Simple Fixes For Simple Inconveniences

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031- 250I met a friend, Diana at a party on New Year’s day – and we had an amazing “aha” moment.

Like me, Diana has curly hair. REALLY curly hair, and like me, it’s been a focal point of her life.

Until curly hair came into fashion – I spend so much time wrapping my hair around my head, rolling it in soup cans, wearing hats in humid weather, using straightening combs and basically paying way too much attention to my hair. So much attention and concern that my whole self was always tense.

Now – there are SO many ways to “fix” whatever issue you think you have with your hair. Diana did a Keratin treatment – and now has hair that’s soft, moves, feels like the kind of hair she’s always wanted – but MORE important – it’s saved her time, worry, concern, and turned her into a much more relaxed woman.

Taking care of her hair (so that she could be happy with the way it looked – and I believe in the importance of that) had been an “inconvenience.” It had zapped her time and energy and thoughts.

Now – she gets up, runs a comb through it, washes it and blows it dry – and FORGETS ABOUT IT!!!

She FEELS more attractive because she doesn’t have to think about her hair, and it feels good because it’s not all fixed and sprayed and worried about. It moves around her head, and she ENJOYS it, instead of thinking about it.

Her lifelong obsession with her hair was a “simple fix.”

So, I thought: What in ALL of our lives could use – and HAVE – a “simple fix”?

What could we do to save time, save money, save worry? What could we do that would make us feel more relaxed, and allow us to focus on what’s happening in the PRESENT, instead of worrying about what might happen in the future?

I can see that my office is not smartly organized – and I spend ridiculous amounts of time trying to keep my tiny closet straight. I don’t know what to do with the things I own and use – even though I DO go through the drawers and closet often and get rid of clutter and things I don’t use or wear.

I like things out where I can see them.

So – I’m going to spend an hour seeing if I can make it easier on myself to function in my office.

Which leads me to: What else can I do to make things easier for myself?

Overfunctioning starts with US!

Let me know if you’ve discovered any way to make your day-to-day easier, to find “simple fixes” for some of the things that are now draining your energy.

Love, Rori






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  1.  #1Shannon on January 30, 2014 at 6:27 am

    Well, first, I have found that making small, repeated, incremental changes is key. The biggest inconvenience in the world is feeling like everything has to be done–and done now.

    I used to look at the house and feel like, “I have to clean THE HOUSE.” Now I look at the house and think, “Okay… I have enough time to clean the downstairs bathroom and do the dishes today.”

    I don’t ever have to clean THE HOUSE. On any given day, I prioritize the dirtiest room–OR on some days, the only room I have time to get to… or I prioritize doing this PART of that room… and that’s it.

    All too often, we overwhelm ourselves by wanting to do too much, or too fast. I don’t want to clean the kitchen today, I want to clean THE HOUSE… so I do NOTHING.

    If you spent an hour each day (with a timer set and everything!) and cleaned… you’d accomplish far more than if you wanted to clean the whole house so thus did nothing. Or you went nuts for a day and then it felt so horrific that you didn’t bother for another month.

    An hour is just an hour. The secret is to put in your hour (or two, or only 20 minutes if that’s all you feel up to)… and then let yourself BE DONE. Accept that as enough so that you don’t feel that underlying sense of pervasive, “I have to clean THE WHOLE HOUSE AND IT SUCKS.”

    Cleaning out a cabinet a month… picking up the floor for 20 minutes before bedtime–and no more…

    These can be small changes that make a huge impact. The biggest problem is the feeling over overwhelm. That sense of too much to do, not enough time… so I’ll freeze up and do nothing at all.

    It’s a massive relief to say, “I only have to clean for an hour, then I am DONE. I can play without guilt, I can read without guilt, I can be FINE after I set this timer and clean for 20 mins or an hour” or whatever time you’ve set for yourself.

    Then it feels like relief to sit down and play, instead of feeling like I’ve done something wrong because of what I DIDN’T do. Put a time limit on your efforts, for the sake of others, and for your own sake.

  2.  #2Shannon on January 30, 2014 at 6:28 am

    Oops. Feeling “of” overwhelm, lol.

  3.  #3Nermo on January 30, 2014 at 6:43 am

    I have been feeling crabby today, and sensitive. I drive a lot everyday (to/from work), and i feel physically tiered..also the guy i like did not call me to fix a date to meet, and i feel bad about that. So, today i decided not to drive and ordered a Nile taxi to pick me from work. Nile taxi moves on water, instead of driving and would enjoy be on board, enjoy the sunset, the Nile view, and maybe meet fun people ๐Ÿ™‚ That is my today’s quick fix and I am so looking forward to it:)

  4.  #4Indigo on January 30, 2014 at 9:19 am

    I also have long, curly hair and I can definitely vouch for Diana and Rori’s feelings that once you find the way you like to wear your hair, and your “fix”, you relax so much. My hair used to make me tense.. I love it now!

  5.  #5Indigo on January 30, 2014 at 9:22 am


    I wonder if you would mind me asking you a question?

    I know you suggest, if something is bothering you in a relationship, to go inside yourself first, and to sit with it for a little while to see if it eases up on its own before bringing it up.

    How long would you suggest you wait before you bring up something that’s bothering you with your man?

    Thank you – xxx

  6.  #6T. Bradley on January 30, 2014 at 9:46 am

    I always tried to wait before I brought up something that was bothering me but before my ex called it off for his ex wife again I started to ask whenever.. I kinda feel bad that a 45 or 46 year old woman can rule him and the only thing I was trying to do was love him,but hey I guess its life!

  7.  #7Dominique on January 30, 2014 at 9:53 am

    Indigo – There isn’t a hard and fast rule around this. For me when I was faced with “things”, I would give it more than a day, sometimes a few days. If I still felt really bothered, enough so that it was interfering with my ability to connect with K, then I would speak up.

    Also another piece to this is if this “thing”, whatever it is is so small in the big picture of K as a good man, one who loves me, then I often will choose to let it go.

    Even now there are a few things that if I reflect back on them can stir up some icky feelings, BUT instead I choose to redirect my thoughts back on my truth which is that this man adores and cherishes me, and me summoning up old stuff is me punishing myself unnecessarily.

    Does this make sense? Help?


  8.  #8Dominique on January 30, 2014 at 10:00 am

    T. Bradley – Yes often it’s a good idea to wait, sit with what’s bothering you for awhile, not knee jerk react.

    Another piece to the above which I forgot to mention, and your previous posts from the last thread reminded me is that if it’s a pattern, i.e. not an anomaly or one time thing, then speaking up without waiting might be called for though again it depends on circumstance.

    Also if it’s something truly heinous.

    In your case here T. Bradley, his words are not matching up with his actions.

    This article doesn’t really address your situation, yet it does because it is the actions you want to listen to which you know.


  9.  #9Indigo on January 30, 2014 at 10:01 am

    Yes, Dominique ๐Ÿ™‚ thank you so much.

    That does help – and particularly the punishing myself unnecessarily – I resonate with that.

    I guess I still feel confused a little with some things, what is my stuff and what should I be sharing my “feelings” about with him… in other words, if something is still bothering you after a few days, and it seems connected to him, how do you know if it’s your stuff or him.

  10.  #10Miss Bells on January 30, 2014 at 10:08 am

    Hi Rori–to answer your question about simple fixes, that is one of my big writing niches.
    I worked as an organizer at the time when my late husband could no longer work, a number of years ago. And my blog The Frugal Goddess is all about simple fixes.
    My next thing is a short ebook about stopping food waste. We all do it and it costs money and makes us feel bad. Stopping it takes a little thought and planning, but nothing complicated. Stay tuned…
    Thanks for this topic. It gave me some writing ideas. I have been in a bit of a writer’s slump and just thinking in terms of simple fixes has helped.

  11.  #11T. Bradley on January 30, 2014 at 10:13 am

    Question for anybody,
    How do you feel about women dating younger? my ex was 5 years younger and I have this other guy that likes me and he is also younger. Thinking if I should try the younger dating again.

  12.  #12Shannon on January 30, 2014 at 10:16 am

    I feel fine about it. My ex is 6 years younger than me, and one of my CDs is 7 years younger. I did feel uncomfortable when I thought he was more than 10 years younger than me, though, honestly. At that point, my mind started going to all kinds of future stories about getting older and getting left. =(

  13.  #13T. Bradley on January 30, 2014 at 10:19 am

    A ex co-worker married a guy thats 18 or 19 years younger!!!! Now that’s very scary to me but she did it!

  14.  #14Dominique on January 30, 2014 at 10:28 am

    Indigo – 9 – Do you have something in mind, something you want to share here? Or with me privately?

    This takes practice, and even then you may not get it “right” whatever this is. Remember there are no mistakes, only learning and growing experiences.

    Even if it is his stuff, it’s still about you and your stuff because if it wasn’t, it wouldn’t bother you. OR you would walk away, i.e deal breaker, bye, bye material.


  15.  #15T. Bradley on January 30, 2014 at 10:31 am

    I have a question I would love to ask privately if you dont mind.

  16.  #16Dominique on January 30, 2014 at 10:31 am

    T. Bradley – Younger is fine. I had an ex seven years younger. K is two years younger. Rori’s husband is younger than she. I won’t say how much without her permission. My mother’s husband is 22 years younger which for me would be problematic, but it seems to work for them. It’s all in how YOU feel, and this may feel different depending on the man and where you are at the time.


  17.  #17Dominique on January 30, 2014 at 10:33 am

    T. Bradley – If you click on my name, it will take you to my site, and you can send me a private email. I also posted my email in the last thread to akasha. So yes, please feel free. ๐Ÿ™‚


  18.  #18Femininewoman on January 30, 2014 at 10:38 am

    Nermo that feels to me like it would be fun.

  19.  #19Veronica on January 30, 2014 at 10:45 am

    When I stopped watching TV I had so much time on my hands. I also realized why I did this – voices talking to each other I find very comforting.

  20.  #20T. Bradley on January 30, 2014 at 10:52 am

    Is it were you just have to sign up at? Couldnt do it on one of them so I had to go to yahoo. Will that work?

  21.  #21Veronica on January 30, 2014 at 11:05 am

    I’m meeting a CD on Sat. night – I’ll call him LastCD. The interaction is going well – light, gentle, fun, not romantic.

    I need to get some stuff out/vent/just out.

    I feel unsure, tip-toe nervous around MY emotions and possible romance – they seem like tripswitches now. Romance feels threatening, like it will take away my caring for BM. It will be twisty loss all over again – the thought of that makes me want to fold into myself. It’s like he sits inside me – sometimes he’s in quiet black space, a distance that’s like the other end of the room.Sometimes it’s like he’s completely in my body up to the edges – when I’m cooking, reading, lying down etc. The CDs and some male friends are reaching out to me so kindly and it barely touches me, like it just can’t quite reach. I forget him when I’m doing something that interests me – I forget time too that way.

    I notice what is beautiful around me and when it strikes me, it’s as though I have to nudge my way through folds to be me expressing out ‘oh how beautiful’. I interact with people and it’s genuine and I do welcome it, but it’s as though I’m simultaneously out there interacting and noticing but also deep in me, seated on some kind of throne and will only move when when I’m touched it affects me all the way there, reaches all the way there.

  22.  #22Lisa on January 30, 2014 at 11:07 am

    I’ve gone through similar things with my appearance… like when I decided to not wear foundation make up or blush anymore… too expensive, and I was tired of the stuff that went with it… was the best thing I ever did for myself and I noticed more men found me more attractive. I feel more beautiful now than I ever did wearing makeup… same with my hair, I stopped getting perms… made my life easier and free…

    what a week or amazing realizations and growth! Wow! I’ve had a profound week…..

    on the subject of younger, it’s been that way for me mostly for the past 20 years most all of my BF’s or Lovers whatever term you use… has been typically 6-8 years younger… only recently has men my age come into the picture…


  23.  #23T. Bradley on January 30, 2014 at 11:12 am

    I do wear make-up on the weekends and I dont wear much at all then. Yes it can be expensive but I can use my make-up for a year before I have to buy again, so i dont spend much on it at all. And as far as dating younger Ive only dated one younger guy and that was my ex who was 5 years younger. he didnt act his age at all and i loved that about him. If he could let go of his past we would have made things work!!

  24.  #24Shannon on January 30, 2014 at 11:13 am

    Veronica, 21…

    I get that. Sometimes it’s almost like we love our love for the other person, more than we love the person… almost like I’d do anything to keep my love for him from being threatened, even if he’s completely checked out or not in the picture at all!

    I especially experienced this with an ex that I obsessed over for years more than I want to admit to. And he had passed away… yet I couldn’t give up my love for my love for him.

    We humans, we’re strange creatures. :p

  25.  #25Andrea on January 30, 2014 at 11:19 am

    Veronica.. xooxxo… not only do I understand and relate to what you’ve expressed here, I’m simply moved to tears by how beautifully and poetically you’ve written it. I feel expanded and angels fluttering.. just because of the poetry with which you’ve described this experience.

    Nermo.. I’m envious. A Nile taxi?? A taxi on the river? Oh that sounds like such a wonderful way to take care of yourself. Why does hearing you describe that just make me feel so very happy? It’s as though your experience is alive in me. I feel grateful that you shared that.

  26.  #26Cris on January 30, 2014 at 11:31 am

    So true that we have to do everything in a simpler way… and also, not being too demanding with ourselves and with others! So yes!! Do less, do simpler, do smartly!! And be elegant!!

  27.  #27LoveAlways on January 30, 2014 at 11:50 am

    I moved my “to-do” list to my calendar on my phone (which is linked to my computer); I keep two “shopping lists” – a master list where everything I buy stays on it, and a second list that I refer to when I go to the market; I use social media accounts to keep on-line journal/vision boards so everything I think feel see and want to refer to are in one place easily accessible!

  28.  #28LoveAlways on January 30, 2014 at 11:54 am


    I can just vision the sunset on the nile as you are commuting home after work . . . what a glorious view!

  29.  #29Mandy on January 30, 2014 at 3:13 pm

    Classic over-functioner here!

    About over-functioning; I have something to share about this definitely…this is something I’ve had to deal with my whole life as a person with a severe clinical diagnosis of Tourette’s Syndrome, and Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder.
    When I was about 16, I had therapy for it, which had to do with deep relaxation techniques using mental imagery. It also taught me to expose myself to the fear of not compulsively “fussing” over what I was worried about; if I had a hard time taking a shower because I felt claustrophobic, and started having involuntary movements and vocalizations, the therapist told me to, on my spare time, as “homework”, while clothed and there was no water running, go into the shower for a few seconds and stay in and breathe for as many seconds as I could, then when I’d had enough, come out and breathe; after a few sessions, this stopped my asking for reassurance, curling up in a ball inside my room, all that nasty stuff. It so sounds like the Strong Surrender.
    What’s great is that we as Sirens already have these tools at hand – That’s what the The Modern Siren tools are – breathing and deep relaxation techniques, etc.
    Oddly enough, I noticed after I went through the Modern Siren program, after doing the Dance Position, breathing, and the other tools in it, it was like I’d just gotten a relaxing massage, I was calm, I could breathe, I felt utterly free and alive and good, and no more over-functioning, or worrying about my hair and makeup…

    Trust me, I worried about my hair and makeup so much; then my man told me one day he thinks I’m beautiful the way I am and he thinks I’m hot without makeup. So I tried going it au natural, and now I feel much more relaxed and free-flowing.

    I realize the relaxation is absolutely important to my day-to-day living!

  30.  #30Sophie on January 30, 2014 at 3:27 pm

    This post is fun – I found nail polish with the gel tip stuff in it – that dries in about half a second and doesn’t chip so soon- I also have two lots of moisturiser/foundation mascara – one is always in my bag cos I swim a lot – the other is at home – keys are always in the pot by the door so they don’t get lost – big pots of soup easy peasy last a couple of days ๐Ÿ™‚ One really good pair of boots for everyday wear that go with everything – email files

    Indigo – so funny I never imagined you with long curly hair ๐Ÿ™‚

    Nermo – ohhh I agree with the others your trip home sounds wonderful, magical, beautiful, I can feel the sensation of warm air on my face yum

    Miss Bells – I love all your tips – I feel inspired ๐Ÿ™‚

    I totally resonate also Shannon – everything in bite-sized pieces or I will overwhelm myself – I try to do little bits of all the things each day

    All quiet on the home-front phew – pot-smoking is now officially outdoors – new person happy – I feel much happier

  31.  #31Sophie on January 30, 2014 at 3:29 pm

    Love Always – you sound super organised! xxx

  32.  #32Mandy on January 30, 2014 at 3:30 pm

    Shannon โ€“

    Thank you for helping me feel not so alone! I truly do feel SO frustrated with myself sometimes but it takes me going into the bathroom dropping to my knees and just feeling stuff and riffing it out. I really need some riffing coaching. I always end up questioning whether Iโ€™m really feeling something or if my mind is playing a trick on me, then questioning if I really have any valid reason to love the feeling, so I think that prevents me from changing my brain from going to โ€œkick myselfโ€ instead of โ€œlove myselfโ€. Oh boy!

    Need help with that riffing!!!! I was invited to do the Love Forever Program and I SO wish I could but I can’t afford it as I am on disability pay and only make a small amount a month. Looks like I might need to make another small coaching email appointment.

  33.  #33Sophie on January 30, 2014 at 3:32 pm

    Mandy – ๐Ÿ™‚ absolutely i need down time every day too – meditation normally or a book (not electronic) or listen to something positive on audio xx

  34.  #34Sophie on January 30, 2014 at 3:50 pm

    Indigo – just saw your comment to me on the other post ๐Ÿ™‚ – I did no tiptoeing today at all I gave it to him straight over and over and over and I wrote it down and gave that to him too – i metaphorically put the pie in his face – now to keep it up…lets see if his actions about his future actions (work – looking for somewhere to live etc) actually come to fruition – I don’t ever want to go back to tiptoeing – I’ve made it clear there is no relationship and that is how I want it – separate rooms/separate beds i made that clear a while a go – friendship, peace and harmony does feel great but I still require a continual stepping up in action or a get out – so far there is a step up – now I can get back to focusing on me and feeling beautiful and soft and sensitive – not for him but for me -watch this space xxx does that all sound very hard?! ๐Ÿ™‚

  35.  #35Mandy on January 30, 2014 at 3:55 pm


    Nice! – I like hot baths and white noise too – sounds like the inside of an airplane to me and it’s kind of comforting. Anything I can get my hands on to help I do…I even use a “love script’ to ask my man if I can have hair rubs….I am a sucker for that lol ๐Ÿ˜‰ Very goddess-feeling ๐Ÿ™‚

  36.  #36Sophie on January 30, 2014 at 4:45 pm

    oooo yes Mandy lots of baths I rub my own feet and head with nice soothing oils too ๐Ÿ™‚ xx

  37.  #37LoveAlways on January 30, 2014 at 5:26 pm

    Sophie: It’s very functional, and I feel “together” but I often feel like a lovely tangled mess with so much to juggle ๐Ÿ™‚

  38.  #38Tereana on January 30, 2014 at 6:27 pm

    Wait a second. I take a little offense at this post. And maybe I am passing judgment based on my own experience, but I really wasn’t expecting the “fix” in this case to be a KERATIN TREATMENT. And I don’t even really know what that does. But all I really know and understand is that the purpose of it, for this woman, was to transform her hair from the curly, “unruly,” inconvenient state it was in to something more manageable.

    Hey, I have a better idea that’s even more simple, and it’s not even a “fix.”


    I don’t care if your hair is curly, straight, wavy, or kinky. Whatever it is, it is MOST beautiful when it is doing just what it does.

    Let me tell you about MY hair:

    It’s always been thick. As a child, hairstylists used to compliment me (still do), and they would sometimes “thin” it, by trimming pieces underneath to be much shorter. Honestly, you couldn’t even tell the difference. lol

    My hair was also wavy, as a child. Just gentle waves, smooth, no curl.

    Around about age 12 it started to curl. But the thing is, I didn’t KNOW my hair was curly. So I never treated it as curly. No one else did, either.

    I have spent years brushing, blow drying, towel trying, STRAIGHTENING my hair. I’ve tangled with it wrestled with it, and torn muscles in my shoulder attempting to style it and “make” it have a texture it didn’t want to have.

    Guess when my hair looks best?


    The less I cut it, the less I touch it as it’s drying, the less I dye it, the BETTER it looks.

    Sure, I’ve considered getting a Brazilian blowout. But you know what? I get compliments on my hair ALL the time. People want to know if I’ve permed it or curled it. I’ve never permed it. The big joke to me is that I wanted to when I was younger, about 10. And now all I have to do is wash my hair, scrunch it in a t-shirt, and that’s about it. I use a few drops of styling product and that’s all it needs.

    Like a relationship, the more I try to “do” to my hair, the more it gets away from me, and the more I feel frustrated because it’s not what I “want.” The more I let my hair JUST BE, the more beautiful it looks.

    And honestly, the first time I wore my hair out curly, all by itself, after straightening it for years, I felt naked. Literally, I honestly felt like my head was naked and everybody could see everything about me. But as time goes on, I get more and more comfortable with that, and more and more happy with my curly hair. Because it’s MY hair.

    I’m really happy that this woman Diana enjoys her smooth hair. But I don’t feel entirely happy for her. I feel like a happier ending to the story would be if she could fall in love with her own hair, the way that it is, instead of trying to make it be or do something that it isn’t.

    That’s just my take on it.

    I guess different strokes for different folks.

    But honestly, with both hair and makeup, I feel like most everyone looks better when the natural elements are enhanced, rather than covered up or made to look like something else. And that whole idea just seems so antithetical to what we are about here on the blog, with authenticity and being ourselves.

    I’m here to take a stand for curly haired ladies and anything else you got. Why fight it when you can rock what you got?


  39.  #39Tereana on January 30, 2014 at 6:32 pm

    I guess, to me, the “simple fix” is not to fix it at all, because it isn’t broken and there’s nothing wrong with it…

  40.  #40Zia on January 30, 2014 at 6:46 pm

    Shannon – I LOVED your response from the previous thread (comment 231). THANK YOU! ๐Ÿ™‚

  41.  #41Tereana on January 30, 2014 at 6:46 pm

    …and on to relationships.

    I am struggling still with my relationship to my aunt. I have a letter to her that I’ve written, that I might want to send. I kind of don’t. It’s just that all is fine until I have to interact with her in some way. Then I just feel “off” and highly uncomfortable. And I usually don’t even have to interact with her directly. In fact, she won’t interact with me directly, which is what feels the worst.

    We used to be so close, and I used to share all the “girly” stuff with her that I couldn’t talk to my mom about. She was my surrogate cool-mom-I-never-had, my older-sister-i-never-had, plus my cool aunt, all in one. And lately, she has just become distracted by her new family, her new life, she’s been growing away from everyone, and most of all me. I don’t even know her or recognize her anymore, and it hurts my heart SO much. And I HATE that we are fighting. I know all families do this. I just hate it, hate it, hate it.

    And as for S, wow. The more I think about him, the more I just keep thanking him in my mind for leaving our relationship and saving me probably lots of more heartache down the line. He was PERFECT for me at the time. He was JUST what I needed and absolutely brilliant. But I have to trust the man, right? If he wanted to be right for me, he WOULD be. He is getting out of the way so that a really right person can come in. Hey, even if that IS him – after making some shifts and whatnot. And he’s giving me space so that I can do the work that I need to do to make MY shifts. Which is really even more important.

    I’m taking a “guyatus” again, I suppose. It feels good to have time to myself. But I’ve realized that that’s actually a “simple fix” that isn’t really a fix. Yeah, sure, it “fixes” my relationship problem, in that I don’t have a problematic relationship. But it doesn’t allow me to be IN a relationship, and then I feel lonely and sad.

    But I was also thinking about the word “holy” today. And now I’m going to get a little spiritual. The word comes from the Hebrew “kadosh” which we don’t really know what it means, but it implies “separateness.” And that is how I feel. I feel “separate.” I feel – maybe I feel “holy.” And maybe that doesn’t always feel all that great from the inside. But maybe there is a good reason for it.

    I just know that, inside of this “separateness” I am wrestling with who I am and what I really want. Do I want to have just sex-only relationships with either one man, or lots of men, because that would make me feel powerful and strong? Am I wasting my bountiful sexual energy on – oh, no one, or myself? Or would doing that eventually NOT make me feel powerful and strong, and would it be better to save my good, bountiful sexual energy for someone who can really appreciate it?

    I suppose seeing it in black and white like that it looks obvious – save it for someone who can appreciate it!

    Now, I guess I know what “temptation” means. It’s not evil, it just means that it is so seductive to have something that you want right there in front of you, on offer. You can take that thing. There is nothing saying that you can’t. It just might not be the bigger prize that you REALLY want.

    I’m thinking about two marshmallows.* I can’t really lie and tell myself I want only one marshmallow. I still know the truth: I want both marshmallows. So, if that’s the case, then I am just going to have to keep doing what I’m doing until I know that both marshmallows are on offer. And then I won’t have to worry about choosing just one!!

    (I don’t feel like explaining this, but it’s a psychological thing. you can look it up if you want…)

  42.  #42Kyla on January 30, 2014 at 6:50 pm

    Tereana its a conditioning/frizz smoothing treatment that makes your hair silkier and easier to dry. I get it done and it makes me feel goddessy. My hair is long, thick, curly, unruly and takes forever and a day to style. With the keratin treatment I actually like playing with my hair styles again. Bonus is that I can have my hair looking amazing curly, wavy or straight quickly with almost no effort.

    I get your point to love and accept yourself, that’s pretty key, and this to me was about doing things that make you feel good and make your life easier is also key to loving yourself. My boy taking care of my girl. I’m loving your triggers here, really made me tilt my head to the left and go aha yes! I feel that one too!

  43.  #43Kyla on January 30, 2014 at 6:50 pm

    Tereana its a conditioning/frizz smoothing treatment that makes your hair silkier and easier to dry. I get it done and it makes me feel goddessy. My hair is long, thick, curly, unruly and takes forever and a day to style. With the keratin treatment I actually like playing with my hair styles again. Bonus is that I can have my hair looking amazing curly, wavy or straight quickly with almost no effort.

    I get your point to love and accept yourself, that’s pretty key, and this to me was about doing things that make you feel good and make your life easier is also key to loving yourself. My boy taking care of my girl. I’m loving your triggers here, really made me tilt my head to the left and go aha yes! I feel that one too!

  44.  #44Zia on January 30, 2014 at 6:52 pm

    I had an epiphany today while I was walking along… was thinking about this guy and how he seems so secure and confident compared to my ex. And then I realised – this is the first secure and confident guy that I’ve been attracted to. Like, REALLY attracted to. And I just thought OMG. When we all discuss about how we attract who we are, and are attracted to those on our same vibration, that this is proof that all the work I did last year has paid off! And you know what, even if nothing more happens, I am SO happy to have had that realisation ๐Ÿ™‚

  45.  #45Kyla on January 30, 2014 at 7:14 pm

    Yay Zia that’s awesome! ๐Ÿ™‚

  46.  #46Zia on January 30, 2014 at 7:54 pm

    Tereana – I have curly hair and spent a LOT of my life with bad hair cuts and always wearing it up because it felt unmanageable and I hated it. All it took was for one hairdresser who had experience with my kind of hair to do a style of cut to it, and a couple of amazing products and now I LOVE and EMBRACE my curls. So yeah, sometimes it’s a simple fix that allows us to really be at ease and feel comfortable and happy and embrace something that might have previously stressed us out.

  47.  #47Zia on January 30, 2014 at 7:55 pm

    And this was almost 10 years ago now… so I’ve loved my hair and my curls for 10 years so that’s not bad going for a “simple fix”. Far happier than if I’d never discovered this and spent this time resenting it.

    There is nothing wrong with finding ways to amplify our inner and outer beauty.

  48.  #48Lisa on January 30, 2014 at 8:49 pm

    This is cool…. from Steve Harvey…the lies men tell you on the first date.. I’ve heard them all and then some….

    I like Steve Harvey in that he is blunt and to the point…


  49.  #49Indigo on January 30, 2014 at 8:50 pm

    Dominique 14,

    I have a “trigger” around women friends when I am with a man – innocent things that don’t seem to mean anything on the face of it, trigger me.

    And because it’s such a familiar trigger I sometimes battle to know when it’s just my old insecurities/stuff, and when I should speak up.

    To be clear, pretty much all the men I’ve been with have been the faithful where you really feel the chances of them cheating or being inappropriate is very low, but yet I still feel like I need a way to navigate this issue.

    If that makes sense ๐Ÿ™‚

    Lots of love

  50.  #50Zia on January 30, 2014 at 8:55 pm

    Oh and I can sat 100% that my hair was NOT at its most beautiful in the years leading up to finally finding that hairdresser. Even now, if I leave it with zero product it’s frizzy, doesn’t sit well, and ugly. When I try it a specific way, put the product I always use in, it is curly, bouncy, and gorgeous. So I’m happy. And again I totally agree with finding little ways to make BIG BEAUTIFUL changes in our lives <3

  51.  #51Kath on January 30, 2014 at 9:16 pm

    Words hurt-wound-leave me in pain. I try and take care of me, have baths, read, do things for me, and when I feel I’ve given myself a hug I can come out again and be comfortable around him. Last night again I thought I tried to be caring and affectionate, bought him a little token present to make him smile, shared with him some really good news but still nothing-no smile, no acknowledgement, hardly anything to say. I felt crushed. I then asked if he wanted to do something fun at the weekend or whether he wanted to do his own thing. He asked, without even looking at me, what did I have in mind, no emotion in the words nothing, I just burst into tears. I said I just felt that we were both experiencing so much pain right now that perhaps it would be good to try and focus on the positives. He sighed, irritated, got up, moved over to the other die of the room and said I didn’t get it-that he was walking on egg shells because of the way I had “screamed” at him about 4 wks ago (it was2!)-but regardless of the timescale, all he could see or hear was that I’d screamed. He never heard the words, he doesn’t understand why I was so upset and hurt to lose control and even though I have tried to explain calmly and rationally, I am still being made to feel that its all my fault. Once again he said “we really are over”, I cried more- I don’t want to split up, he said he didn’t either. I asked him if that was true why did he keep saying it. I asked him to stop saying it. I said I was trying, even felt I had to list all the things I’d done, but he just turned round and said that he couldn’t be bought that easily. And there you have it-in that moment I thought, you don’t understand and you never will. So my question Sirens is, can you love a man who seems to be emotionally shut down?

  52.  #52Amber on January 30, 2014 at 9:25 pm

    Hello Sirens!

    I feel so proud of myself today!
    I was with my therapist. She is a lovely woman and is really helping me with my childhood abandonment issues. That being said, she is NOT a Rori coach! We were talking about my three CD guys. (F) (K) (T) and I mentioned that (K) had contacted me and we have a date on Saturday night.
    Her: Don’t you think it would be a good idea to have a ‘talk’ with him about where your relationship stands?
    Me: No
    H: Why not
    M: That’s not my job.
    H: But what if he thinks it’s going somewhere it’s not?
    M: So?
    H: Don’t you think it would be a relief to have all of your EXPECTATIONS out in the open?
    M: I don’t have any expectations. I have boundaries.
    H: Boundaries?
    M: Yes. If he bumps into one of them, then we will talk. If he wants something in our relationship to change, it is HIS responsibility to initiate that conversation
    H: But you had that conversation with (F). What’s the difference?
    M: (F) initiated that conversation after two dates. We are on the same page because HE ASKED THE QUESTION
    H: Oh. I just think it would lift a burden for both of you to know where this is going
    M: I don’t feel burdened. I know where I am. If he needs clarification he is welcome to ask. It is not my job to steer our relationship. I’m the girl.

    I think I left her flabbergasted but I feel POWERFUL!


  53.  #53Andrea on January 30, 2014 at 9:36 pm

    Yay Amber!! I feel powerful just reading that conversation. Triumphant and I feel like… “OH Yeah! That’s right. That is HIS business and if he needs clarification, he’ll ask.”

    So great for you. I like how you said, “I don’t feel burdened. I know where I am.”

    Yes! I’m getting there as a single woman. Now I’m really looking forward to practicing it out as a dating woman.

  54.  #54Amber on January 30, 2014 at 9:39 pm

    Kath- 50

    I’m going to be blunt. If you don’t want to hear it, look away.

    YOU ARE OVERFUNCTIONING!! Everything you wrote in this post is overfunctioning.

    “Last night again I thought I tried to be caring and affectionate, bought him a little token present to make him smile” It is not our job to bring presents, that is boy energy. It is our job to RECEIVE.

    ” shared with him some really good news but still nothing-no smile, no acknowledgement, hardly anything to say” If you are disappointed by this then you went into the conversation with expectations. You will almost ALWAYS be disappointed when this happens.

    “I then asked if he wanted to do something fun at the weekend or whether he wanted to do his own thing” Boy energy again. Why are you asking him out? That is HIS JOB. You just robbed him of his manliness.

    “perhaps it would be good to try and focus on the positives” You should not be focusing on the relationship or him AT ALL, except when he approaches you of his own accord, and then only to be warm, melty and receptive. You should be focusing on YOU and only YOU.
    Please, please at the very least get Rori’s book and READ IT, APPLY IT. All of her audio/video programs are totally worth every penny, too. I promise, this stuff works, but you have to WORK THE PROGRAM. You are NOT working the program right now. Sorry to be so harsh, but I’m a firm believer in this as I went from BROKEN UP NO CONTACT with the man I would accept a ring from in a minute to having him say “I love you, I want to be with you,” and initiating ALL of our time together. This took less than two months. I’m a walking success story.
    Get the programs, work the programs.
    Love to you,


  55.  #55Amber on January 30, 2014 at 9:46 pm

    Andrea- 52

    Thank you! Best of luck to you. Truthfully (F) and (K) are for ‘practice.’ I still have a VERY hard time not leaning forward with (T) because I am emotionally invested in him. But I can’t argue with the successes so far since he has recently informed me, “I need to tell you that you’ve made a wonderful impact on me. Whatever you are doing is working.”
    We broke up four months ago because I was so focused on him and so unhappy overfunctioning. Cheers to being successful Siren and Goddess!

  56.  #56Starbright on January 30, 2014 at 11:22 pm


    Are you sharing your feelings? Rather than sharing good news, or giving him a gift or trying to plan things? It seems some simple sharing of feelings without blame or expectations could be really helpful here. It’s a good sign that he doesn’t want to break up. From all Rori says, guys don’t know how to do feelings and are even more scared than we are. They are attracted to our feelings if it isn’t blaming or out of control drama. Crying is ok with heart open…It seems to me with some little tweaks you could make it safe for him and also for yourself. Do you have some of rori’s programs and/or her book?

  57.  #57akasha on January 30, 2014 at 11:46 pm

    T. Bradley – I didnt realize there was a new post , thanks for the headsup ๐Ÿ™‚

    Dominique – I sent you an email!

    Shannon & Dominique – Since you guys kept saying I shouldn’t run away I decided to do just one teensy lean forward and then lean back. I thought that since I wasn’t responding to him he wouldn’t try to get in contact again. I sent him a message yesterday while I was out with my best friend. I said “oh you called I just saw?”. He called me back in 15 minutes. Kept asking where I was and who I was with. I was just giddy with life. He asked if I was drunk I said no why? He said you sound so free and loose and happy and I said I am drunk on life. Then he kept asking again where I was, I said out and with a friend. Then I said I have to hang up now, (keep it short and simple right?) and he asked again who I was with and I said a friend and he asked if it was a guy and I said well I gotta go and didn’t answer him. I felt so free when I hung up! Intentionally giving vague answers felt so freeing. In the past I always gave him every little tidbit of what I was doing. I guess I just squelched the fire.

    Anyways, this morning he called again and I didn’t see , then he called again. I answered. He said he was having nightmares about me for the past few days. I said oh about what, and he said he kept seeing things in which I was talking to other guys etc.!! Which is the truth! My energy has shifted. In my society, I can’t really go out and date around, but I have been CDing online and just little flirting with people I know. I guess he feels the energy shift??

    I said oh I have to get ready for work, I’ll call you later and I hung up.

    I didn’t call him back but in half an hour he called me again. He said ” you didn”t call me back??” I nonchalantly said, “oh I forgot”. He was in shock. I was trying to keep the conversation short and sweet. I kept saying ok then take care, and he kept trying to ask more stuff about my life like how my family and friends and cat was doing. He also said, “you know this is not easy for me, I can’t just move on like other people can”. I said hmmm hmm ok.

    Well that’s the gist. I hope I did everything right?

    I was open and friendly but didn’t give too much information. I am happy but not because of him, I just am!

    Any thoughts or pointers?

  58.  #58Starbright on January 31, 2014 at 12:17 am

    Akasha, Wow! You did great! It’s really good you have gotten yourself busy with your life!

    The only thing I would add is at times there can be a fine line between being sireny and a guy feeling like you are playing games.

    And, by that I don’t mean that one needs to reveal all…but if he asks to be honest. And, not sure if you meant to call him back? If you did forget fine, but if you didn’t I wouldn’t say I had.

    Also by saying you just saw he called…without “just saw” it would have been truthful – I see you called…

    Anyhow, he is obviously really intrigued by your energy and change in behavior! You’ve got some good things happening! Feel good about the shift and then since you asked consider my thoughts. I’m sure many other sirens will chime in!

    All the best!!!

  59.  #59Millie on January 31, 2014 at 12:35 am

    I texted my ex.
    I don’t know why I did it.
    I think I was feeling nostaglic.
    His reply didn’t make me feel good.
    It felt different.
    I regretted it immediately and deleted everything.
    It doesn’t erase what I did, but I feel stupid.
    I had no reason to do that, but boredom I guess, curiosity?

  60.  #60Mandy on January 31, 2014 at 1:57 am

    The ladies on here are so educated and in tune…

    I am so proud of all of you…

    for having the courage to come here and express yourselves…

    Much love….

  61.  #61akasha on January 31, 2014 at 2:57 am

    Starbright – thank you ๐Ÿ™‚ yes I could tweak it a bit, but I don’t want to be too openly honest, I have a problem with extremes. If I start talking, I have verbal diarhea and then I tell him everything and no intrigue no mystery. This is the first time ever since I have known him that he actually called back and said, hey did you forget? In the past it was always me that was overfunctioning and hanging on his every word.

    It feels so powerful. But I still have a long long long way to go. I know if we get back together all my insecurities and limiting beliefs are going to rear their heads so I need to take this nice and easy and actually be happy without him. I don’t want this to be another makeup with him that leads to another breakup. I want to go into this with my eyes wide open this time.

    I am proud of myself AT THIS MOMENT, but I need to work at it every second. Stop myself from thinking of him unless he is in front of me. Etc.

    As to everyone else regarding age, S is 6 years younger than me and in our society that is a BIIIIIG DEAL. But I realized that I don’t really care what people think, as long as you are in the same place in your lives, for example you work he works, you go to school he goes to school, then there isn’t really a problem. It’s all a matter of mindset rather than anything else I think. Do whatever makes you FEEL good as long as you are not hurting anyone else.


  62.  #62Zara on January 31, 2014 at 3:01 am

    “Alors on danse”
    “And so we dance” music and french text written in 2009 by Stromae

    My translation of his live in Bourges.
    Stromae: “When there’s no more…”

    The audience: “There’s more!”

    Stromae: “When there’s no more…”

    The audience: “There’s more!”

    Stromae: “And so we…
    We do what?… And so we…”

    The audience: ” dance!”

    Stromae: “And so we…”

    The audience: “dance!”

    Stromae: “And so we…”

    The audience: “dance!”

    Stromae: “And so we…”

    The audience: “dance!”

    “Who says studies is saying work, who says job is saying dough.
    Who says money is saying spending, who says credit is saying debt.
    Who says claim is saying bailiff who, himself, says : ยซsit in the sh*t.ยป
    Who says love is saying kids, is saying always and saying divorce.
    Who says kinship is saying mourning coz a problem never comes alone.
    Who says crisis is saying world, is saying famine and saying third world.
    Who says fatigue is saying awakening still deaf from the day before.
    And so we go out to forget all the problems and so we dance
    And so we dance
    (We do what in Bourges?)
    And so we dance
    Untill tomorrow
    And so we dance
    Untill tomorrow
    And so we dance
    We dance, we dance
    And then we dance
    And so we dance to forget
    And so we dance
    And so we dance
    And so we dance
    And there you think it’s all finished coz the only state worse than that would be death;
    When you finally think you are getting out of it, when there’s no more left…”

    The audience: “There’s still more!”

    “Is it the music or the problems, the problems or the music?
    It grabs your guts, it grabs your head and then you pray for it to stop.
    But it’s your body, it’s not the sky and so you cover your ears even more
    And there, you scream even louder but it persists and so we sing…”

    The audience: “La la la la la la la”

    Stromae: “Arms up”

    The audience: “La la la la la la la”

    Stromae: “We can do better”

    The audience: “La la la la la la la”

    Stromae: “One more time”

    The audience: “La la la la la la la”

    “And so we sing
    (Are you ready, Bourges?)
    And so we sing
    And then only when it’s finished,
    And so we dance
    And so we dance
    And so we dance
    Untill tomorrow
    And so we dance
    And so we dance
    One more time
    And so we dance
    We dance, we dance
    And then we dance
    And so we dance
    All the way to Bourges
    And so we dance
    And so we dance
    And when there is no more left
    Well, there’s still more.
    And when there is no more left…”

    The audience: “There’s still more!”

    Stromae: “When there is no more…”

    The audience: “There’s more!”

    “(Bourges! One last time!)
    When there is no more…”

    The audience: “There’s more!”

    “More more and then more
    Well, there’s still more
    Untill tomorrow
    Well, there’s still more
    Well, there’s still more
    More, more and more
    Well, there’s still more”


  63.  #63Kyla on January 31, 2014 at 5:02 am

    (((Millie))) look at sending the text as an experiment rather than a mistake. The results didn’t feel good and that’s valuable information for the next time. Its really good to experiment as it reinforces what feels best and what we want ๐Ÿ™‚

  64.  #64Dominique on January 31, 2014 at 5:29 am

    Indigo – 48 – Yes I understand. If you feel very clear that your man would not stray or cheat, then this is your stuff. If he’s blatantly ogling other women, chatting them up, then you could speak up. I would more wonder why you would be with someone like this. A good man may feel attraction for all kinds of women, yet he’s very clear who HIS woman is.

    These may help.


  65.  #65Dominique on January 31, 2014 at 5:29 am

  66.  #66Cris on January 31, 2014 at 5:32 am

    @Akasha and keep in mind he coming back is not the prize! The prize is you! And maybe for another man, not him. And you will feel much more free!! and relax!!


  67.  #67Dominique on January 31, 2014 at 5:35 am

    Kath – 50 – You cannot control him, what he does, what he feels. You can only take care of you. You went to him loaded with expectations, and yes I understand why. You feel desperate and desperately sad.

    Yet the only way this relationship can be saved if you even want to save it is to take ALL of your focus off of him, and go immerse yourself in YOU, rituals to make you feel sensual and good, activities which you enjoy, turn you on, people who make you smile.

    If he does anything which you like, TELL HIM. Melt, and tell him how good whatever it was made you feel. Smile at him as open heartedly as you can. When he says or does things which don’t feel so good, for now do your best to let it go.

    Maybe this will shift things. If nothing else, it will give you greater clarity.


  68.  #68T. Bradley on January 31, 2014 at 6:10 am

    This is the latest blog at least I think….lol….im new to this but enjoying it, and thought I sent that to you on the old blog…idk….anyway what time zone are you in or where do you reside? I see that your post timing is usually 3 hours behind mine… and as far as our situations being similiar the only thing is my ex dont call or text me. The last time we had a falling out he admitted that he enjoyed all the text I sent him even though he didnt respond. I just think he like the fact of me running behind him nut this time im not doing that!!!!

  69.  #69akasha on January 31, 2014 at 6:22 am

    T. Bradley, I am in Istanbul where are you ?

    I think my ex is totally in love with me but is very scared of commitment and responsibility so he just wants to hide his head in the sand about our problems. And I had such a problem with leaning forward and overfunctioning and trying to control him, I didn’t really give him a chance to BE THE MAN. But I won’t make that mistake again thanks to all of you Sirens here ๐Ÿ™‚

  70.  #70T. Bradley on January 31, 2014 at 6:24 am

    I just read the post you sent Kath and it was great! But how do you deal with someone that tells you how much he loves you, wanna marry you and have kids but always let his ex come into the picture?

  71.  #71T. Bradley on January 31, 2014 at 6:32 am

    I am in GA. I think my ex loves me and his ex. He just recently got a divorce, well it’ll be 2 years this year and for some reason he lets her control him. I dont know if its because she is 17 years older than him or what the deal is. I am really in love with this guy and he know it. He just all of a sudden told me not to contact him again because he had to follow his heart

  72.  #72akasha on January 31, 2014 at 6:36 am

    T. Bradley, GA as in Georgia, USA?

    hmm I don’t really have the hang of this siren thing yet BUT I think in all honesty you probably AT THE MOMENT need to move on. If he told you not to contact him, and if his heart leads him to her, I think you should start working on your self. Give all your love to yourself. Start seeing other people. Don’t you deserve to have someone love you as much as you love him? I don’t know what the future will bring but I think the biggest problem is that when we love someone more than they love us, we exude some kind of needy energy. I think we have to love ourselves first 100% and then give less than 100% love to a man. It’s the only way to keep your head about you and not get your heart broken. Just my 2 cents and I may be totally wrong, for sure someone else will chime in and correct me ๐Ÿ™‚

  73.  #73T. Bradley on January 31, 2014 at 7:10 am

    Yes Georgia, USA!!!! I know I need to move on but it’s hard when you love someone! I listened to what he said and this is the second time around. I can honestly feel myself moving on but it’s gonna take a little time because this is someone that I wanted to marry and have kids with. I have hopes of him coming back but at this point I dont know!

  74.  #74akasha on January 31, 2014 at 7:17 am

    T. Bradley, I grew up and lived in Florida for 26 years ๐Ÿ™‚ I totally understand what you are saying, you don’t even have to move on yuou just have to start loving yourself more, and then everything falls into place! I know its difficult.. Do you know Abraham Hicks or Byron Katie? That will help greatly. Also EFT. Everything is just a way for us to feel better. Some methods work for some and others work for others. You just have to find the right one for youself at this moment in time. Also read every post that Rori every made. That’s what I do in my free time ๐Ÿ™‚

  75.  #75T. Bradley on January 31, 2014 at 7:23 am

    Will do and thanks a bunch!!!!b Hope things work for you!

  76.  #76Lisa on January 31, 2014 at 7:26 am

    I feel bad that I can’t catch up with all the posts.. I’m teaching my child and working… but my <3 goes to all of you…

    I'm feeling weird today…. I think it is good…

    how gullible I can be when it comes to men…and how I'm changing all of this and my anger is helping me be more powerful on the inside…

    when a man tells me he isn't that tech savvy and he has an iPhone and uses it to take photos and videos… and set timers and text… it make me wonder… hummm he can't send me a photo….

    I also wonder when a man posts all his photos with sunglasses on… and then says it shouldn't matter he only looks at photos to see how fit someone is… hummm bye bye..

    I'm just to the point where I'm just too smart for the excuses…and if the right man comes along…there shouldn't be any reason why I can't see a photo of him….

    just blurting out…


  77.  #77Femininewoman on January 31, 2014 at 7:33 am

    Kath I read a lot of overfunctioning in 50. Men and most people are sensitive to tone and that is why many times we can’t hear the words. We feel the energy and are very sensitive to tone. People might not remember what you said but they do remember how you make them feel. The screaming might have made him feel shut down. Who knows he might have experienced that a lot from his mom. Just last week I was screaming at my 15 year old son and he told me he can’t hear me because I was screaming. If he wasn’t hurt by it in some way he would not be still emotionally shut.

    Also remember the woman is the emotional leader. Right now you are sad, desperate and wallowing in self pity. Most men don’t like feeling those emotions and you being shut off from your other emotions only leave him feeling shut off from his as well. Remember you are the juice in the relationship. Only when you do what Dominique recommends and at least in your mind give yourself the space to think of being in your forever relationship, forget about who with, just look forward to being there your vibe will shift.

    You just have to choose to believe that you can do this. Be stubborn with your belief even in the midst of all your crying.

  78.  #78Lisa on January 31, 2014 at 7:34 am


    this is just my experience with men looking… I use my gut to tell me if there is concern or not….if he is just glancing then it doesn’t hit my gut… and if he is making me feel secure and cherished it won’t matter… with “M” he even ask me once if he could look at the belly dancer… I thought that was sweet…

    when he started doing it more as in ooogling and long stares… and then I realized he was using it as a distancing thing… and I lean back when that happens…

    I’ve actually ask to be taken home once on a date with “R” b/c he was just doing it too much and it felt really disrespectful……

    For me and this is just my experience… I trust my intuition on these things… it hasn’t ever been wrong… but that is just me…

    I’ve also looked myself… and that was helpful…for me it is kind of circle dating…

    hopefully this post isn’t a trigger…. hope it isn’t out of place…

    sending <3


  79.  #79Indigo on January 31, 2014 at 8:44 am

    Thanks Lisa, that was actually extremely helpful xxx

  80.  #80LoveAlways on January 31, 2014 at 9:35 am

    I’ve been recognizing and avoiding the urge to overfunction all day thus far!!! HUGS to me! It feels so releasing to NOT overfunction. I can be in my boy energy and not overfunction. This is a new and exhilarating experience for me at this moment. It’s that moment of stopping . . .

  81.  #81Cupcake on January 31, 2014 at 10:07 am

    Liquid Light-

    I was curious and did some Googling on It’s Just Lunch. Yelp has a few reviews.

    I didn’t see anyone who was thrilled. I did see several people who wanted their money back.

    For what that is worth…

  82.  #82Andrea on January 31, 2014 at 10:59 am

    I’m feeling such a sadness today. It’s not a depressing sadness because of life circumstances, it’s more like one of those cleansing sadness’s.
    I read an article on about boquets for Valentine’s Day. It was a commentary about what certain types of boquets from your man signify. For instance the dozen red roses means he’s in love with you. Any other color roses means he definitely likes you and wants to continue to see where the relationship is heading. Your favorite flower means that he is caring and thoughtful and put forth the effort to find out what you really wanted. And if you get that bunch of flowers that you see every day when you walk into your grocery store?? Well, that means that he is your date for Valentine’s Day… but not much more than that.

    Anyway, you know, you can read what ever you want into articles like that. But it triggered this deeper kind of cleansing with in me. I feel sad because of my ex. He was my first long term relationship after 11 years of being single. We strived to make it work for 18 months. When we did finally for sure break up, I circular dated my ass off….. mainly to try and salvage my wounded ego. It worked.

    But I’ve taken a break from dating for a little while and now I feel a kind of calm sense of peace that I can work with in order to explore the deeper feelings of sadness and why my relationship with him didn’t work.

    The article about the flowers made me think of all of the tiny signals that he was giving off that he really wasn’t that into me all along. I got the grocery store boquet. I got dinners out, but only with him commenting on reciprocation, and I always had him over to my house for lunch or dinner afterward to try and appease him. I got so little…. so little from him… but I lapped it up.
    He said he loved me many times, but I allowed his words to over ride his actions. Or I should ammend that. I allowed my yearning for love to override all the clues that he gave me in real life that he wasn’t taking our relationship seriously.

    I feel sad because … I guess… I am feeling sad for that woman I used to be.

    Sirens??? Will you do this with me please?

    I take that woman into my arms. I fold her into me, clasp her to my chest, squeeze her so tight. I want her to know that she deserves to be really loved. That she is loved. I want her to feel the comfort and warmth and bonding that real love offers. The confidence and surety and groundedness and safety in that embrace. I’m so sad for her.

    I feel good about taking the time to explore all this right now. I don’t ever want to feel the way that I constantly felt in that old relationship.

    I think I might be scared to try again. Even though I circular dated, it feels like I purposefully dated men I just absolutely knew I’d have no connection with.

    I just realized this morning that sheesh…. that old relationship really did a number on my heart. I think I need to feel all this right now.

  83.  #83LoveAlways on January 31, 2014 at 11:28 am

    What an interesting day it has been feeling wise.

    I caught myself about to pass judgment on someone, and I really wanted to because I felt angry, I felt annoyed.

    I had a consultation scheduled (that was rescheduled numerous times) for which the other person was a no show!

    This is a self employed person like me, progressive business woman, etc. I was like WOW, really honey? No call no show??

    And then I caught myself, and I felt what I was honestly deeply feeling and I felt annoyed.

    But then I felt an understanding! I remember what it was like to have my life in disarray, all over the place, haphazardly functioning in my personal and business life . . . I meant well, and I was intelligent and very much worth the product I advertised, but I was a hot mess personally and that spilled over to affect my business affairs.

    I feel soft now. I know her life although I may not know her details. I lived that life.

    I feel so happy to have escaped that confusion and to have moved forward and upward to a more solid and happy existence. Not so much that others don’t view me as unreliable or not together, but I feel good not viewing myself that way!

    Breathe, and move on to the next feeling.

    Okay, back to work. I’ll read and catch up on the blog later on.

    Enjoy the day sirens.



  84.  #84Lisa on January 31, 2014 at 11:34 am

    I’m feeling shakey today… like really shaking… my hands are shaking…. and I feel so strange…

    I’m feeling fearful too and for not reason, like hyper aware…. maybe my vulnerablility is bring up fears… of being beaten and fear of trusting men unless I’m in my masculine energy…

    I don’t know… wish a someone was psychic enough to tell me what is going on… it is kind of concerning….

    maybe I’m afraid of masculine men…. and I attract feminine men ( self centered men) b/c that is safer?

    Maybe part of me is scared to totally be feminine and feel vulnerable b/c of being violated so much in my life…. I don’t know… I’m just blurting out…

    underneath anger is fear… so that makes sense…

    could be my vertigo acting up… i’m feeling kind of dizzy headed today…

    some days I just want to go to bed and curl up and cry and sleep…. don’t know why…

    maybe I don’t know what men I can trust…


  85.  #85T. Bradley on January 31, 2014 at 11:35 am

    I wish I could circular date to help get over my ex. I think part of my probelm is im to picky!!!!!! I really do care for this guy and he knows it but I guess he still loves his ex and hopes to be back with her! Sad but true!

  86.  #86cupcake on January 31, 2014 at 11:44 am

    Andrea #82


    Reading your post made me sad, and it made me feel proud of you at the same time.

    You will never invest in grocery store bouquet men again.

    Now, I do think it is possible that some men just need to be educated about flowers. But — you will know the difference, moving forward, between someone who needs an education and someone who just deals at that level.

    It is going to be okay. You radiate love and loveableness, if that is a word.

    It is all coming together for you.

  87.  #87Andrea on January 31, 2014 at 12:34 pm

    Thanks girls… : )
    Okay, I just found another article on msn… ooohhh…it’s a good one.

    I wonder if this link will work.

  88.  #88Dominique on January 31, 2014 at 12:38 pm

    I don’t want to focus on the grocery store flowers so much mainly because it wasn’t Andrea’s focus, yet I want to point out that grocery store flowers are not necessarily inferior, and it’s not necessarily the lazy way to go.

    K buys me flowers from the grocery store, and they not only last longer than any florist purchase I have received before, they are just as pretty.

    So the wrapping isn’t as nice. It gets thrown away anyway. I love my grocery store flowers, mostly though because K chose them for me and because this is one tiny way he shows his love.

    It isn’t really about the flowers; it’s about how he cherishes and adores me.

    It’s about how your man cherishes and adores you, how he looks at you, touches you, makes love to you, and so on.


  89.  #89Magaly on January 31, 2014 at 12:40 pm

    Excellent Amber! (52 comment) You did a great job! And I can tell you that I feel powerful just to read you! If I could read before what you wrote here I hadn’t done the mistake I did with (G), asking him if we were in a relationship or not (after 6 weeks dating and talking every day, after some physical closeness) ๐Ÿ™
    And now he just pulled away
    However, good for you and for that courage Amber!


  90.  #90Shannon on January 31, 2014 at 12:44 pm

    Andrea, I’m in that circle, holding that precious woman who was just doing her best and being her best and didn’t have all of the information yet. She’s so beautiful and magical! Look how lovely she is! She’s so strong. She faced such adversity and such disinterest, and she hung in there. She’s got fidelity down to a science, and now she knows how to channel that fidelity into herself!

    Amazing! Phenomenal!

  91.  #91Tereana on January 31, 2014 at 12:52 pm

    Kyla – that’s awesome. Keratin doesn’t sound as extreme as some treatments. But you’re right I was a little triggered lol. I guess I was kind of raised that the “best” way to be beautiful is to do absolutely nothing to your appearance.

    But this doesn’t really work for me at all. I actually LOVE spending time making myself look lovely and then appreciating the results. I was made to feel guilty for wanting to wear makeup as a child, but honestly, I just think it’s fun and it looks pretty. So why not?

    There is a fine line between beautifying and trying to be something you’re not. But it’s ultimately an art in dealing with what IS about yourself. And this is when you look most beautiful.

    I’ve even come to embrace the “frizz” a little bit. I’ve realized that what looked really problematic to me actually is just a very natural part of my hair. I looked at a friend with a similar hair texture and I barely noticed “frizz.” All I saw were her curls. So I let the curls come together and automatically I don’t worry about frizz.

    This is just my process. And the cool thing is, everyone’s curly hair is different!

    I didn’t mean to write so much again.

    Just heading home a little early from work. My eyes were hurting and I need rest. I have not been sleeping much this week. Maybe the New Moon kept me up last night.

    Happy Lunar New Year!!

  92.  #92Amber on January 31, 2014 at 12:59 pm

    Regarding the ex issue. I dont feel this is something that can be controlled. Remember that men almost always do what they want, and actions ALWAYS (should) speak louder than words. My best advice is to focus entirely on yourself. Remember it’s all about YOU. YOU are the prize. If he feels the energy shift and comes back (and you still want him) be open and receptive. Use feeling messages and really reinforce everything that he does that makes you happy. I would never mention the ex again. She doesnt matter, really. If he wants to be with you, he’ll be with you. If he wants to be with her, he will do that. I am aware that T is still involved with the woman he started dating when we were broken up. Or maybe he’s not, i never ask about her anymore. My focus is on making myself happy. As long as HE continues to make me happy and give me what I need, SHE doesn’t matter at all. I know there will come a day when 1)She gets tired of him not fully committing to her and walks away, 2) I get tired of him not fully committing to me and I walk away 3) He decides to fully commit to me and we live happily ever after. All of these are possible scenarios. I have done a lot of soul searching and i am okay with all of them. I am still dating other people and if soneone amazing comes along option two will be easy.
    Love to you

  93.  #93Tereana on January 31, 2014 at 1:01 pm

    (((Lisa))) – 34

    I’m noticing a number of ladies here posting about having strong feelings. Now, this is the New Moon and the lunar new year of the year of the Horse. I’m not a “fruity” about everything, but everything I keep reading says that this is a very powerful time, energetically. What does that mean, exactly? I’m not sure I know. I know that the moon is out closest “neighbor” and so it exterts a certain gravitational pull on us. This *can* affect us, and even more so if we are sensitive. So this could have something to do with it. Just a thought.

    And then you can follow those feelings down the rabbit hole and see what is there. Probably you will get to a new feeling. Or maybe a tea party : )

  94.  #94Kyla on January 31, 2014 at 1:14 pm

    Kung Hei Fat Choy ๐Ÿ™‚

    Home early from work to get ready for date with Archer.. hmmm.. I feel excited!

    I feel happy sadness all today.. not sure what word describes it.. R sent me an email this morning full of love with a link to a piece of music he would play for me when I was feeling stressed and another link to a song he used to sing softly to me outside under the moon when I was feeling sad. I felt so moved and this feeling of a solid weight in my chest, with molten liquid centre, expanding and dissolving and warmth spreading slowly through my torso and filling me up.. I felt tears streaming down my cheeks and my mouth was.. smiling.. I felt release.. I feel tears again now and I feel love and forgiveness, mostly for me.. I didn’t realise how much anger I was still directing at me..

    And I feel silly and laughing at myself that I want to text DrWho, wtf girl you know better! Lol!

  95.  #95T. Bradley on January 31, 2014 at 1:37 pm

    I love it, I love it!!!!!!!! A friend of mine said the same thing to me as far as the ex. He told me that she shouldn’t matter!!!!! I guess what bothered me so is him wanting a family and saying she wasn’t willing to do that because of her age. If things change for us and he start back calling I promised I would never mention the ex again. It seems when we start doing better she either calls bickering at him or gets mad and calls me with all the crap of him wanting her and will always love her!!! But now that Ive been up here chatting with you ladies I feel so open to dating other guys and if we happen to hook back up fine and if not thats fine too!!!

  96.  #96Andrea on January 31, 2014 at 2:15 pm

    So right Dominique.. and it wasn’t the fact that they were grocery store flowers… I buy them for myself a lot. But the fact that they were a gift for that all important.. Valentine’s Day.

    I am chagrined to admit to the gift I gave him on V-Day.. and the amount of money I spent on it… argh!! : (

    And… oh thank you, thank you, thank you Shannon.

  97.  #97Smile on January 31, 2014 at 2:43 pm

    Hi sirens,

    Why why why when I’m at my happiest ever, feeling loved and cherished day in and out to the moon and back does my ex of 10yrs ask to meet? We keep in touch like happy Xmas happy bday etc and through some mutual friends but we’ve not seen each other in 3 years?
    I’ve provisionally agreed to meet him, said I’d confirm nearer time. Were both in relationships, he’s been with someone else for nearly 6 years now.
    I feel a little curious but uncomfortable about meeting him without telling amb? I know I would hate for amb to meet his ex. Feeling unsure.

  98.  #98Shannon on January 31, 2014 at 2:53 pm

    Smile, I mean no disrespect, but why would you bother?

    What good can possibly come out of this? Where’s the advantage to your current relationship? Where’s the advantage to possibly stirring up old feelings?

    You’re happy. Just say “no, please stop contacting me”.

    There’s no advantage in this for anyone. I wonder what the heck even HE is thinking.

  99.  #99Smile on January 31, 2014 at 3:11 pm

    I suppose we don’t have the ‘horrible’ I hate you ex thing that most people have and that I have with 2 of my exes but with this ex, it’s different? I love him and always will but I’m certainly not ‘in love with him’ no attraction or regret or ‘the possibility of anything’ going on for me here at all. I suppose to see him would be for a ‘catch up’? We’ve always been in contact via texts. Now when strumming man contacted me it was an out right !!#*! No lol. But that’s because I still felt hurt and had feelings for him.

  100.  #100Shannon on January 31, 2014 at 3:15 pm

    Okay, but still, what’s the point? If you felt fine with it, you’d just tell your current beau and not have any discomfort with it. If it feels like sneaking around, and it feels uncomfortable and uncertain, why do it?

    Is this ex worth losing your current man for? That’s what you ultimately have to ask yourself. Is catching up with him worth the possibility of your current man finding out you’ve met with an ex behind his back and the potential aftermath of that?

  101.  #101Amber on January 31, 2014 at 3:40 pm

    I can argue this both ways. I have exes that i love and am friends with. I dont hide them from (T) but I dont advertise them, either. He’s very unconfortable with them and I NEVER meet them one on one alone. I always arrange for it to be a group situation. Exes seem to pose a more real threat than the other, newer men I’m dating. I guess i’d say go with your gut. If you have any inkling that this could sabotoge your current happiness, think long and hatd before you do it.

    @T.Bradley- You’re so welcome! I am not at all a jealous person so as long as I GET WHAT I WANT, I really dont care. I just keep rrminding myself that it’s all about ME!

  102.  #102Liquid Light on January 31, 2014 at 4:24 pm

    I played golf today with a guy I met a couple weeks ago. It was so fun! I loved the no pressure aspect of it all. I also met another woman who was golfing with his friend. She’s a sweetheart and is learning to play golf too and we are going to keep in touch. It was a blast. He’s coming to happy hour later as I told him I would be there. He’s v social and fun, such a relief to be around someone who’s so easy going and fun. He feels like an old friend even though we just met.

  103.  #103Liquid Light on January 31, 2014 at 4:25 pm

    OH yeah, I’m going to wear my new beige heels to happy hour. They are HOT!!!

  104.  #104Lisa on January 31, 2014 at 6:39 pm

    I’ve had fear all day, not really fear in my usual way but nervousness, shaky hands… very sensitive and vulnerable…. in a kind of clumsy way…. hard explain

    When “D” called the other night… it started something inside of me…. I felt sad…and hurt and strangely like a break up…

    I don’t know why I have feelings for this man, but I do… and I don’t know if it was him pulling back and me pulling further back that set it all in motion…

    doesn’t matter really what matters is what is going on inside me…

    I’ve listened to Helena’s radio talk 3 times now… and I do the tools and I don’t chase me… but I might push them away with my “I’m not reachable until you prove yourself to me” attitude…

    I think I might come off as distant and unattached…

    But when I listed to the radio show again and again around the 20 mins… the part about how attrative women push men away with their “I go after what I want” energy… and just the pursuit of a relationship Cat was saying is enough to push good men away…

    so I can do the tools, I receive, I’m feminine, I don’t interrupt, I’m respectful, soft, but I still have this “seeking and find” energy… and I’ve been told by my ex that I have this “I’m going to only let you get so close to me” energy…

    So, the fact that I’m constantly reading books about men, dating, relationships, I’m in this research and find a cure mode… and somehow and maybe you siren’s can elaborate on this.. even though I’m not doing it while I’m with them.. maybe they can sense my “seeking a relationship” energy…

    I might have this “I’m going to master the art of men” attitude…

    When I put my mind to something to cure it, find an answer or find a way to get it, I usually do…

    and though my boy energy is not coming out on the dates, could be they are picking up on the “I’m going to find a life partner if it kills me” energy…

    I don’t know… Cat was saying one the shift happens they start seeing other men… so I wasn’t clear on what shift…


    What I do know is I’m good at attracting them, bringing them in… and then something happens.. I might shut down…

    oh the tears came down… I don’t want to love someone that doesn’t love me back… I don’t want to fall for him, if he can’t love me back.. and maybe that puts a wall up… but isn’t that what really brings a man closer…?? us being so vulnerable that we can love them and not expect them to love us back?

    cra^p I’m so exhausted from trying to constantly figure this out…

    I really loved the part in the interview where Cat was talking about what men do and that they are confused about how to be masculine too… I wish more books and radio shows talked about the male side of this… I found that very helpful for me…


  105.  #105Cupcake on January 31, 2014 at 6:41 pm

    Nobody around? Sheesh.

    I’m in bed with food poisoning. Was hoping one or two of you Sirens would have just come back from a lovely date and would tell me all about it so I can stop lying here in bed wondering what life in the outside world is like.

    Such a weird week for me…two and a half days of near Martial Law lockdown in this city because of the THREAT of bad weather, which didn’t really happen. And then two days lost to food poisoning.

    So I feel like I’ve just awakened from a coma, although I am still really dizzy.

    The idea of there even being men in the world, and that they are at all important, feels bizarrely remote to me right now.

    But you, ladies, you feel important to me. I miss your words, your energy, your presences.

  106.  #106Lisa on January 31, 2014 at 6:56 pm

    maybe my need to give up… is my need to stop seeking a relationship……?


  107.  #107Lisa on January 31, 2014 at 6:58 pm

    Oh cupcake!!! {{{hugs}}} if I may suggest activated charcoal will take the poison out of your body quickly……

    Feel better!!!



  108.  #108Lisa on January 31, 2014 at 7:02 pm

    @Tereana #92 Awww thanks! you most likely are right… and thanks!!! so much!!! for supporting my taking my feelings down the rabbit hole! OMG that feels so good to have that supported!!


  109.  #109Femininewoman on January 31, 2014 at 7:09 pm

    aaawww Cupcake

  110.  #110Femininewoman on January 31, 2014 at 7:16 pm

    Smile how about both of you go meet him

  111.  #111Syreena on January 31, 2014 at 7:36 pm

    Just not feeling it for one of my circular dates in a romantic way. He has shown acts of kindness and stepped up in a few ways, Eager to arrange future dates. Slightly pushy towards the physical. Respected my wishes although grumpily to move slower. I quite enjoyed affectionate hand holding at first and kisses ok. Instead of growing chemistry, it feels more like friendship though. Although I know he feels lustful towards me. I am starting to feel irritated and squirmy, instead of tingly when I am with him. No tingles. And his kisses now feel icky and I don’t really want him to kiss me. I do not like his facial hair it feel scratchy and yucky and makes me cringe. Also hate it when he tries to stick his tongue in my mouth. I am starting to feel obligated to kiss him and have him touch me stroke my hand etc. I know that I like these things when I feel mentally, emotionally and spiritually connected, I like the physical then and my body tingles and I respond. I would like to keep this man in my life as a friend I like him. I find him intellectually stimulating and mainly good and kind. I know he is not my man though. Og gosh, how do i do the speech? He has already told me he gets jealous and has been trying to keep tabs on what I am doing a little. I don’t want any problems. I am starting to feel anxious and nervous. Neither of us have invested much here, so in theory should be easy to end. Not sure the reality will be so easy as the theory. I would like to keep him as a friend but am ok if he doesn’t want that. What I don’t want is unwanted pursuit or revenge for my rejection of his advances. I said I felt more than friendship earlier as I did. I don’t any more though. I need a speech, feel anxious. Feel tempted to do the slow fade. So can see why men do that to women rather than tell them.

  112.  #112Syreena on January 31, 2014 at 7:55 pm

    Had three past circular dating men all come back into my life lately and rejected two of them. Felt easy to reject then though as it felt obvious they just wanted to get me into bed without much else. This other one wants me to be his girlfriend and has treated me the best. So it doesn’t feel as easy to reject his advances. I didn’t want the other two in my life at all so felt easy. This man does want to be a boyfriend and in a relationship. I believe the others just wanted my body as they just kept going on about my looks constantly from the first moment we met. saying they really liked me. How on earth can anyone really like someone they have just met and only taken out a few times and push to get them into bed? That one is beyond me? Felt easy to send them packing. I don’t want to send this one packing, just don’t want to be his girlfriend or get physical. Sigh!

  113.  #113Olivia on January 31, 2014 at 8:30 pm

    Some of my fixes from the past year (it’s been a big one for me!):

    1- The ” put away three things” or clean for “just two minutes” rule. Once I start I usually keep going. A little every day has helped.

    2 – Getting organized at work. I have a job that requires a complex to-do list and I finally figured out a system that works for me (after much trial and error). Tremendous weight off my shoulders!

    3. Working out twice a week. The website “zenhabits” helped me develop this habit. I shoot for two weekly workouts in my apartment using the website “fitness blender” (free!) and it’s just become something I do now without much thought. Only ten to thirty minute workouts. And I’m getting so fit!

    Happy weekend y’all!


  114.  #114Lisa on January 31, 2014 at 8:50 pm

    I just read this tonight I loved it…

    We were born in one day, We die in one day, we can change in one day, and we can fall in love in one day. Anything can happen in one day!

    lots came up tonight… I sang which I love to do and don’t do much…

    and I heard It’s never going to happen for me… and I started to cry and release and as soon as I did… fear!!! stopped it in it’s track… fear of my “the one” being someone like “G” who is old in his ways, set in his ways, totally grosses me out physically and acts like I’m a challenge….

    This is the same thing that stops me cold at night from falling asleep… same block that comes up and shuts things down…

    I don’t know what to do with this wall… that just quickly comes up and stops my sleep, my letting to….

    important info to have…. though I wish I knew what the wall really was trying to do… what it needs…..

    See my inner child is a very very wise little girl, she always has been… she has been able to see the future at a young age… I used to tell my mom something was going to happen and 3 days latter it would…

    and she knows that if I let go… it will happen… and she stops me from letting go…as for tonight with the fear of having to have someone like “G” as The One……

    Frankly I’d rather go back to “M” than to have “G” or I’d rather wait for “D” than to have “G”…

    so I’m clearer.. just don’t know what to do with this wall that closes things up…

    maybe this wall happens when I’m with men that might be someone I could fall for?

    I’m tired… night all


  115.  #115Millie on January 31, 2014 at 9:30 pm

    Andrea I like your flower post (hugs)

  116.  #116Millie on January 31, 2014 at 9:39 pm

    What you ladies think about this…..about sharing how you feel about a man when he isn’t pursuing you? I’ve been thinking about this…and I think saying you have feelings for a man or telling a man you LIKE a man more than a friend when he isn’t pursuing you is kind of like taking yourself out of the game…It’s like having a celebrity crush sort of…..You can lust and like and want a celebrity but they haven’t done anything to win your affection. I’m thinking that telling a friend you LIKE them is along the same lines….He hasn’t DONE anything to win your feelings, so wouldn’t it be like putting the cart before the horse to feel that? If we are talking about level of difficulty…shouldn’t your feelings grow in relation to what a man does for you and how he makes you feel in the process? If he’s not doing anything, then sharing your feelings would be leaning forward? Right? I’m just processing….I’m considering telling someone I like them as more than a friend. Although if I want to be pursued, then would that be taking the chase out? Not there really is a chase happening, but I’m just wondering.

  117.  #117Helena Hart on January 31, 2014 at 9:52 pm

    Millie – 115 – I agree, and I love this question: “Shouldnโ€™t your feelings grow in relation to what a man does for you and how he makes you feel in the process?”

    In my opinion the answer is YES! If you can hook up “chemistry” and how you feel about a man with when he’s acting loving and wonderful – and moving towards you – then you’ve really got something! This goes along the same lines as when his lack of masculine action towards you causes you to get bored with him and lose interest.

    Love, Helena

  118.  #118Andrea on January 31, 2014 at 11:38 pm

    “I could have danced all night. I could have danced all night. And still have begged for more. I could have spread my wings, and done a million things, I’d never done before…”

    I met someone. I went to karoake place, just cause I heard a rumour that it was a good dj. I hadn’t planned on stopping there but it was on my way home so I peeked in. I saw a group of ladies sitting at a table and just walked up to them and asked if I could join them. I told them I just don’t feel comfortable being out by myself. They welcomed me in and we got to know each other and laughed and had a blast.

    A man came up to the table and was an obvious friend to all of the ladies. Well, I was having so much fun, that as each of the other ladies left, I remained.
    And so did the man. He asked me if he could buy me a drink…. yes.
    He asked me if I would like to dance… yes.
    We both sing Karoake.
    He taught me two step.

    It was just under an hour that we actually spent any time alone, but it felt so good.

    He asked me for my phone number. I gave it to him. Then I caught him in the lobby doing a little jig. I laughed and he blushed and said.. “I got a girls phone number.” And he smiled so big.

    In the ball room, there was a big band going on. He said, “Let’s sneak in there and I’ll show you some more dance steps.”

    So we threw our coats on a table and he took me out to the dance floor and we danced. He told me, “You know, you might not think that you’re a good dancer, but you have a gift that most women don’t have…. you lean back. You let me lead.”

    I said, “I feel like I’m floating when I’m in your arms.”

    His smile was so big.

    I was charmed. I was charmed. He asked me if he could kiss me on my cheek. I gave him my cheek. Then I giggled and told him I better get home.

    It was perfect.

    I’m still smiling.

  119.  #119Lisa on February 1, 2014 at 12:21 am

    I can’t sleep… again!!!

    @Helena “In my opinion the answer is YES! If you can hook up โ€œchemistryโ€ and how you feel about a man with when heโ€™s acting loving and wonderful โ€“ and moving towards you โ€“ then youโ€™ve really got something! This goes along the same lines as when his lack of masculine action towards you causes you to get bored with him and lose interest. ” This is me… when they come towards me ( and the more masculine the more it turns me on) and when they don’t or they act feminine.. it turns me off!

    I’m crying tonight …… b/c deep down inside… I feel :” He just isn’t out there… looking for me… longing for me… dreaming of me… or even working hard to get to me…… I just don’t believe it….”

    I’m reading books, searching my soul and working harder to be more feminine and deep down inside… I just don’t think he is out there… so I’m trying to make it happen ……

    just sayin


  120.  #120Amber on February 1, 2014 at 1:06 am

    Please bear with me, Sirens, i just need to let this flow out…
    I did a silly thing tonight. Or perhaps it was a test. You failed, sir. You failed completely. Your words say “i love you, i want you.” Your actions say, “stay away, you scare me.” I am tired of this rubber band game. I dont want to play anymore. I dont know if I’ll ever want to play with you again. I feel so sad. I feel so disconnected from you. I feel so happy, i have so many supportive, caring people in my life. I want you to be one of them. What do you think? It doesnt matter what you say, only what you do. Tonight you were cold, frigid. How appropriate that I watched THAT particular movie afterwards. Two girls use their love and emotions to save their world. I can do this. I can let you fade from my life. I feel afraid nothing will ever change. Afraid your love will always be just out of my reach. I dont want to feel this way with you. What do you think? I feel angry and hurt. You are BLACKLISTED! I will not receive your texts. Your calls go directly to voicemail. My phone WILL NOT acknowledge you, just as you do not acknowledge me. I feel powerful and crushed. I have no tears to shed. I will not curl up, i will not die. I will feel this RIGHTEOUS ANGER and i will REVEL in it until the feeling falls to the bottom of the soup. I am NOT AFRAID TO FEEL. If you fear my feelings that is YOUR PROBLEM. I WILL FEEL THEM, I WILL EXPRESS THEM. You are a small, insignificant ant in my beautiful meadow and ants are a dime a dozen. Ants can be crushed beneath my heel and swept from my path. I feel sorry that you choose to be an ant instead of MY MAN. But it is YOUR CHOICE! I heard your NO this evening. Though it wasnt spoken in words i HEARD IT. I ACCEPT IT. The strong, angry, beautiful POWERFUL stranger in me hopes that you regret it with your last breath. I AM AMAZING. I can no longer invest in a man who cannot rise to my level. BEGONE, PEASANT, for I am a GODDESS, and YOU, in your CRINGING COWARDICE are not fit to worship at my feet. I CAST YOU AWAY from the alter of my love. Return not, except with a whole and courageous heart, for I can accept nothing less than that.
    Thank you, Sirens. I feel better.

  121.  #121Indigo on February 1, 2014 at 3:20 am

    Dominique 88,

    I agree with you. I’m passionate about flowers, and it’s so not a male thing that I’m thrilled beyond belief if they buy me flowers at all.

    So what if they’re from the grocery store and not an expensive florist? I’ve always preferred the “wild” flower look to the picture perfect one, and my most treasured gifts have come from simple thoughtfulness, not expense. It makes my heart absolutely leap with joy when a man comes home with a chocolate or a small simple gift that he picked up on his way home to make me smile.

  122.  #122Indigo on February 1, 2014 at 3:56 am


    I found your post #91 very inspiring.

  123.  #123Indigo on February 1, 2014 at 4:10 am

    Lisa 103,

    “so I can do the tools, I receive, Iโ€™m feminine, I donโ€™t interrupt, Iโ€™m respectful, soft, but I still have this โ€œseeking and findโ€ energyโ€ฆ”

    Yes, I agree with Helena here. I am at a place in my life now where I am very much “whatever”, easy breezy, focusing primarily on what’s best for me and not worried about whether a relationship materializes in the slightest. And it feels good. I feel confident (and I feel that this knowledge has always been there) that “the one” will show up when the time is right and not a minute before. I don’t have a seeking energy at all, if that makes sense.

    And men are chasing me down wanting to be in a relationship, telling me that their feelings for me are stronger than mine for them. And still I’m not overly bothered or affected by that. I realize this is a healing thing for me.

  124.  #124Epiphyllum on February 1, 2014 at 4:15 am

    #117 Andrea,

    That’s so sireny beautiful!
    It feels so romantic to read.
    Wishing you luck with this one!

  125.  #125Indigo on February 1, 2014 at 4:25 am

    Millie 115,

    Yes yes!!

    I don’t believe in sharing romantic feelings with a guy friend unless he has first expressed his towards you. I feel as if this would be a sure-fire route to overfunctioning, rejection and lowering your value.

    I believe it is ok to encourage a male friend in a feminine way by responding warmly and positively to him, opening up to him and accepting invitations, but I absolutely believe the initiative for taking things to the next level should come from him. If you display your romantic feelings first, he won’t feel that he has anything to earn or fight for.

  126.  #126Indigo on February 1, 2014 at 4:29 am

    Amber 119,

    LOVE IT.

    Very powerful. Not that I would ever say that to another human, but I have often thought that.

  127.  #127Shannon on February 1, 2014 at 5:52 am

    Millie, 115…

    I agree, but I disagree. I love something that Mathew Hussey teaches, and I think it might help you out a little.

    He uses an example, so I’ll sort of echo it. Let’s say your “friend” comes out and he’s wearing a nice shirt.

    So you look at him, and you say, “You can’t wear that shirt.”

    He’ll stop and say, “What? Why not?”

    You, “Because you look hot in it, and I can’t see you that way. I’m not supposed to see you that way. So you should take it off. In fact, just go take it off right now.”

    So now how does he feel? He feels sexy, and he hears you seeing him THAT WAY… but he also feels kind of naughty. He’s doing something he’s not supposed to do by looking sexy… and men LOVE to feel naughty (let’s not lie, they do!).

    In this way, you’re not directly saying, “I want more with you,” but you’re getting the thought there of sexual attraction. You could even “siren speak” this and say it like this, “Because I feel attracted to you when you’re wearing there, and I’m not supposed to feel that way.”

    I adore Rori, but I do think that sometimes you can deviate from it a little bit, you know? Maybe start making him feel naughty in a sexy way… let your words be those of “just a friend” saying, “stop being sexy around me!”… and in so doing, put the thought of you as a sexual being into his head at the same time.

  128.  #128Shannon on February 1, 2014 at 6:01 am

    Lisa, honey, have you done The Work on this feeling that “There’s no one there for me”? Or is it, “He isn’t out there”? Do this with deep thought and focus on each individual question before you move on…

    It seems like you need to ask yourself these questions. Is it TRUE that he’s not out there for you? Can you be absolutely SURE that he’s not out there, waiting and hoping for you?

    And how do you feel when you believe this thought that there’s no one there who’ll love you? How do you treat yourself? How do you treat others? What addictions do you exercise and indulge in?

    Now, who would you be without the thought that there’s no one out there waiting for you, no one wanting to love you, no one working to be ready for you? How do you feel inside, just sitting there right now without the possibility of thinking that thought? Who are you, without that thought?

    Now, can you see how amazing you are? Can you see how there HAS to be someone who can love such an amazing person?

    And now, can you see how, by focusing on “getting a man”, you’ve got all of your focus on him and you’re working for HIM, not for YOU?

    Last, but not least, of course there’s someone out there for you. Can you see it? How could the great creative intelligence that made you, do it without making your deepest heart’s desire possible?

    *HUGS for you*

  129.  #129Lisa on February 1, 2014 at 7:26 am

    @ Shannon….<3 That is so wonderful of you!!! I have done TheWork on that one and need to do it more!!….though I cried lots early this morning… and got some relief … but yes, thanks for helping with that… I do need to do TheWork on that one… b/c it could be causing me to pass by some really good men…

    on the upside of this morning without much sleep… ( going without sleep is getting really OLD) I'm reading calling in the one…

    and I've found my answer : here is the snippet from the book…. "she asked me what
    I was avoiding by choosing to be alone in life. The question startled me. I had so longed for a healthy,committed partnership with a man whom I could love and respect that I hadnโ€™t even considered that I might actually be invested in being alone. Yet, as much as the question irritated me, I had to confess that the idea resonated as true. The more I sat with it, the more I realized that I loved my freedom, in spite of my complaints to the contrary. I loved not being accountable to anyone. I loved keeping my options open. In fact, I had to admit that I was terrified of being emotionally dependent on anyone, and vulnerable to the possibility of being left.
    Now, I became a psychotherapist from the inside out. Helping others to heal was a natural
    outgrowth of how Iโ€™d been healing myself for close to fifteen years by this time. Believe me, at this point I knew my issues backwards and forwards, and had most of the answers to my own perplexing questions and broken-hearted dilemmas. However, I hadnโ€™t yet made the leap of using the insights I had to catapult myself into playing full out in life. I had not yet been willing to surrender hook, line, and sinker to the risk of love. I was still trying to protect myself from being disappointed in ways similar to how Iโ€™d been disappointed in childhood. All this time Iโ€™d been pining for love and complaining about the lack thereof, and yet Iโ€™d been too scared to open up my heart again and get back on the horse. ""

    There we have it!!! I'm so cleaver just like this lady in the book that, I can psychoanalyze myself and have been for years… but I haven't yet used it to jump into life fully hook, line and sinker.. funny how I started back fishing this past year with "M". "D" fishes and liked it b/c I do too.. and yet I'm doing exactly what you don't do if you want to catch a fish, put the hook, line and sinker into the water fully!!!

    I'm still protecting myself in tiny ways that no one can see… I've planned it out so well… and I'm a victim of my own self!!! I didn't even know what my inner child was doing…

    WOW!!! WOW! I have my answer!!!

    this was also in the book. I loved it and thought I'd share!
    "The important thing is to be able at any moment to sacrifice what we are for what we could become." by Charles Dubois


  130.  #130Lisa on February 1, 2014 at 8:27 am

    @Shannon I agree about deviating….

    I do cute little comments that make them feel sexy and naughty and even sometimes say You bad boy!

    the other night on the phone with “D” he was talking about the spot on my neck he found that makes me melt…. and so in a cute soft voice.. I said shhhhhh! you can’t tell anyone about that spot…

    I think they like the playful stuff too…in a cute and sassy way sometimes….


  131.  #131Andrea on February 1, 2014 at 8:59 am

    He called me!! At 9:30 this morning he called and he asked me out on a date for tonight.

    I was so charmed. He said he wanted to call me as early as possible so he could ask me and then get the reservation for tonight.

    He asked if I’d like to go singing again. I said it felt so fun and wonderful last night to sing and dance, but I also feel curious about him and sometimes it’s nice to have a quiet place to just talk, what did he think.

    He said, “That’s exactly what I had in mind.”

    So he picked the restaurant and we are going to have a real sit down date tonight.

    I feel charmed. And happy and energetic. I’m excited because he is the type of man that I want to attract. He is the first of my new string of CD’s. The kind of men that I feel smily and joyful and happy around.

    ps. (As I was leaving the Karoake place last night, one of my married male karoake friends came up to me and whispered.. “Hey, how did you get a date with (him) ??” I said, “I just met him tonight, here.”
    My friend said, “Oh my gosh Andrea. He’s one of those investors in the oil wells over there in Minot, North Dakota. I’m just saying… he’s worth a lot of money.”
    He said, “I’m just trying to take care of you.”

    ???? I don’t know what that exchange was all about.
    So, here’s my question… I feel very natural and fun and flowing about the whole situation, but is there some kind of… mentality, or some kind of thing I need to watch out for if a man is worth a whole lot of money? I mean, this guy doesn’t act like it at all.

    Should I just tuck that knowledge away? I mean finances is absolutely not a topic for first date stuff. Right?? I don’t even want to ask him that age old question… “What do you do for a living?”
    I just want to know someone new.
    But does anyone have some really good questions that I can use to prompt our discussions tonight to lead to… his values, what is fun for him, what makes him want to get up and enjoy a day…

    You know?? I want to CD differently now. Before I always use to “brag” on myself and try to impress a man with all of my “greatness”.. ugh… so exhausting. Now I want to listen to him, try to get a sense of the humanity with in him, and try to see if maybe he’s someone I could really like.

  132.  #132Helena Hart on February 1, 2014 at 9:18 am

    Indigo – 122 – This is the “vibe” that will attract every man in your path, and it sounds like that’s what’s happening with you!! Very inspiring!

    Love, Helena

  133.  #133Amber on February 1, 2014 at 9:38 am

    I can’t say i would NEVER say it to him, but I’m not ready yet, so i said it here. I felt amazing by the end. I gave my Stranger free rein and boy did she deliver. I dont think I’ll be stuffing her down anymore. I controlled her by giving her an appropriate sounding board. Although 119 was EXACTTLY how i felt in the moment, it’s not how I feel this morning. I’m glad i dont have to retract those words.
    Cheers, Sirens

  134.  #134Femininewoman on February 1, 2014 at 9:39 am

    Andrea money really means nothing in the big scheme of things because when you die you take nothing with you. However it can be used as a mask that men use to pick up women, to judge women as gold diggers, or to feed their insecurities of not being enough as the woman is only interested in his money and not in him as a human being. As you met him organically I would put all that aside if I were you including the info about him as an entrepreneur. Just continue being you having an experience with another human being and see where it goes. Be in the moment. He has not proposed to you or invited you into his life. It is just a date and you are not auditioning him for any role as “the One”. Just enjoy the moment.

  135.  #135Lisa on February 1, 2014 at 10:07 am

    @Indigo I hear you! I’m very happy that you have that vibe and that your seeing the benefits of it… thanks for your post… <3

    I have men interested and I have in the last 2 mos had men say they love me, without me feeling the need to say it back… and I'm easy breezy and all that also…. I've had men really wanting to be with me…

    so I can't say I'm not attracting that, b/c I am…what I can say is that and even with "S" bringing me flowers once a week and chocolate and calling me every day and saying what can I do for you today my goddess…

    and I wasn't wanting to be in a committed relationship with him… and he wanted that from me…

    "D" drove 16.5 hours without sleep to meet me – he'd already said he loved me! I didn't say it back b/c I didn't feel it. These men are really bending over backwards for me…

    one thing is that even though I go into the depths of my pain and yearning to allow it to have it's say, learn from it, love it and understand it and I post it… really doesn't mean that that is where I'm at – totally.. just means for that span of time.. that is where I am…processing..
    it's so paradoxical really… and confusing to everyone here I can imagine…

    I get frustrated b/c all these men doing this isn't enough! They aren't men I want to be in a relationship with…!!! ( workaholics, lazy who don't want to work, OCD and Avoidants, separated etc) That is why I'm focused on it b/c these men just won't cut it… I don't know that it is about me not attracting men that want to be in a relationship with me … b/c that isn't true.

    … and what I'm finding in my last few days of really BEING with myself is that I'm really wanting to be alone… so it really is a facade that I want a relationship…. maybe some part of me wants one really bad!, but another deeper part of me wants my freedom and to be alone… just like the excerpt from the book… ie. why I attract the ones I do…

    I think my lack of sleep might have made this post confusing… ??


  136.  #136Amber on February 1, 2014 at 10:17 am

    This really resonates with me. The most interesting thing is that (T) has actually articulated that he feels this ‘need for freedom’ from me. I spent a ton of time (pre-Rori) trying to convince him i am ready. After reading your post i think i was trying to convince myself, too.
    Cheers to self-revelation

  137.  #137Femininewoman on February 1, 2014 at 10:26 am

    Indigo thanks for that reminder in your post. I am always working to develop that vibe. I don’t think it can be too much. I have a girlfriend who walks around like that all the time it seems.

  138.  #138Shannon on February 1, 2014 at 10:33 am

    Andrea, I would ignore it. Your friend is coming from his own place, you know? He has his own views of men with money, and he tried to project them onto your date. Men with money want love, too. And he Chose you.

    So thank your friend and then be the duck… water off of your back it.

    We warn each other about things all the time, but who’s to say when it’s justified and when not? Ye know? Often it just comes out of our own baggage or out of that place where we’ve been warned all of our lives so we just “pass on” that worthless bit of nothing…

  139.  #139Lisa on February 1, 2014 at 11:04 am

    @Amber ๐Ÿ™‚ <3


  140.  #140cupcake on February 1, 2014 at 11:07 am


    I love that you met someone while you were out having an authentically good time, being yourself.

    And I agree with FeminineWoman that it’s just a date and roll with it. Which I know you will. I once was rather awkwardly left alone at a lunch table with one of the richest men in the world. I knew who he was, but asked him a question which he interpreted to mean that I didn’t know who he was. He shot me a very curious glance, and it was awkward for both of us for about 10 seconds, but then we started talking about something – the Pyramids, as I recall, and it was all easy and fun.

    So…just talk. As you will. If he’s nice, it will be fun and if he is not, it will be less fun.

    I have a feeling it will be fun and can’t wait to hear more about it! Be sure to tell us what you decide to wear so we can picture it. Shoes, too! ๐Ÿ™‚

  141.  #141Amber on February 1, 2014 at 11:08 am

    My Stranger is so powerful right now. I can feel her slinking under my skin. I dont know what she wants so im just letting her be.
    As she prowls her image changes. maiden, mother, crone, and back again. Her name is Amelia. I love her. I am she, and she is me.

  142.  #142Dominique on February 1, 2014 at 11:12 am

    Lisa – 103 – I don’t think this is you. I don’t think you’re giving off the – I have to find MY relationship no matter what – vibe.

    I do think it’s far more likely to be your fear of actually having want you desire, the fear of possibly losing something that would feel so wonderful, the fear of intimacy, the fear of that love you dream of. We’ve talked about this before.

    And you’re not alone in this. Most people have this fear deep down. Awareness of its presence is key, and you keep working with it from there, little bit by little bit.

    When you feel it arising, finding ways to soothe it. Allowing a little more intimacy here and a little more there, adjusting your comfort levels when you have the opportunity.

    This can take time sweetheart. These fears didn’t come to you suddenly, and they’re not likely to go away suddenly either.


  143.  #143Dominique on February 1, 2014 at 11:18 am

    Andrea – 117 – Awesom. ๐Ÿ™‚


  144.  #144Dominique on February 1, 2014 at 11:25 am

    Andrea – 130 – Allow the conversation to flow as it does. And enjoy.


  145.  #145Amber on February 1, 2014 at 11:31 am

    (F) is safe because he’s too old. (K) is safe because I’m not attracted to him. (T) is my mirror, afraid of true intimacy and emotionally unavailable. Okay universe, i hear you. I’m working on it.

  146.  #146Liquid Light on February 1, 2014 at 11:34 am

    Andrea, I’m feeling so excited for you! That’s exactly the type of man that I want to attract! Warning you…what???! Thank your lucky stars that your friend told you this information. That’s a gift! Probably that man feels threatened by the oil guy and needed to talk him down. What BS! You don’t need that kind of subterfuge, put it out of your mind and I would probably put the friend out of your mind as well because he’s no friend…But thank god he told you, now you know you are dealing with a high quality man and what does that mean? You act like a high quality woman! You look great on your date, you act like a lady, you let him lead, you appreciate, you’re impressed, and you listen listen listen!! No agenda. Let him show you who he is and if indeed he is a high quality gentleman. OMG, he sounds just great though. Have a wonderful time!!!!

  147.  #147Andrea on February 1, 2014 at 11:43 am

    Oh thanks you guys. I feel really positive about all of it. FW, for sure, you’re so right. This is only a fun date. Enjoy the moment.

    As for what I’m wearing; here’s the awesome thing. Last night when he met me I was wearing my big cloddy winter coat and boots. Even as we danced last night, my winter boots were plodding along underneath me and I was in total clump clump mode.

    So tonight I can really dress up. I have feminine knee high black boots, a black shorter and fuller skirt that swishes around my thighs when I walk, and a shear blue or teal blouse that makes me feel soft and silky. Ooooohhhh it feels so good thinking about dressing up, and being so feminine.

    Last week I cut off all my long greying winter hair and now I have a light red bob that bounces around my face. Everything about me is bouncy, bubbly, and playful now. I feel wonderful.

    So, I’m taking my daughters to the humane society to walk dogs on their trails for a work out today, and then I’m going to concentrate on getting ready for a fun date. I’m so excited. Hoorah!!

  148.  #148Andrea on February 1, 2014 at 11:46 am

    Oh Liquid Light… I just read your post!! Yes!! Yes!! You are so right. IN tune!! That’s what I’ve been feeling. You’re right too… listen listen listen, no agenda!! Ooohhh I feel so inspired.
    I just wrote a note to myself and taped it up on my bedroom wall!!


  149.  #149cupcake on February 1, 2014 at 11:48 am


    I just want to give a shout out. It feels like you’re in the throes of the process today, so just want to say I’m here with you, for what that is worth.

    Re: T- Christian Carter wrote something, I think it was in November that he posted it, about men needing to feel “free” and “empty.” I tried to find it for you and couldn’t.

    Anyway. Nice to hear that you are getting acquainted with Amelia. You do know that the name means “to make better”, right?

    Big hug.

  150.  #150cupcake on February 1, 2014 at 12:03 pm

    #112 Olivia –

    Thank you for posting your quick fixes, including the websites that have helped you. I appreciate it.

    It sounds like you are making small, incremental changes and feeling the benefits.

  151.  #151Liquid Light on February 1, 2014 at 12:19 pm

    I think that first dates are really significant. They often set the tone for the relationship or at least the first part of the relationship. So if you act casual and more friend like, then that’s the tone that he will take on too. He won’t take you seriously. However, if you act like you are taking the date seriously and act like a woman who is worthy of being taken seriously, then that’s the tone he will take on too. Kudos to you, Andrea, for suggesting a quieter evening where you two can talk. You’ve already shown that you are someone that has a fun side but you also have a serious side too. That’s great. I do think first impressions and first dates are v important. And its worth taking a moment to figure out the type of impression that you want to make and the kind of woman that you want to present yourself as. I know that I’m being a lot more thoughtful about this and when I come across someone that seems special, I make sure to make the best impression that I can now. On the other hand, with someone I’m not that into, I don’t care how I come across and typically try to invest as little time as possible with someone like that. Just my 2 cents.

  152.  #152Liquid Light on February 1, 2014 at 12:26 pm

    Andrea, your outfit sounds gorgeous! I’m sure you will look fantastic tonight! ๐Ÿ™‚

  153.  #153Waterfall on February 1, 2014 at 12:38 pm

    Hi Sirens

    Its lovely to catch up on the blog.

    It is interesting, I have been seeing my guy for 8 months but I feel so lost and so scared.

    In my head I think that I am practising Rori’s tools but I really wonder if I am..

    I try to lean back but when I don’t feel happy about something (which is a lot of times) i don’t know how to articulate this.

    He seems happy with how things are, but I am not. I practise using all the scripts and feeling messages but I feel I am getting no-where.

    For example he changes plans at the last minute and when I try and express how unhappy this makes me,he just totally ignores me. He acts like he hasn’t heard me.

    When I do finally get him to listen I am usually in such a bad mood by that point that we end up with a really tense and resentful argument.

    He constantly says he will change and that he understands my point of view. But he also says he doesn’t think he’a doing anything wrong. And we go around in circles.

    Phew I feel so exhausted from it all.

    Yet in other ways I feel incredibly close and ‘in love’ with him. Yet I feel I tread on egg shells not to upset him.

    In other ways he spoils me. He always buys me presents, he is always there for me, he is very affectionate and loving towards me. In lots of ways I feel loved, but I don’t feel special.

    Deep down I worry that for whatever reason he holds back. Obviously this will affect the relationship and there is nothing I can do about this.

    Sometimes i feel that I am getting so resentful I will end up saying some really nasty things to him. I feel so trapped at times. I feel I am trapped between a rock and a hard place…

    Any advice would be greatly accepted…

  154.  #154Waterfall on February 1, 2014 at 12:40 pm



    I’ve been following your story and I can feel your energy and excitment coming off the page.

    You have such a great positive vibe, I feel it is infectious.

  155.  #155Femininewoman on February 1, 2014 at 12:41 pm

    OOOOooo Andrea. Sounds like a gorgeous outfit. Forget about serious and just have fun.

  156.  #156Waterfall on February 1, 2014 at 12:42 pm

    Gosh, I think what I am feeling is intimidated..
    My stomach feels so knotted and tense…

  157.  #157Amber on February 1, 2014 at 12:56 pm

    Thanks for the shout-out. I didn’t know Amelia meant that!
    I have a date tonight with K. I don’t want to go. I feel like I’ll be terrible company. I really want to just take myself out for karaoke and a drink. Anyone got a script for “sorry to blow you off two weeks in a row but i really just wanna be by myself?”

  158.  #158Liquid Light on February 1, 2014 at 1:01 pm

    A man like that will likely put a woman into one of two categories: a good time girl or someone he would consider dating on a serious level. Which one do you want to be? I’m absolutely not saying to not have fun, def have fun, but also show him that you are a woman to take seriously. Now he may not be interested in dating anyone seriously, he suggested you both got out singing and dancing again, so maybe all he wants is someone to have fun with. I would look out for this and try to get a better sense about him on your date. I get the feeling though that Andrea is looking for someone to date and not just someone to have fun with.

  159.  #159Liquid Light on February 1, 2014 at 1:05 pm

    Waterfall, perhaps its time to start cd’ing?

  160.  #160Waterfall on February 1, 2014 at 1:16 pm


    Thanks for the response. To be honest I am already CD ing a bit although not properly ‘dating’ other men. I am just not comfortable with this. But I do go out with other men in more i formal way. I have lots of male friends and go out with them a lot. So I am always on the look out so to speak. But I don’t think I could date another man at the same time as dating D. It just doesn’t feel right to me. I wish I didn’t feel like that. I guess deep down I feel and believe it would be like cheating and would ruin the relationship.

    We feel into a very intense relationship.

    What does anyone else think?

  161.  #161cupcake on February 1, 2014 at 1:17 pm


    In my experience, excursions I am dreading usually turn out to be fun.

    I think you should go and get out of your head for a while. Maybe he has a message for you tonight that the universe wants you to hear.

    It’s okay to say, I feel stuck inside my head a little. I feel in a muddle.

    But go. Yeah? Be surprised.

  162.  #162cupcake on February 1, 2014 at 1:25 pm


    Why, if he is always there for you, does the changing plans bother you? Can you give an example?

    If he’s changing plans from doing one thing to doing another – both with you in the plan, can you live with that?

    If he’s been doing it for 8 months, and you have repeatedly expressed that you don’t like it, I don’t think he’s going to change the behavior.

    So the only thing left is for you to change the paradigm with which you view it.Or decide it’s a deal beaker.

    Maybe I am not understanding what you are describing. Can you tell more about what you find distressing?

  163.  #163Shannon on February 1, 2014 at 1:32 pm

    Waterfall, I think you need the “Toxic Men” program.

    It sounds like your guy has some issues. If you’re walking on eggshells, that’s not good… and you say you’re uncomfortable, but you’re accepting that for some reason that you need to sort out.

  164.  #164Waterfall on February 1, 2014 at 1:51 pm

    Shannon, Cupcake

    You are both spot on!

    When he changes plans he does it for a good reason ie something serious has come up etc.. But I guess I smell a rat! But… And this is the big but… I sense it’s because he needs his own space or just wants to let me do my thing, but can’t actually say that to me.

    It also never bothers him if I change plans at the last minute. And is always incredibly flexible and understanding. In fact that’s what makes it more difficult.

    He tells me all the time that he is trying so hard to communicate with me better about this because he thinks that is why I am upset. For example he will always let me know well in advance.

    He’ll say something like ‘I can’t see you on Saturday now because …. But we can do (whatever…) on Sunday instead.

    This makes me feel so wound up and angry. When I tell him that this wag of talking to me makes me unhappy then he gets really upset and says he can’t work out what he is doing wrong. He gets upset that he can’t say the right thing to me.

    Does that make sense?

    Shannon – yes, he does feel toxic!!! I am trying to work through this by trying to feel my feelings and work out if I am just being defensive and jumping to conclusions…

    I feel sooooo confused….

  165.  #165Femininewoman on February 1, 2014 at 2:01 pm

    Waterfall it might be the exclusivity that is the problem. You might be wanting more now. Maybe if you choose to take some space and really sink into yourself you might be surprised at what you discover. It seems to me like you are trying to squeeze him into being the man you want him to be to be more like your ideal man than accepting him for who he is.

  166.  #166Smile on February 1, 2014 at 2:05 pm

    Shannon, @99
    Yes it does feel like sneeking around, I want to feel confident enough to tell him, but what’s stopping me is the fact that he’s an ‘ex’. Amb knows I’m still in touch with him ‘every now and then’ ie life events and Xmas. He knows his parents still contact me and frequently comment on my fb page, they even like our photos sometimes.
    I’m just not sure I ‘need’ to meet him? Like you say why?
    I might speak with our mutual friend too. Thank you ๐Ÿ™‚

  167.  #167Smile on February 1, 2014 at 2:06 pm

    Amber, I like the idea of a group situation, feels far more comfortable ๐Ÿ™‚ thank you

  168.  #168Smile on February 1, 2014 at 2:10 pm

    Fw! Yes ๐Ÿ™‚ fantastic idea. I’ve actually spent an evening with him and his girlfriend + friends a few years ago. It wasn’t a planned evening we just all happened to be out. It was ok but I believe he ‘paid’ for it the next day.
    Amb said to me the other day he was nervous about if we ever bumped into his ex and how she might react. I said if we ever bumped into mine he’d probably buy you a drink lol. And he would.
    I believe this situation might crop up in the near future anyway for our mutual friends special bday.

  169.  #169Waterfall on February 1, 2014 at 2:18 pm


    To be honest I can’t CD in the full sense. It is just not me. But I do agree with everything else you say, I am finding it hard to accept him for what he is. I always want more. It feels so hard to think like this….

    I need to work out how I feel.

    I don’t feel cherished. I know he tries but I just don’t feel it…

  170.  #170Andrea on February 1, 2014 at 2:36 pm

    Liquid LIght # Yes! All of this is so very helpful. I keep clicking on here to get more pointers.
    Yes, thank you. I do want to be taken seriously and I want to present myself as a woman who can enjoy each moment as it comes, but who is ready for a serious relationship. I just keep remembering how both of us last night were just smiling. Smiling.
    And when he called me this morning he said, “I just haven’t stopped smiling since last night.”

    So, I’m also very cautious of alcohol. I am very happy to be going with him to a nice restaurant and not a bar. We did have a great time last night and I noted that both of us had two drinks each. That seemed very appropriate.

    I want to set a precedent that I am high value and worthy. I just feel like being deliberate, soft, relaxed, slower, smiling, and paying attention to him and letting him lead the way. He was so very impressed with that when we danced…

    ooooohhhh…. Ladies… I just have to say, I spent the last few hours with my daughters at our humane society. I walked two big dogs and then there were three brand new black lab puppies with frost bitten tails that had been brought in this past week.
    Being with the animals makes me feel so goddessy, so playful, so adventurous, so very connected to love and to the helplessness that these animals are expressing right now. My heart just opens up when I’m there.
    If you ever are feeling depressed or lonely… oh.. that is such a cure. Just something about being around all those hopeful, loving souls, and watching my daughters tender care for them as well, it just brings out the feminine side of me in such a wonderful way.

  171.  #171cupcake on February 1, 2014 at 2:37 pm


    In what way is he toxic? You describe a man who changes plans 1) with ample notice, 2) with good reasons, and 3) with respect for your occasional reciprocal need for flexibility.

    Why do you smell a rat?

    I feel puzzled. What I am hearing is that your insecurity is making you insecure. That your man hear understands the importance of communicating and is doing his best.

    I agree with FemineWoman that it sounds like you want him to be the perfect man you made up in your head, not the man he actually is, doing his heartfelt best, albeit imperfectly, to make you happy.

    I don’t mean to be hard on you. I just don’t understand how there is anything toxic going on here – based on with you have described which is of course not the whole story. The only bad stuff I see in your description is your own Nasty Voice telling you that you are not loved.

    The Nasty Voice loves to call itself Intuition.

    Reconnect Your Relationship has exercises around that.

  172.  #172Waterfall on February 1, 2014 at 2:49 pm


    Wow, you may have touched a nerve with me there. He is always saying that I am looking for the ‘perfect man’.

    Ahhhh ….

    Yes, I feel scared and overwhelmed by the voice in my head. I always feel I see evidence that he doesn’t love me and he loves someone else instead. I feel tortured by these thoughts…

  173.  #173Shannon on February 1, 2014 at 2:52 pm

    Waterfall, I personally feel like the whole “don’t ever cancel plans with me” is unreasonable. It sounds like you feel abandoned every time he changes a plan. He’s being pretty reasonable about it and going out of his way to cater to your… um. To your drive to never have anything cancelled.

    It sounds, honestly, like you’re making the cancelled plans the scapegoat for whatever is making you walk on eggshells with him.

    It’s normal and natural for things to come up in life and plans to get changed. But you’re walking on eggshells for SOME reason. And you’re projecting all of THAT onto this issue… either that, or you have an extreme fear of being rejected or abandoned, and you’re projecting THAT all onto this issue.

    From what you’re saying, you’re being unreasonable (sorry, but it does sound that way). And what you need to work out is, why?? What made you latch onto this issue, and why are you walking on eggshells, and about what?

    Sounds like a lot of fear of rejection or abandonment to me.

    Although, on the other hand, abandonment is my single greatest terror, so yeah… maybe I’m projecting. :p

  174.  #174Femininewoman on February 1, 2014 at 3:44 pm

    WateRfall Cdate doesnt have to mean dating men.

  175.  #175Femininewoman on February 1, 2014 at 3:49 pm

    RE 172. That’s what I thought. You are busy looking for evidence. Maybe because you do not believe he is good enough for you? Whatever you are looking for you will find.

  176.  #176prplpsn28 on February 1, 2014 at 4:50 pm

    I too have naturally curly long hair and I struggle with it every day. Still in need of a fix so I can relax more about it. Messing with it now before I go out with friends. Ugh!

  177.  #177prplpsn28 on February 1, 2014 at 5:00 pm

    Things aren’t going good with H. In the middle of a fight and haven’t heard from him. I believe he’s being over sensitive from being overworked and stressed. It really shouldn’t be a big deal but it seems to have turned into one. I’m being accused of checking up on him just because a friend of mine happened to show up at the bar H was at last night. Total coincidence. And then this morning he was acting as tho I was disrespecting his relationship with his dad just because I asked why I was never invited to go to breakfast with them. Which they do several days a week. Apparently it’s “guy” time, which I totally understand. I don’t get it. We were supposed to go out tonight but I guess not now. I’m leaning back and not contacting him at this point. Maybe we need some space from each other. Idk. Any ideas from anyone?

  178.  #178Indigo on February 2, 2014 at 12:17 am


    I agree with FW at 165. You need to be able to more or less accept him as he is if you are exclusive, otherwise there will be frequent conflict – this can negatively affect the tone of the relationship very quickly.

    It could be the way you are communicating – do you wait for a good time to bring up something which is bothering you? Do you ask if it is a good time to talk? Do you make sure he is receptive? All these things affect how he hears you, and are instrumental in determining whether it leads to an argument. Do you express the positive as well? Do you let things go which are not that important in the greater scheme of things?

    Personally, I would take some time to myself and really assess the relationship as objectively as you can. If nothing else, maybe your focus is too much on him. Maybe you need to start doing enjoyable things for and by yourself.


  179.  #179Indigo on February 2, 2014 at 12:25 am

    Last night B took me out to a really lovely restaurant, and we had cocktails and then dinner. It was lovely and romantic, and the conversation was flowing and I found myself enjoying his company so much. I didn’t feel “love”, but I was happy I was with him.

    Last night he told me he loved me for the first time. After dinner, he told me he was falling in love with me. And then, before we went to sleep, he said “I love you”. It made me feel… good, gooey and soft and warm, and it felt extremely flattering… and it also made me feel a little sad and a little distant.

    I felt like it was where I was supposed to be for this part of my life, but I felt sad I couldn’t say it back. To me, I feel like a girl just having fun, and not one who is in love, or even looking to fall in love.

  180.  #180Indigo on February 2, 2014 at 12:35 am

    prplpsn28 #176,

    How do you want your hair to be? I know pretty much every trick in the book when it comes to long curly hair! ๐Ÿ™‚

  181.  #181Indigo on February 2, 2014 at 12:41 am

    prplpsn28 177,

    For what it’s worth, I would totally brush off the suggestion from him that you were checking up on him. You weren’t, and I feel like sometimes men (people) say these little irritable things when they are feeling a bit fragile, when they know they aren’t true, and the less energy you can give to them, the better.

    As for asking why you weren’t invited to breakfast with his dad… sorry, but that sounds like a bit of an accusation to me. And you can expect him to get a bit defensive about it. He can’t win now – the breakfast has already happened, and you are already unhappy. I would really practice letting it go, and maybe finding an opportune time to say to him “It would feel really wonderful for me to get to know your family better. What do you think?”

    Much like what I said to Waterfall, maybe you need to really assess this relationship, since you are exclusive, and decide if you can accept him as he is.


  182.  #182Indigo on February 2, 2014 at 3:16 am


    I just read your post number 38, and I have long, thick, curly hair – always have.

    I used to wrestle with it, battle with it, cry over it – until somewhere around my early twenties, I just stopped battling with it. It “responded” better to me when I just accepted it and whatever it was doing. I found shampoos and conditioners that I liked, and I started loving it and treasuring it instead.

    Nowadays I straighten it with a GHD, but I also sometimes leave it curly. For me, it’s not about not loving my hair the way that it is – on the contrary, I have come to see it as a BLESSING that I can have my hair both ways, relatively easily. I get to choose. As a child, I didn’t have the choice. And I guess that’s what’s nice about now. It’s lovely being able to have options.


  183.  #183prplpsn28 on February 2, 2014 at 10:39 am

    Indigo…I usually prefer to let my hair air dry but it always seems a little frizzy. I wish the curls would be more defined, less frizzy and soft. I’ve tried so many different shampoos, conditioners, creams, gels etc. Nothing seems to work. So unless I’m going out for a special evening I wear it up. Usually in a ponytail or in a clip. So frustrating. Any ideas would be greatly appreciated ๐Ÿ™‚

  184.  #184prplpsn28 on February 2, 2014 at 10:45 am

    Indigo…I appreciate your input in regards to H. Thank you. He did contact me when he got home from work and I did see him last night and things were much better.

  185.  #185Waterfall on February 2, 2014 at 11:34 am


    Yes, I am going out abd meeting other people.

    I think in all honesty I don’t feel good enough for him. In fact in lots of ways he has really knocked my confidence.

    He is always talking about other women that his friends fancy – and for reason I feel insecure and jealous because of this.

    Within my social group I used to have a lot of confidence – now I feel like I’ve lost it .

    I guess in this way I find him toxic

    Feel very confused and unhappy…

  186.  #186Indigo on February 2, 2014 at 11:57 am

    prplpsn 183,

    Getting a good cut makes ALL the difference with curly hair. Find a really good hairdresser (sometimes this takes a bit of trial and error) and get them to give you a decent, flattering cut (layers work extremely well with curly hair and make it fall nicely).

    A really good shampoo in particular makes a huge difference too – it’s worth splurging a little on something good. I actually use an expensive anti-dandruff shampoo and it makes my hair extremely soft. Use conditioner especially for dry hair – curly hair tends to lack moisture.

    Finally, regular blowdrying or straightening will make the curls a lot bigger and softer when you do wash and leave it to dry naturally… a few drops of silicone serum smoothed through your hair does wonders to tame the frizz and also makes it soft. Curly hair also looks better quite long – the weight pulls the curls down and gives a softer look.


  187.  #187Tereana on February 2, 2014 at 8:48 pm

    Indigo – that’s awesome!

    Yeah, my curls can go either way, too. I *can* straighten them. But it takes forever, as me hair gets longer, because it’s so thick. And I tried it once last year and it didn’t even loom good, to me. So I figured why go to all the trouble? Lol

    A friend of mine turned me onto Deva styling products. They have a whole website where you can also find stylists trained to cut curly hair. They are more expensive, but it’s worth it!

    I just had my hair cut by a new (to me) deva stylist. It looks great and I feel awesome! ๐Ÿ™‚

    They have a range of different products, and they are not the cheapest, but they are all natural and good for your hair. I also like to put in a frizz-taming serum a la John Frieda when my hair is soaking wet, right out of the shower.

    Also, do NOT towel dry your hair. Use an old t shirt or a microfiber towel to scrunch it and absorb the drips. Flipping your hair forward when you do this is good, too. Then air dry is best for me. I’ve used a diffuser, but usually the air increases frizz on my hair. It takes longer, but it’s worth it!

    Those are what I would suggest, prplpsn. You’ll probably find some things you like, too. And if you find a Deva stylist, they’ll help you with maintenance & styling tips. Oh yeah, I like the “Shea moisture” products, too. You’ll find them at a regular drugstore.

    Yay, curly hair!

  188.  #188Indigo on February 2, 2014 at 10:07 pm

    Yay Tereana, thanks for the tips!

    I don’t know if we can get Deva products here, but I’ll keep a lookout. I found that the shampoo I use makes such a HUGE difference.

    And yay for getting a fabulous cut! I think that’s the single best thing you can do for curly hair. I’m not a fan of diffusers or heavy products either… I find they tend to do more harm than good. Healthy, clean, well-cut hair seems to look best.

    Have you tried the GHD straightener? For me, it is just hands-down 1000 times better than the others. And the style lasts until your next hair wash.

  189.  #189Millie on February 3, 2014 at 12:07 am

    Thank you Helena and Indigo–
    I definitely want to connect a man’s actions with growing my feelings and a lack of action with losing my interest…

    Shannon–This friend and I actually already have sexual chemistry, the flirting is there….but he has made statements like “I lose interest if there is no challenge.” and “I’m just having fun right now.” We have chemistry, but I don’t think he sees me as someone he wants to date, or else I’m sure he’d be asking as he is a very masculine man. I decided to lean back completely and see what happens. I don’t want to share my feelings if there is no action at all on his end. It is also exhausting holding on to feelings for someone when they aren’t pursuing you….I’m realizing holding on to these feelings takes effort, I don’t want to expend…

  190.  #190Phyllis Riek on February 5, 2014 at 2:19 am

    I too think thus, perfectly written post!

  191.  #191D2 on February 6, 2014 at 4:44 am

    Big Trigger Post!! Ah, hair. What every woman is judged on. However as a woman who is losing her hair this is painful as watching a

  192.  #192D2 on February 6, 2014 at 5:24 am

    Sad as watching a Wen or Pantene Commercial. I feel sad that I’ll never again feel the wind in my hair, go on a roller coaster, not wear a ball cap to the gym, be able to swim or freak out when it’s a windy day!! I feel a fake because I have to hide it with a wig and cringe/dodge when people try to touch it or my head. I feel unattractive and ugly every morning and night when I see the bald patches when I look in the mirror. Big triggers every day knowing I will never be able to not wear a wig and would love to have hair no matter if it was curly or stringy…just to have hair would make me elated!!

  193.  #193D2 on February 6, 2014 at 5:25 am

    Sad as watching a Wen or Pantene Commercial. I feel sad that I’ll never again feel the wind in my hair, go on a roller coaster, not wear a ball cap to the gym, be able to swim or freak out when it’s a windy day!! I feel a fake because I have to hide it with a wig and cringe/dodge when people try to touch it or my head. I feel unattractive and ugly every morning and night when I see the bald patches when I look in the mirror. Big triggers every day knowing I will never be able to not wear a wig and would love to have hair no matter if it was curly or stringy…just to have hair would make me elated!! I feel like crap…

  194.  #194Shannon on February 6, 2014 at 5:33 am

    You know, D2, I hear that you feel very sad. I would, too.

    However, there’s hope, you know, with regards to finding love, no matter what your hair is like. Rori says this, and so did Helena at her teleconference…

    In essence, it’s that, “You can’t say the wrong thing to the right person.”

    And this is true about how we look, or losing our hair, or putting on baby weight, or anything else. We don’t give men enough credit; we often assume that all of them are shallow jerks who only want the skinny 19 year old (18 year old, if he can get her!) with attractive factor of 10 and the patience of St. Theresa and the cheerfulness of pippy longstocking and the mystery of the Mona Lisa.

    That’s just not true, and it’s an unkind judgment of men.

    D2, to the right man, you will be beyond gorgeous. But you have to put yourself in his path, and KNOW that, to the right man… you can’t do it wrong.

    The right man will think that bald patches are such an incredibly minor thing. He’ll wonder why you even care so much, because he’ll look at you, and he’ll be like, “Yeah, but look how AMAZING you are!”


  195.  #195Dominique on February 6, 2014 at 7:50 am

    D2!!!! – It’s been a long time since I’ve seen you. I’ve missed you. We’ve talked about this before, and maybe you just need a gentle reminder that you are beautiful right now, just as you are, hair or no hair. When your man loves you, he only see this, the woman he loves, nothing else, and this to him is gorgeous.

    Love to you.


  196.  #196Femininewoman on February 6, 2014 at 8:35 am

    D2 I want to share an experience I had two days ago. A long time friend wanted to see me on FB and I told him no because I was in bed and my hair was sticking all over the place. You know what his response was to me? “Who cares about your hair”? When he saw it he said “You hair is okay. Silly!”.

    Two things I want to say to you. Men, people see us as whole not in parts. If someone judges you on your thinning hair it is because they are not comfortable with themself and theor own hair.

    Second – people are harsher on themselves than anyone else will be. The same applies to you too. Most women feel for other women when they are losing their hair.

    I have a colleague with alopecia. She has her wigs custom made and tells people that she has alopecia as if it is nothing to talk about. Thngs we keep hidden, as secrets, can have great power over us. Small small steps in putting it out there can release the hold this has over your mind. There are many many people out there who are losing their hair or who have thinning hair. That does not diminish their radiance. Look at kids who have to be going through chemo? Maybe some lessons could be learned from them.

  197.  #197Lynne on February 10, 2014 at 10:33 pm

    Thanks for the share. My quick fix story is when I discovered that I could pay my bills online, yes I’m a bit late but I didnt find it difficult before to go to the bank or elsewhere to pay my bills. When I started having a hard time, I was always stressing myself, but now with just a click of the mouse I am able to get those bills paid and be worry-free!

  198.  #198D2 on February 12, 2014 at 5:39 pm

    Thank you for the kind words, Shannon, Femininewoman & Tinque!! It is sometimes hard to remember the moments that I will never experience again. I know deep down that my man still loves me and wants me in his life. However, it is difficult to not hear the gremlins screaming when you get ready each morning and remember to put on a smile along with your fake hair to go out in the world. I know there is nothing I can do about it. But some days you get triggered and remember all the simple moments that you took for granted that you can never truly appreciated in the moment until they are lost for good. Like your husband running his fingers through your hair when he kissed you or feeling your locks get tousled in a warm summer breeze!!!

  199.  #199Lana on April 20, 2014 at 11:14 am

    STD dilemma (herpes) — I’ve just started dating again, circular dating and met someone great. We had sex the other night and it was wonderful, followed all the sensual, touching – he felt great and so did I. I of course used a condom and have been using valtrax once I committed to getting back on the dating scene. I just got on the part in Script for Dating that talked about STDs and because I missed the opportunity to tell him before sex, what do I do now?

  200.  #200Lana on April 20, 2014 at 12:37 pm

    STD dilemma (herpes) — I’ve just started dating again, circular dating and met someone great. We had sex the other night and it was wonderful, followed all the sensual, touching – he felt great and so did I. I of course used a condom and have been using valtrax once I committed to getting back on the dating scene. I just got on the part in Script for Dating that talked about STDs and because I missed the opportunity to tell him before sex, what do I do now?

    ***Addt’l question — I always planned on having that talk once I was ready for an exclusive relationship/commitment — if he doesn’t ask, do I need to bring it up if we’re just dating? Can I wait to initiate that talk when we move beyond a just dating phase?

  201.  #201Rori Raye on April 21, 2014 at 3:06 pm

    Lana – This is a huge, great question, and I think the community here will be helpful – Love, Rori

  202.  #202Rori Raye on April 21, 2014 at 3:17 pm

  203.  #203Lana on April 21, 2014 at 3:45 pm

    Thanks Rori, yes a great article…I actually found this one earlier in researching your blog. That’s excellent for the other guys I’m dating…but what do I do with this one? We already had sex once – how do I tell him now?

    Thanks so much!

  204.  #204Femininewoman on April 21, 2014 at 5:59 pm

    Lana how do you feel about the sex?

    Was it a trade hoping to get a relationship? Or was it a go with flow good feelings kinda in the moment thing?

  205.  #205Lana on April 21, 2014 at 6:07 pm

    What a great question…really had me think about it and get real with myself…The old me, yes, it would have been a trade for a relationship but in being honest with myself, it really was a go with the flow thing, although we had been sexting for a few weeks so the build up was there.

    As naive as it sounds, I really thought I was being safe…I’ve been out of the dating scene for a while and feel really stupid for not realizing that I should have the conversation before exclusivity…so I’m back to what do I do now?

    I feel so good when I’m with him and I don’t want to hurt him.

    Thanks in advance!

  206.  #206Femininewoman on April 21, 2014 at 6:39 pm

    I believe in being honest and open but the mood and circumstance has to naturally flow. I don’t believe I would just sit him down and have a talk to tell him that. I suspect he might have some skeletons in his closet that he has not yet discussed either. Is there anything you sense he might not be telling you? Or maybe when he discusses moving the relationship forward you could let him know there is something resting on your heart that you want to share.

  207.  #207Lana Dubinsky on April 21, 2014 at 6:45 pm

    Thank you!!! I like that a lot.

  208.  #208Shannon P. on April 22, 2014 at 4:32 am

    Lana, personally, I’d be casual about it, but direct. At some point, I would say, “Oh my gosh. I feel embarrassed!”


    “Well, I remembered something that I should have mentioned before we had sex, but it’s been so long since I had any issues around it, that I totally wiffed it!””

    “What? What do you mean?”

    “Even though I feel fine about it, I feel a little shy saying it to you. I know that you’d never intentionally hurt my feelings, but I still feel a little afraid to tell you.”

    “Just tell me already.”

    “thirteen years ago (or however long), I was diagnosed with herpes. At the time, it felt like the end of the world, but then I learned more about it. And I feel pretty good because I haven’t had an outbreak in (however long). I really feel regret that I didn’t tell you before, I’m sorry.”

    And see where it goes. But emphasize that it feels so under control that it just barely even feels like part of your life anymore. While it’s not an EXCUSE for not telling him, it at least explains how it happened.

  209.  #209Shannon P. on April 22, 2014 at 4:33 am

    I would, by the way, do it BEFORE you guys have sex again! Once can be forgiven, but then it just becomes negligence.

  210.  #210Lana on April 22, 2014 at 6:14 am

    Thank you Shannon…you are 100% right and although I feel very nervous, scared and ashamed about this the script example really helps. Just what I needed. I bet it’ll be excellent practice and provide me with a feeling of confidence going forward.

  211.  #211Shannon P. on April 24, 2014 at 4:39 pm

    I waterfall,

    Trust is a choice. If you trust him, you will feel happier. So will he. If you don’t trust him, you may drive him to what you fear. Choose to trust.

  212.  #212Shannon P. on April 24, 2014 at 4:41 pm


    Trust is a choice. If you trust him, you will feel happier. So will he. If you don’t trust him, you may drive him to what you fear. Choose to trust.