Rori Raye Relationship Tip: How To Find Love, Re-Create The Love You Have – And Keep It Forever

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intimacy There are so many books out there that talk about what to “say” and what to “do” – to “play hard to get,” “have boundaries,” “don’t let him get away with stuff”…and the IDEA of STANDING UP TO A MAN is great –

– But if you “play” at anything – if you PRETEND to feel a way you DON’T actually FEEL – you’re being untruthful to yourself, and then your self-esteem drops down to the bottom and then everything goes downhill with it.

Telling a man how “wrong” he is – even if he’s done something thoughtless and hurtful – is USELESS.

It’s useless to try to “correct” a man’s behavior because:

1.  It makes him instantly feel defensive – and as he becomes defensive, he LOSES his ATTRACTION for you.

And when he loses his Attraction for you – he loses his MOTIVATION to work HARD to keep you and the relationship.

He doesn’t see or feel a way of WINNING with you.

He feels like he’s always hurting you or disappointing you – he can never do anything right.

2.  Making him “wrong” makes him see YOU as NEEDY!

That’s right – he sees YOU as making him the center of your world.

If your man is good enough for YOU – you can turn your relationship around, and if he’s not, you don’t have to “give up” – you can just “lose interest in him” yourself!

I know it sounds too easy to be true – but this is how it works, and I know because I’ve tried to turn so many men who weren’t good enough for me into husbands and pushed away so many men who may have been good enough for me.

And I also know – because once I figured this out it was like I’d taken a magic pill – that you can both turn things around on a dime, and you can lose interest in a man you were once crazy about on a dime – all without any work or pain at all.

You Need To Know HOW To Talk To A Man – About ANYTHING! Here’s How To Learn:

If you’re enduring the back-and-forth of a “Rubberband Man,” or longing for love and feel like there’s no good man out there for you – I can help.

Every day with my clients I come up with new Tools to help you turn your love life into what you want it to be – fast, and since we’ve experienced amazing, dramatic turn-arounds in my group coaching classes, I wanted to open this up to you in my blog community, too – you can join the next class series on January 30th…Just go here to learn more about the class:

If you’re ready to just sign up for the class and make sure you have a space saved – just go straight here to Paypal:

Hope to see you on the calls!

Love, Rori


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  1.  #1Femininewoman on January 18, 2012 at 6:49 am

    Keep it forever feels scary

  2.  #2Femininewoman on January 18, 2012 at 6:55 am

    I get it about telling a man he is wrong. I really dislike the back and forth debating that it triggers sometimes and I even see if between my kids.

  3.  #3Camille on January 18, 2012 at 7:32 am

    Wow does this article resonate with me. Not at the moment, but certainly reminds me of my past behavior. Every word of it is true.

    Feeling excited because Im getting so much more skilled at the RR way. T even verbally commented that I have been acting so “odd” lately. LOL

    Im sure it does seem “odd” to him. My growth is so beautiful to me.

  4.  #4Camille on January 18, 2012 at 7:35 am

    Feminine Woman,
    I have seen this in my children also…Im trying to give them some tools so they dont have to be 30 before they find some great information and change.

    Its interesting I use RR tools in all of my relationships.

  5.  #5Angela on January 18, 2012 at 7:47 am

    I feel better this morning about the conversation my ex last night and I am happy I read this blog today!

  6.  #6Mel on January 18, 2012 at 7:53 am

    Re: 831 (last article)

    “the best thing we can do when we’re feeling suddenly different is ask, “who does that belong to? If it feels “heavy” to us, we just send it back to the person, whomever they are because it’s not ours. If it feels light – it’s ours and we can do with it as we wish. ”

    Love this Sweetpea!

    NVs…go back from whence you came! lol

  7.  #7Camille on January 18, 2012 at 7:54 am

    How courageous you are to share your story.
    A new day has come, your energy is shifting. I can feel it reading your story. I can feel such self-awareness in you now, that I havent heard before.

    You are so strong. Keep moving forward we are all here to support you! Keep searching, God will support you.

    All my love to you.

  8.  #8Mel on January 18, 2012 at 7:55 am


    Sorry you had such a crummy night. It was really windy here too in my area of QC. We also had quite a bit of freezing rain.

    I am feeling sooooo excited for your meeting with P tomorrow! You will have to keep us all posted, ok?

  9.  #9Mel on January 18, 2012 at 8:04 am

    Because of some encouragement from my dear Sweet-pea, I have been trying really hard to ask for the things that I want/need. I’m getting much better at expressing my feelings when something’s bothering me or when I feel inspired or excited about something, but asking for stuff is something I find difficult. I always have.

    So last night, I felt especially in need of some cuddles, so I said “I wonder if you would mind snuggling me for a bit. It would feel so nice and safe and warm to be wrapped-up in your arms.” He said “absolutely, I wouldn’t mind.” I continued “I’m such a cuddle-bug. I really love to be snuggled.” He said “I’m usually one that likes lots of space when I’m sleeping, but I’m learning how to cuddle. I like to give you cuddles when you need them.” Awwwwwww, so sweet! He’s learning how to cuddle just for me! 🙂

  10.  #10Camille on January 18, 2012 at 8:08 am

    He just sounds adorable, as do you. I am so inspired by how quickly you learned feeling messages and are putting them to work for you.

    Yay Mel!

  11.  #11CurvySiren10 on January 18, 2012 at 8:25 am

    Reposting this from the previous post:


    I wanted to thank you for your blog post on commitment. I’m in a very interesting situation with my man of two years (tomorrow!) that has me very interested in this topic. We’ve had a bit of a rough ride, but lately his commitment to me feels VERY solid without a ring, without the L word being spoken directly, without marriage. This is so difficult for me to grasp.

    What you said in your post really resonates with me.

    “Strangely for me having come from a background of deep insecurity and wanting things laid out neatly, it has never bothered me that more concrete words have not been spoken between us.”

    I am really fighting the limiting beliefs here. Everything he does screams that he loves me and is “committed” to us. He isn’t interested in other women, we have gotten in to some very big projects together, he’s spoken of living together and even marriage, but not in concrete terms.

    I am recently divorced although separated for a while and I’m not really ready for marriage, but I do want a commitment. Your article has really helped me to understand that we can define that however we want and not have to comply to anyone else’s definition or fantasy. It’s hard to quiet these voices that say I need more, but I think I’m on my way.

    Thank you again.

  12.  #12CurvySiren10 on January 18, 2012 at 8:27 am


    I agree with SilverMoonbeam. You impress me so much with your self-love and understanding. And your wicked smart, driven, successful side. You ARE a great role model. I love reading your posts and witnessing your growth. It’s inspiring.

  13.  #13Rose on January 18, 2012 at 8:28 am

    Yes and I see how I always used to do this in my relationships all the time..

    Oh this is healing…I feel the changes in me..
    “Being truthful about how I feel” yes and how naturally this is coming for me now more than ever..

    I still struggle with fear of telling my man truth about how I feel…

    I unzipped my heart yesterday and it felt so good to have this kind of communication..

  14.  #14Mel on January 18, 2012 at 8:30 am


    Hie IS quite adorable. Last night we were both really giggly and playful with each other.

    He was commenting that his boss at work is crazy, commenting “I’m not a machine!” I laughed, and said, “Well, I think you are a machine, but in a completely different way…” He said “oh really? Mr. A., s*x machine! I like the sound of that! Can you write me a letter of reference?” I made a pouty face and told him that I would if he wanted me to, but that I would feel a little sad because it would mean he was looking for another “job.” He gave me a huge smile and a hug and said “You’re the only one I want. I am soooo happy.” What a sweetie! And a smart one too… it would be really silly of him to look for alternate employment! lol

  15.  #15Camille on January 18, 2012 at 8:32 am

    I have had many a fight to be right….now I realize that although many times I was right…..It certainly didnt get me what I wanted and saying well “I was right” lost any kind of meaning for me.

  16.  #16Camille on January 18, 2012 at 8:34 am

    How fun, it makes me smile to read your post. I have like that one since you began dating him lol
    I find myself wondering something about you and Mr. Architect lol and I dont know either of you.

    You inspire me

  17.  #17Mel on January 18, 2012 at 8:37 am

    What do you wonder Camille? Now I feel curious!!

  18.  #18Femininewoman on January 18, 2012 at 8:38 am

    Mel on another note, taking into consideration all you have learned and experienced with the tools I am wondering if you believe that had you known then what you know now, would it have been different with your ex?

    I am curious because sometimes it seems that there is an assumption that all men will respond the same way to fms. Also whatever happened to friend with BEEnefits and do you still tend to your bees? Have you given up on your dream of moving to Europe?

  19.  #19CurvySiren10 on January 18, 2012 at 8:41 am


    Thank you for sharing your story. It breaks my heart to imagine how lonely you feel and how desperate for touch. I can see how that would make leaning back with R (or anyone) so much more difficult. But at the same time, I read your posts and cringe knowing you often do the very things that will continue to keep him at arm’s length. I have SO been there and done it, and I am learning.

    I know you are too. I know how hard you are trying and working at self-improvement and working Rori’s tools. Keep it going and do your best at all times to give R the gift of missing you and the opportunity to create real attraction beyond the friend zone. I know you don’t believe him, but he continually tells you that he sees you as a friend, and only YOU have the power to change that.

  20.  #20lk on January 18, 2012 at 8:43 am

    well, i’m glad i asked CD about what good boundaries are… he had mentioned earlier that if someone else was giving me massages that i would have, “one less boyfriend” & at the time i said ok lol but then last night i said, i feel scared about you mentioning that boundary because i want us both to feel safe & trusting & i think i would have crossed that boundary…. & i don’t want us to hurt each other because of a misunderstanding… i don’t want confusion or anger or crying…. & he said, yes, let’s talk about it. & the first boundary he shared – after “no other men touching you” LOL – was, “if you need anything, i hope you will ask me first. i think i would feel hurt if you didn’t come to me first for anything because i want to help you.” & i said yes, that i want him to help me & that i want him to come to me & not another woman for help with anything i can do & that that felt like a good boundary & i thanked him for sharing & we said we’d keep going on the conversation later, but we agreed we needed to keep communication going on it. that feels nice. he also mentioned that he’d like to spend time with other couples, but he wouldn’t be hanging around with single women. he said he understands women are different & that women seek relationships constantly, but that he didn’t want or need to be alone with single women unless it was professional or the woman was a childhood friend. & i did share that i like my male friends but that i had experienced the confusion he was talking about…

    also, the scariest thing. he said he is “sure” of me & that he knows what he wants. he mentioned being afraid of dinner with my parents & “what that means” & not wanting to get “too attached” & he said it is really scary because he thinks i don’t know what i want. it’s true. i don’t know what i want. but i do want a partner like that.

    i tried to explain how i make decisions… about flowing & how it is not the same as not doing anything… & he “got” it & said he does that a lot… but we’ve talked about it before & we agree it is partly a gender thing. women flow differently than men. we have more water in us.

    i just in my mind kept thinking, i love you & i must have been radiating it. i felt it coming out of my skin.

    more baby talk. i mentioned how exhausted i am from all the bleeding & he said, you could just get pregnant : ) & we laughed… that is quite the solution… hm… & he asked me how many babies i want & i said 4 would be nice but 3 would be wonderful also or 2 or 1 & there are certainly enough humans around so if i can’t have one myself, i’m sure i can buy a chinese baby at the mall & he said, no chinese babies come from walmart & we laughed. babies ! i love babies lol

    i also told him my random thought, “i could do a 2 year program in 9 months” & at the time i wondered if that timing has to do with pregnancy because the thought recurred to me discussing babies… but maybe the idea of pregnancy & the implicit 9-month time-frame triggered the memory?

    anyway. ummmm…. yes i was going to write about….. ummmmmmm…. well, i got to see him in some funny situations. 1 was we had this kind of cute waiter. & i don’t know why but there was cr8zy tension between us ? i didn’t really think he was cute….. though i knew he “was” in a “normal” way… but i thought that CD thought that i thought our waiter was cute…. LOL too much confusion but it was funny & reminded me that you can’t just “read” people like books – weird shxt goes on ! i’m sure i looked awkward & guilty & embarrassed…. but it wasn’t “real” or anything lol & anyway we had an absolutely fabulous & romantic dinner : ) lots of laughs & i had prosecco off the “sparkly pink” section of the menu : ))))))) & he was teasing me about needing glitter & balloons & a fancy glass : ) yummy

    oh & when we got up to his house, a pipe had frozen & burst & the heat was out & i was like, Oh no, this is the part where he turns into a wailing little girl & i get turned off. but instead he got me warm & fixed things up, made calls, & tucked me in with a glass of water, all happy & warm & no-worries & he cuddled me relaxed all night, no grumpy faces even when he had to get up to check on things & i cuddled him coming back cold & it felt sweet.

    also, he fell asleep in bed & i felt sad & untouched & wanting to kiss. & i wasn’t sure what to do… i didn’t want to wake him or anything… but i did ! i did want him awake & kissing me. so i just sat up & then he woke up & then i kissed him & he kissed & cuddled me for hours after that & i felt so glad i woke him. maybe if he hadn’t done just what i wanted when i woke him & kissed him, i still would might have said, “oh baby i feel sad & aching for kisses…& for you touching me….” yummy that sounds soft & nice. i think i would have said that.

    & then after long cuddles he said, i have a secret, i’m falling head over heels for you. & then he kept saying that when we woke & kissed or cuddled, “head over heels, lk” lol it was sweet & i was feeling very kiss-y & cuddly : ) aw it feels nice to let myself be affectionate & melty baby : )

    awww i went in the kitchen just now & these 2 men were talking about tai chi & then the 1 guy who is teaching the other 1 stopped listening to the guy telling the story & he just said good morning to me & kind of bowed & then apologized to his friend saying, how can i listen to you when there is a beautiful flower in front of me ? & it was so respectful & sweet & i know he’s a loving husband & father & has a disciplined tai chi practice… & i want to add that possibility of action to my vision of my future husband. that, yes, he can call a young woman a “beautiful flower” & it can be respectful to me, the wife, & to the young girl. i like that : ) it feels safe & lovely

    also, CD has just lost some weight & also shaved a long beard… & i wonder if he ever feels disconnected from his current appearance… & i said to him last night, do you miss your beard ? & he said, no, i like my life with you. LOL because he shaved to meet me so i wouldn’t be scared & i have told him, yes, i would have been terrified ! & also last night i said, if you had a belly, i would rub it for luck. & he said, if i had a belly, i’d run up & down the mountain until it was gone. & i said, if i had a belly, i would NOT run up & down the mountain ! & he said, if you get a belly, i hope it’s for a different reason : ) yummy

    & we talked more about work, money, & houses & he asked me to go with him when he looks at houses. but i didn’t really like the way he asked me… kind of joking… so i didn’t really answer. but we can talk about it later. i really want to say, i need my own bedroom or private space. a mirror, a window, light, blankets, pillows. but i can’t ask that until he’s asked me to move in & i can’t move in until i have plans for paperwork. legal paperwork. hospital visits. will execution. i want him in charge & i want to feel free around death for both of us. that is terrifying, lk. please redirect your energy. thank you!

    oh lol i liked his joke about coming to my office & calling me embarrassing pet names. “he doesn’t even call me that !!” LOL ummmm oh & it’s nice for him to drive me to & from work. that feels really easy & lovely & i feel easier that i know he’s enjoying my company if he wants to drive 2 hours to sit in the car with me for an hour … & then driving an hour back to drive me home in rush hour city traffic lol poor boy.

  21.  #21Sun Goddess on January 18, 2012 at 8:51 am

    I just started to implement new changes at work to make my life better. So far it feels good. I am trying to lean back with LP but I commented on one of his posts last night. His mom also commented and I felt a bunch of meanness from her. Everyone does not have to like me. She will come around and maybe one day she will love me like she used to.

  22.  #22Camille on January 18, 2012 at 8:54 am

    I love you sharing your stories and then sometimes it just pops into my head “I wonder what Mel is doing with Mr. A today” or ” I wonder what Mel and Mr. A said to each other today?
    Kinda funny huh? Especially with all of the things I have going on.

    You just seem so cute and light and sweet and so does he and it makes me feel good to hear your stories I guess.

    Hugs to you! Thanks for your sunshine.

  23.  #23Mel on January 18, 2012 at 8:56 am

    Hey FW,

    Lots of questions! lol

    Perhaps things may have been different with my ex. Or perhaps not. I think that things happen when they’re meant to happen. When we’re ready. What I can tell you is that I have grown so much over the past year. I feel much happier, much more comfortable in my own skin, much more loving towards myself. No matter what, I am always asking myself the question “but what do I want?” In any given situation, I am trying to do what feels best for ME. I feel happier than I have in a long while… even when things were “good” in my marriage. I think that the breakup has been the best thing that could have happened to me- for many reasons.

    Friend with BEEnefits and I still see each other about once a month. We both live fairly busy lives, but we try to make time for each other and visit when we can. He has become a very good friend. He’s even becoming a very valuable business acquaintance and a potential investor in my future company. I feel very lucky to have met him.

    I still have my bees and love tending to them very much. It is winter now though, so they will be dormant for a few months. I plan to expand my colony in the spring.

    As for Europe, at the time it was a really good “idea” because after the breakup, I just felt this incredible urge to run away. I felt like everything in my life was just happening TO me and that I had no control over anything. I think this was my attempt to exercise some control in my life and to make a change that I wanted. I wanted to do something positive and FUN and that was one idea for how I could do that. It didn’t work out, and now I have found a job that I like very much here. I basically just made a decision that I was not going to sit around at home and mope and feel sorry for myself. I was going to LIVE and do all the things I ever wanted to do; anything that brought me happiness. I enrolled in a bunch of dance classes, made an effort to be more outgoing and social, joined Match, tended to my bees, and went on frequent road-trips. Europe was never going to be more than a temporary escape, and since I am feeling so good in the place that I am now, it’s not something I’m really considering any more. I have other more long-term dreams (business wise) that are much more important to me.

  24.  #24lk on January 18, 2012 at 9:01 am

    oh & also i said something over the weekend, some dirty joke kind of, & i said, no but actually if that’s what you’re into that’s fine & i can help you out : ) & he said so seriously, thank you, lk, for being open & concerned about my sexual pleasure & desires : ) & it felt like i was talking to a professor… but also to myself ? lol

    also, i don’t want to forget mentioning to him about listening to the way my 4 parts interact with each other & in particular i mentioned that my Man was very quiet, a lion, & that he sent me visions – & that makes sense, because men are more “visual” lol & it felt really freeing to “hear” my Man through pictures over the last few days instead of trying to coerce him to use language : )))

    also, i have a “family” picture of myself in my mind where the Man cares for the Girl; the Woman cares for the Boy; the Boy & Girl fight to balance & the Woman & Man love to balance : ) nice & peaceful & dynamic : )))

  25.  #25Starla on January 18, 2012 at 9:01 am

    Something very, very strange is going on. First the stalker guy contacted me. Then CF got on facebook to contact me (after levaing me a voice message last night) with new music for me to listen to. He hasn’t done that in months. Then My ex boyfriend “MyGuy” emailed me, saying he was sorry how things worked out and he wants to talk to me. Now CF is texting me, saying he hopes I have a good day. That’s 3 pings from CF in two hours.

    I’m feeling a little overwhelmed. In 5 days I’ve been asked out by 5 guys and contacted by even more than that. I don’t know what’s going on.

    I feel triggered with CF contacting me so much. It reminds me of other guys who weren’t very mature and wouldn’t give me space when I was just too busy to answer. But actually, in 6 months’ time he’s been very careful not to be overbearing, and I’ve actually longed for him to pine for me in this way. I always felt like I was out-pining him, and it made me feel so at the mercy of an imaginary relationship. It wasn’t an intense “at the mercy” feeling, but enough to keep me slightly off balance.

    So I’m not going to let the trigger paint CF as some sort of immature freak who can’t leave me alone.

    I’m going to say “oh gosh, Starla, look at how this guy yearns for you and wants to send you interesting music and offer you his affections.” And then I’ll say to myself “and it feels so good because I appreciate him and feel attracted to him more than any other man I’ve ever met.”

    But wow, so much male attention these days. I feel like a princess in a tower in silk robes, and they’re coming from far and wide to see me. I feel like puking. I don’t deserve this. I am ugly, my girl friends have even said so, and it’s just a freaking mystery.

  26.  #26Camille on January 18, 2012 at 9:04 am

    I wonder about you because your like this cute little bumblebee who flits around in the sun and gathers honey from Mr. A and your stories always feel bright yellow and sunny to me. So I wonder what you are doing sometimes.

  27.  #27Femininewoman on January 18, 2012 at 9:09 am

    Mel thanks for responding. You seem like such a different person now. So transformed.

  28.  #28Femininewoman on January 18, 2012 at 9:12 am

    Starla I know what you mean. I am kind of having the same experience and feeling the same way about men. What came to mind from your post though was that the universe was responding and sending you abundance. So I wondered what if you direct the same kind of mindset around money. I wonder if it would start coming towards you from unexpected places. I am focussing my mind on believing in magic in that area as the men are already coming in now.

  29.  #29Brenda on January 18, 2012 at 9:12 am


    RE: #19 – Thank you. More and more the way I see it is yes, I do have the power to change how Ryan sees me! Like Rori says, a man CAN’T develop attraction when I am constantly coming at him.

    The more I am able to lean back, the more I believe his attraction to me will (and is already!) rekindle.

    I have realized that it is not a matter of me not knowing Rori’s tools (altho I hope to continue learning all my life), it is more about me not being able to manage my huge cavern of loneliness that eats me up alive!

    So I am going to focus more of my attention right now on filling that.

    I do know that when I was first “hanging out” with Ryan, as he calls it, we spend MOST of our time cuddling! Just nonsexual cuddling along with pillow talk! LOL! Wow, did I love it!

    Because of our 15 year age difference, at first I didn’t realize he had a romantic interest in me. And that is what he told me!

    We would discuss finding our Soul Mates, and he would ask me what I’m looking for in a Soul Mate. And he would tell me what he is looking for.

    Then after a month or so, it became apparent that he was considering ME as his Soul Mate. It was at that moment that I stopped feeling comfortable.

    Then all my insecurities and vulnerability arose. I wanted to be perfect for him, and I was far from it. And that’s when everything started falling apart, because in my insecurity, I started contacting him all the time for reassurance.

    Anyway, what I started out saying is that when we were cuddling and talking, I never felt more secure, happy, accepted, loved, and fulfilled. Those were the most precious moments of my life, when I didn’t feel lonely at all.

    How I long for that back!

    So I am trying to figure out how to give myself that feeling of fulfillment outside of Ryan. I have cuddled with my dogs all my life. It helps tremendously, but it’s not the same. It just isn’t enough.

    So I feel stumped how to heal the loneliness without Ryan.

  30.  #30Mel on January 18, 2012 at 9:13 am

    LOL, thanks Camille! It feels so nice to read your kind words!

    And since you like hearing about my silly adventures with Mr. A, here’s another one:

    Last night we were watching an old movie “The Abyss.” and near the end, the main character has to save his wife. Mr. A says “I’d drag your dead, lifeless body back to the main submarine if I needed to Mel.” I giggled and said “Thanks Mr. A! Good to know that you’ve got my dead, lifeless back!” Then we both cracked-up. :p

    And another… After he was snuggling me for a bit, I said “Thanks for the snuggles, they felt great, but now I’m feeling kinda hot. Can’t snuggle forever!” he laughed and said “You should put that on your tombstone: Can’t snuggle forever!” I said “Yes, that’d be a perfect epitaph for me! and then we both cracked-up.

    We crack-up a lot… 🙂

  31.  #31Brenda on January 18, 2012 at 9:14 am


    RE: #7 – Thank you!!! It feels good to be supported so caringly by you all! I feel like I know you…have you changed your name?

  32.  #32Femininewoman on January 18, 2012 at 9:16 am

    Mel that sounds so much like being present and in the moment.

  33.  #33Mel on January 18, 2012 at 9:18 am

    Camille, I LOVE that you think of me as a honeybee! They are my favorite creature!

    FW… thanks so much for your kind words. I DO feel transformed. And it is because of the amazing help I’ve received from ladies like you on this blog. 🙂

  34.  #34Camille on January 18, 2012 at 9:19 am

    Thanks for the stories. I truly love your aura. You and Mr. A crack me up too…..look at all the laughter your spreading!

    I do support you and have enjoyed watching your growth on this blog. And No I havent changed my name, Ive always been and will always be….Camille!

  35.  #35Camille on January 18, 2012 at 9:22 am

    Mel, You feel like the cutest little bumble bee to me….really. And you have yellow all around you when I visualize you.

    and Im always intrigued by men who have an artistic side, and I love architecture and have such an appreciation for that skill.

  36.  #36Goodheart on January 18, 2012 at 9:27 am

    I would like to start Team Self-Esteem. And Team Appreciation.

    Both are things I want more of. They seem to ebb & flow in me. I desire more consistency with them so the Universe will send me them in even greater quantity. Most of the time I feel grounded & loving, but it seems I tend to be knocked out of whack fairly easily lately & I want to heal this. I will be going along – la de da – & then one little sentence (usually from my bf) can make me want to cry. And they are insignificant little things – really. I mean wtfudge?

    I don’t want him tiptoeing around me. We are both sensitive people, but me more so. I need to embrace my sensitivity, right? Because right now I resent it & as long as I do, it will cause me angst.

    So – if I appreciate everything about myself (and my bf) the Universe will keep sending me things to appreciate & my self-esteem will take care of itself.

    I am making progress – just putting it out there makes me feel better.

    Mel & Starla ~ LOVE your stories. It really brings me to the good feelings surrounding my relationship – the stepping up, cuteness, cracking each other up. I love this about us. I just tend to get really down on myself when I react in a sensitive way to something insignificant. I want my light, playful self back – fulltime.

    That’s all for now. Team Self-Esteem/Appreciation signing off 🙂

  37.  #37CurvySiren10 on January 18, 2012 at 9:29 am


    Thanks for the response. I can relate to you in many ways…mainly the weight issues. I have struggled with weight my entire life, and continue to even though I have lost over 100 lbs in the past 2 years. I struggle EVERY SINGLE DAY with keeping it off, and more than that…with not letting my body define me and sabotage my self-esteem. I am working very hard at healing this. It’s by far my biggest obstacle and has some part is every single ‘issue” I experience with men.

    Anyway, thank you for telling me more of your thoughts and history with R. I feel like many of the sirens here who SO want to help you see things from objective eyes, but with the fee,lings you have for him, that is just not possible.

    The loneliness and need for intimacy/touch can be overwhelming, I’m sure. It can be an obstacle in doing what we KNOW we NEED to do, which is to create the space that results in real (not friend) attraction. I have so much experience with this in recent months. I’d be happy to share with you anytime.

  38.  #38Starla on January 18, 2012 at 9:30 am

    Wow Sirens, I caught up on the recent comments now and goodness thank you for those nice compliments about me being a role model.

    I am a mentor, but to young women who want to be marijuana legalization activists. I do it through NORML.

  39.  #39Starla on January 18, 2012 at 9:31 am

    Goodheart, I love your Team ideas.

    I think it’s so cool that Team Lean Back turned into all these micro support groups

    I love you ladies

  40.  #40Starla on January 18, 2012 at 9:36 am


  41.  #41lk on January 18, 2012 at 9:46 am

    & the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me. after he said, well whatever plans you make i hope you’ll include me in them… then he said, lk, i will wipe the drool from your mother’s face & change diapers for your geriatric parents. & i could just say thank you but i still feel like crying when i think of it.

  42.  #42Camille on January 18, 2012 at 9:53 am

    OMG that is so sweet! That makes me all melty inside. Makes me think if someone really did that what an act of love…..Oh I love that he said that to you.

  43.  #43Camille on January 18, 2012 at 9:59 am

    I bless the abundance of men you are recieving…..keep allowing……keep allowing

    wall to wall men…… it

  44.  #44Goodheart on January 18, 2012 at 10:08 am

    What I appreciate about myself:

    I am friendly – always smiling at people
    Strangers always strike up conversations with me
    I genuinely care about people
    I take good care of me
    I am a total “animal whisperer”
    I am creative
    I believe in MAGIC
    I can make a great meal out of scraps
    I trip over absolutely nothing
    I am witty as all get out 🙂

  45.  #45Starla on January 18, 2012 at 10:10 am

    I think I know what the message is. Well one of the messages. It’s to not hold on to negative feelings around particular men.

    Take a look at the two facebook messages I got today, one from stalkerguy and one from my last boyfriend. I’m going to respond to both and basically say i forgive them, it’s all good.

    First message, from stalkerguy:

    Uhm, hi… do you remember me? You popped up as a mutual friend of ‘[mutual friend]’, and I really just wanted to say sorry for being a douche last time we talked. I blame the meds. Anyway, hope life is good these days; may the force be with you and such.

    And then I got a message from MyGuy:

    Hi Starla. How have you been? I hope things have been good with you, and that you’re not cringing TOO hard because I messaged you. Is there any way you would consider talking to me? I’ve called you a couple times and left you a message, but I’m not even sure if you have the same number. I’m really sorry about all the bad things that happened between us, especially the last time we crossed paths. I never wanted to act like that. I have more apologizing to do, and I would really like to talk to you. Do you have the same number?

    What do you ladies think? I’m just going to say I appreciate them thinking to apologize to me, and while I don’t want to stay in touch, as far as I’m concerned, I wish them all the happiness in the world.

    I think today is a day to heal something HUGE. The universe is barraging me with this stuff. I won’t ignore it. I love it.

  46.  #46lk on January 18, 2012 at 10:11 am

    aw man. feeling a little “addicted” now… & scared for a couple days without him… i can say that if i want tonight. & maybe just 1 more night of cuddles for lk ? lol but then it will be thursday & then the weekend again… humbug. & also i don’t want drama or pining. please stop, lk. thank you. i want to read my book : ) & cuddle myself : ))) yummy yay baby !!!! dreamy sweet

  47.  #47Femininewoman on January 18, 2012 at 10:12 am

    Goodheart – I am friendly – always smiling at people.

    That insipired me to share an experience this morning. I went to get some vegetable juice this morning in the health food store and guy who was getting wheatgrass struck up a conversation with me. I normally would be kind of short and curt but today I was open and warm and we fully engaged in a conversation and I felt relaxed doing it. I feel so happy that now my life is not just passing me by but that I am engaging in it and with people.

  48.  #48lk on January 18, 2012 at 10:20 am


    yummy you sound nice & warm : ) yum

  49.  #49lk on January 18, 2012 at 10:22 am


    wow that sounds powerful… something similar happened to me recently where literally ALL the men from my past jumped out from hiding & apologized & worshiped me & then went away again : ) it was really nice practice for sharing boundaries & feelings & being soft & warm : ))) yummy yayyyy : )))))))

  50.  #50Goodheart on January 18, 2012 at 10:24 am

    FW – I felt happy reading your veggie juice story. I am almost in disbelief in what a different person I am then just a few years ago. I went about my life in a little bubble – choosing to believe that there was nothing good out there – only hurt. My oh my how I’ve changed! I can see the affect my own happiness has on other people.

    It is like a magnet! A happy magnet attracting other happy people. Enticing others into happiness.

    Wow – thank you for reminding me how powerful I am. We are 🙂

  51.  #51Femininewoman on January 18, 2012 at 10:25 am

    Brenda I am also thinking of your situation in terms of Rose Cole’s interview with Rori this month. They talk in depth about “bliss blocking” and I can so see how you do that. You claim you desparately want to be a wife and to be loved. You know Rori’s tools well and what to do to create attraction. You have received so much support from the women here on the blog. Yet with all of that you seem to be committed to sabotaging yourself. I know it is something Rori have spoken about more than once. I am now seeing your clinging onto Ryan as your way of bliss blocking, even with him. If could just allow yourself the option of thinking that you can have what you want even if he is not in the picture. Take moments in day and think about that for several times during the day maybe that could be your babystepping away from him rather than do it cold turkey. You have to be committed to yourself enough. I would try doing that and ignoring his call if he does call during one of those moments when you choose to think of your bliss without him in it.

  52.  #52Brenda on January 18, 2012 at 10:26 am

  53.  #53siren song on January 18, 2012 at 10:28 am

    Oooh…I want on team self-esteem!

  54.  #54Femininewoman on January 18, 2012 at 10:29 am

    Starla if you think it is a day to heal something huge then don’t reject them. At least not your previous boyfriend. I believe you can learn something from being open to accepting apologizes. It might teach you how to apologize – to a man.

  55.  #55Femininewoman on January 18, 2012 at 10:31 am

    Starla I believe the space you gave the second guy has helped him to heal his own wounds – at least some of them.

  56.  #56Laughing Goddess on January 18, 2012 at 10:32 am


    I have seen your pictures and you are definitely not ugly!

    I haven’t even finished reading the posts, but I saw that and had to say something right away because it’s just not true.

    I understand feeling that way at times, though.

    I do believe, with men especially, that it’s what’s on the inside that counts anyway. And your insides are amazing! 🙂

    Tell those NV’s to hush up!

  57.  #57tenny on January 18, 2012 at 10:33 am

    Rori has a point. It feels right to not make a man wrong. It feels right to give him space to be and do as a man without my planning, suggesting, manipulating . . . I don’t do anything like that now, and IT FEELS GOOD. And I see a strong response from him as well. No fights, no attitudes, no bad feelings or sulking. I’m still learning, but I can say that I see that this approach works.

  58.  #58Laughing Goddess on January 18, 2012 at 10:33 am

    And what your friend said is more a reflection of her than of you.

    Who says something like that anyway?

  59.  #59Femininewoman on January 18, 2012 at 10:33 am

    Brenda I also believe that the fact that you have shared your story, it’s strangle hold on you has loosened somewhat. Our secrets sometimes retard our growth. When we put our stuff out in the Universe we can see it marshalling people, resources and forces to help us on our journey.

  60.  #60Starla on January 18, 2012 at 10:34 am

    oh gosh, now CF is texting me to ask me to go to a concert with him. It’s been a while since he’s made concrete plans. Half the time he shows up and is like “i dunno what we should do” on our dates. It’s great practice in leaning back, though! Soooo challenging!

    I feel excited that he thought of me because it’s a project of one of my fav. musicians. But it’s on a “school night” so i feel unsure about going out so late.

    So I told him just that. And I asked him what he thinks.

    Oooh I just love actual concrete plans to look forward to. I hope my not being able to make it to this one won’t stop him from keeping it up.

    Oooh maybe I could tell him that too!

  61.  #61Starla on January 18, 2012 at 10:37 am

    FW 54, my ex bf is toxic and he’s only coming around to pursue me, which I do not want. i was toxic too and i apologized when i wouldn’t take him back. the answer to him is and always will be “no”. I’ve told him many times, including the last time i ran into him and he told me he hates me (after first not recognizing me because i was in costume, and hitting on me). I know he’s sorry, I am too, but I don’t want to be in touch.

  62.  #62Femininewoman on January 18, 2012 at 10:39 am

    Understood Starla. Toxic can be the situation also not necessarily the person. With both of you being toxic I imagine that the dynamics between you would be.

  63.  #63Camille on January 18, 2012 at 10:41 am

    What an odd circumstance (costume situation).
    You sound strong on your boundaries. I applaud that.

    I feel this is a big day of healing for you! Your energy and the energy around you today seems like a windstorm. Go with it Starla

  64.  #64lk on January 18, 2012 at 10:42 am

    wow i just got a thought, ” I h8te X ” & it was scary because i don’t want to hate her ! but she is so mean sometimes to me. like one time she had a big chocolate cake & she gave some to everyone & there was this really sad moment where i was in her office (i’m in & out of her space regularly) & she saw me looking at the cake & we made eye contact & i got excited like a puppy & then she just didn’t offer me any. & all day there was cake everywhere.

    i just had a new thought about that, though… maybe she assumed she already offered or gave me some ? surely, she wasn’t tracking every single piece of cake ? that’s a MUCH nicer thought.

    she sent out an email today to a bunch of women in the office, pointing out that the email someone had forwarded to a bunch of us is “false” LOL part of me is like, that dumb bxtch. who cares ?

    maybe it sets off a trigger for her & she is angry about someone fictionalizing a “real” experience for her. i’ve felt that anger.

    this feels better already.

    & her best friend ? i think she’s sad & scared. i can’t be afraid of her & feeling angry or mean at her feels naughty & guilty & like taking clothes off cinderella. mean.

    what about those mean girls on the bus ? blonde & uggs & eyeliner, they go, “where should we sit ? ” & i’m there with my red kiddie boots, no makeup, mustard sweater in the front of the bus with my legs up & the girl says, “losers sit in the front” & they all giggle & look at me & then the girl says, “betches sit at the back” & they all go back…

    hm, i guess it would feel hard to believe there was a “cool” place to sit lol & i sympathize with that belief… hmmmm & i “forgive” the girls for any discomfort that i caused myself by sharing that belief momentarily : ) yum that’s nice lk i like that

    this is the month for me to heal my fear of women & any “jealousy” that comes of that

    what else is “jealousy” to me ? or what can that feeling look like ?

  65.  #65Starla on January 18, 2012 at 10:42 am

    Yeah it’s definitely both of us. He brings out the worst in me. Now that I’m dating guys that bring out the best in me, I’ll never settle for less! Not even just coffee! Not even just friends, when they want to be more than friends.

  66.  #66Brenda on January 18, 2012 at 10:44 am


    RE: #51 – Thank you. I will think about that. I know now it’s all tied in to my fear of intimacy. I thought I had moved beyond that long ago.

    I love that video from Pink. She and the women in the air dance are virtually naked, yet I see it as nude art, live. That music video is all about intimacy.

  67.  #67Femininewoman on January 18, 2012 at 10:46 am

    Brenda I have to share this. There is a cd who is totally open and have shared a lot of intimate details about himself. He just texted me “Hi sexy”. I was triggered. I closed my eyes and sank into my body to see what I was feeling. The only thing I came up with was fear. I find it interesting because I am comfortable saying “I’m sexy and I know it”. He shared with him about closing my eyes and he asked me what was the feeling and I told him fear.

    I flirt all the time and say this all the time but the fear is based, I believe, in the fact that this man is showing himself as the kind of man who can do relationship and want to do relationship forever. It is this type of thing that is making me aware of my fear of intimacy, and am now consciously facing the fear. He is helping me to get over the fear.

  68.  #68Brenda on January 18, 2012 at 10:46 am


    RE: #59 – You said, “Brenda I also believe that the fact that you have shared your story, it’s strangle hold on you has loosened somewhat. Our secrets sometimes retard our growth. When we put our stuff out in the Universe we can see it marshalling people, resources and forces to help us on our journey.”

    Oh, I like that! Thank you! I receive that! I release all that pain and all those mistakes…that cost me years.

  69.  #69Brenda on January 18, 2012 at 10:49 am


    RE: #67 – “I flirt all the time and say this all the time but the fear is based, I believe, in the fact that this man is showing himself as the kind of man who can do relationship and want to do relationship forever.”

    Right, that is the same about Ryan. That’s why this is cuming up. It feels so close to all that I want and have wanted my entire life.


    Hey, anyone want to join Team Stop Fear?! 🙂

  70.  #70Starla on January 18, 2012 at 10:49 am

    wow, i just turned down a fun date with CF, because it’ll keep me out too late and I need to take good care of myself and get more sleep and have time on weeknights to eat good and care for myself and keep my house clean and relax. I can’t believe it! I am so brave! I am so the prize!!

    wow the shift today feels amazing.

    I am PMSing really hard, and I think this might be the first “constructive” PMS I’ve ever had. I’ve been hoping for one of these PMS times. Usually it’s just triggers and no solution except to sink in.

    I feel so good and clear.

  71.  #71Camille on January 18, 2012 at 10:56 am

    Feminine Woman,
    That is such a beautiful example of how a man can see us as we are, and we get triggered by it. Thanks for showing us to feel our feelings. How wonderful that you can share that with him.

  72.  #72Brenda on January 18, 2012 at 10:57 am

    And I thought Ryan was the one with fear of intimacy issues!


  73.  #73Camille on January 18, 2012 at 10:58 am

    I must not fear.
    Fear is the mind-killer.
    Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
    I will face my fear.
    I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
    And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
    Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
    Only I will remain.
    Frank Herbert

  74.  #74Camille on January 18, 2012 at 10:59 am

    Such self awareness for you today…
    Its exciting for me to hear you

  75.  #75lk on January 18, 2012 at 10:59 am

    yummy so turned on by CD’s email about how he’s fixing the pipe & the heat & he shared music with me too “for a fellow Weirdo” lol yum! yay & i don’t want to respond to him right now lol… i feel resistant to closeness at this particular moment because i know that then there is time in between visits. & i don’t really want that with someone i feel love toward. i don’t want gaps & unknown spaces between closeness. i want reliability & “home” feeling. i want my partner to be the number 1 thing in the world that i “want” over my human “wants” for oxygen, water, food… shhhh lk we’re not thinking about desires yet. we’re still on jealousy baby. slow & easy : ) you’re ok : )

  76.  #76Femininewoman on January 18, 2012 at 10:59 am

    RE 69 I want to join that team. I am feeling so triggered right now. It feels like tightness around my chest. The it feels like hot puke slowly winding its way up to my throat. Then I feel panic with all my energy rushing to my brain. Now I feel teary-eyed as I touch my forehead and notice the feeling starting to subside.

    Before I would just go and stuff something down my throat to avoid the feeling.

  77.  #77Camille on January 18, 2012 at 11:01 am

    On CDing……Try a thing you haven’t done three times. Once, to get over the fear of doing it. Twice, to learn how to do it. And a third time to figure out whether you like it or not.

    This helps me when I have fear around something

  78.  #78Laughing Goddess on January 18, 2012 at 11:05 am

    Camille 77

    I’ve never heard that before. I really like it! Thanks for sharing.

  79.  #79Femininewoman on January 18, 2012 at 11:07 am

    I am noticing how the fear grips my throat. Then turns into a burning up my nose.

  80.  #80Ella on January 18, 2012 at 11:08 am

    Well Sirens,

    Seems I have a do-over type situation on my hands.

    Its one that keeps coming up for me, although I would say this time it is less intense?

    Those of you who have known me a while will remember when I was with Mr Barman, who it turned out had a rather big dru8g problem (not sure if that word is still in moderation hence the ‘8’).

    And it was really, really triggering for me and a little bit dramatic, and in the end I broke it off in quite a dramatic way.

    Well, it would seem that male work colleague also has issues.

    Whereas with Mr Barman I would call/label him an addict, personally I don’t think I would give that label to male work colleague, although for me it is still an issue.

    So this time I want to handle it better.

    I want to explore this purely in terms of how it relates to me, and then ultimately I guess come to a decision about whether it is something I want around me.

    I can say it doesn’t feel good.

    But it keeps coming up for me so there is definitely stuff I need to heal.

    I keep pulling in these men with this issue.

    I don’t want to go into too much detail about the issue itself as last time on the blog I felt very unsafe when I did this.

    What I do want to do is work out how I can address this in the most healing, gentle way.

    And why I keep pulling it in.

    Admitedly, I still feel a little unclear how I feel about the issue as a whole, so maybe that is why.

  81.  #81Starla on January 18, 2012 at 11:10 am

    Team stop procrastinating

    Well, I said I was gonna stop posting here during work day, but I guess I am full of it;)

    I am going to focus on this work task and nothing else, except changing the music, for the next 30 minutes. It feels bad letting all this thinking about men get in the way of my work day.

    And yeah, sometimes 30 minutes is a huge feat for me.

    Be back to report 🙂

  82.  #82Laughing Goddess on January 18, 2012 at 11:14 am


    Are you feeling unattracted? scared?

    If it’s fear, it makes me think of what Camille said about trying something you fear three times.

    Sounds like you have dated men with dependency issues a few times.

    I wonder if you could apply this to the situation?

    “Try a thing you haven’t done three times. Once, to get over the fear of doing it. Twice, to learn how to do it. And a third time to figure out whether you like it or not.”

    Maybe this is coming around again so you can decide if you like it or not?

  83.  #83Ella on January 18, 2012 at 11:15 am

    So basically, what I am hoping to do here for me, this time, is to explore how all this relates to me.

    I would like to explore how I can bring this up, and communicate about this with a man in the most gentle, loving and non blaming way, and still honor myself.

    I want to work out how I really feel about this issue and what my boundaries are.

    I want to look at why this is so triggering for me.

    And all the while I would like to look out for my tender heart and be careful not to place myself in situations that will cause me too much negative pain.

    This time I want to throw out the window any ideas about getting him to change his behaviour, or any ideas about ‘helping’ him. And it would be nice to take away some of the intense charge I tend to feel around this issue.

    I would like to look at it keeping the focus purely on me and how I feel.

    Whilst practicing communicating openly and authentically, even though I feel afraid.

    I don’t really know where to start.

    Maybe I will start with how it made me feel, and also how I wished I had approached the issue a little differently last time.

  84.  #84Laughing Goddess on January 18, 2012 at 11:28 am

    Starla: I feel a little embarrassed to admit this. I just FB stalked you because I was feeling disturbed and curious by your ugly comment and omg, I find you to be beautiful. I love your shiny, bright smile.

    I feel really triggered when I hear people say they are ugly…probably because I say that to myself sometimes as well.

    I don’t wanna do that anymore!

    I love my gorgeous, radiant self.

    I feel a little weird saying that because I notice that I don’t want to get attached to my looks. As I age, and see other people around me age, I see that looks change.

    Hmmm, this is triggering something in me.

  85.  #85Ella on January 18, 2012 at 11:29 am

    Ok, so.

    Basically. When I see things that feel extreme to me in relation to this how do I feel?

    Well I feel like tightening up in throat and whole body actually.

    I feel nervous and anxious and afraid.

    Overpowering fear and urgency.

    Why? What could it be??

    Well I reckon there are a few things.

    1. That I will become involved, feel something, give my heart and then he will not be able to love and take care of me. The substance will take over.

    Ultimately I will be left unloved with no attention.

    (And then I may have to leave, and that will hurt).

    2. That he will become really sick, and I will have to watch him die, like I did with my Dad. Big trigger for me.

    3. I feel turned off and ashamed.

    What will other people think… and the physical stuff that happens feels off putting to me.

    But, I feel bad, like a hypercrite, as I am not totally anti…

    So the first 2, and most powerful, are all about ending up with no love. About not being loved and cared for and getting attention.

    So that is the actual fear, not the habit itself.

    Oh, and there is a 4.

    One which makes me feel really angry, and weird and upset and all kinds of dark feelings I can’t describe.

    And that is about the dishonesty. Or perceived dishonesty.

    I feel afraid of being lied to.

    And that feels like enragement to my soul.

    I feel mistrustful.

    Because I have been in that situation before, where my soul is telling me what is happening is not reality… and it feels like getting further and further away from myself.

    And that feels enraging and terrifying and NOOOOO!!!!!

    I think I could probably deal with a lot of this calmly, without this element.

    If I say yes to stuff that feel untrue then I am decieving myself, and I simply can’t/won’t do that anymore.

    For me honesty builds relationships, builds intimacy, and therefore dishonesty breaks it and causes disconnect, which feels like pain, lonliness and fear.

    Feels like being unable to cope.

    Worst case scenario being destroyed.

    I feel afraid of polarisation, ie by me bringing it up, it seems like I disapprove, which invites dishonesty to the man who wants to be with me.

    I feel furious about dishonesty and scared of knowing what is true and real and what isn’t.

  86.  #86mali on January 18, 2012 at 11:29 am

    @497- Silver Moonbeam (from previous thread)

    Hee hee! Yah, I can imagine how much of a let down that must have been… let’s see… and thankyou for these suggestions =)

    Lizka: Thankyou! I’m very intrigued… I’ll take a look and see how I feel!

  87.  #87Ella on January 18, 2012 at 11:34 am

    So what would I want to do???

    Would I still want to date someone who had these issues?

    I don’t know.

    I feel very wary.

    I want to protect my heart.

    I am still CD-ing so that gives some protection.

    But do I really want to go here at all? Is there any point? If its not really what I want, and I have to assume it won’t change.

    I certainly don’t want to ask anyone to change.

    So is it for me?

    Probably not.

    I feel unsure.

    On the other hand someone who is too straight is not for me either.

    But I don’t want extremes.

    I don’t want scary, sickness feeling stuff.

    Even though/when the man makes me feel really good.

    And is so kind.

    I feel confused.

    Can I talk about this with him?



    In a slow, gentle way?

    Non judgemental…

    I don’t know.

    I would like to be able to bring this up.

    It would feel great to discuss this in a non heated, gentle kind of way.

  88.  #88lk on January 18, 2012 at 11:35 am

    keep finding myself Strategizing about getting what i want.

    no, i don’t want to do that.

    i want to observe the tide come up & wet the sand & nourish the earth. i’m not thirsty. i don’t want to try to pin water down or catch it. i have deep aquifers.

  89.  #89Jilly on January 18, 2012 at 11:40 am

    FW…hot puke? 🙂 ewww….that’s a new one

  90.  #90lk on January 18, 2012 at 11:40 am


    wow that does sound interesting & worth opening up a discussion….

    could you maybe just start super slow & easy, just saying, “oh… : ) …. hmmm … actually i was just noticing my feelings about you Doing Whatever…. what do you think?” super easy, super slow, no agenda

    & then if he asks you can say oh…hmm….yes : ) i do have a lot of feelings about that… including fear & also things tied to the past that make it feel complicated to just consider You & This Situation…. hmm…. & you can say, actually, i think i’d prefer to continue this discussion another time… i’m not sure how i’m feeling : )

    all easy, peaceful : )

  91.  #91mali on January 18, 2012 at 11:41 am

    Also, @Turquoise (from the previous thread):

    THANKYOU- I felt so supported and empowered reading that! <3

    I think Mali has her mojo back… I just spoke to my male friend, and he told me how cocky and full of himself this MedCD sounded from his first message, and that though he may not be a jerk, I deserve better, and to move on, because there are plenty of guys out there =)


  92.  #92Jilly on January 18, 2012 at 11:41 am

    uggg…I am on Team Lean Back today for sure!!! Why does it feel so hard???

  93.  #93Jilly on January 18, 2012 at 11:41 am

    uggg…I am on Team Lean Back today for sure!!! Why does it feel so hard???

  94.  #94Jilly on January 18, 2012 at 11:42 am

    yay Mali…nothing better than having your mojo back!! 🙂

  95.  #95Jilly on January 18, 2012 at 11:45 am

    ok…these are two stories that I have…

    1. Military Man didn’t enjoy the date and he’s never going to call me again

    2. Military Man really enjoyed our date and he is just playing it cool because he doesn’t want to scare me off

    Why is it so hard to believe story #2. when I really like a guy??

    First of all I already know I’m thinking about this WAY too much…but that’s why this blog is here…so I don’t over function anywhere else and to get support and feedback and interact with women who “get” it….

  96.  #96Jilly on January 18, 2012 at 11:51 am

    maybe I can plan warm, authentic things to say in the meantime lol

    k cuteskierguy just texted…I like that…we have amazing sex…but I’m not going to have sex with him anymore…that’s probably the closest I’ve come to being a “rockstar” about it…I love that I can speak so freely here with no judgement 🙂

  97.  #97lk on January 18, 2012 at 11:52 am


    what about

    i really enjoyed the date with Military Man & I want more men who do X & X like that. that feels good : )

  98.  #98Ella on January 18, 2012 at 11:52 am

    lk re 90


    I can say a lot of that.

    Not sure if I would want to say that I want to stop talking about it, as actually I do want to talk about it.

    But yes maybe babysteps.

    Babysteps with discussion.

    I also want to appreciate him for the nice things he has been doing before launching into stuff I feel weird/upset about.

  99.  #99lk on January 18, 2012 at 11:57 am


    mmm yes i love to have slow communication with lots of space for understanding…. & i love to feel weird or upset without it feeling weird or upsetting to the person i’m speaking to. that feels amazing & loving : )

  100.  #100lk on January 18, 2012 at 12:07 pm

    another thing that is nice. bringing up problems that i’ve heard about in other relationships or that CD has heard about in other relationships & debating them in a playful, respectful way to hash out differences in a removed context.

  101.  #101Silver Moonbeam on January 18, 2012 at 12:08 pm

    From the previous thread, wow this site moves fast sometimes!!

    #345/581/582 Starla

    I just wanted to say that although I am only just getting around to commenting on your posts that they moved and touched me profoundly and I keep thinking of your words.

    You are a perfect, shining example of how somebody can claw themselves out of the depths and soar to the heavens by their own gumption and focus.

    Have you ever considered giving talks to young girls in schools in poor areas or in homeless shelters or refuges?

    People often need a role model when they are in bad situations and you my dear, are the perfect role model. I think you are truly amazing.

  102.  #102Ella on January 18, 2012 at 12:08 pm

    “Well, I was feeling a little weird earlier”

    Why is that?

    “Oh, yes I have been noticing my feelings about the whole ….. thing”


    “Well, it all feels quite complicated for me, and difficult to talk about. I feel unsure. There are a lot of triggers there for me”

    What do you mean?

    “Well maybe we can have a conversation about it another time”


    Another time:

    “Well I just feel unsure whether a man who did tha regularly would really be able to take care of me longterm.”

    “I feel afraid of being unloved or not paid attention to because of it”

    “I feel afraid of losing that person to sickness. This feels unbearably sad to me”


    Later still:

    “I feel super afraid of dishonesty. I feel afraid of caring about someone and being told stuff which feels untrue to me”

    Pause for response.

    “That feels like a massive disconnect from myself and my own soul/truth. And that just feels too bad and unsafe”.

    Stuff I could say.


  103.  #103Laughing Goddess on January 18, 2012 at 12:08 pm

    89 Jilly

    haha! yes, that is quite descriptive.

    Nice to see you here, Jilly!

  104.  #104Laughing Goddess on January 18, 2012 at 12:12 pm

    Dr. Wayne W. Dyer
    Take a few moments each day to be in a state of appreciation for the immediate surroundings that you call home, regardless of how grand or humble they might be. Give thanks to those who provide this home, to those who share it with you, and for the blessing of a shelter. In turn, do whatever you can to assist those in our world who do not have a home whether it be a service financially, spiritually, or physically.

  105.  #105Laughing Goddess on January 18, 2012 at 12:14 pm

    Ella 102

    Excellent feeling message, imho

  106.  #106lk on January 18, 2012 at 12:15 pm

    also, i want to remember & not forget as the pearl in the center of my shrine to non-jealousy… cd whispering that he had been praying to find me. that is the gem & i want to keep it safe & cherished.

    i have emeralds in my eyes ? i feel suspicious. i feel darkened by those words like they are lies.

    i wonder what is true… hmmm…. i wonder if there are emeralds in my eyes ? LOL i wonder if i feel resistant to Emeralds because i gave them away symbolically in childhood. i remember giving them away… why did i push them out & where are they now & what are they for ? are they really mine ? i bet i couldn’t have given them away… hmmm…. emeralds ???? maybe they are jade. no. but they are green… hm… maybe they are emerald, jade, peridot. they change colors he says… yummy maybe they are moonstones & HE has emeralds in his eyes & he sees me reflecting him in iridescent waves… : ) yum i like this more & more….

  107.  #107Starla on January 18, 2012 at 12:17 pm

    I did it:) 30 minutes:) it took me a while to do it but I did:)

    CF is romancing me through text messages. Trying to get my time. It feels good. I am the prize. I’m feeling more freedom to see him on my terms and my schedule and when it feels good to me, and not like this crack addicted need to see him, or fear he’ll stop pursuing “the right way” if i don’t “encourage” his gestures and invitations by saying yes to them every single time.

  108.  #108Starla on January 18, 2012 at 12:20 pm

    they are lkstones, the most precious and rare gem of them all

  109.  #109lk on January 18, 2012 at 12:29 pm

    ((((Starla)))) yummy thank you : )

  110.  #110Laughing Goddess on January 18, 2012 at 12:30 pm

    Louise L. Hay
    Many times today and many, many times tomorrow and each and every day of your life, remind yourself of the treasures that are always within you—and just a breath away.

  111.  #111Laughing Goddess on January 18, 2012 at 12:31 pm

    Reporting to TSP

    I’m going to get off the computer for a bit and do some self-care. Just getting up and moving around is always good for me.

  112.  #112Starla on January 18, 2012 at 12:35 pm

    I just paid off my highest interest credit card with cash 😀

  113.  #113Jilly on January 18, 2012 at 12:45 pm

    lk..I love that!! :)yes… more please! 🙂

    LG…so good to see you too!! 🙂

    Starla…wahoo…i love paying off credit cards 🙂

  114.  #114Laughing Goddess on January 18, 2012 at 12:47 pm

    Erg, I’m still procrastinating.

    I feel craving of human contact.

    I don’t want to face the details of my life.

    Hmmm, how can I shift this energy?

    Feeling stuck.

  115.  #115lilybelly on January 18, 2012 at 12:47 pm

    I am dealing with rubberbanding right now and am feeling sad. I KNOW why they do it and that often the rewards are great BUT I am struggling with taking care of myself right now. I mean, feeling good about where things are and all of that. I am taking care of myself, of course, but you know what I mean. Of course, PMSing = not helping the situation at all.

    I am starting acoustic guitar lessons tomorrow after work. That’s something that has been on my list for awhile so that feels happy.


  116.  #116FlowerChild77 on January 18, 2012 at 12:50 pm

    I’m reading about these support/encouragement teams and I’ve noticed something….

    Team Leanback is positive–you are FOR leaning back.

    Team Stop Procrastinating/Stop Fear–is focused on what you DON’T want.

    Putting this into the context of the Teachings of Abraham, the focus of the latter two is on the wrong thing. Even Mother Theresa said (this is paraphrased) that we will never stop war by being ‘anti-war’—we have to be FOR peace. (As the LOA brings forth whatever we focus on the most…give the most energy to….)

    This is also relevant with children. They respond well to a reminder of, “Walking in the house!” rather than “No running!” or “Please use your inside voices” vs. “No yelling!”

    This is just something that I’ve put into practice (in my mind) and I feel much closer to my goals when I frame them in the positive vs. the negative.

    Does this make any sense? <3

    P.S. I also try to remember that FEAR can be thought of as:

    This one is "old", I know…but it helps me sometimes.

  117.  #117Starla on January 18, 2012 at 12:51 pm

    LG 114
    I always go through that initial “actually, i’m still procrastinating” when i set my intent to go do something specific. Just have faith that in a minute, you’ll get up and go do it anyway.

    Put some nice music on:) Music can be great company when you are craving human interaction.

    And anyway, we’re just pixels on a screen. It’s the meaning you ascribe to us that constitutes human contact.

    Hope I’m not coming off as overbearing, just sharing my perspective in hopes it will bring you some peace:)

  118.  #118Laughing Goddess on January 18, 2012 at 12:51 pm

    I wonder if I put on something fun to listen to, turned on some lights so it was felt more cheery in here, and just started beautifying my space, I would probably feel less stuck.

    Oh ya, I also feel hungry. When I typed that, my tummy growled in agreement as if to say, yes, I am hungry. Please feed me.

    But sweetie normally makes breakfast and he is off to a slower start than normal. What if I made breakfast this morning and surprised him?

    Oh wow, I just looked at the time. It’s almost 1:00.

    Now wonder I feel so stuck. I missed breakfast and lunch.


    I feel disappointed in myself for not noticing.

    Hugs, I love you, LG.

    Lets go get some food for you.

  119.  #119lk on January 18, 2012 at 12:53 pm


    wow i feel really impressed & inspired : )))))) YAY i hope you do buy yourself some Cowgirl Siren Boots : )

    i wish i had fxcebook so i could stalk your pretty face like LG : ))))

  120.  #120Laughing Goddess on January 18, 2012 at 12:55 pm

    Flowerchild 116
    Great points! Thank you.

    Starla 117
    That didn’t feel overbearing. It felt helpful. Thanks!

    Ok, off to just eat something already

  121.  #121Starla on January 18, 2012 at 12:58 pm

    FlowerChild – Team Stop Procrastinating is just a name. We could change it if you like.

    When I think “Stop procrastinating,” there is a whole part unsaid following it: stop procrastinating….so that you can feel good about taking care of yourself and your life.

    Team Feel Good About Taking Care of Yourself and Your Life doesn’t quite roll off the tongue the same.

    What was LG’s suggestion for a name?

    You’re the second person to point out that “stop procrastinating” might feel bad. Should we change the name?

    It’s all the same to me.

    As a linguist I put great stock into the nature of words, but at the same time, I feel capable of saying “it’s just semantics,” so it’s all the same to me:)

  122.  #122FlowerChild77 on January 18, 2012 at 12:59 pm

    lilybelly…I really understand how you’re feeling about the “rubberbanding” that men do. I would feel so much more able to deal with it if it were just waiting a few days to see each other…..but it’s always weeks (and this time over a month!) That’s way too long for me to go without being touched or hugged.

    We talk on the phone every day, but it’s never anything deep or meaningful (although he does tell me he loves me each time.)

    By the time we do see each other (and it’s always when HE decides) I feel so disconnected and blown off that it’s hard for me to feel close and/or want to have sex. (My body/spirit are always ready to have sex 😉 —but my mind and emotions feel “played with” and manipulated.)

    The guitar lessons sound exciting! I’m taking a drawing class. I’ve always wanted to be able to sketch and draw.

  123.  #123siren song on January 18, 2012 at 1:02 pm

    @115 lilybelly,

    good for you for taking guitar lessons. i am really focused on music myself right now. i take three lessons a week. it’s a wonderful way to focus on me and my own abilities.

    it helped me get off some serious mancrack about a year ago.

  124.  #124Starla on January 18, 2012 at 1:02 pm

    yay LG eating something is the best start, methinks:)

  125.  #125Femininewoman on January 18, 2012 at 1:13 pm

    Lilybelly I was just thinking of your earlier wondering how you were doing. Stay on your Bridge.

    FlowerChild thanks for your reminder. I am walking out of that dark tunnel.

  126.  #126Femininewoman on January 18, 2012 at 1:14 pm

    Lilybelly I was just thinking of your earlier wondering how you were doing. Stay on your Bridge.

    FlowerChild thanks for your reminder. I am walking out of that dark tunnel.

  127.  #127Femininewoman on January 18, 2012 at 1:17 pm

    Remember the secret is in being warm, open and an invitation when they come out of the cave. No mentioning about the disappearance. In Reconnect Rori suggests saying something like “the space gave me the opportunity to see if you are what I want in my life”.

  128.  #128FlowerChild77 on January 18, 2012 at 1:17 pm

    Ok…so I just read Rori’s post again. I really TRY to open my heart and feel all soft and gooey when I finally get to see him (and see? Isn’t it supposed to be about him “getting” to see ME?)

    She says if we ‘play’ or pretend to feel something we don’t, then we are not being authentic. If I AM authentic (feeling like he really doesn’t miss me or need me) then it’s about him doing/not doing something I NEED in a relationship in order to feel truly loved.

    I’ve even been busy with other things when he does want to get together–but it doesn’t seem to matter. He really IS ok without me—just knowing I’m “still there.” YET–he wants me to move back with him and marry him.

    I’m so mixed up right now. Part of me is saying that he’ll never want what I want—-and the other part is telling me that he’s a good guy and I should just be happy with that and that I’m silly for wanting sex more than 3-4 times a year and for wanting a guy who would actually WANT to hang out with me, go to the store sometimes, be alone with me, etc.

    Am I silly to want all that when I ‘have’ commitment?

    Talk to me Sirens….he said he’ll come see me tomorrow….”maybe.” I’m close to tears and feeling like there’s probably some other reason he’ll be around where I live so why not “kill two birds with one stone?” (Which is OFTEN the case.)

    I don’t want to ruin everything by not being all gooey and happy and melty when/IF he comes….but after this long, I just don’t know if I can manufacture any of those nice things. And then, of course, he won’t feel attracted to me or feel like he can make me happy or want to be with me or……

    I’m starting to lose hope that I can keep denying my true feelings so that he won’t feel ‘wrong’ for only needing me once in a great while or when he’s in town for something else. (He hasn’t invited me over in a very long time.)

    I don’t feel special….is that wrong? Really….? Wanting sex and/or affection more than “quarterly” is me being NEEDY? REALLY? 🙁

  129.  #129Laughing Goddess on January 18, 2012 at 1:21 pm

    I just ate a healthy snack and now I feel inspired to get up and make something more substantial and do some self-care.

    I feel shocked by how easy it is for me to tune out my body’s hunger signals.

    I’m also noticing that I depend on sweetie a lot for providing food for me. I just do my thing and food and drinks just literally show up in front of me.

    While this feels wonderful, I also feel a bit disempowered, like I have given my self-care over to him.

    And he isn’t feeling well, he has a bad case of poison oak, so he hasn’t been doing as much as he normally does which is making me more aware of what he does do.

    I intend to find some balance. I feel uncomfortable being so dependent on him.

  130.  #130lilybelly on January 18, 2012 at 1:23 pm


    Thanks, FW. I know he will come out of the cave and that I need to be open, warm..etc…I’ve read also, to not even mention it but just to be the me that he knows.

    It sure is hard on a girl when they do this and I know the answer is to CD and I am seriously thinking about turning my profile back on.

    He is putting undue pressure on himself thinking that he “should” be making a commitment so at least I know what it is about. He could come back and say no, thank you…you’re not the one for me….or not.

    He feels that he has moved too fast and he isn’t sure he’s ready for a commitment.

  131.  #131Femininewoman on January 18, 2012 at 1:27 pm


    That was where I was with my favorite and the reason I started cdating. The difference is I did not have a ring.

  132.  #132lilybelly on January 18, 2012 at 1:28 pm



    Drawing lessons sound fun. I can’t even draw a stick man. 😉

  133.  #133Laughing Goddess on January 18, 2012 at 1:29 pm

    This is interesting.

    I’ve been leaning back so much with him and letting him lead with the food thing because that is a passion of his.

    He loves making food for loved ones and he is very good at it.

    Yet, by leaning back and letting him lead, I am feeling powerless and lost when he isn’t able to step up as much due to sickness.

    This feels scary.

    but not that much.

    I feel confident that I can find a healthy balance around this.

    I can allow a healthier situation into my life.

  134.  #134lilybelly on January 18, 2012 at 1:29 pm


    Siren Song

    I’m pretty excited about this. I’ve been staring at the guitar for almost a year after I failed at teaching myself.

    Getting me off of man crack is another excellent reward.

  135.  #135Femininewoman on January 18, 2012 at 1:30 pm

    Lilybelly that sounds healthy to me. He is dealing with his doubts. Better now than later. If he does come out sure, on the other side, he will definitely be stepping up. It is waiting that causes us to feel crummy and they feel the waiting as pressure. However, you have to trust that he knows what is best for him.

  136.  #136lilybelly on January 18, 2012 at 1:34 pm


    Oh, I agree FW, this is a very smart man. And it is a very healthy thing to do and I appreciate that he is doing this.

    It is also giving me the time to think about what I desire and if he has been/is giving it to me. And that answer is yes…I have felt very appreciated and well taken care of and it has felt so wonderful.

    He is not getting any pressure from me…I’m in lean back mode. Talking here about it rather than leaning forward and texting/calling.

  137.  #137siren song on January 18, 2012 at 1:36 pm


    yeah, lessons are awesome. i played for years without instruction and was even performing for money with no lessons. but my teachers give me all sorts of help i can’t give myself. for example, i’ve been holding my elbow of my fretting hand out from my body…for years….which threw my wrist out of position. at my first lesson, my teacher pointed it out and my playing has been a lot my relaxed since. also practicing in front of a mirror….another good tip.

    good luck and have fun!!!

  138.  #138siren song on January 18, 2012 at 1:37 pm

    *alot MORE relaxed

  139.  #139Laughing Goddess on January 18, 2012 at 1:37 pm

    FC 127

    To me, it seems like you have to decide what your ideal relationship looks like.

    It sounds like he has a certain way of showing love, as you will read about in Love Languages.

    And you may have a different way of feeling loved.

    So it’s up to you to decide if you want to accept and appreciate the ways that he shows it or if it’s simply not what you are wanting and you know that you will never feel satisfied.

    There’s no right or wrong answer there, just an inner knowing.

    If you do decide that you can’t live with his primary love language, Acts of Service, then you don’t have to totally cut him out, but definitely put him on the back of your horse as you ride out into cd-ing land.

    If you decide that you can accept his love language, then I would say you’ve gotta train yourself to appreciate the ways he does show love and drop the disappointment.

    Love you! I feel worried that my voice sounds a little pushy today. I don’t intend that. I’m just in a bit of a weird space. Still recovering from letting my blood sugar get too low.

  140.  #140lk on January 18, 2012 at 1:38 pm

    aww he invited me to a concert on sunday so i don’t even have to strategize or feel curious & estimate or count days!

    EEK & i wrote back saying, “yes, but only if you will hold my hand ?” since i have been so mean & grinchy about hand-holding lol but now i like it : )))

    & even before i wrote that he emailed sweetness again, “I’m excited to see you as well and I would like for nothing more than to spend time with you…. again. lol : )) Thank you for the positive energy. I will send some good vibes your way in binary form: 0011010100101010101010101011010.”

    GAH #geekout & mirroring my “……again. lol : ))” yay : ) i feel flooded

    yummy & he sent x’s & o’s … no men i’ve dated seriously have sent me silly computer hugs & kisses… & i guess i have a belief about them being emasculating but it feels sweet… & also it feels really strong to see him be soft…. awwww it’s lovely : ) rough hands & gentle touch i like it : ) YUM.

  141.  #141Ella on January 18, 2012 at 1:41 pm


    Its tricky isn’t it…

    There is something about finding a balance between being goey and open and welcoming, and also being true to ourselves when we are feeling bad / disappointed.

    Maybe we can express both.

    I usually find that if I give myself permission to express the icky, and maybe do it here first to take some of the charge out of it, and maybe get some possible scripts, then I can also geniunly feel the nice, appreciative feelings too.

    So I can express both.

    And its very important to me to express authentically, even the bad stuff.

    I don’t think we need to be so afraid of it. although it does feel frightening to me often.

    I don’t know if any of that helps.


  142.  #142Laughing Goddess on January 18, 2012 at 1:41 pm

    Lillybelly: I agree, that it does sound healthy that he is taking time to consider that.

    My sweetie did that too, and came back really strong once he decided.

    Just like all of us, I’m sure he has his own fears and hang-ups around commitment.

    Have you two talked about what commitment means to each of you?

    What you vision of your future looks like?

    He might be dealing with a lot of unknowns there…which can feel scary.

  143.  #143Laughing Goddess on January 18, 2012 at 1:43 pm

    I feel inspired reading about guitar and drawing lessons!!!

  144.  #144Laughing Goddess on January 18, 2012 at 1:45 pm

    Flowerchild: Also, there’s also the possibility that as he starts to feel your appreciation and acceptance of the way he shows his love, he will start to show in other ways as well…i.e. more sex!

  145.  #145Femininewoman on January 18, 2012 at 1:46 pm

    I also believe we can babystep our way into commitment and use different layers.

    One layer can be a lot of contact. Seeing each other 3 times a week with phone calls in between every day.

    Another can be open communication with you leading with sharing your feelings and hopefully he will be inspired to do the same. This can be around different topics such as sex, house, money.

    I don’t believe commitment should only be about the big lifelong commitment.

  146.  #146Laughing Goddess on January 18, 2012 at 1:48 pm

    Summary of the 5 Love Languages

    -Acts of Service
    -Words of affirmation
    -Physical Touch
    -Quality Time

    Everyone has 2 primary ways in which they give and receive love

    Sounds like his ways of giving are Acts of Service and Words of Affirmation (he says he loves you every time you talk)

    And your primary ways of receiving are Physical Touch and Quality Time.

    I wonder what his ways of receiving are and your ways of giving?

    It’s possible that he might not be feeling your love as well and that’s why he’s holding back a bit.

  147.  #147lk on January 18, 2012 at 1:50 pm

    i notice myself feeling afraid & a belief that this will “fizzle” & i feel interested to see if i can’t have a steady campfire my whole life. i know i can, actually : ) i can keep it inside ME : ))) so then it doesn’t matter what my Baby does. & i want to call him Baby. i like that. & i’ll call him that if i want to. & i can have a boyfriend because he’s doing what i want & making arrangements to live together & support my future babies & help me to help my parents & grow spiritually & die well

    awwww “die well” are the last words of the song sqw wrote for me…. wow that feels so soft to think lovingly on all the men in my history & also all the men who Could be in my future if i had no one next to me

    & now i’m back imagining myself as a widow… all the men coming around me to bring food, bring gifts for me & my children, doing house chores…. i feel safe & loved

    i can feel safe & loved forever : ) i can ! i do! : )))

  148.  #148Laughing Goddess on January 18, 2012 at 1:50 pm

    FW 144


  149.  #149Laughing Goddess on January 18, 2012 at 1:53 pm

    Something to add to the Love Languages talk

    Everybody has two primary ways in which they give and receive love

    * but the way that they give love may be different from the way that they like to receive it

    My own thoughts, I think a lot of this is determined by how we are programmed growing up. What love looks like to us.

  150.  #150Laughing Goddess on January 18, 2012 at 1:54 pm

    I noticing that now that I ate, I am feeling less of a sense of urgency to do something.

    I can relax and enjoy my time here.

    I can plenty of time to do what I want to do.

    There is no urgency.

  151.  #151Femininewoman on January 18, 2012 at 2:01 pm

    LG my understanding is that the thing that people give is an indication of what they want. That is how they understand love so if the love language is Gifts, they feel loved when they give gifts and as such tend to give gifts when they express love. Another way I have seen it expressed by a coach, I believe Gay Hendricks, is that the thing a person complains about the most that they don’t get is an indication of their love language.

  152.  #152Femininewoman on January 18, 2012 at 2:02 pm


    “they feel loved when they get gifts and as such tend to give gifts when they express love”.

  153.  #153Laughing Goddess on January 18, 2012 at 2:05 pm

    FW, For some reason I was thinking that they could be different. It’s possible that I’m wrong about that though.

    “Another way I have seen it expressed by a coach, I believe Gay Hendricks, is that the thing a person complains about the most that they don’t get is an indication of their love language.”

    I haven’t heard that before but it makes complete sense.

    Cool, I love learning new things!

  154.  #154lk on January 18, 2012 at 2:06 pm

    hmmm…. & i’m trying to think over my block about saying I love you…. oh still the dream. that one’s hard but i can’t think about it. it’s not my thing. i won’t try to Abide By it…. also, sometimes i’m not “convinced” or… “there” “yet” though i can’t tell what my inner voice really means by those things… i can’t tell if i’m actually dubious… or if it’s a belief i have about Time ? i know i felt bad when jX said i love you after just a few weeks.. & i felt amazing when HT waited so long… & i felt surprised & moved when exCD said it out of “nowhere” when we’d been apart…. serious rubberbanding i suppose now………. ummmmmmm what am i talking about. i just want to know more about my feelings. love ?? sure. yes. full of it. can’t & will not say it this second. i cannot make any promises about the next second. i have actually said it to him, but not using breath or voice. that doesn’t count, says part of me. the other part says, he hears me & even if he acts like he’s “waiting” for me, he’s not ready. part of me also mentions, you don’t make choices, you just do things. it feels like ocean moving in me, like waves. ebb & flow. peaceful, dynamic, knowable, mysterious…. hm

  155.  #155Starla on January 18, 2012 at 2:06 pm

    oh wow, i am doing a really good job today with feeling messages and being clear with myself (and the others) about what would feel good to me, without making them wrong or scared of me.

    i am the prize

  156.  #156Femininewoman on January 18, 2012 at 2:07 pm

    CCarter also suggests that the mature thing to do is to identify what is your love language and share that so people have an idea how to be with you. It should be shared in a good context, like after dinner when people are happy and relaxed. I tried it once in a relaxed setting and the person opened up and told me he loved words of affirmation. He told me a story of an experience with someone. Maybe as CCarter says “telling stories” is a way this could be done. Or maybe while watching a movie one could try to identify it in the characters and use that as a leading statement into opening up the topic between you.

  157.  #157Starla on January 18, 2012 at 2:08 pm

    lk, have you read rori’s article about never saying “i love you” first?

  158.  #158lk on January 18, 2012 at 2:09 pm

    1 thing that it isn’t is urgent.

  159.  #159Femininewoman on January 18, 2012 at 2:11 pm

    I believe Katherine Scott also tells it the same way. She talks about a couple, in an interview, where for two years the man could not make his wife happy and she recommended that he read the book. What he discovered was that his wife wanted quality time whilst he was doing acts of service. As soon as he made the switch things magically changed between them. She was constantly complaining that he doesn’t spend time with her because he was working at night and he would always be cooking for her before he left for work. But she was not happy because what she wanted was to spend time with him.

  160.  #160Femininewoman on January 18, 2012 at 2:12 pm

    Starla I am not sure if I read that from Rori but I know it is something I have seen many coaches recommend. Reason being guys don’t know how to handle strong emotions. They run away from it. I can remember vividly in Sex and The City the First time Carrie says it to Mr. Big.

  161.  #161FlowerChild77 on January 18, 2012 at 2:18 pm

    Thank you, ladies….Ella, LG and FW

    You are so right about getting out the ‘icky’ stuff on the blog to take the ‘charge’ out of it, as you said. I think I need to vent a little so that I’m not a ‘fire breathing’ dragon’ when I do see him. It’s not that I feel anger about it so much as that it leaves me feeling kind of “meh” about seeing him. After all this time I’m not that excited about it.

    LG I do not feel you’re being pushy at ALL. 🙂

    I’m thinking I probably shouldn’t make any hasty decisions before I read that book. Just knowing the concept is helping me to understand (mentally, at least.) Also, I’m trying to remember that even though it’s not exactly the kind of time I’d ideally want—that when we live/lived together we did have more contact and more opportunities for sex and affection. It wasn’t quite this much emptiness and huge open spaces.

    I guess I surprised myself by actually LIKING living alone and the life I’ve made for myself, here. When I moved, I knew it was the right thing for me to do, at the time, and I looked forward to it…but I was depressed and scared all at once. It took me awhile to stop missing him and the house and to feel really OK about being on my own.

    I’m feeling a sense of urgency, so that means, of course, that I should stop and do nothing. Just go about my business and focus on me…

    I also thought that since I believe he is angry with me for not moving back right away—that he’s purposely trying to stay apart and not give me what I want and need. I understand the thinking behind it, but when I think of it that way, I feel unsafe and not cherished at ALL. It’s mean-spirited passive aggressive game playing and it feels icky. I want to feel like a priority, whether he’s unhappy about things or not. 🙁

    Time to go work on my drawing lesson. I can’t draw anything, either! :-p But the teacher says that it has nothing to do with talent and everything to do with how we “see.” So, I’m giving it a shot. My hope is to get good enough at it so that I can use it as an outlet for my emotions. That would feel very powerful to me to be able to express myself through a medium other than words. 🙂

  162.  #163lk on January 18, 2012 at 2:28 pm

    @Starla 157

    no, i haven’t…. do you know where it lives ?

    i’m imagining reasons for Not Saying It…. lots of them. i think i’ll probably wait. for many reasons. prime among them, that my voice feels quiet compared to his & i don’t want or need faster motion. in fact, i like this slow-ish-ness. actually, it looks fast to me in some ways… the tempo… hmmmm…. i’m saying, “I need more time to think about just myself & be alone” at the same time i feel more & more safe in my vision of a future partner…. & I want that. lol i accidentally turned caps lock on & I WANT THAT came out like that lol … hmmmm… tempo…… i like slowness. that’s important to me & i like feeling slow & easy. breathing & flowing & slow & easy. the other feelings don’t matter as much as long as i stay slow & easy & breathing. ok

  163.  #164Jilly on January 18, 2012 at 2:33 pm

    I WANT to lean forward soooooooooooo bad….guys…I haven’t felt this neediness…reaching outside myself for soooooo long…

    will someone please remind me of the MAGIC of leaning back because I have temporary memory loss and can’t seem to remember lol

  164.  #165Jilly on January 18, 2012 at 2:35 pm

    like I have that thought …you know the one that says he’s scared and doesn’t know if he should contact me or not…you know that one..the picking up the slack and making it easy for him

  165.  #166Camille on January 18, 2012 at 2:38 pm

    #1 You are a treasure ……treasures are difficult to get to but the reward is grand. Up your difficulty and your value

  166.  #167Starla on January 18, 2012 at 2:39 pm

    lk, it lives in comment 162

  167.  #168Camille on January 18, 2012 at 2:39 pm

    #2 Hes a big boy, if hes scared hell work through it dont mother him

  168.  #169Laughing Goddess on January 18, 2012 at 2:40 pm

    I’ve noticed that after reading the Love Languages book, the awareness of the different types has made me much more open to recognizing and receiving love in different forms.

    I can’t even remember what my two primary ones are.

    I’m going to focus some energy on how sweetie and I give and receive love.

    Maybe I’ll bring up the discussion with him in one of the subtle ways Fw described.

  169.  #170Jilly on January 18, 2012 at 2:45 pm

    Camille…thank you ….that’s perfect!! 🙂

  170.  #171Laughing Goddess on January 18, 2012 at 2:48 pm

    Jilly: I’m assuming you want a strong man who can work through his own fears. Seeing how he works through this will be a great indicator of that.

  171.  #172Jilly on January 18, 2012 at 2:52 pm

    LG..I know the thing is.. he is such an Alpha Male…the strong silent warrior type….

    I talked to cute skier guy about it lol…he said “it’s a good thing you are so beautiful…that you can BE the princess and have men come to you” most guys wouldn’t bother…heaven forbid you give any effort…

    yep…that’s what he said

  172.  #173Jilly on January 18, 2012 at 2:55 pm

    so anyway..he continued on to tell me it’s ok to say “hi” and then I expressed that it doesn’t feel good to pursue and it always seems to lessen the attraction…

    k…I just ate something and hopefully I’ll feel more grounded…

    and….I leave for hawaii in less than 48 hrs….wahoo!!

  173.  #174lk on January 18, 2012 at 2:57 pm

    Starla, thank you ! : )))

  174.  #175Laughing Goddess on January 18, 2012 at 3:02 pm

    Jilly: I’ve heard it said that what men SAY that they want can be really different from what actually makes them feel attracted.

    So, I would take your guy friends comments with a grain of salt.

    Of course, you could try leaning forward as an experiment or if you are feeling rockstar-ish.

    Where are you going in Hawaii?

  175.  #176lk on January 18, 2012 at 3:05 pm


    CD asked if i would cook dinner for him tonight & i said yes that sounded good but now it doesn’t.

    i can say that to him.

    & my mama invited me for jambalaya with my grandma & my dad…. i want CD to go with me to eat jambalaya & meet my grandma !

    hmmmm…. if he says No, Thank You, i think i’ll go alone & leave him to find his own dinner. lol not in such a mean way, but my family is important to me. & i told CD that i could get a ride home, that he didn’t need to drive back down the mountain to pick me up from work… so he’s just doing what he wants picking me up & asking me to have dinner together & asking me to fix dinner. & if the plan was made in advance, i’d feel bad “breaking” it, but it’s not a Serious Plan, just an Idea i think : )

  176.  #177Mel on January 18, 2012 at 3:09 pm

    I feel lucky and cared for! Mr. A just asked me if he could make me a super yummy veggie salad with eggs and avocados after my ballet class. He likes to feed me. I like to be fed. 🙂

  177.  #178Goodheart on January 18, 2012 at 3:09 pm

    Jilly, remember this – absolutely nothing stops a man from going after what he truly wants.

    If he truly wants you he WILL come & get you.

    He will.

    And if he doesn’t, then he’s not what YOU want. And that’s the most important thing.

    You got this siren.

  178.  #179Camille on January 18, 2012 at 3:22 pm

    What LG said is sooooo TRUE! I have had many many male friends over the years……I based everything I did on their perspective! (Thinking I had an “in” and I could be exactly what a man said they wanted) Well I was and it was completely unsuccessful because men in general have a difficult time expressing how they “feel” They say one thing but they really dont feel that way most of the time.

  179.  #180Jilly on January 18, 2012 at 3:23 pm

    Yay!!! thank you!! seriously…all this feedback helps soooo much when you are in the SOUP!!

    in the soup everything seems foggy and there are no signs or guideposts and you have no idea where to go 🙂

    LG…I love that and I do not feel like a rock star with him right now…though I just was a rockstar lol

    Goodheart…that is soo true!! Nothing stops a man from going after what he wants….I know this! thank you

    I know this stuff like no body else’s business!!!! 🙂 I am the QUEEEN of lean back….I’ve been doing it for so long now…

  180.  #181Camille on January 18, 2012 at 3:23 pm

    I listen to my “male” best friends now complain and whine and say what they want from a woman and I giggle to myself, thinking “uh, huh” of course you do. Thats why you love your “Siren” so much lol

  181.  #182Mel on January 18, 2012 at 3:25 pm



    I also have a male friend that I “bounce” stuff off of sometimes (friend with BEEnefits).

    But at least he has the good sense to end every piece of advice with: “…but then again, I don’t know what the hell I’m talking about!”

  182.  #183Camille on January 18, 2012 at 3:25 pm

    The one dear male friend I have would do ANYTHING for his wife, shes a total “Siren” but to hear him talk “at times” he doesnt have a clue why he is so taken with her. LOL

  183.  #184Jilly on January 18, 2012 at 3:26 pm

    Camille…yes…it is true…they say something but they don’t know what they really want is a SIREN!!!!! yep…watch out men…I feel soo happy hearing this…so much relief…

    I can’t do it wrong by leaning back!!!!

    yes yes yes….oohhhh I am feeling soo much better…it’s weird this crazy ride I’ve been on since Monday…

    k I’m ready to get off now

  184.  #185Starla on January 18, 2012 at 3:27 pm

    lol, my guy friends give me the WORST advice. it’s always “lean forward, starla.”
    “surprise him at work with food”
    “give him a surprise bj”

    yeah, right.:P cuz that will inspire commitment. *rolls eyes*

    Those are all great ideas for the context of a committed relationship, though, once he’s pursued me and won me over.

  185.  #186Camille on January 18, 2012 at 3:27 pm

    go Jilly! As clueless as they are…….I love them, every single one!

  186.  #187Jilly on January 18, 2012 at 3:28 pm

    LG…I am going to Oahu 🙂 My sis lives there…she is a dolphin trainer for Dolphin Quest.

    I do remember your awesome story of how you moved there and started a business right? I know the ending wasn’t quite what you were expecting…am I remembering right?

  187.  #188Camille on January 18, 2012 at 3:29 pm

    Oh Starla, I can so relate…….this convo is making me lol thinking of the advice men have given me on relationships. Now dont get me wrong some men do get it and have given me wonderful advice, but for the most part its cute and funny to me now.

  188.  #189Camille on January 18, 2012 at 3:30 pm

    Oh Jilly,
    Have a wonderful time………that just sounds fabulous……..daydreaming as we speak!

  189.  #190Jilly on January 18, 2012 at 3:33 pm

    yes…no taking advice from the other team…as adorable and clueless and amazing as they are! 🙂

    I LOVE all men too!!! 🙂

  190.  #191Jilly on January 18, 2012 at 3:34 pm

    thank you…yes…it’s going to be perfect! 🙂

  191.  #192Goodheart on January 18, 2012 at 3:35 pm

    Yes, men don’t know what they want until we show them –

    that it’s us 🙂

  192.  #193Jilly on January 18, 2012 at 3:38 pm

    Mel…I love that…yes..this was from my friend with Beenifits too…lol…

    yes…I’m going to keep that in the back of my mind from now on when a man tells me what he’s looking for…

    I”ll be like “oh honey…I know exactly what you’re looking for” in my head of course 🙂 I feel all queen like and “all knowing” just thinking this …I feel giggly and smiley now…

  193.  #194Brenda on January 18, 2012 at 3:44 pm

    Update on Ryan:

    I didn’t post all my texts, but suffice it to say between Monday night and Tuesday morning, after texting him a couple more hours, I had sabotaged it pretty good.

    I am aware that a lot of what follows is leaning forward, but the way I see it, HE didn’t do anything wrong. I am the one who messed it up, so it was mine to fix. Here is where it went from there:


    9:00 am B: I wasn’t trying to pressure you last night. I was feeling very powerful feelings of loneliness and they just came out.

    10:15 pm B: Hi

    10:45 pm B: So all is not well between us? 🙁

    3:55 am B: Ryan, please don’t withdraw. I need your friendship too, just like you need mine. Please excuse me for putting pressure on you.

    Then this morning I realized my phone storage was full, and I had not received a whole string of texts from Ryan last night!

    He wrote:

    R: Hello?

    R: I just feel a lot of issues.

    R: Are you there?

    R: Hey

    R: I’m going to have to turn my phone off in a few minutes.

    R: I have to do prayers in ten minutes.

    R: Hey

    R: Anyway, I don’t NEED your friendship.

    Granted, it wasn’t all positive and roses, but at least he was communicating! In the past, he would have completely gone silent. He sent 8 texts in an effort to contact me and respond, and that is a relief!

    11:30 am B: Hi Ryan, thank you so much for texting me! I am so sorry, I did not receive your texts until just now. I didn’t realize until this morning that my phone storage was full. So I just received all your texts at one time. It wasn’t my fault, but I feel really bad that that happened right at a sensitive point in our friendship.
    12:09 pm R: What’s up?
    12:09 pm R: It’s tough.
    12:13 pm B: Hey Ryan! It feels good to hear from you.
    12:28 pm B: I apologize for burdening you with my loneliness issues.
    12:41 pm B: I can show you the time that I received all 8 of your texts on my phone if you want. The time is displayed, and I received them all at 11:28 am. I hope you don’t think I was trying to play games with you, because I wasn’t. I felt very relieved and happy when I received your texts.
    12:43 pm B: The more I think about it, the more I realize that I am the one with the fear of intimacy! I think my issue is more a fear of intimacy than loneliness. It is hitting me right now like a revelation. I didn’t realize it.
    12:48 pm B: What are you thinking?
    1:28 pm B: Ryan, I am in the process of healing, also. I am doing my very very best. Please continue to be patient with me.
    6:19 pm B: Ryan, I used the wrong word when I said we need each other. What I meant was I think that I am healthy for you, and you are healthy for me. And I am committed to having nothing but healthy relationships in my future.
    6:21 pm B: Here is what I think was happening: every time I start to feel close to you, I do something unconsciously to sabotage our friendship. I don’t want to do that anymore, and now I am aware of it.
    6:24 pm R: I’m just having a hard time in this friendship and I don’t want that.
    6:26 pm B: And I apologized for making you feel uncomfortable. I am very sorry, and I think I see what was happening, and I am going to do my best to not let it happen again. What do you think?
    6:27 pm R: I hope so
    6:29 pm B: I’m not perfect. But I am doing my best to become my best self. I am growing. I am in process.

  194.  #195Senior Lady Vibe on January 18, 2012 at 3:46 pm

    @725: Turquoise says:
    “Also, all the guys are gone. have they been banned?”

    Yes, banned by Rori according to a post from Rori. I think a couple guys sneaked on since then and Rori recently posted that she permitted one guy so that he could get some “feedback” from women on the blog.

    She also noted his ALL CAPS which she allowed this one time. (In her previous posts from a while back, Rori has asked that she prefer we not post in ALL CAPS. )

    😥 I didn’t see that he received any responses. Did anyone reply to him, the guy who had been waiting two years for sex?

  195.  #196Goodheart on January 18, 2012 at 3:49 pm

    Jilly, I don’t know if this will help, but I used to drive my self absolutely crazy with the, “why doesn’t he call?” “will he call?” thing.

    And then I looked at the relationships around me that I admired & wanted to emulate &, without exception, they didn’t have any of that in the beginning. The guys they ended up with didn’t keep them guessing. They pursued from the get-go. I made up my heart that that was what I wanted & I focused on that. I put it on my list of ideal traits I wanted in my man. And then I let it go – released it out into the universe. And then…

    I started having more fun on dates.

    I didn’t worry about them being the one because I knew I would recognize him by his attention to me and his knowing that he wanted me. Any other guy would just be someone to have fun with. I looked at every date as just the potential to have FUN. And then…

    He showed up. 🙂

  196.  #197Jilly on January 18, 2012 at 3:53 pm

    Goodheart…I love that…and instinctively I know that…it shouldn’t feel bad at all…99% of them contact me everyday after a first date…I hope that doesn’t come off bad…i’m just sayin i know the difference :(..but I don’t like it

    thank you for sharing your story 🙂

  197.  #198Brenda on January 18, 2012 at 3:54 pm

    6:52 pm R: It’s just hard and uncomfortable for me right now.

    6:53 pm B: I know, and I apologize. Please forgive me. I love you.

  198.  #199Ella on January 18, 2012 at 3:55 pm

    Ok, very, very slowly.

    Is the way to go here.


    And breathing.

  199.  #200Ella on January 18, 2012 at 3:58 pm

    Owww, feeling a lil vulnerable.


    Love you Ella.

  200.  #201Ella on January 18, 2012 at 4:00 pm

    Ok well thats done.

    Didn’t even mean to hit send.

    Feeling like tight in my chest.

    Owww, interesting.

  201.  #202Ella on January 18, 2012 at 4:01 pm

    Its out there now.

    Just noticing stuff.

    Feeling anxious.

  202.  #203Lizka on January 18, 2012 at 4:02 pm

    Oh I’m getting excited but anxious about my date tomorrow with P…

    Wondering what I’m going to say if the thing he has to “talk” to me about is something not expected…

    What if he tells me he has a girlfriend?

    What if he tells me he just wants to be friends?

    What if he tells me, I don’t know… what am I going to say? OMG I don’t knowwww!

    This feels so exciting but at the same time so scary…

  203.  #204Camille on January 18, 2012 at 4:11 pm

    How much funner would it be to not analyze it and Be Surprised!

  204.  #205Ella on January 18, 2012 at 4:13 pm

    Leanback Ella.

    You don’t have to say it all at once!!

    There is time.

  205.  #206Goodheart on January 18, 2012 at 4:19 pm

    Of course, I still found occasion to freak out 🙂 even with consistent contact. But he did a little too, which was cute & helped. And I tried to just breath through those times & focus on me.

    Ok, so honestly, I STILL find occasion to freak out 🙂

    And, Jilly, it doesn’t come off bad when you say they contact you 99% of the time. It comes across confident & honest. That’s probably why the fact that military guy falls into the 1% is so hard to swallow.

  206.  #207Lizka on January 18, 2012 at 4:22 pm

    Oh Camille you’re so right! 🙂

    I will focus on me, on making myself beautiful, am I gonna wear my boots or my sexy high heels? Will I wear a red lipstick? That’s only about me!

  207.  #208Camille on January 18, 2012 at 4:25 pm

    Yes Lizka Yes!!!!! Geez your getting me excited! (Go with the high heels) LOL

  208.  #209Camille on January 18, 2012 at 4:26 pm

    A little leg can go a loooonnnggg way! heheheheh

  209.  #210Jessie 1000 on January 18, 2012 at 4:27 pm

    When I read some of the comments, I wonder if I sound like the girls who are so excited at the possibility of having a boyfriend when men can be alot of headache too. I feel like sometimes the status of having a man outweighs my good sense…u know walk around with a good looking guy, even if hes mean or crabby and then he is bossy or hard to be around and yet the headaches are never in my mind when I am single. WHy is singleness so bad? Is it that hard to have fun and be single? Sometimes I wonder if I love my roommate, who is such a great friend more than my man cause she never gives me trouble….like the boys do…lol …any thoughts?

  210.  #211Ella on January 18, 2012 at 4:28 pm

    Ok, maybe that is probably enough for now.

    You know the tricky thing is the disconnect between what these men tell me and what my instincts tell me.

    I don’t know howo to express that without calling them a liar!

  211.  #212Camille on January 18, 2012 at 4:31 pm

    I think its fun to be single……
    Being single is where you learn to fill yourself up….and love yourself

  212.  #213Camille on January 18, 2012 at 4:34 pm

    Ryan sounds like a dear man, trying desperately to communicate how he feels to you in a kind manner…… he doesnt hurt your feelings.

    He cares about your feelings

    But Im left wondering why you dont respect him?

  213.  #214CurvySiren10 on January 18, 2012 at 4:37 pm

    Oh Brenda. arghh. I feel so tense reading all of the explaining and groveling (for lack of a better word) that you did in those text conversations. It feels like you are pushing SO hard and he is pulling back equally hard. Can you possibly take a big breath and just step away for now?? Lean wayyy back and let Ryan breathe a bit. It feels to me like he is not enjoying the pressure of your “friendship” right now. That pressure is SUCH an attraction killer. I felt especially stressed reading how you tried to convince him that you weren’t ignoring his texts and explaining about your phone. Do you not realize how much better it would have been in creating some allure by just being happy hear from him and not explain *anything* or convince him of your devotion?

    I wish I knew how to help you see how much stepping back is needed right now. It feels bad to think that you are repeating the same cycle over and over with him.

  214.  #215Ella on January 18, 2012 at 4:37 pm


    Feeling anxious stuff!


    Yay for me!!!


  215.  #216Ella on January 18, 2012 at 4:38 pm


    letting go of control.

    Feels scary.

    And good.

    Its out of my control.

    I can only choose how to react.

    And feel those feelings.

  216.  #217Ella on January 18, 2012 at 4:40 pm

    Oh, noticing a ‘stance’

    Like this is what I believe and I am sticking to it.

    How do I feel?

    A lil anxious and wary.

  217.  #218Ella on January 18, 2012 at 4:44 pm


    tricky conversations.

  218.  #219Ella on January 18, 2012 at 4:45 pm

    I don’t want to feel worried.

    Cus everything else feels so good.

  219.  #220Laughing Goddess on January 18, 2012 at 4:51 pm

    Jilly 187

    Yes, you remembered the story correctly.

    I had an amazing experience over there and at the time, I didn’t think it ended well.

    I was living with my imaginary relationship guy at this amazing health retreat/organic farm and we had started an online raw foods business together.

    I first found Rori because of him.

    When I realized that he was not treating me the way a man treats a woman he is in love with, I finally left.

    I feel heartbroken because not only was a leaving him, I was also leaving my home, my job, my dogs and other farms animals, everything.

    In hindsight though, it was perfect. Everything has worked out fine. I have a new, improved life, a better man, better job, nice house, even a puppy from my favorite dog there.

    Everything always works out for the best!

    And I kept that in the back of my mind as I was going through it.

    I do really miss Hawaii though. It’s such a magical, special place.

    I know you are going to have so much fun!

    Do you get to play with the dolphins?

  220.  #221Laughing Goddess on January 18, 2012 at 5:01 pm

    And Imaginary Relationship Guy did come back by I had lost my attraction for him by that time.

    He was happy to have sex with me, let me work for him, make him food all the time but after a while he lost his attraction to me and started actively seeking out other women. Since we ran a business together, I had access to his email and I would snoop and read his emails and FB messages. I would spend hours looking for some piece of incriminating evidence.

    Oh man, it was such a toxic situation.

    Thank you, Rori, for helping me get out of that mess.

    And really, looking back, he is not a good match for me.

    I feel soooo relieved that I finally realized that and moved on.

    We actually have a sweet, friendly FB relationship now.

  221.  #222Laughing Goddess on January 18, 2012 at 5:05 pm

    I spoke with sweetie about love languages and he said that his are Physical Affection and Words of Affirmation.

    He said that even if other things in a relationship aren’t going perfectly, he feels okay as long as those two things are there.

    Mine are probably Physical Affection and Acts of Service. I’m still not totally sure of that. I feel excited to be putting some energy into discovering this.

  222.  #223Ella on January 18, 2012 at 5:10 pm

    That went ok.

    In terms of me expressing myself.

    Not sure how I feel now?

    Maybe slightly put off? ?

    Which isn’t a bad thing right now.

    But he is still sweet.

    At the end he was mirroring my language speaking about how he ‘felt’ this and that…


  223.  #224Zara on January 18, 2012 at 5:16 pm

    Google: End Piracy, Not Liberty

  224.  #225Zara on January 18, 2012 at 5:18 pm

    W T F is SOPA? ( Stop Online Piracy Act )

  225.  #226Zara on January 18, 2012 at 5:19 pm

  226.  #227Brenda on January 18, 2012 at 5:50 pm

    Curvy Siren,

    I was using what Rori’s said, Ho’opo Opono.

    Beyond that, I must be missing something. I am doing my best.

  227.  #228Brenda on January 18, 2012 at 5:55 pm


    That feels really bad to hear. I do not receive that.

  228.  #229Sweetpea on January 18, 2012 at 6:13 pm

    Starla @ 25,


    What girlfriends have told you you’re ugly. I feel my bouncer side coming out now. Point them out and I will kick their a**e*!

    Girl, there is nothing ugly about you. I can attest. They must have been either jealous, or blind. *(&)#@@$%#%&*^(%^^&#%!!!!!!

  229.  #230Sweetpea on January 18, 2012 at 6:14 pm


    I can NOT possible be – 200 posts behind…


  230.  #231Sweetpea on January 18, 2012 at 6:20 pm

    Mel @ 9,

    Awww. I’m glad I can give you healthy encouragement.

    In the past I would have been really put off by “I usually need lots of space while I sleep”. In fact, I HAVE been there. I’m so glad that it doesn’t bother you (or me) anymore.

    Whooppeee!!! Men can (and will) change – just for little ol’ us! haahaa

  231.  #232Femininewoman on January 18, 2012 at 6:28 pm

    LG from what I have learned it seems many men are primarily those two as far as love languages go.

  232.  #233Sweetpea on January 18, 2012 at 6:31 pm

    Goodheart @ 40,

    Love this!!

    Tripping over nothing! What a fabulous thing for teaching us to laugh at ourselves, eh? 😀

  233.  #234Sweetpea on January 18, 2012 at 6:32 pm

    Sorry, guess that was 44, Goodheart. *shrug*

  234.  #235Emmie on January 18, 2012 at 6:36 pm

    I’m feeling a bit rubbish today, Uptight, impatient, nervous and hurt. I am trying to be aware of it but it keeps lurking in. I just had a hug with my dog, and imagined myself hugging myself which put a smile on my face. It feels good to know I can get the comfort I crave and I can get it from ME, even if it is just for a second.

    Urgh, I feel pathetic, just wish it would all go away!

  235.  #236Femininewoman on January 18, 2012 at 6:37 pm

    The Power of Wondering
    We do our best to start each day with wonder, which the dictionary says is “to be filled with admiration, amazement, or awe; marvel.” When you start the day with the actual experience of wonder, you can open new pathways, meetings and possibilities that a purely getting-it-done approach misses. Wonder is more fun than work. Wonder can even transform work with its expansive perception. We create the whole-body state of wonder by opening physical space through stretching, inner space by meditating, and brain space with wonder questions. We’ve found that relaxed breathing, curiosity and openness boost the wonder experience.

    Here are some questions that we’ve generated to craft a wonder template for the day. They are enhanced by saying them out loud with a pleasant “hmmm” before each question.

    • What choices can I make that will allow me to be happy all the time?

    • How can I express gratitude today?

    • How can I live moment to moment in a state of radiant health?

    • What can I learn today that will benefit everyone?

    • How can I express the very best of myself with integrity & creativity?

    • How can I connect authentically with those around me today?

    With love,

    Gay and Katie Hendricks

  236.  #237tenny on January 18, 2012 at 6:49 pm

    # 1000

    I remember feeling that way – that men are not worth the trouble and heartache they bring. That is when I started Rori’s programs. I enjoy being single, especially CDing!!! I enjoy taking care of myself, the siren and queen that I am. But then, I enjoyed the attention from men, and I enjoyed meet a few really nice guys. Paying attention to them – what they thought, felt and talked about. It was like seeing men with new eyes. Actually hearing them and considering what mattered to them. No games, no airs no scheming, just enjoying them. And then it hit me, they aren’t that much work if it’s the right one 🙂

  237.  #238Emmie on January 18, 2012 at 7:00 pm

    @ Starla (and anyone else following my posts from previous blog entry)

    Do you think it is leaning forward that I proposed we meet on 12th Feb if there is any love/possibility we can get together again??

    He deleted me off facebook (i know what rori says! drop him!) but he did this after this weekend where we had an awful fight and after I wrote to him saying lets meet.

    If he does show on the 12th- what do you think I should do/act? I’m scared of having an in depth convo straight away, scared to stay for too long, scared to apologise for my toxic behaviour even though I really want to, scared that if I do apologise it will remind of the bad times….eek feeling very scared.

    How long Starla had you not heard from your ex before he contacted you?

  238.  #239Emmie on January 18, 2012 at 7:02 pm

    * after i wrote to him saying lets meet but i want space and distance and no contact before the 12th

  239.  #240Starla on January 18, 2012 at 7:13 pm

    Aw thanks sweetpea. I never really feel that ugly anymore…and I’m constantly being asked out and hearing from men that they think i’m captivating and beautiful, but it’s a trigger for sure. And I notice, like others have, that even though I’m not the prettiest girl in the room, I get so much positive attention. Like overwhelming amounts sometimes.

  240.  #241Iamabutterfly on January 18, 2012 at 7:17 pm

    I feel kind of numb/sad tonight. It doesn’t feel like that deep, gratifying sadness that feels good to sink into and cry out.

    It feels like a very surface-level numb sadness.

    I practiced physically leaning back as well as focusing my thoughts down to my pelvis at the coffee shop tonight.

    There was a cute guy in front of me. As I leaned back, he turned around and smiled at me. It felt nice, but kind of empty too…

    I really miss the guy who broke my heart, M. Old songs keep coming on the radio that remind me of him. He is the closest thing to real love that I have ever known.

    (I KNEW from the bottom of my heart and the top of my highest self that he loved me, I was just so insecure and messed up at the time, I couldn’t allow anything to happen. I sabatoged it. I feel such hatred for my past self sometimes. I want to heal this…)

    It’s crazy because I was at my prime, living for myself and completely carefree when it came to guys back then. I was practicing Rori’s tools like an expert, instinctively, without ever knowing that they were out there…(I’m not sure they were out there back then…)

    I loved my life with or without a man in it. I miss that so much it hurts sometimes.

    I had no debt.
    No gray hairs. (I only have two now, lol, it’s only been a few years…)

    Someone said his first and last name tonight, like they couldn’t remember it, like they were wondering if they were saying his name right…

    and I just nodded and said “yes, you’re saying it right.”

    It’s so strange what I feel when I hear his name. It’s like I don’t really feel anything on the surface, but it’s like this person deep deep inside me can still feel…something, pain, intense pleasure, longing…but my surface self just can’t feel anymore when it comes to him.

    I haven’t seen him in a long time, and even when I did see him after him being married, and he stared at me from a distance, as I was coincidentally walking towards him, even then, I felt…numb. but deep deep inside something else…

    The first time I saw him after he got married, he was so excited to see me and so sweet and gentle to me, but I was literally in physical pain…I don’t know how else to describe it…

    I feel scared that I’m never going to love like that again. and in a way, I know I won’t, because I’ll never feel that young, exuberant, and dependent on someone ever again.

    It felt soooo good to depend on him, that is, when it was just a slight, not obsessive dependence (which it did turn into…)

    He was a stepup man. I just couldn’t let him in…

    I just couldn’t let him in…
    I just couldn’t let him in…

    I feel sad, but it’s not even deep….

    It’s like someone else is feeling the sadness and I’m just witnessing it as someone who barely knows the person or something…

    but I can feel other people’s sadness acutely usually.

    It’s like I can’t feel the sadness that my past self is still feeling or something?

    Does that even make sense?

    and what do I do about it?

    How do I allow myself to feel it, feel everything, let the feelings move through me and change and evolve?

    I never felt such intense feelings except during that one time in my life, but it felt so wonderful to feel EVERYTHING. and I felt EVERYTHING.

    I felt completely ALIVE.

    I miss that feeling, of feeling completely ALIVE.

    I miss feeling IN LOVE.

    I miss feeling estactic, earth shaking bliss.

    I feel the sadness coming up a little more, but it’s like it doesn’t want to come all the way up…

    I feel frustrated that I don’t know how to move past this…

    Will those feelings that are so deep deep inside ever go away? Is love truly forever?

    Does it torture you until death?

    Does it last past death?

    Losing him felt like dying and in a lot of ways I did.

    I was resurrected, and I feel like I’m still being resurrected and transformed and perfected and beautified.

    I’m new again.

    but I feel like a shaky newborn…

  241.  #242Starla on January 18, 2012 at 7:22 pm

    Emmie it is DEFINITELY leaning forward.

    In one case, it was only a week, because I hounded him (leaning forward!). In another, I left him alone and it took a month or two. He actually is still pursuing me to this day. I wrote about him earlier.

    One suggestion might be to write him and say, “actually, i noticed i am just feeling so off balance and wrapped up in this situation, and you’re right, we shouldn’t be together if you don’t think that’s what you want. It would feel good to get focused back on myself, and not worry about meeting on the 12th. If you change your mind, I’d feel open to dating you again if i’m not seeing anyone else at that time.”

    this is a radical suggestion compared to where you head i right now, but probably the best bet for you getting him back and getting your own toxic sh*t in order. You deserve to be way happier than this. You’re all wrapped up in him, and you’ll never be truly happy or have a good relationship with a good man until you learn to fully “unplug” your happiness and self worth and anxiety from a man.

    Okay, now let’s say the above idea is too severe for you to handle emotionally right now. Then when he shows up on the 12th, I would just lean back, sink into your feelings, and show gentle appreciation. “it feels good to sit with you again.”
    “it would feel great to talk about how things went before giving it another shot. I felt so tense and I care for you so much, I just don’t want to feel that way with you.”

    and mostly, you keep your mouth shut. Don’t hen peck him or analyze. This is a nervous thing we all do when we don’t know better. He’ll probably have a lot to say. It’s a good time to listen to him, and not argue or cut in (unless he says things that are abusive, in which case u should find yourself a nicer guy lol)

    because if he’s there on the 12th, if you can slow the urgency you feel down, and choose your words and just “be,” you will have plenty of opportunity to communicate everything. Don’t overload him.

    It’s gonna be hard. In the meantime, you gotta focus on yourself even more and stop worrying about how it’s gonna go.

  242.  #243tenny on January 18, 2012 at 7:24 pm

    I’m leaning back and it feel safe. My emotions are not getting away from me, or carrying me too far out to sea. Just like floating – I’m so glad I’m not drowning, not leaning forward. Giving in to my feelings is keeping me safe.

  243.  #244siren song on January 18, 2012 at 7:26 pm

    Woo hoo! I so honoured my no last minute date boundaries tonight. I had a guitar lesson and then band practice so I was pretty busy. A cd texted and asked me to watch a movie (last minute). I said no. I could never have done that a year ago. Especially with a really hot guy, like this one. He sent a weird text after, asking if I was still interested, but I feel good about it.

  244.  #245Iamabutterfly on January 18, 2012 at 7:38 pm

    i feel like I had an epiphany with Jack CD too. I was thinking of a girl he was CDing…and I was just thinking that he probably won’t pursue her or remember her once she moves away…it’s just a feeling I have…

    …and then I remembered. He seemed interested in me three years ago when I was still so stuck on M, it was ridiculous.

    …and I remembered that he remembered ME, three years later.

    I feel so amazing. I left an impression on someone that LASTED, that inspired him to try again.

    and he is not even the only one who feels inspired to try again with me!

    I am worth something, dang it!

    I am of great value!

    Guys don’t just forget me!

    I am unforgettable!

    (maybe this doesn’t feel like a big deal to some of you, but this feels soooo huge for me to realize, you have no idea…)

    I still feel a little sad and numb, but remembering this realization from earlier today makes me feel better and hopeful…

  245.  #246Lush_Oasis on January 18, 2012 at 7:39 pm


    I’m feeeling blinded by many issues that are seemingly gremlins to keep my mind occupied. I feel hopeful that by putting words to my woes, that I will be able to relax on the gremlins and to also get feedback / relief by putting them down in to words and getting them out of my head (:-)); some thoughts are good – some not so good, and I’ve debated many times whether or not to post here, but figured this was a safe harbor to vent (as it were).

    *warning: long post follows* (in honor of LG?) 😉

    Brenda — {{ }} stay strong … keep the focus on you.

    Mel / lk — your CDs sound fabulous and I feel all giddy reading your recent posts. *sigh* awww.

    I feel completely self-conscious of a beauty flaw. And now that spring / summer weather lurks on the horizon, my inner girl wants to keep the colder weather so that I can continue to hide. What do people do when their CDs and / or families love the beach and being in the water? I suppose some of these thoughts developed from a few posts ago when there was mention of stilletos, etc. Yeah … heels and I just don’t get along either. 🙁

    I feel my self-esteem and self-confidence totally take a nose dive just at the very thought of wearing sandals or joining a CD on their boat or going for an outing on their jet skis, etc. because my feet are not “perfect” and I feel embarassed that they are not the dainty, cute model-perfect images that I long to have.

    Ironically, I feel completely comfortable in my own skin as it comes to weight, scars (and lots of them from surgeries, etc., pale skin, freckles, etc. etc. etc. — just stay away from the feet, right? Ugh! I feel so foolish, but even the mere thought of a CD offering to help me feel better with a foot massage, makes me feel all nervous and wanting to run for the corners.

    I welcome any advice on how to overcome this, but realize that its a sensitive subject and is likely one of the last things to keep me from standing tall and proud in my own skin. 🙁


    One of my CDs [totally awesome btw]. (hmm … maybe thats what I ought ot call him taCD?) … anyway …. he has crossed the imaginary threshold of expressing his feelings openly and [from what I believe] honestly and truthfully and has mentioned the “L” word! 🙂 Wow … I totally feel surprised, scared, and any other number of emotions fall in line here and I even told him as much. Love to taCD … he didn’t back down, and he just gave me the space I needed to process and re-group. But, after our last outing, he totally went to the dark side (not his normal MO), and I know we, the sirens, aren’t supposed to lean forward or anything, but the nervous girl in me kept feeling concerned that something happened. … he messaged me today saying that he’s been totally sick as a dog since the weekend and has missed 3 days of work and still does not feel well. Ugh … the caretaker in me totally wants to make him feel better, but I feel clueless on overstepping my bounds. Hmm … hoping he’ll feel better quickly. 🙂

    Do any of you believe in dreams foretelling the future? I’ve had several dreams as it relates to taCD and what I can perceive to be a future [from the dreamland, anyway]. I feel totally cared for, wanted, adored and cherished [any number of positive emotions here] by him in my dream and one of my dearest relatives (RIP) was visiting with me and I got their blessings of approval of taCD(!!!) OMG … yay!?!

    But, then, it was, like, after getting the relative’s blessing, everything else fell in to place. It felt magical — it felt amazing — it felt perfect — it felt easy and light and awe inspiring and amazing (yes, I said it twice :-)).

    After my relative gave me their approval, I envisioned a very large delivery of wood (like … wood flooring or wall studs, etc.) .. and was totally in my fantasy that once a relationship develops, its an ongoing building process to make sure that it continues to grow and get stronger. The dream was totally surreal — I saw most of the details here … from the front end loader hauling the pallets of flooring from the courtyard up and around the drive to drop the load by the lot to build on.

    I related the delivery of the wood floors (for lack of a better term) to mean that the foundation for this relationship has now been made available / laid out before us (taCD and I) and its up to us to continue to grow and build it together. Whoa! I feel so inspired! But then taCD became ill and hasn’t talked to me as much and then my NVs keep coming out to tell me I should’ve known better. But then, its like another part of me (somewhere) pushes the NVs away and just realizes and feels comforted knowing that my relative and the vision of the foundation wouldn’t have been revealed to me if it weren’t meant to be! Awesome … just need patience, right?


    **** Final thought for this post *****

    Without a job in this economy, money is a huge issue [or the lack of, more likely], I feel awkward going to local coffee houses or eateries to have ‘me’ time where I can CD myself and interact with others. But, at the same time, I know I won’t have any luck finding this social outlet in my house. Hmm — food for thought.
    I hope that made sense. I feel concerned if I go over and edit any errors that I’ll just remove the post [again – for the ##th time!]. So,its just a bunch of random thoughts, and some things that have been nagging me for a while as to whether or not I wanted to post here. Thanks for reading. 🙂

  246.  #247Sweetpea on January 18, 2012 at 7:42 pm

    This little Siren is going to go to zzzzz land early tonight.

    After a rough all-nighter of an emotional storm night before last, I was up every other hour last night. I feel sooooo relaxed and sleepy.

    Good night ladies!

  247.  #248tenny on January 18, 2012 at 7:43 pm

    Iamabutterfly #241

    that was beautiful and heart stirring
    I totally totally understand
    I’ve been there too

  248.  #249Starla on January 18, 2012 at 7:44 pm

    *you will have plenty of opportunity in the future after that, i mean

  249.  #250Emmie on January 18, 2012 at 7:47 pm

    @ starla

    Gosh- I really don’t think I can do that extreme situation. Mainly because I don’t feel strong enough to not have a definite timeline. Perhaps in a few weeks I could write that.

    I feel that I may trigger his curiosity by not contacting him at all, it also gives him time to breathe and for me to work on myself…this is why I kind of want to stick to the 12th. Although I seem to be giving myself some type of hope which is stupid.

    You are very right though, I am totally wound up in him, to the point of obsessing. Silly dreams etc. Even reading your message triggered me and I got all shivery. (I shake when I get nervous or scared!)

    I love what you wrote about what to do if he is there- and I will keep this in mind if I happen to bump into him in the meantime.

    My therapist advised me not to contact him to apologise for my toxic behaviour, but if I let people know that I’m changing and I’m aware I was the toxic one… and those people are likely to pass it on to him,…then this should raise his desire to be there. I have slipped it into convos with his sis and step mum…this feels manipulative, but better than leaning forward and contacting him.

    Have you many of the Rori products? I can only afford one, which would you recommend I view?

    How long had you and your ex been together?
    What did you find really helped you with focusing on yourself?

    thanks for all your help, it makes me feel so supported and appreciative 🙂

  250.  #251sensual on January 18, 2012 at 7:49 pm

    @ 242 starla and emmie… that feels like amazing advice for emmie, you have this thing down! Espcially what you suggest to do about no hen pecking in the meeting! I’ve been there…reconcilation opportunity with an ex and if i could offer Emmie any advice it would be to take enough time out first to focus on your self and meet other men so that you have a relaxed vibe when you get there and don’t look for an outcome after the first meeting, just a chance to reconnect and re-set a positive soft, vibe around the situation.

  251.  #252tenny on January 18, 2012 at 7:51 pm

    sweet dreams sweatpea!

  252.  #253Iamabutterfly on January 18, 2012 at 7:52 pm

    @246 Lush_Oasis – *commenting on your wood foundation dream* Personally, I feel like dreams are our subconscious minds just processing through all of our thoughts. I believe that dreams CAN be an indicator of the future, but only if you continue to direct your life on the same course that it’s on now, if that makes sense. Things seem to be going well with taCD…(LOVE that nickname, btw…haha!) and so it’s likely that they will continue to go well, especially if you stay in your positive frame of mind, and don’t let the NVs make you crazy.

    As far as your foot insecurity, maybe just work on loving your feet. Write love letters to your feet (sounds kind of strange, I know, but then, so does writing love letters to yourself, at least to some people…)

    Find things to like about your feet. They work, right? You can walk on them. That’s something. Maybe the man who loves your feet is the man that will loves you, all of you, even the feet that you don’t like…

    I feel like we need to learn to love ALL of ourselves.

    and maybe it would be helpful for you to reflect on WHY you don’t like your own feet…

    Has someone made hurtful comments to you about your feet in the past?

    Has something embarassing happened regarding your feet?

    Maybe you need to forgive your feet.

    Maybe you need to forgive some aspect of yourself…

    Hope that helps. 🙂 Good luck!

  253.  #254Starla on January 18, 2012 at 7:53 pm

    Lush…what is the flaw with your feet?

  254.  #255sensual on January 18, 2012 at 7:54 pm

    talking of reconnect…I fell all happy bc my FWB of a year whom i was seeing regularly from October-New years and my feelings were getting too deep so I ended everything on Jan 2nd…and i have kept silent since but have been missing him… he reached out to me today just to “check in and hope i am well” and i just replied saying how nice it was to hear from him, and that i felt happy he checked in and i hope he’s well too.

    I feel happy because I didn’t ask him any leaning forward questions, just said that i felt happy to reconnect 🙂

  255.  #256Sweetpea on January 18, 2012 at 7:55 pm

    Lush Oasis @ 246,

    First of all, what is it that you dislike about your feet? Without knowing, I’ll just tell you what my initial thoughts were and hopefully none of it will strike a nerve.

    First of all, if it’s the size that bothers you, I would encourage you to really look at “model feet”. They, for the most part, are not dainty little cute things. Especially if you look at an actual full length pic of a model, where you can see the size of the feet in the context of the size of the person.

    Anything other than that is easily remedied by giving your feet a little tlc. First, and easiest, get yourself one of those brush/emery board feet thingies you can find at any drug store. The ones that look like they have sandpaper (or like a big emery board) – fine on one side and coarser on the other side. Keep it in your shower and just use it on your feet (at the end of the shower, when the skin is softened) every day. Or everytime you shower.

    It only takes a minute and will make a HUGE difference in the softness of your feet. Also, you can put an intensive moisturizer on them when you go to bed and where cotton socks over that. Vaseline actually works quite well for this.

    I hope that this info helps.

    As for dreams – yes, I believe that there is sometimes a message in them. The only dream I ever remember having of my mom since she passed away was telling me to get away from the guy I was dating – that he’s the “devil incarnate”.

    That of course, was an exaggeration, he wasn’t evil just messed up, but it sounded just like something she would say. lol. Needless to say, I left him shortly afterward.

    Other than that, I hope they all aren’t, cuz I’ve had some bizarro dreams about MM lately where I knew he was MM, but he looked nothing like him. AND… one where I married a man considerably older than me who shared MM’s first name, but not his last. And he didn’t treat me nearly as well as MM does.


    Just a bit of rambling of my own.

  256.  #257Sweetpea on January 18, 2012 at 7:57 pm

    Thanks Tenny! (And now I really am going to bed…)

  257.  #258Iamabutterfly on January 18, 2012 at 7:58 pm

    @248 tenny – thanks so much. doesn’t it feel so good, knowing at least, that we are not alone in all of these complicated feelings from our past? Feels so good to know that someone could relate, that someone felt beauty and a stirring of the heart. Seriously, so seriously, thank YOU! 🙂

  258.  #259FlowerChild77 on January 18, 2012 at 7:58 pm

    Ooooffff….I just got done watching Bridges of Madison County. Not only could I relate to her feeling torn and needing that kind of love so much…the whole thing just busted the damn for me. I probably shouldn’t have watched it, but it was a little “escape” for me.

    I’ve been crying my eyes out. It’s not just the’s a lot of stuff…all the deaths in the last year…my mother and two close relatives and a very dear friend. Then…last week my mother’s my aunt’s house burned down…she was in it. She was 91 years old and living independently. She died at the burn center two days later. I can’t imagine how scared she must have been trying to get to the phone. What a horrible, horrible thing to be the last thing that ever happens to her…

    All of this has been stuffed inside. While I was crying (and it was something I really needed to do, I know that) bf calls me. Quiet mood, wondering what’s wrong. I tried to tell him it was ‘everything.’ He says nothing, as usual.

    Then I asked him if he was angry with me…if there was something he wanted to tell me….and he got mad and said, “I’m not gonna take the blame for all of this, ya know!”


    I just said I was sorry and asked him what he had for dinner. This just confirms why I feel that I can’t talk to him about anything.

    I do love him….but it’s a love without words (except “I love you”—he does say that.) We can never REALLY talk about anything. Anything I say makes him mad. He said he’s coming over tomorrow afternoon. What do I say? Everything I try (even FMs) is wrong…wrong…wrong.

    I feel so alone….so very, very alone.

  259.  #260Sweetpea on January 18, 2012 at 8:00 pm

    I still hate it when I switch words, like “where” instead of “wear”. I never used to do that. It’s hell getting old.


  260.  #261sensual on January 18, 2012 at 8:01 pm

    oh and new man with potential CD and i first official date last night went sooo well! i expressed feeling messages especially when we ate truffle on our sushi mmmmmmmmm orgasmic! he was laughing at how much i was enjoying myself eating it. he kept saying he really didn’t want to end our date, he so wanted to take me home to cuddle and watch tv in bed, but i said another time..

    also, he told me he wanted to skip the first 10 dates and just jump straight to being in a relationship with me but i said that i love the first few dates because although i feel comfortable enough with him to do that, the first few dates feel so exciting, so let’s not skip that. he smiled and said ok, but later he ran over to me from the bar and said “but date 3! and he gave me our first real kiss” awwww he’s been texting me sweet things today too 🙂

  261.  #262Emmie on January 18, 2012 at 8:02 pm

    @ Lush_Oasis

    I have to wear a wig because I have a form of alopecia that is incurable…I can barely even think about going on a boat in case my wig falls off!! I would never go to a theme park to ride the rides with a date, I would never go out in the wind in case….I had to start wearing one about 3 years ago. My ex and i went to the hair salon and he helped me pick one, he has helped me pick all 4 that I own, he loved me the whole time my hair was falling out and loved me at the shop and stuck up for me to others…even after all of this i felt so self concious…its summer in australia and I cant even go swimming! but what helped is one day I decided that I didnt care what people thought anymore…and I slipped it into a few convos as jokes or little comments….and NO ONE took it badly, no one reacted in the dreadful way i thought they would, in fact they all supported me. Recently it was so windy at a touch rugby game, i had to ask the umpire to borrow her hat because otherwise there was no way I could play- able bodied and all- there was no way I was running onto the field for everyone to watch my hair fall off! even she took it well, and some good looking guy that must have been listening to the convo offered me a head band…now my only concern is meeting a new guy and having to tell him how it makes me feel if we ever get to the point of intimacy or sleepovers…BUT i have realised, this may be a huge flaw in me, but if my friends dont care, if my ex still loved me through it then the right guy for me wont care either…..perhaps make a joke of it, perhaps admit how self concious you are and really show that vulnerability…no one that is worth it will dislike or judge you for it….and half the time we perceive our image weaknesses a lot worse than they are! best of luck and do not fret too much!

    also- yes I believe in dreams. often it is your subconscious reaffirming what you already know. I have many examples of dreams coming true, or revealing to me the truth…but i wont go in to it….but i will admit often before I go to sleep I ask my dreams (my subconscious) to tell me the answer, and when I wake I usually know whats right

    many thoughts to you, i feel for your situation, but be strong gal! there are people out there that are not able bodied, people missing limbs, people that cannot walk- the right person ALWAYS looks beyond the front cover 😀 xx

  262.  #263Starla on January 18, 2012 at 8:02 pm

    “I don’t feel strong enough to not have a definite timeline”

    Emmie, you’re having serious control freak issues here. You want to control it all. This is probably a huge force behind your toxic behavior. A huge part of Rori’s work is letting go of controlling behaviors and attachment to outcomes (curiously enough, also the work of cognitive behavioral therapy and buddhism).

    I’m hoping more sirens will start jumping in.

    To answer your questions, I had been with them both for 5 or 6 month when they bolted. The one that really mattered to me bolted again a few times, because I never changed my toxic behavior. He bolted for good after another 5 or 6 months.

    For me, what ended up being true was that I was with the wrong guys. I needed to find guy who brought out the best in me, so that when I felt the urge to act toxic, I could ask myself if it was just me or if the guy was bringing it out in me with his behavior.

    You’re really wrapped up in dude. Try to hang out with some other cute guys. If this is going to work out with dude, you’ll need to have a completely different vibe. One that doesn’t scream control freak and insecurity.

    Because it brings out toxicity in you, you should actually be asking yourself if you want to be in a situation where you find yourself acting this way, feeling stressed and angry all the time. Not just “how can i get him back.”

    A bunch needs to shift for you so that you can find peace independent of this man.

  263.  #264Starla on January 18, 2012 at 8:04 pm

    BTW, emmie, i’m soooo sorry if i’m coming off as blunt or critical. It’s just the only way I know how to communicate concisely. Please know that I think you’re great, and the fact that you’re even here and seeing a therapist too about toxic behaviors means you are a good woman who is going to become an amazing siren quickly, and will make any guy very very lucky.

  264.  #265Starla on January 18, 2012 at 8:06 pm

    okay emmie, one more thing:) I felt so moved reading how you were feeling shaky just reading my comment. THAT is the good stuff yes yes yes!!! Keep sinking into your emotional and physical feelings…it is so transformative! You can guide yourself out of toxicity this way:) Riff on them here, if you like! Lord knows that half of us spam the blog anyway

  265.  #266T-Girl on January 18, 2012 at 8:07 pm

    I don’t think I will be able to catch up on the blog again…

    I spent the day in ER with my daughter. She has a fever, lower left back pain, dizziness and upset stomach. They ran tests for strep, kidney infection and bladder infection but everything came out negative except for a little calcification in her right kidney (but it is her left side that hurts). I am in a panic because we don’t know what is wrong with her.

  266.  #267Emmie on January 18, 2012 at 8:09 pm

    @ sensual

    Starla’s advice is amazing. I feel so good reading her comments! Thank you for your advice too, I think you’re right I need to be out there with other men in the meantime. I especially like the advice of “dont look for an outcome after the first meeting”. this feels very relaxed to me and slows my feelings down. its stops me from ‘expecting’ things.

    What does FWB mean? and may I ask why you ended it if you were feeling too deep??

  267.  #268Starla on January 18, 2012 at 8:14 pm

    wow tgirl that sounds just awful!! i’m so sorry you guys are going through that right now! What age is your daughter?

  268.  #269Emmie on January 18, 2012 at 8:14 pm

    @ starla.


    I love your honesty. And if that is how I look from a computer screen, imagine how I look to my ex!! Wake up call and ‘a-ha’ moment…!!

    Gee….i have a lot to think about now.

    Also- i have started looking into buddhism…and I am intrigued by this cognitive behavioural therapy. I shall start researching this now.

    I know I love to control things….i’ve had to the majority of my life, but i never take control of myself and my behaviour…

    actually a little speechless at the moment (NOT offended, just lost for words)

  269.  #270T-Girl on January 18, 2012 at 8:18 pm

    268 Starla – she is 13.

  270.  #271FlowerChild77 on January 18, 2012 at 8:20 pm

    Starla/#121 I wasn’t complaining or trying to tell anyone what to do by posting about the team names. I’m just reading through the posts now.

    I didn’t mean to make a big deal about it. Really…

  271.  #272tenny on January 18, 2012 at 8:21 pm


  272.  #273tenny on January 18, 2012 at 8:24 pm

    My prayers are with you and your daughter
    God will see you through this

  273.  #274Starla on January 18, 2012 at 8:27 pm

    FlowerChild, okay:). But I see your point from earlier, so I feel open to a better sounding/feeling name! I didn’t mean to make a big deal out of it either actually.

  274.  #275T-Girl on January 18, 2012 at 8:33 pm

    Thank you Tenny. A good sign is she just ate 2 pieces of toast and a mug of broth. This is the first she has eaten since yesterday.

  275.  #276sensual on January 18, 2012 at 8:36 pm

    @ emmie 267 FWB is friends with benefits, although it is much more than that with us bc he has told me he loves me many times and i’ve said i love you to him…. the problem is that he’s 25 and i’m 29 and he’s not able to give me what i want. also due to problems in our social circle with mutual friends it would cause a lot of issues if people knew, so i chose to accept this for what it is for now and just enjoy our time together when i am not dating anyone else…..he has said to me b4 “one day we will figure this out”……but anyway we were seeing too much of each other towards the end of last year and it was starting to feel like a relationship but then i felt like he was starting to push me away too so i ended things and we’ve had silence for about 3 weeks….but he’ll be back, he always comes back it’s just my decision what to do with it each time 🙂 .

  276.  #277FlowerChild77 on January 18, 2012 at 8:40 pm

    T-Girl…I will pray for your daughter. I know how hard it is to see them in pain and know something’s wrong.

  277.  #278Lush_Oasis on January 18, 2012 at 8:41 pm

    @253 Iama
    @254 Starla
    @ 256 Sweetpea
    @262 Emmie

    Oh my — I feel so overwhelmed with the instant feedback! You ladies rock! I feel honored to be a part of the siren island 🙂 Thank you for making me feel at home.


    My feet have a genetic deformity that misaligns the toes that is progressive and gets worse year over year. Surgery might help the issue, but the doctors state that the recovery time (6 mo+ for each foot) is not truly beneficial as the issue is likely to recur and make the surgery a moot point. Hmm. And, to make matters more complicated, the surgery may take away my mobility as for being able to hike and trail walk, and be active, etc etc. 🙁

    For years I have scoured the shoe stores for the “frumpy” shoes that aren’t cute and sexy and dainty and strappy and the “in-style”. And, you know, most of those ‘frumpy’ shoes don’t go well with the cute skirts, swimsuits, summer dresses, or shorts for the beach either. *UGH* I feel awkward wearing tennis shoes to the water. Duh. 🙂

    Yes, I have been teased for this in my past (by my ex, by grade school “friends”, etc.) and carry their taunts with me, I’m sure. But, even with or without their miseries attached to my self-image — I see it constantly on the beaches with the cute beach bunny hopping and giggling and what not .. and I feel like a frumpy housematron. Grr …

    Yes, I do believe that its a matter of getting over it — its not up to me to decide what other people think of XYZ … but it sure does feel better being pretty to get over XYZ issues, right?

    @256 Sweetpea — I appreciate your feedback. I haven’t used any of those products, but they sound refreshing and soft skin always feels nice and silky and makes me feel proud that I’m presenting an image of someone that likes to take care of herself 🙂

    @262 Emmie — I would find a bald siren to be attractive — way more appealing than my issue. There are many role models that have revealed their beautiful images (Sinead, Demi Moore (role as G.I. Jane) and many others as chemo / cancer survivors). I realize that chemo is totally not related to your condition and don’t want to feel like I’m drawing a comparison between the two. Just saying that bald is bold 🙂 I hope you don’t take that out of context — I didn’t mean any negativity … I’ve known many women that wear wigs (and they have hair — they just don’t want to take the time to care for what they have).

    Thanks, sirens, for your support. Iama — I should try working on the love-letter idea and see what becomes of it … 😉

  278.  #279Starla on January 18, 2012 at 8:41 pm

    T-girl, could she be experiencing reproductive pain???

    You don’t have to even respond to this, just want to throw that out there in case it’s been overlooked because of her age/general ignorance of many doctors that never think about women’s health.

  279.  #280T-Girl on January 18, 2012 at 8:45 pm

    Thank you so much Flowerchild.

    Starla – I thought that as well, but it doesn’t make sense with the nausa and fever. I’m sure I will be taking her back to the doctor in the next couple days so I will be sure and ask.

    Its been a long day. Good night all.

  280.  #281Starla on January 18, 2012 at 8:45 pm

    actually now that i think about it i’ve felt those symptoms very intensely as someone with PCOS.

    I am PMSing now and feeling feverish, have flare ups of infections, pain, intense nausea…

    I’m glad she ate something!!:) Hopefully she’ll be feeling better soon.

  281.  #282Emmie on January 18, 2012 at 8:50 pm

    @ T-Girl- my thoughts are with you x

    @ Starla- gosh, I am feeling very funny now…I just burst into tears because i realised I cant even learn something unless I know ‘why’ im learning it, what the outcome will be, and how it will benefit…thank you for opening my eyes. I have a lot to work on now. Honestly, I feel honoured by your insight.

  282.  #283Starla on January 18, 2012 at 8:54 pm

    Emmie, I’m so sorry if I’m coming off very strong! You and your situation just remind me sooo much of myself when I was 24, so I kind of feel like I’m telling my 24 year old self. If I could go back and shake myself and change things, I would. But, of course, I learned a lot, blah blah blah, etc..

    I put myself through a lot of needless pain. In the end it was a simple tweak, a little 10 degree shift and CLICK, everything’s good and happier than ever.

  283.  #284siren song on January 18, 2012 at 8:54 pm

    Re: feet, I have almost an extra little toe. I feel awkward showing it to people. I have a few things I feel insecure about physically and this is one of them.

  284.  #285siren song on January 18, 2012 at 8:55 pm

    T-girl, sorry to hear about your daughter. Hope she feels better soonr

  285.  #286Starla on January 18, 2012 at 9:08 pm

    282 Emmie, I am soooo glad that my own experience and suffering could help you.

    “I cant even learn something unless I know ‘why’ im learning it, what the outcome will be, and how it will benefit”

    That is an awesome self-protecting skill you’ve picked up along the way, probably as a little girl. If that resonates with you, hug that little girl and thank her for guarding the gate so fiercely, but that you don’t need to feel scared anymore so you set out some cookies for her to enjoy inside the house, and that you can take it from here.

  286.  #287Starla on January 18, 2012 at 9:13 pm

    Actually while we’re at it, hugging your inner little girl for being on duty protecting you, and thanking her and letting her know you can take it from here, is a great way to babystep your way into permanently distancing yourself from toxic patterns/behaviors.

    I’ve acted like a tremendous psycho to guys, to put it bluntly. Not once did I do it just to be evil. It was always my scared inner little girl in control. She just needed a lot of love, so now I give it to her, and I am in control now (and she can trust me to love us and protect us, so she doesn’t lash out defensively).

  287.  #288Emmie on January 18, 2012 at 9:16 pm

    @ sensual

    I have so many questions for you!

    I feel that you are a very strong woman!

    How do you feel not hearing from him for 3 weeks?

    How do you use rori’s tools with a FWB- eg: lean forward/lean back. feel messages. who contacts who first?

    How are you so sure he will be back?

    Do you still FWB when you are dating others? How do you differentiate between FWB and CD?

  288.  #289blue rose on January 18, 2012 at 9:16 pm

    moment of panic.

    i thought i was using a feeling message when i just wrote this to a guy i’m crazy about. i wish i could go back in time and delete it!!

    he asked for my number and i replied:

    “I’m sad you lost it 🙁 ” and left my number. oh god, i think i blamed him! i feel hot and embarassed and i feel like i just pushed him away!


  289.  #290Emmie on January 18, 2012 at 9:22 pm

    @ starla

    I love this inner girl visualisation. It makes me feel warm and comforted but at the same time as though I can kindly thank her and take over.
    I am really thinking about writing that message to J about the 12th…however I feel i’d like to put in some comments about how I am changing…but I feel confused that this could mean that I am either still trying to control the outcome or manipulate…or that I am leaning forward by semi-apologising…I also feel scared to completely wipe away the 12th, I would feel better if I wrote something about letting him decide if he’d like to keep the date as an option (but this feels like Im leaning forward again or trying to control)

    I feel so confused about when and where to use the methods- i will definitely have to start dating just to put them to practice for trial and error.

    What do you think would be the best thing to say if I am wanting to convey these feelings/thoughts??

    I feel selfish for asking so much, thank you for all your help, honestly!!

    I feel quite excited I am on this journey with all of you sirens

  290.  #291Starla on January 18, 2012 at 9:23 pm

    Re: feet and boats/jet skis, i wouldn’t want to be barefoot anyway, I’d wear watershoes to avoid stubbing my toes and scraping my feet. Type watershoes for women into amazon to start browsing for a cute style you like.

  291.  #292Turquoise on January 18, 2012 at 9:33 pm

    I don’t know what is wrong with my tonight… I just can’t focus, I’m reading the posts, but they aren’t sinking in, so I have no advice or support for anyone. I’m sorry, heading to bed….. later than I planned, but it’s been a long day.

    Thanks to the sirens who commented on my crystal heart post last night. Feels good to have something specific I want to work on within myself. I feel so blah tonight, and really not sure why, except that I feel tired.

    Goodnight sirens. I’ll be back in the morning.

  292.  #293Jilly on January 18, 2012 at 9:43 pm

    Well…it’s official…military man blocked me on Match!!!!!!

    yep…it’s true…I can’t believe it…yet I feel relieved to not be guessing…it feels so weird though..I wasn’t looking on his profile or anything…grrr…

    no more getting hung up on men!!!!!

  293.  #294Jilly on January 18, 2012 at 9:45 pm

    and that guy E who was so into me too and then I told him I don’t drive to men…he blocked me too 🙁 WTH?? I feel so vulnerable and sad…my feelings are hurt…like I never did anything to them…and I never even think to block anybody….so it seems so deliberate…

  294.  #295Starla on January 18, 2012 at 9:46 pm

    Emmie, I am getting hungry so I have to go for a bit, but there was one thing I wanted to respond to from your last comment –

    you’re asking yourself now if you’re unknowingly trying to control the outcome or manipulate. this shows you’re identifying your own patterns and questioning their automatic nature before proceeding. this is a wonderful sign, reason to feel super hopeful and sure that with commitment to a happier way of being, you will definitely get to where you want to be. I feel really excited for you and all the goodness that’s waiting for you.:):)

    For now, if you’re unsure what to do or if you should make a move or not when it comes to this man, just say “ok in 2 days I’ll decide.” When in doubt, delay your response as long as is reasonable, and literally feel your way through it before making a move.

    So maybe in 2 days you can ask yourself again, “should I call off the 12th? If so, do I leave the option there for him (see my take on this below**)? should I apologize sooner?”

    Maybe in 2 days you’ll have uncovered some feelings that were stuffed and hidden, and your perspective/needs will change, or you’ll feel even more confused, and you will have you answer, or you’ll say “okay, in 2 more days I’ll decide.”

    Just an idea for how to stop the cycle of control and urgency and slow it all down, and it’ll be uncomfortable at first but after even just a couple days it’ll actually feel like a huge relief from all the tension you were feeling.

    **my take on if you should leave the 12th an option to him: probably not, if you do call it off, you’ll tell him you’d be open to dating him, so no need to specify on what date at what place he had better make it known, lol, controlling. he need to feels like getting back with you is his idea all the way.

  295.  #296Daria on January 18, 2012 at 10:14 pm

    Just got back from CDs . Feeling sleepy.

    Worked out found magic in my stretching .

    Thanks Daria

  296.  #297Starla on January 18, 2012 at 10:21 pm

    Emmie, I want to say something about apologizing, too, since you’re wondering about whether or not to do it. I would consider what feels true to you about the following and it might bring you some more clarity to decide where you’re at right now.

    First, real apologies are not about masculine/feminine energy. They are about having humanity. Now that we’ve got that out of the way…

    Real apologies do not come with ties to expectations of outcome. So to answer your question, an “apology” *is* leaning forward when you do it with motive/agenda/expectations, like to win him back or to stop him from leaving forever or even just to get him talking to you. If you’re apologizing to save your ass or make something happen, you have some growing up to do.

    Apologize because you may have hurt his beautiful soul with how you acted, and because it occurred to you how much damage you may have caused, you want to tell him in hindsight that he didn’t deserve it. And for no other reason.

    You can always tell when someone is apologizing with an agenda, because if they apologize and you say thank you, that means a lot to me, but you don’t go back to 100% how things were before the incident right away because you need time to heal still, they will freak out on you and pressure you and make you out to be wrong and a bad friend or a bad romantic partner (essentially repeating the toxic behavior they’re apologizing for in the first place, very disheartening)…

    It’s okay if you’re not ready to apologize “for real,” too. You could just leave it alone, and tell him when you guys do start talking again that you noticed some of the ways you acted hurtful and difficult, and you feel bad knowing it could have hurt him when you care about him so much. I understand your fear about not wanting to “draw attention” to the problems right now (more control freaking, though, lol)

    Okay I am starting to feel rambling coming out of me, Emmie, so I’ll leave it with this – I still think you should wait a couple of days before making any moves or final decisions. You really need to deliberately feel all the feelings, see how you cycle through them, and just be really present with yourself. You’ve got to start cutting off the urgency impulse that you’ve been using to avoid your own feelings. 2 days. 2 measly days, oddly enough will feel like forever at first, but it’s really just 48 hours. basically a blink of an eye on a lifetime scale.

  297.  #298Silver Moonbeam on January 18, 2012 at 10:22 pm

    #77 Camille

    I have never heard that before either, thank you for sharing.

  298.  #299Starla on January 18, 2012 at 10:24 pm

    Jilly, that is so weird about those 2 guys blocking you.

    Are you sure they didn’t just block you so they wouldn’t hurt their chances with you, and what you might think if they have profiles up when they start expressing an interest in you?

    I bet plenty of women who meet guys they like from sites want the guys to take the profiles down on the 2nd or even 1st dates. Maybe they just figured it out to block the ones they like to avoid drama.

  299.  #300Starla on January 18, 2012 at 10:26 pm

    Hugs, Jilly, even if they did block you with no intentions of calling, thank goodness…NEXT


  300.  #301Silver Moonbeam on January 18, 2012 at 10:31 pm

    #115 Lillybelly

    {{{ HUGS }}}

  301.  #302Silver Moonbeam on January 18, 2012 at 10:51 pm

    @ Brenda

    If I put myself in Ryan’s shoes for a moment reading those texts from you to him, man I feel soooo much pressure and explaining and justifying.

    The other Sirens are right Bren, make your messages shorter lean way back and give him some space and room to breathe and hey who knows.

    “If you always do what you always did, you will always get what you always got and you will always feel what you have always felt.”

    How about another approach now you KNOW what to do the RR way, we are all here to support you, you know that.


  302.  #303Starla on January 18, 2012 at 10:56 pm

    I was just reading over some of my old comments on the last thread about climbing out of poverty, and about my mother, and it got me thinking now, “wow i really identify with my past.”

    i suddenly felt really inspired to ask myself, how would my financial situation and setbacks feel right now if they were exactly the same as they are now, but I had come from a loving upper middle class home instead?

    Well, they’d feel like pretty normal 27 year old college graduate finances.

  303.  #304Silver Moonbeam on January 18, 2012 at 11:01 pm

    Brenda also

    My sister, who is now happily married, when she was dating her husband had an approach we Brits call

    Softly, softly catchee monkey. 😀


    All done with a Siren like in the flow, no rowing the boat vibe.

  304.  #305Silver Moonbeam on January 18, 2012 at 11:03 pm

    I am sooo far behind on the blog, waiting to see how Lizka’s date went with P and whether she wore the high heels. 🙂

  305.  #306Silver Moonbeam on January 18, 2012 at 11:07 pm

    Jilly and LG

    Oh wow I do love Hawaii, I have been to Oahu 5 times now, not sure if I will ever get there again now I live back in the UK. 🙁

    I feel really sad and teary at that thought. Love the people, the places, the culure and the climate, oh and the shops of course and I have such wonderful memories……..sigh………..

  306.  #307Silver Moonbeam on January 18, 2012 at 11:17 pm

    #241 Iamabutterfly

    That was so sad yet lovely to read, I think you are healing as you write.

    {{{ HUGS }}}

  307.  #308Starla on January 18, 2012 at 11:17 pm

    The only thing making me feel bad is my perspective and how its anchored to a relative point in my past.

    How arbitrary. I wonder what else I’m feeling bad about is the result of other ultimately arbitrary reference points skewing my perspective. I like to be a bit more thoughtful about these things.

    Ohh I feel easier breathing now:)

    And it feels so good and safe to know that when I was suffering and feeling bad about this stuff with my finances and my ‘struggle’..and about my mom too…that people did care and show me compassion and comfort as much as they can, because that’s what happened here.

    I can feel my soundtrack changing tunes…it’s saying “you don’t actually even have to feel like you’re struggling, but when you do, people will be there for you”

    I think my soundtrack before was “your struggle is special but no one thinks you’re special enough to care about it”

    lol, what a mighty island i’ve been. what an angsty existence. What am i, 14?

    I’m gonna go hug my inner 14 year old, in her hip hugging extreme wide leg skater khakis, pink skate shoes, and yellow 3/4 sleeve top that showed off just a couple inches of belly, her hair in two buns like chun-li in street fighter, and go to bed. At that age, I was seriously hug deprived, and never had anyone putting their hand on my back to tell me everything was going to be okay when times got rough. No wonder I’m so mindlessly angsty, singing the tune of “mighty island.”

    Receiving support here (and also from some of the nice guys I’ve dated in the last 6 months, especially CF) has shown me that people will actually care about my pain if i’m suffering.

    Thanks for the space to process this tonight.


  308.  #309Silver Moonbeam on January 18, 2012 at 11:27 pm

    #246 Lush Oasis

    Why do you ponder if you should post here? You are as much entitled to as any other Siren.

    I have no idea what you can do to feel better about your feet, none of us are perfect, but what about a nice paraffin wax pedicure, you might not like them any better but at least they will look nice. 🙂 I have knobbly toes myself and once somebody told me that not only am I beautiful but I have beautiful feet too as he massaged them, I nearly choked as I have never liked my feet either tee hee. 😀

    You can’t have the wrong feet for the right man……..

  309.  #310Silver Moonbeam on January 18, 2012 at 11:31 pm

    #259 Flowerchild

    Oh I love that movie, it is one of my very favourites and I always cry too, I feel like crap at the time but I do think tears are such a good healer. I am so sorry to hear about the recent deaths in your family and the old lady who died of burns after the house fire is just too awful to think about. 🙁

    Sending some healing vibes your way.

  310.  #311Silver Moonbeam on January 18, 2012 at 11:40 pm

    #262 Emmie

    Oh you have made me cry so much reading your post and I so admire you for dealing with alopecia in this brave wonderful way. My son (who lives in Tasmania) has alopecia too, it started when he was 12 and he lost all of his body hair (universalis) and you have brought back so many suppressed memories for me in how he didn’t deal with it very well at the time.

    He is a older now (37) and would not wear a male wig and he has had concerns too about meeting people, but he hasn’t done too badly at all really and just before Christmas he moved in with his girlfriend and is ecstatically in love now so I am one happy mum. 🙂

    If somebody loves you they will love all of you. xxx

  311.  #312Silver Moonbeam on January 18, 2012 at 11:47 pm

    #278 Lush Oasis

    Oh I am sooo sorry for my post above, I just thought you had a poor body image issue with your feet not a genetic deformity.

    I apologise profusely for jumping in when I hadn’t read all of your posts.

  312.  #313sensual on January 18, 2012 at 11:50 pm

    @288 Emmie,

    i just got in from dinner. thank you for saying you feel i am a strong woman – that feels great! I do feel strong right now, that’s for sure. Partly maybe because I was the one who broke free and ended things…and i imagine how that must leave him feeling. Also i have other men around with perhaps more potential than him. In the past i may have continued to accept crumbs, but once things started feeling bad for me this time, I knew for my own healing and self esteem i should end it….simply ending it made me feel good too! Plus because of how much time we were spending together i knew after building such a strong bond he would feel the loss if i were to walk away…that’s why i know he’ll come back. also over the past year when we’ve had time together and then stopped seeing each other he’ll suddenly on a drunken night go crazy on me and send me like 50 text messages in one go telling me how much he misses me. Bless him he is only 25! and 50 texts is no exageration by the way! he’s done this a couple of times. I trust in our emotional bond and understanding of each other but i guess the difference between CD and FWB is because I am sleeping with him and i am not kidding myself that he can give me what i want right now. with a CD with potential i would not just give sex for free like this. I would date and only have sex when i feel confident that the relationship is progressing. this one with FWB can’t progress right now…maybe in a few years who knows, but i hope to be taken by then! Or maybe if he goes totally crazy for me, but i dunno he’s 25 and got things stopping him. but i made a choice to enjoy what we have anyway, coz i enjoy it…i still use rori’s tools though, i don’t contact him and i do use feeling messages and i do lean back, coz as much as i accept this situation is just for fun and enjoyment when i am not sleeping with anyone else, i also do have deep feelings for him and it just feels better when he’s chasing me!

    the 3 weeks with silence felt tough at first i was really missing him, but i’ve been CDing and have met a couple of older men with more potential, so now i feel much more relaxed about it…especially now that he contacted me.. (he has twice since we broke up actually, the first time was a couple of days afterwards to see how i was doing) i hope that helps!

  313.  #314Daria on January 19, 2012 at 12:00 am

    “Datz gud ta hear bt wat gt u feelin soo gud ya excitment wen yu txt damn near makin ma day good…so wur ya man mah”


    i want to copy this from a man and use it for me

    the excitement when you text damn near makin my day good

  314.  #315Silver Moonbeam on January 19, 2012 at 12:01 am


    How do you know these 2 men have blocked you?

    Do you know for sure this is true?

    Maybe they have both taken down their profiles to stand a better chance with your Sireny self?

  315.  #316Silver Moonbeam on January 19, 2012 at 12:04 am

    #289 Blue Rose

    Well I am no expert here but it seems to be OK what you said in your text:

    “I’m sad you lost it” – Feeling message?

    and left my number – an invitation for him to contact you?

    Baby steps remember, when you get all tense and beat up on yourself for not doing things the “correct” RR way what I do is remind myself of what I would have said and done in the past………….you are improving yes?

  316.  #317Brenda on January 19, 2012 at 12:10 am

    Silver Moonbeam,

    RE: #302 – Ok, thank you. We are texting tonight, and it is going well.

  317.  #318Daria on January 19, 2012 at 12:14 am

    Flower Child –

    “I just said I was sorry and asked him what he had for dinner. ”

    oops 🙁 stuffing and overfunctioning behavior. which leads to inner resentment …


    “This just confirms why I feel that I can’t talk to him about anything. ”

    bad feeling thoughts about him and what he’s offering.

    Im writing this so you can see your pattern and shift it.

    once you do something different to the stuffing – really sink in and say the truth

    (maybe here “ouch that feels awful. im feeling misunderstood and i feel so sad already and that just feels awful. WAAAH”)

    everything will shift. you will be able to stay open to him and the thoughts that you’re not getting what you want and the blame on him and the doomy stuff … just kinda melts away…

  318.  #319Daria on January 19, 2012 at 12:18 am

    wow Starla i feel really impressed with your style of writing on these posts. i feel almost teary . daria = impressed that Starla = genius

  319.  #320Silver Moonbeam on January 19, 2012 at 12:18 am

    #317 Brenda

    Softly, softly catchee monkey. 🙂

  320.  #321Brenda on January 19, 2012 at 12:25 am

    Lush Oasis,

    RE: #246 – About your feet, I struggle, too. I have toenail fungus, and my toenails look horrible. I have trouble with almost constant skin peeling on the bottoms of my feet, especially along my heels. And to top it off, I wear a women’s size 12/men’s size 10.5/ European size 43. A pedicure helps, but it doesn’t completely hide it.

    Not sure exactly what is your specific issue with the appearance of your feet, and it doesn’t matter. What matters is to acknowledge that no one is perfect. I am way overweight and have a large scar under my rib from my gall bladder being removed.

    What matters is what is in your heart. And the right man will be mature enough to look beyond appearances to your heart. You know, most of those foot models in ads have had their pictures airbrushed anyway. Few people have perfect feet.

    Here is how I deal with my insecurities. When my feet are exposed or my body is exposed, I simply state, “I feel self-conscious.” Just stating that releases some of my fear around that.

    I have also reasoned, “Is this something I can change?” In this case, yes, it is, over time. I can consistently use things on my feet and toes that will fight fungus. I can work on eating right and exercising to lose weight. So as long as I am working on it, as best I can, I refuse to let myself feel down over my appearance.

    Just to give you an idea, last summer I swam all summer in a neighbor’s pool when I stayed with the family from my church. I felt self-conscious being seen in a swim suit at my size, especially when the lady’s husband was around. But I wasn’t going to let it keep me from getting the exercise and enjoyment I needed in swimming. So I just presented myself “as is”.

    The lady noticed that I was comfortable in my skin, and she applauded me for that.

    Like the music artists, Savage Garden, say in a song, “I believe beauty magazines promote low self esteem.”

    Have you seen the movie, Shallow Hal? I highly recommend it. Its whole topic is about accepting yourself with differences, from overweight to burn scars to growths to spinal bifida.

    Just play the hand you’re dealt! Especially if it is something you can’t change.

  321.  #322Brenda on January 19, 2012 at 12:27 am

    Silver Moonbeam,

    RE: #320 – LOL, that sounds strange. But I understand. And thank you! Yes.

  322.  #323Brenda on January 19, 2012 at 12:30 am


    RE: #314 – LOL! That’s cute!

  323.  #324Brenda on January 19, 2012 at 12:35 am

    Lush Oasis,

    RE: #246 – You said, “I feel totally cared for, wanted, adored and cherished [any number of positive emotions here] by him in my dream and one of my dearest relatives (RIP) was visiting with me and I got their blessings of approval of taCD(!!!) OMG … yay!?! ”

    Cool! Yes, I believe in dreams, prophecies, and visions! And I have had one three years ago in relation to Ryan being my husband!

    Hang on to it, girl! It’ll give you strength in the hard times! Awesome!!!!

  324.  #325Brenda on January 19, 2012 at 12:42 am

    Lush Oasis,

    Re: #246 – I am glad you opened up to us, and I hope you do so more and more. Rori said she gave us this blog primarily as a place to process our feelings as we gain inner healing, etc. It is a place for us to practice feeling messages, also.

    I am taking full advantage of this privilege! It is the only place of its kind that I know of! Rori is so unique in her approach, and this is a place of healing. I just love the collaboration here with other women! And it so helps me to get my thoughts and feelings out of the murky place inside, to see them in black and white, AND to get fabulous feedback from beautiful, caring women all over the world!

    Love to all of you! Brenda

  325.  #326Brenda on January 19, 2012 at 12:44 am

    Seems like everyone’s gone to bed. You’d think I lived in Australia or something, where it is currently 6:45 pm on Friday! LOL! Hi there, Butterfly Wings!

  326.  #327Emmie on January 19, 2012 at 12:48 am

    @ brenda
    its 7.48pm thursday night here in Oz lol!!

  327.  #328Brenda on January 19, 2012 at 1:01 am

    Cool! I want to go to Australia!!!!!!

  328.  #329Silver Moonbeam on January 19, 2012 at 1:02 am

    And it’s 9.00am here in rainy old London town and I am off to work.

    Laters Sirens. 🙂

  329.  #330Daria on January 19, 2012 at 1:20 am

    im so deep and cool!

  330.  #331Daria on January 19, 2012 at 1:22 am

    its 1:21 here… im feeling good and excited anda lil sad about buzzing in my head

    i feel so warm in my chest and feel exhuberant and safe adn homey with my cat’s breathing in his sleep here in a golden pile

  331.  #332Daria on January 19, 2012 at 1:22 am

    i havea gold kitty

  332.  #333Tamtam on January 19, 2012 at 1:31 am

    So how about that: after 3 years of being single and meeting many men, I finally find a ‘Mr Right’ 3 months ago. It develops slowly (at first I found him a little boring), and he is a very communicative, loving and caring person. Divorced a year ago, two kids, and somewhat a very good albeit overfunctioning father (they are allowed to do anything until whichever time at night, get anything they want – but it seems to work ok).
    We have a wonderful time, he tells me he loves me within four weeks and says he would have no problem marrying me (too soon to say these things?).
    He constantly tells me how beautiful I am, he steps up, he takes charge, he initiates everything, I lean back. He even visited me in Germany for a few days – and again we had a lovely time. It felt so good to be with him, so right and easy. I felt loved, cared for and worshipped by this man. He said I filled the void in his life.
    Right now, I had to be in Germany for a few weeks, and he is in the US, and we were looking forward to being together again….then we have an email argument over something stupid, and yes, I was 80% at fault (he triggered me by saying that I can never understand a parent as I am not one, and that the only true love is that between a parent and a child. I got upset about that). However, I quickly apologised and hoped that as he had said he ‘loves me forever’, things would be back on track. I heard nothing back, he does not even call me. 3 days later he says ‘have a nice life, you’re a good person’.
    I could not believe it and dug a bit deeper, and finally he said that after the argument, he thought I resembled his ex wife (whom he made out to be mentally unstable), and that the love is now gone (within three days), and we must ‘let go and move on’. I could not believe it was the same person.
    The lovely, communicative man, who was stepping up and I was sure he could be ‘the one’ – I had not met someone like that in 10 years, possibly ever (I am 36) just dropped me like a hot potato. He said he just wants happiness in his life and no arguments ever, no confrontations, as he had that for many years. He said I destroyed everything.
    How to recover from that when I have lost trust in the word ‘love’ and when I don’t even seem to be able to keep a ‘Mr Right’? I am devastated. Or do you girls think he was a toxic man in disguise, not over his divorce. He did talk a lot about his ex wife and she only lives around the corner so they can share the kids.
    I try to be nice to myself and wonder if his ‘love’ for me was ever real, as it only took one argument to wipe it all out and send him on a search for someone else. I thought what we had was real, and that he was more in love with me than me with him… I am totally crushed.
    What do you ladies think has happened here…was that Mr Right who got away or was he Mr Wrong? I don’t think I’ll ever hear from him again, is this not strange for someone who said they ‘loved you forever’…I am confused!!! Thank you!!

  333.  #334Tamtam on January 19, 2012 at 1:38 am

    I must also say that he had already met my parents in Germany, called them ‘in-laws’, they loved him and he loved them…it was all so smooth. Too smooth perhaps? Should I have seen it coming?

  334.  #335Daria on January 19, 2012 at 2:21 am

    i have visions of my parents coming in and hitting me with their fist

    i feel guilty and responsible for this

    this didnt happen’
    this is a vision fo right now that my mind is threatening me with


    i feel guilty for doing something and hiding it from them

    and i am close to them

    i want to not feel guilty about my privacy

    i LIKE my privavy

    i want privacy too
    along with closeness



  335.  #336Daria on January 19, 2012 at 2:24 am

    even tho i dont deserve to feel good right now cuz i am a bad girl dishonest girl

    i love myself

  336.  #337Daria on January 19, 2012 at 2:25 am

    um k cd called and hung up

    i was feeling excited
    to talk to him


    i feel a bit sad

    i noticed this happens often and its nothing to be alarmed about

    this sad feeling


    more EFT on chakras now

    ok he calls

  337.  #338Femininewoman on January 19, 2012 at 2:49 am

    FlowerChild from what you wrote I believe your timing with the question was all that was wrong. He took what you said personally. He did not know what to do to fix it for you. Then you asked him if he was angry. The timing was off. It might have been best to just let him know you were in a meltdown due to all the loss over the last year. The story about the fire was traumatic, I just can’t imagine. He might have unconsciously felt that you wanted him to take care of all those feelings. He just can’t and it will reduce his feeling of masculinity as he realizes that he can’t fix it for you. The question could even have suggested that you already decided that he did not care about your feelings you just never know. Can you see how it was focussed on him rather than on you? He wants you to take care of you is what I took away from that. My thinking is that you should have just thanked him for listening. Maybe even just started the conversation telling him that you are in a stew of emotions that you are going to share and that he does not have to feel responsible for doing anything about, you just want him to listen. Then thank him for listening. I have a man in my life who would have said I will call you back. Then days later, I would still be waiting for the call.

  338.  #339Daria on January 19, 2012 at 3:49 am

    sooo i kinda told a CD i feel turned off when a man doesnt make plans the first time we talk

    and he made plans

    and then i felt all unsettled

    and now im like ok i can receive

    i just said how i feel

    i didnt make him do it

    mmm mmm


    so cool

    i say i dont want it

    he does it


    i Like this!

    its all his moves

    the more im real

    the more he can please me

  339.  #340Butterfly Wings on January 19, 2012 at 4:10 am

    Love this post and it’s soooo true because I can so totally relate!

    It was up to me to decide if I wanted TH in my life as he was, and to walk away if I didn’t. He was who he was – he wasn’t “wrong”…

    Wow I think I’m a whole two posts behind! Eeek! I’ve been sooo busy it’s ridiculous!

    So… here’s an update on what happens when one applies Rori’s tools:

    Since the night when I decided to lean back and open my heart right up and when I chose to trust TH 100%, things have gotten better and better. Rori’s tools WORK! OMG!!!

    I feel us growing closer and closer and almost every moment we’re together outside of work. It’s great! And he seems to be opening up more and more – I can feel his wall coming down. And all since I stopped trying to break it down!

    Wow, I didn’t realise how controlling I was and manipulative! But he wasn’t buying it! Lol. I must say I’m much more relaxed these days! 🙂

    I travelled alone interstate last weekend too, so although I missed him terribly, it was nice to do my own thing – and he dropped me off and picked me up from the airport which was great. 🙂

    The day after I got back we visited his very sick mother who runs an animal refuge and we spent a night and part of a morning feeding the orphaned and injured animals. It was a wonderful experience and I was able to get up close and personal with many beautiful wild animals. I felt like I was working in the zoo! Loved it!

    He’s going back there this weekend with his sister but I have my girls and there won’t be room in the car, but I’m totally ok with that. Will be a good opportunity for me and my girls to have some “alone” time!

    Not much else happening here – I’m just enjoying each day and not really looking into the future. That’s helped me too. And so has the fact that I’ve pushed my “need” to have our “relationship” labelled. His sister and friends refer to me as his gf, we’re practically living together (yes, I know probably not a good idea in some circumstances), we’re exclusive and I think we’re committed to. Well… I am. And he’s definitely not going anywhere, so I’m just going to relax and assume that everything is as it should be!

    Love to you all and I’ll try to catch up over the next couple of days.


    I think that palm reader was right – I have absolutely NOTHING to worry about right now. 🙂

  340.  #341Lizka on January 19, 2012 at 4:59 am

    Today, I plan to plan to practice a huge blend of all the siren’s tools. I want to be super sireny so I feel super confident for tonight (TONIGHT!!!)’s date with P!!

    -Eyes contact with everyone
    -Leaning back position with everyone
    -Not talking to fill the silence
    -Listenig at level 2
    -Feelings in my pelvis

    What else???

  341.  #342Lizka on January 19, 2012 at 5:01 am

    Hi Butterfly Wings!! Long time!! 🙂

  342.  #343Lizka on January 19, 2012 at 5:07 am

    Oh BW just finished reading your post!

    I feel so happy that things are doing great with TH! Wow your story feels good to read!

    And I feel inspired too. Whatever P has to tell me tonight, I want to choose to trust him 100%, even with his thousands of female friends. Yes I will trust him. 🙂

  343.  #344Lizka on January 19, 2012 at 5:25 am

    Oh! Just realize that I’m getting really good at eyes contact. Just did it with a guy in the metro and it lasted way more than 5 secods! And the guy seem so surprise that Icould handle his look on me! And so surprised to have such a siren like me in front of him! Like “wtf is a siren doing in the metro? Shouldn’t she be playing in the waves or tanning on a beach somewhere down south?” hehe

  344.  #345mali on January 19, 2012 at 5:56 am

    I’m thinking of stopping CD-ing online…

    I was discussing it with a friend, and I know it’s meant to be a way of practising the tools, but I can’t see myself getting into a relationship with someone who isn’t Muslim for one thing.

    It feels scary. Like, part of me feels closed off to getting into a relationship with these guys already, because… *sigh* I don’t know. It wouldn’t work long term anyway, especially with family things.

    I know it’s not serious, but what if these guys want to commit? I’ll most likely turn around and say I don’t want to, and they’ll ask why I’ve been dating them if I saw no potential future?!

    Argh… I’m feeling confused.

    Not to mention how attached and hung up I became on MedCD… I obsessed… and I have assignments to do. I don’t want to sacrifice my grades for a guy I may not be able to stop thinking about.

    Who I haven’t even met.


    So confused… any thoughts?

  345.  #346Femininewoman on January 19, 2012 at 5:56 am

    Welcome back BW. Been missing you.

  346.  #347Femininewoman on January 19, 2012 at 5:59 am

    Mali don’t think of using it to get into a relationship. I use it to practice the tools. As Rori suggests think of it as being in one of your classes, Love 101. That way you get to learn how men operate, the patterns you use to relate to men, the kinds of things that trigger you. I believe you can be open with the guys and just let them know that you are just dating as a way of connecting and meeting new people. Even if you don’t go out on actual dates you can use it as a ground to practice feeling messages to see how different men respond to them and to build your competence in using them.

  347.  #348Femininewoman on January 19, 2012 at 6:16 am

    FlowerChild I was listening again to Disc 4 of Rori’s Reconnect and trying to see it through the comments you made earlier and this is my take. I might be wrong but I am sharing my perception her.

    You might be anxious and as she puts it anxiety is one of the lids we put on our anger. She encourages us to ask ourselves what am I angry at rather than reaching out when we feel the urge to call and text.

    Next I thought you were being a “cactus” during the conversation. You shared how you were feeling and instead of saying something to get him to cherish your feelings you ask him if he was mad. Kind of suggesting to him that you expect him to be mad at you for sharing your feelings rather than expecting him to cherish your feelings. It also seems to me like you were more concerned with his feelings rather than yours so you switched to the “nice girl” asking him if he was mad He, in my mind, became

    Putting myself in your shoes and trying to work through it from this perspective I thought maybe at the start he asked you what was wrong. Tell him that I am having a meltdown of a whole mix of emotions. I feel like a silly little girl crying about all the stuff that happened in the past and that I wish that he was here to just hold me so I could melt into his strength but it would make me happy if he would listen while I talk and that I am not expecting him to fix anything for me. Then tell him all that is going on in my heart. When done tell him how I feel having been able to let it all out and thank him for listening.

    Maybe letting go of any concern about him and how he feels could help you switch your consciousness? Do you have a dream of how you would feel if everything was okay in your life? Maybe share that or maybe something like when you mediate how you think about all the cares of world just drifting away from you on stream and leaving you feeling blissfully light and happy.

    These are just my thoughts about how you might be able to change your pattern of relating to him.

  348.  #349Femininewoman on January 19, 2012 at 6:23 am

    Brenda I have a toenail that was turning black. Then there was a rash that kept coming up which I had gotten from my niece. Dominique suggested that it might be a fungus and that I should soak garlic in olive oil for about 3 weeks. Then use it for six months on the rash. I did that and I also bought some fungus cream in a health food store. I used it on the rash and it dried up while the garlic was soaking. I have been using the cream and the oil alternately during the day on my feet also. The toe nail that has been black for years has started to change back to normal. A little over half of the nail is normal now and a small part is still black but you can see the change.

    I don’t know if this story will help but it might be worth a try for your feet if you soak the garlic in oil and use it on them. Garlic is very healing.

  349.  #350blue rose on January 19, 2012 at 6:33 am

    #316: Silver Moonbeam

    Thank you, i needed that reassurance. and yes, i am improving 🙂 the first draft of the email was angry and indignant. then i thought about it for a while and realized what i really felt was sad.

    i’m so glad i have you guys.

  350.  #351Femininewoman on January 19, 2012 at 6:38 am

    Brenda I don’t mean to burst your bubble again but I have been wanting to say something about that prophecy so here goes. I don’t know who said that but I have to admit that I have experienced that kind of thing more than once in people’s lives only to find out that nothing happened. I believe that is the word you are hanging onto that has created some of the turmoil around Ryan. As Rori suggests what if for just a moment you could open up to the possibility of your life being a whole lot more than just about this relationship? What if that “prophet” was wrong? Would you be able to free up your energy to so that God could truly help you?

    Some many of us have authority figures say things to us that we walk around with for years as if it is what should guide ourselves rather than our own faith in ourselves or the higher power that we believe in. I believe that many times these people, and they are just humans like us, get caught up in the emotion of the moment. They look at people and sense the need in their lives and speak to the need. The person to whom they speak unfortunately get caught up in the moment also and diefy the authority figures. I was not there when this happened to you but I can tell you stories of people that similar things have happened to and they ended up making decisions that have practically caused them their lives. All I am saying is consider letting go of this word because it might be one of the reasons that you feel you can pour your love all over Ryan and focus all of your energy on him even though it might be literally pushing him further and further away from you. I am concerned that this might come across as me trying to convince you but I appeal to you to just think about it rather than reject it by saying “I do not receive this”. Changing to receiving could help to shift things in your mind.

    Sorry if I trigger you with this but if it does I can only hope that the trigger could help jettison the healing process.

  351.  #352Femininewoman on January 19, 2012 at 6:41 am

    Jilly I like what Goodheart said in 206 about military man falling in the 1% percent. If you remember in Reconnect Rori suggests that we tend to want what we can’t have. It is like a challenge for us and we have to get it. Same like the guys.

  352.  #353Femininewoman on January 19, 2012 at 6:52 am

    RE 297 Wow Starla this feel so calm and strong. So unlike your former self when you used to post under the other name.

  353.  #354Femininewoman on January 19, 2012 at 7:01 am

    T-Girl just in case you see this I would have her checked for appendicitis. I know the appendix is on the right side but I would have it checked if I were you. All the best to you both.

  354.  #355Lizka on January 19, 2012 at 7:08 am

    Hum… I know the date with P is confirmed. He haven’t say “we could meet on Thursday after work” or “we should” or whatever. He said “see you Thursday!” and I said “ok, it’s in my agenda, just waiting for you to let me knpw where you wanna meet”

    And the date is tonight and I still don’t know where. I know it’s “after work” so it’s at 5 pm… But I feel anxious. What if he forgot? He use to forgot a lot about those things… But at that time, it was me who was initiating the dates. Since he did it this time, it should be different…

  355.  #356Jilly on January 19, 2012 at 7:09 am

    Starla and FW…thank you for the responses 🙂

    After sleeping I am feeling much better about things…

    I am wondering what was it that made me see him as so amazing…I don’t feel like I’m empty and starving for love and affection and attention…but it would seem like it the way I responded to him. Yes…I feel afraid that I will have to settle because I want someone like him…(him in my head) because I really don’t know him…I keep trying to remind myself of that.

    Starla…yes I am making up “better” stories of why they would do that…like…”they don’t want me to see them on line” or something…but yes..NEXT…I wonder what I did to evoke such a response…or if it was even me at all…

  356.  #357Lizka on January 19, 2012 at 7:09 am

    Ahhhh I feel stressed that he won’t contact me to tell me the place!!!!!

  357.  #358Jilly on January 19, 2012 at 7:10 am

    Lizka…I feel excited for you…I know that feeling of uncertainty when they don’t set firm plans…uggg…

  358.  #359Jilly on January 19, 2012 at 7:14 am


    I feel like I want to shut down so that I never get hung up on a man like that again…that felt horrible!

    But that’s the beauty of it all isn’t it? To be able to feel all those feelings…

    Abraham said that “we came here to want him, and that the wanting feels so good”

    yes…I see that…

    What I really want is to stay open, soft, authentic and warm…and vulnerable…achhh…scary

  359.  #360Iamabutterfly on January 19, 2012 at 7:15 am

    # 307 Silver Moonbeam – Thank you. I feel scared, in a way, that it won’t ever heal completely. It’s been YEARS. I love myself NOW. I love everything I went through, because without that experience, I would be far less humble, compassionate, forgiving, and searching. I feel hopeful that the next time I fall in love, it will feel even more intense. I know it will definitely feel more meaningful, and that I won’t take it for granted. The next time I fall in love, I WILL know what I’m doing. No, not what I’m DOING, but I will know what I’m FEELING. I will let myself FEEL. And as I FEEL, my heart will HEAL.

    Right now, I feel…addicted to this blog. 🙂

    I also feel hungry…for some really good pizza. With fresh, oven-baked garlic on top. The crust brushed in olive oil. With spinach, tomatoes, and bubbling mozzarella cheese.

  360.  #361Femininewoman on January 19, 2012 at 7:15 am

    Lizka in Reconnect your Relationship Rori says to think of a woman with high self-esteem. Do you think she would be worried if a man does not call her to confirm plans or reach out to her? Do you think she would feel stressed if does not contact her to tell her the place?

  361.  #362Femininewoman on January 19, 2012 at 7:18 am

    Jilly you are attracted to what you are attracted to. There is no logic about it. Maybe he was there to help you clarify some of the qualities you are attracted to in a man? To help you see how your brain works when you are attracted? To help you see that your tendency is towards anxiety when you are standing outside the candy store looking in and noone will help you get any of the candy?

  362.  #363Starla on January 19, 2012 at 7:19 am

    Thank you, FW:)

  363.  #364Femininewoman on January 19, 2012 at 7:25 am

    RE 293 Jilly he might have experienced you as a woman with high degree of difficulty and don’t want to put in the work? I am sure he knows he has options and might just be in a space where all he is interested in is fun going out on dates with many women? Who knows.

    RE 294 Same thing here. The other thing that crossed my mind is “I wonder if these are guys who punish when they don’t have their way”? Some are still like 2 year olds who pack up their toys and leave the playground if you are not playing their way. My way or the high way kind of thinking. As far as I am concerned they are weeding themselves out. They are likely conscious that you are a woman who knows what you are about.

  364.  #365Jilly on January 19, 2012 at 7:26 am

    FW…I love that!! lol

    yes…I do tend towards anxiety…when the candy is inside and I’m outside lol

    But wait…I AM the candy…so what the hell am I doing? I am the yumminess

    k one last thing…I won’t do this anymore..BUT I just went on match to “make sure” that I was really blocked…and he unblocked me… I am feeling so much better about that…even if there is NO more contact between us…for someone reason it just feels better NOT to be blocked…being blocked feels like knife in my heart…like total outcast…feels icky and cold and stoney …

  365.  #366Camille on January 19, 2012 at 7:27 am

    Im so sorry if my post felt bad to hear. My intention was not to make you feel bad. I only am left wondering that because I have been in a situation similiar where my emotions were overwhelming T and my demanding that he talk through it with me was too difficult for him at the time. He kept asking me kindly and stating kindly that he could not be supportive (at that specific time). He then said why wont you respect my wishes. I dont want to be an a$$ and say something cruel so you will leave me alone for a while.

    So I was left wondering why you dont repect him in that context. And remember Rori says “No” means no and you have to take that for an answer.

    I was trying to give you a different perspective, because when were in it and feeling overwhelmed with emotion we dont see clearly sometimes.

    Since then Ive learned if he asks even subtley for me to give him a break “some relief” from the intensity….he always comes to me very loving.

    Just wanted you to have the positive experience of respecting his wishes even if its not what you want at a certain time.

    Hugs……dont ever want to make you feel bad.

  366.  #367Femininewoman on January 19, 2012 at 7:30 am

    RE 357 Jilly is the thought “hung up on him” really true? How about dates were you on?

    I see it as your body showing you what turns it on and you paying attention to your body. I believe it is great to notice what turns you on. It is how you react to the turn on is the next project. Do you reach out to grab the man and drag him towards you? Or do you turn your attention to yourself and revel in the turned onness? I ask Jilly because I am learning to become comfortable in my skin with those things. I am practicing being brave even with the guys at work that I talk to good enough. I tell them that I feel their sexaul energy and that I feel good in their presence. Sometimes they laugh at me and I just tell I know, I am silly. They love it though. There are 3 of them that I can do that with.

  367.  #368Jilly on January 19, 2012 at 7:31 am

    FW…I am feeling the TRUTH of your words…thank you…

    yes…that’s what it feels like…a little kid not getting his way (E) especially…I AM a woman of a high degree of difficulty…even if I feel week and anxious sometimes…I still stick to my boundaries 🙂

    I feel happy about that 🙂 I take care of me in that way…that feels amazing and that I really love myself and am healing. I feel soft and melty and smiley knowing that even when I feel in the soup I don’t lean forward in physical actions.

  368.  #369Femininewoman on January 19, 2012 at 7:33 am

    Camille I believe is an indication of emotional flooding. He is aware of when he gets flooded so he asks for the break some men don’t know how to handle it. We bond using words and when we are not using our intuition we can’t tell with the other person gets flooded. This is a concept I learned from John Gottman so now I pay attention to people’s body language as well as their words.

  369.  #370Jilly on January 19, 2012 at 7:34 am

    FW I love that too…it’s ok to feel so turned on by a man…just by looking at him…that feels relieving and like I can breathe

    hmmm..yes..yummy…and then I can turn it towards me…how attractive! I don’t have to energetically reach and grab towards him…

  370.  #371Femininewoman on January 19, 2012 at 7:35 am

    RE 366 Jilly sounds like positive effects from cdating.

  371.  #372lk on January 19, 2012 at 7:37 am

    Vajrayoginī (Sanskrit: Vajrayoginī; Tibetan: ‘རྡོ་རྗེ་རྣལ་འབྱོར་མ་’, Dorje Naljorma Wylie: Rdo rje rnal ’byor ma; Mongolian: Огторгуйд Одогч, Нархажид, Chinese: 瑜伽空行母 Yújiā kōngxíngmǔ) is the Vajra yoginī, literally ‘the diamond female yogi’. She is a Highest Yoga Tantra Yidam (Skt. Iṣṭha-deva(tā)), and her practice includes methods for preventing ordinary death, intermediate state (bardo) and rebirth (by transforming them into paths to enlightenment), and for transforming all mundane daily experiences into higher spiritual paths.

  372.  #373Camille on January 19, 2012 at 7:47 am

    Feminine Woman,
    Oh yes absolutely…..The situation I was describing was over a year ago and I too have learned that it was emotional flooding. He was always very kind when he tried to express that to me, but I would keep pushing. I dont do that anymore thanks to growth. I dont flood him anymore ever.

    Thats one thing I have remedied.

    I just felt reminded of doing that to T when I read Brenda’s exchange with Ryan.

  373.  #374Femininewoman on January 19, 2012 at 7:49 am

    Yayy to you Camille.

  374.  #375Camille on January 19, 2012 at 7:50 am

    Feminine Woman,
    Why does John Gottman sound so familiar to me?

  375.  #376Lizka on January 19, 2012 at 7:50 am

    Thank you FW and Jilly!

    Yes, I have high self esteemed. He will not forget to confirm the place. Laughing CD just texted me to confirmed tomorrow’s plan, why does P wouldn’t do so!?:)

  376.  #377Camille on January 19, 2012 at 7:53 am

    Did he do an interview with CC?

  377.  #378lk on January 19, 2012 at 7:55 am

    thank you, lk, for asking for help. now everything is going well : )

    i want to be the diamond female – i want to be the diamond in ice & i invite all suns to illuminate me

    the melted ice queen : ) the sun is the lion

    i have my own lion & i attract lions : ))) yummy

  378.  #379Femininewoman on January 19, 2012 at 7:56 am

    If he did I don’t have the interview. I have seen some of his programs in a Relationship class at church and I have also read a lot of his writing – books I borrowed from the library.

  379.  #380Camille on January 19, 2012 at 7:56 am

    Im still thinking of how I resolved “emotional flooding” and I remember I read something that really resonated with me at the time.

    I would get triggered “waiting” for T to come to me. But I read somewhere that “patience” was actually an act of love. For ourselves and others. I started practicing more patience. It resulted in a multitude of blessings for me.

    Previously I felt like patience was me giving or sacrificing what I wanted (right now!)

    When I viewed it as an act of love to myself and others something shifted.

  380.  #381Camille on January 19, 2012 at 8:10 am

    Patience and filling my time with things I loved. So the patience and the space was “authentic” and not just me “waiting” ready to burst.

  381.  #382Goodheart on January 19, 2012 at 8:27 am

    Sweetpea, thank you (#233) – & it’s true, I do trip over absolutely nothing! I decided to embrace this & even put it on my “what’s adorable about me” list. Seems once I start to love quirky things about myself others do too – my bf finds my klutzyness endearing 🙂 Makes him laugh all the time. Which brings me to:

    Lush Oasis – love your feet. They take you to wherever you want to go. What would you do without them? When I was about 22 my sister one day looked down at my sandal-clad feet in the middle of a parking lot with a couple of male friends with us & she burst out laughing, pointed down at my feet & said loudly, “What is wrong with your feet?” I had no idea what she was talking about until she pointed at my bunions (which aren’t even very prominent) & then proceeded to compare my feet to hers & say how pretty & perfect her own feet were.

    Well that started the self-consciousness about my feet that lasted for quite a few years until I realized that this was my sister’s issue & NOT mine. I had never had a problem with my feet before that incident. So I decided to love my feet. And I actually see them as quite beautiful now.

    Shortly after I started dating my bf, I was putting on sandals & I said outloud, I have pretty feet! He came over & took one in his hands & said, “yes, you do. And I’m so glad you like your feet. There are so many girls out there who self-conscious about theirs.” I just smiled. Wow! It is all about what we believe about ourselves. It really really is.

    I have pretty feet.

    I have pretty feet.

    I have pretty feet.

    And big breasts (still working on that one! heehee :-))

  382.  #383Camille on January 19, 2012 at 8:30 am

    You really must go see the movie…..Happythankyoumoreplease!

  383.  #384Lush_Oasis on January 19, 2012 at 8:31 am

    @ Silver Moonbeam #309, 312
    @ Brenda #321, 324, 325

    {{ }} Thanks, sirens!

    Silver Moonbeam – the parafin wax treat sounds divine – but my image perception issue makes me feel *so* much angst that I have never desired to have a mani / pedi or foot massages or anything of the sort.

    I mean, it seems rather foolish to admit, but even for my friends nowadays that have get-togethers at their home … if I know they are the type of host that prefer guests to remove their shoes at the doorway then I typically choose not to visit them. :/ ugh!

    Brenda, I read something on Yahoo! once about Vicks Vapor Rub and the many different ‘non-normal’ uses for it. Have you seen the article by chance? I don’t remember what it said word-for-word, but I remember that one of the “non-normal” benefits of using the product was to eliminate the nail fungus.

    … something to the effect that you apply the product to the sick nail; cover the nail overnight (socks or something I suppose) and repeat for about a week (though I’m randomly picking a time frame here for not remembering the article). Seems the ingredients in the Vicks Vapor Rub will kill the fungus and the new nail will appear and be healthy and pretty and and and and and … *yay*!

    Suppose if you can handle the strong vapors for a couple nights then the benefits are worth it! 🙂

    taCD is still not feeling well. I feel distant and disconnected from him. We haven’t really connected since our most recent outing of Saturday past. Its not so much the time lapse since then as it is adjusting to the absence of our conversations at all hours of the night.

    I realize he is not feeling well, and I feel totally helpless and not my usual over-functioning, “gotta rush in and take care of someone” self, and this makes me feel rude and uncaring and cold. Blah. I do not like that feeling. Still hoping that he’ll get to feeling better quickly; and certainly feel hopeful that he doesn’t find me to be cold and uncaring as I haven’t offered to bring soup, blankets, or whatever.

    C’est la vie.

    Thanks sirens … here’s to a new day 😀

  384.  #385Goodheart on January 19, 2012 at 8:32 am

    Jilly, the unworthy ones weed themselves out faster & faster as our self-esteem grows.

    I love Abraham’s teachings. Those & Rori’s tools turned my life around.

    Focus on the qualities you like about every guy you meet & forget about everything else. Those desirable qualities will keep showing up in other men you meet. Focus only on what you want.

  385.  #386Goodheart on January 19, 2012 at 8:33 am

    T-Girl – (((hugs))), how is your daughter?

  386.  #387Femininewoman on January 19, 2012 at 8:50 am


    By “safe,” I mean telling a man that what you think, feel ,and need will not jeopardize your connection, but instead make it stronger.

    Here’s your action plan: sit down with him today at some time when you’re both settled and relaxed. Then tell him that you respect his feelings, and that you appreciate the way he respects yours. (If you don’t believe this right now, simply the act of communicating these words will have a profoundly positive effect on him and actually help create more respect and appreciation – because you get what you give!)

    Then explain that communicating as early as possible and allowing that safe space to tell each other how you really feel and that you need to be open and honest with each other in the moment is crucial to your happiness – yours and his.

    What you’re doing here is essentially agreeing together to accept and allow for each other’s real feelings – regardless of whether they happen to please the other person in that moment. This kind of real and authentic honesty is the first step, and the one and only path to a real, secure, and lasting relationship where both partners know that their feelings are heard and respected.


  387.  #388Camille on January 19, 2012 at 8:56 am

    mmm FW I love that, thank you for sharing.

  388.  #389Brenda on January 19, 2012 at 9:07 am

    Lush Oasis,

    RE: #382 – Ha! I just learned the Vicks Vaporub remedy days ago! My Mom is in a nursing home, and I asked her favorite nurse what remedy he recommended (he’s virtually a doctor!). He told me that, and then he slipped me some on the side, along with some rubber gloves, saying, “I didn’t give you this…got it??!!”

    I have also heard Tea Tree Oil is another remedy, and even real garlic. But I wouldn’t enjoy having my feet smell like garlic.

    The nurse says it takes a while, but it works.

  389.  #390Femininewoman on January 19, 2012 at 9:10 am

  390.  #391lk on January 19, 2012 at 9:11 am

    @Goodheart 383

    “the unworthy ones weed themselves out faster & faster”

    YUM i love the poofing : )))

  391.  #392Lizka on January 19, 2012 at 9:12 am

    Ahh! This feels so good!

    P did not forget me! I just got a text saying “XXX bar, what do you think?”

    It feels so good that I didn’t had to text him and ask about the place!!

    I am definitely surprised!

    And just like that, I just replied “I don’t know about this place but I feel curious and I want to try it!”

  392.  #393Brenda on January 19, 2012 at 9:15 am


    RE: #364 – Thank you for that. I hear you.

    It’s complicated. I am not necessarily pushing for commitment, altho I would welcum that. I am in a perpetual state of pain since 2009 because of him pretending he has no feelings for me. I want him to acknowledge that we are dating, not just hanging out, as he words it. Because, even tho he makes me look like a fool on a regular basis, the fact is we are dating.

    He just denies it. I am trying to figure out how to communicate to him that his dating style leaves me in deep pain. And the pain is the deepest I have ever felt, and it is emotionally crippling. It is one of the major reasons I have lost homes and jobs. I can’t function.

    It is why I spend so many hours on the blog when I have a huge backlog of business to handle to get my life back together.

    I am in excruciating emotional and psychological pain because he has left me hung out here like romance is all in my mind.

    And none of you can help me because you believe his lies. And I know you are all snickering behind your hands right now, “Poor deluded Brenda.”


  393.  #394Brenda on January 19, 2012 at 9:18 am


    RE: #349 – I know you mean well.

    The prophet was me, and the one who gave it to me was God.

    I’m not going to say anything further, knowing I shouldn’t have mentioned it in the first place.

  394.  #395Femininewoman on January 19, 2012 at 9:21 am

    C’mon Brenda. That last line left me feeling that a knife was put in my back and turned around for good measure. I am feeling hot rage looking at the words “snickering behind your hands right now”. I

  395.  #396Brenda on January 19, 2012 at 9:21 am


    RE: #347 – Thank you for your testimonial on garlic! And it’s good to know how to prepare it in olive oil. Cool! So happy for you that that is clearing up!

    How long has it taken to get rid of the black? My one toenail is black, too, and it’s horribly embarrassing.

  396.  #397Femininewoman on January 19, 2012 at 9:22 am

    I really wish there was a way that someone could get through to you.

  397.  #398Brenda on January 19, 2012 at 9:22 am


    RE: #393 – I apologize. Please forgive me. I love you.

  398.  #399Jilly on January 19, 2012 at 9:25 am

    Goodheart…YES I totally hear you…Rori plus Abraham has totally turned my life around too!!

  399.  #400Jilly on January 19, 2012 at 9:27 am

    Lizka!!!!!! yay!!!! 🙂

  400.  #401Starla on January 19, 2012 at 9:28 am

    “And none of you can help me because you believe his lies”

    I feel freaked out as sh*t, wondering why you want to be with a liar so bad.

    I’m not sure how to help you anymore. Not that you ever really asked me specifically for help… so I guess I’m just freaking my own self out…okay, sorry Brenda.

    Please just know that I sincerely hope you get the relationship you want!! 😀

  401.  #402Brenda on January 19, 2012 at 9:30 am


    RE: #395 – I really wish there was a way that someone could get through to Ryan.

    I am working closely with someone who is getting thru to me. I am making strides by leaps and bounds! And you ladies are all a part of that, too! Thank you!

  402.  #403Femininewoman on January 19, 2012 at 9:34 am

    I felt disconnected from him for sure but also from ME. I felt prickly and heavy and all hard edges. It felt like rocks in my heart. I felt desperation, as if I had nowhere to ground myself, no place to feel; there seemed no way up out of the pit which felt so burdensome, so imprisoning, AND I felt SO lonely.

    Hhhhhmmm Dominique I am feeling these feeling descriptives deep in my heart. Oh for the day I can express like this.

  403.  #404Brenda on January 19, 2012 at 9:35 am


    RE: #399 – It’s weird. It’s like he is gut level honest about who he is inside, and I know the good and the bad…so I trust him.

    But I see it as self-protection that he won’t admit he is romantically interested in me. It leaves me feeling isolated.

    And, it is all part of why I probably shouldn’t air such an unusual relationship on here.

    It is also part of why I am so perpetually preoccupied with him, trying to figure out what’s what and how to get out of the pain of someone denying that they are very, very fond of me.

  404.  #405Femininewoman on January 19, 2012 at 9:38 am

    “Telling a man how “wrong” he is – even if he’s done something thoughtless and hurtful – is USELESS.”

  405.  #406Sweetpea on January 19, 2012 at 9:39 am

    LO @ 278,

    Lush Oasis,
    Ok. So I agree that a good place to start would be learning to love your feet. Can you start by feeling gratitude for all they do for you in a day? It sounds like you already have a good start on that (i.e. they take you hiking, etc).

    Something I’ve noticed is that if we’re self conscious about a body part, other people tend to notice it, but if we’re accepting of it, they don’t. Or maybe, it’s just that if we’re accepting, we don’t care so much what others think.

    I personally, wouldn’t want to go to the beach cuz of my tummy, but the more I learn to love my tummy, the more it shrinks. I’m not sure it could work that way with your feet, but I do believe in miracles and the power of the mind, so it could happen I suppose, if you believe that kind of thing. It all goes back to faith and I’m not suggesting that would have to be the case. My heart is open to it as a possibility, but I know that’s a big step. And I’m not you. (And here I am, speaking in circles I’m trying to stop speaking in).

    As far as the sandals/ cute shoes – have you had a look at Born lately? They’re a really good, comfortable brand and they have some super cute sandals. They even have some that offer some support, if that’s an issue for you.

  406.  #407Starla on January 19, 2012 at 9:39 am

    “But I see it as self-protection that he won’t admit he is romantically interested in me. It leaves me feeling isolated”

    why you shouldn’t choose such a man.

    you just have some serious self-worth/self-esteem work to do.

  407.  #408lk on January 19, 2012 at 9:43 am

    @Brenda 391

    “I am in a perpetual state of pain since 2009 because of him pretending he has no feelings for me. I want him to acknowledge that we are dating, not just hanging out, as he words it. Because, even tho he makes me look like a fool on a regular basis, the fact is we are dating.

    “He just denies it. I am trying to figure out how to communicate to him that his dating style leaves me in deep pain. And the pain is the deepest I have ever felt, and it is emotionally crippling. It is one of the major reasons I have lost homes and jobs. I can’t function. ”

    this sounds so wrenching & twisted. i never want to feel the way you have described your feeling.

    when i imagine the reasons for continuing to date someone who refused to acknowledge me as a potential lifetime partner… my mind feels blank, but my heart still feels achy…

    i want to move away from feelings like that. i want to feel Sought in my romantic relationships

    i also feel extraordinarily curious about Prophets & messages from Heaven… : ) yum i feel light & excited & like i can teleport : ))) oh, i can. hi, brenda : ) this is too close… i want to whisper about dreams with you : ) i feel scared & i want to go home

    i can say, I feel open to dreams & visions & stories that move the sky…. i feel amazed by the movement & the hugeness of the messages : )

    hm but yes i feel curious & “dubious” i hear… about Certainty or Guarantees…. because i feel myself so small in my body.. tiny like nothing. like light, too. all wavy & not anything ever. all moving & chaos & unplottable. limits out til zero & infinity, so no “definition” or Compass… directions or measurements feel funny & silly & false : ) like giggling watching babies play….

    i know i see numbers & i hear human words & i see the light on their faces & the shadows too….. all mysteries, all open, all more experiences, tiny buds on the branch, reaching further… explorations into that space & that mystery…. deep & rumbling & swinging like the floor of the ocean… nothing stable, no permanence…

    hmmm…. i love you, Brenda. & i love you, Ryan. & i love me, too & sweetpea & lizka & all the women & all the men… i want deep peace for you & for everyone & then we can all sink into it together like a sigh : ) like sleep, like the gold, spinning dreams that don’t end or go anywhere : ))) yum

  408.  #409Brenda on January 19, 2012 at 9:44 am


    RE: #380 – I really like what you wrote about accepting and loving your feet! How cruel what your sister said! You combated it well internally.

    As a Big Beautiful Woman, I have had to face a lot of body issues. Especially when I have sex. And I have found that what men like most, and what helps me most is when I simply accept myself and move and act without self consciousness. It is very challenging at times, but your man hit the nail on the head, but acknowledging your acceptance of your pretty feet.

    At times, I watch videos of people with severe physical disabilities with great compassion and sadness. The one that struck me most deeply is the man with no arms or legs. I have seen him on TV several times. He is a motivational speaker. He sits on the stage with great freedom and joy, joking about his life with no arms or legs.

    I feel horrified and nauseous at moments, thinking of all the ways it would limit a person. Then I come away ever so thankful for my obese, relatively healthy, whole body. And I realize I have nothing to feel bad about, at all.

  409.  #410Lizka on January 19, 2012 at 9:48 am

    Starla –

    Eva?!? Wooow! That’s such a beautiful and sireny name!!

    Don’t know if you wrote it on purpose or by mistake, but I love it. It just so fit with the beautiful woman I imagine behind “Starla”.


  410.  #411Femininewoman on January 19, 2012 at 9:49 am

    RE 399 I believe people lie because they want to protect themselves. If they feel unsafe with you it is possible they will lie to you.

  411.  #412Lizka on January 19, 2012 at 9:51 am

    lk I love you too and I love all the sirens and this wonderful island. 🙂

  412.  #413Brenda on January 19, 2012 at 9:52 am


    RE: #406 – Oh, the way you express yourself is mesmerizing! What you wrote near the end of that post is a publishable poem!!!

    If you would like to talk with me about foreseeing the future, feel free to email me at

    The relationship with Ryan is just out of the box. Doesn’t fit the mold. The man has schizophrenia. That changes everything, and I accept him exactly the way he is. When he is free (not if…WHEN), I will not have these kinds of issues. And in the meantime, I am not going to let the schizophrenia stop me from having the relationship I want. Because the schizophrenia is like a dead, dry leaf hanging on a tree, ready to fall off.

    I love who he is inside, and he has a beautiful heart and mind and spirit! And body, LOL!

  413.  #414lk on January 19, 2012 at 9:55 am

    about feet… i’ve noticed too that as soon as i’ve learned to heal my fear about things, they disappear !

    maybe this is the same as Baby Boymen Poofing ? yummy but i still like to play with the baby boymen, just no dating them because it feels difficult, like trying to herd cats LOL

  414.  #415Brenda on January 19, 2012 at 9:56 am


    RE: #405 – “you just have some serious self-worth/self-esteem work to do.”

    Yep, and that is why I am here. And I have been working on it for decades. It’s a long climb up when your starting point is that of a slug.

  415.  #416lk on January 19, 2012 at 9:58 am

    aww (((Brenda))) thank you : ) that feels warm

    i feel scared to email right now, but maybe my feeling will change ? hmmm…. : ) curious fear : )))

  416.  #417Dominique on January 19, 2012 at 9:59 am

    Wow Femininewoman, you are quick. I just posted this. Thank you for the sweet compliment.


  417.  #418Lizka on January 19, 2012 at 9:59 am

    Grrr I can’t concentrate at work. Is it because of my date? Or because of my stomach ache? Or because the blogs feels fun today! I’m being so not productive…

    I just want it to be 5 o’clock yet! N

  418.  #419CurvySiren10 on January 19, 2012 at 10:00 am


    Someone being “very very fond” of you (as I’m sure Ryan is) is very different than being attracted to you in a sexual, romantic way. That’s the part that I feel is frustrating all of us who are trying to help you. I don’t think anyone doubts the fact that your friendship means a lot to Ryan and that is he quite “fond” of you, but the attraction that makes you alluring and someone he wants to date doesn’t seem to be there. You believe we are all believing “lies”, but the reality is, that you seemingly aren’t hearing his truth.

    I am not going to say much more. I don’t want to be hurtful in any way, but still feel driven to put this information to you, hoping it will be received in the loving spirit it is given.

  419.  #420Brenda on January 19, 2012 at 10:00 am


    RE: #412 – LOL! Love it! Ryan is like trying to herd cats! 😆

  420.  #421Cat Blue on January 19, 2012 at 10:01 am

    Hmmm riffing.
    Men, selfish with me. selfish with my time.
    Unhappy ending. Didn’t want to face.
    Wanted happy outcome. Was scared to let go. felt I was letting him win. felt I wasn’t winning.

  421.  #422lk on January 19, 2012 at 10:03 am

    @Brenda 413


    AWWW yummy !!! baby lk loves snails & slugs. i watch them go big, little & goo along yum i count them i see if they have friends some are so tiny you can barely see them their tiny little eyenose baubles are so sweet

    i like the big snails i like to put a color on them & see if they’re there next year. i like to look for their eggs. i like to see some eggs dry out & collapse like tired balloons & some eggs wet & get bigger & then they’re clear & you can see the tiny snail & then they come out !! & when they’re born they’re tinier than anything i could make out of gold & silver & gems & they’re lovely & i love them : )))) yayy i love snails & slugs & garden creepers they make me smile & want to be tiny like fairies & crawl in the ears of big warm animals, make a tiny home in the crow’s nest of a fox’s ear

  422.  #423Starla on January 19, 2012 at 10:04 am

    ooooooooooooops that was an accident

    i just got put into moderation for cussing up a storm at my accident.

    yeah that’s my name.

    any of yall who are fb friends can find me on mutual siren’s lists now:) FRIEND ME!!

  423.  #424Brenda on January 19, 2012 at 10:04 am

    Curvy Siren,

    RE: #417 – Poor deluded Brenda.

    NO!!! It is beyond this! If it were simply a man not ready to commit, FINE! But I still see actions and words that indicate he is most definitely dating me. IN the present tense. Just forget it. I can’t fully express it when I spend thousands of hours with him. It just would take too long.

    I know it. He is saying one thing and doing another.

  424.  #425Cat Blue on January 19, 2012 at 10:04 am

    Brenda says..

    I accept him exactly the way he is

    Hmm that triggers me..

  425.  #426Brenda on January 19, 2012 at 10:08 am


    RE: #420 – LOL, I am laughing! I love what you said about snails and slugs!

    In 2008, I was talking with my favorite therapist ever, when she said, “My God! You have the self-esteem of a slug!”

    It really impacted me, helping me to see myself more objectively. The next week I came back and referred to what she said.

    She covered her mouth, saying, “Oh, I am so sorry, Brenda. I should be more careful how I say things.”

    I said, “No, no, that actually helped me. It didn’t bother me.”

    She said, “I didn’t realize how that sounded until I heard you quote it back to me.”

  426.  #427lk on January 19, 2012 at 10:09 am

    Awww…. finally the government is using my dollars for something i feel interested in : ) lol

    Title: Baby Hug Follow-Up Study II – Clinical Sites
    Sol. #: NHLBI-HB-12-02
    Agency: Department of Health and Human Services
    Office: National Institutes of Health
    Location: National Heart, Lung and Blood Institute, Rockledge Dr. Bethesda, MD
    Posted On: Jan 18, 2012 3:23 pm
    Current Type: Award
    Base Type: Presolicitation
    Base Posting Date: Sep 23, 2010 4:40 pm

  427.  #428Brenda on January 19, 2012 at 10:09 am

    Cat Blue,

    RE: #423 – I feel curious…why?

  428.  #429Goodheart on January 19, 2012 at 10:09 am

    Brenda, yes you are a beautiful woman.

    And you deserve all the love in the world. Starting right there within yourself. I know you will find it. And when you do, the men will find it too.

    I still have body parts I’m trying to love more. Muah to them all!

  429.  #430CurvySiren10 on January 19, 2012 at 10:11 am

    OK Brenda, I’m done commenting on this. But I can’t see the relationship you have with him right now as dating. Dating includes making plans, going places, physical affection and not one part consistently, emphatically denying it.

    This is your journey and obviously one that you need to travel on your own course. I will continue to read and hope for the very best for you.

  430.  #431Brenda on January 19, 2012 at 10:11 am


    RE: #414 – Scared of me? Scared of prophecy?

  431.  #432Queenbee on January 19, 2012 at 10:14 am

    Feeling so icky. 9 men coming to visit my country from the UK in Feb. I’m trying to stay leaned back, let them make their plans and responding to queries when they ask.

    My mom on the other hand is in full blast over-function mode, trying to control them, me, and control the outcome of how their trip goes. She nags me to tell them this and that, and find out this and that, and what about this and that….

    And I’m like ‘OMG, Yuck! Ick! Stop it already!!!’ Then I feel guilty, like I’m selfish for not wanting to DO and DO and DO and DO and DO. Then I feel angry at her for over-functioning and how icky it feels to me.

    Then I get all nervous that I need to do this and that. When I do take her ‘advice’ the men withdraw and then I feel more icky and I feel my self esteem going down.

    Dammit I feel pist.

    Gotta love myself thro’ this

    🙁 I’m feeling sad and angry. I feel like shouting at her and saying



    It feels awful when a woman over-functions in my presence and expects me to do the same. It makes me feel guilty and compelled to go against my better judgement and over-function too.

    I’m releasing all judgement against myself.

    Love myself and loving myself thro’ it all.

    My new transformed, softer self will prevail!

    Yay for me 🙂 I feel a bit better now.


  432.  #433lk on January 19, 2012 at 10:16 am


    i don’t know : ) just feeling “scared” …. like “i don’t want to talk about This” & also like “i’m secretive” LOL

  433.  #434Brenda on January 19, 2012 at 10:16 am


    RE: #428 – Thank you for trying to help me. I understand you bowing out.

    I think it is a futile effort for me to go on trying to explain Ryan, because he has his own unique approach to romance. It isn’t always the way it should be, but he has my heart. And he knows it.

    And I have his heart. And I know it.

  434.  #435Camille on January 19, 2012 at 10:17 am

    I felt so sad to read…

    “And none of you can help me because you believe his lies. And I know you are all snickering behind your hands right now, “Poor deluded Brenda.”

    And just to clarify……I know your not pushing for committment….I was just reading your text’s that you posted.

    I have a question……..
    Do you feel he is lying when he says it “difficult” right now? And he indicates he doesnt want to continue a discussion at the moment? Do you think hes lying when he says “im trying to heal?”

    Thats what Im referring to when I say you dont respect him. You dont believe him or hear him. You think you know how he feels better than he does.

    That triggers me because……I have had people in my life say “I know you dont feel that way”……this is “really” how you feel.

    I felt unheard and disrespected.

    and from what you have said…… love him.

    So I assumed you didnt want him to feel disrespected and unheard.

    I also assumed that because you post things and specifically ask us for our opinions, our perspective, and our help. That you would think we were laughing behind your back when we offer such?

    I feel confused.

    Why are you asking for help but refusing to recieve it from people who actually have love, compassion, and your best interest at heart?

  435.  #436Jilly on January 19, 2012 at 10:19 am

    FW #403…. roommate and her BF just broke up because she kept telling him what he was doing wrong

  436.  #437lk on January 19, 2012 at 10:26 am

    ooh i creeped myself out lol

    i saw an email from CD … saying “I pinky swear.” & sent when we were together last night : ) so when i was in the room …. & imagining him emailing that to me while i was just lying on the couch, spouting nonsense… was so sweet !

    i never really compliment him… i feel scared to !! … hmmmm i wonder why ? …. i do say, you have beautiful eyes or i like to touch your head… but those are very Chaste compliments… & i emailed him back saying “MMM yum ! you are very sexy” & telling him what time he could pick me up from work…..

    & now i feel, oh i wasn’t true to what i feel comfortable saying.

    it’s not that i wasn’t feeling that way, i just feel a little Unsafe with him so close to my Desire…. but that has been opening up…. talking about Turn Ons & him talking about “heart palpitations” but i feel scared still.


    but it’s good & better because i don’t worry, What will he say back to me ??? ….. like old freak out patterns, like he will try to measure me & decide if i’m Good Enough to be so honest…. & punish me by withdrawing….

    it feels About Me… & now actually i feel ok that i said that… mostly, it’s just Not What I Want To Talk About. like, it feels like…. talking about the windspeed before you even have a kite in-hand : ) lol nice analogy lk

  437.  #438Lili 41 on January 19, 2012 at 10:27 am

    I just got this quote by email. I love it! 🙂

    “remember this motto to live by: Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, wine in the other, totally worn out and screaming ‘WOOO HOOOOO what a ride!’

    To the Girls !! “

  438.  #439Femininewoman on January 19, 2012 at 10:32 am

    Hey Queenbee having see you in a long time.

  439.  #440Camille on January 19, 2012 at 10:32 am

    Love that, especially the visual that just went through my mind! LOL

  440.  #441Femininewoman on January 19, 2012 at 10:35 am

    RE 433 Camille truly I wonder sometimes if I am arrogant, thinking that I could help.

  441.  #442Femininewoman on January 19, 2012 at 10:36 am

    Queenbee “haven’t seen you in a long time”.

  442.  #443lilybelly on January 19, 2012 at 10:37 am


    LOVE this. Thank you!

  443.  #444Lush_Oasis on January 19, 2012 at 10:37 am

    @ Goodheart #380
    @ Sweetpea # 404

    Wow, Goodheart — I feel all my anxiety and little girl wanting to run and hide after reading your post. I can totally relate to the ridicule and then some and feel horrible that your sister brought this about for you. Your post gives me hope that I, too, [someday!] will have the strength to accept my odd-ball feet and be okay with things as they are. 🙂 Thank you for posting your story.
    I never heard of Born shoes before (sheltered much, huh? 🙂 ) I just visited their website for a quick look and feel so happy that you shared this information with me. I don’t know that I’ll be able to find something to help with my phobia – but it seems to be a great site anyway. I’ll go web-browsing-shopping later today. Thanks! {{ }}

  444.  #445Queenbee on January 19, 2012 at 10:37 am

    Hey FW, Great to touch base with you. Though I don’t come on as often, I’m still doing all the tools. Getting there… 🙂

  445.  #446Brenda on January 19, 2012 at 10:40 am


    RE: #433 – No, I don’t think he is lying when he says those things. And I backed up, regrouped, spent the entire day yesterday with inner healing as I discovered my huge fear of intimacy.

    And by the end of the day yesterday, he was texting me again, and it went well.

    I respect him more than any human being on earth.

    Sorry, I shouldn’t have said that about you laughing behind your hands. That is most assuredly my Negative Voices.

    I know you care and are trying to help me. But because of his approach to dating, it leaves me in an impossible situation to get help.

    Here is how our dating started: Our first date, on Christmas Eve 2008, we spent 6 hours talking about God, romance, and everything in between. It was fabulous!

    For the first week or two, I thought he was romancing me, and then he told me no, I was mistaken. He was just a buddy and thought it would be nice to have someone to hang out with while he was healing. I am 15 years older than him, and he said he pictured his Soul Mate being a younger woman than himself, like in her 20’s. He was 28 at the time.

    So I accepted that, and I hung out with him cuddling and talking for a couple more weeks. Most of our conversation was around finding our Soul Mates, sex, and God. We discussed the Bible every night.

    As the weeks went by, it because very apparent that he indeed WAS interested in me as a Soul Mate. I knew in my heart. Then he slipped in an unguarded moment when his eyes were liquid emotion and we were embracing intimately in my bed.

    He said, “It is such a miracle when two souls find each other in this huge world!”

    It was the most beautiful day of my life.

    We spent a total of 12 hours talking freely and deeply as we walked on the beach, drove, ate out, cuddled, and it ended with sexual play (he never had sex with me, even tho I really wanted to).

    Afterwards when I mentioned his beautiful words, he said, “Oh, you must have misunderstood. I meant in general, when I meet my Soul Mate.”

    Yeah, right, tell me another one.

    I could tell you incident after incident like that.

    That is his M.O.! And one of his favorite songs is “Total Eclipse of the Heart”. I believe he thinks it’s romantic to let me think he is not interested romantically and then telling me he is after I have lost all hope.

    Last New Year’s Day (2011), he finally convinced me that he was not interested. I spent the day crying convulsively, sending him texts like “I couldn’t wait another day for the Captain of my heart”.

    When I sent him my last text, saying good bye, he called me 20 minutes later. He got the whole thing going again.

  446.  #447Femininewoman on January 19, 2012 at 10:40 am

    Hi ,

    I was hanging out with a bunch of friends the other night and we started talking about very deep topics: women and the afterlife. I told the group that if I ever come back in another form, I’d want to come back as a woman.

    That’s right. I want to come back as a woman.

    Why? Besides the obvious reason, multiple orgasms, as a woman I can control the world because I know exactly how weak men really are for women. I know how to manipulate men so well that if I was a woman – oh my God – I’d be able to get inside every single guy’s mind. I would know exactly what every guy was thinking, what he was doing, what he wanted. I’d be able to play any man I ever wanted and meet any man I wanted.

    I’d play the men in business. I’d be successful. And I’d use my sexuality and my power of being a woman. I would just go put on a great outfit that I felt sexy in and walk the boardwalk with power, knowing that any man I looked at I could have.

    I would have no issues with dating. I mean, dating would be completely problem-free because I would know that as a woman, I have all the power. I have the power to flirt. I’ve got the power to turn on my sexual energy. I’ve got the power to move men. I’ve got the power to encourage a man to move towards me with just a look in my eyes.

    It’s amazing. And all these years of coaching women, I always ask women over and over again, “Do you realize how powerful you really are? Do you realize how easy it is for you to meet men?”

    You’ve got to get rid of the old way of thinking! You can’t be thinking that men are just going to walk over to you.

    Let me tell you something: 90% of men wish they had the power to just walk over to you. That’s the reason why they buy my products and they come to my boot camps. And there aren’t enough of the other 10% who, like me, love approaching women.

    Here’s the deal: it’s up to you to learn your power. It’s up to you to embrace your femininity. It’s up to you to realize how amazing and incredibly sexy you are as a woman.

    And you need to start doing that every single day.

    Your friend,

    David Wygant

  447.  #448Camille on January 19, 2012 at 10:42 am

    Arrogance is never a place I feel you coming from. When I read your posts I always feel you come from a place of compassion, wisdom, sharing, and the best intent.

    Having a desire to help someone in my opinion is not related to arrogance in any fashion. Your advice on this blog is not unsolicited. And I always see it as your trying to come from several places of perspective.

  448.  #449Femininewoman on January 19, 2012 at 10:47 am

    Lush_Oasis I just read your comment about your “odd ball feet” and it triggered a memory of “Happy Feet”. That dancing penguin.

  449.  #450Jilly on January 19, 2012 at 10:51 am

    FW…I loved that article 🙂 I feel smiley..

    hi Queenbee 🙂

  450.  #451Camille on January 19, 2012 at 10:51 am

    Do you believe that we only have one soulmate?

  451.  #452Brenda on January 19, 2012 at 10:51 am


    RE: #439 – You have helped me in many ways, many times, and I thank you.

    This one is complicated, and it is not a textbook classic case. I am not trying to insult you by saying you can’t help me.

    I just realize more and more that he is too complex to have someone understand who has never met him. Just to give you an idea, if you met him, you would think, “What is Brenda talking about? This man is simple! He is like a boy in a man’s body! He virtually stutters! He acts like a 16 year old! He will see reality clearly someday when he gets out of his fantasies about fairy tale princesses.”

    But that is just a part of him, who he portrays. Beneath is The Thinker, and he is extremely complex and deep. He is worlds removed from any man I ever met.

    When I say you can’t understand, please don’t take that as an insult. Take it that some things simply cannot be understood unless they are experienced.

  452.  #453Femininewoman on January 19, 2012 at 10:53 am

    Jilly what was amazing to me was how as a man he so eloquently described our power as women. Yet we refuse to believe it.

  453.  #454Camille on January 19, 2012 at 10:57 am

    If Ryan is schizophrenic then I assume that none of us here can help you figure him out. I know I have none of the qualifications or education to help you understand a person with a mental illness.

    And RR’s tools are to get a focus on us “not men”
    It is not Rori’s intent that you figure out Ryan….schizophrenic or not. And I agree that none of us here (unless theres a Dr. in the house) can help you with that.

    Does your therapist have a degree in which she could help you understand the illness?

    So that being said lets focus on encouraging your health and your growth not trying to understand Ryan? How does that sound?

  454.  #455Femininewoman on January 19, 2012 at 10:58 am

    Did You Know:

    One of the Sexiest Things that men find attractive is when a woman Stands Tall. A woman who stands tall typically..

    a) dresses well
    b) exercises often and
    c) is confident about her body and what it’s good for.

    And if she’s proud of her figure no matter what shape or size, that makes men take notice, as well.

    Source: by David Zinczenko – Yahoo! Health Expert for Relationships

    Featured Topic: What He Hears When You Say…(One More)

    You Say – “Let’s Talk…” ——-> What He Hears – “You’re in Trouble”

    What would work better? If you have something you need to say or confront him with, say this instead, “I’m having a problem…” When he asks for more information, tell him the specific issue. Men naturally like to solve problems, and this will engage him initially without him becoming instantly defensive.

    When You Say, “Does this make me look fat?” —–> What He Hears – “It’s a yes or no question that I can’t win”

    What would work better? Don’t ask Yes or No questions. It sounds too much like an attorney, not the woman he loves. Think about it from his perspective. If you do really look fat in an outfit he’s not going to tell you, unless he’s mad. Save this question for your girlfriend, sister or mother. They’ll give you an honest opinion that he can’t.

    When you say, “I love you.” —–> What He Hears – “I love you, and want to hear you tell me you love me too.”

    What would work better? Walk up to him and put your head on his shoulder……and just keep it there. He may say “What’s up” and “Anything wrong,” but don’t move. Feeling you that close without you saying anything will get him to start talking to you, if you will just wait a few minutes.

    Bonus: When you say, “Don’t ever call me again!” —-> What He Hears – “Don’t ever call me again.”

    When a woman makes a threat, men take it seriously. Men treat verbal threats the same as women treat physical threats. They are always to be taken at face value.

    What works better with a man is learning how to become the woman who lives by this phrase – No Man is a Match for a Woman Who Puts Her Heart First.

    Bob Grant

  455.  #456Brenda on January 19, 2012 at 10:59 am


    RE: #449 – Yes and no.

    I believe that we can have several Soul Mates over a lifetime. I believe that Larry Norman was my first Soul Mate. He was 17 years older than me, and I have been in love with him since I was 9! LOL!

    He was considered “The Father of Christian Rock”! He is my all time favorite music artist. I attended many of his concerts, and he invited me to the restaurant with the crew after about 5 concerts. During one of those times, he spent about 2 hours talking with me exclusively.

    I could tell he was attracted to me (I was slender at the time), and he just wasn’t sure enough to pursue me, because of my severe inhibitions and limited communication skills. He never pursued it beyond a few emails.

    He passed away about 5 years ago. I believe that if he had seen me as I really am, past all my socially undeveloped awkwardness, that he would have married me, and we could have had many happy years together.

    Then when he passed away, Ryan could have still been my Soul Mate.

    I believe if I married the wrong man, which I did when I married Kenny, God can still turn that around and weave it in to the tapestry of my life to still let me end up with the man God chose for me.

    I also believe that Ryan could choose to walk away, and then God would replace him. But I’ve known Ryan for 4 years total now, and he hasn’t walked away.

  456.  #457Camille on January 19, 2012 at 11:00 am

    Wow…..what a complement.
    That makes me feel so good about being a woman and having something so powerful and special.

    Thanks for posting FW

  457.  #458Femininewoman on January 19, 2012 at 11:01 am

    Camille says “If Ryan is schizophrenic then I assume that none of us here can help you figure him out. I know I have none of the qualifications or education to help you understand a person with a mental illness”.

    Reason for my logic around the statement on arrogance.

  458.  #459Camille on January 19, 2012 at 11:03 am

    AWWWW Femininewoman………gotcha!

  459.  #460Brenda on January 19, 2012 at 11:03 am


    RE: #453 – That is superb! I especially like the part about putting your head on a man’s shoulder!

  460.  #461Camille on January 19, 2012 at 11:05 am

    oh my Femininewoman you are a plethera of great stuff today!

  461.  #462Iamabutterfly on January 19, 2012 at 11:06 am

    @445 FW – I feel my power deep down, but because I know I’m so powerful, I try to be careful with it. I honestly don’t want to flirt and seduce every man I come into contact with. I feel like I want to supress my power a little bit. But why? I honestly feel too powerful sometimes. Then, other times, it never feels like ENOUGH power. I wish I knew how to keep it all…and to use it all to my advantage…

    I saw one of my newer CDs last night, from across the room. I felt like he was watching me, but I am not 100% sure.

    Even though he is so new, he has already seen me cry.

    That feels so huge to me, because I have a really hard time crying in front of men for some reason.

    When I would cry in front of my dad, for example, I never felt like he understood why I was crying.

    Heck, I’m not sure I understood why I was crying all those times.

    I feel good knowing how to better express my emotions using FMs.

    There’s really only been one guy who I felt understood my sadness.

    I loved him, because he was one of the most vulnerable men I have ever met.

    He wasn’t weak though, he was incredibly strong.

    It was just like we could feel each other’s emotions very easily, without even saying anything.

    One time, when I was feeling really sad, he just followed me around all day, and I never understood why until recently.

    I’ve had so many guys literally scoop me up into their arms when I’ve allowed myself to feel what I’m feeling. I never expect it, though.

    It always catches me by surprise.

    and I never feel like they do it when I really WANT them to…

    If I WANT them to…can they sense it and feel repulsed by it or something?

    It doesn’t feel fair. It feels like a cruel joke…

  462.  #463Brenda on January 19, 2012 at 11:08 am

    I can sum up my relationship with Ryan in one word:

    dis·par·i·ty (d-spr-t)
    n. pl. dis·par·i·ties
    1. The condition or fact of being unequal, as in age, rank, or degree; difference: “narrow the economic disparities among regions and industries” (Courtenay Slater).
    2. Unlikeness; incongruity.

    Or I could sum it up with this word:


    (of language) Open to more than one interpretation; having a double meaning.
    Unclear or inexact because a choice between alternatives has not been made.

  463.  #464Jilly on January 19, 2012 at 11:09 am

    k…just one more thing about military man…

    if he’s blocking me and unblocking me within 24 hrs…he’s obviously thinking about me a lot lol…to even go through that trouble…

    me…standing a little taller, feeling a little smug and princess like…I AM all woman…YUM!

  464.  #465Brenda on January 19, 2012 at 11:11 am


    RE: #452 – Deal!

  465.  #466Iamabutterfly on January 19, 2012 at 11:11 am

    I feel frustrated, because as a teenager and young adult, it’s like I heard nothing but broken records about how difficult marriage is.

    My mom was CONSTANTLY telling me: “You’re a very pretty girl, you just have A, B, C, D, and E wrong with you.”

    Another one I heard CONSTANTLY: “You may never get married, have you thought of that?”

    Another one: “Men don’t like girls who do or say “A, B, C, or D…” when I had just done or said A, B, C, or D…

    I also feel frustrated because I don’t FEEL feminine. I like sarcasm, I like butting heads, I like being crazy and goofy, but that’s not “feminine.”

    Sometimes, I feel like saying “Screw femininity. I’d rather be myself…”

    Sometimes, I feel like it’s NOT natural for me to be a siren…

    and it makes me feel sad and not good enough…

    has anyone else ever felt this way?

    I feel really really sad… 🙁

  466.  #467Brenda on January 19, 2012 at 11:12 am


    RE: #446 – “Femininewoman,
    Arrogance is never a place I feel you coming from. When I read your posts I always feel you come from a place of compassion, wisdom, sharing, and the best intent.

    Having a desire to help someone in my opinion is not related to arrogance in any fashion. Your advice on this blog is not unsolicited. And I always see it as your trying to come from several places of perspective.”

    Ditto! 🙂

  467.  #468Brenda on January 19, 2012 at 11:14 am


    RE: #464 – I have often felt the same way.

    What I am uncovering, in gentle baby steps, is that a lot of my masculine energy functioning is really a defense mechanism for the very feminine woman within.

  468.  #469Brenda on January 19, 2012 at 11:15 am

    There, after half a week’s WORK, I finally have a date for tomorrow morning.

  469.  #470Femininewoman on January 19, 2012 at 11:16 am

    I AM all woman…YUM!

    That feels juicy in my “loins”

  470.  #471lilybelly on January 19, 2012 at 11:16 am


    T-Girl~ How’s your daughter? I ws thinking about what Starla said regarding reproductive pain. Ovulating used to be a painful ordeal for me when I was young. Still can be but not as bad as it was then. Puking and the whole nine yards.

  471.  #472Iamabutterfly on January 19, 2012 at 11:19 am

    @466 Brenda – that’s interesting and feels true…

    @467 Brenda – I feel like you shouldn’t have to WORK for it, girl. He should have to WORK for you!

    I’ve been told by a man that I’m one of the most feminine women he knows. Like 100%, all girl…

    I feel like I get contradictory messages from everyone…including myself!

    Holy crap!

  472.  #473Brenda on January 19, 2012 at 11:20 am

    I may still talk about Ryan’s behavior, because it is related to my inner healing. It helps me to think thru his behavior and see it in black and white. I don’t expect you to comment unless you want to. But nor do I want to feel restricted that I can’t talk about what I want to talk about.

    And CDing reminds me, I think a big part of Ryan’s reasoning is that if he has no commitment to me, and leaves it as a friendship level, he is thereby setting me completely free to date…or to walk away.

    I think it is all based in his insecurity. He only wants a woman with him who will never cheat or leave him when the going gets rough. So I am free to walk away any time at all that I find another man.

  473.  #474Femininewoman on January 19, 2012 at 11:21 am

    RE 452 I feel the same way too Iamabutterfly. I have only recently started to change and what I have found is that half of it is in my thinking. So now I think of myself as feminine, I imagine the wind caressing my face and tossing my hand back with the wind blowing through my hair. I laugh at myself in my mind as I practice with Rori’s tools to see what happens around me. It has not been a quick fix but a process that I invite by being opening to learning. I am slowly convincing myself that I am a siren and that I can lure any man.

  474.  #475Iamabutterfly on January 19, 2012 at 11:22 am

    For some reason, it feels really good to just say “Holy crap!”

    What is the truth about me?

    Is that what I need to find?


  475.  #476Iamabutterfly on January 19, 2012 at 11:26 am