Siren Salon In NYC on Monday, May 12th!

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modern sirenI’ll be in NYC from May 2nd through the 16th, visiting family – and re-making and re-remembering my personal New York experience of over 30 years ago…living in museums, taking art class, Feldenkrais class, MELT class…whatever suits my fancy…AND seeing clients, friends and members of the Rori Raye/Modern Siren community on the east coast!

To make it easier for me to schedule, I’m creating a “Modern Siren Salon” evening (only 10 women, only 5 spaces left) on Monday, May 12th, from 6pm to 10pm EDT.

It’ll be the way I used to do my “Goddess” evenings: We’ll sit in a circle, and everyone will work with me one-on-one. We’ll work on your personal situations and scenarios, and on waterwheel roriskills like Poetry, Feeling Messages, Scripting, Listening, Being Present, and opening up your heart…

((The cost will be my regular fee for a one hour session ($350.00)…))

Just write Melanie@CoachRori.com if you want to come to the “Siren Salon” on the 12th…and she’ll get you set up.

Perhaps I’ll see you there!

Love, Rori

 

 

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73 Comments

  1.  #1Femininewoman on April 20, 2014 at 3:53 pm

    My City



  2.  #2Zia on April 20, 2014 at 7:21 pm

    Sounds lovely!! I need to get back in touch with my siren side 🙂

    Question for the forum: Saying I love you. Wait for the man to do it first? I’ve always said it first in the past and wanted to wait this time around, but the feelings are definitely there. I have noticed that I am ok feeling it in his presence without having to say it, but it’s almost slipped out a few times… that’s in itself is different in the past, which is why I think that in the past it was infatuation/something else.

    Because this time around it’s just an easy breezy lovely feeling, not an overwhelming compulsion to say it or anxious energy.



  3.  #3Tina Guidry on April 20, 2014 at 7:49 pm

    Thank You Rori



  4.  #4Tereana on April 20, 2014 at 8:38 pm

    Wow, cool! Rori on the east coast. I’ll have to be there I spirit…



  5.  #5Tereana on April 20, 2014 at 8:42 pm

    I am always thinking of brilliant things I would like to write in the blog, and then promptly forgetting them once I read everyone’s posts. Lol. But I suppose that’s a good thing. Gets me out of my own head : )

    I hope everyone had a nice Easter today.

    I had another lovely, relaxed day. My mom is still out of town, and I went to dance class, did laundry, made dinner, organized my clothes…the only thing that would have made it a better self-care day would have been a massage. Ahhh…

    It is good to feel relaxed and not stressed 🙂



  6.  #6Tereana on April 20, 2014 at 8:46 pm

    Oh yeah, I forgot – yesterday I drove an hour to go to one of my favorite beaches. I stood barefoot in the sand and felt myself grounding immensely. People were friendly and said hi. Including one man who totally tried to pick me up and have me his number. He is older than me and looks it. Plus, he is so super white, so not even my type ; ) j/k The point is, I don’t feel the attraction. But it felt nice to be noticed while I was feeling so “in my element.” I guess that is always true when I’m at the beach. I mostly can’t go to a beach without a guy talking to me. Lol

    ‘Night sirens : )



  7.  #7LoveAlways on April 20, 2014 at 9:20 pm

    cooooooooooooooooool



  8.  #8LoveAlways on April 20, 2014 at 9:22 pm

    I love a day in the City! Enjoy!



  9.  #9Millie on April 21, 2014 at 12:28 am

    Some of my friends hold different attitudes as to how to date. I want to share….what do you ladies think about this? It’s not very Rori:

    I was chatting with two girlfriends who both say they don’t like the men that hit on them, instead they go up to men that they like or are interested in and say something to the effect of “Hi, I love your shirt, you have great style…I think you should take me on a date!” Because of everything I know through Rori, this approach feels weird to me…It feels like starting off on the wrong foot….It feels like telling a man what I think he should do. My other girlfriend said she pursued her boyfriend. She knew she wanted to be with him so she sought him out. This wknd I was hanging out with the girl who went after her current bf and a male friend who is very close with Mechanic. The girl, I will call her, Jessica….

    Jessica: “Mechanic thinks he’s such a hot shot ladies man, so I like to pretend I doesn’t know him when everyone gets together to throw him off….he needs that.”

    Me: “I don’t see him that way.” Then I asked our guy friend what he thinks. He laughed to himself and got quiet. I said- what, tell me….

    Guy Friend: “Why don’t you go on a date with him? I see you making eyes at him all the time.”

    I got super blushy, thankfully we were in a dark bar.
    Me: “The only reason I haven’t is because he hasn’t asked me.”

    Guy friend: “Just tell him — I think you should take me out on a date.”

    Me: “Mechanic is a man, he knows what he wants and knows what to do about it. I don’t ask men out. I’m sure he knows I’d say Yes, so maybe that takes the challenge part out of it for him.”

    Jessica to Guy friend: “well does he like her?”

    Guy Friend: “I don’t know, he is very private about his relationships.”

    Hearing this point of view from my friends, that girls pick guys and tell them they want to go on a date…seems contradictory to me. I guess the takeaway is that I just need to be more assertive about what I want, which is something I’ve known anyway. Maybe just not in the same approach my friends are taking.



  10.  #10Tereana on April 21, 2014 at 1:03 am

    Ok, now, truth time…there are certainly a lot of good reasons not to be with M. Maybe I would not have been happy in the long term. Maybe the little things I didn’t like would have just blossomed into full-on big challenges that never changed. Maybe my dreams were correct in pointing me toward a way out. And maybe my calm feeling now is evidence of a right choice.

    BUT….

    There is one thing I’ve thought about before that sticks with me…what about the idea that love can “look” some way that you don’t expect? What about staying surprised, staying open, and staying curious about the experience? What about stopping overfunctioning, quelling expectations, leaning back and letting the man row the boat? Did I do those things?

    In the very beginning, I think I did. But somewhere along the way, I became unsure, insecure. At first I felt like I was absolutely enough. But then I felt like not enough. I felt like I had to “prove” to someone (even if it was only me) what a great and good girlfriend I really was. And I wasn’t open his questions about me. I made him feel bad about things he said. Until finally, he felt there was very little he could talk to me about.

    So yeah. I’m sure I made the right call. But then again, did I just micromanage the relationship and effectively shut HIM down, such that, in the end, I wasn’t really dating anyone anyway? Kinds feels that way. Hm…



  11.  #11Tereana on April 21, 2014 at 1:05 am

    And maybe it sounds like I am being super harsh on myself right now, but I’m not. I feel like I am observing these things with a cool eye and absolutely no anxiety, like, “huh. Maybe I really did do that. I wonder if I can do it differently/better next time….”



  12.  #12Indigo on April 21, 2014 at 1:57 am

    Millie 7,

    Certainly a number of women seem to hold this view, that they can sort of pursue the man and ask for the date.

    No doubt every now and again it does turn into a real relationship, and as an experiment, why not give it a try.

    My personal view is, it can work fine for friendships and casual dating with a guy. At a certain point though, you *have* to lean back to see what his interest in you really is. At a certain point you have to just observe what he does, otherwise how on earth would you know how he really feels?

    I think there is something to your idea that you need to be more assertive… but perhaps it is more assertive in your own self-worth. More confident, more self-assured.



  13.  #13Syreena on April 21, 2014 at 3:21 am

    I have recently come to the conclusion that saying how I feel in the moment in certain situations is not really a good thing for me or others and actually is doing more harm than goos to everyone.

    Yes it feels good to be aware of my feelings and listen carefully and act on them.

    For instance if I hear someone say something that makes me feel bad or someones actions make me feel bad and they then stop saying or doing that. To me what I have realized is all I am training them to do is be PC and not be themselves and they will then just put on their PC mask on in future infront of me. They will just be more careful in future to hide their real selves.

    So to me I have come to the conclusion best to just observe, listen carefully ans see how it makes me feel.

    Would rather see who they really are.

    Too many people out there already who wear the nice/guy/girl mask in order to deceive and manipulate.
    I don’t want to be part of creating more like that.



  14.  #14Syreena on April 21, 2014 at 3:22 am

    Also don’t want to hand them food to be able to manipulate me with.



  15.  #15Syreena on April 21, 2014 at 3:29 am

    For instance I don’t really want to be with a man who when out with the lads is joining in and going along with the crowd getting drunk, leering, sneering and being a jack the lad.
    And who then behaves in a polite respectful way towards women when with me or his mum.
    To me those sort of men are the most dangerous of all.
    Different masks depending who they are with.



  16.  #16Linda on April 21, 2014 at 4:49 am

    Yesterday was a beautiful day in my part of the world. The weather was picture perfect ! I spent it the way I wanted to. With family in the morning and on my sofa napping with the windows open in the afternoon.

    The holidays have always get loaded with such pressure and duty because of my mother. She always wants them her way oriented around her and she is not very flexible and is put out easily. The man in my last relationship was like this about lots of stuff too. (ick). I guess some people just have a propensity toward orienting things around themselves. It is like my mom creates a RIDGID box you have to fit into.

    The thing I am realizing today is that there are two sides to this dynamic. Things are definately defined, but it also creates a barrier/wall for your own existence in life. If people dont offer to fit in then you get to be alone. Often, people just dont even want to try to fit. I know I sure don’t, my kids don’t and even when you offer an alternative… you get a resounding “no”.

    I have slowly been challanging this and not feeling bad when I have “disappointed” her. I dont think it has been helpful to her at all (me and my kids doing differing things) because she is still rigid and unyielding most the the time. But for me, it is baby steps toward freeee dome! and my day and nap felt extra great.



  17.  #17Linda on April 21, 2014 at 4:56 am

    I am reminded of last easter when I had dinner at my home and my kids met favoritecd for the first time. I thought it was so great until after they left and he had his nose all out of joint about stuff, mostly the way he “perceived” how they treated him.

    You know.. it was not that way at all … he had expectations that they did not meet. Just like I did over and over and over. I eventually did not want to try to anymore.

    Okay I tapped into so bad feeling stuff right then… (deep breath). freeee dom!



  18.  #18Tereana on April 21, 2014 at 5:24 am

    Millie, #7 – that is an interesting conversation/view into mechanic and other styles of dating. The issue is, if we approach a guy and “ask him out,” then he might like it at first, but I think your instinct is correct. Eventually he will get bored because he will feel like there is nothing for him to do.

    That said, I do believe there is a way to approach, or start a conversation with a guy in a feminine, confident, flirty way. In your example, like walking up to him and saying, “Hi, I love your shirt.” But then smile and stop there. Let him pick up the rest of the conversation and decide if he is going to ask you out. So this way, you don’t leave it to chance, but you do open the door and let him walk through…make sense?

    Even this is a little anti-rori, but sometimes I feel like breaking the rules. The asking guys out thing, or even just “we should do x” or “you should do y” has never worked for me.

    I do know one woman who “landed” her husband by basically grabbing him at a party, pulling him aside and telling him she had a crush on him. They ended up hooking up, getting together, marrying and having a kid. But I think the key is CONFIDENCE. If you feel absolutely SURE of yourself, you can pretty much do whatever you want. But you can’t so it with any expectation (which is still a Rori theme).

    Make sense? I do totally know what you’re talking about though. What my friend did would never really work for me. That’s just my personality. But I do admire it.



  19.  #19Veronica on April 21, 2014 at 7:15 am

    I don’t think what Tereana’s friend did was leaning forward (from what I read). She told him how she felt, not what to do about what she felt. That seems very sireny to me or maybe my understanding of leaning forward is a bit off. I would like to try that one day – tell a man that I have the hots for him and see what happens. Hm, mega turn-on potential, depending on what happens after that.



  20.  #20Kyla on April 21, 2014 at 7:16 am

    Millie – I have been the pursuer and the pursued in the past and all ways work when your confidence is high and your attitude is in that rock star place. The thing about leaning back though.. from the very beginning you KNOW he’s interested in you because you are not making anything happen. When we are making things happen we can get so caught up in it that we end up creating painful imaginary relationships. Its good to experiment and explore different ways and keep a note of how it feels to us and which ones feel right. Treating it all as practice takes the focus off the men we interact with and puts it on the ‘tools’ we use and how we feel.



  21.  #21Tereana on April 21, 2014 at 8:16 am

    Hey, this “dropping thought” thing and getting out if my heads really works. Even with stuff I want to post on the blog. Lol I took a break from work, thinking, “I’ll post what’s on my mind to the blog.” Then I go outside and it’s sunny and there’s people. Boom! I forgot everything. Lol. I think there was some sort of dilemma. I don’t really know what it was anymore…



  22.  #22Kyla on April 21, 2014 at 8:17 am

    It was a strangely cozy and easy long weekend. Ninja stayed over for 3 nights. He’s allergic to my new cat so brought allergy tablets. The cat got out and ran away and he spent 3 hours driving around and found him! We took my kids and one of their friends up North and he taught us how to shoot guns and we spotted animals. We visited with his cousin and had inner with their family. It was 7 hours round trip in the car and we had such fun singing our hearts out, laughing, pulling over to grab photos and bbqing. He stopped on the way home in the dark to take a photo of me and him with all the stars out and kissed me just as the timer went off. He’s such a weirdly awesome combination of manly man, comedian and hopeless romantic. He invited me to 2 family weddings in June and a vacation in July. We played football in my back yard and ended up having a mud fight (I lost!). We went for lots of walks, watched lots of movies, cooked together and snuggled a lot. And lots of really long, warm hugs, face holding and forehead kisses. I LOVE forehead kisses. He changed my light bulbs, fixed a door, got me an ice pack and massaged my sore shoulder, fixed my son’s bike and taught him to ride without the training wheels. Saturday night I made the kids dinner and said I want to go out to eat and bring home a bottle of wine and watch a movie here. What do you think? He made us reservations, recommended the wine and downloaded a bunch of movies when we got back. Simples. I love how he helps me in and out of his truck, makes me laugh like a dork, takes my hand at every opportunity. I had girl time planned with my mom and sister Sunday so we went our separate ways for Easter dinner. He text last night that he had been looking forward to getting home to watch the game but that he missed me already and was going to be weird trying to sleep without being able to hold me 🙂
    My dad said Ninja must be making an impression because I used a name rather than my usual ‘some guy’ when he asked with who I saw a particular movie. I laughed and then realized that Ninja is infiltrating my life and I’m ok with that, I like it even.



  23.  #23Tereana on April 21, 2014 at 8:24 am

    What Kyla said!

    And Veronica, I’m pretty sure after she told him, she gabbed him and kissed him. She was all femme, but in a forward, rockstar kind of way. I think many guys do dig this, and not necessarily the feminine energy ones. Masculine men like it, too, because it boosts their sense of manliness when a woman “can’t keep her hands off him.” But Kyla nailed it. It’s all about the attitude. If you have even a slight bit of self-doubt, leaning forward will get you off balance. Maybe, though, *stepping* forward with your gravity centered could be sexy. That is, if you are in a “wow, I’m really attracted to you” mode, rather than a chasey chasey.

    My friend, I would describe her as a siren, but she is VERY confident. And I so admire this. I only sometimes have that kind of confidence. But it really comes from humility and connection, not from a place of entitlement, like “I want this so I have to have it or else.” That kind of attitude always spells trouble for me.



  24.  #24Margo on April 21, 2014 at 9:14 am

    Hi Rori, i’ve sent an email to Melanie, but didn’t hear back yet. How do I ensure that the space is still available? I really, really would love to have the opportunity to meet you in person.

    Thank you so much for all the work that you been doing. Without your site, i would be completely lost.



  25.  #25Veronica on April 21, 2014 at 9:53 am

    Tereana – 21 – I agree with you – and Kyla definitely really got to the heart of it. I didn’t know your friend did the grab-and-kiss afterwards – and yes, how one does that is crucial. ‘Confidence’ can mean so many things. For me, I know that being able to be vulnerable and accepting of whatever I’m feeling and being able to articulate that is very sireny. The ‘go-get-your-man’ approach is quite alien to who I am. Coming from a position of ‘I’m attracted’ is sexy, and this can happen in different ways that are more in line with who we are, our own way of being.



  26.  #26Azure Blu on April 21, 2014 at 10:16 am

    Kyla 20,
    Is this AMAZING or what!!!??

    I feel warm and relaxed and happy for you just reading about your days together with Ninja… Soooo good to hear about positive, budding relationship!!
    Thnx for sharing!! :-))



  27.  #27Tereana on April 21, 2014 at 10:26 am

    Ok, quick break. So much stuff is flying through my mind. Idk if it’s working itself out or what. But my boss said something to me that was at once reassuring, and also like, ‘hey, why does he have to say that?’ I turned down a request for something to do which was basically a favor, not a requirement (and at my job, basically nothing is really a requirement. We’re all pretty much contractors here). Meh said, “you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do.”

    And I’m like, holy whatever. That is totally how I feel. That’s how I was brought up, basically TRAINED from a young age that, if someone asks you to do something, you don’t have a choice. You don’t get to say no. If an “adult” asks you, you have to say yes. End of story.

    How did I get this message? Where did it cube from? I really don’t remember. All I know is that, intellectually, I “know” that I can say no to stuff. But in actual practice, I feel like I MUST say yes to whatever the request is. Maybe just to please them, if nothing else. And so, if I say yes, I push down my feelings and might pretend to enjoy it, but secretly hate it. If I say no, then I am wracked with guilt for pretty much all eternity. It’s kind of a pickle.

    I’m not really going anywhere with this. I’m just noticing. It’s been there for a long time. I’ve been aware of it before. I’ve wanted to change it forever, but it feels so ingrained – this idea of pleasing others before/over myself. Pleasing myself seems…so selfish



  28.  #28Azure Blu on April 21, 2014 at 10:27 am

    I was all agitated on Friday and Saturday… wanting to lean forward (control, get attention, demanding) with 2 CD guys… LoveAlways helped me gain some control through riffing (Yay I didn’t make contact!!) and on Sat. one CD asked me out to go for a ride in his Corvette (I was still working things out emotionally with me) Said it would feel so good to do that… but Sunday was going to be 70 and sunny what did he think… He said Sunday it is… and on Sunday heard from 2 other CDs… how nice to feel warm attention from wonderful men!! :-+

    I went to the last post of Rori’s blog -2008 and got just what I need right now (I LOVE how the Universe always does this for me)
    “The only thing that means anything is how you feel about YOURSELF in his presence.
    So take out your piece of paper and turn it over. Now write a list of how you want to FEEL about YOURSELF in your “perfect” RELATIONSHIP!
    The only thing that matters is this entry on your list: “When I’m with him, and even when I’m NOT with him – I feel loved, cared for, happy and secure….. “ That’s it.”
    Thank you Sirens and Rori…



  29.  #29Tereana on April 21, 2014 at 10:29 am

    And sometimes I can claim and stand up for what I want and don’t want. And it can be empowering. But overall, some part of my brain brands this activity as “morally wrong.” So my first response is usually to just accept whatever anyone ride says. Yikes. I do not feel strong at all. I do not feel confident. I want to think I know how to change this. I don’t know how to undo these knots.



  30.  #30Andrea on April 21, 2014 at 10:53 am

    Millie… I have done this:

    I always carry my business cards with me. If I’m somewhere and I notice a man, I always flirt first. Look at him, smile, look again, smile longer..etc..

    If he’s interested, he’ll come over. We talk a little bit, then I give him my card. I say I would feel wonderful if he called me sometime. One time I saw a man as I was rushing through a powwow with one of my girlfriends. I just reached into my purse, I said, “I saw you from across the arena. You seem so interesting and I’d love to talk sometime. I feel so curious about you, but I don’t have time to chat right now. Would you ever call me?”
    He laughed and took my card as I rushed off. (has not called me) but it was still fun to be so flirty.

    But and this is a big BUT!! Those moments are fine and fun, but it feels so so extremely wonderful and just out of my mind over the top awesome, when a man chases me. When he wants me enough to make the first moves. When he wants my attention so much that he sends a drink over, shows off a little bit, flexes his muscles, grunts, asks ME for my number, asks ME how he can make me happy….

    One time we were at a diner in Mpls. My sisters and I… a man took the opportunity while one of my sisters was walking past him to go to the bathroom, to call her over and ask her about ME. He sent a napkin with his phone number written on it and “Will you please call me?”

    I sent the napkin back with a favorite poem of mine written on it. I wrote “If you know who the author of this poem is, you may call me.” Then I put my phone number down.

    He laughed and we made eye contact the whole rest of our time at the diner. The next morning I got a phone call and he said, “Emerson. The author is Emerson.” And after that he took me out and we had a blast for the remainder of the time I was in Mpls.

    That feels better than anything else I’ve ever experienced. It feels better than approaching a man and commandeering his attention. It feels so good and it has something to do with a deeper kind of inner confidence and knowing. Sometimes I just walk into a place and I shine from the inside and I just know (whether it’s true or not) that all eyes are on me. And I smile and preen and it feels great.

    Other times I feel chasey and want attention and so I smile and flirt and give a man or two my card. Sometimes they call, sometimes they don’t.

    But I definitely like it better when men chase me from the get go. There’s just a more comfortable balance for me.



  31.  #31Azure Blu on April 21, 2014 at 11:05 am

    Andrea 28.
    I do love how you use your business cards to make contact with men and leave it at that… it feels sireny to me because you are leaving it up to them to phone you… and in the instances you mention…they have made it quite plain to you they are interested.
    I’m wondering if I still am not feeling quite sireny enough… making contact like that would throw me off balance… I’m with you Andrea… the best is when they make the effort first and follow through… I LOVE the the story of you and your sister in MPLS… that is out of a movie… :-}



  32.  #32Dominique on April 21, 2014 at 11:32 am

    I’m here right now for the day. I’m waving to you Femininewoman. 🙂 What a perfect day. I’ll be back again tomorrow and will wave again. xxoo



  33.  #33Amazed on April 21, 2014 at 11:49 am

    I am feeling confused…you sirens always help me feel better and help me know what to do. I started using Rori’s tools before I met L. I obviously connected with him with feeling messages…maybe too well. Almost like he knew he wanted to be with me forever right away…. I don’t kpnow exactly what I want. Am in the middle of a divorce so we are keeping things on the down low. I also have kids and want to be absolutely 100% sure. I guess I am having second thoughts about being in a commited relationship. There have been a couple of issues that we are working through…with his lack of money and sexual prowess. Pretty sure the 2 are related…stress from no money makes him feel lack if sexual energy. Anyway as I am writing this I feel better because I need those 2 things in a relationship. I have remember to stay on my horse. I was married to someone for 14 yrs that I regret…won’t be doing that again. Its just the more I get to know someone…even if I realize we are not good together I feel bad saying so. Sigh..so confused I am over thinking things instead of feeling.. :/



  34.  #34Mercedes on April 21, 2014 at 12:31 pm

    I have a question. Does anyone here use a shakti mat consistently? I’m looking for tips on how to get used to it and also your thoughts on what it has done for any pain you experience and whether or not you feel the relaxation and calming benefits of it. I have one but really haven’t given it much use (because quite honestly it HURTS unless I cover up too much but then I don’t get any benefit…can’t seem to find a happy medium).

    Really wanting to spend more time with it but wondering if I’m actually wasting time….

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  35.  #35redbutterfly on April 21, 2014 at 2:31 pm

    Yuck! Another holiday, another time when the Widower runs off to be with the late wife’s family and leaves me alone!

    As he was leaving yesterday to go see his late wife’s father and family, he was telling me how guilty and sad he felt leaving me. But he did it anyway and was gone all afternoon. I took a long delicious nap and got up and started catching up on “Game of Thrones” and it was 7:00 at night and all of sudden, he was walking back into my house with a wounded expression on his face. I said “What are you doing here?” And he said, “You didn’t answer my texts or calls and I was afraid you would sleep till 9:00 and not come over tonight.” I said “oh, my phone is charging in the bedroom and I haven’t checked it for hours.” He apparently wanted to see me later in the evening bad enough to drive to my house to make sure I was awake!

    He sat down on the couch next to me and told me that he just can’t handle seeing me in his late wife’s childhood home. I try to be sympathetic but it gets harder and harder. We have now been dating for a year and a half and have plans to move in together and talk about marriage. He said it will just take time. I try to not let it bother me but it does. Anyone who has dated a widower have any tips for me or words of wisdom? Everybody can just say “give him time” and I know that is logical answer but I get impatient.

    I have a good relationship with his late wife’s sister in law and brother. But for some reason, the Widower is scared half to death of his former father in law. Any time Mr. Father In Law is supposed to be at some family function, I am not invited. Once he invited me and actually told me I had to leave at a certain time. My point is that if his late wife’s family is part of his life and he wants to marry me, shouldn’t I be included in some of that stuff too? I have no animosity toward her or her family at all. I just feel frustrated and sad.

    I just have to give it time, don’t I?



  36.  #36Tereana on April 21, 2014 at 2:47 pm

    Actually, do you know what? I say that making the first move doesn’t work for me. But actually, maybe it does. BUT I have to do it in the right way. I mean, that is how I ended up with M in the first place. I was feeling rockstar, but also I just didn’t want to miss an opportunity. I could have left the rest stop without talking to him at all. But instead I said hi, and we had a conversation. I gave him my card. And he fell in love with me. Regardless of whether it was “right,” that’s what happened. I didn’t ask him out. He pursued me, he chose me, and then he wanted me to choose him.

    Every day when I leave work I see his train, and sometimes I think I want to get on it. Today, the desire was very strong. In fact, I went out in the platform, my heart pounding. What would he say if I showed up unannounced? My heart told me he would be happy. Overjoyed, perhaps. My mind told me that he would be mad, or busy and not able to see me.

    I may have missed that opportunity.

    I’m sitting on my own train, wondering….

    But waft really turned me around from getting on that train was thinking of how much I “leaned forward” throughout the relationship. What I really wanted in the end, was him coming toward me, pursuing me again.

    It would have been romantic, crazy . Like a Bollywood movie. Instead, I’ve chosen normal and boring. Lol. I’m going to go have wine with a friend and catch up.

    And I told myself to wait. To give him a chance. To trust him. Not that I don’t trust him. That’s not at all why I wanted to go there today. I have no idea why I felt that urge. Perhaps I should have followed it. It was very strong. I can still feel it, even.

    I must be attracted to him, even still. I don’t know. I think on the wrong train…



  37.  #37Tereana on April 21, 2014 at 2:59 pm

    Redbutterfly, I don’t know if it needs to be time (when was he widowed?). Grieving is a long process that takes as long as it takes. There is no rushing it, that’s for sure. But understanding is probably what he needs.

    Do you know what it is like to lose the person you love, that you were married to? This is something only he can experience for himself. And you are part of his life now, but that won’t make him “snap out if it.” The fact that he came to your house afterward to see you is an awesome sign. Believe him: he really probably cannot stand to see you in his late wife’s home because it is impossible for him to superimpose you over her. You simply can’t take her place. And the better thing to do is probably to try not to. Let him keep that separate, for as long as he needs to, and occupy your own place in his life. You are part of it and important for his healing, too.

    As far as the father-in-law, I’d say he might just not feel comfortable letting the man see you with him. It may be out if respect for him. It may be that he just feels weird, being that he used to be married to the man’s daughter.

    Don’t push it, make him feel bad, or feel resentful. He really is doing a lot for you.

    Thanks for the reminder. It’s always hard for me to see the bigger picture when I’m inside of a relationship. Putting pressure on him about this will likely hurt you and the relationship. Hopefully, he will eventually spend more time with you and your family. I think it sounds like you did great!



  38.  #38Tereana on April 21, 2014 at 3:06 pm

    Ugh. It’s supposed to rain tomorrow. It’s a beautiful day. I have this “date” with a friend, but she’s cancelled on me bunches of times. I could do it to her. Lol

    But I’m not going to. Why?? Because I stayed on my oath. I did not deviate. For love. Even though I felt it. Just, what? A little tugging in my belly. My feet felt great as I walked out onto the platform. I was confident. Following my flow. And then – panic. Back into the cage. Back into “what’s right,” back to “what’s normal.”

    It really is a prison. For me, I don’t do “normal” very well. In fact, I’ve been lusting after normal for so long. I’ve been imitating it, wooing it. But normal and me, we are just not all that compatible, it seems. I am at my best when I am weird, crazy (in the good way), and out there. When I do things a little strange. People tell me, “wow, you’re so brave to do x,” and I’m thinking, if I didn’t do x, then my life would be boring and I’d hate it. I couldn’t imagine NOT doing x.



  39.  #39Tereana on April 21, 2014 at 3:09 pm

    Except I just chickened out on one thing. Ok. But I’ll have another opportunity to be gorgeous and powerful and to feel comfortable in my own skin, knowing my likes and preferences, choosing what I want, despite others’ opinions.

    That’s the real me. She’s in there. I’ve met her.

    Eventually, it will be time for everyone hear to meet her, too… ; )



  40.  #40Tereana on April 21, 2014 at 3:09 pm

    *else, not hear



  41.  #41Tereana on April 21, 2014 at 3:17 pm

    I think I need to switch my wardrobe. I used to wear only off-best unusual things. Then I started to wear ‘normal’ clothes. It felt weird, but I wanted to try it on, “just for size,” as they say. Well, it didn’t feel quite right, but it easiest. I could for in. The problem is, I got used to NOT fitting in. I think I still feel that my wardrobe doesn’t really express who I am. And I’m the stylist!! I’d better get back to the drawing board and revisit my choices. That is, I need to get more adventurous, more crazy again. If I’m not being myself, then how will clients trust me? I’ve got to get on this. Time to hit up a trusted thrift store. I like where this is going!



  42.  #42Rori Raye on April 21, 2014 at 3:19 pm

    Lana – here’s a great article about when to tell a man you have an STD:

    http://www.match.com/magazine/article/4010/I-Have-a-Secret-How-to-Reveal-It-To-Your-Date/

    Love, Rori



  43.  #43Redbutterfly on April 21, 2014 at 3:32 pm

    Thanks Tereana! Sometimes it is just nice to come on this board and vent and have positive encouragement!!!



  44.  #44Tereana on April 21, 2014 at 3:39 pm

    On the other hand, it’s entirely possible that I just saved used from doing something crazy and unhelpful. It’s just that I really want to make a fool of myself sometimes. Life is more fun that way… Lol haha. Ok I’m going to have to remember that 🙂



  45.  #45Daria on April 21, 2014 at 4:45 pm

    Goddess stuff 🙂



  46.  #46Andrea on April 21, 2014 at 4:45 pm

    I have to say what a funny funny adventure life is. Especially being a woman. I feel controlled by my hormones so much of the time and as I am growing older, gaining confidence in myself and who I am as a person, and loving myself more and more, I am finally allowing my hormonal responses to life to just happen. I’m finally just allowing …

    Well, this weekend was crazy. My brother’s band came to play in my city. They are very popular here. My little sister came along with the band. So I entertained family this weekend but also had lots of friends in and out and we kind partied all weekend long.

    One CD Joe… kind of got irritating to me by trying to have texting conversations with me. I just felt pressured to keep my phone by me because he kept wanting details of where we were now.. when did the band play… what stage were they at.. etc…
    So finally I just turned my phone off and didn’t see Joe all weekend long and he hasn’t contacted me again yet. I just got to the point where I felt that if he wanted to be with us, he could figure out where everything was happening, just like the rest of the people did. So, I was irritated for half a second then I chose not to let it ruin my weekend.

    Another CD.. Ed… we had an intimate time eight days ago. Then he called me three days after and I just let the phone ring. I didn’t feel like talking to him. Then my family came into town and he tried texting and calling and I just, for some unexplained reason, did not want to mess with him. Finally I sent a quick text that my family was in town and I wanted to focus on them this weekend. He texted back that he completely understands. (for what ever reason, I still don’t feel compelled to make any contact with him.)

    Another CD… Ken… well… I was with my little sis at one of the pre-band parties. Ken came over to us, hugged me, started buying us drinks.. it was fun. But next thing I knew, my sis and Ken were gone. (Can You Believe That????) Well, I never even had a chance to tell my sis that this is a guy I was kind of seeing. And granted, Ken and I haven’t been intimate since before the new year.. so it’s been four months since we kissed or anything.

    So I went to the band all by myself. No dates, no sis, and all my friends were with others. At one point I looked around and realized.. I am alone. And I started laughing. I haven’t been out and alone in a long time. I have always friends or dates or someone. I started laughing and laughing. Then I took my shoes off and went out on to the dance floor and swirled and twirled and jumped and sang along with my brother’s voice. I felt free. I felt liberated.

    I went home, both my daughters were staying the weekend with friends, so my home was all deserted as well. It was a very strange weekend. And yet, now it’s Monday and I still feel very much like being alone, like focusing on me again for a while. It felt so good for some reason.

    I haven’t heard from any of my CD’s. I haven’t even felt like reaching out. I think I am going to focus on me for a while and then start all the way over. I think I’m going to wipe the slate clean and begin again and attract a whole new set of men. I think I’m shifting again……



  47.  #47GlowStix on April 21, 2014 at 4:57 pm

    I feel smiley and content. It’s kind of gorgeous outside. Not in a typical sunny way…There are clouds and a light breeze. It feels airy and fresh. My heart is thumping slightly. I feel anxiety there as well. It exists like my shadow. It’s there, and I know it’s there, and I don’t “notice” it unless I check on it.



  48.  #48Femininewoman on April 21, 2014 at 6:33 pm

    Redbutterfly I don’t know about that father-in-law thing. I would definitely be impatient knowing me. You have settled into a comfortable relationship with him. He knows you are not going anywhere so he is okay taking his time.

    Have you ever thought of rocking the boat? He seems to be invested and likely not going anywhere. Maybe it is time for him to experience what life might be like without you in it. Give him some space or some spicy drama and maybe the father-in-law issue might go away.



  49.  #49prplpsn28 on April 21, 2014 at 6:58 pm

    🙂



  50.  #50Emerson on April 21, 2014 at 8:27 pm

    Sometimes I worry that I missed my window to find a partner …
    I am trying hard to imagine myself in a long term successful happy relationship…
    I’ve usually had faith that it would happen….
    Lately I feel fear that I’ve maybe been naiive



  51.  #51Veronica on April 21, 2014 at 8:44 pm

    This weekend has been a mix of things. I had some good times with family but in the middle of all that, I could sense a shift happening in me. It was as though the bottom fell out for me. I didn’t feel inspired to contact BearCD. I want a deeper connection and can’t quite say what that is yet – and I know that it’s me, that I want to have more connected interactions. I was also struck by how bizarre it was to have my happiness depend on an interaction with a man ‘going well’. That seems to be making space for my boundaries and self-love – the failure of an interaction to ‘develop’ doesn’t seem like a failure on my part to ‘comply’ with what was necessary to make that interaction ‘successful’.



  52.  #52Indigo on April 21, 2014 at 9:52 pm

    Redbutterfly,

    If I were you, I most definitely would NOT wait around. This issue of his late wife’s family might resolve itself eventually, and I have a feeling it will, but it’s not a nice feeling for YOU in the meantime.

    I have had success with things like this by shaking things up. I think what you did by not answering your phone for a few hours was good. I don’t know, if it were me, I’d probably start to organize a few more things to do on my own or without him, whilst staying soft and receptive. I believe, I really do, that men most often instinctively know the reason when we pull away a little.



  53.  #53Emerson on April 21, 2014 at 9:58 pm

    10&11 ((Tereana))



  54.  #54Emerson on April 21, 2014 at 10:01 pm

    52 indigo
    I like what you said here…
    I have a tendency to shake things up but I don’t really stay soft and receptive…
    I may join eharmony just to see what happens…



  55.  #55Millie on April 21, 2014 at 10:28 pm

    Indigo 12– I completely agree with you…that method can work, but leaning back and letting a man come to you is so much more true and worth it!! Jessica is in a relationship with a man who is still married although he and his wife are separated. Apparently she is mentally ill…but nonetheless, he is married on paper. When I think about the relationships my two female friends are in, I wouldn’t want to be in them. I don’t want the dynamic and kind of relationship they have, so perhaps it’s ok to appreciate their approach and politely disagree with it.

    I’m excited to blossom into the confident, self-assured woman I know I am.

    Tereana– Yes, I totally get what you are saying as well….it is all in your vibe! I feel like I can totally practice this on some other men, not mechanic right now, I’m not ready, but some other guys where I’m not invested in their answer.

    Andrea– Since you first mentioned your card idea, I thought it was a good one! I’ve been thinking of making my own since I’d like to expand my work into doing custom clothing on top of my primary job. So, the cards would help in both areas. Many guys ask me to do alterations as sort of a pick-up anyway haha…
    I think what I’m hearing from everyone is that leaning forward can be fun and a good exercise in confidence, but when a man leans forward first it feels more rewarding and enchanting than any first moves you ever make. Thanks ladies!!!



  56.  #56Zia on April 22, 2014 at 12:43 am

    Hi Sirens! I feel so happy. I am sitting in my boat, my guy is rowing it, and not only that he’s making sure that there’s a parasol over my head so I’m in the shade and he’s keeping my glass topped up. Aaaaah how relaxing and easy breezy!



  57.  #57Azure Blu on April 22, 2014 at 5:06 am

    Zia
    Wow it feels so warm and godessy where you are!!
    How lovely to have a parasol and a topped off glass…

    you had asked about saying “I love you” first. When I was younger the guys always said I love you first… but now that I am dating (I’m 62) the last guy I was in a relationship with (2 yrs) I said it first… and then I noticed my anxiety rose, i began to want him to say it… my friends told me… “Azure, he is acting like he loves you… don’t force the issue” but it made me feel off balance (now I know it’s because I had leaned forward too much for me)… He told me he loved me on our first anniversary… Very romantic! 🙂
    It feels like to me you are experiencing “I love you” from him…



  58.  #58Azure Blu on April 22, 2014 at 5:23 am

    Ohhh… by-the-way… I am no longer with that man… he needed lots of time and space to be on his own (he had been married for 37 years). Many tears, lonely nights and practicing the RR way I am CDing and every day loving me more.
    I do notice I am getting better at listening with curiosity although my date on Sunday triggered me… he kept needing to discuss politics and saying the same thing over and over… I don’t think i used feeling messages ” I feel very uncomfortable” After several discussions throughout the day I finally said I need to go… He asked me out for the next night… 🙂



  59.  #59Azure Blu on April 22, 2014 at 5:47 am

    Emerson 50
    I can soooo understand what you are saying… just last Friday I was feeling soo broken hearted and sad and felt quite sure I will always be alone…

    I had broken off a 4 month exclusive relationship. (it was mutual) I was proud of myself for holding on to my boundaries… but I was sobbing because I am still without a loving, adoring man in my life. This blog… reading all of the loving, curious, sharing… always gives my heart hope and helps me emerse (can’t spell) myself in NOW… and all that it takes to love me more. Thank you Sirens!!



  60.  #60Femininewoman on April 22, 2014 at 6:05 am

    Azure my experience is that many times they come back. Most times. Your age group I imagine that he would want space so early in the relationship because it is something I have experienced also. These men have lived most of their lives without us so they have their valid reasons for wanting space. It’d say give him the space while you look inside to see if you really want to be broken up. If not I’d give it some time, maybe two months or more and then reach out if you are okay being friends with him. With CDating you might find you are able to drop your expectations on him. As you are the one who broke it off I don’t believe it will do any harm if you lean forward at just have a heart to heart with him. You might be surprised what you might learn.



  61.  #61Azure Blu on April 22, 2014 at 6:38 am

    Thank you FW for this insight…

    The 4 month exclusive… I’ll call him KS (met him online) … Such a great experience for me… I am doing better at my FM and softly stating my boundaries… He wanted to be exclusive within a month (which I wanted to do as I am really good at CDing)… I struggle wth commitment!

    It was lovely… waited for sex until I felt comfortable… saw each other alot all week… lovely dinners at my favorite restaurants, he cooked dinners for me… met his family and friends… BUT… i started to realize he beats everyone up with his MONEY (he is financially ok)… ALWAYs talking about it… I mentioned something about ‘wonder why you mention sooo much about how much things cost”… he seemed to stop.. other things came up… he called me “F** stupid” “I said you can’t talke to me like that” Called women different names… “I’m not comfortable with that”… Ultimately he started pulling away (I declined going on a cruise with him as he was talking about how much it was costing)….

    Before KS left on the cruise he said
    “I am not comfortable with your age” I am 5 yrs. older.
    “I am not comfortable with where you live” I live in a VERY nice townhouse but it is a Coop.
    Sooo this break up is VERY mutual… He did contact me at Easter 3 weeks since KS left for the cruise…
    I agree… Sometime I would like to say to him “Let’s end on a friendly basis”

    I feel heart broken, even though KS is NOT what I want, I want to say yes, yes, yes to a wonderful, rest of my life relationship and it feels like it may never happen… 🙁



  62.  #62Veronica on April 22, 2014 at 6:41 am

    Yay Zia!



  63.  #63Azure Blu on April 22, 2014 at 6:44 am

    PS…. In the meant time I have met a man who asked me out (4 dates now)… ends up he is 10 yrs. younger and is fine with that… me too!! ;-}
    and an ol CD from 7 months ago has contacted me… i’ll see what might happen!

    emotions all over the place… for me, I notice, there is a time of mourning when one relationship ends. KS and I were seeing each other on a daily basis… fortunately we both saw the light quickly.



  64.  #64Femininewoman on April 22, 2014 at 6:46 am

    Wow. Azure I am totally not comfortable with the name calling. The last set of statements seems to me like him looking for BS excuses to give you reason to breakup. Seems he finally looked at you and realize that you are human. A lot of men do that at around the 4 month mark when they are debating with themselves about the relationship. He might upgrade himself and come back. Who knows. If he does you want to be confident and sireny so he sees and feels what a wonderful opportunity he messed up.



  65.  #65Azure Blu on April 22, 2014 at 7:03 am

    FM… ((hugs))) I feel sooo heard…. thank you.

    interesting you mentioned the 4 month thing… I did look it up when this was going on and that’s exactly what was said… we both start seeing each other a real people…

    yeah… name calling was a deal breaker… I had observed KS with others and his daughter (28 yrs old) he treated her so rudely!!! UGH!!!

    I had leaned forward 2 weeks after KS got back from the cruise… we only texted… I was hoping for closure i guess….I didn’t want to talk on the phone (I don’t know why) He didn’t want to talk on the phone…

    Somehow…. after reading the blog… listening to RR Modern Siren again… riffing and going on a date with JD and hearing from MK i’ve dropped KS off of my horse and am riding on…



  66.  #66redbutterfly on April 22, 2014 at 7:04 am

    Thanks Femininewoman and Indigo for your thoughts and I agree with both of you! Might be time to make myself a little scarce here and there without trying to play games. The next time he goes off on his own to his late wife’s family, I will make sure I have something fabulous planned. My daughter picked up on the whole vibe when we were out at breakfast that morning, (she is 16) and started teasing him about all the wonderful things we were going to do that day without him, like go to the circus, fly to the moon, meet an astronaut, play with midget elephants. It was kind of cute that she picked up on my feelings and teased him!



  67.  #67Veronica on April 22, 2014 at 7:06 am

    BearCD noted how our conversations had been more chatter than connection and was wondering if we could have more connected communication in order to better understand our compatibility i.e. aspirations, expectations, concerns. I thought wow, now I can start taking him seriously, and it feels as though peaceful fresh air just came into my being – it’s a relief to hear a man wanting that level of interaction instead of me hoping that that will happen sometime maybe. Whatever happens I am so glad I had this experience because this is doing so much good for me right now. A lot of good thoughts too.



  68.  #68Femininewoman on April 22, 2014 at 7:13 am

    RedButterfly she sounds like a real girl. A real siren.



  69.  #69Azure Blu on April 22, 2014 at 7:22 am

    redbutterly,
    Your daughter’s response to her feelings are Wonderful!!

    Such a great reminder of how playfullness takes an anxious moment to the next level and no blaming or shaming!!!
    Gee… I want to do that. ;->



  70.  #70Emerson on April 22, 2014 at 1:54 pm

    Thanks azure blue for your reply to me! I like your style and I like your thoughts and feelings that you are sharing…it feels very open and raw and authentic…
    I tend to tense up and go silent when I feel uncomfortable with a man or a situation ….
    I’ve practiced getting over that with my cding and it has been a good experience to practice boundaries!

    For example I have one potential cd who has tried to make last minute plans and even asked me to pick him up. I have been able to express that I feel uncomfortable with those things and be true to myself.
    And…what is he thinking asking me to pick him up!!!!??



  71.  #71Mercedes on April 22, 2014 at 2:14 pm

    Hey Rori! I’m going to be in NYC part of the time you’re going to be there too!!! Maybe we’ll run into each other!! 🙂 haha!! (what are the chances???) 🙂

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  72.  #72Zia on April 22, 2014 at 7:25 pm

    Azure Blu 57: Yes you are bang on! I FEEL loved. And I feel like I can love him without having to say it. When I have said it in the past it has come from an almost anxious, needy, clingy, overwhelming energy. This time feels so different. Sometimes he says things to me and in my head I respond “I love you too”. This feels good 🙂



  73.  #73Indigo12 on April 24, 2014 at 9:40 pm

    Hi Rori

    Indigo here. I am having trouble posting on the latest thread. My comments just disappear.

    Could you please look into this for me?

    Thank you xx