Romance Yourself And Bring Him IN

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Romance is a skill and a talent – and it requires effort – so Romance is a “boy” thing.  That’s why it feels so awful to us when it’s not coming at us, and we’re left to try to think of how to do romance ourselves.

So – try this – write out and imagine what you can do to be romantic for YOURSELF (forget about him).

Use your boy energy to create as much romance around yourself as possible – just flood your girl self with romantic ways to dress, to put on makeup, listen to music that makes you feel romantic about YOU.

Ways to walk, to dance in your living room by yourself, belly dancing, whatever makes you feel romantic.

Clean out your drawers so your bedroom feels as Romantic as possible – every time you’re in it, every time you sink into the bed, every time you even think about your bedroom.

Make your kitchen Romantic – the foods you like, the cleanliness level you feel romantic about – cozy and messy, or crystal clear – colors and shapes.

Walk around your entire environment, your work space, your closet, your desk – and declutter NOT to get “organized” – but to fill your space with things that Romance YOU!

Just like everything else in the Rori Raye Toolbox, getting into the space you want to be, feeling what you want to feel, following those good feelings and impulses, works to bring a man IN to your Romantic space.  And when he gets there – he WANTS to be there.  It feels good to HIM, because it feels good to YOU.

And you didn’t have to TELL him anything!

I’m going to do this today right along with you – let’s all get our “boy energy” in gear to service our “girl energy” – and remember to continually switch hats – that will look like – use your boy energy to decide what to tackle, make a list if you like, and go into ACTION to begin moving things, sorting things, putting the music on, running the bath, buying the perfume… then, use your girl energy to FEEL your way through it.

In other words – I want you to FEEL what feels Romantic, and to instinctively DO what FEELS GOOD.

Just keep going like this.  Get moving with your boy energy, get thinking, deciding, arranging – and use your girl energy to FEEL Romantic while you’re doing it.

It’s a great way to practice switching hats, and a great way to get a terrific result for yourself.

Let me know how it works for you, and how it effects your love life, perhaps the man and relationship you may be in right now.  Let me know if he starts to feel compelled to get romantic WITH you.

I know this works for me…so let’s do this together.  (I’m going to tackle my drawers, my closet, my makeup and my music this weekend, and dance for myself…yeah, well as much of this as FEELS GOOD…)

Love, Rori

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  1.  #1Reshi on November 28, 2008 at 7:11 pm

    Last night I was up until 4am doing exactly this. I cleaned, rearranged, and beautified my childhood bedroom that I’ve moved back into. It’s *beginning* to feel romantic.

    When I last lived there, it was a horribly messy room that I only went into to sleep and play video games. *I* was a horrible mess and I kept my feelings stuffed down inside as deep as possible. I worked for hours to exorcise all that stagnant, icky energy and it felt great. My sister came in around 3:30 am and freaked out because the room looked so utterly different. And I couldn’t believe how well I slept and how good it felt to wake up there.

    There’s still more work to do. I’m going to turn that little room into the perfect writer’s studio, just make it completely gorgeous and sexy and dedicated to what I want. And then we’ll see what manifests for me.

    I was talking to my dad and he said all kinds of things similar to what Rori says. I asked if he thought I’d ever get married again and he said “if you make something of yourself, and keep your mind positive and confident, it could happen sooner than you think.”

    And I am also furious, livid, because I got wind of some things my husband was doing online. Just spent today feeling that rage and trying to Flip it, over and over again. I find I can only Flip if I give it 100% focus, otherwise I just end up stewing in the rage or depression or whatever it is.

  2.  #2alias girl on November 28, 2008 at 8:33 pm

    that’s awesome reshi about your making your enviornment beautiful and supportive for you. and i hear you on being triggered with the rage thing. omg. totally. i have INTENSE rage sometimes when it comes to a man withholding or rejecting or being cold or manipulative. (all these same words could totally be used to describe me in relation to a man i like) only with the men i like does the risk become so great that all of a sudden i feel like i am trying to out manuever him so he will be the one to have to step up and claim me in a very strong and glant and confident way and i don’t make it easy for them. bc they start with their f ing tests and trying to see how much i like them and holding back and withdrawing. 🙁 omg i feel sad. i’ve tried it both ways. i’ve been open about liking aguy. didn’t keep him around. i’ve been vulnerable. didn’t keep him around. 🙁 it seems it’s one extreme or the other. i’m either completely disinterested and the guy is texting me and phoning me all over the place even after i tell him forget. (guy from yesterday ugh. ) or i’ve got the sex only guy that really likes me but blah blah blah mother issues or who knows what their fing problems are. i feel so anry. wow. this is not how i thought this comment was going to go at all. i thought it was just going to be a quick note to reshi.
    i feel so angry. people in general seem quite lame for the most part. 🙁 it’s hard being so great. i am kidding. well a little bit. i feel angry. i feel angry that i gave this ahole from online another chance and then it occurred to me. he wants sex only. but ONLINE. omg. he doesn’t even want anything real AT ALL. Oh except when he asked when i was going to stop by his work for a drink. puhlase as if. yeah that sounds just too enticing to go to a scummy bar when i don’t even drink or like bars and you can steal from the company and give me a drink so you don’t even have to pay for it and then maybe i can watch you work? omg can i come over later an watch you wax your surfboard too you fing douchebag.
    and so somebody please tell me why igave this guy the time of day today when he emails me two weeks later (or more?) and wants me to send him a pix. i could just vomit. the rage insid e me is so intense it feels like violence. like a violent strom all kicked up inside and now i’m all hot temperature wise ani feel like i could bend stell with my bare hands. he’s the loser and now i end up feeling like the loser. how did that happen. vengefully i hope he emails me one more time just so i can tell him NOT to email me ever again. i know that sounds childish i don’t care. i feel sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo angry. and all those o s just made me laugh. i love me angry. i love that i now know my value is more than just sex and i don’t have to settle for that or turn a loser into a winner. i love my clarity. i love my anger and my rage bc really my rage has something pretty big to tell me and it’s usually fo my own best interests. i feel strong. i feel intelligent. i feel fierce and i love my fierceness. and i love that being in touch with my feelings allows me to be soft once the storm passes. bc i love my softnes. and i know men love it too. great combo. fiercenss mixed with softnenss. i have more male attention than i have ever had in my life. men who want to DATE me.
    i so do not need to be giving this come to my work guy the time of day. zero in the rotaion is better than that jackoff.
    i’m fierce. don’t f with me.
    AND YES I CAN BE FIRECE AND ROMANTIC TOO. AND ALSO FIERCELLY ROMANTIC. i loved this post today. very much. babystep by babystep life is really turning into something quite delicious. i love my sensuality. i love my willingness to feel and accept and process ALL my feelings. i love me. xo!

  3.  #3alias girl on November 28, 2008 at 8:43 pm

    ok. still though. this being all romantic on myself and with myself and for myself of course will bring a guy in and of course he will want to stay once we make ourselves fabulous and non clingy and non desparate and all soft and romanc tic for ourselves. but i still want to knwo if this will bring in a guy who wants to be ROMANTIC for and with me? or at the end of this whole breadcrumb trail do i just get to love myself alot and play boy and girl to myself and live in a bubble with myself and have men crashing on my shore. I WANT A MAN WHO ROWS DAMNIT. i want i manly man that ADORES me(even though i am an extremely imperfect human). but a man who loves me loves me and wants to be silly and romantic and cooperative as a team. is my being romantic withmyself going to somehow have the osmosis effect and i won’t even need to have a conversation or anything about me REQUIRING romance in my duh romantic relationship? forgive. my fury. it is residual from my current storm that is still brewing inside me.

  4.  #4Erika on November 28, 2008 at 8:54 pm

    well, I am sitting in front of a beautiful fire that I built, drinking a lovely glass of Zinfandel that I poured, and soon to go in the hot tub and soak under the stars. I feel blessed. and I feel so fortunate to have come through the dark times and now LOVE men so so much. I blogged about it earlier this week cuz I felt so happy. My cup runneth over. Thank you God for taking care of me through thick and thin 🙂 and thank you Rori for the wonderful suggestions about how to feel even more romantic.

  5.  #5Reshi on November 28, 2008 at 9:38 pm

    Wow Alias Girl, your rage is so powerful I felt it burn me from here! Like a refining fire, purifying the molten gold of my heart. 🙂 and I agree, zero in the rotation is better than a douchebag. The only guy in my rotation consistently asks me out at the last minute–like, for the SAME DAY–and he’s just such a pain in the ass, I blow him off. My dad said I’m going to need 6 months to a year to get my head on straight and until that happens, I’m only going to attract losers. Well hey, I can use the losers as a litmus test to gauge where I’m at.

    I think as far as dating I’ll only consent to see men who will romance me better than I romance myself. And that should keep me out of trouble until the divorce is final. 😉

    Erika, I find you so inspiring. You remind me of myself when I was young and celibate–except that you actually have self-esteem, self-love, and self-determination! I can’t wait until I’m in the same place you are.

  6.  #6Daria on November 28, 2008 at 11:08 pm

    Hi guys… im getting ready to go out and dance with some of my girls! I went to dance class today and felt good after having a rough morning of things not going my way with the cell phone company… I felt so frustrated and noticed my mind wanting to think about it over and over and keep going back to why it’s awful… I now have started to practice imagining that things are going the best way for me and every moment is just how I want it… which is really fun especially during the moments when it’s easy to do it…

  7.  #7alias girl on November 29, 2008 at 12:41 am

    i am so grateful to be able to read other people’s process on this blog. to witness as we all become stronger, more self loving. yes, reishi, the men who are coming at me are an interesting litmus test of where i’m at as well. i’m not sorry they are all mega triggering me. good. the more i get intensely triggered the more i can process that old crap out and get to a new normal of easierness. where when someone steps on my toe it’s just a person stepping on my toe and doesn’t have me reeling into some inetense emotion from who knows what. so good. let these extreme situations keep coming at me. so i will not be a pscho maniac when my real guy shows up and blow the whole thing apart with my over reactions. i used to avoid people all together bc i couldn’t handle being triggered. i couldn’t handle all the emotions that came up. i didn’t really take care of myself that well in the presence of other people. now i have rori’s tools and i feel ok taking more chances and experimenting more.

    and me too daria. i get stuck in a negative loop sometimes and i have to force myself to get back into a positive state of mind instead of running it over and over again in my mind. sometimes when i journal my feelings out / riff i can sort of turn it around and get back on track with it. but sometimes i just need to tell myself stop. (like rori says JUST STOP) and think about puppy faces or something.

    i feel so good. mmm that feels like a smirky smile on my face. and squinty eyes from my cheeks smiling. and even a little chuckle. i feel an deepinhale of breath. i feel safe and cared for. and that almost feels like tears behind my eyes. i feel like my hair should be petted. (?) my vagina says hello. my vagina feels like singing. my vagina actually feels like having a guest. ah well. sorry ni not tonight. i feel silly. and healthy with happy toes and clarity. like i am a blue lake so appetizing you want to jump in. i feel like if i was a dog i’d want to chew on a chew bone right now and run around a field barking or maybe catch a frisbee in my mouth. i feel so exposed writing all this on rori’s blog. oh well. what’s a little nakedness. it won’t kill me. just the opposite actually. it might just open up my life and dreams and help me feel more alive than ever. i love me.

  8.  #8Erika on November 29, 2008 at 1:29 am

    although … I came very close to breaking celibacy the other night 😉

  9.  #9Amit on November 29, 2008 at 3:44 am

    Great post =]
    Keep up the good work.

    If you are interested, I would like to exchange links with you.

    Check out my new Love blog:

  10.  #10Caj13 on November 29, 2008 at 3:46 am

    Wow – I am so dazzled by your anger and rage! Admirative, drooling even, and probably envious as well. Not allowing my anger is probably my biggest issue. Even though I now know (only recently tho’) with my brain that anger is there to affirm my identity and I CAN’t survive without it, I’m still struggling with accepting that and feeling the rage. One of the (mind-) things that keep me back is that I DON’t WANT anything I get as a result of anger. And I know I’m not alone – Many other women have this prejudice. From my family background, anger for me is like
    nuclear war, a tsunami – there would just be nothing left worth having and no one to share it with anyway.

    But with some very precious help, I finally realized yesterday that ANGER IS NOT ABOUT BEING MEAN, DESTRUCTION OR FORCING PEOPLE! This is sooo comforting, encouraging. ANGER IS ABOUT ASSERTING WHO I AM and defending myself. I’m finally getting there, in the tiniest of test baby steps, and have high hopes that I won’t be needing vicariously the splendid displays of fireworks and black devouring maws you so graciously share with us here.


  11.  #11Caj13 on November 29, 2008 at 4:14 am

    Back to subject – romance. I recently posted some suggestions in response to Alias Girl about how to have it known that you’re into romantic stuff. She came back that she didn’t want to have to hint – and rightly so, hints and indirect ‘communication’ don’t get anything we want to be understood through. I was afraid what I said might be taken that way and hoped the example of the girl that had unknowingly got the wrong message out would better illustrate what I meant. She knew her guy could “do romantic” – he’d told her about stuff he’d enjoyed doing for others. But she realized she’d said things that he misinterpreted or he generalized to mean she didn’t go for romantic herself. She had kept herself back from expressing her pleasure in such things and from reacting positively to things that were offered. I would guess she was not indulging her romantic tastes just for herself either, maybe afraid to appear ‘too girly’ or weepy/wimpy.

    Re Rori’s post. If you’re living romantic in your sensitivities, projecting romantic in your style, it stands to reason that you’re going to pull in the guys who are attracted by that aura because that’s how they like doing things for a woman. They would naturally feel that their efforts in that department would be welcomed and appreciated. Of course, some clueless guys will still show up, but freely exposing your romantic side might at least spare you a few who won’t go there.

  12.  #12Erika on November 29, 2008 at 7:47 am

    hi Caj13,

    What great points about communicating to a guy your preferences. The main thing is not to tell him what to do, which doesn’t honor his autonomy.

    One thing that can work wonders is third person stories, where you express your preferences by telling a story of something that happened to another woman and expressing whether that is something you would enjoy or not. Of course tone is key. It can’t be a disguised attempt to get him to do something or he’ll pick up on it.

    Your comment helped me get in touch with something else though — having a blog is helping me tremendously with this. The guys I date read it, and they learn by reading my posts how turned on I get by men being chivalrous and men being men. They are getting it through my pure self-expression without my having to say anything to them. They also get how much I love men, so they feel safe around me. Kinda cool. 🙂

    Also, like you, I grew up in a family where anger was a disaster … because it wasn’t expressed as the pure emotion but rather as attack, criticism, blame, and judgment. So painful. It is SUCH a blessing to have found ways (like the ones Rori teaches) to express anger without attacking self or others, and transform it ultimately into love.

    – Erika from

  13.  #13Daria on November 29, 2008 at 6:49 pm

    In this week’s soap opera drama of Passion and Illicit Desires…jk =)…:

    I am Absolutely lusting for a very close friend of my ex. My ex was horrible to me… yet I feel it’s wrong to hurt him this way. I don’t want to be horrible back, yet maybe this is my subconscious way of trying to get away from him. Who cares. I really want to do sexual stuff with this guy. LOL. I am feeling trapped. What do you guys think… fulfill my desires, or…not and keep the “honorable” role.

    My ex won’t be in town until a month from now, I have been holding back until then so that he wouldn’t think we were sneaking around behind his back. I did let him know I am finding his friend attractive, and am considering becoming sexually involved. UGH! I feel trapped…

    I feel scared that my ex won’t like me anymore. Which I shouldn’t care about because like I said he was horrible to me. Won’t get into details, but I don’t think you guys would want to date him. He says he still loves me. He has his romantic part. I hope he turns into a good person eventually, then I would want to still date him. I think I have still been dating him mostly because I am afraid of him. But really I haven’t seen him in person for about a year and a half.

    His friend I am not going to kid myself or you about. I previously felt like we could have a relationship, until we both found out the mother of his first child is pregnant. When I found out this I didn’t want to ask him to move out from living with her, because I felt guilty to ask him to leave when they are having (another) child. So I distanced myself. He cried and begged for me but didn’t step up. Which is ok. We are friends, now not so close since we have this strong attraction. I want to explore my sexuality and therefore I would like to go with this attraction, although I am aware that it doesnt “look” like relationship material and therefore could be dangerous. I could hold out for more I suppose. But I don’t want to hold out. I have been reading this Mama Gena book about fulfilling our desires, even if they are not traditional. I want to practice that with this man. I feel strongly sexually attracted to him and would like to act on that… but the guilt about my ex holds me back. It’s not even the guilt about his child – I feel that is up to him. I know he is not commited to this woman, and I feel justified in my part by not pushing for a relationship with him when I could have. This situation sounds like “drama.” Sorry. Life is messy sometimes, and that is ok. I feel guilty and ashamed and gross for judiging myself as “drama” and assuming you guys will too… that is a form of beating myself up I guess. Not imagining the best. The thing is, I can’t get a good picture of what I want… some of what comes up is my ex saying it is ok for me to get involved with his friend… which he kind of did… yet after that in the convo he said that if I haven’t yet to wait (for him to come back). Maybe I want my ex to turn into a trustworthy guy I can love – because I have kind of given up on that. Maybe I want my ex to go away out my life, although I feel a little sad about that I also feel freed. I hate my ex – I feel so much anger towards him! I feel shaky right now typing about it. I want him to be good and honorable and have given him plenty breaks and excuses over the years, which I now know was the wrong approach. I want to somehow feel empowered to feel like it’s the Right thing to do to fulfill my desires. That feels like my eyes lighting up and excitement coursing through me.

    This is reminding me of a time when I felt panicked because I was feeling attracted to the man of a very close friend. I did not act on those feelings to my joy now and they eventually after a few months faded into friendship. Thank you DARIA and GOD for that. This is similar in a way because it would hurt someone else, but my ex nowhere close deserves the respect my friend did.

    I feel shaky inside. I feel excited and weird. I love this feeling, I feel good. I feel motivated and like jumping up and twirling. I feel so weird. LOL.

    Any ideas on how to feel free to do what I want? I feel terrified my ex is going to attack me or hate me. Which he might do anyway right now, since I have already told him how I am feeling, and he hasn’t contacted me since (he usually calls me even when I don’t answer). Well something I’ve learned from this man is that he loves himself, and I have learned how to love myself too. Except I also love others. I am not a narcissistic asshole who is really in need of love. That is how I look at my ex. Like a baby prince, regal and self-involved, and yet so immature that it hurts to hurt him. UFF… I guess I am dealing with a big knot of issues and feelings. And that is ok. I love that I am strong enought to have these feelings and look at them so honestly. I love that I have this blog to put them up on for public scrutiny. I feel tightness in my stomach and it feels like excitement, it feels good! I feel shaky and tight in my mouth and shoulders. I feel nervous and excited! Sooo weird. I love feeling this way, it feels like this sometimes when a guy likes me. Maybe I am having “the tingles.” I love myself and my tingles. I love my doubts too. I love all of me. I am so cool. My life is soooo interesting and that feels like smiling, it feels like more tightness in mystomach and coursing up through me, tightening my chest and making me smile! I feel so proud of myself and smug! I feel scared of being judged. I feel ashamed of my life too. And I love that part of me too. That feels like sighing, like releasing some tension from my chest. It feels like frowning, then smiling again. I feel like I am laughing and playing and running around in circles until I am tired.

    I would love you guys’ help on feeling empowered…

  14.  #14alias girl on November 29, 2008 at 11:18 pm

    hey daria. who’s to say what is ultimately th best decision for someone to make in their life? only th person leading it can truly know their heart’s desires. but all the words you wrote in your post lay out what you truly want and what other forces are at work here. maybe you are similar to when i kept mentioning the married guy with a wife in a different country. i didn’t really want to be with that guy. it wasn’t like he was some dream man and etc etc. no. i was just lonely. and tired of waiting for the good guys to show up plus i liked the attention. plus who deosn’t want to have good sex. but it didn’t take long for me to realize that situation did not hold what i was TRULY looking for. what would TRULY SATISFY me.

    but people have to come to their own decisions about things. so i don’t want to give advice. but I’ll offer my opinion. it sounds like a potentially hurtful situation to YOU. yes to his babys mama and yes to your ex blah blah. but mostly to YOU. that would be my main concern and focus in responding to this situation. but i support whateverdecision you choose to make bc everyone gets to lead their own life. that’s the whole fun of this whole thing.

  15.  #15Reshi on November 29, 2008 at 11:47 pm

    My girlfriend took me out to a movie tonight after I finished moving another carload of stuff out of my house, and I felt romanced in a way…lol…and I realized I could start taking myself out to movies and romance myself that way.

    Daria, your ex’s friend sounds awful…a man who gets one woman pregnant and wants to sleep with another one right away…but if it really would feel good to make him a one-night stand then go for it. Just keep in mind there are two different kinds of feeling good. There’s the feeling good in the moment and then feeling disgusted with yourself later…and then there’s a kind of feeling good that’s empowering and makes you feel stronger afterwward. There’s listening to the voice of your mind or your genitals, and then there’s listening to the deep inner voice of your intuition. And only you would know where you stand on this.

    also, you haven’t said whether he’s coming toward you, pursuing you for sex or a relationship. If he isn’t then the question is moot. That’s my $0.02.

  16.  #16Becca on November 30, 2008 at 12:34 am

    I agree with Reshi on this Daria. It’s about YOUR boundaries and what you are comfortable with.

    I feel kinda ick right now. Kind of weird. I felt really angry and avoided earlier as I IM’d my ex (I know I shouldn’t have initiated!) and he has been so hot and cold lately. When I spoke to him almost 2 weeks ago he seemed keen to catch up but then didn’t call me. He messaged me last weekend saying sorry for not calling and that he had been busy, but then this week nothing. Thus me feeling avoided. Then I decided to visit a friend (who I originally met through the ex) who I haven’t seen since the breakup (almost 5 months ago) and soon after the ex showed up. And I felt awkward. Because I still feel love for him and miss him but maybe my feeling are beginning to fade a little… I just feel that I am sick of all this bs. One week we get along ok and have fun (I say ok cos there is still a barrier between us that i can feel) and then there is no contact for weeks. I am moving interstate in 2 months time for work so I am trying to give up on wanting him though it is so hard. I am so confused by his actions (does this mean he is confused and doesn’t know what he wants too??). I am sure that he is still single. I feel sad now… I feel salty tears welling in my eyes… how can I still love my ex when he acts like this… I can’t just turn off those feelings though I will move on if I have to… I miss us… It feels like and ache in my heart and a lump in my throat that I can’t swallow… It feels like my world is ending and beginning at the same time… and I can’t help comparing other men with him, and they are different and I don’t want different, I want him. It really looks like this will not happen though. So I know I have to move on but why does it feel so hard to me? I feel strong sometimes but right now I feel weak. I wish he was here to hold me but he is not, and so I feel so sad.

    Reshi you are soooo strong girl! I admire you so much for having the courage to move on like that, esp after so long. I was only with my ex 2 and a half years and I am still pining after him, I feel so tragic right now. I think I might go eat icecream and watch tv, that would feel better than this.


  17.  #17Daria on November 30, 2008 at 1:01 am

    oh you guys, thank you for your help! Alias Girl you are right, it is a dangerous situation for ME!

    Reshi thank you for your help too… I haven’t said anything but I feel excited and happy seeing you make these big changes in your life! It feels so inspiring!

    And yes you are right… this man is not coming towards me 100%… yet he does initiate texts and wants to meet and, while he didn’t respond too well when I insisted he drive to me (well he didn’t have a car lol), whenever I contact me he responds immediately and takes the lead, seems absolutely ecstatic that I have contacted him, almost as if he has spent the whole time wishing that I would give him a hint that I like him… it does feel flattering. Yesterday night I had had a few drinks and felt like contacting him, he immediately drove (yes he drove) to see me he had a rental car. He also drove long distances with me to get me something I wanted and asked to initiate sex with me several times… to which I responded No and he respected this without pressuring me. I want to have soemthing sexual with this man… this feeling and situation has been progressing for a few months now, and I have been telling myself that definitely “in the future” I will…

    He is only one man in my rotation and I am definitely not hung up on him (right now). Lol. However soemthing tells me there is something bigger for me to learn/heal for myself here (probably having to do with the terror I feel for my ex, or my allowing myself what I want for a change, or expanding my sexuality).

    Becca I really feel for you and your situation. Maybe try riffing? Hugs…

    I really feel scared of being judged by you guys now that I have shared the details of the above story… I feel ashamed and don’t want you to think I am “messy” or a floozy… lol. These are my judgements about myself I see. I love my messiness and my flooziness, my ability to be slutty and I love the part of me that is judgemental and uptight too. A part of me doesn’t want to be slutty and that is ok. I am not slutty. And if I were I love the part of myself that is. I love the part of me that is scared of judgements. And part of me wants to feel secure and I love that part of me also. I feel ashamed that I judge other women this way also. And I love my shame. I feel ashamed that sometimes I feel superior to others after I judge them. And part of me feels reassured by that. And I love those parts of me. Part of me wants to feel reassured from the inside, without having to compare myself to others and judge. And I love that part of me too. That feels like smiling. It feels like good relaxing feelings, like I feel reassured already. I am feeling relaxed. I am happy and will now go to the process where I think up what I want to happen and how I will feel and say thank you.

    And thank you Rori.

  18.  #18alias girl on November 30, 2008 at 1:07 am

    rori’s way of life and imagining is really starting to take hols of me. i just had this great image come to me. it’s the image of me under a shower head a really soft sprinkler. i didn’t really picture myself naked or this whole thing sexual but i suppose it could go either way denpending how you wanted to use the image. but it’s me under this reall soft water coming thru the sprinkler head and the water is LOVE and it’s sprinkling on me and soaking me and misting me and misting misting out out and it’s all LOVE and of course men want to get near me who wouldn’t want to be in the misty sprinkler zone of LOVE.

    anyway it’s just a take on rori’s images and also someone had contributed about the sparkling bubbles and this one just was clear to me. oh yes. this is what she (rori)means. i feel this is great progress for me that this is what my mind is coming up with spontaneously in it’s free time. it’s not like i was thinking about trying to come up with this. it just popped into my head. i think it is a clear sign. of what? i don’t know. that i am shifting into a better groove. ahhhhhh i feel good. i feel really good.

  19.  #19alias girl on November 30, 2008 at 1:30 am

    oh and when i was out today i totally wanted to take myself out to a nice restaurant but then it didn’t really work out and it was so crowded everywhere and i let myself be okay with it since i hadn’t planned a dinner date for tonight with myself. but i can see how intimidating it is to be a man.where to go. will she like it? do i really want to shell out the money for a dinner when i can eat cheaper somewhere else.

    so i decided my first dinner date will be planned and it will NOT be on a saturday night and it will be somewhere i am pretty sure I will like and i want to dress nice for it bc that is part of the fun of date night for me.

    i can take myself to casual places to eat but not really nice places. but i am going to break through that barrier. it’s hard being a boy. it’s so easy to be a girl. but whatever boys like things hard that’s why they chose to be boys. girls like things easy. i mean i like my challenges but not the same way as a boy. and even being half man as i am i still don’t like the challenges of being a boy.

  20.  #20alias girl on November 30, 2008 at 1:41 am

    daria. i admire you for being brave enough to confront yourself with your truth of the matter and the situation and posting it on rori’s blog because you are seeking your truth and you are seeking your happiness and love for yourself and what actions will bring you closer to your goals and dreams and NOBODY can fault you for that. you will find your truth and your bliss. 🙂

  21.  #21alias girl on November 30, 2008 at 2:42 am

    ok i just can’t leave it alone. but then i don’t want to get all pruney in this mist of love so i can turn off the mist. and reach for my clean warm fluffy oversized yummy towels of LOVE and thne pat my self dry with LOVE. pat pat pat. each with looove. then i can make a cup of cocoa mixed with LOVE. and sip on my cup of cocoa/love and ingest goodness. and what if the air feels good like rori says. WHAT IF IT’S GOOD TO FEEL GOOD? Ok i’ll stop overcommenting now and go to sleep.

  22.  #22Reshi on November 30, 2008 at 9:53 am

    Becca, believe me, I have my moments of pining after my ex. Sometimes my mind goes off running to strategize ways to “make him fall in love with me again.” Sometimes my mind goes off running thinking about how he’s probably having sex with another woman RIGHT NOW and they’re laughing together at what a fool I am. And VERY frequently I get all these awful feelings, all this heartache, all this remorse, all this guilt, all this rage. I have to keep bringing my mind back to ME and MY life and what I want, like it’s a runaway dog. I have to make sure that when I’m feeling bad, I Riff it out right away and don’t keep carrying that with me…and that can get to feeling like I’m Riffing all fucking day.

    Daria, I don’t want to make you feel like a floozy…lol…take my advice with a huge grain of salt, Reshi is a big prude you know. And if he’s just one of many and you aren’t hung up on him…man I wonder what it would be like to have sex with someone and not be hung up on him…never had that experience, I’m hung up on someone after a kiss, if I’m attracted to him at all.

    I’m really not so brave, I’m making a new life for myself because I am backed into a corner and have no choice. If I was really brave I think I would have left a year ago. But now I get to find out what I’m really made of, and see if I can’t FIND courage and strength. I always seem to find courage and strength when I’m backed into a corner…then when I’m safe and loved and protected I seem to decline, to retreat into a shell. And that almost certainly makes a man fall out of love. The challenge is holding on to my strength while I let a man protect and love me.

  23.  #23Daria on November 30, 2008 at 1:02 pm

    Dear Reshi!

    I know exactly what you mean about finding courage when you’re in a corner, and then it seems to decline! Don’t worry I think that’s everybody, definitely is me too! But right now you are very courageous, and in fact you have been this whole time I remember how hard you worked to get here. And you look very courageous to all of us I am sure. You are inspiring!

    PS thank you for the floozy comment. I know you are a sexual Goddess and not so prude unless you want to be and express that part of your goddess self. I too get hung up on a man when I have sex… again this is probably all of us except for when we are in Rockstar status. So that is most of the reason I want to experiment. I think it would be fun to have rockstar status and I want to see if I can do it… so I am definitely walking the line for heartbreak, but I feel like I am doing pretty well this time…

    Anyway I am not worried about that man today… I don’t feel like calling him and since he hasn’t called me (he texts and my phone screen is broken so I can’t see it – LOL)… I am going out to enjoy the sunshine.

    Here something bothering me… I read on a certain website that seemed very thorough… that women self pleasuring ourselves to orgasm lowers our life force… and that has been stuck in my head ever since. I can’t seem to prove to myself that it is or not true, but I always feel like I might be harming my health by doing this… I can give the website, but man it would feel good to find out it’s not true.! What a thorn in the side of pleasure.

  24.  #24Daria on November 30, 2008 at 1:04 pm

    Alias girl you are not overcommenting. I have that role covered! Lol! Anyway I’m sure theres enough space in cyberspace for us to write entire journals on here. And I love your comment. I really love when you said that you are patting yourself with towels of love. Pat Pat. you are so CUTE! Thank you for your comments it’s lovely to see when someone is in the swing of practicing love.

  25.  #25Daria on November 30, 2008 at 5:18 pm


    I feel tired. I feel bored. I can think of nothing to do that would feel good that doesn’t involve a man. I actually called a man today and I still feel bored. Not worse but not better. I feel dragged down. That feels like hunched over shoulders, like droopy sides of mouth. I love my shoulders and my mouth sides. That feels like my mouth sides lifting up and hmph noises. That feels like breathing a deep breath. That feels like sinking into sadness. It feels like my shoulders hunching over again. It feels like disappointment from my men. And that feels like hunched shoulders and droopy sides of mouth. I love my hunched shoulders and droopy sides of mouth. And that feels like smiling again, it feels like smiling harder. And I feel a tighness in my chest. I love my chest tightness. I love my hunched shoulders. It feels like they are hunched again and my sides of my mouth are dropping again. That feels disappointment. It feels like annoyance of going round in circles. It feels like weakness. That feels like hunched shoulders and sighs through my nose. I love my sighs through my nose. I love my hunched shoulders. I love my droopy sides of mouth. And my tight feeling tummy. I feel angry. I feel angry my life feels so boring. I feel like going to sleep hoping that I will dream something better. Something more fun where men are not sick with conjunctivitis, and where I don’t have to call them to talk to them. I feel ashamed. I feel ashamed of myself for calling. And that feels like tight forearms, it feels like breathing out my nose in sighs like exasperation, it feels like the corners of my mouth are down. I feel dragged down by my arms, like some creature from the lagoon is dragging me down into the swamp. And I am letting myself get dragged and that feels like crying. I feel like small sobs and no tears. I love my small sobs, my tearless sobs. They are so romantic. I love my droopy shoulders. I love my tense mouth corners. I feel gross. I feel disappointed. I feel like just laying back here… I feel so disappointed with the men in my life. I feel like a heavy heavy puddle of disappointment. I love my feeling like a puddle. I love my disappointment. And that feels like a light bittersweet smile. I love my smile. I love my loneliness. I love my voices yelling that I am not doing any better than before. That feels like my eyes wanting to close. I love my closing eyes. It feels like my mouth sides are weighed down, as if there were heavy diamonds attached to them. I love my drooping mouth sides. That feels like them lifting a little bit. And I love the tightness in my forehead. I love the heaviness in my shoulders. I love the tightness in my chin and mouth. I feel pulses in me. I love my pulses. I feel like I cannot tolerate these spinning sad feelings. And I love myself. I know I can tolerate them. I love my feelings. I love ]feeling sad and I feel OUTraged that I feel sad. I want to be happy, and I love that part of me too. I feel like I am my stranger, gray and lifeless. And I love her and me. I Want to give her a rose. She takes the rose and holds it down. She feels curious and sniffs the rose. She smiles and I feel like smiling. She is giving me a box. Inside the box is a diamond ring. I take the ring and put it on. I feel afraid that this means I am engaged to my stranger. I want to feel good about that. Thank you. I love both parts of me. That feels like a big sigh. I give my stranger a hug. Shes smiling. I feel bored still. I can feel the heaviness in my chest. My stranger comes to me. She reaches her bony skeleton finger to my chest. It feels ok. My chest now grows a flower where she touched it. It is a purple flower, which is my favorite color. I can smell the flower when I want to. I feel like smiling. I am starting to feel better, and that feels like laughing. I am laughing and I love my laughter. I pick my stranger up and twirl her. She is laughing too with her yellow tooth skeleton smile. I love her. Thank you. I feel like smiling. My leg feels tingly. I feel like going out and doing something, and that feels like a tightness in my forehead. I feel like sinking again. And I am back. My stranger kisses me on the cheek. That feels weird. It feels soft and sweet. Thank you. I feel a little awkward and shy. I feel tingly in my leg still. I love my tingliness. I love my shyness and awkwardness. And that feels like smiling. I want to feel special today. I feel a little unspecial. I want a massage and attention. I feel like I am not goint to get it, and that feels sad and resigned. I feel like I am always sad and resigned, because I don’t get what I want from other people. From myself yes, but I don’t want massages or attention from myself. That feels sad. I feel sad. I am SUPPOSED to want massages and attention from myself. How boring. That feels like watching a cartoon Bugs bunny yawn. I am yawning too. I love my yawns. I love my confusion. I love my cravings. I feel like smiling. I feel stuck. I love my stuckness. I love the heat in my thigh. I love that my ankles always cross and it feels like I don’t have enough energy. I love my boredom which gives me images of a girl throwing stuff around her room. I love my inner rage. Thank you. I love my throwing stuff. Thank you. I feel like yawning. I love my yawns. I love the fog I feel around my brain when I try to think of something fun to do. I love how I think of hanging out with guys and feel disappointed by my thoughts. I love my thoughts. I love my disappointment. I love how boring readinga book sounds. I love how I want to do addictive behaviors like smoking. I love feeling limp. I love my yawns. I love how I feel mad that this guy who asked me out for today flaked. I love this feeling of boredom. It feels like sitting in the chair in my pjamas. It feels like gross and stickyiness under my shirt. It feels like unwashed skin. I love my grossness stickiness and unwashed skin. It feel like conking out and going to sleep. I love my sleepiness. It feels like limp face, staring out eyes. I love my staring out eyes. I love my limp face. It feel like yawning and I love my yawns too. I feel stuck. I feel much better but not good enough to think of something fun. I feel so disappointed in myself. I love my disappointedness. I feel shaky inside, in my tummy. I feel my energy going to my head, to my thoughts and running around. I am picking up objects to feel them… it feels like too full tummy, closing eyes. It feels like smoothness on my finger. I love my full tummy, my closing eyes. I love my tiredness. I feel like laying down now. I feel like yawning… I love my yawns and my feeling like laying down… I am going to lay down even though a part of me doesn’t want to lay down. I love that part of me too. Apart of me wants to feel energized, excited to go out and do something fun. That part of me wants attention from other people. I love my craving for attention. That feels like being right, like confusion too. I love my confusion and smugness. I love my closing sleepy eyes. I love the part of me that wants to go out too. I am going to lay down…

  26.  #26Bethany on November 30, 2008 at 8:35 pm

    I feel a huge lack of romance in my life. I don’t get any from my guy. He grabs my hand in the car once in a while, and kisses me sometimes, but not really for very long. I feel like giving up. I want to run away. I want to feel like I value myself, because if I don’t, no man can value me, and no man can love me if he can’t value me. I feel as if I have discounted myself for years. I know that I have value, but I don’t know how to appreciate it so that others can. I feel confused about my passion and my purpose. I felt clear last night, that I have a North Star that will guide me to my right path in life. I literally felt like throwing up all weekend, mostly, because I wanted to be home with my family. I felt so clammed up and felt like he was neglecting me. I don’t feel like this is working for me. I don’t want to feel this empty space all the time. I know I run from intimacy because I am uncomfortable in my own skin. I am a beautiful woman with absolutely no self-esteem. I want to feel okay with this. I want to accept that I have no self-esteem. It isn’t there. It’s okay. It’s because of how I was raised, and you know what, I want to be authentically, completely myself. It would feel relieving to be this. I want to know that this shit feeling means I can get to the other side quicker. Why do I feel like anything in my life is not as important? I haven’t wanted to work on my thesis for a LONG time, even before I met this guy, and it doesn’t interest me. I am not interested in my studies and I never have been, so how could I be feeling anyway else?

  27.  #27Reshi on November 30, 2008 at 10:15 pm

    Daria, if anything, I would wager that for a woman, self-pleasuring to orgasm actually INCREASES our life force. Now I’m not a doctor or an expert, I just remember reading about this in a book on Chi Kung that I got a while back. My personal experience definitely bears this out, I feel blissful and energized after an orgasm.

    To my understanding, orgasm only depletes life energy if you are a man–that is why they fall asleep after sex and why Tantric practices teach men to orgasm without ejaculating. That is also why I perhaps ought to have been more understanding of my husband when he did not want to have sex nearly as often as I did. Hindsight = 20/20. I had a talk with him today as we were packing the last of my stuff, it was amusing. I said something along the lines of “Next time, I want a man who doesn’t disappear and stop romancing me the minute after the wedding. What do you suggest I do? Just not be mean when the guy isn’t in the mood for sex?” He was like “Yeah, pretty much.” I was like “OK then.” Apparently, two instances of meanness on my part during the honeymoon completely destroyed any desire on his part to ever do anything romantic for me again–and then of course I had a hundred thousand reactions to the lack of romance, some stuffed-down and sarcastic, some openly belligerent. I can pretty well see how I destroyed the love that we had.

    I’ll be keeping this in mind so that the next deserving guy to come along is better off, and remains able and willing to come toward me and romance me for the rest of our lives. 😉

  28.  #28Becca on November 30, 2008 at 10:44 pm

    I feel scared. I have been hanging out with this guy I used to work with, I have known him for years but had lost contact until a few months ago. I got back in contact after my ex broke up with me (I messaged almost everyone in my phone as I felt there was a big hole in my life) and we have been hanging out once every week or 2 since then. Today he messages me saying “What would you say if I asked you on a real date?” I don’t want to hurt him because he is a really sweet nice guy (and I was even thinking maybe something could happen one day – but in the future) but I am moving interstate in 2 months and don’t want to start anything. I don’t feel ready. Or maybe this is just an excuse. I haven’t really been on a real date since my ex broke up with me… I’ve been “hanging out” with guy friends who seem to “like” me. And I can just hear my friends saying it is just a date, its not like he is asking for commitment or anything. But I still feel scared. Maybe this is because I still have feelings for my ex. Now I have no idea what I want or what to do.

    I feel scared and confused. I feel lonely sometimes. I feel that it would be nice to have someone to share my life with, but scared of getting too attached again. A hug would feel good, maybe even kisses. I want to feel warm and safe and secure. I want to feel loved by someone other than me. But I feel scared and it feels like panic and fear and a lump in my throat. It feels like my stomach being shaken. I love my tight feeling throat and my jumpy stomach. I love my fear and loneliness and needs. I love loving myself but want to feel adored, even though when I can have this I just feel scared. I feel afraid of receiving from men as it has always been me giving giving giving and this feels safe and comfortable as I am used to it. I feel uncomfortable and teary and maybe just a little excited that I can still inspire men to be attracted to me, even though my ex still ignores me and avoids me. I feel worried that I will compare this new guy to my ex and he won’t measure up. I feel scared that I will reject him either now or when I move interstate and he will disappear. I feel worried and scared about losing his friendship. He is a good friend. I want to feel brave and courageous so I can tell him how I really feel and not hurt him but I fear he will be hurt anyway. I feel confused as why he asked me when he knows that I am moving soon.
    I feel that maybe I am not good at Riffing things out yet but reading Daria’s posts really helps with this. Thanks for listening guys!


  29.  #29alias girl on November 30, 2008 at 10:45 pm

    i was in a shop today and they had a box of fake rose petals and i thought oh yes i want those. HOW ROMANTIC! then i thought no no no no no. it’s supposed to be something a man does for a woman. so i put them back. then i thought NO i am not going to keep waiting for a man. i got the rose petals. how freaking sweet! i have so many ideas for them. even when i got home i put a little trail on my bedroom floor and they looked so great. i can sprinkle some on my bed when i feel like it. you wouldn’t think it would make me feel happy bc it’s silly and it’s me doing it for me and then going in later and picking them up. i feel sweet.

    i am going to be the best girlfriend bc i will know exactly what i like and how to already please myself and so whatever little gestures the man makes i can be pleased by bc it won’t be a lifetime of me having waited for HIM. poor sap that would have been.

    and i was researching what restaurant i want to take myself to. i still think that is very hard. that whole restaurant thing. i have sooo much more empathy and compassion for a man now. i am a woman doing it for myself and i feel pressured and a little put out and how do i do it and will i like it and do i want to make the effort and is it worth it. of course my answer comes back yes. which raises my worth and value in my own eyes. thus in the man of my dreams as well. my ex has been on my mind. not sure if bc nobody else is interesting to me or if bc we would make a good pair. i miss the sex. oh well i could have it if i wanted so obviously i miss having a real manly man romantic guy who doesn’t want to lose me more than some emotionally stifled sex only NO ROMANCE whatever.

    i am having fun branching out my own life. taking babysteps into activities i like. actually has kept me pretty busy as well. and i am getting back into good shape. i am enjoying life. even without HIM. in fact sometimes i feel like ilve got bigger things going on than letting my brain fuss about a man who is not even stepping up. i think i will make a good girlfriend. more balanced and not so unhealthily focussed on a man and what he thinks and blah blah. my focus often is now what is this person offering me? i know what i’m bringing to the table. what are they offering. oh a big plate of i can serve him. ick no. a clarity i never had. even in relationships with anyone that are not romantic. i used to be so focussed on what do they think of me. i hope they think i’m nice. well f off people. i am not nice. NICE! nice? no. i am fierce and i am soft. would you like a slice of that bc that is what i am offering. and if all you are offering me is your narcissistic vampiric feed on my energy then i am absolutely 100 % not interested.
    i feel content.

  30.  #30alias girl on November 30, 2008 at 11:01 pm

    becca, great riffing. sometimes too if i have the patience and follow it thru it will morph into the good feelings and that is pretty great. but you did great with following i around your body and then lovingeverything that comes up. yeah daria is really good at it.
    daria in my opinion masturbation is a very healthy expression of sexuality. in fact if men don’t release they can end up with medical problems. i think with the prostate or something.

    reshi you are so brave! and courageous and honest. you’re willingness to go through this moves me.

    caj 13 i like what had you had to say about your relationship to your own anger. i think everyone struglles with how to handle/process thier anger. i mean one look at the world around us tells us this is true. i used to be ashamed of mty anger but since rori has now offered me a way to process thru it and i don’t hurt anyone i don’t lash out at anyone i can truly feel the power behind it and just keep riffing into i really turn it around and then deal with the situation at hand. i think this would be esp important for me with people i truly care about so i do not hurt them in anger and irreprably dmage the love between us. well not the love. you can’t damage love. but the delicate nature of human relationships.

  31.  #31alias girl on December 1, 2008 at 3:24 am

    i have questions. how do i NOT get triggered by someone? ie my boss. i want to cut my emotional ties and unhealthy negative bonding i have to my boss. the thought of him or his voice literally makes me recoil. i feel so disgusted by him his face his hair his manner. everything about him i find disgusting. not bc he is physically a repulsive looking man but bc he is such an ugly unevolved human being which i might sometimes have compassion for if it wasn’t for years of me putting up with his abuse so i can collect a paycheck.i have to go back in to work tomorrow and i feel scared. and i don’t want to have such intense feelingsabout this man. he is such a one cell. i want to feel nothing for him or if i feel anything for him i would want it to be compassion. but honestly i’d rather feel nothing for him.

    i want to know i am true to myself and beautiful. if i were talking outloud pretending i was talking to rori again this is what i would say. i want to be over my family trauma. i am tired of it. i want to be completely healed of it and live the rest of my life whole and healthy and free. i want to spend my time doing satisfying things and having fun and growing in a positive way. not growing in a way a holocaust survivor learns about spirituality by living through hell perpetrated by backward humans.

    the battery on my phone is going to die. i want love to protect me while i am at that job. thank you stacey for providing me with the protection of love and the food of joy for your soul. tomorrow you will go into work and be wonderfully surprised and loved and cared for. your welcome. i love you/me.

  32.  #32Reshi on December 1, 2008 at 9:23 am

    Alias Girl, to not get triggered by your boss, find a new job. You can start putting your resume out there and interviewing now, Circular Dating with jobs! Is there something in you that’s afraid you can’t have anything better than this particular job? Riff on that.

    I don’t see why Rori’s Tools wouldn’t work on non-man-related situations as well. 😉

  33.  #33Daria on December 1, 2008 at 12:56 pm

    Thank you guys for saying I am good at riffing. That feels reassuring. I feel surprised that it works for me, usually in big ways.

    This guy said a weird thing to me last nite. I said: I feel glad I came out tonight. And he said: It’s my energy. Can you feel it? It’s all around me.

    This is probably true. I definitely feel certain guys energy, especially if I am attracted to them. (I am not to this guy, but he likes me). I also hung out “with the guys” including the one guy that I like. I overall feel I did well, he was being a little bit mean to me at first but instead of feeling weird and upset the whole time I felt it and then practiced loving and enjoying the feeling in my body. I also for the first time got what Rori means by turning yourself on in front of him or by yourself. I imagined pleasurable things and could tell how that was opening my body language and melting my resistance and tension. So I spent the whole night flirting with this one guy that is kind of cute. Unfortunately at the end I got bored and felt stuck telling him what I wanted. Anyways the guy I like didn’t seem to mind. He does not get jealous. He may but he hardly realizes it or definitely doesn’t admit it. Well… I feel stuck because I like him. After all this work on myself I still feel stuck on this man that brought me the frustration and desperation to do this research on relationships years ago. That feels disappointing. It feels like tightness in my forehead, and tightness in my solar plexus. It feels like puffed out pouty lips. I love my forehead tightness, my solar plexus, my pouty lips. I feel like I am freefalling in a pit. He has been acting very nice to me lately, after I have done a big favor for him last week. I really like that. He is still not calling me though. He has a girl he likes that he calls his girlfriend. I feel gross. One of my voices said I want him to die. Lol. I do not want him to die, but I love both parts of me. I feel weak. I feel pushed down on my shoulders. I feel like making a point that all the work I am doing on myself is pointless and that I am getting nowhere. Nowhere in my job and nowhere with men. I am no better off than I was before I started. At least I enjoyed the time I spent studying. I enjoyed entertaining the thoughts that a better life is possible for me. But of course it’s not. It’s not because I don’t want it to be. I don’t want it to be because I am not good enough for this man. Because even though I can get 99 men at the snap of my fingers I can’t get the one I want. So who cares. Oh and turning myself on in front of geeks is boring. It is such an effort and I can’t really keep it up. It’s such a difference from the way I feel when a man I like pays me attention. Same difference from pleasuring myself. It feels like I am trying way too hard. It never feels even 10% as good as when a man is touching me. Too bad. Too bad for me. Guess I will never get what I want. And that feels satisfying. It feels like I am getting what I deserve. And that feels numb. It feels like my cheeks are numb and sagging. Like my eyes are staring out unfocused. This is how I feel in my body sometimes when I feel very angry. I love my feelings. That feels like smiling. I feel like if I can just break through this resistance to good stuff I will have my good stuff. I just keep bumping up against… you can’t really have all you want. Life is like that. I mean you can’t have everything for free, what were you thinking. Oh haha. You thought you could have what you Really wanted? no non no, you are only going to have a pretend watered down version of that. If you were going to have the real deal, the real man you wanted, youwould have had him by now. So I think you should resign yourself to mediocrity. That is how the world works. None of the positive thinking, good feeling, imagination thoughts are going to change that. Nothing is going to change that you can’t have what you want. If you had what you wanted, then everybody might be having what they wanted, and we can’t have that. Or else there might be people competing, and how would that be solved. How would it be solved that this guy’s girlfriend probably likes him too, and so do I. Except he likes her. For whatever reason. She hasn’t been around him for 5 years, being his best friend for half of them. She hasn’t put up with drama from his sister. She hasn’t looked out for him and felt happy for him and cared about his wellbeing. She just gets the good stuff. And that feels awful. It feels like crying. I am crying. I guess this is like the first part of the power self esteem series where we make our lists. Now my next step would be to flip. I feel like crying and crying and crying and crying. Like the girl who cried a river and drown the whole world, and though she looks so sad in phoitographs, I absoloutely love her…. when she smiles. Lol. That song feels so sad to me. I am crying a river. I am thankful that I have these tears. I love my tears. I feel ashamed and afraid. I feel worried that Rori is probably exasperated with me, that I was making such great progress and now I am falling back. She has probably given up on me. And I want to give up on myself and a part of me doesn’t. And I love both parts of me. I don’t want to give up on myself. I feel as if I am caged. This would be a good time to open the cage door, like in Modern Siren. Except I feel afraid to open the cage door. I don’t want to go outside, it might feel cold and boring. More boring then my cage. It might be empty out there, with no one else. It might forever confirm that there is nothing out there for me. So I would like to stay here where I am safe. Except maybe I will peek outside. All I see is green mountain grass and a meadow with big orange flowers. I don’t feel like being in a meadow with big orange flowers, although I used to. I feel like going to a party where people will pay me lots of attention and feed my energy like I can’t. I feel ashamed that I don’t know how to feed my own energy. I never have. Bubble baths or blah blah don’t really do it for me. I just feel tacky. Not totally true this. I love myself for letting these icky feelings out on paper. Now I kind of feel energized and good… LOL!

  34.  #34Rori Raye on December 1, 2008 at 1:45 pm

    Yes!!! Circular Dating is all about getting your “boy” energy in gear to SERVE your “girl” energy. In this case – getting your dream job.

    Let your boy do all the legwork to set up interviews, etc – then let your girl sit in the chair, listen to your interviewer, find out what he or she NEEDS, share how you can assist the company, do Passion Stories that will give him or her a real FEEL for the full, tremendous scale of your energy, and RECEIVE the job of your dreams! It works, really, it does. Love, Rori

  35.  #35Rori Raye on December 1, 2008 at 2:00 pm

    Whoa – Erika – What happened? What was so great, and what held you back? Rori

  36.  #36Amit Avital on December 1, 2008 at 2:07 pm

    Hey Rori, Thank you for the comment on my blog.

    You have such a GREAT blog, and we are driving in the same nitch either.

    Keep up on reading my posts, as im sure i will do on yours =]


  37.  #37alias girl on December 1, 2008 at 3:57 pm

    thank you rori and reshi.i want comfortable financially prosperous life. i have my ideal life written in a notebook. mostly it’s about how i feel (safe, loved, surprised, romantic, adored, sexually satisfied with a man, successful, good relationships, a home etc) i honestly only want a different job if it is either more money or doing what i love to do. preferably both. i don’t want to go from bad job to slighlty better job. like going from ick man to less ick man. ew. i don’t know if the circular dating metaphor applies in a way i understand. it’s not like people are running up to me hoping to pay me money for doing what i love to do. it’s not like i have six different opportunities courting me and i get to taste test them all and see which feels the best for me. maybe if i wasn’t so reliant on the income to pay rent it would be different. maybe.

    i want to do my creative work. i want that stuff to start falling into place.

    i want to be happy and like i started out this comment with all those good feelings. it feels so good to be living the life of my dreams and to be supported by patient knowledgable people who help me tread the path that is best for me. i feels exciting to be in environments that feed me and energize me. it feels so healthy and affirming to have money come into my life in an abundant healthy prosperous way. i feel overjoyed that my love life has finallyunfolded into this beautiful precious treasurable wonderful fun roamntic experience. i love to feel loved. i love having fun in life. i love how everything works out in a satisfying way. i am so happy that those old negative voices have gone away and i think postiviely about my life and the present moment and my future.

    i feel wonderful. so free i could float above buildings and like i am laughing and i feel like i am bathed in the light of love. i feel sweet and carefree and cared for and protected. i feel ecstatic that my wildest dreams are coming true. it feels like a fun prank where everybody is on the floor rolling around with laughter after it is finished. i love my new car and my cute clothes and all the cool things money can buy. i love decorating my house. i love feelingike i am of service in my life’s work.

    thank you alais girl. you rock. you so rock because you are a rock star super star.

  38.  #38Daria on December 1, 2008 at 4:47 pm

    Okay I am feeling confused now… I am reading this Mama Gena book and she really has a lot about following your pleasure, but also asking men for what you want… which I really like in a way but at the same time sounds like the opposite of what Rori teaches us. For example she says you might have to call him up and ask him to take you out (the whole time of course you are a goddess and u are assuming that he wants to give you waht you want, and that you might get a “knee-jerk” no but you should have a back up way to ask if this occurs). So basically that women are the subtle leaders of relationships we have to lead men to what we want…

    Now Rori says we hold the vision but he leads…

    Rori what is your take on this?


  39.  #39Bethany on December 1, 2008 at 5:21 pm

    Alias Girl, you should definitely find a new job, but until then, maybe you could use your bad boss’s energy as just one more way to get stronger by flipping the feelings? I don’t know, maybe that would work for you.

    I need to riff about a GIRL this time: I told a mutual friend of my guy and me about an issue I was feeling with him. I thought maybe I shouldn’t, but since she is more my friend than his, and I felt sooooo urgent to talk about it, I felt it was okay, although I didn’t give her too many details. I feel nervous that she might tell him or someone else, if not now then later. I hope not. I feel sooooo guilty for saying anything. I feel guilty for thinking all girls are gossipy and out to get you. I want to feel right and accepting and justified in reaching out to someone. I want to feel that it’s okay to talk about my needs with my girlfriends. I want to trust women. Feeling right about my decision to talk feels scary, because in a way it’s just as scary to trust a girlfriend with your heart as a guy. It feels scary to trust a friend. That feels like my throat convulsing and the tears coming up. I love my tight throat, the blood roaring in my ears. I can feel vulnerable and open myself up to anyone. I can do this because I trust myself, or I intend to trust myself. I was following my feeling and feelings are never wrong. I love my vulnerability. It feels delicate, like a fresh flower that could be easily crushed but it’s gorgeous, and silky, and it tastes sweet, like cherry ice cream. It feels soft and sugary like cotton candy, and I just want to give myself the biggest hug for being able to feel so sweet. But now my shoulders are tense. It’s okay to resist, I accept that, I love my tense shoulders, strong enough to hold me back. Now I feel calmer all of a sudden.

    Romance: it’s fun to daydream about romance. today I had a vision of the man I see myself married to. He’s Brazilian, or South American. I had an imaginary black and white picture album run through my head, of him and me from the neck up, he’s touching my face gently and smiling into my eyes. He is taller than me and has thick hair, and a great, boyish smile. The most romantic part is imagining how I feel with him, his energy coming towards me, accepting me fully and loving me, wanting to protect me and still honor my autonomy. That feels amazing. Wow. I think I could have an orgasm just imagning this man’s masculine, loving acceptance coming at me. Now I see a picture he’s taken of me, I’m lying on soft white sheets, holding our child. I feel womanly and relaxed and loved, and that makes me feel like crying…I want to feel like I deserve this feeling. I choose to hope to believe that I deserve it. Anyway, that’s a fun, romantic activity!

  40.  #40Bethany on December 1, 2008 at 5:28 pm

    Daria, I was totally confused by this too! But I think maybe if you’re feeling “High” vibrationally and having FUN and you first appreciate the man, which lets him know you’re not coming from a place of neediness, then you can ask him for what you want. As long as it’s in a feeling messge…? But it would have to feel really authentic so he doesn’t think you’re trying to manipulate him…maybe? I don’t know for sure.

  41.  #41Daria on December 1, 2008 at 9:20 pm

    Thanks Bethany! I think you’re right! Today I messaged this guy online… It would feel good to hear from you…

    I waited until I was feeling a high vibration to do this. Then he responded positively. He wanted me to show that I like him because he really likes me he says. So we wound up having a long convo about it…

    Then I found myself saying… I feel like going out for a drink! Whatsup? So now we are meeting at a bar to have a drink (first meeting) yay!

  42.  #42Bethany on December 2, 2008 at 12:38 am

    Daria, that’s awesome! Have FUN!!!!!

  43.  #43JP on December 2, 2008 at 5:38 am

    I love this post Rori 🙂

    Just looking at colours and space in my room feels so sensual and lovely.

  44.  #44Cassandra on December 2, 2008 at 2:28 pm

    HI Guys! I have missed being here for these last few days! You guys are all doing so awesome! I am in awe of each of you and how much you guys are moving forward so quickly…YAY!! Reshi…I am so happy for you that you are in such a better place for YOU and loving YOU and taking control of what it is that YOU want….actually that goes for all of you! Very inspiring for me that’s for sure. Daria….YAY for your date!! 🙂 I hope you had a great time!

    I am still feeling really stuck. Charles and I had an amazing Thanksgiving together with his family. He just left for work earlier today and has been home with me since Wed. night. We spent ALL of that time together and we connected on a level that we have not connected on in a very long time. He actually REALLY listened to me and what I was saying – in feeling messages of course – and told me how he felt about some things too which is a huge deal. I am so confused though in that we have gone through some HORRIBLE arguements in the past and he has done some horrible things that have hurt me so deeply but part of me still wants to be with the GOOD part of him and part of me still wants things to work out with us. If it can be how it was these last few days then that IS definitely what i want. I have been so happy and even somewhat relaxed. He has been taking care of me and asking me what I need or want and has been extremely attentive even affectionate toward me. This is a HUGE turnaround. He even apologized for all of the awful things that he said during that last blow-up. He said that he said all of those things out of anger and that he did NOT mean them…this was all WITHOUT me asking him if he meant them…it was all him opening up to me on his own!! I asked him over the course of these last few days how he would feel if I were to begin dating other men once I move out and he immediately said that he would not like that and would not be ok with that at all. I let him know that I felt that it is really unfair for me to have to move out of our home and still have things as they have been with me committed to him because I want to be married one day. He said that he does not want to lose me or not have me in his life and that when I do find a job that pays me what I need to move into my own place that we will revisit me moving again at that time. It made me feel that maybe he really does not want to lose me afterall and I felt an honest glimmer of hope for us…that perhaps he does love me after all.

    In these last few days we have also been given some bad news about my health (I know that I qwill be fine!) and he told me last night that I am not going anywhere until we know for sure that I am ok. That made me feel wonderful…it made me feel that he really wants to take care of me and make sure that I am ok. I know that I will be but it made me feel as though he really does care and that felt wonderful. I have been trying to focus on ME and how I feel at any given moment and on speaking to him in feeling messages and I can’t believe how good things have been but I am afraid that I am not seeing reality. Am I missing something here given what he has done in the past? Am I turning a blind eye or making excuses for him?
    Oh… other thing…he told me that the ONLY reason that he signed up for that site for people who want to have an affair was to see if I was ‘watching’ everything that he was doing – that he never had any intention of having an affair at all but felt that I had been going behind him in everything that he did to ‘spy’ on him so to speak. I was happy that he said he never intended to have an affair – that part made me feel good but the part where he said that he wanted to see if I was ‘watching’ him made me uncomfortable. I asked him in a calm manner if he could understand why I felt that I could not trust him and he said that he did indeed understand. I have not needed to ‘watch’ over him as it is my experience that the truth is ALWAYS revealed and you don’t really even need to do much to find it – it seems to come to you. Am I wrong or missing something? I am really not sure what to think and I don’t want to fall back into an old habit of tolerating behavior that is less than. I am feeling so good about things but also apprehensive because of the things he has done in the past. He has been very supportive about the health issues and even held me last night as we watched TV without me saying a word….that felt wonderful!
    Love and hugs to all….

  45.  #45JP on December 2, 2008 at 4:42 pm

    Cassandra – whatever’s happened in the past, tomorrow is ALWAYS a new day. You sound like you’re feeling better about yourself! I’d say, keep going and just see what happens.

    I’m picking up a bit of ‘figuring out’ going on in-your-head stuff – which is what we’ve all learned to do, but as you know, the feeling and walking-through the tunnel is the way to go, and I’m sure is helping improve things in your relationship.

  46.  #46Cassandra on December 2, 2008 at 5:02 pm

    Thanks JP for your input and you are right…..there is a bit…ok…a whole lot of figuring out going on in my head. I am feeling better about me….for today anyway and that feels good. I don’t feel that panic (maybe a bad choice of words??), anxiety or even fear that I had been feeling even to the degree that for a few weeks I felt almost afraid (again perhaps too strong of a word here??) to leave the house but these last few days I have felt alot better. Charles left to back out on the road earlier and I have been totally fine and doing MY THING all day. JP, I do love this man and in alot of ways I feel as though he is my best friend but then those feelings of ‘what about all that he has done’ come rushing back and there it is again that I find myself feeling stuck all over again. I want to let go and feel safe with him ….I want to feel that I can REALLY let go and enjoy each wonderful moment with him without worrying what he is going to do next that will hurt me so badly that I can’t even move. I want to enjoy the NOW with him and enjoy this beautiful Christmas season. I want to be able to let go and just BE and just enjoy him and our time together and being in our home…..i want to be able to let go and decorate however I want for Christmas without the ‘big move’ hanging over my head…I want to continue to invest in our home and our relationship but I feel scared to let go again and just trust it…..and just BE. How do I get back to the ‘just being’ and not the figuring it all out?

  47.  #47JP on December 3, 2008 at 3:06 am

    Cassandra, your truth may be ‘I don’t know’ – what’s to figure about that? Who knows what unexpected gifts may be around the corner.

    I’m re-reading Byron Katie’s ‘I need Your Love – Is That True?’. It’s a bit more thinky but at leasts it’s thinky about you-ey 🙂 and it’s hitting the button for me since I’ve been doing Rori’s tools etc. JPx

  48.  #48Caj13 on December 3, 2008 at 4:13 am

    Hi Cassandra – I’m so happy to see you back. There is so much new positive emanating from your posts! Allow yourself to feel good about all the goods things that are happening. That’s receiving. That’s trusting in your own feelings (it’s not just about following your intuition about the bad stuff!)
    No need to keep looking under the rug at every turn (that’s an old defensive habit, not following an intuition about a specific feeling). Rejoice in the red carpet unfurling before your eyes.
    And now that you have/want to accept and love your own horrible feelings, you can and will learn to accept and love the “bad” things going on inside your man. That doesn’t mean accept his bad behavior, but it does mean accepting that he can make mistakes, be tempted in his mind by things that will scare him himself or that he wouldn’t be proud of. If he knows you can accept his inner turmoil, he’ll be less likely to ACT it out in order to test you.

    Your own new confidence, ways of expressing yourself and relation to yourself are obviously producing these new effects – don’t put them down to chance or anything else – and you deserve them. Your exchange with Chas. about the affair site demonstrates amazing progress, where you both expressed your authentic concerns and accepted hearing what the other had to say. And I’m sure neither of you could have imagined the conversation would go like that. Your (and his) small voices were telling you things could only be worse than what they seemed, when they were far simpler. The truth indeed will out.

  49.  #49Cassandra on December 3, 2008 at 11:15 am

    Which program do you guys think that I should start with? I have the ebook which I love and of course am doing the tools here but I would like to start with one of Rori’s programs….just don’t know which one to start with. I was thinking Toxic Men or Reconnect and I think that somewhere Rori may have even mentioned one of those to me but I can’t find where that was. LOL Any input?

  50.  #50alias girl on December 3, 2008 at 12:31 pm

    i am so grateful and honored to be able to witness other people go through their process here. it really is amazing. and to see people grow and also the compassion in people’s responses to each other is really teaching me alot. since i don’t have a lot of close girlfriends it is helpful for me to see healthy responses to each other and alos just to read the honesty written.

    btw i had sex with an ex last night. one of the unchoosable ones. similar to daria’s situation with baby mama drama etc. so many circumstantial reasons why i could not or rather would not choose him. it would be a book to tell it all. in fact it just may be a book. heheh.

    anyway it was unplanned and i made the decision and i don’t regret it. i do feel emotionally connected to him again which to be honest is what i wanted. i had just felt so alone and to be with someone i connect with is kind of a gift for me. anyway. i am still completely open to circular dating and developing rockstar status. and finding my good guy to settle down with.

    things aren’t always a straight line or easily categorized. i am learning that by reading other women’s stories. i feel mega vulnerable. argh. not sure why the pirate sound (argh) follows feeling mega vulnerable but it does.

  51.  #51Reshi on December 3, 2008 at 12:33 pm

    I think I recall Rori saying that Reconnect had a lot of the basics that the other programs build on. I started with it and it’s a great program.

  52.  #52Cassandra on December 3, 2008 at 1:27 pm

    Thanks Reshi. Now that you mention it I remember that as well so that is where I will start. 🙂 Alias Girl….it is so awesome that you made a decision based on what YOU wanted and went with it with no regrets. That is huge steps forward. YAY for you!!! 🙂

  53.  #53alias girl on December 4, 2008 at 1:03 am

    thank you for the support cassandra! i still feel good about my decision so i guess it was the right one for me

    i am sorry to hear about your health issues. that sounds like a very frightening situation to face. i can imagine it is bringing up some anxiety. the body is AMAZING though and has a terrific capacity to heal itself. just as in every other area of life miracles exist and happen and things can turn right around. i would try to keep my mind focussed on health rather than disease. you can have all you want in life. You Can. you can have the health you have worked so hard for. i am rooting for you! /d it sounds like you and charles have actually made amazing progress in your communication. congrats. that’s really awesome!

  54.  #54alias girl on December 4, 2008 at 1:15 am

    i just reread this post about romance. i want to get new sheets. actually i want to buy a home but will be happy with new sheets as well. and maybe a new throw blanket. another candle. maybe a nice bracelet. paint my kitchen (rather have a new home than spend more sweat and time fixing this place up)

    get some romantic cds. and a nice comfy HUGE couch. oh i’d love to have a fireplace and a jacuzzi. mmmm. some bubble bath. that sounds so nice. yes this definitely helps with the romance part of the equation bc the guy is going to take his cues from the woman. also if she is vulnerable and accepting about being romantic then it sort of gives him permission. rather than her Not being romantic with herself and just waiting on him to come fill up that bucket.

    we all know the people who will let people treat them bad. not that everybody does treat them bad but most everybody could bc they are sending out those signals. some people are even unconsciously Begging to be treated bad and are even doing things to unintentionally yet purposefully irritate others so they can have the world mirror their self point is we have allmet the sort of woman also who you just know would Never tolerate a certain kind of poor behavior. and she treats herself and those around her with respect.

    men take their cues from us. so it makes sense it would be the same in the romance category.

  55.  #55Cassandra on December 4, 2008 at 9:41 am

    Thanks Guys for your support and love…as always! I do believe that I will beat this as I have been through a whole lot worse with my health in the past so I know that it is NOT my time to go anywhere yet. I am not sure how I know that but I just do. I know that there are things that I am supposed to do before I leave this place. That is one thing that I do feel guilty about in that I know what I am supposed to do but I have not been able to do it becuase I have been focused on things that I want as in being with Charles….being married….having a baby..etc. I know that i have gotten so far off track as far as that is concerned. Oh well..all I can do is try to get back on track and do what I am supposed to do. 🙂 Thanks for all of your encouragement and support…you guys mean so much to me….you just don’t know!!!

    A.G…….I LOVED what you said about the romance thing and all of the things that you want to do! I love that kind of stuff!! I love to decorate and redo stuff!! You are so right though in that the men take their cues from us! They certainly do! I don’t ever want to be one of those women that allows anyone to mistreat her. I know that Charles has done some bad stuff but none of us are perfect and as soon as I can get a job then I can spread my wings and fly……I will be able to do what it is that I want to do for ME. I do want to be with him so much but only if his behavior is right for the long-term….if not then it is HIS loss!

    As for your sheets…try They have awesome stuff there for pretty reasonable prices. I got a beautiful sheet set there a few years ago that was supr expensive in stores but I paid waaaaaaay less than that. Treat yourself…you deserve it! 🙂
    Love and hugs to all…

  56.  #56alias girl on December 4, 2008 at 11:34 am

    oooooooh thanks for the overstock tip! i am totally going to check it out!

    i think you are doin great cassandra. right where you are supposed tobe. if what you want is marriage and kids maybe THAT is what you came here to do? just a thought. 🙂 xo

  57.  #57Cassandra on December 4, 2008 at 1:18 pm

    Thanks A.G.!! I hope you find your sheets!:-) I definitely know that being married to a wonderful man who is also my best friend and having a family is definitely one of the things that I am to do. Some women are wired for career and that is great but I am not Miss Corporate America and have never wanted that for myself. I think that my biggest wants in life are indeed to be married to my best friend and have a family…some people especially some women look down on that because women have worked so hard to get to where they are in the workplace but forget that not all women want that high powered career life….I am one of them. I would be so happy to be able to take care of my husband and my children and our home. That is a job in itself and one that I would love to do each day. I do hope that it happens for me…sometimes I want it so badly with Charles but then again sometimes I wonder if he is REALLY capable of being that family man that I want and need in a marriage. I do hope that it will turn out that way for us – things have been going really well lately so that is good but he still plans on me moving out as soon as I have a good job and of course now with this cancer thing – once I am totally free of all of that. I don’t get it. If you love someone why would you want them to go away? He says that it is because he wants things to be right with us spiritually and that we should not be living together but I did not create this…he did. I did come here to marry him and he was the one to change things. I don’t want to move when I get a job…I really don’t and if I have to …I amnot sure that I would ever be able to come back if we were to marry – I think I would always have that fear of having to leave again for whatever reason. In ay case…thanks for your support AG!
    Love and hugs to you!

  58.  #58JP on December 4, 2008 at 6:48 pm

    I want to backtrack to the FLOOZY comments and say I’m all for floozies. Floozies rock! Floozies can fall in and out of love, ask for what they want, have tantrums and ride on the wonderfully turbulent Ocean of Emotions. It’s a great way to experiment and try out the stuff that eventually blossoms into relationship skills, it’s a School – so form a disorderly queue for enrolment 🙂

  59.  #59Daria on December 5, 2008 at 2:29 am

    Hey JP… thank you for the pro-floozy comment! It sounds awesome that way and made me feel good!

  60.  #60roxy on July 28, 2011 at 2:00 pm

    So am I cleat the difference between boy energy and girl energy is that boy energy is deciding arranging thinking (action orientated) and girl energy is feeling..
    Am I missing something ?