Revive Sex In Your Relationship

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Okay – we’re going to start talking about sex, and how to bring it back in a relationship or marriage that’s been going without.

I’m jumping off a comment by Reshi – who’s been in a nearly sexless marriage for a long time.  She says “…He sleeps in the guest room, won’t have sex with me, won’t kiss me unless I ask him to –and I don’t want to be asking him to –yet he will hug me and randomly pet my head on quite a frequent basis…”

Okay – it doesn’t get too much more awful than this. You can read Reshi’s whole comment and story here…

Reshi – we’re going to work to get this back for you – I can’t promise, but I’ve seen it happen more than 50% of the time…I was very close to that space myself, with sex happening infrequently, but still there, and I turned it around completely…

To begin, here are some big possible scenarios for going consistently weeks, months, or years without sex, but still “getting along” with your man:

1. He’s gay.  This is not as far-out as you’d think.  Sexuality is not an either-or thing.  It’s not just –  either gay or straight.  Kinsey did research on this (a lot of it personal, if you saw the film “Kinsey” – and don’t take this as a recommendation, it’s a very disturbing film, at least it was for me…)

Both Kinsey and Klein created “scales” and Klein uses a “grid.”  Let’s use the Klein Grid, because it’s much more detailed – and let’s just talk about men, here, because we women are much more fluid in our sexual and romantic feelings, and much less resistant, both inside ourselves and even in today’s culture to throw out our fantasies whatever they are.

In the Klein Grid –  men pretty much place THEMSELVES on the scale because of the way they SELF-IDENTIFY.  In other words, men answer questions about romantic feelings, and fantasies, and real-life desires and activities, and they put their answers on a “grid,” over different time periods, rating each question on a scale of 1-7 – with 1 being the most heterosexual, and 7 being the most homosexual response to the question.

This puts them on an overall scale somewhere between 1 and 7, and still leaves a lot of room for flexibility.

Hardly anyone is a 0 or a 7.  We all have fantasies.  We all are erotically attracted to many kinds of people.  And we all are emotionally attracted to all kinds of people.  We are all curious, we are all resisting our attractions to so many people, and all this can affect our level of desire to have sex at all from day to day.

Most people fall closer to the middle of the scale than you would think.  We just sort of tip one way or the other.  Your man may be closer to the middle than even he thinks, and it may be confusing him.

There’s no way you can “confront” him on this, but it’s sure worth an open-hearted discussion (after you’ve done some research and looked into your OWN flexible sexuality.)

2. His Testosterone and other hormones are low and he has little libido. It could be something that’s going on in his life – stress, depression – that is actually affecting him physically. if you don’t see him masturbating (perhaps looking at porn on his computer) – then this could be going on. 

The only way out of this is getting him to a doctor, and I always recommend Chinese medicine for hormones – in my experience it’s much more effective than Testosterone patches.  AND – the problem is – no man wants to be dragged to the doctor (not even your acupuncturist) by his woman.

It has to be his OWN idea.

3. Here’s the most common situation:  You’re both angry. And no one wants to be angry, so you’ve both shut down, in different ways.  The level of safety has broken down, so that even hormones can’t trump the other feelings.

You’ve just both gotten so used to “numbness” that even when “random horniness” shows up, it’s easy to extinguish the flame before you even get started.  It’s easy to suddenly let your mind turn to some resentment, or something that has to be done around the house, or with the kids, or it seems like so much effort to plan a sex “date” – or even a “dinner” date, because you feel unheard, unloved, uncared for, and unsafe.

And yes – he feels those things, too.


4. He’s seeing another woman. Okay, this is awful.  And you may suspect it, and yet many women have been knocked for a loop when they discovered it.

This is a huge issue, and we’ll tackle it much later – but for now, know this:  If your man is still in the house, any other woman is irrelevant.  She doesn’t matter.  If your man can work things out with YOU, that’s his first choice.  If he’s not gone, it’s because he doesn’t want to be.

The question here, then, is…do you want to be with a man who’s lied to you.

Sometimes, a marriage can come back from this.  Sometimes even a relationship that’s not official through marriage.  Sometimes you can get over betrayal – and sometimes you can’t.

Fixing It: The trick is to keep moving forward, lifting up your self-esteem, exploring all your options, and then making decisions based on what feels GOOD.  You can bypass fear if you just follow what feels good.

Everything step-by-step

So – our next steps are to:

1. Get into your own sexuality and sensuality and pleasure, and at the same time…

2. Create a feeling of safety and authenticity in the relationship, so you can…

3. Get all this stuffed-down emotion – especially the hidden anger – out into the open (every one of the scenarios above can be TALKED through – believe it or not – with Feeling Messages and Power Speeches) and…

4. Slowly begin physically touching and flirting with him, as you…

5. Learn to tolerate the new feelings of deeper intimacy and connection and receiving

My Modern Siren program really lays all this out for you, and the steps to fix it (you can take a look at all my programs right here…), so if you’re working with the “Siren,” I’ll be able to answer your questions and respond to your comments more specifically – and point to the Tools in Siren that will help you.

Step one for now is to get into your own sexuality, sensuality and pleasure – your assignment – Self-Pleasuring.  (Heather in the Modern Siren really lays this out for you).  I mean dedicated time to physical, sexual, sensual self-pleasuring – every day.

Take this even further with a pole-dancing class, or getting massages if you can – but mostly I want you to walk around focused on your vagina. Yep, that’s right.  I want us to be aware every second if our vaginas and all the lovely tissues and folds of our femaleness are soft, relaxed, warm and open.

AND – I want you to turn yourself on.  All day.  Keep touching yourself, keep looking at yourself in mirrors lovingly, fantasize, really look into men’s eyes everywhere you go.  STAY turned on 24/7.  I want you to feel the buzzy vibe of arousal all the time.  Now relax your mouth, drop your lower lip, be aware of your shoulders and if they’re tense and high – love them, love the tension, love everything.

Now – let me know what happens.

Love, Rori

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  1.  #1Marplot on October 16, 2008 at 8:10 pm

    I really liked you post.

    I had the same problem- my crush never wanted to make out. For a while I was thinking it was because I was too interested in sex and that I should start to try and get rid of it. After reading this, I feel a lot better because now I have a better idea of how to deal with it.

  2.  #2Reshi on October 16, 2008 at 9:30 pm

    Thanks so much for this post, Rori! I’m almost 100% sure that the case in my specific situation is #3 (anger)and yes, it’s probably both of us. And, Marplot, me too. Here I was thinking that I was this 100%, always-turned-on, sex maniac, and that there was something wrong with ME for it.

    The truth, however, is that I’ve been spending the last couple days trying to be sensual and turn myself on and guess what, I’m having a lot of trouble! I never thought I’d be too tired to get it on with MYSELF but I rejected myself two nights in a row. I feel like a dried-up old woman!

    Now, this is not to say that I don’t have my moments of juiciness, but 24/7 really sounds like a challenge. And looking into men’s eyes…like, real-life men? ones who AREN’T my husband?! Absolutely terrifying!

    So ok, Rori, I’ve got my work cut out for me now. I will definitely let you know how things go.

  3.  #3Daria on October 16, 2008 at 10:01 pm

    ok Reshi you are right! I found looking into men’s eyes terrifying too… but now since I have started to love my sensations I found myself doing it so much easier… I mean on the freeway I used to tense up and feel nervous yet flattered when guys would smile at me… now I have seen myself actually look back relaxed! So tell me how it goes because I want to do this turn myself on 24/7 too!

    Also I used to turn myself on and look into the mirror and think I look pretty – and then I would feel weird and desperate because I would think “why do I have no one to share myself with?” now I realize I can share with myself!

    Marplot I too used to date this guy (and one before too) who after a while also did not want to make out or have sex… I felt so weird and not good enough! He would want to but only when I didn’t or when I purposely made him jealous or something… he seemed so against giving to me in any way! I think he was immature and probably insecure and hung up on his ex but I don’t know because I stopped seeing him… the first guy from the past… well he wound up going behind my back and hooking up with and marrying my best friend at the time! Maybe it was anger for these guys because I think I sometimes used to go out my way to make them jealous and all their friends would be practically in love with me… as a security I somehow made their friends love me to make sure they would stay with me… maybe it was gayness… maybe it was another woman… maybe it was me being VERY controlling in the relationship and not letting go no matter what!

    I feel really happy right now and excited guys! I am going clubbing here in town with a girlfriend! Woohoo! There should be lots of cute guys there!

    Also I am feeling overall confident, I do worry a little bit about “please-come-see-me” man because he was my friend and I think I was having a really positive influence on him when we did hang out together… he wanted to get a job and start back getting his education and following his dreams… well I don’t want anything to happen to him and at the same time don’t want to be pushy or lose myself taking care of others – my motto was always to love others more than myself and that did work to give me a kind of martyr satisfaction and actually a lot of appreciation from men (my friends). Now I am loving myself and it feels good too! It is FUN! I exist and can receive love, even from me! Especially from me!

  4.  #4Daria on October 18, 2008 at 11:58 am

    okay I am doing a really good job turning myself on and allowing myself to be turned on by and around men…

    I have an issue now with men I just meet wanting to make out with me (and more…) lol I mean this is fine… but at some point I fail to be impressed that they do not conversate enough or I don’t find them intelligent or impressive enough…

    How do I receive interesting conversation as well as them obviously being irresistably attracted to my siren sexiness?

  5.  #5Daria on October 18, 2008 at 12:46 pm


    I feel so frustrated and icky in my head that I have not been getting enough sleep. My body feels hot in my shoulders and head and not in a good way but in a joints are filled with toxins way if that is even possible. I Want to Feel good and rested and Good to my body. I want to feel healthy and Happy. I’m feeling like smiling and it feels like my eye is getting hotter and hurting and that IS ok… maybe my eye doesn’t want to feel good ant this is totally ok I understand because I did not get enought sleep AGAIN and I feel reallyl ANGRY at myself and this is ok too and I want to love myself and forgive myself and I feel ickyness in my chest and jaw. I love my body parts and their ickyness! I love you chest. I love you jaw. I feel hot from the inside of my head and maybe that is good… that sounds really cool like I am on fire… yeah… and even though it’s reminding me of a computer overheating because its been on too long… thats ok… maybe a part of me wants my brain to be a computer … and that is cute… hehe… and part of me knows its not and its a real human brain and very juicy and fluffy as brains go… hehehehe… and now I am laughing and feeling a little bit better, my jaw is relaxed now and my shoulders are hot and my hand is getting hot too… and thats ok my shoulders are on fire… yeah… i have fireball shoulders and that is REALLY cool… I can imagine myself now with fireball shoulders and I feel them much better… and now my chest is doing its huh huh sounds which i now know is my energy and feelings releasing… and i love it it is very reassuring… and now i feel thirsty and I am yawning… and I feel calm but also worried that I will feel icky again… my vision seems fuzzy and in my tummy is a big rock feeling… and that sounds cool having a big rock in my tummy wow I am a very interesting creation with fire shoulders and big rock in my tummy… This would make a fine story about me as a the main character and maybe I could have some magical powers… like right now my right fire shoulder feels hotter and maybe it is turning bright bright yellow and the flames envelop my head and I am super burning woman wild creature from the mountains with rock in my tummy… and part of me wants to be sexy so maybe I could be sexy too even with the rock in my tummy… maybe the rock actually morphs into a fluid heaviness that is the womby core of my femininity… ok this is getting overly interesting now… hehe… i am feeling like leaning forward into the computer and seeing what happens next in my story although I am the one writing.. and now I am yawning really big and I feel like having some water would feel good… and I kinda dont feel like stopping and going downstairs… and ?I feel my shoulder neck and arm tense up and it feels like something is encircling it which is cool maybe I could wear rings around my neck right now which hold my head up… and that is cool and the pain in my back might be from my new tattoo which I wonder what it looks like… and I am yawning again… I feel calm and relaxed now… my legs feel like wiggling and my chest feels tense on the lower left and my upper right back is tensing and I feel overwhelmed trying to follow all of them at once but that is ok and I love them all… I am so cool as an elemental woman and my tattoo hurts because maybe it is an eagle and the eagle is actually moving and now it is coming alive and flying off my back WOW this is sooooo cooo.l and I am happpy to have my eaglie and amazed that I Am such a wonderful creature… and I will go get my water now…

  6.  #6Daria on October 18, 2008 at 1:31 pm

    Hi! Happy to say that not only did I get a glass of water but also vacuumed my entire room! Woo hoo!!

    Now I feel really desperate and upset and scared thinking about the “issue” I had last nite with one of my girlfriends… I felt really left out of a group and even though it “should” be minor now that I am sensitive I felt sad and angry… it reminded me of situations in the past where I felt disrespected by one of my girlfriends or left out… so basically she wanted me to wait parked on the side of the neighbors house… but they were righ tout on the porch in a group of people! So should not be a big deal but is to me and I left and started crying… and when she called me I kinda responded that I was Not coming back and I sounded upset and sniffly… and she said ok and got off the phone quickly… now this is a new friend and normally I would not care but right now I care and I even called and left a message last nite that I would normally not hurt but I did and it reminded me of the past but I like being her friend… so anyway I ahven’t heard from her… and I feel scared she will not be my friend again… and I feel angry and I feel embarassed that I even care if she will be my friend again or not… I feel like a loser and kinda manly which I feel scared and ashamed of but also makes me feel strong and powerful and now I feel a huh come out because it kind of feels good to feel strong and powerful although I feel shame in my tummy and what if it was ok to feel like I a man even though I feel in terror of it right now and that feels like eyes staring blankly ahead and chest pressed and tightness in my mouth… and maybe part of me wants to feel like a man and is now laughing witha big bruahhhahahah sound and I love that part of me even though it is weird and I give it a big hug right now and it looks so cute this little girl giving a hug to a big red devil looking creature and that is cute and now the devil loooking creature is playing with my hair and it feels scary and cool and I kind of feel turned off by the devil creature but I want to love it him her so I can give it a kiss on the cheek and ask its name and it sayis its name is Ayla of course… because Ayla is my stranger from the toxic men program and she looked nothing like this except now I remember that for a split second she did… and although I feel grossed out it feels like my stomach contracting and my throat tightening that is ok! I love my feelings and I feel so relieved right now I just did a big sigh all by itself and now I feel like smiling… and the girl and Ayla are now skipping through a meadow and that feels embarassing and they are frolicking and it is funnyy but very embarassing and I feel so tight in my upper stomach and my forehead and now I feel like crying and it has passed I ddin’t cry but I felt very angry at my girlfriend for a second and now I feel tightness in my upper throat and a heavy feeling in my face and shoulders… and I feel pressed by this heavy feeling and frustrated because I had thought I turned it around but that is ok it turned icky at the last moment like Rori said it might and now I feel like smiling and I am having little laughs come out and I feel distracted and it’s ok for my throat to feel tight, I love my tight feelings, maybe its because I have a special band around my throat that feels tight when good things are about to happen and that feels like relief and laughing and impressed at my own creativity and I love my tight band and it feels like a rubber circle like the kind you throw on to the stick when youre a toddler and I feel embarassed but maybe it is changing to an inner band and it is ok for it to be tight and part of me wants it to not be tight and now I feel scared good things will nto happen without it being tight… and that is ok… I love it being tight… I love myself without it being tight and maybe it did its job already and good things can now happen even if you relax throat and I love you! And ?I feel you relax you are so brave… I feel smily and proud of myself… and yhes I feel you tightening back up neck but now I know you are just saying hi… hi! and I just leaned back and yawned and I feel tired now which is ok because maybe it’s good to be tired and have a tight throat and now the feeling pulsed up to the top of my head and my neck band is a diamond stellar band that is included in my neck and is very magical… it pulses and tightens but feels very organic… and that is so cool to have a diamond neck band like this I am a star princess with this neck band it is like another sense for me… I want feel blessed to have it… and I now feel very proud and a little aloof but that is ok because star princesses can be like that because they are so cool… and now I am laughing hehe… I feel good and I feel a little worried about feeling down again and that is ok… I am a star princess and I feel worried I have nothing I Want to do but I DO want to read my book and charge my phone… So I will be right back people! I hope to see you guys writing something!!!

  7.  #7alias girl on October 18, 2008 at 1:53 pm

    thanks daria. super cool to read you following your feelings around your body and loving them.that’s my next step. i’ve gotten pretty good at following my feelings. now i want to love them too! i have a date later tonight and ilm worried i’ll make a lot of mistakes or that he’s not really interested in ME but more bc he is new to the city and i could help acclimate him. also i don’t know how to handle the money thing. I WANT a MAN who pays for EVERYTHING in the very beginning. and this guy is unemployed and i know he can afford putt putt but what if he asks me to grab a bite to eat later?Do i offer to pay as some sort of pretending i want to? i donl Lt want to. i don’t even want to offer but this could all be an over reaction to my past of cheap guys. i’m bringing money of course just in case. i mean i’m not going to force him to pay. but if a guy doesnLt pay then i don’t want to date him. my constant theme of i feel selfish keeps coming up over and over again in my life. anytime i want anything from other people. always to do with other people. i feel ok wanting something from myself. also i realize the reason i don’t think i am worthy of a good guy is bc i don’t wake up early in the morning and i’m not constantly on the go. i feel shame about that. i mean i get things done in my own time and i do fun things and i don’t over sleep its just my life looks different than the norm and i feelgreat shame about that but i don’ t want to change some of these things so i just avoid relationship so i can avoid being judged.

  8.  #8Daria on October 18, 2008 at 2:10 pm

    oh my gosh… i totally understand alias girl!

    as far as them not paying… I had Big issues with this one too but so far have been handling them well… if HE ASKS to go eat then he pays… don’t say anything… assume he will pay… if it feels awkward and you feel brave… say you feel weird… or don’t say anything… if he asks you to pay… then you could say i feel weird I don’t like paying…(maybe you will still pay depending on what happens)
    guys know they are supposed to pay (for a feminine woman) and they will “get it together” if you call them on it… I am still practicing enforcing the “I don’t drive to men” thingy and a couple of guys first said “whoa” and then they said they understood…

    Remember its kind of about practicing getting used to (and loving) your uncomfortable feelings…

    And I so know what you mean about getting up because I find myself feeling frustrated when I don’t wake up early! AnD I don’t if I go to sleep late which I do. Remember there is no norm… my life looks different from the norm too trust me… and I have dealt with lots of unemployed and unelployable guys and always didn’t want to focus on money or be materialistic… but now I do for the fun of it and because I want to feel that I CAN have it if I want to and feel powerful…

  9.  #9Daria on October 18, 2008 at 2:16 pm

    HAVE FUN I want to hear how it goes!

  10.  #10Rori Raye on October 18, 2008 at 6:56 pm

    Okay – quick here for Alias Girl – echoing Daria’s support – you are dating for practice. That’s it. Plain and simple. Practice and FUN. This is supposed to STRETCH you, and stretching is uncomfortable.

    What this is all about is learning to RECEIVE. Therefore, you don’t offer to do ANYTHING!! You tolerate your misery and guilt at feeling selfish and not offering – but you practice NOT offering – for the practice, and for tracking your feelings through the experience.

    Just because he’s unemployed doesn’t mean he’s not a man. And ESPECIALLY if he’s unemployed, he will treasure you for respecting him and allowing him to pay for whatever he suggests doing. If he asks you flat out to pony up – say you’ll be happy to, but that it feels more like a friend thing to go “dutch” and you’ve sort of started noticing that you tend to feel a little weird romantically when you pay – but that you enjoy being with him, and you respect his point of view that both of you chipping in is a good thing, and so you’re willing to try it – (I watched a rerun of Sex And The City last nite, where Carrie called her date, invited him to join her for the movie right now (after he’d given her a bunch of times the movie was playing that day) – and when he got there, in about a minute, she already had the tickets in her hand. He said he’d buy the candy…and they were fine…but that was TV.

    Just do what feels right in the moment, and then adjust and try something else next time if the results afterward don’t feel good. EXPERIMENT! and RECEIVE!!

  11.  #11alias girl on October 18, 2008 at 9:26 pm

    wow. i just wrote this whole long thing and it disappeared. ok. meant to be that way i guess. thank you guys for the support. thank you rori. i totally let him pay. i didn’t even make the fake reach for my wallet. and that felt really good. to me paying is a sign, a way to distinguish between the rowers and the non rowers and to weed out t he non rowing. it felt really good. if every man is a messenger then the message i got tonight was i am worthy. i do not need to settle for a sex only thing when i really want a relationship (i think this guy is just looking for sex. i could be wrong but who knows time will tell. he said he wanted to see me again. i said i’d like that even though well all the reasons i wrote in my comment that accidentally deleted itself…too young. also i didn’t use a ton of feeling messages bc everytime i checked in my whole self was screaming IM BORED. looking back i could have used feeling messages about the air the putter my sweater…other things but i forgot to. i did practice level two listening though. date was successful as practice but he’s not my guy i don’t think and once he finds out i’m not up for the casual sex thing he’ll probably be gone. he’s fifteen yrs younger. my ex was younger but the connection was more equal with my ex. with this guy tonight i just felt like i was in a complrtely different place in all areas. i feel successful. and that feels like a straight spine a puffed up chest fully functioning toes and a normal face. thank you guys. i appreciate the support and this communtiy. 🙂

  12.  #12alias girl on October 18, 2008 at 10:47 pm

    i feel good. adult. capable. competent. i felt so ugh after the date (as i explained in my ultra long comment that dissipated into thin air) who ends a date at 8:30 at night if you’re really digging on each other? exactly. maybe i won’t see him again. or maybe i will just to see how that feels and to know for sure and to practice some more. who knows maybe he won’t call. i just know that by practicing all these rori tools and experimenting i am really starting to feel powerful and also like things that used to be confusing are oh so clear now. so i like this journey. i like living this way better than my old way bc i feel alive and in the moment and like it’s exciting bc who knows what might happen and also bc my dreams seem possible. the only part that’s kind icky are the intense bad feelings when they come up. but at least i can follow them around and love them and in the end is good. more power. more aliveness. thanks for your cooment daria. yes i will just accept and love my odd idiosynchratic life and i guess i’l just have to pick a man that feels good about being king to a quirky queen! i feel very content. like a cat in front of a window sunning him self with a ray of sunshine shinig thru.

  13.  #13Daria on October 19, 2008 at 12:19 am

    yay… very pretty cat image! I am glad you let him pay! Keep practicing feeling messages… I have been practicing that for a year now and at first I was unable to say ANYTHING because I kept thinking ONLY feeling messages… now it really is like second nature and it doesn’t feel awkward very much at all…

    I got a call from this guy i met online and talked to once before… he’s definitely a good guy so at first I was getting the boring vibes… but now i leaned back and there were A LOT of LONG silences… instead of awkward though everything went super well… I actually feel turned on by this guy and he thinks I am the woman for him… he loved everything about me and I really opened up and even told him about my past relationships – so scary… so he really likes me and I like him (even though he is ready to settle down and I feel scared)!

    Right after that I got a call from one of my ex who was immature in the past but it felt so good to hear his voice… he sometimes has such a positive happy energy and makes me feel fun! This is someone who always used to ask me to come to him and hang out with him and his friends (which I did not really like to do and so kinda stopped doing). He would complain if I didn’t and etc… I actually would lose the 4 rules and even yelled at him attacking him and blaming (I was amply provoked) which normally I do not ever do to guys, instead my pattern was that I go quiet. I like him… I feel nervous about talking to him but I feel a smile that he has called me and the energy he sent out to me.

    Rori any help on guys that seem to “only want sex?” I get these vibes often like I posted before but on one hand I think I am projecting on the guy or maybe not communicating my boundary clearly…

  14.  #14alias girl on October 19, 2008 at 1:46 am

    i feel sad. blurry eyes from welled tear. i love my tears. they show me how sensitive i am. i am so lucky to be sensitive. some people can’t feel anything. i am so lucky. thank you tears. i feel a tight throat. tight face. tears. i feel my toes. i love it when i can feel my toes. i don’t know why i’m crying. i feel confused? which feels like too high an altitude in my head. i feel lonely. i feel a ball of terror near my heart that is almost always with me . sometimes more sometimes less. tears clenched butt. i just got up to go blow my nose and came back and now i feel like a drama queen. much ado. i just thought of my father. i feel rage. that feels like a huge surge of energy in my chest. like i am ready to fight. just thought of my boss. oh ok.. whatever. i feel my heartbeat in my throat. i feel strength in my hands. i feel i have the most fierce vagina in the land and there’s a wicked army of warriors hidden in there if anybody dares to take me on. i feel courageous. rebel without a cause. i feel mean and judgemental. humbled. scolded. bowed head. i feel crazy arguing with myself. what does crazy feel like? like a spinning top in my mind. a crazy tongue. i feel neutral. just in my body. good. way better. i’ll stop before i judge myself. i love myself. all parts. the crazy. the rageful. the embarrassed. the superior. the lonely. and of course the cute funny strong chick. i feel a smile. i feel happy tears. how sweet. how sweet i am sometimees underneath all the layers of protection. hey daria i love your comment. that is so super fun and exciting!

  15.  #15Daria on October 19, 2008 at 1:51 am

    feels like smiling!! love your comment too– soo creative and cool! I am so glad that we are both on here and working this together… and everyone else too!

  16.  #16Rori Raye on October 19, 2008 at 11:17 am

    Alias Girl – That’s the WHY of Circular Dating. Thes guys are all around, they’ll circulate through your life, don’t distinguish them, just keep having fun, going out, listening, practicing. See what happens – don’t try to MAKE it happen. Love, Rori

  17.  #17Rori Raye on October 19, 2008 at 11:20 am

    So – here’s a new way to look at this – so WHAT if they “only want sex”? What’s wrong with them wanting sex? As long as they don’t push you when you say No – (and here’s you’re chance to prepare and experiment with new ways to say “No” – and experience what it feels like). You can make out with a guy for an hour, say no to sex, smile, and walk off without a thought in your head about it. I mean this totally. Love, Rori

  18.  #18alias girl on October 19, 2008 at 2:56 pm

    i don’t understand. i feel a need to distinguish them high quality as distinguished from low quality. i feel confused. i don’t want to date men who are ONLY interested in sex with me. i can practice on first dates. maybe second but if i get clarity they are Only interested in sex then i feel shut down repulsed and angry and i don’t want to be around rhem pretending i am enjoying their company.of course i want a man who wants to have sex with me. but not if that is it. if i get the sense it has nothing to do with Me. the guy just wants to have sex. with me and a lot of other women.i feel UNINTERESTED. and since i am a man magnet i can go find other men to date and practice on that have an interst in ME as a human being. who enjoys my company. vice versa. i feel defensive. i don’t want to argue my boundaries. i respect your point of view. maybe i am misunderstanding. i feel threatened by the idea of betraying myself on a hot button issue for me. i don’t want people to be angry at me.

  19.  #19alias girl on October 19, 2008 at 3:01 pm

    also on reflecyion with this guy i went out withh last night. after the date i wasn’t attracted to him. at all. didn’t want to kiss him. also i am confused bc if i am sexually attracted to a guy and i continue to date him and he knows he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with anybody then i don’t want to get all emotionally wrapped up in him. i’d rather move on to a more avail guy who is more in line with my dreams. i’ve done the waiting hoping game my whole life. and even if i’m circular dating i’d still be secretly waiting hoping on unavail man. i want an available man who wants a relationship who i am sexually attraceted to vice versa. am i missing something ror

  20.  #20Daria on October 19, 2008 at 3:52 pm

    “even if i’m circular dating i’d still be secretly waiting hoping on unavail man. i want an available man who wants a relationship who i am sexually attraceted to vice versa. am i missing something ror”

    Yes I see myself doing this but less as I am dating more and more guys… I am findind more and more guys sexually attractive because I am more turned on… also although as I’m sure everyone’s seen, I can get desperate about a guy but now it seems to last only a few days at most instead of the months it used to before…

    Rori I feel kind of down that certain guys are pushing for sex… yes I am making out with them for an hour smiling and leaving… but I feel that I am missing a certain something that would lead them to want to talk to me more about me, themselves, or just connecting on an intellectual level… or is it them that is missing something… or neither…

    what you wrote was already helpful “so what if they just want sex? what’s wrong with this?”

    Please if you can tell us more on this topic… =)

  21.  #21alias girl on October 19, 2008 at 6:48 pm

    i want my five qualified contenders. heehee. i don’t want the sex only guys. other people can put them in their rotation. i don’t want them.

  22.  #22alias girl on October 19, 2008 at 7:16 pm

    i mean. is the idea to just circular date with any clown that asks? i have criteria; no addicts, preferably non smoker but negotiable, must be single,must want to pay for dates. must be lookinf for more than just a piece of my ass. i feel very threatened. i feel defensive. this is a big issue for me. i can set criteria. even if the whole world and every expert an commenter in the world advises me to date sex only guys i can do what’s best for me. no sex only guys for alais girls. i actually feel happy this came up bc i’ve been so wimpy with this boundary in the past and it has gotten me nowhere. it’s like dating a married guy. results = pain and time wasted and self betrayal.

  23.  #23Rori Raye on October 20, 2008 at 11:49 pm

    Whoa – okay – first things first.

    If it doesn’t feel GOOD – get away from there. That covers everything you ask. If he turns you off physically, but he’s nice and kind and you enjoy his company – that’s one thing. If you feel crappy about yourself in his presence for even a short bit of time – get out of there and don’t see him again.

    You ONLY Circular Date with men who make YOU feel GOOD. That’s the whole point.

    Feeling slightly bored is not the same as not feeling good. If you’re bored – look for the “message” this guy showed up with.

    Now – here’s what’s missing:

    Scenario – a guy wants only sex, that’s what he’s saying sort of, or what you pick up. Instead of stuffing down your feelings, and tolerating being with him, you say:

    “I’m feeling really uncomfortable. I’m feeling like a sex object here, and sometimes that makes me feel good. Now I just feel icky – I’m going to go home now.” And you get a cab and go.

    So – what did you learn from this “date”? You learned how to say your truth. Without anger. You said your truth and left. If you go through this once, my bet is you’ll never have to go through it again.

    If you’re going through it over and over, let me know if you’re speaking your truth and leaving. If not – that’s the missing piece for you,..

    Alias Girl – you’re coming from a place of feeling at men’s mercy. And that’s totally understandable from the feelings inside you and your history. What we’re trying to do here is help you heal by taking baby steps.

    Just know that when you sense your fear and upset and anger – it’s not necessarily about what is actually, really happening in front of you. You can say your truth and leave. And once you do it, even a tiny bit, you’ll start to feel stronger.

    I have my own story. I was attacked once by a stranger in a horrible way, and for several years after that, I simply felt afraid. If a man looked at me in a certain way, I felt terror.

    Sometimes I did stupid things to try to overcome those feelings. I took chances to try to master them. And sometimes I plodded along and just literally FLED when I felt scared.

    I saw danger where there was no danger, and ignored danger when it was staring me in the face.

    It took me a long, long time – with “help” that was not help (story for another time) – to settle down into myself and into reality and learn to find reality pleasurable and safe. I slowly unfolded myself and became happy. I learned how to sink through my fears when they come up, and my anger, too.

    What works most quickly and easily and painlessly is to slowly “bump up” against the feelings that are living stuffed inside you.

    That means slowly bumping up against men, however you find them, and slowly bumping up against your deepest feelings by learning to speak the feelings you CAN feel. This could look like “I feel scared.” “I feel offended.”

    I know this is a lot, and you’ll have to experiment, and what Peter Levine calls “pendulating.” – I’ll write more about all this in a post.

    Just keep following your feelings when they’re good, and moving away from what feels bad.

    Love, Rori

  24.  #24Daria on October 21, 2008 at 1:16 am

    Yay… new feeling to be able to speak “I feel offended!”

    I didnt’ know how to express “insulted” or “disrespected” because it seemed about what he did… although now I think even those sound ok…

  25.  #25alias girl on October 21, 2008 at 2:16 am

    thank you rori. thank you for sharing your experience and thank you for being you. i can say something like i feel shut down/unsettled. i don’t want to develop relationships based solely on my sexuality. i am looking for a long term partnership to share my entire life with not just my sex life. thank you for a nice evening. good night. NEXT. i want to start dating more. just for practice like you suggest. i get why they don’t need to be perfect suitors. i just need to practice. each situation gives me an opportunity to hone my skills. i get what you mean now by free therapy(MODERN SIREN i think) i’m getting it slowly. i feel so uncomfortable with these men. esp if they like me and i don’t like them. that’s why i like the unavail guys i guess. bc i don’t feel threatened by someone getting too close. i do not seem very good at tolerating closeness. unless it goes at a very slow pace. but with the unavail guys there was only just one gear – unavail. which worked fine while i was warming up to them but then was frustrating when it stopped ther and i was feeling safe enough to go further. maybe with new skills i am learnging i can just slow down the pace with the avail guys in the beginning so that when i finally feel safe they’ll be right there ready to proceed. not just standing still grinding the unavail gear going nowhere for all eternity. reshi you sound like you are doing better! baby steps. gentlenss with self. godesses godesses all. everywhere a queen. deserving of her king. xoxo

  26.  #26alias girl on October 21, 2008 at 2:28 am

    I ONLY circular date with guys who make me FEEL GOOD. ok. that’s my new main criteria. forget cute, sexy. is he king material- blah blah. NO. New main criteria are : does he make me feel good? does he pay for dates? is he interested in something more than just sex (though ok i see now how i can let them in the rotation. i’m getting it. i’m getting it.) i’m going to come out of my cage and start circular dating. woohoo.

  27.  #27Rori Raye on October 21, 2008 at 2:01 pm

    Alias Girl – YES!! Yes, Yes, YES!!!

    You have it now!

    I’m going to post this answer, because it’s going long. Look for the link here in the comments

  28.  #28alias girl on October 21, 2008 at 6:20 pm

    whoa. ok. whole different ball game now. now that I am letting more men throw their hat in the ring. whoa! I bet I’ll have dates lined up in NO TIME! Still freaks me out when guys come on too strong or too excited. Ugh. Even after I express my discomfort. but hey who can blame them right? They are just excited to date me!!! hee hee.

    Alias Girl criteria:
    does he make me feel good? does he pay for dates? is he interested in something more than just sex?

    ok, then let’s go on a date!!!!

    Seriously, I’m going to need a cheat sheet just to keep their names and facts straight. Esp since they’ll be rotating.

  29.  #29gina on October 21, 2008 at 10:09 pm

    Hi Rori,
    Thank you so much for all your valuable help – my relationships have changed for the better becuase of you! However , I am in a strange situation. There’s a guy I love, but he’s emotionally unavailable and he lives across the country. We are not even in touch. I’ve seen him when he’s visited, but he let me know he just wants to sleep with me and I let him know I want a secure relationship with a good guy. He ultimately decided to “respect” me by backing off entirely. Well, his best friend, who is married, has begun text messaging me constantly recently. We have conversations that basically go on throughout the day. We click really well, and I love getting to practice communicating with a man that I am actually attracted to, but who I’m not trying to create a relationship with. But as I read your posts directed at women trying to hold their marriage together, I feel guilty having a semi-intimate relationship with this man. I’ve made it clear that I do not want to be a part of anything I couldn’t openly tell his wife about, and he is saying that we can either stay away from eachother, or we can stay in close contact and be “closet lovers” – people who would be together under different circumstances, but, since we can’t, we’ll just have a sort of fantasy going on beneath our friendship. I do enjoy communicating with him, and I sincerely hope he could become a better man to his wife as a result of our connection – is this possible?

  30.  #30Rori Raye on October 22, 2008 at 12:00 pm

    Gina – NO. It’s not possible. Stop talking to this man right now.

    Never, never, never spend one moment of your time with a married man. Never.

    It compromises everything you believe in and WANT on a core level, and it absolutely makes it impossible for you to be available emotionally for a real man who really wants you.

    Cut yourself loose from this self-destroying pattern of unavailable men and start Circular Dating.

    Love, Rori

  31.  #31alias girl on October 22, 2008 at 3:58 pm

    circular dating is the way to go me thinks. i feel way less desperate. i feel the value of my real estate just wnet way up. i feel empowered to stick to my boundaries because i don’t need to worry if the cute guy i am having an imaginary relationship is going to drop a few crumbs into my cage. first off i am probably not in my cage i am probably out on a date either with myself or a man who is interested in treating me nice. second who needs crumbs when i now have a whole buffet to choose from of men who want to treat me good. puhlease. who needs the imaginary relatinoship with the unavail withholding man? not i. i have enough REAL STUFF GOING ON NOW. real feelings. real dates. real prospects. real baby steps towards change.

  32.  #32gina on October 22, 2008 at 6:41 pm

    Thank you very much for responding Rori. I will stop talking with him immediately.

  33.  #33Leila on March 27, 2009 at 6:07 pm

    Thanks for all your help. I am involved w/a man we love each other are monogamous but he works Hard & we only make love 1 or 2 times a week, I want more sex and more adventure in bed. He lives 1 hour away and calls every other day, but wants an email from me daily. I want more sex making out signs of affection and seeing each other more. I am going nuts. Advice, please. I am very fit and healthy, he is overworked and under laid. We are both nearing 60, I am already retired.

  34.  #34InLove on April 6, 2009 at 11:44 am

    Hi, I just want to ask about a similar situation. I’m only 20. My boyfriend and I have been together for over a year and half and the last time we had sex was… probably a month ago. Both of us love each other, and we live together (and have done since about 9 months ago), well we have separate bedrooms and live with three other boys. We are moving into a flat on our own with two bedrooms (because I was unhappy sharing a bedroom completely) in a couple of months. We are happy together most of the time, he is very affectionate lots of hugs, kisses, feeling my boobs and bum lots, talks to me lots through phonecalls and texts. We have problems with two things.

    The first is him needing space which we’ve mostly managed to sort and are well on the way to making fine, as he has now learned to actually tell me when he needs space and I appreciate that honesty because we do spend a lot of time together in his room – which he says should be solved next year when we have our own flat and a different rooms we can spend time together in, so if we need a little space we can go to a different room to surf the net (the bedroom) or to watch telly (the living room). Just now it seems that I can sense when he wants space but he denies it, then eventually admits to it (tonight he said that he’d rather go on the walk alone as he wanted some space), and so encourage this honesty and give him his space. This helps me to know that the space is not needed because I did something wrong, that it is because he just needs space. And now I can use this time to do some coursework and relax. Although this evenings walk irritates me slightly because I have spent the whole weekend with my mother as she was visiting only sleeping in his room at night (as she was in my room), and yesterday he went hillwalking all day with his friend. Hopefully he will let me know what caused this need for space at some point soon.

    The other problem, is sex. Hence this post. Like I mentioned he’s very caring and does everything other than anything related to his penis. I used to try to entice him when we were lying in bed by playing with it and it would get hard (therefor he was aroused) but he would not want to do anything. I have now, after much deliberation decided to just try coping without sex until we can talk about this (it’s talking about it that’s difficult). Any other time I’ve tried talking to him he will tell me he has a low libido and just does not need sex. And I’ve started not even encouraging it when he does get hard for fear of rejection. I also don’t like the thought that we can only have sex when HE wants to… what about my needs, and how can I get him to want to have sex with me. I please myself when I get too turned on. But it makes me feel ugly when my boyfriend doesn’t want to have sex with me. Even after he gives me signs, and tells me, of how attracted he is to me (he loves it when I’m naked and hugs/passionately kisses me and fondles me. He makes me feel good that way).

    There was one time he was playing videogames and I was feeling frisky so offered a FREE blowjob (if there is such a thing)… and yet I was stilled turned down, even though all he was doing was playing games.

    We can both be busy or tired when it comes to bed time, but all we really do is I lie on his bed and watch whatever is on the telly while he sits at his computer and “stumbles” on the internet… He will give me attention and I don’t feel totally neglected, except for in the intercourse department.

    I don’t believe he is gay, and understand that sex isn’t everything. I just wish I understood why he only gets horny every now and then and it seems to be random. I used to have a high sex drive which has died a little, although I can turn myself on quite easily.

    When we do have sex it is AMAZING! And that is the other part of the reason I want to have it more. I have tried putting on sexy lingerie and all sorts. But to me it just seems he’s more interested in videogames/movies/tv/books, than in actual sex.

    I don’t want it to be an issue, but it’s the only thing stopping me seeing a life with him, because I don’t know if I can cope without sex. I don’t plan on breaking up with him over it.

    I was just wondering if there is anything I can do to encourage sex, or even to have a conversation with him about my needs for sex. I’ve read of other females getting their men to have sex with them even when THEY don’t want it, and I feel my man should want to do this for me. Please help me find a way of asking for sex without sounding desperate or unappreciative or non-understanding of his low libido.

    Sorry this is so long… x

  35.  #35Rori Raye on April 6, 2009 at 12:52 pm

    Dear InLove – Welcome, and I’m going to turn your question into a post with my answer…

  36.  #36Uschi on September 6, 2009 at 3:02 pm

    I wonder if your husband is a Capricorn. Capricorns withdraw and have a hard time making love when they feel wronged or after fighting. There is a lot to be said about birth-signs and a lot of the things they say is true. Read Linda Goodman’s Love Signs book and look up your sign combined with his. Aside from Rori giving really good advice here I feel that is something you should look into because it does give a lot of insight. Each sign has its own characteristics and you need to take into account his ascendant. That is why it is so important to know the exact time and place of when a person is born because the ascendant has a lot to do with that persons personality and ascendants change every 4 min. Remember astrology is a 4000+ year old science (even though many wouldn’t call it that) and it takes 26000 years for the stars to be again where they were the moment a person was born. And, I hate to say it there is a lot of math involved and one should work with the stars and not look for future predictions. Astrology can in general predict what is good for a person but it is better to work with the starts then against them. Meaning if it isn’t a good time to start something legal don’t, wait till the starts are more favorable. Anyway I think a good astrologer can tell you a lot more a person and give you some more insight. I feel that would help right along with what Rory is teaching. So check what sign your husband is and then get that book from Linda Goodman and read up on it. But also read what Rori is saying. I have just started to read this blog because I just can’t afford her books and CD’s yet and I got a little bit though I still need to start doing what she is recommending. That is going to be the hard part cause it scares me and I am having the same problem as you do and he wants out of the relationship and I want to keep him.