when I took each of them on a date (just the two of us) every month felt incredible. I love my bubbas. Thank you for keeping them and me safe, happy, and healthy this past year.

    Thank you so much for the people in my life. My friends and family mean so much to me. Being able to spend quality time with them, cultivating our relationships feels invigorating. I love feeling curious and intrigued by people, especially ones that I think I know so much about. It feels great to be surprised by how much I continue to learn about them.

    Being financially stable this year has felt incredible. Earning $4,000 a month plus child support has allowed me to create a decent savings, emergency funds, and a rainy day account! I no longer feel fear every time I receive a bill (expected or unexpected). The boys and I have had so much fun going on adventures with our rainy day money. It feels great to be able to experience new things.

    And thank you for the man in my life. He makes me feel wonderful and loved and special and cared for. He is my best friend. He holds me close when I need it but gives me space (not too much – lol) when I need that too. And the sex… wow… it feels amazing. I’ve never felt so wanted and cherished in all of my life. I felt surprised when he asked me to marry him. I can’t wait until we get married this year.

    Last but most important, I feel so relieved to know I have been saved by your son Jesus Christ. Learning about you, joining the church, and being baptized has me feeling incredibly blessed. I feel so excited for M and J to grow up in church knowing You. I finally see myself through Your eyes. I feel perfect in my imperfections. I feel unique and accepted just as I am. I feel immense gratitude for all of the blessings in my life.

    Thank you. Sincerely, Shannon

  71.  #71laughing goddess on December 31, 2009 at 12:19 pm

    Lola: I understand that feeling of wanting to hurt someone whom you felt hurt you. That’s the way I felt with Erika yesterday. And until I realized what I was doing we just kept going round and round. But once I realized what I was doing and was able to communicate my true feelings, we were able to come to a understanding that felt good for both of us. I truly hope that you can come to a place with your guy. It sounds like you aren’t ready to break things off with him completely. It would feel good to me to give it another chance but also circular date so that I had options. Only you know what feels right for you. I wish so much love for you, me, and all of the lovely goddesses in this new year!

  72.  #72Lisa on December 31, 2009 at 12:32 pm


    If you are still here (I saw your final posts on “Picking Up the Slack):

    I wanted to tell you how helpful I found your comments, and how much I resonated with them. A few weeks ago, I needed this community, and have spent some time here. I understand what you mean about going back into life, but I count it serendipitous that you were here at the time I was. Thanks for strengthening me.

    Also, thanks to all the rest of you for sharing your path.

  73.  #73Rachel on December 31, 2009 at 12:40 pm

    Rori… I’ve been thinking more about what you wrote about “taking back my heart.” I think there were definitely some addictive qualities to the first round with Guy A. When things fell apart, I knew that the level of pain I experienced indicated that something was not right. I think that’s why I’m feeling afraid as he comes back around. I have made a lot of inner progress in the past few months and I don’t want to get sucked back into unhealthy dependency on his attention.

    A few weeks ago, I actually spoke out loud one night and said that I took my heart back. I realized that having someone’s heart is a privilege not a right. And he had not earned that privilege… or better said, he had lost that privilege.

    So yes! I feel that my heart is with me. It is my job to keep is safe and nurture it. I’m slowly learning…

    It is hard with him being in the military. He’s at sea and so we can only talk by phone when he’s in port. The rest of the time is emails and chat. Not the greatest. Guy B is HERE which makes it easier and he’s been doing a great job of earning the privilege of my heart. But so far I’m keeping it right here with me!

    Thank you so much for all of your help through your writings. And the support I feel here on the blog – even on the days when I just read. Thank you all!

  74.  #74gina on December 31, 2009 at 12:58 pm

    In another “fight” with my roommate. I feel a disgust and a lack of respect for her. And she resents it and feels disrespected and Im like, yeah, I don’t respect you. and I sorta respect that she is standing up for herself. but I still think mean thoughts about how foolish she is. I’m not sure why I’m so triggered when I’m around her. Is it just our chemistry, or would I wind up feeling this way about any human in close proximity? I don’t feel this way about my family. But my family are the only people that I have been close to without losing all respect.
    The latest tiff is cause she got into a car accident on xmas eve. another car was slippin on ice, jack knifed, and she slipped into them. the car was full of illegal immigrants. so rather than wait for the police, they agreed that they would give her 500$ for the damage to her car. It turns out that the damage will cost considerably less and that her friend works with one of the guys who she hit. From the start, she was bragging about how she’d be spending the leftover money on a purse. I thought it was shady, but didn’t say anything. But then the other night, she made some joke about how if I need extra money, that I should hit an illegal alien. I started mouthing off about how shady that is. She got really defensive and said that I was being mean cause she feels guilty. And I just feel so annoyed that her mentality is such that she thinks i should care about her guilt when she isn’t willing to do what even she thinks is the right thing to do. ugh. I’m sure there is a nicer way to discuss this with her…but I’m not her therapist, coach, mom, and I don’t value the friendship much. But I don’t want her to move out. so i guess I gotta be nice enough for her to stick around. I’m not sure why this upset her so much – she didn’t sleep here for the last couple of nights. today she got home and I said hi, and she seemed upset. I asked what’s wrong, and she said “well we got into a fight the other day….you disrespected me.” and I was like “yes, I expressed a lack of respect.”
    I can see that I’m being a self righteous jerk. I don’t like her very much. I never have. I feel a little guilty about that.

  75.  #75Lola on December 31, 2009 at 1:05 pm

    laughing goddess

    Thank you for your reassuring words.
    Part of me isn’t ready to let him go yet, but I feel ashamed because he lies and manipulates things.

    I feel glad I brought the lying thing with him out in the open he was very shocked – speechless. had tried to bring it up before but lost my courage.

    I will probably continue to see him but try circular dating. It may be hard time wise as I don’t have much child care. But I have a feeling that things are going to be different in 2010. This year has been kinda hard, but I’m thankful for all the things I’ve learned.

    Happy New Year to you, and all the lovely Goddesses here!

  76.  #76gina on December 31, 2009 at 1:13 pm

    I feel curious about Rori’s take on Lola’s man lying. When I feel manipulated and lied to I just want to stab the guy in the guts and walk away. I’ve resisted the stabbing part lately, but I have been walking away. Is there any use in sticking around and using feeling messages on a liar? my brain just resists. Like okay, feelings don’t matter anymore, cause my feelings are irrational, and my brain knows better than to deal with a person who lies. but my brain also knows that I lie sometimes. I can’t think of a lie that I ever told in order to convince somebody to be with me when I didn’t think that they’d like the truth. That sounds like a miserable way to be, and I feel sorta sorry for the liar. And disgusted. sucks.

  77.  #77gina on December 31, 2009 at 1:25 pm

    Lola, did you confront him about the marriage lie because you worry that he lied about your son disrespecting him?

  78.  #78Lola on December 31, 2009 at 1:27 pm

    The only time I remember telling a lie about myself was when I was much younger and I was dating this man I thought was amazing and, when I told him I grew up in the country he said ‘Oh your parents probably have a big old rambling house’ and I heard myself saying ‘yes’ (but it was a small modern one) and thinking I will never be able to take this guy to meet my parents.

    This man’s days are numbered but I know I should walk away right now. I just can’t. It feels yuk and and I feel wretched!

  79.  #79gina on December 31, 2009 at 1:29 pm

    Oooh. Maybe resistance to that which I dislike creates more of that which I dislike!!!

  80.  #80gina on December 31, 2009 at 1:34 pm

    hmmm….I can’t think of a lie. But one time, I lived at this big beautiful house in chicago that had a hammock in the backyard and a garden. In the summer, the landlord grew the most delicious warm yummy tomatoes. One day, while laying on the hammock, I picked some tomatoes, and while I was picking, I heard the landlords relatives show up to work in the garden. I knew that it was okay for us to pick tomatoes sometimes, but I had picked like 7 or more, and I felt ashamed. So I dumped the whole pile in a bush before they could see me. And then I saw them discover the pile and I was so embarrassed. I confessed it to the landlord and she was good hearted about it. But I’m just saying, that there have been times, when i felt bad about what I was doing, and tried to cover it up – definitely wound up looking much worse for it, too.

  81.  #81Lola on December 31, 2009 at 1:36 pm

    Sorry our posts crossed!
    Well yes, It was to open the discussion on honesty.

    I know my son didn’t ignore him. My man may have not heard my son say hello to him.

    Guests arrived, be back later!

  82.  #82mary on December 31, 2009 at 1:48 pm

    wow, Simply Shannon. I loved reading your future letter! I’m gonna write one, too.

  83.  #83Simply Shannon on December 31, 2009 at 2:52 pm

    Gina: I’m beginning to notice that when I feel intensely towards someone (aka a trigger), it’s usually because I see aspects of myself within them. I feel disgust for certain people as well but I also know I don’t want to feel judged when I make a mistake or do/ say something stupid. I want compassion and empathy and understanding. Maybe the intensity of the anger comes from feeling judged by her and you’re reflecting it back? Maybe it’s something not healed between the two of you?

    Lately I’m trying to look at the people who trigger me as just a boy or just a girl (sort of like seeing them for the first time as someone who is struggling along just like me). When I’m able to step back (and right now it’s not that often 🙂 ), I start to feel a little compassion and not so angry. It’s kind of like saying “that’s just Mary being Mary”, the unique Mary who I really don’t know. It helps put a hole in the balloon of my anger. I can still feel anger but it’s not this HUGE thing… which makes me want to lash out and hurt someone.

    And just a random thought outloud because I might be thinking this… Do you feel jealous that she has this extra money for a handbag? Even if the rational part of you thinks it’s immoral for her to keep the money? I know I might be thinking that. Like hey, it feels unfair that she has this money for doing nothing. I want a new handbag, dang it. Again, just random thoughts.

    Happy New Year’s beautiful Sirens! I’m headed out for a fabulous evening and the start of a new year! Shannon

  84.  #84Simply Shannon on December 31, 2009 at 2:54 pm

    Oops – Mary – I didn’t mean I was talking about you in my post. I just picked a name and Mary was it. I guess I had just read your name in your post to me about the letter. I feel glad you liked it. I would love to read it if you feel comfortable sharing it!

    Okay, now I’m outtie. See ya’ll next year! Yes, I’m that cheesy girl. 🙂 Shannon

  85.  #85laughing goddess on December 31, 2009 at 4:15 pm

    Ya, with the lying thing I guess I come from the perspective of giving people the benefit of the doubt if I know that generally I feel good around them. If I know that 90% of the time they are treating me well and things between us feel good and honest, then I feel accepting of mistakes. We all eff up sometimes and there are misunderstandings and our understanding of things change as we get more facts. I know I have lied, cheated, and stealed? At some points in my life. And I learned and I grew and I am evolving. As long as nobody was seriously harmed and it’s clear the person’s not a total psychopath, I try to not be self righteous and be the decider of who is right or wrong. Of course I’m going to protect myself from dangerous people, but I believe most people are generally good and we all struggle sometimes.

  86.  #86laughing goddess on December 31, 2009 at 4:20 pm

    Plus, when I dwell on my judgements of other people I end of feeling sick inside. It’s like the negative energy is eating away my body. I don’t feel like it’s my job to worry about who is right or wrong because I feel trusting that God, or the universe, or karma, or whatever is dealing with that aspect of things. It’s not my job to worry about that. It’s my job to relax, love, have fun, and glow with feminine energy. That’s easy enough.

  87.  #87Tina on December 31, 2009 at 4:21 pm

    Hey, I dont know what I’m doing for New Year’s Eve but I’m going to do it. I have ideas about it but nothing really planned, I think “we” are just going to wing it. He is trying to rope me in to an “exclusive” relationshp hehe. I feel resistance, my feelings of resistence usually show up around this time (sex) grrrrrrr.

  88.  #88alias girl on December 31, 2009 at 4:59 pm

    thank you simply shannon. i feel such a warm and lovely vibe from you over the time you have been here. you were warm and lovely before but now i feel it even more.

    rachel i love that image of being the bachelorette with choices.

    oooh new year, sirens. i feel enthusiastic. and also reserved. i feel appreciative of siren island.

  89.  #89Lola on December 31, 2009 at 5:30 pm

    Well it’s 2010 here in UK!

    I spent the evening with close friends and our children – very nice – but felt sad here and there to not be with my man…

    Simply Shannon – I loved your letter too – it’s inspired me to write one myself.

    laughing goddess – I sort of feel the same way. I feel also it depends on the intention behind the lie. I was less concerned about the marriage lie. Although at the time I discussed it here and it seemed like tackling it was a good chance to lay down boundaries for the future on honesty and, as far as I knew it was the only one he had told and was to maybe avoid looking like he had made mistakes.

    But the thing with my son, hmmm I don’t know, could have been a misunderstanding…

    But it all feels a bit sensitive! I don’t want life to feel so egg shelly

    The fireworks were great in London. I feel quite positive about a new year.

  90.  #90gina on December 31, 2009 at 5:52 pm

    SS thanks for your thoughts. Nope, unfortunately, I don’t respect her enough to care about her judgment, and I don’t sense it coming from her at all. I actually wish that I did sense it so that i would feel like we are friends, and so that I wouldnt feel so needed. I feel like she depends on me to provide her with an identity and validation for her thoughts and feelings. And, yes, I do hate this sort of weakness in myself, and I sensed that my mom rejects this sort of behavior, so perhaps thats why I hate it so much. I can often raise my consciousness to some compassionate mode, but we always return to conflict eventually. And the negative feelings I have are at least as powerful as the appreciation that I feel for her during the good times.

  91.  #91gina on December 31, 2009 at 5:53 pm

    The guy that I’m liking just came over to help me construct a perfect email to a important person. it was great…until the end. he went in for the second hug goodbye. I shoulda kissed him on the cheek – he totally deserved it and I didn’t and it was awkward!!!!

  92.  #92Jennifer on December 31, 2009 at 6:00 pm

    My future letter.
    Dec 31, 2010
    Dear Rori.
    This has been the most amazing year of my life and I just have to tell you about it.
    That work shortage I was experiencing in 2009? Wow, that cleared up really well. I got a fantastic offer and now I work full time. I never have to worry about having enough hours to cover my bills. It’s so great to have a job where my expertise is respected.
    As for the “love life” that has been the best improvement of all. I feel so loved in this relationship, I never expected to be able to spend every day feeling so secure and loved. I can trust him completely. I never have to doubt his intentions or what he’s doing behind my back.
    Who would have thought that such a warm, funny, trustworthy fantastically handsome man was just around the corner?
    We love to travel together and are planning another trip for the spring.
    I am also so glad that the hurt I felt in 2009 evaporated so quickly and completely. I needed to go through it but I’m glad it’s over now.
    2010 has been such a revelation. So many wonderful moments with my family and friends. Meeting my man and the amazing connection we have.
    Thank you for all of the wonderful helpful advice on you blog.

  93.  #93Chaudemaman on December 31, 2009 at 7:57 pm

    God, I hate New Yrs Eve…
    May I and all Sirens have a very Rori Raye year in 2010!

  94.  #94laughing goddess on December 31, 2009 at 9:48 pm

    Well today started out very intense and horrible. I dunno what’s going on astrologically but everything felt so intense! But, thank goodness, a few really sweet things happened and now I feel so much better. A girlfriend called, actually it was the girl that J was at the movies with the other night, and invited me over. She’s having an impromptu party. My plans fell thru and I was going to spend the evening journally and setting intentions. But it felt really good to be invited. I’m going to go over there soon.

    Then Mr Tender called and asked to spend some time together. I felt elated to hear from him. I feel so amazing kissing him. It feels like divine connection being with him. When we are kissing I feel so seen, and connected to everything in the universe. I my thoughts go away and I can be present. It’s hard to put words to but it feels so divine.

    I talked with my dad on the phone too and that felt good. He wants to send me money for Christmas and I feel relieved because I could really use it right now.

    I was feeling awful this morning and now I feel sweet. I prayed to god to please give me something to feel hopeful about. I just really needed a sign that I wasn’t alone and I was supported. And I feel good. I feel satisfied.

    I’ve been messing around with rori’s new year letter idea and something similar but different from another great teacher I follow. Looking forward to delving into this more.

    Much love to all goddesses and happy new year.

  95.  #95laughing goddess on December 31, 2009 at 9:54 pm

    P.S. Not feeling so excited about J right now. I spoke with him for a bit. He said I sounded pissy. I said I feel pissy. He asked if I was feeling neglected. I said not really neglected but disappointed and frustrated. Then our conversation got interrupted. I feel annoyed with him but I also appreciate that he’s sensitive enough to guess that I would feel neglected. It feels good to give it space and relish my time with mr. tender and maybe he will start stepping up. Either way I am committed to feeling good.

  96.  #96gina on January 1, 2010 at 12:52 am

    boo. got off of work at 1:30 am, and felt like taking A (the new guy I’m liking) up on his offer to hang out, but i was hoping to hear from him about it again. but I knew that things feel a little weird since we had that strange goodbye. I feel like I dropped the ball. when we said goodbye, I could woulda shoulda kissed him on the cheek or did SOMETHING to make that awkward goodbye better. I left him hangin. So it was clear that he wanted something romantic from me, and I had a big smile, like “tee hee hee, ha ha ha…I know that you want something, but I’m not helping…” and if I was vulnerable, I would’ve kissed his cheek when he put it near my face during his second go around for a hug. Why didn’t I? cause…I don’t feel 100% excited about gettin close to him because his teeth are grey from smoking, and he has super duper dark circles around his eyes. He looks like a skeleton cause the area around his eyes are so gray and dark. But I’m having fun. I feel a little relieved that I haven’t crossed the lines into romance with this guy who I’m not feeling 100% attracted to physically, even though i am enjoying him, and yet I feel like a failure for missing the opportunity.

  97.  #97laughing goddess on January 1, 2010 at 3:10 am

    Wow Jennifer! I love your letter. I feel so inspired to write my own. Thank you.

    Gina, I feel bummed cuz I hear you beating yourself up a bit. I feel doubtful that he’s second guessing that hug moment the way you are. Its been my experience that guys don’t tend to do that the way we women do. They just shrug, fart, and walk off. (stereotyping, but you know what I mean) 🙂
    I feel doubtful that it’s as big of a deal as you think. I just say this because I have been catching myself getting all caught up in these stories in my head, and I put so much energy in all of the details, and eventually I realize that a made a way bigger deal if something than it was. And I think about all of the ways I could have spent that energy nurturing and doing things for myself or chatting it up with a cutie. I feel happy that you didn’t kiss him because it sound like you weren’t really feeling it. I doubt that he would give up on you over something so small and if he did, who would want to be with a guy like that anyway. A woman would have to constantly worry about every move she made with a guy like that. Sounds terrible.

    I find that when I feel bummed over a missed opportunity I realize it happened because I wasn’t being present. Does any of that resonate?

  98.  #98laughing goddess on January 1, 2010 at 3:14 am

    Sorry ladies for all the typos. Typing on my little teeny phone keyboard. Not so easy and takes a long time. Frustrated!

  99.  #99laughing goddess on January 1, 2010 at 3:26 am

    Had a huge realization tonight that I connect with J by DOING things. That’s how I connect with him and I just realized how masculine that is. We are always doing stuff, like fixing things. Ugh! No wonder he sees me as a friend. I am totally being masculine with him. I’m being his buddy.

    Tonight at this party, he was trying to get this tv set up and I went over and helped him. And I had these images in my head of all the times we Have been in similar situations. We work so well together that we ended up pretty much working the entire summer with him.

    But!!!!! I don’t want that kind of relationship with him. I want to be his lover! Not his work partner.

    I did not realize how masculine I was being. In other ways I am very feminine energy. This huge glaring one I just completely missed. And I am good at fixing stuff. But that’s not what makes a man feel emotionally connected.

    I feel so glad to realize this pattern.

  100.  #100Daria on January 1, 2010 at 4:21 am

    I had a great nite! woo hoo! i can change the way i perceive things now. woo hoo!

    im working on changing this energy i have with this one guy i had a HUGE crush on in the past. and first he super pursued me and wanted to take me out to a super fancy restaurant and i wasnt used to it and felt awkward, but then he suddently dropped off.. i was SOO feeling this guy still am i mean hes just perfect so handsome and actually makes impressive money and his style is so cool and we have stuff in common

    i feel this urge to show off in front of him (trigger thingy) and also I feel like for sure he wont liek me after how he last acted and hes not calling me

    but im practicing choosing that if im thinking about him that means hes actually thinkinga bout ME thats why its coming up in my conscious


    anyway im shifting a lot and learning about myself

    he is quite a pussyful

    ok had to say it i want it recorded


    i had a great nite

    im feeling squeezed all over thinking about this stuff but im so much calmer being squeezed… and ihave compassion for myself


    definitely new normal, better than im usually used to feeling for sure


    the 100 men exercise ! in the club!

    and the one where your man is only paying attention to you, and then you add women, and add more men…

    wow it feels like my divine man is eyes locked with me, it feels so safe, it feels like he’s always wathcing me, with appreiciation like my divine man

    so even right now hes watching me, being with me supporting me, and feeling attracted and protective of me

  101.  #101Daria on January 1, 2010 at 4:23 am

    omgosh it feels amazing to imagine divine man watching me WHILE i feel my feelings aroudn crush guy!

    its like what happens with crush guy is so sidelike, rather than unmanageable

    like divine guy is watching me feel turned on and attracted to crush guy, but im not dependent on crush guy for my male attention, so its like, well it sucked with crush guy, but that doesnt make me any less, cuz divine guy is wathcing me

    its like everything can happen, divine guy (and me) are still loving and feeling attracted to and suppportive of me

  102.  #102Daria on January 1, 2010 at 4:32 am

    L:G thats cool to notice about the fixing!!!

    im working on tapping all the blocks between me and crush guy getting together!

    mostly stuff about how a guy wont go back to me after treating me like ignoring me

    about hwo i must not be good enuf in some way or done something to turn him off

    about it just not being possible

    etc etc

    i love tapping

    i tapped today on having an awesome nite and guess what

    man it was amazing… i just kept noticing so much stuff about myself and was able to feel my body and use the feelings to figure out “what it was about” and to reassure that part of myself that was feeling upset

    and i used the man starting at me, no matter what women are doing, and the being center of target while ALL men in the room are sending energetic arrows at me whether it seems they are or not

    When i shifted to this my behavior was so different! like i instantly started dancing, moving fluidly and my posture opened up!!

    then something might happen, like i might feel threatedn or angry by somebody bumping me (yes i felt angry, but for the first time im actually noticing what that feeling in my body IS – anger) i would get thrown off… and then id do the tool again…

    i felt like i was basically sending out magnetic sucking in waves of attraction, kinda how guywithababy does, told you id get it! ehhe

    i felt good

    even with my girlfriend that gets attention, i still was focused on me and being the center of my target, what was going on with her was not relevant to my target, what a revelation it was great

    everyday is filled with breakthroughs nowadays im moving with exponential speed!!!
    im loving it!!

  103.  #103Daria on January 1, 2010 at 4:34 am

    ps – Shannon the grey face tool worked really well!! it really helped me center in the club and focus on me , and the vibes i felt (so thats what vibes are, the way i FELL around someone) rather than what the other people are thinking

    it super cut down my social anxiety of the club thing!!

    and i did really well too in that sometimes i get away imaginng people are gonna attakc me, and this time i opened up and allowed myself to feel the fear in my body and i acknowledged it and still loved myself and just said i feel uncomfortable, nervous, etccccccccc


    it was great

  104.  #104Daria on January 1, 2010 at 4:37 am

    All my wishes are coming true!

    Im magic! and a Goddess! and the world is beautiful! and there are forces supporting me!

    I get what i want!

    i can do eft and change stuff liek magic!

    i can heal

    i can psychic

    i can write and create stories and images

    and everything rocks!

  105.  #105Daria on January 1, 2010 at 4:37 am

    im having more love in my family!

  106.  #106Daria on January 1, 2010 at 4:39 am

    Im in my body! im loving myself in public!

    im feeling like a woman in my family! im feeling straight up chin raised Goddess in public… i feel strong

    i feel fascinated by my body

    by my mind

    i feel touched by my spirit

    i feel awed by my beauty

    i feel grateful! and full! and that word between smug and proud and full of life – mandra 0 beaming

  107.  #107Lola on January 1, 2010 at 6:25 am

    That feels like a positive start to 2010!!!!

    Your room mate spending the left over money and gloating would have felt very wrong to me too.

    laughing goddess
    astrologically mercury is retrograde (mis-communication, stodginess, misunderstandings) plus that blue moon and an eclipse!!!!

    I feel OK today! My man coming to collect some of his things.
    I feel uncompromising!
    I realised that he is prepared to not see my daughter, who is very fond of him because of my son!!! I now feel outraged on her behalf!!!

    He is giving up 2 good things in his life just because he can’t deal once in a while with something challenging.
    She is so beautiful and affectionate – as am I !!!!!!!
    Then I looked at how he doesn’t see his own daughter anymore nor the grandson that his daughter gave up and I realise I am probably flogging a dead horse.
    This is a man who puts aside anything that seems too hard.
    It ‘s not that he won’t he can’t.
    I feel blamed for all that has gone wrong – everything has been my fault or my son’s fault – apparently.

    I have to tidy up now and get his things together.

    I’ve realised I don’t feel OK today I felt numb – now grief.
    Perhaps I should sink into this now. Should I share my feelings with him or send him on his way? He gets so angry and defensive anyway…

  108.  #108Lola on January 1, 2010 at 6:36 am


    I loved your letter too : )

    I’ve done one as well! – after my guests left last night- it felt like such a positive thing to be doing. It made me feel strong in the light of all the disappointment and uncertainty.

    I might post it later….

  109.  #109Jennifer on January 1, 2010 at 8:47 am

    right around 11:45 I got an urge to email B. Leaning forward? maybe but I felt I had things to say.
    Here it is. Mostly feeling messages, some not..

    “I feel heart broken to think that you feel I was with you for six years for financial reasons.
    I don’t want to be in a relationship where I feel I have to curb the things I want to keep from being seen as money hungry.
    I feel it’s natrual to want a ring and a house and a wedding. These things represent commitment to me.
    I feel angry and hurt deeply.
    I feel disrespected.
    I don’t want to feel this way.
    I feel there is nothing I can do to convince you that I am not that person. I don’t want to try.
    I am still here.
    If you feel different.
    But not if you don’t

    At midnight I fully expected to begin weeping and feeling empty. I actually felt peacefull.
    I found out that he had gone back to the base early due to conditions at his parent’s house. So I was obsessed for a few minutes with the idea that he might be out having sex with random women he met on the net.
    But I sank into that and soon it faded.
    Now I just feel content, but annoyed I’m working today.
    Ahhh well. Work = pay so that’s a good thing.

  110.  #110laughing goddess on January 1, 2010 at 9:18 am

    Daria: It felt so good to read about your night. I felt very resonate with what you said. I do similar exercises within myself like imagining that when he pops into my consciousness it’s cuz he’s thinking of me. I also feel the presence of my divine man. If I have any blocks or resistance come up when I think of a particular man, I will imagine my divine man having the qualities or vibe of the man I am thinking of. It sort of melts away the resistance or story I have about the real man and I can bask in the parts of him I don’t have resistance to. I feel worried that I didn’t explain that clearly but I’m just going to trust you understand. I feel so happy that you are feeling good and having breakthru after breakthru. I feel very similar and it feels good. Thanks for your support about my figuring out the doing thing with J. It feels really good to have awareness of a pattern that’s blocking me from receiving what I want from him. When I am around him I can so feel that he is drawn to me and attracted to me even tho’ he plays it very cool and doesn’t express his attraction overtly, I can so feel it and see it in his actions. He told me he has a Christmas present for me. I can’t wait to get it. I love presents!

    Lola: I can imagine it would be frustrating that he doesn’t want to see your daughter. I feel understanding of having problems with a teenager but it’s hard to imagine someone having issue with a sweet little girl. Maybe it’s not that he doesn’t want to see her. Maybe he just wants to see you alone because he knows you have things to talk about. I feel so worried about jumping to conclusions because so often I realize I was wrong about what I initially thought. It does feel good to trust my feelings. You said your not sure if you should express feeling messages cuz you think he will get mad. I remember Rori saying something about how him expressing anger can a good and necessary part of working through things. I can’t remember which program it’s in or exactly what she says. Does anyone else remember? I look forward to reading your new years letter.

  111.  #111laughing goddess on January 1, 2010 at 9:26 am

    Mr. Tender texted me again last night. This time at 4 am with a sweet new years wish. I felt surprised that he would text in the middle of the night. But then it felt good because I imagined him settling in after having fun with friends and it felt good to know he was thinking of me and not with someone else. My immediate reaction to his message and seeing that he had written was Yummy! That comes to mind a lot when I think of him. Yum yum yum yum yummy! I’m so excited to see him again.

    I love circular dating! I love that I have more than one guy to think about now. It feels so good to have options and not feel so easily affected by the behavior of one man. I was resistant for so long but now I am a believer. I have also seen how much better I am getting at using feeling messages in my everyday life. They felt so hard at first and now they are a regular and natural part of my communication. I feel more grounded and feminine when I speak that way. It feels good to see growth and improvement.

  112.  #112laughing goddess on January 1, 2010 at 10:29 am

    My relationship with my father is greatly improving. That feels so good. It feels like healing of my relationship with masculine energy in general. He has been super supportive of me financially lately. He offered to help me pay for my new car and he is sending me Christmas money and earlier this year he gave me money to invest in this project I am working on. This is new. I have always been so independent. The only kid who lives far away from home. Always on my own having adventures.

    I think things shifted for him when he saw how unselfishly I helped my sister when she was on life support. She was in the hospital for four months and because I work for myself I was able to take all that time off and stay with her in the hospital. I think that was a big relief for him and the rest of my family. They all had to work but it felt good to know I was present with her and able to protect her and take care of things. She was in a coma for a good part of the time and it was good that I was able to watch over her. I found in hospitals even tho’ they are taking care of the patient, it’s important to have a family member there at all times because things do get overlooked. Anyway, I didn’t work and stayed with her 24/7 the whole time and I took a big hit financially but I didn’t complain about it to the family. Now I can see how appreciative he was of that and he is offering to help me out now and it feels so good to be supported in that way. Unexpected but very very welcome. My dad is very quiet and restrained emotionally. That used to hurt a lot growing up but now I can see that he loves and gives in other ways. And I feel accepting of that and appreciative of what he is offering. I can see that he has limits with connecting and expressing emotions but I feel accepting and appreciative of what he is offering. He’s a good dad. He’s trying. I feel touched. I love him so much!

  113.  #113laughing goddess on January 1, 2010 at 10:33 am

    I feel so much love for and from my dad!

    This is my original and first relationship with a man. It feels like it is healing. I feel excited to see how this healing affects my relationship with other men. My original man is taking care of me and providing! I feel so good and supported!

  114.  #114laughing goddess on January 1, 2010 at 10:40 am

    It’s good to know that I don’t NEED his help but it’s a very very nice bonus. I could do it on my own but his help is giving me more ease and less stress. And I get to practice receiving from a man which has been challenging in the past.

    I feel in love with my dad! I feel in love with men.

    This is such a new thing to feel supported and provided for. I can see how most of my life ibwas so focused on being independent, I blocked a lot of help out. Now I am receiving. I love receiving!

  115.  #115laughing goddess on January 1, 2010 at 10:50 am

    I’m just feeling so much appreciation for all the men in my life. I have my dad and all the great guy friends who give and do things for me. I feel so supported by masculine energy even tho’ I don’t have a solid boyfriend or husband. The only masculine energy I’m not receiving is in the form of physical affection and Mr. Tender is stepping up nicely to the plate. Eventually I would like to consolidate these masculine traits into one man but for now I feel satisfied with the conglomeration. All of my needs are still getting met.

    Ha ha! My Venus is in gemini so it makes sense that I would have a conglomeration vs. one. I feel amused by this!

  116.  #116laughing goddess on January 1, 2010 at 10:52 am

    I’m having my way with men! I feel supported and awesome! And they seem to love giving to me. And I don’t have to have sex with any of them to get this support. And that leaves me free to have sex with Tender just because I want to. This feels awesome!!!!

  117.  #117gina on January 1, 2010 at 12:34 pm

    thanks for the support about the roommate Lola.
    the issue about judging her behavior: when somebody repeats behavior, it’s not really a “mistake” anymore, it’s character defining. so that’s the part that is tripping me up. mistake- no big deal. but it’s hard when I talk to someone and find out that on a deep fundamental level, I do not like what they are about…

    The guy from yesterday came over late last night to share a beer. he spent the night, but we just cuddled all night. It was strangely unsexual yet comfortable and nice. we kissed a couple of times this morning, and that was it. It was fun, and I’m over feeling bad about the awkward moment yesterday.

  118.  #118gina on January 1, 2010 at 12:42 pm

    glad to see you are experiencing progress Laughing Goddess.

  119.  #119Lisa on January 1, 2010 at 1:02 pm


    I totally relate:




    I have had dreams in which I am pummeling him; his psychiatrist is just standing by, as he is the one who said to me, in front of this man, “I challenge you to consider if you are over your abusive past, because J. is abusive to you.”

    I, like you, “am coming back to normal.”

    I am appreciative of normalcy.

  120.  #120Lisa on January 1, 2010 at 1:19 pm


    “Covert toxic fuckwad” HA! Is this the official DSM-II manual description! I have known them!

    You say your family is “self loathing”; my mother inculcated in me the higher good of never emoting. No emotions at all, so I never learned to do them. I am having to learn this all now, in my 40’s. Emotions are good, and they will protect me. It is not good to be like Mr. Spock. Praise be to this site and Rori’s work.

    I like, “I feel just about done with this.” AG, you don’t bring out the worst in a vampire; a vampire does what a vampire does: Sucks you dry. No matter how pretty, that is what vampires do.

    It is all power. A jealous person derives power by sucking yours. Sad but true; ultimately, pity is the correct stance. But I feel the outrage now, that my goodness was warped in the service of someone else’s perversion. Yet to him, I was the bully. HA! No good intention goes unpunished by such a one.

    This is an important lesson: NO GOOD intention or act escapes a vampire’s contortion and exploitation. They have so little personal power — they live in the dark, after all — that they must feed off of your personal emanations.

    I confess to some smirking of my own: On my last confrontation with the narcissist, I did the one thing they can least stand: I criticized a possession (person).

    I said, “X said they could hardly believe you were dating such an wrinkly old bag that time you left me in 2005”, which was only one of many betrayals, but it handily came up in conversation. I could see the thin-lipped smile that said, “How dare anyone degrade a possession of mine. Only I am allowed to do that.”

    In a terrible, petty way, it felt good to wield that nasty power of disdain and criticism, which I have always been at the butt end of.

  121.  #121Erika Awakening on January 1, 2010 at 1:33 pm

    Yeah, had medical procedure yesterday. They offered me painkillers, but I’m breathing into the pain instead. Barely even needing the Tylenol. Feel triggered for no particular reason, breathing into that too.

  122.  #122Daria on January 1, 2010 at 2:21 pm

    Hugs Erika!!! i feel guilty you had a medical procedure and i didn’t send support love

    Support Love to erika – Care bear Care

  123.  #123Lourdes Elardo-Gant on January 1, 2010 at 2:23 pm

    Hi Rori,

    This article coincides with my recent one: How To Find Your Soulmate Using The Law of Attraction:

    You rock, Rori!

    Love and light,

    Lourdes Elardo-Gant

  124.  #124Lisa on January 1, 2010 at 2:49 pm

    AG said she was confused about Rori’s saying to feel the feeling yet then advising “distractions”.

    But as S Shannon says, these distractions are actual feelings, too. They are equally valid experiences,a nd a way to train our senses on positive reality, while we are also integrating the other feelings. I think she is saying, feel them, but also feel this. It is sort of like re-aligning one’s emotions.

    Instead of being fixated at the frazzled end, integrate that with the pure sensation of something in nature. Somehow, that admixture of zero triggering + intensity –> peace.

    I think.

  125.  #125Daria on January 1, 2010 at 2:51 pm

    I dreamt Barak Obama was asking me to do some typing for him! and i looked i said wait but that would be a LOT! and he said yes… and i realized he was doing it so that he would pay me, and id have another income! yes

    i felt so loved and supported and grateful!

  126.  #126Daria on January 1, 2010 at 2:53 pm

    Lisa — yes, I tried the tool, and what ends up happening for me, is my RESISTANCE gets bypassed by my touchign and feeling the objects, and then all of a sudden im feeling that feeling i was resisting.

    kinda how rori says why her dustball tool works, cuz it bypaasess the fearful resistance, because it seems safe (when really its a daring magical adventure — AND safe at the same time) hehe

  127.  #127mary on January 1, 2010 at 6:13 pm

    hello lola:

    i took some time this morning to read your entries from this post and the one before, and… maybe you won’t like this, but here’s what comes to my mind – you know how rori says, “guys will say anything?” maybe he’s just picking at straws. lying, not lying, whatever! maybe what he said isn’t even the problem. he’s siting a reason that he’s out the door, but the BEHAVIOR is that he’s out the door. maybe the reason isn’t so all important? oh, i know that sounds harsh!

    many counselors tell us to take ourselves out of the middle when it comes to our kids, but i dunno… my view is that they’re our kids, and they need our protection! i’m kinda glad for your son that this guy is picking up his things! i wouldn’t want him around all that blame and negativity.

    i hope it goes well, and that you say exactly what feels good to you, and that you’re happy with what you said afterwards.

    love, mary

  128.  #128Rori Raye on January 1, 2010 at 6:26 pm

    Hi, Lisa and AG – I had to go back to the post to make sure what I was going to say was right — “distraction” is NOT a word I’d use, and if I have, please point me to it so I can clean that up. Channeling (and the dustball Tool) is NOT about distracting yourself. It’s that – once you go THROUGH the feeling, walk yourself THROUGH the tunnel and out to the meadow on the other side…you will simply become BORED with the pain and the resistance for a moment and NOTICE something NEW. (I capitalized a lot of words here….) It’s about noticing something that captures your attention and feels good – and moving toward THAT. Love, Rori

  129.  #129mary on January 1, 2010 at 6:34 pm


    i’m tracking along with you because i’m similarly disappointed in my guy. he might not be able to be the committed family man that i really want. my guy wants all the attention for himself, and when a family member comes into view, he gets upset. quite frankly, i don’t like it when that happens, but i really hate to acknowledge it!

    acknowledging it might mean that i need to do something about it! (like you’re doing today! way to go! i’m cheering you on! i like what you’re doing! even though it’s difficult.)

  130.  #130mary on January 1, 2010 at 6:35 pm

    maybe i will borrow some of your bravado.

  131.  #131mary on January 1, 2010 at 6:37 pm

    oh, hello rori!

  132.  #132Erika Awakening on January 1, 2010 at 6:39 pm

    I’m relieved to hear that Rori is not advocating distractions, lol 🙂 I was worried there for a moment.

  133.  #133mary on January 1, 2010 at 7:02 pm

    erika, you serious?

  134.  #134alias girl on January 1, 2010 at 7:26 pm

    thanks rori. i just feel confused. for me, the article seems to be suggesting one thing with the title but the actual tools mentioned in the article seem to be offering distractions if one is in the midst of pain rather than offering methods of sinking into the pain.

    i just found it confusing for me personally. i am very literal minded sometimes so that could be why. i feel worried i am missing something that others are getting.

  135.  #135Lisa on January 1, 2010 at 9:43 pm


    Thank you for the clarification 🙂

  136.  #136Robin on January 1, 2010 at 10:18 pm

    I miss my favorite guy…Im starting to think that maybe I should have contacted him…

    Maybe not….

    I dont know when he gets back in town from Christmas vacation, I think he comes back into town this weekend, so I could very possibly see him at church this Sunday, but he could’ve got back in town last weekend for all I know..

    He seemed so interested, so I can;t imagine why he would start pulling away…or he could truly just be busy.

    And no matter how much sinking and feeling I do, I just cant quite put my finger on the vibe Im getting from him-I honestly cant tell if its that he’s busy, that hes not interested, or if its my imagination and NOTHING is wrong…but it feels like there is some resistance coming at me…

    it just feels weird, 2 weekends in a row at church, where he made no mention of getting together for the week, just hi, small talk, and then, well, Ive got this or that, so I’ll talk to you later…

    The pattern he had set clearly changed. Im ready to ask him pointblank ‘Are we still dating?’

    Maybe that sounds too much like the start of ‘The Talk’ ?

    Or ‘Do you still want to go out?’

    Ooh, then I would feel weird if he said, ive just been busy, then im afraid I would look (and feel) need

    I cant come up with a decent speech, and yet I dont want to act like everything is ok, b/c Im not ok with being ignored by the men Im dating, and thats what it feels like is happening here.

    Maybe I could just say that. “theres something thats been on my mind. Is now a good time? “Im feeling really confused…It feels so good being with you, and yet I feel like there’s been a disconnect. Im just a girl here, and like all girls, I need attention (borrowing from Rori), and when I dont get it I feel bad. I dont want to act like everything is ok, b/c Im not ok with being ignored by the men Im dating, and thats what it feels like is happening here…What do you think?”

    I could even cut out the first part (and yet…disconnect)

    And now Im hearing the words of Bob Grant “Men respond to distance, not words.”

    Im so confused….


  137.  #137Robin on January 1, 2010 at 10:22 pm

    If another Sunday goes by where he doesnt make an effort to set a date with me, thats it…stick a fork in me, Im done.

    A cancelled date, followed by the 2 weekends in a row with no plans, followed by being out of town for 1.5 weeks…

    Thats unacceptable

  138.  #138Robin on January 1, 2010 at 10:24 pm

    I got a text on Christmas, and one at midnight New Years…

  139.  #139Robin on January 1, 2010 at 10:27 pm

    And Ive got a bunch of new guys showing from everywhere, but they just dont seem to be the same quality….

    I feel bored with them, or mildly disgusted with them, or downright turned-offed by them when they smile…

  140.  #140mary on January 1, 2010 at 10:58 pm


    I wish you would go out with all the other guys, feel beautiful, and then NOT SHOW at church! Just don’t be there! (Go to a different church and take in a totally new service, just for fun! Maybe with one of the new guys!) Just disappear.

    That sounds like it could be fun! What do you think?


  141.  #141Jennifer on January 2, 2010 at 9:13 am

    I had emailed B with feeling messages. I posted it here somewhere
    here is the reply I got back.

    You wanted to know how I was feling and what I am thinking so I told you. Now you are becomming more upset. I am not saying these things are true. It is my opinion. I guess I missunderstood what you said at times.

    Yes it is natural to want a house, wedding and a ring. Again all things that my wallet cannot handle at this time.

    This is why I don’t tell you things. You get mad if you don’t hear what you want. I tell you how I feel and you feel hurt, angry and disrespected. It will be very hard to work anything out if your anger level goes up everytime I say something.

    Sirens ….I feel annoyed.
    Is it not normal to be hurt and upset by being told someone thinks you are “financially motivated?”
    I feel like he’s telling me it’s not ok to be angry. But I feel it’s natrual.
    Didn’t Rori say something about there is a way to let clueless men know what is going on?
    little help here?

    On a totally different topic (or maybe not so much different)
    I put myself on plenty of fish cause I promised myself I would do it in the new year.
    I totally feel overwhelmed.
    There are 40 pages of guys. I don’t like the look of any of them. The pics are maybe not so hot in quality but they all look mean. Or weird.
    I know that sounds judgmental. But that’s how I feel. I look at the faces and I feel like “go away”
    So I’ll look a little and chat maybe but prolly only date me for now.

  142.  #142Lola on January 2, 2010 at 10:10 am

    laughing goddess
    Last time Rori commented directly to me about the anger thing she said something like ‘you may have to go there.’ Well, that usually triggers him walking out!!!!!
    But he came round fairly calm and we managed to talk a bit. He says it’s not a ‘never’ with me son he needs to back off again like he did before.
    He says he still wants to see my daughter but fears I’m going to put a stop to that.
    He said lets go eat and I may have taken a little longer getting ready (because I’m like lightening when good food is on the agenda) but he got really cross about it. But I also think its because I was checking my i phone more than usual (due to new years emails and siren postings!)
    It felt good to be slightly distracted. He sulked in the restaurant which I found hard but sank into my feelings and my mind wandered off onto the Rori programs and my plans for the year ahead. I think he may have felt unsettled by the fact that I wasn’t my usual leaning forward looking for answers self.
    I feel he suspected messages from men on my i phone.
    My feeling is that he wants to give as little as he needs to and I don’t mean that unkindly – just as Rori has said before – they sometimes only give what they think they have to. It was OK last time for him to retreat because I didn’t get rid of him.
    I felt frustrated by him. I did feel anywhere near as attracted to him and when the opportunity came up for sex I couldn’t see my self going there, which is very unusual in this relationship.
    There were times he looks sad and teary.

  143.  #143Lola on January 2, 2010 at 10:15 am


    Thank you so much for looking at my posts and commenting. As I said in my last post I think he is giving as much as he can give. I may with tools be able to change that but the outcome could be scary because he doesn’t feel comfortable (at best) with my son.
    I too am glad he’s taken his things because i am a believer that the home should be a sanctuary for the family and Feng Shui-wise leaves a residue of conflicts.
    I ‘m feeling I may date him and try circular dating: )

  144.  #144mary on January 2, 2010 at 10:34 am

    Sure. I’m gonna try circular dating too. I’m just not sure how to get there from here. Easier to give YOU suggestions!

  145.  #145mary on January 2, 2010 at 10:55 am

    Jennifer, I know this is B’s response to your speech, which consists of feeling messages, and should have worked brilliantly… maybe he just got overwhelmed a bit. He sounds to me like he’s still very interested. If you can circular date – so hard for me! – and stay in the present with him when you’re with him; just enjoy his company and laugh and be your glowing, smiling, warm, flowing self, maybe he’ll start seeing all those things that attracted him to you in the first place!

  146.  #146laughing goddess on January 2, 2010 at 11:03 am

    Lola: wow! Something different happened! He didn’t get angry. He said never wasn’t really never ( in regard to your son). That feels encouraging to me. It feels good that you were distracted with phone and other things. It feels good to me that you may decide he is giving his best and that may not be enough for you. I feel okay with you deciding to leave because it just doesn’t feel good. That feels more like responding to your feelings vs. reacting to assumptions. I dunno if that makes sense. But it feels like if you make the decision coming from the place you are now you will trust that you are doing the right thing. And who knows, he may learn from this situation and step up. But either way it sounds like you are feeling mostly solid and strong and that feels really good to me. It feels like you are in a powerful place to make a decision. Or maybe make no decision other than to continue to focus on feeling good, give him space to offer up what he will, and keep your options open. Sounds good to me!

  147.  #147mary on January 2, 2010 at 11:03 am

    I’m really finding myself thinking a lot about what Soignee said in some of her recent posts, about touching down softly with feeling messages, and letting them do their magic without too much expressed emotion. I like your ideas, Soignee!

    What if I felt my feelings, as I’m getting used to doing on siren island, and DIDN’T share them with my guy, unless I was making a speech, or unless I was responding to a direct solicitation? Just kept them to myself as a reference for how the relationship was going?

    It seems to me that feelings are intimate things to share. They’re our little pearls; better kept to ourselves than scattered amongst the swine (where did I read that? the bible?) They’re our little indicators of how we’re doing at a very primal level, and when they’re shared, they give SO MUCH INFORMATION, with just a simple word or two! The quickest form of communication ever! and the most direct! and, when delivered simply they can be very non-threatening!

    After thinking about Soignee’s posts, I want to just notice my feelings from now on. Then, when I’m questioned about what’s going on with me, I can drop them here and there, like little love sachets, little heart throbs… little Mary messages.

    I want my guy to be panting and waiting for these messages, so I’m no longer going to throw them out unbidden.

    Thank you, Soignee!

  148.  #148laughing goddess on January 2, 2010 at 11:07 am

    Lola: I feel so happy because you sound much more empowered and hopeful than you did just a few days ago. That feels awesome!

  149.  #149mary on January 2, 2010 at 11:28 am

    Hi Lola:

    I still feel worried for your son if you spend more time with this man. If he said things like, “being with you and your children makes me realize I’m not ready to be a step-parent,” that might feel okay. I’d wonder then if he could get ready. But bringing you into the middle and complaining about your son seems like behavior to watch, in my opinion. It seems like dangerous behavior not only for your son, but for your daughter, too. Do you really want to have to be a policeman in your own home? Or do you want to worry when you go down to the 7-11 for a coke? What would he do or say when you’re not around, if he’s willing to blame one of them for leaving you?

    My fears around this are grounded in experience.

    May our red flags always look red to us! And may we thank our friends who keep waving them for us to see!

  150.  #150Robin on January 2, 2010 at 11:46 am

    Hi Mary,
    Thank you so much for responding to my comments! I would love to do that, and I dont want to sound like Im making an excuse as to why I cant, but I work at church as a singer, so it may not be feasible to take off THIS week…

    HOWEVER, a vaction feels very needed at this point. I may head to the Houston Salsa Congress in a couple of weeks. I am ready to take a vacation.

    The thing is, the guy whos my fav, the new camera guy, and the ex all attend the same service that I sing…

    Im still deciding on my speech…

  151.  #151Lola on January 2, 2010 at 11:55 am

    I do hear what you are saying.
    It would have felt a lot better to have heard him say ‘I’m not ready to be a step parent yet’ Even if he had to say that he found my son’s behaviour difficult as he has no experience of teenage boys or something similar.

    There are times when I am at a loss as to how to deal with a teenage boy, who looms over me height wise and is at the mercy of his hormones (though who am I to talk!)
    I don’t see him being amongst the children for foreseeable future and maybe never!

    I think this was why I had such a hard few days – it was my dream of a future like that crashing on the rocks!
    It feels good to have you being concerned for me and my children!
    What I have discovered is that he is man who has made mistakes in his life (like all of us) but isn’t willing to admit to them or the fact that he feels unable to deal with certain things.
    This makes me feel disappointed because I might be able to work with the truth, but not with all the blame.

  152.  #152Lola on January 2, 2010 at 12:04 pm

    laughing goddess

    Yes, I am definitely feeling better all round.

    I still feel upset with him bout the way he views my son though! Like he’s some delinquent! He was a very difficult boy until quite recently – abusive and aggressive. We went to family therapy and he has really changed but is still quite surly and sometimes monosyllabic! No different really to any other boys of his age, never in trouble withe police or anything, hard working at school and popular!

    I am really wondering how easy it is to have a man come into a family and try to step parent or is it better all kept separate!

    It feels good to be distracted right now, when he was sulking I thought about this site and all you sirens and how much support is available here.

    So in theory you all came out to dinner with me last night! : )

  153.  #153Lola on January 2, 2010 at 12:09 pm


    I feel scared of circular dating!!!! : ))))

  154.  #154Jennifer on January 2, 2010 at 12:23 pm

    I got some messages on POF. And they are all stupid.
    Most of them don’t even have a body to the email they just say “hi” in the Re: line and one guy told me to get back to him cause he’s “cool as F*ck”
    Really? Then I guess you don’t need to be talking to little old me, son.
    I feel irritated. I feel annoyed.
    I feel this way about B too.
    I know it’s not PMS anymore cause that’s done but geeze it annoys the hell outta me.

    Here’s a rough draft reply to the email.

    Well, it’s not supposed to be easy to work things out. I do feel angry when I feel disrespected. That’s normal.
    And I do feel disrespected by you frequently. That is why we’re not together.
    It feels disrespectful to be lied to.
    I also feel worried that this disrespect that I feel from you won’t change cause I feel like you have issues with women. We’ve talked about this.
    Working it out takes hard work. I feel I’m worth it.
    Yes I am going to be angry if I feel disrespected. Working it out means we talk about it and come to a resolution.
    Honesty is always better than lies. I feel like I have an understanding of a lot of your behavior since I got the impression from you that you thought I was “after” your money. I don’t like it, but it’s better than lies and half truths.
    If we decided this thing isn’t working then I want that to be based on what you and I actually think than what we think the other thinks. That’s just insane.

  155.  #155mary on January 2, 2010 at 1:14 pm

    Mmmmmmm, Jennifer…

    I’m reading this and putting myself into the guy’s place and feeling a little bit attacked.

    You say you feel disrespected. Isn’t that more of a thought? In my mind, feelings are something that wash over you that can’t really be argued with, but he could argue that he does respect you.

    I’m trying to stick to The Speech as Rori puts it out, and if I don’t, Daria gets me on it! ha!

    You might say something like:

    I feel (some version of anger, sadness, fear, humiliation or happiness), and what I don’t want is (for you to think it’s all about the money). What do you think?

    Maybe give him something positive to grab… he’s out in the water and you’re on an iceburg. At least throw him a line! He’s not gonna last long at those temperatures!

  156.  #156Daria on January 2, 2010 at 1:17 pm

    Jennifer – I didn’t read that he thinks youre “financially motivated”

    I can see how you might come up with that interpretation of his words, but he did not say that, and (lefkoe style) that is only ONE interpretation of his words. there are many other interpretations that are equally valid.

    What i read in there in first line of paragraph 2. is that it’s hard to tell you stuff because you get triggered to defensiveness ( ex.. thinking that he means youre financially motivated )

    about the house etc, he actually says ITS NATURAL to want those things. he is affirming your desires.

    he seems like right now he thinks he cant provide for you (thats what Rori said). if you think different (can he? do you believe in him in this area?) then let him know that you want a man who can, and you want that man to be him, but no pressure, youre gonan take care of yourself by dating, etc or something like that

    but again, i dont read that he thinks youre financially motivated.

  157.  #157Daria on January 2, 2010 at 1:28 pm

    Jennifer ach.. i feel uncomfortable

    i feel really put off by the last speech

    especially the “i feel you have issues with women. we’ve talked about this”

    that feels horrible to me… more accurately

    I judge you and THINK that you have issues with women, and have done so in the past

    how about…

    ohh i feel really angry and sad. i feel surprised and awful reading your letter… im feeling triggered and a voice inside me is telling me that you “think im after your money” and I feel furious thinking that… is this true?

    I’m feeling so discouraged and angry…

  158.  #158Daria on January 2, 2010 at 1:31 pm

    or just working from your email and scratching out non-feeling messages

    ” I do feel angry when I feel disrespected.
    And I do feel disrespected by you frequently.

    It feels disrespectful to be lied to.
    I also feel worried that this disrespect that I feel from you won’t change.

    I feel I’m worth it.

    I feel like I have an understanding of a lot of your behavior.

    I got the impression from you that you thought I was “after” your money. I don’t like it. ”

    okie dokie. looks good to me!

  159.  #159mary on January 2, 2010 at 1:38 pm

    daria to the rescue! i love this part:

    “im feeling triggered and a voice inside me is telling me that you “think im after your money” and I feel furious thinking that… is this true?”

  160.  #160mary on January 2, 2010 at 1:53 pm

    I’m going to Thailand for two weeks on the 19th of January. If there is ANY WAY I can take my real estate test before then, I’m gonna try to do it. So that means study, study, study until then.

    R is going out of town on the 5th, so we want to see each other until then. He’s going to Phoenix to look at real estate properties, then over to Palm Springs. A nasty voice tells me to be worried about Palm Springs, (women there? but aren’t there women everywhere?) but I’m only half-listening to it.

    I don’t really feel like I can date seriously (or even frivolously) until I take my test and pass it. So circular dating is out for me for now.

    That leaves me going out with only R. He knows I’m studying, so I’m not as available as he would like me to be. I don’t want R to drift into boyfriend mode and then suddenly be horrified when I get my license and decide to circular date.

    Any ideas about how I can prevent that from happening?

  161.  #161laughing goddess on January 2, 2010 at 2:19 pm

    Oh god, I feel so nervous. Mr. Tender is coming to see me today. I am feeling so triggered and nervous and insecure. I want to shift my vibration. I want to feel self-esteem and confidence. I want to relax. I feel so triggered!

    I can do this! I can be present. I can be me. I can laugh and have fun. I can do this!!!!!

  162.  #162Lisa on January 2, 2010 at 2:25 pm

    I’m learning a lot here about re-capturing my power, gaining clarity and getting unstuck. This blog has been a real blessing since my awakening 12/5.

    Thanks to all the sirens for sharing so freely here. There’s a whole lot of wisdom going on, and resistance being broken through.

  163.  #163laughing goddess on January 2, 2010 at 2:27 pm

    When I hear “red flags” I feel triggered. It feels like focusing on the man. I want to take responsibility for my own creation. I want to focus on me not what the man is doing. Analyzing his behavior feels like being in my head. It feels like living in stories and not being present. It feels like laser focus on the mans behavior. It doesnt feel like moving towards good feelings. I don’t want to focus on why the man’s behavior is toxic. I want to focus on shifting out of my own toxic behavior.

  164.  #164mary on January 2, 2010 at 2:33 pm

    hope it goes well for you, LG!

    if he is tender, that’s an amazing quality.

  165.  #165mary on January 2, 2010 at 2:35 pm

    i like what you’re saying about red flags, LG! good to think about! I think I agree… i’m just learning here…

  166.  #166laughing goddess on January 2, 2010 at 2:39 pm

    Lola: I don’t feel worried at all about you putting your children in danger. I feel trusting that you wouldn’t do that. I feel trusting that if you really thought that was a problem, you would kick him out of your life no questions asked. The fact that you haven’t done that makes me assume that he must be a decent guy. I trust your instincts. I feel trusting that you wouldn’t put your children in danger.

  167.  #167laughing goddess on January 2, 2010 at 2:45 pm

    Thanks for your support Mary! I am seeing how insecure I can get around guys I feel attracted to but don’t know well. If I don’t feel like I am perfect and my life is perfect I feel insecure. Looks like this belief “I have to be perfect” is asking to be removed. I feel ready to let it go. Yay!

  168.  #168laughing goddess on January 2, 2010 at 2:51 pm

    How bout replacing it with “I am perfect just the way I am”?

    That feels much better.

    He is tender and that feels so sweet to be around. I have always been around him in public places. Today it will be just the two of us at my place. That feels so scary. Not because I am scared of him. I think part of me is just scared of being seen…being too intimate with no distractions or other people to focus on.

  169.  #169Erika Awakening on January 2, 2010 at 3:16 pm

    Wowzers …

    The guy I’m going out with tonight just sent an email asking:

    “Do you want to get dinner or just go for a drink and see how that feels?”

    Nice 🙂 I sure manifest ’em better than I used to.

  170.  #170Jennifer on January 2, 2010 at 3:44 pm

    Daria Rocks!
    I will send my letter the way you “edited” it. It totally works.
    I often worry about not being understood. That’s why I feel the need to add the extra stuff. I also worry that he thinks he gets away with stuff (disrespecting me etc. ) if I don’t “nail” him on it. So I feel the need to add in the “I know what you’ve done”
    He DID mention that money was a motivating factor…I posted it somewhere. But I still like your letter best, it’s simpler.

  171.  #171mary on January 2, 2010 at 4:10 pm

    Lola: I agree with LG, and I also trust your ability to know when your kids are in danger. If things feel terrible, and he focuses negatively on one of them again, you’ll be able to pull away! You already demonstrated that by the rockstar way you had him remove his stuff from your house! Way to go! I admire that so much.

  172.  #172mary on January 2, 2010 at 4:12 pm

    R was gonna cook for me tonight at his place. Now he’s changed it to my place, and it’s a total wreck from the holidays! “It is perfect just the way it is?”

    “I am perfect just the way I am?”

    Chaos and all?

  173.  #173mary on January 2, 2010 at 4:15 pm

    YES! This is gonna be just fine… He’s not coming to see my house. It’s usually perfect. He’s coming to see me. I’m not perfect, and that’s okay with me. If it’s not okay with him, that’s fine.

  174.  #174Lola on January 2, 2010 at 4:24 pm

    laughing goddess

    Thank you for having faith that I wouldn’t put my children in danger – I feel firm in my boundaries now around my children and that of course, feels good!

    I took my relationship back to dating a while ago separating it from my home life and It really changed things, I let him back in again because he seemed ready but he wasn’t… I am taking it back to dating again, and I just want to get really busy. I’m looking at courses and feeling very excited about it!

    It’s my birthday in a few weeks and last year I built all my expectations for a great birthday around him…heaping too much responsibility on him, and guess what? It flopped!

    This year I’m arranging to go out with my girl friends on my closest child free night and spend the evening of my birthday with my children as I normally would! It feels good to make plans that mean I won’t be waiting for him to make me happy!

    I feel very excited for you having Mr T come around. I know how scary this can feel but it often just evaporates when they arrive! Looking forward to hearing how that goes. Hurray for tender men!!

    Thank you for all your support!!!! : )

  175.  #175mary on January 2, 2010 at 4:26 pm

    thanks for your perspective, LG! I’ll be thinking about you tonite.

  176.  #176Lola on January 2, 2010 at 4:39 pm


    Thanks for that. I think I feel a bit stunned by everything that happened over Christmas, I didn’t feel very attracted to him when he came round yesterday and I didn’t want him to stay the night.

    I think I need to give him a speech – I want him to know that whilst I want him to be able to express his feelings about not being able to do the ‘family thing’ I want him to express it in a way that doesn’t feel like he’s attacking my son because it turns me into a lioness!

  177.  #177mary on January 2, 2010 at 5:08 pm


    in the spirit of just observing, and not trying to change him, you could just take note of the way he talks to yourself and ask yourself how you feel about it! and wonder to yourself if you’d like to be around this behavior long term.

    He might alter his speech for you now, in order to win you, but won’t he revert to the way he sees things later, when he has you?

    IF HE can CATCH wonderful, beautiful, sireny, rockstar YOU!

  178.  #178Lola on January 2, 2010 at 5:32 pm


    The thing is I have been so over focused on this man that I feel confused and baffled by it. Obviously he has a wonderful, fun and tender side – or I wouldn’t still be with him and he has been fantastic with my daughter.

    I don’t want to beat myself up as I am feeling very positive and on my own side right now but I have focused on him beyond belief!!!!

    I have been doing half a job at work for about a year now and realise that I can type and update information etc and at the same time have a full conversation in my head about this man! I’m amazed at how my brain is doing 2 things at once albeit not well : )

    I just don’t feel I ‘ll get any clarity until I get balance and focus going on again in my life.
    Now that is something to look forward too!

    So really a speech would be more for my own sake/ to practice expressing my feelings/wants/don’t wants.

  179.  #179Lola on January 2, 2010 at 5:53 pm


    Actually, I think this is also about my old friend ‘boundaries’.
    I think if I focus on my boundaries, remind myself of them, continue to make them clear to him then I should hopefully be able to ‘feel’ my way out of this.
    I always know when my boundaries are being crossed because it feels yuck.
    And find other things to focus on and do things will start feeling different.
    I would like to circular date but it feels like a scary unknown thing.

  180.  #180mary on January 2, 2010 at 6:18 pm

    well, i’m really feeling close to you now because i’m going through a lot of the same things with R. big, major things i need to look at with him! i need to feel my negative feelings when i’m with him! and figure out how to have boundaries, how to give a NOTHER speech to him, and how to get out and circular date when he’s around, not liking it.

    oooooh. can i do it? not sure. tonight is another night! maybe tonight.

  181.  #181Lola on January 2, 2010 at 6:28 pm

    The times I have focused elsewhere and had watertight boundaries have felt really good. It spurs me on to keep going. I think it was Mercedes who said these things take a while to be ‘natural’ At first we slip back a little and I supposed that’s why it is so important to practice them with our men, the postman, co-workers anyone as Rori says, is free therapy!
    We will have to cheer lead each other on!
    Is it R who doesn’t like you circular dating or is you not enjoying it?

  182.  #182mary on January 2, 2010 at 6:33 pm

    oh, I LOVED IT! it was so fun!

    it made R furious. he said he didn’t want to be on my “kissing team.”

    said he couldn’t beLIEVE i could ever do such a thing as to go from telling him i loved him, kissing him (notice i didn’t say sex) intimately and then having a date with someone else the same night. that was unTHINKABLE, unCONSCIONABLE, unLADYLIKE, unMARYLIKE, etc. he said things that on some level i agreed with, and i felt really humiliated.

    OTHER THAN THAT REACTION, it was so fun! because i didn’t let myself feel serious about him when he first came back. i’m not even sure now if i feel all that serious. it’s hard for me to trust when he’s broken up with me so many times… !!

  183.  #183mary on January 2, 2010 at 6:36 pm

    and i kinda like being a maverick, choosing the way i want to do things, and not worrying about whether i’m doing the things that’s best for everyone!

    i always worry about that.

    (rather egotistical of me to think i know what’s best for everyone, eh?)

  184.  #184Lola on January 2, 2010 at 6:41 pm

    Wow!!! what a confidence booster – I can really understand how that would give perspective to the relationship you are in.
    I work with a LOT of men!! There are days when I get so much action it shouldn’t be allowed! That’s the beauty of being one of the only women around! It’s at those times I feel my obsessive focus going off N, even though I have no intention of doing anything with those men (though now I’d say yes to a coffee!)
    N would go nuts too. He totally wouldn’t understand!!!
    I see how it works as a tool though. Fantastic!

  185.  #185mary on January 2, 2010 at 7:14 pm

    I think I’m not gonna worry about R’s reaction any more. You know what? When we had our little showdown, I felt SO EMPOWERED. We were at a function, and he said, “after tonight, I’m not gonna be dating you any more. I’m not gonna be one of the guys on your kissing team.” And I said, “Okay. After tonight, I’m gonna go out with other guys, so that I don’t put pressure on you, or me, or this relationship, because it’s so important to me. You can feel free to call me, email me or go out with me if you’d like.”

    The other guy became so girl-like and wimpy that he insisted on no competition, so that was that. I broke up with him about two weeks ago.

    (My third guy is out of town and going through a divorce, so really, he isn’t to be counted.)

    Now I’m not sure where we are! We said those things but didn’t do anything about them! And he’s been wanting to see me every day, which I tried to avoid by going out of town. That didn’t work because I had business to do! So I let Christmas come and go. And then New Year’s. And on the 5th, he’s going out of town.

    I’ll probably start dating soon.

    Lucky you! All those guys at work!

    It’s a big risk, circular dating, because like Mercedes said, some really quality guys wouldn’t stand for it, and you’d almost rather have one of those guys than a guy who’d say, “Oh, okay.”

    Hard to know what to do…

    I’ll let you know how the evening goes! And you let me know! Just play it by ear, feel the feelings, make impromptu speeches if needed… we can handle whatever happens! We’re from Siren Island.

  186.  #186mary on January 2, 2010 at 7:16 pm

    One reason I want to circular date is that I’m not sure about R. I’m not sure he has what it takes for a long term relationship (with me). Not that I’m so demanding! I’m not. Maybe because I’m so nice! Who knows.

    He certainly does row the boat! He’s coming over tonite with groceries to cook at my place (to save me time on the road), and then we’re going to a movie, for which he already has the tickets.

    Hard call.

  187.  #187Lola on January 2, 2010 at 7:31 pm

    I might for now commit myself to dating myself. I would take any of those men at work up on a coffee if asked. That would feel OK.
    I feel I need a bigger social life. When N has walked out on me I’m just sitting there like a lemon! I think it would take the pressure off the relationship for now.

    Good luck with the evening.

    Would like to keep on writing put it 2am here! my last late night before getting back in the swing of work/school etc.

  188.  #188Lola on January 2, 2010 at 7:38 pm

    Hence all the typos!!

  189.  #189Daria on January 2, 2010 at 8:54 pm

    Mary i feel confused… i know Mercedes said “something” like that, yet she circular dated and her guy not only stood for it but stepped up and claimed her.

    i feel wary, like maybe there was some misinterpreting…

    anyways… a guy who really wants me as his OWN woman, wants and can to be with me forever, will want to claim me, not stop seeing me

  190.  #190Robin on January 2, 2010 at 9:26 pm

    Mary, that sounds like a lovely evening! Keep up posted. I can totally relate to you with circular dating, although I get the feeling is subconscious.

    We have to circular date to work on healing ourselves, with the free therapy. And we have to be able to bounce ourselves off of guys, practice on them, and work on being able to feel our feelings and feel his energy.

    Not laser focussing happens to be a byproduct., and its important, but I really feel like the free therapy is the most important part, and the hardest part. Im feeling my mind and body fighting and resisting this with all their/our might.

    I was on a first date tonight (I think…Ive been almost considering all interactions with men as a ‘date.’ We met at a quinceanera and danced, about 6 weeks ago, but this was our first ‘official’ date).

    And I panicked, I could feel my body panicking, I could feel my head spinning, I felt nervous, triggered, I forgot to look for the message.

    I tried a million different tools, listening at Level 2, eye contact, leaning back, I tried focussing on the napkins, the fork, the taste and texture of the food, I tried bringing the meadow to the restaurant, I left and went to the bathroom and just sat still for a minute, I tried flying, I tried floating in water, the sensual meditation, sinking into the soup, sinking into my apple cider (that felt good!)

    And some worked for a moment or two, but then that tension would pop right back up, eventually I felt more comfortable, I started to feel sleepy and relaxed, we talked for a while, he asked if I wanted to go somewhere else, I said that would feel good.

    We talked some more, and by the time we actually left, I felt really sleepy, so I told him I felt very relaxed and sleepy, that I could feel myself drifting off.

    So that was the end of our date. No hug, no nothing (he hugged me when he arrived), so Im not sure what thats about…

    After the date I realized that he looks like the best friend of my ex, who tried to get me to sleep with him and when I said no, he got ugly and started hurling insults at me as ‘reasons’ why I wouldn’t sleep with him.

    So that might have been the trigger…

    What feels really interesting is just how much Im resisting moving past the point I hit last year. I really felt like I went from a negative unfulfilled, scared doormat, to a positive, brave, HAPPY Goddess.

    But there’s more territory to be covered.

    And my mind and body just dont wanna do it.

    Im feeling so much resistance to this, Im noticing it, but Im also noticing that its running me, that its subconscious, and that sometimes it causes me to numb-out (although that has almost disappeared-now I just find myself very tense and jumpy).

    And I could hear my brain SCREAMING at me, and my body crying and freezing, asking me ‘Why are you putting me through this?’

    And I felt sad.

    And I dont just want to stay where I am and get comfortable, I want to feel HAPPIER and MORE successful!!!

    I INTEND to feel HAPPIER and MORE successful!!!!

    To be honest the date last week with the camera guy was the first ‘first’ date with a new guy since I started dating the guy who is my favorite, which was back in sept. or oct ( I wasnt seeing only my fav, but the others had been in the rotation for a while)

    So I feel a little out of practice being with new guys

    Im going out with the camera guy tomorrow afternoon and another tomorrow night that I on met New Years

    Maybe I can plow through this…or just keep step forward without feeling terrified.

  191.  #191Robin on January 2, 2010 at 9:41 pm

    Man, actually this is what happened; as I practiced the different tools, my body realized that it couldnt freeze (b/c I was practicing the tools), so I could feel my brain SCREAMING at me ‘How could you!!??” immediately followed by another voice lower in my body, a voice sobbing and asking ‘yeah, why are you doing this to us?”

    And it totally stopped me dead in my tracks.

    I immediately shifted my attention back to what my date was saying, and continued to practice the tools.

    But everytime I remember the sobbing voice, I feel teary-eyed.

    It reminds me of a little kid who’s tried everything and just gives up, and surrenders to the frustration of not getting whatever it is they’re trying to get…

    Or me when Im feeling true despair, or when the last straw is drawn and I lose it, and I fall into a heap on the floor in tears.

    It feels like my body realized its gonna have to face this fear, and it started sobbing..

  192.  #192alias girl on January 2, 2010 at 11:53 pm

    robin i feel compassion and understanding. i feel supportive.

  193.  #193laughing goddess on January 3, 2010 at 1:33 am

    Mary: I can totally relate about the messy house thing. That’s a lot of why I felt so insecure. And Lola, you were right, once he showed up, all the insecurities melted away and I felt super comfortable around him. He loved my house. Thought it was cozy. He’s staying over for a few days. I realize that’s breaking one of Rori’s rules. I don’t feel too concerned about it. I’m taking a calculated risk. I feel hopeful that I can be a rockstar and pull it off.

    He’s definitely masculine. I can tell he loves doing things for me like making food and putting firewood on. That’s the most challenging part for me. I have been a major overfunctioner in the past. I am trying to remain conscious of this pattern and let him give and focus on receiving.

    Our interactions feel so easy. I feel very comfortable around him. You know that feeling of meeting someone and just knowing right away that they are part of your “family”. That how it feels with him. Mmmmmm, he is super yummy!

    He is the first guy that I have really liked since learning Rori’s tools. I feel hopeful that I can have a completely different relationship with him than I have in the past. I feel very attracted to him but not attached. That feels good. I feel open to going further with him but also okay with this just being practice. I want to stay in the moment and not put a lot of expectations on the situation. My only expectation is to feel good and be treated right.

    Ahhhh, felt so good to kiss him. I love the way he smells. Oh my! I feel beautiful and sexy around him. He is sleeping right now. It feels different to have a real live man sleeping in my house. It’s been a while since that’s happened.

    Oh my. I feel yummy!

  194.  #194Daria on January 3, 2010 at 1:43 am

    LG it sounds GREAT! i am imaging being u and i feel so nervous having a man in my home, and leaning back. i feel like… am i supposed to open my home to him liek we’re a couple… like this is his home too… or… no not really, this is my home… i feel confused. i feel good having a man in my home. who pays attention to me.

    i love how you mentioned the “you know he’s family” feeling. i love that feeling!

    i had that with guy who had a baby but also suprisignly with coffee sex man.

  195.  #195laughing goddess on January 3, 2010 at 1:58 am

    Awww Daria, it feels so good to read your words. I feel really understood.

  196.  #196mary on January 3, 2010 at 4:21 am

    LG: I’m so happy for you! That things were easy tonight, and that you have a man in your home! I feel happy thinking about you, and it gives me pleasant memories of times that were good when I was married.

  197.  #197mary on January 3, 2010 at 4:27 am

    R and I talked all evening tonight. He just left! He totally heard my speeches from before! And I think we both feel relieved that there will be dating for both of us; that we’re both free. It really does relieve the pressure.

    Hello circular dating!

    Hello, hello, hello, helloooooooo!

    Hello opportunities. Hello free therapy. Hello perspective!
    Hello excitement. Hello frustration. Hello exploring. Hello experimenting!

    Hello New Year!

    I feel so alive.

  198.  #198mary on January 3, 2010 at 5:14 am

    and sad.

    and scared.

    and suddenly alone again.

    i love my scared feelings? I love feeling sad?

  199.  #199Lola on January 3, 2010 at 7:21 am

    Yes you are right! Mercedes’ man did step up and has ever since – it really worked for her!!! That is a very encouraging story.

    I’m sorry you are left feeling sad and scared.

    laughing goddess
    It sounds like a wonderful time!!!! Enjoy, enjoy, enjoy!

  200.  #200mary on January 3, 2010 at 11:23 am

    On December 2, 2009, Mercedes said this:

    “In my opinion, if what we’re looking for is a man who wants to spend the rest of his life with us and if we’re with a man who is truly okay with us sleeping with multiple partners…can we expect to have found even the potential of a forever relationship with him?

    I guess I just look at my situation with J and if I told him I was sleeping with someone else along with him, two things would happen: 1. I would lose him forever. 2. I would shatter his heart into a million pieces. That’s the kind of man I want to be with. A man who loves me so much he cannot imagine losing me to someone else…a man who is willing to do anything to have me in his life forever…a man who has his entire heart invested in me and a man who trusts me with his heart. If I’m not with that man, then I probably need to hold off on the sex and go out there and FIND that man.

    I don’t know how else to put it, but unless you’re in a relationship where all people concerned understand and embrace polyamory, then someone is destined to be hurt. Very, very hurt.”

  201.  #201mary on January 3, 2010 at 11:25 am

    so maybe there’s a time for everything? a season for everything under the sun? “…a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing…”

  202.  #202mary on January 3, 2010 at 11:29 am

    This comment of Mercedes has given me pause. It has made me stop and wonder if I should go ahead with circular dating. And I’ve been thinking about it ever since she said it.

    But… my situation is not her situation.

    I’m with a man who has a sex addiction and is not actively working on it. He and I have a history of breakups and get-back-togethers, and what I don’t want is for that history to repeat itself.

    I’m going to circular date now.

    Happy about it today!

  203.  #203Lola on January 3, 2010 at 11:49 am


    I get confused about circular dating but thought it was not a sexual thing. Rather a series of different encounters with men to build self esteem.

    It would be over with me and N if he thought I was going to sleep with another man.
    I think he would be jealous at the thought of me having coffee with other men but I suppose there is no agreement (except sexual exclusivity) between us.

    In my circle of friends/ my experience/my location I have never come across the idea of circular dating – It feels like we all go from date to date hoping that this is the big one. Even my friends who are internet dating express a feeling of guilt if they are talking to more than one man at a time, and line them up one by one.

    I would love to circular date because I think it would give me confidence, perspective and shift my focus to me!!
    I think I resist because it is as yet unknown and that one of the (many) reasons I’m hanging out here waiting see how it goes for others!!!!

  204.  #204mary on January 3, 2010 at 12:09 pm

    well, i’m going from feein’ groovy to feeling insecure and upset and mad and sad and there is so much fear!

    but i’m gonna do it anyway.

  205.  #205mary on January 3, 2010 at 12:30 pm


    You’re right! Most people don’t understand circular dating. (i’m struggling with it!)

    When R and I were dating before, we had a volatile relationship. I often wondered what I could have done differently, and I always went back to one thing: I should have never been his girlfriend.

    Then, one day I was driving around, listening to Christian Carter, and he was interviewing Rori. I was not listening very intently; just saying yeah, yeah, yeah, to myself, when she suddenly started talking about the “girlfriend trap.” I stopped the car, listened again, and again and again, and went home and bought all of her materials.

    Targeting Mr. Right started off in an amazing way, saying all the things I wanted to hear, about how men are motivated by different things than women, and how they actually love the challenge, so giving them the challenge isn’t such a mean thing to do, etc. I still have questions about the humiliation and shame that I feel when I’m being judged as a self-absorbed woman with loose moral standards (even though I haven’t been having sex with these guys…) And I wonder about sustainability.

    I am planning to keep sex out of the picture as long as possible. Just kiss and try to keep my wits about me. For me, sex really clouds my judgment, and I want to be as sober as possible when assessing a guy. Maybe use circular dating to target the guy I want (as suggested by the title), then let the right relationship naturally develop; hopefully go long term! Yay! I love thinking about that!

    I feel scared. I don’t want to lose R. But do I really even have him?


    : (

    So maybe I’m off to a happier New Year! You too, Lola!

  206.  #206tinque on January 3, 2010 at 12:49 pm

    Mary and Lola – It seems as though you both at heart understand the concept of CD but maybe are becoming confused when intellectualizing it.
    CDing can be as brief as a 5 second sustained gaze between you and a man you saw at a coffee shop to a full on date with smooching at the end. CDing doesn’t embrace having sex with them unless you are being exclusive (sexually) with one man.
    It’s true that when most women have sex, we attach emotionally.
    There are people who embrace and seem to do well with polyamory, yet Miss M and I agree that somewhere along the way it’s pretty much inevitable that one or more persons will feel hurt, left out, will want more.
    We also both feel that the deep/profound connection that we have found can only be between two persons who have “given their hearts to each other” (for want of better words at this moment). Having more people in the mix makes you have to “spread it around”. I believe there can be great love for more than one person but not the sort that is devoted to that one special one.
    There are those who would disagree with us, and that’s okay. If someone is happy with their lifestyle, that’s all that really matters.
    I realize I’ve gotten sidetracked. I realize these are not your concerns. Or maybe they are.
    “I would love to circular date because I think it would give me confidence, perspective and shift my focus to me!!”
    Lola – you’re correct here.
    “I think I resist because it is as yet unknown and that one of the (many) reasons I’m hanging out here waiting see how it goes for others!!!!”
    This may be so. CD works very well for many, eg. Simply Shannon among others. It’s not for everyone. But any of us can exchange looks while out and about or have a brief interaction, flirt a bit whether in a relationship or not and achieve some of what you speak of, the confidence, the shift in perspective. And this would classify as CDing.

  207.  #207Daria on January 3, 2010 at 1:41 pm

    The Targeting in “Targeting Mr. Right” is actually a play on the concept.

    As explained in the program, WE are the Target. and the men are circling around us, the target, and shooting the arrows of their attention and energy to us.

    I feel triggered by the idea that Circular Dating is not for everybody. If one is not ina committed relationship, then like it or not they are basically circular dating. whether they are keeping their vibe closed, by imagining that their current relationship is committed and having an imaginary relationship, or whether keeping their vibe open and receiving energy from around.

    its not really such a strange concept once you try it, you’ll realize its going on all around u

    from the woman who ‘cheats’ on her non committed boyfriend, to the woman who is having cofee with a coworker, etc

    to the woman performing on stage and receiving applause from the audience.

    I suppose sometimes, man willing and rowing, one can jump into a committed relationship from date 1. But with a man not willling and rowing, one can’t force start a relationship by imagining that they are in one and expecting the man to act the same, When he doesnt want to.

    I feel lost. I feel triggered. i feel annoyed.

  208.  #208tinque on January 3, 2010 at 1:55 pm

    “It’s not for everyone.” I want to rephrase this, for it really depends on definition, and I suppose this could be different for each. I agree with Daria that we are CDing all the time. Each interaction with another, even those without words can be a CD.
    What may not be for everyone is going out on dates with more than one an at a time. It is worth trying, as it has been wonderful for many.

  209.  #209Lola on January 3, 2010 at 1:57 pm

    Daria and Tinque
    Feeling very appreciative here for both of your ‘lights’ on this.
    Also feeling very excited that I am already circular dating!!!!
    All my interactions with men have been ‘conscious’ in the last month as in being aware of them, aware of myself as a woman and our exchange. It has had some encouraging results as I do feel that in acknowledging the interaction energy is flowing between all men and myself!!!!
    That feels really good, but also seems to have got me free helpings of banana topping on my porridge!!!!

    When I was saying I found the concept hard earlier I think it was more to do with how we are culturally conditioned to date in a singular way.
    I would now love everyone to be doing it to whatever degree they wanted!

  210.  #210Lola on January 3, 2010 at 2:07 pm

    I’m feeling sorry that your evening has left you disappointed sad and discouraged.

    Have you done the 2010 letter tool yet?

    It made me feel very positive but also, by including all things like work, family finances equally – we are already focusing outwards onto the broader picture.
    It’s jogged me into sorting out my bills and I’m planning a course now that will hopefully take me in a new direction. It’s always been in my mind to do it, but I included it in my letter so now it feels like the natural thing to book it up!

  211.  #211Simply Shannon on January 3, 2010 at 2:21 pm

    I don’t have a whole lot of time to discuss circular dating but will wholeheartedly agree that it feels weird at first. We are so conditioned to be one on one with a man (so as not to make anyone jealous – gosh forbid). So let me leave you with a few observations…

    Why doesn’t it feel WEIRD / SCARY to commit to a person YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW? Can I really know a person after a month or two of dating?

    It does feel challenging to juggle different men but it’s not that hard. Dates get planned, and I just go out with the dates on my calendar. And the guys I meet who I really like may get preferential treatment but if for whatever reason that guy(s) drops off, my calendar is still full.

    I feel hopeful that everyone would just have faith in Rori and give circular dating a shot. It feels truly liberating.

  212.  #212Simply Shannon on January 3, 2010 at 2:23 pm

    Erika: Meant to say I hope you are still doing okay after your medical procedure!! Prayers that the procedure has been helpful, and you continue to heal completely!

  213.  #213mary on January 3, 2010 at 2:48 pm

    Ummm… Simply Shannon…

    I like what you’re saying there. Can’t wait to try it in a premeditated way.

    What happened to me before was just crazy. I was dancing with a guy, the first guy I had even dated in a year and a half, my ex saw us dancing, jumped into the picture, and then I got a call – out of the BLUE – from my college lover! So everyone was upset, including me! I was going from one guy to the next, in a serious way, and I wasn’t ready for it, or for the fighting that happened between the guys. I just wasn’t ready, and they all knew about each other, because I was being up front and honest…

    Starting out with coffee dates and keeping myself in non-committal relationships is gonna be different, and easier! I’m excited about it!

    And R called today. We had another nice chat. That guy is confusing to me! He just seems to gloss over the rough stuff and proceed… willing and rowing.

    Oh, it’s really great sometimes…

    Laughing Goddess: I’m really thinking a lot about what you said here:

    “I want to take responsibility for my own creation. I want to focus on me not what the man is doing. Analyzing his behavior feels like being in my head. It feels like living in stories and not being present. It feels like laser focus on the mans behavior. It doesnt feel like moving towards good feelings. I don’t want to focus on why the man’s behavior is toxic. I want to focus on shifting out of my own toxic behavior.”

    That makes a lot of sense to me.

    And Daria, I love it that “WE are the Target. and the men are circling around us, the target, and shooting the arrows of their attention and energy to us.”

    That’s great.

    Tinque, thank you for your very deep insights, as always!

  214.  #214mary on January 3, 2010 at 2:49 pm


    from Simply Shannon:

    “Why doesn’t it feel WEIRD / SCARY to commit to a person YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW? Can I really know a person after a month or two of dating?”

    This is what people do! They’re attracted to each other, so they just jump in with both feet and hope for the best!

  215.  #215mary on January 3, 2010 at 2:51 pm

    I’m gonna circular date now! Yippee! I’m excited!

    R called and wants to go on a hike. I haven’t even returned his call, and it’s been a week. Maybe I’ll do that…

  216.  #216mary on January 3, 2010 at 2:53 pm

    Oops, excuse me! That’s R2! Someone different… I’m not really into him, but being with someone different would be nice…

  217.  #217Lola on January 3, 2010 at 5:07 pm

    During a conversation with bf tonight I said “I feel like I have been rowing the boat and I don’t want to row it anymore…”
    He replied “I’ve actually been rowing the boat but you’ve been shouting out directions”

    At least that brought some humour to the conversation!!!!!!

  218.  #218mary on January 3, 2010 at 5:16 pm

    that is soooooooo funny!

  219.  #219Simply Shannon on January 3, 2010 at 6:15 pm

    Lola: LMAO! No back seat drivers allowed! 🙂

  220.  #220alias girl on January 3, 2010 at 8:10 pm

    hahahahaa lola!!

  221.  #221Lisa on January 4, 2010 at 4:04 pm

    A friend from England sent this today, and I thought it inspiring:

    “May today there be peace within. May you trust that you are exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith in yourself and others.. May you use the gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you. May you be content with yourself just the way you are.. Let this knowledge settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love. It is there for each and every one of us”

  222.  #222Mag on January 5, 2010 at 6:15 pm

    Hi Rori,
    I’ve already got your book and I can tell you that I’m amazed about it….it is really good to have it and apply it for daily life!!…..self-steem is recovering thanks to you!….I’m mexican and I live in the border of Mexico having Texas as neighbor state. Apologize if my english it’s not too good.
    I’ve been following all your advices, and I started to did this after my relationship over. and I can say it overed after 3rd qtr of this year. I used to be with a lovely man who is divorced with 2 kids and I met him in my town, he is from the west side of my country but he was working here for a period. Since we met we were really connected, he always said he was really thankful with God and destiny to get me on his way. After several months of relationship, you know good times, he met my family and friends and I felt I was very close to his things, you know….his children, his problems…etc….after all these little things I do not know what hapenned!….Suddenly, I felt him distant, his calls were 2 at day and suddenly turns to 1 at day or none… I mean,
    he told me he was on this town just for a moment and it was probably just that time the time of our relationship..but you know…i think he said that because he was trying to be honest but at the same time saving his feelings….or something… He had just 2 years divorced, going out of his past and difficult relationship and he was not ready to commit again so fast….besides, I know that economic situation after divorce for everyone, especially for men is not too good and he said he could not offered me what I deserved (I’m 33 years old right now, never married, no children, professional and self-sufficient…and men can think I have high expectations from life due to this, but I can say material things are not everything in life…)..eventhough I told him it was ok for me, and for that time I’ve already felt in love with him…And I would like you could met him!, It’s impossible not to fall in love with a man like this….he is a really good man, with values and he is old fashioned…and I love in men this last attribute (you know, I’m mexican)…..
    I did not accept all this crap from him and I told him I didn’t care what it was going to happen after he moved from this town…so then, we continue but I have to accept that was not easy to continue this in that time….Then, he decided to broke up with me because he said I deserve better things and someone better than him, someone who wants same thing I want and I accepted but what I did not understand in that time is the he continued in touch with me…sending me e-mails every single day as of today and calling me often and you know he mesmerised to be closed to me….I have to accept that he never told me, “hey, let’s going to come back together” or something like that…but I could feel he wanted….but on that time we were not together as we used to be, I had the feeling he was dating with someone else….then he asked me to date out and I accept and happened what you are thinking! : ( … (We slept together and we were seeing each other not every weekend but I think every by weekend for 3 or 4 months)…then, he continued with same attitude not calling me often, I was so frustrated about not phone calls from him and just one day he “was lost” for a week and then I call him and asked him what happened and he said he had met someone else and he could not continue see me anymore!….Believe me Rori, I was devastating!…I felt so bad, so humillated….and I cried and cried for a while….then, after this new, he continue e-mail me or calling me….he never stop to be in contact with me!….and even when I knew all this….I felt in his arms again! then around middle of 3rd qtr he told me (I did not ask this! ) he was alone and not seeing anyone else and I continued see him….until he moved to the west, he moved on September….Believe me, it is embarrasing to tell you my story….but I have not found that strength to say “no” to him… I know he will continue coming to my town because of his work…and I just do not know what to do…I love him very much and I do not know what to do without him and what I can notice is that every time I decided to do not have any new of him or any contact about him, he always make and extra effort to be in contact with me….calling me often, e-mail me often and even tell me that he has not forget me….sometimes I think what he said is true, he has not forget me even the distance, even with the commitment with his children and even with his economic troubles….I do not know what to do Rori, to get him commit or just get him away of my life.
    many thanks for your help and attention to my e-letter. If someone of you has passed a similar situtation, I will appreciate your advice (s).

    Desperate and truly yours….


  223.  #223Rori Raye on January 7, 2010 at 12:03 am

    Mag – I want to give you a big hug as I say this – but – you are a booty call. Please stop seeing him. We need to help you get your life together and start Circular Dating. Love, Rori

  224.  #224Lola on January 7, 2010 at 10:50 am


    I feelso glad you have come here and certain that you will get the help, support and the tools you need here.

    Keep posting for help and support!

  225.  #225Mercedes on January 7, 2010 at 1:13 pm

    Hey ladies…I literally have like two minutes and I’m soooo sorry I’ve been distant. It’s going to get worse I think until March but I’ll be back as soon as I can.

    I do want to clear up how I feel about circular dating though:

    I believe in it 100%…I have used it…I would use it again if I needed to.

    What I would NOT do…and what J would NOT put up with….and what would have caused me to lose him forever is HAVING SEX with another man.

    J hated that I was circular dating. He hated it but he put up with it until the time when I had the love I needed from him to be with him for the rest of my life.

    However…if I had slept with any man I was circular dating, I would have broken J’s heart and I would have never seen him again.

    He put up with dinners and dancing and movies and wine tastings and lots of other stuff with lots of other men. He did not and would not have put up with me being sexually active with anyone other than him.

    I dated around. I didn’t sleep around. I would do the same tomorrow if I needed to.

    Really gotta go. Gonna try to respond to one or two other things quick. I’m thinking about you all so much. Will be back on as soon as I can.

    Much Love,

  226.  #226la la land on February 12, 2010 at 2:08 pm

    sometimes things has a surprising way to appear.
    i missed this post when it came out. now im having the same problem again and searching for help i found this.
    thank u Rori for this post. i feel honored.
    your work has helped me tremendously, my fight is not an easy one but i consider myself very lucky to have found this blog.
    i use the heart connecting tool kit, siren and reconnect.
    the self compassion tool done wonders to me. it opened a new chapter in my life . my voice is tamed more then ever. but some times i get triggered in a way that makes me feel as if i lost track of all my progress.
    i also tried an Energy healing treatment,i think it helped some.
    i m brain-washing myself with your tools when im driving. this seem the easiest way to consume.
    also the inner-bonding process you recommended is helpful.
    i also follow a Buddhist book and i like to watch the Esther hicks videos on youtube…

    thank you again