Soft In The Kitchen – How To Get A Man To Step Up

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I feel like a just got run over by a truck – on my feet and onstage for 8 hours at my Targeting Mr. Right seminar and product taping yesterday (it will be out in March)…I wanted to answer more and more questions – so you’ll be seeing a lot of talk about Circular Dating here –

I want to be in the business of motivating you and exciting you, and keeping you motivated and excited to get what you want through Circular Dating – even if you’re married (you’ll understand how and why in the product, and we’ll talk more and more about it here…) – and those 8 hours (to produce 6 1/2 hours of DVD and CD for you, with all the stops and starts) were some of the most thrilling I’ve ever experienced.

I could feel the concept behind Circular Dating sinking in – and how it’s so different from the way we usually think of “dating.”

It made the whole concept of “getting Mr. Right” seem like a walk in the park, a slam dunk.  And it is.

I’m going to turn my attention to posting now – I wanted to give you this one to start – it’s one of my favorite pieces, and it kicks off the New Year for me.  It’s called Soft In The Kitchen:

I was thinking about softness, and how it changes your vibe.

We’re all very smart, very clever, very defended. We don’t want anyone to see how films about animals make us cry, or our scrap booking, or all the mistakes we made and continue to make around everything in life.

We don’t want anyone to see that we’re lonely, or frightened, or exuberant about the simplest things. We don’t want anyone to see us being childlike and hopeful. So we cultivate our intellect, our opinions, our thoughts on where we’ve been and where we’re going.

Today I was in the kitchen eating what I’d cooked, when my husband walked in. I have a horrible history of burning food. There was the time several months ago when I retreated to the microwave, defeated, afraid my absent-mindedness would burn the house down (talk about repressed rage).

In the last few weeks I’ve been trying the stove again – scheduling cooking time, staying put in the kitchen, turning on the timer, sharpening my attention, and not burning anything! I’m cured! I’m a cook! I’m not a menace, I can do this! And the ground turkey I cooked in the pan smelled very nice on my plate.

And he says, alarm and accusation in his voice, “Did you burn something?”

“No!” I look up at him in shock.

“It smells like you burned something. Something’s burned.” and he walks into the kitchen.

“No, no!” I defend, going for the pan, picking it up to show him, feeling five years old and incompetent. “It’s just nicely brown, see?” I say forcefully, totally righteously. It’s his nose that’s wrong.

“Well, it smells like something’s burned.”

All of a sudden I get what I really feel. Yes, I’m five. I screw up my face and do big time mock crying and whining. “But I didn’t burn it!” I wail. “I didn’t….” and I go all gooey, pan in my hand, miserable.

And in that second, my husband does a 180. His eyes go deep and very blue-green, he smiles so fast I’m taken aback, and he comes towards me, arms around me, “Ohhhhhhh,” he says. And that’s the end of it.

“So, how’s your day?” he skips right to his next thought, and he’s standing right up against me, and we’re connected, and I leap from five-year-old to grownup, from lump to goddess.

Long ago, whenever this happened, I used to think it was because he was competitive and didn’t want me to be big. I thought he liked me girly and the loser at chess and gin rummy. I thought he was scared of my fortitude. Now I know that’s not it at all.

He just likes me better soft. He likes me better where I am than where I wish I was. He likes me better human than mistake-proof. And by liking me better this way, he encourages me to rise to the ultimate test of any relationship: He inspires me to say that I like myself best when I’m with him.

***I wrote this at a stage in my marriage when we were just beginning to communicate on a deeper level – where we were getting past using our daughter and the amount of our focus we reserved for her in a subtle way to KEEP DISTANCE between US.

Intimacy is scary.  The dynamics of a family are somehow orchestrated to keep a balance, a status quo.  The idea is- underneath, subconsciously, where we can’t even get at our motives – to keep things the same.

We do as much to KEEP from Rocking the Boat of ourselves as we do to stay connected within the family.

Everyone triggers everyone else, and no one likes to be triggered.  So we try to avoid doing anything different from what we feel comfortable with.

But that’s a path of STUCK.

It’s not even a path.

It’s some kind of going in circles designed to make sure you always end everything that happens at the beginning.

That things inside us NEVER CHANGE.

And when I wrote this – I WANTED things to change.

Not because they were bad – because they WEREN’T.  We had a TERRIFIC relationship – exactly as I talk about and write about and teach about.

But I wanted to go FURTHER.

I wanted to shake myself up. I wanted to have all the adventure, intimacy, excitment, scariness of love and life that I’d missed out on my whole life by always trying to keep things the same.  I wanted NEW.

I wanted to explore myself – and I knew the way to do that was through our relationship.

So I experimented.  I talked.  WE talked.

And this was at the beginning of that – when I started talking.  When I started letting myself hang out – even when it looked BAD to me.

I always prized myself for keeping myself together – no matter what.  I “could handle anything.”  I could “make lemonade out of any lemon thrown at me.”

And I didn’t want to do that anymore. I wanted to be SEEN.  And it was my husband who was going to be SEEING me.

Since then, we’ve slowly worked with each other in this way – making sure that we don’t bust through each other’s walls (though they are so much shorter and more transparent these days) – but just feel our way through, and – well, it’s kind of magical.

You can do this every day of your life.

Circular Dating will give you an opportunity to interact with man after man after man – to slowly allow them to peer through your walls, and for you to practice actually letting those walls down a bit at a time.

You can do this – and even the men out there who you are not attracted to – or who seem unable to even hold a conversation with you – even those men can be “practice partners” for you.

Wishing you love, practice, and magic – and blowing them your way.

Love, Rori


  1.  #1heartbeat on January 12, 2009 at 3:46 pm

    Hi Rori, I read this on your old site and it’s always stayed with me. I feel excited and playful reading it 🙂 I like being five.

    I’m catching up on comments from the weekend, I feel amazed and connected to everyone. XXXXX

  2.  #2alias girl on January 12, 2009 at 5:45 pm

    thanks rori! i love reading your posts. i feel hungry for them i gobble gobble them up.

    i WANT CHANGE. I WANT TO BE SEEN. i want to be love. and i am not. i love that i am not love. i love that i shroud my love in fear and annoyance and impatience and status quo. i feel angry. i love my anger bc it is loudly shouting trying to tell me something though i am not quite sure what. for some reason i equate love with sacrifing myself so that others may feel good and avoid the pain of their own consequences of their own lousy behavior (in my opinion) when i read things that talk about loving my neighbors (ie my boss, my unfun unfriend) i think oh i must sacrifice what feels good to me (telling the truth) in order to be loving. like rori wrote in this post about keeping the peace and not rocking any boats. i feel desperately unhappily confused. i want to be loving and contributing

    but the truth is i just want to have fun and do what i want to do and create and

    the truth is i don’t want to work a crappy day job for a pittance and barely get by

    anyway back to my inquiry regarding love. what exactly is the best way to love others and be useful to them? i feel confused. is it just self love and then the world gets the overflow?

    i feel stuck in my job. but like i said i don’t want ANY day job that is only to barely meet bills. i want fabulosity in my life. i want support in making my life a fun joyride. OK?!!!!1 hello is this thing on? is anything listening to me? can we please shift things ? THANK YOU.

  3.  #3Daria on January 12, 2009 at 5:49 pm

    Thank you universe for sending me what I wanted. As soon as I wrote that I want a man that I feel attracted to, is available, has a car, AND I feel connected to I got that. Whithin the hour. I feel amazed and grateful.

    I had a wonderful feeling date right now.

    I also feel amused, a little worried and like running the other way (to freedom? away from obligation commitment and intimacy? ) not sure. I feel good and wanted.

    Thank you universe. I also want to feel breathtakingly, incredibly good sexually with a man. Yay. I want all of this.

    I also want an easy way to have money coming in and pay my bills while I am setting up my company. And I want my company to be wildly, incredibly successful and I want to feel proud of myself and smug. I want to feel comfortable with my parents and feel adored respected and admired by them. I want to have financial safety, I want to feel like I have an easy and feel good way to make all the money I need and want. Yay.

    Thank you universe.

    You are awesome.

    Rori you are awesome too.


    So is everyone else. Especially on this blog.

    I feel good and smily.

  4.  #4Reshi on January 12, 2009 at 5:56 pm

    I’m feeling some things triggered with the kitchen/repressed rage imagery. Remembering how many dishes I broke during the early years of my marriage, and how I couldn’t understand why I was breaking so many dishes, and started to beat myself up for being careless. It’s easy to see now that what I had going on was repressed rage–and lots of it. I had been raised to always swallow my anger, and seen my once-perfect boyfriend turn into a demanding, sexually withholding husband INSTANTLY after marriage. And I felt I was stuck with him forever and would never know romance again. And looking back, I can forgive myself for being so angry. Anyone would be.

    I’m feeling the weight, right now, of generations of patriarchal admonitions. Keep a stiff upper lip, never let them know how you feel, or else you will destroy all we have worked to build–and then we will destroy you as punishment. The one time (pre-Rori) that I’d tried to start a sentence with “I feel” with my husband, I found myself on the receiving end of such a barrage of rage, it was absolutely shocking.

    Two-faced motherfucker.

    Yes, I still feel angry. I can hardly touch it or feel it but I know it’s in there. Lately I’ve been triggered to remember things my husband did or said, people he knew, anything at all that had to do with him, and I feel the anger begin to rise, and immediately dismiss it by cursing him out in my mind. Asshole. Dickhead. Cocksucker. Excuse my French.

    The thing is, calling him names in my head, what does that do for me? Nothing. It just gives me an easy, automatic way to avoid feeling my anger. And honestly I don’t want to feel my anger, I am afraid if I did, I would get lost in it and never see daylight again. I am afraid I’ll destroy myself. I’ve come so close to that so many times. I’m fucking tired of living a life that is never happy and always leads me to wanting to destroy myself because I can’t handle my rage and my pain and my sadness. Right now I’m sitting here at work where I have to call people and solicit votes, and every time someone treats me less that courteously, or if I don’t achieve my desired result, I feel like they’re one up on me, like they won and I lost, and I feel so angry. Every time I make eye contact with a man on the street and he pretends not to see me or gives a dismissive headshake, I feel so angry, so defeated and hopeless and wanting to shake my fists at the universe saying “This is not the way things should be.”

    I don’t know what to do with all this buried rage that I can’t feel, that is poisoning me from within and ruining my life. I want to be able to look a man or my father or God in the eye and say “I feel angry” and have them HEAR me, listen to me, and I want to feel validated. I know I’m the only person I need validation from, but I WANT to hear it from outside as well. I want the world outside to mirror the love I have for myself, not the disdain.

    Dang, I’ve written a dissertation andi haven’t even gotten to the Riffing part of it. We now return you to your regularly scheduled presentation of Rori’s blog…

  5.  #5Daria on January 12, 2009 at 6:35 pm

    I feel so angry. I had used my last available money to pay a bill, and now saw a charge from a “free trial” company I had signed up for only to get a measly 30 dollars that I had spent time reading ads for from another ad company.

    Even though the 20 dollar charge is pending, it turns out the free trial was over in 7 days and the woman I talked to on the phone said the charge was non-refundable. So there funds for my bill are being eaten by this charge and not available for my bill. I hope my bill wasn’t rejected as that would be an additional fee.

    I feel frustrated and that feels like dipping cheeks and staring eyes. I feel angry at teh robotic sounding woman I talked to. Why can’t they just set up a robot instead of someone reading a script. I feel angry. I don’t want to pay them. And that is ok. I feel “screwed” especialy by the ad company that I have read over 700 emails for so they can send me 20 dollars. I feel annoyed. That feels like tight cheeks and I love my tight cheeks. Well at least the 700 emails will come out to a net of 10 dollars gain. Yay. I feel disgusted. That feels like staring eyes that feel trapped in the computer light. I feel helpless. I feel worthless and yet part of me knows the universe is coming through for me too. And that feels like smiling. In fact someone called to lend me money as a friend. That feels worrisome. I love my worry. I want to pay my bills for next month but mybills this month went up due to fees for missing a payment. So in 2 weeks I will have to pay bills again and again have nothing. I feel amused.

    Yesterday as I meditated and visualized I realized I feel triumphant at having no money because that means I won’t be made fun of for being rich and I can fit in with other kids. Which is a little weird because the images of not fitting in that come up are from when I didn’t have the expensive jeans other kids had in middle school. So it’s non sensical and yet I feel shame about having money or being rich. And yet there were lots of parts of my life where this was not the case. I want to love myself anyway. And that feels like smiling. I feel queasy. and i love it!

  6.  #6Reshi on January 12, 2009 at 8:00 pm

    Women, I feel blessed! I spent a fair amount of the past weekend in deep contemplation of my life and it came out that my deepest desire, or at least the deepest one I can access, is just simply to be SAFE. To be safe in my own mind, and safe in the world–not to be forever running and scrambling and throwing walls up around myself out of fear.

    I should mention that my job has been very precarious lately, they’ve been letting a lot of people go, and cut our hours to a bare minimum where I was trying to survive on $160 a week. Well, today they called a meeting after lunch, and of course we’re all freaking out, and my boss announces to everyone that we are back to our normal schedule until March. I could have cried. I feel so thankful, like my heartfelt prayers were answered practically instantly. With the added income I can slowly start to rebuild my life, and not have to be running in constant fear of the debt collector. I feel so happy and grateful, I don’t remember what it was like to be so pissed the last time I posted.

  7.  #7Reshi on January 12, 2009 at 8:27 pm

    Daria, when I read your words about money, I felt like I was reading my own mind. I have this compulsion to always be without money so that no one will think I’m a rich snob. And my family was well off–my dad was a doctor and my mom worked too–but they often bought our clothes at Kmart, and my classmates made fun of me. So now I have this thing about being broke and having expensive stuff, and that is NOT good. Instead I want to be financially secure and have decent stuff, and live independently. That would feel like being the queen of my little castle, the mistress of my little domain, and like I could just throw out any man who wasn’t doing the job–rather than worry that I’ll be thrown out if I don’t make HIM happy and cater to his every whim.

    Yeah…that would feel good. That is what I want.

  8.  #8alias girl on January 12, 2009 at 10:43 pm

    i feel love for my blogsisters. 🙂 i feel an impulse to scoop them up and take away all their problems. but then they would have nothing to chew on and so would have to go create more 🙂

    i feel excited about reshI plowing through these challenging feels. i feel pride in her success and bravery.

    i feel connected to daria’s struggle and often triggered by it bc sometimes it reminds me of my own issues.

    i felt angry earlier but i did not let it take hold of me. i riff for a second and then realized what it was and then poof it was gone. but it felt useful to acknowledge the anger bc it gave me important information.

    herel tonight’s task for myself.; just like i specifically defined what results i want from my dating at this particular point. i now need to define specific results for my income. if i keep going back and forth on things i’l get what i’ve got. which is great but i want something different now.

    i feel like a method maker or a party planner or something. or like i am an archeologist. i can’t find the right word. anyway i feel interested in my new mthods and feel very confident that i am on to something that will please me greatly. i feel satisfied and justified. justified is not right word. but you know i can’t go back and erase when i’m on my phone typing bc it will all go poof too. has happened many times 🙂 i feel hopeful. that feels like spaace in my head like a bright blue sky. that feels like the cage door on my heart is opened and miraculously gone. that feels like deep cleansing breaths of pure air. that feels like dancing. that feels like a little bbee bop in my step when i walk.aaahhhh

  9.  #9Daria on January 13, 2009 at 4:04 am

    Thank you universe for sending me a handsome guy that wants to be my client tomorrow.

    I feel grateful. I feel hopeful and scared a little bit and I love myself too.

    Thank you thank you thank you.

    PS – Thank you for manifesting so quickly for me.

  10.  #10Margaret on January 13, 2009 at 6:43 am

    Thank you Rori,

    I can’t wait to experience this new Circular Dating process. I feel that everyone has questions about how to do it. How much “feeling messages” to use and how to have that dialogue. Thank you so much rori. I have looked into many programs, because my personal goal is to “be in the moment” authentically and my feelings and voices always seem to get in the way even though I stuffed them down. I feel that now I have finally found something that WILL help little by little to help me love me and life ….and men!

  11.  #11Cassandra on January 13, 2009 at 1:45 pm

    I have missed you guys!
    Reshi…Daria and AG…I wish I could hug you guys in person! Reshi…I am so happy about your job becoming a bit more stable for you! YAY!! 🙂 Daria and AG….I love to follow your processes and how you guys both bring yourselves to a better place than where you have started! WAAAY COOL! 🙂

    An update here….
    C has been home since Thursday and I can’t get on the computer when he is home as he is on it looking for loads so…..I have missed you all greatly. I can see how circular dating can help in so many ways and I think that even though that is not in the cards for is sinking it can help. I have been trying to say EVERYTHING to C in feeling messages and I am amazed at how he responds. I was even able to somewhat evade a rather difficult…close to being a HUGE arguement situation on Saturday night. He had once again treated me horribly BUT this time…I focused on how I…….repeat…I was going to handle things…..I focused on ME for a change and not how awful he had treated me….although that was totally on my mind. I told him calmy (although I was crying..I tried to be as calm as I could be thru the tears) and with my usual sweet sounding….loving voice……’I felt so horrible and disconntcted from you when you spoke to me the way that you did in front of your brother and I do not like it when you do that to me…..I felt embarassed in front of him and I felt so humiliated by how you treated me. I did not like it at all when you spoke to me that way….I never address you that way…ever and I do not want to be with someone that treats me that front of your brother….or ever. I felt so sad that you told me to shut up on 2 separate occasions this evening…in front of other people and I did not like that at all. I felt that you did not care about my feelings or what I needed and that made me feel so deeply sad……” you get the drift. Now I KNOW that my messages may not be perfect in the ‘feeling message manual’ BUT what was big for ME was that I tried to use them in a heated situation. I know that in some of them I did accidentally make him wrong but it is a start and at least I know what I did wrong. Even though nothing was resolved and who knows if he will be mindful of these things in the future…what matters here for ME is that I used the feeling messages in a heated situation and the end result was HIM lovingly taking my purse and keys out my hands and putting them down…..HIM helping me to get my fleece ‘jacket’ off and HIM lovingly telling me to go take my bath and come to bed..all of this AFTER HIM hugging me tightly and holding me while I cried tears of anger and hurt with no words from either of us! WOWOWOWOW!! HUGE difference from the past where it would have ended in me being kicked out again….most likely anyhow. This was a really big deal for me and I felt so good about ME and HE responded lovingly towards me. This was a huge deal for me and I am celebrating this BIG step forward in MY OWN journey. I feel good right now!! YAY!!

    I have missed you all so much and send you each one a Daria’s great big beautiful flower hugs with pink and red ribbons flowing from the stems. XOXOXO

  12.  #12Tina on January 13, 2009 at 2:46 pm

    Hi Rori,
    My boyfriend came back from vacation after breaking up with me on New year’s day on phone.

    He started behaving as if everything was normal. I refused his offer to go down and meet him.

    I asked him if he wanted long term committed relationship with me or if this is temporary again.

    He said he likes me very much and wants to have me around “whenever he feel like” but then he gets a vibe of not being happy together in the long run.

    I said, in that case there is nothing for us to even communicate. Then he said I am free to do whatever I want to and he would let go.

    Its really hard. I cant believe I did this. Deep down I miss him terribly. My yucky feelings are coming up. I wanna catch him, mold him, make him and make me like me but that doesn’t work.

    Now what do I do Rori? Please write something.

  13.  #13alias girl on January 13, 2009 at 2:48 pm

    wow. i feel relieved that cassandra is making such great process. i don’t think i need to say people’s names in third person but that is how it is coming out. i feel embarrassed.

    but i feel yae! for cassandra and supportive that she used all those feeling messages and also an awareness that some were directed at him but also compassion for self that it is a process and we have to start somewhere and then refine and tweak as we go.

    i feel a sense of possibility for cassandra!

    i feel a need to be vigilant in my workplace as there is a certain vibration of negativity and i feel like it is easy to get sucked in. but i am holding my awareness and keeping my focus on what i want and keep myself feeling good and greatful hah i mean grateful! i feel i can do this! i feel strong and self loving!

  14.  #14Cassandra on January 13, 2009 at 2:55 pm

    Tina…..I am SO glad that you are here! You get such unending love and support here and help in learning and following Rori’s tools that it will change your life! I am SO SORRY that you went through this awful experience! From the way that this guy handled this it appears that he does not deserve a wonderful, loving caring woman. I would highly recommend getting Rori’s ebook! It has so much of the basics in it that can get you feeling better about YOU right away!

    Ag….thanks for your support. You had me giggling at the 3rd person stuff….no worries….it was good stuff so who cares how it comes out! I do feel good about that and am trying so hard to use the feeling messages as much as I can without making him wrong…still learning that but getting there. I am so happy that you are in such a wonderful place!! Celebrate that…it is HUGE! 🙂

  15.  #15Daria on January 13, 2009 at 4:09 pm

    I feel annoyed. My super Toxic ex called. I have changed. I don’t feel hypnotized or paralyzed by him anymore. I feel glad for that. I feel sad. I feel heaviness. I feel love for him. I feel a desire to see him. I feel a desire to be close to him. I feel a desire for us to be best friends. I love my desires. I feel like I can never have that because of things he has done in the past. I feel mistrustful, scared for my life. I feel proud of myself for having actually communicated that. I feel like I pushed him away. Which wouldn’t feel that bad. I want him to not be in my life and yet I want to feel I have a good relationship with him. I feel heavy. I feel glad I could really tell I have changed. I feel guilty. I feel sad. I love my feelings. I love the heaviness in my face and head. I love the heaviness in my tummy. I love my sinking face feeling. That feels like a light smile. I love my smile. I love that I feel like RAGING. I love that I feel powerful. I feel guilty. I hate feeling guilty and that is ok. I love my feelings. I feel like I am abandoing him. I love my feelings. That feels like sinking head to one side, like attention going down, slowly sinking, like heavy tummy. I love my heavy tummy and my attention, and my sinking head. I feel angry over feeling guilty. I love my anger and my guilt. And that feels like sinking head, like pouty lips, like furrowed eyebrows. I love my sinking head, my pouty lips and my furrowed eyebrows. That feels like smiling a little bit. I love my smile… that feels like tension in my tummy and my eye sockets, and smiling bigger. I love my tension in my tummy and eye sockets and Ilove my smile. That feels like squeezing in my thigh and I love the squeezing in my thigh. I feel like I am sinking… I feel a little low on energy. I feel worried I am coming down with a cold. My body wants to rest. I love my body. I feel guilty for not resting enough… I love my guilt. I love my body. I feel like I have rested. I love all of me. That feels like yawning. That feels like brighter eyes and heavy mushiness in my shoulders and arms and head. I love my heavy mushiness.. I love the tingles in my shoulders… that feels like more yawning… I feel tension in my tummy. I WANT to care about and love this man, says a voice. That is ok. Thank you. I love myself for wanting to love. And another part of me is scared to allow him into my life and I love that part of me too. I love myself. I love all of me. That feels like yawning. I feel worried that I will obsess about this and possibly bring my wonderfully creative vibe down. I feel worried. I love myself. I want everything to go well for me and that feels like smiling. Do I create a space or scenario for this man in my mind>? or do I just let things be and play out… I feel confused. I love my feelings. I feel like I have a choice and that feels reassuring.
    I feel down. I want to feel happy and free and lucky and deserving. That feels like smiling and lifting. I love my smile and my lifting feeling. That feels like more smiling and I love that and that feels like smiling big. I love my smiles. I love that I feel a little worried about going to see this other guy that I like. I want to be his friend. I feel so comfortable with him and I want a male friend. I wanted to go see him because I want to hang out with him by his house. That would feel really fun and I am grateful to the universe for sending me that. I would also like the universe to send me something that will help me feel that it is ok to go see him. Thank you. He said he does not want a relationship right now because he just got out of one and doesn’t want to stress. I don’t really want to be in a relationship either, unless it is moving towards marriage, and I am not ready for that with him and I feel like he is not at the place I want my man to be (he needs to work on his education and finances). I just feel really comfortable talking to him and want to hang out with him outside because I’ve missed being outside and it feels lonely being out by my house by myself. I want to be there for me so that is ok, and I don’t want to feel dependent on him later for my happiness. Thank you universe. I feel like smiling, and I feel a little tension in my stomach and I lvoe my tension, and that feels like it is releasing down my leg and my leg is relaxing all the way down. I love my feeling of relaxation in myleg and that feels like smiling and I love that.

    I feel so amazed and amazing at what I have been manifesting lately and I want that to continue. I want to feel like my ex has changed (he says he has matured) and that I will be able to relate to him now in 100% lovable ways that are for our best good. And I feel scared to BE with him or imagine the future with him and that is ok. I love my fear. I feel like smiling. I am feeling stronger after eating a tangerine. Thank you tangerine. I want to feel healthy and happy and energetic. OHHH I feel down maybe because I felt stressed yesterday hearing my mom talk about me to my dad and how she is worried and I felt angry and upset because I don’t like to be talked about in the 3rd person when I can hear. I feel angry and ignored and disrespected. I feel angry. I love my anger. I love my upset feeling that feels like tension in my tummy. Thank you tummy. I love my tension in my tummy and that feels likea sigh of relief and like smiling. I love my smile. I love how my body reacts so strongly to emotions even by getting sick. I love my sickness feeling and I want to feel healthy and I love that too. I feel afraid of getting sick and I love my fear. I love that I have been so chill and lean back and am attracting so wonderfully it’s like I AM REALLY MANIFESTING. OMG. THAt feels so exciting I just made a haha sound out loud and that feels great. I feel like smiling BIG. I love my BIG SMILE and that feels like closing my eyes while smiling and I LOVETHAT.. OHHH I FEEL SO GOOD. hehreheheeeeee.

  16.  #16Reshi on January 13, 2009 at 4:18 pm

    Cassandra, I’ve missed you 😉 and I feel so touched by your story. What happened between you and Charles is just amazing. Even with making him wrong, look at the response you got! I would have given my firstborn to have had even ONE situation like that with my husband, even ONE instance of me really expressing my anger and pain and then being loved and held and accepted. That never, EVER happened for me. And now I am feeling angry about that. Because I want to feel that with a man and I’m so afraid I never will. This guy T. brings up all my fears, all my issues of being only judged by a man, never loved and accepted. I am sure that’s why he’s in the picture.

    I want to feel like I can be loved and accepted by a man. I want to feel like I am already loved and accepted by my animus, my inner masculine, who I call Makani. That would feel like a warm breeze blowing throughout my body, touching the places inside where I hold fear and shame and judgment, and healing them all. It would feel like this wonderful guy inside me raising an army to go out and do battle with all the terrible guys inside me who beat me up. I feel like there’s a guy in my head who looks like my ex-husband with blank eyes fiery with hatred, and he’s taken possession of my mind. And I love that guy, and I know he’s a tortured soul who longs for death…so now I feel my champion charging forward on a black horse, his army behind him, riding through the field of my heart. And they’re yelling fierce battle cries. And they’re setting the tower on fire, stabbing the evil guards with lances, and just generally killing each other the way men like to do. And the evil guy up there is named Iske, a name of an evil male character from my past, and Makani challenges him to single combat. And I feel scared that he’ll get himself killed and won’t return to me, that this evil despot will rule my mind forevermore. I want to feel like I know he’ll return with his army and the spoils of victory and all the women who had been enslaved in the tower–all my creative and intuitive and compassionate and loving gifts, all my finer qualities as a human and a woman. (Wow, again it’s getting far more epic than I expected!)

    I feel like I’m in my castle preparing for their return. And then I see him in the distance on his black horse, his army riding behind him, and they’ve brought back all the women and an unconscious man in chains, and I get to decide what to do with him.

    I don’t get to decide right away because my victorious warrior rushes into my arms and immediately drags me off, and I won’t say what he does with me…but afterwards I have an audience with my prisoner, the tyrant who had been running my mind all these years. I sentence him to death for treason. Yet just before the axe falls, I call a halt to the execution and ask the man to stand. I thank him for his energetic, though misdirected, service and put him in charge of the dungeon, where he can hang out with my swamp-thing stranger and torture criminals to his heart’s desire.

    I do feel better now. ;P

  17.  #17Tina on January 13, 2009 at 8:12 pm

    Hi Cassandra,
    Thanks for the advice. I jus’ read your story and I feel happy that you feel happy right now and you are talking using ‘feeling messages’. In commitment blueprint I heard about “love is to let go”. Its so difficult. But, i’ll be on my bridge even though I am alone right now.


  18.  #18Cassandra on January 13, 2009 at 8:49 pm

    Reshi..I have missed you too! I want to give you a HUGE hug in person! Thank you for being excited for me that C reacted the way that he did….it made me feel so loved and as though I actually did matter to him and that he did NOT want to lose me or have anything come between us which was magical for me…..and YOU WILL….I repeat WILL have that too! I hope that I am not out of line here Love but I think that your ex was/ is toxic and not able to BE in a relationship that is not all about HIM. I could be so wrong and at times have felt the same thing about C but you know what? I believe that as I am growing….he IS coming with me and this will also happen for YOU but it has to be with a man that IS WILLING to grow as well….whether they KNOW that they are growing is another issue but who the hell cares if they know it or not at least they ARE growing. I believe with all of my heart that because YOU are growing and learning to really and truly LOVE Reshi completely you are going to attract a man that can give you what you want and need because he will be whole himself. I believe in some ways…more and more each day now….that C is doing that BECAUSE I am growing and he is coming with me. He has NO CLUE that he is growing and leaning forward but he is and that is what matters! You simply CANNOT NOT have what you want because of who you are beccoming inside yourself Love!! I feel so excited for you right now…I feel so happy for you Reshi! Your experience above is so beautiful Reshi. WOW! That totally touched my heart and of course I had tears streaming down my cheeks. I think that your image and experience that you shared with us above confirms what I said about you definitely having what you want! Makali will NOT allow it to be any other way!!! You are amazing and I am thankful to have you here. I send you a huge hug and so so so much love Reshi!

  19.  #19Tina on January 13, 2009 at 8:54 pm

    I feel like suddenly Ive touched peace. Writing here is relaxing my nerves and taking my mind off my pain.

    Its always said that when we work or wish for something in a group, chances are that they will most likely happen.

    I wish everybody here get all love, health, wealth and happiness in their lives.

    I am going off for a vacation for 5 weeks to my home country. I wish this trip will take my mind off.


  20.  #20Reshi on January 13, 2009 at 11:15 pm

    Cassandra, thanks so much for your words of confidence! I felt so warmhearted, thinking I have this guy inside me who just simply won’t let me get my heart broken again. And to hear affirmation of my dorky-ass fantasy felt so good. And you’re right (and not at all out of line), my ex is/was all KINDS of Toxic. I feel the whole relationship was about me finding someone who would stifle me and control me, WITH MY PERMISSION because I was co-toxic and self-destructive and afraid of myself and all kinds of not-so-healthy things that I feel our culture actually encourages and demands. Ugh. UGH. Just thinking of his face makes me feel so angry. I want to squash him like a bug.

    It’s quite possible that I MADE him as toxic as he is. I remember about a year ago when I would think of him–and this was when we were still saying we loved each other–but whan I thought of him the only things that came to mind were the most contemptuous, derisive insults and cusswords my mind could come up with. Like, 10 times worse that what I posted above. I hated him as much as I loved him if not more, I had so much rage stuffed down inside. Whatever. Water under the bridge. I’ve probably said this 50 times. Blargh. I’m glad to be free.

  21.  #21heartbeat on January 13, 2009 at 11:41 pm

    Tina, I wish for love, health, wealth and happiness too 🙂 That feels good, imagining it right now. Thank you!

    I feel uplifted reading all your posts. It’s all so interesting! I’m feeling tired at the moment so I don’t feel like writing much.

  22.  #22heartbeat on January 13, 2009 at 11:43 pm

    “all your posts” i.e. EVERYONE’s comments

    fuzzy head, sleepy skin hmmmm….

  23.  #23alias girl on January 14, 2009 at 2:28 am

    thank you tina for your wishes for us all to have health wealth and happiness. i feel hopeful about your idea that as a group we can attain it quicker and easier. it kind of seems so so far. 🙂

  24.  #24Cassandra on January 14, 2009 at 6:54 am

    Reshi…I am glad that I was able to help you feel better! I don’t think though that you had anything to do with making him toxic. I think that he had that covered just fine on his own! Maybe you felt down deep when you married him that you needed to be with someone who stifled you because you felt afraid to REALLY BE the wonderful Reshi that you are? or even maybe were afraid to allow yourself to be free? I could be totally wrong here but I know that when i look back at my relationship history it is so filled with sickenlingly insecure men but I now realize that because of my own deep seeded insecurities I attracted men that mirrored that and perhaps still do. I am not sure what the difference is with Charles (or even whether there is one or not….don’t know that yet) and perhaps there is none but what I am learning is that as I am growing and learning to really really and truly love ME I am also noticing that Charles is indeed coming along. I believe that he is growing and does not even realilze it but who the heck cares as long as he is growing. Perhaps you chose your ex husband because you were afraid of your own strength, potential and gifts and needed at that time tobe with someone who would keep you safe in that old rickety box that is so so so familiar thereby feels safe to you but keeps you stifled? I am not at all saying that this is truth but just something to think about. Makali is very very strong and extremely courageous and because he is part of YOU maybe it scared you. I look back at men that I have had in my life and feel the same way that you do about your ex. I think you are doing awesome and you are such an inspiration to me and so many more.
    I send you lots of hugs and lots of love.

  25.  #25DocK on January 14, 2009 at 8:02 am

    Wow, I really needed this rage presentation. I just realized that someone was not at all what I thought. Luckily, I had ended this before even more details showed up – helps to feel a little empowered but, of course, this sets up feelings of not only rage, but self-blame, feeling foolish and stupid and wanting to beat up on myself.

    Of course, Rori said that I don’t get to beat up on myself so I guess I just have to sink into what I feel and do some self-reflection.

    Very, very hard at the moment because I am at work and can’t really sink into this the way I need to. Also, lots of fear. I am someone that people say they envy because they think I am so smart, attractive, fit and have done some interesting things in life – have a few accomplishments. Even with being what I consider to be a pretty “natural” siren and following the programs, just don’t feel I am getting the response I would like, feeling fearful that I never will get to have what I really do believe I deserve (we ALL do), and feeling like I’m not anything special after all. Boy, this is tough. : (

  26.  #26Reshi on January 14, 2009 at 9:26 am

    Cassandra, you are right, I was and still am scared of my gifts and potential, and I’m sure I chose my ex for that and other self-punishing reasons. Makani really didn’t exist until like…7 months ago? He came to me in a dream one night and showed me the way love SHOULD feel, and I somehow knew that nothing would ever be the same after that. And yeah, he is a little scary, in a good way. In my dream he got me pregnant, and that’s something that terrifies me. Maybe love itself is scary.

    Oh hell, what am I saying, love is definitely scary! But it’s a thin line between fear and excitement.

  27.  #27L.L.Sweat on January 14, 2009 at 1:03 pm

    Can I join? I’ve been following Rori’s tools for about a year now and have gotten and listened to a million times (lol) her Reconnect Your Relationship cd’s. Rori has really changed my life, and I’m sure you all understand what I mean when I say that anytime I feel like “its all falling apart”, I urgently read something from Rori or listen to a cd. Its wonderful. Rori feels like a warm lap to crawl up into and also a pat on the back and a real “Thatta girl!”. Kind of feels silly saying all that, but… what the heck. 🙂 So good to be here. I am in a wonderful relationship of 1 year, engaged, living with my fiance part time in one state, and with my 6yr old son in another, awaiting a court decision about being able to relocate with him to the state where my fiance and I bought our house. My ex husband was very controlling and would not sign our divorce, hence my fiance and I not married yet. The divorce should be final by March, as its been 2 years since we seperated. Ugh, that was a lot. Anyway, so great to be here. I feel super excited to get to know you all and your journey.

  28.  #28Cassandra on January 14, 2009 at 8:36 pm

    LLSweat….of course you can join and welcome to this wonderful…amazing…safe and so very loving place! I am so happy to hear that your relationship is going so well and that you have been working Rori’s tools for so long. You are a total testimony that they totally work!! YAY for you! 🙂 March will be here before you know it and then you will finally be able to move on with your beautiful life! YOu are so right that anytime things get ‘dark’ you can run to one of Rori’s programs and refresh yourself. I am listening to Reconnect and just finished the 3rd CD for the 3rd time before I move on tomorrow to the 4th. I felt I needed to go over and over #3 before moving on. I love it….it is helping me so much even though I am still messing up the feeling messages in person with my fiance’/ whatever you want to call him….it’s ok…baby steps and I am still learning. Anyway….glad you are here!
    Sending a hug your way!

  29.  #29alias girl on January 15, 2009 at 2:32 am

    welcome L.L. Sweat! definitely come join in. i feel glad to hear your success. i totally want the reconnect program but have not yet gotten it. i feel very grateful to hear of your success and finding new love and ending toxicity. i feel interested in hearing from you. 🙂

  30.  #30L.L.Sweat on January 16, 2009 at 7:02 pm

    Thanks, gals! Oh my, its so silly, but soon after posting this things got really tense with my fiance. I’ve known for a long time that I tend to overfunction, out of fear. And I knew when I met my fiance that things would have to be different this time or it wouldn’t work because he is so wonderful and so authentic and so confident and so NOT a toxic game playing man. But it is very scary to do the work. Rori had mentioned about the “ruts” of wrong thinking that we run in our brain, and it really really does take emotional work to learn about ourselves. But the work is so worth it. Anway, a few days ago my fiance got very cold towards me. We had had a few rough weeks, and was working through the tools but had not really really surrendered yet. I believe that, that is what it is all about, surrender. Surrendering to your emotions, to him, trusting him to row and then to row in the right direction, or trusting yourself to recognize and be okay if and when he doesn’t. Wow, what a journey. But I am doing it. We are doing it and it really really really does work. Okay, on a rabbit trail, here. But he got cold. And fast. I was really really overfunctioning and questioning but it was all because I was very afraid that he would find out the real me and get tired of me and then this glorious relationship that I’ve dreamed about would be over. I was queen of “waiting for the other shoe to drop”. Ugh. And it kind of did, yesterday, or maybe the day before, but especially last night. And I panicked. I tried to practice the tools, but my brain shut down or something… lol, or no, actually, my brain went into overdrive. I plead with him, explained, apologized (and trust me, I needed to, I had truly, truly smothered a very good caring, NOT toxic man with control and drama.). And it got me nowhere. He just grew colder. So last night I couldn’t sleep and I made a VERY shakey but brave decision to NOT try to fix what I did wrong. I leaned way back. And leaned and leaned and leaned. We normally talk all day and text a lot too. But lately it had been me doing more of the calling. Anyway, we said goodnight very tensely and he did say “I love you” and went to bed. (We are in two separate states right now, I’m still awaiting a court decision about relocating my son, and I go back and forth from our home there, to my son, back here.) Oh, after we hung up I was sick. The panic and worry and fear almost drove me insane. I felt fear, sadness, regret, rage, all of it. But I made a really really hard decision to trust. To trust that I was going to be okay. To trust him that if I leaned back, he would lean forward and if he didn’t, I would still be okay. And that love would still come. And boy did it. My sister, who I have not had a really really close relationship with chatted with me for hours last night. She was so loving and encouraging and sooooo insightful and gentle and warm to me. I felt so nurtured and safe and appreciative. And then her wonderful husband even got in on the chatting and gave me his perspective as a man and it was so close to Rori’s! He said lay low… ie; lean back. Lol. So I did. He left today to go back to his original state to see his sons and I was terrified that he would decide there that he didn’t want to be with me after all. But I stayed leaned back all day. At times it felt so painful. Like I wanted to scream but I felt all of that but did not act out. I just felt them. And chatted with my sister off and on, and read Rori. 🙂 And he called. Not once, not twice but about 4 or 5 times today. He is still kind of cold but I just stay leaned back and open and warm and he is really talking. Talking about other things besides our relationship, but I think that it is the beginning. I think that when he feels safe again with me, that I’m not going to be dramatic and controlling and negative and push my negative feelings on him (trying to make him get me out of the pit), he will feel safe again to be vulnerable enough to give again. I love this. It feels so good. I feel incredibly peaceful and hopeful and even some REAL fear, but I look at that fear, feel it and then replace it with hope and beautiful thoughts. Thanks for listening. The journey is beautiful, more beautiful with each new revelation and step. Blessings to you all.

  31.  #31heartbeat on January 17, 2009 at 2:01 am

    LLSweat I feel moved reading your comment. It particularly reminds me of a situation I was in 18months ago. I recognise the fear and emptiness and the joy also of leaning back etc. I feel grateful for all the help and support here, it’s helped me feel confident in handling almost anything life throws at me. I’m really interested to hear how you get on!

  32.  #32L.L.Sweat on January 19, 2009 at 12:47 pm

    Hey there. Thanks, heartbeat for the comment. Its still pretty tense. I am leaning waaaay back and trying really hard to love me, and just stay in my emotions. He calls everyday but its still pretty cold, the conversations, not mean, we are just not connecting, which is so hard because we used to be like peas in a pod, till this happened. My big question is how or when do I tell him how I feel. I am not okay with it going on like this for a week or more, him just giving me little bits of attention. I know that I was very demanding and leaned forward before and he worked so hard before to make me feel secure and loved and I was never satistfied because I was stressed and unfulfilled inside of me, and not taking care of me. So it feels like he gave up, trying to please me, like he is tired. What do I do? Do I just continue on, when do I tell him how I feel? How do I? I was very very emotional before and he said he was so sad because he couldn’t help me get over being sad. He felt helpless and defeated. What should I do? Just wait for him to come to me? We live together most and have a house together and are getting married in a month or so.

  33.  #33Cassandra on January 19, 2009 at 1:20 pm

    LL…..You are doing so great! When things got tense you just leaned waaaaya back and look….HE came to you by calling 4 or 5 times! This shows you that Rori’s tools do work abd that YOU can lean back and let him row the boat Love!!! YAYAY for you!! I would just keep leaning waaaay back….let HIM be the one to initiate calls/ texts/ time together etc. Let him be the one to row the boat. The fact that you are getting married in a month or so is HUGE! If he did not love you and want to row the boat then you would not be engaged to him and getting married in a little while. You are doing great just keep your focus on YOU and learning to love YOU! As far as talking to him and telling him how you feel can you start to write a power speech on paper so that you can get your thoughts together and then poast it here so that everyone can help you with it to make sure that you are not accusing him or blaming him? I know it would help alot and when I am ready, I am going to do the same thing although for me I maynot do that anymore. I know it will help you a great deal! Keep us posted ok?
    Love and lots of hugs to you….

  34.  #34Cassandra on January 19, 2009 at 1:20 pm

    LL…..You are doing so great! When things got tense you just leaned waaaaya back and look….HE came to you by calling 4 or 5 times! This shows you that Rori’s tools do work abd that YOU can lean back and let him row the boat Love!!! YAYAY for you!! I would just keep leaning waaaay back….let HIM be the one to initiate calls/ texts/ time together etc. Let him be the one to row the boat. The fact that you are getting married in a month or so is HUGE! If he did not love you and want to row the boat then you would not be engaged to him and getting married in a little while. You are doing great just keep your focus on YOU and learning to love YOU! As far as talking to him and telling him how you feel can you start to write a power speech on paper so that you can get your thoughts together and then poast it here so that everyone can help you with it to make sure that you are not accusing him or blaming him? I know it would help alot and when I am ready, I am going to do the same thing although for me I may not do that anymore. I know it will help you a great deal! Keep us posted ok?
    Love and lots of hugs to you….

  35.  #35Cassandra on January 19, 2009 at 1:20 pm

    not sure what happened…sorry my post posted twice!

  36.  #36heartbeat on January 19, 2009 at 1:37 pm

    Hi LLSweat, reading your last comment it feels like he’s been filling you up wonderfully after your last marriage/relationship, and now he’s preoccupied you feel empty and scared cos’ he’s not doing that right now.

    Thinking about what/whether to speak to him feels like leaning forward, and feeling scared he’s changed his mind is putting the power in his court instead of your own; but you’re doing brilliantly talking to your sister, leaning back from calling etc.

    So maybe turn around 180, fill up your tank in lots of ways, other interests etc – and then it’ll feel more like you decide if you want to marry him, not just the other way round.

    I’m interested to hear what Rori would suggest.

  37.  #37heartbeat on January 19, 2009 at 1:42 pm

    *%*&%!! Cassandra you’re doing great!! I loved your double post 🙂 so fabulous, fantastic energy, I’m smiling my head off here!

  38.  #38Heartfelt on January 29, 2012 at 5:22 am

    I love this post. It almost makes me feel sad that I have been covering myself up all these years… And from everyone, not just men!