Sex Can Be An Amazing Tool To Learn To Be More Yourself And RECEIVE Love

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Here’s a letter from Beth with my answer – and it’s all around sex and how sex works in our brains, our hearts – and how it can illuminate our lives or shut us down…

Hi Rori,

A couple of things you have sent in the past couple of days have been exactly what I was used to doing with my first husband. One is what you describe in this email. It’s like you are looking into my past. The other was the one about trying to fill the quiet. I had extreme anxiety over the quiet and always tried to find something to say to fill it.

Needless to say, it was a strained and unhappy marriage that I stayed in miserably for 13 years before I moved out. I think that relationship was so toxic and so damaging to my self-esteem that it set the stage for the years to come. I left him in 1987 and have never had a successful relationship since, although I did get married two more times since then. To build up my self esteem I got into the habit of jumping in bed with every man that looked at me twice.

I shudder to think of my past and the habits I fell into. I was a virgin when I got married at 18 and was raised to protect my virtue, so the fact that I have slept with many men (I lost count but pretty sure it is over 50) is pretty horrific to me, and I still don’t trust myself. ( I also know I am very, very lucky not to have contracted an STD from any of these men because I also didn’t not practice safe sex. I know better but didn’t want to do anything to “ruin” what I hoped for every time I slept with someone) I just got out of a 6 month friends with benefits “relationship” that ended up breaking my heart once again.

I’d like to think if I had been educated in the way to communicate with a man that I wouldn’t have suffered so much all these years. I’m 56 now and still afraid I’ll never have a man that will love me the way I want to be loved. I have your “How to have the relationship…” book. I copied it off the internet after purchasing it last year and started to get into it and then once again got into a series of one nighters and a couple of heartbreaks while the book set in my bag untouched.

I am hoping this is the beginning of the end of my disastrous love life. There is a man that I have seen on the average of about once a month since meeting him in January. He calls every week to two weeks, sends the very occasional text message and when we are together treats me like a queen. I enjoy him very much and I COULD fall in love with him if the circumstances lend themselves to it. I am going to assume, being the expert that you are, that you are aware of the chemical changes in the body associated with sex and why that causes us women to fall into toxic relationships with men that don’t love us.

I have recently learned this for myself and decided that if I were to protect my heart and play my cards right, so to speak, that I needed to not fall into that trap again with this man. I know from my history that if I have sex with him that the dopamine and pitocin is going to take over and I will fall in love with him which could lead to another broken heart. I just don’t want to go there again. He is the nicest man I have ever met in my life. I could give you a couple of dozen examples of that but suffice it to say, I really have never known anyone like him, which I think is one of several reasons I have been able to say no to him. He seems to really like me, and he did try to sleep with me and I was very proud of myself to refuse. I told him point blank, “If you don’t want me to fall in love with you, then don’t have sex with me.”

I wouldn’t have said that to just any man. This one is really special. I’m in “like” with him at this point. If I never saw him again, I’d be a little sad but not devastated. Anyway, when I said that to him, he said, “It’s not that, we just need more time.” He has agreed with my no sex rule for now although he is clearly still wanting to and finds me very desirable. He is a very practical man and apparently has more self control than most men.

The big obstacle to overcome if anything ever comes of this is, he is 60 years old (a very young 60), never been married, never had children, I think has had little experience with women, just from the awkward way in which he talked to me in the beginning when he was still uncomfortable with me and from the obvious lack of experience in even the simplest of intimacy like kissing. That actually makes it easier to not sleep with him because I think if that ever happens, he will require a great deal of “teaching,” and I think he would be willing to learn but I am not going there until there is more promise of something to come. He is very happy and comfortable in his own skin and in the life he has carved out for himself.

He told me once, “if I ever complain about anything, kick me in the butt because I have nothing to complain about.” So for our friendship to progress to anything more, there is going to have to be something about me that he finds he can’t live without. I’d like to think maybe I’m the woman he’s waited for all of his life and that he’s just never known anyone he was that interested in since he was in his 20’s and had his heart broken by the woman he was supposed to marry that ditched him. I think it set him up to be a bachelor for all these many years.

I’m hoping that I’m going to learn to be the kind of woman that a man this nice would want to spend the rest of his life with because I really don’t want to die without having experienced true and satisfying love. I’m not sure how I first found you but I keep all of your emails. I just need to buckle down and study the tools you have given me.

In the meantime, I am still fighting the old me that would hop back in bed with my recent toxic relationship if he gave me any indication that he wanted me other than for sex. Even that is hard. I know he would sleep with me again. That is clear. The sex was great, at least for him, and he said I was “a lot of fun in bed.” (I’ve made having sex an artform which drives men crazy, but I rarely ever get comfortable enough to get much more out of it than just the momentary enjoyment of having someone hold me and touch me and want me.)

I have an open invitation to sleep at his house, with no pressure but I put the pressure on myself. I know him well enough to know that if I didn’t initiate it, it wouldn’t happen. He has always left it up to me. I realize now that the sex was a means to and end, with the end being, I got the snuggling and comfort of feeling cared about afterwards. At least he wasn’t the type that rolled over and turned his back on me, but he clearly doesn’t love me, at least not romantic love.

He cares about me as a friend. I had a verbal argument with myself tonight because I’m still tempted to go back. I could easily have gone there tonight and he would have welcomed me and shown me a lot of affection, but, with the understanding he still doesn’t want to be in love with me and never will.

So you can see, I am in a daily struggle with myself over what I could easily have that would end up going nowhere, and what MIGHT turn into the love that I have always hoped for. What makes it doubly hard is that I live a very difficult life with a seriously ill adult daughter, and poverty level income. Every day of my life is an emotional and financial struggle. That only makes me want to seek that momentary comfort of my friend even though I know it’s not what I really want or need.

Another very attractive part of this man who is my friend and might end up being my lover is that he is also financially secure, as well as the nicest man on the planet. I have never had a relationship with a man that was financially secure. I have ended up being the one doling out the money in most of these instances. This man wouldn’t dream of allowing me to take a dollar out of my pocket for anything. That has never happened to me.

So you see Rori, I am probably pretty typical specimen of how to do it all the wrong way, although with my sexual history I probably am on the extreme end of the spectrum. I truly want this downward spiral to end. I am hoping, with your help, and God’s, that I can turn my life around, stay out of the wrong bed, (my friend) and hopefully end up in the right one, whether that is this very nice man or not.

Oh yes, I’m not out looking anymore, just as you taught me not to do and so far have been able to not chase after this man but let him come to me when he is ready. I never call him and rarely text him, unless it’s in answer to something he texted and asked me about. So I’m already ahead of my old game. I know patience is a virtue and it will take a lot of that as well as a lot of self control to stay out of my old habits and form new ones.

I know this was long, but I wanted to tell you the beginning of my story. Hopefully one day I will be able to write you with the “end” of my story, being one of the princess who lived happily ever after. I just glad that I actually take the time to read your emails and keep them. I just have to buckle down and study so I can continue to change my ways.

Thanks for what I’ve learned from you so far!!

Here was my answer:

Beth – here’s the key for you in what you wrote:

I’ve made having sex an art form which drives men crazy, but I rarely ever get comfortable enough to get much more out of it than just the momentary enjoyment of having someone hold me and touch me and want me.

Men only care about how they’re affecting YOU – in other words, if you could work on your art form in a way that involves YOU relaxing into and experiencing pleasure, pleasuring yourself, using him and his body to get pleasure – this would all turn around.

I used sex much the same way as you for most of my life – and it wasn’t until I practiced doing NOTHING but breathing and experiencing orgasms and letting myself receive that I was able to transfer that feeling into everyday life.

Just practicing alone is terrifically helpful – and if you can handle practicing with a man (or woman) that would be even MORE helpful! Just look at it like that, and not as a WAY to get to anything.

Sex is a Tool, too – see the Sensual Meditation in my ebookโ€ฆ.

Beth – can I post your letter and my answer on my blog (anonymously of course – give me a name if you like so you’ll recognize the post when it shows upโ€ฆ)

Love, Rori


Hi Rori,
I think it’s so great that you actually take the time to answer me. It just wraps up the whole package very nicely.

I would be happy for you to share my letter. If anyone can learn from me and avoid some of the terrible mistakes I’ve made or even just recognize they are making them, by reading about what I’ve done, then it’s worth having made the mistakes if it helps even one other person.

I don’t care if you use the name Beth. It’s pretty generic and could be anyone anywhere. So I’m not worried about it.

The one time I had a really great sex life with someone, I was completely uninhibited with him and of course, he turned me on like no other ever had. I don’t think I ever failed to orgasm with him. My problem has been, with most men I never really got close enough to someone emotionally to tell him what I want or need.

Always afraid if I was selfish I would turn him off. Afraid if I was that open that I would embarrass myself. I actually have some new insight into that thinking. My “friend” I just cut it off with, told me to play with myself explaining that the more I enjoyed myself the more he enjoyed me. Still I was afraid to tell him what he needed to do to make me orgasm because he, like most men I’ve been with, think they know what to do.

Us women are different and we don’t all react to the same things but I guess I was afraid to bruise his ego by telling him I wanted him to do something different. Also, I had a very hard time relaxing enough to do things that embarrassed me, which strangely enough only had to do with MY pleasure.

I did most anything for him, as I did will all the men I slept with. The last 2 or 3 times I slept with him, I started to guide him. The last time we had sex, he gave me the best orgasm of my life by doing what I’ve begged men to do to me in the past.

He finally listened. What I had always said was I wanted a man to make me beg, but I’ve never had a man that really wrapped his head around that and I never really pushed it or explained in detail what I wanted. My friend finally got it and drove me to a place I have never been before.

When it was over, I sobbed like a baby, partly because it was such an intense orgasm, the thing I had begged for and because, I knew it was the last time I would sleep with him, because he didn’t love me and I loved him.

So I learned more from this “relationship” as it was, about what to do in bed. He actually taught me things about myself I didn’t know and I learned to ask for what I wanted. Now I have to learn to translate that to a real relationship with someone I really love and trust. I don’t have someone like that YET but the man who I have been dating casually could end up to be the one. Whatever happens.

I know that to get what I want I have to do things differently. You are helping me learn to do that. I just heard the quote this morning,

“If you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you always got, and you’ll always feel what you always felt”

Well, I intend to change what I’ve always done because I want something different than I always have had and I want to feel differently than I have always felt! It’s time for a new me.

As for practicing, I do practice by myself some. I don’t think I can handle practicing with someone else unless it’s someone I want to give my heart to. I get attached when the hormones kick in and I don’t need another heart break. I know myself well enough to know that is what would happen.

Feel free to use me as an example.

I thank you for your guidance.

Posted in


  1.  #1Calypso on December 17, 2012 at 10:24 am


  2.  #2Femininewoman on December 17, 2012 at 10:25 am

    Don’t know that I would want to use it as a tool

  3.  #3ruth on December 17, 2012 at 10:37 am

    I feel squirmy reading this
    Too close for comfort

  4.  #4Miss Bells on December 17, 2012 at 10:37 am

    I only enjoy sex when I’m in love with the man.
    This I know from 42 years of being sexually active. I have been in every configuration possible. I don’t need more research….

  5.  #5Calypso on December 17, 2012 at 10:58 am

    I have learned a lot about my body and what it is capable of since my divorce. I never fully relaxed during sex before, not the way i do now. I trust myself more now and allow the sensations to consume me. I like the way it feels to really let go.

    BTW – I did get to meet the Drill Instructor – what a stud he was – lol Whew! We did not have any time alone – although he did invite me to come back onto base my myself one night, I did not take him up on it, but boy can a girl use that as a fantasy!!! hot, hot hot . . .

  6.  #6GlowStix on December 17, 2012 at 11:01 am

    I use sex as a tool for my own expansion on a daily basis. I was not comfortable to do this until being with a man I fully trust.

  7.  #7Mercedes on December 17, 2012 at 11:03 am

    I don’t like the sex as a tool and using him and his body to get pleasure. There’s so much more to it than that for me. ๐Ÿ™ This is a very sad answer from Rori (for me). What about HIM? Using his body? ๐Ÿ™ Men have feelings too and don’t like to be used anymore than we do. Use him for his money (he treats on dates), use him for his ability to please us sexually, use him for practice, use him…

    and per the last article, you don’t even have to be attracted to him. I struggled with that one but understood in some circumstances how what we’re attracted to can be harmful but…this is just like adding another layer to everything that made me uncomfortable about continuing to date a man that we’re not attracted to so we can practice.

    I don’t know, this is hitting the wrong nerve today. I think we have a much better chance of manifesting the relationship we want and deserve if we treat ourselves and the men in our lives as loving, beautiful human beings. We can’t, I don’t believe, find a connection by using men for anything. I really believe we have to feel our feelings, learn to trust those feelings, learn to act based on those feelings and allow a man to experience our feelings with us to form a deeper connection with him.

    I don’t believe we should be having sex because it is a tool to use when practicing with men. I think that’s setting women out to really hurt men (not to mention hurt themselves). If those men were just using our bodies for pleasure and practicing with us, we’d be so hurt and angry. I’m sure they feel the same way.

    I just don’t agree with giving advice to a woman who has struggled with sex as a way of finding love, to use sex as a tool…

    I don’t agree with it and don’t like it…at all. ๐Ÿ™

    And I’m going to have to stop writing about it before I say something I shouldn’t say here.

    This one does not sit well with me…it reminds me too much of the PUA work I’ve read.

    Much Love,

  8.  #8Daria on December 17, 2012 at 11:05 am

    Wow interesting to see shut downs

  9.  #9Daria on December 17, 2012 at 11:06 am

    When I see that I feel leg tightening and queasiness

  10.  #10Daria on December 17, 2012 at 11:07 am

    Lol omg !

  11.  #11Goddess Lily on December 17, 2012 at 11:09 am


  12.  #12Daria on December 17, 2012 at 11:11 am

    Well I Love the words there ‘Using him and his body to get pleasure’

    It finally CLICKED for me and made it okay to start going for what I want w sex. Ive felt stuck for soooo long. What a relief.

    This helped it helped it really helped. I finally get it so shd Does mean that so it IS ok to do that, to Ask for that focus on that, maybe even give some directions on that… Ahhh yes I can so do that ohhhh

    Heaven is coming to men , literally

    Sooo excited this opened me up more there. Validated me and gave me confidence….

    Thank you Rori you rock

  13.  #13Daria on December 17, 2012 at 11:13 am

    I feel gleeful ๐Ÿ™‚

  14.  #14Daria on December 17, 2012 at 11:14 am

    I feel scared too to be one that ‘gets’ it in a crowd of triggered ladies who don’t get it and are truggered

    I feel scared of being attacked

    I have an urge to yell at everyone so that they will be intimidated and refrain from attacking me

    Shackles up !

    So interesting !

  15.  #15Mercedes on December 17, 2012 at 11:17 am

    Wow!! Really????

    “I feel scared too to be one that โ€˜getsโ€™ it in a crowd of triggered ladies who donโ€™t get it”

  16.  #16Starla on December 17, 2012 at 11:23 am

    my assistant, who has been very supportive of me while i got over QZ, really really doesn’t like that i’m going to see him on Friday. She wants him to apologize on his knees, etc.

  17.  #17Daria on December 17, 2012 at 11:23 am

    Yes Mercedes really . Lay off.

  18.  #18Tam on December 17, 2012 at 11:25 am

    I don’t see that as ‘using a man’. A good man is so happy to give, in a lot of ways, that only seeing a woman happy is actually a reward for him.
    The best men I have dated/went out with and was physical with, made it all about me and they were only happy if they could please me.
    I am not selfish but the rest of it was just a bonus for them, at least that’s how it seemed.
    So, no, I don’t get triggered by that post at all.
    I would feel pretty peeved if I gave my body to a man and he would ‘feel used’. Why on earth would he?

  19.  #19Starla on December 17, 2012 at 11:25 am

    i don’t really want to be assumed or judged as triggered or not getting something just cuz i don’t have the same world view as someone else

    it must suck to need everything just-so according to what you see as right

    although, that’s me judging and making assumptions

    oooooooh what a trap.

    i think it would feel better to just shrug and take a nice deep breath instead.

  20.  #20Calypso on December 17, 2012 at 11:28 am

    Most of the men I have been with hold back and try not to climax until they are certain that I have first – I’ve been told, and I believed them, that it was the best part for them – seeing me and feeling me and hearing me take my pleasure from them.

  21.  #21Radiant Rising on December 17, 2012 at 11:28 am

    Popped in again, Mercedes thank you for articulating that. My sentiments exactly. I don’t think not feel popping in on the blog is good for me anymore. The advice and reactions to it just get hurled on me. It is *my* fault for *thinking* in such a way. What a load of hooey. Seems like all coaches do that. Including the Reiki teacher who crossed his boundaries with me and the teachers who tried to groom me for sex work. It is *my* opinions or *thoughts* bringing this on. Don’t ever question. Always second guess *yourself* but never the teachings because it is just coming from you anyways. Well I am through with questioning and second guessing *myself*.

    I am doing just fine in my love and dating life, thank you. I am new to the dating scene, because I did not want arranged marriage and wanted to experience falling in love and having the biggest say in who I spend my life with. I fought it all throughout my young adult life and am just now playing in the dating scene. I don’t have “the love that I want” not because of the *opinions* I hold on attraction and chemistry but because of what I just said above. I feel disappointed in Rori for questioning me like that, as all typical coaches seem to do, by making assumptions based on certain “patterns” rather than taking the time to verify the truth of the individual. Disagreeing with a teaching has nothing to do with “results”. This coaching is…just not for me. Yes I am “explaining” and that feels good. No more blog, and this spouting you can take to the sky as I am so done and do not care if this offends anyone. These teachings really sticks in my craw and I will post it. Ban me, put me in moderation, call me names or say that I am unfeminine who will never “get the love I want” I do not care. I feel this way of thinking and teaching (not addressing questions and just undermining the validity of those who ask) is harmful with a Capitol H. Good day.

  22.  #22Tam on December 17, 2012 at 11:29 am

    I actually had a joke going with my first boyfriend…he would always say: ‘please use me and abuse me’…jokingly of course. They love it, really.
    I can only see the unhealthy selfish ones being different..never had that experience.
    I once had a little affair with one of the hottest (and wealthiest) guys here (in fact, I just saw him again this weekend with a Model woman). I didn’t expect this but even he (who is used to getting a lot of female attention) was all about me. It was totally amazing…I felt guilty at the time. And now I would just smile and say ‘happy, thank you, more please’. Ha!!

  23.  #23Daria on December 17, 2012 at 11:31 am

    And on top of that I’m triggered by something else you posted in the last thread, and I’m gona copy and process that here. This is not about you , or a fight. I want to use my personal space here to process MY patterns from my real life that get reflected in how I perceive the blog.

    Ps sorry this was just an experiment too to notice my ‘automatic’ communication, before I stop and choose my words.

    I intend tosh oft this communication, just noticing it now along with the tones of voices. ‘lay off’ sounded low like a movie character.. Wondering where I got it from ?

    There was also a pleasure in performing this way. My eyes feel slightly teary. There was a pleasure in running this script… Sooo interesting. Pffffu

    I may have seen someone do this and then there is pleasure when I do it since I’ve ‘gotten it’ now and get to experience ‘being them’ which wd be considered better than me for some reason.

    Perhaps I felt bad seeing the script run and putting myself in the ‘dominant’ position in the script feels pleasurable like yes I’m winning now… Hmmmm

    I feel guilty ! I feel excited . I feel worried…

    Worried I’ll ‘lose something’s by stopping these scripts that give me pleasure… The I got it… Maybe 8im American ? Pleasure


    Feeling through this

  24.  #24Starla on December 17, 2012 at 11:31 am

    I’ve slept with 4 men, and only MyGuy was a selfish lover.

    I’ve concluded most men want you to get off. And more than 1x, if possible:)

    i get more triggered when they’ve been really workin hard and as a result have a hard time enjoying and reaching their own climaxes.

  25.  #25Daria on December 17, 2012 at 11:46 am

    My triggers are repeated patterns for me that come off in my life. This situation sparked off one of those patterns for me.

    Its one of My Patterns, it has no reflection on the real life Mercedes Starla or anyone else. I don’t want to trigger anyone with this and was not planning on talking about it with anyone.

    It’s something that happens to me – getting triggered into this pattern – with regularity… And voila, it happened to me again here on blog .

    Hmmm I’m explaining this doesn’t feel quite good.

    I feel pretty seized up and terrified …

    How interesting

    Feeling through it

  26.  #26GlowStix on December 17, 2012 at 11:46 am

    I dunno…I get a strong sense that sex is more pleasurable for BOTH of us when i’m using it as a tool to expand my emotional and physical self. I’m so in deep and juicy and it feels like his body is a tool of pleasure and I get so down into my primal body urges and physical sensations and I listen to what my nani is saying to me like “oh it feels best to move this way now” and the moans feel more real. And even now I am using it to expand my ability to feel emotion and sensation simultaneously and FEEL overwhelmed yet not GET overwhelmed and shut down. I am loving my overwhelmed feeling. This starts like little cherry bombs going off in my pelvis and grows and expands until it is fully putting off sparks right through my physical boundary.

    Now just imagine how this sex must feel for him. I don’t believe anyone can tell me his humanity is compromised in any way…

  27.  #27ruth on December 17, 2012 at 11:48 am

    I agree that most men will be very turned on by a woman having a good time
    And thats great
    BUT For me sex is about giving as well as receiving
    Actually, I feel the same about paying for dates too

    Give as well as take

    I CAN see where I have *overfunctioned* in the past, chased too hard, mothered, done it all, and thats not good, but neither is a complete sit back and just wait for stuff to come to you

    There has to be a happy medium, no?

  28.  #28Daria on December 17, 2012 at 11:48 am

    Cartoons are a way kids can pick up on social interaction, defending and putting others down, disrespecting etc… Hmmm

  29.  #29ruth on December 17, 2012 at 11:50 am


    Now that feels nice to read
    But, difference between you and Beth is that you are in a loving committed relationship

  30.  #30ruth on December 17, 2012 at 11:51 am

    Yes, yes yes

  31.  #31GlowStix on December 17, 2012 at 11:54 am

    Sigh. Yeah…It’s my own trigger.

    Bad girl.

    Selfish girl.

    My own judgements of self.

    The other day I actually ran this sentance through my head, during sex. Before a lady named rori ever posted it. “Mmm his pen1s is a tool for my pleasure.” and it turned me on. Way on. And it triggered a huge climax. And I did judge myself for that.

    This is coming up at the right time.

  32.  #32ruth on December 17, 2012 at 11:55 am


    what is that please

  33.  #33Daria on December 17, 2012 at 11:55 am

    ‘She contends that turning it on with anyone and everyone doesnโ€™t really help us to date good quality men but really listening to our body when it shows us who/what we are attracted to is where the real potential for an amazing relationship comes from.’

    Hmmm and if it’s turned on to everyone then we cd still do this….

    If I turn it on e someone… It’s now turned on

    What if I turned in off w someone

    So don’t use my power of being turned on, let it happen without guidance or awareness or opening up from me…

    Then it be the being turned on to what I have opened up to before

    Why wouldn’t I use my huge lower of turn on?

    That feels bad and sad, like my power is not important

    Feels masculine, to not have that and ignore that huge power.

    And I notice I’m attracted to stiff like voice that reminds me of men I loved …

    I feel a bit panicked

    I want to ‘get’ the gift of my power of turn on fully.

    I fe afraid of this power.

    I feel afraid I’ll turn myself on to a man that feels ick

    I fe thrilled knowing I’m safe and that won’t happen, what will happen is glorious pleasure

    I feel terrified

    If I’m turned on to everyone…. Who won’t I be turned on to

    And if I’m not turned off to anyone…. People will think I’m icky and cheap for not being snobby

    They’ll think I’m dirty and diseased for hanging out w dirty diseased people


    What if I’m loved

    I love me

  34.  #34Tam on December 17, 2012 at 11:57 am

    Ruth, I actually agree with you.
    BUT…ever since I got here (US), I find that the best quality men actually get offended when I want to pay for anything. The guy yesterday didn’t know me from Adam and we went to a pretty nice place and it was NOT cheap..I felt bad and offeref to chip in.
    He started laughing and saying: ‘hey, you must be joking, that is my part and I thank you for taking the time to let me have such a wonderful evening’

    MrP did not let me pay for anything either even though he is always strapped…I realise after a while, if I offered, it was like I was taking away his manhood. So I stopped offering.

    Curly, OMG, he is old school in a major way. I offered change for the parking thing the other day and he actually jokingly snapped at me ‘I told you your money is not valid currency for me’ – and he once mentioned before, that a man who doesn’t pay at a date is just being disgusting (I found that pretty harsh language but they all seem to feel strongly about it).

    I stopped arguing..and realise that the currency the guys like is not my money, but clearly my company and my presence. I come from relationships where everything was always split 50/50…so believe me, this is unusual for me.
    But I do feel very much valued actually. And I never ask for anything or suggest expensive dates.

  35.  #35ruth on December 17, 2012 at 11:58 am

    I guess thats the difference between US and Europe

  36.  #36GlowStix on December 17, 2012 at 11:59 am

    Thanks ruth.

    I am also questioning, as I always do for stuff like this “Now that I am aware, and practicing this, would I practice the same way if I was CDing? I believe I would. Although, I trust myself not to abuse others in seeking my own pleasure. I would hardly seduce a man I didn’t care for, blow his mind with sensational sex and then drop him like “sorry, I was just using you for practice, i’m good now.”. :-p

  37.  #37Tam on December 17, 2012 at 12:02 pm

    Actually, I kind of enjoy being taken out nowadays and I am feeling far more relaxed when I see how much the men love it. When I am appreciative and tell them what a lovely time I had and so on, they thrive on it.
    I guess Sex is similar in some ways.
    It really is true that good men get a thrill out of giving, I can just see it all the time now.

  38.  #38GlowStix on December 17, 2012 at 12:03 pm

    Ahhhh clarity. I use the sex I am having to practice. Not just seeking sex to practice. At the same time, I believe if a woman is open with the man she could even seek sex for practice, if it could truly benefit her, and she is in an aware state of mind.

  39.  #39ruth on December 17, 2012 at 12:04 pm

    It is certainly a different mindset
    I think we all like to give, male or female
    Its finding a balance, isnt it

    My tirggers with this post of Roris are different-its all about the using sex to get a cuddle and feel loved
    feels so icky to read and yet that was what I did for so long
    I feel so stupid and silly and worhtless

    Lots to heal

  40.  #40ruth on December 17, 2012 at 12:05 pm

    Upset so cant type

    Might just sit with the feelings for a bit

  41.  #41Tam on December 17, 2012 at 12:05 pm

    35 Ruth, yes I believe so…although the more old-fashioned types in Europe will also take the women out. I wonder when it all changed.
    I also don’t know how it would be in a longer term relationship over here, for sure things would change somehow….especially in a marriage and maybe with common bank accounts and so on. I guess it would blend more.
    Courtship is definitely different. Actually, I NEVER had a guy accept to split a check. Only one guy, but we had a competition and he won a drink – else he wouldn’t have either.
    I have been on a gazillion of dates here.

  42.  #42Daria on December 17, 2012 at 12:06 pm

    I feel terrified .

    I feel like winds are sweeping me


    I feel guilty and sad for having spoken that way.

    It was just wat I imagined, and it keeps me protected yes.

    And I don’t know what’s gona happen after. Perhaps an argument will escalate. But I feel in control. I feel braced and prepared to fight it out. No getting hit over the head wen I’m not looking.

    But it will probably have the same effect it has had in the past… Or will it ?

    I feel confused

    Sometimes I shut down. Sometimes I attack this way.

    I could change all this by being vulnerable

    Thank you Daria for expressing and noticing my pattern

    Yay !

    I’m still feeling scared and I love my fear

    How interesting ! I feel scared

    I’m feeling terrified

    I’m feeling overwhelmed

    I’m feeling like the floor blew open and huge winds are coming un and I’m covering my face…

    Ooh cool stuff

  43.  #43GlowStix on December 17, 2012 at 12:07 pm

    I desire to not judge myself for seeking ways to move and feel that bring me top notch pleasure and ecstasy. I can do that. I also feel a little giggly because there are things I do that people may see as “giving pleasure” yet I see it as taking pleasure. I doubt the man would have complaints in regard to my “taking” pleasure and feeling turned on and up in this.

  44.  #44Tam on December 17, 2012 at 12:08 pm

    I also think that when a guy shows consistent effort, taking me out etc., after a while it feels good for me to do something for them, like cook or bring some food or wine or whatever.
    I prefer it this way because by nature I am not a ‘taker’, and it actually makes me feel great to give. So I don’t stop myself.

  45.  #45Tam on December 17, 2012 at 12:09 pm

    43, yes Glowstix, that resonates with me.

  46.  #46GlowStix on December 17, 2012 at 12:09 pm


    Yeah. I hear you…Been there. I believe in you, you can heal these things!

    Love you!

  47.  #47Daria on December 17, 2012 at 12:10 pm

    I not – on the surface – worried about abusing others because I know time w me is a gift, like a blessing from the Virgin Mary.

    When I do get worried its my patterns fear of being attacked, guilt tripped, abandoned

    Yay for noticing !

  48.  #48ruth on December 17, 2012 at 12:10 pm

    well, Tam, it goes back to does CD ing “work” in Europe
    Smile does seem to be managing it so far

    Yes, older chaps(late forties and on) do seem to expect to pay over here

    You know, I think I have a bit of a block on this as I have *always* made sure i have my financial independence
    And Im kind of having an issue with a man “paying for my company”.Bad associations.
    what an odd trigger, but it is one

  49.  #49ruth on December 17, 2012 at 12:12 pm

    thank you
    Its my old self esteeem issue yet again
    Gah, does this one ever go away

  50.  #50Daria on December 17, 2012 at 12:12 pm

    Hell yeah that’s what’s magical about receiving, it allows for effortless giving that’s way more previous feeling than any effort full giving from my part…

    Ahh Daria I love you

    Mami I feel scared of these women’s criticisms !

    I’m here while you feel that way

    How interesting you feel that wa
    Ohh starting to feel better …

  51.  #51GlowStix on December 17, 2012 at 12:13 pm

    During the last couple years of marriage I used my sexuality to cry out for affection. I ended up feeling used up and abandoned. I also adopted an overtly sexual persona because I didn’t believe I could turn him on if I didn’t do this. I felt scared. Like he’d never sleep with me again if I didn’t do this. And I feel gross with these images in my head.

  52.  #52ruth on December 17, 2012 at 12:15 pm

    Stixy, I hear ya

  53.  #53ruth on December 17, 2012 at 12:16 pm

    Gives me such enormous hope Stixy, to know one can come through this
    You did

  54.  #54Daria on December 17, 2012 at 12:17 pm

    Nanny Cd texted me last night to ask to be official boyfriend and girlfriend ‘before he gets friend zoned ‘


    He still didn’t kiss me last nite

    But he’s been totally there for me , picking me up when I’m stranded late nite twice in a row, getting me food w most of his budget and less for him… Being sweet to me and saying I’m amazing and he wants to marry me…

    So I feel worried I’m gona get abandoned now after I give the no gf speech

    And I feel excited to to see what happens next

    Life loves me !

  55.  #55GlowStix on December 17, 2012 at 12:19 pm


    Trusting life does love you, and sending good energy your way for your speech.

  56.  #56ruth on December 17, 2012 at 12:19 pm

    I feel curious
    If you do the speech and he steps up and offers you a ring, will you take it

  57.  #57Daria on December 17, 2012 at 12:20 pm

    I get triggers w my girl cuz we don’t take time out to sit in silence… That feels rich and restful and nourishing to me

    I feel scared to talk about this

    I wonder how I can talk about this

    I feel sad now

    I feel

    I feel detached

    I feel lost

    I love myself

    I love my sadness


    I love my ๐Ÿ™

  58.  #58Daria on December 17, 2012 at 12:22 pm

    Ruth – no, I don’t feel confortable at that level… We only kissed once… It was many dates ago, no sexual interactions…

    I think he’s got some kind of Christian belief system thing going on about that and I’m feeling lost as we haven’t fully talked about it

  59.  #59GlowStix on December 17, 2012 at 12:22 pm

    Happy to be a beacon of hope ruth! I am special, but not that special. I believe it’s possible for anyone. I believe I am lucky, to have caught this before even more years, and layers were added. I can imagine all the layers that would be there if I never had become aware :S

  60.  #60Daria on December 17, 2012 at 12:23 pm

    I’m also Africa man will turn out to be bisexual and cheat on me w men. And get aids and give it to me.

    I want to heal this

  61.  #61Calypso on December 17, 2012 at 12:23 pm

    Something else I discovered on my long road trip this week is that i have dozens of facial ticks – like expressions, but not really an expression – just a quick jerk of the left side fo my mouth – and they all have different meanings. I’ve noticed myself doing them before, but just ignored it, but on this long road trip where i relaxed and felt my feelings, I started to analyze and give mane to each of my ticks.

    The one I use when I suddenly think of GM and force him out of my mind is “Remorse” – like the death of someone I loved.

    I have one that I use when I am amused by soemthing i am thinking, but ti is not a smile – just a quick flash of amusement doused by mu next thought, whatever it is.

    It was interesteing to really focus on them when they would come and figure out the exact meaning. Realizing the one associated with GM was actually remorse was a huge breakthrough for me. Letting myself feel the grief for the loss of that love is going to be critical to my healing.

  62.  #62Daria on December 17, 2012 at 12:24 pm

    *afraid not Africa

  63.  #63ruth on December 17, 2012 at 12:25 pm

    58,Daria, so in that case, would the no GF speech jut mean he carries on as one of your CDS for now.Or do you want him to step up?.I do feel a bit confused
    59.Stixy, well, I am almost twice your age, so a LOT of healing to do

  64.  #64Daria on December 17, 2012 at 12:25 pm

    Wow Calypso – thank you for sharing… That self exploration and healing feels moving to me

  65.  #65Daria on December 17, 2012 at 12:26 pm

    Ohh I just let the waves of fear and numbness wash thru

    Now I felt a lil tail none squeeze and a queasiness

  66.  #66Daria on December 17, 2012 at 12:27 pm

    Ruth – yes he can continue dating me as a Cd, and maybe see what he thinks about us not getting closer sexually, as it’s starting to feel a little bored like and confusing for me

  67.  #67ruth on December 17, 2012 at 12:29 pm

    Ah, gotcha daria

    wasnt sure where this was on yor timeline

  68.  #68GlowStix on December 17, 2012 at 12:34 pm

    Thanks ruth! Yet…I find it difficult to believe you are close to 60!!

    Without inquiry…I see you as no older than 40. I guess this is a judgement based on pics and such.

  69.  #69Tam on December 17, 2012 at 12:36 pm

    48 Ruth, believe it or not every time it comes to paying I feel bad, so it does resonate with me.
    Perhaps deep down I feel unworthy.
    I don’t know.
    That feels sad.
    So I am triggering myself with this and hoping it heals…but I have had guys say to me ‘you deserve it darling’…which has helped ๐Ÿ˜‰

  70.  #70ruth on December 17, 2012 at 12:37 pm

    Im 48 Glowy
    oops, no Im not
    Im 47 till next May

    Oh dear

  71.  #71GlowStix on December 17, 2012 at 12:39 pm


    I am walking with you through these feelings around paying!

  72.  #72GlowStix on December 17, 2012 at 12:40 pm



    I do that myself. Eek! What am I again? 30? No no not yet. Only 29 ๐Ÿ™‚

  73.  #73Daria on December 17, 2012 at 12:42 pm

    I’m feeling scared my patterns are leading me down the wrong lane w my girl. She attacked me , twice , recently. Both in front of men.

    After a situation w one of her friends who attacked me a few days ago.

    I have a belief that I will just ‘let this go’ and then ruin the friendship by not saying anything and being nice to the lady moment where I withdraw and don’t feel safe anymore.

    That’s what it seems is happening with me with my Godsister.

    Also I have a belief girls may ‘hate’ in front of guys to make themselves look like the cool, dominant one, and that it is something to brush off and laugh at as insecurity.

    And that I unconsciously do this without meaning to or noticing it also . Do I ? I dono

    And I have a belief that people – like my girl – will have less respect once they see someone violate your boundaries and you don’t respond defensively.

    So when my gf friend attacked me that day, it opened the door for her to.

    She only did of before once, long ago

    And now I feel on guard

    It’s like a perpetual layer

    So now what ?

    I feel angry

    I feel scared to get in a physical fight w my friend

    I feel scared to get punched

    I feel worried to worry about my house windows

    Which I do when someone knows where I live and I have a conflict w them

    I love myself

    Thank you for writing this down

    I want to heal this

    Wanting to heal the fear of being punched

    The flash abd I want to close my eyes slow down feeling

    Then sad heart heavy sad heart want to cry so sad to not feel loved

    And anger

    The sad feeling slows me down and it feels horrible as I don’t feel safe to protect and defend myself feeling slow and sad

    I love my slow and sad feeling

  74.  #74Mercedes on December 17, 2012 at 12:42 pm

    ” Lay off.” Heehee…okay…

    To clarify for those who don’t need me to lay off: I wasn’t talking about a man feeling used if I (or anyone) get pleasure from his body. Men do love that. My man loves that. He’s very careful about making sure I’m satisfied long before he is. He’s the most amazing lover I’ve ever experienced and he is certainly a giver. No, I’m not talking about getting pleasure from a man’s body. I’m talking about taking Rori’s advice and actually “using him and his body to get pleasure” (her words, not mine). That’s terrible and disrespectful and wrong in my mind. Getting and giving pleasure is so much a part of being with a man. USING a man is disgusting to me. Receiving it when he gives it is quite another matter.

    ((((Ruth))))) You’re beautiful. You will heal. You are healing virtually every single time I see your posts. PUA, btw, is pickup artist. They are something else. I can’t really go into it all here (can but can’t bring myself to) but google them if you like. You’ll be amazed most likely.

    Radiant Rising: I’m so sorry for everything you had to go through. There are a lot of coaches out there who aren’t like that at all but yes…many who do take advantage and much worse (as what happened to you). Many who are very irresponsible in their advice and in their greed. I hope you are healing from all that happened. It sounds like you are. ๐Ÿ™‚ My heart goes out to you.

    Starla – 19 – You ROCK!

    And for other ladies who just don’t “get it”…maybe Daria can help you…

    Much Love,

  75.  #75Daria on December 17, 2012 at 12:43 pm

    ‘I don’t feel good being talked to that way my nigga I’m not your prostitute’

    Wow good !

    Thank you Daria!

    More more

  76.  #76Calypso on December 17, 2012 at 12:45 pm

    Looking at the exact definition of Remorse, it is a strong feeling of guilt and regret . . . hmmm . . .

    Regret, yes i get that, but where is the guilt coming from? I feel it, I just don’t get it. Why do thoughts of GM make me feel this way? It’s like I keep thinking back to our relationship and the way things were and wishing I could get a do-over. I cringe when I think of some of the overfunctioning things I did that contributed to him running from “us”. maybe i feel remorse because I believe i helped kill our relationship and I so much wish I could change it, but I know I can’t. it feels heavy and pinchy in my chest.

  77.  #77GlowStix on December 17, 2012 at 12:47 pm

    I do feel unworthy of being paid for. Deep in the back of my head is where this feeling resides. If I move into my pelvis I feel centered and worthy of all the gifts life willing to bestow upon me.

    Then there is also a feeling of guilt. If he can’t pay for both of us, he can’t go at all and he wants to go. This feeling resides in my throat/chest. If I touch on my heart and again go deeper into my core I know I don’t have to bust this boundary for us to have a good night. We can both have fun doing something else.

    There is also fear there, tingling my skin. It says I am vulnerable to receiving resentment type energy. I canrub that away. He is free to feel angry if we can’t go. Though I don’t truly believe he will feel angry. If he does, I don’t have to see that as having resentment energy projected on me.

  78.  #78ruth on December 17, 2012 at 12:48 pm

    thank you mercedes
    I feel comforted

  79.  #79Luzydel on December 17, 2012 at 12:52 pm

    I understand; what Rory wrote and perhaps using was not the correct word, but be able to have s8x without expectations and enjoy it in the moment?

    Just be careful, unlike men we pay the consequences way bigger. I do not think I’m prego at all, but just here thinking if I was, I may have to have an abortion. I never had one, go through all the emotional issues etc. All by myself. I rather explore myself alone and when a serious unselfish man is in my life, then I will practice with him.

    “D” proved he is a very selfish man… and I do not want to deal with him for now. I learned my lesson, no sex if a man doesn’t love me.

  80.  #80Tam on December 17, 2012 at 12:52 pm

    ‘And for other ladies who just donโ€™t โ€œget itโ€โ€ฆmaybe Daria can help youโ€ฆ’

    I am happy for you Mercedes, that you ‘get it’..though I am feeling unsure as to what you are getting, seems like permanent ‘defence’ based rants and not much else.

    Not even entertaining anymore, must skip them.

  81.  #81Daria on December 17, 2012 at 12:52 pm

    I can help anyone sure if you want help from me ๐Ÿ™‚ always

  82.  #82ruth on December 17, 2012 at 12:53 pm

    I just googled

    One page was enough

    Actually my first reaction was to laugh

    and then

    I know men are diffrent to women but surely they must get tired of all that too

  83.  #83Daria on December 17, 2012 at 12:53 pm

    Wait I’m entering into a fake smile pattern

  84.  #84Daria on December 17, 2012 at 12:54 pm

    Mercedes – this feels annoying. I don’t want to be antagonized. Thank you.

  85.  #85ruth on December 17, 2012 at 12:54 pm

    Luzydel, yes we do invest more as well at times, I dont just mean about the pregnancy thing, but we get more involved I think

    I hope you are okay

  86.  #86Tam on December 17, 2012 at 12:57 pm

    It feels….umm..fake actually and inauthentic. eek.
    All that advice and explaining and ranting…I used to be like that when I was deeply unhappy. Not going back there, even if I don’t ‘get it’.
    I get that much.

  87.  #87Mercedes on December 17, 2012 at 12:58 pm

    I think I need to write an entire post on this (my words from above). I re-read it and believe 100%:

    “I think we have a much better chance of manifesting the relationship we want and deserve if we treat ourselves and the men in our lives as loving, beautiful human beings. We canโ€™t, I donโ€™t believe, find a connection by using men for anything. I really believe we have to feel our feelings, learn to trust those feelings, learn to act based on those feelings and allow a man to experience our feelings with us to form a deeper connection with him.”

    If I have time tonight, I believe I have the theme for my next article. It’s time for me to focus on that blog a little bit anyway. Sometimes I miss it. ๐Ÿ™‚

    Much Love,

  88.  #88Daria on December 17, 2012 at 12:59 pm

    Aha okay yay ! More patterns to notice… Thank you Daria

    Thank you all women here for the trigger

    Ok so when Really ? Came up what was I feeling in my. Vulner ability

    ‘oh no I’m being questioned I’m being attacked I’m not being understood… That feels bad , that feels scary, oh no I Wang to run away abd hide… I feel scared I feel sad very sad… I feel alone’

    I love all my feelings

    (((((( Daria ))))))

  89.  #89Mercedes on December 17, 2012 at 1:01 pm

    Luzydel: This I can totally get on board with. If it’s what she meant and “use” wasn’t the right word, then I totally agree (as you said, as long as we are careful with our own feelings):

    “but be able to have s8x without expectations and enjoy it in the moment”

    LOVE that!

    Daria: I don’t like being antagonized either so you’re welcome and thank you too.

    Much Love,

  90.  #90Daria on December 17, 2012 at 1:02 pm

    Yay Daria

    Ohhhh I feel so sad

    And I feel achy tail none and tightened up Heart

    This feels too much

    How interesting to notice this

    Thank you Daria

  91.  #91Daria on December 17, 2012 at 1:05 pm

    No man the word USING was crucial there for me

    Using him and his body to get pleasures can do this

    Yes using him that’s correct men want that

    Oh yum oh fuchkin amazing rich rutness

  92.  #92Daria on December 17, 2012 at 1:06 pm

    Dammit I want to feel understood and celebrated

    Foot stomp

  93.  #93GlowStix on December 17, 2012 at 1:09 pm

    I get why I feel sooooo urrrgh-y about all that.

    Because why can’t I do it all at the same time?

    Why can’t I manifest the relationship I want, in that way…


    Use feeling messages…


    See his body as a pleasure tool…


    See him and treat him as a beautiful human being…


    Hold firm my boundaries….


    Lean back and receive…


    Say “I don’t want….”


    Believe I am a giving and generous and valuable person…


    on and on and on and on?

    Dam right! I want it all. Happy. More pls.

  94.  #94ruth on December 17, 2012 at 1:11 pm

    I have a problem with the word “used”, and its concept
    Feels controlling to me and disrespectful
    One “uses” objects, not people-well, thats how i feel anyway

  95.  #95Mercedes on December 17, 2012 at 1:11 pm

    Let’s try an experiment, shall we? How about half of the women out here put this on their profile:

    “I want to use you and your body for my own pleasure”

    and the other half put this:

    “I enjoying receiving pleasure from a man who is loving and caring with me”

    And let’s keep track of how which profiles get the most one night stand proposals and which get the most high quality men who are interested in finding the relationship of THEIR dreams too.

    I’m absolutely positive the first comment will get the most responses.

    Or…wait…maybe we’re not actually supposed to TELL the men we’re using them????


  96.  #96Tam on December 17, 2012 at 1:12 pm

    I feel amused. Highly ๐Ÿ™‚

  97.  #97Mercedes on December 17, 2012 at 1:16 pm

    Ruth: Exactly!!

    Glowstix: I believe anyone can have all that. As long as he’s aware of being used. Personally, I believe “receiving what he offers” is better than “using him” but it could probably go either way I guess. For me, it would all be about being honest with a man and hoping you find one who is willing to be used. Not receiving his offers. Used. In my experience though, communication and honesty is key so if he knows you’re using him and he’s good with it then I would imagine things could work out beautifully. Not the kind of man I want for me (a man who wants to be used and not received isn’t for me) but it could certainly be for others.

    Much Love,

  98.  #98Tam on December 17, 2012 at 1:18 pm

    Men don’t have a problem with using a woman just for sex…they might do it honestly, or dishonestly.
    They might pay for it even.

  99.  #99GlowStix on December 17, 2012 at 1:21 pm

    I guess I would have be simply “using” him in order to be open about “using” him. Otherwise….It’s just a lie. Something someone decided I am doing, projected upon me, and hoped I would adopt as belief and open up about as truth.

  100.  #100Mercedes on December 17, 2012 at 1:26 pm

    GlowStix: I don’t mean you are doing it. I mean Rori is suggesting we do it. I don’t like the suggestion that women treat men this way. I don’t actually know of anyone on this blog using a man for anything (at least not from the comments I’ve read). I do know women who have used men in the past. But the advice is that we do it and I’m not comfortable with that advice at all. I’m pretty sure when I show J the advice he’ll agree. He’ll agree that men enjoy having their bodies used for sex and he’ll agree that the women in the past who have used him are no longer with him. I’m certain he’ll agree that using a man does not lead to a healthy relationship. All of this agreement will be coming from our own lives and our own experiences. Not from trying to project on others.

    I believe (somewhat…not a full on believer but a cautious believer and a full believer in karma so…) in the power of attraction. I believe that if we use people, we will be used. I also believe that’s okay…if that’s what we want. I personally have no desire for it in my life.

    Much Love,

  101.  #101Daria on December 17, 2012 at 1:28 pm

    I talked to NannyCD. I felt giggly and turn away and even judging rolling my eyes blushing good and tight scared embarassed

    I wonder if that’s a ‘thrill’ Rori talks about about sharing my vulnerability

    Am I on the way to falling in love ?

    He said he’s gona kiss me more now.

    I told him breezily I don’t want to be a gf

    I’m judging him for being so slow to move things sexually

    I’m not shutting down

    Yay me babysteps

  102.  #102GlowStix on December 17, 2012 at 1:32 pm

    Thanks for clarifying, mercedes! Must be why it felt like a projection. It didn’t feel true for me.

  103.  #103ruth on December 17, 2012 at 1:32 pm

    98, Tam
    sure they do
    and surely women also do the same with men sometimes
    It happens
    Nothing wrong with it if between consenting adults who know the score
    Its not the way I want to go though

  104.  #104Daria on December 17, 2012 at 1:32 pm

    I feel so glad I’m healing and doing so well with not getting triggered by the word ‘used’ as I know how scared I can be of that trigger

    This seems si important tied to receiving,

    And how ‘taking’ is judged as bad and therefore reviving and using etc


    Yay for healing and bringing the true pleasure of honest using scared ecstasy, not distorted judged stuffed down using

  105.  #105Starla on December 17, 2012 at 1:33 pm

    I feel so triggered that my assistant/girl friend here at work doesn’t like at all what’s happening with QZ.

    But what’s triggering me is that it’s upsetting her. I feel really guilty making someone else have negative feelings.

  106.  #106GlowStix on December 17, 2012 at 1:34 pm

    Being very careful to specify…I use the sex as a tool. As an opportunity for expansion and growth. I don’t use the man himself. The man in my story is highly adored. And loved. Though I know I don’t say that, here, very often. With all
    my self focus and “I am loved” type talk.

  107.  #107Daria on December 17, 2012 at 1:35 pm

    Yay for healing using

    More Daria

    I feel scared to use my brother to get the family and community I want harmonized

    I don’t know how to do this




    I want to heal all this

    It’s feeling a bit overwhelming

    I feel sad

    So interesting to notice this

  108.  #108Tam on December 17, 2012 at 1:35 pm

    105 Starla, you are not responsible for anybody else’s feelings. At all.

  109.  #109ruth on December 17, 2012 at 1:36 pm

    well said Tam
    Starla, her feelings are her issue, not yours

  110.  #110GlowStix on December 17, 2012 at 1:36 pm

    I do allow him to bring me healing and feeling and positivity, however. And could easily supply the term “use” here, and not feel ashamed of that.

    It is, after all, just a tiny word. It is the energy we apply to the word that matters most.

  111.  #111Daria on December 17, 2012 at 1:39 pm

    Well I will use my man

    ‘use him as he wants to be ised’ as Rori says

    I will receive his usefulness, his soul and not judge his giving by judging my using and receiving

    Dear men I can use you! I will receive you

    I am here for that

    Yay ๐Ÿ™‚

    I love that I get this

    I feel scared seeing other people seem to not get it

    Get triggered about using people and triggered about takers instead of honoring

    Shutting down their receiver

    Yay Im not yay yay yay

    I’m the smart one again
    Oh it feels scary

    I want to heal this

  112.  #112Tam on December 17, 2012 at 1:42 pm

    We ‘use’ other people from the day we are born, however you want to word it, and they ‘use’ us.
    Is it always negative?
    I use a pan for cooking. Would the pan be offended if I told it ‘hey, I am only using you’.
    Trying to ‘get’ love from someone is also ‘using’ them for our needs.
    So if we all stopped having our needs taken care of and ‘using’ people in a co-existing kind of way, where do we end up?
    In a cave all alone.
    I don’t see it as a negative word, or an all exclusive word, like a bad thing.
    Infants ‘use’ their mother.
    Does that make them disgusting?
    ‘There is nothing bad unless thinking makes it so’

  113.  #113Daria on December 17, 2012 at 1:42 pm

    I wish everyone was getting it with me ๐Ÿ™

    I feel scared and windy and sad and overwhelm brain when I’m the one who gets it seemingly on my own and this seems to come up for me all the time

    And I ‘be quiet and say nothing’ the way stories advise ‘wise’ men and women to do and it Doesn’t feel good it feels judgemental and sad and I want to heal this


    Foot stomp I feel worked up and shouty and frightened and gonna tremble lip and cry !

  114.  #114Mercedes on December 17, 2012 at 1:42 pm

    GlowStix: I LOVE this:

    “I use the sex as a tool. As an opportunity for expansion and growth. I donโ€™t use the man himself. ”

    I would totally be on board with advice like that to “Beth” or me or anyone else. That is beautiful and respectful and loving. And I’m positive most men would welcome it and would be happy to give to a woman with those feelings about it. ๐Ÿ™‚

    Much Love,

  115.  #115GlowStix on December 17, 2012 at 1:44 pm

    Yes daria! Thank you.

    He is rather useful ๐Ÿ˜‰

    I am over here, myself, wondering…Why? It’s just a word! My energy would show I am not “using to gain and drain” I am “Using what is offered to me freely, to it’s fullest potential.”

  116.  #116ruth on December 17, 2012 at 1:44 pm

    a pan is an object
    an infant knows no better
    as adult humans we have choices as to how we treat others

    yes, I hold my hands up
    I *have* used
    I have been used

    neither of those situations have ever felt good to me

  117.  #117Tam on December 17, 2012 at 1:44 pm

    My friends ‘use’ me for company, a listening ear, someone to socialise with, to call when they need to talk. I do the same. It’s called give and take.

  118.  #118Daria on December 17, 2012 at 1:44 pm

    I feel guilty as I know I’m not the only one who gets it

    I feel guilty for having the ‘alone’ trigger

    I judge my alone trigger as drama queen attention drawing

    I love my drama queen attention drawing

    Inauthentic ?

    I love my judgements and fears

  119.  #119Daria on December 17, 2012 at 1:45 pm

    I feel more solid seeing other women seemingly get it, yet I still feel defended drawing my coat up against the wind

  120.  #120Daria on December 17, 2012 at 1:46 pm

    I don’t like feeling that way, cold fingers

  121.  #121Starla on December 17, 2012 at 1:46 pm

    108 tam you’re right:) but she was there for me when my heart was broken over him.

  122.  #122ruth on December 17, 2012 at 1:46 pm

    117 tam, no, thats not the same
    maybe its semantic, but *use* in this context for me means taking without giving back

  123.  #123GlowStix on December 17, 2012 at 1:47 pm


    Ahh thank you! I’m all caught up in words and energies and “it doesn’t have to look ugly, like that!”. It’s all about the good feeling energy and sharing. Rather than just “gimme gimme gimme and you don’t matter as a human.”.

  124.  #124Mercedes on December 17, 2012 at 1:48 pm

    I will always (well…not always…it’s something I still work on but I’ll try to always…) be willing to receive what other people are giving to me. I will not use them for anything. I will use what they give me. I will not use them. Receiving them as human beings. Receiving their offers. Offering love and compassion in return. Receiving and offering and loving. No using in my life where (as Ruth so perfectly put it) people are concerned.

    Much Love,

  125.  #125Tam on December 17, 2012 at 1:48 pm

    122 Ruth, yes, so does that make a baby a mean person? Because right at the beginning of their life, they can’t give anything back – they do later, yes.
    The mother doesn’t mind being used because she loves the baby so much…

  126.  #126Starla on December 17, 2012 at 1:49 pm

    “I feel more solid seeing other women seemingly get it, yet I still feel defended drawing my coat up against the wind”

    isn’t it tiring to be the self-appointed vanguard of this sort of thing on behalf of other women, suffering, scolding, and celebrating all based on how others act or think?

    i never wanted to be the hall monitor in school growing up, except for when i felt unaccepted by others. Then i totally wanted to bust their asses for not doing things ‘right’.

    sometimes i worry. but i should probably keep my mouth shut. but i’m hitting send anyway cuz i’m a loose canon or something…..

  127.  #127Mercedes on December 17, 2012 at 1:50 pm

    GlowStix: 123 You ‘get’ me I think. ๐Ÿ™‚ ๐Ÿ™‚ ๐Ÿ™‚

    Much Love,

  128.  #128ruth on December 17, 2012 at 1:51 pm

    No tam, it doesnt.They arent yet sentient beings who can make a rational decision.they just-are
    But it does make an adult a not nice person

    123 and 124

    yes, I relate to that
    I fel good reading that

  129.  #129Tam on December 17, 2012 at 1:51 pm

    The word ‘use’ does not trigger me at all.
    Perhaps because I never felt that I ever ‘used’ anyone…maybe that’s why.
    Not sure, but yes, no triggers with the word use whatsoever.

  130.  #130Starla on December 17, 2012 at 1:52 pm

    i also drafted a ‘loose canon’ email to my own mother this morning. saying she needs to leave me alone unless she goes to therapy for being a pathological liar. i haven’t hit send yet cuz it’s fairly scathing and could probably use editing

  131.  #131ruth on December 17, 2012 at 1:52 pm

    Alos, if I have a totally scared patient to deal with, then, yes, I sometimes get used
    they cant think striaght and thats different
    But someone who uses deliberately-well, that desnt feel good at all to me

  132.  #132Tam on December 17, 2012 at 1:53 pm

    Come to think of it, I also never felt ‘used’ by anyone, although I probably was in some ways…hm.
    I feel happy about that.

  133.  #133Mercedes on December 17, 2012 at 1:53 pm

    Starla: 126 – YUP!

    Ruth: I agree with you on the children thing. But I don’t think babies use people because they don’t know any better. I think they receive what is given (and they do it unconditionally…they do it perfectly). They give back love and laughter and kisses and hugs and coos and smiles…oh…babies don’t use their parents anymore than a woman receiving the love of her man uses him.

    Much Love,

  134.  #134GlowStix on December 17, 2012 at 1:55 pm

    I can’t even bring myself to ask for gas money when I give people rides. I’m not a high risk using up peoples energy or being harmful hahah ๐Ÿ˜‰

  135.  #135ruth on December 17, 2012 at 1:56 pm

    Babies just are
    they havent had any opportunity to get messed up yet

  136.  #136Daria on December 17, 2012 at 1:56 pm

    Well I’m gona be using to gain and drain haha literally

    Well as long as its honest this is a huge gift not only to the man but to life for me to honor and be this taking usung receiving energy

    The trigger w using is in ‘dishonesty’ and this hiding it’s exalted ness in honesty

    Okay w Nanny Cd

    I want to run away and find a man who’s more comfortable moving things along sexually

    I feel like if I don’t, I’ll be ‘baring with him’ and therefore overfunctioning

    And making myself resentful ‘you loser, I kept dating you even though you were like not even knowing how to move things along and I hung in there waiting for you to figure it out feeling all awkward and judgemental and icky and uncomfortable’ and you do This?

    Whatever this is

    In other words I feel like I’m making an effort

    Like I shouldn’t be w a man I judge this much

    And there’s more for me to explore here I don’t want to push him away

    I could talk to him about sexuality

    Will I ever get over how ‘lame’ thus is ?

    Is this something I can handle, his seemingly total sexual inexperience

    I like men who are experienced abc skilled at sex and moving forward sexually…

    Is this something I can open up with?

    I feel worried his libido would be low…

    I like the men who want to do it everyday

    I don’t get the impression he would want that, even if we were having sex.

    Thus is singing to talk about

    I’m staring to feel insecure, concerned

    The truth us I’m used to moving along sexually much faster than this, and this feels confusing and a bit off putting to me

    I don’t want to push him away as I really enjoy time with him and I feel genuinely card for abd loved Bd that feels lovely abd warm


  137.  #137Starla on December 17, 2012 at 1:57 pm

    133 mercedes

    it feels so good to see others agreeing with me, and i reeaaaalllly don’t want anyone else to chime in and say they agree, because i feel uncomfortable about it seeming like anyone is being ganged up on. well i think in this case it is a bit of ganging up… i guess it’s all perspective. um in any rambling case, thank you for taking time to validate me, and let’s please leave my comments and thoughts there and not expand on it because i didn’t say them so that people could agree and validate me at the potential expense of another (in this case, Daria), you know what i’m saying?

  138.  #138GlowStix on December 17, 2012 at 1:57 pm


    I’m feeling what you’re throwing out there.

    I also think that everyone makes their own choices. I don’t have the kind of power it takes to “force” anyone to do something they truly don’t want to do.

  139.  #139ruth on December 17, 2012 at 1:59 pm

    that sounds like a *next* to me

  140.  #140GlowStix on December 17, 2012 at 2:00 pm

    I jive with most facets of the conversation. Aside from personal growth through sex being turned into something ugly. I don’t want that. And also whatever personal issues ladies have between each other. That’s none of my business.

  141.  #141Daria on December 17, 2012 at 2:00 pm

    Well if I was a masculine energy looking to give myself and not receive anything back as that conflicts with my masculine energy I would be Thrilled to find an energy that’s willing to receive me fully with enough respect to not give to me.

    It’s like finding a pussy to fuchk w my duck that won’t try to penetrate me herself… Just be the receiving pussy oh I know men love to Give that way haha they wouldn’t want a duck to come out and fuchk them haha well not masculine energy men

  142.  #142ruth on December 17, 2012 at 2:02 pm

    it will probablt really pee you off starla but I am loving your antsyness

    Ok,its not a word

  143.  #143Mercedes on December 17, 2012 at 2:02 pm

    Starla: I understand. I was agreeing for me, not for ganging up and I’m sorry I gave that impression. I read what you wrote and it absolutely resonated with me. It wasn’t meant to be at the expense of anyone else. It was a good feeling in my heart to read it, that’s all.

    Much Love,

  144.  #144Femininewoman on December 17, 2012 at 2:02 pm

    Starla and Mercedes your words above resonate with me. I don’t like the idea of “using” anyone especially with something so sweet and precious. I see sex as a sacred act because it can create such happiness in a person’s life and such oneness with another human spirit. I also don’t like be painted with a broad brush of shut down or triggered.

  145.  #145Daria on December 17, 2012 at 2:04 pm

    Hey ladies – mercedes and starla – I’m not reading your posts about me. Hope you’re working out whatever’s triggered! If you want to communicate w me about something feel free to grab my attention… Otherwise feel free to use my posts for fodder!

    Thank you for your presence here … It feels great to have you here contributing and witnessing my healing

  146.  #146GlowStix on December 17, 2012 at 2:05 pm

    I can’t help but wonder, Daria, if you see it as draining a man…It will be perceived as draining to him? Is it what you want, truly…All debate aside. You do attatch positive energy to “using what is useful” and could continue to attatch positive energy as seeing that as “filling up” a man instead of “draining”. I would feel uncomfortable to see all that positive energy assigned to the word/action go down the drain…So to speak. It is your reality though, and I don’t want to tamper with it.

  147.  #147Mercedes on December 17, 2012 at 2:06 pm

    FW: 144 Well said.

    Much Love,

  148.  #148Daria on December 17, 2012 at 2:08 pm

    I’m not reading the posts because I think you’re triggered and misunderstanding me and my communications and intentions and I get the impression by skimming id feel really truggered like judged reading those posts and I don’t feel comfortable to ‘go there’ w my lil girl right now. So it feels better to skip and hope you are all getting healing and benefit from the posts as I am from posting mine…

  149.  #149GlowStix on December 17, 2012 at 2:08 pm

    Woops nevermind daria! your post 141…I get it. You get it. No worries ๐Ÿ™‚

  150.  #150Daria on December 17, 2012 at 2:09 pm

    Glowstix – men get literally drained of semen when they ejaculate…

  151.  #151Femininewoman on December 17, 2012 at 2:11 pm

    Ooops just saw 137

  152.  #152Starla on December 17, 2012 at 2:12 pm

    daria, there’s nothing scary to avoid in my comment to mercedes. in fact, probably 99% of the time you say that you’re not reading something I wrote about you, it’s something nice, defending you, validating you, etc.

    i don’t care if you don’t read it, but going out of your way to say that you’re not going to read it feels like a slap in the face. like how i feel when i overfunction with a man.

    the word ‘use’ doesn’t trigger me, because no words trigger me, unless they’re used to wrongly quote me/put ideas or words in my mouth. i have a piece of paper with the word ‘linguistics and language’ on it from a popular university that relieved me of a relationship with words that results in triggering.

    i often find myself getting irritated with people that splice hairs over semantics when the root concept is the same

  153.  #153Starla on December 17, 2012 at 2:14 pm

    i don’t think i am explaining myself well because i’m sneaking in posting at work and i’m all rushed and i feel stupid and NOW i actually do feel totally triggered hehhhhhhhhhh

  154.  #154Starla on December 17, 2012 at 2:15 pm

    okay daria you probably won’t want to read this, cuz now i really am processing:)

    and really i shouldn’t be talking to daria at all, because i’m violating my own boundary.

    i did this with my mom for a long time. i’d say no we can’t have a relationship if things are like x, and then i’d give in and contact her and talk to her and seek validation


    love to me

    it’s okay little girl

  155.  #155Daria on December 17, 2012 at 2:16 pm

    He can ‘fill me up’ with it

    I feel more excited to step even more extremely and radically into this feminine space, seeing how triggering it seems to be for the commenters here (in my impression, it’s actually just some, but it’s playing into my pattern and might be related to how I create fulfillment of my need for significance) I get that there’s a big need for that energy to be embodied in the world and maverick me can do it yay.

    Also noticing more (defensive) words flowing to address situations w women where I felt frightened recently.

    Yay I’m feeling empowered and now to babystep to opened sand vulnerability from here

  156.  #156Starla on December 17, 2012 at 2:18 pm

    fw, the word use doesn’t trigger me at all, though.

  157.  #157Luzydel on December 17, 2012 at 2:21 pm

    Now D was trying to get closed and I blew him off; I still have skeletons from the past… ๐Ÿ™

  158.  #158ruth on December 17, 2012 at 2:22 pm

    I feel totally lost and confused

  159.  #159Starla on December 17, 2012 at 2:24 pm

    is it my odd babbling, ruth? ๐Ÿ™‚

    i’m acting kind of weird today…

    just noticing this about myself

  160.  #160Mercedes on December 17, 2012 at 2:24 pm

    Luzydel: Are you okay? “Blew him off”. Is that what you did? Or did you step back for a minute because it felt right? I know about skeletons from the past though so I’m not trying to reframe anything if it doesn’t need it, just another perspective maybe??

    Ruth: What happened?

    Much Love,

  161.  #161Femininewoman on December 17, 2012 at 2:26 pm

    Luzydel may I suggest looking how you can be soft. Maybe embracing a name for yourself that could slowly get into your subconscious? Different things about your words and even you pic leave me with a sense of aloofness related to you. I might be totally wrong so please ignore if this does not resonate with you.

  162.  #162Daria on December 17, 2012 at 2:26 pm

    Oh no Starla – ! Just started your post to me and I feel all shocked and upset that my saying that felt like a slap in the face…

    I more wanted to make it clear to the other posters that I wasn’t reading so they wd know that in case they they thought I was and felt upset seeing me not defend myself and —- just another pattern of perception I have frequently that got truggered into running…


    I wasn’t trying to have it come off as a slap to you or anyone.

    I genuinely don’t feel confortable reading right now though I feel kinda like I’m getting shot at with bullets from diff directions at the moment —- another frequent pattern of mine that’s being truggered now —–

    I feel sad

    I feel all frustrated cuz I want to communicate openly abd lovingly and also I feel like one of my eyeballs is gonna pop from the uncomfortableness of this for me

    My pattern is I will take a few more stabs in the heart before this gets calmer… I notice this pattern often w my mom

    And I’m really practicing not taking any (stabs on the heart by staying to hear stuff that feels bad after I felt bad )

    This is really rich for me w triggers to heal… So thank you so much for being here and interacting with me in any way you wish :).

    Whew. I was feeling numb a bit now a bit relieved I fee a bit unburdened

  163.  #163Daria on December 17, 2012 at 2:27 pm

    Ruth – why do you see it as a next ?

  164.  #164ruth on December 17, 2012 at 2:28 pm

    Its almost bed time in the UK

    that feels like a good thing right now

    night ladies

  165.  #165Femininewoman on December 17, 2012 at 2:28 pm

    “I want to communicate openly abd lovingly”

    Daria I say, please do.

  166.  #166GlowStix on December 17, 2012 at 2:29 pm

    Bahahaha @ 150

    I was so not taking you in such a literal way ๐Ÿ˜‰ I stand corrected. I suppose if you look at it that way, I AM on the “gaining and draining” trian. Toot toot

  167.  #167ruth on December 17, 2012 at 2:29 pm

    Daria, if he isnt meeting your needs sexually, then, you move on to the next CD, no?
    You seem to have plenty to choose from

  168.  #168Dominique on December 17, 2012 at 2:30 pm

    I only just started reading and feel compelled to chime in here. First of all I prefer to see sex as a vehicle for me to go deeper within myself on all levels as well as connect more profoundly with K.

    Secondly, men and women are wired differently around this. For the most part, men like to look, and women like to be looked at. Men mostly like to touch, and women mostly like to be touched.

    And this is what is going on predominately during sex. So men get their greatest pleasure NOT by you doing whatever for them but by them being able to release great pleasure in you. The more pleasure you feel, the better they feel, and that they’ve created this for you…not much is better than this if anything.


  169.  #169Daria on December 17, 2012 at 2:32 pm

    An I get triggered

    I feel so sad


    **Does access consciousness**

    Ohhhh I feel way better

  170.  #170Luzydel on December 17, 2012 at 2:32 pm

    Mercedes; I got all defensive and said “have a nice life”

    then he said What? sometimes you say some weird Sh8t? What do you mean?


    I do these passive aggressive things some times; Now I catch myself doing them, and I step back. Before I was the queen of passive aggressiveness.

  171.  #171Starla on December 17, 2012 at 2:33 pm

    daria, it’s all good. please do carry on and enjoy the processing:)


    i’ve learned a lot about effective communication, and while it sucks to sit and read/hear things that might trigger us, overall the communication is much more productive and beneficiary if you allow yourself to hear everything, like how rori suggests when a man is triggering us but not being abusive (cuz abusive = walk away), and THEN respond accordingly. To respond to what you think they’re going to say, or to respond to only the first few sentences, kind of robs *everyone* involved of a certain dignity. Though sitting there and listening to abusive words offers no dignity. So it’s about trusting yourself to know when you’re really being abused. Otherwise, you turn into the abuser inadvertently by being too afraid of losing your dignity that you rob the other of theirs in not letting them be heard.

    i’m sending brave vibes your way, sirens.

    and back to myself:)

    yummy brave vibes

    “i will not be triggered or baited. i am pure love” — Starla

  172.  #172ruth on December 17, 2012 at 2:35 pm

    I am supposed to be going to bed so I feel a bit cross but
    I agree
    *up to a point*
    Recntly my man(after quite a ew years) has said to me that he loves to be stroked and have his hair stroked.
    This after several years of saying it was all about my pleasure(which, I will admit, I had trouble with for reasons I wont go into now)
    he LOVES to be touched too

    perhaps other men do too??

    Very tired, not making so much sense, but just wanted to say

  173.  #173Daria on December 17, 2012 at 2:38 pm

    And when I was / am in my masculine needy I like to look, and I like to touch…

    I felt a bit icky, lascivious, guilty abd desperate being in that energy

    No wonder Rori says men feel bad about themselves for their urges like that

    Now I can turn that on to myself, looking at me admiringly, touching me

    I want to practice this more

    Thanks Daria

    I feel intrigued and turned on

    I used to like looking up at the man as aloof and worship object


    I fel so desperate rootless and helpless that way… In a way a diff feminine abandon

    Everything is everything here I am now rooted in my female power w more leverage so to speak

    Learning how to worship me, touch me,

    Oh it feels overwhelming




    This article helped

  174.  #174Luzydel on December 17, 2012 at 2:39 pm

    FW yes other people have told me that; years ago a friend told me the her brother had a crush on me, and that I was kinda “mean” and Ignored him… Truth is I was totally unaware of his intentions. Sometimes I am just in my own little world.

  175.  #175Femininewoman on December 17, 2012 at 2:41 pm

    Luzydel my humble opinion is love your passive aggressive self. I would even look for a way to kinda laught lovingly at her. I believe it will help reduce the pressure/seriousness of changing to being better. Our skeletons can be dressed up into dolls clothes.

  176.  #176Daria on December 17, 2012 at 2:41 pm

    Toot toot!

  177.  #177Starla on December 17, 2012 at 2:43 pm

    i wanted to text QZ about the westboro church thing (LOL! sucks for themmmmmm), but i didn’t.

    it still bothers me that i can’t just text him.

    i hate when i get all conflicted like this, because this energy is more harmful than just leaning forward itself.

    i still feel confused a lot about all this.

    but when in doubt, lean back. works like a charm;)

  178.  #178Daria on December 17, 2012 at 2:43 pm

    Yes opening up the yang has a yin core abd the yin has a yang core so… Men can receive a touch when fully open, women can give a touch when fully open

    I suppose

    Yay D high 5

  179.  #179Femininewoman on December 17, 2012 at 2:43 pm

    Sometimes I am just in my own little world – I believe this is actually great. Just find a way to get into a dancing mood while you are there or thinking of things that make you happy. Even remembering little moments in your head where you were silly and can laugh at yourself.

  180.  #180Tam on December 17, 2012 at 2:44 pm feels confusing, like people actually say ‘use’ is the same thing as ‘abuse’ and it really isn’t, sorry.

  181.  #181Femininewoman on December 17, 2012 at 2:45 pm

    Maybe Tam. I just don’t like the idea of it in relation to human relationships.

  182.  #182Luzydel on December 17, 2012 at 2:46 pm

    @ 168: Dominique

    Well, Besides “D” who loves giving pleasure; other men from my past have been kinda feminine; “S” for example wanted me to be more aggressive and do more things to him, he was like a teenager in bed Bleh!

    Now I know why I am so hung up on “D” ๐Ÿ˜‰

  183.  #183Daria on December 17, 2012 at 2:47 pm

    Ruth – thank you for talking aboit this w me.

    yes and he’s been one of the most giving and consistent and stable and there for me CDs so far. He actually raised the bar on what I require .

    I don’t want to stop seeing him abd maybe I feel afraid to lose all that .

    I know I won’t I’ll get more

    Hmm I can feel my way through this

    No pressure on me

    Not way siding sex

    Not pretending

    I can feel scared and guilty and love my fear and guilt

  184.  #184ruth on December 17, 2012 at 2:48 pm

    Might just be semantice but to me
    receive- accept what is freely given-no expcetations
    use-take what may be on offer but ignore any potential expectation as a result of that
    abuse-take with an intent to harm or hurt

  185.  #185Daria on December 17, 2012 at 2:49 pm

    FW – why? Maybe it could Help you to undo this trigger so you don’t see ‘using’ as bad.

    I don’t suppose you see the other side of the coin ‘helping, offering, or giving’ as bad.

    Perhaps ‘using’ is tied to ‘not appreciating’ in your belief system or tied to ‘dishonesty’

  186.  #186Dominique on December 17, 2012 at 2:50 pm

    Ruth – 172 – Of course I’m talking in generalities, yet I will still say that most men enjoy seeing and feeling us pleasured by them the most. This is the greatest pleasure though certainly not the only one.

    It doesn’t mean they don’t like or want to be touched or stroked or receive a blow job or some other sort of attention from us.


  187.  #187ruth on December 17, 2012 at 2:50 pm

    should also say
    use-take even if not actually offered.Manipulate to get what you want

    Im tired
    will need to think more on this

  188.  #188Mercedes on December 17, 2012 at 2:51 pm

    Luzydel: Based on your comment 170, I’d say it looks like you are healing this. I wonder, if something like that comes out of your mouth before you’ve had a chance to think about (like passive aggressive remarks tend to do), when you catch it, could you apologize? Could you say “I wish I hadn’t said that. I didn’t mean it. I’m working on the part of me that says things I don’t mean but I’m not quite there yet. I’m sorry.”

    Would something like that feel good to you?

    I know for me, I’m working on listening with the intent to understand and not with the intent to respond. I’m not very good at it yet, but when I catch myself responding before they are done speaking, I pause and I apologize. To whoever I’m talking to. I’ve apologized at work and at home and a few times in social settings.

    I really want to change that part of me, but step one is noticing it. Step two is admitting it out loud. Step three is confessing that it is something I do but don’t want to do any longer and step four is apologizing for it.

    I have no idea if that’s what will really heal it, but it is what I’m doing right now to try.

    Much Love,

  189.  #189ruth on December 17, 2012 at 2:53 pm


    ooh well thats good daria


    TY dominique, I just didnt want any men to miss out on the touch thing.I was really surprised when i heard this from mine.he sounded so sad when he said he hadnt really been touched before(I washed his hair after that)

  190.  #190Dominique on December 17, 2012 at 2:54 pm

    Luzydel – 182 – Yep, blech indeed. My ex was one of those, wanted me to stroke/tickle his back for HOURS. It was never enough. What a turn off.


  191.  #191Tam on December 17, 2012 at 2:55 pm

    181…well, the point is it feels kind of strange to me if we say we don’t like reality.. a bit like ‘I don’t like tht the sky is blue’ – makes no sense. It is all part of the whole.

  192.  #192ruth on December 17, 2012 at 2:55 pm

    ooh mercedes thanks

    how to sort out the blurt

    really helpful, thank you

  193.  #193Mercedes on December 17, 2012 at 2:56 pm

    LOL! “how to sort out the blurt” I like that!!! ๐Ÿ™‚

    Much Love,

  194.  #194Dominique on December 17, 2012 at 2:57 pm

    Ruth – I hear you on the semantics. Words can be important and their subtle or not so subtle meanings can be interpreted and misinterpreted which is what I think is going on here.

    I don’t like the word “use” myself when used in this context, yet I also think I know what Rori was getting at in her response to Beth which was already talked about.


  195.  #195ruth on December 17, 2012 at 3:00 pm


    yes quite right dominique

    we do all have different interpretations
    and mine will be RIGHT off now as i feel gelatinous with fatigue
    Ive had quite a week, what with two maras and the rest
    Really must do the sensible thing and go to bed

  196.  #196Daria on December 17, 2012 at 3:01 pm

    If I receive abd there’s potential expectations flyer perhaps I will feel
    Uncomfortable or unsafe receiving

    If I am able to receive abd there is communication about expectations I can ( and will have to ) deal with it then

    The root of the expectations is the issue abd it can be healed or else come up as a deal breaker

    I am not responsible for others expectations, but they can mess up that persons vibe making it uncomfortable for me to open up and receive

    I feel a little sadness as there are ways I’m not being seen or honored when there’s expectations of me

    If I receive there may be sadness for me and guilt which is a cover for fear, I fear I will be blamed

    And it might be, the expectant person can have reason tp blame me now for their expectations

    So that shows the issue in the relationship dynamic

    Iw there’s ‘issues’ w this person it’s not safe to receive from them move away


    Good to see the issuesits ok ti address this and talk about it

    I want to feel safe to receive

    I can open up w anyone and assume they’re safe and if they show expectation s after I’ll know they’re not

    Ok that feels a bit like relief

    I feel a little sad

    Hmm I feel like a shift

  197.  #197Luzydel on December 17, 2012 at 3:01 pm

    Yeah Mercedes I did apologize; I said I was feeling worried and tense and need time to relax. Sorry…

    He said “OK” lol we both are like two kids… he is a Leo and I am an Aries, our “fights” last 2 seconds…

    I just want to get my period yesterday! ugh! then I wil go to clinic and get the “Essure procedure”

  198.  #198Dominique on December 17, 2012 at 3:02 pm

    Tam – Actually the sky is not blue, and I’m saying this totally to lighten the mood and not as as anything negative. I find it amusing that we have expressions such as these which technically are false. The sky reflects the blue end of the color spectrum back to earth to be viewed by our cones and rods in the eye and recorded by our brains as blue. Or something like this. Any scientists please feel free to correct my rudimentary knowledge about optics.


  199.  #199Mercedes on December 17, 2012 at 3:04 pm

    Luzydel: LOL! I’m an Aries too…it can be very noticeable sometimes….haha!

    Much Love,

  200.  #200Daria on December 17, 2012 at 3:04 pm

    If I don’t address my fears ‘of his expectations’ then I will address then later

    It’s okay

    M I being dishonest ?


    Of abandonment ?

    Of ‘not getting’ ?

    I feel a lil uncomfortable

    If I felt worthy I would assume no expectations on his part

    That he benefits from being used.

    Of course he does !

  201.  #201Daria on December 17, 2012 at 3:07 pm

    ‘The sky reflects the blue end of the color spectrum back to earth to be viewed by our cones and rods in the eye and recorded by our brains as blue. Or something like this. Any scientists please feel free to correct my rudimentary knowledge about optics.’

    Or that could be total bullshit based on what another man or woman said.

    The sky i can sense w my eyes Os blue sometimes, or pink or gray or black or purple or orange .

  202.  #202Daria on December 17, 2012 at 3:11 pm

    Well for me I do have triggers around the word used so seeing it used (haha) in this article liberated me to really use my men more directly for my pleasure which I had been holding back on for fear ( probably pot of my triggers around ‘using” as a part of that)

    But now I feel freed from that and empowered abd about to have an amazing sex life !

    And I think my men will like it, maybe not all, they’ll drop off and the ones who do like it will…

  203.  #203Daria on December 17, 2012 at 3:13 pm

    I now feel comfortable for men to pick me up from other men’s houses. Thanks to practice w tman and Znanny Cd.

    Now I want to get comfortable getting picked up from actual CDs… Not them seeing each other but my vibe while arranging it I am practicing not shutting down

    Yay babysteps

  204.  #204Daria on December 17, 2012 at 3:13 pm

    Im such a gift to the world .

  205.  #205Luzydel on December 17, 2012 at 3:14 pm

    My fear is being prego and even though I am pro choice and like the option of abortion; I may want to keep the little monster, because I love kids. I had my son in early 20’s and thought my ex and I will be it, but no it wasn’t. Now my son is 14 and I don’t want to start over again, and I don’t know if “D” is the one…

    Not because I am not open to make him my “one” but because his pulling back and forth makes me feel like maybe he is not my one. So Since he is nice to me besides his ambiguity, I keep him around, but go on platonic dates with others.

    I just feel scared…

  206.  #206GlowStix on December 17, 2012 at 3:25 pm

    Yes. The colour of the sky adjusts according to many facetors. All boils down to perception in the end. And is’t that poignant…

  207.  #207GlowStix on December 17, 2012 at 3:26 pm


  208.  #208Daria on December 17, 2012 at 3:27 pm

    Oops this convo w my mom felt tense

    Guess were not reorganizing the closet after all.

    I feel scared my stuff will get messed with.

    I have an accumulation of medical stuff there I care about

  209.  #209Daria on December 17, 2012 at 3:28 pm

    I feel terrified

    I feel angry

    I feel sad

    I feel blamy towards others

  210.  #210Starla on December 17, 2012 at 3:32 pm

    i didn’t respond to this guy’s fb messages cuz i was busy

    then he said “lame!”

    b*tch, yo mama’s lame and you don’t hear me complaining. get out of here.

  211.  #211Daria on December 17, 2012 at 3:35 pm

    I’m feeling unsafe here now… Uhoh

    I feel tingly


    Making noise to drown out discussions complaining about me
    Danger !

    I may be attacked in the house

    Tummy lurch

    Tingles on back

    I may have to get out quickly in the cold

    I’m feeling panicked

    Tingly arm and tired


    ‘dad doesn’t like me’


    Thank you Daria

    Wow how interesting, I feel that ‘flush down’ feeling


    Wow that felt cool to notice myself feeling

    Now I feel sad a bit on face

    ***access consciousness

    I feel sad my mom and I are now upset

    I don’t know how to create connection and togetherness
    I want that
    Pull back dont go forward to give and take care of me..,

  212.  #212Daria on December 17, 2012 at 3:36 pm

    I feel so angry being told to do stuff by myself ‘like I’m a servant’. I want to heal this

    Growing up I resented my mom for treating me like her servant

  213.  #213Annie on December 17, 2012 at 3:41 pm

    Thank you Dominique re bracelet.

  214.  #214Daria on December 17, 2012 at 3:43 pm

    ‘mom this doesn’t feel honest. I can tell you’re upset. This feels bad to me. I feel sad being walked away from.

    I feel guilty you felt bad.

    I feel angry how stiff is made my responsibility
    And I have to deal with moods and people treating me bad ignoring me walking Way from me telling me things aren’t wrong when there’s a disconncect I feel pist and I feel so resentful of having tolerated that si many times.

    And I feel overwhelmed now and sad and hopeless

    ” I never get the love I want ”

    How interesting

    I want to heal this

    My other eyeball feels like exploding now

  215.  #215Starla on December 17, 2012 at 3:47 pm

    hugs to everyone who needs it right now:)

  216.  #216Daria on December 17, 2012 at 3:48 pm

    This Access Consciousness feels super calming

  217.  #217Daria on December 17, 2012 at 3:48 pm

    Thanks Starla ๐Ÿ™‚


  218.  #218Annie on December 17, 2012 at 3:50 pm

    Mercedes I so get you re this thread.

    What feels disturbing to me is the Biology issue has not been addressed.

    When we sleep with a man we produce oxytocin which bonds us to our partners the same as when we breastfeed our babies. We get bonded and attached.
    This is how we can end us with a bad toxic man for us.
    Beth is even now aware of this.
    Well done Beth for becoming aware and take 100% responsibility for stopping harming yourself in the way you have in the past.
    If a soul connection with a good man is what Beth wants then get that connection first BEFORE sex and both then make a spiritual conscious choice before choosing to be in a loving realtionship with sex, rather than friends with benefits casual sex.

    I feel saddened by this Advice like you Mercedes. ๐Ÿ™

  219.  #219Daria on December 17, 2012 at 3:53 pm

    This ‘Blinking’ head disconnected from body slow motion perspective is what I get whe I feel wootied of being physically attacked

    I was just talking about it

    How interesting

  220.  #220Daria on December 17, 2012 at 3:54 pm

    It feels numb… And calculating /strategizing

    The voice in my head feels like its got my back and is planning out how to handle this for me

    My chest feels a bit caving in now

  221.  #221Starla on December 17, 2012 at 3:55 pm

    it just hit me

    i am the kind of person who will feel compelled to show love and get involved with someone’s life one way or another, even if i can objectively say (or my friends can…) that they’ve ‘wronged me.’ i will try to be a stonewall, but i can’t, because i love them.

    i never noticed this about myself explicitly before

    and i feel proud to have this quality

    i’d rather love and lose or ‘be the fool’ than be a doormat

    i feel so good loving

    i just follow my heart

    i forgive myself for judging me for all these years as a loser, when really, i’m just full of bunches of love

    ohhh i feel so good right now

  222.  #222Daria on December 17, 2012 at 3:56 pm

    Ladies you can get oxytocin without sex

    You can get strongly oxytocin bonded without sex

    It’s ok to get strongly oxytocin filled

    When this is natural and aware for a woman then she can care for herself and get ocytocined all the time

  223.  #223Annie on December 17, 2012 at 3:58 pm

    144: Femininewoman says:

    “Starla and Mercedes your words above resonate with me. I donโ€™t like the idea of โ€œusingโ€ anyone especially with something so sweet and precious. I see sex as a sacred act because it can create such happiness in a personโ€™s life and such oneness with another human spirit. I also donโ€™t like be painted with a broad brush of shut down or triggered.”


    It is a spiritual act to me.

  224.  #224Daria on December 17, 2012 at 3:59 pm

    I’m feeling impatient and frustrated… How interesting !

    I’m feeling numb

    I’m fding relaxing

    I feel sad and scared being here

    I want to run away

  225.  #225Annie on December 17, 2012 at 4:01 pm

    I feel curious about that Daria.

    Breast feeding does this as does orgasm.

    What else does this in your opinion?

    And If I have sex with a man and orgasm with him I will become attached and bonded.
    And I personally do not want to get attached and bonded to a man who is not my conscious soul match.
    And it appears neither does Beth anymore.

  226.  #226Annie on December 17, 2012 at 4:04 pm

    If other people want casual sex and to become bonded and attached or have fun sex that is none of my business and each to their own.

    What I do not like about this thread is that Beth wanted to get away from doing that.

  227.  #227Mercedes on December 17, 2012 at 4:05 pm

    Thank you Annie. I hear you too about bonding. It is spiritual for me as well though it wasn’t always.

    Much Love,

  228.  #228Daria on December 17, 2012 at 4:05 pm

    Yay I’m the sacred receiving woman who is so sacred she receives and uses men as they wish to be used. One of the ones who DARES seeing the innocence in the receiving abd taking honoring that which those who don’t understand spit upon and fear.

    I honor my beautiful spirit self my sacred joy

    I feel so safe w the idea of it bringing joy into my life and that of those with me

    I love the oneness of spirit in dance where I’m using abd he’s being used oh honor and joy of feminine and masculine thank you

    For loving and honoring me

    I’m spirit in every movement every breath

    Every melted stone

  229.  #229Starla on December 17, 2012 at 4:06 pm

    “Itโ€™s ok to get strongly oxytocin filled”


    goes along with reminding myself it’s okay to love

    i don’t want to judge myself for loving OR for getting oxytocinized.


    ok off to the hair salon byeeeee

  230.  #230Annie on December 17, 2012 at 4:07 pm

    And have something different.
    She had become aware that what she was doing wasn’t serving her.
    And it appears to me that awareness was dismissed.

  231.  #231Daria on December 17, 2012 at 4:09 pm

    When one is spirit always there is no casual

    I feel so not understood how frightening and distant that feels

    I can handle this feelings of vastness

    When one is oxytocin producing in their own there is no fear of bonding

    I’m an oxytocin fountain

    When one is dry and a man makes us spurt and we don’t know how to make ourselves flow, it might bring desperate bonding to him, when in fact were capable of ever flowing water

    20 second hugs give oxytocin bursts

    I’ll have one

    I feel detached still

    I love nu detachment

  232.  #232Annie on December 17, 2012 at 4:10 pm

    222: Daria says:

    “Ladies you can get oxytocin without sex

    You can get strongly oxytocin bonded without sex”

    Like I said Daria the only other way I know is breastfeeding.

    What other ways do you believe you are able to produce oxytocin with another person involved?

  233.  #233Annie on December 17, 2012 at 4:12 pm

    Also Daria I hear you that you believe it is ok for you and totally respect that is right for you.

    Myself, Mercedes and it would also appear Beth do not believe it is ok for us. We are not you.

  234.  #234Daria on December 17, 2012 at 4:14 pm

    Annie – a 20 send hug produces it. I start counting hugging my mom, I can feel it as a small release sigh in my chest around 20 sec if I’m not in my head. It’s like a heart sigh expansion.

    It’s something we can do all the time, get ocytocined.

    Sometimes I feel it that ‘beaming’ feeling when I’m cared for

    Rubbing our breasts lightly in circles gets it produced…

    It’s fun to track it

  235.  #235Annie on December 17, 2012 at 4:14 pm

    I’m with Orna and Mathew Walters on this one.

  236.  #236Daria on December 17, 2012 at 4:17 pm

    Annie – don’t know what you’re taking about as far as it being ok, but I get the impression I’m not understood.

    I don’t believe there is such thing as casual sec for me, as I’m a spiritual person spiritually engaging in my life almost every moment (when I’m aware of myself)

  237.  #237Daria on December 17, 2012 at 4:21 pm

    Annie – did you see my post on what produces oxytocin ?

    It’s being produced by us all the time. A good google search seeking that out might feel fun and give a better perspective of us

    I believe that much of Roris work – the being in feminine energy – is oxytocin producing. Kind of inducing in us a state of being consistently turned on, and ocytocined…

    The ‘open heart’ feeling is a dose of oxytocin right there…

    When one sees that they’re always producing oxytocin as they go about their lives, there may be less worry about it happening with a man, as it’s something familiar and comfortable

  238.  #238Annie on December 17, 2012 at 4:23 pm

    Daria I have not read any evidence about ocytocin being produced in the ways you say.

    Have you any links.
    The only way i know is by breastfeeding, uterine contractions during childbirth and orgasm.

    Re casual sex. Not in a committed relationship. So fun sex no strings attached etc.

  239.  #239Annie on December 17, 2012 at 4:27 pm

    If that is what you believe that is what you believe Daria.

    I do not share your belief.
    So feels best to agree to disagree with you on that one then.

    Feel happy to read any scientific links you have and an open to changing my beliefs in the future with evidence that backs it up.

  240.  #240Daria on December 17, 2012 at 4:32 pm

    Oxytocin is not something to fear

    It’s a wonderful hormone that we women can learn to produce consistently on our own, making us able to be turned on with abd around anyone abd making the world a soft cuddly lovely place

    The issue is when we don’t know how to produce it on our own, have it produced with a man, and think he’s the only way to produce it

    That is what sux, especially since we’re not seeing then the thousand other ways we can learn to produce it ourselves

    I think getting good at handling this oxytocin is part of a woman’s work of knowing herself in this lifetime

  241.  #241Dominique on December 17, 2012 at 4:33 pm

    Annie – 218 – Though I mostly agree on what you say here, I don’t know that you need to establish a soul connection first before sex. Sometimes this knowing doesn’t occur until you have sex. AND you can create this at the same time as having sex.

    I do think most here would want to be some kind of special knowing whether you want to call it intuition or something else, and yes this can easily be confused when oxytocin has been strongly released.

    Awareness around all of this is key. Everything being learned here and elsewhere. And sure you can still be wrong, but I would rather risk having my heart bruised than wait around for something I may not know for sure feels like.


  242.  #242Daria on December 17, 2012 at 4:36 pm

    Annie – please look for your own evidence and of course there is lots. The twenty second hug is most certainly from an online article about a study conclusion.

    I’m sure some attentive google research will reveal a broader picture of oxytocins common occurrence in our lives.

  243.  #243Daria on December 17, 2012 at 4:44 pm

    ‘casual’ feels disrespectful to me when directed to describe my experiences.

    Experiences outside of an agreed commitment are not by definition casual.

    Casual is like, that’s just casual, it just happens because the Case may be the Occasion and it’s just happened to be’ due to circumstance and pretty much implies


    There is an implication of non spiritual

    This is what feels so annoying to me, the idea that sex for me is not spiritual Smh

    That fuchked up honestly

    I don’t like that declared about me

    There’s lots of people having made a commitment agreement having sex they don’t see as sacred

    For me I’m sacred.

    My sex is sacred and my pee and shit are sacred

    And that is Real Talk


    when I pee I honor God

    How could I imagine my sex is un spiritual ?


    Quit trying to make it sound like my sexuality is less sacred than another’s

  244.  #244Daria on December 17, 2012 at 4:50 pm

    Access Consciousness

    Ok I feel better a bit

    My sex is sacred that’s why I will use it w awareness to pleasure abd home me and my goddess self

    Whatever circumstance or occurrence and even if others call it ‘casual’ and they don’t get it or see my soul I am still having a sacred soul experience and drawing them towards having theirs too

  245.  #245Daria on December 17, 2012 at 4:51 pm

    How interesting… I feel angry… And I feel tight in my tummy

    I can handle feeling this

  246.  #246Daria on December 17, 2012 at 4:56 pm


    Cuz it is the ‘case’

    In this ‘case’


    If the case comes up

    Also implies ‘unimportant’


    What is the significance?

    That what you choose

    Choose it to be sacred

    Sacred nourishing of my sexuality

    You don’t have to believe any of that stuff about yourself

    Why am I having sex ?

    I choose

    To pleasure nourish and open up myself, always

  247.  #247Daria on December 17, 2012 at 5:00 pm

    They won’t listen to me mommie!

    Bug hugs

    That must feel bad

    I’m here for you

    I feel sad

    It felt scary


  248.  #248Daria on December 17, 2012 at 5:01 pm

    Sorry for arguing here !

    Thanks everyone for being here !

  249.  #249Senior Lady Vibe on December 17, 2012 at 5:09 pm

    @232: Annie says:
    “..What other ways do you believe you are able to produce oxytocin with another person involved?…”

    It can totally be done in the brain using the mind. Some women become very attached even in imaginary relationships.


  250.  #250Luzydel on December 17, 2012 at 5:20 pm

    I have gotten hooked on oxytocin just by kissing… Can’t blame him he was a good kisser ๐Ÿ˜‰

  251.  #251Luzydel on December 17, 2012 at 5:24 pm

    I remember a while ago having sex with a guy that well kinda wrote short stories (lol); he was very sweet and I could have fallen in love with him if we didn’t have sex after a few dates; now I am glad I did; being with a guy who c*m too fast is a big turn off.

  252.  #252Daria on December 17, 2012 at 5:29 pm

    I’ve gotten hooked on oxytocin even without kissing.

    It happened when he picked me up off the floor…

    Has it ever happened to me without touching ?aynr could thru phone or Skype…,

  253.  #253Luzydel on December 17, 2012 at 5:34 pm

    243: Daria

    I like this;

    because I don’t like to feel that when I have sex with a man when I decide to do so as casual because there is no “commitment”; I love making love, I can be without if for months or years, but when I have it I want to feel it is close to heaven, even if the guy never calls again, or ends up breaking my heart. I want to feel I am receiving and giving something spiritual.

    If I have to remember a man and want to remember him for this; for his ability to bring me close to heaven with sex.

  254.  #254Daria on December 17, 2012 at 5:48 pm

    Haha I just got the short ‘stories’ reference ๐Ÿ™‚

  255.  #255Daria on December 17, 2012 at 5:50 pm

    Luzydel – yay I feel got ๐Ÿ™‚ thank you for sharing …I relate… And I feel even more inspired ah I feel like my heart is stretching in a surprising way

  256.  #256Annie on December 17, 2012 at 6:30 pm

    Each to their own.
    What I want now is what feels right for me at this moment in time
    What others want now is where they are at and is right for them at this moment in time.

    I now only want to have sex/make love in a loving committed realtionship once we have gotten to know each other with a man who has proven consistently with his actions that he cares about my heart and soul and who is compatible with me re child rearing, consciousness, and other issues that are deal breakers to me. My conscious soul partner.

    I want to know the man and him me and make a healthy conscious aware choice before I get hormonally bonded and attached to him.
    I don’t want my body used for sex like an object or to use another persons body for instant gratification based on unhealthy faulty chemistry. I am an all or nothing girl, there needs to be a conscious meeting of minds hearts and souls for me before I share my love and body.

  257.  #257GlowStix on December 17, 2012 at 6:32 pm

    Oxytocin does not control me! Yay! And yet I can feel bonded this way with the universe. Mmmm I am completely love bonded with the universe. And my necklace. Not really a man…Not just from having sex.I know that up and down. There is way more than sex in love bonding, for me. And I can experience the low withdrawl and not be freaked by that. I can allow my body to feel and that’s ok.

  258.  #258Miss Bells on December 17, 2012 at 6:36 pm

    Completely different subject:
    I put the F-ing profiles back on OKC and POF. Not Match–I ain’t gonna PAY for abuse.

    What is the deal with contacting men there, Do I always HAVE to wait till they write me/

    I will NOT “wink” or whatever it is on those sites.

    Is it OK to send a note saying “Nice photo with the sax” or whatever–just a random small compliment?

    That doesn’t seem the same as asking them out–more like locking eyes for 5 seconds than looking away.

  259.  #259sunshine on December 17, 2012 at 6:37 pm

    I feel good about feeling my feelings i thank Rori and some therapy for that and feel greatful. I also feel worried and concerned about other tips like circular dating and practicing (using) men concepts….has anyone here and i mean anyone been able to get married after following Rori’s circular dating tips and no boyfriend rule? I feel worried because I see a lot of females on here who are here often for the past like four years talking about who they just met, and nicknames of new guys they are dating. I am also one of them but Im beginning to feel scared, is this the result of circular dating? constant practicing, no husband? I feel scared in my stomach.

  260.  #260sunshine on December 17, 2012 at 6:39 pm

    cold regular dating, boyfriend, fiance, then husband traditional timeline actually be common for a reason? could circular dating be sedusing because I feel like im in control but really its just a bunch of rotating like clothes in a washer and a lot of nothing???

  261.  #261Annie on December 17, 2012 at 6:40 pm

    241: Dominique says:

    “Annie โ€“ 218 โ€“ Though I mostly agree on what you say here, I donโ€™t know that you need to establish a soul connection first before sex”

    I don’t know if you do or not either Dominique.

    I only know I do now


    Like I said each to their own.

  262.  #262Miss Bells on December 17, 2012 at 6:41 pm

    My perception is a shortage of grown up men. Makes it hard. I am still here because I have been thrashing it out with ONE man, and at the moment it is OFF again. Not the fault of Rori’s advice.

  263.  #263sunshine on December 17, 2012 at 6:44 pm

    I feel bad i dont want to insult Rori. I just feel really really confused. I practiced my feelings with Peru man ill call him, and even though I had a negative whisper telling me i was dramatic even though I followed Rori about feelings to the T no judging all about me and healing, I dont regret that practice it was fantastic to my self growth. I just wonder whats happening here I dont see any testimonies of “girls I just got proposed to by one of my circular daters” …I wish I saw that sometime!! I feel frustrated

  264.  #264Miss Bells on December 17, 2012 at 6:49 pm

    I have been reading a book called the Jane Austin Guide to Happily Ever After. In Jan Austin’s time they didn’t “date” at all, but what they did was close to circular dating. The woman was charming and accepted the attentions of the man as they were given. The man had to be careful not to pay TOO MUCH attention to a particular woman, because if he did that was considered a SIGN that he was considering her as a possible wife.
    Nothing was spelled out, but there were ways of discerning intentions. A man who PRETENDED to have serious intentions but did not was considered a scoundrel and could be ostracized from polite society. It is a very good manual on CD-ing.

  265.  #265sunshine on December 17, 2012 at 6:50 pm

    Miss bells come to think of it commiting to one guy whole heartedly doesnt work so you have a point. And Ive noticed the “giving” masculine energy girls with super commitment to their confused boyfriends leads to no marriage or a semi forced, semi “i love you but not in love with you, care enough not to hurt your investment” marriages-egh that sucks! so yeah the alternative doesnt feel promising either. I dont know i just want to throw my hands in the air. Maybe i feel scared to c date its so different to me, I even have trouble dating more than one guy even after a first date, I feel like im “potential cheating.” ladies please understand me I am judging only becaues i judge myself, I feel confused as to what my approach is for 2013. commiting to a guy hasnt worked anyway sigh…

  266.  #266Annie on December 17, 2012 at 6:53 pm

    Of course I can produce oxytocin on my own I said that all along I am able to give myself intense uterine contractions and orgasms no problem there.
    Also no problem If I decided to share mutual masturbation, me pleasuring myself and him pleasuring himself and making out with a man If I wanted in the getting to know each other stage.

    The hormonal attachment and bonding and problems would occur for me with full penetrative sex and orgasms from that.

  267.  #267Miss Bells on December 17, 2012 at 6:53 pm

    Certainly we MUST NOT COMMIT BEFORE THEY DO. When the right guy commits to US, it all works the way it should. It takes patience. Our modern sexual mores do complicate things, but the underlying story is the same as it ever was. That is how a woman that has been dead for over two hundred years can give good advice.

  268.  #268Miss Bells on December 17, 2012 at 6:55 pm

    Sunshine–what stage of life are you in? There are major differences here between age groups.
    Are you fairly young?
    I’m an old broad myself…

  269.  #269sunshine on December 17, 2012 at 6:59 pm

    i also am afraid of all these sex issues. i feel angry that birth control is unhealthy and changes your body, and yet men dont have to. i feel angry that after sex, theres potential for a disease. i feel angry that if i have sex I could possibly be less attractive and he’ll want the next thing, I hate this. I feel angry that if i dont have sex, hell feel frustrated and…want the next thing as well. i feel angry that theres all these std’s to worry about i want to say that its too much to gamble and to stomp on sex and crush it with my high heel stilleto. I feel angry at my ex because he didnt take my v from me but its like it didnt matter i went the farthest ive ever gotten including being touched, gotten “down’ on and I touched his. Then hes too busy and his schedule is too full to stay as my bfriend. I feel angry. and I also miss him and i feel confused.. I cant figure out if it was all just to see how far hed go, or if he really had feelings like he said he did. could my grandma’s old school advise be true? ” its very very hard to get a man to marry you after sex, dont take my word for it just ovserve all the examples around”…and thats that i didnt even go all the way wow…

  270.  #270sunshine on December 17, 2012 at 7:03 pm

    i cant figure out if he dropped me because he thought i was loose even though there wasnt sexual intercourse although there was a lot of other things. or if he dropped me because i was not loose enough? too uptight? i dont even know what spectrum im in i dont know anything right now. I feel so angry at him, and then he call two weeks later asking for better closure because it was all text messages. It like i broke up all over again, and i told him how much all this hurt me. He said we can be friends and then said he still has feelings for me. I feel so angry i told him NO.

  271.  #271GlowStix on December 17, 2012 at 7:09 pm

    I can’t touch on your side of the subject, sunshine. Just my own view… I seek deep love and bonding. Daily devotions for life. The creation of a family. Not a wedding or a ring. I have what I need with the man I am with. When the time comes that a ring and a proposal come up for me again…I will let you all know how I feel at that time.

  272.  #272sunshine on December 17, 2012 at 7:14 pm

    Miss Bells, Im 29. I feel so embarrassed right now talking about my ‘first boyfriend’ at freakin 29 but I had to go to some intense therapy i have gone through some tough history/childhood, first crush disasters, and confidence issues. i told myself whoa im gonna turn 30 i gotta get the first boyfriend in soon. hmmm i kind of wonder that because i never did (atleast an official one) i felt like i had to in order to explore Rori’s circular dating. its like i knew there was a chance it wouldnt work but i wanted to go through it and get that teenager experience in that i never did. but then i thought maybe it will, i really felt attracted to him. at first a dream guy, after some sexual practice he became toxic. Im not sure if i created that dynamic or if it was his doing. I feel determined to know everything and want explanations, but i feel i gotta just let it go. I feel frustrated when i go through something and not understand it because then i feel scared that it will happen again until i know everything:( but i wont.

  273.  #273Annie on December 17, 2012 at 7:15 pm

    Re casual sex I feel only able to go by how the dictionary defines it which is the general consensus.
    As any other definition makes no sense whatsoever to me.

  274.  #274GlowStix on December 17, 2012 at 7:18 pm

    I have been through that whole “way” of doing it. Sh1t just gets lost in the abyss. That huge gap between now, and wedding day, and the blank canvas beyond it can become anything…If you are unaware. If or when we get married it will be just another jewel to fit into the sparkling tapestry of my life. Not something I will do whatever it takes to achieve. Not something I feel much about, anymore, one way or the other.


    Thank you for this opportunity to touch upon this facet of my life, and see what it looks like today.

  275.  #275Emerson on December 17, 2012 at 7:19 pm

    Honestly I skipped over this article and went ro comments, after the first few paragraphs….I felt it was hard to read and I didn’t really feel compelled to follow the process ..
    I guess I don’t “get it” and the blog has a catty feeling to it…ick

  276.  #276Annie on December 17, 2012 at 7:23 pm

    When people assert things but then when challenged on that assertion for evidence to back up that assertion and claim fail to do so It feels very difficult to take what they say seriously as I feel unable then to see any tangible substance behind what they assert. mmmm.

    Oh well it is what it is.

  277.  #277Luzydel on December 17, 2012 at 7:25 pm

    Annie it is your vagina; do whatever you want with it lol

  278.  #278sunshine on December 17, 2012 at 7:25 pm

    part of me even questions if im all about marriage. I dont know, i like my independance my own room, own space, own plans. however when i think about being with someone it feels nice. Just my own religious views but I guess if God likes marriage because he doesnt want anyone to be alone, then its gotta be a good thing. I love God he is only love and greatness, he wants the best. I believe if God wants love for me than I bet its great, i feel its gotta be great even if it means i wont have my safe space. I bet in the meantime I will just have faith it will, I dont want sex with more than one theres too much scary stuff out there, broken hearts, broken condoms, std’s uh uh no thanks… i feel like a prude and I like it :p I feel strong and fiery, like I can turn my back to what i dont like

  279.  #279Emerson on December 17, 2012 at 7:25 pm

    268 miss bells I feel ick and eww reading ..”I’m an old broad myself ”
    It sounds masculine and self depreciating.
    I feel a grimace on my face as I read it….

  280.  #280shortlittlelady on December 17, 2012 at 7:26 pm

    I feel so proud of myself right now that I know I’m glowing from the inside out. I feel mushy and scared and excited all at once because of the events of today.

    I have been coming to roris blog for help for awhile now but this is the first time I’ve felt compelled to share myself.

    First, I’m a 28 year old single mother who recently left a relationship with a man who I did not know how to communicate even my very basic needs to. At the end I realized that I didn’t even enjoy him as a friend anymore so it ended.

    I am finding my way through cding slowly but surely because I feel ready to put myself out into the world again and with help from this blog I feel as if for the first time in my life I am finding out who this mysterious and wonderful women is that’s inside of me. I’ve unzippered my heart and with it has come all kinds of new feelings, emotions, sensations and yes, triggers.

    this last weekend I became triggered. I have been seeing a man,let’s call him LH for a couple of weeks and since I am putting roris tools to work for the first time in a relationship I feel excited and scared but its a good kind of scared. My trigger is sex and feeling as if I have to pick up the ball and I majorly overfunction. I was feeling very lonely, and sick, and just down in the dumps sat and I made the mistake of initiating in a drama txt session with LH. It did not make me feel good to do this. I felt downright icky but he handled it well.

    I think my trigger was that I have been chasing this last week and I can feel him pulling away from it and it scared me so today instead of continuing something that was making me feel iccky I just made myself felt so good to stop. Scary yes, but wonderful.

    Instead of messaging him to keep the ball rolling I just went silent unless he initiated contact and said something that made me feel. I’ve been doing great with my feeling messages and with sinking into my emotions instead of stuffing like I’ve done my whole life.

    LH picked up the ball and his last message for the night left me happy, and feeling light and airy and desired. It made me feel that as scary as trying something new is, the end result of these tools makes me feel fantastic and builds on my self pride. Oh and being called sweetheart by a man makes me feel like melting into a pile or goo and i actually told him how it made me feel. He started crashing his boat all over the place!!!

    Oh and btw Ialso told him that I didn’t feel comfortable bbeing exclusive with a man until a serious offer of marriage was on the table and I have been slowly meeting men who I am able to figure out pretty quickly whether or not they should be in my rotation since I’m paying more attention to how I feel instead of how I make them feel.

    I feel perfect. I feel powerful.

  281.  #281Annie on December 17, 2012 at 7:28 pm

    It feels disappointing when I felt open to learning more to see and understandd where others form their beliefs and perceptions from.

  282.  #282Annie on December 17, 2012 at 7:29 pm

    lol, luzydel you too as I said each to their own.

  283.  #283Annie on December 17, 2012 at 7:30 pm

    What is right for you is right for you and visaversa

  284.  #284sunshine on December 17, 2012 at 7:31 pm

    Annie sorry i feel confused did i offend you? im not sure or if its someone else you mean, if so i feel very curious what is going on and what i said that triggered

  285.  #285Annie on December 17, 2012 at 7:36 pm


    It feels good to hear your story.

  286.  #286Annie on December 17, 2012 at 7:36 pm


  287.  #287Annie on December 17, 2012 at 7:38 pm

    Sunshine I do not feel offended by anyone.

  288.  #288GlowStix on December 17, 2012 at 7:39 pm

    Sunshine, You sound good in your processing. Keep up your beleifs and boundaries and keep growing and feeling and you will eventually learn what’s right for you! And age is just a number to feel rushed about. When you feel fully ready you can have all you desire ๐Ÿ™‚

  289.  #289GlowStix on December 17, 2012 at 7:40 pm


    You look aware and inspiring! ๐Ÿ™‚ Welcome to posting!

  290.  #290sunshine on December 17, 2012 at 7:53 pm

    thanks Glow stix that feels nice and good and encouraging:)

    i feel good right now like i have some of my energy, I just want to say I love christmas lights theyre beautiful. Their sweet and the glow of each color is powerful, I feel like christmas lights feel nice and warm and full of colors i love their power both as a kid and also now.

  291.  #291Annie on December 17, 2012 at 7:59 pm

    Aw that’s lovely Sunshine.

  292.  #292Luzydel on December 17, 2012 at 8:02 pm

    I’m going to give you some space; I feel I created some unnecessary drama. I have been reaching out too much and it doesn’t feel good, I don’t feel feminine when I do that. I want to feel wanted as well… The ball is in your court: nite!

  293.  #293Tereana on December 17, 2012 at 8:11 pm

    Sunshine – “like clothes in a washer.” lol

    I haven’t had time to read all your posts, I just loved that image : )

    And maybe that’s what they are –

    Somewhere I believe Rori says that when we circular date, we’re not supposed to be “looking” for our soul mate. One of the guys could turn out to be a good partner. Or we might meet him somewhere else. But CD-ing is about practicing the tools. Maybe it just keeps our heads and hearts clear for the guys who really are the right partners for us…

    Like washing laundry. Keeping it clean. I love it ๐Ÿ™‚

  294.  #294Miss Bells on December 17, 2012 at 8:13 pm

    Back in the day “broad” was a term of admiration, not derision. It may have started as a reference to broad womanly hips (good for child birth, a very dangerous activity.) But is came to mean a formidable woman who owned herself. An equal.
    And I LOVE being old!! At least old-middle. I may not care for the vicissitudes of extreme old age as much. We shall see.

  295.  #295sunshine on December 17, 2012 at 8:16 pm

    haha thanks Teareana!! well ive processed a lot since that comment and i feel loosened up from some bent up feelings…hmmm maybe if i loose a sock its ok, i can always mis match! haha

  296.  #296LoveAlways on December 17, 2012 at 8:16 pm

    I like this article. It was raw truth, raw feeling -reality. I’m having a s3x issue in my new round of circular dating. I’m turning it down. And I’m going to embrace and give in to my feelings, and what I want, and don’t want. I’m going to just BE and open up and enjoy myself. I feel so nervous

  297.  #297Miss Bells on December 17, 2012 at 8:18 pm

    And my partner will be an old dude. I don’t date very far from my age group. No younger than 48 and that is pushing it. To about 63 or 64. Any older and I am afraid I will lose them too soon.

    With HS, I already knew him and had a very old attraction. I didn’t know then what I know now. If i must start over, I’m writing this story MY way.

    P-town is great for gray singles.

  298.  #298LoveAlways on December 17, 2012 at 8:32 pm

    I feel very feminine feeling nervous.

    My boy energy kicks in so quickly these days. It feels good to be in my feminine energy.

    I don’t need to say much when I am in my feminine energy! I realized when I’m doing a whole bunch of talking with a CD it’s my BOY energy talking. My Feminine energy prefers to smile and feel and explore and be touched and soothed with genuine words and feeling. Oh yes, and I love feeling feelings from a CD!!! I evoke shock, anger, tenderness, passion – and I CAN FEEL their feelings. I can only describe it as wow!!

  299.  #299Tereana on December 17, 2012 at 8:37 pm

    Wow, this is crazy. I don’t know if my vibe has shifted or what. I feel about the same. Still processing the dregs of the SYG experience. But not overly so.

    Last night, I attended a CoDA meeting, with a friend who came along. It felt healing and powerful for both of us. And I *still* don’t feel really for a relationship.

    Yet, right about now, all these guys are suddenly telling me how they are still thinking of me. Is it Holiday fever, or what? Lol (and I don’t get the sense that they just want into my pants…this feels different. It feels like it is me they are thinking of, not just my booty. Lol)

  300.  #300LoveAlways on December 17, 2012 at 8:38 pm

    I don’t demand anything from my CDs. I find my own way to get my needs met. The most recent problem has been s3x. There are CDs who want to sleep with me and I feel so many different ways about it. . . but it’s about CHOOSING – and I am afraid of what I would choose. This is a time when I need to go deep into my feelings because I’m not understanding my choice. I feel angry about it, and I feel relieved about it, and I feel longing about it. And my choice makes no sense, but there I go in my head again. I feel I need to feel this honestly and feel it all out and not judge myself. I feel a STOP here. Yes, just STOP and feel. And when I feel, it feels right, even if the feeling is confusing and scary and crazy. I feel crazy, and for once in my life, it feels okay to be so all over the place with my feelings. I feel like I get it now. Don’t think.

  301.  #301Tereana on December 17, 2012 at 8:52 pm

    I’ve decided it’s a good idea (I know this is a “duh” thing, but still…) – it’s a good idea not to just do anything that a guy wants. Like don’t say “yes” just because you like him. Hey, he wouldn’t do that for you. Guys seem to have it easier when I comes to honoring their own boundaries, etc. (or maybe just most guys. Some also have trouble with being “yes men” and run into the same issues as we do when we do it.) but I think for women, it’s more biological, or something. When we like a guy – or at least when I like a guy – it feels so appealing to say yes and do things with him, even if it’s something I wouldn’t do otherwise. I don’t even *realize* that I’m compromising my boundaries and setting myself up to feel resentment. Talk about codependent.

    But awareness is the first step, right?

    The idea of saying no to something because it doesn’t suit me – and not worrying how he feels about it – is a pretty powerful thought. Maybe that’s why my vibe is up? I’ve been compromising a lot less and really looking out for nรบmero uno. So who knows.

    Oh yeah, I’ve also initiated a couple of positive interactions with other former dates. I don’t believe I want to date either of them again, so there is no “angle” to it. But it still feels kind of nice to just have light-hearted conversation – as much as they keep it going. And it’s nice to feel the goodwill. ๐Ÿ™‚

  302.  #302Tereana on December 17, 2012 at 9:10 pm

    Oxytocin is also produced in social settings. That’s why it feels great for me to spend time with other women – one on one, or in groups. I get my oxytocin on, and I don’t need a man to do it for me! : )

  303.  #303Tereana on December 17, 2012 at 9:13 pm

    Oxytocin is a social bonding hormone, and has many functions in humans. The strongest effect is with sex and with breast feeding. But it produced in smaller amounts at many other times. People who have shortages of oxytocin have a lot of difficultly with social relationships – all relationships. Not just romantic. It is very hard for them to function.

  304.  #304Emerson on December 17, 2012 at 9:18 pm

    I’m feeling so triggered …. My dad is treating me poorly and my mom defends it.

  305.  #305MovingMagic on December 17, 2012 at 9:40 pm

    I agree Tereana, men do seem so much more able to honor their boundaries. I’m finding myself feeling so much more comfortable doing the same, & speaking my feelings when I feel them being pushed on. It’s interesting to observe the responses I’m getting now that roles are reversing a bit. A mature person Will either backtrack a bit, honor where I’m at, or apologize. It feels so much lighter this way.

  306.  #306Indigo on December 17, 2012 at 9:47 pm


    I don’t know if this is true for you, re: your assistant not liking the fact that you are getting together with QZ, but I sense the same thing from my family and friends, so I actually for the moment am keeping it hidden from them when I meet up with my ex.

    I don’t know if this is true for you and your assistant, but in my case I sense it is about extreme protectiveness, they saw me being hurt before and don’t want it for me again. I also sense there is an element of believing I am blindly wandering into a situation which is not good for me. I sense possibly they feel that they provided all this support for me when I needed it, and that I am undoing the healing that I did.

    In my case, it feels too difficult to explain the nuances, and I don’t want to feel judged or having to be explainy, but I don’t really like hiding a part of my life from them either.

    I sympathise with having people in your life not being supportive with you re-connecting to an old love.


  307.  #307MovingMagic on December 17, 2012 at 10:06 pm

    Speaking of boundaries, I just had to block a man on my phone. His texts were getting pretty sexual…to the point of creepiness. Boundary set. *Wham* Yay my amazingly, protective, boy energy!

  308.  #308MovingMagic on December 17, 2012 at 10:40 pm

    I’ve had sexual experiences that have brought me to tears. It felt like my heart was bursting open. I own those experiences. They were my own, & brought me so much closer to myself. I’ve had experiences that were much more physical, & at times even animalistic. It depends on the partner. One hasn’t felt less spiritual than the other, but each have honored something spiritual within myself. To me it all feels connected.

  309.  #309Radlove on December 17, 2012 at 11:02 pm

    As recently as Dec 11, R texted, “Please leave me alone. I don’t want you in my life anymore. Please respect that. I will no longer respond to ur messages or answer ur calls. Good bye.”
    That was in response to me saying I will love him eternally. I texted him two reflective texts last night. Two hours later, he texted at midnight, “Hey. Do you want to talk? R U around?”
    I felt thrilled this morning when I woke up to find those texts. I simply texted “Hi” in response, knowing he usually texts at night.
    Finally tonight he started texting me. All thru this I was feeling unsure what to say:
    R: Hey, what’s up?
    B: Hey
    R: What’s up?
    B: Umm good stuff. How r u?
    R: Huh? What do you mean good stuff? I am fine.
    B: Things are going really well.
    R: Nice. Glad to hear it. What’s going on?
    B: I started a business! I like my new house and housemate, too! What’s going on for you?
    B: I don’t get good cell reception here. I have my cell forwarded to my home phone.
    R: Is this a bad time?
    B: No, not at all. Just sometimes texts go thru right away and sometimes they don’t. I’m way out in the country.
    B: that’s why I got a home phone, because I barely get cell phone signal.
    R: Ok. That’s cool. So is text message no good?
    B: It works sometimes and not others…I have no control over it.
    R: Oh. Tell me about ur business, new house and housemate.
    R: Oh
    B: It’s a blogging system
    B: I live on a two acre horse farm with two horses. My housemate is really sweet and easy to get along with.
    R: I guess u r not getting my messages…
    B: Phone would work better.
    R: Oh. Tell me about ur business, new house and housemate.
    B: It’s a blogging system
    B: I live on a two acre horse farm with two horses. My housemate is really sweet and easy to get along with.
    R: Is ur business doing well yet?
    B: I just started at the beginning of December.
    R: Well, I’m glad to hear things r improving 4 u.
    R: Oh
    B: Anything new for you?
    โ€ข That’s it. No response. How am I to perceive this? What should my attitude be? Should I say anything in response? Wouldn’t it have been easier for him to just say, “Hey bitch, I utterly disrespect you!”?

  310.  #310Radlove on December 17, 2012 at 11:02 pm

    As recently as Dec 11, he texted, “Please leave me alone. I don’t want you in my life anymore. Please respect that. I will no longer respond to ur messages or answer ur calls. Good bye.”
    That was in response to me saying I will love him eternally. I texted him two reflective texts last night. Two hours later, he texted at midnight, “Hey. Do you want to talk? R U around?”
    I felt thrilled this morning when I woke up to find those texts. I simply texted “Hi” in response, knowing he usually texts at night.
    Finally tonight he started texting me. All thru this I was feeling unsure what to say:
    R: Hey, what’s up?
    B: Hey
    R: What’s up?
    B: Umm good stuff. How r u?
    R: Huh? What do you mean good stuff? I am fine.
    B: Things are going really well.
    R: Nice. Glad to hear it. What’s going on?
    B: I started a business! I like my new house and housemate, too! What’s going on for you?
    B: I don’t get good cell reception here. I have my cell forwarded to my home phone.
    R: Is this a bad time?
    B: No, not at all. Just sometimes texts go thru right away and sometimes they don’t. I’m way out in the country.
    B: that’s why I got a home phone, because I barely get cell phone signal.
    R: Ok. That’s cool. So is text message no good?
    B: It works sometimes and not others…I have no control over it.
    R: Oh. Tell me about ur business, new house and housemate.
    R: Oh
    B: It’s a blogging system
    B: I live on a two acre horse farm with two horses. My housemate is really sweet and easy to get along with.
    R: I guess u r not getting my messages…
    B: Phone would work better.
    R: Oh. Tell me about ur business, new house and housemate.
    B: It’s a blogging system
    B: I live on a two acre horse farm with two horses. My housemate is really sweet and easy to get along with.
    R: Is ur business doing well yet?
    B: I just started at the beginning of December.
    R: Well, I’m glad to hear things r improving 4 u.
    R: Oh
    B: Anything new for you?
    โ€ข That’s it. No response. How am I to perceive this? What should my attitude be? Should I say anything in response? Wouldn’t it have been easier for him to just say, “Hey bi/tch, I utterly disrespect you!”?

  311.  #311Radlove on December 17, 2012 at 11:19 pm

    Well thankfully, that fizzled into a moot issue. His texts weren’t coming thru. I just got a string of 4 texts from R:

    R: I’ll just talk to u another time.
    R: I had a new niece born.
    R: This doesn’t work very well.
    R: Are you getting any of these?
    B: I just got 4 texts in a row. Congratulations on your new niece!!! What’s her name?

  312.  #312Tam on December 18, 2012 at 4:20 am

    I feel afraid.
    So I was texting with Curly yesterday…and I freaked. And he noticed!!!
    I believe that is totally my fear of intimacy rearing its ugly head. In one of the texts he said that he would like me to give him some time…
    meaning, some time to get to know him and I will see that he is a good guy…so that was ok.
    And then came a text saying ‘it’s all about you’…all about me? Then I freaked for some unknown reason. And all sorts of thoughts went through my head, like ‘how can it be all about me’, ‘I don’t like it to be all about me’, ;why is he saying that’, ‘what does this mean’….and most loudly ‘noooo. I don’t want anything to be ‘all about me’.
    And then I stopped in my tracks because I realised that is old patterns…bad stuff…so what would I like instead? A man who is ‘all about him?’..well, I has MrP and he was all about himself. Is that what I like?
    I didn’t think so.
    Very interesting….
    Then he sent another text that REALLY freaked me out. And it’s pretty innocent but since I have a real problem imagining anything going on with this man on a physical level…he said ‘if I was there with you now I would give you a foot rub’.
    And I was freaking. Oh wow. How interesting.
    Firstly, I don’t like to talk about being touched…by someone I don’t know so well…I think that’s what it was. And then, I also really don’t like my feet being touched at all. And then I realised that all of this is perhaps unusual and a normal response might have been ‘that would be nice’…well, I just didn’t respond at all anymore.
    How can I heal my ‘scared rabbit state’….hm.
    I am sure it is not him, I would have felt similarly with other men who’d have made those comments.

  313.  #313Tam on December 18, 2012 at 4:33 am

    ..and promptly, after all that, I had a nightmare.
    I dreamt I had breast cancer and was in and out of hospital…it was awful.

  314.  #314Tam on December 18, 2012 at 4:53 am

    I feel triggered when I see semi-scientific conversations here when people have not educated themselves fully about the facts…in my field of work there are a lot of people claiming to know something when they never took the time to study the basics.
    Oxytocin is a hormone, as far as I understand and have read about it, that much like testosterone, can be produced by many, many ways. All the time.
    Apparently a ‘chat session’ with our friends makes us produce Oxytocin and we feel good, geta high from that.
    For example, did you know that men have Oxitocin too? Apparently in the same amounts as women but it is not an important ‘feel good’ hormone for the, testosterone is. And they don’t just produce more testosterone by sex/women activities, oh no, they produce it when solved a problem, fixing something etc.
    Very simplistic to make it all about sex and orgasms…and it isn’t.
    Oxytocin is even produced in us when we care for someone. Like, listen to them empathetically etc etc.

    To say we are ‘free of Oxytocin’ just because we don’t sleep with a particular man or don’t get bonded to a particular man is like saying ‘I can live without water’. Oxytocin, as far as I understand it (and I am not an expert, but I have read a bit on the subject), is what women need to function and decrease their stress levels. Oxytocin is being produced and consumed by our body every day….and it is one of our most important hormones, making us women…

    So please….

  315.  #315Tam on December 18, 2012 at 4:56 am

    …and our bodies produce it even if we are just cuddling or listening or touching (all women – no exceptions)…and to say it only gets produced during sex is to discount all scientific evidence and research of the last 50 years or so…

  316.  #316GlowStix on December 18, 2012 at 6:19 am


    You are correct. Oxytocin is produced all the time. It behaves and is utilized by the central nervous system in a very similar way to seratonin.

    Uhhh…It’s too early for science lol But yeah…It’s not only produced during sex, orgasm, birth, and breastfeeding.

  317.  #317Tam on December 18, 2012 at 6:22 am

    Glowstix..thank you ๐Ÿ™‚
    I was just beginning to feel icky about my rant..hehehe. I just like to stick to the facts and not the fiction… ๐Ÿ™‚

  318.  #318GlowStix on December 18, 2012 at 6:29 am

    It’s definitely nothing to fear. Especially when we can recognize the feelings that go hand in hand with it. We do have conscious awareness and free will ๐Ÿ˜‰

  319.  #319Belle on December 18, 2012 at 6:44 am

    I bonded to C purely through affection. We’ve never had intercourse/penetrative sex.

    It has been quite an intense practice in learning about my attachment system and the effects of attaching to an avoidant type. Ugh.
    And so worth it.

    By sinking deeply into my big, scary feelings, my body has adapted and they aren’t so overwhelming anymore, which also has the added benefit of increasing my capacity to feel the yummy feelings.
    I can take a few deep breaths and induce a full-body orgasm! I do this at work sometimes, just for kicks ๐Ÿ™‚
    A soft caress can do it, too… I “decided” that I can allow just about anyone to have this effect on me. So the unexpected touch on the arm or caress to my lower back will set it off.

    I’m just too juicy and sexy to limit my pleasure capacity to one source! I’m realizing that under the layer of armor and fat is one of those radiant women that everyone in the room wants to be close to and feels good around. More and more I feel at ease in my body, at ease with life, I feel like I’m surrounded by a vast field of billions of points of light, all constantly responding to my being.

    I feel my mind, my heart, my womb, my guts, my p*ssy, my root…all connected and operating in harmony. I feel like I *am* the hum, I *am* the vibration of being, in total alignment with my deepest, truest self and my core and with the fundamental order of existence.
    I feel charismatic!

    I feel strong. I feel capable. I feel totally healed of the depression that debilitated me for YEARS.

    I feel delighted and surprised to notice all of this right now!

    An increased capacity to feel pleasure is the payoff for all of the riffing and diving in and sinking into and sloughing off the muck of judgments, beliefs, terrifying feelings, lies, trauma..whatevah.

    I feel wowed by my own awesomeness ๐Ÿ™‚

  320.  #320Belle on December 18, 2012 at 6:51 am

    I don’t want to stop!

    I feel vital! I feel vibrant!
    My fingertips are in love with the keys on the keyboard and every stroke feels like a lover’s caress.

    I wondered, what it might be like, to feel happy to simply be alive and I’m finding out!

    I feel it in my bones, all is well, all is well.
    Yes! Yes feels like a fountain of hot pink that rises up from my belly, up through my center and pouring through my hands, arms raised high above my head.
    My chest feels wide and open and responsive, like a trampoline..a soft place to land and play on,

  321.  #321Femininewoman on December 18, 2012 at 7:04 am

    Bamb โ€“ Welcome โ€“ and โ€œfreaking outโ€ just means you need to know more about yourself and work on the parts that are โ€œdramaโ€ instead of emotional. Just saying something โ€œhurtsโ€ is drama. Please really work with the ebook (just click on the book cover in the sidebar) and practice with your Circular Dating โ€“ Thatโ€™s what CDing is FOR! Practice and healingโ€ฆ Love, Rori

  322.  #322Mercedes on December 18, 2012 at 7:08 am

    Sunshine: I don’t know if this helps but I have the relationship of my dreams and I credit a lot of it to leaning back and circular dating (and some feeling messages though not really that often). I don’t circular date anymore (sometimes I circular date myself but mostly J and I spend our free time together) but I do still lean back when I know I need to focus on myself for a bit. I use feeling messages when I believe they are necessary but I don’t use them in general conversation.

    In my opinion (might have read this somewhere and might have made it up, I don’t know), there are many degrees to circular dating and we grow and move through those stages as we grow closer and closer to a man and we continue to move through them until a man steps up to claim us.

    When I first started circular dating, I went on actual dates with other men. J hated it but I did tell him (not an actual “no boyfriend” speech but something similar) that I wasn’t ready to commit to him and that I needed to find out what I was looking for. Many times when he wanted to see me, I was on a date with another man. I was honest with him about this but not in a way meant to make him jealous…simply to let him know I wasn’t kidding, I was really dating other men. I didn’t want to give him the impression I was a girlfriend if I really didn’t want to be. I also didn’t want to feel like I was cheating on him. He could have walked away at any time…and sometimes I thought he was going to.

    Soon, he started filling up my time. He would make plans for us and I was spending every weekend out with him and most weeknights too. I still dated once in a while but nothing actually too romantic, I was getting to know other men while growing closer to J.

    After a time, I was only dating J but I was also circular dating myself (taking classes, spending time out shopping alone, getting my nails done, etc). I felt him pull away (or maybe just go off into his own little world needing his version of “me time”, I don’t know…but he was spending a lot of time playing video games and being somewhat crabby) and I would meet a guy friend of mine for coffee after class, etc. Once again, J hated this but…he got off the couch and started dating me again.

    Shortly after this, I was only circular dating myself but always open and smiling with other men, lots of flirting, etc. Never accepting dates or giving the impression I wanted to but being really open with other men.

    Eventually J asked me to move in (actually, he had asked me several times during my CD stage and each time I said no. He also tried giving me a key to his house and each time I gave it back. Even after I stopped circular dating, it took me a long time to feel ready to move it but he hung in there with me through it all). When I was ready I accepted. We had been dating exclusively for a long time at this point but I wanted to really be READY to move in because that was “it” for me (kind of like marriage is for some other women).

    Today, I have stopped the flirting, etc (although I am very friendly to both men and women when we meet and sometimes I think men take that as flilrting or hitting on them) and I make it very clear to any man who “hits on me” that I have a boyfriend and we are happily in love. I have zero patience for men who don’t take that seriously and I shut down any disrespect of my man or my relationship. J does the same with women although it took him a little longer to shut it down in a no-uncertain-terms way. He had some learning to do. ๐Ÿ™‚

    Now, we are not married and really have no desire to (probably never will but we’ve talked about how things could change and someday we might want that). Right now, we have a lifetime commitment with each other and a spiritual bond. Our plan is to spend the rest of our lives together. We have not gone to a church or a court house to legalize it but we are together for life.

    So…in other words…yes…there is someone here who has the relationship she wants by putting to use the tools Rori details (although circular dating I did – but didn’t have a name for it – before I knew of Rori because it just felt “right” to me. Leaning back I did some of pre Rori but really learned a lot more about it and started using it to feel my feelings after coming here. Feeling messages I completely learned from this site and probably never used them even once before I started getting Rori’s emails).

    Using men…I never did that one. I dated men I was attracted to and had fun with. The ones I would have been using even though I wasn’t attracted to them didn’t get a date two. I never paid for a date but I wasn’t using men to by my meals, I never ended up on a date where a man wanted me to pay. If I had I would have paid my share that night and he wouldn’t have made it to date two. I like to be treated on dates. ๐Ÿ™‚

    Anyway….long, long explanation of how I used the tools here and zero idea if that will help at all. LOL

    Much Love,

  323.  #323GlowStix on December 18, 2012 at 7:32 am


    Driving in the snow feels so exhillerating, nerve wracking! So much fun!! I feel like a little kid ๐Ÿ™‚

  324.  #324Tereana on December 18, 2012 at 7:33 am

    The tone on the blog feels a bit different right now. Mostly we seem all supportive as usual. But lately it seems that a couple of women have come on to criticize us. As if all of us here on the blog, working to improve ourselves and our love lives are somehow flawed in a pitiable way.

    I didn’t read what Jessica had to say from the last thread – it sounded incendiary, from Rori’s response to her.

    I did read Sniff’s first comment, however.

    And Sniff, I feel happy for you. You grew up around men, and maybe that makes it easy for you. I’m glad you’ve found something that works. But my guess is that it’s not all peachy all the time – and that’s why you’re here.

    The part of your comment that made me feel resentment and bristled a little, because it sounded condescending to me, was the part about all the rest of us here “not having skills.”

    And I’m sorry – I don’t know how old you are. You sound very young. I personally am not terribly old, and only young according to older people;). But what I can tell you is that many of us (myself included) have skillz up the wazoo, as it were. We are skill masters (misstresses;). I have a ton of skills that have nothing to do with relationship, and many that exactly have to do with relationship. I also find it “easy” to be with guys sometimes.

    The issue here is not a matter of skills. In some ways, it’s a matter of trauma. Many of us were abused as kids, or neglected, or just didn’t get the love that we needed. Or maybe we were hurt later in life, and it’s tainted our experience of relationship. This blog is about HEALING. We learn techniques to help us heal. And when we are whole, then our relationships with work for us, and our “skills” will work for us.

    One thing we don’t need – or at least I don’t need – is your or anyone else’s pity. My experiences are mine, and they are real, and they are valuable exactly as they are. I don’t envy you. I don’t want what you have. I am on my own path, and it’s getting me where I need to go. And I really don’t need your pity, because at the end of it, I will choose, and I will be in exactly the right kind of relationship for me.

    We all come at it from different directions, and we find it at different times. I get that you were most likely being kind or charitable with your comments. But that’s not what this blog is about here. It is not about one person of their “way” being better than another. We are about learning and accepting ourselves and each other and tolerating our differences.

    Since you are new here, Sniff, I don’t want to sound too harsh. But I just want to educate you about what is really going on, that might not be obvious on the surface.

  325.  #325Tam on December 18, 2012 at 7:42 am

    I just did something really stupid or rock-stary, not sure yet. One of my Austrian friends posted a video of two very stupid women (kind of hot looking but also you could tell they were dense just by looking at them). They ‘mistook’ a sprinkler for a ‘rainbow’ machine and honestly were saying how they would love to have a rainbow machine. This was clearly not a spoof and dead-serious. Very funny. All the other Europeans remarked how funny that was, and that it’s no surprise the world is coming to an end and such comments….then, as this was rolling down, a comment was made by MrP, who just homed in on the looks (these were very young, maybe late teenage early 20’s women and they looked a bit dense…but made up)….comments
    ‘I don’t know what they are saying but it doesn’t really matter’ with a wink….OMG.
    That is so typical and so stupid and it just made me realise again how lucky I was to get away from him. Wow. If we had still been doing stuff together and I had seen that comment I’d have felt sooooo bad – and I have seen many others like it before and felt bad (he once commented on a friend of his’ daughter calling her a hottie and asking whether he could get her friend’s number, she was maybe 19…I find that very cringey).
    However, being impulsive, I put a comment underneath his saying ‘yeah, the more stupid the better!’.
    I just could not help myself. EEeeeek.
    But I am proud because I was wanting to write ‘for men like you’ or ‘they could move to Florida where the men match that level of IQ, close to zero’.
    But, phew, thank God I didn’t. It was close.
    I amused myself a little….but mainly I am just grateful to be away from this man…forever and ever.

    I compare that with someone like Curly, who also likes to check out beautiful young women and then says that this kind of woman doesn’t interest him at all as, he would rather be with someone who had substance and could talk to him, than women with all this faked up beauty and perfection which is unnatural and boring.
    Actually, most mature men I have met say the same thing. Poor MrP. I have compassion for guys who at over 50, seemingly haven’t learnt much and have to pose on dating websites with all the toys they had to sell and don’t even possess anymore.
    Poor love.

  326.  #326Tam on December 18, 2012 at 7:48 am

    Wow, I feel so strongly about ‘no way back’ with this man. I could not even CD him anymore. He just made me feel bad when making comments about beautiful women even when I was with him. Yikes.
    I don’t ever want to feel bad again.
    I want to feel like the prize and the yummy pie, not the consolidation prize when he couldn’t catch anyone else maybe.
    Now I know (remember!!) how it feels to be adored and cherished, I couldn’t ever go back there. Not even for a coffee date.
    Not even for a boat-trip or anything else.
    Not even if he was the last man on earth….hehe.
    What a turn-around in only three weeks.

  327.  #327GlowStix on December 18, 2012 at 7:57 am

    I’ll go out on a limb and say the last thing ANY of us wants is to be pitied.

    Here here Tereana. So beautifully said.

  328.  #328Tam on December 18, 2012 at 7:59 am

    ah, how cute. He ‘liked’ my comment and now asked me (using my pet name – bugger), what they were actually saying.
    I told him to go and buy some rainbow machines…hahahahahaha….

  329.  #329ruth on December 18, 2012 at 8:01 am

    Sunshine, your posts do strike a chord with me

    Tereana, I am dying to ask what a “wazoo” is,But I agree with Stixy, excellent points well made

    Sounds like you are moving on nicely Tam

  330.  #330ruth on December 18, 2012 at 8:02 am

    In other news, tosay I am a complete morass of all sorts of unpredictable emotions

    It feels very unsettling as i dont know whats coming next

  331.  #331Femininewoman on December 18, 2012 at 8:05 am

    Ruth – Rori says when you are healing feelings show up. You might feel like you are falling over into a pit but when feelings starts coming up you are moving fprward.

  332.  #332ruth on December 18, 2012 at 8:08 am

    I hope so FW

    this ——–messy stuff does not feel good at all
    One minute I am in tears, then the next I want to rush off and do something really outrageous

    This does not feel like me

    But of course it is me, and my feelings

    I feel tight in the chest and panicked now

  333.  #333Tam on December 18, 2012 at 8:11 am

    oh, I feel annoyed that communication channels are open again with MrP. Slightly amused but also like it’s a waste of my precious energy and now for him the game is on again and I can’t be bothered.
    No closure then but nothing else either.

  334.  #334ruth on December 18, 2012 at 8:12 am

    In other news I just used a feeling message by test which I think worked

    I was feeling very jealous about something my man referred to in his past
    So I sat with the feeling for a while and didnt reply straight away
    I didnt know what to say and I was feeling scared of saying the wrong thing
    So I texted back that I had been feeling weird but that I felt okay now(which I did after a while)
    he sent a joky text and I felt scared again so didnt reply for a bit
    and then he really opened up, asking me to talk to him and to come back to him

    I just replied that my feelingswere all over the place today and that I was scared of saying the wrong thing

    For once he didnt react badly

  335.  #335ruth on December 18, 2012 at 8:12 am

    Too much spam form me

  336.  #336Rebekah on December 18, 2012 at 8:13 am

    327- I have often asked myself the question. Do I just want to be pitied? And sometimes the answer is a flat and fast NO and other times its a, yes please someone notice me! Someone tell me it will all be ok, and that they are so sorry I’m dealing with certain things on my life..
    But now when I think about it, I feel stronger not being pitied, and when ppl do pity me I feel a tense angerous bolt go through me.. Like how dare you pity me…

    Humm this makes me feel all sorts of curious..

  337.  #337Tam on December 18, 2012 at 8:15 am

    He was asking me if I had ever seen a commercial sprinkler before…how bizarre.
    I just replied that I am right now sitting on a combined harvester sorting the wheat from the chaff….as he used to tell me that once I am back in Florida the men will pursue me and I would need a combined harvester to sort that lot.
    He’ll get the message ๐Ÿ˜‰
    He he he…. ‘bugger off, I am dating’….

  338.  #338Rebekah on December 18, 2012 at 8:15 am

    334- Ruth.

    That sounds wonderful! Happy for you!

  339.  #339Tam on December 18, 2012 at 8:16 am

    Ruth, you see…it works…so nice that you tried again!! Trooper!!

  340.  #340Rebekah on December 18, 2012 at 8:17 am

    337- hahaha this makes me laugh!

  341.  #341ruth on December 18, 2012 at 8:17 am

    I feel amused reading about your conversation and metaphors tam

    Thanks Rebekah

  342.  #342GlowStix on December 18, 2012 at 8:18 am


    No one wants pity in the true sense. We crave empathy, understanding, support. A hug. Love.


    “awww you’re so clueless and broken and i’m really glad you have some lady here to help you understand how to be a woman..”


  343.  #343Tam on December 18, 2012 at 8:19 am

    I also scolded him for assuming I had never seen a field sprinkler before (I am a country girl and he is a city boy)….hehehe…zero reply. He hates it when people get all clever on him and make him wrong (like any man would). Point is, I don’t care anymore, because I am done. No more authentic sharing, no more feeling messages…not with this one.
    I feel so free, like I can say what I want and don’t give a rats arse what he thinks…..
    Oh I love that feeling.

  344.  #344ruth on December 18, 2012 at 8:19 am

    it works if i dont express my immediate feelings———yes

    have to wait and process until a slightly less negative feeling comes up

    My immediate feeling was Yuck
    If I had expressed that, well

  345.  #345Tam on December 18, 2012 at 8:20 am

    oh he liked my comment…and a smiley face…hahaha…oh he is a pussy cat now!!
    I feel so amused.
    Sorry for spamming but this is hilarious…too funny.
    Well, whatever.
    He got the message.
    It can spur him on all he likes, I am DONE ๐Ÿ™‚

  346.  #346GlowStix on December 18, 2012 at 8:22 am

    Go ruth woopwoop!

    The wazoo…A slang/metaphorical term for vagina.

    “I’ve got feeling messages out the wazoo!”


  347.  #347ruth on December 18, 2012 at 8:24 am

    Yes Stixy
    I want empathy, not pity

  348.  #348ruth on December 18, 2012 at 8:25 am

    thanks stixy

    I prefer Foufie, but a wazoo sounds like a powerful thing

  349.  #349GlowStix on December 18, 2012 at 8:25 am


    That’s exactly how it was for me in the beginning. Feeling, waiting, expressing gently. After some time, (nearly 2 years for me! Buckle in ๐Ÿ˜‰ )it will become easier to do in the moment and once that finally comes, before you know it you’ll be processing in real time.

  350.  #350Tam on December 18, 2012 at 8:28 am

    now he is complimenting me…some men are so funny. When they know that they have lost out, they start to row again. Oh how predictable.

  351.  #351Rebekah on December 18, 2012 at 8:28 am

    342- GlowStix

    Umm yeah thats just nasty feeling when you read it…

    “No one wants pity in the true sense. We crave empathy, understanding, support. A hug. Love.”

    – this really makes me start to understand why I have tense feelings about ppl openly pitying me. It’s not the response I want or needed in the moment. There’s usually no empathy/understanding/support/or even love, when its been offered.. Just a pretense a show..

  352.  #352GlowStix on December 18, 2012 at 8:28 am


    Oh yeah. I’ve got power out the wazoo too ๐Ÿ˜‰

    I’ve only ever heard this term used in this way… “out the wazoo” for things you have an abundance of within you, and “up the wazoo” for things you are over-run with…

    “xmas gifts up the wazoo”. ๐Ÿ™‚

  353.  #353ruth on December 18, 2012 at 8:29 am

    I must listen to that bit in Reconnect which says we can choose which feeling to feel out of the soup

    At the end of the day, this is all about me feeling better

    I cant feel much worse, I suppose
    so, the only way is up

  354.  #354GlowStix on December 18, 2012 at 8:35 am


    Exactly!! Pity comes from a place of assuming “I am better than you.” And truly, none of us are better than anyone else. Some may be within more “ideal” circumstances…When it comes down to it we all are living a human experience and most of our core feelings would be nearly the same if living someone elses circumstances. With exception, of course. When we can say “I see how you are feeling, and I get it.” even if we wouldn’t feel the same…We are within empathy.

  355.  #355Femininewoman on December 18, 2012 at 8:42 am

    Ruth I don’t see it as spam. Sounds like processing that is building your awareness. It also sounds like you might have discovered his attention language. The space you created while sinking into your feelings before responding obviously changed your vibe. Your feelings were bouncing around but the words you choose communicated that you were taking responsibility for them.

  356.  #356Tam on December 18, 2012 at 8:42 am

    I feel like spamming, spamming, spamming.
    I was having a full blown convo with MrP on fb.
    The more rude I got, the more he complimented me. That just feels weird and counterintuitive.
    Now I told him to work on his spelling and punctuation and apostrophies….honestly, it feels like fun trying to wind him up – it is usually very easy.
    And he isn’t having it…or fighting back…I feel amused. Trying to get into my good books? too late and waaaaaay too little. But funny nonetheless.
    Gonna stop now though, got better things to do.

  357.  #357Femininewoman on December 18, 2012 at 8:46 am

    Ruth – I don’t think “yuck” is a feeling. It seems to me like an expression to push an actual feeling away. Do you think you could put words to the in the moment feeling that is descriptive.

    “If you express correctly what has happened for you and how you feel and what you need and how you reacted that’s when change happen in a relationship. That’s when intimacy starts”.

  358.  #358Rebekah on December 18, 2012 at 8:46 am

    354- GlowStix, Yes yes aww this is going to help me so much when trying to convey my understanding to N when he rants about work:) yay good stuff.

  359.  #359ruth on December 18, 2012 at 8:49 am

    357 FW
    I will think on this one
    You could well have a point there

    Yuck is just a general horrible feeling, I suppose a bit like when Rori used “ick” but yes, maybe I need to look deeper

    Im not going to use it any more

  360.  #360Femininewoman on December 18, 2012 at 8:53 am

    It felt like I got punched in the stomach. I feel like running away and hiding in a closet like a little girl.

  361.  #361ruth on December 18, 2012 at 8:54 am

    Actually, having thunk a bit more on it, using “yuck” feels a bit lazy
    More attention to detail required

  362.  #362Femininewoman on December 18, 2012 at 8:57 am

    Ouch I feel crushed

  363.  #363Tam on December 18, 2012 at 8:58 am

    I feel super amused, I had so much fun!!!

  364.  #364ruth on December 18, 2012 at 8:59 am

    I feel a bit anxious now
    Are you giving me examples or are you actually feeling those things you posted?

  365.  #365Femininewoman on December 18, 2012 at 8:59 am

    I feel all shaky inside and that feels like running away and crying

  366.  #366Femininewoman on December 18, 2012 at 9:00 am

    Ruth – just throwing some things out there to recreate the moment that might jog your subconscious into going back into the feeling to identify exactly what the “yuck” was.

  367.  #367ruth on December 18, 2012 at 9:01 am

    massive torrent of relief there

    Thank you FW

  368.  #368ruth on December 18, 2012 at 9:03 am

    I felt angry
    I felt jealous
    And I felt afraid-and not good enough

    whoops more tears

    this isnt easy is it

  369.  #369Femininewoman on December 18, 2012 at 9:03 am

    massive torrent of relief there

    PHEWWWWWW…………..It feels like a boulder just got pulled off my shoulder

  370.  #370Tam on December 18, 2012 at 9:04 am

    Well, got to hand it to him, he is a good sparring partner verbally, if not a partner for anything else ๐Ÿ˜‰

  371.  #371Rebekah on December 18, 2012 at 9:05 am

    I feel Iam not moving forward as fast as I’d like..
    I do so much better when learning new things in a close personal sometimes face to face group, where I can ask as many questions as I want over and over and over if I need and not feel worried I will be chastised or no longer taken seriously, or worse become an annoyance..

    Aw fear of being an annoyance, feeling like Iam not worth the attention, my questions are not worth a response. My lack of self drives me to creat outcomes by toning myself down, not being the true me.
    I love my fear of being an annoyance, I know I only feel this way because that is how I see myself, I love my version of me.. I can grow beyond this.

  372.  #372ruth on December 18, 2012 at 9:05 am


    thats enough for now
    I can only blame the streaming cold for red eyes for so long

    I dont think I would actualy be able to say ANY of that to him
    Its all negative , and quite likely to be perceived as criticism
    I suppose I have felt it though, which is a start

  373.  #373Femininewoman on December 18, 2012 at 9:06 am

    I feel my heart drop to the ground. It feels awful. I feel so not enough. And I dont want to feel that way with you. Can you help me with this?

    This one I saved from Dominique but I suspect to share so much at once your guy might only be able to take it all in after he opens up a bit.

  374.  #374ruth on December 18, 2012 at 9:09 am

    Yes FW

    I do not feel that he would be able to take all that right now

    I just read Dominiques book
    This might be why I feel like a simmering cauldron of emotions today

    (Ive actualy just texted the latter to him)

  375.  #375Femininewoman on December 18, 2012 at 9:10 am

    Ruth you could say it. Or maybe dramatize like put you hand to your heart and say aaawww my heart.

  376.  #376ruth on December 18, 2012 at 9:12 am

    and now I feel like eating an enormous quantity of food or drinking a load of gin

    Clearly I want an anaesthetic for the feelings

  377.  #377ruth on December 18, 2012 at 9:13 am

    Honestly FW
    Its too negative and he would feel criticised
    thats one of his triggers

  378.  #378Femininewoman on December 18, 2012 at 9:13 am


  379.  #379ruth on December 18, 2012 at 9:14 am

    Also maybe he doesnt *need* to know about the not good enough and all that
    It is my issue to heal
    its not his

  380.  #380Femininewoman on December 18, 2012 at 9:16 am

    Ruth – trying sandwiching things.

    First appreciate him spending time to listen to you and talking to you, let him know that you feel happy with him, then share what you might consider negative. Just that you have to be comfortable with the negative. Then close off with a positive.

  381.  #381ruth on December 18, 2012 at 9:18 am

    I dont think I do feel comfortable with the negative stuff
    It feels overwhwlming and i feel out of control and irrational and-unsafe
    And destructive like a nail bomb might be
    Or something

  382.  #382Femininewoman on December 18, 2012 at 9:19 am

    He doesn’t need to know but speaking the truth transparently deepens relationships and helps to heal you. Otherwise they are churning around under the surface and you run the risk of spewing because they definitely leak out.

  383.  #383Femininewoman on December 18, 2012 at 9:20 am

    Ruth I believe identifying those that you are not comfortable with, jist noticing them and telling them thank you might help you.

  384.  #384Rebekah on December 18, 2012 at 9:22 am

    383- thumbs up!

  385.  #385GlowStix on December 18, 2012 at 9:22 am


    Most of the time I feel too big and loud in a writinf based setting. This is good for me. I am learning to be big and loud in real life and love this about myself. And big and loud feeling, to me, I assume might actually just look like normal, vibrant girl talking at a reasonable volume lol It just FEELS so big and loud. Compared with what I have been my whole life, which is small and quiet.

    As I sit here I realize none of this has ever hindered men from being drawn and attracted to me. What it hindered was my ability to feel calm and good. Which brings up fear and anxiety. Which becomes toxic after turning to bitter and resentful.

    And yeah…Now i’m way down a rabbit hole. :-p

  386.  #386ruth on December 18, 2012 at 9:23 am

    I am not expressing myself so well here

    If I have a very negative reaction to what was essentially a throwaway comment about his past, because of *my* issues around not feeling good enough-then does he need to know about that in detail?

    Lots of very powerful but negative stuff which is *my* baggage, and *my* stuff to heal

    I totally agree that I need to feel this and work through it.
    But does he need the full negative nasty processing in detail??

    I dont know

    Maybe I just need to share that I am feeling emotional or uncomfortable and am processing through this

    What do you think?

  387.  #387ruth on December 18, 2012 at 9:24 am

    383 FW

    yes, I feel safe with that one
    I think I can do that

  388.  #388GlowStix on December 18, 2012 at 9:26 am


    I feel fascinated with you right now…

    Perhaps releasing *gently* one nail at a time. Not aimed in any direction…Just, plop. Out. Over time, decompressing that “time bomb” feeling.

    I this visualization feels calming, to me at least.

  389.  #389GlowStix on December 18, 2012 at 9:28 am

    I remember, when I first started getting really into releasing my feelings I would say them as if I was fascinated with them, myself. And I was…like, “oh…I feel irritated…wow. Hmmm.”

  390.  #390Femininewoman on December 18, 2012 at 9:33 am

    You have to:
    (1) like who you are
    (2) accept who you are, and
    (3) love yourself,

    …before you can expect to experience great success with relationships.

    When you let go of the need to control every word you say around a man, you start relaxing. You start feeling like you can just be YOU. You respond authentically to what he has to say.

    Mirabelle Summers

  391.  #391GlowStix on December 18, 2012 at 9:34 am


    I don’t personally share all that stuff with him. I get to pick, and choose what I share. Some things are just for me. Some things for just him. Some for me and my support group (you all) some things for all, and him.

    And in fact, picking and choosing for myself and feeling confident in those choices, and knowing they are right, because they are by me, for me, is a cornerstone of my self confidence.

  392.  #392GlowStix on December 18, 2012 at 9:38 am

    Moment by moment interaction being different, in that I process in real time, at this point. Mostly, what comes up, comes out. Unless I feel blocked. Which is a feeling all to itself. A stumbling, throat catch of words. Sometimes I’ll actually go “ahhh echhh ohhhf” stut-stutter lol

  393.  #393Rebekah on December 18, 2012 at 9:39 am

    GlowStix 385..

    Yes I feel like I am speaking too much, I have always practiced being seen and not heard. Growing up I was very good at this, and as I got older I clung to this as a security blanket.. Now I want to uncover and be seen lol

  394.  #394ruth on December 18, 2012 at 9:41 am

    thank you ladies
    Another thing I just thought about
    I used to be really quite good at creative writing, and even did English languae A level along side my three sciences which I needed for med school
    I then spent the next n number of years being told to stop using flowery language and get to the point concisely.
    To be fair, thats quite important in my job

    But it does mean that I might be a little more stuck in expressing feelings
    This is one reason I do Namowrimo each is helping to release that block
    (and I still sneak in the odd pretty word into a clinic lettr)

  395.  #395GlowStix on December 18, 2012 at 9:46 am

    Hmmm sometimes my block feels like a vacuum…Suspending my feelings outside and around me as they come up. It feels incredibly difficult to pull them back through me and up and out of my mouth. This kind of block produces palpable silence around me. The kind of silence that holds it’s breath and waits for my words to exhale. This feel…Ohhh…heavy in my head and tight in my belly and some kind of energy in the space around me and us. I believe this is what he referrs to when he says he can sense when something’s up. Heck yah he can! That sh1ts physical :-p

  396.  #396GlowStix on December 18, 2012 at 9:52 am

    Ahhh ruth

    I love words! I wrote a 2 page journal entry using lovely words to express my love for words.

  397.  #397ruth on December 18, 2012 at 9:52 am

    Its physical all right

    I recall once being amazed at just how physical grief could be
    At the time I was in enough of a bad way to have totally depersonalised, and it was like observing myself from the outside

  398.  #398ruth on December 18, 2012 at 9:54 am

    I love words too
    But I have bad writers block still

  399.  #399Daria on December 18, 2012 at 10:03 am

    Ruth – ing you did it ! I feel teary ! Yay connection


  400.  #400Smile on December 18, 2012 at 10:07 am

    Ruth, I’ve felt really moved reading your posts x

  401.  #401ruth on December 18, 2012 at 10:08 am

    Right now I dont feel so much open as -raw
    My heart feels like a huge great red pulsating blob
    feels too much
    I feel too full
    I feel like I want to push it all away

  402.  #402Smile on December 18, 2012 at 10:10 am

    Radlove from previous thread. Yes the relationship ending also led to the breakdown of other relationships which feels sad. I’ve continued them in ways I can but not like it use to be. But now I feel like actually it was those other relationships which probably held the one with my ex together for longer than it should have.

  403.  #403ruth on December 18, 2012 at 10:10 am

    I cant push it away cos it is part of me
    big heavy stone trying to rip through my chest wall
    Enough please

  404.  #404Smile on December 18, 2012 at 10:11 am

    FW from previous thread. Thank you for your hug.

    I’m going to take a card round to her and say hello.

  405.  #405Smile on December 18, 2012 at 10:12 am

    Sunshine, re circular dating. I understand your discomfort around dating more than one guy. I’m starting to date for the first time at 29. I have a lot of triggers I’m working through but so far so good. Before I’ve always been loyal to a guy right from the first kiss and had long term relationships. This has not served me. I’m learning so much about myself.

  406.  #406Rebekah on December 18, 2012 at 10:14 am

    I really do feel there is something to releasing words.. Not only are you noticing them and hopefully understanding them on some level but I feel like you are opening yourself up to not let them get to you. Kid if this makes sense, but like I just noticed an expectation I didn’t really realize I had, and then when the situation came up where I had the expectation I felt a release when I notice the expectation.. Ugg I don’t even understand myself what I’m trying to say lol

  407.  #407Smile on December 18, 2012 at 10:15 am

    So tonight ambulance cd texed to say he has no money until he is paid as he has overspent on his family thus weekend for Xmas. He didn’t ask me to pay, just said honestly that we would have to go somewhere cheap but he was looking forward to seeing me.

    I’m seeing cycle cd on Saturday night too.

    I thought 2cd would have disappeared a bit after I spoke my truth but he’s texting again. He feels clingy.

  408.  #408ruth on December 18, 2012 at 10:15 am

    Hot tears
    heart contracts
    Thinking of a bright blue, which seems to help
    have NO idea what I was just feeling, but I didnt like that much

  409.  #409ruth on December 18, 2012 at 10:18 am

    Right, I feel like less of an alien now
    Hello Smile, and thank you
    Your CD ing seems to be going well.I feel inttrigues as to how this works in the UK
    Rebekah, releasing and letting go of stuff is good

    Im not sure if I feel better or not for that lot up there
    Maybe I will tomorrow
    it used to take about 48 hours for my therapy sessions to do anything and move me forward

  410.  #410Smile on December 18, 2012 at 10:20 am

    Ruth and tam re men paying for dates in uk… I had a 2 year relationship where he paid for everything. I was totally wined and dined. He was not well off though.

    Strummingman had no money. I had to pay for everything. I felt like his bank.

    The dates I have been on so far the guys have paid. Ambulance cd bought a bottle of wine which lasted the date which I felt great about as it meant I didn’t need to worry about the next round.

    The feeling I’m getting is that men like to take women out. Especially in the first few dates.

    I feel comfortable with offering, I dint feel comfortable with assuming but most good men at this point I feel would say no.

    This is just my experience so far.

  411.  #411Smile on December 18, 2012 at 10:23 am

    Ruth re circular dating. I’ve been really honest with guys when they have asked about other dates I’ve been on. Because I’m online dating they almost ‘expect’ you to be going on other dates and talking to other guys.I guess as dates goes on another conversation might be had around this.

  412.  #412ruth on December 18, 2012 at 10:23 am

    that is interesting Smile
    Just recently I have not immediately pulled my purse out to pay on two occasions and the person I was with just stepped up and paid
    Not sure how *i* feel about it
    I do earn a good wage you see

  413.  #413ruth on December 18, 2012 at 10:24 am

    Ive never on line dated Smile

    maybe things have actually changed

  414.  #414Daria on December 18, 2012 at 10:26 am

    Ruth – yes ! You Go ! For some reasons the posts w the feelings and the cauldron feel so… sexy !

    Omg ! It’s like amazing ๐Ÿ™‚ yay!

    I want to feel like a simmering cauldron of emotions.

  415.  #415ruth on December 18, 2012 at 10:26 am

    399 Daria
    thank you

  416.  #416Starla on December 18, 2012 at 10:28 am

    Is it okay to have a relationship where we are devoted to each other but only see each other once or twice a week? because of busy lives and an hour of distance?

    is it possible to build a devoted relationship this way?

    in general, i am busy 3-5 nights a week and one weekend day.

    i don’t want to stop living my full life.

    i want a man who also has a full life in taking care of himself and is thrilled to see me when we have the time. i want an understanding that after our own lives (work, friends, self care and enrichment), we come first in each other’s lives

    but we only see each other 1 or 2 times a week.

    is this okay?

    seriously… is it?

    it’s what i need. i don’t want to stop going to dance rehearsals, reiki class, acupuncture/spa, etc., taking care of my house, going to the gym, going to bed early to get enough sleep during the week, focusing on my job, etc. i don’t. but i have the belief that if i don’t make forming a relationship my top priority, I am going to lose.

    I remember Rori said in targeting mr right to tell your girlfriends you don’t have time for them as a priority because you’re dating.

    please chime in!!!!!

  417.  #417Violette on December 18, 2012 at 10:29 am

    Ruth I love the discussion about how dating is different in the US and Europe. I’ve dated in both and I’ve wondered how to apply these tools there (I’m in the US now). It’s so interesting to me (:

  418.  #418Tam on December 18, 2012 at 10:32 am

    Starla, I would ‘cross that bridge’ when I get to it.

    I have ruminated about these things so much and in hindsight it was always different when it actually happened, priorities change, lives change, people move.

  419.  #419ruth on December 18, 2012 at 10:34 am

    I really cant see why not
    It sounds like an ideal situation to me

  420.  #420Tam on December 18, 2012 at 10:34 am

    Smile, hm….I never had that experience in the UK but then I had a bf most of the time and when I dated a litte, I probably used to get ‘the next round’ or ‘the next dinner’…I would just assume that is how it is…so maybe I was actually directing it towards that.
    Generally I also believe men like to take a woman out, for sure on the first few dates…I kind of had that experience in Europe too though less common there.
    Here it seems almost an insult to some men when I offer to contribute.

  421.  #421ruth on December 18, 2012 at 10:36 am

    Violette, I am in an older age group so may be out of date vis a vis dating in Europe

  422.  #422Tam on December 18, 2012 at 10:36 am

    So Curly texted me and I wrote back that I was swimming at lunchtime.
    He said ‘are you teasing me, why don’t you send me a photo’
    No buddy. I wasn’t teasing you. I was telling you that I was swimming at lunchtime. And not a photoshoot either….grr.
    Well, he is a man after all, I suppose. Even if he is ancient.
    Feels weird. I get freaked out way too easily…I guess.

  423.  #423ruth on December 18, 2012 at 10:37 am

    Rori said that about girlfriends?

    ooh, Im not sure about that one at all
    feels wrong

  424.  #424Smile on December 18, 2012 at 10:39 am

    Hi tam!

    Ladies I will post on my return! Off out now for a Xmas evd with friends

  425.  #425GlowStix on December 18, 2012 at 10:39 am



    Just wow…And (((hugs)))

  426.  #426Tam on December 18, 2012 at 10:39 am

    Well, I don’t know but I do understand that a man can get fed up when we go out with our gf’s 6 days a week and have one night a week reserved for him…a man who wants to be with us that is.
    Just sayin’

  427.  #427ruth on December 18, 2012 at 10:42 am

    I feel really amused and almost-well disbelieving
    I have said NOTHING remotely “fruity” on here
    But I have been texting and mailing naughty stuff all day!
    How the H8LL did you pick that up over the internet

  428.  #428MovingMagic on December 18, 2012 at 11:15 am

    Hi Starla, I feel like so much of that depends on you, & where you are in your life. The 1-2 days a week used to be ideal for me. Now it’s not. It feels okay to start off, but I want a progression toward spending more time together. Like you I have a full life, filled with things I’m passionate about. It’s a balance.

  429.  #429MovingMagic on December 18, 2012 at 11:18 am

    Whoo! I’m collaborating with a perfomance artist, getting a dance piece together for the new year. This is one of my major dreams!

  430.  #430Mel on December 18, 2012 at 11:36 am


    “It feels overwhwlming and i feel out of control and irrational and-unsafe
    And destructive like a nail bomb might be”

    I think I would share this. This feels real and the reverse of blamey. It’s you owning your feelings, and it feels like whatever followed would be entirely personal and not simply negative.

    Like… Oh, I know this sounds irrational…. I FEEL irrational. I feel jealous for no reason, and that’s my stuff… but I still FEEL it. And I don’t want to.

    You are sooooooo sireny today Ruth!

  431.  #431ruth on December 18, 2012 at 11:48 am

    How fabulous!

  432.  #432ruth on December 18, 2012 at 11:49 am

    Mel, No
    he would run a mile

    but thank you

  433.  #433LoveAlways on December 18, 2012 at 12:03 pm

    I feel like writing some feeling messages to use for the rest of the days in December. And some scripts too. I’m advancing my Feminine Energy Marathon to the spoken (feeling) word now. No requests, no demands, no “conversation,” just responses and feeling messages.

  434.  #434LoveAlways on December 18, 2012 at 12:04 pm

    I feel

  435.  #435LoveAlways on December 18, 2012 at 12:05 pm

    Va va va va voom!

  436.  #436Mel on December 18, 2012 at 12:07 pm

    (((Ruth))) It’s funny, because I felt myself leaning forward reading your feeling messages… you had me hanging on your words. I did not feel like running away. At all. But yes, sometimes men need very small little bursts of feeling. At first….

  437.  #437Femininewoman on December 18, 2012 at 12:08 pm

    Ruth how about not deciding what he “would” do and just focus on changing your dance steps as he does what he does.

  438.  #438MovingMagic on December 18, 2012 at 12:12 pm

    Ahhh, the many layers of healing. I fell asleep last night totally embracing my awesomeness.Today I feel tired & edgy. My mother has an operation to remove the cancer from her breast tomorrow, & I’m half a country away. Ahhh. Sending so much love, & healing energy her way.

  439.  #439Starla on December 18, 2012 at 12:12 pm

    i am having a crazy food craving. that is all.

  440.  #440ruth on December 18, 2012 at 12:14 pm

    “bursts of feeling”
    that feels okay

    FW.He reacts so badly to feeling messages that he wont talk for days
    he gets scared about feelings in general outside the rori stuff, if I go back

    I do feel that I should process this stuff inside me first

    Thrown out raw, as it is, as I feel, seems too much for him to handle
    well, I dint efen handle it that well, do i

  441.  #441ruth on December 18, 2012 at 12:18 pm

    436 Mel
    but you are in touch with your feelings
    Maybe he isnt
    I dunno, I do feel that I have to tread carefully
    This is all new
    Its okay for me to screamand rant and feel the feelings
    but not yet in his presence
    Before Rori I did express my full feelings(as best I knew how) and he withdrew
    so, baby steps for now
    Its not so much about him anyway really
    I just need to feel better

  442.  #442ruth on December 18, 2012 at 12:19 pm

    433 Love always
    Feminine energy marathon?
    I feel intrigued

  443.  #443Starla on December 18, 2012 at 12:22 pm

    i am seeing a lot of negative beliefs to almost a stubborn extent, ruth. like you’re dead set on believing things won’t change, instead of believing that even the slightest tweak could produce a shift (believe me, girl, it can!)

  444.  #444ruth on December 18, 2012 at 12:25 pm

    443 Starla
    Yes, i am stubborn, tis true
    But i DO think things can change, otnerwise I wouldnt be here
    its more change in ME first

    Im not trying to change him, or us
    Not yet

  445.  #445ruth on December 18, 2012 at 12:27 pm

    Been badly burned by trying feeling messages before i got them properly
    dont want to have those really nasty interactions again

  446.  #446Starla on December 18, 2012 at 12:28 pm

    ooh i agree it’s change in you first.

  447.  #447ruth on December 18, 2012 at 12:31 pm

    I can be a bit too impatient and a bit too full on

    That is what I did “wrong”
    And i wsnt authentic enough

    I need to work on self, but i will keep doing the odd little neutral or nice FM as practice as I go along my own journey

  448.  #448Starla on December 18, 2012 at 12:32 pm

    445, i have been burned too trying some suggestions to the T. Like saying “i’m just a girl here…” to QZ always always rubbed him the wrong way. We do have to tweak according to our own personalities and situations. Daria suggested saying instead, “i’m the kind of girl who…” and that went over much better!

    practice and experiment:)

  449.  #449ruth on December 18, 2012 at 12:36 pm

    Thanks Starla, thats helpful


    Indeed one size does not fit all

  450.  #450Starla on December 18, 2012 at 12:39 pm

    this morning i realized that i had no right sending my mom a letter about her needing to get help for her psychological issues was absolutely not the way to go. i realized that the reason she triggered me so badly, apart from the fact that she’s my mom and she abandoned me, is that i have parts of her psychological issues in me that aren’t fully healed.

    and my therapist and i have been talking about confronting her to get her to leave me alone or shape up. but i think i should be talking to my therapist about the things i still do myself that i consider ‘bad’ behavior from her.

    what you don’t like about yourself triggers you.

    she is the closest thing i have to a mirror in this world.

    i feel lighter, like a burden is getting resolved.

    the resolution is through me (for now). me! i have the power to change and heal.

  451.  #451Starla on December 18, 2012 at 12:45 pm

    “this morning i realized that i had no right sending my mom a letter about her needing to get help for her psychological issues was absolutely not the way to go.”

    should say “AND was absolutely not the way to go”

  452.  #452ruth on December 18, 2012 at 12:49 pm

    Hey Starla
    the minute I realised that it was up to *me* how i choose to feel(I was 42) about my parents
    it felt so liberating
    They did what they did
    they did what worked for them at the time evn what they thought was best for me
    it might not have been, well, it wasnt
    But that was then, and this is now, and——-it doesnt matter
    They still try to replay the same patterns-like im so helpless and cant cope(FFS, I deal with peoples lives day in day out)
    But, actully, not my issue
    I bear no anger anymore
    they did aht they thought was best
    I look after me now and repsect their views but i dont have to live by them anymore

  453.  #453Starla on December 18, 2012 at 12:57 pm

    well ruth my mom is a pathological liar and manipulator and i’ve told her before we can’t have a relationship until she fixes this (this was 3+ yrs ago) and now she’s crossing boundaries and acting very unsettling toward me.

    i realized that what bothers me about her is still part of me. sometimes i do lie and manipulate (i’m not sure i’ve ever lied here or to anyone here, though! i feel safe here) when i feel unsafe, though when i was younger it was awful and out of control.

    i wish to heal this in myself.

    then i can worry about this same behavior in her

  454.  #454ruth on December 18, 2012 at 12:59 pm

    well, then you just need to distance yourself
    Family aint sacrosanct

  455.  #455Starla on December 18, 2012 at 1:02 pm

    oh god, i feel queazy, like nothing with QZ will ever work

  456.  #456ruth on December 18, 2012 at 1:06 pm


    Now stoppit
    Just have the coffee date and see what happens

  457.  #457Starla on December 18, 2012 at 1:11 pm

    454 i have been, and i communicated it too, but my mom is just a certain way. she’s been cyber stalking me and emailing me about the things she finds, and it’s creepy. she also has my grandma put the phone on speaker so she can hear what’s happening in my life (without telling me!), and then my mom emails me about the things she eavesdropped (“tell your best friend congrats on ________”)

    it severely disturbs me that she would rather go to these lengths than just see a therapist and quit being a pathological liar about everything.

    the final straw was when she called me in the middle of class in college to tell me she had a severe cancer. she was making it up for attention. i cried so hard when i thought my mom was going to die of cancer… a cancer that i am at risk for.

    the second final straw was while i was on the cruise with my family over the summer for the first time, I learned that my mom convinced my grandma (they live together because my mom won’t keep a job) to withdraw over a hundred thousand dollars and keep it in cash in the house!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    my mom is a liar and a thief!

    when she kicked me out of the house in high school, before she disappeared and i emancipated, she wrote my boss at the time a letter about how i abused her (i didn’t!!!!!) and ended the letter by saying if my boss needed to fire me now, she would take my job. the thing was, before my mom kicked me out, i was paying the rent……….. she kicked out her gravy train and then tried to take my job from me (which is really effed up — that job was all i had to stop me from starving to death and having to prostitute myself during high school to have a roof over my head)

    my boss let me read the letter and said she didn’t buy a word of it. whew. i was saved

    i did eventually end up homeless but i hung on for a couple of years before that happened. i called my mom, who was back in touch with me and admitted i hadn’t done anything wrong and living in my city again, to ask if i could sleep there one night. she said her boyfriend probably wouldn’t like that.

    later on she lived with a different boyfriend for many years. i visited once and he sexually assaulted me right in front of her. she was jealous, but that was the core of her being upset.

    i never went back

    over the years things got worse and worse.

    then she lied about dying of cancer


    i used to lie about being sick. i used to lie about why my bills weren’t paid. i used to lie about ANYTHING i felt necessary to keep people taking care of me and approving of me.



  458.  #458Starla on December 18, 2012 at 1:12 pm

    456 ruth
    yes mum:)


    aw i feel a lot of love for you right now

    i can feel that you’re a good person and i feel blessed that you’re payin attention to me at the moment:)

  459.  #459Daria on December 18, 2012 at 1:18 pm

    Starla – I would think it doesn’t matter, it’s what works for you to see if this guy is for you for marriage , when yall live together.

  460.  #460Daria on December 18, 2012 at 1:18 pm

    :: Protectiveness vs. Trust ::

    Sometimes we think our “job” as parents is to
    protect our children from ever experiencing pain.
    Parenting then becomes an endless series of
    warnings, both subtle and dire.

    This approach backfires as it disconnects children
    from their *inner* Guidance.

    When we allow them to risk the pain of skinned knees
    and bruised egos, they hone their ability to follow
    their Pleasure. When we don’t *impose* guidance on
    them, they learn to *seek* our guidance when they
    really need it.

    Riding bicycles one day with my daughter, I was
    about to warn her as she approached a patch of loose
    gravel, but something in me said, “Button your lip,

    My gut told me there was no serious danger, and she
    stood to gain more whole-body wisdom by *feeling*
    the looseness of the gravel than by being made to
    *think* about it.

    As your child discovers his or her world, notice
    when you’re about to offer advice, ask yourself
    whether it’s really necessary, and trust *your*
    Inner Guidance.

  461.  #461ruth on December 18, 2012 at 1:19 pm

    Oh Starla
    I know thay say Blood is thicker than water an all that but I dont buy it
    what I have read here makes ne feel angry and sad
    God, I had issues with my folks but that sort ofthing, well, i would walk away
    you dont need it in your life you really dont
    and dont feel guilty, you are just taking care of yourself and your future children xxx

  462.  #462Daria on December 18, 2012 at 1:23 pm

    I’ve never heard a guy in sex, ‘I was so mad, she was just using me for her own pleasure’

  463.  #463ruth on December 18, 2012 at 1:23 pm

    I think you outgrew your mom starla

  464.  #464Daria on December 18, 2012 at 1:28 pm

    ‘Thatโ€™s what Slacker Skills are all about โ€“ knowing where to invest your time, energy and attention for the full benefit of the vibration.ย  To only take action when itโ€™s inspired. No matter how much sense it does or doesn’t make. ย Otherwise, youโ€™re not only wasting your time, but creating contrary energy that holds up your progress.

    Sometimes that inspiration takes us places we donโ€™t expect or canโ€™t explain.

    But following the feel good and tending the energy (rather than the action) is what itโ€™s all about.’

    ~ janette Maw

  465.  #465Starla on December 18, 2012 at 1:38 pm

    yeah, i would never bring my future children around my mom. she is dangerous. when i was 9, we got into an argument about if i could go outside to play, and she put a razor to her wrists and said she was going to kill herself because i didn’t love her enough to want to stay inside.

    this is just one example of many.

  466.  #466Tam on December 18, 2012 at 1:47 pm

    462 Daria…very funny. Neither have I!

  467.  #467Mercedes on December 18, 2012 at 2:01 pm

    462 Neither have I. I’m sure a woman can get plenty of one night stands that way….no issues there. Oh…she can also get booty calls and drunk texts and backup plan calls and even 2am doorbell rings. Plenty of men out there willing to sleep with a woman who’s using him. Plenty of them. I’ve actually seen evidence of it out here on the internet many, many times.

    Hopefully she doesn’t meet a man who started to have feelings for her when he found out he was being used. Hopefully she doesn’t decide she’s falling in love with him when she tells him he’s just being used. Hopefully the people involved have no feelings, emotions, love, concern or empathy for other human beings. If that’s the case, I’m sure all can work out for the very best and they, as a couple can last more than a week.

  468.  #468GlowStix on December 18, 2012 at 2:54 pm

    I would lean towards thinking that if a woman is ONLY using a man for sex, and desires no more than sex, then she might not be too worried that she’s only getting FWBs or one night stands. It’s what she is out to get.

    Rori is saying to shift your perspective of sex. To see that sex with a man can be a tool to heal ourselves if we know how to look at it the right way. If we’re contemplating sleeping with him, which OP seems to be doing, we can see it as beautiful, pleasurable and important to our process instead of something to be afraid of. She’s not advising women to go about harming men emotionally.

    Unless we are laying there like a wet carpet we ARE using a mans body to gain pleasure EVERY time we have sex. If a man is using sex to give us pleasure and we are receiving that we are using his body to gain pleasure. Would it feel better if I used the wort “utilize” instead? It’s all the same thing.

    It’s actually hard for me to wrap my brain around the concept of doing so maliciously. It doesn’t even compute! A woman capable of being malicious with sex and using men a)is unlikely to be on this site, and b) probably doesn’t need rori’s help in that area. She’s likely to have that down all on her own.

    This argument feels so…I dunno. Cyclical. Silly. Jumping right to the worst possible outcome, which is so unlikely it doesn’t even compute in my mind! And it feels like saying men need protection from a woman who might do this in this way.

  469.  #469Tam on December 18, 2012 at 3:01 pm

    468, exactly Miss Glowstyx ๐Ÿ˜‰

  470.  #470Starla on December 18, 2012 at 3:05 pm

    last night i went to the salon and got my hair dyed and did and my eyebrows did….

    and i feel so beautiful

    the chemical peel made my skin look the best it’s ever looked

    my teeth are all white now:)

    i’m 5 sizes smaller from when i was with QZ

    he is gonna be SHOCCCCKKKKED. or maybe he just remembers me as beautiful since he always thought iwas

    and i’m curious to see what kinds of men talk to me now that i look closer to a ’10’ now than a ‘0’

  471.  #471MovingMagic on December 18, 2012 at 3:58 pm

    I just canceled with a man who I’ve gone on two dates with. When the check came for dinner on our last date he looked at the check & let me know how much my total was. It was a huge turn off. He’s contacted me several times since then, & I just don’t feel inspired. I feel like I need a break.

  472.  #472GlowStix on December 18, 2012 at 4:07 pm


    Take good care of yourself!

  473.  #473Starla on December 18, 2012 at 4:13 pm

    movingmagic, seems like an opportunity to practice,

    “i feel confused right now… it feels so good when a man contacts me regularly and wants to see me, but i also feel bad paying on dates. i don’t need fancy things, but i’m just a girl here and it feels so much more romantic and relaxing when i don’t have to worry about this sort of thing..”

  474.  #474LoveAlways on December 18, 2012 at 4:41 pm


    So often my masculine energy takes charge and gets me through the day. I decided to lean back, step away and give myself some space to enhance my siren-ness!
    What I began to notice (and feel) was that my feminine energy was minimal! I wanted to feel more. . . whether it was pain or joy or whatever. But to understand what caused my masculine energy to take over a situation, a conversation, a moment. I still don’t have the answer, but being in touch with my feelings was not enough! I need to feel my feminine energy. It has not been easy, and that is why the marathon. It’s a constant issue – getting out of my thoughts and into my feminine energy and feelings. So now I’m up to speaking in my feminine energy – seems like when I’m talking a lot I’m in my masculine energy . . . just learned that this week!

  475.  #475LoveAlways on December 18, 2012 at 4:58 pm

    Burning white and purple candles for clarity and understanding. Pondered the universe and guides earlier today and decided it is the same as my understanding of angels and G0d as a child. It felt good to understand that in my own personal way. I am opened to getting my needs met now. I have not been getting my needs met since HScd and I broke up and that feels wrong – imbalanced. I’m ready to open up to the universe again and receive the satisfaction and goodness of getting my needs met, all of them, including s3x . . . I cannot ignore that need anymore. It felt negative and closed when I did. That is why this article triggered me when I read it, but in a good way. It really helped me on journey this week.

  476.  #476LoveAlways on December 18, 2012 at 5:00 pm

    I went through Modern Siren again and reviewed my workbook notes. “stay warm, open and present”

  477.  #477LoveAlways on December 18, 2012 at 5:01 pm

    Dating is
    seeing if you are on the same page
    and you are not invested or a participant (like in a marriage)

  478.  #478LoveAlways on December 18, 2012 at 5:04 pm

    QUESTION . . .

    How does a man feel needed?

  479.  #479Vi on December 18, 2012 at 5:15 pm

    I find myself at a place where sex with MH doesn’t feel casual to me anymore. I feel very scared and tensed up. Rory wouldn’t beat me up for my tense unusual feelings around sex, so I won’t too ๐Ÿ™‚

  480.  #480Vi on December 18, 2012 at 5:28 pm

    Actually ‘what would Rory say to me’ works as a tool for me and feels calming and always helpful, and as an alternative to my negative voice.. so I notice that my positive voice often sounds like Rory.. hehe.. I feel all giggly and embarrassed to write about it..

  481.  #481Dominique on December 18, 2012 at 5:33 pm

    Sorry Glowstix, for I don’t want to contradict you. I looked it up to be sure, for I questioned what I thought I knew it was. Wazoo is the butt or anus.


  482.  #482Femininewoman on December 18, 2012 at 5:42 pm

    LoveAlways I believe when we ask him to do things for us then exuberantly show appreciation when he is done

  483.  #483Dominique on December 18, 2012 at 5:43 pm

    ruth – 386 – please no sharing of process with him. doesn’t usually go well.


  484.  #484Popsicletoes53 on December 18, 2012 at 5:50 pm

    I think Rori’s advice was spot on… what a turn on for a man to turn you on… to me this is the epitome of leaning back.. In fact I am gonna try it.. leaning back and let it go.

    From my experiences… nothing turns a man on more than turning a woman on.. In fact most of the men I have known would rather give pleasure than receive it.. and when a women didn’t relax and let him guide her into ecstasy he felt like a failure. Sorry to all those who don’t agree with using a man’s body to attain an orgasm… in fact I think it compliments a man to allow him to turn you on that much.

    I have found in my sexual experiences I wanted to be in control.. that is why I gave pleasure so much.. and why it is easy for me to pleasure myself but so hard for me to let a man do it for me.. So now.. looking at it from his point of view… I was being masculine energy.. the giver when he really wanted to be the giver and me the receiver.. Oh yes men like to receive.. and do.. but I think it really is a huge boost to let him be the masculine energy… doesn’t mean you can’t but it does mean that he really likes it when we do.

    It is about giving up control…


  485.  #485Annie on December 18, 2012 at 5:54 pm

    Tam, I feel unimpressed with sarcasm but hey ho.

    I did actually say I felt open to learning more.
    So please feel free to Educate me more if you wish, like I said I am open to learning more.
    Do you think you and others are also open to learning more or does it feel better to you to use sarcasm with words like pleassssssse and be closed?

  486.  #486Dominique on December 18, 2012 at 5:55 pm

    Ruth – I applaud you. Awesome opening up and processing. I understand it feel horrible, yet it does get to feeling better. YAY you!!!


  487.  #487Dominique on December 18, 2012 at 5:56 pm

    Yes Popsicletoes, yes!!! – 484


  488.  #488Annie on December 18, 2012 at 6:02 pm

    316: GlowStix says:


    You are correct. Oxytocin is produced all the time. It behaves and is utilized by the central nervous system in a very similar way to seratonin.

    Uhhhโ€ฆItโ€™s too early for science lol But yeahโ€ฆItโ€™s not only produced during sex, orgasm, birth, and breastfeeding.”

    I believe that may be the case looking into it is SMALL amounts but not in BIG SURGES like AFTER/DURING orgasm breastfeeding and strong uterine contractions which are natures way of bonding a woman to a man and a woman to her child. Which also brings dopamine into play etc.

  489.  #489Goddess Lily on December 18, 2012 at 6:06 pm

    481 Dominique, I was thinking the same thing.


    (((((Ruth))))) I agree with Smile and Mel. I am loving me some Ruth today!

  490.  #490Annie on December 18, 2012 at 6:12 pm

    331: Femininewom says:

    “Ruth โ€“ Rori says when you are healing feelings show up. You might feel like you are falling over into a pit but when feelings starts coming up you are moving fprward.”

    That was very true for me FW and Ruth.
    It actually felt like an abyss at first especially with the anxiety that came up but then the feelings move forward and higher consciousness and awareness occured. The cycle repeated a few times with processing and the painful feeling becoming more bearable and quicker to shift and process.

  491.  #491Annie on December 18, 2012 at 6:21 pm

    468: GlowStix.

    IF FWB is what a woman wants and is right for her I do not believe there is a problem if she really wants that and is able to handle it.
    It is my belief that for most it isn’t and they are not being honest with themselves and I fell in agreement with Orna ans Mathew walters on this one.
    And in Beths case she claerly states that FWB is not what she desires her words were. “Iโ€™m hoping that Iโ€™m going to learn to be the kind of woman that a man this nice would want to spend the rest of his life with because I really donโ€™t want to die without having experienced true and satisfying love.”

  492.  #492Popsicletoes53 on December 18, 2012 at 6:27 pm

    Hey Starla,

    I don’t mean to pry about you and your mother but I wonder if some kind of codependent support group might help you as you learn how to detach from your mother… just a thought…

    I would be happy to recommend some great reading and helps.. I have been helped tremendously by that approach.. in my toxic relationships.

    Sometimes as Ruth said you have to detach… I learned that was detaching with love and you can get to the place where you are absolutely neutral about her behavior… it takes work but it is well worth it.. because the neutral stance does not judge it just detaches with love…

  493.  #493Annie on December 18, 2012 at 6:30 pm

    From Orna and Mathew walters.

    2. If you engage in sex as a “friends with benefits” situation – STOP! If you truly desire LOVE, then settle for nothing less than that. Energetically giving yourself to someone physically actually blocks you from receiving what your heart desires. (We have no judgement for those who aren’t looking for love to have sex, safe sex, with all those they feel safe with.)

    And for Beth that is what she states she desired LOVE.

  494.  #494Annie on December 18, 2012 at 6:37 pm

    I totally get the surrendering giving up control and receiving love from a man letting me give pleasure.

    It is just it needs to be the right man for me not any old Tom Dick or Harry who has proven that he will care for my heart with his actions as I am not able personally to compartmentalize sex and not get my heart involved.

  495.  #495Annie on December 18, 2012 at 6:39 pm

    *me receive and him give pleasure.

  496.  #496Annie on December 18, 2012 at 6:42 pm

    So if you aren’t looking for love and commitment and just want sex I would say go for it have fun and lots of pleasure.

    So to me the question is what are you looking for and wanting?

  497.  #497Sensiouswoman on December 18, 2012 at 6:45 pm

    I am trying to change my posting name… lets see if this works… formerly *Popsicletoes*

  498.  #498LoveAlways on December 18, 2012 at 6:58 pm

  499.  #499GlowStix on December 18, 2012 at 7:06 pm

    I’m not sure if you’re still talking to me, annie? or the general board?

    For me, I handled FWB quite nicely when that was what I wanted. When I wanted more I said I was looking for more and felt accepting of whatever a man wanted and said about it. I have had struggles, yet this hasn’t been one for me. And the only 2 men I have ever fallen in love with have committed to me. One with 8 years of his life, and a ring, one with his heart and body. There was a third man in my teenage years who was gay. We loved each other no less, however, and still do.

    It’s not really up to anyone else to say if I am being “true to myself”. Nor do I remember using sarcasm? Maybe that wasn’t directed at me.

    Anyway…Don’t like being in my “brain” on here.

  500.  #500Daria on December 18, 2012 at 7:10 pm

    When I feel respected and honored I feel Safe. And I feel comfortable to open up to connect and feel pleasure and joy.

    I can always respect and honor myself.

  501.  #501Annie on December 18, 2012 at 7:30 pm

    498: GlowStixsays:

    “Iโ€™m not sure if youโ€™re still talking to me, annie? or the general board?”

    Which post Glowstix are you referring too?

    “For me, I handled FWB quite nicely when that was what I wanted. When I wanted more I said I was looking for more and felt accepting of whatever a man wanted and said about it. I have had struggles, yet this hasnโ€™t been one for me. And the only 2 men I have ever fallen in love with have committed to me. One with 8 years of his life, and a ring, one with his heart and body. There was a third man in my teenage years who was gay. We loved each other no less, however, and still do.

    Itโ€™s not really up to anyone else to say if I am being โ€œtrue to myselfโ€. Nor do I remember using sarcasm? Maybe that wasnโ€™t directed at me.

    Anywayโ€ฆDonโ€™t like being in my โ€œbrainโ€ on here.”

    No sarcasm was not directed at you.
    I feel unheard as I actually said If FWB and sex is what a woman really wants then it isn’t really a problem as each to their own. So I feel happy that worked for you. But believe MOST women do not really desire that and are not emotionally and hormonally ABLE to handle that. And
    IN BETHS case this is not what she clearly stated she desired.
    And then asked so the question is what do you want?
    Directed at the individual to honestly ask and answer themselves. Not to answer me per say.
    And then decide for themselves what action they think is in their best interest to match their desire.

  502.  #502Annie on December 18, 2012 at 7:39 pm

    Isn’t that why we are all here at the end of the day to individually reconnect with our higher selves and journey inwards, awaken, raise consciousness, heal from our unhealthy subconscious love imprint to discover what we all individually want and is right for us and to consciously choose something that is better an individually just right for us? Like Roris book says Have the realtionship you want.

    So here is wishing everyone the best in that journey and unique discovery. X

  503.  #503Tereana on December 18, 2012 at 7:46 pm

    Starla – oh, biggest hugs to you and your experience with your mom. That sounds just awful. So bad it would be like the worst reality tv show, ever. But it would get such good ratings. Ha! But seriously. I’ve always had a stressful relationship with my mom. She does try to improve herself, and she’s not actually a bad person or underhanded. Her worst offense is that she is often unaware of how she is behaving. But to me, all these experiences give us the opportunity to truly value ourselves. You were emancipated as a teenager. You definitely do value yourself! You rock!!!

  504.  #504MovingMagic on December 18, 2012 at 7:46 pm

    Starla, I agree that this would be an amazing opportunity to use a feeling message! I also feel like part of the process of circular dating is to honor our own feelings. I don’t feel very attracted to him, & in no way do I want to lead him on. Also, I have alot going on emotionally. Alot of fear, & sadness with my moms health issue.

  505.  #505Tereana on December 18, 2012 at 7:49 pm

    Some men do and can be used by a woman for sex, and it can hurt them as well. It’s not as common, but some men have trouble trusting women about this. And usually it is more that the woman is after something else and using sex as a means to get that thing. So I guess “using for sex” is pretty harmless for a guy, strictly speaking. But using sex to get something else scares them, because they are so vulnerable. Their sex drive can overtake them and lead them into the situation without thinking. And the woman might be after money, prestige, or even use the man to get herself pregnant without his consent. And this is not that uncommon.

    It’s sad that some women will do this. But behavior like that is well-documented in both literature and real life….

  506.  #506Annie on December 18, 2012 at 8:07 pm


    “Some men do and can be used by a woman for sex, and it can hurt them as well.”

    If a man was taking full responsibility for his own feelings on that one he would get to know the real woman first before getting to enjoy and have fun with her body.
    And put something on the end of it, if he wants to minimize risk of pregnancy
    It’s not rocket science.
    His feelings belong to him and he is responsible for them no one else.

  507.  #507GlowStix on December 18, 2012 at 8:25 pm

    I feel uninspired and irritated. Rigid and sharp and pointy.I feel sad and soft and mushy. I wil take care of you stix. Go home tomorrow and bask in aloneness and and relaxation.

  508.  #508GlowStix on December 18, 2012 at 8:28 pm

    Stretched thin and stopped short. I am doing too much here. The cure for doing too much, is doing nothing at all. Being in a home I own. Remembering I “owe” nothing right now.

  509.  #509Antonia on December 18, 2012 at 8:37 pm

    Sad to read all the mom stuff.. I was actually wondering to myself why I seem to be attracted to mysoginists basically.. And it occurred to that maybe I have a problem with women too bc of my mom.. She was in and out of 3 or 4 institutions when I was a child. I think or feel? I may have this in need to bond with someone over this but being with a man who doesn’t really like women it definitely not the answer. I’ve also managed to not have very close relationships with women I’m now realizing this maybe reason. It leaves me feeling pretty alone. I really want to heal this and trust and make some happy experiences to build a foundation on.