Speed Dating Tips For Free Therapy

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Here’s a quick tip for a specific situation.  See if you can use this the next time you go to a party – perhaps your office Holiday party – or anywhere where there are men:

“Hey Rori, I’m going to a speed dating event tomorrow night – Any last minute tips????? I’m really nervous and almost terrified! Love, Annie”

Annie – This is so COOL! I’m so proud of you.

Okay – I don’t want you to burn out on this kind of thing – I want you to find a way to make them really fun, so you keep doing them.

Don’t go early, or mentally devote a lot of time to it. Tell yourself this is an experiment. This is simply a place to practice the Tools you’re learning on a huge pool of men all in one evening. It’s a “time effective” way to do Circular Dating.

Try to catch and stop yourself if you find yourself LOOKING for a good man, or even paying attention to any man who isn’t RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU.

Focus on yourself, relaxing, being present, enjoying the room, the sounds, swaying to music, feeling your nerves.

Think of it as one long MEDITATION – one short therapy session with each person – man or woman you talk to. DO NOT move toward anyone. Get comfortable and stand somewhere, or sit at the bar and smile. NO ALCOHOL.

This is all about you learning to get comfortable in this kind of situation, seeing what happens, using Feeling messages from the first moment, expressing yourself, leaning back, feeling warm, getting into your femininity, into your female parts, talking from your vagina – This will occupy you, so don’t go around looking for a man – have NO EXPECTATIONS except that this is a small step, and that you will be doing this many, many more times.

Dress so YOU FEEL soft and sexy…so that comfort within yourself – even feeling comfortable with your NERVES just radiates out of you with your smile.

If your smile feels forward leaning to you – or like you’re smiling for a REASON instead of just because you feel warm inside and you’re enjoying SOMETHING in the MOMENT – relax your face and start the Rori Raye Dance Position all over again.

This is therapy, not social – okay?  the goal is to LEARN something, about yourself and what works – and not to GET something.

Let me know how it went…

Love, Rori

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  1.  #1alias girl on December 11, 2008 at 10:59 pm

    is the suggestion not to look for a man bc a man will find us? is looking for a man masculine? does this apply to all of life situations?

    i love this post by the way. it felt very good to read it. and reread it. i am trying to grow a rori raye voice in my ear that i can always turn to in situations so i can ask what would rori say about this?

  2.  #2Reshi on December 12, 2008 at 9:55 am

    I’m glad for this post, I had a chance to go to a speed dating event this week and didn’t go because I was too scared (and too broke)…but now I’ll be prepared for the next one. 😀

  3.  #3alias girl on December 13, 2008 at 3:02 am

    two boys asked for my # today. higher quality men than i was attracting before but still not really that interested. but it’s nice to see an improvement! the one texted me as a first contact to ask me out. i am so underwhelmed. i am not going to text him back. if he calls i might see him

    the other guy i went to coffee with right then and then we went somewhere to eat. i did not do that great with feelings messages. i feel shakey. every sincei got home i have been shaking like a chihuaha in cold weather. not sure what that’s about. it used to happen in social situations with me when i got nervous or felt vulnerable so maybe it’s just residual feelings from my date tonight. the good news is i wasn’t bored. i wasn’t excited but i wasn’t bored. that is also an improvement. he talked too much in my opinion and seemed like he tried to appear interested when i was speaking but didn’t really seem genuinely interested. didn’t seem like he really cared about me or my well being just more about him or maybe how well he was doing.

    after i let him put his hands on my waist and kiss my neck but then it just got a little gross for me. he was running his tongue all over my neck in a way i had never experienced from a man before and honestly don’t mind never experiencing again. i don’t mean to be mean and anyway i told him to stop but now i don’t think i want to see him again and i told him i did and no i don’t think i do and i’m not really sure why i don’t but i don’t know. from zero to two to zero in my rotation all in less than eight hours. 🙁 anyway i am getting better and some men seem to be interested. so it’s good. experimenting and experiencing and expanding.

  4.  #4Caj13 on December 13, 2008 at 5:06 am

    Alias Girl –
    That’s wonderful – congratulations! You’re actually practicing and you did fine! As Rori says, it doesn’t matter if you get “everything” right. What you definitely got right was feeling your feelings, and this new awareness of both the good and icky ones has already helped you know what you don’t want. Now your homework is to think of a few feeling messages you could have got in here and there, and say them out loud, so they’ll flow more easily the next time with a more mr. right.

    An idea if you get another text from someone that attracts you more: respond – none too quickly – with something like “this is feeling a little impersonal”. Cuz texts are so ubiquitous some people just don’t (want to) know that resorting to them makes it look like they have confidence issues (even tho’ they probably do, if they want you they have to get over them, of course).

    (And if this date-guy got some things right – must’ve cuz you accepted his invite – maybe he’s just starting on his own dating makeover and doesn’t really have a handle on it all yet. So you also get a silver star for doing him (and other women) a favor by not encouraging him despite his mistakes.)

    So keep those good vibes going, AG – your nervousness is just accelerating them.

  5.  #5alias girl on December 13, 2008 at 11:44 am

    caj 13 thank you so much for you wonderful wisdom and feedback. i was wondering where you’ve been. good to have you pop back in!

    yes i think your suggestion to have some feeling messages in my back pocket is a good idea. i know rori had mentioned that somewhere along the line as well and i guess i just thought i wouldn’t need to do it bc they would just flow. but i am going to make a list of things i often feel in different situations or things i might feel and practice them definitely a great reminder so thanks!

    i hear you on texting the guy back but i just wasn’t that interested. not enough. maybe if i was i would experiment with that.

    the thing with this guy i went on a date with is there are too many things that are a no or sketchy and not really enough yesses or assurances. also i feel guilty saying no and i think that right there is not a good sign for me. but he paid for dinner and i know he doesn’t have a ton of money. and he kept saying how much he likes me.the more i type the more clear it is that i really don’t want to see him again. he didn’t have a cell phone (??) so he scrbbled my # on this tiny sheet of paper and i am hoping hoping he loses it. i know that’s a little weak of me but it would be easier than having to tell him.

    thanks caj 13 for your feedback. i really appreciate it. 🙂

    oh i had a question. what do you mean when you say my nervousness is accelerating them? is this not good? do you mean i should try and not be nervous or were you just stating that that’s how things are and i should just be aware of that? do you mean accelrating them sexually. like the weaker animal is an easier dinner kind of thing?

  6.  #6Caj13 on December 13, 2008 at 5:45 pm

    Hi AG
    It feels good to read your appreciation – you’re very welcome to my thoughts. Re your queries: YES, perfectly good. I was just referring to the shaking you mentioned when you got home which had reminded you of some nervousness, and those seemed like they were unpleasant feelings to you . I pictured these squiggly energy waves flying off a cute nervous lithe gangly girl, arms and legs akimbo, and her shaky chihuahua . So it was like the vibrations from the bad feelings were joining with the good vibes you’re also feeling and accelerating them. Sort of another take on the muck at the bottom of the pond nourishing the dazzling fish in and exquisite water lilies on it.
    Have a good, romantic, sensual self-indulgent rest among your scattered rose petals (more energy to capture from their fluttering down). .

  7.  #7Daria on December 13, 2008 at 7:33 pm

    YAY Alias girl! You can try practicing being mean… if you want to ! Yes you are a goddess! It’s ok to be mean, because it’s not really being mean at all! So maybe you can say “I didn’t like all the tongue action… or I don’t know if I feel that attracted to you! ” I know really hard but I bet it makes big changes in you! I’m so happy you had a date which was interesting… yay… looking forward to more now.

    Just to add that when I see a guy I AM attracted to I notice I look away fast, or don’t shine out my goddess self. That way I am basically mostly attracting guys I’m not THAT attracted to because it feels more comfortable. I can’t wait to get comfortable and attract the juicy sexy ones too!

  8.  #8Reshi on December 14, 2008 at 12:08 am

    Daria, I totally do that too. I sit there all day at work shining, juicy, Goddess-like for the benefit of gay guys and guys I’m not into. When someone attractive smiles at me–when I even SEE someone attractive–i instinctively clam up and hide inside myself so he won’t see me…

  9.  #9Caj13 on December 14, 2008 at 4:38 am

    Been there, done that, still stuck….except for tiny fractions of seconds. But I am now confident that those baby er… embryonic looks will eventually build up to whole inviting stares. Before I’m 75 – I hear you Maria.

  10.  #10alias girl on December 14, 2008 at 2:32 pm

    i do the same thing. if there is a guy i might be interested in i look at the floor or look away. i don’t even smile. so that would make sense why i am attracting guys i am not interested bc i am probably meeting their eyes and if they smile i am probably smiling back. if people are friendly to me i tend to be friendly back. hmmm. so i need to tone it down with guys i am not interested in and open up with the men i might be interested in. i am going to start practicing this and smiling and holding eye contact with men i find attractive. ooooh that feels sooo scary. and exciting. thanks you guys. sometimes things might seem obvious or i’ve read it before or rori has made a tool but it doesn’t sink in until it sinks in and reading people’s personal experience helps with that alot.

  11.  #11Caj13 on December 14, 2008 at 6:09 pm

    AG – You’ve certainly hit the nail on the head about how it helps to read each other’s experiences and insights. Re NOT LOOKING: Just what are we so afraid of !!!??? It’s as if we reverted to our inner preteen – that nervous girl and her empathetic chihuahua. Glad to hear you have a plan, and determination to put it into action, despite the fright. (I decide this, too, but I’m afraid it’s usually like my diets – they work from just after lunch till just before dinner.)

  12.  #12alias girl on December 14, 2008 at 6:52 pm

    your funny caj 13. well babysteps. first i can have awareness. then i can have a new idea about meeting a man’s eyes and smiling. and then i can notice and be aware in the meoment when my old behavior comes back up. ie i see a cute guy and immediately have the impulse to turn him invisible and make him someone i purposefully ignore. ok then i can actually notice him. just look at him. if he looks my way i can hopefully at least just NOT turn away. then maybe meet his eyes.

    i get to practice little by little bc there are so many yummy guys to practice on but i used to exclude them before bc i thought they’d never be interested in me so i would make them disappear from my vision as soon as i saw them BUT NOW I GET TO PRACTICE ON THEM! which actually sounds like alot of fun as i am writing this. cool. ah yes. i will keep you updated on my cute experiment. oh it makes me nervous to think about it.

    🙂 🙂 🙂 cuteguyville here i come!

  13.  #13Blink Date on December 15, 2008 at 5:10 pm

    great tips.. most of the women are very keen on what the do’s are in this kind of situation.. very well said.. nice..