Sex And Obsession – Bethany Session 4

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Sex is a delicate negotiation – even when you’re long married.

How to get it started, how to make sure it’s good, how to end it and move on to the next moment of being in a relationship.

Bethany is working her way through all that – getting to orgasm in an organic, easy, fulfilling and self-responsible way – even though she feels tense and anxious and worried about nearly every aspect of her life, her relationship, and any kind of sexual or sensual experience with her man:

“Dear Rori, I had a few moments of letting go yesterday–in the car as we were driving out of town, I felt myself slow down and drift outside the car for a bit, then he reached for my hand out of nowhere!

Sex–didn’t do it, but he was touching me down there and I felt like I was about to come, then I said just that because it just came out of my mouth, then he stopped because he thought I said it in distress like I didn’t want to…?

I felt disappointed…then he asked me how I was feeling, and I said “I feel disappointed.” Then he tried to fix it by touching me again, but I wasn’t feeling responsive then.   I did say “it’s okay, it doesn’t have to be tonight.”

And later, she wrote me this:

“Rori, I think all my wanting and needing him is about want and need to control where this is going…that’s the hardest part! I can’t get there until I get through the present and build good moments with him, so my biggest challenge is going to be getting a handle on my obsessive thoughts.”

My answer was simple, and I want you to see, too, how well Bethany is doing, and how some magical things – small, but still magical – are happening –

I said – Bethany, some really wonderful moments here. Can you see the link between your turning your focus away from him and onto other things – and then he shows up? That’s the way it works.

Notice – all Bethany did was turn her attention away from her man for just one second, and he picked up on it and reached over.  What we’re working on now is what happens next – when he shows up, when he touches her or is sweet and affectionate and attentive – how warm and open and receptive and RECEIVING can she be – whether it’s about sex or just sharing a meal.

Let me know your thoughts, Love, Rori

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  1.  #1alias girl on November 7, 2008 at 6:05 pm

    not eaxctly topic related but i feel obssessed often about many different things. i feel rushed. i feel impotent to live the life of my dreams. i feel OBSESSED with Finding happiness as opposed to Being happiness. being is the only way but my mind says no to my present life. my mind says happiness is over the fence somewhere or in some man’s arms or in more money or longer hair or better clothes or a better job. i feel hatred towards everyone right now in this very second. not true. not hatred. disappointment. i feel disappointed. this isn’t what i want. i feel i have been so deprived of attention and people listening to me that i can’t stand listening too thers often. sometimes when i feel whole. it feels ok then. but often no. i feel like i just pretend to be a good person when all i really want is to be my inner three year old and have that be ok with the world. i had one of my guys in my faux rotation (or i should say phone rotation since that is the only level i am at with most of these men.) but he droned on for forty minutes about something i could care less about. i feel like his mommy. i want to pull him out of my roation but i don’t want an empty rotation or a sparse one. there are many men interested in me but i have lost interest in other people. too much backed up need of not ever being listened to and me doing most of the listening. soooooo many years of this. i feel broken and narcissistic now. which isn’t true bc i have compassion and my actions are generous but inside i feel deprived and filled up with other people’s blather. i have no real friends. i feel disappointed. i can’t do relationships the way i have been. i’d rather be alone than fake listen. i can’t do it anymore. i don’t know how to come back into balance. maybe i should start a blog. then whoever wants to listen to me blather can come listen.. i actually feel really good about that idea. it is important for me to get my needs met in a healthy way. i feel tired of drawing self centered people towards me. but that’s what i am now. so i guess it only makes sense. all i keep hearing is my THEME i deduced from doing the self esteem series from this blog. my theme that i am selfish and don’t deserve happiness. i don’t deserve to have people truly be interested in me and not just fake liste ning like i do to them. i am not being fair to myself. i am a really good person who is generous with my time and my ear. it is my parents voice telling me i am selfish. i am not. i am not a selfish person. i am not mother theresa but then again i have no desire to annihilate my self like she did. i just want balance and healthiness anf fun.i feel rageful. it feels like the most powerful feeling in the world.right here in the center of my body. i feel like a clear calm lake. i feel justified in my rage. i feel very protective of myself. that’s what the rage is. my rage is my mama bear. looking out for me. good to know. fun little discovery there. now i don’t have to try and stuff my rage. it’s jt mymama be doing instiwhat is in my bests. we humansigned. i fee:)

  2.  #2alias girl on November 7, 2008 at 6:07 pm

    the rest of my post disappeared. ah what a shame. it was a really good one. ah well what can you do. such is technology.

  3.  #3alias girl on November 8, 2008 at 11:47 pm

    i had followed my feelingsof rage and had come to the very satisfying conclusion that my rage is like a very protective mama bear. mama bears pop up to fight very instinctually to protect their cubs. i used to think my rage was something to be ashamed of. its not. its a very strong instinctual feeling that something needs immediate paying attention to. the things that trigger my rage are usually things that are theatening my dignity or my safety. i am very grateful for my rage/mama bear. i am also very grateful i do not act out on my rage and am able to just feel it in my body until it dissolves or transmutes. my rage/ mama bear makes me feel powerful now instead of defective. i no longer feel i have to stuff it down or pretend it’s not there. i can just be with it. i am not scared of it. i am grateful for it. it’s like a street sign.

  4.  #4Rori Raye on November 11, 2008 at 1:19 pm

    Yes to the Mama Bear! I LOVE this image, thank you Alias Girl…Love, Rori

  5.  #5alias girl on November 11, 2008 at 7:32 pm

    yes. thanks rori!! 🙂 it was a fun discovery. seemingly small but in actuality pretty huge for me bc it has been difficult in the past to accept my rage. now I can love it like a cub loves it’s protective mama. and it actually feels good to have such an intense protective mama since my real mother was Checked Out and a bit useless. so now i have one who has been with me all along. only now i really really appreciate her. and man, phew, is she tough. lucky me. i feel loved.

  6.  #6sagi on January 23, 2010 at 5:42 pm

    please STOP it … rori ..

    you are spoon feeding this girl and totally OVER-TAKING her own decisive power, the poor thing is asking you even before and after she sneeze.

    you are not a HELP here, you are Crippling her.

    I have read a lot of your posts and admired a lot of clear sightedness, but this as CaSE- Study has gone too far,

    uff, this is not even toxi abusive relationship where one is paralyzed and needs a lot of push and cajoling.. its EVERY day interactions, and you are totally making this girl stopping to think for herself.

    Sagittarius Gal

  7.  #7Rori Raye on January 24, 2010 at 8:04 pm

    Sagi, Welcome, and thank you for your take on the emails between Bethany and me…and I hear you, and I know that when I write, it has to be super informative and helpful and real guidance, and when I coach, it has to be more collaborative…and that the emails between me and clients sometimes get a bit of both. Would you be willing to do an experiment, and turn your opinions (without watering them down) into Feeling Messages – in other words, how it makes you feel to read something where someone is been “spoon fed” by me? Regardless of what you think about my work here (and I’m totally open to hearing all you have to say and learning from your insights) – what we’re working on here is to practice the feminine aspect of ourselves – the Feeling aspect – and using this forum to practice expressing ourselves in that way. I hear that this impacted you a lot – perhaps getting too much information or guidance feels terrible to you? Love, Rori

  8.  #8sagi on January 25, 2010 at 7:12 am

    yes dear rori,
    of course I understand that to generate a spark-reaction out of me, it must have touched a naked wire somewhere inside me. otherwise i would not bother.. 🙂

    and yes, I can identify with this girl, not to the extent but I feel what she is(was) going through.. counter-checking, every move made, is a very *stressful* way to live.

    I was referred to your blog, when I said something to a friend and she said **oh so you have been following Rori Raye** .. 🙂 .. actually I have not been, but I have done all the steps that you couch here, by Hit and Error method, self-taught.. yes, it took Longer that way, but it came from within and it is here to stay with me.

    I am what you can say a *bright* spark of light.. positive, energetic, rebelious, headstrong.. and then everyone in my life tried to just stomp that light out. jealousy, ego, what .. I dont know. starting 2008, it totally spirraled down. lost my job, my mother disowned me, my husband of 11 yrs and my best friend of 18 yrs of friendship started an affair and took away my money and house, even my kids.. my doc declared me *clinically depressed.. high alert* case.

    for almost 1.5 yr I saw it with disbelief, doing nothing, the thought of *why.. how can they..* swarmed my mind, I became more and more complying and it resulted in more and more apathy and abuse, even strangers started doing that.
    the last straw was when my own kids refused to meet me, saying oh you are a whore (speaking what my bestfriend and my ex has been feeding them).
    living all alone, outcasted, penniless and everyone thought it is my mistake for I needed to be cut down to size, I was *too happy* earlier, too bright.. lol
    one thing I did not do, I did not take a single anti-depressant pill what my doc advised, just flushed them down the toilet; for I did not want anything to haze my mind and heart. went through all of it, as deep as it took me.. lived it all to the very core; pain, betrayal, abuse, humiliation

    then came an adrenaline rush, I felt I have what people die to have.. a RE-BOOT time, a clean slate, I have no obligation, no ties, nothing left.. i am born anew.. all the toxic element in my life is leaving on its own, it is a Yahoo moment, not a eww one. I can be all I am, wihout complying to any norm, can have my own *set of ethics* for people are already certain I have none.. giggle

    I loved going inside me and finding *who am I*, how much of me is me and how much was mirror or reflection. I fell in love with this lovely beautiful courageous girl that I found in me. why should I kill her for others want it. I vowed to Nurture her, Protect her all on my own (thats what you call *calling the masculine energy*) 🙂

    I started speaking out .. letting my emotions out. stopped people when they tried to tell me *what I have done wrong and how to correct it* ,.. NO BULLSHIT .. period. instead of making them go away, to my surprise my anger and my outbursts gained me *respect* .. wow!! .. (thats probably what you call *letting your dramaqueen out) 🙂

    I am attractive woman, but now I stopped men when they tried to spin *love*.. saying and meaning it too **i am not ready* .. i thought they will leave me, but no, surprise, they stayed for more. These men (all 3) stayed with me most of badtime almost, and they still loved me genuinely, they met me at my worst, and my worst was good-enough for them, because I am Genuine (their words).

    its a long road and I am enjoying it more than anything, feeling more alive than ever.

    well the update is, my mother came back to me after 6 months of estrangement, and we cleared misunderstanding, she died in a car crash (2 weeks after we cleared the air) I thank my stars for having the chance to hug and tell her that I Love her, I inherited her house, cars and everything, suddenly I am back with resources when I had myself buckled up and totally focused on myself.

    My kids stayed with my ex and my bestfriend and saw for themselves *Who* has been playing with *whom*. They are young for this kind of learning, but it has helped me see the right perspective. Dis-illusiionement hit them hard, but it is good for them. We meet them and they know now whatit means to have a *mother*.

    my ex is now driving my bestfriend insane.. she tried to contact me, both did. I do talk to ex to keep civil relations for the sake of kids, but i have not a single minute for my backstabbing friend.

    I guess I am getting emotionally involved with one of the guys, I really like him and he does too. at the moment, there is no rush.

    NOW .. this brings us to start of conversation ,, sorry for it is too long.. the backdrop. I really think and feel that spoon-feeding is not good. Anyone who contacts you, is already aware and is acknowledging *the problem*, that is half work done already.

    when a child starts to speak, we are not concerned with grammatical errors. Making mistakes is FINE, I like that you give them the space to emotionally reply as honestly as possible. But I think anyone who asks you for every minute detail, you should be more careful, and let them come up with their solution. If they follow you and god forbid you die, then what?

    I am trying to do the same for my kids, they should know that life is hard but they have all the requisites to live it and life is most precious in anyform. deal with it, your way.. works, think why.. does not, think why .. with a basic set of few rules and they should make it *themselves*. thats the only way they will stick to it.

    lots of love,
    its no critique, just a pov.

    Sagittarius Gal