Self-Acceptance Is the Key to Feeling Loved

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heartfatThis is an article by Matthew Walter and Orna Banarie, who have a fantastic story of how they found each other (the wedding is just about to happen…). Matthew is a terrific hypnotherapist, and Orna does life and relationship coaching using hand analysis (I personally had a great reading by her) — and now, the two of them are teaching, in teleclasses and coaching, what they’ve learned from their own amazing experience finding love with each other when they least expected it…(see how relaxed they are with each other…)

Which one of these scenarios best describes your experience in relationships? orna-and-matthew

1. You always find yourself needing to please your partner. Constantly putting their needs ahead of yours, you find that at times you feel resentful wondering when all of your selfless action will be recognized and reciprocated. You wish your partner would be able to anticipate your needs as well as you anticipate theirs. Ultimately, all of this leads to you constantly twisting into a pretzel to receive love.

2. You feel like you’ve been duped in your relationship. You thought you knew who your partner was until you made that deeper commitment and everything changed. Suddenly your partner has different opinions than you and begins to express them. This person is no longer interested in doing the things that you did during your courtship. In fact it may seem like you’ve married or moved in with a completely different person.

3. You are extremely attracted to people who reject you. It seems that the more you are told that you are not right for that person, the more you want to prove them wrong. You may even begin a process of changing who you are in order to become more like what you think that person wants. When you meet someone who is attracted to you and likes you for who you are, you are not interested in that person. You may even feel that person is not worthy of being with you as it would be too easy to start a relationship with them. You prefer a challenge and like the chase, but lose interest when you get the prize.

These may seem like completely different scenarios, but they all point to a common problem – a lack of self-acceptance. In the first scenario the person lacks an ability to see their needs as valuable. When we seek approval outside of ourselves we find ourselves twisting into pretzels. We often think “What shape can I assume that will make me attractive to you?” This is a game of rejecting who we are and hoping that the new shape we assume will be loveable. When what we really need to do is to learn to accept all of our qualities, both good and bad, and by finding that acceptance then we can be authentic in relationship with others.

In the second scenario the partner in the relationship isn’t purposefully deceiving their partner. Instead, this is caused by someone thinking that it is not okay or safe to be themselves until they get that deeper commitment from you. They finally relax and allow their true self to be revealed to you. This is not usually a conscious choice to deceive you. It happens because that person does not believe that you would love them for who they really are. That person lacks a sense of self-acceptance.

In the last scenario the problem lies with a sense of worthlessness and an inability to receive. This person seeks that rejection because that is what they feel inside. Often times when they are in relationship with the person who does love them for who they are, they will sabotage the relationship to prove that they were not worthy of receiving love and acceptance. The desire to prove themselves worthy to the person who rejects them is really a desire to prove to themselves that they are worthy.

Why is self-acceptance so important in your relationships? Because how you see yourself, how you feel about yourself – self-judgment, self-criticism, etc – effects your ability to be authentic in relationship. The belief is that if you show your true self you will not be loved. The problem is if you don’t ever show your true self, then you can never be loved for who you really are.

Another problem that arises in relationship that comes from a lack of self-acceptance is that we begin to judge our partner’s behavior and become critical of them. If it is true that all judgment is self-judgment, then when we are so annoyed by our partner’s behavior we can ask ourselves “Is this a reflection of a fault within my character?”

Only by knowing what we truly need to be happy, what we truly need in order to nurture ourselves, can we feel comfortable asking our partners to love us in the way we truly can receive love. It is in the search for self-acceptance, that all parts of us are worthy of being loved, that we begin to learn to love ourselves. When we love ourselves it becomes easy to ask for what we want, it becomes easy to enforce our boundaries, and it becomes easy to receive the love we most desire. That love is what “true love” is all about.

Orna and Matthew are doing a continuing series of free teleclasses…and I’ll be interviewing them soon for my monthly Interviews With Relationship Experts CD series. You can read more about what they’re doing (you can find them on facebook, too) right here:

Love, Rori


  1.  #1Symantha on September 6, 2009 at 11:33 am

    Thank you!


  2.  #2Ann on September 6, 2009 at 1:46 pm

    I like this. I’m working on accepting myself.

  3.  #3Tina on September 6, 2009 at 3:14 pm

    I went for a walk down by the river , after reading this blog. I am not sure if I have accepted myself. I want to, I just feel , um I dont know how, maybe I do , how can I be sure. My physical flaws, my emotional flaws, all of me. I dont know if I’m doing it right lol. I walked in the water, hummed a tune , sat around asking myself , Have I truely accepted myself?. I still dont know the answer. I sat up in a tree for fun, I felt like a little kid wandering around by the river. I came back, I cried, did some accupressure, took my evening primrose oil, made some coffee. To say I’ve truely accepted myself would feel like a lie, I dont know if I have, how do I know?.

  4.  #4heartbeat on September 6, 2009 at 3:28 pm

    I like this too. I’d love to read more. Thank you.

    I’m still a little wobbly on the self-acceptance bit when I’m feeling angry. I really enjoy experiencing and accepting feelings when I’m on my own – I say to myself wow that’s fabulous, I feel ???? whatever, that makes me alive and human, let me just feel that again, o wow yeah! It’s kinda delicious.

    Then something else happens when I’m with my man and feel angry, it gets stuck and morphs into tension and agitation and my thoughts start racing with stuff like ‘I’m pushing him away cuz he’ll sense it and I’m being inauthentic’ and blah blah blah, and I’m killing myself doing evry single tool in the book, with all these thoughts growing and buzzing. My head buzzes.

    Today I experienced the mixy muddledy messy process of expressing anger, it felt so confusing like going pot-holing without a map. My man picked up there was something going on for me – thing was I couldn’t give him a reason, it was just how I was feeling. Thing I learned is that it’s a process and even though I worried maybe I’d not got it all quite right, over a couple hours we got a lot out on the table. A lot. A very lot. And I was finally able to express anger (tried denying it to myself – fail) though ‘I feel tense’ was at least a baby-step start.

    Biggest achievement? Trusting myself to drop it without any ‘done deal’ or agreement, not needing closure. I feel sooooooo proud of that.

    I feel like announcing to the whole world ‘closure unnecessary!!!!’ . It felt more important to stay open and connected even though I was thinking I wonder what’s next, maybe this is the end for me etcetc blah blah blah until I got so fed up thinking of how I might bring up the subject of ‘have we reached an agreement’ I just decided ‘drop it, I’m gonna enjoy the moment instead’. He’s a great f***in kisser lol!!

    These were deep issues coming up too. Scary stuff. Later I looked up at him when we were out and the look in his eyes was deeply loving – we connected in a way we haven’t before and we both smiled with our eyes without talking. In the evening he took ages to leave (night shift) cuz he kept kissing and holding me, and I just felt how warm and firm his arms were around me and how generous his lips felt mmmm!!! Leaned back totally, this feeling came from a real sense of ‘it’s not all up to me, I can stop here, I can relaxzz and let go’.

    I remember a time I would have pushed for answers, this a huge step for me, I hi-five myself woo ha!

    Thank you all for sharing your insights and stories and resources, they have been a great support and inspiration xxxxx

  5.  #5tinque on September 6, 2009 at 5:03 pm

    heartbeat – I just love how you follow your confusion around, your mish mash of feelings. It’s beautiful, so real, so how life is.

  6.  #6Tina on September 6, 2009 at 5:34 pm

    I feel I’m a mix of scenario 1 and 2.

  7.  #7Tina on September 6, 2009 at 5:39 pm

    Mathew and orna feels happy to me. It looks as though he is sort of leaning in towards her. Nice smiles. I feel like picking out a wedding gown for myself lol.

  8.  #8heartbeat on September 6, 2009 at 6:46 pm

    Oh Tinque thank you, that feels lovely! xxx

  9.  #9Linda on September 6, 2009 at 6:59 pm

    Boy have I lived this one…. the key is self acceptance. I identify with scenrio 3. I like a challange not to earn self acceptance but I because it is what I want. If it all fell into place I doubt that I would loose interest. You see the truth is… I am the prize. Knowing your self worth changes everything. I started doing this, by painting myself with love. The man I call the king of empty words, whom I am still desire to honor and be with has self acceptance issues. He has use every excuse in the book to reject me as relationship material but then he just cant walk totally away. He says I dont have what he needs… lol…. he is insecure and does not have what he needs to give to me but turns it all around on me. SO both male and female are troubled with this same issue. It is amusing to me and things have been bouncing off like I am teflon coated or something.



  10.  #10Maria on September 6, 2009 at 9:51 pm

    l think with a right person we feel ok and accepted.

  11.  #11PRPG on September 7, 2009 at 2:23 am

    First a big thanks to Rori…its weird bt seems like lately these topics are made for me…
    May as well let the cat out the bag…i have not bougt any of Rori’s ebooks or programs, i simply cannot afford the exchange. I feel like an imposter on here sometimes,bt reading this blog and the e-letters has helped me a lot.

    i don’t feel very successful in implementing these things though, very inconsistent. I’ll read this now and be like all fired up and positive and tonight when i get home its like im a baloon with a slow leak, deflating and feeling all that positivity drain away.

    Relating to this topic, I consciously feel like i accept myself but after reading this i feel like a pretender only…i am a classic no. 1, and no.2 seems like it was written specifically for me! So does No.2 mean that HE has not accepted himself? I do feel duped, which leads to anger and a feeling like i wish id known all of this before i gave him my heart.

    I feel so lost. The other day we talked about how i dont feel like my needs are being met…it started when he called me at work to remind me to go the bank for him-i dont mind, i never mind-and i sent him a text after to say i feel more like his PA than his g/f because the only time he calls or texts me is when he needs sumthing. He said what he always says-he just doesnt think about these things, he’s pressurised at work and all his focus is there and (this is the one that REALLY gets me) we live together, like that means he can just not make any effort anymore. its been 3 years of this and i am soooooo tired. Im angry with him but mostly with myself for being so pathetic as to need his stupid affection and validation, that I need him to touch me and compliment me and love me and hold me WITHOUT BEING TOLD. and believe me iv tried leaning back but his main aim in life is to relax and be content, meaning anything that rocks his little boat is not ok. so if i lean back hes like cool, shes not making any issues. hes a good guy, not toxic. just clueless i think or unwilling to make an effort. i feel sooooo needy and clingy, theres no spontaneous cuddling or whatever-if i make the first move he gets this look on his face, like im putting him out or irritating him somehow…make me wanna scream F You u selfish man, goodbye!!!!
    shit i feel broken right now…romance, courtship-he thinks them unnecessary…i neeed those things:( i stay because I KNOW hes got what i want, I KNOW he can treat me how i need because he did in the beginning.

    Sorry this is so long, im just at a real low point with no-one i can tell. least of all him, not very supportive. this seems like quite a negative post but i feel better for getting it out. ANY advice will be appreciated. thanks

  12.  #12Jennifer on September 7, 2009 at 9:42 am

    Leaning back could look like not doing anything for him…no more banking or errands or anything. just say you don’t have time.
    Maybe that could get his attention.

  13.  #13Tina on September 7, 2009 at 12:34 pm

    I dont know if this makes sense, I may very well have just walked/talked/felt my way out of a relationship. Could I have done/handled things differently? I dunno, given what I knew then? and now? Where my standards self imposed? Do I treat myself with kindness and consideration? I always felt a sense of danger in expressing my needs, it wasnt safe to do so especially to the outside world. Why is it so dangerous for me to feel/show kindness and considerate to myself? I dont feel I need to consciously hurt myself or want to. My love for myself is bigger than the moon , wider than the sea but somehow I dont think/feel others want to hear me say that lol. I’m not working on accepting myself but more of a what does that mean for me? Is my happiness in direct porportion with my self acceptance? Is my self acceptance in direct proportion to how happy I feel?

    PRPG, Baby steps baby steps baby steps

  14.  #14gina on September 7, 2009 at 12:58 pm

    I have a tendency towards scenario 3. I went on a date with a guy who I recently posted a ton about – I expressed anger about driving to his house. Well, yesterday, he drove to pick me up, took me on a wonderful date to the museum, to have wine at this beautiful magical cafe hidden in a gorgeous building/trainstop, an adventure around town trying to find a restaurant that was open on a Sunday night, dinner (finally), and then we watched this incredible animation at my house – we projected it on the wall with my projector. It all felt SO GOOD. There were moments when I felt a little untrue to myself, but those moments stood out like a sore thumb. The rest felt so good and fun. i don’t know what will happen in the future, but since Im usually so wrapped up in tendency #3, I have never enjoyed a complete connection with a man (I was always holding out in some way or another), but yesterday felt so good, cause it felt like we both were giving love a genuine try without putting pressure on it, either. I felt a little scared and vulnerable sometimes, but that was exciting cause it felt like LIFE. Marriage seems really exciting to me right now. to get to spend every day with a man that I love to talk to, listen to, be with, make love to, and be taken care of by – no wonder people call it bliss. I don’t know what’ll happen, but I got a taste of something good yesterday. I can absolutely see how trusting myself and behaving authentically is essential to have a fulfilling intimate relationship. Yesterday was interesting also, cause I remember there was a moment when I thought “oh, here I am.” Cause it was like i was connecting with him and with the moment so much, it was like I returned to my head for a second and realized that my head is a totally different place to be, and when i’m up there, I’m not with him, and it felt so good to be with him, I chose to switch back to the moment.

  15.  #15Daria on September 7, 2009 at 12:59 pm

    Gee willikers. I am in number 3. and I feel angry… like well it’s pointed out what is ‘wrong’ but nothing to fix it…
    i feel angry and rejectful

  16.  #16MJ on September 7, 2009 at 3:33 pm

    Help! I’m a little panicked (although a lot relieved!) I just told my boyfriend of 13 months that I did not want to continue dating if there wasn’t a plan for us in the future. We are in our 50’s and live about an hour and a half apart. I’ve been preparing to say this for months, with a lot of support from reading this site. I finally said it at the right moment and stayed so calm and matter-of-fact!

    He said that would be a huge undertaking but was certainly something we could discuss ‘if I wanted’. I said we didn’t have to discuss it right then, but soon. He continued to be positive and attentive and talk about our typical pattern of travelling back and forth.

    I was very calm and ‘leaning back’ as best I could. He left- and I am getting ready to go back to work tomorrow- and I don’t know what to do! How long do I wait? Do I bring it up again?

    Any input appreciated!

  17.  #17Daria on September 7, 2009 at 5:51 pm

    ok feeling mad because dad made comment about tummy…

    dad: um how are you doing wiht eating

    me: oh i havent ate anything today besides some strawberries (im cooking)

    dad: no i meant, with that tummy

    me: silence (furious)

    dad: and you seem different, your voice seems like its missing

    me: crying silently i dont think he even noticed

    ok the thing is my dad thinks he has to make these comments because its his job as a loving parent (for real.. he does think this)

    I feel so stuck … please help word for word with what to say

    feeling furious… and hopeless… feel like killing myself or starving myself to death…

    worried about using feeling messages only to get attacked or told to get out the house (am not prepared to move financialy)

    help please

    been upset all day… tried a lil EFT, not feeling much better

  18.  #18Linda on September 7, 2009 at 6:03 pm

    Ladies, I feel like I a drowning. I am fighting such thoughts in my head. I love myself, know that I am an awesome woman, I am having a hard time today with accepting myself though. THe words that keep swirling around in my head are nasty. THe last man I tried to have a relationship with sat one day while we were out to dinner that he did not pay for and was 2 hours late to get me for and said, as we waited for food…you need some new glasses, update your look, your eyes are your best feature…, you know sex you up a bit !!!.., and lets find you a new hair style, you got too much fullness going on…I am not picking on you…wow… I was already upset that he did not keep his word and pick my up on time and now this!! I felt so disrespected and disapproved of by him…. I excused myself and went to the bathroom. ….I felt like I looked pretty good. He also commented at a different time you need to wear your jeans tighter so you look like you have some junk in your trunk!… This guy isnt even in my life now because he left for a shallow reason……. I am a mess today. I thought the things he said bounced off me but I have noticed a big change in me deep inside. I have naturally curly hair and it has a mind of its own at times it has always been am achilles heel…. a comment on it is tuff to dismiss….I am upset today… I feel like I had made some great strides in loving myself, accepting who I am… but I have discovered that I am looking at myself and picking…I have allowed his words to sink in.

    My thought life is… you are not sexy .. you dress wrong too frumpy…I found myself shopping differently today….your hair ugh your hair toooo… I used to not think like this.

    I just went out and shopped today with my Mother and daughter. I am the thinnest I have been in a very long time. I tried a size 9 junior and it fit!…I have not fit into a junior anything since I was in high school 31 years ago!… There is a time that I would have been so proud of me and so happy, but instead these nasty voices just accuse me of inadequacy. I even sit and watch people and wonder… would he find her attractive? I dont like thinking or feeling like this but I cant seem to shut off this crap in my thoughts. At times I thought he was just looking to help update me, (had been shopping for glasses) but Ifeel like now if I looked different we would be together. I know he was shallow and rude and I should have told him to f**k himself. and I have tried to dismiss all this but it rolls around in my head and today I felt tormented. I did not feel like a goddess or self accepting today. Just inadequate.. I kept saying to myself, whats wrong with me, feeling sorry for myself, I dont feel beautiful or confident or anything positive.. just… looking at all my flaws and wishing I looked different so he would approve. This was a weak day for me. I just cried and feel down.


  19.  #19Daria on September 7, 2009 at 6:07 pm

    omgosh what Linda wrote reminded me of my dad. I wish my dad was a man I was dating so I could tell him I feel so fuckin furious and then not pick up the phone for him and feel good about it.

  20.  #20Linda on September 7, 2009 at 6:40 pm

    Daria… I wish I could feel furious, I know I should. I just feel tired. I feel tired of being alone, feeling unimportant, being lied to ,rejected. THis has just been a bad week end all the way around. I will be glad to work tomorrow. Too much alone time.

    Maybe tomorrow I will go buy those size 9 jeans put on my red stilletos or my leppard print ones go pick up my new sexed up glasses … have my daughter re-highlight my hair and…. oh crap… maybe I will have my head on straight tomorrow.

    I know how hard it is not let peoples words not affect you. Some people are such bulls in other people china shops. They thrash around, saying what they will not considering the harm they are doing… I am sorry I know it feels ugly….

    My dad never put me down, I miss him. He died in 2000. I wish I could curl up next to him and cry. He would not know what to say but it would be okay, He always accepted me just like I was.


  21.  #21alias girl on September 7, 2009 at 6:45 pm

    daria do come sit ups

    linda get some new glasses and hair gel

    (omg i hope you guys get my humor)

  22.  #22Linda on September 7, 2009 at 7:00 pm

    Ok.. thanks … i get it.

    I actually hope my new glasses are in tomorrow. I would have had them last week but they had to remake them because I could not see thru the lenses right. LOL I think I will look really sexy in them…provided I can see through them. LOL

    Hair gel..use it all the time! Maybe I should buy some stock in Paul Mitchell… a way of paying myself back…..

    …. Linda

  23.  #23Daria on September 7, 2009 at 8:25 pm

    Lol Alias Girl I didn’t get it at first I was like hmm this is fresh new brunt approach lol

    i actually was like hmm maybe i do need to or what not…

    /i wound up saying “i got upset when i heard that thing about my tummy” to my dad, randomly, I felt so much better… there was no response by the way he might even not have heard me but I think he did

    anyway i feel much better

    now I want to feel good getting over this sicky respiratory thing i got because of vacuuming hecka dust and didnt tie anything on my nose and mouth

    oh i will go make some mullein infusion yay

  24.  #24PRPG on September 7, 2009 at 11:37 pm

    Tina, you mention baby steps….maybe its just me hoping but last night i tried physically leaning back and away from him on the couch…and he came to me!! Leaning forward, touching me while he talked…it was great. I just need to learn consistency and keep doing these baby steps…what Gina said about it being different in her head..i struggle not to be in my head and overthink things…but i have a bit more hope than yesterday so thanks…

    Linda your posts really touched me cos i have those same problems, ok my guy never blatantly told me everything i needed to fix, but sometimes i feel like the unsexiest, most frumpy and unhip person my age (25)…personally i find the media makes it worse…here we are trying to feel beautiful and goddess-like the way we are and some pop star comes on TV with a great ass and boobs and looking totally glam and although i kno i shouldnt i compare myself. BUT at some point i think you know what, if you’re gonna judge me on appearance I actually dont wanna know you and that really is your loss…Its so easy to tell someone else how to do it but trust me i know its soooo hard to implement consistently…sometimes when i look at myself in the mirror without makeup i feel ugly and have to actually make myself stop it before i get carried away and pick at everything….At those times i tell myself that my inner beauty is what shines through and its not about what im wearing…it helps…

    I hope you do get your hair re-highlighted and buy the jeans…just remember to nurture the inside too=)

  25.  #25gina on September 8, 2009 at 1:35 am

    there was a moment that was perplexing…we smoked pot before we watched the movie, and it made for AMAZING making out. So freaking good. Mmmmmmm… so connected and tender and good good good. I loved that he didn’t grope or go nuts trying to get as far as he could – he was sweet and gentle yet manly and aggressive. LOVED IT. I also loved that we didn’t take off any clothes or go farther than I felt comfortable with at all. When we were watching the movie, we were all cuddly, and I felt SO attracted to him and turned on. I started touching him in a way that felt a little wild but super hot. He picked me up and took me back to my bedroom, but then when we got there, he stopped kissing me after a minute and said “you need to chill.” And I said “did I stub your toe?” he said “no. you need to chill.” I said “okay…” he said something like “we need to take it easy” and I laid down on the bed while he was still standing and I said “am I being a tease?” and he said “no…but how far do you want things to go?” and I said “no farther than they have gone.” and he said “well there you go. then let’s do that.” and I said “okay…” and then we went back to the movie, and we were still all cuddly, but I felt a little thrown off. maybe a little rejected, but mostly I guess worried that I had been “bad.” Like I was going nuts touching him in a way that made him wonder where I learned to do that. but I didn’t learn to do it, I just wanted to touch him cause I felt free to be sexy with him cause he wasn’t putting any pressure on me. And on the one hand it felt a little sad that he put the brakes on, but on the other hand it was so wonderful that he wasn’t pushing for as much as he could get. As soon as the movie was over, he said that he should leave to avoid crazy 2am traffic downtown. I was sad, but didn’t want to be all mopi sad needy girl, so I started playing a jazz song in my head and started dancing. That was okay, but now I feel a little sad that I didn’t express to him how much I hated to end our fun day.
    before he left, I mentioned that I felt a little weird about him having to put on the brakes. Like I felt bad that I didn’t do “my job” as the girl – like I’m supposed to be the one to slow things down, and it felt weird that he did it. And he said “why do you think you’re supposed to be the one to do it?” and I let him know that I do appreciate that he was willing to take things slowly. mmm…i’m luvin him!

  26.  #26gina on September 8, 2009 at 1:41 am

    Oh… but at the end when I said that I felt weird, it went like this…
    I said “I’m feeling weird.”
    He looked really concerned and said “do you need some water?”
    and I said “no…I’m feeling weird about how you stopped things from going too far…” bla bla bla
    and he said “oh…you’re on that. Well I don’t know what you extrapolated from that, but what happened was just that you were really turning me on, and we needed to stop…you know what you were doing…” And I do know that I was totally trying to make him as hot as humanly possible. I feel a little confused – it felt like amazing connection, but then it felt a little bad that he was having to disconnect. or was that an investment in future connection?

  27.  #27alias girl on September 8, 2009 at 2:28 am

    linda and daria i found this online. it’s someone’s comment about something completely else. i am cutting and pasting it. basically the person said this:

    If u agree with the criticism and feel bad, the fact that u feel bad indicates that your inner being does not agree with the criticism. It’s similar to saying negative things about yourself that makes u feel bad. Your inner being only sees u in a positive light, anything that contradict that, will cause u to feel bad.

  28.  #28alias girl on September 8, 2009 at 4:00 am

    i feel SUPER ANNOYED (and amused) but mostly annoyed that my ex won’t concede and just find some other woman’s horse to park his annoying a** on.

    i was just istting here in my imagination trying to push him off my horse and i finally managed to do it when i caught him offguard and then i rode off free and beautiful with my goddess hair blowing in the wind. and then

    next thing i know he’s on my horse again. “i don’t want you” i said to him “i want someone better” and i felt highly amused because i can imagine myself saying this to him and him having some comeback full of confidence about how i want him.

    i have decide i want wilmer valeramma. hehehe. because he is cute (circa 2009 mainly) and famous. and then this stupid man just parkd on my horse will feel jealous and sorrowful that he never stepped up.

    heheheheheheheheheheeheh i seriously amuse myself to no end.

    wilmer + alias girl sittin in a tree.

    dumb ex. he is so dumb i feel sorry for him.

  29.  #29tinque on September 8, 2009 at 6:46 am

    Try this as a mantra – If it feels bad, it’s a LIE.

  30.  #30Mercedes on September 8, 2009 at 7:24 am

    “The belief is that if you show your true self you will not be loved. The problem is if you don’t ever show your true self, then you can never be loved for who you really are.”

    This is so true…

    Much Love,

  31.  #31Mary Ann on September 8, 2009 at 7:27 am

    I think I’m a bit #1…well maybe more than a bit. I do think I’m a great person, and I know I look good especially for my age. I just feel like they can’t see it…so I feel compelled to try to make them see it or prove it to them. The man who hasn’t called will be at a function I will be at in a couple of weeks. If I don’t hear from him until then I don’t want to do what I normally do and “be cool” and pretend that it doesn’t matter. I need to know what to say so I don’t feel horrible afterward. I was thinking of this…when he says Hi…I say Hi back and nothing else…wait for him to talk. If he makes no reference of not calling me…then I should say “i feel sad and confused” wait. He will say he’s sorry he didn’t call. Then what?? I want to tell him I would never have asked him to spend the night with me if I had thought for a second that he would say yes with no intention of spending more time with me. I honestly did not think he was like that. Now I feel like a slut…maybe that’s what he thinks I am. I guess I should also say “I’m angry”…at him and at myself..for being so stupid and trusting him to have the courage to follow his heart. I know he likes me…I’m not the only one who sees it. He’s admitted that he’s been burned and is cautious, that I caught him by surprise and that he is slow at these things. That doesn’t excuse him from making me feel bad. I’m so tired of this crap…I just want to be in love and happy with someone who feels the same.
    I have promised myself I will circular date. That night where I will see him…there will be lots of other men…he will have to watch me flirt all night…that makes me feel good in on way, but makes me feel scared that it will push him away further.
    ps PRPG, i only have the ebook, can’t afford the other programs either…its okay 🙂

  32.  #32Aldonza on September 8, 2009 at 10:34 am

    Self-acceptance is a tricky one because it’s almost a catch-22. Does accepting me also mean accepting the bad stuff? The stuff that perhaps I should be working to change?

  33.  #33alias girl on September 8, 2009 at 10:58 am

    it is impossible for someone or some situation to offer me a continual catalyst for good feelings and/or connection to source.

    i need to sustain good feelings for myself. this “feeling of being in love” i am missing needs to come from within myself.

    this is what i believe. when i have mastered my feelings and always reaching for the better feeling thought (hicks) then i am in tadaville.

    this is why my man has not arrived yet. for me. because i want to learn this little parlor trick on my own. how to feel good at my own choice and will.

    THEN the man will be like icing on the cake. a good companion. until then For Me it is my dependence on him to bring me to certain feelings. i would rather already be there in good feelings and have him already be there and meet each other at that place.

    thank you.

  34.  #34gina on September 8, 2009 at 11:44 am

    Mary Ann, it seems like the only thing you should plan on is being true to yourself and strong in your vulnerability. Rori’s visual of being a strong beautiful rose on the inside and ice cream on the outside has helped me in moments similar to your situation. I did something similar – I fooled around with a guy in my car in the parking lot of a bar and then was hurt that he didn’t pursue contact with me. When I eventually saw him, I felt super weird and did weird defensive things. Eventually we talked and i let him know how cheap and stupid I felt for fooling around with him once I realized I wasn’t going to hear from him. He was surprised that I was worried that he saw me as cheap – he said “I was there, too – I wouldn’t judge you for doing what I was doing, too.” He said that he’s seen me around, and he sees that I “behave myself,” and he knows that I don’t fool around in general. He’s attracted to me. He likes me. “he thinks I’m the shit” and “he really wants to Do me” but he was burned bad during his divorce and isn’t ready for a relationship with anybody, plus he had moved across country by the time we talked. And when we fooled around, he told me that he was unavailable, but I guess I hoped to change his mind. I also didn’t really believe it was possible for a quality attractive man to really pursue me for real, so I thought the challenge of winning him over indicated that he was worth having. Now I see how untrue that is, and I am intend to really LISTEN to what a man tells me, and let him lead. I also interpreted the pain of his divorce to indicate that I needed to lead him into love, rather than respect where he was at emotionally and let him do his thing. When you see him, I suggest looking and feeling as radiant as possible, and determine that if/when HE APPROACHES YOU, you will be true to yourself. And new feelings may come up. You may feel really good when you do see him. Or maybe you’ll just feel weird and you can say “I feel weird seeing you” and if he apologizes and tries to make you feel better, you can keep telling him how you feel until you do feel better, or if it doesn’t feel good to talk to him, you walk away.

  35.  #35tinque on September 8, 2009 at 12:59 pm

    Aldonza – “there is perfection in imperfection.” Yet this doesn’t mean there isn’t room to grow and expand, try new things, hone skills or traits you already have.
    For example, let’s say you own an antique silver brush, comb, and mirror set. You love this set. Let’s say it once belonged to a favorite great-aunt who gave it to you, and you’ve treasured it ever since. But it has tarnished over time. You still love this set. Yes?
    You can leave it as is, for it is so beautiful this way, or you can take out your silver polish and rub those pieces until they gleam, also so beautiful.

  36.  #36Mary Ann on September 8, 2009 at 2:13 pm

    thanks Gina…you’re right…I just need to make sure I don’t just react to feeling weird or however I end up feeling at that moment, that I acknowledge my feelings and express them as they are, period.
    I would like to know though…what does rose on the inside ice cream on the outside feel like? look like?

    how do I get there?

  37.  #37gina on September 8, 2009 at 2:39 pm

    I know what you mean by “reacting to feeling weird” – that doesn’t go well for me. But you can’t deny that you feel weird – I think self acceptance is knowing that you feel weird for perfectly good reason, so you can express exactly weird you feel. But, who knows, maybe you’ll feel good and powerful. I don’t think anyone can tell you what that visual looks like. For me, when I feel super uptight, I’ll have the visual of the strong rose on the inside and I feel my heart open, and I feel myself open like a flower. I feel soft in texture but firm. I have a strong stem, and I like knowing that I have sharp thorns. I’m ice cream on the outside that is just begging to licked – creamy, sweet and delicious. Super inviting, and I know I’m scrumptious. I don’t want to be devoured, I want to be enjoyed with care.

  38.  #38Rori Raye on September 8, 2009 at 4:18 pm

    Brava, Alias Girl, Rori

  39.  #39Rori Raye on September 8, 2009 at 4:19 pm

    Loving even what WE think is “ugly” or that we don’t like or are working to change…that’s where the transformation happens. Love, Rori

  40.  #40Rori Raye on September 8, 2009 at 4:33 pm

    MJ – I hope you aren’t being exclusive with this man, because until he comes up with a “plan” – you’re totally at his mercy, which is not good for you. Next time, give him the “No Boyfriend Speech.” That way, you’re just saying he can’t have you all to himself – not “breaking up” with him. Give him a timeline in your head for when you’ll stop wasting your time on him, but you have to have other men around you before you send him away. Love, Rori

  41.  #41Linda on September 8, 2009 at 6:30 pm

    Alias girl. Thanks for the paste in. and the later post about loving yourself and then you are the source. I am finding myself more and more. Yes I am tired of being alone and want a companion… I am going to discover more about me and give to myself instead of finding someone to give to. Finding my bearing after being married for 29 years, right out of HighSchool is new ground for me. It is key for me and my future happiness. Thanks for posting……as far as the past in… I am going to write it down and really let it sink in. This is just another level of learning to really embrace myself… Today was a better day for me. Venting here last night helped me so much. After work I went and had my nails done …(a normal thing for me)… called my friend, had two beers, pizza, and the most wonderful chocolate ever!… it was a good day.

    Last night when I went to bed or maybe it was a dream…I had this little scene play in my head … I guess I detoxed or something. Anyway, The scene was this….

    I had on my new glasses, (they are really cool looking cant wait to get them)… and tight sexy jeans, and my red stilletos…and a shirt that showed just the right amount of what God has been so gracious to give me without any artificial enhancement. I walked right up to the guy who has picked and stated for one roaving reason or another that I was not “it for him”…. and said.

    Who are you to put me down? Who do you think you are? Me not enough for you?… Shame on me for letting your shallowness matter to me.!…I am more woman than you know what to do with. You are a poor boy pretending to be a man.!…I know how to be real and love and give.. .you are plastic and insecure and… you have no idea how to love me. You go on with your bad self, and when you feel sad, and lonely and all the other things you feel and then you want me….. remember what you sent away. I turned and walked away and did not look back.

    I guess that was my speech. I needed to do that for me. I woke up in a much better frame of mind and had a unhindered, positive day. I dont care if he finds me valuable to him, I AM valuable.

    PRPG….I am going to get my hair highlighted tomorrow. I went to buy jeans but I needed dog food instead! LOL My little buddy needs to eat. I will get the jeans next pay check tee hee

    ROri, there are things I dont like about myself yet and I am embracing them. Some are wonderful and make me me, some need to go…learning to love me more, even the parts that I am working on changing is so great to keep in mind. Lots of times the things I think are ugly cause a self hatred… I dont wanna feel like that ever again. Thanks for the reminder. I find lots of people who are not looking at all for self improvement and they just keep making the same mistakes over and over…. I dont want that to be me…. Healthy things grow… growing things change….Thanks for that little post and input.

    I had dinner with my male friend from work. We talked about all kinds of stuff. He knows my whole story with this last guy… He said… “he is getting his life together, he will be back” I said ” I dont want him back like it has been… he will have to be”together”….Then he He asked me…would you recognized the “right” person for you.. could you see him?….. I said yes absolutely. He said I dont think so…. OMG….the way he was looking at me…. I suspected it but… all I would to do is make a move and well he is into me!… I am not attracted to him romantically but I the way he looked at me…”saying that I would not recognize it if was sitting across the table from he” LOL It is kinda nice to have a secret admirer that is not a secret. LOL

    Ladies… baby steps are steps, even if we have times when we get stuck… this is a place I have found to help me get unstuck and that happens even midstep….and take another one. Everyone here is so great.

    Hugs and nite! Linda

  42.  #42tina on September 8, 2009 at 9:11 pm

    Wow Linda hehe, so what are you going to do?. I feel flattered? I feel awkward? I feel …

  43.  #43tina on September 8, 2009 at 9:13 pm

    I had to go back and re read Break-ups and Divorce, break throughs not break ups, I love it!

  44.  #44Tracy on September 9, 2009 at 12:03 am

    Hey Ladies,
    Learning so much from everyone….hugs to everyone!

  45.  #45Karen on September 9, 2009 at 2:12 am

    “Does accepting me also mean accepting the bad stuff? The stuff that perhaps I should be working to change?”
    YES, YES, YES, YES, YES!! You absolutely have to accept that you are a mixture of the good and the bad before you can truly love yourself. You have to love yourself before you can truly love someone else. Ergo, we all have to learn to accept and love everything about ourselves in order to be the complete, whole, loving and lovable Goddesses that is our birthright! Say “Amen” for me before I get off my pulpit!

  46.  #46MJ on September 9, 2009 at 4:44 pm

    thank you Rori- now I’m going back over the ‘No Boyfriend’ speech as you suggest- scary!

  47.  #47MJ on September 9, 2009 at 4:49 pm

    I must have instinctively known what you would say re. needing men around me before I give the ‘No Boyfriend’ speech- I just had lunch with an old boyfriend, and went to the movies with a friend’s husband (purely platonic)- and made sure my boyfriend knew about the 2 ‘dates’- they made an impression on him.

    I have to say I feel quite empowered by telling him dating with no future is not ok- need to continue, though, and it’s hard….

  48.  #48Phoenix on September 10, 2009 at 12:57 pm

    Hearbeat, you just wrote my story! I am still struggling with pin-pointing exactly what it is I FEEL, having not done much feeling work for 38 years. Practice is good, and knowing that each time we even ATTEMPT to feel instead of think, it is a huge accomplishment!

    I also tend to feel like something needs to be “done”, a sense of resolution, a closure; thank you for sharing your experience about just letting it go and easing into your own being-ness. I am realizing it’s about feeling my fear: wanting to run away, end the pain, get it over with instead of sticking around and feeling things through. Or to have a sweet and happy-ending kind of resolution; which is a need to feel approval from the man…

    A great and timely article, Rory – thank you!

  49.  #49Rori Raye on September 11, 2009 at 12:09 pm

    Phoenix, Welcome, and Thank You for your beautiful comment. I look forward to reading more from you and about you…Love, Rori

  50.  #50cookie on September 11, 2009 at 4:12 pm

    What if what we are doesn’t match who we are? Do u have reconstruct yourself in some way outside your normal to be noticed touched loved? What if you love your self but the world fails to see you? How do you become visible? Why do u have to change?

  51.  #51Flipper on September 12, 2009 at 7:25 am

    Aw, Cookie, ouch! I often ask myself the same questions. I snarl and moan ‘Why is it me (or women) who has to adapt my way of being so a guy can “get it”?’ ‘Why do I suffer consciously from the results of my cluelessness and Mr.Man gets to bumble along obliviously till someone else gets it right for him?”

    And I strongly suspect that when I feel invisible to others, it’s cuz I’m not really seeing myself. Not all of me, anyway, just what I’ve already reconstructed into something I like, with whatever I don’t like conveniently tucked away or camouflaged behind ‘goodness’ or whatever. The whole, real me hasn’t been there to see. So if I’m more honest with myself, I see it less as reconstructing myself yet again, than needing to de-construct the walls, fold away the screens, pry open the boxes of construction materials I’ve been squirrelling away until the One came along with the key. Don’t want to feel like a good contractor who knows how to accommodate his client anymore. I AM the client and I want to feel that I am effectively the Queen. I feel tired of playing the wrong role, however much I Thought I was good at it and that was what I was. A mistake was made – figuring out why isn’t helping, I just feel more resentful.

    And if the contractor I have doesn’t serve my Queen, it’s up to me to try out the competition. Cheez, I hate this analogy – as much as the ‘hunter/chase’ one. It just feels true, despite my not finding it fair or acceptable, much less desirable.

    That said, having a supermarket-line flirt the other day and an erstwhile circular-dater pop up again right afterwards felt Really Good.

  52.  #52willie mae on September 12, 2009 at 7:34 am

    I am a 57 year old black female, no children, attractive, slender and retired from a successful career. It has always been hard for me to meet a sincere, caring man. Most of the men I meet are looking for on of the following things from me. Sex, Money, someone to take care of their children or they just plain stupid and don’t really know what they want in a relationship. Is there something wrong with me? My girls friends are mean poeple, I know their husband knows of someone they can introduce me to but they want let them. They tel me I don’t need a husband because I have my own house, car and money. But, I need companionship, especially doing the holidays. I am always alone on Thanksgiving and Christmas. My so called freinds never invite me to their house for the holidays and if I invite myself to their house. Its’ like I committed a sin. I have tried the internet dating, not a bite! I get tired of going to affairs by myself, but I have no other choice. you wouldn’t believe the herible things poeple have said to me because I want a man or to be married to someone, who truly cares for me. Help!

  53.  #53Marilyn on September 12, 2009 at 8:31 am


    Is this the only way to communicate with you? I have so much in my heart. . .it’s been shattered more than a year ago and I feel like I’ve been in a coma. I’m having difficulty putting my life back together (emotionally).

    Do you have a email address?

  54.  #54heartbeat on September 12, 2009 at 8:59 am

    Phoenix – I just nipped on to say thank you, I feel chuffed you relate to my story. Sometimes I feel so alone. Sometimes I even feel autistic around others when I try to communicate my feelings. However I’m really starting to love this about me. I truly love my quirky awkwardness, even though I feel tense and awkward and nervous trying to express feelings, especially anger – wooo!

    I’ve been re-reading ‘The Dance of Intimacy’ – it’s such a great companion to Rori. Small steps, or the self feels overwhelmed and wants to ‘change back – quick’.

    I find myself praising my progress instead of berating myself over not being as expressive as I’d like to be. Being kind to myself.

    Also, a woman is 50% of a relationship… seems obvious to me now – lol! – and my man is not comfortable with his feelings, and I realise that’s a factor too. So I’m being nice to myself and giving myself a pat on the back and enjoying the sunshine.

    Hey Flipper Queen – rock on!
    Cookie – hugs – yeah, I’m with Flipper (and Byron Katie) – turn it around, that’s what I do – ‘is there some way I do not see myself’. Please be kind to yourself too, I had to learn this, now I feel like telling everyone.


  55.  #55heartbeat on September 12, 2009 at 9:03 am

    50% – it’s easier for me to express feelings around someone who feels comfortable doing so, a man who feels really uncomfortable impacts on me. And yet I keep making my button steps, and he begins to express feelings too. Gradually it gets easier.

  56.  #56Linda on September 12, 2009 at 11:09 am

    I posted on the next thread about expressing feelings. I am finding that being real, embracing and expressing my true self is healing and centering. It is never wrong to be genuine. It is the gift you give to yourself and then it becomes a gift to others.

    For me, I have been folding back partitions and opening drawn curtains. Being willing to reveal more of me makes me feel vunerable but inspiring too. A fuller revelation of me as I dig deeper. Finding things I was not aware of were there and learning to accept and love that part of me too. Anger, disgust, finding the ability to express those too, a challange but equally as necessary.

    I will keep going. I wont give up. I dont want to be a plastic person. I still feel in the bottom of my heart that the higher road is the harder road. I hope that someday I will find someone who admires and respects that in me. The last man in my life was so insecure, did not believe in or like himself. He just couldnt maintain anything real, but he talked a good game. I hope that when he is alone and still clawing and groping around for his elusive happiness that he will remember me. That he will recall that I never gave him ‘BS”, was always honest, believed in what he couldn’t and told him without changing how I felt about him. In the meantime of that, I will go on with my life. … Maybe it is puffed up to want to be thought of as…”wow, I had a good thing in my hands and she loved me and I blew it”…. I dont know if that is a bad thing to want. But I do.


  57.  #57Rori Raye on September 12, 2009 at 11:52 am

    Marilyn, Welcome, and I’m so sorry for your pain. There will be a post up soon from Lisa Steadman, who’s an expert in heartbreak — it will help you. Though I do do private coaching (and I’m toying with doing some small group coaching via teleclass) – the only way I can even try to answer your questions is here…please read around this site and comment everywhere, and I know you’ll get some help from the fabulous women on this site, and I’m here, too. Love, Rori

  58.  #58Rori Raye on September 12, 2009 at 11:55 am

    Willie Mae, Welcome…and you seriously need some new friends. My Targeting Mr. Right program is the one you need…and you can find a lot about Circular Dating right here…Instead of “looking” for a man – how about you start simple by looking for FRIENDS – people who like you, and have your best interests at heart. Volunteering might be a good place to start. Love, Rori

  59.  #59WWIEB on September 12, 2009 at 12:17 pm

    Rori, your e-letters have really helped me and reading the blogs has too I am trying to save the money to buy your programs but money is tight so I have to wait awhile.
    I agree with PRPG -“seems like lately these topics are made for me…”
    PRPG: I do the same thing, I get stronger reading the blogs and can think more positively but later on, I go right back to being sad and depressed. I am a typical No.1, always trying to please him and to build him up. He suffers from depression and has told me time and time again that he has low self esteem, or that “I have a real basket case here”. He is a typical No. 3. He was deeply hurt by the last woman he loved and was made to feel worthless. He has never said exactly what she did but said that when he was seeing me “some things happened that won’t stop haunting him about her.” He says it’s NOTHING I did, but what she did. He was so sweet, caring, loving when we first started dating. After our third date together, he told me that he was really falling for me and I knew that I was already falling for him and I believed him. He would tell me that he really cared about me and his actions seemed to prove that he did. All of a sudden, he shut down. At the same time, he had some medical issues and he was afraid of what he was going to find out. He was shutting everyone out including his sibling who is my friend. We used to talk, e-mail or text many times each day and night and we saw each other almost every day. When I would call, he would not answer or if I sent a text to see if he wanted to go for a walk (which we both love to do), he would say “not right now, just down today”. I blamed it on the depression and the fear about his health and kept trying to reach out to him so he would not isolate himself from everyone. I sent information on depression and told him that I have also suffered from depression so I understand it. Nothing helped and he just said that he needed some down time…never gave any idea of how much down time. He finally admitted to me about the woman who made him feel worthless and said that “he needs to keep his walls up right now”. He says with the walls, “he can not be hurt and he can not hurt anyone further” and that he can not take them down right now. That was over a month ago (over two since we have been apart). Until he pulled away, I never actually admitted my love for him (for fear he would pull away) but since he already did, I told him that I do love him and want him to be healthy and happy. Rori, I have NO desire to see anyone else and I love this man and only want him. I keep hoping that he will “talk to a professional” about his feelings of worthlessness and that if he gets better that he will want to still be with me. We had not been together too long but instantly clicked and we both felt so comfortable with each other. We shared the same likes, dislikes and unfortunately some bad traits such as low self esteem and shutting people out. I did that with my first husband who was abusive and I told him that and did not ever want to do that to him. He said that he was really happy with me and that we really hit it off well but felt we were rushing things. Forgot to say that after only a couple of weeks, we planned a trip together (for a month later) which we wound up canceling. Yes, we did rush things because we were both really falling for each other so quickly and our chemistry was out of this world. We were “together” after our 6th date which was in about a week and a half. As I said, we were together almost every day. We went to dinner, picnics, and his apartment and we could talk about anything. That is until he shut down. I still think it is partly the depression as well as whatever she did to make him feel worthless. I know this is long but I need help and wanted to put in all the facts. I read in the e-letters about “leaning back” and I have not called or contacted him in any way for over a month. I saw him at an event last week as he was leaving but I did not want to make him uncomfortable (since he has not wanted to talk to me or see me) so I did not say anything to him. I was not sure he saw me but it bothered me enough thinking that he did, that I got upset and could not enjoy myself and left early. I told his sibling about it but when I said something, another friend had already mentioned it. She asked him if he saw us there but he said no, which is possible. I feel like I have “no closure” since he would never talk to me on the phone or in person about this, only the few things he would say in an e-mail. I wish I was more like Heartbeat in not needing closure!!! Any help anyone can give me would be greatly appreciated!

  60.  #60Rori Raye on September 14, 2009 at 4:15 pm

    WWEIB – Welcome, and the question to ask is NOT anything having to do with HIM — but WHY on this earth you’d want a man who is so “depressed” he’s incommunicative? In my opinion, he just decided the feelings he has for you aren’t as strong as the feelings he had for the woman who hurt him. This is the mark of a co-dependent person trying to break out of that pattern — and falling backward because his attraction to toxic women is so strong. Please, Please Circular Date. I don’t care how great he is or how powerful your connection was. If he’s not with you NOW — that’s ALL that counts. Love, Rori

  61.  #61heartbeat on September 14, 2009 at 10:15 pm

    WWEIB – I can feel the sadness and anxiety in your words. My stomach churns as your story reminds me of a man I dated before I met the man I’m with now. He was depressed and angry, and on the face of it, had good reason to be – I thought at the time – but looking back, and remembering how he laid everything on at the beginning (attention, compliments, plans, presents), along with his stories of how awful his ex had been to him, I realise I was just a band-aid in his life. And my self-esteem was so low, I felt being a band-aid was a good thing.

    That man was just too damaged at that time to be fully present for a relationship. It feels tragic, but it’s not about us. I feel like repeating that – it’s not about us!

    As a contrast, the man I’m with now became depressed after redundancy, and in addition has painful issues from his family of origin – but he always shows up, every day. Our relationship opened up slowly, and in two years he has only ever needed the occasional couple of days to have time out due to his emotions. We don’t live together, and we don’t see each other every day, but still he shows up, on the phone, regular as the setting sun. The difference is the man.

    So please don’t torture yourself wondering if there is anything you can do to make him come back to you – but really FEEL how wondering about him, guessing, trying to help etc, make YOU feel.

    Then turn around as I did, and face the world with all its many aspects, all the new things to explore and enjoy, people to meet, friends to share it with – and fill yourself up till you’re shining again. xxxx

  62.  #62Uschi on September 17, 2009 at 4:12 pm

    I can realte to #1 – knowing that now I need to know how do I accept myself, I haven’t got a clue

  63.  #63MJ on September 17, 2009 at 7:10 pm

    willie mae- I hear you! My boyfriend and I are now tentatively discussing moving in together- and when I told my friends they said exactly the same thing- why would I want to join up with a man when I have a car, a job and my own house? For exactly the same reasons you said- because I am tired of being lonely, and I want to share my life with a partner. Don’t give up.

    If it wasn’t for Rori’s advice, I don’t think my boyfriend and I would have moved to this next step. I am being very careful to get what I want before we agree to anything- I now believe I am a woman with a ‘higher degree of difficulty’, and I will settle for nothing less than exactly what I want. (I don’t think I am ready for marriage at this point- but I think Rori would say it needs to be brought up before I move in!)

  64.  #64Heidi on September 20, 2009 at 10:39 am

    wow did this hit home. I just purchased your Siren cd and can’t wait to listen to it. I think I have made every mistake re: attraction that someone could make. Made it too easy on the guy, allowing to be treated poorly for a very long time and not knowing when to stand up for myself and lastly being so hurt by my past relationships that when a great guy came along I lost him because I did not know any more to open up to him. I lost so much of my trust in men that I was scared to get hurt, so I held back all the time. NEver telling him my true feelings. He eventually got bored with me and went back to his old girlfriend. I don’t want this to keep happening. I want to be ready when the next “good one” comes my way. I am 47 and was married for 20 years. I try to keep learning from each relationshp I am in, but haven’t quite mastered it yet. I used to be so self confident and so full of life before my divorce and it has taken me a long time to even get to where I am today. But I am really sick of messing up my relationships. If you have any advice I would really appreciate it.

    love reading your blogs and articles.


  65.  #65Rori Raye on September 20, 2009 at 1:58 pm

    Welcome, Heidi! Thank you so much for your story, and I know you will get where you want to be. Step-By-Baby Step, just use the Tools — anyone you find here or in the letters, and especially my ebook — 24/7 and you’ll build your confidence. Love, Rori

  66.  #66Lauren on September 22, 2009 at 10:49 pm

    Im not sure what I am doing wrong but everyone I know, and I really do mean everyone I know has a boy friend or girl friend. I can’t seem to be able to keep a relationship going for more then three months if that at all since my last relationship of four years, how do I attract men? Please let me know what I’m doing wrong.

  67.  #67Rori Raye on September 23, 2009 at 10:46 pm

    Lauren, Welcome, look around this blog and I know you’ll get some quick help. Love, Rori

  68.  #68T. T. on August 12, 2011 at 10:40 am

    Self-Acceptance is also the key to alot of other areas in life as well, as I have just newly discovered. The self-confidence I am gaining from my “self-love” & “self-acceptance” has been starting to show in my work performance ~ and I have just been considered for a administrative position. 😀

  69.  #69Jeanne on October 21, 2011 at 11:33 am

    Hi Rori,

    First, I wanna say that I love receiving your emails. I used to subscribe to a few “dating advice” news letters, but only yours really gives great advice on dating and most importantly improving self esteem and self worth! I can’t afford it now, but I am saving up for your ebook!

    So here is my problem. I have been dating a guy for about four months and this is the best I’ve ever been at “keeping it together”. I have been able to allow things to evolve naturally, sit back in my feminine, receptive energy and allow him to pursue. Everything is progressing well (all be it slowly in my mind) and we are becoming closer.

    I have had alopecia for about 16 years and currently I have no hair. I am completely bald and I wear wigs, which as you can imagine can create problems during intimacy. Although he knows about it and is very gentle and cautious, and seemingly accepting, he has never seen me without a wig. He has never seen me totally bald. I am terrified for him to see lest he never be able to call me beautiful and sexy again.

    I know most of this has to do with my own acceptance. It is very obvious I have not accepted this yet, but I think a small part of that is because I just need to know whether its going to freak him out and change things or not. My plan is to talk to him about it, give him the opportunity to see me completely naked for the first time and relieve myself of the burden of the “what ifs…”

    I have no clue how to do this.

    What should I say? how should I start? I understand the whole feeling messages thing and I understand the idea of not approaching him as “we need to talk” or “lets talk”, but I just don’t know how to begin.

    Please help…

  70.  #70Helen on June 13, 2012 at 2:05 am

    Hi Rori

    I’m not even sure if this is the place to be writing this but i’m very very keen to hear your advice on something.

    I am in a relationship with a guy, have been for about 3 months ( having come out of a toxic relationship that i was in for 5 years).

    This guy is incredibly career minded and is always either studying or working as apposed to myself who doesnt have much going on atm, lost a lot of friends because of my prior relationship and am just feeling overly down about the whole situation.

    My trouble is however, 2 things! 1… i always seem to be jealous of his social life and his past ‘record’ with lots and lots of women, but also that he seems to dote on me and has told me several times that he wants to keep me around for a very long time and that i’m the best girlfriend he’s ever had and that if i ever need anything to just tell him, or if i have a problem to tell him so he can fix it and just seems to adore me but i never seem to believe him and i cant figure out why!… He will give me a wonderful compliment and that’ll be fine but then i’ll wonder why he’d do it, or whether he wants something or deep down whether the entire thing is just some joke with his flatmates because i’m slightly older and dont do the partying thing like he does and am settled into a mother sort of situation etc and more mature (he has kids too from an ex)… but i just cant seem to get my head around him actually wanting me and telling the truth when he says stuff.

    I do have severe self esteem issues from a crap childhood and ‘never being good enough’ but i dont want to ruin my relationship because of it…

    Any help at all would be sooo appreciated!
    Love all your stuff btw, you are a joy to behold
    Many thanks in advance

  71.  #71Rori Raye on June 13, 2012 at 10:43 am

    Helen – Welcome – and here’s the thing to work on: …as apposed to myself who doesnt have much going on atm…” If you have nothing going on, you have no choice but to get crazy over him. Get yourself fulfilled on a moment-by-moment and long-term basis, and he’ll drift back into soft-focus – where he should be in your mind. Love, Rori

  72.  #72Helen on June 23, 2012 at 1:47 am

    Hi Rori

    I messaged you a week or so ago and you were very useful with you feedback in regards to keeping myself busy etc and making a life for myself so that i dont think so much about my partner.

    I have been doing this and filling my time with more meaningful things but my trouble is that my partner is always SO MUCH BUSIER than me! he is an entrepreneur and is very successful at it, plus studying full time at university, he has 2 children of his own and is very career orientated and although i’m finding things to do with my time, i’ll admit i’m a little jealous of his drive as i’m a sort of cruise along and change what interests me every few days kinda person, but i wonder if he’ll always be too busy. Although that said i do hear a voice in my head now that says “Be a siren and make him make time to be with you”… It’s very hard work waiting though isnt it!

    I did say the other day though that i felt like i didnt have anyone and he said “You have me, you have me 100%”…. prehaps he doesnt realise how lonely it is not having something to do every second of the day like him…. Any thoughts Rori? I’d love your input
    Helen xx