So Much Stuff On My Facebook Page

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I’m generally not muchfb quote about Facebook (and hardly ever refer anyone there)…

…and, yet, I see that in this new world, getting “FB likes” and “shares” equals “getting heard…”

Messages come from everywhere…

Here are some beautiful photos to go with beautiful and helpful love, self-esteem, peace-inspiring quotes (mine and others)…Hope you like them, feel moved by them, and want to “like” and share them…:

This FB pix/quote from me above is so true – we overfunction, we “try hard,” we “work” at relationships because we’ve been trained, our whole lives, to believe that our “worth” depends upon what we “DO.”

And it’s not true.

We have worth just because we have worth. Because we are….Because we are women…

We are worthy.

We don’t have to push, don’t have to try, don’t have to think five steps ahead of what’s happening right now.

Love, Rori


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  1.  #1Femininewoman on September 19, 2014 at 4:45 pm

    Thanks for the reminder

  2.  #2RileyTheOwl on September 19, 2014 at 9:29 pm

    My favorite part of Facebook is NOT seeing posts from friends, seeing pictures and status updates from other people…

    My favorite part is after a long day… to open up my news feed and see beautiful girly goddessy pictures that make me feel all relaxed and are a reminder to lean back.

    i like to see posts from all the inspiring pages I’ve liked, pictures and quotes that make me smile…. i try to allow my news feed to fill up mostly with these inspiring relaxing things that help me breathe, instead of getting all caught up into what other people are up to and doing.

  3.  #3Millie on September 19, 2014 at 11:28 pm

    Oh facebook….so much “stuff” is right!

    Completely off topic, one thing that has been on my mind lately is the action of men saying one thing to one woman and doing the opposite with another. This phenomenon of a man saying he doesn’t want a relationship (meaning with you) and turning around and spending every spare minute with another. The law of attraction at work, I know. But I can help but feel dismayed…if you can create that possibility with attraction with every man, then when a man says he’s not looking for a relationship, it means you didn’t create that magic for him. This is what is happening with Mechanic, overnight it seems, he is spending all this time with new woman. I wonder what she’s like…how she acts that is so different from me. I’m curious. I wish I could be a fly on the wall, seriously…to know what a woman like her is like with men. What is like to be with her? What magic does she hold to capture a man like him?

    I feel so distant from it all, like looking out the window of a train leaving the station. It will always be a wonder.

    My week was super crazy at work. I find myself working harder and harder, but very exhausted at racing the clock, ever changing decisions, and verbal abuse, and noise. I’m amazed at how much I am able to accomplish! Right now, I seek to be quiet and still. I decided in regards to the dancing, to not let my insecurities win and to also not stop doing what I’ve always done, just dance! I’ve let this new dance shake me up a bit and it’s changed my vibe in the dance hall. It’s unnecessary, and if the dance teacher guy was actually into me, he’d do something about it, so no need to worry myself about that.

    I just want to embrace sirendom, let go of all this crap that’s been weighing me down, and blow everyone away with my radiance. All the people that have caused me pain, I want them blown away.

  4.  #4Kath on September 20, 2014 at 12:18 am

    I am focussing on being kind to myself today. I am emotionally warned out. But I have come to realise that I felt devastated when I realised that I wasn’t enough for him. He was the first guy I had been exclusive with who was a grand dad and together we loved having the grandkids over at weekends and taking them for days out. Two of them have been born whilst we were together. But there were times when he was very rude to me and uncaring and I came to understand it was when he was stepping up contact with either his x-wife or the x-girlfriend. I did a feeling message to him over a year ago that I really wanted us to have time for each other and to get to know each other and know what we wanted as we both said that we wanted to be with each other. I did admit that I was wary of the way he behaved with the X’s and was looking for reassurance from him. Looking back now, I didn’t really get that, I was just told that it was my insecurity and I had to deal with it. Whilst he continued to flirt with them and beg for their attention when he felt distant from me. I began to withdraw and then close down because I had given up repeating myself and him not understanding me and disrespecting my feelings. In return he began criticising me and blaming me for him not doing things or going places saying that it was my fault he couldn’t go because I couldn’t get the time off work. The craziness continued until I think we both resented each other and right now we can’t even be in the same house. Rori’s right, we give too much, we take too much responsibility for the relationship to work, we steer the boat. My mistake was also telling him he was wrong, telling him not to treat me the way he was, I should have acted sooner. Feel drained.

  5.  #5Indigo on September 20, 2014 at 5:44 am


    Have you considered the possibility that you are actually feeding Mechanic’s relationship with this woman by focusing so much on it? I’m not saying it isn’t normal to feel the way you do, but in my opinion you need to find a way to let this go.

    I think you are asking the wrong questions – I mean I know many of us are curious about a woman we “perceive” is a true man magnet or siren, but the truth is it may not be that way. I don’t think you would feel better if you knew what she “did” differently, I think you’d feel worse. I feel your focus should go on working to believe that you have everything a man could need and want, and developing your own unique charm. I think this idea that there is one “right” way to attract lots of men is damaging – we all have gorgeous things about us that men find entrancing and we should focus on loving and developing those.


  6.  #6Indigo on September 20, 2014 at 5:57 am

    I got 5 hours sleep at the most last night – D and I stayed up till 3 in the morning watching movies and talking. Normally I wouldn’t have gone along with that, but I’ve missed him and it was so good to spend time with him.

    I hadn’t seen him in over a week because I’ve been coping with quite a bit of anxiety – my mind making up stories about things that, not surprisingly, turned out not to be true. I really tried to cope with this on my own as much as possible – or at least, process it on my own. Even while at times I was freaking out, in the back of my mind somewhere I knew that probably this was all going on inside me, and things really were not as bad as the gremlins were trying to tell me they were. What triggered all of this actually ties into the topic of this post…

    I snooped on Facebook for the first time in 6 months. I was looking for “evidence” (really? huh? aren’t our gremlin voices weird 🙂 ) I really will never do this again. I’ve realized that 1) my nasty voices will blow whatever I see WAY out of proportion. 2) Even if I see something which doesn’t sit well with me, I won’t feel any better for knowing about it in this way because there is nothing I can do about it. 3) What you focus on grows. Interestingly, the last time there was *anything* of concern was the last time I snooped.

    So. Lesson learned. I am feeling SO much better, and am looking forward to drinks and dinner out with a girlfriend tonight 🙂

  7.  #7Kim on September 20, 2014 at 6:09 am

    Yeah, I am not a big fan of fb snooping, or rather, I am in two minds.
    It has actually revealed two liars to me in recent years…so I was incredibly grateful for having snooped else, it would have taken much longer to find out I was being double timed. In that sense, fb has been of great service to me.

    In another way, unless I feel the partner is future potential, or commitment is on the table, there is not much point in snooping, a bit of a waste of time….I still think it can reveal a lot about someones personality….a fb profile.

    I recently became friends on fb with MoM, my closest CD…and I haven’t felt compelled to snoop at all. A few reasons. For one I know he is not an active fb user.
    The other reason is that I know he is not seeing other women and I don’t have to worry about my sexual or mental health regaring that part, hence zero anxiety. Hence no need or wish or want to even click on his profile right now. I find it helpful when a man doesn’t stir these things up in me like MrP would by commenting on other women’s pictures saying how hot they are…ewwwww. And then, when we were dating, I was always looking to see how many options he was keeping open.
    I don’t date guys like that anymore when it feels icky.
    Hopefully I won’t feel compelled to snoop again ever, can’t guarantee it but sometimes it is also curiosity, pictures, family etc.

  8.  #8Zara on September 20, 2014 at 6:21 am

    From previous thread:
    277: Zara says:
    “Comment 88 by Kim, reminded me of Rori Raye’s own comment underneath one of her articles.”

    => 1
    The copy-pasted article written by Rori Raye, October 2011

    If He Unfriends You On Facebook – Drop Him!

    Here’s a letter that actually made me feel hopping mad!

    “Hi Rori,

    I am feeling all stuck and screwed up again over this man – I’ll call him “J”.

    He came back again since last time. We had another batch of seeing each other. This time I didn’t sleep with him and I stayed leaned back. Last week he mailed me and asked to see me. I said ‘It would feel GREAT to see you and I don’t feel good accepting dates without a time and confirmed plan.’

    There was no response.

    This week he has ‘unfriended’ me on Facebook.

    I think it is because at my birthday party (a few weeks ago) I let another man dance with me (and he also kissed me briefly when we were alone). Then “J” kinda stepped in and ‘claimed’ me. Bear in mind before the party I had not seen J for about a month and he was not stepping up at my party either. Of course I don’t KNOW this is the reason… it is likely though.

    I feel so confused.

    I mean I had come to terms with that he may not step up but this (being unfriended) really cuts!

    So what do I do here? Do I message him and ask him ‘Hey you have unfriended me, how come?’ or do I just stay leaned back and not do anything?

    I also feel guilty about kissing his friend.

    Thanks as Ever Rori.


    My Answer:

    Ruthie – I so rarely give such firm advice – DROP THIS MAN LIKE A COLD POTATO!!!! NOW.

    Whyever you feel the need to have anything to do with him – it’s about YOU punishing YOU.

    Get away from him and start online dating like mad…give it a bigger push than you have been.

    Do NOT ask him anything!!!

    Unfriending you is about the stupidest, most immature, unmanly thing a guy can do. Drop him!!!

    Sincerely, Rori Raye”


    I don’t know why J was at Ruthie’s party, and I know that I’ve kissed more than one man at a party and thought – looking back especially – that it was pretty cool, but this facebook thing is way over the top for me.

    It’s like high school.

    The whole thing about relationships is this: Intimacy is not natural, not now, not with the way our experiences and society has made us think.

    So – every step we take toward intimacy is going to feel wrong.

    Unsafe and wrong. UNTIL…we DO it! And it FEELS GOOD!!!

    It’s our job to overturn those ideas about what’s right and wrong and learn to TALK to a man. To SHARE ourselves with every man around in the most authentic, lovely way possible.

    If you can’t talk, you can’t be intimate.

    A man who uses facebook to shut you out is a man who can’t talk. It’s like the bad father who slams the door on you.

    Get rid of any man who shuts you out. Period.

    Love, Rori

  9.  #9Zara on September 20, 2014 at 6:22 am

    From previous thread:
    278: Zara says:

    => 2
    Comments copy-pasted from under the article
    “If He Unfriends You On Facebook – Drop Him!”

    => VW says:

    Rori, Wow…

    Now, what does that makes of me? I deleted two guys who I dated and befriended me on Fb; Initially, i accepted, later to notice…i felt awkward to have them on my page…and more so…i noticed feeling tempted to look at their page and triggered finding out things i was not interested in knowing…:(

    Am i acting like a high-school “cheerleader” to?

    warm hugs

    Monday, 24 October 2011 7:35am

    =>sammie sighs says:

    VW that puts a bit of percpective on it I unfriended my ex as it too hurt too much to see him hmmmmm…

    Monday, 24 October 2011 7:48am

    =>mali says:

    I was in tears reading this, because I yesterday unfriended a man who has been really good to me, but I can feel myself getting attached; I didn’t even want to see his name, it’s important to me that I “move on” so to speak, or transfer that focus on myself.

    I believe that if you feel better not having them on your page, that’s what is right for you. It is our job to receive, so to have a man who has been chasing a woman suddenly “unfriend” her, that really is immature. I’m not sure I make much sense…

    Monday, 24 October 2011 7:51am

    => VW says:

    Hmm…i feel fear building up as i am contemplating sharing my thoughts /dilemmas…

    I think what goes for the goose should go for the geese…this dude has the right to delete whoever…

    When this happens to me, for example, the answer is not in asking anybody what u should do, but work through your own feelings…

    Yes, it feels bad…it sucks…it hurts…
    Everytime my mind switches to my left side and tries to “think” why it happened and what did i do…gentle bring it back…to my heart…unzip it…feel it…and stay still…

    Hmm…i feel a bit judgmental this morning twds Roothie who is supposedly an experienced Siren…:( I noticed a lot of “crises” and “poor me”…”what should i do?” and “rescue me” stories …:(…thank u…thank u…more healing for me on this…

    Monday, 24 October 2011 7:57am

    mali says:

    I think the reason Rori has given such firm advice is because he withdrew intimacy by way of the internet. But ofcourse, we don’t know his thoughts or intentions… I’m not sure.

    But I know that it is my job to look after me, to take care of me when I feel sad.

    Unfriending this man was an act of loving me.

    In fact, I will paste the post I wrote on the previous thread here:

    {It’s been a while since I’ve posted here, but I wanted to share something with you Sirens.

    For the past three years, I’ve known a guy, let’s call him Alex.
    He lives about two hours away from me, and we’re both busy studying.
    He’s always been a complete gentleman to me, taken care of me when I’ve seen him, and I’ve just felt so GOOD and sireny around him.
    The thing is, we don’t maintain much contact, and we don’t see each other much either. He treats me so well when I see him, and he’s eager to see me whenever I’m in his hometown, however at times he forgets or doesn’t get back to me about meeting up.
    I sense sincerity on his part, especially when he messages me, offering a hug, or words of comfort and advice when he sees statuses of mine on facebook as feeling sad or hurt, and I truly appreciate it.

    However, after three years, a part of me *still* likes him. I know that, considering our history of communication and meeting up, I need to try and let this go. He’s a good man, but I know that the repeated “getting stuck” on him when I do see him, and the wondering of what ifs isn’t doing me any good.

    So I’ve deleted him from my facebook account and all other IM applications.
    The only way of communication is thru my number. I’m sure that at somepoint he will ask me why I deleted him, and when that time comes, this will be my speech:

    “I feel really vulnerable saying this to you, and scared. It is so important to keep myself happy and to look after myself. I think you’re a wonderful man, and over time I began to develop feelings for you. That scared me. I’ve loved seeing you, and I’ve felt so good around you, but I know what it is that I’m looking for, and this isn’t it for me.”

    Any thoughts on the above, my lovely Goddesses? =) }

    Monday, 24 October 2011 8:04am

    =>VW says:


    I believe when we give everyone permission to be and do what they please…without labeling them as “immature”, childish, for example, we also free ourselves to be who we are and do what we need to do to feel good…without feeling guilty…

    To avoid labeling, feeling messages is the venue to our heart…and out of someone else’s business…

    There have been men and women who deleted me for their own reason(s)…i felt sad about it…but i bless them in their journey…

    warm hugs,

    Monday, 24 October 2011 8:06am

    =>mali says:

    Thank you, and I agree. I felt smiley reading your post, as I try and do the same.

    Thank you for your calm, wise words =)

    Monday, 24 October 2011 8:09am

    =>Daria says:

    I think it’s totally different if a woman unfriends a man, than if a man unfriends a woman.


    can i get bigger caps on that?

    If a man does it, he’s Not doing his job of pursuing. it’s like he’s leaning back and Showing me (not like not calling, this is actually visible to me that he’s unfriended me). It’s like he’s purposely choosing to make me feel bad. NOT a MANLY MOVE

    on the other hand, me unfriending a man … is not a manly move either… and i’m not a man. I might do it anytime. A pursuing, step up man will contact me some other way and ask me about it, or not, but he will continue pursuing. Women step back all the time – it’s what Women do.

    Monday, 24 October 2011 8:09am

    => VW says:

    Wow, thank u for sharing this story…:) yes, indeed u haven’t post it for a while…

    u said : “I feel really vulnerable saying this to you, and scared. It is so important to keep myself happy and to look after myself. I think you’re a wonderful man, and over time I began to develop feelings for you. That scared me. I’ve loved seeing you, and I’ve felt so good around you, but I know what it is that I’m looking for, and this isn’t it for me.”

    Wow Mali! I love it…it feels soo authentic, soft, feminine, warm….just like u Awesome!!!!

    warm hugs,

    Monday, 24 October 2011 8:10am

    => Rori Raye says:

    ooo VW – I LOVE this – Thank you so much for this lovely comment about not-labeling….Rori

    Monday, 24 October 2011 8:48am

    => VW says:

    Aww Rori, well, I’ve had a great mentor…Rori Raye u mention about not labeling in many of your programs.. 🙂

    warm hugs,

    Monday, 24 October 2011 8:51am

    => Rori Raye says:

    mali – your unfriending this man was a sensationally terrific, thoughtful cutting off of this most public way of contact…and brava to you!!!
    You are, in a sense, ending this relationship, this friendship because you do not feel comfortable with this man at the level of “friendship” he offers.

    Many FB friends are simply that – FB friends. They are in our lives only through FB.
    Many are family…and they have no requirements except that they are family.

    Weeding out your FB list and choosing only those with whom you wish to maintain emotionally intimate friendships (this means you NEVER friend a man you are dating unless he’s your boyfriend…and if that ends, and he does not become your husband…you can choose to unfriend him. If FB is your “inner circle” (and not just “friends of friends”…) then you must be vigilant about being happy sharing with whoever’s on your list. If you’re not, consider deleting them from your list is the way to go. (I love your speech, by the way.)

    On the other hand, if a man friends you, for whatever reason and then unfriends you, that’s it. Over, done.
    If you’re longtime “friends” and you care about him, you can ask him about it…but to me, it’s done.
    I personally consider that a very violent act on his part, and very different from your careful reasoning… Men are not women, to me. If a man walks away – he’s walked away. He’s not to be chased, not to be missed.
    Very different from what I see a man doing should a woman walk away because the man hasn’t shown sufficient interest. That’s my view, at least.

    Monday, 24 October 2011 8:59am

    => mali says:

    VW: Thank you, beautiful soul. I felt so treasured and so beautiful reading that. I’m so feeling the love!

    Rori: I’m so honoured to get a response from you, and your support feels so GOOD to read. Feeling fabulous! Thankyou for your wise words and clarity, dear Siren of all Sirens!

    Monday, 24 October 2011 10:27am

  10.  #10Kim on September 20, 2014 at 6:34 am

    Unfriending on fb? That’s a total no-no. I have had a couple of dates throighout the years playing that unfriending/befriending game with me. I neverr dated them again. Too high-school and unstable emotionally for me.
    If they choose to unfriend me instead of talking, they can sling their hook.
    Not interested in games.

  11.  #11Kath on September 20, 2014 at 7:22 am

    He’s just collected most of his stuff from the house and now he’s gone saying he’ll come back to the house when I’ve moved out. I was all at peace this morning until that happened. Now I am questioning whether my gut instincts are right. What do you think Sirens:
    He never deleted his x’s number from his phone
    Claims he kept it on there so he could ignore it
    She emails him to say she’s been looking through his photos and he “looks good”
    He says she phoned him whilst we were away for the weekend to tell him she’s getting engaged.
    Four weeks later I am suspicious enough to check his phone and they have had phone conversations every week.
    I’m not wrong but I am being made to feel I am wrong. I also feel I will never be happy with any man, ever. I feel so bad.

  12.  #12Sophie on September 20, 2014 at 7:42 am

    Kath – when it came down to all this time of stuff with B (it wasn’t the same circumstances but I was in my head a lot questioning what was going on) ultimately it came down to…do I feel good with this man? Do I feel good with him in my life? Does him being in my life feel good? Does his energy nurture me? Do I feel cherished? Do I want a man with whom I feel anxious or one with whom I feel safe? and on and on the questions are endless. I had to keep coming back to how do I feel in his company/in relationship with him whether he is there or not…do I feel good enough. And the answer for me was always a huge resounding no. That process helped to make things slightly easier for me. At least I rarely questioned my decision , even when at times it felt painful xxx

  13.  #13Femininewoman on September 20, 2014 at 7:47 am

    I do believe when a man is kept in chase mode he remains attracted so really they would be no need to snoop.

  14.  #14Femininewoman on September 20, 2014 at 7:52 am

    Kath didn’t you want the relationship to end?

    Again it seems your energy and focus is on this man’s business. I fully understand what you are going through but how is your focus on him being wrong and doing what you don’t want to do serving you?

    At the end of the day after a certain age it is likely that men will have baggage. You will have to decide how much baggage you are willing to deal with when you get involved with a man. They had a life before you/me arrived.

  15.  #15Kath on September 20, 2014 at 8:11 am

    Sophie, FW yes- I did want the relationship to end. Bottom line is I did ask myself all the same questions. Was I happy in his company- generally, no. Did I get a warm fuzzy feeling when I was with him, most of the time no. I was bored of trying so hard and of hearing him moaning all the time. I did not feel loved or care for. He did things for me, but he wasn;t there with me. Gradually I found myself closing down to him and he must have picked up on that because his attitude towards me got more distant and colder and that’s when he started stepping up the contact with the x’s. I do feel it was the right thing to do. I guess because I really thought that because I was older this time and more aware that I wouldn’t make the same mistakes as before- but I’ve done exactly that.

  16.  #16Millie on September 20, 2014 at 8:30 am

    Indigo, yes…. I’m well aware I need to let this go. If I could, I would have already. I’m working on it….. And I’m also aware that my focus and energy needs to be on me instead of others. I’m working on that also….. 🙂

  17.  #17Sophie on September 20, 2014 at 8:41 am

    i’ve made the same mistakes lots and lots of times too Kath. This is where I’m determined to work on my self love. Firstly, to forgive myself because I’ve only ever been doing the best that I can do at any time. Secondly, so i’m so filled up with so much love a man is not the main focus in my life. And thirdly, so I attract more loving love. At the end of any relationship I guess we need to love on ourselves even harder than ever as the NV’s can get us 🙂 But one way to start is by praising ourselves for moving away from situations that don’t serve our desire to love more fully and not beat ourselves up for having made mistakes but see them as another part of our journey ???? ((((hugs))))

  18.  #18Indigo on September 20, 2014 at 8:42 am


    I’m completely with Feminine Woman in 13 & 14.

    When a man’s energy is coming towards you, when he is making you feel secure in a relationship, there is no need to snoop. For me, I would rather focus on creating this feeling, and this kind of relationship than letting my suspicions run rampant.

    Has he actually done anything wrong? Has he cheated on you? I ask because I am in touch with my ex-husband – almost every day. I have a certain comfort with talking to him and so I tell him what’s going on in my life and ask his advice on things. He is married with a baby and he loves his wife very much – she has absolutely zero reason to worry about me. There is no threat whatsoever. But he doesn’t tell her he talks to me because she would flip out over something which is absolutely innocent. There are no feelings between him and me, we are completely over. We chat over IM regularly just to have someone to talk to, and it has often occurred to me that yes everyone has baggage… and sometimes we punish ourselves needlessly with feeling “hurt” by something which is not actually in itself hurtful.

  19.  #19Kath on September 20, 2014 at 8:51 am

    I hear you Indigo and no, I don’t think he did do anything with her but for me its more about the lack of boundaries he had. Also it was how he behaved with me. He complained that he always had to initiate things for us to do otherwise nothing would happen. I thought that was so unfair because I did initiate things just not as frequently as he seemed to want. He is an action man, can’t sit still for two seconds and wanted to go to bike rallies regularly which meant finishing work early on a Friday and coming back home late sunday night. I could only do that if I planned it, something he wasn’t happy to do as he is an instant kind of person. He then blamed me for not doing what he wanted when I hadn’t stopped him from going on his own!- I just started feeling that he was managing my time, not allowing me the time I wanted to do things I wanted to do. Resentment set in on both sides I think and I really noticed it in the way he behaved towards me which made me feel awful and unloved.

  20.  #20Andrea on September 20, 2014 at 9:40 am

    Millie… : ) Well, I can share a story. Years ago I was gaga over a man. We were friends and that’s as far as it would go. Even though I tried EVERYTHING to get him to notice me and think of me in a romantic way. I felt I had some control over HIS heart, thoughts, and actions. I felt, if I just had the right formula I could manipulate him into loving me.
    He did not want a relationship with me, but he valued my friendship. Ugh!
    Soon I started to notice that he was spending lots of time with the woman who was my daughters kindergarten teacher. This woman always wore black. She was thin and nimble and never smiled. She knitted at teacher’s meetings in order to avoid real communication with parents. She yelled at the kids. My daughter hated her. The principle got many complaints about this woman’s non-child friendly attitude, but he said that he kept her on because she was so organized, on time, strict… she maintained the values of that particular school, while being stand offish and grey around actual people.
    This man friend of mine fell in love with her… with in months. After less than a year they were married. UNBELIEVABLE!!!! To me and to the many others who wondered… what in the world did he see in her??

    Then I met his mother. The above paragraph?? Me, describing the woman this man fell in love with?? Almost exactly could describe this mans mother. She was frowning, sad, spoke ill of the world and her plight in life… etc…

    It was a huge eye opener to me. This man could never have fallen in love with me. He was stuck in the energy of his mom. I was way too cheerful and happy. No wonder he valued me as a friend. I was sunshine in his life for sure. But his romantic energies were focused on what he’d known since birth.

    In the same way, I have a good friend, a male… who keeps trying so hard to turn our friendship into a relationship. He is kind, generous, thoughtful, checks in on me… etc.. But, I am just not feeling it. For one.. and it’s a big one for me… I’ve always only ever been sexually attracted, or felt that romantic chemistry vibe with older men. I can go on and on about how older men, with frosting grey hair just turn me on. This friend of mine is my age. (it’s not the only thing about him that doesn’t do it for me, but it’s one thing that, no matter how hard he tried, no matter what he does… get thinner, get richer, practice the mysterious ways of men getting women, meditate, law of attraction… etc… there’s just nothing he can do to change his age)

    I wonder if, with you Millie, as with me, it’s more frustrating to admit that this is something that we just absolutely can not control. That romance, love, and male female attraction and chemistry is so random. That the only thing we have control over is our own bleeding heart, our own gaping wounds on this battle field of love…. and sometimes it’s okay to just mend ourselves with salve and good words and other people… and sometimes we need to pour on the anticeptic and clean it all out and examine it all and feel the sting as we let the dang thing air dry for all to see.

    Anyway…. Oh Millie…. I love your posts and I love your open-ness and I love that I feel such a response to you!!!

  21.  #21Dominique on September 20, 2014 at 10:52 am

    I would love to connect with all of you on Facebook. I have over six years worth of beautiful pictures with inspirational quotes I’ve written. You can find me at Sex and Heart and/or Dominique Christine.
    I also want to say that there really aren’t any mistakes. Only opportunities for learning and growing. Doesn’t this feel so much better? xxoo

  22.  #22Kath on September 20, 2014 at 11:12 am

    Yes Dominique- I always first think of the word mistakes when I should have seen my experience as an opportunity to grow. I tried to ignore warning signs I had early on in my relationship only to have them constantly recur and me to challenge him for making them recur. He was being him, it was me who expected, even wanted different!- I fell in love with part of him, not all of him and I should have not allowed it to come this far.

  23.  #23Dominique on September 20, 2014 at 12:08 pm

    Kath – may I suggest eliminating the word “should” from your repertoire. Maybe there was more to explore here, more to blossom you even bigger. I see you leaping and bounding here, revelations opening up all over the place. And I think this and you are wonderful. Can you applaud you too.
    Love to you. xxoo

  24.  #24Femininewoman on September 20, 2014 at 12:45 pm

    Andrea I am reading a book about personalities. That description of the man’s mom and wife reminded me of the melancholy personality. It’s amazing the things that attract us as humans and influence our choices. Which is the reason why I so believe in being my true self. If someone finds that attractive then that is a great starting point that doesn’t require any work on my part.

  25.  #25Millie on September 20, 2014 at 1:00 pm

    Andrea!! Thank you so much for your post! That felt like an eye opener to me! I am creating so much in my head, in my perception, that what I see may not be the reality. Wow how funny that woman turned out to be just like his mother!!!! None if that please! I wouldn’t say that I want to manipulate any man into loving me, I just want to understand attraction and how to keep it alive by observing what other woman do that is successful. Your words always inspire me and feel so passionate! Thank you!

  26.  #26Kath on September 20, 2014 at 1:04 pm

    Thank you Dominique, I truly feel like wrapping your words around me. I can feel my heart aching and I know I made mistakes with him and one day in the future I need to apologise to him for the pain I caused him when I realised that we weren’t going to get married and grow old together. It was a very sad realisation but I am growing in me and am becoming the person I was destined to be. Unfortunately, he would have held me back, such a shame.

  27.  #27Dominique on September 20, 2014 at 1:10 pm

    Millie – BEing uniquely YOU is what will “work” in attracting the perfect for you man, as you continue to heal and grow and bloom, as you BEcome who you really are at core. It’s about being authentic and real all the while keeping your life full – activities which make you feel good and people who make you smile. xxoo

  28.  #28Azure Blu on September 20, 2014 at 1:30 pm

    Dominique #27
    Ahhhh…. such a GREAT reminder!!!

    “continue to heal and grow and bloom, as you BEcome who you really are at core. It’s about being authentic and real all the while keeping your life full – activities which make you feel good and people who make you smile.”
    Thank YOU!!!

  29.  #29Kim on September 20, 2014 at 1:42 pm

    I was feeling so grumpy today that I surprised myself at how grumpy I felt.
    Some of it defo hormonal. I cried several times (eeek). Some of it, because MoM and I were supposed to have plans today…but it never happened, partly due to his lameness and my impulsiveness (nice mix) and partly due to a misunderstanding. So we did nothing…he moaned about the weather being crap and being tired from a hard work, so I rubbed it in his face that had he told me that previously, I’d have made plans with other people or myself….he was not amused because he still wanted to do something but I
    wasn’t up for sitting indoors all day.
    Well, he is taking me out to dinner….and I felt very surprised…he realised my frustration with not making plans, solid plans, for today and ‘playing it by ear’, which means traditionally ‘doing nothing’… he called me just now and tried to make plans for 9am tomorrow morning….went into total overkill because ‘I know you would rather have your weekend planned out’….lol.
    I am already busy tomorrow.
    And he is going to a concert later on anyway.
    So whatever.
    Still, I did feel impressed that he got the message. I will try to shift my grumpiness then…lol.

  30.  #30Millie on September 20, 2014 at 5:00 pm

    Dominique- thank you! I think I overcomplicate things and your words are refreshingly simple, clear, and without blame on anything I’m doing. Sometimes when I read Christian Carter’s emails, I feel like I’m wrong, like I make all the wrong moves, and that sends me down, not up.

    Kim–I’m sorry you’re feeling grumpy…sometimes it is nice to just be alone when you’re feeling that way, curl up with a good book or movie and let that grumpiness work it’s way out.

    Do you ladies want to know what makes me amazingly happy?! The fact that I have so many people in my life that have my best interest at heart, that want me to succeed, and will do what they can to encourage and enable that success. I was thinking about that recently, that it is an amazing gift to be surrounded by people that love and support me. Lately, horses are consuming me. I feel lit up and peaceful around them, I can stay at the barn for hours without realizing the time. I am thirsty to become a great rider and eventually own my own horse and cultivate a special relationship with it, hopefully buy property and grow my own food… The great gift…is that my cousin, who is a trainer, has offered to let me ride at her barn, is giving me lessons without charge, (even though I offered), and is letting me ride horses that are worth as much as a car! What a gift to be given!! I didn’t really know her until recently, and it feels amazing to have someone want to see me happy and give to me in that way and want me to be successful without any selfish reason. The same with a lot of my friends and family, they will give to see me happy and successful. It’s really the best feeling and most precious gift.

  31.  #31Femininewoman on September 20, 2014 at 6:06 pm

    Millie that really is something to practice the feeling of gratitude with daily.

  32.  #32prplpsn28 on September 20, 2014 at 7:35 pm

    When H was accidentally deleted as my friend on fb was I correct to just leave it alone? Hmm

  33.  #33Indigo on September 20, 2014 at 11:33 pm


    How absolutely wonderful!! Drink in that amazing gift and let it fill you up!

  34.  #34Indigo on September 20, 2014 at 11:37 pm


    In my humble opinion, something like Facebook will not make or break your relationship with H.

    If you’re feeling uncertain, why not sit with it for a while longer. You can always offer a brief explanation if the opportunity comes up later down the line.

  35.  #35Indigo on September 20, 2014 at 11:41 pm

    D and I are not on each other’s Facebook at the moment, and I consider that a blessing for the time being.

    I think that may well change in the future, but for the moment I choose to believe it is for the best as I nourish and grow what is inside me and what is between us that is still quite fragile and vulnerable in some ways. Sometimes you can only deal with so much at a time.

    Today is such a beautiful, crisp, sunny yet chilly day here, and I am looking forward to spending time with my horse.

  36.  #36Waterfall on September 21, 2014 at 1:56 am

    @ Sophie

    From the last blog post:

    Brill news getting your home back!! I know that feeling oh too well !

    Well done… And I hope you are pampering yourself and relaxing on your newly re-feminised environment!!

  37.  #37Kath on September 21, 2014 at 4:36 am

    #28 Azure Blu, I am so with you!- I have written those words down and will read them every day to remind myself of the journey I’m on. For too long I have tried to mould myself to other people and not listen to myself. With R I did start listening to myself and found that what he was offering wasn’t in tune with what I want or not. Although I dearly love a part of him, its not enough to let the relationship grow any further. I read through my diary this morning from the past year and it was awful reading. To be honest our wonderful start soon faded and things have not been good for 18mths-we’ve really been limping along getting more resentful of each other. The writing was most definitely on the wall a long time ago and some of things I wrote a profound. I wrote in February last year after we’d fallen out because he didn’t understand what I was saying that his quick anger was a concern and that it made feel so disconnected from him that I retreat into myself. Wow!!!!

  38.  #38Azure Blu on September 21, 2014 at 9:24 am

    Kim #29
    I can feel your frustration in this post….
    I know the feeling of having plans shifted…
    If it doesn’t happen too often (I shift plans too)

    Sound like MoM is trying and leaning forward!!!

    Also the mention of marriage from a few posts ago…
    I hope you are enjoying Your Sunday!!!

  39.  #39Azure Blu on September 21, 2014 at 10:25 am

    Darling Sirens,
    Update on Spirit and Me…
    We had a lovely time at Azure Tavern (that’s what he calls my house when we watch games together here) last Tues. I fixed pasta and he brought wine and snacks!!
    We watched the Tigers play and just relaxed and enjoyed each others company…
    Very nice…

    He texts me every day… on Wed. he said he was missing me… with alll his leaning forward…
    I decided to ask on Thur. if he wanted to go see a movie on Friday (this is VERY hard for me as I am rather shy especially when I start liking someone more)… he said yes…
    My friends were getting together for a birthday celebration, at a restaurant in town, Fri. evening… I wanted to at least stop in and toast her birthday.. soooo I leaned forward again on Friday around 2:30 and asked which movie… he text 2 choices… he was playing golf till 8:00pm
    I called and said I was leaving to meet my friends and he called back and said he’d meet me there…

    I felt anxious doing all that leaning forward…

    He met me there, bought me dinner and drinks. He just fits in soooo welll no matter what friends we are with!!! He is VERY confident… one of the most masculine men i have been with, maybe EVER!!!
    I LOVE this about him…
    we relaxed and enjoyed each others company… he sang a song to me (quietly while we were sitting at the table)… he acts like I am the only one in the whole restaurant!!! at the end of the night we shared how much we REALLy like each other!!
    He texts me yesterday and sent pics of the pot roast he made and about the college football…
    I shared with him:
    I feel sooo spoiled when I am with you…
    You spoil me with your songs. You spoil me with your compliments. You spoil me with your ideas. You spoil me with your enthusiasm. You spoil me with your lips. You spoil me with your hands. You spoil me with your heart.
    His text: I don’t know what to say… That doesn’t happen very often…


    I feel sooo excited about my relationship with him…
    Especially because I have been able to realize it is ME who fills me up….
    So most of my childlike clingy, hunger is replaced
    with a woman’s love and appreciation…
    This feels soooo much LESS anxious and sustainable!!!
    Ahhhh… I feel VERY happy today.

  40.  #40prplpsn28 on September 21, 2014 at 11:17 am

    Emotionally I feel like crap 🙁

  41.  #41Kim on September 21, 2014 at 12:37 pm

    I love the last post from you Azure….sounds so good!
    And thank you for the other one.
    I am having a nice Sunday all by myself!
    After the little tiff yesterday, he took me out to a very nice and pricey place for dinner…and we had a wonderful time. There were a lot of young professionals in there, so many beautiful well-dressed women, hair looked like they all had it blowdired professionally…and then clothes from 10 seasons ago haha…with hair that has not been ‘coiffed’ for about 6 months….and I said ‘oh this is so interesting, looking at all thses beautiful and well dressed people’…and he said ‘eh, it’s just a zoo’ and had only eyes for me.
    That felt nice.
    All in all the weekend turned out ok although my boating with MrP today was cancelled again. My fault this time.
    MoM is going to a concert today with some friends, he tried to get a ticket for me but I said ‘no thank you’.
    It’s too rocky and crowdy for me and I like my quiet time.
    So far so good!

  42.  #42Azure Blu on September 21, 2014 at 1:50 pm

    Kim…. NICE… MoM… eyes ONLY for YOU!!!
    Yes… being spoiled is good!!

    I feel warm and sunshiny knowing you are enjoying
    YOU time today…

  43.  #43Azure Blu on September 21, 2014 at 1:52 pm

    You are being vERY brave and Strong!!

  44.  #44Linda on September 21, 2014 at 2:05 pm

    Azure… I feel delighted for you!

    Kim…. It seems that MoM is stepping up.

    Sophie… The questions you posed to Kath earlier were so on target. Paying attention to how we feel is imperative to our well being.

    Concerning the thread and Facebook. Seems like everybody has a Facebook page. Even big corporations do. The want you to “Like” them on Facebook.

    I am not a fan of Facebook. I had page about 5 years ago for about 6 months. I chose to close it down. I found it annoying. It felt intrusive and narcissistic and unsafe, um … wormhole-ish to me. I am probably a minority but I highly highly value my privacy and anonymity. I prefer personal interactions/invitations and face to face relationships, phone calls, hand written letters, sending, receiving cards in the mailbox.

    I had to laugh when I looked up the word narcissism in the dictionary it read…

    Examples of NARCISSISM

    <in his narcissism, he just assumed that everyone else wanted to hear the tiny details of his day. Really?? Tweets and Twitter and Facebook…do people really care what we ate for dinner last night?

    Facebook… I'll pass.

  45.  #45Linda on September 21, 2014 at 2:55 pm

    On a different note… I heard this song last week for the first time. I was at my desk at work and tears just welled up. I could not stop them and I had to go to the bathroom to gain my composure. The words instantly pierced through my quiet heart.

    This song describes perfectly the kind of relationship I want to be in. My spirit will know and I will unpack without hesitation and be ” all in ”

    “Unpack Your Heart”

    Meet me where the sunlight ends
    Meet me where the truth never bends
    Bring all that you’re scared to defend

    And lay it down when you walk through my door
    Throw all of it out on the floor
    Your sorrow, your beauty, your war
    I want it all, I want it all

    Bring your secrets, bring your scars
    Bring your glory, all you are
    Bring your daylight, bring your dark
    Share your silence
    And unpack your heart

    Show me something the rest never see
    Give me all that you hope to receive
    Your deepest regret dies with me

    The days when you stumble and fall
    The days when you grind to a crawl
    The treasure that hides behind your walls
    I want it all, yeah I want it all

    Bring your secrets, bring your scars
    Bring your glory, all you are
    Bring your daylight, bring your dark
    Share your silence
    And unpack your heart
    Unpack your heart

    Oh, I’m on your side
    So shed your shadow
    And watch it rise

    Oh, I’m on your side
    So shed your shadow
    And watch it rise
    Into your darkness
    I’ll shine a light

    Bring your secrets, bring your scars
    Bring your glory, all you are
    Bring your daylight, bring your dark
    Share your silence

    Bring your honor, bring your shame
    All your madness, I will tame
    Won’t you lay down, down your guard
    Share your silence
    And unpack your heart

    This is what I invite in my life…

  46.  #46Azure Blu on September 21, 2014 at 3:21 pm

    Phillip Phillips…. Mmmmm… thank you for sharing this song… I like it…

  47.  #47Kim on September 21, 2014 at 5:50 pm

    Azure and Linda…thank you! 🙂
    I had to insist on boundaries today with a potential employer and that NEVER feels good to me, especially when I am so desperate for work.
    He keeps asking for writing samples and I have given him plenty from things I have done…but he wants me to tailor my samoles to his business and style.
    I did this once. I once spent hours writing blog posts for a psychologist….researching and writing. She never paid me. Worse, she used them with her name underneath.
    From this I learnt that I am not going to waste my time.
    A check will get me writing…at least a third of an agreed amount.
    If I am going to be wasting time, then I can waste the time on my own blog and own business.
    He either understands or not.
    I am not taking crumbs anymore and I am not so desperate to agree to anything and end up with nothig and no respect.
    He can take it or leave it!

  48.  #48Liquid Light on September 21, 2014 at 5:57 pm

    Kyla, are you there? I still haven’t met that guy from online who keeps messaging me. Its getting ridiculous because this has been going on so long. You had posted a suggestion about getting it to move from digital to meeting in person…but I can’t find it. Can you post that again or point me to it? Thanks!

  49.  #49Beloved on September 21, 2014 at 8:05 pm

    I’m feeling appreciation for myself tonight.
    Even though sometimes I get it wrong, and lash out, it feels that more and more often I get it ‘right’.
    Two small victories this week.
    First, with a friend who I have often felt triggered by in the past. I struggled with feeling annoyed that he wasn’t more “take charge” with planning to hang out with me. Struggled with whether I should tell him I didn’t want and would never use the gift he told me he wanted to give me.

    Ultimately, I did what I wanted to do, I unraveled the stories and felt the feelings as they arose, and he and I synced up perfectly.
    I decided, what would feel best for the relationship, would be to accept the gift graciously. Which turned out to be perfect, because it was better than what I thought it was, and also paved the way for a nicer version of it once the next one is ready. PLUS, I got to hang out and play frisbee with his friend and a puppy. So, it was a win. I felt so at ease, relaxed and natural. Perfect. They were drinking and smoking, they teased me very good naturedly in a way that felt funny, about being a spoiled b!tch because I wouldn’t drink their cheap rum or smoke their dirt weed. I was got that right! Nothing but the best for me!
    So. Good. It felt so easy and accepting all the way around.

    Another small victory, talking to a friend tonight who I love like the dickens. Her ex refused to give her or her daughter his new phone number because he didn’t want her harassing him (which, she totally would – she has a personality disorder). She and her daughter (who is 11 going on 35) got on FB and basically trashed him to bits while I was on the phone.
    For some reason, I felt neutral…present…curious…
    She said, “You probably don’t want to talk to me anymore, do you?”
    From that easy place inside of me, from I don’t know where, I said softly, “Girl, I’m so sorry he hurt your heart. I imagine it must feel so rough, seeing someone you love and thought you’d raise your child with, move on and be raising someone else’s children. I love you, I’m sorry, girl.”
    She broke down…all of the bravado and cursing and mean trash talking dissolved in a heartbeat. She got wayyy softer, cried a bit, got into her feelings, and took some time for herself off of the phone.

    It felt…perfect…to be in loving presence for her in that moment.

    Yum yum yum.
    So much goodness. <3

  50.  #50Beloved on September 21, 2014 at 8:21 pm

    I took a quick glance at my journal from a year ago…I feel like jumping up and down! I feel so much love for myself!
    Just a year ago, I never ever would have, could have imagined I’d be where I am right now. Wow.
    I really did it. I made the leap!
    Well, I feel like I’m kind of stumbling and might still crash…and still…that I even tried…even if for some reason I totally flop at this, I will always feel so so so good about myself for even trying.

    It’s so perfect, so right.
    And now I’m noticing I need to set some limits for myself with studying. I spent wayyy more time trying to catch up with the assignments in the class I had already decided to drop, because I used a different study approach, at the expense of studying for the other classes.

    Duly noted.

    G’night Sirens, sweet dreams!

  51.  #51Indigo on September 21, 2014 at 10:26 pm


    Your post #47 was so powerful and obviously jumped right out at me, because that is where I am this morning.

    I am thinking of resigning this morning. That other job that I spoke about should come through in the next couple of weeks or months, but I don’t know exactly when. I do have a little bit of private work I am doing for a friend and getting paid for, yet I’m a little nervous of resigning without having something to go to.

    Your comment about not being so desperate that you are willing to settle for crumbs that don’t go anywhere struck a chord. I’m not quite getting crumbs at my current job – I get an ok salary – but the truth is my boss makes me, and all of the staff, feel like servants and it is wreaking havoc with my sensitive nature. He phones constantly when he is not in the office, and screams for us to come to his office constantly when he is. And it is never to ask our opinion or to have an open dialogue or motivate and encourage, it is either to issue orders which never require a response, or to interrupt you needlessly, or to belittle you if he’s in a mood. He’s not a bad person, but he is SUCH a control freak. Feeling controlled and micromanaged to the extent that I do feels SO bad to me.

    After my last job I just swore to myself that I would not put myself through the torture of a job where I was unhappy again. I think I will first ask him to give me the option of reduced hours (being at the office with him for less of the day would at least be more manageable while I look for something else), and if he doesn’t, I will resign.

    Hugs to all the sirens today! x

  52.  #52Indigo on September 21, 2014 at 10:32 pm

    One thing that is clear is that I will never go anywhere or grow in this job, I will just be able to tread water (again, because my boss is a control freak, everything depends on what mood he is in and what he wants, and something which is fine now may not be fine in an hour’s time) and he runs more or less a one man show in the organization, so any benefits or promotions are entirely at his discretion.

    I am long past that. Within myself, I feel I have come too far for these immature ego games. I am very bright and capable and I just no longer want to dim my light.

  53.  #53Indigo on September 21, 2014 at 11:41 pm


    I really, really love your posts here. This:

    “it feels that more and more often I get it ‘right’.”

    This is also how I feel. It is a slow, gentle process for me, but I can look back and see how far I’ve come. I very rarely lash out any more. And when I even think about anxiety – I had a spell last night when I couldn’t get hold of D – I see how much less intense it is.

    I managed to talk to myself, watch a favourite show, breathe, and finally lovingly put myself down for a nap I very much needed – putting my hand on my heart and consciously relaxing the area around my heart which felt all tight. I know it will get easier and easier.

  54.  #54Millie on September 21, 2014 at 11:50 pm

    Beloved– great post <3

  55.  #55Daria on September 22, 2014 at 3:02 am

    hello all and feeling tired of electronizing… and also glad i found a set up that i felt good to use for all this time (about 3 hiours or more wow!) 🙂

    feeling lovely right now


    loved seeing my words above… so admire myself!!!

    and feeling scared to be labeled and narcissisit and also feeling ‘secretly’ intimately revelling in that, and knowing that i

    claim how much i LOVE myself and (no one can take it away from me)

    and now reminded of childhood stuff and protecting my inner feelings in myself

    all alone in my room i can laugh and feel good about me, even when pretending to feel bad around others to avoid more agression

    now feeling moved




  56.  #56Daria on September 22, 2014 at 3:03 am

    thank you Zara for posting my words…

    thank you all for being here….


    i feel like on clouds…

    transforming clouds from white to black and feeling

    numb and powerful and refreshed by the strong breeeze

  57.  #57Kim on September 22, 2014 at 6:00 am

    51 and 52, Indigo, your posts speak out to me too….yay for you. Yes, you are way too bright to do what you are doing right now.
    I am also getting there…honestly. I have two degrees, I write formal reports as well as ‘fun’ stuff that gets published.
    I am co admin of a fb site that reaches over 40k people..I have my own website, blog and fb page, store and what else.
    This guy was basically saying that he is not sure I can post his style on fb…..lmao. What does he do? Post a photo he steals from an inspirational quote website thing.
    I can make these myself with my own photos in a photo manipulation software.
    I am sorry, I felt like saying: you are asking me to do a child’s job and my writing samples which have been published, my website and my fb site are not good enough for you?
    Too bad.
    Having said that, I still want the job if I can…but I am not spending hours writing blog posts and then he says ‘no’. I already did it once and then found them used and never got paid.
    To put it into perspective, for what I was planning to do for this guy, I charged a pretty low amount.
    Either you like me or you don’t but I am not begging or selling my services for less than they are worth. Even in my situation.
    So thanks for posting this again, Indigo, it made me feel more determined!

  58.  #58Azure Blu on September 22, 2014 at 6:28 am

    Yes, i too struggle with potential clients asking for free stuff before they make their decision…
    I have gotten better at giving some information that is helpful… only a 30 min. free consultation
    and then showing them my packaged deals or custom charges. I’ve gotten sooo much smarter about NOT giving away information that should be payed for!!!

  59.  #59Azure Blu on September 22, 2014 at 6:58 am

    Indigo #51
    To me it sounds like a good idea to see if your boss will accept your request for less hours…
    is there any option for at home working?

  60.  #60Azure Blu on September 22, 2014 at 7:02 am

    Daria #55
    I feel curious… what is electronizing?

  61.  #61Azure Blu on September 22, 2014 at 7:09 am

    Beloved #49
    Lovely Siren… How amazing are YOU!!!

    It felt sooo heart warming to read how you rocked the interactions with 2 friends using the Siren way!!!

    I love this…. I feel VERY inspired…
    “From that easy place inside of me, from I don’t know where, I said softly, “Girl, I’m so sorry he hurt your heart. I imagine it must feel so rough, seeing someone you love and thought you’d raise your child with, move on and be raising someone else’s children. I love you, I’m sorry, girl.”
    She broke down…all of the bravado and cursing and mean trash talking dissolved in a heartbeat. She got wayyy softer, cried a bit, got into her feelings, and took some time for herself off of the phone.

    It felt…perfect…to be in loving presence for her in that moment.

    Yum yum yum.
    So much goodness.”

    A LOVING, open heart showing profound compassion!! HUGGGSSS

  62.  #62Kim on September 22, 2014 at 7:12 am

    58 exactly Azure Blu!
    I already spent a half day writing out a social medial plan for him, attaching samples of work I did….I already wasted (with emails etc) about 8 hours on this.
    If he doesn’t like it, or thinks I am too dumb for his kiddy style, or wants something for free, well, I can use my time elsewhere…lol

  63.  #63Indigo on September 22, 2014 at 7:48 am

    Azure Blu & Kim,

    Thank you for your replies 🙂

    I wanted to share my great news with all you lovely sirens:

    I went into a meeting with my boss this morning, all prepared to hand in my resignation. I had typed out the letter, signed it and everything. I don’t like the way I have been feeling at all, and I feel I’ve come too far in my life to do this to myself.

    Anyway, I started off the conversation by saying that I have a certain way of working, and that I see that the way things work at this office is not the same, and that I’m not sure if there is a fit here, was there anything we could do to fix this, could he help?

    He also responded that he noticed I was unhappy, and that he was prepared to change the way he worked with me in order to accommodate how I need to work. He was prepared to meet my needs because staff retention was important to him (he had a condition to do with how I report back on my work which I was happy to comply with). So I told him about being introverted, and needing to be uninterrupted so that I could get on with my work, and with things being quiet. He agreed to give me uninterrupted time every day and to speak to the other staff about not interrupting me unnecessarily, and he also agreed to stop shouting for me from his office. He said he would try to be more sensitive.

    Finally, I decided to ask for reduced hours, if I could finish at 2 pm instead of 4 pm. He said yes! This will be effective as of next month. It will mean a reduced salary, but for me it is worth it. This will make the WORLD of difference to how I feel.

    I feel so glad I stood up for me, that I voted for me and looked out for my own best interests. Go me! 🙂

  64.  #64Indigo on September 22, 2014 at 7:51 am

    Go Kim!! 🙂

  65.  #65Kim on September 22, 2014 at 7:54 am

    Indigo, I am so happy for you!
    And being somewhat quiet and introvert myself, I know how hard it is to stand one’s ground.

  66.  #66Indigo on September 22, 2014 at 7:54 am

    Azure Blu,

    Working from home would be ideal, but I do not mind working in an office… up to a point.

    There reaches a certain “saturation” point in the day when I have just had enough, and beyond that I start to get drained. 2 pm in the afternoon is ideal.

    There is another woman in the office who works till 2 and I always felt so jealous when she left the office. There was a part of me that didn’t feel I was “worthy” of being able to do it, because, well… I’ve never done it and I’ve never asked and I thought what right do I have? It feels so good to confront that part of myself and stick up for myself 🙂

  67.  #67Indigo on September 22, 2014 at 7:57 am

    Thank you Kim! I always put off these conversations for that reason, but it always feels so good when I do have them 🙂

  68.  #68Azure Blu on September 22, 2014 at 8:08 am

    Wow!!! Indigo…
    Yay!!! YOU!!!
    I feel sooo happy to hear about the positive way your boss reacted to your request!!!

    I sooo love the way you asked for what you needed…
    and then ended it with a Rori tool…
    “was there anything we could do to fix this, could he help?”
    Sooo nice!!! it always feels sooooo amazing to see how the RR way changes our lives for the better!!!
    Mmmmmm…. lovely, lovely!!

  69.  #69Azure Blu on September 22, 2014 at 8:12 am

    Yes, the proposals ALWAYS take sooo much time…
    Fortunately some of mine I can simply change the names and some of the info and reuse them..

  70.  #70Femininewoman on September 22, 2014 at 8:19 am

    Indigo I felt certain if you asked he would have been accommodating. People with that type of personality are usually focussed on the bottom line so generally insensitive to people’s feelings and I do believe they are aware of this in themselves.

  71.  #71ayesha on September 22, 2014 at 9:21 am

    Hi Rori,

    I have a question about overfunctioning and feminine energy. So I’m in touch with this guy online. We’re pen pals 😀 we have a lot of the same interests and values, we’re both artists. So he wrote to me about how his work is not going well and his days are unstructured. I don’t want to mother him or overfunction but i did share some tips like ‘well this is what works for me when im in that kind of place’. And also some suggestions about what he could do next. Is that overfunctioning?? We talk a lot about this stuff, it’s a very friends/ colleagues vibe we have going on. What do you think? It makes me feel ok as long as I’m 100% focused on me in the rest of the time that we’re not corresponding. And sometimes that’s easier than other times.

    I went through a phase where i was too focused on him. But now I’m focusing on me everyday. Living my life for me! Being open to love, smiling, looking hot 😉

    Would really love your feeedback!!! Thank you so much for turning my life around.


  72.  #72Indigo on September 22, 2014 at 10:01 am

    Azure Blu,

    Yes, Rori and Dominique’s tools have been so helpful to the way I communicate… just using those tools I can have non-blaming conversations about things that are bothering me.

    I LOVE those questions: what can we do to fix this? can you help? I just love it. It makes a collaborator out of the other person, rather than an opponent.

    Thank you 🙂 xx

  73.  #73Indigo on September 22, 2014 at 10:03 am

    Thank you Feminine Woman, funnily enough he actually seemed very aware of his own shortcomings as a boss, almost apologetic. He almost seemed to welcome the opportunity to change. It was interesting. And then obviously as you say, he is focused on the bottom line so for him it was a problem to be solved, and we solved it and both felt better.


  74.  #74IamHis on September 22, 2014 at 12:16 pm

    I feel embarrassed (I know I feel embarrassed a lot and feel curious as to why that is) but some feedback would feel good.

    I always feel terrified when an acquaintance or friend that I see on a regular basis shows interest in me.

    Like with Cute Shy Guy. I see him all the time and ever since he paid so much attention to me, I feel tense and scared. It’s like he looks at me with expectation or anticipation? Like he wants my attention? & I always feel tight in my stomach and shoulders when guys look at me like that. My head is full of stories and it feels difficult to feel. My head tells me “he wants this or that. ” I assume this. I always want space after sharing so many of my thoughts and feelings with a guy. It feels so scary. I feel exposed. I have this belief that I don’t know how to be what a man wants or how to play my role as a woman? Why would I have to play a role? Why can’t I just be authentic? I feel like I want to run away from him, but I’m struggling with what emotion I’m feeling. I always go through this when someone I know reasonably well shows interest. He’s a really good guy. I’m an amazing woman, but I feel unprepared and ill-equipped to respond anymore. I just want to run. During this fearful period, my vibe changes and he finds someone else and marries her. I know this is just a story I’m telling myself, but it is what always seems to happen. & he seems to still want me or miss me a lot of the time while he’s with or not with this other girl, but I can’t stand her existence, her existence feels infuriating, because if I mess up or get scared, he has her and he will pick her because I want someone who only wants me but that person doesn’t seem to exist. I know this is where Cding is supposed to come in, but it feels like guys drop out when they see me with someone else. I drop out when I see guys with other girls, but as a girl, aren’t I supposed to do that? I feel confused and scared. & I don’t even know of another girl with this guy and I know my desire to run away isn’t even rational, but it’s always there and it’s always so early on in the getting to know you stage that I always end up confused and alone and starting all over again. I feel sad and tired of talking about this pattern. I feel lonely, I feel like I’m the only one who has this problem!

  75.  #75IamHis on September 22, 2014 at 12:25 pm

    A relationship with me would feel so exhausting. I have such strange and strong emotional reactions to things. Who is patient or strong enough for that? I assume he’s going to leave me. I assume it so strongly that I leave him before he can leave me. The one time I actually wanted someone enough not to leave, he left and then came back and then married the other “lesser” girl. I feel exhausted.

  76.  #76IamHis on September 22, 2014 at 12:29 pm

    Being fly paper feels exhausting. They always come back, & when they do, I want to kill them. Doesn’t matter if there are other guys paying attention to me. They all drop out and come back and I just want to tell them all to go to heck.

  77.  #77Dominique on September 22, 2014 at 12:43 pm

    IamHis – There are a lot of stories here you’re telling yourself, and yet I totally understand. I felt this way too in many ways and possibly still would if K hadn’t come back into my life. And even with him, it was a lengthy process, a many years one for me until I felt safe and comfortable until I didn’t feel all twisted up inside with fear and insecurity and all the rest. And it really had little if anything to do with him. It was all me and my stuff.

    And though I would feel thrown and shaken sometimes, I decided to keep delving deeply into myself to uncover, discover who me was in there. I decided to heal in his presence, and if he came along for the ride, wonderful, and if he didn’t….well I tried not to go there.

    I so understand how difficult it can feel to change the story you’ve been telling yourself, yet you can. Patience with yourself beautiful goddess, kindness, gentleness.

    There are no mistakes, not even steps backwards, only ones sideways. And yes you may stumble sometimes, and you may even fall flat on your butt. So what. We all do. So you pick yourself up, dust yourself off, clean up your booboos if necessary, and you carry on – filling your life up FOR YOU, in ways which feel good to YOU.

    Love to you.


  78.  #78IamHis on September 22, 2014 at 12:50 pm

    Thanks Dominique, I feel so thankful for you! I feel teary…

  79.  #79Azure Blu on September 22, 2014 at 1:54 pm

    Dominique #76
    Ahhhh… sooo lovely, warm and kind!!!
    Thank you

  80.  #80Christy on September 22, 2014 at 4:13 pm

    Hi Rori, I have read your ebook and I’m a little dismayed at the results I’ve been getting. I’ve stopped calling/texting and I haven’t seen my boyfriend in 3 weeks! He’s very loving when we’re together, but obviously he’s never going to miss me. Can you please right a blog about emotionally unavailable men? Does being a siren even work on them? It’s like the other lady on here with her ex, the mechanic. I heard that if you’re with an emotionally available man, you’re doomed no matter what because he’ll never respect a woman who was with him while he was giving her breadcrumbs.

  81.  #81Rori Raye on September 22, 2014 at 7:52 pm

    Christy – I totally hear you, and am so sorry for your disappointment – and this is no boyfriend. If a man doesn’t need to be with you – please go Circular Date! Find someone who chases you down and feels compelled to be with you! Love, Rori

  82.  #82Rori Raye on September 22, 2014 at 7:54 pm

    Ayesha – friends are friends. You can do whatever you like with a man who’s a friend. I don’t hear you saying that there’s anything more, here – what makes you feel this is “more than friends”?

  83.  #83RileyTheOwl on September 22, 2014 at 9:39 pm

    Just got my schedule for school, and so did C… aaanndd we have a class together. Chemistry. Ahhhh this feels awful and so unexpected, I didn’t even realize it was possible for that to happen.

    Last year we had 0 classes together and I liked it. When I was in class I was focusing on myself and my learning. Improving me. Being studious. Taking notes. Being successful.

    Now…. I feel worried that because he’ll be seeing me in class, he won’t feel the need to pursue me as much or as often. Will the rubber band always be loose?

    I may switch classes.

    I am also going to share with him how I’m feeling about this… I don’t want to hurt his feelings, but I understand that if I share this in the right way from my heart, it will deepen our conection and he’ll be able to hear me and understand where I’m coming from.

    I reeeeallly want him to hear me.


  84.  #84RileyTheOwl on September 22, 2014 at 10:09 pm

    Maybe I won’t switch classes…

    Maybe this could tighten the rubber band…

    If being in the same room somehow doesn’t affect my energy (which is something I am beinning to open up to practicing, because I know if we’re in the same classroom my mind will wander over to him more than I’d like it too)
    If it doesn’t affect my energy, and I stay all siren-y, then it could just tighten the rubber band more, because he’s seeing me and being tempted by my close energy….

    I could make this work for me, instead of going to all the hassle to switch around my schedule….

    I really don’t know what to do

    What do you sirens think…. I could share with him my feelings of fear (fear of maybe not seeing each other as much because he’ll see me in class) and then just staying in the class and working through this,
    Stay in the class and work through this and not share my fear feelings, get into the mindset that I can do this, it’s not even a problem so I won’t share


    Share my feelings and switch classes

  85.  #85Indigo on September 22, 2014 at 10:22 pm


    I’m with Rori. I have plenty of guys who are friends, and anything goes with them as long as it feels good. If they ask me for advice, I give it to them just as I would for a girlfriend. I initiate contact and invite them to things and whatever I like, as long as it all feels good.

    It all depends on your feelings and expectations. If you’re not invested, if you have no expectations, then go right ahead. It is a different story if you want something romantic with this guy though…

  86.  #86Indigo on September 22, 2014 at 10:25 pm

    Dominique 77,

    It feels relieving to know that you worked for years on feeling twisted up inside with fear and insecurity, it makes me feel not so alone. Because I feel that is my path, and I have come so far already yet I suspect it will still take time, and it feels relieving to know that a siren like you also struggled with this at one time.

    I loved and needed this too: “There are no mistakes, not even steps backwards, only ones sideways. And yes you may stumble sometimes, and you may even fall flat on your butt. So what. We all do. So you pick yourself up, dust yourself off, clean up your booboos if necessary, and you carry on – filling your life up FOR YOU, in ways which feel good to YOU.”


  87.  #87Emerson on September 22, 2014 at 11:47 pm

    Hi sirens
    I’ve been listening to a lot of music lately and it’s feeling therapeutic…
    I feel open to meet someone new…and tonight I was practicing roris tools at a coffee shop, literally within a minute two men talked to me…lol one complimented me and the other asked me for a pen and sat next to me :$
    I was feeling open energy and waterwheel and open/ learning back… It really works when it feels authentic and even when it doesn’t feel authentic, I do it anyway to flip my emotions 😉

    Feeling ok today

  88.  #88Emerson on September 22, 2014 at 11:54 pm

    I really finally feel so clear about what I want in life and I feel ready to put it on my vision board…
    I want a family of my own and a husband that is loyal and loves me for who I am…
    I feel like it could be possible…why have I alwsys been so afraid? I feel afraid of having something to lose and feeling heartbroken …and I don’t want to think that way anymore! It is holding me back…
    My lack of faith!!
    I intend to have more faith in things turning out well and for the best…
    I finally have a career I am budinf on that i feel good about… Not sure why that took me so long either…
    My previous career was u fulfilling and exhausting. Why did I stay for so long!? Security. Maybe I’m just better at jumping out my comfort zone now…
    Today I pictured myself jumping off a cliff,,, not in a bad scary way, but more like stepping off a cliff and floating or flying… Really letting go..and it was all centered around a forever relationship…
    Step off the cliff and let go, let it happen,,,

  89.  #89Emerson on September 22, 2014 at 11:56 pm

    I’m feeling teary reading my own post…I’m up way too late…long day tomorrow…all will be ok, I have a’s all ok

  90.  #90Millie on September 23, 2014 at 12:52 am

    Victory ladies! I went dancing tonight and brought a female friend. We had so much fun and I danced a ton!! I didn’t feel like I needed to hang around dance teacher or feel reliant on him for socialness since I brought my friend! We had great energy and met some new dancers. I have a crush on dance teacher though……I can feel it. I think I screwed things up between us though. By revealing my insecurities and also putting some boundaries that probably sent a No message. I don’t really know how to change that. Last time I saw him he said he missed me and how great it was that I came. Tonight he asked me to dance, but barely said a word, not even bye. He seemed very distant. I don’t know, I guess I have this saucy fantasy of us dancing passionately and the chemistry gets too much to bear and we start kissing during the dance lesson, up against the barre….and you know the rest… I feel the heat and I want to kiss him. I don’t really know what else to do but keep being myself….I don’t really want to make the first move and risk feeling embarrassed. I wish romance was easy.

  91.  #91Daria on September 23, 2014 at 3:19 am

    Big Questions for me around men friends

    such as… if i start ‘doing’ and thinking of doing things for my male friends – which is such a strong pull for me and i’ve done much before –

    is this smothering their masculinity?

    i’ve pulled back so much and i feel responsible, as a sister/mother to offer them what i’ve had support with from family, that they to me seem to be missing

    it’s so easy to give to them….

    but will this throw MY energy off?

    in the past i would just contemplate on how i can make their lives better… and maybe i did? or maybe i smothered?

    i feel so confused

    i feel angry thinking Rori is not going to Really answer this for me….


    shaking my head in my imagination

    feeling sad and alone with this

    SO important to me!! feeling desperate and like shaking something

  92.  #92Daria on September 23, 2014 at 3:22 am

    Azure Blu – electronizing was my word for using electronics such as the computer….

    it had been draining my energy the past year or so and i was feeling ill

  93.  #93Daria on September 23, 2014 at 3:24 am

    i could buy them stuff, go out to see them and give them advice…

    is this smothering?

    will it affect my vibe with romantic interests because i get in a habit of this with men?

    i want to trust they will take care of self but i dont, i dont see it yet AND… ive had support i want Them to have too!

    i can offer them that support…

    i feel TORN

    and i feel pist at being torn and not being given the answers!!!!

  94.  #94Indigo on September 23, 2014 at 3:59 am

    Daria, I hear you

    I have similar concerns. I like to be in female energy, even with male friends, because it feels good.

    For me that’s why I qualify when I say I do whatever I like with male friends “as long as it feels good” because for me, that’s what is important. It feels good to me to be in feminine mode the majority of the time, so I only initiate or invite or advise with my male friends occasionally, and that’s only if I don’t have any expectations, and if I feel I have energy to spare. I check in with my energy and I try to keep things “light” because this is what feels good to me.

    I am wary of going into overfunctioning mode with my friends, so if I feel I’m sailing a little close to that line I tend to pull back and give a bit of space…

  95.  #95Oshun on September 23, 2014 at 5:53 am

    Sirens, HELP!

    I went on my “meet and greet” last night and actually had a good time. Surprised!

    My issue is with the question I’m getting now. I’m 31, never been married, and have no children. The question used to be just “why are you single?” Now it’s more like “what’s your story? You’re beautiful, seemingly intelligent, stable but you’ve never been married and don’t have kids.” One guy, not the guy from yesterday, asked had anybody ever liked me enough to want to marry me. He didn’t make it past the first date. Still this bothers me. It makes me feel heavy having to explain my choices. And honestly I’m starting to wonder…is it me?

    I’m not married because I don’t want to be married to the wrong person. I’ve had a relationship that was headed towards marriage but I saw how this man hang led his mother and how he handled me and decided I’d rather be single forever than marry a man like that. I don’t have children because I’m not married. Not to take away anything from women who’ve had children out of wedlock but that isn’t for me. I wish to be married when I have children.

    Do people really think there is something wrong with a woman if she hasn’t at least been marriedd once by 30? That made me feel so heavy last night, the thought that I may be judged for wanting to be responsible. I also felt very discouraged and sad, to be honest. I think that struck a cord…maybe something I subconsciously feel and I had to stop myself from sobbing when I went to be last night. Pathetic, I know. I want children. I want marriage. I just haven’t come across a guy worth marrying yet.

    Any advice on this? How to handle that question? Encouragement?

  96.  #96Andrea on September 23, 2014 at 6:35 am

    Riley… ? I don’t understand what you’re feeling here. A man you like is in the same class as you? You feel that if he sees you during the day, he might not “miss” you, he might not pursue you as much? You feel that if you see him during the day you might be distracted by his presence and not able to concentrate on school?

    Do I have that right? I feel really curious…. what would the feeling message be to him that you want to share?

    To me… it all feels over thinking, it all feels future projection of what might take place, it all feels very DO something…. in order to control something.

    I would….. breath. I would… saturate myself in the moment. I would….. not worry about the future, but perhaps imagine feeling loving feelings. I would… not… not… talk to him about it. It isn’t his doing that he’s in the same class. You don’t know that this will affect his attraction to you in any way. I would …. not change classes. I would trust myself to be able to concentrate on the importance of the issue at hand. When school is tugging at you, pay attention to school. When you are feeling overwhelmed with giddy emotion because “C” is sitting so close to you… pay attention to that emotion… let it swell, let it subside.. move on. etc…

    This isn’t about him. I would not make it about him.

  97.  #97Andrea on September 23, 2014 at 6:44 am

    Oshun…. : ) ahhhh……
    “Do people really think there is something wrong with a woman if she hasn’t been married at least once before she’s 30?”

    Oshun… do you really think there is something wrong with a woman…. who makes rationale, reasonable, responsible choices for her own happiness and the happiness and security of her future children, AND her future husband???

    I don’t know if you are projecting “judgement” when men ask you questions like that. It could be that they are just curious… also… it could be that they are nervous and don’t know what to ask, or say, and just allow what comes tumbling out of their mouth to come.

    You’ve made brilliant decisions for your life, based on what your values are!!! Why would you second guess that? Your degree of difficulty is amazing! You’re a challenge. You don’t settle for less than what you believe you are worth! I’m impressed and amazed and I’m only learning how to do that for myself right now at 41.

    Remember that the ONE right man is out there and he will rise to the challenge. All the other men, who are asking the strange questions, are for practice. You don’t need to be a match for all the other men…. just that one. He’s the one who will be amazed that you held to your values until he came along.

  98.  #98Andrea on September 23, 2014 at 7:00 am

    My own drama with BD is wonderfully shaping my self esteem. I’m healing from the past. I’m healing for the future. I’m sitting in a kind of upheaval, but I’m at peace because I’ve practiced upholding my boundaries.

    No need to go into the behaviour … or the drama…

    Just the awareness. My biological father left my siblings and I when I was five. In order for my sisters and I to heal, I remember us kind of making excuses for him. Kind of telling ourselves and each other… “He loves us in his own way.” “He loves us, he just can’t show us love the way that we want it.” “He loves us, but it’s his kind of love.” etc etc…

    This past weekend, I watched one of my own daughters do that for her dad. Excuse him. Accept his “kind of love” as… it’s okay, that’s just how he is.

    I didn’t intervene. I just took both my daughters away from the situation. I took them to lunch and let them vent on me. I kept thinking in my mind…. “THIS is love.” Love is.. “I will be here for you.” Love is… self sacrifice sometimes. Love is… I can’t take your pain, but I am a witness. Love is…. oh… so much… I LOVE my daughters.

    Every second of their lives, I’m part of it.

    This morning I awoke with a realization.

    Why am I more infatuated with unavailable men? Because I’ve heard and told myself all my life… My dad, who was an absent father, loved me… (in his kind of way).

    Wait a second. That’s not love. (MY kind of way.) I started with this realization; What if my dad didn’t really love me? What if the fact that he could turn his back, move miles away, birth other children, have no contact with us… etc…
    Is all evidence of his NON love. He didn’t love me.

    Okay… is that the worst thing in the world for me to realize??? Wait a second… you mean that abandonment is NOT love??? You mean that unavailability is NOT love???

    Guess what, I’m okay. My dad didn’t love me. Huh. You mean Dads are sometimes selfish too? You mean that he’s not the best image of love that I have to go by. ???

    I love me. I can also name many many people who love me and show me that they love me in many different ways.

    It’s so funny that my whole life I’ve been chasing the absent father while ignoring the love that’s been given. I’ve been trying to “fix” the broken marriage my parents had, instead of seeing the joy my mom lived when she met my step dad. Weird.

  99.  #99Azure Blu on September 23, 2014 at 7:17 am

    Millie #90
    Ohhh… I feel happy to hear about you taking a gf to the dance…

    BUT sharing your insecurities and boundaries is a GOOD thing…
    If it pushes a man away… then he isn’t the right man…
    Being Authentic and vulnerable attracts GOOD men…

    Him being distant most likely had NOTHING to do with you…
    Keep CDing and going out with available men…

    This is just MY opinion but…
    Most dance instructors I’ve known are VERY friendly with ALL their dance students… (in other words… quite flirtatious) :-))
    Flirt back BUT DON’T get caught in the web… :-))

  100.  #100Azure Blu on September 23, 2014 at 7:20 am

    Emerson #88
    Gentle Siren
    How lovely… Your visualization of letting go…

    I can feel the soft, warm breeze, holding you… letting YOU float gently into a forever relationship…
    YOU Loving YOU with tender compassion!!!
    YOU are Worthy of a forever relationship…

  101.  #101Azure Blu on September 23, 2014 at 7:23 am

    Not remembering how long you have been with C…
    is he a cd or are you exclusive?

    I am confused about why being in a class with him should cause any problems? Can explain?

  102.  #102Azure Blu on September 23, 2014 at 7:34 am

    IamHis #74
    I do understand some of what you are going through…
    I too get VERY scared when a man shows interest and then I start liking him…
    This last time with Spirit…
    I was cool and leaned back in the beginning and then
    I watched myself start acting VERY clingy the MORE I liked him…
    BUT this time… I started watching carefully the balance of ME leaning forward and letting him lead…
    When I would lean too far forward… I could feel him pulling back… so I would quickly lean back…

    I realized, for ME, I start getting clingy because I think THEY can fill MY emptiness…
    And then I had a BIG REALIZATION –
    And I CAN/DO Fill ME Up!!!
    it changed the dynamic right away!!!

    I still will lean forward and watch the balance of the dance carefully… but the Major Clynginess
    Which I know scared them away…
    Is mainly gone!!! YAY RORI’s tools!!!

  103.  #103Azure Blu on September 23, 2014 at 7:42 am

    Darian #93
    Such a kind, caring person YOU are…

    I used to always give and give to others… male or female… and finally I realized
    I had expectations with the giving…
    (My subconcious said) People like ME because I am kind, giving and VERY helpful… always happy…
    MY authentic self is NOT loveable… so if I GIVE and GIVE people will surely like me…

    Soooo I backed off and observed myself as i gave to see what was best for me and them…
    and now… I am generous… but carefully generous…
    and MUCH MORE authentic with sharing who I am…

  104.  #104Azure Blu on September 23, 2014 at 7:48 am

    Lovely, beautiful Siren.
    I had my first child at 30…
    I didn’t want children before that.. I wanted to live a little before settling down… :-))

    I’m Glad I waited…

    My son is 30 and he doesn’t want to date a woman who has had children… he has been VERY careful also and I am proud of his maturity!!!

    My sister had her second child at 42… her husband was 54…

    You are doing REALLY well in learning to LOVE YOU and staying on YOUR Horse and CDING…
    You are preparing your feminine heart for Mr. Right.

  105.  #105RileyTheOwl on September 23, 2014 at 7:48 am

    Happy New moon sirens! 🙂

    Times for new beginnings(:

  106.  #106RileyTheOwl on September 23, 2014 at 7:59 am

    101, Azure Blu- C and I have been together for almost two years now. (Exclusive). I guess this just feels like a shift, because the past two years I’ve always loved how he’d come to wait outside all my classes, always text me during school how he misses me, and I guess I just panicked a little bit and felt blah about us taking a class together.
    96, Andrea- I was trying to figure out why I didn’t feel happy when he looked at my schedule and said we had a class… I felt fear at that moment, and I really don’t know why. Maybe part of me needs my space. Maybe part of me is scared that, yes, he won’t pursue me as much becaus he’s seeing me during the day. All I know for sure is I definitely didn’t feel good hearing that.

    I really like what you wrote about breathting, and I will try this… But I do feel really uncomfortable with taking a class together. Ugh.

  107.  #107teresa on September 23, 2014 at 8:15 am

    Hoping this new moon will bring all of us sirens some happiness and joy. I know I could use some right now.

  108.  #108Oshun on September 23, 2014 at 8:17 am

    Thank you Andrea & Azure.

    I believe a part of my is judging myself and people pick up on that. I’m working on my self-talk in areas, this is one of them.

    I have waited for the right one because I want it to be right. Nobody, including myself, should make me feel less than because of that.

    And since tonight is a new moon…I’m getting out into nature and connecting. I need to.

  109.  #109Millie on September 23, 2014 at 8:26 am

    Azure, you are so right! Dance teachers are totally like that… Which is what I originally thought of him and used it to joke around with him. I had written him off because of it. I’m not sure what changed, but your right… I should stay out.

  110.  #110Femininewoman on September 23, 2014 at 8:40 am

    Oshun it seems to me that you have standards and maybe you just need a script to share that with guys. If you do it will cement in guys minds that you are not the girl for a fling if that is what they are looking for. This shows you are picky and clear about what you want I believe guys find that sexy and attractive. It will make the man you choose feel special.

    Men are simple. They ask the question simply because they want to know. Just let them know you are an old fashioned type of girl who believes in chivalry, family and men who want to build a special love story with one woman who he considers his queen.

  111.  #111teresa on September 23, 2014 at 8:40 am

    I feel so sad……having anxiety today. 🙁

  112.  #112RileyTheOwl on September 23, 2014 at 8:45 am

    ((((((((((Teresa)))))))))) <3

  113.  #113Azure Blu on September 23, 2014 at 9:05 am

    ” Just let them know you are an old fashioned type of girl who believes in chivalry, family and men who want to build a special love story with one woman who he considers his queen.”

  114.  #114Dominique on September 23, 2014 at 9:28 am

    Andrea – 98 – Gorgeous. 🙂 I love being witness to such amazing revelations.


  115.  #115Azure Blu on September 23, 2014 at 9:43 am

    Andrea #98…
    I agree with Dominique!

    What YOU are realizing is sooo Profound…
    How brave YOU are to look closely at ALLLL of YOU…
    and Your past… and See what
    and now
    NEW Beginnings can happen…
    I’m sooo excited for YOU and YOUR daughters!!!
    Breaking the chain of unavailable LOVE…

  116.  #116Azure Blu on September 23, 2014 at 9:47 am

    Wrap Your arms around YOU… Give YOURSELF
    Compassion and understanding…
    Hold YOUR Hand…
    love to you darling Siren…

  117.  #117Mandy on September 23, 2014 at 10:44 am

    Just dropping in to check up!

    I went on my “meet and greet” last night and actually had a good time. Surprised!

    Oshun –

    I think if a man says “You are beautiful, why don’t you have a husband and children?” He’s actually trying to pay you a compliment, by saying you are the whole package, beautiful, smart, etc. You might have taken it the wrong way, as in there’s “something wrong with you” but I can assure you that there is nothing wrong with you. I feel that you feel bad about not having kids and marriage yet because you want those things, obviously. But don’t beat yourself up! All things in due time…there’s a Chinese proverb that says “try softer’. This is why Rori’s mantras work for me, because they slow me down and allow me to try softer, and every time I do it, someone or something shows up. Ever noticed when you stop caring that someone shows up? 🙂

    Sirens –

    Facebook. My J gets jealous when I do the Facebook thing. And angry. He always assumes I’d rather be talking to others besides him when I do it. It’s a bit confusing, because that’s not the case at all, I just like to chat! 😛 I feel pretty confused on that one, since usually I’ve never been on the receiving end of jealousy.

    I have not been thinking about how many times per month or whatever that J and I are intimate, lol. So silly and OCD and nit-picky. Mostly because I’ve been focusing on my surgery I had yesterday to have my Thyroid removed, because I’ve been working for a lot of modeling photographs so I can have updated pieces right before the surgery, and also because I’ve cut my hair off and let it blow free…I didn’t realize what a gorgeous neck and back I have, and cutting off that security blanket of hair, that little girl princess hair, has even got me sitting up straighter, feeling more elegant and exuding confidence/class.

    J has taken the past three days off to take care of me, he got me miso soup and vanilla ice cream for my sore throat after having that breathing tube inside my throat! It was so sweet. He’s looking nice, with a fresh shave, haircut and dye job, too.

    So I am just healing this week. It is good for the soul I believe to sometimes let yourself take a break.

    I hope all the Sirens here are doing well!

  118.  #118Azure Blu on September 23, 2014 at 11:14 am

    I am sending Healing vibrations and prayers to YOU!!!

    You sound grounded and calm…
    so glad J is helping you during your convalescing!! :-))

  119.  #119IamHis on September 23, 2014 at 11:20 am

    Oshun, I feel inspired by you. 🙂

  120.  #120Oshun on September 23, 2014 at 11:42 am

    Thank you so much ladies. Really. I was about to have a crisis! Maybe it was the way it sounded or how he asked. Maybe it was the voice in my head that has been quietly asking why don’t I have these things and second guessing myself. Either way, I will say mantras/affirmations, meditate, etc. to keep my spirit calm. And to remind myself that I am YOUNG and have time. I went through something similar when I turned thirty because things were hard financially and the relationship I was in was horrific. Once again, I reminded that these are things I worry about and most times people don’t judge us the same way. I have to quit being so hard on myself and live my life. What I desire is coming…I already have it because I desire it… if I’d just realize it…

    Thank you all so much for the positive words.

  121.  #121Waterfall on September 23, 2014 at 11:44 am

    @ Andrea


    I am crying so much at your last post about your absent father.

    I have thought this for years but thought that everyone thiught the opposite from me.

    To me, people either care or they don’t. There is no real inbetween.

    Sometimes people are just in your life because they gappen to be there at the time. And you feel it you sense it.

    Other people really seem to be there because of you and can have the effect of making you feeling really, really special and valued.

    Maybe a kind word, a smile, a pat on the shoulder etc. its funny what all this means to us. Instead of others who merely imprint their lives onto ours.

    I feel nervous around these people because I am so aware of how much they don’t notice me. I don’t matter to them…

  122.  #122Indigo on September 23, 2014 at 11:45 am


    Ooh, “try softer”, I love it love it!

    I have to remind myself of that – when I can feel my trying, striving energy, and it starts to make me anxious… to soften my gaze…

  123.  #123Indigo on September 23, 2014 at 11:50 am


    Also be aware that when people say things like this, if it seems judgmental, they are often projecting their own harsh judgment of themselves. That is what I have noticed when someone tries to make me feel in some way bad or explain why I’m not married or don’t want children. If they were fully happy with themselves they wouldn’t feel the need to do that.

    Remember your choices and timeline are perfectly valid. You don’t need to defend them. I think it’s an opportunity to vote for yourself and to stand up for and honour the decisions you’ve made, which is a form of self-love and self-respect 🙂

  124.  #124Indigo on September 23, 2014 at 11:58 am

    Andrea 98,

    I too love your realisations.

    I remember when I had the realization that my parents weren’t perfect and I came face to face with all the sh1tty things that they did – didn’t hide from it or make apologies for it, just saw it for what it was, didn’t need to explain it away. And then thought, huh, my parents were not perfect.

    And maybe I can just let it be what it is, forgive them, stop lamenting about the past, and choose love from this day forward.

    I think it is very freeing when you accept your parents’ imperfection, and stop trying to work it out in your mind, but actively choose to let in what you DO want for yourself from now on. For me, it was like I let them off the hook, as if I was saying to myself, I’ve got this from here.

  125.  #125Azure Blu on September 23, 2014 at 12:08 pm

    Ahhhh… Indigo…. Soooo Beautiful!!!

    “For me, it was like I let them off the hook, as if I was saying to myself, I’ve got this from here.”
    YES!!! That is where I want MY heart to BE!!!

  126.  #126Azure Blu on September 23, 2014 at 12:11 pm

    I believe Mandy is right…
    When men OR Women say this to YOU…
    “You are beautiful, why don’t you have a husband and children?”
    THey’re actually trying to pay you a compliment,
    by saying you are the whole package,
    beautiful, smart, fun etc.
    and anyone is CRAZY for NOT wrapping YOU up and carrying YOU away!!!”

  127.  #127Oshun on September 23, 2014 at 12:56 pm

    …and then I pull up my Kindle and read “Be Your Own Boyfriend” by Kaneisha Grayson. Two happiness threats are discussed, self-limiting talk…guilty and playing the “should” game (i.e. I should be married by now, etc.)…guilty. Nothing is a coincidence so these words were needed today.

  128.  #128Kim on September 23, 2014 at 1:10 pm

    A lot of frustration today…CD from last night is texting me..ugh.
    MoM texted me well after my meeting ‘good luck for your meeting’…ugh.
    My meeting went crap. I wanted to so social media work for him but he doesn’t want to pay…he wants me to do sales for him..knocking on doors (restaurants etc)…which is not my personality.
    I will try, but I do not like the bs he was telling me I ‘should say’ to them.
    I am a writer not a talker..ugh.

  129.  #129ayesha on September 23, 2014 at 1:50 pm

    Rori and Indigo – well haha I have a big crush on him! So that’s what makes it more than friends. 🙂 Dunno how he feels though. I don’t want to delude myself about it being more than what it is but I also want to be a siren IN the friendship, you know? I want to be confident, sexy, and feminine in my friendship with him – not just a gender-neutral friend – because that’s how i feel. I value his friendship in my life, and would be ok with being just friends, I really respect him as a person and he adds to my life just being who he is, but I’m also interested in more. I want to honor both those things – my desire AND the friendship. I want to bring my desire to the friendship and see where it goes. What do you think?

  130.  #130Linda on September 23, 2014 at 4:25 pm

    Reading the comments of late I realized that I too “let my parents off the hook” quite a while back. In retrospect is has proven to be a gift I gave myself. Understanding what elements have influenced and molded me (good and bad) feels monumental. It helped me understand how I got to where I was and why. I transferred the energy I was using to “hold them responsible” to actually living my life and me defining it instead.

  131.  #131Linda on September 23, 2014 at 4:57 pm

    For the first time in a looong time I feel decisive and well. My head feels clear and my heart energized because of it. It is amazing what this season of investing in myself has produced so far !

    My mindset has shifted. My energy has shifted. Look out… I am about to “bust a move” I’m just sayin!

  132.  #132Azure Blu on September 23, 2014 at 5:16 pm

    Kim #128
    Ohhhh… I’m sorry your meeting didn’t go like you had hoped!!!
    So to him “social media” is sales… Funny!!! :->

    I too help companies with their social media…
    They all want/need it but have a difficult time paying for it…

    Why didnt you want to hear from last nights CD?

  133.  #133Andrea on September 23, 2014 at 6:37 pm

    Yes, what I realized.. in telling myself, growing up, that the behaviour of my father was “real Love”, I was actually looking for the SAME behaviour from life partners so I could also get “real Love” from them.

    I kept repeating my search for the kind of love my dad showed me.

    Now I realize… wait a second… that wasn’t love. I don’t blame him, or let him off the hook, or keep him on the hook. I just realized.. it’s not about him.

    That was not love and I’m okay. Wow. But guess what, I no longer need to chase the men who treat me the way my father did. I don’t need to continue looking for my dad in other men. Instead I can find love. Actual love. The kind of love that I need in my life.

    My dad not loving me is not the end of the world. My ex boyfriend not loving me is not the end of the world. That guy over there who seems kind of cute not loving is not the end of the world.

    It’s not about them. Not any of them.

    I’ve learned this with BD. I think… “wow, that doesn’t feel like love to me. What you’re expressing right now, even though you say you love me, does not feel like love TO ME. You having been absent all these years no longer feels like love to me. I have been putting up this charade, telling my daughters that their father loves us in the way he knows how to love. But now I see, wait a second, that is NOT love to me. That doesn’t feel good to me. You leaving us and leading us on and keeping us on this hook that if we don’t act right well you’re just going to leave us again. That does not feel like love to me. That feels like what my dad did. And I no longer accept that as love.”

    And it’s not the end of the world. It’s the end of my relationship with BD, but not the end of the world. It’s the end of my passively accepting my dad’s treatment of me and his passive aggressive hints that I should be the one to call him, I should be the one to make the move to come and visit him.. its’ the end of me being okay with those shenanigans, but it’s not the end of the world.

    It’s way lean back time for this sister. And I can’t TELL my daughters what to do, and I don’t need to discuss this with them or with BD. But I feel like my energy has changed. My actions have changed. My attitude has changed. And I believe that they will see that.

    Especially since I’m not angry. I feel crystal clear complete with in myself. And I feel no anger toward BD or my dad. Just this new awareness that has kind of set me free of worrying about their opinions of me. I just feel myself leaning back and I also feel the shift other men noticing me, taking note of me, smiling at me a little bit longer, holding the door for me and complimenting me. I also feel my creativity coming back in spades. I see me. Again.

  134.  #134teresa on September 23, 2014 at 6:50 pm

    Andrea 133
    Wow your post…..AMAZING. I have tears in my eyes. Your post has truly inspired me.

  135.  #135teresa on September 23, 2014 at 6:53 pm

    Azure Blu….RileytheOwl
    Thanks for the huggs!!

  136.  #136Mandy on September 23, 2014 at 7:31 pm

    By the way, thank you for your kind words Azure Blue and Indigo 🙂

  137.  #137Linda on September 23, 2014 at 7:37 pm

    I am off work for the next three days. I started my little stay-cation with a nap. Yep cuddled with my pup and napped. Followed by a yummy little dinner I whipped up. I have a couple of things on my “honey do list” but for the most part I am going to relax. I am going to purposely try something new. I feel curious about how it would affect my life if I was able to “melt” into each minute of my “ME” time for the next few days. Instead of feeling anxious or letting my thought life drag me to somewhere else, I am going to experiment with occupying each moment from corner to corner. I am going to practice on being simply”present” and melting . Like right now…. being aware of the soft sheets around my legs and comfy cotton sleep shirt against my skin and being happy /thankful for this moment. Instead of going to bed and feeling wishful for something else just experiencing what is instead and letting it fill me up.

  138.  #138Kim on September 23, 2014 at 8:12 pm

    132 -that’s interesting Azure, that we made the same experiences…
    Well, no he just thinks ‘profit’ and guess he sees immediate profit in selling..rather than a long term strategy in marketing. Fine but I am not a salesperson. Really, I suck at trying to sell on a cold call….so whatever. i agreed to a month trial and then bye bye.
    It is also too close to the stuff I want to make and sell myself and he already said something about not stealing secrets. i was thinking ‘secrets?’ They make salt scrubs…the recipe of which is widely available on the internet…hardly a secret. Lol.
    Increasingly I feel resistant to helping people build their businesses for peanuts when I maybe could do it myself and I always lacked the confidence…but the more I see, the more I realise that nothing apart from brainscience is actually
    We shall see.
    I need to do stuff I feel confident doing and passionate about…period.
    Eh, the CD is a bit needy and always used to come on way too strong…he sends texts after text…and it is overwhelming me…but ok.
    MoM called (he hardly ever calls, he more underwhelms me lol) and it was nice to talk to him..he said he misses me and we are getting together tomorrow…
    I feel better than earlier… 🙂
    Hope you are well!

  139.  #139Starla on September 23, 2014 at 11:37 pm

    I hope this is the year you find the confidence to just go for it. You have the digital marketing know how to market a business successfully online, and as an added bonus, you can write awesome content for a site blog tied to your online business that will hook people in from search engines. And then as another bonus, you have access to your friend Starla who has spent the last year doing this crap for a big ol’ eCommerce company, if you ever need to bounce your strategies off of anyone for input. <3 to you. I really see you succeeding in building a full time business for yourself.

  140.  #140Indigo on September 24, 2014 at 12:00 am


    I’m confused – you say you met him online, and that you are penpals, and that you have a crush on him. Have you ever met him in real life?

    Because if you haven’t, I would move things to meeting as soon as possible. And no more penpals. Keep your responses brief and in poetic, feeling messages. A man can’t fall in love with you unless he is actually with you in person, has a full-bodied experience of who you are. You could say something like “I feel bored with texting… I feel so curious about you in person” and build up to “going on a date would feel so lovely”.

    A man can never fall in love with you while you are being his penpal! It’s all head stuff.

    Hope this helps.

  141.  #141Daria on September 24, 2014 at 12:55 am

    try softer. thank you Mandy

  142.  #142Daria on September 24, 2014 at 12:58 am

    Azure Blu – thank you, i felt so good to read that i am a kind caring person

  143.  #143Daria on September 24, 2014 at 1:05 am

    i feel triggered

    my brother loves his children

    he loves them A LOT

    and he’s not there for them. bec of conflict with their mom, because of their unsafe for him location

    because in my perception he’s not strong enough or knowledgeble enough to “tell her how to respect him” as rori put it once

    i want to help with this
    i want to help lots of men

    but his love IS love

    i KNOW he loves them so much

    i relate to him in many ways ,like when i didn’t have the power to be there for them for a couple years bec of conflicts with my sister-their mom

    it IS love and i know this


    i feel defensive

    not fair

    not not not not fair

    i want to help

    i can might possibly help here

    since thier – brothers- mom passed away i said i would be their mom now

    and i want to help them have power

    and i want them to be there for their kids

    some care but are distracted

    but my brother does care, everyday everyday

    i know and feel it

    and everytime i talk to him i know and feel it

    and when he WAS there, he was showing it and showing it, much more than other men ive seen


    i dont want love being labeled

    i feel angry and defensive

    i feel sad

    i want this to all get lovely, the way i want

    i had a dream about it last nite, and yes i did say i want you to somehow see the kids



    and i did say i want you to learn how to tell my sister to respect you


    try softer? i feel like a rushing wave

    i dont feel soft i feel like the rushing wave that i know of me


    i want to shake the spirits and say help me

    when i get my health even more up i can shift this energy

    it will all be cool

    i feel sad

    i feel powerful

    back and forth and its all good

    trust trust trust in my panic of untrustingness

  144.  #144Daria on September 24, 2014 at 1:12 am

    thank you Indigo…

    i like the idea of pulling back when going into overfunctioning mode with friends. i thoiught of times i do that with women friends

  145.  #145Daria on September 24, 2014 at 1:15 am

    more and more i want the courage and way of being to go places where there are men i might find attractive ALONE and meet new people

    i often feel so terrified and tightened up that i dont meet them

    and i bet this will change everything for me

    as my health keeps improving i know i will open up more in this way

    i felt it before for a moment when i had extra energy

    and now i feel scared thinking about it!

    i can meet new friends, new men this way, i can feel like im having a fun life

    rather than a life of no or little friends that im limited to

    and this might somehow relate to this Giving thing i want to do

    i might be able to share more from a new place instead of give

    i feel blanked on how it related and maybe thats teh electroinzing

    it will work

    all the babysteps

    i know some things i can do for me and i can do them

  146.  #146Magic Seahorse on September 24, 2014 at 4:03 am

    Andrea- WOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! I had to get that out first;) I feel sooo full of fireworks reading your last three post. I feel a celebration of Andrea inside me! You found your key and it’s beautiful to witness.

    in regards to your girls………………… they will see and hear and FEEL what you have discovered and it will just come out of everything you do……… Everything little to big huge things you do will be colored in your new normal that they will get it by osmosis. It’s such a treasure to witness this. Thank you for posting it.

    Glowing love and the biggest hugs for you and your girls!!!!!!!!!!

    Magic Seahorse

  147.  #147Kim on September 24, 2014 at 4:05 am

    Starla! I loved your comment,nthank you, thank you, thank you!
    Made me feel great for the day readibg it first thing!

  148.  #148Magic Seahorse on September 24, 2014 at 4:07 am

    I’m still here reading and cheering for us all!!!!! I changed my geographical location and have been busy. Not to busy to read Rori and all you lovely Sirens though! Here’s a hug and a kiss and a gigantic TALLY HOOOOO!!!!!! for all;)

    Magic Seahorse

  149.  #149Indigo on September 24, 2014 at 4:46 am


    Your post has added extra inspiration to a train of thought I had last night. I had been feeling sad for the last couple of days thinking about how close friends have been a bit distant of late. I had been fretting and feeling sad about it, and trying to “close the gap” by reaching out to them and inviting them to do stuff with me. And I got lukewarm responses.

    And then last night I thought, hang on a minute. My energy is going out to them, has been for a few days now, it’s lean back time. It’s stop trying so hard time. It’s just sink into myself, do stuff that makes me happy time. Forget about them. They’ll reach out when they’re ready. Or not. But I’m done with this clingy, overfunctioning, trying to get people to love me energy. This is me, here I am. Love me or not! It’s ok, it’s all good, but I’m not going to try and earn your love!

  150.  #150teresa on September 24, 2014 at 5:09 am

    Linda 137
    I am not sure I would be able to do this. I feel the only way for me is to stay busy. If I sit and relax I get bored.

    Yesterday was my first eye opening experience. I was able to feel and truely understand that I have the right to feel my feelings. To know that I don’t have to “suck it up”. I actually felt the moment and cried…..and kept crying. The feelings were scary but it gave me peace. I know am beginning to understand the process of who I am and what I feel.

    Thanks Leigha xxoo

  151.  #151Christy on September 24, 2014 at 6:39 am

    #81 – Thanks Rori! I needed to hear that. I’ve been circular dating and it’s nice to have the men hounding me down for once. I’m tempted to call the men I’m “attracted to,” but obviously when I don’t call, they never even come into my life! Sigh … I’m happy I’m on the right path. The transition is just hard. Thank you for everything.

  152.  #152IamHis on September 24, 2014 at 7:47 am

    I feel amazing. I didn’t want to go. It honestly took every fiber of willpower I had inside of me to get out of bed and go. Being surrounded by mirrors like that, I could see every curve, lump, & flaw. Our instructor was so skinny and muscular, but thankfully beautiful and compassionate. Salsa Aerobics Class! Thanks, Natalina! Admittedly there were no men there, but this felt like an important step. Dancing to the music felt like remembering who I used to be when I truly loved myself. Feels like it was such a long time ago. Feels good to remember…

  153.  #153Azure Blu on September 24, 2014 at 7:54 am

    Linda #137
    Ahhhh…. so soft like a gentle fall breeze on a sunshiny day!!
    I feel very inspired by how calm and soft you are being with YOU!!!

    “Melting into each minute with ME!!!”

    “I am going to experiment with occupying each moment from corner to corner. I am going to practice on being simply”present” and melting .”

    A gentle reminder for ME to just BE

  154.  #154ayesha on September 24, 2014 at 7:54 am

    Indigo – dropping them truth bombs! Well, he lives in my home country and I live in the US haha. We’ve never met. I may go visit in a few months – need to see friends and family. I will probably meet him then, I’m guessing.

    At this point I just want a skype date but don’t want to be the one to ASK for it. Have been wondering how to communicate that I want to actually skype with him at least. Your suggestions for wording are really helpful!! Hmmm…. i feel scared. I think i would not feel comfortable saying “would be lovely to go on a date” because that seems really forward and masculine… i want him to do it. but he seems really shy. or not interested?

    also dont want to get into an imaginary relationship. which i guess is what this looks like. ugh.

    omg but i met this hot guy at a cafe last night. we had an amazing conversation. he was so hot. we talked a lot and flirted a bunch. he was so gentlemanly. getting me stuff. but he didnt ask for my number. must be taken. no other reason he wouldnt have asked me out. but it was nice to chat with him and flirt with him and be turned on by him. gave me perspective on the penpal too 🙂 it feels so good to feel turned on. man he really fired me up!!

    thanks indigo for your feedback

  155.  #155Indigo on September 24, 2014 at 8:47 am


    Unfortunately it is imaginary until you meet.

    There is nothing wrong with stating your likes, desires and feelings, what you want… this is about you, and personally I think it’s so essential that men know what feels good to us, what we want and how to get somewhere with us. How would they know if we don’t tell them. Using feeling messages is very feminine. It’s when it turns into a request or demand of him with expectations that it’s a big no-no.

    You are going about it the right way with meeting other men, circular dating and being turned on by other things and men. That’s what it’s all about!

  156.  #156Femininewoman on September 24, 2014 at 8:48 am

    Hi Ayesha. Reading your comments you sound very inexperienced to me. Do you mind if I ask how old are you?

  157.  #157Mandy on September 24, 2014 at 10:03 am

    Just popping in again…

    After my Thyroid surgery I had Monday, I’m feeling this is the perfect opportunity to lean back, be extra gentle with myself and be vulnerable, and say no to doing anything that’s too much for me right now. You’d be surprised at how many of my close friends forget that I’ve just been through major surgery and still ask things of me, but I digress, I just have to forgive them right now because I seriously need down-time and rest.

    I’ve been icing my wound religiously and taking care to not be too energetic with bathing and sleeping. I actually went for a little walk yest4erday in the sun though and it felt good.

    Here’s to slowing WAY down….:) Slooooow moootion….

  158.  #158Azure Blu on September 24, 2014 at 10:10 am

    How Siren like to take GOOD care of YOU!!!
    maybe ask your friends and family to help you out…

    Good practice for YOU to be receiving and vulnerable…

    get well sooon…
    Enjoy SLOOOOWING way Doooowwwwnnnn..

  159.  #159ayesha on September 24, 2014 at 10:49 am

    Hi Femininewoman and Indigo (and all),

    Haha umm I’m not that young… I’m 29 🙂 I don’t know how old other people are around here. What is the average age you think?

    I’ve been reading Rori’s stuff over and over again for the last 5 years and it’s really changed my relationships with men and my own self-esteem issues. I broke up with my boyfriend of 2 years who I thought I was going to marry 6 months ago. I just wasn’t fulfilled in the relationship and I think he wasn’t either. He’s a wonderful person and we’re still friends. It’s a bit complicated being friends but I love him as a person and I don’t feel any attraction to him so I’m ok with that.

    So… I’m kinda stepping into the dating scene after some time. building up my strength and independence again. Seeing single life as an exciting adventure rather than something to be dreaded 🙂 And I guess still figuring out what I want right now, and what i’m READY FOr right now. Maybe im attracted to this pen pal because it’s unreal and that’s all I can deal with right now. It’s an interesting experience though. Have felt massively triggered by the ‘relationship’ in some ways. In the beginning it led to conflict between me and the penpal. And then I realized I was feeling a lot of anxiety and pain and that’s my STUFF. So then I started journaling like crazy, and also meditating. And I don’t let my ‘stuff’ play out in the exchange anymore.It’s scary being vulnerable… I guess I’m also discovering my own boundaries in the process. It’s been a wonderful journey of self-discovery. I’ve been healing a lot of different parts of myself from over the years. Feeling more and more like a sexy diva who can have it all and be a sensual, powerful woman with a man, or without him 😉

    Indigo, I did write to him, something feeling-based and poetic as you suggested 🙂 Not about meeting upthough, just communicating my curiosity and wonder about him and our relationship , because that’s what felt authentic to me in that moment. I think you’re really right that we need to be able to TELL a guy what we want without burdening him. But I also think… that… there’s a time and place for that and… it’s ok to let some things grow in energy first… give him a chance to figure out what he feels or wants.. meanwhile I can flirt with him and other guys 😉 Let’s see.. it’s also so ambiguous – this ‘relationship’ or ‘friendship’ I have with him. And that’s kind of what i said to him. that i really enjoy our exchange but at the same time in some ways it doesn’t feel real. (I said it in feeling messages.) That I feel close to him in a way but we’ve never even met… and i wonder what he’s like in real life…

    Wow this is a long post 🙂

    Thank you all for responding to me and taking an interest in my story!!


  160.  #160Indigo on September 24, 2014 at 10:56 am


    Hugs to you, be good to you. Get better soon.

  161.  #161ayesha on September 24, 2014 at 11:05 am

    Feel better, Mandy! 🙂 <3 <3 <3

  162.  #162Violette on September 24, 2014 at 11:18 am

    AD wants to make me dinner tonight, at his place of course. I don’t really mind, it’s been almost a month and a half, and I do feel ready to make out on the couch and cuddle and all that stuff we can’t really do in public or in his car. I feel a little nervous but I want to.

    However he’s a 30mn train ride away, and now for the first time he’s asking me to take the train to him. He also said he would pick me up if he preferred, but this is the 4th time or so he’s hinted at me taking the train.

    It’s not a terrible train, I’ve taken it before, I just don’t like the feeling of it, and I don’t want to spend the money. I want him to pick me up. And I don’t want to be a bully about it or boss him around, and I don’t want to clam up and go along with things and end up resentful that I did things his way.

    And I don’t want to show up at his place all stressed from the commute.

    How do I ask for what I want? I feel afraid of being a brat. I feel afraid I am unfair. I feel afraid he will pretend it’s fine but secretly be mad. I feel afraid the honeymoon phase is ending and it will be all downhill from here, here comes the lazy boyfriend. I feel disappointed.

    I want to stay home tonight and be alone.

    Not really, I want to spend the evening in his arms.

    But right now I don’t know what to do.

  163.  #163Violette on September 24, 2014 at 11:20 am

    I guess I don’t want to take responsibility, for what I want.

  164.  #164Violette on September 24, 2014 at 11:24 am

    I feel disappointed he’s not the Prince Charming I wanted him to be, and also relieved that he’s finally showing me his true stuff.

    This is part of why I have liked bad boys sometimes, they put their flaws out there, so it doesn’t have to be a surprise later.

  165.  #165Violette on September 24, 2014 at 11:24 am

    I know this is striking a nerve, I know this is all about me.

  166.  #166Violette on September 24, 2014 at 11:26 am

    I know I’m taking it personally and I don’t have to.

  167.  #167Violette on September 24, 2014 at 11:27 am

    And I’m giving my power away, and I don’t have to.

  168.  #168ayesha on September 24, 2014 at 11:29 am

    Hi Violette,

    I really liked this comment
    “I feel disappointed he’s not the Prince Charming I wanted him to be”.

    I’ve felt disappointed with men in a similar way before. Sometimes when I feel that way I think for me it’s about wanting to be taken care of, almost parented in a way that I wasn’t. Not wanting to take responsibility, as you say. It seems like he’s really interested in you – wants you in his house, wants to cook for you!!! omg that is huge in my book. Love it when a guy cooks for me. i love food and i love guys and food + guys = yes please 🙂

    could you do something for yourself to make the train ride better? take a book, listen to a podcast, smile at people on the train, feel love for them, feel their love? just some thoughts 🙂

  169.  #169Violette on September 24, 2014 at 11:29 am

    I don’t need him to do anything, I don’t need him to be anything. I don’t even need him.

  170.  #170Violette on September 24, 2014 at 11:40 am

    The truth is, it makes me feel mad when men elect to date me and they live far away and then they want me to go far away to see them. They were the ones who asked me out! I really hate that. I’d rather he come to me and I cook!

    I am not taking that train. Every time I’ve gone out of my way to go to a man’s house I’ve regretted it.

    How do I express this to him? I feel really nervous about it.

    Also I need more time…more time before things get that casual for me…

  171.  #171Violette on September 24, 2014 at 11:45 am

    Just as an experiment, if I just said to him right now what I really want, it would go:

    I feel so excited to see you and find it so adorable you want to cook for me, and the truth is I feel a little funny about taking the train, nervous or something, and I’m free around 6 or 7…but feeling unsure about how to plan it…what do you think?

  172.  #172teresa on September 24, 2014 at 11:49 am


    It would be difficult for me to advise you as I was in the same situation. Lookingwisely never once in the 2 years I dated him came to my home…..I always went to his. So do what is right for you. I regret always going to him now and understand more that our relationship could have been imaginery on my part.

  173.  #173Femininewoman on September 24, 2014 at 11:57 am

    RE 170 Violette that is the reason you set boundaries for yourself. There really is no need to be mad. If someoen is inviting you to come to their town which is far away then you get to share with them what you choose to do.

  174.  #174Violette on September 24, 2014 at 12:19 pm

    Heck, I’m just going to ask him to pick me up.

  175.  #175Dominique on September 24, 2014 at 12:25 pm

    Violette – How about something like this –

    – I feel so excited to see you, and find it so adorable/lovely/wonderful you want to cook for me, yet I feel nervous being on the train alone….

    And from there you can go this way – … what can we do here? Can you help me with this?

    Or you could go this way as an option – …it would feel SO nice having a meal cooked for me in my home. What do you think?


  176.  #176Violette on September 24, 2014 at 12:32 pm

    Thank you Dominique, and to the other comments.

    I would have done better to write your words but I wrote a clumsier version where I just asked him to pick me up, and he just replied:

    Of course I can pick you up, more time to spend with you , I can’t wait I really miss you.


  177.  #177Azure Blu on September 24, 2014 at 12:46 pm

    What a great thing you did FOR YOU!!!
    Keeping YOU on your pedistal!!!

    and how lovely his reply was!!!

    A great reminder for me to ask for what I want!!!

  178.  #178Sophie on September 24, 2014 at 2:32 pm

    Nearly able to get back to posting. So many things to comment on and congratulate. I’ve been flat out preparing for my move tomorrow, loving my house, feeling reborn. B has left me alone and Young CD (a lover from five years ago) has been visiting me for some much needed passion – YES! So I have managed to relieve myself of 9 months of stress and misery AND practice tools with him that I didn’t have five years ago and do a lot of processing around when I’m feeling attaching or leany forward and keeping an eye on the oxytocin and allowing to him to give to me. Very interesting. Very fun. Tomorrow is moving day and all the emotions shall change again. I have never liked saying goodbye to young CD but I always manage it 🙂 x LOTS OF LOVE TO EVERYONE xxxx

  179.  #179Azure Blu on September 24, 2014 at 3:46 pm

    Sophie… You sound Fabulous!!!

    Good luck with your move darlin!!!

  180.  #180Tereana on September 24, 2014 at 5:48 pm

    Hello, Sirens!

    I’ve having this mad urge to just check in on the blog lately. So of course I come back, and I see Rori’s post, with that quote, and I’m thinking, hm, maybe part of me still needs someone to tell me I’m ok to be in a relationship, that I can stop “working” so hard, and just reinforce that message. I’m not sure all of me has gotten the memo yet. Still being a pleaser, at times.

    And Linda – those lyrics in #45. Wow! They got me all misty-eyed, too. That is EXACTLY what I want (need, actually).

    ~ Tereana/TMizz/Tiffany

  181.  #181Tereana on September 24, 2014 at 6:04 pm

    The main thing I wanted to come back and write about, actually, was a story. I have a friend who is about 10 years younger than me. She’s in her early 20’s, I’m in my mid-30’s.

    So my friend came to my town and actually asked to spend the night with me, because she had a date and didn’t want to be tempted to go home with him (good move). And it just so happened that I had a date that night as well, at exactly the same time! So we went on our respective dates, and then met up and came back to my place. Here’s what I noticed:

    Her: Totally freaking out about whether or not this guy liked her. Checking her phone about every five seconds (or less) to see if he’d texted to say he’d had a good time, or whatever. Freaking out that he hadn’t texted.

    Me: I had a sweet date. I stayed leaned back. We had dinner, dessert, we took a walk. Before we headed to the subway to meet my friend, I stopped him, and we kissed. It was a really nice kiss. Then I said good-bye to him in the subway, and just paid attention to my friend. When I got home, I had a really nice message from him, thanking me for the date. He later followed up with me. He wanted to see me the next weekend, but it didn’t work out – he was traveling. And this past weekend, we had a second date.

    So, the difference here, the takeaway, is just in the response. I was telling my friend all these Rori-type things, about letting the man be the man and reach out to her first. But she couldn’t hear it. In the morning, my broke down and texted him. She got maybe a one-word answer. Then she followed up with suggestions of skyping, etc. No answer. Then she of course felt angry and dismissed him.

    Now, in my case, between dates one and two, I could feel my interest in the man waning. And I don’t really even know why. If I had to examine, I might say that actually *he* was overly cerebral in the conversation. Like just very brainy, with less emotion, or experience in it. Mostly facts. I guess that is a good mirror, to see what that looks like, and how it’s not exactly a turn-off, it’s just not really a turn-ON.

    I nearly called off our second date. But I didn’t. I went. And I had a really nice time. But it wasn’t successful. At the end of it, he started telling me that he “needed time.” What? I mean, I guess that means he needs time. And I told him, “Ok, take all the time you need.”

    But then, as I really thought about it, I realized I felt like I was giving up my power. Like I was letting it all be about his decision to “choose” me or choose what he wanted to do. Which is great. He should have that. But I wasn’t honestly feeling like choosing him, is I guess what I realized. And it felt disingenuous to say, “Oh, sure, we can date casually,” and to know in my heart that that would be “settling” for me, and it would be cheating him out of my best, if I wasn’t totally into it.

    So I figured, hey, my intuition was right. I had a feeling that he wasn’t the right guy for me. And it turns out he isn’t. But not for any bad reason. And it’s all ok. And now that I’ve said my piece honestly, I feel clear about it.

    And not like I’m doing this all perfectly. If I were doing things perfectly, I’d probably have the relationship of my dreams right now, I’d be vulnerable, and honest, and speak my mind in a kind way, not a triggered way. I’d be able to have those hard conversations, as well as the fun, playful times. It would be dynamic. It would be intense, but relaxed at the same time. I can feel it now. All these images are coming to my mind.

    He wasn’t it. And that’s ok!

    But the juxtaposition is what struck me. Watching my friend go through her mental agony and anguish over this guy. And I told her, “Hey, it’s not like he’s the savior of the world.” Which made her laugh. And she’s young. She has time to get more experience. But it made me realize how much my experience has changed my dating style over the years….

  182.  #182Tereana on September 24, 2014 at 6:11 pm

    One other weird thing came up: at the end of the second date (which was brunch), he asked if I “wanted to go dutch.” I paused, and then asked him if it was a date or not a date, and what did he want to do? He then offered to pay.

    But I have to say, even thinking about it now, I feel weird about it. I felt like the message from him was, “Let’s just be friends.” And that might not have been it. Or I’m worrying, “Does he think I can’t pay?” I could have, technically. I didn’t want to. If I was going to pay, I would have picked somewhere cheaper. At the same time, I don’t want him to think I “expected it” or would be taking advantage of him. I did think about the potential cost ahead of time. But I really didn’t want to pay. Now I feel kind of like I wasted his time and money. But oh well. He got to spend time with me. So, I guess that’s why he paid for brunch ; )

  183.  #183Natalina on September 24, 2014 at 7:42 pm

    182: Tereana

    yep, I get that- and you did brilliantly with what you even said. though I dont blame you at all for still wanting to iron out the whole … “what in the world was THAT all about…” and closing down a bit-

    what I am hearing is really WANTING more of that connection, that straightforward piece so you could have cracked that open more by saying something like:

    “wow, oh… I really feel weird about paying and I dont mind where we go out if money is an issue- is there something I should know?”

    if the whole JUST FRIENDS thing comes up, then you will know and can decide if you want to be more than friends with this guy to cut him loose.


  184.  #184Liquid Light on September 24, 2014 at 9:27 pm

    Couple updates…

    I haven’t heard back from LHM, he’s literally gone MIA and didn’t call me when he said he would last week. And in fact, haven’t heard back anything from him. Its a bit disappointing but not that surprising since he’s so recently separated. Playing with fire and I got burned 🙁

    Then there’s DK. I took a chance and contacted him. I met him over the summer in a group situation and was totally nervous around him and could hardly interact with him. I figured I run into him again but haven’t. So I reached out to him yesterday and sent him an email. I know big no- no, but surprise, he got back to me pretty quickly. He wanted me to send him pics and bio which I did 😉

    Then he sent me back some very cute pics (he’s very attractive) of him doing things like flying a plane, and rescuing puppies (for real, not making that up ;), gym shot, etc. And said he was busy until mid-Oct and that we could try to get together then. I felt like he was kinda blowing me off and felt sort of bad but then he did send the photos of him doing impressive things so now I wonder….Do you think he’s brushing me off or not, ladies?

  185.  #185Natalina on September 24, 2014 at 9:57 pm

    Liquid Light-

    I don’t think you did anything wrong by sending that email – we all get lucky sometimes- it just comes down to if you want to be that girl who experiments with sending the mail or otherwise

    And then you ask “is he blowing you off?” And my first response thought is that it really doesn’t matter what is going on in his head- if he is contacting you or whether he is not contacting you is all that is important for what is going on with him- you business is in how will you respond to whatever he is giving you (email/text/phone all etc)


  186.  #186Azure Blu on September 24, 2014 at 11:45 pm

    Ohhhh Lovely Siren Welcome back!!!
    So lovely to read your sharing words…

    #181… Isn’t it nice to see how far we’ve come…
    How magical the tools work…
    very interesting how your friend went right into chase mode…

    I believe Rori says we DON’T have to get it all perfect…
    Who CAN get it alll perfect?
    All we can do is perfectly LOVE US in our humanly imperfect (which IS perfect) way.
    Keep practicing and staying on OUR horse…

  187.  #187Azure Blu on September 24, 2014 at 11:52 pm

    ((((LL)))) #184
    I feel disappointed for you, that LHM disappeared sooo fast!!
    He came on sooo strong…
    He was free therapy and good practice

    Keep loving you…

  188.  #188Liquid Light on September 25, 2014 at 7:55 am

    Thanks azure …it’s ok better to happen sooner rather than later when I would be more invested. It really made me nervous to date someone in a situation like that so it’s not that surprising that he was all over the place I guess.

  189.  #189Liquid Light on September 25, 2014 at 8:01 am

    Natalia, it just seemed like mixed messages? But the fact that he sent me all the great photos made me think huh I think he’s trying to impress me which is nice. I guess we shall see what unfolds. But I was just wondering if other women have experienced this type of thing – being put off for 2 or 3 weeks seems like a lot – and if it’s really code for thanks but I’m not interested…I tend to be not that good at reading between the lines …:(

  190.  #190Natalina on September 25, 2014 at 8:30 am

    Liquid Light-

    I hate getting mixed messages too, I so hear that and this would be my advice to you- keep your self busy else where so you are not giving off the vibe of waiting around. Actively put together a circular dating plan, and beef that up.

    He might have sent those pictures to impress you- he may have sent them just because it felt good to send them…. Men seem hard wired for doing what feels good, where we seem to want to analyze it to death before acting etc..

    If it were me and a guy was only contacting me once a month- I know I would want more-

    So you can flat out tell him you are a girl that intends to have “xyz” type of contact in order to be IN relationship

    Or just accept him as he is when he comes around- if he keeps up that pattern of not showing up though- I expect you will have already moved on and filled your life and schedule with men that consistently and regularly asking for you to spend time with them-instead of admire them and praise them for how cool they are looking…

    What does your ideal relationship look like?

    How does your ideal man treat you ?


  191.  #191Tereana on September 25, 2014 at 8:05 pm

    Natalina – Thanks! And HI! 🙂 Nice to “meet” you.

    I actually deleted one sentence from that post – he can totally pay for me. He makes plenty of money. Not ostentatiously, but I guess that depends on your definition. He once went shopping for shirts (at a not-so-cheap store) because he had no clean shirts, and they were all at the dry-cleaners. He’s not hurting for cash. And I didn’t want to seem like a free-loader. It just all of a sudden felt weird that he asked. I wasn’t expecting it.

    But you know what? It’s all ok. I’ve already “nexted” him, and decided that my intuition was telling me the right thing – he’s not my guy. And so therefore I don’t need to have all the answers..

    And Azure Blu, thank you so much for your comments as well! Sweet, spot-on, and brilliant as always. : )

    xoxoxxo! <3

  192.  #192Liquid Light on September 25, 2014 at 9:47 pm

    Natalina: I think regarding DK that i won’t expect to hear from him and if I do, it will be a pleasant surprise! 🙂 Thanks Natalina!

  193.  #193Nicole on September 30, 2014 at 10:39 pm

    Hey everyone, Rori

    So this is a little off topic of this blog post but maybe some of you can give some insight. I just got finished reading Rori’s book have the relationship you want. Read it in 2 days and was very intrigued by it. I ended a toxic relationship of 3 years about a year ago. About 4 months ago I finally decided to get back out there and test the waters of dating thru match as I am new to the area I live in and I work a lot.

    I started talking to several guys right off hand went out with one guy which was a total loss of a date. Another guy I talked to for about 2 more weeks and he finally asked for my number and we began texting. After about 1 month of chatting and getting to know one another he asked me out and we had a great time. We went out on about 6-7 dates each time finding out we had a lot in common, a lot of the same interest and both after leaving saying we had a lot of fun and wanted to see each other again. There was a physical and sexual attraction there as well. I was seeing about 3 guys and decided that he was the one I liked the most and could have something with.

    He surprised me one day by coming to see me when he knew I wasn’t feeling well and then planned a day of hiking in a nearby park because he knew it was something we both enjoyed. We Hung out several times after that and then he was making all these plans of where he wanted to take me. He had some work things to come up the next week so we didn’t really talk much and then the other night he told me it wasn’t going to work because there just wasn’t a connection. I was nearby and asked if I could come talk to him about it because I got upset and he wasn’t happy that I came there to talk but I went into let’s try to fix this mode

    He said he was trying to force it because he did have fun with me and did like me but didn’t feel the connection he hoped for. This weekend he is going out of town on a trip with his friends but when he gets back we are supposed to go see a movie together. Since we have such a good time together and so much in common what can I do to make him feel that connection with me? We have been seeing each other a couple months and I would like to give things a little more time.

    After reading you ebook I know it says to use feelings and stuff but where he has already pulled away what can I do at this point? Any advice at this point will be greatly appreciated. He is a good guy and I felt comfortable around him. He made me feel safe and appreciated so that’s why I would like to try to do something.

    Thanks all!!