She Turned Her Marriage Around By Circular Dating While Pregnant!

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rosestemHere’s an amazing, uplifting letter from Joan:

“Rori, I emailed you a few months back after purchasing your whole program. I was separated from my husband and was not dating anyone because my husband and I agreed to sexual exclusivity and dating each other – it was one crappy date a week-on his schedule and when he wanted to see me!

I thought this was me leaning back because if he didn’t ask me 3 days in advance if I was free, I’d be “busy.” I wasn’t calling him or contacting him and thought he was doing all the work. I was thinking about him all the time though.

His waxing and waning, pulling back and unsure and then coming back with love and caring for me was really starting to get on my nerves!! Take me or leave me!! I wanted the man I had spent the last decade with back, the solid, consistent man I had known for almost a decade!

The man that was always devoted to me and sweet and caring and kind and would move mountains for me – I wanted my husband back! We had both abstained from alcohol for our whole relationship until the past year where he started drinking and I knew the drinking was what changed him and made him want the separation and warped his mind and outlook and my response and picking up all the slack!

You asked me why I wasn’t dating and I never responded. The Truth I had found out a day before your response is – my husband got me pregnant! I always wanted a baby and a family, but now here I was feeling like in a couple months I was going to have no husband and a baby bump that repelled men!

However, after your email and a heated conversation with my husband where he was pulling back again and he said something along the lines of, “you should start looking for someone else because I’m not the person you want!” He had dared me to date other people in the past, but this was the first time where I said, “I am going to do just that!”

A few weeks pregnant, knowing I really only had a few months before I would have to tell potential men I was pregnant, I joined tinder – the dating application for young people that is almost solely based on looks – its like shopping for a man to match an outfit! On the app, If one person swipes left, you are not interested and won’t be matched, if both people swipe right, it’s a match!

In a week I had over 200 Matches! I had joined some other dating sites, and had to quit after a day because the response was just way too overwhelming and from men I wasn’t attracted to! I had Men sending me letters, pouring their hearts out to me before I even met them!

I couldn’t deal with hundreds upon hundreds of men Rori!! Your programs are too effective!!

The women in your programs were surprised and overwhelmed by 6 and 7 men, so 200+ men, in addition to all the men I was meeting through my work, in addition to my husband and all our mutual male friends that suddenly wanted to now take me out and have their chance – even tho they were supposed to be my husbands friends, it all was just way too much for me to handle and so quickly!

Well the update is, my husband and I have been back together now a couple months, living back together in a new apartment and he’s not drinking anymore and is back to being the man I fell in love with! He is so excited to be a dad and is telling me he loves me and treating me wonderful and back to all the stuff I’ve wanted and needed to hear and feel!

I’m completely leaning back and doing my best to communicate in feeling messages. My confidence is back as I know I’ll never be alone and there are plenty of young, gorgeous men waiting for me!! Whenever he pulls back, I go and do something for myself and before I know it, he’s blowing up my phone!

Communicating in feeling messages in a marriage when there are so many logistics and bills and things to figure out….It’s super hard! I hope in the future you do some more programs solely for those of us who are married and address the day to day that we have to deal with and breaking harmful habits and communication patterns. Thanks again!!

Love and Light,

Joan

 

From Rori:

I just want to say BRAVA to Joan, for trying something terrifying, cutting edge, and seemingly impossible.

Joan is the second woman I’ve spoken to recently who’s had amazing success attracting men while pregnant with another man’s child…It challenges our beliefs about men in general…

Love, Rori

 

 

 

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169 Comments

  1.  #1April Rose on July 11, 2015 at 10:56 pm

    There is a special glow around a pregnant woman….



  2.  #2Femininewoman on July 11, 2015 at 11:04 pm

    mmmmmm yummy



  3.  #3Lovergirl on July 12, 2015 at 8:15 am

    I’ve been surprised to learn how many men find pregnant women attractive. It’s true though, even when you are gigantic. You do have that glow. 🙂 Some men are also not scared off by it when potentially dating. Its so nice to hear a story of success. 🙂



  4.  #4Lovergirl on July 12, 2015 at 8:39 am

    Men are still continuing to flirt with me while I am working. The other night a guy tried to buy me a beer. I declined and he and his friend thought it was because I wasn’t 21 yet. I’ll be 39 next month, so that was amusing ;). I’ve had people who were shocked that I have teenagers, shocked that I have 5 children, shocked that I even had my 3 younger ones (when the older ones weren’t with us).

    The boring guy has stepped it up a little and has been taking me to different restaurants. They are still places that he frequents regularly but at least he is making an effort. We are supposed to go to a concert next weekend.

    I’m a little nervous that he seems to consider me his girlfriend but I haven’t promised anything. I know he doesn’t want marriage or anything like that in the future with me, he’s said as much, but he also doesn’t want to “share” with any other men. Tough luck for him, I guess.

    He’s still incredibly full of himself. He watches himself in the mirror while we are having sex. Not me, mind you, just HIMSELF. :p

    He introduced me to a friend of his recently and I felt like I was on display. He even asked me to turn around so the guy could get a look at my backside. I was in a sundress, so not like anything revealing, but I felt pretty uncomfortable.

    I know he’s not someone I would ever want to be with long term, but sometimes its convenient to have someone to take me out on dates/have sex with.



  5.  #5Millie on July 12, 2015 at 11:45 am

    Wow CDing while pregnant sounds so brave!!!

    Lovergirl– Ah if a man I was seeing made me turn around so he could show me off– ugh I would feel so icky! But good for you for trying out new people and CDing!!!!

    So I’m rembering in Leigha Lakes bring him back blueprint that if you create space and he doesn’t come back… Then he is the wrong man for you period. It’s so weird because many men I know are wrong for me keep coming back…. I’m still working through feelings that I lost M’s attraction. Working through feeling like a vauluable woman, when in my heart I feel like I’m bad at relationships. That if I were good at this I could have any man I wanted and keep him. I guess this is just my negative voices.

    Had a lovely night out last night, ever since I got back from my trip I feel radiant and glowing.. Like I just emerged from bathing in the sea. People notice it and I like how I feel overall… I feel like a diamond in the room. I wonder though… I have been focusing on myself, my energy has been on traveling, my job, riding…. And M still stayed away. Perhaps I really do just need to forget about him. To really break those bonds myself,,, the pathways that have formed. For my own benefit.



  6.  #6mary on July 12, 2015 at 1:51 pm

    way to go Joan! i guess you must be drop-dead gorgeous to be attracting so many people so quickly! if not, please tell me your secret… i’m fine; i have my cute moments, but i’m not JLo…



  7.  #7Olivia on July 12, 2015 at 7:46 pm

    I just had a meeting with my man likes Rori explains in the program. When you have to negotiate stuff – cleaning – bill paying – whatever.
    It was really funny he had so many IDEAS. That was nice.
    He was also uncomfortable the whole time and just wanted the meeting to END.
    Baby steps.
    Like the woman Rori featured in this post I would love a program targeted to the long term relationship/married folks. It really is hard to be feeling messagey and sireny sometimes when there is that day to day masculine planning that is necessary.



  8.  #8Leigha Lake on July 12, 2015 at 8:02 pm

    Millie… You’re doing awesome!!! Getting over someone and going through a break up is one of the hardest things we go through – in my opinion. Especially when we don’t understand what happened exactly or if we have regrets.

    Just because a man comes back doesn’t make him the right man for us…. It gives us another chance to see if doing things differently changes things. Sometimes it does – sometimes it doesn’t.

    Just know you’re not alone and I remember working on all of the same things you mentioned above. When “he” (the man who brought me to Rori’s material) came back I was a different person. I could tell he wasn’t able to “do” relationship. I ended up meeting a man who was a better match for me in every way – we’re married now and he’s more than I could’ve ever hoped for.

    You’re so on the right track!!! You’re learning the most valuable information you could which will not only help you attract the perfect man for you but help guide you the rest of your life. 🙂 Keep going…

    Love, Leigha



  9.  #9Indigo on July 13, 2015 at 1:11 am

    BikeCD wants to go away for the long weekend in August with me. He wants us to go to a lodge in the mountains with a fireplace etc. This after 5 dates. This is something D never suggested, even after years together, and I always wished he would.

    BikeCD is falling over himself to please me. I am trying to breathe and receive – it feels strange, in part because it has been so long since I’ve had a man wanting to do everything for me like this. I am trying to just breathe and stay open. Sometimes darkness and loneliness overtakes me because I miss D, but I am trying. I am doing my utmost best to just let D be, and to allow my life to continue rolling along in a good-feeling direction.

    Millie, I so feel where you are coming from.



  10.  #10Azure Blu on July 13, 2015 at 7:29 am

    Leigha L…
    It is VERY comforting to read that breaking up and moving on…
    IS sooo very difficult!!

    Millie and INDIGO and others…
    Even though it is HURTING so very badly…
    missing someone who is not Our Mr. Right..
    We are all valliant Sirens…
    CDing and LOVING ourselves…
    hopefully after the 2 months mark (which was July 10)
    the missing will get less and less!!



  11.  #11Sami Wunder on July 13, 2015 at 7:49 am

    # Olivia

    I know this is so hard! Negotiating with our beloved men in masculine energy can always feel a bit “on the edge.” It´s hard to guess how much is enough- we can feel doubtful about whether we are over-stepping and how much control we should take ( be planny and brainy) and when we should stop so that our man doesn´t get overwhelmed and turned off by the “masculine energy” bit. I so get you !!

    However, it sounds to me like you did a really great job there. That he was full of ideas shows that he felt you were “receptive.” So well done you !!

    There are several tools you can use during such conversations. One is to constantly ask him – What do you think? What do you think would be the best solution?

    The second is to show respect for what he does come up with. If you absolutely disagree with what he´s offering, go again into feeling messages. Script could look like – “Honey. I feel a bit concerned about this. Could we also consider this part when making our decision? What do you think?”

    This ensures that the decision making ball returns to his court and you have expressed your concerns and unhappiness but without being disrespectful or controlling.

    Feel free to get in touch for more help. Love, Sami



  12.  #12Lovergirl on July 13, 2015 at 9:39 am

    After 18 days of no contact, I got texts from S. They said:

    “Good morning Lovergirl!”

    (I didn’t respond)

    10 min later he sent another text-

    “I miss you and think its very unfortunate that we can’t spend time together”

    (I didn’t respond)

    10 minutes later another one-

    “I thought it would just go away with time but it hasn’t– you don’t have to respond I just needed to get that off my chest I guess”

    (I didn’t respond)

    40 minutes later he sent “Is this still your number?”

    I finally answered “yes- at swim lessons” (which I was)

    He said “okay I see” and I texted him about 30 minutes later and just said “I feel unsure of what to say”.

    He said he was on a call and to give him a bit (he is at work). Just now he texted me that ok he is back and I don’t really have to say anything..

    Ack!! I broke my plans not to respond to him. I didn’t know what to do. Now I still am not sure. I guess I will go back to not talking to him unless he is offering me something more than a friendship. :/ This is so hard.



  13.  #13Azure Blu on July 13, 2015 at 11:03 am

    Lovegirl!!! GREAT job!
    I’m sure it felt nice to know he is definitely thinking of YOU!!!



  14.  #14Azure Blu on July 13, 2015 at 11:14 am

    This week i started missing Spirit more…
    wasn’t sure if it is because I am
    opening my heart to these 3 cd’s and others online
    growing closer…
    OR because on July 17 will be our anniversary of
    our first date, one year ago!!
    Such a romantic date… so full of promise..
    he was soo enthusiastic, adoring, planned the date…
    dancing, dinner and lots of affection…
    Him saying he loved me…
    then 3 months later began to fizzle out…
    and by the 4th month I gave him the script
    “No pressure you seem very busy…
    I like you alot but let’s go back to dating others”

    AZURE
    I am EXACTLY where I need to be right now!!!
    HE was/IS NOT the man for me…
    It’s the chemical…. old comfort zone…
    that I am letting go of!!!!!

    The NEW and EXCITING comfort zone *IS*
    LOVE is calm, adoring, safe and consistent
    AND VERY AVAILABLE
    I KNOW I am worthy of ALL this and MORE!!!



  15.  #15Lovergirl on July 13, 2015 at 11:42 am

    Azure-

    Thanks. It did feel good. Now I am struggling with the no contact thing though. He tried to call me after those texts and I texted that I was in speech therapy with my daughter.

    So THEN he texts to tell me he met one of my fuck buddies this weekend, at a certain couple’s lake house. I’m sure they were having a gangbang. S and I have been out there together before for a party and he’s been out there himself for a gangbang too. So has B (the guy that S met).

    Anyway, B is a super cool guy and knows allll about S because I turn to him for advice sometimes. He’s in a long term open relationship and is just really respectful and even keel and good to talk to. S called him a “nice dude.” He’s gotten jealous over me seeing him once before in the past though.

    I’m trying not to get too engaged in a conversation about it. I just asked oh yeah what did you all talk about and S said that they didn’t really talk about me he just figured that was who it was because I had mentioned him. I said I’m sure it was, I know he has been out there before. He said yep, they said they have known him over 3 yrs.

    Believe me though, I will be asking B about it!! Hahaha… Trying to keep from texting S back anymore though.



  16.  #16Lovergirl on July 13, 2015 at 1:23 pm

    THEN he starts texting me about how this couple told him they thought he was getting played by me. I was like did you tell them you are playing ME and he said ha ha you are funny. Then he said that he had to set them straight that he was the one not wanting a relationship because they were acting like they felt sorry for him. I was like well there goes my image as a “player” and he said I know your rep is shot to hell. It kind of dwindled off after that. Not sure what to make of all that. It seems kind of crazy that they would think I was playing him, but they have seen me with other guys in the past and one was being really possessive (at a swinger party). S mentioned that and I was like yeah but that was long before I ever met you so I’m not sure how that could be construed as me playing you in any way. He said he agreed. :p



  17.  #17Lovergirl on July 13, 2015 at 1:33 pm

    Azure (((hugs))) You are definitely worthy!! So glad to see you being able to move past Spirit, but I know it is hard and of course its natural to miss him. :/



  18.  #18Liquid Light on July 13, 2015 at 1:49 pm

    Lovergirl, here’s a thought, and ignore it if it doesn’t resonate.

    Instead of being tough girl/sarcastic/funny, try to resist that and allow yourself to be vulnerable.

    I know the urge well since I have that tendency too. Its my fall back but the problem is that it avoids the messy feelings and emotion. Its the easy way out and you miss the opportunity to really connect with the other person.

    For instance, instead of saying “there goes my image as a player” try to just sit with the feelings you are feeling…I’m guessing probably sadness. That would have been a great opportunity to expose yourself, be vulnerable and probably really connect with S. Just a thought. Even if you don’t know what to say, sometimes saying nothing is just fine. It clears up an opening for something else to emerge in the emptiness. Its really scary and the easy way is to just fall back into our usual patterns and habits but so important when we are trying to shift the dynamic with someone to not react in the typical ways we always do so that something else can emerge.

    Just my 2 cents.



  19.  #19Lovergirl on July 13, 2015 at 5:38 pm

    Liquid Light-

    You are right, I do have a tendency to try and protect myself with sarcasm. S is the same way and I am sure can see through it to an extent, but I did try to open up a little more after that.

    I suspect feelings of jealousy were provoked when he met B and that is why I am hearing from him now. He even said its not fair that B can have a no strings attached thing with me and that he is being “punished” for being single.

    I was like give me a break, poor B has had to listen to S this and S that since I met you and I drastically cut back on seeing him and everyone else. You’ve had all my attention and affection. Punished, my ass. I was treating you like a king! I said it doesn’t feel good to hear that my love and affection are a punishment. I feel like its worth a lot.

    I said I feel punished for loving you and I feel insulted that you would want a fuck buddy thing with me. I feel punished for dropping my guard and opening my heart. I feel punished when you take other women to parties and disappear on me and tell me you don’t have feelings of affection for me.

    UGGGH… we both had things to do and he said he would message me later.

    Meanwhile, B tells me that S seemed very likeable. He said it was not a gangbang, but just a regular swinger party with some single males invited. He said that conversation S said he had with the couple sounds very suspect, that they were all busy drinking and having sex and he doesn’t know how I would have come up. He said he’s calling BS.



  20.  #20Millie on July 13, 2015 at 10:32 pm

    Hi Leigha!
    Your words of support and understanding feel so good to hear! Thank you!



  21.  #21Indigo on July 13, 2015 at 10:50 pm

    Lovergirl,

    I love the advice Liquid Light has given to you here.

    I know you may not feel ready, but this is a great time to cut contact with S. It’s one of the hardest things you’ll do, and also one of the best. Even after 18 days of no contact, S is still driving home the point that he’s a single man and doesn’t want a relationship with you. I know it may not have been “exactly” like that, but that is the gist of what he’s saying.

    So he got jealous. I’m pretty sure if my ex got jealous he would get in touch. It’s still crumbs.

    Sorry to be so blunt but that’s just the way I see it from someone who’s been there.

    x



  22.  #22Indigo on July 13, 2015 at 11:06 pm

    So I wanted to share this with you ladies because I am kinda proud of myself. Last night I got home from dinner with my family and saw that BikeCD had posted some pictures of a fish pond he is building on Facebook. I noticed it had got a bunch of likes from women and 3 women had commented. I got this kind of frightened, queasy feeling and my stomach sank a little. It’s early days still with him, but I decided this was a good time to speak up.

    I texted him, and this is what I said:

    “I think I just need to ask you something before we sleep together. I’m not sure if I’m right, but do you have a lot of female friends? If so, I’m not sure if I can handle it, I tend to get jealous. What are your thoughts on that?”

    He responded:

    “I don’t have a lot of female friends. I know females as everyone does but I don’t hang out with them like I would with guy friends. A lot of the people I deal with through work are females and they are my best source of referrals. Through dating previously I have made some friends because it was never going to be more than that but they are only acquaintances really, we don’t talk at all. Please don’t worry yourself with that, I am a one woman man and I only have eyes for you and am very interested in you. I am going to say this and you can shout easy tiger but I feel I need to because I really want you to know how I feel, I think that you may just be the first woman I have met that I could have a future with and I would really like the chance to prove that I am right about that. Its hard for me too, as we both know the early days can be difficult especially when trust hasn’t had sufficient time to grow between us. Ok I must sound like I am babbling on now 🙂
    I can also get pretty jealous. I’m guessing the fact that I have been posting on Facebook has stirred this up, honestly I don’t use facebook much and frankly don’t even like it, I mostly have it for my business page and would happily delete it. I was kinda posting tonight to get your attention 🙂 ”

    I was happy with his response and I was also happy that I spoke up.



  23.  #23Millie on July 13, 2015 at 11:50 pm

    Indigo!!! That’s amazing!! what an incredible, heartfelt response from him! I feel so excited for you.
    His words remind me of my M, how he spoke to me with such confidence and assuredness, how he made me feel so safe and special. I say enjoy it and bask in this affection while it is present. Let it grow your siren vibe. Oh how wonderful I feel for you!



  24.  #24Millie on July 14, 2015 at 12:14 am

    So this weekend when I went out– I talked to a lot of men, with whom I felt like a sparkly diamond. I felt beautiful and captivating and slightly out of their reach. One man who had bought me a drink and asked for my number..and according to my friend, he is smitten with me. He did ask me to dinner, drinks, and dancing…to which I will probably go since it is rare to find a man who can dance. However, I don’t feel attracted or interested in him, and I don’t feel able to give affection right now. It’s weird how much male attention I seem to be receiving right now when I have no interest in the male species whatsoever right now!

    A coworker who I am not close with at all went to grab coffee with me today and out of the blue asked me if I was single because he has a friend he thinks would hit it off with me. Before I could even agree, he planned for us all to meet tomorrow and told the guy I was coming…I’m standing there feeling like the universe is swirling around me. I probably won’t get off work in time to go…but we’ll see.

    One thing about the present is that I feel like I am making decisions. Where during my time with M, where it went downhill, I felt anxious and could not speak up and make a decision. Maybe it was taking a trip, maybe it was realizing I don’t want to be a passenger on my life. But I started making choices, saying NO to things, owning up that I’m choosing to be where I’m at–and that feels amazing! I’m choosing to stay at my job. I’m choosing who I date. I’m choosing dating at all. I’m choosing my life, it’s not happening to me. I feel empowered and a little cut-throat right now. It’s a good feeling.

    I’m also thinking that I need to do about M is change my perspective…for real. Like REALLY do it. When I think about my ex J, who I was super addicted to..I look back on the memories now and I am fond of them, but I see how the whole relationship was wonderful at the time, but it wasn’t forever. I accept it and treasure it, even though we don’t speak anymore, there is no ill will. It was the right thing at the right time, and now it’s right that its a memory and we don’t speak. If I try to put my memories with M into that category–If I take them out of this ruby encrusted treasure chest in my heart that I’ve been holding onto as ideal– If I move them into the “fond memories that weren’t meant to be forever” box in my mind–I could break the addiction. If I stop holding onto them as ideal, as perfect, as nothing can measure up, if I stop cherishing them so much…If I still keep them and honor them, but move them…start feeling towards them as I do my relationship with J…because it’s the same thing….maybe then I could make room for someone new.

    I was talking to my mom about how I am comparing new guys to M and that that’s a sign I shouldn’t be dating. My mom said there was nothing wrong with valuing M’s good qualities and looking for those same things that made you feel good in another man. Qualities are ok to want, but she also said to recognize how he behaved in it’s entirety, sure he has good qualities and those are what you seek, those are what you compare and use as a barometer and thats ok..that’s raising your difficulty and knowing what you want, but I can’t hold him up on a pedestal.

    Qualities…this conversation makes me ask myself what qualities I want in a man. What I loved about M is that he was responsible. He didn’t drink and drive, he called his parents, he got to work early, he was a good boss, he took his job seriously, he was attentive to me, he listened to me, he wanted me to be happy, he was affectionate, he made me feel special, he had a quiet confidence, he was humble and didn’t try too hard to impress people…After dating CDB, the qualities that turned me off, that made me compare him to M…was that he got way too drunk with my friends, was obnoxiously loud, was disrespectful to me, trying to hard to seek my friends approval, he was selfish, he was not verbally affectionate, he was a selfish lover, I felt unseen and unheard, I felt like the ball was always in my court, he called in sick when he had a hangover, he told me it was too early to give me a gift, he asked me to pay. I want a man who has his sh** together, who is responsible, who is a giver and a lover. If I choose to see M for his qualities and move forward with that…maybe this will feel better and I can come closer to having the relationship I want.



  25.  #25Victoria on July 14, 2015 at 12:19 am

    Indigo,
    I loved that conversation! Absolutely lovely! What is better than hearing that a man is interested in you and sees a future with you? Absolutely wow!



  26.  #26Zia on July 14, 2015 at 12:48 am

    lovergirl: in my view ““I feel unsure of what to say”.” was perfect.



  27.  #27Indigo on July 14, 2015 at 12:50 am

    Thank you Millie & Victoria!

    I must say after I read it, all the anxiety disappeared and I had this sweet, warm, calm feeling growing inside. I love what you said about growing my siren vibe.

    Victoria, I am so glad you are CDing with R!!!



  28.  #28Victoria on July 14, 2015 at 1:44 am

    Indigo,
    It is very strange, but it is the heat of summer here, and I get so much male attention.
    Another strange thing happened. May be you remember, but I wrote about another CD some time ago, whom I dropped and unfriended on facebook and blocked his number etc last October, because I had a history of him being wishi-washy and I just got fed up after the last episode.
    I was jogging a few days ago and I saw him in the park. He looked at me intensely, I sort of waved at him (did not mean to, I just did) and that was that. Now, he called me. We chatted for an hour may be… as if nothing happened and as if we are just good friends. We kind of were friends in the last year before I blocked him, before that we used to be FWB for a while… He is very attractive and very rich and very suitable for me on paper but we have always had some problems with communication.
    Anyhow… I am thinking, Rori always says have 3. Not 2, but 3. So may be I should, what do you think?



  29.  #29Indigo on July 14, 2015 at 2:55 am

    Victoria,

    This is entirely your choice. I will say though that I think if anyone can handle it, you can. You have such a light touch on all of this.

    A new man who is handsome and rich and suitable for you… perhaps if you are busy with other men you will not notice the dips in communication so much, perhaps he will step up his game? If you can handle it, I say why not.



  30.  #30Femininewoman on July 14, 2015 at 3:19 am

    Hi Zia. How is the pregnancy coming along?



  31.  #31Femininewoman on July 14, 2015 at 3:51 am

    Lovergirl please pardon me if I come across as judgemental here but I am feeling very triggered by the casual reference to gangbang. When I was growing up any reference to that kind of thing included rape where guys would set up a situation where several of them had sex with an unsuspecting girl. I remember one lady posted her some time ago about going through something similar. I feel fighting mad and blinding rage when I hear of that kind of thing because for me only a man who lacks respect for a female could get involved with such a situation. I have even spoken to guys about it and I remember, especially fathers, who express the feeling I have. Is it that society has changed so much that these things are the norm and I am living on the fringes of society? Reading about it really has me extremely concerned for girls my daughters age.



  32.  #32Victoria on July 14, 2015 at 4:12 am

    FW,
    I read a survey which says that the most frequent male se*ual fantasy is having s*x with multiple partners at the same time. Also, it is a frequent theme in porn, which again confirms to me that men find the idea very attractive. I think it is simply a very strong erotic stimulus for men, and has nothing to do with respect or lack of it. Just my two cents



  33.  #33Victoria on July 14, 2015 at 4:27 am

    Indigo,
    The thing is, with someone who is an olf flame, tried and failed, I am hesitant to give it another try.
    The attrention surely is flattering… at the same time, the leopard does not change his spots, so I am reluctant to put myself in a situation to be disappointed again… Also, I had all three of them call me one after the other several times today… So I quickly got to see the problem Azure shared about shuffling all the attention and not having them whiny…
    Oh well, this is a good problem to have!



  34.  #34Lovergirl on July 14, 2015 at 5:10 am

    Femininewoman 31-

    I totally understand your feeling because I was a victim of just that sort of gangbang you speak of when I was 15- involving guys as old as 21. That is why I never participate in the swinger style ones and S knows this. It was a very traumatic experience for me, even though I was not physically hurt.

    In the swinger world it is almost always set up as a fantasy thing for a married woman that WANTS this. Usually her husband is there looking out for her too. S and I have discussed this and he cannot imagine being involved in something that the woman did not set up. Awhile back there was a wanted situation by a married woman that was a little more degrading seeming than a regular gangbang an S was a little traumatized by it himself afterwards, even though SHE was totally alright with it all and it was her idea. He is a sensitive soul and not at all okay with hurting people. He’s always been very protective of me and never even suggested I participate in anything like that, even before he knew about what happened to me.

    B has asked me before to come along on his yearly trip with his old fraternity brothers/guys he played ball with in college and THAT would involve gangbangs. At the time I almost considered it because the two men in question were super hot and I’d be getting all the attention, but I was unsure. Because I felt at all unsure they said they absolutely did not want to do it, that I had to be 100% on board. They are both police officers and B works in a law office, so they are super careful about things like that too. 😉 He still invites me but there is never any kind of pressure.



  35.  #35Femininewoman on July 14, 2015 at 5:12 am

    mmmmm Victoria more power to those who can see it that way and I do know that is a male fantasy. I have no issue with their fantasy, it is the acting on it that end up hurting many females. And despite the hurting and the knowledge that they are affecting others lives negatively but continue with it that bothers me.

    I can’t see how a man with any level of respect for women can do that. I expect a man would want to protect females from that kind of thing. Porn in my opinion is a different kettle of fish. Those girls agree to participate for money knowing what they are getting involved with.



  36.  #36Indigo on July 14, 2015 at 5:14 am

    Victoria,

    Agreed. In fact, Cherry Norris did a video recently where a woman asked her what she should do now that her ex is coming back around again. She had wanted a long-term commitment but the guy was non-committal. Cherry’s advice was to see what he had to offer, but to advise her to put her “price” up, ie. marriage on the table, or no dice. I tend to like this advice – “marriage” could represent whatever it is you want. I know for any of my exes whom I would even consider giving another shot to, my price will have gone up dramatically. “Hanging out” doesn’t cut it. It’s full commitment or no deal.



  37.  #37Femininewoman on July 14, 2015 at 5:16 am

    Thanks for that explanation Lovergirl. It puts a totally different light on this for me because I was a little more than concerned here.



  38.  #38Tereana on July 14, 2015 at 5:17 am

    What a cool story. I feel inspired..



  39.  #39Victoria on July 14, 2015 at 5:22 am

    Indigo,
    Well, if someone has been out of touch, it would be highly unlikely that they would come out all of a sudden with a marriage proposal. It is equally as unlikely that they will come as a different person, me thinks. No problem either way.

    Did you get any follow-up from the sexy coworker after the party?



  40.  #40Tereana on July 14, 2015 at 5:23 am

    For maybe the first time in my life, I feel completely bored. Maybe the is a good thing. The depression of a week ago has been replaced by a sense on ennui. Inertia. Copascessence? Is that even a word?

    Maybe I have to be in this boring place to get somewhere new. I can’t say I “like” it. But maybe it’s just a shift from lots of drama. Maybe it’s the drama I’ve been attracted to and living out, and that’s why I now feel “bored.” But maybe this is just normal life…



  41.  #41Indigo on July 14, 2015 at 5:36 am

    Victoria,

    I tend to agree. But I think it is probably good practice for ourselves to put our standards up when an old flame comes back. I cringe to think of some of the behaviour I accepted when I was dating certain men.

    As for the sexy co-worker… I would definitely say we flirted a bit at the party. But he is shy and reserved (yet very sweet) with me and there has been no follow-up. I am content to let this one sit on slow burn for now 🙂



  42.  #42Lovergirl on July 14, 2015 at 5:36 am

    Indigo 21-

    I agree with you. I am having some regrets for texting as much as I did with him yesterday. I even told him- I have only had sex with B one time since I met you and maybe once also at the very beginning, but I was so consumed with you that he spends the rest of the year listening to me talk about you! I asked, is that what you want with me? To have sex once a year and the rest of the time I tell you all about how in love I am with someone else? He said no, I thought you played with him more than that. (B lives an hour away too).

    He said he guessed he never thought of a woman talking about him to other guys and I said well, I do because he can give me a male perspective and doesn’t get jealous. I know you have said you talk about me to other women (and he does).

    I also told him about my dream about his mother. I said I don’t want to tell you everything she said in the dream but I did tell him she said she was happy I forgave him and that she knows he loves me. I could tell he liked hearing that, he said “you and your dreams” and sent me some smiles.

    I pretty much left it at that and plan to try and go no contact again. If he keeps talking to me I am going to have to tell him again how I feel about being friends or fwb and start all over. :p UNLESS he is offering me something more, which at this point he doesn’t appear to be.



  43.  #43Dixie on July 14, 2015 at 10:01 am

    Sirens,

    I’ve been catching up like mad right nie on the boards and could use a little advice…

    Well, first, I’m in Portugal with my two colleagues/friends and it is beautiful! So pretty and charming and I’m feeling very lucky and grateful to be here 🙂

    Before I left, I did warm up to ReadyCD and agree to see
    him once I get back. I’m actually feel excited because he seems like a decent guy, nice, handsome, and masculine. But before I left, D was making so much of an effort to see me, and I leant back fully. When we did see eachother, he was affectionate and sweet and said that he loved me, (unprompted) and that seeing me was the highlight of his day.

    Now, here I am in Portugal, this beautiful country, with handsome men, and so many opportunities to CD, yet my heart still is with D. I feel frustrated by this.

    He said he wants to see me as soon as I get back.

    Sirens, I need a little encouragement to get back on this path. I do not, do not want to get back home and have D. still at the forefront of my heart.



  44.  #44Mandy on July 14, 2015 at 10:07 am

    Sirens…I want to say something to each and every one of you, that is very important to me, I want to say it very loud…

    Here’s to all of us, all of you, flowing freely, spreading your wings, feeling the sunlight only our skin, feeling so melty and glowy no one can ever stop you every day…

    I *dearly* hope for every one of us to all be able to feel our way into the deliciousness every day…because you’re worth it, you deserve it, and no one has any right to ever stand in your way of it…

    Can I just say I feel awesome for exercising my deliciousness right alongside my degree of difficulty this morning?

    I am not an avid Facebooker, but I sometimes just want to spout something. This morning. I was just thinking about how angry I feel about men always expecting me to do the same thing, how I feel about not having my needs met and how stupid I think they can be just expecting it to always be about them, lol…it might have been a bit of a juvenile moment even…but it led me to something wonderful…

    The answer is always focusing on me, yes I say it over and over, but this morning, I mean TRULY, SHAMELESSLY, SELFISHLY FOCUSING on me and not being so damn benevolent all the time…

    When I feel I REALLY do it, and do it right…I feel SO good, and I want to shout to the world. I’M AWESOME.

    Why are we told we are rude or wrong for saying “I’M AWESOME”? I always felt a little guilty for saying something that sounds so haughty.

    I want to be rid of that. Forget those manners. I’M AWESOME.

    I wrote this out and posted it :

    “Today is a me day…today is not a “yes man” day, it’s not a jump-through-my-butt-day, it’s not a waiting for or on others day, it’s not a day to be on my best behavior for other’s benefits, and it’s not a day for me to waste time waiting for anyone to acknowledge my wants, needs or feelings…so if you have any questions, ask me tomorrow, because today is for ME!”

    Please excuse my dramatic language here, but I’m just riffing in my own way…SCREW people-pleasing…SCREW benevolence today..SCREW being nice and quiet…BUT also…just because I’m practicing raising my degree of difficulty doesn’t mean I need to be a cold hard bitch…it means I get to have fun how I want, make my own decisions about how today goes, how my hair and makeup looks if I wear any at all, who I talk to , who I hang out with, what clothes I want to wear, and it DOESN’T MATTER what anyone says. IT JUST DOESN’T.

    I have always had this terrifying anxiety about what other people think. ESPECIALLY MEN! J is actually embarrassed by my personality, my extroversion, my happiness, my quirkiness, but today I felt my way into NOT caring. It makes me want to be myself even more, because maybe it will make riff-raff like that go away so I can continue being myself!

    That’s the killer of all my relationships. When I start to care what they think and become so cognizant of it I start to obsess and become boring. Away with that noise!

    One thing also is criticism…taking it well takes away other’s power over your emotions. So today, if it is about me, if I want to remain flowing and not be brought grown that means accepting criticism as a helpful thing not taking it personally…constructive criticism allows for growth…AND MORE AWESOMENESS!

    It’s like who CARES if that hot doesn’t doesn’t call, and if he does great but it’s not always the best thing that will happen to you in a day, a guy, I mean…

    My dad always said to be kind and friendly to men but don’t let them be so important that they ruin your day.

    Today is for me as is every day and SIRENS, it feels SO GOOD…

    So I’m thinking I should do one or two things I want to do to feel awesome…

    But as for this article by Rori – CDing saved my sanity recently while living with J. I mean every word of that, to the very core of my being.

    I am currently even seeking more CDs besides G even though he is great and helps me a lot. (I am just having some jealousy issues crop up a bit with him since he is a bit of a Tom Cat, as I like to say, meaning he looks at other women to have sex with, which isn’t a problem with me, I just need to tell him (in a Sireny manner) that I don’t want to hear about his other sexcapades, lol.

    J is thinking of getting his own apartment and moving out, due to my mom’s overbearing control of his rent situation here, in the apartment we live in. He feels he has no control over his rent cost or anything in this apartment so he is toying with the idea of moving out. I am actually happy about it and encouraging it. (You see, my mom and I are on the Lease, J is not, J is actually not supposed to be living in my apartment, BUT the benefit to that is that he can move out ASAP if need be.)

    Hehe. ME DAY…what should I do next…:)

    Let the sun shine in, greet it with a grin, smilers never lose, and frowners never win…

    😀



  45.  #45Lovergirl on July 14, 2015 at 10:51 am

    Dixie,

    I would force myself to go out while you are over there! It might feel difficult at first but just push yourself to do it anyway. It’s not guaranteed to make you forget about D, but it is a distraction!



  46.  #46Lovergirl on July 14, 2015 at 10:58 am

    In all my excitement about texts from S, I forgot to mention that I finally slept with the new guy, the one who works in radio, the night before. I will call him RadioCD.

    It was actually pretty fun. He made me a fantastic meal, ribs with his special sauce, pork chops, homemade seasoned fries, macaroni and cheese and baked beans, lol. We had good conversation and then watched some TV in his bed, followed by some pretty good sex. 😉

    The next day he asked if I want a relationship. I admit I am afraid to go there yet. I said I didn’t feel ready to rush into it but that a big part of me does want that. He said that’s okay then, we will just keep going as we are!

    So far he has been texting a lot and wants to see me again tonight. Actually between him, S and the boring guy I was getting mauled with texts yesterday. On top of it, this married guy I have slept with was trying to tell me he is leaving his wife and wants to be with me and only me. I was like wtf? I have no interest in that but I suspect he is full of it anyway because the next day he was asking if I’d have a threesome with him and this “good friend” (female) of his. :p



  47.  #47Liquid Light on July 14, 2015 at 11:48 am

    Lovergirl 45: he sounds very intriguing!



  48.  #48Kath on July 14, 2015 at 1:22 pm

    Hey Ladies,

    So good to catch up with the conversations here- I too have been trying to still get over my break up with R (the second break up in a year!) but now I have recently moved to a lovely new home and have settled in very well. Out of the blue last week I had a text from R saying he’d dug up a part of the veg patch we did together last year and had found loads of potatos that “are really yours” as he put it. I said it was fine he could have them and then he text back that he also some post and although it was probably not important he thought he could drop it round.
    I smiled because I just thought to myself-why didn’t you just ask to see me!- So I invited him to dinner at my new house. We had a lovely evening-he did most of the talking telling me all about what he’d been doing etc. He even laughed and said he was rambling on and later told me that he’d been nervous about seeing me again!- When I asked him why he just said “because”. I think he meant that the last time we saw each other I gave him a piece of my mind and then stormed off into the night and he ended the relationship again saying that there had been no need for my behaviour!- I was livid!- but now I know him and I know me and I am different now. I would be able to be friends with him-but I certainly don’t want to be one of the hareem he still has!- I have a good job, am financially independent and don’t need him for anything-though he is desperate for me to ask him to do something-anything!- but I haven’t. I’m not CDing-I did try online dating for a while but got bored of all the attention from guys who ranged from out and out lunatics to seemingly nice sounding men who just did nothing for me at all!- So I’ve come off the sites and am now focussing on me-and I have to admit I am thoroughly enjoying that!- no need to worry about whether a guy likes me or whether I’m doing the right things to attract them- I am happy being me on my own and accepting that what will be, will be!. xx



  49.  #49Dixie on July 14, 2015 at 2:42 pm

    Lovergirl 44

    (((Thank you!))) Honestly, I am having fun but yes, I need to open up even more while I’m here 🙂

    I’m missing him but he’s pulled back again – not one word since last Tuesday and I don’t want to do this anymore. It feels too hard.



  50.  #50Tereana on July 14, 2015 at 6:56 pm

    Can I just say something? This isn’t about anything anyone has said on this blog. Just a general rant.

    I feel so angry, annoyed – defiant is not the word; well, maybe a little defiant. I just had the word on my tongue. I think indignation is what I mean. I feel indignant when people kindly and caringly ask if I am “seeing a therapist,” or suggest that I should. I feel this way, because this is what I am telling myself ALL. THE. TIME. Literally. Every single day, I am thinking about finding the right therapist. I am thinking about how many therapists I have seen in my life, and how they’ve all contributed somewhat to my overall evolution as a person, but not one of them stands out as really making a difference in my life in the way that people seem to expect that therapy can or will make a difference.

    Therapy is nice. It’s like a little retreat. But I often feel worse after therapy, not better. And maybe that’s part of the process. But I don’t know that there is a process. I go in, I talk about myself for an hour, and then I give the therapist a check. It’s like buying a friend. My real friends provide better therapy. If I had more friends, I don’t think I would “need therapy.” But then again, I need therapy because I have trouble with all relationships, including friends. But heck, CD-ing is better “free therapy” as Rori says, at least compared to a lot of therapists I’ve seen.

    And before you go saying to me “Oh, yes, I agree, maybe you should see someone,” let me just tell you that not only do I think about it, I’ve taken steps to reach out to people to find referrals to good therapists. I can’t just go to see anyone. I have to see someone I can trust. And that’s the hardest part. Because my trust mechanisms are all broken, and even a therapist relationship is hard for me. Because relationships are my broken place. And good therapy is about building a relationship with a therapist. So if I can’t even have a relationship with my therapist, how can I experience all the benefits of therapy that it’s supposed to have? Hm? So it’s a tricky business, and really only one that I can figure out for myself, and it’s none of anyone else’s d*mn business.

    So to all those nice people who just care about me, and want to “kindly” suggest that I see a therapist, I want to tell them “F- you.” I know it’s not nice. But that’s really how I feel about it. I’ll see a g-dd-mn therapist if I want to. And I’m planning on seeing one. But if I don’t like them, and if they are not helping me, then I’m going to stop. [As long as I can be sure it’s not my nasty voices and my fear driving me away from them.] So there.

    *Stands with feet wide, chin in the air, arms crossed*



  51.  #51Tereana on July 14, 2015 at 7:14 pm

    In other news, I was going through some old (old) voice messages on my phone today. And I realized I still had some VMs from V. I listened to one. And it wasn’t a mistake. Hearing his voice was so nice. It was like 17 seconds of getting to imagine that he was still real, still present in my life.

    I know it’s a lie. I know he’s gone. He’s not here, he’s not calling me.

    But I just remembered all the sweet things. I heard the kindness in him as he said to call him so he could some down to the lobby of his hotel to meet him. I remembered us walking in swirling snow in the coldest months, and how wonderful and alive that made me feel. I loved every minute, every second with him. And I know I can’t change anything about the situation. His parents are where he wants to be. But as much as he wants to be with them, I would want him to be sitting right here, next to me.

    This is a little bit unacceptable here on the blog, but I believe two things simultaneously.

    The rational side of me believes that he’s gone. It’s clear that he’s not here. He’s made his choice, and it wasn’t to stay. And he’s not the last man out there. There are plenty of good men, and he was just one. I can meet another one – possibly one that can make me feel even more alive and giddy than he did. Yes. That’s true.

    AND…there is this lingering romantic side of me. It’s not rational. But I need to put this out there, so I can see it. This romantic side doesn’t want to let him go. This romantic side wants him to have seen me as someone important to him, the way his parents are important to him. And maybe – just maybe – that side of me has been reluctant to admit that he’s actually been that important to me. That the reason I am so numb since he’s left is that I just haven’t been willing to feel my deep feelings about what it’s really like to have him gone. I’ve been trying to hard to “accept it” and to see it rationally that I just plain forgot to FEEL.

    But hearing his voice opened all that up. Before it was over, tears were streaming down my face. I felt the depth of how much I missed him, and I silently cried and my heart let out a noise. It wasn’t an audible noise – at least not with your ears. But it was the true and real sound of my heart, crying at him having gone. And it was so loud and bright and red. And I imagined, or maybe felt that my heart’s sound was powerful and direct and clear enough that it could be heard through the earth on the other side of the world. I have no doubt that he felt it. He’s an intuitive man, who was connected to me. He had to have felt it. And I just felt better for having let it out.

    I do truly miss him.

    And, being inspired by this lovely pregnant woman in the post, I think I am almost ready to get back on the dating site again. The boredom of my life is, I think, the lack of dates. Dates keep things interesting. Dates keep me feeling alive and attractive and wanted. I’ve been telling myself that I need to be doing something interesting with my life in order to go on dates, and I don’t feel particularly interested in my life. But, as a friend posted on FB just today, “Sometimes you don’t have to be perfect, you just have to show up.” And that’s a good reminder to me, always.

    So tonight, I am going to take a sip of wine and drink a toast to imperfection.



  52.  #52Olivia on July 14, 2015 at 8:01 pm

    @Sami Wunder – aw I feel special you responded to my comment! 🙂
    Yes I will def keep those things in mind for a part 2 meeting down the line – so important to keep checking in with “what do you think” -i love it!



  53.  #53Sami Wunder on July 14, 2015 at 11:35 pm

    aww you´re so welcome Olivia!!! 🙂 Love, Sami



  54.  #54Indigo on July 15, 2015 at 12:46 am

    Tereana 49,

    Just my own personal thoughts… I find conventional therapy to be a bit intrusive. I mean, you’re supposed to talk, about yourself, for a full solid hour without DOING anything. I find that hard. To me, it just feels like covering old ground that I’ve already covered in my head a thousand times… like going round and round in circles. The only benefit I’ve ever derived from therapy was where they gave me a practical tip/tool to use. I don’t actually believe in conventional therapy any more.

    Have you considered coaching? Or something which gets you out of your head and into your body and emotions like equine facilitated learning? These have done a thousand times more for me than talking with a therapist.



  55.  #55Indigo on July 15, 2015 at 12:49 am

    Dixie 43,

    Can you remind me again what your situation is with D? Did it not work because although he loved you he kept rubberbanding and you wouldn’t hear from him for days and couldn’t give you the commitment you wanted?

    If so, I so hear you. My best advice is just to stay on your horse, even if it feels scary and bumpy and uncertain at times. While you’re on holiday, just do your best to keep your heart wide open to new experiences – new places, new people, new sights. Just remind yourself of how big the world is, that there’s so much more to it than this one man.



  56.  #56Tereana on July 15, 2015 at 2:18 am

    Indigo 53 – yes!! Exactly! All of those things. That’s why dancing is great therapy for me. Exercise is great. I have tried coaching as well, and I liked it better for those reasons. And bodywork is my all-time favorite. “The issues are in the tissues” as we liked to say. So to me, bodywork gets at those issues directly, without needing to go through words or rehash the past. And by bodywork I mean massage.

    But most people still have this idea that therapy (and sometimes drugs) are the solution. But they might not be for everyone… Glad you understand



  57.  #57Tereana on July 15, 2015 at 2:32 am

    Maybe I should not circular date right now. My self esteem is very low. I’ve noticed that I’ll rearange myself (“turn into a pretzel”) for any guy, any time. I’ll do that even if he’s trying to do something for me. I’ll “make it easy” for him. But do you think he appreciates this? No. He can feel my vibe. And the vibe is “desperation.” I’m playing cool, or so I think. But I’m so not cool at all. I’ll drop everything if a guy wants to call me. You think he’ll do that for me? Oh heck no. And he’s not afraid of losing me if he doesn’t. But I’m afraid if I don’t drop what I’m doing and take the call, that I’ll never get another phone call again. I’ll rearrange bigger things, too, like my ideas on sex. Mostly. Not totally. But it’s like I want so badly for them to like me. That even when they already like me, I’m still doing these things. What am I trying to prove? I don’t even know. I’m sure I do this with friends, too. So desperate for their attention and spending time that I’ll forget my boundaries, move the edges around, and become someone I’m not. No wonder. I don’t recognize myself anymore. I’m not living my life in a way that’s true to me. I don’t know who I am, and me self esteem is in the pits.

    This feeling might generally have been true before. But right now, I’m going to say that it’s because I did not go to that program. Yes, maybe it was “smart” to stay. And I only stayed because I “had” to. But honestly, I’m miserable. This isn’t who I am. This isn’t where I want to be. I hate my life. I hate myself. Nothing brings me joy. The only thing I can do is go to work and then watch TV to escape. I feel pathetic. Doing all this “inner work” so that I can “make use of my time” and try to undo the blocks that got me to be here in the first place. But I feel terrible. I feel like a failure. Not a failure at life. Just a failure at being me. And being ourselves is the only true success. So really I’ve only failed at the one thing that even matters. I feel pathetic and like no one should want to be with me anyway. But even with all that….I still want love



  58.  #58Azure Blu on July 15, 2015 at 3:48 am

    {{{{Tereana}}}}
    Lovely, warm Siren
    You are being soooo vulnerable and authentic!
    so much amazing sharing of YOU with us
    here on Siren Island…
    Thank you,
    Your journey resonates with me on soooo many levels
    and the PURE sound of your Siren song
    is a mirror into my own heart…
    We are here for you…

    Keep sharing with us…

    I know for me, sharing my heart with all of you
    sweet, wonderful, searching, energetic Sirens
    has brought me such peace and comfort
    in my most Difficult of times!!!
    We are here for you Tereana…
    Do listen to YOUR heart of hearts
    and try and open up to all the love
    that the universe is sending YOUR way!!!
    oxox



  59.  #59Azure Blu on July 15, 2015 at 3:53 am

    Dixie,
    Ohhh… my!
    Portugal sounds so nice!!!
    My sister and her husband visited there recently and truly enjoyed their stay!

    Yes… even when it feels impossible… keep CDing
    I know I have struggled with it this time around…
    but as EMK says… you cant find your Mr. Right UNLESS you are dating… and it does feel soooo wonderful to have positive, energetic, enthusiasm from men coming my way…
    and a reminder that “HE” isn’t the ONLY man…
    in fact, there are sooo many men that would love to
    LOVE ME… if i would only let them!
    oxoxo



  60.  #60Indigo on July 15, 2015 at 3:58 am

    Tereana,

    I can remember feeling exactly like you at one stage. And I’m sure in some part of yourself you know that these things about yourself are not true, but you don’t quite “believe” it because your outer world is not reflecting back back to you who you feel you really are.

    I can remember feeling like I had to bend myself into a pretzel, for guys, for friends, for work, that I had to make it super easy for them because it was the only way they would stick around. I’m here to tell you that there ABSOLUTELY, no question, is a guy, a job, and friends who will accept your reasonable boundaries. Who will want you for you, and not because of what you “do” for them. You just have to start allowing that in, little by little, just like I had to. Stop searching for the approval of the unavailable, unhealthy, unloving types. Let them go. Start opening your heart and your life to people who are kind to you, start the process of getting comfortable with what feels easy and good.

    I’ve never shared this on the blog, but when I was with D, I deep down believed that no man would ever really want to commit to me. Being with a non-committal man made me feel that way. I believed men didn’t want commitment, or that somehow I wasn’t a woman who they’d feel committed to.

    I only had to leave that relationship and start going out with a man who talked about commitment from the get-go to know that that was bollocks. I’m now with a man, and I don’t know if he’s the one or if we’ll end up together (really it doesn’t even matter at this stage), but he is adoring and attentive and constantly wants to be with me and do for me and give to me, and talks about being married regularly. He doesn’t hold back, and when I’m around him I don’t feel anxious, I feel safe and secure. I don’t have to “please” him or bend to him because he’s just very solid.

    There are plenty of these men out there.

    Is this somewhat uncomfortable for me? You betcha. I’m not used to it and it feels a little scary and unusual, and a part of me is waiting for the moment when I’m going to have to start “chasing” and “proving myself”. But it also feels really good and easy and I know this is how it’s supposed to feel so I’m coaxing myself into allowing it and believing that I’m worth it.



  61.  #61Azure Blu on July 15, 2015 at 4:25 am

    Indigo #59
    I feel soooo Happy to read these words from your
    sweet warm heart!!!
    I am sooo excited to hear how you are stretching
    your HEART muscles and allowing a warm, caring man
    to adore, cherish and plan a future (this early)
    with YOU!!!

    I am taking notes… as I sooo struggle with this!
    I want to learn how to
    “coax myself into allowing it and believing that I’m worth it.”
    Gently coaxing!!
    hugss and kisses! We can do this!!



  62.  #62Femininewoman on July 15, 2015 at 6:57 am

    Oh Indigo that is so lovely. I feel so joyous for you I feel like jumping up and down and clapping. I feel so happy that you opened up this opportunity for yourself. Life is just so colorful when we decide to build it rather than just drifting along like fleetwood



  63.  #63Indigo on July 15, 2015 at 7:17 am

    Azure Blu,

    We can definitely do it honey 🙂

    Feminine Woman,

    Thank you. I do stumble and fall still but I feel like I’m on a happy, healthy path 🙂



  64.  #64Jasmine on July 15, 2015 at 1:02 pm

    That does feel lovely to hear Indigo and to know that there are some men that, however scary it feels, we want to give them a chance!

    I know it is likely all about where I am vibrating on the vibrating scale but I’m feeling frustrated that I can’t just bimble into someone nice that I like and that likes me ha ha Life feels so complicated and frustrating as I’ve got older.

    I liked what Indigo said to Tereana about not being able to see yourself in those around you. I felt a resonance with that. That has how it has been for me since I arrived home and have been in a new city. I have felt exiled from the me who is enjoyed and loved by lots of people. I have felt stagnant and inert. I have felt shut down because I’ve been just getting through the days and barely had anyone to talk to. It feels noisy and busy in my head and the affirmative situations have been far and through between.

    I felt strange today. Blinky eyed. I left the job that I had been doing because I really really did not enjoy it and I decided that if I was going to step up and not be powerless I would need to take control. So that is what I’ll do…and not in this city but in my home city where theres friends and liveliness. Anyway, I had been so looking forward to leaving I hadn’t given any thought to the fact they actually liked me and would miss me being there. I felt quite startled! There was one man who was particularly nice to me and today whist he was trying to find words to say good bye I thought ‘Ah!’ – maybe he had liked me? And he was a nice, intelligent, kind man – suitable, and I would have gone out and liked to know more about him, but he didn’t ask so what could I do? I didn’t do anything. Likewise, the other one who worked there who’d I’d gone for coffee with – nothing except lingering looks so onwards and that’s that.

    I leaned forward today with email man…it just felt too long for me and I messaged … I just desired connection with someone who I feel inspired by … I don’t know why it has to be him … I feel deep sigh … he hasn’t shown me any positive signs, yet, I feel excited by HIM…another deep sigh…I don’t really care, I’ve been here before and I know that obsessive thinking or uncomfortable – because they are too long between crumbs – silences will fade away into the recesses of my brain and bones as soon as I have more occupying my life and if he doesn’t reply at all I’ll feel a little sting for a bit and that’ll be that…it’s just as Tereana says I feel bored…but I just have to wait it out, it’ll change soon.



  65.  #65Tereana on July 15, 2015 at 2:57 pm

    Thank you, ladies, for your words, especially Azure Blu & Indigo. Azure Blu, I feel seen and heard and acknowledged. It brought a little smile to an otherwise pretty glum day.



  66.  #66Tereana on July 15, 2015 at 3:15 pm

    It feels good to be vulnerable here on the blog (is showing all my worst parts “vulnerable”??). I know people who are this vulnerable and “out there” on social media. I haven’t quite gotten there yet. I’ve had moments. But for the most part, I like to keep these kind of private thoughts out of the public spotlight. When I open up with them, sometimes it’s ok, but more often, I am misinterpreted. People start expressing concern for me, even if I feel perfectly fine. Or if I don’t feel fine, and I do want a response, often I get ignored. M

    Here it’s a lot more comfortable. Here, we all know what we are talking about and vulnerability is the goal.

    I often feel that there is no place I can trust. I guess it feels good to know that there is one place I can trust. Even if it is mostly anonymous…(which is part of why it feels safe..)



  67.  #67Tereana on July 15, 2015 at 3:20 pm

    I’d like to analyze how I feel about M (judgmentally, that is), so I can get a little more clarity about how I feel about myself.

    M is my ex, who I’m not seeing, but who has stayed somewhat present in my life. And I’m always reminded of why we aren’t right for each other.

    What bugs me most about M is:

    His aversion to closeness/intimacy
    He feels ashamed of himself sexually
    I don’t feel he is always totally honest with me

    What attracts me about him:

    He’s cute
    I like his smile
    He does make an effort to improve himself and do things right
    He stays in touch
    He’s shared something vulnerable and secret about himself
    He seems to accept himself, even with the shame feelings



  68.  #68Tereana on July 15, 2015 at 3:26 pm

    Attraction list continued:

    M finds ways to do things socially that make him happy
    He spends time on his friends
    He’s very silly sometimes and makes me laugh

    Those negatives draw attention to things I think concern me about myself. I’ve hoped that I can get him to “open up” and relax into intimacy, with me or just in general. But he doesn’t want that, and he’s sure that he doesn’t. At least not right now, I guess. I think it speaks to my own fear of intimacy – if he relaxed, maybe I could, too.

    If he didn’t feel shame, maybe I wouldn’t either.

    And maybe I’m not as honest as I believe myself to be.

    Of all of them, that last one might be the scariest. Honesty is so sacred to me. At least I think it is.



  69.  #69Zia on July 15, 2015 at 8:01 pm

    FW #30 – hello! It is going well thank you for asking 🙂 Still very early though so not much exciting going on hehe



  70.  #70Millie on July 15, 2015 at 9:25 pm

    Tereana– I hear you and often feel the same way. As much inner work as I try to do–sometimes I still don’t feel happy and still don’t feel at peace with myself.

    Jasmine– It’s nice to hear your voice on the blog again 🙂



  71.  #71Indigo on July 15, 2015 at 11:01 pm

    So….

    BikeCD and I went to the movies on Sunday night. I was feeling a little flat – possibly partly because of too much partying on Friday night, but mostly because I was sad about D. I’d had a good cry and really felt like I’d had the stuffing knocked out of me. Instead of hiding how I felt, I decided to take Rori’s advice and just go on the date and feel however I felt. I told Bike that I felt a bit down. Anyway, he was great. He took care of everything, bought the tickets and snacks and just generally was affectionate and caring.

    On Tuesday night he came over to my place and brought hot chocolate, cookies and marshmallows (it’s really cold here at the moment), and he spent the night and we had sex for the first time. I had taken the day off from work yesterday (Wednesday) because I thought this might happen, and I didn’t want to feel rushed or overwhelmed. It was great. BikeCD was very masculine and very take charge and protective, yet very gentle and caring. He held me and complimented me and was very sweet.

    I’m enjoying being with him, for the moment. It seems to be good for me to be with a man who always wants to be with me, always shows his interest, plans for the weekend in advance and just generally is totally easy and available. In my body I can feel the difference from D with whom I always felt a measure of anxiety – ranging the small things like unanswered messages, to the big things like having an angry outburst and withdrawing for days or even weeks. I know now that I DEFINITELY want easy. Easy is the only thing that will work.



  72.  #72Victoria on July 15, 2015 at 11:48 pm

    Indigo
    I am so happy for you! Yay you! Brava, brava!
    I had three wonderful dates in the last few days… One with F and two with R.
    And, similar to your BikeCD, R is very masculine and take charge. He has money, tries to spoil me, and opens the car door for me. Un-f**ken believable.
    F. is sniffing something but still has not interrogated me.
    I feel so happy, so full of joy, I am not even sure which of the two men is bringing this to me. I had great time with both of them, with F. my chemistry is very strong, but R. is doing so much to impress me, I am feeling both flattered and elated.
    So we shall see.
    Both of them said they feel I am magnetic. Now how strange is that? The tools work like magic!



  73.  #73Indigo on July 15, 2015 at 11:57 pm

    Victoria,

    Yay you! Yay us!!

    BikeCD also comes round to open the car door for me. He’s made some changes to his business to start doing even better financially, and he’s given up smoking, all since he’s met me. I didn’t ask or even hint for him to do any of this. It’s hard not to be impressed.



  74.  #74SurfDiva on July 16, 2015 at 9:10 am

    Hello Rori and Friends,
    It’s been a while since I’ve been here.

    I purchased Rori’s full program a couple of years ago. I’m finding myself thankful to have it as I’m now listening again to Reconnect Your Relationship.

    Still, I’m needing help right now.

    I met a man nine months ago. He moved to my area after selling his business and home in another part of the state. He grew up in this area and has family here. He has been looking for a job but has not found a job he feels is suitable.

    He is going through depression because of the job situation. The depression is affecting our relationship. He says he feels like he is not able to give me the love and affection he wants to give right now because of what is going on in his life and that he is confused about what to do about us.

    He sees US as one more thing he is not doing well right now and it is making him feel bad about himself even more. He says it is not fair to me.

    I told him to take a few days to think about what he wants to do.

    We’ve had one day apart and it has been agony. We have been inseparable since we met. We live down the street from each other and see each other everyday.

    I know that the problem is not US or me. We have been great together. That’s what is killing me.

    I think he is right, though, that continuing could damage what is great between us. I’d like to say he should go off and figure out his stuff and come back and I’ll be here, but that doesn’t seem like something a Siren would do!

    I’d love some thoughts on how to handle this situation. Especially if he decides we need to separate which is likely.

    What do I say? How do I feel? How do I go on! Ha!

    Thanks in advance for any support!!!

    I do have to say, I’m handling this whole thing so much better than I would have before this program. Rori’s program has helped me to see what is happening energetically and to not take it personally. Still, I love this man deeply and am feeling all kinds of feelings. Some support would be appreciated! 🙂

    Thank you so much!



  75.  #75Lovergirl on July 16, 2015 at 9:29 am

    Indigo-

    I’m excited for you about BikeCD. He seems like he’s pulling all the stops for you. So fun, and I’m sure very helpful in your work towards getting over D.



  76.  #76Lovergirl on July 16, 2015 at 9:46 am

    The past couple days, since hearing from S again, have been kind of difficult. All the feelings started to resurface and I miss him so much. Then this morning, he texts me again.

    He wanted to know if I would take some tests for him for money and said its totally fine if I don’t want to do it. It was a hard decision for me because I could use the money and its something I can do from home on my computer. I thought about it for awhile though and decided it was best not to because it opens us up to the whole “friends” dynamic.

    So I sent him this text:

    Thank you for asking, I do appreciate the offer to make money. I feel like doing things for you puts me in a position to be walked over. I don’t want to be the friend that helps you out while other women are getting taken to parties and treated romantically.

    He responded:

    Ok, I understand- btw I went to that 1 party with that chick and haven’t seen her since that night…but it’s not really necessary to explain my actions

    I wrote back:

    You didn’t do anything wrong S. It’s just how it made me feel. I felt awful and betrayed and hurt and angry. It’s okay for you to do whatever you want, even if it hurts me and thats the problem. I don’t want it to be okay.

    He said:

    I definitely get it- and I don’t want to deliberately hurt you.

    Then a couple minutes later he texted:

    Guess it’s best for us to keep going our separate ways.

    I didn’t respond. I’m leaving it at that. This is hard but I’m proud of myself for not backing down.



  77.  #77Senior Lady Vibe on July 16, 2015 at 9:58 am

    A woman of color, a journalist, an activist and a feminist of note…

    “Today’s Google Doodle Celebrates Journalist Ida B. Wells’ Birthday”

    Ida B. Wells
    Born: July 16, 1862, Holly Springs, MS
    Died: March 25, 1931, Chicago, IL

    https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ida_B._Wells

    SLV
    xoxo



  78.  #78Indigo on July 16, 2015 at 10:03 am

    Lovergirl – GO YOU.

    I am very proud of you. You are being strong and amazing.

    Now you need to believe him and let him go and let you both go your separate ways.



  79.  #79Senior Lady Vibe on July 16, 2015 at 10:04 am

    I see comment @ #74 is accepted but my comment @#74 plus one is not.

    The world is still an interesting place and my joy shall not be squelched.

    my, my, my… 😥

    SLV
    xoxo



  80.  #80Senior Lady Vibe on July 16, 2015 at 10:19 am

    Ida B. Wells. What an inspiration!

    What would she do? My guess? Keep on trying.

    Here we go again –>
    ———————

    “Today’s Google Doodle Celebrates Journalist Ida B. Wells’ Birthday”

    Ida B. Wells
    Born: July 16, 1862, Holly Springs, MS
    Died: March 25, 1931, Chicago, IL

    Some of the intriguing story can be found at:

    wikipedia dot org and search for Ida B. Wells

    SLV
    xoxo



  81.  #81Senior Lady Vibe on July 16, 2015 at 10:24 am

    I’m in moderation again? Me? Wow!

    SLV
    xoxo



  82.  #82Kath on July 16, 2015 at 10:25 am

    Ladies I need your valuable advice!

    After saying that I was happy on my own etc etc I have had a couple of text messages from a guy who I got chatting to on a dating site before I quit online dating. I have responded to each text but not made any suggestions or moves to meet or to contact him by phone. His latest text says the following:
    “Maybe when you have time, you could call, we can chat and perhaps be civilised and friendly to another Kath”
    I felt uncomfortable and instantly irritated when I read it- How do you think I should respond????



  83.  #83Kath on July 16, 2015 at 10:26 am

    That should say “one another Kath”- I’m even irritated by typing out what he’s said!



  84.  #84Senior Lady Vibe on July 16, 2015 at 10:27 am

    Here we go one more time –>
    ———————

    “Today’s G***** Doodle Celebrates Journalist Ida B. Wells’ Birthday”

    Ida B. Wells
    Born: July 16, 1862, Holly Springs, MS
    Died: March 25, 1931, Chicago, IL

    Some of the intriguing story can be found at:

    w******** dot org



  85.  #85Senior Lady Vibe on July 16, 2015 at 10:29 am

    I see Ida Wells is still being censored a hundred years later so I am moved to do something to honor her. Some project. Maybe more than one.

    Thinking about that.



  86.  #86Azure Blu on July 16, 2015 at 10:45 am

    {{{{Jasmine}}}}
    Ohhh… so good to hear your Siren song!!

    IMO, from what you are sharing
    it does make sense that you quit your job
    are wanting to move
    to the city you know, like and have friends in!!!
    To me this sounds like You taking exquisite care
    Of YOU!!!

    Also, giving yourself the permission to lean a little forward with this man… see what happens.
    BUT realizing you are NOT interested in
    Crumbs only!!!
    oxoxo



  87.  #87Azure Blu on July 16, 2015 at 11:03 am

    Tereana #66 & 67
    Sooo interesting for me to read about your
    likes and dislikes of your ex…

    I’m remembering the three things
    most coaches agree we should feel
    when we’re with a man.
    Do I feel cared for, safe, heard and understood?

    Zara shared this a few posts ago
    and I LOVE IT!
    “The mirror is the magical means to experience
    the privilege of SEEing me.

    The mirror does not create anxiety.

    It is my judgment of my reflection,
    my denial of where I am at in my humanity
    that creates the anxious blue feelings.

    
The mirror is my precious innocent ally
    in which to follow my mesmerising endless morphing towards the infinity of love.”



  88.  #88Azure Blu on July 16, 2015 at 11:13 am

    SLadyV…
    Thank you for sharing this… I visited some of the sites g**gle mentioned about Ida B Wells!!
    WOW what a powerful Siren she was!!
    “the Way to right Wrongs is to shine
    the light of Truth on them!!”



  89.  #89Azure Blu on July 16, 2015 at 11:14 am

    Lovergirl #74…
    Wow!! I am feeling very inspired by your courage
    and your Self care!!
    oxoxo!



  90.  #90Azure Blu on July 16, 2015 at 11:19 am

    Indigo #70
    Huggggsss for the grieving and sadness you are
    feeling!

    Such a great reminder for me..
    Yes, show who I am,,,, even if I’m NOT feeling soo
    happy or energetic…
    An intimate opportunity for closeness!
    I am sooo happy you are feeling relaxed and easy!!
    :-))



  91.  #91Senior Lady Vibe on July 16, 2015 at 11:49 am

    @86: Azure Blu
    “SLadyV…
    Thank you for sharing this… I visited some of the sites g**gle mentioned about Ida B Wells!!
    WOW what a powerful Siren she was!!”

    So glad you enjoyed. 🙂

    I had known of her but not well. I found the wi kip edia site had good notes on her and I’m going to seek out some biographies to read.

    I’m always inspired by women who faced really trying times and created something for themselves and others. It helps me pooh-pooh and put into perspective my little day-to-day annoyances.

    Huffington Post says:
    “Fearless Journalist And All-Round Badass Ida B. Wells Honored…”

    SLV
    xoxo



  92.  #92Femininewoman on July 16, 2015 at 12:05 pm

    Hi Kath.

    “That’s a great idea”.

    Why would you feel irritated? Even if he misunderstood a message you sent he can only communicate the best way he knows how. Whatever is happening with him that would trigger him to communicate like that is just what it is. It seems to me that you might be taking it personal because you might be feeling criticized or blamed for something?



  93.  #93Senior Lady Vibe on July 16, 2015 at 12:43 pm

    @80: Kath says:
    “Ladies I need your valuable advice!…”

    Yes, that text was awkward. I had an “ewww” reaction when I read it…then I had thoughts of “What could I do with this?”

    Even good guys say and do stupid and awkward things. Some guys are jerks, some just don’t have good dating skills but they could be well worth getting to know.

    OTOH, there are scores of hot guys (looking for their next hot females) who know all the right things to say and all the smooth moves to make. They might be exciting for a few dates, weeks, or months but women later find themselves bonded, crazed and pining for a hot guy with no future potential.

    So, what do you have here? Who knows?

    Out of curiosity and my own law of serendipity, I’d toss him the ball and run off to see if he’d come after me IRL. If not, I’d give up the anonymous chit chat with him on site and texting.

    “I’d love to chat. I’m open to an invitation to meet for coffee.”

    SLV
    xoxo



  94.  #94Indigo on July 16, 2015 at 12:44 pm

    Kath,

    I agree with FW. I would not take his message or choice of words personally. I like to take things like this as an opportunity to figure out what I want and communicate it in feeling messages.



  95.  #95Azure Blu on July 16, 2015 at 12:53 pm

    SLadyV
    YES!! i love this!
    ““I’d love to chat. I’m open to an invitation to meet for coffee.”



  96.  #96Indigo on July 16, 2015 at 12:53 pm

    Azure Blu,

    Thank you for your hugs and compassion. They are very needed at the moment.

    I had another opportunity to communicate to BikeCD what I want tonight. I told him that I felt all vulnerable since he and I slept together. He told me he has been trying not to overwhelm me and trying to respect my space (I did say I preferred to have my space respected when he and I first met). And yet now that we’ve slept together I find myself wanting more time together and communication! I told him that I couldn’t really explain it logically but that women want what they want, that I was cautious at first but now finding myself feeling a little more exposed and open and in need of a plan.

    He responded extremely well and said he would happily see me every day. He suggested how about if he asks me each day if he can see me and I can then say yes or not tonight. I must say that is exactly what I was wanting.

    It all feels rather fast, but it also feels very calm and safe, and I feel like I need that now.



  97.  #97Azure Blu on July 16, 2015 at 12:58 pm

    Indigo!!! # 92
    I am glad you could feel my virtual huggs and love!!

    I don’t know about you… but something i’ve discovered lately
    When I’m getting more emotionally intimate with a man… I start pinning, thinking about my ex’s
    I think it helps buffer me from the extreme
    anxiety i feel when intimacy gets overwhelming…
    Not sure how to ease out of it and into feeling closer…
    Maybe just recognizing that is what I’m doing…???

    THIS MAN SOUNDS AMAZING!!
    His responses to your Siren feeling messages
    is TEXT BOOK!!
    Ohhh.. my… I LOVE reading this!



  98.  #98Senior Lady Vibe on July 16, 2015 at 1:17 pm

    @93: Azure Blu

    🙂

    SLV
    xoxo



  99.  #99Zia on July 16, 2015 at 4:25 pm

    Lovergirl #74 – good for you. i feel so proud 🙂



  100.  #100Rori Raye on July 16, 2015 at 5:29 pm

    Mandy, thank you so much for this awesome awesome post love Rori



  101.  #101Kath on July 16, 2015 at 5:51 pm

    Thanks Ladies,

    Yes- You’re right I shouldn’t take it personally, that’s me and I have to learn not to. Instead I am learning to do feeling messages so I will respond by trying that!- I’ll keep you posted 🙂



  102.  #102Millie on July 16, 2015 at 11:07 pm

    Lovergirl!!!!! I want to jump up and down and hug you and cheers you! I feel celebratory that you are celebrating yourself and staying strong honoring your feelings!! I feel inspired by you and your CDing 🙂

    Mandy!! Awesome post! I love how emphatic and vivacious your words sound! Yes to being your quirky, fun self and not caring what others think! i want to jump up and down and cheers you as well!

    Kath– That text would feel off-putting to me as well. My initial reaction would probably be to write him off because he seems to have a chip on his shoulder that I don’t feel responsible to work through, but the other ladies advice sounds much more open, sireny, and void of judgement! Let us know what you decide and how it goes!



  103.  #103Millie on July 16, 2015 at 11:21 pm

    I know this article is about the wonders of CDing and the magic it works– so I guess it is ironic that I’ve decided to take a break from dating. I don’t feel interested in the idea at all right now, so I’m leaning back from it and spending that energy on myself. I had a scary thought the other day…that while I’ve gained so much experience and grown so much in the past 13 years– How I feel about myself hasn’t changed. I feel the same about myself as how I did in high school, which is really scary. Overcritical, a tendency to wall people out socially, feeling less than, that I wasn’t good enough, that I didn’t deserve certain things like other did– like I didn’t deserve to be a dancer, that I was hideous and no one would really like me if they knew me. I guess what I’m saying is– while a lot has changed, I’ve had the same negative voices my whole life. Those haven’t changed. I hear the same recording, the same weight that pulls me down, not allowing me to be free of it. Why? I wonder if I’m subconsciously scared of losing a part of my identity if I let my negative voices go..that accepting who I am is scarier than thinking I’ll never be good enough. If you aren’t good enough, then failure becomes more palletable. It becomes predictable. Relationships feel “too good to be true” and abnormal. Normalcy for me is being alone, being sad, beating myself up for all the things I messed up, for who I am not..It’s not true, and not healthy I know. It’s kind of sad and may come across as some sort of glamorous self-loathing when it is nothing of the sort. I’ve shared my negative voices a lot here and have been given tools to overcome them, I’m just wondering why I haven’t… perhaps I’m choosing the wrong company. Anyway, I do need some time for myself…I can’t imagine embarking on any new love adventure right now or opening myself up to that hurt again.



  104.  #104Indigo on July 16, 2015 at 11:38 pm

    Millie,

    I applaud you for taking time for yourself.

    I still have the same negative voices I had in high school. The ones which tell me I’m foolish or laughable or a joke. The ones which make me feel self-conscious about the fact that I went to a fancy private school where I was surrounded by girls from wealthy families while my family didn’t have a lot of money. The ones which tell me I’m clumsy and a daydreamer, or don’t get taken seriously. At some point these were messages that got internalised and they stuck. Personally I don’t think they ever completely go away. Everyone has insecurities. So don’t worry if they come to visit you now and again, or even often. To be honest I will go a while without even thinking about these insecurities of mine and all of a sudden they will pop up in response to something and cause me a twinge of pain. I think all that changes is we get some perspective on these voices and can recognise them for what they are, and put them in their proper place. They’re a part of you looking for your love and indulgence. With time the voices get softer and less vociferous and easier to handle.



  105.  #105Victoria on July 17, 2015 at 12:29 am

    Indigo,
    Soooo, here is the deal.
    I saw R. again last night. F. is gone on a work related trip and will be away for a week or so.
    R says he wants to see me every day. I can see he is smitten. I feel awkward. I do not feel guilty vis-a-vis F. He has had plenty of time and opportunities to have me fully booked and all to himself, yet he never did. I never asked him to do it anyhow, as all this time I have also been on the fence as to whether he is the right man for me.
    R. is the opposite of F. in so many ways… he is extremely punctual, athletic, healthy-living oriented. At the end of each date he has planned the next one and asked me out. At the same time, he is not as smart, witty and charismatic as F.
    F. is the type of man who makes head turns.
    Oh well.
    Can I have them both or do I have to make a choice?



  106.  #106Victoria on July 17, 2015 at 12:32 am

    I mean “heads turn” not “head turns” lol.



  107.  #107Mandy on July 17, 2015 at 12:54 am

    Thanks Millie 🙂

    I feel so bored tonite. I crave excitement!



  108.  #108Sami Wunder on July 17, 2015 at 1:13 am

    # Surf Diva

    Firstly, awesome awareness you have there. You need to let him be no matter how hard it feels to you. It will feel sad/horrible I know and those are perfectly normal feelings to feel in a situation like this. However, pushing ourselves on a man when he clearly says he is not able to step up right now reduces his attraction for us. Plus, with a depressed guy we run the huge risk of getting into rescue mode and we don´t want to step in there. You are welcome to connect with me personally and we can work out a script together that will hold your boundaries and keep the relationship open and inspire him to return when he is ready. Love, Sami

    # Mandy, chiming in with Rori – LOVED what you had to say ! You Go Girl !



  109.  #109Indigo on July 17, 2015 at 2:28 am

    Victoria,

    It all depends. Are you exclusive with F? If not, or if you suspect he knows you’re dating others yet has said nothing, then I think you’re safe to keep dating R. If F thinks you have a monogamous relationship, it’s only fair to have a conversation.

    If you’re on the fence though, and you think R may be a better fit for you, then I think you owe it to yourself to keep dating him and see where it leads.

    Looks are wonderful (D was gorgeous and I wanted to rip his clothes off every time I saw him), but I don’t know if they count for the most in the long run…



  110.  #110Victoria on July 17, 2015 at 2:46 am

    Indigo,
    thank you so much for your opinion.
    The thing is, with F., the looks are one thing, but he is also smarter and more fun to be with. And, he has a little streak of bad boy in him. And, he keeps me guessing.
    I am not so worried about whether to tell F. I mean, I am pretty sure that I can go a long way without telling him anything.
    I am more thinking how to put some breaks on R., without turning him away. Slow down tiger, as you very eloquently put it in one of your posts. I might actually get to really like stable and predicatable. And easy, just like you said it.
    I am also thinking, do I need a plan, do I need a strategy, or can I go along with whatever comes my way?



  111.  #111Indigo on July 17, 2015 at 3:07 am

    Victoria,

    I can definitely see why you like F.

    In my experience, guys appreciate and respond best to honesty. I think you can set the tone for the whole relationship if you set things up consciously right from the beginning. This is the one thing I wish I had done differently with D – I just allowed myself to get swept along unawares, instead of focusing on what I want and communicating it.

    Maybe just figure out what you want from R and then communicate it to him? If he’s a good prospect for you, you two will be able to work something out.



  112.  #112Azure Blu on July 17, 2015 at 5:43 am

    Victoria #110
    How wonderful to have 2 men adoring and spending lots of time with you!!

    I agree with Indigo about having your wants and needs thought out and scripted…
    For the past year with online dating I have been very clear with myself what I want and need in a relationship… and have practiced sharing all of that with my CDs

    As I worked on feeling closer and growing my relationship with Spirit,
    I started realizing that i also want a day to day closeness….
    phone contact, seeing him regularly and sleeping together often during the week..

    So now *I* know what i want even more clearly!
    I have been sharing most of this in the beginning with all CDs… and when/if the relationship progresses…
    just like Indigo shared with Bike,
    I want day to day contact and interaction!!!



  113.  #113Azure Blu on July 17, 2015 at 5:54 am

    Mandy #44!!!
    Yay YOU!!!
    You are sounding happy and self LOVING!!!
    Your post makes me smile!
    oxox



  114.  #114Azure Blu on July 17, 2015 at 6:20 am

    Sirens,
    YEP… the classic 8 weeks!
    Spirit contacted me on Wed.
    11 pm with “I’m at this bar…”
    I ignored it as I was in bed…
    then he texted again
    and I thought…
    I WILL lean forward and CALL him… I want closure…
    I want an apology
    so I called… My heart pounding!!
    He had been drinking a lot…
    He said a few things…
    I said I was struggling with getting over
    my heart being shattered in a million pieces
    and him texting out of the blue did not help!!

    He started to tell me all the things he missed about me… and I listened… waiting for the apology
    and then I said…
    I can’t talk any more until you apologize…
    and he did over and over…
    It felt good to hear…
    It was part of the healing process that I needed…
    I talked about his girlfriend… of course he didn’t claim her… sorta…
    about my concern with his drinking too much…
    Did he think he needed to go to AA?

    I said why didn’t you just tell me… “Clara. I don’t want what you want in a relationship… or “I’m in love with someone else…”????
    We talked for half hour… I was having a difficult time hearing him cause he was in the bar…
    He couldn’t hear all I was saying…

    Not only is this the classic 8 weeks/
    BUT it is the anniversary of our first date…
    I mentioned that.. July 18—
    He pretended not to know (He keeps track, I know he does) He planned a meeting for tonight..

    I said OK… it’s only as friends…
    Sooo … he texted and called last night,
    we just caught each other up on what had been going on…
    Sure enough… he is still in limbo with his job situation… struggling with getting things going…
    I thought that was a big part of what happened between us…
    BUT Wed night he *didn’t* contact me saying he was depressed this time (before that was his excuse for having gone days without contact)..
    He said he was having a good day and wanted to share it with me… I liked that soooo much better!!! :-))

    BUT Sirens… let me be VERY clear…
    I am dating 3 VERY nice men… who do NOT cause,
    anxiety, chaos and drama….
    *CAN* talk about our relationship easily and want to see me all the time!!! THEY feel much better than the crumbs I get from Spirit!

    He wants to meet tonight – for our anniversary –
    and tell me the big break through he has had
    He feels soo crazy and self centered
    Not for me!!



  115.  #115Azure Blu on July 17, 2015 at 6:22 am

    ooopss… our anniversary of our first date…
    July 17



  116.  #116Lovergirl on July 17, 2015 at 6:27 am

    Azure-

    Wow, that must be causing all kinds of feelings within you. I love that he called right on the 8 week dot, like Pat Allen and others have said they will. I totally understand your feelings about not wanting to accept him and his crumbs back when you now know you can get better. It’s so funny how that works. It’s like they are always too late when they finally figure out their feelings and by then you are past it and at the no thanks stage.



  117.  #117Indigo on July 17, 2015 at 6:29 am

    Azure Blu 97,

    You said:
    “I don’t know about you… but something i’ve discovered lately
    When I’m getting more emotionally intimate with a man… I start pinning, thinking about my ex’s
    I think it helps buffer me from the extreme
    anxiety i feel when intimacy gets overwhelming…
    Not sure how to ease out of it and into feeling closer…
    Maybe just recognizing that is what I’m doing…???”

    Yes that is exactly what happened to me. Dominique encouraged me to just be with the uncomfortable feelings, and I must say I think this is it… It has helped. I don’t think there is any quick fix, just gently easing ourselves into better feeling situations. Luckily for me, BikeCD has been incredibly relaxed and easygoing, so it’s made it 100 times easier for me. I think a very accepting and caring man is your best bet Azure 🙂



  118.  #118Kim on July 17, 2015 at 6:45 am

    Wow Azure!!!! Spirit has come back…and you have moved on to much better men..honestly, he sounds like a mess and preoccupied with himself and unavailable..and drinking..eeek!!!!!
    You are in a completely different place and now you see things more clearly!!
    I am sure it has been hard, but these flitty men don’t tend to change…we hope they do, but eh!!
    I am 100% more happy with my available and sedate man than I ever was with the exciting, unreliable men and all their issues and self-preoccupied-ness.
    I too hear from MrP, on a regular basis…I suspect when he feels like female support/s*x/comfort blanket/ ego stroke.
    He wants to meet..on his terms only, of course…not realizing that I am not even available for that.
    Now I see: He is all about himself. He invited me boating ‘on standby’ because, oh actually, he has already invited so may others but it’s likely that one might cancel. If I am ‘lucky’. LOL.
    I said nothing. I would not have accepted anyway.
    However, I am incredulous…because it was not a joke. They believe we sit and wait for them to offer us crumbs and go ‘hooray’….it sorta amuses me.

    So when he realized that I was not interested in being a ‘stand-by-woman’, an that I had better plans, he said ‘how about Friday night, let’s do something’…and I just replied:
    ‘I’ll let you know. Right now I am busy, but if I have a cancellation I could maybe fit you in, if you are lucky.’
    Of course, it was a joke. I have no intentions of meeting. He thought it was funny – no self reflection. I know two years ago, I would have cried my eyes out had he invited me on stand-by, now I am just amused…and slightly irritated that he seems to think I would even go for that. I feel weird, like ‘is this the man whom I thought was my one?’ I feel almost embarrassed in front of myself now lol…and I feel embarrassed to write it out here!!
    What WAS I thinking?
    Ok, so I know also that he liked and obviously still likes to wind me up…he used to comment on how hot other women were when we were on a date…now he tells me he invited other (women?) for boating, but I could be on standby….lol. Ha ha!!! No Sir!
    If a man would now comment on how hot other women are when we are on a romantic date, I would just finish my food/drink and get up and leave – I would not even bother with feeling messages because I know that every minute is wasted…that would not be the type of guy who would even get a second date with me now. Epic fail.
    Of course, your Spirit situation is completely different – I know you won’t get sucked back in…especially with those lovely men on the horizon. Keep your eyes on the horizon… 😉
    You know, I am happy you have those other guys who are totally available and willing….
    I have also followed Indigo here (hello!!!), and I am so happy for everyone who has said good bye to an unavailable and is now getting what they deserve…it’s so lovely to hear/watch…it’s making me feel really good and positive.
    Keep us posted!!



  119.  #119Lovergirl on July 17, 2015 at 6:45 am

    Thank you Indigo, Azure, Zia, Millie.

    I feel stronger having said no to S and putting my feelings out there. Now the challenge of trying to actually believe him and go our separate ways. My heart doesn’t want to and he makes it hard.

    He doesn’t seem to be a wait 8 weeks kind of guy. Maybe because he is a lefty- he’s a typical logical thinking man but he’s also more emotional and expressive than most. I have a feeling I will hear from him again before that long.

    I don’t want to give in to anything less than what I really want with him and that’s a real relationship, where I have the guarantee I am first in his heart. So for now I am dating and sleeping with whoever I want to. I am going out with the boring guy tomorrow, out to eat with him and then a double date with some of his friends to a concert that I know I am going to enjoy. Sunday I am seeing RadioCD.

    I wish Tinder still worked on my phone but I can’t access it and that other guy that I met probably thinks I don’t like him. I found his Facebook and tried to email him and let him know what happened but it said it would go to his “other” folder and I don’t think anyone checks those. So I sent him a friend request, even though I don’t really want to be his friend on there, lol. He hasn’t responded and it probably made me look like a stalker (and was definitely leaning forward) but I just felt so bad about not being able to respond or read whatever he sent me on Tinder. When I reinstalled it on my phone I am afraid it may have unmatched me with everyone but I guess I’ll never know. So frustrating!!



  120.  #120Azure Blu on July 17, 2015 at 6:48 am

    Lovergirl…
    thank you!

    YES!!! it is soooo bizarre
    All the classic things that cause an ex to return…
    8 weeks
    Really nice men in my life…
    Seeing who he really is and NOT wanting it!!

    I do still have feelings for him… wish we were different people so we could be together…
    extreme religion and politics
    just WONT work for me!!

    Yes, it is too bad it takes something sooo
    heart breaking to happen…
    BUT thank G*d it did…
    He is a VERY angry man and it shows up in passive aggressive ways…
    He feels So Dangerous!
    Nothing I want for me!!



  121.  #121Azure Blu on July 17, 2015 at 7:05 am

    Kim !!!!
    Huggs darling Siren!!
    Sooo great to hear from you!!
    Thank you for your encouragement!!

    Yes, i have this one lovely man T.
    whom I really am liking…
    he is in contact on a regular basis..
    CAN talk on the phone…
    Set up a really fun date to see the LPGA in his town on Sat…
    set up our meeting NOT at his house
    Which fits my comfort level – only the 2nd date
    I DONT want to go to his house!!!!
    He said this morning… call me tonight if you want
    I want you to know you can call me anytime…
    but that he would call me before our date tomorrow…

    It felt caring!! Soooo different from Spirit who had HUGE barriers (or so it felt) to when I could contact him!!!

    I’ve been doing the texting thing a little different
    with these guys…
    they have all been extremely interested and talked openly about their feelings for me…
    so I have started picking up the phone and calling when I get a text from them…
    AN they are all responding very positively by calling me more AND
    Hearing their voices and phone conversations are so much more intimate for me!!!

    I did NOT like, the pit of only texting, Spirit and I had gotten into… I see now I could have easily guided us out of that… but that is the fear and feeling less than
    that overcomes me when I am in a toxic relationship!!
    Ugghhhh!!!



  122.  #122Azure Blu on July 17, 2015 at 7:07 am

    Kim…
    It sounds like you and MoM are doing really well…
    How is your summer going down there in the warm Fl sun?

    My daughter tells me it is QUITE warm!!
    We are cold and rainy… this week has been a little warmer! Way up here In the north!!



  123.  #123Azure Blu on July 17, 2015 at 7:08 am

    Indigo #117
    Wow… thank you for sharing what Dominiques warm words of wisdom on this are!!
    oxoxo



  124.  #124Kim on July 17, 2015 at 7:14 am

    Yes, Azure, it was the same for me..toxic and then we become insecure or fearful or whatever…none of this happens with the right guy, I can assure you….nothing is that big a deal when you have an available man at your hands.
    Took me a while to get out of the drama and understand what was going on…not saying it’s always perfect, BUT it is much easier, effortless etc.
    T sounds great!!
    All good down here…I am still not sure if I am staying and MoM and I work out long time (he has not mentioned marriage or anything at all anymore and I have decided not to bring it up because the man I marry can do it himself lol), but for now all is good and I am happy…taking one day at a time!
    I am still open although not CDing other men. One never knows what life will bring, that’s the interesting part.
    Yes it is SWELTERING!!!! lol
    Thank you for asking 🙂



  125.  #125Dominique on July 17, 2015 at 7:15 am

    Millie – 103 – This is some great stuff, uncovering possibilities for why those voices persist. Maybe this is so, that in their familiarity, you do feel some comfort. Yet they still feel awful, don’t they.

    I wonder if those voices have softened at all. For I don’t know that they go away altogether. Especially when under stress or when emotions feel heightened for whatever reason, they have an easier in, and they will grab the opportunity. Yet can you get a handle on them more quickly, dismiss them more readily.

    Can you also try to show them some love? They have been working hard to protect you after all.

    Maybe if you can view all of this in this way, as a gradual feeling better, maybe you can also feel better about where you are on your path of healing?

    xxoo



  126.  #126Dominique on July 17, 2015 at 7:18 am

    Victoria – What do you want? Do you want them both? Does one or the other feel better, more comfortable, more right? You don’t have to choose until you feel ready to, and this choice might also be neither one.

    xxoo



  127.  #127Dominique on July 17, 2015 at 7:37 am

    Azure Blu – Just want to let you know I see you, follow you, and tell you that you’re amazing. Your growth in such a short time is phenomenal. You’re such a breath of fresh air with you eloquent and poetic voice.

    Love to you.

    xxoo



  128.  #128Indigo on July 17, 2015 at 8:05 am

    Hi Kim!!

    “nothing is that big a deal when you have an available man at your hands.”

    Yes!! When I shared with BikeCd how I felt last night, he offered to come over straight away, we had a 5 minute conversation about how we both felt and came to an agreement and it was all over! No drama whatsoever! Exactly how it should be. I used to dread having conversations like this with D, because it often turned into a passive aggressive ordeal which would drive us even further apart.

    Azure Blu, it’s interesting you mention Spirit’s drinking. I think D may also have a drinking problem. It never even occurred to me until recently someone else who’s known him for a long time mentioned that they thought he might be alcoholic, because he drinks every single night – not just soft stuff but hard stuff like spirits etc. and on the weekend he starts drinking from the morning. I think this must tie in in some way to his angry outbursts and passive aggression.



  129.  #129Azure Blu on July 17, 2015 at 8:23 am

    Indigo…
    How interesting… the similarities of Spirit and D!!

    Yeah,,, addictions… sure fire way to drive a wedge between intimacy, reality and avoiding whatever is causing the excessive use of alcohol!!

    Before we broke up, this last time, Spirit mentioned his concern with his drinking almost every time we were together… I pretty much just said “Oh” or “Really”
    But after being away AND getting the drunk phone call I can see he has surely been drinking MUCH more than when we first met! :-((



  130.  #130Azure Blu on July 17, 2015 at 8:27 am

    Indigo…
    I LOVE how you and Bike are flowing!!!

    Yes… the ease that all 3 of my CDs can talk about relationship is SOOOO GREAT!!!
    They listen, share how THEY feel… DONT run away
    Or say “YOU always want to talk about this stuff!!”
    which is exACtly what Spirit would say… unless… He brings it up!!

    My, my… able to communicate.. not underlying anger!!
    just what my heart is CRAVING!!
    YUMMY!



  131.  #131Azure Blu on July 17, 2015 at 8:32 am

    Dominique #127….
    Ahhh… My heart is swollen with feelings of love and appreciation from your comments and
    what feels to me like
    a BIG, WARM, virtual HUG from your loving heart…
    thank you sooo much for this…
    “and tell you that you’re amazing. Your growth in such a short time is phenomenal.”
    Because, like all the Sirens, I feel like it has taken me sooo f**king long to move my heart and mind and body into MY light… :_)))
    I am patting myself on the back!
    oxoxo



  132.  #132Dominique on July 17, 2015 at 8:50 am

    Azure – <3 Yes it almost always feels interminable, yet remember this is a life long journey and that you're on it at all is so wonderful, for few are brave enough to do this kind of work. And remember rewiring old pathways in your brain which were established a long time ago takes time. BIG HUGS back at you. 🙂 Wishing you sunnnier and warmer weather.

    xxoo



  133.  #133Azure Blu on July 17, 2015 at 9:05 am

    Dominique…
    ahhh… yes… the calmness that my body and mind and spirit feel when I read those relaxing words
    Like a long cool drink, on a hot summer day…
    “…. remember this is a lifelong journey, and that you’re on it at all is sooo wonderful!!” and few are brave enough to take it!! :-))

    Where I am right NOW is PERFECT… and exactly where Im supposed to be!



  134.  #134Azure Blu on July 17, 2015 at 9:11 am

    Kim #118
    LOVE THIS!!
    “‘I’ll let you know. Right now I am busy, but if I have a cancellation I could maybe fit you in, if you are lucky.’
    yay !!! YOU!!



  135.  #135Deborah Wingard on July 17, 2015 at 12:10 pm

    I paid for the ebook and another video promoting additional items came on. I closed the screen and waited for an email with a link to the ebook. None has come. i have paid but have not access to the ebook.



  136.  #136Liquid Light on July 17, 2015 at 2:34 pm

    Azure, reading your words is so refreshing! I love how these higher quality men are appearing in your life and showering you with attention and appreciation. I LOVE it! I’m so happy for you! So much better than Spirit whom in comparison seems incapable of relationship and is unworthy of you.

    I love how you have flipped this around!

    This is all music to my ears! You, girl, go!

    Big hugs, LL



  137.  #137Mistea1 on July 18, 2015 at 12:25 pm

    Hello sirens,
    An update here. I thought I could go to MusicTd’s recitals but decided no after being accidently outed by someone loudly calling out my name just before he started to play last time. I’m done there. I’ve read up on narcissists and the word is to have nothing to do with them, especially when they ask you if you are ‘still alive’.

    I’m happy at the new place. I’m going out to other music events.

    You all will be so proud of my CDing efforts. I was surrounded by 3 men at the last party. What fun. Course I shall overlook the fact that they were all happily married and I was the safest woman for them to be with at that time!

    I’ve let go of 3 non-candidates. I’m not going to do online dating anymore. This is such a large urban area with a large music interest that I should find a number of people.

    I met an interesting person who plays the largest Carrillon (bells) in the area. Perhaps he can ring my bells sometime!! I will go back next week when he plays again and perhaps get a personal tour of the bell tower.

    Only one problem. Six months ago I met a friend of my dtr-in-law. So he is included in most family get togethers. The first time we met I was my usual friendly self and when he got quiet I figured it was ‘a hard week at work’ type of thing. Second time we met at a dinner party, after a few minutes he went into this ‘feel sorry for me, I’m sad sort of thing’. He must have over done it because my dtr-in-law looked sharply at him and asked if he was OK. I then turned my attention to the couple next to me and the others. Then last week we met again on the front porch with family and the only available seat was next to him. Same thing (pity me I’m sad). By this time I’m catching on through my study that this is a ususal ploy with narcissists. So other than an impersonal greeting I paid attention to the other guests and left shortly after that. So to me he’s merely an annoyance right now and a bit of uncomfortable reminder of the last one.
    He’s some sort of a diplomat and is probably very skilled in this sort of thing. I’d like to get to know dtr-in-laws mother better. Maybe I should arrange to have coffee with her somewhere else. Any ideas on the best way to blot out someone who will be a fixture at shared family outings? The seating arrangements are usually limited.



  138.  #138Mistea1 on July 18, 2015 at 12:41 pm

    Continued:
    Hello to Azure blu, Dominique, Victoria, Indigo, Liquid Light, Kim, Lovergirl, Sami, Labbit and Andrea and all.
    I’m keeping up with your stories and love your insights.

    So I know these guys are all whip smarter than me but I feel my advantage is that I have a bit of emotional maturity on them. MusicTd can rage at me all he wants but I won’t give him the satisfaction of showing the slightest bit of upsetness with him. How can one get mad at a toddler’s tantrums? Plus, I see his great beauty surrounded by a deserted, destroyed, bombed out landscape. By extension I can now see the same beauty and their level of destruction in everyone I meet. It is a side effect of what I learned from him.
    Diplomat can cry in his beer all evening long and I can’t get mad at him. Slight annoyance and avoidance so he doesn’t get any ‘jollies’ from my attention I guess.

    Take care all of you and may we all



  139.  #139Mistea1 on July 18, 2015 at 12:45 pm

    continued from above:

    reach our goal of bliss and happiness in the arms of a strong loving man!!



  140.  #140Allure on July 18, 2015 at 3:25 pm

    Men men men men
    I’m like 100% positive there is a vibration I can tap into that is masculine-magnetic energy.
    When I do that and focus on myself the man i’m in a relationship with is no exception.



  141.  #141Rori Raye on July 18, 2015 at 6:20 pm

    Deborah I am so sorry about this and I didn’t know this is what was going on… I will forward your letter to the publishing company… In the meantime please send this letter to support@havetherelationshipyouwant.com …they have your records and can fix this …I can do nothing from here… Love Rori



  142.  #142Millie on July 18, 2015 at 11:38 pm

    Dominique– thank you for your kind and soft words. When I wrote that post I would say that no, the voices had not softened, nor did I feel any power to quiet them. I agree they are a twisted comfort..It’s almost like the more badly I feel, the louder they become. I agree– they are working hard to protect me. It’s very strange. But I feel much better today…



  143.  #143Millie on July 19, 2015 at 12:05 am

    This weekend has so far felt wonderful. My goal is to really love and hug myself…allow myself to heal…to let the negative voices have their moment and wash away like the tide. Last night I stayed home, spoke to my cousin on the phone and then had a glass of champagne and read my favorite book. I forgot how soothing it is to read. One of my close guy friends also recommended I try a youtube recording of “letting go of past relationships”, a kind of hypnosis that penetrates your subconscious. I tried it and have found it to be soooo relaxing that I fall asleep almost instantly. I can’t even remember what the man in the recording is saying! Whether it helps me let go or not, I’m really loving how serene it makes me feel and how able I am to relax and fall into a deep sleep while listening to it. It’s mostly imagery, like hearing a story in a very calm and steady voice. Today I slept in and went to run errands. Mechanic text me and was stuck at home for the whole day waiting on a repair man. I was in the area and brought him coffee. It was the first time we hung out really during the day. We just chatted and he made some snacks. It was raining and thundering here today…and it was so lovely just sitting with him at his retro kitchen dinette, his doors all open, watching the rain pour down through the screen, he played some jazz on the stereo, shots of thunder rolled in the background. It was a wonderful afternoon. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again– I’m really happy with the friendship that I have with him now. After a few hours I left, for once I felt no desire for more. I felt no desire to go into that risky territory that could have led to drinks and other things. Things I know I don’t want with him. I felt content with our time and I left. I finished my errands and came home, made dinner in the summer storm, humidity all around, like east coast weather.

    I feel better already–I feel strong being alone. I know without a doubt that I am not a needy person. If I was– I’d be clammering at other’s peoples feet to give me what I couldn’t give myself. I’ve had moments of that in the past, but I can say with confidence that those were moments I tripped and stumbled, thats not how I live my life. And when I became needy with M, that was me tripping and stumbling…and he let go of my hand. He has every right to do so, but I know now that who I am is not defined by that. I am stronger than I think I am. I am also smarter than I think I am. I would rather be alone that with the wrong person, or someone who holds me back… so I choose this. I choose me. I don’t need to be dating anyone, I don’t need to feel masculine energy coming towards me in order to love myself or to feel worthy or strong. I am all of those things regardless. Now hopefully I can hold onto this attitude.



  144.  #144Indigo on July 19, 2015 at 12:33 am

    Mistea1,

    So nice to hear from you! “Any ideas on the best way to blot out someone who will be a fixture at shared family outings?”

    I would say the only way I have discovered is exactly what you are doing. Be polite and then turn your attention to talking to someone else. Hopefully people like this get the hint not to start babbling to perfect strangers about their problems!



  145.  #145Indigo on July 19, 2015 at 12:42 am

    Ladies,

    I’ve had such a wonderful weekend so far with BikeCD. He’s been so caring and protective and affectionate. Yet very masculine and take charge too. He’s always got a plan, and he seems to know how to fix anything. It’s very sexy.

    Obviously it’s early days still, but I really can’t believe that I didn’t really know that guys like this existed. I’m not over-invested yet, but I feel happy 🙂



  146.  #146Tereana on July 19, 2015 at 6:22 am

    Azure Blu 87 – as usual, your words are so on point! Love you and your voice and presence here…



  147.  #147Tereana on July 19, 2015 at 6:47 am

    She thanks, Millie!



  148.  #148Tereana on July 19, 2015 at 6:55 am

    My dad let me down in a small thing yesterday that he’d promised to do for me. He apologized, but all I heard was excuses, and the fact that he basically forgot about one thing that was important for me, in favor or whatever came up for him that was more important than my stuff. To be fair, he was doing me a favor. But he let me down. And it just triggers all these feelings of being forgotten, ignored, unimportant. It’s no wonder I run into these feelings all the time with men. This is my FATHER. It’s not just about this one thing. It makes me think that, all my life, while I’ve put him on a pedestal as this great guy, he’s actually been letting me down. In small ways and big, he’s been showing me that men are weak, they are cowardly, they go back on their word, and they always have an excuse when they let you down. And there is no use arguing or expressing your feelings, because if you do, then anger and rage will follow.

    I must be a masochist. Because I do still express to him how I feel. And I always get hurt by the backlash. Just like I will today, because I have to see him. And I know that his feelings will be hurt because I spoke my truth. He will take it out on me. But really he is an insecure man who is angry only because he knows he screwed up.

    And I just can’t trust men. They’ll always leave me. They’ll always let me down. Maybe I’ll just give up and be a lesbian. He did make me play softball all those years. Thing is, I hate softball with a living passion….



  149.  #149Tereana on July 19, 2015 at 6:57 am

    Indigo – everything about BikeCD sounds so great! I’m so happy for you!!! 🙂



  150.  #150Allure on July 19, 2015 at 9:13 am

    Now that I feel more solid, like I could handle input, I think it’s time to share more specifically what my story is. Currently, for now.

    My partner and I have been together for 5 years. He is an excellent partner in so many ways. He is solid and reliable, loyal, communicative, funny, silly, respectful, thoughtful, unwavering (I have pushed…I have pushed and pushed and his feet are firmly planted in my direction).
    He is mid-high masculinity. Just right for me. He can stand in my storms and blows back just as hard. Always when the storms die down he is right there to sort through any rubble. Which is very important to me. He is unquestionably in love with me.

    Recently we (mainly me) have been going a strange time. I say stange because in many ways I still fel uncertain what exactly I am growing through and what that means to the landscape of my life. What it means cocerning us.

    In a basic sense what I am feeling is romantic wanderlust. I gather that I am not unhappy, depressed, in a bad situation. I have a good partner. We have a future together if I am willing to allow it to unfold. It will unfold if that’s what I choose. The passive choice.

    Shifting sands. My whole self feels like shifting sands. It feels exciting and frightening. It feels irritating some days. I fight it and embrace it.
    I also gather that I am feeling restless, stuck, spinning my wheels. Impatient, stagnant. I feel an urgency to do more, see more, be more. I feel an urgency to meet men. To be around them, converse with them, learn about them. Never like before…I feel adverse to being tied to any one of them.
    Like my soul is thirsty for knowledge of masculinity and not at ally hungry for what we call commitment.
    I have a future without him if I choose to walk that path. To create movement in my life. The active choice…

    And yet I have made no choice. I see myself making no choice and taking no action. Making the passive choice by default. Which is fine. It is neutral and safe. There is a strong sense of no rush. A loud “voice” that says just chill and do nothing and see what fills up all that space.

    I can stop lying to myself and others saying I just want to get married and he isn’t there yet. I don’t want to get married right now. My soul is crying out for adventure.

    Something about writing this intensified some of my confusion. I feel a bit lost. I hear a bold question in my head…Do I give up something that will certainly blossom into what I want for my future as it unfolds in order to pursue the present?
    It seems like a no-brainer, but the present is fleeting and the future is so far away.
    The present is all I have but the future is all that I will have.



  151.  #151Allure on July 19, 2015 at 9:24 am

    I am in a good, solid commited relationship with a good partner. He shows me every day his love for me, his commitment to us, his appreciation for my beauty, his sexual attraction to me, his affection for me. Less regularly his passion and fire, his boldness, his agression and fight. Things I value in different ways. Strong character traits. I am certain that while I know I could find another man I would like for life eventually, I will not ever find another man like this one.
    Yet I continue to feel this wanderlust. Oh…Yearning is a good word.
    Such new feelings and yet after so many months feeling them they are getting broken in.



  152.  #152Millie on July 19, 2015 at 10:57 am

    I wrote a post last night but it’s in moderation. :/



  153.  #153Mistea1 on July 19, 2015 at 3:57 pm

    Indigo, thanks for the input.
    I guess this is my problem. These guys don’t have to say much. It is the chaos type vibes they give off. They are uncomfortable. I have to put on my grownup lady panties and shield my self and pretend they are not there. Some times I wish I was a little bit more narcissistic and not care about others feelings in situations like this. They don’t deserve my sympathy anyway!



  154.  #154Mistea1 on July 19, 2015 at 4:02 pm

    Millie,
    Yea for you. what progress you have made! I’m proud of you!!



  155.  #155Femininewoman on July 19, 2015 at 4:11 pm

    Millie I “see” you.



  156.  #156Femininewoman on July 19, 2015 at 4:16 pm

    Allure – I sense a somewhat masculine energy rush for adventure.



  157.  #157Allure on July 19, 2015 at 5:31 pm

    Femininewoman-
    Seems pretty bang on to me.



  158.  #158Allure on July 19, 2015 at 5:42 pm

    I’ve had thoughts such as “This must be similar to what my ex was feeling…” and that if I didn’t have strength of character and investment in my own values I might do something careless.

    In the pirit of silver linings I am learning things I wouldn’t ever consider trying to learn. I am gaining perspective on relationship dynamics. Perspective on myself.
    I’m probably doing the smartest thing I can do, which is nothing. …Aside from added care for myself and pursuing my own ideal approach to my life. Sitting with my turmoil and welcoming it. Feeling everything and not doing much of anying. Being me.
    It has actually drawn my partner closer. It has drawn everyone closer…



  159.  #159Tereana on July 19, 2015 at 5:47 pm

    Hm…before I read any responses (if there are any) to what I posted earlier, I just want to respond to myself. Or rather to update on how my day went. And there is a new post up, but I am going to put this one here to complete the thought I had earlier…

    I had to see my dad today, and I was dreading it. I didn’t know what was going to happen. I cried a little on the way over. And when I got there, it was fine, but eventually stuff started to come out. And we had a real fight. But honestly, now that I’m thinking about it, I have to give my dad some kudos. Even though some of what he said was off-base to me, in general, he was staying more present and fighting “like an adult.” I should give him props for that.

    But I should (and I will) also give props to ME for standing up for MYSELF, and for speaking my FEELINGS, and for INSISTING that my feelings were important, and that they carried weight, and that they were every bit as factual as anything else.

    Because as I was trying to express to my father how I felt ignored, forgotten, and unimportant, he was saying back to me that this was irrelevant. He even yelled at me, at one point, and literally told me “not” to feel unimportant. And I said, “I WILL say that’s how I feel, because it is how I feel.” And he said, “Ok, fine, be like that!” (lol, which is kind of funny in retrospect.) And I said, “Yes, I will be like that, because that is how I feel.” There were raised voices, and there was tension. And then I went an hugged my kitty for about 20 minutes.

    Before I left, we had another discussion that was quieter. And he was still trying to argue that my feelings were not facts. And I continued to insist on their importance and to describe to him exactly where my feelings were coming from, and why I felt this way. In the end, he listened to me and nodded. And I finally feel heard. And all those ugly thoughts and feelings I was having have (mostly) melted away.

    And I no longer want to be painting all men with the same limited, misogynistic brush. I no longer want to assume that they are all trying to hurt me and lie to me and take advantage of me. I don’t want the pain of my past to take away from my present and my future.

    I had posted something on facebook about how displeased with men I was feeling, and a random guy that I know from california texted me to offer support. I don’t know him that well. But it is nice when guys do stuff like that.

    Surrendering to the male impetus is still so challenging for me. That is – surrendering to THEM, not to the “masculine” will within me. I follow that one a lot. But surrendering to someone else…that’s scary.

    Still working on it.

    But today was very important. I had a crisis of faith, where I felt myself really not believing in anything at all. And now I at least feel stronger for having confronted one thing that was very scary and frightening for me, and for also staying present and “with it” while fighting with my dad. I think it was very significant, and a good step to be taking, in terms of self-respect.

    Peace, ladies



  160.  #160Indigo on July 19, 2015 at 10:31 pm

    Tereana 149,

    Thank you 🙂 What’s funny is he is this big masculine man, but this weekend he told me he was really putting himself out there and asked me not to hurt him.

    It’s lovely because I’ve never once had to ask him how he feels about commitment or marriage or the future, because he mentions it every time I see him. Makes me feel very safe.



  161.  #161Indigo on July 19, 2015 at 10:32 pm

    Oh Tereana,

    Please don’t lose your faith in men. There are lots of wonderful, kind, good men out there who would never lie to you or hurt you. I know this for a fact. Keep the faith.



  162.  #162Azure Blu on July 20, 2015 at 5:56 am

    MisTea!!!
    So good to hear your siren song~!!

    You sound very courageous and snappy! :-))



  163.  #163Mistea1 on July 20, 2015 at 9:50 am

    159, Tereana,
    Wanted to respond. My father and I had a similar situation, for a long time. I hated all the fighting and yelling and screaming on both our parts. I knew he would try to ‘get my goat’ and I would mindlessly respond. He let me down all over the place, yet he was still my father.

    I appreciated how you said you had to give your father some kudos re; the last fight. Excellent. Next time you can try staying present when he goes off like this. This time don’t engage him in argument just stay present and mostly listen. I know how you’d like him to be your image of what you think a father should be, but he isn’t. Never will be perhaps. As we grow up we can become our own mother and father and use our own resources (like the community here) to support ourselves.

    The last time he tried this I was in my early 30s with a 10 year old son by my side. The three of us were crossing a city street. He tried to get me started in a fight with him. I remember getting very quiet, standing up straight and finishing guiding my son to the curb. I remember as clear as if it were yesterday that I calmly looked at him and continued walking. That was it. He never tried that again. For my part I never tried to lean on him as a little girl again. We had civil talk after that and I accepted that he would never be able to act as ‘my daddy’ depicted in the picture I still have of him and me together and his protective arm around me.

    Hope this is helpful, good luck.



  164.  #164Azure Blu on July 20, 2015 at 10:31 am

    MisTea #163
    lovely Siren… I so love this story!!!
    the power of Silence!!!
    and of growing up our little girl by realizing
    ALL fathers are ONLY human
    and they each have different capacities
    to “love” their children…
    When we stop the engagement of our triggers
    the “Dance” stops!



  165.  #165Mistea1 on July 20, 2015 at 11:39 am

    Azure Blu
    Thank you. You supplied the perfect ending to my story!



  166.  #166SurfDiva on July 21, 2015 at 1:55 am

    Hi Sami Wunder.

    Thank you for your reply!

    Thank you for your thoughts. I agree completely. I do not want to be a rescuer or advise giver or mother. I learned that from Rori when she says whenever you make suggestions or give advise you are stepping into the masculine role.

    (I couple of times I made the mistake of advise giving and it felt awful to both of us!)

    After I wrote my first note here, I was able to lean back and give him and myself space. I used the time to find my own balance. It was hard at first. I wanted to reach out but then I remembered what Rori has to say about that. Then my leaning back started to feel good! I was able to refocus on what I wanted and what my boundaries are.

    After a few days he came around. He was affectionate and sexual and it felt wonderful. He said he was impressed that I was able to give him the space he needed. That he didn’t think I’d be able to do it and that I’d take it personally.

    I asked him what he thought of continuing to dial back the amount of time we are spending together for now and to spend more “quality” time together. I said that feels better to me right now and he agreed.

    I think this will give him more time to think about what he wants and make energetic moves forward in our relationship.

    I’m grateful for Rori’s programs that have helped me to see energetically what is going on between us.

    Thanks Rori and Sami for your support!



  167.  #167Azure Blu on July 21, 2015 at 8:57 am

    SurfDiva…
    Wow… this all sounds sooo very Sireny!!

    A great reminder that leaning back is for US!!!
    what a good idea to ask him if he thought spending quality time and giving YOU Both the space to explore each other and YOURSELVES!!



  168.  #168Victoria on July 21, 2015 at 9:01 am

    Azure,
    I wanted to congratulate you on being a true rock-star with Spirit and the other wonderful gentlemen!
    Your story is like a balm to my soul (can you say that in English?).
    I am so happy for you!



  169.  #169Lovergirl on July 22, 2015 at 11:44 am

    Well, it’s been 6 days since I last heard from S and this morning he texts again, asking if I would like to go to a party with him. He followed it up with “I miss hanging out with you- and not just for the sex”.

    I had no clue how to respond to this. I’m definitely not in a place right now with him where I feel I could handle swinging! I need some kind of reassurance that he is MINE before I do anything like that.

    I finally texted back “Hi S- I had fun at the other parties I went to with you. Im not sure how I feel about it right now though. I feel kind of disconnected from you and don’t want something that might cause more hurt feelings to happen”.

    I didn’t know how or whether I should acknowledge that he said he misses me, but I finally responded with “Thanks for letting me know you miss me. It makes me feel a little better.”

    He said “I meant it ;)” Then he was like “would you like me to stop contacting you?”

    Ack! I don’t really want him to stop contacting me. I want him to give me more of a commitment. I decided this was crumbs again so I said this:

    I love hearing from you. I love spending time with you. Im just afraid its going to cause me a lot more pain.

    He responded back with:

    Ok I understand- its hard I know, I dont want to hurt you either

    I left it at that but I’m going to guess I will hear from him again sometime.