So – Do You Have The Right To Be Angry With Him Over This…?

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Of course you do.

Anger is always something you have the right to!

What you DO with that anger – and what you know about it and feel about it is what’s important here, and what makes a difference to your love life.

…I don’t think this has anything to do with strategy, or the “if I do this, then what will he do” thinking – that’s how we women all get into trouble.

You have personal skills now, to feel what it is you want, rather than concoct a strategic “guess.”

Text him or call him when you want to. don’t worry about the impact.

You have the skills now to not ‘harp” or yell or even make him wrong.

Remember – let me give you an example:

A man is an alcoholic. A woman goes out with him, and does not know he’s an alcoholic.  (I’m using alcoholic, this could be anything that doesn’t feel good for you all the time.) – She gets involved with him, enjoys him, cares for him, sleeps with him, gets attached, starts thinking of a future with him, then realizes, suddenly, perhaps at a party, that he drinks more than other men.

She notices she finds him charming, even when he drinks, but that he’s doing it a lot.  She mentions it to him.  He denys, labels her.

She starts to feel uncomfortable, but is so attached, she believes she can “fix” this.

She can be the “good woman” who gets him to stop drinking and focus on her and good things.

(And I actually know a woman who accomplished this with a man I was actually in love with. I was not that “good woman” for him – she was… I remember feeling jealous that I could not be that woman for him, didn’t know how, wasn’t in my makeup…And I have NO IDEA how that relationship actually went, or if it’s still going.)

Only, for this woman who wants to “fix” this man – nothing really changes, so she starts to doubt herself and her abilities, and gets ANGRY at him.

So – if you look at it – she’s angry because?

She’s angry because he is the way he is.

It’s not something anyone asked her to accept.

It’s always been her choice whether to be with him or not.

She always had control.

Yet, here she is, angry with HIM, for just being…HIM!!!

So – if she has no skills, she just yells and cries.

If she has skills, she talks with him in a meaningful way, invites him to AA, stands by him – and then, it feels more and more and more like HER project, her responsibility to fix him up so he can be the partner for her she WANTs him to be!!!

See where I’m going?

I think a man, a person, gives off signals and flags from the beginning, but we don’t listen, don’t see, don’t acknowledge, or think we can overcome it – or he’ll naturally improve.

And – it also takes awhile to sort out what’s really important to us, and what we can “let go” of.

Sometimes, yes, we get lucky.

Most of the time, no.

And – sometimes, our being angry and expressing it well, over time, is enough to make a man WANT to change, make a drunk WANT to be sober.

Yet, the truth is, a woman can’t be the motivation for that.

That’s a pretty heavy burden to put on ourself in any situation.

We are all on our own path. Sometimes our paths align, and we get together and stay together.

I believe, if any woman can motivate a man – you can!

AND yet, the anger and hurt you feel is like being angry at a stone for being a stone.

I hear clearly that you may not see him as grievously and eternally “challenged.”

That you find him responsible and ABLE to be a partner, and are devastated when he does something that feels awful.

I just hate for you to feel so bad for days on end over ANY man, and it makes me want to beat him up!

These qualities of his, these priorities, are not necessarily BAD.

Many women wouldn’t care about things that are very, veery  important to you or I.

Yet, is something is important to YOU – YOU have to live with the qualities a man has, and be prepared to not really have anger be a viable thing.

It’s like: Men TELL us how they are and who they are and what’s important to them right now. So they basically cut our anger off at the knees.

In a way – I don’t think it matters one tiny bit how you handle something like this!

If it omes up for you, I totally trust you’ll handle it elegantly, maturely, with great, loving expression and truth.

You’re saying “This is important to me! – And that’s totally FAIR!!!

It’s like a CODE between you.

You build a vocabulary together, so he knows what’s going to be upsetting to you and what isn’t, and then he can make decisions accordingly.  That’s a part of what dating and rrelationship is for.

You find out who he is, he finds out who you are – and, in the process – he finds out more about who HE is, and you find out more about who YOU are!

Love, Rori

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