Saying Goodbye

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rori and hazelMy husband wrote this lovely letter to friends for our dog, Hazel, who died yesterday:

“Hi,

I just wanted to let you all know that Hazel got her angel wings today. She hung on and fought for almost a year, yet despite all the medications, her seizures were coming too often (along with other problems).

We remember Hazel as fun and feisty. Her bark was both annoying at times and reassuring every time she scared the mailman away. Hazel was Rori’s loyal companion for ten years.

And up until she got sick, would sleep at the foot of the bed, and sometimes under the covers. She and I had some great runs up and down the blocks in our neighborhood.

She was a champion tennis ball chaser. And every time she would corner Boston, she would just nudge him with her nose…and he finally learned that she only wanted to play.

We miss her already.

Jeffrey, Rori and Boston”

(Boston is our cat…..)

It’s hard to say goodbye, and it was so much harder for me to make the decision to say goodbye.

I could have let her physical state decline and kill her, or, I could have stepped in and made sure she had a peaceful transition rather than the frightening one I could imagine from having assisted her through so many, now coming every day, seizures. I chose the second option.

I have nursed her for nearly a year, getting up every morning before I wanted to to give her medication that had already begun ceasing to work, cooking her food, adding in supplements and alternative medications and wondering every time if they were helping her or hurting her.

And, in the end – none of it matters. I struggle with – was I helping her “go” because I didn’t want her to suffer, or because I “wanted my life back”?

I struggle with “if only” and “guilt” and “responsibility.”

I struggle with my notions of God and death and what happens after, and who we are, anyway.

I struggle with the “angel wings” image that has always felt good in the past.

I struggle with so many thoughts in my head.

I see Hazel everywhere, and then struggle with the question of her imaginary or real presence right now.

And when I notice my struggle, I stop. I “sit with it” and see what happens.

When I notice any kind of “judging” of myself, or the situation, I stop. I sit with it and see what happens.

And when I’m in the middle of “something” everyday, and I feel like I can’t “stop” – I stop anyway. I let my hands down. I let whatever I’m holding down. I let my thoughts down, I let my body down, wherever I am.

Often, I feel incapacitated by tears, often, I notice something else in the park, or the room, and my thoughts and feelings change instantly.

And I’m only now beginning to notice that my tears come of their own volition. Without any help from my thoughts I consciously think.

That thoughts come from some place of habit, some of effort, and mostly, I see now, from the gifts my brain and the voices in my head are trying to gift me with to keep me feeling human.

**I want to recommend the lovely people who helped us ease Hazel’s transition, if you’re in Los Angeles:

ChoiceVet: http://www.choicevet.com/

I spoke first with Michelle, and Peter, her husband, came to our house. He was so wonderful, smart, tender, an amazing vet, and without pushing in any way, helped me feel right about our decision. The process couldn’t have been more gentle and untraumatic.

Everything that I discovered going on in my head and body throughout this whole year Hazel and I have worked through together since she became ill, I seem to apply to life in general – my relationship to struggle, responsibility, the build-up of stress rather than the conscious unwinding of it…

I notice I feel irritated at all the everyday things that “interrupt” my grief.

Perhaps I feel irritated at everything, always, that interrupts my “train of thought.”

I have such a blessed life, with a husband who supports and loves me unequivocally.

My instincts made me want to sob in private, behind my office door, and, instead, I decided to walk back into the living room to cry on his shoulder and allow him to hold me.

Whenever things shake us up, our world view, our life philosophies get shaken up. And, for me – there are two constants that always get me back on the best “train”:

1. What Is is What Is.

My only job is to love and accept what is, what has happened, and to do that – my moment-by-moment assignment is to notice when I’m judging. To notice when I’m blocking love that already exists from going in and out of me. Through me. To notice when I’m making myself available to love. When I’m making myself unavailable to love.

To notice what I’m choosing to believe about myself and about love and about life.

It doesn’t matter what I’m “making up.” The question is: What is that choice feeling like?

2. Life loves me.

There’s nothing dangerous or neutral about life. If I don’t believe that life loves me, it doesn’t feel good.

And since I’m making all this up, anyway, this is the train I choose to be on: The train where life loves me, and What Is is ALL there is.

Memories and emotions are part of how my brain and body work as a human.

I miss Hazel. I miss her face. I miss all the feelings I ever had over her whole life. I miss many things. And my assignment is to remember the lovely things, and celebrate them. To follow my urge to be grateful for everything life gives me instead of following whatever else comes up.

When I think unlovely thoughts, feel regrets, question myself, punish past deeds and thoughts – it’s my job to stop – and then let myself be taken on the Love Train, to where love comes first.

Love, Rori

 

 

 

171 Comments

  1.  #1GlowStix on August 15, 2013 at 11:17 pm

    oh…. 🙁

    ((((((((((((((((((((rori))))))))))))))))))))))



  2.  #2GlowStix on August 15, 2013 at 11:46 pm

    I struggle with, what do I say to help comfort you, a mentor. Do you need my comfort? I feel like… “shut up” and don’t say anything. Say how awesome Rori is. Make her smile. No no! Say you are sending her love. Whatever…I send it, I don’t need to say it. And like…What’s that got to do with it? Flailing girl…You have helped me so much, and all I want is to help you too. And I also feel in awe of how you teach me, even in your grief. And I shed tears, and grieve with you.

    uhhhh…Sigh. It just fxcking hurts when someone you love has to leave life. There are never any *words* really. Self soothing in our own ways, always, no matter what. I guess I do know that it sometimes lightens the load to have others to share our grief with.



  3.  #3ruth on August 15, 2013 at 11:47 pm

    Love to you
    xxxxxxxxxx



  4.  #4Sirenity on August 16, 2013 at 1:01 am

    Animals are a blessing and a great teacher. Thank you for sharing your story and your tears Rori.

    The main reason I am not moving from my small CD-less town just now is my elderly dog. We believe he has a melanoma in his eye which will no doubt catch up with him eventually. So I am enjoying our walks and cuddles and when his time comes he will be eased along too.

    Its not wrong to acknowledge the inconvenience of old sick pets (could well be keeping me from a loving partner just now) and I do feel impatient sometimes.

    But guilt? No. You did great Rori .

    From one Dog Lover to another.



  5.  #5RiverGirl on August 16, 2013 at 1:59 am

    ((((Rori)))) Such a brave thing to do Rori, and the loving thing to do. It’s very hard to say goodbye to a cherished pet and the feelings are just as real as when we are grieving the passing of a human friend. Don’t feel guilty for those moments when you feel relieved not to have to take care of her any more, instead think of the relief your dear little dog will be feeling not to be struggling with seizures any longer. X



  6.  #6Syreena on August 16, 2013 at 2:00 am

    Hugs Rori. XXX



  7.  #7ulii on August 16, 2013 at 2:08 am

    (((((((((((Rori)))))))))))
    This is so sad!
    .. yet the post is heart-breakingly beautiful…. Thank you so much for sharing!
    I truly hope you will have all the loving support you need from all over, as you are there and helping so many of us so much!



  8.  #8Arachne on August 16, 2013 at 2:26 am

    Oh, dear! Rori, all I can humbly say is: thank you for sharing, and thank you for teaching us, even in your grief. You are indeed a model to follow. I hope you feel through your sadness and reach the point where only the feel-good, happy memories are there left to feel. *hugs*

    Also, this immediately reminded me of when my grandmother died. She had been ill for a year and a half, in bed, and not aware of herself anymore. My first feeling when I hear she died was of relief, and my first though was “Good.” And then I felt guilty, of course – she was my grandmother, and, even if we never had a close relationship, she was, ultimately, a human being. And, shameful as it feels to admit, I felt… glad… that she finally died (there, I said it!). Not for herself (the doctors told us she wasn’t suffering, as any physical discomfort was dealt with by heavy medication, and her brain was deteriorated enough that she didn’t know who she was or anything else around her, she was worse than a baby, reduced to basic physiology and nothing else… so sad…). So I wasn’t glad for herself, since she wasn’t actually suffering. I was glad for my parents, especially my mom, who had had to care for her all this time, feeding her, washing her, changing her every day. And having to suffer through her bouts of meanness and dementia-induced false perceptions (before she lost all awareness, she was convinced that either my parents wanted to rob her, or my mom wanted to steal her husband – and treated them accordingly). So I felt very glad that all that was over, that my parents could return to normal life again. And, selfishly, I was glad for myself, for not having to feel guilty that I wasn’t there to help (I was studying in another city), for not having to feel angry with her anymore. And I felt ashamed of feeling glad.

    So I went numb, frozen inside, and I went through all the rituals and preparations for the funeral mechanically, tearlessly, too afraid to look inside myself, afraid that instead of the required grief I would only find relief and gladness, and shame and self-deprecation for feeling relieved and glad. And only later, during the religious service itself, did I slowly let go of the numbness – I started feeling my eyes going wet, and I let them be, and then I was softly, quietly crying in the end, and it felt good to cry, very good indeed, and I felt relieved this time for myself (that I hadn’t turned into a heartless beast after all, that I could still access the grief hidden somewhere deep inside). I felt all the mixed feelings wash over me, along with my tears, and I remembered my grandma when she was alive and healthy and SANE, when she would make cheese pies and apple cakes and tell us all the gossip of the neighborhood. And it was well, in the end.

    And I cried a little even now, writing this – thank you for triggering this, Rori.

    Also, it reminded me of my whole contradictory thoughts on death and choice, and I had to re-read a speech given by one of my favorite authors (Terry Pratchett, “Shaking hands with Death” – http://www.theguardian.com/society/2010/feb/02/terry-pratchett-assisted-suicide-tribunal). And what he writes feels sad and true and I cry again and I nod, agreeing.

    Love to you, Rori, and to all the Sirens and everybody who’s confronted with death – and life.



  9.  #9Lizka on August 16, 2013 at 2:36 am

    I feel heart broken reading that Rori as I live the exact same thing a year ago with Salu who spent 11 years as my 4 legs
    BFF. All of a sudden she turned sick and I couldn’t sleep for 1 week (I had to go walk her every hours, includin during the night). It felt paonful when you said you had to take a decision and was struggling with “am I doing it for her or for me to have my life back”. Omg I felt exactly the same and felt so guilty to have to take te decision to let her go. Even today I think of her last night with me, wven thoigh she was so sick and almost inconscious, she woke up in the middle of the night and came to sit next to my bed because she wanted to spend her last hours sleeping next to me. So, as dirty and stinky as she was than, I took her in my arms and we did had a little rest. She is now peaceful where she is, and she is the one i refere to in the skies when I need help and support, more than everyone else I know who have past away. I think she is there in the sky and plays with my other dog who passed away when I was younger, and she probably has tons of toys that makes this anoying “quouik-quouik” sound. So anyway, I feel very supportive of you Rori as I know how hard it is to take that decision and how guilty you can feel after. When you love someone so much, the best love you can give them is peace and rest. I’m sure she is happy where she is now. xoxo Rori.



  10.  #10Lizka on August 16, 2013 at 2:38 am

    Oops, Saku*, not Salu



  11.  #11Cris on August 16, 2013 at 3:16 am

    moving post. Thanks for sharing your emotions and for talking about “accepting”



  12.  #12Goddess Lily on August 16, 2013 at 4:07 am

    I’m very sorry to hear of the loss of your beautiful Hazel. I’m blown away by your ability to share your experience and be so strong. Love to you and your angel, Hazel.



  13.  #13Butterfly wings on August 16, 2013 at 4:23 am

    (((Rori))) 🙁



  14.  #14Vi on August 16, 2013 at 4:26 am

    I feel teary….



  15.  #15Linda on August 16, 2013 at 4:32 am

    Animals… they open our hearts to love. THey enrich our lives in ways no human ever could. I honestly wish I could live up to be the person my dog thinks I am !!

    I had a CD say to me a long time ago that nothing touched his heart more than to see how excited his dog was to see him everytime he walked in the door… even if he had only been away for 5 minutes ! HA
    He continued his comment with… “Wouldn’t it be awesome to find a mate that treated us that way? !!! ”

    After that I fail appreciate how my little 11 year old 4 legged guy greets ME! (whom by the way… I tell every day …”You are the BEST dog EVER”! ) AND in turn I am very mindful of how “I” greet loved ones in my life. Yes Rori… EVERY CD has a message for us! (smiles)

    In loosing a pet..grief comes along side our hearts wonderful ability to multi task and celebrate its memory all at the same time and with that celebration and memory of what that pet gavae to us….often we find the energy to reach out and invite another to join us as our companion as we make our way thru this life.

    ((hugs))



  16.  #16Vi on August 16, 2013 at 4:32 am

    I feel like crying actually…



  17.  #17Dominique on August 16, 2013 at 5:11 am

    Though we spoke yesterday Rori, I want to add my sentiments here as well, and though there are no words to express loss like this, I continue to send you love.

    You reminded me yesterday that within a month of moving here, I had to make the same choice with my beloved first born, my 20 year old cat. I called you in so much pain, almost unable to speak. You thought something had happened with K. In retrospect that feels amusing.

    And then one year later my youngest, also 20, gained his angel wings (I love this image) though I didn’t have to make this choice. He made it for himself, passing in my arms.

    Pets give us love in such amazing and special ways which feels so different from the love of our human beloved. There is a purity to their love which has no word I can find to convey how it feels.

    I miss my two so much, and I feel so thankful that there are two kitty cats where I now live who have adopted us.

    I wish something like this for you.

    Much love to you. <3

    xxoo

    xxoo



  18.  #18Emoticon on August 16, 2013 at 5:42 am

    wow i really don’t know what I could possibly say. This makes me feel really freaked out. Like I need to say something but what do you say to someone whose Best Friend just died. I feel like no words suffice, just hugs.

    (((((((((((((((((((((Rori)))))))))))))))))))))))))

    Love to you!



  19.  #19Femininewoman on August 16, 2013 at 6:24 am

    Rori, love to you.



  20.  #20Mercedes on August 16, 2013 at 6:26 am

    Sending love…peace…healing…

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  21.  #21LoveAlways on August 16, 2013 at 7:01 am

    Rori:

    My heart goes out to you and husband in your time of sorrow, I felt tears reading your piece but I also felt admiration that you got it all out – and how I aspire to reach that level! I was smiling through my tears, feeling your feelings you wrote so eloquently. I could feel what you expressed. It was amazing. ((((((RORI))))))



  22.  #22Veronica on August 16, 2013 at 7:04 am

    Oh Rori, much strength to you and your family.

    All of it is so precious, all of life. I take a lot of comfort from you and your love being with her when she was sick all the way to her last moments.

    So much to learn from what you wrote. Thank you.



  23.  #23Sophie on August 16, 2013 at 7:17 am

    All my love to you Rori. What a beautiful powerful piece of writing so much wisdom that you generously share with us and allow us to digest. Thank you for that gift. I appreciated the letter from your husband too – I could feel his love for you, your dog and your family. I felt very moved xx



  24.  #24Indigo on August 16, 2013 at 8:31 am

    Love and comfort and peace to you, Rori, and in time, ease from the hurt. Xxx



  25.  #25Radlove on August 16, 2013 at 8:34 am

    (((Rori))) My love, prayers, thoughts, and comfort to you. I myself am facing the near-death of my 81 year old mother, who has been my best friend for nearly 50 years. What you wrote was very comforting to me.

    I am sure all animals go to heaven, because I read the book “Intramuros” a long time ago, of a woman who died and went to heaven and then came back to life. There were animals all over the place in heaven, and her own previous pets came running to her!



  26.  #26Radlove on August 16, 2013 at 8:35 am

    A strong woman is one who can stand in the middle of the battlefield and cry.

    You are such a strong woman, Rori. I hope you find another little dog to rescue…



  27.  #27Lisa on August 16, 2013 at 8:37 am

    I’m so sorry for you loss. I know how difficult that can be… {{{hugs}}} sending lots of peaceful energy…. in your time of grief!

    OXOX



  28.  #28Radlove on August 16, 2013 at 8:38 am

    What lovely comments here.



  29.  #29Magic Seahorse on August 16, 2013 at 9:03 am

    Rori- Sending love and warm hugs. May you cherish this time of tears for letting even more love of this life blossom in your soul, Amen. Peace be with you sweet lady



  30.  #30CurvySiren10 on August 16, 2013 at 9:05 am

    Lovely post…so sorry for your loss Rori. xo



  31.  #31Shar Lean Way Back on August 16, 2013 at 9:24 am

    Rori, What a lucky girl Hazel was to have you as her human 🙂



  32.  #32blooming on August 16, 2013 at 9:40 am

    (((((((((((((((love))))))))))))))) sweet sweet thank you, Rori <3



  33.  #33JulieMaryCarmen on August 16, 2013 at 9:40 am

    Big hugs Rori.

    Lots of love. xx



  34.  #34Femininewoman on August 16, 2013 at 9:52 am

    I find it so heartwarming to see names of sirens who have not written in a long time coming out to touch Rori’s heart. Really beautiful



  35.  #35Rori Raye on August 16, 2013 at 11:04 am

    Thank you all for so much love. I am welled up reading everything you magnificent women have written to me…

    Being human, for me: Having this human experience.

    Even “wanting” to interpret that, much less “trying” to interpret that feels like too much effort. And effort in a not helpful direction. On the Train going to “not love.” Feels like an affront to the Universe (though I’m sure the Universe smiles when I think or say something like that…).

    And…to be circular – this interpretation above about “interpretation” is just “making stuff up,” too! Working SO hard!

    For me, all feelings are heavenly, and it is only the teachings of my past human experience that wants me to ignore, resist, distract from, cover up, immerse myself in – any of those feelings.

    For me, then, learning to feel anything at all that comes up to be felt, without interpretation, and still breathing with the feeling, is joy, bliss and peace – no matter the feeling I’m feeling.

    Hazel reminded me of that every day, and you remind me of that every day.

    Love and Thanks to you,
    Rori



  36.  #36Erika Awakening on August 16, 2013 at 11:11 am

    Oh wow … I feel speechless.

    Rori, I want to send you love and comfort right now … and I also want to scream … I mean really scream at the top of my lungs … that this did not need to happen …

    I feel scared that if I don’t jump on the condolences wagon, people will judge and attack and criticize me … or move away from me because they don’t want to hear it …

    Physical symptoms ARE feelings. They are feelings that we are not reaching, not feeling, and not bringing to light and love. Physical symptoms are frozen feelings that are SCREAMING out to us to be heard.

    I feel heartbroken to know that somehow my message still is not being heard. That ALL deaths are preventable. That death is not God’s Will. It says this straight up in ACIM, and yet so many teachers of ACIM are still acting like death is natural and okay. It’s not. Sickness, suffering, and death are not God’s Will. God’s Will for me is perfect happiness. How can I have perfect happiness in a world where I believe that death and sickness are beyond my control?

    I feel so frustrated that people keep eating meat, not realizing what they do to themselves by this choice. Perpetuating death. And I feel equally frustrated that I have not yet manifested a solution for my cats to stop eating meat.

    This is exactly what we talked about on Huffington Post Live. Why people keep believing that they have to accept this as “just the way things are”? This is not the way things are. This is the way the ego wants us to believe things are.

    Clearly I will need to do more inner work about having this message be heard. If I had listened to the veterinarian and gone only the traditional medicine route, I’d have been in the same place right now. And it’s not okay. This is not what God wants for his beloved Children. There are other options available, and I just want to SCREAM when I see people accepting this sort of thing without exploring those options.

    I’m still sending love, Rori. Please hear this as the love that it is.



  37.  #37Erika Awakening on August 16, 2013 at 11:21 am

    I want to fast forward in time to when we have learned the skill of resurrection, and I want to put Hazel back in your arms and say “see, it wasn’t real… it was just a bad dream. Here she is, perfectly healthy and as perfect and eternal as God created her.” I want to wipe away everyone’s tears with the truth – death is not real.



  38.  #38Sophie on August 16, 2013 at 11:44 am

    To notice when I’m making myself available to love. When I’m making myself unavailable to love.

    To notice what I’m choosing to believe about myself and about love and about life.

    It doesn’t matter what I’m “making up.” The question is: What is that choice feeling like?

    I make myself unavailable to love every time the man in my life does something that triggers me and I choose me against him rather believing he is in it for us – every time so far he has stayed available to love and sought for reconciliation – the choice I make feels in my brain seeking answers and ways out; feels numb, shut down, drained; confused lost footing

    I hear how passionate you feel Erika but I feel confused – surely we must all make a transition from the physical or is that not what you believe?



  39.  #39Erika Awakening on August 16, 2013 at 11:54 am

    Hi Sophie, I don’t pretend to have all the answers, I only offer the answers I already have and a thorough honest reading of ACIM which suggests the answers I have are just the beginning.

    Yes, the body is not us, and one day when the world has been perfected the entire dream we are dreaming will dissolve into light. Not in pain and suffering and death – in conscious choice and joy. That is the prophecy.

    In the meantime, I believe we are here to abolish death in every form.

    “Death’s worshippers may be afraid. And yet, can thoughts like these be fearful? If they saw that it is only this which they believe, they would be instantly released. And you will show them this today. There is no death, and we renounce it now in every form, for their salvation and our own as well. God made not death. Whatever form it takes must therefore be illusion. This the stand we take today.” – ACIM



  40.  #40Erika Awakening on August 16, 2013 at 12:03 pm

    “One thing is sure; God, Who created neither sin nor death, wills not that you be bound by them. He knows of neither sin nor its results. The shrouded figures in the funeral procession march not in honor of their Creator, Whose Will it is they live. They are not following His Will; they are opposing it.”



  41.  #41Sophie on August 16, 2013 at 12:04 pm

    thank you now I understand your meaning 🙂



  42.  #42GlowStix on August 16, 2013 at 12:11 pm

    I’m feeling curious how to make the space in our world for new life, if there is no death?
    I admit it feels very difficult and actually painful to try to wrap my thoughs around this in a way the fully comprehends…
    It is my belief that all things are created OF the Universe. All connected to it, and all else. All things being it AND all else.
    Beginnings, endings, creation, destruction, recycling of energy. It happens with ALL things in existance.

    A lone bird dies in a forest. It’s energy dissipates into the Universe. It falls to the earth. It’s body dissipates into the earth.
    No one is there to see- To bestow death upon the bird solely through belief….



  43.  #43Elsie on August 16, 2013 at 12:16 pm

    THIS POST WAS MEANT FOR ME. FOR TODAY. FOR ME.

    I am putting my dog of 16 years down today. I struggle with the exact same thing that you did Rori. Exactly.

    Heartbreaking. He will be missed beyond words.

    This post was meant for me. I just know it.

    I”m heartbroken. This dog was with me through everything, and in one hour I will be holding him as he gets his angel wings.

    Thank you for posting this. Thank you.



  44.  #44GlowStix on August 16, 2013 at 12:18 pm

    I am still curious to explore this idea, so I thank you for impacting my life today.
    If the collective consciousness of humans is creating death through manifestation…I’d like to get off board. And yet…What about all other beings within our Universe? What are their beliefs and how is there collective consciousness effecting our reality?
    I know the behaviour of an atom is supposed to be able to have an effect upon things lightyears away from it…

    Sigh. This may not be constructive for me today.



  45.  #45Sophie on August 16, 2013 at 12:38 pm

    Love and strength to you too Elsie xox



  46.  #46Mercedes on August 16, 2013 at 12:55 pm

    (((((Elsie)))) I’m so sorry…

    Sending you love, peace and healing as well…

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  47.  #47Indigo on August 16, 2013 at 1:47 pm

    ((((Elsie))))



  48.  #48Hana on August 16, 2013 at 3:37 pm

    Rori, Hugs and Love to you.



  49.  #49Hana on August 16, 2013 at 3:38 pm

    ((((((Elsie)))))), you are so brave. Love to you!



  50.  #50skippingstones on August 16, 2013 at 4:08 pm

    rori, i appreciate you. puppy has moved on from what you once knew puppy to be. but puppy still exists! anyway the perceived loss of love in the physical world can be deliciously and heart wreckingly painful. but it wouldn’t be so painful if there hadn’t been soooooo mucccchhhh loooooooovvvvve shared between u and puppy. aw.



  51.  #51Erika Awakening on August 16, 2013 at 4:12 pm

    GlowStix, thanks for being curious. I am tapping through my own mixed feelings about this, wanting to open minds and hearts to life without pain and death – and not wanting to judge anyone while doing so … To me, sympathy is not love … and so how to love and support without falling into that …

    I faced this very intensely a year ago when Fritz was so sick and the vet was right on the verge of telling me there was nothing she could do … I walked myself through “that outcome” … and I knew I could not do it … I looked at my choices, and saw there was only one answer that could be a real answer … perfect health. Anything in between meant suffering and pain. Perfect health was the only answer. And so I found the resolve to delve into all those horrible feelings that I had been avoiding for a lifetime, to find his salvation there … If I had been willing to accept death as a “solution,” I never could have found that resolve, because the feelings I had to face were absolutely overwhelming … the grief, guilt, rage, and fear … Physical symptoms are a projection of the feelings we are avoiding …

    ACIM asks us to question ALL of our beliefs, which means our view of what life means changes radically. Another really powerful passage is this one:

    “Death is the central dream from which all illusions stem. Is it not madness to think of life as being born, aging, losing vitality, and dying in the end? We have asked this question before, but now we need to consider it more carefully. It is the one fixed, unchangeable belief of the world that all things in it are born only to die. This is regarded as “the way of nature,” not to be raised to question, but to be accepted as the ‘natural’ law of life. The cyclical, the changing and unsure; the undependable and the unsteady, waxing and waning in a certain way upon a certain path,–all this is taken as the Will of God. And no one asks if a benign Creator could will this.

    “In this perception of the universe as God created it, it would be impossible to think of Him as loving. For who has decreed that all things pass away, ending in dust and disappointment and despair, can but be feared. He holds your little life in his hand but by a thread, ready to break it off without regret or care, perhaps today. Or if he waits, yet is the ending certain. Who loves such a god knows not of love, because he has denied that life is real. Death has become life’s symbol. His world is now a battleground, where contradiction reigns and opposites make endless war. Where there is death is peace impossible.”



  52.  #52Erika Awakening on August 16, 2013 at 4:17 pm

    I feel sad and I feel scared to say all this at a time when I perceive I’m expected to be silent or sympathetic. I’m going to tap some more. My intention is not to hurt, only to bring relief to all this pain with perfect health and eternal life.



  53.  #53Rori Raye on August 16, 2013 at 4:32 pm

    Erika – I totally hear what you say – and thank you for what you’ve written. I hear only love. Rori



  54.  #54Rori Raye on August 16, 2013 at 4:33 pm

    Elsie, Love to you and your loved one. Rori



  55.  #55Rori Raye on August 16, 2013 at 4:38 pm

    Erika and all – Thank you so much, and I’m now closing this conversation on love and life and death and moving onto the really important stuff: Relationship!

    Anyone who wants to talk with me personally about life and death, please write me at melanie@coachrori.com, and it’ll get forwarded to me.

    Erika, please know I’ve taken this all in, I’m a CIM girl, and LIVING this way is where it is for me right now – as I know it is for you, too…Love, Rori



  56.  #56Angela on August 16, 2013 at 5:51 pm

    I am always a little nervous about posting here.
    But I wanted to write and see how it feels to be part of this

    I feel like I am in the place were I am meant to be, learning, not rejecting what is, accepting and looking at life with loving eyes.
    I have opened an online dating account!
    Said yes to dates!
    Went on my first date Saturday- something I thought a shy inexperienced girl would never do.
    Yes, Rori was right you kick those old beliefs in the butt when you’re circular dating.
    I will continue circular dating.

    I posted a while ago a bout sleeping with a man on the first date maybe not even date.
    I continue to see him and have sex with him
    We have been clear that this is just for fun.
    In the beginning I thought I could fall in love.
    Although I am respecting the part of me that wants to, I know it is not true he is not the one for me.
    I just want sex so bad.
    I am 22 years old and my sex life was dead up until he came along.
    I am loving this journey though.
    Yet sometimes I wonder if I am being too neutral passive about this because I am letting things be.

    Since I have been seeing this man something came up
    I feel like I want to have sex for fun with more men!
    I am terrified and never knew this side of myself before.
    I dont know if I was deprived for so long that I suddenly feel like letting myself be sexually free.

    Im terrified I will act on this impulse.
    Any thoughts about this I will appreciate.
    LOVE
    Angela.



  57.  #57Lisa on August 16, 2013 at 6:53 pm

    I was surprised when “M2” showed up to say Hi at the street music tonight and I was taken off my feminine self… I was dancing and just being me with my child… he shows up, I smile big and give him a hug…. introduce him to “E” at little sooner than I’d liked to have introduced them… and I noticed I froze.. I saw his beer and he said, this is my first one!… OK I guess he is intuitive to pick up on the sudden weird vibe I had, but I said, oh! doesn’t bother me.. or something like that….. which might have come off as a lie but really it was just a look at it… I’ve just not dated anyone that drinks in over 15 years so it just feels strange that is all… ( I have no idea what he made of it, but E was standing there so and the music was loud so I didn’t feel like I knew or felt comfortable addressing it..)

    anyways, I was twitterpated and smiled a lot, said are you have a good time… he said I just wanted to stop by and say hello… I can’t even remember what I said, I think I said,” I’m glad you did… have fun! ”

    We had the eyes lock thing… so I’m hoping he got that message clear, that I’m interested.. but I haven’t talked to him yet.. he hasn’t called… but I suspect he wouldn’t have come to say hi unless he was interested…

    anyways… I noticed that I freeze…which happens a lot… I freeze – not just with men.. but lots of times with men, especially when I feel on the spot… or they ask me to do something way in advance before I’ve even had the second date… I freeze and then I end up not saying anything… ( which I have no idea how that comes across to a man)…

    so, lots of emotions come up tonight around freezing and how that might be keeping the good men at bay… fear of vulnerability… I suspect.. and the fear of not knowing what to say…

    I’m afraid of being vulnerable… and open and show a man I’m interested…

    I can lure them in just fine… then after that, it can get rocky for me…

    I feel sad, sad now…

    sad about how my fear of vulnerability hurts me…

    one thing is for sure, I feel so glad to have had “M” break up with me… I feel so free… and open to attracting warm men that are more relaxed and easy going…

    I miss him, I’m still crying about it, I think about him some.. but I’m not pinning over him… and I’m not looking to lure him back in…

    Let it rain men! I want to circle date like crazy now… bring it on! Face my fear of vulnerability!!

    OXOXO



  58.  #58LiliBee on August 16, 2013 at 7:30 pm

    (((Rori))) (((Elsie)))



  59.  #59Lisa on August 16, 2013 at 7:37 pm

    @ Elsie

    Oh sweetie I’m sorry! I’m so glad you will be holding him… comforting him… loving him while he transitions…

    I know how hard that is! sending you LOVE and peaceful energy! {{hugs}}

    OXOX



  60.  #60Syreena on August 16, 2013 at 7:43 pm

    Tonight it felt so good when I was out to have masculine energy coming towards me. So different from me trying to get it. Or little boy puppy dog energy trying to get my attention. I liked it at first but then when it got more and more I felt scared wanting to go and hide. Scared that I might like it to much, or that it is just surface level and he wouldn’t like the inner me. So felt safer to not let them get too close. I behave completely different with menwho are attracted to me but I am not attracted to them. I feel scared to let someone I like get too close and me close to them as the risk of pain when they go seems too high a price to pay. Where if I keep hem at a distance I am then not that bothered.



  61.  #61Lisa on August 16, 2013 at 7:57 pm

    I wanted to share my favorite poem.. I just found it cleaning out old stuff…

    After A While
    by Veronica Shoffstall

    After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul and you learn love doesn’t mean leaning and company doesn’t always mean security.

    And you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts and presents aren’t always promises and you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes ahead with the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child.

    And you learn to build your roads on today because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain for plans and futures have a way of falling down mid flight.

    After A While you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much. So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers .

    And you learn that you really can endure, that you really are strong and you really do have worth and you learn and you learn with every good-bye you learn!

    This poem always makes me cry. I’ve been reading it for over 18 years.. every time I have a breakup… b/c it is soo true… with every goodbye I learn!

    much love

    OXOX



  62.  #62Zia on August 16, 2013 at 8:13 pm

    love to you rori xo



  63.  #63ALA on August 16, 2013 at 8:30 pm

    ((( Our Beloved Pets )))



  64.  #64Veronica on August 16, 2013 at 10:14 pm

    Lisa – 61- Thank you for sharing that poem.



  65.  #65Indigo on August 16, 2013 at 10:34 pm

    I am seeing D for breakfast just now, and I feel relieved and happy about that. It will be the first time we will have seen each other since our fight last week. Urgh, I hate that word “fight”. I don’t think it was a fight. Just two souls getting triggered in a kind of uncomfortable way. I want to move past my trigger. Very much.

    The incident prompted me to seek help and coaching, so it is hard for me to regret it. I have promised my coach I will try to let that evening go, so I will.

    In the last week and a bit I have also felt myself feel steadily better… there were a couple of days where I felt like I was swimming in a sea of ick. And then my vibe started to lift and clear, and I started to feel periods of wellbeing and peace and feeling good and “all is well”. There were some anxious and frightened moments in between, but even as they were happening, I knew they were nothing to fear.

    Anyway, it will just be good to see him. If I am honest, this time apart has been hard. As much work as I do on myself, as much as I care for myself, I never seem to feel completely at ease until things are better between us.



  66.  #66Too Much on August 17, 2013 at 3:36 am

    Hey Sirens,

    I would like some advice.

    This guy I am seeing, I will call him S, I think the main problem is is we have very little in common.

    We both fancy each other and like each other but we have so little in common.

    I always feel mildly bored and irritated when he talks to me. And when I talk to him he doesn’t seem particularly interested.

    If we are just talking about practical stuff like which bus to catch or what food to it eat then it’s fine.

    Am I being stupid to worry about this? It’s something that really, really worries me and is what I believe to be the root of my problems in relationships.

    I do lean back with him. I let him talk to me and share with me. I just find it really, really hard work – sometimes I actually want to laugh at him or tell him to shut up. Then I feel really, really bad inside.

    I don’t think he is doing anything wrong. He is totally showing up for me. He tells me he loves me. If I get insecure about something then he is there for me.

    I think possibly I am feeling trapped. We have only been together 4 months and I think that something isn’t sitting right with me.

    Am I right to worry about this ?

    I feel like I am practising Rori’s tools. I am leaning back, I am letting him lead, i am being in feminine energy.

    I really, really like him – yet I am still not happy and feeling incredibly trapped and like this is all too much like hard work.

    As I reported the other week – when we were away for a few days together J just wanted to run away from him and never see him again. I felt jealous every time he spoke to another girl and J just couldn’t deal with it..

    How do I say to him I still need more? I feel ignored by him when we are in a group of mutual friends. But he says he isn’t doing anything deliberately and that he hasn’t done anything wrong and that he really loves me and I have no reason to be jealous.

    What scares me is that yes I have got him, he treata me like a princess, but this is only when we are on our own. When we are in a group he is a totally different person. He doesn’t even seem to notice I am there. He tells me all the time how much he loves me and wants to be with me and would never hurt me.

    What is going wrong? Am I going mad?

    Am I being ingrateful? I just want tk be happy?

    I want to be assertive but all the time I feel like I am critising him. He says he desperately wants to please me and make me happy and that I am giving him a hard time.

    What is wrong?

    50% of me wants to get out of the relationship but 50% wants to stay. I am very attracted to him. I am still circular dating or trying to but he (S) wants to see me all the time and talks about our future together which is obviously what I want.

    Maybe I am a bit inexperienced. I just don’t know. I just feel like I can’t be myself for some reason – i find it such a strain to lean back and recieve… I find I want to be grumpy and negative but obvioulsy that is not the way to be in a relationship. Doing all the tools is getting me a man but I am deeply unhappy. I actually just want to go back to being a miserable singleton. I don’t feel like I need anyone…

    I want to reject him everytime I see him. Yet J fancy and live him more that any other person I have been with.

    I want to yell at him ‘Give me some space!!’ Yet I only see him 3 /4 times a week…

    What is wrong with me…?

    Any thoughts greatly appreciated, and please be as tough and harsh as possible or it won’t go in…



  67.  #67Too Much on August 17, 2013 at 3:52 am

    I feel grumpy and miserable at myself and I’m beating myself up for not doing this and not doing that, and being this and being that… I find it all so hard. I find it sooooo hard to be positive I am just not a positive person. Certainly around him I do not feel positive. I feel drained and tired…

    He always wants to be out and about doing stuff. He is akways ticking stuff off his list and his list is endless…

    He makes fun of me because I like to take my time and do thjngs properly. I hate rushing.

    I like to eat breakfast, lunch and dinner. He can go for days without food and doesn’t eat normal meals or at proper meal times.

    He would survive off fruit anf nuts.

    He believes relaxation is for whimps.

    I am such a different energy level to him. I am a pottterier I like to watch the world pass by…

    I like to sit and chat..

    Yet he insists he loves me and wants to be with me.

    I wish he would let me go… I wish he genuinely wanted me ti be happy he would let me go.

    His idea of a conversarion is banter and raking the piss out of people..

    I find him so boring. I hate to admit that but I do and by the same token I would imagine he finds me boring…

    Arrrghhh everytime I lean back he just leans more forward. He steps up each time. But its just not what I want…



  68.  #68Zia on August 17, 2013 at 4:54 am

    goodness me. all of a sudden there are these men in front of me everywhere! what on earth!



  69.  #69Indigo on August 17, 2013 at 4:56 am

    Too Much,

    This kind of thing would drive me crazy. Not feeling comfortable and at ease with the person I am in a relationship with would be too high a price for me.

    These are just my own musings and feelings, but I don’t feel you have to have a lot in common, but for me I think the relationship should be more or less easy, it should flow. For me, it’s important to be on more or less the same wavelength and for there to be a flow.

    Your relationship sounds a bit exhausting to me, and it sounds as if you are resisting it because it’s not comfortable to you.

    “His idea of conversation is banter and taking the piss out of people”

    “He can go for days without food and doesn’t eat normal meals or at proper meal times.

    He would survive off fruit and nuts.

    He believes relaxation is for whimps.”

    A guy like this would drive me absolutely bonkers in no time. But I’m not you, so please take my observations as what they are… my own feelings and observations.

    I hear he loves you and is stepping up for you which is great, is it enough?

    Hugs to you



  70.  #70BeLoved on August 17, 2013 at 5:54 am

    Thursday, I noticed my mind kept going to a particular place in my conversation w T, that I was wanting to rewrite to imagine a better outcome.

    I noticed I was trying to rewrite the part where I felt stuck and frozen, unable to respond to hearing T’s raised voice and the tone of contempt.

    Once I settled into feeling frozen and stuck, offering the sickness love and compassion,
    I felt my belly and diaphragm expand. I felt relaxed and bloated at the same time, and within about an hour, I felt a gallstone pass!

    It had been bothering me for so long, I had gotten used to it…ahhhhh the feel of sweet relief!

    So, in a weird way, it was a gift.
    I realized, too, that blaming myself for being raped, abandoned and abused was keeping me stuck somehow re creating a pattern of feeling stuck, manipulated, abused, raped, used up and thrown away like a filthy piece of trash.

    My stuff with T was all about wanting to be GOOD, wanting to be a good girl.
    What feels interesting to me is just a few days prior, I noticed that one of my ongoing sexual fantasies was of being a good girl and being good enough and if I was good enough then I could have sex and get an orgasm and I wondered what if I didn’t have to fantasize about that anymore? I even told T about it and he said that felt icky to him like an adult using approval to manipulate a young girl sexually.I realize that’s what I was acting out with him that I was hooked on his approval and the way he saw me and that if I would just be good, ignored shady behavior and not act up or protest then I would get this elusive relationship or future or whatever that I believed we were in agreement about.

    I was totally recreating my childhood, feeling dependent on someone who was abusive to me, feeling ashamed for feeling dependent and too weak to break the cycle.

    I realized, I really cannot handle this guy. He had ways of making me feel wrong for that, and I got huge amounts of approval and praise for staying connected to him even though it felt awful to me. I felt emotionally raped after that last conversation. I realized how many times I’ve heard mutual friends say they felt the same way with him and finally the blinders came off and I could let myself off the hook.

    What a relief.

    I felt compassion for the scared little boy inside of him, and I’m feeling more and more neutral about the whole thing. At first I fantasized a little bit that he might step up or something and now I realize there is nothing he could do to win me over at this point. This wraps up lot of unfinished business with several old relationships. I feel complete. 🙂



  71.  #71CurvySiren10 on August 17, 2013 at 6:16 am

    Too Much, your post is just filled with red flags in my opinion and in my experience.
    It sounds to me like there is just a basic lack of compatability here and no attraction whatsoever. You mention being “attracted” to him yet you say he bores you and you wish he’d “let you go”. The physical attraction may be there, but that is something very fleeting when the rest is so bad that you “wish he’d let you go”.
    You do realize you can let him go just as easily right? You are in control here and have choices. If this isn’t the man for you, then it just isn’t…

    You can’t force it, which- it sounds to me -that you feel obligated to do for some reason. I’d really do some soul searching about how much time I’d want to spend in a relationship where I feel bored, trapped, cramped and uninterested in my partner.



  72.  #72Lisa on August 17, 2013 at 7:36 am

    @Vernoica

    <3

    glad you liked it!



  73.  #73Too Much on August 17, 2013 at 7:50 am

    Curvy Siren, Indigo,

    Thanks for your responses!

    I totally agree with what you have written.

    Why am I finding it so hard to let him go…?

    I guess I keep hopinh he will change

    I keep hoping he will truly love me the way I want.

    I am scared of being the bad guy

    I feel trapped



  74.  #74Lisa on August 17, 2013 at 8:00 am

    I’m noticing a hole… a black hole… I’m sitting with it… it feels awful! I had caught myself last night.. wanting this big black hole of pain to go away….

    I’m waiting to see what it wants… I feel it is a man… but not sure….love, acceptance… tears are coming now… lots of tears…

    @Zia that is wonderful!!!! Yay!

    OXOXO



  75.  #75Indigo on August 17, 2013 at 8:01 am

    Too Much,

    If it’s any comfort, I don’t think it’s that he doesn’t love you. I don’t think it’s a lack of good intentions on both parts. You sound *unhappy* with him… is this worth holding onto because you don’t want to be the bad guy? Is there any way it could feel good to release both him and yourself to find someone who was a better fit?

    x



  76.  #76Indigo on August 17, 2013 at 8:05 am

    I feel gentle and good and whole today.

    I enjoyed breakfast with D this morning, it felt good.

    I am going to go and have a ride on my mare tomorrow morning… it’s been a while, it will feel so good to be above her thundering hooves with the wind flying through my hair, smelling the country air and feeling the morning sun, as I connect with my four-legged best friend again!



  77.  #77Vi on August 17, 2013 at 8:32 am

    Hmm… How would I say that the next time..? ‘You know I really like you. And I’m in a commited relationship right now. It would feel good to have your contacts in case I find myself on a dating scene again’ .. Hm feels okay…



  78.  #78Femininewoman on August 17, 2013 at 8:53 am

    Vi why would you want his contacts? Are you telling him you are a woman who is willing to chase?



  79.  #79Veronica on August 17, 2013 at 9:24 am

    I’m feeling like the last of the letting go is happening. I don’t like it that I’m still this way but I believe the last of it is coming out. I feel a comforting voice in me say how it’s not necessary to hold on. Thank you Rori for the post on stopping him from withdrawing – I took comfort from reading about releasing that which is moving away from you. I just want to love myself so much again, I want to accept that it’s just me again and be happy about that.

    Opening my hands and letting go for most of today. But I also realise how far it is from love. Tearful sadness about that. I would like to return to love, for myself, it would be so beautiful if I could do that. I would feel like I never lost anything whether men enter or leave my life. Just step into it. Just believe it’s always been waiting for me in me.



  80.  #80Veronica on August 17, 2013 at 9:30 am

    Hi Lisa : )



  81.  #81Olivia on August 17, 2013 at 9:42 am

    Sirens –

    Last night. I confessed to my man that I’ve been doing some online snooping on him…nothing too intrusive but enough that he was very embarrassed and felt spied upon and mistrusted.

    Basically, I saw his comments posted on an anonymous website –reddit, esp. the gone wild feed for those in the know…:(

    Imagine your man snooping on your comments on this blog and how embarrassed you could be! He is going to change his username so I can’t anymore. I’m sort of relieved.

    It was my turn to say ‘sorry’. Other times, he’s been the one who was “wrong.”

    I feel uncomfortable and itchy sitting with it.



  82.  #82MovingMagic on August 17, 2013 at 10:29 am

    Too Much…often these internal battles are our own blocks to true intimacy & vulnerability. Do you feel like you could be blocking yourself from going deeper and getting closer?



  83.  #83Too Much on August 17, 2013 at 10:59 am

    Wow, I feel like I have just had a major breakthrough

    I hope it doesn’t go…!

    So he is away this weekend but he keeps texting me and phoning me. And much I love the attention at the same time it is annoying me.

    But I don’t have to get back to him!

    I can lean back!

    And thinking about he may too feel relieved by this.

    My worry is that he will feel rejected and react badly

    And I feel scared. So I lean forward. But I feel heavey and tense. I’m sure he will pick up on this. I try to cover up. I will practise doing nothing….

    It feels so scary. I feel scared to say ‘no’.

    I feel scared to say ‘enough!’

    ‘I am not here just for your every whim!!!! ‘

    But yes I am finding it so hard to truly lean back

    My vibe is still leaning forward even if on the surface it doesn’t look like this.

    And I feel powerless to stop this.

    I feel I am using the lean back tool as a way to win him. And I worry I am not using it authentically because I sooo want to please him.

    I am my I am my own worse enemy.

    Ahhhh Rori what do I do?

    I feel I am so good at masking my feelings.

    At tge moment I am not responding to his texts and it feels so good..!

    I am not being a Good Girl obeying his command

    I have disobeyed him and it feels liberating

    I am just so scared that I will crumble and give in again…

    Thank you sirens for your support



  84.  #84Too Much on August 17, 2013 at 11:05 am

    Moving Magic

    Thank you so much fir what you have said.

    My honest answer is I don’t know.

    My mum constantly tells me I am too nice and a people pleaser so I think the answer is more that I get into very abusive relationships – which are very unhealthy and toxic.

    I hoped using Rori’s tools I would change and J believe I have quite a bit but I seem to have blindly got myself into this relationship.

    I would say I was a very vulnerable person and an easy target for a man like S.

    I know I am being to nice. I kerp thinking just walk away – but I am afraid too.

    Sometimes I feel he is double bluffing way and using a psycological power over me.

    He is a very clever bloke and akways claims he gets his own way all the time. Yet I keep making excuses for him…



  85.  #85Lisa on August 17, 2013 at 11:05 am

    @Olivia

    It took so much bravery to do what you did… give yourself a big high 5 for that…

    and apologizing as well! that took courage…

    and yes, I’ve often thought of that with my last “M” b/c he was that kind of person… always checking me out online… which he opened up to in the beginning and I felt really weird about how much searching he did…and how he felt so righteous doing it… he never apologized… but the snooping continued even months later.

    that felt awful….. b/c I was always honest with him.

    the point is, you were transparent! you also might have had some gut feeling that led you to snoop? I don’t know…that is something you will have to look deep inside yourself and find if it was fear based or intuitive based.

    but you did an amazing thing by opening up and being honest….

    YAY you!

    OXOX



  86.  #86Too Much on August 17, 2013 at 11:11 am

    Gosh I feel such a whimp

    I feel drained and powerless

    How have I got in this situation??

    I feel scared thinking about confronting him and his wrath…

    I know I am being pathetic. I know that..

    I am scared to say ‘No!!! Go away!’

    Arrgghhg anger….

    I feel soooo angry at being this controlled…



  87.  #87Starbright on August 17, 2013 at 11:20 am

    Too Much,

    If it was me I may write that I’m glad he is having such a good time (or whatever seems true) while he is away and you are doing some things to take care of yourself while he is gone and it would feel good just to
    hear from him in person when he gets back…



  88.  #88Starbright on August 17, 2013 at 11:21 am

    Does it have to be a confrontation? Or, can it feel easy breezy?



  89.  #89Dominique on August 17, 2013 at 11:53 am

    Too Much – 66 – At first I was inclined to say that maybe you fear intimacy and commitment to one man, and this may still be true, but the more I read about how you feel around him, with him, and about him, the more I think that maybe he’s just not the man for you. Of course he will lean forward the more you lean back, yet if it feels this awful being in his presence, maybe you need to let him go.

    xxoo



  90.  #90Too Much on August 17, 2013 at 12:12 pm

    So I haven’t text him but then he text me again asking me how I am.

    I text back that I was good.

    He then text me back asking if he can phone me later.

    I said yes but have a strong suspicion that he is playing games but just wants me to respond to him.

    Arrrhhhh…

    I will just lean back lean back lean back….



  91.  #91BeLoved on August 17, 2013 at 12:18 pm

    I pulled out the mirror and stayed doing EFT on what I heard T say that felt so bad. I couldn’t take the stuff about how I kept taking an axe to our connection serially because I just don’t believe it anymore, but the stuff about how he would have to be insane to be with me again really stung. It did feel to me as if we were merged in that moment and he was acting out something from inside myself. So I tapped on that while watching myself in the mirror.

    So much pain, self hate, self loathing, contempt, shame. .. releasing. And really, over nothing definable other than ‘because you’re ‘ ‘



  92.  #92BeLoved on August 17, 2013 at 12:19 pm

    *You’re “BAD”.



  93.  #93Sophie on August 17, 2013 at 12:45 pm

    I feel desire to reach out and comfort you Beloved! i know that I can’t and really I don’t want to ‘cos it’s so good for us to move through the depths of our emotions – I admire the depth and fearlessness of your processing

    As you were writing about the things that stung the most I remembered being asked about that by my therapist after non-stop verbal abuse I received from my ex – I can’t remember now though what the things were! That feels great! That’s progress!



  94.  #94Too Much on August 17, 2013 at 12:50 pm

    Deep down I am scared of being on my own again.

    I am scared of losing the sheild of protection that a man gives

    I am scared at having to do things on my own.

    I am scared of not being good enough

    Now saying all this makes me see that I am pathetic and needy

    Now I really don’t like myself

    But I will hug and love myself through this

    I wish I could learn to be more feminine and not so damn needy.



  95.  #95BeLoved on August 17, 2013 at 2:02 pm

    Sophie…it does feel soft and comforting to read your post, thank you.

    I’m moving through sooo much today.
    It’s feeling so confusing to feel mistrust of pleasure.
    Having been sexually abused, it feels as if pleasure and good feelings have been used against me and I can’t trust them, they’ve all been mixed up with pain and manipulation.

    I’m feeling all mixed up about living with my parents. My mother is already doing her normal thing and trying to take advantage – I got a storage space to move her stuff out of my room, and she wants to load it up with stuff out of the garage. She was feeling very triggered yesterday that I kept redirecting to moving stuff out of the room, that’s what I’m paying for, that is what we agreed on.
    She left for the week and left an even bigger mess than usual in the kitchen, and the entire living room is full of stuff that was supposed to go into storage that now she wants to sift through.

    I’m feeling like…I can’t live like this. I can’t live like this. I can’t live in all this clutter. I can’t stand it. I’m feeling suffocated in all of this mess.
    There’s no room for me here and I’m feeling resentment from her that I’m having the audacity to feel like I have a right to anything…same stuff with T, as soon as I started feeling worthy, and as if I had the right to ask, to make direct requests…the illusions fell apart very quickly.

    I feel like I’m here, at my mom’s, because I wanted to be ‘good’ and wanted to be who she wanted me to be, I wanted to please her and live out her fantasy of having one of her children care for her in her old age.
    Deep down *I* feel angry and resentful that I’m doing what she wanted, and she doesn’t want it.
    I’m feeling sort of martyred, that I sacrificed so much to win her love and approval and ..for what?

    Thanks for the care..!
    It feels nourishing.
    It feels good to remember I’m not alone and many many many women have been down this path.



  96.  #96Lisa on August 17, 2013 at 2:09 pm

    @TooMuch

    I think we all have those fears….

    It’s just a matter of does it drive you… or do you drive you…

    I mean does the fears take you over?

    that is what I have to ask myself……

    Great post though… I’m looking at those myself…

    OXOXO



  97.  #97Too Much on August 17, 2013 at 2:39 pm

    Lisa

    Thank you for your post.

    Yes, I feel very controlled by my fear.

    I feel very confused.

    So he’s just called me and was all full of himself.

    He said he was drunk and he never drinks.

    Am I supposed to feel sorry for him??

    Also he was and always is really smutty on the phone.

    I actually told him I didn’t like it but it hasn’t gone in

    I have been so niave

    I wanted a perfect relationship…



  98.  #98Cris on August 17, 2013 at 4:10 pm

    Too Much
    I think it is as easy as you are NOT in love with him and he (poor guy) IS. Why almost nobody mention this simple fact on this blog? I think I mentioned once, a man can behave as in a “manual of the perfect lover” but if the magic, the nonsense of being in love (even if there is nothing in common) is not there and never was there… lots of luck for saying goodbye to this person and go where your heart can beats!!!
    love, Cris



  99.  #99Hana on August 17, 2013 at 4:13 pm

    Hi Sirens,

    Feminine Woman, thank you for the past comment. It has been helpful, and I just want to ask what you would suggest I do tonight, because even though I am not too anxious about things regarding A and me, because I have been fine and circular dating quite a bit which has helped me with the confidence and my vibe. But, I do miss A quite a lot and tonight I am debating whether I should go to the club or not or a different one, because I feel like I may get extra vulnerable if I see him there…. I’m sure you’re tired of hearing this haha…but I really can’t decide what I should do. I miss him the last 3 days really more than I did in the last 2 weeks.

    Xoxo



  100.  #100Cris on August 17, 2013 at 4:20 pm

    Hello Hana!!
    I would follow my heart and go there to meet him, but maybe you should give him the opportunity of missing you as well… so maybe the correct advice should be not to go
    … (sorry)

    <3



  101.  #101Hana on August 17, 2013 at 4:25 pm

    Wow Chris, your writing is really good in English :). Thank you for your advice, this is exactly how I’m feeling. Following my heart has gotten me “bubkas” in this relationship lol, I feel like I should make him miss me, but at the same token I shouldn’t really worry about making him miss me, I need to let him go out of my life because I don’t feel like what he was offering me was good enough. But I just love the club and my friends…and truth be told I am also torn because I am dying to see his face. Ugggggggghhhhh!!

    How are you sweetheart?

    Xoxo



  102.  #102Cris on August 17, 2013 at 4:35 pm

    ha ha thanks Hana!! I am afraid I was not of big help.
    .. definitely you have to be strong tonight and not go!! 🙁
    here it is 1:32 and as I am at home (not in a club unfortunately) I must go to bed.

    all the best and don’t forget to tell us what your decision was! enjoy! xx



  103.  #103Hana on August 17, 2013 at 4:47 pm

    Much love and good night Chris, xo



  104.  #104Vi on August 17, 2013 at 6:06 pm

    78 Hi Femininewoman, I am telling him that I like him and will let him know if I am back to romantic dating and he is welcome to join the competition. What he’ll do with the invitation is not my business.



  105.  #105Vi on August 17, 2013 at 6:31 pm

    Hmm if it feels like chasing I could put it.. ‘but I could let you know if I am back to dating if you want…’



  106.  #106Vi on August 17, 2013 at 6:38 pm

    And add ‘What do you think?’ .. Feels even better to me by the way.

    How does this script version feel to you, Femininewoman?



  107.  #107Lisa on August 17, 2013 at 9:18 pm

    I have my second date with “M2” tomorrow night…

    he e-mailed me through dating site, said it was so great to see you and your daughter and how he wished we had gone together… ( that was cute)

    Ask me again, when he can see me…but on the e-mail I sent back it said, it felt so nice to see you too. here is my cell and we can set up a date.. he called me like within a hour….. tried to get me to cancel my plans for the evening so he could see me… LOL!

    I went out with social group tonight… I started to feel sad, missing “M”… we danced well together (that is an understatement!), started the story of my life in my head… and then all of the sudden the lady sitting beside me said ( she was talking all along) her husband just died… less than a year ago! I was so taken back! that is shook me up and I said. LISA! this is where your suppose to be right NOW! With this woman listening to her, and look around you! These people love to dance! Where else is there to be but here now!

    I had fun! I listed to this woman… and watched her smile and her face light up… and we had a nice chat once I got over myself…

    I danced so hard… I’m so tired… I left just happy as can be! Joyful!

    I love me! I love being this joyful light that shines… and can sit and really listen to a person! in pain and desperate for love and understanding… I hugged her at the end of the evening, she had been married 40 years…

    My heart is hurting now… I realize how wonderful it would be to be married 40 years to an amazing man… I don’t know if I’ll ever have that…she did….

    But I wouldn’t have given up tonight for anything in the world… She doesn’t realize how she touched my heart… and how she shook me up enough to get me out of myself, and wake up and be in the moment…

    It was just amazing…

    I can’t keep from crying! my heart is so open right now!

    OXOX



  108.  #108T-Girl on August 17, 2013 at 9:41 pm

    Wow Rori. I know you said you want to move on but this post has really helped me. I lost my little best friend last week and it has been so hard. It took me awhile to get through this post and to let it sink in. In fact, I think I need to reread it again. I am so sorry to hear about your loss.



  109.  #109Femininewoman on August 17, 2013 at 10:07 pm

    Vi I would just tell him I like him and I am in a committed relationship, darn too late.

    Asking for contacts is something I’d leave for a man to do. Also it could send the wrong message about you (possible cheat). Let him figure out that he has to keep in touch



  110.  #110Emerson on August 17, 2013 at 10:23 pm

    So sorry Rori.
    ((((Hugs))))



  111.  #111Vi on August 17, 2013 at 11:16 pm

    Femininewoman, thank you! This wording feels really better, I even feel softer in my body.



  112.  #112AmazingMe,R.N on August 18, 2013 at 12:05 am

    Hello sirens its been sooo ;long and I miss u all. Rori, I am sorry for your loss, I know you will pull through with your amazing strength. I had to have surgery in my neck and been on leave for work but really?????I don’t want to be out of work but i get it. I have been pretty single. working, spending gtreat times with kiddos before school. I love reading all your thoughts.You know I have some venting to do. my step dad was a jerk tonight. lately he’s so touchy. i just was calling dogs to go out for last pee break and he said, huh? i said oh nothin talking to dogs and he says wel i didnt know you talk the same way when your talking to me, the kids or the dogs so i didnt know who you were talking to! LOL…i laughed inside though and was like ok “MASTER” i will change octives next time. i mean lately he flips at wierdest times and you cannot tell him nothing cause he is right which is rarely true.I appreciate the help with kids and staying here until we get another place. as always. i do worry about my mom and her happiness a lot though. i just want her happy. i also feel i work hard and deserve the same. there is something out there for me i just hope to find it one day soon



  113.  #113Too Much on August 18, 2013 at 2:28 am

    So, he phoned me and I noticed how usually I would try and make him laugh or connect with him on some level. Or just plain excuse him if he didn’t seem that interested in me.

    This time I just said what I thought and plainly disagreed with him. At first he laughed in disbelief but I didn’t laugh back.

    I hope and pray I am strong enough to keep away from this man…

    I just want him to take the hint but I’m pretty sure it will just make him more determined…



  114.  #114Too Much on August 18, 2013 at 2:29 am

    By the way, did I do the right thing?

    Is there any other advice you could give me?



  115.  #115Too Much on August 18, 2013 at 2:37 am

    My mum is so cynical.

    It has made me view life in a cynical light

    I really loathe this. Hate it.

    I wish I could just let go of my cynical hat and glide through life and just be like so many of you other sirens.

    I so envy that

    I hate being this negative vibe

    I don’t know how I got this way

    I wish I could change…

    I see so many lovely and wonderful things but yet I always feel a bystander to it all watching from the sidelines

    Why do I have to be such a deep and analytical person?

    When someone asked me yesterday about being vulnerable maybe they are spot on

    Maybe the message of this man that I am with is to be more vulnerable and to just let life happen

    I need to not try and control him

    I feel so wound up that I will never be able to get away from him

    To his face I am loving and kind

    I feel so confused how to be…?



  116.  #116Too Much on August 18, 2013 at 3:03 am

    Please be as tough as possible with me as I feel I have no self awareness at all..



  117.  #117Too Much on August 18, 2013 at 3:08 am

    I feel heavy

    I feel my post are heavy

    I geel tight and closed in

    I feel muffled and oppressed

    I feel burdened and put apon

    I feel unable to be light and free

    I feel serious and a huge sense of duty and responsibility

    I feel like I have to keep my true feelings and emotions to myself

    Must never put myself first

    Must keep everyone happy

    Don’t know how to handle disagreeing with people

    I get annoyed if they don’t see thjngs my way

    I hold on to resentment and negative energy

    How can I learn to be more natural and let natural joy oass through me

    How do J learn to focus less on negative things and more on positive things

    How do I focus more on me and my happiness and my goals in life and less on keeping others happy



  118.  #118Indigo on August 18, 2013 at 3:16 am

    Too Much

    Please don’t have the view that other sirens glide through life.

    I also don’t feel that your posts show a lack of self-awareness… if anything, being rather hard on yourself.

    Letting go of resentment and cynicism and negativity can be as simple as choosing a better feeling thought in the moment; allowing your negative feelings to come, to love them, have compassion on yourself and allow them to pass in time.



  119.  #119Too Much on August 18, 2013 at 4:42 am

    Indigo

    Yes, that is a good point about negative feelings. To let them come, acknowedge them and then let them go…

    That sounds good.



  120.  #120Too Much on August 18, 2013 at 4:43 am

    I can see right now that I am just like my father..



  121.  #121CurvySiren10 on August 18, 2013 at 7:18 am

    Too Much, what I am sensing is a vibe of somehow being unable to control your choices, your thoughts, your environment. Like you are not the one who is making the decisions about your life, but instead some ‘bigger’ force. Reality is, it’s always up to you…..the vibe, the attitude, the perspective of ‘choices’.

    “Wishing” something wouldn’t happen- or would, sounds frustrating to me and I can really see how that would put you in a position of feeling trapped and stuck. Maybe your work should be on embracing your feelings- regardless of what they are, and also embracing the fact that you are ultimately calling the shots for your own life.

    xoxo



  122.  #122Syreena on August 18, 2013 at 7:26 am

    I feel a deep sadness about that I was brought that it was wrong to have any negative feelings. That they should not exist.
    And that I shouldn’t have them. That I wrong and there was something wrong with me if i had them, that I was bad.

    This feels so nuts and crazy making and not real.
    Of course I am at times going to feel, sad, disappointed, miserable, angry, etc etc.
    It is part of what makes us human

    I was taught to put on a fake smile, pretend and that my negativ feelings were not real.
    My reality was not real.

    How did this and does this make me feel.
    It made me at the time question what was real.
    It made no sense so I wanted to escape this world that made no sense. I wanted to withdraw, from my caregivers. I felt unsafe, uncared for, lonley and unloved.

    I still feel mostly the same. Apart from escaping to fantasy. i would like to create a better reality.
    Is that really possible.
    At times I just do no know.
    I just do not know if I have the energy or the drive.
    As at times I feel so overwhelmed by everything. And just want to be alone with peace and quiet. And other times feel agitated and wanting to do.

    The clock is ticking and cannot go backwards in real time. At least that is what we are told and so believe.

    What do I want and don’t want now?
    Well I don’t want to be around people who tell me my feelings are wrong or I shouldn’t have them according to their logic.

    Their logic has nothing to do with my real feelings.
    Especially as often their logic is flawed.



  123.  #123Syreena on August 18, 2013 at 7:33 am

    Too much, we are suppossed to have negative feelings.

    When you are being cynical, what negative feeling comes up if you tune into them?



  124.  #124Syreena on August 18, 2013 at 7:34 am

    To me at least being cynical is being real.

    What is so wrong with being cynical anyway?



  125.  #125Jessie1000 on August 18, 2013 at 7:34 am

    My Psychology teacher in Addictions and Counselling in Undergrad classes was very wise. He told me apart from the extremely mentally ill people (schizophrenia, bipolar, violent etc the small percentage) there are a number of clients that go to counselling for one simple reason:

    Clients have a hard time dealing with the fact that bad things do sometimes happen to good people.

    Perhaps the most difficult thing to do is to deal with reality. You cant change reality. You cannot alter reality or how much it hurts. Trying to change circumstances or events to the good or positive (a great judao-christian trope) is often quite futile.
    Sometimes you just got sit with it. And feel awful. And stop working for a bit. And it will pass and sometimes there is no sense to anything. And there is no answer to the “why me” and it doesnt always “make you stronger” in fact it might make you feel weaker. But the biggest thing to remember is perspective. Everything happens to everyone. To good people and to bad people. No one does not have problems. Living a good life and being kind to others will not prevent you from having problems. Unfortunately.



  126.  #126Olivia on August 18, 2013 at 7:57 am

    @Lisa — thanks! And things felt really intimate and opened up 24 hours later. I feel like I have the power now to stop snooping!

    And, btw:

    “LISA! this is where your suppose to be right NOW! With this woman listening to her, and look around you! These people love to dance! Where else is there to be but here now!”

    I love this! This is why I love reading this blog..such good “gem” reminders….



  127.  #127Indigo on August 18, 2013 at 8:26 am

    CurvySiren

    “Maybe your work should be on embracing your feelings- regardless of what they are, and also embracing the fact that you are ultimately calling the shots for your own life.”

    Thank you. I really needed to hear that today.

    xxx



  128.  #128Indigo on August 18, 2013 at 8:33 am

    Today, I just felt ick. As if nothing made sense. This is SO not what I had in mind for this day, and I had to come face to face with the fact that I am the one making decisions in my life, and how hard this sometimes feels. The big ones and the little ones.

    It was in the little decisions today – what to say, whether to say it, how often to say it, what thoughts to have, actually just getting through what is to all outward appearances, an ordinary Sunday, that I felt triggered to extreme discomfort and helplessness.

    As if waves of ick were coming up and I had absolutely no idea what they were, and sitting with it all felt way too hard.

    My man is my mirror, and that concept feels empowering at times and at times utterly despairing. In the end, I just went for a long walk and prayed and hoped with everything in my soul that tomorrow would be better.



  129.  #129Lisa on August 18, 2013 at 8:34 am

    I woke up this morning realizing that “M2” might have thought when I said “Sunday” that I meant next Sunday…. and I was thinking tomorrow. Like in today for the date…

    I said, I don’t know about next week as my older daughter starts college… he interrupted me… so

    then as the convo went on… he tried to get me to change my plans for last night to go out with him…

    I said so where should I meet you at 6p… he said I’ll e-mail or call you before then and let you know…

    I realize that getting up this morning he might think next Sunday… instead of today….oops!!

    So! What do I do? Just wait to see if he calls or e-mails about today? And then wait to see if not today then he thinks next Sunday?

    I don’t want to loose my degree of difficulty, and I don’t want to lean forward… but, I also don’t want to NOT know what I’m doing tonight.

    This happens when I get interrupted, I lose my train of thought. ugggg

    I haven’t really ever confirmed a date except one time, and I realized that, that didn’t feel good, so I haven’t done it since.

    Since this is a new guy, very new relationship… or should I say C’dating… what should I do?

    OXOXO



  130.  #130CurvySiren10 on August 18, 2013 at 9:42 am

    Aww Indigo, thank you. I am glad my words to Too Much helped you in a small way. Interesting timing actually after reading your second post.

    Sending so many hugs as you wade through the mire. I think you are amazingly insightful and self-actualized if that helps at all. I feel sure you’ll figure this out…and tomorrow will indeed be better!! xoxo



  131.  #131Too Much on August 18, 2013 at 9:46 am

    Syreena

    When I am cynical the negative feelings that come up are guilt, shame, fear at my own negativity, worry of being judged by others as nasty and bad.

    Then J feel all the self loathing and anger towards myself…



  132.  #132Indigo on August 18, 2013 at 10:00 am

    Thank you CurvySiren, for the wonderful words, and also for the hugs. I needed them, and they felt good.

    I struggle not to be hard on myself on days like this. I am even hard on myself that I am hard on myself.

    I’m trying to laugh at that.

    xxx



  133.  #133Lisa on August 18, 2013 at 10:14 am

    Ok so I should just let it go and not clarify?

    tonight or next sunday?

    OXOX



  134.  #134Too Much on August 18, 2013 at 10:25 am

    Sirens thank you for your responses!

    I keep thinking to myself what is the message of this man?

    Maybe it is to put my needs first more and try not to please other people in order to make them like me..

    Anyway, after the phone call last night I haven’t heard from him all day.

    I should be happy but I am just thinking and thinking about him.

    Please help me to stay away from him…

    I am so scared that I will go back with my tail between my legs

    I am so scared I want him more than I don’t want him yet I know he is wrong for me and I am not happy…

    Arrggghhhhh….

    Lean back, lean back, lean back…



  135.  #135Magic Seahorse on August 18, 2013 at 10:54 am

    Indigo- Laugh!!! Roll around on the floor and get into the laughing;) Feels awesome and even better, you might loosen up something that needed loosening. A Win Win for Indigo……… big hugs!



  136.  #136LoveAlways on August 18, 2013 at 11:36 am

    I feel horrible and it feels great, like a feeling of relief washing over me. I was feeling tight and tense and upset about a comment directed at me, and I kept going into my feelings, feeling them, and I felt awful like being covered in dried mud. But suddenly, I felt the real underlying feeling and it had NOTHING to do with comment!! I had to do with an issue bothering me all week. Something beyond my control, and at that moment I felt relieved even though I still felt angry about the comment – I’m really starting to get this process. That feels comforting and feels so good to me.



  137.  #137Tereana on August 18, 2013 at 11:57 am

    So sad, Rori. But brave. You did the best you could. She forgives you and loves you. Our pets are so important. Only pet owners truly know this. May her memory be a blessing….



  138.  #138Indigo on August 18, 2013 at 2:13 pm

    Thank you Seahorse 🙂

    (((((hugs)))))



  139.  #139Too Much on August 18, 2013 at 3:14 pm

    This is going to be harder than I thought

    He is leaning forward and telling me, over text, that he is proud to call me his girlfriend and that he is geniuinely proud of me.

    I don’t get it???

    Something doesn’t sit right with me.

    He has trated me like he doesn’t want to be with me – now he clicks his fingers and he thinks I’ll come running.

    I’m so scared because I do want to run to him and tell him everything will be okay…

    I don’t know what to think or do?

    Does he really love me? Does he really want me? Or does he just not want to be on his own…

    Argghhhh

    I am finding it so hard to lean back…



  140.  #140Too Much on August 18, 2013 at 3:15 pm

    Do I just so desperately want to believe that he loves me…????

    I feel scared..



  141.  #141prplpsn28 on August 18, 2013 at 3:58 pm

    Been so busy I’m having trouble keeping up with the blog.

    Rori…so sorry for your loss. It’s always difficult when we lose a furry family member. I’ve lost several myself over the years and I currently have two. I hope you find peace in the happy memories of Hazel.



  142.  #142Dominique on August 18, 2013 at 4:13 pm

    Too Much – Words can mean a lot, and they can mean nothing at all. If the actions aren’t there to back up his words, then they don’t mean so much.

    I feel concerned about how stressed you feel over this, how anxious. This doesn’t seem healthy for you.

    xxoo



  143.  #143Zara on August 18, 2013 at 11:11 pm

    (((Rori)))



  144.  #144Millie on August 18, 2013 at 11:58 pm

    @Too Much–

    I wonder if you are truly listening to yourself. You say you are being in feminine energy with this man, but you also say you cannot be yourself with him. I do not believe a truthful relationship can form when one does not feel comfortable enough to relax and show their true colors. I also hear that you do not like or accept his true colors. Just because a man steps up does not mean you have to choose him. It sounds like you are practicing the tools wonderfully, just think of how wonderful it would feel to use the tools and attract a man you truly feel ecstatic about 100%! I believe it is possible.



  145.  #145Millie on August 19, 2013 at 12:05 am

    I want to share that I had a wonderful date this weekend. I felt truly myself in the presence of this man and feel so proud of myself for that. He called the other night and we talked and it was great! I laughed a lot and felt we connected on many things. It feels so refreshing and good to have a conversation go as well as that. Great men are out there ladies! He asked me to go on a hike with him and at first asked me to come to his place, which I did not accept. Then he offered to come pick me up, which I did accept. We had such great conversation and even when it was silent, I felt good. He asked me to lunch after, opened the car door for me every time we got in and out, paid for everything, including when I offered to run out and get a parking permit for the hiking place. It felt so nice to be treated like a lady. After lunch he wanted to make mint juleps at his place. I was enjoying myself so I said yes, even though the date was feeling long. I had evening plans so there would be an end in sight. We sat in his backyard and sipped the drinks and just soaked in the afternoon, listened to music, and talked. He put his arm around me and kissed my cheeks, saying he couldn’t stop thinking about me all week…..we had a passionate goodbye kiss and had a cheesey moment of exchanging “I like you’s.” It was overall very cute. I’m looking forward to more, but want to take it slow. Yay!!



  146.  #146Millie on August 19, 2013 at 12:20 am

    In other news……I have a trip planned to palm springs with another man in a couple weeks. I’m sure you all remember me writing about this man……we have a long history and in our last conversation I told him I wanted an open relationship. I did not want to be exclusive with anyone right now until I find someone that wants the same things I do and wants me 100%. I cannot give 100% until then. I feel good about this.

    What I do not feel good about is that he and I had an intense night a few wknds ago….I decided that despite what had happened I still value his and I’s friendship/relationship, that I value how he had stepped up that night emotionally, and that I still wanted to go on the trip with him. Since that night we have talked a few times, one night was really great, a lot of flirting and joking and making light of the seriousness that had happened between us and it felt good. Since then, I feel a coldness from him. I am starting to feel insecure and I realize that with his man I have a constant sense that he is going to pull the rug out from under me at any moment. I just realized that today. For a long time, I thought I was just an insecure person, but since dating other people I realize that I’m not at all. I’m actually extremely confident, but he brings that insecurity out of me. He says a lot things, but I find myself doubting his follow through. I find myself doubting this trip is going to happen. I don’t want to sabotage it by revealing all of my insecurity, but at the same time I don’t want to go with someone who doesn’t 100% feel excited about the trip, nor do I want to faced with him flaking out at the last minute. I’m not sure how to handle this. Today I asked if he was excited about the trip and he said “yes I am.” very matter of fact. It feels very unlike him and I feel that something is awry inside him. I did lean forward and ask if we can get together this week, for me I felt like I needed to talk face to face, even though I know men pull away when they feel too emotional. He never answered. I just don’t feel comfortable. So I leaned forward again and said- I don’t want to assume anything, but is there something on your mind? I feel the quietness between us… That is all, so far no response. It is very unlike him. I’m not sure if I should just wait and see what happens over the next couple weeks or just cancel the trip and make other plans. A part of me is exhausted by him and this relationship. I don’t really want to put up with someone who is going to act as he is acting. I’m tired of it. I’ve known him for years, if he can’t share how he is feeling now, he never will be able to. I also know it isn’t me. I have done nothing wrong. I truly love who I am right now, and my patience is waning with him.



  147.  #147Too Much on August 19, 2013 at 3:56 am

    Millie

    Thank you for your response. I guess my worry is that my normal, genuine response to some of the things he said would be percieved as extremely negative. I.e. ‘Shut up, you are boring me when you talk about ….’ Etc..

    Because that would be me truly being myself and I ferl this would / might cause conflict.

    I don’t pretend I am overly interested but I am just polite. Either way I am not being genuine but how do I do this with not being rude.

    Maybe I am scared to hurt his feelings..

    But then I guess I am anwering my own question…

    I just want to retreat peacefully…



  148.  #148Dominique on August 19, 2013 at 5:27 am

    Too Much – How about – I feel bored – and then quietly retreat, peacefully.

    You can’t control how he feels. He will feel as he does.

    xxoo



  149.  #149Femininewoman on August 19, 2013 at 9:12 am

    Millie remember you told him you wanted an open relationship.

    Maybe for him it means the relationship between you two is casual with no strings attached. I am sure he knows how women are and that for most this trip would be like a big step forward in the relationship.

    Are you going on this trip like a “male” buddy who will have casual sex with him or a female who has standards and requirements for herself? He might just be confused.



  150.  #150Tereana on August 19, 2013 at 9:19 am

    Ah, well. So I’m in the park where I met the guy before. Just because it’s near my work. I often come here. Different bench.

    He’s not going to call me. I suppose I didn’t need to volunteer the fact that I’m only here for the summer & leaving in a few weeks. If I were here longer, maybe. Why invest himself on someone who is leaving? Oh well, it was fun chatting. When he stood up, his sandwich blew off the bench. He said he didn’t mind. He sacrificed his sandwich for me ; )



  151.  #151redbutterfly on August 19, 2013 at 9:27 am

    So sad to hear about your dog, Rori. They become part of our family and daily lives and it is so very hard to let them go. Hugs.



  152.  #152Tereana on August 19, 2013 at 9:29 am

    I feel sad. Yesterday I met up with a friend I haven’t seen in about 15 years, since high school, basically.

    Well, she is now married to a very lovely Indian man, and they have a gorgeous little 2-year old child. I really lived spending time with them, and letting him cook for us. The 2-year old was adorable.

    But afterward I felt so sad. I’d just been exposed to the kind of life I want, and which feels out of my reach right now, or at least, invisible. Not present with me. The nice house, the great husband. A life that seems easy and relaxed, even when stresses come up. Because stresses can be dealt with.

    It feels like I can’t do those things, can’t have those things. At least not right now? And why not? She’s not any more special than me. She doesn’t have extra special talents or abilities. And even though she is good-looking, it’s not like she is anyone’s model. She’s just an average girl. And here I am, stretching myself out, trying to be exceptional in every possible way, and it literally gets me nothing.

    That’s why I feel so sad, I think. I work so hard, and ultimately for nothing. I probably don’t have to work this hard. But most of the time, I don’t even realize I’m doing it. It just feels “normal.”

    I tell myself this will all be worth it. Like I’ve come this far, and I still have more to go. I’ll herby here and it seems far away. And the end, I know it will have been worth the wait.

    But let’s be honest: this waiting time, thus being alone without the people I want in my life – it sucks. Big time. It super extra sucks and I hate it. I’d be lying if I said otherwise



  153.  #153Too Much on August 19, 2013 at 10:50 am

    Tereana

    I have so been there. I bet many sirens have!

    I try and flip it so that rather than me envying her, she envies me and my single life.

    I mean you are free to do what you want, go where you want. You don’t have to answer to anyone.

    She has to answer to her husband, take responsibility for her child and probably has inlaws galore all butting their noses in…

    Well, that’s what I think anyway!



  154.  #154Indigo on August 19, 2013 at 11:02 am

    Tereana,

    I have a slightly different take on it from Too Much.

    You are where you are because you choose to be there. I’m guessing it’s not lack of opportunity that you don’t have what she has. You have chosen to walk a different path, learning different things about yourself, growing, expanding in different ways. If exactly what she had was exactly what you wanted, you would have it. But it isn’t. You need fulfillment in different ways from her, and you are on a different journey. It’s a subtle difference, but an important one when you start to feel sad because of what you perceive others have.

    I rarely feel sad because of what others have that I don’t, because I know… I don’t really want it. Not really. Not in that form. I want what’s perfect for *me*.

    x



  155.  #155Hana on August 19, 2013 at 12:32 pm

    I like that Indigo, that is a really cool viewpoint to have!



  156.  #156Millie on August 19, 2013 at 12:34 pm

    @148 Femininewoman,

    No, I do not want to be treated like a male friend and I told him that. Originally he had asked me to split the hotel fee with him and I said no, that doesn’t feel romantic to me, and I told him I didn’t want to be treated like a buddy. He offered to pay for the whole room after that. I feel like his withdrawal has something to do with our intense evening a couple weeks ago. He and I have a history, and we do say “I love you.” So I’m not sure how he could feel confused, I think we have had many discussions and clarifications about our relationship. We have also been on many trips together before.

    I am starting to feel panicky–in the sense that I feel he has changed his mind about going with me and this withdrawal is he is way of getting me to say “I’m out.” I’m not sure if I’m being paranoid…..Arghh



  157.  #157Hana on August 19, 2013 at 12:36 pm

    Ladies, apart from a terrible tummy ache this afternoon hehe, my heartache is healing incredibly well. I went last Saturday to a slightly ghetto salsa venue and even though I had a less than decent time, I did dance enough and met a few new opportunities. I found it very frustrating to change my routine at first but followed my intuition and went towards that feeling. I’ve got a date on Tuesday with an Italian gentelman before my dancing, which should be fun to do before my dancing.

    Don’t miss A too much. Love that. My work is filling up a lot of space and insecurity.

    Xoxo



  158.  #158Cris on August 19, 2013 at 3:32 pm

    Congratulations Hana! that ‘s great!



  159.  #159Angel on August 22, 2013 at 12:30 am

    All hugs to you Rori! I’m sitting here crying in front of the screen because the whole post was so moving. Take your time in grief and I’m sure your choice was the right one for Hazel.



  160.  #160April Rose on August 22, 2013 at 3:28 pm

    (((((((Rori))))))))

    “I struggle with “if only” and “guilt” and “responsibility.”

    Me too. With my beloved dog at the end of his life. And in relationships.

    With your help I am learning to feel softer, be kinder to myself, and trust that I am doing the best I know how. And being receptive to divine guidance, in each moment.



  161.  #161Tereana on August 22, 2013 at 9:52 pm

    Too Much – that would be a great way to flip it around, if I didn’t know it wasn’t true! Although she might be envious of some aspects of my life, I know that she does not “answer to” her husband. She’s happy, clearly, with her life, and she is a super cool, not-stressed-out mom.

    Indigo – I hear you about the choosing, and that’s true, too. But at the same time that I know that I am single right now for good reason – to get where I need to be – I still feel sad. And that’s okay. If I didn’t feel and experience it, then I wouldn’t know that I was alive and passionate and knowing what I want.



  162.  #162Rori Raye on August 22, 2013 at 10:24 pm

    Thank you, April Rose….Love, Rori



  163.  #163jessica on August 27, 2013 at 1:24 pm

    Sends me a good man



  164.  #164Sue on August 28, 2013 at 4:55 pm

    Rori,

    I am sorry to hear of your loss. Hazel was unconditional love. A gift of faithfulness and trust. You could always count on Hazel for being there, always giving love. Just want to be near. What a beautiful gift to treasure for Hazel, your husband and you. You are in my prayers.



  165.  #165Melissa on August 28, 2013 at 6:35 pm

    Hi Rori,
    My heart goes out to you and Hazel. You love her and did your very best in the situation. I know what it’s like with a sick pet that’s been in your life for many years and how crushing it can be to be brave and set them free to cross the Rainbow Bridge. I admire your sharing and know in time, the love never leaves and Hazel will truly always be with you until you meet again.

    Big hugs,
    Melissa



  166.  #166Rori Raye on August 28, 2013 at 7:21 pm

    Sue, Thank you….Love, Rori



  167.  #167Rori Raye on August 28, 2013 at 7:22 pm

    Melissa, Thank you – Love, Rori



  168.  #168jacinta on September 25, 2013 at 2:04 pm

    I dated a guy for 11years n six months,everything was goin on fine and he also made a promise never to leave me,and if I ask him about marriage he will say once money come,but I had a dream were I saw is mum and she said in that dream that they did not want there son to marry me,after that dream things start goin bad in the relationship,till I confirm that he was trying to date a married woman it bring disappoint in the relationship and thing went wrong,and even if he hear that I told someone about what is goin on in the relationship it bring out more problem,have been loving this guy for years,and we have now go our separate ways,what will I do to win him back,he is my first love and the only boyfriend I have since I was born,please reply thanks



  169.  #169Lisa on September 29, 2013 at 9:57 am

    Hello Rori, I just read your book. Make him fall for you. I was amazed how much it felt as if it were written about myself and the man I have been involved with. He pushed a relationship, said I love you first, wanted to be exclusive, when I agreed and started being me he ran. Constant back and forth spats, then he began completely ignoring me. No hello, goodbye, closure, and what did I do? Chase him like a cuckoo so he thinks that’s what I am. Today, reading your book made me feel less alone then I’ve ever felt when a man does this to me. I am not going to contact him anymore, and if he never speaks to me again I feel “almost” Ok with it because of reading your book. Thank you, and one question. He’s been mean, stubborn, argumentative,nnon communicative, ignoring my calls/texts. I finally said today I was done with his crap, that ignoring me was the best thing he ever did for me, as it reminded me of the beautiful person I am, and how her much more I was worth. Not sure if he will respond, he’s still in anger/ignore mode, but if he does get in touch I’m not sure if I’m supposed to ignore back or answer and see what he says? Lisa



  170.  #170Confused on September 29, 2013 at 11:02 am

    Rori
    I met a man a year and a half ago we fell in love in two weeks and two more weeks later I quit everything I had going on and took my daughter and moved to dc to be with him we were going to get place and move together. Things didn’t work out that way and I got pregnant and had our son. Now we have been living with his grandmother for a year. I talk about getting our own place and having a family together like we planned, and he says he is game but it seems lately he has got lazy and comfortable, I feel like I’m doing all the work myself he makes all the money and it’s like he only thinks of himself and I feel like the love we had in the beginning is starting to fizzle already, I love him so much but what can I do to make him see that he needs to grow up and we need to get our life together I’m at the point where I just don’t care what he does anymore because everything I say is just falling on deaf ears. How do I make him come back to reality, or do I take my kids and just leave.



  171.  #171Rori Raye on September 30, 2013 at 7:39 am

    Confused – please please get some coaching – I can offer you many sessions with many great coaches for free for the next 2 months….write melanie@coachrori.com for the contact info…Love, rori