Sex, Feeling And Attraction – What To Say – Bethany #3

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Here’s the next step in Bethany’s work – completely overhauling and reversing her opinion of herself, taking herself out of “doormat” mode and putting herself into “goddess” mode, having Boundaries and yet being soft, open, warm and inviting, advocating for herself and her ENTIRE life – not just the part of it she shares with Carl:

“Rori, After I e-mailed you I decided to let my feelings take me–I laid down on my bed and felt sad and angry and I even moaned a little.  Then I went downstairs after I felt a little better and he called me!

I didn’t feel angry when I picked up the phone.  I felt good and he came over and we watched the debate and I tried to speak my feelings but it was hard because to have a conversation you have to sometimes go into your head, right?

He would sometimes lay his head on my shoulder and I didn’t really like that because it felt like something a girl would do–also he says “I feel” a lot, although it’s always masculine “I feel that” “I feel like” messages.  I did say I felt “debate-fatigued” and he pulled me into him, and that felt good.

I just rested against his body and felt warm with his arm around me.  Afterward we talked excitedly about going away for the weekend and then we went up to my room and made out for a few minutes on my bed, he touched my breasts and touched me “down there,” then he had to go.

I felt weird while we were doing this because while I tried to breathe through my vagina my mind was telling me that we were rushing through the physical stuff.  Then he pulled me up and left.  I feel weird–I sooooo want him to say the things he said a couple weeks ago like “Bethany, you’re amazing” and share with me, but he didn’t.  I feel needy.

I like the physical stuff, but it’s conventional wisdom that if you do too much too soon that he won’t value you as much.  I have to figure out what I’m going to say and do in the car–come up with some “I feels” beforehand. Thanks, Bethany”

Here’s my answer:

Bethany – this is all about how you feel – and about turning that “needy” feeling into a relaxed, comfortable place of not knowing what’s going to happen next and not being attached to the outcome.  I know – it’s a tricky place to even imagine being – but that’s where it’s at.

Forget about “conventional wisdom.” What anyone else thinks about relationships has NOT steered us right in the past – so forget about it.  What Carl values is what YOU value.  If YOU value the sex you want to have with him, whatever that is – they HE’LL find it valuable.

A man will have exactly the opinion of you that YOU have of you – no matter WHAT you do!

You can swing from a chandelier and have sex with him all night after meeting him for two minutes – and if YOU value YOU – HE’LL think you’re MAGICAL.

In your letter, where you say this: “while I tried to breathe through my vagina my mind was telling me that we were rushing through the physical stuff…”

…I think that feeling RUSHED was a physical sensation for you – and then it went up to your head as a judgment – trying to make sense of the sensation and figure out what to do with it.

If you flip that “problem” of “what do I do when I’m feeling rushed?” – you’ll get “I want to take my time…”

Even if it’s a “quickie,” YOU want to feel in the spirit of the moment…feel connected and swept up in the tempo…you want your feelings and sensations to go WITH the tempo…you want to stay connected to yourself…

So – what would you say?

How about “Whoa…I feel like I’m not breathing…that feels so good…I feel like I’m getting ahead of myself here…I’m feeling overwhelmed…I’m feeling slower…It would feel good to slow down…”

Just look for moments of feeling like this – and write them down with the words to say that feel exactly like the true feeiings you’re experiencing, and these moments will increase.  Love, Rori

***This is such a universal problem for all of us – when to speak and when to be quiet, what to say, what not to say, how to say what you feel, how to say what you mean.

So – sit down and write out some of your situations where you felt uncomfortable and totally stuck about what to say…write out what you did say and how that worked, what you stuffed down and what happened next.

You can see that the moment Bethany felt “Rushed” – Carl stopped.  He sat up and said goodbye.  This isn’t mind reading – he could feel her “energy” drift away from him.

Let me know your thoughts and feelings here…Love, Rori

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