Sex With Ex – and Hoping For Re-Commitment

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Sex is such an important thing – not because it’s so crucial to be having sex for sex’s sake (though it makes us healtier in so many ways…) but because it’s such a serious barometer for the health and intimacy level of a relationship.

It says so much about the physical and emotional status of each of you. It demonstrates hormones – testosterone and estrogen. Dopamine and Oxytocin.

And hormones say a lot about who you are in so many ways.

Here’s a letter that’s a good jump off about sex in a relationship:

“Rori, I went through the same situation with my husband and it was indeed a big red flag when a man rarely initiated sex. And my husband for the longest time trivialized the issue as if I made sex such a big deal over everything else. He was (and sometimes is) still in denial how important sex is in a marriage.

Long story short, we broke up because I was so unfulfilled and resentful so I strayed (let’s just put it that way at this point).

We’re in a reconnecting phase these days and sex has been frequent and wonderful (once a week/10 days for 5 mins when we were married, 2-3 times a week for at least 30 mins these days). And he wanted and initiated it all the time. I sometimes wonder it is because I am “no longer” his wife so sex is more exciting (we haven’t lived back together and have yet to spend the night together since we broke up last year).

At any rate, I’m happy about our sex life. He’s now more responsive about pleasing me too, something he never cared before. I’ve been doing what basically needs to be done to be attractive again to your man (always dress femininely, be gracious and showing appreciation of things he does and that makes me happy, etc.)

I wonder what you think about sex during reconciliation. We’re not officially back together (he’s still resisting) but I know he can’t afford to lose me. At times I feel things don’t go as fast as I wish it did (I know…I know guys are slow). I do believe though that our sexual relationship is working to bond us closer but at the same time the golden rule out there is a man will less likely to commit as long as he gets sex with no string attached (though I know he’s not seeing anyone else).

Under opposite circumstances (if he was the one who was more sexual than me) I would have perhaps acted differently. But sex was the main thing I complained about during our marriage and now I have it turned full circle, so it’s a bit crazy if I’m complaining about that now (it just shows women really are never happy lol). thank you, Karen”

Here’s my answer:

Dear Karen,
I have so much to say here…and I think this applies no matter WHAT your situation. If your man is not sexually interested (once a week, as you describe is quite OFTEN for a man who isn’t much interested…), or if you’re dating a man where the sex is good but the commitment is fuzzy.

Let’s start with the centerpiece of this situation – he wasn’t interested in having sex with you – and now he is.
I’m assuming nothing’s changed physically – he’s not all of a sudden using Viagra or stopped watching porn, or started watching porn just before he sees you?

The only thing that’s changed then, is YOU.

And how have YOU changed?

A lot of different ways:
1. You’re not there all the time.
2. You’re not a sure thing.
3. You’ve demonstrated that you’re just fine without him.
4. You’ve demonstrated that you can take care of yourself physically and emotionally
5. You’ve demonstrated that you’re willing to be without him in order to have the love and relationship and fulfilling sex life you want and deserve.
6. You’ve demonstrated that you don’t NEED him, and that you’re not desperate to have him.
7. You’re “gracious” and “appreciative” – new things.

So now – he has absolutely no requirement of intimacy in order to have sex with you. There are no strings. He feels free. His body is responding again.

Only – what would happen if you got married again?

Would he all of a sudden feel pressured – by his internal workings – or by you – in a way that would interrupt his sexual response again?

Would he again start to withdraw sexually because that’s the easy way for him to do that?

(Opting out sexually is likely the number one way men AND women act out anger – and it’s the first thing that goes when intimacy winds down.)

If you’re lucky enough to have a man who just wants sex no matter what – this may not happen to you – or, he may cheat, instead.

The way to go here is to USE sex to practice INTIMACY.

That means you have to feel safe.

You have to feel safe and open, so HE’LL feel safe and open. You have to feel expressive and you have to surrender to yourself in his presence.

Continuing in next post:..

Love, Rori

Posted in

190 Comments

  1.  #1Ankita on May 29, 2010 at 12:10 pm

    The same as my case….
    My ex wanted sex from me… Though I didn’t have it with him again, but I too thought that it would make him commit…

    And learnt lesson, the hardest way…!! 🙁



  2.  #2Lucy on May 29, 2010 at 1:09 pm

    “(though it makes us healtier in so many ways…)”

    There’s my answer!

    Friend and Interloper Girl, here I come!!!



  3.  #3Daria on May 29, 2010 at 2:34 pm

    sex sex sex – its a full moon



  4.  #4mary on May 29, 2010 at 3:39 pm

    i want to hear more about this, Rori.

    could there have been a chance for me and R?

    what would i have done differently?

    mmmmmmmmmmmm.

    i love him.

    still.

    always will.

    R, I love you!

    and it’s a full moon.

    come on over!

    let’s explore each other.

    maybe this time it would be different.



  5.  #5Lucy on May 29, 2010 at 3:52 pm

    CRAP. I was gonna post the music video “Who I Am” on my facebook page cuz I love the song and right now am feelin this line: “And should my tender heart get broken, I will cry these teardrops knowin’ I will be just fine, cuz nothing changes who I am….”

    BUT the singer, Jessica Andrews, looks just like Interloper Girl!!!

    CRAP. That was NOT fun to watch. And I had looked it up so that I could watch it and listen to a song that would make me feel better.

    🙁



  6.  #6Daria on May 29, 2010 at 4:05 pm

    1 and a half and 5 cups of Uva Ursi infusion later daria is soaring on top of the WOOOORRRLLLDDDDDDD

    thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thannk you thankhyyou thank you thank you thank youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu

    joooooooooooooooyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

    i feel likeeeeeeee

    im bigger than my skiiiinnnnnn

    some stretching would feel gooodddddddddddd

    so i can BE my huge JOY FEELINGSSS



  7.  #7Daria on May 29, 2010 at 4:06 pm

    KISSSS!!! keep it simple spectacular starlight spring!



  8.  #8Daria on May 29, 2010 at 4:08 pm

    Everything is making more sense! like doing waht i want WHILE feeling my feelings and shaking when i feel fear, etc and cotinuing to do waht i want

    haha

    ohhh

    so much more power

    thank u

    i choose for it to last

    yes yes yes

    i surrender to myself



  9.  #9mary on May 29, 2010 at 4:10 pm

    it’s a full moon

    and i love my rotten feelings!



  10.  #10Daria on May 29, 2010 at 4:11 pm

    I feel like going out and blessing the world with ME!

    I feel scared to go to the bbq where my brothers actual blood brother stole my ipod (and i told him HA) would be, i feel afraid and shaky about that…

    i WANT to be that total fearless person that shows up at bbq’s without a thought that people “they’re not cool with” are there

    the way i feel right now, i feel afraid, to go by myself

    i feel afraid ill be traumatized of people isolating me pointing at me, laughing at me, ill feel humiliated

    heyyy

    u know i could get EFT help to clear this schooltimes trauma out once and for all

    taht would be rocky roady yum



  11.  #11Daria on May 29, 2010 at 4:13 pm

    I AM that person when i’ve drank of course. No i do not want to drink. haha. thought i did have a mini fantesy of going to the barbeque, drinking and throwing a lil show off dance

    i would feel shy and don’t know if id just throw a lil dance without having something to drink

    though if i feel supported and safe then i do

    yeah

    sooo i can HAVE this

    EFT can be a way to get there

    i want to look into working with a practitioner I like

    I haven’t totally found one that I can say … yes THAT’s the one for me



  12.  #12mary on May 29, 2010 at 4:46 pm

    daria! throwing a lil show off dance!

    hahahahahahahahaahahahaha

    i love that.

    more!



  13.  #13mary on May 29, 2010 at 4:46 pm

    oh!

    still so tickled!

    hahahaha hehehehe

    daria!

    you the best.



  14.  #14mary on May 29, 2010 at 4:47 pm

    i wanna do a lil show off dance!

    an i’m going dancing with man in the woods tonight!

    full moon and all.



  15.  #15aprilshowers on May 29, 2010 at 4:48 pm

    Rori,

    Can you say more about this? It feels incomplete for me. How can Karen use sex to practice intimacy?

    I have never done the sex with the ex thing…well, I did it once but I knew I was completely done with him.

    The idea of sex with someone who had walked away or I had walked away from always felt like it would destroy me. I’d feel too undone, too needy. Too much pain. It would feel like limbo to me. I would feel like we were back together, but I would know we weren’t.

    I feel really curious about what Karen can do to use this to her advantage.

    Thanks, Rori. Your our “[s]hero”.



  16.  #16mary on May 29, 2010 at 4:51 pm

    after we eat everything i’m cookin’:

    chicken (marinating now)
    sauteed with celery, bell peppers and banana peppers yum

    new potatoes
    boiled to perfection with butter yes

    beautifully rippled zucchini with tomatoes and seasoned toppings and tiny sprinkles of delicious aged cheddar

    and of course my Mary sour cream cake with strawberries and nonfat coolwhip!
    (why the nonfat? because i’m gonna eat everything else too! SOMEthing has to give)

    and also of course, the wine that he brings…



  17.  #17mary on May 29, 2010 at 4:52 pm

    but not too much wine : ) just a lil glass’ll be fine



  18.  #18mary on May 29, 2010 at 4:53 pm

    wine is too heavy for a full moon



  19.  #19mary on May 29, 2010 at 4:55 pm

    hello april showers:

    when my daughter got married, she married a guy who’s last name is May. They got married on May Day.

    so i wanted her to give out shower invitations (all of her showers were in April):

    April showers
    bring May flowers!

    i thought that was CLEVER.

    she didn’t go for it.
    too obvious, she said.



  20.  #20Daria on May 29, 2010 at 5:18 pm

    I’m cooking too…

    I have barley left over from the barley water…

    so im dicing vegetables … my mom got me lots of yummy sprouts i asked for

    im gonna have diced boiled carrots and green peppers…

    then im stir frying them with some olive oil (would like some other oooohhh sesame oil yes!!)

    with some sesame oil, and some bok choi leaves uncut, some cut spring green onion, some pea and clover sprouts

    then add the barley and fry a lil more

    hehe

    vegetable fried barley! tadah!!

    heheheh

    ooh i could add shrimp

    ill consider it

    might just have an all vegetable day today… i had almonds for breakfast… and im gonna have some raw avocado on top of my barley



  21.  #21Katie on May 29, 2010 at 5:26 pm

    Hello ladies – Interesting post for me.

    My ex is still attracted and every time I am near (every few weeks) he is acting cool but I feel his attraction and his contradiction.

    We’ve hugged and shared sensual kisses twice in the last 3 weeks, then he’s acting all dismissive after.

    I would love for us to get back together but it has to feel right. I could dive right back into bed with him right now but I know after there’d be mangled feelings (on my part). So don’t know how to play this one. I feel uncertain. I feel hopeful but I feel reluctant to rush into anything with him again because I was hurt last year and am only just recovering now.

    Do I still love him? Yep. And I miss him still every day. But I do want HIM to come forward in his own time and not just for sex.



  22.  #22mary on May 29, 2010 at 5:41 pm

    oh, good idea!

    i have raw avocado. i’ll throw that in.

    i’m jealous daria.

    yours is healthier than mine.

    lots to learn here!

    thankfully i’m in the right place to learn.

    just give me time.

    and clarity.

    and peace of mind.



  23.  #23mary on May 29, 2010 at 5:44 pm

    oh!

    old flame just replied to my email where i said, “you didn’t go two-stepping without me, did you?”

    he said THIS:

    !!!!!

    tu DUN…

    drum roll some more…

    !!!

    “If the notes and colors align (to speak YOUR language) we can two-step across Victoria. Victoria sounds like my kind of place. Down deep I am just a simple guy from blue-collar _ _ . I relate best to those kind of people.”

    Wow.

    My man might come two-stepping up.

    “I JUST KNOW…”

    But don’t get worried, sirens!

    I’m not gonna Island Man him. I’m not.

    And you can call me on that…

    … very soon, probably!



  24.  #24mary on May 29, 2010 at 5:45 pm

    so much sadness yesterday.

    so much happiness today.

    i’m too dependent on the men in my life.

    eh?



  25.  #25mary on May 29, 2010 at 5:58 pm

    what happened?

    man in the woods is almost here!

    my place is messy.

    i don’t care.

    Mary would never do that…

    Mary would care.

    Where is Mary ?>>?>>?



  26.  #26Simply Shannon on May 29, 2010 at 6:28 pm

    Mary: Post 24 = ME. Yes, I feel very dependent on men. Too much. I want a man to feel complete and happy. I haven’t quite figured out how to be those things without a man.

    I feel lonely. Even after my date with Mr. Masculine Man last night. I sit here all alone, and I hate it.

    I’m on this blog talking because I feel lonely. I don’t want to be alone. I’m not even feeling all that unhappy. Just have words to say and no one to speak them to. That feels bad.

    Blah. I feel bored. Gonna watch some TV and anesthetize my brain.



  27.  #27Simply Shannon on May 29, 2010 at 6:31 pm

    Oops – as to the original post.

    I feel embarrassed…

    I’ve been fantasizing about sex with my ex husband. I don’t know where that’s coming from, but there you have it. It’s pure fantasy (I wouldn’t get back together with him for MANY reasons), but he has definitely popped up in my fantasy film this week.

    Eeek. I feel embarrassed. And I feel amused. My brain is eff’d up. Sex with my ex? Yikes. I must be desparate. 🙂



  28.  #28Lucy on May 29, 2010 at 7:18 pm

    Lol, Shannon. I’ve had ex sex a few times in the past year. I would never get back together with him either, but, um, yeah, he knows what to do in bed. 😀
    One Saturday morning after my dance class I called him from the parking lot and said I was in the area and could I stop by. He was so surprised…and very happy! It was funny.



  29.  #29Sweetpea on May 29, 2010 at 8:15 pm

    I just got a text from a guy I had just started seeing when I found Rori’s book. I really liked him. He was really sweet & we went walking hand in hand in the park for our first date (after he took me to lunch & told me he was nervous when I made fun of his hand shaking – I thought it was from the chickory coffee. I wasn’t trying to be mean). Anyway, I jumped into sex with him too soon, then started reading Rori’s book and was freaking out because I had no idea where I stood with him & I didn’t want it to be just sex. Then he had problems with his daycare and started having to drive 200 hundred miles on his days off to pick up his son from his grandma’s – and didn’t have time for me anymore. And I couldn’t keep it together. Well, I did keep it together as far as he knows, but I just couldn’t handle it. So I broke it off with him. And I was honest and told him that I was freaking out because I jumped into sex before I knew where I stood with him and that I liked him too much and I didn’t want to be with someone who doesn’t have time for me – and split it off.
    We’ve kept in touch a little and now he just asked me how my love life is. So I asked him how his is. He’s been on two dates – nothing exciting! And I was sure he was seeing someone else and that’s why he didn’t have time for me – but at the same time I knew in my heart it wasn’t true. But I just couldn’t stop with the fear. So I ended it.
    What do I do now?
    My heart hurts. It feels like it is in my throat. I feel judgmental of myself for being so insecure. And judgmental of myself because I couldn’t quiet the fear voices inside me at the time. And now, I want to encourage him and try to do things right this time but I’m so scared.



  30.  #30Daria on May 30, 2010 at 12:02 am

    sometimes i feel sad and i fele kinda doubtful of rori. like if it wasnt for me learning this leaning back, id still have my group of guy friends to hang around with, even tho id have to go chase them down, and it seems like they dont even hang out outside anymore…

    so yeah even so it wouldnt be that much to do

    i just feel so lonely

    i am NOT doing waht i could be doing which is going out alone

    y?

    becuse i wasnt ready for it tonite

    i wanted to paint my toes – which i did ! good!

    and i feel sad cuz im still feeling a lil funny with that infection thing… yesterday the uva ursi was working top speed, tonite it seems to have had toned down

    who knows! what will happen

    i vote for complete healing

    i jsut feel so sad

    i used to have waht i wanted, a group of friends to be with outside everyday… i felt weird when people said… oh we’re not doig anything, we’re wasting our time, etc… like whaaat? what could be better than this ?

    now im probably doing the “right” thing which is sit in the house alone

    with no friends

    now i havent contacted my godsister who was my last real tie to friends – even tho ive been feeling like im chasing Her for years now

    i mean when i went over she would open the door and not say hi, just turn away and go into her room

    well

    she probably might say that its cuz were sisters so its natural that i come over, but still

    i want to be acknowledged, i want to be greeted, i want people to be happy to see me

    shes probably mad deep inside that me and her babydaddy got to be close friends. in fact who knows he probably liked me and even i felt attracted to him but i never took it there at all.

    good for me.

    i felt so werid cuz i felt her jealousy tho even before i was really close to him, when i did nice stuff for him like i would for all my brothers – and that sparked off weirdness extra weirdness in my mind

    im just tired

    i feel guilty like if i stop chasing her then im abandoing my godson, but hey, ive been barely visiting for liek the past 2 years

    she was there for me when i had huge fights with my family when i first met her, it was a place i could always lay my head at, and stay, and feel accepted and not to mention the huge fun with all my guyfriends at her house

    so i feel guilty like… oh yeah it was cool for me to come over when i needed you, but now that im no longer half homeless im gonna act like its not cool to visit u and u should visit me

    but i want to take care of me so i will

    i just feel heartbroken and sad

    i miss guywhohadababy… he was in my fantasiez yesterday, saying he wanted to be with me, kissing me

    cool cuz before i couldnt picture that

    i cant picture being 100% cool with my godsister nwo

    i just feel sad and alone

    and the men contacting me are all with the bullshit mostly…. theyll text or call and act all entitled and i know what theyere coming from having had so mnay guy friends but

    i feel sad

    i want to feel loved

    i got invited to a bbq but i know this guy who was my brother who stole my ipod was gonna be there, cuz its his family… so i didnt go

    i just feel so sad

    would i have even had any friends if i didnt chase people?

    i forgave my friends a lot at first and eventually they loved me

    but

    now that i have boundaries it seems im alone alone alone

    so alone

    alone with this stupid bladder infection that is still somewaht showint up

    i just dont want to live my life this way!

    ugh!

    i feel like im in jail and was that an earthquake?

    whoa

    ive been sacred for so long to be in jail

    and now im treating myself like i AM in jail

    and i cant bring myself to apply for a job that
    I DONT WANT

    even tho it woudl be the way to change

    because

    im afraid i ll get stuck in ajob that i dont want

    ugh

    like

    isnt the whole law of attraction thing that you dont go for what you dont want hoping it will get you what you want?

    yeah it is

    so waht then

    just sit here and feel miserable

    ok

    im doing that

    bravely



  31.  #31Rori Raye on May 30, 2010 at 12:14 am

    Daria – I so get the way you’re feeling…it’s a constant conflict of how you want to spend your time – curling up at home or getting dressed and made up and venturing out into the world to flirt and just be around some testosterone. To me, you’re in a fabulous place where this is starting to wind down and get clear. First – there’s no reason you can’t chase down men who are friends – except it’s hard to switch gears – so that’s why I say practice this across the board and see what you can DRAW IN instead of chase down. Also – can’t find your original comments about the “infection” – but your mention of uva ursi made me think bladder infection – if that’s so – try d-mannose. It’s miraculous. And you may need more powerful stuff like goldenseal or some chinese herbs, too…but the d-mannose is really magical – and SO gentle. What has to happen here, Daria, and I so identify- is a whole LIFESTYLE change. Getting into new and different social and public things and making completely new friends…scope out some ideas and see if you can get a new environment. Love, Rori



  32.  #32Daria on May 30, 2010 at 12:27 am

    Thank you Rori for seeing me. Yes, new lifestyle yes I am building it. just seems like i am at ground zero right now, and just slashing off old stuff.

    ok maybe its because i want to go to Brazil so im getting ready this way

    oh yes ive been trying so many herbs so much stuff. the uva ursi’s the only thing that’s worked so far

    i dont think its ecoli so the dmannose might not work.

    you’ve said it several times and so have others though, so i shall try it… i dont want the universe to keep yelling at me lol.

    ok new activities yes. new friends and yes im trying to draw in.

    ive leaned back mucho much and yes i dont want to chase them, tho i see its ok, its just not really really what i want, id rather draw people in indeed

    in fact the whole situation’s changed much, so there isn’t much TO chase, we don’t hang out in the same spot anymore like we used to

    this feleing i was having , it reminds me of middle school, when i sincerely and honestly prayed to be popular. haha i wanted to so bad, because i felt so desperately lonely and alone. and it seemed like everyday was the same, and barely once a year or so an opportunitey to do something cool and stand out and maybe make a friend

    hmm

    that feeling has stayed with me

    i felt really happy to be “popular” when i had my friends / family like i wanted

    and i felt increasingly sad to feel it slip away when it started changing

    i tried so hard to hold it together, but it wanted to move

    grr

    i love my feelings

    i want to heal this

    thank u



  33.  #33Daria on May 30, 2010 at 1:24 am

    Him: wat u do for work??

    Me: i help people with math and english
    outside of school
    especially to prepare for standardized tests
    like after college or before

    Him: thats cool

    Me: yeah it feels fun
    i got my own business
    i feel disappointed tho cuz its soo slow
    i have almost non existant marketing efforts
    i dont feel desire to do marketing

    Him: then u wont progress

    Me: dont hate hex

    Him: ??
    wat??

    Me: i dont want to hear “then u wont progress”
    and my lil green face kicked u the yellow face

    Him: well,,, how do u epect to get customers without marketing??
    expect**

    Me: well i will meet someone who is a marketing whiz and collaborate
    or
    somethign amazing will happen
    or
    ill suddenly start liking to do marketing

    Him: you cant sit around waiting all the time’
    pretty soon youll be in ur 30s still at home wondering why things arent getting better yet

    Me: well
    whatever
    that doesnt feel encouraging
    i dont want to hear about waht i cant do because im the one who does what i do
    im not feeling very successful at forcing myself to do things so far
    the things i do do i enjoy

    Him: i didnt say you cant do nuthin,, i said you havent been doin nuthin and you might wanna hurry up and get the ball rolling
    before its too late
    28 yr olds should be doingmore than sittin on the computor all day,,, live your life ya know

    Me: hmm i feel kinda judged
    im not feeling inspired here lol

    Him:lol
    my bad
    get up, get out, and make somethin happen in ur life!!!

    Me: i only do things i want to do
    im not gonna get up and do what other people think i should
    this life belongs to me
    im feeling kinda conflicted within myself and when that clears up some way i will be doing stuf

    Him: dont spend ur life on myspace,, pretty soon youll be old and regret not doing more

    Me: i feel resentful cuz i get used to feeling judged
    like people are either like omg… ur so amazing how did u do that
    or
    ohh u need to do this and that

    Him: thats life
    your not the only one that happens to

    Me: yah i feel kina misunderstood
    lol
    lool
    yah haha
    i bet im not loool

    Him: everyone has to do things they dont want to

    Me: maybe…
    maybe not
    doing things i dont want to is not a goal of mine

    Him: what are you going to do when your parents cant take care of you no more??

    Me: id rather talk to myself and get to want to do things that i think might get me what i want
    same thing ive always done
    live

    Him: how if you dont wanna work??

    Me: either something will come up
    or i will do things i want to do

    Him: oh… well i hope that works out for u somehow,, i doubt it will but good luck anyways

    Me: lols
    i feel surprised at this conversation
    i feel like im talking to my inner critic voices

    Him: im no critic
    maybe a dose of reality

    Me: hmm i feel judged again

    Him: everyone is judged everyday,, whether its a good judgement or a bad one is the question

    Me: being judged doesn’t feel good and i dont want to feel bad

    Him: i think ur just used to everybody agreeing with you and giving you wat u want,, so its a shocker to hear someone say that you need to step your game up
    think about what i said,,, have a good night and sweet dreams

    Me: whoa that feels bad!
    i dont like being judged
    or assumed aboud
    im feeling kinda defensive
    i dont want to be told what to do

    (he logs off here, i was going to too)

    so there it is … a mirror conversation that i have with myself, or with my dad or mom, or other people

    the thing is,

    i think HE’s right, but i want to be right, and i feel conflicted. … LOA or reality? ohhh

    i just want them to MESH together!!!

    I feel judgemental of myself with jsut his train of thought!!

    any ideas or inspirations???



  34.  #34Daria on May 30, 2010 at 1:29 am

    things i want to do:

    do muay thai at the fairtex gym which is supposed to be really good.

    and take singing lessons

    if i go to work i probably wont be able to do muay thai.

    shit i probably won’t be able to freakin EAT or feel comfortable or wake up when i feel good or any fuckin thing

    cuz ill be busy trading in my beautiful time for someone else to use a tiny fraction of my beautiful self so that i can “save money” for the future but what if i die or seomthing lol… then i will have been wasting my time right?

    ugh

    these theoughts always got me round and round



  35.  #35Daria on May 30, 2010 at 1:31 am

    like lil wayne says…

    what am i doinn??? what am i doinnn??/ … oh yeah thats right… im doing me… im living life right now and im doing mee… and ima do it till its over… but its far from over….



  36.  #36Daria on May 30, 2010 at 1:33 am

    Fuck you pay me!

    thats why im a genius and you all struggle to get in the box.

    except ima broke jenius and i kinda want in the box too dammit

    am i too unhumble and maybe i should humble myself and get a job which is what i promised my self i wouldnt do

    ist that what im supposeto do? crush my pride? why does that sound so NOT like what im supposed to do?



  37.  #37Daria on May 30, 2010 at 1:36 am

    ok Daria admit it. if google was like yes… come in tomorrow we will start paying you in two weeks… you would be THERE FAST !!! now!!

    yes i would

    so then… lets do that

    but i dont want to write cover letter. i feel the squeezy in my back

    i feel afraid and nope nope i dont want to

    remember when they told u to jump in the big end of the pool and you knew you werent ready and you jumped and you STILL remember clawing up the tiny tiles with your fingernails slippin and feeeling like youre drowning and no one helping u under the fuckin water?

    yes

    woudl you jump again?

    um no

    thank u

    you fuckers

    fuck u

    im doing me

    im doing meee

    id rather beg for food than stop doin meee

    and its far from overrrrrrr



  38.  #38Daria on May 30, 2010 at 1:37 am

    ok Daria admit it. if google was like yes… come in tomorrow we will start paying you in two weeks… you would be THERE FAST !!! now!!

    yes i would

    so then… lets do that

    but i dont want to write cover letter. i feel the squeezy in my back

    i feel afraid and nope nope i dont want to

    remember when they told u to jump in the big end of the pool and you knew you werent ready and you jumped and you STILL remember clawing up the tiny tiles with your fingernails slippin and feeeling like youre drowning and no one helping u under the fuckin water?

    yes

    woudl you jump again?

    um no

    thank u

    you efers

    f u

    im doing me

    im doing meee

    id rather beg for food than stop doin meee

    and its far from overrrrrrr



  39.  #39Daria on May 30, 2010 at 1:49 am

    Dear Daria

    lets get some clearing

    you are having a conflict between a part of you that WANTs to work at google, Wants to write a cover letter, and thinks this is a great way to take care of yourself financially

    and a part of you who wants to stay true to your ideal of NOT having a job and feels proud of her independence of thought and action by not doing so, despite or in fact Especially when you are under strong duress. this part feels very powerful and strong to be under duress because it says look how enduring, powerful, strong and cool i am, that i have this integrity to stick to my ideals even in the face of suffering

    yay!!

    hi parts!

    i see you and love you both

    well Erika EFT does some kinda work with these conflicts, i will try it on my own now

    yes people want to crush part number 2, or else uphold it.. i judge thinking that they want to crush it because they feel jealous, their part number 2 is strong and they are not honoring him or her, and therefore, they want to say NO to my part 2.

    but i say yes to both. and i did my eft. now to see how my subconscious mind solves this conflict

    lets see

    any new insights?

    mmm not so much – this feels mildly uninteresting now



  40.  #40Daria on May 30, 2010 at 1:56 am

    Even though a part of me WANTS to be under duress because it uses that as a crutch to prove what a worthy and powerful person i am, i am willing to love and accept and forgive myself… and what if i were able to feel worthy and powerful without needing this helper crutch anymore?

    what if i felt the worthiness and power right within myself… and what if didnt lose my love with and relationship to other worthy and powerful people i know, even if they are still using that crutch?

    that woudl feel great

    i choose that



  41.  #41Daria on May 30, 2010 at 2:00 am

    this was on MSN

    Four Traits Men Find Irresistible
    A pretty girl will certainly turn a man’s head, but what are the personality characteristics that can lead to something more permanent, like falling in love?

    By Robin Hilmantel

    More from Cosmopolitan
    Sex Tips From Guys
    5 Traits a Guy Should Have Before You Get Serious
    10 Things You Don’t Know About Kissing
    How to Know if He Will Ever Marry You
    How to Make Your Boobs Look Amazing
    Glossy lips and amazing cleavage will inspire a guy to cross a crowded room, but when it comes to triggering that hit-by-a-truck (in a good way) feeling, less obvious factors are at play. “Although guys might not even realize it, they have several deep-seated fears about commitment that may stop them from pursuing a woman,” says Diana Kirschner, Ph.D., author of Love in 90 Days. “And on a subconscious level, they’re instantly attracted to personality traits that put those fears at ease.”

    You likely already possess the tantalizing traits Kirschner is referring to. The trick is knowing how to play them up when you’re face-to-face with a worthy guy. Put the following advice into action and the only thing he’ll have to be afraid of is falling in love too fast.

    1. Ignore Him After Five Minutes
    You’ve just met an incredibly gorgeous guy, and he doesn’t even have a Brody Jenner-size ego to match. “At this point, a lot of women want to shower the guy with attention because that’s how we treat girlfriends we like,” Kirschner says. “But that can make a guy feel pressured, and being pressured into a relationship is something many men worry about.” The smarter move? Don’t act so impressed.

    Refusing to be wowed easily will send the message that not only are you not pressuring him, but you may even be slightly out of reach. “Because men are biologically hardwired to be competitive, they need to feel like they’re making the choice to be with you and then working toward winning you over,” says John Amodeo, Ph.D., author of The Authentic Heart. “You need to give a guy the space to do that.” Instead of focusing on him, pay just as much (and, at times, even more) attention to others around you, advises clinical psychologist Belisa Vranich, Psy.D., author of He’s Got Potential.

    And when he mentions having done something undeniably awesome, like studying abroad in Nepal, resist the urge to gush about how amazing that must have been. Play it cool by maintaining a low-key tone, and challenge him to prove how smart he is by saying “That’s a curious choice. What made you decide to go there?” By questioning him (instead of going all awestruck), you’ll trigger his competitive instincts.

    2. Be Comfortable in Your Skin
    It doesn’t matter how drop-dead sexy your outfit is. If you’re not confident about and comfortable with your body, a guy can tell — and be turned off — in a matter of minutes. “If you move with confidence and sensuality, it’s a sign that you’re going to be just as confident and sensual in the bedroom,” Vranich says, “which squashes any worries he might have that he’s going to date a hot girl only to find out she’s never in the mood.” In other words, a perfectly timed lip lick or sensual stretch might as well be catnip for men.

    If you’re a normally confident woman who can get nervous around guys — especially hot ones — try focusing on little details around you. You can’t pay attention to how the bartender is constructing his signature cocktail and psych yourself out at the same time. “Projecting your attention outward instead of inward helps you relax,” Kirschner says.

    Once you’re feeling more comfortable, try dragging your fingers slowly along your collarbone, massaging your neck, or arching your back while letting him see and/or hear (try letting out a little mmm…). When he sees how good you’re making yourself feel, he’ll subconsciously assume that you’re someone who loves to give and get pleasure.

    3. Show Off Your Playful Side
    Okay, so you probably already know that guys go gaga for fun girls and steer clear of women who seem uptight. But you’ll never guess why. “A lot of guys are afraid that the second they commit to a girl, they’ll turn into one of those couples who fight all the time,” Kirschner says. A playful attitude shows him you have a sense of humor, and he assumes that any woman who laughs easily is going to be a helluva lot more pleasant to break out the boxing gloves with.

    “What do guys do with other guys when they’re at odds? They have fun and make fun of each other,” says dating coach Evan Marc Katz, author of Why You’re Still Single. “Guys don’t fight dirty with their male friends; they just mess around.” Ideally, that’s the way he wants it to be with you.

    “Being playful shows that you can reframe bad things in a positive light and laugh at them, not get too worked up about them,” Vranich says. If he’s wearing a goofy shirt, tease him about it. Or if you spill your wine or say something stupid, laugh it off instead of freezing up. A guy will especially read into how you talk about other relationships, so show him that you’re the type who doesn’t freak out easily by telling him a funny story about the time your friend’s BF totally botched the first meeting with her parents … and how it cracked you up.

    4. Talk About What You Really Love
    That initial conversation you have with him is the perfect time to mention that you just went to your first foreign-film festival or have suddenly become obsessed with running or cooking or whatever. You’ll simultaneously be clueing him in to what you like and putting one of men’s biggest relationship fears to rest: boredomphobia.

    “Men are looking for excitement, they’re looking for high energy, they’re looking for passion in a relationship,” Kirschner says. “So they’re inherently more attracted to someone who’s thrilled to try new things.”

    Whether a guy knows it or not, there’s a scientific reason why his natural preference for passionate chicks pays off. Studies show that doing something you’ve never done before leads to the creation of the brain chemical dopamine, which creates feelings similar to romantic infatuation. So if he’s with a girl who loves to do fun and interesting things every weekend, the dopamine will keep flowing and they’re both more likely to stay madly in love.

    To show him that life with you could never be boring, let him know that you’re prepared to sell your soul for tickets to see your favorite band in concert next month or that you can make 10 kinds of salsa that are all 100 times better than what’s on the bar. In other words, don’t hold back when it comes to what you love. He’ll be wowed by your enthusiasm — even if he couldn’t care less about your obsession.



  42.  #42Daria on May 30, 2010 at 2:16 am

    cuz im a gypsy… r u coming with me… i dont make agreements… i might steal your clothes and wear them if they fit me…

    oh my gosh

    i got a lot of spirits tryna express themselves in me



  43.  #43dorothea on May 30, 2010 at 8:17 am

    thanks for posting that article daria. it is interesting.



  44.  #44Lucy on May 30, 2010 at 9:14 am

    Oh, Daria, I felt awful reading that convo with that guy! 🙁



  45.  #45Lucy on May 30, 2010 at 9:22 am

    It also feels awful reading that article. Wanna know why?

    Cuz Interloper Girl is ALL those things, perfectly, naturally, without even trying. She is absolutely perfect. There is no way they will ever split up. They are both perfect — win/win for them.

    You can’t get much more exciting and fun than “bi.” Lotsa dopamine there.

    Compared to her, I fall waaay short.

    That article, that list, I fall short. I try, but I just can’t be and do all those things and ways of being.

    🙁



  46.  #46Lucy on May 30, 2010 at 9:30 am

    Oh, and guess what??????

    WAY TO KICK ME WHEN I’M DOWN, GOD!!!!!

    I dressed all nice and pretty for church today. Cute New Guy has been in church with his little daughter for four weeks now, and I have been thinking maybe he is available…..

    But TODAY — TODAY!!!!!! — he shows up with his daughter, a little boy in his arms, and a WOMAN. TODAY. The way they interacted, it was pretty obvious they are married and in love.

    In love. Married.

    TODAY. After everything that has happened this weekend already.

    It was more than I could take. I left church and drove around and went to Arby’s and got a milkshake.

    There are so very few guys I feel at all attracted to, and Cute New Guy was one of them.

    GOD???????

    HELLO????????



  47.  #47Lucy on May 30, 2010 at 9:48 am

    “cuz im a gypsy… r u coming with me… i dont make agreements… i might steal your clothes and wear them if they fit me… ”

    Maybe I can just be a gypsy . . . go out there and do a threesome . . . live it up . . . be used . . .

    It doesn’t seem like there is anything better for me than that.



  48.  #48Lucy on May 30, 2010 at 9:51 am

    25 is facebook chatting with me, begging me to hang out with him.

    He is TWENTY- EFFIN-FIVE!!!! NO POTENTIAL FOR LTR/MARRIAGE WITH A 25 YEAR OLD!!!!

    GOD YOU ARE SO FREAKIN NOT FUNNY.



  49.  #49Lucy on May 30, 2010 at 10:00 am

    I don’t know how I am going to make it through this day or the next one or the one after that.



  50.  #50Jeannette on May 30, 2010 at 10:15 am

    Guys, I have a freaky situation that is just about to show itself. In 1 hour I am going to meet up with a guy I knew 37 years ago. I was 17. We had a relationship in which I left him after a year for my ex-husband. Now we are meeting up again and it’s SCARY!!! I wonder what he’ll look like, I wonder what it will feel like….Too weird. He found me on classmates.com



  51.  #51Ankita on May 30, 2010 at 11:06 am

    Just came back after watching , “Twilight”. It came out a long time ago, but I gotta watch it today for the 1st time on my TV.

    The story just touched me.. Esp. the dialogues, “The lion fell in love with the lamb.”, and “What a stupid lamb!”

    In spite of himself being an vampire, he protected her from every problem. He did even risk his own life, just for her sake. He did everything he could do for her.

    I was feeling so moved.. I loved their sacred love..

    I just wish, someday I get someone like the male protagonist, who’ll love me so much, will risk everything to be with me, protect me, provide for me..

    I wanna be the only thing he ever cared about.. I wanna be the only one he ever dreamt of… I wanna be the only one he would be ever concerned about… I wanna be his world.. I wanna be his life…..

    I am feeling so much love in my heart, I feel like I can sink in them myself… It’s like, the love is literally pouring out of my heart…

    I want love, I want to receive love, and then give it back.. I feel like, finally, am ready for love…!!



  52.  #52Ankita on May 30, 2010 at 11:30 am

    I feel so much love in my heart…

    I feel so much love for you… I want you… I miss you…

    How funny, I am missing the person, whom I haven’t met yet, perhaps, but he’s the one god has chosen for me..

    I wanna feel close to you, so close, that no one will ever be able to pull you away from me…

    I feel so passionate…

    I feel like there’s a fire burning somewhere in me, as I wait for you…

    I want to feel your touch, I wanna feel you, your love, your passion, your obsession…

    I want you to get addicted to me, just like people get addicted to drugs… I wanna be your brand of heroin… I wanna be the only one, you can’t function without…

    My smell, my face, my body, my mind, my love, everything should just pull you out towards me…

    “Come and take me, all this while, you are the only one I have been waiting for..!!”



  53.  #53Jennifer on May 30, 2010 at 12:09 pm

    Lucy………I’m feeling your pain. I was riffing in the last string about a guy in the bar asking me where the beautiful girl was…in reference to my friend.
    I feel so bad for you…but I know that this isn’t a message of “what you can’t have” from the universe. ( I sometimes feel that way when things don’t work out the way I want them to.)
    I feel like Cute New Guy is a message for you like “Hey lucy…here’s a type of guy who might be ok for you..what do ya think?” Maybe he’s like a theatrical trailer from the universe. You get a peek at what might be coming around to a theater near you so when the movie comes out you know how you feel about it.
    I took some time today and made a “kicked in the teeth” list. It’s a list of some stuff I like to do if I’m having a bump in the road. Maybe some of it could help you feel better too?
    Go to the pet shop and pet puppies….ya can’t be sad with a puppy in your lap.
    Get a wash and blow out at the salon…
    Get a mini facial
    go to the beach with a book and a blanket
    Play with my nephew
    Pour a HOT bath and use the good bath salts and climb in with a romance novel
    Have people over for dinner.
    Rent movies no one but me wants to watch
    PEDICURE!!!!
    Chai Tea latte at the place down town..and leave enough for the lady on the corner who begs for change to get free coffee and bagel.
    New top that’ i’ve been eyeing….ice blue! Will need new ear rings…
    Tea with nanny
    Plan trip to the states this summer with nephew.
    Plan trip to gay pride parade in Toronto.
    Wash and Vacuume car and spritz with moroccan spice fabric refresher.
    What do you think?



  54.  #54Lucy on May 30, 2010 at 12:47 pm

    Thanks Jennifer.



  55.  #55Daria on May 30, 2010 at 12:57 pm

    Jennifer that’s awesome. I gotta get more in tune with my list too.

    last afternoon the uva ursi seemed to not be working anymore. that felt awful.

    today i feel somewhat better.

    i feel guilty that i havent worked otu and my body is HURTING feeling tight and asking to be stretched and moved

    i love myself a lil at a time

    i realize that having my kidneys and bladder affected means i feel Extra worried because tehy are in charge of worries

    still, knowing that the uva ursi really worked 2 days ago and i was getting normal pee – i can take it as a GREAT sign –

    what a harrowing journey through the tunnel this has been



  56.  #56Lucy on May 30, 2010 at 1:00 pm

    My best friend who lives in another state, who I haven’t been in touch with for a couple weeks, just messaged me, “Hey, what’s going on with that man?!”

    I told her the recent developments.

    Here is her response:

    “Ew, Ew, Ew….. Did I say EWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!! SHARING?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
    IS HE FREAKING CRAZY?!?!?!?!?!?

    “Aw girl. I am sorry. He’s a mess.

    “Please don’t go see him. It will only tear you up even more.”



  57.  #57Lucy on May 30, 2010 at 1:02 pm

    I wonder what Erika Awakening would say about this. Wish she was still here. She was open to polyamory, I think.



  58.  #58Lucy on May 30, 2010 at 1:11 pm

    I just want it all to be over.

    I want to feel better.

    I want to feel GREAT.

    I cannot see any hope of that happening.

    I feel pathetic.



  59.  #59Lucy on May 30, 2010 at 1:13 pm

    Why did my (female) friend say, “He’s a mess”?

    He’s not a mess. He’s doing just fine.

    *I* am the one who’s a mess.



  60.  #60Daria on May 30, 2010 at 1:21 pm

    Lucy – he’s a mess for offering you crumbs… tho he may not realize it…

    I am so with your friend

    I’ve PUT myself there in a 3 somes for a man i wanted (he left me and married the other woman).

    I even helped another man attract women and bring them home with him, and then helped straighten out his bed because he was bringing another woman over. OMGGG

    what was i doing? (being a friend, lost in thinking).

    And to think he WANTED me at first. OF COURSE that turned him off!!

    not putting my feelings first … um … at ALL!

    Thank you for leaving me guywhohadababy!

    yeah!!

    i am ready for you and all men now



  61.  #61Daria on May 30, 2010 at 1:25 pm

    Same is going to have to go for my sister – how can she respect me if i dont respect myself… and am always “forgiving” of too much… just like Rori’s letter.

    She doesnt’ want a WEAK friend. I don’t want to BE a weak friend. so there. I won’t be. HA. this is gonna be GREAT!



  62.  #62Daria on May 30, 2010 at 1:32 pm

    Ok so it would help I bet if i COMMUNICATED with her.

    I feel more comfortable just keeping to myself. That is a form of communication too. Not too loving.

    I don’t know. I feel angry thinking of reaching out.

    I will reach in.

    Do me.

    Be me.

    I want to be chased, apologized to.

    I dont’ want to reach out right now.

    So what if I see her we get in a fight… really?

    Is that how friends act ? haha

    anyway… I can fight pretty damn well



  63.  #63Lucy on May 30, 2010 at 1:34 pm

    I feel the way I felt after I had that fling with the married man and wanted to get back with M but my dumping him had caused him to go back to D.

    I wanted him back SO BADLY. And I could not believe I had really lost him. We had been engaged, I broke it off, and I think somehow I thought that meant I could pick it back up again if I wanted to.

    I did not anticipate him going to D and staying with her.

    I was incredulous that I coudn’t have him back.

    I felt like I was gonna go crazy. So…. I took a spontaneous trip by myself to Florida during spring break. . . and ended up a few weeks later moving in with a guy I met there. A few months later ended up pregnant. He wanted me to abort but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. So he started throwing me around. So I left. Ended up in one of those maternity homes and gave my baby up for adoption. A year later, heartbroken, grieving my baby, lonely, and depressed, I married a man I met through a mutual friend. That turned out to be a disaster (except for the great kids I got through that union).

    All because of how devastated I felt about losing M.

    Like I feel now.

    And it was MY FAULT and MY CHOICE that I lost M — I BROKE UP WITH HIM!!!!

    I used to think that my horrible marriage was punishment for the things I did that were “immoral” before that.

    So, what am I being punished for NOW? The same kind of stuff?

    I have not felt like this since that episode with M — like, 25 years ago. And look what disaster came from my reaction to feeling this way THAT time. Am I going to spiral out of control like that NOW?

    I just don’t get why HE and Interloper Girl get to have what THEY want, and I don’t. WHY? WHY? WHY?

    WHY do THEY get to have each other and be happy together and not ME?

    I feel like a total loser.

    Unwanted.

    Unchosen.



  64.  #64Daria on May 30, 2010 at 1:42 pm

    all the other times we got in a fight, i let her hit me and didnt hit her back. ok it was only twice. once i was a lil too drunk and i was surprised and asked her wtf was up… did she want to be friends.. and thats how we became sisters.

    the second time she did, i felt guilty, because i know she was mad about me putting her, pregnant, in terrible danger due to my negligence

    so i felt kinda good that she did that cuz it expressed that

    but i also have felt sortof intimidated, cuz letting someone hit you without hitting them back can do that to me

    so anyway

    i dont feel intimidated now. nor do i feel like not hitting her back. tho i dont want to hurt her either.

    ok maybe i feel like socking the hell out of her face.

    haha

    i love myself



  65.  #65Lucy on May 30, 2010 at 1:52 pm

    Thank you, Daria, that is helpful to me (#59).

    Can you explain how offering me crumbs means he is “a mess”? I would think it just means that he is doing what he wants . . ?

    “not putting my feelings first … um … at ALL!”

    Yes, I have been exploring my feelings around his “offer” . . . and have been feeling sorta like this, maybe this response to him:

    “With this particular scenario, I would probably feel an icky ‘left out’ feeling. I don’t want to feel like that.”



  66.  #66Lucy on May 30, 2010 at 1:53 pm

    If I socked the hell out of Interloper Girl’s face she wouldn’t be so darn cute any more.



  67.  #67Daria on May 30, 2010 at 1:54 pm

    Lucy – Choose YOU Goddess.



  68.  #68Daria on May 30, 2010 at 2:00 pm

    Lucy – you are right, he’s just doing what he wants.

    He’s also not being Wonderful Man by offering you crumbs = mess.

    However yes, its not so much about him being a mess, than that crumbs feel icky.

    I don’t want to see you giving away your power to him.

    I agree with (LG was it?) that man in church’s message is that there Are other attractive men out there.



  69.  #69Lucy on May 30, 2010 at 2:02 pm

    It feels like God loves HIM and Interloper Girl more than God loves me, way more.

    Why else would God give them what they want and not me?

    I’m not just jealous of HER that she got HIM, but also jealous of HIM that he got HER.



  70.  #70Lucy on May 30, 2010 at 2:04 pm

    “I agree with (LG was it?) that man in church’s message is that there Are other attractive men out there.”

    Yeah, but he ALSO turned out to be UNAVAILABLE.

    So, the attractive men who ARE out there, are UNAVAILABLE.



  71.  #71Daria on May 30, 2010 at 2:06 pm

    I would think it’s because God wants you to choose YOU instead of choosing someone else first.

    I am sure that’s why i didn’t get guywhohadababy. Because I wasn’t choosing me, and I would have chose him without knowing me.

    And so now you are in a better position to Choose YOU.



  72.  #72Daria on May 30, 2010 at 2:10 pm

    That’s because church man was only a message. There will be MORE men that ARE attractive. And they will babystep by babystep be more and more available, and more and more good, until there’s a bunch of awesome good ones you’re dating, and you feel open, and then there will be space for you to choose one forever.



  73.  #73Ankita on May 30, 2010 at 2:37 pm

    Hello everyone

    I am sharing something very personal here, but the moment I saw it, my head got spinning, please see this letter by the guy who is just a guy among the guys who did contact me on a dating site.. His letter, got my head spinning round…

    Plz give your take on it… There goes the letter—>

    “dont know how to start and where to start ankita

    ill be always thinking of u only
    if i see starts at night, i remember your sparkling eyes only

    i dont know why
    if ill just think of ur name it will bring smile on my lips i dont know why
    ull breeze goes throuhg my chaos
    and ur breeze snuggles me my warmth
    i have never seen u
    but i can feel u
    iam saying it all honestly ur the only gal of my dreams
    who in my dreams smtyms makes me laugh, and also makes me cry sometimes..
    I like you more than any limit…
    i have read ur fropper messages many times more than 99 times
    perhaps u might not be knowing
    i want to know more and more abt u

    u ll the only face whom i am searching in crowds

    u re the one
    u re the one

    even i can see ur silky hair touching in my dreams and ur soft skin
    i cant even for get it
    when ever ill see my face in the mirror ill just get the glitz of urs only anki

    pls msg me
    after 2 days iam going to my college

    pls call me at XXXX its my number only for these 2 days
    after wards ill got to hostel na sso i have to change my sim

    pls call me yar pls call me
    ill be waiting for ur call u already know my id na it is phanisrikanth23@gmail.com
    if possible i can even write it with blood
    always urs and urs and urs only my life, u r my life….”



  74.  #74Ankita on May 30, 2010 at 2:39 pm

    Am so scared… I don’t even know this guy properly and he is … this way…!!

    He isn’t the kind of guy I want in my life…!!



  75.  #75Lucy on May 30, 2010 at 2:44 pm

    Daria, I did choose me before I chose him. That’s another thing that makes this so frustrating.



  76.  #76Lucy on May 30, 2010 at 2:45 pm

    Ankita, I have had some like that too. I agree with “He isn’t the kind of guy I want in my life…!!”



  77.  #77Lucy on May 30, 2010 at 2:46 pm

    Haha, Ankita, is that his actual email address? We should all write him love letters. Lol.



  78.  #78Lucy on May 30, 2010 at 3:00 pm

    I think I hurt 25’s feelings. I was venting to him on fb chat about you-know-who, and 25 was like, “I’M right HERE!”

    He lives a couple blocks away, but I have refused to meet him cuz he is TWENTY-FIVE.

    So I told him once again that he is TOO YOUNG for me. And now he’s not saying anything. He ALWAYS talks to me when we are both on fb at the same time. But not now.

    So I think I hurt his feelings blubbering about the Man with the Bi.



  79.  #79Lucy on May 30, 2010 at 3:04 pm

    Maybe his new name should be Foreman. You know, the guy on “House” who was dating 13, the bi.

    Hmmm, 13 and Foreman broke up. I think they’re gonna get back together again though. I think he loves her.

    But maybe she will choose Chase now that Cameron is out of the picture.

    OOOOHHH! And then Cameron and Foreman can get together! (Can’t really see that happening.)

    But, of all the characters, I am most like Cameron. I think. Maybe not. I WAS, but I am different now.



  80.  #80Lucy on May 30, 2010 at 3:09 pm

    Okay, if Interloper Girl is BI, she should be with a GIRL, and not taking up one of the men. She has got EVERYBODY to choose from, girls and guys. Leave the guys for US, bi-girl!



  81.  #81Daria on May 30, 2010 at 3:24 pm

    Lucy – getting hung up on this man is NOT choosing YOU.

    AND refusing to meet with this 25 year old man, because he’s 25… instead of meeting with him and practicing tools

    anyway that’s your business,

    i feel frustrated and I don’t like feeling drained of energy

    good for 25 year old for standing up for himself. it seems like basically teh universe is SCREAMING at you.. to pay attention to men who are THERE.

    ok you don’t want him right now… well it is a START not an end… to practicing tools.

    CLEARLY you are not CHOOSING YOU.

    you’ve been holding on for dear life to this internet man the whole time

    like Rori says, hands out in fists, grabbing onto his collar

    and now of course that didn’t work

    but hey this is your journey

    all i know is Rori’s tools work, and I feel angry.. I FEEL angry taht I’m GIVING out and not feeling received, not feeling like it’s helping much

    UGH

    I don’t like feeling this way

    I feel MAD!

    to me what i see is that

    when i try to help u are too intent on being “different” from other sirens that you won’t practice tools… and reject them by sidestepping… as if we didn’t also go through periods like that…

    well i know that practicing tools Rori’s stuff started to speak more and more to my heart.

    but i guess it started somewhere with a spark and a desire

    if someone doesn’t feel the spark or desire and connecting with Rori’s tools, then maybe they are not on the path at a time where they can connect

    fuck it

    I am feeling angry for focusing my energy outwardly instead of on my own damn self

    i don’t like to see people suffering

    i don’t like to offer help and feel rejected

    i feel helpless (and I am)
    and i don’t like feeling that way

    UGH

    I feel mad

    i love my feelings



  82.  #82Tina on May 30, 2010 at 3:32 pm

    I feel unheard, I feel like smashing something ok maybe not smashing something, just the feeling of smashing something. I need a nap, bbl. Truckman left before I finished cooking, I said I need my space, he said ok and left, I feel relief from that. ok bye.



  83.  #83Tina on May 30, 2010 at 3:33 pm

    I;m not into have ex sex, blah.



  84.  #84Lucy on May 30, 2010 at 3:34 pm

    “you’ve been holding on for dear life to this internet man the whole time . . .like Rori says, hands out in fists, grabbing onto his collar”

    That is YOUR perception, and it is simply not true. You have no idea what goes on for me behind the scenes. Just because I have strong FEELINGS does not mean I have been REACTING (“holding on for dear life”) out of those feelings. I have been FEELING my FEELINGS, and yet RESPONDING (rather than REACTING) by USING Rori’s tools.

    AND —

    I HAVE been paying attention to the men who are HERE — LOTS of them, being open to them… I just don’t talk about them on here very much cuz not much happens with them.

    I feel frustrated.

    You DO help me, Daria.



  85.  #85Lucy on May 30, 2010 at 3:37 pm

    AND, not meeting with 25 is absolutely positively CHOOSING ME. I know know know that I would regret meeting him. I would sleep with him and probably get a disease. I am CHOOSING ME — what’s GOOD for ME by not being with him.



  86.  #86mary on May 30, 2010 at 3:54 pm

    Hello, and still reading through…



  87.  #87mary on May 30, 2010 at 3:56 pm

    Shannon,

    26 and 27

    Could those feelings (loneliness, wishing for your ex) have anything to do with the loss of Mr. Fab Kisser?

    There must be a big void there.

    : (



  88.  #88Daria on May 30, 2010 at 3:59 pm

    HELLO FLOATING JOURNAL –

    I am wondering if taking the probiotic supplement is not actually HINDERING my Uva Ursi treatment. My guess is yes. Hmm… what shall I DO then?

    or is it no? I didn’t take the probiotic last nite when i felt the most return of icky feeling bladder stuff.

    GRR

    I WANT A FUCKIN DOCTOR that is good dammit

    even the acupuncturist lady i dont feel totally heard in what Im concerned about

    RAAAH

    I KNOW ITs a good sign that the Uva Ursi worked for one day. Ok.

    I would like to be completely cured thank you.



  89.  #89Lucy on May 30, 2010 at 4:10 pm

    I have been using the tools on 25 all along. Why do you think he’s still after me after 10 months??? Because I am a SIREN to him. He sees me choosing ME over and over again, communicating in feeling messages, leaning back, saying No to what I don’t want, being open to communicating with him, respecting my own boundaries.

    And the thing is, I have been doing the same thing with Non-Judging Man (that’s a great name for him, cuz it won’t change and it is one of the reasons I like him so much). I have used all the tools with him too. I have received MANY messages and mirrors from our connection, and the various steps of the journey with him have healed many triggers and wounds.

    It feels funny to me that you wanted me to write off Non-Judging Man a long time ago instead of practicing the tools with him.



  90.  #90Daria on May 30, 2010 at 4:16 pm

    Lucy –

    you would sleep with him and probably get a disease

    ok… thats just a weird feeling thought and you know it

    you have boundaries… there’s no need to sleep with a man when you don’t want to

    if he were to have a disease you could insist he go get checked

    you have POWER

    i am thru with listening to Denial and letting it be… it doesn’t feel good to me

    I Feel PIST that you are denying that you have been hanging on to that man

    ok… no i dont know what YOU are thinking, nor am i interested in thought… i know what i FEEL.

    and i know that it FEELS BAD. and i know that YOU are feeling bad right now

    CUT IT OUT!

    Stop throwing yourself after that man

    STOP doubting your ability to take care of yourself (I will sleep with a man just by meeting him – NO )

    You don’t NEED TO LIMIT YOURSELF .

    Circular DATE. LIKE, let men treat you the way you want that special man to treat you.

    Then tell them it feels good or bad or whatever.

    Tell 25 year old that you don’t want to sleep with him, then DON’T

    Go out with another man, LEARN TO ENJOY MALE DATING ATTENTION,,, by Practicing being there

    then the attractive men will begin to join that attention

    GEEZ – I’ve DONE this and I guess for me I had an impetus that I had never allowed a man to treat me well before, so it was fun to allow some, just for kicks, even though it felt weird uninteresting

    but what felt fun was practicing tools… like All feeling messages and all Quiet…

    so weird and awkward… yet fun… and i progressed it

    we’re supposed to be discussing tools, but most of what i’ve read from you is about a single man, not about your newest application of a tool, or what tool you are using now

    i’m feeling mad

    I don’t want to pretend i feel ok or feel good or not judgemental…

    what i feel is overwhelmed, frustrated, pist off, and not good

    no more suffering or self pain in my face without my saying something

    it doesn’t feel good dammit

    no i won’t allow anyone to cut themselves and bleed in front of me and smile and keep talking to me like nothing is up

    fuck that

    fuck everybody tryna do that

    i’m not standing for it

    YOU are not cool to drink

    YOU are not cool to throw yourself after a man

    YOU are not cool to put yourself down

    YOU are not cool to smoke when you said you don’t want to

    YOU are not cool to run depressing thoughts

    UGH

    I feel frustrated with myself for all this outside attention

    what is up with me… that is triggering this?

    i love myself

    I am feeling good right now, like i’m pouring water

    I am feeling tightened in my bladder right now, and i feel so angry about that

    More focus on ME … more more more.. .thank you Daria

    I do not want to stand by while i neglect myself, like it feels good

    is that what my message is?

    thanks

    and

    how do i do that

    a babystep at a time

    i feel furious!

    yum

    i love my fury



  91.  #91Lucy on May 30, 2010 at 4:18 pm

    I feel annoyed and scared being BLAMED for what happened with Non-Judging Man (“and now of course that didn’t work”).

    I feel suspicious that maybe Daria unconsciously pushed him away with her thoughts in order to prove her theory and judgment about me (‘when i try to help u are too intent on being “different” from other sirens that you won’t practice tools’).

    I feel suspicious that Daria would have been upset if things had worked out with me and Non-Judging Man, because she is so certain in her thoughts that I am doing things “wrong.”

    That feels awful.



  92.  #92Daria on May 30, 2010 at 4:22 pm

    Lucy – there is nothing funny about me wanting you to “write off” a man that is not pursuing you. That is just standard Rori tools.

    Funny it is not. “Funny” feels fake to me. Ok maybe you feel angry because I’m being very direct . Funny is not funny

    Rori’s tools work. USE them. Don’t invest YOUR energy INTO a man. That’s why.

    If what’s his name man was actively pursuing you, then that would be cool to date him… but that WAS NOT what was going on, and thus we are in this situation where now you feel TERRIBLY Brokenhearted,

    though reading Rori’s materials it was clear that this would happen…

    The MAIN tool is DON’t OVERFUNCTION and the Feeling messages.

    I’m glad you were using feeling message’s im sure theres a lesson there for that.

    And yes you WILL have what you WANT. BUt YOU don’t know what you want… which is a wonderful relationship like you wanted with that man.

    you are thinking YOU want a man.. which all the tools are against. it DOESN’T work that way.

    LET GO OF THE MAN

    and RECEIVE LOVE

    RECEIVE LOVE

    ugh who cares you will resist what im saying anyway…!!! I feel so frustrated



  93.  #93Daria on May 30, 2010 at 4:23 pm

    I don’t care. Maybe I did subconsciously push him away. haha. I figured you would think that. oh well.

    Good. because he wasnt stepping up for SHIT

    GET REAL!!!

    GET OUT OF DENIAL WOMAN!!



  94.  #94Daria on May 30, 2010 at 4:31 pm

    I feel intrigued that the way I’m speaking is the way I speak to myself, and attract speakers to me. Like the man from last nite…

    talking about a “dose of reality.”

    That is a very frequent occurence for me, and I resist it.

    One of my voices says NO, I KNOW I am right.

    How did Rori sneak by that voice I don’t know.

    I guess I felt too desperate to resist…. or something just resonated.

    I feel so clumsy and unskilled and I don’t feel satisfied with the way of setting off that resonance in people.

    well fuck it.

    I am ME.

    I LOVE ME.

    I LOVE THAT I FEEL ANGRY about someone else putting themselves in pain.

    I love that I feel judgemental. I love my judgemental self.

    But I don’t want to hurt myself. I don’t want to speak to myself in a way that causes resistance.

    And I don’t yet know how to speak to myself HONESTLY in a way that inspires me.

    Like HONESTLY – of COURSE Im fucking up. of course im broke, of course im backed up into a corner, underusing my talents, relying on my family – how shameful, of course i am associating with people that “elite” of society Dont – fuck that I LIKE That i associate with people from “lower” levels of society… but of course I want to have class too, and of course I need to do this and that in order to be successful

    and yet I want to be loving and nurturing of me

    so how do i do that?

    I HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE AND THAT FEELS FRUSTRATING

    I feel like shaking myself

    DO SOMETHING GIRL

    and then me says

    NO. I WONT I WONT I WONT. IM RIGHT

    but then what I DO DO I DONT LIKE

    and i feel frustrated

    raaaurgh at the world
    .



  95.  #95Daria on May 30, 2010 at 4:32 pm

    I’m feeling really mad at this nonsensical trap cage!!!



  96.  #96Lucy on May 30, 2010 at 4:37 pm

    “ok… thats just a weird feeling thought and you know it”

    What it IS, is INTUITION. I have learned the hard way to ALWAYS listen to my intuition.

    “you have boundaries… there’s no need to sleep with a man when you don’t want to”

    I know my limitations and my vulnerabilities; I know he is very attractive and young and passionate; if I do not want to sleep with him (which I don’t), I KNOW I must not put myself in that place of temptation. THAT is called WISDOM. It is similar to not going to bars if you are an alcoholic and in a vulnerable state.

    “i am thru with listening to Denial and letting it be… it doesn’t feel good to me”

    It doesn’t feel good to me to be judged.

    “I Feel PIST that you are denying that you have been hanging on to that man”

    That is a mirror for YOU. You don’t actually have any knowledge about whether or not that is true for ME.

    “Stop throwing yourself after that man”

    I am not throwing myself after him. That’s just the point. I FEEL FEELINGS but do NOT REACT out of those feelings. If I was going to throw myself after him it would look a lot different than this. Hey, maybe if I HAD thrown myself after him I would HAVE him by now! (Probably true.)

    “STOP doubting your ability to take care of yourself (I will sleep with a man just by meeting him – NO )”

    That decision is me TRUSTING my ability to take care of myself by KNOWING myself and what I need and honoring myself by taking care of ME.

    “Circular DATE. LIKE, let men treat you the way you want that special man to treat you. Then tell them it feels good or bad or whatever.”

    HELLO???? That’s EXACTLY what I have been doing since last August.

    “Go out with another man, LEARN TO ENJOY MALE DATING ATTENTION,,, by Practicing being there”

    Yes yes yes, I have been doing that.

    “GEEZ – I’ve DONE this and I guess for me I had an impetus that I had never allowed a man to treat me well before, so it was fun to allow some, just for kicks, even though it felt weird uninteresting”

    Maybe that’s where the disconnect is — YOU had never allowed a man to treat you well before, but that’s not true of ME and MY journey. I have allowed men to treat me well for a very long time.



  97.  #97Lucy on May 30, 2010 at 4:45 pm

    “we’re supposed to be discussing tools, but most of what i’ve read from you is about a single man, not about your newest application of a tool, or what tool you are using now”

    I *think* my posts about that man stand out for you more than the other men and things I write about do. Plus, especially recently, there has been more going on with him that I have needed to process on here. I don’t usually feel a need to describe every tool that I am using — they are pretty much part of my routine, like brushing my teeth or taking out my contacts, which I don’t write about on here either.

    I don’t have any problem with YOU writing about non-tool related stuff, like your kidneys and teas and google and all.

    “no more suffering or self pain in my face without my saying something”

    Another mirror (and more blame). Where are you causing yourself pain?

    “no i won’t allow anyone to cut themselves and bleed in front of me and smile and keep talking to me like nothing is up”

    More blame and projection/mirror.

    And I am NOT smiling. Oh no I am not smiling.



  98.  #98Daria on May 30, 2010 at 4:45 pm

    Bullshit – you were just considering going to visit this man as his 3some partner – THAT IS NOT TREATING YOU WELL.

    This man was NOT pursuing you, yet you continued to allow him in your life, that is YOU not treating YOURSELF well.

    I feel judgemental of my voice this way and yet i LOVE my voice.

    there are lots of women coming to this site, im sure you’ve seen who say — ohhhh i just htink this is meant to be … intuition… and then allowing men to treat them crappily over that

    intuition is not an excuse for accepting crappy treatment.

    hmm… maybe for me this means… my resistant voice is not an excuse for accepting crappy treatment for myself

    wow nice

    so i shall treat myself well, crappy voice or not? yes ok.

    sounds good.

    that means… bed on time

    i feel so angry!

    i love my anger



  99.  #99Lucy on May 30, 2010 at 4:54 pm

    “I don’t care. Maybe I did subconsciously push him away. haha. I figured you would think that. oh well. Good. because he wasnt stepping up for SHIT”

    You figured I would think that! Ha, it probably IS true then!

    Yeah, so the REASON he “wasn’t stepping up for SHIT” is because YOU didn’t WANT him to. Oh no, that would be AWFUL if Lucy got that man because I, Daria, think she is doing everything wrong and therefore she should NOT get him and does not DESERVE him, and I, Daria, will be SCARED if she gets him because then I will not know what’s what and I will feel CONFUSED — how did Lucy get him???

    “Good,” you say. Wow. A goddess feeling glad that another goddess isn’t getting what she wants.



  100.  #100Lucy on May 30, 2010 at 4:59 pm

    The really sad part, Daria, is that if you DID push him away, you did it based on MISPERCEPTIONS of what I was actually doing with him. Somehow you got it in your head that I am doing things “wrong” with him and you latched onto that belief, and it became important to you that it not work out.

    If you had realized that I was NOT doing what you think I was, you would not have needed to push him away. So it was all for nothing.



  101.  #101mary on May 30, 2010 at 5:08 pm

    ummmmmm…

    Lucy.

    I can totally relate to your wanting the man of your choice. I chose Island Man without even knowing him. Something happened and my heart flipped over for him, and I was out practicing the tools. Religiously.

    The tools are great, but he heart does its own thing.

    What I’m gonna do now is this:

    I’ve already pinpointed the fact that when I make a step in the direction of my career, or like taking the piano lesson, or buying a car, or whatever… when I take a big step, I feel so good about me.

    It has more to do with taking action than having a mindset. I get bogged down in my thoughts.

    Action is better for me.

    So on Friday I scheduled about seven interviews for this week with real estate firms. That’s action! And that forces me to look for a blouse right now that will look good with the jacket I’m gonna wear tomorrow. I can’t think about Island Man now because I need to look for my blouse.

    Action is good.

    And I’m gonna practice thinking about the kind of man I really want. I’ll take a little of Island Man (maybe his way of listening and understanding) and I’ll take a little of R (okay, I’ll take a lot of R) and I’ll put them all together and just think / wish for the man of my dreams.

    And then I’m gonna let the wish go.

    Wherever it will!

    And I’m gonna trust.

    While I’m concentrating on actions.

    That’s my new plan for the week.



  102.  #102Lucy on May 30, 2010 at 5:13 pm

    “Bullshit – you were just considering going to visit this man as his 3some partner – THAT IS NOT TREATING YOU WELL.”

    That is a judgment. It is a judgment on people’s sexuality. People can be treating themselves well and have 3somes if they want to.

    The key word here is CONSIDERING going. CONSIDERING whether or not *I* WANT to have a 3some with them. It would physically feel AMAZING to have a 3some. Therefore I have been CONSIDERING it, checking out my FEELINGS around it, DECIDING whether it is something I DO want or DON’T WANT. I am USING TOOLS — following my feelings and checking my boundaries. That’s how I got to the conclusion that I wrote earlier and expressed with feeling message and don’t wants: “With this particular scenario I would probably feel an icky “left out” feeling. I don’t want to feel like that.”

    CONSIDERING new things is part of being open.

    If I had FELT like I wanted to have that experience with them and FELT like I would FEEL emotionally GOOD doing so, I could have gone and had fun and it WOULD have been TREATING ME WELL.

    There are TONS of things you write that you are doing that for ME would NO WAY be treating myself well (e.g., drunk driving, sex with more men), but I don’t JUDGE what is good for YOU.



  103.  #103mary on May 30, 2010 at 5:14 pm

    Daria,

    I feel good hearing your process.

    You don’t have to respond to people that you don’t want to respond to, even if they say, “Call me.”

    I feel good hearing about how uncomfortable you feel right now. It means you’re on the cusp of some kind of exciting change. Who knows what it’ll be? But things are not fitting where you are. And you’re feeling that, big time!

    I say wow. If only we could all have the courage to feel our feelings like you do! More of us would make dramatic changes in our lives! For the better.

    I hope I know you in a few years and we can look back on this time. Why don’t you borrow from the future a bit? And imagine yourself in a place that feels comfortable, and friendly, and where your social needs are being met, and your intellectual equal is sitting right beside you, and you guys can fast-forward through conversations like the wind blowing through trees.

    It all seems very good to me…

    … from here.



  104.  #104mary on May 30, 2010 at 5:22 pm

    I had a curious revelation last night.

    Man in the Woods enjoyed my supper. I knew he would. He’s totally smitten by me and would love it if I cooked him a hot dog.

    He looked great! He smelled heavenly. He smiled and talked and he’s probably the most handsome man I’ve ever gone out with. (Well, okay. German man was pretty handsome!) But he looked amazing. He has a metrosexual look – he wears these three bracelets – and they look great on him. And he can DANCE. Wow, can he ever dance. And he took me dancing.

    And then we came back to my place and sat in the parking lot until I finally asked if he’d like to come up.

    We sat on the couch.

    And even though I’m physically very attracted to him, even though he’s outstandingly handsome, even though he was stepping up in every way… I couldn’t get in to kissing him. I tried! But I couldn’t make myself be into it. Or into him.

    Why??????

    Because I know he’s not the one for me. How do I know?

    Because I feel upset when he wants to kiss me. I feel reserved when I’m around him. I feel red flags when he talks too much. I don’t like a lot of the things he says – they seem immature.

    It’s not that I don’t want to lead him on. If I’m practicing the tools, I’m not worrying about that.

    It’s not that I don’t want to have some fun now! I’m all into fun!

    It’s just that being true to myself and knowing that my goal is the One Partner for the rest of my life, and knowing that he isn’t that person, makes me not want to kiss him.

    And here’s the revelation:

    That’s probably what was stopping R.

    Not that he was commitment phobic.
    Not that he was a former sex addict.
    Not that he had relationship problems.
    Not that he was a toxic man and would never be able to have a relationship with anyone.

    Maybe HE JUST KNEW that I wasn’t the one for him.

    And that’s okay.

    YES!

    Thank you!



  105.  #105Lucy on May 30, 2010 at 5:27 pm

    “This man was NOT pursuing you, yet you continued to allow him in your life, that is YOU not treating YOURSELF well.”

    Actually, he was pursuing me. Very much so.

    OF COURSE I continued to allow him in my life!!! He was (and is) a GIFT.

    There were many times I considered removing him from my life out of FEAR, mostly fear of getting too attached. Fear is NOT a good basis for making choices. Reacting to fear would be NOT TREATING MYSELF WELL. Allowing a man to continue being in my life in spite of my fear has been a very GOOD thing for me to do for myself.

    He has ALWAYS been very good to me. He has been kind and compassionate and tender and taught me so much. He has never judged me for anything; never put me down; always built me up.

    That’s part of why when Dorothea wrote about pouring our drinks on him, I made an alternate suggestion to just get someone else for the girl — I don’t want to pour drinks on him or punish him because he did NOT do anything wrong. I don’t even feel angry at him. Yes, I am angry at the SITUATION, VERY angry. But not at HIM. He has not behaved badly at all.

    Loving him and receiving his love = treating myself well



  106.  #106Lucy on May 30, 2010 at 5:29 pm

    “intuition is not an excuse for accepting crappy treatment”

    1. I didn’t say anything about intuition in the case of Non-Judging Man.

    2. As I said above, he did not treat me crappily.



  107.  #107mary on May 30, 2010 at 5:31 pm

    This not leaning forward is a huge problem.

    It isn’t fair.

    Guys get to lean forward, and it’s a human tendency to go after what you want.

    Girls are supposed to wait and take from the pool of choices that others have decided.

    I would rather be the one perusing Plenty of Fish at odd hours of the night, creating cute little emails and flirting online with 30 girls at once – setting my traps and then checking them twice.

    Instead, I put myself out there and have to wade through 30 guys that I did not choose, and figure out how to gracefully let them down if they don’t suit my fancy.

    It doesn’t seem fair at all.

    BUT…

    There are advantages!

    1. There is less rejection, for one. At least we know the guy is interested, or he wouldn’t be emailing.

    2. We don’t have to have the competitive edge. If they’re calling us, they’re choosing us! All we have to do is present ourselves as our best selves.

    3. We don’t have to show off. We don’t have to prove ourselves. We don’t have to compete with all the other men who are vying for our attention.

    4. We don’t have to make plans. What an exhausting thing that can be!

    5. I’m sure there are others!

    BUT…

    It’s so difficult to wait!

    It’s so difficult to lean back!

    It’s so difficult to TRUST that someone will come around – that we’re attracted to – and want to stay with us.

    It’s so difficult that we need the help of other sirens to simply cope.

    I’m thankful for Siren Island.

    I’m thankful that tomorrow I’ll be taking actions for myself and I’ll be thinking of Island Man, but I’ll basically be using his image to add to the image of the right guy for me, and I’ll be trusting that that right guy will come around the corner and claim me.



  108.  #108Lucy on May 30, 2010 at 5:33 pm

    Mary, thank you SO much for saying this:

    “Something happened and my heart flipped over for him, and I was out practicing the tools. Religiously.
    The tools are great, but the heart does its own thing.”

    That’s it, exactly.



  109.  #109Lucy on May 30, 2010 at 5:36 pm

    Mary, I hear ya about Island Man! I have practically fallen for Island Man myself, just based on your descriptions!! Honestly!

    I feel glad that you are finding ways to manage your thoughts and feelings around him and the other guys.



  110.  #110mary on May 30, 2010 at 5:37 pm

    Yeah, Lucy.

    How did that happen?

    I tried to dissect it, and I actually have it down in a few things that Island Man said…

    oh! and this is scary.

    I’ll go get it, if you’re interested.

    Be right back.



  111.  #111mary on May 30, 2010 at 5:45 pm

    He said these things in different emails:

    “I like the sound of my name when you write it like that.”

    “That music – lights off. Candles. Wine. Trees swaying in the wind. Let’s try that sometime.”

    “music is turned off, I have my guitar in my lap, the window open and a loud frog chorus from the lake.”

    “I’m about to go out there and do something useful for someone but have been soaking up the beauty of this morning.”

    “I have a large bunch of balsam poplar branches in a vase and the frog chorus has diminished for the daylight hours but last night both were making me quite high.”

    “are you sure you don’t want to take me to Bellingham?

    “you could tell everyone that I’m your driver and I’d carry your bags in.”

    “I love it when you keep me up late but I have to sleep now. happy adventures tomorrow”

    “Hope your day is sweet like you.”

    Stuff like that.

    Isn’t it silly that I went for that stuff?

    I’m a little embarrassed that I did.

    It’s not really that. It’s being with him in person and feeling his essence.

    I resonate with his essence.

    And it seemed like he did with mine.

    But who knows? Maybe not!



  112.  #112Lucy on May 30, 2010 at 5:46 pm

    Yes, Mary, I feel interested! Right now my kids and my son’s gf want me to play cards with them, but I will be back later.

    Yeah, it just takes a few little key things, doesn’t it?

    With Non-Judging Man, they were a few little key things that are very RARE in both men AND women (for example, the total non-judging-ness!) — and those rare qualities just make you so attracted to the one who has them . . . because they are so rare and wonderful! Feels like that first huge gulp of air after you’ve been swimming under water a bit too long!



  113.  #113mary on May 30, 2010 at 5:47 pm

    He isn’t emailing.

    He isn’t calling.

    Is he waiting for me? Does he think it’s my turn? I’m tempted to think that.

    But I’m just gonna keep waiting.

    Like a good little girl.



  114.  #114mary on May 30, 2010 at 5:49 pm

    No, I take that back.

    I’m not gonna keep waiting!

    In fact, I’m going to dinner in about an hour with Music Man!

    And I’m getting ready to get in touch with all those other guys and say yes to another coffee date, but the idea really exhausts me.

    Because I know it’ll be like last night with Man in the Woods. Wondering what’s wrong with me? Here’s a man who is RIGHT BEFORE ME. WANTING ME. What’s wrong with me that I can’t get into him? When he’s handsome as can be? When I’m definitely attracted to him?

    Yeah.

    No waiting for Mary.



  115.  #115Lucy on May 30, 2010 at 5:49 pm

    “I resonate with his essence.”

    Definitely a lot to be said for resonating with a man’s essence. 🙂 It’s palpable, isn’t it?



  116.  #116mary on May 30, 2010 at 5:50 pm

    I’m gonna be practicing looking for the amazing things about each man.

    And looking deep into his soul and wondering who he is.

    Once R was looking at me in the car, very intently, and I said, “What are you looking at? my earrings?”

    And he said, “I’m looking at your spirit.”

    I’m gonna look at each man’s spirit.



  117.  #117mary on May 30, 2010 at 5:52 pm

    and feel thankful for this time of being single, when I do have some choices! and i can be out with different men! and feel their different personalities and the ways they do things…

    i don’t think i’m gonna be single forever.

    i can just feel it.



  118.  #118mary on May 30, 2010 at 5:55 pm

    i am the envy of many women who are married!

    and many of my women friends who are not so adventurous! they’re scared of the dark riders.

    (and so am I! – you see how I’ve been sneaking from tree to tree, heart racing and feet flying…)

    my desire for adventure propels me forward!

    so i must take the dark riders wherever they show up and welcome them and say thank you! i’m still on my way! and you’re the reasons it’s such an exciting adventure!



  119.  #119mary on May 30, 2010 at 5:56 pm

    oh good!

    i’m back in my adventure mode!

    talk to you guys later…



  120.  #120mary on May 30, 2010 at 5:59 pm

    Lucy, those rare qualities are just one little picture in a huge album of gorgeous scenes. Rivers and valleys and mountains and oceans and streams and deserts and exotic birds and beautiful sirens.

    And every man has rare qualities! That might appeal to somebody.

    Yes. I’m gonna try to date non-exclusively (in my mind).

    I’m making this commitment to myself:

    “I will not wrap my life around any man. I will stay on my horse. And I will further myself in some way and stay in the spirit of adventure.”



  121.  #121Jennifer on May 30, 2010 at 6:02 pm

    ugg
    I am on Eharmony. They had a free 10 day communication thing. I finally started seeing some quality men. Now I can’t communicate for free anymore. Grrr.
    I want to sign up but I have to wait for my credit card payment to clear. I missed a payment last year and now everytime I turn around the friggin thing is maxxed due to the intrest rates. Yuck.
    Any way I think I’m gonna just get one month.
    I also sent ,essages to the two guys I am communicating with giving them my email address.
    Now I can lean back and wait.
    I have to sign up soon though….I can’t see any of the pics of guys I am communicating with.
    Its kinda scary (they could have three eyes LOL) but kind of freeing too. I have to focus on thier words.
    Kinda cool experience.



  122.  #122Lucy on May 30, 2010 at 6:02 pm

    “so i must take the dark riders wherever they show up and welcome them and say thank you! i’m still on my way! and you’re the reasons it’s such an exciting adventure!”

    love this!



  123.  #123Lucy on May 30, 2010 at 6:11 pm

    Jennifer, I did that with eharmony too — free weekend, no pictures to see, yay I can focus on the words…

    I hope it turns out better for you than it did for me!

    That led to my first date since my marriage ended.

    A few hours before we met, I decided to ask him to send me a pic (after we had already made plans to meet). When I saw his pic I was kinda scared I wouldn’t feel attracted at all (and maybe kinda repelled), but I decided to be open.

    Well, I got lost and couldn’t call him cuz he didn’t have a cell phone and when I finally located him he was MAD that I was late! He thought I had stood him up. He chewed me out for about ten minutes!!!

    Totally turned me off and I left after a few more minutes of him trying to have a normal convo after his tirade.

    (And he was physically very unattractive to me as well.)

    That was my initiation into 21st century dating.



  124.  #124Jennifer on May 30, 2010 at 6:23 pm

    Oh Geeze Lucy.
    That sucks. Did you eventually tell him to take a hike?
    I’m on POF now…but there seems to be a better quality of men on eharmony. I know that sounds judgemental and maybe it’s just that they seem better to me cause of the more comprehensive matching process.
    Anyway. The other project I need to get on to is my pics. Money friend said she’d take some new ones for me. She hates mine apparently. Ah well. At least I won’t have to hire a photographer.
    Good times.



  125.  #125Jeannette on May 30, 2010 at 7:09 pm

    Okay, so I saw an old boyfriend tonight after 37 years,,,,whoaaaaa! Then I am also seeing a new guy. Both good guys. The old friend has played in a lot of bands over the years and his face shows it. Looking older, but , you know I can still feel it for him, amazing after all this time. Then the new guy is the one who has a disability, but very loving and a great communicator. More preppy then the old boyfriend who is from the hills of KY. I just have to figure out what’s next!!



  126.  #126mary on May 30, 2010 at 7:37 pm

    hi Jeannette,

    i’m getting ready to be seeing an Old Flame too. he used to be handsome but the trials and tribulations of his life are also on his face. i saw him once and wasn’t sure how i felt because of his marital status. i just do not get attracted to married men. they’re taboo and somehow the feeling isn’t there for me. he’s going through a divorce now so we’re talking. it’s sounding very positive!

    i feel just a little bit of internal pressure when i think about him, like i SHOULD just marry him immediately, or something. it doesn’t seem like he should be just another guy in my dating pool. it would feel weird to think of him so casually.

    but i must!

    mustn’t i?

    and mustn’t you?

    just date and see?

    stay with the feelings and they will let us know?

    there’s some wisdom there, i think!

    i’ll be interested to follow your story…



  127.  #127Jeannette on May 30, 2010 at 7:41 pm

    I agree Mary, even though Steve said today, ‘gosh, this is like a fairy tale……’ I still have to decide if he is what I want. I mean its been years and my whole life is changed. Yet, I am NOT going to let the lines on his face cause me to decide it will be what is happening in my heart. Please let me know how things go for you too!



  128.  #128Jeannette on May 30, 2010 at 7:54 pm

    Girls, remind me again, how long is a decent amount of time to wait for a guy to talk about marriage after you begin dating?



  129.  #129Daria on May 30, 2010 at 8:09 pm

    I feel angry to be blamed that I am the reason this man who has not been pursuing you – has never stepped up to come see you – is now involved with another woman.

    Anyone with working knowledge of Rori’s tools could see it coming that a man that is NOT showing up at your doorstep and that a woman continually is focusing on is NOT going to turn from an imaginary relationship real.

    Turning an imaginary relationship real only happens when one takes her focus off the man and onto herself – Truly.

    I felt happy because a man that was serving as a crutch and an imaginary relationship has come into CLEARER view. Not because you didn’t get what you wanted.

    Potentially if you focus on yourself and move your energy away from the man, he may energetically come around, though my guess would be that a new and better man would come around.



  130.  #130Daria on May 30, 2010 at 8:14 pm

    Mary – I bet you can feel your feelings just as well as I can…

    try the Follow your feelings in your body exercises in power and self esteem section… and the Heart Connection Toolkit Body dialogues

    As far as the heart becoming involved while dating… well that is part of the point… to notice who we feel attracted to and when – is it a man that’s good for us ?

    sometimes not (for me) – the toxic men program has a big part on this.

    often a man that neglects us feels more attractive because of our old patterns.

    sometimes we get into a man because of Who he is … rather than because how we feel about ourselves in his presence

    – this can be changed! this is what i’m practicing on changing, and yes its working… im getting better and better men, and better treatment

    also to the musings about who might be the one – I would say “Be surprised”

    let the man COURT you to become the one. he will prove it… many times



  131.  #131Daria on May 30, 2010 at 8:19 pm

    I miss AG here!

    I have addiction to helping… and controlling I think. ack. I get so triggered by it . umf.

    I love my triggers… I feel so tingly like im made of tight ropes that are quivering!

    I feel angry!!!

    I love my anger. I feel afraid and bad. I love my fear! I love my bad feelings!

    I love the tightness in my jaw… and that feels like a breath an expansion in my ribs i love my breath and my rib expansion and that feels like mmmmm mand smiling and i love my mmmm and smile and that feels like a release nad tightness in my thigh and i love my release and my tighteness in my thigh and that feels like smile and closed fluttering eyes and more tightness in my thigh and i love that tightness in my thigh…

    and that feels like a twinge in my bladder and i love the twinge in my bladderr

    i feel angry reading about my mentioning my uva ursi tea… mmmm i love my anger… i feel defensive… i love my defensiveness….

    i am still remembering looking at the muay thai and jiujitsu classes by here

    Jennifer that class youw ere talking was it jiujitsu or judo?



  132.  #132Daria on May 30, 2010 at 8:22 pm

    I feel weird and angry too because I rmemeber someone way long ago saying this blog was a bunch of women who were complaining and wallowing in their misery and i said no way this is a siren place i mean im there… and theyr’e like well not you, and im like welll i love it… and then i felt scared cuz i didnt want the blog hexed and now im like ack it Does feel draining like that and i feel guilty like

    is it me? have i lost my touch for message looking?

    id like to look for the message more consistently…

    i’ve gotten sucked into past patterns

    and i love my sucked in feeling… and that feels like… hmmmf like tingling in my mouth and i love the tingling in my mouth and that feels like yawning and i love my yawn

    and that feels like anger and tingling in my shoulder and i love the anger and tingling in my shoulder… and that feels like more yawning and i love my yawn



  133.  #133Lucy on May 30, 2010 at 8:38 pm

    “Did you eventually tell him to take a hike?”

    That’s funny, cuz the date was supposed to be a hike!

    I got there half an hour late, at 10 am, after getting lost.

    He says, “You’re an HOUR late!”

    I said, “No, half hour, we were meeting at 9:30.”

    He says, “Well, I got here at 9, so I’ve been waiting for a whole HOUR!!!”

    HUH???? Isn’t it HIS problem that he got there half an hour early???

    I was so happy that I finally found the place, and greeted him with a warm smile, but he didn’t even smile at me! Just jumped right into his rant!

    Then he said it was too late to hike, it would be too hot and buggy now!! So he just wanted to sit on the tailgate and chat. I sat on the tailgate, and, still stunned by his behavior, gave a valiant effort at “chatting” for about 7 minutes, and then told him I was just feeling too awful with the way things went, and was ready to leave. He begged me not to, but I did.

    If it hadn’t been my very first date after my marriage, I might have been able to recover a bit more and stick it out to see if he would redeem himself. But as my first date it was too much. We emailed quite a bit about it afterward, and he really felt that I was the one that hurt HIM by leaving! He tried to make me feel guilty and bad and was messing with my head.

    A few days after that hiking “date,” Non-Judging Man (aka TN man), showed up out of nowhere and friend-requested me on facebook. After some shameless fb flirting, our friendship began with me asking for his input about the stuff Hike Man was dishing out in his emails. So Non-Judging Man helped me get my bearings about dating, and it segued right into spiritual stuff as it related to me and my dating issues.

    At that point, I didn’t expect to fall for him, or even ever meet him, so he became a wonderful friend and confidant who supported me through my early circular dating. I was utterly attracted to him, though, so I teased and rockstar flirted with him since there was nothing to lose because I thought it was just gonna be an internet friendship. At that point I didn’t care if he was attracted to me or not, it was just fun.

    But he quickly became very attracted — he loved the rockstar diva vibe and threw out his own male rockstar vibe in return, which of course escalated my attraction for him. Before I knew it, our friendship had progressed to a deep level, and he was chasing me and gushing over me and talking about meeting.

    But as soon as he started talking about meeting, I lost my rockstar vibe and started wanting him for reals. That’s when it got tricky and I started checking and rechecking every move to make sure I was doing the Tools to the best of my ability.

    And the rest is history . . . sad, sad history.



  134.  #134Lucy on May 30, 2010 at 8:51 pm

    “a man that was serving as a crutch”

    There was no crutchness in it at all — he was a FRIEND. A friend that I LIKED having as a friend. Yes, I ended up wanting MORE than friendship, but the tricky part was that I TRULY VALUED him as a friend, and was not willing to give up such a marvelous friendship just because he wasn’t “stepping up to meet me.”



  135.  #135Lucy on May 30, 2010 at 8:52 pm

    I feel annoyed at the perception, “a man that was serving as a crutch.” WTF???



  136.  #136Siena on May 30, 2010 at 9:00 pm

    Hi ladies!

    I have some good news that I want to share regarding using Rori’s tools. As you know, I’ve been CDing religiously, leaning back and looking for messages and mirrors for months.

    Now… I don’t know what the future holds, and I’m not predicting anything, but for now, I’m feeling really good about the tools and the place that using them has brought me in my love life.

    One of my CDs has stepped up to the plate big time and is consistently coming around and treating me better than I’ve ever been treated before… and it’s because of the tools!

    For starters, he’s not someone I would have ever gone out with before. I wasn’t immediately attracted to him, although he’s a handsome, successful guy – he’s not my “type”. But because I am CDing, I’ve been out with him several times, and he has surprised me with how good a man he is and how well he treats me… things I wouldn’t have experienced if I had not given him a chance.

    And our communication is through the roof awesome – because of me! (haha, I say that with all humility!)

    Recently I was on a scripting teleclass call with Rori and the question came up about how to bring up the whole “Who pays” subject. Using Rori’s script, I brought it up yesterday, he responded like a pro, totally put my heart at ease, and it prompted a larger discussion about “roles” within the relationship and expectations. That conversation brought us closer.

    He invited me to go with him on a trip in 2 months, and is already bringing up the future. Not in a “I’m moving too fast because I’m insecure way,” but in a “wow, we are establishing a really strong foundation and it’s great” way.

    And through this all, I’m not at all anxious or nervous or wondering what’s happening etc etc etc. I still feel afraid of intimacy (that’s something that’s gonna take a while to heal), but I’m able to talk to him about things as they come up in a way that brings us closer. And it’s awesome! And it makes the intimacy deal less and less scary.

    One more example before this becomes a novel… He is a Christian who has a slightly different belief in a religious practice than I do (as it relates to children). He was pretty adamant about it when he brought it up, and I felt my heart rise to my throat because my belief is somewhat different and my belief is really important to me (I didn’t even realize I was so passionate about it until he brought it up).

    Rather than say nothing, I told him how I was feeling about it – we talked about it – and although it will probably be an ongoing conversation, I felt heard and he did too. Something that could have created an argument before was instead turned into a way we could talk about really deep heart things that mean a lot to each of us as individuals.

    I guess I’m saying that these tools really really work. I’ve spent my time with him expressing my feelings, and in return I’m receiving flowers, great dates, and consistent attention instead of distance and anger.

    I never would have believed it if I didn’t experience it!

    Thank you Rori and all you wonderful Sirens!



  137.  #137Lucy on May 30, 2010 at 9:03 pm

    “Potentially if you focus on yourself and move your energy away from the man, he may energetically come around, though my guess would be that a new and better man would come around.”

    I feel good reading that.

    “I feel angry to be blamed that I am the reason…”

    Ummm, you said it yourself, “Maybe I did subconsciously push him away.”

    I have felt you doing that for a long time now. I FELT how important it was to you that he not step up. It was almost like I could hear you whispering, “Stay away, don’t step up, you have to show her she is wrong.”

    I do not feel angry at you for it, because I understand that it would have felt horrible to you if he had — it would have really shaken you, and maybe you weren’t ready for that. I feel compassion for you.



  138.  #138Lucy on May 30, 2010 at 9:05 pm

    Oh, Siena, that’s awesome! I feel really happy for you!



  139.  #139Lucy on May 30, 2010 at 9:17 pm

    I would love to read something by Rori about how to transition effectively into “Leaning Back Siren” when a connection starts out as “Rockstar.”

    That would feel helpful to me.



  140.  #140Tina on May 30, 2010 at 9:31 pm

    He called me around 11pm, I was in bed. I havnt called him back. While I was eating dinner alone, I remembered “if he isnt right in front of you he doesnt exist” I smiled, Yeah he doesnt exist for me right now. I didnt feel bad when he left 🙂 I feel great, I love my space, I love my silence, I love the sound of my perculator 🙂 I love my tummy, my tummy was feeling out of sync with him around. I felt bloated blah! We came home late last night and during the drive home, he said “a good marriage is not dreading coming home”. Thats when it all started, ugh! we started talking about what a good marriage meant, of course it all went down hill after that. Today there was some tension I said I need my space he left, I feel ok now. Why do I do this, first define good marriage , get in a debate , argue till he gets mad at me, and tells me to drop it, I feel shut down he goes home or stays until the debate is over depending on if he gets mad or I feel shut down, I’m alone and feel ok with my coffee maker. Yesterday was a good day , we flirted, we laughed, talked, flirted some more, I gave him a bj in the parking lot at the shopping mall hehe, we parked far enough away that we coudnt be seen, me bad.



  141.  #141Simply Shannon on May 30, 2010 at 9:49 pm

    Lucy, I feel curious what you are saying to him. Have you had a conversation with him about this? What feelings have you shared with him? I’d love to hear about that.



  142.  #142Tina on May 30, 2010 at 9:59 pm

    He left a message, he sounded sad. Before he left he asked me or questioned me, your ok with me just getting up and leaving like this? I said, yes, I am. I thought he would slam the door but he didnt. I certainly wasnt going to chase him and beg him to stay, why would I , I value my space 🙂 . We sat around the campfire late last night, that convo we had around the fire was good 🙂 we laughed so hard anyway, for me theh two hours sitting looking at each other today drove me crazy, like we were squared off, he had giving me an “instruction’ i wasnt feeling all that great about, so I questioned him blah! tolerate nothing! haha yeah. He asked me how I was feeling, I told him how I was feeling in FEELING messages, he didnt like my answer , OH FKEN WELL! to bad, this is how I was feeling, how can he fight that? hehe fck it! He said “do you really think Im that shallow” or stupid what? of course there is more to what a good marriage, I said ok well I was just asking, then he says I dont understand your thinking but you really do think Im that stupid because your asking me. I said, I dont want to feel like , I am nothing more than just not dreading coming home too. I dont feel like that is a good enough reason for me to accept a marriage, fck! what the hell!



  143.  #143Daria on May 30, 2010 at 10:13 pm

    um Lucy no it would not have felt horrible or shaken or not be able handle if the man had stepped up

    i feel really weirded out reading that

    I feel like im being dragged way too deep into this in a creepy way

    this is a tangential situation to me and all my thinking – not that i spent much focus on this – would not prevent a man from stepping up

    im not that invested, except to the extent that it makes me feel bad to see a woman throw herself and her mind at a man and knowing that – according to Rori whose blog we are on – that will push a man away and lead to her feeling bad

    ew. i feel gross being thought of that way

    i feel really pist off being assumed about that and defensive

    rockstar and lean back siren are equal btw



  144.  #144Daria on May 30, 2010 at 10:14 pm

    wtf i feel mad. i feel like attacking. haha i also feel amused. hmm hi defense.

    i dont like it being talked about me like im mentally insane thank you very much



  145.  #145Daria on May 30, 2010 at 10:23 pm

    to me it seems like the underlying current is this:

    clearly it was strictly following the tools that led to his attraction waning!

    never mind that they’re working for others, for you Lucy they clearly don’t work

    Lucy you MUST stop using the tools ASAP and do something else, rockstarish, like go over there and punch interloper girl and then see what happens!”

    HAha that might actually work if done rockstarily haha

    didn’t work for me – (drat) but it might work for you since Rori’s tools are totally backfiring

    PS

    i woudl feel horribly shaken to pieces if that would work. i don’t think i would recover very easily, so please go easy on me at that time as i pick up the pieces of my emotional stability and try to make sense of the world after sucha strong nervous breakdown and shock!



  146.  #146Daria on May 30, 2010 at 10:25 pm

    fingers crossed unhex!

    one time i made fun of a girl pretending i was pregnant by the guy she was (who was in love with me) and dammit it turned out i WAS out of nowhere

    i dont want that… just an experiment here



  147.  #147Ankita on May 30, 2010 at 10:32 pm

    Lucy

    He he… Yup.. that’s his actual email id… I didn’t edit it…. :D… 😀 😛

    Just imagine, he has just seen my pic and knows I am the one… Uhhh…. That definitely makes him the one, I would never like to have…!!

    Just like Shannon, I too would like to know what you are saying to him… Would love to hear that…..



  148.  #148Tina on May 30, 2010 at 10:35 pm

    Daria, who is interloper girl? I’d punch her in the face too, lol just kidding. I have never punched a girl in the face over a guy EVER! I feel like it sometime though.



  149.  #149Tina on May 30, 2010 at 10:40 pm

    I have sortof an “interloper girl”, she asked truckman to bring me to the ceremony, I told him I wouldnt go because I dont feel like being dragged into her shit. She texted him like 50 times , he has since told her to back off and stop texting him and then he blocked her on facebook, this was a while back. I dont feel like being her friend. Why does interloper girl want to be my friend fck! I will go some day to practice my tools 🙂 just not now.



  150.  #150Lucy on May 30, 2010 at 11:05 pm

    Shannon and Ankita, it feels kinda good to be asked that.

    We were texting about it while my daughter was in the hospital. Here are some excerpts:

    him: I think I might have a girlfriend. Still not sure, but maybe. 🙂

    me: Oooh, I feel jealous! But also happy for you.

    him: We have only been dating in person a week. We wrote for two weeks before that though. I think she might be open to sharing btw. 🙂

    me: What??!! I feel so confused! You are so funny.

    him: Maybe you could play with us sometime if she liked you.

    [that one felt yucky, but I didn’t express that feeling to him. I wanted to process it on my own.]

    me: Has she done that before? [I already knew that he had not.]

    him: Yes, she is bi.

    me: I don’t know what to think now! Lol.

    [Yeah, I know, should have been asking myself what I FEEL, not think.]

    him: Lol. If she liked you, we could enjoy you together.

    [I didn’t respond right away, was busy with daughter. After a little while, he texted again:]

    him: We can just hang out, the three of us. No pressure no expectations.

    me: Wouldn’t it also depend on Me liking Her? 😀

    him: Oh yes, of course. 🙂

    A few messages later he told me that he was getting ready to go with her to the Hamptons where her friends were meeting them.

    me: The Hamptons! I feel jealous that you are having so much more fun than I am!

    Obviously that was a very difficult convo to have because the topic was so unexpected (plus I was in the hospital with my d), but I did the best I could. Internally, I was processing each new powerful feeling at lightning speed — felt very strong on the inside and semi-soft on the outside. My biggest objective at that point was to avoid BLAMING him or making him responsible for my emotions — taking full responsibility for managing them myself.



  151.  #151Lucy on May 30, 2010 at 11:17 pm

    Daria,

    I feel weirded out and creeped out about you feeling weirded out and creeped out. Ew.

    I feel surprised that you feel DRAGGED into this. To me, it feels like you walked willingly into my space and started throwing around judgments. I did not invite you to judge me. But if you walk into my space and judge me, I am going to respond to that.

    I feel exasperated reading you write that I “threw myself at him.”

    About “rockstar and lean back siren are equal btw” — I was referring to the difference in the BEHAVIORS.



  152.  #152Rori Raye on May 30, 2010 at 11:17 pm

    Yeayyyyyy Sienna!! Love, Rori



  153.  #153Rori Raye on May 30, 2010 at 11:20 pm

    Go Jennifer!!Love, Rori



  154.  #154Lucy on May 30, 2010 at 11:28 pm

    THIS (the following) is the kind of stuff that I feel really perplexed about . . . I feel totally misunderstood, because what is described here is NOT what I am thinking/feeling at ALL . . . it seems to be projection or something . . . and the fact that this is where YOUR mind goes is a lot of what makes me think that you feel afraid:

    “to me it seems like the underlying current is this:
    clearly it was strictly following the tools that led to his attraction waning! never mind that they’re working for others, for you Lucy they clearly don’t work. Lucy you MUST stop using the tools ASAP and do something else, rockstarish, like go over there and punch interloper girl and then see what happens!
    didn’t work for me – (drat) but it might work for you since Rori’s tools are totally backfiring.”

    I just feel mystified by those statements because (as I have said over and over) I AM using the tools; I do NOT believe that the tools caused his attraction to wane; I BELIEVE the tools work for me; I do NOT plan to stop using the tools; I CONTINUE to use the tools; I have NO plans to do anything rockstarish at this point.

    It feels SO WEIRD to read that! I feel so perplexed.



  155.  #155mary on May 31, 2010 at 12:06 am

    I went out with Music Man tonight.

    He was soooo interesting. The time flew by. And he asked me about me. For some reason I stepped out of my normal reserve and wanted to really talk.

    It was so great because I didn’t think once of Island Man. Or R. Or Old Flame.

    I was in the moment.

    And he kissed me.

    And I liked it…

    Mmmmmmm.

    Mary! Wow…



  156.  #156Laughing goddess on May 31, 2010 at 12:21 am

    Nice Mary!!!

    “It was so great because I didn’t think once of Island Man. Or R. Or Old Flame.”

    Ahhhh, that’s the beauty of circular dating!



  157.  #157Daria on May 31, 2010 at 12:23 am

    Yay Mary !



  158.  #158mary on May 31, 2010 at 12:25 am

    Awwwwww, I love you guys!



  159.  #159Daria on May 31, 2010 at 12:38 am

    Ankita – even though this in particular feels creepy and i feel mistrustful reading this…

    remember that you are a Goddess… and it’s actually GOOD and that a man would worship you right away. So I would practice RECEIVING this. Like OF COURSE he would think that. The weird feeling vibe though, I would not ignore that either.

    My point is it’s a GOOD thing when a man adores us, even if it’s right away and we are not used to it being normal that a guy is “so into us”… I would practice saying yes with my heart so that i can receive More adoration… and say no to what doesn’t feel good… the mistrust



  160.  #160mary on May 31, 2010 at 12:53 am

    I think that tonight I felt shades of rockstar diva in that, on the way home, as my thoughts returned to Island Man, I mused that his style of relating was really remote, and that I might prefer a man with a more pragmatic style.

    Except that that’s what I’ve always been attracted to. I was hoping for something different with Island Man.

    But, to continue with my rockstar diva thoughts, I reasoned that his way of relating, being very remote, was teasing me, toying with me and it was possibly a way for him to keep the power.

    It was so teasing and toying that by the time he’d finally call or email, I’d be climbing up the walls, scratching fingernails as I went.

    Remember?

    I was full of anxious, self-doubting thoughts.

    And most of that happened because of the intermittent attention, the lack of security about when he’d email again and the lack of planning that would give me the delicious prospect of really seeing him again.

    I think I need more consistent attention!

    I like more security!

    And I like plans to see each other!

    Island Man is doing none of these things. He is actually managing down my expectations rather than helping me to have expectations. Instead of building trust, he’s creating insecurity.

    I’m not sure I feel so great around Island Man.

    He’s hard to read, too!

    Tonight Music Man told me he’d been thinking about me. Couldn’t wait to see me again! Wanted to get to know me better. Etc., etc. And he kept looking me over, from head to toe, and raising his eyebrows and smiling.

    I liked that.

    He was easy to read.

    Yes.

    I felt good tonight.



  161.  #161mary on May 31, 2010 at 12:55 am

    And Man in the Woods wrote a poem for me.



  162.  #162mary on May 31, 2010 at 12:56 am

    And Old Flame is two-stepping around me… waiting for the day when he can come for a visit.



  163.  #163mary on May 31, 2010 at 12:59 am

    Yes, Rori! I’m in again. Count me in on Circular Dating!
    This is helping.

    Oh! without you guys! I would maybe have contacted Island Man by now! And I would have felt awful about that.

    I’m so glad I haven’t contacted him.

    And I’m so glad I haven’t been in contact with R. (even though I was worried and I did try… ooooooh! what if he’s living with a woman? I’d hate it if I called him and he was with someone! and he probably is…)

    This is working!

    Yes.

    Thank you!



  164.  #164Ankita on May 31, 2010 at 1:25 am

    Daria

    I agree with you… But the thing is that, this man seems like obsessed, and am not particularly into him.. at all….

    So am a bit skeptical…

    I know it would be a good chance to use tools and all that, but his letter scares me, esp. the blood part… Rori says that look for message in a man… But with this particular guy, am afraid I will get stuck.. Coz am not into him now, nor he is the kind who will ever interest me… I don’t even like anything about his looks, which perhaps is a thing Rori mentioned in “Targeting Mr. Right..”..(I heard that.. I don’t have the program..!!)

    I feel confused..!!! I wanna practice tools, but am afraid, with him.. He scared me…



  165.  #165Ankita on May 31, 2010 at 1:25 am

    Thought of You

    I thought of you
    In brilliant shades of blue
    And an unhappy romance
    Breaking apart the two
    Of us as you behave
    In a long annoying rave
    And the night lights in trance
    The separate paths we pave
    And the thought of you
    As you take back every little whisper
    Into my ear you bleed away
    Emotions come and go and stay
    Who’s fighting now when I say -goodbye?
    Forever is just too long
    Wishing for peace along
    A road of pain and misery
    You turn and you’re gone
    You mumbled something about pain
    Under the clouds and pouring rain
    I feel you’re driving away from me
    Or at least driving me insane
    And you could honestly say
    Couldn’t honestly say
    This is the best feeling
    Will you honestly say?
    You try to rub it in
    And to wash it all away
    You could just honestly say
    You wish it weren’t this way

    -Daniel Lynch



  166.  #166mary on May 31, 2010 at 1:30 am

    ankita,

    he seems obsessed
    you’re not particularly into him
    you’re skeptical
    he scares you
    you’re afraid you’ll get stuck
    you’re not into him
    you never will be
    you don’t like his looks
    you’re confused
    you’re afraid
    he scares you

    all in four paragraphs.



  167.  #167mary on May 31, 2010 at 2:01 am

    oh! why can’t i ever sleep?



  168.  #168Daria on May 31, 2010 at 2:28 am

    Ankita – to practice doesn’t mean keep talking to him. But to get his message what is his message?

    For me I would think the message was that I am feeling overwhelmed by adoration so I’m attracting it from a man when it doesn’t feel safe. And that’s not what I want but I feel happy it’s starting to show up. More! With safer feelings!

    I would say to him. Wow I feel flattered and also I’m feeling unsafe and mistrustful hearing this and not knowing u well. I feel kindA weird and pressured. I don’t want to feel that way. What do you think?

    Or just the second part along w flattered bec I want to practice keeping it short.

    Hey thanks for the practice ankita!

    It mite feel fun to borrow everyones situation and look for my message. Hehe low pressure!

    What was the man tonites message?

    Oh that I can say – I don’t want a man that’s not comfortable pursuing a woman. I like that!

    And that I feel a lot more comfortable talking about sex now.

    And that I’m attracting men to tell me get up and do my marketing /
    do I want to do it myself after all?

    Yes.
    Or do I want to attract someone to do it?

    Maybe.

    IFC a part of me wants to do it so I cab
    n brag to myself of all I’ve done- but I don’t want to do it! I want to delegate. I’m having a conflict.

    I want to get a part time job at barnes n noble but i’m afraid my dad will be mad. But I love me .

    I feel scared I don’t have references . I feel scared of being turned down for being overqualified. Wait I do have references. Margaret from my goddess group! And joy there too. And rosie maybe from toAstmasters. Yeah. Cool,

    Ok . Wat if I do get hired. I’ll make a few extra hundred bucks that will have me feeling good. And I like being in barnes and noble.

    More message from this man – I feel afraid to open my heart. And I feel hungry to talk. He ended it first. But! I don’t hold on anymore and feel relaxed getting off. It would feel good to go out in person tho. He said he’ll call tomorrow but didn’t ask me out I expected that cu z the long talk. And he left a message and drives. Yay. He also has 4 Duis oh gosh. Well he’s not judging me on that lol, oh and he says his ssex is great lol many men say that. I like it when they say that. And he’s close like 10 min. Hellas men from there are poppin up. That’s where security was from. And I tutor there.

    Sleep time 4 sure.



  169.  #169tinque on May 31, 2010 at 8:14 am

    Daria – I’ve been thinking a lot about your situation with your bladder and kidneys. Something about all of it has been feeling familiar, yet not, and then it hit me this morning. Our physical manifestations are not the same, but the dynamic may very well be.
    This may not help you physically, but maybe it will help ease the frustration you feel.
    This work you’ve been doing, learning new ways of being within yourself and in the universe means you have to let go of old stuff, things that no longer serve you. It’s like a releasing of toxic material harboring inside you.
    But this stuff needs an outlet. The kidneys and the bladder are obvious organs of elimination. Waste gets filtered through here and eliminated.
    This may very well be your body’s way of manifesting this emotional release. The “bad” stuff you’re getting rid of is irritating your organs of elimination.
    I’ve been going through the exact same thing, but my areas of manifestation have differed so much, I didn’t make the connection until just now.
    This irritation you have been experiencing, if it’s anything like mine, may continue on for awhile, and yes it feels enormously frustrating sometimes. But if you can look at it as your body releasing things you no longer want to hold on to, and this is a good thing instead of there being something wrong with your body, this may help you deal with it better.
    Your body is cleansing itself, maybe, and not being sick.
    xxoo



  170.  #170Ankita on May 31, 2010 at 8:56 am

    Hello Sirens

    I have this article in my inbox by Mirabelle Summer..
    Would love to share…

    Why Men Need To Be Screened (And How To Do It)

    Let’s be honest for a moment, shall we? It is
    far too easy to get involved with the ‘wrong guy’.

    All too often, men portray themselves as more
    polished, more likable, and even completely
    different versions of themselves than what they
    really are. But by the time you figure this out,
    you’re already emotionally involved, which means
    you’re stuck between a rock and a hard place:
    either continuing on and trying to accept this new
    and different guy … or writing the relationship
    off, ditching him, and diving back into the dating
    scene again.

    When you think you’ve found this great new guy,
    it’s AGONIZING when you start to see him in a new
    and unflattering light. It’s HORRIBLE to have to
    realize that this one, too, is ‘just another
    jerk’.

    But here’s the thing: YOU CAN’T BLAME MEN FOR
    DOING THIS. It’s natural for men to want to put
    their best foot forward and make a big effort in
    the beginning to polish up their behavior, and
    seem as attractive as possible. After all, if he
    wants you, he’s going to do his damndest to make
    sure that you want him back!

    But what about the scenarios when he’s actually
    MISLED you? What about those times when you
    deliberately asked him about a certain aspect of
    his character that was important to you, and he
    LIED to you about it?

    Surely you can blame him for THAT?

    Believe it or not, the answer here is actually
    “No, you cannot.” The REAL problem here is not
    that he ‘lied’ to you about something that’s
    important to you: it’s that you set him up to make
    a difficult choice.

    When you ask a man about something that is
    clearly very important to you, and when your
    possible future together clearly hinges upon him
    answering this question ‘correctly’ (read: how you
    want him to), you are making things both very easy
    AND very difficult for him.

    Things are difficult because, if he’s a good
    guy, he will want to answer you honestly – and
    sometimes, the honest answer is not going to be
    what you want to hear. However, he’s able to tell
    from your attitude that if he doesn’t give you the
    ‘correct’ answer, he’ll have no chance with you at
    all. It’s a moral conundrum.

    And on the other hand, you’re also making
    things very EASY for him because it’s usually
    quite simple to extrapolate, from the context of
    the question and your attitude in asking it, what
    you want his answer to be. All he has to do to get
    into your life (and, likely, your pants) is tell
    you what you want to hear.

    He figures it’s a win-win situation: HE’s happy
    (because now you want him), YOU’RE happy (because
    you heard what you wanted to hear), and by the
    time you figure out that he doesn’t necessarily
    agree with what he actually said, you’ll already
    be involved with him, and will more likely to
    ignore his flaws in favor of his good points.

    Smart. Underhanded, yes, but actually TOTALLY
    understandable.

    So if you can’t blame him, or expect his
    behavior to change … but you still want a man who
    will conform, to some extent, to the standards
    that you have in a potential partner … then does
    that mean that you’re doomed to settle for a
    string of relationships that start off
    fantastically …

    … but then slowly turns sour?

    ABSOLUTELY NOT!

    There is a better way. And I’m going to tell
    you what it is right now.

    Before I do, just one quick tip: as you may be
    aware, this is far from being the only harmful
    myth in circulation about men and dating. Most of
    our problems with men, in fact, don’t stem from a
    basic incompatibility with men, or from your ‘lack
    of attractiveness’.

    They stem from just one or two SMALL
    misunderstandings.

    If these misunderstandings were to be
    straightened out, you’d experience an IMMEDIATE
    improvement in your success with men. (And you’d
    feel a lot better about yourself, too – trust me.)

    The secret to attracting, and getting involved
    with, the type of men who are RIGHT for you is
    that you have to learn how to TEST THEM.

    This doesn’t mean that you’re going to sit them
    down, say, “We need to talk”, and subject them to
    a lengthy interrogation of multiple-choice
    questions. That won’t work – not only would it
    make you seem like a lunatic, but, as we’ve
    already discussed, asking a flat-out question will
    not necessarily get you an honest response.

    Let’s take a look at the following conversation
    as an example:

    You: “I’ve gotta say, I’m sick of men saying
    one thing and then turning out to believe
    something else completely different. You’re not
    going to be one of those guys, are you?”

    Or …

    You: “After my last relationship ended, I
    decided I’m not ever going to get involved with a
    guy who has commitment issues ever again. You
    don’t have any problems with long-term
    relationships, do you?”

    See what I mean? The poor guy will practically
    be able to SEE your light change from green to red
    if he gives the wrong answer (and it’s not hard to
    tell which one the ‘wrong’ answer will be!)

    You are smarter than this. The way to find out
    what a man REALLY thinks about things is not to
    ask him point-blank questions, but to do it
    indirectly, in a way that doesn’t put so much
    pressure on him, and doesn’t let him know that you
    are checking out his personality credentials.

    This isn’t devious or underhanded AT ALL, just
    in case you were wondering. It may make you feel a
    little odd to be talking about things like
    ‘checking out his credentials’ or ‘testing him’,
    but let’s call a spade a spade and acknowledge the
    fact that you HAVE to figure out, at some point,
    whether someone is ‘right for you’ or not.

    You can save yourself a LOT of time and hassle
    by deliberately CREATING situations which will
    tell you whether he is ‘right for you’ or not,
    rather than wasting time (and becoming hopelessly
    emotionally ensnared in the meantime) with
    somebody who is WRONG for you.

    Testing a guy is what this is about. You are
    being a smart woman, and prioritizing your own
    desires and requirements in a man, by choosing to
    speed the process up and figure out EARLY ON
    whether he’s going to be able to make you happy or
    not.

    Trust me, this is the right way to handle
    dating. You’ll save yourself a lot of heartache,
    you’ll be able to recognize and discard the men
    who are not right for you (and thus, you’ll find
    your Mr Right that much faster) …

    … and the relationships that you DO have will
    be much more satisfying for both of you, because
    you’ll only be getting involved with men who are a
    good fit for you.

    So, let’s get on with it! Here are 2 great
    techniques that you can use to ‘test’ a man, in a
    way that’s subtle, effective, and allows you to
    get a glimpse of his TRUE personality and beliefs.

    1. When you’re asking him a question, reframe
    it so that he feels like a spokesperson for men
    everywhere.

    This is one of the tips that David Copeland and
    Ron Louis have in their fun book, “How To Be
    Successful With Men”. (Yes, a book for women by
    two men – hmm! Despite this gender-bender, many of
    their tips are actually spot-on, and this is one
    of them.)

    If you ask a man what HE thinks, as in, “How do
    you feel about the prospect of only being with one
    woman at time?”, he’ll feel the pressure of being
    evaluated and will quickly cotton on to the fact
    that his answer will probably affect his
    likelihood of getting to know you better.
    Consequently, he will be much more likely to give
    an airbrushed answer, and will try to tell you
    what he thinks you want to hear.

    The result? You are no closer to finding out
    whether this guy is actually going to be able to
    make you happy beyond the first couple of dates.

    But if you ask a man to tell you what MEN
    think, he’ll feel the freedom of being able to
    ‘hide’ behind other people’s opinions, and –
    ironically – he is actually MUCH more likely to
    give you HIS opinion. It’ll just be couched under
    the guise of ‘what men think’ rather than what HE
    thinks.

    Example:

    YOU: “So, do you realize how many women want to
    know what men ACTUALLY think about the prospect of
    spending their lives with just one woman after
    they get married? Does it freak them out, or do
    you think most guys actually enjoy the prospect of
    quality time with a woman they’re happy with?”
    (You can preface this with a, “My girlfriends and
    I have been talking about this lately …” if you
    want.)

    The answer that he gives is most likely a
    reflection of his own beliefs. And if it’s not,
    he’ll be more likely to tell you – as in, “Well, I
    think most guys believe that ___. That’s not
    actually what I believe though, but a lot of my
    friends do,” etc.

    So if he says something along the lines of,
    “God, I think most men actually hate to even hear
    the WORD commitment! Most of the guys I know think
    that women bring this topic up way too often, and
    it just makes them feel trapped”, then you’ll have
    a pretty good idea of where HE stands on the
    issue.

    But if he says something more like, “Yeah, I
    think you’re right. I mean, obviously, you
    wouldn’t want to spend your life with one person
    who wasn’t right for you … but I don’t know a
    single guy who would balk at the idea of
    committing to his dream woman!” then that paints a
    different picture entirely.

    2. Ask YOURSELF Questions And Regularly Monitor
    How You’re Feeling

    When you’re dating a new guy, it’s easy to let
    yourself get carried away. It can be tempting to
    let little things slide, and to make excuses for
    poor behavior – after all, you REALLY want to like
    this guy! You don’t want him to turn out to be
    another stepping stone to a good relationship.

    One thing that many women neglect to do is to
    monitor the way that they are feeling when they
    are with a certain man. They rely on their ‘gut
    instinct’ – or, worse, they equate the way that
    they felt when they’d just started dating this
    person with the way the entire relationship to
    date makes them feel.

    Although this is surprisingly easy to do (since
    we tend to remember strong emotions best, and when
    you just start dating someone you generally feel
    very strongly GOOD about them), in order to
    prevent an unpleasant wake-up call later on, smart
    women who are successful in dating tend to take
    mini-check ups to monitor their state of mind and
    actual happiness levels.

    For example, asking yourself any of the
    following questions both during and after dates
    and phone-calls with a man will keep your feet
    firmly on the ground:

    – Does he make me feel good about myself?

    – Is he polite?

    – Does he say nice things to me?

    – Does he make me laugh?

    – Do I feel forced or unnatural around him?

    – Do I feel happy and good after talking to
    him, or mixed-up, confused, or sad?

    – Is he light and playful?

    – Does he make me feel like a lady?

    – Do I like the way I feel when I am around
    him?

    Note that these are all very SUBJECTIVE
    questions – and that’s exactly why you’re asking
    them! The quality of a relationship is based
    ENTIRELY upon highly subjective matters:
    primarily, how a certain man makes you feel about
    yourself in general.

    If you DON’T keep tabs on yourself, it can
    become easy to get confused, ‘forget’ those
    niggling little things (that actually signify
    trouble to come), and convince yourself that you
    are happier than you are.

    So: monitor your emotional state and check up
    on yourself. Just because he made you feel good at
    FIRST doesn’t mean he’s STILL making you feel good
    now – it could just be that, like many a woman,
    you’ve pulled the wool over your own eyes.



  171.  #171Ankita on May 31, 2010 at 9:10 am

    Mary and Daria

    Hmmm…. I get the message… Though am not interested in him particularly, I feel flattered by his attention… But I feel unsafe, and mistrusting… and that’s what I intend to say in feeling messages, or, if not, say anything at all…

    I feel overwhelmed…. 🙂
    But unsafe also…!!! 🙁

    I never know to what extent this guy may go, ever… I want love, not his blood… He he… 😀



  172.  #172Laughing goddess on May 31, 2010 at 9:10 am

    Oooo, I feel so excited about this topic Tinque. I was just having a similar conversation with a friend last night.

    When I am feeling tight from holding on to emotions, I “energetically poop” them out. That feels funny to say. Lemme explain…

    I visualize and egg shaped aura or energetic field around me with a shower or toilet drain at the bottom. From the drain there is a long cord or tube that goes all the way to the center of the earth. Then I visualize releasing all the old thoughts and emotions down the drain, to the center of the earth where the energy gets purified and transformed into something new and more appropriate for where I am now. I’ve always visualized the release feeling as and energetic poo-ing but now I am going to visualize peeing the old stuff out as well. Heck! I may even visualize it coming out of my skin because the skin is a major elimination organ as well.

    I love letting all of this energetic waste go to be transformed. Just as the earth composes waste and turns it into beautiful rich soil. I visualize my energetic waste being transformed in to a rich bed of energetic potential where flowers can go.

    I do the same thing when I am cleaning my house. I see my outward physical manifestations as a expression of my energetic self. If my surroundings are feeling cluttered or dirty, I realized that my mind and energy is cluttered as well. When I am throwing something away or recycling, I visualize giving this item back to the universe because it is no longer serving me and the energy can be freed up to become something that is more useful to me in this moment.

    These exercises have felt so important and useful. I feel excited to share and discuss with all of you.



  173.  #173Laughing goddess on May 31, 2010 at 9:27 am

    from the article Ankita just posted:

    “But if he says something more like, “Yeah, I
    think you’re right. I mean, obviously, you
    wouldn’t want to spend your life with one person
    who wasn’t right for you … but I don’t know a
    single guy who would balk at the idea of
    committing to his dream woman!” then that paints a
    different picture entirely.”

    wow! This is off-topic from the main point of the article but that little paragraph felt so good and affirming to read because I have been realizing that most of the men I know do feel exactly this way.

    This feels so good to see because I have always thought that most men are totally commitment-phobic but now I am realizing that lots and lots of men really want a solid committed relationship…just as much as women. Men just seem to be a little less likely to accept crumbs the way we women do. They want a relationship but they want it with the woman of their dreams. Wow! Yay for them!

    I feel so good and at peace realizing this. All men aren’t commitment phobic! In fact most of them are not!!! Yay yay yay!



  174.  #174Laughing goddess on May 31, 2010 at 9:37 am

    My main cd just left to go out of town for a week. Beofre he left, I was actually feel excited because I could use the free time to get caught up on some personal things but now I am finding myself feeling a little sad. I don’t want to go down that path tho’. I’m going to refocus and get in the vortex. It will feel so great to have some free time. It would feel good to get up and get active. I feel so stuck when I sit and think and sometimes I feel overwhelmed and paralyzed when I think of all I want to do. I usually find that if I just get up and start doing something…anything… I start feeling better. Just moving forward feels better.



  175.  #175Ankita on May 31, 2010 at 9:58 am

    Hellloooo Sirens

    I feel so excited sharing this, I am literally jumping on my chair…

    Just now, as I was typing the above comment in this blog, I got a call from this guy, let’s call him, came-back-changed-heart. Actually he is the guy whom I met on December in orkut and exchanged phone no., but he was so much into drugs, sex, etc. that I gave him a really heavy dose about it and cut off all contact with him, as I really don’t like such guys…

    He also wrote on orkut, “finally feeling for somene”, referring to me.. He told me that he has never seen someone like me, and hardly ever any girls did interest him, thought the girls were mad for him, so they did agree to sleep with him, I didn’t, with such a guy…!! He also did say to me that he was willing to change for me, but I wanted the proof, so total cut-off from him.

    He called me on valentine’s day too, but I didn’t pick up his call.. He called me just now from an unknown number, after much thinking, I picked it up.. It was he…

    He said that he has literally stopped drinking, no sex, no drugs, his friends are amazed at this change in him.. And he said, it’s all because of mee…
    He said, none of the girls did ever tempt him, then give him a dose, and then left him and walked away.. I did…

    He has asked me for a date, as soon as possible.. I said date I will confirm to you…As am having exams results in some days.. (I hope I do well, I have taken such a risk this year. I have put everything at stake for this exam. I hope all goes well, else I will be doomed for shame..) I saw him as a message man, from whom I can well practice receiving…

    In just 20 mins convo, he asked me so many times for date, and also said that am a mystery to him, I replied, “I feel flattered, and also feel intrigued.”

    He replied, “Lemme be very clear here. Not many girls catch my attention.. But ya.. u did… Am craving to meet you…”

    Me, “Oh.. that feels so nice..!”
    He, “Come down once.. You won’t forget this meeting ever..”

    He had also asked me to call him, to which I did reply, “I don’t feel uncomfortable calling men. I fee; great when the man takes charge of all the calling. But of course I call back, when I miss the call.”

    Even as I am commenting here, he texted me to come over to his flat saying that last time we talked (in jan), I agreed going to his place. I just replied, ” Lets meet, and hang out together. what do you think?”

    He, “Ok.. But do stay with me, don’t rush to go back.. I promise, you’ll enjoy my company..”
    Me, “Oh ya.. Gonna stay…!”

    Then he again asked as to why I don’t wanna come over at his flat… I replied, “I just feel uncomfortable.. That’s it…!”

    I feel flattered…!!



  176.  #176tallgirl10 on May 31, 2010 at 11:48 am

    I am feeling sad and anxious.

    Text guy and I went back and forth a lot when I was on vacation. But nothing since Thursday and he knew I was away for the whole week.

    Bummer.



  177.  #177Lucy on May 31, 2010 at 12:06 pm

    I feel happy that I am meeting Brenda tonight! Yay!



  178.  #178aprilshowers on May 31, 2010 at 12:07 pm

    Yay, Siena and Ankita!

    Siena (#136), I felt bad that your great news seemed to get lost in the blog. I feel really excited for you. You seem like such a pro at Rori’s tools. I feel so glad that you are happy and getting great results.

    Ankita (#175), I felt happy to hear that you are so patient. You are slowing the guy down to your pace, not rushing to move to his. You are clearly inviting him to be good to you through feeling messages. Awesome.

    I feel so inspired by you Sirens. Isn’t it amazing what we can “do” when we simply stop “doing”? 😉



  179.  #179Ankita on May 31, 2010 at 1:30 pm

    Some of my entrance exams results came out. I was expecting a better rank than what I got. 🙁

    I feel trapped.

    I feel disappointed, miserable.

    I don’t wanna stay here. I wanna move out. I want to change my state. Every street, i walk on here, brings me back the memories of my ex and me together, and they give me only pain. They haunt me…

    It seems like every street is making fun of me, now when I walk alone there. Even that bitch seems to come outta nowhere and grin at me, thinking, “I made you lose your guy. And the universe will make you lose your ambition and dream.” 🙁

    My dad is desperately looking for colleges in my city. I feel so helpless. I feel like am not even in the state to say, please dad, let me go out of here. I am just watching helplessly.

    My family enemy, got rank much higher than me, and since then my mom is cursing me and praising him, comparing me to him, and saying I never made her happy. I am feeling so pressured. I don’t have a problem with her anger. She is my mom, she has right to be angry. But she is comparing me unfavorably to that guy, instead of myself.



  180.  #180Ankita on May 31, 2010 at 1:39 pm

    I don’t wanna be judged. I know what hell I went through while studying, alcoholic psycho bf, always hurting ex… Huhh….

    I did give my best. As best as i could. But something was there, just stopping me… Like something pulling me back…

    I don’t wanna stay here anymore. i wanna move out of West Bengal..

    I swear, I will work so hard, so hard that I’ll be a really good engineer. But I just wanna get outta here.

    I wanna shout that from rooftop, ” Did you all here? I don’t wanna stay here any longer… Just get me outta here. I feel suffocated here..”



  181.  #181Ankita on May 31, 2010 at 1:42 pm

    I feel pathetic, miserable…

    I have always been a very ambitious girl. but right now it seems like, am begging to god for my ambition to be fulfilled. Am at universe’s mercy for my dream to be fulfilled.

    Please universe, let me go outta here. Please don’t stop me. I don’t wanna be stopped.



  182.  #182Ankita on May 31, 2010 at 1:48 pm

    I swear I will make it big. i promise i will make it big in technical world. I promise, I will really work hard to be a good engineer.

    I feel caged. please open the door of this cage and let me pursue my dream. Please let me be free. Please universe free me.

    I want to be the author of my own life.. I don’t wanna let my life just pass by..

    Please god and universe, allow me to move out, so that I can pursue my dream, and become a successful engineer..

    Please universe…… I want to be an engineer.. A really, really successful engineer…

    I promise I will work very very hard.. But please, allow me to escape this place…!!



  183.  #183Ankita on May 31, 2010 at 1:52 pm

    Rarely anything in my life is there, which I did ever want so badly….

    I want to be an engineer, damn…!!!

    A highly successful and qualified engineer…~~



  184.  #184Lucy on May 31, 2010 at 2:01 pm

    Hugs and prayers for you, Ankita!



  185.  #185Lucy on May 31, 2010 at 2:04 pm

    It’s interesting how natural feeling messages are becoming, even in non-dating situations. A married couple friends of mine who are divorcing got into a back and forth quarrel on facebook, and without even thinking, I commented on their thread, “I feel so sad reading this convo. :(“



  186.  #186Rori Raye on May 31, 2010 at 11:25 pm

    Ankita, I want to hug you…please consider yourself hugged from here. This is going to require a complete change in perspective. Your anger and frustration and misery – and the things you say and believe are causing that misery are MEANINGLESS!! They are reflecting some thoughts you are having about your situation that are making the unpleasant reality of your situation worse, and those thoughts are making it HARDER for you move on from here and to a better place. I know it sounds weird, but if you can find the good and fun in ANY moment – and keep that going, and get your mind off of ANYONE else and just focus on getting what you want regardless of ANYONE else – you’ll get there SO much faster…Just FEEL the feelings you have – but try to stop yourself from labeling them, or analyzing them, or blaming anyone, or attaching some meaning to any of it…just try to accept it as happening right now, and keep the vision of what you WANT in your mind…Love, Rori



  187.  #187Jeannette on May 31, 2010 at 11:54 pm

    Rori, did you open up a new blog on talking about ones past and how much to tell?



  188.  #188Ankita on June 1, 2010 at 8:58 am

    Rori

    Thanks for the hugs…. I needed them badly…

    Yayyy… Now am gonna study engineering… And I now am gonna keep my vision clear…

    Coz blaming can’t work, and its not gonna change anything.. I will have to compromise… When that’s what I have got, I will have to make the most of it… And that’s what I wanna do…



  189.  #189Daria on June 1, 2010 at 3:15 pm

    oh Wow Ankita and Rori –

    I feel really uplifted by this! I’m going to save it!



  190.  #190Diana on August 31, 2011 at 1:26 pm

    Hi, I feel lost and I need some direction. A boyfriend I had a few years ago has stayed in touch with me. We were together on and off, after some time broken up I ended up working with him as my boss. Our relationship remained professional during that time even though there was sexual tension and we would fight over small things. He would flirt with me at times and told me that he loved me on a few occasions, (I would freeze not know how to respond) but he did not act on it to try to win me back. I no longer work for him and do not contact him but he still contacts me every few months. I felt I missed him and texted him after he had texted me two weeks prior, where we had both discussed that neither of us were seeing anyone. He started flirting with me and started making sexual implications the conversation got heated.He asked me to go over during the week. I feel I still love him, I know he still has feelings for me. The night before I was supposed to go over he texted me and I did not respond until an hour plus later. He didn’t seem to get upset but replied that he would talk to me the next day and was going to bed. The next night I was supposed to go over I decided I would not go, I felt upset, I knew I would be going over just to have sex and that upset me. It felt too superficial to me. I texted him that, I felt bad about the way I had texted him (in a sexual way). I did not feel it would be a good idea for me to go over. He did not respond. Even though I did want to go over, I was happy with my decision and now I’m not so sure. Now I feel sad and I hope that wasn’t a missed opportunity to reconnect. It hasn’t been a full day since this happened but I still think he should have contacted me by now.