Solving The Long-Distance Relationship Puzzle

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Here’s a question – from “Alice” – to start this discussion:

“Dear Rori, Please tell me if your principles for successful relationships apply to long distance relationships. Thanks, Alice”

Okay – this is a big one.

How do you have a “relationship” with a man you only see every-once-in-awhile? How can you stay bonded to each other, keep him totally interested, and keep yourself from feeling jealous, insecure, worried, and lonely when most of your contact is by phone and email?

And the answer isn’t as simple as I’d like it to be, because, just like EVERY relationship, each long-distance relationship is different.

So, instead of trying to put all long-distance relationships into one basket, as though the quality of ‘long-distance” is what defines the relationship – let’s look at it differently.

Let’s look at YOUR relationship, which may happen to involve you seeing each other only twice a month, if that, and feeling the pressure during those moments together to have a “great” time, and dealing with all the logistics of traveling.

For starters, let’s look at the level of “commitment” in your relationship:

If you’re engaged, and trying to find a home in one of your cities or somewhere completely new – then you’re committed. That means you handle it EXACTLY the same way you would if he were here with you every single day and night.

If you’ve just met, or seen each other a few times and “clicked” – you may be tempted to see it as a “committed” relationship – even though it really isn’t. And so you may cut out your other options, go “exclusive” and otherwise bind yourself up with a man in an “Imaginary Relationship.”

I’ve seen long-distance relationships work out beautifully – when the focus is entirely on being together and the man takes real, concrete steps to either get you to his home, or come to yours, and it moves along quickly and gets to the wedding quickly.

And I’ve seen long-distance relationships drag a woman to desperation – where she gives up everything, moves to be with the man, and then the whole thing falls apart – leaving her jobless, friendless, and financially ruined.

So – let’s get some basics down here about how to do this when you have seemingly everything working against you:

1.  My Tools around ATTRACTION  (my Modern Siren program has a ton of Tools that will help you with this) are the bottom line here – he must FEEL attracted to you, even when he can’t feel you physically.  Your voice has to do it for him, his memory of you, and the words you say in your emails and texts.

2.  Long-distance relationships get bogged down in logistics – planning trips and visits, planning futures, planning everything – and this is totally NOT what you want to be doing with a man. 

3.  The times you actually get to spend with him physically, up-close and in-person, can start to feel urgent, intense – and yes, very romantic and passionate – in a way that pushes the relationship and your feelings faster than it really is going.  In other words, the intimacy is being artificially produced by the difficulty of getting together – so that when you finally DO get together, to try the relationship out for real in his city or yours, it doesn’t measure up to the intensity of the few-and-far-between visits you once had.

And often, because his true feelings and readiness for a lifelong commitment have never been tested – you find out way too late that he’s not really ready, or even ABLE to do the job of a real relationship.

Let’s explore some ways to take care of yourself, and still move the relationship forward in the next posts…let me know with your comments here what your story is, what experiences you’re having, and how I can help.

Love, Rori

 

 

61 Comments

  1.  #1Jessica on October 19, 2008 at 6:40 pm

    You’re right. i think that if the girl in the long distance relationship does like him more and is devising too many ways to see and be with the man then it most likely will fall apart. Because a man can totally back down and realize he’s not ready for such a relationship.
    Sometimes the girl can agree in thought that this isn’t right but by heart she can count on that so desperate-like. This doesn’t mean he doesn’t like her, it’s just that it’s not right. So the girl should probably try (and i do mean try pretty hard) to think of him as just a friend and talk to him more like a guyfriend you’re not too interested in. Then in time maybe she’ll let this love ease until she can be with him on a more regular basis or see him as a friend one day in the future. then and hopefully then they can start all over again like couples should, as friends.



  2.  #2Rori Raye on October 21, 2008 at 12:24 am

    Thank you, Jessica, look forward to more of your comments and advice…Rori



  3.  #3AJ on October 22, 2008 at 1:57 pm

    Hi Rori,

    I am in a long distance…possibly “imaginary” relationship. We met 10 months ago and have seen each other twice. He texts me every day, although we don’t talk much over the phone due to our schedules and time difference. I have taken your advice and have been loving myself and keeping my options open with other men. However, I feel soooo STUCK! I really like this guy and want to be with him….but he has not made any initiation of the commitment talk and often refers to me as his “friend”. I want to just tell him….look buddy, don’t waste my time! Do you want to be with me or not? And I have hinted to that train of thought before but have not come right out and said it. I’ve heard him say that he wants to give me a great relationship and that because of the distance he feels like he can’t and it wouldn’t be fair. He said he thinks there is a huge significance to our relationship but he thinks it’s not the right time. I am beginning to feel like a fool for hanging in there for 10 months with no committment. He has hinted that he wants me to move or him to move as to be closer but hasn’t come right out and said it. My question is….should I move? How can I move with no engagement/commitment. BUT….how can I give a commitment when I don’t really know him well enough? When I’ve never seen him upclose and personal? Should I move on a trial basis and see how it goes? I’m just so confused and feeling like giving up….but somehow he got into my heart 🙂 Don’t know what to do! Thank you for reading this and any response will surely help me.



  4.  #4Janice on February 3, 2009 at 9:28 am

    Rori-

    I am the “other woman” of a long-distance relationship. I have been online friends with this man for two years. He has a girlfriend who lives many states away. He and I finally met in person a few days ago….and now he tells me he didn’t expect to be so attracted to me and want to see me more and get to know me more…. but he loves her also. From things he has told me about her I don’t feel he truelly loves her or has a future with her.

    I want to date him and get to know him better…but i hate being “the other woman”. I have told him I will not force him to make a decision but that I will not be intimate with him as long as he is “committed” to her. I would like him to give me the opportunity to be his one and only.



  5.  #5Madeline on February 21, 2009 at 9:04 pm

    I have been in a relationship for almost two years. My relationhip was great and heading forward. Now my relationship is having issues which I think are very simple to solve but I cannot seem to know how since I have tried many alternatives. My boyfriend has been acting distant for the past year. (long time I know) and ever since I havent been able to get him to come close again as he use to be. He has a profile online and he talks to several girls to which he tells me there only online girlfriends only. I believe him yes, because the girls are not from the country he is living in, but the problem is that sometimes he is more interesting is speaking to those girls than to me. Inclusively when he is chatting with me he tells me that he’s gonna leave and then he stays chatting with other girls. I have talk to him about this and I have told him how bad I feel because I truly do. He also doesnt call me like he use to, I try an try and cannot seem to get him to call this part is my fault though because he doesnt call me because I am very shy over the phone so he tells me that that makes him not want to speak to him. So okay I told him that I was sorry and that I was going to work on not being shy. So for the moment while I am working on it that I continue to chat with him but when I try he always wiats for me to initiate the conversation, I ask him stuff about himself to get to know him even more but he never really initiates the conversation, if we spend atleast 2 hours chatting I am the one talking at the most and he is speaking with me and other girls as well. I ask him if there is anything I can help with incase his job or anything is making him stress I want to understand him. But he tells me that the problem is that since we are far the (relationship is long distance) he sometimes feels lonely and acts like that. He said he is willing to wait until he sees me. We have waited for two years, I will see him next year, so thats the other issue how can I keep him interested when he seems to leave everything in mines. Last he also tells me that he is willing to wait but that he doesnt know for how long because he wants to have a kid. He’s 21 and I am 18 I told him we need to wait because I want to keep focuse in school still. But he says he wants a kid now. I am afraid he may later change his mine and just leave with another girl for that but I will try to be ready and put myself first before any guy. Love comes from within I understand. The issues are simple but my bf doesnt seem to cooperate. Please help with any advice because I want to keep my relationship.



  6.  #6Aeva on February 28, 2009 at 5:53 am

    Hi Rori,

    I tried posting this question elsewhere but it’s getting lost in the shuffle of posts and no one seems to really know the answer. Can you help? I can post your answer in the blog where the women are talking about it. Here’s the question:

    Is it okay to stop circular dating if wedding plans are being made or should a woman still circular date until she’s at the altar saying “I do”?

    Also, how do you tell the other men that you’re finished dating them?



  7.  #7Vonda Williams on March 10, 2009 at 1:26 pm

    Hi Rori,
    I have been seeing the same man for 4 years-4 months. I have purchased your program-Have the Relationship you Want, and have been practicing speaking in terms of how I feel. My situation is, there is no commitment, although he says he can and will be faithful, which is a commitment of sorts. The first 31/2 years we were together, but for 8 of the last 12 months he has been working out of town (4.5hours away) on a temporary assignment. He is staying in a hotel and we see each other on average 2 weekends per month. He has a 25 year old daughter and 21 year old son. His son, sons girlfriend and two children, ages 2 and 8 months live with him.

    Last year in March he thought he was going on an assignment that would take him out of the area and his business would purchase and sell his house for him. This would have been good because he would be able to sell the house and get the kids out in one fell swoop (running away from a bad situation that he doesn’t seem to be strong enough to deal with as he should). I stay out of that as much as possible. Since he thought he was leaving, he broke up with me and immediately started seeing another woman in the area where he was working. After a month he contacted me and asked me to give him some time because he was confused. I did, and we started seeing each other again late May. By the beginning of July he said that he knew that he loved me and wanted to be with me. He said that he made a mistake and wanted us to be together.

    He was supposed to come home March 20th for good, but was told this past week that he will be there until the position is filled permantly, which may take another 3 months. Meanwhile, I love him but find it so difficult to handle being alone so much. I try to fill my time with friends and my parents. I feel like it would be ok if he would put some effort into our relationship, but I feel like he makes an obligatory call once per evening and on Saturdays, during the day, and doesn’t call that evening because he goes out. I usually don’t hear from him until late afternoon on Sunday. I really don’t want to date anyone, although a lot of guys have expressed interest, and if I were to date other people, he can and will do the same. My friends tell me that I shouldn’t even go out with guys as friends (knowing that they really want more) because how would I feel if he did the same. It is difficult to use the tools that you speak about in your tapes because we very rarely see one another. I have decided (today) that I am not going to initiate communication with him, and am getting to the point where I don’t think I will answer his call when he does call me.

    I’m so tired…..can you help?



  8.  #8Vonda Williams on March 10, 2009 at 1:28 pm

    Rori,

    I forgot to mention, I am a young 52, no children and a very good job. He is 44.

    Vonda



  9.  #9Rori Raye on March 10, 2009 at 1:43 pm

    Vonda, welcome – If you can keep seeing him every other weekend you should be okay. Get webcams.

    You don’t have to actually “date” – but you have to talk to men and go out with your guy friends. You have to talk feelings with him and feel where he’s at. 3 months is doable as long as you can see him often enough to make plans…Good luck, Love, Rori



  10.  #10LDR Girl on May 19, 2009 at 6:19 pm

    Hello Rori,

    I’ve been reading your posts for a long time already. I especially enjoy learning from your Modern Siren program.

    I am currently in a relationship (I think – Note in PS) and it’s a long-distance thing. We started out by texting each other. I got his number from his sister, whom I met a year ago through a pool party. They’re family friends with our family friend.

    Anyway, so we’ve been texting each other for a year now. And we met for the first time last weekend. I went to his city, stayed in his apartment for 2 days and 2 nights. We had a wonderful time together. He cooked for me and really took care of me. All I did there was sleep, eat and watch movies – he promised to let me relax while I was there.

    Now, the problem is, when I came home, he no longer texts me the way he used to. I don’t know if he’s just busy with work or he just doesn’t feel like connecting.

    I have read all your posts about Long Distance Relationships and I have learned that the best thing that I should do is to LEAVE HIM ALONE. And I am.. I don’t text him anymore. I want him to text me first.

    But I still want to know if I can do something to “change his mind” and be serious with me and the relationship. I really like this guy although he is 7 hours away. I hope and pray that this relationship will work but I am not keeping my expectations high.

    P.S. We became “official” through a joke or something. We’ve been teasing each other about having a serious relationship. I asked him if he’s sure about it, and he said he is. So I said, OK. And that’s it. Then I decided to go over to his place to check if he’s really serious. He was so nice to me when I was there, but we never talked about our so-called relationship and plans about the future. Nothing. We just enjoyed each other’s company mostly watching movies, hugging…

    I don’t really want to be desperate but if there’s a way to attract him, I might as well try it. 😉



  11.  #11Rori Raye on May 20, 2009 at 11:11 pm

    Dear LDR girl, Welcome, and – you’re not going to like my take on your situation. You are NOT in a relationship. The fact that after spending two days with you he’s become less attentive tells you he’s not only not “serious” – he likely is not all that “interested.” the most Siren thing you can do now is to – please, please please Circular Date. Please do not start considering yourself a “girlfriend.” Please open yourself to other men and let this man pursue you or not. Love, Rori



  12.  #12LDR Girl on May 20, 2009 at 11:19 pm

    Dear Rori,

    Thanks a lot Rori, for the advice. I am NOT in a relationship and he is NOT interested in me. I keep on telling myself that FACT, I am not communicating with him anymore. I’m trying to look for ways to enjoy myself with other people. I do hope I can circular date but I don’t know enough guys. I’ll try to go out more often from now on, though. But it still hurts and I wish he’d just be back in my life. 🙁 But really, I know it would be best if I just forget about him.

    As I’ve understood from your reply, there’s absolutely nothing I can do to attract him.. 🙁 Sad.. So, I can’t text him ever? It’s been two days – no communication. I’m not initiating to save myself from rejection.

    Thanks!!!! A lot.



  13.  #13Ginggi on August 12, 2009 at 8:57 am

    Dear Rory,

    I am your fanatic follower of your awsomeness..ok..
    I have been a friend with a guy ( he is in switzerland and i’m in Indonesia) who seems interested in me at first but then i found out that he was in a relationship with other woman from the same country as myself.
    I was disapointed in him for awhile and decided to move on and not have any contact with him.
    But suddenly he contacted me again, and since i thought of him as a friend, we get close again..but still in a friend area. Until once, he said..he wants to have a serious relationship with me. He told me he was breaking up with the girl. but he still contact her..

    Deep down, I’m not sure if he really interested in me or into me seriously..but he said he wants to have family with me, go to see me in five more months and he plans to bring me and my son to his country.
    He keep mentioning and trying to make me believe that what he said about getting serious is real.
    right now, i still waiting for him to come as what he ever promised me..but the real problem was..that, he pulls away from me. he kept distance and we are not as much comunicating as used too.. he text me every one week..

    I always remember your advise to “lean back” or stepping back..i never ask him to online, or to call, i just letting him do what he needs to do. But, i feel that this relationship is going fall apart and i’m scared.
    So please Rory what is your suggestion for me. I know how to focus on me and keep dating other men. But i’m starting to lose faith..that he will leaving me soon.

    thanks Rory



  14.  #14Surf Devi on October 12, 2009 at 9:38 pm

    Wow! I just found this website and it’s totally cool! I’m expecting my siren CD’s tomorrow and my Blueprint CD’s this Friday! Can’t wait.

    Question regarding long distance dating: I met a man in June at a conference, visited him at his house in Atlanta (me in CA) (I initiated the trip after he was unable to come to me because of work… I see after reading Rori’s e-book that was probably a mistake-he needs to come to me, make it happen!). We met at a conference in Arizona 2 weeks ago. Slept in the same bed but no intercourse.

    Now we are planning a trip to Hawaii for New Years. One date for a whole week! So much for keeping dates short!

    I’m wondering if Rori has any advice on how to “be” in a situation like this. Even on the sleeping arrangements, etc!!! Reading Rori’s post above on long distance dating really opened my eyes to what I’m getting into here. I think this guy is super special (or I wouldn’t be doing this… ) and he thinks I am too. Now I see how I’m going to REALLY need to stick to the tools to make this work! I’m excited! Advice welcomed!! 🙂



  15.  #15Surf Devi on October 12, 2009 at 9:41 pm

    by the way… I was taking the lead in planning this trip. Masculine energy. And I was feeling a little resentful for having to do all the work. Until I read Rori. So I just stepped back. And he stepped up and is now doing all the planning. I didn’t even have to ask. And it feels soooo good!!!
    Thanks Rori!



  16.  #16Rori Raye on October 13, 2009 at 7:38 pm

    Brava Surf Devi! Love, Rori



  17.  #17Rori Raye on October 13, 2009 at 7:41 pm

    Surf Devi – I’m not to fond of sleeping together even without sex…it gives the same degree of comfort to a man, almost, if that’s what he’s looking for. If you can handle sex with a man and not get all attached and STILL CIRCULAR DATE…then go ahead if you want to If you’re not sure…then do what feels best to you and just feel secure that it really doesn’t make all that difference. How you relate in the little moments, the Feeling Messages…the vulnerability and connection…that’s what counts. The “arrangements” are usually irrelevant…unless they jump-start discussions on a heart-to-heart level, with truth telling and intimacy – THEN…nearly EVERYTHINg can HELP YOU! Love, Rori



  18.  #18Linda on November 3, 2009 at 9:18 pm

    Hi Rori,
    I met a man on a Med Cruise in September and turns out we live a ferry ride away from one another in Canada. We spent every day together on the cruise, took day trips, had dinner and danced the nights away. Since we’ve been back I’ve seen him every weekend, either me at his home or him at mine. He calls me almost every day and we make advance plans to get together on weekends. Thanks for the tips on not talking about logistics. He’s buying a webcam and I’m training myself to speak in feeling mode. Things are moving forward. I feel really calm (not desperate) about it all, and thanks to your wonderful advice I am carrying on with my fabulous life while getting to know him. I know at some point we will have to make a decision about moving (he’s 56 and never married..I’m 54 and been married twice….grown kids and grandchildren). I’m concerned about your comments regarding long distance and being afraid to commit, and I wonder how to speak to him about that..especially since he has never married. He has had relationships in the past but never married or lived together. Should I be concerned about this? Everything seems to be so great and I don’t want to rock the boat but don’t want to end up heartbroken with a man that can’t commit.
    Your thoughts would be appreciated.
    Thanks SO much for everything you do!
    Hugs…Linda



  19.  #19fed up with distance on November 7, 2009 at 1:45 pm

    Hi Rori!

    I am new to this site, and your program, but I’ve been reading here for hours! I love your insights! I have an unusual circumstance that I need some help with, if you don’t mind…

    My boyfriend and I have been webcamming nearly every day for 2+ years, sometimes 8 – 12 hours at a time!! There’s no doubt in my mind that he would rather spend time with me than any other person in his life. In the first year that we knew each other, he asked me twice to marry him, but both times seemed less like an actual proposal, and more like a suggestion (“You could always come here and marry me.” or “You know my offer is still good, you DO have other options!”, even so far as, “Bring your daughter and your cat and come marry me!” ) – but never going so far as to say, “Will you be mine and marry me?” I took his wording to be a fear of rejection, to have to ask me straight-forward about it. A protective-device, since I was still going through the end of a divorce at the time. Now however, I am not so sure…

    This year, we both scrimped and saved so that I could visit him overseas and meet him for the first time in real life. It was 2 weeks of BLISS!! He took me to meet his family (even the extended family!), introduced me to everyone as his girlfriend, was proud to have me hang out and get to know all his friends. He traipsed me all over his city, and showed me off to anyone that would hear it, lol. We were so happy, and so sure that we were “meant to be” that by the time I’d been home for a month, I already had another plane ticket to go back! Sounds great, right?

    Ok, so I *did* go back, and this time, I moved in with him for 10 weeks over the summer. It was VERY hard! I was in culture shock, and didn’t know the language well (which is ok, between the two of us, because he speaks fluent English, but having to be a translator for me for 10 weeks certainly wore on his patience!!), and being without any friends/family on whom I could count started to take its toll on me.

    After a while, I began clinging very tightly to him, both emotionally and physically! In fact, there were times I’d reach over and clutch his thigh while driving, or under the table at dinner, just because I felt so shaky and insecure!! I feel embarrassed by this, as I’m usually so calm, cool, and confident! I could tell he was less than pleased by his confident-girl having turned into a needy mess! I can’t blame him there, at all! I felt horribly about it, and in an attempt to try and reconnect with him on that deep level we’ve always had, I made many, many humiliating mistakes, by trying to entice him sexually and telling him how much I love him. Instead of pulling closer, he asked me for an open relationship (“Not like I’m going to go out having sex with anyone, but you never know what might happened between now and when we meet again…” – and what did I do? I AGREED so that he wouldn’t feel “suffocated” – ARGH HOW DO I UNDO THAT NOW?!). By the time I left, I felt he was relieved to have his house back to himself. I was in tears.

    Now, I am home again. After 2 weeks or so, he began to talk about how much he missed having me there, how much he wanted to see me again, how he couldn’t wait to meet my daughter, etc. We began talking about my permanent move to live with him, and we were both excited! However, we realized that I needed to learn his language, and that we both needed some time to get things straightened out in our personal lives. Nonetheless, we moved forward with a time line, and I booked my first one-way ticket (with his prompting! “Yes! Come! I can’t wait to have you here with me again!!”). I started mailing him my belongings, spending $1000’s that I didn’t really have, and finalizing things here (gave notice at my job, sold my car, canceled my insurance, etc.).

    Then, a month before the big day, he began to avoid me a bit. I know he’s an “avoider”, when there’s something unpleasant to deal with, so I didn’t think much of it, other than maybe he was nervous about everything. I gave him his space. A week later, he tells me, “I have some bad news: You can’t bring your cat. Landlord won’t allow another cat” – to which I reply, “Well, we can negotiate about that, lol, no worries” Next he says, “And, my friends are telling me that this is a bad road to take, that neither of us will be happy and we’ll both end up hating each other” – to which I reply, “How would they know anyway? They don’t know US, they don’t even know ME very well, and they’ve all got their own personal problems which makes me doubt their advice anyway”

    His reply? “Well Mommy said she doesn’t want you coming here either” – his mother? What? Sure, he lives in a culture where the mother raises the son, puts him on a pedestal, and pretty much mothers him until she dies, no matter how old he is, but… He’s 31 for pete’s sake!! If he wants to marry me, he should be able to stand up and tell his mother so, whether she likes it or not! Right?

    He pointed out that Mommy is indeed the Landlord (she owns the building he lives in), and threatened to throw him out if he had me move in with him. Ok, so… his plan? “Why don’t we wait a few months and see if she cools down?” – ummm NO! I can’t just wait around for months in MY LIFE while he sees if his mommy changes her mind. I have a life to live, and had a job ready to start there, which would have been a promotion in my field, giving me a pension, benefits, & making more money than I ever have! Now, I have no job, no car, no insurance, and I’m stuck here “waiting around’ to see if he’s going to MAN UP and go after what he wants – which I still feel is me.

    I told him, “I think I shouldn’t come back, period, sweetie” and he panicked! “No! Why?! No, love, I just want to give her time to cool off, so you’re not in a hostile situation when you arrive here” – makes sense, but does NOT please me, as I’m sure you can tell.

    I canceled my plane ticket (he wanted me to just change the dates – AND make it into a round trip ticket) and I could visibly see his heart sink when I told him no and canceled it completely. I know he loves me, but he’s just not getting it! I put A LOT on the line for him, and he’s asking me for more, by making me wait.

    When I try to talk to him about “us”, he gets very stressed (which aggravates a medical condition he has) and then prefers to avoid me for a few days as a result. THEN he says, “Well I am too stressed to talk about this now, or I’m going to say something I’ll regret!” – which seems like a veiled threat of breaking up with me, if I try to talk to him about “us”.

    Rori, I am so frustrated and scared now. In fact, I break into tears all the time! I have made HUGE life plans with this momma’s-boy, who I thought was ready to be a man and go after what HE wants. Now it seems, he’s cowering again behind Mommy’s apron. He NEVER did that while I was there! I think my support and “being on his side” gave him the confidence he needed to do/say what he truly felt in re: Mommy. Not only that, but I could FEEEEL that he loved being a man and taking care of me!

    Now that he’s on his own again, however, it’s another story entirely. Mommy has even set him up with “Bride-dates” with family acquaintances to try and get him married off to someone rich and of their culture!! And he goes on these dates! (not that any of them interest him, but THAT’S NOT THE POINT!!) Why won’t he tell her NO and that he’s already found the woman he intends to marry? Better yet, why hasn’t he asked me again to marry him, with a ring and all?

    How do I give him (or help him to find?) that FIRE inside again? The one that gave him the strength and desire to be a MAN and do/say what he felt?

    Also, I think that I am failing to attract him now. He used to blow everyone off (even going in late to work!) to sit at the computer and cam with me for hours on end! He went so far as to get unlimited international calling so he could call me when I had to go away from the computer – even just to shower or make dinner!

    Now, I might get a message from him once a day or even every other day, to “check in”. We still spend some days on cam for hours, but I feel like I’m just a sidekick now, while he works, because he doesn’t even look at the camera very often. It feels like it’s just “routine” – and BORING. 🙁

    I miss “us”, and want so badly to re-kindle that passion that used to make him yell into the phone @ Mommy, “NOT NOW, MOTHER, I AM SPENDING TIME WITH MY GIRL!!” I want him to call me his soul-mate again, like he used to. I want him to make eyes and blow kisses into the camera like he used to. Or to call me on the phone when I’m not online, just because he couldn’t wait for me to get online!

    This is the same man who 1 year ago randomly surprised me with a plush pony in my favorite color, just so I’d have something to remind me of him while I was on a 4 day business trip! Last month he forgot my birthday until the last minute and even then, failed to get me any sort of gift. He doesn’t think about me when we’re not online together, apparently. How do I make him think of me all day long, like he used to? (He once told me, in the early days of our relationship, that he was a fool for me, and spent nearly every moment of every day thinking of me, wondering what I was doing, and wishing we could be together).

    Just a clarifying component: We have never had any sort of sex via webcam/emails/etc. When I stayed with him this summer, that was our first sexual encounter with one another, and although it went really slowly, it was fantastic! – at first. By the end of the summer he never seemed “in the mood.” When I asked him about it, he told me he was “bored to go have sex”. ??? What?! I had no idea how to respond, so I didn’t say anything, just walked into the bedroom and cried to myself.

    I think he realizes I’m “the one” but, I also think he thinks he can keep me around as-is forever, waiting. I have ordered, and am waiting on delivery of “Reconnecting your Relationship”, but do you have any tips specific to my situation? I’ve really grown to hate webcamming lately, but it’s the only way we have to stay connected…

    Thanks just for reading this and letting me get it all off my chest!

    ~Feeling Hopeless

    PS. I’ve already started to date a little, but he has no idea, since he’s not even in this country! Should I tell him? I want him to know I’m not sitting around here waiting! I want him to know that this OPEN RELATIONSHIP he wanted works both ways! 😉



  20.  #20Rori Raye on November 9, 2009 at 9:54 pm

    fedup with distance – so sorry for your situation…and –you’ve started on the right track, Circular Dating. You don’t have to tell him anything, because there is no exclusive contract here, far as I can tell. but if YOU think there is, then have the “no girlfriend” speech with him, so that you feel authentic. Don’t get into a discussion about it. Reconnect will help you tremendously. I can help you more once you’ve started working with the program…until it arrives and you start practicing the Tools – read everything you can here about Circular Dating…and let us know how that’s going. Love, Rori



  21.  #21Kris Palmer on January 2, 2010 at 4:31 pm

    Hi Rori,
    I have the “Have the Relationship you want” and it has helped alot in my feelings regarding a long distance relationship.

    I met him on online dating 4-1/2 yrs ago, and it has been a real roller coaster ride. He only made it to see me once, and he was not physically feeling well at the time, and it just fell apart. We do famously on the phone, but it is not what I want.

    Each time we start to re-engage in the phone conversations (we “break up” regularly) he sets the intention to come down and even puts a date on it, but it doesn’t materialize. This last time, I waited a bit to see if he was going to make it happen, but could feel it was going the same way. I confronted him and said “when are you coming?”, he said “When do you want me”, and I said “next week” – which was the date he had mentioned several weeks before. He had some excuses that I did not speak to, but I did say “If for any reason you have changed your mind, I will not be upset or angry”. He said he needed to look at the flight schedules, and I have not heard from him since. This was 10 days before Christmas.

    I sent him a Christmas card (actually was a card with a Florida scene, since I live in FL and he loves FL!) about a week later – I wrote “Merry Christmas” inside, put a little smiley face and signed my name. On the outside flap I wrote “Don’t worry, be happy” I did this to let him know that, in fact, I was OK with everything. And I am. It will probably take a lot of effort for him to contact me again as he knows that either he has to do it or forget it.

    I feel he is a person with large intimacy problems, and although I might have attracted him for some of those same reasons within myself, I know that that is not what I want to feel and have.

    I have been contacted by another guy who lives in TX. We have had only 2 phone conversations. I am very patiently letting him drive the boat. I will let him decide if we will meet.

    I am dating several local men anyway, and, quite frankly, they seem to just come out of the woodwork with no or little effort on my part. I will mention that during those last phone conversations with the guy I mentioned in the beginning…I was dating 2 other men while talking to him, something that I had not done previously.

    I am not having any problems with any of this – I would rather not take any action. Less work. I am not completely sure of how any of this will go, however, anything that is different than my behavior before seems to feel better.

    I am also starting my own business and making lots of friends along the way. I inline skate, yoga, am on a weight lifting program, target shoot, and listen to lots of upligting audio programs while driving. I find that when men discover all my interests, that they are simply intrigued. They immediately start to compare what they do with what I do.
    Kris



  22.  #22Rori Raye on January 2, 2010 at 8:15 pm

    Kris – You sound fantastic! You’re doing great – sounds like you’re using this Long-Distance thing (I know you know it’s an Imaginary Relationship…but it’s doing something good for you…) – to help keep you grounded no matter what happens in your every-day with real men you’re actually in the presence of. You go girl! Love, Rori



  23.  #23Brenda on January 11, 2010 at 4:57 pm

    Hi Rori,

    I am a recording artist-singer/songwriter and I’m fairly well known in my genres so meeting men to date can be tricky if they are not in a similar business. About a month ago, I broke up with a man who was a motorcycle racer. I felt it might be a good match because of the nature of the racing business…part sport, part entertainment. While I was dating him I would talk to a music producer I started working with who lives in NYC and I lived in SF Bay area. I knew he had a crush on me but I would talk to him about the motorcycle guy like he was one of my girlfriends and I think he used reverse psychology on me because I ended up talking myself into breaking up with the motorcycle guy and as soon as I did he pounced and told me he loved me. We have never met in person. Well, right after that I went through some very hard times, I suddenly became homeless, was couch surfing, was broke and started drinking A LOT. I snapped out of it after a couple of weeks and went to live with my parents in the NW.

    He supported me through the whole thing, told me he was there for me day or night and he would never tell a soul what I was going through (i called him extremely intoxicated a few times).

    2 days before I left CA he called me and I told him I was leaving to go live with my parents and he told me how proud he was of me and how much he learned about how far he would go for someone he loved. he even called my SF producer who is one of my best friends and they swore each other to secrecy while they tried to figure out a way to get through to me. He told me all this while I was on my cell phone sitting in a coffee shop in downtown San Rafael, CA (Aroma’s) and I went to the back and sat on the couch and had my first experience of “melting” in the presence of a man (even tho it was over the phone). He told me how much he loved me (working on music, especially the kind we do, very romantic and spiritual, is very bonding…I have a special bond with everyone I work with gay, straight, male, female) and that he was going to fly out to the NW to see me as soon as he could. so, after i got here we resumed working on music and he also called to tell me exactly the time frame he is shooting to be here. at this point now, I’m falling hard for this guy…but I told him, not to expect sex on his visit…he is very well known for his womanizing…and he told me that he was not at all implying sex and that “we” need some private time to be together, he can have sex with pretty much anyone he wants, as well as I can, and he wants my “breath” and my “presence.” and he wants to meet my parents.

    so, we are not asking each other to stop seeing other people or anything like that and I’m so pleased at how he responded about the sex thing…I have never experienced anyone like him. as for me, I’m a very young 42 (he’s 38) and I look and feel more like 30…and I’m ready for marriage. I’m dating other guys and I am not going to have sex with any of them. I’m not jealous of the women he is still getting together with because he’s just seeing them for sex and they throw themselves at him so…

    in my heart, I know he is the kind of man I want as a husband but I’m not going to rush into anything, either. my hormones are RAGING to nest and bond but waiting for a commitment feels delicious…and taking it slow and enjoying this process it what he wants, too. i’m not even going to sleep in the same bed with him…I know that I will start bonding and I’m going to explain that to him because it’s true and I feel so protective of myself and my state *and* the relationship.

    so, I’m going to devour that e-book because I’ve never cared about a relationship lasting and getting to marriage – ever in my whole life before. i’m going to keep my eye on this long-distance blog!

    thanks,

    brenda



  24.  #24Rori Raye on January 12, 2010 at 10:55 pm

    Brenda, Welcome, and thank you for your great story…I look forward to hearing how this goes for you! Love, Rori



  25.  #25Brenda on January 13, 2010 at 10:37 pm

    Well…he hadn’t contacted me for a few days and now I am completely confident in my feminine power…my intuition is ALIVE. I knew…he is going through something…he was supposed to send me some music that we are releasing on a major record label in UK and hasn’t…not like him. So, I just chilled out *knowing* that when he started to miss me he would contact me. Kept focus on my work and I post the latest on the projects I’m working on on Facebook for my fans and friends so he knows what I’m up to, and I am up to some really cool stuff. I saw that he had posted on his Facebook page (through the News Feed) that he had gotten some really bad news and was feeling extremely angry…of course, all his groupies posting condolences and some even begging to “help him feel better” and my intuition kicked in again and said to me, “this is an appropriate time to leave him a comment.” When I was going through the tail end of my hard times he wrote me and said, “this too shall pass…” and so, I posted on his page, “remember what you told me, this too shall pass.” a few hours later he sent me an email and it said, “I wanna tell you I love you so much and wish you were in my arms everynite woman…” Of course, I freaked out with joy…I’m still going on dates (i have one tomorrow night) and I’m staying open and single…may the best man win…boy, this sure is fun 🙂 oh, he told me on the phone last week that he was done with all the women…and he publicly has been making this known to his fan base (without mentioning me of course). And, if the women he’s been sleeping with freak out when he says no more messing around with him (and a few have) he talks about it on his page…I really feel for those women. I hope to be a subtle influence on the groupies that hound his page should things turn out to turn long term for us.



  26.  #26Pooja on April 6, 2010 at 7:24 pm

    Hi Rori-

    Okay, I really need some help here. If you can provide some insight into this strange situation I would immensely appreciate it.

    I had met this guy on a matrimonial site (we’re Indian so it’s a matrimonial site instead of dating site) about a year ago but the timing just wasn’t right so we were kind of friends just talking once in a while.. nothing that serious. We lost touch in the middle and he was with someone else for a while and then she broke his heart. We started talking again through text in October and then started talking on phone in December. We had really long phone conversations and we just really hit it off. He would text me throughout the day and even sent me a daily poem which he made up just for me! He’s in NY and I’m in CA so the distance is a problem… he was always telling me to come there and I told him to come here. We were hoping things would work out so we would get married eventually. Even though we hadn’t met face to face, we liked each other that much. He was calling me sweetie, honey, etc too.

    Anyways, in February he booked tickets to come meet me. We just met last weekend and had an awesome time. He came with friends but we also had some alone time. We didn’t plan on it but ended up kissing also. However, the day after that, he said he was very confused about everything because of the distance, he feels has to get a better job before getting married, and he can’t get married until his elder sister gets married (it’s a thing in our culture). I told him its okay and i understand.. moreover I also told him i am not objected to moving there and he said that’s good. He still would hug me and kiss me, etc but I could tell he was preoccupied. When he left for NY again things seemed fairly positive.

    However, it’s now a week later and he’s just acting so different. He still texts me few times a day (normal) but he doesn’t say a lot and hasn’t sent me poems or joked around much or called me sweetie, honey etc like he used to. It just seems like something shifted after we met… I read tarot cards and it indicates he is telling the truth about being preoccupied with these worries, etc and he needs to set priorities (he also mentioned this in a facebook status). He just seems very confused… Also, when he came back he got more responsibilities at work so he’s very busy too. I haven’t talked to him on the phone since he returned but the work thing could be the reason.. I am not sure.

    I just don’t know what to do. I am trying to lean back as much as possible but it’s so difficult when this thing is eating me up inside! I even asked him today if everything is okay cuz he seems different and he said he just has so much on his plate right now with work. So I said okay and left it at that… I’m not sure what else, if anything, I should ask him.

    I just want to know if I am proceeding correctly in this and if there is anything I can do or say to find out what’s going on for sure. I mean, Tarot does offer a lot of insight and help into the situation and has been accurate so far but I still want to hear it from him and actually have a REAL conversation about it. It bugs me that i haven’t been able to talk to him about it… is this forbidden or should I call him and ask him what’s going on?

    Any advice for me?? I really want to get to the bottom of this… I don’t want the momentum to drop and would love to go meet him again soon. I just need to know if I should do that at all… and I feel like I won’t know until I talk to him. Until then it’s gonna eat away at me.

    Please help, Rori! I like this guy so much and I know he likes me too… I just am not sure how to handle this situation with all the confusion, etc. Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks!!!!

    *Pooja*



  27.  #27Dutch girl on April 26, 2010 at 8:53 am

    Hi Rori,

    I have been in a relationship for almost two years, of which the past 8 months have been long-distance. My boyfriend and I will graduate this Summer and we’ll start looking for jobs. My job opportunities are best in the city I currently live in, so career-wise I would prefer to stay here.

    My boyfriend however, is reluctant to move to or look for jobs in the city where I live. He says that he wouldn’t feel comfortable there and he doesn’t want to leave all his friends behind (he also still lives with his parents).

    We have a wonderful relationship and he loves me very much, but I would like to know how I could ‘speed up’ the process of him stepping up so we can live closer together and move our relationship forward.

    It would be great if you could give me some suggestions!



  28.  #28Rori Raye on April 26, 2010 at 12:47 pm

    Dutch Girl, Welcome – and this is a powerfully important negotiation. I’m sorry to say, but if you want a relationship with this man, in terms of logistics – where you live, that sort of thing…you’ll have to follow his lead. I hope you can negotiate in good faith some kind of compromise city that will be an adventure for both of you. Making him come to you is not something you can control right now – because he’s already said no. Think outside the box….Love, Rori



  29.  #29Kris Palmer on April 26, 2010 at 1:30 pm

    My long distance guy (Ken) and I are communicating regularly once again. And now I have a question that I might be making more of it than I need to – trying to see the situation from a bird’s eye view is not always easy.

    There was a 2-1/2 period that he and I did not communicate at all. During that time through some activities I became involved in where I live, I met several ladies who live about 20 miles from Ken. I have never mentioned this to him simply because I could not see any reason to.

    Both of these ladies have invited me to visit, and I have taken them up on the offer. I am going up to visit from Jun2 -9.

    I have thought of telling him that I would be up there, and actually would like to. However, I am not sure how to broach the subject – he might very well wonder why I never mentioned them before – since Ken and have been talking on and off since last Nov.

    I could just be honest and tell him that I didn’t feel comfortable telling him. I have felt for some time that he is uncomfortable about getting together in person again, but who knows? I have just mostly accepted the relationship as it is and treat it like “phone buddies”.

    I sometimes just say to myself – well, if he were a girlfriend I would just mention it and not think twice about at what point I might tell her. This relationship with Ken has not been a boyfriend-girlfriend and certainly not a dating one – but “phone buddies”. In my thoughts I would wish it were more, but the reality is….

    So, my question is – how do I tell him? I would love to see him, of course, but would leave that up to him to decide once he knows.

    Kris



  30.  #30Jen on July 2, 2010 at 9:24 am

    Hi Rori,

    I have an unusual situation that I hope you can help with. I met a great guy! We had only been out a few times when he found out he was being sent to China (he’s a consultant) for a 9-12 mo. project – in a few days!! We went to dinner the night before he left and it was very nice. We’ve emailed and texed since he’s been there – all on his inititative. He even called me once. He’s been gone a month now and I’m feeling sad because things aren’t moving along more quickly. I’d like to see us email or call more often but I don’t know how or if I should say anything. The last I heard from him was 5 days ago and I’m frustrated. I know there is a huge time difference (12 hrs) but I would like to see us talk on a more consistent pace. Should I go there? If so, what should I say? Or should I just let him do what he can do and accept what he gives. I am dating others here in the states, by the way. The other thing is he is VERY shy at times and out of practice. I think he’s been so dedicated to work that he’s a bit awkward on what to do. The other thing is…I rejected him on our first date….we didn’t have our second date until months later, after we ran into each other and I suddenly saw him in a much different way. He mentioned me giving him the “Heisman” a few times during the second go around. So, I’m not sure if perhaps he’s thinking I don’t want to pursue this as an option.
    Help!!



  31.  #31Annie on August 18, 2010 at 5:53 pm

    Hi Rori!!

    I feel so much more impowered by your wisdom and attractive too. Thank you for showing me another way to look at relationships, and men!

    Here is what I am struggling with, and i will be brief. I met a wonderful man through eharmony. He lives 5 hours away. We have been chatting nonstop, pretty much daily and often in the evenings for hours! We have everything in common, we are both VERY attracted to each other. We send videos of ourselves and are just kind and enjoy talking about everything.

    Heres my major problem…. He hasn’t called me! Its been almost 2 months. I have lightly approached the subject (but was clear) of him calling. He just said he would be completely addicted to calling me if he started now.
    Last week he has decided to finish up his contract with this company he works with and will start his new job so that he can have “a real relationship”, those were his words. And asked me what I thought about it.

    I dont understand why hes not calling. And all of that is ok. Maybe i am doing or not doing something to make him feel safe enough to take the next leap????????

    what do you think? In all of it he is such a good person. but that doesnt mean hes the one for me, right?

    confused annie



  32.  #32Rori Raye on August 18, 2010 at 6:32 pm

    Annie – unless I misunderstand – you haven’t MET him – and so you know nothing of him. He isn’t calling because he doesn’t feel like it. Please, please do not make anything of this man…he’s NOTHING to you right now. Please Circular Date with real men in the flesh locally – use match.com and local small online sites and get OUT there! Love, Rori



  33.  #33Annie on August 18, 2010 at 6:42 pm

    No, your right, I have NOT met him. I am out there talking to other men on eharmony too.
    I am going to get out there more! thanks for the advice.
    It totally feel like some weird cyber relationship which is so unfilfilling.
    Thank you Rori.



  34.  #34Surf Devi on September 23, 2010 at 11:46 am

    OK Rori. I’m ready to do it your way!!!!

    I’ve been dating a guy a little over a year in a long distance. Me in CA, him in GA. I’ve been taking the lead, pushing the relationship along. Now he has cold feet and wants space. He says he doesn’t know if he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. He knows I’m ready for marriage. He says space will help him know what he wants.

    So how do I do this? He wants to keep calling me. He said he’d like to get together around New Year’s AS FRIENDS to see how he feels.

    How do I lean back and this?

    THANKS A BUNCH!!!



  35.  #35Surf Devi on September 25, 2010 at 8:06 am

    Hi again.

    I’ve been reading your blog, looking for direction. On the one hand, I think, just tell him goodbye, I don’t want to be just friends. On the other hand, I don’t want to cut him off. He says he still is not sure. He says he feels like I have the next 5 years of our relationship planned… that it is going to fast for him. And I know I did that. Took the lead.

    So what do I say/do when he calls? I want to say “call me when you know what you want. Call me if you want to rekindle a romantic relationship” What to do….

    So Rori, I’d like some help here. And I’d like some help with learning to stay in my feminine energy. I was looking at your CD programs and am having a hard time deciding with would be best for me. Heart Connection? Targeting Mr. Right? Commitment Blueprint?

    Which one explains circular dating? When I read about that in your posts and think about doing it, it makes me feel very uncomfortable… which is why I probably need to do it! I need to find out why this make me feel uncomfortable. I’ve never dated more than one guy at a time. For some reason, it feels wrong. What’s that about? I wonder.

    Thanks in advance. I hope you answer and can help me out here!



  36.  #36Mattina on November 27, 2010 at 6:27 am

    hi. i’ve been in a long distance relationship for the past 3 months. he lives 8 hours away and because he is unable to drive (due to a dui) i drive there to see him monthly. When i met him, he was depressed and upset that he had no money and no job and being the person that i am, i sent him money and also helped him find a job (yes, i know i was giving too much but didn’t know any better until i used the modern siren tools). since then he recently quit this job because he was getting a sore back from it and could hardly walk so now he’s without money once again. i told him that i would help in pay his bills until he could find another job (again this is before modern siren).
    while visiting him, i helped him put piping in for his woodstove (i love doing stuff like this) and this past american thanksgiving, he was without his family so he asked that i call him to be with him during this day. (it was prime time for me and felt it was worth it). since then, when his facebook friends ask him how his holiday went he tells them he spent it alone all by himself and was lonely and that the w/e before he put the piping in by himself completely ignoring the fact that i was there or that i was talking to him all day. i used the feeling messages after i grounded myself and he said to me that i have to stop feeling that way and that he was depressed about his family not inviting him over etc. he seems to be getting to be a drama king and though i’ve used feeling messages, if theyre about something that i don’t like then he says to stop feeling that way. i do not call him first or email him first and haven’t called him since. i know that i promised to send him money to help him out and the tools suggest to stop doing anything cold turkey, how do i do that when i know he needs it.
    i think i also need to start circular dating and will be getting that targeting mr right and toxic men series next.
    thanks sirens and rori



  37.  #37Rori Raye on November 28, 2010 at 11:52 pm

    Mattina, Welcome – and you already have your own answers…move on from this experience, and, with what yu now know – you’ll find a great man and be happy. He isn’t it. No need to send anything. Love, Rori



  38.  #38mattina on December 10, 2010 at 9:24 pm

    Dear Rori, thank you so much for your response. sometimes the truth is harder to hear, when you know what it is especially when i feel attached to him. Thanks again for your support.



  39.  #39Gayle on January 12, 2011 at 7:38 am

    Hi Rori,

    I just received your Modern Siren program and am thoroughly enjoying it! I have been reading your comments regarding long distance relationships and I wanted some advice from you. I met a man a few months ago who resides in California, but was in Ohio visiting family for a few weeks. I felt an instant connection with him when we met and really enjoyed our time together while he was here. He emailed me once he returned home and said he missed me. I told him that I also missed him. We have been emailing each other on a regular basis ever since he went back home. He said it would be wonderful if I could come out to visit him. I actually wanted to go and even looked into airfare and hotels. He said he could help me with hotel arrangements if I wanted him to do that. I had a phone conversation with him recently and it seemed like he wasn’t that interested in me coming to visit him. I decided to email him and tell him that I am getting mixed signals from him. I also told him that I don’t want to just be an email buddy or the girl back in Ohio that he can contact whenever he comes back to visit. We are both in our mid 50’s and I don’t want to play games. I can’t seem to get him out of my mind and want to pursue my feelings for him. I feel that he is pulling away. Thanks for any input you can give me. Gayle



  40.  #40Jane on January 12, 2011 at 2:40 pm

    Dear Rori,
    I am in the U.K. and saw a man in a U.S. prison on TV a few months ago and was extremely attracted to him, not only physically but by his personality and sense of humour. I am also from the U.S. and was already intending to move back there anyway this year before this. He was saying that he wanted to get married if he could find the right person and wanted to meet somebody on paper first, so I looked up his address and wrote to him. He wrote back, and we have been corresponding ever since on a very open and honest level. We are both in our 50’s and divorced. He has never asked me for anything. Even though we haven’t met in person, I have very strong feelings for him, although I’m not in love with him yet, and feel that he is the right one for me. He is not allowed many things from the outside, so I have made some handmade greeting cards for him and a handmade calendar to try to make him feel special, but as he doesn’t have the phone or e-mail, the only method of communication is by writing. I told him right from the beginning that I wouldn’t marry a man who was still in prison, and I have been very authentic with expressing who I am and that I have a strong sense of values and high standards. He will be getting out by 2014, possibly sooner. I am working on recovering from a long and serious illness, which is necessary before I can move back to the U.S., so I am not in a position to go out and try to meet other men, and I really have no interest in doing that. If I hadn’t seen this man, I wouldn’t even have been interested, having been deserted by my ex-husband. I think I might be getting there on my own, but I would like to know, please, what I can do through letter writing to win his heart. Thanks.



  41.  #41Rori Raye on January 12, 2011 at 8:44 pm

    Gayle – If you know anyone in California – go visit him. Otherwise – long distance sucks – and I like your straightforwardness. Share with him your feelings as you did here with us…Love, Rori



  42.  #42Rori Raye on January 12, 2011 at 8:54 pm

    Jane – I actually know a woman who was very attracted to relationships with men in prison – so I understand the pull for you. I also understand the awfulness of having long illness and fighting through that, and not having interest in men in the everyday world you’re in right now. I also know that the letter writing and other qualities of this are staples of old-time romance. My hope is that you’ll put all your energy into recovering, getting out in the world and making friends, and getting yourself less isolated. There is nothing more isolated than a man in prison, and my guess is you identify with him tremendously. If you were my client, I would encourage you to use the qualities of these feelings you have to help you heal physically. Consider him a support for you. And when you’re well enough to get out there and Circular Date (it’s not about “dating”) – that will help you put everything into perspective and to do what best serves you. Waiting until 2014 does not seem like a good plan to me. A man’s heart cannot be won until he sees you and touches you – so it cannot be anything but imaginary until then. Enjoy the imaginary for now…. Love, Rori



  43.  #43Jane on January 13, 2011 at 12:54 am

    Thank you very much for your comments, Rori. I am not attracted to men in prison, only this man who happens to be in prison, and yes, I do identify with someone in prison right now, due to feeling imprisoned in my body due to the illness. Although my marriage ultimately ended in divorce, it was a very long one, and my husband and I were actually penpals for over a year before we met, during which time we got to know each other very well and had developed feelings for each other also, so that when we finally met it was a very short time before he asked me to marry him. I can understand why you would say the situation with the man in prison is imaginary, but the prison situation, by the very nature of it, is not like the outside world, and even though I am sure there have been prison marriages that have not worked out, there have been quite a few successful ones. I don’t know how to put this exactly, but the very nature of the prison situation seems to create closer relationships than might occur in a more natural setting between people in the outside world. As I mentioned before, I have not otherwise been interested in men for a long time. If I should meet anybody in the outside world who is of interest to me when I am feeling better, I would probably go out with him, but when I am feeling better and back in the U.S., I do intend to go to the prison and meet this man in person and see what happens from there. If the feelings are still there, and he has them too, then I would be able to visit him on a regular basis, and in a couple of years he will be in a minmum security facility where there will be more freedom. I don’t see a problem with waiting until 2014 if we both decide we want to be together. I understand what you are saying about seeing and touching. I have sent him a photo, so he has seen me, although not in person. I have taken in what you have said about the situation. In spite of that, though, do you have any suggestions as to what sort of way to write to him to lead up to the possibility of winning his heart in the meantime? Thanks very much.



  44.  #44Kara on February 22, 2011 at 7:53 am

    Hi Rori, I have your ebook and reconnect cds. They have helped me tremendously. But I have hit a snag and need some help. I am in a long distance relationship, and have been for about 1 1/2 years. He has already asked me to marry him. And yes, we have physically been together. Here’s my dilemma….We met on facebook. For a while now, he has me blocked from his facebook, because he gives hearts and sweet talks other women, and receives it from them! He even had 2 women tell him they love him, and he accepted it! (he blocked me because he said I am jealous, and it will stop the fighting….I would not feel angry if he would not talk to and allow others to talk to him like that)

    I have practiced leaning back with other issues, and have allowed him to dance (I wasn’t sure he would). At the same time, have ignored the online issue.

    Last night, a woman said she loved him, and he liked her post. And that was my final straw! I told him “I feel enraged! I need to walk away and smoke” so I did. I barely spoke when I came back to the computer. He is very aware of my issue. I left it at saying “I will not pretend it does not bother me anymore. I do not like feeling hurt and disrespected. I will no longer tolerate that”

    I need to know if what I said was ok. What should I have said? I did not want to attack him, but did not know what words to say. I am leaning back now, to see what he will do. When and if, he approaches this subject, what do I say? It is not acceptable and I will not be in a relationship like that anymore. What words do I use to relay that, and to get him to want to change?

    I have used your tools and it has helped in so many ways, but I can’t seem to get this one problem solved.
    Thank You,
    Kara



  45.  #45Kara on February 22, 2011 at 7:56 am

    Also, I know he loves me, as he tells me frequently, and he says he adores me, was born for me. Before I even knew about your tools, he just kept coming back to me when I was being horrible.

    So, I know he can dance. I just can’t seem to figure out how to get this one issue to disappear!



  46.  #46Femininewoman on February 22, 2011 at 8:05 am

    Kara here is the link to the current article
    https://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/dating/what-to-do-with-an-imaginary-relationship/comment-page-24/#comment-98358
    you might wish to go there to get others opinions also.



  47.  #47Anna on March 28, 2011 at 7:39 pm

    Hi Rori,

    Thanks for your program “Have the Relationship you Want”. I try to apply all the tools that you mentioned there, even got brave enough and did “no to a girlfriend” speech to this guy I’ve been talking to for about a month now and really like, might even love (which I haven’t told him yet, want him to be first).

    I met him at a night club while visiting a friend for the weekend in a different state. I wasn’t looking for anything but having fun, dancing my feet off. Plus I was seeing somebody back home. We live 2,000 miles away from each other. We exchanged numbers that night.
    Since then we’ve been texting and talking every single day all day long. After 2 weeks of such intense communication, I wanted to see if he’s worth my time and energy (I rememeber your, Rori, intake on long distance relationships, that he’s isn’t even in a row boat). So I went to visit him to see if we have chemistry. Those 2 days were amazing. I was using feeling messages, was leaning back, practicing listening on level 2.
    It’s important to mention that I mentioned from the beginning that I was looking for serious relationships and that I was not moving anywhere until I got engaged.
    So in those 2 days we talked a lot about important subjects regarding what we are looking for in a spouse, even talked about the role of religion in our future family (were so into each other, didn’t even watch a movie).
    Then I went back home and he went to Vegas for the weekend (an annual trip with his buddies). I didn’t expect to hear as often from him while he was there but I was wrong. He kept texting and even calling me more than usual about how much he misses me and wants to be with me. That’s when I texted him “no girlfriend” speech. I was ready for the worst, because it’s been only 3 weeks since we met, so we were not boyfriend and girlfriend.
    His answer surprised me, his main concern was about “keeping my options open”, and then he said that he wants us to be a girlfriend and boyfriend but the distance has to be addressed and changed. He got all excited about picking a city where to live.

    Here is the problem, he says he doesn’t feel comfortable taking this big step as proposal without trying to live and date in the same city to make sure we are as compatible as it seems like. (He’s religious and doesn’t want to live together before marriage, we did have sex though). I understand and don’t want him to do something that he doesn’t feel 100% sure about. But he really wants to be in the same city with me, so do I.

    I don’t know what to do: stick to my rule “no ring, no moving” or risk and trust my feelings? For now, we plan to see each other again in 3 weeks, and try to do so at least once a month. What are some alternatives to get to know each other, should we take short trips?

    Thanks in advance Rori,



  48.  #48Diane on May 4, 2011 at 6:41 pm

    Ok, I am reading all this and learning so much. I have been seeing this man (a widower) for almost 2 yrs–sort of. Before I understood “feelings talk” I was very needy and one day took exception when he called me his special friend, I wanted him to say more. We were getting closer and closer, seeing each other every 2 weeks. Then I made those rude needy comments and didn’t hear from him again. After 3 full months I called him to ask about some stuff he left here–only. I was trying to move on. We started talking again. But I also started online dating and have continued to do so until recently. Part of the break was also a loss of his business, he was very depressed trying to find work. Business is still slow but we have seen each other 4 times in last few months. I still don’t hear regularly…but I did tell him in a feeling way that I did not want to be just a ‘friend’. I am practicing feeling talk. I used to send him letters, occasional gifts. I still do, but no gifts. He is very loving when we see each other, but has never told me he loves me, he told me in the past he “had strong feelings for me” and once during our split called me, drunk, and told me he missed me and loved me. We never argue, we just don’t need to, we enjoy each others company during our brief visits. He talks to me about very personal stuff, kids, family, financial worries. All the other men, no one creates the feelings he does for me. So what is next? He still is unable to afford to travel often. But how 2000 miles away do I help this move to the next level? When we met he was purchasing a home nearby, business collapse he had to take the deposit back and now cannot sell his home. I am not currently seeing anyone else, but was till recently. Can I ask him what his intention is? Do I avoid talking about my feelings for him? I want to draw him closer, but how?



  49.  #49Siren-to-be on June 5, 2011 at 3:40 pm

    Hi Rori, hi everyone!

    Rori, first of all, what a wonderful finding! I am SO glad to be able to read your wise thoughts and share what I have come to learn! I am not from the US and found your website by accident. Congrats for the great job you’ve been doing! Also, I know how busy you are, but I would really appreciate having a response from you.

    I met a guy online about 5 months ago. He is 16 years older then me and we come from different countries. It took us about a month to get over this age gap and after some time we finally did, we realized that we wanted to meet in person someday soon. He did come to meet me in my country after almost 4 months; neither of us wanted to wait for so long before meeting in person for the first time if there was great online chemistry as well as same goals at this very moment in life, which are to find our best friend, fall in love and build a family. We both figured that it might work between us and that we would like to meet in person, therefore he came over. He showed to be very serious from the beginning about his intentions and this was the only reason why I have pursued things with him so far, and overcome the age gap thing. Oh, we would talk every single day and night, while he was at work during the day he would show up and later at night we would webcam.

    I will try to make a long story short. He came over, it was great and our online chemistry was transferred to real life. We said to one another while he was here that we wanted to meet one another again in person someday soon and so we would start to plan on a next trip. Ok, after couple weeks he was gone, he started acting weirdly; he was short in words, cold and not as sweet and funny as before and I started to become worried about it all. Had I made anything wrong? I am so ‘light’, never pushed him about anything, yet he stopped asking for webcaming at nights with me (we would do this every single night since the very fist day we live chatted) and he started to sign in again to the website where the both of us had met through. I had closed my account there after some time talking with him ’cause I am focused and could not get to know more than one man deeply at the same time. Anyhow, he still had his profile on and now sometimes would sign in and be a slow talker with me at night. I asked if there was anything getting him worried or something like that and he gave me explanations that I did not want to believe in. I guess I wanted to believe that the ‘problem’ was between the both of us, mainly in me. He was still patient as always, but not as sweet and close as before – I felt.

    I realized it might be our age gap that was bothering him somehow now… I assumed that he might have realized that after meeting me it was still a problem for him so I asked him about this and he said that such age gap might be a problem in the future, not in the present though and that he is concerned about me not being happy with him within 15 years or so. In a long conversation, I showed him that he might be too worried about the future instead of living the present and be happy and he agreed.

    Anyways I started to freak out, because I had started to fall for him and him for me, but his words would just not match his attitudes. That is when I found you, Rori. First step: no being exclusive with a man if there is no commitment on his end. I had my profile back up in on the website and started to meet new guys (‘circular dating’). Second step: I let him look out for me only. He had always done this, but lately I had started to do it and felt like his girlfriend and I knew it was not right. I stopped instant messaging him, asking to webcam at night or even being as sweet as I was before when he would show up. My time that was spent exclusively with him before, in order to get to know him a lot better, started to be shared with other guys I am getting to know and one day he complained about my ‘short time’ or ‘focus loss’ and lost his patience at the situation. He said he wanted to talk to me when I was available only, and I said just ‘ok’, and I guess he noticed I did not care. He came back in a few minutes, because I really did not care or stopped to do what he wanted me to. Sometimes I am craving for talking with him all night and giving him all my attention and love, but I just don’t anymore, and I guess he’s noticed that as well.

    He knows I am a great catch, great woman, good looking and many men could be running after me (many do, but I do not care ‘cause they usually never meet my requirements in order to get into a relationship). He is wise guy and knows what he wants, therefore I believe that the best thing I could ever do right now was to make it clear to him that I haven’t closed my doors to getting to know new guys, neither locally nor online, and that if he does not focus on me, he may lose me. Oh, an important detail: I can’t say that he has stringed me along though, since we first met in person after 4 months only, are making plans for a new get together really soon and after this next time spent together we plan on really making a decision as far as to pursue a serious relationship with me moving to his country or just being friends.

    After I started to use your tools, Rori, I can say he’s changed somehow his attitude toward me and pursues me in a different way, even says that he missed me during the day, misses seeing me through the webcam, etc. Am I unconsciously being too demanding and pressuring him without even noticing this? Have I gotten ‘serious’ too quick and forgotten that we must take it easy? Gosh, I don’t know where the problem is, Rori. I would really love to hear some of your wise thoughts and advices.

    Thanks for reading this, Rori, and, again, great job! Congrats!



  50.  #50mary on September 29, 2011 at 11:58 am

    Hello Rori, hello everyone,

    It has been 3 years now that I am in a long distance relationship (4 hours drive). We are exclusive and are living in different states since the relationship began. Things are great when we are together (two weekends a month). But being appart is very difficult. I start working on my self esteem issues but I still feel not secure and it is hard for me to totally let go and trust him as I had very bad experiences with men in the past. Anyways, I am used to scream a lot to express my frustration: he does not call me as much as I would like or give me as much attention as I wish when we are appart. He is currently supposed to look for jobs in my area, but I figured he haven’t started yet. He told me he is affraid of this big commitment especially because he is not sure if I am “the one” as I am frustrated very often by his behavior of not giving much news and not expressing his feelings. We agreed on the fact that the relationship will have to come to an end in 3 months if he still haven’t move in my state (I am a PhD student so I cannot leave from my city anytime soon). It looks like he is not looking for jobs or doesn’t really consider commiting with me and it hurts because it ‘s been 3 years we are investing in this relationship. Circular dating for me is not really an option as we are exclusive since the beguinning and he told me that dating again other people is not okay with him. I feel like this is a dead end, I wonder if I should end things now or if I should wait and see… What do you think?



  51.  #51Darling on April 13, 2012 at 3:16 pm

    Hello Rori, hello bloggers!

    I am feeling the pain of the long distance and it has taken a toll on me…

    My ex and I were together, long distance, and it was exactly what so many have said: easy when we are apart, and difficult when we are togther.

    After a few intense and irreversible fights, we broke up. And remained in contact, for the most part. It has been a challenge because I am very close with his family and his sister is one of my best friends. I still go up to visit her at least once a month.

    We have been seperated for 5 months and we only saw each other in the last two months because his father past. And, we started getting intimate right away… it was very easy and we were both very vulnerable. I didn’t sleep with him during the week of the funeral and I wouldn’t even sleep beside him. What I want Rori is his vulnerability and his openess and this is what I offer! I am not sure about exclusivity, not yet. Is this bad? I want to be secure in the relationship, I don’t want an instant relationship… And I feel like this is what we are building.

    The last time I was there, we did end up sleeping together and Rori, it was amazing. Not just the sex, but the whole experience. I used feeling messages to communicate to him what I wanted and that I wasn’t attached to an outcome with us, that I wasn’t trying to lock anything down. And I am not! I want the passion, the connection and the vulnerability with him and thisis where we went. It was beautiful! When he dropped me off at the train, I could feel him longing for me. I felt so powerful! So filled up by his love for me! And now, I am back to thinking about him all the time, and we are playing out the lack of communication and withholding communication that we were before.

    What I am not saying: That he is not wanting to be in a relationship right now. We had agreed when we broke up that it wasn’t working and he told me if he woke up one day and needed to be with me, he would. He is saying he hasn’t budged from this place, not with me or anybody! Neither of us have slept with anyone since we were together. And with his dad dying, him starting a new and stressful job and gaining a lot of weight, he just seems to be shutting out the world.

    I know that I am having a relationship in my head and I know that he is my soulmate. I can’t help it right now! I do everything to get my head off it… I work in a bar where I am constantly flirting with men, just to get away from my head for a few hours. During the day, I work with investment bankers ALL men!! I hang out with men and use feeling messages. I do everything I can to get away from these feelings and when I come home at the end of the day, all I can think about is him and him calling.

    When he does call, I use feeling messages. I have gotten better and better and not filling my communication with hooks and I really am at a place where I can let things go, not talk to him and not blame him for it or make him wrong. I just can’t help but feeling like the other shoe is going to drop and I don’t know what to do.

    Please Rori, is there some fix-it solution? Is there some phrase I can say? I really want answers: do I continue pursuing and hoping or do I cut him loose and not return calls? I know that if I do that, he will stop calling. He won’t chase me. Is this my answer? How do I know? I just want to be freed from this rut! PLEASE!!! Please!! Can you help me?

    Many thanks,
    Darling



  52.  #52Rori Raye on April 13, 2012 at 10:28 pm

    Darling – from your letter, it sounds like you have a lot of work to do for yourself – to get unhooked from this man and get on with your life, and to learn to communicate with a man without fighting. He’s being totally clear about what he doesn’t want. Do you want to spend your time, heart and energy chasing after him and trying to get him to change his mind? Love, Rori



  53.  #53Briana on July 3, 2012 at 10:25 pm

    im 18 years old, and my boyfriend of one year, and 7 months, Cruz, is 19 years old. Last year in December he decided to move to Georgia with his father. Which I can understand, because his life hasn’t been a good one..at all. And in December that was the first time in years that he’s seen his dad. Cruz, and I have been apart for more than 2 months before.

    Now, in the beginning of our relationship..everything was perfect. He was so sweet, funny, sensitive, strong, smart, and VERY respectful. He would always tell me how badly he wanted to kiss me..that he loved holding me in his arms, and that I meant everything to him, and a day before my 17th birthday last year in Janurary, he told me he fell in love with me..now we started \dating Janurary 5th of last year, and I don’t know if when he told me he was in love with me was too soon, but he told me that. And on the first sunday we were together, I decided to let him kiss me..wether THAT was too soon or not, I don’t know.

    Anyway, later on in the months..our relationship got too physical, too intimate too fast, and that WAS too soon. I’m a good Christian girl, and supposedly he’s a Christian, too. He tells me God is important to him, and he tells me he does pray, and reads the Bible, but he also drinks..a little, he used to or still smokes..he hasn;t said anyything about smoking in a long time, and he isn’t a virgin..lost it at 14..when I met him I was..turning 15 years old.

    Then, in May..we told me that he lost love for me.., BUT a week later..we got back together. And then sometime after that, I hear from my dad who is Cruz’s adoptive dad’s best friend that the reason why Cruz didn’t want me to visit him at his job, or come with him to church anymore was because he had a girl that he liked..

    Now, I didn’;t talk to Cruz about..like every other girl out there..I forgot about it..just brushed it off.

    But, after we got back together..we didn’t see each other, because in June, I believe, he moved to Pigeon Forge for two months, and then he moved back here..the only time I was able to see him was once in a while..we would pick him up for church, and then take him to his grandmother’s home after, and that was it. His mom was in jail for years, and at the time his dad lived in Columbia..

    and..then he began going to my school again, and we did have lunch together but he always told me that if I saw him in the cafeteria..to not get close to him..he would blame his frineds…and say that they would make fun of me and then he would hurt them and be taken off to jail..i told this to my mom, and she said that he was either..ashamed of me or he had a girl there he liked..i did talk to Cruz about this, but he only answered the ashamed part..not the other part, and said why would i be ashamaed of you? i cant remember what else i said but in october..a few days before Halloween..he…kinda broke up with me and kinda didnt..what I mean is..he told me that since he was moving to georgia that he thought it would be less harder if we were friends..but he said that we could continue with the love texts and calls and keep saying i love you and calling each other sweet names just cant physically go out anymore. but in december BEFORE christmas..he told me that was cheating on me..but he told me that i was better than her and the only reason why he was cheating was because she was pretty..for SOME reason i stuck with him and this was BEFORE he moved..now this is July 04, 2012 now he wants to get married and so do i he wants me to go live with them and hes doing everything to make it happen. they live in an apartment building and some people are about to move out so hes gonna get their apartment, so then he and his dad come get me..call me stupid..most of my family has already done that..i dont blame them..i used to feel..so loved, and cared for, and wanted, and appreciated, and respected..but later on in the months..i just didnt..even though he did have sweet moments, but you know…you wanna feel that way ALL the time ..now I have been looking at some programs like heart connection, and reconnect your relationship and modern siren, and toxic men and love scripts for relationships.., and all of them seem like they could all help with my relationship, but i dont have enough money for ALL of them..I need one program that will help me in every way..are there any programs that you’d recommend from what I have told you about our relationship?

    thanks



  54.  #54Rori Raye on July 4, 2012 at 1:31 am

    Welcome Briana, and in my world – you are WAY too young to get all hung up on any one man. Please, please focus on getting a stellar education, on making great friends, on meeting and dating any number of boys and men. HE is way too young to think seriously about anyone. Please just let him go…I know at your age everything seems so monumental – but getting married at 18 and 19 – especially with such an immature, young, unformed, confused boy – is a recipe for disaster.

    You need to get some life experience! Have some fun! As for my programs – please just start with the eBook. Really, really work on that until you can do Feeling Messages in your sleep and get what it feels like to be vulnerable instead of at a man’s mercy – there’s a HUGE difference. Really learn the Rori Raye Mantra and practice it constantly. When you’re ready to try another program – let us know where you’re at and we’ll make a recommendation that takes into account how you’ve done wit the Tools in the book. Love, Rori



  55.  #55Jessica on August 14, 2012 at 2:55 pm

    Hi Rori,
    I’m almost 19 years old, and I’m about to start my freshman year of college in a few weeks. I have been dating a wonderful guy since February, and his family has since moved to a different state.

    We met during the summer of last year through work, and steadily became great friends. We talked daily, grew closer, and eventually our feelings grew as well, so we decided to start dating exclusively (which happened last February).

    However, he was hesitant at first. He really wanted to date me, but he knew that after highschool graduation, he’d be moving in June, and he didn’t want to get too attatched to someone before that happened. I understood this, but wanted to go for it anyway because I really liked him and I saw things going well between us.

    And it was truely wonderful 🙂 We hungout a lot, went to prom, and made a lot of happy memories together… but… during all this time, there was a voice in my head telling me it was doomed. Not only because he was moving, but also because we would be starting college. Origionally, we thought we would end it when he moved… but when the time came closer, that was the last thing we wanted to do, so we decided to keep going.

    When he moved, it was a big adjustment for the both of us. Our relationship turned into texting, phone calls, and skype. Despite this, we were happy and closer than ever. In mid July, I went and stayed with hi and his family for a week, and we had a wonderful time. But again, there was always a heart wrenching reality sitting in the back of my mind. College.

    Early on, we thought ending it before school would be best. And once again, as the time was approaching, the idea of splitting up made us really unhappy…

    I want to break up, because I know in my head that it is the mature and smart thing to do. I know it would help us in the long run, and no matter what, he is still my friend. At the sametime, I love him so much and our relationship is so healthy, strong and solid. We’re both so happy.. And throwing that away seems like such a waste to me. Shouldn’t we atleast give it a chance? Don’t we deserve a shot to see if this could work? This is the inner conflict I have been facing and trying to decipher… Please help! He feels the exact same way as I do… He wants to break up, but doesn’t want to at the sametime.

    Keep in mind, I understand how much everyone changes at college, and that he and I will both be meeting so many new people… But the idea of losing him as my boyfriend kills me, just as the idea of losing me hurts him…

    As we have talked about it, he has said many times he just can’t do long distance anymore, and that it hurts too much. But then he turns around and says if I think we should try it just the first few weeks, he would be open to that. I made it clear I just wanted to give it a try, atleast.

    His move in day is this Friday… Mine isn’t until the 1st of September… And our schools are 8 hours apart. I just don’t know what to do I feel so lost 🙁



  56.  #56Rori Raye on August 14, 2012 at 8:24 pm

    Jessica – you sound SO smart, so mature, so articulate – and with a great head on your shoulders. Yes, people change. Yes, college should be a time when you experiment, have adventures and find yourself – and that goes for love and romance, too – and for both of you. And yet – many people end up marrying their high school sweethearts. Sometimes it’s after college and grad school. I’d encourage you to see if you can play this by ear. Stay in touch, visit each other as often as you can…and if you want to date other men, and he wants to date other women – do it. If you’re meant to be together – you will be. It doesn’t have to be as firm as a “break up.” It can be a wait-and-see until it becomes too hard, or one of you meets someone else who’ll “do” for the short-term. One thing I know – you’re going to be successful in life and love no matter what! Love, Rori



  57.  #57judy on September 29, 2012 at 7:44 am

    i have been in a long distance relationship for 3 years,we see each oth about twice a month,and due to our current situations it is not about to change soon,he has an elderly mother he cares for she is 90+ years,and i am independant and won’t leave my job and have anyone take care of me,we both understand and respect esch others decisions, i am 49 he is 52 and i have 7 more years till i retire, we do plan for our future he is the man for me,and both understand that it will be our turn …one day,we talk evernight with video which is so important and he is my best friend,if it is special enough you can make it work,cherrish the moments you are together,encourage each other in your dreams and don’t dwell on the times apart,i have a calendar on my desk at work and it has a continual countdown of sleeps on it till my next pajama free weekends,love isn’t always easy but it is always special



  58.  #58TEC on November 28, 2012 at 4:45 am

    Hello Rori,
    it feels so good to finally have an avenue to communicate with you.

    I am from West Africa. I have tried uncountable times to get you tools but to no avail. Most banks have not created credit cards for people from this part of the world who are interested in your services. I noticed my country was not enlisted among other countries that can purchase your products, i wonder why?

    Anyways, I am in a distance relationship with an African man who i met 4mths ago. we where link by our parents. I liked him when i met him but was not interested cos i never in my life believed i will meet the love of my life through parents. we only spent a week together since the.
    he tells me sweet things, his kind and smart. the problem now is he says mean things to me. I am very spiritual and religious and thats why i tend to overlook his mean attitue which does not correspond to all his promises. i don’t trust him.i have never tried CD although i wish to be with a man who will not stress me and make me feel like i have to constantly remind him of what to say, do or act. its sad cos i miss him but i cant take his nonchalance. He hasnt called for 4 days. when he calls what do I say?

    I need your help.
    thanks



  59.  #59Rori Raye on November 28, 2012 at 9:44 am

    OMGoodness, TEC – I have to figure out a way to get the book to your part of the world! Can you buy from Amazon.com? (I have another book there, Make Him Fall For You, which is a compilation of some of my eletter Tools of the Week, which you won’t need if you’ve been receiving my eletters for a long while…) Can you use Paypal? Can you purchase anything online? While I figure that out, just read everything you can here and work with the Tools you get in the newsletters.

    As for this man – “mean” rings so many red flags in my body, I wouldn’t want to get near a man who made me even “think” the word “mean.” Just for practice’s sake – how about you tell him the truth? “Hi, “Bob,” it feels good to hear your voice…” and then, when he says something “mean” – say, “Ouch… That doesn’t feel good.” As he asks questions about ‘why” you’re feeling what you share, just put together scripts in advance – “I feel tender around that topic…” “I don’t feel heard, I don’t feel liked, etc…” This is a process of discovering what’s going on inside you and sharing an almost running commentary on YOU (edited, of course, with the best moments shared first) using Feeling Messages.

    Sometimes a man’s defenses get the better of him. My first husband was a put-down artist, and though I often wonder now if I could have turned that around – when I wonder, a realize I don’t want to work so hard to change another person – and that it simply was not a relationship that was mean to thrive long-term. Good Luck! Love, Rori



  60.  #60Gloria12 on January 5, 2013 at 12:37 pm

    Hello Rori

    I really need your advice for my relationship. I should say I met him this guy in UK in the City I live, we know each other through some frinds, however, we met again by chance in the street and I could feel we have some sort of feeling and I could his attention towards me. He is a very nice guy really. Anyway, that time he was in the process of tranferring for a post-doc job to canada , later when he went there he started to text and told he missed me and our relationship started at that time. I expected he will come for the following christmas as he mentioned on the facebook, but he did not make it. It was last year, for a time i was upset but he explained he is so busy with the project. But later when we were talking on the skype he told he should have a travel to another country and on his way he will come but again nothing. During summer one of his female friend and a guy went for a two weeks holiday to canada that made me very bad feeling becuase I thought he should invite them otherwise how they can go and stay there for 2 weeks? … I should say that during this 1,5 years he only talked 3 -4 times on skype after I told him, you do not like me and from 6 months ago he stopped it again. He says loves and wants marry me on face book but I just wonder how he wants to do when he is not talking and not coming for seeing ? just once in those skype talk told me that after after finshing my course I should go there … I feel so fraustrated and lonely as there is no communication



  61.  #61Rori Raye on January 5, 2013 at 4:43 pm

    Gloria – I’m stumped….and please, I want to be VERY tough with you in the most fanciful way here, please don’t read if you don’t want to hear the truth as I see it: What’s going on with you in this letter is the equivalent of your telling me how excited you are about Santa Claus, and then how disappointed you are that he isn’t inviting you to the North Pole, or to fly with him this Christmas, and he swears you can come with him next time…and why didn’t he bring you a present? The naivete with which you are stating your story is both charming and horrific. There is NOTHING going on here with this man. This is entirely in your imagination, and he’s being a pen pal of the worst sort. Please drop him entirely and start Circular Dating REAL men! We’ll help you. Love, Rori