Speak the TRUTH to Get the Love You Want

Untitled design (14)

If somethings bothering you, but you can’t tell anyone, it eats you up inside.

So – let’s figure out what you “can’t” tell – and what you can.

Let’s say you’re late for your period, but you don’t want to scare the man you’re sleeping with (perhaps he’s your “boyfriend,” perhaps he’s a lover and you’re Circular Dating as well) until you know. Well, most pregnancy tests are pretty fast these days – so you should be able to find a 24 hour drugstore – but let’s say you can’t.  Let’s say you have to go a day before you find out…

And let’s say he calls or comes over, or you see him just before you can get to the drugstore, and you’re freaked out.

He asks: “How’s it going?” And you say, your voice shaking, “Fine, and you?”

And he can tell something’s wrong, so he says – “Hey, what’s going on?” And you say, “Nothing.,.”

Clearly, he knows it’s not, he feels left out and untrusted. But, still, you don’t want to lay your fear on him until you know for sure.

The thing is – he’s involved in what goes into a pregnancy, so he gets to know. In fact, if you’re feeling troubled about anything, and he shows up to ask you how you’re doing – he gets to know.

So – here’s how you say the truth…

1. “I feel bad not telling you, and I feel bad telling you. There’s something going on that I’m not sure about, and I don’t want to talk about it until I know, but I feel even worse being dishonest with you. I’m late for my period, and I’ll take a test tomorrow and will let you know. I feel freaked out….” Or…

2. “I feel upset, and I feel bad that I want to keep it to myself, but I do…I’m not ready to talk about it yet…” And then say goodbye if he presses you more.

If you were the man, which one would YOU rather hear? And which would you rather say?

Let’s say he hasn’t said “I love you” yet, and you’re feeling quite sad about it, because you don’t really know how he feels about you.  He’s talking about moving in together – and you don’t even know if it’s just for “convenience’ and to “save money” – or if he’s IN LOVE with you.

Let’s say you’ve been seeing him for a year and he doesn’t know what to say when “marriage” comes up.

Let’s say he forgot your birthday, or remembered it with a card but didn’t get you anything – or any number of things he might have done or not done that’s making you feel second class and unloved.

If you’re holding in your feelings in a bid to be “reasonable,” “nice” or “understanding” – if you’re trying not to “scare” him away with your “needs” – you’re working AGAINST YOURSELF.

There’s a way to talk about what you want, what makes you unhappy, and how you feel WITHOUT scaring a man away – and that way is by leaving HIM out of it!

The truth is –

1. You love him.

2. You want a forever-after with him.

3. You want to be adored and cherished and cared for, and you want attention, affection, romance and great sex.

Now – this is not exactly unusual. Every woman on the PLANET wants this – so a man would have to be insane to not know this is what you want.

The thing is – every man is also selling himself that you are FINE with the way things are.  As long as you don’t speak up – he thinks it’s all okay.

He’ll accept, if he thinks YOU do – that you don’t need any more love, affection, all that, than what he’s ALREADY giving you.

Even though he KNOWS he’s being a “jerk”!

Yes, he KNOWS he’s treating you badly.  He KNOWS.  and all you’re doing by holding back your feelings is making him angry, making him guilty, and making him love and respect you LESS.

The way out is by taking a different approach.

(First of all, if you’re Circular Dating and following all my programs from the first moment you meet a man, you won’t get into this difficulty a year down the line – so this is for if you’re already in this tough place…)

So – let’s just all keep practicing telling the Truth in small ways that aren’t so frightening.  Say how you feel about the movie…say how you really feel about Italian food this minute…start in baby steps, and I’ll help you through it.

I know these scary situations sound impossible to tell the Truth in without putting up walls and pretending to feel stronger than you do at the moment…but that’s part of the truth-telling.

Letting him see exactly how you are, how you’re feeling, without blaming HIM for how you feel is the complete recipe for intimacy and romantic love.

And…as a bonus, as you practice doing this with small things…you’ll start to feel braver and so much more confident.

Let’s do this together!

Love, Rori

Posted in


  1.  #1mary on May 13, 2010 at 11:10 pm

    hello Rori, i LOVE you!

    this post is just unbelievable. it’s so freeing to think that it’s a good thing to speak the truth, and that men really want to hear it.

    i had the most amazing time tonight because of all of this stuff i’ve learned from you!

    i did not think about R one time. i did not think about Island Man at all. i met a new guy who was cute, and different, and amazing. he is a DJ and he also has a tour boat, and he’s funny and engaging and i met his son, and he was also very charming! it was a great evening. he was doing his DJ thing at a party. i stayed for about an hour and then, without any guilt at all (because of you!) i knew i could just sail out of there. i smiled and gave him my card and he said, “call me,” and I said “no, i probably won’t, but i’d love it if you called me.” and he said, “you bet i will,” and he called just to see if i made it home safely.

    he’s not the one for me, and i know that. but he wants to go out soon, and i’m definitely going to!

    it’s such an unbelievable experience to be dating some different guys at once! i’m loving it!

    it makes me feel BEAUTIFUL.

    yes. it’s a bit of a roller coaster because my diva status comes and goes. but i’m learning!

    i’m determined to have less drama this time around. my heart was branded with an “R” and it is still bleeding.

    but i’m definitely having fun and learning to forget about him! and discovering amazing things about myself! and stepping into a new dimension …

    thank you. THANK YOU! thank YOU! Thank you Rori.

    you rock.

  2.  #2softy on May 13, 2010 at 11:17 pm

    I had a weird dream last night – we (Rori, Me, and Heartbeat :D) are on a boat enjoying the sunlight, suddenly my husband join us. and Rori said “now i trust you.. he’s not good enough. he needs to work more on this relationship ”

    My husband overheard we were talking about him. He is so angry and mad . and we jump into the sea as he was trying to hit us.

    Rori saved me and kicked him away with her sport shoes. heartbeat scarificed herself to save us and get shot. Me and Rori run to the safe place, she asked me to call police and she has to leave me and go back to her country she said I am free now. after that I manage to escape from him and found a peaceful place to stay.

    I feel silly to post this.
    I feel lonely, I need company
    I feel like a volcano ready to explode
    screaming for freedom
    baby steps, baby steps

  3.  #3BigLuv on May 14, 2010 at 3:18 am

    Boy, I needed to read that article.
    Maybe I can tattoo it on my forehead?

    Me loved.
    Me for-ever aftered.
    Me adored, cherished, and cared for, and me being given attention, affection, romance and great sex.
    I already was a siren. I just had gorgonesque and female praying mantis tendencies. Need to downplay those.

    Every guy I dated in the past was drinking his own kool-aid as far as the relationship has been concerned. I’d ask for a commitment. They run. I’d ask for STD testing. They run. I’d say I felt we were more than friends. They run. I’d date one guy at a time and try to hang onto the one guy I had. No more!

    I’ve started changing my old dynamic with some the advice I’ve read here. I started getting Tinque’s and EMK’s newsletters too.

    I am learning to communicate my requirements so the guys can hear them and if they still want to flee, that’s their business.

    I am really getting great value from just blogposts and the newsletters, but I am looking forward to when I can get my own set of Commitment Blueprint and Modern Siren CDs. Joy!



  4.  #4Linda on May 14, 2010 at 4:16 am

    I love this post. I have been reading along as usual just not posting.

    I have trouble speaking my truth sometimes. Sometimes I dont. Eventually I do but it seems that my journey to get to the place of speaking my truth is always one I dont want to take. It does not make any sense to me, I know it is the right thing and I feel better when I do…but I resist it.

    When it comes to relationships… I guess it all boils down to exploration for me and letting things settle with men. No man is perfect and gets is right all the time. I certainly have had my share of men that are focused on sipping their own koolaid, filling their needs and are in no way concerned for or really want a real relationship. They all say they want a great woman in their life, but after all the hoops and stipulations… why are they even looking?

    I suppose I just dont have the confidence that I will meet someone who is serious about willing to invest themselves in me. It is all about them and if I fit them so far.

    I am going to practice a perfect speaking up, telling the truth. I think thru what to say and struggle with finding the right word to adequately describe the truth of my feelings most of the time. I feel my vocabulary is inadequate and pale.


  5.  #5Tallgirl10 on May 14, 2010 at 4:17 am

    I feel excited and anxious. I am working on expressing.

    I am feeling unmotivated to get out of bed and go to work out.

    So, the excited is to see the text guy. The anxious is waited to hear from him about the plans. It always triggers me.

    Like he is going to cancel or forget or stand me up. I feel like I want control, and control is a time and place set in stone.

    The triggering is deep and makes me fearful.

    But then, my rational side says – he would not have texted me all week to then cancel. And if he did, I would be totally fine. I don’t need closure on everything.

    In the meantime, I will get up and go work out. But the waiting stays, as does my irrational fear.

    I feel fearful he will cancel or stand me up. He will abondon me, and I won’t know why and what I did.

  6.  #6Lynn on May 14, 2010 at 5:24 am

    I like this post alot. I feel its connecting me to me. I have been struggling with one main truth my whole life and now I just need to figure out what I need to do about it for me. I have been tring to take care of everything and everyone for so long and thats why I feel like I just keep hitting a brick wall. I have no doubt that Rori’s tools and advice is right on…matter of fact when I think back to before marriage and kids this was how I acted and reacted..it was just my nature. I was shy so I didn’t talk to fill space, I never would call or come to a guy first..only answer and be open if they came to me, and the big thing was I did date alot of boys and at the same time but it was because I was only sweatin’ one and he made my heart ache so I filled my time, mind and space and it drove them wild. I feel so compelled to get “me” back and over the last year my “old” personality is resurfacing and my husband ( who’s been distant for a while) is now like noticing me and saying “wow, its like your that girl again” and the one from the past who makes me ache is like ” its like time stood still for you” he just smiles and stares and says ” i can’t beleave your here” …. I look at me and think ” well, i color my grays and have had 2 kids and 30 pounds that is with me forever…hummph” I need to work on loving me….help me ladies..what do you think

  7.  #7Tallgirl10 on May 14, 2010 at 5:28 am

    Ok, need to be talked off a ledge. The triggering is getting worse. Please help me.

    Text guy sent me a text yesterday morning continuing our joke of his “terms” for knowing a secret about me. I had thought they were going to sexual in nature given the nature of our flirtation, but they ended up being really sweet: vacation, dinner, butler, game tickets.

    So I reponded at the end of my day:
    “Your shakedown tactics are unusually flexible. I have a suspicion that could work out in my favor

    Now I am really panicked that I was too much.

    What the heck is wrong with me? He has been texting me all darn week, and it has been fun! Why do I feel like I am running him away?

    There is no reason for me to think he does not want to see me tonight. None at all.

    Was the text too much? URGH!!!! Darn triggers.

  8.  #8heartbeat on May 14, 2010 at 6:11 am

    Well no wonder I feel sleepy, looks like I’ve been busy in someone else’s dream! Lol! Now I feel curious about Softy – I’ve recommended this site to a few sirens so perhaps she’s someone I know… also perhaps with the message that I’m sacrificing myself 🙂

  9.  #9softy on May 14, 2010 at 7:16 am

    heartbeat – LOL I don’t know why I have this dream.
    I wish I am one of the sirens you recomended this site to 🙂 it would be lovely to meet you in person..

    much love

  10.  #10EarthDancer on May 14, 2010 at 7:41 am

    Tallgirl10: *hugs* to you! I’m feeling the same way, sitting in bed with my computer instead of getting up and working out. OOOHHH, I feel heart-heavy & don’t know why… i have text from ?Man asking me out tonight and I’m not answering because he has NEVER called, only texted …

    I’m hoping for both of us this triggering is because we are learning & healing from all the Rori tools 🙂 maybe the old has to burn away or be shed like the snake skin someone else mentioned … 🙁

    But instead of feeling LIGHT I can feel myself protect behind a wall that I’ve had up my whole life…NO, I WANT TO BE FEMININE SOFTNESS I WANT TO BE OPEN … not every man will hurt me and I won’t know that if the wall is up …. uuuugggghhhh … they can’t come close when i feel that way … *sigh*

  11.  #11EarthDancer on May 14, 2010 at 7:42 am

    Tallgirl10: feeling the ‘drop to knees’ technique might work for me, maybe for you too?

  12.  #12Tallgirl10 on May 14, 2010 at 7:47 am


    Thank you for the suggestion. I will try it.

    Why on earth would you not respond to a man and go out with him because he texted you? Have you ever asked him to call?

    What if you just assumed he actually wanted to see you? It all seems like a silly reason not to go out with someone.

    Some men really only communicate by text. And it means nothing more than that and nothing less.

    Or try texting back and saying: Going out sounds fantatsic. Call me to set up the details?

    What if you were not attaching meaning, or not putting up walls. You would never not respond to a friend because of a text, right?

  13.  #13EarthDancer on May 14, 2010 at 7:50 am

    Tallgirl10: thank you (just got up off knees and feel more clear) … I don’t know how to respond to men who only text, yes, I’ve asked him to call … I don’t like that … I LOVE your suggestion & I will text him that right now! xoxo thank u!

  14.  #14EarthDancer on May 14, 2010 at 8:03 am

    “I move towards people… getting closer… I break the patterns of the past which have involved running away from people, judging or sowing the seeds of separation.” THE FACE OF LOVE

    YAY! I feel ‘aha’, I feel lightbulb going off, I feel lighter heart, I feel fear this is only fleeting, I want to make a permanent change …

  15.  #15Tallgirl10 on May 14, 2010 at 8:03 am

    trust me a struggle with that too. Best not to read into it if everything else is there.

    I am so frustrated, every person I know has texted me today except for him. Urgh.

  16.  #16heartbeat on May 14, 2010 at 9:05 am

    Softy – I’m so intrigued! Because I’ve been getting this message all week. I can see it myself, I forget my own needs, I’ve gotten used to making work a priority and then the ‘softy’ parts of my life get short-changed. So thank you for being part of my learning and I feel privileged to be part of your dream! xx

  17.  #17mary on May 14, 2010 at 9:17 am

    Hello Tallgirl.

    You waited to text him back, then your text was playful and brilliant! Shakedown tactics! I love it. Unusually flexible. What a huge compliment! I’m this guy, reading about me, and I can’t wait to see you! No worries, Tallgirl. Have fun when you see him again.

    The only worry is that you’re obviously invested in him. Wow. I’m trying very hard to prevent that from happening any time soon, so I can make a rational decision about who I want to spend the rest of my life with. It happens anyway, doesn’t it? I’ve been waiting for Island Man…

    … but I’ve had it with that!

    There will be a man who doesn’t put me through that kind of torture. I’ll choose him.

  18.  #18mary on May 14, 2010 at 9:20 am

    my interview yesterday with the managing broker of a firm was interesting.

    the man had qualities of the kind of man i’d like to find:

    gentle, knowledgeable, take-charge but listening, great dad, etc.

    could be a very good working relationship.

    i’m very excited about that.

  19.  #19mary on May 14, 2010 at 9:21 am

    earth dancer.

    yay for lightbulb moment! i love it when that happens!

  20.  #20mary on May 14, 2010 at 9:25 am

    hello lynn!

    you sound down, but you said some conflicting things, like you’re reconnecting with yourself and your husband is really excited about the new old you!

    and guess what! those pounds could come off. i have a few to lose, too. been eating tons of chocolate lately because i’ve been too lazy to go to the grocery store! oh! not good. let’s lose ’em together!

  21.  #21mary on May 14, 2010 at 9:26 am

    i’m not responding to Island Man’s two-liner email the other day.

    we’ll see what happens. i don’t think it’s over!

    so it’ll be interesting.

    i’m back in my curious mode again and thrilled about it!

    hoping for a wonderful day today for everyone!

  22.  #22mary on May 14, 2010 at 9:35 am

    i know this goes without saying, but i love it when you guys spell things out, again and again! so here goes:

    i’m noticing that it’s not about the men in my life.

    it’s not about how they feel about me.

    it’s only about my goals. my plans. my dreams. and how i feel about them. how i feel about them is an indicator of how i feel about me! and i have more control over making plans, writing down my dreams and working on goals than i have about feelings that come and go.

    when i’m actively involved in moving forward in my life, and when i take actions that nudge me in a direction that’s good for me, i feel beautiful and desirable and attractive.

    and i have total control over those actions.


    i’ve been hearing it but not doing it! now that i’m MAKING DECISIONS and moving myself forward, i feel wonderful.

    Rori you are a genuis! i’m thankful.

  23.  #23mary on May 14, 2010 at 9:39 am

    Island Man, you can call or not call, email or not email, text or not text, send a message in a bottle or not send a message in a bottle.

    i’m moving forward.

    with or without you.

  24.  #24mary on May 14, 2010 at 9:46 am

    just to keep going, in case this elementary stuff is helping anyone:

    when my husband first left and was across the courtyard, living with his new woman, i was so devastated that i couldn’t think. i could hardly do anything. and i was restless, so i was walking everywhere, all the time. i was terrified. humiliated. furious.

    and then one day, all of a sudden, i felt elated, happy and perky. i was walking around and feeling smug.

    what happened?

    i didn’t know at first! but i finally found the source, because when i did the same thing later, i felt the same way.

    what happened is that i booked a ticket home to texas.

    i had never booked my own airline ticket before. when i was growing up, i’d hop planes back and forth from san antonio to dallas, but they flew every hour and you didn’t need a reservation.

    after i booked that ticket, and was taking action, i felt wonderful about me! wasn’t even thinking about him. or her!

    feelings come and go, and i can’t control them. i like to keep the ball in my court, and if i keep taking actions that propel me forward, i’m gonna feel great about me, and men will probably just be there for me!

    no! it’s not a new concept! Rori explains it and you’re probably all doing it! but the fact that this is working for me in real life makes me quite excited today.

  25.  #25Siena on May 14, 2010 at 10:34 am

    I feel interested to read about softy’s dream. I have been having dreams recently that I am pleasantly surprised by. Dreams that indicate to me that my subconscious is starting to get into line with what I really want in my life. It really feels good to know that!

    Earthdancer, I’m sending love to you! How would it feel to go out with this man anyway – even if he only texts – and just be there with him with no expectations? So… he’s a guy who texts asking for dates… that’s kind of lame, but he wants to be with YOU! How would it feel to go out with him and just lean back and receive his attention for a couple of hours?

    I have an “only texter” in my rotation too. (Actually, I just got his message, so I don’t think I’ll be hearing from him again, or if I do I’m going to tell him I don’t want what he’s offering.) I just figure, he’s not my ever-after guy, and I’m not gonna change him, so I’ll just go along with it. He runs the risk of me not responding to his texts, and therefore missing the opp to date me… but it’s his loss!

    Tallgirl! I feel strongly that the only way you can mess it up is if you feel you can mess it up. Responding to texts is good!

    I haven’t seen any feeling messages in your texts though. Maybe you’re feeling off center because you’re relating to him from your head, and not your heart?

    Mary, I love reading your process and progress… you go girl!

  26.  #26Simply Shannon on May 14, 2010 at 11:09 am

    Tallgirl: Maybe try a feeling message next time. I feel a little flustered at your response. It feels funny but I was hoping for a feeling message. Ok, I feel selfish. I want you to try it just so that *I* can see what his response is. 🙂

    And remember this is just a guy. You can’t say anything wrong to the right person. When you start to get freaked out, do one of Rori’s tools. Touch an object and feel how it feels. Break your mind’s habit of thinking bad thoughts by sinking in to your feelings.

  27.  #27Siena on May 14, 2010 at 11:09 am

    “Call me to set up the details?”

    Something about this wasn’t feeling good to me – it was triggering me, and I didn’t know why.

    Now I do:

    I don’t want to tell a man what to do. It doesn’t feel good to me. It feels opposite to Rori’s 4 rules:

    1) Don’t try to control your partner.
    2) Don’t try to control the outcome.
    3) Don’t criticize, judge, advise, warn, coax, ask the innocent question or try to change him.
    4) Learn to take “no” for an answer.

    If the guy is only texting me, and I don’t want him to anymore, I can tell him how I feel and what I don’t want. “I feel bad, I don’t want to be asked out by text, what do you think?”

    If he texts me the answer, I got a “no” from him, and then I can either accept or reject what he’s offering.

  28.  #28Daria on May 14, 2010 at 11:20 am

    Siena – yes, Rori says not to be directive when speaking to a man…

    no… Let’s talk or, Call me… etc

    and I really liked a recent E-letter about no closure!

    no need to know the time he’s gonna come get me…

    dude! i always have this thought… if he doesn’t set a time, its not a set date…

    so i would try to control sometimes when i wanted a date so that I would know the time

    no more

    just lean back

    let him goof if he goofs

    not gonna stress

    alll this lean back time is giving me free time to do stuff for ME!! like Mary is doing!

  29.  #29Lucy on May 14, 2010 at 11:22 am

    Yeah, about trying to control the outcome…..

    I kinda have a question about that.

    Remember all that talk about whether or not to send a birthday greeting to a guy you haven’t heard from in awhile . . . and the consensus was “don’t send it cuz then you will make an impression on him by the fact that you did NOT acknowledge his birthday…” or something like that.


    Isn’t that trying to control the outcome???

    Trying to control by NOT doing something?

    Yesterday was Getting Closer Man’s birthday, and I did NOT send him a birthday greeting.

    I feel kinda bad about it (not a lot, cuz I’m not dwelling on it — it’s his business really) because it feels bad to think that maybe he didn’t have much acknowledgement of his birthday from *anyone* (of course I don’t know if that’s the case or not, and like I said I’m not really thinking about it except for the few minutes it is taking me to type this — it just came to mind cuz of what Siena just said, and as soon as I’m done typing this I will not think about it again).

    But I do feel uncertain about the control issue with “NOT doing.”

  30.  #30Siena on May 14, 2010 at 11:25 am

    Daria, yes to your whole post!

    Which is another reason why dating many men is great practice. Because if one goofs, another will take his place!

    And I feel good because I am being taken out and feeling pursued (even if it’s not by my #1 choice).

    And he feels good because I didn’t “call” him on his goof. (Because I was taking care of me). And he got the message that goofs are not going to be criticized by me, I’m just not gonna be there!

    And the connection blossoms.

    I love it!

  31.  #31Daria on May 14, 2010 at 11:26 am

    Lucy – Doing takes effort

    NOT Doing does not take effort

    (except that it feels uncomfortable and being with those feelings instead of Doing is a new way of being and may seem like effort for us to actually FEEL the uncomfortableness – this is a good thing – babysteps)

  32.  #32Daria on May 14, 2010 at 11:26 am

    Siena – woo hooo!!

  33.  #33Lucy on May 14, 2010 at 11:30 am

    Yeah, I agree with Daria about the no closure thing with dates.

    I had a tentative “date” (not really a date cuz we both said “just friends”) with Tattoo Man to see a movie on a Monday. He was gonna check times and get back to me.

    Well, Monday afternoon I get a fb msg from him saying, “The movie isn’t in theaters til Thursday.”

    I msg back, “Oh!”

    And then I didn’t hear from him again! Lol.

    And THAT kind of thing is one of the reasons I don’t want more than friendship from him, among other reasons. But he is cute and fun and interesting, so I’m not shutting him out. I know he will contact me again and want to do something. But I’m not holding my breath and I’m not expecting “good behavior” from him. He is who he is.

    (Cutie. Haha. 🙂 )

  34.  #34Lucy on May 14, 2010 at 11:34 am

    I agree, Daria (effort vs. no effort) — but my concern is more about *control.*

    Just like with passive-aggressiveness — that’s a way of controlling by NOT doing (no effort).

  35.  #35Gizelle on May 14, 2010 at 11:40 am

    I have a question. What if you have an incurable sexual disease and every relationship that you get in you have to keep sharing this with every guy before you get physical with them because you’re trying to give them the chance you never had…then the one you really want rejects you and turns completely cold towards you because he doesn’t know what to say about the whole thing when just a day ago…hours even he was telling you how he was bragging about you to everyone and telling you how much he loves you and he thinking about marriage and kids? What do you do then? How mush more broken does your heart have to be? Will you ever find love? Whats the point? I feel like giving up completely…I feel myself growing completely numb…

  36.  #36Siena on May 14, 2010 at 11:44 am

    Lucy, yay! #33 – he’s a CD, btw. Even if you’ve only agreed to be friends… like you said before circular DATING is somewhat of a misnomer, because we’re not going out with these guys to get them to the altar. We’re going out with them for therapy… and if we happen to meet “forever after” in the meantime, bonus!

    I hear what you’re saying about control. This is a big issue for me, too. For me, it has to do with my intention. If I am leaning back to gain control of the situation, I’m not being a Siren. If I’m leaning back in order to get into my feminine self, and releasing control, then I am being a Siren. It “looks” the same, but it doesn’t “feel” the same – on an energetic level too.

    Releasing control is something that I’m struggling with. But I’m getting there!

  37.  #37Simply Shannon on May 14, 2010 at 11:53 am

    Daria: if he doesn’t set a time, its not a set date…

    I believe this statement to be true. No? I feel confused.

    I don’t feel comfortable if the date and time aren’t set. Like if a guy says “hey, you wanna go out on Friday?” I say “it would feel great to go out Friday. What time?”

    Controlling? I don’t want to a) make him wait because I’m not ready or b) sit around waiting for him.

  38.  #38Daria on May 14, 2010 at 11:58 am

    Shannon – yes i agree its also one of my own rules.

    however, i no longer do the ‘what time’ thing (new after reading rori’s letter).

    i will just say… oh that would feel lovely. then don’t write it down until he give me a time. if he calls friday and i’ve booked… ill say… oh we didnt have a set time and i didnt know so i planned other things in my schedule

    if im free ill say… ohok… yes im still free around that time


    i dono… still tweaking with this

    i could maybe say… yes it would feel lovely to see you friday… and i feel a lil anxious and unsure to agree to plans without a set time… what do u think?

    i dono – i just came up with that

    sounds kina good, maybe, tho i feel a lil anxious and unsure WRITING IT

    whoa writing came out as WRITHING lol

  39.  #39Daria on May 14, 2010 at 12:00 pm

    I think it’s very much about my attitude about this.

    no closure. i dont have to know what time he’s picking me up.

    im not gonna sit around waiting for him anyway… im just gonna keep living my fabulous life… free and twirly…

    I LOVE when a man says ok.. are you free tonite at 8, wanna go play pool.. yes!

    i even got one of those (tho he canceled) but thats ok!

    i felt happy that its starting to happen for me


  40.  #40Siena on May 14, 2010 at 12:02 pm

    Here’s something that I’ve started saying that has worked for me:

    Him – wanna go out?

    Me – That would (or “might”, depending on who he is) feel good. What do you have in mind?

    That usually gets a date and time and plan out of him 😉

  41.  #41Daria on May 14, 2010 at 12:05 pm

    Siena ! yes!!!! i tried that too and it worked well!

    thank you!

    that sounds GREAT!!!

    what do you have in mind? CHECK. into the siren statements

  42.  #42Lucy on May 14, 2010 at 12:07 pm

    Yeah, Siena, I agree that leaning back can actually be leaning forward if it’s done with an agenda.

    That’s why I felt kinda concerned about the birthday thing.

    But I decided to NOT acknowledge his birthday simply because that’s what felt right to me — not with the motive to impress him with my absence. 🙂

  43.  #43Lucy on May 14, 2010 at 12:09 pm

    “free and twirly…”

    Love it 🙂

  44.  #44Lucy on May 14, 2010 at 12:12 pm

    I never ask “what time?”

    Siena, thanks for the idea to say “That *might* feel good”!!!!

    I have struggled with saying “That *would* feel good” cuz lots of times I seriously have my doubts!!!!

    Duh. I never thought of switching it to “might.”

  45.  #45Simply Shannon on May 14, 2010 at 12:20 pm

    Oh Siena I love it! “That might feel good. What do you have in mind?” Like I’m basing my good feelings on us getting together and doing stuff as opposed to it being a yes I WILL have a good time no matter what we do. Kind of like “I feel open to Friday. What do you have in mind?”

    I am the treat you cute little man you and you’re gonna work for it! Hahaha!

    And Daria: Free and twirly! I feel that way when I’m reading your post.

  46.  #46Simply Shannon on May 14, 2010 at 12:22 pm

    Daria: Which of Rori’s letters are you referring to that helped you to no longer ask “what time”? Maybe I’ve missed it. Thanks!!

  47.  #47Siena on May 14, 2010 at 12:25 pm

    …Daria, Shannon and Lucy –

    I feel really Sireny and playful saying “might” because it’s a little challenge for him to come up with a good plan. The unspoken part of it is, “I won’t go out with you if you don’t make it worth my while and make me feel good.”

    So it’s seductive, playful and challenging.

    Actually, I like it better than “would” because “would” sounds like he’s already got me. He doesn’t.

    I love being a Siren. I really really do! (LOL)

  48.  #48Simply Shannon on May 14, 2010 at 12:36 pm

    Ladies, how do I get past this feeling of annoyance with Mr. Fab Kisser? He texted me earlier (text is fine because he’s at school) talking to me about times for tonight. (Of course I asked him “what time?”)

    Him: Hopefully by 6pm. Maybe closer to 6:30pm?

    Me: Just need a time to be ready. I don’t want to get ready early and end up waiting.
    *my annoyance level is building*

    Him: So 6:30pm?
    *Freakin’ A with the damn questions. Seriously annoyed now. He asks so many freakin’ questions.

    Me: Is it still questionable, or are you saying 6:30pm? I just want to know when.
    (I know I’m being a bitch here. And yes I should have said I feel annoyed and frustrated.)

    Here’s my issue. I don’t want to get hung up on this shit. I want to float above this! I can be free and twirly but damn, once my annoyance and anger kick in, I get hella stuck.

    I don’t want to blame him. I want to go out and have some fun, but I am anticipating this tip-toe bullshit. It’s like he’s afraid to lead. And hell, maybe I would be too if I was dealing with me.


    I don’t want to lead. I don’t want to plan. I don’t want to assure you that you are making the right decision. I will act like a three year old pitching a fit if I have to make one more freakin’ decision today. I have had it!

    Gosh bless America I feel pissed off.

    I love my pissed off feelings.

    I feel tired but I don’t want to stay home tonight.

    I just want to have some fun and not think. I don’t want to decide anything. I want it all handed to me on a golden platter. Seriously. That is what I want!

  49.  #49Siena on May 14, 2010 at 12:42 pm

    Shannon, I SO FEEL you on this one! I am very very similar to you in this regard. I don’t want date planning to be a collaborative effort. I really feel best when he just decides and tells me when to be ready. I know I am different from many women in that regard, but that’s what feels best to me!

    Maybe you haven’t told him your true feelings yet, and that’s why it continues to trigger you?

    If this were my date, and he did that same question thing (which would seriously annoy me too) I would be a little rude and text,

    “I feel annoyed! I don’t want date planning to be a collaborative effort. I really feel best when you just tell me when to be ready. It feels romantic to me like that, what do you think?”

  50.  #50Daria on May 14, 2010 at 12:42 pm

    Siena – I use might too…

    Sharon, it was the second to last e-letter

    heres an excerpt

    “Let’s call this Tool: NO CLOSURE.

    Well, first, what’s “Closure”?

    Closure ISN’T what we usually think of it as –
    that “final” knowing that a relationship is over,
    and finally getting to say EVERYTHING that’s been
    on your mind, get it out and have him hear it.

    Closure can simply be having the final word in
    a simple conversation.

    It can be about “owing” what time he’s picking
    you up, or knowing if he’ll ever call, or knowing
    what will happen next week.”

    i think Rori meant knowing – instead of owing… or maybe she meant Owing… but to me that sparked an aha about needing to KNOW

    what time he’s picking me up, so that i don’t feel anxious, that i will miss his date because i plan other stuff and then feel guilty (all this thinking ahead!!!) and making sure that this man actaully follows thru – HIS JOB!! and avoiding that anxiety… when actaully i can hug that anxiety, and relax and take my focus elsewhere.. and let things work out as they will… based totally on HIM and HIS efforts!!!

  51.  #51Daria on May 14, 2010 at 12:44 pm

    And Closure is the thing we try to get about
    all these things that leave us feeling uncertain.

    It’s that feeling of “If I could just know for

    The thought that you NEED to have the “final”
    word. That you need to be “heard.”

    And this Tool is so you forget all about those

    I want you to forget about EVER getting
    Closure – about anything.

    Forget about ever understanding anything
    completely, or getting everything you want to say
    out on the table, or finally feeling heard and
    understood by HIM.

    The need for Closure is what drives us to try
    to control every moment in our lives.

    So what would it be like if you never got any

    I know it sounds awful.

    We want to hear from his lips crystal clear
    exactly where we stand and exactly what he’s
    thinking and feeling, and exactly what’s going

    But the problem is, HE might not even know!

    A man may value you so much that he doesn’t
    want to lose you from his life, but he doesn’t
    know exactly what to do to keep you.

    The only thing any of us have to go on is
    what’s actually happening RIGHT NOW, and how it
    FEELS. So…

    1. Imagine feeling as though a man doesn’t
    exist in your life unless he’s right in front of


    2. Imagine your OWN “Degree of Difficulty”
    being really, really HIGH.

    ***I fully explain and guide you through
    getting a High Degree of Difficulty in my
    Targeting Mr. Right program, and for now I’ll
    just define it here as: How hard a man has to
    work to get you and keep you.

    This is not about being “High Maintenance” and

    This is not about you being so busy that you
    don’t have time for a man.

    This is not about you pretending not to care,
    or deliberately not answering calls or playing
    the “game” of “hard-to-get.”

    It’s about you actually BEING a sought after
    woman, who all men find attractive and
    interesting – pretty much by just BELIEVING you

    So – your degree of difficulty is directly
    related to your real self-confidence, and that’s
    what we’re going to raise by this “No Closure”

    No Closure is about never putting a “finish”
    on things.

    Never asking for a “finish,” or a “wrap-up” or
    a “de-briefing” or even a “clear understanding.”

    It’s about letting go of conversations,
    letting go of phone calls, letting go of ever
    hearing from him again, letting go of trying to
    figure out what that “look in his eye” meant, or
    what those things he said to you “really meant”
    or any of that.

    And because not asking for, looking for,
    expecting, or getting Closure is something we are
    SO uncomfortable with and unused to – NO CLOSURE
    requires one major thing.

    It requires that you –

    3. Listen to and trust YOURSELF.

    This means – listen to and trust your

    So, go ahead and imagine right now that YOU
    are EXPENSIVE – meaning you have High VALUE, a
    High Degree of Difficulty, and you’re very hard
    to get – NOT because you’re “difficult to be
    with,” but because you ALWAYS go with your

    What would that look like?

    Well, let’s say it’s something simple.

    He hasn’t called in three days, the weekend is
    coming up, and you don’t have a date with him

    You check your cellphone to make sure he
    didn’t leave a message, you check your email to
    make sure he didn’t leave a message.

    Now what?

    Well, you can imagine what’s going on in your

    “He’s in an accident. He forgot. He tried to
    call but couldn’t get through. He has family
    issues. Things are rough at work. He’s
    overwhelmed by the idea of a relationship.
    Something’s wrong. He’s dumping me…”

    You could probably go on for hours on just
    this one thing.

    So, what’s the No Closure thing to do?

    The “No Closure” thing to do is to…

    4. DO NOTHING.

    That means – not try to piece it together, or
    understand it, or make sense of it, or put a lid
    on your feelings, or send him good thoughts, or

    So – how do you do that?


    Start by practicing No Closure in small ways
    in small moments.

    Let’s say he glazes over for a second while
    you’re talking, or he forgets about you while
    he’s watching the ball game on TV and drinking
    beer in the recliner.

    Let’s say he hasn’t told you he loves you yet,
    though you’ve said it to him.

    Instead of assuming that he doesn’t care, or
    worrying about what he’s thinking, what if you
    just turned your attention ELSEWHERE?

    I know that when you’re all bound up in a man,
    there doesn’t seem to BE an elsewhere – but there
    really, truly is.

    Every man out there – and there are SO MANY –
    is a possible “Elsewhere.”

    Think of the possibilities.

    If every man out there is looking for a woman
    with some “degree of difficulty,” what can you do
    to raise yours?

    Closure is something we want when we have NO
    degree of difficulty.

    When we have a High Degree of Difficulty, we
    believe the truth – that…

    5. We have Choices!

    If you’d like extra help with being in a place
    where you truly believe you have Choices, where
    you BELIEVE you have a High Degree of Difficulty
    so that you can stop even THINKING about
    “Closure,” my Targeting Mr. Right program will
    get you on track.

    Circular Dating works so profoundly because it
    creates a whole new way of BEING for you around
    men. It teaches you how to USE every single
    interaction you have with ANY man to ramp up your
    inner confidence and let that new attitude just
    radiate out of you – where it will attract the
    highest quality men – including the man you may
    be with right now! Check out Targeting Mr. Right


    I know you have all the Choices in the world –
    right now – even if you can’t see them all just

    You WILL see them, and feel them, and you’ll
    have all the love you want without worrying about
    what happens next.

    Love, Rori

  52.  #52Lucy on May 14, 2010 at 1:46 pm

    Anyone want to help me with specifics on a response to Sunny Dayz?

    When I responded to his first email, I did mention the hat.

    Here is his second email:
    “Thanks for the reply…I know I need to work on better pictures…I’ve been working alot of hrs and I’m new to online dating…Why guys wear hats in pictures…I would have to answer that by saying most pictures taken of me come with no warning…;)…I don’t wear a hat when working of course…When I’m in my jeans and t-shirt mode Its just me…When we go to dinner and a movie I’ll leave the hat at home…;)…I need to head out for work…I look forward to hearing from you. Have a great day!!!”

    When he wrote about dinner and a movie, that was the first he mentioned that (it’s not that he’s referring to a date we have planned or anything. he’s just being cute or dropping a hint or whatever).

    Any thoughts? Thanks!

  53.  #53Lucy on May 14, 2010 at 1:52 pm

    Shannon, I agree with Siena. I would want to use feeling messages instead of stifling my feelings and feeling like I’m gonna explode.

    Maybe he is being so stubborn because he (as a messenger) is trying to say, “I want to hear what you FEEL!”

    Maybe it’s not HIM.

    I use “I feel confused” a lot. That’s what I would start with if a guy said

    Him: Hopefully by 6pm. Maybe closer to 6:30pm?

    Hmmm. Maybe I need to find out how I FEEL with Sunny Dayz and say it! 😀

  54.  #54Lucy on May 14, 2010 at 1:55 pm

    I feel interested.

    “I feel interested.”

    I can say that to Sunny Dayz. Short and sweet. And the truth.

  55.  #55Simply Shannon on May 14, 2010 at 2:01 pm

    Lucy, I dunno. I’m stumped. I have nothing to say in response to that email. Super cute and sweet email but I dunno. Mainly because at the end it felt like “ok, I’ll see ya.” not in a bad way or anything. My brain said “oh ok. see ya.”

    Maybe that means it doesn’t need a response?

  56.  #56Siena on May 14, 2010 at 2:04 pm

    Hi Lucy,

    I feel interested is good! But his email was a weather report (hehe). Why not play a little!?

    This is just off the top of my head, but I might write something like..

    “Thanks for your email, I feel interested! I don’t mind if you wear a hat when we go out… as long as it’s the right type of hat. The wrong type might get you booted off the island… so choose wisely (wink) “

  57.  #57Jeannette girl on May 14, 2010 at 2:08 pm

    Guys, I was talking w3ith a new relationship on the phone earlier, a month old one, and he asked me if we could do lunch today while I was up that way where I work near him. Anyway, I could not get a way. He said he would not be able to see me for the next three weekends because he will have his 15 year old with him. He was supposed to get Memorial day weekend off, but now his son said he would stay with him because he didn’t get some job he wanted. He first told him he’d take him up north, than the son said no because of a job he THOUGHT he was getting. So then his dad asked me if I would like to go up north with him and I said yes. Now, his son said he’s available. He said he has to put him first because he’s his son. I understand, but I don’t. I don’t want to get in a relationship where I’m on a shelf only to be brought down if he has nothing else going. How do I handle this one?

  58.  #58Lucy on May 14, 2010 at 2:13 pm

    Thanks Siena and Shannon.

    About the playing…

    Did ya ever notice that some guys just inspire effortless playfulness and some don’t?

    Getting Closer Man (of course) inspires that in me — we click that way. And I realized the other day that my interactions with him feel kinda like the easy breezy fun and laughter I share with my younger sister — we just click, and play off each other with zero effort or thought.

    I wonder if it is certain men who are just playful by nature, or the combination of certain men with certain women.

    My younger sister is not like that with my older sister, and neither am I. So it seems like it’s not one person, but the specific combination of two people.

  59.  #59Lucy on May 14, 2010 at 2:21 pm

    Jeannette — I would feel like there’s nothing to “handle.” He does what he does; I do what I do. If he comes around several weeks later and wants to see me because his son is not there or whatever, I go with whatever I am feeling in the moment. I wouldn’t want to try to predict how I would feel ahead of time. Right now he’s not available, so I just don’t think about him and what he’s doing.

    Eventually you will see if he has enough space for you in his life — how it feels after some more time has passed. It’s still very early with the two of you.

    What do you think?

  60.  #60Jeannette girl on May 14, 2010 at 2:25 pm

    I guess that is true, I just did not like that he said, “My son comes first.” Now I understand he does, but I would not have said that if I were him. Am I over reacting?

  61.  #61lynn on May 14, 2010 at 2:25 pm


    I think you have nailed it on that… i agree that its a combo thing. But when you get that right combo of chemistry and personality things just click and are so much fun. As for his email..he sounds sweet and attentive to me. He didnt want his pics to turn you off and explained about them..many men don’t bother. He also put a feeler out to a date to see how you feel about that and him. Use feel words and tell him his email made you smile and it made you feel playful and thoughts of date feels fun.

    Also think that maybe the hat is like a safety thing for him…self esteme..guys struggle w this too…be gentle and let this just develope and happen…Good Luck!!!

  62.  #62Siena on May 14, 2010 at 2:38 pm

    Lucy – “Did ya ever notice that some guys just inspire effortless playfulness and some don’t?” totally totally totally! Which is part of the reason why I always encourage playfulness (and play myself). Because I NEED a guy who can play with me! If he can’t, he can’t… next!

    Jeannette, you have a perfect opportunity to get closer to him! How would it feel to send him a text or email with a feeling message like,

    “I feel sad. I don’t want to get in a relationship where I’m on a shelf only to be brought down if there’s nothing better going on. What do you think?”

    You can’t change what he does, but you can certainly open up to him and create intimacy! I sure hope you do, this is a perfect opportunity!

  63.  #63Jeannette on May 14, 2010 at 2:46 pm

    Siena, well he will tell me he’s surprised because he though I love children that much too. Well, I DO however, he can stand to lose a woman early on if he says “My son comes first.”

  64.  #64Simply Shannon on May 14, 2010 at 2:47 pm

    JG: I feel confused. Did he just dump your plans for his son (who sounds like an adult since he’s looking for a job)? Yeah, I’d feel annoyed and disappointed about that.

  65.  #65Jeannette girl on May 14, 2010 at 2:48 pm

    His son is 15

  66.  #66Jeannette girl on May 14, 2010 at 2:49 pm

    I think the mistake is he can love his son that much but he should not say that he comes first, don’t put it like that, know what I mean?

  67.  #67MaureenJSL on May 14, 2010 at 2:50 pm

    I can’t even begin to count the ways in which I wish I had found all of this *before* I went down the path of sending what I see now as controlling messages to the guy that I really wanted to see turn into a relationship. Reading this post and then all of Have the Relationship you Want last night was a real eye opener to many things I could have done differently with the situation. Yipes!

    With Mr. Friend it was one of those things where you are good friends then *poof* something happens, they kiss you, and you both realize that you never saw that you were into each other for a long while. Seems fine and dandy. The complexities were that neither of us have dated much (him much less so than me) and both have been divorced for only about a year. And there was\is another woman he is interested in and had a few dates with. I had none of the Tools and this is where things go awry. I was not circular dating at all. I didn’t consider or set boundaries and let myself become hormonally attached to him and allowed things to get to sex without any type of established relationship. And then came the overthinking and the worry. The ‘omg what is this thing we have’ ‘what does he think of me’ ‘does he like me’ ‘is this something that could turn into something more’. Which as all of you know and I didn’t at the time lead to my trying to control the outcome, asking questions about how the relationship was defined, and asking them in all the wrong ways. I slipped away some from my hobbies and interests and hung on wondering when we’d next do something. Yeah, all the bad stuff. No leaning back, no keeping my options open, no saying how I really felt (or even looking to see how I did feel). And I sat there and waited, waited to see if I was patient enough if he would come around. yeah..oops.

    So of course what happened… As he had said before anything had happened he thinks I’m a ‘keeper’. He can see what would happen if we got together and feels it would be good. However, with the timing, the lack of dating experience, and my fear, etc etc he isn’t ready for a relationship. now from the objective logical side as as a good friend of his I can see that. But as a woman and as someone that honestly thinks he is a man worthy of me I know there are a lot of lessons to be learned from this.

    First off…I started reading here and started with the books. I also joined a site and the responses and ‘winks’ in just one day has really helped me boost my self esteem. Already two men want to take me for coffee. So plan is work on me, loving myself, getting back to the hobbies I love, meeting men, being open, being a woman, using the Tools.

    So I guess really what do I do with Mr. Friend? We drive to work together and I’m not certain if I just stop that or continue. Since it never really got to the point where it even was a boyfriend\girlfriend deal I’m not certain if the Tools or perhaps Reconnecting would apply. Trying to 100% cut him out of my life just seems like ‘I’m mad because you didn’t suddenly become ready for an exclusive relationship and I’m gonna be huffy and not be your friend anymore’. Hmm

  68.  #68Lucy on May 14, 2010 at 2:51 pm

    Personally, I really respect a man who places such a high value on time with his son, even if it means having to change plans with a woman…. and the reason I respect this so much and give a man room with it is because my kids’ Dad does NOT value time with them at ALL. I feel GOOD when a man cherishes his relationship with his kids. But that may be because of my personal experience.

  69.  #69Jeannette girl on May 14, 2010 at 2:54 pm

    I agree Lucy, I just don’t know how I fit in is all.

  70.  #70Lucy on May 14, 2010 at 2:55 pm

    Hmm, so the WORDS he used are what felt bad to you?

    That feels interesting.

    It could be one of those situations that Rori talks about where she says, “Ok, so his words kind of hit you the wrong way. Maybe it didn’t come across the way he meant it to. Give him a chance to SHOW you what he’ll do.”

  71.  #71Lucy on May 14, 2010 at 2:58 pm

    I’m pretty sure I have told men that my kids come first, in similar situations to the one you described. If I am simply DATING a man, not married to him, my kids DO come first — that’s just being truthful. And I would expect him to feel that way too. His kids are his kids forever. A woman he is dating MAY be here today, gone tomorrow.

  72.  #72Jeannette girl on May 14, 2010 at 3:03 pm

    I guess, I just think it sounds cold. I mean he could say, ” My kids are my world” but not, 1. them 2. you He was just reminding me and I don’t need that do I?

  73.  #73dorothea on May 14, 2010 at 3:03 pm

    i always speak the truth to my men. always always. and because i practiced rori’s tools re: speaking the truth with FEELING MESSAGES, it is basically physically impossible for me to cover up my true feelings or not express them. it makes me feel awful and is no longer an option.

    MEN LOVE HEARING THE TRUTH. it takes them out of the realm of reacting like pussy ass motherfucking bitches to the SPECULATION in their head about how you feel, to reacting to the actual truth in front of them. men, as a general rule, STEP UP to your truth when it is presented in a way that is about loving yourself and being comfortable with your feelings. even if you think it’s not what they want to hear, there is a certain relief for a man (or any human) in finally being presented with something he had essentially been avoiding and speculating and responding accordingly.

  74.  #74Jeannette girl on May 14, 2010 at 3:08 pm

    Dorothea, I think you’re right, it’s important to start a relationship with honesty. Thanks guys!

  75.  #75tallgirl10 on May 14, 2010 at 3:44 pm

    Thanks to everyone.

    So i figured out what this guy is here to teach me:

    A. Trust
    B. Second chances
    C. To realize that I have something to offer

    So I did not get a text until after I got off my plane. He triggered so much anxiety in me, I was almost crying. And this man has done nothing to show anything but interest (this time around).

    Trust – trust that when a man asks me out, he will show up. It might be at 3:00, not at 8:00 and it does not need to trigger copious amounts of fear.

    Second chances – he is really showing up for real this time. Everyone gets a second chance

    Something to offer – I am the shit, and even if he does not step up, it does not mean that no one will.

  76.  #76tallgirl10 on May 14, 2010 at 3:46 pm

    will try some feeling messages. Will thank him for driving and the tell him thanks because it makes me feel so relaxed on a friday!

    I need to work on these, having a hard time incorporating them.

    also, it is totally ok to ask what time.

    My guy for tonight asked if I wanted to have dinner before the show. I told him I would love to and then I asked what time?

    This is not controlling anything, it is making sure communication goes smoothly.

    I love the principles here, but please use common sense so you are not tripping over yourself. Let’s not make this all harder than it needs to be.

  77.  #77dorothea on May 14, 2010 at 4:19 pm

    I like how Rori uses the pregnancy scare example.

    I am fairly certain that after hiding a pregnancy scare (which amazingly resulted in a total breakdown in communication and almost ended my relationship), I miscarried.

    I was going to keep this from him.

    But it came up eventually. It bubbled to the surface. I told him. I told him the truth more than a few weeks after the fact. How I am not sure if I had a miscarriage but that I felt afraid to say anything, that I felt guilty saying something now, that I felt scared, that I don’t want to be a drama girl who claims miscarriage, that I feel embarrassed, that I want to RUN AWAY. all truth. it had nothing to do with him and me needing him or asking him to do something. he stepped up to the plate as it was presented. he handled it how he saw fit.

    he could have said “um, you crazy,” but he DIDN’T. the only time he implied i was crazy was when i wasn’t using feeling messages. when i wasn’t focusing on telling the truth. when i was trying to manipulate him into doing what i wanted and needed without shining a light for him on my feelings.

    and if he had called me crazy for bringing up the suspected miscarriage, and sharing my guilt and fear and embarrassment about every step of the way, then he was showing me who he is. and i would choose to get away from that. it would feel sad but i would choose to not date a guy who reacts so cruel.

    but like i was saying, when men are presented with the real truth, and not the manipulative gamey truth, they step up, even if they are already acting like punks because they speculate something is wrong with you pertaining to the particular issue at hand.

    telling him about this miscarriage brought us much closer. hiding it would have eaten away at us both.

    wow I am so brave for telling him. I thought i was brave for keeping it to myself and “sparing him” and suffering alone.

  78.  #78Rori Raye on May 14, 2010 at 5:13 pm

    Gizelle – I’m SO sorry – and here’s what I would do (I’m assuming this is something you can “pass” to a man): google your disease with “singles” after it. I’ll bet you anything there are groups and dating services for people who have what you have. Then you won’t have to worry ever again about telling a man anything. I’d also talk with a doctor about it – and about what that doctor’s experience is with how people cope with this. I’d google what you have and find everyone out there who’s talking about it – and make friends that way… perhaps you’ve done this already – but really focus on it and let me know what happens. Love, Rori

  79.  #79Tina on May 14, 2010 at 5:16 pm

    I was at truckmans house today, me sitting on the sofa , him playing with his computer, I started to feel frustrated 🙂 at watching him play on his computer, so I took a shower and left 🙂 . I thought I was annoyed at him, but really I was feeling annoyed at myself, beating myself up I guess. I gave myself a hug while I was brushing my teeth , got dressed and announced I was going home, thats it. We had interactions during all this of course, at one time I asked for the phone so I could call my son, he picked up the phone, checked his messages, and hung it up again then realized what he did and came over and brought me the phone haha. I was feeling annoyed sortof bubbling underneath, I couldnt understand what was happening to me, my feelings were kinda coming up and I was feeling more annoyed by the minute, anyway, we said our good byes, he gave me a hug, said I love you blah blah blah and I took off but not before he said Im going to have a nap and call you, I have a headache but I want to come down to see you. I said sure ok bye. Half way home I ran the scenario through my head again, and I started to feel anxious blah. I usually drag out my stay until later in the evening but this time I just took off lol. On my way home I bought a rose bush 🙂

    Last night I had my “i dont feel like having sex” message close up , face to face in bed naked lol He had a big erection. He started to rub his nose with my nose yeah we rubbed noses instead, then he says I want to marry you! anyway, I was feeling kinda up for something so long as I didnt have to DO anything hehe, I said I dont feel like opening my mouth, using my hands blah ! haha, we worked around it.

    I really had to pull myself up and out of his house to save my life wow cool. I bought a bag of chips, I drove slow , looked behind me and a line up of cars was behind me, I pulled over a little to let them all pass me by, I got “looks” the road was empty, I kept driving slow and munching on my chips and in the middle of the road just above me, I saw two crows circling around each other, my first thought was, I wonder if their fcking or fighting?

  80.  #80Rori Raye on May 14, 2010 at 5:28 pm

    Maureen, Welcome – and – do you think you can just imagine him as one of your Circular Dating guys? Forget the labels – sometimes you see him and sometimes you don’t – but you’re ALWAYS YOU – open, goddessy, strong on the inside, soft on the outside, using Feeling Messages. makes no difference who he is! Love, Rori

  81.  #81Siena on May 14, 2010 at 5:47 pm

    I feel sad. I want to make an investment in my business, and I have no one to approach for advice. I feel strongly that this investment will pay off for me in the long run, and it’s a direction I feel excited to move in, but I have no one who I can turn to who will help me figure out what I should do.

    I told one person who is close to me about the opportunity, and her response was that I shouldn’t spend any money and should instead get information about it from the library.

    It’s my company that will be spending the money, not me.

    And that’s small-minded thinking “inside the box” thinking, which is something I’m trying to break out of.

    So I feel sad. I guess this means that I have been unavailable to others when they needed leadership and advice – because I don’t have it now when I need it.

    But that’s not exactly true. I give lots of people jobs. (well, not lots… but many.)

    I need a mentor to talk this through with.

  82.  #82Siena on May 14, 2010 at 5:50 pm

    and I feel a little offended that she thinks that I can get this information that I’m looking for from the library. I’ve been in business for 10 years – if I could have gotten what I needed from the library, wouldn’t I have already done that?

    A library is great when you are looking for start-up ideas… maybe that’s why I’m feeling offended. I feel a little prideful I guess.

  83.  #83Tina on May 14, 2010 at 6:11 pm

    I’m sure I would have felt like kicking him in the head, if the situation had a been different, like if he persisted with the bj thing. I remember saying something like, I feel happy when I feel my boundaries are respected.

  84.  #84EarthDancer on May 14, 2010 at 6:38 pm

    Tallgirl10: I LOVE it … you’re the shit! haha

    Ok, so I used Tallgirl10’s suggestions to text back Mr. Never Calls: “I feel drinks might be fun (I love the MIGHT word, thank u), but I don’t like texting back and forth … I really enjoy a real convo … what do you think?” He texted back that he would call me after lunch, and he did. We set up a time for drinks 2nite and it went OK.

    What kind of free therapy did I get tonight? I found myself leaning forward, trying to fill up the silence (check – lean back and FEEL – what am I feeling? UNCOMFORTABLE ’cause he isn’t asking me anything about myself…i feel APPRECIATIVE for him driving and asking me out for a drink …check – ok – I’m feeling the energy coming in towards me …. I’m feeling JUDGMENTAL ’cause he looks way older than he says he is … AND l’m trying to figure out what other messages he has for me …

    I’m feeling disappointed in myself that I didn’t use all of Rori’s tools at the right time, but at least I realized I wasn’t and I will do better next time! YAY! for me! Now I’m going out to a bar to listen to a band BY MYSELF! and experiment some more 🙂

  85.  #85Kismet on May 14, 2010 at 6:46 pm

    I feel glad!

    Today he was saying some things that made me feel low about myself. He’s been talking about my small butt size. (I think mine is sexy!) He got mad at something I did that wasn’t really in my control, then joked about it which made me feel worse because his joke didn’t sound like a joke. Then he asked why I sent him my picture because he doesn’t need it and I “look scary.” He was joking but I wasn’t feeling those jokes.

    I layed on his bed. He asked what I was doing and I said “nothing.” Then I said, “You make me feel ugly” and gave the reasons why. I thought I sounded like a little girl and he dislikes me being like a kid. I thought he would criticize me but he said, “You’re not ugly, that’s the last thing you are.” Then he said all the other positive physical traits of mine. I felt better, but I still don’t want him to say it just because I point it out to him. But, I made a shift today =)

  86.  #86EarthDancer on May 14, 2010 at 6:47 pm

    P.S. Brenda, from the previous thread re: weird online names: I got a text from toplesslover57 today – and his only question to me was if I would ride in his convertible topless 🙁 ick!

  87.  #87Siena on May 14, 2010 at 7:12 pm

    I won a raffle prize of a gift certificate today! The day I submitted my name for the raffle, it was the day that Goodheart talked about how she had used the LOA to win a massage. I went later that day for a massage and entered my name into a raffle, and just found out I won! I remember that I did something to “intend” that I win, but I don’t remember what it was.

    And last night, I asked again for a check to come to me. That’s 2 gift certificates in 2 days!

    Thank you God! I feel so grateful!

  88.  #88Siena on May 14, 2010 at 7:14 pm

    Earthdancer, #84 – that is so awesome! Congratulations! You’re totally doing it!

    “I’m feeling disappointed in myself that I didn’t use all of Rori’s tools at the right time, but at least I realized I wasn’t and I will do better next time!”

    I feel this way too sometimes, but that’s why CD is so great… there are always more men to practice on! And it gets easier and easier.

    Yay you!

  89.  #89Siena on May 14, 2010 at 7:17 pm

    I’m gonna go for 3 days of “checks in the mail” and see how it works!

    Kismet – awesome breakthrough!

    Wow, all of a sudden tonight on this blog, there are a bunch of breakthroughs! Awesome sirens!!

  90.  #90Turtle Girl on May 14, 2010 at 7:46 pm

    Truth? Yeah-I told on of my CD guys this yesterday in an email. I am not practiced at this-my feelings-my truth but I am fucking sick to death of men who I can’t relate to, and I have to walk on eggs around because they are not grown up men. They are Peter fucking Pan at sixty something. Ugh. After my email-he said-
    “You are right. I don’t think we should see each other any more”

    Thank you. Thank you for showing you true colors. You did not step up to the plate. You ruled yourself out. You told me by bowing out that you are not capable of a relationship like I want. Thank You.
    I said NO-he left, so that Mr. Yes can show up.

    Here is what I said to him:

    I feel awkward and helpless.
    I feel frustrated.
    I feel not knowing what to do.

    I don’t want a relationship with a man that I can’t talk to about anything with. I don’t want a relationship with a man that I feel like I have to walk on eggs around for fear of saying the wrong thing. I want to be able to discuss life and all it’s complexities and problems. I want a grown up relationship. I want to talk about the good things, the happy things as well as the not so good things, not so happy things. I want to be able to talk even if it is uncomfortable. I want emotional intimacy. I want physical intimacy. I want caring and respect and love and trust.

    I don’t want to be with a man who can’t handle all my feelings, whatever those are. I don’t want to be with a man that I can’t be myself around. I don’t want to judge or criticize or blame. I feel hopeless. I feel disappointed.
    I feel confused. I feel alone. I feel empty. I feel unimportant. I feel like this thing is the elephant in the living room. I feel scared that this will never change.
    I feel sorrowful. I feel heartbroken that I am not free to express my feelings. I feel shut down. I feel unattracted. I feel angry. I feel upset and dissatisfied.
    I feel not comforted. I feel lost. I feel sad.

    Many I did not do this perfectly, but I feel like I did WAY better than I would have done in the past. If anyone has any suggestions for improvement let me know please. All input is appreciated from you beautiful sirens. xxxooo

  91.  #91Turtle Girl on May 14, 2010 at 7:51 pm

    Oh, and that elephant in the living room-impotency.

    And the fact that I can never say anything that isn’t “happy shiny” without him wanting to change the subject or shut me down and cut off my words.

    Anything that is real and unpleasant-someone dies, an animal dies, something bad happens-he will not discuss it-period.
    Told me that is just basically negative energy. Gets really uncomfortable and wants to change the subject. Shit, grow the fuck up please…….

  92.  #92softy on May 14, 2010 at 8:47 pm

    ” Let It Rain ”

    I can’t hold back no more
    I let it out
    All these feelings that were
    Trapped inside
    I was frozen evertime
    I looked in your eyes
    Clear my head
    From all the cluttered things
    I should’ve said
    That wasn’t me
    No I can’t live like that
    I’m waking up and there is no
    Looking back

    Every little tear
    I was scared to cry
    Everyting I feared
    But I kept inside
    I don’t wanna hold
    It back one more day
    Oh wash it away
    Every tiny thought clouding
    Up my head
    Every single word that
    I never said
    I refuse to feel ashamed
    Let it rain
    Let it rain

    Clear the sky
    I start to breathe again
    No-thing to hide
    Let you through to who
    I am inside
    Every layer
    ’til you get underneath my skin
    Let you in, let you in

    Every little tear
    I was scared to cry
    Everything I feard
    But I kept inside
    I don’t wanna hold it back
    One more day
    Oh was it away
    Every tiny thought
    Clouding up my head
    Every single word that
    I never said
    I refuse to feel ashamed
    Let it rain
    Let it rain

  93.  #93Alicia on May 14, 2010 at 9:10 pm

    I like this article.. Thanks Rori..

    I can’t wait to get more programs.. As soon as I watched Modern Sirens I gave it to my friends.. I feel kinda sad cause some of them don’t get it, and they just keep repeating the same stuff.. But, I just give them the tools, listen until I feel like not listening.. and redirect them to this info.. and take care of myself.. I figure the proof will be when they are at my wedding.. haha. Like, I told ya the secret a year ago..
    Just playin 😉 kinda… haha

    I wish they would teach this stuff in school.. How useful would that have been. Goodness the amount of relationship abuse and teen pregnancy would go waaaayyyyy down.

  94.  #94Alicia on May 14, 2010 at 9:12 pm

    Softy –

    Nice expresssion… I enjoyed reading it.. perfect for today’s weather where I’m at especially and I related to the feelings. Thanka!

  95.  #95Alicia on May 14, 2010 at 9:22 pm

    I feel a little frustrated… I really am having fun doing the CD thing and I woke up late today with 4 or 5 text from different guys.. And that is cool becuase it actually starting to feel normal.. 🙂 So, I like that feeling… But, I feel frustrated with how long it’s taking to not miss my fun.wild.hot.calm. guy that led me here.. It’s been a year since we’ve seen eachother although the emails were always flowing until I got on here a month ago and stopped that.. But seriously……. I’m not holding my breath, I felt guilty for taking a friends advice and ending things when my heart was not wanting that. Then I somehow felt rejected by him. But, blllaaaaah that’s all old news. I sooooo want to be over this guy. I’m ready for someone that gives me the butterflies.. And if in the future that is him then great.. But, I know until I don’t miss him that will never happen, right? I know he might always be in my heart and I just accept it when I feeling or memory pops up. But…… geeeesh as proactive as I am with getting on with it, and receiving from other men. I thought this would feel a little different.. Well, it does feel better but, l dunno………. It’s rainy here in Dallas, It’s cuddle weather. But, with chemistry no less.. haha. Guess I’ll have an Alicia night.. hope my batteries are working.. haha.. J/K

  96.  #96softy on May 14, 2010 at 9:23 pm

    Alicia – Thanks 🙂 I got this words from a song

    here’s the link http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zSc9l4ZgxUw

  97.  #97EarthDancer on May 14, 2010 at 9:28 pm

    Siena #88 & #89:

    Thank You! for your cheer & support I am feeling smiley reading your note – I am getting better!!! Went out to the bar & only attracted one drunk man with NO RHYTHM haha who had a girlfriend there … so I must need to work on what I’m projecting hahaha hmmm. but I feel proud I went out & experimented!

    wow! I feel so impressed and happy for your raffle win! I feel glad to read a real LOA success story … good for you 🙂

    TurtleGirl: I LOVED your email to Mr. No – it is sossoooo honest & open … I am teary reading your disappointment but I feel hopeful your Mr. Yes is on his way to you! I feel proud of your softness & vulnerability … yes, you deserve all that and more … I feel angry with stupid, superficial men – only experiencing life on the surface of anything real … uggggghhhhh … definitely NOT siren material… icky I”m feeling so much love and empathy for you 🙂 *hugs*

    Softy: oh, thank you for posting that poem, I am reading your words that feel like water flowing over my heart … calming, soothing … I love “No I can’t live like that I’m waking up and there is no Looking back”…baby steps…

  98.  #98dorothea on May 14, 2010 at 10:34 pm

    yay earth dancer u rock u really are doin it!

    i feel sooo beaming proud of you

  99.  #99christina on May 14, 2010 at 11:02 pm

    I wonder if I could get some advice, or you could stop me from doing something I’ll regret.

    I had a crush on a man I knew for quite awhile. We’re both pretty shy, but I always had the feeling that something would happen.

    What happened is he helped me with a court case over a period of a year (he’s a lawyer). I never gathered the courage to speak more personally to him. For example in looking back there was an exact moment I know now, where I should have said, I don’t want to do this anymore ( the opponent was the instigator and kept taking it to appeal).

    But I had faith of sorts that things would work out.

    Well we lost big time, and I learned when we lost that you face these things alone. This is a small town, I feel humiliated and exposed; I am quite self-conscious so I could be feeling more than is there; but there is something wrong.

    Anyway, he told me after the case that he was leaving to go back to school. I didn’t know what to say, and I didn’t see him much. We were emailing periodically over a couple of months, but I felt so abandoned and cautious I didn’t reach out much. Which is good I guess, judging by all the advice. (I deleted a batch of his emails last summer there were more than 200).

    I’ve never been so confused by any man in my life. I found out he didn’t go away when I ran into him in town, and it looked like he was dating someone or one the verge of dating. He’s not a player at all, so I was kind of hurt, to say the least. It was a classic case of telling myself he was too shy, or the court thing was in the way or yada yada yada.

    I saw him at a bar after I realized he wasn’t leaving. (He knew I was hurt, about that, and the woman he was with). I was sitting at the other end of the table. It was so strange, he kept looking out the window but his whole body was pointed towards me. I know enough about body language that it made me think something I can’t understand was going on in his head. He seemed so sad.

    I struggled with this all winter. I feel so socially isolated and sometimes I think it started with my feelings for him and getting mired in that court case when in my heart I wanted to walk away.

    Anyway tonight I was at the bar and someone I know mentioned that the woman I thought he might be seeing was going over to his place for dinner.

    I guess I was hoping that nothing came of it because I felt terrible seeing the evidence = and it was confirmed by the way, by her frend, which is how low I’ve sunk

    All this time I’ve been in a state I’ve rarely seen myself in, especially for so long; crying a lot, and writing. I filled about six notebooks. I’ve been trying to write myself out of it, and do all the things I’ve done before and nothing seems to work anymore. And in the meantime he’s forming a relationship.

    I know this is a lot of detail and probably sounds like much ado about nothing. But I’ve had my heart broken before. I really don’t get crushes on totally unattainable men. I get involved and it doesn’t work out and I find that hard to accept, is more my pattern. But all this turmoil over someone I haven’t even slept with, I don’t get it.

    I feel very jealous tonight. This woman is a musician, and has a child, and she’s funny and sweet and writes all these personal songs that reveal this character anyone would fall in love with. I filled two pages with all the reasons he gave me to get away from me. It hurts to know he’s inviting her over.

    I should say though, I rarely called him or did anything first unless it was court related. He really didn’t have to work so hard to get away from me. Anyway it’s perplexing. then I would see him and it wouldn’t be quite so black and white.

    I’m 12 years older than him, and while I can be fun, the past couple of years have really been difficult ones, and I sure haven’t been fun lately. I really tried not to complain too much, but it made me really quiet, or worse, artificial.

    I feel upset because so much seems to have been out of my control. And I guess I’m just tired of it – the men who don’t care back.

    What I’m struggling with is contacting him and saying I want to talk. What would I even say? All the things I never had the courage to before? What’s the point? Rori said awhile ago if you don’t speak your feelings the man will gain much more in importance and I am finding that to be true.

    But I sort of want to say, you left a mess here. We lost that court case and I’ve barely seen you since. And I deal with the fallout every day. I thought you were going to be here for me, or I never would have done it. I suppose all that sounds accusing.

    But mostly I just miss him. I saw him on the street a few weeks ago, and he got that self satisfied look men get when two women like him. And he didn’t even come over to say hello. That makes me mad and sad…

    I guess this earthquake hit my life, the court case, or feelings for him, I don’t even know which. I don’t even recognize myself some days. And something about him is tearing me up more. And I’m not sure what it is really. In my head I know if I feel abandoned, he ‘s not good for me. He’s a good person, but there’s something about me he doesn’t want to be around, and it may be my energy right now but it’s a chicken and egg thing. But before I really liked the way I felt with him. I trusted him, and something about him made me relax inside. I want that feeling again and so I want to see him again.

    Tonight at the bar everyone was sort of completely avoiding me in the weirdest way. I was like a rock that water splashes off. Just when you most need companionship, it seems to me, is when people want to be with you the least.

    I don’t know what to do anymore. In a small town your options are so limited. I can’t leave, I have a business and I need to make money in the next few months. Part of the fallout of two years of court is my income suffered simply because my life needs all my attention.

    Anyway, can anyone share some wisdom? Should I contact him just to make him real again? Trying to forget him really isn’t working. Can I just be exhausted? Is there something wrong with me? In all seriousness. This has been going on for a very long time, it totally bewilders me and it’s starting to scare me.

    I’m really not in the habit of pinning my hopes on someone who’s not in some way encouraging me. I’m sure he knows how I feel now, and that kind of makes me feel humiliated. I’m so tired of being the loser who wistfully looks on as her man dances off with someone else. But in a small town you don’t necessarily get to reboot all your social relationships. So I know I’ll be faced with it.

    But I am very lonely these days. You might have to live in a small town to understand how awkward it can all be. Lately I’ve been wondering if I have some mild form of post traumatic stress disorder.

    Work is usually my comfort but it’s not really working lately. I can do it but not with the joy I usually have in it. I miss the person I was. I really do. I’m afraid I’ll never see her again.

    But that person didn’t think men were in her future anymore. I wonder if the reawakening of hope is just too painful, esp. when it seems someone else gets those hopes fulfilled.

  100.  #100Maria on May 14, 2010 at 11:21 pm

    Maria here, again. Veryslowly recovering from Indian tragedy. It is a totally offtopic, but, is anyone here from London? I have to come there soon again, and it would be nice to have contacts there. Email me at

  101.  #101mary on May 15, 2010 at 1:33 am

    Hello Giselle,

    I don’t know how everyone skipped over your comment. Maybe it took a while to be moderated?


    My heart goes out to you. My heart feels sad for you! I understand your position from the other side…

    The guy that I loved so much also had an incurable sexual disease. He didn’t tell me until we’d been dating a while. We were “just friends” for a few months, then after we started kissing and getting more intimate, he told me.

    I was very disappointed. Not because he didn’t tell me sooner. But because it meant that everything we did carried a risk for me. And I worked it through. And I decided that I truly loved him. Enough to marry him! So I was very careful.

    I was trying to not have sex anyway, and the disease made it easier. (Now I see that as an avoidance tactic, rooted in a deep conflict that keeps raging within, but I didn’t see that then.) I told him I loved him and that if we got married, I’d just have the disease too. And we did get engaged.

    Being engaged was scary and uncomfortable for him. And I don’t know how the disease factored in, but I’ll tell you this: it didn’t stop me from loving him and wanting to be his wife. That didn’t happen, but I’d do it again if he had a big revelation or epiphany or made a major change, and if I believed he could be a forever man.

    I think it could work the other way around. Especially because most of the diseases are more painful for women than they are for men. I think there would be a man who would love you through whatever happened. I just know it.

    I’m sad that this man that you really like didn’t take it well. Give him some time! Maybe he’ll mellow. It’s something to wrap your head around… and maybe he’s working on it.

    What do you think?

  102.  #102mary on May 15, 2010 at 1:51 am

    Island Man is coming over in the morning!

    Yippeeeeeee!!! Hooraaaaay!!!

  103.  #103Daria on May 15, 2010 at 2:14 am

    Janette –

    If someone said to me “my son comes first’

    i would at first feel weird, confused, then angry

    then i would feel guilty for feeling angry, and i would still feel angry

    i realize that

    i would feel LEFT OUT!! and that doesn’t feel good

    and i would feel afraid to share that, cuz i dont want to feel like im coming between him and his son… and also when i heard those words i would have felt weird and kinda separated and rejected… and i feel guilty thinking and ashamed thinking that it sounds like im being selfish and shallow… and thats not what i want to be… i would feel weird and insecure… and a little bad… and confused about why i felt that way…

    and i would ask him what he thinks after sharing my feelings (hehe i htouhgt it was gonna be like one but then maybe a whole slew of them came out)

    i would rephrase to him

    its important to me that i dont feel like im coming between u and your son, and i felt weird hearing the words my son comes first… i felt kinda pushed away … and i feel so guilty to say that… and i feel afraid… waht do you think

    ok i would rephrase

    i felt kinda weird and disconnected hearing that your son comes first… id like a man that is a good father and i dont want to feel like i am coming in between that… and i felt that way… what do you think?


    I felt kinda weird when i heard “my son comes first”… i felt kinda out of place and disconnected… i dont want to be feel pushed away or moved out a place by a man whos a good father…

    um reprhase


    I feel… confused and kinda bad. I don’t want… to feel bad hearing “my son comes first” … and i feel scared sharing that… what do you think?


    i feel so tightened up… i didnt like hearing that, i felt kinda brushed off… what do you think?

    i might say something like the last… i feel so tightedned up i dont want to “work” onthis anymore…

    i think my subconscious has got it and would spit it out nicely some way

    thank u


    i feel more empowered

  104.  #104mary on May 15, 2010 at 2:39 am

    i love it so much that you’re a good father.

    i’d very much hate to come between you and your son.

    do you think there might be enough love for everyone?

    i’d feel so wonderful to be included in the circle of love that just goes round, round, and round again.

  105.  #105mary on May 15, 2010 at 2:47 am

    i feel happy and at peace that island man is coming tomorrow. he’s coming over on the ferry, and he’ll be here anywhere from 10:45 am – 11 am! what can we do? i have no idea. i told him he has to be gone by 5 pm. wow. i have a date tomorrow night! too bad… he could have had the spot if he’d made plans sooner. but he didn’t.

  106.  #106mary on May 15, 2010 at 3:42 am

    now i’m all worried about island man. i’m cleaning house and oh! i’m so sleepy.

    i miss R so much.

    i know it’s the familiarity, like i was talking about before, that i miss.

    i miss the feeling comfortable,

    the getting past the first stages,

    the knowing what we like to do,

    the not being shocked about anything,

    the stories that are already told,

    the parents, kids, brothers and sisters that we’ve already met

    and we’re just spending time together.

    i miss that.

    i want that.

    and i want it with R.

    oh, and it’s not possible.

    ever again.

    how to live with that?


    i know.


    i’m trying.

    i really am.

    okay island man.

    come on over.

    let’s tell our stories.

    and i’ll fall asleep because i stayed up all night cleaning my little tiny apartment.

  107.  #107tallgirl10 on May 15, 2010 at 4:22 am

    Last night I had my second date with text guy. He came to pick me up, we went out for a fun and inexpensive dinner, went and grabbed a drink and then went to a concert.

    Dinner and drinks were nice, and the conversation flowed well. He was asking questions etc. I was gracious and thanked him for everything and I paid for the drinks since he got dinner and the concert. I told him I was having a great time.

    We got to the show, and he was really gracious to help me find a place to sit because I have been having ankle issues and am limping a tad. He was making fun of me a little, as was I.

    When we were there for the first band we sat next to each other, we were talking and telling stories. He even said I entice him to tell stories.

    To my shock, he was much more physically affectionate than usual. He put his arm around me, and we sat there and enjoyed and joked. It was really really fun! I know he was having a good time too.

    The second band came on, they were fantastic, and we danced a little, but half way through I noticed he was watching this woman dancing (most people were, she was very attractive). He distanced himself from me a little, but it was hard to tell because it was a large concert. At the end we reconnected.

    When the concert ended, we walked back to his car, he had his arm on my back for a while and then we had a nice drive home. Joking and playing music.

    Here is where it gets aweful. I am so upset, and I want to cry.

    When he arrived in my driveway, he pulled up. Usually, he turns a little so we can have a kiss (this is the second date, but we dated briefly last year). Well, he kept his arms on the steering wheel. He turned his head and said – that was fun, and I said yeah, it was really fun. I then did something I am now embarrassed about.

    I should have just gotten out of the car and not kissed him, but I leaned in a quick goodbye kiss. I could not believe that this man who had his arm around me was now not even trying to kiss me. WHAT CHANGED????? I threw myself at him, ok, not so much, but I did lean in for the kiss.

    So he then turned around and we kissed for few minutes. And then I got out of the car and now I feel sick.

    No man who wants to date you on a second date does not try to kiss you. I have no idea what I did in those minutes for him to loose interest. How did one of the best dates of my life turn into one of the worst in the last three minutes.

  108.  #108tallgirl10 on May 15, 2010 at 4:38 am

    I feel sick, I feel nauseated, I feel abandoned and confused. I feel aweful and icky. What the hell happened? What did I do wrong?

    How could he have gone from sweet and affectionate to me leaning in for a kiss.

    I am so embarrassed! If I had leaned away, maybe he would have leaned in.

    I hate saying goodbye. Is there any chance for this. I will do nothing, but I am so upset and confused. He seemed to be stepping up so different than last time.

  109.  #109mary on May 15, 2010 at 5:08 am

    wow, tallgirl.

    i feel sick right along with you. i feel hopeful that there’s a reason why he did that. i feel sad that you’re taking it so hard. i’m happy for the hours during the date that you enjoyed!

    i feel excited that somehow this will fall into place in the larger scheme of things… as a learning experience, or a stepping stone or even something to laugh at later in life.

    i feel kind of a stomach ache imagining what you must be feeling right now.

  110.  #110mary on May 15, 2010 at 5:09 am

    oh, it’s already light and i’ve stayed up all night! i’ve been reading evan katz’s book “why he disappeared.”

    wow. i’m beginning to feel ready for island man. the book has been helping! it’s GREAT. it’s some specifics about what to do and what to not do from the man’s perspective.

  111.  #111mary on May 15, 2010 at 5:09 am


    i think if i had been you in that situation, i might have leaned in for the kiss, too.

    i really think so.

  112.  #112mary on May 15, 2010 at 5:18 am

    oh, the only thing is, eh…

    he already told me that he has no money.

    he’s coming over on the ferry and that’s expensive. it’s very expensive if he drives over, and i did offer to pick him up. i said i had to be home at 5pm. he said no – if he leaves me at my house at 5pm, then we’ll have more time together.

    how to handle food?

    he eats only organic food.


    i’m just zipping around all day. i don’t care a whit about food.

    should i go to the grocery store and cook something up?

    i don’t even think he eats chicken. he did say he eats salmon, but i’m not cooking that in my apartment. i go out and eat salmon. end of story.

    so what?

    peanut butter and jelly?

    he took me out to eat last weekend when he came in. it’s probably about $80 to come in for the day. and then he took me out. i’m sure he can’t do that every week.

    i don’t really feel comfortable cooking.



    but what do i make for veggie man?

    a veggie picnic.

    cucumbers, sprouts, avocado, chipotle sauce, etc.


    i’ll get that stuff and have it in my fridge and we can make it together. then go eat it.

    i’ll get a quilt out of my storage room so we can have a picnic.

    that’ll be nice.

    i’ll love that.

    thank you!

    thank you.

  113.  #113tallgirl10 on May 15, 2010 at 5:48 am

    Thanks mary. Leaning in is strong, but more like two people looking forward with heads turned towards each other. I simply shifted left. Then we both turned.

    We had had so much fun, it just seemed weird to leave the car with no kiss, especially given his physical attentiveness.

    I have no idea what happened? What did I do.

    Have fun today!

  114.  #114mary on May 15, 2010 at 6:04 am

    maybe you didn’t do anything!

    maybe you’ll hear from him soon.

    maybe he was trying to hold himself back from mauling you.


    as evan says, don’t even try to figure it out. just go on about your day. (easier said than done?)

    anyway, have a good day!

  115.  #115lynn on May 15, 2010 at 6:04 am


    I feel so sad for you. It must be so hard to not be able to get away from any of that. I know when somethings in my head , its so hard to get it out. I don’t know if talking to him is a good idea. I’m confussed on alot of the rules too. I did get the ebook a few days ago and am reading it now. I would be glad to talk to ya though as a sounding board if you need one. If you don’t want to post everything then here’s my email , we can talk that way too..just let me know. Us girls have to stick together..and noone has to feel alone. We are here for you and eachother.

  116.  #116lynn on May 15, 2010 at 6:11 am

    Idk if I think it was wrong move but it happened and you had a GREAT dat it sounds , so don’t let that little voice ruin it. My guess is that its a sign of how well it did go just because your hearing that voice. Don’t fret it, he may have just been unsure of what you wanted and didn’t want to step on your toes either.

    A picnic sounds fun…nice idea…Have Fun and stay out of your own head today 🙂

  117.  #117Lori on May 15, 2010 at 6:17 am


    I feel your frustration- HUGS to you! I feel like you are just overthinking everything. One of the lessons of CD is letting go of control of the outcome and dating men to see what lessons they have for you, to practice the tools until they come naturally, and to keep yourself so busy with several guys that you don’t focus on what is or isn’t working and happening with any one guy.

    I feel like the message with text guy is that you still want to control the outcome. You leaned in for the kiss because you were analyzing his body language and didn’t feel that HE was going to kiss YOU. So what if he hadn’t kissed you? Maybe he was concerned about his breath or had a headache or just didn’t feel like kissing at that moment. I once went out with a guy who seemed in a hurry to end one of our dates and I later found out that he really just had to go to the bathroom very badly at that moment but was embarassed to tell me that!

    Why did you place so much importance on whether or not he kissed you? Why did you feel that you had to make sure a kiss happened? These are questions you should be asking yourself, not whether or not he likes you or if you screwed something up during the date that made him not want to kiss you etc. Like Shannon says, you can’t say (or do) the wrong thing with the right person. If you do or say something and it turns a man away from you, then HE is not the right man for YOU.

    Don’t beat yourself up that you leaned in for the kiss, just tell yourself that text guy showed you that you still need to practice the tools more and let go of the outcome. I really hope you are not just dating him. Circular date, circular date, circular date! CD will show you how fabulous you are and once you realize that you won’t be focusing on whether one man kisses you or not, but you will realize they all want to kiss you and YOU get to decide which men are lucky enough to spend time with you!

    For me, it went even further than that. CD gave me confidence even when it was difficult, and that confidence not only led to more and better men showing up, but also led to me getting a major promotion at work! I’m now focusing on moving to a new city and starting my new position and not focusing on men at all and men are just falling all over me everywhere I go lately. I am straight and honest with all of them and tell them exactly what I want, think and feel every step of the way. Even if I change my mind from one day to the next, I’m honest and don’t worry that it might make me seem flaky. I show all of my feelings and moods-good and bad. I don’t worry hurting their feelings or what they think and I don’t walk on eggshells around any of them. And they LOVE it! I have 3 men at the moment who all want to step up and commit (talking marriage!) to me, and I’M the one trying to decide who I want or if I even want to commit to anyone! I can’t even remember being that sad, insecure girl who couldn’t get a date and couldn’t get over her ex a year and a half ago! I can’t tell you how freeing it is to reach this point. I feel so grateful for this journey and this process.

  118.  #118tallgirl10 on May 15, 2010 at 8:02 am

    It does not make any sense to me that someone who has their arm around me for over an hour does not want to kiss me.

    I feel sick, I feel upset, I feel disappointed, I feel abandoned, I feel shocked, I feel angry.

    I was not trying to control the kiss, I thought it was a logical extension of his behavior from earlier that evening and when we had dated before (three times last year). And I thought it would be weirder to get out of the car without at least a peck.

    I feel awful. I feel not enough and like I did something wrong.

  119.  #119tallgirl10 on May 15, 2010 at 8:28 am

    BTW, we had kissed on previous dates, including the one last week, so that was a big part of why I was so surprised.

  120.  #120Siena on May 15, 2010 at 8:41 am

    Tallgirl, one thing Rori says also is to experiment. How would it feel to reframe your thinking about the kiss? Think of it as an experiment. You leaned in, and it didn’t feel good… Experiment completed! There will definitely be another chance to experiment with this – especially if you fill up your “dance card” with CDs!



  121.  #121tallgirl10 on May 15, 2010 at 8:45 am

    I experimented with leaning back the whole time. I also experimented with thanking him and telling him I was having a really nice time.

    I don’t want to date anymore. I did everything right here, and look where it got me. Feeling rejected and confused. Or should I say, I know this is over.

  122.  #122Siena on May 15, 2010 at 9:23 am

    Lori, I absolutely love your story! I love how it spilled into your professional life too! That’s really encouraging! Thank you for sharing it!

    I have two solid CDs right now, and the third spot is a bit of a revolving door, but I feel good about that!!

    It would feel really great to meet or attract back a solid third contender 🙂 (spoken in a Rocky voice)

  123.  #123Apple Jacks on May 15, 2010 at 9:46 am

    Sirens, and Rori I need all of your guiding wisdom. Okay, so my sister-in-law I guess has someone in her sights for me. That’s fine, I’m open to meeting anyone. She asked me if I was open to someone for “marriage.” I said “I’m open to meeting anyone and see what developes.” Then this morning she asked me what my “criteria” was for a “husband.” I was like….”huh???” She said, meaning how is she going to find me a suitable one if she doesn’t know….WTH???

    What do I say??? I managed to say I like guys who are older, maybe well established and flexible minded but that I try to avoid having too many check lists in the case of dating and meeting men because in my experience mad attraction can happen when you least expect it, and the main thing for me really is to just meet a whole bunch of different men. I told her what Rori says, it’s not about the perfect man but about the perfect relationship and I’m open to just meeting. Is there any other suggestions ya’ll can give me? Am I on the right track? Lol, criteria, AYI! *Facepalm*

  124.  #124dorothea on May 15, 2010 at 10:30 am

    if you leaned in for the kiss and now u feel weird, all you gotta do is lean back. DON’T CALL HIM. FOR ANY REASON. 😀 let it go. he’ll probably call. just lean back either way

    i feel a lil triggered tho because he stopped paying attention and was focusing on this other woman. i would feel turned off and yucky. i still would have tried to regain his affection tho. i know that feeling.

  125.  #125saskia on May 15, 2010 at 10:42 am

    Just got back from my second CD date this week (two different men I mean). Both just showed up in my life (not online) and are keen to get to know me. As flattering as this is and as much as the dates were quite enjoyable I came away from them really empty, missing my ex even more. He is the one I want to be with. Damn it. I can’t be open to other men, way too soon, if ever. Feel like hiding and never coming out to face the world again. I am so wounded and fragile. Pure putty inside. I have better moments, but always go back to feeling totally bereft.

  126.  #126Ankita on May 15, 2010 at 10:57 am

    Apple Jacks

    I think what you said to her was great…!! 🙂

  127.  #127Siena on May 15, 2010 at 11:08 am

    HI AJ,

    Bob Grant has really good guidelines for making a list of what you want in a man. I don’t have his requirements in front of me, but here’s what I remember:

    1) Start by taking 10 minutes to write free form about all the things you want in a man/from a relationship. What does he look like, what does he do, how old is he, what are his habits? How do you feel with him… etc. etc. etc.. Don’t stop writing before the 10 minutes are up.

    2) Choose the top-3 items on your list that are must-haves. It doesn’t matter what these are. If one of your top-3 requirements is that he be a millionaire, then you only date millionaires. That’s OK, because it’s your requirement. If your list doesn’t include an age requirement, then you might date 75 year old millionaires, and be OK with it. The important thing is that you know what you can accept and not accept in a man.

    3) Go out with any man that you meet that has these top-3 qualities.

    I did this exercise, and I came away with these top-3:

    1) He has to be taller than I am
    2) I have to feel proud of him
    3) He has to love me

    So basically, what this means for me is that I go out with anyone who is taller than I. I can’t discover whether #2 or #3 are true until I actually spend some time with them.

    So if MY sister asked me the same question as yours did, I would really only communicate 1 requirement, which is – that he is taller than I am.

    That’s not so bad! I feel it’s important to have some type of list, just so I know when I am being given the things I have asked for, so that I can remember to express gratitude and feel well-taken care of.

  128.  #128Lucy on May 15, 2010 at 11:18 am

    Tallgirl, when I read the story of your date, the part where everyone was looking at that other woman dancing jumped out at me as a SHIFT moment — like maybe at that moment your VIBE shifted because of jealousy or insecurity or annoyance or anger or whatever you might have felt (I know *I* would have felt ALL of those things!) — and if your vibe shifted like that, your guy would have sensed a subtle change in you that may have confused him a bit. Like, maybe you put up a little wall or something unconsciously. Then when it came time for the kiss goodbye, he may have really been unsure where YOU stood.

    Soooooo….I’m thinking maybe it was a truth-telling moment, just like when (which siren was it? Jeannette?) was bothered by the “my son comes first” comment. A moment when you could share with him how you felt about the other woman there. (Yeah, I know! VERY vulnerable!!)

  129.  #129Lucy on May 15, 2010 at 11:19 am

    Mary, I would feel great hearing any tips you want to share from Evan’s book! 🙂

  130.  #130Ankita on May 15, 2010 at 12:09 pm

    Hello everyone,

    I recently registered for a tele seminar and got great recordings on topics like relationships, our voices, leadership, empowerment, sensuality, spirituality, etc. (There are total 16 topics..)

    I’ll be glad to share it all with you…. 🙂
    If any of you want it, plz let me know…!!

  131.  #131Lucy on May 15, 2010 at 12:12 pm

    Okay, this has nothing to do with dating, but I am going to vent here.

    I was involved in a discussion about forgiveness on an author’s facebook page and it has turned into people ATTACKING me for my viewpoint AND for the way I am expressing it!

    I feel furious.

    I feel very angry.

    I feel attacked. (okay, not really a feeling). I feel tightness in my chest, adrenaline in my arms, sucking in my breath, baring my teeth, tense face, agitated in my whole body.

    I feel like smashing their faces in.

    I feel like calling them names that feel TRUE to me, like idiot.

    I feel like telling them they are contradicting themselves and contradicting the facts that are right there in black and white and being illogical but I won’t tell them that because that would sorta be attacking them back and I don’t want to stoop to their level.

    Okay, apparently I feel superior to them. Their arguments are completely illogical, and they don’t even see that (I won’t point it out to them cuz I don’t want to fight!)

    I feel like they are not intelligent, but they think they are.

    I feel judgmental.

    I feel sad that they believe the things they are saying — about me, about forgiveness, and about people who forgive.

    I feel sad and angry.

    How dare they!!!

    How dare they judge people who forgive!!!!

    I feel curious about why this is happening with me.

    I had a dream last night where I was angry, too!

    In my dream, I broke my ex-mother-in-law’s antique chair — I threw it because I was so mad.

    In my dream, family members were criticizing me and the (innocent) things I was doing.

    In my dream, I was also feeling suddenly sad and mad about my kids’ dad not being there for them for the past 10 years.

    When I woke up, I almost cried, and I wanted to cry, but I couldn’t. I haven’t cried in months, and I feel like I need to cry. I feel like there is something like a dam inside me holding back the crying and it’s building up behind the dam.

    Yesterday my son emailed me from Prague saying that he had a ton of money stolen from his wallet while he was performing with his college choir.

    He said he felt like crying and just wanted to come home.

    I emailed him back and said, “It’s okay to cry. Maybe it will help you let go and move on.”

    I feel scared. Another email from that facebook thread just popped up in my inbox. My last comment on there was a genuine non-blaming feeling statement, and a “wish you well” to the woman who attacked me. I feel afraid she’s gonna say my feeling statement was “passive-aggressive.” That’s what she accused me of three times already. I *think* she might be projecting or something.

    I feel anxious.

    Why is she doing this to me?

    Why am I letting her do this to me?


    I feel so confused! and scared. and almost ready to cry.

    I want to cry.

  132.  #132Ankita on May 15, 2010 at 12:15 pm

    Hello Siena

    I did make my list… But it was more than 3… Will it do????

    1) Has to be taller than me, including heels…
    2) We should complement each other…
    3) Should love me very much…
    4) Should be in technical field…
    5) Should be little different than me.. SO that we fight and make up too…

  133.  #133Ankita on May 15, 2010 at 12:17 pm

    I feel a little guilty sometimes….
    As am only attracted to guys who are in technical fields…
    I love to date engineers only….

  134.  #134Siena on May 15, 2010 at 12:18 pm

    Ankita, I think that’s great! Keep in mind that your list can change as you meet and date different men… You might just find that you fall in love with a teacher or an attorney, and the “technical” thing won’t matter… but it’s your list, and I think it’s great!

  135.  #135Siena on May 15, 2010 at 12:19 pm

    Lucy, I’m gonna ask what you always ask me – is there anything in your past that this reminds you of? Did you feel this way in the past when you were younger or less in touch with your feelings? Hugs to you!

  136.  #136Turtle Girl on May 15, 2010 at 12:29 pm


    I can totally relate to how you feel. I have lived in small towns. I know what that is like. It can be awful, but your life is up to you not matter what.

    I don’t mean to sound harsh-but lawyers do lie for a living. I am not saying this guys lies, but from everything you wrote he is not into you. You can not “not think about him”. Don’t even try. I still think about ex toxic man ALL THE FUCKING TIME. I just don’t contact him any more. Time does help. And no contact. I saw him a couple months ago and then called him. BIG mistake. I have to stay away, leaning forward to him is like punishing myself. This guy does not sound good for you. You sound like I did-want him to act and be different because of the way you feel. Sure-would be nice-but is not reality. I hope you can stay away regardless. It does get better little by little. I have work, like you do and sometimes at work I still think of him, I just keep working and keep doing my thing. I only hope with time I can get over him and realize that he was terrible for me. Not what I want. Not good. He did not care. If he gave a shit he would be calling me now. But he does not.

  137.  #137Siena on May 15, 2010 at 12:30 pm

    …and I should probably add – since circular dating is about therapy, you don’t really need your list while you are doing it.

    I went out with 2 guys who were my same height (so therefore didn’t meet my height requirement) and received messages from them.

    But I did it knowing that I wouldn’t be attracted to them, which feels good at a certain point in CD. Sometimes practicing these tools on men who I am attracted to feels really scary, and I feel way out of my league. So CDing shorter men was a way for me to still practice the tools knowing that it would be less scary for me.

  138.  #138Rachel on May 15, 2010 at 1:33 pm

    Turtle Girl,

    It feels so good for me to hear you say that you still think about ex toxic man all the time. I feel like it will never stop. My guy is still in the center of so much of my thinking… even when I’m CD-ing, even when I’m having fun with my kids, even when I’m working on creating my own beautiful, fabulous, amazing life that is supposed to make me forget him!

    I wonder sometimes if it will ever end… or if I will always carry him with me. It is a little better over time. It doesn’t hurt quite as much. But I still love him and the memories are such a part of me – both the good ones and the painful ones.

    Thank you for letting me know that I’m not alone with this.

  139.  #139Ankita on May 15, 2010 at 1:37 pm


    I have noticed one thing…
    I only like guys who are successful, are good natured, have their act together, know what they want and what they are doing….

    On the other hand, I dismiss the guys as soon as I see that they don’t know where they are headed, have no such driving force in life, are free 24*7, are texting always, are complaining and whining types, like saying you don’t talk to me enough now or you forgot me…, etc.

    Is all this ok??? I mean am I on healthy side???

  140.  #140Velvetine on May 15, 2010 at 1:41 pm

    I felt moved to say hello and want to give you a big hug. This sounds so difficult for you.

    I am a sexual health advisor and I know there is so much stigma around some STIs even when some of the viruses that tend to say in peoples’ bodies are really common and more people have them than you would imagine. In the UK we call them infections (STIs) as calling it a disease (STD) is not accurate and makes it sound so awful.

    I’m not sure what infection you have so I can’t give specific information. Obviously some infections (like HIV) are really serious but manageable. And people with HIV can and do find love. But other viruses that cause herpes or genital warts for example are really not the life sentence that people imagine. Get accurate and reliable information about your infection – remember there is lots of rubbish on the net so don’t believe everything. There are also good helplines about to get information about having a safe sex life and talking to a partner.

    I talk to people with all kinds of STIs every day and so many of them are in loving (and sexual) relationships.


  141.  #141Lucy on May 15, 2010 at 1:57 pm

    Thanks, Siena. Yes, it reminds me of much of my childhood. And even my adulthood when certain members of my family are around.

    I was always the scapegoat. I was blamed for everything that ever went wrong in my family. Still am. But up until recently, I actually BELIEVED it when I was blamed! Automatically. And so I always felt shame — that there was something inherently wrong with me that I was causing so much trouble for everyone.

    It was only a few months ago that Getting Closer Man helped me heal from this. Since then, I have been refusing to take the blame when people try to use me as the scapegoat. But they keep trying because I allowed it for so long!

    It’s like this woman on facebook somehow got the memo that I am the one she should use as a scapegoat. I don’t even know her! She doesn’t even know me!

    It seems like it’s a test for me. Like, is it really truly completely healed?

    Seems it must not be, because this woman is really hurting me.

    My chest feels like an iron fist is squeezing my heart. I feel like I could have a heart attack!!

    She’s still going at it. I don’t know how to stop it. I feel helpless.

    Familiar feeling from my family of origin.


    I feel so sad.

    I feel angry.

    I am NOT your scapegoat, lady!!!!!!

  142.  #142Tina on May 15, 2010 at 2:06 pm

    I’m going four wheeling and fishing with truckman woohoo! he called last night to say he couldnt make it, which turns out im glad about, i didnt feel like seeing him either so yeah worked out great. We talked and I said I didnt feel like sitting around watching him check his email, we talked a little more about living in the same space ugh! i dunno. He bought matching fishing rods 🙂 gawd. he is spending the night here, this is like his third time lol mostly because I dont ask him and I dont want him in my space most of the time. I like my solitude and peace and fighting in my head about my life. I said I wasnt packing up my coffee pot to live together anytime soon, like in the next week or so. He wants to start building asap ugh! pressure , pressure. We do have lots of fun together, I like that 🙂

  143.  #143Turtle Girl on May 15, 2010 at 2:45 pm

    I think about my ex toxic man so much that it drives me crazy. The problem I have had to face about it is that I am still in love with him. I am. So-there it is.

    And until I can not be in love with him, I will not have Mr. Right show up. I just CD anyway, work and get on with my life. I look for the messages with men, I use my last CD guy to be truthful (my earlier post) and I feel I am healing from my man problems. That I guess is the point. When I am finally healed, maybe the right guy will show up.

    The thing that sucks soooooo bad about Mr. ex is that he wasn’t 100% toxic. There were many things that he did right and those were what I loved. However, I beleive that Rori hit the big ole nail on the head when she say that is does not matter who he is or how great or how talented or smart or any thing else-it is just how do we FEEL when we are with him? Well, a lot of the time I felt awkward, anxious, unloved, unimportant, used, abused and not respected. So why would that kind of man be for me?

    The biggest problem I have today in CD’ing is that the guys who are really nice and sweet and good and I know would be a good man are either ugly, boring, or I am not at all sexually attracted to them.
    I hear of sorts of things all over about how we women should give give these guys a chance, but I have to ell you, I have tried-it just does not work for me. I wish it did. Although the good looking jerks are holding less of an attraction for me, the not so good looking good guys just don’t. And it is not about a certain type of looks-he just has to look good to me. My ex guy was not have good looking to a lot of women, but to me, he was smoking hot. I was so attracted to him, it became an obsession. He was my drug. It was awful to be that into a man. And yet, I want the next one the one that is Mr. Right to be just that attractive to me.
    I was so in love with my ex I am afraid I will never again feel that way about another man in my life. The reason I say that? I have never been in love like that before. He was it. I have been married, had lots of relationships with men-some who loved me and wanted to marry, many who would have been devoted to me, and yet I did not care about them—but my ex toxic guy was freaking it. And I often feel I fucked it up. Even though I KNOW logically he was an asshole. I feel like I ruined it. I was the one who got angry because I blew up. I kept my feelings inside and did not express them because I did not know how to. Then I blew. Even though I left and then he left and then I left and then it was over—-
    I miss him to this day. I grieve him and wish to God I had done it differently. But even after saying all that-had I expressed my feelings good, bad or indifferent I know it would not have mattered to him. He could not handle it-he was a boy, a nasty boy at that. So it would have ended anyway.
    I am sorry this is so long-these things with men called our feelings are complex, illogical and convoluted sometimes at best. We women are funny creatures don’t ya think? xxxooooo

  144.  #144tallgirl10 on May 15, 2010 at 2:53 pm


    My vibe did change, but remember, we were just watching a concert next to each other, not really conversing. I backed up a little actually “lean back” and see if he would notice. He stayed watching the girl and the concert.

    It would have been leaning forward to try to attract his attention at that point.

    I think if he contacts me, I will make myself vulnerable, but doing it out of context is too much for two dates.

    And the honesty is about the feeling confused by the mixed messages, not feeling icky about the woman. I think he would deny that anyhow.

    I guess like: Thanks so much for reaching out to me. I feel a little confused about what happened the other night. From my perspective, one minute I was feeling very fun loving and free as we were sitting next to each other, and the next minute I was feeling strange because our kiss seemed out of place and there was a shift. What do you think?

  145.  #145saskia on May 15, 2010 at 3:15 pm


    I so understand what you are feeling, I am in the same position. Although my ex toxic man have only recently split up, I know that I will never really get over him. He had an effect on me that no other man has ever come close to. And although I felt bad a lot of the time in this relationship, I also often enough felt really appreciated and loved. And these are the moments that I make count more, this is why I can’t just get him out of my mind. I want more of that. From him. I am dreading a life without him, it feels just wrong. I refuse to believe it is really over and part of me really doesn’t think it is, but another voice tells me to get on that horse… So I do, but still looking backwards!

  146.  #146Apple Jacks on May 15, 2010 at 3:18 pm

    Thank you Ankita and Siena! My sis found me quite a guy on paper. He’s British/Indian, he lives in San Francisco but moving to Boston in the fall because he’ll going to MIT business school, he’s 34 (good age for me)…like I said great on paper! I honestly don’t necessarily about all the MIT stuff, but he sounds very smart which is a plus. She’s going to have him e-mail me….you guys can bet on me running back here before I reply to him because I don’t have Rori’s programs yet!

  147.  #147Lucy on May 15, 2010 at 3:22 pm

    I think I need to learn how to walk away when I am feeling attacked.

    When people falsely accuse me I have to somehow be able to let it be without defending myself.

    Even though that feels like being a doormat. 🙁

    Can I make myself just walk away when people are throwing nasty words at me?

    It’s almost like I feel that if I don’t stand up for myself, then what they are saying about me will not be negated . . . the words they say will just go out into the universe and hang there, with no one saying, “No, that’s not true about Lucy”…..

    And it’s almost like if the words are not resisted…..

    they will be true. 🙁

    Maybe *I* will believe the bad things they say about me if I don’t verbally denounce them.

    The words are like bubbles that will float in the air as truth if I don’t pop them with words of my own.

  148.  #148Rachel on May 15, 2010 at 3:24 pm

    Turtle Girl… I SOOO understand every word you wrote! Remembering the good times drive mes crazy, but like you said, there was always an underlying current of unease, insecurity, etc.

    I have never loved anyone like I love(d) him. And it scares me that I never will. But I am trying to focus on the way I want to feel with a man. I don’t expect it to be perfect, but I feel that it will flow and I will feel cherished, pursued, special … even on the hard days! I’m working to hold that vision and keep preparing myself to be healthy and strong when we finally meet.

    And YES to being attracted! I don’t want to settle for just a nice guy who treats me well. I want to be “crazy about him!” That is #1 on my list – tied with him being “crazy about me!”

    Dear God… please? Soon?

  149.  #149tinque on May 15, 2010 at 3:37 pm

    Lucy – Actually, acknowledging the untruths give them weight. All you need say is, “this doesn’t feel good” and walk away.
    Responding gives fuel to the fire.
    It’s a shift in your consciousness, and it can be an important one, a hugely liberating one.

  150.  #150Lucy on May 15, 2010 at 4:45 pm

    Thanks, Tinque. I can feel that this is HUGE for me. My kids and I just went out for dinner and I sat there feeling like I was having post-traumatic stress disorder — looking around fearing that this stranger from the internet was gonna pop up at the restaurant and start verbally bashing me again! Wow.

    It is definitely a trigger from my relationship with my sister rooted in childhood. There were so many times when I COULDN’T walk away — like we were riding in the car or something — and she would keep whispering nasty things about me.

    It feels like there is something inside ME (shame, I guess) that absorbs and internalizes what is being said about me if I don’t refute it outwardly.

    Maybe I can visualize it as a dart going into me, and then I can visualize myself pulling the dart out and letting it drop to the ground.

    With the facebook thing, I ended up stopping my part in the back-and-forth on the Wall, and then deleted all of my previous comments…..

    So, the woman messaged me privately on facebook then, and said, “more typical passive aggressive behavior, to run whining an crying when someone won’t drink your kool aid.”

    I responded, telling her that I am disengaging and will no longer respond to her.

    Now I see that there is another message from her (of course). Maybe I shouldn’t even bother reading it; it will probably just upset me. If I do read it, no matter what it says, I WILL NOT respond (God help me please!)

    I so appreciate your insight on this, Tinque, and I feel open to your help in navigating this shift. <3

  151.  #151EarthDancer on May 15, 2010 at 4:50 pm

    oh, Lucy, I would block this woman AT ONCE from any kind of contact on f/b she feels TOXIC TOXIC TOXIC and I don’t want her poisoning you … I feel angry bleh

  152.  #152Turtle Girl on May 15, 2010 at 4:56 pm

    I am really appreciating what you wrote about. You said it is not about men-it is about you feeling attacked over your beliefs. OK. But something is hitting homes with me over this whole topic and Tinque said something too that made sense.

    A lot of the reason I feel I effed up my relationship was that I did a lot of “explaining”. I talked and talked and wrote and talked until I must have worn him and me out. Looking back on it, I used to say I wanted to be understood. And ok-sure we all do.
    But all that defending and explaining about whatever it is makes us look like we are in a less than power position. WE look weak, we look lowered self esteem and it sound terrible. We try and “justify our position”.

    It reminds me of that Shakespeare quote-“Me think you doth protest too much”
    In other words I sounded like a lawyer. What do lawyers do? They try and explain and defend their position because maybe there is some shit really wrong with it, and they need to poke around in all the little details to make it work.

    Then the light bulb came on! Aha! All that wordiness is because I always had to do that as a child to get ANY of my needs met. A simple “this does not feel good” as Tinque said was not in any way ok or valid or powerful or acknowledged when growing up-so explain explain explain blah blah balh, bs bs bs ad infinitum……….whew! Just stop!

    It reminded me of an old boyfriend that used to do this and he drove me insane, because I realized all that talk was him trying to gain a power position because he had no boundaries and no self esteem.

    All of us all allowed to be who we are. Just freaking state your position, your feelings once or maybe repeat the same simple statement once more max and then either be respected or chose to walk. END OF STORY. What a revelation. Only the weak need to explain. Fuck. I want to kick myself. AND I want to love myself for finally getting this. NEVER again.
    I HAVE A RIGHT TO FEEL MY FEELINGS. PERIOD. NO EXPLANATION NEEDED.” This does not feel good.” I love it.

    it’s why I am so proud of myself and what I said to impotent man. I told my truth, maybe a bit wordy, but way short than before and his loss does not feel bad really. I respected myself. He could not give me what I needed. Period. NEXT!!!!!!!

  153.  #153Alicia on May 15, 2010 at 5:03 pm

    Anikita –

    I’m interested in this group.. info.. It sounds like the same thing Rori does.. But sometimes it’s good to have that info layered or repeated from another direction. Is there any more info on it…

  154.  #154Lucy on May 15, 2010 at 5:09 pm

    Earthdancer and Turtle Girl (Tinque too)– Thank you SO much for your support. It feels really good to have that. Oh my gosh, I am finally CRYING! Real tears are coming out of my eyes. It feels SO GOOD to feel supported and understood. Everything you said about childhood, Turtle Girl, is true for me too.

    And it’s true, I have to explain partly in order to convince MYSELF! Because that little girl believed every lie that was said about her, and so now when she hears those lies she has to try to persuade HERSELF that they are not true.

    I read this woman’s latest email, but I WILL NOT respond — and hopefully that will stop her.

    In this email she called me a “whining passive aggressive new age obsessive compulsive forgiver”! And she called me a “twit.” And signed it, *HUG*

    Really? I’m kinda laughing a little now. 🙂

  155.  #155Turtle Girl on May 15, 2010 at 5:10 pm

    I know exactly what you mean. It would be unfair and not morally right if I just settled for a nice guy who treats me well. Unfair to him and me.

    I may care for a man like that to be sure and even have friendly feelings for him, but that is not enough to get a romantic long term relationship off the ground. I wish it were. I would rather be alone than be with a guy like that.

    I hope and pray like you do that please god-when? soon? I am tired on all this waiting and nothing ever happens for me. I feel at times like I am cursed. doomed to a life of aloneness. it’s maddening sometimes. YES-I want to be crazy bout him and him be crazy bout me.

  156.  #156Turtle Girl on May 15, 2010 at 5:14 pm

    YOU TWIT!!!!!! You are a big ole twitter!!!!! How dare you be a twit girl? You forgive people? Oh, how awful!!! What a twit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Neener neener neener, Lucy is a twiter……………lol…………

    Lucy-That woman has issues of her own……what kind of person feels the need to name call and accuse like that? Even IF you were passive agressive-so what? Not saying you were-I don’t know and it does not matter. This DOES get funny after a while-like you said-REALLY? wow……..lol

  157.  #157Lucy on May 15, 2010 at 5:35 pm

    Lol, Turtle Girl.

    I *think* the reason she perceived me as passive-aggressive was because I was actually using genuine, gentle, sincere, non-blaming feeling messages in the convo — and that was probably so foreign and disarming to her that she couldn’t fathom taking my words at face value! I think she thought I MUST have a hidden agenda, cuz nobody could be REALLY that non-blaming and non-judgmental!

    Is that the downside of feeling messages???

    At dinner, we were talking about it, and my teenage son said, “Some people just need someone to attack.”

    Then my daughter, with a mischievous smile, said, “And you appear to be just the person they’re looking for.”

  158.  #158tinque on May 15, 2010 at 5:35 pm

    Lucy – You know what? Anyone worth their salt reading something like this:
    “more typical passive aggressive behavior, to run whining and crying when someone won’t drink your kool aid.”
    would say to themselves, “how childish”.
    You would be the person of strength by not justifying such silly nonsense with a response.
    Is someone like this worth your time?
    Delete and ignore.

  159.  #159Alicia on May 15, 2010 at 5:35 pm


    Seriously.. haha. I’m laughing at the nerve of that women.. And ofcourse.. God probably used ya’ll to trigger eachother.. BUT you SURE DID trigger her.. HOLY COW. haha. Maybe you should feel honored?? Really……. Anything she says to you is a mirror of her own internal thoughts and feelings of herself.. Otherwise it would be no biggie.. Most people can see both sides and appreciate peoples different perspectives.. And this cleary isn’t the case for her.
    AND honestly.. I would stomp thru your fear.. and continue to share your opinion in the future..

    My last response would be.. Oh goodness, I feel personally attacked and I don’t even know you or you me, clearly this isn’t really all about me sharing my own feelings on the author. There is no need for you to directly email me your opinion. And I will not further engage in this. But, I’ll be praying for you.. 😉 God Bless! (haha..) and p.s. – Thankyou!!! Becuase today was the perfect day for me to set some boundries.. So Glad God used you.. you served a purpose for me. Good luck out there..

    Tehee.. I’m being a little tonugue and cheek.. as well as serious..

    Lucy, Maybe this is a great way to set boundries.. That memory of your sis probably needs some forgiveness. And it’s being triggered for a reason so now take the Adult you to what you couldn’t do as a kid and stand up, draw a line in the sand teach people how to treat you, and it’s scary to speak up sometimes for yourself.. (great practice baby step for the bigger things later 😉 but, fear not… keep sharing your opinion being wonderful you! And just be firm and true and kill her with unconditional love..

    Joyce Meyer (pastor) use to say.. that sometimes she would know people would be talking about her behind her back.. And God would lay it on her heart to send them a gift.. And she would be like ohhhh heavens nooooooo.. And finally she would and you know of course… That probably killed them of their own guilt or made them drink their own posion.. I have never none that.. But, I guess that is ultimately how we treat enemies.. In addition to totally healthy way of standing up for you, ofcourse!!

  160.  #160Alicia on May 15, 2010 at 5:57 pm

    Goodness so many different feelings, they are all awesome and to each their own (life lesson).. it’s feels interesting and diverse. We would all have to respond differently depending on where we need to grow.

    Hmmmm what’s the message? For me.. it would be. Not to accept or digest the other persons nasty comments, and to draw the line and disengage. But, I need work on (setting boundries and facing fears)..

    Kinda like..
    Oops I received this by mistake it has your name on it. This must be yours.. So, I sure feel glad I didn’t open it. I feels kinda toxic so I’m going to take myself away from it.. And let it stay with it’s owner. And whew this deep breath and fresh air feel good over here.. now I feel better… Thanks for the lesson! I’m getting better and stronger. Sweet!

    Anyway… thanks for allowing to invision myself there because I need to work on this with my toxic fathers verbal abuse.. So although she upset you, look how it helped others..

  161.  #161Alicia on May 15, 2010 at 6:07 pm

    Speak the TRUTH to Get the Love You Want

    I know these scary situations sound impossible to tell the Truth in without putting up walls and pretending to feel stronger than you do at the moment…but that’s part of the truth-telling.

    ***** Funny how it landed under this topic.. ********

  162.  #162Alicia on May 15, 2010 at 6:21 pm

    Lucy – Ummm check out what I just recieved in my email from Higher Awareness.. Talk about divine order..

    “A critic is a legless man who teaches running.”

    — Channing Pollock

    We need to know that this does not necessarily speak for who we really are. This is an old pattern that may no longer be serving us. We want to open to the possibility that the words are not likely true. We can ask ourselves, “Are these words helpful?”

    Are you aware of your inner critic? We all have this voice that tells us we are bad, stupid, clumsy, cowardly…. Although its intent is to help us succeed, the harsh self talk of our critic just serves to drain our energy and lower our morale and immune system.

    “Never react emotionally to criticism. Analyze yourself to determine whether it is justified. If it is, correct yourself. Otherwise, go on about your business.”

    — Norman Vincent Peale


    Maybe this thing is something from the past showing up to be cleared or have truth spoken to it. Or have you been critical of yourself lately? And now it’s time to make a list of truths of why you rock.. friendly, loving, smart, funny, pretty, sweet, caring, open, wisdom, brave, siren.. – A

  163.  #163Lucy on May 15, 2010 at 6:32 pm

    That’s great stuff, Alicia. Thanks!

    I’m skipping around the house now. I feel a lot better. Thanks to ALL YOU WONDERFUL SIRENS (plus my smart kids)!!!!

    It feels like an important shift, like Tinque said.

    Now I have a better perspective on this kind of thing, and I have my Darts tool to use next time it happens with someone.

    <3 <3 <3

  164.  #164Jennifer on May 15, 2010 at 7:25 pm

    Well, goddesses. This certainly has been interesting.
    This week I found out that I will be negotiating my own contract with my company.
    They are re-contracting the whole team. Everyone else is getting “boilerplate” contracts. Take em or leave em. Me? I’m negotiationg. Mwahahahahhahaha.
    *rubs hands together*
    The I had a blind date. With J. Who couldn’t call me on his own…his buddy G had to call me. This does not leave a favorable impression. Cause really? I can be a handfull….for real…was born redheadded. If this guy can’t call me..then what the hellllll is he gonna do if I get mad. I went anyway for the practice and cause my money friend set it up. Buddy can’t drive in the town we live in…he’s from the “north country” and the traffic scares him. Jeeeze.
    My friend offered him Hummus and chips as a snack. He’d never had that. Never had escargots or scallops either, but enjoyed them in the restaurant we went to.
    I had to do all the talking….which I tried NOT to do but we only sat staring at each other for long periods of time. Fan-tastic.
    We ( me, J, money friend, G and I ) all went out to the local watering hole afterwards…..home by 1230..no biggie…but then J wanders into the guest room where Im sleeping instead of the rec room where he’s supposed to be on the couch. Like really?
    G swears he was confused cause he was drunk and he slept in the guest room last time he was down but i’m like Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwww………………..\
    GO AWAY!!!!
    So, what did Iearn? I would NOT like to be with men who can’t talk. I want to be with men with a little more sophistication under thier belts.
    I want to be with men who can hold thier liquor if the situation calls for it.
    I feel like maybe I’m just a bit too picky..but then I remember B…and the fact that I don’t have the time or the patience for a “project man”.
    Speaking of men………..and yes I was LOL!
    Major man was at the local watering hole. With some other woman in a group of people. WOW….she was horrible.
    Again..I may get my fingers slapped for being judgemental but holy crap!
    She was loud and foul mouthed and badly dressed and nasty!
    He saw me across the bar and looked a little panicked….like he was worried I was gonna make a scene…but I just gave him the rock star wink and let him gaze adoringly at my cleavage as I leaned over the bar to get a drink.
    Did he ever looked relieved. I feel like a bit of a rockstar but I also feel like “really? Don’t worry that I’m gonn make a fuss over you, son. I’m busy over here shakin my booty on this dance floor…and laughing my ass off with my friends. Relax”

  165.  #165Jennifer on May 15, 2010 at 7:27 pm

    oh, and I’m still abit hung over so my spelling and grammar are not great. Sorry girls.

  166.  #166Ankita on May 15, 2010 at 8:26 pm


    Are you asking about the tele seminar I talked about??

    Its total 16 topics are
    Awakening, empowerment, spirituality, sensuality, leadership, relationships, our voice, fulfillment, entrepreneurship, healthy pleasure, inter generational wisdom, manifestation, media & arts, power, vision & values, and serving the world…

    The people who speak int his tele seminar are Marianne Williamson, Daphne Rose Kingma, Margaret Wheatley, Marcia Wieder, Michelle Price, Rita Lustgarten , Monica Sharma, and many more other women…

    Some discuss one topic, other are interviewed on another topic, and so on…

  167.  #167Daria on May 15, 2010 at 8:28 pm

    Ankita I would like the seminar! thank you!

  168.  #168Apple Jacks on May 15, 2010 at 8:31 pm

    Ankita, is there a site for the tele seminar? I would love to see it too. Thanks.

  169.  #169Alicia on May 16, 2010 at 12:15 am

    OMG… haha.. 🙂 I don’t know how I ended up landing on this video… But it the CUTEST SWEETEST Law of Attraction Love video —


    DISNEY LOVE – Check it out.. 😉

  170.  #170Ankita on May 16, 2010 at 12:53 am

    Apple Jacks

    There’s no such particular site… But there are some certain coach who regularly keep organizing tele seminar and things like this… Coaches like Deanna Lorraine.. But she doesn’t keeps the recording for download later on, so you gotta hear her stuff on her site only at the given call-in number….

    The stuff I mentioned above is from the site

    As for now Apple jacks, you can send me your email id here so that I can send you the recordings… or you can email me at ankita_sinha61@yahoo.com

  171.  #171Ankita on May 16, 2010 at 12:57 am

    Apple Jacks

    There’s no such particular site… But there are some certain coach who regularly keep organizing tele seminar and things like this… Coaches like Deanna Lorraine.. But she doesn’t keeps the recording for download later on, so you gotta hear her stuff on her site only at the given call-in number….

    The stuff I mentioned above is from the site

    As for now Apple jacks, you can send me your email id here so that I can send you the recordings… or you can email me at ankita_sinha61@yahoo.com

  172.  #172Lynn on May 16, 2010 at 6:20 am


    Too funny!!!! Sounds like you had a good time anyways. It was fun to read 🙂

  173.  #173dawn on May 16, 2010 at 7:05 am

    The truth
    we cant handle the truth !
    What you seek is within you
    We go to great lengths to put it on someone else
    We let them validate our fears
    We look to them for direction
    All along we’ve had it
    In ourselves
    Our own truth
    Our own way
    Love yourself
    Be your own friend
    Follow your heart
    Live for today
    never give up on yourself
    or your dreams
    do it for you
    The truth we seek is in our own hearts
    Let THEM look after themselves
    Truth is we cant help them
    We cant fix them
    Save yourselves
    Life is too short
    We are too awesome
    to be left behind
    to carry the burden
    of others
    we are Sirens
    we are love
    we are the truth

  174.  #174Turtle Girl on May 16, 2010 at 8:32 am

    Thank you Dawn for that beautiful poem.xxxooo

  175.  #175Turtle Girl on May 16, 2010 at 8:34 am

    Bravo Jennifer for the way you handled yourself!

    My ex was a man who would not talk. Another ex was a man who talked non stop. I don’t like either extreme. I want a guy who talks some and listens some, like I do. You know normal!

  176.  #176dawn on May 16, 2010 at 8:49 am

    Turtle Girl, Ah you are awesome ! We are all awesome and in some way the common ground we share is littered with our own crap. I just want my fellow sirens to know they are never alone, they are dearly loved and blessed .

  177.  #177kismet on May 16, 2010 at 6:08 pm

    If I wasn’t pregnant right now, I would start circular dating so I wouldn’t be so caught up with my boyfriend, so I wouldn’t be jealous. But I can’t because I’m going to be a mother and possibly married.

    But I am joking with my guy friends to get my mind off him and have fun and know that I have options.

  178.  #178EarthDancer on May 16, 2010 at 6:15 pm


    Rori says to NOT STOP circular dating, even when you are married! Not actually going out on dates, but talking to men, receiving their energy and making them feel good to be around you because of your appreciation! She says she STILL CD’s … in a respectable way, of course 🙂

    CD’ing even when you are in a relationship keeps you from being jealous because you are concentrating on YOU – not on him *hugs*

  179.  #179EarthDancer on May 16, 2010 at 6:16 pm

    Dawn, I LOVE this: We are all awesome and in some way the common ground we share is littered with our own crap. THAT IS CLASSIC 🙂

    I just want my fellow sirens to know they are never alone, they are dearly loved and blessed . DITTO *hugs* to all 😉

  180.  #180kismet on May 16, 2010 at 6:56 pm

    yea I agree and I really feel the need to! Even just joking and chatting with my guy friends. I need to regain my strength and goddess-like feeling I always feel about myself!

  181.  #181Stacy on May 16, 2010 at 6:59 pm

    I’m very confused, can someone help? How do you lean back AND be honest about your feelings? Leaning back sounds like withholding and hiding to me. If I love a man, shouldn’t I be calling him, emailing him, smiling when I see him, supporting him, anticipating his needs, telling him how I feel about him? How can I do that and lean back, too?

  182.  #182TW on May 17, 2010 at 6:28 am

    Hello everyone.. I have not post in a while but whew… A lot has gone on with me. I am trying to catch up with post right now and will get back to mine later but I have one question first. Is it okay to email your feelings to a guy as she did? I am curious because my truth is I want to get it all out. We text back and forth but that is too much to text you know and I do have his email address and could write what I want to say and post it here for you all to read and tweak. What do you think?

  183.  #183Gizelle on May 17, 2010 at 9:21 am


    Thanks for responding…it’s not terminal. I have been to the doctor about it. Oh Rori, I feel like the air has been sucked out of me. I don’t understand his reaction. I mean, even as I was trying to explain myself , he was supportive. He listened. He was even online speaking searching the disease while we were on the phone. He said he was trying to “fix his baby”. Then he texts me the next day and says he wants to just be friends and he’s not comfortable being with me physically. I’ve crying all weekend. I feel like an emotional wreck right now. I just want him to talk to me. He left me with ” I don’t know what to say to you”-this was a friend from since high school. He tells me, “this is not like my friend Zena who told me this…i was talking to you about having kids.” I’m so confused at his reaction and coldness. He is in the middle of a divorce and his wife has moved on with her life and man and he was trying to do the same…He just wants to get the divorce over with asap. We’ve been praying and reading the bible together. I’ve been emotionally supportive. I even asked him if he was ready for another relationship. He told me he was. He told me he would cry at night because he was frustrated that the divorce was taking so long and I was everything he wanted but I was so far away…(he’s in SC, I’m in GA) He told me some very deep secrets about his past and how he felt and when I tell him the one darkest secret I have he rejects me. It hurts so bad. I guess I can’t have him back. It so hard moving on…I just want to get through this. I’m allowing myself to feel my emotions and really get in touch with them, but I don’t want to sink into depression. What do I do?

  184.  #184Gizelle on May 17, 2010 at 9:25 am

    Thank you Valentine…I appreciate your kind words. A hug and kiss for you as well… : )

  185.  #185Gizelle on May 17, 2010 at 9:33 am

    Thank you Mary for responding,

    I’m trying to wrap my head around the whole situation. I don’t understand the coldness. My mom says your condition is this ()…and you are this ( ).
    If he can’t see past that little part of you to the wonder, sweet, loving person you are then he never loved you to begin with…I’m just so hurt with how he’s treating me right now….he won’t return my calls, texts…I feel horrible…I want to just get over it all…I don’t know what I can do to quickly move on…

  186.  #186Rori Raye on May 17, 2010 at 1:12 pm

    Hi, Stacy – Welcome, and Leaning Back has to do with energy and effort. Opening your heart is an INVITING thing to do – it’s leaning back…make sense? We’ll all help you here, and suggest programs for you…start with the ebook, of course… Love, Rori

  187.  #187TW on May 17, 2010 at 1:41 pm


    Do not feel bad at all. I have been on this site for a while and I am still confused in certain situations.

  188.  #188Gizelle on May 17, 2010 at 4:36 pm

    You know what ladies….we had a very nasty spat not too long ago and he said some very unnecessary hurtful things…I’d rather not repeat them for sense of decency. But I’m glad this has happened because I DO NOT want to be with a man like that!

  189.  #189Gizelle on May 17, 2010 at 4:37 pm

    He ended our conversation with …i need to stop texting him because I’m making his skin itch!

  190.  #190Daria on May 17, 2010 at 9:03 pm

    Gizelle –

    wow! that would feel bad to hear. Ufff… I feel like hugging you.

  191.  #191Stacy on May 18, 2010 at 12:32 am

    I have the e-book and I understand the part about not criticizing or trying to drive the relationship.

    I am single now. I hate it. A few years back I dated a guy for two months and he started to get critical for reasons I could not understand. Then he said I was too guarded, and felt I was holding back, and asked what I wanted. I said I wanted an exclusive relationship with him because I really liked him — he asked! He was horrified. He not only cut me off and went for another girl, but when I got angry when he did that, he said he had NO IDEA I felt that way for him.

    I am still utterly dumbfounded by the experience.

  192.  #192TW on May 18, 2010 at 10:29 am

    Hello ladies-

    I am still trying to go through all of the post but some of you remember from years ago that I FINALLY broke up with my ex because of his distance and hot and cold nature and then I found out there was someone else but long story short, I met this guy a month or two afterwards and he is everything that I can ever want. He was so passionate int he beginning but lately has grown so distant. We rarely see each other but when he does contact me through text or whatever it may be he is “baby” this and “beautiful” that and I have discussed my past relationship with him because I was really hurt and he saw that in me in the beginning but my truth is ” Some days I feel like I am reliving my past relationship with a new person” How do I convey that to him or do I even convey that to him. The truth is just that.. the truth.,

  193.  #193Brenda on May 18, 2010 at 2:44 pm

    EarthDancer, RE: #86 – You said, “P.S. Brenda, from the previous thread re: weird online names: I got a text from toplesslover57 today – and his only question to me was if I would ride in his convertible topless ick!”

    Ewww! Gross! I am so sick of that kind of man! They are not looking for romance. They are looking for self-centered sex. Some of these idiots that get on single sites are so clueless as to how to treat a woman.

  194.  #194EarthDancer on May 18, 2010 at 3:18 pm

    Brenda; I LOVE your new pic and I feel happy to see one of YOU without R!! *hugs*

    I know how it feels to be in that dark place; just know you are loved & cared for here on Siren Island 🙂 and keep practicing the Rori tools. It DOES get better (even tho I know how empty it feels to read those words)…

    Yeah, I blocked that guy as fast as my little fingers would go 🙂 I have already put in my profile I am not looking for a sex hookup but I guess I looked so beautiful he could not resist hahahahahhahaha


  195.  #195Brenda on May 18, 2010 at 3:21 pm

    EarthDancer, thank you very much for all your warm comments. It means a lot.

  196.  #196T.R. on May 25, 2010 at 2:16 pm

    Rori and Sirens,

    This is a great post. I have not posted for a few months. This post is in perfect time, as usual. I have been in a relationship for four months, with a man I had known previously for about a year. He is a giver, in every way possible. He listens, takes care of me and does for me all the time. He has hinted at moving in together, and I told him that I want a family and I do not plan on being a live in girlfriend. Just last night he told me he is thinking of taking a job that would have him out of town for two weeks out of each month. Today, I am trying to figure out how to speak my truth. I don’t feel like being exclusive with someone who is gone half of the time. I don’t feel like closing my options off. I feel sad. I feel like if this is something he needs to do for himself, then he is not serious about building our relationship. From statements he has made in the past, I think he is looking at this in a logistical manner, i.e.; he will earn enough money to help me financially and support me financially in the future. From my point of view, I have no ring, and I am not ready to consider that at this time, therefore, if he took this job, it would be great for him financially, but not for me emotionally. I am going to increase circular dating again, but how do I speak the truth of my feelings about this job to him?

  197.  #197Goddess Apriluv on June 7, 2010 at 9:10 am

    Dear Goddesses!

    Good news! I have been dating a wonderful man for the past 4 months. Right from the beginning, I shared with him my dreams. I expressed I didn’t want to be a girlfriend and I was dating to become someones wife. Opening my heart and sharing my dreams and want I wanted in a relationship from the beginning without feeling I had to wait to see where the relationship is going made all the difference. I practice Rori Raye’s “Leaning Back,” and then let him do all the work. Yes, he pursued me, called me, asked me out on dates, made all the plans, did all that is necessary in the “dance.” We continued our dance in the “relationship bubble.” I refrained from becoming sexuallly intimate and I expressed using my “speech” how sexually intimacy can wait until we both feel secure and know where our relationship is going. At one point, he questioned me about how I felt about moving in with him and again, I used another “speech” about how I did not want to be a live in girlfriend and felt comfortable staying in my own apartment; shacking up was not an option. Then one day he came to me with an engagement ring and a proposal for marriage! It was soooo much easier to get what I wanted using Rori’s tools I have been practicing from “How to Reconnect Your Relationship” and “Modern Siren.” Yes, I must continue to use the tools as we move forward!

    It was just last January that I was on the floor crying because of a break up I had had with a man who I had moved in with. I had to suddently leave because I realized moving in with him while he was stalling was not in my best interest and made me feel “yucky.” Yes, I had to stand up for what was best for me which was to leave. I used Rori’s rule not to beat myself up and focus on myself! And suddenly fabulous men were coming at me. I began circuit dating! Yes, I dated just to be dating and then he came! Yes, Keven came into my life and took no time to claim me with an engagement ring and marriage proposal. We have set the date for October 10, 2010 (10-10-10).

    In the meantime, I will continue using Rori’s tools to deepen our intimacy and our love. When I find myself falling back into my bad habits of leaning forward, I stop myself! I just STOP! I stop talking, calling, planning, directing and focus on myself; making myself beautiful, calm while focusing on my personal dreams. OMGOODNESS! I even use Rori’s tools in my professional life as an educator! “Learning Back” has made me feel smart, strong, confident and CALM! Yes, “Leaning Back” can also make some people feel uncomfortable if the intent for communication is negative. Yes, it shifts your vibe and repells negative energy! I could go on and on but for now . . . . . I will continue to transform my personal and professional life while practicing and implementing Rori’s tools each day!

    Love from:

    One Goddess to all Goddesses!

  198.  #198Sabina on August 12, 2010 at 6:07 pm

    Hello Rori, I want to start by first telling you how much I’ve enjoyed your wisdom on how to deal with me from a female perspective. It’s helped in greatly in trying to get out of the horrible funk that I’m in with a guy whom I really love but I still need your help in knowing how to communicate my sadness.

    I’ve been dating a guy who regularly tells me he’s crazy about me for the past two years. We’ve had our ups and downs but overall, we’ve done well and love each other deeply (my first in-love relationship and I’m 42). I’ve helped him overcome so many rigidities and walls he has put up in life to protect himself. He often tells me how much he loves me and that he’s never loved any other woman to this extent.

    My problem is with his intense avoidance of the “C” (commitment) word! I’ve brought up the topics using so many techniques, attackingly, unattackingly, using ultimatums, openly, indirectly, hinting, keeping myself busy and not including him in things that I do and engage in, keeping a msytery about me and what I do when we’re not together in the day, letting him call me most of the time, etc.. and to date, NOTHING has worked! As a result, I’m totally confused on what he truely wants from this relationship. Does he want me to stay or leave? He tells me he definitely wants me in his life but that he needs more time (indefinitely) to feel comfortable and ready. When prompted what would make him comfortable in the relationship, he’s told me it is when he feels more confident in our communication (which has been going very well lately) and for him to know I’m fully committed and exclusive with him. This is a bit confusing for me as it is contrary to the Circular Dating advice you’ve given. So how do you suggest I should handle this with him?

    The second question I had for you was related to communication, openness and speaking my truth. In the Communication blog, you advise being open and speak from the heart and not exclude him from any deep sadness and profound disappointment. I feel the Committment subject has become a huge area of resentment and hurt for me that which I can’t seem to be able to internally resolve.

    I feel he already knows my position on the topic area (I told him a year ago that I was ready for the next step) and by bringing it up any more than I have, it would only frustrate him more and put him on the defense and push him away.

    So how can I still be open and speak my truth about me wanting a deeper connection from a relationship without making him feel he’s backed into a corner??

    I thank you for you advice in advance as the topic of how to handle my seeminly complicated situation has completely consumed my life for the past year or so. Please help!

  199.  #199Rori Raye on August 13, 2010 at 8:09 pm

    Sabina – You’re not going to like this. If, after 2 years, he has no interest in marrying you, and that’s what you want – tell him he can’t have you all to himself and Circular Date. Let him get pissed. You can’t go on like this…Love, Rori

  200.  #200Ginni on August 24, 2010 at 12:40 pm

    I am feeling scared, my guy and I are at a cross roads with intimacy, and it has me feeling I’m on the edge of a cliff. We were passionately committed and perfectly matched with attraction, hopes and future. He has some trust issues with woman and I felt that consistency and love would deminish them eventually. Well I began overfunctioning as always, and i feel him slipping away. I back up physically and have continued to emotionally and he usually steps up. But we had a fight and I provoked it by feeling resentful and presenting an issue to feed his insercurity, and he crushed me emotionally, by stating that everything about our exculsitivey was a lie and our exculisvity is based on our commitment to each as he often says that a girlfriend is nothing to a man unless she is the woman he intends to marry, which we all know is acturate and why I felt so safe and happy with my stud . This happened 6 days ago, I have tried so hard not to intiate any calling , but I texted him nasty things a few times. He texted me Saturday night and I didnt answer. Well Sunday I tried to reach out to him and he didnt answer? I texted again today and said When can we talk? Its been 6 days and I miss u > Dont you miss me or care? He replied right away and said he would get in touch with me later on today? Im feeling so scared? I could use some help, I want to do something, but I know I can’t but I need to be prepared? What if he doen’t call? I know what I want , but somehow I always throw digs in , instead of being vulnerable, I feel scared that all my overfunstioning has made him lose the attraction and if Im vulernable I will be crushed again. My things are at his house and i will need to retrieve them , or he will offer to return them, and It will hurt me so bad. He calls me everyday , wishes me goodnite every nite, we see each other at least 5 times a week , I feel like i’m dying , i am trying to be strong because if he has lost it for me there is nothing I can do but feel the pain and move on, but I really don’t want to put myself in the boat again. I would prepfer to avoid it completely? I feel so scared and after reveiwing this letter I realise that I am assuming he is going to dump me, I feel so scared to think or hope that he will reaasure me and take back the awful things he said , but again I have to just sit and wait it out? And now I’m freaking out what if he doesnt call? HELP PLEASE

    Tuesday, 24 August 2010 @ 12:36pm

  201.  #201Sabina on August 24, 2010 at 1:27 pm

    Ginni…I can’t help identify with your story…is this a capri-aquarius mix? (I know this is off topic but it’d make sense if it was).

    Anyway, I took Rori’s advice above (THANKS RORI!) in a similar situation to yours and instead of the usual ‘panic attacks’ set off by his hurful and abusive break-ups, I decided to take the opposite approach last week. I know you’ll laugh at this but I actually agreed with him on it for a change and told him that I had just realized that I’d been bashing my head against a wall (him) all this time and that I was sick and tired of wasting my time reacting to him ‘wobbling off’ on the relationship every time there we encountered an issue. I told him I refused to be in a relationship where I wasn’t wanted and that I was also sick of being the ONLY one solving the problems alone. I told him HE was the immature one with who lacked skill in dealing with issues and that he had some growing up to do, i.e. HIS job, not mine! He was speechless. He went away ‘to think about it’. I took no action in the meantime and busied myself with other things that interested me. He came back after a couple of days to agree that he was the immature one and that he had been afraid of taking charge as he felt I had been better at it and that he knew it was time he grew up and took charge in the relationship.

    Hope this helps! Do let us know how it turns out for you.
    I’m not sure where my situation will go at this point and frankly, I don’t care as if he doesn’t take charge and do the right thing, it would be HIS loss.

    It sounds like this dude truely cares about otherwise he wouldn’t have been calling you a few times a day. It is him who’s feeling vulnerable with you and retaliates in his passive-aggressive way of dealing with problems by making you feel rejected by him. I’d suggest steering clear of him until he can take responsibility for his own actions!

  202.  #202Ginni on August 24, 2010 at 1:43 pm

    Thank you , that is right and that was my inital reaction exactly, but I didnt get to say it as i just drove off and left him, but that is exactly what i was feeling . That if he doesn”t step up and fix it hes not worth my time and god knows I do not have time to waste as mother nature is moving along the years lol .. but i also feel at fault , he does care for me i know he does , but is he mature enough to follow thru?
    Well I just wish I could figure out how to express my deep emotional feelings for him and the fact that i don’t want to waste my time to him all at the same time? My inital reaction was anger and felt exactly all the things you said to your guy, the problem now is how he reaches out to me and when and will i be angry or just fold? You know what I mean?
    I really appreciate you guys talking to me thank you so much.

  203.  #203Diana on January 5, 2011 at 2:24 pm

    It feels so scary to do this at first.. each time I step out and express my emotions it feels intense and uncomfortable.. almost like its too much.. lettin that guard down and illusion of control feel frightening..letting someone in that much.. wow… but thats what I love about you Rori.. I am challenged to grow and take chances.. It feels much for freeing.. I have a much wider range of emotions and sometimes that pisses me off.. but I feel much more alive.. I like the idea of the truth in baby steps.. the more I practice your programs the harder it is to stay stuffed with feelings.. Thank you

  204.  #204Jessica on January 6, 2011 at 8:21 am

    I don’t know if this is the right place to post being as this is my first time on the website but I had a question about circular dating. I do not have that particular program but I have heard about it. I have been seeing someone for about 5 months and have told him many times that I want to be in a relationship but he says he is not ready. I have even tried to break it off calmly and matter of factly due to that reason but he convinced me to give him more time. He treats me very well (calls daily, spends time, is affectionate and thoughtful) but I still would like to AT LEAST be his girlfriend. He is 23 and I am 27 btw. He tells me all the time that he does not see other women and I never ask him about it (because thats not really my main worry right now). I just want to know that I am his #1 and tell the world that we are together. I would have given up but I REALLY like him and he has been in a 3 yr relationship so I know he can commit. I just started dating another guy as per Rori’s advice but my question is at what point am I leading other guys on? I can go on a few dates but after that the other men expect to at least kiss me or spend more time but I am certainly not comfortable with that. I don’t want to lead these other guys on. What should I do? Go on a few dates then move along ,try to find someone else and do the same thing again?

  205.  #205Rori Raye on January 6, 2011 at 2:24 pm

    Jessica – Circular Dating is crucial. If you can’t afford Targeting Mr. Right – read everything you can and ask the women here to help you. NOT being exclusive is crucial. You have to learn how. Love, Rori

  206.  #206Gayleen on January 23, 2011 at 6:15 pm

    Im confused about when to share my feelings and when to not say anything. I dont want to sound needy by sharing my feelings.
    I have been seeing a guy who lives two hours away for about six months. I drive to him because I have roomates and his house is better to hang out at.
    I am about four hours late showing up right now. I have been sitting here wondering if I should even go because we’ll make plans and then I don’t haer from him for days and I start feeling really distant and wondering why bother? I mean I thought he would have at least called today to see what time I would be there. This is the third time Ive done this. I didnt even call him to tell him I wasnt coming because I didnt know what to say. Dont really understand.

  207.  #207emma on June 10, 2011 at 1:22 am

    I met a man two years ago and we mutually fell hopelessly in love with each other. A year ago we talked about marrying, about children and we started working towards it. He even asked my best friend where he should propose. When she confided in me I felt it was imminent. He hinted about a trip to Paris (which is my favourite city and I was so excited)
    Then he lost his job which he had always hated anyway but partly because of me – my father was ill and I raced home to another country to save the day and after a month he came and joined me to be with me there for quite some time. When we returned home I started a new and well paid job and he started hunting for work. Needless to say this meant I paid for everything in the interim and in all honesty in the three months it took for him to find a job I felt uneasy about being the sole provider as (and I know this sounds old fashioned) I just think men should be the main providers. He secretly got a credit card to ‘have money’ which I assumed when he kept picking up the bill meant he had savings but I have since learnt the truth. Now that he has a job – believe it or not its worse – he hates his job (and i think he has good reason to as they in my opinion work him endlessly and have yet to pay him – but then that’s the country in which we live!) We fight – about all the things I wanted and he never wants to sleep with me anymore. He says its because he’s tired and I try to understand but I hate it. I feel rejected and unwanted. I feel like a traiter writing this but I feel so awful. The last time we spoke about marriage he said marriage isn’t important to him and he’d only marry me to shut me up. I lost it and stormed off and he apologised saying he just couldn’t deal with it and I tried to explain that I was just tired of the situation. I’m still paying for everything and he keeps things secret now – always going outside when he talks on his phone and if I say anything he gets angry. I know he loves me because he’s still affectionate and tells me he loves me but he’s hot and cold and angry all the time and I’m feeling so down because it shouldn’t be like this.
    I honestly don’t know what to do.

  208.  #208Rick on October 10, 2011 at 10:25 am

    I am a man, I saw your site and thought a woman would probably be my best help. So here it goes. I am married
    for 27 years. For the past 10 years my wife and I grew apart. We talked about it, went for counseling and realized we are not in love any more. We live like best friends and roommates. Not like a husband and wife. My wife also over these 10 years has lost interest in sex, she blames it on early menopausal issues. So we decided to divorce. We are both fine in all this. Here is the problem, I met a woman 4 years ago and started a friendship with her that grew into a love relationship between us. Even though it was against both our principles we made love and fell in love. My girlfriend knew all up front,except shethought our divorce would have been faster, which is my fault because I wanted my wife to initiate the process. Before I met this woman four years ago my wife said she wanted a divorce.
    So I waited for her to initiate the process, not knowing I would fall for another woman. The reason for the delay in our divorce was financial, too many things hit all at once.
    You name it it happened, my daughter was going to college, the economy got bad, my investments tanked on me, and job loss. So now I am in the process of my divorce but my girlfriend feels she fell out of love with me. She feels I should have moved it faster for us to be together. Now she tells me that she does not want sex which we have been holding off of any way and says get the divorce and we will see how she feels after this. Now in between all this she has been true to me and I true to her. She mentioned that somebody was interested in courting her and asked me how I felt? I said I am in love with her and her only and asked her not to let anybody in between.
    I want to marry her and have a family with her. So far she has not let anybody in. As per her request, she just wants to see eachother as friends which is what we are doing. We get together play tennis, go to a movie, have dinner etc. Her rule is no intamacy till I am divorced, I agreed. I am in love with her no doubt, I know she loves me no doubt.
    I just wonder can she fall back in love with me? How do I handle this? I don’t want to lose her. How do I keep her without pressuring her? I don’t want to smother her yet I want her to know I am there for her. How do I reassure her of this as I go through the process of divorce. I am finding my relationship with her tougher than the divorce because as a man I don’t know if I am reading her right. I lover so much and she knows it, yet I feel I could lose her if I don’t play my cards right. I hope you can help me. Signed, Rick, A man lost in love as he goes through a divorce.

  209.  #209samantha on October 18, 2011 at 2:44 pm

    Hello Rori and Sirens!
    My name is Samantha. I have been receiving your newsletters for a few months, and stumbled across this blog. I am trying to come up with some “extra” money to buy your program, but haven’t made it that far yet. But I would really appreciate some advice in the meantime, from Rori and/or Sirens. I’m a confident and loving woman and I got into this relationship about 2 years ago. I was dating a few men and this one stuck. It was the best relationship I’ve ever seen let alone been in! After about 6 months, I went through some really crazy hormaonal and psychological stuff. He stayed all the while but we basically stopped communicating, like we didn’t even know each other. And we were living together. My self esteem was so low at this point I was literally begging him to love me and give me attention. I went from confident and independent to the disgusting needy, clingy woman that drive people crazy. Now I am not saying that he did everything right during this time, but that is him and I can only be accountable for me. Anyway, I started to pull myself back together a few months ago or so, esp once I found Rori. I thought I needed to focus on and fix my relationship when really I needed to just work on myself and not be concerned with what he was or wasn’t doing. The stronger I get, the less I do for him or our relationship, the better it gets. And now, I know I would be okay even if he did leave. But I would prefer him not to. I love the man, we have been through a lot and things have been amazing between us (again) since I have been myself. Or maybe because I’m not focused on him it seems better? I don’t know, but I do know that I feel loved, special, safe, and comfortable with him. My question is, we live together, we have a great relationship, we have made it through a huge rough patch…..we have been together 2 years, should I push marriage??? I know living together is a commitment, and I love the way things are with him. And that’s why I want to get married, I want to have this with someone, hopefully him but….forever. I brought it up and told him I “felt the need to know how he felt or thought of marriage” and I instantly felt I said it wrong. He said he doesn’t know. What does that even mean???? That is not a good enough answer for me. But I don’t know if I am rushing things since it has only been back to “normal” for 6 months or less. Help please!

  210.  #210SG on October 18, 2011 at 3:46 pm

    Hi Samantha, I was in a simillar quandry myself, having dated a guy for over a year and me needing to know his long term intentions with me. You said you felt your approach was wrong about asking his long-term intentions for your relationship. Well, I later found out that unless you’re calling him names, or being openly hostile and aggressive, you have said it well enough. As the topic of this forum states, it is very important that you speak your own truth completely and in full and then allow for their response. It may be a real disappointing one or exactly what you were hoping to hear. It doesn’t matter. The important thing for you is to be clear with him about your truth, your hopes, your needs, what makes you happy and what doesn’t make you happy. That is our responsibility and contribution to the relationship. Without it, we’d be living in denial of our own selves and lose the confidence and the positive energy we’ve built up within ourselves to bring into a healthy and happy relationship.
    That is pretty much what I did initially with my bf at the time but I also felt in fear of being rejected for my needs. The energy I put out there wasn’t too clear as I didn’t want him to get upset with me or to pull away. So when I got the response I was hoping not to get, I started back-tracking and downplaying the importance of my needs. I watched myself lose my self-confidence and happy self I was used to being. I was moody, to myself, secretive, and felt I was pretending to be happy around him. I often wondered why I felt I had to be the one pleasing him and forgetting about the importance of my needs.
    Long after buying one of Rori’s programmes and reading the forums on this website, I began realizing that I needed to go back to a place of self-realization and self-empowerment. Without it, I felt weak and needy, traits I didn’t used to have.
    I began working on myself, journalizing each and every day that went by, becoming clearer in my own mind what my needs meant to me and what I was willing to do to be happy and confident again. I decided to tell my bf that while I wanted to know his long term intentions for our relationship and respected his decision on him not knowing what he wants, I was ready to move on and finding the kind of close marriage bond with someone who was like-minded like me.
    He was blown away! I wasn’t trying to shake him up with my statement. I was just being myself, serious about my decision to find happiness for myself as I wasn’t happy with the way things were and I wasn’t going to crucify him for it. We can never have control over other people’s decisions and I certainly didn’t have or want that sort of power, but I definitely had power over whether I wanted to settle for less than what I wanted or not.
    To cut the long story short, while he was blown away by it, it wasn’t enough for him to want to propose to me so I forced myself to start dating other men.
    While I wasn’t too excited about being with anyone else, I had to do it as I was unhappy and unwilling to settle for the alternative which was to stay and feel miserable in being with someone who is doubtful about our future. He no longer had reign or exclusive rights to me and I made that clear.
    I met some really wonderful men who wined and dined me and would would do just about anything to date me. Yes, it was a confidence and morale booster for me. While my ex kept in touch and writing to me, I didn’t reply to his e-mails and the one or two I did, I told him I wasn’t going back to what we used to have.
    After a month or so, I ended up meeting a guy I liked and started dating. He proposed to me on the 3rd date!! We got along quite well though I wasn’t sure if I was quite ready for another serious relationship just then. We hung out alot, had great fun and I got to meet his folks whom I got along with amazingly well. When my then ex found out about this, it was like some lightning bolt had hit his head. He said and did everything in his power to have me back in his life. He admitted to being the most stupidest person to have let me go and not realized what he had until he realized I was being serious with what I had told him.
    I still had strong feelings towards my ex and after a month of ignoring his plea for attention, I decided to break up with my new bf. I told him everything that had happened with my ex from the past, my continuing feelings for my ex and how I felt it was unfair to have him be invested in someone who still had feelings for her ex. He was upset and hurt but thanked me for my honesty and openness. My ex has since proposed to me. It has only been two months that we’ve been seeing each other again. I have told him I’d like to wait until I felt confident in the relationship again before I was in a position of committment to him.
    I hope sharing my experience helps a bit. Let me know how it goes for you!

  211.  #211samantha on October 19, 2011 at 2:29 pm

    Just checkin back, and I put in the wrong email address, so fixin that. Whew, so much readin here, gotta get upp to date. SG thanx for the response. And it definitely does help. More response later, headed out the door. Have a good nite all!

  212.  #212kim on August 31, 2012 at 11:30 pm

    What if you are in love with a woman and you are a woman? Why is it always have to be thein opposite sex

  213.  #213Rori Raye on September 1, 2012 at 9:51 am

    kim – I have many readers and clients who are women in love and in relationship with other women. (And friends who are men in love and in relationship with other men.) The principles of who carries the masculine energy and who primarily carries the feminine energy applies in exactly the same way. One primarily thinks, one primarily feels. My book will work for you perfectly – just substitute pronouns. I focus on male/female relationships because that’s what I know, these are situations and scenarios and a style of life I have huge experience with. There are other coaches in the gay community who are amazing. Love, Rori

  214.  #214Helen on September 4, 2012 at 9:33 am

    is sex important in relationship. does it make the man to fall in love with the girl he likes ? will sex make him to be serious or u dont give it to him at all.

  215.  #215Rori Raye on October 15, 2012 at 9:29 am

    Helen, sex really has very little to do with the formation of a relationship in the beginning. It helps a man get closer to you faster – but if you’re not comfortable with it all (no matter WHAT happens to the relationship) – it’ll only damage things. The thing to do about sex in “dating” is to learn to love it for yourself – to do it for YOU – and forget about what the man thinks or wants, or whatever. If you need to have a committed relationship before you can relax with sex – then make THAT your rule. If sex just feels good to you, and you can do it without getting emotionally attached to a man and hoping he’ll deepen the relationship – then go along with THAT. It’s all in your hands – literally. Love, Rori