Sex, Love, Relationship and Marriage – You Have To Go First – #3 in the Sex and Re-Commitment Series

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How do you go first to deepen intimacy when you’re working with the experience of sex?

Without initiating? Without doing ANYTHING?

You open up, baby step by baby step – and see what he does.

Even if he does NOTHING – you watch.

You smile. You melt. You are warm. You unzip your heart. You open.

If he can hold the space, if he can open up and then give to you, facilitate your opening up even more – then you’ve got a winner here.

And…then ON to more baby-steps!

If he continually moves backward – you are forced to step backward.

You are forced to step back and see what he does.

And here’s the trick – if you can step back but NOT close down…just stay open and see what happens…you will get more out of each baby-step.

You will slowly discover the abilities of the man you’re with – and if he just can’t do it – you will grow bored. Yes, you will. Sex will stop it’s wonderfulness.

If he slowly increases his ability to hold a space for intimacy, to lean forward towards you when you’re open instead of stepping back…then you’ll feel more excited and more LOVE for him.

If a man is intensely always leaning toward you – it will scare you – and you’ll have to share that with him so he can facilitate you better.

All this is to open up the possibilty for you that sex isn’t about what you think it’s about.

Sex is not an end, and it’s not a means to a relationship goal with a man.

It’s an experience of the moment that can be meaningful and powerful and profound and passionate or juicy or fun – depending on how YOU feel about it in that moment.

And if you see it as a possiblity for ALL of this…then you can baby-step your way into your ABILITY to do intimacy THROUGH sex.

So – again – the goal is not the result, but the experience.

No matter what a man says – it’s the same for him.

Let me know how this bends your mind!

Love, Rori

 

 

 

 

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718 Comments

  1.  #1diamond on June 2, 2010 at 3:00 pm

    Sex has always scared me, through some pretty severe abuse in childhood. It’s always been like you say, a goal, or a means to an end (getting him to love me, which has failed), or an obligation. I really like this article … I hope someday I can see this as something that feels good to me. Right now I feel anxious just thinking about it.



  2.  #2Katie on June 2, 2010 at 3:14 pm

    Thanks Rori – you put it across in words so well, so clear.
    Sex with ex may or may not happen, but interaction still does and this post#3 describes perfectly the process of any reconnection on any scale of intimacy.

    ” And here’s the trick – if you can step back but NOT close down…just stay open and see what happens…you will get more out of each baby-step”.

    I have a real problem with stepping back and NOT closing down – because I keep reconnecting to the past with him. Staying open in the moment allows me to leave go of the past!



  3.  #3Eslyn on June 2, 2010 at 3:53 pm

    My problem is the opposite of what most experience. My man is a virgin in his 40’s and has decided, after coming extremely close to making love with me, that he wants to wait now ’til marriage. We’re not talking about marriage though (after 1-1/2 yrs) and he says it’s because of his religeon (not sure where the religeon was those first few months when we came that close….

    I know he loves me. What’s going on?



  4.  #4Lizzie on June 2, 2010 at 4:02 pm

    This is brilliant! Thank you!

    So – I had a message from my new beau Family Man for date #4. I leaned back and what do you know, he leaned forward and has orchestrated everything – I am feeling excited and warm and cared for – soooo lovely. This is how it all came together.

    A few days ago I had had a casual message from him to which I had responded I was on my way to pick up my daughter from a swim competition as she thought she had broken a toe. Right away, he send back a message asking that I keep him posted on progress. I was just blown away! In all my dating, I have not had a man in my life who had much interest in my kids and certainly not this early in a new relationship. So in my note back to him, I wrote “I feel your tender care – so touching for me, thank you”. Over the next day I just dropped a note about our toe-progress as he had requested, nothing more. I heard nothing for a few days, then the invite! For a few days from now, golf, drinks and he will make dinner, and how did that sound for me? To which I responded that it felt like heaven.

    The old me, would never have gotten that far – I would have tried to engage in much much more conversation and I would have offered to help, to bring something, to book the T-time etc. Now I can feel how controlling that is – I never even noticed before and I would say I am the least controlling person I know. What an amazing switch to see how it all is in the context of masculine and feminine energy.

    I feel he will create a safe and tender loving space for me. This is amazing – I can actually feel that a safe a loving environment is there for me. His kiss is the most tender I have ever experienced and to me that is the gateway to everything else. I am ready to practice this one….I am so loving this – it feels like I am opening up to experience life. I feel liberated.



  5.  #5Siena on June 2, 2010 at 4:54 pm

    It bends my mind so much that I don’t understand it – haha!

    Here’s where I feel like a total newbie, and it’s something that I’ll have to experience to understand, I guess.

    Ah well, for now I’ll just take your word for it Rori and next time the opp presents itself, will practice opening up and step back instead of backing up and closing down…



  6.  #6Gizelle on June 2, 2010 at 5:05 pm

    Oh WOW Lizzie,

    I felt so comforted and gentle by your post. I hope your daughter’s toe gets better. I long for that kind of tenderness. That was so endearing to read. Wishing you the best of luck with all this.



  7.  #7Jennifer on June 2, 2010 at 5:35 pm

    I love this post.
    I love the idea that sex can be an EXPERIENCE to make US feel better. US. It can be about US.
    We can learn about us…and have fun and just experience it.
    I know not everyone will be in the head space of this but I LOVE it.
    It feels like REAL feminine power to me.
    I like idea that Rori puts forward that we can do this depending on how we feel in the moment. Not how we think we should feel. She asks us to be really honest with ourselves.
    We are not trying to trade sex for “forever after” here. We are engaging in experience for the sake of experience….provided we can handle it.
    Out at the local watering hole with money friend, some random dude asked her to go home with him. She said no, so he turned to me and said “how about you?” I said..”forget it pal”
    Money friend said to me in the cab home “why didn’t you take him home, he was cute.” I said ” It didn’t feel right. I wasn’t the first choice.”
    THAT felt like real power. The ability and where for all to look at a situation and say “This isn’t for me…I want more or different”
    I am woman here me roar,
    ROFLMAO!



  8.  #8Daria on June 2, 2010 at 5:40 pm

    Jennifer — rrooooarrr! we are lionesses in the savannah



  9.  #9Lucy on June 2, 2010 at 5:46 pm

    Jennifer, I love what you said to your money friend. <3



  10.  #10Jilly on June 2, 2010 at 5:56 pm

    i love this! yes..for some reason i need to keep hearing that it’s ok to step back and stay open…I feel that whenever I’ve stepped back in the past I felt I needed to close down ALL communication and basically move to another planet…lol
    Lizzie…I loved your post ;)…and for some reason it triggered a protective response towards you…like don’t be too happy too soon…I feel curious about this…I think it’s a mirror to me that I still have walls up around my heart making sure I don’t get hurt/too close. Good for you for using the tools! That’s exciting when you see them working 😉
    interesting….



  11.  #11Jennifer on June 2, 2010 at 6:06 pm

    Daria
    I’ve been thinking about your bladder issue. Infact, I dreamed about it. Can you list your symptoms for me?
    Please feel free to email me if you don’t feel comfortable here.
    Girls,
    I signed up for eharmony. So now I can see all the pics. And I don’t feel good about it. Why are all the guys so poorly photographed? But if this is a mirror, why am I so poorly photographed? Money friend hates the pic of me in the cow girl hat.
    I’m considering heavily the idea of having photos done professionally. It might cost some $..and I’m trying to save up for a new apt. But I feel really indulgent thinking about having a photo session all for me.
    And having fantastic photos all for me OF fanstastic me.
    What do you guys think?



  12.  #12Daria on June 2, 2010 at 6:20 pm

    Jennifer – absolutely yes GET PHOTOS DONE!!



  13.  #13Daria on June 2, 2010 at 6:25 pm

    regarding the uti thingy

    guess what – What im doing now seems to be WORKING

    which is upping hte Echinacea tincture – 4 dropper fulls at a time, several times a day along with the Usnea

    and also several times a day a cup of Uva Ursi tea (this is what’s really working)

    my simptoms are that my pee is not quite looking normal – its like either too clear or the yellowness sinks to the bottom… and the temperature is a lil cool also

    ohhh i feel weird now – since you said i don’t feel comfortable and instead im writing it here

    i do feel comfortable… i feel ashamed of feeling excited to write this “tmi” stuff about myself

    thank you feelingss

    ok

    so yeah thats basically my symptoms

    the other symptoms are – feeling almost like… there is a lil pee still left in my urethra

    and sometimes achy bladder and maybe lil squeeze feelings in the bladder

    also lil squeeze feelings in the kidneys sometimes – though these have improved much

    yup very light symptoms – but i KNOW it wasnt 100%… I WANT 100% healthy pee

    Yellow! is my healthy color that i’m using with my mind right now



  14.  #14Simply Shannon on June 2, 2010 at 6:54 pm

    I feel relieved and surprised that this isn’t triggering me like the previous sex post did. This post is all about NOT having sex because HE wants me to or I think I’ll lose him if I don’t or whatever blah, blah reason I make up in my head. If it feels good and safe to ME, then and only then should I have sex.

    For me personally, I don’t feel good about sex outside of marriage. I’ve done it but it doesn’t feel good afterward. This place feels unfamiliar and weird. Will I never have sex again until I’m married? I don’t know. I feel bad even writing that but God knows my heart. He knows my struggles. I feel okay.

    Woohoo! I feel relieved I can breath as I’m writing this. The last post made me want to scream! 😉



  15.  #15Simply Shannon on June 2, 2010 at 6:58 pm

    Rori and everyone: I’m struggling with leaning back versus shutting down. Someone mentioned wanting to run away to another planet and that’s kind of how I’m feeling. Well, not really. It’s not as intense as that. It just feels weird to end things with a boy. Or basically to say “I don’t want this” after dating a man for nearly 6 months.

    I don’t remember ever breaking up with anyone. I was always the dump-ee, never the dump-er.

    Maybe that’s the message… to just let go when it feels bad? I’m struggling here. Ideas?



  16.  #16Lizzie on June 2, 2010 at 8:06 pm

    Thank you Jilly
    I am learning and practising becoming aware of feeling and allowing the complexity of feeling – sensation and emotion – to inform in a better way – I experience it as sensations and want to attend to them more effectively. Like to identify them – move away from judgement because my first reaction is “oh no!” when really, many of the feelings and sensations are quite lovely and when I do that, the anxiety moves away very quickly. Let me try to demonstrate the process.

    Upon reading your comment, I had mixed message feelings.

    first reaction – it feels really nice my words mean something
    second reaction – oh! I am feeling judgment
    next – why am I judging myself? that is dumb –
    next – there I just judged myself – I took it from you (giving a judgment that does not exist power) and made it mine all the while you did not judge me!
    next – let it flow through me – how lovely, I am feeling care kindness and openness
    next – oh my goodness, I am not used to feeling care kindness and openness – it is not my regular script; my regular script is “not good enough” and “I don’t deserve….”
    next – HOLLY MOLLY! look how much power I gave that!!!
    next – OK girl, that wonderful feeling of care and kindness from Jilly and Gizelle feels beautiful. I want to hold on to that beautiful energy just a little bit longer – let it flow into me and feed my soul

    Thank you Jilly and Gizelle you have helped me learn something really important



  17.  #17Jilly on June 2, 2010 at 8:24 pm

    Lizzie…I liked that demonstration…I find it amazing what I notice when I start paying attention to the scripts I play over and over…and then I’m like…hey I don’t actually have to go there 😉 I feel that’s amazing

    Jennifer…I’m not sure if it’s a mirror about eharmony…I feel the same way…actually I’m rarely attracted to the men who message me on there (not sure what that means lol)….on Modern Siren one woman mentioned that she was on 3 dating websites so I did the same thing..I’m on match and pof too…and I’m finding the most connection on pof and I did what Mary said she did…I did bare minimum photos and message where on the other two I really put a lot of effort into what I wanted to say…go figure…just sharing my experience 😉



  18.  #18lm on June 2, 2010 at 8:37 pm

    i am just starting to circular date and i feel terrified! i don’t think i’ve been on a date in my life outside of a relationship…

    just wanted to share! gah!



  19.  #19Tina on June 2, 2010 at 10:59 pm

    SS, have you told him your “I dont wants” since your going to dump him anyway what the heck , give it a try 🙂



  20.  #20Daria on June 2, 2010 at 11:35 pm

    im feeling so lonely!

    im looking at this video of people sitting down on bleachers and listening to music with other people and i feel jealous

    i feel angry too that people “think its bad” or a waste of time to connect with people this way – just a thought that comes up for me

    i feel lonely

    i feel sorry for myself that i spent so many years wanting to have this feeling

    then i had it

    and now i dont

    and i dont want to go thru more years of feeling so lonely

    i want to go out right now but i know no place to go

    i feel like i did / do / would if everyones going to the party but me

    i feel sad

    i feel frustrated and ANGRY that EFT hasnt seemed to be working for me lately

    i feel tense in weird places

    hmm

    ohhh agian i ate stuff that wasnt 100% balanced for me

    makes sense – eat that == feel down

    aha



  21.  #21Daria on June 2, 2010 at 11:40 pm

    i feel guilty and removed when i see this one girl who i used to hang out wiht’s facebook updates,

    because i said something to her that was truthful yet i think it came out insensitively

    and here i feel all isolated

    i feel like everyones doing well on one side of the island and im on the craggy rocks on the other side of the island making storms

    i feel afriad of feeling judged and i feel isolated

    i feel like everyones afraid of me

    i feel weird

    clearly im triggered about some stuff and i love my feelings

    i feel sad and afraid and alone i feel left out i feel jealous

    i love my feelings

    and that feels like a squeeze in my kidney
    YELLO!! bam

    i love my squeeze and my yello and that feels like a lil smile

    oh yeah

    whats something i like about myself?

    my Strength

    ok

    whats something else i like

    my glossy hair

    what else do i like

    my nice butt rite now

    what else

    my beautiful painted toes

    what else

    my very sharp mind

    what else do i like

    my tight pussy

    lol

    what else do i like

    my refusal to go for shame

    what else do i like

    my creativity

    what else do i like

    my tummy

    what else do i like

    how quick my body reacts to exercise

    yum

    i love me!



  22.  #22tallgirl10 on June 3, 2010 at 4:38 am

    SS – your post resonates with me.

    I feel sick because guess who did not call.

    I do not want to be in an interaction where I am walking on egg shells

    I do not want to be in an interaction where I am a text buddy

    I do not want to be in an interaction that stalls again after two or three dates

    I do not want to be in an interaction that is not growing

    I feel sad. I feel lonely. I feel rejected. I feed sick.

    I feel like I made a mistake to tell him to call me.



  23.  #23Brenda on June 3, 2010 at 5:10 am

    Hi Tallgirl, I have felt all those feelings and I feel ya. I bet you a nickel he will call you! Focus on you! Do something you like! Meet a new man! Easier said than done, I know!

    I’m back to Ryan testing me. He tested me and tested me in the past. He called me Tuesday night while I was taking a nap, for the first time in months. I called him back about an hour later and left a voicemail.

    He didn’t call me back last night, and, based on my experience with him, he’s probably testing me to be sure I’m not going to smother him with my overfunctioning, like I did in the past, out of my extreme insecurity.

    I am finally relaxed with leaning back where he’s concerned, and not contacting him, even tho I miss him. But when he picks up straight away with testing, I feel not-so-enthused. I was hoping for a fresh start in a new friendship with him.

    So when he does finally call again, whether that’s tonight, this weekend, or next week, what do I do or say or not do or say? I am thinking of delaying returning his call for as long as he delays his next call after the Tuesday call. But is that closing rather than remaining open?

    I admit I did it to myself by overfunctioning, but I feel disrespected when he calls, I call him back, and then he doesn’t call back. And I am more than fed up with his testing. I feel so distrusted, and he has more serious trust issues than anyone I ever met. It feels icky and draining to be endlessly tested.

    Yes, he’s a toxic man, but I am working with him, because I have deep understanding of schizophrenia after studying it for over a year as a result of knowing him. I at least want to give him another chance while CDing.

    I am wide open to suggestions. Should I take his call when he finally gets around to calling back? If so, what should I say?



  24.  #24tallgirl10 on June 3, 2010 at 5:33 am

    Brenda,

    I tend to this that if you really think this man is toxic, then you should not do anything with him. he should be winning you, not vice versa. but also remember, he is not your boyfriend, so he does not need to act like one.

    I know text guy will call, I am just not sure he will want to go out, and that is what I really want. how will i handle it if he does not?



  25.  #25tatter on June 3, 2010 at 5:35 am

    My boyfriend and we have been dating for two years and I think I’m ready to have sex with him. What should I do!….



  26.  #26david on June 3, 2010 at 5:41 am

    Tatter, i think you should tell him how you feel. if you guys have been dating for 2 years then i think he might be ready too…. dont be pushy, just tell him how you feel!



  27.  #27Brenda on June 3, 2010 at 5:49 am

    Tallgirl,

    In the beginning of my relationship with Ryan, December 2008, he did all the calling. I didn’t even think he wanted anything beyond friendship, because I’m 15 yrs older than him. Then as I realized the interest was mutual, and I began to fall in love with him, all my insecurities surfaced, and I began to call him, scared to death he wouldn’t call.

    In the long term, I did a lot of damage to the relationship by overfunctioning. I was new to Rori’s tools at the time, and I just couldn’t stop. Also, my emotions were so intense for him.

    I had the same things running thru my mind over and over. I understand how you feel. Check out the tailend of the last string on sex. Shannon got it going with how she already stated to Mr. Fab Kisser that she doesn’t like electronic communication. A number of people, including myself, chimed in about different ways to handle it.

    As for my current thing, I am not going to write him off. The meaning of schizophrenia is split personality. One side of him is toxic, but the other side of him, the REAL him, is very soft-hearted and respects women highly. I believe this in my middle. I can’t expect everyone else to understand it.

    But the heart has reasons that reason doesn’t comprehend.

    I am giving him another chance.

    So when Ryan calls back, do you think I should say anything about his ongoing testing or just let it go? Or not take his call for a few days AFTER he calls back?



  28.  #28Lizzie on June 3, 2010 at 5:52 am

    Brenda
    I am filled with hope for you to find a loving man who will value and cherish you. No man has a right to “test” you. What on earth is that all about??? Feels like giving your power away – all of it – your feminine power and your boy power. Beign tested feels like selfish, control, manipulation, anger, and maybe even hate. The experience of love and care is energy creating and life giving. This guy is not giving – he is a thief. What do you hope to accomplish by “giving him a chance”? Might it be more worthwhile to give yourself a chance?



  29.  #29Brenda on June 3, 2010 at 6:08 am

    Lizzie,

    He went through some serious trauma at age 15. I have corresponded with people in prison for 21 years, people known to be distrustful, and I never meet anyone anywhere near as distrustful as Ryan. He won’t tell me what happened, but I am guessing, by putting two and two together, that a woman sexually abused him at age 15. He is VERY guarded in bed, and just puts up a complete wall most of the time.

    I have known him for going on three years. Just know that a complex, long term relationship cannot be summed up nor discarded in one or two paragraphs. Schizophrenia is about the most severe form of mental illness. I have studied it in depth. I would never marry Ryan until he was free of it. In the meantime, I am open to being his friend. He has no other friends, because it affects him that deeply. I feel judged. I don’t expect you to understand, but please know he has some very beautiful qualities for me to continue to care and love him the way I do.

    I know being tested is not cool. Nevermind, I guess this is something I just have to work thru on my own. I am not blind to what I am doing. But I have spent hundreds of hours with him, and I know the beauty inside him, beyond the schizophrenia.



  30.  #30Simply Shannon on June 3, 2010 at 6:10 am

    Brenda, I probably wouldn’t bring up him testing you but you could say “I felt disappointed that I called and you didn’t call back”. I dunno. Something about this feels like you’re making an assumption about something he’s doing. I know you have experience with him but sometimes experience can backfire on us. It makes us choose our normal response rather than look at things in a new light. He called. That’s different. So maybe his not-calling had a different/ non-testing reason?

    Just an observation.



  31.  #31Brenda on June 3, 2010 at 6:14 am

    Shannon, THANK YOU VERY MUCH! I think your simple feeling message is perfecto, and I think you are right. I shouldn’t assume he is testing me. Who knows? Maybe he was sick? or his cell phone was broken? I can’t know, really. And, I admit, assuming that HAS backfired on me before, cuz he denies it. But I have seen enuff of his track record to know I’m right. I will just say that I felt disappointed. It doesn’t get overly dramatic, yet it keeps conversation open while letting him know it wasn’t cool to just leave me hanging yet again. I like it.



  32.  #32Brenda on June 3, 2010 at 6:17 am

    Here, I tweaked it a little…

    I feel happy to hear you, and I felt disappointed that I returned your call and you didn’t call back.

    Does that work?



  33.  #33Lizzie on June 3, 2010 at 6:20 am

    Brenda,
    I feel and see a difficult path before you. Be his loving and trusted best friend. And to do that, find a loving partner who looks after you – it isn’t Ryan. CD practice being open to new men who will truly love you without all the conditions that go with mental illness. Healthiness in your real love life will give you the emotional energy you need to be a friend of Ryan. He will always “take” from you and will only be able to give you tiny gifts here and there – that is not a life sustaining partner relationship- but it could be friendship. Move forward with a free heart, you deserve real love.



  34.  #34Brenda on June 3, 2010 at 6:43 am

    Lizzie, thank you! That is what I have decided to do. I also believe in miracles, and I will keep him at friendship level until his miracle comes through. For now, I am determined to CD. But you are right that he is incapable of doing much giving at present.



  35.  #35lynn on June 3, 2010 at 7:16 am

    Ok, this hits home for me and I need help ASAP. I have been married for 17 years and we are in a rough spot and have been for almost 2 years now. I am trying to use the tools now and see if this helps my marriage. I have been trying to lean back which is sooo very hard for me..old habits are hard to break. Anyways my delima is I feel like things are shaken up a bit – good and bad since I’m changing my behavior, he has been staring at me alot kinda like “what the…” look on his face…like for example he told me yesterday he was going away for the weekend fishing , now this hurts me because if I was in his head wouldn’t he want to spend it with me?? But I didn’t say anything but ok..that sounds like fun..so he had dinner cooked when I got home from work yesterday (he had worked too) and then he said he was gonna wash his clothes for the trip and I said “ok” and he said do you think I should pack Thursday night instead of Friday after work/” I said “I guess..I probally would so I didn’t forget anything..you’ll have more time that way” and my daughter said”mom why don’t you pack his stuff for him/” and I said ” I know he can handle it..he’s a big boy” and he just smiled at me….wow was what I thought! I would have before and never realized this was controlling behavior but it worked. Ok so as for our sex life I have been trying the unzipping thing and I gave him a blow job a couple nights ago during foreplay which has gotten alot A L O T longer everytime and it blew him away…since then he is asking me to do that again and I said last night ” I don’t feel like I want to do that tonight” and he was like “ok”…should I do it when he asks or isn’t he suppost to be wanting to do things to me instead…I’m confused…PLEASE help me!!!!



  36.  #36Rachel on June 3, 2010 at 7:46 am

    I’ve recently been in a relationship that was sex only. I started to feel like a whore when I was getting calls at all hours to go over. I did tell him this how I felt but he told me not to feel that way & that is not what he thought of me. However, I just couldn’t help the feelings & now it’s over. I really wanted to see if this could have turned into more of a relationship, because he seems like someone I could be with long term. Guess now I’ll never know. Did I make a mistake???



  37.  #37Lizzie on June 3, 2010 at 7:49 am

    Lynn – you are so fabulous!
    Rush out and buy this book for him and pack it into his fishing suitcase –
    Title: She Comes First, by Ian Kerner – this one is for the guy to read and practice
    At the same time, get the other book for you: He Comes Next, by Ian Kerner (I have this one and it is outstanding)
    I was married for 17 years to a gay man – I had no idea what pleasure was….well, I am learning….and it is fantastic!



  38.  #38Brenda on June 3, 2010 at 7:58 am

    Lynn, Thanks for sharing! Sounds like you are making some really positive strides in your marriage! When I am in bed with a man and he is seeking pleasure, while leaving me untouched, I say something like this, “It would feel so good if you ______ me right now!” or “Remember when you _____ me? Oooh, that felt so good! I would love it if you did that again!”



  39.  #39Tallgirl10 on June 3, 2010 at 7:59 am

    Brenda,

    What do you want from Ryan? Do you want to be with him again?

    If he is only treating you like a friend, and you want more, we know that Rori says to get the heck out.

    If you want more and he is dipping his toe in, then you can be more upfront.

    However, I do not think that him not calling back is a major offense. I usually think 24-48 hours before you should be calling him out on not calling you back.



  40.  #40Brenda on June 3, 2010 at 8:00 am

    Lizzie, those books sound really good! I wrote them down to check them out! I also saved what you wrote me about Ryan. I hear you, and even tho I intend to continue the friendship, constructive comments like you make really help me see the relationship more objectively, and in a more healthy way. Thanks again!



  41.  #41Simply Shannon on June 3, 2010 at 8:00 am

    Lynn: I think what you said was fine. Maybe” It would feel so good to be intimate with you but I don’t feel interested in doing that. What do you think?”

    Do you know why you didn’t want to do it? Feeling tired? What were you feeling? Those are the words you should use.

    And I disagree with Lizzie. I wouldn’t buy a man a book. can you imagine what he’s thinking when he opens his fishing bag and finds basically a sex manual? I’d be thinking “gosh, he must think I suck in bed if he’s putting a book in my bag”. And what guy would read about that? He’s more likely to want “on the job” training. 🙂 Now, I’m all for buying a book for me…



  42.  #42Brenda on June 3, 2010 at 8:12 am

    Tallgirl, thanks for your feedback…I missed it until just now. Until Ryan is free of schizophrenia, I only want to be friends with him. At the same time, I am still in love with him. I will only let that love show if he is free.

    In the meantime, I am fine with being just his friend. Because he has mental illness, I see it as an unusual case. I think he needs all the friends he can get, because he has next to none.



  43.  #43Brenda on June 3, 2010 at 8:14 am

    Tallgirl, PS, that also helps about 2 days not calling back not a big offense. I needed to know that.



  44.  #44Tallgirl10 on June 3, 2010 at 8:21 am

    Brenda,

    I think you are saying one thing and feeling another.

    You do not owe him friendship, and I want you to look really deep inside if you are actually being friends so you can keep him around because you are in love with him. That sounds very unhealthy.

    The reason why I question it, is that your expectations sound a lot like a romantic relationship, not like a friendship. If I contacted a friend, and they did not call me back, then I would never analyze it.

    Calls are not the same as texts. Texts – 24 hours, calls 48 hours….



  45.  #45Brenda on June 3, 2010 at 8:23 am

    Off the subject of men and dating, I feel really upset, like my life is imploding. It’s been a year since my last vacation, and I NEED one. I messed my account up really bad with automatic drafts, and I’ve been bouncing stuff left and right for the last month. I am getting close to closing my account, but I had to handle it carefully.

    I feel unable to concentrate, and I am also concerned about my Mom, who is in a nursing home. She moved there from her apartment at the end of Feb. I had just moved at the end of Jan. I have had an injured hip (S-I joint to be exact), and I have been unpacking very slowly, since I have had to sit or lie down a lot. Now that I am almost settled in my new home, I am facing moving again, both me and my Mom.

    She is extremely unhappy at the nursing home, and she is crying every time I turn around to take her back after an outing. She just wants to have a home again, and to be with family (ie, me). I couldn’t say no to her after all she’s sacrificed for me all her life. I love her so much, and she’s one of my absolute best friends.

    I feel the strain already of how much it’s going to drain me physically, emotionally, and at least initially, financially, to put out another security deposit. I am verifying with my employment agency if I have paid vacation time coming, and if I do, I’m going to take a week off next week, just to catch up on myself.

    I escape to Siren Island, and I like it here. But I am neglecting a lot of responsibilities cuz I feel overwhelmed and can’t concentrate with the mountain of issues facing me. Ugh.



  46.  #46Brenda on June 3, 2010 at 8:26 am

    Tallgirl, you are talking with the Queen of Overfunctioning here!!! I practically killed our relationship over the last year or so from contacting him waaaay too much. I am emotionally needy, and I am in love with him. I don’t deny that.

    I also care for him, even if the above weren’t true. I don’t see anything unhealthy with being friends with a man while he works thru issues.

    If you were talking with Ryan right now, given what you know about him, would you tell him, “Ryan, you have schizophrenia. Therefore, you are not worthy of romance, ever, and not even friendship from any woman”?



  47.  #47Brenda on June 3, 2010 at 8:32 am

    PS…just to give you an idea, he told me he introduced himself to women at restaurants and 6 different times the woman said something like, “Dude, you’re freaking me out! I gotta get out of here!”

    I was one of the very few women he was able to connect with, and I wasn’t scared off from the very visible symptoms of schizophrenia, since I had worked with mentally handicapped, emotionally disturbed kids in the past.

    He laughs inappropriately, makes weird eye movements and hand gestures, and paces the floor wildly at times. And that’s just the beginning.

    This same man has genius level intelligence and high respect and admiration for women. He is fascinating in conversation and has deep, deep understanding of psychology and emotions.

    I care about me, but I care about him, too.



  48.  #48dorothea on June 3, 2010 at 8:36 am

    brenda, i get what u r saying about this man’s great qualities (i’m attracted to geniuses too) but we can’t choose any one man over our happily ever after.

    his great qualities mean nothing for us when his fundamental flaw is not loving us the way we deserve.



  49.  #49Brenda on June 3, 2010 at 8:38 am

    Dorothea, thanks for your feedback. I am not going to marry him unless he gets free of schizophrenia. I am just being a friend to him.



  50.  #50Kiki on June 3, 2010 at 9:08 am

    This is an interesting post because it really speaks to me at this point in time. I wonder if Rori can get specific about a pattern that keeps repeating itself. I have been practicing being open, being present with the men I date, and while the intimacy (not necessarily sex) I have shared with them has been so wonderful, I am now witnessing the third instance of pull-back after getting close. In each instance, I have experienced cessation of communication on his part with no explanation. This hurts, stings, bites. It makes me crazy with anger, and while I don’t get angry at them, I get angry with myself, for having done something wrong, though what that “wrong” thing is, I just don’t know. What’s the best way to stop this pattern from repeating yet again? Because I can’t go through it again! Too painful!



  51.  #51Jennifer on June 3, 2010 at 9:19 am

    Hey Daria
    How do you feel about the idea of an ovarian cyst? They can feel alot like UTI’s (mine do anyway) and come and go as you ovulate.
    They’re not necessarily harmful, for some women just an ovulatory hiccup.
    What do you think?



  52.  #52Tallgirl10 on June 3, 2010 at 9:24 am

    Kiki,

    I am really struggling with the same thing.

    Text guy came on so strong and then he totally backed off. What is so hard is realizing that some men simply do this, and it has nothing to do with you if you were present, responsive, receptive and engaged.

    Some men just are not able to participate and deal with a relationship, who knows why? It may be timing, it may be you, it may be their history, who the heck knows.

    I am now deciding if I want to be with someone who for the second time pursued and the backed off. What is great about that is that even if I feel upset, it is not about me and what I did. It be about me and who I am, but I can’t be someone else, and wouldn’t want to be.



  53.  #53Tallgirl10 on June 3, 2010 at 9:29 am

    Brenda,

    You know that him being friends with any woman is not the same as being friends with you.

    The difference is that he is detrimental to your self esteem. So you need to be a better friend to yourself than a friend to him.

    I am struggling with how to treat text guy. Should I treat him as a friend, as more? Should I really have different expectations of someone I am dating than a friend? Does he owe me that?



  54.  #54Brenda on June 3, 2010 at 9:33 am

    Tallgirl, I don’t know. I know if he wants to renew our friendship, it would be unkind for me to say no. And, nothing in me wants him to be gone forever. It may be detrimental to my self-esteem – you are most likely right. But I have Kenny on my team still, and he builds up my self-esteem every chance he gets. He is in love with me. I don’t know how it’s going to all pan out when I marry a different man. I love Ryan and it is against my nature to kick him to the curb.



  55.  #55Amy F on June 3, 2010 at 9:46 am

    Question ladies:
    I love the results I get with leaning back. It is transforming my long-distance relationship. I have not tried this with sex yet, but I will. I can almost wrap my head around it.

    I get so confused about receiving/feeling messages vs. leaning forward. I got a sweet text from him this morning before I woke up about how great HE feels when we talk. I wanted to tell him, I feel so happy and you are the greatest guy in the world and I love you so much, and, and, and!
    What I texted in return was, “I feel happy too.”
    I thought my euphoric state was almost overwhelming, even for me to feel, let alone him. Do you struggle with communicating what you are feeling, responding and receiving but not leaning forward? If so, how do you manage this? Thanks for your help and support.



  56.  #56Tallgirl10 on June 3, 2010 at 9:50 am

    Ladies,

    I am really questioning if my text to tell him to call me was leaning forward?

    Please help me.



  57.  #57Brenda on June 3, 2010 at 9:52 am

    Hi Amy, I feel the same way. I have very intense emotions, and I can literally cry when I see a beautiful scene in nature or the beauty of a heroic act I see on the news. Yes, I struggle with that a lot. I also struggle with the difference between being a bold rockstar diva who acts like she can get any man she wants, and leaning forward.

    I am not the one to answer you. I can explore with you tho. I feel safest leaning back when in doubt, since I know I tend to overfunction by a mile.

    I may be wrong, but it seems to me you did well in your response. You expressed happiness, but not too intensely. Maybe that would be better saved for an intimate moment in his arms. Will that time come anytime soon? How long distance is he? I know me, I probably would have gushed my emotions. I am like a whole reservoir of emotions being held back by a paper-thin dam! LOL! 🙂



  58.  #58Brenda on June 3, 2010 at 9:56 am

    Tallgirl, I think it was leaning forward. I don’t think it will make or break the relationship, tho. I would have worded it a lil differently, like “I feel happy when I receive a text from you, and it would feel so good to chat with you in person instead!”

    I myself have missed soooo much communication by allowing Ryan to text me only. I am almost completely out of touch with how he feels about me at this point. If I had it to do over again, I would have set a boundary early on that I am only willing to discuss our relationship in person.



  59.  #59Amy F on June 3, 2010 at 10:02 am

    Brenda,
    Thank you so much. I think your statement is so correct – when in doubt – lean back. I too totally overfunction. I realized I’ve really been in love with myself for years because I have always been the active one in relationships. I don’t know what the men I’ve been involved with are made of because I was in the way!
    He lives 3000 miles away which is hard. However, we see each other once a month or every three weeks, it’s fun and I’m not tied to any outcome, circular dating is masterful. He will be here in 10 days!



  60.  #60Lucy on June 3, 2010 at 10:09 am

    Brenda, I agree with Shannon about the phone call and the “testing” issue. It seems to me that this is the time to really break out all the Siren tools and be VERY SOFT on the outside. Feel solid in the idea that you are CDing — even though you might not have actual dates right now, that is your MINDSET, and therefore, his returning your call is not all that important (yes, it feels important, but in CDing it is NOT as important as it feels).

    So, you lean back, which you are doing SO WELL! — and then when he DOES call, you unzip your heart and are warm and open and INVITING with him. Be inviting.

    If it was me, at THIS point, I would only focus on sharing the happy feelings that he called again after so long. 🙂



  61.  #61Siena on June 3, 2010 at 10:09 am

    Tallgirl, the reason you feel concerned about whether telling him to call you was leaning forward was because you know how it makes you feel… not good. That’s what all this Siren stuff is about – is only doing things that feel good so that he can feel good.

    But a lot of times, the way to learn is to do it and see how it feels. So how does it feel to tell him to call you?

    It feels kinda icky, right? Like you’re taking over the management of the relationship a little bit.

    Like you wouldn’t have to tell him to call if he was calling you already.

    Sit with it in your body for a little bit. Your body knows the answer!



  62.  #62Lucy on June 3, 2010 at 10:12 am

    Shannon, I feel so excited and happy about your volunteering! I volunteered at a teen pregnancy center several years ago (and many years before that, was the one being HELPED by a center).

    I feel interested in seeing what you wrote that landed in moderation. 🙂



  63.  #63Lucy on June 3, 2010 at 10:14 am

    “only doing things that feel good so that he can feel good”

    I like the way you explained that!



  64.  #64Lucy on June 3, 2010 at 10:15 am

    p.s. Brenda, I would take his call naturally, not play a game of not answering it or waiting the number of days he waited. Be responsve.



  65.  #65Lucy on June 3, 2010 at 10:16 am

    Tallgirl, is that a rule from a book or something? “Calls are not the same as texts. Texts – 24 hours, calls 48 hours….”

    It’s been more than 24 hours since TN man sent me that text….



  66.  #66Lucy on June 3, 2010 at 10:24 am

    I would like to know if it is okay — i.e., Siren-like — to just not respond at all to TN man’s last text (“Who says you won’t get to be with me? 🙂 )

    It was a rhetorical question, right? so there’s nothing to answer….

    and he already knows how I feel (“I feel jealous and sad that I didn’t get to be with you.”)

    It’s almost like there’s nothing more for me to say.

    Is it in any way detrimental to me to not respond?

    Like, is it “closing down” or “fearing intimacy” or “not responding to a man” (that last one, “not responding to a man” — a few months ago Rori said I was doing that by not responding, and that it wasn’t good, but I don’t know if that applpies in this situation) or “rude” or whatever?????

    Right now, I kinda feel like Shannon does with Fab Kisser, just ugh, enough already.

    What do you think?



  67.  #67Tallgirl10 on June 3, 2010 at 10:27 am

    Brenda and Siena,

    It felt icky for him to be texting me over and over without asking me out, it felt icky for me to not be responding, and it feels icky for me to tell him to call me, even with feeling messages.

    So am I supposed to not respond – which feels icky too?

    Everything about him is starting to feel icky. The fast come on, and the pull back, which has nothing to do with me.

    I am not clear on this and I need your help.

    I am also concerned because yesterday everyone said it is not leaning forward.

    Brenda – what I said was close to what you said, or close enough. I did tell him it would feel good for him to call me so we could touch base in person.

    What exactly is leaning back?

    As to calling and timing, those are my feelings about timing. Texts can be sent when you have a moment, a call means you need more time.



  68.  #68Siena on June 3, 2010 at 10:27 am

    Amy,

    “Do you struggle with communicating what you are feeling, responding and receiving but not leaning forward? If so, how do you manage this?”

    For me, feeling messages and leaning forward are two different things. But they both accomplish the same thing – with different energies.

    A man (or masculine energy) leans forward to further the relationship.

    A woman (or fem energy) responds, opens up and communicates feeling messages to further the relationship.

    But feeling messages (unless they’re followed by a directive) aren’t leaning forward. Even if they’re intense and deep. But since they are intense and deep sometimes, it’s good to limit them to 1 or 2 per communication so as not to overwhelm the guy.



  69.  #69Brenda on June 3, 2010 at 10:30 am

    Amy, RE: #55 – Ooh, 3000 miles is SO hard! That’s wonderful you get to see him every 3-4 weeks!

    Lucy, RE: #56 – I think that is some really solid advice, about just being inviting right now after so much time apart. Thank you! I will do that. He can’t handle much stress, either, because of all the negativity going on inside. Once he described it like being in a huge storm at sea inside. The ship is sinking inside yet no one else around him sees or feels the storm like he does. So I do my best to keep things pleasant around him, as long as he is not in the thick of emotionally abusing me.



  70.  #70Siena on June 3, 2010 at 10:30 am

    Tallgirl, so the next question I would ask myself (after reading your post) is – why do I want to be with a man or in a situation that feels icky?

    Knowing that as a fem energy woman I have to take ‘no’ for an answer and not manage the relationship (or row the boat as Rori says) what can I do now to make me feel good… regardless of what he’s doing or not doing?



  71.  #71Tallgirl10 on June 3, 2010 at 10:31 am

    Text guy does not want a relationship with me. I can feel it.

    It is like he is attracted to something, but not able to do anything else.

    I am not leading this, as in, I am always responsive, even my text to him was still in response to him.

    I still ask, do you not respond to any text that is not a question?



  72.  #72Tallgirl10 on June 3, 2010 at 10:31 am

    I am feeling really frustrated because despite all of the advise I am being given, I am not getting fundemantal answers to those questions.



  73.  #73Brenda on June 3, 2010 at 10:33 am

    Lucy, RE: #60 – Okay, I’ll respond to his first call back. That feels really good to an overfunctioner like me! He-he-he! 🙂 But I see why you are saying to, seriously, in order to be welcoming. I think that’s a good idea at this juncture.



  74.  #74Lucy on June 3, 2010 at 10:33 am

    I feel thankful that my ex-h came in the middle of the night and fixed the air conditioner!!!

    I feel proud of myself for thanking him and NOT mentioning that he left the upstairs windows open so we were “cooling the outdoors.” 😀



  75.  #75Tallgirl10 on June 3, 2010 at 10:35 am

    Again,

    I get a text after text. I have three options:
    A. Respond and not get frustrated, but feel like there is no connection
    B. Respond and tell him with a feeling message what would feel good – “it would feel great for you to call me so we can touch base in person”
    C. Not respond and feel bad

    I am totally frustrated. I don’t think I even want to see him. I cannot deal with his roller coaster ride again. It is worse this time.

    Now he will call, but I will feel like I forced him to do it.

    I am on the verge of tears.



  76.  #76Siena on June 3, 2010 at 10:35 am

    “I am not getting fundamental answers to those questions.”

    Because there are no rules! It’s all about what makes you feel good!

    Does it feel good to respond to a text that was not a question? Can you do that and not think twice about it and still feel really great afterwards? Then do it!

    Can you call a guy or tell him to call you and not think twice about it and still feel really great afterwards? Then do it!

    This is why Cding is so great – because you can test these things out for yourself without worrying about losing the guy.



  77.  #77Brenda on June 3, 2010 at 10:36 am

    Lucy, RE: #62 – on not answering TN Man’s last text…I would think of a hundred different ways I could answer that. I think the worst effect it could have by NOT answering it would be for him to think, “Ut-oh, did I cross a line with Lucy? Am I going to lose her? I better contact her and smooth things over.” At least I hope he responds like that. Hunkola!! **Giggles!**



  78.  #78Siena on June 3, 2010 at 10:37 am

    Oh Tallgirl, I feel so bad! I know how it feels to be totally frustrated and not want to make a move for fear of doing the wrong thing.

    This is coming up so you can work through it and heal it. Can you remember a time in your past when you felt the same way? In your childhood or young adult life?



  79.  #79Brenda on June 3, 2010 at 10:39 am

    Tallgirl, RE: #63 – You said, “it would feel good for him to call me so we could touch base in person.” Yes, that IS leaning back. I forgot you said it that way when you said you told him to call you. I think you have nothing to worry about and he’ll come around. You made your point with this, and he should get it about texting being icky. Now the trick is to not obsess over it, like I am trying to not obsess about Ryan! 😉



  80.  #80Amy F on June 3, 2010 at 10:42 am

    Tall Girl,
    I am struggling with how I feel and to express it as well. Regarding your situation, I feel no response is the best course of action. Lean back to the wall with this one. He has a pattern of withdrawing. Lean back to the wall and if he leans in with communication that makes you feel good, great. If not, he goes away and you know what he’s made of.

    Go do something nice for yourself!



  81.  #81Brenda on June 3, 2010 at 10:43 am

    Tallgirl, RE: #67 – You said, I still ask, do you not respond to any text that is not a question?”

    Yes, you do. I forget who, but someone posted on here to you last night that when he opened up about needing a sabbatical it was opening the convo, not closing it, and they asked you why you said “Sweet dreams” at the end of your response. I only close a convo when I feel it dying. If it’s a rolling convo back and forth, enjoy it!



  82.  #82Brenda on June 3, 2010 at 10:44 am

    Tallgirl, RE: #68 – I am reading many answers to your questions. Maybe you just don’t feel comfortable with the answers we are offering? I mean, myself, I am not answering as an authority. Just trying to help, and just exploring the whole siren thing with you. But I think a lot of people have given you a lot of good answers. Did you read all of the last string #2 on sex?



  83.  #83Laughing goddess on June 3, 2010 at 10:45 am

    Lucy:

    it feels okay to me to not respond to his last text. In fact, it feels sireny to me. I feel certain that you’re right, he knows exactly what you meant.

    Really, either way feels good…answering him or not. If you do answer though, I still prefer #1. It feels really honest and straighforward and I like that. No games.



  84.  #84Tallgirl10 on June 3, 2010 at 10:46 am

    Siena,

    I have a real issue with thinking I have to be perfect. That is why I do things and then I go over and over over and over it again and again.

    I really think I have to talk to him if I see him again. Being emotionally communicative is one of my must haves and he is not communicating anything. Just chit chat. Part of that is me because I am doing the flip thing, so maybe the way out is to be real, and tell him what I want in a relationship.

    Thoughts?



  85.  #85Brenda on June 3, 2010 at 10:47 am

    Tallgirl, RE: #71 – B. Respond and tell him with a feeling message what would feel good – “it would feel great for you to call me so we can touch base in person”

    When Ryan first said to me, “I prefer to discuss it in person”, I felt a little shocked. But then the more I thought about it, the more comfortable I felt with it. He was expressing his likes. I mean, that’s just my view, having been on the receiving end of a statement like that. Nothing wrong at all with asking that a relationship be carried out in person.



  86.  #86Siena on June 3, 2010 at 10:50 am

    “I have a real issue with thinking I have to be perfect.”

    Ahhh… me too….

    Rori told me once that as a woman, you don’t earn love. In other words, nothing you DO gets you love. You receive love just because you ARE.

    Men DO, women ARE.

    It’s at the core of what all of this is about.

    My question to you, TG, would be – why do you want to tell him what you want in a relationship? How would it feel to just tell yourself (and God/Universe) that, and then wait for it to be brought to you so you can receive it?

    Why does this guy have to be the one?

    Why do you feel you need to fix this?

    I only ask because these are questions I asked that brought me clarity.



  87.  #87Tallgirl10 on June 3, 2010 at 10:50 am

    If I do see him, I think I will have the conversation about a disconnect. I am afraid to have it, but I think it will be worse if we don’t.

    I am really working on what the messages would be:

    A. I am frustrated because I feel like there is a fundemental disconnect between the two of us which I cannot understand and describe.

    And that is a major bummer because I am really feeling happy spending time with him and getting to know him.

    What do you think?



  88.  #88Brenda on June 3, 2010 at 10:52 am

    Tallgirl, Even tho it’s assertive, Rori said in her Commitment Blueprint, I think, that there is nothing wrong at all with stating your likes, dislikes, wants, and don’t wants. You don’t like a strictly texting relationship. You told him very kindly and tactfully that you would feel so good to chat in person. Hop back on your horse and take a nice, refreshing gallop to the hills! You’re a desireable Siren, even if you feel a little confused and in pain right now.

    Rori said when we lean back, we will naturally feel uncomfortable. We are used to rowing the boat. She said picture the relationship as a ball and chain. Now drop it. Just drop it. Feel it roll across the floor, out of control. Now walk away from it. It is for HIM to pick up the ball and chain. It is for HIM to fix the relationship.



  89.  #89Lucy on June 3, 2010 at 10:56 am

    “nothing you DO gets you love. You receive love just because you ARE.”

    Does that mean I don’t have to OUT-FUN interloper girl to get the love I want??? (Yes.) Thank you Siena.



  90.  #90Brenda on June 3, 2010 at 10:58 am

    Tallgirl, here are some feeling messages I copied that Rori wrote:

    “I feel bad and uncomfortable without plans for the two of us anymore. I miss that.”

    Then “I feel so alone and lonely and like I’m single and leading a life so separate from you. I miss you. I miss feeling close to you.”

    “I don’t want a relationship with you right now that feels like just dating.”

    “I feel weird, like we have no plans together. I feel disconnected. I miss doing things together.”

    This last one sounds similar to what you said.



  91.  #91Tallgirl10 on June 3, 2010 at 10:58 am

    Brenda,

    Then I agree that I what I did was right. I really hate all this texting, I prefer to have a mix of texting on light things and talking to really connect.

    Siena,

    I know love comes from me. It is just that I made myself a list of must haves. He must:
    A. Be curious about the world
    B. Be passionate about life
    C. Be available
    D. Be emotionally and physically communicative
    E. Be consistant
    F. Be playful
    G. Be kind

    We have been out 5 times over the two times we have dated and seen each other in other social situations. He just does not share, and I feel like he is so resistant to it, that there is no emotional communication at all. Our talks are very superficial. Well, I guess except him telling me about the sabatical.



  92.  #92Brenda on June 3, 2010 at 11:00 am

    Here’s more I copied:

    1. “If you could establish a less serious, more playful approach to your relationships – not trying to make each of them ‘the one I am looking for’ but instead saying, ‘this is someone with whom I am enjoying a conversation” Or “this is someone I am enjoying a meal with” – then you wouldn’t use this moment in time to defy your own desires & intentions. And the universe would more easily & quickly provide the rendezvous you are looking for.”

    Rori:

    Your focusing on him is showing your lack of self-confidence and self-esteem, and that vibe is enough to lower a man’s attraction.

    communicating feelings, even ones that feel bad, is not drama.
    communicating from a place of blame or control is drama.



  93.  #93Apple Jacks on June 3, 2010 at 11:01 am

    Oh all this sex talk, lol.

    Brenda – I have to be honest here your posts on Ryan are really triggering me. I feel afraid you’ll feel judged because I can also feel a bit of defensiveness in your posts as you write about wanting to be his friend.

    But it’s making me think of “girly boy” (akin to Siena’s pinky peni). I’m becoming very angry. I feel so enraged that it’s like I have a volcano in the pit of my stomach getting ready to erupt. I feel like texting “girly boy” and calling him a moron. My mind is racing at anger towards him!

    I love my anger and my volcano pit tummy. And I LOVE my desire to want to text the moron to call him just that!



  94.  #94Laughing goddess on June 3, 2010 at 11:01 am

    Tall girl:

    I feel confused hearing you say you’re frustrated that you haven’t received answers to your question as I have seen lots of women offering what feels like sage advice to me. I feel confused, frustrated, and honestly, a little bit angry.

    In response to your question about if your text was leaning forward…

    You wrote:

    “Yuck, no! I am excited to learn survival skills from you. Urgh, work is getting insane, but it would feel great if you give me a call when you have some time so we can catch up in person. Ps – have a great birthday.”

    As I said, I’m very careful about using “you” in a feeling message. Saying “it would feel great if you give me a call when you have some time” feels a little directive to me.

    It feels more neutral to say “it would feel great to talk on the phone or in person sometime”

    How does that feel? Can you feel the difference?

    Personally, I would also have said I feel annoyed (or frustrated) with texting vs the work being busy comment because it’s the TRUTH based on what you have written here.



  95.  #95Tallgirl10 on June 3, 2010 at 11:03 am

    I don’t have love, not even the love of myself sometimes. That is why I look for validation in being asked out.

    I really do enjoy spending time with text guy. We have a very easy and fun way of relating.

    But that does not mean he is capable of rowing the boat.

    I think one of my disconnects is that I feel like if we just talk – he will mysteriously just be able to do it. Like it is his will to row that is missing. When it may be he has no oars.

    Does that make sense?



  96.  #96Lucy on June 3, 2010 at 11:04 am

    Thanks, LG and Brenda for your input about the text. I am definitely leaning toward not responding at this point, but if anyone here has anything else to consider, I’d be happy to hear it. I don’t want to just shut down cuz of fear, frustration, etc.

    But, LG, you know,if I would respond with that #1, I suspect that he does already know that’s exactly what I meant — he’s no dummy. Knowing him, I could even see him responding to that with, “I knew that’s what you meant — but you know I love to tease you!”

    Ick. That would feel awful.



  97.  #97Tallgirl10 on June 3, 2010 at 11:08 am

    LG,

    This conversation has been giving me more insights than the other ones, so I appreciate everyone working with me.

    I do see the difference. But I have to acknowlege that even if that seems directive, in the past, all I would have said was – give me a call when you have some time.

    So what I wrote is still a quantum leap from where I was even two weeks ago. Two weeks ago, there would be no feeling messages anywhere. Period.

    This is all very hard for me.



  98.  #98Siena on June 3, 2010 at 11:08 am

    Yes Tallgirl it makes total total sense.

    “I don’t have love, not even the love of myself sometimes. That is why I look for validation in being asked out.”

    THAT’S why I keep saying “what feels good” and “do what feels good”. (You’re not alone, btw, I do that too)

    What I’m actually saying is – create love in your life. Men come to US for love. We can’t give what we don’t have! And we can only give from our surplus without lowering our self esteem.

    So go do things that feel good and create love. Date lots of men so that all of them together bring you love.

    Get pampered by men and pamper yourself.

    Figure out ways to fill yourself up with love so that you are overflowing with it… you’ll become irresistible and men will be throwing themselves at you. I promise!



  99.  #99Tallgirl10 on June 3, 2010 at 11:12 am

    I suppose I could have said:

    Yuck, no! I am excited to have you teach me survival skills. I am feeling frustrated with all this texting, it would be great to talk on the phone or in person sometime.

    This is where I go into self critism. That is the direct truth right there, but that is very very scary. It feels like I would run him away, but I am running him away anyhow. Or, simply he was walking no matter what I do.



  100.  #100Lucy on June 3, 2010 at 11:12 am

    Tallgirl, I have had situations where I just tell the guy, “I don’t text.” I told 25 this — we chat on fb, which is what I prefer to text (for him). Occassionally he texts me anyway, but I just IGNORE it as if it didn’t even happen, cuz I have TOLD him I don’t do it. Then sometimes on fb, he’ll say, “Didn’t ya get my text?” and I’ll remind him of what I have told him.

    The fact that I never text with him has done NOTHING to turn him away . . . he continues to pursue me relentlessly, wanting to go out with me (but I say no cuz he’s 25).



  101.  #101Tallgirl10 on June 3, 2010 at 11:14 am

    I want to be clear, I do love myself when it comes to work and friends. But when it comes to men, I feel I have to perfect, or one false move and it is over.

    Sometimes I just wish I could say:
    Dating is hard for me. It makes me anxious and I sometimes react to that anxiousness by being aloof and withholding and not vulnerable. Can you help me with that?



  102.  #102Laughing goddess on June 3, 2010 at 11:16 am

    I feel frustrated because it feels impossible to me to give a simple pat answer to a question. For me, What Rori is suggesting involves a whole “being” shift. It’s not like… Oh just do this this and this and you will get what you want. She’s talking about shifting our whole way of looking at men, dating, relationships, and ourselves.

    It’s actually kind of irrelevant what we do specifically except that these specific acts help to shift our whole way of being. Even Rori herself says that we can be a rockstar and do whatever we want. But we have to FEEL like a rockstar in order to do that.

    All I’m trying to say is there is no one answer. There’s tons and tons of information on this site and tons of practices to help boost our self-esteem so that we don’t focus and obsess on one guy.



  103.  #103Tallgirl10 on June 3, 2010 at 11:18 am

    I will be careful about using you in feeling messages except for on the very positive side.

    I feel great when you X. But when expressing a want, I will be more careful.

    It feels would be great to do x, not it would be great if you do x.



  104.  #104Lucy on June 3, 2010 at 11:19 am

    Ya know, it really sucks that TN man moved so much closer geographically and then took up with another girl.

    When he first told me he was moving there, I wrote, “I feel so excited that maybe we will finally get to meet! And scared that we won’t. And scared that we will! Lol.”



  105.  #105Siena on June 3, 2010 at 11:19 am

    haha Tallgirl, I just had that convo with myself this morning. Almost exactly what you said here –

    “Dating is hard for me. It makes me anxious and I sometimes react to that anxiousness by being aloof and withholding and not vulnerable. Can you help me with that?”

    – I so want to have that convo and have someone rescue me.

    But (ahem) I’ve done that before and it’s lost me men.

    He has those same fears, and he needs US to be the ones who have figured that part out so that HE can work through it.

    It kinda sucks. But if he’s doing all the outside work (calling, paying, etc), I need to lead the inside stuff.

    He feels safe when we feel safe. And the way we communicate that we’re safe is that we can communicate our feelings.



  106.  #106Tallgirl10 on June 3, 2010 at 11:21 am

    LG,

    I think that is what you and Siena are saying. There is nothing wrong with my text. Nothing at all. I am not being pushy by expressing my wants, and in fact, many women do that without looking back at all.

    I suppose the issue is that I am obsessing about one person, and I am not confident entirely because I get afraid to express my feelings.

    The issue with the feelings is that I don’t alway even know what I am feeling. I usually just react. And in this process, I am trying to get closer to my feelings so I can choose how I react.



  107.  #107Tallgirl10 on June 3, 2010 at 11:23 am

    I am so afraid to communicate my feelings. If I am overwhelmed by them, how can he not be?



  108.  #108Lucy on June 3, 2010 at 11:23 am

    Yes, LG #98. It took me a little while to realize that. It’s really about non-attachment to the outcome, loving and taking care of yourself, and being free — NOT about specific behaviors. Like Daria said once, the behaviors (tools) are like training wheels to use while you’re getting more grounded in loving yourself, feeling your true feelings, and living in the moment.



  109.  #109Tallgirl10 on June 3, 2010 at 11:24 am

    Why would that have been so scary for me – this is exactly how I was feeling, exactly:

    Yuck, no! I am excited to have you teach me survival skills. I am feeling frustrated with all this texting, it would be great to talk on the phone or in person sometime.



  110.  #110Lizzie on June 3, 2010 at 11:25 am

    Tall Girl
    When he texts you, how about just sending back a 🙂
    Or how about: It feels nice to hear from you; I prefer we talk in human, what do you think?
    Or how about: thanks for the message – I have decided to give up text-messaging – I like you and feel better when I can talk with you
    Or how about: thanks for the text – just not the same as great sex, what do you think?

    The only texting and email I do, is to make a date or provide/gather information. I keep everything else for the in person real stuff. I have told men I won’t do the phone either unless I am travelling.

    My heart is informing me that if you are feeling a disconnect, then there is one. In my heart, I must convey, it will never be resolved with email or text. It is a sitting in the car, go for a long drive, conversation. I hope you have the opportunity to go for a long drive. Big hug to you.



  111.  #111Siena on June 3, 2010 at 11:26 am

    If you are strong enough to say,

    “I feel overwhelmed by my feelings” without making it at all about him and just stand there and feel your feelings, he will feel safe. He will realize that you are strong inside, that you are aware of yourself, and that you trust yourself. It will be about you, not him.

    Women who are not strong on the inside are not able to say truthfully to a man “I feel so vulnerable and overwhelmed by my feelings” without making it about him.

    If you’re strong on the inside, you will be able to be soft on the outside and vulnerable.

    He will salivate and won’t be able to keep away from you!



  112.  #112Tallgirl10 on June 3, 2010 at 11:28 am

    Lizzie,

    That is an in person conversation, not a text or email. I promise.



  113.  #113Tallgirl10 on June 3, 2010 at 11:29 am

    I am so upset right now. I will never be able to do this. I swear, it is best for me not to date. That is the only time I ever feel safe.



  114.  #114Lucy on June 3, 2010 at 11:29 am

    Tallgirl, it has been helpful to me to think about RESPONDING as a replacement for REACTING. Using two different words like that helps me keep it straight in my head. I ask myself, “Am I responding or reacting here?”

    Reacting comes from our unconscious patterns and unmet childhood needs.

    Responding comes from the wholeness of our true essence and living in the present moment.



  115.  #115Laughing goddess on June 3, 2010 at 11:30 am

    TG: Please don’t go into self criticism over the text. Men are more resilent than that. Shoot, he was still hanging around when you weren’t doing any feeling messages. That us a good sign.

    But there is benefit in looking at what we are saying to learn about ourselves and get a better understanding of where our motivations. Are we still trying to guide? Are we still trying to lead?

    When I hear you say I feel happy around him, I feel confused. From what I have seen, you feel stressed, and worried. I so wish you would get out there and CD, do something you love, and forget about this guy. If you start thinking of him remind yourself “if he isn’t in front of me he doesn’t exist”. Rori has some post on obsessing over a man which I highly recommend you read. I read them over and over because when I first came here I was obsessing over someone too. They really helped! And now, now that I have experienced what it feels like to be with a man that treats me right and steps up, I find this man that I obsessed over for TWO YEARS to be totally and completely unattractive.

    The love that you are looking for isn’t going to come from outside. You have to love yourself first and then the outside love will show up. Not the other way around.

    And it can ahppen very fast!!!



  116.  #116Tallgirl10 on June 3, 2010 at 11:31 am

    How do I do this and not feel like I am a total wreck as I am learning to do it?



  117.  #117Siena on June 3, 2010 at 11:31 am

    BTW, #107 was not a judgment. I remember when I first came here in January that I could not even say, “It feels good to talk to you” to a man. I literally got a fear response in my throat when I did it.

    So I hung out here for a while and wrote everything I felt. Then I tried feeling messages with men. Now it’s like second nature.

    And I’ve found (by the dozens of men I’ve dated in the last 4 months) men LOVE feeling messages. They are kind of dazzled by them. They’re like having a stun gun to shoot him with. It’s awesome!



  118.  #118Siena on June 3, 2010 at 11:33 am

    Tallgirl, this is a safe place. This is the place to feel like you’re a total wreck.



  119.  #119Lucy on June 3, 2010 at 11:33 am

    Siena, you are on a roll today!!! I just printed out #107 — beautifully written!! <3



  120.  #120Siena on June 3, 2010 at 11:35 am

    haha thanks Lucy! I’m avoiding work by hanging out here.

    I’m choosing to hang out here with women instead of reviewing computer code for my client.

    …I…can’t…do…it…anymore…



  121.  #121Laughing goddess on June 3, 2010 at 11:37 am

    Ha ha Lizzie! I love this!!!

    What if you texted this TG? How would he respond? Sometimes it feels good to just do something wild and mix it all up.

    “Or how about: thanks for the text – just not the same as great sex, what do you think?”



  122.  #122Daria on June 3, 2010 at 11:44 am

    Ladies – I am in the bay area, and I like musician men, or men who drive around in cool cars… or hang out together in groups … even watch sports games (gasp)

    but when i go out, its mostly to the library or the book store hehe

    Where can i go to date myself!!

    HMMM idea! I can go out to eat at places where there might be men!

    BUT – umm … i haven’t been taking myself out to eat… cashwise

    I DO have a certificate to a store – I can go do that…

    or even the mall, though that feels a lil icky

    where else can I go during the day to date myself and meet men?

    Where do YOU go?



  123.  #123Laughing goddess on June 3, 2010 at 11:47 am

    TG: you said

    “How do I do this and not feel like I am a total wreck as I am learning to do it?”

    I’d say by being easy on yourself…cutting yourself some slack…getting some perspective.

    You are learning here and you aren’t supposed to be perfect at it. That’s why you are learning.

    Sometimes when I find myself stressing over something, I ask myself “is this really going to matter in 5 years?” and the answer is no. So why give it so much energy now? I would much rather do something I love.

    If I was in your situation, I would immerse myself in Rori’s posts here, her book, cd’s, do all the exercises. I would do anything I could to lift myself up and feel better.

    Sing, laugh, dance, play, go see a movie. Anything I could do to make myself feel happy.



  124.  #124Siena on June 3, 2010 at 11:47 am

    From Modern Siren,

    “What we’re trying to do is open up your ability to feel whatever comes up for you so that you can create a safe place for a man to feel. If he doesn’t feel you can handle your feelings, he’s not going to go places with you. Because men feel as icky as we do inside. They feel worse… they’re filled with anger, competitive urges, they feel guilty about their sexual drive… they have all kinds of stuff going on in them. And they feel that they’re hiding all those things. They’re hiding their ugliest parts.

    What they want in a woman is a woman who can see right through it and see that ugly stuff and go, ‘I can handle that. I’ve got ugly parts too. And I can handle my ugly parts, so I sure as heck can handle yours.”



  125.  #125Sweetpea on June 3, 2010 at 11:49 am

    Tallgirl – I don’t know if this will help, but I was feeling a similar frustration until I spent some time on here. What I realized is that I was treating Rori’s tools as a rule book. Like Siena said, it is not a rule book, it is about doing what feels good to you.

    What I did, is thought about what I was successful with in the past. For instance, for me, I realized that I am actually really good at initial conversations with men. I am good at keeping things light and funny – it’s not until things got to be a little more in depth with them that I started sabotaging myself. So, I started thinking that my intuition is pretty good. It’s not until I start questioning myself and “what if I did this wrong…” “what if he meets someone else…” … “What if, what if….” and driving myself CRAZY that I started screwing things up.

    What I’m doing now, is getting help here (thank all of you), but I am also trusting that I KNOW what to do and how to do this right and asking myself, “does this feel good?” Not does this follow the rules, oh my God! I don’t think I followed the rules. I screwed up! Sometimes I don’t follow the rules. And at this point, they’re all “practice guys” anyway – that’s how I keep thinking of them, so if I screw up, I screw up. I can screw up sometimes. What I’ve found is that if I can just lean back and not worry myself to death about it, they come back around. It’s the leaning back and not worrying that are key for me.

    It’s not about rules! Hope that helps…



  126.  #126Brenda on June 3, 2010 at 11:49 am

    Tallgirl, RE: #91 – You said, “But that does not mean he is capable of rowing the boat.

    I think one of my disconnects is that I feel like if we just talk – he will mysteriously just be able to do it. Like it is his will to row that is missing. When it may be he has no oars.

    Does that make sense?”

    We need to trust a man to row the boat. I feel your anxiety, and I have felt the same thing. Let go. He won’t row until you let go of the oars.

    Getting back to the monkey analogy, Lucy, CC talks about a story about a small monkey whose weakness is to reach inside containers and get nuts. Hunters exploit his interest by making the opening too small for him to get his hand back out if it is in a fist, holding nuts. The monkey won’t let go, so he is caught. If he would let go, he would be free. But instead, the hunter catches him.

    As girls, we need to use our girl energy to let go, open our fists that are holding onto his collar so tightly. Holding on, we lose the guy. Letting go, we keep him. Something like that. And again, I am preaching to myself.



  127.  #127Siena on June 3, 2010 at 11:50 am

    Daria,

    What about China Town? It’s close to the financial district, so men with jobs hang out there (and it’s really interesting). Coffee shop in the morning. Lectures (man, I’m jealous, they’re probably all over SF!)



  128.  #128Apple Jacks on June 3, 2010 at 11:51 am

    Daria, you know in France women are out to eat by themselves all the time!

    If you’re in the Bay Area have you ever been to the Farmer’s Market every Sunday on Santana Row? Not sure how close you are to that. But it’s packed with people, wonderful produce, art and live bands sometimes. If you wanna buy any fruits and vegetables their prices are dirt cheap that day and fresh too! They even have olive oil taste tests. They also have fresh pop corn. I would think that is the one awesome place to walk around by yourself without feeling too self-conscious. There’s my suggestion. 🙂



  129.  #129Lucy on June 3, 2010 at 11:51 am

    Daria! Hang out at local music stores! Be curious about all the stuff there — instruments, sheet music, amps, etc. — think about learning to play an instrument — even if you have no money for it, just dream — tell the employees you would like to play ____ someday when you have the money . . . they will love sharing info and passion with you . .. just hang out there…!

    Sometimes places even give one free lesson.

    Lots of music stores also host free clinics and/or local performances that anyone can go to!

    Just being in that environment and exploring it opens you up to meeting a musician. (My sons are musicians. If I come up with any more ideas about that I will let you know!)



  130.  #130Brenda on June 3, 2010 at 11:52 am

    Lucy, RE: #92 – It is too late now, but I would have taken him as being playful, along with naughty, and I would have come right back at him with something witty and flirty.

    The more I think about it, tho, the more I think you did right by not responding back…you preserved your self-respect.



  131.  #131Siena on June 3, 2010 at 11:53 am

    Or the Blue bar in SF! It’s a jazz bar that is underground. Nothing but hotties there every time I’ve been. Hotties with jobs – because it’s a little more sophisticated than a typical club. And the music! Wow!



  132.  #132Sweetpea on June 3, 2010 at 11:53 am

    Oh, and Tallgirl – what Laughing Goddess said reminded me of something else that has helped me. I made myself a promise that when I was freaking out, obsessing, questioning myself, I would go read Rori’s book and work on the exercises. It really helped to put my mind at ease and just helped me to learn to take my mind off of the obsessing, worrying, all the icky feels yucky stuff.



  133.  #133Apple Jacks on June 3, 2010 at 11:54 am

    Siena you’re making ME wanna go back to the Bay lol! Awwww, I miss california. 🙁



  134.  #134Ankita on June 3, 2010 at 11:54 am

    Daria

    It’s for you… It’s an excerpt of “men are like fish” report… hope that helps…

    WORK-RELATED: According to a U.S. News and World Report article dated December
    14, 1998, “A third of all romances start on the job….Office romance is alive
    and well, despite a barrage of corporate counter-measures….Between 6 million and 8
    million Americans enter into a romance with a fellow employee each year….About
    half of all office romances evolve into lasting relationships or marriage.”

    SPORTS & OUTDOORS: Whether it’s playing the role of the fan or the participant,
    men of all ages take a special interest in sports and outdoor activities. You’ll find an
    abundance of men “nibbling” in this area.

    EAT & DRINK: Another way that men pass the time together is in a restaurant, bar,
    pub, or club. While many of these activities may involve the consumption of alcohol,
    it’s not so much a matter of lifestyle as it is that men commonly like to “tip a cold
    one” together.

    TRAVEL-RELATED: My favorite fishing holes in this area are weekend getaways
    and commuter business travel. That way you can catch men with their guard down
    and at their best, but without the risk of starting a heartbreaking long-distance romance.

    LEISURE ACTIVITIES: Aside from sports, there are a lot of other activities that
    men like to do from time to time depending on the individual. Maybe you can find
    something interesting in this area to try out.

    HOME & FRIENDS: Another likely place to make social connections is in your
    neighborhood or through your friends.

    SHOPPING PLACES: While men and women tend to shop for a lot of different
    things, you can meet people easily by asking for their recommendations about products
    or services that you are unfamiliar with.

    SINGLE PARENTS: If you’re a single parent, you can meet people through your
    kids and their activities. If you have more than one child, then you’ll have to be extra
    careful to avoid serious relationships with commitment-phobic single men.

    RICH FISH: Wealthy men have most of their basic human needs taken care of.
    Smart women have to match their values and lifestyle while offering the intangible inner
    joy that only a woman can bring to a man.



  135.  #135Lucy on June 3, 2010 at 11:54 am

    Haha, thanks Brenda, for the monkey story! Monkey needs to let go of the Nut. 🙂



  136.  #136Sweetpea on June 3, 2010 at 11:55 am

    Lucy – all this monkey stuff is still cracking me up!



  137.  #137Laughing goddess on June 3, 2010 at 11:57 am

    Siena: I have to agree with Lucy, you are on a roll. I have felt inspired and touch by several of your posts.

    I like what you said in #107 (I think) about emotions.

    From what I have experienced and I believe Rori has said this too, is that men find a woman who can manage her own emotions, take responsibility for them, make herself happy, and doesn’t blame him…very very attractive.

    They don’t want to be responsible for our happiness. They like to do things that make us happy but they don’t want to be responsible for our total happiness because they know it is unhealthy and impossible. Men really are smart about this. A woman who can’t deal with their emotions feels like a weight around their neck.

    It’s like being around one of our girlfriends who is always depressed and nothing you say or do will cheer them up and it’s always about their problems. Blah! Nobody enjoys that.

    With that said, I’m not proposing that they expect us to be happy all the time. In fact, they seem to love knowing that we are real and have troubles too. But they want to know that we can deal with it, that we have perspective, that we are not a slave to our ups and downs, and even worse making them a slave to our emotions.

    I know I’m using man voice and generalizations and I feel okay with it. 🙂



  138.  #138Ankita on June 3, 2010 at 11:58 am

    Personally, my fav ones are coffee shops, bars, and resto’s where I can hang out…

    I just love to sit there and look across the table, checking out guys… He he… 😉



  139.  #139Siena on June 3, 2010 at 12:01 pm

    Laughing Goddess, thank you! This site for me is therapy too. It’s part of my CDing. It makes me feel good to hang out here, and so I do 😉



  140.  #140Laughing goddess on June 3, 2010 at 12:04 pm

    Oh wow Siena! I didn’t see but you had already posted that quote from modern siren which is exactly what I was referring to. More synchronicity! 🙂

    anyway, thanks for posting. I love how she says it so succintly and clearly.



  141.  #141Jennifer on June 3, 2010 at 12:09 pm

    OMG….so jealous of all the “man pits” in the bay area. My area totally doesn’t have stuff like that.
    But we gots lots of tim hortons.
    LOL!



  142.  #142Laughing goddess on June 3, 2010 at 12:10 pm

    TG: I have to thank you for being a reflection for me of my own perfectionism and the way I can be hard on myself. I feel so frustrated because I can tell that you are amazing and it hurts to experience you feeling so upset. But at the same time I can see that it’s a message for me because I have been noticing myself doing the same thing.

    I am actually much better about it than I used to be but I have noticed it coming up in certain areas of my life.

    TG, thank you for showing me that and I truly hope that both of us (all of us) can continue cultivating more and more self-love.



  143.  #143Laughing goddess on June 3, 2010 at 12:15 pm

    Daria: there are two women in the bay area who work together teaching women about men. I believe they have similar teachings as Rori but I haven’t delved into their work enough to know for sure.

    Every month they have a man swap where women bring a male friend to a cocktail party and everyone gets a chance to meet and connect. I’ve always wanted to go but haven’t made it there yet. Anyway, I’m going to search my email and find the website. I’ll let you know.



  144.  #144Tallgirl10 on June 3, 2010 at 12:18 pm

    I feel totally overwhelmed and like I am drowning. I can’t believe I told him to call me. I don’t even want to talk to him now. I can’t believe how controlling I can be.

    No wonder he does not want to be with me.



  145.  #145Laughing goddess on June 3, 2010 at 12:20 pm

    Siena: I love that you said you post on here because it makes you feel good. Same for me. Sometimes I’ll judge myself for spending too much time on here. Like oh I should be doing something productive but then I realize…this is very productive! I am changing my life! It so awesome.

    I am also feeling less and less tolerance for my NV’s. I am so tired of listening to them. I am noticing more and more that when a nasty judgement pops into my mind it feels weird and bad. It’s no longer my norm. I simply will not tolerate the Nasty Voices.

    That feels great!



  146.  #146Jennifer on June 3, 2010 at 12:21 pm

    ooo
    What is this lingering sense of lewserdom? Where did you come from lewser feeling? Why are you here?
    Only three dates in the seven months since I left B. Hmmm….is that an indication of lewserdom?
    I dunno.
    Waffling on the getting pictures done idea? Hmmm… is that an indication of lewserdom?
    Seeing hot guy on POF that I don’t feel good enough to contact? Hmmmm…….where did that come from?
    Not liking my pics? Maybe.
    Logic train….Hating pics = not feeling confident to contact cool sounding guys. Hmm…….fear of rejection……hmmmmmm.
    Also the quote from Modern Siren. “because men feel as icky as we do inside. They feel worse.”
    That feels startling to me. Shocking almost.



  147.  #147Tallgirl10 on June 3, 2010 at 12:24 pm

    How could what felt so good yesterday feel so bad today?



  148.  #148Daria on June 3, 2010 at 12:25 pm

    Hehe thanks ladies – I feel unused to dating men who might work in the financial district or at lectures or jazz bars. I mean, I would feel cool and adventurous trying those things, but you know …

    I feel intimidated that men might judge me as ghetto…

    because I do! haha

    and its not always apparent … but if i don’t show it i feel like im hiding a way of being that i really enjoy…

    i want to feel comfortable showing all parts of me

    i feel big walls here for me

    hanging out in music stores might make it possible to meet men… though i don’t really LIKe hanging out in music stores… i feel bored…

    I guess i could go around to areas where men hang out and eat there… but i dont want to spend cash…

    hmmm

    i feel fear thinking of walking around alone too – i DO do this… not safety fear but … being judged or weird fear

    hmm

    if i had a twin, where would we go…

    we could go strolling down the streets downtown sf

    ahhh that feels so big and terrifying

    at least i can go to bars and clubs… evne by myself now!



  149.  #149Crystal Lynne on June 3, 2010 at 12:28 pm

    Hey Rori!

    I love your advice, and I have been following your “Modern Siren” series since October and I am now with the man of my dreams! I must admit that unzipping my heart was scary at first but since I have done it, the love that I have recieved has been more than I could’ve ever imagined! I’ve always considered myself sexy, but I have never really fully enjoyed sex and having that special connection with a man until I started following your advice. Who says there are no good men left? Keep up the good work Rori you rock!!!!



  150.  #150Laughing goddess on June 3, 2010 at 12:28 pm

    TG: what if you did something radical and turned your post around completely? What if instead of…

    “I feel totally overwhelmed and like I am drowning. I can’t believe I told him to call me. I don’t even want to talk to him now. I can’t believe how controlling I can be.

    No wonder he does not want to be with me.”

    you said:

    “I feel totally great and like I am flying. It’s okay that I told him to call me. I feel so excited to talk to him. It doesn’t matter that sometimes I’m controlling.

    Of course he wants to be with me”

    I believe that life is a matter of perspective (cup half full or empty). The actual circumstances are irrelevant. It’s how we choose to perceive them.



  151.  #151Daria on June 3, 2010 at 12:32 pm

    I feel guilty – like i’m saying thank you for the help that I don’t want to apply!

    ACK i feel so AFRAID to write that.

    I LOVE MY FEELINGS

    I WANT MUCHO LOVE FOR ME RIGHT NOW!!

    i had a bad dream. i feel glad it was a dream!

    I want that open – “im on vacation” vibe!! yeahh!!

    i want cute new clothes!!!



  152.  #152Tallgirl10 on June 3, 2010 at 12:33 pm

    LG – that makes total sense, just harder to say than do.



  153.  #153Tallgirl10 on June 3, 2010 at 12:35 pm

    ok, here it goes.

    I am really proud of how I have been interacting with text guy. I have remained upbeat and responsive. And I have not been punative. I have been responding and not reacting. I have been learning to use feeling messages, when they feel deeply uncomfortable for me.

    I am responsible for my happiness, and as long as I remain a caring and considerate person, that is the best I can do.



  154.  #154Daria on June 3, 2010 at 12:35 pm

    oohh LG –

    there are SO MANY places I know to go where it is FILLED with men I find attractive and where I FEEL SO COMFORTABLE!!

    It feels so easy and fun to be there, because I have things to be interested there

    (ohhh fear – I have no “other purpose” then men to be at those places, so I will “look desperate”)

    I love you fear!

    what a wonderful fear!!

    how cool that I would go out for the sole purpose of meeting men!

    wow!

    what if i wore something really sexy today to tutoring and then went out somewhere cool after!

    But where would i go?

    THERE ARE SO MANY OPTIONS THAT FEEL GOOD OF WHERE TO GO — YEAH!!!

    MY MIND IS COMING UP WITH MANY RIGHT NOW!!!

    /I feel afraid

    OMGOSH HOW AWESOME!!

    that means im thinking up some really good options

    (omg I just thought of a place i could have gone last nite — to san jose bars DUH! WOWWWWWW)))))



  155.  #155Laughing goddess on June 3, 2010 at 12:36 pm

    I feel confident that a men are really attracted to women who can see the positive side of situations. I believe that it makes them trust that a women will see the positive in them.

    For example, if a man brings flowers he wants a woman who feels appreciative of them and the gesture not someone who say “oh, only a dozen roses? Why didn’t he bring two dozen?he must not love me!!!!”

    I would imagine that they think if a woman has unreasonable expectations for herself she’s going to have them for him too



  156.  #156Laughing goddess on June 3, 2010 at 12:40 pm

    Nice TG!!! That’s awesome and just as true as your other post and probably feels way better which is what’s important.

    Yay! It really is important that we feel good. It’s important for the whole planet!

    Yay! I feel so excited that we get to follow our bliss!!!



  157.  #157Daria on June 3, 2010 at 12:40 pm

    LG — how does this apply to texts.

    I have men texting me all day… and I feel good to be contacted… and then the next feeling is a judgement and sinking… like… UGH WAT THE FUCK I DONT WANT TO BE FUCKIN TEXTED JUST CALLS DAMMIT!

    and so i havent been answering texts… or maybe once or so randomly twice a week

    i feel frustrated!

    i am looking for a result – more calls!

    but instead, im STILL getting texts!!

    hmmmmm

    i feel like im being unappreciative of texts, when they DO bring me some good feelings



  158.  #158Daria on June 3, 2010 at 12:40 pm

    i feel guilty that is



  159.  #159Laughing goddess on June 3, 2010 at 12:42 pm

    Yay Daria!

    I want to hear your list. You sirens are getting me so excited.



  160.  #160Tallgirl10 on June 3, 2010 at 12:44 pm

    LG – that makes total sense and resonates for me.

    Generally, I am a very positive person. The dating triggers me very much.

    All in all, I think that text man sees me as a very positive and fun person. In fact, maybe too postive and fun.

    But that said, I am deeply hard on myself, and while he does not see that per se, he might feel it.

    I feel excited to talk to him. I really like talking to him.

    I will try to keep it more real and less banter this time…..



  161.  #161Tallgirl10 on June 3, 2010 at 12:44 pm

    Daria, I hear ya!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! As you can tell ;-).



  162.  #162Laughing goddess on June 3, 2010 at 12:48 pm

    Daria:

    I noticed you first said you feel good to be contacted and then next you feel a judgement. Well, I know you know this because I’ve heard you say it before…but that judgement isn’t a feeling it’s a thought.

    And in that case, I would respond with my initial feeling which was happiness before my mind kicked in and started spewing out judgements.

    I dunno. I hope that makes sense.

    I know you don’t like texts but what if you reframed them as a stepping stone to getting phone calls and dates?



  163.  #163Daria on June 3, 2010 at 12:54 pm

    Hehe –

    LG – OKKK … i was practicing your tool ! but lets see

    OUCH!!! I feel pain in my gallbladder — i feel scared gallbladder thank you!!!

    AHHH list — ackkk

    I Could go to… blinks eyes like a deer in headlights

    i could go to…

    THERES SO MANY PLACES I COULD GO !! YES!!!

    Downtown SAN JOSE

    Walking around Downtown Hayward

    I feel fear!!

    Wow this is great!

    I’m down for a breakthru

    I could go to the movies at TanFaran mall!

    I could go to Emeryville shopping plaza

    ouch FEAR

    I love you fear

    ok more breakthru

    ohhh

    I could go the club GLASS CAT

    I could go to the ON the MIc show this Saturday

    I could go to the Funky Monkey bar in Hayward on Fridays and Saturdays nights

    what I would REALLY REALLY love is to have a popular music studio where i know the producer, and drop by and hang out there… LOTS OF MEN hang out in the studio YUM

    and I DO i know LOTS OF MEN WITH STUDIOS!!! Right/ I feel fear! i LOV EMY FEAR

    my married neighbor

    Men I meet online that say they hang out at studios!! I could invite myself over and friend their producers lol!

    I KNOW SO MANY STUDIOS I CAN HANG OUT AT FULL OF MEN!!!

    I COULD DRIVE AROUND OAKLAND AND SMILE AT MEN

    ackkk I FEEL AFRAID!!!

    I could go to I FEEEL TERRIFIED

    I know that pool hall in Emeryville!!! I feel terrifiedddd… I don’t want to go there alone! I love my fear!!!

    I Feel angry !! I love my anger!

    I love my fear!!!

    yum!!!



  164.  #164Laughing goddess on June 3, 2010 at 12:54 pm

    TG: something else that I wanted to add and you just touched on in your post is that the positive attitude has to be sincere. It can’t be an act. Men can pick up on than lack of authenticity.

    So, if I was in your situation (which I actually am and I’m going to follow my own advice) I would focus on getting my self esteem up, focus on feeling great about myself, so that next time he contacts me I am genuinely feeling good.

    Also, like Rori said men have icky feelings and it’s okay that we do but there has to be some kind of resiliency where we can pop back out of it and not depend on them to help us do it.



  165.  #165Laughing goddess on June 3, 2010 at 12:58 pm

    Daria: that feels really awesome to read!



  166.  #166Daria on June 3, 2010 at 12:59 pm

    LG –

    it goes liek this

    curiousity / excitement feeling

    pleasure feeling

    disappointment feeling

    in between those theare are thoughts



  167.  #167Tallgirl10 on June 3, 2010 at 1:00 pm

    I think that is the right way to go. I have filled up my calendar, so I am not actually available this upcoming friday or sat night.

    Tonight I am having two friends over for dinner – one who I want to be in the CD circle.

    And as to the comments about texting – I guess I judged it too.

    I think the issue for me is that if we go back and forth too much on text, it creates a sense of intimacy where none exists – it is too much contact.



  168.  #168Tallgirl10 on June 3, 2010 at 1:01 pm

    I feel the exact same way as Daria.



  169.  #169Laughing goddess on June 3, 2010 at 1:01 pm

    I really love brainstorming with you sirens. This feels good and I am learning so much!



  170.  #170Siena on June 3, 2010 at 1:05 pm

    ok dilemma. #1CD asked me out for Mon or Wed night next week because I am gone this weekend. I have a girls night out scheduled for Mon and a date for Wed.

    Do I cancel the girls night out? If this were a first date, maybe. I don’t want to cancel – we’re going to see Sex in the City.

    I’m being really unavailable to him because of my busyness. This is where I begin to feel afraid. I know men want women who are available… and I am! I just have a lot of other things going on too.

    What to do? What would a Siren do?



  171.  #171Daria on June 3, 2010 at 1:07 pm

    I am feeling pretty desperate about money, defensive and ready to attack

    I am grasping at ideas of legal ways to make money that are SELF RESPECTFUL make me FEEL GOOD about me

    I am brilliant pleasant and attractive, and lazy and tend to be about 15 min late to everything!

    What do you THINK?

    do you have something for me?

    I’m open to modeling – SELF RESPECTFULLY

    acting,

    teaching math english

    office stuff

    computer stuff

    other stuff

    ack i feel fear panick hehe



  172.  #172Daria on June 3, 2010 at 1:08 pm

    Siena – Rori says to cancel Girls night because CD is a priority!

    shocking yes!



  173.  #173Laughing goddess on June 3, 2010 at 1:08 pm

    I am officially implementing a zero-tolerence policy for my NV’s. From here on out I will only listen to the uplifting voices.

    I wonder if that is why Rori says to say we love our fear, etc. It’s a way to shift back to our uplifting voices.



  174.  #174Siena on June 3, 2010 at 1:11 pm

    Daria, hmmm… that’s why I asked.

    But part of me wants to see what he’ll do if I’m not available! Is that playing with fire?

    I don’t want to play games at all… but I’d like to see what his reaction would be if I stuck with my usual plans.

    If he were another of my CDs, I wouldn’t even question it – I would just tell him I was unavailable.

    hmmm… I think I’m gonna experiment here. This feels scary.

    But I’ve always been Ms Nice and Ms Too Available



  175.  #175Laughing goddess on June 3, 2010 at 1:13 pm

    Yes, I agree. I would cancel girls night unless i’m doing something I feel super in to.

    I guess breaking the date on wed. wouldn’t be right because then you wouldn’t be “treating them all equally”

    Daria: this idea just popped in to my head. What about becoming a personal asst. for an individual? Maybe even a producer. You would have more freedom than a 9 to 5, there is definitely some creativity in it, and you could use your computer and communication skills.



  176.  #176Siena on June 3, 2010 at 1:13 pm

    “oh… I feel bad but I already made plans for both mon and wed night. It’d feel good to see you another time though, what do you think?”



  177.  #177Brenda on June 3, 2010 at 1:14 pm

    Lizzie, RE: #106 – Feeling messages for no texting…I reallllly like these feeling messages! Thanks!



  178.  #178Daria on June 3, 2010 at 1:16 pm

    man:

    well u know im here for you so i dont know why you dont text me or call me, damn, a send me some sexy pics of you ok

    me:

    i dont like calling men first it fls not good to me.. i fl happy when i c u # an also i fl disapointed cuz i fl kina blah abt texts it fls good to get calls



  179.  #179Siena on June 3, 2010 at 1:17 pm

    Well I’m more into him than I’m into seeing Sex in the City.

    okay out of my head…

    into my body and feelings…

    I don’t feel good changing my schedule for a man who hasn’t committed to me.

    I feel afraid that if I become too available he’ll become bored quickly.

    I feel scared that he’ll think I’m playing a game.

    I don’t want a man who thinks that I’m playing a game because I’m not always available.

    I feel good when I’m available to a man always – but I don’t feel good when they get turned off by that availability.



  180.  #180Laughing goddess on June 3, 2010 at 1:17 pm

    I feel excited Siena. An experiment sounds fun. I feel trusting that he wouldn’t go away just because you are unavailable and if he did, ewwwww. Who wants that anyway. My guess is that it will male him realize your time is valuable and he needs to get on it earlier.



  181.  #181Daria on June 3, 2010 at 1:18 pm

    I feel excited to get dressed for tutoring ! yeah!!

    12 minutes — pushing it AND noticing

    i am learning and tweaking to organize my time so that I feel good



  182.  #182Siena on June 3, 2010 at 1:19 pm

    oh – and I don’t feel bad, I feel disappointed.

    I really want to see him tomorrow night, because I still don’t have plans, but he didn’t suggest it.

    “oh, I feel disappointed because I already have plans for Mon and Wed night. It’d feel good to see you some other time, though… what do you think?”



  183.  #183Brenda on June 3, 2010 at 1:21 pm

    Siena, RE: #113 – You said bout feeling msgs…”They’re like having a stun gun to shoot him with. It’s awesome!”

    LOL! Cute to picture!



  184.  #184Laughing goddess on June 3, 2010 at 1:22 pm

    Siena: I like #171 but what if you left out I feel bad. Why feel bad? You are living your life. There’s nothing bad about that.

    I wouldn’t worry about him thinking you are playing games because you aren’t. You genuinely had those plans and that authenticity will show through.



  185.  #185Siena on June 3, 2010 at 1:22 pm

    ya not bad, but disappointed… but not in him… hmmmm….



  186.  #186Siena on June 3, 2010 at 1:22 pm

    ahhh -bummed – I feel bummed



  187.  #187Siena on June 3, 2010 at 1:23 pm

    oh I feel bummed because I already have plans for Mon and Wed night but I’d like to see you! I’m available another night though… what do you think?



  188.  #188Brenda on June 3, 2010 at 1:25 pm

    Daria, RE” #118 – Where to meet men…the park is a great place! Nature is an automatic romantic setting! Or better yet, to a bird sanctuary! Zoo? Petting zoo? Petstore? Health food store, since you are really into that? Meetings and seminars?



  189.  #189Simply Shannon on June 3, 2010 at 1:25 pm

    Not able to keep up. Just bits and pieces.

    Rori actually says to cancel girls’ night out for a date? I feel surprised.

    My girlfriends are not second class citizens to be dumped for boys.

    I feel resistant to this idea. I HAVE done this in the past and regretted it because the date sucked.



  190.  #190Tallgirl10 on June 3, 2010 at 1:29 pm

    Siena,

    Why would you not tell him the other nights you are available? That feels like a game to withhold info. He has already asked you out, so there is no harm in saying.

    “I feel bummed I am not available on Mon or Tues night, but I am open X, Y, Z night. What do you think?”



  191.  #191Siena on June 3, 2010 at 1:33 pm

    You’re right Tallgirl, there’s no harm in telling him my availability. I didn’t just because I want him to think this is all his idea. The whole thing.

    …and I’m experimenting.

    What I really want is for him to ask me out for tomorrow (haha)



  192.  #192Siena on June 3, 2010 at 1:35 pm

    Also, telling him my availability sounds a little like scheduling my time to me. That’s what I do with clients, and I don’t want to do it in romance.

    I want him to figure out how to get to me, and to work hard to do it. He’ll be richly and warmly rewarded when he does…

    Maybe I’m going overboard, but – again – I’m experimenting here, testing my limits.



  193.  #193Laughing goddess on June 3, 2010 at 1:37 pm

    Siena: what if you just said

    I already have plans but it would feel great to see you, etc etc.

    No I feel bad or bummed. Just matter of fact. I have a life. I’m doing fun things and it’s okay BUT it would feel great to see you. No apologies for having a life.

    Not that it would be the end of the world to say bad or bummed. Im just saying…what if you took it even further?



  194.  #194Brenda on June 3, 2010 at 1:39 pm

    Tallgirl, RE: #140 – You said, “I feel totally overwhelmed and like I am drowning. I can’t believe I told him to call me. I don’t even want to talk to him now. I can’t believe how controlling I can be.

    No wonder he does not want to be with me.”

    CHILL, GIRL!!! You did fantastic!!! Stop “shoulding” on yourself!! How about replacing it with a feeling message that builds you up:

    “I feel totally empowered by my newfound siren skills and like I am floating all around Siren Island, buoyed up by the love and care of my sister Sirens! I look forward to when he calls and asks me out. I can’t believe how wonderful I can be!”



  195.  #195Siena on June 3, 2010 at 1:40 pm

    LG, I already wrote him the bummed part…

    But I like your suggestions too. I DO apologize for who I am a lot, and am trying to get away from that. What I hear you saying is to not apologize for being myself, and to be more rockstar about the whole thing.

    but… what I have written, I have written (haha, Okay Ceasar!)



  196.  #196Brenda on June 3, 2010 at 1:43 pm

    LG, RE: #145 – LOL! I did the same thing in #189 before I read yours! We are really getting to be of one mind, and these tools are empowering!!



  197.  #197Brenda on June 3, 2010 at 1:45 pm

    Daria, RE: #144 – You said, “I feel intimidated that men might judge me as ghetto…”

    Did you ever see “Maid in Manhattan”? JLo plays a hotel maid who meets a politician running for senator. He doesn’t know she’s a maid at first. He sees her as different and genuine, as opposed to the superficial, pretentious rich women he is used to crossing paths with. I bet rich men would be fascinated by you and your feeling-rich self! I feel fascinated by you, I can tell you that! 🙂



  198.  #198Laughing goddess on June 3, 2010 at 1:46 pm

    Siena I hope you don’t mind me exploring this. I’m figuring it out for myself too.

    What came up for me is that here he is asking you out and your first reaction is I feel bummed (or bad)

    I know you feel bummed because you want to see him but on some level he is hearing that him asking you out causes you to feel bummed. That’s why I would just leave it out.

    All he wants to do right now is please you. This is a subtle but powerful way of letting him know that he is.

    About the availability…

    What if you said

    It would feel so good to see you. This week is super busy and the only evening I have open is tomorrow.

    Succinct and to the point. Men love that.



  199.  #199Brenda on June 3, 2010 at 1:50 pm

    Daria, RE: #149 – You said, “(ohhh fear – I have no “other purpose” then men to be at those places, so I will “look desperate”)”

    A previous counselor gave me great advice one time. She said to go where the kind of men are that you want to meet! So, for example, let’s say you mull around a health food store for an hour…you would be having a fantastic time educating yourself on all the herbal stuff you’re interested in, while totally opening your vibe for meeting men, and you WOULD have another purpose!

    For me, Christian meetings and seminars is my ideal place to meet men. That is the kind of man I want to meet, ideally a pastor! So I try to get to new churches where there will be fresh blood! LOL!

    I’ve come to suuuck your blooood! LOL! Or maybe something else?! >;-P



  200.  #200Laughing goddess on June 3, 2010 at 1:51 pm

    Well, I just saw that you already wrote it which is no big deal at all.

    But yes, I am encouraging you to stop apologizing and being the rockstar that you are Siena!



  201.  #201Siena on June 3, 2010 at 1:54 pm

    oh ya, I like that! Succinct and to the point.

    Ya I guess I made him “wrong” for suggesting the wrong days because I already had plans for those days. aw well, he’s tough – he’ll have to deal (haha)

    One of the reasons I hate emailing is that it’s really hard to judge reactions!

    I’ve already showered him with praise and told him he makes me feel good and all that yummy stuff.

    So this might have brought us back to neutral rather than all good… but I feel good because at least it’s not a deficit.

    I hear you ladies telling me to be more clear and to the point. Okay, I can do that 😉



  202.  #202Laughing goddess on June 3, 2010 at 1:56 pm

    Oh Siena I feel bummed 🙂 that I brought that up. I didn’t realize that you already sent it. I feel worried that it will make you feel insecure about what you wrote. I already feel bad about doing that with TG.

    I’m really not doing that with the intention of making anyone feel bad. Just in the spirit of refining and honing our communication skills.

    I really believe we have a lit more leeway with men than we realize.



  203.  #203Brenda on June 3, 2010 at 1:58 pm

    LG, RE: #159 – My previous counselor said if I am coming from a place of depression, insecurity, etc, I need to start somewhere to change my vibe. She encouraged me to fake it till I make it!

    So I started practicing here and there. For example, one time I was homeless, and I was camping by a lake on someone’s 70 acre property with my two dogs. I took a bath in the lake, and then I got dressed up for a job interview near Philadelphia.

    I walked in saying to myself, “I already have the job! I am arriving for my first day of work! I feel so happy I got a new job!” I was smiling, cuz the feelings follow the thots. And I got the job!



  204.  #204Laughing goddess on June 3, 2010 at 2:00 pm

    Ha ha! Our posts are crossing over. I feel a little disjointed.

    I totally agree that it’s no big deal this time. You two already have such good feelings. All is well.

    So… Did you guys figure out a day yet?



  205.  #205Siena on June 3, 2010 at 2:00 pm

    Nah, I don’t feel bad LG. I feel grateful to have your feedback!

    I like the idea that we have more leeway with men than we realize. I sure hope so! I don’t want to have to second guess myself all the time!

    I don’t want a man who will withdrawal because I say the wrong thing, so I feel good knowing that what I said was imperfect… because now I can wait and see what his reaction will be and I will get to know him better.

    I feel weird even “crafting” a feeling message on here because it feels less authentic when I do. But I’m still learning and so I give myself slack.

    Thank you for your sensitivity and feedback LG!



  206.  #206Brenda on June 3, 2010 at 2:02 pm

    Siena, RE” #165 – According to the principles of circular dating, you are in a great place! It is supposed to be busy! You are supposed to be booked! Can you set a different night?

    “Oh, it would feel so good to see you Monday or Wednesday, but I’m booked! How about next Thursday?” or whatever night(s) you have open.



  207.  #207Siena on June 3, 2010 at 2:02 pm

    …haha, no he hasn’t responded yet. I’ll let you know 😉



  208.  #208Brenda on June 3, 2010 at 2:04 pm

    Daria, RE: #166 – Legal ways of making money…

    Will you take 16 minutes out of your life to watch a movie? If you watch it without distractions, it could help you make A LOT of money. If you watch it with distractions, it probably won’t make you any money! Just click on my name…



  209.  #209Simply Shannon on June 3, 2010 at 2:05 pm

    Again, just popping in…

    Tallgirl: An observation for you. I feel interested in how my brain has been working around you.

    When you were asking our advice about texts and being really specific, I could feel my anxiety and frustration go up. I didn’t feel compelled to help you. (embarrassing but true). I felt frustrated.

    When you switched and talked about how you were actually feeling inside, I wanted to help you. I wanted to protect you from the big bad wolves.

    Can you imagine how a guy must feel when we show them this side of ourselves?? We think it will drive them away but in fact it brings out the protector / provider in them. I’m not talking about being someone who needs “fixing” but being vulnerable and admitting we’re not perfect.

    I felt the vibe shift for me with you and it feels good to notice it!

    Okay, jumping off again. Off to volunteer at the teen pregnancy clinic.

    I have to say, I feel excited to be around young girls that I could potentially share Rori-nese. 🙂



  210.  #210Laughing goddess on June 3, 2010 at 2:05 pm

    Brenda: ya. I feel great when I fake it til I make it with my inner self talk. It totally works!

    Congrats on getting the job by the way. That is a super cool story.

    I feel unsure about how faking it til we make it works on the outside with men.

    I guess it becomes incongruous when our outer talk is positive but our inner talk is negative.



  211.  #211Brenda on June 3, 2010 at 2:09 pm

    Siena, RE: #174 – Availability…Rori says in Commitment Blueprint that if he asks you something like, “What? Don’t you want to be with me?” or “What? Are you playing games with me?” you respond, “Oh, that feels so weird, because that’s not the way I feel at all! I love to spend time with you! I’m available ____ night!”



  212.  #212Siena on June 3, 2010 at 2:12 pm

    Thanks Bren. I received the clear message that I should tell him what nights I’m available. Okay, I can do that!

    That’s why I love this place! I ask a question, and I get a clear answer… like magic!



  213.  #213Laughing goddess on June 3, 2010 at 2:12 pm

    Hmmmm interesting interesting

    I feel so interested in this discussion about I feel bummed and how easy it is for me to see things that others are doing but not as easy to see myself. But by seeing others and offering feedback I do learn and see my own patterns.

    So, for instance, rather than feeling bummed and worried that I may have made Siena feel bad should I have been more unapologetic about it and had confidence in what I was saying even after reading that she had aldready sent the text. By writing what I did in #197 was I doing the same thing…apologizing for being myself or was it somehow different? I don’t know?



  214.  #214Laughing goddess on June 3, 2010 at 2:16 pm

    I feel intrigued, amazed, and a bit oomverwhelmed by the subtlies of communication. Mostly intrigued and amazed.



  215.  #215Laughing goddess on June 3, 2010 at 2:21 pm

    Re: feeling messages being a stun gun

    so true!

    When I use them on LI, I can See him melt in front of me. His eyes get wide and he looks in awe of me. Then I will slip back into thoughts and masculine energy and I will see him tighten up and pull away. Then I catch myself and go back in to my feminine energy and he melts again.

    Thank God we do have leeway with them otherwise I would be in trouble!

    It’s so fun though to observe the effect feeling messages have. They are like a key to opening his heart.



  216.  #216Brenda on June 3, 2010 at 2:23 pm

    LG, RE: #205 – I think I’m almost caught up reading all your posts now! I have pretty much HAD to fake it till I made it, up until recently, and sometimes still, cuz I was coming out of such a place of damage on the inside. Years of yelling and criticism from childhood on up took their toll.

    If I responded from the inside in the past, I would have been like, “I feel so depressed. I feel like I’m in a blackhole and can’t get out! I hate life! I hate myself! I feel so insecure! The wind is whistling thru my soul!”

    All that doesn’t fly with men at all, obviously! So little by little, I am reforming my middle! I just love Rori’s rich tools in Modern Siren (and, no, she doesn’t pay me to put in plugs for her, either! I just think she is a rockstar relationship coach!!!)!

    I go inside and visualize myself being water, air, etc, before I am with a man and while I’m with him. I have years of meditating on who I am in God, too, a princess. So I have reformatted my middle, and I like who I am now!



  217.  #217Brenda on June 3, 2010 at 2:26 pm

    Siena, RE: #207 – I didn’t mean to overwhelm you with clear answers! I just happened to have memorized that part from Commitment Blueprint! I want all these situations and solid feeling messages to become automatic for me! I want it to become second nature so I can communicate the most effectively as possible. I am gaining so much confidence in communication all over the place using this! My one girlfriend, Chris, said she noticed it and really likes how my communication style has changed recently!



  218.  #218Siena on June 3, 2010 at 2:29 pm

    No Bren, I didn’t feel overwhelmed! I just got the clear message… I love clear messages!

    I want what you want too! Watch out world!



  219.  #219Laughing goddess on June 3, 2010 at 2:53 pm

    Haha! I was just imagining if Tallgirl or Daria responded to a text with…

    Ya know, texting can be fun and all but it doesn’t feel nearly as good as a walk on the beach or a good make-out session.

    Oh wow! I wonder how a man would respond to that!



  220.  #220Laughing goddess on June 3, 2010 at 2:59 pm

    I can’t remember which siren first suggested something like that but it sounds amazing. Super rockstar style!

    Well my loves, I feel excited to refocus and get myself prepared for three workdays ahead of me. They are going to be fun and LI will be coming back this weekend too.

    I look forward to quieting my NVs and only listening to the uplifters and I wish that for anyone else who wants that as well!

    Much much love and appreciation to all of you!



  221.  #221Laughing goddess on June 3, 2010 at 3:02 pm

    Brenda: I’m so glad to read that you like who you are now cuz you seem super awesome to me!



  222.  #222Tina on June 3, 2010 at 3:08 pm

    Laughing goddess, that comment feels great to me. I would use it, can I borrow it? for future ref 🙂



  223.  #223Daria on June 3, 2010 at 3:14 pm

    Brenda I felt really drawn in by the comment of feeling depressed and the wind whistling. I bet a man would too! Expressing our feelings shows self love. I feel honored when I do so, also when I feel afraid of doing it.



  224.  #224Apple Jacks on June 3, 2010 at 3:25 pm

    Ummmm….guys (I mean girls) I need some help here. I’m going to try to be as clear as I can, I don’t know why I have trouble doing that whenever I type a post…but Tinque is also helping me with this.

    So remember when I told you about Ryan (I’m sure Brenda will remember *winking at Brenda), the guy I had liked before the married man swooped me away from pining from him? Yeah well, I started thinking about him and wished that I was able to present myself to him in my best way, instead of freezing up with shyness and fear and avoiding him every chance I got (this was at my old job btw).

    I was advised that in this case I could, not necessarily lean forward but open the door a crack for him and see if he’d be interested in taking it from there. I thought that I could go up to the front lobby and ask for him and when I see him just talk to him and tell him how much I appreciate him for how he helped me out then, willingly and happily too. I was the only one he was nice to. I was famous at work for being the “only one Ryan would be nice to.” Long story, but for now…the prospect really scares me, and excites me at the same time! What if I totally freeze? I feel that I can do better now then I ever could before, but I don’t have any of the tools. What if I freak and end up sounding like a dork??? Mommy, any suggestions? I don’t have any of the tools, what do I do with my hands, how should I stand, how about my

    I am not looking to necessarily go out with him. Just to be able to talk with him and show him my best light, which he only got to see when I was around others, and speak to him in a manner where I don’t choke on my tongue. I honestly feel like I could do this with someone else, but not with him because of the history. Before the sparks began between us, I spoke to him very fluidly and clearly. I started out hating the crud out of him. I could not stand him at all, I used to refer to him as “mini-shrek,” walked a few steps behind him and either mocked his walk or gestured air kicks towards him. I would turn away and ignore him everytime he came around. I HATED him. And that made it easier to avoid AND speak to him with more assurance lol.



  225.  #225Tallgirl10 on June 3, 2010 at 3:25 pm

    Siena,

    You are going to have a fun date, just remember, men are not mind readers. That is why they like feeling messages so much, it tells them what you are thinking.

    So, to get myself out of the funk about my text, I am getting excited to feel happy when he calls. And I am preparing myself for telling him that I am happy that he called.

    Ring ring –
    Him – hello
    Me – Hey there (with a big smile on my face)
    Him – How are you?
    Me – I am feeling happy to talk to you



  226.  #226Apple Jacks on June 3, 2010 at 3:33 pm

    This may be out of left field but I just have to say…gosh Tony Curtis was such a dish!



  227.  #227Lucy on June 3, 2010 at 3:39 pm

    Daria, you are so cute and funny! — ” I am brilliant pleasant and attractive, and lazy and tend to be about 15 min late to everything! What do you THINK?do you have something for me?”



  228.  #228Lucy on June 3, 2010 at 3:47 pm

    I forget who wrote this, but this is exactly what I have been focusing on with TN man in these recent days: “Also, like Rori said men have icky feelings and it’s okay that we do but there has to be some kind of resiliency where we can pop back out of it and not depend on them to help us do it.”

    I had decided to NOT respond to his text….but tonight while driving my son to doctor, I suddenly felt the desire to respond like this:

    Him: Who says you won’t get to be with me? 🙂

    Me: Silly boy, having a gf puts you in friendzone and I’m not into fwb with a man who has a gf. I’ll still be your f though (that’s “friend” lol).

    He already knows my feelings (from my previous text) and this would be telling him what I DON’T WANT. And still keeping him as a friend (whereas if I don’t respond at all it’s almost like I’m sulking and not even being his friend…)

    Any thoughts?



  229.  #229Lucy on June 3, 2010 at 3:49 pm

    Maybe I should call him silly monkey instead of silly boy. 😀



  230.  #230Laughing goddess on June 3, 2010 at 3:55 pm

    Tina: definitely!!! As long as you report back the results!



  231.  #231Laughing goddess on June 3, 2010 at 4:01 pm

    Lucy: I like silly monkey. Sounds fun and playful!

    TG: I love your response to his call. I feel melty reading it.



  232.  #232Lucy on June 3, 2010 at 4:05 pm

    “Ya know, texting can be fun and all but it doesn’t feel nearly as good as a walk on the beach or a good make-out session.”

    Similar concept — one time TN man texted me “Kisses.”

    I said something like, “I don’t want the word ‘kisses’ — real kisses would feel so much better.”

    He said, “These ARE real.”

    I said, “No, they’re not.”

    He said, “What’s the difference?”

    So I described an in-person kiss in great graphic, chemical-physiological detail.

    Of course he said that made him want to f*ck me right now.

    But apparently the feeling passed. 🙁



  233.  #233Lucy on June 3, 2010 at 4:07 pm

    LG, you like silly monkey… what do you think of the rest of the text? yea or nay?



  234.  #234Apple Jacks on June 3, 2010 at 4:09 pm

    Lucy, I agree with you that texting can be a lot of fun. It can be like a long, build up foreplay.



  235.  #235Laughing goddess on June 3, 2010 at 4:30 pm

    Ya Lucy, it feels good. I don’t know though. Isit truly honest for you. I just rearead it and yes, it feels honest.

    Yes! Yes I like it. Not a feeling message but still feels totally good to me.



  236.  #236Lucy on June 3, 2010 at 4:38 pm

    Thanks, LG. I think I’ll send it!

    I FEEL SCARED!!!!!!!!

    Why do I feel scared?

    I FEEL TERRIFIED!!!

    Why?



  237.  #237Lucy on June 3, 2010 at 4:40 pm

    I feel scared because I have no control over how or even IF he responds.



  238.  #238Lucy on June 3, 2010 at 4:40 pm

    It feels scary to not have control of other people when it matters to your heart.



  239.  #239Brenda on June 3, 2010 at 4:40 pm

    Daria, RE: #218 – I appreciate your comment. I felt that way for years! I felt rejected most of the time when I shared those true depressed feelings with people. I mean, depression used to be so much a part of me that it felt like my very identity.

    I remember one time I was having pillow talk with Ryan. It was last April, the first day I listened to my new Rori Raye CDs!! It was all bout feeling messages, and I had taken notes and really immersed myself into what she was saying.

    I went home in emotional mode. When Ryan started asking me probing questions, which I enjoyed, I went into revealing my heart of hearts. I had never, ever gone so deeply with anuther human being!

    Next thing I knew, he had slid off the bed and was standing, leaning against the window sill. Then I came to the here and now from that deep,deep space inside. I said, “I guess you feel overwhelmed, huh?” He said, “Yeah, a little.” He looked really uncomfortable, and I raised to my hands and knees, really feeling the weight of all the pain and depression inside. I didn’t know what to make of it. I only knew I had never felt so accepted and so understood by another human being! I felt so good sharing gut level from my middle.

    A couple weeks later, that night came up in conversation. He asked me what got me into that deep of an emotional mode. I told him I had just started to listen to a relationship coach that day and my emotions were just raw and exposed as I was going thru self-discovery. Wow, that’s the power of this stuff!

    He admitted it made him feel uncomfortable, but he said I was still welcome to share it. He really liked it when I unzipped my heart. He said, “Emotions are everything.” I really liked that about him, and he could discern my most secret feelings at times without me even stating them.

    So I know sharing deep emotions has its place. But as recently as today, I gave a feeling message to my friend, Chris, and she just couldn’t handle it, cuz it was negative. She just ignored it. Then later she only talked to me after I told her i felt better cuz I had spent the day on Siren Island. That is my experience with most people. They just don’t want to hear it if it isn’t sunshiney.



  240.  #240Lucy on June 3, 2010 at 4:43 pm

    Brenda, I feel curious about the feeling statement that your friend couldn’t handle. Was it blaming?



  241.  #241Brenda on June 3, 2010 at 4:55 pm

    Lucy, Hi, silly monkey! I dunno bout your latest idea to text TN Man. I think something off the wall and totally unexpected, like, “I never learned to share when I was two.” I dunno, I am not feelin what you wrote. I do like the silly monkey part tho.

    The feeling statement was pretty much a condensed text version of what I wrote earlier on here, that outside of the realm of men and relationships I felt overwhelmed, like my life is imploding. I said, “I feel bored and frustrated. Want to go home and work on my life. I feel like I am sinking. i can’t focus on work. How are you doing?” She knows my situation. Because of my depression combined with missing the hell out of Ryan, I have barely been able to stand being home alone since last July. Before he gave the fake proposal, I was with him virtually every evening. We went out frequently or stayed at my home and talked. When he was gone, I felt like I would go insane. Chris couldn’t handle it all then, either. So mebbe it’s just her. She said you are pouring all your energy into a man when other people need you. But I was pouring my energy into healing my pulverized, extracted heart.

    So during all that time, my paperwork just got tossed unopened into boxes. My house got messy and disorganized. I couldn’t function. Then the hip injury on top of it made me really backed up. I am only now starting to plow out of the mess my life is in. At least I am handling being home alone better and starting to get on dating sites. And Siren Island is a huge help…support, friends, a feeling of NOT being alone. So here I am, sitting in my pile of paperwork, on Siren Island when I have a million things to do.

    I got it approved today to take my one week vacation next week. I really wanted to go to the shore with it, but I’ll get caught up on my life, along with getting things moving for my Mom to get out of the nursing home.

    Thanks for asking!



  242.  #242Brenda on June 3, 2010 at 4:58 pm

    AJ, RE: #219 – Talking with YOUR Ryan! Yeah! That sounds wonderful! What a growing experience it will be for you!

    Why do you say you don’t have the tools? You’re a rockstar diva princess siren goddess, are you not? And, you know the Rori Raye dance position, right? You are good with all this. Look deep in the center of his eyes, smile, and share your feelngs. I am really excited to hear the outcome!



  243.  #243Brenda on June 3, 2010 at 5:00 pm

    Lucy,

    How bout this for TN Man…

    “And so he rode off into the sunset with his new girl, while the woman who would always hold him in her heart stood dumbfounded, and cried.”

    Too deep?



  244.  #244Brenda on June 3, 2010 at 5:03 pm

    LG, RE: #214 – You said, “Ya know, texting can be fun and all but it doesn’t feel nearly as good as a walk on the beach or a good make-out session.

    I reallllly love this!! It gets the point across in a most playful, rockstar diva way!



  245.  #245Apple Jacks on June 3, 2010 at 5:13 pm

    Hi Brenda,

    that’s just it. I do not know her dance position or anything like that. I know she addressed it in one of her newsletters but it’s in a pile somewhere. I feel like there’s only so much you can get from newsletters, anyway. I NEED one of her programs to let this stuff really click. Right now it’s sort of disjointed. I have her book, and I am getting the hang of the riffing, but I can’t riff with him (not yet anyway).

    I should find a new code name for him since this is a public board. Peter pan, lol.



  246.  #246Lucy on June 3, 2010 at 5:20 pm

    I just got “winked” at by a good-looking local guy who has this line in his profile:

    “In a relationship I am looking for someone who is caring, honest, has a good sense of humor and isn’t afraid to tell how they feel about things.”

    Haha! A man who is ASKING for feeling messages!

    He’s not my type — no college, blue collar, and (worst) “trying to quit” smoker — but I winked back. He might be fun to CD.



  247.  #247Brenda on June 3, 2010 at 5:27 pm

    AJ, talk to me! Will you email me at mistywindfall@earthlink.net?

    The Rori Raye Dance Position is one foot behind the other, palms slightly out (letting go, not holding), and slightly leaning back.



  248.  #248Sweetpea on June 3, 2010 at 5:34 pm

    Brenda – re: your earlier statement: “I am floating all around Siren Island, buoyed up by the love and care of my sister Sirens!” That imagery feels so good to me. I feel relaxed and calm and peaceful.

    It feels so safe here. I love it!



  249.  #249Sweetpea on June 3, 2010 at 5:36 pm

    Siena,

    I feel curious to know how things go with #1 CD man. Is that right?

    Didn’t Rori say that we are supposed to let men know when we are available and let them work it out? I’m sure I read that somewhere….

    Love to know how it works.



  250.  #250Brenda on June 3, 2010 at 5:37 pm

    Sweetpea, awesome…thank you! It truly is the way I feel! I love it here! I don’t wanna leave! But I have a whole list of things I need to be doing!! I’d far rather operate in my girl energy than boy energy to get things done!



  251.  #251Daria on June 3, 2010 at 5:37 pm

    Im feeling good! just got done tutoring! my new uva ursi batch came in from mountain rose herbs and it smells SO fresh!

    yum!

    i got a new admirer from online who called me and is pursuing me and is NOT younger (some women i hung out with kept saying how i go for the young ones, but boy are they cute – i said i go for all ages if theyre cute hehe)… so he’s 34 and i like him so far… hehe

    hes getting his car fixed on saturday – seems mature and about ME

    yeah!

    it felt easy to be in feminine energy with him

    he called 2 times, left a voice mail, and sent a text when i didnt get to call him back… within 20 min of my giving him my number heeh!

    i feel flattered!

    (it was not a stalkerish attitude/feeling)



  252.  #252Amy F on June 3, 2010 at 5:40 pm

    So Sirens – here is something interesting where a man is so desperate and throwing so much needy energy at me, I feel totally uncomfortable.

    I met a man online, we met, I liked him and made out with him. Then he lied to me. I told him that I feel uncomfortable with lying and I did not want to see him anymore. He went away, came back and begged me to go out to lunch with him. I said yes, and was actually looking forward to it for the purposes of CD. I just got an email from him telling me he really feels something from me and he needs to know I feel something too or lunch is canceled. HUH?? Why not have a nice lunch, talk and maybe something will ignite again between us. I feel totally turned off!!!

    This is how men must feel when we NEED to define the relationship, act desperate, clingy and needy. It’s not pretty and is a total turn off. This is a great lesson!



  253.  #253Brenda on June 3, 2010 at 5:43 pm

    So I have a new CD man, Kyle, and here’s how it goes…

    Kyle, about Native Americans:

    well, too many times, a lot of the deconstucted info” put out by political correct leftest types is utter nonsense. pour le example as one film critic put it, all the white folks in plays with wolves cept for kevin costner, are negative figures. history is written many times by the winners. but in that movies case, it was lots of propanganda at times.i am from up state ny, and the iroquois were merceneries..guns for hire, who were quite smart about playing the french, dutch, and english off each other for arms, tools, etc. couple good flics to see are the black robe” set in early 1700’s st laurence river valley. in that flick, the mohawks/iroquois are actually the bad” people vs the montagais/abnaki and their allies the french. also the mission, with robert de niro in 1800’s latin american, with native americans in brazil? i am interested in a long term relationship. unfortunatley,many of the females on these ads are using the ads since they are lonely, and want ego and self esteem attention from m ake believe friends” on the internet.. which is really manipulative and user. what do u work at? u live a hour west of phillie? do u have children? how many dogs? what kind of food do u cook? and eat? what kind of wine/le vin/vino.. rouge ou blanc? do u like, or biere’?film, tv? i will try and send u couple of u tubes as far as the films mentioned.. later,

    Brenda:

    Whew, that felt weird! We were having a great convo about native Americans, and next thing I know, I’m feeling like heavy vibes. I guess we’ve all been disappointed, in one way or another. I guess it felt like going from 10 mph to 100 mph in a millisecond! I feel uncomfortable feeling judged before you even get to know me. I feel downright attacked, really, and that feels icky.

    As for the negative figures in the stories, I either believe them or have been a victim to them. I am sure the Native Americans weren’t perfect, but history proves itself that the whites basically stole their land and destroyed a lot of the purity. No more clean water in the rivers and streams; tribes starved out of hiding and then forced to march if they were lucky enuff to survive; others pushed from their fertile lands with pine trees with shade to out in the middle of the desert with one river, which even that the whites were trying to reroute for industry. I side with the Native Americans, and I can understand why they don’t trust whites as a rule.

    I like to get to know someone organically, that is, for things to develop naturally. I want to be a wife, and I am waiting for a man with a beautiful heart. I am a document specialist, and I format and edit documents at a pharmaceutical company. I live in _______ County, and I have no children, unless you count my dogs, which I call “daughers” (doggers!) 🙂 I like Mexican food best, as well as Italian, Chinese, and lots of salads! What kind of food do you like? I like fruity mixed drinks. I like chick flicks mostly, as in romance. I also like adventure and humor movies. How about you?

    I’ll check out the youtube videos…thank you!

    I’m not really asking a question here…if you wannna give feedback, you’re welcome to. I was just astounded how negatively he came at me right in the middle of a normal conversation! I am repeatedly disappointed by men on singles websites. Ugh. I dunno if he’ll write back, and I don’t care in the least.



  254.  #254Sweetpea on June 3, 2010 at 5:43 pm

    UPDATE:

    LG, Tallgirl, Siena, Lucy, Brenda… I guess I could just say this to all of you. Thank you so much for your help. I was chatting with on the previous blog about LVMan and the masculine energy. You all helped me so much (if I’m leaving anyone out, it’s not intentional). Just wanted to let you know that I sent him the email telling him that I had just realized the message I sent him previously sounded accusatory and that wasn’t my intent… and feeling, feeling, blah… I posted what I was considering on the other blog. That is what I sent verbatim. Wanted to let you all know that not only did I hear back from him, but he actually opened up to me a little about what’s going on with him.
    I wrote back just to say it sounded sucky and hoped it got better soon – not expecting to get anything back. To my utter amazement and surprise, when I got up this morning, I had a message from him that started …:”It’s 3 am, just got off work but saw your message and wanted to reply. Have to be back at 10….” Yay!!!!!
    I feel good about this.
    Thanks again for all your help, Sister Siren Goddesses!
    WE ROCK!!! Rockstar. I feel like a rockstar!!!!



  255.  #255Brenda on June 3, 2010 at 5:47 pm

    Sweetpea! Awesome! I have needed these tools my whole life! I feel so appreciative cuz this is life-changing! Just think what beautiful marriages we are all going to have after attending Siren University!



  256.  #256Sweetpea on June 3, 2010 at 5:50 pm

    Brenda, I know! I feel excited that these are tools I will be able to use all through my marriage to keep things going strong. I used to feel afraid that I would never be able to make a relationship, let alone a marriage work. NOW I feel super excited and confident that I can make a marriage work and work well!
    That, to me, is the best part!



  257.  #257Sweetpea on June 3, 2010 at 5:52 pm

    Brenda – I just read about the online convo you were having. Where did that come from?

    I have heard a lot of guys say that most of the women on these sites seem to just want “on-line chat buddies” and never want to meet. Do you think that’s what he is referring to? It sort of seemed like it to me, but I don’t know what the rest of the convo was….



  258.  #258Apple Jacks on June 3, 2010 at 5:52 pm

    Brenda – thanks. For the email and the dance position. You’ll be hearing from me.

    Daria – awesome! One thing about when you said where it feels easy to be in your feminine energy with the 34 year old. Dude…I find that for myself, men who are older or the same age as I am I feel it very easy to be in my feminine energy with. I LOVE it!!



  259.  #259Brenda on June 3, 2010 at 5:55 pm

    Sweetpea, Kyle is just a man I started to email yesterday from a dating site. That IS the whole convo. Up till now he’s been talking about Native Americans and just some basics. Just out of the sky blue he started in about women on the net using people. Great way to start a relationship, huh? I’m like whoa! What did I do wrong??? Nothin! You don’t even know me, dude!



  260.  #260Brenda on June 3, 2010 at 5:58 pm

    Let me ask you guys something little. I call Ryan Dollbaby. I started calling him that in my head, cuz he’s so sensitive, and, at heart, so childlike. Then a couple months into our relationship, I started calling him that out loud. I guess it’s forward leaning to have a nickname for a man? He said he didn’t mind but I sensed he felt uncomfortable with it. Mebbe cuz it’s not a very masculine sounding name.

    Just wondered what you guys think bout nicknames when talking to your guy. I love Dollbaby!



  261.  #261Sweetpea on June 3, 2010 at 6:03 pm

    Brenda,

    My thought on nicknames is that if a guy uses them with me, I will use them back if I feel comfortable with it. i.e. LVMan called me “sweetie” a couple of times when we first started chatting and I liked it. It felt good, but I didn’t tell him ‘cuz I was just starting to read about feeling messages.

    After the “sweeties” dwindled down, I decided I liked it and I was going to get some more “sweeties” (dammit! lol). So I called him “baby”. That got me my “sweeties” back. So now, things have dwindled down, but next time he calls me “sweetie” I’ll be sure to tell him how good it feels.

    Anyway… I sure chased the rabbit around the bush on that one, didn’t I? Anyway… that’s how I handle it. What do you think? Was that leaning forward?



  262.  #262Sweetpea on June 3, 2010 at 6:06 pm

    My personal favorite is, “Sunshine”, but I’ll use “cupcake” if they’re seeming aggressive. lol – Used to love to tell a guy, “simmer down, cupcake” when he was getting wound up about something – not at me, of course, that would probably have made it worse. But it really takes the wind out of the ol’ “mad sails” when I say that. Hee, hee. I’m a li’l ornery!



  263.  #263Laughing goddess on June 3, 2010 at 6:07 pm

    Yay Sweetpea!!! I feel so so happy for you! I feel teary eyed (in a good way) 🙂



  264.  #264Laughing goddess on June 3, 2010 at 6:09 pm

    Lucy: my guess is you feel scared cuz you’re listening to your nasty voices. Is it true?



  265.  #265Sweetpea on June 3, 2010 at 6:15 pm

    Thank you Laughing Goddess! It feels really good! What feels best though is that I’m still not attached to the outcome. If he comes here we will meet, if not, we probably won’t. But maybe I’ll be surprised! Yay!

    Surprised! That’s how I’m supposed to feel when I just let go – right? Let yourself be surprised. Progress, progress. Yay, yay, yay!



  266.  #266Brenda on June 3, 2010 at 6:22 pm

    Sweetpea, I do stuff like that too, being ornery calling him cupcake! I got it from a Steven Segal movie! LOL!

    I think your explanation of how you use and when you use nicknames sound perfect! Thanks!



  267.  #267Lucy on June 3, 2010 at 6:37 pm

    Brenda, I took what he said as not being an attack or judgment about you personally, but that he was sharing with you his observation and frustration about online dating in general. What do you think?



  268.  #268Lucy on June 3, 2010 at 6:44 pm

    LG, feeling scared about sending the text doesn’t seem to be coming from nv’s — there are really no thoughts behind the feeling….it seems to just be the awareness of not being in control of the outcome of any of it….kinda like free fall, not knowing where you’re gonna land I guess! The good part of it is that I am not TRYING to get any particular outcome thru my words — no agenda — just expressing to him “my truth” — which is scary, cuz who knows what he will do with it, ya know?

    Maybe that’s what vulnerability and real intimacy is all about.

    Maybe it’s the intimacy and vulnerability that I feel afraid of . . . but I’m pushing through my fear!

    I haven’t actually sent the text yet though! SO if anyone else has any insight about it, I’d love to hear it!



  269.  #269Siena on June 3, 2010 at 7:09 pm

    Sweetpea,

    Yay for you! So glad to hear about LVman’s response!

    #1CD responded to me with, “no worries, how about Thurs at 6:30?”

    He just keeps getting major points in my book. 😉



  270.  #270Brenda on June 3, 2010 at 7:12 pm

    Lucy, Kyle may have been expressing his frustration about online dating, but hey, it’s a really negative way to start out with a woman. The implication is, “I hope you’re not like that.” I just don’t like it. And my feeling messages may have been overly much, but I was just telling him how I felt. And I honestly don’t care if he likes it or not.



  271.  #271Brenda on June 3, 2010 at 7:14 pm

    Siena, I’m happy for you! You diva you! I want your life! 🙂



  272.  #272Lucy on June 3, 2010 at 7:19 pm

    Siena, do you have any thoughts about my possible text to TN man #223?

    I still haven’t gotten up the nerve to send it……



  273.  #273Siena on June 3, 2010 at 7:26 pm

    Thanks Bren – you want my job? (haha)

    Lucy, I do have thoughts about your text… this is just me, so mull over what would feel good to you… but…

    You don’t want to be this guy’s friend. Why do you say you do? You want to jump his bones and have the other girl totally out of the picture, right?

    He reminds me so much of 5 Year Man. The way you feel about him reminds me so much of how I felt about 5 year man!

    Looking back, here’s what I wish I had done differently: I wish I had found a man who was really crazy about me, so that when 5 year man came back around (which he always did – your guy will too) I was so wrapped up in the new guy that 5 year man had to make up his mind about me for real and pursue me, and I could be the chooser – not him.

    If he had sent me that text, I would just ignore it. Cry it all out, punch the pillow, pick up cross-country running, and figure out a way to get another man consistently taking me out.

    I would consider him dead (that’s what I had to do with 5 year man) and mourn his passing. And every time he came to my mind, I would remind myself that he didn’t have the balls to come get me (or something that made him undesirable).

    I feel so much for you Lucy. I know the place you’re in. It’s no fun!

    Go out with the 25 yo! Let him wine and dine you. Who cares how old he is!



  274.  #274tallgirl10 on June 3, 2010 at 7:33 pm

    I am really proud of myself.

    A. He called – and while I felt really scared and nervous and anxious, I called him back anyway. I spent time feeling the feelings, and then choosing to act. I had thought about playing a game of texting him back some lie that I was out.

    B. I called him back, but he did not answer. Since he had sent me a text asking me to call him back, I said – “Hey there! I feel happy to see you called and bummed that I just missed you. Tag you’re it.”

    C. He texted me back saying he was eating and wants to call me back in a bit.

    D. I said the truth – “Sure thing! I am going to bed around ten because I have an early meeting, so if you are not done in time, let’s touch base tmrw or sat. Enjoy your dinner. “. I hate early meetings, but that is my life right now.

    I have thought about this, and since I have mentally prepared myself for the fade out with his pull back, I am really going to try to be more authentic, less flip, and really lean back to see what he does. I will give it a month.

    I think he may skip on picking up the oars, but I am going to work on my feeling messages and being honest at all times.

    This is super hard for me, but I will learn something new.



  275.  #275tallgirl10 on June 3, 2010 at 7:34 pm

    oops, he called while I was having people over, so I was unable to answer the phone.



  276.  #276Siena on June 3, 2010 at 7:34 pm

    yay TG! You go! That was awesome, the whole thing!



  277.  #277Brenda on June 3, 2010 at 7:36 pm

    Lucy,…or send the 25 yr old my direction! LOL! Ryan turned me into a cougar!! Roaowwww! LOL!

    I like what Siena said…she has the experience to know where you’re at. And it does hurt, when you got time in with this prince! And she just met him.

    Here’s another idea…”What do YOU want with me? FWB? A ménage-a-trois? Or a spare in the trunk? Are you a playa? ”

    How do you feel bout that?



  278.  #278dorothea on June 3, 2010 at 7:37 pm

    what o what is goin on here….sometimes i get distracted with work and life and then there are hundreds of comments and i have no idea how everyone is doing. i feel disconnected.



  279.  #279Brenda on June 3, 2010 at 7:38 pm

    TG! Yeah! You owe me a nickel! He called! And he didn’t text! I’m happy for you!



  280.  #280Brenda on June 3, 2010 at 7:40 pm

    Dorothea, we’ve spent the day gossiping about you! Eh-eh! Nah, just kiddin. We’ve just been hanging out havin girl talk!



  281.  #281tallgirl10 on June 3, 2010 at 7:40 pm

    Brenda,

    I agree with Siena, I would just stay away from this man. This sounds very toxic, and I may be a puritan, but I feel very uncomfortable with your flirting with a man who has a girlfriend.

    Even if you tell him he is just a friend, this whole thing has overtones that makes me feel icky and sad for his girlfriend.

    More on to someone who is at least emotionally unavailable, but does not have a girlfriend, hehe!



  282.  #282Brenda on June 3, 2010 at 7:41 pm

    Tallgirl, I will assume you were directing that to Miss Lucy…



  283.  #283Laughing goddess on June 3, 2010 at 7:44 pm

    Wow TG! That’s awesome!



  284.  #284Lucy on June 3, 2010 at 7:59 pm

    I feel angry reading tallgirl feels sorry for the girl.



  285.  #285Lucy on June 3, 2010 at 8:00 pm

    I’m not doing anything wrong.



  286.  #286Lucy on June 3, 2010 at 8:01 pm

    I feel icky and sad for ME.



  287.  #287Lucy on June 3, 2010 at 8:03 pm

    Siena, I appreciate your taking the time to share your insights.

    Yeah, it’s true that I want the other girl out of the picture, but I know I can’t always have what I want…..

    so, it’s like if I can’t have that, I at least still want to be friends, like we were before. So it is true that I want to be his friend.

    I feel confused about this! 🙁



  288.  #288Lucy on June 3, 2010 at 8:07 pm

    The scenario you described . . . what you wish you had done . . .

    1. I have been TRYING to find another man to be wrapped up in! But I can’t find any!

    2. If you had done that, and 5 year man had come back and pursued you, would you have wanted him? or was he toxic?



  289.  #289Lucy on June 3, 2010 at 8:09 pm

    You know what? If I didn’t have kids almost as old as him, I would go out with 25. But it would really weird out my kids. They already think it’s weird that I even fb chat with him.



  290.  #290Lucy on June 3, 2010 at 8:12 pm

    I feel angry reading “I feel very uncomfortable with your flirting with a man who has a girlfriend.”

    I feel like I am being shamed.

    I haven’t felt shamed in a long time.

    Hello old friend, shame.



  291.  #291Siena on June 3, 2010 at 8:12 pm

    Well, I don’t know about toxic. But he was terrified of intimacy, and I eventually realized I was too (which is why I picked him).

    I heard about 6 months ago that the only girl he wants to date nowadays lives in Germany. LOL! Talk about long distance!



  292.  #292tallgirl10 on June 3, 2010 at 8:16 pm

    Lucy,

    I did not mean to be critical, and I am so sorry if you felt uncomfortable.

    I am very sensitive to being involved in a flirtation with any man who has a girlfriend or a wife. The reason being is that there are few truly open relationships. Unless I know explicitly that the other person is aware that the man is flirting and is ok with it, it feels like a betrayal. But that is for me. That does not need to be for you.

    I do feel sorry for her if she is unaware that her boyfriend is making sexual overtures to another woman. If my boyfriend was doing that, i would feel mad, sad, and angry.

    That does not mean you are doing anything wrong, but I would she thinks he is.

    I am sorry if that makes you angry, but I feel I have to say my peace about men who are taken.



  293.  #293tallgirl10 on June 3, 2010 at 8:16 pm

    Lucy,

    It sounds like you are making it clear you only want to be friends, and that sounds very healthy! Darn that attraction, it gets the best of us sometimes.



  294.  #294Lucy on June 3, 2010 at 8:17 pm

    NV: Bad Lucy!

    My mom always told me that I reminded her of that poem, The Girl with the Curl…

    There was a little girl
    Who had a little curl
    Right in the middle of her forehead.
    When she was good
    She was very very good
    But when she was bad she was horrid.

    She even called me the girl with the curl. Even called me that a couple years ago.



  295.  #295Lucy on June 3, 2010 at 8:18 pm

    Siena, so he is still available and still scared of intimacy?



  296.  #296tallgirl10 on June 3, 2010 at 8:19 pm

    Lucy,

    I was not trying to shame you. I am very sorry if you feel that way. I was stating what is for me, that does not need to be for you.



  297.  #297Lucy on June 3, 2010 at 8:19 pm

    What would you do if he came back NOW and pursued you and was ready for intimacy?



  298.  #298tallgirl10 on June 3, 2010 at 8:20 pm

    I also want to amend my feeling statement. I feel uncomfortable with flirting with any man who is taken. I should not have put you in it. I will keep my stuff, my stuff.



  299.  #299Lucy on June 3, 2010 at 8:25 pm

    Tallgirl, “It sounds like you are making it clear you only want to be friends, and that sounds very healthy!”

    Well, yeah, basically that’s what I was saying in that proposed text— You have a gf; I don’t want to be fwb with a man who has a gf.

    I would never have started flirting with a man who has a gf — we have been at this for several months, though, and he JUST GOT this girlfriend. That’s why I’m kinda saying whoa buddy, you have a gf…



  300.  #300Siena on June 3, 2010 at 8:27 pm

    If he’s healed his intimacy stuff, and came to find me, I might fold him into my CDs. We’d have a lot to work thru, though. I literally watched all of our friends get married (and have babies) while we were “hanging out”. I can’t tell you how much pain & ickyness I felt during those years. But I stuck bc I believed that’s what love does. Sticks even when it hurts.

    His dad invited me to lunch about 5 months ago. Probably to see if I was still single too.

    So it’s a good question, but I really don’t know how I’d feel or what I’d do! I really mourned his death, so I guess I haven’t considered how it would go if he showed up!



  301.  #301Brenda on June 3, 2010 at 8:28 pm

    TG, at the risk of sounding like the house den mother, I will say Lucy has been acquainted with him and friends electronically for 2-3 yrs. He JUST met this new woman, who is bi, and he stated that “I may have found a GF”. So it’s complex. It IS open, cuz they were discussing a ménage-a-trois.

    It really is hurting Lucy, cuz he just moved from TN to PA for a job. He is finally somewhat local, and now he met a new girl before even meeting Lucy, after all this time. I am thinkin mebbe you didn’t know all this.



  302.  #302Daria on June 3, 2010 at 8:28 pm

    Lucy – ooooh I feel DELICIOUS reading about the girl with the curl!

    it makes me feel like YESSSS horrid power!!!

    heheheheheeeeee .. im bad. im bad. im so so bad.

    ohhh I do so love it

    Im gettin images of it and everything

    There was a little girl
    Who had a little curl
    Right in the middle of her forehead.
    When she was good
    She was very very good
    But when she was bad she was horrid.

    YUM!!!



  303.  #303tallgirl10 on June 3, 2010 at 8:29 pm

    So text man called back, and it was good to have a time component to the call because I wanted to go to bed now – but now I am writing.

    So he called, and it always starts off a bit slow, but my good mood usually changes that. We talked about my trip, his new grill and a few other things.

    I decided to not row the boat. At one point, he asked me about my weekend, and he stumbled on his words and then asked about my meeting. Then he asked what I am up to on the weekend.

    Then he asked about my weekend. I said the truth, that I had plans tmrw night, and that I was open on Sat. He said he did not really have any plans. So then I said I should get going.

    As I was saying to have a goodnight, he asked if I wanted to go out on Sat.

    Did I just force him to ask me out? I don’t think so, I was literally trying to say – ok, I should go now, purposely not trying to give to much chance to ask me out, and give him in out.

    So, when we go out, I will lean way way back and observe. I will not call him for plans (he asked what I wanted to do, and he was clear to point out that he does not usually make a lot of plans, which I think was a warning for the future, which is ok). Also, I will watch to see if he is being romantic or friendly with me. If it is looking friendly, I will assume the fade out is happening, and I will lean back some more and let him walk away.

    I plan to observe for a month.

    I also said I felt good that we got a chance to talk.



  304.  #304Brenda on June 3, 2010 at 8:31 pm

    Lucy, I hope you don’t mind that I chimed in there. I was just stating things you’ve already shared on the site.

    Siena, ouch, hanging on for five years with him. I feel so sad when I realize how much pain we have each been thru. Wish I could take it all away.

    Nite-nite! It’s 11:30 pm here…



  305.  #305Lucy on June 3, 2010 at 8:32 pm

    It’s okay, tallgirl, it’s not you — it’s my own little shame trigger. I have healed a great deal of shame over the past few months, but this is definitely exposing a bit that isn’t completely healed.

    It feels so weird that I would end up feeling shame around this situation! I thought I was INNOCENT in this situation — the one who got her heart broken!

    How did I end up being the GUILTY one here????

    (not blaming you, tallgirl . . . just perplexed at that pernicious trigger!!!!)



  306.  #306tallgirl10 on June 3, 2010 at 8:33 pm

    Lucy,

    Sounds like you are doing the best you can. I applaud you for trying to navigate a hard situation. It can be hard to put on boundaries and remain open at the same time.



  307.  #307Lucy on June 3, 2010 at 8:34 pm

    Daria! LOL!!! I’m glad you like the girl with the curl! Maybe you can help me see it in a different perspective and redeem that blasted poem from my childhood!!!!!



  308.  #308Brenda on June 3, 2010 at 8:36 pm

    Tallgirl, YYEEAAHH!!! Congratulations! You got a live, in person date with the King of Texting!! Ya did it! Celebrate your moment! What’s this I hear bout you still wondering if he’s fading out? LOL! You got a date, and that’s what your wise messages and leaning back got ya! Like Daria says, YUM!

    LOL! I got a real kick out of you enjoying Horrid Power, Daria! YUM!! LOLOLOLOLOLOL!!!!! Ggggrrrrrr!



  309.  #309Daria on June 3, 2010 at 8:37 pm

    ohh i seee the lil girl
    oh i love it so

    Lucy check out my blog post right now!



  310.  #310Daria on June 3, 2010 at 8:37 pm

    ummm I mean NOW (oops)



  311.  #311Brenda on June 3, 2010 at 8:39 pm

    My Mom used to sing that poem to my niece when she was two! She would throw tantrums laying on the floor and kicking anything within reach! My niece is 19 now, but my Mom still sings it to her, just for a laff! When she gets to the last word, she pauses and then says it real loud, “HORRID!!”



  312.  #312Daria on June 3, 2010 at 8:41 pm

    ie you can click on my name to take you there



  313.  #313Brenda on June 3, 2010 at 8:41 pm

    You guyyyyyss….I don’t WANT to go to bed! I wanna stay on Siren Island! It’s the 24 hr a day slumber party here! 🙂



  314.  #314tallgirl10 on June 3, 2010 at 8:41 pm

    Are you sure he did not feel like he had to ask me out. That is what it felt like. I was clear to try to get off the phone when it was getting slow, and I did not ask about his weekend.

    Why do I feel like he had to?



  315.  #315Siena on June 3, 2010 at 8:44 pm

    There once was a girl
    Who had a curl
    Right in the middle of her forehead
    And when she was good
    She was very very good
    And when she was bad
    She was GREAT!

    -my dad, speaking about my mom. Believing I was too young to know what he was saying.

    LOL – a glimpse into my childhood ladies! My mom was (is) a Siren the whole time, which is part of the reason I resisted it for so long!



  316.  #316Daria on June 3, 2010 at 8:44 pm

    i am very verrry good… i feel my eyes tearing up… but when i am bad… i am HORRID!!!

    HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEe

    I feeel JOYFUL!!!



  317.  #317Daria on June 3, 2010 at 8:46 pm

    tallgirl –

    yes HE DID have to ask you out. BECAUSE IF NOT YOU WERE GONNA GET OFF THE PHONE !!!!

    hahahaha!!

    you have better things to do and he knows it

    he better step up… SO HE DID!!!

    YEAH!!!

    AWESOME HUGE GIANT BABYSTEPS!!!



  318.  #318Lucy on June 3, 2010 at 8:47 pm

    Daria! That’s awesome! I love the pic! (kinda looks like me too!)



  319.  #319Lucy on June 3, 2010 at 8:51 pm

    So, Siena…. You think I should just give up the friendship and everything?



  320.  #320Lucy on June 3, 2010 at 8:52 pm

    Daria, if you have any tips on how I can feel good about being horrid, please pass em along. thank you.



  321.  #321Siena on June 3, 2010 at 8:55 pm

    Lucy, yes.

    Give it up to have a chance for what you really want.

    Have you ever heard the saying, “the enemy of ‘best’ is ‘good'”? (something like that)

    You give up something good to hold out for the best.



  322.  #322Brenda on June 3, 2010 at 8:57 pm

    Tallgirl you did it PERFECTAMUNDO!! You getting off the phone is just so perfect that I think you should get the Siren of the Week Award!! Stop doubting yourself, okay? You worked Rori’s tools and you did it JUST RIGHT!

    I just had some more healing from childhood! I am emailing my two brothers about my Mom’s nursing home situation. My brother said something that I took as a direct insult, and I said, “I feel the sting of that jab”. He wrote straight back and clarified…it was just a misunderstanding on my part! And feeling messages revealted that! All the time in my past I just absorbed hurt from one putdown after another from my brothers. Tonight I voiced it, uncovered a mere misunderstanding, and ya know what? I feel empowered! I normally would have carried that pain for years. Ok, I really am going to beddy bye now!



  323.  #323Brenda on June 3, 2010 at 8:59 pm

    Lucy, I always say my horns hold up my halo! And bad is good! I love to be baaaad!

    Snore!



  324.  #324dorothea on June 3, 2010 at 9:01 pm

    i don’t feel bad for a man’s gf. i keep in mind that he is the way he is (flirty even with a lady at home) when he is flirting with me and i might hold it against him or hesitate to accept his offers. but i don’t think of her.

    and from now on i choose to believe she is a siren like me
    and is circular dating

    and if not well gee i hope this new paradigm to which we have all migrated here starts to catch on like a virus.

    the rori virus!



  325.  #325dorothea on June 3, 2010 at 9:04 pm

    why do i have to mind HER dating mistake
    of not cd’ing

    why am i going to commission myself with preserving her imaginary relationship



  326.  #326Daria on June 3, 2010 at 9:05 pm

    Lucy –

    i don’t want to be good all the time! I want to feel BAD

    unleash my inner DRAMA QUEEN. I Love all of me!!

    i am all that “bad”, “good” , and “horrid”

    i love all OF ME!!!



  327.  #327Siena on June 3, 2010 at 9:15 pm

    I want to meet this guy. Does anyone know him? (haha)

    http://www.facebook.com/Curtis-Stone



  328.  #328Lucy on June 3, 2010 at 9:37 pm

    He’s cute, Siena.

    I would like to know if interloper girl has a Very Fun Brother. hehehe.



  329.  #329Lucy on June 3, 2010 at 9:41 pm

    Daria, I have been shamed for being “bad” my whole life. I don’t know how to not feel shame around being “bad.”

    My mom used to say, “Jesus wants you to be a good girl. Jesus doesn’t like it when you are naughty.”

    She would say that when she’d tuck me in at night if I had been a naughty girl that day. I would cry and cry and say I’m sorry over and over and ask for a big kiss and a little kiss and a big hug and a little hug.

    I wanted Jesus and my mom to feel good about me. 🙁



  330.  #330Lucy on June 3, 2010 at 9:43 pm

    Daria, I have been shamed for being “bad” my whole life. I don’t know how to not feel shame around being “bad.”

    My mom used to say, “J*sus wants you to be a good girl. J*sus doesn’t like it when you are naughty.”

    She would say that when she’d tuck me in at night if I had been a naughty girl that day. I would cry and cry and say I’m sorry over and over and ask for a big kiss and a little kiss and a big hug and a little hug.

    I wanted J*sus and my mom to feel good about me. 🙁



  331.  #331dorothea on June 3, 2010 at 9:48 pm

    lucy
    you and i both know that’s not *quite* was jesus wants of us and that the teachings of jesus are way beyond this “be a good girl” thing. i feel so happy that you get to have your own beliefs and concepts now about morality and religion and pass them on to the next generation as you see fit. hug that little girl who would cry and cry and ask for hugs and kisses when u thought you were being bad and hug your desire to please your mama and/or jesus as you were taught was right at the time.



  332.  #332Daria on June 3, 2010 at 9:51 pm

    Lucy – hehe i think we all have! I practice loving all my feelings… that has helped me immensely

    i also practice knowing that we are ALL good and bad,

    and going in to HUG my strangers and ask them to be more whole

    and how much more powerful i feel after that

    the more i hug the parts that i feel bad about the bigger and more wonderful i feel



  333.  #333Apple Jacks on June 3, 2010 at 9:52 pm

    Siena, I watched Celebrity Apprentice on and off this season (never seen it before) so I know Curtis Stone. He is adorable and Australian. He’s a celebrity chef. Yeah I was into him for like four weeks lol. He’s like an Australian Bradley Cooper. Funny how you posted about him.



  334.  #334Apple Jacks on June 3, 2010 at 9:55 pm

    I feel you on the shame and naughtiness Lucy. At least you’re not alone, I can relate to you A LOT on that.



  335.  #335Daria on June 3, 2010 at 10:00 pm

    The Stranger exercise is in Toxic Men.

    I don’t know when I learned to love all parts of me, but it was here.

    I was very into martyrdom and loyalty extreme selflessness previously… coupled with some extreme masculine head energy



  336.  #336dorothea on June 3, 2010 at 10:03 pm

    jesus jesus jesus it appears as though the word jesus triggers comment moderation

    OOHH JESUS WEEEEE

    jesus wears slippers.



  337.  #337dorothea on June 3, 2010 at 10:05 pm

    i made a comment for lucy but it is being moderated because it mentions mary and joseph’s lil love child by name…



  338.  #338Daria on June 3, 2010 at 11:12 pm

    I’m getting a lot of calls from men now!

    including Dman, who is apologizing for talking to his baby mom! hehe

    i feel good about all this



  339.  #339Laughing goddess on June 3, 2010 at 11:48 pm

    Oh my goodness! I feel so excited! So much good news today!

    Daria’s dman and other men calling

    Brenda’s using feeling messages with bros and Ryan calling

    Siena with #1 steppin up

    Tallgirl rockin the tools with texter (he needs a new name)

    Sweetpea rockstaring it with LV

    Dorothea poppin in with her wisdom

    Lucy’s being a rockstar with getting closer

    SS fasting and helping the preggers teens

    Applejacks is gonna practice her skills with Ryan

    and I am feeling much clearer about my LI/MM situation

    yay! What a great day on siren island!!!!



  340.  #340Laughing goddess on June 3, 2010 at 11:52 pm

    Dorothea:

    “why do i have to mind HER dating mistake
    of not cd’ing

    why am i going to commission myself with preserving her imaginary relationship”

    Hi! And I couldn’t agree more!



  341.  #341lucy on June 4, 2010 at 12:22 am

    LG, how am i being a rockstar?



  342.  #342Laughing goddess on June 4, 2010 at 12:36 am

    Lucy:

    well, the way you are handling the situation feels rock star to me. The way you are waiting to get clear beofre you respond, the way you have been responding to him. It all feels really good. I know you’ve been working through you emotions, some of which have been kinda tough but it seems like you are in a good place now.

    I can see Siena’s point about not being his friend and I know that Rori suggests that sometimes too but…if I were in your situation, I would quite possibly consider being his friend. I guess it just depends on if you can emotionally handle it or not. Depends on if he feels toxic or not.



  343.  #343Laughing goddess on June 4, 2010 at 12:45 am

    From what I understand, Rori recommends not being his friend when you have already been in a relationship and it’s not working, or if you wanna really just want to be his lover and not just his friend. But it sounds like you two have always been friends with the potential of being more if you were in the same location. Sounds like he just met someone who was closer first and things clicked. Sounds like it could have been you had the logistics worked out. Rori doesn’t recommend long distance relationships. Maybe he intuitively knows this and wanted to be with someone who lives in his town. Maybe it’s nothing personal.

    But…if being his friend means that you will still be hung up on him, torturing yourself over how adorable interloper is, distract you from men who are showing up right here, right now, stopping you from cd-ing…

    Then no, it doesn’t feel in your best interest to be his friend.



  344.  #344Rori Raye on June 4, 2010 at 12:45 am

    Eslyn -Welcome, and I’m so sorry – but what’s going on is that there’s something wrong. Unless you wish to live a celibate life or one with a man who is either not interested in sex, or not interested in sex with a woman, or has other issues around sex that will make it not an easy, fun, happy thing to do – PLUS – he’s not ready to marry you after 1 1/2 years – walk away from this man. Love, Rori



  345.  #345Laughing goddess on June 4, 2010 at 12:48 am

    I guess it just depends on if it Feels good or not.

    I say do what feels good.



  346.  #346Rori Raye on June 4, 2010 at 12:49 am

    tatter, Welcome, and I’m not sure you’re in the right place. You sound perhaps under 18, and so I can’t legally help you…please let me know…Love, Rori



  347.  #347Rori Raye on June 4, 2010 at 12:51 am

    Rachel – this is not about a “mistake.” It WAS a booty call, and now you know and you won’t be fooled again. But – it’s YOUR decision if a booty call is what YOU want, too…so no mistake – perhaps mistaken assumptions…Love, Rori



  348.  #348Rori Raye on June 4, 2010 at 12:51 am

    Crystal – Yayyy!!! Love, Rori



  349.  #349Tina on June 4, 2010 at 2:45 am

    Truckman says yes he is open as open as can be. His love is bigger than the earth. He says that if any other woman says even half the things I have said to him he would have not thought that he could do it.



  350.  #350Tina on June 4, 2010 at 2:48 am

    Tonight he said ” l love you” and asked what how I felt about him, I said I like you a lot and I love and feel happy when I hear you say I love you. He said see thats what i mean , if I heard that from any other woman ,I wouldnt be able to do this.



  351.  #351Tina on June 4, 2010 at 2:51 am

    I feel stupid because I dont know what to do about intimacy through sex 🙂 Im not sure what that means for me. I’m definitely willing to give it a try, I just dont know how to start. Does it mean talking? huh? lol I need a map or visuals.



  352.  #352Tina on June 4, 2010 at 3:02 am

    He says not to take this the wrong way but I”m a little slow in the love department. I said I know, must be the tools teehee i didnt tell him this but yeah. We talked about sex again on the phone, his description was more technical, i want to put this there, you like this or that. I said I feel afraid he asked why I said well it all sounds so much like a porn video than love, he said oooooooooooooh ok. well we’ll see what I can do. oh yeah i thought hehe. He’ll be here tomorrow.



  353.  #353Tina on June 4, 2010 at 3:05 am

    He’s going to be here around 5pm and Im going to experiment with intimacy through sex. I’ll fumble my way through, whatever no rush, he’ll be here on saturday well the whole weekend. were going to check out drag racing.



  354.  #354Tina on June 4, 2010 at 3:08 am

    Maybe we do to a degree , Im not sure. I think we do. I want to feel his energy coming to me. I have to practice not shutting down. if all else fails we’ll just have head banging , house shaking sex 🙂



  355.  #355tallgirl10 on June 4, 2010 at 4:16 am

    hrmph,

    ok, so every morning I am going to use this as a journal for me feelings:

    Work –
    I feel concerned I will not be able to complete my project on time and at the high level is expected

    I feel pressured to get all the work done

    I feel nervous about performing at such a high level

    I feel excited to see how the minds work of a CEO and CFO of one of the biggest companies in the world. I feel honored and blessed to even be in the room.

    I feel like I should work this weekend.

    Friends/Personal –
    I feel very happy to have had two people I care about over for dinner last night

    I feel lucky to be surrounded by nice people

    I felt so honored that one of my friends said he had put me on a list of 10 relationships that are important to him (he is being used for CD, not actual dating, but good practice about relationships that are very organic)

    Text guy –
    I feel happy that we talked, I knew hearing his voice would make me feel at ease

    I feel excited and nervous for our date

    I feel like I need to observe his actions, and recognize there could be several scenarios
    a. He is interested in dating me
    b. He wants to be friends and I will have to walk away
    c. He is confused
    regardless, I will respond and react, and lean back. I will not lean in for a kiss, and if he does not kiss me, I may need to be honest about where I am – which is:

    I feel confused about how to read what is going between us. What do you think? I may not like his answer, but at least I will clearer.

    I feel concerned that he does not want to date me.

    I feel that I pressured him into the date. And I am curious that he mentioned that he does not make plans. That felt like a warning.



  356.  #356tallgirl10 on June 4, 2010 at 4:26 am

    why do I feel like I forced him to ask he me out. He seems pressured and confused on the phone.

    I guess I will just observe.



  357.  #357Kath on June 4, 2010 at 4:33 am

    Hi Ladies, Oh wow,has it been really great to read through this page- I have learnt so much from Rori and how to lean back- problem is sometimes I feel i Iean back too much!- I’ve had a relationship with a guy for a while- a rollercoaster initially- but after breaking up and then getting back together we are much better- We both love sex!!- not that I’m saying thats the core of our relationship!- but it does help- However, I love feeling wanted, desired and like its all about him desiring me and not the fact that he’s getting his end away- and recently I’ve been feeling that its just the act for him- He says he loves me and that I turn him on etc etc- but I’m not sure I really believe him. Thing is I recently found out that whilst we were on a break he had met someone else and had sex with her on the first night (I assume unprotected!) and then bragged that it was a “F***ing good shag”-it happened at a time when he was constantly texting me and saying how much he loved me and missed me!!!- I can’t tell him I know but how the hell do I deal with that Ladies???!!!!!!



  358.  #358Brenda on June 4, 2010 at 6:12 am

    Tallgirl, you did NOT force him to ask you out on a date! You used Rori’s tools EFFECTIVELY to welcome him to invite you out on a date. You upped your degree of difficulty when you said I need to be going. He realized you are not satisfied to go on and on with casual texting! He realized if he doesn’t step up to the plate, he’s gonna lose you, cuz you want a real relationship. It’s called SUCCESS!!! Can you say that? Sure ya can! 🙂 Pat yerself on the back!!



  359.  #359Brenda on June 4, 2010 at 6:15 am

    Tallgirl,

    Try this on…it’s a feeling message I copied from here recently, and I really like it:

    “I need a bit more contact than we’re having, and it doesn’t feel good to ask for it. I’m not sure what to do so I don’t feel taken for granted. What do you think?”



  360.  #360Brenda on June 4, 2010 at 6:19 am

    Kath,

    The way to be sure his love is real and not just words is to give the relationship a break. I have found that creating space in a relationship, for a time, will typically make or break a relationship. If it’s all about booty call for him, he will drift away and pick right up with another woman, like he did before. Hopefully he’s a decent man who will come back to you stronger than before.

    Sounds like he can’t control himself, and that is a lack of maturity and character. If it were me, I would just keep that information to myself and watch him from a safe distance for a while.



  361.  #361Linda on June 4, 2010 at 7:33 am

    I have been reading a while.. LOTS of convo here.

    Tallgirl… relax, you can do it , Enjoy your victories, (you have already had plenty)… I once was involved with a man who stumbled all over himself when we talked on the phone but he wrote me such beautiful flowing things. Perhaps this guy is one of those who struggle on the phone. (just a thought I had).

    I have naturally curly hair, I love the turn around of it.. When she was bad she was great!…. I love my curls.

    ……………..

    I am greatly appreciative to read here and be reminded that….

    Sex is not an end, and it’s not a means to a relationship goal with a man. It’s an experience of the moment that can be meaningful and powerful and profound and passionate or juicy or fun – depending on how YOU feel about it in that moment.

    And if you see it as a possiblity for ALL of this…then you can baby-step your way into your ABILITY to do intimacy THROUGH sex. So – again – the goal is not the result, but the experience.

    No matter what a man says – it’s the same for him

    ………………….

    I am feeling the truth of this. I am inspired to do this even in non-sexual situations. Thinking about my interactions with men as an opporunity to experience the moment….depending on how I feel in that moment. This feels so positive and light to me. There is a deep truth here.. A good reminder and challange for me to enjoy my journey and Delight in the fragrence of the flowers along the way.

    I am excited about trying this….You smile. You melt. You are warm. You unzip your heart. You open…..

    SS posted in 209 something that I resonate with….and it left me feeling inspired to switch to my girly feeling message side. Maybe getting what I need means that I need to upzip and open up, inspiring and enabeling the very thing I am missing and need soooo much.

    Linda



  362.  #362Brenda on June 4, 2010 at 7:36 am

    Linda, that was beautiful!



  363.  #363Brenda on June 4, 2010 at 7:44 am

    I heard back from Kyle just now…

    He said: if the shoe fits, put it on.. i have found the vast majority of the females on the net persoanals to be dishonest fraudes and liars. thats a plus, u have a job, most of them dont (then he went on discussing Native Americans).

    I said: I feel negativity. I feel unheard. I feel icky. I want to be with a man who is positive and uplifting, who encourages me to be my best. I’m sorry, but I don’t feel comfortable continuing this.



  364.  #364Sweetpea on June 4, 2010 at 8:43 am

    Brenda – re: 266. That is SOOOO funny! I wasn’t sure where I got it until I had been saying it for a month or so, and then I watched that Stephen Seagal movie and realized that was it.



  365.  #365Sweetpea on June 4, 2010 at 9:07 am

    Brenda –

    Kyle feels toxic to me. I say good call. You trusted your intuition and it proved to be right. I love it when that happens. Makes me feel that I am getting better at listening to it and it will keep me out of all sorts of trouble.



  366.  #366Siena on June 4, 2010 at 9:15 am

    Is it just me? Or do others also hate to hear women called females?

    “Female” is for animals – dogs, cats, fish.

    We’re women, ladies, Sirens, Goddesses.

    It might just be me, but I feel cringy whenever I see a woman referred to as a female.



  367.  #367Sweetpea on June 4, 2010 at 9:17 am

    I’m having so many interesting experiences with online dating. On one of the sites I’m on, there’s a place to journal (just a blog, basically). So I put on there about the difference between women having profiles with pics but nothing else filled out (I tried putting one up like that after a guy told me my “essay” was tmi) and men’s profiles w/ pics, but nothing filled out. The second post on their was from a woman who said “What makes this the difference between the sexes and not just the difference between people?” My first reaction was to verbally kick her in the teeth, but I decided maybe I should practice using Rori’s tools on her, so I said “You like profiles with just pics?” “Or you think that everyone does?”
    She came back and said “I don’t think men like profiles with no writing either. I hate dumb women.”
    This experience reminded me of why I love it on here so much with all of you beautiful-minded, positive sirens!



  368.  #368Sweetpea on June 4, 2010 at 9:18 am

    Siena – You may be on to something. When a guy uses the word “female” should it be a red flag for all of us? It does seem to imply a disrespect for the fairer sex.



  369.  #369Sweetpea on June 4, 2010 at 9:19 am

    I hope “fairer sex” doesn’t offend anyone. I love that phrase.



  370.  #370Sweetpea on June 4, 2010 at 9:21 am

    Uh oh. I just thought of something. I hope that toxic woman from 367 doesn’t get on here and read this…. I don’t want to have another confrontation with her!



  371.  #371Siena on June 4, 2010 at 9:21 am

    Sweetpea, I don’t know about red flag, because it’s something lots of people use.

    To me, it sounds ignorant and is a turn off. But he might just not know…

    I like fairer sex! It feels soft and feminine and worthy of adoration! Love it!



  372.  #372Sweetpea on June 4, 2010 at 9:27 am

    She made me feel very attacked. I felt confused and hurt that she would attack me when she doesn’t even know me. I felt mad that she obviously didn’t even read my journal, because I explained why it was a difference between the sexes. I felt like attacking her back. I don’t like feeling like I gave her the power to make me angry when she is a fly on the wall. A minute blip on my radar. Someone who would benefit from coming across Rori’s tools and using them. It made me very angry when she called me dumb. Yuk! Icky! Blech! I felt like I needed to go wash my eyes out after reading her comment, much like I would get my mouth washed for cussing when I was a child.

    This is all about the on-line lady. I just needed to get some feeling messages on here. I’m feeling touched by black, evil, nastiness! I feel like I should go take a shower. And by writing this here, on beautiful siren island, I feel like I am cleansing my mind of her and the memory of her. Be gone from my mind, nasty lady. Maybe I should call her a “female”? lol

    Ok. Thanks. I feel better now.



  373.  #373Sweetpea on June 4, 2010 at 9:28 am

    “Fairer sex” feels yummy to me! Yes, soft and feminine and respected and adored. Like ice cream on a hot day!



  374.  #374Brenda on June 4, 2010 at 9:29 am

    “Female” is a clinical term for a biological identification that a cop or doctor might use. I find it very distasteful.

    I like to be called a woman or girl. I know some people don’t like girl, but I do. I really identify with it, and I intend to keep the child in me very much alive all my life.

    One thing I found very respectful about Ryan is he talked about a woman’s body as “the feminine form”. It gave it a sense of artistic beauty.



  375.  #375Sweetpea on June 4, 2010 at 9:31 am

    I also like “turn off.” I’ve seen that phrase used here quite a bit lately. I think I’ll take up using it. It feels… like it is a soft phrase that would really get a man’s attention. Kind of like the way I use “cupcake” only more suited to other situations.

    Yes… turn off. It’s a turn off when you don’t respond to me. hmm….



  376.  #376Sweetpea on June 4, 2010 at 9:34 am

    Oh yes. Feminine form. That’s pretty too.

    My Dr. refers to the female anatomy as “lady parts”. I like that too.

    I am very much in need of embracing my inner little girl. Rori interviewed someone about that on one of the first discs I got from her. It resonated with me. I gave my inner little girl a hug and something just released in me.

    Lucy – maybe you should try that and see if it helps you to release that “horrid” trigger. If you didn’t get the CD, let me know and I will give you the steps to do it.



  377.  #377Brenda on June 4, 2010 at 9:35 am

    Sweetpea, I feel toxic red flags about him, too. I know virtually nothing about him, nor he about me, and he’s giving me this whole negative approach. To me it has the same effect of someone writing a personal ad full of what they DON’T want in a partner. It’s downright low class.

    But I felt good that I remained polite and in feeling messages with him. It also felt good following my instincts and respecting myself in that way, as you said.



  378.  #378Sweetpea on June 4, 2010 at 9:37 am

    Ok. I have to get my day started. I have two dates scheduled today. Geez. Talk about full time job… lol

    I’m excited, but also a little scared. One of them – he just popped up after I made the comment about not having one CD that I’m any more interested in than any other – is someone I’m going to have to practice not getting too caught up in….

    Am I ready? Here I go…. I’ll let you know how things work out.



  379.  #379Sweetpea on June 4, 2010 at 9:39 am

    Yay Brenda! I get the sense that you let your beautiful woman’s intuition fall along the wayside for awhile. Or maybe I’m just projecting.

    If I’m right though, double kudos to you!



  380.  #380Brenda on June 4, 2010 at 9:49 am

    Sweetpea, you’re a sweetpea!

    I find the women on Siren Island to be quality ladies who want to be their best selves, and I respect all of you deeply.

    You know one way I honor and embrace my little girl? I have a 9×11 black and white photo of myself at around age 5 that my Dad took! I was wearing a dress, and one Sunday afternoon after church, he took me out to a park and took a bunch of photos of me! I still remember that special time with my Dad, and I have the picture to remind me of it.

    I have the picture in a standing frame on a high shelf with a champagne glass on either side of it! The first time my friend, Chris, saw it, she said, “Oh, I love that! You’re honoring your little girl inside, aren’t you?”

    I also caress myself in bed and in the shower. It isn’t in a narcissistic way. It is in a nurturing, healing way. I talk to myself gently, as I would like a lover to talk to me. Then I tell myself when I go out in the world, I won’t let anyone treat me less than that.

    Lucy, I struggle with shame and guilt, too. This is all part of how I replace that in me. I also choose as much as possible to surround myself with noncondemning people.

    For example, it has been very healing for me to let loose with Kenny (and with his go-ahead), to swear like a drunken sailor at times, to yell, to talk about sex openly. I’m at a stage now where I rarely need to swear or yell with him to vent. I just love on him, and he helps me channel my venting in productive ways. He helps me let go of past mistakes and leave them in the past where they belong. He has taught me, “There ARE no problems…there are only opportunities for creative solutions.” He has been a big influence in me steadily pulling out of depression, even tho it’s a daily struggle, since it was so deeply ingrained in me as a way of life.

    I also use humor and at times sarcasm to cut loose the blame and shame gamers. When my Mom starts into me, I say overdramatically, “Oooh! I’m SUCH a HORRIBLE person!” or I say, “Now what did I do wrong?” in a sarcastic way. It may not be totally healthy, but it keeps me out from under that condemning cloud of shame.

    I also give myself under-my-breath affirmations all the time, like, “I love you and accept you exactly the way you are.”

    I believe everyone has a right to believe, think, and feel the way they want to.



  381.  #381Apple Jacks on June 4, 2010 at 10:00 am

    I LOVE female. The feeee part of it just feels so tasty to me. Like a precursor to feminine, feeling….the texture feels so velvetty soft, like the fur of a kitty…it makes me feel like a cat, a feline which in myself stirs feminine, recieving energy, flirty, glossy, mysterious…strong on the outside and soft on the outside.:) I myself love the word female along with all the other words everyone used.



  382.  #382Rachel on June 4, 2010 at 10:08 am

    I thought you all would enjoy this little story. My guy and I rely on email and chat a lot because he’s deployed and often with the time difference, we just can’t coordinate schedules to talk.

    Well I’ve been working hard at leaning back and letting him take the lead, but sometimes my old overfunctioning habits creep back in.

    Twice now, I have been swept up in the “moment” and leaned forward with a comment or question. Both times, he didn’t respond right away and then said, “Sorry – I lost my internet connection. Did I miss anything?”

    It’s like the universe is helping me out! When I slip up, it just shuts down the communication so he doesn’t hear it! I got a second chance and I was able to say … “nope!” and lean right back! tee hee

    Thank you universe!! I need all the help I can get!



  383.  #383Apple Jacks on June 4, 2010 at 10:09 am

    LG, I loved your positive post about all the positivity going on with Siren Island today. That felt really good to read. 🙂 I agree it seems there is so much wonderful progress. Siena, your whole experience coming full circle with CDing is really inspiring to me. All of you are doing so wonderfully, my hats off to everyone.

    I will from now on refer to my Ryan, as the Peter Pan guy. At work my code name for him was “swamp.” Because the number keys on the phone for “Ryan” would spell out s-w-a-m…I just added a p to it. My friends and I used to refer to him as that in code.

    I need to go shopping, my shoes are all tattered. 🙁



  384.  #384Brenda on June 4, 2010 at 10:37 am

    Apple Jacks, that feels interesting that you like the word, “female”! I really enjoyed your description around it!

    I am really having a ruff day, having to straighten out my account which had way too much happening in automatic drafts, which I had lost control of. I am closing it and opening a new one. It is increasingly challenging for me to operate in boy energy to do stuff like this. I will feel so much better when it’s all settled. I keep trying to remind myself to sink into my sinkhole of feelings today…fear, panic, dread, shame (that I let it get such a mess), frustration, anger.

    Wheeeew! Breathe deep sigh of release! Let it all go, Bren! Feel yourself free, fun, unentangled, financially secure, successful, organized. Feel sunshine, chip munching, silliness…feel open vulnerability to a stellar man who will be my shining star!

    My skin feels hot and prickly as all these negative feelings try to overwhelm and creep back in. I feel shortness of breath. I feel tightness in my throat.

    I feel happiness that I am learning how to relate to people on here. I feel lightness that I am learning how to process difficult emotions. I feel on top of the world that it is all getting better, even tho it is bad right now. I feel thankful for the kind people in my life.

    I feel relief that I am taking vacation next week and will have time to focus on me and my life. I feel excited that I am going to the Strawberry Festival tonight with Chris and her two kids. I feel happy that I escaped my previous life of depression and isolation. I feel charged that I can look forward to people in my life as my main interest on earth. I feel breaking free from the past of oppression, confusion, and utter naivete. I feel blessed and fortunate that I found Rori Raye, and I ask God to bless her richly.

    I feel kinship with you, my sisters, and I feel joy at having a whole set of supportive, caring new friends.



  385.  #385Apple Jacks on June 4, 2010 at 10:44 am

    Brenda, I’m impressed at how well you’ve been doing lately. I feel a real sense of grounding and strength coming from you in your recent posts. It’s really very cool.



  386.  #386Sweetpea on June 4, 2010 at 10:50 am

    Thanks Brenda.

    I love 384! It warms my heart to know that Rori has helped you so much! It feels so good to have a safe place to go and kind, caring people to share intimate, scary things with.

    I love the way you honor your little girl. What a happy memory to invoke while you’re honoring her.

    I love all of you here. It feels good to me to be able to say that as in the past I would have let nasty lady throw me into a tailspin and dwell on it and use it as a reason to feel hate toward women. But isn’t that exactly what she was doing. She was very negative for no reason apparent to me, but I had to ask myself if even she wasn’t a mirror for me to see how far I have come.

    I felt so relieved to be able to come here and be with warm beautiful women instead of falling into the hate abyss.

    And even dealing with that negativity feels like progress to me thanks to all of you!



  387.  #387Sweetpea on June 4, 2010 at 10:55 am

    Where or where has Daria gone? Is she out exploring the bay area and picking up some hot rich guys who love her “ghetto-ness”?

    Daria, since you embrace ghetto, would it offend you if I call you Ghetto Goddess?



  388.  #388Brenda on June 4, 2010 at 11:05 am

    Here’s Kyle’s toxic response to my turning him down:

    as usual, want the typical person with ad on net wants, is someone who is a carbon copy of themself, a cloner who agrees with everything they say and do. not to be rude, but u really do strike me as a hackeyed cliche “wanna be ethnic multicultural type”. and u really dont know history at all, if u think that native americans were always the victims in north america. i also have to question anyone with the a vowed purpose of getting married.. who has single their whole life, and no children. that does send warning signals to most middle aged men. as in , whats wrong here? good luck.. but once again, i personally think you are jumping on some political correct bandwagon with the euro’s” destroyed the enviroment.. committed mass geno cide, etc. u oviousily refuse to adknowlege the excess’s of the aztec, mayan an d inca cultures, their massacres of other tribes, human sacrifize of both adults and children, et al.. u should learn to question more often, good luck, K

    Hmmmm….hmph! Breath another deep sigh of release!!!! Releasssssssssssse…Easssssssse! Let it go, Bren! Toxic and angry like toxic lady was to sweetie pea! I feel happy to be with gentle people here. Bye-bye, pain! Bye-bye, toxicity!



  389.  #389Lucy on June 4, 2010 at 11:08 am

    Oh, Brenda, it feels AWFUL to read Kyle’s reply! Good for you for not putting up with that crap! <3



  390.  #390Sweetpea on June 4, 2010 at 11:09 am

    Brenda – I was thinking when I posted the toxic woman post that it reminded me a lot of Kyle. EEEWWWW!!!!

    Are you going to ignore him, or are you going to set boundaries? I guess you really don’t need to set boundaries with him since he is toxic. Do you think it would be good practice though?

    I’m just curious to know what you are thinking since I’m a rookie to siren island.



  391.  #391Sweetpea on June 4, 2010 at 11:14 am

    Ick! I feel goobered with ick! I feel protective of you Brenda. I want to find out who this dark Kyle is and let him have it! It feels yucky, yucky, yucky!!!!!! Blech!

    I want to find out who he is and ask him if he wonders why he is single. I want to throw on masculine energy like a cape and pop him one right in the kisser. It feels good to express my outrage! I love my outrage! I love my anger! I love that I feel protective of beautiful people! I love that I frustrate myself with wanting to right all the injustices in the world!

    I am powerful! Brenda is powerful! Feminine energy is powerful! I do not have to let yucky make me feel yucky!



  392.  #392Sweetpea on June 4, 2010 at 11:15 am

    Most importantly, I do not have to react or respond to yucky with more yucky!!!



  393.  #393Sweetpea on June 4, 2010 at 11:16 am

    But can I have his username, anyway?! Muahaha!



  394.  #394Sweetpea on June 4, 2010 at 11:20 am

    That felt good. Humor is good.

    Don’t let yucky BOY bring you down. You have nothing to do with his bitterness and judgment. He is projecting his own nastiness onto you. Some people just can’t handle anyone else being happy. Being gentle and soft and strong. I feel bad for you Brenda. But I feel your strength and resolve. My cousin would call him “stepping stone.”



  395.  #395Jennifer on June 4, 2010 at 11:20 am

    ok, so I followed the lewser feelings.
    Then I thought about it.
    Then I thought about it some more.
    Then I FELT about it.
    So I booked a professional photographer. And got a spray tan.
    Yeah for me…my money is MINE I can spend it on “frivolity” if I want.



  396.  #396Siena on June 4, 2010 at 11:25 am

    Jennifer, that is AWESOME! This isn’t just about you – this is about the amazing man you will attract, and the children (if any) that you two will have, and the people your lives together will touch….you just took an amazing first step!

    I feel so good about you taking care of yourself. You go girl!!



  397.  #397Brenda on June 4, 2010 at 11:27 am

    Sweetpea, LOL! You are so cute! I love the part about “I want to throw on masculine energy like a cape and pop him one right in the kisser.” I appreciate your protectiveness. Then I really cracked up when I read, “But can I have his username, anyway?! Muahaha!” I dunno, what are you gonna do with it? I don’t want either one of us to waste our precious energy man bashing! LOL! Even tho it would feel good!

    Ooooooh! Did I hear the words, “Feel goooooood???” And aren’t we sposta do what feels goooooood??? I AM FEELING HORRRRRRRRRRRID!!!!! I wanna man bash, yes I do! I feel nasty sarcasm coming up like a fist out of my throat! I feel swear words bouncing thru my brain! Boy energy leaking out my bosoms! LOL! Just kiddin with that last one!

    Nah, I gonna laff this one off. No angsty. No angrrrrr. No drunken sailor swearwords. I feel compassion for this man who has been so hurt that he feels a need to put a woman down before he even slightly knows her or has a rapport for her. I feel sadness that this world is so hurtful. I feel the breaking of his little boy inside who just wanted to be loved but has felt so rejected by women all his life.

    And there, I just wrote a feeling message for Kyle to respond to his nasty revenge acid….

    K, I feel compassion for you, that you have felt so hurt that you feel a need to put a woman down before you even slightly know her or has a rapport for her. I feel sadness that this world is so hurtful. I feel the breaking of your little boy inside who just wanted to be loved but has felt so rejected by all your life.

    Copy, paste, SENT! NEEEEEXXXXXXT!



  398.  #398Lucy on June 4, 2010 at 11:28 am

    Laughing Goddess, I can’t tell you how much I appreciate what you wrote to me last night. I couldn’t sleep, so I was reading from my phone in my bed — and your words opened me up so much to release so much negative energy. . .

    You kinda summed up the whole history, which felt remarkable to me — like, wow, she has really been paying attention!

    Most of all, you made it Not My Fault. You called me Rockstar. And you even said “Sounds like it could have been you had the logistics worked out.”

    That all feels really good to read. <3

    ALL of you Sirens, I feel bewondered and so very grateful for the incredible wisdom, love, support, encouragement, and friendship you have given me during these past few hard hard days. So much disappointment — yet so many hands to drag my limp body out of the water so I don't drown.

    I didn't respond to the text, and I don't think I will. I really don't feel a need or desire to. I feel better about letting him have the last word at this point . . . "Who says you won't get to be with me?"

    Well, um, maybe *I* says. We'll see. Maybe you will someday get to be with me TN man, maybe you won't.

    I won't tell him that though. He'll just know.

    I don't respond to every little communication from my girlfriends, either, if it's not something that needs a response, so the door is still ajar for that friendship with him, but it will either have to be propelled forward by him, or maybe someday down the road if I feel like it I might feel inspired to communicate something to him as a friend. Who knows?

    I do miss the way he made me feel so loved and cherished. God, I want a smart, sexy, fun man who makes me feel loved and cherished. Amen.

    Love you all, Sirens! <3



  399.  #399Siena on June 4, 2010 at 11:29 am

    Bren, blech!

    No more energy toward that guy. That feels icky icky icky.

    But before you write him off completely – get the message or the mirror so you don’t have to ever encounter his type again.

    Did he bring something up that needs to be healed in you? Did he show you a side of yourself that you don’t like?

    Why was he sent to you?



  400.  #400Brenda on June 4, 2010 at 11:34 am

    Siena, I think maybe the message is,

    “See, Brenda? You’re healed! See how his hurtful words didn’t wound you? See how quickly you are able to transform hoRRRRid anger into humor into compassion and then let it go? This deep pain from your childhood can drop off just as easily. You are free!”



  401.  #401Jennifer on June 4, 2010 at 11:35 am

    ok, I just got an Ice breaker on Eharmony from a dude named J. I went to his profile and it said this:

    “I am NOT a subscribing member and cannot enter into the “OPEN” communication or “eHarmony” mail section of this site. You’ll have to email me directly. I am just trying this out to see if there is any potential, as I have mixed opinions about this service. My email is jrs_ryder (at) the mail service provider rhyming with “notmail””
    OMG!!!
    That’s friggin hilarious! I love it, it’s honest and clever. I actually emailed him and told him so!
    Then I got a new match that’s a physician who lives like 45 minutes from here.
    Geeze…take a little care of yourself and the universe certainly does pour the good stuff down on ya!



  402.  #402Sweetpea on June 4, 2010 at 11:38 am

    Yay Jennifer! Will you share your awesome pics with us when you get them?

    I feel excited for you!



  403.  #403Siena on June 4, 2010 at 11:38 am

    Awesome Bren, that’s a great message! Now that you’re healed of that stuff, you don’t need to attract hurtful people into your life anymore. That feels wonderful!

    “Geez…take a little care of yourself and the universe certainly does pour the good stuff down on ya!”

    Exactly! We take the first step, show commitment toward a goal, and a whole slew of things start to fall into place. Yay Jennifer!



  404.  #404Ankita on June 4, 2010 at 11:40 am

    Hello Ladies

    I registered myself on a dating site.. there I got a message from a guy who is 30 yrs old, but sounds quite masculine, and gentlemanly…

    I am 20, and there is huge gap in age, which makes me hesitant to befriend him, though I really wanna talk to him and receive from him… He also gave me his no. and said that he is willing to call me back…

    What do you all think? Should I go ahead and give him my no.? I feel so confused…



  405.  #405Lucy on June 4, 2010 at 11:42 am

    Wanna hear something weird? TN man was on match “within 24 hours”!

    It’s weird because 1) he’s no longer a paying subscriber, 2) his profile is “hidden,” and 3) HE HAS A GIRLFRIEND!!!!!

    He can’t communicate with anyone without being a subscriber . . . and no one can see his profile . . . Is he just looking for the sake of looking???

    I feel bewildered!!!

    Hehe. Maybe he got on to check out MY profile.



  406.  #406Brenda on June 4, 2010 at 11:42 am

    Thanks, Siena!

    Jennifer, that is awesome that you lined up a photographer and all! I hope you have him take a shot of you in a judo pose with a sexy outfit on!

    You do you and I’ll do me! I’m doing Bren! I’m getting my life together! Down is where ya found me but up is where I’m going!



  407.  #407Siena on June 4, 2010 at 11:43 am

    Ankita, yay! 30 sounds young to me (haha), so it’s all relative!

    You could respond with something like,

    “You seem like a masculine and gentlemanly man, which I really like. I’m new to this site, and would feel more comfortable if we just chatted on here for a while before I give you my number… what do you think?”

    And then let him come up with a way to make you feel more comfortable



  408.  #408Sweetpea on June 4, 2010 at 11:43 am

    Wonderful Sirens – I keep hearing about message or mirror, and I think I understand the concept, but could anyone give me a little more detail.

    I want all of Rori’s programs, but since I am one of the “unemployed females” on the dating sites, it’s not feasible for me right now. (I am thankful that I have many good job opportunities making their way toward me right now, though. In the meantime I am thankful that I am able to work overtime at my full-time CD-ing)! Thank you Universe!

    And thank you Siren Goddesses!



  409.  #409Brenda on June 4, 2010 at 11:43 am

    Lucy,

    I just heard a splash! Oh, no, it’s Lucy! She took a flying leap off her bridge!



  410.  #410Sweetpea on June 4, 2010 at 11:45 am

    Go Lucy!!!!



  411.  #411Lucy on June 4, 2010 at 11:46 am

    I got a wink from ANOTHER 25 year old!

    What’s up with that????

    You boys are TOO YOUNG for me!

    Maybe it’s because I am wearing an Alice-in-Wonderland t-shirt in my pic. Hehe.



  412.  #412Brenda on June 4, 2010 at 11:48 am

    Ankita,

    I have been with a man 14 years older, and a man 15 years younger. Ryan said this (the one who’s 15 yrs younger): “I am going to forget how old I am, and when someone asks, I’m going to say, ‘I don’t remember.'” ~ Ryan

    I believe what is really important is maturity level. And, you seem very mature. I wouldn’t hesitate at all cuz of his age. Or at least give him a chance, and then decide. I like what Siena told you, too.



  413.  #413Brenda on June 4, 2010 at 11:49 am

    Lucy, send the young bucks my way, girl! 🙂 You LOOK young! That’s why!!



  414.  #414Sweetpea on June 4, 2010 at 11:49 am

    Lucy, Funny, Funny!

    The young little fishies seem to be out in full force lately. I’ve been getting tons of mail from guys 15 or so years younger than me.

    Whatever does one do!



  415.  #415Siena on June 4, 2010 at 11:49 am

    Sweetpea, I have to jump on a call in 10 minutes, so this will be fast…

    CD is not about finding “the one”, although he’ll show up. Instead, it’s free therapy. We “use” men to show us portions of ourselves that need to be healed (mirrors) or where we are/are going in the future (messages). So every man we CD, we look for the message and/or the mirror. The thought is that they are sent to us by God to help us on our path. Once we receive the message/mirror, we don’t (hopefully) have to receive it again.

    For me, understanding this has helped catapult me ahead in my personal life. I used to have a pattern of dating the SAME guy over and over again (he looked different each time). Once I realized that there was a lesson in it for me, I listened to the message/saw the mirror, thanked God for it, and the guy left.

    Does that help?



  416.  #416Tallgirl10 on June 4, 2010 at 11:49 am

    Tonight I am going out with my friend, let’s call him young chocolate.

    We are super good friends with flirty overtones, so I can call it CD, right????



  417.  #417Siena on June 4, 2010 at 11:50 am

    Lucy – God is wanting to have you learn something through a younger man. PLEASE GO OUT WITH ONE OF THESE GUYS! You’ll keep attracting them until you listen! (haha, I say that with love!)



  418.  #418Sweetpea on June 4, 2010 at 11:51 am

    Siena – Ok. I knew the free therapy and the CD-ing not being to find the one, but rather to open the door to him, basically. But mirror is for healing and messages are for the future?



  419.  #419Siena on June 4, 2010 at 11:51 am

    Yum – young chocolate sounds delicious! Yes, that’s definitely a CD TG!



  420.  #420Siena on June 4, 2010 at 11:53 am

    Sweetpea, I think so… I’m not totally clear on which is which, to tell you the truth. So I just sum it up into, “what’s the lesson here”. And then I don’t have to define it totally.

    Because I’m pretty bad with definitions. They make my mind go fuzzy – so that’s my own way of understanding it.



  421.  #421Sweetpea on June 4, 2010 at 11:53 am

    I’m going to have to think about that mirror/ message thing. It feels like I understand it but I haven’t grasped it yet. Actually, it’s just in applying to a couple of guys lately that I just don’t know. Mirror or message, message or mirror?

    Hmm….



  422.  #422Sweetpea on June 4, 2010 at 11:54 am

    Ok. Thanks Siena. I will try to find the message w/ this two guys in particular, then maybe run it through this filter to see what kind of feedback I get. That should help alot.

    Thanks Again!



  423.  #423Sweetpea on June 4, 2010 at 11:56 am

    Lucy – I agree with Siena. Go out with them. I’ve at least been chatting with them to see where things go. It can’t hurt. It’s not like you’re gonna marry the guy! lol

    Well… maybe? Oh yeah. The kid thing, huh? Maybe you can just tell them, “it’s not like I’m gonna marry the guy”?



  424.  #424Sweetpea on June 4, 2010 at 11:58 am

    Tallgirl – young chocolate does sound delicious!

    I was reading your previous posts about feeling like you forced TextMan into asking you for a date… My understanding of Rori’s tools is that you use them to direct a guy and to negotiate with him what you want. It seems to me that is what you did. I feel confused about why you are being so hard on yourself.



  425.  #425Lucy on June 4, 2010 at 12:02 pm

    Hmmm, could use some feedback on this one.

    This 58 y o “winked” at me last night. He lives about an hour and a half away (past you, Brenda).

    He is decent looking.
    He is very wealthy.
    He has a PhD.
    He seems like he might be fun.

    But
    He is too old for me, really — I have learned through experimenting that I do not want a husband who is that much older than me (11 years . .. as an aside, TN man is 14 years older than his gf — I wonder if that’s acceptable to her long term….)
    He is short (just a couple inches taller than me, and I am short).

    I decided “winking” back would be harmless, so I did.

    Today there are two emails from him. Funnily enough, I read the second one FIRST, which said:

    “on second thought …
    I re-read my email to you and I think it was a bit juvenile. So sorry. Jack”

    (BTW, Jack is my favoritist man’s name in the whole wide world!!!!! I’m not giving him a code name cuz I don’t think this is going anywhere.)

    It’s so funny that I read that one first! So then I was a bit prepared for reading the “juvenile” email, which he had sent first:

    “lovely
    you are an adorable lady. Shall I start driving to [a made-up version of my town’s name that involves the word “tits”] now? Jack.”

    Oh Jack, you silly little boy.

    I feel turned-off by his crude joke. Yuck!!!

    I feel GREAT that he called me ADORABLE!!!! (cuz of what I’ve been saying about interloper girl — that SHE is adorable)

    I feel impressed that he apologized without my even calling him on it.

    So…… Sirens, what do you think?



  426.  #426Brenda on June 4, 2010 at 12:08 pm

    Lucy, I think since he apologized on his own, he should be excused. Let’s face it, some of the town names in your county are unbelievable for how sexual they sound! It was prolly the first thing that popped in his mind, then he felt bad.

    If you pass on him, again, please send him my way! 😉



  427.  #427Sweetpea on June 4, 2010 at 12:11 pm

    Brenda – you’re so funny!

    I feel acknowledged by you and I appreciate it. I wanted his user name so I could don my masculine power cape. I like your idea better though.

    I wonder if you will end up having to call him cupcake?



  428.  #428Siena on June 4, 2010 at 12:11 pm

    Lucy, Rori says go out with every man who asks you.

    Here’s my take: You are attracting men who are inappropriate for you (because of age), so they are the perfect messengers. They are safe ones to practice on, without getting your heart too involved.

    Go out with them when they ask! Hear their message, and move on.

    Yay! Exciting times!



  429.  #429Sweetpea on June 4, 2010 at 12:12 pm

    Also, I had a cortisone shot yesterday and I am feeling very masculine power today. It’s a little uncomfortable. I feel edgy and agitated and irritable and…. aggressive!

    Do you think I should cancel my dates? I’m tempted. Should I at least tell them I’m feeling a little edgy?



  430.  #430Daria on June 4, 2010 at 12:13 pm

    swear words are not Boy Energy – they are expressions of the inner Drama Queen! yum!



  431.  #431Sweetpea on June 4, 2010 at 12:14 pm

    I really do feel like at least postponing them, but one of the guys put off a trip to TX to meet me today.

    What to do, what to do?



  432.  #432Sweetpea on June 4, 2010 at 12:16 pm

    Daria!!!

    I’m not sure if I feel like swear words are masculine. They are definitely more socially unacceptable coming from a woman I think. Which is why I like them. But I’m trying to tone it down a little lately.

    I, like you, am ok with being horrid though. It usually only takes guys a couple of times meeting me before they nickname me “Trouble.” And I LIKE it!



  433.  #433Sweetpea on June 4, 2010 at 12:17 pm

    Daria – what is that in reference to? Just a random thought?



  434.  #434Lucy on June 4, 2010 at 12:19 pm

    “Lucy, I think since he apologized on his own, he should be excused.”

    Interesting point, Brenda. It immediately brought to mind the fact that my ex-h NEVER apologized for ANYTHING — even very outrageous, hurtful behavior — until I would spend an hour or so convincing him that what he did was hurtful and that he should apologize to me!

    And here’s this guy, apologizing before I even knew he did anything wrong!



  435.  #435Daria on June 4, 2010 at 12:21 pm

    It’s a reference to a past Rori post – “unleash Your Inner Drama Queen”



  436.  #436Daria on June 4, 2010 at 12:22 pm

    Sweetpea –

    lol I claim the “turn it up – don’t tone me down” road

    ah… but i had to fight for it here lol!



  437.  #437Daria on June 4, 2010 at 12:23 pm

    fight

    for my right

    to partayyy

    with the words bitch goddess and fuck love hate heheheheee



  438.  #438Lucy on June 4, 2010 at 12:23 pm

    With Jack (hehe, it feels funny using a real name!), do you think I should respond to him with the feeling messages I wrote on here to you all —

    I feel turned-off by his crude joke. Yuck!!!

    I feel GREAT that he called me ADORABLE!!!!

    I feel impressed that he apologized without my even calling him on it.

    Or is that too much honesty for a first email? Is there such thing as “too much honesty”?



  439.  #439Daria on June 4, 2010 at 12:24 pm

    Lucy –

    I would say exactly that. And i would feel thrilled saying it!



  440.  #440Tallgirl10 on June 4, 2010 at 12:27 pm

    Sweetpea,

    I did not negotiate anything with text man. I suppose I felt because I asked him to call me I feel like he felt pressured to ask me out.

    However, that said, I gave him an out for even calling me back. And I tried to get off the phone, and he asked me about what I was up to. Then he suggested we get together.

    Maybe it was tone of voice and the telling himt to call me. However, I was prepared to get to get off the phone, and I gave him the out for calling me. I am being harsh on myself.

    I need to sort out what I am learning from him because it is about learning to be myself, and dating someone younger and not taking what they do personally.



  441.  #441Lucy on June 4, 2010 at 12:28 pm

    Okey dokey, thanks, Daria!

    Oh!

    When I thought about saying those things and feeling thrilled saying them, my mind went

    No! He will fall for you!

    ooh my mind knows the truth: really honest feeling messages make men fall hard

    that is a good thing

    but very powerful



  442.  #442Brenda on June 4, 2010 at 12:28 pm

    Sweetpea, thank you! Okay, let’s try it…it’s therapuetic, right? It’s feel-good stuff, right?

    Yo, cupcake! Yo! You hear me, boy? I’s from the west siiiide! You’s from the east side, yo! Look here, cupcake! I’m not the one! You wanna mess with me? You wanna test my Native American blood? I’ll count coup wit you, boy, just like I did all the rest of them toxic MALES.

    And then she crossed her legs, pursed her lips, and sipped her afternoon tea.



  443.  #443Sweetpea on June 4, 2010 at 12:28 pm

    I just postponed my afternoon date b/c I feel like a grumpy, irritable bitch and don’t want to make a bad first impression – or at least an inaccurate one – and now I want to cry. What’s up with that?!



  444.  #444Sweetpea on June 4, 2010 at 12:30 pm

    Ahh Brenda! You have me laughing out loud on that one! That is AWESOME!

    Whoowee. I’m feeling a little roller-coasterish emotionally. Yuk! 🙁



  445.  #445Brenda on June 4, 2010 at 12:30 pm

    Sweetpea, RE: #429 – No, go on your dates. Just wear your power cape and your magic siren helmet! Tell them you wanna rumble! Then call em cupcake!



  446.  #446Sweetpea on June 4, 2010 at 12:31 pm

    I love the “count coup” comment.



  447.  #447Sweetpea on June 4, 2010 at 12:34 pm

    I actually gave him the option. I used feeling messages. Yay me! He knows I had the cortisone shot yesterday b/c he called me right after and I told him. It was his call to postpone. I told him I’m feeling irritable and the doc told me this might happen. He asked if I wanted to postpone and I told him “No. I don’t. I feel bad.”
    He told me not to feel bad that we will postpone for next week and he hopes I feel better. And now I want to cry! Why do I want to cry?



  448.  #448Sweetpea on June 4, 2010 at 12:35 pm

    That last one was re: 429 btw. Thanks though Brenda.



  449.  #449Brenda on June 4, 2010 at 12:35 pm

    A former boyfriend said to me, “My God! You fight with your tongue like some men fight with their fists!”

    Kenny, my exhusband, said I’m as vicious as him in an argument! We used to really go at it, in a prison visiting room, mind you! One time one of the cops who he was cool with said to him on his way out of the visiting room, “Wow, I can tell you two are really in love!”

    Kenny asked, “Why??”

    He said, “Cuz you wouldn’t fight like that if you weren’t so in love!”



  450.  #450Sweetpea on June 4, 2010 at 12:36 pm

    I guess I will put on my power cape and siren helmet and go to the next one though. I’ve really got to get a grip on my emotions though. Holy cow! Maybe I need an estrogen shot to counteract the steroid.



  451.  #451Lucy on June 4, 2010 at 12:36 pm

    Sweetpea, if you need estrogen, eat some hummus!



  452.  #452Sweetpea on June 4, 2010 at 12:37 pm

    Hummus? Really?



  453.  #453Sweetpea on June 4, 2010 at 12:38 pm

    I knew hummus had protein and is yummy, but I didn’t know it has estrogen. I’m going to go buy some right now!



  454.  #454Sweetpea on June 4, 2010 at 12:39 pm

    Brenda – Are you saying I should just go tongue fight with them and they can deal with it? lol Tongue fight. That reminds me of tonsil hockey. Maybe some tonsil hockey would be good?



  455.  #455Tina on June 4, 2010 at 12:42 pm

    Lucy, I’m with Daria , send the email exactly like you wrote out here.



  456.  #456Sweetpea on June 4, 2010 at 12:43 pm

    Ok. I just texted – I’m going to call him SR – and told him I feel sad now.

    I don’t know why I texted him. I just felt like it, so I did! ????? Has to be the cortisone (testosterone). Already started a fight with my sister today and had to apologize.

    GRRRRRRR!!!!! I feel aggressive!



  457.  #457Brenda on June 4, 2010 at 12:44 pm

    Sweetpea, you really crack me up! I didn’t even know you felt irritable until you stated it. I thot yu just have an excellent sense of humor! If you really do what toxic man’s id I will give it to ya to get out some of your irritability on! LOL!

    Women have soup for emotions! So when you are up then down then up/down/up/down/up/down all in a millisecond, it’s normal. Hehehe! Like Daria says, YUM!

    I am learning to really love my tumultuous soup of emotions! Just roll with it, baby! If you’re out with your date, just say it as you feel it. He’ll be fascinated!

    YUM!



  458.  #458Brenda on June 4, 2010 at 12:46 pm

    Love it, that part about tongue fight and tonsil hockey. You’ll be going back and forth!



  459.  #459Lucy on June 4, 2010 at 12:47 pm

    Yes, Sweetpea, hummus is loaded with plant estrogens (phytoestrogens)! My gyno-oncologist has me eating it every day cuz I can’t take regular hormone replacements (due to cancer) and I lost my ovaries.



  460.  #460Sweetpea on June 4, 2010 at 12:49 pm

    I’m used to feeling up then down, but not up & down at the same time!! I’m laughing while I’m feeling like poking someone’s eyes out! Well, maybe not quite that aggressive. But I feel like I could be driven to it very easily.

    Maybe I need to vampire scream!!



  461.  #461Brenda on June 4, 2010 at 12:49 pm

    About swearing, I have done a whole lot of it, and it’s been a harmless outlet for all the anger I was packing. One thing I like about Ryan is he’s one of the few men I was ever with who didn’t swear. He never put me down for swearing, but I could tell he didn’t like it.

    I accidentally swore a couple times in front of children, so I decided I better get out of the habit. I still swear, but I feel more pleased with myself when I control it, dammit! LOL!



  462.  #462Lucy on June 4, 2010 at 12:51 pm

    Thanks, Tina! I sent it, and I feel kinda excited and nervous! I hope he can handle it!

    I hope he likes me and buys me lots of expensive presents while I am getting his message!

    Oh, is that being “bad”?

    Am I being the girl with the curl?

    Is that a horrid thought?

    I love my horrid, present-wanting thoughts!

    Do I?

    Kinda.

    Does J*sus? And mom? (Mom, prolly not!)



  463.  #463Sweetpea on June 4, 2010 at 12:51 pm

    Ok. I’m off to get hummus. Thank you so much Lucy!!! It made me sad to hear you lost your ovaries. I’m so glad you got a clean bill at your check up though?

    And Brenda – I really have been happy and laughing and having a blast. I might take you up on the username though. I don’t have to be feminine with him. I’ll give him a reason to be pissy!

    I’ll go try some hummus first though. lol



  464.  #464Lucy on June 4, 2010 at 12:51 pm

    I miss TN man. 🙁



  465.  #465Sweetpea on June 4, 2010 at 12:55 pm

    Ahh, Lucy. My mom was really uptight and religious. I used to get in trouble for saying “butt”. I lost her though, and I can feel her and how much she’s loosened up now. God doesn’t judge! I truly believe that the greatest gift we can give God is to be comfortable in the skin he gave us.



  466.  #466Jennifer on June 4, 2010 at 12:57 pm

    hmmmmmm…….non subscribing guy emailed me like four times in the last half an hour. Till I sent him a pic…now..nuttin.
    Geeze. I feel dissapointment.
    Guess it’s time for the photographer.



  467.  #467Tina on June 4, 2010 at 12:57 pm

    Lucy, jesus and mom too 🙂



  468.  #468Sweetpea on June 4, 2010 at 12:59 pm

    And NOW…
    I’m GOING to get hummus!!!!!

    Talk to you all later! Muah!!!

    Oh, BTW Brenda… I’ve decided to put this roller coaster to good use. Been sending SR feeling messages. He told me aggressive could be good and I said “lol! It could be! Tonsil hockey anyone? But see? BAD first impression!”

    Too cute! Too fun!

    Hummus!



  469.  #469Tina on June 4, 2010 at 12:59 pm

    I feel excited about your glamdoll photo shoot Jennifer 🙂



  470.  #470Lucy on June 4, 2010 at 1:00 pm

    Sweetpea, I just quoted you on my fb status —> “I truly believe that the greatest gift we can give God is to be comfortable in the skin he gave us.”

    Thanks. <3



  471.  #471Sweetpea on June 4, 2010 at 1:02 pm

    Yay Lucy! That makes me feel good!



  472.  #472Brenda on June 4, 2010 at 1:03 pm

    Hummous! Yum!



  473.  #473Tina on June 4, 2010 at 1:10 pm

    I’ll be gone most of the weekend, Im waitng for truckman to show up so I can experiment with intimacy through sex 🙂



  474.  #474Lucy on June 4, 2010 at 1:17 pm

    WOOOHOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Jack wrote back:

    Dear adorable
    what more may I do to make you feel great? Your comment painted a broad smile on my face

    Jack

    LOL!!!!!!!!!! LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



  475.  #475Siena on June 4, 2010 at 1:23 pm

    Yayyyy Lucy!!! Man, I love real men! I really really love them… they are soooo great! You go girl!



  476.  #476Lucy on June 4, 2010 at 1:28 pm

    Thanks, Siena! I am at a loss though of how to respond!



  477.  #477Siena on June 4, 2010 at 1:29 pm

    howabout,

    “I don’t know… what do you have in mind?”



  478.  #478Lucy on June 4, 2010 at 1:32 pm

    Sweetpea, my cousin responded to the fb quote with “Amen to that!” 😀



  479.  #479Lucy on June 4, 2010 at 1:35 pm

    “What do you have in mind?” for ME, has kinda sexual overtones…

    How about the standard, “I don’t know. What do you think?”

    But that sounds kinda sterile to me.

    How about, “You can give me lots of presents and take me cool places!”

    HAHHAHAHA just kidding!

    I don’t want him to take me anywhere just yet — who knows, he could be a murderer? yuck, I hate how we always have to be careful about that.



  480.  #480Lucy on June 4, 2010 at 1:37 pm

    Dear Jack,

    I don’t know. What do you think?

    I feel happy reading your sweet little email! 🙂



  481.  #481Siena on June 4, 2010 at 1:40 pm

    ““What do you have in mind?” for ME, has kinda sexual overtones…”

    umm… ya! It’s ALL about sex Lucy! (haha)

    “sweet little email” sounds to me like, “I think you have a little penis”

    He’s a MAN! He stepped up big time! Open up, be receptive, be the Goddess you told him you were with your feeling statements!

    (feels scary, I know!)



  482.  #482Lucy on June 4, 2010 at 1:40 pm

    Dear Jack,

    I don’t know. What do you think? Thank you for asking!

    I feel happy reading your sweet little email! 🙂



  483.  #483Lucy on June 4, 2010 at 1:44 pm

    I feel confused, Siena! I thought my ideas WERE open and receptive!

    I don’t want it to be all about sex. There was so much of that with TN man, and look where it got me.

    I don’t want Jack to think I just want him for sex, cuz I don’t at ALL. He’s too old for me in that dept.

    I feel surprised at your interpretation of “sweet little email”!

    HELP!!!!!



  484.  #484Siena on June 4, 2010 at 1:48 pm

    Well, I was half kidding about “all about sex.” A lot of it is about sex though! He’s not looking for a business partner or a good gardener!

    No man I have ever know has liked the words “sweet” and “little” used in a sentence that has anything to do with him.

    He views himself as a conqueror, a hero, and stud… he wants a woman who sees him like that too.

    You being open is not you saying that you will sleep with him. Your power is yours to keep or to give away. He has to EARN it. But you can advertise that you have it!



  485.  #485Sweetpea on June 4, 2010 at 1:55 pm

    Amen!!! Lucy – I like that!

    I’m having to agree with Siena on the sweet little email. Could you tell him, “you’re email feels sweet?” That makes it another feeling statement – which he responded to quite nicely!

    I have, in my hot little hand, roasted red pepper hummus! Getting ready to dig in!!!

    Thanks for your advice. Driving while feeling all this aggressive energy felt mind-boggling!



  486.  #486Lucy on June 4, 2010 at 2:00 pm

    “He views himself as a conqueror, a hero, and stud… he wants a woman who sees him like that too.”

    Yeah, that’s where I went right off the bat with TN man — cuz I FELT it that way with him!

    But I don’t feel that with Jack — his age and his height, I guess.

    I do feel happy reading his email. Happy and smiley. I feel excited about him asking what else he can do to make me feel great. I like his attitude.

    This is so hard. I have no problem knowing what to say when I feel mega-attracted to a guy, but this sorta feels like writing dialogues for an assignment.
    🙁



  487.  #487Sweetpea on June 4, 2010 at 2:01 pm

    But Lucy, think how much easier it will be to feel no fear with this one.



  488.  #488Sweetpea on June 4, 2010 at 2:02 pm

    And then you can refer back to that feeling when you’re talking to a guy you really like and feeling hesitant.



  489.  #489Sweetpea on June 4, 2010 at 2:06 pm

    Well, I got on a site to answer an email from a WJM – someone I just started talking to – and he has deleted or disabled his profile…. It’s only been a couple of days. This is the 3rd time that’s happened. Except the first two I really was ignoring a little. This guy, I just wasn’t sure what to say, so I was waiting until I felt comfortable.

    I feel sad. I don’t think it was anything I did, but still… It seems rude to just disappear and not even warn me.



  490.  #490Sweetpea on June 4, 2010 at 2:07 pm

    I guess sometimes I don’t even have to sleep with them for them to withdraw. Man! I don’t even have to go out with them. 🙁



  491.  #491Lucy on June 4, 2010 at 2:08 pm

    Sweetpea, that’s just the thing — at the beginning with TN man I felt absolutely FEARLESS (haha, literally just like that Taylor Swift song!)… I had no hesitation with him at all cuz I was so into him and he was clearly into me and oh, life was good…..

    but I digress.

    Anyway, it’s very hard with someone I’m NOT into (Jack, in this case).



  492.  #492Sweetpea on June 4, 2010 at 2:14 pm

    I hear ya. You don’t have to be sexual to be flirty. I don’t even know why I made the tonsil hockey comment to SR, because I NEVER start the suggestive talk. So I totally understand why you don’t want to go there. I’m not suggesting you be suggestive. You can be flirty without being suggestive.

    Or… you could just leave him hangin’ for awhile until you feel comfortable with what to say….



  493.  #493Lucy on June 4, 2010 at 2:14 pm

    Dear Jack,

    I don’t know! I feel happy and excited that you asked. I like your attitude. Surprise me! 🙂

    Lucy

    (Is that directive and a no-no????)



  494.  #494Siena on June 4, 2010 at 2:18 pm

    love it (#492) Lucy!



  495.  #495Lucy on June 4, 2010 at 2:21 pm

    Ah. I feel triggered by the word “flirty.” TN man used to say all the time how “flirty and fun” I was. I loved it then. BOOHOOHOO.



  496.  #496Lucy on June 4, 2010 at 2:22 pm

    “surprise me” isn’t directive?

    I guess he did “delegate” when he asked, huh?



  497.  #497Jennifer on June 4, 2010 at 2:29 pm

    Gee..I feel bad.
    I still haven’t gotten another email from non subscribing man.
    This feels like “where’s the beautiful girl?”
    Wow. How come I feel so bad about a guy who emailed me like three times?
    I feel stupid. I feel over eager. I feel gauche.



  498.  #498Lucy on June 4, 2010 at 2:30 pm

    I feel weird flirting with an old man.

    Oh, um, he’s only three years older than my ex-h! Wow. My ex-h is OLD!

    Oh. Jack is the same age as my younger sister’s husband. She has said he is definitely too old and that she wished she married someone more her own age.

    If you average 25 and Jack’s ages, you get 40-something, which is the age I want.



  499.  #499Lucy on June 4, 2010 at 2:32 pm

    I like men who are exactly 45. 😉



  500.  #500Lucy on June 4, 2010 at 2:35 pm

    Hey, Siena, did you finally go out with Frenchie??



  501.  #501Sweetpea on June 4, 2010 at 2:48 pm

    Brenda – re: #457 – this is my normal sense of humor and the protectiveness thing is ALWAYS like this. People can talk smack about me all they want and it’s like water off of a duck’s back, but you start talking smack about my friends or family. EWWW – you better watch out, ‘cuz I come out swingin’! And it doesn’t take much for me to go there either. I’m actually much more angry at TB Kyle (that’s toxic boy) than at toxic woman on my site. My chinese zodiac is dog. I find that the protective part of that sign really fits me.

    Anyway… I am not going to talk about it anymore. This is me – just the aggressive part is quite a bit more intense than I’m used to of late. Shoulda heard me cuss like a sailor while I was driving… lol!!!



  502.  #502Sweetpea on June 4, 2010 at 2:49 pm

    I think the hummus is helping.