Soft Feelings

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scroll-heartHi – just a very quick post to thank you all – to say how absolutely lovely the energy is on here. Can you feel it?

Everything’s soft and deep – and it’s so relaxing to read through the comments – it’s like every comment of yours is a gem – so helpful – peaceful, even.

I can feel the insights and the dedication to yourselves and each other and to getting what you want, and especially the support and love. Love to you all, Rori

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160 Comments

  1.  #1DocK on June 16, 2009 at 11:32 am

    Thank you, Rori. I had been feeling self conscious and wondering if I should just not post anymore. I feel clumsy at times, trying to choose words. I feel self-centered when I try to use girl voice rather than boy voice because it seems like I am putting focus on myself and my story rather than the person to whom I am trying to respond. I wonder if others sometimes feel clumsy and self-conscious but the women sound so self-assured and wise.

    I love my clumsiness and self-consciosness because I can feel my effort and know that I care. I feel happier now reading your message. I still want to do better in responding, my perfectionist, male side, jumping up and down. He is funny. I swat him on the head and laugh.



  2.  #2Mercedes on June 16, 2009 at 12:26 pm

    DocK: I know how you feel. I don’t feel clumsy so much but really, really frustrated trying to choose words that are authentic and “me” and yet respect what Rori is teaching us. I fail miserably at feeling messages (here and in general…unless I really need my man to hear me out and really, fully understand what I’m trying to say…then I ROCK at them)…but…choosing words that aren’t feelings and yet still getting to post what I need to say…yeah…that can be frustrating.

    Can I bonk your male side on the head too? Mine doesn’t like it and he comes after me throwing thoughts and opinions… ๐Ÿ™‚

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  3.  #3DocK on June 16, 2009 at 12:28 pm

    Bonk away!! : )



  4.  #4Mercedes on June 16, 2009 at 12:30 pm

    YAY4ME!! ๐Ÿ™‚ This is gonna be so much fun!



  5.  #5Daria on June 16, 2009 at 2:51 pm

    I feel furious! I feel so fuckin furious furious furious. i feel like my lips and face are taped into a fury face… i feeel angry

    I fuckin want to cuss fuckin fucck fuck fuck… I feel mad…

    I feel so disappointed at not getting this job…

    I feel validated in being a loser… i feel so angry at my parents saying i dont do shit… i feel rageful… i feel unappreciated… i feel angry angry angry angry angry… i love my anger and that feels like sinking and sadness…

    i feel sad i feel sad i feel sad… i feel blah icky and helpless…

    i feel its unfair to ask me to make money when everyone knows it impossible to do so… i guess i have some weird beliefs about money that arent shifting…

    im probably gonna die here with everyone else …

    well duh everyone dies…

    i feel so tired of being told i should be ashamed and that im not doing shit…
    it feels very difficult to hold a fun vibe or feel good when ur told all the time that you dont deserve to go out, or eat food or whatever
    because u dont do SHIt

    u dont do shit and you arent shit and thats just htat

    you should do some shit whatever shit that is i dont know… but u should do it… and nobody gives a fuck if u feel good about it or like it or not or whatever.. just do some fuckin shit and make it look good

    what the fuck are you still here for

    do some shit dammit

    what u dont know what shit ]to do?

    what the fuck
    do i]t now

    do it do it do it

    I feel absolutley stuck frozen not knowing what shit to do.., i feel stuck and traumatized and i remember this feeling…
    urgh

    I feel angry

    i feel sad

    i feel small and numb

    yay numbness
    thank u

    i feel better

    i love my numbness that protects me from vicious attacks from ppl that love me

    i feel angry at love

    wat the fuck the people that love me attack me the most

    egh

    i feel unmoved

    i feel tense and unmoved… i am holding on to my whatever feeling this is in my shoulders and lips and i love it… i love the ducklips feeling even tho i feel like a retard with duck lips… i feel guilty using the word retard i hope no one is offended because i dont mean it in a bad way… this is my nv talking…
    urg

    i feel tingly in my head and intense… i love my intense feeling and that feels gross to say… and now i huhuhuffed

    i love my huhuhuffing…

    i love my rage

    i love my stuckness

    i love my tense feeling

    i love all of me and feel really angry

    dont u wish we could die and go somew]here where there wasnt so much struggle just to get some fuckin money which is bullshit anyway… i feel so mad… wat the fuck i feel mad i feel mad i feel mad

    i feel mad and that feels like pinching under my eye and holding in my teeth

    i wonder what im holding in my teeth… maybe i was a feline in anotehr life like a panther or something.. i fuckin would be a panther that couldnt hunt or some bullshit

    cuz i am a loser

    i feel so angry

    i love the part of me that thinks shes a loser and i feel gross… thank u

    i dont feel all like hugging me right now

    i feel all tense and feel like thats appropriate

    i love my tenseness

    i Do want to feel good

    that would feel like getting flown to kansas and following the yellow brick road

    that would feel like

    urgggh
    telling my parents to shut the fuck up

    that would feel like getting lots of money without struggling and saying i told u so

    i don’t feel like laughing

    i feel like being pist right now i guess

    i love my pistness and my resistance to letting go of this anger
    thanks



  6.  #6Daria on June 16, 2009 at 4:23 pm

    I’m feeling kind of validated by failing and by being treated badly by my parents.

    I feel like… see I struggled and I told you so I can’t do it.

    Then as far as them I feel like, they are treating me bad, therefore I must be good…

    So i’m getting secondary benefits of being 1. Right and 2. Good.

    Gee willikers…

    too bad I can’t use this

    (see I’m right)



  7.  #7Tola on June 16, 2009 at 4:43 pm

    I believe in you. you are a godess! keep it up. Sometimes we save the best for last !



  8.  #8Tola on June 16, 2009 at 4:46 pm

    Sorry, that was for Daria. I only read these posts sicne I am not good at writing, but wanted to lend my encouragement . I feel sad you are furious.



  9.  #9Ann on June 16, 2009 at 6:21 pm

    Thank you Rori this post feels soft and gooey.

    Daria “HUGS”

    I picked up a quote out of my “Simple Abundance book I love: I am what I am and what I am is wonderful.



  10.  #10Linmayu on June 16, 2009 at 7:03 pm

    Oh Daria. Thanks for articulating what I’m feeling. Yeah. I often feel frozen in judgment because I feel like I don’t deserve to go out or eat food or wear pretty clothes because I’m not making a lot of money and I live at home. I feel the judgment every time I buy groceries or go out to eat and it feels awful and stuck.

    As to this post, I feel shamed. I feel inadequate. I feel like I just don’t get it and like something is missing from me as a woman. And I want so badly to be understood and I feel like I have to be smart and intellectual and my masculine side is telling me to shut up because I don’t make any sense. I feel so much resistance to being soft. I feel weak and unprotected., and jealous of everyone who’s doing it right.



  11.  #11Ann on June 16, 2009 at 7:09 pm

    I feel ALL the ladies on this blog are soft and authenic. How much more authenic and soft can we get when were bear ALL our feelings here? The good ones, the not so good ones and everything in between.

    “Look at wonder at that which is before you.”



  12.  #12searchingwithin on June 16, 2009 at 7:24 pm

    Rori,

    I have followed your emails for several years, always saving them for later review, because they have always spoke to me, even in those times when I did not always understand why.

    For those of us that truly seek answers to the question of why, and most importantly HOW…

    You are the Lighthouse in the mist of the fog for that lost sailor that has lost their way, and is desperately searching to be saved from the depths of the darkness, blindness.



  13.  #13Chanel on June 16, 2009 at 9:27 pm

    I’m feeling thankful again today. I’m in the middle of a divorce, things are rough, I’m quite lonely and money is tight, but my little girl had a good day and I think things will be ok.

    My friend introduced me to a swedish band I’d never heard of.

    I feel thankful for beautiful music, for love, for the support of my family and friends, for the kindness of others.

    I share this with you and hope you’ll enjoy it too:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VrjwqXwyzNU

    <3



  14.  #14Linmayu on June 16, 2009 at 10:05 pm

    Rori, I hope it’s okay to post this here–if it is not, please feel free to delete.

    This delicious post on the softness of our emotional, feminine energy has inspired me to mention an event I’m helping to create here in the Chicago area, called The Gift. This is an event where a woman can experience the whole process of sinking into her deepest feelings and coming out, strong and whole and gorgeous, on the other side–on an epic scale. The first time I attended, I came out looking physically different–completely lit up with radiant feminine energy–it was absolutely fucking amazing. This work has the potential to completely transform relationships, if one arrives with that intent. (I actually wouldn’t have found Rori unless I had done it–but that’s a story for another day.)

    More details can be found by clicking through to my blog, the most recent post. I feel really excited about what’s going to happen in August…



  15.  #15Tina on June 16, 2009 at 10:53 pm

    I’m feeling confused again. What is a soft feeling?. Is anger a soft feeling?. Does feeling a feeling, like anger for example , make anger a soft feeling, by just allowing myself to feel anger. My ex messaged me on msn this morning , I don’t usually search him out to make contact, I don’t feel I need to talk to him. His message popped up. I used this opportunity to use my “feelings messages.” I used my feelings message of ” I feel bullied” I feel uncomfortable” ” I feel worthless” these are not good feelings lol. Are these soft feelings?. We talked about divorce, I got the impression he wanted me to pay lol. After we talked some, he said he would file in July Yippee!. I feel so happy about this. I also felt he wanted to know if I had any “feelings” for him. The only feelings I felt at the time of chatting with him are my feelings I mentioned above. He said we could be “friends” I said I don’t feel I needed his friendship and I would feel awkward and uncomfortable “trying” to be his friend. His idea of standing up for himself is throwing insults at me and just being a plain old bully. He tried to bully me into promising him that we would have a “clean divorce” he said he didn’t want it to become a circus. I could feel an argument coming up but I refused to go there with him. I just kept to my feelings messages. Doing just alone helps me a great deal, for that I am thankful to all of you. I read your stories, i laugh/smile, feel angry for reading about some of those dipshits (boyfriends/men)lol. You all do help me,



  16.  #16Tina on June 16, 2009 at 11:16 pm

    Linmayu,

    I was reading your blog about your boyfriends facial hair situation. The blog triggered my feelings of jealousy. He somehow valued her opinion about what she feels is attractive about/for him. That would have drove me nuts lol . I feel jealous rage, I feel to scratch her eyes out lol. The thing is I know better now or at least I have some tools to help me with my feelings of jealousy/insecurity.



  17.  #17Nikita on June 16, 2009 at 11:19 pm

    I feel my butt is less soft after walking while leaning back for a few weeks. I feel good with my not as soft butt. My belly feels soft when I eat pizza ๐Ÿ™‚ I feel full and soft in my belly.



  18.  #18Aggy on June 17, 2009 at 4:16 am

    I have a cold today, one of my boyfriends calls
    and he’s not able to tell from my voice that am sick, this feels very bad, how could he?
    so after some few minutes another b/f calls
    me: hello good morning
    him: are you having a cold?
    mmhh that’s how I like it! feels very good
    I want my man to know about me soo much that he can tell from my voice whether am fine or not
    that makes me feel valued, recognised

    the man that I realy love can stay even for a whole week without calling I feel bad about this, I mentioned it to him about two times but no change, only once when I refused to go see him he managed to call everyday for a week
    after that his normal self is back
    kindly advise me on how to go about this, coz I do love him
    a big thank you to all
    I love you



  19.  #19Tracy on June 17, 2009 at 6:24 am

    I Just went through a really bad state of icky feelings and i was feeling such great loss from inside and angry and frustrated……whenever i get this way i feel so anxious and i want to just move…so i decided to take a walk and let the feelings just flow through…..I tried to understand and embrace them and now i feel much better….and better still i happened to bump to my sister and we made a date to go swimming….I feel so much better and i feel more relieved that i am learning to take care of myself and bringing myself to much better feelings instead of calling a guy or beating myself down…..It feels great….i feel sad but i embrace my sadness and my fears and my loneliness and i don’t feel so scared about feeling bad because i feel secure that i can deal with it and i love myself enough to take care of me and make me happy!……..
    I have a date today and i feel happy and intend to have a great time and enjoy myself….



  20.  #20Mercedes on June 17, 2009 at 6:53 am

    Tina: I think you saw the facial hair situation on my blog…not linmayu’s. I feel very lucky to have someone who cares about what I think. I want him to be attracted to me too, so it goes both ways I guess…

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  21.  #21DocK on June 17, 2009 at 7:32 am

    Linmayu – “the Gift” feels wonderful – a way for women to explore within.

    Daria – thank you for your riff, I am practicing this in my journaling but still feel insecure about sharing it. I feel what you are going through, difficult.

    I adore my father but he has sent me tapes of him speaking to me about choices I have made and trying to give guidance and they felt hurtful rather than helpful. I bless him and love him because I know the intention behind them and that he comes from a place of lack consciousness and mistrust of the world (gee, wonder where I got THAT from…)

    It has taken me a long time to turn that around and I still struggle. There are times I feel only judgment of myself (I think his voice in me) and, no matter how far I have come – that it still isn’t far enough.

    I feel I am and all of us are in alignment with our purpose just by being part of this community – it readies us for the right opportunity in all relationships (men, career, prosperity, home, etc.).



  22.  #22dark horse on June 17, 2009 at 8:38 am

    I have not posted here before but have been reading for many months. My man told me I was different from other women, that I am really soft on the outside but strong. I smiled to myself – only because of reading Rori! We still have many issues but it makes me feel good that he said that. I can feel it from him that it feels good to him too.



  23.  #23Linmayu on June 17, 2009 at 8:47 am

    Whoa, I have a boyfriend? And he has facial hair? Tell me more! ๐Ÿ˜‰



  24.  #24Linmayu on June 17, 2009 at 8:47 am

    I feel amused and honored to have been confused with Mercedes.



  25.  #25Mercedes on June 17, 2009 at 9:35 am

    I like being confused with you too Linmayu! ๐Ÿ˜‰



  26.  #26Katja on June 17, 2009 at 9:46 am

    Hi ladies!

    Mh…there is something I wonder about. After the sudden loss of my man I have much contact with his friends and his brother. Now it turned out that his brother,who is in a relationship since about two years,is cheating on his girlfriend permanently by having sex with random girls. What would you do – tell her? If I were she I would like to know if my guy cheats on me but I can’t tell if she is like me. And it turned out that another friend of my man,who is also in a relationship since three years and lives together with his girlfriend,is cheating on her also. I know this girl,too,but I wonder if I should tell her. The guys are open about their cheating in my presence,but they claim they can tell apart sex and love. I feel that if they loved their girlfriends they had no need to sleep with other girls. Is there anything I don’t understand about men??? I don’t get how they can be in long relationships and claim they love their girlfriends and at the same time go out and (sorry for this word) f**k another girl. And I wonder if I should tell their girlfriends. And I wonder if my guy was cheating on me,too. I mean…with friends and even a brother like that who see it as permitted for them as guys to sleep around even with a girlfriend they “love”… The guys I mentioned claim that my man was faithful and never cheated on me,but how will I know? It doesn’t change anything,though,if he did. But I would feel lied to. And – another question – are there even guys out there who don’t think about this subject of cheating like that? Those guys I mentioned don’t allow their girlfriends to go out with male friends but they think they are allowed to do everything they want. Isn’t that absolutely immature??? Watching those boys doing what they are doing makes me sick…the girlfriends are sitting at home,waiting for their guys and the guys are acting as if everything is wonderful and at the same time they cheat on them…

    What is going on there?

    Katja



  27.  #27Chanel on June 17, 2009 at 9:48 am

    Dock,

    “It has taken me a long time to turn that around and I still struggle. There are times I feel only judgment of myself (I think his voice in me) and, no matter how far I have come – that it still isnโ€™t far enough.”

    I’m right there with you!

    My dad loves me very much and he never cuts me down directly but cuts down everything/everyone I like. This has lead me to not valule the things I like (for example I hide the books I like and put more intellectual books up on display on my bookshelves, lol!), in the long run it lead me to create a life absolutely void of doing anything that I like (picked the wrong major/wrong job/wrong kind of friends, stopped dancing, playing music, etc.) and I constantly mistrust my own judgement. I am constantly trying to improve myself instead of doing stuff that I enjoy and it’s exhausting, lol!

    I’m just discovering all this about myself.

    This divorce has led my dad to finally lash out at me directly and tell me he was completely disappointed with me and what I was doing with my life.

    So this is just a note to say, I’m in there with you, doing the same kind of work…



  28.  #28Chanel on June 17, 2009 at 9:54 am

    Hi Katja,

    Your friend needs to know what’s going on because she may not be aware that she is at risk of catching STDs from her partner.

    A friend of mine got on the pill because her boyfriend asked her to be sexually exclusive with him. They stopped using condoms and she thought she was safe. He gave her chlamydia… thank goodness it wasn’t HIV!

    If you don’t feel comfortable doing it, send her an anonymous letter.



  29.  #29Mercedes on June 17, 2009 at 9:56 am

    Katja: I hope Rori answers the question about whether or not to tell someone when you know this is going on…I don’t have the answer to that, but I do know that if it were happening to me I’d want to know. I also know that I would be humiliated and furious if another woman I’m friends with knew and didn’t tell me. That being said, it’s a sensitive subject and I don’t know if we’re “supposed” to tell.

    These men don’t love their girlfriends though. They say they do, but saying it and meaning it are two very, very different things. That’s not love.

    As far as your love goes, if you have no reason to believe he wasn’t cheating…then he wasn’t. By doubting and wondering now, you’ll only hurt yourself. You know in your heart what you had. You know what existed. Cheating is a very personal thing and just because he friends were doing it, doesn’t mean he was. I don’t think guys cheat because “everyone else is”…so…please don’t consume yourself with thoughts of that when there is no reason to believe it.

    Rori: Can you help with the “do we tell or not?” question? I’d love to hear your thoughts on it.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  30.  #30Tina on June 17, 2009 at 10:39 am

    lol so who has the bf with facial hair lol. I read that wronge. oops lol



  31.  #31Linmayu on June 17, 2009 at 11:48 am

    Chanel, I feel a resonance with what you’ve said. I also have a father who loves me very much, but cuts down everything and everyone I like, and has done so since I was a child. Actually my stepfather did it too and so does my mom’s current man.

    It feels hopeless. It feels like being completely alone, never accepted, never understood. It feels like judgment, constant judgment, and constant fear. And these are all good men who care about me and don’t want to hurt me. My father has backed off doing that in recent years, but the memory still hurts. It feels like I’m never, ever going to be good enough to meet with approval from a man. It feels like I’m never going to be good enough to receive love or gentle treatment. It feels dark and hopeless.

    I want to feel like no one can ever STOP me from receiving love and approval and wonderful treatment for being who I am. After all, God/dess made me who I am, with the quirks and desires I have, and s/he did not make me someone else. I want to feel that Divine approval and love in every cell of my being. I have felt that before. It felt like complete, blissful ecstasy, like jumping around like an idiot and not caring who saw me. It felt like a celebration. It felt like no fear whatsoever, just this indescribably soft and gentle peace. Oh wow, now the peace is slowly seeping into my body through my spine…I love the feeling of it, and how it heats up all the places where I’m resisting it…and my shoulders are warming up and fighting the urge to relax, the back of my neck is warming up and fighting the urge to relax…I could just melt into a puddle of goo on this chair.



  32.  #32Daria on June 17, 2009 at 12:17 pm

    I feel that I would not want to tell the girlfriends unless they were my close friends.

    I did grow up with a bunch of “player” guys as friends, and they cheated and tricked girls all the time. So being their friend I participated in helping them. Kind of like a PUA assistant…

    Now if one of the girls was close friends with me, I would definitely tell her, not otherwise…

    I mean, that would be like someone telling a guy I’m dating… “Oh did you know Daria is Circular Dating”before I brought it up… I would not like that and would see it as them getting into my personal business… although knowing me I would say to the man, well of course I’m Circular Dating, we’re not married…

    or what if they told a guy I’m dating here… oh she had sex with a guy in NY… I mean… like I said that would not feel good to me…

    If you are friends with the guys then I wouldn’t tell the girlfriends.

    As far as guys cheating on the girlfriends at home… this is the model I always saw for gf/bf relationships…

    only now am I starting to open up and see anything more… as in more commitment. A couple years ago I probably wouldn’t have believed it was possible for a man to commit, knowing that all the guys I knew cheated on their girls regularly. (except for one, my Godbrother, who I thought was amazing just for that… but he didn’t get a job and my Godsister kicked him out… )



  33.  #33Tina on June 17, 2009 at 12:24 pm

    Mercedes

    I just feel triggered by your post about facial hair, not the facial hair -its his hair lol – just my feelings of jealousy. My feelings of jealousy is not an indication of how much I love him or he loves me, it;s just a feeling. Roris tool “I feel jealous, it feels awful yah I can feel.” I have other tools to help me through this feeling.

    My man is very attractive – its relative i suppose. I didnt find him that attractive when I first met him so , who knows lol. He kinda grew on me. I dont want to blow my own horn here but i will lol, I am quite a hottie myself. I never felt this about myself growing up. I could not see pass my feelings of shame and guilt. I didnt see myself, I couldnt. This feels funny talking about how beautiful my physical appearance is lol. To even say such a thing is a tabu. No one talks about themselves that way, I certainly feel uncomfortable saying it but hey its the truth lol. I have men following me around all the time, looking with lustful eyes. I feel irritated by this, I feel irritated that I have to find a bathing suit for this summer. I have come to know that I have a rare beauty, striking even. I wear shorts and a t shirt to swim in. I feel to swim alone way from others, then I can swim naked lol. I see other women wearing practically nothing. I can sunbathe in the nude in my backyard but cant wear a skimpy bathing suit lol. I am not a model by no means, just a rare beauty. ๐Ÿ™‚ I havnt found a bathing suit yet lol, I need a wax my uh,,,you know, what are we calling “it” these days lol. anyway, I saw some nice summer shorts I can swim in along with a tankini top so yeah. I do really want to get a sporty looking one piece bathing suit though, just never found on i liked. Ok im rambling now, this has nothing to do with mercedes and my feelings of jealousy.



  34.  #34DocK on June 17, 2009 at 12:29 pm

    Chanel, I appreciate your acknowledgment of my experience and feel the frustration, hurt you express as well.

    I don’t know what to say about “telling” about the cheating. I know that my mother was very hurt that people knew about my dad having an affair and said nothing – that actually added to the sense of betrayal she felt. Of course, she was in a marriage so somewhat different.

    Even so, I feel there is a difference between circular dating and having an expressed commitment – even if no wedding band. If I felt I was sexually exclusive with a man and found out, I would feel devastated and would be hurt that people that knew about it and knew me let it go on without my knowing.

    I had talked about my Dad’s cheating and forgiving him but, as I had said back then, it wasn’t without consequences for me. I too felt that all men cheated and I used that as an excuse to cheat. My view was, ‘hell no, I’m not waiting around with your slippers and robe while you do whatever, I’ll do it to.’ Not a healthy way to have a relationship. Eventually, I learned that I would never trust if I was not trustworthy myself. I can’t control anyone else, only me. whateverhe does is on him and if I find out, sorry, no conversation or maybe I contributed or whatever (not that I wouldn’t have that self-reflection) but not to excuse him and he would never get the privilege of touching me again. That’s me.

    BUT not all men cheat. The guy I was with for so long (biker) you would think that he might be inclined to cheat being a biker (but not in a club) and having that look and all – but all that knew him would say, nope, he didn’t do that to you.



  35.  #35Mercedes on June 17, 2009 at 12:32 pm

    Tina: I understand where your feelings come from. I get jealous too…

    I hope you find a bathing suit you like… ๐Ÿ™‚ Unless you really like the shorts and tankini…then stick with that. ๐Ÿ™‚



  36.  #36Nikita on June 17, 2009 at 12:57 pm

    Tina
    do like that classic red one piece bathing suit from the Marilyn Monroe fashion era? I feel like drawing it! It’s the halter top thing that almost looks like a mini dress. The bottom half looks like shorts, very concealing and conservative juxtaposed to society’s standards now. So classic and beautiful but still very vavavoom!
    Everytime I see it I want it!!!
    I don’t commit to buying it, I feel very good in a bikini. I tan fast and I feel scared of a one-piece leaving a pale midsection.
    But I love that perfect tomato-red one piece- a la – Norma Jean look. So romantic.

    DocK; cheating? Have you considered using feeling messages with the cheaters. Example; I feel scared that…….( your truth )…….if two people are committed and living together, what do you think? Or I feel protective of women, I feel uncomfortable knowing that, I feel conflicted keeping this secret, I feel disappointed in men?
    It feels scary to me, maybe if we express our feelings to our male friends that behave that way they might have a change of heart?



  37.  #37Cassandra on June 17, 2009 at 1:15 pm

    Dock…..Linmayu…Mercedes and everyone else that relates to the clumsy/ self – consciousness…..I feel the same way. I often feel pretty lost in the mix here and disconnected however I also realize that those feelings are coming from ME and no one else doing or saying something or not doing or saying something…I have NEVER in my life felt that I fit in anywhere….ever and that feels sad and lonely to me….deeply sad and deeply lonely to be exact. I feel happy that I could describe those particular feelings in detail just then. Sometimes I feel afraid to post here…wondering if other people think that I post too much or that people would be thinking ‘Why the hell can’t she just get it together and leave that SOB?!!’ I felt giggling inside as I wrote that last part and I still feel that giggly feeling…what is that all about? Tinque…you posted that wonderful post the other day in response to me asking about my ability to determine exactly WHAT IT IS that I am feeling in a given situation and just when I wrote…..’what is that all about?’ it hit me what you meant when you stated that I perhaps am getting too ‘in my head’! Light bulb moment! At least that is what I think you meant. I do try to figure things out like that and you are right….it is in my HEAD. How do I just move that out of my head and back in to what I feel? I feel curious..what the giggly feeling was about….I wonder if it means that there is something there that I need to pay more attention to. Today though I have been extremely productive….I feel totally overwhelmed and anxious…I know part of that is hormonal but I feel so frustrated with the hormonal part…like I lose literally 2 weeks of each month to that kind of overwhelmed…anxious feeling and it feels awful. Something is not right…..I feel out of balance but don’t know how to fix it and that feels like MAJOR frustration….like you are trying to get to a destination but are stuck on a sort of treadmill just taking the same steps over and over …feeling those same overwhelming….anxiety ridden feelings. I feel unheard and unimportant and yucky right now. I hate pms and I find that even before it hits I feel anxious about when it will hit me! ARRRGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!



  38.  #38tinque on June 17, 2009 at 1:26 pm

    “How do I just move that out of my head and back in to what I feel? I feel curious..what the giggly feeling was aboutโ€ฆ.I wonder if it means…”
    There it is Cassandra. You’re back in your head. Giggle back at you. Feel curious; feel giggly. It doesn’t matter where it came from or why. It just is. Enjoy it. Roll in it, Bathe in it. Love it.
    ๐Ÿ˜ฎ xxoo



  39.  #39Chanel on June 17, 2009 at 1:45 pm

    Linmayu, what a great post, I had to read it 3 times! It made me feel great. ๐Ÿ™‚

    WOW!

    It reminds me of a song by the Cure called “Doing the Unstuck”:

    “it’s a perfect day for doing the unstuck
    for dancing like you can’t hear the beat
    and you don’t give a further thought
    to things like feet”



  40.  #40Cassandra on June 17, 2009 at 1:53 pm

    Thanks Tinque!! As soon as I read the part of my post that you included in your to show me which part was ‘in my head’….I got it. I do that a whole lot….why this…why that and I guess getting back into just feeling things is about the ‘who cares what it means…who cares why this or why that or why anything’…just feel it. I feel excited about your post because I feel like I am beginning to ‘get it’…..ok…again…in my head!! ๐Ÿ™‚ This is a big thing for me.

    For my entire life I have been AFRAID to FEEL or at least afraid to allow myself to show anyone else what I was feeling as I have been told throughout my entire life that I was ‘too emotional’…too sensitive….too deep etc and those thinsg were not at all meant in good ways so I programmed myself to either 1) not feel or 2) not allow myself to acknowledge whatever I felt at any given time for fear that I would be judged….put down….degraded….belittled..etc. I feel angry about that…I feel angry that other people whether they are people that I love or not were given the power over me like that….I realize that I gave them the power but what choice do you have as a child? You don’t know antyhing different…you go with what the adults around you tell you is right, to do or not do etc. I feel angry about that. I feel angry that I learned VERY EARLY on to NOT FEEL or NOT SHOW THAT I FEEL anything as that completely changed the course of my emotional well being. I feel angry that I was not allowed to be ME in my total-ness and be loved, accepted for who I am and was created to be. I do feel grateful that I am learing these lessons NOW instead of even later in my life…that feels good even though it does take me alot to’get it’ where feelings are concerned even though I have always known that i do feel things very deeply….it has taken a hell of alot of energy to hide all of that for so long. I feel enraged at that! I so desperately want to get to where I can truly and deeply and in a totally authentic way…..love my emotions totally and unconditionally. I really feel desperate to get there. I honestly don’t feel love for all of my emotions though…..alot of them yes..but all of them? Not even close.

    Linmayu and Daria…i can also totally relate to you both feeling bad about your financial situations or that you live at home. I feel that way too but in a different way in that I am not at home…I am in the home of a man who couldn’t care less whether I live or die and makes it painfully clear that I am NOT wanted in any way shape or form. IT hurts and it feels awful but for me the part that feels so awful is not the part of living here it is the part that I know that i mean less than dirt to him. That is the part that hurts me. I feel deeply proud of both of you. You two have courage that I dream of having…Linmayu …you stepped out of something that was sooooo not good for you….something that was draingin your spirit rather than feeding it and edifying it…that in itself takes massive amounts of courage and Daria…..both of you are taking a moment in time to build your future. Alot of people don’t even do that…they just take one day at a time with no plan or desire for a future filled with LOVE, JOY, PEACE, and GODDESS-NESS…you both are steeping out there to create your future and I feel proud of you both for having that kind of courage. I feel deep appreciation for both you and your journeys. Me? I just feel stuck here as though I walking on that treadmill to no where. I feel that overwhelmed feeling coming rushing back in like a tidal wave of anxiety and it feels icky. I so so want to get to wher I can just FEEL and not THINK about it but just ride it out like a wave feeling every detail of it but I feel lost as though I don’t know how.



  41.  #41Katja on June 17, 2009 at 1:53 pm

    Thank you for your answers!

    I’d really like to know what Rori says about that “cheating problem”.

    I understand that there is no real commitment in these relationships. The brother of my late man is with his girlfriend since about two years. They don’t live together but she has two children from a previous relationship and they see him somehow as their dad because their real dad doesn’t care that much about them. So she sees their relationship as commited. He doesn’t. He even told my man in the past that he doesn’t want to be together with his girlfriend anymore but doesn’t want to leave her because of the kids (who are not even HIS kids!!!). So he thinks its legitimate for him to sleep around and acting as if everything is ok. Some weeks ago he even mentioned thinking about moving in together with her! All while he isn’t really in love with her anymore and while he is having sex with every girl who is willing to have sex with him!!! I mean,what is going on in his mind???? She is talking about their future and having a child with him somewhere in the future and he has no feelings for her. I am sure he likes her. But nothing more. He is acting all the time. I see that. I tried to talk to him about it. He doesn’t see that he does something wrong. She is not a friend of mine. I don’t like her that much. She is ok,but I wouldn’t consider her a friend. I see her occasionally at family meetings but nothing more. The last I heard was that she is jealous because her boyfriend (remember,he is the brother of my boyfriend who died two months ago!!!) spends so much time with his family and me,and because he calls me more than before. I mean,isn’t that normal in this situation? And why is she jealous of me??? I would NEVER EVER get involved with a guy who is in a relationship and btw he is the brother of my late boyfriend! I am still mourning about my loss! I don’t have guys and sex on my mind right now. Thats kind of macabre that she is jealous of me when her guy is fucking “every other girl in the world”! That feels so weird.

    Thats the one story. The other one is about one friend of my late boyfriend. He admitted that he is cheating on his girlfriend (with whom he lives together) but I don’t know anything more. I don’t know how often,if she knows anything,or whats going on. I know this girl a bit,I wouldn’t consider her a friend,but I like her. She is a nice girl. Really a good girl. And she loves this guy. And I don’t doubt that he has feelings for her. I am sure he has. But I wouldn’t say he loves her. I don’t know,I feel so trapped knowing what they are doing to their girls and knowing those girls are really in love and don’t see whats going on. I wouldn’t consider those guys as my friends as I do not believe a friendship between men and women can exist. Ok,I am not sure about this but I believe that if there is a friendship there is always one who wants more than to be friends. But I don’t know. I wouldn’t consider them both my friends,but I know they trust me,otherwise they wouldn’t have told me about their cheating,I guess. But I wouldn’t want friends who lie and treat their girlfriends like that.

    I am still unsure about if my guy was cheating on me in the past. But I feel he didn’t. I always felt loved and I felt a special bond with him. Even when we had a rough time. I know he really loved me and that is all that matters to me. But I’d still like to know it if he cheated on me. And if anyone knows this I would like them to tell me as I am a honest person and I believe it is important to be always honest.



  42.  #42tinque on June 17, 2009 at 1:55 pm

    I just made cucumber and mint salad, both grown in my garden, with basil, also from my garden, infused olive oil and rosemary, garden grown, infused balsamic vinegar. The tomatoes aren’t ready yet, or they would be in there too. Anyone want to come over?
    I have herbs galore to pick and take with, mutant plants, dill four feet tall, oregano three feet tall and much more.
    The tomatoes and peaches aren’t ready yet, but the cukes are, two kinds.



  43.  #43Nikita on June 17, 2009 at 2:02 pm

    Katja!
    my post to DocK was meant for you. I feel frustrated always posting from my I phone!
    DocK, please disregard ๐Ÿ™‚ but I feel jealous of your pole.

    Linmayu,
    I feel angry that you have neglected pointe shoes and I don’t!
    I turned down a ballet scholarship in elementary school and well, I feel like if I had pointe shoes I’d be doing the dishes in them just because they are MY pointe shoes and I love them! I never got the chance to go on pointe! I feel angry angry angry!



  44.  #44Nikita on June 17, 2009 at 2:09 pm

    Tinque!

    I feel like coming over!!! I feel envy. I want an herb garden!!!
    I love that you are dancing again and supporting Linmayu to dance. I love cucumber and mint water. I feel like eating cucumber and mint salad. I feel hungry ๐Ÿ™



  45.  #45tinque on June 17, 2009 at 2:09 pm

    “I learned VERY EARLY on to NOT FEEL”
    Yes, Cassandra, I can so relate to this, for different reasons though. Mine was squashed out of me from emotional neglect, indifference, being used as a pawn, blah, blah, blah. I call it emotional molestation. But that was then and this is now. Being angry only hurts me, no one else, just me. Kind of a waste of my energy and time away from seeking out all the beauty and love that has lived buried deeply within me.
    Feel your anger, but then open up your chest and watch that old stuff waft out of you, float away.
    Sure I still tend to hide my feelings sometimes, from me even or especially, but it has changed and hugely, from even a few short years ago.
    Imagine a gentle summer breeze filled with all your favorite smells. It caresses your skin, your face, your whole body. Breathe it all in. Go for a ride on sweet undulations of sensation.



  46.  #46Nikita on June 17, 2009 at 2:13 pm

    Katja

    I feel that the first girl is in what Rori calls an imaginary relationship. I don’t feel sorry for her because it doesn’t seem like she feels any compassion for you.
    the second girl sounds nicer, but I feel circular dating would be good for her,
    alas, we can lead a girl to water but we can’t make her drink even if she is living in the desert
    Nikita xxx



  47.  #47Katja on June 17, 2009 at 2:26 pm

    Nikita (what a great name!!!),

    I feel like this,too. So I feel really bad to be in this situation of knowing about someone lying and cheating. (I am trying to use feeling messages now ๐Ÿ™‚ ). I feel really awful to be in this place. I feel like talking to those guys again first (especially about that health topic!). I don’t feel like talking to the girlfriend of my “brother-in-law” (I call him like this,even when my man and I were not married). And I don’t feel like talking to the girlfriend of the other guy either. But I feel protecting of her. I don’t feel like being the one to help them ALL to learn their lessons. I am not god. I strongly believe that in every case the truth will always occur. ALWAYS. I believe that with my heart and my soul and everything. And I believe that everyone gets what he or she deserves sooner or later. So I don’t feel responsible for their misbehaviour. I feel bad for those girls,though. But on the other hand-that is what we were all taught…that sexually exclusive means committed,that living together means committed,that being a girlfriend means committed. And in the end-it means nothing,as we can learn from those guys I mentioned. And maybe they are doing this to teach us a lesson,at least they are teaching me the lesson to not be exclusive with anyone until there is a real commitment!!! I DEFINITELY got that now into all of the cells of my body. Still,it feels disgusting to think about those guys having sex with some random girl and then coming home and having sex with their girlfriends. DISGUSTING!!! I feel like throwing up now.



  48.  #48Daria on June 17, 2009 at 2:48 pm

    I feel kind of protective of those guys…

    I mean when I circular date I don’t go tell my other dates, even when I have sex. And maybe some of the guys think we are exclusive on some level.

    I think those 2 guys in this situation are lying because they are expected to… as in they don’t know that being authentic would be better for them in the long run…

    they are not committed (not married right) so they are just Dating these girls that are their girlfriends… the girls are probably wanting more commitment so the guys are giving it to them part way by agreeing to exclusivity while not really wanting that… and so they are dating (sleeping with) other girls…

    I would speak to the guys about it if they were my friend… and speak to them about how being honest feels good and is best… I don’t know if they would necessarily agree with me… I have spoken to my guy friends about this and I feel it’s important to share so that they can learn… not so much about health (since most of us know enough about that) but about the feeling good part of being authentic

    then again some of my Guy friends at that think that I am being a “player” by circular dating… instead of being in a bf/gf relationship (and maybe “cheating”) until I felt ready to be married

    I think the guys’ cheating shows that they are not ready to be married and also that they think they have to show some kind of commitment to date a girl… ie… they have to be in a relationship even when they are not ready for “all of that”

    They sound very much like many guys I know… I don’t know these guys personally but just because they are living this way doesn’t make them “bad”

    Just like we are not “bad” just because we are not attracted certain “nice” guys that really really want to date us…

    and yes we’ll go on dates with them but maybe not want anything more… does taht make us “bad”… no! we are just experimenting…

    I think similarly it doesn’t make them bad to experiment with a relationship that they are not ready to commit to…

    lying is bad yes… but most of us are scared to be authentic and have been working really hard to get there…

    I personally still don’t feel totally safe telling guys I date that I am dating other guys or have slept with another guy a few days ago… I wouldn’t say I would lie about it, but maybe I would if I were put on the spot… I might feel scared…

    Actually yes… I was with a guy I like and we were listening to a song called “Birthday Sex” and he said…”too bad you didn’t get any” jokingly…

    the thing is I DID!!! just not from him!!! HEHE

    so I just smiled a lot and didn’t say anything… later that day I brought it up and joked that… oh you were trying to make me feel bad with that you didn’t get any comment…

    Anyways I did Not tell him I Did have sex. I felt scared to… I think it seemed like I didn’t have sex and I felt kinda relieved about it…

    I’m feeling all tangled now and I’m gonna go eat something…



  49.  #49Daria on June 17, 2009 at 3:31 pm

    UGH…

    I feel furious! I feel tingling and tightness in my head, in my forearms…

    I feel shaky

    BTW this is aobut something else not the 2 cheaters topic



  50.  #50alias girl on June 17, 2009 at 4:17 pm

    i feel good to just float along the shores waters of siren island and observe. sooo much happening and going on. so much beauty and growth. i feel delicious to be a part of it. aaaaaahhhhhh feeellllsss ssssssooooo good.

    learning so much. become more goddessey with the other sirens. just floating along.

    i had cyber sex last night with the online dating site guy who was inappropriate months ago and kind of ran over me with his sexuality. i used feeling messages. it was a fun experiment to tell him my feeling messages all the while having cyber sex. i felt really honest and satisfied and turned on. i felt healing by the experience. i feel ok to be misinterpretted by the world.



  51.  #51Cassandra on June 17, 2009 at 4:55 pm

    Tinque….If I was near where you are ….I wold be joining you!! Thanks for the invite and for sharing your experience/s with me/ us here!!

    I feel that I cannot get involved in the cheating part of this post as it deeply deeply triggers me! I have never had a man in my life that has been faithful to me……ever. I don’t know forsure about Charles…..i don’t think that he has been with another woman physically but he has most certainly ‘solicited’ them on dating sites/ swingers sites and the like….to me…that is all it takes….to me that is the same damn thing! Cheating is something that I cannot tolerate..period. The only reason that I am still here is because I have no where else to go! I feel angry and triggered and hurt inside.



  52.  #52Linda on June 17, 2009 at 5:57 pm

    I need help. I am so tired. I feel numb, sad, empty. I am FULL of grief…..

    The break up I endured last year finally has the last chapter written today. I am glad but in a way something died a deeper death too. There were things of his that were left at my house, in the garage, attic and barn. After 8 mos of no contact, he contacts me and says he wants to get his things. When he drove away today without speaking a word (which I knew would be that way)… I had a deep awareness of death inside me. I hated what he did but and how he left, I loathed the stuff here and now that it is all gone it feels weird that it is gone. I feel some sort of odd grief. I could never have a relationship with him because of his betrayal of trust etc but I still wish he had never done what he did and we were still together. I loved being in love with him. I grieve that empty place in me. I love my tears about this because they let me know my heart is still soft and vunerable and real. I cant confess this to anyone who knows me, because they would not understand. Maybe someone here does. I dont even understand it fully.

    Then there was the other man who came after him. The one who pursued me but withdrew..He did that 5 times…! I grieve this too today. Because, I am alone. I was alone in my marriage, and I made all these hard changes in my life… and am still alone.

    I have been circular dating, I listen to all the toads, find their message, I even had a glorious time with one who is not a toad at all last nite. He kissed me passionately, was a gentlemen, I could relax and not worry that he was going to push for sex, like the last two men I circular dated… I got in touch with a relaxed, sensual, me. Was I hot an bothered, no. I felt erotic and sensual. Even though it was wonderful,….and I concentrated on how I felt and it was glorious… but it was still empty and void of the thing I need most.

    I am again alone tonight. I HATE it. I tired have had little sleep, I was supposed to be on vacation with the last yo-yo guy, but I cancelled it all and worked instead. damn…
    What is real? I dont know if I know anymore. Why is a beautiful, healthy, goddess like me still alone ?

    Linda



  53.  #53Chanel on June 17, 2009 at 6:06 pm

    Katja,

    “And if anyone knows this I would like them to tell me as I am a honest person and I believe it is important to be always honest”

    Did you just answer your own question? ๐Ÿ™‚



  54.  #54Nikita on June 17, 2009 at 6:08 pm

    Mmm
    This feels like the obligatory sex post Jason savage posted about in the thread about initiating sex.Maybe the cheaters feel obligatory with the “girlfriend”.
    Maybe following their pleasure with outside girls. Maybe the truth shows up faster if the girls reaaaaaally leaned back. The cheaters might drift away.

    Daria,

    I’ve been hearing the birthday sex song a lot the past few days.
    I feel like if two people have not explicitly stated that they are sexually monogamous then; all bets are off. If I was cornered I would say ” I don’t kiss and tell”. If he got angry and pressed me,
    I’d allude to the fact I don’t feel he has that right since he has not claimed me, or asked for sexual exclusivity-thus that information is classified ๐Ÿ™‚ I feel it’s mysterious, challenging, ethical, and logical. I feel he’d be eager to move things foward based on the fact your loyalty has to be earned by him showing himself to be responsible with commitment and your heart. It’s basically like; it’s none of your business! And information is on a need to know basis. Of course I’d express that in the softest way possible. If I slept with the guy, I’d immediately turn the question around and ask him. If he played that”i asked you first” game; I’d go back to the soft response and protect my privacy. If I haven’t promised to be monogomous I don’t feel I owe that. If have agreed I keep my promise. I feel like it has to be discussed not assumed. I certainly let a man know what I expect if he’s interested in being intimate with me. I’m usually celibate when I circular date. But if I sleep with one person I don’t feel the need to advertise it. I feel good being honest but if I’m not feeling comfortable telling the truth I respond with some form of no-comment ๐Ÿ™‚

    Nikita ๐Ÿ™‚



  55.  #55Chanel on June 17, 2009 at 6:10 pm

    Or maybe not Katja, I just read your follow up post.

    It is difficult spot to be in.



  56.  #56Chanel on June 17, 2009 at 6:32 pm

    Welp, I’ve been triggered. Forgive me, in advance, for the spew.

    It’s funny, after all this talk about dads today, this evening my mom “suggested” I make reservations for Father’s Day and to my surprise, I said no!

    I said I still felt really angry that he told me I was a disappointment in his life. I said I’d go and bring a present and be cordial, but if she wanted us to go out, she’d have to make the reservation herself.

    So, she countered this with a guilt trip about how he’s getting old and how he’s getting senile and that the comment he made was ALMOST CERTAINLY due to the senility. Of course she said “he didn’t mean it.”

    Well, that may or may not be, but he has verbally abused my mother, in front of me, my entire life. This has had a HUGE impact on my psychology and sense of self worth. My mom has ALWAYS made excuses for him.

    I told her that I felt tired of listening to her make excuses for him. I told her that I felt like just letting go of him. I no longer feel like working for his aproval. I no longer feel like letting him near my heart. I feel like protecting myself from him at the moment.

    I feel angry and that’s my right.

    I feel like he should pay me back all the money I’ve been paying therapists to help me undo the number he’s done on my head.

    She countered by telling me that I’ll be regretting this because he doesn’t have many years left. I countered by saying I already regret spending my entire childhood listening to his venom, I can afford regretting a few more years. At least now, by distancing myself, I am finally feeling some peace.

    The conversation ended with her saying “but he LOVES you.” Which made me feel furious.

    I feel furious, my stomache hurts. I feel angry that my mom always brings stuff up when we’re eating. I feel pissed that it’s impossible to enjoy my food whenever I’m around my parents. I feel worried they’re going to give me an ulcer.

    I feel like hating Father’s Day. I feel like Holidays in general are a pain in the ass! No matter what crap is going on in my life, I feel like I HAVE to participate in these pain-in-the-ass holidays and celebrate when I DON’T FEEL LIKE FUCKING CELEBRATING!



  57.  #57gina on June 17, 2009 at 6:40 pm

    Linda,
    I’m sorry you’re feeling lonely. I’m glad the universe granted you some lovin’ last night. I’m sure there’s lots more love coming your way. It totally makes sense that you would mourn the loss of his stuff, even though you hated it. Like you said, it was the death of something – which is inevitably a new beginning. That emptiness you feel is necessary to attract whatever is on its way. I wish you all the love and warmth and pleasure you deserve.



  58.  #58Tina on June 17, 2009 at 7:55 pm

    I love love love the bathing suit. Now where can I get one?. Tomato red yippee!. Thanks Nikita!. I feel happy about bathing suit shopping again.



  59.  #59Cassandra on June 17, 2009 at 8:24 pm

    Linda…I feel sad that you are feeling so sad and filled with grief. I send you a hug. I feel that so many doors are opening for you though I feel deeply hopeful about that for you. I felt a sense of freedom when you shared about not only the 1st x getting his things but then also closing the door on the other guy that was not good for you. I think that it took a huge amount of courage and strength to close BOTH of those doors at one time.. I applaud that BIG TIME!

    Chanel…I feel sad that you feel so triggered by Father’s day coming. I also feel however that if you don’t feel like celebrating then I feel hope that you will do something on that day that makes YOU feel good and perhaps can even heal some of the hurt that is in your heart around your father’s harsh words. I feel frustrated that you MOM puts words of guilt out there in order to get oyou to do something that SHE wantsyou to do…that feels icky to me and I feel frustrated that you have to go thru that. YUCK! I do hope that you will do something that will make you feel good on that day.

    I am feeling the same way now about father’s day but not for the same reason. I am quite close to my parents and wish I could celebrate with them…I so deeply wish that I could see them soon. I miss them more than words can say. I was just informed by Charles that his father, nasty brother and disgusting nephews who look and act like thugs will be here for father’s day to bbq all day long and that his sister in law will not be here so I will be the only woman in that mess however I was just told not long ago to ‘make myself scarce’ except for getting something to eat and cleaning up. There. now how does that feel? It feels like I am nothing but a piece of crap to him. Where in the hell am I going to go? I don’t know anyone here that I can go celebrate with or hang out with so where am I going to go? What am I going to do all day? I will go to the gym but then what??? IHAVE NO FRIGGIN CLUE! I feel so nothing-y….like I don’t matter…I feel invisible and I feel so unwanted that words could never be enough to convey how unwanted I feel..I feel unwated…I feel unloved…I feel undesirable…unbeautiful…I feel un-everything good like Ijust said in another post. I feel sick actually. All of them are pigs. we have a pool in the backyard and I would never want to be in a swimsuit with all of them around! Not if hell froze over! I feel scared. I feel afraid that there is going to be a big ‘thing’ either before Sunday or on Sunday and I kind of feel as though Charles may even do something awful….kick me out?? I don’t know. I am assuming here and my mind is running wild now. He has not said that but he is so totally different when he is around all of them drinking all day long. I know he will be drunk by noon for sure. I feel scared now. I really do.



  60.  #60Nikita on June 17, 2009 at 8:40 pm

    I feel triggered by Cassandra’s post. That song popped in my head. ” there must be 50 way to leave your lover”, who is that? Paul Simon?

    Cassandra I wish you could see your parents. Do you feel like seeing a movie that day?

    You could probably see 3 by sneaking in hehe, I feel mischevious.

    I’d feel happy to be set free from the “thugs” on fathers day, I’d feel better having a date with myself instead of being stuck at the BBQ cleaning and listening to them. I’d feel grateful to make myself scarce. I’d feel yayy! A day for me me me!!!

    xxxxnikita



  61.  #61nikita on June 17, 2009 at 10:08 pm

    tinque

    this is a pic of the bathing suit haahaa its called the hollywood siren ………..way too funny

    http://www.thisnext.com/item/BC8CA9B9/Red-Hollywood-Siren-One-Piece



  62.  #62Tina on June 17, 2009 at 10:08 pm

    Cassandra, I wish I could wave a magic wand over your head but I cant – *sniffle. I feel helpless. Charles is on my list of ‘dipshits” along with my ex – Linda’s ex and probibly my man/boyfriend – I cant forsee so who knows. Lets see – if I were you I would put my stuff in storage – get the money from charles but dont tell him what its for – go to a women’s shelter and stay there until you get back on your feet. If this is not an option then pray that you see the light. I would in this case, lean my back up against sophie the tree and pray and ask for guidance. I know you’ll just tell me to mind my own business, I feel afraid for you, I feel sad that you are in this situation. Go to the gym, go out dancing,stay out all night, go to a coffee shop with “dinner boy” or maybe not…

    Fathers Day is no biggie for me anymore, my father is dead but I feel that fathers day is just another day. He gave me life and thats it. He had a thing for elvis presley lol my dad was buried on the same day elvis died lol. He has a picture of them together lol. He died drunk and penniless yet another story.

    Cassandra I feel triggered by my feelings of oppression.



  63.  #63nikita on June 17, 2009 at 10:12 pm

    Tina !

    I meant Tina, i feel all mixed up. I di feel really sleepy.
    There must be a nicer version of this suit but the siren name was just too funny to not post a link. nite

    nikita



  64.  #64Tina on June 17, 2009 at 10:15 pm

    Nikita I found a site that specializes in the red marilyn monroe one piece swim suit its freakin AWESOME and its red, does this one have the skirt thingy on the bottom, i just love that. i have to wait to get paid but I am going to get it. lol thanks



  65.  #65Tina on June 17, 2009 at 10:23 pm


  66.  #66Nikita on June 17, 2009 at 10:33 pm

    Tina!
    I feel so happy and excited for you! I’m going to save the link you sent me here. I feel that I don’t want to promote the link I posted and if it’s deleted great! I just really wanted you to see a pic so I felt we were on the same page ๐Ÿ™‚ yayy we are!!! I feel satisfied.
    Bathing suit shopping is hard work :)))



  67.  #67Nikita on June 17, 2009 at 10:43 pm

    Tina
    the one I sent has an eye-let white suit with ruffles on the bottom if you click on retrogirl under the pic of the red suit. Maybe it’s retro wear – but it was really cute maybe it comes in red.



  68.  #68alias girl on June 17, 2009 at 11:23 pm

    cassandra i feel so grateful and relieved and proud with how far you’ve come and i feel AMAZED really. when you walked away without spite while you were shaving charle’s head. just walked away because your instinct kicked in about what feels good and bad. i feel so good to follow you on your journey and witness your growth and goddess self emerging.

    i may be in man mode to ask this but is going home to your folks an option? i feel curious whether it is an option and you are just not exercising it because you don’t feel complete with the situation you are in. there have been many times (with my job currently) but with men or what where my soul was just not done learning from the situation. either way i feel supportive of you and your choices.

    i feel excited to check out the swimsuits tomorrow when i am back on a regular computer and not reading from my cell. i feel excited about ruffles. i like ruffles and lace and romantic clothing. i can be kind of dorky but i think it works well with my dorkdom and i think i would look smashing in a ruffled suit. i would feel sexy and sassy. i feel fun talking swimsuits.

    daria i feel interested to read of your sexplorations. also i feel CONFIDENT you will find work you LOVE.

    Gina i felt resonance when reading your posts about miss complicated and miss whatever. i felt triggered by miss complicated description because i related to a lot of it. my own miss complicated developed to Protect me and i love and acknowledge her.

    i felt good to read jason’s description of the sex dance.i felt Yes while reading it.

    linmayu i feel happy to imagine you in your kitchen wearing your toe shoes like nikita had said. ๐Ÿ™‚

    mercedes i feel Excited when you use feeling messages.

    dock you sound like a hot tamale on fire and i feel inspired by that and you.

    cookie. i feel good to read you checking in. i feel strong when i imagine you circular dating. i felt triggered when i read about you unsrity of your guy’s faithfulness. i thought of guy i had been with who had baby’s mama at home. i feel angry from both sides of the equation.

    katya. i would do what Felt best and right for me in that particualr situation. i feel unsure what i would feel. would depend on circumstances and my intentions and desires



  69.  #69Nikita on June 18, 2009 at 12:02 am

    alias girl.

    I feel ruffles + dorkdom = very sexy

    Feels authentic girl. I feel good hearing about your ruffle excitement. Ruffles feel fun to me. I feel dorky. I feel like a I am geek chic ๐Ÿ™‚



  70.  #70Daria on June 18, 2009 at 12:09 am

    so im getting a weird message… i dont want to trigger those who wouldnt approve but

    a while back i liked a guy who lived with another woman he had a kid with… and i felt weird and REALLY wanted to get involved with him (sex and most likely more) but i held back because I felt it would hurt other ppl… namely the girl he lived with and alos my ex who is his close friend…

    even tho i have thought about him since and still feel really attracted to him… he tried to pursue me but i acted weird…

    anyways I didnt get involved with him…

    um basically i was kind of sacrificing my lust for him to not hurt other ppl and i kinda felt guilty to myself about that…

    so now im feeling weird… because im thinking that… even though it didn’t seem like i had a right to… if I had gotten involved with him maybe him and I would be together and somewhere in brazil right now…

    instead he wound up having his baby with the girl at home… (thats why i didn’t want to get involved with him… now i remember… i was mad that she got pregnant… even tho he might have left her for me… we found out she was pregnant and i backed out…)

    and now smthing happend and none of us may see him again…

    so weirdly im getting that even though it SEEMED wrong and liek it would be painful for me… if i had followed my desire which was Him at that time… maybe things woulld have turned out better for ALL of us… including the girl at home…

    i feel like i don’t make too much sense and kind of don’t want to make that much sense

    i kinda felt shocked

    weird…

    i am going to go for my dreams even if they don’t seem appropriate…

    oh also something i else i realized…

    i have a part of me that is a warrior… that is so wanting to prove hisor her strenght that shes willing to create suffering and bad scary scenarios in my life just so she can say she lived through them… or know that she did so that she can feel accomplished and strong…

    and i am asking her… to direct her great warrior destructive and immensely rageful powerful energy to creating a wonderful feeling life for me that includes everything i want that feels good to me…

    thanks huge warrior demon destructor queen woman…



  71.  #71alias girl on June 18, 2009 at 12:43 am

    thanks nikita aka geek chic.

    just for clarification my ex LIED to me and swore up and down and sideways that he was single. i have NO DESIRE to get involved with someone else’s man. and i have no judgment on women who do. all people on on their onw path and i think most of the time the women being cheated on Know on some level and are still choosing to stay for whatever reason.

    as soon as i found out about my ex’s situation (uh duh cuz he was actually a terrible liar and couldn’t keep his lies straight) but i kicked him to the curb. we separated. and then slowly slowly over many many months i let him creep back in on an emotional level. this was two years he stayed creeping around me and vice versa. i can honestly say i feel love for this man. but i don’t want him as my own man. sure maybe in an idealistic fantasy imaginary relationship kind of way. but not for real.

    so i felt triggered daria and then i felt defensive and a need to explain. or maybe a desire to get it out. that man got in my system but he’s toxic and currently incapable of anything resembling tru intimacy. of course i have my obvious limitations with intimacy myself as is witnessed by my cyberspace experiment. (whixh i am loving by the way)

    i feel respect for you daria and your path. i could never ever know what will bring another goddess to her bliss regardless of society’s harsh judgments and rules and fear based blahdedahs.



  72.  #72alias girl on June 18, 2009 at 12:55 am

    yes go for your dreams daria regardless of what the world says.

    i didn’t don’t want that baby’s mama ex because i don’t want a man who would do that to another woman so casually. i wasn’t the first for him and wasn’t the last. and i am positive his girl knows. it just feels like co dependency/games/ blech. like him and his baby’s mama need each other to perpetuatue their self loathing. ugh. i feel sick just thinking about. i feel so grateful to be where i am and practicing my tools.

    and i feel silly because dari’s post had nothing to do with me an di just got all triggered and heated. hee. i feel good to find resolution in this situation about though because i alwasy felt terrible about. i felt it was a bad unhealthy situation for all involved.

    do i regret it? no.
    am i gald he lied to me? yes because i wouldn’t have gone near him if he had told me the truth. and i feel a better person having experienced that experience. in a weird way i feel i contributed to making things better for him and maybe her too. but i could be deluding myself about that. is very possible.

    i feel self exposing and a little naseaous.



  73.  #73Tracy on June 18, 2009 at 3:29 am

    Linda,
    I feel sad that you feel empty and alone but as Gina put it so well….its a new beginning for many good things to come….fantastic things….i can actually feel it…I was reading your post and i felt hope and i felt that circular dating really helps us deal with our past and brings us closer and closer to finding ourselves and finding the relationship we really want……I felt that you handled the situation so well….and you treated yourself as a goddess….and embraced your feelings….to me you did great…..



  74.  #74Cassandra on June 18, 2009 at 6:46 am

    Tracy….I felt so excited to read your post to Linda because that is the exact same thing that I felt too but you wrote it out so much better than I did! I feel excited for you Linda!!

    Thanks ladies for the support….Alias Girl…..Your post made me cry in a “feeling proud of how far I have indeed come sort of way”. So thank you for that!! I have come a long way but still have a super long way to go but my Mom and I had a talk the other day and as I was crying I had said to her “I am soooo not perfect and I wouldn’t want to be….how boring would that be?!” I always want to be growing, evolving and morphing into the best ME that I can be or I would get so doggone bored with life in general. About the Father’s day situation…..today I don’t feel scared…I feel pissed and I feel irritated and annoyed that Charles is indeed the dipshit that Tina…you so elequently and correctly described him to be. Right on Baby! I just feel so tired of all of this crap. I am so tired of not mattering of not being a part of things, of being made to feel less than when I am the one in this ‘relationship’ for lack of a better word that is a truly good, loving caring beautiful person. Nikita….i don’t want to be here now in Sunday…..at all and I am going to get up early…before anyone even gets here and get myself together looking all cute and hot and leave Charles’ sorry ass here with his drunken ‘boys’ to fend for themselves. I am not cooking a thing nor am I cleaning one crumb off of the floor! I feel so sick of all of this…I really do. AG..I would so love to go home to see my family but financially that is not an option for me right now and in addition, I would ahve no place to stay. I can’t stay with them because they have pets and I can’t be around them for too long – meaning hours not days – before I start to get sick and can’t breathe. My body is extremely sensitive and with all that I have been thru with my health I can’t risk getting sick again with lung issues – that could create significant issues for me. I will go do things all day that day that I enjoy but I am a home body in alot of ways and really did want to be home relaxing by the pool…..ain’t gonna happen! LOL ๐Ÿ™‚

    I got a call from dinner man last night telling me that he needs to focus on his son and daughter which caught me totally by surprise…I totally repsect that- it just caught me off guard as HE was the one pursuing ME so fervently. last night I did feel kind of hurt but I think that it was because spending time talking to him moved my energy away from Charles which felt really good not to mention that it does feel good to have someone telling you all of those wonderful things. I did feel pretty sad last night although I totally respect his decision and i even sent him a text using one of Roris’ examples on another post and then making it fit my feelings and I felt good about that. I never expected to hear from him again and I was fine with that but then after all of that feeling sad last night…….he texted me first thing this morning saying……”I still want to see you”. I felt icky getting that text…it felt to me as though it is a game to him and it felt really really yucky. This morning I feel thankful that he wants to focus on his kids and I feel thankful that I realize that this IS a game to him and I am choosing NOT to play. This game does not feel good to me at all. I don’t want to have another person in my life that acts like Charles does at anymoment in time….ever!

    Swimsuits…..I just ordered a really cute one that I can’t wait to get and it too has ruffles. I love the ruffly, girly suits that are out this year and the one that you all had been talking about …the marilyn monroe suit….I love it!!! I will try to post the link to the one that I ordered with the ruffles in case anyone is looking for a suit with ruffles…I have find it first though. ๐Ÿ™‚

    Tina…..it really touched me that you remembered Sophie. I loved that. Thank you. I had to giggle when I read that too because I often do go outthere and sit underneath her and either pray or talk to her. I feel so deeply sad that she did not make it…she is a HUGE old oak tree that I can’t even wrap my arms around her trunk she is so big but I do often go out there and talk to her. I do have to stay here though until I can get an income coming in and move out. I don’t have much stuff but what I do have is all that I have left and I will not leave what I do have left behind. it is ok. I will make it thru this…it just gets hard sometimes. I am totally focused on getting my business up and running and each day I get a little closer. I KNOW that this business is going to do very well so it is only a matter of time before Iam up and running myself again. Time. Just time. I WILL be ok and when I do leave here I will be doing SO great that Charles will be the one asking me to come home…..I can’t wait to be able to stand there…strong..looking more beautiful than I ever have….get to look him in the eye and tell him……’well you thought you could do better…so go on…I wish you well’. I can’t wait for that moment and it WILL come.



  75.  #75Cassandra on June 18, 2009 at 7:22 am

    Nikita and Tina….I LOVED those suits! I got a little carried away on the pin-up site you sent the link to Tina!! I love that kind of stuff. here is the link to the one that I just ordered…well actually my Mom ordered it for me which was so so sweet and much appreciated.

    http://www.bostonproper.com/product/Ruffle-halter-skirted-bikini-swimsuit/830027/pc/47/sc/202/c/68.uts

    I don’t know why the link did not show up in pink?? Who knows..anyway…I really love that pin-up site!! Nikita….was that ths suit that you got? Love it!!
    XOXOXOXO



  76.  #76Cassandra on June 18, 2009 at 7:28 am

    ooops…I guess it did! -)



  77.  #77Rori Raye on June 18, 2009 at 9:52 am

    How lovely, dark horse, and I look forward to reading more from you…Rori



  78.  #78alias girl on June 18, 2009 at 11:30 am

    welcome dark horse. welcomee to siren island. ๐Ÿ™‚

    aggy while i was scrolled all the way up there to see who dark horse was i noticed your post again as well.

    i feel good when a man can read me and is in tune with me also. but then i feel triggered when same man says what? what are you thinking? when i have a thought i don’t feel good sharing with him because maybe i am angry or something and haven’t gotten it into feeling messages. like i oh i was just thinking how after this not great experience tonight that maybe i never want to see you again. when really i do want to see him i just want to be treated better.

    anyway i feel good when a guy is in tune with me too. as for your situation it feels very miss whatever to me (in a good goddessey way) and by circular dating the best men will just rise to the top and i know for me i feel a loss of interest in the weird games my exes were playing. they can’t play games with me if i don’t play back. some of the men i dated just like to Pursue me and don’t seem to really want to be with me or care for me or provide for me.



  79.  #79Nikita on June 18, 2009 at 12:59 pm

    Cassandra,

    very cute bikini! Very sexy ๐Ÿ™‚
    It feels like; hello seรฑorita, como esta?

    I have not ordered any of the bathing suits ๐Ÿ™
    I have my very basic black bikini in my drawer waiting to jump out into the sun ๐Ÿ™‚
    I feel like getting a white bikini, a very basic tiny one ๐Ÿ™‚ but my black one suits me perfectly.

    Congrats; ๐Ÿ™‚
    Nikita



  80.  #80Cassandra on June 18, 2009 at 1:22 pm

    Me too….I am so sorry that I missed those posts! Welcome to both of you…this is a most amazing and rare place where you can work out your own stuff and still feel love & acceptance and learn so so much!

    Aggy…..I don’t get it either how he can tell you he loves you one day and then you don’t hear from him the next and he can’t even recognize if you are under the weather. I don’t get it but then again they are SO NO wired like we are to notice stuff like that. As far as what do you do? You do NOTHING! You turn your focus from HIM and what he IS or is NOT doing and put all of that wonderful, creative, love filled energy right back into yourself and go do something that makes YOU feel good. Drawing….painting….take a class….Salsa dancing…whatever it is…even a hot bubble bath if you are not feeling well would feel delicious!

    Dark Horse…..I feel so excited about your success! I hope that you celebrate this in some special way for yourself! To have your man tell you that is awesome!! YAY!!

    AG…..I know what you mean about not wanting to play the games and that is why I was so happy in a way that dinner guy let me know where he was at and that he needed to focus on his children who are nearly grown. I totally respect that….deeply actually. Sure I felt sad in a way because in some ways he made me feel good when we talked and in others I was given the PERFECT opportunities to practice the tools so for me that whole thing was indeed a win win. Even today…after what he told me last evening he sent me a text saying that he wanted to see me. When i read that text after what he told me last night I knew for sure that this is all a game to him…totally nothing but a game….I feel so proud that I see that and I feel so happy that I was able to PAY ATTENTION TO HOW THAT MADE ME FEEL!! I feel like that in itself if progress. In the past….because I did enjoy our talks and the dinner and lunch that we had I would have felt happy to hear from him today with that text but now…where I am in my own journey…I did not feel excited to hear from him or even happy….I felt irritated and annoyed and I knew at that point that all of this with me is a game to him and i don’t want to play. Since then he has asked me to have dinner with him this evening. I did not respond to the text so then I guess he figured he would try calling. I would not have answered his call except for the fact that I was on the phone when he called and my cell does not tell me who is on the other line when I get a call and I had been expecting another call. It turned out that that other call was HIM and not who I thought it would be. He told me that he feels extremely confused but knows that he wants to see me…..and then asked me to have dinner with him. I told him that I am sticking with my plans to go Salsa dancing tonight and that I felt very uncomfortable with the fact that last night he basically told me ‘goodbye my friend’ and then today he wants to talk some more….and that all of that felt really icky and confusing to me…as though it was a game and that made me feel like running away. Since then he has sent me probably 7 more texts which I have not responded to. I feel good that I stuck to my boundaries and that I am still going Salsa dancing tonight. I feel good about not responding to him and doing what I am doing. I feel that in addition to not having dinner with him..none of this feels good to me anymore and I don’t think that i want to talk to him anymore at all. At least that is how I feel right now. Maybe he and Charles could spend Father’s day together?! hee hee Two of a kind?? I think SO!



  81.  #81Jody on June 18, 2009 at 1:27 pm

    Well ladies, i think i just made a huge mistake.. I opened my heart and shared my feelings with him. I let my self be soft and vulnerable. and the only response i got was “cool”. I put my heart 1st and told him, that sometimes I feel sad and scared that there wont be anymore memories made between us. i got no response… normally i would get angry and rip him apart for that, but im just letting myself feel the embarrassment, the deep sadnees, disappointment and just plain pain. NOW WHAT? Im even praying to God, please dont let this happen to me again, please. Let me win one! just one…



  82.  #82Cassandra on June 18, 2009 at 1:30 pm

    Thanks Nikita….I goofed though. You have to order that one as a set and my top is a whole lot smaller than by bottom half so I hope that the bottom fits ok. I may need a bigger size in the bottom half. Who knows. I really loved the one that you showed us on Land’s End. Cute cute cute. That one felt like VaVaVa VOOM Siren!! ๐Ÿ™‚ Thanks for celebrating my suit with me….My Mom surprised me with that. She knows all that has been going on around here soI guess she ordered it and sent me the conformation to expect it. It defintiely brought me a smile.
    Thanks for sharing in that Nikita. Your post made me feel good….it made me feel like there are awesome women out there that WILL indeed celebrate another siren getting a gift or having something good happen and that made me feel happy and kind of giddy! Your post was indeed a gift in itself! ๐Ÿ™‚ Thank you for that! ๐Ÿ™‚ XOXOXO



  83.  #83Cassandra on June 18, 2009 at 1:38 pm

    Jody…..I think that you should be really proud of yourself to telling him in feeling messages how you feel and for sinking into those feelings. I have the feeling message part down but not the sinking into the feelings part yet so I think that you did GREAT! PLease celebrate those wonderful steps that you took and do something wonderful for yourself. If you were here I would take you Salsa dancing with me tonight! We would get all gussied up and dance until we can’t dance another step! Whatever it is that makes you feel good….go do that. I applaud you…..I feel that you did a fantastic job and I feel proud that you took care of YOU. YAY for you!! xoxox



  84.  #84Jody on June 18, 2009 at 2:24 pm

    Thank you Cassandra,

    I wish I had friend like you here with me now. I could use a hug!!! someone who would cry with me, and remind me, the courage it took to allow him to see the center of who I am. Its hard to feel proud, but im trying not to sink to low into these negetive emotions. just trying to comfort them. aceept them, and accept me with all my flaws, and insecurities. Thank you from soul!!



  85.  #85Cassandra on June 18, 2009 at 3:04 pm

    Jody…thanks for your post. It really did take alot of courage to tell him what you did. I also applaud you for really sinking in to those harder to deal with emotions….like Daria…you are good at that. That is one thing that I REALLY still struggle with. baby steps though…baby steps. I hope that my post did make you feel better and look at the wonderful courageous steps that you did take!! YAY!! xoxoxo



  86.  #86alias girl on June 18, 2009 at 4:52 pm

    i feel so much more dignified. i used to be sssooooo reactive and constantly activated like i was constantly under threat. i’m not saying i don’t still get triggered or reactive but it is soooooooo much less so. and because of this i feel so much more dignified. i almost feel amused when i get triggered now. or there’s a tiny bit of space, a tiny bit of grace that pops up now and enables me to choose my words. ๐Ÿ™‚ i feel really grateful.

    and alos i care soooooooo much less about what people think about me. why should i hide who i am or my choices?

    i feel good. haha nad herels how you know there’s been a shift. i actually don’t mind my job. hahahaahhahahaha hahahahahahaha who would ever have believed. i actually feel grateful for the securitya. the stability and the structure it provides for me in my life.

    ! i feel really good. and i know it is possible to feel even better!



  87.  #87Linda on June 18, 2009 at 5:24 pm

    Thanks Ladies

    I so wish I could feel as optomistic as you are for me. I try my best to think positive thoughts. For the longest time all I wanted was for the love of my life to come back. The tears I cried over it all could fill Lake Michigan! When I read the email (him still painting himself as someones misunderstood victum)…and remembered how he did me… I felt nothing, not even pity. I just shake my head at it all. Nothing has changed with him… but for me I have gotten so much stronger and emotionally healthy.

    It is true that we reap what we sow. What we do to others we will receive back always.

    I am so ready for a new exciting, unlonley chapter to begin. IT seems all I have experienced is ends or false starts. I told my mom on the phone tonight.. just once I wish someone would say, “you know Linda, I realize that I really messed up, I should not have rejected you”… she said you never know, it may come yet. In some ways I realize that is unhealthy too. I am still holding on to wanting to be validated by someone (an ex love). I certainly need to stop that too. Maybe that is bottom of the validation barrel. I hope.

    Thanks for the encouragement and speaking afirming positive things to me. I really need them.

    One side note…. I was at the mall shopping this afternoon and a salesman (25ish) at one of the kiosks selling beauty creams.. etc called out hello gorgeous!… For the first time in my life I did not turn around to see who was behind me. In my aloneness and unattached state… I feel gorgeous in spite all of it. That made me know I am a much better me than I have ever been. I never ever felt pretty before…..Maybe Mr Right is just around the next corner.

    Hugs… Linda



  88.  #88Jody on June 18, 2009 at 5:26 pm

    Cassandra, it did make me feel allot better!! he finally answered, here is the kicker!!! “ur funny” he said. Now id like to rip his head off!!!!!! the anger is a cover up for hurt. i have to get over him! this isnt good for me! im not going to answer so I probably will never here from him again. ouch!!!Thank you for being here for me!! im so grateful!! Now im going to go spend some $ on myself!! even if its just nail polish!! blood red sounds pretty right now!! lol!!



  89.  #89alias girl on June 18, 2009 at 5:51 pm

    hot diggity those swimsuits are CUTE! cassandra the one you picked is hot! I love it! i like the red one piece too but personally i can’t wear one pieces they don’t look that good on me.

    i was thinking more along the lines of this one for me self:

    http://www.thisnext.com/item/B4FA80A2/Pinup-Girl-Cherry-Charms

    but i think i may be a little too curvy for it and spilling out of it. it’s kind of itsy bitsy. ๐Ÿ™‚

    linda I feel good you are embracing all your feelings in your soup. the combination of rori’s tools and the trauma release therapy really seemed to help for me. i feel supportive and loving.



  90.  #90Linda on June 18, 2009 at 5:59 pm

    Jody, Take it from me… dont ever ever ever feel bad or upset for being honest. Owning them and sharing them is the best gift we can give ourselves. It takes guts to be vunerable and open. I tell people I love them or how I feel because it is true. Not because I want them to agree or tell me back so I can be affirmed. It is great when they do.. but when you reach the point where you can tell someone how you feel and release the outcome of it… then you are the most authentic, genuine person you can be. That my dear is what it is all about!

    If what you say is not received, returned or embraced it is okay. The most important thing is that you are being you. Remember please, that being rejected has nothing to do with you or something lacking therein, it is however an indicator of something lacking in the person that is doing the rejecting!

    Linda



  91.  #91alias girl on June 18, 2009 at 6:01 pm

    tinque you got a new blog design! I like it a lot!! and also i finally got to see the ballet pix. (I am finally at a regular computer) i feel confused which one you are.



  92.  #92Linda on June 18, 2009 at 6:03 pm

    Alias girl

    Thanks, soup it is!. Some of the chunks are a bit hard to swallow and bitter but it is all part of me.

    Linda



  93.  #93Daria on June 18, 2009 at 6:26 pm

    Im feeling sad…

    I just came back from acupuncture with my mom…

    And I’m feeling better but still feeling pressured…

    she’s like im going to yoga what are you going to do…

    i said im going to sit here in my room…

    she wants me to do something else… something that has to do with getting a job…

    i don’t feel focused on that now… i feel like i want time to myself to mediate… i feel pinching in the back of my neck…

    she told me that she thinks im a lazy ass and wants me to know that thats what she thinks of me…

    i feel furious…

    it sux that i’m such a great person and the people who love me treat me so badly…

    no wonder i was choosing men who treated me badly…
    duh…

    she also was telling me how money doesn;t just flow out the tap…
    and i felt amused because that’s exactly what i’m trying to manifest… money flowing…

    i feel so misunderstood… i feel i HAVE to hide my choices in men, activities, body shape, music, blogs, therapies… and yet I’m berated for hiding my choices

    this does not feel good…

    I feel empowered thinking that if people who love me can treat me so badly than that might mean that the “bad” people out there are actually loving people inside which is what i believe anyway…

    anyway looking forward to be vindicated… and like throw hecka money in their face or soemthing…

    that probably wouldn’t really feel good…
    its not their fault they have poverty conciousness and think that shame and feeling bad motivates people…

    i too suffer from these beliefs… now i am changing that…

    i feel annoyed that I feel lack as in lack of money for the stuff i want like therapy and EFT…

    that is BS

    i feel annoyed that this costs money…

    i feel mad at money

    Money I feel so angry at you… I feel unwanted… i feel betrayed… i feel disgusted…

    and i don’t want to feel this way towards you…
    what do you think?

    money says make me

    money i feel REALLY angry… i feel so frustrated and stuck… i DO NOT want to make you… I feel like punishing you for all the disgust and mistrust I feel thinking about you…

    I DO want to make you because I feel good with your good qualities llike feeling love and abundance and freedom and delight and magic and wondorousness…

    I feel angry that you are so hot and cold money… it feels Toxic…

    that’s why im deciding to lean back on you right now… even though I feel very desperate for you…

    what do you think?

    money: sounds like a good idea… i miss u… i like ur business style

    I feel dizzy thinking about business Money… i feel like I am swamped turning in circles trying to catch flying papers… i feel not good enough…

    i feel sad

    what do you think we should do

    Money:
    we should open a cafe

    I do not want to open a cafe Money… i feel bored and annoyed… i don’t want to tie down to this location… i feel scared… i feel desperate… i feel like my life is slipping through my fingers… i feel soooo overwhelmed

    what do you think?

    Money: aww poor baby… you need a break… maybe you should talk to MJ…

    Me: Thanks… yeah I feel like talking to her a little bit… I feel kinda worried about scratching my throat… i don’t know… i don’t feel particularly drawn to her right now… it does feel fun hanging out wiht her… i feel ambivalent… what do you think?

    Money: I think you’re great…
    you just need a little LoVitale

    what’s LoVitale

    Money: Love it All

    Me: haha that’s funny.. i feel smily… thanks hehe… im starting to feel better… hehheehe…

    i feel bored now… i feel disconnected and not good enough in the house by myself…

    im feeling sad.. i feel like visiting MJ and at the same time I don’t want to get dependent on her… hmmm… im feeling conflicted

    what do you think?

    Money: It’s all good… whatever you want to do is fine… sitting in your room by yourself is all good… eft is good… meditating is good… visiting Mj is good too… dont psyche yourself out! don’t fall for the hype… it’s all good… even i;m good… and i love you… i hope you know that… you’re very important to me

    Me: ohhh… i feel touched… that is really sweet… i feel so happy talking to you… i feel scared that my situation is not going to improve… i feel scared… mmmhm… i feel crinkled eyebrows

    Money: it’s all good. It’s all good. It’s all good. It really is all good

    Me: i feel bad when my parents put me down

    Money: tell them that

    Me: they might kick me out the house and i feel scared

    Money: it’s worth it trust me. Just tell them a little bit when you can… say… i feel very angry… i don’t like being called bad names… no matter what… it feels very upsetting… it feels furious

    Me: thanks… i feel a little shaky and tingly under my tongue thinking about it… i feel like moving out of here… i feel sad

    Money: it’s ok to feel sad. I don’t want you to though. I’d feel happy if you moved out of there too

    Me: you would?

    Money: yeah i would be able to see you more often

    Me: oh… that feels interesting… I feel concerned that there’s nowhere to move that feels good

    Money: wait for it it will come… meanwhile i will try to visit you as much as i can… sneak me in…

    Me: I don’t like sneaking people in… that feels scary… ummm… well my parents are going out of town and you can come then… it would also feel nice to see you before then… i have so many people that want me to pay them… i feel so angry at them… i would feel great if you could meet them and help me

    Money; well some of that you have to handle yourself… you’re so soft you know… it feels good… and at the same time… it’s important to strengthen your boundaries… i guess that’s why you’re here

    Me: oh i feel so shaky hearing that! ugh… i feel terribly afraid to strengthen my boundaries… ohh… i feel worried I can’t do it… oh… it feels not good

    Money: you have plenty of courage… don’t worry about it… jsut remember when the opportunity comes use a little feeling message… you’ve already been doing Great… everything is falling into place… believe me…

    Me: yeah… i feel so anxious when i feel like you’re gone… i feel terrified… i feel compelled to think about you all the time and i lose sight of what makes me feel happy… ugh… that seems to be a boundary i can work on too… oh… I feel so DESPERATE FOR YOU… it feeels absolutely frustrating… i feel like throwing stuff at you… I feel SO ANG?Ry

    money: thank you. I’m sorry for causing you trouble. I love you… i’m doing my best to help you… I don’t know exactly what to do sometimes, but believe me I want to… and I know it will be ok… i really am here for you… ok?

    Me: ok… thank you for talking to me… i feel a little better… bye for now… hehe

    Money: bye… see you soon… i promise.



  94.  #94Jody on June 18, 2009 at 6:44 pm

    Linda, U are so right! I keep reminding myself that I put my heart first. I guess I had hoped he felt the same. Im not him, so I cant feel or think for him. Its hard to work past the tears, and I to still hope that some of my ex’s would come back and appologize. Im starting to see though it was me who allowed them to do the things they did to me. I really need to appologize to myself! I wouldnt allow one of my children to be treated so poorly, so why should I let it happen to me. Im learning! I even know that the men Im dating arent what I want, or have all the fixins for my soup. Not bad guys, just not the right guy! Even “K” doesnt have all the qualities I need, to be my best self. When this heart ache heals, which it will eventually, Im feeling pretty confident that I wont end up in an imaginary relationship, I will finally have the one I imagined. Now to getting up, dusting myself off, this one really hurt, so its going to take time. And Im sure allot of self discovery! getting boundries and sticking to it. faithful to myself!



  95.  #95gina on June 18, 2009 at 7:44 pm

    Daria, I feel really amused reading your interaction with money, and also sad that your mom was so tough on you. I think I can relate to the mode you’re in. Maybe it’s different, but sometimes I find it really difficult to put my dreams into action. Like I get into a spiritual mode, and I don’t really want to deal with earthly realities. It was easier when I was in school. I felt idealistic and optimistic. It was easy to do my school work cause it was mostly theoretical and creative (I went to art school). But now, dealing with practical realities is tough! I tend to limit my thinking, and I perceive that it’s way easier to make money doing corrupt stuff. I know that it’s possible to do my OWN thing and make money – I’m proud that I proved that to myself this year – it just requires a lot of consistent action. I achieved some goals – I created a series of workshops and people paid me to conduct them – but now that I’ve proven that it’s possible, I have to KEEP GOING. I’ve learned that my success is dependent on what I DO, and I have to DO stuff regardless of how I feel. I read somewhere that “following your heart” is bad advice when it comes to success. Cause if we were to do that, we would stay in bed, when a more productive choice would be to get up. I definitely am glad to remind myself of that – I woke up at noon today.
    I’d like to know other womens’ views on following feelings versus our minds when it comes to manifesting success. When I’m in receptive feeling mode, I do attract good opportunities when I am truly happy and blissful. But, sometimes, feminine energy is to passive when I’m actually pursuing success – I get flaky if I’m not determined in a masculine way. Cause sometimes, I just feel like I don’t want to participate in society as it is. So many things seem so plastic and pointless. I feel whiny. Here’s how I’d like to live: I want to prepare and eat REAL food, spend time in nature, make a pretty home, love a smart funny man, take care of kids, talk about relationships with other women, drink a little alcohol, smoke a little pot, swim, sing, build, act, paint, dance and express gratitude for it all. It’s like all these BIG dreams of fame and fortune are just distractions from the simple life that I think would be truly fulfilling and joyful.
    However, Daria, I was thinking that your inner warrior that you described would be the perfect force to invoke in order to take on the world.



  96.  #96Daria on June 18, 2009 at 7:53 pm

    Hi Gina… I like your view of what you want and it is a very big part of what i want also… and am going to have it.

    I hear you about the not following heart when it comest to success… and I disagree. I am looking to follow my heart. Here is where my parents and I seem to disagree too…

    I will not work when I don’t feel motivated to, and usually feel motivated when I’m feeling really well… and feel demotivated when I’m feeling bad… which is why I EXTRA hate being put down because it makes me feel down and then I don’t feel motivated…

    It’s been happening very frequently because my parents think making me feel bad and telling me to feel ashamed of myself is motivating.

    I sent the big destructive man Goddess on the mission to help me achieve a wonderful life and I’m sure he’s on it.

    I feel scared of how i’m going to pay my bills this month but I also feel sure that I AM going to pay them… I wish I didn’t feel scared because that is how to manifest.

    I am EFTing here… wasn’t having much luck with it today (unlike yesterday… major luck) until right now I thought to use it on Resistance to change and then succeeded on feeling better right now

    will keep trying… i know Erika had success manifesting financial stuff with EFT



  97.  #97gina on June 18, 2009 at 8:09 pm

    I go both ways with the following my heart thing. Like right now – I have completed the specific goals that I had in mind, and I consider right now to be an incubation period where I am envisioning what I will accomplish by this time next year, I am determining the plan, and even though I’m not working actively towards them now, I consider this thought process an important part of the creative process. I am in the process of moving, so even though I’m not doing any hard labor, I am focused on what I want to manifest in this transition. Lately I’ve realized that I worry less if i consider myself a Co-creator in the process. Whether it’s dreaming it up or acting it out, I make it happen. I am learning that it comes from desire. If I am very aware of my Presence in the Grand Scheme of things, then I feel joyous, and a deep desire to fulfill my purpose. The deeper my desire, the easier it is for me to be mindful of the signs that are pointing me in the direction to go. As I’m writing this, I am discovering that I intend to follow my heart’s deep desire to fulfill my soul purpose. Sometimes my ego interferes, and those are the feelings I hope to have the discipline to overcome. Oh, I had this epiphany before, and I forgot: I realized that I want to obey Desire and resist Urges. Yes that sums it up for me.



  98.  #98alias girl on June 18, 2009 at 10:30 pm

    i feel inspired my gina’s little world of desires. me too metoo! i want a colorful atmosphere to work at like lauren and whitney on The Hills and they don’t have to anything a lot of the times except catch up on their love lives! i want my big concern to be Fashion and alos tons of time and support to work on my new hobbie which i Love. i want to take little day trips and live in a Fabulous super fabulous home with unlimited funds to decorate it. i want boys in and out of my life, all adoring me and finding me irrisistable and hoping hoping hoping i’l choose them. nope. i’m choosing no one man. at least that’s how i feel right now.

    sometimes i go this shop by my work and i always see this guy there and i do not find him attractive at all but i am always nice to him and say a few short words. today he asked me out. he said he always feels really excited around me. which i loved because i really feel excited about my life so i feel like he’s picking up on that and sort of standing in my goddess mist of excitement. anyway i didn’t seem to be able to find feeling messages in turning down. i said i felt honored and flattered that he asked and was interested. i said i had alot on myplate and am dating a couple of guys and just didn’t know where i would find room to take on more. i felt dishonest. i have No interest in dating this man ever and do not find him attractive. i feel unsure how to handle it better since i see him sometimes and he’s not just a one off that i’l never see again.



  99.  #99alias girl on June 18, 2009 at 10:34 pm

    i got sidetracked with my goddess dilemma.

    i also want a racy sportscar in the family of mercedes thank you very much. and i want fabulous business partners and to continue to be a part of siren island and to upstart my new business.

    and a new blender. a good blender. and a dyson vacuum cleaner.

    and that’l do it for now. i ahve more desires but they are further ahead and this is what i want for now.

    i named my teddy bear. he likes to just hang out no matter what i’m doing.



  100.  #100alias girl on June 18, 2009 at 10:37 pm

    oh and i am definitely a Follow Your Bliss kind of woman. definitely. definitely.



  101.  #101gina on June 19, 2009 at 12:41 am

    I want to experience the glory of God and be a clear channel of light and love.



  102.  #102gina on June 19, 2009 at 12:54 am

    I intend for my business to prosper: I will connect with big corporations. You can check out the beginnings of my business here:
    http://www.truebeautyworkshops.com

    I would love to mass produce some of the tools that I have created. I intend to produce a series of inspiring children books. I intend to write a book about my personal story, culture and body image. I intend to make television/radio appearances. I intend to model and act professionally for projects that I am passionate about. I intend to make a significant monetary and voluntary contribution to the Liberty movement. I intend to be a loving and nurturing wife and mom. I intend to spend a good amount of time in the greatest cities of the world. I intend to live in a beautiful and modest home. I intend to keep it simple. I intend to buy a vintage car, bright blue, with working air conditioning.



  103.  #103alias girl on June 19, 2009 at 3:17 am

    daria i feel love towards you. when i feel contempt for the world it is usually when i feel nobody loves me or cares. i feel love for you. i care.

    i feel confused why you don’t use feeling messages with your parents? i know for me is harder when i am extremely activated in the moment and reactive and angry and hurt and feeling attacked but that is the best training ground for warrior queen aspect of daria to practice feeling messages. !

    i just practiced telling cybersex guy i felt FURIOUS ETC ETC ETC ETC ETC.i am so loving practicing with my superman trigger guy in imaginaryville. ๐Ÿ™‚

    but anyway of course it always comes back to an anecdote about me. but my pint is i feel love for you and feel very very blessed you are on siren island.



  104.  #104alias girl on June 19, 2009 at 3:21 am

    some of my key phrases were

    i feel like puking
    i feel like punching you in the face
    i feel like deleting all your emails
    i don’t want to be some cruel joke
    i don’t want to feel punished

    and more.

    ๐Ÿ™‚

    i feel careful not guage a man’s heart out when i am full of wrath now that i am a goddess. i feel good to choose my words. esp with email. my first email to him i deleted and started over. i feel good practicing for real life face to face situations.



  105.  #105Daria on June 19, 2009 at 4:10 am

    Yeah Alias Girl I feel triumphant about your feelign messages.

    I am having trouble translating my feleing messages into my language that i speak with my parents

    so far I ahve

    I feel furious – (which i feel a lot but is pretty strong I feel scared to use it)

    I feel upset (at you) – this is a prime candidate for more use… I feel afraid that after I say this I will be attacked in a loud voice and that feels SCARY and is raising my heart reate right now aah

    I feel good – I feel like a doofus saying this one and meanign it… sometimes used sarcastically out of defense or just to pointedly avoid a question that i don’t want to answer about what i’m doing

    I feel happy – never used

    I feel bad – i feel afraid that using this while being attacked will lead to the … good you should feel bad… or i dont care you feel bad… or something else… that feels bad… it feels scary and sinking disappointment like an abandoned kid with his hopes up… maybe her hope up

    I feel terrible – this one can be used with much passion and even as sound like an attack

    I feel disgusted – this one is in my dad’s domain I don’t use it, i feel like it’s too strong and i don’t really feel disgusted in family interactions too much

    what else can I add?

    I feel …

    so far I have been making do with the above

    I feel unsupported…
    how would that translate…

    oh yeah i use i feel attacked a lot

    how about… it would translate as… i feel criticized and reduced

    i feel ashamed … or i have shame… this one i am encouraged to use by other people

    and i feel furious about that

    I feel unsupported = i feel like everyone thinks i am destined to fail because i want my cake and eat it too and i feel scared i am destined to fail also

    the end…

    not

    the end

    haha

    the start
    ofa beeeeautiful relationship

    it would feel fun if a prince came to rescue me

    maybe i want to be rescued

    rescue me

    iza o iza should i save her

    i wanna be saaaved

    i guess captain save a ho is like a prince

    that feels confusing

    i feel teary eyed and pinching arm again

    i feel tight middle

    i feel tortured… ish

    my nose runs and that makes me feel so tesnse

    i guess they call him captain save a ho
    cuz were not supposed to be looking for men to save us
    were supposed to be saving ourselves

    and i dont know how

    so i guess im not gonna be saved

    theyre gonna let go of me like rose did jack

    i will fall into the icy water and sink to the bottom and be forgotten

    that feels weird



  106.  #106alias girl on June 19, 2009 at 4:37 am

    when i feel really really bad sometimes i say i feel Awful.

    i feel awful when someone i love demeans me/calls me names/ attacks my self esteem by calling me names.
    i don’t want to feel awful.
    i don’t want to feel scared of being kicked out on the street.
    i feel frozen when i get scared.
    i feel misunderstood.
    i feel financially supported and i feel grateful for that. i dont want to take advantage of people. i don’t want to be financially dependent on anyone and i feel bad that i still am.

    etc. some i made up out of the blue so may not be applicable.



  107.  #107Cassandra on June 19, 2009 at 7:51 am

    Linda……I feel so so happy about your mall experience! THAT IS HUGE HUGE HUGE!!! Celebrate that!! That really does show a big shift in where you are at and is totally something to be celebrated. As far as the validation thing goes….I feel that most people go thru this journey of learning to not need validation from anyone else but themselves. I personally have NOT gotten to that place yet and even now after being completey isolated and in such a hurtful place I feel absolutely STARVED for validation…love and affection…so i can totally understand what you mean. I also feel that it is just a mtter of some learned it much faster then others. I am one of the ‘others’! LOL I feel so proud of the steps that you have taken and even the strength and courage it took to step back and see that all of these things were not making YOU feel good….YOU were the one to make a change. How aweseom is that?!!! YAYAY!! Sending you a huge hug!!

    Jody…I felt excited that you were going to go and do something for YOU!! YAY! Even that is a huge step forward!! Blood red sounds great by the way! I love red nails….for some reason I only like them on my toes but it looks so pretty on other people! I also felt touched when you said that you ‘should aplogize to yourself’. That statement was big for me and touched me deeply. I loved that.

    Gina and Daria…I too felt intrigues by your money post Daria and by both of your views on following your heart. One thing that I have learned throughout this whole unemployment thing is that I am not at all wired to do something that though I may be good at….I hate. I can’t do it. I feel like I am sinking…standing on quicksand when I was working ‘corporate america’….it was quietly killing me. I feel thankful for my layoff becuase it made me see that. I too got that job because I needed money – that was the ONLY reason I took that joba dn also the ONLY reason that I had my old job where I moved here from…the ONLY reason. What I have experienced though is that….I am layed off….EVERY SINGLE ONE of my needs are met and even if I look back into my past…that has ALWAYS been the case and I KNOW byeond a shadow of a doubt that it will always be the case going forward. Sure I am doing whatever I can to find a job but I am also working equally as hard in CREATING my own path doing something that I love and things are falling more and more into place each and every day. I feel excited and I feel greateful and deeply thankful and I feel giddiness about my future in every way and I have not felt that since right before I moved here….it feels good. I have to follow my heart in everything that I do…even though I get stuck in my head ALOT….I know that in every area of my life it is imperative to and for ME that I follow my heart.

    AG….I loved that suit!! Cute cute cute! I could not wear that one though as I too am too curvy for it but it is really cute! I feel excited about where you are now with things and the strength that I feel from your posts. I remember the post where you felt guilty about buying a little kitchen gadget that you needed and now you are planning what you WILL have!! I feel excited and happy about that.

    Daria…I feel sad about the fact that you don’t have the support that you need from your family. Sometimes I feel like that too but then other times it comes out of nowhere and when I least expect it…that feels good. I wonder if you did use those feeling messages you posted if your family wouldn’t try to support you more?? I remember a post that you shared with us of a big family ‘conference’ that you had and I remember the result being really positive. I feel like perhaps they want to support you but don’t know how….some people are SOOOOOOOO not in tune with how to be there for another human being (can we say Charles?? hee hee)…not that I am saying that you family is anything like him at all…heavens NO! But what if they reallydo want to support you but don’t know how?? I loved the feeling messages you used….they made me feel all warm and close and communicative (like that is ever an issue right? hee hee) I do excited about your future…you and AG….well really everyone here. I feel that all of us that are here are indeed going to have what we want becasue we are all willing to CREATE IT! That feels awesome and exciting to me!! I feel like dancing!

    Speaking of…..guess what I did last night? I went Salsa dancing for the first time in over a year! it felt wonderful! I was kind of nervous because I had not danced in so long but I did not sit down ALL night! I danced with some really awesome dancers and I could still do all of those things that I did before….i felt excited about that. I had so much fun. I am going again tonight. Charles is home today but leaving at 4pm-ish and won’t be home until tomorrow afternoon so i am going to go again this evening and I am already excited about it! I met some really fun people…people that have NOTHING to do with Charles…..this is MY world and he can’t come into it! I feel protective of that. I feel protective of my new acquaintences and my dancing. I don’t want him near it at all. I had the best evening last night that I have had in a very long time…..and my dance card was totally full! I actually had to tell a few men ‘no’ because I was already dancing with someone else! That felt good and when I wanted to come home I had to tell them no because I was leaving. YAY!



  108.  #108Cassandra on June 19, 2009 at 7:56 am

    Charles is home today and is getting on my nerves! He is so so so rude and I see that even more now! Last night, the head of thei Salsa group that i have been a member of but never been to an event met me on the street last night as I was walking to the club..he gave me a big hug and walked me in there, introduced me to a whole bunch of new people including the manager of the club and all of the staff, bought me something to drink, gave me a tour of the whole place and then asked me to dance. Charles never even introduces me to friends of his – I have always had to introduce myself. I wish he was not home. I feel irritated by him being here…I feel that he is in MY space and disrupting MY routine. I feel frustrated with him interrupting my week. I feel excited taht I feel frustrated with him interrupting my week! He wants me to do all of this stuff for the mortgage which I will but he is in my way today and it feel intrusive to me. I feel dislike for him right now. I see him differently. I look closely at him now and see something so different than I once did.



  109.  #109Cassandra on June 19, 2009 at 7:58 am

    I am so totally sidetracked right now…I found another suit that I think is so so cute……

    http://www.thisnext.com/item/E3DCC4AA/Pinup-Girl-Retro-Swimsuit

    I could totally wear this one but not in white. I am so fair you wouldn’t know where the suit started and ended except for the polka dots! LOL



  110.  #110Nikita on June 19, 2009 at 9:30 am

    Cassandra,

    this suit is really cute too ๐Ÿ™‚ why can’t you wear it? Pale skin can look beautiful against pale pink. Milk and roses ๐Ÿ™‚ I feel really happy reading about you going dancing, I bet your vibe changed big-time! Salsa dancing feels like circular dating on steroids! Haha; that was a joke but not. Did you laugh? I feel insecure imagining you not laughing. Hehe. I feel you laughing ๐Ÿ™‚
    yay you for following your bliss!

    AG,
    I felt very drawn to the swimsuit you picked out too ๐Ÿ™‚
    I feel so happy that the ladies responded to the virtual beach party we have going on!

    xxxnikita



  111.  #111Linmayu on June 19, 2009 at 9:36 am

    Gina, I absolutely LOVE your vision of the life you want. That’s the life I want too, only substitute pretty dresses for the alcohol and weed. ๐Ÿ˜€ But, between school and work, I am working my FUCKING ASS off to get ahead in the world instead. I told my boss I wanted to step down from my new position, because I was dreading coming to work every day, and she said HELL NO. In fact, God also said HELL NO–because I am to use this job as an opportunity to explore the way it triggers me and the scared feelings it brings up in me, not to run away from them. Plus, if I can be soft there, I can be soft ANYWHERE.

    I’m also loving the swimsuit discussion, especially picturing how gorgeous Cassandra is with that fair skin and red hair and curvy figure. I first picked this one out for myself but it isn’t really me:

    http://www.pinupgirlclothing.com/cherrybikini.html

    I decided I needed something more exotic, so I found this one on Victoria’s Secret and it’s perfect–provided it covers my ass. xD

    http://tinyurl.com/kwetfs

    I think I will buy it. The only swimsuit I have is this black one piece from Sportmart that my sister gave me because it didn’t fit her right. It’s not at all sexy (though it does have the advantage of not coming off when I dive). I haven’t actually been in the water for years but this year I’m going to hit the beach! ๐Ÿ˜€



  112.  #112Nikita on June 19, 2009 at 9:52 am

    Gina,

    how cute!!!!!!! I feel so in love with the spirit of your business model. You look like a Shape magazine covergirl ๐Ÿ™‚ I used to have subscription to that mag. I feel your bravery, soft feminine bravery. I looooooooove your hair!!!! You have Greek godessy hair. A really masculine guy feels right to me for you; he’s going to have to protect you from all the men that are going to try and steal you away from him ๐Ÿ™‚ haha- I feel them competing for you!
    I feel charmed ๐Ÿ™‚

    Nikita xxx



  113.  #113Nikita on June 19, 2009 at 10:11 am

    Daria- I loved the money post



  114.  #114gina on June 19, 2009 at 10:37 am

    Thank you Nikita! I feel grateful and supported. I also feel exposed! yikes. my name and my body and my whole self is just out there (here) and before, I felt so safe and anonymous. I also feel more ownership of where I’m headed, though. I feel even more excited to see it through.



  115.  #115tinque on June 19, 2009 at 10:41 am

    Hey alias girl. Yes I have a new site and soon, next week I hope, (there’s just so much, and I need help with it) I will be putting up a sales page for all the potions I make from my garden, face and body, medicinals/tinctures, and flower remedies. Quite honestly and unbiasedly, my face and body stuff is awesome. I’ve been in this business a loooong time and am very, very picky. All 100% organic, grown by me and my K, lovingly blended and bottled by me too.I came up with some great formulas, (that’s what I do, smoosh on faces, a specialized technique that tones and tightens the face with massage and acupressure as well as alchemizing in my kitchen.)
    As for the pics, I’m the little one in the blue sweater with the red flower. The big guy, my partner is my man, K. Check out #56, 266,309,318.
    I forget who put up the pinup couture link, but I love it. Wish I had some money to buy. Love the dresses, shoes, all of it really.
    Linda – beautiful – “when you reach the point where you can tell someone how you feel and release the outcome of itโ€ฆ”
    xxoo



  116.  #116Jody on June 19, 2009 at 12:33 pm

    Cassandra,
    what ever problems Charles has, its his not yours!!! Just dance and feel alive!!!



  117.  #117Jody on June 19, 2009 at 12:43 pm

    Linda,
    I heard once, beauty is what beauty does!!! so walk with ur head high!! my Grandmother had the best advice…
    “Remember whenever you walk into a room, that there is always someone who likes what that see, and wants what you have!!” validate yourself for being alive, for being soft hearted, loving, and damn hot!!!!



  118.  #118Cassandra on June 19, 2009 at 12:51 pm

    Nikita….thanks! I loved reading your post…it felt uplifting to me so thank you for that gift!
    ๐Ÿ™‚ I would love to wear a suit that color but I get washed out and it doesn’t look great on me. I loved when you said that Salsa is like circular dating on Steroids!! Too funny but in a way it is true! I did feel great last night and am going again this evening…..can’t wait. going thru the ‘what to wear dilemma’ but I ‘ll figure it out. Cn’at wait to be back on the dance floor. I got an email from one of the instructor’s from last night – I had danced with him 1 time all night during the social – after class and he had me doing all ofthat stuff that I didn’t think I could do anymore…..anyway he sent me this fabulous email telling me that it is so good to have me back on the scene which I didn’t get at all…it turns out that we had indeed danced before!! He had danced with me when I lived in the DC area before moving here for Charles! I felt kind of bad that I didn’t remember him but he said he was just so happy that I am here now. he said in his email that even though I had not danced in over a year and he knew I felt kind of ‘rusty’ …he told me that I was one of the most graceful and effortless dancers he had ever danced with and then at the end of his email he told me that ‘I rock’. That felt really good to hear…it really did. In my world there has been nothing but tear downs and insults no matter how craftily they are woven into ‘jokes’ so gosh did it ever feel great to hear wonderfuk things spoken about me even coming from someone that knows nothing of me other than my dancing.

    Thanks Jody for your post! He has been on my nerves all day long. he just left for work and won’t be back until tomorrow afternoon sometime. Right before he left I told him that I needed to tell him something and I told him that I am feeling deserately unloved, unwanted and undesirable. He stopped waht he was doing and asked me if there was anything that he could do to fix it and I know I should have taken advantage of that opportunity to be totally and completely authentic but I didn’t…i shut down. I just looked at him directly in the eye with tears starting to flow and I told him you should get going…traffic will be getting heavier and you can beat it if you leave now. I feel angry that I did not do what I feel that i should have but on the other hand that would be like trying to befriend a pet cobra…..no matter what you are still gonna get bit!

    Gina….you are beautiful! Absolutely beautiful! To me..when I read your posts I feel a deepl sense of compassion and love for others coming from you. When I went to your site it was written all over your face and your site!! I feel that you are not only a true true gift here but also to each and every one of those girls..even the ones that you will never even know that you touch. I feel that GOD is indeed using you in a big way!

    Tinque….I can’t wait to see the new site!
    Love to all….
    xoxo



  119.  #119Jody on June 19, 2009 at 12:56 pm

    Daria,
    no matter how much $ you make, its never enough! Success is what you define it! and its not in a paycheck! its in personal satisfaction. be grateful u dont have to sell yourself to the devil, to feed 5 boys!!! lol!!!



  120.  #120Daria on June 19, 2009 at 1:55 pm

    Thank you Jodi. That felt really helpful right now. And I am very grateful I don’t have to sacrifice my self esteem or do things I don’t want to do to survive.



  121.  #121Nikita on June 19, 2009 at 2:12 pm

    Oooh Cassandra ………
    you did GREAT telling Charles how you feel. It felt so true. It feels completely in sync with your posts here about the two of you. I feel you when you say unloved. I feel that and I feel moved to cuddle you like kitten and love you!

    But!
    when you shut down and start talking about traffic and schedules I feel pushed away. I feel rejected, confused.
    It feels like controlling, or “mothering”.
    It feels like……..run along now Charles, I’ll be fine don’t worry about me, I’m just crying but you being on time is more important than my feelings even if you do seem suddenly interested for a change. I feel like my hands are tied. Haha -I feel hog-tied! But I can’t get up!

    I feel so proud that you had the courage to look at him with wet eyes and express you! I felt a huge breakthrough between you. I feel your softness on the outside. But Rori says in the book about telling him what to do,or advising a man is attempting to control the moment. Cassandra please be open to Charles surprising you. I felt surprised. I feel like the world fell away for him in that moment and he was hypnotized by your vulnerability! I feel; yayy!!! Progress!!! When I want to cry, or say stuff at a tough time for my man I express my feeling about feeling pressured because of time restraints. ” I feel uncomfortable going into it when I know you have to go to work now, I’d feel better waiting until a moment that is more relaxed for both of us”. My sweetie usually says work can wait ( he’s his own boss tho ) or he says “ok baby feel better and you can tell me when I get home;we shall finish this then:)”…….and yes he does smile. I am not perfect but I feel compelled to share with you because he(Charles) will be coming home from work so you can finish war you started expressing. I feel faith in Charles, to at least be a messenger and help you with this practice. The opportunity is still here to create something good and for both of you to grow. I am all about loving the one we are with even if we know it’s only temporary or not our ideal. Look to his better side; like- hey! At least he goes to work! Instead of mooching off of his woman! Yay for Charles he’s gainfully employed! I am not defending his less than stellar behavior in the past but in order for you to feel safe enough to open your heart, I feel it important to keep his divinity in mind as well as yours. Tender hug (squeeze) you did great! Baby steps.
    And now for the super good news! You feel good dancing!!! And it’s been over a year!!!! (gasp)! Wow, that makes last night extra special and huge. I feel incredible knowing you’re re-entering your own community. I love it. I feel my heart screaming!
    ( I’ve taken tango classes) dance is so much about self expression and you expressed beauty, confidence and grace; according to that instructor guy. He sounds like the kind of man that knows how to treat a lady ๐Ÿ™‚ a follow up e-mail! With more compliments ๐Ÿ™‚ feels good to me. He feels like my angel right now taking care of my sweet Cassandra :). ( yeah, I feel possessive sometimes) I can’t help it, I feel super maternal towards women so; oh well. But, I feel really good about you dancing more and more…..it feels magical to me. I feel only a little jealous because my salsa is …………mmmmmmm…….no comment. But dancing does feel stronger on the inside, and we have to be soft on the outside when we dance just to stay fluid with our partner. I feel good things coming your way. Good vibes, good people, and Good times, Cassandra; good times.
    Wardrobe; I’d wear what feels good, what feels like making me dance. What feels comfortable and feminine. Yayy! Dancing Queen!!!!!!
    Having the time of your life, you can dance, you can fly …..
    Nikita xxxxx

    Now I feel corny singing on a blog-ok
    Dancing Queen ! Yay!



  122.  #122Nikita on June 19, 2009 at 2:16 pm

    Rrrrrrrrr

    Cassandra I meant; finish what you started, I made a typo ๐Ÿ™



  123.  #123Ann on June 19, 2009 at 3:49 pm

    Hello ladies,

    WARNING this might be long, I’ll probably ramble, and I don’t feel they’ll be much softness to it. I FEEL angry, tired, disquisted(sp), vulnerable. My nasty voice is saying if you say everything your feeling some of them are going to think your mean, you’re not a good person. Part of me wants to scream “I DON’T GIVE A DAMN” but that’s not true I do care but I just need to get some of this out of me. And for the most part I feel safe here, and when I don’t feel safe I know it’s my insecurities but at least noone can point at me as I walk down the street and say there goes that mean bitter women.

    At this moment, and I KNOW it will pass, but it hurts right now. I feel I have a black hole that sometimes opens up and tries to suck me back down it again. I have fought to sOOOOOOO hard to climb out of this black hole and stay out of it.

    We talk about speaking from our hearts, being authenic. My heart has a zipper on it, by being here I’ve been able to slowly unzip it. I felt I had it about half way unzipped. But in the last few months life has hit, hard. For the most part I’ve done good. STOP IT you’re going back in your head ramble damn it let it out.

    In the past couple of weeks I feel like I’ve been kicked in the stomach and my heart stepped on. But I didn’t quit I kept looking for ways to help myself and my family. I’ve spoke in feeling messages. I’ve cried. I read the book Nikita show me. I was implamenting things I’m learning in it.

    But today parts of my body hurt, I don’t feel worth a damn and my husband is being a DICKHEAD yeah I said that. I know he has a rare benign tumor. I also know there’s no telling how long it has been there. I know that myself, daughter and granddaughter are the only ones who’ve been with him day in & out through this.

    The anger I feel is causing my body parts that hurt, to hurt more ughhhhhh.

    My black hole-I’ve used all the self help I could find to help heal from child abuse, the scars that left showed up in adulthood. I developed severe panic attacks which resulted in agoraphobia. For almost a year and half I didn’t leave my home no further than front porch. I didn’t have a computer then. I found out about a 12 step program help myself with it, I found pen-pals who share their journey we helped each other.

    One day I found my “determined anger.” I was SICK of this fear. I took a small picture I had of Jesus I looked at it and said “you can either help me or kill me but I can’t stand anymore of this” I went out my door and down the street my hubby came behind me he said what are you doing? I said “I can’t stand anymore of that house this is as far as I can go today but tomorrow I’m getting in the car and you’re taking me riding as far as I want to go.” The next day I rode 10 blocks but I went riding each day increasing the distance each day. I haven’t been there since. I took a vow I’d never let a human being put me in that predicament again. God might but people WON’T.

    My husband shut down through this, he physically supported me some but he didn’t give me the emotional support I needed. He didn’t even want me to comfort one of my abusers but I did anyway.
    I’m not blaming I’m stating facts. He’s not had a easy life either. But that’s no excuse to leave everything to me.

    As alot of you know I”M here to improve me, I’m not looking to improve my relationship with my husband. I’m tired, I’ve tried for years to explain to him how his withdrawal, no emotional support, always asking for sex makes me feel. So as I improve myself, if he catches on and works on him and the sparks come back good, if not then it wasn’t meant to be.

    I often say I can identify with some of you. Cassandra I KNOW how it feels to feel stuck by circumstances. I also KNOW it can take awhile to get where we want to be. I feel you getting there. Daria I KNOW that feeling of not being good enough because I’m not making my own money or enough of it. Alias Girl I KNOW that feeling of being outspoken and often misunderstood. I can indentify with so many things here.

    I just unzipped my heart and showed you all a VERY small part of my black hole. I felt I needed to let it out some today. I feel we all have our black holes, some may be deeper than others but they all contain pain and fear. That we can overcome if hold each others hands. And believe in ourselves along that way.

    I just practice a tool I learned years ago “Write yourself well”. I do feel some better even tho I’ll probably cry when I post this. I feel I’ll wonder will they feel ill of me? I’ll wonder should I have told all that? Does anyone ccare? I feel my nasty voice is trying to keep me from posting this but I’m going to hit post if it’s not supposed to come through it won’t.



  124.  #124alias girl on June 19, 2009 at 4:01 pm

    i feel soooooooooo sad. and persecuted. damn this is family stuff. antagonism,persecution and then denial is what i felt coming at me as a child. i am learning new ways. i feel less reactive and passvie aggressive. but i feel soooooooo sad and alone right now. ๐Ÿ™

    i feel sooooooooo grateful to be seeing emily today.

    i wish i had my teddy bear right now.



  125.  #125alias girl on June 19, 2009 at 4:11 pm

    aww ann i just saw you post after i posted. must be some healing fairy dust in the air cuz i just got hit with a doozy as well. hahah that language hit with a doozy sounds like my mother. ew.

    ann i feel honored to witness the unzippering of your heart and your slwoly healing your black hole. i do not feel threatened or triggered by you sharing your feelings. i feel admirable of you and your goddess journey.

    all of the goddesses on their journey. i feel admirable of people’s honesty and willingess and openess and empathy and sharing. i feel grateful and blessed. i could Not have moved forward without rori’s tools and programs and energy and blog. i was just frozen and stuck and reactive and defensvie and lots of stuck kinds of things before. now i am in the glorious soup of life and alive and feeling and learning. i feel grateful.



  126.  #126gina on June 19, 2009 at 4:56 pm

    Cassandra thank you very much – I feel very uplifted by your compliment.
    Ann, you don’t seem bitter and angry to me. By opening up, you seem strong and determined. And like you said, we all have our black holes, so to witness someone having the courage to acknowledge theirs and explore it is a little bit of a relief, to be honest. I feel for your suffering, but I am grateful for the honest expression of where you are coming from. It sounds like you’re in a tough spot – your feelings are in perfect accord with where you are. I wish you peace in accepting whatever feelings you have. Even the unpleasant feelings. However, I totally relate to the experience of feeling self conscious about expressing honestly on here. However, I’ve learned that is exactly the kind of risk that leads to healing. I realized that a real “risk” is to be completely true to myself – getting out of my comfort zone of trying to conform to what I think others expect.



  127.  #127Ann on June 19, 2009 at 5:30 pm

    Alias Girl and Gina thank you for your kind words. I’m glad I was able to unzip a little. What I shared above was the beginning of my climb out of my black hole. That was 17 years ago. That’s one of the reasons I feel so frustrated with my husband. He’s seen where I came from. I’ve went from dealing with the after effects of child abuse, to couldn’t leave my home, to still not being able to stay alone, to healing, to going where I please, to being able to be alone. Now I’m actively working harder on my self esteem, to being vulnerable, soft but not a pushover and trying to figure out a way to support me.

    I feel NO PERSON is a island. We all need others. My husband just asked me a few minutes ago to if I’d fill out some papers for him. I looked at him like duh and NO I didn’t use feeling messages and said I’m not feeling anything out for you today. He got huffy and said I didn’t ask you today I ask would you? My reply was I don’t know. He left the room.

    He had the nerve to want me to do something for him after he flat refused to help me earlier. I feel pissed off about that. I’m not helping his happy ass with shit today. He’s one of those guys that slipped through the cracks in school. He didn’t learn to read well. But you know what he was being tutored for a little bit as a adult and didn’t apply hisself. Thereforth, I don’t feel sorry for him. I can’t imagine not wanting to know how to read. And I don’t think it’s embrassment he has no problem telling people he can’t read well.

    I believe everyone can improve theirselve, sure we have to find what works for us but we have to look too and then work at it.

    I’ve learned I stayed too much in my masculity always wanting to “fix” things for those I care about. I feel very tired of trying to “fix” everything.

    I have a tough guy persona but I’m working on releasing my real feminine self. I’m realizing therein lies true power.

    Just unzipped a little further.



  128.  #128alias girl on June 19, 2009 at 5:50 pm

    i feel honored and moved by your unzippering ann. i feel overwhelmed and worn out but all my feelings in the last twenty four hours on all fronts both good and bad feelings. i feel sleepy. yet soft. i felt soo scared to share my feelings in all those situations but i did it. whatever i feel now, whatever the consequences or reesults i feel confident they will be healthier and more loving than my old way of passive aggressive and holding it in and THEN TRYING TO ACT NICE AS A TOP LAYER. omgbarf.

    i love my old ways of surviving. those defesnes developed to keep my alive and safe and i acknowledge that and i feel appreciative and loving ofr all my parts even my undeveloped ways of being.

    i feel so freaking teary. ugh. i feel tired of all this FEELING. ๐Ÿ™‚

    i feel grateful i am feeling and not frozen. tears and homocidal rage DO feel better than being frozzen. i feel interested in learning fabulous ways of proceesing through such BIG FEELINGS.

    i feel very very very happy to be leaving work for today.



  129.  #129Tina on June 19, 2009 at 5:58 pm

    Ann, Your cool, just keep doing what your doing. I feel funny/happy to hear your story lol dickhead. I called my man/boyfriend a girly man lol he looked suprised he said ” A whaaa?.” I said a Girly Man”. He laughed, I said I feel turned off. We got in bed I said “I feel turned off, He said “im tired” so I figured I’ll get some sleep or stay up or whatever. A few minutes maybe five he started to “fondle” me lol. Oh ya know what happened next lol. I want to take that part back about calling him a Girly Man. lol. I told him how I felt earlier that day about this weekend anyway thats another story.



  130.  #130Tina on June 19, 2009 at 6:02 pm

    After girly man name calling , today he took me out to eat, bought me a shorts to go canoeing in ( i have some) I said I would cook, he said no Ill get something at the store, “oh and would you like a move tonight?”mm sure I said. He also thougtht I “needed” a fan. lol. Men are funny creatures.



  131.  #131Tina on June 19, 2009 at 6:05 pm

    I feel kinda bad calling him a girly man now lol should I apoligize ?. lol , He said “how can you call me a girly man, I work hard all week?. I said no its not that. He seemed amused by this. oh i dont know…should I shouldnt I?. Now



  132.  #132Tracy on June 19, 2009 at 10:42 pm

    Ann,
    I feel so inspired by your post…..I feel that you have really made a huge breakthrough and i feel hopeful about discovering more and more about myself……I see now that this is a journey and i need to be patient with myself….Thanks for letting me see that.



  133.  #133alias girl on June 19, 2009 at 11:51 pm

    i feel a deep desire to release my past. i know it is possible because some parts of my past aren’t still activated and running my life. but some parts are and i feel a deep desire and willingness to do whatever it takes, experience or feel whatever i need to feel in order to release these negatives blocks and reactions i still have.

    i feel in the dark. i don’t know how to have fulfulling relationships with people. i don’t know how to. i don’t know how to not be triggered when i am

    1)mocked
    2)antagonized willfully and purposefully

    my first reaction i feel attacked and Threatened. i feel unsafe in a life and death manner. my reaction is so overblown (is it?)

    then i feel Vengeful and vindictive (in what also feels like a life or death manner.) when someone tries to make me the PROBLEM by antagonizing me so that in my childhood i was like the feeling person in the family it felt like. so i could be manipulated to get angry or sad or irritated or combative. i had no greater awareness as a child. i just ping ponged to all these reactive emotions. then when i got older i just went numb so as not to feel like the big joke. omg. i feel triggered. i feel sad. i feel such tension in my head. and tears and a tight throat and my face Itches.argh.i just want to scratch my face off. why? i feel curious about this scratching my face off business



  134.  #134alias girl on June 20, 2009 at 12:09 am

    posted more but it disappeared. like people were all riveted, i’m sure.

    ohh what happens next? does she or doesn’t she scratch her face off? oh my how can i continue on not knowing.



  135.  #135Nikita on June 20, 2009 at 12:55 am

    What happens to her face????? I feel very curious? Was it a mosquito? Is she ok? I was riveted but I guess I’ll go to sleep:(



  136.  #136gina on June 20, 2009 at 1:02 am

    Alias girl you crack me up. I am totally with you on the feeling incapable of relationships and feelings stuck in old patterns business. Although my smarter self knows better about the both of us. But I do get so triggered. I want to improve at being assertive without being an outright B-word. Tonight, at work, a woman wanted to sit where I’m not supposed to let her sit. I gently let her know, and she started fuming about “the god_____ chair” that she wanted to sit in. And I said “I’m not going to stand here and be abused by you, so I’ll go get my manager.” And I’m pretty sure I used my finger for emphasis. Not my middle one! But my pointer finger did make an appearance. My reaction was a little premature, I think. I totally coulda been compassionate and reasonable with her in a way that woulda calmed her down. Actually, I was a little extreme with some kids at my other job this morning. It’s like I’m in defensive “you WILL respect me” mode. And, at first, I feel vindicated, but then later, I feel like a small person.
    When guys passed me tonight, I tried to allow for eye contact rather than throw up a big wall right away. It was pretty successful and made me realize that I could make major progress by slightly adjusting how I receive the attention of strangers. Major mondo progress. Which would be great, cause I spend SO much time thinking about this guy that I haven’t seen IN A YEAR. And he isn’t in contact with me. To torture myself, I check out his Myspace page sometimes. I never got to know him too well before he moved across the country, but I fell for him hard!! Within the first five minutes of talking with him, he said he isn’t available for love (awful divorce). Now, there’s this other girl that I noticed on his myspace – they are obviously close, but I see him communicating to her that he isn’t available for love, and she is trying to change his mind. Her entire page is dedicated to reasons to let yourself love. I feel all weird about it: relieved that he’s consistent, but also jealous, and scared. And a little betrayed by my own self for even looking. He’s just sooooo funny and smart and big and adorable. I just love him to little pieces. I feel sad. I feel silly even saying this about this guy who is unavailable and gone, but it just occupies so much of my mind, that I just wanna get it out. Ugh. Why am I teary about this?? It’s amazing how my mind holds on to this story that has nothing to do with my reality. God grants me the strength to focus on the here and now. I am attracting a big strong adorable, adoring man Now. Thank you for the adorable man coming my way.



  137.  #137gina on June 20, 2009 at 1:21 am

    Tina, I feel conflicted about the question of whether to say sorry. On the one hand, if it bugs you, seems like you ought to say “I feel bad for calling you a girly man. I respect you, and I’m sorry I said that.” On the other hand, bringing it up somehow seems to be emasculating all over again. I also am imagining an option of being super lighthearted about it, and then giving him a big dose of warmth and appreciation – but that seems like strategy. I am interested to know what others think. It sounds like he didn’t hold on to it – he sounds like he’s taking good care of you. Doesn’t sound like he needs the apology – is it possible for you to just learn from the experience and move on? Or do you feel tension in the air?



  138.  #138gina on June 20, 2009 at 2:21 am

    Nikita,
    I love your spirit. And i admire that you love the one you’re with. I tend to be like “Hmmm. He’s pretty smart. Cute mouth, cute nose, nice arms. Big strong chest. Yummy…Oh wait…He wears clothes that I don’t like/is into strip clubs/drinks too much alcohol/has a bizarre relationship with his family/has opposing political views/is at a different point in his life/has relationship baggage/has no education and no ambition/parties too hard?? Deals off. He’s obviously not “The One” so I will now go back to my imaginary relationship with Mr.Unavailable, who I am convinced is, indeed, The One.” So when you love the one you’re with, do you feel like you are settling?? I seriously have no concept. Even though I admire it, and I imagine that you have these sexy, high-quality men that you’ve connected with to create fulfilling relationships that made sense during whatever period of life you were in, even if they weren’t in it for the long haul, I have always just had this overwhelming feeling of claustrophobia any time a guy wants a relationship. I tend to lose respect for the guy. I tell myself it’s just cause they aren’t the right “One.” When you’re loving the one you’re with, you aren’t feeling like they are cramping your style??



  139.  #139Daria on June 20, 2009 at 4:05 am

    I am magic medicine woman. And since I can make everything happen I choose to melt down these obstacles like disease and prisons and death. I feel like it is very important to me that all the people I love feel safe and happy. I feel worried that this is not my ‘divine right’ because people have been dying due to injustice and disease in all the books ive had to read in highschool and before. And no one could do anything about it they just had to suffer. Hence I will have to continue to watch the ppl I love suffer and thus suffer also… this feels bad in a very sinky feeling in the tummy-gime another world – kinda way… can i pick the one where we’re happy? thank you…

    i would like to be able to make the changes I want miraculous as they may be… I ask that I can open gates and change fate and do the incredible things that the people in books and life that suffered didn’t get to do… I ask to be blessed and I ask to be magic and to feel and love and really be powerful to that extent that I can change even this feeling of totality and utter impossibility like huge gates of iron… i want them to fly open for me… sounds like a matter for divine intervention and i ask for it… i want all my problems to be solved and my worries to discontinue coming true like unyielding statistics… i ask for what seems like the weight of the pain of the world to magically change and feel good free set aright… even when i feel afraid to imagine it i know a part of me inside is imagining it, is not afraid to imagine it or to have it and i honor that part and i ask for angels help to have it come true for that part of me thank you.



  140.  #140Tracy on June 20, 2009 at 4:54 am

    Ann,
    i have been struggling with my anger and trying to feel it as well as understand the reason behind it.I feel that most of the time I feel angry because of my limiting beliefs about myself and the external party is just a trigger to my anger….please check out this link and see if it helps http://lynneforrest.com/blog/2009/06/16/learning-to-love-ourselves/comment-page-1/#comment-4297…It has really helped me focus more on myself and each time i feel angry and frustrated about myself,i analyze the problem from within and i have discovered that most of the time all i need to do is change my beliefs about myself and love myself just alit bit more….Hugs.



  141.  #141Linda on June 20, 2009 at 7:07 am

    Jody I am sending you a big warm smile and a hug. Beauty is… period. Your grandma was a wise woman. Sounds like she had reached the point in her life where we all need to be. Chunks of wisdom come from people that have made a journey and reached a point in life where they “own” that piece of truth and offer it to others to have as well.

    Lots of the men have dated or are now in my current rotation all have some value but none are what I know I need. I am keeping in mind too that not one man or relationship will be able to meet every need I have. I am just looking for most and the most important ones to me to be met. I feel that having the relationship I want needs to be realistic too.

    Disapointment with the way things have worked out for us is simply disapointment. It is not failure or an end. Disappointment is simply an indicator that you were hopeful for something other than what you got or what happened. soo…..

    I am pressing onward. I know what I need, what is important and there is no turning back…. I am going to be fierce and stay committed to myself. In that, hope is generated to face the dissapointment and continue to move toward your goal. If there are people and things in your life that dont line up or serve you i.e. relationship, job…. either work on them, change them, or let them go! There is nothing worse than trying to make a round peg fit into a square hole.

    Here is something I was challanged with…. “Be what you desire in a partner”… you will be magnetic and attract them to you…. sounds like alot less work than I have been doing lately. I think I will be me and let “him” win me!

    Hugs to you… Linda



  142.  #142gina on June 20, 2009 at 10:26 am

    Linda, I like your take on “disappointment” – feels liberating. I also like your description of how we “own” certain lessons. Very true. I’m grateful to Rori and all the women on here for sharing wisdom.



  143.  #143Nikita on June 20, 2009 at 1:11 pm

    Hi Gina ๐Ÿ™‚

    mmmm…..loving the one you’re with. This feels big and heavy to me. My brain feels a little sluggish today so this might take me a few posts. This fees like a really big question to me.
    ok first, an expose’
    The one I’m with is sober. I feel more turned on by him when he wears a suit or nice shirts, alas he’s happier in a tshirt and jeans.
    His view on strip clubs; they’re whores and it’s all B.S., he’s frustrated with the lie they perpetuate and much more focused on making money and keeping it than throwing it at a woman that he thinks is a whore. Again I feel like this is because he’s not a drinker. He might have a beer at a b-day party but he’s a lightweight and after two he feels out of control/fuzzy and basically detests drunks. I feel really good about that. It makes me feel safe. I feel fortunate.
    that being said, I love wine and ordering a bottle with dinner. I dated a dreamy Italian American guy-and I mean Dreamy!!!!
    I felt like I was in a romantic French movie at dinner with him. He ordered wine and ordered my food, served me and sometimes fed me niblets of things to try. Dreamy! He wore suits, opened doors and pursued. I felt magical and sexy and completely doted on(sigh) I miss him ๐Ÿ™ but he drank too much, he didn’t need meetings but I felt uncomfortable with a man that would have two martinis at the bar Before we ordered wine which we always did. My little liver felt overwhelmed! It felt like too much of a good thing. So though he loved his family, seemed serious about me, and had a great career and an even better 10 year plan, was meeting all of his goals I felt like mmm I don’t want a husband like that. I felt sad he was beautiful a really good guy that was keeping chivalry alive. I felt longing for my caveman in the tshirt who has no clue what a sancerre is or a tempranillo and could care less about the difference between wines. I felt like the caveman was a better protector all-around even if he didn’t look like he stepped out of heaven as an angel faced dreamboat ๐Ÿ™‚

    So back to loving the one we are with. I dumped a guy and I said; I love you too much to be with you. I don’t want to give you what you deserve, I can’t. So I let go. I let go in a loving way. I respected his heart and his time. I still call him every year for his birthday. He proposes, I say no and I feel comfortable being on good terms with him. Was he perfect? Hell no. Not even dreamy. But I was with him, we fought, I wanted to get rid of him( we lived together) so I decided to love him( in a friendly spiritual way) and throw him back into the pond ๐Ÿ™‚ I had another lover; terror really! Jealous, insecure, toxic. I felt very sad with him but I could not get rid of “us”, so I focused on really loving the lessons he taught me, I loved that we tried, and tried and failed but I felt love. I felt; you know we do love eachother and I feel so sad that we just can’t get along but I want you to find a woman that’s going to love you and relate to you in a way that you’re comfortable. I didn’t feel like that girl was me. Then finally, we freed each other. I felt so relieved! I felt terrible and tortured with him, but that torture was also there because I felt like he was the one so I KEPT trying. Yuck. I feel yuck. I feel sorry for the years I lost being his girlfriend :(. I feel grateful though as well. That guy taught me everything about what I don’t want, what I won’t accept. After him my number one requirement became how does he treat me; and how does that make me feel? I’d rather be with the chubby bald guy if I’m his princess as opposed to the sexy rock star that kicks my cat and breaks my heart-daily! Thank goodness we have so many more choices than that but I feel like I made my point in the extreme ๐Ÿ™‚

    when we feel love for our bodies, we get empowered to change it. When we feel love and acceptance for our anger we can feel hope to shift it. When we love our hearts( that we are always with) we feel brave enough to tune in to what it’s expressing. We also can choose to love from a distance. I love you-now stay far! I feel greater love for the men as I stay away( if they’re toxic) I feel that loving is easier than resisting. I feel when I resist I get more of the same. So, no I do not feel like I’m settling, I feel like I’m making room for something better ๐Ÿ™‚ I don’t feel love=committment. I love gelato! I don’t feel like committing to it everyday though. I feel I can love someone and not be with them, but I can love them now and learn what I need to learn about me and why I attracted them to begin with. I feel like if I want to change my butt and make it perkier ๐Ÿ™‚ I have to love it the way it is, or else I feel like my butt becomes the enemy ๐Ÿ™‚ my butt is not the enemy! I love my butt, I feel cuddly looking at my butt, I’m with my butt and my butt is changing in response to my love. I feel faith without fear. Since I love my butt either way I don’t feel threatened by it disobeying me and not looking as good in a bikini as it did when I was younger/stronger. I feel like; I love either way I love it perky or soft, so now I don’t feel pressure, I feel inspired.
    Btw-anyone who saw my butt would call me crazy, I have a great little butt, but I’d like it to be perfect/breathtaking and honestly it could be in three weeks if I could just do a lunge or a few ballet moves. But I love it now, so no pressure ๐Ÿ™‚

    I hope that answers the question
    Nikita xxx



  144.  #144Tina on June 20, 2009 at 2:04 pm

    Gina,
    You are so right on, I felt I was losing my respect I feel for him . A situation came up, where I wanted to take off for the weekend and make some money. I talked to him about it and he didnt say anything. Our situation started with the fish. I thawed out some fish for the both of us to eat, he then calls and says he did the same thing. I feel since we live seperately – these things happen. I was feeling irritated since his phone call from his job site – to begin with. I waited by the phone for about 3 hours, I was feeling to go online and check my email for confirmation about the weekend. An art gallery gift shop wanted a few things from me – turns out I didnt go at all. I asked his opinion on the weekend , I told him it would mean we wouldnt see each other until the following weekend. He gave the impression that he didnt care if I came or went. I felt frustated by this and continued to tell him how I felt. I said I feel frustated that your saying anything. I feel angry at myself for even bringing it up. I feel stuck. thats when I called him a girly man. I was on the verge of just saying “you know fck it, I’m going see ya later” thats when we went out for coffee.

    I have the same opprotunity next week, this time in the next town, only a 15 minute drive. I have more time to organize for this up coming weekend. I feel resentful before the event even took place.

    I said to him out loud while I was feeling frustated. Why am I even wasting my breath. I would feel happy to go to this event, I am comprising my happiness even asking for your opinion. I would feel even more frustrated and angry knowing that if and when you decide to fall out of my life. I said knowing that is even more frustrating that my “forever and ever man that is waiting for me is being held up” lol. He said “you feel that low of me” I said if I left that low of you I wouldnt ask for your opinion, I would have just left. I said I feel frustrated that I care enough to ask and your not giving me a response.

    He ate his fish at his house, I ate mine at here. The phone calls – at my request – are starting to annoy me. He did mention that was a few events taking place were he is and he was going. I didnt say anything but I felt irriated by this , not because he was going ,more so because Ive been waiting on his phone calls and clearing my schedule around these phone calls. I feel so angry at my waiting. I wasnt feeling prepared for the weekend anyway however I can pack at the last minute and go. I feel annoyed. Im annoyed and angry.



  145.  #145alias girl on June 20, 2009 at 2:04 pm

    i feel filled up reading all these fabulous comments! linda and daria and tracy and gina and nikita!

    my apt is so quiet today. and it is grey outside. and it feels perfect and resting compared to the overload of feeling i had yesterday. i feel so thankful.

    i feel ready to move on from my job. i am putting that out there. i feel ready for my colorful environmanet sans flourescent lighting that feels fulfilling and inspiring and creative. where the atmosphere is cooperative and adult rather than blah. people confer with each other and are respectful of each other.

    i feel calmly ready to move on. in the past it was always a feeling of trying to jump out of the frying pan into the fire thing.

    i just feel i’ve outgrown it. i feel deeply pleased about this feeling. i used to love that it brought out the worst in me so i could heal those parts. now maybe i’d like to be somewhere where the best is allowed to come out and heal in that way. i feel teary. i feel a big swallow in my throat. i feel energy moving in my body that feels like it’s feeding all my organs and inner functioning. i feel a deep inhale of breath.

    i feel so thankful of this quiet resting time. i don’t feel tired like i used to in a depressed way. i feel happily still. i feel teary again.



  146.  #146Cassandra on June 20, 2009 at 2:23 pm

    I am sorry that I am not addressing any other posts right now….I am a day or so behind and want to catch up so that i am up on whats going on with everyone so that i can truly be a support. I apologize that I can’t do that right now. I feel broken right now and absolutely furious. So what’s new right?! (NO one here has ever said that to me….that is totallycoming from me and meant in a sarcastic/ joking way so I feel hopeful that one one will take that the wrong way. ๐Ÿ™‚ ) Charles got home from work a bit ago and all hell broke loose before he was even home. I felthat i can’t take much more of this man..this beast…this terribly toxic…..terribly sick…terribly terribly abusive man. I just can’t. I have4 been getting out there doing things that i love and had an amazing evening last night where I danced had a beautiful dinner and fantastic conversation with an instructor and most of all……I FELT GOOD ABOUT ME! All day today I have been doing my own thing…..I felt sad however that Charles did not call me this morning as he ALWAYS does – he said that he did not want to be on the phone yet he was on the phone all morning with other people. I feel thrown to the curb…not god enough forhim to want to talk to me…I feel so damn unwanted and unloved it hurts throughout my entire body from top to bottom. I feel that I cannot take much more of this. Tomorrow is the big father’s day BBQ and if you remember…I was told that I am more than welcome to stay and eat….then clean up after THEM and then make myself scarce! I cannot even imigine telling another hum being something like that in any given situation whatsoever so you all know that that statement hurt me so so deeply and still does. Today Ifound out that his 22 year old niece is also comign with her baby. This is the same niece that called me after her brother’s graduation to ask me why I was not there as they had a ticket set aside for me yet Charles had lied to me telling me that there was no ticket for me. This is the same situaton. He told me in no uncertain terms that I am UNWELCOME here as I would be the only woman and then I find out that his niece is coming. I had made plans to help a friend with some things tomorrow so that I would not be here and then I get a text from his niece telling me that she can’t wait to see me!! WTF???!!! I have no clue what to do now. Do I stay here and see her? I DO NOT want to subject her to those pigs all day as they will most definitely leave her in the living room all by herself all day long as they sit in the garage drinking all damn day! I know that she will feel alone and bored to tears. I DON”T want that for her. I did however make plans to be somewhere else because I was clearly told that I am NOT welcome here tomorrow! I swear if I had somewhere to go…I would go! ASAP and leave his sorry ass to fend for himself on this damn mortgage! I feelso angry and hurt and decieved yet again and I feel so tired of the CONSTANT belittling and criticism all from a man who cannot even spell ‘HELLO’ correctly! Sorry….didn’t mean to be mean myself there but I feel so damn pissed right now I really could scream. We were supposed to be spending this afternoon/ evening together but he already ate something so now we are not even having dinner together as he promised me. I feel let down again but glad that I can now do my own thing. I need to get out of here! You know….all I wanted was a little time with him but I feel that I am nothing but a bother or a pest to him. He never wants to talk to me on the phone or do stuff like we used to anymore….he supposedly never has money to take me to dinner anymore yet he can go out with the guys in a heartbeat and of course there is money for that and to purchase ribeye steaks for 5 grown men for tomorrow plus his niece but not for me? WTF?! I feel like nothing and that he truly and honestly could NOT care less if I lived or died. I feel hate toward him right now and that feels awful. I can’t stop crying right now and I feel foolish…like Iam crying over a piece of gum on the street so why the hell am I crying. Damnit…..am I asking too much to just want to be loved and belong somewhere?!



  147.  #147alias girl on June 20, 2009 at 2:25 pm

    when i first started learning about manifesting i used my boy energy to be supervigilant about my thoughts and the things i spoke outloud. since i had learned that my outer reality was created by these things.

    then next i used my boy energy to be super vigilant about using feeling messages asap and choosing my words (still working on that more)

    then since iwas able to now express myself using feeling messages and i don’t want statements i was able to be vigilant about NOT AVOIDING situations and instead seeing every situation as a place to practice. even something as small as people on the street or in a shop that weren’t watching where they were going i used to walk far out of the way (or just dead stop) to avoid any interaction. now i see the situation and say in my head: oh a chance to say a polite excuse me.

    then i was practicing gratitude. knowing it is another crucial step in manifesting.

    now i would like to use my boy energy to be vigilant about LETTING GO OF THE NEED TO BE NICE OR WELL THOUGHT OF (puhlease whatever that means to me) and really really be hyperaware of drawing boundaries and SPEAKING UP as soon as possible when i feel bad or mocked or antagonized. only then will i be anywhere near the person eh ehm i mean goddess that i desire to be and am becoming.

    and also i am working on my energy. keep my energy how i like it and not letting other people corrupt it just so they can be distracted from their own bad feelings about themselves by triggering others on purpose

    s

    randsom free floating s .

    if i attempt to delete i could delete this whole pst bc it is from my cell



  148.  #148alias girl on June 20, 2009 at 2:38 pm

    cassandra. i feel good you are moving through your soup. ๐Ÿ™‚ i feel compassion for your pain.

    i personally would take care OF MYSELF. i feel bad neice, i was under the impression you were not going to be there and so made other plans since it seemed like a guy’s kind of day. if i had known i.might not have made other arrangements. definitely let me know next time you are coming because i would love to see you and catch up with you as you know i feel great fondness.

    and then she can decide whether or not she wants to go. we are all free people with free will to make decisions. that is the great crux of being human – free will.

    i feel hopeful tha tomorrow turns out to be a good day no matter what you decide.



  149.  #149Flipper on June 20, 2009 at 4:08 pm

    Alias Girl, I just loved what you wrote for Cassandra, and even more, about your own process. Directing your energy to become aware feels like ‘mindfulness’, that word that’s often bandied about which often throws me (eh, what does that mean again?). I can feel your process and progress through your other posts; this one gives me a clear, succinct version to help me on my own path.

    Ann, I feel every little notch as you undo your zipper is like the ribbon on a precious gift you share with us. I know how much you have worked on yourself and have come so far, and yet you feel it hasn’t been your experience to feel much acknowledgement and appreciation for that, especially from your husband. So at this point, I would say, brava for refusing to do more – more work for him that he hasn’t earned, and more ‘work’ on yourself either. Time for rest and recuperation, self-indulgence for you, and ‘don’t do’ for him. I found with my long-time partner, when I finally just Stopped, even for things I was afraid would be neglected for the kids, he finally, at long last, started taking up the slack. Not always to my full satisfaction, sometimes better than I could have imagined, but at least he was pulling a little more of his weight. For me personally, this was way too late, and I had a similar attitude to yours – no more sparks, but if He good make them happen, well who knows, maybe….but he didn’t and I don’t actually want that any more.

    So you go, Girl, I’m with you all the way, if that means just sitting on your duff or walking out the door or receiving any and all good things he may send your way – it’s all prepaid many times over, so don’t feel bad about not giving anything more “back”.

    Nikita, AG, others – thank you for the lovely things you addressed to me on other threads. I felt all smiley and warm inside, and I want to acknowledge you for that. Hugs, too.



  150.  #150Cassandra on June 20, 2009 at 6:57 pm

    Well…..I ended up going out to dinner with Charles’ Cousins’ soon to be ex wife – she is becoming a good friend. Charles had promised me that this evening was OUR evening…..that WE were going to spend the evening together even if we were home. When he got home from work he was tired or so he said but then he began to do some yard work…how tired was he really? He was just too tired to spend time with ME that’s all! He makes time fore everyone but ME and that feels like I am NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING and that I don’t matter! He told me to go ahead and go do what I wanted to do but what I wanted to do was spend time with HIM! I ended up going to dinner with my friend and we were going to listen to some blues this evening but both of us are wiped out…..I did not sleep hardly at all last night. So we decided after dinner to do the blues another night and I came on home….with the high hopes of spending the rest of the evening with Charles…..he had told me that he would be here all night and look forward to when I got home. Well to my surprise…although I am too stupid to realize that things will never go according to what he promises me……when will I get that? Ayway…I came home to him walking out the door to go out! I told him how hurtful that felt and that it felt as though I don’t matter to him…that he MAKES time for his ‘boys’ but when it comes to me…..he tells me that we will do something together but then at the last minute I get kicked to the curb literally kicked to the curb. I was extremely hurt by this as this was supposed to be OUR night and the only reason that I went out with Kay was because he said that he was going to rest/ do yard work and then relax and be here ‘looking forward to me coming home’. I was shocked to find out that he was going out but I should not have been. Of course I was crying and feeling like a piece of trash and as soon as I began to cry – which is NOT something that I can control that is when he said something like ‘OH….hell..not again…..I should have been gone by the time you got back home!’ That hurt me even more and I was really crying harder at this point and that is when he pushed me and said that this is HIS house…HE pays the mortgage and that he will do whatever the hell HE wants to do and that he was going out! HE kept telling me that he was not going far and would be back home by the time I went to bed. I know he won’t be home until at least 2:30am but he was too tired to spend time with me??? OMG I felt like less than a piece of dirt to be spoken to that way and pushed like that. There was no reason for him to react that way and I was so careful to not say anything else when I began to cry harder…i just had my face in my hands crying because I was at that point afraid of what he would do and sure enough there was good reason for me tobe afraid of him and his actions. I feel like trash….I feel like what in the hell is wrong with ME that he does not want to spend time with ME anymore? What have I don’e wrong? I don’t get it. I have still done everything I can to support him in any way that I can even with all that he has done bad to me. What in the hell is so wrong with me that he does not want to spend time with ME anymore? I came home because I am so so tired and I thought that he would be home as he stated that he would and that I would get home, take my bath and spend the rest of the evening watching TV with him…and relaxing.

    Again…I FEEL LIED TO…I FEEL BETRAYED….I FEEL LIKE I AM NOTHING – FOR HIM TO TREAT ME THIS WAY….I FEEL LIKE I CAN’T DO THIS ANYMORE AND JUST DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO AND HONESTLY I DON’T CARE ANYMORE…I FEELTOTALLY SPENT…..TOTALLY DRAINED AND TOTALLY SUCKED DRY OF ANY OUNCE OF JOY THAT I HAD THIS WEEK ….I FEEL SICK TO MY STOMACH THAT I HAVE BEEN TRYING SO HARD TO TAKE CARE OF ME AND IT MEANS NOTHING! NOTHING IS DIFFERENT AT ALL! i AM STILL NOTHING IN HIS EYES AND I FEEL SO ANGRY THAT I AM TREATED THIS WAY BUT THE WORK THAT I HAVE BEEN DOING IS FOR NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING!!! I FEEL HATE FOR MYSELF RIGHT NOW FOR EVER TRUSTING HIM AND FOR COMING HERE. I FEEL HATE FOR MYSELF FOR EVER EVER EVER TRUSTING A MAN! I FEEL HATE FOR MYSELF FOR GIVING UP MY ENTIRE LIFE FOR LIES AND ABUSE AND DECIET AND MORE ABUSE…NO MATTER WHAT I DO IT IS CRITICISED…..IT IS NEVER GOOD ENOUGH…..I FEEL THAT NOTHING IS GOING TO CHANGE UNTIL I CAN GET OUT OF HERE WHICH IS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN UNTIL I HAVE AN INCOME AND WHO THE HELL KNOWS WHEN THAT WILL BE. I HIT A BRICK WALL EVERY WAY I TURN! WHEN HE PUSHED ME TONIGHT BECAUSE i WAS CRYING ….. THAT HURT SO SO MUCH…AS THOUGH I AM NOTHING. I AM NOTHING ANYMORE. SINCE MOVING HERE…I HAVE BECOME NOTHING AND I DON’T EVEN MATTER! IT IS LIKE I AM INVISIBLE! i DON’T EVEN CARE ANYMORE…I DON’T HAVE ANYMORE CARE LEFT IN ME FOR ME, HIM OR ANYONE ELSE…..I DON’T CARE ANYMORE…I GIVE UP!

    Ihave worked so hard to try to help him keep this house and he told me tonight that he would have kept the house with or without me despite all of the letters that he has received declining him for a mortgage modification. I was the one that fought for help for him and involved the govenor and senator and now they are fighting to help him as well…because of me! With out ME doing all of the paperwork it would not have gotten done because he does not understand any of it and can’t read most of it! YET I am the one he treats like trash! The rest of his family take and take and use and use and I have given somuch to him in spite of what he done to me. I have noticed lately that whenhe is home…he is out dong this that or the other withthe truck or out with the ‘guys’ but refuses to make time for me and it makes me feel like garbage. I feel so so humilated right now adn like I am nothing and WANT TO disappear. OH GOD I JUST WANT TO DISAPPEAR FROM HERE AND BE SOMEWHERE…ANYWHERE WHERE I CAN FUNCTION WITHOUT BEING TORN DOWN LIKE THIS!! I FEEL SCARED ABOUT HIM COING HOME AS HE IS GOING OUT DRINKING WITH THE HUSBAND OF THE LADY I HAD DINNER WITH…HE WILL COME HOME DRUNK AND I KNOW THAT …..HOW DARE I ASK HIM TOCHANGE HIS PLANS TO MEET KEVIN AND HONOR WHAT HE PROMISED ME FOR A CHANGE! HOW DARE I!! i AMMOST DEFINITELY GOING TO PAY FR THIS WHEN HE GETS HOME…I CAN ALREADY FEEL IT COMING!



  151.  #151Daria on June 20, 2009 at 7:35 pm

    Cassandra I feel your frustration and rage.

    I feel worried to post this but what I notice is that YOU ask him to spend time and adjust your plans hoping to see him…

    This is leaning forward and so it feels awful when you feel rejected.

    I know it’s probably hard to do this with him in the same house but please just ignore his schedule and do not ask him to spend time or expect to spend time with him …

    He should have to fight for YOUR time… I know it seems like the man should make time when we ask him and sometimes a man will but asking him to spend time seems very lean forward…

    if he was to cancel a date maybe you can cry/say… i feel awful and disappointed … i expected that we were spending time together and this feels bad…

    except if you really take your focus off him it might not feel quite so bad… maybe you’ll be able to say

    oh i feel so relieved you’re going out because i felt tired and wanted to take a bath anyway… bye!

    and feel that way really…

    i just feel a lot of pressure and holding on and controlling as far as spending time with him goes the way i hear it right now…

    i feel bad hearing you feeling upset and feeling upset at yourself… please don’t make plans with charles anymore and let him beg for your time and express fury/upsetness clearly if he changes those plans…

    and then go do something else more fun

    it sounds like you are finidng lots of fun stuff to do which is great

    btw helping with the mortgage sounds really interesting and awesome (i feel impressed) and also very lean forward… i know your intention is to help but it is really lean forward and Charles probably feels subconciously bad inside from your help… so that may lead to him not appreciating… we think they should appreciate our help but sometimes they don’t… especially when we’re actually leaning forward

    please stop helping him and help you…

    can you use the same incentive and drive you used to involve the governor/ political person in his mortgage to help YOU find a place to stay ??

    PS – I feel worried about him pushing you. I would want to let him know that that doesn’t feel good, feels very scary and you DO NOT want to be pushed or feel threatened no matter what.



  152.  #152cookie on June 20, 2009 at 9:31 pm

    Good night, ladies,

    So today I was home again feeling all kinds of things. I slept well last night and allowed myself to wake up later than ever which felt replenishing, then I took a nap at some point and felt even better. I have a cystic fibroma on my foot, or so this doctor thinks, I did some online research and felt afraid. last weekend, i cried my eyes out, today, I felt really sad and confused. my guy was supposed to take me out and I was looking forward to going but he told me on friday that he may not have the money to go anymore because we need to do laundry and I haven’t heard from him since. I feel suspicious.

    I’m trying to follow Rori’s rules about not making him wrong. So it is not wrong that he doesn’t call me everyday or want to take me out on dates. It is not wrong if he sleeping with or talking or going out with someone else? really?

    So when he calls tomorrow morning which he will, I will not feel bad anymore because i probably won’t. I will feel happy to be called and if he asks if I’m ready to go to the laundry i will probably say yes. But I’m really confused because being the Ms Whatever girl means what in my situation?

    I was laying in my bed imagining my heart so full of love that it was bursting and i feel like i put my love out there in my work everyday and the love comes back in various ways. And I was feeling all overwhelmed and tight in my throat because I imagined a love that was not like this one that I have with this guy, that the man or men were so in love with me that they would never stray in any way ever. I imagined different than the woman that I am now. The woman that is me right now is being neglected and untouched. The woman that I want to be would not allow one man to determine whether she is touched or not. The woman that is me right now is sitting home alone and feeling bad because the one man is not calling or dating her. The woman that I want to be is picking an outfit out of her closet and enjoying the company of as many men as she can fit in her schedule. I was watching the show What not to wear and there was a woman on there that the hosts kept saying was pretty and sexy and she said that she never associated herself with those words. During and after the makeover she began to see herself and started feeling better about who she was. She said that she had to stop comparing herself to everyone and just own her own beauty.

    I’ve felt this way, as I have always said on this blog, feeling not pretty. But honestly ever since I hit 30, I find myself feeling pretty damn good about me, exactly where I am, overweight and all. I feel alot differently about me, most of the time, except in those minutes when my guy withdraws and I slip into feeling bad. But even in that, I just slip into my feelings real quick and then I do something that makes me feel cared for, like oil my scalp or take my vitamins or drink water, etc. So i feel in those ways I’m growing.

    Back to my original question, how do we go about not making them wrong when he is not doing things that feel good to us?



  153.  #153Nikita on June 20, 2009 at 10:09 pm

    Thank you Daria;

    Cassandra, I feel that Daria put that so eloquently and softly. I felt the same way and we all want what’s best for you to feel good. I hope you feel better. I feel his pushing is his insecurity surfacing, and an unfortunate effort to gain masculinity. Breathe. I’ve felt very intimidated and scared before with men, so you are not alone in this at all. I feel when I stopped grasping and leaned way back my fear dissipated. I feel people can smell desperation and they won’t go near it. I felt alone when that happened but when I shifted my attention back to me my joy would grow back. I feel faith that your inner joy will come back .
    Hugs and more hugs
    Nikita



  154.  #154alias girl on June 21, 2009 at 12:49 am

    cookie i feel energy moving up my body. i feel hateful and rebellious when someone tries to make me feel bad or wrong because i don’t do things the way they expect me to. i feel especially rebellious when someone has expectations of me that were never even negotiated agreements between us. i also feel rebellion when someone tries to dominate me. or guilt me. or make me feel bad about myself.

    and i can say all that that i just did and also say i am only very very recently realising how OFTEN i do those very things to men. i feel embarrassed and like gaggin literally to think of my attitude toward men and HOW THEY SHOULD BEHAVE.

    argh.

    miss whatever would state her feelings. her don’t wants and then make decisions about whether she feels good or bad in each moment. if my miss whatever continued to feel bad with the same guy over and over i’d probably kick him to the curb. or at the very least start circular datinG ( Rori’s targeting mr right program is awesome for that!)

    rori is right when she says you’l interest in the men who make you feel bad. i am baby step by baby step. not overnight. i feel everyone on here is taking baby step by baby step towards goddess bliss. i really do.



  155.  #155alias girl on June 21, 2009 at 1:24 am

    cassandra.

    i feel love for your self hatred and garbage feelings. i relate to them. i was raised to feel like i was a burden and inept and worthless. i feel confident you will baby step by baby step keep moving through your soup.

    the i don’t wants
    the feelings
    the riffing
    and then once it morphs to something good we can go do something from our list

    this may not be complete. from rori’s power and self esteem series of posts

    i know for me i had to keep riffing and riffing and i felt so horrible sometimes. then i would feel ok. then i would feel horrible again. and i kept getting that debilitating frozen thing. i just kept riffing through the horrible ffelings. and then it was the day it came out about chris brown hitting rihanna and i was riffing and i was like whoa i need to go back into therapy.

    and i wouldn’t haven’t gotten to that place if i hadn’t been riffing deep. ugh.

    i almost feel guilty recommending people do this because some of my feelings were pretty awful.

    but also the actual working with someone to release my trapped trauma has helped tremndously as well.

    i feel compassion cassandra. i feel supportive. i also feel a little worried. i would feel better if you had more support. are there any groups or a therapist you could speak with?



  156.  #156gina on June 21, 2009 at 11:02 am

    Cassandra, I feel so sad that you’re enduring abuse. I think I must not know the entirety of the situation ( like why you can’t get out on your own and receive an income – cause if you can, I WISH YOU WOULD). All I can think is get the heck outta there. I want to disrespect this man and call him names and emasculate him and make him feel like a little crumb of crap. I realize this isn’t the most productive route – but, man, that is what I want to do. Ugh, at the very least, I’m going to call him a Bully. How dare that Bully push her? I see what Daria and Nikita are saying about leaning back. But, again, it sounds like you feel trapped for some reason, and in that case, I guess leaning back is the only thin you can do. but I hope that you can lean so far back that you are out the door, and if he pursues you and makes you feel really good, MAYBE he can earn a way back into your life. Ugh. I feel mad at Charles. Mad at men for being bigger and having the power to intimidate. grrrr.



  157.  #157gina on June 21, 2009 at 11:18 am

    Cookie, it is tough to channel Miss Whatever when disappointment comes up – but i think that’s when we need her the most. My take is that Miss Whatever feels the disappointment completely. But she always intends to feel good – so she looks for a way to authentically take care of herself. It isn’t a mask that she wears to convince a man she’s “cool.” Not making a man wrong is about taking care of yourself versus trying to control him. If you don’t want to be in a non-exclusive sexual relationship, then make sure that you aren’t. If you felt disappointed, then let him know how you felt and let him take care of your feelings. And if he doesn’t, and you don’t feel good, then Miss Whatever will guide you to men and opportunities that do feel good. Maybe he felt weird about not having money, but by letting him know that you really desired his company after hearing news about your foot (I am sending you love and healing energy) then he at least has an opportunity to realize that he wanted to be there for you. If you criticize and blame him, then he will most likely be defensive. That’s my interpretation of how Rori’s advice plays into your situation.



  158.  #158cookie on June 21, 2009 at 5:27 pm

    I’m feel thankful for the feedback alias girl and gina gave me. I feel so much love for cassandra and hope dearly that she is self destructing. I feel whenever we are ready a way out will appear even if that means we have to create it ourselves. I feel that my guy is not that bad just immature and maybe a little blind to what he has. I feel honest enough to admit that we both have growin to do. I feel like girls develop faster than boys anyway



  159.  #159cookie on June 21, 2009 at 8:17 pm

    I’m sorry cassandra I meant to type not self destructing. Damn blackberry



  160.  #160DocK on June 22, 2009 at 7:54 am

    Hi gorgeous, playful, angry, soft, feminine, wild, feeling Sirens,

    I have not had computer access so have missed many, many posts but trying to read through. Won’t jump in on any cuz lots going on and feeling insecure that I’ll mix up everything and screw up. : (

    BUT wanted to say I miss you all when I can’t read and I feel grateful to all of you.

    the only thing I can catch up on is the whole Marilyn bathing suit thing – I have one that I called my Betty Grable swimsuit and wish I could post picture – I’m holding funny umbrella with a duck bill on it. 1940s is my favorite era – so fun to be part of the pin-up girl fantasy we’re sharing. I did the nudie pictures awhile back and I am going to do the pin-up girl pix next. I have been buying those type of clothing, lingerie and swimsuits in preparation. Yayyyyyy!!!!