Rori Raye’s Rules For Landing The Perfect Man

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What IS a perfect man, anyway?

If you believe you’ve ever had one, or have one in your mind, take out a piece of paper and write down the “qualities” you think made him “perfect” or WILL make him “perfect.”

Now take a look at your list. Maybe you’ve written down things like “attractive (or even handsome), financially secure, sensitive, likes animals, generous…”

Well, my Rules are this (actually – it’s just one Rule to start): It doesn’t matter what you’ve written on the list, or how good he looks on paper, or even how good he looks in real life. His qualities DON’T MATTER.

The only thing that matters is this entry on your list: “When I’m with him, and even when I’m NOT with him – I feel loved, cared for, happy and secure. “ That’s it.

Who he is and How he is mean nothing. How you FEEL with a man is ALL that counts. And I don’t mean how you feel about HIM. I don’t mean how much YOU love HIM, or how excited you feel, or how much “chemistry” there is, or how much “fun” you have together, or how great sex is, or how much you have “in common.” None of that means ANYTHING. We’re often devastatingly attracted to men who are emotionally unavailable or not mature enough to truly be in a committed, real relationship, and then end up literally devastated.

The only thing that means anything is how you feel about YOURSELF in his presence.

So take out your piece of paper and turn it over. Now write a list of how you want to FEEL about YOURSELF in your “perfect” RELATIONSHIP! (Remember – this is about the Relationship, not about the man.) Let me know how it feels to look at relationship this way, and we’ll talk more and more about how all this works.


Rori Raye

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  1.  #1Mary on June 27, 2008 at 4:52 am


    What a terrific start for a blog! This was a really insightful piece, and shows great promise for more to come. I’ll be tuning in, and my relationship will become better for it!

    Thank you! Keep ’em coming –

  2.  #2alias girl on October 10, 2008 at 1:05 am

    this is brilliant. i want to feel adored and secure an safe and protected and loved and wanted and silly and free and sexy and attracted and challenged and soft and stimulated and part of a team and cooperative and figuring things out together and like he was my back and that he praises me publically and is proud of me and proud to be with me and that he feels lucky i chose him. like we both know how lucky we are that we found each other and didn’t settle.

  3.  #3Sasha on November 10, 2008 at 6:50 am

    all women need security. and I need it too, and I dont have that.

  4.  #4Linda on November 14, 2008 at 7:06 pm

    I want to feel loved unconditionally. I want to feel adored and respected. I want to feel attractive and funny. I want to feel warm and safe. I want to feel like I am home, where I belong, can most blossom and flourish. I want to feel excited and impassioned, desired and looked after. I want to feel accepted and cherished.

  5.  #5nir on December 8, 2008 at 10:21 am

    I want to feel loved, cherished, adored, respected. I want to feel like a woman, sexy and beautiful. I want to feel completely safe, as though I can do or say anything and it be okay. I want a man who’s strong inside enough to be an adult man, who’s an equal partner, or even stronger than me. I want a man who’s complete in himself and wanting to give to me, to make me happy, to find out and figure out what will do that, so I feel completely secure in his love. I want to be honored. I want to feel passionately in love with someone who feels even more for me.

  6.  #6Bonnie Zee on December 15, 2008 at 10:06 am

    I love your rule Rori. I, too, have been a woman that had many things on the list, including a certain kind of career, a certain way to act socially, and on and on (and on). And then…. all that went out the window completely when Mr. Gorgeous came into my life because… I feel adored, honored, loved, appreciated, respected, in awe of, excited about, and many other wonderful things, daily, after three months of dating. And the relationship feels effortless. “Effortless” was never a word I would have even fathomed on a list of things I was seeking in a man, I just wasn’t aware it could be that good and easy. And daily, I offer to him, “that feels good”, “you make me feel wonderful”, “I feel excited to see you later”, “that feels great”, etc, etc, so, yes, I’m getting what I need and so is he.

  7.  #7Carenza on April 6, 2009 at 10:47 am

    Oh my – this is such a revealing post – I can’t believe I have never seen this before Rori-

    You should have seen my huge huge huge list – you would have laughed – as a different relationship would end the list would just get bigger ha ha ha this post has actually made me have a real belly laugh – so thank you –

    and it is so simple – of course duh – its how we want to FEEL in the relationship !!!

    So I want to feel:

    Cared for,
    and like we mutually FEEL we have found our true soulmate…

    Mwwhh thank you thank you….

  8.  #8Ingrid on May 6, 2009 at 8:47 pm

    I DO want to feel loved, cherished, adored, special, attractive, etc., when I’m with my man (my husband). Unfortunately, I do not feel this way. I feel unattractive, not very special, not respected, etc. No wonder….he’s been into porn for 20 years, and now had an affair. Is it time to call it quits?

  9.  #9Rori Raye on May 6, 2009 at 10:28 pm

    Dear Ingrid, Welcome and I’m so sorry you have to suffer with this. I have no easy answer for you, and I know if you keep blogging here we’ll be able to help you a lot as you figure this out for yourself. You really do have a great chance to turn this around — start with some of the simple basic tools… I know you must be feeling very angry and shut down, and almost anything you try to get stronger on the inside and softer on the outside, especially feeling messages, will help you tremendously. Love, Rori

  10.  #10Kristen on May 27, 2009 at 9:42 am

    Oh my gosh I love this post! I have been loving all of the wonderful things that Rori has taught me and about being with myself. I thought I had this stuff down pat. A man could come into my life, and I was still centered on ME….how it should be. And then I met this wonderful man. All of a sudden, all of those things that I was prepared to handle with the men I wasn’t that interested was so much harder for me because I liked him soooo much.

    And then I realized…I was completely missing the point. I put him AGAIN at the center of my life…wondering what he was doing, if I should respond to his pointless facebook wall post commenting on a video I posted, wondering why he wasn’t calling, blah blah blah. Making it about HIM. I forgot how to make it about ME.

    All those feelings about how you want to feel in a relationship I was trying to get from HIM. I want to feel those things all the time. And I forgot the most important part…I CAN give those things to MYSELF. Make MYSELF happy! Make myself feel adored, cared for, strong, loved, etc. I forgot that you can’t get those from a man if you first can’t get them from yourself.

    WOW. I feel so powerful right now. Thank you Rori and all the wonderful women on this blog who post such great things.


  11.  #11Rori Raye on May 27, 2009 at 1:36 pm

    Brava!! Rori

  12.  #12Ingrid on May 27, 2009 at 4:00 pm

    Thanks for your great post Kristin!

  13.  #13Alison on October 8, 2009 at 6:47 am

    I love this post also! I’ve just recently started to understand that I need more than one man in my life to meet all of my needs. One for sex, though the men who service this need tend not to stick around very long. I have met men and have men in my life that make me feel smart and funny. Men who adore me and think I’m special. Men who challenge me mentally and take what I say seriously. Men who are helpful. Now after writing this I feel a little scared like I havent been giving enough to them and I’ll loose them if I dont keep them in my orbit by maintaining their friendship. It feels like panic, like I want to control them. I havent felt this panic before when thinking about my male friends or female friends for that matter. Why do I feel so scared? Because I keep thinking that I’m not enough. So it’s my self esteem thats in need of fixing. By seeing the world as my relationship
    I’m feeling the same abandonment feelings I have while in a relationship, that now i could be not enough even for them. Boy I can really beat myself up pretty good. Just saying that makes me feel better. I dont really want to beat myself up. Stop beating yourself. Its ok ,I will take care of you. You’re ok I will take care of you. I really am my own best friend and I will take care of myself , no matter what. I feel scared of this thought because if I take care of myself, be my own best friend, I might not need other people, that I will give up my neediness or worse expose it. I need others to help me feel good about my self and that scares me. I do feel good around others who make me feel needed and important. Thats what I need! To feel valued. To be appreciated. To be loved. Thanks for letting me riff. Will be back later

  14.  #14Alison on October 8, 2009 at 9:38 am

    I’m back and guess what just happened! I had to stop writing because the tow truck guy was here. I was standing on my driveway waiting for a tow truck to take my broken truck away. I also have a broken foot with a cast on it and I have the flu. Needless to say a hug would have felt good right then. So there I was. I was not feeling especially needy or weak, I was getting the truck taken care of. A girl friend was going to give me a lift and pick up my daughter from school later. Another girlfriend will be lending me one of her cars to use.
    So an ex lover, who is working on my neighbors house comes over to me, gives me a kiss and a wonderful hug. The hug felt fantastic. I felt loved, I felt appreciated. It felt good and I took it. I didnt ask for it and I wasnt expecting it. I just took what was being given to me because I felt that I deserved it. I wasnt feeling sorry for myself. It felt great to let this man give to me without asking for it. It was kind of like a reward for me taking care of myself like he had given me a bouquet of flowers. I felt proud of myself and strong and also safe to be vulnerable. My vulnerability was external and obvious because of my broken truck and broken foot but he didnt back away from me. He stepped up and I took what he had to offer. it was exactly what I needed and it felt so good. So a bad day turned into a good day. I have three friends,now four including the tow truck guy, give me everything I needed and I dont feel guilty about it and I dont feel I have to work hard at getting it. What a difference half an hour can make!
    Dear Ingrid, I feel so much of what you are experiencing right now. I was there myself with a husband who pulled away from me. I’ve only started recently using feeling messages with every man I encounter and though it feels a bit awkward at first as Rori says it does, after only a week it is feeling very normal. Men have been responding to me differently. I said to the tow truck guy that it feels humiliating to see my car being pulled up on a tow truck. He laughed and asked me why. He could relate. We talked on the way to the service station and I felt safe that I could talk to him about anything. You will get through this. You are in the right place by being here. Thank you to everyone on this post and thank you Rori. Your passion is so very appreciated.

  15.  #15Trisha on November 7, 2009 at 10:09 pm

    I’ve been with a man 6 years. In the beginning i kept my options opened and kept doing my own thing. He didn’t like it and was forever calling and “stopping by”. He lavished me with gifts, dinners, concerts, vacations and still, i kept my options open. As time went on, i started really appreciating him and his “nice” ways. Then what started out one way started turning into something else. i felt like he was obsessed with me and when my independene got too much on his nerves, he pulled away from me for 6 months. At first i didn’t care but then i started missing him. i started beating myself up for only thinking about myself. He had had enough. i didn’t blame him, at the time. He wound up coming back, 2 girlfriends later while i still remained with no one in my life.When he returned, i went into “overfunctioning” mode. Then he would start bringing up the past and how i treated him so i would then feel guilty. We broke up again. i started using Rori’s tools and got myself back on track. There was no more sex, and i used every tool i could remember on him. Yes, he felt the new “vibe” and “switched hats” yet he was determined to make me suffer for the way i treated him. i was happy at first that we were back together yet it didn’t take long before i was never feeling happy, adored, vibrant or anything like my unique self. i was getting more and more frustrated and depressesd and wondering where he was. He started pulling away and i became more and more molested by suspicion and vexed by anxiety. Anger and even some hatred for him started to take me over. He kept telling me how much he loved me (and still does) and if i would just STOP being SO selfish and seeing how the relationship is NOT all about me and how maybe, JUST MAYBE…I was the one who is wrong! i started feeling bored, lifeless and starved for affection. He just keeps holding back like he’s punishing me until he gets what he wants. Why the hell would i want this? There hasn’t been ONE man in my life all these years to which i am even remotely interested in. i have done some circular dating and yet i never feel connected or really “good” when i’m with them. Is there something wrong with me? Could i be obsessed with him? The “crumbs” he gives to me leaves me feeling so unloved yet i do my best to stay grounded and strong on the inside and when he calls or comes around, i stay sweet, open, non combative and use my feeling messages. Thanks for listening.

  16.  #16FEMENERGYLOVE on January 6, 2010 at 10:35 am

    you should see my mouth.its a big 0.i had never ever ever ever thought about this.rori.Thankyou

  17.  #17Nita on January 21, 2010 at 7:54 pm

    I want to feel respected and admired and loved, and relaxed:( its been hard admitting to myself that my friend does not feel the way about me that i do about him. i hope i feel confident instead of insecure and that i feel like my own person and that that is ok.

  18.  #18Rori Raye on January 22, 2010 at 12:16 am

    Nita, Welcome, and I want that for you too – respect, love, confidence…you can have it…Love, Rori

  19.  #19Trisha on January 26, 2010 at 7:58 am

    wanted to share My response to Jake’s blog (from this year’s Bachelor):
    “Having been born and raised in NY like Gia, i know how being in a difft lifestyle will bring out the best in her. Coming from the “concrete jungle” makes you appreciate the open outdoors and being with someone you’re in love with yet…don’t know if Jake will trust she won’t return to her city roots of desiring the fast pace and glamour. The main thing Jake said that will FOREVER stay with me and will always help me with my marriage choice is when he said,”It’s not about “SEX appeal” it’s about “HEART APPEAL”. Did you notice how every one of their dresses were up around their ASSES, BREASTS ready to POP out and some of them SO tight it left nothing to the imagination!!The camera men must have loved having their jobs this season, esp when the one blonde was on the couch with him…it was almost “soft porn” for crying out loud! When are woman going to understand it’s not HOW MUCH OF YOUR BODY you expose to a man that really KEEPS him interested?”
    Anyone else out there watching it and have a similair viewpoint?

  20.  #20Lisa on March 5, 2010 at 3:35 am


    I am doing really well with all your tools and they are working great for me, so thank you, I am dating and have about 3-5 men in my circular dating circle – i say that beacause one is in NEW zealand and one is just about to go away for two months to a place about 2 days car journey from where I live. Anyway I have been totally focussed on how I feel – how i feel aboutmyself in the relationship and it feels awesome I feel fantastic – pretty much most of the time which is great – the moments when i don’t are usually because I start questioning it all in my head!! my nasty voice!! and the major one for me is that one of the guys is really stepping up and he obviously really likes me – I have given him the no girlfriend speech and he took it really well actually – I am not sure if he is really aware that I am dating other people but I have not hidden it and he doesn’t really ask. He calls and texts me all the time and I don’t chase him, i let him pay and he is fine. The problem is the little nasty voice in my head says ” he is not as good looking as all the lovely bad boys you go for, he is not as tough, or strong blah blah blah” and I know that he looks at me and thinks I am gorgeous and tells me, so i decided to kiss him on our 3rd date to see how i felt about that and surprisingly it was quite nice. I am confused now and don’t know how to keep a handle on it all – do i just keep using the tools and focussing on how i feel?? I guess I miss that wham bam passion and chemistry of being with a really hot guy!! but i also know that this is not the basis of a lasting relationship. I know he wants to get married and have kids so I don’t want to lead him on if i don’t want to do that with him… help – what next ?? i just keep dating and have dropped hints like i told him that i am going for dinner on saturday night and can’t see him and he said nothing – he was like “fine thats no problem – just call me when you have some time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” what do i do??

  21.  #21Rori Raye on March 6, 2010 at 8:10 pm

    Lisa – Just keep doing what you’re doing! This is going to take a little getting used to – being okay with the chaos of this…but this is how it will all start to work out for you. You’re doing great. Love, Rori

  22.  #22shiirreey on April 26, 2010 at 9:16 am

    hi Rori,
    i read this in your e-letter today –
    “the fastest way into a
    man’s heart is to love yourself first and best.
    And that then, he’ll find you totally irresistible
    and step up to join you in loving you the way you
    how do i love myself first and best?
    i know this sounds simple but how do i do this in ways to inspire him to find me irresistible and to want and love me this way? i really don’t think i know – what are some detailed examples? please give me lots of examples. i’ve been in an exclusive relationship with my man for 1.5 years and he hasn’t told me he loves me yet but i have. thanks very much for your help.

  23.  #23shiirreey on April 26, 2010 at 10:10 am

    hi Rori,
    i read this in your e-letter today –
    “the fastest way into a
    man’s heart is to love yourself first and best.
    And that then, he’ll find you totally irresistible
    and step up to join you in loving you the way you
    how do i love myself first and best?
    i know this sounds simple but how do i do this in ways to inspire him to find me irresistible and to want and love me this way? i really don’t think i know – what are some detailed examples? please give me lots of examples.
    i’ve been in an exclusive relationship with my man for 1.5 years and he hasn’t told me he loves me yet but i have, and we see each other almost every day except when he needs some space or is mad at me:) and spend time on weekends together.
    i think if i could do this and he did that, i would feel loved, cared for, happy and secure because he would probably be doing the good things that create these good feelings then – related to your post for landing the perfect man “The only thing that matters is this entry on your list: “When I’m with him, and even when I’m NOT with him – I feel loved, cared for, happy and secure. “ That’s it.”

    thanks very much for your help.

  24.  #24Rori Raye on April 26, 2010 at 12:49 pm

    shiirreey, Welcome – and I’m so sorry you don’t feel you love yourself. There are lots of posts here around that, and I know all the wonderful women here will help you with this…tips on how to love ourselves is always terrific to share! Love, Rori

  25.  #25BonnieZee on April 27, 2010 at 3:01 am

    Hi Shiirreey,
    I read your post and I have to say, I’ve been there girlfriend. And I have to also say that I’ve been following Rori’s suggestions diligently for close to two years and I am in the most amazing relationship. I feel adored, loved, cherished, desired, etc, etc. But it wasn’t always like that. Just a couple of years ago, when I discovered Rori, I was in a relationship where I felt bad about 26 out of 30 days every month for 3 years. I was lied to, cheated on, not respected, and felt undesirable.

    Bottom line.. I had to get willing to walk away. And believe it or not, that took a while. I was attached to drama, unhappiness, not being good enough, and believing I wasn’t good enough to be the only woman in a man’s life. I used to be dishonest with myself and tell myself I was happy, fulfilled, that things would get better, that he’d change if I could convince him of my great relationship ideas, and on and on with things I did to “distract” myself from the bottom line truth that my relationship was not a good one, and that I’d wasted my time with yet another guy, and all that head stuff we tell ourselves when we pretend we can hang around for one more day just to make sure it’s not going to change.

    Let me say this… a year and 1/2 is too long. Don’t wait another second, get your things and leave. Do it for you. Instead of thinking about how you can love yourself, just “act” like you do. Pretend you do. Do what you think someone would do who loves themself. And don’t look back, believe me, if you are special enough, he’ll be back for you, even if you ingore him for an entire month.

    Here’s another thing, right this minute, go on craigslist and run an ad. Use all the I feel messages Rori talks about like “I feel happy when….” “I feel good spending time with friends…” things like that (and leave out all the wounded stuff). Then when a dozen guys write you over the course of a few days (or less) go out with them on the circular dating Rori recommends.

    If you want it to be different… you got to do something different girlfriend. The good life awaits you, but not with this guy. Not after that long.

    Good Luck.

  26.  #26Rori Raye on April 27, 2010 at 8:59 am

    BonnieZee – Welcome, so happy to have you here, and thank you so much for the craigslist idea – I’d forgotten that that was one of the first things I ever recommended – it’s worked for many, many of my clients. Brava to you for your fabulous story! Love, Rori

  27.  #27Melanie on June 17, 2010 at 10:07 pm

    I have to say that I’ve been reading a lot of these blogs over the last few days and I believe that this one rule/exercise has given me that “oh my god, why didn’t I think of this” moment. I started writing a journal today for the first time since I was a child and one of the things that came up in my thoughts was why I was so oblivious and wasn’t really sure what “Love” really was, how it was supposed to feel, what it looked like and would I really be able to identify it if I ever had it. While I was writing it in my journal my thought was I will probably NEVER know the answer to these questions. I was starting to feel bad about it and beating myself up over it. I was thinking to myself, am I that selfish that I can only have unconditional love with my children? I was married for 17 years and I don’t think I have truly had unconditional love for anyone including my (now) ex-husband or anyone else I ever had a relationship with. I’ve also never received “unconditional love” from anyone other than my parents and children. Well I believe this “rule” has answered this question for me. It’s NOT about HIS good or bad qualities and habits. It’s about how I FEEL when I am with him. (By the way, sounds kind of selfish) Lol

    Thank you so much I think the light bulb has finally lit up.

  28.  #28Denise on October 3, 2010 at 11:58 am

    What if you feel you found a perfect man, and you feel wonderfully adored in his presence…safe, secure, esteemed, and everything feels perfect, fun, and so lucky; but after establishing attraction, trust, connection, over many months, he stil won’t have sex with you?

    He confided to me he is afraid he will feel too emotional and he doesn’t trust himself that he would not withdraw from me. And he said he does not want us to be over. So I am patient BUT frustrated after ten months.

    This is an interesting section of the blog, and good to hear growth stories. Any suggestions ladies as to how to move this forward?

  29.  #29Rori Raye on October 3, 2010 at 3:08 pm

    Denise – something’s wrong. Perhaps he’s gay? Or we have the “40 year-old-virgin” scenario? Just keep dating him AND OTHER MEN!!! Or – Ask him to MARRY YOU!!! Love, Rori

  30.  #30Bonnie Zee on October 3, 2010 at 3:14 pm

    I guess I’d have to ask myself, even with all those amazing qualities, would I want to hang out for a guy who didn’t want to have sex with me. My answer is no way. Without being able to intimately connect something will always feel lacking. Plus, personally, I think he’s sleeping with someone else.

  31.  #31Denise on October 3, 2010 at 5:02 pm

    Rori and Bonnie Zee, I don’t believe he is seeing anyone else or sleeping around, and seems to have awesome moral standards. We often speak late at night before sleep when we are not together. He is regimented in his work & work out schedule. Although I do circulate date, keep super active with family and friends, and am happy without him, I appreciate my time with him, as he makes me feel quite special. He is extremely affectionate, and will give me great pleasure, just not intercourse. Rori, one detail is that he is “widowed” from a 20+ year on again/off again relationship, where she proposed to him on her death bed, and now it has been two years since she passed. I know he has anger over her death, and a fear of loss, and I try to facilitate change, and make him aware of how much possibility awaits us all. He always comments how wonderful and perfect I am, ( good laugh!) how positive thinking. He has lived with one other woman, besides his fiance. He makes plans for our near future- comes up with fun ideas, like dance lessons, which we are about to start, and he is teaching me golf. I think he is just stuck going very, very sloooow. I remember to be unconditional in my love. I have not had this successful relationship in over ten years, and I have a lot to give. He could be the one. Funny, I have not thought about asking him to marry me!

  32.  #32Denise on October 6, 2010 at 5:48 pm

    Dear Rori:

    Were you serious about asking him to marry me?

    I had some success in leaning back, and hoped for my adoring man to call. This man has been the best relationship of my last decade by far. When we are together, everything is great. He called today and we spoke about our disappointing no-sex episode from this weekend, as he brought it up. I inquired if he was indeed attracted to me. He says yes, adamantly. He always tells me how beautiful I am, how wonderful I look (even with no makeup or dressed up, trust me: he is hooked with my femininity). I gave him feeling messages, and how he has been so wonderful to me, how he has been such a fabulous, supportive friend, and that as a friend, the basis of relationship is honesty and trust. I made him feel he could trust me. He was resistant to talking and told me how hard it was for him.

    Gingerly, I questioned about him his current morals of sex before marriage at this time, (not at all- in fact quite the contrary, he bragged as before), in fact, he says I should have slept with him at the beginning, and then it wouldn’t have been such a big deal. He said he had slept with his last two important relationships on the first date, and it wasn’t a serious thing, just fun so there was no hesitancy. He knew I wanted to wait. After about a month into dating, he said he had not expected to fall in love with me.
    Then I asked about his religious background or familial teachings, which we have already discussed and knew that could not be it, about if he was feeling something gay, (no chance to either there he laughed), or having disease, (he’s clean), the loss of his ex, all as potential reasons explaining why he won’t go further. He disliked me asking such probing deep issues, but I said I deserved to know the truth.
    He said he has told me the answer over and over, that I do not want to believe, which is that he is afraid he will withdraw and disappear, as he has done before. I asked how he thought that could happen, or predict that as an outcome, if he does not know how he would feel at that time. I asked why he would expect that, and doesn’t he want a different outcome to occur? He thinks I will want more immediately. He says he does not want the responsibility that comes from that. He said he may not ever want marriage, which he knows I believe in, as he was pushing back. I said we could talk about that later, what makes you think it would change anything from how it is already now, for now, and that we have to take one step at a time!?

    We discussed the laws of physics, how nothing stays the same, and if we aren’t moving forward, we aren’t moving. He made a depressing comment, about being still, with sick reference to strangling himself, ala “South Park” would that be moving or still, such sophmoric humor in the midst of a serious convo! I said why do you want to paint it all black? I asked if he was sleeping with others, and he said he cannot imagine of that, or how I would think he would be able to do that, but doesn’t expect me to be loyal. After more joking, he wanted to end the talk as he said he was getting tired. I finished by saying I did not want to make his problem my issue but that it is affecting us and that he needs to be willing to work to make a change. I used the expression “there is a BIG white elephant in the room that you are pretending is hiding under the carpeting, but it needs to come out and he handled”!

    Is his fear of commitment normal? Do I have to keep rubber banding? I feel tremendous in his presence, as he gives and gives to me. Sex would be the icing on the cake, as he is a superb lover up to a certain point.

    BTW- I wonder if yo usaw my letter from the weekend? I am c-dating! I am trying different things constantly, have a fun social life, and give back in the community. I keep myself happy and my self esteem is exceedingly well in gear. When can I have it ALL?

  33.  #33Brenda on October 6, 2010 at 7:56 pm


    I am really intrigued about why Rori suggested you ask him to marry you. It sounds so anti-Rori Raye dance position! 🙂

  34.  #34Denise on October 7, 2010 at 11:43 am

    Brenda, I am still WONDERING.
    I am pleased to hear of your upcoming date! I do not see the red flag of a wedding date. Just don’t expect much beyond this Saturday’s coffee. Then lay back. Good luck!

    Guess what? I too meet someone else in my CDing. We had a few emails and now a few calls. He sounds very easy to talk to and we have a lot in common, about family background and biz experience. I’ll call him Inventor Man. Commonalities are great! It was a good boost for me yesterday.

    Perfect Man and I did not discuss last night what we are doing this weekend, which felt strange. He did not brign it up after all the stress talk. Normally, he expects me to have a game plan. I am leaning way back, and we’ll see if he made it through the convo last night. Meantime, today, my good male friend calls and asks if we want to double date on Saturday; we frequently see this couple for dinner. She has been gone for a long three week break, so it has been more than a month. I said to my guy friend, “I hope so”, but if Perfect man doesn’t call, I hate to disappoint. I am so used to having a plan.

    I am not planning on Proposing just yet, to Perfect Man. But don’t think the topic has not been first and foremost since Rori’s comments.

    What do some of you sirens think about that idea???

  35.  #35Brenda on October 7, 2010 at 11:53 am


    I’m going to respond on the newest thread, “5 Keys…”

  36.  #36Taylor a. perry on November 3, 2010 at 7:33 am

    i love your writing it’s good and it helped me on my relationship??????????

  37.  #37Carmela on December 13, 2010 at 1:45 pm


    I haven’t posted in a while. But I was starting up something new with a guy I know. Totally not going like I expected. I started over functioning, big time. OMG! But these things happen. So I was reading the blog to get some insight, remind myself of who I am as a woman. and I started writing down how I wanted to feel about myself in a relationship. This is what I wrote so far: “In a relationship I want to feel this way about myself. I want to feel snugly safe, relaxed, confident that if things aren’t perfect the relationship won’t end but grow and change. I want to feel cared for, I want to feel that I can receive care and not be afraid of being abused. I want to feel like I will never be abandoned. I will never abandon myself for a man!” I had been feeling wounded all day about the mistakes I made in this situation. But I’m just a girl! And the best thing I could give myself is my own support by accepting myself and never, EVER abandoning myself for another person, a man or anyone else. I have to continue to make sure I feel how I want to feel. And if I don’t feel the way I want to feel in a relationship? I use the tools until I feel like I want to feel? Is that right? Sometimes I feel like I understand and sometimes, I feel like I missed something. Still working on it, work in progress. I was very moved when I realized that I would not abandon myself! That was very meaningful for me. And that actually made me feel better than I have in the last 2 days! Thanks for holding up the mirror, Rori.

  38.  #38Lovey on January 14, 2011 at 10:01 pm

    hi everyone! i’m new here. i must say this is one of the best blogs i’v ecome across. why didn’t i find it sooner? 🙁 anyways, i made my list and then the surprise came- i want a secure rship, full of love and warmth knowing that i’m the centre of his universe. and Denise, i’d give anything for a man to be able to wait till our wedding night before having sex, i see you as lucky to have such a man tho’ seems no one wil readily agree to dat.

  39.  #39Ana on February 1, 2011 at 2:48 pm

    After doing the revolving door for 6 years… I finally found a sweet, loving and committed man, however, after 3 months of dating, I realized we came from completely different backgrounds and I don’t fancy him anymore. It is not about being superficial, but feeling secure and that a man can be at the same intellectual and financial level as I am, so that he can live up to my same life style and afford the places and life style I can afford. There are 2 things here: 1. Either I sponsor him, since he can’t afford it -and that to me is not sexy at all-. Or I need to lower my standards, so that he can afford it -this option will not bring me happiness at all-. Ironic how finding a giving, loving man, who is poor is also not good enough. Is either finding the successful playboy or the nice looser. What can I do?

  40.  #40Christal on March 30, 2011 at 1:45 pm

    Dear Rori,

    BIG PROBLEM….I have no problem feeling what I’m feeling most of the time…..the problem is it MOST OFTEN manifests itself in the form of crying or looking like I want to cry….but very often crying. I don’t cry on a whim just for fun, I actually am having a deep, sad feeling every time it happens.

    I find that this can make a man dispassionate or unaffected since I cry more often than other people.

    What can I do?

  41.  #41Wanda on April 9, 2011 at 4:34 am


    I understand the crying..I also have deep feelings …I seem to cry more with the Love of My Life than I ever have with another man…I am 67..he is 80 and I have known him for over 30 years..His wife died three years ago and now that we can see each other,time seems against us..he is failing in health and is always pushing me away,,he can’t seem to understand that I just want to be with him..that I expect nothing except his love…I feel so rejected….

  42.  #42kim on May 14, 2011 at 1:04 pm

    this changes everything for me…I have been involved with a man I beleive to be “the one” for the past year, but have always thought that it was because of what we have in common and how i like who he is…but the fact is….he makes me feel exactly as you say it should be…I want more of that..and we are beginning to drift into the friend stage as a result of my being too clingy..too needy…I want to turn that around fast. I will follow the “rules” now and see what happens.

  43.  #43Gail on May 19, 2011 at 3:25 am

    Hi,I dont want to leave a comment but instead have a question.I tried leaving a question on the question page but dosent seem to work.

    I am a 51 year old woman who had been in contact with a 54 year old man in another province.We seem to have so much in common,he even asked me to find him work here cause he wanted to move and eventually move back to where he was born.We also talked about me moving back home with him,build a house by the water,he open his own business and we live happy and in love.He had called me a couple of times cause he said it was cheaper for him to call from his cell phone,other time’s something always came up why he couldnt call.We used to chat everyday then it got to be less,he said its cause there were problem’s and thats why he didnt contact me but had promised if something came up he would let me know either by mail or call so I wouldnt worry.Well,one night we were having a good chat and he would call me when I got home from a walk, I told him I am a big woman which he said is fine as long as I like alot of sex,told him yes but only when in a relationhip,when I got home from a walk,he left an e-mail saying he was stuck in a meeting and would call me next night,he never called,and never got on line.I e-mailed good morning,no reply,e-mailed again next day,no reply,I called his cell phone to see if he was ok,he hung up on me.I e-mailed and gave him shit.A week later he finally got on chat and toally ignored me.In all the time we were exchanging messages on his and my page’s a married woman from his hometown left comments on his page accusing him of beign a gold digger and prick,next day they were off each others friends list.After all that time ignoring me he finally replied asking if I ad a recent pic,sent him one to whic he replied”thats why I did what I did to get pic and holy shit your beautiful to my eyes,hot,sexy”..He removed me from his friends list.I wrote him saying I dotn hold grudges and I am a forgiving person and asked if we could be friends,well,he set his page so I couldnt leave anymore comments,once again I wrote and gave him shit.He is frends again with married woman.What busieness was it of her’s who he likes and why delete me and add her back?Was he playing me?Do they have a thing for each other when he once told me they there was something going on cause she said she was seperated from her husband but found out it wasnt true and he threatend to tell her husband if she didnt back off when he and me where chatting.Please,can someone help me with this?

  44.  #44Rosa on May 19, 2011 at 5:19 am

    Gail this sounds upsetting.
    Mostly I am struck by two things .

    Firstly you are feeling BAD with this man . This post is all about how you need to feel GOOD , wanted , loved and cherished..Ask yourself is this FEELING you are feeling what you want? What do you need to change about yourself , your thoughts and actions to feel better? One thing for sure is there is only ONE person in this scenario that you can change and its you.

    Secondly Gail , this is what Rori calls an imaginary relationship. If hes not in front of you relating to you its not real. Emails and a few calls and FB chat do not make it real.

    He has insulted you by hanging up and deleting you and you have leaned forward and chased him to try and get him to change . This has NOTHING whatsoever to do with any other woman he may have contact with nor even with him. This has to do with YOU completely, and the dreams and hopes you pinned on a guy who is not in front of you stepping up..

    Please read all the posts on circular dating and on Imaginary Relationships. There is a lot of help from women on the most recent blog at the top of the page

  45.  #45Gail on May 19, 2011 at 5:28 am

    Why do I feel now like it’s all my fault?I shouldnt have chased and given shit.I have discussed this situation with family member’s and friend’s and they have all agreed that the man in question was playing me and he wouldnt change.I am hurt,angry and confused to the sudden change of heart on his side…

  46.  #46Kimberlie on June 12, 2011 at 10:14 pm

    Boys I love make me crazy. I know its because I cant control them.

    Ive always known that love is simple and theres no need to force a relationship.

    I use to be good at being the siren girl, charming any guy I wanted, but it seems I have lost my magic with the guy in my life today, ugh!

    How do you just stop/end a relationship that you just know in your gut is going nowhere, when you are so addicted to this guy that everytime u try and end it u feel sick??

  47.  #47Kenny on June 28, 2011 at 9:15 pm

    As a man seeking help with a woman’s heart (in long-distance relationship, already in love after brief yet emotionally intense (not physical: but intimate) meeting as patients in hospital…and wanting to build the relationship…can you help??
    Any point in a man buying your e-book etc.?

  48.  #48Lily on August 3, 2011 at 9:43 am

    I just went through a breakup and the more I read these articles the more depressed I get, because I realize there is so much I did wrong and I lost the love of my life as a result. I can’t stop thinking about him and all of my mistakes and how I constantly overwhelmed him with too much attention and gave much more than I needed to… I loved him so dearly and he was my best friend… He was a great guy and we were truly wonderful together for two years, and whether I was with him or not, I always felt loved and secure. But in the end, I got this: “I love you, but I’m not as madly in love with you as you deserve!” Rori, I wish I had found you a few months ago… maybe I could have saved us… where do I go from here? How can I stop blaming myself? I keep thinking that he was “the one” and I ruined it… I didn’t give him the space to really fall madly in love with me… Please help! Thanks!

  49.  #49LILI 41 on September 5, 2011 at 6:59 pm

    Thanks for this post Rori! Allthough it dates back to 2008, that’s exactly what I needed to read today. That is exactly where I am at right now. I broke up with my bf 2 weeks ago and this was my speach to him: When you flirt with other women I sense that you are keeping the door open to other options while keeping me on the shelf waiting. It makes me feel like I am unimportant, insecure and jealous and I wonder if that’s what it’s like when I’m there what is it like when I’m not around? I am turning away men that are paying attention to me because I chose you. I sense your confusion and doubtfulness about comitting to me. So I feel that I should give these men a chance from now on. He then asked me if there was someone else, I said no but I need something else…I need to be in a relationship where I feel chosen, and that you have eyes only for me and you want no other…to feel confident and peaceful that way, and that’s how I want to make you feel. I want us to be comfortable talking about anything and everthing. That’s the relationship I want and I will want the man I can have that with. Right now I just need to go away to visit my family for a whole week to get back in touch with roots and think only of me and not our relationship.
    I was out of town visiting my family for a whole 7 days. I left on Friday and he called me on Tuesday and asked me when I was coming back. I was not coming back until the following Friday. He asked if he could call me on Friday. He left a family party on Friday and rushed over to see me eventhough I told him that I was too tired and wanted to be by myself. He looked at me in the eyes and told me he loved me, WOW! He hasn’t said that to me since our honeymoon stage in the 1st 4 months of our 2year relationship. I had tears in my eyes. He said that he would give me time to think and to call him when I had done my thinking. I said that I already did all the thinking I needed to do all this summer, and that he’s the one who needs to do the thinking to figure out what he wants. I told him that I wasn’t going to call him for him to take me for granted again and put me back on the shelf. He said: Then I will definitely be calling you. He gave me a break on Saturday while he worked a 12hour shift and called me again on Sunday. He asked if I needed anything from the grocery store (looking for an excuse to come over). I really appreciated him bringing me milk and orange juice for breakfast the next day, then I didn’t have to go out to get it myself. I thanked him very kindly, gave him a hug and a kiss on the cheek. He did not overstay his welcome and left me my space today.
    I took the weekend to enroll in a zumba class at the gym, I cleaned my appartment, washed the floors, called my friends to catch up, worked on my budget…IT FEELS SO WONDERFUL TO HAVE MY FOCUS BACK ON ME AND NOT WORRY SO MUCH ABOUT HIM ! Thanks a million to Rori! I have myself back. I tried to force myself to follow the advice all summer, but it finally came so easy and on its own when I got fed up enough of my situation. I felt so lonely, afraid and trapped. Now I feel free as a bird ! and unattached to the outcome with this fella, because what matters to me now is not him but how I feel and the relationship I want.
    Hang in there ladies and keep reading.

  50.  #50LILI 41 on September 5, 2011 at 7:13 pm

    I wasn’t listening when he was telling me that he was getting too much pressure from all sources: His ex, his son, his clients…and me. He finally triggered me to have me go away and leave him his space. He did tell me at some point that he felt bad that he had to work so much and didn’t have time for me and he didn’t even have time for himself. I wasn’t listening. He had to cancell our vacation plans to trigger me into laying off the pressure on him, leave him his space to think. What that space did was show him how much he missed me and that he does love me. He said that he always feels happy when he sees me show up.
    Now I just have to keep focusing on me and learn how to listen more, communicate with my feelings to whomever will step up to the plate.
    Whatever the outcome, Rori’s advice does make me feel better about myself and where I am.

  51.  #51Maria on March 30, 2012 at 3:45 pm


    I am 59 years old, divorced ten years ago. Four months ago, I met a man that atracted me so much because we have so much in common, such as occupation, etc. After two months of dating he told me he did not want a serious relationship, only friends with benefits. I accepted, then, but now I feel depressed because I found that I am not the only one, he is dealing with another lady “friend”. Please, give me some advice because I feel so confused, underestimated, and definitely this man is using me. He talk very religioulsly, about God and how he(God ) blessed us by being able to have sex at our age( he is 61).

  52.  #52Rori Raye on March 30, 2012 at 5:24 pm

    Maria – He’s NOT using you! He told you – honestly and straight-forwardly, what he wanted. “Friends with benefits” is exactly what he said and it’s exactly what you have. You simply chose not to hear him or believe him. The problem here is that you have little experience. Circular Date! Get your own harem of men around you, have fun! And see what happens! You might meet a man who wants what you want – and perhaps, in time, this man will actually want to settle down…but you have to focus on what YOU’RE doing – not what HE’S doing! Love, Rori

  53.  #53Maria on April 4, 2012 at 5:39 pm

    Thanks Rori,
    I am thinking about Circular Dating and see what happens. I will focus on what I will be doing and let you know the results. Maybe I will loose him but is better than be on denial. Will see.
    Thanks again, Now I feel better.

  54.  #54Carlene on May 23, 2012 at 7:34 pm

    Hi Rori, My husband has left me for another woman. he left and came back then left again. He’s staying in an extended stay. He says he doesn’t know whats wrong with him and now he’s distancing himself from me. We are both 60, not youngsters and the woman is chinese, 52 with a 6 year old child. He’s getting an apartment, I told him that he should live with her since that’s why he’s leaving. We had an 8 year, long distance relationship before he made the move to my home where he’s lived now 5 years. We’ve only been married 2.5 years though. All of my friends keep telling me to forget him, don’t let him back. I’m not sure he’ll want to come back but I love him and we’ve had a very loving marriage. This woman is a business partner and has done everything in her power to distract him and make me crazy. What do I do? I have Modern Sirens and Relationship. Please help.

  55.  #55Rori Raye on May 24, 2012 at 9:16 am

    Carlene – as far as my Tools go – this is the key here for you: “I told him that he should live with her since that’s why he’s leaving.” If, in the midst of all this pain, you can choose to TELL him What To Do – that tells me it’s been your general “style.” He’s looking for a woman who WON’T be telling him what to do – he wants a “girl” – and is just hoping this other woman is more like one than you are. She likely is NOT – and you now have the tools to turn into a girl overnight. So DO it!

    SO – this is what I tell all my clients in this situation. 1. See a lawyer and know everything you need to do to protect yourself financially and to know how it will look financially if you divorce him. This gives you some groundedness and solidity. 2. Go back through Modern Siren and the ebook and do The 4 Rules 100% of the time – give him no advice, no anything. Just express your feelings. If you love him, then be sweet and loving to yourself and to him, don’t blame anyone – just express your feelings (not your thoughts!) Get some private coaching if you can – that’s SO helpful. You might try Dominique – Love, Rori

  56.  #56dani on September 18, 2012 at 6:25 pm

    I think your website is totally fabulous. I have learn so much from the mistakes of my past relationships by reading your blog. You are truly a blessing!

  57.  #57Lisa H. on October 9, 2012 at 11:35 am

    Hi everyone:
    I’m new to the blog and I’m learning so much from all of you. Thank you! My comment on this post and theres probably a question in here somewhere is this: I was with my Fiance for 7 years. He broke up with me about 9 weeks ago. Up until the last six months I felt secure in the relationship. I was happy, content, felt secure, felt his love. He always was good to me, affectionate, giving, kind. He had his flaws of course. But I loved him for who he was. And I know he loved me. I really feel he still does love me. But I dont feel as those he is happy with who he is or his life experiences.This is one of reasons he said he needed to separate from me. And it is a breakup not a “break” . He told me one of his issues is that he got married to the first girl he was ever in a serious relationship with and was married 23 years for a total of 29 years! He was not quite divorced when he started seeing me and we were together 7 years so he never really experienced what I and alot of people did. Meaning being “out” in the dating world. He is 53. I love him. I feel in my heart he loves me. We talk everyday and see each other about once a week. I know he is seeing another women. I’m having trouble bringing myself to even try circular dating. When I make a list everything about him is almost all positive. I know I need to get some of Rori’s programs. But in the meantime? I really need some advice. Thanks all. This is a wonderful blog and truly inspiring. Every other one I have come across is more depressing than helpful. So thankful I found all of you!

  58.  #58Daria on October 9, 2012 at 11:44 am

    Hi Lisa – welcome 🙂

    only the newest post is sually actively being commented on. You can try going to and clicking the top article and post your comment there 🙂

  59.  #59Rhonda on January 11, 2013 at 8:25 am

    Do you have any experiece with dealing with a man with PTSD. A man who truly does not believe he has the capacity to love.

  60.  #60Rori Raye on January 12, 2013 at 10:56 am

    Rhonda, Welcome, and thank you for your great question – I’m answering it in a full post. Love, Rori

  61.  #61Lovebug on February 1, 2013 at 5:39 pm

    Hi Rori,

    What do you do when your man often asks for your advice? Do you have any specific tools for this?

    I have been seeing a guy for a little over 2 years. It seemed to me like we were on track to get married. Then I got pregnant, and suddenly things started to fall apart. I found out that while he does love me, he is struggling with feelings for his ex that won’t seem to go away. Along with that, he says he is struggling with not feeling that “urge” to marry me.

    (It doesn’t help that his ex is contacting him all the time and urging him to leave me and get back together with her.)

    I have used your tools, which have improved our communication quite a bit – especially when resolving conflict and we have grown closer as a result. However, this closeness seems to come with a certain “heaviness” in the air. How do we maintain that kind of intimacy when we are not dealing with the hard stuff? I miss the lighthearted, fun, carefree times.

    I noticed that in our normal conversation he often asks my advice for everything, from business ideas, to how he should manage his money, to his interpersonal relations with his family. I like that he respects me enough to want to hear my opinion, but sometimes I wonder if I am telling him what to do too much and acting more like his mother than a girlfriend? Could this be killing our romance along with everything else? If so, how do I change the conversation? Sometimes this can be fun for us – especially when we talk about ideas and dreams for the future. I don’t want to lose that part of it, but I can’t help but wonder if his asking for my advice – and me giving it to him, is killing the romance?

  62.  #62Rori Raye on February 2, 2013 at 10:01 am

    Lovebug – your position as advice-giver IS killing the romance! Stop NOW!!! Just Listen To Him (Tool in the ebook – go get it on the sidebar here…), nod your head, say, “wow” and “crap,” and just hear him. Then say “Oh…it feels to me like you’re handling this incredibly, and I have so much faith in you. You’re so smart…” Like that. Just little bits, then smile at him and go make yourself some tea. If his ex was bossy – perhaps he’s very feminine and wants you to be even MORE in control. Doesn’t sound like fun to me – and the emphasis here is on the pregnancy. Go GIRL!!! Love, Rori

  63.  #63Tiffany on March 8, 2013 at 11:36 am

    Hi everyone, I’m a stay at home mom (1 girl age 3), I live with my boyfriend (my girls father) in the home he owns. We have been together for 7 years and have know one another all our lives. Everything was great untill I quit my job and devoted myself to my family, now he is distant, not sure about us and don’t wont to get married. I have read an been trying to use your advice but not to much has changed, what do you think I should do?

  64.  #64Rori Raye on March 8, 2013 at 1:15 pm

    Tiffany – the answer seems obvious – he wants you to keep working, be independent, bring in money, and have a life outside the home. Most men feel the need for a two-income home. Do you have a date to find at least part-time work when your daughter goes to pre-school? If not – and if you don’t need the money – perhaps a part-time work-from-home experience or volunteer work would do the job. He’s just lost the thrill. Love, Rori

  65.  #65Tiffany on March 8, 2013 at 5:00 pm

    Thanks Rori for the advice an I think a job is a great ideal, not only for him but for me as well. I have felt so depended on him for everything, even though we both agreed for this situation and I have felt truly blessed to be able to stay home an watch my little girl grow. There is a few problems though Em wont start school till the fall and I don’t have my own vehicle, but I’ll just try and see how things work out. Also one more thing he is really moody and not at all willing to kiss or show me he cares and the one thing I don’t like is he pushes me away when I try to kiss or hug him what should I do.