Sexual Meditation Helps Everything

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naked-torsoHere is what I see: As long as we are feeling separate from ourselves and others – no amount of talking about “opening up” will help.

We have to do the Tools…

Here’s how to use the Sensual Meditation from the Have The Relationship You Want ebook, NOW, to help everything inside and around you:

Schedule this at least twice a week – an hour with yourself when you’re alone. You’ll be working with yourself in a tender, physical, gentle, sensual and sexual way. Then, if you like, WRITE about your experience in a journal!

When you become comfortable, pliable, sensually open for extended periods of time, noticing what’s going on in your body, head and feelings, “in tune with yourself” – and start to feel more connected to yourself — that’s when it transfers to the outside world and everything changes.

This is “Step One” for everything.

Safety is key here to opening up – and opening up simply takes PRACTICE.

Situations in which we women don’t feel safe are many – for those of us raised in relatively non-violent communities and violent communities alike. We all feel and experience these moments and situations all the time.

The issue here is how we feel about our OWN reactions!

In other words – so what if you stiffen up when you’re in a specific situation!?

The thing is for you to be OKAY with that, so you can soften up and open up the moment you notice you’ve closed down.

And that “noticing” and “awareness” and willingness to then open up is what makes all the difference.

The PRACTICE of it, just like meditation.

When we meditate, when we notice we’ve gone off into thinking and stories – the point is not to castigate ourselves and shut down, and start a new internal dialogue about that – but to gently bring ourselves back into our breathing, or clouds passing, or our mantra (or however we’re meditating)…and just keep going like that, noticing, being aware, gently bringing our attention back.

You can’t TALK about meditation. You have to do it. You have to do the practice.

And this is what I’m asking you to do.

To do the meditation, not the talking about it.

So – what I’ve asked of you is a meditation. Yes, it involves physical, sensual activity, AND – it’s a meditation.

The idea is for you to soften, take time with yourself, watch your thoughts, observe your body and everything going on with you.

It’s a giant, long meditation where you are simply sinking into a deeper connection with yourself.

Here’s how it works:

  • Lie down on your bed, or the couch, or a chair, or the floor…
  • Spread your arms out to the sides and relax your legs.
  • Bring your awareness to the air around you, the air touching your face, your hands, your feet.
  • Breathe in and allow your body to meet the air around you as it rises with your breath.
  • Consciously relax into the bed, the couch, the chair, the floor.
  • Feel yourself melting, like candle wax, onto what you’re lying on that’s holding you up.
  • Sink your awareness into your body, and how relaxed and molten it’s getting.
  • Take your breath into each part of your body that you notice – your neck, shoulders, stomach, thighs.
  • Imagine that the air around you, and the sun or moon outside your window, are touching you, literally.
  • Allow your body to make contact with them.
  • Keep breathing, keep melting.
  • Allow your heart to expand to meet and take in the air around you, and at the same time, allow the energy flowing from the ends of your fingers to move outward toward the walls of the room, past the
    walls, so that it feels as if you’re being touched by more and more air, more and more space.
  • Now do the work of physically touching, exploring and pleasuring yourself – keeping all these other steps going, slowly, gently…

The effects of meditation and all my Tools (which are essentially short awareness meditations) is cumulative and over time – and yet, often, because the “work” is so new – results show up very, very quickly – especially if the “noticing work” is carried throughout the day.

Love, Rori



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  1.  #1Mandy on August 29, 2014 at 1:55 pm

    Sweet, a new blog! Love hearing from Rori.

    I have just done this last week, oddly enough, and I noticed this warm, delicious feeling flowing through my chest, arms and legs…it’s been SO long since I’ve felt that, and it was SO absolutely soothing. It takes me awhile to feel myself into it, as does a lot of meditation like practices, but once I get going the sensations run through me like electricity.

    I like to imagine I’ve got my head lying on a spot where a waterfall or the ocean water is gently rinsing and washing away tension and soothing me.

    I want to be flowing and whole and not choppy and separated from myself.

  2.  #2Kim on August 29, 2014 at 4:32 pm

    Oh hello Ladies!
    I haven’t been here in a while.
    How is everybody?
    Azure, what’s the news with Spirit?
    I want to know! I feel curious 🙂

    Well. I got back from a lovely two days in the Keys with MoM, the CD I had for some time, well over a year.
    We had a fabulous time just in the moment and enjoying. The future or any commitment talk did not come up.

    Then, on the way home his phone rang.
    He ignored it. My intuition already told me it was his ex.
    When we were at hour house, it rang again, twice, one time really late. Then beeping….as if a maniacal person was trying to get hold of him. I saw the screen and said ‘oh your ex is trying to get hold of you!’
    No answer from him.

    Now, this is the ex he was together with 12 years. They have been split up for 7 but whenever she needs anything, anything at all, she will call him and he literally jumps. One time, I was walking the keys and we arranged for a romantic weekend (his idea), and taking me back home after my walk.
    He cancelled everything because her cats needed feeding, let me arrive at key west alone and I had to make my way back on the greyhound. Reason?
    ‘The cats are like her children, she doesn’t trust anyone but me, you should understand her situation’.
    I was furious. I dumped him at the time…
    So there is much background with this.

    I sat on this call for a couple of days. The next day, I did not jear from him until very late at night, because he went straight from work to her place to fix her computer.

    I then proceeded to write him an email, saying that I am missing two things in order to have a committed relationship. One being that it feels bad to me after all our history, when a man has such a close relationship with an ex, which goes beyond being cordial and friendly, and does not include me, i e as a couple.
    Also, I am not wanting to be a girlfriend without a commitment amd a future possibility of moving in together and/ or marriage.

    His reaction? He called me selfish and insecure and he is saddened and upset. No mention of commitment at all and obviously no mention of curtailing his (co-dependent?) relationship with the ex.

    I do feel disappointed, really, because he is such a lovely man and we get on so well and have so much fun. I do trust him, but I do not feel comfortable with this hanging over my head. He once said he would do anything for her. Imagine if she got sick or lost her income….what would happen?

    So basically our nice weekend was totally ruined.
    And now I am kinda feeling really deflated. But I think what good is a man who didn’t help me when I had a leak, who does not acknowledge that I have to leave, who doean’t want to get married, and runs when the ex snips her finger (and totally forgets about me). Not really good for me.


    Wildchild never stirred again but I think that’s for the best. Sigh.

  3.  #3Femininewoman on August 29, 2014 at 4:53 pm

    Kim seems too much focus on the ex. I have seen Rori encourage women to take the focus off the ex. I’ll look for an article and post it here. I remember one where she told the woman to try and stop resisting and to allow the man to invite the ex to come over but just keep repeating that she does not feel comfortable having her in the house.

  4.  #4Kim on August 29, 2014 at 5:03 pm

    I don’t think she even knows about me, FW,
    I have ignored and taken the focus off this for weeks, including the fact he backs up her computer on his, keeps pictures of hers from a decade ago handy on his devices etc. i totally ignored it despite the fact he helps me with nothing.
    I asked him for help with my computer pictures and he said ‘do this’ yet spends hours at her house helping her.
    He asked me to be his gf and those are some of the reasons why I never agreed.
    I am not going to compete with another woman.
    Also, I need more commitment than a gf, I would rather keep dating others if he does not see himself ever get married.
    So it’s not just the ex, but all tangled up,
    He is not free to commit to another woman…still too busy with this one.
    All good, he is not budging and I have tried to ignore it for months, he knows what to do if he wants me…
    If not then it is moot anyway..

  5.  #5prplpsn28 on August 29, 2014 at 6:55 pm


  6.  #6BeLoved on August 29, 2014 at 8:37 pm

    Tonight, lying in bed, I feel struck by the sheer selfishness of what I am doing. Going out so far on a limb puts me in such a precarious position. I have no insurance, no income, very little savings. Living with my parents feels strained, it impacts everyone that my living arrangements fell through. If I do move in with S, I am still putting myself in precarious position. If anything happened to me, it would be a huge burden on my family.

    I feel disillusioned with the types of festivals I used to imagine working with. It doesn’t feel so attractive to me.

    I feel this might be what S is reflecting to me, a cavalier attitude about choices that impact people I care about.

    If I could still go back to my job, I could get financially stable fairly quickly, plus now I have have a better idea of how to get up to speed with the software I want to learn. I would have more time and feel more relaxed about expanding my creativity and developing multiple streams of passive income.

    For a lot of this week, I have felt aggressive and more like ‘teenage boy’ than ‘feminine woman’.

    I started seeking out this program because, even though P said she felt certain the comoany would work things out, I didnt believe they would. And they actually didn’t come up with a better offer for me until they realuzed I was leaving.

    Deep thoughts snd feelings.

  7.  #7BeLoved on August 29, 2014 at 8:53 pm

    I wonder if this is related to what I need to learn about trust. Part of me feels a longing and desire to settle down and own a home, put down some roots. Part of me feels like, the whole monetary system could collapse at as nt moment, something could happen to cause me to lose my home. It could all disappeared in a heartbeat, so why bother?


  8.  #8Emerson on August 29, 2014 at 11:27 pm


  9.  #9Emerson on August 29, 2014 at 11:30 pm

    FW I would be interested in reading that article by rori about taking focus off the ex.

  10.  #10Veronica on August 30, 2014 at 12:19 am

    Funny’s work operates on project availability which seems to result in ebbs and flows – he is in an ebb at the moment. I am triggered so much. There are my own very significant fears and limiting beliefs around ‘having enough’. What I do know is that although he is barely employed, that hasn’t affected the quality of his affection for me – he is still doing, still giving, still focused in a healthy way on the relationship. I feel cherished. And he’s making significant efforts to improve his situation – I can’t ask for more and don’t want to really. I find this moment interesting – I do know for sure that if he goes through an ebb that the caring will still continue. My worry which I don’t want to entertain at this stage is that this will be a prolonged ebb – I feel nervous with that kind of unpredictability. I have no doubt though that he is thinking about a plan long term re: financial stability. I know that it is my own fears that I need to sit with because they seem very real and do affect how I imagine my life/living.

    An ex of his is also initiating ‘friendly’ contact with him. I don’t feel upset – I don’t know enough and am just watching to see how this unfolds. I do have an inside view of how operating with an agenda works. He’s curious because he knows that it involves him and doesn’t know how but is utterly repelled and thinking of how to cut ties. He doesn’t have her contact details. I know within myself at which point I’ll leave and at which point I’ll start expressing when I feel uncomfortable. That is enough for me now – I don’t want to get embroiled in what at this point seems to be a minor issue. I do appreciate that he is so open with me. I do realize that I could go crazy thinking about this, but I don’t want to.

    I do have old fears coming up of how BM used to disappear into contact with a friendly female colleague.

    And down into the soup I go.

  11.  #11Emerson on August 30, 2014 at 5:39 am

    CutecityCD and I were talking via text last night and he helped me with some technical issues. He was so sweet and I cold tell he enjoyed being my hero even in just a little way. I was using feeling messages up the wazoo ! Lol and I feel thankful for him….he is very sweet and very smart. I would definitely be interested in getting to know him more. We live about an hour away from each other so it’s been a challenge with out work schedules. I intend to be more available when he wants to get together next time and maybe be more flexible. I do have a difficult schedule to fit into.
    It felt nice talking to him even tho it was just texting.

  12.  #12Emerson on August 30, 2014 at 5:44 am

    I’m still processing how “off” I feel with recycledCD and it’s basically just toxic energy. I feel angry about it and it’s useless energy to be wasting.

    Today I intend to create an new vision board and I intend to focus on positive outcomes. I have a to do list I need to conquer today and I look forward to meeting new men who like me and want to be with me.

    I know they are out there. I’m also working on my fitness plan and getting back in shape!! I feel excited about that.!!

  13.  #13Emerson on August 30, 2014 at 5:50 am

    Veronica ah yes the soup…
    Sometimes the soup can be healing and finding a way to acknowledge my feelings and live them pulls me out of the soup…
    I also feel triggered by exes contacting the man I’m with and I feel extreme about if (probably not good)….I feel like if it’s over and they don’t want contact then the man should take care of it by saying they are taken now of that they don’t want contact. But at times I’m too extreme and that may not be the best way.

  14.  #14Linda on August 30, 2014 at 6:16 am

    I have been working on connection with myself. It is not so much involving exactly what Rori is talking about here though. Although I will say that being able to feel when I tense up /disconnect or close up is something that I feel will be revolutionizing to my life. Just typing this feels like I just flipped a switch and an energy or buzz is vibrating in me.

    This inner work is my focus right now. I am really hungry for what feeds and nurtures me. Yes a mans touch and affection feels amazing and I do want that in my life. But what I am needing more is MY touch and affection. To be connected and well with me myself and I. So for a season dating is off my radar.

    I have three main areas that are on my list. A place to exercise my faith, Socializing and making friends, My weight/physical exercise….I could add another music. My life is void of some things that bring me joy and a great sense of wellbeing.

    I have reached into the fog and have pulled myself out. This morning I wrote a “honey do” list for me. I want to be so full and connected with me and open to life that there will only be room for a man to enhance what is already there. This thought feels…soooo yummy.

  15.  #15Kim on August 30, 2014 at 6:27 am

    Emerson you sound great! Thanks for the inspiration

  16.  #16Kim on August 30, 2014 at 6:27 am

    Emerson you sound great! Thanks for the inspiration

  17.  #17Linda on August 30, 2014 at 6:28 am

    Emerson. I energy from your post feels like it matches where I am too!!.

    Processing what felt so off about my last relationship has been very healthy and directional for me.

    Connecting feels wonderful

  18.  #18Veronica on August 30, 2014 at 6:30 am

    Emerson – 13 – I’m surprised when I do have a soup experience – this time it seems that my need for more of my own maturity is what needs to be let out/practiced. (But sometimes just acknowledging my emotions is such a struggle).

    Oh the exes thing – yeah it can turn into a hive of buzzing needles for me. I know there’s a way to be with this that is more sireny but wa sometimes my emotions/NVs have a crazy fun time. But it gives me an opportunity to see how a man deals with this and how I am in relation to this situation. The strange thing is that I was the ex doing the contact thing (unbeknownst to me at first that BM was in a relationship) so I understand that there a wide range of ways of being in that position. There is something about unfinished business that puts me off – I don’t believe that this is that kind of situation for him.

  19.  #19Femininewoman on August 30, 2014 at 6:58 am

    Oops have gotten around to the article yet!!

    Linda I love what you are writing here. These days when I a in my head I keep saying mantras.

    I am worthy, I am special.
    I radiate confidence. I radiate a leaned back soft feminine energy.
    I vibrate high.
    I love I love I love. I am open to receive the energy of more and more love

    I figure if I am going to be in my head when I am travelling on the train or have nothing to do it might as well be time used to say mantras and and build myself up.

  20.  #20Femininewoman on August 30, 2014 at 7:02 am

    What I remember from the article is Rori kinda of suggesting that the wife change things around her behavior. Instead of getting angry at the man because the woman is contacting him to kind of complement or admire him for being so good at being loyal to his friends and either agree for the three of them to have dinner together if he wants to invite her over and just keep telling him about her discomfort of having the ex in her house.

  21.  #21Kim on August 30, 2014 at 7:10 am

    FW is it not passive aggressive to pretend you are so happy about his loyalty to his ex, when he drops you when she needs something, and you FEEL angry, abandoned and upset?
    To me that is not authentic and would just bottle up resentment?
    I would think: why is he helping her and not me, when perhaps I have even a bigger need.
    In my case, I had a leak and assorted disasters happen a d when I asked him for help with something, he said I could do it myself as it was easy.
    Yet, when she calls he jumps to attention every time.
    It would feel bad complimenting him for that, while he leaves me to sort out my sh*t alone.

  22.  #22IamHis on August 30, 2014 at 7:19 am

    Kim, I am with you. I feel proud of you for wanting more than a man who is so concerned with his ex. It would infuriate me. I won’t settle for a man giving that much energy to another woman than to me, especially while he is with me!

  23.  #23Femininewoman on August 30, 2014 at 8:41 am

    Kim I don’t think that was what Rori was suggesting. Neither am I. How about lets just wait until we read what she wrote. We all know that Rori doesn’t encourage any pretending. Just because a woman is angry doesn’t change the fact that a man is being loyal to a friend. It only means that both parties see the behavior differently. Admiring his behavior doesn’t mean you are happy about it. As far as I can see it I could be feel jealous about his loyal and that makes me angry but doesn’t take away from the fact that the man has a side of him that makes him loyal.

    As a matter of fact I see loyalty as a strong masculine trait and would want to encourage that in a man. Also a man’s world cannot be made up of me alone so from my perspective if I can get him to be focus most of his loyalty towards me I would have no problem with him showing that side of himself to other people.

    I also would like to be at a place where I feel so confident in myself and relationship that a man’s ex doesn’t feel like a threat to my security.

  24.  #24Femininewoman on August 30, 2014 at 8:43 am

    It would infuriate me.

    Why would I give my power away to a man when I can walk away?

  25.  #25Lucy on August 30, 2014 at 11:21 am

    ((Kim))) (((FW)))

    I see both sides. Techie CD was very loyal to his ex and kids and often our dates would get rearranged because of this. He had a demanding job (electrical engineer) and also helped out w his elderly mom (classic Capricorn sense of duty and loyalty).

    But I admired this. I just didn’t like coming in 6th place.

    It got to a stalemate. Right now, it is where it is…..things are always changing. I love Rori’s image of picking the man up onto your horse and letting him “come along for the ride”! Maybe that will change something — something in the energy. Who knows? It’s fun to try.

    One way I can tell if something’s shifted is if *I* start acting differently! For e.g., I just gave money to my kids to take themselves out for lunch and go to a movie, even though they’ve already had a treat by being on their computers most of the morning lol. I feel generous all of a sudden…..

    I feel the world is my friend more. I feel open to all sorts of good surprises — and we give what we get.


  26.  #26Mandy on August 30, 2014 at 11:36 am

    Oh my gosh…Sirens…

    I’m so excited to post right now…I had to come onto the blog, because the weirdest thing happened.

    J and I went out last night and I had one too many glasses of wine and it did me in pretty well! Oops.

    So I’m just waking up after some sleep this morning, and J is crawling into bed with me and I totally get sick and run the the restroom and toss my cookies…he runs after me and asks if I’m okay, do I need him to hold my hair and I go, will you lay with me and rub my back?

    Well I don’t know how to say this gracefully but my big wish came true, he decided that was a good time to have sex…LOL. Weirdest time I’ve ever seen a man get aroused, but I’m not complaining! He was just grinning at me like hey guess what, surprise!! It was the most beautiful smile when he was standing there.

    I must be doing something seriously right because that’s the second attempt and a successful one.

    Oh gosh I feel so excited. When this happens I feel so happy, fulfilled, joyous, wanted, needed…loved…his.
    Thank goodness that we can connect physically and emotionally with our man that way, it’s so beautiful.

    Been whining for so long about this, I just thought you would appreciate this update…sorry if it’s TMI…I tried to keep it PG-13! 🙂


    I’m torn between snuggling him in bed and being so excited I want to climb a mountain…

  27.  #27RileyTheOwl on August 30, 2014 at 11:47 am

    Dominique, and April Rose, from the last post- I’m seeing C today. We’ve been talking lots over the phone the last few days, and I no longer feel uncomfortable around him or shaken because of my dream. One reason for this is because I’ve felt all this love and passion coming from him, I’m totally laying back into my feminine energy , and it feels incredible. The other is I’ve sat down with myself and meditated over my old fears, I’ve painted myself with love, and written in my journal to help my mind sort out all these old scared feelings. To give them a home, to love and accept them. I feel so much better, I’ve accepted this dream and it just symbolizes my fears which are a part of me.
    I still want to bring it up with him, and I will today if it feels right.
    Thank you so much for helping me, your wisdom and kindness is so appreciated 🙂

  28.  #28Femininewoman on August 30, 2014 at 11:57 am

    Yeah Lucy 🙂

    We also get what we give 🙂 🙂

  29.  #29Femininewoman on August 30, 2014 at 12:00 pm

    MANDY 🙂 🙂

    I LOVE it 🙂 🙂

    He got to be your hero by helping you so he naturally felt like a man and it got is hormones pumping.

    Pay attention girl and you might be able to get more of this. He obviously wants a way to be a man

  30.  #30Femininewoman on August 30, 2014 at 12:04 pm

    Mandy maybe we should to get Rori to put out more articles about sex!!!

    Synchronicity?! 🙂

    I am doing happy dances and backflips in my mind for you 🙂

  31.  #31Mandy on August 30, 2014 at 12:11 pm

    Ya, I can remember times when I’d be revealing an embarrassing feeling to him and he’d waste no time getting close to me. I’d say oh gosh, I feel jealous, I can’t stand that feeling, I feel *so* embarrassed…and he’d be right there giving kisses. It’s really really sweet. I guess now that he’s got cash flow and a job he feels more in control too. That and I didn’t freak out when he hinted at it.

    He likes it, but it has to be authentic, I have to really need his help and be in a bit of a situation.

    Just thought it was really funny and weird, but I liked it, great soothing skills, J! I’m going to go steal some snuggles from him. 🙂

  32.  #32Mandy on August 30, 2014 at 1:22 pm

    Oh right, yes! Rori’s sex article…it….may have had a lot to do with it???

  33.  #33Mandy on August 30, 2014 at 1:24 pm

    But alas, I’d be on a trip for biscuits and breakups if it weren’t for the Sirens including Rori…I keep wishing we could Skype or something. That would be so cool. SO jealous of the ladies who get to see her in person in NY and all that, lol. Maybe when I take a trip to CA….I’m only next door in AZ…:)

    Love you gals 🙂 Love love love…!

  34.  #34Indigo on August 30, 2014 at 1:47 pm

    I just wanted to post real quick because I just got home from a date with BM, which was lovely, and just wanted to say…


    WHOOHOO!!! 😀

    That’s so great, may there be more of this

  35.  #35Indigo on August 30, 2014 at 1:55 pm

    Feminine Woman,

    What you said in 23 & 24, I agree with 100%.

    Why would we allow a man we are not in a committed relationship with to fracture our calm with his behavior towards his ex?

    Sorry if this triggers anyone, but if we are not in a relationship with the man, we have no *right* to expect or dictate that he change his behavior towards his ex. If he has always been there for her and helped her, he is unlikely to change this for someone who is not even his committed girlfriend. We may not like it, but I can tell you this is the way the guy will see it. We have far more chance of getting things to be the way we want them if we are the kind, cool girl who doesn’t let her feathers get ruffled by this. Yes we can say what we do and don’t want in a relationship… and I would absolutely do this, and then *remove* myself if the situation was making me uncomfortable. But going on about our needs being greater, and it all making us feel very angry and hurt, is just well… quite frankly, first of all trying to influence the outcome, and second of all feeding into our sense of being unworthy and undeserving.

    Sorry, but just my two cents. I don’t think I would ever give some guy’s ex the power to influence my peace of mind ever again.

  36.  #36Kim on August 30, 2014 at 2:54 pm

    Indigo and FW I totally agree, but he asked me to be in a relationship with him…and I didn’t answer simply because I would not want to be in a relationship with a man who was more loyal and devoted to his ex than he was to me.
    And when this happened, I told him.
    Indigo, I think a situation where the man asks you to give up other men, and yet he is playing the hero for the ex would be unacceptable to me. Not to you?

    I mean, who in their right mind would accept those conditions? I stated clearly that I would on,y be a girlfriend if there was a commitment, i e marriage on the table
    And if the contact with the ex was minimal and/or involved us as a couple more often than not. To me, these are reasonable boundaries. He didn’t agree and I walked away.
    I am certainly not prepared to be the fwb for someone who puts the ex’s needs above mine AND isn’t offering a commitment, but I appreciate other opinions…I just wouldn’t do it.

    So yeah, I was triggered by his acting all hurt and sad when I stated my boundaries, and it is not the first time.
    It is not up to me to expect him to change, but I am not going to congratulate him on playing the hero to another woman either. I did not ask him for a commitment, he asked me.

    He does a lot for her. He never offered to help me with anything, not my condo problems, not with things I can’t do because I have a car and not financially or anything. He lends her money, pet sits, fixes her computer and whatever else. That’s up to him, and that is their arrangement.
    It is up to me to not accept it, state that clearly and walk away.
    And I did.

  37.  #37Kim on August 30, 2014 at 2:56 pm

    It still hurts because I love to spend time with him, and we have a nice time together…but at the end of the day, I need to feel good with a man and although I mostly do feel good with him,
    I would not want tonfeel competitive with another woman.

  38.  #38Femininewoman on August 30, 2014 at 3:24 pm

    “To me, these are reasonable boundaries.”

    Boundaries are behaviours we agree with ourselves about our own behaviors. Not a man’s. Also looking at a man’s behavior and telling him that he is more loyal to the ex would trigger resistance in any man. I believe in any human. It is judging and critizing. Only he gets to decide if who he is/he is more loyal.

    I feel so resonant with most of what you are saying Kim it is just that I feel concerned about the intention behind it and where you are coming from. It is almost like it is intended to tell off and punish and the only reason why I am continuing to engage on the subject. You are not wrong neither can I say you are right. Also he is not wrong.

    My other question is why do you continue to date a man who obviously have decided and told you that he is not willing to give you your must haves? It seems his actions might continually anger you and in my mind “what good is that”?

    I dunno Kim. It seems maybe looking at your actions rather than his might be the way to go.

  39.  #39Kim on August 30, 2014 at 3:34 pm

    FW I didn’t say he was more loyal to the ex than me. I didn’t say it to him. It is a fact though. If he had to choose between me and her, he would chose her to ‘rescue’ if it comes down to it.
    Of course I didn’t accuse him of that. That’s his choice. My choice is whether to accept that – or not.
    I do believe in telling a man what feels good to me and what doesn’t if He asks me to be his gf.
    Those are my boundaries. As it happens, he decided he would rather play hero to the ex and he also decided he does not want to get married or move in with a woman in the near future.
    All of which are not acceptable to me and my future vision, so he catapulted himself out of the race.
    His reaction to it all was ‘feeling sad’ and that he doesn’t want to be friends because it would hurt him too much to see me with someone else.
    Yet, he doesn’t want to step up. So he’s our of the rotation unless he wants to negotiate.
    It’s not just the ex issue, it is also the issue that he wants his cake and eat it, i e have a girlfriend but nothing more.
    I am sure there are plenty of women out therw who would agree to all that.
    I am not one of them.

  40.  #40Kim on August 30, 2014 at 3:40 pm

    I don’t hold a grudge. I like him. I believe he did the best he could. I knkw in his mind, he thinks taking me away for a weekend and making dates, is ‘stepping up’ and I know if I was 20 years old and not 40, this might even have worked for me for a while….just that I want something different at this stage of my life. And it is ok of a man doesn’t.
    I don’t regret trying with him again because I love his company. I would quite happily date casually or be friends.
    Luckily I am not so attached and ‘in love’ even though I could have seen him as my forever man had he stepped up.
    All moot.
    He’s a good guy. Just not my guy.

  41.  #41Dominique on August 30, 2014 at 3:43 pm

    Mandy – 26 – YAY!!! SO happy for you.


  42.  #42Femininewoman on August 30, 2014 at 3:45 pm

    “Then, on the way home his phone rang.” Pardon me Kim but if this was me and she had not called the whole time I would be assuming that he told her he would be away and about what time he would be on his way home.

    ” did not ask him for a commitment, he asked me”. Well thank goodness you didn’t. When it is like this in my experience the man seems to be commited to the relationship than when it is the other way around.

    “Yet, when she calls he jumps to attention every time.”
    “if he does not see himself ever get married.”
    I wonder if these two things have anything to do with his behavior. You told him you want to get married he told you he doesn’t. So I wonder if he experiences you asking him to do for you is pressure and maybe your attempt to convince him to change his mind?.

    I wonder if she has told him that they might be better together as friends rather than as a couple why he doesn’t feel anything she asks him to do as pressure? If he feels rejection from her he would unconsciously try to win her back.

    Kim if I were you I would really look at all these things. I am getting a sense that maybe she really just sees him as a friend and vice versa.

  43.  #43Dominique on August 30, 2014 at 3:45 pm

    RileyThe Owl – 27 – SO good. Feeling proud of you.


  44.  #44Femininewoman on August 30, 2014 at 3:47 pm

    Kim I thought you said you were with him for a few days? Did I misunderstand?

  45.  #45Kim on August 30, 2014 at 3:53 pm

    One full day and lne half FW

  46.  #46Kim on August 30, 2014 at 3:56 pm

    42 – maybe I agree with you FW.
    I still would not agree to a relationship where his ex of 12 years has him by the short and curlies and he would drop everything, including me, if she so much as snipped her fingers. I am sure the relationship is platonic.
    It still feels weird to me.
    For a woman to call my ‘bf’ at almost midnight, repeatedly, that friendship is closer than our relationship as I wouldn’t even do that.
    Point being that I also think i am better off to just have him as a friend 🙂

  47.  #47prplpsn28 on August 30, 2014 at 4:06 pm

    Tough day. Missing H 🙁

  48.  #48Linda on August 30, 2014 at 5:53 pm

    Interesting discussion here about ex’s and loyalties etc. I dealt with this some in my relationship with P.

    In the days we are living everybody just about everybody has an ex or multiple ones ! So this is probably something everyone of us is gonna run into.

    Kim.. I feel curious. What would your feelings be if he had stepped up and taken care of your needs, computer, condo etc and chose to continue helping her as well? Would you still be offended and put off?

    There are so many different dynamics in broken relationships and families. Many things drive us our attitudes. At its root you have encountered this so you can feel what is acceptable and not acceptable and decide what works and doesn’t for you.

  49.  #49Liquid Light on August 30, 2014 at 7:30 pm

    Well I met MM today and had a fun time. He’s an interesting man and smart. I’m not sure if there’s “any there there” but it was flattering to have him drive from far away to see me. He seemed a bit femmy in some ways, not as masculine as I hoped, so it was a bit disappointing in that way. My ex was hyper masculine so its pretty tough to find anyone who measures up to that.

    I wore a new dress and he wanted to meet at a coffee shop. But when I got there, he wasn’t there. So I waited around and was getting tons of attention. All of the single guys there were smiling at me and trying to get my attention. Saying hello when I made brief eye contact. I can only guess that it was the dress and the heels. It was kinda wild. Anyway he arrived after a bit and we went to a restaurant to eat.

    Then at one point, I left to go feed the parking meter and a guy I walked by kept saying hello and complimenting me. Then when I walked back from the parking meter he yelled out his phone number. I don’t think that’s ever happened to me before. It was kinda crazy. I guess I should wear a dress more often…wow!!!

  50.  #50Jay Tee on August 30, 2014 at 7:35 pm

    Hi, I haven’t really participated in blogs before (esp this type) but have enjoyed hearing some of the your personal experiences. As I read them and thinking about my own life I felt happy, sad and inspired.

    I, like most of you are on a journey to loving ourselves more, so that we can believe we are deserving of a having great man in our life. My biggest learning in this experience is learning to express and notice what I am feeling in any given situation. It often means being vulnerable and I am not used to this…but I learnt that unlesss I am vulnerable I can’t let anyone ‘in’ (so to speak).

    I have practised meditation before, but not sexual meditation. It was a amazing expereince. It felt pretty sexy (to say the least) and very hot! Did have to keep bringing myself back to breathing and feeling connected, aware and noticing which is alway a challenge in meditation. I hope to continue to persue this type of meditation.

  51.  #51Kim on August 30, 2014 at 7:39 pm

    Linda, good question.
    If he had offered me help, and if he was all-in, i e committed to me, and moving the relationship forward, I believe I would not have been as triggered as I was.
    Perhaps I would still feel jealous, a little, but more accepting.

    It would be different also if they had kids together…I would have to accept this type of interaction.

    Generally though, I am not feeling accepting of this particular aituation for various reasons. I am sure it will be pretty hard for him to find a woman that will be. Neither of them, either his or his ex, ever dated anyone again after they split up almost 8 years ago… me, it’s very telling.

    When we first dated, he was always unavailable on Sundays…and often I would not hear from him for days. I always thought he was dating someone else at the time, and the fact he never stepped up, well then I explained it by him seeing another woman. Turned out that, no, he was not dating another woman, he was spending Sundays and other days helping his ex with her things or hanging out….of whatever. It transpired after a while because he would say he is doing something for/with a friend….it wasn’t a friend, it was her.
    So even very early on, my intuition picked up other woman vibes and ‘not all in because still involved with another woman’ vibes….before I even knew the truth..
    I find our intuition is amazing.

  52.  #52Liquid Light on August 30, 2014 at 7:52 pm

    Kim, actions always speak louder than words. His actions are communicating where his priorities are. The fact that you are going along up with that (wanting him to change AND hanging out with him when he prioritizes his ex) is telling him that, even though you complain about it, you are OK with that. So the long and the short of it is that he has no motivation to change his behavior. Just my 2 cents.

  53.  #53Kim on August 30, 2014 at 8:03 pm

    51. Well, yes and no. He is oretty sneaky about the ex stuff because he knows it bothers me…and I can’t say he prioritized her recently. I felt pretty much a priority.
    I think there is just that nagging feeling, knowing that he is not 100% committed to me, and that he jumps as soon as she snips her fingers..nevermind my situation.
    Part of that is also my insecurity.
    Though I made my mind up that *my* future man is going to have me as a priority and not have such strong attachments to other women, and that *my* future man wants the same things as me for our future, i e living together and marriage.
    Else, if a relationship makes me feel bad and off balance, I feel so much better off alone.

  54.  #54Kim on August 30, 2014 at 8:04 pm

    Not even losing me ever motivated him to change his behaviour too much, so it was a lost cause in many ways

  55.  #55Liquid Light on August 30, 2014 at 8:12 pm

    I just think that’s it a vibe thing on a really gut level. The fact that you are analyzing this from every angle is the key. He picks up on the vibe and knows that you are overly wrapped up on an energetic level. Its not something that analytical at all. I bet that as soon as your vibe changes, and you are energetically detached from him (because you don’t want a man who can’t give you what you want) or someone else comes along who has that vibe, he’ll do a 180 and will not jump up for his ex when she snaps her fingers any more, his ex will disappear, and he’ll snap to attention. Just my (additional) 2 cents = 4 cents. 😉

  56.  #56Kim on August 30, 2014 at 8:28 pm

    Liquid Light! I love your take on this.
    I agree!
    I believe he might be back when I have totally given up and given up energy on this whole scenario.
    I doubt he would ever give the ex up. Runs too deep on many levels. Whether I give it energy or not…20 years of codependency…I know the whole story…lol.

    It’s all good. I am not taking him back unless there is a commitment and then the other stuff would feel more bearable perhaps…it hasn’t happened in over a year, so i am not holding my breath 🙂
    In fact I just got back from a date 🙂
    Moving on..

  57.  #57Kim on August 30, 2014 at 8:29 pm

    I want 6 cents now lol

  58.  #58Emerson on August 30, 2014 at 9:25 pm


  59.  #59Emerson on August 30, 2014 at 9:34 pm

    I feel like I’m at the point where I’m tired of repeating the same lessons over and over with recycledCD.
    Why do I let him back in and why am I not able to maintain no contact? He ends up contacting me and begging to see me. I give in. We become “friends” again. We end up sleeping together or fooling around. He disappears. He is unavailable. I feel empty and angry even tho I know this is what’s going to happen. Then the cycle starts over. Very frustrating.

  60.  #60Femininewoman on August 30, 2014 at 10:18 pm

    Emerson he does it simply because he knows without a shadow of a doubt you will take him back. Words don’t really mean anything to these guys they love sex so much they will say anything. It is up to you to honor yourself and hold your boundary

  61.  #61Femininewoman on August 30, 2014 at 10:31 pm

    Can a man value you more than you value yourself? I dunno. I believe you are the teacher so he learns that lesson from you.

  62.  #62Emerson on August 30, 2014 at 11:10 pm

    Thanks FW, I hear what you’re saying. I met him when I was in a vulnerable place, very fragile and weak after ToxicEX a few years back.
    At that time, I felt numb and started a “relationship” or “dating” or something with RecycledCD and it was great for a while….
    but he was going thru a divorce and once it was final, he ended up with another girl, not me!!!

    WTF am I still even talking to him for?? Because it’s crumbs and sometimes I feel starved for male affection and crumbs sound so good. I feel sad to admit that.

    I feel like i’m brought back to that place of feeling fragile when I go thru this with him. I may need to change my number, its such a hassle.

  63.  #63Emerson on August 30, 2014 at 11:14 pm

    I thought I valued myself but something happened to me after ToxicEX, I felt so damaged and devastated and fragile and scared…
    I glazed over and felt numb for a while an that’s when I met recycledCD.
    It’s like it started this weird pattern of me not valuing myself over and over…
    maybe I need to forgive myself for something??

    I’m highly sensitive so for me to glaze over and go numb, it was really weird. I’ve always been optimistic and happy and it just crushed me everything that htappend with ToxicEX, he was horible. How could I let it affect me so much!

  64.  #64Emerson on August 30, 2014 at 11:15 pm

    I feel so annoyed with myself and I feel angry with RecycledCD, ToxicEX, and even CollegeEX. I feel angry that they didn’t value me enough to be faithful. I don’t know if I can trust a man since the ones I have loved the most cheated on me. Maybe that’s why I felt numb…and to be honest…still kinda do…

  65.  #65Indigo on August 31, 2014 at 12:47 am

    Kim 36,

    “Indigo, I think a situation where the man asks you to give up other men, and yet he is playing the hero for the ex would be unacceptable to me. Not to you?”

    Kim, if you read my post I state very clearly that I would express my wants and don’t wants, I would express that I don’t want a relationship like this, and then I would REMOVE myself. What I would not do, is allow myself to get dragged into a fight or negotiation or feeling “hurt” or letting it steal my peace of mind.

    Nowhere did I say I found this acceptable or desirable – I do not…

    What I did say is that I would approach this from an empowered place. So what if he wants me to give up other men? I don’t have to do it. I reserve the right to make up my own mind about what I will and will not let into my life – including things that make me angry – where I am not committed to the man, thank you very much.

  66.  #66Indigo on August 31, 2014 at 12:53 am

    The honest truth of the matter is that I have found, like Dominique says, that you are more likely to get what you want in the long run by radically accepting a man, focusing on what you can love, and letting go of the outcome…

    Rather than wailing against what is, and beating your fists against a brick wall. The only person it hurts is you. Whereas *allowing* what is happening in your life, accepting that that’s the way it’s meant to be and trusting that it is there to heal you, brings more of a flow for things to change.

  67.  #67Indigo on August 31, 2014 at 1:01 am

    Feminine Woman 42,

    “I wonder if she has told him that they might be better together as friends rather than as a couple why he doesn’t feel anything she asks him to do as pressure? If he feels rejection from her he would unconsciously try to win her back.”

    This is very wise. I know back when I was going through a phase of being eaten up inside because I was focusing on all the things I imagined D was “doing” for his friends when he wouldn’t do those same things for me, I came up against the realization that friendship and romantic relationships are really two different things, and have almost nothing to do with each other. He did for his friends because it was easy emotionally; there were no “strings attached” as it were. With me, everything meant so much more. He would still do things for me, but it would require more of him – more thought, more investment. It would “mean” something. In many ways, he gave me so much more than he gave to his friends, but I couldn’t see it at the time. I can now mostly see that and it helps me to appreciate what is there, and not to compare myself with his friends.

  68.  #68Veronica on August 31, 2014 at 2:30 am

    I found this article by Rori so helpful, thank you Rori x

    “Why A Man Does What He Does

    This is in answer to a comment by sifsgoldwig – (here’s the comment->) after a break up, and I thought my comment might help you, too:

    I thank you, sifsgoldwig, for your heartfelt story and the great questions it brings up. I can’t help you specifically to understand this situation – because spending ANY time, energy or heart at all in trying to figure out WHY a man does something is wasteful and useless, and will bring down your self-esteem and get you stuck in your brain, trying to “solve” problems instead of feel your way through things.

    The bottom line all comes to ATTRACTION. A man who is “toxic” or immature, or in any way simply incapable of building the “muscle” necessary for being in a close, intimate relationship with a woman CANNOT be “fixed” by WILLING him, requesting him, or trying to “teach” him.

    Attraction is a combination of YOUR inner strength, boundaries, and sense of SAFETY with yourself, physical and emotional chemistry which is completely beyond your control, and your ability to be open, vulnerable, in touch with and aware of yourself and your emotions, and the depth and clarity of how you express and share yourself with a man.

    Once all that is in play, a relationship evolves and expands through how you both experience moments between you, and depends completely on the capacities of each of you to KEEP evolving, expanding and connecting with each other.

    At any time, a man may walk away because he just can’t move forward. He either can’t, or he doesn’t want to. And the only way his reasons can be useful to know is how knowing those reasons can improve YOUR ability to evolve, expand, have boundaries and yet be soft and open – for the next, much better man who will show up.That’s why it’s so important to not concern yourself with HIS issues – but only to keep working on your own.

    You didn’t “lose him” by telling him how you felt. There are many, many more things going on here, and I hope my step-by-step processes shine light on those for you and help you go to a new place where everything will be much easier and more fulfilling.

    Love, Rori”

  69.  #69Millie on August 31, 2014 at 3:01 am

    Ladies, I don’t know what to do…
    I’ve been keeping to myself and not initiating any contact with men, including mechanic. I’ve been avoiding him. Tonight there was an art show, I knew was showing at, but I really wanted to go because a lot of my other friends were showing too. I got all sassy hot looking and went. I flirting with other men and had a great time with other people, but I COULD not help noticing mechanic. I couldn’t help noticing him kiss another woman, be all over her….It hurt so much. I’m worried for myself because this pain is unbearable. This man doesn’t even deserve my attention and yet I cannot let go of this pain. I want to tell him, but my mother says do share how you feel with people who do not care. My feelings are so immense and trapped, it literally hurts. I wish I could tell him everything, but if he wants to sleep around with women that is his deal and I should hold no opinion. And yet I do…because I feel I know him on a level beyond player mode, at least I thought I did, until I got tricked. I feel played and I’m angry! Theres is so much anger and tears I can’t stop crying and bawling. I feel hate towards him. Is all this really towards myself??? I don’t know how to get rid of this tangled spagetti of feelings…please help! Do I tell him and say I can’t be around him anymore? I can’t keep pretending, I can avoid him, but that means avoiding most everyone else too…..
    AHHHHHHHH I hate this part.

  70.  #70Femininewoman on August 31, 2014 at 3:04 am

    Happy Labor Day weekend!

    Whatever you’re doing, have an amazing time and do it with passion!

    I don’t want to start counting down the weeks to Thanksgiving but you don’t need me to tell you it isn’t THAT far away already!

    You know I’m not the kind of guy who sits around and waits for life to happen…

    But it’s a sharp reminder why you should make the most of every moment.

    Don’t waste a second dwelling on why a guy hasn’t called, or why a relationship didn’t work out.

    Every second you waste is a second you’ll never get back.

    Anyway, on to today’s email…

    Why don’t men commit?

    If I had a dollar for every time a woman asked me that, I’d be paying for every woman I’ve ever coached to come live on my own private island!

    Let’s try to give you a clear answer to this common puzzler so you don’t have anymore sleepless nights trying to work out what’s going on with a man.

    There are dozens of reasons men won’t commit, but one of the biggest reasons is if he’s using you.

    Some guys are serial users and don’t intend to settle down with anybody. He won’t open up, but he’ll keep you around as long as he can.

    Why wouldn’t he?

    You’re fulfilling some of his needs.

    Here are 5 ways to tell if the man you’re with is a user…

    1. He’ll text you during the day when he’s bored at work, but those texts dry up completely in the evening when he’s having fun.

    2. He’ll make excuses why he can’t see you tonight. He’ll see you on his terms, but the rest of the time he’s a flaker.

    3. He never talks about his feelings. Sometimes it’s almost like dating one of your friends.

    4. His favorite time to call you is after 10pm when he’s “missing you.” Most the time he just wants to come and see you for some late night fun.

    5. He’ll have no problem spending time at your place, but if you mention staying at his, he’ll normally find an excuse why you can’t.

    There are other reasons, but these are some of the most common ones.

    So what do you do if you suspect you’re dating a user?

    Confront him!

    Ask him what his real intentions are, and see how he reacts.

    If he’s serious about you he’ll make a real effort to prove himself to you, if he just freaks out and gets the hump, you caught him out!

    Tell him to grab his grubby toothbrush and dirty underwear, and to go find some other fool!

    You deserve better!


    Your friend,

    David Wygant

  71.  #71Femininewoman on August 31, 2014 at 3:22 am

    Emerson it is about making conscious choices. You don’t have to change your number. All you have to do is either text him to not contact you, don’t take his calls or block his number. It is a choice to make.

    I have admit also that your posts read to me like you believe you are a victim or your feelings. Like they overtake you like an approaching tornado you don’t know is coming. So when it hits you are out in the open and get swept away. I am sorry that I have to disagree. Many times it is our thoughts that feed into these feelings of desperation and the choices we make. When I am busy I don’t find myself pining for male attention. It seems odd to me that you say your schedule at times is so busy with work that it is hard to meet up with people or am I confusing you with someone else.

    If you do have so much free time to be pining how about signing up for a class or volunteering at a food kitchen or someplace where you can serve people less fortunate than yourself? It seems you throw out there that you are gonna do this and gonna do then then in a few you show up again suggesting that you have nothing to do so you end up in the same situation with some guy. It seems to me that both of you are using each other to break the boredom. I am not trying to make you wrong here I am trying to suggest that you focus on what you are saying and doing then make some conscious choices and follow through on them for your own sanity. When you get into your fifties and sixties you look back at your life and sometimes judge yourself. You want to be able to find some things that you can feel proud of.

  72.  #72Femininewoman on August 31, 2014 at 3:30 am

    This recycleCD can end up rinsing and repeating for the next 10 years if you allow it. You called him recycle for a reason. Next thing you know you might wake up one day realising that you can no longer have kids, if you want them, and still recycling recycled in an on again off again non-lationship.

    Take yourself and your life seriously else no one else will.

  73.  #73Sophie on August 31, 2014 at 3:32 am

    (((millie))) I don’t envy your situation at all. To have such a big trigger in your face when all you want to do is move on past it. Whilst it’s causing you so much emotional pain it has power and energy. I personally would try and avoid any situation that would trigger that in me – at least until I felt less raw and vulnerable to it. I would need some time to allow it to lose it’s momentum. I would wrap myself in cotton wool and allow myself to heal – as though from a break up – from a distance. That said I hear that that means removing yourself from some of your social circle for a while and I don’;t know how that must feel but…does it feel fun to be there anyway, under those circumstances? I’m not sure what it would achieve to talk with him…are there expectations behind it? I still think you are doing absolutely brilliantly. You are feeling and expressing your emotions…and to us. In my former life and actually in the lives of my friends we would not necessarily have managed that situation with the dignity that you have.

  74.  #74Indigo on August 31, 2014 at 3:35 am


    “I thought I valued myself but something happened to me after ToxicEX, I felt so damaged and devastated and fragile and scared…”

    This is where your work is. Maybe it seems as though having enough, or the right, positive attention from men will heal this for you… but you have to do this for yourself. Believe me when I say, your own self-love feels so much better than any man’s love ever could… and once you can love yourself, you can truly appreciate and enjoy the love of a good man. But the self-love comes first. Don’t beat yourself up. Forgive yourself and just keep absolutely showering and smothering yourself with love and acceptance any way you can.

  75.  #75Femininewoman on August 31, 2014 at 3:48 am

    Millie I believe if you talk to him he will see you as another crazy. He told you already what he is about and what he wants in his life. He is obviously staying true to himself and enjoying his life. Believe that your words will mean nothing to him or that he won’t understand because he sees you as a grown woman who knows what she is doing and making her own choices. He assumed when you got involved with him that you knew what you were doing.

  76.  #76Ignis on August 31, 2014 at 4:02 am

    Hi Ladies!

    Sorry for disappearing on you some post ago when you gave me so much feedback and attention. I feel so grateful for all your input and comments and answers and love.

    I feel way more open to the world now than just last week. It still feels totally crazy at times but things slowly start to calm down again. I got so many “aha” moments lately I just had to give myself time to process it all.

    After I started working through all the beliefs I had about myself and doing the tools I still felt off, I just could not really involve in anything and was feeling not connected. And baby step by baby step I am discovering things and seeing more of myself and my patterns. I discovered I usually stop doing what is working just about it is to start really working. Like with training, I was training over a year now, lost 30 kg, and now I am just 5kg away from my target, and boom, I am getting sick and tired and finding literally every excuse possible to not get to my target. And it was the same with the tools, i never really did this one and out of the window tool, like really focused and did them, while it was probably those I needed the most. Cause while I manage to stop myself before i use to much energy on my ex then i just use it on getting another man, I just saw it yesterday how I unconsciously do it all the time. How my life revolves around men and lack of them and not around me, and wow i mean wow, i had no clue!

    But this is really amazing because I more and more know what i do not want and I just need to find my own way not to be where I do not want to be. And I feel way more good about myself now than i did just a month ago, not mentioning how far i got since last year. So now I want to be more involved in my life and what I am doing. i want to be more involved with the people I have in front of me and I want to be more involved with you girls, cause you help me way more than I could ever imagine. Sending you all a big big bigggggg hug 🙂

  77.  #77Kim on August 31, 2014 at 5:22 am

    So many great posts to read this morning from you!

    Well, I feel frustrated and lonely today and determined to turn it around. I have decided not to stress about finding work, or the future or selling my condo for one day. I decided not to stress over men.

    I miss MoM despite everything, we spent a lot of nice times together recently, but I am not going to waste more thoughts on ‘woulda shoulda coulda’….I did the best I could and we do not want the same things. 🙁

    Yesterday my gf had arranged a date wit a man who looks at least 20 years older than me, very unattractive and totally unsuitable, doesn’t have remotely a personality or interests that align with mine. So I practised. Went home. Felt angry and WTF for my friend to think this is the type of man I deserve for me. I would not have fixed up any of my friends with this man…but I trust that this ws good intention.
    It left me feeling less than, like, does my gf think I should settle for someone like that? Whoa.
    No judgment anymore. He was pleasant. She was trying to do her best. Most likely.

    MrP contacted me to ask if I would barter sex with boating, and I said no. Incredulous. He then texted me saying he was bored as there was nothing else to do (last night), presumably wanting me to invite him? Lol.
    I just said I am sorry he is bored and wished him a nice

    A 26 year old I had a few dates with, and briefly was a lover, wanted to go out with me today. At first I said yes, and then I changed my mind as this is just about sex and I am not interested.

    It is hard to not feel frustrated right now, but you know what? I have decided to force myself out of this funk.

    Now, I have decided today to just please myself and date the one person that always has my back and nobody elses, the person that loves me unconditionally, the person that is cute, sweet, has a nice body and is fun to spend time with.

    I decided to date ME for the whole day. I decided to talk and listen level 2 to myself, love myself, only do things I enjoy and if I feel sad and lonely then I will love my feelings.

    I do not need to further engage with men that are not coming towards me, men that I do not enjoy dating, men that just want sex or men that hit me up when all other women are busy and they are bored.

    I make ME the priority today and will do nothing but have fun.

  78.  #78Kim on August 31, 2014 at 5:25 am

    Even if it really doesn’t come naturally today.
    Naturally, I had the compulsion to beat myself up today, for making mistakes, I was doubting myself, feeling less-than and like I will always be alone. I started the day sabotaging me.

    No more. Time to root for me.

  79.  #79teresa on August 31, 2014 at 6:44 am


    I understand completely #58. I am also tired of repeating the same situation over and over again with G. He would be upset…..I would give him time to rethink and then get back with him. Or he would contact me when he was happy and needed something. I ask myself the same question now. Why did I let it go on for 2 years???? He is unavailable!!!! I feel angry, defeated and miserable at times. I often wonder if I was in that “imaginary relationship” that Rori speaks about. I feel at my age I figured I would be different….apparently not. 🙁

    We will move past all of this and become stronger on the inside and feminine on the outside. This is my goal for 2014.

  80.  #80teresa on August 31, 2014 at 7:44 am


    Needing some advice….
    I have decided not to CD until I figure out what I want and stop the same old patterns of dating. I start my private coaching on Tuesday. Do you think stopping CD for several weeks (6-8) or should I continue CDing during the coaching process?

  81.  #81Azure Blu on August 31, 2014 at 8:25 am

    I feel very proud of you and how you handled MoM and his situation with his ex…
    You said alll the right things… shared your feelings with him and your boundaries!!!

    You deserve MUCH more!!!
    #76… LOVE all this… YOU LOVING YOU!!!
    I am inspired!
    “I decided to talk and listen level 2 to myself, ” This is sooo Great!

  82.  #82Kim on August 31, 2014 at 8:31 am

    Awww Azure Blu. Thank you. I missed your upliftin comments. How have you been?

    I must admit, I am not feeling great…and am procrastinating at home. I shall force myself to get out there now.
    I am trying really hard not to get stuck.
    Trying hard to be loving to myself when all I want to do is punish me by staying inside and feeling sorry for myself.

    No. I need to get out into nature and soothe my soul.

    I miss him, he treated me nicely and was very loving and kind and affectionate. Though I have to wade through short term pain for long term gain. It could not have gone on like this. Without feeling safe and secure, every new phonecall from the ex demanding him and his time, would have had me feel off balance and bad and sad and jealous.
    So, here I am.

  83.  #83Azure Blu on August 31, 2014 at 8:37 am

    teresa #78
    You sound VERY sireny!!
    THIS is sooo amazing… YOU working on stopping YOUR patterns!!

    as far as Cding or Not… For me…It really is what feels best… I have quite off and on to regroup and concentrate on ME… Then when I felt I was ready I started up again… Totally your call..
    I received great help from the Rori coaches I know you will too…

  84.  #84Azure Blu on August 31, 2014 at 8:43 am

    ((((Kim)))) hugs to you BRAVE siren!!!
    It is good to see you back on Siren Island!!! oxoxo

    Yes, you put it soooo welll… short term pain for long term happiness…
    YOU deserve MUCH more than playing 2nd fiddle to an ex!!!
    AND you gave your relationship with MoM Lots of chances…
    I feel angry reading about how he wouldn’t help YOU out at all
    with YOUR handy man stuff
    BUT helps ex at a seconds notice!!!

    I am sending you LOVE and huggggsss!!!
    I am finding the MORE I have been LOVING on ME
    the less and less my NV appear and the LESS
    anxiety I experience!!!
    Which is HUGE for ME… I have been plauged by HIGH ANXIETY FOR ALL MY LIFE>>>
    I am feeling soooo good now!!!

  85.  #85Azure Blu on August 31, 2014 at 8:57 am

    Spirit invited me out Thurs. and Frid.
    We had a Wonderful time!!!

    We are getting closer… I just discovered he is on POF (so am I)…
    He had viewed me when we first went out… but he isn’t very active and so he hadn’t come up in my search…
    So it seemed like an elephant in the room (not talking about this)
    I brought it up last night… I didn’t use feeling messages…. :-(( He really didn’t want to talk about it much… we talked about needing to be in a committed relationship to have sex… We both agreed it’s only been 1 month… I said
    “It’s only been one month… this is the best I can do”
    I feel sooooo good that I am able to talk about topics I want to discuss…
    I feel I got out of my body last night…
    I get agitated and Very playful and silly…
    It could be I was feeling toooo emotionally close to him…
    I think I got scared…
    I told him I loved him (He tells me a lot) I don’t thing I do love him… getting there though!! :->

    I am bringing MY energy back to ME…
    I’m still feeling agitated…

  86.  #86Kim on August 31, 2014 at 9:03 am

    YOU are brave bringing up dicey topics Azure!
    I find that almost impossible. I flipped out when I found mom on pof a few months back…
    I have a lot to learn…

  87.  #87Azure Blu on August 31, 2014 at 9:10 am

    Now that I am thinking about last night…
    I was careful to only have two glasses of wine…
    But maybe I need to cut it back to one…
    I think how I was acting last night…
    We were getting a lot of attention from everyone…
    perfect strangers (we are both very attractive people)
    I felt like a princess… I felt happy and spoiled!!

    I just don’t like feeling my energy out of my body like that!!! I can be playful and fun without going over the top… I can monitor it better if I’ve only had one glass of wine…

  88.  #88April Rose on August 31, 2014 at 10:49 am


    I hear you. ((((Millie))))
    I don’t know exactly how your pain feels, but my pain feels just as you described.

    Mine has been going on for such a long time now. There is a pattern emerging – one day on, one day off!! I’m learning through this cycle, to recognise that the pain isn’t really me or my true feelings. When I try to create feeling messages about the pain, something feels off.

    So, I decided that when the pain is upon me, then I take myself off on my own and I talk to my inner little girl. I have been asking her – “Do you think that this feeling is ‘love’? So raw and painful?”

    I hug her and talk with her some more and let her cry, and she lets me cry, and we know that we are one and the same being.

    We have been turning things around, slowly.

    We have done ‘feelingizations’ together on how we want love to feel. (More effective to do this when not in the intensity of the pain – wait til it subsides).

    We are both feeling warm and excited about the prospect of our new life, and the choices we will make romantically.

    The pain still returns, but both of us can face it together and it seems to pass thru a little more easily each time.

    I don’t think it will ever be ‘banished’. It is a case of building a new relationship to the pain.

    Much love to you.

  89.  #89April Rose on August 31, 2014 at 10:49 am


    I hear you. ((((Millie))))
    I don’t know exactly how your pain feels, but my pain feels just as you described.

    Mine has been going on for such a long time now. There is a pattern emerging – one day on, one day off!! I’m learning through this cycle, to recognise that the pain isn’t really me or my true feelings. When I try to create feeling messages about the pain, something feels off.

    So, I decided that when the pain is upon me, then I take myself off on my own and I talk to my inner little girl. I have been asking her – “Do you think that this feeling is ‘love’? So raw and painful?”

    I hug her and talk with her some more and let her cry, and she lets me cry, and we know that we are one and the same being.

    We have been turning things around, slowly.

    We have done ‘feelingizations’ together on how we want love to feel. (More effective to do this when not in the intensity of the pain – wait til it subsides).

    We are both feeling warm and excited about the prospect of our new life, and the choices we will make romantically.

    The pain still returns, but both of us can face it together and it seems to pass thru a little more easily each time.

    I don’t think it will ever be ‘banished’. It is a case of building a new relationship to the pain.

    Much love to you.

  90.  #90April Rose on August 31, 2014 at 10:50 am

    Double posting. Oops. I wondered if it might speak to you, Purple?

  91.  #91Waterfall on August 31, 2014 at 12:14 pm


    Yay! Your date with you sounds fab. You are truly inspirational !

  92.  #92Kim on August 31, 2014 at 12:21 pm

    Thank you waterfall! Alone is my default anyway, so it comes naturally.
    I sit by the ocean, watching boats go by with a big Mojito…lol. Truly, it coul be a lot worse.
    Trying to live in the now!

  93.  #93Violette on August 31, 2014 at 12:24 pm

    Wow, AD was really coming towards me last night. He said he wants to marry me! This was our 4th date! I told him I want to take it slow, 2 dates a week…he wants to seem me more. He says he’s falling for me.

    Time will tell of course, for now I’m enjoying his adoring energy coming to me. He bought me a bouquet of orchids! So beautiful. I asked him not to call every day too, my boundaries are making him crazy, he wants me more of course, because he can’t have me as much as he wants…I can’t help but wonder what happens when I give him more. When he doesn’t have to work so hard.

    On a different note I innocently came across a news article about an ex boyfriend’s brother, who has amazing things going on in his career, and is of course, helping my ex, who has always had tons of people around him helping him! And here I am floundering, all alone, noone is helping me. It’s not fair! I hate him! Wow so triggered I could feel my face get hot. I have some releasing to do. I don’t need people to help me. I can help myself. I’m fabulous.

  94.  #94Liquid Light on August 31, 2014 at 12:33 pm

    Wow, Violette, that sounds like an amazing date! He wants you to marry him and its only the 4th date, wow! You are definitely a siren, girl, enjoy your exquisite sirenocity and have fun! So cool!

  95.  #95Kim on August 31, 2014 at 12:45 pm

    Violette – you go girl. OMGosh, that’s incredible

  96.  #96Liquid Light on August 31, 2014 at 12:45 pm

    Now that I’ve had some time to reflect on my date with MM yesterday, I’m feeling so disappointed and a bit repulsed. Sorry gonna vent a little now, just giving you a heads up in case you want to skip this post 😉

    He could hardly keep track of anything, much less plan out his trip to my area. He kept asking me questions as if looking to me for guidance. And we ended up sitting at the table in the restaurant for over an hour before we even ordered food. I was absolutely famished. Grrr.

    Then because of his lack of planning, he wasn’t able to find a hotel room (holiday weekend and all) and ended up driving back home late at night.

    He really misrepresented himself in his profile. He came across as someone who had his **** together but the reality of it is that his story kept unraveling the more time he spoke – where he lives, his past relationship, his job. He was so scattered and off the wall when he spoke about what he did for work, I still have no idea what he does. I feel like I had a date with a lunatic and got to peer into the mind of someone who was literally bordering on being out of touch with reality. What a nightmare!!!

    I’m just so sick of these men from online who misrepresent themselves, and are really just men who mooch off of women and can hardly keep their lives together. GRRRRR!!!!

  97.  #97Linda on August 31, 2014 at 12:57 pm

    Emerson, it seems you are on the right tract and you have all the power here. FW gave you some really right on things to consider. Indigo’s words are right on too. Be kind to yourself as you process this topic.

    If it were me I would not change my number or block. To me it would feel like I am hiding and still giving my power away some how. Instead when you hear from him… don’t respond. I heard from P two weeks ago and I just did not respond. It was an opportunity to do right by me! I felt a bit melancholy about stuff/him for a couple of days… but in the end my honoring myself and my decision to not communicate anymore with him caused my self-confidence and self-respect level to soar!

  98.  #98Linda on August 31, 2014 at 1:15 pm

    I was out running errands earlier today. Doing things on my “honey do” list for me. I went to my favorite mexican restaurant first and had a bite of lunch. The greater is a friend man and asked how many. I said one. He said just one? A pretty lady like you alone today? “No husband? boyfriend” why?

    Now I have to say that this would have been a big awful trigger for me and it has been in the past. Today…it wasnt! Genuinely it wasnt! I said, smiled and looked him in the eye and said “I’m picky”.

    I am usually fine, eating alone, being alone, even go to the movies alone. Today I felt extra okay with it .

  99.  #99Linda on August 31, 2014 at 1:16 pm

    I meant to say “greeter was a friendly man” silly typo’s

  100.  #100Kim on August 31, 2014 at 1:20 pm

    Violette, that actually really also have nobody who helps me and I am in a tricky situation that whole MoM thing, him helping the ex, triggered me even more.

    I am sick of trying to outgirl him and her and her cats on top of it lol. WTF. I am angry too.

    And I am strong also. I don’t ‘need’ anyone, I can help myself. If that means I lose a man because he would rather play the hero for an ex, who can’t manage her life by herself, including finances, pet sitting, computer issues and God knows what else, so be it. I am not that type of woman. Neither will I ever be.

    Then he can feel good about that and sit in his little dingy apartment, with no relationship, just a co-dependent ex.
    If that is what he wants, fine. (Anger, anger lol)

    I want a man who wants me, wants to commit, wants to take things further. When I leave here, I will not be able to come back for a decade due to restrictions. Any man who is dating me for over a year and has no problem not seeing me again, ever, is not ‘good enough’ for me.
    It feel so bad now that I even gave him the pleasure of my company and my body…he called me selfish.
    Yes, I am selfish. I want my company and my body to be available to someone who cherishes me, loves me and can’t wait to live with me and marry me.
    That’s what i want!
    Anything less – not acceptable. I can fix my problems myself. Lucky me!

  101.  #101Kim on August 31, 2014 at 1:24 pm

    Linda, the same thing happened to me today. A server at the beachside restaurant said ‘just one, all by yourself?’ As if she felt gutted for me.
    I replied ‘yes, just me, unfortunately, but I am having a great time nevertheless’ and she was all happy and smiley and said ‘good for you!’

  102.  #102Linda on August 31, 2014 at 1:32 pm

    When I was driving to the grocery I saw a man drive by who caught my eye. As I was sitting at the light , I actually said out loud to myself in the car… “I want an attractive man that is secure in himself, his finances and is emotionally healthy… not all wounded, barely making it and insecure”….

    You know what Liquid Light… come to think of it, just about every guy I have run across in the last 5 years has been much like what you described. I want something different too. I am sick of men who have been married 3 times… no money… no home.. filled with angst at their multiple ex’s and dont have their sh*t together! (sorry just ranting)

  103.  #103Kim on August 31, 2014 at 1:38 pm

    Ranting feels good sometimes, Linda.
    Look at my posts 🙂
    I get that. I also want someone who has their lives together.
    In all kinds of ways.
    I don’t have it all together myself, but I have worked hard to have a home and I worked hard and continue to do so, on my issues.
    The least I feel deserving of is a man who is cognizant of his own issues, or at least open to learn and grow with a woman, and can look after himself financially.
    That’s not asking too much.
    We are amazkng women, we deserve good and stable men also.

  104.  #104Liquid Light on August 31, 2014 at 1:42 pm

    Amen to that Linda 101 and Kim 102!!!

  105.  #105teresa on August 31, 2014 at 1:52 pm

    I agree Linda #101
    From my understanding G sister told me he has dated many women since his divorce in 2009 which was ugly. She said it was like a game for him. He would hang around for awhile and then find some reason to end it. I am considering it toxic. She said I was the first he has dated for this length of time. Funny thing is G is a ladies man. Started off with flowers….told me he loved me after two months. Always asked my opinion about everything. Heck we even went on a fabulous vacation in July to Florida. One month later it is over. So yes I agree I am looking for someone that wants me for who I am. Everyone has baggage it just depends on how you deal with that baggage.

  106.  #106Millie on August 31, 2014 at 1:55 pm

    Thank you Sophie, Femininewoman, and April Rose. It feels good to be heard and spoken to with such soft honesty. I cried and bawled when I got home last night and acted upon nothing. When I woke up the urge to talk to him was gone. I’m tired of carrying this pain around. Like a bruise repeatedly punched, even though I’m doing the punching. I don’t want to go out preparing myself for hurt, I want to have fun, I need to give myself that. I need a “breakup” boot camp. Even though we ere never together. I wish I could fully remain on top through all of this…. I KNOW what I want and that I deserve a lot more than is capable of giving, but I don’t FEEL that way. I really want my mind and body on the same page.

    Sophie, your right. I need to give myself more time away from the social circle.

    Feminine woman you are right too, I am at fault here and expressing how I feel is my problem not his. I cannot bear to feed his ego with any undeserved affecrion.

    April Rose, these feelings are most definitely not love. Thank you for sharing your processing.

  107.  #107Femininewoman on August 31, 2014 at 2:15 pm

    teresa I would not judge G. He sounds like a man who knows what he wants and goes after it. I believe a man who has dated a lot knows himself well and know the time of woman he would want in his life.

  108.  #108Femininewoman on August 31, 2014 at 2:15 pm

    Sorry the “type”

  109.  #109Femininewoman on August 31, 2014 at 2:18 pm

    No fault Millie. You are learning and it is good to ask yourself the tough questions so you can connect with your higher self.

  110.  #110Oshun on August 31, 2014 at 3:12 pm

    Happy Sunday Sirens!

    I have been surrounded by love all weekend and it feels great. Things are winding down and I realize you can CD with your family.

    Last night I went out with a guy friend. He came to a family function earlier in the day and my family liked him. Anyway, last night he and I went out and made a move. I blocked it. Only because anytime he makes a move it’s always been after a night of drinking. I shared that with him. He stopped and thought then said we have to go out without alcohol then. And we do & have a great time. Then he asked about M. I told him M was out of the picture and he asked was I serious. I confirmed then he said yeah we will have to start going out more. He’s been a friend for a while, one of my best friends, and he’s always been interested. I have either ignore, rejected, or listened to him inquire but say he’s not ready for a relationship. I don’t know what will happen but I will add him to the CD rotation if that ends up being the case.

    It just felt good. That is what being pursued by a man feels like. And when I expressed how I felt about the timing of his approach he stopped and thought then adapted. It just felt good.

  111.  #111RileyTheOwl on August 31, 2014 at 3:18 pm

    I feel loved and adored…. Mmm I just want to bask in this feeling, stretched out on my bed with the sunlight shining in on me 🙂 I can feel the suns energy filling me up.

  112.  #112Mandy on August 31, 2014 at 4:07 pm

    Thanks Dominique!

    Popping in for a sec…I got off-track with J and got back on track by just being still.

    I was being way too impatient. I got my patience back and I have to say, just stick with it. If you stick with it it will come around for you, even when it seems like it never will..

  113.  #113Beloved on August 31, 2014 at 4:33 pm

    I feel in disagreement with Linda’s perspective – 96

    For me, it felt very empowering to admit my weakness. I had been playing the “Oh, I’m stronger than that” game with myself, only to cave and recycle again and again and again. When I finally found Baggage Reclaim and Rori, I knew I had to do something differently.

    Instead of deleting his number, I changed his name in my phone to “don’t you f*cking DARE answer this phone or call this number!”

    To keep myself from emailing him impulsively, I made his nickname in my email contacts something similar – “don’t you dare send this f*cking email, send it to yourself and check your drafts folder!”

    In my drafts folder, there was a letter I had written to myself reminding me of all of the reasons I was going NC, and all of the reasons it was a Bad Idea to try to reach out to this guy.

    When I finally could admit my own patterns to myself, I could finally do what I needed to do to actually break them.

    What’s going on with Emerson doesn’t sound as extreme, but I was very very extremely attracted to major trouble. As in, guy with an FBI record and Supreme Court case trouble. Columbian drug lord trouble. Another ex who pimped out one of his next girlfriends, treated her so crappy she ended up overdosing and he sat there while she died instead of calling 911 kind of trouble (and this guy is a Well Known semi-celebrity in town with a gazillion people who will swear what a Nice Guy he is). There was even worse that I won’t get into because I don’t want to dwell on it and no need to trigger anyone.

    Even after all that, I got hooked on an unavailable hustler type at work (sirens may remember all that riffing early last year?!) but still, the strength I had gained kept me from falling completely into my old pattern. I did chase him in my mind, but never called him or try to worm my way into his life. When he stopped speaking to me, it felt agonizing but by then I felt strong enough to just let it burn, let it go and riff on the blog like crazy without trying to make it ok.

    Which led to me leaving that job, which led to a better job, which led to me being in school and feeling very fiercely protective of the peace and goodness I’ve cultivated since then.

  114.  #114prplpsn28 on August 31, 2014 at 4:35 pm

    Something happened while I was out with my kids today. As we walked into this one store there was an older gentleman greeting people and he looked at me and said “I see your out shopping with your siblings”. It took me a second but then I smiled at him and said “Aaw, thank you so much”. It made me feel good. My kids said that was very sweet. I needed that 🙂

  115.  #115Beloved on August 31, 2014 at 4:37 pm

    It feels so odd, to reflect and remember what it felt like to feel as if I was garbage and offer myself to men to abuse and toss away. I couldn’t see it then, yet in hindsight I can see clearly how desperately I felt I deserved that.

  116.  #116Kim on August 31, 2014 at 4:50 pm

    Beloved, what a great idea. I am going to do the same with my folders and phone, so I am neverr tempted to reach out to MoM again. I love that!
    I will delete the number and try and do what you did with the email.
    I do think it is great to admit weaknesses and be authentic….but for me, also being aithentic means I am not going to play a damsel in distress just to outgirl someone else.
    Honestly, I never had to. Men either wanted to be with me or they didn’t, it seems like twisting oneself into a different kind of pretzel, in my situation, just to hope things would change….the fact that i can fix my things myself and look after myself has never deterred a man from me before, or made him run to another woman.
    That doesn’t mean I am not very very appreciative when he does something for me. I have always been very thankful, grateful and appreciative….
    Though in order to ourgirl a woman who can do nothing for herself, including not even paying her bills, I would have to start sleeping on a park bench, I suppose…lol.
    Too much work,
    I am who I am and if a man is not attracted to that, well…I definitely need work on admitting my weaknesses and fears, for sure, but I am not willing to put on an act and go to another extreme.
    It’s not easy for me.

  117.  #117Beloved on August 31, 2014 at 4:50 pm

    I feel relieved that I decided not to move in with S. I let her know I felt regret as soon as I sent the text that I felt we could work things out.

    I can deal with people forgetting things and being imperfect. What I feel averse to, is the way she started just making up stuff and telling me I said things I never said, then twisted and embellished what was said so she could make me seem wrong for even expecting to move in the day and time we agreed on. This on top of her not wanting “complicated” written agreements…err, no.

    Call me rigid and stodgy and overanalytic and complicated and difficult and whatever you may, I may be all that and I’m ok with it. I’m making my peace with it and I’m not interested in entangling with what feels like crazy making ever again, if I can help it.

    Crazymaking. Which I seemed to get more of when I talked to her today. I bit my tongue, it felt best not to engage and simply move on.

    I feel relieved noticing I feel attracted to people more similar to me, with more similar values. The less ‘wrong’ I feel, the more comfortable I feel with people who share my values and want the same things I want.

  118.  #118teresa on August 31, 2014 at 5:08 pm

    Femininewomen….I agree with you too a point. Do you think it would take 2 years to figure out if that person is the one? He knew where I stood because he asked me.

  119.  #119Linda on August 31, 2014 at 5:11 pm

    Beloved… Disagreeing is fine but not sure what you disagreeing with. It doesn’t matter if I have a number in my phone or not. It is in my brain memorized. My choice is still the same. Not responding and not contacting.

    If we want something different in our lives then when we figure out what that is then taking the steps to allow it..however and whatever it takes to do it is all that really matters.

  120.  #120teresa on August 31, 2014 at 5:12 pm

    I think my hardest part is I take people for face value. I do not judge. I’ve had several people tell me I am to trusting.

  121.  #121Beloved on August 31, 2014 at 5:13 pm

    I found one of the drafts and it made me smile to remember it.

    One of them is a mix of quotes and notes to myself:

    “If you’re in denial about the relationship being well and truly over, you may undermine your own NC efforts by quietly or openly seeking validation from them so you don’t feel rejected and so that you can keep the relationship alive.” (probably from Baggage Reclaim)

    “When you get trapped in your feelings it’s like ‘I can’t believe that they rejected me’ and ‘I can’t believe it’s over for good’ or ‘I can’t believe they don’t see how good we could have been together’ and other such trappings.” – BR (Natalie Lue)

    I CAN believe he rejected me. I CAN believe it’s over for GOOD. I CAN believe it’s over forever. I CAN accept that it’s over. I CAN believe that it’s over. I CAN I CAN I CAN I CAN.

    the good times don’t discount the ABUSIVENESS
    Coming up with the perfectly crafted apology will not make him love me!!!
    He didn’t even remember whether we’d had sex!

    What do I think I’m going to get out of it???
    I AM NC
    (that was me to myself)

    “Making yourself responsible for the success/failure of the relationship removes the responsibility and accountability from the other person. Take them down off that pedestal you have them on and recognise that making yourself responsible for the unproductive actions of another person will cause you to not only indulge in blame and shame, but to potentially keep going back to ‘fix’ things and try to do the loving and the ‘work’ for the both of you. Fact is that you’re ignoring the real problems that exist and seeing their actions/inaction as a reflection of you – you’re two separate entities and you’re trying to absorb responsibility and take control of the uncontrollable.” ~BR/Natalie Lue

    HE CAN CALL *ME* IF HE WANTS!!! (me)

    “Take people off the pedestals you place them on as the only place for them to look at you is down and stop being so hard on yourself. ” ~ BR/Nat

    Thank you thank you thank you 2010 Beloved for looking out and taking such good care of the future me!

  122.  #122Beloved on August 31, 2014 at 5:18 pm

    Linda – I totally misread what you posted. My bad. <3

  123.  #123Kyla on August 31, 2014 at 5:28 pm

    Ninja brought me engagement ring shopping today and we are getting ready to go out tonight to celebrate!! I feel cherished and blessed 🙂

  124.  #124Oshun on August 31, 2014 at 5:29 pm

    Wow…congrats Kyla!

  125.  #125Kim on August 31, 2014 at 5:39 pm

    Weeeeeee…Kyla!! 🙂
    Happy Days

  126.  #126RileyTheOwl on August 31, 2014 at 5:41 pm

    Kyla, I’m so happy for you 🙂 <3

  127.  #127Linda on August 31, 2014 at 5:51 pm

    Teresa. I hesitate to put a time frame on “knowing” actually. Sometimes it takes just a short while to see patterns other times much longer. I have observed that people can keep up their good behavior for a while and then the real person shows up after that. lol

    I have a girlfriend that swears that you don’t really get to know someone until two years though.

    In my last relationship at age 55 he had been married and divorced 3 times and dated countless women by his own accounts. One of his ex-wives referred to me as his girfriend of the month. ewwwh ouch! I let that go and gave it a real try but after a while I found out for myself that he was really difficult man to get along/live with. I could not live up to his expectations and he was alway picking at me, disappointed in me. I got so tired of being wrong, I gave up trying or caring. It feels so good to have cut myself loose.

    Some of the thing you have share about G seems like he might fit the category of difficult yet like the man in my relationship he might just be that kind of man.

  128.  #128Linda on August 31, 2014 at 5:54 pm

    Congrats Kyla!

  129.  #129Liquid Light on August 31, 2014 at 6:11 pm

    Wow, congratulations Kyla! Such great news!!!

  130.  #130teresa on August 31, 2014 at 7:33 pm

    Linda I do understand what you are talking about. I guess I look at things so differently. Life is to short at my age (55) to play these games.

    In fact I found out through his sister that he has been married 4 times…I only knew of 2 and he married one of the ladies twice.

    G or as he referred to himself as lookingwisely was difficult AT TIMES also. I noticed signs of jealously. In fact our final disagreement when he called was about how tired he was and his checkbook. I said okay well I will let you go, he immediately said why do you want to hang up so quickly. I said” because you said you were tired”. He then accused me of having someone at my house. It went downhill from there. That was the same day I found out from a girlfriend that he was back on Match and POF. So if he wanted to end it why didn’t he just say he wants to take a break. I feel in my gut there is more that meets the eye.

    The hardest part for me is the blinders I had on. The small red flags that I refused to acknowledge. How much of a part of this was my fault? Lots of question’s with no answers right now.

    My biggest worry is him contacting me. His sister said he is predictable and he will. I want to be in a much better place to respond to him if he does. The being if I decide I want too.

  131.  #131teresa on August 31, 2014 at 7:35 pm

    Congrats Kyla!!

  132.  #132Mandy on August 31, 2014 at 8:02 pm

    Just wanted to say, I figured out my problem – being impatient and demanding with poor J who needed to feel out his feelings…I was raised to be that way and probably not on purpose…

    But the impatience died down when I relaxed and didn’t make it about me getting my needs met from this one man, being quieter, leaning way back and he leaned forward instantly. He seems to notice instantly when I lean back and he totally jumps to come forward it’s so cute and makes my heart go pitter-patter with exciting electrical feelings of deep love!

    So…I need to STICK WITH the leaning back and follow that path, without straying too badly, kind of like keeping good healthy eating habits, checking in with myself to see if I am tense and being masculine, and allowing myself to let go and relax.

    J and I shared everything last night…we talked until dawn…confessions of things we’d done wrong in our pasts and letting each other know we don’t judge each other and love each other regardless, about how i feel about other ladies, about our ex’s…the trust just flooded open and it was wonderful and exciting and beautiful…

    I want to share with him! It makes me feel like he wants now to deepen our relationship and show his trust and take on some interesting things that keep us passionate.

    He has really come around, I let him know this and how proud I am of him and how much I feel like I am the only woman in the world to him, and I feel cute and sexy, and just so happy with the recent events with him. 🙂

    I am still glowing! Love to the Sirens…remember you are beautiful no matter what 🙂 You’ve got that feminine magic inside of you!

  133.  #133Mandy on August 31, 2014 at 8:08 pm

    PS – I have to do my meditating…maybe I’ll do it in a little while after finishing my emails 🙂

    Thank you Rori and Dominique, Indigo, and Femininewoman for the gift of your knowledge…I feel very supported by you all, and the rest of the Sirens…

    I feel so grateful and excited to know I have the knowledge and tools that give me confidence in being the most open, happy and attractive as I can be, being honest with my feelings and protecting myself from unwanted drama, and stating important, clear boundaries.

    Awesome 🙂

  134.  #134Emerson on August 31, 2014 at 8:16 pm

    70&71 thank you FW!
    I chuckled and made this face

  135.  #135Emerson on August 31, 2014 at 8:17 pm

    70&71 thank you FW!
    I chuckled and made this face

  136.  #136Emerson on August 31, 2014 at 8:17 pm

    70&71 thank you FW!
    I chuckled reading what you wrote to me! Because it’s true you have some good points.
    I do appreciate your feedback always and I agree that it’s very simple to change this situation for myself by conscious choices.
    At times I do feel almost controlled by my emotions and the deepest one is loneliness. It feels so good to finally have some attention that I almost can’t help drinking it up in one sip. I would like to change the thoughts that bring me there.

    Actually yes I am really busy with 2jobs and taking a class right now which is great for keeping me busy….however I feel loneliest at night when I go to bed or when I do have a day off I’m so tired and recuperating from the work week. but it’s almost like a shock since I have to face myself and there I am alone..
    I start feeling really sad and my family lives far away so I spend a lot of time in the phone with my parents which helps a little.
    I do have friends but they have significant others and busy on weekends so I need to break out of my shell I guess. I am confident but I feel shy too and I get overwhelmed trying to meet new people.
    Just venting here now and FW I do appreciate you taking the time to reply to me.

  137.  #137Emerson on August 31, 2014 at 8:18 pm

    Sorry for the weird posts I was trying to insert an emoji 🙂

  138.  #138Linda on August 31, 2014 at 9:12 pm


    I don’t want to give the impression that my relationship was all bad. In fact it was closer to my happily ever after as I have ever experienced. However there things that I knew I could not live with long term. Making my decision to walk away for good was hard even still. Kinda like childbirth with no pain medication.

    You are in doing well. Be kind to yourself when you are digging in to your self.

    Oh by the way we are the same age. 🙂

  139.  #139Linda on August 31, 2014 at 9:33 pm

    I almost forgot. I crossed two more things off my “honey do ” list today.

    I finally fixed my doorbell! It was a simple battery issue and only ended up costing $2.99 whoo hoo.

    THe other and it has been bugging me for so long. The leather on the armrest of my car was cracked and groce and it snagged my blouses and scrapped my skin. I did some research and found some nicely made armrest covers on ebay. I encountered a bit of trouble getting the bolts undone and re-installing them but omgosh it was soo worth it! I put new batting over the existing surface taped the ends and slid the new covers over. They turned out so beautifully and look like a million bucks !! I feel proud of my accomplishment. No more icky armrest and it only cost me $28.

    nite sirens

  140.  #140Azure Blu on August 31, 2014 at 10:05 pm

    April Rose #88
    Ahhhh… thank you sooo much for sharing
    your loving and talking to your inner little girl…
    Such good lovin’ you are giving her…
    I too do talk to my little girl…
    I like how you ask her questions…

  141.  #141Azure Blu on August 31, 2014 at 10:14 pm

    Beloved #116,
    I feel relieved for you that you decided NOT to live with S…. I think you made the right decision…
    too much lieing and drama and you hadn’t even moved in…
    Yay YOU… taking good care of YOU!!!

  142.  #142Azure Blu on August 31, 2014 at 10:18 pm

    I am loving you working on Your “honey do” list…

    i too have one and took big strides this week
    in getting several big ones completed.

    The garbage disposal had to be replaced…
    called in the handyman and had it replaced…
    MY kitchen, hall and small bathroom floors were replace with new subfloor this week!! and they look fabulous…
    that is MY entire downstairs looks FABULOUS…
    now just need to paint the kitchen and hallway!!
    It feels good to get things done…

  143.  #143Azure Blu on August 31, 2014 at 10:21 pm

    Big congratulations beautiful Siren!!!
    You and Ninja.. such an inspiration!

  144.  #144RileyTheOwl on August 31, 2014 at 10:47 pm

    Tonight C and I had a totally incredible feeling simple conversation about how he loves how I love my body… I said some things that had to do with appreciating myself, and it felt a little scary to openly just say how I love my body and love feeling my curves, how one curve flows to the next, and how I love touching and feeling it with my hands… It felt so scary to openly say that to him, that afterwards when I came home a few joyful happy scared relieved expressive tears spilled out of my eyes because I was so proud of myself, and so accepting and truly in love with who I am.
    Hope all of your nights have been full of feelings and self love, <3

  145.  #145Millie on August 31, 2014 at 11:56 pm

    So, I’m going to try putting myself through Boot Camp. “Get past this experience” Boot camp. I’m going to make some serious mental changes and implement the tools I’ve neglected to use.

    Heres what’s been going through my head/body…
    – feel my throat close up when he’s around
    -I feel shaky
    -I feel overly aware of what he’s doing
    – I feel a sting run through my body when he gives attention to other women
    -I feel like I’m not as good as that other woman
    -I feel less than
    -I wonder what he sees in her and not in me
    -I feel like I’m missing charm and light
    -These feelings in turn, diminish my charm and light.
    -I feel frustrated that I seem to want his validation

    This is not about expressing my feelings, or this man at all. This is about my self worth and allowing myself to literally BE less than because I’m reacting to a perceived rejection, when really his actions have nothing to do with me. I am reacting to waves in the water that aren’t there.

    I really don’t want to waste any more time in this rut. As Kyla said to me awhile ago, if she were me, she would do EVERYTHING in her power to change and shift and get past this man and onto a better one.

    So, I’m going to start smiling at all men.
    I’m going to tell myself I’m amazing and full of light.
    That I am wanted exactly as I am.
    That what I want is trying to find me as soon as I clear the road.
    That one man’s opinion, doesn’t shape who I am.
    His taste in woman doesn’t beg me to change who I am.
    I am immeasurable.
    And the integrity and love for myself extends far beyond one night in a bar, one moment…it exists in every moment and extends far into the horizon..

    I’m going to stop wanting things around me to change, and instead take more control of what I can change.

  146.  #146IamHis on September 1, 2014 at 12:30 am

    Coworker “liked” one of my pics on social media, which felt weird since we both agreed we are two different people. I thought he was a nice guy. He’s a total I – can’t-even-think-of-a-bad-enough-word – to-call-him. In my feeling weird, I went to his page where he was basically passively aggressively slut – shaming me without naming any names. I feel livid, since he’s doing this a week after the fact. A couple of days after it had happened, I had apologized for letting things go too far, thanked him for making me feel safe and for not judging me and this is the thanks I get? Whatever, he’s still thinking about how good he felt with me and missing the feel of my body and my naive innocence. I know he has no respect for me, but he has no idea of what a perfect vulnerable jewel he was holding in his arms.

  147.  #147Millie on September 1, 2014 at 1:00 am

    Iamhis—wow I can’t beleive he was posting about you, do you think you should unfriend him? I love how you describe yourself, as a perfect vulnerable jewel. Xo

  148.  #148Veronica on September 1, 2014 at 1:12 am

    April Rose – 87 – I really liked this:
    “The pain still returns, but both of us can face it together and it seems to pass thru a little more easily each time.
    I don’t think it will ever be ‘banished’. It is a case of building a new relationship to the pain.”

    This happened very slowly for me.

  149.  #149Veronica on September 1, 2014 at 1:15 am

    Purple – 113 – yay! You received what he gave to you – woohoo! I remember when I was in a deep funk – I wasn’t even able to look men in the eye.

  150.  #150Veronica on September 1, 2014 at 1:16 am

    Beloved – 116 – It is so important that there is as little as possible that could detract from your studies – if moving in is already this complicated, I would search for more hassle-free options. I’ve worked for a PhD candidate and drama absolutely sucks up time when completing studies; and taking deep restful periods is critical. A home is a haven when studies are under way, much more so if one is working as well. I’ve also heard that study or writing retreat weekends help to get a lot done in a short time. x

  151.  #151Veronica on September 1, 2014 at 1:17 am

    Kyla – 122 – Congratulations x

  152.  #152Sophie on September 1, 2014 at 1:22 am

    (((Veronica))) From other post – yes indeed with someone less easy to outman there could be much more space and possibility for being in the feminine – what a beautiful thought (feeling)

    I’m feeling so numbed out getting through the days right now. When I woke this morning I thought – I need work that I actually want to get out of bed for – ((lightbulb)) I don’t know what that is but there isn’t much at the moment that I actually want to get out of bed for. That’s okay. I’ll keep on trying. Everything is always changing.

  153.  #153Sophie on September 1, 2014 at 5:03 am

    Congratulations Kyla – I feel so happy for you and congratulations Mandy! What a learning experience xx

  154.  #154Femininewoman on September 1, 2014 at 5:07 am

    It’s from Michelle and she asks, “David, when should I ask a guy what he’s looking for in a relationship?”

    Michelle… Right away!

    The biggest mistake most women make is that they talk too much on a date.

    They tend to say what they’re looking for in a relationship.

    They’ll tell a man that they want marriage and they want kids, they want a family, or they’re just looking to have fun – whatever it might be.

    And a lot of men are just agreeable salespeople.

    Now there’s the player, who just wants to get in your pants.

    The player who wants to get into your pants will tell you exactly what you need to hear based on the information that you’re giving him. He’s wonderful at doing this and he’s been doing this his entire life.

    The man who never, ever gets laid and desperately wants to have sex will say anything to agree with you.

    He just doesn’t believe there’s another woman out there, so he will say that everything you want, is everything that he wants too.

    So, how do you change the way things are going? How do you figure out what a man really wants?

    It’s simple.

    The next time you feel like blurting out what you want in a relationship, pause, look at the man and say this:

    “Let me ask you a question, what are you looking for right now?”

    And wait. Allow him to tell you – first.

    An authentic male will look you right in the eyes and tell you exactly what he wants, whether it’s a relationship, sex, just fooling around, friendship, whatever it might be. An authentic man will do that.

    A salesman, or a guy that just wants to get into your pants will look above you, he’ll look to the side, he’ll get nervous – he’s basically searching for an answer because he doesn’t know what you want so he’s not able to tell you what you want to hear.

    This is a man that you never need to go out with again, because he is not authentic or real, and probably just wants to get laid.

    The man you go out with again is the man that tells you bluntly what he wants. If it matches what you want, then you can move forward and you know that you’re with a guy that is searching for the same thing.

    It really is that simple.

    Your friend,

    David Wygant

  155.  #155Femininewoman on September 1, 2014 at 5:20 am

    Sign You’re Just Friends With Him #5: You’re always with friends.

    You’re always with friends, his sports friends, relatives, schoolmates – just about anyone. But you’re never alone with him.

    And if he does ask you to be with him – it’s to support him on his next date…with another girl!

    This is a clear sign he sees you as just a friend.

    If a guy likes you, he’ll find reasons to be alone with you. Have that time to be romantically together. If he doesn’t, then that’s it! You guys are ONLY buddies.

    – See more at:

  156.  #156Kim on September 1, 2014 at 5:49 am

    I feel lonely and downbeat.

    I enjoyed the male attention I had in the last few weeks….but I am going to re-direct my mind towards the future. Job, move, selling up etc.

    I need to make fun plans in order to get out of this depression. I want to live in a warm climate, and carry on with adventure.i do’t want a humdrum 9-5 job in the suburb of a big city, which is what I had kind of forced myself into looking for.

    I have given up on the relationship/marriage/family idea and think without responsibilities, like kids, my options are so many.
    Trying to put a positive spin on my ‘aloneness’…and make the best of it.

    Now just trying to look for jobs and countries that inspire me.
    The world is my oyster. I think. Sigh.

  157.  #157Kim on September 1, 2014 at 6:02 am

    153 FW I never realised how important it is to find out whether you are on a page with a man’s vision for the future and relationship.
    It is pivotal.
    Before, I thought ‘let’s wait and see’ or ‘maybe I can change his mind’.
    Nono. MoM said in the beginning that he didn’t really believe in marriage. He was honest. Biggest gift.
    When I asked him recently how he saw his future and also with a woman he said ‘I just want to be happy’.
    I could not get another thought or answer out of him, and he was the one that had requested to talk.
    Just wants to be happy.
    We all do.
    But that gave me such an insight into the thought process…I also just want to be happy, but I also want to have a close relationship that is headed towards commitment.
    It is not my problem, that the one time he did commit and lived with a girl, she (the ex) relied on him for, food, bills etc and not only did he say he ‘felt being taken advantage of’, she still has him running and paying for her even now .
    Totally get it that he is afraid of jumping again.
    But: none of my concern when a man can’t or won’t move on.

    It is so refreshing and nice to hear from a man, what he wants – as in concrete. Wildchild, for all his unmatching with me, he tood me right from the beginning, that he wants to settle down and get married soon….within the next few years.
    Clear words.
    Wildchild knew when MoM came back into my life and ‘wanted to talk’. He knew the whole story, as he had asked and I had told him. Wildchild said ‘OMG, he is going to come with a ring, what are you going to do?’
    That’s an alpha man who thinks logically, would think. MoM as you all know, did not only not come with a ring, he just came, sat on my couch and cried and said he had missed me, and that he was sad. That was it.
    I saw it as how deep his feelings ran and although I felt irritated that still he had no clear words, I thought let’s see.
    Of course nothing changed.
    And now I think how fortunate it was that the ex tried to reach him that day we were away….because it woke me up. He wouldn’t have changed, things wouldn’t have changed.
    For whatever reason he wasn’t going to commit to me, perhaps because he already is committed to someone else.
    I feel sorry for him that things did not work out.
    But I can’t keep waiting for father Christmas when we all know he doesn’t exist… 😉
    Just processing, bear with me.

  158.  #158teresa on September 1, 2014 at 6:50 am

    Feeling a little sad today. Can’t seem to get lookingwisely (G) off my mind. This would have been a day we would have spent together. I feel misunderstood and powerless. I feel very vulnerable…like someone will come along and do the same thing or I will continue on with my bad habits. I have a sense of closing off….not letting anyone in.

    I have a long “honey do list”. I mowed my lawn, ironed, cleaned the house and that was yesterday. Today I want to wash car and clean out my garage and I have some sewing to do. The worst part is once I am finished my mind will start to wonder/think.

    Tomorrow is Tuesday which won’t get here soon enough for me. Back to work which will take up 9 hrs. of my day and my first private coaching which I am anxious to get started on.

  159.  #159teresa on September 1, 2014 at 6:51 am

    Happy Labor Day to each and everyone of you!!

  160.  #160Kim on September 1, 2014 at 6:56 am

    Teresa, I feel ya. Happy labor day…
    Things will feel better soon!

  161.  #161Kath on September 1, 2014 at 7:00 am


    I’m so sorry things didn’t work out for you. I know its easy to say, but try not to feel lonely. You’re alone for a while but its time to take stock and look at what you really want, as you’re doing.

    I am exhausted by what happened (again) at the weekend and now being blamed (again) for him feeling like crap and apparently me dissing him. I didn’t- I really didn’t diss him!- It was him who embarrassed me infront of a checkout guy and then had the audacity to accuse me of being a bitch about money!- I cannot believe that he twisted it so much!- I feel so hurt and crushed by what he said and the callous way he behaved, without respect at all. Even the way he said my name made me feel as though as I was being kicked in the stomach. We have not spoken since yesterday lunchtime and today I have started looking for flats to rent- what a great start to the week!

  162.  #162Nicole on September 1, 2014 at 7:35 am

    Hi, Rori
    I really need your help..
    Me & my boyfriend have been together about six months,.. he’s bought a ring and said he was waiting for the perfect time to ask.
    Were are moving in together Oct. 1st, we had an overall good feeling relationship until the last month or soo,.. now he’s being really mean and cold.. not all the time, but obviously enough of the time,.. i dont know what to do because we found out i’m pregnant a week ago,.. and he’s become even colder & mean.. i feel so unloved. and i dont know what to do. i dont make enough money t raise a baby & have my own apartment & i dont have a car.. he does. I feel stuck now,.. under different circumstances i definitely would have left this relationship.. i just dont know what to do with the baby on the way.

  163.  #163Nicole on September 1, 2014 at 7:37 am

    Please help! any advice is appreciated..

  164.  #164Emerson on September 1, 2014 at 8:09 am

    Good reminder from David wygant to let the man speak first what he is looking for.
    It’s ok to ask right away.

  165.  #165Violette on September 1, 2014 at 8:23 am

    Milllie 68, I am no stranger to what you described in this post. Of course the only person who really knows how to get yourself felling good and happy is you. I will add the 3 things I have discovered in the past 2 years that have helped me greatly in these situations.

    1. Forgiveness. The most counterintuitive and powerful tool I have ever learned. When I can get in a quiet space and forgive the object of my obsession, I can really allow the person to do whatever they need to do, and get clear on letting it go, and that I don’t want a guy who abandons me and neglects me and plays me! And poof it’s just gone.

    2. Spiritual work. Whatever works to make you feel connected to the highest parts of yourself. For me it’s meditation and journaling. Because the more I can be in my highest space, the clearer and more sophisticated my siren thinking can be.

    3. An awareness of my childhood issues. Heh, usually when I’m hung up on a guy who was never REALLY there for me in the first place it has to do with feelings of abandonment and neglect in my childhood. An awareness of this (in quiet serene moments) can show me how much of my adult life I’ve turned to men or business associates to fill the place of the parents/brother I never had and wanted. It’s a waste of time! When I can see that I realize, hey, I don’t need this guy! I don’t need a guy who plays me, and I am free to go out and get what I want.

    Of course you are on the right path Millie, keep finding your way through in the way that works for you. Mechanic sounds SO BENEATH YOU.

    You got this, let it go and get what you want!

  166.  #166Violette on September 1, 2014 at 8:23 am

    Thank you Liquid Light and Kim for the encouragements 🙂

  167.  #167teresa on September 1, 2014 at 8:28 am

    I feel annoyed right now…..

    Sunny Chicago isn’t so sunny today. I was able to mow the front of my lawn but back will have to wait as it is raining right now. Ugh!!

  168.  #168Violette on September 1, 2014 at 8:28 am

    It feels so amazing I got my forgiveness hat on and really let go of a lot of stuff I was holding on to with that 5 year old relationship, the ex who was up his fancy rich famous brother’s but. Who’s fancy rich brother was so jealous of his great relationship with me that he did all he could to break us up, and that my ex was so dependent on his big brother’s approval that he let him do it, let me go to…appease his brother’s dark side.

    It was horrible! And now with the magical tool of forgiveness I can see the sadness in it in a way that makes me feel compassion, and great happiness for not having that in my life. I don’t want to be around a man who is so easy to manipulate, away from me.

    I feel really free. I wish them totally amazing careers and I hope their co-dependence brings them all good things! I do! And my life is just fine thank you very much. It may be smaller and more self-sufficient, and I like it 🙂 BECAUSE IT’S MINE!

  169.  #169Beloved on September 1, 2014 at 8:30 am

    I feel grateful and appreciative for the insight, reflections, support and wisdom.

    In reflection, I see my part in the situation, where I said “no! I can’t move in later!” – if I hadn’t reacted with that, I could possibly be moving in today and it wouldn’t have been a huge deal. So it’s possible I did get in my own way.

    At the same time, I don’t feel the need to try and fix it.
    I came away from the conversation yesterday feeling as if it would have been tedious and a constant need to assert boundaries with her. She said she felt excited to have me live there so she could learn the lessons of humility, respect, acceptance and hospitality. I felt like I wanted to back away as quickly as possible and disengage. I feel no desire to having my living situation be a teaching situation for someone who feels lacking in those areas.

    Feels best to drop it and not focus on it anymore.
    I already let this get to me so much I missed my 1st assignment in the class I’m struggling with the most and didn’t have the presence of mind to realize I could have gone to the lab and gotten help on Friday.

    If if if.
    Coulda shoulda woulda.

    Breathing and focusing on what I need to do now 🙂

  170.  #170Violette on September 1, 2014 at 8:31 am

    Kim I for you with Visa stuff and not being a citizen in the place you want to live. I’ve had that before, and it’s the worst! But I know you are a strong person and will find your way through. Just sending you encouragement! I hope you find stability in the place you feel happy with!

  171.  #171Kim on September 1, 2014 at 8:41 am

    Aw Violette…thank you.
    I am having such a hard time accepting…takes all my strength.
    I was just thinking earlier that a lot of my achievements came from anger and bad things happening and it pushing me forward, always pushing forward….right now I just feel sad and it paralysing me. I dislike this feeling.
    If I could feel angry and determined, I would have so much more energy.

  172.  #172Azure Blu on September 1, 2014 at 8:43 am

    Riley Owl #143
    Mmmmm,,,, sooo warm, and soft filled with self love and self appreciation!!!
    Very beautiful!

  173.  #173Azure Blu on September 1, 2014 at 8:44 am

    (((Mandy))) #131
    wow… this sounds sooo delicious… You and J softly sharing your deepest thoughts and desires!!

  174.  #174Azure Blu on September 1, 2014 at 8:47 am

    Millie #143…
    Powerful… VERY powerful
    I can feel you spreading YOUR wings…
    It is inspiring!!

  175.  #175Azure Blu on September 1, 2014 at 8:48 am

    FW #153
    Wow… this is a great post!!!
    Thank you again for your thoughtful sharing!!!

  176.  #176Azure Blu on September 1, 2014 at 8:56 am

    Violette, I like this forgiveness tool…
    Thank you for sharing how it works in a specific instance for you…
    Very powerful… I need to try this.

  177.  #177Azure Blu on September 1, 2014 at 9:02 am

    ((((Kim))) #156
    Your reflections sound spot on….
    You are sooo right… Listen carefully to what men say in the beginning…

    I feel sad you can’t come back for 10 years…
    Thats a long time…
    I feel curious… what is it you like about the U.S.?

  178.  #178Azure Blu on September 1, 2014 at 9:08 am

    ((((Kim)))) 169
    warm loving huggggsss to you sweet siren!!!

    Don’t forget to Love YOUR sadness
    LOVE YOUR being paralized…
    softly take them in Your arms and give them
    BIG hugs…
    Have a conversation with them…
    like April Rose described…
    “Sadness… why are you hurting?” “I will hold you here… until you feel better.”
    This always seems to help me…

  179.  #179Linda on September 1, 2014 at 9:10 am

    Azure how lovely it feels to get things done that need to be. There is a sense of wellness. How exciting that you got your floors done!

    Teresa I want to send you encouragement today. I recently did the things you did yesterday. It felt good to get them done. I very much can identify with how you are feeling right now. I had times I could not wait to get to work so time would pass with an occupied mind.

    There is a sense in which I have needed to just get back in control of the things . It does seem that I do this when there are things that happen that I have no control over.I guess it is my way of making things feel better and upright in my world. At any rate it makes me feel well cared for… and I am investing in doing my best for me. I feel open to the world and happier after. It is just the way I am knit together.

    Maybe your doing will make way for the same for you !

    hugs to you.

  180.  #180Linda on September 1, 2014 at 9:19 am

    Ahh Teresa, we dont live too far from each other. I am about 4 hours south of you.. in Hoosier land ! The sun is out here though. lol

  181.  #181prplpsn28 on September 1, 2014 at 9:43 am

    Teresa…I’m in the Chicago area also. Northern suburbs. Hoping rain holds off for the parade.

  182.  #182Femininewoman on September 1, 2014 at 10:08 am


    Aaah Nicole. The thing is if you would not consider abortion (neither would I) the best would be thinking about taking care of providing for the baby. As such looking for ways to make yourself independent would be a number one priority. Feeling stuck is no reason not to plan for your future. Start by asking friends, family and looking for resources. Do not decide to remain stuck.

  183.  #183Kim on September 1, 2014 at 10:49 am

    Azure, thank you for you sweet comments.
    I like everything about Florida, mainly the weather and being able to be outside all year, most days..the fishing and boating culture and the animals….the wildness in parts.
    Not so much the superficiality but I stay out of those circles.
    Oh well.

  184.  #184Dominique on September 1, 2014 at 11:22 am

    Kyla – 122 – SO LOVELY. I feel delighted and thrilled for you!!!

    Love to you.


  185.  #185Liquid Light on September 1, 2014 at 11:29 am

    Nicole 160 Back off from the relationship and take care of yourself and the baby. He obviously needs space and is pushing you away. Give him the space he needs and with time he’ll likely come back. But be prepared if he doesn’t. Make yourself and your baby your priority either way. Take care and good luck! Keep us posted.


  186.  #186Dominique on September 1, 2014 at 11:30 am

    RileyTheOwl – 143 – I feel SO proud of you!!! What a turn on this must have been. 🙂


  187.  #187teresa on September 1, 2014 at 11:31 am

    prplpsn28……I live in the Northern part of Chicago also.

    I am having a terrible day today. I feel resentful, irritated and very, very upset with myself. I feel paralyzed! Why can I not get Lookingwisely out of my head. I was focused when I went home for my father’s illness. When I returned I was sad but nothing compared to how I feel today. I feel like I need to curl up in a ball, cry, cry and cry some more. The pain….the shoulda, woulda, coulda that keeps tumbling in my head. I keep telling myself to suck it up and move on….he has. I want to reach out but I don’t want him to think I am needy. I am not needy!!!! Just crazy in Love with a man who wants nothing to do with me.

  188.  #188Dominique on September 1, 2014 at 11:49 am

    Millie – 144 – I LOVE your plan. 🙂


  189.  #189Azure Blu on September 1, 2014 at 12:06 pm

    Believe ME it does get better…
    You’re doing the right thing…
    Keep loving YOU…
    be VERY gentle and KIND to YOU…
    Gently hold YOUR hand…
    Tell yourself…
    “of course I would be sad and miss him.
    Because I am a loving, kind person.
    I will give ME All the LOVE I NEED”
    Hug YOU!!

  190.  #190Azure Blu on September 1, 2014 at 12:11 pm

    Kim #181
    Ohhh… of course… I do understand…the ocean and sand and Sun lots of Wonderful sun!!!

    My daughter and her 2 children and husband live down there… She LOVEs the weather also…
    She rides and trains dressage horses… BIG horse culture down there!!! She has spoken about the superficaillity.

    She is too far away from me!! I’m up north.
    What warmer climates were you considering?

  191.  #191Clarice on September 1, 2014 at 12:20 pm

    Hello Rori and all the sirens here. I love this site and love this community. I have a situation that I need advice on. If you are reading this, I would appreciate your help Rori. I am in a relationship with a man. He is kind and nice. But the problem is that since his brother died a few years ago, he has been raking care of his brothers family of a wife and two girls. This us not a bad thing in itself, but I find that he really goes the extra mike god them and I feel that he has a second wife and children. His sister really exploits this and makes him do even more for them so she doesn’t have up do anything. Recently, he has been telling me that his bank balance is empty and he can’t afford to pay towards a holiday for us, when his sister rang, and he immediately told his sister that he would pay for his brothers wife’s expensive dental treatment. He paid one of the girls a relatively large cash amount for her birthday, as well as paying them a monthly allowance. This is a man who always complains about not having enough money, has no house or savings. Today I asked him to fill up my car as a favour, and he got angry and said that he shouldn’t have to pay for my gas because he has no money! 30 mins later he offered to pay for the dental treatment of hundreds of dollars! I haven’t said anything yet, but I have told him about how his actions don’t make sense before. This is a 4 year relationship. I know you can’t change a man. Is the only way to leave him, or should I have another conversation? I can’t see us going forward in life like this. What would you suggest?

  192.  #192Clarice on September 1, 2014 at 12:22 pm

    Just realised lots of auto corrections in my message. I Apologise.

  193.  #193Kath on September 1, 2014 at 1:05 pm

    Because I am a loving and kind person and I will keep loving me and being kind to me. OOh have to keep repeating that to myself. For too long I have cringed at the way he speaks to me, treats me. Assumes I am happy with whatever decision he makes. He has grown cold and disrespectful and that feels really ucky!- When I got home from work today I was just me, on my own in peace. I cooked for myself, he didn’t appear until two hours after he’d usually be home. He said “evening” I just looked at him. I couldn’t even speak to him. Just focus on me, be kind to me. He offered to cook tea- I said I’d already eaten. He’s now upstairs watching TV but I am completely ok on my own. I know he is planning to away next weekend and I have been searching for a flat to move to on my own. Had enough, can’t live like this anymore, need to look after me.

  194.  #194Azure Blu on September 1, 2014 at 1:23 pm

    Hugggsss darling Siren…
    You ARE taking good care of YOU!!!
    Sooo glad to hear you are being VERY smart!!

  195.  #195Mandy on September 1, 2014 at 1:56 pm

    Thanks Azure, I appreciate it 🙂

    Have a wonderful day Sirens 🙂

  196.  #196Femininewoman on September 1, 2014 at 3:07 pm

    teresa be gentle with yourself. All those emotions you express there are fodder for breeding illness in your body.

  197.  #197prplpsn28 on September 1, 2014 at 3:10 pm

    Teresa 185…I know exactly how you feel. I’m in the same situation. I still have some not so good days but it has gotten better. It will get better for us.

  198.  #198Kim on September 1, 2014 at 3:46 pm

    Oh 188 Azure! I wonder if she is in Davie! I loooooove Davie! Well, I love everywhere lol – that is my problem!
    Davie is so cool, so ‘ranchy’ and a little red-necky. I love that it is so completely different to Miami..hehe, which I love as well.
    Oh bloody heck, see now what my problem is?
    How can I possibly leave? Lol

  199.  #199Sophie on September 1, 2014 at 3:52 pm

    Kim – have you looked at housesitting or Positions come up in those areas sometimes on the websites I check – I don’t know if it would interest you (or even what’s available right now) but it may be a way of staying without a work visa? xx

  200.  #200Kim on September 1, 2014 at 3:53 pm

    Ok. So MoM wrote a mail. A long mail.
    He is sweet and going on and on about how his friendship with the ex is platonic, and they are just friends and why I am so insecure and don’t trust him.
    Ok, he still doesn’t understand.
    He also said (wow, clueless or what), that he can tell how different he feels by imagining of she was with someone else he would be happy for her, whereas if I was with someone else he would be crushed.
    Well, tadaaa, what incentive does she have to find another partner when he is always around…anyway, that’s beside the point.
    About the commitment he says nothing again, just that he has such a lovely time with me and he doesn’t want it to stop and that his eyes never wander when with me….
    Again, I do not care whether a man’s eyes wander..and he looks at other women, I do care if he has an emotional attachment that seemingly takes precedent over what we have.

    I do not feel like ‘explaining’ it once again. He is intelligent, I am sure he understood now this came up the third time.
    I am also not going to bring up the commitment again. I am sure he understands that also, since I brought it up the umpteenth time again as well.

    He wants to talk. I feel unsure. Would I not be tempted to start dating him again with nothing resolved?
    We have talked and talked.
    I don’t know. In this looooong email, he is just defending but offering no change that could possibly make me feel better, or feel less insecure.

    So what to do?

  201.  #201Sophie on September 1, 2014 at 3:55 pm

    Purple – it feels nice to hear you say it’s got better and it will get better. It can be such a rollercoaster

    (((Kath))) I feel pleased you have a plan – and like Azure Blu says you are looking out for you and loving you


  202.  #202Femininewoman on September 1, 2014 at 4:23 pm

    At least don’t take him back right away.

    I get that he is “showing” commitment rather than talking it. Have you ever asked him what his idea of commitment is?

  203.  #203Femininewoman on September 1, 2014 at 4:25 pm

    I know he said he’d never get married. But can’t remember if you ever said what he considers commitment.

  204.  #204teresa on September 1, 2014 at 4:38 pm

    ((((( prplpsn28, Femininewoman, Azure Blu, Linda)))))…many hugs!!!

    I had the opportunity to sit and chat with my neighbor. She told me to wipe away my tears. Do not cry over a man that might or might not have cared about you. For in my eyes a man that made no effort to come to your home see where you live in two years is not a man of good character. This friendship/relationship was possibly one sided. So she said “learn from this mistake and find someone that will give you what you are looking for in a relationship and love him”. Always remember it was his lose because my friend “I know who you are”.

  205.  #205teresa on September 1, 2014 at 4:40 pm

    I meant his loss

  206.  #206Liquid Light on September 1, 2014 at 5:03 pm

    MM sent me another message even after I didn’t respond to his phone call or other email message. So instead of just ignoring him and hoping that he’ll go away, I just sent him a message and told him that I didn’t think we were a good match and good luck with his search. And then I blocked him. I hope that’s the end of it. Yuck!

  207.  #207Kim on September 1, 2014 at 5:24 pm

    FW he wants me to be his girlfriend.
    He never said ‘never’ to marriage just that he doesn’t think it’s his preferred life form or something, he said that right at the beginning and never again.
    The pivotal point here is that he expects me to change and fit in with his ex attachment and his girlfriend commitments.
    There is no compromise here.
    I am unsure what we would be talking about, just more reassurance that he isn’t cheating on me?
    I know that.
    It’s the emotional ‘in sickness and in health’ commitment he has to her that feels icky to me.

  208.  #208Femininewoman on September 1, 2014 at 6:24 pm

    I think I get you KIm

  209.  #209Dixie on September 1, 2014 at 6:28 pm

    Just needed a little virtual hug, Sirens.

    I’m feeling a little bit unsettled inside tonight. Tomorrow is back to school and I just feel… oh, I can’t my finger on this feeling.

    Even though I always feel excited about the new school year, I just have this bittersweet feeling that this year D. isn’t there as my superhero champion. Not that I need that, but I’m going to miss feeling that support this year. It just felt good and safe, like this big strong tree I could stand under.

    I know I have to start CDing, but honestly, I don’t even know where to start. With school starting, I know its going to feel so, so busy and hectic and I just wish I felt more truly excited about CDing. I’m just not feeling it in my heart yet.

    just feeling a little wistful, I suppose.

  210.  #210Nicole on September 1, 2014 at 6:28 pm

    (((Liquid light))) (((feminine woman)))
    Thank you!! Yes I will keep my baby and yes I will take your advice to try to become more independent thank you

  211.  #211Nicole on September 1, 2014 at 6:31 pm

    He must have noticed that something was off today because he texted and apologize for being so mad and taking it out on me lately but I still don’t know what to do because I feel so bad so much of the time that I don’t even feel like it’s worth it anymore but then I feel sad because I never wanted to be a single parent and I never wanted that for my child

  212.  #212Labbit on September 1, 2014 at 6:48 pm

    Congratulations Kyla!!! What a wonderful development. 🙂

  213.  #213Oshun on September 1, 2014 at 6:49 pm

    Hey ladies! Just dropping in to say hi! Positive vibes to the ladies going through things. Positive vibes to the ladies with good news. I’m just peekino my head in to say hey.

    Things are good. I’m keeping myself open to receive loving energy from the men in my cypher. Except one guy at work that thinks he’s entitled to hugs and it makes me feel uncomfortable so I’m putting a stop to that. Other than him, the guys are goods.

    After this weekend with my family, I planned a day of rejuvenation for myself this weekend coming. One of the CDs wants to see me this weekend and I didn’t budge my “Me Date” to accommodate him. I told him what I have planned and he said ok so Saturday seems better. I think he responded that way because I believe my energy said ‘this is important and I’m not moving it’.

    There is a guy I met online that keeps pushing for more pictures. There are plenty on my profile. I sent him one that wasn’t on my dating profile and he pushed for another. I told him I didn’t feel comfortable and that when we go out he will see me. He pushed some more and I ignored his messages.

    I’m feeling great. I’m excited about my “Me Date” on Friday.

    Stay positive beauties. :o)

  214.  #214Kim on September 1, 2014 at 6:50 pm

    Sophie thank you! I am grateful for every suggestion right now!

    FW….I feel happy about that 🙂

  215.  #215Labbit on September 1, 2014 at 7:10 pm

    I feel so cozy and lovely after a long spa weekend. It felt good to have an attentive staff taking care of my every need and want, to detoxify and melt in treating my body extra well.

    TenderCD is back from his business trip. We hadn’t spoken in over a week. Over the week my nervous energy built up. I tried as best as I could to bring it back to me, to lean back and tell myself all is well. I don’t even understand WHY I felt so nervous…just an old nasty voice telling me that any man who let communication fall apart for more than a week was bad. In the past I would have texted a fear-filled, insecure message after a day or so…major progress has been made. Yet I haven’t shaken this trigger yet. Yesterday I couldn’t take it anymore. I leaned forward and texted him, a short feeling message about how I needed his help because my mind was running away with me. He responded nearly instantly with a light romantic touch, then told me he was slammed and not feeling great but we’d catch up today. I haven’t heard from him and my nasty voice is acting up again. It keeps telling me I’ll never hear from him again which is ridiculous. I feel pressure inside to text him and that feels BAD because I don’t need to, I’ll hear from him soon. I feel silly and embarrassed writing this out but this is where I am right now.

    I have been through a similar situation with just about every man I’ve dated in the last year or two, where communication seems to stop for a week or more…I’m sure my anxious energy is not helping. I know I need to find reassurance within myself, to not look to him for validation or to tell me everything’s OK. Deep down inside I know everything’s OK…I feel connected to him and even if something were wrong I’d be fine. I know this. I wish I knew how to get past this fear. I don’t like feeling this way. And I feel I’ll keep coming up against this until I learn the lesson. I am leaning back, giving myself as much love as I can, jumping off the cliff of anxiety and knowing something gentle will catch me below, trusting, knowing all is well. I feel light, I feel unsure, I feel frustrated, I feel silly, I feel calm, I feel shaky.

  216.  #216Labbit on September 1, 2014 at 7:12 pm

    Mandy 131 — Beyond inspirational, thank you for sharing this!!!

  217.  #217Kim on September 1, 2014 at 8:02 pm

    He sent me five emails, one after the other, the other four are things he wants to do with me. Links to stuff.

    I feel icky. MrP used to do the same thing when he tried reeling me back in…ugh.

  218.  #218teresa on September 1, 2014 at 8:23 pm

    As my day couldn’t have gotten any worse….the constant thoughts of G (lookingwisely) still tumble through my head. The feelings I can’t shake on everything I did wrong. I can’t stop beating myself up….what is wrong??

    So I asked myself am I being punished because I am not spending time with my father and not being able to make things right with G? I feel HORRIBLE and DEFEATED!

    I received a call from my brother tonight as they put my father back into ICU with phenomena.

  219.  #219Linda on September 1, 2014 at 8:43 pm

    Teresa.. what great things for your neighbor to say. I would just change the word mistake… cause it wasn’t. It was an experience in your life. One that you can learn more about yourself from.

    Sorry to hear about your father.

  220.  #220Linda on September 1, 2014 at 8:54 pm

    Kim this mans energy is coming toward and pursuing you. That is all. I could see that he would be confused as to where he stands with you. You went away with him last week end. Maybe in his mind he is showing you commitment and is stepping up. In this moment and perhaps all the others you are not able to fully receive what he is bringing to you because you are focused on what you are sure he will never do in the future and what he has done in the past.

    Expectations ruin potential good moments and relationships.

    If he is someone you don’t want in your life tell him. I think he will get it then and leave you alone.

  221.  #221Linda on September 1, 2014 at 9:16 pm


    I have come to understand in me that a trigger doesnt necessarily have to be conquered just understood and addressed and or manage. It has been my experience that they then loose their negative spin affect on me then. Sharing my needs with someone I am seeing feels authentic when NV’s are not controlling the sharing.

  222.  #222Kim on September 1, 2014 at 9:23 pm

    215 good points linda….
    In over a year we talk about the same issues and instead of showong will to compromise he is digging his heels in.

    There isn’t any incentive for me to stay open here.

    I don’t know yet what I will do.

  223.  #223Lucy on September 1, 2014 at 9:45 pm

    Hello and Happy Labor Day to all you Sirens on Siren Island, and especially to CHICAGO Sirens! Yes, I live in this area, and actually today tootled up the Kennedy to Royal Oak apple farm in Hebron, IL.

    Me and the kids had so much fun,and it was a good way to spend Labor Day 🙂 There’s something to be said for not being in a relationship now — the kids need me, and my job needs me, and I enjoy both greatly….

    But OH! I hate being without sex. Boyman CD is just too crass for me. I finally had to say that I wanted to be taken out, and he then blatantly said that he needed to know if he would be able to have sex with me — yuck! So I called him on it, and said did he think that just because I was older that I wasn’t a diva and didn’t have a lot of men chasing me?

    So he felt like a fool. And I just don’t even want him at this point.

    Felt like calling techie CD but i haven’t heard from him in 2 1/2 weeks. So will. not. But I feel intuitively he misses me — but he was giving me crumbs. So I just can’t…

    And chemist CD is being a twit about setting up this coffee date. So I am ignoring him. So no men at all….

    It’s all good….UGH!

  224.  #224Emerson on September 1, 2014 at 10:25 pm

    Hey sirens!
    So many great messages and posts on here…I wish I had time to reply to them all! I feel so super excited about my new fitness and diet plan…I feel like I’m valuing myself by doing this.
    I noticed something today …
    I feel distant from people I see out and about when I’m grocery shopping etc where I used to be more outgoing open and friendly.

  225.  #225Indigo on September 2, 2014 at 3:22 am

    Labbit 210,

    I really feel you in what you wrote here.

    I have been exactly where you are. Especially the part about sending a panicked text message after about a day. Over time this anxiety has subsided significantly, and I have also got a lot calmer and better in my mind with self-soothing and re-directing my attention. And of course realising that this is all going on inside me – it doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with what’s going on outside.

    I just wanted to say keep being gentle and loving with yourself. A week would be difficult for any woman. If this has happened in previous relationships, this may be showing up as an opportunity for you to learn or heal or get past this. That is what I find when these sorts of intense triggers show up. They show up again and again to give me the chance to move through them and past them. In that way, they are not a bad thing. It all becomes a lot easier and lessens in intensity the more you can go through it and keep calm and keep the faith.

    But I just did want to encourage you and say go easy on yourself – it’s not easy at all when you’re waiting to hear from your man.


  226.  #226Indigo on September 2, 2014 at 4:04 am


    For what it’s worth, based on the things you said MoM said in his e-mail, I think this relationship with him not moving forward has far more to do with your fears and things going on inside of you than with his platonic relationship with his ex. I am sorry but it is just an extremely closed off, defended, “expecting the worst” vibe I get from your posts.

    That is all I will say further on the subject, but I just wanted you to know that is my honest impression.


  227.  #227Kim on September 2, 2014 at 4:39 am

    221 True Indigo.
    I do feel closed off to play glorified fwb withh a man who is neither free nor wanting the same as me.
    Very hard for me to stay open to dating someone in this type of scenario afterr one year, and after having been stood up once before – for the ex – for something that felt so important to me.
    Everybody is different, maybe some women would be able to deal with playing second fiddle and never having a commitment to a man, and being cool about being a fwb forever… i am not one of them. Quite right. Takes me totally off balance.
    He didn’t move much forward ever, even when I didn’t know about his ex attachment. He is very much in feminine energy.
    His email is all about wantign more fun times with me because it feels good to him. I don’t feel acknowledged and heard at all. That’s important to me. I like a man to cherish my feelings too, and not bang on repeatedly about what he isn’t going to change.

    Thoigh having standards and boundaries is not always the same as being closed off. I admit to both. And I do expect the worst. After having been stood up and soending what was supposed to be a romantic weekend alone, and him still defending this decision even now, because her cats are so important to her that no oter person can feed them for a day, I think the worst will definitely happen at some time….if she gets sick or falls on hard times.

    During our quaisi relationship, there were a couple of times when I was sick and having hard times – he was no help.

    So that is why I have fear and feel closed off.

  228.  #228Indigo on September 2, 2014 at 5:43 am

    Understood, Kim.

    But I have found in my own life that when I have that fear inside myself – that no one is there for me, that other people come first, that I am alone and abandoned etc. etc. – whether based on valid past experience or not (and in my case there certainly is valid past experience) it is still the fear in myself I need to address. Otherwise I will keep attracting situations into my life which trigger that fear and keep reflecting back to me what I have decided is true.

    Change what is going on in you, and watch everything else change. You have no direct power over others and what they do. But the RIGHT man will be drawn to your confidence and extremely positive beliefs about yourself and your life. He will run a mile though from a fear of “playing second fiddle”.

  229.  #229Lucy on September 2, 2014 at 6:43 am


    Kim, I can see why you feel fearful — he said from the start he wasnt looking for a commitment and was afraid of marriage.

    Your fear seems perfectly reasonable to me.

    Perhaps you could find another CD?

    I am not having a good day with men. Right now, every program I ever took about men seems to say “It’s your fault (i.e. the woman’s) because you didn’t do, or DID do, a,b,c,d, etc….”

    How many men even read a single book about relationships? Why do women have to do all the learning, the unnatural stuff like leaning back etc.

    Not to mention the child rearing, working just as hard as they do, taking care of the house, cooking, cleaning, looking after every single person around us because otherwise we’re not a kind, good woman?


  230.  #230Kim on September 2, 2014 at 6:46 am

    Thank you Lucy.
    Also, I just feel turned off now.
    Honestly turned off.
    If he asked me for marriage, I would right out say no.
    Not with those conditions, even in a pickle.
    Even if it is all about me and about my fears, I just couldn’t see myself married to a man who was on his ex’s speed dial day and night, and ready to jump to help her.
    Actually, I think I am better off being an ex myself.
    Maybe one day he will help me with my stuff?

  231.  #231Kim on September 2, 2014 at 6:49 am

    I also agree with you, we are supposed to do all the inner work and stay open.
    Most men have no access to their real feelings and a lot of them blame all their issues on a woman.
    So it’s great that we stay open and do the work and try to change…but it does always take two to party.

    I was very insecure when I was younger and had the most beautiful relationship with a kind and wonderful guy who made me feel safe.

    It’s not always all ‘our fault’. We don’t have to be perfect and confident and always open. Sometimes, just being ‘us’ is enough to attract a good man.

    I feel sad that the onus is always on us doing something and changing ourselves. Why?

  232.  #232Indigo on September 2, 2014 at 6:59 am

    Lucy and Kim,

    I see your point, truly I do – I am a woman who has done a massive amount of internal work, a large part of which was to have good relationships.

    Yet I have always supposed that this is its own reward. I don’t do it directly to benefit the men I’m in a relationship with, or to compensate for their shortcomings. I do it *for me*. If in the process, they are happier or heal through me, those are added bonuses.

    What good is it lamenting over the fact that men don’t do much self-help work or reading? Do we think we can somehow make them do it? I happen to think men do a lot of work on themselves, but it runs underground, is mostly unspoken, and does not look like ours.

  233.  #233Labbit on September 2, 2014 at 7:08 am

    Linda 216 — Hmm yes, that’s an excellent point! My skills at managing this trigger clearly need to be developed more. At least I can see a little progress in myself. In the past I couldn’t manage this trigger at all. Now I can barely manage it, but that’s still better than not being able to handle it at all! So I suppose it can only get better from here. Protein shake cheers to that. 🙂

    Indigo 220 – Thank you so much Indigo, this is very reassuring to read. I can see how I’m torturing myself with expectations in this moment and how no one wins when I do this. In some odd way yes you’re right that it is nice to be facing this trigger, I believe this time I can heal through it…right now I keep see-sawing back and forth between faith-filled and fear-filled. Today I’ll keep using the tools as much as I can and soon enough I will settle into faith…I very much look forward to that.

  234.  #234Kim on September 2, 2014 at 7:09 am

    Indigo, I feel curious as to whether the men feeling happier, and healing through you, has indirectly resulted in you having the relationship that you want?

    I have been following your story for a while, and in my experience a man can be happier, and heal, but in the end if he is a commitment phobe or has mental problems that prevent him from stepping up, will just make me feel like sh*t because deep down I still had hope. I went through this with MrP, and no matter how good feeling the dates and weekends I had with him, were, at the end of the day I can pat myself on the back for the work I did on myself but stil wasted years of my valuable life being stuck on him.
    Whilst I was even dating other people.

    We fool ourselved by all kinds of means, hope and wishful thinking, if only we are perfect and perfectly open and vulnerable all the time things will come together. If only the man is happy and he will heal through me, everything will turn out how I hope it to be.

    In my experience a man can either do relationship or he can’t. Boom!

  235.  #235Kim on September 2, 2014 at 7:12 am

    Rori even says that her tools keep the wrong men around for longer, as well as making the right men step up….
    And I found this to be the case 100%.
    The question is, when to cut bait.

  236.  #236Labbit on September 2, 2014 at 7:14 am


    The way I like to look at it is that I’m not looking for a normal relationship. If I wanted a “normal” relationship where the communication isn’t great, where we barely connect except maybe through the physical and are really just two people living separate lives while living together, occasionally doing things together, I could have that. I could be married right now, with kids, and most likely miserable.

    I want an AMAZING relationship. The kind of relationship that fulfills both me and my man, where we grow together and have lots of fun doing it in an easy, relaxed, love-filled environment. I know this relationship type exists because I see friends who have it, who live it. If getting that means taking down every wall inside of me so that I can find a man who also is taking down every wall inside of him so together we can brilliant, well then yes I will take down every wall! And I truly believe that’s why we’re all (most?) here. Because average isn’t good enough for us…we deserve spectacular. I don’t believe we have to be fully healed to get that amazing relationship. I do believe we have to be looking inside though, seeing where the healing needs to take place so we can always be opening ourselves up and expanding into love, peace and greatness.

  237.  #237Victoria on September 2, 2014 at 7:19 am

    @ Kim 226
    I ask myself this question too, once in a while.
    It comes from a place where I have other questions, such as “Why can some women eat whatever they like and not gain weight?”, and even “why was I able to eat whatever I like in my teens, and never gained any weight”.
    The short answers are
    1) life is not fair
    2) we get older and there is no guarantee ever that what we took for granted in young age will be a given later in life
    3) the only person you can ever change is yourself.

    By the way, as an outside observer, it seems to me that you write about MoM with the same level of intensity that you used to write about Wildchild (i.e. you did not favor one over the other much), and it seems to me that you did not like too much either of them in your heart of hearts. Seems that you simply need more new CDs.

  238.  #238Kim on September 2, 2014 at 7:23 am

    Labbit – AMEN,
    Love it

  239.  #239Femininewoman on September 2, 2014 at 7:23 am

    Kim you are right. Sometimes even chemical imbalances prevent men from committing. I have some of CCarter’s work and he talks about that too.

  240.  #240Femininewoman on September 2, 2014 at 8:16 am

    : Donna says:
    Oh I need some help and advise! I am a widow. Lost my husband of 22 years 21 months ago. After the grieving process I discovered what loneliness was. I went on a dating site and did meet someone. We have been dating each other exclusively five months. We really enjoy each others company but recently his ex-wife has entered the picture. She left him 10 years ago for another man. Moved to another city. Well when she has now left the man she was with and lives with her brother in the same town we live in. The problems are starting. His ex is needy. He has helped her find a job, helped her open a bank account, helped her fix her vehicle, and most recently rented a UHaul and moved her from the other guys house back to her brothers house here in our town. I have told him I do not like this especially now that we have made a commitment to see each other exclusively. He tells me I am insecure. Well he the heck wouldn’t be! So we are still seeing each other but this “thing” is between us. I am trying to be understanding but part of me says RUN! Need some advice! Help me sort this out PLEASE!

    Thursday, 14 August 2014 @ 9:14am

    453: Rori Raye says:
    Donna – I’ve been in sort of this situation. There can be all kinds of reasons – he could still be in love with her, he could be NOT in love with you (yet) – at any rate, you are locked in battle with this woman. Try this to get more clarity – REVERSE IT!!!! “Oh – you’re such a great man to care about another person like this…I totally understand that she was so important in your life and you want to be helpful to her, and yeah, I’m just a girl here, and girls don’t like sharing time with their men with other women…and since it’s so obviously important to you, and she’s an actual friend of yours now, perhaps you could introduce me to her so that it’s the three of us, and I can feel less jealous….” In other words – go from discomfort to absolute acceptance and love – and start Circular Dating, and get yourself some friends! Women AND MEN!!!!

    If you’re going to fight for a man – your weapons are vulnerability, authenticity, independence and great sex. If you need work on any of those things – get a coach! Any of my Certified Coaches will support you, help you – and if they feel you need to get un-exclusive and Circular Date more radically, they’ll tell you, and tell you how. Love, Rori

  241.  #241Kim on September 2, 2014 at 8:29 am

    Thanks Fw….great article..never saw it

  242.  #242Femininewoman on September 2, 2014 at 8:34 am

    Christine’s jealousy — the way she’s expressing it, is working against her.
    And she’s in an impossible situation. The more she worries about his connection with this woman, the more she feeds it.
    If she would focus her energy on herself, instead, and ramp up the attraction between her and her man instead of obsessing, thinking about him all the time and essentially dialing DOWN the attraction — he would likely move further away from from this other woman and closer to Christine.
    Love, Rori

  243.  #243Azure Blu on September 2, 2014 at 8:34 am

    Indigo #227
    Lovely Siren!!!
    I agree with your thoughts here…

    I too have worked many years on changing ME…
    Usually because a relationship has gone bad…
    realizing, over the years, that I choose the wrong men..
    even stopped dating for 10 years while raising my children because I couldn’t figure out how to be with nice men….
    But it is really in MY best interest that I make these changes…
    ME getting more and more comfortable being Azure Blu…
    and of course the Rori tools have really taken me to a a place where I feel Soooo good about ME (getting better everyday)
    I truely was emotionally impaired…
    I do go through thinking… Why do the women ALWAYS have to be the ones working on the relationship… do this, don’t do this…

    BUT NOW… it’s all about ME!!!
    How I feel,
    What makes ME happy
    what I want.. what I DON’T want
    It feels VERY powerful

  244.  #244Femininewoman on September 2, 2014 at 8:38 am

    Why do the women ALWAYS have to be the ones working on the relationship?

    Really we don’t have to. No one dictates that women have to. The thing is we are very aware of the awesome value of relationhsips so we choose to work on them. No one however said that men should not. As a matter of fact I know of men in their 40s and older who work on themselves and on building their relationships.

  245.  #245Kim on September 2, 2014 at 8:58 am

    238 Azure – I do agree with that too.
    In fact, working on me has made me much more aware of what my boundaries are, what feels good to me and what I want for my life, as well as appreciate things in the moment.

    If anything, it has made me less likely to stick with a man who does not want the same things as me. I might have dragged someone like wildchild or MoM behind my horse for years, hoping, wishing, twisting myself. Now, I don’t.
    I see what is on offer and I can choose what feels good to me.

  246.  #246Azure Blu on September 2, 2014 at 8:59 am

    Labbitt #210.
    Huggsss, sweet, lovely Siren…
    I agree with Indigo…
    one week is a long time to go without contact…
    It would make most sirens feel agitated….
    I know you and Tender are wanting to go slow…
    As you mention…Loving YOU is the best!!!

  247.  #247Azure Blu on September 2, 2014 at 9:09 am

    Kim #240….
    much love and warm vibrations to you…

    You, my gentle Siren, have had to make 2 very important decisions in the last month
    regarding 2 CDs that you were liking quite a bit…
    You are my inspiration!!!

    YOU looked at alll aspects…
    Asked them for what YOU wanted and needed…
    Asked several times (I might add)
    and discovered, that each one, in their own way
    was NOT able to give YOU what you want

    YOU are sooo good to YOU!!!
    Giving YOURSELF the LOVE and RESPECT

    In my humble opinion, You have made a Very good
    choice in letting MoM go…
    I too get the feeling he is NOT wanting what YOU want and still is trying to keep you cause he
    got exactly what he wanted for an entire year
    (YOU gave it a year to see if he could step up)
    and doesn’t want to face the facts that YOU
    are saying NO MORE!!!

  248.  #248Azure Blu on September 2, 2014 at 9:11 am

    FW #235
    You are soooo wonderful to take the time and
    find this Rori post!!! I remember it…
    Thank you

  249.  #249Azure Blu on September 2, 2014 at 9:16 am

    Lovely Sirens,
    Today is my Birthday!!! I’m 63
    I got carded on Sunday!!!! HOW coool is that???

    My darling girl friend of 20 years is taking me to lunch today… Another girl friend is taking me out to dinner tonight
    All my friends and family have sent me love and happy wishes!!!
    I feel sooo good being remembered and surrounded by their LOVE and Caring!!!
    I forgot to tell Spirit it was my birthday today…
    I’ll let him know later today…

  250.  #250Kim on September 2, 2014 at 9:24 am

    Happy Happy Birthday Azure!!
    You got ID’d?? OMGosh, that is incredible.
    What a great birthday present haha!

    Have a lovely, lovely day…enjoy!
    I will be thinking of you!

    BTw thank you for your posts to me, they totally resonate.
    I will answer his email.
    I am not really willing to talk. In his email he made it pretty clear that it’s my jealousy and insecurity and that he isn’t going to change what he does one iota. I don’t think this non-compromise attitude, not cherishing my feelings, would work in a relationship in the long one.
    And as you say, I tested it for a year, and it hasn’t worked. Testing time is over.
    I could not bear to step onto a plane further attached to a man who probably wouldn’t even drive me to the airport if his ex broke a fingernail…lol…sad but true.
    I would be happy to talk if he showed any willingness to pursue a committed relationship with me. He is only talking about fun times…well, we all want fun times…

  251.  #251Dominique on September 2, 2014 at 9:27 am

    Lucy – 224 – And I would ask you where this belief came from.

    A good man may not be as overt about his work on self, he may not show love to you in ways you are accustomed, yet he will do all of this and more. A good man will take your lead in the healing and heal through you. have you read my article on this?

    And leaning back is not an unnatural state. It’s actually your natural state which has been lost or forgotten along the way.


  252.  #252Dominique on September 2, 2014 at 9:28 am

    Here is another which may help –


  253.  #253Dominique on September 2, 2014 at 9:28 am

    Here is another which may help –


  254.  #254Dominique on September 2, 2014 at 9:28 am

  255.  #255lovetodance on September 2, 2014 at 9:31 am

    Darling Kim,
    forgive me for jumping in here without having dialogue with you before this….

    but i do remember in a post fairly far back you stating that you were not in love with MoM…..again forgive me if I got this wrong here….

    but if that is the case that you are not in love….is it possible that the siren you, in your heart of hearts is re-directing your energy so as you will be in greater alignment with your genuine self….?

    By the way i feel….
    you are spicey and feisty and also a very entertaining writer! i could see you with a blog of your own…..just my 2 cents!

  256.  #256lovetodance on September 2, 2014 at 9:36 am

    Such Big Birthday Hugs And Appreciation To You Azure Blu On Your Birthday Today!

    Your Beauty and Energy is Timeless! Thank You For All The Love And Wisdom You Share On This Blog…..

  257.  #257Femininewoman on September 2, 2014 at 9:37 am

    Happy Birthday Azure.

  258.  #258Femininewoman on September 2, 2014 at 9:37 am

    Happy Birthday Azure.

  259.  #259Dominique on September 2, 2014 at 9:38 am

    Happy! Happy!! Happy!!! Day!!! Gorgeous Goddess Azure Blu.

    Love to you.


  260.  #260Kim on September 2, 2014 at 9:42 am

    250 love to dance…weeee, thank you.

    I have always held back with MoM. I never felt he was all-in. I never let myself fall in love, it is true.

    I certainly liked him a lot, and we had fun times, and on occasion when we were semi-close, I definitely felt loving feelings towards him. Though, I always had a blockage, it is true. There was something holding me back to letting myself fall for him.

  261.  #261Kath on September 2, 2014 at 10:11 am

    Ladies, I need your valuable advice and observations on something. He slept in the spare room last night and was having a day off today (planned) so I didn’t see him before I went to work. He didn’t text or communicate in any way with me until I got home from work and he walked into the kitchen and asked whether I was doing anything for tea or we were “fending for ourselves”. I said he could cook his own. He went upstairs and when he came down again I said I see why I should make any effort at all when he had been home all day. He said he was “popping out” and I bet he comes back with a take away for himself!. I went into the spare room when he’d gone and he’s made up the bed for himself and left porn cds out- urgh!- that made me feel really bad!- Is he waiting for me to do or say something????

  262.  #262Kath on September 2, 2014 at 10:12 am

    Sorry- I should have said I said to him I didn’t see why I should make the effort when…..

  263.  #263Kath on September 2, 2014 at 10:15 am

    So sorry for being so self centred- Happy Birthday Azure Blu! x

  264.  #264Femininewoman on September 2, 2014 at 10:19 am

    Kath overall what is the relationship like? Do you feel it is worth your effort? How do you feel in it?

  265.  #265Kath on September 2, 2014 at 10:30 am

    Hi FW- It was very good-at least I thought it was. We’ve had a few arguments but I put that down to two people getting to know each other. But then I had a couple of alarm bells which have knocked my confidence and belief in whether his feelings for me are genuine. He still text flirts his x-wife and recently sent her a text telling her how proud he was of her. He still keeps in contact with his X whom he refers to as “Psycho” but won’t delete her number from his phone saying he’d rather know it was her calling and then decide if he answers it or not. Gradually my eyes and ears have been pricking up to the point where I don’t trust him. Lately he’s started calling me names when we argue “bitch and “princess” as a derogatory term are the popular ones at the moment. He seems to like trying to organise my time for me and I am starting to feel as though we are stuck. I am constantly tired and unwell because I am analysing and over analysing everything. I just don’t think he is thinking about this the same as me. We are supposed to be buying a house together but he hasn’t saved anything towards it in a year and keeps putting things off. I want it to stop and I want peace.

  266.  #266Kath on September 2, 2014 at 10:51 am

    Argh!- I don’t know why my comments keep being sent for moderation!!

  267.  #267Kath on September 2, 2014 at 11:14 am

    FW- its had its wobbles it has to be said and I have had a few alarm bells but I have also learned that he is not open with me and not honest and that concerns me greatly. It means I question whether I can trust him. Recently he has also become very rude to me and I don’t feel he respects me at all which makes me feel sick to my stomach that I have maybe made another terrible mistake!

  268.  #268Violette on September 2, 2014 at 11:30 am

    Kim I had to leave the country I really loved, and it was awful for a couple of years, and now as it turns out I live in a different town, and love it beyond belief. It hasn’t been easy but it’s ok. Much luck to you wherever life may take you!

    I wish we could all live wherever we want.

  269.  #269Violette on September 2, 2014 at 11:31 am

    Another thing that really helps me release dead weight (bad men) is cleansing rituals. Taking a cleansing bath. Washing hand laundry. Washing my hair. Doing the dishes. Letting them leave my body.

  270.  #270Violette on September 2, 2014 at 11:34 am

    I still can’t believe how much AD is coming forward. He keeps calling and texting and wanting to get closer. He keeps giving me compliments. I do enjoy it, although it almost makes me want to raise my boundaries more, because if it’s working so well so far…oh well. I’m only human. One date at a time.

    It’s nice though. I can’t remember the last time I’ve actually trusted a man to this extent.

    And by the way it isn’t anything I’ve done. I’ve behaved with him the same way I’ve behaved with the guy who sent me nasty text messages last week, and the guy who slept with me and never called. It’s just him, it’s all about my luckily meeting this guy who happens to be this way. It’s not always about me and being a better person. Sometimes a good guy comes along and thinks I’m great just as I am.

  271.  #271Indigo on September 2, 2014 at 11:42 am

    Kim 229,

    But that’s just it. Believe it or not, I *do* have the relationship I want – with the men in my life, and with myself. It may not look like what you want, or what someone else might want. But it is exactly where I want to be. I am happy in my life.

    I don’t entertain notions of “if only I were perfect he would such and such”, I assure you. I do everything to do with my self growth and healing for *me* and ME alone. To make me happier. To give me greater peace.

    Believe this or not, it is no skin off my nose. I don’t put men on a pedestal and I don’t twist myself in pretzels to keep them around. I create the life which *I* want, that gives me the most fulfillment and joy.

  272.  #272Indigo on September 2, 2014 at 11:44 am

    Labbit 231,

    Yes yes 1000 times YES.

  273.  #273Indigo on September 2, 2014 at 11:45 am

    Azure Blu 238,

    Oh yes.


  274.  #274Indigo on September 2, 2014 at 11:49 am

    Happy birthday, lovely Azure Blu


  275.  #275Kim on September 2, 2014 at 12:03 pm

    Violette thank you for sharing your move. It feels so good to hear that!

  276.  #276Kim on September 2, 2014 at 12:04 pm

    Indigo, I am sorry, I must have missed something – I am not on here all the time.
    So happy for you that you have your relationship! You go girl! 🙂

  277.  #277prplpsn28 on September 2, 2014 at 12:12 pm

    Congrats Kyla!

    Happy Birthday Azure Blu!

  278.  #278Femininewoman on September 2, 2014 at 12:35 pm

    Kath I believe you have to talk to him.

    Are you financially independent? Can you entertain the thought of moving out and moving on?

  279.  #279Labbit on September 2, 2014 at 12:53 pm

    Happy Birthday, dear sweet Azure Blu!!! It sounds like you have a wonderful day planned and it’s no wonder people around you are showering you with love. I think it’s beyond fabulous that you got carded, LOL! Happy day to you.

  280.  #280Azure Blu on September 2, 2014 at 1:16 pm

    Labbitt #231!!!!!

  281.  #281Azure Blu on September 2, 2014 at 1:19 pm

    Ohhhh…. Wonderful, Warm, Kind, Lovely Sirens….
    You are making my Wonderful Birth Day
    Even MORE marvelous with alll your Warm hearted

    I can only tell you how much your friendship
    and thoughtful sharing mean to ME!!!
    You have talked me off the ledge,
    cheered me on to greater courage
    Cried with me and laughed at my silliness!!!
    You Alll Are THE BEST!!!
    LOVE YOU!!!

  282.  #282Waterfall on September 2, 2014 at 1:29 pm

    @ Kim

    Hey Kim! I’m just catching up on the blog and reading your story.

    Boy is it touching a nerve with me!

    Forgive me, but I am seeing so many similarities as with my own relationship with D.

    He would send me a deluge of texts, emails and phone calls trying to win me back – but he would sadly ALWAYS ignore the issues I had raised. It was really hard! Still is…

    I think a lot if my problem is because I feel and think that I am such a fair person, and I treat other people fairly and with respect … And I just EXPECT that back.

    For example I felt D held back from me certain aspects of his life. I was with him for over a year and I never met his friends OR his family.

    Sometimes he would disappear off and I didn’t know where he was. Or we’ed arrange to do something, and then he would just do his own thing.

    That sort of didn’t bother me in a way, because plans always change etc… It was more the way he’d do it. He’d either drop it into conversation or it would come out of left field. Either way it left me feeling uncomfortable.

    Yet, all of the time he seemed to refuse to acknowledge MY feelings. It is weird. Yet he ia begging and begging me to go back to him.

    This is what I don’t understand.?! Lol. I just expect common decency. Example if you say you are going to do something then do it. And don’t belly ache if someone doesn’t want to be wirh you because you are flaky?!

    Ho hum…. I feel so confused and tension in my back and butterflies in my stomach…

    I also feel a bit nauseus…
    Like I can’t move, can’t relax….

  283.  #283Sophie on September 2, 2014 at 1:29 pm

    Happy Birthday Azure Blu!!! So glad you’re feeling all the love you so openly share with us coming right back at you!!! Oh and being Id’d (uk phraseology) rocks! What wonderful energy 🙂 xx

  284.  #284Waterfall on September 2, 2014 at 1:36 pm

    @ Azure Blue

    Happy birthday & warm hugs dear Siren!

    Is your birthday today?

    Whaf have you done with your day?

    I hope you’ve had fun!! 🙂

  285.  #285Waterfall on September 2, 2014 at 1:38 pm

    @ Kath

    Oooh sweet siren your situation sounds yucky!!

    How long have you been with this guy? How are you feeling…

  286.  #286Sophie on September 2, 2014 at 1:42 pm

    265 Indigo “I am happy in my life” I feel motivated and hopeful with all that you write Indigo – this one statement who can wish for more than that?! You have achieved the one thing that for me seems so complex and elusive (certainly right now and actually often). I will keep on striving and watching like a hawk for the clues on how I find this for myself. How I keep feeling into and towards this place. One day I dream and intend to say also ‘I feel happy in my life” and this statement will be entirely independent on whether there is or there isn’t a man. Actually probably I need to be able to say I feel happy in my life WITH a man as as a rule I have tended to feel at my happiest and most peaceful without a man so there is still much healing to be done for me.

  287.  #287Waterfall on September 2, 2014 at 1:47 pm

    Right… So what am I learning?! Should I sink down into the soup …

    Why do I feel so confused all of the time?!

    What do I want? What do I feel?!

    And breathe…. Phewww

    Like Rori says, these men are to “practise” on! Hehe I love that, it makes me smile and chuckle…

    And I’m taking a deep breath in & out…

    I’ve just noticed something…. I feel very ‘left out’ at work.

    There is a girl who I work with who is very loud and I always feel fragile and vulnerable when I am around her. She is hyper crytical of me, as are some of my other work colleagues…


    I feel extremely negative… Oooh negative energy crushing down on me… Sitting in my stomach… Grrrr..

    I feel everyone hates me and I can’t do ANYTHING well. I’m at the bottom of every list. Actually I am NOT even on the list…

    Then when I start to feel vulnerable and sadI start thinking about D and him putting his big, strong, soothing arms around me… And thats when I melt into him. Thats when I need him, to take the pain away… And he does, he soothes me…

    But what is this about?! Why do I feel so unloved… So unpopular??!

    I feel-so tense in my shoulders….

  288.  #288Kim on September 2, 2014 at 1:57 pm

    (((Waterfall))) ugh 🙁

    Well, the weirdest thing has happened. I do no longer feel the need to even reply to MoM’s email any longer.

    I don’t feel the need to be right.
    I don’t feel the need to argue and say ‘but’ and explain myself in detail for the 4th time…
    I only wanted my feelings respected and cherished and that isn’t happenin, hasn’t happened and by me returning a ‘but’ email, even with feeling messages, it won’t either.

    I just: give up.

  289.  #289Azure Blu on September 2, 2014 at 2:07 pm

    Ohhhh… Kim #282
    Wow… I LOVE what you are saying here!!!

    How perfect… I feel like you are feeling
    VERY good with YOUR decision…
    Very OK within YOUR heart!!!

    What a wonderful place to be….
    I feel vERY happy for you darling girl!!!

  290.  #290Azure Blu on September 2, 2014 at 2:09 pm

    I feel all sorts of Self LOVE going on in YOUR life…
    Mmmmmm…. the best.

  291.  #291Oshun on September 2, 2014 at 2:14 pm

    Azure, happy birthday! Many blessings your way.

  292.  #292Waterfall on September 2, 2014 at 2:33 pm

    @ Kim

    I envy you, you are in such a healthy, positive place! I just wonder – Have you accepted MoM for doing his best? I have accepted D. He drives me crazy… But at the same time I tryand understand that he may have his reasons. No doubt he does..
    I feel angry and sad that he isn’t right for me.

    Hmmm… Not sure if I’ve explained it very well…

  293.  #293Kim on September 2, 2014 at 2:46 pm

    I accept him with his flaws but that doesn’t mean I can accept him for a relationship when he doesn’t show any will to compromise or cherish my feelings and instead insists on
    keeping the ex attachment and wants to date me without a commitment.
    That I will not accept.
    He is a little different from me, hesitant, afraid and not as active as me. I can totally accept that as I don’t think it is realistic to look for a clone. I look for a man with his faults just like I have mine.
    Though, I also look for someone who wants the same as I do for the future.
    I was dating this guy with severe flaws for a while, MrP, he has very bad ADHD and all types of stuff going on that made him unreliable and impulsive. Again, I could have accepted all that had he been committed to me….alas he was not.
    So all in all I agree with radical acceptance – of a man who is in front of us, and wants the same things as we do.
    I don’t see much point in radically accepting being offered crumbs…you know?

  294.  #294Kim on September 2, 2014 at 2:47 pm

    Oh I think you mean forgiving?
    I don’t blame MoM for not stepping up. At all. That’s his decision. I know he likes me a lot and probably just couldn’t do more. I have a lot of compassion for that. I feel he is suffering for sure.

  295.  #295Waterfall on September 2, 2014 at 2:48 pm

    I personally don’t feel I have let D go, because I still feel so much anger towards him..

    Wow! That has brought up some emotions in me!! My first boyfriend 20 years ago. I am still angry at him!!! Lol, I have never got over it!!!

    Hmmm…. Interesting…

  296.  #296Waterfall on September 2, 2014 at 2:52 pm

    @ Kim

    I do mean accepting, not forgiving.
    Forgiving suggest he has done something wrong, when he is just being himself. It is your interpretation that he has done something ‘wrong’ I believe.

    That doesn’t mean you won’t feel anger, resentment feelings of self righteousness etc…

    I am going through all those emotions with D. I still am not letting go emotionally, I feel that in my gut because I still feel angry…

    Ahhhhh, its tough…

  297.  #297Waterfall on September 2, 2014 at 2:54 pm

    Hmmm…. Wow that has brought up so many feelings and emotions in me….

  298.  #298Waterfall on September 2, 2014 at 2:59 pm

    The trouble is I see myself as weak and vulnerable and wanting to be looked after and protected!! Lol, I hate feeling like that! I want to be a tough, independent woman… I’m feeling like I am going through an identity crisis..

  299.  #299Kim on September 2, 2014 at 3:00 pm

    No no, sorry, I knew when I wrote forgiving that I used the wrong word lol. If he had mislead me, yes, but he never did.

    The only thing I needed to forgive was getting stood up for a romantic weekend and that is long done….just not forgotten lol.

    I agree…I think they do their best. Some people are users and I don’t think they dontheir best but MoM is a really good guy…so absolutely. I have accepted that he tried his best and that there is nothing more to come most likely.
    Totally at peace with that.

  300.  #300Waterfall on September 2, 2014 at 3:17 pm

    @ Kim

    Have you heard the quote:

    Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Br kind.

    I learnt this just recently.

    But I really am feeling it..

    The more I got to know D I realised it was more about him, and his issues rather than me.

    As a kind friend said to me once: its not all about you..

    I mean that in the nicest possible way.

    You maybe angry because deep down you really care and these are your true feeling of frustration. If this man had not meant anything to you then you would not be angry. Or at least that is how I feel…

    I sometimes feel so unbelievably exasperated with D. But I then laugh to myself as of course he is trying his best. No matted what that ‘best’ is – and what it might look like.

    You say some men are ‘users’ but you have to ask yourself. What then are these men looking for? Are they using you? Your body? Your kindness? Are they using you for love? Aren’t we all guilty of that in that case..

    We all want love, but some people don’t know how to go about it.

    You asked why is it women who only go down the self-help route. But to me thats like asking why don’t women play with toy cars or play football? Mainly it all comes down to conditioning. It is ALL alien to them and scary.

    I used to get angry at men who were closed minded and closed off. Those that seemed like ‘users”. I kept thinking how why was it that a lot of men I knew treated women really well. I used to get incredibly angry when a man seemed, well toxic… Or a user… Then I developed pity… I realised how sad this man must be that he didn’t have the confidence to really embrace the openness of a relationship..

  301.  #301Waterfall on September 2, 2014 at 3:19 pm

    … Sry for all the typos! Its late and its so hard to write on my iphone!

  302.  #302teresa on September 2, 2014 at 3:52 pm

    Happy Birthday Azure Blu!

  303.  #303teresa on September 2, 2014 at 3:53 pm

    I spoke with my private coach for the first time today….8 weeks of getting myself back on track. I am feeling awesome today!!

  304.  #304teresa on September 2, 2014 at 3:58 pm

    294….you hit the nail on the head. Your last comment “I used to get angry at men who were closed minded and closed off. Those that seemed like ‘users”. I kept thinking how why was it that a lot of men I knew treated women really well. I used to get incredibly angry when a man seemed, well toxic… Or a user… Then I developed pity… I realized how sad this man must be that he didn’t have the confidence to really embrace the openness of a relationship..”. This is how I feel about G. Maybe he doesn’t know what it is like for someone to come in to his life that really cared.

  305.  #305Linda on September 2, 2014 at 4:41 pm

    Happy Birthday Azure ! Happy happy birthday !

    I had today off and it added more time to the holiday week end. Today I almost finished my “honey do list”. I got my ceiling in the entry all looking new again. (Had a water leak from 2 winters age -from ice issues ) I got the roofing issue resolved last summer… and just getting to the inside now. Took six coats of Kilz to seal up the water stains. My dad used to say…”dont rush into anything, think on it a while” … ummm yeah that is what I was doing. LOL

    My Grandson broke the door on my daughters TV cabinet back in the spring… That is glued, clamped and drying. Even got to fixing the broken swivel hook that held my flag on the rope in front of my house !

    Just need to take a couple of things that are too big for my washer to the laundry mat and after that my “honey do list ” will be empty ! I am feeling pretty well taken care of and I am hangin’ my boy hat in the closet for a while.


    While I was walking thru the hardware store today I noticed that I was feeling more open to people. Usually I just keep my head down and go about my errands. I made effort to engage in eye contact and smile. What a great place to practice a hardware store teeming with men. hehe Ask for help practice away!

  306.  #306lovetodance on September 2, 2014 at 4:54 pm

    linda 299

    you are inspiring!

  307.  #307Beloved on September 2, 2014 at 4:55 pm

    Warmest birthday wishes and big, soft hugs to you, Azure Blue! Thank you for being such a sweet and loving presence on the blog!

  308.  #308Beloved on September 2, 2014 at 5:13 pm

    This feels eerie.
    I visited with S an hour ago to pick up the check I left with her. She said she would tear it up, and I felt more comfortable with picking it up. I wanted to see her and be with her and sort of establish physically, that we are ok even though we feel disappointed.

    She said that she realized some of the things that bothered me, had bothered other people and maybe it was something she needed to change for herself. That she realized, if I lived there, I would need to depend on her keeping her word and she wanted to be that for me.

    I felt a lot softer and more peaceful with her.
    Apparently, she had decided, *after* she took the spare key with her, that she wanted to be there when I moved in. That wasn’t how she presented it to me, though – she first just said she had the key with her. It wasn’t until later that she said she wanted to be there when I moved in.

    So…maybe she just had a difficult time saying what she wanted and didn’t know “how” to say it. Because really, I would have been okay with moving in on Monday. In the heat of the moment, it didn’t occur to me that I had Monday off due to the holiday and didn’t think to suggest it and I had already dug my heels in.

    What feels eerie, though, is this reminds me SO much of when I was dating M several years ago, before I found Rori.
    S reminds me sooo much of they way I acted back then, and I remind myself soooo much of the way M was. M was probably better at saying what he felt than me, though. He would have said, “well, it doesn’t FEEL like you’re coming from soul right now!” instead of the way I held my tongue.

    I can’t help but feel that maybe we are both getting in the way of what we really want. I love being in her presence, in her house, I love that she is so flowy and feminine and has men buzzing around her all of the time. I love that she is going to Colorado this weekend to be hosted by a man she hasn’t yet met to do some carpentry work for her. I feel like I could learn SO much about being softer. So, maybe there are some lessons I DO want to learn.

    I feel a little foolish, because she is going to be gone traveling most of the time through December, she hardly would have been there. Which also may have been scary for her, to have me in her house while she was gone so much.

    I don’t want to talk it to death and flip-flop and go back and forth, though. I don’t want to be the one to lead and approach her to make things right – although I’ve been reading a lot of stuff lately about simple apologies, even if we aren’t wrong, for little stuff, is part of the glue of the relationship.

    So, I feel best not broaching the subject with her for now, and keep focused on the feelings I want to cultivate, focus on, “I want to trust”, which feels true now (didn’t feel true this weekend).

    Speaking of trust – the assignment I thought I missed, turned out not to be required until today and we went over the whole thing in class. Although – it was perfect that I spent so much time on it outside of class otherwise I would have been struggling way more in class and not been able to get the finishing touches completed. Yum 🙂

  309.  #309Beloved on September 2, 2014 at 5:19 pm

    Oh…AND….my misgivings about working with a room full of 20-something young men and my feelings of “teenage boy”-ness dissolved and melted at about precisely the moment that the Smoking Hawt young man at the end of my row unexpectedly and without my asking, leaned over my keyboard to help me with my drawing and in the process leaned on and breathed on me.

    I felt the warmth of contact and a small thrill which still has me giggling and smiling.

    I breathed it in …awww…hell yeah…and thought, this is so totally not going to suck. 🙂

  310.  #310teresa on September 2, 2014 at 5:40 pm

    I feel horrible….I can’t stop crying. Why am I letting G get to me? I want the pain to go away. I invested everything I had in him. Do men feel the same pain as we women do???? Or do they walk away and say “next”?

  311.  #311Azure Blu on September 2, 2014 at 6:07 pm

    Beloved!!! #303
    “Helll YEAH!!! this totally isn’t going to suck!!!”
    Yes!!! so glad to see your sassiness !!!!
    We allll need a lot of attitude now and then!!!

  312.  #312Azure Blu on September 2, 2014 at 6:12 pm

    Linda … thank you for the Birthday wish!!! lovely lady
    YAY… honey do list completed!!!
    How GREAT is it to take masculine energy and take infinite care of YOU!!!

  313.  #313Femininewoman on September 2, 2014 at 6:27 pm

    I think of forgiving in terms of letting go of my need to be right. I forgive for my own sake. It lets me off the hook. I can let go of anger and resentment so they don’t hold me prisoner. I even say “I forgive you” out loud to people who are dead. It really frees up a lot of energy inside me.

  314.  #314Beloved on September 2, 2014 at 6:33 pm

    Feminine Woman, I appreciate you SO much.
    I’ve been contemplating your reflections – after so much time on the blog, I’ve seen time and again how valuable your insight is and take what you offer to heart.

    I’m feeling so much, this issue of trust.
    It isn’t about trusting S or myself or some guy or anyone else, what’s going on with me is developing my trust in life itself. Trust that I will be okay, trust that I will be cared for, trust that things can be different, trust that the love I sense in my others and feel sparks and flashes and glimmers of is real and can grow.
    Trust that I can relax, let my guard down, be loved, and that it can feel good and not scary and screw up my life.

    I want to trust.
    I feel willing to be open to the possibility of deeper trust.

  315.  #315Femininewoman on September 2, 2014 at 6:39 pm

    Thanks for saying that Beloved. I felt my heart swell up with love and appreciation for you, reading that.

    Yeah, developing is how I think of these things. I can’t say I know or that I have arrived. I just choose to be open, to remain open, to learn and just see what life brings to me when I choose to trust, to forgive, to love, to accept. Regardless.

  316.  #316Azure Blu on September 2, 2014 at 6:42 pm

    I’m thinking Rori mentions that we should be considering our feelings, our wants and
    But it is NOT our business what a man is feeling or thinking..
    i am worried you are considering what a man may be thinking or feeling
    and actually we DON’T know…
    What IS important is
    What we are FEELING NOW…
    and LOVING our feelings… alll of them!

  317.  #317Beloved on September 2, 2014 at 6:44 pm

    Just Say It

    “Their deep knowledge of the subject makes the Afifis clear-eyed about how much people can change over time. “Small steps are realistic; personality overhauls are not,” Walid says. Case in point: “Many men are awful at giving support. I know all there is to know on the topic from an academic perspective, and yet I’m still awful at it! So Tammy has learned to tell me explicitly how she wants me to support her and what she needs me to say.”

    I liked them sharing this because so many times I have felt like my partner should be a mind reader, and just KNOW when I need or want something, and feel horribly abandoned and bitter when I didn’t get help. (Also have experiences of repeatedly asking clearly and explicitly for help I never got…which is why certain exes are exes 😀 )

    This is what I really need to practice more – I recently hurt a casual FB friend’s feelings over feeling angry about her naivete on certain touchy subjects:

    “The worst time to bring up a delicate theme is when you’re angry or anxious—an inconvenient truth, since those are the very states that compel us to vent. When you’re upset, take a walk. And if a difficult chat makes you upset, it’s also wise to step away. But don’t leave the conversation open indefinitely. “You have to hit ‘Play’ again, but not until you’re feeling calm,” communications professor Jennifer Bevan says.”

  318.  #318prplpsn28 on September 2, 2014 at 6:47 pm

    Ok sirens. I need your help now. H just texted me after 2 wks of no contact since our last talk that never really happened cuz he shut down. All he said was that his old phone gave out and he now has the same phone I have. What?! How do I respond to that? Do I respond? Help!

  319.  #319Azure Blu on September 2, 2014 at 7:02 pm

    Hugggsss… YOU are doing sooo great!!!

    think about alll the things You know he has NOT
    done for you… alll the ways he has lied and cheated
    and left you alone…
    think about what YOU really want in a relationship
    Think about allll the things you DON’T KNOW
    about that he HAS done
    THink about WHAT YOU DO DESEREVE!!!
    think about how BRAVE You have been
    by NOT contacting HIM…
    Do you WANT CRUMBS?
    or the WHOLE CAKE…
    HE CAN’T give you the whole cake….
    Be strong… YOU are doing GREAT!!!
    Leave him alone!!! like HE has left you for soooo long…

  320.  #320Oshun on September 2, 2014 at 7:40 pm

    M who?!

    I feel invincible, feminine, flirtatious, and divine. Yes, all at the same time! I have a weekend full and it’s Tuesday! The last time this happened was…NEVER! Thursday I have a “meet & greet” that’s what I call first dates. Meet, see if we like each other enough for a second, and go from there. Friday is my “Me date”. Saturday plans with a platonic CD. Sunday is usually my day to go to yoga and brunch. That hasn’t changed.

    I’ve been doing the water wheel visualizations whenever it crosses my mind or when I feel myself thinking about drama. It feels good to imagine love coming towards me. I did it during a facial I was getting at work and drifted to sleep.

    I like feeling this way. It doesn’t feel good to worry about a man and his actions…or lack thereof. Now my goal is to train myself to keep this up for as long as I can.

  321.  #321Femininewoman on September 2, 2014 at 7:52 pm

    “And, yes, depending on what he texted you – you can and might do well texting him “back.”

    If it feels like a RESPONSE – then calling or texting or emailing “back” is the way to go.

    Love, Rori

  322.  #322Kim on September 2, 2014 at 8:18 pm

    294 agreed waterfall.
    And where there isma user, there is always one willing to be used, now I know they are one and the same.

    I feel light.

    I feel so happy to have met with friends and see them tonight conspiring wiith a plan to keep me here.
    It might not work out but I feel so much love come towards me. Unconditional love.

    It feels sooooo good.

    More than a man was able to show me for many years.

    I feel happy

  323.  #323Liquid Light on September 2, 2014 at 9:31 pm

    Happy Birthday Azure!!!

  324.  #324Liquid Light on September 2, 2014 at 9:37 pm

    OMG, I just had the best date. I haven’t had a good date like that in such a long time!! I mean he was attractive (dressed really well in suit and tie, just got off of work), smart, nice, and respectful. He wasn’t all over me and in fact it was awkward goodbye because he didn’t know what to do and shook my hand. And then have me a hug. It was so refreshing!!! Anyway, it was an awesome date and I have faith in the male species again….hahahaha!!!

    That’s the good news. The bad news is that he’s very newly separated. In fact its only been a couple months! So that seems like a big warning sign. I’m not sure though. What do you all think? Do you think that there’s potential there or is he just too freshly off of being separated to be able to date someone seriously? Advice please…I’m really excited about this guy and it feels great to feel this way because its been so long!!! On the other hand, maybe its just pie in the sky???? Help!!!!

  325.  #325MS1980 on September 2, 2014 at 11:54 pm

    Hello, there… looking for some support and encouragement from other sirens….
    I started circular dating about a month ago. I feel, excited, and overwhelmed to practice receiving and feel powerful….
    I’m finding myself still hung up on one guy that I started dating about five months ago… the pain and disappointment from this experience is what cause me to start seeking answers and I found Rori….

  326.  #326Kath on September 3, 2014 at 1:01 am

    FeminineWoman, You must be inside my head!- You always post the right stuff for me to listen to and learn from!

    There have been four people in our relationship- him and his X-wife, him and his X (he calls her Psycho!) and him and me. I have voiced my jealousy, insecurity and sometimes complete lack of understanding about why he is having contact with them at all when it is invariably not a positive experience for him. I have tried to deal with the feelings it brigs up in me but he has continued to have “secret” contact with them and even told about me and how I get funny about him contacting them!!- I have tried to make friends with his x-wife for his children’s sake, but the other X is a big nasty elephant in the room that he can’t discuss with me unless its memories of when they were together -It is so hurtful!!-

  327.  #327Kath on September 3, 2014 at 1:17 am

    #274FW- We’re renting and yes, I am mostly financially independent. I have hopefully found a flat to move into at the end of the month. It is going to be really tough over the next few weeks- but I can do this.
    #281 Waterfall- We’ve been together for nearly four years. I have tried to deal with his “odd” ways and the fact that he can’t finish anything or let anyone go. That he is emotionally damaged from childhood (aren’t we all??!!) and likes to blame everyone else except himself for all the wrong in his life. Over recent months we have just got to a point when it obvious he doesn’t like me at all and I’m wondering whether its because I am picking up on all the negative things he throws out and the selfish, self centred attitude he has and not accepting it anymore. He therefore must feel that he’s been rumbled and is now craving attention from his “other women” including his daughter whom he actually has a very good relationship with- the thing is I do too and she and I have spent some great times together on our own- I will so micc the contact with his kids and the grandkids who all call me Nana!- Oh Wow- I feel soo desperately sad.

  328.  #328Kath on September 3, 2014 at 1:17 am

    I meant to say miss not micc sorry! x

  329.  #329Femininewoman on September 3, 2014 at 2:26 am

    Kath it does sound like a lot of baggage and like you are carrying a lot of weight. I can feel the sadness and understand how this might feel devastating for you. However, I know I can’t be in a relationship where the man doesn’t respect me. Four years is a long time but your peace of mind and healing heart is more important. A fractured relationship could cause you to become sick. I believe you are doing the right thing for you. At least for now. Maybe when he misses your presence and your energy he might find it in himself to fall in love again and to change. In the mean time you’ve got to take care of yourself so you get back to your happy place.

  330.  #330teresa on September 3, 2014 at 4:07 am


    312 take a deep breath you have time to reply

  331.  #331Waterfall on September 3, 2014 at 5:57 am

    @ Azure Blue

    Wow, thanks for the insight!! I hadn’t seen that. I poured out my heart on the blog last night because I felt so gut-wretchedly upset.

    I just feel like I needs tips right, left and centre.. It’s the thought of not being able to break old habits that I’m scared of. Well half the time I can’t really see what I am doing wrong.

    I know I feel ‘confused’ and this is one thing that stays in my mind all the time as a red flag. I know Rori says if we feel confused that it’s a real negative about the relationship. And, well, that about sums up how I feel…

    Was D offering me crumbs? I don’t believe he was. A friend said something to me once which stayed with me, and almost made me cry. She said he is happy with you, but you are not happy with him. And that for me just about summed it up.

    Well, anyway… I will try and breathe deeply and feel my feelings through this. If I want to cry I will cry…

    Certain things he did and said really upset me. He said he could tell that I never wanted children. Huh?? I never, ever said that to him!! He also said I was rude to one of my friends when I had felt completely let down by her and misunderstood. She had accused me of ignoring her when I was just deeply, deeply upset at the time and I tried to convey this too her, but she thought I was angry with her when I was not. In short I found

  332.  #332Waterfall on September 3, 2014 at 5:58 am

    …In short I found him very judgemental !

  333.  #333Indigo on September 3, 2014 at 6:03 am

    Kim 270,

    It is a work in progress, and I am MORE than happy with that! 🙂

  334.  #334Waterfall on September 3, 2014 at 6:06 am

    Anyway lovely sirens, onwards I guess…

    Today I am chilling at home and preparing for my mum to come and visit so I have my boy hat on! I love it!

    I am running around doing errands and cleaning and trying to make the place look spick & span!

    I have done loads recently. I have given my bedroom a makeover with new curtains, pictures & lights. I’ve also painted an old chest of drawers and brought it back to life. I think my mum will love it. People used to say my bedroom was very impersonal – hopefully now it looks more feminine… I’ve certainly used soft colours and it feels tranquil and a peaceful to be in there. Whereas before it was cluttered and full of jackets, bags, etc…

    Also, in other news I have booked a short trip to Croatia. I’m really looking forward to it. I’m going to go walking in the mountains and I know I need some new walking boots for this. Mine are falling to pieces!!

    At work I am uber busy! I love it though! I love feeling needed and I hate the thought of having work taken away from me. That’s why i I find it so difficult to take time off…

  335.  #335Indigo on September 3, 2014 at 6:07 am

    Sophie 280,

    Yes there is always more healing, but I do believe you can strive for happiness with your life and happiness with yourself in this moment.

    It’s a case of radically loving and accepting everything that is happening right now… with the belief that if it is happening, it is *meant* to be happening. Everything is taking you closer to where you want to go and be. Find and create and welcome and love the things in your life that bring you great joy. They are ALL around you.

  336.  #336Veronica on September 3, 2014 at 12:00 pm

    Sophie – 151 – I kept thinking of you in the midst of masculine men and you sinking into beautiful flowing softness.
    At least there is change – that reminds me – I use to think that to myself when I was in a rough patch and it has its own soothing hopefulness. I get a sense from your words that your energy is being dissipated and that there’s very little energy that’s rejuvenating/soothing coming back to you. If so, I hope things will change soon for you x

  337.  #337prplpsn28 on September 3, 2014 at 6:40 pm

    Last night I waited about an hour and a half and responded back to H. He asked if I had a good wknd. I kept my responses brief. I ended the conversation cuz it was late and I was tired. Not sure what that was all about but I’m trying not to think too much of it.

  338.  #338teresa on September 3, 2014 at 6:42 pm

    I received the sweetest text from G sister today. She wanted me to know that she is thinking about me. She also asked me to consider “do I want to be happy with the time I have left on this earth”? Move on and forget her brother. She said this is very hard to say but I can’t “fix” him even with all the love and support I give him but the only thing I can do is take care of myself. Teresa please think deep down in your heart. Lot’s of love!!

  339.  #339teresa on September 3, 2014 at 6:46 pm


    I would have text back also. Short and sweet!! WOO HOO

  340.  #340Azure Blu on September 3, 2014 at 6:48 pm

    LL thank you for the Siren Birthday wish!!

    I’m feeling your intuition stricking and Knowing
    full well this man IS NOT AVAILABLE…
    so you (your subconsious) BELieVE… LOVE it DIFFICULT!!
    He will fit right in…
    Be very carefull

  341.  #341Stephanie on September 3, 2014 at 8:07 pm

    Love this blog Rori! Such great advice for women to really know their bodies, and know what type of touch they like and where. To spend time exploring our magical and amazing bodies is a gift to ourselves.

    As I pass the mirror on my way to the shower, I pause for a moment to say, “Good morning beautiful” and say something nice to my body, complimenting a body part or feature.

    I sometimes take 3 – 5 minutes in the morning before I get dressed, and put on a song that makes me feel super sexy, or that urges my body to dance to.

    I let my body move the way it wants to without judgement. I dance around in my underwear and sometimes watch in the mirror to appreciate all of my curves and lusciousness. It’s incredibly empowering.

    Listen to your body, name her, love her, appreciate her, listen to her – she knows what she needs.

  342.  #342Lucy on September 3, 2014 at 8:52 pm

    HI everyone,

    Thank you for all your comments and especially to (((Kim)))) for being so open and sharing.

    I wasn’t really looking for advice, just a listening ear, and I do appreciate you all listening. Just was having a bad day. And sometimes I just like to shake it all up. Feel that’s part of being a Siren!

    I actually feel really good about myself today. Topping up on bio identical hormones, and my energy level just went through the roof. No more achy joints. So am doing all my “self” work and not even caring about techie CD. I mean, he touched me VERY deeply, and did care, and did say “I love you” — but it still wasn’t enough. And I feel ready to go beyond the disappointment of that.

    I feel ready and able to attract a man who is beyond even techie in looks, intelligence and ability to ADORE me. I do have a man like this who is flirting with me and is a real gentleman. Right now, he is just a friend.


  343.  #343Lucy on September 3, 2014 at 8:53 pm

    Azure Blu,

    HAPPY BIRTHDAY! That must be why I get on with you, because you Virgos are so smart and always serving others. Theres a young Virgo man I flirt with at work — we just adore each other. He is so bright, and a secret hippie at heart!


  344.  #344Azure Blu on September 3, 2014 at 9:25 pm

    Lucy #335//
    Sweet, darlin Siren…
    Thank you for birthday wishes!!
    Virgos ARE Awesome!!!
    and Yes…. I was a hippie and still am… at heart!!!

  345.  #345Rori Raye on September 3, 2014 at 10:16 pm

    Clarice – Welcome, and I just want to hug you – after 4 years – this is hard. AND – he’s clearly trying to be a good man. He feels his sister-in-law and nieces are in financial and life jeopardy, and that you are not. He may not want to marry you and “take you on.” It will not stop very soon, his giving money to them – because that’s how he’s managing his grief and feelings of responsibility. He does not feel responsible for you.

    It’s totally up to you if you want to live in this situation. You could likely interest him in marrying you if you were on board with helping out his brother’s family, and perhaps having a family yourself, and taking on a large part of the financial responsibility for all of you. It will not go away – it will get worse as money will continually be needed until his brother’s wife can find a way to financially provide for her self and her family. Not an easy thing for anyone. He sounds like a good man caught in a tough situation. You can either be his partner and helpmate, and accept this situation – or Circular Date and find someone you’d rather be married to….I can’t help you decide, because I don’t know either of you – AND – you’ll feel your way through this! Love, Rori

  346.  #346Veronica on September 3, 2014 at 11:37 pm

    Oh yay, the blog’s available.
    Happy Birthday dear sweet Azure! You were surrounded by so much love being expressed on your birthday – how beautiful. xx

  347.  #347teresa on September 4, 2014 at 4:05 am

    Good morning Sirens!!

    One day closer to the weekend! Feeling pretty, awesome, content and happy this morning. Dancing to a few tunes while getting ready for work.

  348.  #348Azure Blu on September 4, 2014 at 6:02 am

    Welcome lovely Siren…
    Loving YOU by CDing is good practice – Good for you!!

    and I also find it overwhelming at times!!! :-}
    And then I remind myself…. this IS FUN…

    a heartbreak (or 2) is what usually brings us all here
    to Siren Island… we are looking forward to reading your comments…

  349.  #349Azure Blu on September 4, 2014 at 6:06 am

    ((((Kim))) #322
    Ohhhh… darling….. I feel sooo happy to hear you were with friends “conspiring to keep you HERE”
    You sound loved and cared for…
    You, wonderful Siren, deserve all of that and MORE

  350.  #350Azure Blu on September 4, 2014 at 6:09 am

    Oshun #320
    Ahhhhh…. this all sounds sooo warm, happy and fun…

    I love this “M who?”

    I read a Rori enews yesterday and she was explaining the waterwheel tool…. I like it alot.

  351.  #351Azure Blu on September 4, 2014 at 6:26 am

    I hope you are feeling YOUR feelings and
    LOVING them today…
    i’m wishing for you a warm, sunshiny Thur!!
    lovely Siren

  352.  #352Azure Blu on September 4, 2014 at 6:42 am

    Thank you for the Birthday wishes!!
    Yessss… sooo much warm, sweet love
    surrounding ME!!!
    I feel AMAZING!!

    Spirit and I are getting emotionally closer…
    because I have been able to sustain MORE emotional intimacy…
    Last night I needed comforting… I texted him…
    and he was only texting… I was getting frustrated…
    My son said “mom, just call HIM, Its NOT fair for you to NOT call him.” Sooo… I asked Spirit “I want to talk… is now a good time?” and He called me immediately… :-))
    He talked about his golfing – he golfs Everyday!!!
    and then he listened to my issue (extremely bad treatment of me and my gf at a local bar)
    and said he wanted to talk to the owner about it (he knows her)
    I felt heard and cared for…
    Then he sang me the lovely song by the Snow Police “If I lay here… If I just lay here… will you lie with me and just forget the world”?
    I will tell him how I felt cared for tonight…
    We’re watching baseball at “Azure’s Tavern”
    tonight… :->

    Staying focused on ME and MY energy… which I have discovered is constantly going away from me…
    I have been working on feeling MY energy
    and bringing it back into MY body…
    This has seemed to calm my constant anxiety…
    Ahhhh…. how wonderful for ME…

  353.  #353Femininewoman on September 4, 2014 at 8:13 am

    Hi Clarice.

    “but I have told him about how his actions don’t make sense before”

    I always get defensive when I see this kind of thing written to someone or if I am told this. I feel my core area literally tighten up and my brain start bit of arguing almost on its own. Like a reflex action.

    My actions, my decisions are mine. They make sense to me. It is like how dare anyone tell me they don’t make sense. I take it personally like a criticism or personal attack so I get ready to fight.

    Maybe that is what happens for him also? I dunno. Just that it jumped out of your post at me so I wanted to bring it to your attention. I try to be very careful in my communication to avoid telling people that what they are saying or doing doesn’t make sense. It’s innocuous but it sets you up as superior to them like telling them they have no sense. I suspect that with men, it hits their resistance button so though it doesn’t make sense to us they continue doing it just to be in charge of their own decisions and their world.

    Just my thoughts……

  354.  #354Veronica on September 4, 2014 at 9:25 am

    Azure Blu – 352 – The up-floating good feeling energy is so palpable in your words.
    Spirit is so ready – calling when you want to talk, wanting to help, and then singing to you – oh that’s just beautiful. And your son …lol. ‘Azure’s Tavern’ sounds so inviting : ) oh this is gorgeous yumminess.

    Oh yeah sustaining more emotional intimacy – I’m speechless at times and don’t quite know how to be. And I feel disconnected with myself because I’m not taking care of me, tuning into me. Thank you for reminding me xx

  355.  #355Azure Blu on September 4, 2014 at 10:09 am

    Veronica… Ahhh… I feel warm reading your words…

    It’s funny that we seem to remind each other to stay connected to ourselves… That is Wonderful that we can do that for each other, lovely lady!!!

  356.  #356Sophie on September 4, 2014 at 11:35 am

    I am so depleted Veronica. Utterly depleted. There is soothing energy on here though 🙂

    I have three weeks until I move out of my home and B is now refusing to move his things from the attic so I can store mine or move his things from his room so I can paint it and clean the carpets. THERE ARE NO WORDS.

    He is the reason I am so utterly depleted. And the reason my nerves are shot. And the reason joy isn’t touching me much (Indigo 🙂 even though I try). And I take responsibility for my part in not being able to get rid of him – I know I can’t just blame blame blame. Still he is. And I cannot wait to be free of him. And I hope, as I shared in therapy earlier, that because its been so long and drawn out and enduring I will never ever ever do this again. Let a man into my life so freely before I know exactly who he is and what he’s about.

    Azure Blu and Veronica – your exchange is lovely – so warm and bubbling with gorgeousness 🙂

    I can’t get on the other thread yet. I hope its fixed soon.

    Purple – it feels great hearing that you kept your power with H – just great!!!

  357.  #357Azure Blu on September 4, 2014 at 11:55 am

    (((Sophie)))) #356
    Darling one… I feel sooo very sad for YOU!!!

    I feel angry about how B is acting like a small child and not helping at ALLLL>

    Thank you for the personal reminder about why to take time and get to know someone (well as much as possible) before letting them move in or moving in with them… Cause most of the time, our lives are quite lovely!!!

  358.  #358Oshun on September 4, 2014 at 12:09 pm


    So I have my meet & greet today and he’s already asking me to initiate contact more. Ummmm…it’s been two days since we met online. What is a good feeling message to express 1) that I’m feel more comfortable when a man initiates a majority of the time and 2) that he needs to chill out and let things like contact & such progress naturally? I told him to let it happen organically and he replies with “it’s not about organically. It’s about showing interest. ” Oh, goodness…*sigh*

  359.  #359Sophie on September 4, 2014 at 12:10 pm

    Thank you Azure Blu – I feel sad for me too but I really hope that it was necessary for me to feel this bad for so long to stop me making the same mistakes again … not even just in my home but with regards to exclusivity…we shall see. I feel excited that soon I’m going to get the space I need to really start beginning to enjoy myself again – like myself/love myself

    Having this energy in my life for so long has been really corrosive to my sense of self, self confidence and general well-being. It is going to be a joy to reclaim all the good things that I have temporarily lost.

    Yes! Let me be an example to everyone!!! ha ha ha Love yourselves, protect yourselves, don’t give away too much too easily!!! 🙂 Make sure you really really know the man before he gets to claim you!!!

  360.  #360Sophie on September 4, 2014 at 12:35 pm

    Oshun – eeeewwww maybe expressing wants and don’t wants? And likes and don’t likes?

  361.  #361Oshun on September 4, 2014 at 12:39 pm

    Lol, Sophie what is the “eeeeeewwww” for? I pretty much felt like “eeeeewwww” lol

  362.  #362Oshun on September 4, 2014 at 12:42 pm

    And ladies…

    We exchanged pictures and he got pretty demanding about that. I didn’t send enough and one was already online. I ignored him. His favorite word is “reciprocate”.

    I want to give him the benefit of the doubt but he may not make it.

    Thoughts, sirens?

  363.  #363Sophie on September 4, 2014 at 12:50 pm

    the ewww was because it’s been two days and hes asking for you to initiate more contact ha ha I wouldn’t like the initiate bit (demand) or the more contact (needy)

    I like my space!

    But yes as you say no harm in benefit of the doubt. 🙂 xx

  364.  #364Oshun on September 4, 2014 at 12:55 pm

    Which is exactly how I feel. And when I call him on it he says he’s joking. Lol… I don’t have a good feeling about him. He’s demanding and calls it joking when called out.

  365.  #365Sophie on September 4, 2014 at 1:31 pm

    hmmm well good practice for feeling messages, likes and don’t likes and being really authentic 🙂

  366.  #366teresa on September 4, 2014 at 7:15 pm


    I agree with you….I don’t even know everything and I am not getting a good feeling about this. His joking/demands might be controlling??

  367.  #367Femininewoman on September 5, 2014 at 6:03 am

    Oshun – “I am an old fashioned type of girl. I feel comfortable allowing the man to lead”

  368.  #368Oshun on September 5, 2014 at 6:21 am

    Yeah… I had a decent time but he reminded me why I swore off Virgos. I won’t be seeing him again.

    He called me difficult but said he really wanted to say mean. Lol…smh then asked if he could see me again! What?! I was only “mean” because after a while everything he threw at me I started to throw back. I didn’t care about seeing him again so I said whatever. He loved it. Smh

    I will not put my spirit through that again.

  369.  #369Femininewoman on September 5, 2014 at 6:34 am

    🙂 He felt you as a challenge maybe. Your degree of difficulty? Some men need to that feel attracted.

  370.  #370Azure Blu on September 5, 2014 at 6:38 am

    Oshun #368
    Yes!!! I feel like you have made a VERY good choice by not seeing this guy again!!
    Lesson learned…
    You’re exactly where you’re supposed to be…
    happy friday!!! ;-+

  371.  #371Mistea1 on September 12, 2014 at 11:55 pm

    Thank you to everyone for the valuable review of the da ting world you have given me. Blessings to you all. I have begun to contemplate dating after 20 years after divorce. I’ve done a lot of meditating and inner work in those years of living in the SW. Last year I moved back to the NE. I joined a large church community for my mental health and have found some delightful people. I also found that there are certain aspects of classical music that help me stay centered and calm. The science of this is in the literature.
    What I didn’t count on was the reaction of the male, single, classical musician to my admitantly gushy enthusiasm for his performances. The other thing to my “horror” was the realization that this was the higher level version of the “same old, same old” from 20 years ago. I like accomplished men and this one is very talented. I also know that the bigger the talent the bigger the shadow. This one makes the others looke like rank amateurs. So after 30 pages of diary entries all I can do is roll on the floor laughing. The similarities are even down to the country of origin. Now I’ll need to do your CD process which I also did when I was dating 25-35 years ago. It works well. I’ve found that laughing is better than crying. I may or may not find a love companion but I think being in a space where loving is taking place is the place for me to be. thanks for listening. I wanted to share as you all are so generous.

  372.  #372Rori Raye on September 13, 2014 at 3:42 pm

    Mistea1 – Welcome! Love, Rori