Siren School Coaching – How Jane Found A Third Way…

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Jane loved a man named Jim, who was really happy with the way things were.

“Leave things the way they are…” was his message…only things were going nowhere for Jane.

They had separate houses for over three years, he didn’t seem interested in marriage, he was loosey-goosey with their dating and how often they saw each other – and after she’d tried everything she knew, everything her friends told her – she came to Siren Island for coaching.

Right off the bat, the difference between how the Rori Raye Coaching Method works and everything else Jane’d heard was totally obvious – and it nearly made Jane laugh in the middle of all her pain.

What she’d expected from the Siren Island coaches was what she’d pretty much heard from everyone else: Leave him.

Everyone she’d talked to before told her she should leave this man – because, well, it’s the obvious advice, isn’t it?

All her girlfriends (and even a therapist and a coach) told her to “leave him” (though some told her to “be super nice and just go along with him until he makes up his mind…”).

The options seem to make sense.  Just “go.” Or stay and try extra hard to keep things the way they are.

Only thing is – Jane didn’t WANT to “go,” and she was miserable with the way things “were.”

She wanted to “work it out,” to “see it through,” “to make it BETTER!” – and she just KNEW there was some way to get the relationship into forward gear.

When a man is slow or stuck (this does NOT include an abusive man – RUN, please, from that!) most “experts” will council to either “Get angry with him, make demands, tell him what a jerk he is, and if he doesn’t shape up – just leave and learn to enjoy being alone.” Or “Be really nice and sweet, and just go along with whatever he says.” Basically “go or stay.”

Hardly what Jane, or you or I want to hear. And no one wants to learn how to “love being alone.”

On Siren Island, Jane learned that she didn’t have to stay or go. Instead, she found a “Third Way” of being with Jim, using principles that seem at opposite poles: “Warmth” and “Distance.”

She didn’t have to make ANY either/or choices.

She didn’t have to see things in black or white.

She didn’t have to stay or go, and she didn’t have to either blast him by telling him what he was doing wrong, or be completely doormat-like and ignore her own needs.

This meant that she learned to find the distance from Jim – physically, intellectually, emotionally and psychologically –  where she felt able to stay completely open to him NO MATTER WHAT.

No matter what was going on, what he said or did or what he once said or did.

No matter what, she became able to “unzip” her heart, feel all her feelings – anger, joy, love, fear, all of it – and stay open to him.

So – what did this change in attitude get Jane?

*All of a sudden, Jim was under less pressure from her .

* He started to trust that Jane wasn’t going to “surround” him emotionally, or expect a closeness he didn’t “think” he was ready for. AND – with the sudden change in their dynamic – he instinctively started to move closer to her.

*All of a sudden he felt the room and space to realize that Jane wasn’t hovering or standing close – and so HE closed the gap.

*He became curious.

*What he expected with this new “distance” was that Jane would be closed to him. He expected “cold and resentful.” He expected her to shut him out. He totally expected her to not trust him on any level.

*Instead, when his curiosity brought him in closer to Jane – both physically and emotionally – what he found was a warm, open, vulnerable Jane with feelings.

What he found was an emotional woman – angry, yes – but what he heard were words that said exactly what Jane was feeling, WITHOUT making him out to be the “bully.”

In fact, she wasn’t blaming him for anything at all.

Jim was so eager to accept that things had changed with Jane, and that he wasn’t going to be “made out the bad guy” and constantly disappoint her –  his own shut-down and withdrawn behavior suddenly stopped.

So, what did Jane do?

Jane learned, by being encouraged to say what she would normally say to Jim – and also say what she was truly feeling – to “Script” herself.

Scripting gave her the words to say directly to Jim. Only, instead of the words she’d always used before –  ones that fell on deaf ears and stated arguments – these new words had a different result.

Shockingly, Jim could HEAR these words. And he didn’t get defensive or snap back at her. Instead, he actually stepped closer to her and was interested in what she was saying.

Even better – Jane, for the first time – felt like she could now express herself completely.  She actually was able to get out what she was feeling, instead of going off into a corner and building resentment and closing down.

And once she got over the fear of saying some pretty deep emotional things, just by doing it over and over, a little at a time, she started to feel liberated and bold – something she’d never felt before!

Then Jane learned to “Settle Him In.”

She Jane slowly followed the Siren Island coaches’ instructions (and mine, because I’m on the Island nearly every day), and settled Jim into her house without his even noticing!

At the same time, while Jane was settling him into HER home, with all the support from her new friends on the island, Jane settled herself into HIS his house, too!

Then – Jim noticed her Settling into his home.

He was fine and oblivious about settling into HER home (it was convenient), yet Jane could feel moments of tension as she made herself comfortable in HIS home.

Still, Jane was prepared – she’d learned to look for “The Balk.”

Jane was prepared with “Feeling Speeches” if Jim should back away, say he needed space, or that he wasn’t ready for a commitment or to live together, or complain that her toiletries were now in his bathroom, her clothes in his closet.

How Jane Stayed Cool:

She never took one step forward without feeling good about where she was – most importantly feeling prepared to be open and vulnerable no matter what. And she had constant contact and support with the Siren Island coaches, every step of the way.

Jane was amazed – yet Jim never DID “balk!”

He just let it all happen – because, deep down, it was what he wanted, too, and because Jane made him feel SO GOOD!

As Jane started feeling easier and softer, he just naturally came closer…

And the closer he came, the more confident she felt.

As she felt more confident, her “vibe” became easier, sweeter and sexier.

She found interesting things to do: art, dance, an improv class…things she hadn’t really allowed herself the time to get involved in before.

And What Did Jim Do?

All of a sudden, Jane was interesting. She now had exotic experiences in dance class and on an improv stage to talk about, and Jim had to up his game to get her attention.

He never felt like he had to “hang around” or “entertain” her – instead, he felt fascinated and inspired by her vibrant life.

He just got used to the idea of being together. Instead of feeling surrounded and cramped, like he was in danger of losing his “space,” he felt better than before.

He was having more fun, he started to really like her being around.

They got engaged, and they got married!

And all this happened really fast.

If you follow the Siren Steps, they work. On Siren Island, you learn to use these Steps
baby-step-by-baby-step.”

Instead of general advice and ideas – Jane actually got WORDS.

She wrote down the Scripts the coaches gave her, and it made her feel confident just to know what to say to Jim instead of falling back on the old words of frustration and blame that had pushed Jim away.

Most important for Jane – she got a new definition of “feminine.”

Instead of always finding herself in her masculine “head,” trying to figure out what was wrong and how to fix it – she was learning to live in her feminine feelings.

As Jane gained confidence and began to trust her feelings as her guide, Jim began to relax around her more and more. Now, there was no more reason to think about “leaving,” and “staying” was better than she’d imagined possible.

Love, Rori

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4 Comments

  1.  #1Femininewoman on December 12, 2017 at 7:06 am

    Every time I hear the words “Leave things the way they are…” inside I go hmph. That smacks of apathy which is never good for any area of life. Worse yet for romance



  2.  #2Indigo on December 12, 2017 at 11:24 am

    Feminine Woman,

    What irritates me even more about those words is that the only thing that is certain in life is change. Nothing ever stays the way that it is. Even if you stand still, the world and the people around you keep moving. A man (or woman) who says these words doesn’t understand that keeping things the way they are is not possible.



  3.  #3Daria on December 13, 2017 at 6:27 pm

    Is he not suppoaed to feel hes gots entertain me ? I tend to feel entitled , esp on a date. I guess that’s my defenses. I feel mad and scared I Do want to be entertained by him by a man waaaah I feel terrified wanting this



  4.  #4Indigo on December 13, 2017 at 11:03 pm

    Daria,

    I hear you. I’m kind of the same. I like to feel that a man has put effort into wanting me to have a good time on a date. That is what allows me to soften and open up. I light up. If a man is not putting effort in, I go kind of dull and indifferent. That’s with a date, mind you.

    I suppose it’s different in a long-term relationship, like Jane’s, where they have been together for a long time and are at the “moving in” phase of their relationship. In that case, I can see what Rori is saying. I’ve been there, and it is a nice feeling when you are both really familiar with each other to be able to share a life and a house without depending on each other for entertainment. You have your own interests and activities, and it’s a really nice feeling when a man comes over and takes an interest in what you are doing out of genuine attraction and curiosity, rather than out of a sense of obligation.