See Our New Dog Nell!

Untitled design (14)

Go here to see Nell “before” – and follow her story, including video of her daring rescue over 7 months ago on the streets of Los Angeles! (as I type, she’s laying on the floor beneath my chair):

https://www.facebook.com/cause4pawsrescuecrew?ref=br_tf

We almost felt bad taking her from Liz, Nell’s amazing foster-mom of Cause 4 Paws – and now Liz will be able to foster another deserving dog, and Nell gets to settle into our family (even our cat, Boston, likes her!)

Love, Rori

Posted in

156 Comments

  1.  #1Daria on October 17, 2013 at 3:13 pm

    Yay Rori! I feel happy for you! 🙂



  2.  #2Daria on October 17, 2013 at 3:14 pm

    ‘When you meet someone, resist the masculine urge to make snap judgements about others and instead, take on the feminine quality of being open to what the person may have to show you and what they may even have to teach you about life, and accept and unconditionally love them the way that they are, flaws and all, without judging, having critical thoughts, or hoping that they’d change their behavior.’

    http://www.theproperlady.com/2013/01/10-steps-to-becoming-feminine-woman.html?m=1



  3.  #3Daria on October 17, 2013 at 3:29 pm

    hehe i put “the flyest” as my facebook status and guys are starting to like it !

    including Get Rigth hehe

    wow i feel flattereeeed hahahaa

    they KNOW

    whos Fly liek me

    whos fly like D

    LOL

    NO BODY!

    seriously

    i know yall know im fly in writing but

    you should see me move in person

    hehe

    brings tears to my eyes the body im in

    the way it moves



  4.  #4Zia on October 17, 2013 at 5:08 pm

    Lovely!! 🙂



  5.  #5Daria on October 17, 2013 at 5:12 pm

    okay id like to give an example of energy dynamics.

    I did something i do Sometimes, tho not often, which is reach out to a bunch of men cuz i was feeling like i needed attention.

    this is gonna show u how they interact with me too. its diff w each one

    Bookieman:

    Me: Yo 🙂

    Yo

    hehe
    i was feelin lonely

    Wyd today

    i went to dance class
    i felt all emotional today now i smoked its nite here

    Haha i like nite

    🙂
    ok bye now papi 🙂 thank u for answerin u made me feel betta

    Fasho

    *****

    see how he says stuff like “i like nite” how can you not love that. he’s so simple and non judgmental. i guess that is feminine energy. i just feel so safe with him.

    OK now

    Getright:

    Yo 🙂

    Wass poppn

    Hehe im feelin lonely

    U want sum of this yick

    lol ugh u always know what im feeln

    I lite way miss yo ass,,,, but anyway how is it out there

    i kno 🙂 thanks for tellin me. its hella boring. at home doing fam stuff tho.

    Aw weak,,,,dnt get kidnap Ed like that movie taken

    lol hell naw. ima be back in 2 weeks. cant wait
    anyway i aint doing farm stuff im doin family stuff
    smh
    i just now realized wat u was sayin
    lol

    Lil goofy

    🙂 aww papi
    i feel all smily
    thanks for answerin u made me feel betta… i cant wait to be back



  6.  #6Daria on October 17, 2013 at 5:13 pm

    so yeah i capped those convos quick but wow!

    feels weird to ‘see’ them exemplified through just a short convo!

    their energy totally comes thru

    my humble and my arrogant smh

    hehehehe

    how cute

    they’re both feminine energy in thir own way

    🙂



  7.  #7Daria on October 17, 2013 at 5:17 pm

    im doing rally well at not bringing myself doubts or beating myself up for intitiating convos

    im getting all the usual thoughts but not so much beating self up or feeling so scared

    yay!

    that flt FUN

    my guys that might not be able to give me all i want can give me something sometimes 🙂

    ahhh

    this feels relaxing!

    i wonder what Sexy Neighbor is up to 🙂

    mmmm

    he can give me what i want hehehehe

    i cant wait to go on that date with him !

    i feel excited and nervous!

    i cant wait to meet more men cz i feel nervous aout this lol



  8.  #8Vi on October 17, 2013 at 7:21 pm

    I feel do much resistance to write about things that feel good to me, I think it might be sort of ‘abusive ‘ to those who do not feel that way when I do.. I feel almost in awe of how difficult it feels to me… I feel so guilty and like I am not enough when I have enough!!!! I feel an urge to degrade these good ferlings somehow, to stay crumbled…. I love my shame I love my guilt, I love my resistance.. And I am in charge. I commit myself to be vocal about all the good the Life sends my way, despite the fear. And yes I feel fear and I love my fear!!



  9.  #9Veronica on October 17, 2013 at 9:46 pm

    Fireguy pitched up! He had internet connection issues. He’s so open and giving and ready like I had a feeling he might be.
    But I am so triggered – I’ve haven’t had a man be honest and flirty with me like that. I get scared, wondering if I’m just being duped or used or going to get hurt. I was wanting to flee, run away, make excuses and there wasn’t anything he was saying that was insulting or manipulative or rude or cruel. I felt so afraid, it was huge fear. But I said how I felt, he listened : ) and I didn’t do anything until I felt sure I understood what he meant even though the fear was buzzing around me. And it turned out so well.

    I’m feeling a little astonished that a man saying he would like to chat to me everyday if I wanted to would have me feeling afraid. I wonder if this is normal, to be this afraid of affection and attention. And there’s no sex talk to make me feel afraid (as in too much too soon and inappropriate); it’s just plain affection.

    I told him I feel overwhelmed and he asked if he was being too much for me — that helps me to feel safe, breathe.

    And him sending a virtual kiss has me dealing with feelings of puking because I’m back to that little girl who was being groomed – I hate that that comes up, I hate having to deal with feelings of repulsion when the equivalent of an x pitches up on screen. It happened 19 years ago, why can’t this leave me alone? Why can’t I just enjoy the desire of a sweet man who wants to send me a kiss?

    Breathe.



  10.  #10carla on October 17, 2013 at 10:43 pm

    so sweet! i love a good rescue story. congrats rori!! i’m a big dog lover and have two rescues 🙂
    they make the best doggie family members!



  11.  #11Lemonbutter on October 18, 2013 at 2:18 am

    I feel uplifted by this lovely blog about your new dog. It’s always nice to know when a dog has been rescued and taken into a loving and safe home.

    I love dogs, how loyal and affectionate and attentive they are. I don’t have any at the moment, I can’t where I live right now, but I really do want a dog of my own. A husky or a malamute. Gorgeous dogs, so loving.



  12.  #12Cris on October 18, 2013 at 6:02 am

    Congratulations!!!



  13.  #13Cris on October 18, 2013 at 6:04 am

    nice to see the face of the recipient of some Rori’s tool 😀



  14.  #14Daria on October 18, 2013 at 6:40 am

    (((((Veronica)))))



  15.  #15Shina on October 18, 2013 at 7:47 am

    Congratulations Rori to your new furbaby! Nell couldn’t have asked for a better home 🙂 Much love and blessings to you and your family!



  16.  #16Vi on October 18, 2013 at 8:14 am

    aww feeling so much shame and guilt to be vocal about all the good coming my way… feeling afraid it is going to hurt others…. I love my fear, I love my guilt, I love my shame… I want to feel safe talking about the abundance I feel and have… ouch ouch ouch… I intend to get comfortable with it. I want to feel safe sharing it and sharing about it. I feel tired to feel not enough when I have enough or even more than enough… I intend to heal my guilt. Thank you. I love me.



  17.  #17Mercedes on October 18, 2013 at 9:06 am

    Vi: I used to feel that way here and one woman who used to post here worked really hard at trying to keep me feeling that way. I’m past it now. Life is a blessing and when we notice our blessings, I think it helps people (it doesn’t hurt them) for us to share. We share for inspiration, we share for spreading joy, we share because WE are happy and WE deserve to be happy!!! The world should celebrate with us as we should celebrate with all others when they reach a point where they can notice their blessings!!!!

    Feel good Vi…share…express your happiness! I too live a very abundant life and I believe that MOST people want to hear about it because they feel inspired by positive stories. Yes…there are some who want everyone to live a negative life with them but there are many, many more who can appreciate the blessings of others and smile and celebrate with them knowing theirs is on the way. 🙂

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  18.  #18Mercedes on October 18, 2013 at 11:40 am

    Off to spend a long weekend with my love! Headed to Knoxville, TN…YAY! 🙂

    Have a fantastic weekend everyone!

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  19.  #19Indigo on October 18, 2013 at 12:01 pm

    Yay Mercedes!! Enjoy!

    And I adore hearing people’s positive stories, and stories of abundance… the world has more than enough, and we are all more than enough.



  20.  #20Dominique on October 18, 2013 at 1:23 pm

    Vi – 15 – Sharing you good feeling stories only inspires and give hope to others. Love that guilt, and plunge forth anyway.

    xxoo



  21.  #21Daria on October 18, 2013 at 2:08 pm

    I wish the links to Rori’s coaches worked 🙁 I don’t know if any of them work … all the ones I clicked did not. Maybe it’s just from me being in Romania… i remember coachrori.com didn’t work from here



  22.  #22Hana on October 18, 2013 at 3:27 pm

    Hi everyone! I don’t even know where to begin, I’ve been gone for so long. 🙂



  23.  #23ArabianLove on October 18, 2013 at 4:51 pm

    Hana !!!! 🙂



  24.  #24Syreena on October 18, 2013 at 5:09 pm

    Cute dog. How lovely.



  25.  #25Hana on October 18, 2013 at 5:13 pm

    Arabian Goddess! How have you been? I haven’t spoken to you in so long….

    xxoo



  26.  #26Rori Raye on October 18, 2013 at 5:14 pm

    yayyy Vi! Love, Rori



  27.  #27angela on October 18, 2013 at 5:38 pm

    Mercedes the tool you suggested, imagining myself surrounded by light, is working! I am feeling better when i encounter beautiful women, i don’t lose my power and beauty!
    Also today things feel different its no longer the feeling he left because i was ugly or not enough or crazy.
    I feel maybe we weren’t a good match and so what?
    He’s gone so?
    I am still beautiful enough for other men!

    Its also scary to think he might be back, hmm ewww i dont know maybe now i’ll be more centered and i wont need him anymore.

    Yes that feels good to think and say, because after all like Rori says its all about my own story.



  28.  #28prplpsn28 on October 18, 2013 at 5:41 pm

    So happy for you Rori! I have a 4 yr old kitty that I reacued when he was 1 yr old. Super sweet kitty! And he gets along great with my dog. They actually cuddle with each other.



  29.  #29ArabianLove on October 18, 2013 at 5:57 pm

    I know I’m great !!! Men showering me with attention, always feels good lol. But life is great 😉 ! How about you tell me !!



  30.  #30Tereana on October 18, 2013 at 5:59 pm

    Hi Ladies – I have met a *wonderful* man. <> <>

    He’s not anything I expected a good man for me to be, and yet, he makes so much sense to me as well. He’s not Indian, for one thing (ha! And I am still attracted to the Indian men. ; ) But hey, that might never go away. The same way I’ll always be attracted to women. That doesn’t mean I need to sleep with all of them…Anyway.) He’s Asian. Or he’s half-Asian. He’s from the same area of the States that I’m from, but we’ve both moved across the country. His parents are separated.

    He’s more than a decade older than me. But I rarely feel the age difference. In fact, when I met him – which was while I was out walking by some water and feeling sireny and soft and feminine, and he was out walking a dog (not his, it’s something he does) – the only thing I remember feeling was “sameness.” And ease and comfort and a natural feeling. It was easy, natural, and comfortable talking to him. I can’t even say I was particularly attracted to him. I was just going with the flow and not stopping the conversation or walking away or trying to be “alone.” I simply let him walk with me.

    It was over a week before he texted me, finally, and told me he had been sick (in fact, I’d gotten sick, too). And it was only a little over a week ago now that we had our first “date.” It was a coffee date that turned into a lunch date. I said it was like “two dates in one” ; ) .

    And then we had a weird, tense period, where I thought he wanted to see me again, but then he said he thought we shouldn’t because of the age difference. I was very disappointed. He said it was also because he doesn’t want to be a “boyfriend” or get married or have kids. Now, those would sound like dealbreakers, normally. But in this case, I didn’t care about that. I had such a good time on those dates/date, that I just wanted to get to know him more. And I couldn’t “convince” him to see me. But then I finally conceded that I would be a terrible girlfriend, since I am merely planning to leave this area in a year or less. At which point, he promptly decided he wanted to see me again. Lol.

    Now it’s been a week. Has it been only a week? I can hardly believe it. It seems much longer than that. He is in touch with me frequently (though not constantly). He texts the next morning after we’ve had a date. He always brings food or pays for the check. He suggests things or does things that are designed to please me. *melt* He’s just great. I am enjoying every moment with him, because I am not necessarily thinking of a future, except for the short term. It takes the pressure off – for us both, I think. And I can just like what I have, right now. I hope he can feel that. I hope that he can understand that I appreciate how wonderful he is.

    I told him. The last time we were together, I said he was so good for me. And that’s because, when I am tired or overwhelmed, he lets me have a break, or he’s patient and he lets the moment pass while I regroup. He really understands where I’m coming from, even if he doesn’t always know why. I really appreciate his age and wisdom, and curiosity. He seems more like me than many people my age.

    I don’t think I am falling in love. I wouldn’t go so far as to put the “L word” on it yet. It just feels like a deep and real connection, with more intimacy than I’ve had in the past, and like he is someone that I can trust. And it’s so nice for me to experience that right now.

    I feel excited about this. And happy. I feel really, really happy

    And sleepy. I think I’ll take a nap 🙂



  31.  #31Lisa on October 18, 2013 at 7:22 pm

    Wow I’ve missed so much!… Hard to keep up with you ladies…

    @ Mercedes that’s so cool that is really close to where I am… 🙂

    I just got off the phone with a new man… I met him on OK.. and I wasn’t sure about how much we had in common, but wow, lots in common…

    Actually I think so far in my life the most in common ever, and that is just what I’ve learned so far.. As far as chemistry, not feeling any, but I’m excited about that… I’ll see on Sunday.. I’m curious..

    This new man gets what I get.. we both have done ( just according to what he’s said) lots and lots of work on ourselves… I’m excited to meet a man that works on himself!!! Yay!!!

    @Vi pardon me if I’m jumping in on something b/c I haven’t read all the posts…

    but there always something that someone gets out of the posts here and being positive and happy is a wonderful thing to share and just allow it to sink and and soak it up….. yummy!

    I’ve had some amazing realizations this week… and that feels awesome!!!

    OXOXXO



  32.  #32Tereana on October 18, 2013 at 8:53 pm

    The truth is, I guess I’m only posting here because I do feel a little anxious and nervous. This new guy and I, we had a great time on Wednesday. He came over and brought food. Then he said he would text me the next day, and he did. I told him I felt amazing. He sent a smiley face. I haven’t heard from him since.

    And that doesn’t bother me. What bothers me is, we had talked about getting together this weekend. I have something else I need to ask him about as well. So I texted him earlier to see if there was a good time to talk by phone. When he didn’t respond right away, I wasn’t concerned. But later I tried calling, and left a message. I still haven’t heard back.

    I guess I’m just nervous and anxious because of what I wanted to ask him about for next week. There’s something I need help with. I bet I just feel anxious asking for help. It seems needy. I bet that he would want to help. But I still feel sort of…it’s hard for me to put words to it. I just feel icky. Less than. I’m nervous to the point where, if I don’t have his full attention, I can’t ask. I could have asked on Wednesday, too, and I didn’t. I chickened out. I don’t know why this is so scary. When I left the message, I didn’t say what it was. But I have this need to ask it, and the need feels…needy. Therefore I must be giving off a needy vibe.

    Ugghhhhh. I’ve been so good, so far. I even took a bath tonight, and now I’m watching my favorite show. Except, when we were talking on Weds, I felt that it got a little overly intellectual and brainy. We were having a duel of smarts, and it didn’t feel good : ( But then later we connected physically. So that was nice. And now…

    I just don’t feel like he’s the kind of guy to “poof.” He has not struck me as the disappearing type. And yet, I have no idea where he is now, or where he’s gone or if I can really rely on him. I hope I can. I hope this isn’t all an illusion. I hope that I am having these needy, anxious, nervous feelings for no reason, and in a couple of hours, or maybe tomorrow morning, I’ll get a call or a text back from him with an explanation, and some things that he wants to do.

    I’m trying to drive this too much. I’m trying to make things happen in my way, on my time, on my schedule. I just need to be open to him – to his time, to his way, to his schedule.

    I know I’ll hear from him.

    He really enjoys being with me. He is drawn to me. He wants to be with me whenever possible. He wants to please me in every way. All I have to do is let him…

    MMmmm…hugs to me. I’m OK.



  33.  #33Tereana on October 18, 2013 at 8:54 pm

    Lisa – Yay realizations! 🙂



  34.  #34Emerson on October 18, 2013 at 10:09 pm

    Aww rori,,,nothing like a cute doggie to brighten ones day!
    So cute!



  35.  #35Emerson on October 18, 2013 at 10:48 pm

    I went on a date tonight, just coffee and dessert…someone I met online …it was “ok” and he was nice but no attraction…for me.
    Might be a nice friend to have.
    Not sure.
    CutecityCD stays in touch every day. Sigh.
    I’m sort of feeling flat in some men’s company… and content in my own company.



  36.  #36Indigo on October 18, 2013 at 10:58 pm

    Tereana,

    Breathe! Relax 🙂 It’s such early days with this man, please don’t give way to nerves and anxiety (I speak from experience). Remember that when you are fearing the worst it is just that, your fears.

    Try and take your mind off him, go do something interesting and enjoyable, something for you. Just let it be.

    I know what you mean about brainy discussions with a man feeling icky :/ I can’t STAND getting into a debate with a man. Firstly, it all feels way up in my head. And secondly, whilst men seem to get a charge out of an intellectual debate, I end up feeling cornered and like I have to defend my opinions, even if that’s not how they meant it. I steer away from intellectual debates with pretty much everyone. I don’t like how they make me feel.



  37.  #37Indigo on October 18, 2013 at 10:59 pm

    Also Tereana, as far as asking him for help, I would just go ahead and ask… maybe script a little beforehand. It’s great practice.

    In my experience, most men LOVE helping women with practical problems.



  38.  #38Syreena on October 19, 2013 at 6:11 am

    Tereana, if he hasn’e made plans already with you about getting together it sounds like you are waiting aound and allowing yourself to be available to be last minuted. What are your boundaries about how much notice you need and want for a date? One week? Three days? two days? What would you like in the future?
    If you allow yourself to be last minuted that is what he and other people will think you are ok with and do to you.

    Unless you don’t mind waiting around and are ok with it.

    Maybe that is what your anxiety is about not knowing when and if he will next make definite plans to see you again?

    What do you think?



  39.  #39Femininewoman on October 19, 2013 at 6:24 am

    Tereana two things jumped at me from your comments.

    First – you both got sick. These things I now take as a sign of things to come.

    Second – when you conceded that you would not be a good girlfriend he wanted to see you again. Reminding me of human nature wanting what you can’t have. Then the male competitive nature of wanting to win and being in the moment. Like your comment triggered that competitive nature in him so he was ready for the chase. I wonder if just relaxing and using some of the visualization tools when keep the chase going on rather than sending energy towards him? I always feel so curious about these woo woo things these days.



  40.  #40Tereana on October 19, 2013 at 9:44 am

    Syreena, FW, and Indigo – Thank you so much for your comments! I feel supported and acknowledged. It feels good.

    And you are RIGHT, Indigo, it is super early with this guy. I don’t quite know his rhythms, and he doesn’t know all of mine.

    I CAN breathe and relax, and in fact, that’s what I’m doing (I think). Or at least, last night, I was just allowing myself to feel the uncertainty and be sort of okay with that. And trusting at the same time that my uncertainty did not have anything to do with what he was going to do in the future.

    I did send one last text before I went to bed. Some heart-centered message, rather than brainy. And then I turned my phone off and went to sleep. I haven’t looked at my phone since. I don’t plan to probably until this afternoon, because I have some things to do.

    Part of my anxiety (and I told this to him in my phone message) is that when I’m doing something on a Shabbat, or over the weekend, I like to know what I’m doing before Shabbat comes (i.e. Sundown on Friday). This helps me relax. But the truth is, I feel anxiety up until that point anyway, and I make lots of plans, and try to get everything done, and when sundown comes, I relax anyway. So after I went to sleep, I slept like a baby.

    Today feels like a new day. No anxiety. No worry about what’s going to happen next. Total trust that he’s still around and wants to be there for me. (Although I still don’t want to look at the phone.)

    FW – just to clarify about us getting sick; we each got sick totally separately and for different reasons. The first time we met, all we did was take a walk and talk about animals (he works at an animal shelter, and is also a massage therapist, like me.) The most contact we had was shaking hands. After that, I didn’t hear from him for a while, because he got sick right after (though I didn’t know it). When we went to dinner, he said he felt like he should have just called me and taken me out to dinner that night *beam*. I myself got sick a few days after we met, simply because I was exposed to my friends’ two small children. I was miserable and busy and sick for over a week, and not thinking about this guy at all. He texted me just as I was getting better and so was he. The timing of it was odd that it happened simultaneously. And I often do take sickness as a “sign” of something more. In this case, if I were to take is as a “sign” of anything, I’d say it seems to me as if our bodies were in sync, even when they were apart, and even before I knew that he wanted to date me.

    Believe me, he was at the bottom of my list. Around this time, I was also getting “good morning” messages from a man in Florida who said he wanted to come to see me in November. And I was thinking “Oh dear, that’s a long ways off. What if I meet someone here?” But this guy I’m talking about now was NOT the one I thought of. lol

    I think it’s funny that he turned around as soon as I said I don’t want to be a girlfriend. It’s true. I don’t. And I don’t want any man to get invested in me, truly, if I am going to leave the area. That just wouldn’t be fair to him. And what I sense is that, on his part, he saw continuing to see me as a commitment and that I would expect him to be my “boyfriend.” I told him the truth over dinner, I hate the words “boyfriend” (he’s not really a boy anyway) and “girlfriend” (I’m not really a girl, I’m a woman). I prefer “partner.” But I’m not looking for a long-term commitment right now. His response, to me, was less like “hunting” and more like “no pressure.” He is not trying to “snag” me. He is just very attracted to me and he wants to please me….But. For his own reasons, he has decided that he doesn’t want marriage and children. And that’s okay for me right now. It takes the pressure off me, too, even if I do know that I want those things in my life, generally.

    We’ll see. I’m off to do my thing this morning. We’ll see if I hear from him later. And if not, I already have plans for things I want to do and friends to meet up with. So no, I’m not exactly just “waiting around” for him. If he wants to be in on my plans, he can be 🙂

    I was super friendly in all my messages. I used a warm, gentle voice and I didn’t criticize anything that he was or wasn’t doing. And I have a “script” for what I want to say to ask for help. If he doesn’t get back to me by tomorrow, then I’ll just reach out and ask. But first, I just want to give him a chance to respond in his own time…Cheers, Ladies.

    I am going to enjoy this beautiful day. I hope you do, wherever you are! 🙂



  41.  #41Lisa on October 19, 2013 at 8:24 pm

    @Tereana Thanks!!!

    I have a question for all you Sirens….

    we all talk so much about men… and rightly so, but I have another opposite issue… I’ve dealt with it most all my life…

    Caddy women… and it seems the more I draw men in now, the more feminine I’m becoming the more it seems to tick other women off..

    Has any of you had this happen?

    I’m used to it to a degree.. but and maybe it’s because I’m becoming more vulnerable and open…. I don’t know..

    I mean I’m to the point in my life where I’ve worked on me so much that it doesn’t hurt my feelings b/c I realize that is has to do with their own insecurities and nothing to do with me… it’s all projection… but it’s hard to develop friendships when it seems my sireny stuff is making women repelled…

    I’m working on just BE ing and just letting them do their stuff and still stand on my bridge… just like I would a man that being dramatic…

    any others have this experience?

    OXOXOX



  42.  #42mary on October 19, 2013 at 8:41 pm

    hi Rori!

    oh my goodness! you guys look so cute on the floor there with your new pup! wow… thanks for sharing that picture with us!

    ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…

    i broke up with my man of three years. but he never accepts it when I break up with him. we always get back together. but this time i moved thousands of miles away… back to my roots, back to my family. i needed to regroup anyway.

    he still calls as if we never broke up. that’s always his strategy. he acts as though the breakup didn’t happen. it’s a bit crazy-making. and i always just go right back to him.

    the problem is that i love him. i really, really do. and we fit together in so many ways.

    except for the deal-breakers.

    soooooooooo… i’m unsure about what to do. he texts me… calls me… emails me… sends me things in the mail.

    i’m not one of those people who can just ignore him. i know, because i’ve tried! it wasn’t the right thing for me. sooooooooo i moved far away.

    so far i’m just enjoying him. i enjoy him so much! i love him, and it’s obvious when we talk.

    i was frank with him. i told him that it felt crazy because we were so far away and it wasn’t very probable that we’d ever get back together, and if i talked with him, it felt like i was leading him on, but i loved talking with him… yes, i told him all that.

    i’m supposing that the physical distance will propel him towards someone else one of these days… and that will be the beginning of the end.

    but could we be friends?

    i really don’t know how to handle it. it’s difficult for me to think about getting on with my own life. moving on kind of means putting out the vibe again… and my vibe is for him. we were exclusive for so long.

    so… shall i just date the world? just get out there and be friendly and flirty with everyone?

    yes.

    that’s what i should do, eh?

    this is so very painful.

    !! !

    ~ mary



  43.  #43mary on October 19, 2013 at 8:45 pm

    any ideas, anyone?

    how can i love him in this situation? i know we’re not right for each other. i wish we were, but we’re not.

    is making a deep cut, ignoring him, giving him the silent treatment, the cold shoulder… do i really have to do that?

    what was that third way again?



  44.  #44Emerson on October 19, 2013 at 8:48 pm

    Tereana it’s really difficult for me to ask for help as well.
    CutecityCD volunteered to help me with something but has not followed through.
    I’m not worrying about it.
    But anyway it would feel nice to have a script about asking for help…I have one from a long time ago somewhere I will try to find it



  45.  #45Emerson on October 19, 2013 at 8:54 pm

    I keep telling myself I will stop replying to cutecityCD texts because I don’t want to text I want on person contact bit I keep forgetting lol



  46.  #46Tereana on October 19, 2013 at 9:15 pm

    Hi Emerson – yeah, a script for asking for help would probably feel good. Mine would go probably go something like: “I’m really bad at this, but I need to ask you something…”



  47.  #47Tereana on October 19, 2013 at 9:30 pm

    Anyway, it’s too late. He’s freaked out 🙁

    It’s always a risk, trying to be with a commitmentphobe. I know because I am one! And that’s likely why I attract these guys who don’t want to commit. And somewhere in the back of my mind, I probably do entertain the idea that being with me, on a non-committed basis, might have them change their mind. Hey, it’s not likely. But I love a good challenge. And plus I get to have fun in the experience.

    Except for this part. This part is never fun. Meaning the part where I realize that all my wonderful “tools” have broken down, and I’ve relaxed and slipped right back into “masculine mode” without realizing it. And now I’ve pushed away another perfectly good man, who I thought was just *perfect* for me – at least for right now. If not longer.

    Ugghhh. I give up. I surrender. I do not have control over this. I can’t make him change his mind. Even though what he’s offering is also what I want. Maybe not long term. But I think it’s what I can accept.

    You see, I’m just not sure that I am cut out for marriage. If I was, I would already be married by now. The truth is, I’m scared to death, and I don’t want to become like my parents.

    I just… I was having fun. I was enjoying myself. Why so soon???

    I guess I just have to trust it. We’re not right for each other. It was just a thing. I just wish it had gone on longer…

    I am going to go home and take care of myself. I have an appointment for me set up for tomorrow. I hope I can learn from this experience. My heart feels open and raw. As much as I know it wasn’t “real,” at the same time, it was. Very real. Not having commitment with him meant I had so much deeper intimacy than I’ve had with others. Now I’ve probably ruined what little there was left by pushing forward. But it’s up to him. Really. He makes all his decisions. If he is afraid, then…that’s on him. There is nothing to be afraid of here. I am simply warm and inviting and ready to be pleased…when he decides he wants to. But I can’t force him….

    *sigh*



  48.  #48Tereana on October 19, 2013 at 9:58 pm

    Actually, here’s the thing (fw, you mentioned this) – one thing I’ve noticed is that he DIDN’T make me sick. This is unusual. Most men do, in one way or another. But he hasn’t.

    Although he did get sick the other night. He had to leave because he was having an allergic reaction to the cat. Poor guy. Maybe that’s why he decided he can’t . Ah, that’s all speculation.

    A random guy just chatted me up at the bus stop. I wasn’t interested, but I talked to him anyway. I also went out tonight, and spent some time talking to a guy friend. Then I was feeling too tired and distracted. So I left. The point is, there are other guys. There have always been other guys. I was surprised to discover that I actually liked *this* guy. And maybe if I didn’t feel that way, he would have kept coming toward me. Creating the vacuum. Men do like to move into that. They can’t if you move forward. Moving forward gives me comfort. I feel better if I know what’s coming next. But I can’t truly know what is coming next.

    I guess the truth is, even if I felt mostly good while spending time with this guy, I didn’t feel totally good. I felt like a know-it-all, and then I realized I was mirroring – he was actually being one himself. I say I’m a control freak (true). And I watched him make subtle control moves also. And it didn’t bother me. Except for this. He might be making this move in order to get some control back. Maybe he thought he was losing control with me, as I’m starting to like me more than he wanted to. Hm.

    I haven’t tried to “analyze” him or pick apart his psyche yet. But now it’s helping me to see what might be happening. Even of it isn’t true, it feels like it could be.

    I don’t like this. I don’t like this at all. It feels bad, it feels “separated.” I don’t like this feeling. I like it better when he’s coming toward me. I like it better when he’s attracted. I like it when he wants me. And then I feel comforted, even if I don’t know what’s next.

    I might have destroyed this through fear (again). My heart hurts and she is sad. The truth is, I cared more than I wanted to also…. 🙁



  49.  #49Tereana on October 19, 2013 at 9:59 pm

    Sorry for all my long posts. Venting is helpful for me right now. He did get back to me this morning. Just not with what I wanted to hear. And he knows it : ((((((



  50.  #50Vi on October 19, 2013 at 10:16 pm

    Tereana I would say something like ‘I feel a bit awkward or bit shy talking about it, and I would love a little help with…’



  51.  #51Emerson on October 19, 2013 at 10:50 pm

    I’m grappling with some guilt



  52.  #52Indigo on October 19, 2013 at 11:18 pm

    (((Tereana)))

    I hope you don’t beat yourself up. It is never a good idea to try and analyse and figure out a guy’s motives, or why they did what they did… it probably wouldn’t be the truth, and they probably couldn’t tell you exactly why anyway. Especially don’t come up with reasons that put you down or make you feel badly about yourself. I hope you don’t mind me saying, but there is some low self-esteem that comes across in your posts, and I wish for you that you will get a real revelation of how wonderful you are!



  53.  #53Indigo on October 19, 2013 at 11:25 pm

    Lisa,

    Yes. I have dealt with this most of my life. I think many if not most women deal with it to some extent. I don’t lament the loss of those friendships though. It is good for me to know that the women who stick around are those who genuinely care about me and wish me well, and are not controlled by insecurity.

    As to how I deal with insecure women when they cross my path… kindness. Everyone is grappling with their own issues and I always think how hard and painful it must be to feel tortured by insecurity. They are not my enemy. They are their own enemy. I am as kind to them as I can be and I let any digs run off me and then I move away.

    Kindness and not being offended (because you know it’s not about you) is really disarming… I recall one particular woman who was acting clearly a bit jealous and made a catty comment to me, and then said “no offence”. And I laughed and said “Oh, I’m not offended at all!” Totally took the wind out of her sails.



  54.  #54Tereana on October 20, 2013 at 12:07 am

    Why is my heart pounding? I just lay down in bed and my heart is thumping. I don’t know why.

    I am feeling less anxious now. I realized that there was some key piece of information that I hadn’t shared with him that was affecting me. I knew it, and yet I didn’t want to let him in on it, for fear of how it would affect him. I can’t say what it is, or rather I don’t want to just now. But…now that I’ve shared it with him, I feel better. I feel that I can really just release to what’s next without expectation. Because holding it back was actually what was making me feel needy. I needed to talk around this thing, and I felt anxious about it, which meant I “needed” more attention. I suppose he could pick up on this vibe, and it was pushing him away.

    Now that he knows…I feel better because I am not carrying this alone. He can make up his own mind about what it means to him. He can be angry. He can dislike it. But he can’t alter what is. Kind of like me, and him. I can be angry. I can dislike what he chooses. But I can’t alter what is. I can make my own choices.

    And ultimately, I feel more powerful. I mean, I feel powerful as a woman. Not like I have power over him. Just that I have power and knowledge that belongs only to me. And if this was a game, then I guess I just played my Ace card. If it’s a game, but not the kind of game you can win.

    I’ll let you know what’s going on later. But for now, I can’t… And I’m going to sleep.

    Good night, sirens.



  55.  #55Tereana on October 20, 2013 at 12:15 am

    Hi Indigo –

    Thank you for that! I just read your post in #52. And it’s making me feel a little misty. Funny thing is, I didn’t even realize how much low self esteem was coming across in my posts. We rarely do, do we? Here I am, thinking that I’m showing the exact opposite. And it’s not true. But that doesn’t mean I feel bad. Thank you for noticing. I guess it means that I can stop lying to myself that I have better self esteem than I actually do. I wish I felt better about me, too. I’ve tried everything I can think of, and nothing seems to make a difference. But you know, it’s not all bad. Part of me must like me exactly the way I am, otherwise I wouldn’t be this way, low self-esteem and all. But I do feel frustrated. I’ve been working on a “fake it till I make it” basis for so long – at least half my life, and I’m still faking it. I haven’t made it to true confidence. Even though I know, very deeply that that’s what it’s all about. Thanks for your good wishes. I wish I knew what that revelation would look like.

    I know that people think so well of me. I just wish that I could feel as if I lived up to all the good things they see…

    xoxo



  56.  #56Indigo on October 20, 2013 at 12:51 am

    Tereana,

    “Part of me must like me exactly the way I am”

    That’s how it starts. And it builds.

    And it doesn’t have to feel a particular way, and it doesn’t have to be a lightning bolt out of the sky. Your wonderfulness is the truth. You just have to claim it and believe it.



  57.  #57Lemonbutter on October 20, 2013 at 3:29 am

    It would feel good to be on friendly terms.

    I feel that if would ease some of my anxiety.

    Some of my anxiety seems to be connected to feeling shut out.

    He’s truly stubborn.

    I feel let down by a man who can’t fight through his pride to get back to me, otherwise it would be me always having to reach out to him.

    I feel a deep desire for love and a connection with a man who has the heart to share that with me.

    I feel able to walk away from D forever, even though it fills me with sadness, if that’s what it takes for me to feel truly loved and cherished.

    I want to feel loved and cherished by D, but I guess there is an ocean of hurt and past issues between us, some those issues probably nothing to do with me at all.

    I feel frustration…yet I feel hope. The next man I let into my heart, will be warm, masculine, loving.



  58.  #58Tereana on October 20, 2013 at 5:30 am

    ((((Lemonbutter))))



  59.  #59Tereana on October 20, 2013 at 5:48 am

    What am I doing wrong? In love. In life. Every so often, I get good things coming my way, and I think, “ok, now I’ve done something right. This must mean I’ve done something good.” Then it goes away, and I’m right back to, “what did I do wrong?”

    Of course, there is another way to look at it. Maybe I didn’t “do” anything to cause those good things to arrive. Maybe I didn’t “do” anything to make them leave. Maybe they just showed up. Maybe they just left. All on their own. And there is nothing I could do to make it different.

    I honestly don’t know if that thought is empowering or disempowering.

    Here I am, it’s 5:30 a.m. I woke up an hour ago and I can’t sleep. I was seriously considering dropping by the shelter where the guy works. Why? To, I don’t know, you know, talk. But then I’m like, no, dude. No guy wants a woman to drop by his office unannounced. That’s like his sanctuary. It’s his safe place. If I intrude, he is not likely to appreciate it. That would be like, pre-grounds for a restraining order. And I don’t want that. I just want…to talk. I want his attention. I want him to want me again. I want it to be simple. And I don’t want to have to work hard for it.

    Because I hadn’t been working for it. The truth is, I did nothing special to “make” him want me. I met him, I was open, I was engaging. I let him talk to me and appreciate me. I wasn’t overly intimidated or overly impressed. I was just there, enjoying myself.

    This guy is super commitment-phobe, though. He’s giving me a run for my money, in that department. He actually called off our first date, because he was still sick. I didn’t think we would go out at all, but then he asked me for coffee. And the rest is history.

    Only now…it’s like he sees every time that he spends with me as a further commitment. And I think that’s just a guy way of seeing things (a la Dave Barry). I see: Just another fun time together. He sees: Ohmygodshewantsmetomarryherimnotreadyforthiswhatdoido, run!!!!

    And there’s NOTHING I can do about that.

    🙁



  60.  #60Tereana on October 20, 2013 at 6:24 am

    To help myself cope, and since I’m not sleeping, I’m reading EMK. Especially since I think I need a guy’s perspective about this. And I just re-read the passage that made so much sense to me the first time, but then it’s like I totally forgot it in the moment:

    “when men don’t feel good around you, that’s when they disappear.”

    Ughh. And I know that this could very well be what is going on. He felt good around me. And that’s why he wanted to be near me. And now he doesn’t, for whatever reason. Probably because of little things.

    Or…there might be something else. I just saw myself getting a little bit control-freakish. I wanted things to be a certain way. I was maybe infringing on his perceived sense of freedom. While actually, it was those little things he did on his own, that I had nothing to do with, which made me just so happy that he was around. He may be the first man that I’ve truly enjoyed having around me. *I* felt wonderful. It was like this brief, happy week, and now….

    Well, I feel sad. But on the other hand, maybe I could feel lucky that he even went out with me at all, spent any time with me at all. He confessed when we were at dinner that he hasn’t dated a woman in over a year.

    You know, and I get the sense that he doesn’t really know what he wants. And that may be true for me, too. But it’s just that he managed to simultaneously offer me something I was interested in, and at the same time suggest that he was withholding something that I wanted. I kind of feel like, “How the h&*( do you know what I want? Did you ask?”

    Which leads me to believe that, in fact, his desires aren’t so straightforward. As much as he swears up and down that he doesn’t want commitment and long-term relationship, I believe that part of him does. Like myself, the degree to which I am afraid of commitment is related to the level of desire I have for it. And for me, what that means is that I am willing to take less commitment in the short term, so that I can get used to it in small doses, and then I’ll be ready when big commitment comes, later down the line. He would not be afraid of commitment if he didn’t also, on some level, desire either the commitment or what comes with it. Or maybe it is just hard for me to imagine a person that truly, never, wants to have a family and someone to live with to old age. Loneliness doesn’t get better with age. And how is it helpful to simply have flings with people as you go? I don’t know. I don’t understand. And I’m not trying to make all this up. It’s that his message was confusing to me.

    He said that we couldn’t “date,” but that he could be my lover. I was like, “Hey, I thought we already agreed to that?” Maybe we got confused about the expectations. Then he said he would call this evening. He never called.

    So I can only surmise that he managed to interpret, somewhere along the way, that I wanted “more” than what he was offering (I didn’t. And I was clear that I was *quite* happy with everything that was happening, just as it was. And I was.) So if he thinks that I wanted “more” and he was somehow disappointing me, that must be coming from him. I don’t know where that was coming from. The only thing I am disappointed in is losing my lover. Because a lover is *exactly* what I wanted for myself right now. It could not have been more perfect.

    But maybe he thought that he *should* be offering more. Maybe….hm. Maybe I didn’t make him feel bad. Maybe, it’s possible, that he felt really good around me. Maybe he felt SO good, that he started to *want* to offer me more. Then he said to himself, “I can’t do that. I can’t offer her more. Therefore I can’t see her at all.” And I’m sad.

    Le sigh.

    I would be so happy if he would just come back to my bed. Stop thinking and worrying about the future and what I want, and whether or not he’s giving it to me. And just darn well give me what he want, because he already knows exactly how and what to do.

    Or…there’s another guy out there.

    But right now my heart needs a little bit of healing space. As short as it was, as “non-serious” as it was, I received so much good from him, that I need time to clear the space if I am going to receive good from another. Or maybe that was it. Maybe that was all the good I needed to receive. Maybe my cup is full and I have enough. I can be satisfied.



  61.  #61Lisa on October 20, 2013 at 6:48 am

    @Indigo

    pardon my spelling it was late… I was brain dead…

    Yes, Catty…. I’ve dealt with it most all my life… I’ve never fit in with women b/c of it… I just don’t do it, or play into it… and then that sets me aside… that’s ok, I’ve never wanted to be apart of it… I’d rather be on my own…

    Yes, I do know it is about their insecurities and jealousy…. it isn’t about me…

    I do treat them with kindness… and just be myself…

    I do tend to want to walk away though… and last night I sat it out… I noticed that felt good.

    If all women were Sireny than there would be so much less need for that type of behavior.. IMO

    Thanks! <3

    OXOXOX



  62.  #62Lisa on October 20, 2013 at 7:42 am

    @Tereana

    I had that happen with me

    and it just would confuse me as to how and why he was perceiving it … and it was just projection that is all it could have been. It didn’t dawn on me to spend more than 4 days a week with him… or hurry and marry him… I think sometimes insecure men will project it on to you as if your wanting it when it is them that is wanting it…???

    I don’t know… I’m not an expert. I’m curious though…

    OXOXO



  63.  #63Lemonbutter on October 20, 2013 at 8:43 am

    Tereana *hugs*

    I feel like yanking this man from your head.

    I feel like saying: “Who gives a f*** about him? Are you his mom? His therapist? Let him take care of himself, and don’t worry about his stuff or how he perceives things.”

    I feel such affection for you, and wonder if you are taking care of you, loving you, striving for your own wants and needs.

    I could be very wrong however. If so I apologise, I feel a lack of concern for him though.

    Sometimes I like to read EMK, but some of the comments people post can trigger me at times 😀



  64.  #64Indigo on October 20, 2013 at 8:50 am

    Lemon butter,

    I love your comment to Tereana.

    I have learnt how important it is to get to the point where we can get the focus back on ourselves, whatever that takes. Now that I am much more there, I feel sad about all the energy I spent fretting over men, and what they were thinking and feeling and their reasons. It is a learning journey however. I feel sad about all the time I spent thinking that I had done something wrong, and I know now I did nothing wrong!

    I wish I could yank those negative thoughts from Tereana’s and all women’s heads.

    *hugs*

    PS. I also find that if you’re a sensitive soul, you would do well to approach EMK’s writing with caution, and especially the comments section of his blog. I’m not an overwhelming fan.



  65.  #65Hana on October 20, 2013 at 9:21 am

    Ladies, what is EMK?

    And am I the only one that is tired of working at making sure the man is happy to be in my presence? I feel like it is so good to be yourself with respect to other peoples feelings. And I am very good, at least I hope at bringing out the best in people because I love them so much and love learning about them. But it is a bad sign for me when I have to even consider worrying about whether a man is gone because he didn’t feel good in my presence. So be it! The men in my life come and go, some stay longer some stay shorter time…some come back. But it is my job to mainly care about me first and how I am feeling in my own presence :))

    Xxxx



  66.  #66Lemonbutter on October 20, 2013 at 10:44 am

    Indigo, thank you.

    I felt like I might have come across a bit harsh, so I’m glad you liked my comment. I am guilty of doing the same thing, worrying, fretting, trying to work out what I did wrong, what he’s feeling, what I could have done etc etc, and it does seem fruitless.

    I feel so much happier when I just focus on me, and let men worry about themselves. It’s not easy when you care about them, but I feel that as women we don’t owe them more than we get from them.

    I agree with you on EMK too Indigo.

    Hana, EMK is Evan Marc Katz, a male dating coach who also has his own blog. His style is quite different to Rori’s.



  67.  #67angela on October 20, 2013 at 12:08 pm

    Lemonbutter 63. I too love your comment, and I dont see it as harsh at all. If anything it is loving and honest. I feel that you know our pain too well and thats why its hard to see other women going through this.

    Ok i had this sorta revelation about this man i am so hung up on.
    All this time i have been thinking there is something wrong with me thats why he hasn’t loved me.
    Around him this belief kinda got bigger.
    And now that im going through this its a kinda wake up call and im really starting to believe nothing is wrong with me. Oh yeah!
    Like DOminque says we are perfect as we are in this moment but that doesnt mean we cant improve certain aspects of ourselves(I think that is how it goes)
    I love t hat feeling that there is nothing wrong with me that realization.

    Yeah it feels so bad to not have him, be the one.
    Its hard to accept he doesn’t like me.
    That feels like another challenge altogether.
    I feel like being a baby and screaming for what i want to have the man i want be with me.
    I almost want to force him to love me be with me.

    I hate this but ok this is where i am at.



  68.  #68Daria on October 20, 2013 at 12:32 pm

    ((((((mary)))))))



  69.  #69Dominique on October 20, 2013 at 12:45 pm

    Lisa – 41 – Maybe it’s time for some new friends. This experience you’re having is not uncommon, as you do this kind of work.
    xxoo



  70.  #70Dominique on October 20, 2013 at 12:47 pm

    Mary!!! – 42 – So great seeing you. It’s been awhile. I’m still planning on heading your way some day. It feels good knowing you are now back there.

    As for the man, you already know what to do. 🙂

    xxoo



  71.  #71Lemonbutter on October 20, 2013 at 12:48 pm

    Angela, thank you 🙂

    I’ve just been reading a couple of EMK articles (I surprised myself hehe) and something has clicked in my brain.

    D…..walked away from me, went silent on me, stopped communicating with me, didn’t want a relationship with me. It’s hard to face and accept, but accepting it is also freeing.

    There’s no point trying to analyse and breakdown the behaviour of men who play games, because its simply a complete waste of energy and time, and just prolongs the hurt.

    I would love for D to come back, to want a relationship with me, to want to connect with me. But as EMK advises: “If you start listening to their silences, you can finally hear the whole truth.”

    Angela, I agree, you are perfect where you are. A few months ago I made so many awful mistakes, I feel like cringing when I think about the things I said and did, and it’s no wonder D no longer wanted me at all. But I’ve learnt a lot more about myself since then, and have grown, and accept I was where I needed to be at that time, in order to get to where I am now.

    It’s a bittersweet feeling, but my pain is leading me to a stronger, more open place. I can’t wait to meet a guy who willingly opens his heart to me, and connects with me on every level: physically, emotionally, spiritually, mentally.

    That would feel wonderful, and much better than agnoising and hurting my brain over why a man did this or that.

    His silence speaks volumes. His lack of commitment speaks volumes. That’s all I need to know.



  72.  #72Olivia on October 20, 2013 at 12:56 pm

    http://www.theawl.com/2013/10/ask-polly-these-tortured-intellectual-boys-are-torturing-me

    Hilarious advice-column response to a woman who is plagued by being “bored” by the men she is going on dates with – def jives with Rori’s wisdom!

    Enjoy!



  73.  #73Emerson on October 20, 2013 at 3:23 pm

    I feel uninterested in most of the men who are contacting me online



  74.  #74Daria on October 20, 2013 at 3:55 pm

    Emerson – yay that’s great! now you can go out wiht a man you’re not interested in and really practice the tools! that will so grow your power



  75.  #75Luzydel on October 20, 2013 at 3:57 pm

    CaptainCD spent saturday and sunday with me… he took me to dinner then breakfast this morning and we had a good time. I am no longer involved with SD and have not seen him in over a month though he does text to say hi sometimes, but I was clear to him about how I felt. I just didn’t feel good Cding him. I am doing fun stuff and Cding myself, going to social dance events and enjoying myself. I am at a stage of Whatever happens, happens. Just enjoying what I have now for what it is.



  76.  #76Daria on October 20, 2013 at 4:12 pm

    i have found my love of life again and my safety and i feel happy 🙂



  77.  #77Daria on October 20, 2013 at 4:23 pm

    one of these guys i feel really good chatinng with, another one feels amusing and weird, another one i feel scared i will feel judged by him when he finds out some of my beliefs,

    and i found my old bestfriend who i kinda also have had a thing with and i told him get off my site lol

    he said he called me he said hella *biches* been hitting him up on there.. .smh

    i feel happy happy i love men in my way



  78.  #78Daria on October 20, 2013 at 4:28 pm

    i asked to heal myslf from beind depressed and committed to i and now it’s happeneing

    i fel dawnting now i was on a down hype an all the strong intensities and here i am feeling happy again 🙂

    i feel glad i chose to live i feel glad i have my power i want to remember i ALways have it even in the fear

    it was in LOVE sending love to those i though want to harm me and the thoughts on it is giving me peace

    more love to the feekings that scare me the pinches and tingles and feeling full and congested and pinch and ouch an d i love me!

    feeling happy now!

    big love to this sinking feeling!



  79.  #79Daria on October 20, 2013 at 4:29 pm

    an im feeling excited i found one of those ‘learn a language fast’ programs so i can get some practice in before i get to Brazil and won’t feel so scared…



  80.  #80Daria on October 20, 2013 at 4:43 pm

    i feel so in love with myself… and how men bring out the happy feminine in me!

    and i feel worried about when im not atround them, not feeling so good!

    or maybe when i ‘settle in’ in a relationship, ill start feeling not as inspired…

    i dont want that!

    im hearling myself!

    i lvoe myself



  81.  #81Lisa on October 20, 2013 at 5:39 pm

    @Luzydel Yay!

    @ Emerson I just went thought that spell… it seems to maybe coming out of it…

    So I met “T” tonight in person… very interesting greeting… which included him not standing up to greet me, no hand shake or ( I usually hug)… but good conversation, wasn’t one sided… he seems to be a decent listener.. and actually contemplated on what I was saying… he ask me questions and gave me space…

    Offered me his coat twice.. ( nice)

    Said he hadn’t met a women yet, that wasn’t afraid of intimacy… ( Rori popped into my head as he said that-I heard her voice ) and I said, I haven’t met a man yet that could handle my level of intimacy… so we laughed…

    But I’m remembering what my dating coach said about watching for the blah feeling… Well I;ve had it before where there was no attraction of me to him, but I could feel his attraction to me, and him trying to impress me… which has it’s own zing to it but this time it was just blah… but peaceful and content… so NO bells and whistles but honest communication… that makes me happy!

    So, Siren’s.. this one actually so far is like shopping for my car… So far it seems mechanically good… we’ll see from this moment on….

    I’m happy to say he is active and progressive in his own personal growth… Yahooo! and physically fit and doesn’t mind exercise or hiking and says he is very energetic…

    This will be at the minimum a ice breaker from the men I have attracted in the past… and yet it seems like… there is potential here…

    At any rate… I’m proud of me… breaking comfort zones, habits, or patterns… Yipee!

    OXOXOX



  82.  #82Lisa on October 20, 2013 at 5:58 pm

    OMG! Ok I’m keeping my dating options going… I have a few interested…

    Question: How do I respond to a PROFILE that has this? When ( and keeping in mind Rori wants us to cd everyone that doesn’t repulse us)

    “You must keep yourself in good shape, (not over weight), good health, attractive, easy going, intelligent., sensual, and live in the area”

    Ok I do all those things and I am attractive, but serioiusly.. how egotistical…

    His e-mail was cute and original….

    I’m going to keep in mind to Cd’ing… as many men as I can… but HELP…… how do I respond to him ?

    OXOXO



  83.  #83Daria on October 20, 2013 at 6:16 pm

    Lisa – I would just give him the benefit of the doubt (he’s just being a little direct) and respond with a feeling message to what he wrote…

    or else if i didn’t feel good enough with that not respond

    another thing if you are considering dropping him might be

    “oh i feel so good reading your message… and actually i feel a bit put off about the “you must have such and such attributes” line in your profile… i don’t feel good with a guy who judges… what do you think?”

    though that is certainly an in-your face approach to honesty… he might be able to rescue himself by reassuring you he’s not egotistical



  84.  #84Daria on October 20, 2013 at 6:18 pm

    tonights online dating experiences felt very satisfying 🙂



  85.  #85Daria on October 20, 2013 at 6:19 pm

    thank you Boy Daria for deciding to take me to bed… im feeling tired….



  86.  #86Indigo on October 20, 2013 at 9:47 pm

    When D and I broke up, he blocked me from everything at first, all forms of communication. For some reason that is what hurt most. He has since unblocked me from all of it, and then blocked me from one or two things as communicating with me got too much to handle, and then unblocked me, and blocked me etc. And I always felt a sense of relief when he unblocked me. But I realize, it doesn’t matter.

    That part used to be what hurt me most, but it actually doesn’t matter. It is not that important. We shouldn’t be communicating anyway.

    If we are going to be friends, it will happen in its own time and likely, I’m sorry to say, years from now. There is a part of my mind and my soul which can see so clearly how important it is to let go, and which finds it peaceful and even a bit easy, and there is another part of my heart which feels so connected, and that is the part that makes it hard. I’ll get there. I have to.



  87.  #87Indigo on October 20, 2013 at 9:50 pm

    I care extremely deeply about everything and everyone that I care about. I have been known to long for years for people and places that are no longer in my life. I connect so deeply, and connect with a very deep part of myself. It causes all these feelings connected with letting go that are so hard to handle, and so difficult to explain.



  88.  #88Veronica on October 20, 2013 at 10:40 pm

    I still feel uneasy about accepting attention from men. I keep having this nagging doubt that somehow I’m making some kind of promise to them in accepting their attention and that I better deliver. But there’s no pressure from them – no-one’s asking for a relationship yet. I keep thinking that I’m being duplicitous – receiving the attention of a more than one man; and then I have to consciously remind myself that I haven’t promised anyone anything, no-one asked me to be in a relationship with them. And this doubt gets in the way of me just relaxing, enjoying, receiving, noticing.

    CultureCD is so quietly giving, I really like that, but I’m nervous about sharing how much I enjoy when he gives. I told him that I liked the tomatoes that he added to our salad, he told me he had more and offered, I told him that I’d like that and he promptly got a bowl of them for me, which I nearly finished.

    Fireguy is so overt that I feel overwhelmed and that doubt/pressure gets triggered. I also noticed that he had a smokers cough – so I’m not sure I want to be involved with him – I can’t be around someone who doesn’t take care of his health, I can’t do it.

    BM has also kept in touch – I’m slowly starting to give up on trying to understand where we are. Just enjoy enjoy enjoy. I did feel poetic-like in my response to him which I feel happy about.

    I noticed that I don’t feel very sireny when I’m tired – it still feels like work so I’m thinking that more practice is in order so that it’s a more free-flowing thing. Being open like this is quite scary and at times feels grating because it’s not what I’d usually do, which is disappear.



  89.  #89Veronica on October 20, 2013 at 10:44 pm

    Daria – thank you so much for your sweet sireny hugs from the last thread, it felt like warmth and comfort around and in my chest.



  90.  #90blue rose on October 20, 2013 at 11:49 pm

    🙁 the guy I thought was so amazing is disappointing me. I think I have expectations now from him, and when he doesn’t meet them, I am becoming upset.

    Struggling with this.

    I expected him to call when he got into town. got a text message instead. it reduced me to tears. what the hell…



  91.  #91Lemonbutter on October 21, 2013 at 12:51 am

    Indigo #86

    Just reading that made my stomach feel clenchy and anxious. It feels sad that anyone at all, should feel they need to block a person out. I know sometimes it seems necessary (for dangerous/obsessive people).

    Although, it feels like D blocking you was more to do with his own fears. Perhaps some men are just too intimidated by women, that they can’t handle facing things.



  92.  #92Zara on October 21, 2013 at 3:35 am

    If He Unfriends You On Facebook – Drop Him!
    Written by Rori Raye
    October 24th 2011

    If He Unfriends You On Facebook – Drop Him!

    Here’s a letter that actually made me feel hopping mad!

    =>“Hi Rori,

    I am feeling all stuck and screwed up again over this man – I’ll call him “J”.

    He came back again since last time. We had another batch of seeing each other. This time I didn’t sleep with him and I stayed leaned back. Last week he mailed me and asked to see me. I said ‘It would feel GREAT to see you and I don’t feel good accepting dates without a time and confirmed plan.’

    There was no response.

    This week he has ‘unfriended’ me on Facebook.

    I think it is because at my birthday party (a few weeks ago) I let another man dance with me (and he also kissed me briefly when we were alone). Then “J” kinda stepped in and ‘claimed’ me. Bear in mind before the party I had not seen J for about a month and he was not stepping up at my party either. Of course I don’t KNOW this is the reason… it is likely though.

    I feel so confused.

    I mean I had come to terms with that he may not step up but this (being unfriended) really cuts!

    So what do I do here? Do I message him and ask him ‘Hey you have unfriended me, how come?’ or do I just stay leaned back and not do anything?

    I also feel guilty about kissing his friend.

    Thanks as Ever Rori.

    Ruthie”

    ___________________________________
    =>My Answer:

    “Ruthie – I so rarely give such firm advice – DROP THIS MAN LIKE A COLD POTATO!!!! NOW.

    Whyever you feel the need to have anything to do with him – it’s about YOU punishing YOU.

    Get away from him and start online dating like mad…give it a bigger push than you have been.

    Do NOT ask him anything!!!

    Unfriending you is about the stupidest, most immature, unmanly thing a guy can do. Drop him!!!

    Sincerely, Rori Raye”

    More…

    I don’t know why J was at Ruthie’s party, and I know that I’ve kissed more than one man at a party and thought – looking back especially – that it was pretty cool, but this facebook thing is way over the top for me.

    It’s like high school.

    The whole thing about relationships is this:
    Intimacy is not natural, not now, not with the way our experiences and society has made us think.

    So – every step we take toward intimacy is going to feel wrong.

    Unsafe and wrong. UNTIL…we DO it! And it FEELS GOOD!!!

    It’s our job to overturn those ideas about what’s right and wrong and learn to TALK to a man. To SHARE ourselves with every man around in the most authentic, lovely way possible.

    If you can’t talk, you can’t be intimate.

    A man who uses facebook to shut you out is a man who can’t talk. It’s like the bad father who slams the door on you.

    Get rid of any man who shuts you out. Period.

    Love, Rori



  93.  #93Lemonbutter on October 21, 2013 at 4:44 am

    “Get rid of any man who shuts you out. Period.”

    It’s a hard lesson, but I am definitely learning it.



  94.  #94Femininewoman on October 21, 2013 at 6:18 am

    Hana – EMK: Evan Marc Katz.



  95.  #95Mercedes on October 21, 2013 at 6:45 am

    Indigo: Thank you!! I had a great time! I’m exhausted today but I had a great time! 🙂

    Lisa: I wish we could have met while I was there! I actually wish I could put together like a RR Retreat or something. If I had the money I would do it and send each and every one of you a plane ticket and set you up in a nice hotel, feed you, etc. Someday…when the money is flowing…everyone can come see me. 🙂 (well…those who want to anyway. lol)

    Angela: I’m so happy that is working for you!! It does a pretty good job for me too. Sometimes I backslide and have those moments of insecurity or whatever but for the most part, I’ve learned to view myself in such a different light than I used to. I have a lot more confidence and I know it has everything to do with faking it until I actually started believing it. Positive affirmations really do work wonders. 🙂

    Hope everyone had a fantastic weekend! I need to get some work done but then I’ll be back to catch up on the posts. In the meantime…sending love and light your direction!

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  96.  #96Mercedes on October 21, 2013 at 6:55 am

    Mary! My goodness it is so good to see you here!!

    In my opinion, there’s no need to ignore him or give him the cold shoulder. I actually love what you said…Right now, I’m just enjoying him… 🙂 So just enjoy him. How beautiful is that? And allow him to enjoy you (as much as he can with you being so far away). And yes…smile at the world!! Your vibe doesn’t need to be for anyone else right now at all. But a genuine smile to the world, from a woman, can change lives. I would say just continue to enjoy, regroup, center and let the future do what it’s going to do. No sense in worrying if you and this man can be friends…if you can, you will be just that.

    Somehow you sound so peaceful around this. I love that. I love the confidence and knowing you seem to have right now. 🙂 I LOVE it!!

    Hope you are well and happy!

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  97.  #97Indigo on October 21, 2013 at 9:06 am

    Lemon butter,

    Thank you for the support. He blocked me when the conversation started to get frustrating for him. He just didn’t want to talk any more. Then he’d unblock me the next day, sometimes send a message to say hi. This is a man who is deeply afraid of intimacy, and it came across clearly in such actions.

    I’ve never had anyone block me in my life before, and so it hurt me deeply, especially since my intentions were always good, caring ones. Yet if I see it in its proper context, it wasn’t about me. I don’t believe he wants a relationship with anyone. Not now. He always, and I could set my watch by it, pushed me away when we were starting to get close.



  98.  #98Indigo on October 21, 2013 at 9:08 am

    I don’t want to get into his thoughts and feelings though. I cared deeply for him, and it all made me very sad, but there was nothing I could do about it. Except emotionally detach, and that wasn’t possible for me.



  99.  #99Zara on October 21, 2013 at 9:45 am

    Comments from the “If He Unfriends You On Facebook – Drop Him!” pasted in post 92

    _____________________________
    3: VW says:

    Rori,

    Wow…

    Now, what does that makes of me? I deleted two guys who I dated and befriended me on Fb; Initially, i accepted, later to notice…i felt awkward to have them on my page…and more so…i noticed feeling tempted to look at their page and triggered finding out things i was not interested in knowing… 🙁

    Am i acting like a high-school “cheerleader” too?

    warm hugs

    Monday, 24 October 2011 @ 7:35am

    ________________________
    4: sammie sighs says:

    VW that puts a bit of percpective on it I unfriended my ex as it too hurt too much to see him hmmmmm…

    Monday, 24 October 2011 @ 7:48am

    _________________________
    5: mali says:

    @ VW

    I was in tears reading this, because I yesterday unfriended a man who has been really good to me, but I can feel myself getting attached; I didn’t even want to see his name, it’s important to me that I “move on” so to speak, or transfer that focus on myself.

    I believe that if you feel better not having them on your page, that’s what is right for you. It is our job to receive, so to have a man who has been chasing a woman suddenly “unfriend” her, that really is immature. I’m not sure I make much sense…

    Monday, 24 October 2011 @ 7:51am

    ________________________________
    6: VW says:

    Hmm…i feel fear building up as i am contemplating sharing my thoughts /dilemmas…

    I think what goes for the goose should go for the geese…this dude has the right to delete whoever…

    When this happens to me, for example, the answer is not in asking anybody what u should do, but work through your own feelings…

    Yes, it feels bad…it sucks…it hurts…
    Everytime my mind switches to my left side and tries to “think” why it happened and what did i do…gentle bring it back…to my heart…unzip it…feel it…and stay still…

    Hmm…i feel a bit judgmental this morning twds Roothie who is supposedly an experienced Siren…:( I noticed a lot of “crises” and “poor me”…”what should i do?” and “rescue me” stories …:(…thank u…thank u…more healing for me on this…

    Monday, 24 October 2011 @ 7:57am

    _______________________
    7: mali says:

    I think the reason Rori has given such firm advice is because he withdrew intimacy by way of the internet. But of course, we don’t know his thoughts or intentions… I’m not sure.

    But I know that it is my job to look after me, to take care of me when I feel sad.

    Unfriending this man was an act of loving me.

    In fact, I will paste the post I wrote on the previous thread here:

    ***It’s been a while since I’ve posted here, but I wanted to share something with you Sirens.

    For the past three years, I’ve known a guy, let’s all him Alex.
    He lives about two hours away from me, and we’re both busy studying.
    He’s always been a complete gentleman to me, taken care of me when I’ve seen him, and I’ve just felt so GOOD and sireny around him.
    The thing is, we don’t maintain much contact, and we don’t see eachother much either. He treats me so well when I see him, and he’s eager to see me whenever I’m in his hometown, however at times he forgets or doesn’t get back to me about meeting up.
    I sense sincerity on his part, especially when he messages me, offering a hug, or words of comfort and advice when he sees statuses of mine on facebook as feeling sad or hurt, and I truly appreciate it.

    However, after three years, a part of me *still* likes him. I know that, considering our history of communication and meeting up, I need to try and let this go. He’s a good man, but I know that the repeated “getting stuck” on him when I do see him, and the wondering of what ifs isn’t doing me any good.

    So I’ve deleted him from my facebook account and all other IM applications.
    The only way of communication is thru my number. I’m sure that at somepoint he will ask me why I deleted him, and when that time comes, this will be my speech:

    “I feel really vulnerable saying this to you, and scared. It is so important to keep myself happy and to look after myself. I think you’re a wonderful man, and over time I began to develop feelings for you. That scared me. I’ve loved seeing you, and I’ve felt so good around you, but I know what it is that I’m looking for, and this isn’t it for me.”

    Any thoughts on the above, my lovely Goddesses? =) ***

    Monday, 24 October 2011 @ 8:04am

    ____________________
    8: VW says:

    Mali,

    I believe when we give everyone permission to be and do what they please…without labeling them as “immature”, childish, for example, we also free ourselves to be who we are and do what we need to do to feel good…without feeling guilty…

    To avoid labeling, feeling messages is the venue to our heart…and out of someone’s else business…

    There have been men and women who deleted me for their own reason(s)…i felt sad about it…but i bless them in their journey…

    warm hugs,

    Monday, 24 October 2011 @ 8:06am

    _______________________
    9: mali says:

    @8 VW,

    Thankyou, and I agree. I felt smiley reading your post, as I try and do the same.

    Thank you for your calm, wise words =)

    Monday, 24 October 2011 @ 8:09am

    ___________________________
    10: Daria says:

    I think it’s totally different if a woman unfriends a man, than if a man unfriends a woman.

    TOTALLY DIFFERENT.

    can i get bigger caps on that?

    If a man does it, he’s Not doing his job of pursuing. it’s like he’s leaning back and Showing me (not like not calling, this is actually visible to me that he’s unfriended me). It’s like he’s purposely choosing to make me feel bad. NOT a MANLY MOVE

    on the other hand, me unfriending a man … is not a manly move either… and i’m not a man. I might do it anytime. A pursuing, step up man will contact me some other way and ask me about it, or not, but he will continue pursuing. Women step back all the time – it’s what Women do.

    Monday, 24 October 2011 @ 8:09am

    __________________________
    11: VW says:

    Mali #7:

    Wow, thank u for sharing this story…:) yes, indeed u haven’t post it for a while…

    u said :”“I feel really vulnerable saying this to you, and scared. It is so important to keep myself happy and to look after myself. I think you’re a wonderful man, and over time I began to develop feelings for you. That scared me. I’ve loved seeing you, and I’ve felt so good around you, but I know what it is that I’m looking for, and this isn’t it for me.”

    Wow Mali! I love it…it feels soo authentic, soft, feminine, warm….just like u Awesome!!!!

    warm hugs,

    Monday, 24 October 2011 @ 8:10am

    _______________________
    14: Rori Raye says:

    ooo VW – I LOVE this – Thank you so much for this lovely comment about not-labeling….Rori

    Monday, 24 October 2011 @ 8:48am

    ______________________
    15: VW says:

    Aww Rori, well, I’ve had a great mentor…Rori Raye u mention about not labeling in many of your programs..:)

    warm hugs,

    Monday, 24 October 2011 @ 8:51am

    ____________________
    17: Rori Raye says:

    mali – your unfriending this man was a sensationally terrific, thoughtful cutting off of this most public way of contact…and brava to you!!! You are, in a sense, ending this relationship, this friendship because you do not feel comfortable with this man at the level of “friendship” he offers.

    Many FB friends are simply that – FB friends. They are in our lives only through FB. Many are family…and they have no requirements except that they are family.
    Weeding out your FB list and choosing only those with whom you wish to maintain emotionally intimate friendships (this means you NEVER friend a man you are dating unless he’s your boyfriend…and if that ends, and he does not become your husband…you can choose to unfriend him.
    If FB is your “inner circle” (and not just “friends of friends”…) then you must be vigilant about being happy sharing with whoever’s on your list. If you’re not, consider deleting them from your list is the way to go. (I love your speech, by the way.)

    On the other hand, if a man friends you, for whatever reason and then unfriends you, that’s it. Over, done.
    If you’re longtime “friends” and you care about him, you can ask him about it…but to me, it’s done. I personally consider that a very violent act on his part, and very different from your careful reasoning…

    Men are not women, to me. If a man walks away – he’s walked away. He’s not be be chased, not to be missed. Very different from what I see a man doing, should a woman walk away because the man hasn’t shown sufficient interest. That’s my view, at least.

    Monday, 24 October 2011 @ 8:59am

    _____________________
    18: Emoticon says:

    Very interesting how social networks influence intimacy

    Monday, 24 October 2011 @ 9:32am

    ______________________
    20: Emoticon says:

    I am energetically attached to my ex. That’s what it is. He can’t be my CD right now. *lets go*

    Monday, 24 October 2011 @ 10:08am

    _____________________
    25: mali says:

    @ VW- #11: Thankyou, beautiful soul. I felt so treasured and so beautiful reading that. I’m so feeling the love!

    @Rori- #17: I’m so honoured to get a response from you, and your support feels so GOOD to read. Feeling fabulous! Thankyou for your wise words and clarity, dear Siren of all Sirens!

    Monday, 24 October 2011 @ 10:27am



  100.  #100Lisa on October 21, 2013 at 9:51 am

    @Mercedes Absolutely we could have met on my end! I would have drove over to have coffee. I didn’t want to intrude on your romantic get away though… so I didn’t suggest it….

    I’m so glad you had a wonderful trip! The leaves are just breathtaking <3



  101.  #101Lemonbutter on October 21, 2013 at 10:19 am

    Indigo, thank you for sharing that *hugs*

    You are certainly right it wasn’t about you, only his own stuff. Speaking as someone is healing from fear of intimacy, and who never blocked anyone, but simply deactivated every account I had on social network sites, simply to get away, hide and protect myself, I can understand, in part, where he might have been coming from.

    I feel a sadness that I went to such extremes, yet it was all I knew at that time. And for some, fear of feeling open, vulnerable and intimate with someone, is something they have to work through and overcome themselves. And until and unless they do, the same behaviour will keep popping, as you were very much aware of.

    It is one of the reasons I am happy just resting and healing, because I’ve made progress, getting involved with the wrong man right now, would just send me backwards. But I feel hopeful because I am actually being more open now, I am allowing myself to be vulnerable, so healing does happen. It just takes a lot of courage.

    It also feels wonderful that you are reflecting on your own thoughts and feelings Indigo, and taking care of you. 🙂



  102.  #102Lemonbutter on October 21, 2013 at 10:27 am

    I feel a bit icky revealing that about myself, just going with it, just going with it! 😀



  103.  #103Sophie on October 21, 2013 at 12:15 pm

    I am on a steeepppp learning curve and I want to laugh because actually it’s what I wanted – it certainly feels fast track – I may be discovering some new bottom lines – really I know so little about myself in relationship and then every man is different so every experience is different…I guess that’s why we take a long time choosing and dating before we move in together ha ha ha

    Right now it feels tempestuous whereas previously it felt harmonious and I don’t know where this is my stuff and my triggers or where we may not be well-matched. There are some things that we really clash on and I don’t know right now if they’re dealbreakers or if I focus on the positive instead of the negative things will smooth themselves out…

    I’ve never found relationship easy – I flare up with anger and can have depressed moods and then tie myself in knots with my own thoughts but…I’m trying as hard as I can to remain open-hearted and to communicate my feelings and to be aware of any stories in my mind and to treat myself with love and compassion and have fun!!!!

    It may not sound like it from this post but I do have fun with CDB 🙂



  104.  #104Sophie on October 21, 2013 at 12:46 pm

    (((veronica))) i liked your update it feels quietly optimistic – I love to hear about the nice things men do

    Ah (((Indigo))) longing for places! yes I know how that feels or just general longing – i long for things that don’t have names and grieve for them regardless

    Lovely that your weekend was fun (((Mercedes)))

    Blue Rose I understand sometimes I have those kind of reactions – is there a story that you’re telling yourself about why he text instead of called which would explain how disappointed you felt?



  105.  #105Lemonbutter on October 21, 2013 at 2:32 pm

    Triggered by something I just read on EMK, where he talks about forgetting past experiences with men so that they don’t get in the way of meeting new men.

    I don’t know why I felt triggered by that, but I did.

    I still feel angry towards the last man I experienced. I feel let down by him. I feel devalued by him. I feel cast aside by him.

    As a result I do still feel angry in general. How….can I shake this off?

    I know deep down there are some wonderful, wonderful men out there, but the feelings of anger remain.

    I feel frustrated with myself.

    I feel anxious that the next man I engage with will sense that I am tense, and scared.

    I feel a tight feeling in my chest just considering these things.

    In general I feel more open to meeting new men, meeting men who are open to me and warm and sensual and serious….that feels good to think about.

    “emotionally unavailable” men can really screw with a woman’s brain. I’m not one to talk I know……I don’t like this feeling, but sometimes I almost wish I could delete every single ex, every single man, and start completely afresh in my mind and heart.



  106.  #106maria on October 21, 2013 at 2:35 pm

    Dear Rori, I just want to know do I stay or do I go? I have a bad feeling here and I am so upside down and turned around by it, and also want to to know if it is me who is pushing him away so that he says things that truly are not my cup of tea and as well doing things that I just wont tolerate to me as well it’s almost as if its an abusive relationship only he tell me that it’s my fault that makes him do this…. Is it?



  107.  #107Lemonbutter on October 21, 2013 at 2:36 pm

    Sometimes I feel haunted by my exes, its as if they merge into ONE man, and that man is a monster.

    I feel confused right now, when I know I shouldn’t. I have so much information and emerging awareness available to me, I feel silly feeling confused.



  108.  #108sequoia on October 21, 2013 at 3:31 pm

    I have stopped online dating, was on there for two month, met around 5 man, one of them is still in touch with me, could have dated a few more but didn’t feel inspired to. The ones I felt attracted to, didn’t respond to me. In the end I just felt frustrated. I am realising that I need to just be by myself for a while, do things on my own, take time out. Once I feel better with myself I’m going to try out another dating site. I feel good with this.



  109.  #109sequoia on October 21, 2013 at 3:48 pm

    Lemonbutter 105 I can soo relate to what you wrote. I feel still angry too with my ex…it’s strange, sometimes after I have been feeling this anger and than dropping into sadness and releasing it, I have the feeling I am over him, but than the anger pops up again 2 days later.

    When we seperated in july he told me he doesn’t want a relationship right now, but maybe we can try it again in november. I kind of felt it was very strange and wondered why november-whenever I think about it I feel suspicious about why he said that, still not understanding him. But another part of me still feel hopefull that he will get in touch with me in november.
    But I still feel some anger and I feel my hurt pride, as he was able to just cast me aside from one day to the next.
    In any case I know I need to let go off him.I wasn’t happy then anyway on how things were between us. It would need to be a total change in his lifestyle, his priorities and he would need to know that I am his one for me to be able to give it another try.



  110.  #110Lisa on October 21, 2013 at 3:49 pm

    I just had an amazing visual… wow! Just this flash of what it might be like to work with Rori…
    in an instant I had a visual of a vampire that sucks the life out of men, and then learned to be completely vulnerable and open … and my chest would expand and the color come back into my body and life…. returns… Isn’t that funny… just came to me in a moment and LOL! it’s almost halloween.,..

    OK I’m excited don’t know why.. but in comes “G” we met at speed dating… he is the one that looked into my eyes and ask what color are they… but he sat up straight as if he got a jolt when he sat down with me… interesting…

    and I noticed how I react and how my body responds to men that STEP UP To the PLATE! I get excited, turned on…. I LOVE it!

    When men step up and pursue me ….. it causes a chemical reaction in my body…

    It’s like all my life I’ve been with men that I waited for them to step up to the plate and they didn’t and yet what I’m learning from Rori is, that is a romance killer…

    Now that I’m seeing men step up for me… great turn on!!! I want more PLEASE!!!

    Ok “T” sent me this nice e-mail this morning early saying how wonderful the convo was for him last night and how he had this incredible dream.. and woke up feeling really free …and thanked me…. ( but interestingly enough didn’t mention – it was nice to meet you last night, I had a great time) then he texted me and ask me when I had time to go hiking… So, since he said he’d call me,, I said the day and then I said “It feels really good to make plans over the phone”. I’m going to stay out of his business as to whether or not he calls…

    I’m curious though, to just watch and see which one or if either one steps up more… but it feels good after the last few, to have more dates coming in… I’m hoping for one more man…… to come in… he seems interested…

    @Sophie Great to see you!!! {[{hugs}}}
    @Indigo {{{hugs}}} I know the feeling…

    <3

    OXOXO



  111.  #111Zia on October 21, 2013 at 5:50 pm

    Hullo lovely ladies! Not much to report here…. decided (again) that online dating just does.not.feel.right. for me right now – so I’m focusing on meeting people at events (singles events and just things I enjoy doing). Giving myself the rest of the year off pursuing a relationship (in the sense of having a dating profile up etc) but still be very open to men around me and meeting them and having fun with them and seeing who might come along that way. I’m definitely open to a relationship, I am just starting to feel what little time I have is better spent on social events than one on one dates from guys online who I have no idea if I’ll click with or not.



  112.  #112angela on October 21, 2013 at 6:00 pm

    “If you can’t talk, you can’t be intimate.
    A man who uses facebook to shut you out is a man who can’t talk. It’s like the bad father who slams the door on you.
    Get rid of any man who shuts you out. Period.
    Love, Rori”

    Oh I love this get rid of the man who wants to shut you out.



  113.  #113Lisa on October 21, 2013 at 7:25 pm

    Quick help question for the siren’s….

    Ok “T” sent me this e-mail this morning… and told me about his dream…. then said… love and light … T and then texted me to ask me to go hiking…

    I texted back… the day of the week and “It feels very good to make plans over the phone”

    so hours later I get another text… about the hike…

    So my question is… do I go on Ok cupid and respond to his e-mail… or just leave it..

    I mean really we both decided days ago that electronic communication wasn’t our thing… he said that too..

    I kind feel like I’m being tested to see how little effort I’ll go for… and usually with men, I’ve stood by what I say…

    So, up til now.. If I’ve stated that texting isn’t my form of communication and I also used my feeling message… then normally what I would do is just let it go and see what he does…

    than I got confused before when I was on here and Dominique and FW said to always respond to a man when he puts himself out there… and before I thought I was suppose lean back…and wait…

    So, what do you suggest? I e-mail him back and say “I’m feeling really good reading about your dream.” I’m feeling excited to hear more”

    or was the text I sent enough and also communicating to him days ago that electronic communication wasn’t my thing?

    I’m really feeling like doing anything at this point feels LIKE DOING and that I’m really wanting the men to step up! and not see how little he can get by with….

    Sometimes this work gets me so confused….. uggg Help!

    XOXOXO



  114.  #114Lisa on October 21, 2013 at 7:29 pm

    Oh and another question Sorry!

    I have a guy in DC… what wants to meet me… and he wants me to come to him…

    Which I don’t do! Since “R” drove 14 hrs to see me… but he has a 12 yr old child full time.

    and I’ve been planning to take my youngest to DC in Nov anyways for homeschooling history.

    So I know Rori says don’t go to them.. I agree.. but what about him having a kid?

    I’m wanting to know how to script it…

    I’m feeling excited to meet you. It feels good to have you visit here? What do you think?

    OXOXOX



  115.  #115Tereana on October 21, 2013 at 7:40 pm

    Hi Lisa –

    I agree. It is always better let the man come to you if he wants to. But, if you are already planning a trip to DC, it seems like it would be kind of awkward not to agree to at least meet him while you are there. Maybe without committing to anything big (since you are planning to be there already with one of your children, and you will likely have a lot to do), maybe you could agree to meet him for dinner or a drink, and see what he says. You don’t have to give him a lot of time. But just like any other date, you could let him do the planning and “take you out.” I think “going to him” would entail more of going there specifically for the sole purpose of meeting him, which you are not doing. After that, he’d obviously have to come to you. But you could at least meet to see if you have chemistry or get along in person. What do you think?

    T.



  116.  #116Tereana on October 21, 2013 at 7:45 pm

    Blue Rose – I can identify with this feeling:

    “the guy I thought was so amazing is disappointing me. I think I have expectations now from him, and when he doesn’t meet them, I am becoming upset.

    Struggling with this.” (#90)

    From the outside, it seems as if a call versus a text isn’t a big difference. He did contact you, right? But also, we must do this to ourselves. It has to be a certain way or it’s no good. It has to be exactly what he said, or we hate it. We are just setting ourselves up for disappointment. I’ve done this a lot. I’m doing it now. Will it ever stop? I don’t know. Just seems like some women are secure enough that these things don’t bother them. I guess I have more work to do…



  117.  #117Lisa on October 21, 2013 at 7:52 pm

    @ Tereana yes, I think that feels right, if I’m going anyways… I can say, I have a trip planned for such and such date… to your area..

    Ok and yes, I agree about the texting vs the phone.. but really all the other dating coaches say, if a man has time to pee and take a dump then he has time to call you and that texting is a cop out… ( these are men coaches) so, yes calls are important to me, b/c if I continue to text him, I’m letting him know that it’s ok… and if I go back on my word, what will that do…?

    Really I hate texting and my phone is partially broken now, I’m needing a new one I dropped it too many times.. and I rarely text…

    and it has been my experience thus far, that the men that are really serious about dating me, and pursuing me… will call… like “G” did tonight…

    So, I don’t know if I should answer his e-mail or not… but I’m going to hold off on the texting…

    OXOXOX



  118.  #118Tereana on October 21, 2013 at 8:04 pm

    A little update about my guy. This might be long. I don’t know yet. I’ve been a little stressed all day, and I might need to vent here…. (instead of contacting him).

    He has been back and forth so much. When his attention is coming toward me, I feel so good. I feel filled up with light, and it feels wonderful. When he pulls away, there is this vacuum left by the void. And I know that he does this out of fear. I automatically empathize with his fear, and even though I know it isn’t mine, I can feel the tension. And the lie. It feels like a lie. It feels like he pulls away because he is afraid I am someone that I am not. He tells me stories about other experiences, and I feel bad for those experiences, but I know that I am also not like that. When he is with me, I think he can feel this. But on his own, the fear creep back in, and he rejects me – again, out of fear.

    And this makes me feel helpless and discombobulated. It’s not about me. So I don’t take it personally. But it still affects me. And I don’t want that in my life. No, what I really don’t want is the sense that he can come toward me one day and pull away the next.

    He says that he is “commitment-shy.” Very apt. Heck, I am, too. But to me, that doesn’t mean that he is commitment-incapable. Just that he chooses not to. And that’s okay. For him. But it’s not okay for me. Because for me, what I want, and what I need, is commitment.

    And so, through all this experience, the last week or so, I feel like I have grown a lot. Every time he pulls away, it pulls my heart open. But when my heart is pulled open and in pain, it grows. Pretty soon my “love muscles” are going to be “ripped” and I am going to be so buff. lol. In a metaphorical love sense ; )

    Haha, enough joking. What I meant to say is that all this has made me do a lot of deep self-inquiry and soul-searching into what I want. And I realize that, like this man, I really AM equipped to commit to someone, to a relationship. I have chosen (in the past) not to. And I am still scared and wondering if I can handle it, or if I can handle receiving commitment from a man. But I have a little more confidence now, in knowing that I really don’t need or want to accept anything LESS than 100% from anyone anymore. I’ve allowed myself to accept crumbs from me who could offer more, and that’s gotten me nowhere. Hoping that they will “change their mind” or “come around” is a losing proposition. No, they’ll just get happy with what they have. Of course, part of that is hoping that if I am happy and appreciative of what I have, even if it isn’t a lot, then perhaps they will be inspired to give more. But of course, that looks pretty stupid, now that I’ve put it in writing.

    The weird part I noticed was that, after the guy got back to me, and we did end up having a conversation last night, he kept saying things that reminded me profoundly of my father. The last thing I expected was for him to be like my dad. It’s just so weird. So TYPICAL. lol. People always say that women are attracted to men who are like their fathers. I just didn’t see it until I was this far in! If anything, I would have thought that he was not at all like my dad! But, on the other hand, maybe I didn’t notice, because I felt so comfortable. And maybe I felt so comfortable because he is so much like my father, personality-wise. And maybe that is why it feels so good to have his attention. Daddy issues. Ha!

    I’ve got to let it go. After we connected last night, and I thought everything was great, he sends me another text this morning (a few, actually), saying that he was mad at me now and that he doesn’t want to follow through, and that he doesn’t trust me. I know that all these things he says are lies. I know that I am trustworthy, and he can trust me deeply, as I trust myself, even in uncertainty. I know that the motives he assigns to me are false and untrue. I know that this is coming from fear, and perhaps even from the connection that we have, that somehow it all speaks to him of “commitment” and he simply can’t deal with it.

    Well, I should have just said, “Ok.” Nothing more. I did say okay, to how he felt, but I went a little further with that. It was a bit of a knee-jerk reaction. A bit of fear-based movement on my part as well. But it felt like damage control. Even though it was possibly creating more damage. I felt like I expressed myself honestly, but I don’t know that I feel better about it. The energy is still not resolved. And I told him that I need someone who can commit to something. I’m just going to let it go.

    I was supposed to call him on Thursday. But now I don’t think i will. Now I don’t think I want him involved. Because if he is involved, I want him in, 100%. I want his heart, mind, body and soul invested. All of it. Not parts of him. Not bits and pieces here and there. Not on a basis where he can come one day and go the next. No. That will not fly with me. And if that’s the way he wants to be, then there is no deal. I don’t want to tell him anything.

    I just want to give him my silence. I don’t need to tell him anything. My silence will speak volumes.



  119.  #119Tereana on October 21, 2013 at 8:15 pm

    @Lisa – That’s totally true about the texting. It is a cop-out. And men do call when they are really interested in you. When they are really, really interested, they show up in person.

    I do think, though, that texting is so common now that it’s possible some men do consider a text a form of a “phone call” even though it isn’t.

    I am really still pretty old-fashioned. I always prefer a phone call rather than a text. But honestly, I’ve had the same or similar issues with friends and even with clients. I say “call,” and I receive a text from them. I will even sometimes use the same types of scripts and get similarly disappointing results.

    But if it’s important, I will often just say that I would prefer to discuss X by phone, rather than text. If they still don’t call (talking about friends here), I may make the first phone call, just to get the ball rolling. Then they can respond. It’s a tricky thing. Not to make them wrong and also not to lean forward too much. It does make a difference, though.

    I suppose the only thing I could do would be, given the issue to call or text (anyone, for example), just call instead of text. Maybe that would lead to receiving more of what you give (in a karmic sense)? I don’t know, worth a try. If I’m lazy and text sometime instead of call, I can’t expect others to be any difference.

    Wow, that was longer than I meant it to be. My fingers are having a spasm! lol



  120.  #120Veronica on October 21, 2013 at 8:29 pm

    Sophie -104 – Hi! and thank you for the hugs : )



  121.  #121Indigo on October 21, 2013 at 9:09 pm

    Hi Sophie

    Yes that’s it exactly. I connect deeply with places as well as people, and they stay with me for a long time. And yes, I know the feeling of grieving for a place you’ve never even seen…

    x <3



  122.  #122Indigo on October 21, 2013 at 9:13 pm

    Lisa 113,

    I’ve been in this situation before, where I’ve stated my preference for making plans over the phone, and a man responds by text, and I’ve just ignored it. I do feel it is a test in a way.

    Most of the time, after a time has elapsed, the guy then *has* phoned. I really believe a man who actually wants to see you will have no problem phoning.

    xx



  123.  #123Indigo on October 21, 2013 at 9:41 pm

    Lemon butter,

    I don’t know if this could be right for you, but I have realized there is a great deal I would like to do for myself before I get into another relationship with a man. I just don’t feel as if I would be doing it or myself justice until I have explored many things and found myself.

    I want to get my interior design diploma, go travelling again, get comfortable and happy with filling my life with activities which give me joy and make me feel passionate, become self-contained… I feel so excited and good about the thought of doing all of this for myself and being able to approach a relationship when the time is right with a strong and soft, self-contained, open heart, one which is capable of protecting myself and treasuring relationship.

    That all felt really good to write.



  124.  #124Andrea on October 21, 2013 at 9:57 pm

    Hi Tereana, your post # 118 triggered something within me.
    A man I am developing deep feelings for has said some of the same things to me that you’re struggling with. He’s made his feelings for me clear, but then he starts to back away because he says I’m not trust worthy and date different men. He brings up stuff he knows about my past and wants to try to use that as an excuse for him backing away.

    Tonight, after a wonderful weekend together, and then lunch together today, he called me and wanted to start to question me again about different things…

    I felt strongly the conviction that you feel… this is about fear, it’s coming from a place of fear, and these things that he’s coming up with simply aren’t true about me..

    But I wasn’t afraid. I wasn’t feeling fear. I was simply listening to his words, and knowing where they were coming from, felt like I didn’t have to justify, argue, or explain anything.

    Finally I told him, “I really feel that you and I have an extremely unique and compelling connection. I feel that you know me intuitively. I feel that you know deep in your guts whether you can trust me or not. I feel like you will know exactly the right time to move forward in this relationship. So what I am feeling I want to do is simply lean back and let your intuition be the guide. I trust you to know when and how to move us forward and I’ll let you take care of that okay. In the mean while I’m just going to do the things I need to do to take care of myself and make sure I’m ready for real love when it happens. Are you okay with that?”

    He said… “Huh? Yeah… yes…” Then it was quiet and then he said, “Yes, that sounds good to me. Uhm… can I call you tomorrow?”

    And I told him I would really like that.

    It worked so well. But I think the reason it did work so well is because it really is true. I do trust his intuition to know when the time is right for him to move forward in this relationship. And I know that I’m going to let him take the lead and move US forward together in his time. And I know that trying to force his time to be different simply won’t work. So in the mean while, I’m going to take care of myself and let him do the work of taking care of himself.

    I thought this might help you a little bit. I feel really at ease tonight and relaxed. I feel like it was probably one of the best conversations I’ve ever had with a man…. “I trust you to learn to trust me. I trust your timing. I trust you to move our relationship forward when you are ready to do so. IN the meanwhile, I’m going to be taking the best care of myself that I possibly can.”

    Andrea



  125.  #125blue rose on October 21, 2013 at 10:05 pm

    #104 Sophie

    Hi Sophie. I’m telling myself he’s breaking up with me. I just got so used to how good he was, calling every night.

    He went out of town to a wedding, and since the dress rehersal he’s been different. And my last bf broke up with me after my best friend’s wedding. I’m scared this is happening again.

    So I’m telling myself he’s not calling because he’s getting ready to break up with me.



  126.  #126blue rose on October 21, 2013 at 10:08 pm

    #116 Tereana

    having expectations is so hard. at the beginning when I expected nothing, I was always so pleasantly surprised when he would call or text or write on my facebook.

    Now I expect it. and when it doesn’t happen, I become upset. And then I doubt myself. And I become angry with him. And scared that something is wrong. It’s so hard to not have expectations and to remind myself that he doesn’t owe me anything.



  127.  #127Emerson on October 21, 2013 at 10:15 pm

    74 Daria yes this is true! There are a couple of men that seem nice but not for me but yes maybe i will date them anyways…



  128.  #128Zara on October 21, 2013 at 10:20 pm

    Lisa

    He can’t come to you because he has a child
    That’s his story. Either a pretext because he does not feel inspired or a valid reason because he can’t afford a baby sitter. Either way, what’s behind the story is irrelevant.
    His story is the clue.
    His story says he can’t.
    So how do you imagine a relationship evolving with a man who tells you he can’t come to visit you? A man who tells you the only way to meet is for you to drive to him.
    Are you ready to take you child and drive to him for every meeting you will have?
    I would feel drained and I doubt my vibe would inspire the man or me to co-create a relationship.
    I would not even want to meet a man who says he can’t meet me unless I do all the work. I don’t care why he can’t. That’s his business. I don’t judge if it is a pretext or a valid reason. I care for my business. And my business is that I date men who CAN date me and are thrilled to come to me. It is the minimum requirement.
    I don’t want to feel drained, I want to feel fun and easy breezy.

    xxx



  129.  #129Emerson on October 21, 2013 at 10:20 pm

    I am taking steps to change my life and improve myself ….

    I am also realizing I am feeling really stresses and sometimes acting irritable!!



  130.  #130Cris on October 21, 2013 at 10:57 pm

    @blue rose, I felt connected with you for what you wrote about expectations… so true… and so difficult… thanks!



  131.  #131Sirenity on October 22, 2013 at 12:58 am

    Maria ..No one ever “makes” anyone do anything, or feel anything ..its you who do it or feel it in response to a trigger.

    If he does things that feel bad to you, then you need to take action. Dont believe him if he says you “make” him be abusive. This is a nasty lie..he chooses to act as he does..and we are all totally responsible for our behaviour . There is no excuse for abusive behaviour.

    Not ever.



  132.  #132Lemonbutter on October 22, 2013 at 2:11 am

    Indigo #123, yes that really does resonate with me a great deal. I feel uplifted thinking about grasping life by the horns and riding it like a bull! Just enjoying it and striving towards my own goals.

    I feel as if this is what life is telling me to do right now, get on with living and when the time is right, the right man will come along when I feel able to embrace him.

    Thank you *hugs*

    sequoia #109 my eyes went wide open when I read that he said maybe you can both try again in November. WTH. So you are supposed to sit around and wait for a time that suits him…..nope…sorry….it needs to suit YOU. I feel slightly annoyed by that. But there is no use in anger feeding anger.

    I’ve come to a decision, that if my ex should decide to come back, and it’s usually at a time that suits him, I’m not going to answer his texts or calls…..until it suits me to do so.
    Fed up of feeling like he is higher than me, and I am some lowly ant waiting for his affections.

    Wouldn’t feel wonderful sequoia, to be involved with men, or a man who pursues us, makes time for us, and is there for us…someone who really cares for us?



  133.  #133Lemonbutter on October 22, 2013 at 2:14 am

    I meant to say “wouldn’t it feel wonderful” lol.



  134.  #134Veronica on October 22, 2013 at 3:26 am

    I told one dating site man when he asked when we would meet that he lived far away – I thought that he would lose interest. He replies with ‘distance is not an issue – tell me when you’re available, I don’t mind driving’. I might not be attracted to him but I do admire what he said. I don’t really care what happens but I am learning so much, I’m going to be more open in a siren way about what I don’t like/want/need and what I do. This is magic!



  135.  #135Lemonbutter on October 22, 2013 at 6:28 am

    I like that line too Veronica. He sounds decent.



  136.  #136Dominique on October 22, 2013 at 6:40 am

    Lisa – 113 – The dream email from what you say here doesn’t seem to need a reply. If this man interests you at all though, then yes respond, and reiterate that it would feel SO much better to talk on the phone.

    Same with hiker man – it would feel so much better hearing your voice, or it would feel so much better making plans via phone.

    xxoo



  137.  #137Hana on October 22, 2013 at 9:35 am

    Thanks FW 🙂



  138.  #138Hana on October 22, 2013 at 9:37 am

    Arabian Goddess, I am doing well! I am unfortunetly not over my ex, but that is something I am not fighting, just recovering. It sounds like you are getting the hang of CDing huh?



  139.  #139Indigo on October 22, 2013 at 10:57 am

    LOVE your comment 128, Zara!



  140.  #140Indigo on October 22, 2013 at 11:05 am

    Hana,

    I loved what you said: “I am unfortunately not over my ex, but that is something I am not fighting, just recovering.”

    Everything got MUCH easier for me when I stopped fighting my body and my soul’s natural process for getting over things. When I flowed *with* the feelings and the rhythms of it all instead of fighting the way I felt and pretending to feel a different way.

    I was chatting to my best friend today, who went through a break up of her on and off relationship at around about the same time as I did, and it helped me to realize how far I’ve come as I was able to provide such support to her.



  141.  #141Lisa on October 22, 2013 at 11:23 am

    @Zara….. yes, I will keep that in mind…. He hasn’t said he can’t… I was speculating on how it would work for us to meet… but yes, hiring a sitter or leaving with family would be good…

    Same with me… good point…

    OXXOXO



  142.  #142Lisa on October 22, 2013 at 11:50 am

    Lots of tears today…. just allowing them…. I’m not being very productive today… but I’m feeling the feelings… allowing the tears to have their say..

    @Dominique Thanks!!!! I did that and I’ll wait to see what happens…. <3

    OXOXOX



  143.  #143sequoia on October 22, 2013 at 12:09 pm

    Yes Lemonbutter it would be great and I still feel very hopeful that it is going to happen.

    I feel that I still have to clear some anger so, and yes my ‘ex’ statement that we could try it again in november made me very angry .

    I was the one who unfriended him on fb. I felt so dissapointed by his behaviour, I felt deceived and lied to and I just had enough of him. So I did not feel like having him in my life even so I got very attached to him emotionally and I felt love for him.

    I also remember an article were Rori quoted some other relationship coach who adviced a women to cut all contact with her ex, unfriend him on fb, delete his number, no emails, etc….this was after she was stringed a long and in some kind of illusinary relationship…which mine also was.



  144.  #144Lemonbutter on October 22, 2013 at 2:01 pm

    Sequoia, one thing I have had the strength to do in the past was cut the guy off I felt strongly about, so I tip my hat to you for doing that. I would have liked to have had the strength to do it myself, I could have saved myself months of heartache.

    Right now I feel….detached. He still pops into my head, and some weird romantic notion will come up thinking that somehow he will come back and there will be a happy ending. Then I remember he’s just a stranger now.

    I feel some relief…I feel sad because he was a loveable guy, yet he couldn’t let go of the hurt an ex caused him, and he couldn’t quite embrace a relationship with me.

    That feels unfair to me.

    I used to feel as if he had won somehow, as if I was the loser. Now I don’t see anyone as the loser. I just see myself as becoming new again, fresh and new.



  145.  #145Lemonbutter on October 22, 2013 at 2:02 pm

    “One things I *never* had the strength to do….” I don’t know why I keep missing words out.



  146.  #146Andrea on October 22, 2013 at 7:57 pm

    So, the guy that I’m simply trusting to move the relationship forward in his own time called me this afternoon and asked me if I would help him shop for a new silver chain. His old chain is bothering him.

    Then he wanted to know if it would be okay if he took me and my daughters out for dinner. He said, “Let’s let them pick what restaurant they want to go to.”

    I was feeling so relaxed and happy. My studies were done, I had the day off work, and it all worked out just perfectly. We went to some jewelry stores and he got himself a chain then we picked up my two girls from the Boys & Girls Club and we all went out to eat.

    It felt so relaxed… so joyful. Tomorrow he is coming over to my house for a quick lunch before I have to go to my classes. It’s so… strange… it feels so relaxed and not forced and … I don’t know. I’m feeling very loved and homey and nurtured right now.

    I think I’m being different in this relationship. I’m just trusting him, and trusting his attraction for me, and trusting that he really wants to be with me, and even though he talked about backing away… well his actions are proving otherwise. I think it’s because I didn’t rise to the bait when he tried to get into explanations and talking too much about the past or about his relationship problems.

    I just said, “don’t worry. I trust you. You can move this forward in your timing.”

    It feels so much better. I’m not doing any of the work. I’m sitting back and he’s coming up with ways for us to be together.

    huh…..



  147.  #147Millie on October 22, 2013 at 8:59 pm

    Andrea I love this shift!!! I wish i had more constructive things to say, but I just love reading your posts and they always inspire me to choose differently. thank you for sharing 🙂



  148.  #148Millie on October 22, 2013 at 9:02 pm

    So I realize I care too much… I care what people think of me…i care if they want me around…I care if I’m being too forward….I care….

    Well guess what–now I’m trying not caring. A guy flirts with me…and that’s it…nothing happens…well I don’t care.

    I feel like I said the wrong thing to someone–well I said how I felt in the moment, if they don’t like it- too f’ing bad.

    It feels good not to care. To be very “whatever” about what other people think or choose to do. I’m on my track with or without you, so hop on or move along. I’m done caring.



  149.  #149Indigo on October 22, 2013 at 9:31 pm

    Millie,

    May I suggest an alternative? You can still care, but you need to care about what *you* think and feel most of all. I don’t feel the answer is to not care, as that can make you closed and hard, I think it’s our own views, opinions, feelings, needs that get lost when we are so focused on what other people think and feel. 🙂



  150.  #150blue rose on October 22, 2013 at 10:04 pm

    #130: Cris

    I’m so glad you feel connected – I didn’t really know I was having expectations until I started writing about it. I feel better reminding myself that he owes me nothing, and that I really owe him nothing and I really need to flirt/cd with other men.



  151.  #151Millie on October 23, 2013 at 1:26 am

    Yes I know what you mean Indigo..I do feel cold and hard sometimes…it stems from my feeling hurt or rejected, then the coldness creeps up like a protective blanket. But I often feel that feeling alone and am able to work through it. I feel I have become so much warmer as I’ve gotten older. I agree that caring about me first and them second is better than saying I don’t care at all–that’s not really true anyway–but it’s more of an attitude I’d like to embody–that I don’t sweat the small stuff sort of. Thank you for pointing this out 🙂



  152.  #152April Rose on October 23, 2013 at 12:41 pm

    Rori,
    I feel warm and soft and like a young girl at Christmas, seeing you and your husband and new member of the family, Nell, in this photo.
    Wishing you much happiness together.



  153.  #153Veronica on October 23, 2013 at 9:24 pm

    Lemonbutter – 135 – Hi : ) I think it would be good for me to get used to being around men like that.



  154.  #154ladyjayne on October 25, 2013 at 2:13 pm

    Hi guys
    New here, it seems like many of us have the same issues, the come and they leave.
    Just came out of a 4 year relationship, it was good for the time we were in it doing wonderful things together, but when I pulled closer or questioned where we were heading he pulled away. Does this sound familiar?
    So he came back had a wonderful weekend, he left heard from him on the Monday Wed died down a bit, Friday spoke about a week ago then nothing. It seems the norm now and he gives me the silent treatment, I call nothing, text nothing.

    It’s like I know what I should be doing which is move on drop him and date other people, but that is so hard because there are other people I could be dating one said he was ready to sweep me off my feet wow!
    How can I let go and I feel guilty if I date anyone else because what if he comes back, how do I explain it if he asks if there was a physical relationship.

    I know he isn’t good enough anyway due to the silent treatment he is a mommies boy and retreats there even though he has his own place, I feel I can’t compete.

    I wish someone could extract me from this unhealthy pattern. I have all self esteem, feel worthless and honestly depressed, this is not me.

    Have others been in the same situation? What happens if your ex comes bk and you have dated someone else? Guilt?



  155.  #155Rori Raye on October 27, 2013 at 2:54 pm

    ladyjane – please read everything you can here about Circular Dating. Why do you suppose you’re so true blue to this one man who sounds like a fine an to DATE, but is hardly trying to get you to commit to him. We’ll help. Love, Rori



  156.  #156Danielle on November 24, 2013 at 7:15 pm

    Hi!

    Rori I know you are not big on spending time at the guys place but I live at home with my family still and they are old fashioned. Where do we spend time if we want alone time after going out on many dates in public?

    Danielle