Should You Interview A Man To Find Out What Happened?

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Hi – here’s a great debate starter: If the same unhappy things keep happening over and over again for you with men – should you go to to the source and ask the men what happened?

Here’s the question from “ABC”::

Hi Rori,

I have a question regarding how to react to a man pulling away without any warning, and what to say to him if I want to find out the reason why he does that – that will help me understand who I am more.

This is a big issue for me—i don’t know if this is also happening to other women.  Men I date chase me aggressively yet pull away after 6, 7 dates without any warning signs. I start to wonder if it’s something that I do, I say, or certain vibe I give out? i start to wonder if i am the one standing in my own way to Happily Ever After.

i would really appreciate it if you can share your experiences with us about this. Thank you, ABC”

Here’s my answer:

This is a terrific question, and I can go three ways:

Way 1. Just go with – ” He’s not the right man, forget him, I’m Circular Dating, I’m pursued by hundreds of men and don’t care about any one of them in particular.”

Logic says that you are choosing men and getting attached to them before a strong connection is made.  Logic says that you’re an attractive woman a man wants to date, but that as it starts to loom more “serious” – and sex becomes an issue of a “serious” relationship – he opts out.  it’s not that he’s no longer interested in “dating” you – he just doesn’t want to take the relationship further.

This kind of thing can simply be solved with Circular Dating and allowing this to happen as part of the process. The good man who is right for you will simply “stick,” while everyone else comes in and goes out.

Logic says also that you may be focusing on this one man after 6 or 7 dates, and all of a sudden start Leaning Forward and Overfunctioning, and yes, your vibe changes.

All of a sudden a man will start “resisting” you instead of “falling into you.”

Now, for Way #2 – here’s a totally new, radical idea that’s only for those who can be completely detached and in total “friend” mode for REAL with a man – otherwise try it ONLY with a new man you are not attracted to except as a friend:

Way 2. This ONLY applies if it’s a pattern showing up.  Doing this with one particular man where something unexpected happened can only help you when you’re no longer emotionally attached to him – so be very vigilant and stick with number 1 for  now if you’re hurting at all, or have any feelings for a man whatsoever.

But if you, like ABC, like the Ginnifer Goodwin character in He’s Just Not That Into You, are finding this a pattern happening over and over again exactly the same way…you might try this:

Call one of these guys up, tell him you need some help, you’re doing a survey of your life and of men for a blog you post on (truth, remember) –  and you’d like to interview him. Ask if he’d like to set a time to do it by phone or if he’s free now.

Then ask him questions you prepared in advance (tell him you’ll use a fake name for him).

Your questions: All my girlfriends are having this problem, and on the blog I read about it all the time – a man dates a girl 6 or 7 times, and then just drops out.  I know this happened with us, and I’d really appreciate if you’d be absolutely truthful with me about what happened (channeling the Ginnifer Goodwin character here – you can even tell him about that movie and that it’s an experiment doing what that character did) – is it chemistry, is it the forever thing, was it intellectual, or some kind of fit that’s important to a man…is it some way we women act at a certain point, did I fall into that trap…how long did it take for you to decide you wouldn’t call again…did you know right off but keep dating me to see if you could change your mind… how does a man’s mind work with this?

Treat him as you would if you were a big time reporter and he was the interviewee.

Write it all down – everything he says, right there – and then post it here!!!  You can even invite him to drop in and comment if he’s that kind of guy.

Make sure you pick a man you no longer have any energy for – someone you could call a friend, sort of.

Sound like an interesting idea?

Okay – now let’s get real about this...I’ve tried it myself – but it only felt good and helpful with NEW men, because I never was able to completely detach from an old man enough to get real answers from him, and most men don’t know, or won’t say, anyway – if they’ve ever been involved with you.

Most of the time, the answers will be things you’ve already heard from him – about “space” and “I’m not ready for a serious relationship and I could feel that’s what you wanted” – and those answers just speak to the Truth that he simply was not right for you, and it’s GOOD that it didn’t go past date 7 and waste your time…

…but for ABC – this feels like a mystery to her.  If you do this, ABC – be sure and let us know how it went for you and if you were able to learn anything meaningful.

And here’s Way #3:

1. Go back and write down some of the way those last few dates went.  Your discussions, your energy.  Feel how you felt and remember and write down what you said.

2.  See if you can find a pattern there.

See if you can feel yourself focusing on him and hoping the relationship would work out and treating him differently than you’d treat any other man you were out with for the evening.

See if you were not simply putting out your wants and don’t wants – “I’m not looking for a casual relationship, or a boyfriend – I’m looking for marriage and family and it feels better to keep my options open and date until that shows up…” – but were trying to find out if HE was the one.

3. Imagine pulling back from this man and this situation.  Imagine really Circular Dating and not focusing on him, and not caring if he ever calls again until he actually makes a claim on you…

Imagine how that feels.

Now – is that what you were feeling with him?

If not – that’s what happened, that’s where the work is for you. So – you don’t have to interview him, you can interview YOURSELF!

Let me know how this works for you…

Love, Rori

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  1.  #1alias girl on March 14, 2009 at 12:20 pm

    first linmayu!

    i like way 1 the best. i have talked to and emailed so many men in the past few months. my army of MAN. some of them stick longer than others. alot of them seem to just want sex. which is fine only they’re not getting it from me. mostly though i want a man who is romantic towards me and blah blah you all know my list of how i want to feel and what i desire to feel.

    speaking of feelings i had this really great experience. this one guy had stuck around for awhile. he seemed more comfortable emailing which i don’t find that interesting but i had nothing to lose so i went with it as an experiment. when it finally came time to meet he started acting like this huge girlyman vague guy. oh i’l call you if i can’t make it. and tons of others signs in conjunction. finally (finally) i realized I FELT BAD. REALLY REALLY BAD. so i told him forget it i don’t want to meet. i don’t want someone who can’t put in the slightest effort towards me. i don’t want someone who is not romantic towards me. i was angry and over it at this point so i probably could have chosen better words than that. but i didn’t care.

    he told me i shouldn’t expect too much from men in the beginning and then maybe i would have better luck. i told him i didn’t appreciate his unsolicited analysis of what he considered to be a problem with me.

    puhlease. in the best i expected and accepted crumbs. and now i don’t and i have more men interested in me than i ever have. even this guy continued to email and say we could be email buddies. i told him i didn’t want an email buddie.

    eventually he got mad and said something mean. i emailed back and told him to stop hating. AND THEN HE STILL EMAILED ME BACK. i just deleted it.

    men love boundaries. men love a woman they have to step up for. this is my experience so far. i feel excited to get to the men i feel interested in.

  2.  #2alias girl on March 14, 2009 at 12:32 pm

    i love to draw boundaries now. i love to feel high quality and difficult to get. high level of diffiuclty that’s the phrase.

    that is what i am practicing right now and bringin towards me. because it FEELS SO GOOD.

    hahaha. i feel a little smug. and also a tinge of sadness because i just want to be with kind fun romantic strong men.

    but i’m not done yet. i’m not done finding out what i am made of as i bump up against my army of MAN. I feel good.

    i feel almost done though. it’s not that satisfying. it feels like going to the gym a lot of days a week.

  3.  #3Maria on March 14, 2009 at 12:33 pm

    Wow!! AG, l feel like we arr a team and you scored the first round! we are the winnders! thank you for sharing this. l did learn a lot from you – mostly to be brave enough to shout it out whats on yout mind!

  4.  #4Daria on March 14, 2009 at 12:42 pm

    I am still feeling insecure about how to “deal” with dating men I don’t find sexually attractive. It feels fun to date and receive attention but they will ask stuff like are you interested in me? What do I say?

    Yes I am interested in you but not sexually.

    I still feel MEGA uncomfortable saying that. (I imagine I would feel crushed to be on the receiving end of that comment).

  5.  #5Daria on March 14, 2009 at 12:43 pm

    I am open to dating and seeing if I become attracted to you, or if not I am interested in being friends.

  6.  #6Daria on March 14, 2009 at 12:46 pm

    You are ugly.

    I am very into how a man looks and I feel guilty about that and I don’t feel attracted to your looks.

    When you try to sound sweet you sound submissive and I feel turned off.

    I feel attracted men who defy society norms yet still have strong core values like fairness and love.

  7.  #7Daria on March 14, 2009 at 1:29 pm

    I like “gangster” style guys. (That feels awfully embarassing, because I feel I will be judged – because people have judged me in the past – to the point of saying how can you be so smart and sound so dumb… or the way you talk sounds uneducated… So waht… uneducated in what… by whom… or you are immature… or you are a freak, a deviant… or you are trying to be something you are not … how can I do that? and even assuming that that is possible I am really being who I am always…). It is much easier for me to feel attracted to this style of guy, although I am not by far attracted by every guy of this style.

    Anyway liking a “gangster” type in particular shouldn’t be more embarassing than liking a “goth” type guy or a “preppy” type or a “nerdy” type.

    Types don’t matter. It’s the energy coming toward me and how I feel matters.

    I have been dating mostly OUT of my type for the past year, due to Rori’s suggestion to date any man even who is not your type.

    I feel SO embarassed posting this but I will post it anyway. I LOVE myself and embrace my embarassment and shame, and what I like, and who I am and all of me.

  8.  #8Micki on March 14, 2009 at 6:54 pm

    Are there any articles that deal with how “circular dating” works within the context of marriage?

  9.  #9ABC on March 14, 2009 at 7:37 pm

    hi Rori,

    I really appreciate your comment on this. it does help clearing some clouds.

    not everything you say resonates with my situation–i’m talking about in a situation where I’m not even “over-functioning” meaning i’m totally leaned back, and he still pulled away.

    Im going to commit to find this out. it’s been bothering me. Maybe it’s a message for me that i need to know in order to grow. I’m going to test it out and solve the mystery and share with you guys who still are confused about this.

    wait for my good news everyone:)

  10.  #10ann on March 14, 2009 at 9:28 pm

    ag you are my hero. attempting again to say from my phone i look forward to reading the results of the “interviews”.

  11.  #11Linmayu on March 14, 2009 at 9:58 pm

    OK, so being attractive, attentive, and just generally awesome…still won’t get you laid, gentlemen. Not by me. Just so you know.

    I want more and I’ll hold out for someone who’s offering it. I don’t want this arrangement you have planned of being together and loving each other without a piece of paper. The piece of paper matters. Even having been burned in marriage, it matters.

    I guess I’ve learned something about how I want to be sexually–which is that I don’t. I can’t. I can’t give myself to someone just for fun, no strings. I kind of wanted to, even put up a profile on an adult site. It lasted four days.

    I guess the feeling message way to express it is “I feel really happy when I am with you and I feel turned on, and I don’t feel safe giving myself to a man without a commitment.”

    I don’t know, is there something wrong with me for not wanting a lover? Do I need to come into the 21st century? Fuck the 21st century. I want to live in the 1st.

  12.  #12alias girl on March 15, 2009 at 12:40 am

    well daria i’ve got a tough guy in my rotation. real life gansta. went to prison. etc etc etc. and etc.

    yup. that’s who can handle me. that’s what it feels like. all those other wussyass blahditty blah blah blah. i’l meet you no maybe oh i don’y know toxic gross blech.

    anyway. he’s just part of my army of MAN. just part of the blur. only he stands out more so far. but he seems like kind of a narcissist. go figure. what a suprise. considering i have my own struggles with narcissism.

    i don’t know. honestly. who knows who i’ll end up with. but i am tired of looking for Him. you know. like christmas shopping and finally you pick something and you say f’it. i hope this person likes this gift because i just can’t keep looking anymore.

    so i hope the right guy comes along before i just say f’it. or maybe being in this place is good. like when a man gets ready to marry he picks the best woman at that time. even though he may have dated a better match earlier. or if he waited he could find a better match. but maybe being ready to settle down is partly what makes something so absurd as a long term relationship work?

    i don’t know but i could end up with a thug. i dated one before. i feel bad. i do all rori’s tools and then i go andi pick a thug. heehee.

    if one of my exes came back would i try with him? maybe. i feel tired of looking. i feel ready to settle down. maybe. 🙂

  13.  #13Tracy on March 15, 2009 at 12:48 am

    I feel the same way.i feel anxious and scared when guyz come on to me sexually…i actually tried the “no strings attached” and it really backfired at my face and looking back i felt scared and helpless the whole time…i felt like i was leaning way too foward.
    in the past i was so used to chasing men around..the more difficult the guy was the more attracted i was to him.I felt i needed to try felt so tiring.
    I have been circular dating for 3 months now and all i can say is i’ve never felt so much attention in my whole life…
    There is this one guy who is really serious and very nice..being with him makes me feel comfortable and at peace.we are from different cultures and getting used to his way of doing things is a bit challenging…he’s very affectionate…very in touch with his feelings…i have never met a guy who has showed me so much attention and honestly sometimes i feel uncomfortable..
    I am stil giving it time..getting to know him better…but circular dating at the same time since i feel that i need more time to discover me…what i really need…if he’s the one or not…i feel if i am more patient then maybe i can get the answers to my questions.
    I feel that i am edging closer to finding and discovering my safe place…i feel much better now and though i have my bad days…i am able to sail through them and feel more hopeful…there is still so much more to learn but i feel that i am on the right track.
    i feel like i am discovering a new way of loving..a new way of receiving and accepting feels great..
    Linmayu..i also believe in the whole concept of marriage and having a sexual relationship in a more commited environment..i feel its more safer that way..i also feel that it also matters who the guy is…do i feel safe with him..i feel that when i do meet the right guy he’l feel safe to me…he’l feel comfortable..
    i feel that in the past i’ve chased after the wrong thing..the sudden rush of passion..or a form of crush you have or initial attraction and for most guyz i was with…they never wanted anything more than that..yet i pursued it farther and farther…for me love felt like anxiety..i felt confused most of the time and uncomfortable…
    I feel more safer now with or without guy…with or without a date..i am comfortable with myself..its still a work in progress but it feels better…
    I feel abit confused about this new guy though…his attention and affection…i am very attracted to the way he treats me…with so much care and affection..constantly gives me attention..he feels right,he feels comfortable..
    i admit i am not completely attracted to him…just the way he treats me..its different it feels real but different..
    He’s really serious about us.wants to settle down soon…i feel its what i’ve always wanted but now that someone is asking me about it…it feels feels unsure and i feel tensed and cornered when he brings up the subject…
    wow…it feels great to let all that out…

  14.  #14Tracy on March 15, 2009 at 1:00 am

    I feel tired sometimes as well…circular dating,putting yourself out there can feel exhausting sometimes…
    i feel confused as well sometimes experimenting new stuff..not knowing if it will work…however i feel much happier now…i feel more at peace with more anxiety about my Xes and what they are upto….i am focusing on now and the future…how to live my best now…it feels scary,trying new things….always wondering what tomorrow will bring…i however feel more confident about the future.
    I am also anxious about meeting he right guy…having a happy family…i feel my heart is in a more better place now than before and i am likely to attract a better guy now…i wasnt ready before..i feel that in the past i was more interested in being seen with a man..i am slowly learning to be comfortable with myself and letting guyz in instead…i feel that with time i will settle down with a good man…maybe even then new guy who seems to be sticking around so far…
    Funny thing is i feel that the more i get to meet this new guyz circular date the more i learn more about myself…they triggered different aspects of my life…and aspects of my life i need to work on…so much to learn.

  15.  #15Maria on March 15, 2009 at 1:26 am

    Paste from Daria´s comment: “You are ugly.

    I am very into how a man looks and I feel guilty about that and I don’t feel attracted to your looks.

    When you try to sound sweet you sound submissive and I feel turned off.”
    Well l was just thinking, thats the way probably guys think of some women they are not attracted to, and that makes me creeps…..

  16.  #16alias girl on March 15, 2009 at 1:46 am

    i feel interested in what you just said maria. i know in the past i have tried to act in a sweet way. in a way that is not natural to me. i mean i feel i have a sweetness about me but it doesn’t look or sound like maryann from gilligan’s island. or hmmm contemporary example would be ginnifer goodwin from he’s just not that into you. my voice would go unnatural sounding and it just felt fake to me.

    that couldn’t possibly have been attractive. i know i didn’t feel attractive when i was in that mode. maybe that’s what i sense from fake nice guys. like maybe they really are nice guys but haven’t found their authenticity yet.

    i feel comfortable around people who are authentic. being kind or sweet doesn’t have to be the way it looks like in gender cliched movie characters.

  17.  #17alias girl on March 15, 2009 at 1:54 am

    i don’t feel an urge to get married. i would feel comfortable with sex outside of a committed relationship. maybe. i feel open. i feel interested in following my feelings and so far my feelings have not wanted to have sex with a man who is using me for sex. gross. but i have been tricked in the past by a man who pretends to like me just to get sex.

    hahah. but then he ended up liking me. hahaha.

    serves him right for trying to play me.

    but i have been played in the past because i soooooooo wanted to believe what they were saying was true. or how they were acting meant more than it did.

    is ok. made me the goddess i am today.

    but i feel ready to settle down. finally. phew. it took me a long time to get to this place.

  18.  #18Tracy on March 15, 2009 at 2:22 am

    Been there too…so many times…i also feel ready to settle down…i feel that i am slowly getting to a better place…it feels scary, Yes but i feel ready…i feel more comfortable..
    I feel scared about having to say Yes to one man though..i feel uncertain if i will make the right decision…i feel hopeful that i can get through it…i feel content with my state of mind right now.

  19.  #19Tracy on March 15, 2009 at 2:24 am

    You can try the posts on Marriage…there should be something on it there…i remember someone asking a similar question…


  20.  #20Micki on March 15, 2009 at 7:09 am

    Thanks Tracy! I’ll try that.

  21.  #21Linmayu on March 15, 2009 at 8:50 am

    I’m withdrawing from dating. I’ve done enough to feel good about my ability to attract men, and I feel sad that I may have led someone on and broken his heart. Well, better after 3.5 dates than 6 months.

    I have so much to do just to get MY life going where I want it, I can’t afford to focus on men. Three times this week–from my mom and two psychics I talked to–I heard that I just need to let go and trust Divinity that the right man will come at the right time. I’ve heard similar from myself when I go into meditation. I know this inward focus right now is right for me.

    When I do date again, it’ll be only with spiritually minded people who are interested in me, and interested in marriage down the road. Anything else feels like pulling myself off my bridge–even though I know Rori says to circular date with whoever shows up for practice. I don’t have time to give to people who want sex outside a committed relationship. Someone else will want that, let him find her. (I’ll send the good-quality ones to AG. :D)

    Micki, I’ve read your story with interest, it feels unusual, you have a man chasing you that you don’t want, and you’re married to him. I don’t know if circular dating is the right tool in that situation–it might be–but I’d recommend starting with Rori’s ebook if you don’t have it already. It will help you figure out whether you really want to try and improve things, and will help you figure out how to express your real feelings to him.

  22.  #22Maria on March 15, 2009 at 8:59 am

    l wonder, is the circular Dating the ONLY answer…..?

  23.  #23Daria on March 15, 2009 at 12:09 pm

    Alias girl why are you so effin cool? It’s like you say something so casually about something I feel ashamed of and all of sudden make it ok. Thank you.

    Last nite I had a date with a man who triggered me in an amusing way. He thought I should contribute paying for the date. I feel very proud of myself. He was asking me to help pay for something in the store and I said: I am not paying for anything. I looked angry. He was I believe shocked. He said, well I understand saying you don’t Have any money, but to just flat out declare you are not paying for anything?
    I didn’t answer. I left the store, went outside and did the Shimmer Breath tool and the Follow feelings in body tool. He came outside and first complained about my attitude and how I look mad and should be having fun (I actually did not feel that upset at this point, I think he was projecting). I totally leaned back, said I feel mad When I did, the giggled, said I feel smily, and said I feel better when I did.

    I also got an interesting compliment. He told me later I was mean (which I felt concerned about, and said I do not like being called mean, I don’t feel I am being mean, and I feel weird). I said at one point I don’t like complaining, it makes me feel turned off, (he was complaining about me, saying I have an attitude, also complaining of me not having things planned when he was coming to see me? ). He also said he could sense that I am nice, but I don’t show it to everyone.

    He said wow, I mean I know I’m Arrogant but you are even more than Me. <– that was the compliment I was referring to. I don’t think he quite made it like that but I feel honored. Turns out he was still referring to my refusing to pay for stuff and refusal to accept criticisms of myself. He also said what am I bringing to the table and I said Me in a very simple way and I felt so much love for myself. He said that is not enough, you should come with “your guns on the table” whatever that means. I felt still laid back and untriggered! I smiled thinking how wonderful it is that I am bringing Me to the table. I was shocked at how untriggered I felt and how smoothly I was expressing feeling uncomfotable and swithcing back to feeling good.

    I do feel mad because I wound up giving him a ride to a closer station than the one he came from, I felt weird and it was just easier to give in to him. I felt ok because I was going in that direction too, although it did turn out that it messed up my schedule. He wanted to keep hanging out but I told him firmly more than 3 times that I had plans and I inteded to follow through. I will let him know next time he calls that I do not feel good about having to give him a ride and that next time I would feel better if he came to pick me up, and I don’t feel comfortable being asked to pay for dates.

    I feel triggered by his describing me as Arrogant, because my behavior to me was self loving and respectful of both of us. I did not accuse or complain. I am taking it as a compliment because I am assuming to mean Goddess like and High Self Esteem and High Degree of Difficulty.

    I feel a little uncomfortable taht he would complain about this, and test me so many times on it.

    I want to express clearly how I feel about date paying, and why it’s so important to me now that a guy takes care of everything…

    I feel amused at the beginning, he came on the train to my town and we stood around because I was waiting for him to take the lead and he kept telling me that I should lead. It felt awkward like bing in an argument. We saw a store that just opened and I said I feel like going inside and we wound up feeling much better and bonding over playing video games in the store.

    I feel grateful that this guy tested me in so many ways and I was able to tell that my self esteem is so strong. I feel amused that he said I am even more arrogant than him. I am hearing that as saying your self respect is even stronger than mine. Wow.

  24.  #24Daria on March 15, 2009 at 12:11 pm

    I should add that this man was handsome and charming, I felt attracted to him physically.

  25.  #25Ann on March 15, 2009 at 1:51 pm

    Micki, hi I’d like to let you know I’m in a similiar situation as you. I’ve been having alot of computer problems and I haven’t got as good as Alais Girl posting from my phone but if my computer will coorperate I’d like to tell you what I do.

    I’m married, but don’t feel attracted to my hubby any longer. However, I’m not to the point I want to leave so I’m concentrated on ME. I date ME, I’m working on being open to compliments from other men also. I’m learning what makes me feel good.

    I use Rori’s tools that speak to me to feel my feelings. I’m trying to be more loving, open, and accepting of me first.

    A few months ago I was having a conversation with a guy friend. Well actually I was telling him how stuck up he was acting since he got in a position of authority. He said he wasn’t. After a few minutes he looked me right in the eye and said you can be stuck up too.

    I was shocked… I’m very honest and blunt but I’ve NEVER considered myself stuck up. My daughter was there and when we left I said I don’t believe he called me stuck up. She said” Well…I’ve never thought to use those words but… you can appear that way. I said “huh you’re kidding me, I talk to anyone I choose to.” She said “exactly you do what you want, to some that may appear stuck up” I don’t like that description so I’m working on being more open.

    I said all that to say I’m learning to be the best me I can for me. To feel what feels good to me which will be a benefit to those around me.

    Well I see I’m not connected so let me see if I can get connected again to post this.

  26.  #26Daphne on March 15, 2009 at 4:40 pm

    Hi Rori Raye,

    Wow this is a cool website! I normally stay away from the typical dating advice type sites but yours is different. It has a very girly feel – written by a girl, for girls – and I love it! I love the way your write – very clear and direct.

    I certainly could improve the way I interact with men and people in general, and look forward to reading more already!

  27.  #27Ann on March 15, 2009 at 5:21 pm

    I have to say this my computer is working at the moment.

    I’ve been reading Rori newletter’s and feeling like a first class Goddess WooHoo.

    I put my vanilla raspberry body lotion on my arms and shoulders. I smell DELICIOUS.

  28.  #28Linmayu on March 15, 2009 at 7:50 pm

    I’m feeling angry. I “broke up” with about 6 or 7 men over the weekend and it was fine–most of them I’d never met in real life–one who I talked to on the phone sounded genuinely disappointed, and I liked him better for it. But then this other guy had messaged me on POF yesterday to ask how I was, and I didn’t feel like replying right then, and today I get this message chewing me out for not replying quicker because I log on there often enough.

    I felt angry, and I wrote him back saying that I didn’t feel motivated to reply to people lately, and that I didn’t want to meet him anymore. Didn’t tell him I felt angry, though. Didn’t even notice I felt angry until a few minutes later–I just felt this vague sense of being attacked, fear, panic. Now I feel angry. And you know what, it’s fucking fabulous that I feel angry. I’ve deleted my profile from all the sites. It’s just me, myself, and I here, feeling angry, no flirtatious messages from charming strangers to distract me from feeling angry. I love it.

    I feel like this is the beginning of something good. I’ll be spending more time on myself, enjoying the company of friends and family, dating myself, going out dancing by myself so I can meet men who like to dance, going to church every week so I can meet men who go to church every week, not really trying to date any of these wonderful men that I’m going to meet, but just starting to LIVE again.

    Anyway, I feel angry, and I love my anger. I’m alone here with my ugly feelings and there’s no one here but me and my feelings. Time to riff and emotrance and shamanic journey and just PLAY with them. 😀

  29.  #29alias girl on March 15, 2009 at 8:17 pm

    cashier at the grocery store said i should give him a call sometime. i said maybe i will. he said well you know where to find me. so i tore a piece of paper from my grocery bag and wrote my name and # and went back and gave it to him. i feel fearless.

    if people i am attracted to want to date me i’m all for it. if he just wants sex he can find someone else.

    i feel a little unmatchable though. honestly. that’s how i feel. but i feel confident if i stay in the moment and follow my feelings i don’t need to worry so much about a big fat future with any one particular man. that will take care of itself.

    i do not feel interested in dating men i am bored to tears by.

  30.  #30alias girl on March 16, 2009 at 12:36 am

    ok. so i’ve made up a new tool for myself that i am going to try. it’s called the four hour, one hour, ten minute tool.

    meaning. i do not need to worry about IF THIS IS THE GUY FOR ME. (yes yes rori has been saying this all along about circular dating but sometimes things don’t always click in until i put them in the right framing.

    so with my new rule i don’t need to woorry about FOREVER with my army of MAN. i just want to try and have fun for four hours on a date. or one hour for a meeting. or ten minutes for a phone call etc you get the idea.

    and i can do the same thing with my own life. break it down in little dates with myself. what can i do that would feel good for a four hour date with myself this week. or for ten minutes at work. etc.

    and then in all the between stuff i can BE IN THE MOMENT and enjoy washing dishes, folding clothes, taxes, etc. just really be in the moment inste of dreaming about some fantasy life with some fantasy ideal man.

    i mean visualization is good for manifesting but i ten to be a fantasizer which sort of grays my actual reality.

    also about my narcissism. i feel happy it’s coming up. i’ve met a couple of people who weren’t excessive narcissists and they are really amazing people to be around. i want to find and create and be my own joy within without having to look to others to fill my emptiness.

    i feel happy i am on my freeway of love. or whatever rori calls it. the road to happy ever after.


    i feel reilient.

  31.  #31alias girl on March 16, 2009 at 12:40 am

    do you wanna hear my narcissist joke i made up yesterday?

    the way i could tell the guy was a narcissist was that HE WASN’T PAYING ANY ATTENTION TO ME, (to ME) hehehehe. get it?

    it’s probably funnier in my head.

  32.  #32Tracy on March 16, 2009 at 1:30 am

    I love your tool Alias..i feel inspired by your growth..thanks for sharing..

  33.  #33Mercedes on March 16, 2009 at 7:05 am

    Rori: I’m with way #1 here for most people. Way #2…a little dangerous and a woman would REALLY have to be in a very confident frame of mind for it.

    I tried way #2 once…but…I was in love (please ladies…pay attention to Rori when she says not to do this with a man you have feelings for)…desperately in love with the man I was talking to. First of all, he did what you said and what (in my clear thinking head) I should have known he would do. He told me it was nothing I had done…it was all him…we got too close and he can’t be with one woman…he’s the type of guy who can’t settle down…etc…etc…etc…blah…blah…blah. (by the way…this man is now passionately in love with me and keeps asking me – for about a year now – to move in with him…he’s totally and completely committed to spending the rest of his life with me…but that is NOT a result of the questions I asked…not AT ALL and I know, looking back that I was so desperate to have him back that I looked pathetic and sad and miserable and probably the most unattractive he’d ever seen me. Nothing in the world could have brought him back to me in that moment…maybe someday I’ll share with you all the story of how we REALLY were able to fall in love and commit to a lifetime of loving each other but this isn’t really the post for that story).

    Anyway…looking back, I’m sooo grateful he wasn’t truthful about whatever it was I had “done wrong”. You see, I didn’t get any answers, but I was so in love and so incredibly CRUSHED about us breaking up…can you imagine what it would have done to me had he been honest? Yes, I would have gotten my answers, but I also would have had to sit there and listen to everything I had done wrong the whole time we were together…and I would have had to hear it all from the man of my dreams (a man who I couldn’t think of one reason why I wouldn’t want to be with him….quite possibly he could have come up with LOTS of reasons why he didn’t want want be with me…and I’m not sure I REALLY wanted to hear it – no matter how much I THOUGHT I wanted to hear it…).

    Yes…we all “want” to know what we did “wrong” but…do we REALLY want to know? I totally agree with your disclaimer…no feelings about this man AT ALL if you’re using this way to learn about yourself.

    Another thing I can see going wrong is the man will start giving you a bunch of BS. He’ll tell you how you did this and that and etc. It could all just be a huge excuse to make himself feel better and to justify letting go of someone amazing. Depending on the personality of the woman asking, she could get defensive and maybe angry (if not hurt) and find herself “defending” herself and trying to talk or reason with him into understanding why he was wrong in leaving her. It could either start a fight or make her look even less attractive than she was when he left. At the very least, it could cause her to overfunction with future men because this one told you that you didn’t cook him dinner or clean his house or something stupid like that.

    It’s dangerous to ask what went wrong…especially of someone who just recently broke things off. Like Rori said, you probably won’t get any answers anyway but if you do, decide in advance whether you can handle those answers in a goddess-like manner with your head held high and your pride in tact. Make sure you can learn from what he says and still love yourself for whatever you learned. A man breaking up with us can set us back a million miles in how far we’ve come…we need to be careful before we full out ASK him to do it.

    Much Love,

  34.  #34Maria on March 16, 2009 at 7:40 am

    lve been wondering if the reasons he would give us are reasonable enough. Think about it: – when his answer is: “IT” just wasnt there, “SOMETHING” is missing, there is no “CHEMISTRY”, whatever, you name it. Cos really, if the reason for breaking up would have been..let say me never cooking, or doing laundry properly, or being nervous in some situations, these are things you can FIX. Things you cant fix are the things that can be labelled as : IT….the mystique IT-word. He just falls out of love.

  35.  #35Mercedes on March 16, 2009 at 8:39 am

    I think most of the time, the guy doesn’t even know what “it” is. I know when I’m no longer feeling it for a man, I can’t really put into words what “IT” was that did it to me either. Most of the time, it’s a loss of attraction – for whatever reason – that does it for me. It’s not that the man was abusive or mean or anything…I’m just not attracted anymore. Those reasons that can be named like laundry, dishes, ect are rarely a real reason for a breakup. In the same way when a man abuses a woman, so many times, she doesn’t leave..why?…well…she’ll tell you it’s because she still loves him. Why? Because somehow there’s still attraction. When the attraction leaves….that’s when it ends. Couples get divorced for lots of reasons…and they call it “irreconcileable differences”…what does that mean? Well…in my opinion…it means “we’re simply not attracted to each other anymore”. It doesn’t mean “he beat the sh*t out of her” and it doesn’t mean “she didn’t do laundry right”…IT meant…we’re not attracted (or one of us isn’t). Once the attraction is gone (and I believe it leaves for a man easier than it leaves for a woman)…it’s difficult to get back.

  36.  #36Daria on March 16, 2009 at 10:52 am

    Mercedes I feel so intrigued to hear how you guys fell back in love…

    Maybe because I am hoping that the man I felt desperately in love with will again fall in love with me… although hey who knows, and that is ok.

  37.  #37Priscilla on March 16, 2009 at 12:00 pm

    After reading Rori’s article, I thought about my guy and how he was handling all of the changes I’ve thrown at him. He was used to this woman who was overfunctioning, leaning forward, and sending out a totally wrong vibe. Now, I’ve completely flipped things around and I wonder if he wants to ask someone ,”What happened to her or what went wrong?”

    I think men can be just as programmed as women sometimes. My guy really enjoys being the girl, he has femine energy so he and I are constantly in the lean back position and I am always trying to outgirl him (smile). When I stop overfunctioning and leaning forward is it possible he’s asking himself what did I do wrong, or what’s up with her and this new attitude? My vibe changes and it draws him in, but I am sure he’s just as curious to find out why I’ve changed because aren’t we also curious to know why they change and stop calling, texting and wanting to see us?

    I can tell the process I’m going through to be a better me is affecting him, too. He’s adjusting his attitude and we’re meeting each other in the middle instead of one person doing all the work.

  38.  #38Daria on March 16, 2009 at 12:12 pm

    Priscilla I am also interested in guys reaction to my new me. The past two days my firming my boundaries have felt really good, but I got called Argumentative twice by two different people.

    And I don’t think I was arguing or explaining… just saying no I dont’ like that.

    In the past that might have made me feel really insecure, now I only feel a little bit insecure and I’m sure it will “smooth out” as I get better used to being me and authentic… or maybe it comes with Goddess territory… I feel uncomfortable being thought of as argumentative mean or a bitch.

  39.  #39margaret on March 16, 2009 at 12:34 pm

    It feels great to have Mercedes back!


  40.  #40Mercedes on March 16, 2009 at 12:43 pm

    Thanks Margaret! Hopefully I stay a little longer this time. Rori and I had a nice conversation via email and I think I’ll be here for a bit. I’ll probably come and go sometimes but….that’s just me….lol

    Daria: I’ve always wanted to write my story out for others to read. I recently started a blog and well…you inspired me to tell my story (the good, the bad, and the VERY ugly) on that blog. If you’d like to read more about me and all the various mistakes I’ve made with my man (and OMGosh…there were LOTS), feel free to check it out:

    Anyone else too…Rori…you can check it out as well. I mention you in a few of the posts, so maybe you’ll want to look just to keep me in check with giving credit where credit is due…

    Much Love,

  41.  #41micki on March 16, 2009 at 3:20 pm

    Mercedes, I’m going to read your story with great interest tonight!

    Thinking about a couple of things…

    I would LOVE to know why this guy I was seeing just dropped out of my life with no warning, when I thought things were fine between us. I haven’t heard from him in weeks, and I am NOT going to contact him. I’m glad I read this article because it confirms my instincts. Sometimes I think I will contact him and ask him where he’s been and tell him I miss him, but I read this and I realize I would be making a mistake. I have to let him go and stop thinking about him. It hurts because I really liked him, although I never really thought we would have anything that lasted long. In the back of my mind I knew it would end sometime, but I just wasn’t ready. We never got “serious”, but we had a lot of fun together, great conversations and awesome chemistry. We came close to sleeping together but never did…I think I’m glad we didn’t but sometimes I actually find myself wishing that I had experienced that.

    In all our 17 years of marriage, I never cheated…never even had an “emotional” affair until met this guy. I guess it was because I had gotten to a point that I didn’t care about our marriage and when I met him, well, opportunity presented itself.

    I have fallen out of love with my husband, and I contribute it to the emotional abuse I put up with for years. He also hit me one time – a little over a year ago – and I almost left then. I told friends and took pictures of my bruise. He begged me to stay, and I told him that if he ever laid a hand on me in anger again, I was out of here. He hasn’t touched me since. However, the emotional abuse continued, and when I gave him an ultimatum for that (in December) he made a complete turnaround. I feel it’s too late, though. Now, there is no attraction left on my part and I can hardly stand him anymore. I don’t even have the energy to try or care, and he’s putting 100% effort into trying to save our marriage.

    Funny thing is, I would have NEVER thought I would be a victim of abuse – emotional or physical. I was a strong woman when we got married. He chased me and chased me in the beginning, and I honestly wasn’t even attracted to or interested in him at first. He wasn’t particularly handsome or charming (something that had always been important to me w/past boyfriends), but he was such a gentleman. It was his sweetness and dedication that attracted me over time, and I began to think of him as a gem, that he would make a great husband and father. Sometimes I wonder if I should have never even given him a chance; maybe if I had been attracted to him initially it would be easier to get those feelings back now. I can also feel a lot of anger toward him that I don’t know will ever go away…

    It’s ironic that for YEARS he accused me of cheating on him and I never did!!! He began to get jealous of every man I talked to about 5 years ago. When we had our big talk last December, I asked him why he constantly accused me of cheating and insulted me, belittled me, and put me down, and he told me he had become so afraid of me leaving, that he thought telling me those things would keep me around. Jealousy is an ugly thing.

    BTW, thank you so much everyone for welcoming me here and not reprimanding or judging me.

    I’m rambling…

  42.  #42Mercedes on March 16, 2009 at 3:47 pm

    Micki: Just so you know, my story is about my boyfriend only. It doesn’t address my ex husband. I don’t know if it will help you or not, but I’ve let go of the old and have no intention (at least at this time of putting that relationship on my blog). Just thought you’d want to know…

  43.  #43Ann on March 16, 2009 at 4:14 pm

    Mercedas, thank you for sharing your blog link. I’ve book marked it(read all the post already lol) plan on checking it as often as my computer will let me.

    When my husband and I got together I set 3 deal breaker rules. To my knowledge neither of us has broke them.

    I like your “rules” post and already do alot of them myself. I am taking responsibility for my own happiness. And in search of what makes me feel good.

    Thanks for sharing your blog.

  44.  #44Micki on March 16, 2009 at 6:30 pm

    Thanks for the info Mercedes, I am still interested because I know I can learn from other people’s situations even if they’re different from mine…I’m off to read your blog now!

  45.  #45Micki on March 16, 2009 at 7:34 pm

    Damn it!! I just wrote a long rambling comment and my stupid internet kicked me off and trashed it…

    Mercedes, I read your story and the rest of your blog…love it! I am looking forward to future entries – please keep writing. What a great relationship you have now…and it was awesome how you learned from your mistakes! Thanks for sharing! I wish I could have that kind of relationship in my own life right now…but I don’t know if I can ever fall in love again.

    I love your list of “rules.” (Much better and more realistic than the Rules book, IMO!) One “rule” stood out to me.

    You wrote:

    “Stop negative words from you man in their tracks…be confident. Did he just say something stupid and hurtful? Make sure he NEVER makes that mistake again. Done correctly, this will have your guy reeling with desire for you…and…he won’t even understand why!”

    Maybe if I had had the sense to apply that rule years ago I could have avoided the heartache I have endured for so long. It has taken me too long to get a backbone.

    Rori, I love your blog and your emails! Thank you so much for taking time to write and share your wisdom. I want to buy your ebook, and I will when I have the funds, hopefully in the next week or so. I am so anxious to read it!

    Tonight, my husband is out of town, the kids are asleep, and I have a bottle of wine…I am going to sit here in the quiet and enjoy reading the blog archives and learning. 🙂

  46.  #46Mercedes on March 17, 2009 at 4:01 pm

    Thanks ladies….glad you enjoyed…

  47.  #47Linda G on March 18, 2009 at 7:44 pm

    It’s the most unbelievable thing. I have been circular dating, recently I met a new crop online. Each of them in turn, after great emails and conversations, contacted me to say they are a. sick with flu, b. going on a business trip, c.having major surgery, so can we put off meeting until later. What am I learning from this, what am I missing? Linda G

  48.  #48Linda G on March 18, 2009 at 8:08 pm

    I’m thinking maybe even though things get flirtatious on the phone or email, I am projecting a vibe that is too clingy or has expectations other than a casual date, especially with these guys and I’m truly interested.I just find it easy to be extremely flirtatious before we meet, then feel guilty, like I should really be a good girl and not be easy, and I pull back, get serious (?) such as, I’m hinting I am going to make them wait for sex. I am just all over the place with this stuff. Linda G

  49.  #49Linda G on March 18, 2009 at 8:11 pm

    and, in the interview on Rori’s latest, was it Toxic men, didn’t the speaker say that when a guy puts space, time beteen you, he’s not unavailable, he’s checking someone else out and keeping you on hold? either it’s that, or there’s an epidemic going around, like a personalized (to me) version of the “blue flu”.

  50.  #50gina on March 22, 2009 at 11:14 pm

    I want to thank Rori a third time for helping me stop doubting myself the other day. One reason I started doubting myself is cause at the end of a previous conversation I had with the guy I met online, I said something encouraging, and he sarcastically said “Momma’s here.” And I felt totally weird about it. I felt super vulnerable and sexy when I said what I did, and his response threw me for a loop. Usually, when I speak to a man from a place deep inside of me, they respond really well – I feel powerful, womanly, nurturing, sensual. His comment made me feel inadequate and stupid. I carried it with me, and actually felt stifled by it for a couple of days. Now, I see his comment as a red flag, and feel almost apologetic to myself for blaming myself. I also consider his subtle disapproval of me dating even though we haven’t met in person, a definite red flag. Although this situation is totally new and subtle, Rori helped me release my doubt and realize that something felt familiar and wrong. I was denying my feelings and judging my behavior rather than trusting my feelings and speaking my truth. I consider myself strong and independent, yet i wound up in an abusive relationship in the past, and I always wondered how. Rori, thank you for shedding light on the precise mindset that facilitated an abusive relationship.

  51.  #51Daria on March 23, 2009 at 1:03 am

    Thank you Gina. Your comment was very enlightening. I really see what you meant about carrying that comment with you and feeling inadequate. I am glad to say that I feel I have recently made some breakthroughs from where I felt like I had plateaud with the feeling message honesty. I too am seeing the “red flags” instead of taking the blame, although I still feel triggered and sometimes feel like making it easier for him, or making myself less important, or whatever… I am really glad to see what you said about the familiar and wrong thing.

    I too have been in an abusive relationship before and I also feel strong and independent.

    My progress:

    ex making me wait and me feeling second best… me text: I don’t want to wait, I’m starting to feel bad…(leave and go to store). happens again… repeat… me: I’m starting to feel bad I don’t want to stay here… (actually go home). at the same time feeling no blame just noticing his behavior as not what I want

    today: him: why’d you leave me last nite me: I’m feeling weird… I feel confused… I’m feeling unimportant and second place and I dont’ like feeling liek that… It’s important for me to feel like a priority with a man, and I do feel really good when you call me, but most of the time I’m not feeling like a priority when I’m with you… him: I’ve got something for youuuu… in a cute tone … then I feel good!

    Big deal to have this communication for me.

    Also with new date… him: do you like all food? I pay for food you get bridge toll Me: I like all foods… I don’t feel good paying or driving on dates… I don’t want to do that I want to meet you though…

    feeling completely comfortable!

    Instead of saying ok, or ignoring his text, or feeling mad withough saying so… (and therefore not giving him a chance to prove that he CAN come through as a man).

    I am getting used to the idea that it is ok… to want to feel pampered and taken care of!… yes… it is not a bad thing, show bad character, or attract wimpy men… it does not turn them off… ( I haven’t lost one yet this way, and if I did I didn’t worry about it, and the ones that did huff and puff are still calling… the only thing is they may not actually have the resources to come through for me).

    This is amazing… I don’t have to explain myself by disqualifying myself saying I am spoiled or a princess (in a sarcastic way) or that I know I am asking for a lot. I simply say what I don’t want and what is important to me and leave it up to him to come up with the solution to what he wants to do. (for us).

  52.  #52alias girl on March 23, 2009 at 6:38 pm

    thank you gina and daria for sharing your experiences in these last two posts. i feel really helped by reading them. i feel grateful.