Romance Yourself To Create A Romantic Relationship With A Man

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relationshipIn love, relationship, romance, friendship, and family – I was taught to hold it all in, and then resent what’s going on around me.

And it’s taken all the Tools I’ve created for myself and a fierce desire to be IN my body, to know my own heart, and to connect with people I love to turn that around for myself.

Every moment of every day, when I stand next to my husband, my friends, my co-workers, my family, and especially my daughter, I want – more than anything – to simply BE there.

To just simply be where I am, and then express, out loud, how I feel about what I see and hear and feel. To express the love and appreciation, and yes – anger and fear in my heart in the moment I become aware of it.

And I’ve discovered that with every tiny step I take in this lovely direction I wish to go, my life and all my relationships change dramatically – and instantly.

It’s as though, as I sink into comfort and harmony with who I am and how I feel at every moment – everyone else becomes more comfortable and in harmony with themselves – and then the connection between us becomes almost electric with good feelings.

Here’s a letter from Linda, who’s struggling with things unsaid…

“Dear Rori, I have been in a relationship for the last three years with a man. Everything can be fine one minute and suddenly everything changes over one small thing. We normally get along very good and he has ask me to marry him in the past. I did not marry him because he seems unstable to me. He seems unstable because one sentence or word every six months or so can just throw him and that makes me wonder.

Like one time we had left a party for his daughter from a prior marriage and I made the comment that it was weird spending so much time with his ex-wife’s new in-laws. He immediately asked if I was “going to leave him.”

It is either him leaving me or me leaving him that comes up out of his mouth. Why does leaving constantly come up for him? Does he not remember the past three years and all the wonderful things that have came true in our relationship? Do men not have a memory? Why would one thing bring up leaving so quickly? Is it him or men in general? Is he just looking for a way out? Is there no trust after awhile? Linda”

Here’s my answer:

Linda, the question to ask yourself is – if you would not marry him before because you felt he was unstable, why are you still with him? And instead of asking me what he’s thinking with his bouncing back and forth between him leaving/you leaving – the Rori Raye way to do this would be to talk to HIM.

That means sharing with him, “I don’t know what to say when you talk about leaving…It makes me feel unsettled. I really want a close, intimate, trusting relationship, I want to feel like I can say anything, that we could talk through anything…”

Seems to me if you’ve already rejected him for marriage, he might be feeling insecure and needy. He might feel like something’s wrong with him. Is that how YOU feel? Is this experience that happens every 6 months all that’s bothering you?

Seems to me if you’re not willing to marry him, instead of trying to find out what HE’S thinking, see if you can focus on how YOU feel with him. How do you feel about the level of communication and connection? Have a talk and see what happens.

Telling the truth is always the answer, and saying it in Feeling Messages, with compassion for yourself AND him (and using all the other Tools in my Have The Relationship You Want ebook and programs that will take you step-by-step through this way to talk and BE with your man that will BRING HIM CLOSER instead of pushing him away) could change everything for you – with the most positive results you could dream of!

Love, Rori

Romance Is A Skill And A Talent

…and romancing yourself requires a bit of “boy” effort – so Romance is a “boy” thing.

That’s why it feels so awful to us when it’s not coming at us, and we’re left to try to think of how to do romance ourselves.


Write out and imagine what you can do to be romantic for YOURSELF (forget about him).

Use your boy energy to create as much romance around yourself as possible – just flood your girl self with romantic ways to dress, to put on makeup, listen to music that makes you feel romantic about YOU.

Ways to walk, to dance in your living room by yourself, belly dancing, whatever makes you feel romantic.

Clean out your drawers so your bedroom feels as Romantic as possible – every time you’re in it, every time you sink into the bed, every time you even think about your bedroom.

Make your kitchen Romantic – the foods you like, the cleanliness level you feel romantic about – cozy and messy, or crystal clear – colors and shapes.

Walk around your entire environment, your work space, your closet, your desk – and declutter NOT to get “organized” – but to fill your space with things that Romance YOU!

Just like everything else in the Rori Raye Toolbox, getting into the space you want to be, feeling what you want to feel, following those good feelings and impulses, works to bring a man IN to your Romantic space.  And when he gets there – he WANTS to be there.  It feels good to HIM, because it feels good to YOU.

And you didn’t have to TELL him anything!

I’m going to do this today right along with you – let’s all get our “boy energy” in gear to service our “girl energy” – and remember to continually switch hats – that will look like – use your boy energy to decide what to tackle, make a list if you like, and go into ACTION to begin moving things, sorting things, putting the music on, running the bath, buying the perfume… then, use your girl energy to FEEL your way through it.

In other words – I want you to FEEL what feels Romantic, and to instinctively DO what FEELS GOOD.

Just keep going like this.  Get moving with your boy energy, get thinking, deciding, arranging – and use your girl energy to FEEL Romantic while you’re doing it.

It’s a great way to practice switching hats, and a great way to get a terrific result for yourself.

Let me know how it works for you, and how it effects your love life, perhaps the man and relationship you may be in right now.  Let me know if he starts to feel compelled to get romantic WITH you.

I know this works for me…so let’s do this together.  (I’m going to tackle my drawers, my closet, my makeup and my music this weekend, and dance for myself…yeah, well as much of this as FEELS GOOD…)

Love, Rori

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  1.  #1DE on August 29, 2011 at 7:44 am

    Just what i needed 🙂 Thank u Rori!

  2.  #2Femininewoman on August 29, 2011 at 8:38 am

    Yes thanks.

  3.  #3Wildflower on August 29, 2011 at 9:05 am

    FW–I’ll just reply here to a comment you made on the other post (I think it was #637??). Anyway, to be honest your explanation triggered me a bit. I felt defensive when I read the word “draining.” I guess I don’t want to think that sharing even really strong feelings is more draining and needy than the next person. But I want to feel open. I agree with you that the words we choose are very powerful. I had originally written “killing me” again on the third line when I talked about the thoughts of having been closed up and not vulnerable, and then I changed it to “bugging” me because it felt bad like I was beating myself up too harshly. So I guess I can see where asking others to listen to me say thoughts are “killing me” might feel draining and needy. So thank you for pointing that out.

    I also did start to think about the original comment about some “unmet need.” I’m not sure if I’m fully understanding what you meant by that but for me I did start to realize that for whatever reason I have felt very frightened of ending up alone recently. Without getting in to long winded explanations I’ve been babystepping trying to improve other relationships with my family this past summer– but initially I didn’t know if that would work so I’m sure I looked for men to meet that need (closeness, human contact, someone to talk to, etc) this summer when my dad became very ill. Plus a lot of my friends back home who used to be my “single” friends are now married or coupled off and my NVs sometimes tell me I”ll be alone and they’ll forget about me–even though I know they won’t.

    Soooo long story short what I wanted to tell you was that I’ve realized a priority in my life (along with CDing but I think this actually is the same thing) really needs to be continuing to build open, loving, appreciative relationships with my family and friends as well as use my boy energy to take risks and get out and rebuild or form new social networks. This feels really good to me. It hit me when I was on the treadmill and thinking about your comment. Don’t know if this is what you meant but it brought me to someplace that feels good so thank you 🙂

    Ok that was much longer winded than intended lol 😉

  4.  #4Wildflower on August 29, 2011 at 9:11 am

    BW–I feel inspired that you were able to see the positive and know that you were worthy of a great man and loving life–and also take the steps to get yourself there.

  5.  #5Femininewoman on August 29, 2011 at 9:37 am

    RE 3 Wildlflower to me saying something is “killing me” is a really strong statement. I believe I understand what you are saying but I would encourage you not to use it as a feeling statement. You might feel overwhelmed to the point of giving up but when I someone says something is killing them I sincerely believe that they are slowly killing themselves internally without realizing it.

  6.  #6Plum on August 29, 2011 at 10:53 am


    You wrote to me:
    ***…I rely on Tinque and SLV and you to look out on the blog for upsets I need to step into – and thank you for this….***

    You are welcome, it feels good to be of any help.


  7.  #7Senior Lady Vibe on August 29, 2011 at 10:55 am

    Hello, world. I’m thankful for a “weather event” that turned out to be wonderfully cleansing yet exciting. It was no more than a rainstorm. As rainstorms go, pretty gentle; I’ve experienced much worse. I found a few leaf sprigs on the steps this morning but they were only six or seven inches long…


  8.  #8Ella on August 29, 2011 at 10:55 am

    Hey Sirens,

    So I stayed off FB mainly last night… mainly as I felt triggered. And didn’t chat to new CD on IM.

    Today I went on FB 1st thing this morning. Noticed he was on IM… and signed off shortly after I signed on.

    I went and met my family and had a day out. Mainly was able to stay focused on being in the present and had a fairly nice day.

    Its now evening and I signed back on and the same thing happened.

    Feeling a lil triggered.

    This feels like a do-over of J… but much less and much less triggering. Like a milder version.

    I am sure that means it is geeting healed.

    I remember Daria talking about how some men show up and remind her of past situations she has overcome, and each time he situation happens it gets less and less triggering.

    I mean I feel in no way, shape or form the level of pull that J had…

    What is interesting to me is my tendancy to choose pining etc…

    I am aware of it.

    I loved the Zen habits website that Daria flagged up, and I am going to be working with that and de-cluttering my life as well as slowing down and addressing the drinking.

    And, of course, feeling all the feelings that come up.

    I just feel afraid that there is going to be quite a bit more yukky before we get to good and not drinking etc.

    Thank you for sending me this chance to heal.


  9.  #9Ella on August 29, 2011 at 10:57 am

    Oh, NewCD dropped my friend into work this morning as they work very near each other and her car is broken.

    They are both mutual friends.

    He told her to say hello to me.

    Feels a bit wierd… but nice.

  10.  #10Tmizz on August 29, 2011 at 11:08 am

    “I want you to FEEL what feels Romantic, and to instinctively DO what FEELS GOOD.”


    I was dancing in my kitchen while making breakfast this morning (before I even read this), and I felt so happy! And I still feel good! And I don’t necessarily need a reason to feel good. I can feel good just because. I can enjoy the yummy food and the watermelon with my breakfast, because it’s good. Yummy in my tummy.

    Num, num, num.

    I feel soooooo good. 🙂

    And I hope, when it’s time and I’m ready, that I can be brave and Speak the Truth.

    Thanks, Rori!

  11.  #11Ella on August 29, 2011 at 11:18 am

    Oh, he has just signed back in.

    Do you know what I feel massively relieved.

    Very silly really.

    I have worked out why I ge SOOOOO triggered with these situations.

    It is because I HATE, HATE, HATE the thought that men feel they have to hide from me.

    I know it sounds so silly, and even though I can see him on IM now… and he can see me and he is still not contacting me, I don’t feel bad anymore…

    Because he is not hiding.

    I am not too bothered either way with men atm… I know I am fine and mostly happy no matter what.

    But I get massively triggered if I think they think they have to ‘run’ away from me…

    It makes me feel like this crazy, desperate, psycho woman.

    In fact I quite like having men around where there is something and it is all still open…

    The psycho woman is my stranger… one of them.

    I get so triggered by thinking men actually might feel so uncomfortable with me or I might be so repulsive that they have to run away.

    Makes me feel like ‘eeeek’ and those are the thoughts that get triggered, whether they are true or not.

    Would love to heal this.

    I intend to heal this.

    It is a big trigger for me.

  12.  #12Senior Lady Vibe on August 29, 2011 at 11:26 am

    @610: Ella says:
    “…I feel unsure about how to handle the privacy issue and the worry about guys coming here and reading about me… because beuing completely open and authentic here is one of the main things I love about this place…
    …I don’t want to censor what I say…”

    1)You can use another Rori blog persona and username for some issues. I believe Rori encourages this. This will work as long as sirens don’t…

    “Hey, is that you Ella? Hey, everybody, it’s Ella!!!? LOL 😆

    I might be a little guilty of this because I have in the past given a “special hello” to alter egos although I’m careful not to write out the former username… that would screw you up… I hereafter promise to ignore all resemblances of former “selves.”

    2) Ella says: “…I want to recommend Rori’s work on my website… “

    You could edit your current blog by removing more private material and articles and placing them on a new separate blog. You could recommend Rori from there and also drive traffic to it in ways more appropriate to the content.

    You can have more than one web site or post in more than one place. Rori does. I do. Many of us do. Not everyone has to know everything about the others.

    3)Facebook terms of service allows one primary account but you can add multiple “fan pages.” I’d keep my primary account a small one and only for longtime friends and family. You can create biz/fan page(s) and update them separately from your established personal life.

    You can even create a biz/fan page for “new friends”… CDs… You could call it something like “Ella’s Zumba Dancing-UK” or whatever you wish of course… direct “new friends” there to see the photos but keep them away from your private primary account. You can even “redirect” some current “friends” to more appropriate pages. I’d tell them something such as you’re keeping first one for your mother and family and here’s…. the fun one!

    I hope this helps.


  13.  #13Ella on August 29, 2011 at 11:40 am

    Its cus it is what I used to do when a guy who I did not feel attracted to was into me… I would feel really uncomfortable and think I had to hide…

    Never a chance of just being honest!

    I would run away, hide and play all sorts of games rather than just say I did not feel attracted.

    So these days I feel afraid and paranoid that this is what men will do to me!

  14.  #14Senior Lady Vibe on August 29, 2011 at 12:11 pm

    From previous thread:

    641: Senior Lady Vibe says:

    @494: Rori Raye says:
    “…. I personally don’t like the social media all involved with it – it feels less personal to so many women who don’t want their comments showing up anywhere but here…Love, Rori
    Sunday, 28 August 2011 @ 10:24am.”

    Google and other Internet search engines crawl web sites and our comments show up in the search results if our usernames or our words are searched. So, as you posted, it’s good idea to be careful about using email addresses and other identifiable information if posters want to remain anonymous.

    Our usernames and a few words of our posts appear online in the SERPS (search engine results pages). The Rori post appears when link is clicked and not our comments; however, all comments are attached to posts so they are available if anyone searches the thread or scrolls down.

    I’ve seen my comments on Google from first month
    I was here on blog, October 2010, through August 2011. If you search my username you will see what comes up. Results vary according to time/date and searchers geographic location (by IP number).

    Still, it might be better than the disque system which I believe directly indexes comments. So I vote for staying the same…for now. The system works if we put in post number, username or identifying quote if there is a gap in response.

    We can always change usernames and a generic one such as “Ella” will not show up online as easily as something unique. I guess I didn’t choose as well as “Ella.” Perhaps I’m ready for a reincarnation…


    Monday, 29 August 2011 @ 9:56am

  15.  #15Emoticon on August 29, 2011 at 1:18 pm

    Love it…. this POST feels romantic to me and reminded me of how i kinda sorta redecorated the bathroom in my apartment this weekend. Cheaply too… just one trip to the dollar store. It was great!! Now i need to find my friend and talk to her because I had a very uncomfortable moment in the apartment today with her and her boyfriend fighting. O.O …. not physically but it was pretty intense! I was scared….. I literally ran out to the mall… and got some new makeup 🙂 lol. But yeah i need to find her and speak to her before i go back there

  16.  #16Tmizz on August 29, 2011 at 1:24 pm

    Oh, Ella – I know what you mean about seeing someone sign in and getting triggered by that.

    I get that a lot. Especially with someone who has contacted me in the past, but has “cooled down.”

    I always feel a little jolt of excitement whenever I see their name with a little green dot next to it. And then I can’t help feeling a little disappointed when, knowing full well that they can see me too, they choose not to contact me. And I have no idea why. (Or even if I do know why.)

    As to being signed in when he “might have” been online – you have absolutely NO obligation to be either signed in, or available. Especially since, the way it sounded to me, there was not even any guarantee that he would contact you anyway.

    Now, that could be me, imposing my singular doubt of everyone on the planet ever following through on anything. (Jeez, I really need to work on getting rid of that, don’t I? …) But I still say you do NOT need to follow through on a vague promise that someone made, especially if you don’t particularly feel like it! 🙂

  17.  #17tinque on August 29, 2011 at 1:36 pm

    Hey Everyone – I’m back in the land of the living. Hi Jilly.

    What a difference 50 miles makes. Where SLV got a rainstorm, we were hit pretty hard by the hurricane though it wasn’t as horrible as I thought it might be. Still two days of really strong winds, violent at times, and unbelievable rain, very eerie but cool light storms high up in the atmosphere.

    Fortunately we suffered no damage aside from four feet of water in the basement which is still draining. The power, internet, and hot water just came back after almost two full days. And there are still many road closures as well as not transit. K tried to go to work only to have to turn right around and come home. No complaints here. heehee

    FYI hurricane sex is amazing. Yum, yum, yum…


  18.  #18English Woman on August 29, 2011 at 1:43 pm

    To be able to really and deeply love someone, you first
    need to be able to love yourself!

    Loving yourself can be difficult when you have limiting
    and derogatory messages playing in your head. Most of
    these messages are recorded during childhood, but their
    effects can be far reaching! Did you know that you’re
    still being influenced by the things your parents and friends
    said to you decades ago?

    When someone told you that you were no good, you
    subconsciously believed them. When someone told you
    that you’d never amount to anything, again, you believed
    them. When a childhood friend suggested that you were
    stupid or learning disabled or weird, you believed them…

    And you still believe them to this day – even if you’re not
    consciously aware of these underlying beliefs.

    Is it possible to overcome old messages and replace
    them with new, empowering messages? Yes!

    You can do it the manual way, which I’ve explained for you
    below, OR you can do it the easy way, through the use of
    subliminal videos…
    http://www.Subliminal-Videos .com/loveyourself

    Here are three powerful ways to start:

    * ROMANCE Yourself. Think about the last love affair
    you had? At the beginning you and your partner
    probably devoted a lot of time, attention and affection
    to each other, right? …

    You felt passionate and swept away by the beauty of your
    partner and he/she probably felt the same about you….

    The best way to learn to “love yourself” is to enter into a
    similar process – with yourself! Treat yourself like ROYALTY!
    Do things that make you feel HAPPY. Hug yourself.
    Sweet-talk yourself. Buy yourself nice things. Spend quality
    time with yourself — simply because you deserve it.

    * EXPLORE Your Existing Beliefs. You may ‘suspect’ you have
    ‘old’, limiting messages rattling around in your head but still be
    unsure about what they are exactly…

    To discover the beliefs that are holding you back,
    you may need to go on an expedition! Begin exploring
    your existing beliefs by writing in a journal. Give
    yourself prompts or questions like these:

    “My earliest memory of feeling stupid was . . .” “My mother
    always made me feel . . .” “My father always treated me like…”
    and so on.

    The secret is to ‘think back’ to an earlier time
    in your life and see if you can discover when and where
    your limiting beliefs got started. Then, challenge those
    beliefs. Are they still true? Were they ever true?

    Decide what you WANT to be true, and begin to
    replace the old belief by focusing more on your new
    and improved beliefs.

    * EMPHASIZE Your Good Qualities! When you have low
    self-esteem, you tend to keep focusing on the things that are
    “wrong with you,” and dismissing the amazing things that you
    have going for you. So start to….

    Turn this around by praising and encouraging yourself in your

    When you accomplish something, CONGRATULATE
    yourself! Say things like, “Wow, I’m really proud of
    myself for doing that. It wasn’t easy, but I pushed
    through the rough spots and gave it my best shot.”

    You can also make a point of simply ‘giving yourself’ positive
    self-talk daily. Recite affirmations like these:

    “I am a valuable person. I have a lot to offer the world. I’m
    talented and successful.” The more you do it, the more you’ll
    come to believe it!

    Don’t be afraid to love yourself, its not arrogant or self
    centred, its just being glad to be you…

  19.  #19Daria on August 29, 2011 at 2:35 pm

    whoa i do not feel safe thinking that people may report me for drug abuse

    i feel terribly angry about that

    i want to feel safe !

    i want to feel comfortable to use drugs of my choice and talk about it like it is normal for me!

    im feeling all tightened up and shaky!

    that feels horrible to think that people could actually report me or people i care about !

    how horrible

    i hate hate hate and feel so powerless against persecution of me for what to do with my body!

    i feel so sad

    and i feel rageful and like my safety is violated…

    it felt so good to be able to express myself on this blog and feel safe about my choices and not like i have to hide or pretend

    how horrible!

    i feel so angry – i feel sad –

    i can only pray that i will be safe now and i won’t be attacked or arrested or kidnapped all of a sudden because of people deciding to judge and interfere with my choices

    i feel a pain in my temple


    i wonder why i have so many wwII images in my visions. it makes me think of gestapo…

    maybe it was the first part of my life in an environment where adults felt unsafe and like they could be arrested at any minute if someone said they disagreed with governement

    ouch my spleen feels pinched

    and now i feel infuriated by this

    omg they will be like wow look she smokes weed

    you know what i do and i DO celebrate it and i find it holy and wonderful

    and if someone reports me for that i feel like i could just stomp on them

    i feel so stunted in expressing my rage

    i feel so drawn to “how DARE YOU VIOLATE MY SAFE SPACE WITH THIS AWFUL SHIT!!!!!!!” kind of thinking

    and stuff like, next, we’ll get links to report women in countries who admit to not wearing their burqa or something

    it feels scary

    real life scary

    this is my real life!!

    don’t come here violating my safe expression space!!

    i don’t want to have FUCHKIN posts reported so it can be ‘investigated’ by people i do NOT agree with or trust

    so upset

    i cannot promise myself i am safe

    this fuchkin world does NOT feel safe

    and i feel DAMn angry about it

    i guess i would say i wish all those people tryiong to control and imprison others would just imprison themselves and sink in the ocean like atlantis or something

    but the truth is i porbably have it inside, me in some ways and

    i don’t know how to heal it

    i feel tight in my shoulder and i love my tightness

    i guess if this was wwii times we would get links on how to report hiding ethnic groups and other such stuff

    terrible stuff

    and then the stuff about abusing children in the same kind of link

    wow that feels … disturbing


    i feel pouty

    i feel totatlly unsafe writing this and afraid of attack

    i could just innocently be living my life now and then someone ‘reports’ me and then my diary turns into the way for my second worst fear to come true

    i want to heal this damn fear of being persecuted

    it seems so REAL

    its like, i actually see it and hear about it happening constantly!

    shti there are even links given promoting it!!


    dear Goddess… i want this fear to be healed

    i feel frusttrated

    thank u

  20.  #20Daria on August 29, 2011 at 2:57 pm

    i felt really surprised and awakened reading this:

    “In love, relationship, romance, friendship, and family – I was taught to hold it all in, and then resent what’s going on around me.”

    yes ! i feel excited… and a way to heal will be coming…

    “To just simply be where I am, and then express, out loud, how I feel about what I see and hear and feel. To express the love and appreciation, and yes – anger and fear in my heart in the moment I become aware of it.”


    and i feel good writing this and soothed and sigh

    and i felt FURIOUS at an encouragement to put my safety and freedom at risk for expressing myself sincerely and sharing about my choices of entertainment and the plant friends and substances i choose to incorporate in my life and spirituality

    and i feel good having written that

    and i feel afraid

    i feel like pushing “those who would judge me” far away, like i was sweeping a chessboard off with a hand

    and i love myself

    and i feel shaky and my mouth feels tight

    and i want to feel comfortable expressing O?UT LOUD how i feel about what i see and hear and feel

    and when i feel sad when i hear judgements and racism

    and how i feel scared and sad when i feel a weird vibe from my mom

    and i love me very much and see myself giving myself a hug in my mind

    and i DO feel safe righ tnow

    and i do feel shaky thinking that i am not really safe

    and i love me

    and i love my big breath

    we Arent really safe, and yet i want to feel safe!

    and i want to heal and express myself and how i feel, and then i will heal and magically transform my relationships

    i feel tight in my cheekbones

    i feel my eyes staring intensely

    i feel a sigh coming up and tickling my throat and i feel myself caughng and giggling
    nd i feel my tummy tight and

    i lov me

  21.  #21Tmizz on August 29, 2011 at 3:10 pm

    Oh, dang. Hurricane sex – @Tinque, I’m jealous! 😉

  22.  #22jupiter2 on August 29, 2011 at 3:31 pm

    Hi All,

    Big day moving out of my city apartment . Truck coming in a couple of hours. I have been racing round like a headless Siren cleaning packing unpacking etc in my country house , now this final step .

    This is the “farewell G man space ” day . He lived over the road till 3 years ago and crazy as it sounds I have loved the old connected feelings of being here it has been a huge wrench leaving.

    Had dinner with Docman last night in which he thanked me frequently for the friendship and companionship of last few months and vowed to catch up often . CD 2 disappeared the day I said I was moving and never called again.

    The minute I got home I got a text from unknown number , in fact ex CD from several years ago , claiming to have just found his phone with me in it and being back in town for two nights and could we catch up? Huh? 10 pm ?

    He then offered to come and kiss me goodnight and tuck me in !!!! A booty call like that and he thought I might be interested…hmm …hope that’s all about him !
    But I feel FINE now , after listening a couple of times to Richard Bandler hypnoNLP stuff.

  23.  #23jupiter2 on August 29, 2011 at 3:40 pm

    Daria , you probably know this but thoughts of persecution and being unsafe are common with regular cannabis use.

    So too is an increase of anxiety and irritability , and it’s all very subtle and masked by the pleasurable feelings of weed.

    Alcohol similarly causes depressed and sad feelings commonly.

    I personally respect your right to put any thing you like in your body and I do not believe it is right to encourage others to do so in any way. For me this feels twisted up inside.

    I feel defensive of my sons when I realize people are trying to normalize substance use and that substance causes psychosis.

    I believe in supporting anti drug laws and working to reduce alcohol usage. My country has successfully carried out a major quit smoking campaign which is GREAT. This feels exciting to me.

    I feel excited and exhilarated when people honour their bodies and minds and heal themselves of addictions .

  24.  #24Tmizz on August 29, 2011 at 3:49 pm

    Ugh. Ladies, I have to tell you, I feel said. I am starting to lose faith in this thing that I thought was…something. And now it feels like…nothing.

    Here I was. It seemed like I was lamenting my never-going-to-find-anybody situation. And then, by chance, I happened to just run into my old CD, and things just sort of clicked. For a weekend.

    And now, I’m worried, and it feels like “unclick.” It feels like, I have no reason to believe that he would ever contact me again. Even with all that nice talk. even with all those good feelings. I want to stay confident. I just don’t want to put my eggs in a basket where they don’t belong. And it’s not like I am not CDing. I just don’t feel like I have any of my questions answered.

    And I know, I know. “No closure.” I’m working on that one. It wouldn’t feel good to have closure anyway. I want open-ended. Surprise. Hello!

    It just made me realize that, I *do* want a relationship. I *don’t* want to date around so much – fun as dating is, or can be. I’m *not* ready for marriage. But I love the comforting feeling of that possibility being there.

    I know for myself that I am just going to feel so much more relaxed and at ease, once I get there. Even if I can relax before hand, I know it will increase after the fact. Recently, I was talking to a new acquaintance – a woman who had just recently been married. I met her and her husband right before their wedding. I said, “How do you feel? Do you feel different being married?” And she said, “Yeah, I feel much more relaxed, like I can get on with my life.” Or something to that effect. But the core of it was that she was feeling relaxed.

    It’s such an annoying paradox that, when not being married, or in a solid relationship, we tend to feel tense and anxious. This often pushes away the guys that would otherwise want to be in solid relationships with us, and/or married.

    And I can’t get over the awkward feeling that I had when he suddenly, out of the blue, told me that he wasn’t ready for the “commitment” of marriage. (Okay, we were talking about kids.) But it all just felt like too much, too fast. I want to tell him how uncomfortable that made me, because I’m not really ready to talk about marriage, either. Heck, I hadn’t seen the guy for 2 months! If he was thinking about marriage, that was his deal. And I would feel good if he did. But it feels like I am in the awkward position now of being made out to be the “forcer” or the “convincer” – like I was the one trying to drive him into that corner – when nothing could be further from the truth.

    If part of me wants to contact him, it’s because I want to clear the air around that. I want to state my position clearly, and name my feelings.

    But on the other hand, thinking about contacting him is bringing my “vibe” down, and I’m noticing that. When I don’t, I feel fine. Because if he’s not contacting me, that’s his choice. But if I were to contact him, even if I had no agenda, or no sense of a response I would want to get, I would still feel sad and disappointed if I didn’t hear back from him. So maybe there is something that I “want” after all.

    And I hate that wanting, feeling vulnerable. Or maybe I should sink into that – want that wanting. Feel my vulnerability.

    I wonder what it would feel like to be able to state my truth?

    “Hi RB. It was nice to see you last weekend. I felt uncomfortable talking about marriage, tho. It felt too soon for me to talk about that. Right now I’d rather just concentrate on having a good relationship with someone. What do you think?”

    All of this is true. Would this be a good FM?

    On the other hand, maybe this is just me, again, worrying about What He Thinks – all of which is, None Of My Business. NOMB.

    So what am I doing? Taking a bike ride. Taking care of my space. Taking care of My Business. Activating my Boy Energy, and getting it to work for me. Yeah! That feels good. Getting my inner-boy-self to support me and work for me, and do things for me, and take care of me. Mmm. I have to take care of the things that *are* within my control. And let the things that *aren’t* take care of themselves. And getting my boy energy to push out at him….hm, that’s only going to push him away. If it hasn’t already. And I guess that’s really what I’m worried about. but there’s nothing I can do about that is there? argggh.

    Well, if nothing else, he’s just one of millions of guys – all of whom are attracted to me and want to take care of me and make me happy. And guess what? *that* feels really good.

    I’m going to go eat a brownie… 🙂

  25.  #25tinque on August 29, 2011 at 4:02 pm

    Tmizz- Him bringing up marriage and stuff is his deal, not yours. Your deal is being triggered by it and feeling like you have to explain yourself.

    Forget the bike ride. When in doubt, have chocolate, lol. I vote for the brownie.

    And hurricane sex? I highly recommend it. 🙂


  26.  #26Lilybelle on August 29, 2011 at 4:10 pm


    YAY! 🙂

  27.  #27Lilybelle on August 29, 2011 at 4:12 pm


    So happy to see you…and so on the edge of my seat…


  28.  #28Cindy on August 29, 2011 at 4:21 pm

    I feel annoyed reading an MD claiming that marijuana is so dangerous when it is approved for legal medical use in several states in the US. I feel curious as to why she thinks synthetic drugs are okay, yet is against a simple plant medicine. I wonder if it is because she likes the feeling of control that comes from deciding what is appropriate for people and what isn’t.

    I feel intrigued by the behavior of humans.

  29.  #29Tmizz on August 29, 2011 at 4:26 pm

    Thanks, Tinque. 🙂

    I don’t know if I felt “triggered” by the discussion of marriage, exactly. It wasn’t really until afterward that I realized how awkward it was. I was just caught off-guard, and didn’t really know how to respond at the time. If I had, I probably would have used more feeling messages (a la what I just wrote). But instead, what I came out with made *me* feel like I was pushing for it – even though I wasn’t. I guess that’s where this is all coming from. I feel inadequately expressed, if that makes any sense. But that could have nothing to do with whatever’s going on for him.

    The bike ride was fun – and totally necessary. I needed to get out into the beautiful air and sun and feel the wind on my face. Plus, I get to ride by the beach and stop and watch the waves. It’s so peaceful.

    And the brownies were delicious. 🙂

  30.  #30jupiter2 on August 29, 2011 at 4:33 pm

    If you mean my comment Cindy I invite you to stick to facts not mind reads. I did not say anything about danger merely commented on the risk of paranoid thinking and psychosis . Some people enjoy this and are not necessarily endangered.

    It is not approved for medical use in my country and hopefully will not be because of the psychiatric side effects.

    My opinions on synthetic drugs have not been mentioned however your thoughts about my thoughts are interesting indeed.

    Digitalis and belladonna are simple plant medicines too and they kill people , as you know.

    I am interested in your thoughts about control and i do feel mildly annoyed that you generalize broadly from your own experiences about others and decide that MD equals control . These comments say much about you Cindy .

  31.  #31Cindy on August 29, 2011 at 4:39 pm

    I feel concerned that Jupiter may be giving medical advice that could possibly contradict a prescription given by a person’s MD. I feel surprised seeing this as I remember her accusing another poster of doing this a while back.

  32.  #32Daria on August 29, 2011 at 4:52 pm

    oops Plum i apologize for pushing you away

    i did not acknowledge what felt good which was to protect children and abused people

    it felt bad to have my personal choices mixed in with that

    i felt triggered and scared that something bad might happen to me for being honest and open on the blog about my life and beliefs

  33.  #33tinque on August 29, 2011 at 5:06 pm

    Hey Lilybelly, been missing you. 🙂


  34.  #34Daria on August 29, 2011 at 5:07 pm

    the way of expressing is on what will serve the relationship

    and that means creating intimacy with scary honesty

    including i feel overwhelming rage

    i feel overwhelming powerlessness hopelessness and despair

    i feel invisible

    i feel unimportant

    i feel loving and appreciative

  35.  #35luzydel on August 29, 2011 at 5:07 pm

    I have a question ladies;

    It is about leaning forward and overfunctioning. “NiceCD” is comming over wednesday to my place and as usual I make myself something to eat or buy myself something is it leaning forward or overfunctioning if I offer him some of my dinner? I dont feel like it is, I feel it is more like courtesy rather than me trying to get something back.

    Any thoughts?

  36.  #36jupiter2 on August 29, 2011 at 5:14 pm

    If you see this as medical advice Cindy you are perhaps assuming that I am an MD . A person who considers my advice as that powerful must indeed be feeling triggered !

    I am feeling delighted that my interest in mental and physical well being and honoring ones body and Goddess brain and thinking and mind are so triggering.

    I love it when people pause and consider their lifestyle as that is when they become conscious of their choices. I feel fantastic not doing drugs and feeling totally free to not use them. I feel joyful in my mind and not persecuted for holding a belief in my right to be drug free.

    I love getting high on meditation yoga and self hypnosis…works for me!

    I am also feeling high on life right now .

    I am looking at my life and feeling really good with what I am creating right now.

  37.  #37Daria on August 29, 2011 at 5:16 pm

    I feel like i have no power

    i feel like im not understood/honored

    i feel so sad to feel separate… i feel lonely


    i feel like i have no power

    i feel like im in a glass bell

    i feel rageful

    i feel frustrated

    i feel defeated/hopeless

    i feel like whats the use

    i feel like i have no power


    i love my feeling like i have now power

    and that feels like


    i love my blankness

    adn that feels like

    sad aloneness

    i love my sad aloneness

    and that feels like

    tingly throat

    i love my tingly throat

    and that feels like

    numb and sinking

    i love my numb and sinking

    and that feels like

    getting interested in something else

  38.  #38jupiter2 on August 29, 2011 at 5:23 pm

    The movers are here and I am blogging on the balcony . The new dryer delivery man just installed the dryer and I flirted with him. I also giggled with a stranger over the muffins in the coffee shop early today. Feeling flirtatious.

    I think it’s the Spring weather.

    Glad you are ok SLV

    And hi Plum, it’s only 12 days 🙂

  39.  #39Daria on August 29, 2011 at 5:24 pm

    cindy – i feel surprised and glad to see you stand for marijuana use – in the context of medicine

    i feel more powerful and safer and a glimmer joyful

    and i feel worried to see kind of a pushing against stance

    this is so familiar to me and i go to a kind of defense frequently as my ‘default’ many times when i choose to speak (another defense i have is not speaking – and resenting as rori says)

    and i super support your use of feeling messages

    feels a bit triggering to me that it seems like a defense/attack/blame

    i would not feel safe reading if it were to me or about me

    and i feel scared to share this – i really appreciate you and your speaking out

    and i want all the triggers to melt and heal like rori talks about in her post

    big hugs to you. thank you and i appreciate you for speaking out and being brave and for practicing the feeling messages

    *am not reading all the posts*

  40.  #40Lilybelle on August 29, 2011 at 5:28 pm


    I’ve been missing you as well, Tinque. All is well, just laying low the last few weeks. Everything is going great, just a decision I needed to make recently.

    I am here this evening.

    Lots of focus on me has been going on and it feels great and less focus on dudes. Growing and healing and lovingly supported…

  41.  #41Daria on August 29, 2011 at 5:29 pm

    reading articles on peaceful parenting adn unschooling

    i foudn this and had an aha moment!

    “Finally many parents of energetic kids have found that a good martial arts program has been really helpful and empowering for them. It seems ironic that the best solution for a child who is using disruption as a tool for gaining power is empowerment, but there it is.”

    i feel super drawn since i was little to having super powers to kcik ass (real;ly to protect myself)

    i would love to be in a great martial arts program taht teaches me to really defend myself from stronger people or even guns and such

    i woudl feel much safer in the world and that would expand my sense of empowerment overall


  42.  #42Lilybelle on August 29, 2011 at 5:30 pm


    Are you in your new home, Jupiter???

  43.  #43Violet on August 29, 2011 at 5:33 pm

    I love this blog! I never thought about romancing myself until I read this.

    It makes total sense to surround myself with things that I find feminine.

    I’m now inspired to shop for clothing I find feminine and will ask the hairdresser I use for ideas to style my hair that way as well.

    I believe that when I look a certain way, my attitude changes to suit that.

    Thank you, Rori!!!

  44.  #44DE on August 29, 2011 at 5:34 pm


    OMG…I ditto Tmizz…heck ya…i want me some “hurricane” love 😉

    Happy to have you back and in “full operation” 😉

    warm hugs

  45.  #45Starla on August 29, 2011 at 5:37 pm

    Yay! CD #1 (aka New Guy) actually called as promised:)

    i love his messages…they feel great to hear.

    and i am going to go out with CD #2 tomorrow night. Dinner and a movie. It’s been a long time since I’ve been on such a traditional date. I don’t generally like traditional but we’re friends already so since he’s trying to turn things romantic, I can see how traditional is a good idea to him.

    🙂 time to go work out:)

  46.  #46AmazingMe on August 29, 2011 at 5:38 pm

    I experienced something very cool today sirens!! I am attending my second review class all this week, today was the first day! Well at break I saw one of my good friends I had sadly lost touch with. We were study partners in nursing school. So almost two years later, both of us struggling with boards a little bit reunited again! When I saw her she didn’t recognize me at first but I said, “hey you cant say hi!” Her eyes lit up and we gave eachother bunches of hugs. So cool to reunite with her. It is nice to give someone a big hug and you feel the sincerity! It is a beautiful thing, I needed a friend right now and I think she does too! Well I been studying my bootie off all I can do is my best! It’s in the bag though.. 😛

  47.  #47jupiter2 on August 29, 2011 at 5:41 pm

    Two more hunky young guys lifting and carrying all my stuff …woohoo !

    That feels kinda hot to me.

    It does feel rather odd to be sitting in state on the balcony blogging however while they do all the work. Mind you I am forgetting all the work I have been doing in preparation and the car stuffed full of bags and things I carried down myself at sparrow fart this morning.

  48.  #48jupiter2 on August 29, 2011 at 5:47 pm

    Hi Lilybelle . Just exiting the old one and moving all the gear to the garage of my country house where I will be living with my son for next 18 mths . Had to leave old job in order to do it , and it’s all about helping him more next year , and my aging mother.

    Lots of memories dealt with and getting VERY excited because I am going to Europe for a month shortly.
    I am meeting old friends and new ones and traveling just for pleasure and to feel alive again , and it feels fantastic.

    You are in a new home too are you ? Did you make it romantic? I am going to redo my home when I get back and feel inspired by all the couch throwing going on here lately , so am going to ditch a couple of couches really soon . Though I don’t know whatbmy big doggy will think of that idea .

  49.  #49Daria on August 29, 2011 at 5:47 pm

    “Lazy. So?
    Posted on 02/05/2011
    Ronnie Maier did a great job in her recent blog post debunking the notion that unschooling = lazy parenting. It’s a post worth book-marking, since I suspect we’ll be making these points over and over as unschooling continues to pop up in mainstream circles and people unfamiliar with it react in familiar ways.

    It’s good to be armed with reasonable language. (Thank you, Ronnie.) Keeps us from rolling our eyes and calling people Muggles. (Don’t pretend you haven’t done it.)

    Now, I’d like to have a go at that word “lazy.”

    In fact, I’d like to defend it. Or defend laziness, anyway. Because I think a lot of people (particularly those who throw around phrases like “lazy parenting”) could use a little more lazy in their lives.

    I think we’ve been clobbered over the head for generations with the idea that it’s bad — immoral, even — to be anything other than busy and productive and industrious (and if you’re a parent, a controlling taskmaster) hour after hour, day after day, for all the days of our lives.

    That we (and our kids, and our spouses) only get to be “lazy” after we do all the work that someone thinks we ought to be doing, and even then, that our respite must not last too long, or venture too far outside the zone of acceptable leisure-time activities. (No comic books! No video games! No daydreaming!)

    Bossy people tend to call other people “lazy” when those other people aren’t doing what the bossy people think they should be doing.

    Like building empires, for example. Or multiplying fractions. Or sitting in a call center with a telephone headset, harassing people who can’t pay their bills.

    You know, productive stuff like that.

    I think it’s part of the same cultural indoctrination that says there is only one right way to live, and that’s to turn your authority over to someone else for the majority of your time on the planet, be that someone a teacher or a boss or a spouse or a parent or an ideology, that your free time is something you must earn, and that there is a standard level of busy we all must achieve in order to be considered worthy of taking up space and breathing up the air.

    Blame it on the Puritans or the capitalists or the social engineers, but wherever you place the genesis — maybe it’s in Genesis — I think it’s time to call bullshit on the cult of productivity and make-work and let lazy have its due.

    Two things came across my feed reader recently. One was from Dmitri Orlov, author of Reinventing Collapse, who argues in favor of a big chill-out.

    The important thing to understand about collapse is that it’s brought on by overreach and overstretch and people being zealous and trying too hard. It’s not brought on by people being laid back and doing the absolute minimum. Americans could very easily feed themselves and clothe themselves and have a place to live working maybe a hundred days a year. You know, it’s a rich country in terms of resources. There’s really no reason to work maybe more than a third of your time and that’s sort of a standard pattern in the world. But if you want to build a huge empire and have endless economic growth and have the largest number of billionaires on the planet then you have to work over forty hours a week all the time and if you don’t then you’re in danger of going bankrupt. So that’s the predicament that people have ended up in.

    The other was from James K. Galbraith, who made the case for lowering the retirement age in the U.S., because we really don’t need to be working as long as we are.

    Only a small fraction of today’s workers make things. Our problem is finding worthwhile work for people to do, not finding workers to produce the goods we consume. In the United States, the financial crisis has left the country with 11 million fewer jobs than Americans need now. No matter how aggressive the policy, we are not going to find 11 million new jobs soon. (…) The right step is to reduce, not increase, the full-benefits retirement age. (…) Let them go home!

    I know, I know. It’s heresy to suggest that the cure for what ails us is not more work, but less.

    It’s heresy to suggest that we might actually be able to get what we need in far less time than the common expectation, leaving us lots of hours to fart around and, yes, be lazy.

    And, sadly, it’s still heresy to question, even now, in light of all evidence to the contrary, the notion that work will make us free.**

    * * *”

  50.  #50Daria on August 29, 2011 at 5:53 pm

    luzydel – wow i feel intrigued… to think about this for myself – kinda, maybe…

    wouldn’t it be nice if he brought dinner over for the both of us? that would be my thought

    or maybe he can cook something for us

    i have had men order food in when visiting me…

    i would probably let him have some of what i have … – have in the past but… maybe i was doing too much myself

    plus i kinda feel good about having people try my food sometimes

    i dono… it feels so much better when the man provides

    if he has taken me out to eat then i would feel more ok to share with him my stuff

  51.  #51jupiter2 on August 29, 2011 at 5:55 pm

    43 Lilybelle . I like the sound of lots of focus on you going on . That’s how it feels here too. All about me. I have lost interest in thinking or wondering about D man. He is in the friend zone. And he will have to do a lot of work to get me thinking and wondering about him .

    It’s so interesting to notice how the less mental attention I give out to men the more they seem to come towards me. Hmmm…

  52.  #52DE on August 29, 2011 at 5:58 pm

    Today, i had a conversation with a good friend of mine …

    I feel very afraid I might loose her…as a friend…even if temporarily…

    She has worked with Rori’s tools as well…and we shared quite a bit about our experiences and progress…we helped one another…

    Yet, since she became exclusive to this man…over a month ago…i rarely talk to her or see her…often my calls/txt are not returned till days later or not at all…

    Last Sat, they join us for my bday get together…I feel happy to see her happy…and overall, first impression I like him…

    Yet, things were said and happened that evening that stayed in my mind over the weekend…and my heart feels achy about it…:(

    Her guy refused to join us inside at the club…when he was asked to pay cover …it is a normal requirement for guys…and it was not that high anyway…

    i went outside to see what’s going on…i felt uncomfortable and uptight…my friend was “consoling” him…it felt like a temper tantrum on his part…i could feel his resistance…when my gf asked if i is okay if they leave cause her man does not want to go in…i just said…okay…no problem…

    i didn’t feel good to express how i felt…annoyed…:(

    i approached my friend ab it today…i asked her how did she feel when he was resistant to coming in…

    she felt the temper tantrum…and she agreed to my evaluation of the situation…which was…”she was in mommy mode twds him…”


    She expressed to me before about his quick temper…and then apologizing and pleasing…i feel afraid that also she is using FMs better these days…she is not using boundaries…

    I brought up to her that last Sat was a perfect example of not stating her boundaries…(of course in private…)…like “I don’t like, I don’t want…”

    Instead, he had the nerve to tell her on their way to the car that “i hope u are not into clubbing..women that like clubbing are not into serious relationships…i am not interested in these kind of women…”

    She said she felt bad hearing it…but she said nothing about feeling judged…

    And this brought me back to the lounge when we were having drinks…i shared a funny story…were i went to strip club and not knowing about the inside rules…i stayed close to the stage…well, the chairs were comfy…:) and that a woman kissed me out of the blue…at which this man said “oh, i feel afraid for him…(meaning my date, T)…” i asked smiling what do u mean? …and i don’t recall his answer…

    sigh…he is projecting his own insecurities onto us, me…he feels threatened ab my friend seeking my friendship, company…:( he was married 3 times before…

    now, i feel angry…and soo scared…that this son of a bitch would cause my friendship with my gf to fall apart…

    I will step back…my gf has the tools and knowledge to make the right decision for herself…

    I sincerely hope she follows her heart and uses the opportunity to set very healthy boundaries for herself early on…

  53.  #53jupiter2 on August 29, 2011 at 5:59 pm

    This is so cool . The guys are telling me to sit on my outdoor chair here and just relax while they do the work ..what a giggle ..they are looking after me like I’m their mum .

  54.  #54tinque on August 29, 2011 at 6:00 pm

    Tmiz – Been thinking more about you and what happened as well as your thoughts. I say you’ve been triggered because if you hadn’t, you might have noticed he brought up what he did, but you would have shrugged it off, maybe thought it odd of him to be mentioning this so early, and then it would have been gone.

    Maybe you have been deep down thinking about it too and feel guilty. (nothing wrong with a fun fantasy by the way)

    Maybe it feels offensive, and it raises something up in you, an old memory with or without a name.

    Maybe it’s something else.

    Regardless, it’s all okay, goo even. Just things to notice. Not really worth dwelling on.


  55.  #55luzydel on August 29, 2011 at 6:03 pm

    53: Daria

    Oh Daria I agree, but I will not ask him or hint him to bring food; how ever if he offers I will say yes. This guy has treated me like a queen and It feels wonderful. If I cook it wont be a five star dinner or nothing to impress him even if I buy something on my way back it may be pizza or Boston Market. I am thinking about me and what if I get hungry? If I fix a sandwish for myself, it would be polite to offer him one also. I am just experiencing the difference between trying to hard and simply being me and open.

  56.  #56jupiter2 on August 29, 2011 at 6:08 pm

    DE, This feels sad to read. It’s like those movies where you watch the character happily going along the screw it up path and you can’t do anything but watch her and feel fearful about the bad experiences that you see her creating.

    You maybe feeling lost right now but I get the feeling you are staying centered and clear. Your example is the best thing you can offer her. She may be attracted to a more controlling man due to her own childhood stuff, she may be doing a re-do or she may be feeling safe with a strong opinionated man , whatever it is , it’s her own journey.

    You are wise to be supportive and not offering advice unless asked and you are also wise in seeing the pitfalls. I like how you are using your feelings as an internal antenna and the radar is going off.

    This is one of the best things I have learned from Roris workn, trust your feelings to guide you .

  57.  #57Lilybelle on August 29, 2011 at 6:11 pm


    So exciting to hear all about your plans and the trip to Europe sounds so wonderful! I am feeling jealous!!! I did move at the end of June and am loving my new apartment. I hung pretty red ribbons with different words (Love, Joy, Celebrate) on my curtain rod and have added some new throw pillows to the room.. Big snuggly, inviting ones that can be used to sprawl out on the floor with ;-), recovered my dining room chairs and now all that is really left is painting. I am also adding some solar powered white lights to my balcony and some beaded, battery operated lights in my home around this huge mirror I have hanging horizontally across a wall… lots of candles and good smelling things here too.

    It’s coming a long nicely.

    54: Yes, it really does feel good. All the focus on men and the negativity surrounding the poofers and such was causing me to feel bad. This is one reason I needed to take a break from the blog too. I had to get my head on straight and just be focused on me. It has done me a world of good.

    I am in a really, really good place. It sounds like you are too! So happy to hear!

  58.  #58jupiter2 on August 29, 2011 at 6:25 pm

    Lilybelle I like what you said about taking a break from the focus around men and the poofers here at times. Its a supportive place but the very nature of the content can be an issue sometimes in itself because it often focus on our pain and negativity and not our joy.

    I love SLV s comments for their consistent positivity and optimism and soulfulness.

    It’s feels great to know other Sirens are riding some joyful waves . I am feeling thrilled to enjoy all the changes in my life so much. I love to change and grow and challenge myself.

    I really adore my Richard Bandler CD , that comes with the book Get the Life You Want. I credit a lot of my ease and relaxed feelings about it all to listeningnto that CD a few times lately.

    The old me would have been anxious and stressing over the move..but I’m sitting here blogging .

  59.  #59Esteemed on August 29, 2011 at 6:30 pm

    Hi, I’ve been busy all day trying to come up with creative solutions to my living situation. D and M asked me a month ago to be out by August 31st. I have been here since June 5th, and they never intended me to stay 3 months in the first place.

    It feels bad being turned out on the streets just as I’m starting a new job, and I told M so. She said I’d be surprised how hard it is for her to do that, but she really feels strongly that she needs back the privacy of her home and family, with her son coming home for two weeks from boot camp in September.

    I came up with a safe solution, but it will keep me financially stuck: to rent a room at a cheap motel for $260 a week, taxes and all included. It allows my dogs. I can’t think of anything else, but this will mean it will take me that much longer again to save for a security deposit and first month’s rent, just as I was finally about to pull out of my financial tailspin.

    I still don’t have a start date for my job, but they said as soon as the results came back from my drug test and background check, so probably Wednesday, August 31st.

    I feel a little scared about my situation, and I am trying to keep a positive focus.

  60.  #60DE on August 29, 2011 at 6:33 pm

    Jupiter2 #59:

    Thank you for your feedback…i really appreciate it …

    Yes, it seems like…i hope i am wrong…

    i just sent her a txt expressing my feelings…i will be there for her when she needs me…and that i would like my communication with her today to be erased from her phone…cause i would feel violated if he would read them (i understand he goes through her phone often…:(..another red flag…and gosh, they’ve been together for about 2 months…yes, they have known each other longer since they work together…)

    Anyhow…i intend to work on my thoughts for positive outcome for everyone involved…

    Hope your move goes smooth 🙂

    warm hugs,

  61.  #61jupiter2 on August 29, 2011 at 6:34 pm

    I like your lighting ideas too Lilybelle.
    Candles are my must- haves for dinners with special people .

    I also love the idea of mirror lights.

    When I leave here today I am stopping for a pedicure with my favorite nail place and then driving on to mybhome in the country where the spring blossoms are fully blooming and the birds are going noisy- bananas .

    Then I am unpacking my car and starting some serious packing for Europe trip. Mediterranean here I come ! It’s time like this when I am glad I have had cancer. I wouldn’t be in this place now if I hadnt.

  62.  #62DE on August 29, 2011 at 6:34 pm

    More often than not, human desperate need for connection takes the best of them…that’s what causes the addiction pattern…:(

    Sigh, sigh…

  63.  #63DE on August 29, 2011 at 6:35 pm

    ups…not causes…but rather “triggers” the addiction pattern…:(

  64.  #64jupiter2 on August 29, 2011 at 6:43 pm

    DE that guy sounds potentially dangerous.
    I would never appreciate or allow a husband of 20 years to go searching through my phone unless in an emergency. However I would be happy to leave it out freely and unlocked .it’s called trust.

    This guy is a potential abuser . That sounds harsh but the early signs are there.

    The next possible signs are ongoing moves by him to isolate her from her friends and family . The refusal to enter the club move is a great example of the manipulative ways this can be done.

    I know of a book about this called But He Says He Loves Me by Dina Miller. Don’t know if she would be open to reading such a thing .
    I am glad you are there for her. Is she open to

  65.  #65Susan on August 29, 2011 at 6:45 pm

    RE: 38: luzydel

    You asked about sharing a meal that you had prepared with your CD…

    I know Rori advises against cooking for a man and I understand why. My personal story is that it is difficult for me to eat in restaurants and much safer for me to eat at home. I have celiac disease and I have pretty strict dietary restrictions. If I accidently eat things I shouldn’t, I become quite ill and so does my college age daughter that lives with me. She also depends on me to provide meals for her. Cooking most of our meals is really the only same way to deal with our disease. And anyone who happens to be at my house at meal time is offered food. I love to cook and I love to cook for others (not just men) so I cook and share a lot of meals with my man. He does reciprocate by taking me out to very nice restaurants and emotionally, this feels balanced to me.

    I would not do this in the beginning of dating someone, but the more involved we get, the more natural this seems. He also washes the dishes. (I think he might be auditioning for the ‘live in’ position, should one open up…)

  66.  #66Susan on August 29, 2011 at 6:46 pm

    That should have read: “Cooking most of our meals is really the only sane way…”

  67.  #67jupiter2 on August 29, 2011 at 6:47 pm

    Oops iPad typo.

    Esteemed you have an exciting few weeks in front of you getting adjusted and used to new work place and finding a new living place too.

    I feel very pleased and excited for you lately finding new ways to pull yourself up out of the old negative places.

    It’s just so great that you have work you are good at . I am hoping you work onnpublishing some short stories , like your Deer story .

  68.  #68DE on August 29, 2011 at 6:49 pm

    Jupiter 2 #67…

    Wow…thank u for sharing about the book…i might just buy it for her… I appreciate it 🙂

    warm hugs,

  69.  #69DE on August 29, 2011 at 6:52 pm

    I offer all my guests…a drink and an aperitif…cheeses, pate…to go with the wine…

    I feel good and I feel honored when I treat my guests just as I treat myself…

    yes, likely not dinner for a date early on…but definitely, aperitif, drinks, desserts…what i have handy…

  70.  #70Wildflower on August 29, 2011 at 6:53 pm

    What does the expression “chained into yourself” mean?

  71.  #71Ella on August 29, 2011 at 6:59 pm

    Feeling Unsafe and violated by the posts about reporting ‘drug abuse’ and that info being put in with the same post about other, really horrific crimes.

    Feel FURIOUS AND ANGRY that my attempts to be authentic, heal and make my life better can be threatened by someone else’s judgements about my issues and my environment.

    Especially in a place that usually feels safe to me.

    Feel disgusted by what feels like attempts to control.

    Feel sad.


    Feel sickened and had enough.

    Feel defeated and like trying to heal is pointless.

    Mostly just feel violated.

  72.  #72Daria on August 29, 2011 at 7:05 pm

    wow another aha moment!

    was reading this about tv watching – and how it is safe is kids want to watch it ( because they can follow their feelings and won’t blindly pick up values)

    , the adult (parent or teacher) as both incomprehensible and a killjoy even while they are “humorously” infantile (esp. males), c

    so just thinking back over teh shows i remember and seeing how indeed the male adult figure was ‘infantile’ to some degree in every show i remember

    full house – maybe a touch less than others but still definitely

    that one with steve urkel

    just thinking and can’t think of one where they weren’t! wow

  73.  #73Ella on August 29, 2011 at 7:05 pm

    Lillybelle and Jupiter (who I think maybe I recognise 😉 )

    I also sometimes feel as though it can be very negative when posting here… esp me included, and also with what Jupiter said that it can be this way just by the topic material.

    I would love to get into expressing more positive here as I believe this will then be mirrored in my life and with the men I interact with.

    However often if there is negative to come out that is going to come out first… and I will express in the name of not stuffing.

    However I was thinking to maybe come on often and write a kind of appreciation list for my love life… like what I feel good about, and the things I appreciate from the men in my life, my CDs etc.


  74.  #74DE on August 29, 2011 at 7:07 pm

    I just deleted a bunch of people off my FB…

    I feel like I honored my feelings…i am not into quantity but quality…

    It is still a trigger to me…reaching out to people a few times and feeling ignored…especailly, when i know they are active on it…

    and darn it, i feel angry for not having my bday acknowledged…:(

    i feel angry…i want to stomp my feet…argh…and now, i feel ashamed for having these expectations…:(…

    permit others to be who they are so i can permit myself to be who i am…which i do…it does not mean i have to see them daily interacting with others and ignoring me on and on…:( that feels bad…:(

    arghh…passive aggressive behaviors…brings lots of memories…my sister was one…hit me under the belt…and a few gfs…:(

    i don’t feel safe around them…

    fu*ck u all bi*ches…(men and women)

  75.  #75jupiter2 on August 29, 2011 at 7:08 pm

    Hi Susan . Yes the one about not cooking for him . Aft reading Rori I realized I had used this one a lot and though it felt wrong to me to NOT offer to have them in to my place for a meal early on I realized there were many advantages.

    One of which was diluting the clear sexual signal that men associated with the invitation , or that I myself unconsciously did. Not cooking for men tiall after a lot of dates has made that clear to me. Some of them remove themselves from my world early on after dropping hints about spending time at my place and they will bring the wine.

    Whilst I dont yet have the relationship I want I also dont have a lot of pain. I think the not cooking for men is part of that revolution.

    I am thinking if I had coeliac disease I would probably do just as you do however and just have to have other dates like movies and walks and less food focus .

    It sounds as though you arein an established exclusive relationship and that does feel different and I would love to cook often in that setting.

  76.  #76Daria on August 29, 2011 at 7:11 pm

    dear tummy
    im sorry you feel tense and hot

    is it because of wanting to sleep?

    or is because i THINK you want to sleep

    i feel so interested in what im reading!

    it feels wonderful and exciting and refreshing

    and i feel you all hot

    sigh i love mysigh

    im sorry for anything im doing to make you tense tummy

    lets be happy

    its ok to feel good tummy!

    what if you could feel good?

    what if it was ok to feel good?

    its ok to feel good tummy

    thatnk you tummy thankj you

    you can feel good now

    thank u

  77.  #77Daria on August 29, 2011 at 7:14 pm

    thank you! this i feel so inspired by and i was feeling CONCERNED about this in my own life and i feel so great to read this about someone embracing it

    mmgggmmm am making happy sounds

    “-=-I just have one concern. I want my children to finish what they start.-=- Sandra Dodd:
    If you start a book and decide you don’t like it, will you finish it? If you start eating a dozen donuts, and after you’re not in the mood for donuts anymore, will you finish the dozen? If you start an evening out with a guy and he irritates or frightens you, will you stay for five more hours to finish what you started? If you put a DVD in and it turns out to be Kevin Costner and you don’t like Kevin Costner, will you finish it anyway? The only things that should be finished are those things that seem worthwhile to do. When I’m reading a book, I decide by the moment whether to keep reading or to stop. Even writing this post, I could easily click out of it and not finish, or I could finish it and decide not to post it. Choices, choices, choices. Wanting your children to learn to ignore their own judgment in favor of following a rule is not beneficial to them or to you. It will not help them learn. -=-Sometimes, NOT MOST TIMES, but sometimes, you cant’ go at your own pace and have to do what needs to be done, like college.-=- College doesn’t “need” or “have to” be done. It’s an option among many options. -=-I was somewhat unschool as a child, before there was a name, or my mom knew what it was. Now that I am in college, I am having problems finding motivation in the classes I take.-=- If your mom didn’t know what it was, I don’t think you were somewhat unschooled. Perhaps you intend to say you were neglected or left to fend for yourself, but that’s not unschooling. If you’re having problems finding motivation, don’t take the classes. It’s a choice. If you decide you Do want to take the class, then you have chosen that, and you can choose to do the work because you’re fulfilling your own desire, not because you want to finish everything you start. Sandra”

  78.  #78Starla on August 29, 2011 at 7:14 pm

    Ladies, I screwed way the eff up

    I basically annoying begged CD #1 to come swimming with me when I called him back.

    Holy crap. Then he had to explain himself that he wasn’t putting 100% in his job, and he said he was sorry he had to explain himself… I think what he really meant was “damnit why did you make me explain myself.”

    I wouldn’t take no for an answer.

    Fark. I haven’t done anything like that in a looong time. Maybe never. What is my problem?

    Feeling stupid like I blew it. What is my problem?

  79.  #79Starla on August 29, 2011 at 7:16 pm

    When I went into it, it was supposed to be rockstar… if he said no, no big deal.

    And then I just didn’t want to take no for an answer. I almost swayed him, and then when he was about to say yes, I let him know that it was okay to say no… I feel dumb. I feel dumb. Aaaah.

    I acted stupid. Eeep!

  80.  #80Daria on August 29, 2011 at 7:18 pm

    “-=-If my kids had their way, they’d go barefoot outside of their own yard, run in the street between cars, never take baths, never eat their veggies and instead opt for chocolate cake every meal, mistreat animals, burn down the house playing with matches, never go to bed, never brush their teeth, etc. -=-
    I read that to Holly and she was speechless. Seriously mouth-open disbelief. Then she asked “WHY would they burn the house down with matches?”
    “The only reason her house is not burned down is because she has a rule against playing with matches.”

    “So she can’t even say ‘You can play with matches but only in the front driveway’?”


    “So they’ll never go to bed because they’ll never get tired unless she tells them they’re tired?”

    She asked me to read it to her again. I did. She looked at it and looked at me and said with more feeling, “Why the hell would they run between cars in the street!?”

    [back to the dire things that children will do if parents let them]

    Holly Dodd is twelve years old, and has gone barefoot AND decided to wear shoes on thousands of occasions, depending on the circumstances.
    Holly has never run in the street between cars.

    She takes lots of baths and always has.”

    omg this feels so exciting… because one of my fears of not spanking my children is that they would run out in the street between cars

  81.  #81Emerson on August 29, 2011 at 7:25 pm

    Hi ladies
    I have a question about “running out” of feeling messages…sometimes I feel stuck and don’t know what to talk about…I start doing the waterwheel and I’m all that…but I’m just sitting there.
    I start running out of feeling messages to say in the course of a day’s conversation 🙄
    I don’t want to brag, so I monitor what I say about work
    I don’t want to nag, so even if I am feeling like something is kinda bugging me, if I know it’s not a good time to bring up then I just keep quiet and listen to the CD talk…

    Hmm..something just occurred to me!! Maybe I am NOT supposed to talk! Maybe that’s it…I’m supposed to LISTEN.

    I have been spending time with recycledCD despite the female roommate issue. He insisted it is nothing romantic and invited me to come to the house so I am letting it go for now and believing what he says is true.

    For now, but not forever. Hmm that feels bad to say.
    🙁 I just mean I’m not going to be fine with it if things progress between us. It’s a free country and we are just recently getting acquainted, so if he ended up with a female roommate, what grounds do I really have to be “mad”?? I don’t. Anyway I have been hashing this out with myself as well.

  82.  #82Ella on August 29, 2011 at 7:26 pm


    Don’t worry hon.

    I bet it is not as bad as you think… many women are like that all the time and if it is a rare occasion for you it can actually be kinda cute and different.

    It looks like you are being very hard on yourself.

    What do you think?


  83.  #83alias girl on August 29, 2011 at 7:28 pm

    i love watching men work. i really do. and i love that they know i am watching them work.

    and i also never got my brownie i was craving!

    and these things are what have inspired me from the blog so far today in my perusing.

    oh and HURRICANE SEX!

  84.  #84Wildflower on August 29, 2011 at 7:28 pm

    chatted with a man from israel tonight. after that met a man who was in vietnam. kinda cool. earlier today connected with a man who had served in korea. he told me to come back to the US while I was still young so i could get married and have kids. i felt a little triggered but i mostly appreciated his advice and concern considering he’s only known me for about 45 minutes. i’m wondering if he was projecting some if his own desires to have his own kids live closer to him. i don’t know. still felt good to connect and chat for a bit. my friends at my pole dance studio want to be my facebook friend. this made me feel really happy.

  85.  #85Ella on August 29, 2011 at 7:28 pm

    I feel appreciative of computer guy who came and fixed my computer this evening.

    And it felt good talking with him and listening to him talk about different things and being in his man presence.

  86.  #86Emerson on August 29, 2011 at 7:28 pm

    81 Starla,
    Aww hugs to you…I can relate to the frustration.

    Please be gentle with yourself, your words about yoruself sound a bit hars… you know, Rori says CDing is for practice, and practice means we “slip up” which is actually not a bad thing, it’s a learning experience. that’s how I’m trying to look at it…because I make mistakes and do “dumb” stuff all the time!

    I remember Daria 🙂 reminding me not to talk to myself harshly (thank you Daria) because I tend to do that sometimes and then it makes me feel ick ick…


  87.  #87Starla on August 29, 2011 at 7:29 pm

    Thank you Ella

    I learned something important about leaning forward for me.

    I also learned that he values his job. That’s sexy!

    You’re probably right…but I feel like I majorly f*cked up. And probably made him feel bad from talking to me, not good.

    I am going to the pool anyway:)

  88.  #88Ella on August 29, 2011 at 7:30 pm

    I feel appreciative of my opporunities to heal my triggered feelings around people/men hiding and running from me.

    Thank you.

  89.  #89Emerson on August 29, 2011 at 7:30 pm

    re my post 84…I meant we are just recently getting REacquainted, hence the name recycledCD….

  90.  #90Starla on August 29, 2011 at 7:31 pm

    Thank you Emerson
    I am extra hard on myself.

    You ladies are so supportive, thank you!

  91.  #91Emerson on August 29, 2011 at 7:31 pm

    89 Starla not that I’m implying you did anything dumb… 🙂 I was strictly speaking about myself.
    hee hee.

  92.  #92Ella on August 29, 2011 at 7:34 pm

    Starla I can so relate to that awful feeling of ‘I f8cked up’ and of the thought that we cause them to feel bad when they talk to us through something we have said.

    I agree with what Emerson said, although it can be hard to remember sometimes.

    And its all just practice.


  93.  #93Wildflower on August 29, 2011 at 7:35 pm

    Experimented a little with leaning forward with texts. Sent one of my CDs a text to say hello. Hadn’t heard from him all day so wanted to just try it. He told me he was really happy to see my text. Then it felt weird because the conversation revolved around him for a while when usually it is more about me. Then I stopped texting and he sent me a question about me. Feeling weird and unsure about it. Men in the past who have really pursued me hard didn’t give me enough space to think about this kind of stuff (at least at first). Or maybe I just didn’t care at first…hmmm…

  94.  #94Ella on August 29, 2011 at 7:39 pm

    I still think I am expressing my NVs with men… and letting these run me…

    And allowing the talk to get around to relationship too quick (although I feel annoyed as it tends not to be me bringing it up) when it would feel better just to focus on the date and having fun in the moment.

    Not sure if expressing about not wanting to date guys who are not really into me with NewCD was a boundary or an NV.

    On the upside at least the NVs are getting triggered quickly these days… and stuff is getting communicated rather than stuffed.

    Feel good about that.

  95.  #95Wildflower on August 29, 2011 at 7:40 pm

    RE 5– FW thanks. yeah idk. at the time i was just using it kind of as the verbal equivalent of a screaming, crying, let it all hang out wail. but maybe you’re right. maybe words are different than crying.

  96.  #96DE on August 29, 2011 at 7:45 pm

    Okay, i feel a bit triggered by u comment about “feel appreciative of my opportunities to heal my triggered feelings around people/men hiding and running from me. ” Yep, i actually feel angry…reading it…

    yes, yes, it is about u…but i heck feeling offended…

    None of the people I deleted were “dates” or “prospective” either…these were people that i’ve known personally and/or via various events…they asked for my contact…not me…i reach out saying hello, asking, etc…

    the situation been going on for over a year…finding reasons “oh…they might be busy, or they didn’t see my messages…or they have a freaking bad day…etc…” nope…that was not it…i need significance in any relationship…i need to feel that I fu*cking matter…as a sister, friend…a human being…

    that’s all…

  97.  #97Ella on August 29, 2011 at 7:47 pm

    Practicing with the non attractive ones is easy because there is no pressure because I don’t care about the outcome.

    And as my perceptions of ‘atractive’ shift, even the ones I was previously intimidated by their attrativeness are gradually becoming easier.

    That feels yummy.

    And I am going to keep going with that.

  98.  #98Wildflower on August 29, 2011 at 7:49 pm

    i really enjoyed this article. i could relate to a lot of it and i felt inspired. another thing that is cool is i was angry about HM a week ago and today i feel more appreciation and love towards him regardless of anything. in the past i think i would have felt angry much longer. part of me wonders if that’s because we haven’t slept together. but i want to believe it’s because i’m healing.

  99.  #99Ella on August 29, 2011 at 7:53 pm

    DE Hey,

    Oh ok I can see how my comment may have triggered you with the situation you just posted about.

    And when I wrote it it was entirely about my own, personal triggered feelings around this and in no way to do with what you posted.

    This is in fact a trigger that comes up for me again and again… so a biggy.

    And I was just noticing that this time with NewCD it is being presented again, and it is becoming less triggering than before.

    In no way related to your post.

    Much Love

    Ella. xoxo

  100.  #100jupiter2 on August 29, 2011 at 7:53 pm

    Ella , I am interested at hearing your anger about the reporting of illegal drug abuse.
    Do you also feel anger at the reporting of theft or child abuse or murder?
    All are to some degree criminal activities in most countries.

    It seems perfectly reasonable to post about them in a general category of illegal activities which may potentially harm our children and deprive them of their right to live free .

    To me illegal drug culture is the main one I feel fearful of when I see my two gorgeous young men and the life choices they face. Drugs can break down their choices at a basic
    neural level and make them think in paranoid, persecuted , angry and fearful ways due to chemical brain disruption and I see it daily in my work .

    I respect any Sirens right to treat her body and brain however she wishes , with sugar , alcohol or drugs ..just don’t want it for myself and most definitely don’t want fat food adds, alcohol promotion cigarette advertising or legal cannabis, cocaine, narcotics around for my kids.

    I am interested though in the anger that Daria and Ella express about this and I wonderbif this is an age issue .
    My parents generation seemed happy to trot off to war and be shot down in large numbers and society certainly thinks differently about an individuals right to maintaining the integrity of their mind and body these days.

    I am off to my mani pedi . Flat is quiet and empty now. Have a lovely day / evening Sirens.

  101.  #101luzydel on August 29, 2011 at 7:54 pm

    I spent the weekend at “niceCd” he took me to a frenche restaurant, and we made breakfast toguether the next morning. I do no associate sex to anything; for me it either happens or it doesn’t. My question was more about the difference between common courtesy and the need to manipulate by overfunctioning. If we were in bed having fun etc and suddenly I felt like making a grilled cheese, I would ask him “would you like one?”Not because I want to impress him, but because I would do the same with a friend etc.
    So are we not “allowed” to be polite?
    I do know some women who cook and wear sexy underwear to impress a guy who has done nothing for them; but I don’t feel that I need to impress “niceCD” guy; I feel safe when I am arround him.

  102.  #102Ella on August 29, 2011 at 7:54 pm

    Also DE

    You matter.

  103.  #103DE on August 29, 2011 at 7:55 pm

    Thank u Ella 🙂

    i feel heard …

    U, Daria, and I received some “love” recently …

    I feel honored actually 🙂

    warm hugs,

  104.  #104Wildflower on August 29, 2011 at 7:57 pm

    I had this weird thought earlier today that kind of made me feel frightened. It was just a fleeting thought. Is it possible to get so good at meeting your own needs that you no longer need a man? Like you could be truly so happy by yourself and dating/interacting with tons of men that you no longer need “one” man. Strangely this thought scares me since I feel worried a man might recognize that I don’t need him and be more attracted to someone needier. Random thought.

  105.  #105Ella on August 29, 2011 at 8:02 pm


    The reason I am feeling angry is because I am living right in the middle of this ‘drug culture’ that we young people are facing right now and I am doing my best to tackle this issue in my own life, even though it often feels like my circumstances and environment are all against me.

    And it scares me.

    And I see here, this blog, what I am doing with my feelings, as maybe my only way to overcome this, and I am working to heal it in a way that feels safe and do-able to me.

    Until suddenly people who don’t seem to understand one bit what it is like to actually live surrounded by these issues come here with judgements and facts and talk of reporting stuff.

    And it feels like my chance to heal my life getting f8cked over and I feel afraid.

    No babysteps here.

    And also feel bad the assumption that I think drug use is all good and that I don’t respect what our Grandparents did just because my views are not as extreme or I see the solution in a different way.

    I feel furious and tight in my throat, scared and bound.

    Thats all.

  106.  #106Starla on August 29, 2011 at 8:05 pm

    U went for my swim and felt surprised to see a neighbor waving at me through the window. Not in a creepy way either.

    I feel good.

    All is okay in the world:)

    Thank you for these triggers.

    I’ll be back in a while to type out some really positive stuff.

  107.  #107Starla on August 29, 2011 at 8:07 pm

    *I, not U. I went for a swim

  108.  #108luzydel on August 29, 2011 at 8:07 pm

    107: Wildflower

    I tend to feel that way sometimes and I usually take a break and date myself and do nice things for me. However I go back to dating men again… Maybe we have to know the difference between needing and wanting. If you do not take care of yourself and your needs then you NEED a man to do those things for you, but if you take care of YOU etc. Then you are with a man because You WANT to and when he does nice things and treat you well, you take it because it feels natural.
    For me needing a man is like an addiction and we end up like junkies in a corner if we depend on that need.

    I am rambling, but I hope that helps

  109.  #109Ella on August 29, 2011 at 8:11 pm

    Lol Starla,

    I like that you said ‘U’ went for a swim… it made me smile.

    Like we are all connected.

    And pulled me out of my scared feeling, tight throat place I was/am in a bit.


  110.  #110Ella on August 29, 2011 at 8:15 pm

    Btw Starla,

    You sure seem to have some cute guys who want to go swimming with you!


  111.  #111alias girl on August 29, 2011 at 8:17 pm

    aha moment just now while talking to new cd.

    i don’t actually need people to listen to me. or respond to me. or understand me or be interested.

    i thought i did!!!

    i kept feeling less than when it didn’t happen. but with this guy

    i was ready to meet him but then he kept going on with the convo and then i didn’t feel so ready to meet him

    and i said i feel resistant i don’t know why.

    he said resistant to meet me or anyone.

    i said a little of both.

    anyway… he ended up bailing out of the whole thing even though i was open to see how i might feel if we spoke again.

    but i really didn’t feel attracted at all. and i have no idea what he even looks like because when i was on pof i just gave my number out and whoever called called.

    but i felt so ok about the whole thing.

    i feel so much progress around this!!!!!!!

    i feel like eh, ok. i feel better to talk to someone i feel connected with but that was ok for that moment in time. not in a hurry to repeat it.

    i just feel neutral. i feel healthy. 🙂

    i never thought i would get to the point of emotional well being i feel now.

    and here i am.

    thank you. 🙂

  112.  #112Mel on August 29, 2011 at 8:17 pm

    I’m feeling lucky to have so many nice decent men in my “rotation.”

    I am feeling so excited to move, but also overwhelmed with all of this packing and preparation. It will be so nice when it’s all over! I bet I will sleep the best I have in at least a year… even though I won’t have a bed for a few days!

    D (my 24-hour weekend date) wants to see me again on the weekend… to see the bees if possible. He also said he’d love to bounce some ideas off of me to help me out with my future business/investment planning. He keeps saying he’s so “inspired” by me and can’t stop thinking of ideas to give me. I wish he couldn’t stop thinking of ME and not my great business idea, but I’ll take it!

    I’ve also got something set up with radio station guy and bee sting coffee guy. Photography professor is also trying to schedule something. So many interesting people to meet! It doesn’t matter if D just wants friendship because I have so many great choices!

    So fun! But I’d better get off to bed…. a lot of packing still to do tomorrow!

  113.  #113Tmizz on August 29, 2011 at 8:40 pm

    So I took myself to a yoga class this evening, and it turned out to be a restorative class – just what I needed 🙂

    And then I got home and I did this exercise:

    What do I like about being myself?

    1. My sensitivity
    2. My intelligence
    3. My wit
    4. My humor
    5. My breasts
    6. My booty
    7. My legs
    8. My feet
    9. My arms
    10. My head
    11. My collar bones
    12. My chest
    13. My low back
    14. My tattoo
    15. My nose piercing
    16. My travels
    17. My eyebrows
    18. My eyes
    19. My lips
    20. My hips
    21. My vagina
    22. My clit
    23. My brain
    24. My mind
    25. My nervous system
    26. My good judgments
    27. My practicality
    28. My intuition
    29. Masturbation
    30. Flirtation
    31. Dancing
    32. Painting
    33. Singing
    34. Making clothes
    35. Doing massage
    36. My friends
    37. My enemies
    38. Where I live
    39. My choices
    40. My cat
    41. Being Jewish
    42. My hair
    43. My face
    44. My hands
    45. My Father
    46. My family
    47. My brother
    48. Maine
    49. France
    50. Wine
    51. Parties
    52. Movies
    53. Writing
    54. Cuddling
    55. Kissing
    56. Getting love

    For all of the above

    And more.

    Yay, me!

  114.  #114Tmizz on August 29, 2011 at 8:41 pm

    Oh, I forgot – my belly button! And my belly!

    The list goes on… 🙂

  115.  #115Starla on August 29, 2011 at 8:54 pm

    luzydel 111

    thank you, i like how you put that. It was just what I need to read tonight.

  116.  #116Tmizz on August 29, 2011 at 9:05 pm

    @ Tinque, #57

    Thank you for thinking of me! 🙂

    Perhaps I should explain some more about that day. As I mentioned earlier, he had invited me to watch his cricket match during the afternoon, since I had never seen one before.

    During the start of the game, one of his teammates who wasn’t on the field walked by and asked me if I was with RB. I said “yes,” and thought that was it. But then he said, “You guys are planning to get married, soon, right?” At which point I nearly jumped out of my seat, and said, “Not that I’m aware of!”

    The guy looked embarrassed and begged me not to tell RB that he had “let the cat out of the bag.” I still have NO idea what he was talking about. Not having seen RB for two months, I couldn’t believe it was me he would have been talking about. But then again, what if it was? As far as I know, he wasn’t seriously dating anyone in between. But then again, he might have been (my intuition tells me he wasn’t).

    RB’s friend and I then got into a lengthy – and, to me, very pleasant – conversation about interracial marriage, specifically when an Indian guy marries a non-Indian woman, especially a white woman. Apparently, RB had been asking him about it, because this guy’s wife is not Indian. So that was enjoyable. And I remember feeling very validated somehow by talking about this, even though, in my mind, I wasn’t really planning to marry anybody.

    Later in the game, RB came over to me and started talking about the fact that the guy’s wife was not Indian. And he was also talking about how he would be with his kids, different from how he perceived his parents. It was all very lovely, and I listened, and commented, but tried not to interject too much.

    So it was a complete 180 when, at dinner, suddenly, he was all “no kids, no marriage” – or not ready for it, anyway. It wasn’t like I expected him to be.

    So off goes my brain, spinning into space.

    I have no idea, really, what happened. He could have been tired at dinner. Or maybe he was deciding, right then and there, that he didn’t like me and he didn’t want to be with me. Or maybe he was trying to protect himself from being vulnerable.

    I feel confused. I don’t have answers. I don’t feel like I am “allowed” to ask for them, because that would be reaching out and leaning forward. And, bottom line, I don’t want him to feel like there is some sort of expectation or pressure from me, because there isn’t.

    Couple that with the fact that I told him I couldn’t go away with him last weekend, as he’s suggested, and I’d earlier agreed to. He said that was fine, and I haven’t heard from him since.

    I’m doing my best to hang in there. It’s happened a couple of times that I thought he was totally gone and then he reappeared (for example, on our first date, out at a movie, I lost him when I went to the bathroom, and he wasn’t where I left him when I came out. I thought for sure he had gone and left the theater. But then he turned up a few minutes later – he’d gone to the men’s room himself).

    But I really don’t know what’s going on in this situation, and I have little or nothing to go on. It was after three dates (several months ago) that he asked me for exclusivity, and I declined at the time. In fact, I ended up telling him later that I “couldn’t see him” – for my own reasons – without explaining myself at all. But the way he told it, he was at the club last weekend, where I found him, specifically to look for me. I wasn’t there to “look for” him, but I was certainly happy and surprised when I found him!

    So it’s possible that he really, really wants me, and he’s gone so far as to think of a future with me, even when we weren’t dating at the time. Or, maybe that was true, and now I’ve said or done something to turn him off. Or I haven’t, but worry that I have.

    and like I said, I have very little to go on.

    At the very least, I suppose I can take comfort in the fact that a) he was thinking of me, and he might still be thinking of me, and b) if he’s not the right guy for me, then definitely somebody else is!

    I want my hugs! I want my cuddles! I want my kisses and my loves! But I guess, no matter what, they’ll happen one way or another…

    am i rite?

  117.  #117Starla on August 29, 2011 at 9:08 pm

    Oh goodness….girl, there are so many cute guys I know around that contact me through facebook…and what’s even better is most of the time they connect offline with me soon after. It feels good and safe, like being on a dating site but instead you’ve actually met all of the guys circling around you.

    what gets me is when I really really like one of them. Then I turn into a spazz and a half. Holy Moly. Feeling exposed and socially retarded. Like there’s a flashing neon sign above my head that says “NEEDY AND LASER FOCUSED ON YOU,” or perhaps “HAS STOLEN HAIR FROM YOUR HAIRBRUSH TO CAST LOVE SPELLS ON YOU THAT SHE LOOKED UP ONLINE” or “WARNING, MAY BUY VOODOO DOLL.”

    hahaha i feel amused with myself right now but hella ashamed. but i know i will be okay, which feels like noteworthy progress

  118.  #118Ella on August 29, 2011 at 9:14 pm


    Re 120 – I love how you put this.

    I think I have that sign too.

  119.  #119Ella on August 29, 2011 at 9:17 pm


    Can anyone please read the last posts on the last thread please.

    There are some problems and I am feeling very unsafe and confused.

    I have written to Rori.

    I do actually feel very tense right now. Just with all the posts tonight and it is really late here I feel so tense in my throat I don’t think I can sleep and feel kinda afraid to leave the blog somehow.

    Don’t know.

  120.  #120DE on August 29, 2011 at 9:18 pm

    Okay Starla, Ella and Daria…

    got me some triggers with u all and FB…

    hmm…u all claim to get all these guys sending u messages, etc…

    I swear to u all…in the three years i’ve had the account I never was approached as a possible date…

    Hmm…now, what’s wrong with me? Am i not young enough no more…am i not pretty enough? am i not open enough? 🙁

    warm hugs,

  121.  #121Starla on August 29, 2011 at 9:22 pm

    DE, that’s an easy one!:)… it’s cuz you only have 88 friends. And you don’t use your last name so men who are interested in you can’t find you on there.

    LOL I feel amused you even asked if it’s cuz you’re not pretty enough.


  122.  #122DE on August 29, 2011 at 9:26 pm

    Starla, my sweets 🙂 I do have my last names (both) hidden – yet searchable …anybody who knows me can find me by searching for my names…

    I have these NVs that I inspire fear…I am not approachable 🙁

    warm hugs,

  123.  #123Ella on August 29, 2011 at 9:27 pm

    Re 10

    I think many of the women on here have dated an addict of some kind at some point… including drug addicts.

    And I also think that probably everyone on here is capable of knowing how to report anything that they are worried about.

    Also what I see here is women working to overcome those issues.

    I don’t think its a feeling but I feel manipulated.

    Ok, maybe it is afraid. Off balance and threatened.

  124.  #124Starla on August 29, 2011 at 9:33 pm

    DE, And then if they do find you, your profile picture is not actually your face:)

    You just gotta make it a little easier for the numbers to increase. It’s a numbers game. The more cute guys there are on my friends list, the higher the odds are that one day 1 (or 15) will decide to pursue me. A lot of these guys didn’t interact with me at all on there until one day they just suddenly started for one reason or another. So keeping a picture of yourself up for a while might have some positive results.

  125.  #125DE on August 29, 2011 at 9:38 pm


    oh i see…:)

    i find it very touching/flattered when men who know me…say that the Goddess on my page…resembles me in reality 🙂 or I resemble her 🙂

    warm hugs,

  126.  #126Jilly on August 29, 2011 at 9:46 pm

    Lilybelle….((((hugs)))) I was hoping you were around!

    K it’s late for me 🙁

    and I just need to vent hopefully tomorrow I can share my thoughts and feelings..

    but tonight I get home from school and my roommate starts asking me about familyman (golfpro) and I started explaining how different I am now than I was (I know better than to explain myself…I always feel icky) and she thinks I’m still the same and that I’m hard 🙁 Hard on the outside 🙁 I know she doesn’t understand and the more I “try” and explain the worse I feel….ugggg..I dont need her approval..why am I acting like I do??? I don’t want to open up to her about familyman anymore I always seem to feel worse about myself 🙁 …I’m totally hormonal too should start my period in the next few days

  127.  #127Jilly on August 29, 2011 at 9:48 pm

    she thinks I’m hard on the outside because I don’t initiate or call or text first….uggggg…K that feels frustrating…i’ll feel better once I get some sleep

  128.  #128Starla on August 29, 2011 at 9:49 pm

    PLUM, 11

    I smoke weed. REPORT ME. For those of you who don’t know the slang term I just used for that ILLEGAL DRUG, I am referring to cannabis. I have some in my possession right now. I might even use it very, very soon. One day I’ll have babies, and unless I am reported asap I will be in charge of helpless children. REPORT ME. Please do your part to stop me from committing this heinous crime with this ILLEGAL DRUG.

    Thank you for saving me from myself.

  129.  #129Jilly on August 29, 2011 at 9:50 pm

    It’s called having effin boundaries lol

  130.  #130DE on August 29, 2011 at 9:51 pm

    My view on drugs…

    I think this is one topic I stayed away from…:)

    My ex husband was addicted big time to pot…and experimented with many others…during our nigh mares with our son…that i found out about later (i was a lot in the hospital …)

    For years, I felt hugely triggered by any form of drugs…including pot…

    Yet, I realize each person is affected by pot differently…

    Due to my personal experiences, I don’t believe that laws/enforcement would reduce the criminal activity in using pot or other drugs…but to the contrary…it would foster the illegal activity…

    The issue is not the existence of the drug…but rather the causes that are not addressed by a very hypocritical society…the need for connection, significance…

    My state recently passed the legalization of pot…for medical purposes…i embrace it…do u all know how much money are spent per year into treating chronic illnesses on people not covered by private insurance? Or the money the state pays for welfare recipients – especially children of drug addicts that end up in foster homes? or in prison? because they are found with pot in their packets?

    We all pay for everything…the law will not safe lives…unless saving a life is giving him/her the opportunity to choose for him/herself what feels good…empower people within…not enforce upon them rules/judgements/ and stigma…

  131.  #131Starla on August 29, 2011 at 10:01 pm

    fortunately the law doesn’t have to save lives with pot, since not a single person in all of human history has ever OD’d on marijuana. When I see people saying they have their reservations about the legalization of marijuana, yet they do not speak the same way about alcohol, which is far more harmful than marijuana, I feel really upset that misinformation can be so powerful at an emotional/belief level, even when the mind learns the real facts.

    At the end of the day, emotions trump facts. I feel helpless ahhhhhhh

    And I’m going to get off of this topic now:).

  132.  #132Starla on August 29, 2011 at 10:08 pm

    *save lives when it comes to pot

  133.  #133Emerson on August 29, 2011 at 11:01 pm

    I don’t know why, but I love this song right now

  134.  #134Rori Raye on August 29, 2011 at 11:13 pm

    Starla – thank you. Love your post. Love all of you. Love your pasts and presents. All is well. No more talk about reporting anything to anyone. Blocking all words around this topic…Back to love! This is a safe place…I’m going to sleep now, but will continue monitoring tomorrow am. Love, Rori

  135.  #135Rori Raye on August 29, 2011 at 11:29 pm

    Encouraging these guidelines: Back to Feeling Messages, no “advice,” all in “girl voice,” back to kindness, gentleness, expressing feeling triggered as a part of my own inner system and not caused by anyone else, Riffing rocks, “If it were me, I’d feel…” and thank you all for maintaining the lovely community vibe here …Love, Rori

  136.  #136Emerson on August 30, 2011 at 12:08 am

    Hi Rori!

    Hmm…sirens and Rori, I’ve noticed something about myself. I’m able to do the feeling messages and “control” my overfunctioning with men that I’m feeling “meh” about…not that interested…but with someone I am really interested in, it becomes much more of an effort for me.

    I think it’s because I am wanting to revert to old habits…and fear of the guy “not liking me” and wanting to “be nice” pop up..

    I want to heal this…I noticed this about myself over the weekend with recycledCD, whom I really really like!!!!

    I mean, I am able to do feeling messages and I have gotten way better at the overfunctioning thing, but it’s harder with him. Also, I used to associate with him before I found Rori’s tools…so I was leaning forward, overfunctioning all over the place..

  137.  #137Emerson on August 30, 2011 at 12:12 am

    I feel rage toward my NVs…they are telling me that a man is not going to love me enough to want to be with me and commit…not a man that I actually want to be with anyway.

    I took myself off all dating sites today. Kinda weary of profiles and the whole process. Need a break.

    This is not why I did it, but I had a very negative exchange with a guy I met online. I wish I never gave him my number. He was all bent out of shape because I don’t call him / text him back fast enough. Jeesh! I responded with feeling messages and he accused me of “games” and “drama”…yuck still creeps me out. I had a bad feeling about him anyway.

  138.  #138Ella on August 30, 2011 at 4:24 am

    Ok, Feeling much safer today.

    Right… time to de-clutter my life.

    Another Siren was asking for the link to Leo Barbuta’s website about Zen Habits.

    Here you go:


  139.  #139Daria on August 30, 2011 at 4:32 am

    Emerson – you asked about not speaking – yes SILENCE

    Rori says to practice being silent (or else share a feeling message)

    she said a woman being comfortable with silence is halfway there (to sireness)…

    i used to practice silence a LOT when i first started CDing

    of course i still practice silence, i mostly notice i have it down now… it creates me a very sexy attractive space to be silent with a man and let him lead the convo when he’s ready (even when it seems he’s waiting for me – i wait him out)

    rori says we can also say… ‘wow im feeling kinda uncomfortable with all the silence’

    sometimes when we feel uncomfortable

  140.  #140Daria on August 30, 2011 at 4:40 am

    feels so good to have Rori around posting!

    i loved it when rori welcomed posters, evn tho they may have gone into moderation first… it felt reassuring taht they were getting a rori energy welcome instead of getting through and maybe feeling lost and latching on to ideas to find out they weren’t in line with rori, etc

    *I* felt more lost too

  141.  #141Esteemed on August 30, 2011 at 4:47 am


    RE: Daria’s #141 – Ditto! 🙂

    Hugs, B

  142.  #142Ella on August 30, 2011 at 5:13 am

    Hi SLV,

    Thanks for giving me some practical options about privacy.

    I am going to mull it over and see what feels right.

    It is a tricky one as the whole point for me was that I wanted to be open and authentic, and myself, and not have to hide anything.

    Having said that I want my businesses to do well and I want to keep myself safe and I do not feel good to think about the men in my life having access to the posts I write here.

    So I am going to explore the options…

    Big Hugs.

    Ella. x

  143.  #143Susan on August 30, 2011 at 5:29 am

    RE: 76: jupiter2 says:

    “diluting the clear sexual signal that men associated with the invitation , or that I myself unconsciously did. Not cooking for men tiall after a lot of dates has made that clear to me. Some of them remove themselves from my world early on after dropping hints about spending time at my place and they will bring the wine.”

    I agree on this! Early in dating someone, inviting them for dinner implies sex and possibly the first sexual encounter.

    And you are also right that I am in a relationship and cooking for a man while in a relationship feels very natural. We’ve had his adult kids over for meals as well. I love it. Cooking is art for me. It is peaceful and the whole process is a joy for me… Except the dirty dishes, which he generally does.

  144.  #144DE on August 30, 2011 at 6:33 am

    KS #15:

    Just noticed your post…Ella actually made reference to it…not sure if u intended the post to me 🙂

    Anyway here is the link to the zen habits site…

    warm hugs,

  145.  #145Esteemed on August 30, 2011 at 6:50 am

    Any day now, my life will come together. I just need to keep stepping, baby stepping. I felt panicky and anxious a lot during the night, and I woke up a lot, feeling shots of adrenaline fighting my need to sleep.

    Be still! Be still! Over and over I have to quiet myself. In fact, managing my feelings of pressure and overwhelmedness and stress takes a huge amount of time and emotional energy for me.

    Not sure why, but I feel shy about riffing.

    I felt good to take my meds this morning. I took care of myself. I feel inept at taking care of myself, because my life is in such a mess.

    The lady from the employment agency called this morning to tell me they are just waiting on the results of the background check before I start, and it will probably be late this week or Tuesday at the latest.

    We are emotional creatures born to love and be loved. It’s sad how difficult that can be sometimes, how unattainable harmony seems among people who all long for the same thing: to simply love and be loved.

    I think unconditional love and unfailing love are seldom seen on earth, and they are the glue that ties us together, even when our shortcomings are hanging out. I love a person, and if they do me wrong, I don’t like what they did, but I still love the person. I often say to R: “I love you and accept you exactly the way you are!”

    I’m a love smuggler. Loving is what I do best. I wish I could have a career giving real love to people all day long. I feel grieved when I see people at odds. I want everyone to love, and yet I know in this imperfect world, it’s just not possible.

    I love each of you! Esteemed

  146.  #146Lyka on August 30, 2011 at 6:56 am

    I have decided not to talk to my boss re. my working hours being cut. I will let it go and see what happens. Perhaps it is a sign for me to start working towards something I really enjoy, like being a personal trainer. Selling sex toys is not something that parallels my beliefs anyway. It’s just a job to pay the bills, rent and food for the time being. Also, I find that I’m not doing the earth a favour selling them. What I mean by that is that they break very quickly and people just throw them out without a second thought. Lots and lots of plastic, silicone, latex, etc. being thrown out, I don’t enjoy it one bit.

    I am not a good salesperson anyway, I hate bullshitting people. It feels like I’m playing a game and I don’t like it.

    There is also one more thing I’m thinking about: my bf has a house in the country and I’d really like to start a garden there. I’m thinking I could grow vegetables and fruits and sell them through CSA (Community Supported Agriculture). His backyard is huge so I’m sure something great could come out of this. I’m positive people would enjoy buying and eating nice organic food.

    I still haven’t talked to him about it but I will when we see each other in a few weeks. I don’t feel comfortable talking about it on the phone, I want to see how he will react physically.

    It’s nice to have projects like that, I’ve never had such big ambitions in my whole life. 🙂

  147.  #147Esteemed on August 30, 2011 at 6:56 am

    We each have a free will. When I love someone, they have the horrible freedom to reject my love. And so it’s a risk. But a life without love is no life at all.

    I want to have the most stupendous romance of history! I want to build such a deep love and trust between my man and me that we just ooze with love all day and all night. I want to turn simple moments into romantic moments, doing things selflessly for my man at every turn…little love notes, remembering little details of his life that he shares with me…

    I think one of the best ways to show love is to listen. There is more to life than increasing its pace. Sometimes there’s nothing more important to do than petting the cat, or watching the breeze caress the leaves and branches of a tree, or listening to a friend share his or her heart and mind and soul.

  148.  #148Esteemed on August 30, 2011 at 6:59 am


    Re: #147 – Go for it! Sounds like really productive thinking!

  149.  #149Esteemed on August 30, 2011 at 7:00 am

    I just got a call that my start date for my job is September 6th! Yay! It’s finally final! It’s finally a done deal! I will finally have health insurance! I feel so excited and happy about the new job!

    Now that will set the stage for the rest of my life coming together.

  150.  #150Lyka on August 30, 2011 at 7:06 am


    RE 148 – Ditto! 🙂

  151.  #151Lyka on August 30, 2011 at 7:08 am

    Oops I meant 149, Esteemed. Sorry!

    And I’m so glad you finally know where to stand re. start date! I’m sure things will start to fall into place and you will find what you’re longing for, all of it! 🙂

  152.  #152Lyka on August 30, 2011 at 7:33 am

    #145 – DE:

    Thank you so much for that link, it really makes a lot of sense to me. I’m already doing a lot of these things already. Of course, working only 25 hours a week gives me a lot of free time. Ah!

    I really want to live a less stressful life, a simpler life and I’m working towards achieving that.

  153.  #153Susan on August 30, 2011 at 7:33 am

    RE: 150: Esteemed

    Congrats on the job!!!

  154.  #154Esteemed on August 30, 2011 at 8:02 am

    Susan and Lyka,

    Thanks! I feel excited for the job and super anxious about my living situation. I am leaving here tomorrow and so far my only solution is to stay at a cheap motel. I found one for $260 a week. But it’s counterproductive to saving money for an apartment. But yet we need a safe place to stay. Not even sure if they’ll keep my cats. They may kick me out. But what can I do??

    The only other thing I can think of is to find a private place to camp. But then if someone finds me, I’ll get in trouble. I just can’t afford the campgrounds. Few are cheaper than this motel, and they don’t allow me to leave the dogs while I’m at work.

    Just thinking out loud, cuz my thots are going in circles about what to do. I’m going to pack and clean my room today. It will take at least two car loads to remove everything, cuz I brought my desk top here, and I have a fan and AC, etc.

    I’m not very happy with my life right now, but I’m good at surviving.

  155.  #155Femininewoman on August 30, 2011 at 8:58 am

    RE 147 Lyka I feel a bit of fear around what you wrote about the garden project. Though you did not ask for a comment please allow me to share my thoughts.

    If you are not currently living with him it might create the apperance that you are thinking about it and he might end up feeling pressured. Maybe I would share such a thing as something I am dreaming of doing in the future and how it relates to my purpose without the focus of a particular place to do it. He might feel inspired to offer you his background. However assuming that it is okay for you to use it…..hhhmm

  156.  #156Esteemed on August 30, 2011 at 9:09 am


    What a beautiful article!

  157.  #157Esteemed on August 30, 2011 at 9:12 am

    Tonight is my goodbye party that M offered. She had me invite a few friends from church, so V, D, and E are coming, too. She asked me my favorite meal and dessert, so we’re having mexican food with guacamole and cheesecake! She settled on chicken fajitas. I feel a little weird and a little honored.

    Weird because, as D worded it, “What? A dinner to turn you out on the streets?? That’s bizarre!”

    Honored because I know M really does love me and care. She has a shell around herself that feels impenetrable. She feels a need to have her home back, even tho I’m still in crisis, yet she is making gestures to show that she still loves me and cares. And it will be nice to have my friends around me to talk with. A rare meal to look forward to without loneliness.

    Back to packing and cleaning…

  158.  #158Femininewoman on August 30, 2011 at 9:25 am

    Sharing some info I got


    Conversation, like love, is a two-way street. A relationship works best when love is regularly given and received by both parties. And likewise, a date works best when you listen as much as you talk!

    Let’s face it — we women are born “sharers.” We love talking, sharing, and ranting. It’s “therapy” for us, and
    that’s why we spend a lot of time with our girlfriends.

    Men, on the other hand, are generally good listeners — but there’s only so much ranting they can take!

    Men like to talk too, and you’ll be surprised at how much you could learn from them. All it takes is to be quiet for a while, and listen closely to the things he has to say.

    His opinions may differ from yours, but if you like him, then it’s important NOT to disagree with them outright. Instead of shooting his opinion down, just say, “Hmm, that’s interesting. I’ve always thought about it differently, but you may be right, too.”

    Men like to talk too. And when you show a genuine interest in him, he’s going to like you more!


    Men have huge egos, and they secretly want everyone they meet to like them. That’s why they like it so much when you listen to them and consider their opinions — it makes them feel important!

    But here’s the thing — it’s important not to be TOO interested. Sometimes, when you let him do the talking, and you listen and agree with everything he
    says, then he’ll start feeling suspicious. He’ll feel you’re being TOO interested, and he’ll feel as though you like him a little too much.

    Too much of a good thing can be pretty bad!

    Men don’t like needy, desperate, clingy women who rush into relationships. And when you’re being too interested, you’re giving him the impression that you’re
    one of “those” kinds of women.

    So what does he do? Of course — he’ll try to avoid you. There goes that second date!

    So remember to keep a balance throughout the date. Talk about as much as you listen, and keep things light and fun. And feel free to swap numbers after the
    date, but don’t suggest the second date. That’s his job.

  159.  #159Femininewoman on August 30, 2011 at 9:32 am

    Patty Contenta

    Are you constantly feeling like you’re not enough?

    Not young enough…
    Not beauti ful enough…
    Not accomplished enough…
    Not thin enough…

    Are you constantly living with the fear that you may never find the right man that will accept you completely?

    Well, I know that feeling all to well. I have had many relationships that each ended with the guy dumping me. It would always start on a high note and then something would happen to change all of that. And
    I remember in those moments feeling like what could I have done better? Was I not enough of a woman for him to see my value? Why am I such a failure? Crazy thoughts like that!

    I needed to do some deep inner work to remind myself of the beautiful woman that I am on the inside and out. I needed to be gentle with myself all over
    again. And I needed to change my thoughts…and fast!

    I began by accepting myself for being where I am. This means, take that little girl and remind her eve ry day how wonderful life is! With every tiny step and
    every thought, I was going to get my confidence back!

    So I started by understanding the meaning of love.


    The ability to see what I like which brings forth the FEELING of love within me. So when something makes me feel good…then I love it! That’s it! Pretty simple isn’t it?

    The moment LOVE became less massive, it was easy to feel it every day. Then I began my journey to build a solid foundation where I love myself completely. A foundation that would be unshakable!

    In order to make my inner self believe that I accepted and loved myself, I needed start looking for any opportunity to smile. I know this seems simple but it REALLY works!

    For example, I’d be driving in my car listening to music and singing along out loud, this felt great! Every time I ate a healthy meal I would express the delicious feelings my palette was having! When I saw a dog, I made an effort to pet it and be playful with it as it wagged it’s tail! I would lie on the grass and feel the breeze against my skin and feel grateful for living in a place where I am free to express my dreams! When I went to the market I would welcome a conversation with a farmer and smile as he answered my questions about a produce! As I walked down the street, I would do my sensual walk and smile at every man driving that noticed and appreciated my wagger! I would smile while riding my bike at fellow bikers that looked my way!

    It became MY responsibility to feel love, joy and happiness…not a man’s. I was tired of being dependant on what a man did or did not do in order to feel loved.

    Confidence is all about being secure with loving yourself. Finding the best things about you and han ging out there! And in those moments when you get triggered by a love song, a car, a picture…you do every thing to bounce back in because CONFIDENCE is loving who you are and what you do every day.

    This is why my body language techniques are an easy physical way to experience just that…CONFIDENCE!

    When you use your body to enhance your inner feminine beauty…you get instant confidence! Granted you need to make sure your thoughts are congruent with your body or else you’re doing something from a place of disbelief.

  160.  #160Daria on August 30, 2011 at 9:33 am

    feeling excited! it felt great to spread mud on myself and my mom and her friend finally did their whole face too!

    this time i did not feel disgusted but goddessy!

    and i feel so energetic right now1

    my scar seems to have healed from me having extra mud on it to protect it from the sun

    im feeling lovely!

    i feel so helpless and sad when i read about Esteemed’s situation and not wanting to give up her animals

    it feels awful to me and i can so relate that is how my fears show up that i will be put in situations that feel heartbreaking and desperate

    and reading about that situation is a confirmation of the nv’s about ‘cruel world’ and such

    and about ‘getting in trouble’ for camping out


    Goddess please heal this for us!

    Wsteemed i so would encourage you to riff in the ‘in the body way’ it is private in some ways as does not involve thoughts and is a huge huge tool and the key to healing and transforming the emotions for me so i dont continue my patterns helplessly

  161.  #161Femininewoman on August 30, 2011 at 9:40 am

    Carol Allen
    So what’s the difference between being needy and being affectionate?

    When you’re needy you tell a man how much you feel for him, not out of love but out of the hope that he’ll say loving things back.

    When you’re needy your displays of affection will feel like demands for attention and won’t ring true.

    When you’re needy you lose your composure easily.

    When you’re needy you over-analyze his every move.

    When you’re needy you put your life on hold, stopping all hobbies and not seeing your girlfriends, in the hopes that you’ll be with him all the time.

    When you’re needy you don’t make plans without consulting him. You stop doing the things you love if they are things he doesn’t care for.

    When you’re needy you make too much effort on his behalf – you do his chores, feed his cats, and run his errands, thinking he’ll like it.

    And you’ll be utterly crushed when he won’t (and I guarantee you he WON’T).

    When you’re needy you’re so stuck in your own feelings that you can’t even tell that you’re pushing him away.

    You can’t see his reactions or his discomfort in the face of your bottomless pit of needs.

    In truth, you can’t see him at all – all you can see is what you want. (And that’s about as unattractive as a girl can get.)

    If a man doesn’t call as often as you’d like or make as many plans as you want, instead of thinking, “Perhaps he’s feeling overwhelmed in his life, or maybe he’s simply not available for a full relationship,” you’ll think it’s about YOU.

    You’ll think EVERYTHING is about you.

    When you’re a high status, confident, affectionate woman, on the other hand, you have the ability to step outside of yourself and see what’s really going on.

    You’re able to trust your instincts and understand the behavior of others so that you know how to best respond in a calm, cool way.

    You’re able to contain yourself, even as your feelings for a man deepen and the stakes of the relationship get high.

    You’re able to sense when the time is right to share your special feelings for a man, and do so out of a desire to deepen your connection to him, moving the relationship to the next level.

    You don’t give up the things or people important in your life to please anyone.

    You continue to make plans and pursue goals, without waiting for the man’s approval.

    You wait to find the man right for you before committing yourself fully to a relationship.

    You never do a man’s chores, (that is until you share his name and wear his ring and he’s doing yours, too!) – though you may feed his cats if you really like his cats.

    But only if it’s convenient and he appreciates it.

    (BTW, it’s an excellent sign of his emotional development and spiritual advancement if he has cats! I’m just sayin’… J)

    And you’re loving toward him when you feel loving feelings… and when he’s shown loving feelings toward you.

    I know what you’re thinking: “But Carol, I know a TON of women who played hard to get and it WORKED.”

    Well, I know a ton who didn’t and it worked, too! (Most of the best marriages I know were started by the woman even making the first move – including mine…)

    But here’s the deal, because of the way we’re all socialized and because of millions of years of Human history in which men were hunters and women were gatherers, most men do seem to enjoy taking the lead IN THE BEGINNING of a relationship.

    It does seem to be the winning strategy with those testosterone-based beings, to let them do the heavy lifting for a while…

    So I do advise women to be patient and wait for the man to make most of the initial moves – the calls, the plans, the paying, etc..

    Studies do show, as well, that the number one reason men stop calling a new woman they’ve been seeing is if she gets too serious too soon – if she speaks as though they are a couple before he’s said he’s ready for that.

    These same studies ALSO show that women are universally ready to be a full couple in HALF the time that men are, so it’s a good idea to wait for the man to signal that he’s ready and it’s what he wants before spilling your guts out to him and possibly scaring him off.

    But once he spills his guts, if you feel the same way then you gotta let him catch you – so spill away, too!

    And when you do, he’ll feel like he won the World Cup!

    If, however, you do as my client did – you keep deflecting his efforts and being elusive and keeping him guessing as to your inner landscape even once he’s tried to claim you, he’ll get bored and even discouraged.

    Men have feelings too, you know

  162.  #162Femininewoman on August 30, 2011 at 9:44 am

    Did You Know:
    Men have an easier time being angry and expressing anger than saying “This hurts.”
    Source: Michelle Weiner-Davis

  163.  #163Daria on August 30, 2011 at 9:48 am

    Dear Daria,

    Circular Dating is the “laboratory section” of the course we could call “Love 101.”

    It’s practicing with REAL men – “in the field!” It’s “Research and Development.”

    And it will change your life, like it did mine.

    When I was struggling, many years ago, to turn one date into many dates, and many dates into a long-term relationship, and turn dead-end non- relationships into marriage – I was just floundering.

    Then I realized that my problem was that I was putting all my hopes and dreams into any one man before getting to know him and decide if HE was right for me.

    But when I first attempted to date more than one man at a time it felt impossible. And then it started working in ways I never imagined, and I could feel how fantastic it was!

    All of a sudden, I felt powerful. For the first time in my life.

    For the first time, I actually started to have FUN – no matter what a man was doing around me – instead of putting all my energy and heart into worrying about where things were going and how to make happen what I wanted to happen.

    I call this technique I figured out for myself Circular Dating, and as my clients and readers experiment and have amazing success Circular Dating and tell me their stories, every day I know how incredibly powerful a tool it is for you.

    If you can look at Circular Dating as gathering data instead of as trying to make something happen, you’ll move much faster, feel much better and actually have fun!

    Circular Dating is a mindset, a complete sort of “reframing” of the whole idea of “dating,” an attitude, with a very nuts-and-bolts way of working your life in public.

    The idea is to use this Tool with every man you meet as an opportunity to learn more about what you want in a relationship WHILE attracting the right man to you.

    Here are some ways to think about how to USE men in your life to HELP you – instead of trying to “get” from them the love, affection, attention and commitment they should actually be REQUIRED to WANT to give to you in order to have the privilege of being with you:

    1. Keep reinforcing the mental and intellectual idea in your MIND that Circular Dating will help you UNDO your old patterns.

    The idea is: Your old ways of thinking, feeling and responding to men – the way you’ve been trained to “be” with men – have all been working AGAINST you.

    You want to jettison some of your old systems of relating and responding and speaking and doing and being, and you want to shift some of them. And some you want to completely reverse.

    And still, you shouldn’t beat yourself up for those things you’ve been thinking, doing and saying.

    We don’t want to judge them – we want to BUILD WITH them, to USE what you’ve already got in your personal warehouse. To FIND a way to use them. We want to use EVERYTHING you’ve ever learned, ever known, ever seen, ever experienced – to HELP you get to a NEW place.

    We want to make MORE of you – not less.

    For instance, if you’re going on a car journey then knowing how to drive is helpful (even if you have to re-learn and re-do some driving skills…)

    2. Keep convincing YOURSELF of the elegance of this fact: that to undo old patterns that aren’t working, you have to discover and uncover those patterns.

    What you’re going for here is a string of “aha” moments.

    Convince yourself of the truth that getting information and analyzing will do you only so much good. ( We all know how frustrating it is to KNOW something but just not be able to shift it…)

    Make it up, if you have to, until you have the actual EVIDENCE (and you will, quickly, as you Circular Date with this new mindset) to keep you going – that these new patterns will be true for you:

    3. To undo the patterns once you’ve discovered them, you have to EXPERIENCE the little discoveries with your whole mind/heart/body/ spirit.

    This means you have to:

    >>>Welcome – in fact INVITE – being triggered.

    >>>Be constantly in “investigation” mode.

    Ask yourself questions like “how do I feel?” and “why am I here” and “who is this man and why is he here in front of me?”

    You have to catch when you’re giving to “get”.

    That’s because your being a “giving” person will make any man who is a natural “giver” NOT be attracted to you!

    A man who wants to give needs a woman who is willing to receive. And for most of us, love only feels like it’s happening when we give.

    And so we have to practice.

    4. Circular Dating is all about your practice.

    >>>First – simply practice NOT giving (this is where the “toads” come in very, very handy for practice, because it makes not giving easier, less intense, less scary).

    >>>Then, you practice RECEIVING – which looks and feels like you opening your heart.

    (This step requires a man a little more attractive to you than a “toad” – but not so attractive that it makes opening your heart too intense, chancy and scary.)

    So, again, you don’t really need your dream man to show up right away for your practice. (He will when you least expect it, and you won’t likely recognize him as your dream man right off anyway.) The thing here is for you to NOT stop practicing when he shows up (or when you think it’s him showing up).

    This is a lifetime practice.

    And all along the way of practice:

    5. You’re going to feel stuff.

    You’re going to feel stuff you want to feel (thrills and chills and fun).

    And you’ll also feel stuff you don’t want to feel, like grief. That’s because as things change and you start down different roads that will lead you to new, love-filled places… you feel in limbo, in transit. You feel grief for the old road. Really, truly, we do feel grief at leaving our old roads behind. This is completely normal.

    That’s why:

    6. Circular Dating is “school.”

    It’s “Love 101.” It’s “How did I get to this place marked “No Love”, and how do I switch course and get myself to the place marked “Plenty of Love?”

    Forever is just a bunch of moments strung together. One after the other. And the only way to experience that is to start treasuring the experiencing of MOMENTS. Each one, one at a time.

    So, if you have an experience with a man – even a 10-second encounter – I want you to HONOR that. I want you to investigate what went on during those 10 seconds and be curious about what happened, about the man, and about you. The way to break the old patterns of behavior is to try new ones.

    And then, yes, you’ve opened up a new door in the pathways of your life.

    You’ve opened up a place where you can choose between behaviors where there may never have been a choice before.

    Yes, you may be attracted to “bad boys,” you might go down some wrong roads, you may get stuck, you may go so far into great new things you scare yourself silly. But you can choose to not feel helpless before all that and just keep going to Circular Dating School.

    It’s a home study course, and you are the teacher, the manager and the student. Love is your field of interest, and men are in the field.

    Men are all in the laboratory out there, and because they’re participating with you in your home study course, they are both the elements of it, the experiment of it, the study subjects of it and your teachers of it, your free therapists of it, your providers of experience of it, your study partners of it, your messengers of it, your school friends of it, your lovers of it.

    They’re the backdrop and the action and the population of your “story” every moment of every day.

    Use them as they wish to be used – for the good of love and for the good of you. If you’re always practicing speaking the truth, then what is good for love and good for you will be good for them, too.

    If you’d like me to walk you through how to do this – complete with exercises, new motivating attitudes and tons of easy, FUN and fast Tools that WORK – it’s all in my Targeting Mr. Right program.

    I even insist that my clients get “Targeting” rather than take a private session with me, because you’ll have me there with you – and all the incredible information and Tools – 24/7. You can watch it ALL the time, so you’ll NEVER feel confused.

    With Targeting Mr. Right, you’ll know exactly HOW to use your “boy” energy so that you can just “rest” in your Siren, “girl” energy out in the world, and draw men to you from everywhere – all the time.

    Finally, you’ll be able to relax and enjoy dating for what it was meant to be – a way to draw to YOU the man and the relationship you’ve always wanted.

    Don’t ever hold a man up higher than you hold yourself.

    Practice letting the “men out in the field” into your heart until you feel so solid inside that the fear of letting ’em all see who you are just drops away.

    I know you can do this, and that it will work for you SO quickly, just like it did for me.

    Circular Dating and my tools in Targeting Mr. Right CONTINUE to work for me – even though I’m incredibly happily, harmoniously and thrillingly long-time married – by always keeping me feeling steady, confident, beautiful, desired and powerful.

    I want this for you, too, so let me know how Circular Dating and my other powerful Tools in Targeting Mr. Right work for you.

    Love, Rori

  164.  #164Rori Raye on August 30, 2011 at 9:56 am

    Jupiter and all – I am blocking all discussion around the word “drug.” Not trying to edit it out – just not posting it. This is not the topic of this blog, and opinions and advice are not the way I want to see us operate (I and some professional friends and coaches like Tinque, Orna, Allana, Virginia…are the only exceptions – and if you’re a coach and want to express yourself as such, please let me know in the post…and I still expect gentleness, kindness and meeting of us all where we “are” instead of where you “want” us to be….).

    I am Rori Raye because I’m Rori Raye. My voice is my voice. My Tools and philosophy are everywhere here to be found. You’re here, I hope because you want to work on my Tools. Speaking in Feeling Messages, coming from the heart, expressing Feminine Energy, speaking from the safe “I Formation” – “I feel…” (and “I feel that….is not a Feeling Message or an “I Formation” – it’s an opinion) is the Tool I want used here. The goal is emotional availability and vulnerability. We’re supposed to be expressing here – it doesn’t have to make sense. (We’re not Huffington Post…)

    If you are not sure about what I’m about because you found this blog before you found Rori Raye – please, I encourage you to read as much as you can here and to download my ebook by pressing the book photo in the sidebar. This will help you understand my method and the way we speak here, and why it’s not about opinions and advice – but about support for emotional rawness and vulnerability.

    The best way to protect yourself so that you can say ANYTHING here is to stay anonymous. No one can see anything except your made-up name. Don’t put out your email address or real name, or the name of anyone you know in your comments…Make it up! Feel free to try on new behavior, to practice talking here as you’d like to talk to a man…role-play….we’re here for PRACTICE! There are stoner blogs and all kinds of sexual blogs out there. We are as mild and girly as you can get and no one out there is looking here for anything but girl stuff. You are as safe as you can be in cyberspace. And I will guard you 100%. Facebook is another story entirely. That’s why I don’t have buttons for liking comments and all kinds of stuff (though I’d like you to “Like” my posts – that will help the traffic here, which helps us get new blood in here that KNOW what we’re doing here!) Love, Rori

    I send my clients and women who write me here because of the great community you’ve created and the feminine feel of the help you all offer. I want it to stay that way. Girls Rock! Love, Rori

  165.  #165Rori Raye on August 30, 2011 at 9:59 am

    I love Michelle Weiner-Davis…and if you want to read a great book on why men withdraw from sex – read this one: “He’s Just Not Up For It Anymore” by Bob Berkowitz. If you’re dating men over 40 – you’re likely dealing with this – and it just puts what we’re doing here communication-wise and feeling-wise into top priority….Love, Rori

  166.  #166Emerson on August 30, 2011 at 10:43 am

    140 Daria thank you and I love you for sharing this. xoxo
    Soo liberating!! I like how you said you will wait out a man and he can lead the convo when he’s ready. I am sometimes known to be the life of the party and I am used to entertaining people when I’m in groups…so I have to practice this less bodacious side of Emerson! And I like her!

    Yesterday with recycledCD, we were eating together and I felt ok being silent,,, but then the overfunctioning side of me was telling me I should be blurting out feeling messages or something, to try to connect with him. I was trying to think of something to say, but I just kept quiet and did the waterwheel for a minute.
    It was that urgency/trying to hard feeling for a moment that I want to connect with him and his heart at that very second…and the truth is we already WERE CONNECTED..
    I kept silent and I felt ok.
    But it’s now a day later that I’m looking back at the little stuff like that and I’m able to identify it as wanting to overfunction!

  167.  #167Emerson on August 30, 2011 at 10:46 am

    Daria the mud treatments sound heavenly! 🙂

  168.  #168Daria on August 30, 2011 at 10:46 am

    Emerson – awesome! i love noticing that feeling of me wanting to chatter or something to cover up feeling uncomfortable (and not doing it) – i imagine that That is where my attractive magic is happening !

  169.  #169Senior Lady Vibe on August 30, 2011 at 10:49 am

    @18: tinque


  170.  #170Emerson on August 30, 2011 at 10:53 am

    160 FW thank you for posting this, I enjoyed reading it and found it helpful!

  171.  #171Senior Lady Vibe on August 30, 2011 at 10:58 am

    @39: jupiter2 says:
    “…Glad you are ok SLV…”

    Me too. Tinque had a “swimming pool” depth of water in her basement!

    I’m excited to learn of your travels and it’s inspiring me. Thanks for your kind words in another another post.


  172.  #172Senior Lady Vibe on August 30, 2011 at 11:03 am

    @75: DE says:
    “… i feel angry for not having my bday acknowledged…:( …”

    I’m sending more although belated birthday greetings! Happy Birthday. YAY!

    It can be disappointing when other people forget or are less enthusiastic but I celebrate my own birthdays BIG TIME! (mostly for long periods of time and frequently!) 😉

    I hope you got yourself a couple birthday gifts. And if you didn’t, go get some! And if you did already, go get some more! And tell us what you got! They don’t have to big gifts, little things you’ve thought about getting for yourself can be very cheering. Places to go, things to do… can really be fun too.

    H-A-P-P-Y B-I-R-T-H-D-A-Y! 😀


  173.  #173tinque on August 30, 2011 at 11:14 am

    Tmizz – “I feel confused. I don’t have answers.”

    Patience. The truth always comes out eventually. You don’t have to ask for it or push for it. And this goes the other way too. The question is who is willing and open to seeing it.

    Who knows what’s going on in his head. Please don’t even try to go there. You’ll only confuse yourself more and worse, torment yourself.

    Just go with it. If it doesn’t feel good, you have the choice at any time to say no thank you.

    If it ever does feel good, SAY SO.


  174.  #174Senior Lady Vibe on August 30, 2011 at 11:22 am

    @105: Wildflower says:
    “.. Is it possible to get so good at meeting your own needs that you no longer need a man?…”

    Yes. Yippee! Then it’s time to meet men! 😀

    “… I feel worried a man might recognize that I don’t need him and be more attracted to someone needier…”

    But I might DESIRE him! WANT him! I think that’s more attractive than being a needy lump, giving off vibes of desperation.


  175.  #175Lilybelly on August 30, 2011 at 11:33 am

    I would very much like a Mud Bath…

  176.  #176tinque on August 30, 2011 at 11:36 am

    Oh Happy Day Esteemed!!! YAY!!!


  177.  #177Femininewoman on August 30, 2011 at 11:38 am

    Oh Gosh Lil I read 176 and immediately my mind went back to when I was a child going to the country side during summer break and looking at piglets doing that. Sorry if I offend you but it brought back a memory of my little brother saying “look at the huge rat trembling in the rain”.

  178.  #178Lilybelly on August 30, 2011 at 11:42 am


    Wow, FW…not offensive to me…hopefully it was a pleasant memory.

    I was thinking of the pampering mud baths.. 😉

    It would feel so luxurious to me!

  179.  #179Jen on August 30, 2011 at 11:44 am

    Hi ladies,

    This is off topic, but I was wonder if I could get some unbias insight from you…

    My bf and I have been together for a little over 6 years. I have never been super close to his family, but we have always been respectful of each other (which is great!). However lately I have been getting a little mix messages from them…mainly his mother and sister. Not quite cold, but a little snubbish. I am not sure if it is just in my head or if something is really wrong. (They can be a little two face which is a reason why I am not super close to them.) What has brought this up is teh other day I found a thank you card that my bf sister sent to him thanking him for a christening gift to her daughter. I gave a separate gift as well, but no thank you card. I don’t know what to make of it or how to handle it…the christening was a few months ago so I feel petty bringing it up. Any advice. I hate to admit, but it is really bothering me. I don’t want them to dislike me (even though I know I have no control on how them feel about me). I have even tried to invite them to things, but they always decline. I am not sure what to do…if anything.

  180.  #180Emerson on August 30, 2011 at 11:55 am

    Esteemed, that is wonderful about your new job! Congrats and hugs!

  181.  #181Esteemed on August 30, 2011 at 12:23 pm


    Happy Birthday!!

  182.  #182Esteemed on August 30, 2011 at 12:25 pm


    RE: #161 – Thank you so much! I will do the riffing. No time right now tho.

  183.  #183Esteemed on August 30, 2011 at 12:29 pm

    thanks everyone for your encouragement and caring!

  184.  #184Lilybelly on August 30, 2011 at 12:30 pm


    I am feeling very excited for you. You are on your way!

  185.  #185Emoticon on August 30, 2011 at 12:32 pm

    Ok Sirens
    Just an update!! I have not texted my ex at all. Its been only a short time, but at least i dont have the urge to. I didn’t even text him to let him get my new number! And that is something I would have done in the past. He probably would have been the first person to get my new number so I feel like I have come a long way.

    Had to turn down a date today because this guy wanted me to open up my apartment to have a cheap date with him.(movie and takeout) I understand we’re college students so his budget might be tight but whats wrong with your apartment??) I told him i did not want to hang out at my apt. He has yet to txt back. And thats fine…. as long as i dont have to have a guy come over wit chicken and a DVD!! 🙂 lol

    So i have this one guy to call back. He called me too early this morning and It was just waaaay to early for me so he asked me to call him back, which I will later. I was so preoccupied I almost forgot 2 call him. I wil later though!! I did call this one guy this morning, he sent me his number on twitter and asked me to call him.

    I realize i feel much more at ease talking to guys on the phone because I’m just like whatever. Nothing to lose here. If they like me cool… if they dont, oh well “on to the next” (Jay-Z voice) lol.

    CDing is great!! Leaning back is even better!! Thank You Rori 😀

  186.  #186Susan on August 30, 2011 at 12:49 pm

    RE: 180: Jen

    I spent 21 years of marriage dealing with that kind of thing. I never successfully dealt with it and the DH never stood up for me, so I still have hurt feeling over many things.

    In the thank you card you found, does it mention the gift you gave? Or has your gift been ignored completely?

    I’m interested in what the others have to offer on this.

  187.  #187Femininewoman on August 30, 2011 at 12:57 pm

    Jen are you 100% positive that it is true that every invite you give them have been turned down?

  188.  #188Jen on August 30, 2011 at 1:03 pm

    @ 188: 100%…no probably not 100%…

  189.  #189Daria on August 30, 2011 at 1:03 pm

    i wish rori had some stuff too on healing our family relationships

    i am using the tools and still feel a bit lost sometimes

    for example my mom came in with great groceries but seemed distant and tired – i felt sad and lonely but didn’t know how to express that

    this has probably happened most of my life

    and then i said… i feel sad to see you seeming tired.

    and she says i am tired

    and i said ohh… can i help you with something?

    now wondering if myabe offering help was NOT the way to go

    writing it here to notice


    and she said no

    i said ok. im sorry youre not feeling good and quickly left – i actually felt scared at this point and basically ran away


    maybe the thing to say is “i feel kind of disconnected from you when you seem tired like right now… and i feel sad”

    props to me for saying a feeling message!

    yay babysteps!

    this will soon be healed!

    that would feel amazing

    feling a lil sad and lost right now though


    update feeling much better

    was craving carrots and cooked myself a carrot meal yum

  190.  #190Daria on August 30, 2011 at 1:10 pm

    Emoticon – way to go aobut feeling confident… and you know, Rori actually says its great for men to come over to Your house, and you don’t want to spend a lot of time at theirs

    feels surprising to me!


    i dont feel comfortable having company over where i live with my family, so taht doesn;t work for me

    but am super looking forward to having my own place to live and so excited about being able to have guys come over!

    (and then the triggering practice of not cooking for them, or having them leave when i dont want company anymore… etc)


  191.  #191Wildflower on August 30, 2011 at 1:31 pm

    I feel alone and afraid
    and that feels like butterflies in my chest and a lump in my throat
    il ove the butterflies and lump
    i feel exhausted and confused
    and that feels like pain in my head
    i love the pain in my head
    i feel worried
    and that feels like tightness in my chest
    i love the tightness
    i feel butterflies in my chest
    love the butterflies
    i’m imagining they are glittery and flying around
    i feel a wee bit smiley

  192.  #192Wildflower on August 30, 2011 at 1:34 pm

    i feel ANGER, RAGE, pissed off, frustrated and that feels like clenched teeth and fist
    i love my clench teeth
    i feel sadness and a sense of loss
    i feel dissapointed
    i love my dissapointment
    that feels like a wave in my body
    i’m imagining the wave is like the beautiful ocean
    the ocean feels relaxing

    am i doing this riffing right???? thanks 🙂

  193.  #193Wildflower on August 30, 2011 at 1:35 pm

    Luzydel and SLV thanks for your input on my other question!

  194.  #194English Woman on August 30, 2011 at 1:37 pm

    #150 Esteemed B

    YAY!! At last, such great news about the job, you are on the first rung of the ladder, well done!! xxx

  195.  #195English Woman on August 30, 2011 at 1:43 pm

    #158 Esteemed B

    Feeling good about M throwing a party for you, and I think (??) she is Japanese and people from that culture see things very differently from Westerners….

    I am feeling soooo bad though about you camping out in the woods or your car or wherever, it is just sooo primitive and kinda like the olden days, my God is there nobody who can help you with some kind of social housing in your country?

  196.  #196Lyka on August 30, 2011 at 1:44 pm

    156 – Femininewoman:

    Thanks for your feedback about the garden. I don’t necessarily feel fear per se, mostly apprehension. I already told him once that I would love to make a garden in his backyard. In fact, it once was a garden. He’s gone from April to November so it’s not being used and right now, it’s just a lawn.

    But you’re probably right, I might just tell him it is a big dream of mine to have a garden and this one would actually be lucrative, which would be advantageous to us and others. Also, someone would be living in the house year-round.

  197.  #197tinque on August 30, 2011 at 1:54 pm

    Jen – There really isn’t anything you can do. Just keep being yourself, no bending over backwards, no catering to, just be yourself. They will come around, or they won’t. Just know that it’s not about you. It’s their stuff.


  198.  #198tinque on August 30, 2011 at 2:00 pm

    Daria – I feel you about the family dynamic and how you SO want this healed. It’s possible you may never have a close bond with your parents. It’s possible that they are unwilling or unable to heal themselves any more than they have.

    You have said though that your healing has had some influence. Can you feel really good about this?

    Family stuff can be tricky. I am not close with anyone in my family, and I have learned to be very okay with this. But I do feel very grateful for whatever connection I feel whenever I feel it.


  199.  #199Daria on August 30, 2011 at 3:32 pm

    tinque – thank you for addressing me…

    the belief that i may never have a close bond with my parents doesn’t feel good to me right now. i dont want that.

    i do feel like i Do have a close bond already in many ways

    i am taking babysteps to healing myself here and choosing to use feeling messages and boundaries in a healthy way…

    i feel a bit frustrated and i feel like it’s going really slow right now

    i want a separate place to live to manifest!

    and at the same time i feel good to be included in decisions about the art and decoration in the house… it feels awesome to be respected and have my tastes so powerfully considered


    i love my parents

    i love my mom and my father

    and i want to heal myself and shift my behavior in reaction to triggers

    im sorry to hear you don’t feel close to your family, but i feel glad that you feel okay

  200.  #200tinque on August 30, 2011 at 4:04 pm

    And you can have this Daria.

    I feel pleased that at least there is something between my father and me. He’s not open and available, but I’ve learned to see and feel his emotions since he’s unable express them.

    I have seen tremendous growth in this area with you even though you may feel frustrated at times.


  201.  #201Daria on August 30, 2011 at 4:28 pm

    thanks tinque – i feel encouraged 🙂

  202.  #202Daria on August 30, 2011 at 4:57 pm

    u know that saying dance like no one is watching?

    i feel really good and much more fluid when im being watched

    i can feel it as a warmth in my body mmm it feels like its moving my body like a snake now thinking about it

  203.  #203Starla on August 30, 2011 at 5:20 pm

    Ladies! Remember last night when I said

    “79: StarlaNo Gravatar says:

    Ladies, I screwed way the eff up

    I basically annoying begged CD #1 to come swimming with me when I called him back.

    Holy crap. Then he had to explain himself that he wasn’t putting 100% in his job, and he said he was sorry he had to explain himself… I think what he really meant was “damnit why did you make me explain myself.”

    I wouldn’t take no for an answer.

    Fark. I haven’t done anything like that in a looong time. Maybe never. What is my problem?

    Feeling stupid like I blew it. What is my problem?”


  204.  #204Starla on August 30, 2011 at 5:22 pm

    I was freaking out to high heaven about it, thinking I blew it, but then he texts me this morning to tell me he should have just come swimming with me, cuz no one was even there at his job this morning. Then I texted back taking his job seriously was such a good quality and it feels impressive and like a turn on.

    And he proceeded to text me all day with all sorts of compliments:). He was warmer to me than ever before.

    SO, I was worrying for NOTHING! what the hell! But I learned that my behavior last night feels bad to me. So I won’t do that quite like that again.

  205.  #205Starla on August 30, 2011 at 5:26 pm

    Also, I was freaked out feeling insecure about a big project I got put on at work, but I presented it today, and my boss told me thank you for doing a great job, that it was a nightmare he didn’t want to deal with, but I made it look easy and turned it into something ELEGANT!

    I am feeling so grateful for these affirmations that my negative voices are just voices, NOT intuition! I thought for sure I was going to get fired today, haha.


    And I had a sinking intuition feeling that my rent was gonna get raised now that my lease is up. And I just got the notice that they’re going to keep my rent the SAME!

    So I am feeling really grateful for 3 things in one day to show me that these are just negative voices, not intuition!

    I think for a little while I am going to ignore my negative “intuition”. I’ll focus on the positive instead, and then maybe I can re-gauge the negative worry stuff.

  206.  #206Emerson on August 30, 2011 at 5:35 pm

    I used feeling messages with a “new” CD via email when he started asking questions that I found too personal, and he also had asked for more pictures. I said I feel uncomfortable answering personal questions and sending lots of photos to someone over email that I don’t know, but I said I feel open to getting to know him nonetheless.

    He responded very kindly, and I’m meeting him tomorrow night. He seems really nice. We shall see. It’s good because I don’t want to get too hung up on recycledCD!!!!

    I kinda think I’m not gonna hear from nocupcakenocoffee dude…he kinda cancelled plans with me at the last minute, and it didn’t sit well with me a few weeks back. BUT I let it go because, quite honestly, I just don’t really care that much other than the fact that it was rude. So he kept touching base with me periodically, with long stretches in between.

    I became bored with this so deleted his number. Once when he texted me, I replied, “who is this?”…I haven’t heard back from him since. haha. Oh well. He seemed nice but too flaky. Meh. No biggie.

  207.  #207Emerson on August 30, 2011 at 5:37 pm

    Starla you rock…I”m glad to hear it all turned out

  208.  #208Lilybelle on August 30, 2011 at 5:40 pm


    Emerson~ I am going to preface this with regards to nocupcakenocoffeedude by saying that I am not laughing at you so please don’t take it that way.

    But “who is this”….. Bwahahahahahahah.. Best thing I heard all day but I imagine it is because I have done the same thing. Wishy-washy dude, delete, mystery text…

    LOL!!!! 😉

  209.  #209Emerson on August 30, 2011 at 5:43 pm

    Lillybelly, ok to laugh…I was laughing too, especially after I saw that he signed his name at the bottom of the text, but I didn’t scroll down to see it till later, so he prob thinks I was just being a jerk.
    oopsies…. no biggie. Glad you could laugh.

  210.  #210DE on August 30, 2011 at 5:43 pm

    I paid attention to my feelings throughout my day…

    Morning feelings:

    I feel afraid…

    I feel a bit off balanced…

    On one side…I want to go out …meet new people…and men

    On the other…I want to feel fully connected to one man- amazing connection…I want to feel wowed…every day…I need to feel safe…desired…cared for..

    Dating phase…it feels bad seating around with no plans…I don’t want to feel at a man’s mercy…to ask me out…

    I need to feel good and happy most of the time…yet, I don’t want my happiness to depend on him …tricky thing though…

    I noticed he does not disclose what he does…unless asked…and even then, I feel some uncomfortable energy…I know part of it is my energy…I don’t feel good asking…L I feel fear of what the answer might be and also kind of pissed off…why would he not share it on his own…visiting with friends, etc…I feel suspicious a bit…and I really don’t want to feel that way with anybody…so,

    I intend to appreciate this as him minding his own business… take this as a reminder, I too have the right to mind my own business…and I am fully responsible for my happiness…I don’t need to volunteer ab my activities…we are not married and even then…still in the dating stage… just hit me…I want to inspire a man to talk to me on his own…I feel bad and I take it personally when that doesn’t happen …some healing through awareness and tapping on it would help me…

    I also feel afraid (and that’s in my head) that if I don’t share about my activities he would not like me no more…or he won’t trust me…L There is also a part of me that wants to be guarded…acquire as much information to protect myself…just in case…look for early signs…again tapping on this…

    At times, I feel confused as to what is about me (my own triggers) and what is about him …Am I experiencing bad feelings vs. intuition warnings? How do I know the difference?…

    Hmm, bad feelings…I can work through them…they would move through my body…I would feel them, the feelings would change, from bad to anger…then good feelings would come up…and so on; but intuition based feelings…they would feel unsettling…and stay on…create confusion…off balance…weirdness…hmm…what if I am wrong? I wish Rori would write a blog ab that…

    To be continued…

  211.  #211DE on August 30, 2011 at 5:44 pm

    I feel so tempted to share with him about how triggered I felt Sat night noticing him using the bathroom like 3 times in 2 hrs period…L I want to express my past fears…even acknowledge it is likely about me and my past…but boy I feel sooo unsettled ab it…L is this a sense of urgency? That means I am inviting past patterns in? I intend to correct a past pattern…but could I correct/avoid a past pattern by saying nothing? Wow…now, I feel confused…L I feel tensed…I feel so scared…I feel teary now…aww…various sensations through my body…tingly in my arms…tightness in my chest…

    I feel turned off …closed off from him right this moment…These feelings might change soon…of course…it’s Tuesday, he hasn’t said anything ab the long weekend ahead of us…no plans…besides maybe on LD having a bbq…even that didn’t seem too convincing…

    Yep, I have 3 guys who been wanting to see me the past 2 weeks and I bought some time with them…so, tomorrow night I confirmed one date…Friday night I haven’t confirmed yet (kind of waiting on T …arghhh…I feel upset with myself for doing that)…so, I might confirm it by this evening…Sat night, one of my gfs wants to go out…I want me a girls nite out…Oh, and Thursday nite…I plan on going Salsa alone…maybe even go and have drinks alone…and why not?

    Hmm…wow…now, I feel angry…L and unsettled…my intuition is kicking in…yep…lately, I have tended to be “accommodating”…not rocking the boat with questions…and expressing my uncomfortable feelings…yep, yep…I am reminded I am not taking care of myself…placing my eggs in one basket too soon…the basket is not mine…L Just because someone shows interest in me, acts as if he likes me, treats me well a few times, says the right things…doesn’t mean he is really on a long haul…

    The best example of that was I in the past…I would show interest, I would act like I like u, I will treat u very well (invite u to dinner, go out, I might even give u ride…or pay my half)…overall, the over functioning Queen…just to prove myself that I am worthy by doing and not by being (offer sex, open minded conversations, great cook, hostess, friend…u name it)…but, there was a kick to it…this activity on the surface masked a devious/selfish motives behavior…I would keep score and give myself permission to build resentment, anger, hate, turned off feelings…and as a result, I would drop them at my pleasing (that’s how I would control men)…knowing I will be missed, and boy they did…still do…still come around…it feels good (but don’t tell anyone)…wow…how deceiving of me L I was buying their attention and affection…yucks…

    to be continued…

  212.  #212Emerson on August 30, 2011 at 5:44 pm

    I’ve actually gotten texts MONTHS later from a couple dudes,,,and I was literally like who the heck is texting me….and sometimes I just don’t reply.

  213.  #213DE on August 30, 2011 at 5:44 pm

    Noon: Just got a message from T…he wants to see me this evening…I feel glad he expressed his intentions very manly…It’s so attractive…he asked if he can bring a movie…I answered playfully…hmm..that feels naughty…he then suggested to make our “own” movie…I answered “I don’t feel comfortable just yet>…”; he answered “it’s ok whenever u ready” and then I wanted to ask “the innocent” question…and I feel sooo proud of myself for not asking: “I feel curious did u do movies like that before?.” There was no honesty behind my question…it was a trap…I feel scared to notice it’s still so easy to fall into old patterns…if he would have been honest (many men actually are from the beginning, but later they learn its’ not in their best interest to continue being honest) and said yes, I would build up lots of ammunition in my head…feeling jealous, turned off, nvs of not being special to him…just another girl…etc..ammunition that would contribute to self-sabotage and destroy any chance of a healthy relationship…

    Instead I answered…”thank u J it feels gd not to be pressured J I want the experience to feel special to both of us…which is the Truth!

    to be continued…

  214.  #214DE on August 30, 2011 at 5:45 pm

    Afternoon: Just got angry and closed off twds T…I feel as if seeing me is a chore to him…I txt him a bit ago something sweet (okay, i thought it was Sireny…but apparently not..cause i feel triggered by the response)…I said “it feels like forever till 8 J…” he answered “sorry”…I immediately felt bad ab it, so I txt back “i feel a bit triggered…and a bit disconnected from us..i sense some negative energy…is there something u want to share with me? “

    he said “no..”

    I responded: “ It still feels bad noticing lately no affectionate warm words…I don’t want to feel like seeing me looks like a “chore”…L “

    He answered: ”sorry sexy just lots on my mind”

    Me :”hmm I just asked earlier if there is something u want to share…u said no…apparently there are things on u mind…that’s why I feel this negative vibe L” okay, I guess I didn’t ask the right question…”maybe, what’s on u mind?” that’s feels like in his business…I am not asking permission…

    At this point I am thinking…”Nah…I want to be with someone who feels good ab seeing me…to feel his excitement, enthusiasm…if he has things going on…that’s okay too…but, I don’t want to carry his energy at this point…I don’t want to bond through that…I don’t want to feel bad about our interaction…I prefer he acts manly…takes care of his problems…and when he feels good then we can connect…and I will do the same…not use one another to make each other feel better…nah…I don’t want that anymore in my life…no, no freaking way…

    Him: “that doesn’t mean I stop being interested in u. so keep the faith in me and stop thinking the worst”

    Me: now I feel tense…deep breaths… I hear him…yet, I don’t like it..I feel patronized…I want to stomp my feet in disapproval…I am preparing my answer…

    Maybe something like “I hear you…apparently there are things on u mind…as a result, I feel the disconnect between us…and likely I would continue to feel it when we are together tonite…I don’t feel good pressuring for answers and asking any more questions…I would however, feel better if we see each other when we both share an enthusiasm in being together…right now, I feel confused…and a bit upset…and I don’t want to feel that way with u…what do u think?”

    Wow…I feel scared…nvs…I am not being reasonable…I am pushing him away…L he wants to see me …but I don’t feel him…I feel like crying…am I sabotaging myself? Sigh…

  215.  #215Daria on August 30, 2011 at 5:54 pm

    my intuition speaks to me about good and wonderful things happening

    and when something feels bad and stuck – is some energy that calls for healing shifting transforming – riffing and eft help me

    feels scary to share this

    why am i writing this?

    i want to help someone and am sharing my experience so that it might help them

    wow i feel like a release

    well it would just feel bad to me to think about my intuition showing me ‘bad’ stuff

    even when im in danger my intuition lets me know in a peaceful way – i remember Rori talking about what choosing what decision feels most peaceful

    feeling chocked a bit

    i appreciate you so much Daria 🙂

    hmf hmf 🙂

  216.  #216Emerson on August 30, 2011 at 5:57 pm

    DE…If I were in your shoes I’d want someone to tell me to STOP….don’t reply. Just wait.
    I think you are letting your NVs play tricks! You know how men can get all withdrawn in their cave when they have stuff on their mind! Don’t worry so much! Deep breaths are a good idea..

    I know Rori says don’t give advice, and I don’t claim to be the best at it anyway….but I see myself in this exchange between you and him…. it’s how I feel more often than I’d like to admit, and I wish I had a fairygodmother to tell me STOP…don’t say anything right now.

  217.  #217Emerson on August 30, 2011 at 5:58 pm

    DE he already expressed to you that you don’t need to worry…maybe do you feel that you can just trust that for now, from what I’ve read about the two of you, he seems to be crazy about you….

  218.  #218DE on August 30, 2011 at 6:00 pm

    Daria #216:

    well, not sure if u are practicing something…

    but, just so u know…i feel safe with you and therefore, i can handle any feelings…judgements…

    I want to hear the good and the not so good…it has always helped me get closer to my truth…

    This is DE you are talking to…and want to help…and i feel happy you do 🙂

    warm hugs,

  219.  #219Emerson on August 30, 2011 at 6:02 pm

    DE, I sabotage myself a lot. Not that I am implying that about you.

    But it hit home a bit, and got me thinking about some stuff….
    because sometimes I let my thoughts run away with me…
    old bad horrid NVs tell me: “oh see? Here’s another liar and flake that won’t be there for you in the future because he doesn’t really care becaues you are not worth it.” I hate those NVS and I give them a cookie and send them to the corner! All lies!!

  220.  #220Daria on August 30, 2011 at 6:02 pm

    hmm feeling uncomfortable reading about your text exchange de

    reading i felt good when he responded ‘sorry’ as in he was taking responsibility and apologizing on top of that

    if i were reaching out though i might feel put off receiving the “sorry” it would feel like not enough of the connection i was craving…

    and i can kinda see how it would totally be a set up as i reached out myself…

    it feels icky when i read “i sense negative energy” it feels uncomfortable to read that … it looks like getting in the other person’s energy and guessing at what’s going on with them…

    i would feel turned off receiving those words… i feel very stiff jawed and closed off thinking about it

    feeling all tense in my tummy and sad…

  221.  #221T-Girl on August 30, 2011 at 6:02 pm

    DE, this is the point in which you need to tell yourself to get out of your head and back into your heart. Give up the control…allow yourself to be surprised. Dont’ worry if he has something on his mind. We all get like that sometimes but most likely it has nothing to do with you so don’t make it something it is not. You are sending the message that you don’t want to have anything to do with him if he is having an off day but in relationships you take the good with the bad. Unless you really don’t want to see him and this is an excuse for you to get out of it?

  222.  #222Kayla on August 30, 2011 at 6:04 pm

    Hello sirens, sorry I haven’t been getting on lately.. I have been very busy. But I do have an update… Okay well me and my boyfriend have been doing pretty good. But today he got upset because I went to go shoot some targets with some friends. Which happen to be all men. That’s just the way I have always been.. Most of my friends are men. And the women that I am friends with don’t live anywhere near me, he knows this.. But when I do go out and do things with my friends he gets really jealous. This is what happened today. He called me but my phone was on silent and I didn’t hear it. He said that I answered and it sounded like I said it was over and then I hung up, I told him that I didn’t know he called me and that I must have accidentally answered the phone, and I didn’t say it was over. He said oh okay, well what are you doing? I told him I was going to go shoot some targets with some friends, he asked me who and I told him, he didn’t say anything at first, and then he said oh okay well what are we going to see each other today or are you just going to hang out with your friends all day? I said that we could see each other later and he said okay well then just get ahold of me when you get back and I said okay I will bye. He just hung up and didn’t say anything.. I got home, ate, and I called him because he told me to call when I got back. But he didn’t answer.. And he hasn’t called me back. Now I feel powerless, scared, sad, nervous, and anxious all at once… I want him to be able to trust me, I’m not going to drop all of my friends for him. And I can’t just go inviting him somewhere, I don’t feel like it’s my place to invite him to somewhere I was invited to and therefore I don’t feel comfortable asking. Can anybody help me?? And do you think calling him was the wrong thing to do? Is this something that he will just get over or do you think that he is just going to ignore me the whole entire night? I feel horrible right now.. I hate arguing!
    Somebody pleaseee give me some advice. Thankss.

  223.  #223DE on August 30, 2011 at 6:04 pm

    Aww…Emerson, please advise me :)…i love it and i really appreciate that you take the time to read my stuff and give me feedback 🙂

    and yes, i am okay to tell me to stop…however, lol, it would be assumed i can return the “favor” ab speaking my truth too in one of your situations….:)

    what do u think?

    warm hugs

  224.  #224Daria on August 30, 2011 at 6:06 pm

    DE – i would say something like:

    ” thank you ”

    (for the direction he is giving you which actually serves the relationship – dont write this stuff in parenthesis and i would stay away from teaching/explaining)

    “thank you T. im feeling all freaked out and needy 🙁 “

  225.  #225DE on August 30, 2011 at 6:07 pm

    Daria #221:

    I feel confused about :

    “reading i felt good when he responded ‘sorry’ as in he was taking responsibility and apologizing on top of that”

    I didn’t feel good…about it…

    could you please explain it a bit?

    warm hugs

  226.  #226DE on August 30, 2011 at 6:10 pm

    T-Girl #222:

    Wow…thank u…i feel touched by your feedback…:)

    and i agree…:( that is one of my fears too…as u said :
    “u are sending the message that you don’t want to have anything to do with him if he is having an off day but in relationships you take the good with the bad.”

    that’s not what i intend…but apparently i might be hormonal today 🙁

    warm hugs,

  227.  #227DE on August 30, 2011 at 6:11 pm

    Daria #225:

    Yes, i like it…it does bring peace in my heart…thank u 🙂

    i haven’t responded yet…

    warm hugs,

  228.  #228DE on August 30, 2011 at 6:14 pm

    Emerson #218:

    Aww…i read u post

    “from what I’ve read about the two of you, he seems to be crazy about you….”

    so sweet of you to say that…my NVs won’t allow me to think he is crazy ab me…:( hmm…i feel scared…discomfort telling that to myself…it feels better when others make that assessment though…hmm…i wonder why? this is sooo interesting….

    warm hugs,

  229.  #229DE on August 30, 2011 at 6:15 pm


    Thank you for the awesome advise and my birthday wishes 🙂

    I really, really appreciate them!!!!

    warm loving hugs 🙂

  230.  #230DE on August 30, 2011 at 6:17 pm


    Thank you so much for the Bday wishes!

    Congratulations on your job and I pray for awesome happenings in your life…

    Warm hugs,

  231.  #231Kayla on August 30, 2011 at 6:17 pm

    And I just can’t seem to make my NV’s be quiet at the moment… I feel like screaming!

  232.  #232Daria on August 30, 2011 at 6:18 pm

    DE – from an outside perspective it is a very manly and direct and caring way to respond

    he heard (maybe misheard your desire to connect and flirt) – what he could which was you felt bad waiting

    and he took responsibility and stepped up by apologizing.

    You leaned forward to connect there – and so you might have been feeling offbalance … and when the answer didn’t match your expected outcome… you didn’t appreciate what he gave you

    I would have felt the same if I had reached out! so putting myself in your shoes i can tell i would have felt bad and may have dismissed his response – because i was trying to “get” a particular response… a flirty text or something

    with the implied “im feeling a desire to connect with you right now” (which came out as i dont want to wait till 8)

    and when men aren’t contacting us, it’s cuz they are busy – not a good time to contact them – so he missed the implied message

    it sounds liek a man in ‘busy man mode’ – who read… i dont want to wait… couldn’t “fix” it immediately.. .and apologized. quite wonderful really

    this all can be avoided by not leaning forward in the first place

    thank you for sharing your experience, i am learning how different things look from different perspectives

  233.  #233T-Girl on August 30, 2011 at 6:21 pm

    Daria brings up a good point and one my guy points out to me often that men want to immediately try and fix things. What a compliment that they care enough to want to do that!

  234.  #234luzydel on August 30, 2011 at 6:21 pm

    I don’t know wher my first post went so here it goes again…

    I feel upset aand frustrated; “NiceCD” Cancelled our meeting tomorrow due to something that happened with one of his tenants and he just feel (and I quote) angry and about to burst. I was going to use a FM, but i did not feel he was open for it, so I said ok call me when you feel like talking and left it alone. Then Plummer CD called me to set up a date for either tommorow or thursday that made me feel less pressure in my chest.

    I feel upset because last nignt I had this wonderful conversation with “NiceCD” he said he told his sister about me and that hee feels great being with me etc.
    I guess what happened it is not about me and perhaps he rather take care of his issues instead of comming to my place all angered up. I feel frustrated, I do not want to be with a man I need to heal; but then I feel like I want to heal him.

    lean back take care of Luzydel, go out with “PlummerCD” and if “NiceCD” wants to talk and see me then he will. I am learning!

  235.  #235Daria on August 30, 2011 at 6:21 pm

    Kayla – it sounds like this man is immature

    i would focus on myself and circular date

    also, since you agreed to call him back, its not “bad”

    i persoanlly would have felt better to say

    “whoa that feels weird to hear that !” when he said about it being over

    and i would say “wow i feel kinda bad… ” when he said “are you jsut gonna hang out with your friends all day”

    and i would say… “it would feel better to hear from you” when he asked me to call him

  236.  #236DE on August 30, 2011 at 6:29 pm

    Daria #233

    That feels wonderful to read…

    u are right…he was at work…and sometimes where he works can be a harsh environment…

    thank you…i feel so much better…

    it also feels good to be appreciated for sharing my emotional roller coaster…and thoughts during the day…

    it was a great exercise for me…i want to notice more…i intend to really learn who i am…
    i intend to create healing for myself…shift in thoughts and vibes…

    that would feel awesome, wouldn’t?

    warm hugs,

  237.  #237Daria on August 30, 2011 at 6:34 pm

    DE – you are definitely healing! i feel so glad you are feeling better

    i am feeling pretty good too 😀

  238.  #238Wildflower on August 30, 2011 at 6:37 pm

    one my CDs just told me i have an amazing body. felt nice to hear. that felt like a big smile and warmth in my body. my NVS are like, “he must have you confused with some other chick” but i work out a lot and I DO have an amazing body–darn it. That feels nice to say. That feels like a smile on my face and tingly in my chest. That feels good

  239.  #239Kayla on August 30, 2011 at 6:40 pm

    Thank you for your advice. Although I am not going to circular date, we are in a committed relationship and I would feel very bad if I was to do anything with another man. Not to mention this is the first argument we have been in. I also do not feel 100% sure that he didn’t answer on purpose. It is not his phone that I called and therefore he may not have been around at the time. Should I care if he is mad at me or not? I feel like me caring is just like letting him have all of the power in the relationship, but I also feel so upset about the situation right now. I feel scared, to be honest he is a very good man, he makes me feel so happy all the time, he does whatever he can to please me, he calls me everyday to make plans with me, invites me to go everywhere with him, he always wants to spend time with me. I am not in love with this man but he does treat me with upmost respect. Something I haven’t had in a very long time. I know that no matter what happens I will always love myself and if one door closes another will open. But I feel that I can’t help but feel scared at the moment. I feel like he will break it off with me, and I don’t want that because this relationship feels good to me. But if it happens it happens and I will start circular dating again. For now I guess all I can do is love myself, sink into my feelings, and not beat myself up over this. If he really cares about me and my feelings, he will look past this and he will be understanding. Right?

  240.  #240Femininewoman on August 30, 2011 at 6:41 pm

    RE 189 Jen maybe you might be making up stories in your mind about some of the other stuff with the family. Family dynamics can be difficult but if he is showing you that he loves you I would trust his actions.

  241.  #241Wildflower on August 30, 2011 at 6:44 pm

    feeling frustrated and a little gloomy. this feels tired and heavy. i love the tiredness and heaviness. wanting to lean forward and control things a bit. this would feel nerve racking nervousness in my stomach. i don’t want that. that would feel yucky. my NVs are second guessing myself. wondering if i screwed up. these thoughts feel heavy on my head. like a weight on my forehead and back. i love the weight. it wold feel nice to be confidant that i was a good, kind, loving person and i did the best with what i have so far. that thought feels good. that feels slightly more relaxing. like some tension came out from my chest.

  242.  #242DE on August 30, 2011 at 6:48 pm

    Wildflower #241:

    i love your riff…so beautiful to notice how you’ve created the movement of energy/sensations/feelings through u body…

    warm hugs

  243.  #243Wildflower on August 30, 2011 at 6:49 pm

    wanting answers and this feels FRUSTRATING and that feels rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah angry like i’m punching a punching bag angry. i can almost feel my fists hitting the bag while I flail at it. i love my anger. this vision feels sort of silly. i feel laughter

  244.  #244Kayla on August 30, 2011 at 6:50 pm

    My NV’s are getting to me too. I feel soo annoyed by this! It’s like ughhh just leave me alone. Lol but I am feeling a little upset right now soo that doesn’t really help to shut my NV’s up.

  245.  #245Wildflower on August 30, 2011 at 6:51 pm

    Thanks DE 🙂 I feel touched!

  246.  #246Wildflower on August 30, 2011 at 6:54 pm

    RE 244 Hi Kayla! feels nice to hear you can relate 🙂 it would feel nice if we could both work through this!

  247.  #247Daria on August 30, 2011 at 6:59 pm

    Kayla – what you described did not sound like the utmost respect to me at all

    i would not want to be talked to that way

    i think you are young from what i remember… (sorry if i have you confused with someone else)

    it is really not in your best interest to be exclusive

    there is no need to ‘do anything’ with another man… just meeting them for coffee is what im talking about here

    it sounds like your self esteem is low and you are holding on to this man rather than to yourself (when you say that you haven’t had this much respect in awhile, i hear that you are feeling very scared and vulnerable… and i just want to hug you and wave that wand over you and have you SEE just how amazing and POWERFUL you are!!)

    if actually dating other men – definitely the best way to go to both attract this man and take care of yourself – is not comfortable for you at this point, then just flirting with men at the check out isle and everywhere you go… practicing the tools… this is something we do even when married

    im not sure i can help you more than to say that yes, it sounds like you are centered on him and giving him your power here

    the way you are thinking about it, about him leaving you, etc… it sounds like he is on a pedestal

    the best choice for you is to circular date, and start focusing on yourself as much as you can here

    and express yourself with feeling messages with this man and all men

    if this man you are dating does not step up, there will be many many more men interested in you indeed

    and you will be very much ok… and have an even better man show up who respects you even more

    you can believe it

  248.  #248AmazingMe on August 30, 2011 at 7:02 pm

    I have PMS so bad this time around ugghhh! I can’t get enough to eat so I have been trying to eat healthier. Like ok just ate and it is 10 pm here, but at least it was high fiber oatmeal!! love my weaknesses! So in study class there is a well spoken, educated, tall, dark n handsome man. He sits way across the room from me and I don’t feel he has noticed me the way I have noticed him. Just from his vibe in class and spiratic jokes, he seems pretty cool. I didn’t see a ring on his finger, so how does one approach someone like that? Or do I even approach him at all? I mean I am interested to know more but hate being so masculine and approaching him. I am scared of rejection of course as well and he also is in there with a bunch of people he knows and went to his school with. It’s intimidating! So do I just admire from afar and go about my business? There is not much of an opportunity to approach him so any convo will be extremely obvious!! HELP SIRENS! FEEDBACK 🙂

  249.  #249Daria on August 30, 2011 at 7:05 pm

    here’s what throws up red flags for me with this man

    “But when I do go out and do things with my friends he gets really jealous.”

    ” are we going to see each other today or are you just going to hang out with your friends all day?”

    “He just hung up and didn’t say anything..”

    i wish i could just shake you and have you realize that you can have much better than this !

    and that instead of trying to ‘get him to trust you’

    you can be paying attention to your feelings… how DID you feel ??

    and seeing if he does or does not get another date with you, and having many – hundreds even – of Great men that will step up and treat you great!

    im sure you will come to see it soon!

  250.  #250Daria on August 30, 2011 at 7:08 pm

    Amazing ME – i would not approach him, unless i was running an experiment and being very aware of my feelings

    otherwise i would practice imagining his energy and the energy of all the males aroudn me waterwheeling on me – Especially when they did not seem to be paying me attention – and me as a fern

    and i would shift my thoughts to me, and my feelings… and stay open to any men that approached

    i am the hub of their attention!

  251.  #251Femininewoman on August 30, 2011 at 7:12 pm

    Inner emptiness is caused by the lack of love that comes from a narcissistic, entitled mindset. The lack of love that results from trying to get love, rather than be loving to oneself and with others. When a person’s intention is to get love, attention, and approval externally, they create their own inner emptiness.

  252.  #252AmazingMe on August 30, 2011 at 7:13 pm

    @250 Daria Thank You! Yes this is the route I was thinking, it felt most comfortable! He doesn’t seem very masculine really so I doubt it will go much further and that is ok. I feel better being approached, I am used to always chasing what I really want in life, GOOD AND BAD…lol…I am learning baby steps!

  253.  #253Kayla on August 30, 2011 at 7:18 pm

    Daria: Yes I am young and I agree with you. And I know that I should not be revolving my world around him. But I also feel like me going and shooting with my friends even though he didn’t want me to was doing what I wanted not what HE wanted. I will CD but not in a physical way, unless we end up breaking off our relationshp, then I will be physically CDing.

    I know that next time we talk he will want to talk about this. I think I should say something like “It felt horrible when I was being asked if I was just going to hang out with my friends all day, and it felt even worse when there was no “bye” and I was just hung up on. I don’t like the feeling I get when I am treated like that, I don’t want to argue, I just want to feel like I am trusted.

    But a lot of this is putting blame on him. I don’t want to put the blame on him.

  254.  #254AmazingMe on August 30, 2011 at 7:20 pm

    Narcissus was a beautiful young man who rejected all potential lovers, but then tragically fell in love with his own reflection! ………..a lil bit of history I found, seems powerful to me 🙂

  255.  #255DE on August 30, 2011 at 7:26 pm

    Wow…i just got this newsletter from Rori today…

    what a great timing 🙂 i feel comforted and reassurred i am indeed healing …

    “Here are some ways to think about how to USE men in your life to HELP you – instead of trying to “get” from them the love, affection, attention and commitment they should actually be REQUIRED to WANT to give to you in order to have the privilege of being with you:

    1. Keep reinforcing the mental and intellectual idea in your MIND that Circular Dating will help you UNDO your old patterns.

    The idea is: Your old ways of thinking, feeling and responding to men – the way you’ve been trained to “be” with men – have all been working AGAINST you.

    You want to jettison some of your old systems of relating and responding and speaking and doing and being, and you want to shift some of them. And some you want to completely reverse.

    And still, you shouldn’t beat yourself up for those things you’ve been thinking, doing and saying.

    We don’t want to judge them – we want to BUILD WITH them, to USE what you’ve already got in your personal warehouse. To FIND a way to use them. We want to use EVERYTHING you’ve ever learned, ever known, ever seen, ever experienced – to HELP you get to a NEW place.

    We want to make MORE of you – not less.

    For instance, if you’re going on a car journey then knowing how to drive is helpful (even if you have to re-learn and re-do some driving skills…)

    2. Keep convincing YOURSELF of the elegance of this fact: that to undo old patterns that aren’t working, you have to discover and uncover those patterns.

    What you’re going for here is a string of “aha” moments.

    Convince yourself of the truth that getting information and analyzing will do you only so much good. ( We all know how frustrating it is to KNOW something but just not be able to shift it…)

    Make it up, if you have to, until you have the actual EVIDENCE (and you will, quickly, as you Circular Date with this new mindset) to keep you going – that these new patterns will be true for you:

    3. To undo the patterns once you’ve discovered them, you have to EXPERIENCE the little discoveries with your whole mind/heart/body/ spirit.

    This means you have to:

    >>>Welcome – in fact INVITE – being triggered.

    >>>Be constantly in “investigation” mode.

    Ask yourself questions like “how do I feel?” and “why am I here” and “who is this man and why is he here in front of me?”

    You have to catch when you’re giving to “get”.

    That’s because your being a “giving” person will make any man who is a natural “giver” NOT be attracted to you!

    A man who wants to give needs a woman who is willing to receive. And for most of us, love only feels like it’s happening when we give.

    And so we have to practice.

    4. Circular Dating is all about your practice.

    >>>First – simply practice NOT giving (this is where the “toads” come in very, very handy for practice, because it makes not giving easier, less intense, less scary).

    >>>Then, you practice RECEIVING – which looks and feels like you opening your heart.

    (This step requires a man a little more attractive to you than a “toad” – but not so attractive that it makes opening your heart too intense, chancy and scary.)

    So, again, you don’t really need your dream man to show up right away for your practice. (He will when you least expect it, and you won’t likely recognize him as your dream man right off anyway.) The thing here is for you to NOT stop practicing when he shows up (or when you think it’s him showing up).

    This is a lifetime practice.

    And all along the way of practice:

    5. You’re going to feel stuff.

    You’re going to feel stuff you want to feel (thrills and chills and fun).

    And you’ll also feel stuff you don’t want to feel, like grief. That’s because as things change and you start down different roads that will lead you to new, love-filled places… you feel in limbo, in transit. You feel grief for the old road. Really, truly, we do feel grief at leaving our old roads behind. This is completely normal.

    That’s why:

    6. Circular Dating is “school.”

    It’s “Love 101.” It’s “How did I get to this place marked “No Love”, and how do I switch course and get myself to the place marked “Plenty of Love?”

    Forever is just a bunch of moments strung together. One after the other. And the only way to experience that is to start treasuring the experiencing of MOMENTS. Each one, one at a time.

    So, if you have an experience with a man – even a 10-second encounter – I want you to HONOR that. I want you to investigate what went on during those 10 seconds and be curious about what happened, about the man, and about you. The way to break the old patterns of behavior is to try new ones.

    And then, yes, you’ve opened up a new door in the pathways of your life.

    You’ve opened up a place where you can choose between behaviors where there may never have been a choice before.

    Yes, you may be attracted to “bad boys,” you might go down some wrong roads, you may get stuck, you may go so far into great new things you scare yourself silly. But you can choose to not feel helpless before all that and just keep going to Circular Dating School.

    It’s a home study course, and you are the teacher, the manager and the student. Love is your field of interest, and men are in the field.

    Men are all in the laboratory out there, and because they’re participating with you in your home study course, they are both the elements of it, the experiment of it, the study subjects of it and your teachers of it, your free therapists of it, your providers of experience of it, your study partners of it, your messengers of it, your school friends of it, your lovers of it.

    They’re the backdrop and the action and the population of your “story” every moment of every day.

    Use them as they wish to be used – for the good of love and for the good of you. If you’re always practicing speaking the truth, then what is good for love and good for you will be good for them, too.

    If you’d like me to walk you through how to do this – complete with exercises, new motivating attitudes and tons of easy, FUN and fast Tools that WORK – it’s all in my Targeting Mr. Right program.

    I even insist that my clients get “Targeting” rather than take a private session with me, because you’ll have me there with you – and all the incredible information and Tools – 24/7. You can watch it ALL the time, so you’ll NEVER feel confused.

    With Targeting Mr. Right, you’ll know exactly HOW to use your “boy” energy so that you can just “rest” in your Siren, “girl” energy out in the world, and draw men to you from everywhere – all the time.

    Finally, you’ll be able to relax and enjoy dating for what it was meant to be – a way to draw to YOU the man and the relationship you’ve always wanted.”

  256.  #256DE on August 30, 2011 at 7:31 pm

    Don’t ever hold a man up higher than you hold yourself.

    Practice letting the “men out in the field” into your heart until you feel so solid inside that the fear of letting ’em all see who you are just drops away.

    I know you can do this, and that it will work for you SO quickly, just like it did for me.

    Circular Dating and my tools in Targeting Mr. Right CONTINUE to work for me – even though I’m incredibly happily, harmoniously and thrillingly long-time married – by always keeping me feeling steady, confident, beautiful, desired and powerful.

    I want this for you, too, so let me know how Circular Dating and my other powerful Tools in Targeting Mr. Right work for you.

    Love, Rori

  257.  #257Emerson on August 30, 2011 at 7:44 pm

    224 DE
    Yes of course! I feel open to your feedback…
    Glad you’re feeling better.. 🙂

  258.  #258Susan on August 30, 2011 at 7:52 pm

    RE: 223: Kayla

    You didn’t do anything wrong, so don’t apologize. If he is jealous, that is his issue, not yours. You are a rock star, doing what makes you happy with your friends. You didn’t cheat, you didn’t do anything wrong. Just enjoy yourself and your friends and let him deal with his insecurities. Those insecurities are not your problem. If he tries to separate you from your friends, then he might be toxic. If he is just jealous….. This is his lesson to learn from.

  259.  #259Emerson on August 30, 2011 at 8:07 pm

    73 Daria
    Interesting observation!! Going way back…what about 3’s Company and Happy Days? Gilligan’s Island?
    Infantile-ized men 😯

    I read a book once in college that touched on something similar, about people in TV shows being “childified adults” and “adultified children”

    Just kinda interesting…

  260.  #260luzydel on August 30, 2011 at 9:16 pm

    I had a conversation with “NiceCD” I used a feeling message… I told him “I feel Scared”

    It was amazing the conversation we had after that’ this man gets feeling messages like no others.


  261.  #261Emerson on August 30, 2011 at 9:17 pm

    Where is everyone tonight??? Siren island is sleepy…zzzzz

  262.  #262Emerson on August 30, 2011 at 9:28 pm

    Yay Luzydel!
    It’s amazing how men react to feeling messages sometimes! I love it!

  263.  #263Tmizz on August 30, 2011 at 9:35 pm

    Well, I’m here. I was just debating with myself whether to blog or not to blog. I guess I’m blogging;)

    Basically, I’ve really valued everyone’s input on my situation. I still continue to feel a little sad and disappointed, and just letting myself sink into those feelings (but not too much!). But at the same time, just focusing on my life, and what I need to do right now. I can’t really speculate as to what’s going on, because I don’t know. Maybe nothing.

    But, in an odd sort of gratifying moment (or not), I got a phone call out of the blue from a family who’s kids I like, and to whom I had offered to babysit a while ago. Like many, many months ago. I thought that they had forgotten about me completely, and/or were upset at me for some reason. Not so!

    I guess it’s kind of like “leave them along and they’ll come home…”

    and I like what Daria was saying about silence. I’m pretty sure it was Daria. So when I think about me not contacting him as “silence” it feels good. It feels full. It feels rich, even. I still kept thinking, on and off, about contacting RB, either with a feeling message, or – gasp! – to suggest that I come over to his house (he’d dropped a hint about that, and, well, I would like to see him. but then, that’s just so much *work*!) But I noticed, when I thought about that, my body got all tense. My mind felt stuck, and my stomach was in a knot. However, when I stopped, and thought about what I was doing, or about NOT contacting him, I would feel my body immediately relax.

    Okay, so it’s obvious, no? *Not* contacting him is a lot easier than contacting. It makes me feel relaxed, more at ease.

    Not only that, I am trying to really listen and pay attention to that little voice inside me that’s warning me that, yes, I can do that, but if I do, I am probably not going to like the consequences. In fact, I would much rather have these juicy, uncertain, questioning, wondering feelings than the harsh unpleasantness of a definite “no,” or even more non-response.

    I don’t know. I guess I’m just addicted to the response. It’s like my drug. My crack. We’ve been over this before, yes?

    I’m going to continue my thoughts in a second post…

  264.  #264Tmizz on August 30, 2011 at 9:36 pm

    Oops. I’m in moderation because I used the word d*rug!

    Sorry, Rori – it was a metaphor! 🙂

  265.  #265Emerson on August 30, 2011 at 9:59 pm

    I feel thankful for Rori’s work!
    I feel thankful for this blog and all the sirens and their wonderful healing and support and words and love!
    I feel thankful that I can read and learn and grow!
    I feel thankful for people that have helped me!
    I feel thankful for being able to help others!
    I feel thankful that I CAN have a connection with a man and not get caught up in the imaginary things that are not real (my NVs!)

  266.  #266Emerson on August 30, 2011 at 10:01 pm

    I’m not SUPER excited about my CD tomorrow…but then I never am about guys I meet online. It’s weird like I have a predjudice or a block against guys I meet online.
    I feel curious about this phenomenon and would like to understand it.
    If I meet a guy at a night club I feel more excited about meeting them if we exchange numbers etc…
    which I haven’t done for a long time..
    but anyway I have a super cute outfit to wear tomorrow! A casual blue dress with some modern but casual neutral heels….super cute!

  267.  #267Tmizz on August 30, 2011 at 10:02 pm

    I had some more thoughts, but now my brain is getting tired.

    I am wondering more about why it is I can’t get guys to “stick” with me. I’ve been following Carol Allen a bit, and I thought for a while I might have been in a “cycle of Saturn” because it was all just so painful. Now, it’s not necessarily painful. It just feels like everyone is so…slippery. Like they are there, and they’re real, and they’re talking to me, and the next minute they’re gone.

    But I’m wondering about this, too. Because lately, on this blog, and with EMK’s stuff, and other places (btw, nothing bad on EMK – I love his stuff), I seem to have encountered this phenomenon of “the disappearing guy.” I mean, I’m sure that guys disappeared before. I just never noticed it.

    Or maybe they didn’t. I remember back in High School. And the one and only guy I ever dated during that time didn’t “disappear.” He told me, very nicely, that it wasn’t going to work out and why (he said I needed to “turn my love light on” – yeah, he was a bit of a hippie). Guys in college didn’t disappear. I told them it wasn’t going to work out and why (and maybe then they disappeared, understandably).

    But now we have, big, urban areas, where we can all be anonymous in a crowd. We have websites full of tons of people, and we can fish one out and see what it’s like and throw it back if we don’t like it. And likewise be thrown back, I suppose. It’s all of the choice and none of the accountability. No one has to even acknowledge that they’ve ever seen you. They can just “disappear.”

    But on the other side of that, there’s what’s going on inside me. Before now, I never really “believed” in “the disappearing man.” I simply thought of myself as undateable, unlovable and unworthy. (One and two down, okay, still working on number three.) Now ALL men are a potential Disappearing Act. And yet, I keep watching other women – my friends, or even some women on this blog – with men who stay with them for a very long time..long. I mean, weeks. Months, even;) heck, maybe even years! Unthinkable.

    Right? I mean, I just never even *think* that that could happen.

    I guess I need to get over that one. But for some reason, it still commands a sense of logic in my brain. Couple that with this newfound belief in The Disappearing Man, and, Houston, we have a problem.


    Sometimes I look to myself to see what I could have done or said to “push them away,” and sometimes there are answers. But often it doesn’t seem to matter if I like him or not, if I want to see him or not. I can care or not care. Doesn’t matter. He’ll come by for a few dates, and then, boom, he’s done.

    I guess blaming myself isn’t the answer. There must be something else at work here….

    But then, maybe part of me doesn’t even really want these guys around. Maybe it’s me who sees them a couple of times, and then I’m done – only I’m trying to convince myself I still want to see them.

    Okay, I am tired rambling…you get the idea.

    There *must* be men who want to stick around for a long time. And there must be a guy out there I can trust, who I *want* to stick around. Oh, please, Goddess/G-d/Universe, send me this lovely person! 🙂

  268.  #268alias girl on August 30, 2011 at 10:04 pm

    #254 re narcissus falling in love with self?

    why is that tragic?

    i think he falls in the lake? that’s tragic. but why falling in love with self is tragic?

    i don’t understand that myth or the point of it.

    both echo and narcissus were cursed by others for not behaving in a way somebody else wanted them to.

    i feel triggered by that myth. it hardly even makes sense to me. or what is the point.

  269.  #269Esteemed on August 30, 2011 at 10:19 pm

    English Woman,

    Re: #196 – Thank you! Yes, M is Japanese. There is social housing, but not with pets. I have dogs and cats. At this point, my plan is to go to a cheap motel that allows pets. I hope they don’t kick me out when they realize I have 4!

    So we will be safe and sheltered, but the down side is that it will suck most of the money I had planned to save for a security deposit and a first month’s rent. So it will take that much longer.

    Tomorrow I have to leave. I put out word to my church, and I hope someone lets me stay with them for a month so I can get my own place by October 1. It’s been three months so far.

  270.  #270Esteemed on August 30, 2011 at 10:26 pm


    RE: #190 – About healing family relationships, what I have found effective is to say something like this:

    “You seem tired,” or, “I can tell you’re tired.”

    I let them respond and decide from there how to handle it. Sometimes it is a good moment between two people when they simply feel acknowledged and cared about. Let’s say she said:

    “Yeah, I am tired.”

    I would probably say, “Anything I can do for you so you can feel free to rest?” I think it was nice you asked her if you could help her.

    I have used this simple approach very effectively when people are angry. It typically goes like this:

    “You seem angry,” or, “I can tell you’re angry.” (said softly and factually).

    “YES, I AM ANGRY!!”

    “Do you want to talk about it?”

    Very often they will respond softly, and the anger will be instantly diffused. Often it’s apparent that they weren’t even conscious that they were angry. To have someone else notice and acknowledge it seems like all they need. Suddenly their cause for justice or what-have-you has been addressed, and they feel okay to let it rest.

  271.  #271Esteemed on August 30, 2011 at 10:30 pm


    RE: #204 – I can so relate! Let’s just be easy on ourselves. We have deep, inner unmet needs. It’s a deep process to change ourselves.

  272.  #272luzydel on August 30, 2011 at 11:01 pm

    Several guys have asked me if I wanted more kids, and I said that if I am married before age 40′ (I am 37) I may consider it. I do not want to be a single mom again. I love my son, he is the best, but I struggled so much on my own; even when his dad is around, I still have to do all the work. I wonder if I should date men that have no kids; they may want a kid and what if I am too old to have another child?

  273.  #273Starla on August 30, 2011 at 11:19 pm

    Hi! I went on my date with CD number 2. I had a great time. It felt great to go out with someone I with whom I wasn’t so worried about what he thinks about me.

    I felt shocked to learn he is 13-14 years older than me. I thought he was maybe 2 or 3 years older. Look young much, guy? Wowwie.

    I feel like such a lady that he took me out and wined and dined me.

  274.  #274Starla on August 30, 2011 at 11:54 pm

    My NVs are extra strong tonight.

    I know I will feel better in the morning, because this extra strong NV thing always passes after some time. But I feel like I’m under attack. How can my own brain be attacking me?

  275.  #275Starla on August 30, 2011 at 11:56 pm

    My post just got thrown into moderation, not sure what triggered it. Maybe the word attttack?
    My NVs are extra strong tonight.

    I know I will feel better in the morning, because this extra strong NV thing always passes after some time. But I feel like I’m under attttttack. How can my own brain be atttttttacking me?

  276.  #276Starla on August 30, 2011 at 11:57 pm

    attack attack attack

  277.  #277Starla on August 31, 2011 at 12:05 am

    It would feel kind of neat to see a list of moderation trigger words for this blog. I feel so curious what words Rori associates with the safety and well being of this blog.

    (just to be clear since no one can hear my voice, i don’t mean this in a sarcastic way like “screw censorship!” or anything.)

  278.  #278alias girl on August 31, 2011 at 1:04 am

    276 starla i think swear words, r*ligious references, dr*gz and maybe explicit sexual content.

  279.  #279Esteemed on August 31, 2011 at 2:32 am

    There is no rest for the weary! I’ve been getting up around 7 am in preparation for my job. I stayed up extra late moving some of my stuff to my storage. I didn’t go to bed until 1 am or so. My dogs woke me up barking at a strange noise outside (I think it was an animal). So I’ve had about 4 hours of sleep. I’m tired. Going back to bed, but not for very long.

  280.  #280Esteemed on August 31, 2011 at 2:36 am

    If I weren’t so tired, I’d go shut the two windows I left open. I’m cold. Oh! The horra! I forgot to say I FEEL cold! Just playin.

  281.  #281Daria on August 31, 2011 at 3:03 am

    omg! feeling so excited about teh dream i had… wow

    so ill cut over the other parts

    the part where i went to the community college to tlak to the guy there it was my 6 th grade algebra teacher

    and there was a class on how to make oils and vinegar out of plants including the ones i wanted and i felt exzcited and he was kinda discouraging me like they’re gonna want you to have some experience and i was lik ei DO

    anyway what happens next is wow!

    so i go to hang out with my guyfriend D and he lives across teh street from Guywho. this is in real life they do.

    so i go there and Guywho is sitting on his porch (which is common) and theres another guy too, i didn’t really notice him much

    so i havent seen guywho in awhile and we havent been speaking. i don’t really look at him much and h e doesnt speak to me.

    HOWEVER, i notice him looking at me, mournfully, almost all the time… i mean if i look at him he’s like allready looking at me

    so im feeling (didn’t really check my feelings) but i was feeling good

    i was getting thoughts like he misses me and wishes he was close to me etc

    i mean it was pretty obvious…

    SO THEN – omg i can’t believe how ‘real’ this seemed –

    a group of girls walks by towards the store

    and he says – to our group – Beaming with so much pride in his voice

    “oh look at Jess”

    and a pretty brunette girl smiles and waves happily, and he stands up (i dno if he does or not) and waves or otherwise communicates wiht her

    then i remember that he was actually not with his babymama but had been dating a girl named jessica for like a year (that was actually in the dream)

    well i felt – CRUSHED. awful. i mean, like all the happy just drained out of me like pulling my plug out the bathtub

    and the thing was, this thing used to happen with him in real life.

    and i felt surprised that i was so affected, after so long, and so powerfully. i mean i was barely paying attention to him before

    it felt awful – and i have an idea, which i did when i was still around him too, that he KNOWS and is doing it on purpose! even though it seems natural and smooth. like he mihgt say that if it was just his buddies, but he especially said it because i was around. because he knows it would affect me. or maybe cuz he felt bummed before so now he got an escape – that was my rationing before

    all i know is i feel shocked, i feel awful

    im considering knocking him out. im considering knocking HER out if she comes over . and i don’t mean just considering. my thinking goes into this space where im just “crazy” i mean i really considered knocking him or her out and played out in my head what the consequence would be. and i would have easily done it if the consequence seemed a bit positive. in fact i HAVE fought girls over him before.

    and then instead i leave. and play it off. and my friend D is kinda drunk i thinnk ahead of me, and gives me 10 $ to buy weed. i thnk he feels bad for me, it spretty clear

    abd i feel embarassed to feel that way

    and i stuff my feelings and dont talk about it, but im not feelig happy

    i go back to the lab at the college and am just thinking about it the whole time,. i find a bud in the teachers drawer, because hes not in , and im in his office for like 20 min

    but i dont take it, it was small, then he comes in, he says he doesnt have any except a bud with no sugar, and hes explaining to me all this stuff about sugar and weed and etc… and another student comes in and he puts a bud in my pocket and the teacher is very close to me legs touching mine, and im feeling a bit uncomfortable and i let him know im feeling rushed and get up to leave

    but the whole time i was stuffing that i was actually feeling totally crushed totally upset

    i mean it was just like… i didn’t know what to do, my mind wasn’t thinking what i wanted… i just felt so powerless

    and i remember feeling like that with him in real life

    soooo what can i change here?

    when i woke up i thiought i could say an outloud feelign message like

    wow i feel awful… im going to leave now

    even though that would feel embarassing since we handt even talked, at least it would be honest and doing Something different


    it was so real!

    and i was feeling so good about how he was looking at me and how everything had changed and i now felt confident and totally uninterested

    until that !

    i mean THAT just pulled it all out of me! what the hell?

  282.  #282Daria on August 31, 2011 at 3:05 am

    Esteemed – thank you, you know i tried that before and even last night, and it doesn’t really feel super great to me…

    i want to practice sharing how *I* feel instead

  283.  #283Daria on August 31, 2011 at 3:12 am

    Kayla – none of that was putting the blame on him. it was telling him cleary what you don’t want. and what felt bad.

    also the part about wanting to feel like you’re trusted… i wouldn’t add that. it doesn’t really seem like it fits there, with what you don’t want about being talked to a certain way

    maybe separate it to a next feeling message. it seems to me that you are assuming that you are not trusted.

    im not sure quite what to say because i just feel turned off when i think someone doesn’t trust me, and i don’t actually try to convince them to trust me

  284.  #284Daria on August 31, 2011 at 3:15 am

    yeah! echo and narcissus are stories that traumatize and blame judge – in a way that does NOT feel good

    i am definitely in love with my reflection in the mirror. it makes me feel HAPPY to see myself.

    and all the mom insisting i dont look at myself so much since i was not was – luckily – not able to stunt my acknowledgement that this makes me feel happy!

  285.  #285Daria on August 31, 2011 at 3:17 am

    so sorry for coming off dismissive Kayla 🙁

  286.  #286Lyka on August 31, 2011 at 5:15 am

    223 – Kayla:

    I wonder how he would have felt if you would have said something similar to him, i.e. spending too much time with his buddies, having fun, having a life, etc.

    Do you feel like he wants you to spend time solely with him? Seems unfair to me. I mean, they were your friends before you met him, weren’t they?

  287.  #287Jilly on August 31, 2011 at 5:41 am

    So after some sleep I feel better and happy…yay 🙂

    I’ve been having so many feelings and thoughts….

    I am CDing men that I’ve previously been exclusive with and it feels good and weird all at the same time…

    with Pipeliner…I feel good with him…he is consistent with telling me how he feels and I feel safe with him…I don’t feel in love though…more like best friends…I can count on him..a lot of times I feel scared by the intensity of his feelings for me and I push him feels like too much..I feel smothered

    hotpilot and I have started dating (no exclusivity) and right now it feels free and fun and spontaneous…I feel safe with him and life seems predictable and stable and I feel cared for…and he’s super sexy and he has NO clue lol

    with familyman (back in my life after 1 1/2 years)…I feel tested lol I have to keep reminding myself to use the tools…and I have sooo many emotions…one minute I feel hung up on him the next minute I feel super turned off…I’m PMSing so I’m waiting it out…but right now I feel unheard by him…I feel unsafe, on guard, vulnerable…unsure and a little annoyed…it doesn’t feel good but I can’t tell if it’s me and my NV’s or not…but I feel super happy that I’m paying attention to how I feel and only doing what feels good to me without attachment to an outcome with him…yay for me!!!

  288.  #288Susan on August 31, 2011 at 5:52 am

    RE: 271: Esteemed

    I love this! What a great way to diffuse anger!

  289.  #289Jilly on August 31, 2011 at 5:56 am

    since familyman contacted me I’ve been using my feeling messages and he seems open to them until it comes to something more serious…

    whenever the past gets mentioned…he seems to get defensive? or act like it was no big deal..that we just drifted apart…which is not what happened in my “story”…I don’t necessarily think we need to talk about the past

    real quick…I totally overfunctioned with him..always initiating contact, picking up the slack, suggesting…ugggg you name it!! but after 6 months of dating I left for N.C for 3 months for work…after 2 weeks of being gone we got into an argument and I never heard from him again..I called 3 times and dropped it…I felt devastated..we were planning on getting married..or so I thought

    anyway back to “real time”

    so on our date last friday things felt great!! at the end he was wanting sex and I said no I don’t feel ready…he dropped it

    then a few days ago we were texting and he made reference to taking my pants off and I responded with…I feel vulnerable…when I feel safe and secure about can take my pants off

    HIM: you don’t feel good about it? feels good to me
    ME: I feel vulnerable
    HIM: why? I’ve never hurt you
    (I was in complete shock with that answer for some reason)
    ME: that’s how I feel
    HIM: vulnerable to me means opening up yourself to get’re the strongest most amazing woman…I’m not sure I could hurt you

    k that felt weird to hear!!

    ME: maybe we shouldn’t have this conversation over text…I feel a little amused that you think I’m a machine and cant get hurt…kinda like superwoman?
    HIM: why…now I have written proof that you like me…you are superwoman

    uggg…I’m a woman…I feel really weird about that conversation…I feel unheard and unsafe…kinda feels like he has me on a platform not human 🙁

  290.  #290Jilly on August 31, 2011 at 6:00 am

    on a different note…

    I love this post!!!!!!!

    I love romancing myself and feeling super girly and feminine…I’m looking into new bedroom furniture..I put up new curtains that I made myself!! 🙂

    this weekend I want to get my bedroom put together….(it’s need to be organized big time!!!)

    I can’t wait to make it my sanctuary 🙂

  291.  #291Daria on August 31, 2011 at 6:03 am

    i am reading unschooling about being a partner to your child…

    and am looking for inspiration on how to create the relationship with my mom

    so i am wondering if i just take some chances (i fear coming off blamy etc) and try to look at her as a friend i feel safe with

    i can say… im feeling sad.. i feel kinda separated from you .. whatsup?

    then her next response will probably be a snappy tone defense like…

    ‘of course you feel separated from me we are two different people and people are separate’

    but that can be ok, cuz i can’t control her response

    then i can say… ‘wow that feels bad… i feel sad and now angry… im gonna go in the other room’


    it feels kinda hopeless

    babysteps daria babysteps

  292.  #292Jilly on August 31, 2011 at 6:03 am

    um..rereading my texting convo with familyman…it was in a light/joking tone to start out with lol…i should have put some smileys in there

  293.  #293Esteemed on August 31, 2011 at 6:20 am


    That was a cool dream! What struck me throughout the dream was your confidence, like revisiting the past but now armed with confidence. Is that accurate?

    What do you think the dream meant?

  294.  #294DE on August 31, 2011 at 6:37 am

    Last nite I cancelled with T…


    Earlier in the day he stated 8 as the time to come over…

    at 7:40 he txt me he’s getting into the shower
    i answered okay..:)
    and then, around 8:45 he txt me – he’s on his way
    at which, i picked up the phone…and called him
    i recall feeling pissed off…felt soo tense…
    i expressed that i felt upset – since i was expecting him around 8…and now is almost 9…it feels bad not being let know he’s running late…and i also included…that i feel something is up…can’t put my finger on it…i want to be with him when he feels good about being with me…and that tonite, i felt very closed off by the whole thing…

    the nite before, he cancelled the last minute again…due to some family emergency he said…

    in the morning, i texted him to ask if things were okay…cause i felt worried…he answered…”all is okay, don’t worry..sorry for not getting back to u”…

    Last nite, I felt sooo sad…i rolled in a ball, hugged myself, and crying myself to sleep…

    This morning, I feel a bit better…i don’t feel tense….or upset no more…just still some sadness…

    I want to focus on feeling better and really healing my trigger around what happened last nite…

  295.  #295Femininewoman on August 31, 2011 at 6:37 am

    Jilly if he has you on a platform that where he wants you in his mind. You are the trophy that he has to win so why not. Otherwise you might too easy, in his mind so he does not have to do any work to win you and then get bored and start looking somewhere else. It is always great when they sense that you are just that little beyond their reach, until they offer you what you want.

  296.  #296Femininewoman on August 31, 2011 at 6:44 am

    RE 293 DE this might not sit well with you so please ignore if you wish.

    Reading what you wrote about him cancelling then you cancelling, on the surface it reads like getting even. I know that is not what you were focussed on but just want to share what struck me as a warning that he might use that as his defense when you discuss it. I am wondering if both of you have had any discussion about how you would handle difficult situations that arise. I also believe that someone might need to be identified to be the leader in bringingup/discussing/dealing with difficult situations.

    Just some thoughts you might wish to ponder from a neutral place. I am also reading Byron Katie. As you know here work is to question our thoughts.

  297.  #297DE on August 31, 2011 at 6:46 am

    I know where my trigger ab being late…and waiting steams from….

    Dating J was a nightmare…:(

    He would be late almost always…big time late…:(

    I was “accommodating” early on…but then I built resentment, anger,…and boy I had anxiety when he was supposed to come over…cause u could never know for sure what time…

    At times, he wouldn’t even answer the phone for like 2 hrs of being late…he would claim for being in last minute “business” meeting…and then he would call with a poppy voice (“sorry baby, i miss u…i want to see u…blah, blah, blah…)

    in 2 years, i think only 2 times i stood for my feelings and had him turn around…i recall feeling bad ab it though 🙁 because of his “sweetness” and “poor me” attitude …arghhhh…

    later to found out…it was no problem…he had other women to stop by…i recall at times calling him at nite (he would say…”aww…ok…i guess i will go home and work tonite…”)…and he would never answer…sometimes i would drive to his place early in the morning like 5 or 6 am…and his car was not home…:(

    gosh…that experience was sooo traumatizing…:(

  298.  #298Femininewoman on August 31, 2011 at 6:48 am

    Jilly pipeliner sounds like the man.

  299.  #299Jilly on August 31, 2011 at 6:48 am

    awww…DE… (((((hugs)))) wow …..I can feel your strength and you taking care of yourself…

    FW….thank you!!!!!!! 🙂 I was/am feeling so many contradicting feelings about the whole situation…and when we were together physically I felt really good with him…dang..gotta go to work…wish I could stay here today…and yes I do know he likes/wants a challenge lol

  300.  #300Jilly on August 31, 2011 at 6:49 am

    even if he doesn’t know it 🙂

  301.  #301DE on August 31, 2011 at 6:51 am

    FW #295

    Thank you for your feedback, i really appreciate it…

    It’s interesting to read about “getting even”…

    I feel though very confident it is not… for me…in this situation…

    I really like about your suggestion about a discussion and ab a leader when these situations arise…do u have any references about this? i don’t recall reading anything ab it…maybe Dr. Pat might have some on it…not sure…

    and yes, Byron Katie…i will work on some today…

    A lot of it has to do with following my feelings and stating my boundaries…and it felt bad not having my time considered…

    warm hugs,

  302.  #302Femininewoman on August 31, 2011 at 6:53 am

    DE looking at both scenario last night he said he was going into the shower at 7:45 and it likely took him at least 20 mins to shower and get out. That would put me automatically after 8:00 p.m. and then I take about another half hour to get dressed, he likely took a little less time but the fact that he said he was going in the shower at that time suggests to me that he already knew he would be late. As such I am wondering if he is being measured by the J standards rather than being looked at in the current context.

  303.  #303DE on August 31, 2011 at 7:01 am

    FW #301:

    It is likely a measure by J…but a measure from which I created a boundary…it feels awful to have to wait around not knowing…

    if 15 minutes late, i don’t expect a call or a txt…
    but when is pass 15…it feels good to get a message ab it…

    i do okay with half hr/1hr late…if i know ab it…

    warm hugs,

  304.  #304Femininewoman on August 31, 2011 at 7:03 am

    CCarter’s emails talks about playing roles with each in relationships and calling in relationship debts as in getting even. He also suggests that as the more aware and evolved partner who is concerned about the emotional quality of the relationship that person might be the mvp on the team who might have to step up when the team is in trouble. He kinds of connects it with maturity and being committed to success. Really interesting concept in his From Casual to Committed program.

    Gay Hendricks talks about revisiting commitments as in a plane being set on autopilot. He says the plane drifts from its setting over and over again and it is the revisiting of the settings that finally gets the plane to its destination. I thought it was a very interesting concept to connect with commitment. He says partners can revisit the commitments and ask each other if this is what they really want and are really commited to and then start over again.

  305.  #305Femininewoman on August 31, 2011 at 7:07 am

    RE 302 DE does he know about this that you require in such details?

    If so, then I will share that another coach (have to find the name maybe Gay Hendricks) suggests repeating the requirement as if you are stating it for the first time. That will take away the sting of resentment and bitterness and will respect the possibility that he might have forgotten that you require this. I believe now that it was Gay Hendricks sharing an experience with his wife. How he felt honored with the way how she handled the situation and how the fear dropped so his mind and creativity totally opened up so that he could respond in a way that honored her, totally dropping blame and criticism.

  306.  #306DE on August 31, 2011 at 7:13 am

    FW #304:

    Well, it didn’t happen before…he was always on time or within reason…so, no, we haven’t had that discussion…

    Hmm…my nvs are telling me I am being unreasonable…:(

    my head is arguing right now…it feels bad…

    i need to work on my feelings today…do some riffing…

    i might share it when i get back from work tonite.

    thank you FW…:) If you come across the article of Gay Hendricks u mentioned above, I would appreciate it 🙂

    have a great day!

    warm hugs,

  307.  #307Femininewoman on August 31, 2011 at 7:17 am

    DE I know I am in your business bur here goes.

    BKatie Exercise Most Ashamed

    Write down a short, simple sentence that beings What I’m Most ashmed of is …………….

    Write down what you think this means.
    Inquire into each of the meanings on your list. In each inquiry ask yourself what is your truth and find three turnarounds.
    “When you question your darkest secret, and turn it around, you discover that everything you thought it mean isn’t necessarily true. There is nothing you need to hide from yourself”.
    Another exercise is What I dont Want You to Know about me.

  308.  #308DE on August 31, 2011 at 7:31 am

    FW #306:

    Lol…my business? lol

    Hmm, yes, I would sure work on these…

    warm hugs,

  309.  #309Femininewoman on August 31, 2011 at 7:40 am

    This article talks about actively appreciating and consciously revealing oneself. Might be interesting to someone.

  310.  #310Femininewoman on August 31, 2011 at 7:44 am


    As our relationship grew in depth and understanding, we found that there were seven major process commitments that really made a difference. We took years to develop, understand, and embrace these commitments in our souls. Once we did, however, the heart-level satisfaction of our relationship became much more profound. Here are the commitments that we discovered to be essential:

  311.  #311Femininewoman on August 31, 2011 at 7:52 am

    Kathlyn: What a lot of people don’t understand is that making the commitment allows you to have a road map and a place that you can return to because it’s not just about a one-time thing. They might think that if I slip off of the commitment or I forget about the commitment or I drift away from the commitment, then it’s all over. But we’ve really seen that it’s not just about making that wholehearted first commitment–it’s an ongoing effort in recommitting. When I say, for example, I commit to telling the truth to you, Gay, and then I notice that I am not feeling as close to Gay, I’m going to think about whether there was something that I’ve concealed. And then I’ll simply recommit rather than thinking that I’ve failed. I’ll use that as an opportunity to reconnect to what I really want and begin moving in that direction. And people can get good at committing and recommitting by practicing.

    Gay: Another thing about commitment that people really need to understand–which took us years to figure out for ourselves–is that anything that’s causing a problem in relationships is really caused by an unconscious commitment. For example, you might have a conscious commitment to having a lasting love relationship, but in actual real life you’ve been left by someone six different times. What you need to realize is that you’ve got an unconscious commitment to being left that’s stronger than your conscious commitment to having lasting love. Once people understand that it makes life so much easier. When you realize that the problems are caused by unconscious commitments, then you can can look into the problems usefully that used to be very mysterious.

    Kathlyn: The real power of identifying an unconscious commitment is to retrain your creativity. So if I realize that I have been unconsciously committed to concealing, then my creative energy is actually freed up to choose a new direction, and to begin practicing moving in that new direction, rather than feeling confused. This is a powerful tool.

  312.  #312Femininewoman on August 31, 2011 at 7:58 am

  313.  #313Femininewoman on August 31, 2011 at 8:09 am

    Unconscious commitments can best be discovered by listening to what you complain about, out loud or in your mind. When people complain about something repeatedly, it is almost always because they have an unconscious commitment to it.

  314.  #314Tmizz on August 31, 2011 at 8:11 am

    @ alias girl re #269 –

    Narcissus doesn’t fall into the lake. He becomes “stuck” there, because he is so captivated, looking at his own reflection, and turns into a beautiful flower – the flower we call Narcissus.

    It is tragic because Echo is in love with Narcissus, but he can’t see it, and he can’t hear her calls, because he is too obsessed with looking at his own reflection.

    So that is why when you call into a canyon or something and you hear your voice coming back, it is the ‘echo.’ (supposedly that was the spirit of Echo, who wasted away until she was only a voice.)

    I guess the moral of the story, in Greek Myth style, is to love yourself, but not become *too* obsessed with who you are.

    This story, obviously, is also the origin of the term “Narcissistic Personality Disorder.”

    And if you’ve ever known anyone with NPD, you know that it is *not* conducive to having a good relationship with them.

    And btw, both men and women can be Narcissistic…but it does seem to be a more masculine trait.

  315.  #315Tmizz on August 31, 2011 at 9:24 am

    re FW #312

    So, basically, I have an unconscious commitment to being single and/or being left by whomever I’m with.

    this actually sounds like something I already know about myself.

    Just not quite sure what to do about it…

  316.  #316Emerson on August 31, 2011 at 9:39 am

    Old habits are hard to break. I feel the first step for me to change is recognizing. I feel that people are being sent my way to help me to grow and reveal things to me.

    It’s been pretty amazing actually…maybe because I’m open to it, it’s becoming more obvious to me.

    I realized another thing that I did the other day with recycled…I think I was being competetive. I was kinda joking back and forth about something, but I think it may have been a lil bit too much boy energy.

    Its ok…I love me anyway. I cannot always be perfect. I can very rarely if never ever be perfect! So no biggie!
    Emerson you’re ok anyway.

    recycled has seen me in much worse form of leaning forward and being a general pain in the arse before finding Rori, and he still likes me. LOL.

  317.  #317Wildflower on August 31, 2011 at 10:11 am

    Read something and feeling triggered. Feeling disappointed and sad and guilty. This feels like heaviness in my chest and pressure behind my eyes. I love my sadness, disappointment and guilty feelings. I’m imagining the pressure is gently flowing out as I breath out releasing some negative energy. This feels more relaxing.

  318.  #318Daria on August 31, 2011 at 10:18 am

    sooo 🙂

    today i fell asleep doing EFT!

    i was doing EFT on not feeling appreciated for my dad for all the efforts i put in in childhood to not make problems for them

    and i went through a period of feeling limp and soft and bummed which then lifted so i figured it was like a trauma reaction

    then i kept tapping on stuff and i started yawning and feeling really sleepy!

    and then im like. ok thisi is probably a stress response im getting to stuff my mind doesnt want to go to

    and i kept tapping

    lots of rounds

    so sleepy

    tapping on the sleepyness


    haha i fell asleep with my hadn on my chest TApping!

    and then took a nap!

    i feel good and loving towards myself!


    that was so cute and i felt so touched at me falling alseep with my hand on my chest.


    then later i mean recently

    i was watching tv and commenting on a coaching decision not to let a top player play because he had had some beers the night before – not let him play in the league at all


    my mom all of a sudden says

    : oh what so now youre a sports coach too? you know what to do in this one too?:


    and what came out my mouth was

    “im leaving the room because i dont like being talked to like that!”

    it was very open actually and did not get a mean tone

    i actually felt happy when i got to my room and was getting on the computer

    soon she called me back to show me something! and it felt cool

    i love me… yay babysteps

  319.  #319Daria on August 31, 2011 at 10:24 am

    Esteemed – well what struck me was that yes i felt more confident adn different, which i do in dreams now when he showed up…

    but tehn when he did that one thing… ALL THAT WAS GONE AND I WAS BACK TO FEELING CRAZY!!!

    in just one instant it felt like my power just washed out of me and i just didn’t know what to do as my brain seemed to be picking old choices of stuffing or acting crazy

    so i felt kinda scared and super disappointed…

    i want to heal this! so i feel powerful!

    omg the feeling was so awful!

  320.  #320Daria on August 31, 2011 at 10:25 am

    I Do feel excited to SEE it so clearly so now i can shift something

  321.  #321Daria on August 31, 2011 at 11:45 am

    practicing :

    “wow i feel shocked
    i feel like a psycho
    and i feel awful and horribly jealous and liek my heart fell on the floor
    i thought i can handel this but no way
    i gotta to”

  322.  #322Wildflower on August 31, 2011 at 12:19 pm

    Do you ladies think it’s “leaning forward” when you’re dating a guy to bring up something that you said or did that in hindsight you wished you hadn’t? Like for instance if you reacted based on your NVs and now in hindsight you’re seeing it? Like say something like…” Can I ask you a question….I’ve been feeling weird/bummed out/ etc. about our conversation/experience the other day. I said/did this that or the other thing and now I feel sad because I don’t think it was really what I meant” and then take it from there. Or is this leaning forward trying to “fix” things?

  323.  #323Emerson on August 31, 2011 at 12:22 pm

    I have a question about stating sexual boundaries to a man without it coming accross as “asking” or hinting for more committment…maybe it’s just me thinking it may sound that way…? Your thoughts please…

    With recycledCD we have had sex already in the past, but I don’t want to have sex outside a committed monogomous relationship. I know he wants to and I am very attracted to him, and I find myself not wanting to “let him down” as well as finding myself tempted by the thought of being with him sexually…

    But for me, it feels bad to be having sex with someone outside exclusivity. I want to express this to him something like this:
    “I know we’ve had sex in the past and it felt amazing and I feel good spending time with you. I feel that it is important for me to be open and honest with you; I don’t want a sexual relationship with a man without it being exclusive. What do you think?”

    Your thoughs ladies???? Please feel free to be honest with me.

    Ideally, I would want marriage to have sex but I’ve been wondering about this because is that really realistic?? Is a man going to wait that long at my age to have sex without going out and getting it somewhere else?

    That is one of my fears.

    I feel confused around this issue still..I know that only I can determine what MY values and comfort levels are around sex. ….but I feel confused. I don’t know what to do.

    Sirens you’ve given me feedback and I’ve talked about this all before on the blog. I feel open to your ideas/thoughts/feelings…

  324.  #324Wildflower on August 31, 2011 at 12:22 pm

    oops maybe not start with “can i ask you a question” but i think you get the gist of my question.

  325.  #325tinque on August 31, 2011 at 12:46 pm

    Wildflower – It’s not so much leaning forward as why revisit something he’s likely forgotten anyway. Men tend not to remember and dwell on the things we women are famous for doing.

    If it comes up, then yes you can say something like you felt badly that what you said came out all wrong, but if it doesn’t, let it go.


  326.  #326alias girl on August 31, 2011 at 12:55 pm

    haha speaking of dreams. my dream i remember from this morning. one part of it this woman, college roomate-y kind of person. (?) was trying to give me one of her grandfather clocks but when she went to show it to me it was this old thing and it had this like huge dented metal thing/attachment almost like an enormous gravy pourer.

    and inside i was thinking ‘i don’t want this junk’. because i had been thinking maybe it was going to be something nice.

    so i told her it was too large for my apartment,

    lol. i’m not sure why i find the dream funny.

    and another part of it i was growing pins out of my body. lol.

    (probably prickly spines! lol)

    no but they were pins. and i said oh it”s like acupuncture. and people couldn’t believe i was growing these pins out of my body. mainly my chest area but i don’t remember having boobs in the dream.

    but sure enough pins were growing. and i would pluck them out and more would grow back.


    both dreams make me laugh to recall.

  327.  #327tinque on August 31, 2011 at 12:57 pm

    Emerson – First of all don’t worry about what he’s thinking. None of your business.

    How do YOU feel about sex? You say you want to wait for exclusivity. That’s fair enough. Do you know you are not exclusive? Do you want to be with this man? If you feel turned on and want to have sex, could you so so and not feel badly afterwards?

    Your speech if you really want to have this with him though I think it’s too soon even though you have been together before (this is a brand new relationship. You’ve changed. He’s changed, likely), could go something like this.

    “It feels really good spending time with you. I even feel turned on by you, I have loved having sex with you in the past. In fact it felt amazing. And though I want you in this way, I also feel it is important for me to be open and honest with you about this. I don’t want a sexual relationship with a man without it being exclusive. What do you think?”

    I still say wait though. Patience is a wonderful quality to cultivate.


  328.  #328alias girl on August 31, 2011 at 12:57 pm

    i have all these things needing to get done and here i am frittering away my time recalling my nonsensical dreams. i love me so much. if i were dating me i would just adore me.

  329.  #329Tmizz on August 31, 2011 at 12:59 pm

    Oh yes, also – the point of the Narcissus story isn’t to accuse anyone of doing something wrong. These people were just doing what they were doing.

    The point is to teach us that, while it is okay to like the way you look, and who you are, not to do so to the exclusion of everyone else. That is, not to become so obsessed with yourself that you completely shut yourself off from even noticing when another person loves you. Because that is the real tragedy.

  330.  #330Daria on August 31, 2011 at 1:05 pm

    this felt so inspirational for me! it feels like my world opened up! i want to feel alive like this when im 95!

  331.  #331English Woman on August 31, 2011 at 1:10 pm

    #270 Esteemed B

    I DO hope so much you get on well, but I cannot for a minute envisage living in a motel room with 4 pets, God love you. xxx

  332.  #332Daria on August 31, 2011 at 1:24 pm

    Tmizz – i hear what you say about the narcissus story…

    and still…the narcissus and other tragic stories feel bad to me

    they feel scary

    and to me its a way of thinking i don’t want – a fear based way – stories feel powerful, they go to my subconscious, and i don’t feel good with fear based stories

    and they are very common

    and i don’t feel good to think that focusing on myself as much as i possibly can is going to possibly lead to shutting out others. i dont’ want to believe that and i won’t

  333.  #333AmazingMe on August 31, 2011 at 1:27 pm

    I really like what you shared TMIZZ about Narcissus! Thank You. I at times have felt I am that girl rather be caught up with me in my life than give anyone power to hurt me! Trying to work on this the first step was realizing it and boy it was a step!! Now babysteps to growing!

  334.  #334AmazingMe on August 31, 2011 at 1:31 pm

    Daria that is my other argument with myself, the way I was raised was take care and love you because noone else will. Even if someone steps up you always have your self love! So I actually had put the word “narcissistic” into a negative category like it’s not a nice word is what I am trying to say. I would be offended if someone were to call me that. So I don’t know very interesting topic though.

  335.  #335Emerson on August 31, 2011 at 1:32 pm

    Thanks Tinque. I think you are right that I should maybe be patient wait and see what happens.

    You asked if I know that we are not exclusive? No..but I still feel that the conversation needs to happen at some point…I don’t want to “assume” something only to find out that he’s sleeping with other people. Eww.
    How do I feel about sex? I don’t sleep around and I’m very picky who I am with. I also feel concerned about health issues around sex, which is another reason besides personal morals that I don’t sleep around (not that I’m judging anyone else, and I’m no saint…ok)

    He did tell me that he’s not “dating” anyone else, doesn’t have a “girlfriend” and hasn’t been with anyone sexually since we started spending more time together which has been a couple months now…he said all these things without me asking.

    He knows (I’ve told him before) that I’m dating other people, but I did tell him that I’m not having sex with anyone and I don’t have a “boyfriend” so to speak…

    The question can I have sex and still feel ok…yes to a certain point, but I DO get increasingly attached and lovey gooey juicy feeling after a while…and I love that feeling and letting it just BE…but it hurts if I have to cut the guy loose.

    Yes, I DO want to be with this guy! I would love for things to work out with us. I really like him so much and I know he cares me. We’ve been able to hash some things out pretty openly. I am just cautious because I don’t want to get hurt.

    Hmm….maybe it’s time for me to take a chance on him, depending on what he says/does in the next few weeks…and just dive in….

  336.  #336Femininewoman on August 31, 2011 at 1:36 pm

    RE 314 Tmizz what I understand from Gay Hendricks is that in such situations we should make a conscious commitment to what we really want and feel it in every cell of our body. Write it down and say it aloud so you can wrap your heart and mind around it.

  337.  #337English Woman on August 31, 2011 at 1:37 pm

    I feel sooo scared and sooo afraid that I too like Esteemed B could be just a paycheck away from homelessness…………even though I have no pets and social housing is so much easier to obtain here in the UK than the USA………it is still scary as a single woman………OMG how the F*** did I end up in this situation?

    Sure I have family who could help me out, but still and all………….did life have to get this scary?

    Choosing not to go down this road of scarcity…..

    The Universe is there for me just asking it to……….Ask And It Is Given………..STOP worrying, all will be well……..but what if it isn’t?

    STOP STOP STOP thinking like this………….all is well………

    I have my 3 month probation period over today in my job………tomorrow I have to see my boss, what if I am crap at my job and he asks me to leave??? OMG I have no income to pay my rent what will I do?

    Am I being a drama queen? Well noooooooo as I am a 58 year old woman with no mummy and daddy to take care of me………….I am in this thing for the long haul………………on my own…………..oohhh I think I feel a Patti LaBelle moment coming on…………

  338.  #338Femininewoman on August 31, 2011 at 1:39 pm

    Wildflower what I understand around boundaries is that it is okay to share with people what I want in my life. The key is to be able to accept it myself and be comfortable with what I want so I can share that from a place of confidence. This not a request you are making of someone this is your life and this is what you want to do for yourself. It has nothing to do with anyone in particular. If you only want to have sex when you can fully open up emotionally in a relationship where you know that your feelings will be taken care of and that you will not be sharing sexual stuff with anyone and that you are enjoying because that is what you want, share it.

  339.  #339Femininewoman on August 31, 2011 at 1:41 pm

    English Woman as Byron Katie says just believe that all your needs will be supplied.

  340.  #340Femininewoman on August 31, 2011 at 1:43 pm

    337 was meant for Emerson in response to 332

  341.  #341Valerie on August 31, 2011 at 1:49 pm

    Riffing for the first time…
    I am riffing cause I feel rage…
    All of my stuffed emotions are coming outside after doing all the steps… And I found out, that inside of everything is just hate. That I truly and deeply hate myself… And why? Cause I spent years and years of trying to get over my mistakes and old patterns. Trying to find out why and how. And it was great. I was doing progress every day and there were a looooot of things which clicked and a loooot of aha moments. BUT! After these moments I felt calm and I felt relief… But then again… I make same mistakes again. I feel like an alcoholic who was fine without alcohol for a month but then drank again and had to start from the beginning, And then again and again and again… I feel exhausted. And most of all – I feel disappointment. I disappoint myself. And I know… I should forgive myself. I tried and sometimes I did… But how could I forgive someone who disappointed me so many times? Over and over again… So now I realize that I still fight with my “old me”. And I cant accept my old me… Thats the problem. Because I still separate my old and new me. I need to start loving my old me and accept that there is no old or new. That it is just me. But it is so hard… And now I feel desperate and I hate desperation, cause desperation pushes people away. And it is logical, cause I want to push myself away from me. Oh the accepting… The hardest step for me… And I feel totally stupid and dumb, because I read all of these posts, I read a lot of books, I watched programs and I UNDERSTOOD everything and everything makes sense. And I can tell the difference when I do it right. But that is the reason why I am so angry about myself. It is like someone gave me the knowledge and tools and everything I need but I am still not able to use them. I feel like a total failure. Because I KNOW but I am not able most of a time… And now I miss my calm feelings… I miss my peace. And I miss love. It is soo hard to love myself. I try. I do focus on myself, I keep the good work, I do lovely things for myself, I try mantras and another stuff. But still… I just cant accept myself. I will not give it up. I will try and maybe one day it wont be just a thought but a reality and true feeling. So from today… I’m starting to love my old me and I want to accept myself as a whole person…

  342.  #342Susan on August 31, 2011 at 1:50 pm

    RE: 322: Emerson

    IMHO, I think that is a fine way to state your boundary to him. Wanting to wait for sex to re-begin after you are in a committed monogamous relationship is something he will understand. He may not agree… but he will understand.

  343.  #343tinque on August 31, 2011 at 1:52 pm

    Oh sweetie, Emerson, you will know if he’s sleeping with others.

    AND he told you he’s not. What else do you need. Sounds exclusive to me or at least this is what he wants with you.

    I think “those” conversations are overrated and pointless. Even if you have one, and he’s an an untrustworthy guy, he will still sleep around if this is what he wants to do. A person such as this will say what he needs to say to get what he wants.

    I never had one of “those” conversations. It was simply understood. I felt K’s character, knew with most all I had that this is not something he does, sleep around, and he knew this about me too. If there was any hesitation about trust which there in both of us given our histories, time would have showed us. And it did. It proved that we were both true to our word, and we were, still are monogamously wired people.

    There would have nothing either one of us could have done to prevent this anyway. A person will do what a person will do.

    If this is not a good man, his true colors will show themselves sooner than later as long as you don’t dismiss the red flags.


  344.  #344Emerson on August 31, 2011 at 1:55 pm

    337 FW that gives me something to think about. I need clarity for myself, which I do have pretty clear in my heart what I want… but sometimes I feel lonely and I have needs… 😯 and the sexual attention helps…but I pay a price for it at some point, if things dont “turn out”….yes I’m looking for a result..long term to work out with recycled CD. I feel more confused than ever.

    Perhaps I am overanalyzing/overthinking?

    I feel curious…from my earlier post sirens what are your thoughts about my comment which I will repost here:
    Ideally, I would want marriage to have sex but I’ve been wondering about this because is that really realistic?? Is a man going to wait that long at my age to have sex without going out and getting it somewhere else?

    That is one of my fears.

    Gah…I feel like I’m all over the place. I just want to be married and have sex without worrying about all this hoopla and crap. Jeesh. I’d marry the guy right now actually!

  345.  #345tinque on August 31, 2011 at 1:56 pm

    Yes Valerie, yes, and you can get so much lovely support here when you falter or feel shaky.


  346.  #346Femininewoman on August 31, 2011 at 2:02 pm

    DE I was just reviewing the interview with Rori and Greta Hassel and they talk about the phone call thing and being late.

    What I got from it was that it can be approached with a teamwork mentality to avoid power struggles that could create a gridlock. They say to appeal to the man’s natural fix it mentality and move towards solutions such as putting an alarm on his phone. They say share how you feel first, your needs and possible solutions to reconfigure the whole phone call deal. As in “I needed to feel connected to you at that time” instead of using shame and blame thus making the guy wrong for what he chose to do at the time. Greta suggests asking how you can help fix this so it works for both of you. They suggest that if he complains saying you could have called also you validate his feelings with something like I know you wanted to call or be on time but maybe it was because of your hectic day and you feeling overwhelmed (by whatever) that maybe this or that happened. She suggests to listen to him to see what he has to say and then move the conversation forward based on whose cup is overflowing more at the time. Reason being it can’t only be all about you and guys don’t easily identify with feelings.

    I thought this was a very informative and instructive interview with some really juicy information. They spoke about Greta’s Power, Passion, Purpose

  347.  #347Emerson on August 31, 2011 at 2:03 pm

    Susan thank you for addressing me and for your feedback..I think he will understand.

    Tinque thank you for sharing about your experience, I think it’s helping me to put things in perspective.

    I am 40 and I don’t want to keep letting my lack of trust in general get in the way of having a relationship…I want to heal this….I’ve gotten so scrared and ended relationships that maybe I should have given more of a chance to because I wanted to get out early enough not to be let down and hurt too bad. i don’t want to do that again…

  348.  #348Femininewoman on August 31, 2011 at 2:07 pm

    Emerson sex is about pleasing yourself. If you have it and then feel guilty or dirty about it, that will show up in your energy. I believe I have read that in one of Rori’s articles here. I think that was what Tinque was suggesting that you look at; whether you want to do it to enjoy the experience or just putting yourself in a cage and barring yourself from something you want. It has to be about you. If he wants it with someone else he will get it regardless of what you decide.

  349.  #349Emerson on August 31, 2011 at 2:08 pm

    346 I said “I think” twice instead of using feeling messages…haha just caught that

  350.  #350Daria on August 31, 2011 at 2:12 pm

    Emerson – personally i Would say something – the script Tinque tweaked from your words was awesome

    i’ve heard Rori say that if you haven’t made an agreement to exclusivity don’t assume there is one –

    and for me there wouldn’t be. unless he tells me he wants that.

    i wouldn’t just rely on us being ‘monogamously wired’. i feel bad actually reading this term and kinda judged and angry.

    i don’t think people are ‘wired’ to be mongamous, it is a choice and a choice in thinking – I would have thought i was ‘monogamously wired’ in the past until i changed my thinking and perspective

    so i wouldn’t rely on judging a person’s character means they would not sleep with someone else. becuase it’s not about character

    someone with a wonderful character – i think of myself, i think of Rori – can sleep with multiple people, when there is no agreement to exclusivity

    and so i would talk with him rather than assume. that is something Rori has warned about – not to assume exclusivity

    speaking with him about it in a feeling based way and without asking him for anything will not damage a relationship in any way

  351.  #351Femininewoman on August 31, 2011 at 2:16 pm

    Valerie I am reading Byron Katie’s book I need Your Love – Is That True. I borrowed it from the Library. Towards the end she recommends a exercise of writing an apology letter to someone who you might have hurt. She recommends reading the letter to the person or telling them face to face, knowing that their response is none of your business. Then she suggests to turn this letter around as if you are writing it to yourself. This way you get to experience forgiveness.

    If possible I would encourage you to get the book and read it. There are some very healing exercises in there.

  352.  #352Emoticon on August 31, 2011 at 2:18 pm

    So… this guy is no longer in my life…. but his gf is???

    Im not crazy!
    I feel good that we can be friends.
    I dont even feel triggered hearing from her, but my friend discourages it. What do you Sirens think??

    So my friend had a similar situation and now she’s back with the guy and not ecstatic about it.

    I dont think I will end up back there at all… and if i do so be it. My outlook right now is… I have no desire to talk to him and it feels safe when she reaches out to me. So why not??

  353.  #353Femininewoman on August 31, 2011 at 2:20 pm

    Emoticon we are all one is what I believe.

  354.  #354tinque on August 31, 2011 at 2:21 pm

    I don’t know Daria for sure, and this is certainly not a judgment of anyone, but I believe that some people are “wired” (not literally) to want to be monogamous and some are not and some can go either way.

    I know for me, and I know for K that being with someone else just does not enter our consciousnesses. When we think of sex, we think of each other. Other men do not even tempt me. I think I can say the same thing about other women with K. There are no urges to resist or control. It just is.

    It could be upbringing; it could be choice. And maybe this is just How we were born. I don’t remember feeling any other way with any man I’ve been with, even the ones I haven’t wanted to be with anymore. Other men did not come into my picture until the relationship was ended with the man I was with.


  355.  #355Emoticon on August 31, 2011 at 2:22 pm

    Thanx FW I feel the same way. She is a nice person. So what if she took over my toxic man. Im not sure he’s all that tixic in their relationship and its not my business either way. We have a lot in common and end up having a lot 2 tlk about… so yes i tlk 2 her!! LOL

  356.  #356Susan on August 31, 2011 at 2:41 pm

    RE: 346: Emerson

    Funny… I have the opposite point of view about sex, yet you and I have some common areas in our background. I’m 55 and do not want to remarry, but I’ve always thought sex is best when in a caring and monogamous relationship. I see the difference between a monogamous relationship and marriage to be largely financial. Especially after the children are reared. And I also carry fear in my heart, but it is fear I will be left, not fear that makes me leave.

  357.  #357Emerson on August 31, 2011 at 2:59 pm

    I am nervous for my new CD tonight. I’m not SUPER stoked about him but I’m still nervous. Ack.

  358.  #358Femininewoman on August 31, 2011 at 3:13 pm

    RE 354 Emoticon please remember each relationship can be different so he doesn’t have to be with her the way he was with you.

  359.  #359Femininewoman on August 31, 2011 at 3:17 pm

    DE I forgot to mention that Greta Hassel also spoke about the need for consistency.

  360.  #360Emoticon on August 31, 2011 at 3:19 pm

    Yes I am very well aware of that because I have behaved completely different in each of my past relationships…

  361.  #361luzydel on August 31, 2011 at 3:36 pm

    So I had a Spradic CD that lasted 30 minutes with PlummerCD…He text me one hr before i left work to see if I wanted to meet at the park. I agreed, but it was too fast and I had my dog in my mind and stuff. I enjoy more elaborate dates; this was too fast and I was not able to be totally present.

    “NiceCD” rescheduled for tomorow…I need another CD that is if PlummerCD keeps contact, he probably felt I wasnt interested. Then I have to find two new CD’s lol

  362.  #362luzydel on August 31, 2011 at 3:37 pm

    Why are my post under moderation?

  363.  #363Daria on August 31, 2011 at 3:37 pm

    Tinque – yeah im pretty sure it doesn’t have much to do with how you were born

    if so, i feel less than you hearing about it.

    why was i not born with this ‘chaste’ gene that naturally makes me ‘virtuous’ and of a wonderful ‘character’ that is so exalted ?

    it would be wonderful to be – especially to someone who has lots of judgements and fears about being judged for her sexuality


    i didn’t have men enter my consciousness or want to be with other men then the one i devoted myself to until i changed my thinking around it

    sometimes i stayed devoted to an imaginary man that wasn’t even around and had no other man enter my desires for more than 5 years

    this was actually very common growing up in my culture


    it feels bad to read about this –

    i feel ashamed of my Rori supported desire to open myself – at least in thinking – to have more than one lover

    when i think that now i can’t make claims that i’m ‘wired’ to be monogamous

    and others now can.

    i can imagine lots of women deciding they are ‘wired to be monogamous’ and reject circular dating, or imagining having multiple lovers as per Rori’s encouraging article

    it feels very ‘safe’ to be ‘wired for monogamy’

    it sounds very ‘chaste’ and ‘pure’ in accordance to many long standing traditions of judging women’s (and men’s) sexuality

    it feels bad. what woman – who has ever felt affected by the judgements and restrictions on women’s sexuality … heard the words ‘whore’ and ‘slut’ and other such things –

    would not want to declare themselves ‘wired for monogamy’ if they could help it

    and then work on taking on the attitude and behaviors to evidence it?

    maybe someone with a lot of awareness and self-esteem, and who has seen wonderful role models of women who embraced and celebrated and Honored having of multiple lovers – do you know a lot of role models like this? I only have heard of this from Rori

    i used to be the queen of chasteness, devotedness, monogamy – it was my ‘ace in the hole’ for deserving love and relationship with a man

    that was my ‘strength’

    and it’s a total crutch

    i feel triggered because i now am being judged as ‘not wired from birth for monogamy’

    and that feels scary thinking about judgements of the world

    tying it up with character and all that

    it feels bad. it feels like its upholding prejudices on sexuality

    it goes against Rori’s advice to open up and imagine ourselves being able to have multiple lovers

    what is the answer to that? sorry Rori i can’t, i’m just ‘wired for monogamy’

    sounds like a great argument against circular dating
    and i feel pist off at that

    it’s challenging enough to drop the influence of the judgements i grew up with on women’s sexuality

    – here where Rori embraces and promotes it –

    to have to have another coach supported by Rori go 180 degrees against it

    i feel triggered. i feel pist.

    ok so almost no one but Rori and me really embrace that all women are naturally capable to have their emotional and sexual needs met by more than one man

    and that it is honorable and healthy and powerful

    and can still make a choice to have a monogamous relationship that feels wonderful

    so what?

    so it feels bad to me and i dont’ want to feel bad

  364.  #364luzydel on August 31, 2011 at 3:49 pm

    I feel Nice CD likes me a bit more than the rest, and that scares me…I like him also, I just feels scared…

  365.  #365Wildflower on August 31, 2011 at 3:54 pm

    RE 324 Thanks Tinque! 🙂

  366.  #366Emerson on August 31, 2011 at 3:55 pm

    Daria and Tinque

  367.  #367Emerson on August 31, 2011 at 4:01 pm

    Daria and Tinque
    My personal feeling is that any man or woman can be tempted by another, even if in a monogomous relationship with long term commitment. Whether it’s acted on or not is the question. I think we have the free will to act on it or not and make that choice for ourselves individually.

    I am not sure about the concept of wired for monogamy but some people subscribe to monogamy in a stronger way maybe??? When in a commitment?? So they are more faithful??? I dunno.

    I subscribe to it, but I am by no means a virgin and I’ve had more than one lover at a time when I was younger and experimenting. I used to be ashamed about it but not anymore. I just want something else now…I DO want manogamy and I don’t want my man to sleep with other women..

    If I get married to recycledCD, as crazy as I am about him, realistically I may even feel strongly attracted to another man at some point in my life. Will I act on it? I trust myself that I will say no, but human nature is hard to predict, so I cannot say for absolute certainty 100% that I will resist. I plan to and want to, but humans are imperfect. Wow it feels scary and liberating to write this,,,,I don’t believe in “cheating” on a partner, but I think it’s all about human nature and what we’ve chosen and what we’ve chosen to commit to.

  368.  #368Wildflower on August 31, 2011 at 4:04 pm

    I feel so pissed and frustrated my summer didn’t turn out as planned. That feels like tension built up between my temples. I love my pissiness and my tension. I’m imagaining it’s fire coming out of my ears like a dragon. Now I’m laughing because I feel ridiculous thinking of myself as a dragon. I feel tired and frustrated and exhausted. That feels like heaviness in my whole body. I love the heaviness. uuuuuuuuuuuuuugh i was supposed to meet and man on eharmony and we would fall in love and figure out a plan for a life and a house. Now I have to go home and figure out this plan for myself and this feels scary and overwhelming. i can feeltingles all over my chest. i love my tingles. now my neck feels tight. i love my tightness. i’m imagining the tinglies are glittery butterflies. it would feel nice to believe that…grrr got interrupted from my riff… would feel nice to believe that i can buy a house and i would not be tied down to anywhere and that i would still have options. a friend of mine bought a house and hten had to move the next year. she rents it now. this thought feels good and hopeful. that feels like tingles in my chest and neck. i love my tingles.

  369.  #369Daria on August 31, 2011 at 4:04 pm

    what really i feel angry about is the implications about ‘character’ and ‘values’

    some that are written about explicitly in posts…, and some just background because of the ideology i’m familiar with in most of the world

    if some people were wired for monogamy from birth – what triggers me about this?

    do i feel worried ill feel bored with one partner? yes i do

    do i know im capable of being completely loyal when i choose to be… yes i do

    i have experienced the attachment where i don’t have sexual desire for other men in my consciousness

    im probably ‘wired for monogamy’

    and working on unwiring myself

    so that i can choose monogamy when it serves me.

    ‘men would probably choose those ‘monogamy wired’ women as their partners’ like they want to choose ‘virgin brides’

    that is whatsup here and the thought that is bothering me

    and it doesn’t feel good

    and of course it’s not true because men choose some very not monogamous women all the time

    actually, men would likely choose women who are able to receive from multiple men, and have lots of admirers … because men value competing


    waht if i don’t have lots of admirers?

    but i do

    i am a magnet

    and what about men with women who commit to them right away without being open to other men

    (imagining all the women still focused on ‘monogamy’ as a character value focusing on these instances)

    well maybe it’s about the woman valuing herself, and maybe its somewhat about her aloofness coupled with vulnerability that provides enough for him to work for to win


    how do i feel?

    i feel sad

    did some riffing and am feeling better

  370.  #370Daria on August 31, 2011 at 4:17 pm

    i did NOT have more than one lover at a time when i was younger

    when i first did try it, i felt horrible shame and piercing emtional pain. i cried my heart out in front of the second man, even though i was doing it with full knowledge and approval of the first man who i was in love with – he felt towards me as a friend, and was trying as best he could to steer me away from desperately clinging to him emotionally

    i felt horrible shame and piercing pain that i was even entertaining the Thought of another man when i was ‘in love’ with the first

    and that i was ‘in love’ with a man when another man was so much more into me

    i felt sooo guilty

    i felt horrible horrible horrible…

    and all of that for … nothing!


    i feel smily!!!

    ever since i shifted my thinking a couple years ago, and dropped my ‘i will be chaste to the extreme so no one can accuse me of ‘wrongdoing” stance

    i feel totally ok thinking about multiple men! shoot! it feels so liberating and awesome

    and i want to encourage every woman to feel free this way!

    and yes, i still want a marriage, and a monogamous one, and no i haven’t changed into a person who ‘can’t’ have one

  371.  #371Daria on August 31, 2011 at 4:22 pm

    when i did feel ‘in love’ with a man, i did not ‘feel tempted’ by others… no i pretty much had to push myself to open up to others

    but i suspect that i might feel differently in a ‘real’ and reciprocal healthy relationship

    yeah i feel kinda scared of that, because Rori talks about thinking it is like less than an imagainary fairytale sometimes –

    when her thoughts get carried to the attractiveness of ‘yearning’ etc…

    and that when its real it feels pretty easy, pleasant. but not like huge in the fire devoted throw my soul away to you

    and i worry that it will feel ‘boring’. because i had a realtionship before that i did not want to be in from the beignning but stuck through 2 years… and it was my first ‘real’ one

    and hte guy liked me but i did not like him liek that, i did not want to be there… yet stuck through out of commitment and duty and not to ‘hurt’ him

    and ugh

    i don’t want my relationship to feel like that!

    and i feel scared it will!

    and that’s my fear about relationships

    one of the ones im most aware of

    and i love me

  372.  #372Lyka on August 31, 2011 at 4:27 pm

    Jumping in the convo about monogamy, if you don’t mind.

    At this point in my life, I am all for monogamy. I too used to have more than one lover a few years back, but only because I felt that I had “wasted” too much time being by myself and I had to make up for lost time. It didn’t really make me feel better about myself, mind you, in fact, I stopped after a year because I felt it didn’t do me any good. I had fun but the time to call it quits had come.

    I don’t want to get married but I do want my sweetie and I to have sex because we are committed to each other.

    I don’t like the idea that women can’t sleep with many men at the same time. I don’t like the idea that women are being called names because they have sex with many men while men are being viewed as “real men”.

    However, I do respect women who don’t want to have sex with men without a commitment or a ring. It’s fine with me, I don’t judge them. It’s their business and if that’s what they desire, then so be it. To each his/her own.

  373.  #373Daria on August 31, 2011 at 4:28 pm

    omg i feel so excited about so many people riffing!

  374.  #374Wildflower on August 31, 2011 at 4:31 pm

    I feel so triggered by sex and don’t know how to heal this. There is one man i sometimes have sex with and for whatever reason i feel fine with us just being friends. this has been since CDing and this feels odd to me since usually i develop feelings for men i sleep with. in the past it either didn’t matter because the men were showing so much interest in me that i felt comfortable waiting or having sex with them. or they were men that did not show a lot of interest and i regretted having sex with too soon. that thought felt bad. i didn’t want to beat myself up and I knew i would be dating lots of men so this summer i experimented with a boundary. i picked where i would draw the limit and stuck to it. i would love to not have to have boundaries because i do not feel frightened of feeling regretful. that would feel nice. on the other hand waiting doesn’t feel bad. what feels bad is when the men express irritation or “seem” like their feelings are hurt. this feels bad because it is me assuming what they are thinking.

  375.  #375AmaziingME on August 31, 2011 at 4:33 pm

    I am enjoying this convo too! Love the riffs and would love just to spill my heart out but I am too afraid!!

  376.  #376Wildflower on August 31, 2011 at 4:35 pm

    Daria your explanation of RIFFING a few days ago really helped me btw!

  377.  #377Undercover Lover on August 31, 2011 at 4:40 pm

    Trying something new…

    I have a CD… kinda. Well I am not 100% sure if he is a CD or not, and I have obviously been practicing on him. But there have been no ‘official’ dates.

    So he is the local man who everyone takes their computer to. And I have known him for years. So when my computer went wrong I contacted him. In the end I never got round to taking it to him and then I bumped into him randomly at a party.

    We danced and flirted a bit however I was with someone else.

    Following that he took my computer and worked on it. When he had fixed it I didn’t have much money, and that night I was hungry and planning to cook a meal for myself so I offered him some of my dinner as payment for work on the computer. I would not normally cook for a man, however it kinda felt better than giving him money and not giving him anything would have felt bad too.

    A bit of background on him… although I don’t know him well he is known locally as a bit of an oddball. You know a bit quiet and geeky. He is super intelligent and seems to be quite a loner. Having said this he has a nice persona and having spent some time with him and listening to him he seems kind. He is quite shy I think, and I have never known him to have a girlfriend, although that doesn’t mean he hasn’t… as I say I don’t know him that well (I have not been in the area for a while and only recently moved back… I know him from before). He also comes across a little bit shy and if I had to say I might say he is shy around women, although again I don’t know for sure.

    He asked me to collect the computer from his house and I could cook there at the same time.

    When I arrived he had his shirt off, and kept it off the whole evening. I only mention it because I noticed and thought it was slightly unusual, but I felt comfortable because as I say I have known him for years and we have lots of mutual friends.

    Well I made dinner and we talked loads, and he kept getting kinda close. Body language was kind of flirty. He also said something and then said ‘oh that was a silly thing to say when you are trying to impress someone!’

    About a week later I had a problem with my printer that I couldn’t fix and so he offered to come round and help me. He did… and he actually stayed for a good few hours, after the printer was sorted, and we talked loads again. This time he kissed me on the mouth as he left but did not ask to see me again.

    Then just the other day my computer shut down and died completely, following some instructions he gave me on facebook about how to turn off a certain function.

    He said to bring it to him and I was really busy that night so I asked if he would mind coming to me? He was not sure as he needed to eat a big meal, said he had not eaten for 2 days… in the end we worked it out and he brought some meat… I added veggies and I cooked while he worked on the computer.

    Another long evening chatting etc… quite a lot of flirting… me using tools. At one point he started talking about how some other woman (I can’t remember the context) and I said ‘I don’t like it when you talk about other women’. He asked why and I kinda smiled and tilted my head and said I didn’t know. He said ‘well there is a hint right there!’.

    Later I said my back was aching and he wanted to drive to his place around the corner and get me this heated beanbag thing to soothe my back. I said no thanks cus it was getting late and I needed to go to bed. He also offered to download a series I like for me… or anything else I wanted to watch. He seemed to want to stay as long as possible as with previous times and said he would like it if my computer broke every week so he could come round. I felt as though he as trying to find a way to spend more time with me with the hot beanbag idea etc…

    Just as he was about to leave I wondered if we could kiss and I made sure to be very open. I have been lean back in all our interactions, physically and in conversation, plus super girly… except it has always been me contacting (and cooking) due to the circumstances (needing the computer fixed).

    Anyway he didn’t try to kiss me at all this time, and just left kinda quickly.

    Today I text him to ask him a question about backing up and he messaged me back on FB. And even though he knows I am a bit of a technophobe he kept sending me loads of codes and information which I did not understand. He was trying to guide me to one type of back up system over another.

    I replied back with FMs like thanks for the info and I was feeling confused and overwhelmed… and I don’t know why buut it felt like he was angry with me… and that is why he was bombarding me with this info. And then he began saying how it was SO simple and VERY easy and it felt bad, like being made fun of. Then he sent me some videos proving a point he had been making the other night about global warming which I had expressed a varying view on…

    I said I felt cross. He sent back a sarcastic message saying “Thank you for all your help, I would never have managed without you!”

    I said sarcasm feels bad. I do appreciate all his help and I have said thank you many times. I said I was feeling cross and overwhelmed and it was just how I felt.

    He said if I felt cross imagine how he feels!! The he said just buy the USB thingy and he will sort it for me.

    I decided to experiment with facilitating his anger and said ‘so you feel cross too. I feel happy to hear about it? What is making you cross hon?’

    I am sure he was thinking ‘YOU!’ but he didn’t say and the truth is I kinda picked up anger before I ever said I felt cross. I don’t know at all and it felt like there may have been some underlying crossness… but maybe he was just cross that I didn’t get it and then said I was frustrated…

    But then why help me if he doesn’t want to?

    Anyway he didn’t reply.

    So I sent ‘I feel bad a a lil tense. I do appreciate your help and I am just feeling overwhelmed. I am not good with lots of information. I feel sad that you are cross at me’

    He put back ‘don’t worry. xx”

    And I said ‘Ok thanks.’

    I think I do like him. Not overly bothered… it is just weird to notice as everytime I have seen him I have been kinda swinging between I do and I don;t feel attracted… I never used to and he is sure not my usual type… and yet I do feel attracted in some ways.

    I feel rather confused about our interactions and would love to know what Sirens make of them.

    Sirens, what the heck is going on here??

  378.  #378Lyka on August 31, 2011 at 4:42 pm

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  379.  #379Daria on August 31, 2011 at 4:52 pm

    okay i feel guilty

    i think i pushed against – the energy i was perceving as attacking judging making me invisible

    and i feel like i forcefully pushed back

    and now i feel scared and… i think ashamed

    that was just a glimpse of ashamed as i don’t really feel comfortable with this feeling and only just today got an aha when i saw a man expressing it

    i feel ashamed that i pushed back

    maybe its guilty, but its also ashamed, like i wish i was different and didn’t push people so forcefully


    sorry Tinque for pushing back on you

    ive noticed when i feel bad, or feel unseen, i just go /RAH and push push push to make space and dig my heels in too

    and i haven’t been expressing this feeling thta i get, after almost every post i make when i express anger or not feeling good

    but yes i feel it

    and im starting to express it now and i want to heal it

    so i want to see what happens

    and i feel a relief now that i expressed it

    and yet i dont want to be like, apologizing constantly for my feelings

    don’t know where the balance is so experimenting with this now

  380.  #380Daria on August 31, 2011 at 4:53 pm

    okay i feel guilty

    i think i pushed against – the energy i was perceving as atta*cking judging making me invisible

    and i feel like i forcefully pushed back

    and now i feel scared and… i think ashamed

    that was just a glimpse of ashamed as i don’t really feel comfortable with this feeling and only just today got an aha when i saw a man expressing it

    i feel ashamed that i pushed back

    maybe its guilty, but its also ashamed, like i wish i was different and didn’t push people so forcefully


    sorry Tinque for pushing back on you

    ive noticed when i feel bad, or feel unseen, i just go /RAH and push push push to make space and dig my heels in too

    and i haven’t been expressing this feeling thta i get, after almost every post i make when i express anger or not feeling good

    but yes i feel it

    and im starting to express it now and i want to heal it

    so i want to see what happens

    and i feel a relief now that i expressed it

    and yet i dont want to be like, apologizing constantly for my feelings

    don’t know where the balance is so experimenting with this now

  381.  #381Daria on August 31, 2011 at 4:54 pm

    attac*king is going in moderation now… aww Rori is so sweet and smart

  382.  #382Daria on August 31, 2011 at 4:57 pm

    Wildflower – wow feels so good to hear that I helped you! yay

  383.  #383Daria on August 31, 2011 at 4:57 pm

    Amazing Me – feeling curious to read them when you feel ready!!

  384.  #384Daria on August 31, 2011 at 5:02 pm

    Wow undercover lover !

    i feel awed by the way you handled that ‘cross’ thing!

    i really feel inspired! it kinda blew my mind that you were open and thought of facilitating his anger right then and there

    you rock!

    i feel like im just spinning with what i just learned from that

    thank you so much for sharing!

  385.  #385Wildflower on August 31, 2011 at 5:04 pm

    i’ve been practicing keeping eye contact and smiling. also just in conversations. i’ve felt so shy and insecure in the past that i guess i never really did this??? i don’t know. lots of men have been winking at me lately. this feels nice. i feel smiley, warm and connected when this happens.

  386.  #386tinque on August 31, 2011 at 5:04 pm

    Daria – I feel badly that you feel badly for your desire to explore and experience different men and maybe sometimes at the same time. I feel badly you struggle with opening your mind and heart to new things around this.

    I think all of it is wonderful, whichever way someones either chooses or thinks they are born to express love.

    I don’t believe monogamy is a be all end all, desirable goal, and I don’t believe there is anything chaste about it. It is what it is.

    Whatever colors your sexuality has is beautiful. If it feels good to you then it’s right for you. May not be for someone else, but this is you we’re talking about, and you are unique.

    Wanting what you want is more than okay. Just because it doesn’t feel right to someone else doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with it or you.

    I don’t say you personally are not wired for monogamy. I have no idea. I applaud you and support your wanting to experiment to see what feels right for you, and if this includes multiple lovers, then yay.

    A part of me feels envious you have this opportunity to try different things on and see how they fit. Since I’m deeply in love, I cannot imagine doing this now, and I wouldn’t want to.

    I certainly don’t think one way is better than another, and I certainly don’t think women who are polyamorous are sluts or whatever other derogatory term may be applied to them.

    Remember I call myself a hussy slut, and I am firmly monogamous, so in my view this is not a negative term. And it’s just words. If someone calls you a name and means it in a negative way, they are not worthy of your time or attention.

    Can it still hurt? Yes of course, but this can be worked through.

    I don’t want you to come away from this thinking that I think monogamy is better. It’s not. It’s just one way, and it happens to be my way.

    There is no better way. Whatever way feels best to you is the best way, and this can change. Or not.

    And lastly, in all my other relationships I did feel bored eventually, until K. I am never, ever bored, and I have said this many, many times; sex just keeps getting better.

    You seem to have worked out your troubled feelings around what I said, but I still wanted to add this and hope it helps a bit more.

    Again I am not against keeping an open mind and heart to other men. My mind and heart are open to them, but sexual thoughts just don’t happen with them because I’m more than satisfied at home.


  387.  #387Wildflower on August 31, 2011 at 5:06 pm

    it’s possible one of my CDs may want to have sex tomorrow night. i’m going to experiment some more with my boundary if this happens. this guy is attractive enough that i want to kiss him but i’m not feeling so much chemistry that i will feel scared expressing feeling messages. i feel excited to practice this. this feels like tingles in my chest. i love the tingles. i feel smiley writing that 🙂

  388.  #388tinque on August 31, 2011 at 5:06 pm

    Daria, I just read your post about pushing back on me, and that’s not at all how it felt to me. Apologies are unnecessary, but thank you for being sensitive to this.

    Sending you love.


  389.  #389Lilybelly on August 31, 2011 at 5:13 pm

    327: Alias Girl said…

    “…if I were dating me, I would adore me.”

    Love! This!!

  390.  #390Lilybelly on August 31, 2011 at 5:30 pm


    Me TOO!!!

    I’ll keep reading to see if this has been solved. I haven’t the faintest idea how to deal with it.

  391.  #391DE on August 31, 2011 at 5:30 pm


    Thank you so much for remembering about me and posting all this awesome information.

    I really appreciate it.!

    warm hugs,

  392.  #392DE on August 31, 2011 at 5:31 pm


    Fear that T is not truthful

    Fear that he has other women

    Fear that I would feel abandoned when I least expect it

    Fear that I am being played…lied to…

    Fear that I don’t matter

    Fear that I would not see the signs…

    Fear of compromise my important needs and wants

    Fear that I settle

    Fear that once in a committed relationship/marriage…we stop growing…working on us…complacency

    Fear that I would shout, scream …express rage twds a man

    Hmm…I noticed feeling jealous when he shares ab having fun with his friends; I tend to pay attention to any details…:( and connect the dots later on…wow…like a detective…i pay attention and stay focused…I sure judge…wow…i stop being in these moments…I am no longer fluid and in touch my body…

    Hmm…my network of available friends and things to do that I love (like dancing) have declined as well L

    I want fun friends around me too L argh…

    I want money and being able to have a full life…taking a trip at any time…yes, that would feel amazing

    I feel paralyzed…stuck right now…confused…unsure ab my direction…

    Hmm…just heard a small voice within…reminding me:

    Be present

    Feel u body sensations

    How does it feel

    What do u feel?

    Trust me

    I never abandon u (hmm, I feel suspicious and untrusting of this statement – fear of my body being sick…is that abandonment of self?)

    With me u know the right way

    With me u make the right decision

    Me, u body…I am the Yang…and u, the Spirit are the Yin…

    We are complete…and together, we are not alone…

  393.  #393DE on August 31, 2011 at 5:35 pm

    Something I thought worth sharing, that reminds me and explains some of the recent heat on the blog.

    I am currently studying the 7 le*vels of We*alth Man*ifestation by Mar*garet Ly*nch; There are discussed five major personalities and their negative vows for each of the 7 cha&kras…I find the work on 2nd cha*kra very interesting…since it relates a lot to the work we do here…identifying and working with our body sensations and feelings.


    “Your 2nd chakra is your ability to actually let the world in through all of your senses by feeling how it flows to and through you. It’s how aware you are of other people and things in life. How do they touch you? How do you feel ab them? How aware are u of the vibration of light and sound and desires and your passions?

    Sensation is the 1st aspect and then there is the emotion. If sensation is raw feeling, the emotion is where we come into consciousness an assign a feeling to those sensations, which trigger us to either move out and expand in the world or contract inward. Your sensations drive your emotions and that drives your behavior.

    ..u could be tall or short but not really know it until you come up to the 2nd chakra and feel yourself. The 2nd chakra is your self-image, how you feel ab yourself.”


    Here is a few examples of negative vows at 2nd chakra for the 5 personalities:


    · Creative Idealist/Thinker (because they often leave their bodies, a CI/T says, “What body? I have a body? I didn’t know I had a body!”

    · Emotional Intelligence Specialist (poor me…they control people by being extremely needy)

    · Knowledgeable Achiever/Rule Keepers (they control by saying, “I don’t have needs. No, I’m fine, I can take care of myself.”

    · The Team Player/People Pleasers (“What need do u have? I will just have that need to.”

    · Charismatic Leaders/Enforcers (they exert control by dominating. They energetically grab people at the 2nd chakra and dominate them)


    It’s possible to exhibit qualities/characteristics from more than one…however, one is always the predominant.

    Although, majority of the work is done around identifying and healing limited beliefs or negative vows around each chakra surrounding money, wealth, the concepts are easily transferable and useful to many other parts of our lives.

    Here is a little excerpt around the 2nd Chakra as related to a personality type known as Knowledgeable Achiever/Rule Keeper (AK/RK)


    “When it comes to money and relationships, if we never have a need, we never allow people to truly connect with us, to be intimate with us and actually meet our needs…………….

    When you are a KA/RK, the state of being for you is doing. The Knowledgeable Achiever says, “I am what I do.” KA/RK – have the most closed second chakra because they deny their feelings. They want to know, “What do I get to do?” So you have moved up to the doing conflict…

    I want you to watch as I say that to you, are you judging yourself in your head asking, “Oh my God, I am doing it wrong!”

    I have to be careful when I give feedback to my KA/RK because in their head they move right into judgment, thinking they are doing something wrong.

    Rhys uses the crystal bowls to demonstrate. He’ll play the bowl for the 2nd chakra, and a KA/RK will feel it in their 3rd chakra, in their stomach. It’s your doing, it’s who I am, I am a doer. Or he will play the bowl for the heart and they’ll feel it in their 3rd chakra instead of the 4th chakra (the heart). My heart is in my 3d chakra. It’s what I do. Love is doing.

    So there is a vow in there that says, “I am not going to have a need. I am going to focus on other people’s needs before I get to the ‘Who am I?”…”


  394.  #394Tmizz on August 31, 2011 at 5:35 pm

    I love sharing stories 🙂 I’ve always been a big fan of Greek myths. And I think it’s totally okay to read/hear the story and take whatever you want out of it. Stories have a way of teaching us that something someone tells us directly often can’t do in the same way.

    But it helps to have the complete story, and not some idea of what you *think* it means, or is.

    Very often, not understanding is the problem, not the story itself.

    As far as I’ve read, in psychology, having “narcissism” as a quality or trait is not a bad thing. It’s totally natural and normal! So, like for example, what you are saying, Daria, is totally fine.

    When people talk about the Narcissistic “Personality Disorder” – it’s just that. It’s a situation in which the narcissism is so strong that it either runs the person’s life, or it just makes them totally difficult to be around, because they literally can’t “see” anyone else. It’s kind of like OCD. You can have a little bit of obsessive/compulsiveness (I know I do!) and be fine. But it’s when it starts to take over your life and literally get in the way of you functioning normally and/or having normal human interactions, that’s when it gets to be a problem.

    I don’t think any of us here have that kind of “Narcissism.” But looking in the mirror and loving what you see? Nothing wrong with that ! 🙂

  395.  #395AmazingME on August 31, 2011 at 5:36 pm

    Once there was this beautiful young girl, funny, smart, fun, and she lit up a room! Her laughter sometimes contagious others would smile because because she was silly! After all she had been through from a bad break up, losing herself and who she was she started over. What looked like a new beginning was also going to be a hard roaD ahead. She fought to find herself dating lots of men at the same time. Having fun, wanting commitment, but never would slow down enough in the same spot. Always bouncing around on a search for my true happiness. Writing men off left and right, not a care in the world then something happened. SHE FELL IN LOVE! REAL LOVE, the best feeling ever in her life and yet the scariest. She made all the needy and clingy mistakes pre Rori obviously. I pushed and pushed him far away at first on purpose. Then something took over me and it changed my life forever. I don’t hate this man in fact still love him but I had to let go. No matter how good or bad as the situation was or even still is. I finally started, after all these years with Rori’s words of wisdom and of course all your experiences, started loving Me! AMAZINGME! What do I want? What do my children need? How am I going to get to where I need to be? It’s not about him or the man before him or the man after him. It’s about me, I deserve real unconditional love from a man. I am worthy and will not settle. I have always been the same girl but now I have really changed. I am still me but with so much armor around my heart! When I realized how much love I was in it scared the shi&T out of me! I felt powerless, vulnerable, and emotional. I let my armor down without knowledge and my heart gets broken only I wasn’t sure who broke it. So here I am! Thanks for listening 🙂

  396.  #396DE on August 31, 2011 at 6:19 pm

    Getting ready for a new CD tonite…

    Feeling a bit low…

    T hasn’t said anything just yet…i feel a bit anxious ab it…

    Today, I got an email from someone I met and dated ab 4 years ago…we stayed in contact …and met every year…he leaves on a military base.

    It hit me that T’s stubbornness and quietness/shyness…and how he pleasing me…feel very similar to how I felt in M’s presence four years ago…T was in military for 10 years too…but he got out a few years back…

    I could not do the long distance…and didn’t see myself on a military base…or be accepting of my partner being overseas in some fight…nah…:(

    however, the experience connected me with a feeling that i long for in a relationship (safety, laughter, acceptance, loved, cared for, listened to…)…i felt very safe with M…trust was there…didn’t doubt his loyalty for a minute…and every year he comes back…i feel happy…i offered him my friendship at least…yet, he doesn’t want to be just my friend…:( so, he pulls back…

    From what I remember this might be the year, when he could retire from it…last year we had a discussion ab it…and he seemed very stubborn ab continuing in military even after qualifying for retirement…

    T…tends to go into his cave too…:( that feels scary to me…i feel abandoned …i feel alone…especially, if i am not told/warned…asked for space…something…:(

    I dunno…it feels good to notice similarities…

  397.  #397alias girl on August 31, 2011 at 6:58 pm

    #385 thanks lilybelly!

    so totally though, am i right? because i know my quirks and my intentions and i just “get” me and i find me adorable.

  398.  #398alias girl on August 31, 2011 at 7:02 pm

    opportunity knocked for me today.

    options, baby.

  399.  #399AmazingME on August 31, 2011 at 7:03 pm

    It takes a second to say I Love You but it takes a lifetime to show it.

    I would rather fight with you than make love to anyone else.

    Trying to forget someone you love is like trying to remember someone you have never met.

    God bless the broken road that led me straight to you.

    It’s funny how someone can break your heart and you can still manage to love them with all the little pieces

    I love you, not only for what you are, But for what I am when I am with you

    You come to love not by finding the perfect person, but by seeing an imperfect person perfectly

  400.  #400AmazingME on August 31, 2011 at 7:06 pm

    Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when you hang up on him, who will lie under the stars and listen to your heartbeat, or will stay awake just to watch you sleep… wait for the boy who kisses your forehead, who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats, who holds your hand in front of his friends, who thinks you’ re just as pretty without makeup on. One who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares and how lucky he is to have YOU… The one who turns to his friends and says, thats her…

  401.  #401alias girl on August 31, 2011 at 7:19 pm

    omg i feel so good to be cuddled in my comfy bed in my extravagant soft blanket with my pillows and my bear. yes, it is super early to be in bed but i felt pushed to my edge and i felt relief today and now i just feel a lil overwhelmed and just want to

    chill out.

    thank you. i feel happy i can.

    i have enough time. i never get it done. the email that is waiting for me will still be there once i am done chilling out.

    i feel relief.

  402.  #402alias girl on August 31, 2011 at 7:36 pm

    #313 tmizz oh he didn’t fall into the lake. ah.

    the tragedy i see in the story are that too people were cursed (by others who wanted them to be other than whom they were being) into behavior that ruined them.


    i understand it’s just a myth but for me it feels unhealthy and not useful. for me.

    for me. that is MY opinion of how it affects me.

  403.  #403Wildflower on August 31, 2011 at 7:44 pm

    was just riffing and accidentally hit tab and lost it. i feel irritated and pissed, i love my pissiness. it feels like my teeth grinding together. . i’m listening to the sound of my teeth tapping and it sounds like morse code. laughing. don’t even know what morse code sounds like. the laughing feels like warmth all over my body.

  404.  #404alias girl on August 31, 2011 at 7:49 pm

    #328 tmizz. still why did narcissus have to choose echo just because echo chose him?

    and not even because she was bascially lobotomized at that point anyway and just repeating meaninglessly because of the curse that had been put on her.

    and then some angry witchy goddess gets angry because she has pent up anger or something and gets angry at a man because he is choosy and a player and not willing to settle down yet?

    so she puts a curse on him?

    and he eventually turns into a flower?


    i just don’t derive any good sort of message out of it.

    it just seems like one more subtle, misguided message to teach people not to love themselves “too much”.

  405.  #405Wildflower on August 31, 2011 at 7:51 pm

    i reread one of my posts and it felt bad and closed. the post about having a boundary for sex. i don’t want to feel closed off and distrustful. but i feel worried if i don’t have a boundary then i will become too emotionally attached too soon…hmmm…but what if i just want to have sex anyway…i feel really tired right now

  406.  #406Wildflower on August 31, 2011 at 8:02 pm

    grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr HM viewed my profile but never wrote or called me. This feels INFURIATING!!! I love my fury. it feels like fire and THOUSANDS of tingles in my stomach. i’m imagining the butterflies are dancing like crazy with all of the glitter. it would feel nice to continue to
    CD. i feel scared i will never meet a man i feel really connected to. i feel short of breath. i love my fear and short of breathness. i can feel my breath leaving my body. that feels calming like some of the bad stuff is being pushed out.

  407.  #407Wildflower on August 31, 2011 at 8:07 pm

    i feel terrified i will always find a way to push way men i am sexually attracted to. this feels bad. that feels like tingling above my eyes and in my chest. i love the terror and tingling. it’s ok it’s part of me. it would feel nice to trust and be accepting of a man whom i am sexually attracted to and enjoy hanging out wtih. that thoguth feels overwhelming but nice. that feels like tingly excitement. like tiny needles in my lungs 🙂

  408.  #408Starla on August 31, 2011 at 8:50 pm

    I think Rori’s tools are much better money spent than the therapy i’ve been paying for.

    I think the therapist has little to really offer except as a professional referee who stands by while I heal my own self with things I am already doing a la Rori. He is there to make sure I don’t do anything crazy thinking it’s a great idea at the time.

    I feel good about paying that money to him, though, because I was feeling pretty darn crazy before I started focusing on getting happier. He’s like my insurance I don’t make anything worse.

  409.  #409alias girl on August 31, 2011 at 9:30 pm

    i just wanna talk to my exes.

    they are so easy.

    they get me

    it is so easy with them.

    i just wanna make love to them two. well the other one too but i haven’t heard from him in over a year.

    i’m gonna allow this to happen.

    this will feel good.

    i feel better already,

    i look around every day at men and i don’t feel interested. i meet men, i talk to them. i feel meh about so many of them. not as people. as people it’s fine and interesting. i can converse with many people and have it be an ok time.

    i mean meh in the romantic sense.

    my priorities in how i want to feel in relation to a ‘relationship’ with a man:

    he “gets” me
    i respect and admire him
    $ spent on me
    he cares for my feelings
    i wanna have sex with him

    if i don’t want to put my mouth on his d*ck then i can bet he is not someone i am desiring to have sex with.

    i almost had sex with this one guy once only

    i didn’t want to

    i didn’t want to blow him
    i didn’t want to f*ck him
    and i barely wanted him going down on me (i let him though. hehe.)

    i ended up giving him a hand job because well because i did. i think i felt bad that i had backed out of sex like the very last minute possible. i could have just left it that way but i felt like helping him out.

    but i didn’t want to see him anymore. i mean other issues were involved. i think if i felt better about him emotionally i MIGHT have grown to be ok with sex with him. but i didn’t real feel it.

    it’s weird how that is.

    anyway i ended up feeling way turned off emotionally so sex became out of the question. as did wanting to even really speak to him really at all.

  410.  #410Jilly on August 31, 2011 at 9:40 pm

    so many good posts tonight…

    Amazing Me…I loved 396

    that’s exactly how Pipeliner is…I felt him near me when I was reading it and I missed him…I’m missing him now…he is a great guy…I still wonder if I push good guys away in fear of intimacy…

    FW…I think you are so observant 🙂

  411.  #411sarah on August 31, 2011 at 9:51 pm

    Dear Rori, me and my man are in our mid 20′s and have been in a committed relationship for the past two and a half years but we don’t live together yet. The problem is that our relationship changed so much.
    I find myself extremely depressed and frustrated by the fact that the initial wild passion that existed in our relationship before is sometimes absent. A week full of love and great passion is always followed by regular quiet weeks. This gives me the feeling that he is now less in love with me and rather more “used” to me in his daily life.
    I react to his coldness by coldness sometimes to show him that I’m hurt. And other times,I react nicely and use love words to remind him that he should be doing that too. But still he wouldn’t react just like I expect.
    Even though trust and love exist, new girls he meet are a problem for me because I get insecure. What if they gave him the old feeling we used to get together at first when we met? Probably then, he will think we withered and its time for a change to a more exciting relationship. (He has great social skills)
    What makes everything worse is his new smoking habit that repels me and turns me off. He already knows how I feel but says he likes it too much to stop (he smoked before we met and stopped for me after we started dating). Should I make him choose between me and the smoking?
    Rori,I want to feel loved, special and like he cannot be without me just like before. I don’t know if acting cold and mean is the answer, how to bring that passion back and how to make him quit smoking again?
    I love him so much, please help!

  412.  #412English Woman on August 31, 2011 at 10:53 pm

    #338 FW

    Thank you, that’s what I do for the most part, try and trust in The Universe to take care of my needs, but then I read of a situation like Esteemed’s and I get scared and have these NV’s worrying about how it can happen to ANYBODY through circumstance.

  413.  #413English Woman on August 31, 2011 at 10:56 pm

    #340 Valerie

    I can totally relate to your post, I too do all the lovely things for myself, the mantra’s, read books, watch videos ALL of it, and yes I “get” it, but just can’t to feel this deep self love for myself only on a superficial level.

    I have no idea of how to get to feel for myself the way I feel for another when I am in love.

  414.  #414English Woman on August 31, 2011 at 11:14 pm

    #391 AmazingMe

    That was a lovely story with a happy ending coming up. 😀

  415.  #415English Woman on August 31, 2011 at 11:17 pm

    #396 AmazingMe

    “Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when you hang up on him, who will lie under the stars and listen to your heartbeat, or will stay awake just to watch you sleep… wait for the boy who kisses your forehead, who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats, who holds your hand in front of his friends, who thinks you’ re just as pretty without makeup on. One who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares and how lucky he is to have YOU… The one who turns to his friends and says, thats her…”


  416.  #416alias girl on August 31, 2011 at 11:46 pm

    i remember once one of my ex lovers who was very very very adamant about us just being “friends”

    every once in a while would do something spontaneous that gave his feelings away

    one time he had fallen asleep and when he woke up he pulled me to him and kissed me on the forehead. and then he kind of realized what he did. aw.

    and then another time he kept telling me to hug him harder. aw. he is so cute. i feel excited for when he calls me again. he is mad at me now and i think he deleted my number. so i don’t know how he is going to contact me if he doesn’t have my number. lol. aw. lol.

    i feel squeaky laugh and smiling.

    i feel happy he probably misses me by now.

  417.  #417alias girl on September 1, 2011 at 12:19 am

    i just put up a new profile on pof but with no picture But stating a sexual desire. i can’t really put up both, you know. and i totally put in just an age. and well, whatever.

    all this thinking about my exes got me wanting to be with someone.

    i love me. so much.

  418.  #418alias girl on September 1, 2011 at 12:20 am

    (((Esteemed)))) i am thinking of you. i know you are in process of a move.

  419.  #419Daria on September 1, 2011 at 4:07 am

    okay wow my dream! I was watching Jerzey Shore tonite and they were going to italy and it felt so exciting and fun the way they had fun together

    well after that i fell asleep and i dreamt i was on it

    and we were all sleeping on a big bed and everyone was Super drunk

    and i had sex with one of the guys on the side of the bed

    oh yeah and i was blonde

    AND after i had sex with that guy i had anal sex with one of the other guys on the other side of the bed


    and it felt good

    and then when we woke up i felt panicked but nobody was tripping

    actually we had to get to a job and i was late and trying to pick my accessories

    before that i had met a guy, somehow we were like at planet hollywood or something

    and this guy had dreads and he liked me

    and we were all sitting on chairs and he was near me and holding me

    and this other chubby guy was asking if this girl liked him

    and i said probably not yet from what he said and especially if he’s asking that

    and that he can keep trying though and see how it goes

    he seemed to really get what i was saying

    yeah then we were running around the house and i put my legs around mike’s shouilders

    i was wearing jeans, and hes like “Ah like a breath of fresh air”

    and i felt scared because i knew i had sex with the two guys the night before and i was judging myself and had a hard time accepting what he said

  420.  #420Lyka on September 1, 2011 at 4:46 am

    Daria, it amazes me how you always remember your dreams, especially since you “toke”. I was never able to do that when I “toked” too.

    How the heck do you do that? lol!!

  421.  #421Lyka on September 1, 2011 at 4:53 am

    Although, I remember the dream that I had just before waking up (those are the ones I remember the most, unless they’re middle-of-the-night nightmares).

    So I was with my sweetie, who had a different face, btw and a friend of his whom I don’t know. At one point, I was walking in a green field (looked like Ireland or Scotland) and my phone rang. It was some guy I’ve never met telling me “sorry for not calling back before, I was in the hospital”.

    And I didn’t care, I just replied “well, I’m back with my ex” and hung up.

    WOW, talk about being insensitive, lol!

  422.  #422Lyka on September 1, 2011 at 5:07 am

    Yesterday, a man came to the shop asking for a sex toy for his “wife”. He kept arguing with me that women had a prostate and I told him “no, sir, women do not have prostate and I will show you in the book I have here”. But he was adamant and kept saying “yes, that’s how they ejaculate”. I said “no, women actually ejaculate from their G-spot, not their P-spot. Only men have P-spot.” And he kept arguing and arguing and I felt like, my goodness, how can he be so ignorant? Kind of like when men come in the store and tell me that the penis is a muscle. Doh!!! I don’t think so!

    So another customer came in shortly after and I had to leave him (arguing man) for a moment but he just flew out the store before I could even take that book out to show him what I meant.

    What a dodo! Me thinks his “wife” is actually a “husband”, i.e. a man who had an operation. 😉

  423.  #423Daria on September 1, 2011 at 6:17 am

    Lyka – i almost always remember them right after i wake up – if i don’t explore or writ them down right then, i noticed it’s likely forget them in a few hours (sometimes frustratingly so)

    so me writing them now is actually me jumping right out of bed to the computer

    its practice in remembering them!

    and… i haven’t been smoking lately, but it never interfered with remembering my dreams…

    just thought of something cool… the herb Artemisia – i