Sex and Intimacy – How Does Sex Work To Deepen A Relationship

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How does sex work in a relationship? (This is Part 2 of a series – here’s Part 1 ->)

How can you get the most pleasure, the most enjoyment, the most learning, the deepest intimacy, the most help for the forward moving of your relationship – out of the experience of sex?

The way to go here is to USE sex to practice INTIMACY.

That means you have to feel safe.

You have to feel safe and open, so HE’LL feel safe and open.

You have to feel expressive and you have to surrender to yourself in his presence.


You can’t do this unless you feel safe.

The “hard” thing her is – even if you actually ARE safe with him (he’s actually a good, sensitive, caring, masculine energy man) – you may not feel safe with YOU (because there’s so much of you you don’t know, don’t acknowledge, don’t love) – and so no matter how great he is, you won’t feel safe enough to really open up in his presence.

The way out of this is practice.

Practice with whoever you’re with, wherever you are.

And this is the only reasonable rationale for having sex in an uncommitted relationship where you’re not in love, exclusive, or any of the other things we hold important for sex to feel “safe.”

If you can find a situation with a “safe” man (to the best of your knowledge) – and you can USE your experience of sex in that situation to practice opening yourself up – that’s great (I’ve had that a couple of times in my life, and it was stupendous …)!

AND – it’s very, very rare.

Because when you practice opening up with a man you don’t “love” – all of a sudden you start to love him.

It’s because intimacy makes love.

Because love isn’t about HIM – it’s about YOU – and so if you are finally, blissfully able to express yourself without holding back and feel safe and loved in the presence of a man (this is why we fall in love with our therapists) – you will feel LOVE for him!!!

If you’re just going through the motions of physical sex – there’s no gain for you here. There’s nothing to learn. It becomes about hoping HE will feel something through the sex – and, yes, he will – if that’s the kind of man he is – AND if YOU are opening up to him and he CARES about you – but he just can’t do this intimacy thing by HIMSELF!!!

And if you are opening up and sharing yourself with a man who does not care – who is not capable of holding the space for you to be intimate with him, who is NOT SAFE – THIS is where we women get into trouble.

The reason we do this thing – this opening up with a man who is NOT SAFE, who does NOT CARE…is that — to us, he IS safe!!
Meaning – he CANNOT do intimacy.

A man who cannot do intimacy – when we pick this up subconsciously (if we are sufficiently afraid of intimacy and of being who we are and loving all the dark parts of ourselves along with the light parts) – we feel safe.

We feel safe from scary intimacy.

And so we let go and surrender to the WRONG SITUATION.

The one that actually PROMISES – distance!!

Two people who require a certain amount of emotional distance from each other in order to feel safe from all the inner feelings they wish to not experience will do nearly anything to maintain that distance.

When one opens up, the other closes down.

This is why baby-steps are CRUCIAL.

You go first.

Continuing in Part 3…on the 16th…

Love, Rori

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  1.  #1Nikita on August 21, 2010 at 8:54 pm



  2.  #2janjune on August 21, 2010 at 9:21 pm

    loving the many uses of the
    *holding the space* concept….

    i feel resistant to practicing sexual intimacy with men though, i want them to marry me first!! 🙂
    then we can practice and practice and practice!
    and practice and practice and practice…. 🙂
    that’s just me though……., i get the point being made here….

  3.  #3Nikita on August 21, 2010 at 10:04 pm

    Lol 🙂 Safety First!

  4.  #4faubourg on August 22, 2010 at 3:48 am

    I agree i feel safe when there is distance and not because the man is safe himself.

    I wish to try with a safe man with no distance

    I want that, really, even if it feels unsafe for me

  5.  #5cin on August 22, 2010 at 3:52 am

    I’m dating a man who is overly outgoing and that doesn’t feel safe for me for some reason.

  6.  #6faubourg on August 22, 2010 at 4:21 am

    i feel unsafe when the man is handsome, elegant, kind, smiling, self confident and has a good job and when he fancies me and he is single
    i could run very fast, i do actually, i avoid them as hell,

    i wish not to avoid them anymore, to stay, to talk to them, to have sex with them, to go out with them (oh my god!) and
    when i go back home i scream my fear
    but no running away, i stay with safe men now, this is my goal now
    i accept my fear, i accept my feeling of inadequacy, i accept my feeling of not being enough, i accept my terrible self image, and i accept my whole self

    i will smile to this kind of men now,

  7.  #7Brenda on August 22, 2010 at 7:37 am


    I’m carrying this over from the long, long “You Can Circular Date…” thread…

    You said “… intention is everything … even “f*ck you” can be loving if said with loving intention.”

    Yep, that’s another thing I say to Kenny. The first time I did it, I said it in a mock nasty voice, “F*ck you!”

    He looked shocked, cuz we had just been having a loving time, “Whaaat? Why’d you say that??”

    I smiled and said sweetly, “Because I want to f*ck you!”

    Then we both started laffing! You gotta understand this man has been in prison about 20 yrs and has harsh things happen on a daily basis. So he is tuff, tuffer than any man I ever met. And he has a heart of gold. So his joking is typically really off the wall, and he teases me to the nth degree! So I tease him right back.

    We have such a strong bond of love after so many really deep hardships together that nothing will ever break it.

    What I feel in the midst of saying “F*ck you!” and “bitch” to him is tender love and deep acceptance. It is that acceptance that gives us that level of security in our relationship.

    I don’t want or need that dynamic in my relationship with Bill. I sense, after a couple of my blunders, that he really needs a lot of warmth and softness. And I am very happy to give that to him! 🙂

  8.  #8Renee on August 22, 2010 at 7:42 am

    This post really resonates with me…it reminds me of my mini relationship with long distance guy…he was one of those people who was emotionally ‘closed’ (he didn’t seem to be able to access his feelings about things very easily) and I believe I felt safe with him because I didn’t risk real emotional intimacy, but once we slept together, I started feeling vulnerable wanting that emotional intimacy, but it was never really there in the first place.

    In my current situation, I’m seeing (among other men) a man I’ve become physically intimate with who feels “safe” to me because he’s really wanting a relationship with me and I have a “take it or leave it” attitude towards him, which I actually consider to be great progress for me…I don’t feel like a prisoner caught up in the guilt of expressing myself sexually with this man because I’m not attached to the outcome and that feels much better to me. It’s also enabling me to feel like I can take or leave the other guys who are interested in me, though there are a couple who are definitely intriguing.

    I guess what I’m saying is that this circular dating tool has helped to raise my self awareness and self esteem and has helped to give me a much clearer perspective…I’ve reached the conclusion this morning that Indy guy may or may not step up, and whatever he does, that’s ok because if he doesn’t step up, he’s not the one for me (as the song says, lol). In the past, he would have had most of my attention specifically because he’s the one not stepping up as much as the other contenders are, but comparing the way I feel when I’m not with him to the way I feel when I’m not with the other men (regarding our relationship, that is) I realize that I don’t feel particularly wanted by him…oh, I feel desired — he’s not pushing for sex, but has made it very clear he desires me — but I don’t feel like he’s really wanting to make space for me in his heart or in his life, and I’m not going to let that trigger me this time.

    I will continue meeting/dating the myriad of men who are on my radar screen right now and as long as I feel confident, lean back and try to stay in my feminine energy (proving to be my biggest challenge), the right guy will step up…

    I just read Evan’s “Why He Disappeared” and found it fairly enlightening, but mostly it just served to reaffirm what I already knew in my heart about men and relationships. There are players out there (who will usually give you firm signals that they’re players) but most guys really just want to love and be loved in return…they’re just trying to find a good ‘fit’ like we are and I’m not going to be a good ‘fit’ for every guy just like most guys are not a ‘fit’ for me, and that’s ok. I did really enjoy his advice about how to act on dates, however…he made me think of a few things I hadn’t really thought of.

  9.  #9Jacqueline on August 22, 2010 at 11:30 am

    Renee – hey! It’s so cool you got Evan’s stuff! I was wondering if he says he was looking for himself to find a good fit or how much emphasis he gave to listening to what the woman wanted and thinking whether he would be a good fit for her? I think if we make it clear what we want, if they’re not into it, they dissapear, as well. I also wanted to tell you that I have been reading your stories, and am very impressed with you actively cding….and loved the I love a cab comment. lol…..

    My guy and I were talking about some of the emails I got when posting – and how you can tell a lot from the guys email – like travelinguy….ummm, nooo, or the dump play on words one ic*mforyou…..ugh….What do you think??

  10.  #10Jacqueline on August 22, 2010 at 11:31 am

    @ Brenda – hey!!! I wondered if I was going to have to email you to check on you cuz I missed you yesterday…but I see you’re in fine Brenda cheekiness spirits here today…..


  11.  #11Granuaile on August 22, 2010 at 11:43 am

    I haven’t been here for a while. New job, new relationship, holidays, summer…. It’s nice to read about the changes in sirens lives.

    I’m amazed that I’ve come back in time to read the Sex and Intimacy series. And it’s been great to read Girls honesty (and Nikita).

    For the first time in my life, I’m in a relationship where I feel really adored. I don’t quite believe that I’m loved and I keep expecting him to disappear. He thinks I’m crazy to imagine that. Het talks about a future together. He does all the planning and I try to breathe!

    He loves me even though I get cranky and can be difficult. I remember that someone said here ‘You can’t say the wrong thing to the right person’. How amazing that it seem to be true.

    I love spending time with him doing things I’d never do without him – sailing, diving, playing with dolphins, visiting tiny islands..

    My big worry is sex. I could care less about it! I hate when he kisses me. I love hugging, cuddling, giggling, touching him.. BUT, sex is boring. He tries hard, I have orgasms BUT it’s still boring. He wants a lot of sex. I pretend to be asleep sometimes. I can’t believe that sex can be great or spiritual or exciting or even fun.

    But I’m going to stick with this relationship and see if I can learn to tolerate intimacy, being loved, having someone in my space, possibly sex too….

    It’s good to hear Mercedes and Tinque talk about sex and intimacy and that it’s possible!

  12.  #12Renee on August 22, 2010 at 12:01 pm

    Jacqueline — I finished reading Even’s book in about an hour and found it was pretty good. He didn’t really say anything about listening to what the woman wants and figuring you’re not a fit for her…the gist of it was that men date women who make them feel good and it went into ways we make men feel good and bad. I know I’m not doing the book justice right here and I know Evan triggers a lot of women, but I just found it very interesting and saw myself in a couple of scenarios.

    But I can absolutely related to what you’re saying — if you say you want xyz and he’s none of those things, he probably won’t feel good about himself being with you, so he probably will disappear.

    The Spaniard I may go out with was talking to me the other day and talked about men doing the “pump and dump”…basically going out with a woman 2 or 3 weeks, sleeping with her and disappearing. He says there’s something bio-chemical that goes on for a man when you wait for at least 6 weeks to sleep with him…like he’s bonded to you more at that point and won’t freak out and run.

    I think he makes a good point and I’m going to try to stretch out the “make out” phase of my next relationship for much longer (though it will be a challenge). But that’s what Evan suggests you do too — make sure the guy knows you’re into him and would LIKE to sleep with him, but just don’t do it right away because he will think you sleep with everyone right away. So the Spaniard says always wait about 6 weeks and that’ll greatly diminish the chances of someone disappearing. (Don’t mean to ignite another firestorm here — just sharing what a highly eligible, successful bachelor just told me as well as what Even says.)

    One thing I don’t get though, and I would love it if Rori would address this, is that Even talks about the qualities men universally want in a woman (she’s fun, playful, agreeable) but he also says “nurturing” and I remember Rori talking about “nurturing” being a masculine energy thing because it’s activity-based. So is “nurturing” feminine or masculine? I’m a little confused…

  13.  #13Rori Raye on August 22, 2010 at 12:09 pm

    Granuaile – this man needs your help to be a better lover. See if you can find a Tantric Sex workshop in your area – you’d be surprised – they’re all over. Get a gook – Extended Massive Orgasm is really helpful…since he wants to have sex so often – think of it as PRACTICE! – Practice for you in doing and saying new things to him to help him — you might want to check out Tinque – she’s all about this – you might be amazed what you can do just on your side of things to help a man…Love, Rori

  14.  #14Jacqueline on August 22, 2010 at 12:18 pm

    Renee…thanks for writing….yeah, my canned speech: Im not falling in love, I want to marry a rich man and travel the world, which btw my friend made up after she wasn’t around to tell guys she’s gonna eat you up and spit you out…and NONE of it detered them…I figured they weren’t really listening.

    I am someone who’s had great success with long term relationships where I slept with them asap, but hey! anything that makes them pursue you is good – that’s what I can finally put words to…no matter what I did to get their attention, they all came after me, and there’s a lot of positive in that for me; probably for us all!

    Nurturing can be – the way I’ll bet Evan sees it – as kind of a holding space….or maybe you just rub his head….gosh, what man doesn’t love a head rubbing, etc. not so much active but like letting it be ALL about him, no challenges, no demands, no desires….just it’s all you’re the purrrrrr cat for him when he shows up and what does he need/want???

    Granuaile….I totally get you, if the kissings no good, none of the rest helps much….sigh…..but hey! love what Rori’s says! And Mercedes said she’d be back Monday….

  15.  #15Brenda on August 22, 2010 at 12:34 pm

    Jacqueline, Thanks for thinking of me! Yeah, it’s been a busy weekend, and it isn’t over yet. This is just a mini-break. So I’m cheeky, huh? 🙂

  16.  #16tinque on August 22, 2010 at 12:34 pm

    Granuaile –
    This is curious. Your man might need a little “showing” how you work best, how you like best to be touched so that you feel good.
    Extended Massive Orgasm is a great book to check out as is The Art of Sexual Ecstasy. My book deals with this too.
    Men can be taught in non-threatening ways, where they are not even aware that you are teaching, where they believe it was all their idea.
    If he’s all you say he is, ask yourself if he’s worth it.
    There may also be something in you which is not allowing the good feelings.
    This is something to consider.

  17.  #17Renee on August 22, 2010 at 12:38 pm

    Jacqueline — Well, I used to be the way you are now…when I was in my 20’s, I was a “serial monogamist”…now I struggle with having a relationship turn serious. I have no problem landing 1st or 2nd or 3rd dates, but things usually blow up around 3-4 weeks into things (in the past, shortly after we’d start sleeping together) and I would feel abandoned (even if I participated in behaviors that actually triggered the break).

    Lucy — that’s an interesting perspective from Jacquline’s SO about WH…does that resonate with you at all? Perhaps he’s more like Indy guy in that he likes me and would like to spend more time with me, but I don’t live around the corner so he’s hesitant to step up and let things really become something (at least, that’s my take on it). Some men freak because of a little distance. What do you think?

  18.  #18Granuaile on August 22, 2010 at 12:46 pm

    Hi Rori and Tinque,

    Thanks. I’ll definitely get those books. And yes Tinque, it could very well be me who is blocking feeling good.

    But how to teach a man to be a good kisser?? I try to show him how I like to be kissed but he likes to probe with his tongue all the time, no little nibbles, no light kisses on the lips. I feel a bit invaded by his tongue, his fingers, his penis everywhere at the same time! How to say Stop, It’s too much.

    He has a bit of a soft heart and cries easily (mostly when I’m really nice to him) so I don’t want to hurt him.

    Yep, it could be me… But I’m grateful for this chance to grow.

  19.  #19tinque on August 22, 2010 at 12:55 pm

    How about this Granuaile. “It would feel SO good if we slowed down, took our time when we make love. I just love soft kisses and gentle nibbles. It makes me feel all melty inside.”
    Or something like this, your words. And really melt your body inside and out as you say this, soften and smile and melt.

  20.  #20Jacqueline on August 22, 2010 at 2:56 pm

    Renee – lol, I am a confirmed committment phobe serial monogamist!!! but crud, they relationships last from 4 – 10 years, and sometimes I feel I’m running out of time… heee heeee….told one boyfriend who told me “you’ll never keep a man!” in shock, ummm, why would I want to keep JUST ONE???


    How about saying I wanna play a game where you’re the submissive one…or some cutesey way of saying it….so you just sit here and I get to touch you…then we move to you can touch me in the exact same way and places I touch you….heck, use a scarf to tie his hands up. I used to just tell them to pretend they were tied up, lean back and let me do all the work…..soft nibbles, breathe in ear….I cannot stand to feel poked instead of rubbed…well most of the time! Good luck and thanks for joining us here!

  21.  #21Jacqueline on August 22, 2010 at 3:03 pm

    ps….what really helped me Renee was my best friend for 30 years….she promises me that even if it gets serious I will never let them make me self destructive, because something in me snaps before that and I just boot em to the curb, no matter how much “love” I feel. It never feels like I could do that at the time….but even if it takes 10 years, indeed there is a point beyond which I will not tolerate bad behavior, even if it’s just subtle or verbal, etc. Time has proven her right…over and over…thank heavens!!! And you know what? THEY know when they have crossed that line, it’s my tone or something…not even yelling just being…and sometimes they quickly jump back and sometimes it takes em awhile to figure out I’m done….which usually results in some nice gifts during that time. heee heeee…

    what I’m saying is it’s OKAY to let it go on past the three month mark, even if you think or know you’re gonna break their heart one day…..they’re way more resilient than we give em credit for….or if you think one day they’re gonna yell at you, but you said you loved me….it just really does end authentically when it’s time, and that takes the fear away for me. And sometimes Mr. Right Now is that way for a looooong time!

    My first post here Rori told me “just think of it as a 10 year lesson in learning to love yourself……” and indeed, it was.

    Sirens calling… and money rushing at us….


  22.  #22Jacqueline on August 22, 2010 at 4:13 pm

    @ Brenda…heck, yeah, I think when you’re happy you are just “cheeky” as all get out….makes me grin!!

    Two DOZEN balloons to you for weekend working!

  23.  #23Lucy on August 22, 2010 at 4:35 pm

    I love this from Rori’s eletter:

    When an artist paints a woman “in the nude” –
    it’s not about her body – it’s about seeing her
    heart and soul without anything getting in the

    Hi Brenda. Good to see you on here today! <3

  24.  #24Suzi~Q on August 22, 2010 at 6:54 pm

    **The “hard” thing here is – even if you actually ARE safe with him (he’s actually a good, sensitive, caring, masculine energy man) – you may not feel safe with YOU (because there’s so much of you you don’t know, don’t acknowledge, don’t love) – and so no matter how great he is, you won’t feel safe enough to really open up in his presence.**

    Yup … That’s me alright! And it makes me want to cry that four years into this amazing relationship, that I am still working on it … and because my man is so amazing and patient to let me grow at my own pace and depth, because he knows the deep hurt in my past, and that I am working to heal past that, and into a beautiful and blossoming future with him!

  25.  #25Mercedes on August 23, 2010 at 6:38 am

    I like this:

    “The “hard” thing her is – even if you actually ARE safe with him (he’s actually a good, sensitive, caring, masculine energy man) – you may not feel safe with YOU (because there’s so much of you you don’t know, don’t acknowledge, don’t love) – and so no matter how great he is, you won’t feel safe enough to really open up in his presence.”

    Much Love,

  26.  #26dorothea on August 23, 2010 at 7:52 am

    I talked to my exclusive sex partner/LI on Saturday about sex and intimacy and opening up.

    I told him I felt like I was at a brick wall with sex. That I could go so much deeper and more open, but that I didn’t feel comfortable going there outside of a serious commitment like marriage. He was puzzled because he is already very happy with our sex life, but the truth is there’s so much more I could be exploring and also letting go with.

    It feels a little cheap having this ‘superficial’ sex, though, when I know it could be a bazillion times better.

  27.  #27Erika Awakening on August 23, 2010 at 8:07 am

    “You have to feel expressive and you have to surrender to yourself in his presence.


    You can’t do this unless you feel safe.”

    Rori, this post resonates with me even more than maybe any of your posts before EVER. Your explanation of baby steps is sooooo right on … as I hear it, it’s so the fear doesn’t get overwhelming for either person and squelch the connection …

    And that’s kinda part of where I was going with my “reframing silence” riffs yesterday … there are lots of reasons why silence can be good in a relationship, and one reason is providing space for ME to get present with any remaining fears that *I* have about intimacy so I can clear them out of my energy system and intimacy can continue smoothly. (Not ever blaming it on HIM, because that gives my power away.)

  28.  #28Erika Awakening on August 23, 2010 at 8:09 am

    “You have to feel expressive and you have to surrender to yourself in his presence.


    You can’t do this unless you feel safe.”

    AND … that surrender is the ecstasy. When I heart connect with VG and feel the euphoria, it’s the surrender you’re talking about here. And the safety comes from ME not from him. It comes in my faith in my ability to connect with men …

  29.  #29Erika Awakening on August 23, 2010 at 8:10 am

    Though because he is my mirror, it also comes from him … but it starts in me … the safety starts in me, and that’s how I attract men who can offer it …

  30.  #30Brenda on August 23, 2010 at 10:30 am

    FYI Everyone:

    My facebook account was hacked.

    Someone wrote nasty messages to my friends as if it was coming from me. I think it was a prankster…it didn’t seem like anyone I know. They left a P.S. on my profile that I forgot to sign out of my account.

    Just a caution to sign out each time and be careful!

    I deactivated my account.

  31.  #31janjune on August 23, 2010 at 10:46 am

    wow brenda that feels creepy.
    kinda like getting cyber mugged or something.

    glad you deactivated.

    i just had charges applied to my credit card account recently from a store i haven’t been in for months…

    it felt awful when that happeed. unprotected.

  32.  #32Jacqueline on August 23, 2010 at 11:27 am

    oooh, Brenda – ugh! I’ve got f/b locked down so tight and it still manages to trick me! If you google facebook security there’s lots of good stuff, like how to have search engines pass you by – I never even had it until recently when some old game forum friends started getting back together.

    @janjune…wrote about koans on the EMK thread…hope you like it!

    You all have a great Monday

  33.  #33Jacqueline on August 23, 2010 at 11:30 am

    Wow, so I went to log out and noticed below log in info there’s a little box automatically checked saying keep me logged in….and I had done everything the articles recommended and missed it! Thanks, Brenda!

  34.  #34janjune on August 23, 2010 at 12:08 pm

    hi @jacqueline


    i’ve been studying about the koans (right NOW!) and want to comment back to you after this information percolates awhile…

    i hope you will be back to check out my comment and to give feedback if you feel inspired to do so….


  35.  #35janjune on August 23, 2010 at 12:16 pm

    @ jacqueline

    no, i just went back and looked at my previous comment addressing koans (#324 – EMK) and feel that i’m now just refining those concepts, not dealing with further new information (at this time).

    any thoughts you have that you feel like sharing any personal observations from you would be so welcome…

  36.  #36bea on August 23, 2010 at 12:56 pm


    Thanks for your comment and your support. It feels good to know that there’s a community of women with whom to perfect the art of being strong yet feminine, something that’s not always applauded in these days of the superwoman.

    Mostly I’m working on why I felt a bit unmoored with the boy and trying to regain my balance. When we were together I was uber-feminine because that’s my nature; it was when he would disappear that i’d worry and that worry would make me lean forward (although I only texted him feeling messages or to ask his advice, i will never even do that again but, in the future, leaving a man totally alone to find his own rhythm of freely coming in and out of my life). I’m practicing staying centered in the inbetween parts, secure that either the boy will turn up again (men always do) or a new one will slide in (they always do).

    i’m wondering how other people handle it when yo’re CDing and suddenly one guy pulls ahead of the others in your feelings, you become more vulnerable to his actions and he’s just not in the same place yet.

  37.  #37Jacqueline on August 23, 2010 at 1:02 pm

    hey, janjune….

    I get letting info perculate, and we’re all kind of on info overload. What did you think about my observations?

    Anyway, personally, I LIKE duality, I like compare/contrast (best example I know of this is Abraham Hicks, for later if you like.) It helps me define myself and what I stand for. I feel like all you have in life is your word, so that’s what I look for -what is most authentically me? What am I willing to fight for, and live and die for – for example, your right to express yourself, it makes me feel passionate in a way that if it required action, I would take that action.

    And it makes me a bit of a rabble rouser, everywhere. smile….

    So, on koans they are a tool for cleaning out your mind, to me and becomming the “observer,” which you’ll come across – it’s you observing your mind thinking….some part of you (all of us) is always there just observing and not taking sides and not having an opinion. Very similar to being a “witness” to another – you are just there as someone to validate another with no feeback – like listening at level 2, perhaps.

    It’s different than holding the space, it’s a way of feeling like you and your life matter and sharing that precious feeling with another. And it’s very zen…

    Please keep letting me know when you want to hear from me, and enjoy the unanswerable questions!


  38.  #38Mercedes on August 23, 2010 at 1:41 pm

    This is how the man who knows me intimately treats me:

    “I, with a deeper instinct, choose a man who compels my strength, who makes enormous demands on me, who does not doubt my courage or my toughness, who does not believe me naive or innocent, who has the courage to treat me like a woman.” ~ Anais Nin

    Is that for everyone? Certainly not. But for me, it is the greatest gift. The man who knows all of that about me and loves me, not in spite of it, but because of it and who helps nourish it and who challenges it and pushes it to the limits….and then makes love to me…that man…is the man who has created such a strong intimate relationship outside of the bedroom that the one inside of the bedroom is more passionate, fulfilling, tender, loving, wild, sexy and sensual than anything I ever dreamed possible. But that intimacy inside the bedroom didn’t come close until we bonded…fully clothed…holding each other and dreaming about life.

    Much Love,

  39.  #39tinque on August 23, 2010 at 2:01 pm

    This is beautiful Miss M…
    “The man who knows all of that about me and loves me, not in spite of it, but because of it and who helps nourish it and who challenges it and pushes it to the limits….and then makes love to me”

    This…I have no words…

  40.  #40Mercedes on August 23, 2010 at 2:11 pm

    Thank you tinque…he is the right man for me…absolutely the right man.

    Much Love,

  41.  #41Lucy on August 23, 2010 at 3:44 pm

    Mercedes… “he is the right man for me…absolutely the right man.”


  42.  #42Jacqueline on August 23, 2010 at 8:38 pm

    Two people who require a certain amount of emotional distance from each other in order to feel safe from all the inner feelings they wish to not experience will do nearly anything to maintain that distance.

    When one opens up, the other closes down.

    Rori…that is so wise!!! and totally my experience. And also, I feel comfortable with that distance – like I can be close when/if I want to be, but I don’t have to be as long as that distance factor is there. Now with Mr. X… was a dance of push/pull. With Mr. Now, it is a distance that he seems okay with, and sometimes it’s there and sometimes it’s just not.

    So, is it always good to work on no distance at all, or if you’re clear your not into avoiding your inner feelings stuff, two people need some distance to co-habitate? What distance is still allowable to intimacy?? How do you know when you’ve moved too far from intimacy? I mean other than dish throwing..ya know!

    I feel curious and like this is something that could really impact me…so….

    Sirens, et. al., what do you think?


  43.  #43Lucy on August 23, 2010 at 11:07 pm

    Jacqueline, I think emotional distance is completely different from physical distance. You can both need a lot of “alone time” — physical distance — but the emotional connection is still there if you have genuine intimacy. My two cents. 🙂

  44.  #44Mercedes on August 24, 2010 at 6:06 am

    Lucy: Thanks for the smile. Here’s one back for you… 🙂

    Much Love,

  45.  #45Tmizz on August 24, 2010 at 6:23 pm

    “A man who cannot do intimacy – when we pick this up subconsciously (if we are sufficiently afraid of intimacy and of being who we are and loving all the dark parts of ourselves along with the light parts) – we feel safe.

    We feel safe from scary intimacy.”

    Ug. That’s me – to a T! 😉

    And this…

    “Two people who require a certain amount of emotional distance from each other in order to feel safe from all the inner feelings they wish to not experience will do nearly anything to maintain that distance.”

    …reminds me of my ex (and me, I guess. I was part of it). It was soooo frustrating. I remember observing and thinking (even now sometimes) that he wanted to *want* to see me even more than he actually wanted to see me. That is to say, he was perfectly happy to have some excuse as to why he couldn’t see me on a particular date, but after a while, I realized – and I told him – I’m going to need someone who is actually physically there once in a while.

    But I still feel proud of myself for using the relationship to PRACTICE opening up. To practice letting myself BE in the situation and to express myself fully in ways I hadn’t tried before. I sort of wish that I had had more opportunities to practice, because I think it only would have improved, but…there will be others!

    For example, a man saw me swimming at the beach yesterday and walked up and gave me a flower. I said “thank you” and went on my way. It wasn’t someone I wanted to go on a date with, but I enjoyed it.

    Letting the love come to me! 🙂

  46.  #46Brenda on August 25, 2010 at 9:41 am

    A slight inclination of the cranium is equivalent to an eclipse of the optic to an equine quadruped devoid of visionary capacity.

  47.  #47Anna Carruthers on December 20, 2010 at 6:39 pm

    I agree with what you said about how women can feel unsafe despite feeling secure in a strong, kind, masculine, loyal, etc man’s presence…because she does not feel safe with herself. I felt the same way with my man- he was just so good and so experienced in bed (he’s 12 years older than me) that it was hard to believe him when he said nice things to me. I felt self-conscious about everything I did. Eventually, I just created a motivation out of these insecurities- I started working out, doing Kegel exercises, reading up on books about sex..I even bought my own LELO pleasure object to play with and experiment on. Negative things can turn into positive things after all.

  48.  #48Tasha on August 8, 2012 at 2:25 pm

    I don’t understand the “distance”feeling safe. What does distance mean?

  49.  #49Amy on January 7, 2013 at 1:09 pm

    I really have no idea !!! Married 45 years and he doesn’t do anything for me. He hates everything a marriage stands for. Weve only been intimate once in our marriage and that was our wedding night. From then till today he has live our entire marriage in his basement apartment. I have the up stairs. We have no relationship at all. We never talk! Hes never home at night cause he works the midnight shift. I work part time during the day. He built his own garage so he didn’t have to park next to mine.

  50.  #50Dominique on January 7, 2013 at 2:30 pm

    Amy – Why are you still there? This isn’t a marriage.


  51.  #51Radlove on January 9, 2013 at 11:33 am


    49 – I feel sad reading that. I totally agree with Dominique. I welcome you to hang out with us on the blog, so you can nurture yourself with the strength you need to honor YOU as a woman. Most of us write on the newest blog article, found here:

    Love yourself — get out!!!!