Should You Ignore Him Or Let Him In?

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Have you ever felt like a guy was hanging around you, but he just never asks for a regulation date?

And you don’t know how to behave?

Here’s a situation from Helene I think is pretty universal – especially if you live in a small town where everyone hangs out together and seems to know everyone else:

“Hi Rori: My name is Helene, and I am single again after 12 years….I was driving around one day – feeling sorry for myself and decided to stop by where my girlfriend works ( a bar )…I got introduced to the guy standing beside me…and wow we talked and talked  but most of all we both laughed – time flew by poof it was midnight …saw him the next day – same place – and once again laughed and laughed – he’s fun…I play in a pool league…he needed another player for his league so I gave him my number…

Following night he showed up again where I play…we talked and laughed again…( I sucked at pool tho – too nervous…lol) He asked where I play the next week but declined on coming to watch cuz it’s way across town…anyway I am just about to start playing – I look up and there he is…wow…he came to watch again…next day I am meeting my friend and he’s there again too…!

Then in walks my EX…we had quiet words – the ex and I – and then he left….New guy says – “Life is weird eh Helene?” I just say-“Yes it sure is…” my friend arrives and then we leave…

I don’t want to come off as a needy girl as that is so not me. ( I am independent – own my own home for 21 years and  raised my daughter on my own) He has my # and asked about 4 times – “So this is your # for pool?”

Why did i say “Yes” and not something like “Use it to call for a date” or something??? He seems interested – my friend says I send him just as many mixed signals as he does me….Tonight is pool league and we are partners…any suggestions – don’t want games….and mostly don’t want a guy that hangs out in a bar…What can I do ? Ignore him?? HELP – Sincerely, Helene”

Here’s my answer, and I’ll make it for everyone:

There’s “independent,” and then there’s “closed-off.”

There’s “mixed signals” and then there’s “I’m not interested.”

There’s “needy” and then there’s “flirty.”

It’s not all about the words you say – in fact it’s hardly EVER about words.  It’s about a vibe.  And the vibe has to be: “I’m open to you.”

Okay – so much for Helene’s part in this.

Now – what about the guy?  Does she know a single thing about him except that he’s fun and can’t seem to get the words together to ask for a date? Does she know that he’s a guy who “hangs out in a bar?”  Is he shy and clueless, or is he difficult, non-sexual, married and/or Toxic?

He keeps showing up, so it’s a no-brainer that he’s interested in her.

So – the question is not “Do I ignore him?” but “Am I willing to find out who he is and how I feel being around him?”  So far, Helene doesn’t have any feelings to go on, except “fun” (which sure isn’t bad).  So, what can she do?

How about ASK?  Like this:

“You know, I feel really awkward about this, and I’ve noticed you showing up when I’m here, are you married?  Is there something I should know about you that would keep me from accepting a date with you?”

This is not meant to be cute, or clever or flirty.  It’s meant to be straightforward, open, honest, true, sweet, vulnerable and very brave.

And when you do this, you become – Yes – devastatingly attractive, which is back to Helene’s original issue – does she really WANT to be devastatingly attractive to this man.

And my answer is – YES, you ALWAYS want to be devastatingly attractive.  Much better to break a million hearts of a million men then suffer through breaking your own heart because you’re afraid to be attractive.

I know – who might I attract? is kind of scary.  Especially if you tend to attract men who mean you know good.

The best way to meet and love and be loved by a great man is to have tons of choices, to feel great, and love yourself.

And the way you do it is stay OPEN.

Love, Rori

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  1.  #1Caj13 on December 20, 2008 at 4:04 am

    Great information! How to be straightforward in showing vulnerability – very practical demonstration. (Instead of displaying its EFFECTS by appearing nervous, beating around the bush (indirect questions, hints) and getting upset about imagined interpretations, which just leads the man into imaginary interpretations but real screw-ups).

    Now, just look at that guy in the picture behind his pool cue (or is it queue?). Dont you wish more men would put that kind of concentration and love of mastering technical stuff into the sex part of making love? Duh!

  2.  #2alias girl on December 20, 2008 at 12:37 pm

    i liked the part in this post where rori reminds us that helene does not really know that much about him other than they shared some laughs. i know for me since it feels rare when i can just really be myself AND feel connected and accepted that when it happens i tend to feel understood which creates a sort of quasi pseudo feeling of believing i understand the man as well. and that is first step into Imaginary relationship and first step out of being Genuinely Curious about the real man in front of me.

    i am really loving this journey.

    oh caj 13. i know you were just teasing but some men really do have that level of commitment to pleasing a women sexually. of course they have their born with obstacle of being Driven by their own orgasm but there is also competeing desire to WIN for the women as well. like sports. and yes bc it makes them The Man. but still is in the natural design of men. i think it is similar to using rori’s tools in the bedroom as well and telling them how we Feel. that feels good. etc.

  3.  #3alias girl on December 20, 2008 at 3:49 pm

    i don’t feel like leaving my cage. today.but i feel guilty i am wasting my life. i really feel stuck sometimes and like there are too many options and i get scattered and so don’t end up doing anything.

    i want to be wealthy financially as well as wealthy and rich as a human being.

    even if i was still stuck in my cage as a rich person at least it would be beautifully decorated. 🙂

  4.  #4Tina on December 20, 2008 at 6:19 pm

    Hi Rori,
    First of all, I am sorry about the change of name here. I’d prefer this name to my previous one.

    I was listening to the “Commitment Blueprint” audio CD’s. I was at step 3 (Invitation) and listened to the “feeling messages” demonstration.

    You mentioned how we need to start off by picking an object and take it from there.

    I took a bottle of mine….and started writing about how I feel about it. One thing led to another and into several different unrelated topics. I wrote about two pages when I realised I had to pee. Thats where I stopped. This tool feels so good. I am going to do this often and make it a part of me.

    Thanks Rori.

  5.  #5Reshi on December 20, 2008 at 7:31 pm

    I’m raging today. Not raging outwardly, really, but for the past couple days everything’s been triggering anger about my marriage. I get so annoyed because even when I want to feel the full force of the anger, I can’t; my body automatically shoves it back down as quickly as it comes up.

    I want to feel the full force of my rage. And that would feel like my head on fire, my body ready to spring into action to DESTROY everything that’s holding me back in life. This isn’t about my f***ing husband. I keep wanting to punch him in the head, kick him in the balls, and for what? He didn’t force me to stay with him while he was treating me badly. I decided to stay with him knowing that I was going to be treated badly. Knowing that I was going to be constantly triggered by this little slut of a female friend that he’s been talking to for over a year and a half. And I’m angry at me for sitting there and taking it. I’m angry at me for thinking I had nowhere to go, for failing to pick myself up and leave him a year and a half ago, or a year ago, or half a year ago. I’m angry at me for leaving my power on the table, and for being a cowardly little doormat. Just…f***ing…angry.

    Yet I’m quick to forgive me. I did the best I can with what little heart and spirit and strength I had left. And my heart and spirit and strength blossomed a hundredfold the minute I walked out the door for the last time. I feel powerful and creative, and I feel like I can finally make things happen for myself. But I still feel scared…there’s still something up there in my head that wants to tell me that I don’t have permission to make things happen for myself. Guilt over my finances, guilt over past sins.

    And more anger. Rage over the wasted years of my life. Yet how can I consider the years wasted when they brought me here and I’m still alive? I want to feel gratitude for my life and for all the blessings I have in it. I want to feel gratitude for my family for welcoming me back with open arms, and for my friends for supporting me wholeheartedly. I want to feel gratitude for Rori and the lovely ladies of this blog for being on this journey with me. I want to feel gratitude for the lovely men who are showing up and e-mailing me. I want to feel gratitude for my job because the tiny paycheck it gives me is better than nothing. And I want to feel gratitude for me because I’m loving and supporting myself through some huge changes. That would feel like being relaxed and happy, with a full, overflowing heart. F*ck, that feels good. And I still feel afraid and I love the part of me that feels afraid to be grateful and I wonder why it feels that way. And it says “You don’t deserve gifts.” I know who that is, it’s the 10-year-old me, who decided that she was going to be an atheist, who decided that she was actually a space alien from another planet where everyone is insane, who believed that the solution to her problems was to kill the people causing them. This girl has a black hole, a constant swirling vortex of powerful negative energy spinning around in her head. I’ll give this girl a warm hug despite her bad teeth, bad skin, ugly glasses, and early-blooming figure. And she doesn’t want to be loved, she wants to push everyone away and be alone. And I say here’s a better idea. Look, you want to push everyone away because everyone is mean and attacks you, right? And you want to push away the people who love you because their love makes the assholes of the world want to attack you even more…I know that’s right. Your parents gave you the world as well as an amazing intellect, and I’m sure the kids at school were jealous. And your parents didn’t protect you from the bullies but I can, and I will. I will stand up for you every time. I’m not afraid of bullies and assholes, I can stand firm against them. (But part of me *is* afraid to stand firm against them. Even the big Reshi is afraid to be knocked down and pushed out. Yet no one can push me out of my own center. I want to feel strong within my center and that would feel like an upright spine, the upright spine that I now automatically assume when customers at work take an attitude with me–and it feels so f***ing good to stand tall in the face of that! In truth I attracted circumstances to *myself* to push me out of the online video game and the marriage that weren’t serving me, and I know it…so I don’t need to beat myself up over it!)

  6.  #6Caj13 on December 21, 2008 at 3:32 am

    Bravo again Reshi ! From rage to fear throught to gratitude and hope: BEAUTIFUL! Even coming from completely different personalities and childhood “solutions”, there’s just so much we all relate to in what you write. Going through our process on here doesn’t mean we’ll get to happily-ever-after stasis/stagnation and never have problems again. But rather that we’ll know and be what it takes to handle them.

  7.  #7alias girl on December 22, 2008 at 12:51 am

    i want money.
    i want positive attention.
    i want a rocking body.
    i want a fabulous house decorated just the way i like it.
    i want fun boyfriends that i love and that want to spend time with me and romance me and love me back.
    i want fun friends.
    i want fun excursions with fun friends and boyfriend (s).
    i want unlimited money.
    i want all these things to come in a safe and harmonious way for the highest good of all concerned.
    i want perfect health inside and outside my rocking body.

    that all sounds very verrrrry fun to me. hah. i love it. that feels like hahah like mexican jumping beans in my body. haha. that feels like smiles and laughter. and giggles and rolling over on my back and flailing all my limbs about. hahah. that feels like a superfun time. that feels like a rocket i could climb on and shoot up into the atmosphere. i feel my toes all perked up. and like my cells are in anticipation of a party. that feels like dancing and hopping around. my vagina feels hahahah i’m not telling. that feels like the urge to give a high five. that feels like an unending superfun party.

    that’s what i want. 🙂

  8.  #8MARY on December 22, 2008 at 2:21 pm


    Although I am new to this blog, I have been receiving your emails for quite some time now and have purchased your book, “Have the Relationship You Want” and your program with the Heart Connection Toolkit as well. I just wanted to thank you for all of your invaluable advice, concern, and the sincerity which is the hallmark of your programs. I truly believe that you care deeply about all of your clients and wish for each of us to have the relationship and love that we all deserve.
    Thank you for each and every effort you have made on our behalf and all that you will make on our behalf in the future. You truly inspire everyone who is fortunate enough to come across your programs. Thank you for taking the time to write your emails, this column and all of the truly wonderful advice that you share with us. I wish you only the very best in all things. Your work has made a positive and wonderful difference in my life.
    Most Sincerely,

  9.  #9Daria on December 22, 2008 at 3:04 pm

    Hi Hi Alias Girl you are so cute I can just imagine you rolling on your back and flaililing your arms about! YAY!! I Am joining Alias Girl!

  10.  #10alias girl on December 22, 2008 at 5:48 pm

    YES! Yesyesyesyesyes! let’s do it together!

    i am rich and fabulous and well manicured with a beautiful home and super fun activities and life is easy and breezy.

    believe it or not this is not everyone’s wish. easy and breezy. some people don’t want that. can you believe it? i TOTALLY do.

    i feel excited. i feel hopeful. i feel fun. i feel like i could run a mile no sweat. i feel a deep cleansing breath. i feel a happy uplifted face. i feel positive energy surrounding me. i feel magical. i feel like i could totally do magical things. i feel free. i feel like dancing in my shoes up the stairs down the halls on top of my desk. i feel like my head is light on my body. i feel strength in my muscles. i feel like dancing feet.

    i feel like i could pull a guy in just by glancing in his direction. 🙂

    boyfriends and romance and high class living! gondolas and motorscooters and boquets of flowers. aaaaaaahhhhhhhh

  11.  #11Caj13 on December 22, 2008 at 6:26 pm

    Pretty awesome Xmas and new year you have coming up AG! Sound good to you, too, Daria, and anyone else ? I can just see you guys’ arms going from flailing to sailing smoothly along, easy breezy in the prow with some super cute, manly man rowin’ like hell (one for each Siren, of course), and wafting you with a big feathery palm frond to boot!

  12.  #12alias girl on December 22, 2008 at 7:30 pm

    YES! YES! Easy breezey while the man rows and sweats. (because he LIKES TO ROW AND SWEAT. That’s what mean do. that’s what they like to do. that’s WHAT THEY ARE BUILT FOR. ) and i just feel the easy breezy wafting feathery ove breeze caressing my rocking body. I smile lazily at him. And then we stop the boat and head somewhere onshore to have fun (or stay where we are and rock the boat!)

    aaaahhhhhhh yes. a good year indeed.

  13.  #13Caj13 on December 23, 2008 at 3:20 am

    And let’s not forget the hunks swimming alongside who’re fighting to get into the boat, gondola or jetski !

  14.  #14Cassandra on December 23, 2008 at 12:57 pm

    AG and Daria….I am SOOOO right there with you! For me…I am hoping that Charles will FIGURE IT OUT before it is too late! You guys are so doggone cool!!! Love you all!

  15.  #15Rori Raye on December 23, 2008 at 3:17 pm

    Mary, Welcome and thank you for your beautiful letter. I hope you’ll visit here often and let us know your feelings and how you’re doing. Love, Rori

  16.  #16MARY on December 23, 2008 at 5:11 pm


    Thank you for your very kind response. I will definitely visit this site often and will share my thoughts and comments too. Thank you so much for the opportunity to do so. Keep up the wonderful, inspiring work you are doing, as you touch our lives in more ways than you can imagine.
    Merry Christmas to you and yours and a truly Happy New Year too!

    Most Sincerely,