Circular Dating Will Get You More Love Than You Can Imagine Because It’s Therapy

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Here’s a simple question with a huge answer – to reframe the entire notion of “dating” for you…

Rori, Ive done circular dating in the past 3 or 4 men at a time …but i ended up feeling tired an hopeless when nothing good showed up …i felt defeated…Marika

Yeah – but Circular Dating isn’t about meeting good men.

It’s about USING every interaction with any man – at the market – anywhere – no matter who they are or what they look like – to raise your self esteem and start finding and sorting through and healing these patterns of being attracted to unavailable men and men who just can’t do the job of relationship.

If you interact with 100 men in a week – you’re going to learn more and heal more than years of therapy.

Sometimes a 30 second interaction in a market or the gym – where you REALLLY PRADCTICE – BEING PRESENT, FEELING MESSAGES -Sensual Meditation – ALL OF IT —-is worth more to you therapeutically than dating one man for months….

Marika – NOTHING, NO ONE is a CURE!!

You have to do this yourself…using skills and Tools and AWARENESS and Behavior Modification…This is in your hands.

You hire people to give you skills and insights and do things with you that HELP you do what you need to do. Even EFT – you learn to do it for yourself – but having someone else do it with you is way more powerful.

It’s like getting a haircut and your all-over grooming. You can do it ALL yourself. But when a really, really good professional does it for you – or shows you HOW to use makeup and hair Tools – it’s a whole different experience and you get better results every day. But you STILL have to do it!!

You can’t have hair and makeup come to your house every day. But after a while – you get really, really good at it, and you learn your own face and hair and end up better than nearly anyone – until another hair and makeup person shows you something NEW!!!

My Targeting Mr. Right program is about the nuts-and bolts of Circular Dating so that you can let go of looking for some kind of result in your OLD way – and instead – feel incredible because of the immediate result you WILL get – feeling so much stronger and in control of your love life, working through “men” in a way that empowers you and gives you the practice you need in being more emotionally open, more vulnerable, and more in love with yourself.

There’s a lot of free information about Circular Dating on the catalog page for “Targeting” – so feel free to go there and read…

Love, Rori

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  1.  #1StarLight on June 22, 2010 at 2:53 pm

    Thank you, Rori…Sirens just TRUST and let go enough to do this Rori’s way for 30 days – not part way, not kinda, not picking & choosing what you’ll do, what do you have to lose if you do it her way instead of the old, comfortable way???? You’ll feel amazed at what can happen 🙂

    CD is AMAZING; IT’S SO true; I feel my vibe changing a bit each day, getting softer & softer & more open – I am Beauty, I am Love, I am Femininity, I am Open & Adored… and my world feels different! I feel so HAPPY I have grown leaps & bounds over the past 2 weeks, men are SHOWING UP at my house and texting/emailing. It truly, truly works!

    I am confident good things will continue to happen but you have to put yourself out there without thoughts of meeting THE ONE right away 🙂 love & hugs

  2.  #2gina on June 22, 2010 at 7:41 pm

    I feel tempted to pick. Very tempted. But I came here instead. As I read the article my desire went down to about a 3. I’m fine sitting here typing. But I feel very anxious about going back to the bathroom to shower – the desire to pick goes back up to a 5.

    I feel tight in my neck. I feel solid ground beneath my feet. My initial image was that I am at the base of several mountains, each which represent a journey. And then I wondered if I could turn around to discover that I am at the edge of cliff – I’m already at the top of the world from this perspective. I could fling myself over the edge, or turn around to face my options moving forward. Is there a way to walk straight ahead, without dealing with the hassle of a mountain? Would that be more desirable? Is satisfaction based on the glory of the climb. Or, could I walk straight ahead and enjoy a comfortable stroll? Heck, maybe sometimes I would choose to run, if only to show off.

  3.  #3gina on June 22, 2010 at 7:50 pm

    Maybe I can’t go straight ahead, but I could walk around the mountain, instead of over it. I wonder if that would take longer? I wonder if, from the ground, would I care about the moment of glory experienced by those who climbed the mountain? Yes, I would feel jealous that I never could experience the exileration of seeing the world from that height, but I might also be glad I didn’t suffer. Or maybe not. Maybe I would suffer from boredom, which doesn’t lead to glory.

  4.  #4gina on June 22, 2010 at 9:14 pm

    I just got of the phone with D – I noticed that I talked a lot about things I worry about. It felt kind of bad to talk negative – I think I didn’t feel worthy of feeling happy cause I don’t think I’ve accomplished enough, and I feel antsy about what to aspire to, and then, lately, I get excited about somethings and then lose interest. Like auditioning for Snow White – I got super excited about the idea of playing Snow White and felt determined to audition at the local theater. But when I was 12, I got rejected by that theater in a crummy way, so my parents raised a little bit of hell. I think the director of the school is still there, and I am scared to go to the audition cause I don’t want her to be sitting there with another chance to reject me. Is this a time to face my fear or is this a situation I don’t need to put myself in??

  5.  #5Laura on June 22, 2010 at 11:22 pm

    RORI (and ladies)
    I have come across a situation that I am at a loss as to how to process it……..or handle it in a Siren”y” way. I have been crying since I found out….a few hours ago….and it is not anything I can even share with my friends because of the personal nature.

    In a nutshell…..I met a wonderful man a year and a half ago. We fell in love and have had some bumps in the rode (his undiagnosed depression and ADD) but we have worked it all out. We too a break for a month in March but missed each other so much we got back together and it has been wonderful. I am 50….he 52. Both my kids are in college. He has one grown and one in HS. Both of his are boys. We share all the same friends and love each other deeply.
    BUT….the last few weeks….he had been acting very shady. Not at all like him and because I know him so well….I KNEW there was something up. He was not answering the phone when I called sometimes and when we were together he was checking his texts a lot. When I mentioned it….he was VERY defensive. FINALLY….he said…”There is something going on but I am not ready to opend up about it yet….just give some time.” Saturday night we went out and had a fabulous time…..he spent the night and we made love all night. Today…Tuesday….he asked me to meet him to talk about what is going on.
    He opened a briefcase with pictures of a young teen girl….18. He had pasted a bunch of them next to his sons. He told me that before he married his second wife….he had dated this woman for 2 years. But he ended things with her because…although she was nice….he wasn’t sure. He got married…she was married at the time…and since she wasn’t getting divorced….they broke-up and never spoke again.

    The made contact on FB 3 weeks ago. She is now divorced and had a pic of her daughter on line. He said he knew right away that she was his! They…the Mom and he have been together ever since. They have yet to tell the daughter or do DNA testing but he is over the moon about this girl and said to me “I love you but I have to do everything in my power to get a relationship with her before she leaves for college in the fall. I want her to get to know me and to eventually introduce her to her brothers. If that means that I am with her Mom now….then that is how it has to be.” This woman kept this daughter a secret for 18 years to keep her husband from freaking out and now that she is divorced she goes after the “real” Dad for the relationship she always wanted.
    He said that he is not denying that he is angry with the “baby momma” somewhere inside himself but he is wanting to put that aside to try and make a miracle happen…….
    What do I DO?????????? Be his friend? Cut him off?
    i feel like I am in a soap opera!!!
    Thanks in advance!

    Tuesday, 22 June 2010 @ 8:32pm

  6.  #6joan on June 23, 2010 at 12:07 am

    @Laura — I feel sad. It IS a YUCKY situation that you have. I’m afraid I won’t be much help in how to handle this situation in a “Sireny” way as I am fairly new here and have not been able to purchase any of Rori’s programs (yet). For now, I’m just trying to glean what I can from the blog posts and the comments.

    You said that he told you:
    I love you but I have to do everything in my power to get a relationship with her before she leaves for college in the fall. I want her to get to know me and to eventually introduce her to her brothers. If that means that I am with her Mom now…then that is how it has to be.

    My gut feeling is that you have to take him at his word. It’s likely a no-win situation to try to get between a parent and his child (even if he doesn’t really know her yet). His daughter is going to college in the Fall, which is only a few months away. Sure, it’s POSSIBLE that, once the daughter is gone, his “interest” in the mother will fade as he realizes what she has caused him to miss over the years with his daughter – assuming that DNA confirms she is his daughter!?!?

    That said, you don’t have to wait for him either. Use the time to figure out whether you would even want to take him back. I’m sure the others will be able to help you with Feeling Messages or Speeches that you can use with him.

    Don’t deny the feelings. Let yourself cry, vent, whatever for as long as you need. I haven’t tried the Riffing Tool yet, but I believe the posts on “riffing” are in the Power and Self-Esteem section. I believe Daria has previously indicated that you have to go back to the older posts in that category and work forward to get the gist of the process.


  7.  #7Ankita on June 23, 2010 at 12:30 am

    I feel so happy..Vishal called me…

    I feel stuck too… I feel afraid of my happiness… He is my ex’s junior… I never told him about my past… I just told him we were casual net pals….

    I don’t have enough courage to tell him that I was his senior’s gf once, and that he did rape me too, on occasions…. I feel afraid I will lose him…

    I feel guilty of my happiness…

    It’s evident to Vishal that I like him… We flirt too…. We aren’t dating yet, but he knows clearly I like him and has even hinted on it….

    Mimi Tanner always says that tell as less as possible about your past….
    But I feel afraid as to what will happen if someday he gets to know it from his senior? Though it’s really less likely, but I feel afraid…

    To be frank and honest, I always tried to stay away from him, but I found that the more I try to ignore him, the more we come close..
    * When I sent him request for add, I had also gone after 12 hours to withdraw it, but by then, he had already accepted it…
    * I once commented on his photos, and again I went to withdraw it, but by then, he had seen and replied to it…

    He was the one who asked for my number… (He talks to other girls too)….

    I try to run away from him, but I feel like he has tied a rope in my waist, which doesn’t allows me to go too far from him, as after the extended limit, I am back to him with a clash and smash, together….., just like a rubber band…. I don’t understand…. IS UNIVERSE SENDING ME SOME MESSAGE THROUGH THIS “RUN AND BACK” SITUATION????

    I feel happy to talk to him… I feel I like him….
    But I feel afraid about my past..
    I feel bad about my past, it wasn’t my fault, I was really a innocent girl, who my ex’s fooled…. Then why should I be deprived of happiness? What’s my fault? Is my virginity everything to him? Who am I as a PERSON doesn’t matters to him? I feel stuck… & I also feel angry….
    I make the wish sometimes that it would have been really good if my ex never came in my life, but then, just coz of that experience I am a changed person now… I learnt some really good lessons of life, but it did cost me my virginity…

  8.  #8Ankita on June 23, 2010 at 12:37 am

    I feel like a stupid too.. Vishal did push my buttons, and hence I told out what I want in guys…. And most of the things did match with him… yuck….

    I don’t wanna let him think that am hinting at him… Coz I am not doing that… These qualities are what I truly want in guys, and it’s a mere co-incidence that he has 8 out of 10 in him….

    I also did tell him that having a fairytale kind of love story is what I want, and that my parents wanna marry me before I turn 30… I hope it didn’t scare him, coz I was being completely authentic…..


  9.  #9StarLight on June 23, 2010 at 7:28 am


    ((HUGS)) to you; I feel sad for you, I feel tight in my tummy … RELAX!! Lean back, breathe, and give yourself room to heal & grow!

    I feel what Rori wrote above is SO IMPORTANT … I feel AAGGGHHHH please focus on her advice – she really DOES know what will help. These men coming in now are NOT Mr. Right, they are here to help us be ready for him when he does show up:

    “Yeah – but Circular Dating isn’t about meeting good men. It’s about USING every interaction with any man – at the market – anywhere – no matter who they are or what they look like – to raise your self esteem and start finding and sorting through and healing these patterns of being attracted to unavailable men and men who just can’t do the job of relationship.”

    I feel anxious !

  10.  #10Jilly on June 23, 2010 at 8:10 am

    Starlight….reading your posts actuallly makes me relax into myself…;) so thank you! Keep posting because I feel such a great energy and truth about your posts.

  11.  #11Laura on June 23, 2010 at 8:49 am

    Thank you so much for reaching out with support and a hug. I would have been totally supportive of BF desire to get to know this alleged child. But to DUMP me in order to “look good” for this mom is beyond hurtful. Not to mention he told me this bomb shell 20 minutes before we had a softball game with all our friends and I had to go play with no chance to process this and couldnt say anything. Soon he will announce it to our friends and bring this woman into our group too. I know I am not waiting for anyone. Trusting anyone again with my heart will be so hard.
    Thanks again for your kind words…

  12.  #12Jilly on June 23, 2010 at 8:56 am

    ok ladies…here’s an interesting little story 😉 So I’ve been leaning back with this guy for (I’ll call him Bill)…about a month now. We met for a coffee date two weeks ago and I felt we had a good time and I’m attracted to him which is good and he did the follow up email the next day and then I emailed him back and said he can only text or call me now…no more emailing (in a playful way) and he emailed me anyway…so I just didn’t respond because I get the feeling women just do what he wants. Then last night he emailed me saying..
    him: I can’t believe you just blew me off…I’m bummed
    me (this morning): ummm…I said call or text me…how is that blowing you off? I don’t want anymore email buddies 😉 I have plenty of those already…what do you think?
    him: in a TEXT! 10 mins later….I want and need to see you again!

    Wow! so how’s that for leaning back!!! I love it!
    To be continued….

  13.  #13Jilly on June 23, 2010 at 9:06 am

    Laura…I feel sad too. I feel mad too…I wish there was something I could say to help…I would get out there and circular date my head off even if I didn’t feel like it and I would lean back like never before…and read through as many of these posts as possible…that always helps me…

    we are all here for you!!!!

  14.  #14Siena on June 23, 2010 at 9:13 am

    Laura, yucky is right!

    Did you receive Rori’s e-newsletter today? It said, “You don’t want HIM – you want a REAL RELATIONSHIP.”

    If I were in your situation, (and I would feel horrible, but this would feel like the ‘right’ thing to do) I would try to say (or maybe even write, because it would be difficult for me)

    “I feel so good with you when we’re together, but I feel hurt that you would even consider choosing your baby mama over me. I don’t want to stay in a place that is hurtful for me, so I am going to remove myself from this situation.”

    and then leave. There’s NO WAY I would hang around as his friend or ANYTHING while he’s deciding whether he wants to be with the baby mama.

    …and then start dating others. And then when he comes back, see what his ‘plan’ is, and if it fits into what I want in my relationship.

    It’s not about the child – all that would be good and fine – it’s the part about “if it means being with her mother, that’s what I will do.”

    WHAT!? NO WAY!

    I call foul on this guy!

    Hugs to you!

  15.  #15Brenda on June 23, 2010 at 9:39 am

    Gina, RE: #4 – Auditioning

    I read recently that at the end of our lives, the things we will regret won’t be the things we did, but the things we didn’t do!

    Go for it! Look her in the eye as an adult and smile!

  16.  #16Brenda on June 23, 2010 at 9:46 am


    So sorry your heart was broken so terribly. I feel your pain. I agree with Siena.


  17.  #17Brenda on June 23, 2010 at 9:51 am


    I am happy for you that you are getting along so well with Vishal, and that you talked for a long time! I think it’s fine that you told him what you would like in a relationship!

    You are fine to not tell him yet about his senior (does this mean his father?). That is not lying. There is honesty, and there is deep honesty. You only share your deep honesty with someone you trust and want an intimate relationship with…AT THE RIGHT TIME.

    You can decide when that right time is for you. For me, it would definitely be sometime before we marry. Or just when the subject comes up. But no rule says you have to tell him before he’s ready. Just think thru the scenarios about when would be the best time, because it would be far better for him to learn it from you than from his senior.

    And please let the guilt go in the corner and feed it a cookie! Yes, you were an innocent girl who was decieved and raped. You meant well. You are fine. A decent man would accept you exactly the way you are, even if you had another lover.

    Let yourself feel free to feel happiness! You deserve it!


  18.  #18Laura on June 23, 2010 at 10:02 am

    Jilly, Siena and Brenda-
    Ohhhhhhhhhhhh………..I am still in bed……it is raining and I feel weak and pathetic and LEFT and sad AND angry and like EVERY man in my life (Father included) has left me and moved on brilliantly. I trusted this man with my heart and was so THERE for him…as he was me. And now he is GONE. Told me yesterday and it feels like a hit and run. I agree…I am all for his reunion with this possible child. But to dump me for the Mom…….a women he hasn’t been with in 18 years….who LIED to her husband that this was HIS daughter and LIED to him and deprived him and lied to her child. OHHHHHHH…..I am hurting. I would NEVER do that to anyone!! Why does it keep happening to me? And why do selfish, self-serving women seem to always come out on top??
    I can’t CD yet…….I feel empty…..
    But I feel lucky to have your support today.

  19.  #19Brenda on June 23, 2010 at 10:10 am


    I hope you find healing here at Siren Island.

    Ryan broke my heart last July, and I am only starting to feel ready to date again as of the last couple months.


  20.  #20Turtle Girl on June 23, 2010 at 10:19 am


    Run away. This feels really terrible. He lacks integrity. This may indeed be a big deal and he does need to figure out how to handle all of this-a large life changing event. However-dumping you is really not right. Something else is going on. Just my humble opinion. Cd. Cd. Get your energy out of there and let him figure his own shit out.

  21.  #21Turtle Girl on June 23, 2010 at 10:20 am

    Selfish self serving women? We don’t know ANY of the circumstance about what happened, why and this women may not be such a bad gal. You only have his story. She may indeed be a total B-but she may be a really good woman who had her own reasons for doing what she did. Hard to say. Hmmmmmmmmm.

  22.  #22Laura on June 23, 2010 at 10:29 am

    My view from my bed-
    Turtle girl- It does feel like a lack of integrity and like something else is going on. Now I miss the person I thought was my best friend. He is a stranger to me. I was not JUST talking about his Baby mama but of course……you are right. I know nothing except what he chose to share. and she is not my problem.
    Brenda…….thanks sweetie. As soon as you said i should stay in bed…I feel like maybe I can get out a bit. I know about taking a long time to feel HEART-ready to start CD. I needed over a year after my last 4 year relationship ended before I could open up to a man. Sadly…..THIS was the man I opened up to.
    I feel like I want to be a “turtle girl” now and live in a shell. SAFE………xo

  23.  #23Brenda on June 23, 2010 at 10:40 am


    My reverse psychology worked! 🙂 Nah, just kidding. I used to feel guilty about staying in bed all day reading a book when I was depressed. I shared it with my therapist and she told me it was good, because I was taking care of myself.

    I just wish I could afford to REALLY take care of myself and take a month off to get my life in order…and my heart.

  24.  #24Brenda on June 23, 2010 at 10:44 am

    Here’s the ending to the story about Nerd.

    He plagued me with texts all last evening, and I just told him straight up how I felt at every turn. For example, he said, “I hope this friendship/relationship works”.

    I responded, “I hope you look at this as practice.”

    He didn’t get it and said, “Oh goody! LOL!”

    He said, “I want to find my rainbow.”

    I said, “I think you should look at me like the path to your rainbow, not the rainbow itself.”

    He still didn’t get it. I was trying to avoid being cruel while not leading him on. I straight out offered to be like a dating coach to him, because he’ll never find a woman at the rate he’s going.

    He even misunderstood that and asked, “So do you want to date or don’t you?”

    Finally I said, “I am sorry, but I don’t feel attracted to you. I would be happy to go out with you and give you pointers for future dating tho.” I also recommended David Wygant to him, a male dating coach. He said thank you but no. He wants a girlfriend.

    Can’t say I didn’t try.

  25.  #25dorothea on June 23, 2010 at 10:56 am

    oh brenda, you did help him by being your honest self.

    i’m glad he didn’t take you up on your overfunctiony offer. he knows what he wants. you helped him get there by being honest that you’re not attracted to him. nice work girl! you both took care of yourselves yay i feel good about the world

  26.  #26Violet on June 23, 2010 at 11:14 am

    I’m so touched by this story… and I relate so strongly to the feeling of being dumped…

    but it’s also so obvious! to me and to all of us, this “man” is apparently not qualified to make you happy. Daddy Boy I would name him. The nameless hoard of men who would love you meet you, gaze into the magic of your eyes… they deserve a chance. There are thousands of them.

    Perhaps there is one, who wonders often, why do lovely women waste time on these oafs? Your preference – and mine – for total jackasses… is a mystery to this man. I like to imagine him, fantasizing about me. 😉

  27.  #27Brenda on June 23, 2010 at 11:31 am

    Dorothea, thanks!

  28.  #28Laughing goddess on June 23, 2010 at 11:50 am

    Blah! I feel so bad. I went to this party last night and this one woman was so snotty to me. I feel sad. I feel bad. I feel mad!

    I feel pissed that I am letting this one girl’s behavior bum me out. There were so many people there that were so sweet. In fact I really felt good around all of them except for this one person. I feel disappointment that I am focused one this one person when there were so many other sweet people there.

    Our first interaction was awkward but I didn’t think much about it. Then we kept having more and more interactions and I finally realized that it felt downright hostile.

    I know there is a message here.


    I feel bad when women are bitchy to me. I can’t think of anything I dis to her to deserve that. She is super young and seems to think she is too cool to be kind to someone who is not in her “clique”.

    Wow! It felt really horrible to be treated that way. I feel really sad.

    I feel better thinking that next time I will focus on connecting with all the other sweet people and just ignore her. Not in a mean way, just in a “hey, I’m going to focus my energy on people who are nice to me kind of way.


    I feel horrible and sad and unworthy and bad!!!

  29.  #29Laughing goddess on June 23, 2010 at 12:10 pm

    I feel pissed that I am letting this one person who I don’t even really know affect my day. I want my day back!

  30.  #30dorothea on June 23, 2010 at 12:28 pm

    laughing goddess do you remember where we were talking about committing to LI’s? I can’t find it and have been looking.

  31.  #31Sweetpea on June 23, 2010 at 12:30 pm

    Joan – from what I’ve seen, you do quite well on Feeling Messages. I was way impressed with the one you practiced out for Brenda’s situation!

  32.  #32Lucy on June 23, 2010 at 12:31 pm

    LG, that has happened to me before, too. Yuck. Maybe it’s a reminder to not take things personally. (I’ll have to remember that next time it happends to me!)

    Brenda, great job with N. 🙂

  33.  #33Turtle Girl on June 23, 2010 at 1:06 pm

    Awww…….Laura-I am Turtle Girl because I go slow and steady and methodical in my life. Not because I hide in the shell to feel safe……….I am so sorry you are feeling bad. I have been there over men so many times. This is why the cd thing really really really does work. I took a lover, but I am still dating other men and it has been impossible for me to get attached to just one this way. The cd stuff works great. I can open my heart to all these guys, and yet none have I given my heart away too and invested in. There is a huge difference. I gave my heart to a very toxic man, got my arse kicked and then had to heal up. I learned a HUGE lesson and when I found Rori things got way better….xxxxxoooooo

    We can’t get our hearts broken if we don’t give them to men who don’t really love and want to be with us.

  34.  #34Lucy on June 23, 2010 at 1:11 pm

    Turtle Girl — “Slow and steady” reminds me of my 20 yo son’s latest goofy made-up saying: “Fair and square wins the race — but not every time.”

  35.  #35T.R. on June 23, 2010 at 1:15 pm


    I have written in the past, but it has been a few months. I have been seeing a guy for 5 months. I agreed to be exclusive with him only after he asked. He has been wonderful, he is always giving to me and constantly tells me how in love he is and how much he adores me. We have had a few conversations about what we both want and I told him that I want a family. I have circular dated, but maybe not as much as I should. I go on coffee dates and I date myself.
    Last night we had a serious conversation, with me stating that I want to have children some day. He stated that he could see that with us, but he wants to make sure. (He has children from a previous marriage). I feel like the reins are now in his hands and I can now feel myself starting to worry about him being the one who decides the timeline.
    I have listened to the Modern Sirens and Reconnect your relationship in the past and found both very helpful. Woud you suggest Targeting Mr. Right or Committment Blue Print next, with my situation in mind? And, if you have any further insights that you could post it would feel really good to hear them.


  36.  #36Laughing goddess on June 23, 2010 at 1:24 pm

    Hey Dorothea! Ya, I will find it after I write this. I saw what you wrote about us being in the similar places with our respective LI and I really wanted to talk more about that but then I got super busy and this is the first I’ve posted since. It feels great to have support and understanding. I am definitely feeling some confusion at this stage of relationship…the transition between dating and heading towards commitment.

  37.  #37Lucy on June 23, 2010 at 1:34 pm

    Is it Leaning Forward to add a guy to your Favorites list before any contact has been made? — when the intent is to get yourself on his radar?

  38.  #38Laughing goddess on June 23, 2010 at 1:39 pm

    Dorothea: it’s in The Good Wife thread….#623 and that area. I loved what you said about pining and I totally identify with what you said.

    I would love to explore that further. Have to leave for band practice soon but let’s figure this out 🙂

  39.  #39Laughing goddess on June 23, 2010 at 1:45 pm

    Hey Lucy! It felt good to read your post. I feel supported and understood.

    Blah! I agree. It’s a good message not to take thinks personally but it just felt so bad to have someone treat me so crappy for no reason other than I wasn’t part of her clique. Blah! It felt so gross!

    I don’t want to get caught up in the story. I want to remember my tools like “don’t take things personally”.

    Thanks for the reminder! 🙂

  40.  #40Siena on June 23, 2010 at 2:34 pm

    So I have an email sitting in my inbox from The Man that I haven’t responded to. Every time I go to respond, I pause and don’t want to.

    I’ve waited 6 months (not actively waiting) for him to come around, and now that he’s here, I don’t have anything to say to him.

    I feel confused. I feel a little happy to hear from him, but realize that I feel a little hurt still by how things went down all those months ago.

    I know I should tell him those things, but I really don’t want to. I don’t want drama and bad feelings.

    hmmm. I don’t want to ignore him either, although he basically ignored me for many months.

    I know I have to continue CDing, and this is why he was brought to me now. But I feel frozen, deer-in-headlights.

    What to do?

    I wonder what I should do?

  41.  #41dorothea on June 23, 2010 at 2:35 pm

    i work in a public position and EVERYONE’S a damn critic. i do not have a very thick skin and constantly see news stories related to me or including me and the public can comment on them in the online versions of these news outlets… sometimes it’s people i know and i have to keep facing them.

    i fake being strong. i put my chin up. everyone’s a critic. fuck them (even though i take it ALL to heart)

  42.  #42Siena on June 23, 2010 at 2:36 pm

    “You know, it’s funny M. I have your email sitting in my inbox, and a part of me feels happy to see it there. But another part still feels a little hurt about how things went down. So I guess I’m confused and don’t know how to respond, other to say that I’m happy things are going well for you… what do you think?”

    …Can I say that to him after all this time?

  43.  #43dorothea on June 23, 2010 at 2:36 pm

    i work in a public position and EVERYONE’S a damn critic. i do not have a very thick skin and constantly see news stories related to me or including me and the public can comment on them in the online versions of these news outlets… sometimes it’s people i know and i have to keep facing them.

    i fake being strong. i put my chin up. everyone’s a critic. f*ck them (even though i take it ALL to heart)

  44.  #44Emily on June 23, 2010 at 3:05 pm

    Sienna, I think you can say that. It is perfectly authentic! And not making anyone wrong…

  45.  #45Sweetpea on June 23, 2010 at 3:09 pm

    Siena – my new rule is that I don’t respond to an email until I’m comfortable with what I want to say. It doesn’t hurt them to wait (although there have been a few guys who shut down their accounts before I get back to them. C’mon! I don’t take THAT long! Lol). Seriously though, usually within 3 or 4 days I know & am comfortable with my message. That being said, not knowing what his email says, it’s hard to know for sure, but I think your message is good.

  46.  #46Sweetpea on June 23, 2010 at 3:11 pm

    Dorothea – I worked for the DA’s office for awhile. I didn’t even read any of that stuff cuz it got under my skin, too.

  47.  #47Lizzie on June 23, 2010 at 4:04 pm

    Turtle Girl – my heart is bleeding for you and I shall send you warm hugs over the internet. I have felt the terrible pain of betrayal. It is the oddest feeling to try to explain – it rocked me to the core of my being and left me feeling defenseless, flattened, profoundly sad. I wrote in my journal that the flame of life in my soul was only a tiny flicker of a red ember starved of oxygen and covered with blackness. I felt the need of someone else who had strength to hold my heart gently in their hands and breathe into me to keep the embers from going out completely – and they did. My “accompaigneur” held my heart, listened to my anguish, and walked with me for a while. We here can do that for you.

    You see, I was married to a gay man for 17 years. He had put so much effort into maintaining a false facade! I had no idea – well actually I think I knew all along but didn’t pay attention to the signs after-all we had adopted 2 kids together and ran a business together. But it all came crashing to an end. People asked me if I was angry and how did I cope. The reality was not anger, it was betrayal – everything I ever believed about relationships, honour, trust, togetherness, friendship – poof ! gone! The pain was so much that it actually manifest in my body – I dislocated a rib! and the pain of healing travelled from my neck to my feet and then out my feet. Move through your anguish, move through the betrayal, label all the feelings in you body that are part of betrayal. Breathe them out of your body. Look after your body first and when you are ready to CD, just go for it! Trust is something you do for yourself.

  48.  #48Lizzie on June 23, 2010 at 4:08 pm

    Augh! this is so bad!!! Turtle Girl I thought the betrayal is yours – it is Laura! so Laura this is for you.
    I am so sorry!

  49.  #49Jilly on June 23, 2010 at 4:21 pm

    Siena..I feel that your message sounds good too

  50.  #50Laughing goddess on June 23, 2010 at 4:54 pm

    Siena: I feel good about your message. The only thing I would leave out is the beginning part

    “you know, it’s funny M”

    when I read that I felt a little off. In a situation like that I feel better when I am really literal with my words or intentionally poetic. For me, that phrase feels fuzzy because he may not know and it’s not necessarily funny. I feel really good about the rest of it. It feels authentic and real and non-blaming.

    They always come back around don’t they 🙂

  51.  #51Laura on June 23, 2010 at 5:19 pm

    I just got home from work and read you post to Turtle Girl. My first thought was “Oh no…..did I miss something that she is going through? And then I thought “wow….how beautifully articulate you are and how healing your post was and how proud I am to be a woman and be able to be in community with such wonderful, empathic, strong women. I was also struck by what you went through… broke a rib? Leaving your heart vulnerable….metaphorically. I broke a rib only once in my life and it was after my Mom died. THEN….i saw you meant the post for ME!!
    I smiled…..and felt the hug for all of us. Because ultimately….I had felt better just reading your words to someone else. I feel lucky to feel a good feeling today….you all helped ladies! Where ever you are….know that karma and our lessons learned and growth absorbed….will equal happiness and love. Until then….wine and ice-cream works too! xoxoxo

  52.  #52Laura on June 23, 2010 at 5:23 pm

    Since i am having a moment of not feeling my own pain…I thought I would hurry and reach out to you (before another wave of emotion knocks me down). My initial feeling reading you post about email was a visual…..I get a sense of it as a Pandora’s Box right now for you. If Pandora had exercised the caution you are now….things would have worked out way better. Your email to him is great….althoughI agree with the fact that I wouldn’t say “funny”. But also keep in mind you can send NO EMAIL. Keeping up boundries that are healthy is a good thing!!

  53.  #53Laura on June 23, 2010 at 5:29 pm

    Turtle Girl-
    SLOW….yep….slow and steady is a good way of being. I know that now…..but it is hard to CD. I get such bad dating ADHD. Lose momentum and interest in the men i am seeing. It is more “fun” (aka-addicting) to be in love then in like or indifference. I would rather be home or with my friends. OY……but I hear ya sistah!

  54.  #54joan on June 23, 2010 at 5:39 pm

    @ Siena, re #40 – I am still practicing with Feeling Messages. I agree with LG about leaving about the “it’s funny” intro. Also, for me, the “I guess I am confused” feels as if you’re minimizing your “not so nice” feelings. A possible variation could be:

    M, Part of me feels happy to hear from you and glad that things are going well for you. But, another part of me still feels hurt and confused and unsure how to respond to you right now. What do you think?

    I feel curious, though. Are you really confused? Are you really happy that things are going well for him?

    As far as whether you can say it to him after all this time, are you truly detached from receiving any/no response from him?

  55.  #55Lizzie on June 23, 2010 at 5:50 pm

    you are so welcome Laura! I am working on learning how to do feeling conversations – wow is that ever difficult – I seem to be able to write them down when the feelings are “extreme” but I am a dead loss at the everyday level. I am so thankful for this group – I as well, am learning soooo much.

    All the very best to you.

  56.  #56joan on June 23, 2010 at 5:52 pm

    Siena – I went back and read your #39 again, and it give me a slightly different vibe from you.

    M, I feel confused. I feel a little happy to hear from you, but also feel a little hurt still by how things went down all those months ago. I don’t want drama and bad feelings. I don’t want to ignore you, but I don’t have anything to say to you. What do you think?

    Just me, still practicing . . . .

  57.  #57joan on June 23, 2010 at 5:54 pm

    ummm, typo … “gives” me a …

  58.  #58Lizzie on June 23, 2010 at 6:19 pm

    Oh my turn – how do I write a feeling message to a POF guy I just got a nice little note from asking how my week is going – how does this sound:

    Oh thanks! it feels thoughtful that you asked about my week – the two programs I launched came off really well and now I am feeling content that my clients are really happy.

    Jeez do I ever need editing – I am actually exhausted, hot, sweatty, over tired, crabby and really want a vacation, but it is really nice that he asked! HELP!

  59.  #59joan on June 23, 2010 at 6:40 pm

    Lizzie – re #52 – I’m with you on the part about using these Feeling Messages on an everyday level. Writing them is one thing, but delivering them is a whole ‘nother animal, especially when it’s in the “heat” of the feeling.

    I still have concerns about the specific words, “I feel”, being trigger words for hubby. I’ve had the experience of being triggered to the point of emotional flooding, and it’s a scary place to be. Fortunately, I was in my therapist’s office at the time, and he got me through it. But, I don’t have my therapist’s years of training and experience to help hubby if it were to happen with him.

  60.  #60Lizzie on June 23, 2010 at 6:50 pm

    OMG! my “missing” family guy just sent me a note! wholly molly – ok I am flooding with feelings now…over the moon with heart fluttering chest squeezing happiness! so how do I respond to this: Hey sunshine, how are you?

    how does this sound:
    I am feeling so happy to hear from you! It has been one hell of a week a mix of great highs with some clients and incredible sadness with the charity in trouble – I am feeling the need to have your arms wrap around me ….

  61.  #61EternalOptimist on June 23, 2010 at 6:57 pm


    I feel it says something positive about us whenever an ex wants to re-establish contact. Something special about you made him want to take the risk of reaching out to you after all these months. Much as it might trigger some bad memories surrounding the break-up, it now puts the power back in your hands. For me, it would help my hurt feelings heal faster if my ex were to attempt to pursue me again.
    I feel he deserves a response and I think your message or any variation of it sounds good.

    I believe Rori often says that if an ex comes back, you should date him along with all the others. Does he want to be back in your life?

  62.  #62EternalOptimist on June 23, 2010 at 6:59 pm

    No..please slow down!!
    Wait a while (days maybe) and think before responding.

  63.  #63dorothea on June 23, 2010 at 7:03 pm

    Sweetpea, if you worked for the DA, and I work for a drug reform campaign, does this make us political enemies? I feel amused. I feel exhilarated that you can be a siren no matter what your political or religious beliefs may be. Wooo, I want anti-legalization sirens on my island. I want EVERYONE, regardless of belief, to be a siren with me.

    My heart feels so swollen with love and pride for every lady here working with Rori’s teachings that my throat is nearly closing up.

    btw, as i sit and type this, a very handsome gentleman is in the kitchen cooking me dinner:D

  64.  #64Siena on June 23, 2010 at 7:12 pm

    Thanks all for your feedback, I really appreciate it!

    The Man is a good guy who just couldn’t “do” relationship (his words).

    I was hurt when he left, because it came out of nowhere when things were going really well (I thought – but this WAS before Siren Island, so who knows!?).

    So I do want to respond to him with something along the lines of what everyone has written here, and remain open to him… but it’s hard because he hurt me once and I’m really enjoying #1CD, and I don’t want old bad feelings to mess that one up.

    …they always come back around. Men ALWAYS come back!

    BTW, if he had been here 3-4 months ago, there would be no issue, I would be bouncing off the walls. But even that amount of CDing has shown me lots of men who CAN do relationship and who wouldn’t dream of hurting me… knowing that makes me really consider whether I want to remain open to him.

    Time will tell I guess! I’ll respond to him tomorrow, and let you know how it goes.

    Love Siena

  65.  #65Siena on June 23, 2010 at 7:22 pm

    So, I might say (leaving things about him out of it as much as possible)

    M, I feel happy to hear that things are going well for you! Seeing your email in my inbox has left me feeling a little confused… on one hand, I feel happy to have an email from you, but on the other hand, I still feel the remnants of hurt regarding how things went down. I feel unsure how to respond to you right now. What do you think?

  66.  #66Lizzie on June 23, 2010 at 7:22 pm

    Eternal Optimist – how come I must wait?

    Well maybe because I want to blather on and on? Or because you want to give me sound advice!? Alright….help me so I don’t self distruct a potentially lovely relationship…

  67.  #67EternalOptimist on June 23, 2010 at 7:46 pm


    I recall you’ve been agonizing over this man who you became intimate with and then didn’t here from him for days. How long has it been? You had been beating yourself up over this imaginary relationship (your words) which you took seriously. So, you already realized he wasn’t someone you could invest in emotionally, at least not yet.

    Finally, he sends you a one liner.

    And off you go with an over enthusiastic (almost sounds like you’re grateful to hear from him) forward leaning email, much longer than his. Your energy towards him feels strong.

    I’m still learning here and I’d like to hear what the more experienced sirens have to say about your response. If I were you, I would wait at least a day and respond with a one line simple feeling msg.
    like…It feels good to hear from you, I’m doing very well.
    What do you think, Lizzie?

  68.  #68Laughing goddess on June 23, 2010 at 8:15 pm

    Lizzie: I agree with exactly what EO says above. I’d write more but she said it so well, I feel redundant repeating it again. 🙂

  69.  #69joan on June 23, 2010 at 8:17 pm

    Lizzie – Pretty much what EO said. For me, it was the line, “I am feeling the need to have your arms wrap around me ….”

    A lot of this is “off the cuff” for me since I don’t have any of the programs or the ebook. Plus, being married, I’m not doing the full-out CD thing à la the Single Sirens. (The jury is still out on whether I’m relieved or jealous on that tool. 😉 )

    I seem to recall, though, that Rori advised somewhere that when you’re CDing that you treat all men the same and accept/set the dates in order as they’re requested — not giving preferential treatment based on who you like more. I would *think* the same concept would apply to emails. The POF guy wrote to you first. If you haven’t replied to POF guy yet, then do so before Family Guy.

  70.  #70Laughing goddess on June 23, 2010 at 8:17 pm

    At band practice today I concentrated on drumming from my vagina and I have to say, it felt pretty amazing.

  71.  #71Laughing goddess on June 23, 2010 at 8:20 pm


    “btw, as i sit and type this, a very handsome gentleman is in the kitchen cooking me dinner:D”

    Me too! With his shirt off no less. Oooo, I feel turned on by his chest and abs and arms. Oh my!

  72.  #72Laughing goddess on June 23, 2010 at 8:22 pm

    Joan: good point about answering the emails in order and treating them all equally!

  73.  #73Brenda on June 23, 2010 at 8:24 pm

    TR – RE: #34 – I highly recommend Commitment Blueprint!

  74.  #74Brenda on June 23, 2010 at 8:29 pm

    Siena, RE: #39 – How bout telling the Man your real feelings?

    “I feel confused. I feel a little happy to hear from you, but I realize that I feel a little hurt still by how things went down all those months ago.

    I feel hesitant to tell you these things, because I don’t want drama and bad feelings.

    hmmm. I don’t want to ignore you either, although you basically ignored me for many months.

    I feel frozen, deer-in-headlights.”

    You’re brilliant! 🙂

  75.  #75Brenda on June 23, 2010 at 8:32 pm

    Dorothea, RE: #41 – Don’t let the emotionally unwell people of the world define who you are!

    When someone has negative opinions of you and your work, just say to yourself, “Dorothea, you are a wonderful woman! I love you and accept you exactly the way you are!”

    Who cares what they think? They don’t know the real you! It only matter what YOU think of you, what your closest loved ones think, and what God thinks. Let the rest go, like water off a duck’s back!

  76.  #76joan on June 23, 2010 at 8:36 pm

    Lizzie – re #55 – I’m not sure how much POF guy wrote to you, so I don’t know if this would be considered over-responding.

    Thanks for the note! It feels good to be asked about my week. The two programs I launched came off really well, and my clients are happy. I feel content, exhausted and ready for a vacation after so much work. How was your week?*

    *I’m not sure here. It seems that you can ask since he asked you first. I have trouble with always defaulting to “What do you think?” because it doesn’t always to seem to flow.

  77.  #77Siena on June 23, 2010 at 8:37 pm

    Bren, I like #71 a LOT! But The Man is a cowboy, a man of very few words, and I feel afraid that too many feeling messages will overwhelm him.

    So maybe I’ll break it up into 2 emails.

    Thank you love!

  78.  #78Lizzie on June 23, 2010 at 8:37 pm

    oh sirens, you are so correct! I will sleep on it and most likely do the 1 liner in the morning – lets see how about:

    Good morning! it feels lovely to hear from you! I have been very busy and all is well on my projects thanks and how are you doing?

    how does that sound? am I leaning back more effectively?

  79.  #79Ann on June 23, 2010 at 8:44 pm

    If you’re married you can still CD. CD is simply being friendly, staying open to all men, using feeling messages with everyone, which helps build my confidence, self esteem. It shows me how to love and trust myself.

  80.  #80Brenda on June 23, 2010 at 8:50 pm


    You’re welcome! How about this…

    “I feel confused. I feel a little happy to hear from you, but I realize that I feel a little hurt still by how things went down all those months ago. What do you think?”

    Siena…how do you feel about that? One thot I had even before I read your response to me is that, whether or not he will come back in your life in a big way again, it is at a very delicate place, a place that would be far better handled in person.

    He is probably feeling the waters by emailing you, to know if he is welcome to call you or invite you out. If you ask “What do you think?” at the end of a very basic feeling message, it will pretty much prompt him to contact you and discuss it. Or, if he sends you another email, you could say…

    It would feel good to find healing by discussing our past relationship with you, and I would feel more comfortable doing so in person. What do you think?”

    How do you feel about that, Siena?

  81.  #81Siena on June 23, 2010 at 8:59 pm

    Ok I sent it! A very short and simple version… now let’s see how that goes!

    It feels weird to use feeling messages with him, because I didn’t have a clue about them before when we were dating. I wonder what his response (if any, haha) will be. He might think I fell and hit my head LOL.

  82.  #82Siena on June 23, 2010 at 9:01 pm

    BTW, just watched The Bachelorette online. They should send them to working farms in Idaho, and see if they can fall in love there. Anyone can fall in love on an all-expense-paid trip around Europe. Jeez!

  83.  #83Brenda on June 23, 2010 at 9:08 pm


    LOL! I like your comment about Bachelorette! I feel the same way! It’s in the tuff times we really get to know each other. My brother and I went on many camping trips with young adult groups in the past. We used to agree that a camping trip separates the b*stards from the b*tches! LOL!

    Will you share what you finally decided on for a feeling message? I feel curious. I won’t get offended if you didn’t use what I said. It was yours to begin with anyway! Feeling messages are the best!!

  84.  #84EternalOptimist on June 23, 2010 at 9:11 pm


    I stand to be corrected but I would not ask “how are you doing?”

  85.  #85Jilly on June 23, 2010 at 9:47 pm

    So my “to be continued”…

    Bill called tonight and we had a goodnight chat and he is cooking me dinner on Friday night 😉 How fun is that? He is really fun to talk to…very open. I feel flirty and feminine 😉

  86.  #86Sweetpea on June 23, 2010 at 10:02 pm

    Dorothea – I worked for the DAs office before I relocated here – it was the only job I could find that would pay the bills in my hometown. I also worked for a couple of criminal defense attorneys.

    They loved it at the DAs office when I voiced my opinion about how stupid some of the laws were. Heehee. Anyway, I wouldn’t exactly say we’re on opposite sides of the fence. I haven’t found a job here yet (I’m in Denver too) so we’ll have to see which side I land on this time. Do you know of anyplace looking for a legal secretary or paralegal? 🙂

  87.  #87Sweetpea on June 23, 2010 at 10:07 pm

    Btw Dorothea & LG… I feel jealous. I don’t want to be left out of the man cooking for me situation. What do you think?

    I especially feel jealous of shirtless men with nice chests, abs & arms. I feel sad.

  88.  #88Ankita on June 23, 2010 at 11:06 pm

    Starlight & Brenda

    You guys know what happened last night????
    I was returning from a wedding.. It was some 10.30 PM, I saw a guy resembling my ex, and all of a sudden all my memories of moment spent with him came alive, i started crying in the bus, and all the while I was thinking, “I loved you so much. Who else will I be able to love? Who’ll love me? Who’s for me?”

    And you guys know what happened just then..!!

    Vishal called… I saw his number on cell showing, Vishal Calling…. And I was like, “IS UNIVERSE SENDING ME SOME MESSAGE? IT’S IMPOSSIBLE FOR US TO BE FOR EACH OTHER…. BUT IS HE FOR ME?”

    My mind stopped working that moment, i picked up his call, and said Hi…
    He asked, where are you? I replied, “Am returning from a wedding.”
    He sounded so worried, “So late night, and are you alone?”
    I, “No.. Am with mom-dad… can’t hear you clearly.”
    He, “Ok. I call you later.”

    then he waited for a long time for me to cut the phone. i didn’t. I was waiting for him. (Had got too emotional that time.) Then at last, he did cut the call…

  89.  #89Ankita on June 23, 2010 at 11:26 pm

    RE #17


    Senior is being referred to my ex. Though I know my ex, he is not the kind to kiss-and-tell, so he won’t do that. but I feel afraid for his friends, 2 of his friends did love me, and both got rejected, I feel afraid if they may not spill the beans. Both of them are like fuel to fire, and 1 of them is in his friend’s list.

    That’s why i try to keep minimum contact with him online…

    When we talked for the 1st time, he asked me if I had anything with Jai (my ex), i denied, but then he frightened me so much, i had to call my ex at 3AM and ask him to not tell him anything about us, he assured he won’t.

    I asked him what if I had a past, he said, “I won’t even talk to a girl who had a past with anyone. Why should I talk to such a person? Why are you asking this? Do you have one?”

    I replied, “No. Was just trying to gauge my position if I had a past,” and then I laughed and shrugged off, as no one has any evidence of us being together, no photos, no emails, no letters, nothing… All they have, is words…

    I feel standing on the mid-road, his senior raped me as I was his gf someday, and now I like him a lot. 🙁 🙁
    And am surely interested in taking this further, if he is also interested in me.

  90.  #90Ankita on June 23, 2010 at 11:44 pm



    Though I feel like I may tell him if it becomes really that urgent.. But before telling him anything, I wanna make sure this is going somewhere, if not, what’s the use telling him..!!

  91.  #91Ankita on June 23, 2010 at 11:56 pm

    Hello Sirens

    Last night I attended a wedding, there I met two guys.
    Awesome experience… and at some moments funny too….

    I was trying to find the washroom, the first one did help me find it, and stood outside while I was in, ensuring my safety.

    He asked the waiters to get me coffee, while i just stood in front of him, was also willing to escort me to bus stop. I was with him, when my grandma was looking for me, when she got me, she asked, “Where were you?” I pointed to him, “With that guy.”
    In answer, she just held my hand and got me down to dinner table with her, saying “you had enough with guys, now have some food,” that was so FUNNY of her.

    that guy did also follow me up to the bus, and gave his number, in a piece of paper, and pen. i don’t know how he managed to get it, but i appreciate his effort. though I am not interested i contacting him, but what do you all feel I should do?

    Now, comes the 2nd one, he was stopped dead in his tracks the moment he saw me, he stopped photographing the moment he saw me, and as he was 6 ft tall, I had to lift my head to see him, and as I saw him, I was stunned, and also stopped in my tracks on stairs, but then moved forward, and ignored him… Then nothing much happened, but when my grandma pulled me to her, I collided with that guy, and that was a OMG experience…..
    though I didn’t get to exchange my numbers with him, but I feel it would have been great…

    Right now, I feel great, I feel like a Siren, sitting on shores, making sailors crash their boat…..

  92.  #92mary on June 24, 2010 at 12:19 am

    Hello Siena,

    I’m also curious about what you wrote!

    I’m just signing on, as I’ve been traveling, and I was gonna say this:

    Why do you have to begin with feeling messages? Couldn’t you just get together with him and then share?

    I’ve been on the roller coaster with a guy who couldn’t do relationship.

    If he wanted to come back to me, he’d have to have had an epiphany of some kind. I might want to ask him about that up front… maybe even over the phone when he’s scheduling the date.

    I might have said something like, “wow. it’s been a long time. Some very exciting things are happening for me that I’d love to share with you. Have you had any epiphanies lately?”

    I do believe in feeling messages. But I also believe in the right time and the right place. If I share my feelings (the deepest part of me), I need to feel like the person is safe, someone I want to be intimate with, and that he or she might benefit or be receptive to that deepest part of me.

    I’d love to know what you said and how he responds!

  93.  #93Ankita on June 24, 2010 at 12:36 am

    RE # 85

    I feel so confused….
    Are we meant to be together? Was that the message universe was trying to send me when I was asking who is for me to love??
    Hell, no..
    How can we be together?
    Ankita and Vishal???????

    I feel attracted to Vishal just like a moth to light…
    I feel guilty I am attracted to him….
    I love my attraction though…

    One part of me runs towards him, and another runs away from him….

  94.  #94Ankita on June 24, 2010 at 12:40 am


    Even i feel curious to hear your feeling message…to him..!!

    To make my own message, i first read all of you people’s post, they help me a lot in dealing with my messages…

  95.  #95T.R. on June 24, 2010 at 12:51 am

    Hello Sirens,

    It is awesome to see so much support here! It is wonderful that there are so many women to talk to. I am hoping that I can get some suggestions from some of you sirens about what program would be most beneficial in my current situation. I posted above, but here is a quick snippet of the current situation. I have been seeing a guy for 5 months exclusively (after he asked to be exclusive). I have been circular dating some, but not a lot. I go on occastional coffee dates with other men and date myself. He has told me that he is in love with me. But now I can feel myself becoming more concerned about if we will be “happily ever after”. I don’t want to be feeling stuck, but I want to move things forward. Do you Sirens have a suggestion of which program would help in this situation, either committment blueprint or targeting mr. right?

    It would feel good to have some input from other ladies who may have been through something similar.

    Thanks Sirens!

  96.  #96Daria on June 24, 2010 at 2:51 am

    T. R. – you don’t actually need a program, you need to really Circular Date. Also, to practice being honest, IE if you and he have made an agreement you’re exclusive, I would let him know that I don’t want to be excluisve and will be seeing other men for lunch.

    Commitment Blueprint is a great program

  97.  #97Daria on June 24, 2010 at 3:04 am

    wow i had a dramatic end of the nite where the man i was seeing freakin got drunk and then acted all agressive and scary to me toward the end of the nite thas how he act when hes drunk which is why i avoid being around him when he does

    but this time he actually grabbed me and i thought he might actually hurt me and he grabbed me! when he was my boyfriend years ago, tho much more annoying when drunk he still never grabbed me or what not

    i feel sad and disappointed that he must have been or whatever hitting women now that feels unsafe

    i dont knwo that that can be “gotten over” very quickly by a dude, i mean when ive had dudes that hit me, i haven’t relaly with them felt 100 safe lookin back after that


    i feel heavy in my chest

  98.  #98Daria on June 24, 2010 at 3:07 am

    Mama’s Daily Fluff:
    “Love your mind as well as your body.”

    – Mama Gena

  99.  #99Ankita on June 24, 2010 at 3:34 am

    RE# 94


    I feel tight in my chest…. Are you gonna see him again? I mean, I feel… it’s quite unsafe….

    I feel scared of such a man….
    What do you think?

  100.  #100Ankita on June 24, 2010 at 3:39 am

    Hey Sirens

    I just listened to a podcast by Alison Armstrong

    She said,

    “There are 4 kinds of relationship models.
    1) Legacy- The main aim of the marriage is to reproduce children and think what’s best for them.
    2) Companionship- More recent it is, the main aim of marriage is to be together all the time, no matter what.
    3) Support- When you enjoy your time together, but still maintain a life that has nothing to do with your partner, and he/she supports you in your career and other fields you wanna grow.
    4) Karma- When you want a a partner who can push your buttons, and help to make you grow.”

    I never knew those stuffs…!!! Waaa…..

  101.  #101Daria on June 24, 2010 at 3:45 am

    Ankita- I will see him again someday… U feel sad this happened and now I feel unsafe and judgemental and disappointed. I wanted to make him my lover again an now I feel weird to spend time with him… I feel sad. I feel glad I’m coZy in bed and safe. I feel dissapointed in him because I has thought his drunken behaviour had improved… And now I felt shined that he did smthin physical to me when before even when upset or drunk he didn’t… I feel sad thinking that must mean he’s violent w women now.. I always notice the ones that aren’t and he was on that list damn … So far in myexperience I haven’t trusted the ones who are… Especially with me.. wow… I feel pouty. I feel more comdortable pushin this away like it wasn’t such a huge deal and I feel sad that it is and that now I don’t feel safe and maybe never will. :(. Feel sad. I love my sadness.

  102.  #102Ankita on June 24, 2010 at 3:53 am

    To be frank, I feel insecure sometimes… Vishal is such a good-looking guy, a successful person, many girls are after him… I see girls posting scraps to him, running after him, sending him requests…

    He even talks to some of them on phone… I don’t like this, and I feel judgmental about this, and I don’t wanna feel so..

    I don’t say him anything, as for now, I feel insecure but try to set myself apart from other girls who are chasing him. Instead of chasing him & joining the race, I am standing out, just looking at him, smiling, and hoping he will come to me.

    And I have already told him that if he is interested, he is gonna have to initiate everything with me, as I feel pretty uncomfortable chasing guys, and that am not like his other girls, who will start chasing him… And if he comes, he is more than welcome…. 🙂

    He laughed and said, “Aren’t you interested in me?”
    I, “Definitely I am. But I am a feminine girl. So you have to be the man with me.”

  103.  #103Ankita on June 24, 2010 at 3:56 am


    It’s sad…. Seems like he changed for worse…. Are you gonna communicate it to him, that how unsafe you felt at that moment, and how cozy you are feeling right now?

  104.  #104dorothea on June 24, 2010 at 6:02 am

    This is long, but can you all please read this? I really need some support.

    I feel freaked out and insecure

    last night when i was falling asleep with LI, i was dreaming…and suddenly i was dreaming that he was saying this woman’s name over and over to make me jealous and upset because i am circular dating and he doesn’t like it. the way he was saying her name in the dream was full of desire.

    then i jolted awake from a sound. i realized HE was probably saying her name aloud. like in his own dream. and that’s why i started dreaming about it.

    I got him awake and said i had a weird dream…do you know someone named _____ ? and he said yes…and it turned out that she was his first lover when he was growing up. Though he says he doesn’t think he was dreaming anything, in which case I was having a psychic dream because she has a not very common name and i’ve never heard of her before. He said he doesn’t still talk to her though it turned out they were facebook friends. At some point he got up out of bed to delete her so that i wouldn’t even have to deal with thinking about it and so i wouldn’t be tempted to look her up because i don’t want to compare myself to her out of sick curiosity. he clearly wants me to feel better and says they don’t ever ever ever talk, they just do that facebook thing where you don’t communicate on facebook you just sit on each other’s friends lists. I HATE FACEBOOK, btw.

    now i feel weird. i feel freaked out that my dream is a premonition. that he will run into her and she will be my “competition” now that he is putting marriage on the table. i could feel it in my whole being last night. that this was what the future holds. that some random girl we’ve never talked about and to whom he never speaks was going to reappear in his life, and he would have second thoughts about me.

    i don’t know if i should trust this as a “gut” feeling or if i should trust him that this is just some bizarre incident, that he was willing to eliminate any trace of her from our lives completely, and he wants me to understand that i am the only woman he wants.

    i feel like…what if i’m not his true, passionate love? what if she was? what if they reunite somehow and he realizes that she is his soulmate? OH MY GOD.

    he hasn’t done anything wrong. i feel grateful that he deleted her off his facebook so that i can’t go look at her and compare myself. that feels freaking awful.

    in the past he has had former lovers on his friends list and when i told him how icky it makes me feel, he took one in particular off and cut off all communication with her. he knows that having former lovers in his life in anyway really is not cool with me and is understanding enough to cut them out without my even asking.

    i don’t believe he is a cheater or a liar but i feel afraid. the night before last i had a dream that his father was cheating on his mother with his female business partner. my dreams are freaking me out, ladies!

    i’m scared the message of my dreams and this happening is that something is wrong, since something doesn’t feel right. but if you had a dream like that or think you heard your man calling for his first lover, you wouldn’t feel right either.

    what if the message is a blessed gift from the universe to take control of my own paranoid feelings? what if the message here is that i CAN trust him, and that i am the only one he wants, and this is a test of sorts?

    i was so so open and not blaming with my feelings last night when this happened… he was very warm and understanding and receptive and trying really hard to be cooperative, but now i feel freaked out because he tends to shut down a lot more than just be present and enthusiastic when i feel bad. i feel suspicious of this. or is it just my great communication style that i dusted off to use last night that inspired his sincere cooperation?

    please talk to me, i feel really shaken up…

  105.  #105Lizzie on June 24, 2010 at 6:16 am

    Hi – I sent the note Joan wrote and to the new POF guy and sent the following off to Family Guy –

    Good morning FG – I feel happy to be asked – your little notes bring me a smile.
    Are you slaying dragons?

    and I got a note back right away – how did you know? it has been frantic…..
    So I will just lean back and stop being so paranoid. Remember I am DATING not married and will continue to CD – have a golf date on Saturday.
    Thank heavens for this group of awesome women!!! hear the siren call…. have a great day ladies all over the world.

  106.  #106dorothea on June 24, 2010 at 6:29 am

    Rori, can you please help me with #102?

  107.  #107Sweetpea on June 24, 2010 at 7:05 am

    Dorothea – I think you have some serious NVs talking to you. Have you ever heard that in our dreams is where we process. I’ve had dreams about old lovers before – at times I wanted to think they were prophetic, but it was always just my subconscious mind dealing with old trauma… I.e. Heartbreak. Have you talked to him about what happened with her? Did she break his heart? Did she cheat on him? My first love holds a special place in my heart, but there’s a reason we’re not still together & I highly doubt I would want to rekindle a relationship with him if he showed back up in my life.
    Sounds to me like you have some triggers here. I was reading the posts under “power & self-esteem” last night. There are lots of good exercises there that might help you. Other than his talking in his sleep, it doesn’t sound like he acted out of character. He’s cut off contact with women before because it bothers you…
    it doesn’t sound to me like you’re comfortable still with why we can CD but they can’t. I’m not comfortable with it yet either. I’ve been thinking about it a lot & I just can’t wrap my brain around it.
    Good luck. Send the NVs to the corner, then ask yourself how you’re FEELING.

  108.  #108dorothea on June 24, 2010 at 7:18 am

    now i have turned to horoscopes which say big huge unexpected changes are coming in love, and my paranoid negative voices are saying that he is going to leave me for another woman.

    what the hell?

    he tells me all day long that he loves me and wants to marry me.

  109.  #109dorothea on June 24, 2010 at 7:39 am

    one morning i asked my boss for a raise, and then went back to my desk and looked up my horoscope. That days horoscope for my sign literally said “You might think you deserve a raise, but today is not the day to ask for it.” I was FREAKED.

    I DID get that raise, though.

    stupid horoscopes. don’t know why i even look at them. someone told me recently that the signs we think we are are incorrect, because the astrological calendar is no longer in alignment with our gregorian calendar or something.

    negative voices and paranoia

    thank you for your reply, sweetpea

  110.  #110Brenda on June 24, 2010 at 8:11 am

    Yayyyyy! I just had a 1.5 hr “coffee break” with Bill at work! We were talking about our document project, but we talked about life most of the time! He was so sweet, and I felt more comfortable with him than ever!

    I told him how I feel burned out on the project and am intellectually flat-lining, and he said, “Well, let’s plan to have coffee every other day and we can keep each other going. There’s not really much we can do about it.”

    He was so nice about it, not condemning at all, just told me he feels the same way. I will look forward to that, and my Siren Island breaks will help me heal while I am being provided for!

    My friend, Chris, said she can see me growing. I’ve told her about Siren Island, and she said, “They’re feeding you!” I feel so happy that I’ve suddenly got a whole group of wonderful, caring, supportive friends! Thank you all!

    I am not perfect, but I am doing my best!

  111.  #111Lizzie on June 24, 2010 at 8:19 am

    Dorothea – if I may, it feels like deep fear triggers and for me, it is abandonment. I really like Family Guy – we are both incredibly busy and in dating mode…. and he was away and he has a seriously disabled child! and so do I, so the in-my-head-stuff says this is rediculous! – but the heart isn’t quite there yet. As soon as I felt a connection with FG, all major abandonment issues with me were triggered! Big time! hurt, pain, betrayal, etc etc. And didn’t I begin “stalking” behaviour?! jeeze…. he and I are both on POF and we were both on hide profile, but didn’t he un-hide himself and activate IM and I freaked! Although I remember a conversation we had about our on-line dating experiences and how he was being approached by women who would do email terrorism. Interestingly he was only on un-hide for a week and is back on hide profile, so it isn’t so likely he has replaced me – my paranoia is unfounded.

    And I held on to myself and listened to the sirens here. And I have been working on leaning back. But leaning back is a new behaviour, and difficult because it feels like giving up power but in fact it is holding power – it just feels so different.

    My suggestions for you – try to find your internal source of fear, work that through
    – spend some time CD with yourself to re-establish your goundedness
    – listen to all of the actions of your man – it is his actions that mean the most
    – marry the guy


  112.  #112dorothea on June 24, 2010 at 8:27 am

    i am going to take myself for a delicious manicure today! it’s time to take care of myself.

    also, my colleague found for me a site with horoscopes that have a much more positive vibe to them, and it gave the ominous astrological outlook a very positive spin.

    it basically said let go of negative voices. i think i’ll take that as permission to do so.

    this is going to be an issue for me again and again…i would feel so relieved if Rori chimed in.

  113.  #113Siena on June 24, 2010 at 8:46 am

    Bren, #107 – that’s so great to hear! Yay!

    Dorothea, re horoscopes. My personal opinion is ‘thoughts become things’, so whatever you believe (and back up with emotion) becomes reality. For that reason, I stay away from horoscopes, because it’s someone else planting thoughts into my head, and sometimes scaring me! (And if I have a scary thought that I don’t replace with a good thought, I believe the scary thought can come true).

    Daria – re #94. I feel scared for you (in my Mama Hen voice). You are a Siren who deserves to be treated like a princess or a queen. I feel glad you’re safe. I’ve been in situations like that before also, and it aint fun!

  114.  #114Turtle Girl on June 24, 2010 at 8:52 am


    I appreciate your post even if it was meant for Laura! Ha! LOL!

    The thing is-it could have very well been for me, just a short six months ago. That’s when me and toxic man parted ways. IT is very different for me today. The thing is, what Rori talks about things happening fast-
    it’s true! As soon as I just kicked my own arse out of my depression and tears enough to start dating and kept at it-things got better. I still cry over my loss once in a while, but I don’t take him to bed in the my head every night like I used to. And since I have taken a lover-I often think of that and that is way better because even though he is just a lover to me right now-to him-I am a queen. He tells me all the time how beautiful I am, how much he loves being with me, how he has “hit the jackpot”. And he is a good man, a really good man. He has told me he wants to be in a long term thing with a good woman. I don’t know if that is me-I am still cd’ing, but the point is this-I stopped my prior behavior-did the turnaround and got on my horse and vowed to be good to me. Now I get to pcik, I am not pining over some guy while he waits to decide. What a difference a few months makes!

    Laura – you will get through your pain- I did. Take really good care of yourself. We sirens are a strong lot we are. Yes!

    Ladies I must go to work-I have a huge art show starting tomorrow – so wish me luck that my work sells. Take care all you wonderful sirens.xxxooo

  115.  #115Siena on June 24, 2010 at 8:53 am

    Mary, re #89. This was my second email in response to him, the first response of mine was very short – one sentence feeling message.

    I don’t really want to “catch up” with him. I first want to establish that I am a feeling woman, and that he has to treat me with care and cherish my heart. And if he can do that, then I’ll spend time with him, and THEN we can talk about whatever he wants to talk about.

    I feel it protects my heart more to start out with the feeling messages so that the stage is set immediately, “listen buddy, you’re dealing with my heart here. I’m not a tough dude, so you need to take care of me well, or not at all.”

    And also, there’s this – I don’t want to pretend that everything’s okay. It takes too much energy! I’d rather just let him know right off where I’m at.

    …and here was my feeling message. I feel a little vulnerable sharing it because it really did come from my heart. I read what everyone said, and then when I sat down to write it, I opened my heart and this is what came out:

    “It feels good to know that things are going well for you! Honestly, I feel a little confused. On one hand, I feel good seeing an email from you, but I also realize that I feel a little hurt still by how things went down all those months ago. What do you think?”

  116.  #116Brenda on June 24, 2010 at 9:02 am

    In other news, Kenny is being a jerk to me again, which is the foundational reason why I divorced him in 2006. He wrote me a long, nasty letter, which I haven’t read yet, in response to a brief feeling message note I sent him, that I felt disappointed in him, that I felt abused, manipulated, sad, etc. That was after he got nasty with me on the phone one day and hung up on me two days in a row.

    The second day he was lecturing me when I was about to vomit and had a pounding headache. I needed nurturing and softness at that moment (like Lucy gave me, because I was meeting with her right after that hang-up call! Thank you again, Lucy! You were very sweet and kind that night!)

    So now I am going to use the “walk out tool”. That is, since he is long distance in prison, I am not going to contact him for a while. I’ve already expressed my displeasure, so what more is there to do, right? If anyone feels otherwise, I welcome your feedback.

    And his birthday is Sunday, June 27th. I already mailed him a card, so he will get a birthday greeting from me. But I am not going to do anything else to contact him.

    Since this is a long-term, established, unhealthy relationship, how do I know when it’s safe to contact him again? I mean, he’s apologized and made up before. But he never gets it. So I don’t want him back in my life until I know there will be lasting change. He sees himself as in the right when he treats me so badly. He’s blind. It’s gonna be a ruff road, and I might not even read his nasty letters at all, cuz I’m WALKING OUT!

    It’s not about the man. It’s about me feeling good and being treated with respect and love by a man. I won’t accept any less, ever again.

    Thank you Rori and Sirens for so patiently, finally, getting this thru my head! I’m free!!!!

  117.  #117Siena on June 24, 2010 at 9:04 am

    yayayayayay Siren Bren!

    “Since this is a long-term, established, unhealthy relationship, how do I know when it’s safe to contact him again?”

    When he comes to you with humility and speaks with you gently. You don’t EVER need to initiate going to him, wait for him to come to you.


  118.  #118Brenda on June 24, 2010 at 9:06 am


    Thank you so much for opening up your beautiful heart to us as well! I appreciate your vulnerability…and its power!

    As usual, your feeling message is excellent!

  119.  #119Brenda on June 24, 2010 at 9:10 am


    Thank you for your encouragement! Yes, I understand that. But what I need to explain is that Kenny was a top-notch salesman in his day, and he has powerful tools of persuasion. He WILL come to me with humility and kindness…as he’s done so many times before….only to go right back into emotionally abusing me the moment I (dare to!) say anything outside “the will of Kenny”.

    I guess time is the test of all things. One of my favorite acrostics:


    T.I.M.E. Kenny needs time to pass to earn the privelege (not the right!) to be in my life again. I am fed up with the cycle of abuse in this unhealthy relationship. He has been blind to it for 10 years, actually saying that the only thing wrong with our relationship is the people around me who influence me! Sometimes you don’t see the light until you feel the heat.

    So I am going to give Kenny the gift of time…and the heat that goes with that…to figure out that I have changed. My words don’t seem to get thru to him.


  120.  #120Brenda on June 24, 2010 at 9:12 am

    btw, I wasn’t talking about initiating. He will be writing me almost every day…I already know that. I know him very, very well.

  121.  #121Brenda on June 24, 2010 at 9:33 am


    Good going! Glad to hear things are happening for you on Siren Island!

    What I wasn’t clear on is the relationship between your ex and Vishal. When you say senior, does that mean one is the father to the other?

    Sounds like it will get sticky when the time is right to tell Vishal. But I agree that you don’t have to until it’s YOUR time.

  122.  #122Brenda on June 24, 2010 at 9:46 am

    Here’s a cute poem for Sirens! I originally heard this in school in childhood. I just remembered it and looked it up on the internet:

    T. A. Daly. 1871–

    Mia Carlotta

    GIUSEPPE, da barber, ees greata for “mash,”
    He gotta da bigga, da blacka mustache,
    Good clo’es an’ good styla an’ playnta good cash.

    W’enevra Giuseppe ees walk on da street,
    Da peopla dey talka, “how nobby! how neat! 5
    How softa da handa, how smalla da feet.”

    He raisa hees hat an’ he shaka hees curls,
    An’ smila weeth teetha so shiny like pearls;
    O! many da heart of da seelly young girls
    He gotta. 10
    Yes, playnta he gotta—
    But notta

    Giuseppe, da barber, he maka da eye,
    An’ lika da steam engine puffa an’ sigh, 15
    For catcha Carlotta w’en she ees go by.

    Carlotta she walka weeth nose in da air,
    An’ look through Giuseppe weeth far-away stare,
    As eef she no see dere ees som’body dere.

    Giuseppe, da barber, he gotta da cash, 20
    He gotta da clo’es an’ da bigga mustache,
    He gotta da seely young girls for da “mash,”
    But notta—
    You bat my life, notta—
    Carlotta. 25
    I gotta!

  123.  #123Siena on June 24, 2010 at 9:50 am

    Bren, my guess is that the more you hang out here and meet men who treat you right, the less you’ll want to respond to Kenny until he has something really great to offer you and consistently makes you feel good.

    Even if he writes you everyday, you can only respond if and when it feels good to do it.

    I think I hear that you feel you owe him something? You don’t. If anything, he should be ecstatic that you agreed to be his wife at one point. YOU are the treasure – he’s a lucky guy.

  124.  #124Siena on June 24, 2010 at 9:52 am

    you know what? I take back my last post. I just reread yours, and I see that you have it all figured out… you go girl!

  125.  #125Lucy on June 24, 2010 at 9:53 am

    Dorothea, I agree with the others that dreams are usually our way of processing things that need healing, etc.

    However, I felt interested in how “real” the dream felt to you and about your”gut feeling” around it.
    (Although, for me, sometimes FEAR disguises itself as a “gut feeling.”)

    While I was still married, and knowing that something was desperately wrong with our marriage, but not knowing what it really was, I went to bed one night and prayed, “God, if I am causing the problem in my marriage, please show me what I am doing wrong and help me change.”

    That night I had a powerful dream that showed my h in all sorts of different situations with other women. When I woke up, a voice in my head said, “This is real. You need to ask him about it.”

    I was stunned and horrified, but my gut feeling was strong and velt very valid.

    I told him a couple (milder) things about the dream, and about my gut feeling. He denied it. We talked some more, with me wondering aloud then why I had such a powerful dream that my gut told me meant something. So then he casually admitted to the mildest part of my dream!

    I was shocked!

    Over the next several weeks, piece by piece, he first denied, then admitted to every single thing in the dream — and some of it was disgusting and almost unbelievable to me! He had been known to all as an “upstanding Christian family man.”

    The dream was a blessing — an answer to prayer — because it showed me what was really happening in our marriage and why it felt like I was spinning my wheels trying to make it work.

    Our church and families and counselors tried everything we could to help him change his ways after this came out…. but he just wouldn’t let go.

    And then finally I could move on.

    (Which isn’t going too well, either. 🙁 )

  126.  #126Siena on June 24, 2010 at 10:07 am

    Lucy, I feel awed and amazed by your story. To me, that demonstrates how well taken care of you are, and that feels wonderful!

    I’m sorry for what happened and the pain, but I feel happy that the truth was discovered… especially in such a vivid, miraculous way!

  127.  #127Lucy on June 24, 2010 at 10:16 am

    Thanks, Siena. That’s exactly how I felt about it — that God was taking care of me.

  128.  #128Lucy on June 24, 2010 at 10:24 am

    You know that mutual acquaintance that TN man and I have?

    Well, when I told him what happened, he wrote back to me, “I can’t say that I’m sorry things didn’t work out between you and [TN man]. He is a lovable, winsome child. Very bright, but lost.”

    So it kinda feels like God taking care of me again.

    But it also feels really really sad. He IS lovable, winsome, and very bright!!!


  129.  #129Ankita on June 24, 2010 at 11:22 am


    No no no.. Vishal and Jai aren’t father-son.

    Jai is a marine engineer who has just passed his college, and Vishal will pass in 1 year… They are from same college, with a difference of just 1 year….

  130.  #130T.R. on June 24, 2010 at 11:24 am

    Thank you Brenda and Daria! I will see if I can save some money for Committment Blueprint. I do enjoy being exclusive, but I know what I want in my future is to have a family. I don’t want to keep repeating the pattern of being in a relationship for a couple of years without reaching my goals. It feels bad and I need to make some changes to reach my goals, I just don’t know what those changes are….

  131.  #131Ankita on June 24, 2010 at 11:27 am


    RE # 107

    Yayyyyyy…!!! I feel so happy for you… Hardly anyone is perfect…!! It’s not always the perfect who wins…. I feel so happy for you….!!! Woohoo….

  132.  #132dorothea on June 24, 2010 at 11:30 am

    Lucy…thank you so much for your story. I feel a little scared reading it because i don’t want my gut to be true.

    Sometimes my gut has been fear playing tricks on me.

    My plan is to not stuff any bad feelings. I have been open with him. I don’t accuse him of anything. But I do tell him that it feels bad to think about his former lovers. And that I feel jealous and insecure.

    In the past I would have never admitted something like that to a man, and played games to get the “truth.” All I can do is be honest and let him take the reigns.

    Is my fear of abandonment (both my parents left me when I was a child, first my dad and then my mom 16 years later) so strong that this fear can feel like a gut feeling or intuition?

  133.  #133Wonder Woman on June 24, 2010 at 11:31 am

    So typically this amazing roller coaster of a journey has took another dive….or maybe just an unexpected turn, I’m not sure. It’s strange. Ok, so just to recap I went from no men to three men in 2 days….well EE man (who I should rename Limbo man for his ability to lean back, the ex and Mr Sweet).

    So here I am a few days on and I’m feeling bored of them…!! Eeeeek!! Well I say bored but what I mean is if I am to believe I am going to settle for my dream man I am beginning to see that none of these three (well maybe Mr sweet if he gets a move on) are really what I want. Limbo man in particular is driving me mad with his inability to step up and I think I have got tired of him. I just can’t be bothered to sit and instant message anymore. I can’t even be bothered to suggest he call instead of instant message because I feel like that should have occured to him already. Yes, I am feeling a bit tired of it all so I’m not sure if I’m tired of men who are not stepping up or the whole dating thing itself…..I feel like I’m being lazy but I don’t want to make the effort. It’s a strange feeling. I think I could happily drop all three but then I would have no one in my rotation which makes me think it could be a subconscious ploy to stop myself from circular dating but I really want to do the tools but I feel like I can’t really circular date if the guy is only obtainable through typing words on a keyboard.

  134.  #134Ankita on June 24, 2010 at 11:34 am


    I didn’t understand the poem coz perhaps it’s of different language.. But while in my room, I read it aloud, and it felt great… Even though I don’t know it’s meaning, it sounded great.. 🙂

  135.  #135Brenda on June 24, 2010 at 11:40 am

    Lucy, RE: #122 – Wow! Chills!

    That’s awesome that God protected you by giving you that dream!

    Siena, thank you so much for your encouragement about Kenny. He will fly at me with anger, and then he will realize I am the only thing he’s got good in his life, and fight to get me back.

    Like the Don Williams song says (just change the lyrics from he to she and from she to he)…

    She packed up her suitcase and walked to the door
    She said she won’t come like she’s done before
    I bet she’s in Dallas before it gets dark
    I know she’s thinking she’s breaking my heart
    She knows I love her so she thinks I’ll crawl
    But she never knew me, she never knew me, she never knew me at all

    She knows I love her, I know I need her
    God knows to please her, I’ve tried and I’ve tried

    By now if I know her, she’s changed her mind
    She’ll pull off the highway, and have a good cry
    And then like a lost child, she’ll want to come home
    She’ll think I’m waiting, there by the phone
    She’ll stop in some cafe, and give me a call
    But she never knew me, she never knew me, she never knew me at all

  136.  #136Sweetpea on June 24, 2010 at 11:43 am

    Dorothea – Speaking as someone with abandonment issues of her own, yes! Your fear CAN actually feel like intuition. Here is what I’m learning – intuition feels open, fear feels tense. I wish I knew how to explain this better, but if I can just move my fear to the side a little, I can get to the underlying feeling – does it feel tense or open. There’s a kind of peace that you can & will survive it if it’s intuition. If its fear, it feels almost tighter under the underlying fear.

    Does that make any sense? I hope it helps.

  137.  #137Brenda on June 24, 2010 at 11:46 am


    I feel such pain for you in losing your parents. I do my best to not take my parents for granted, but I’m afraid sometimes I do. They just have always been there.

    But when I think, even for a moment, what my life would have been like without them, I feel horrible and scared and alone. I hope we can be like family to you, like sisters. We love you and support you. I am crying now.


  138.  #138Sweetpea on June 24, 2010 at 11:55 am

    Wonder Woman, lol! I have the same experience you’re describing. I don’t know if you’re online dating like me, but my experience is that I just use feeling messages in any email I answer. Lots of times I get my message w/o meeting them.

    Why limit yourself to three. I just keep it going. Sometimes I go on one date with them & that’s it – then it’s “next.” My thought is that as long as I’m going on at least 3 dates a week. I’m CDing. Even if I never see some of them again. What do you think of that?

  139.  #139dorothea on June 24, 2010 at 12:00 pm

    Sweet pea, i feel open like i can and will survive but i think it might be a defense mechanism.

    i mean..i’m talking about being taunted by a “psychic” inkling that a woman from when he was 16 is going to mysteriously show up and take him from me.

    or what if he is lying and he does actually talk to her? i would feel shocked if he is capable of bold face lying like that. like…he was so open to me that it felt dishonest, do you know what i mean?

    or maybe he learned from our recent bickering that i’ll take honesty over walking on eggshells any day

    omg freakout

  140.  #140Rori Raye on June 24, 2010 at 12:06 pm

    Violet – I love this: Perhaps there is one, who wonders often, why do lovely women waste time on these oafs? ….I like to imagine him, fantasizing about me…” Love, Rori

  141.  #141Brenda on June 24, 2010 at 12:13 pm

    Ankita, RE: #131 – The poem is not really in another language. It is written in a humorous Italian “accent”. I will “translate” it for you here…

    T. A. Daly. 1871–

    My Carlotta

    GIUSEPPE (pronounce “Yoo-sep-pay”), the barber, He’s great for “mash,” (like a dance, I think)
    He got the big, black mustache,
    Good clothes and good style and plenty of good cash.

    Whenever Giuseppe walks on the street,
    The people they talk, “how snobby! how neat! 5
    How soft the hands, how small the feet.”

    He raises his hat and he shakes hi curls,
    And smiles with teeth so shiny like pearls;
    O! many the heart of the silly young girls
    He got. 10
    Yes, plenty he got—
    But not

    Giuseppe, the barber, he makes the eye,
    And likes the steam engine puff and sigh, 15
    To catch Carlotta when she goes by.

    Carlotta she walks with nose in the air,
    And look through Giuseppe with far-away stare,
    As if she no see there is somebody there.

    Giuseppe, the barber, he got the cash, 20
    He got the clothes and the big mustache,
    He got the silly young girls for the “mash,”
    But not—
    You bet my life, not—
    Carlotta. 25
    I got her!

    I like it cuz she raised her degree of difficulty!
    All the other girls were silly, because they chased him! Carlotta put value on herself and he couldn’t have her! LOL! Love it!

  142.  #142Brenda on June 24, 2010 at 12:22 pm


    You are by far the best therapist and relationship coach out there! I feel strongly about wanting to help you become known, both for your personal provision and to help all the women out there who NEED your unique approach to relationships!

    What can I (or we) do to help you? What about me giving a mini-seminar of your stuff to college women and then selling your CD programs afterwards? Just an idea, but I feel so transformed (still in process of course) that I would love to make a career of this in some way!

  143.  #143Ankita on June 24, 2010 at 1:35 pm

    To Let Go

    To let go does not mean to stop caring,
    it means I can’t do it for someone else.
    To let go is not to cut myself off,
    it’s the realization that I can’t control another.
    To let go is not to enable,
    but to allow learning from natural consequences.
    To let go is to admit powerlessness,
    which means the outcome is not in my hands.
    To let go is not to try to change or blame another,
    it’s to make the most of myself.
    To let go is not to care for,
    but to care about.
    To let go is not to fix,
    but to be supportive.
    To let go is not to judge,
    but to allow another to be a human being.
    To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,
    but to allow others to affect their own destinies.
    To let go is not to be protective,
    it’s to permit another to face reality.
    To let go is not to criticize, or regulate anyone,
    but to try to become what I dream I can do.
    To let go is to fear less, and to love more.

  144.  #144Ankita on June 24, 2010 at 1:39 pm


    I love this one, “I like it cuz she raised her degree of difficulty!
    All the other girls were silly, because they chased him! Carlotta put value on herself and he couldn’t have her! LOL! Love it!”

    This gives me the message that i shouldn’t join the league of girls running after Vishal ever.. (Though I wouldn’t have even done before so, but this poem will control me whenever i think i am losing him over other girls who are chasing him.)…

    Ankita is Vishal’s prize, and if he is interested enough, he will have to come to her…

  145.  #145Ankita on June 24, 2010 at 1:44 pm


    Can’t get him outta my mind….
    I want him to imagine me, I want him to fantasize about me, i want him to think about me all the time, I want him to forget the world when he thinks of me…

    I liked it when he complimented me that i am a gorgeous looking engineering student… But i want him to love me for my “feelings”….

  146.  #146Wonder Woman on June 24, 2010 at 1:45 pm

    Sweetpea – Yes I am online dating although I only really decided to stop avoiding the circular dating last week and get on with it so I haven’t officially been on any dates yet.

    I do find chatting to men online draining but I know I have contributed to my frustration with this because pre Rori I spent long periods of time chatting to men without finalising dates because I was reluctant to date them because they did not fit my “perfect man image” and then I was getting annoyed that I wasn’t meeting the man of my dreams.

    I think it is a combination of nerves and triggers but I know I have to get past this and I will. For sure I will aim to have more than just these three in the rotation and look for the messages and hopefully I will start to feel more energised about this as time goes on.

    Ok, so here is the thing I am a massive fan of Mills & Boon romance books……I can’t help it but I’m not sure comparing all the men on POF to the guys in the books is a great thing so no wonder I feel a little lacking in energy after a while…..this is why looking for the messages are a better option for me. 🙂

  147.  #147Lucy on June 24, 2010 at 1:56 pm

    Dorothea, I agree with what Sweetpea wrote about the fear/intuition blur. Fear is the only thing that ever clouds my intuition. In my case, with the dream, there was NO DOUBT in my spirit that it was true — even though I questioned it a little in my mind, there was something deep within me that just knew.

    “he was so open to me that it felt dishonest, do you know what i mean?” Yeah, I have experienced that too.

    If it were me, I would pray for clarity — for either peace that all is well or protection to know it is not.

    Hugs to you!


  148.  #148Lucy on June 24, 2010 at 2:22 pm

    Aww, sweet second email from a pof guy — I didn’t respond to his first one. Here’s the one I just got:

    “Alight, so you didn’t answer me. You’re still adorable.

    Happy fishin! ;)”

    I feel really good about that email! Lots of times guys get mad and nasty if I don’t respond.

    Sometimes when they write me a really flattering email but I don’t respond cuz I’m not interested, I worry that “oh man, this guy liked me based on my profile, but now when I don’t respond he’s gonna think badly of me and know that I’m not as great as I sound on my profile.”

    But this guy — wow, I really feel impressed and pleased and happy — he’s like a pof anti-NV for me!

    Beautiful message for me. I feel grateful.

  149.  #149Sweetpea on June 24, 2010 at 2:23 pm

    Lucy, When my ex-fiance was cheating on me, I just KNEW. I didn’t have much evidence & I didn’t freak out about it. It was actually strangely peaceful. I set out to prove it to myself one way or another, and it was painful, but there was no stomach hit my feet,oh my Gosh this can’t be happening kind of feeling – it didn’t eat at me – it just was. And I knew it was. It’s hard to explain – to think of feeling peaceful in the middle of emotional trauma like that, but I don’t know how else to describe it. Is that what you experienced when you had the dream?

  150.  #150Lucy on June 24, 2010 at 2:31 pm

    Hey, I’m kinda liking this guy. I actually read his profile now. It ends with this:

    “I’m no knight in shining armour, but chivalry still exists. Please let me hold the door, get your chair, walk on the curb side… all those things that show I care.”


    He’s very short, though. One inch taller than me (and I’m short). I broke up with a guy in college for mostly that reason. (Boo me!) Maybe I’m more mature now….?

    He’s not great-looking, but neither am I.

  151.  #151Lucy on June 24, 2010 at 2:37 pm

    Sweetpea, NO. I felt utterly devastated and shocked. It was very traumatic, because until the dream it had never occurred to me that my upstanding Christian husband would do those things. Both our families were shocked and traumatized too. It was so bad, that when the twin towers were hit a few months later, my first thought was, Oh, that already happened to us.

    My most recent guesses about what was wrong in our marriage up until then were that either it was me having a major blind spot about my own behavior, or he was mildly retarded (seriously!)

  152.  #152Sweetpea on June 24, 2010 at 2:41 pm

    Wonder Woman – I have found that going out with pretty much anyone who I don’t feel bad about & looking for the message is bringing a better class of men to me & I am learning so much. My goal is to have at least 3 in the rotation, but I find that many of them end up being a one date thing. I just keep going, thinking when I find 3 I want to see more than once, that will be good enough. I’m up to two!

    I don’t really understand the message/mirror thing & don’t always consciously know what the message is, but my self esteem is way up & I feel like I’m making tons of personal growth anyway. So, like everything else, I figure I’ll get better at interpreting the message or mirror with practice. For now, for me, it’s all about practicing being open and using feeling messages.

    I don’t spend a lot of time emailing either. I, like you, sometimes feel drained by that, so a lot of times I won’t answer the email until they’re offline – or right before I get offline. That way there’s not the endless back & forth. They either ask me out after a few emails or fade away.

    And since right now the main thing I’m practicing is simply “not giving”, and Rori says this is where the “toads” come in handy – someone there’s absolutely no emotional investment with, I’m ok with it. Now that the guys contacting me are getting to be “more my style” – ones I’m more atrracted to, I’m practicing “receiving” – the next step.

    That’s just my experience & outlook on things! As Lucy’s pof guy said, “happy fishing!”

  153.  #153Brenda on June 24, 2010 at 2:46 pm

    Lucy, “He’s not great-looking, but neither am I.”

    YES YOU ARE! Stop that!

  154.  #154Sweetpea on June 24, 2010 at 2:49 pm

    Sorry it was so hard for you, Lucy.

    I’m not saying that it didn’t completely turn my life upside down & devastate me for awhile, but in comparison to some of the guys I dated after who I tormented myself about whether they were cheating on me – or aren’t they – all that fear & freak out – the peace I felt just “knowing” was a cake walk. I think it was because with him, it was my intuition & after that it was more the fear. As my dad says. “The only thing to fear is fear itself.”

    Anyway, I was just curious if you had that experience with the difference between your intuition – just knowing & that fearful, torment myself because it’s the fear talking.

    Btw – re: the dating – have you worked through your “toads” yet? If not, I would encourage you to consider it…

  155.  #155Brenda on June 24, 2010 at 2:49 pm


    I appreciate your poem about letting go! Thanks!

    Sounds like you are doing so much better these days!

  156.  #156Sweetpea on June 24, 2010 at 2:50 pm

    Yeah Lucy! What Brenda said! You’re adorable, remember?!

  157.  #157Brenda on June 24, 2010 at 2:50 pm


    Did you say something about cake? If so, was that cupcake or cheesecake? 🙂

  158.  #158Lucy on June 24, 2010 at 2:56 pm

    Sweetpea, I didn’t really have the other scenario to compare it to (fearing and wondering if a guy was cheating — I had always felt safe in that respect in other relationships, and, in fact, in my marriage as well — thus, the shock!)

    Yeah, I think I’ve worked through quite a few toads. I feel ready for the ones I feel attracted to — but they’re disappearing on me!

  159.  #159Lizzie on June 24, 2010 at 2:57 pm

    Wonder Woman and Sweetpea I am also on POF on and off for about 2 years now, and have formed a theory around my experience there and some insights that seem to have worked a little bit with me (but they could work better!).

    First of all, it is really important to keep in mind that as humans we gather information in a multi-sensory form: see it, feel it, sense it, experience it. Internet dating only provides for one form – written words – it is pure cognition. So for us to understand what we see, we add more to it from our own life experiences. Basically, in the absence of information, we create and fill the empty spaces. So for the words typed in a message, we add, feeling, interpretation, our previous experience – we add information to make sense of what we see. When we add it to a photo, we might even create a voice and complete personality! Inevitably, if it takes too long before we meet the person and have the reality hit us, the image we conjure is quite incredible. Given this, it is quite a miracle to actually meet someone and have any kind of relationship with them.

    Pulling it all together –
    – what we see, triggers our creative processes and we create an image and personality that goes with the profile that is posted
    – if we like what we see, we email back and forth thus adding more material to the image we have created in our imagination – if it takes too long to meet the other person, we are in danger of “getting married” to the image we have created and a variety of things happen – we freak ourselves out; they have the same experience (because we are all human) and freak themselves out as well – so we suddenly disappear; or we finally meet and discover that we are shocked because “they lied” – in other words the reality doesn’t come close to what we have created in our own brains.

    This is now what I do – when I am “in hide mode”, I make contact and ask if they would like to meet and play golf. Forget coffee – for me it is a disaster because of what I do for a living and too easy to slip into work mode. (I assess complex reasoning capability for leadership development – and I don’t want to be assessing the brain power of a potential love-mate! I am scary enough as it is!)

    The faster we meet, the more likely I will see and be open to who they really are and the less time I have to conjure up an image of who I think I want them to be.

    To make that work, I absolutely must be able to look at their photo and say to myself “could I kiss those lips” – yes or no. If yes, then I am open to meeting them. If no, then that is it, over.

    Naturally, if they write crappy stuff, it is over as well.

    What I have learned from being on siren island, is to lean back, not provide so much information, ask for the date and go from there. Once I have done the first ask, it is all over to them to pick up the ball and I lean back for all the rest.

    I have met some good guys this way. For the most part I have leaned-in because I am on hide. And I am OK with that. Now I really like leaning -back and can feel the power of it – it has taken a lot of pressure out of the dating process for me. Most of the guys I see only once, I saw one man for 3 dates then I sent him away, and now I have had 4 dates with FG and I have approached him completely differently. I am not sure how this one will go because I seem to like him so much it has triggered all kinds of issues that you have all been helping me process.

    I am still on POF, and am working to get to meet two guys that have messaged me. All good CD!

    I have also signed up for speed dating in 2 weeks. And, I found a little gang of “golf-singles” that seems to have a bit of potential – I am golfing with one of the guys I met there, on Saturday.

    I’d be really interested in hearing about your experiences with on-line dating.

  160.  #160Brenda on June 24, 2010 at 2:59 pm


    I am trying what Rori says and just going out with whoever asks me. But I believe in my heart there are very, very, very, very, VERY few men out there who I am honestly interested in as husband material. So in that way, I agree with you.

    Like you with TN Man, I saw Ryan as a needle in a haystack. He has issues, but wow, he is lightyears ahead of most men in very important areas! I don’t expect to find too many men who intrigue me like that.

    In the meantime, I have decided to just work on myself. And, dating is working on myself, cuz Rori has me convinced it’s free therapy!

  161.  #161dorothea on June 24, 2010 at 3:00 pm

    I really appreciate the love lucy and sweetpea are showing me with their comments about my situation.

    Rori! I would feel really grateful for your help on this one.

  162.  #162Lucy on June 24, 2010 at 3:02 pm

    Brenda and Sweetpea — regarding my looks — here is a little story that happened on Tuesday that felt bad….

    My hairdresser asked me how things were going with TN man, so I filled her in on everything, including the girlfriend (but didn’t mention the 3some). She kept saying, “Oh, don’t give up! You should go out there and meet him and he’ll dump her!” and stuff like that.

    Then I showed her the pics of the girl. She said, “Oh! She’s really cute! Alright, forget about him.”

    I felt so sad!!! I felt like she was saying that I didn’t stand a chance because interloper girl was so much better looking than me. That felt really really bad. And true. 🙁

  163.  #163Sweetpea on June 24, 2010 at 3:02 pm

    Brenda – hmmm… Cupcake. But I love cheesecake, so I may have to dub Steppin’ Up guy “Cheesecake cupcake” if he keeps it up. Yum! Lol I’ll call him “CC” for short. Whacha think?

  164.  #164Brenda on June 24, 2010 at 3:04 pm

    Lizzie, I like this: “To make that work, I absolutely must be able to look at their photo and say to myself “could I kiss those lips” – yes or no.”

    I miss Ryan’s lips! They were so pouty and soft! I absolutely loved kissing him more than any other man ever! He’s MY “Fab Kisser”! Muah!

  165.  #165Brenda on June 24, 2010 at 3:05 pm


    Cute, but then CC would get confused for Christian Carter! And he already has a girlfriend! 🙂

  166.  #166Brenda on June 24, 2010 at 3:07 pm


    that wasn’t nice she said that. This thread has the analogy about different hair salons. Mebbe you should forget about HER! (***evil grin!***)

  167.  #167dorothea on June 24, 2010 at 3:11 pm

    lucy, screw the haters! my best friend recently started spreading around that she felt so bad about my dating success and seemingly counter-intuitive approach because i’m SO UGLY compared to how well i get treated.

    screw the haters.

  168.  #168Jeannette on June 24, 2010 at 3:11 pm

    Just an update girls…the guy I dated from high school is coming over to see me tonight. He is already talking long term with me and it feels wonderful..The only thing is, neither one of us have any money to speak of, I work and he is on disability. We are in our 50’s. It just goes to prove, nothing is ever perfect in this world, if you wait on that you may miss out on the most important moments. So wish me luck, okay? I want to think with me head AND my heart here. I didn’t make it to this age for nothing.. Hopefully with years comes wisdom….

  169.  #169Sweetpea on June 24, 2010 at 3:11 pm

    Ok Dorothea. I want so bad for you to feel better! I hope Rori will give you some feedback. 🙁

  170.  #170Brenda on June 24, 2010 at 3:13 pm

    Jeannette, Best wishes!

  171.  #171Brenda on June 24, 2010 at 3:13 pm


  172.  #172Sweetpea on June 24, 2010 at 3:14 pm

    Brenda – lol! Ok then. Were you talking about the other cupcake who needed Steven Seagal to show up & teach him how to change ? Lol!

  173.  #173Daria on June 24, 2010 at 3:15 pm

    ohhh im feeling a lil excited… the let go poem clicked something around my forehead a lil light or an opening

    i feel excited that to let go is not to stop caring it means i can’t do it for someone else

    i cant do it for him to apologize or what not, i can astill care, but i think i felt sad and icky thinking i would old pattern style pick up his side of the caring now

    and i dont want to. i wont do that. he will do what he does, pick it up if he wants to

    i dont have to apologize to myself for him


    this is cool

    i can still care i am still ok

    and he can apologize or not apologize or what not


    i feel weird confused and churned by strange toxic behavior

    the toxicity is coming out? i feel curious about it…

    i thoughtfully attribute it to defense… fear of love and going deep

    and i love my thoughtfullness
    i love my mind

    i know the cure

    for this defense

    and its not a great offense – tho that can be in the moment hmmm… more intrigue

    yeah i like i could Zonk him out by attacking

    it could shake and open

    i dont want to shake and open

    i want open
    no shake

    i want him to come for me

    i have the remedy

    all energy belonging to someone else inside me


    i love you

    thank you for being here and assisting me

    and i am sending you back now, with love

    and you, scattered daria violet and all color energy

    i am calling you back in
    to me

    cleaned and freshened
    thank u

    for traveling and scouting

    welcome back

    i feel you

  174.  #174Sweetpea on June 24, 2010 at 3:23 pm

    Lizzie – I don’t hide my profile, but I don’t get overwhelmed with responses like Lucy – so I don’t have to.

    Heehee. Love ya Juicy!

  175.  #175Jeannette on June 24, 2010 at 3:25 pm

    Thanks Brenda!!

  176.  #176Daria on June 24, 2010 at 3:27 pm

    Daria, you have permission to enjoy yourself.

  177.  #177dorothea on June 24, 2010 at 3:27 pm

    i feel much lighter and better now

    i will not figure anything out in my head
    and i know my feelings cannot always be trusted at face value. i react too quickly. i must sit with my feelings.

    for now, i know there are many messages in this experience and in my total experience with this man.

    the one i am choosing to take to heart right now is to stop sleeping at his house. i am addicted to doing this. it is so easy but it is my worst way of overfunctioning and leaning forward. i am totally welcome there and for however long i would like whenever i would like, but i have a boundary about dating and the level of seriousness and making plans and all of that which i am not honoring.

    everything else will be revealed in time. i have faith in time and in myself. i love all my feelings and i love him too, even if there is a problem, i will love him for who he is enough to not change him but accept him for being “bad” for me and moving on.

    i will be okay no matter what.

  178.  #178Daria on June 24, 2010 at 3:30 pm

    What would you like to do?

    I would like to go to a man’s house, in his room, and watch movies I like and smoke. And have him cook for me and feed me, and spend time with me, and massage me, and my feet. and kiss him and maybe evne go down on him (ohhh i feel tightened up and red to say this haha… i feel defensive… i feel compelled to explain… i wont now … this red in my cheeks hotness feels kinda good)

  179.  #179Sweetpea on June 24, 2010 at 3:30 pm

    Yeah Lucy! Dump the hater chica!

    Dorothea- wtf?! You still call her a friend? I think you might have to consider that you will outgrow her! She sounds mean to me.

  180.  #180Daria on June 24, 2010 at 3:30 pm

    I feel attached to this outcome!

  181.  #181Brenda on June 24, 2010 at 3:31 pm


    You have permission to enjoy yourself! 🙂

  182.  #182Brenda on June 24, 2010 at 3:33 pm


    You meant your FALSE friend, right? 🙁

  183.  #183dorothea on June 24, 2010 at 3:33 pm

    sweetpea, we had a confrontation and her answer was pointing out all the stuff that pissed her off from a year ago. she had already had a fit about this calling me a bunch of names a year ago over all this stuff, so there wasn’t much to say except i felt humiliated hearing about what she was saying to other people.

    we are not friends anymore but not for the comment. the comment just made me see everything about her i was looking past before.

  184.  #184Daria on June 24, 2010 at 3:34 pm

    what am i offered?

    im offered the opportunity to relax at a computer…

    to watch shows i enjoy

    to make full use of a fridge… and eat what i want

    to make use of a bathroom… and wash if i want

    to have a car accessible

    to have a mom accessible

    to make crafty clothes and do artsy stuff with them for the frist time

    to use the lsat books and review games

    to rearrange objects to my desire


    this is sounding rather FUN!

  185.  #185Daria on June 24, 2010 at 3:34 pm

    Thanks Brenda!

  186.  #186Sweetpea on June 24, 2010 at 3:36 pm

    Sorry Dorothea. I felt angered on your behalf. She is your friend. I won’t talk smack about her anymore! 🙁

  187.  #187Lucy on June 24, 2010 at 3:37 pm

    Dorothea! I feel so good reading #177!!!

    I was thinking about you while eating dinner, and was gonna say, “I would just sink into my feelings really deeply, and trust that all will be revealed at the right time.” Which is what you said!

    I feel great and wowed by your decision to not sleep at his house and to honor your boundaries that way!

    I would also want to go deep into my abandonment fear/wound and ask for healing for the little girl who was abandoned. I would hug her and love her and comfort her and tell her I will always be there for her and I will never abandon her. I would tell her she is safe with me and that she grew up to be a wonderful woman.



  188.  #188dorothea on June 24, 2010 at 3:39 pm

    i scheduled my first facial ever tonight at the nicest spa in town and am taking way good care of myself!

  189.  #189Lucy on June 24, 2010 at 3:40 pm

    “hmm …. this is sounding rather FUN!”

    Made me smile, Daria. 🙂

    It feels amazing to me how different things can look when we look at them differently!

  190.  #190Lucy on June 24, 2010 at 3:45 pm

    Oooh, I feel guilty. I had exactly what Daria wants in #178 (with D) and I didn’t like having it. I felt bored and unsatisfied. I love (?) my guilt???

  191.  #191dorothea on June 24, 2010 at 3:49 pm

    sweetpea she is not my friend but i don’t talk smack cuz i have lost all urge to care haha.

    i grew up being told by all sorts of kids that i was ugly as hell. and i eventually came into my sirenness and lost sight of that thought. and she re-ignited it in me. i see photos of myself and think OH GOD I LOOK SO HIDEOUS.

    i got over this once before and i shall get over it again.

    i am beautiful.

  192.  #192Daria on June 24, 2010 at 3:51 pm

    Lucy – oh, I’ve had it before or had it offered and didn’t like it either. I was offered it a couple days ago. I’m in a mood to have it right now. you know, like anchovy pizza

  193.  #193Daria on June 24, 2010 at 3:52 pm

    Who’s the handsome, Top Chef or Iron Chef or something?

    Someone on here mentioned him and I can’t find him anymore…

  194.  #194Lucy on June 24, 2010 at 4:06 pm

    New pof email:

    “hi got to tell you that I think you are very sexy hope you dont think im a pervert but i no one when i see one !!!! lol hope you find him be safe”


  195.  #195Lucy on June 24, 2010 at 4:11 pm

    Daria, I never like anchovy pizza, but sometimes I like black olive pizza. So….you got me thinking… what am *I* in the mood for right now?

    Hmm. I would like to go out for ice cream with a really nice, fun, smart man and get hot fudge and whipped cream on my nose and have him tease me about it and lick it off and tell me I’m cute and fun and he wants to see me again tomorrow but I have to say no cuz we’re leaving for vacation and he says oh no! can I call you or text you while you’re gone and I say YES! and he does and he helps me get through the rough spots of vaca that involve my family of origin being with us and it feels GREAT!!!!!!!!

  196.  #196dorothea on June 24, 2010 at 4:13 pm

    lol lucy that’s him aiming his arrows at you. he has that no punctuation style. i am guilty of this but would never use it early in a correspondence relationship of any kind (work, dating, classifieds)…

    u gonna write back and thank him for the compliment?

  197.  #197Lucy on June 24, 2010 at 4:19 pm

    Lol Dorothea — I’m used to reading things literally — so it looks like he’s saying he knows a pervert when he sees one, and he hopes I find one!!! LOL!

  198.  #198dorothea on June 24, 2010 at 4:25 pm

    he hopes you dont think he is a pervert for saying you are so sexy, but he knows a sexy lady when he sees one.

    he is trying to tell u that you’re sexy, and he doesn’t want u you to call him a pervert for saying so.

  199.  #199Siena on June 24, 2010 at 4:46 pm

    Daria, #1923 that was me, and that was the dreamy Curtis Stone:


  200.  #200Lucy on June 24, 2010 at 4:57 pm

    Now there’s a really good learning experience. Curtis Stone is obviously a very attractive, handsome man — but he does nothing for me. Nothing!

    It makes me wonder what you girls would think of the guys *I* go crazy for! (Brenda, I already know you have the same taste! Yum! 🙂 )

  201.  #201Lucy on June 24, 2010 at 5:00 pm

    Dorothea, thanks for breaking down that guy’s mishmash for me. 🙂 I figured he was trying to say something like that, but I’m kinda a recovering grammar bully . . . lol.

  202.  #202Sweetpea on June 24, 2010 at 5:06 pm

    Lucy – I thought he was calling you a pervert too. lol!

  203.  #203Sweetpea on June 24, 2010 at 5:08 pm

    Dorothea – Ok good. I’m glad I didn’t offend you.

    I don’t like my pictures much either. They aren’t nearly as hot as I feel!

  204.  #204Lucy on June 24, 2010 at 5:08 pm

    Yeah, Sweetpea, maybe he’s been talking to you-know-who about the 3way!

  205.  #205Sweetpea on June 24, 2010 at 5:12 pm

    Haha Lucy.

    I felt confused, but me being me, I would have asked him… “Thanks for the compliment, but…are you implying I’m a pervert?”

    cuz thats how i roll does the grammar thing bother you

    im a bit of a grammar nazi myself so i thought i would try it out its very difficult for me to now put in punctuation dont think ill make a habit of it

  206.  #206Sweetpea on June 24, 2010 at 5:13 pm

    I meant “not” put in the punctuation.

  207.  #207Lucy on June 24, 2010 at 5:15 pm

    I feel kinda bad. This new guy on pof who is a tiny bit interesting left me with nothing to respond to:

    Him: hello how are you. R

    Me: I am feeling happy at the moment. I like your hat. Lucy

    Him: LOL ty my hat had a hard life. It realy is in bad shape now.


    Maybe this is where the infamous smiley face comes in???

  208.  #208dorothea on June 24, 2010 at 5:17 pm

    i have a linguistics degree and grammar is my favorite thing in the world…but i have come to love the wonder that is human communication always following some sort of predictable rule, which is a grammar in itself.

    spa time!

  209.  #209dorothea on June 24, 2010 at 5:18 pm

    a grammar in itself even if it doesn’t fit so called grammar rules from text books*

  210.  #210Sweetpea on June 24, 2010 at 5:21 pm

    Dorothea – that was in no way meant as a dig to you. You obviously know more about linguistics than I do, because I wouldn’t have taken that message as an “arrow” at all. Hope I didn’t offend you.

    I just had to try out the no punctuation thing. Because of the field I’m in – I’m so anal about ANYTHING being misspelled or not being “correct,” so hate to get into the habit of not punctuating. Emailing on my phone has been bad enough on my “habit.” But… it was interesting to experiment.

  211.  #211dorothea on June 24, 2010 at 5:25 pm

    i definitely didn’t see it as a dig
    i saw it as omg i love grammar and language that i’ll talk about it at any opportunity

    i really didn’t think u were digging in to me.

    leaving for real lol

  212.  #212Sweetpea on June 24, 2010 at 5:33 pm

    Lizzie – I agree with your thinking about building an image around someone. I normally meet someone as soon as possible. I’ve not had much problem with forming expectations. The only guy I messaged for any length of time is history now, so I don’t have to worry about any misconceptions with him.

    I’ve shared a lot of my online experiences on here, but would be happy to share more if you would like. I was only online about… 2 or 3 weeks before I ran into Rori’s stuff, so I pretty much started out CDing. It’s kept me from getting too jaded.

    I don’t have a full-length pic up – partially because I don’t have a decent one & partially because I’m pretty chesty and I wanted to see what kind of response I would get without one. I knew it would cut back some on my responses, but I still have plenty of CDs.

    I just talked to one guy who told me he normally doesn’t message girls with just a face shot because it just makes him think they may not be all that honest. What do you think of that?

  213.  #213Sweetpea on June 24, 2010 at 5:40 pm

    Oh yeah. But the guy I talked to thought it would be a fun experiment for me to open another account with just a full length shot & see what kind of response I get from that.

    He was really fun to talk to, but seems like kind of a horn dog. lol… When I meet him, I might see if he wants to take a pic for me to put up though. I think he is sincerely looking for a relationship, but says the girls he meets generally want to have sex on the first or at the most, second date. And then they end up just being friends. I assured him I won’t be having sex with him on the first or second date. So I’ll know how big a horn dog he is by how much he pursues me now I guess. I probably just made myself a challenge. Hmmm…. bummer!

  214.  #214Sweetpea on June 24, 2010 at 5:42 pm

    Dorothea – good, good, good. It would feel interesting to discuss grammar with you. I used to not be very confident in my skills with grammar – I got bored by the noun, verb, participle, adverb, blah, blah – let’s just get to it. But then I realized I got a scholarship in college for a paper I wrote in English, so I can’t be too bad.

    I hope your facial goes really, really well!

  215.  #215Lucy on June 24, 2010 at 5:50 pm

    Sweetpea, that feels interesting that he said the women all want to have sex right away! Is he hot or what??? Why do they just end up being friends — his choice or theirs?? I feel curious!

  216.  #216Sweetpea on June 24, 2010 at 5:57 pm

    Lucy – I don’t know. I’ve seen a couple of profiles that ask things like “Is there anyone on here who’s not just looking for a hookup?”

    His pictures aren’t bad. You probably wouldn’t think he’s hot at all, cuz he’s 6’5.” And bald. But… he’s a bouncer at a male strip club and apparently used to dance, so he must be pretty sexy. I’ll tell you if I meet him.

    I don’t know if it’s his call or his that most of the girls end up being just friends. I think he’s a recovering playa. I’ll let you know how “recovered” he is. I don’t get exactly a playa vibe off of him, but I’m thinking he’s just finally wanting to settle down at 43 – so recovering playa. He’s practice! Solely practice. Check out playa radar skills…

  217.  #217Lucy on June 24, 2010 at 6:04 pm

    Hmmm, it will be interesting to find out how you feel around him! Maybe you’ll want to jump into bed with him when you meet him too! Haha!

    “Recovering playa” — sounds hopeful — for all men. 😉

  218.  #218Lizzie on June 24, 2010 at 6:15 pm

    Sweetpea –
    that guy must be fibbing -sex on the first date? I can’t believe it.
    I only have a face shot on the site and it doesn’t seem to be a problem for me. I have cruised the women and I find their profiles pretty boring – but I am not trying to date a woman so I guess it doesn’t really matter. I have gone from being in hide mode to open mode and like both but am very busy at the moment and I find that stuff so addictive. Mostly I can’t believe the odd stuff that guys do! like what makes them think that a photo of them, at age 50+, with a naked body, standing in shrubs, looks attractive???!!! and then there are the shots with motorcycle/car/truck/machine/more machines/ and more machines – like do you know a woman who cares about that? And what is with the taste in music???? I couldn’t give a shi@. But that is me. I tell all the young 25 year olds that hit on me to be wize and keep working on themselves because men really don’t age well.

  219.  #219Daria on June 24, 2010 at 6:15 pm

    haha just erased my post love ya tooo angles

  220.  #220Lucy on June 24, 2010 at 6:21 pm

    Aww, I know lots of men who are aging well. 🙂

    And my friend who got married last summer to a man she met on match . . . slept with him on their first date! I was surprised!

  221.  #221Lucy on June 24, 2010 at 6:22 pm

    I slept with D on our second date. It was way too soon but I felt like it at the moment.

  222.  #222Lizzie on June 24, 2010 at 6:23 pm

    What really astounds me are the men I meet – all comming out of 25-34 years of marriage. Like WTF!?? It really amazes me that they would have gone through so much together, lived through thick and thin, and not been able to find a way to bring joy to each other??? WHY???

    It has really taught me that a strong relationship is very fragile.

    I will approach any relationship now as a siren. I feel such a dramatic reduction in pressure and stress since practicing some of the tools. I want a healthy enriching supportive deeply passionate relationship. There that is what I want.

  223.  #223Daria on June 24, 2010 at 6:26 pm

    that freakin dude from yesterday is textin me. my phone is not paid today so no phone…

    so he’s texting me “why are you hatin on me”

    which is his standard hello line for years and he knows it makes me laugh or smile

    although i feel smily i mean — wassup with a huge apology and something even more extreme positive than that extreme negative

    also this other dude who i dated’s brother chats with me online and he lives way closer to me and last nite his brother was online an i told him i wanted to talk to him before but he didnt call

    so right now i just aksed for the brother’s number… which he didn’t get but he was saying before how he likes me but his not tryna cross his brotehr

    i just wanted his number to go kick it with him and smoke cuz i was feelin all explosive from this money issue

    but he didnt write the number

    lol i fele amused if my original dater calls me and asks i just dont give a f right now im gonan tell him well u dont give a f about me anyway so why trip

    i am feelin very unattached rite now

  224.  #224Lucy on June 24, 2010 at 6:30 pm

    Oh, I’m chatting online with the guy who wrote that email, “Alright, so you didn’t answer me. You’re still adorable.’

    And I’ve been answering his questions.

    And now he writes:

    “So you had 3? [kids]


    Don’t you want to ask me any questions? LOL”

    What do I say? I really DON’T have anything I want to ask him!!!!

  225.  #225Daria on June 24, 2010 at 7:16 pm

    so i was online chatting with this guy and im feeling very amped and fearlessly honest rite now

    and i told him i dont like when guys talk about money to me and it was a lil long what i said

    and then he said done

    and i thought he meant he’s not gonna talk about that

    and i was like ohh hwow youre good im impressed

    and then he signs off…

    and now im like wait

    he mighta meant done liek hes done talking to me cuz thats what he was looking for



    i feel embarassed taht i all “didnt get it” and gushed on, but whatever


    i feel a lil icky tho

    it would have felt fun to call him a jerk – i dont usually do that but i coulda experiemented

  226.  #226Lucy on June 24, 2010 at 7:18 pm

    “it would have felt fun to call him a jerk – i dont usually do that but i coulda experiemented”

    LOLOLOLOL!!!!! 😀

  227.  #227dorothea on June 24, 2010 at 7:44 pm

    i went to an expensive spa and my facial was ok. it was effective but i have some crusty stuff left on my face and i feel certain my aesthetician skipped on some of the parts (like the facial massage) on the service.

    i will go to somewhere else next time. i think my skin looks very good tho

    well, my LI left a nice message while i was in the spa about he is thinking of me and loves me. i texted him an hour later than i didn’t have the straw i needed for the mate tea we bought together, so he is offering to walk over here 40 minutes to bring me one.

    i think i shall be quite open to this display of chivalry. it’s tempting to bat it away as unnecessary but i am feeling insecure after the whole dream fiasco and i am going to let him make it better through actions. what do you sirens think?

  228.  #228Daria on June 24, 2010 at 8:41 pm

    so he came back and he was not dissing me. guess hes not a jerk.

    i told him i thought he was and i feel glad he’s not

  229.  #229Daria on June 24, 2010 at 8:43 pm

    wow cool cuz i felt like practically sure that he was meaning to diss me. really feel relieved my social intuition wasn’t off … and i love myself even if it ever was (middleschool love you daria)

  230.  #230Daria on June 24, 2010 at 8:56 pm

    tell me why Kasey on Bachelorette
    : i feel turned off by him
    : like im thinking like hes stupid or seomthing
    : or like
    : he’s not “seeing” allie
    : any ideas:

    he just keeps talking about how he’s next to his dream woman but i’m like… dude do you even know her

    whatsup with that? what is it that I feel uncomfortable with?

  231.  #231Daria on June 24, 2010 at 8:57 pm

    Whats Kasey’s Message?

  232.  #232Lucy on June 24, 2010 at 9:48 pm

    Had a great im convo with Mr. “You’re still adorable.”

    I finally felt tired and wrote the standard Siren statement: “well I’m feeling kinda tired”

    And he wrote: I’m feeling kind of interested in talking again soon.

    It felt cute how he copied my format (no, he wasn’t doing feeling messages the whole convo!!)

    So I wrote: lol I feel good about that

    Him: Awesome! Woohoo

    When I told him I was leaving for vacation early Saturday, he said that stinks for him . .. then said he had no problem sharing his # so we could text or call if I wanted while on vaca. So we exchanged numbers.

    I feel a little nervous about that cuz I don’t want to build this big text relationship before meeting him, cuz I’m not sure if I’m gonna feel all that attracted based on his pics.

    But I kinda like him so far. He won big points with me by sending that sweet note after I ignored his first one. 🙂

    I’ll just plan on taking it easy with the texting while on vacation.

  233.  #233Sweetpea on June 24, 2010 at 9:49 pm

    Lucy (217) lol! I better wear my chastity belt.

    Up til a couple of years ago, I woulda slept with him on the first date… if he’s a really good kisser! Lol

    I don’t see it happenin’ now though. I’ll let you know if he’s super sexy though.

  234.  #234Sweetpea on June 24, 2010 at 10:10 pm

    Lizzie – I feel pretty certain I would get more hits if I had a full length pic, just because men are generally so visual and he’s actually not the first guy to tell me that.

    The chest thing is a trigger for me. An ex-boyfriend told me “you’ll never have a problem gettin’ laid cuz every guy wants to be able to tell his friends ‘I did a girl w/ double ds’.” It just felt really yucky & degrading to me – not the compliment he thought it would be in his ignorance.

    I don’t have a lack of interest – but I would be curious to see. Just like when the guy on Match told me there’s too much info in my profile – I “need to leave some mystery,” I opened an account on a different site w/ just pics & a few interests listed. That’s just the way I work. I’m a research/ human psychology junkie!

    And I really don’t think sex on the first date is that uncommon. Maybe he’s exaggerating. I don’t really care. I just know that sex on the first date is not gonna be happening w/ me.

  235.  #235mary on June 24, 2010 at 10:14 pm


    Thanks Siena!

    It takes a lot of courage to put yourself out there like that. I admire your bravery.

  236.  #236Sweetpea on June 24, 2010 at 10:15 pm

    Lizzie – re: the guys getting divorced after so long, that does feel astounding. I truly believe that Rori’s tools are key to a lasting, happy partnership. I feel so excited & optimistic since I found her. I used to feel so doubtful that I could make a marriage work. Which is why I’m still single. I’m feeling more confident every day!

  237.  #237Brenda on June 25, 2010 at 7:22 am

    Lucy, RE: #200 – Taste in Men

    LOL! Ha! Yeh, Lucy, I can see why some would think Curtis Stone is handsome but, nah, not my type!

    My ideal man has long hair, at least neck length (like TN Man!! **pant! pant!**), is tall and muscular, and has well-defined, masculine angles to his face, something like Kevin Sorbo (Hercules) or Harrison Ford…or TN Man! LOL!

  238.  #238Brenda on June 25, 2010 at 7:25 am

    Lucy, RE: #207 – Ho-hum…

    No, this is where you drop the ball and let him pick it up again. What a borrrrrring conversation starter! Let him step up! (Hehehehehe! I’m learning!)

  239.  #239Brenda on June 25, 2010 at 7:30 am

    Dorothea and Sweetpea,

    I like to think of myself as a word artist. I love words! I got a kick out of it in the movie, “Never Been Kissed” when Drew Barrymore (“Josie”) is asked to the prom by the most popular boy in school and she says, “I have no words! Words are my life! This has never happened before!” I feel kinda nerdy like that, and I love it! 🙂

    I find great enjoyment in slaughtering the English language. I KNOW all the rules and spelling well…but, as you’ve probably observed, I like to spell things like they sound, like “enuff” and “thot”. Part of me laffs at convention! Part of me loves consistency and perfection!

    Lastly, here’s a little word thingy for you that I know you’ll enjoy being fellow wordies…

    “A slight inclination of the cranium is equivalent to an eclipse of the optic to an equine quadruped devoid of visionary capacity.”

  240.  #240Brenda on June 25, 2010 at 7:40 am

    Lucy, RE: #224 – You said, “Don’t you want to ask me any questions? LOL”

    What do I say?” When they say that to me, I typically say something like, “I like it when a relationship develops organically. I like to get to know someone gradually.”

  241.  #241dorothea on June 25, 2010 at 8:08 am

    I would ask something ridiculous, like “if 2x+3y=15, and y is 3 times greater than x, what are x and y?”

  242.  #242Brenda on June 25, 2010 at 8:33 am


    LOL! That’s funny! Would you really do that?

  243.  #243dorothea on June 25, 2010 at 8:36 am

    yeah, i totally would.

    the way they respond (either with the right answer or the way they say that they have no idea how to solve it) tells me plenty more about their character than “so do you, like, have any pets?” if they’re offended by my joke altogether, then i would laugh and hit the next button.

    i’m off-beat like that, though. it’s my style.

  244.  #244dorothea on June 25, 2010 at 8:54 am

    i had a freakin nervous breakdown right in front of him from all the triggers of that one dream i’ve been talking about

    boy oh boy can i not stuffdown. i tried but the second i did it, it all came up violently. i cried and cried. i felt so humiliated and angry for feeling humiliated.

    he said he signed up for all of me. and it’s ok to cry and have emotions.

    i feel hungover from all the crying. and being plagued by allergies and hayfever isn’t helping my stuffy head feeling.

  245.  #245Brenda on June 25, 2010 at 9:01 am


    I like your style! I think I am going to try that sometime! Yeah, I like comebacks off the beaten track like that. Makes them do a double-take and I agree, you get to know them better than by just asking a ho-hum question.

    Personally, I prefer no questions at all. My first boyfriend made it feel totally safe for me. He saw that I was shy and very inexperienced. Rather than pressuring me to talk, HE just talked. Then gradually, I felt more comfortable and just opened up organically. Memories.

    Sorry to hear you had a ruff night and feel stuffy. I think this is the sort of thing, tho, that Rori says is beautiful, and it totally increases a man’s attachment when he can see inside our hearts.

  246.  #246dorothea on June 25, 2010 at 9:03 am

    He just stayed with me and rubbed my neck while i worked (i was freaking out because i spent an hour crying and had so much work to do for my second job).

    i don’t get it.

    my ex wasn’t like that. he told me i was shit for crying and worthless and crazy. he told me he was sick of it every time.

    i feel confused.

  247.  #247Brenda on June 25, 2010 at 9:16 am


    That is so sad your ex talked to you like that. Crying is beautiful. Emotions are beautiful.

    Society teaches us that emotions are taboo, and to “stop crying!” “Stop yelling!” I feel healthiest when I release my emotions, be they positive or negative, with no regard about what people will think. Most people just can’t handle it cuz they’ve been taught it’s wrong.

    But sounds like your man is really healthy to have come alongside you with comfort like that!

    Keep unzipping that beautiful heart!

  248.  #248dorothea on June 25, 2010 at 9:19 am

    i feel completely unworthy and terrified that one day he will just snap and so OK NO MORE EMOTIONS OUT OF YOU, LADY!

  249.  #249Sweetpea on June 25, 2010 at 9:22 am

    Dorothea – I think your guy sounds amazing. And I think it’s great that you couldn’t stuff your feelings. I can tell you, my ex-fiancee never rubbed my neck when I cried over talking with him about cheating. He assured me he wasn’t & when I told him that he needed to change the behavior (coming home late from work EVERY friday night that he worked with her, not being available during lunch) he changed absolutely nothing.

    That’s beside the point, but. I think it’s a good sign that this guy is “manning up” & treating you with caring, support & respect. Ultimately, I know you are the one who has to be comfortable with whether your head or your gut are screaming at you right now. I wish for you that you find the peace of knowing & soon.


  250.  #250Sweetpea on June 25, 2010 at 9:27 am

    #248: Dorothes – lol! I find that highly unlikely. You set the foundation already with Feeling Messages.

  251.  #251dorothea on June 25, 2010 at 9:29 am

    I feel shocked and amazed at how great my skin looks. facials rock! i feel addicted already

    thanks to lucy and brenda and daria and sweetpea and anyone else who pays attention to my comments these days. i’m not sure what iw ould do without your support here. what oh what would i do!??!?

    you put so much love back into my heart when i feel all used up

  252.  #252Brenda on June 25, 2010 at 9:50 am


    You’re welcome! We are all learning with you…

    to love our sadness
    to love our fear
    to love our anger
    to love our beauty!


  253.  #253Lucy on June 25, 2010 at 10:03 am

    This is from the pof site:

    Men’s Top Ten Favorite Ways to Have Someone Flirt with Them

    1. Displays concern for him, his feelings and well being
    2. Talks about things he likes or dislikes, making comments and showing interest
    3. Shows him your a daring or mischievous side
    4. Sends him special/cute email messages
    5. Shares jokes or amusing anecdotes with him
    6. Compliments him on his screen name, attitude, personality and appearance
    7. Makes an effort to contact him in some form most every day
    8. Sends instant messages when he and you are online at the same time
    9. Discusses seriously the traits he desires in a partner
    10. Uses suggestive language in online conversations with him

    What do you all think? A lot of it sounds kinda like chasing to me????

  254.  #254Lucy on June 25, 2010 at 10:05 am

    Maybe men LIKE those things (and the attention), but don’t really respect the girls who do them????

  255.  #255dorothea on June 25, 2010 at 10:08 am

    lucy i feel yucked out by that list. “how to catch a self absorbed prince who will never be totally satisfied with you” by POF lol

  256.  #256dorothea on June 25, 2010 at 10:15 am

    1. Displays concern for him, his feelings and well being- sure if it feels good and natural to do that. if we havent met then there’s only so much i am going to care about
    2. Talks about things he likes or dislikes, making comments and showing interest – sure if i feel interested
    3. Shows him your a daring or mischievous side – uhh ok. let’s go streaking?
    4. Sends him special/cute email messages – chasing. pay attention to me, guy!
    5. Shares jokes or amusing anecdotes with him – are you paying attention to me yet?
    6. Compliments him on his screen name, attitude, personality and appearance – wow, i like LOVE your name, DenverGuy. It like, says where you live and which gender you are. omg SO clever wow can i have your babies?!?!?
    7. Makes an effort to contact him in some form most every day – ARE YOU PAYING ATTENTION TO ME YET?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?
    8. Sends instant messages when he and you are online at the same time – HOW BOUT NOW? PAYING ATTENTION TO ME YET?!?!?!
    9. Discusses seriously the traits he desires in a partner – i’m totally invested in snagging you for an exclusive relationship from our first email exchange so i just want to make sure i’m what you want so i can chase you around.
    10. Uses suggestive language in online conversations with him – cool, then let’s have sex on the first date. actually, that is so typical and boring. let’s have sex and THEN you can decide if you want to go on a first date with me.

  257.  #257Lucy on June 25, 2010 at 10:37 am

    I’m a thunderstorm.

  258.  #258Lucy on June 25, 2010 at 10:37 am

    Did I write that on the wrong thread? Ooops!!

  259.  #259Sweetpea on June 25, 2010 at 10:40 am

    #253 – my thought when I read that was, “yeah. That would work great if you’re looking for a boyfriend & not worried about establishing a foundation for a good relationship.” But I like the way Dorothea put it better! Heehee

  260.  #260Brenda on June 25, 2010 at 10:43 am

    I’m a bear.

  261.  #261Sweetpea on June 25, 2010 at 10:47 am

    Lol Brenda! I was just getting ready to say I feel like a soft, marshmallowy, spongy cupcake!

  262.  #262Brenda on June 25, 2010 at 12:25 pm

    Sweetpea turned into a girly-girl! Yeah cupcake!

  263.  #263Ankita on June 25, 2010 at 4:44 pm



    Last night, as I & Vishal were talking on phone, I said I am going to change clothes to sleep, he got excited, I tried my best to put the phone down, but Vishal didn’t let me.

    He said he wanted to touch me, to feel me. He was moaning, which excited me too, but I kept control on myself. He started persuading me for “letting him own me” from nearly 1:30 AM & I gave up at 4 AM. It was a WHOLE NIGHT OF PASSION, a night I had never experienced before, my waist and legs are so much in pain that I am not able to even stand properly.

    During that time, I had said, “I don’t want you. I know you’ll go one day, leaving me behind.” He assured he won’t.

    By the time when we finished, when we talked, he reminded me what I said to him, I asked him what he thinks of it, Vishal said, “May be general, not of much importance. But maybe deep down, that’s how you think about me, so you said that. I don’t know. You also messaged once that you like talking to me. I liked you were hard to get, but more than that what I liked, is that I WON YOU… I GOT LOST IN YOU…”

    I was stunned, here i am, wanting something serious, and he again, general..!!!???? Nooooo…!!! But still I stayed silent, thinking that pressurizing, saying him I love you or else, asking him to commit, is gonna ruin the situation.

    I just said i don’t want our friendship to suffer and I really enjoy talking to him, he said, he also likes talking to me. I then checked if he is going to call me on Saturday.. Damn…..

    I feel I have lost Vishal…. Don’t know what to do….

  264.  #264Ankita on June 25, 2010 at 4:47 pm

    It was the most amazing phone sex I ever had… But i am afraid of the outcomes… I don’t want him to look at me like a sex-object.. I feel angry at him, as to why he did make me lose my control…

    I want him to be serious about me, not casual…..

    It’s 5 AM HERE, and I am so tensed, instead of sleeping and resting after a whole night of energy consumption, I am sitting here, typing and scratching my head…..

  265.  #265Ankita on June 25, 2010 at 4:50 pm

    Damn me…. Stupid me… I lost control after 2 & 1/2 hours….

    I don’t wanna lose him… Ugghhhh… But i don’t know what’ll happen…..

  266.  #266Ankita on June 25, 2010 at 4:53 pm

    Damn me.. Idiot me… Stupid me….

    Who the hell did ask me to give in…????
    Ugghh.. I shouldn’t have lost control into his night of passion…..

    Now Vishal is out of my hands…!!!! Damn…!!!

  267.  #267Ankita on June 25, 2010 at 4:57 pm

    I feel angry at him, as to why he seduced me……

    I feel hatred towards him, that he’s talking my words so casually… He thought I was casual…. 🙁

    I feel angry at myself, as to why i gave in…..

    I don’t feel like talking to him again, but I want to hear from him, again….

  268.  #268Ankita on June 25, 2010 at 5:01 pm


    Who the hell did ask me to phone fuck this idiot…..

    I am stupid…. He tried to seduce me, and I got seduced…..

    And I also can’t ask him to commit, coz both of us are so young, and this was a phone sex, and that we have just started to getting attracted to each other…….

  269.  #269Ankita on June 25, 2010 at 5:03 pm


    Who the hell did ask me to phone f**k this idiot…..

    I am stupid…. He tried to seduce me, and I got seduced…..

    And I also can’t ask him to commit, coz both of us are so young, and this was a phone sex, and that we have just started to getting attracted to each other…

    His moaning got me going… i haven’t had sex in a while so got blew away… Woof….

  270.  #270Ankita on June 25, 2010 at 5:04 pm

    I can’t tell him that i wanna get serious WITH HIM…. but at the same time, I can’t be so casual…..

  271.  #271Ankita on June 25, 2010 at 5:10 pm

    I feel bad that am venting out my frustration and anger here, in so many comments… But I just can’t help…. I want him to not look at me like a sex object, I want him to look at me like a wife material….

    I wanna love him, but at the same time I feel angry and wanna smack him…

    I told him i feel angry, he said, “I am really sorry. This has never happened before, I don’t know how it all came out.”

  272.  #272Ankita on June 25, 2010 at 5:11 pm

    Whenever I look at his picture, his handsome smiling face, makes me wanna cry now….

    Uggh… I don’t wanna ruin my chances with him….. Damn damn damn……

  273.  #273Ankita on June 25, 2010 at 5:14 pm

    His description of how he would come close to me, suck me, kiss me, f**k me, is making my ashamed of myself…. when I recall them….

    How can i do this to myself????

  274.  #274Ankita on June 25, 2010 at 5:18 pm

    While I was trying to push him away, i also said, “i can’t love you ever.. Just leave me alone, and let me go..”

    Damnnnnn again…… I didn’t mean it, and he may take it to heart, but what I truly meant, sounded soooooo casual to him…..

  275.  #275Daria on June 25, 2010 at 5:38 pm

    2x + 3y = 15

    y is 3 times greater than x: y = 3x

    replace that in the original equation

    2x + 3(3x) = 15

    2x + 9x = 15

    7x = 15

    x = 15/7

    and y is 3 times that so

    y = 3 * 15/7 = 45/7


  276.  #276Daria on June 25, 2010 at 5:42 pm

    Ankita – hey babies!! you are trippin out.

    I feel jealous of having amazing phone sex (really?? Phone sex that’s amazing that you are sore the next day? wow!! I feel wowed)

    Anyways, phone sex is just that, phone sex, it has nothing to do with commitment or losing a man – unless he has some hangups around sex. So you are going to be fine to just date him the same as before. HUGS! Don’t worry so much. It was fun for you too – great experiment.

  277.  #277Daria on June 25, 2010 at 5:47 pm

    ANkita – to me it really seems like you’re being triggered by Old stuff taht has not much to do with him… i would hug my feelings! HUGS TO YOUR feelings… and intend to allow them to heal, and know i am worthy and beautiful and desirable

  278.  #278joan on June 25, 2010 at 6:42 pm

    Ummm, Daria … 2x + 9x = 11x = 15

    so, x=15/11

    and y=3(15/11)=45/11

  279.  #279Lizzie on June 25, 2010 at 6:44 pm

    Ankita – phone sex – awesome! congrats girl! imagine how fabulous you are to have a man with such terrific imagination and he can use it to bring pleasure to you. Be proud! not many men can do that – it just means that body to body sex will be even more fireworks.

  280.  #280Lizzie on June 25, 2010 at 6:45 pm

    I’ve been off this thread for a day or so – what is with the math?

  281.  #281joan on June 25, 2010 at 6:53 pm

    Lizzie — the math is in response to Dorothea’s post #241.

  282.  #282joan on June 25, 2010 at 7:41 pm

    Came across this article on another site I sometimes visit. The ideas presented seem to be complementary to what I know of Rori’s.

  283.  #283Daria on June 25, 2010 at 8:32 pm

    hahahah! omgosh joan im in love with you. please come marry me presently

  284.  #284joan on June 25, 2010 at 8:54 pm

    But, Daria, you’re Leaning Forward …! :-O

  285.  #285Daria on June 25, 2010 at 9:01 pm

    oh Joan – I erased about 3 tweaks to that leaning forward after posting and then decided i’d be leaning forward to tweak –

    but now that you have addressed me i’m home safe! yeah!!

  286.  #286Daria on June 25, 2010 at 9:02 pm

    I’m feeling strange and energetic

  287.  #287joan on June 25, 2010 at 9:26 pm

    Yes, it seems I did Step Up, didn’t I? Only thing is, I’d be committing bigamy . . . .

    I’m feeling strangely mellow . . . maybe it’s that cherry vodka I mixed into my caffeine-free Coke.

  288.  #288Daria on June 25, 2010 at 9:41 pm

    ooh. sounds smooth

  289.  #289Fareshta on June 25, 2010 at 10:25 pm

    Ladies, help! I have been following Rori for almost two years. I first started with her e-book and Reconnect Your Relationship CDs because my marriage of almost 10 years was falling apart. Turns out, as I discovered, my husband was a toxic man and our divorce is now final. We were separated for a year and during that time I worked on me. No dating or anything of that nature. Now here I am ready to start dating again after a year of no romantic contact with men. It has been over 12 years since I dated. I created an online profile with a dating site and I was overwhelmed with the responses. I have three dates lined up this week. I know a little about Rori’s concept of Circular Dating from her e-mails. I wanted to learn more so I ordered the Targeting Mr. Right DVDs. They arrived today and I began watching them immediately. The first DVD was great but when I put in the second DVD, it did not work and neither did disks 3-5. Has this happened to anyone else? I’m waiting to hear how I can exchange them but now I’m in a panic. My first date is tommorow night. Please help a sister out and start throwing pointers my way. I am nervous and excited at the same time. It feels wonderful to be happy again.

  290.  #290Ankita on June 25, 2010 at 11:01 pm


    After going through your reply, I thought perhaps I should appreciate him for his terrific imagination…

    I sent him the following text, “BTW, i really do appreciate your terrific imagination. You were the only person who did dare to drag me out of my shell.”

    what do you all think about this message I sent him???

  291.  #291Ankita on June 25, 2010 at 11:08 pm


    I really had fun, i always dreamt of such a passionate night, he did ask me what i want, and did way more than I asked… Kept chasing me for whole 2 & 1/2 hours, before I said yes to phone sex with him, and then, THE PASSIONATE NIGHT…

    But you know what freaked me out? i feel like I went too fast. He hasn’t proposed me yet, and all of a sudden, phone sex.

    It’s evident to him that I like him, but he still is confused, as he said, “May be general. You must have just said that in the heat of moment.”

    Damn… I was serious with him…

    I feel scared as to he might not get scared and run away… I don’t feel I acted scary, but male mind, no guarantees..!!

    That’s what i am scared of..!! 🙁

  292.  #292Ankita on June 25, 2010 at 11:15 pm


    I feel freaked out. i don’t want the same pattern as my ex did follow. He did made me a sex object, and I don’t want Vishal to look at me like this. I want him to see that I can be his wife as well, (if only he wants).. Lolz…

  293.  #293Ankita on June 25, 2010 at 11:19 pm

    RE # 282

    Joan, I just went through the article, awesome.. the first two do apply to me, 1) Stop worrying about what others think, 2) Do what you want and makes you happy…

    But still, i feel happy about my phone sex, but freaked out too, that it happened so fast, without us being clear what we are..!! That feels yucky…!! 🙁

  294.  #294Daria on June 25, 2010 at 11:20 pm

    Ankita – you are being triggered about your ex — and now you “see” that. This is what circular dating is all about!!!

    With a new man, our OLD triggers come up!! But we are in a NEW situation, so now we get a chance to feel those feelings, love them, and we expand, become bigger and more powerful and more whole.

    We are NOT in that old situation anymore!

  295.  #295Daria on June 25, 2010 at 11:22 pm

    Ankita – you guys are dating, no need to be clear, EMBRACE the icky, scary, unclear feelings!! YES!! let the waves of feeling rock you on your stormy sea… you are ok! you are a GODDESS.

  296.  #296StarLight on June 26, 2010 at 1:02 am


    ah, my heart is filled with joy for you … your man feels so right for you … I feel hopeful that your Siren-y babysteps will confidently lead you into his embrace with trust & belief in your RIGHT to deserve all he is offering … I feel wonderful and happy to read of someone on here who is actually experiencing a man who is stepping up … i feel thankful for your sharing xoxo

  297.  #297Rori Raye on June 26, 2010 at 1:35 am

    Fareshta – I’m so sorry = I think there was a batch of malfunctioning programs…just email rori@havetherelationshipyouwant and tell them, and they’ll get you a new program – they should be prepared to get you a good one fast…and we’ll help until then…for now – focus on having fun,practicing your tools as you talk to these men…Love, Rori

  298.  #298Fareshta on June 26, 2010 at 7:20 am

    Thank you, Rori, for your direct reply. I love how you truly care about all of us. All of your programs and e-mails have been a tremendous help and inspiration for me. I know that I will be a sucess story soon. Love you, Rori!

  299.  #299Wonder Woman on June 26, 2010 at 10:37 am

    Hi Sirens

    Does anyone know where I can find out how to best write a profile for online dating?? I have one at the moment that I wrote ages ago which I thought was good at the time and although I get lots of replies I feel like it comes across as too nice as a lot of the men that reply are men who clearly feel safe with me….by that I mean men who would probably not reply to most women because they themselves are not that fantastic looking…..ooooh I feel awful saying that but it’s true and the comments I get are always along the lines of “best profile ever”, “best profile I have read” but they all seem to be fairly serious types and not the fun and friendly type I am looking for…..and I do notice that I get looked at by a lot of good looking guys that seem fun but they do not email me. Ok, so a part of me thinks that is ok because those guys probably are not looking for something serious but my friend met someone online who admitted he was not looking for something serious at first but fell in love with her and I am worried my profile is putting these guys off and as someone said on here earlier in the week you need to maintain some mystery and I feel like mine does not…!! Any suggestions??

  300.  #300Wonder Woman on June 26, 2010 at 10:40 am

    Actually in addition to “best profile ever” I have also had quotes like “wow, I finally finished reading your profile” and “I enjoyed your novel”…..ha ha ha ha Time to make it a little shorter I think…!! 🙂

  301.  #301Sweetpea on June 26, 2010 at 11:07 am

    Wonder Woman,
    I feel bad for you that you lost your friend. I am so sorry. I just relocated because I was having the same experience in my hometown of having lots of friends, but I too, felt like I could drop dead & nobody would even realize it for a week or two.

    Now I’m staying w/ my adopted sister – we adopted each other 20 years ago – & haven’t been able to find a job. I’ve long out-stayed my welcome. Things are a little tense around here, but I believe that Rori’s tools – will help me to attract great, caring, close friends too. What do you think of that?

    I truly believe that the reason I haven’t had better friendships is because my heart has not been open to that, either. I was awed by the similarity of our experience.

    As to the profile help, you should check out Mark Evan Katz (or maybe it’s Evan Mark). I haven’t looked into his stuff in-depth, but I know that he has a program all about writing your profile & online dating. The tip that I remember from him is to not use adjectives in your profile. Not one. He says to tell a story. I haven’t re-written mine yet, but one thing I put in my profile that I think I will add onto, is that I love to run barefoot in the rain.

    I’m the one who made the comment about the guy telling me to leave a little mystery – I can’t say I completely agree with him. I’ve contributed the lack of what I consider to be quality men to a lack of decent pics. My sister is a photographer & has been telling me since Feb that she will take some pictures for me, but she has yet to do so. I would just go have some professionally done, but… The money situ. You might consider that yourself if you haven’t done so already though.

    Another thing I’ve noticed though, since I started just going out with pretty much anyone who asks… I treat them all as practice. Rori says at first, the “toads” – guys you’re not really attracted to at all – are the place to start. And learn w/ them to simply not give. Then you move on to the guys you’re mildly attracted to, but not tied to the outcome. I’ve found since I’ve taken that approach, the guys who are responding to me keeps improving.

    I hope this helps. Also, pretty much any of the paid sites have services where they offer help with profiles. Most sites also have some general tips on writing your profile.

  302.  #302Jeannette on June 26, 2010 at 1:01 pm

    Just curious here….how many of you would fall in love with a man who was deeply in love with you BUT his income was rather on the low end and he was not the most motivated man you’ve met BUT had the heart of gold?

  303.  #303Wonder Woman on June 26, 2010 at 1:28 pm

    Awwww…..thank you Sweetpea. I am always amazed how the women on this site make me feel listened to and understood. I am grateful you would take the time to write to me like that.

    Yes I do miss my friend terribly but in a way I have come to understand a lot about myself this past couple of years. One of the things that has come to light out of the tragedy is that I realise I relied so much on one friend and I have been forced to open myself to re-establishing old friendships and making new ones as an individual as most of my friendships were an extension of my best friend and that has been a journey for me. I am lucky in that I have a couple of single friends with children who understand the difficulties I face and who are very open and happy to discuss issues they face openly so I can vent, laugh and cry but I just feel like keeping contact with them is hard work sometimes.

    I do think Rori’s tools help with establishing friendships and just generally communicating with people on all levels. I am very open with people I know and trust (but trust is so important to me for me to feel free to speak to people). I do think it is important to me to keep a small close group of friends but I am stepping out of my comfort zone and communicating with more people as the weeks go by and this is very exciting for me. I feel very strongly you will have success and attract the types of caring friends that will make you happy.

    Although my situation is not exactly like yours I feel what you are going through. The tension at home etc. I send you a big hug.

    I will look into your suggestions regarding the profile. Maybe I will write one up and the Sirens here can tweak it. I think my photos are ok but having some professional photos sounds like fun. I always wanted a cover girl type photoshoot and makeover. 🙂

  304.  #304dorothea on June 26, 2010 at 2:11 pm

    jeanette, that was my situation with my LI. I had to tell him that i dont want to be in a serious relationship with someone unless they can take care of themselves and their bills. so he stepped up.

    i had to mean it…anyway i feel good about low income as i grew up poor, but i am not ok if u come up short every month or cannot save towards goals.

  305.  #305Rori Raye on June 26, 2010 at 5:14 pm

    Ankita – you’re not stupid…just not quite on your own team yet…you’ll get there! Love, Rori

  306.  #306Ankita on June 27, 2010 at 12:12 am

    Rori, Daria, & all Ladies

    Last night Vishal & I were talking, as the night gradually moved ahead, he said that he thinks “I like him.” I asked what makes him think so.. He said, “You like talking to me. And I felt that.”
    I said, “Well, I can’t say about that, but I know, I feel really good when I talk to you, I love talking to you. What about you?”
    He said, “Me too, else I wouldn’t have been calling you.”

    Then after a while, he again got excited and tried to start phone sex, I said, “I won’t let you touch me. It’s only for the guy who will make me his.”
    He said, “You wanna make me yours?”
    I, “It doesn’t matters, what matters is who is there to make me his.”
    He said, “I am there.”
    Me, “No way. You are intoxicated now. You will change the morning after.”
    He, “Nops. Am serious.”
    Me, “How much you know me?”
    He, “Really less.”
    Me, “Then?”
    He, “I wanna know you more.”
    Me, “Ok then. Describe me.”
    He, “It’s really tough but let me try. You are quite-so-simple, but focused, having a really high libido. In fact, anyone would like to get involved with you. Never in my weirdest dream did I imagine that ever I’ll get someone to compete me in libido, but you are there..! I want to get involved with you.”

    I asked him if he is confident, he said he isn’t, then I said, “Ok. Take your time. But unless you are sure about me, I can’t answer you & no guarantees of me.”
    He, “Ok. I won’t force you. It’s your life after all. You are free to do what you want. You don’t need to sit for me”

    I felt like smacking him, but stayed calm, coz I knew asking directly for anything won’t work, he has to feel such a powerful attraction for me, so that he won’t dare lose me, ever. Perhaps, it may take time.

    He told me many things about his past, though honestly I was getting so bored with all the not-so-important details, but still didn’t interrupt him, coz I wanted him to think that he can talk as much as he wants.

    He then said, “Even i should feel angry at you. Don’t the guys have right to be angry?”
    I said, “Oh yes. Why not? But atleast do tell me what made you angry.”
    He, ” You made me feel the way i never felt before, with your words, with your sex. I never felt ever before this way to get involved with someone. But i wanna get involved with you. But since I have a long time to marry, i wanna stay out of involvement, coz I know then I won’t be able to take control of myself, and may do perhaps the wrong things.”
    I understood what he said, as he is just 23, and I 20, we have a long time to go before marriage, so he wants to take it slow. I agreed.

  307.  #307Ankita on June 27, 2010 at 12:20 am


    He said he never shared so much details with anyone the way he did with me. From the past 4-5 days, he was feeling attracted to me. He told me the whole process that when actually the attraction began in his mind.

    To know my response to him, he used reverse psychology, he said, “I don’t think you wanna get involved with me.”
    I said, “Had you been here, i would have grabbed you by your collar, and would have stuck you in the wall, and then would have said i want a lifelong involvement with you.”
    He, “That’s what I exactly wanted to hear.”
    He again said, “You don’t trust me enough.”
    I, “I trust you, or else I wouldn’t have been awake whole night with you with you, and it’s already 4 AM.”

    I really like him… Though I don’t know our future.. I LIKE HIM A LOT…

  308.  #308Jeannette on June 27, 2010 at 5:08 am

    Dorothea, thanks for your response. My new guy is not super motivated but still pays his bills and seems to do alright. He drives an old truck and lives with his brother. I don’t know if I am stuck in the nostalgia thing or what…..We dated when we were 16 and 17. He is still the same super sweet guy you could ever imagine. He was in love with me then and says he still is. He has worked in grocery stores by day and played in bands by night. Just a man who marches to the beat of his own drum….anyway, very easy to talk to and gentle. Never had sex with him. NOT gay….He is pretty bashful and I think that has been his roadblock. Plus he has been put down by his brother a lot. He may appear a little slow because he takes a minute to listen and think but has a great sense of humor. Some may say he’s a bit backward. It’s just crazy I know, I am a motivated person and gone a good distance with my career. It’s the sweetness of his character that draws me. He is sort of real, humble…know what I mean? No I am not going crazy, just enjoying his uniqueness, and the ability to be my total self. I just don’t want to hurt him again. Wow, I have shared a lot here. Just an update….

  309.  #309Ankita on June 27, 2010 at 5:37 am

    Vishal also told me, that the guy who’ll get me as his wife will be a very lucky person & he should consider himself really fortunate, whoever he be.

    I said, “Oh ya. After all,am such a unique person.”

    He, “Oh ya. You are really a very very unique person.”

  310.  #310Ankita on June 27, 2010 at 11:24 pm


    I want your help.
    Last night I had a fight with Vishal. (Though I am not sure if it will be called fight, but it just didn’t feel good.)

    He called me & after some general talks, I told him that i know exotic dancing, etc. He asked me to describe it to him how I would do it. I asked him to sit on chair & did it.

    After that, he got excited & tried to have phone sex with me, I didn’t like it everyday, I wanted love & caring, I said to him, “Sometimes I feel like, you are with me for my body only..”
    Needless to say, it did hurt him much more than I even did imagine. He said, “I feel odd. I’ve told you before too, if you do remember, the answer to the question. I appreciate your feelings, had i been there I would have felt the same way too. But you know what, you don’t trust me.”
    I said, “I do.”
    He, “You don’t.”
    Me, “I do.”
    He, “Let’s talk in the day, we should not talk in the night, & I’ll return the Sim to my friend..”
    I, “Ok. Your wish. Your friend. You can do what you like. (Politely)”
    He, “What’s this yaar??? Don’t you think it’s all wrong??”
    I, “No… I mean…. I don’t mean this… Ugghhh… You are not quite getting me..”

    I just didn’t feel good & all I knew was that I wanted to get away from there, so I told him, “Am not feeling like talking now, I ‘ll talk to you later on.” But before I could cut the phone, it got cut itself.
    He called again & asked if I did cut, I said, “No. But even if I had thrown the phone, I would have liked you to call me back again. I would have felt angry if you didn’t.”
    Then I said, “Ok them. Am putting down the phone, let’s talk later. Bbyte. Tc.”
    He was silent. I said, “Won’t you greet me?”
    He, “Do you want me to? I thought you won’t like it.”
    I, “Obviously. I want you to say.”
    He, “Ok. Bye. Tc.”
    Then after a while, as I held the phone I again asked him to greet me , he said, “I did greet you na, when you did ask me to.”
    He sounded irritated, and it did bring tears to my eyes. I said, in a paining voice, “Ok. I am keeping down the phone. ”

    I just couldn’t understand what he was upset about, but after a while I texted him, “I feel bad that without much thinking I told you about the dance. I am sorry for that. It felt icky. And I do trust you. I know you won’t be wrong.”

    I don’t know what to do? All I know is that i just don’t wanna lean forward but i want him calling me back too.

  311.  #311Ankita on June 27, 2010 at 11:47 pm

    I just sent him the following text,
    ” Yesterday i felt really weird to not be able to figure out what did hurt you. But, trust me, I didn’t meant to hurt you. Is there something I should
    know? Are you angry with me? I’d really like to listen to you. What do you think?”

    what do you sirens feel about this? I hope I didn’t do anything wrong.. I tried my best to not blame him.., both last night and today…

  312.  #312Ankita on June 27, 2010 at 11:57 pm

    I hope he reads my text. Now I did try my best to make him feel appreciated.

  313.  #313Tina on June 28, 2010 at 12:20 am

    Ankita, l agree with Rori, your not stupid, just not on your own team yet.

  314.  #314Brenda on June 28, 2010 at 10:07 am

    Jeannette – RE: #302 – Hi, I have a friend in just that situation, where she met this handsome, impeccably-mannered man who is totally into her…and he has a learning disability and earns $7 an hour as a dishwasher part time.

    She is really grappling with it. She was driving an hour each way, several times a week, to pick him up and drop him off. She was on the edge of quitting the relationship, because he didn’t seem real motivated to earn. He’s just not materialistic.

    But he’s so in love with her, and he wants to please her, and he’s trying to get a better job with more hours. In the meantime, she’s a widow with 5 kids and her husband left her a decent amount of money, after they struggled financially before his death. So I think she’s in a position where she WANTS a man to be a provider but doesn’t NEED it to survive. She just bought him a car. I don’t really think she’s in a position to judge him because, altho she now has plenty of money to live on, she herself has worked in a bakery at a grocery store 10 hours a week for years.

    Anyway, I think the heart is most important.

  315.  #315Jeannette on June 28, 2010 at 3:25 pm

    Brenda, you are such a sweetheart. I do believe he is in love with me, it just takes awhile to sort things out. I don’t have a ton of money but still he is a very sweet guy. I just wonder how long I will have to work and maybe even help provide for him in the future. BIG decision if you know what I mean!!

  316.  #316Brenda on June 29, 2010 at 1:51 pm


    Yes, it is a big decision. And, I have faced it many times. I’ve sent money to men in prison for most of the past 21 years…the opposite of providers. Then last year I was dating a man on disability, because he has schizophrenia. So I have faced it.

    I personally am far more concerned with what is in a man’s heart. Money can come and go. But a man with a beautiful heart is a rare find.

    Every analogy breaks down somewhere, but here’s a pretty good analogy…

    When I was deciding on my major, I really wanted to major in theology. However, I hesitated, because it wouldn’t be a money-making career. I discussed it with my pastor, who said what was most important was my personal development, not money. He encouraged me to trust God to provide the money I need.

    So here I am, 18 years later, and sure enough, I am making as much money as a college grad, maybe more, and I am so happy I chose the major my heart wanted! Money is nothing but a tool to get done what we want. A partner is worth far more than money, if he’s a good one!

  317.  #317Jeannette on June 29, 2010 at 2:55 pm

    Brenda, just when I got too sure of how much Shy Guy cares, he forgot to call me Sunday night after asking him to call me the night before. He said it just slipped him mind!! What? he’s in love and it slipped his mind??!! He also said in a email today that he would call me every day if he had his way. He said he will do ANYTHING to make me happy. But, he also talked about how he wants to move slowly with our relationship although he knows I am the ONE he wants to spend forever with. Just to remind you we dated in high school then went our separate ways for 30 some years! But he looked me up. I tell you men are sure an odd lot sometimes!!

  318.  #318Brenda on June 30, 2010 at 7:58 am


    Are you aware that asking him to call you Sunday night was leaning forward? Maybe subconsciously, he felt resentful that you asked him to. Just let him row the boat of the relationship. As long as your hands are on the oars, he won’t row. Let go, and just trust him to pick up the oars.

    I believe the more gradually a relationship develops, the more longlasting it’s likely to be.

    Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
    Life is but a dream! 🙂

  319.  #319Jilly on June 30, 2010 at 8:51 am

    Brenda that is great advice! I often feel the urge to pick up the oars even though I know better…so it’s always good to hear “No! Don’t do it” 😉

    Jeannette…I totally agree with you! Men seem so straight forward and easy to figure out but then on the other hand they do stuff that’s totally confusing!!!!
    I had a guy look me up to (TK guy) for anyone that remembers and we emailed for a few day (we know eachother professionally) and then we were texting and the last text was…

    him: wanna go on a date?

    me: yes..let’s do that 😉 and nothing since then and that was on Friday…why would he go through all the trouble..ask me out and then drop off the planet???

  320.  #320Brenda on June 30, 2010 at 9:04 am


    Thank you! I have found a lot of men drop off the planet, too. One new CD guy asked me to text instead of email, so I did, even tho I don’t normally give out my number right away. Then he texted asking for my pic right away.

    I said no, I don’t feel comfortable.

    No answer.

    I waited two weeks and then not really caring, I initiated texting him, asking, “So what’s the deal? Are you looking to date or are you just gathering photos for your porn site?”

    He texted back that he’s been really busy. But still no follow up.

    Another man from sent several enthusiastic emails. I gave him my number and he texted, “Is this a good time to call you?”

    It honestly wasn’t…I was headed out the door to swim. I wrote, “I’m sorry, I promised myself I would go swimming before I go to bed. It would feel so good if you could call me tomorrow night!”

    He texted back, “Ok, good night!”

    Then nothing. But I just let them go and I know that the right man for ME will step up and treat me like a princess!

  321.  #321Ankita on June 30, 2010 at 9:36 am

    Brenda & Jilly

    These men can be truly confusing…
    For anyone who remembers my CD with Vijay, i had a a really great date with him, i enjoyed a nice time with him… Before meeting me, he was more than eager to see me, and we met withing 1 week of exchanging numbers, then as I came back home, I asked him how his date went? He replied great & asked me to plan the next date…
    It’s been 2 weeks, no call or mail from him.. ugghhh.. Disgusting…..

    I remmeber a something, during the date, he asked me,what was my output from the date, i said, “i just wanna date, nothing else right now.”
    He checked on me twice about he same question, getting confirmation… Then smiled…

    Ugghhhh.. Though I wasn’t interested in going in a relationship with him, coz he didn’t fulfill 2 of my most important criteria, but still, he seemed good for practice….

  322.  #322Ankita on June 30, 2010 at 9:38 am


    Felt like sharing an article from my inbox here, regarding to the MEN DROPPING OFF THE EARTH case…

    How To Evaluate Whether He’s REALLY Interested

    >>>> OK, Ankita,

    Let’s deal with the big question: “Does he
    like me or doesn’t he?”

    It’s something that women the world over get
    tied up in KNOTS about.

    Try this little scenario on for size and
    familiarity: you meet a guy. You feel that spark.
    You get those excited butterflies in your belly
    that you get when you meet A Potential Somebody.
    There’s definite flirting.

    … He winds up kissing you.

    Then: you don’t hear from him for a week or


    Does it mean he needs a little nudge? Does it
    mean he needs some encouragement? Does it mean you
    should call him?

    Here’s my take on the situation.

    If you are having to wonder about why he hasn’t
    called you – or worse, make up excuses for him (he
    didn’t know your last name/you didn’t give him
    your number/his life is just really busy right
    now/etc) – then your answer is staring you right
    in the face: HE IS NOT THAT INTERESTED.

    He doesn’t need any nudges. If he wants you, he
    will try to get you.


    So: no, you should NOT call him. If he really
    likes you, HE will call YOU. No matter what!

    When men really like women, they are at LEAST
    as resourceful as YOU are when you like a guy!

    Most women would conclude, should they find
    themselves in the situation of Example Woman, that
    he’s ‘just scared.’ He’s intimidated by her
    beauty. He’s just coming out of a really ugly
    breakup. His career is sucking up ALL his time
    right now.

    She should just give him some space and let him
    know she’s there when he’s ready.


    The ACTUAL conclusion is this: if he’s not
    calling, then IT DOESN’T MATTER HOW MUCH OF A
    ‘SPARK’ THERE WAS. It doesn’t matter how ‘into
    you’ he seemed to be at the time. It doesn’t even
    matter if he’s kissed you.

    If he’s really into you, NOTHING will get in
    his way of tracking you down and being with you.

    Here’s a home truth that most women don’t
    understand (or don’t WANT to understand): men
    don’t actually send mixed messages.

    We often THINK they do. We get all tied up in
    knots because we think they’re so complex.

    “Why would he pull with one hand and push with
    the other?” we wonder. “It doesn’t make any sense.
    Men are so complex!”

    It’s actually very simple. Those ‘mixed
    messages’ mean that he’s NOT THAT INTERESTED in
    you. If he was interested, believe me, you
    wouldn’t have to be wondering whether he was or

    But we don’t want to consider this fact. We
    want this guy to be GOOD. We want this guy to turn
    out to be just as good as we hoped he would be,

    So instead of looking at the situation
    dispassionately and realistically, we start to
    overanalyze. We create a load of excuses (sorry,
    ‘reasons’) as to why he hasn’t called/ made a
    move/basically proved to us over and over again
    that he’s into US and he wants to be with US.

    We spend ages dissecting the ‘facts’ with our
    friends, hoping for some enlightenment … (really,
    hoping for those ‘mixed messages’ to mean that
    he’s really really into us) …

    … and they reassure us that we’re great, he’s
    probably just nervous, and that we just need to
    give him some time.


    Please, ladies! FACE THE TRUTH. When it comes
    to men, there ARE NO MIXED MESSAGES.

    Here’s my first tip for being a first-class Man
    Decipherer: don’t pay attention to what he’s
    SAYING. Pay attention to how he’s ACTING.

    It’s easy enough to overanalyze words … less so

    Here are a few examples of some of the stuff I
    hear women asking, over and over again:

    – “Does it mean he’s into me if he says, ‘I
    really like you but I just really need to focus on
    my career at the moment?'”

    – “What does it mean when he says, ‘I love you
    but I’m not IN LOVE with you?'”

    – “Why did he kiss me last time we hung out but
    now I haven’t heard from him for a couple weeks …
    except I got a text message last night saying,
    ‘What are you up to?'”

    All of these questions have the same answer.
    And (if you can’t guess it already), that answer
    is, “I’m really not that interested in you … but
    I’m too scared to be straight up about it. And
    maybe I don’t want to burn any bridges, either. So
    I’ll SAY that I’m interested, but really, if you
    want to know the TRUTH, just look at how I’m

    I say this as kindly as possible, but I say it
    nonetheless: if you want to know how he REALLY
    feels about you, pay attention to what he’s DOING,
    not what he’s SAYING.

    And one other thing: pay attention to how he’s
    acting RIGHT NOW, not how he acted 2 weeks ago.

    Take the “he kissed me last time he saw me, but
    that was 2 weeks ago and I’ve barely heard from
    him since then” scenario as an example.

    WHO CARES if he kissed you the last time he saw
    you, if now he’s keeping his distance? How can
    that possibly mean, ‘I’m absolutely wild about you
    and I want to be with you?’

    You know what that behavior says to me? It says
    he kissed you because he felt like it at the time,
    and now he’s changed his mind, and he doesn’t know
    how to be straight with you.

    So, he’s saying nice things to you and keeping
    the BARE MINIMUM of contact with you so that you
    don’t get upset, think he’s an a**hole, cry, and
    ‘make a scene’ …

    … but all the while, he’s hoping like mad that
    you get the hint.

    What about if he says he really likes you, but
    he’s ‘too busy for a relationship’, or ‘not ready
    for a relationship’?

    Please. It means he’s too busy for a
    relationship WITH YOU. He’s not ready for a
    relationship WITH YOU. When a man meets a woman
    he’s really into, it doesn’t matter how busy he is
    – he MAKES the time to see her. And to see her as
    much as he possibly can.

    If you feel like you’re getting ‘mixed
    messages’, the harsh truth is that it means that
    you should cut your losses, and move on to
    somebody who will really, truly appreciate you for
    the great gal you are.

    FACT: When it comes to men, dating, and
    relationships, we must accept the fact that we, as
    women, actually have to do FAR LESS than we’re
    brought up to believe.

    We don’t have to coax him into asking us out …
    because if he really liked us, HE would ask US

    We don’t have to make the first move … because
    if he wants you, HE WILL.

    We don’t have to try and explain to ourselves
    why he’s not calling, sending mixed messages, or
    isn’t acting as keen as he once was …

    … all we have to do is remove the wool from our
    eyes, decide not to waste any time ‘figuring out
    what’s going on’, cut our losses … and then simply
    go about our lives.

    I realize that, initially at least, this is an
    extremely challenging viewpoint to take. After
    all, we’re WOMEN. We’re taught to be nurturers and
    carers practically before we leave the womb. We’re
    taught to ‘hope for the best’, to let the small
    things slide, to go easy on people, and to be

    And furthermore, we’re independent now! We’re
    taught to MAKE THINGS HAPPEN, not just wait around

    Hmm, yes … I understand that that’s all true
    when it comes to things like careers. Being pushy
    and assertive will probably work very well in a
    competitive job market.

    However …


    When it comes to men and dating, take
    everything you’ve been taught about the ‘right
    attitude to have’, and turn it on its head.

    Become a pessimist. Expect that, when he
    doesn’t call, it means he’s not interested. EXPECT

    Once you get your head around this viewpoint,
    it’s actually quite empowering. You no longer need
    to waste any time and energy ‘helping him’ to ask
    you out, waiting around for him to notice you, or
    trying to ‘figure out what’s happening’.

    All you have to do is become a REALIST, and see
    the truth for what it really is: that he’s
    actually been telling you the truth ALL ALONG.
    He’s just doing it with his ACTIONS, not his

    What this means for you:

    – Don’t help him to ask you out. You can
    encourage him, but DON’T DO IT FOR HIM. Examples
    of this: “I’ve got 2 free tickets to a concert.”
    Or, “Gee, I’d sure like to go out for a drink with
    someone tonight. What a shame I’ve got nobody to
    go with. (heavy pause.)” Or, “Why don’t you ask me
    out for coffee and we can get to know each other?”

    – If he is interested in you, not only will he
    do all the work, but he actually WANTS TO. I’ve
    said it before and I’ll say it again: men like to
    pursue. They like to see if they can catch you. If
    he wants you, he will try to get you. If he
    doesn’t, he won’t. If you find yourself having to
    do all the work, he’s not interested in you.

    – There is no such thing as a mixed message. A
    ‘mixed message’ IS your answer. A mixed message is
    him, stating loud and clear, “I’m sorry, but I’m
    not really all that interested in you.”

    I’ll speak to you again soon!

    With love,

    Mirabelle Summers

  323.  #323Brenda on June 30, 2010 at 9:49 am


    Thanks! Good article! Goes right along with what Rori says and the quote Tallgirl said on the most recent thread!

    Now that just leaves us to work thru the pain when a man leaves our lives. That’s the hard part for me, because I become so attached.

  324.  #324Jilly on June 30, 2010 at 10:06 am

    Thanks Ankita and Brenda 🙂 I needed to hear these things today 😉 Pay attention to the actions…not the words!! We have to stay strong…and vulnerable…um…good luck lol

  325.  #325Jeannette on June 30, 2010 at 10:13 am

    Brenda and all…the only reason I lean forward with this guy is because he is so darn bashful and his brother even admits it!! But, I guess it’s time he breaks out of that and shows me what he’s made of. He was bashful when I first met him when we were kids and HE STILL IS!!! Even after being in a rock band for years……SO…I will try leaning back a little more and see what he does with it. He’s got to get a little confidence going…It’s not up to me to do that for him. Thanks again Brenda!!

  326.  #326Brenda on June 30, 2010 at 10:37 am


    I totally relate to him being bashful. Ryan has all sorts of girl energy, and he leaned back further than Rori ever even thought of leaning back! So it has been quite an experience for me to lean back even further than him!

    Not easy!

  327.  #327Jeannette on June 30, 2010 at 2:03 pm

    Brenda, is it even possible without the relationship completely dissolving? And I am a woman who likes attention……We’ll see…..

  328.  #328Brenda on June 30, 2010 at 2:34 pm


    The only thing I can suggest is some of the feeling messages people have suggested on here such as…

    “I need a bit more contact than we’re having, and it doesn’t feel good to ask for it. I’m not sure what to do so I don’t feel taken for granted. What do you think?”

  329.  #329Wonder Woman on June 30, 2010 at 3:43 pm

    Ankita – Your timing for that post could not have been better for me:

    “But we don’t want to consider this fact. We
    want this guy to be GOOD. We want this guy to turn
    out to be just as good as we hoped he would be,

    YES, YES, YES!!

    Pretty much everything in that post sums up my Limbo man…..and the comment stating “I have two free tickets”….lol Yes, I am totally ashamed to admit it but been there and done that…!!

    It feels good to know he just isn’t that into me because now I don’t have to be into him….at all…..EVER AGAIN…!!

    Phew….it’s almost a relief….!! 🙂

  330.  #330Jeannette on June 30, 2010 at 6:35 pm

    Brenda, you rock girl!!!

  331.  #331Alicia on July 12, 2010 at 10:22 pm

    Mars/ Venus – Starting Over.. CH 9
    John Gray

    (I found this informative… not sure where to best post it…. This is all very true.. good to be aware of. (Also, saying this in a “tongue and cheek wink way”.. .. good for the women who are into to the cougar thing AND get attached Mrs. Robinson.. Here’s to you, take this into consideration) if you don’t then go Rock star. This applies to us all.. especially after a break up – Alicia)

    ** pg. 194 **Another way some women push love out of their lives is to expect passion right away in the relationship. If the don’t feel the earth shake, then they are not interested in a relationship. The are only interested in pursuing a relationship if they feel the spark of passion.

    When a women does not allow herself to feel her loss, she diminishes her ability to feel. She hungers to feel, but mistakenly believes the “right” man will
    open her up. She does not realize that the feeling she is missing is *suppressed. within her. To the extent a man to ignite her romantic passions.

    When a woman is not dealing her with her suppressed feelings, going out with a nice guy who is interested in her is not appealing. She needs to feel alive. There must be some dramatic tension for her to in touch with her feelings. When there is danger, she is aroused. The danger could be physical, but it is emotional. She experiences the possibility of losing his love.

    — Some women need to be in “relationship danger” before they can feel fully alive–

    esides from being a symptom of suppressed feelings, this excessive hunger for romance and passion is also encouraged on movies and t.v. If a woman favorite actress experiences immediate passion.. why can’t she?

    Women who depend on a man to awaken their passion for living will continue to be disappointed. Maybe women in the movies get turned on right away but, in the real world, it takes time and loving communication. In real life, the women who find lasting love are not immediately arroused. The passion they eventually feel takes time to develop.

    This is NOT the same for a MAN… A man may feel the sexual passion right away. Men are wired diferently. They first feel their sexual attraction, and GRADUALLY it develops into affection then INTEREST…

    When a woman experiences sexual attraction right away, it is a clear sign that she is “IMAGINING” in her mind that she already knows the man. When a woman feels sexual attraction tight away, it is clearly a warning signal.

    — When starting over, if a woman meets a man who ignites her passion, she should run the other way—-

    When a woman is attracted to finding passion, she lives in a world of disappointment. The only men that make her feel that passion, are in some way dangerous. Like the mountain climber, race car drivers need for speed. She is automatically attracted to men who can hurt her in some way..

  332.  #332Alicia on July 12, 2010 at 10:40 pm

    That article makes me understand why CD’ing heals and triggers really work.. It makes sense…

  333.  #333Alicia on July 12, 2010 at 10:41 pm

    Heal dualities

    “Beware of the fury of the patient man.”

    — John Dryden

    Our minds perceive and give relative value – positive and negative – to the different sides of a duality. We usually shun the negative.##

    It’s important to know that you cannot eliminate the negative by focusing exclusively on the positive. Energetically, both opposites must remain in balance. Increase one and its opposite will also increase. Try to be only positive and the negative within you will raise its ugly head.

    We work with dualities by remembering that each is part of the whole. We must acknowledge and accept all aspects of life, because they all exist within us. And so, if we seek to be honest, we do so by acknowledging our potential to be dishonest. We can also bring in love and compassion when we catch ourselves acting out the negative.

    Power arises out of integrating the positive and negatives within us. From the tension that exists between the two, we develop awareness and become more conscious and compassionate.

    “Any fool can run towards the light. It takes a master with courage to turn and face the darkness and shine his own light there.”

    — Leslie Fieger – author of the Delfin Knowledge System

  334.  #334Brenda on July 13, 2010 at 8:32 am


    Excellent stuff! Thank you!

  335.  #335Alicia on July 14, 2010 at 9:28 pm

    You know what’s funny seeing boundries change..

    This is probably from doing some Cd’ing and having a counselor that made it safe to tap into the waves ans waves of underlying anger.. and become assertive and not just shy away..

    I was at the mall. And those people in the T stands that stand out in the middle of the mall always want to grab your hand or stop you. And I normally avoid eye contact and walk close to a shopping window..

    Yet this week… one of those guys approached me and said Heyyyyy purdy lady can I ask you something. (feeling his sales pitch about to trap me) I looked at him in the eye and gave him a FIRM “No”.. haha.

    Did that stop him? Of course not… it was like I was in Jamaica.. So he said.. Can I ask you something else…. and again.. I said “Nope”.. It felt good to not avoid it and just say it.. Then he says.. “your breaking my heart” and I just giggled and kept walking off.. like I had the power to really do that in 2 seconds. Lil manipulator it all I have to say.. But, that’s how sales is sometimes, I get it.. haha…