Stay Out of the Long Distance Relationship Trap

Untitled design (14)

Long distance is too hard. I don’t wish that for any of you.  If you’ve married a career armed forces man – you will always be far away from him at one time or another.  If you’ve married a pilot, you will miss him much of the time.

If you’ve made the decision to marry a man where long-distance is built into the relationship – I so wish you luck and love – and I’m grateful to you for being a woman who can handle that, because we need our pilots and our servicemen.

I’ll help you make the best of that situation as you write to me…

BUT – if you’re making a decision just now about whether or not to become “the girl back home,” or the “girl who lives just over a state,” I beg you to reconsider.

This is not an easy life to choose.  And even if you feel it’s just temporary – perhaps you met him online and you’re trying to figure out how to see each other enough to create a serious relationship, or he had to find work in another city or state – the difficulty of maintaining such a thing is very, very challenging.

Here’s a letter from Kerri, who’s in the middle of trying to decide what to do:

“Rori, I have been with my boyfriend for 18 months. Over the last 4 months, he started withdrawing, so I have leaned back, stayed confident, let go of control of the relationship oars, stopped being the first to text, call, email, etc, started focusing more on me, always extra happy when he called….etc… He stopped withdrawing and seemed to be happy with where things were — the ball in his court. Then, seven weeks ago, he was called up and deployed within a two-week time span… I continued to do all your steps.

We talk most of the time once a day, sometimes twice. However, a few weeks ago, I found out that he was on adult chat sites. I did the “I feel…I don’t want…what do you think” speech, but my trust was broken. He apologized for an hour, swearing he would never do it again and actually knew in his heart that what he had been doing was wrong and felt horrible..blah blah blah. He is going to be back for a four day leave in two weeks and will be spending the entire time with me, my kids and his son.

I so desperately want to forgive him and start to trust him again, but how can trust be built and a relationship progress across the miles? I want to wait for him to be with him when he is done with his year tour, but I want to know that I have something to wait for and not just continue with this holding pattern that I am in. I have gone through so many drafts in my head where I want to tell him how I feel and what I don’t want, but they all seem like an ultimatum.

I am feeling so lost and anxious and I don’t want to be someone’s lifeline to the states while they are gone just to have it blow up in my face when they return. Rori – any advice you could give here would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you for your time. I hope this was not too lengthy. Kerri”

Here’s my answer:

Kerri – my take on all this is that it’s INSANE to stay EXCLUSIVELY involved with a man long distance when you aren’t married, or at least engaged to him.

“Boyfriend” just doesn’t cut it.

There’s no way you can’t go nuts waiting around. If you give him the “No Boyfriend” speech – he might step up and try to give you a ring, just to keep you hanging on …the only way that can work is with a wedding date…and even then, I’d be wary.

Circular Date. That’s your ticket.

The military is not like normal life.  Your man is in Iraq, surrounded by unrest, danger, gunfire, bombs, anger and fear. What a man does to stay sane in this environment is not necessarily what he would do to relieve stress at home.

Some men, so the movies tell us, do best thinking about the “one girl back home” who loves him, who he loves, and who he hopes is waiting for him.

Some men, so reality today tells us, do best looking at porn, flirting in real life, and chatting online. It’s hard to know whether your man would bring these coping skills home with him, or if he brought those to Iraq to begin with.

Some men do best with a combination of these two – assuming (or hoping) that the “girl back home” will either not find out about the other stuff he does to stay sane and even, or “understand” about it.

And some women DO “understand” – for real.  They take this kind of thing in stride, and then expect different behavior when their man is home. But most of us just aren’t wired for it – we only PRETEND to “understand,” and so we dump ourselves and our needs somewhere at his feet and hope it’ll all go away.

Only our pretending only hides our distress and anger for a little while, and before we know it, we’re damaging the relationship with all our unexpressed feelings.

If your man is military by profession – this is what you have to look forward to.  Separations, with all kinds of stress-relief and icky behavior patterns taking over when you’re apart, and perhaps leaking over into your life when he’s at home.

If, on the other hand,  he’s returning to civilian life soon, that’s when you’ll know what you’ve got here.  You also may be handed a man battling Post Traumatic Stress.   A man who’s seen things he didn’t need to see, who comes back more shut down than when he left, and with more difficult to handle coping mechanisms and less ability to be emotionally open.

Or, you may be handed a man who grew up while in service to our country.  He may have developed leadership skills, may feel more confident, may feel good about himself, may be actually more mature and trustworthy.  He may be a better man for you.

Either way…being the woman who waits at home is not a role I’d like you to play.  You cannot wait without a wedding date – even in the movies long ago they knew that.

I wish you all the luck in the world, and hope you’ll sort out all these ideas for yourself and decide what YOU want to do. Whatever you do…please don’t put your life on hold.  Your waiting can be an “imagined” life raft for him, along with other habits, events and things he does and experiences where he is – but you cannot be a life raft for a man until you ARE a life raft – for YOU.

It takes a lot of life, a lot of air, a lot of love to fill up a life raft.  Focus on making your own self and your own life such a big, full, beautiful life raft for you to float through life on.  Keep floating, and see what he does.

Love, Rori

114 Comments

  1.  #1Simply Shannon on January 24, 2010 at 7:57 pm

    Rori, I feel so thankful to see you responding like this. Another blogger recently responded about the same thing but she recommended the girl hold off on having “the talk” until after his tour! WHAT??? I know we’re all suppose to be supportive of our military (and I am) but we’re suppose to wait for a guy when you aren’t even engaged/married? NOOO! That feels awful when the guy is in the same town, let alone far away, doing something HE decided to do.



  2.  #2Carla on January 25, 2010 at 8:50 am

    I’d like to start out by saying, I have been using Rori’s tools since mid October. I truly feel she has changed my life! 🙂

    After reading this blog I felt concerned. I live in a very small town in northern Alberta, Canada. My options for dating single men, in town, are very rare. I choose to on-line date. I’ve met some great men, and am currently dating one who lives 3.5 hours away. Does anyone feel I’m wasting my time? Should I re-think long distance dating?????

    Thanks 🙂



  3.  #3Aldonza on January 25, 2010 at 10:24 am

    My opinion is that it’s one thing if you find yourself in a relationship that becomes long-distance, but why would anyone *ever* choose that? If you’re doing online dating, simply do not respond to people outside of a reasonable distance range. Even to just chat. People outside of your range take time and energy away from finding someone closer to you. And why would you even bother with chatting if your goal is to find someone to *date*?

    Perhaps you’re not seeing the good men who are local because you’re too busy looking at men far away.

    Dating military guys who are subject to deployment is a gray area for me. There’s a reason those guys have higher divorce rates and that women stay away. I’ve done it and I’ve regretted it. My guy used the military as a way to keep women on a string with no commitment. You know, patriotic fever and all, how dare I be anything other than supportive and unquestioning to one of our guys in uniform? Pfeh. Supporting the troops doesn’t have to mean putting your life on hold for someone.

    As far as men away and coping, I put porn and “passive” entertainment in a different category from chatting and online sex sites. But that’s just me. Some might chose to view chatting as entertainment, but I feel that it involves another human and is a form of cheating.



  4.  #4Vicki Kerns on January 25, 2010 at 11:41 am

    In some of the things about my “ex-friend” I know he’s had some long distance relationships. In fact, the girl he’s interested in now (or whatever it is he allows himself to feel) is located in another. In fact, he met this gal through another ex-girlfriend from the same state. Go figure.

    Anyway, this guy is very “commitment-phobic” by his own admission, so what better way for him to feel “safe” that by being involved in a long distance relationship. I think that’s a big safety net for guys who are scared of relationships. As for being the woman involved in one of these types of relationships, I concur with Rori – avoid them like the plague. Good luck to you.



  5.  #5Carla on January 25, 2010 at 12:47 pm

    Thank you for your opinion!



  6.  #6Carla on January 25, 2010 at 12:48 pm

    Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts!!!!



  7.  #7Rori Raye on January 25, 2010 at 12:49 pm

    Carla – there comes a time when we all have to re-examine our priorities. When having a relationship becomes number one in the queue – we have to do all kinds of things. One of those things might mean moving to a bigger town, where at least there are more men. If you date a man who lives far away – you’re likely going to have to move there anyway to be with him. I know this sounds harsh, and I have many clients in this exact same situation. On the other hand, there may be a good man in town you don’t know about – so make sure everyone knows you’re single and available and DATING. Love, Rori



  8.  #8Carla on January 25, 2010 at 12:53 pm

    Thank you, thank you, thank you!! I completely agree with what you are saying, and feel so flattered that you responded! Wow!!!

    Carla 🙂



  9.  #9Melissa on January 26, 2010 at 10:37 am

    Well the man I have been seeing for almost 2 years now will be moving (its only 20 minutes away) to be in another county for his job. I also used to live there but my issue is that we are very unstable and have been, already told him that he could date me but we would not be exclusive and then set out dating other men. I know that I love him and have been through alot with him, he is coming around but I am worried whether I should continue this or not.



  10.  #10Rori Raye on January 26, 2010 at 12:14 pm

    Melissa – After 2 years, if you are “unstable” – either it’s not meant to work, it’s not going to work – or it could work if you made some changes. I don’t know why the relationship hasn’t worked up to now – perhaps you could give us some details? In any case – you can do exactly what you say – Circular Date, and include him in the mix. Love, Rori



  11.  #11savannah on January 26, 2010 at 10:00 pm

    HELP-So I know this is crazy..but would love your feelings and experience on twin souls/twin flames/divine counterparts>.. and its long distance right now. So we have been apart 20+ years, and we were in love when we both first met-love at first sight. Its acknowledged and definitely “real” BUT here is the big but, he is married, she tricked him into marrying her by getting pregnant “accidentally” and this was 10 years ago.They have been together a very long time…..So he is planning on leaving, I have laid the ground work for it does not feel right for me to be involved at any level with him except we talk at least an hour a day-to reconnect and get to know each other , but he said he is leaving and needs time to be on his own before we are together, which is what I want him to do as well…so I have begun to get comfortable with dating here in my local area, not having sex yet, but it feels so hard, when we both think and feel and know we are twin souls…its like passing the time until we can be together..very hard…He says he wants to live here or have me live there….but it may take a year or more?
    Any advice? words of wisdom? Rori’s cds are saving me right now…and its just an emotional rolllercoaster- the most love and chemistry I have ever felt and so much healing and feelings of fear..I am hoping that will get curbed by the circular dating, but its never been my style. i am trying baby steps and nothing to shock my system, although he being back and the strongest feelings of love I have ever felt have been a major shock and opening of my heart like I never thought possible…



  12.  #12Rori Raye on January 27, 2010 at 11:29 am

    Savannah, Welcome, and I know personally, and I know that so many of us do – what this all-enveloping feeling of “love-that’s-meant-to-be” feels like, and how it can take over your life. It feels like this is what life is all about – it’s all there is. And here I am bursting that glory bubble and calling in what IS. And what is is that he is married. And you talk with him an hour a day by phone. He is “planning” on leaving, but he is still there. I have known women who successfully waited out a divorce and happily married the man, so I won’t say this won’t happen. And I know many women whose long lost loves have come again and made them happy. But right now, he is NOT HERE WITH YOU. In this sense, he is not real. He is not yours. We will all help you to focus on yourself, so keep Circular Dating and practicing Tools that focus you on you… Love, Rori



  13.  #13MS on January 30, 2010 at 12:56 pm

    There is a guy who was originally friends with me saying he needed a Mom, and then went and dated my underage daughter, quite the charmer. now shes older, but shes allways getting sick after there dates and i found out his Dr. has diagnosed an infection and hes simply desided not to take the medicine. My daughter is a singer and she frequently gets sick and can’t sing at times and my feeling is she is picking this up from him and usually i have high medical and the worst watching her be ill. He remains utreated and I fear hes waiting for me to tell him to stop seeing her so I would bethe one to break her heart. She lately frequently gets angry at me around the time she sees him and seems pitte agaisnst me. We were supossed to go on vacation but she wants to continue to see him, thus another round of medicine for her. What do i do?



  14.  #14Kris on January 31, 2010 at 4:29 am

    I was contacted by a man on Match.com who lives in another state. He has made reservations (and he sent me a copy from the airline so he has done it), and will be here this next weekend – Feb 5-8. Over the past week in our communications I have felt/seen some changes in his behavior, i.e. not calling as often primarily. Also he removed himself this past week from Match.com. He would call usually as often as twice a day for 2-3 weeks, but now there has been a day or two that he has not called at all. Within and of itself it doesn’t have to mean anything at all to me – but I have noticed the change regardless. He seems to be still OK with coming here, so I am just going with the flow. I have wondered if he might have met another and is splitting his time.

    I would say that I believe he is who he says he is. I have met many men on date sights and my own experience is that all of them have been honest to date. I seem to have the ability to pick men of good character and integrity even on date sights. Having these experiences have resulted in my honing on those “things” that I want in a man/relationship.

    However, he said something to me this past week on the phone “When I come (to visit) will you let me come back, or will you keep me”. This threw me off for a second – I actually laughed and said “I didn’t realize I would have a choice”, and then I said (with a little coyness) “I guess I will have see after you get here”. His comment was so bizarre – it was a window into this man that was far removed from his usual demeanor to date.

    I am still on Match.com and am still contacting men and actually have 2 who are “active”, although neither of them are “the man”. I am very excited about meeting the this new one and just know that he will be ultra-important. I have to admit that the change in contacting me has me a bit on edge.



  15.  #15Mary on February 2, 2010 at 1:48 am

    Helloooooooo!

    I just got home from Thailand!

    I see we have numbered comments, and there is no longer a way to reply to the individual messages. I kinda liked that – as I’m a Gmail user – but I’m easy.

    Just wanted to say hi!



  16.  #16Aamina on February 4, 2010 at 12:10 pm

    Hello Mrs Raye. first of all I beg your pardon if my english speaking is not so good.
    I found your website so accidentally and I’v read your beautiful guids since one week ago,it was so effective & attractive for me,I really want to say “thank you” to you.

    I’m a girl from “Iran” .I’m so shy and even I have’nt be able to speak directly to a boy with comfort.this case bothers me so much.I cry so much for my loneliness.but from about one year ago I’v met a boy and I think I fell in love with him.up to now he has been so nice and kind to me,he never tried to be angry with me, and he said that I’m a very nice girl and so rare.but I think because of my simplisity he doesn’t love me,he just said he has another girlfriend whom he has promised to marry.but as much as I’v felt in this period,I think there is not such a girl really in his life,because he still is my friend and is in contact with alot of other girls too.I tried so much to gain his attention but he never never has said to me : “I love you”.
    I tried so much to forget him,but I really can’t,and he himself hasn’t said that when we must say goodbye.he is now so far from me,since 4 month ago he has gone to US and now we just can chat with each other through internet,I think I never can change his Idea about me,because he still says that he is with another girl.I think he like me but doesn’t want to tell me that.maybe he afraid to bother me after saying goodbye.I’m so lonely & heart broken.please help me,I know no one else would be able to fill his place in my heart.he is studying at Phd degree in US,but I’m not so clever and self-confident as he is,do you think it’s not sensible for us to marry? I like studying too,but I just need someone to help me to improve and to become successful in my life.but no one pays attention to me.
    by the way,unfortunately I’m not able to receive your CDs ,it’s not possible for me
    please reply to me.
    thank you for reading this.I’m waiting for your help.sorry if I talked too much.
    best wishes.



  17.  #17Rori Raye on February 5, 2010 at 12:00 pm

    Aamina, Welcome, and my heart goes out to you…here’s what I want for you. Your experience with feeling so much love for this man is because of your inexperience. Your inexperience is making you feel even more insecure. Your wanting this man above all else is making everything feel worse for you, and placing your strength outside yourself, with him, instead of INSIDE yourself, with you. Focus on what you CAN do. Focus on what you can learn, where you can go, the fun youcan have, the people you can meet – how you can get truly involved in something you love so that your insecurities and shyness melt away. Make friends with men so that you can learn to be comfortable with them. This one man is not your whole life. Please start thinking more highly of yourself. Love, Rori



  18.  #18Aamina on February 5, 2010 at 5:20 pm

    Hello again,thank you very much dear Rori.I’ve become so glad to see that you have answered my comment so quickly.but I should say that this man is not the first and the only person whom I’ve met.I have had some other boy friends too,but this boy was the best of all in my view.he was more similar to my thoughts and behaviour than the others.but he just see me as a good friend and no more.sorry,I dont want to repeat my previous comments again,just I’ll try my best to listen to your advices.
    I really love your work. thank you .



  19.  #19Silvia on February 7, 2010 at 1:31 am

    I’ve been involved for nearly a year with an international commericial pilot who lives in another country. He doesn’t fly here so we’ve been meeting at a third country during his layovers there. I actually met him 14 years ago when we both lived on the other side of the world, he expressed interest but I was leaving so I tunred him down. He found me 13 years later, came to my house half a world away and knocked on my door saying he could not forget about me and now that he had moved to the same countinent at least he came to see me.
    I know it is long distance but my parents also had a long distance relationship for nearly 30 years, my father also worked for the airline ad their relationship lasted 50 years, so I’ve seen it work.
    The problem is that until about 3 months ago he texted e-mailed and called me constantly telling me how much he missed me, but lately these calls and texts have become less frequet and he never says he misses me any more. During our last meeting which was a week ago he said he was stressed with work and fatigued from flying too much. He is affectionate physically but not so much in words any more. I have tried circular dating but it’s not working well, all I do is think about him. Also, the feeling language tool is difficult since we do not communicate in English and it doesn’t translate well. What do I do to bring him back?
    I do want a commitment from him, I don’t mind moving to the same city, I know he sometimes is gone for 3 or 4 days at a time but my father was gone for 6 months at a time. I just don’t like only seeing him once a month.



  20.  #20Rori Raye on February 9, 2010 at 11:30 pm

    Silvia, Welcome, and this is hard…because of your background – long distance feels natural to you. The only thing you have control over here is your own life…Circular Dating is key, and truly, what you need to do is talk with this man. Ask him what he sees for you. It’s been a year. He’s likely coming to grips with the idea of what the next step is, and so he’s pulling back. Get the elephant in the room out in the open. Say – we’ve been seeing each other for a year now, what do you see for us? I feel lonely for you. I miss you. I’d like to be with you. What do you see? Love, Rori



  21.  #21Kris Palmer on February 10, 2010 at 3:24 am

    The guy I met on Match.com arrived on Friday and stayed through Monday. We had a wonderful time together – very relaxed and very comfortable. I behaved exactly as I would with any guest, and although I had ideas of things to do we decided what to do together. He talked of coming back in March. I have decided to let him make the moves and see/feel his level of committment over the next few months. He is not on Match.com and removed himself about a week before he came here. I am looking for those little things that can mean alot one way or the other. I would like to see this relationship develop positively. I have plenty going on in my life – a couple of men who are contacting me, but I have girlfriends, family and have my own business plus a dog! The plane trip between us is about 2.5 hours and is a direct flight so that is very good. He is going to retire at the end of this year and it feels like he is planning the rest of his life which includes having having someone is his life. I would say that the best thing I have done is to let go of controlling, realizing that worrying does nothing at all for my well being, people will always do what they do, and to accept that the important thing to me is that the only man I want in my life (providing I want him) is the one who wants to be with me. Integrity is one of those key qualities – we are who we say we are, we do what we say we are going to do – follow through. It is fine to wait, but there has to be some positive changes going on during that wait. If integrity is not there in a guy – those men don’t make the cut with me.



  22.  #22mumtaz on March 8, 2010 at 11:05 am

    hi rori,

    i’ve in a long distance relationship for couple of months with this guy we’ve been friends before that, he and i have gone through alot of tials and tribulation and have been there for one another… i have my on life and also he has his, were both very social people and i dont let our relationship interfere with it and i dont intervene in his… since january he’s been planning to come see me however, tragedy strikes AGAIN… and now i feel he’s withdrawn from us and our communication has been really bad until last week i stopped answering his calls because before that he anytime i asked anything general he wont answer or just be vague.. it was frustrating me i’ve used your feeling messages and he opens up then closes up again.. all in all… everything has started to get to me ALOT i cant stop crying and am in pain all the time.. am trying to get on with my life but cant stop thinking of him… he cant promise or make plans to see me because he’s not sure he’ll keep his words… its hurting me.. i’ve fallen in love with him and he fell in love with me… but now there’s this big silence i cant seem to get past… i want to talk but no words come out. for the past week i havent spoken to him or answered his call or text… he calls me constantly and texts whats going on and me to call him… but i just feel terrified because the last time i spoke i was so angry at him and told him i want a real relationship where he is the guy and am the girl so i backed of completely and now he’s constantly calling… i know what i want.. i want to be with him.. but he keeps making decision about us himself that he’s not making me happy and i deserve so much better and should not have to go through what he’s going through with his personell hell… i told him only he can solve his problem i cant… if he wants me… has to come find me and life himself cos i am not gona be waiting… i cant stop crying and the feeling of dread, fear and pain is eating me away… i just want to be with him… he just called me now and i answered told him about my fear of losing him and how i dontt feel apart of decision making about us.. and what does he think? he told me he loves me so much and wants me so much that he’s scared that he’ll poison my life because of him after everyone he’s lost he cant bear to lose me… he’s tired and just wants to sleep he says… and he loves me!!! HELP ME RORI… He’s going to call later to talk… what can i do or say to salvage our relationship?



  23.  #23Kris Palmer on March 8, 2010 at 2:05 pm

    Mumtaz, I will say something that someone told me – you don’t sound happy. If it is a stuggle, then it is. I believe that like attracts like – if I am desperate than I attract desperate people. I have been there and done that – and, quite frankly, I slip back into it occasionally yet. I have been in a long distance relationsihp with a fellow for 4-1/2 years, and through applying some of the techniques that Rori, and others, have taught me I am becoming much more in control of my own feelings and behavior.

    I cannot control another person, and I have learned never to give my thoughts and opinions as to what they need to do in conversation with them. I allow them to be and do whatever they want in their own lives, even if it is in not-so-good decisions about me or the relationship. This guy has said to me “:You have changed”. I did not ask him what he meant by that comment – I just noted it. But he calls – so I guess the change is OK with him.

    In the meantime, I date, I join groups and do lots of activities with people, I started my own business. When I start to “weird out” – I call a girlfriend and tell her I am “weirding” and they are always willing to help me get beyond it. Of course, I don’t do that often as I love my girlfriends.

    So, take care of your own happiness and force yourself to do other things that take your mind off of him as much as possible. You can’t change him, you can change yourself. Then, if he is interested enough he will have to change his own behavior to meet you on a better feeling level.

    Being in love can make us behave in ways that says nothing about love but invites sheer misery. You have got to be happy and in love with yourself first before you will invite a happy loving relationship with anyone.



  24.  #24mumtaz on March 8, 2010 at 3:17 pm

    hi kris

    thank you for sharing… i dont wana change him i love who he is and what he is… i love the person i am too… and proud to say of the woman i’ve become…

    My guy called… it’s over between us and its shattering my heart ='( he cant give me a future and a commited relationship. Am shaking so much and cant stop crying….



  25.  #25Kris Palmer on March 9, 2010 at 2:50 am

    Mumtaz,

    Never say never – just work at focusing on yourself, and you never know what will happen down the road. This guy and I have separated before over this long time period – several times – and I just keep paddling down stream. He seems to join me at different places in my journey and who knows? I don’t wait for him, but he seems to catch up – life is unpredictable.



  26.  #26Cassandra on March 21, 2010 at 7:17 am

    Rori….this post hit home for me. I have been talking with a man that lives- believe it or not- where I moved here from! How ironic is that?! I am finding that I really like him and he has made plans to come to visit me but after reading your post here, I am not sure now. After telling me that he would be deleting his profile on the site where we met, it is still up there. I now feel un-trusting and deceived by this. I don’t want to feel like this and I think that perhaps this long distance things is just too much for me. I can totally see what you mean about it being just too hard. I am in a place where I can choose to move forward or stop as this is relatively new. As much as I do like this man, I think that it may be in my nest interest to just stop. I really do like him but I am finding myself feeling all of these really negative things now since learning that he is still on the site after he told me that he was not renewing his membership and would be deleting his profile. I feel sad and angry because I felt that I had perhaps finally met someone that was real and a good guy…until this. It is hard to do the long distance thing, you are right. I am not sure at this moment what I will do but it seems that perhaps it may be best to just stop before my heart really gets involved. Your thoughts?

    Love…Cassandra



  27.  #27mumtaz on March 28, 2010 at 3:12 pm

    hi,

    since i’ve last posted i’ve been taking care of myself… dealing, listening and feeling my feelings and emotions… my guy has been calling me alot since we’ve decided not to be together but he continued to call and tell he loves me and wants me and doesnt want to lose me… he wants to be like how we were in a relationship and how we spoke over the phone… without expectation and hopes of ever seeing each other… thats not what i want!! he met this girl at a friends stag night he went to who’s a stripper… he came home and told me what happened.. he just sat there not involved in anything but just thinking about me and the girl came over and asked him to join his friends and the other girls but he just sat there so she sat with him and all he did was talk to her about me… he called it a therapy like he was talking to a therapist like he does with his therapist.. the next day he was in the area of the strip club where the girl works and he went over to her to talk they exchanged numbers or application on iphone… i felt a gut renching stab in my heart when he went there and exchanged numbers and i told him how i felt and he apologised and hung up.. after that i didnt answer any of his calls because he called me persistantly and i didnt know what else there was to hear and say… i just took time for myself then after a week i answered when he called he played me a really nice song and then he started yelling at me over the phone with so much anger… why have i been avoiding him, why havent i called or texted, dont i care for him anymore, he got so angry he hung up the phone… i wanted to call back and reassure him it wasnt like that but i stopped myself from doing that i dont have to explain myself so i left it… he called me back the next day and said he loves me and is going to stand by me and do the right thing by me and he is sorry that he hurt me… i just listened to him i want actions not just words… and up until now he hasnt done anything he said.. its like.. i feel he’s waiting for me to do something to give him a sign but i cant read his mind unless he asks… the day we broke up i only cried my heart out that day… since then i havent cried but today am feeling SO LONELY and missing him so much and i am crying… i havent heard from him in three days… i have this lump in my throat and heaviness in my heart and its overwhelming… i want to be with him and i know he does too.. but i want him to make his own decision himself and commit to me because its his choice and not pressured.. he made that choice to see the other girl and i backed off completely and he reached out to me and now it feels like he’s waiting for me to call him and make a move… i love him and want this to work.

    Rori and Girls what would your advice be to someone who’s feeling lonely? sorry for rambling just wanted to get it out of my chest huh…

    mumtaz



  28.  #28Jeannette on March 28, 2010 at 4:31 pm

    mumtaz, circular date, circular date, circular date….I mean it. I know what it’s like when you’re so lonely you feel like the winds blowing right through you and the pain never subsides. But God as my witness, you have to talk to other men, because if you do, it diminishes your obsession for him. He knows who you are but if you remain strong, and lean back and not call him, it will command respect in him and everything will come together the way it’s supposed to whether he is with you or not, it will be so much more the advantage for you! Don’t walk in fear okay? Don’t cave in!



  29.  #29Kris Palmer on March 28, 2010 at 5:35 pm

    Since I believe that we attract that which we are – and this is not always a delightful revealation – I have come to accept that if I am attracting relationships that make me feel bad that I have to look at myself and see what there is about me that brings these people into my life. Mumtaz, if any of what is happening doesn’t feel good….it isn’t, and you don’t need any diagnosis from someone else to feel secure in what you know about your feelings.

    I would say that when your man is telling you about this other girl at this night spot, that he is being abusive. It is torturing you emotionally and that is abusive. He is challenging your boundaries. And when you get upset enough he apologizes to hold your attention and to show that “nice side”. In my opinion, this whole “game” is mean.

    People only do what you allow them to do. I am not sure where we women get off thinking that it’s OK to feel bad in a relationship – and that somehow we are either causing it or must make it better. It is not normal, it is not acceptable.

    You might be doing other things and dating other people, but you are merely acting it all out and not truly getting involved with yourself and allowing these other activities to be joyful.

    If you truly want this person in your life you will have to free yourself from his hold. You must change yourself and turn around your responses to him and his behaviors to something completely different. You must not only act it but be it. It takes lots of practice and believing in yourself.

    It is scary. But what I found is that I either had to change and feel better about myself, or play a game of “is he or isn’t he” with him having the control. \

    The people in your life reflect back to you the person you are. They are your mirror. Think about a man looking out at you from a mirror and feeling his geniune love for you for all that you are.

    I have an LDR too – just this week he got into one of his weird moods, and I just said “I understand, we will talk later, Ken” and we hung up. That was 4 days ago – if I allow myself to think about it fear grips me that I won’t hear from him again…old habitual thoughts. In the end, the most important thing is my own happiness, and he can’t ever be responsible for that no matter how this relationship goes.

    .



  30.  #30Kris Palmer on March 28, 2010 at 5:50 pm

    Something worth mentioning, Mumtaz – I have gotten so good at keeping my energy and joy up that inside of 3 days of not hearing from Ken….3 men have come into my life! That’s pretty good – talk about an ego boost! I “attracted” these men because I was no longer sitting around feeling lonely every time Ken has a weird mood. In fact, I find myself thinking “Maybe one of these men will replace Ken”. I am loosening the hold Ken has on me. I will tell you, I am absolutely crazy about Ken – I love this man like no other, but, honey, I am not going to ruin the present moments of my life while he gets weird.



  31.  #31Lucy on March 28, 2010 at 8:05 pm

    Kris, I feel interested in Ken’s weird moods and how they affect his contact with you. I have experienced something similar with a LD guy. What is the longest he has gone without getting back to you?

    I feel happy for you learning to keep up your energy and joy!

    <3
    Lucy



  32.  #32Kris Palmer on March 29, 2010 at 7:10 am

    Well, the times can vary and it used to drive me crazy, but anymore I don’t take ownership of his moods. This doesn’t mean I don’t care or sometimes get upset – today, for example, I feel angry. However anger is a better feeling than fear. Fear is about whether or not he will contact me, or love me, or anything at all about what he may or may not do. Fear gives him the control, anger is taking it back. My anger consists of saying to myself “I am worth it. It is his problem not mine and he is a jerk for acting this way, etc”

    He was not mean or impolite, but his behavior over a few days felt “self absorbed”. I knew that when he said he would “call later” that he might not. I could feel it. So I simply said “I understand, we will talk later”. I was calm and matter of fact. I feel proud of myself. I will say that this “break” is the best feeling one I have had – as weird as that may sound.

    We can’t really compare how long each man takes – they are consistent individually. I just say to myself “get happy”. I have found that when I am not so involved with what I think he may be doing, that I am surprised when I hear from him! On the other hand, the more I think of him and the feeling of “loss” – time goes on forever.

    A while back I did an exercise that started me on the road to feeling better about myself. Ken and I had a, not so nice, “break” and I was devastated – could not eat or sleep, and was truly pathetic. So, I wrote out 3 lists.

    The first list was everything I loved about him and the relationship. The list was long and I got good feelings from seeing it written – it helps to validate why I am in this relationship. I call it my list of Appreciation.

    The second list was everything I felt I did not like about him and the relationship. The list was fairly short, but profound. It takes a measure of honesty and courage to write this list.

    The 3rd list was to look at that second list and write down my preferences. So, for example, if he is rude I would say I want him to be polite. It is important, I find, to state a positive rather than writing something like “I don’t want him to be rude”. Then I write statements about what polite means to me – for example: he says thank you, please, how are you doing – whatever it means to me. If I have to I will look up the word polite in the dictionary to help me create statements. If he is disrespectful I would say I want him to be respectful and then write down specifically what that means to me, for example: he listens to me, he encourages me (I might look up the word encourage and write more about what that means to me). This was, in essence, a list of Appreciation about what I desired for myself.

    I would review the first and the last lists regularly. I try to ignore the 2nd list as it was only a means to an end, and to focus on negatives creates bad feelings.

    I have seen/felt significant good changes in Ken’s attitude/behavior towards me since this self-clarification process .

    It is scary that just maybe this time I won’t hear from him – of course that is possible. But I don’t want to go through feeling bad on and off or wondering how long he will take “this time”, or worse yet, how long can I keep the relationship on an even keel. I create worry over something I can’t control.

    Although I could contact him and maybe get some relief for awhile, he would have control of my feelings. I would rather his control be about his deciding to contact me. I want that kind of a relationship.

    I don’t know how long it will take for him to adjust to who I really am or even if he will – but I am finding lots of neat people who have many of those qualities I wrote in lists 1 and 3 – imagine that!

    This is a lengthy reply and may be not what you wanted – however, the longer I depend on someone else’s behavior to dictate how happy I am the sicker I make myself.



  33.  #33mumtaz on March 29, 2010 at 10:52 am

    lol thank you ladies for your insightful replies;

    Jeannette – what you’ve said i’ve taken on board i see the advantage of circular dating… i work with men and there are 3 guys who have shown and expressed there interest in me.. when am at work am myself and i am a natural flirt with a smile on my face and my heart on my sleeves they see me for who i am and i dont do pretense or act in any way to gain attention i jus get it.. lol 1st guy i work with is a gentleman whom i absolutely adore and respect we call ourself work husband/wife i know he has keen interest in me cos the other day he was telling me he wants to settle down and the brides position is open for me… am so flattered, 2nd guy is a dark horse and sleazy he keeps making sexual references and inuendos and always telling me he likes me and the 3rd is a guy whos old enough to be my grandfather he’s offering me financial stability and asked me, just this weekend, to settle down with him, get a house and enjoy life lol… even when i go out i remember rori’s tools body language and the way i talk has shown MASSIVE results. I was in asda (OUR WALMART IN UK) i couldnt bag my shopping because i was struggling with the carrier bags, two guys one behind the counter and one customer fought to help me with my bags, they both helped toghether in the end, i was blushing and smiling both at the same time and thanked them both for their help it made me feel so powerful to be just a woman… hehe… however, you are right i do fear and KRIS has also mentioned how fear grips hold of you… i’ve been feeling exactly that.. that he’s given up and isnt going to call… i havent called i didnt have the urge to call him but the pass two days since he hasnt called i’m getting triggered…

    Kris – your so right about the fact that when you dont think about the guy, he just calls… thats how i was… i was actually getting on laughing and having fun with my friends, colleagues men and women, and also by myself pampering myself or relaxing watching movies etc and not even thinking much about him but he’s there at the back of my mind… then Bang the phone starts ringing shaken me out of my world lol and he’s reaching out to me…

    but these few days i’ve been thinking alot about him and missing him and he hasnt called… but i will be ok

    i’ve just started a new job where i get assigned to different clients and help them out and i get to travel alot i was nervous but not any more cos i enjoyed my 1st day today and i am shattered going to curl up in bed with a good book and then sleep…

    thank you so much for your words and wisdom hugs to you both, please keep posting about your progress, i dont mind how long it is i love reading and learning from it..

    love Mumtaz xoxo



  34.  #34Donna Lavender on April 18, 2010 at 9:55 am

    Hi, I am learning so much and am feeling so empowered. Thanks Rori for putting me on top.
    To turn the tables here, I was feeling guilty about a long distance relationship where he sends me money and gifts all the time. Neither of us has said I love you or spoken of exclusivity or marriage. I keep letting it go on although I dont like this guy at all. He is immature, inexperienced and kind of (not intellegent). He is 47 and I am 44 just to get that out of the way. I don’t have to see him very often, or should I say tollerate a visit. I am cold to him and ignore him as he texts and calls everyday. He doesn’t get the message that I am not into him so I continue to tollerate a few texts and calls and he sends me money. I can asuume what he thinks in his immature mind but it’s not my fault he assumes anything. If the words are not spoken then it doesnt exist. I know that when I find someone that I will marry or choose to be exclusive with then I will let him go and I assume he will be crushed. I always put off his visits and I wont let him touch me when he does visit. He is not the only man that has given me money or gifts. One man gave me money and fixed my car and tires a few times after a month online. he was long distance aswell. This man and I have an agreement that we are just friends and we meet for sex sometimes. He has past emotional problems and became unemployeed so he is emotionally unavailable and there are no more gifts except that he cooks very well for me and expects nothing back. I feel safe having sex with him without an emotional attachment. The first man doesn’t know and hasn’t asked. Now that I feel empowered, I no longer feel guilty but take what the first man gives. If he asked all those things he assumes but doesnt say then I would be honest and tell the truth. No I dont love him and no I don’t want to marry or be exclusive with him. All he does say is that he cares for me and wants to help me. Am I wrong to take from him? I dont con him at all. I believe he avoids the words that need to be spoken somehow knowing the truth but he doesn’t want to accept it. Is it my job to educate him or be his mommy or should I just be my own person and live my own life taking what is given freely? I take words at face value untill I become close to someone and get them and they get me. This man and I will never get through that barrier of closeness. I want to continue of course.



  35.  #35Rori Raye on April 18, 2010 at 10:07 am

    Donna, Welcome, and I’m completely at a loss here. Though I would not feel comfortable in your situation, I do not judge your desire to do so. Money is a means of exchange, and unless you are a charity organization, I’m not sure what it is you wish to give back to him. What I would want for you is to work to heal what it is inside you that is involving yourself in these kinds of non-relationships and begin Circular Dating to help…I would like to ask you, too, to do some writing about what it is you DO want…you seem so mired in what seems from here so unsatisfying…let’s start from your dreams and see if we can make them happen. Love, Rori



  36.  #36gina on May 15, 2010 at 12:19 pm

    Hi Rori
    I am with my man for one and a half years now.before we were doing great and just last month he started changing. he gets colder and colder. we are together every weekend since i have to work long distance.When things changed, he was asking for a cool off, but because Ive felt insulted, i did not accept it, because i cant see any reason since there was indeed no problem at all. i forgot that he changed a lot and finally said its over. I was very heart broken.There is the man that i loved most asking for a break up and i did not do anything wrong but just because he wants it and he feels cold.Sometimes, he does calls short to tell me he thinks of me and I am not calling him back.Thanks for all the advices you’re giving me that made my spirit high.I wanted to save this relationship as ealy as i can..let me also mention that before we were even looking forward of being married and grow old together. but things suddenly changed.I am pretty sure he is not seeing anybody, since his daughters were calling me often.telling me that if there is any, they’d be the first to know.after work he just stays home with them and just stays in his room right after dinner.Not talking to anybody on the phone except me and no text messages from from any one except his boyfriends. that they assured me of and telling me if there is, they wont tolerate it anyway,if its not me.



  37.  #37Rori Raye on May 15, 2010 at 9:01 pm

    Gina, Welcome, and though I’m so sorry for your pain – I think you’ve handled this brilliantly and I know if you Circular Date with this attitude, you’ll get what you want – a great man and great relationship (perhaps even this man) very quickly. Love, Rori



  38.  #38Star Girl on May 23, 2010 at 7:29 pm

    Hello! I am in a long distance relationship- I am 26 and he is 27. We are both in the military, but I plan to get out in one year (he can, too, but he hasn’t decided yet)! We were dating in the same place for 1 yr, 4 mo, and we’ve been apart for 1 year now, with at least 1 more year apart. When we were together in the same place I was happy for the first time. Since we’ve been apart, I have been excelling at work and keeping busy, but I’m not as social as he is. I don’t go to parties, but I run with a group and work on my master’s. He is pretty good about calling me, but he is one of those commitment-phobic guys, and why is it that waiting for him to decide that I’m the one makes me frustrated and unsure? He doesn’t like to plan past today. I love him, but I am the giving type, and my friend thinks I need someone who will spoil me and not take advantage of my niceness since I am always bending over backwards for everyone else (including him). But maybe a guy like that wouldn’t attract me, anyway? He is really an amazing guy, different from me in a lot of ways, so he balances me out. How do you know when to stick with it, and when to cash out?



  39.  #39Rori Raye on May 24, 2010 at 11:39 am

    Star Girl, Welcome, – and there’s nothing to stick to here. You are clearly not exclusively bound – so why ar you thinking and acting like you are? It’s nearly impossible to make relationship plans when you are apart. Please focus on enjoying what’s arond you today – including new men. Love, Rori



  40.  #40Rori Raye on May 24, 2010 at 11:54 am

    StarGirl – not sure if I answered this before – please don’t be exclusive inany way (not even in your mind) with this man. You have so much time before you see him – open yourself to new experiences and new men. Love, Rori



  41.  #41coffelovergirl on July 7, 2010 at 9:28 am

    Dear Rori, I’ve been reading these long distant relationship blogs and I am getting the feeling that it is not a good idea to be in one, which I have known it usually does not work out. However i’ve been dating this guy for 6 months and he is moving back to his home town which is 4hrs away, he said he is not closing any doors on our relationship, but I have a feeling that things will change once he moves, I really hate to see him go, but I do understand his job is the reason for him leaving, plus he has been in Atlanta for 7yrs and has wanted to sell his place and move back home, his is committment phobic, I really want more out of this relationship but wonder if it’s not worth the lond distance that will come between us. I wish he would stay since we havn’t had enough time to really get to date longer, he said to me that he loves me but now that he is leaving he has not said it lately, I’ve done the circular dating and tried to realize in my mind that he is leaving and just to release him and let him go, but it’s difficult as I have deep feelings for him and don’t know what to do? Any advice would be appreciated.



  42.  #42Rori Raye on July 8, 2010 at 9:34 pm

    coffelovergirl, Welcome, and you must continue to Circular Date and just consider him another man you date…if you can’t handle that, then end it…trying to push him into something will not work…Love, Rori – AND you CAN do this! Just practice. Love, Rori



  43.  #43Nicole on July 15, 2010 at 10:00 am

    i’ve been talking to this guy off and on for the past year. We finally met in person about 2 months ago. There was definitely chemistry, but for the past month or so I haven’t seen him because he travels alot for his job. I have really started to develop some feelings for him (nothing too serious), but enough that I want to keep him around. Now he’s stopped answering the phone and texting me, but he answers if I text him. I want to find out how he feels about me and where he thinks this could go. HELP!!



  44.  #44Rori Raye on July 15, 2010 at 6:04 pm

    Nicole, Welcome – and look up Circular Dating here….you’re getting all fixated on a guy who is NOT your boyfriend, nor should he be. Don’t call or text – let him do what he does, and meanwhile – et out there and DATE!! Love, Rori



  45.  #45Sarah on July 17, 2010 at 6:49 pm

    Dear Rori, I have been talking to a guy who currently lives in another country, from the staart he was someone who would contact me almost every day by text, email or a phone call, he would also tell me how much he loves me. only the past 6 weeks that he stopped contacting me, when I text, he will not respond my text soon, but will text me back maybe even few days after and says was not feeling well, it contenued and when I called him he will say there is nothing wrong, he is just buzy and stuff. I have emailed one day to let him know how I feel, which he did not respond, but when he saw me online the next day, he told me he knows how I feel and he feels really bad for not to keeping in touch. he also says I never gave him enough attention and living in another country he dosen’t know how to deal with this…this is coming from someone who says he is lin love wiith me and wants to be with me, I don’t know what to do now, as I am really in love with this guy, I am only thinking if I contact him again I will sound needy and the fact that I am pressuring him to be with me. last time I text him, I am still waiting or respond!! please advise me if I stop contacting him and just leave him alone, which is hard, do you thing this will change things…Many Thanks Sarah



  46.  #46Rori Raye on July 18, 2010 at 7:01 pm

    Sarah, Welcome – and so sorry – but no one can fall in love with anyone they don’t see regularly – in person. Skype and phone and text doesn’t count. Smell, taste and touch count. Please Circular Date local men. Love, Rori



  47.  #47coffelovergirl on August 13, 2010 at 10:07 am

    Dear Rori, I have a follow up on my long distance raltionship, My boyfriend of 6months, left on Aug 7,2010 and started his new job on Aug. 9th. We have had no contact since he left, I texted him twice but no response back from him, I’ve been circular dating and just hate it so far, I still care about this man but don’t know what to do or why he is not in contact, he did say before he left in a converstaion we had that he would call me in a couple of weeks, but am at a total loss of knowing whats going on with him, what to do? Be patient and wait or just try to forget about him since his life is totally different 4hrs away?



  48.  #48dorothea on August 13, 2010 at 10:16 am

    coffe, i don’t understand…why did he say he was going to wait two whole weeks to call you? i feel confused.



  49.  #49Love on September 27, 2010 at 11:25 pm

    Hi Rori! I am a huge fan of yours!! I write because I am very recently entered into an exclusive relationship with a man whom I feel love for like I have never felt before. It has been Wonderful (using your techniques of course!). Now, he has just been transfered across the country (from San Francisco to NY). He has asked me if I would consider coming with him and we would live together (marriage has also been mentioned). The thing is, I have a great job here that lasts through spring. If I stay to complete it, we will be in a long distance relationship for at least 5 or 6 months. If I go with him, I will be leaving so much of my life and so soon! I would love any advice from you please. You are amazing at what you do. I place love above all else. Yet, I know my success in life (purpose) is one thing that atracts this man! And NY is very different from California… Any words of wisdom are greatly appreciatedly. Warmest regards.



  50.  #50Rori Raye on September 28, 2010 at 8:56 am

    Wow, Love..If this were me…I’d start planning now on flying to NY nearly every week (if he asks and sends tickets), and start looking into jobs in NYC. Now. Spring is just around the corner. Your job is keeping you sane and from jumping all over him – that’s great. Are you free lance? Why will your job end in Spring? Love, rori



  51.  #51Love on September 29, 2010 at 11:08 pm

    Thank you for your response Rori!! I am so Thrilled to be in a dialog with you!!!!

    I’ve been thinking about it more and more and… I Love him! I also Love California! Could I live without fresh organic produce?? and NATURE all the time!! Biking to school, the Pacific, the redwoods, I live 4 blocks from the ocean right now… And the thing about my job, well, I am a PhD student – my job is as a t.a. at a nearby much-better-school-than-I-go-to (Stanford!), my school is much less well known. This job (starting next week and spanning 3 classes/through spring) is going to be great for my career. I’m working with a professor there who is a great mentor! She is teaching me so much and has even had me collaborating on her book that goes to publish at the end of this week – it is all great for my career and I love it. Also, he has yet to propose, and yet to purchase any tickets… I’m starting to think that he needs to start rowing this boat a bit more significantly – or, ideally stay in California!!! He actually has that option. I don’t think I could survive such a cold winter. I want this Love, and I want my Life!!! How can I get him to stay here Rori???? Do you think it’s possible?



  52.  #52Joanna on October 10, 2010 at 4:06 pm

    I am 21 and have been dating this guy who is from Russia for TWO years I met him here in USA he was still a student traveling around and things were great and he came back to visit me for New Year and then came back for me for the summer we talked on skype and then I went to Russia with him after the summer it was stupid becasue I barely had any money I just wanted to go becasue I was afraid he will dump me I was so emotionally attached to him. I saw the real him and it wasn’t that great girls should not be treated that they feel stupid around their man! Finally I am back in USA and I started to feel if this is even worth my time. Because we don’t have a set future and I confronted him about it and then the confusement went away and now this time its back STRONGER as ever I feel very distant from him well technically I am)) but sometimes before I asked him what does he want to do in the future he always say “I don’t know I need to think more” and about marriage “yes but not now” I felt he was not serious. Right now I did confront him telling him how I truely feel and now he is kissing butt telling me about he misses me and he wants to visit again and work things out and will try to get a job here ..but I still feel confused and don’t know if I want this..



  53.  #53Rori Raye on October 11, 2010 at 11:00 am

    Joanna, There’s nothing to want. Your emotional attachment is your whole problem here – and the solution is raising your self esteem and happiness level and Circular Dating. Targeting Mr. Right is your program…and Heart Connection Toolkit will help you feel good – listen to it whenever you’re not working with Targeting. Love, Rori



  54.  #54Love on October 11, 2010 at 12:58 pm

    Dear Rori,

    I just love you. Thank you so much for putting yourself out there, sharing your knowledge, and empowering so many women – including me!! Somewhere in this blog you have the notion to keep in mind that, “When I am with him, even when I am not with him, I feel loved, cared for, happy and secure.” That wasn’t happening in my (even temporary) long distance relationship. It’s amazing how otherwise seemingly successful women can become doormats around men. I’m living my life for myself now – empowered. Feeling better about myself every day and open to being the prize, and circular dating. I am so grateful for you and appreciative of all that you do.

    You have really helped me. Thank you Rori! xo



  55.  #55Joanna on October 11, 2010 at 7:20 pm

    Hi Rori thank you so much. But now my boyfriend is calling my parents apologizing the way he acted before and telling me he is ready to be with me and get a job here and telling me its OK to take time for me to think, I believe he is trying but of course I still have a lot of questions to ask.



  56.  #56Cindy on October 29, 2010 at 8:09 am

    I was in a long distance relationship and it ended a couple of months ago. I’m still hurting because I really believed he was the one. He broke up with me because after one year he realized he loved me, but wasn’t in love with me. Funny how after I stopped contacting him after the break up, he started calling me like when we first started dating. I agreed to being friends because he was a good friend before we got into the relationship, but I made it clear that although I’m his friend not to expect anything more out of me as if we were still together. He acts like we are still together and demands my attention and affection. He says that he misses me and loves me, but he’s just lonely I guess. I love him deeply, but I had set my boundaries because I can’t sit around for a man who obviously doesn’t love me enough to let go of his fear of commitment or he’s affraid to give in. He recently called me asking me if it was ok for him to come and visit. I said ok, but he knew where we stand. I love him, but he broke up and I’m not settling for parts of him. I want it all or nothing. I’d manke long term changes to move to him if he’d do the same, but he’s just there in the friend zone at the moment until a new man comes along or until I decide otherwise.



  57.  #57Alysia on November 10, 2010 at 7:55 pm

    Hello Rori,
    In a long distance friendship. He lives in N.Y. and I live in VA. My question is I lied to him, nothing major (like I was dying or had inoperable diseases) just something stupid. Now the reason why I did is because he does not communicate at all. He was married 23yrs (they are divorced and she hired a PI because he didn’t communicate with her.I was wondering do I need to leave this friendship alone or wait and see. Trust me I’m not waiting around for him, I am a single mother 3 children and live a full life. He did say that he wasn’t mad and that life was to short, but until this happened I made the first contact. I no longer do that and it’s been hard but I have learned that chasing to much can cause pull away. So if you could help me it would be appreciated.
    Thank you,
    Alysia



  58.  #58Michaela on November 11, 2010 at 10:32 am

    hi I´m Michaela and I have a LDR since three years. Today he told me as we phone every evening, that I am too anxious to loose him. Does that mean I´m too clingy? How can I stop being too anxious to loose him. It´s sometimes difficult for me as he knows a lot of women he´s talking to and i get jealous all the time he has a date with one of them. he says he loves me and he only wants to have me on his side, but as he laughs with other women I get distant and jealous and he always knows that I feel like that. You already told me I should circular date, but how should I tell him? I´m also very shy and have less self esteem. So it´s very frightening for me to C Date.
    I have a new adoption now in my apprenticeship as carer for the . There are a few attractive men all married, I feel so needy when I am around them and always think how they could see me as a woman.
    I try to be busy and do my work.
    My boyfriend and me see each other all two months. Last time he said he searchs a job next to where he lives and not near to me, where I live . That hurted me.
    What shall I do??
    Love Michaela.



  59.  #59Rori Raye on November 12, 2010 at 9:51 am

    Michaela – Welcome, and first stop is your self-esteem – Read everything you can about Circular Dating here – you can start easy with just talking with men, flirting with men – start with women and children even…just practice the Tools -Listening, eye contact, the Dance position…and stop “labeling” yourself as “needy” – and instead tune into what you’re FEELING – sad, afraid…Love, Rori



  60.  #60Rori Raye on November 12, 2010 at 9:54 am

    Alysia – LD is way challenging. You say you have a full life. Are you Circular Dating? Love, Rori



  61.  #61Love on November 19, 2010 at 11:01 am

    Hi Rori and Friends,

    I’m back with an updating and looking for support. So, after I broke it off with my LDR, and he has been keeping in contact daily. Last week he told me that he plans to move back here in Summer or Fall and that he wants to marry me – he said he plans to propose the right way but wanted to state his intentions. Meanwhile – he is living with another woman!!! Yes, can you believe this?! Yesterday, he called and I told him that I was feeling like my heart is closing (I also told him on Tuesday that I was thinking about moving on)- how can he say he knows who his “life partner” is (what he said on the phone last week) and be living with and sleeping with someone else?! I know NYC has expensive rent but… He said that he would see about moving back sooner like in Spring and he bought a plane ticket for the day after my finals are over (December 8th). I slept on it and came up with this speech that I would really really appreciate some feedback on 🙂 :

    “I’ve been thinking about things and I’ve decided that what I want and what I’m willing to accept is a loving, healthy, committed, monogamous relationship. I love you, yet if you’re not willing to give me that, we can’t keep this going on. I’ve been feeling sad, angry, fed up, frustrated and like I’m closing off. I’m also starting to feel like ‘the other woman’! This feeling is unacceptable to me. I don’t want any ‘other woman’ scenario in my relationship. You need to make a decision whether you want to be with me or her because you can’t have both anymore. Don’t plan on coming here until and unless you break up with her, until you’re not sleeping with someone else, living with someone else, spending the holidays with someone else – until you are ready to give me a healthy loving monogamous relationship. and I’m not going to wait around for you.”

    I think it’s great up until the “You need to make a decision” part… Can you help me with this??

    Most important, I realize that, as much as I love this man, I have to risk losing him if it means that I will open myself up to what I really want out of life.

    Thank you in advance for you feedback!!

    xo



  62.  #62Love on November 19, 2010 at 12:00 pm

    Take two on my speech. I think this is better:

    “I’ve been thinking about things and I’ve decided that what I want and what I’m willing to accept is a loving, healthy, committed, monogamous relationship. I love you, yet if you’re not willing to give me that, we can’t keep this going on. I’ve been feeling sad, angry, fed up, frustrated and like I’m closing off. I’m also starting to feel like ‘the other woman’! This feeling is unacceptable to me. I don’t want any ‘other woman’ scenario in my relationship. The idea of my lover coming to visit, telling me I’m his partner then living with someone else, sleeping with someone else, spending the holidays with someone else – while I’m alone, is totally unappealing and I don’t want it. I feel angry and sick to my stomach at the idea.”

    Then if he says, “So you don’t want me to come visit then?” I say, “I’m unwilling to be an ‘the other woman’ scenario”.

    What do you think??? Please help! He called a few minutes ago and was with his brother (who is visiting him). I told him that after a good night’s sleep I came to a realization. He said he would call me back in a few minutes when he is alone. He was stuttering a little bit – that’s unlike him. I think he knows what’s coming.

    *sigh

    Any input will be greatly appreciated!!!!



  63.  #63Love on November 19, 2010 at 12:01 pm

    ok, final revision i think… instead of “i’m unwilling to be the other woman” i say in response to his quesion, “i love you, but this feels wrong”.



  64.  #64Love on November 19, 2010 at 12:07 pm

    Okay, FINAL FINAL revision. I think this is it. Sorry for so many posts!! I think it’s helping me sort this out and any input or support is very much appreciated!!

    Here it is:

    I’ve been thinking about things and I’ve decided that what I want and what I’m willing to accept is a loving, healthy, committed, monogamous relationship. I love you, yet I don’t want to continue the way things are. I’ve been feeling sad, angry, fed up, frustrated and like I’m closing off. I’m also starting to feel like ‘the other woman’! This feeling is unacceptable to me. I don’t want any ‘other woman’ scenario in my relationship. The idea of my lover coming to visit, telling me I’m his partner then living with someone else, sleeping with someone else, spending the holidays with someone else – while I’m alone, is totally unappealing and I don’t want it. I feel angry and sick to my stomach at the idea. [Then, he might say, “You don’t want me to visit?” I respond, “I love you, but this feels wrong.”]

    Ok, I think I got it down now. Still any input is appreciated… All the best Sirens xo Love



  65.  #65Ella on November 19, 2010 at 12:17 pm

    Hi Love,

    I think that if you post on the newest thread you will get more replies.

    🙂



  66.  #66Simply Shannon on November 19, 2010 at 12:19 pm

    Love, do you really want a monogamous relationship with a man who is long distance AND who has chosen to live with another woman in the meantime? Ick. So if he suddenly stops living with her, you’d really feel comfortable with a monogamous relationship? I’d be saying no to any kind of exclusivity. This is perfect time for no-girlfriend speech. Seems to me you are still tied to the outcome here and painting him into a corner (ala throwing him in the cage).

    Me: I feel sad and angry. I don’t want to feel this way. I don’t want to date someone who is living with someone else. Ick. I don’t want to be exclusive and waiting for a man to show up. I feel better dating other men while you decide what you are going to do with me. What do you think?



  67.  #67Kris on November 19, 2010 at 12:20 pm

    As I can tell from your revisions – you already know you can only state what you want and what you will do. I personally think that to state what you won’t do or put up with are not good statements, but rather what you will do (and maybe ARE doing right now). Another thing to consider in talking to him is to state that his intentions are different than your (as you know you can’t change him nor want to) but you will go on with your life seeking what you want and desire. In other words you must allow him do whatever he chooses to do. Try to be/sound matter of fact.

    I always remind myself that the only man I want in my life is the one who wants me – for me to have to state conditions, get upset, etc, etc – should never be a requirement to have that man.



  68.  #68Simply Shannon on November 19, 2010 at 12:22 pm

    If he asks “you don’t want me to visit?”…

    Me: A part of me wants to see you but I don’t want to date someone who is living with another woman. I don’t want to be the other woman. This feels bad.

    I know this feels scary but you are giving him the option to be the man you want. He has to decide if he wants to do that. Strong on the inside (strong boundaries) and soft on the outside (open invitation).



  69.  #69Nikita on November 19, 2010 at 12:44 pm

    Wow,

    I feel biased….I had an ex bf living with me….he paid rent and ……he was dating a swedish girl….I told him he could host her in my apt….I went to a friend’s house for a few days so they could be alone… He and I had date when I was 19….and it had been YEARS since we were intimate in any way…
    My apartment was in Manhattan…. I don’t want to defend this guy AT ALL but NYC does have some very curious living situations….it is VERY costly to be here….



  70.  #70Lucy on November 19, 2010 at 12:52 pm

    “NYC does have some very curious living situations….”

    Yeah, look at How I Met Your Mother. It would be so fun living like that!

    When my daughter graduates college, she may go live in Manhattan with the gay guy who directed her last play and a bunch of other people from our local community theater — he got an apartment there and invited all other local actors to join him. 🙂



  71.  #71Simply Shannon on November 19, 2010 at 1:10 pm

    Oh. I thought Love said he was sleeping with her. That’s a whole ‘nother planet from living together. Well crap. Love, I don’t know if what I said sounds right for your situation now. Why? Cuz I don’t know the situation. Oops.

    Disclaimer: All suggestions to be taken with a grain of salt and a smidge of cayenne pepper.



  72.  #72AmberS on November 19, 2010 at 1:24 pm

    A-aa-aaa-AATCHOOO!

    cayenne pepper!?!

    At least my sinuses are cleared!



  73.  #73Love on November 19, 2010 at 1:48 pm

    Thank you for all this feedback!!! Cayenne pepper – lol

    I gave my speech. I set my boundaries, I trust my boundaries. His response was, “I feel my greatest mistake was to move away from you”. *Hmph. Whatever. I’m empowered. We’ll see what happens 🙂

    Going dancing tonight

    xo



  74.  #74Love on December 9, 2010 at 1:42 am

    Well…… Here I am again….. So… He decided to come back to California. He said, in order to do whatever he could to make things right with me, and blah blah blah. He arrives tomorrow. Something just didn’t feel right. Then he admitted tonight on the phone that b4 he left (and I was still in the GF trap) he kissed this other girl – twice. AHHHH!!! How could I ever trust this man again?! Now he’s moving back and saying all the right things and being honest now – but too little too late right?! Gosh. I had never felt so loved before he left and there was so much deception. Maybe I should check out the toxic section…. *sigh Thanks for the support Sirens.



  75.  #75Kris on December 9, 2010 at 5:58 am

    It is amazing what some say and do contradicting themselves – sometimes all in the same “sentence”.



  76.  #76momo on December 13, 2010 at 5:25 am

    hi rori , ive been reading your news letters , n they are very helpful . im married . ,,, long distance,waiting to move over with my husband who lives abraod. we had a n arranged marriage ..itll be a year this january, met my husband only a few times before he left . we talk on the phone … but he doesnt open up to me . have had several fights …always end up being hurt terribly…due to his total lack of interest or care .i dont call him now … cos whenever i did ,, he had a list of excuses for not taking my cal or even returning it .so i thought its better if he calls .feeling very bad ..so i let it out yesterday when i called him .. kind of happened on its own .. i just couldnt stuff it down or pretend anymore .and now i dont feel any thing at all. can u help me out .. cos i have no idea what to do now .we are just not connecting … and im afraid to go forward with him .hope ull answer ..n help me out to get a better understanding with my husband.



  77.  #77Rori Raye on December 14, 2010 at 9:00 am

    momo – So sorry – I have no experience with arranged marriage. Do you have to stay in it? Clearly, if he doesn’t want you – whatever makes you have to stay in the marriage? I have no idea why he married you, either. If this is a family matter – shouldn’t they be working this out for you? Love, Rori



  78.  #78katina on December 17, 2010 at 7:51 pm

    hello my problem is a whole a like this but with a different twist. i meet this guy and we have been talking on the phone, email, and IM just about everyday. he want to be with me and say that he loves me and that i will not have to worry about anything no more. my problem is i know i have feeling for him and want to be with him. but i’m having doubt that it work out because we have not spent that much time with him because of his job. i want to start a relationship with him and have new life. With me coming out of a long term relationship i doubt that i can give my all to another man and that is not ready to commit to me



  79.  #79Lonnie on December 19, 2010 at 12:24 pm

    Hi Rori,
    1st let me THANK YOU!!!! Your news-letters, videos, and blogs have helped me so much to move towards my goal of getting and keeping a healthy loving marriage.
    But… Once again i need your insight. I have been dating “B” for 10 months (a crush I’ve had since high school but never had the guts until recently to pursue.) in 3 months B is to enter the academy in another state 2.5hrs away. we sat down and talked about it … i would stay in nj while he was in the academy (6months) and when he got established with a job we would start looking for a home. we already agreed that 2 years from the start of us being exclusive (may 18th) that he would propose and i was satisfied with that … before reading this post. now i’m scared. i love him he’s perfect for me and i don’t want to lose what we have .
    HELP!!!! What do i do !!!!
    Lonnie



  80.  #80Tanny on January 12, 2011 at 1:12 am

    Hi Im new to this so bear with me. I met a man 3 months ago and we started a relationship very quickly. He swept me off my feet. He works away and I knew that. Near the mines in another state. He works for a month then has a week off. We had both been single for 5 years so this idea appealled to both of us. Also, 8 years ago we had met and started something but he ended it as we both had other complications in other elationships. He tells me how much he loves me with all his heart and talks of marriage and babies…but lately we’ve been arguing over the phone and he seems to want to control the conversations by telling me to shut the #### up!!!! I am not invested entirely emotionally in him so should I just get out now or maybe there might be a chance. We are both 42. Oh and he blames me for everything that goes wrong in the relationship. I know i should get out now…….but…….



  81.  #81Rori Raye on January 12, 2011 at 8:41 pm

    Tanny – I don’t know how often you see him …but so far, this isn’t a relationship at all….step one – YOU have the power to stop arguing.. . Basic 4 Rules in Have The Relationship You Want ebook! Crucial for you to take care of your part of this…so you can see what HIS abilities are clearly. Love, Rori



  82.  #82Tanny on January 25, 2011 at 3:21 am

    Thankyou Rori for responding I really appreciate it. To answer your question we see each other about once a month for 4 days for the last 3 months or so. Its not a lot but he calls and txts me every day. On the subject of him swearing at me, I told him if he ever said that to me again I would not see him again and he promised he wouldnt. On the arguing, I ignored him for 2 days and when he called and I finally answered we had the most amazing and calm conversation where I told him how I felt, what I wanted and I felt he really listened to me and respected me. I purchased your ebook a while ago and am keen to learn more from your programmes when able to purchase them. Thankyou so much for all your advice.
    Love Tanny



  83.  #83Susie on January 29, 2011 at 2:45 am

    Hi Rori,

    What would you do if you have a guy that lives on the other side of the ocean who tries to chat with you every day on facebook but makes no effort to even speak to you on the phone or via skype. Says he has a plane ticket bought to come to see me but the time is not right. He’s pretty intuitive and tells me ‘whatever you choose do not choose this’ (via email) when I started to lean back. Grateful for your advice. I intend to spend less time on facebook in any case!



  84.  #84Rori Raye on January 29, 2011 at 10:16 am

    Susie – I would consider that man to be nothing more than an illusion and perhaps a “pen pal.” Nothing more. Love, Rori



  85.  #85Jan on March 4, 2011 at 4:17 am

    Hi Rori

    I’ve been reading your emails for some time now and find them really useful – thankyou!

    At the beginning of 2010 I started a romance with a friend whilst on holidays back in our home town. He pursued me by phone and a dozen red roses for Valentines Day. In June 2010 he visited for 5 days and this cemented a mutual connection and for me wanting this to turn into a relationship. However he is in his final year of training to become a Sea Captain and is out at sea most of the time. In April he goes back to Uni which is about a 1 hour flight from where I live. Last October I called it off because he wasn’t stepping up to give me the commitment I was wanting and it was stopping me from meeting other guys. However his communication with me continues to confuse me and keep me interested. He says he isn’t trying to rekindle anything now but who knows where we are in the future?
    I really like this guy and see him as fanatstic husband material and this is why I am seeking your advice.
    I want him to step up and at the moment he’s just stepping sideways.

    Thanks, Janine



  86.  #86Femininewoman on March 4, 2011 at 5:39 am

    Jan it is not clear what you are asking.



  87.  #87Nomes on March 8, 2011 at 3:02 pm

    ….I think Jan is asking what she can do to encourage the SeaCaptain to step up and stop stepping sideways ….
    🙂



  88.  #88Tanny on March 21, 2011 at 3:17 am

    Hi Rori…I just finished watching both the siren and commitment blueprint programmes…fantastic!!! My long distance relationship with this man is in tatters though now. Its been 4 months and we see each other 1 week each month. Im fine with him being away as he had put marriage on the table or so I had trusted. I know i made a mistake the other night over the phone when I brought something up and bamboozled him with some fears and insecurities I had. Since then he has done nothing but try to argue with me over the phone. I would not buy into it and said I didnt want to argue and would hang up. He would then send me very nasty txt messages which I didnt respond to. I am leaning back and on my bridge but feel numb as yesterday he ended the relationship in a txt. He has finished with me without giving me a chance to respond to any of his hurtful txts or argumentative phone calls. Yes I am angry but trying my hardest to open my heart and have prepared a speech for when or if he calls me again. It goes like this…”I appreciate you and your hard work for us to move over with you and buy a house to be closer to you. I love you and want the relationship to work. I feel very hurt and saddened by your recent behaviour. I respect your decision to end the relationship and I will be ok.”

    Should I phone him to tell him this or is that leaning forward too much. Do I even bother at all as he appears to me to have a lot of toxic components…immaturity and unevolved, insecure and full of blame for me…everything is my fault to him. I kept this as short and precise as I could. Thanks for your help and I absolutely loved the programmes and spreading the word to all of my friends…..sincerely Tanny



  89.  #89Kris on March 21, 2011 at 3:32 am

    It is so difficult to lean back, Tanny. I feel that the best time to do so, however, is when it is the hardest. He feels he is right and he feels defensive, so I would try to let it go for awhile. I have had to do this myself in a long distance relationship, but it has paid off because cooling off leaves time for re-thinking for both.



  90.  #90Jan on March 21, 2011 at 9:49 pm

    Yes Nomes, that is what I was asking. I’m patiently waiting a response from Rori 🙂



  91.  #91exci on March 22, 2011 at 8:35 am

    hi rori,

    i really idolized you when you adviced! i love you.



  92.  #92NoMoreSwine on March 22, 2011 at 12:43 pm

    Okay, this is in addition to a post that is probably in the realms of being reviewed from “Marci”. I thought of something else I want to learn from. So the guy that drove 2 hrs to see me – and I was guarded b/c I thought I was being used/lied to but have no proof. Well, I didn’t say anything when he left like thanks for driving over, I had a really good time, nothing and when surprisingly he texted 2 days later to ask if I made it home safely- I only responded with a quick yes and when- nothing like thank you for asking, or I guess feeling would be –

    so – I know you say nothing a girl does can cause a guy not to call you correct? So I should not feel bad about not saying these things cause if he feels hurt or scared by this that is not my business right? However, for the next time, how would I resolve it ahead of time- should I have said, it doesnt feel good that you have to come so quickly and leave so quickly?? and if I am feeling used, do I still say the thank you for coming etc or what should I say -if I ever get into this situation again??
    Thanks!!



  93.  #93Dazzle on May 14, 2011 at 12:05 pm

    Dear Rori,

    I have been in a 1000 mile long distance relationship for 2 years now. He is a wonderful man and we love each other deeply. He is twice scorned of being cheated on by an ex and an ex-wife that broke him mentally and emotionally…..severely. Needless to say, it has been a road of gaining his trust, for commitment is a HUGE factor for him. He’s a true Cancer. Devotion is priority. Anyhow, during a conversation we were having, he stated that he is not stupid, for he knows that guys talk to me, but he had to work on his own insecurities to deal with it. I have been reading so many posts about how one would not ever get into a long distance relationship. Reading nothing but negative circumstances and outcomes. It will make any newcomer to this type of relationship run….FAST. I need to say – before I continue with my concern – is that not EVERY LDR is taboo. There are plenty of strong, dedicated, emotionally and mentally stable and mature adults that love and care enough about the relationship to allow it to flourish into something beautiful. And a great many are engaged and married today. So for those that have not been successful, you really need to examine your own personal situation and not be so quick to knock something that did not work for you. You cannot speak for all, so just stick to speaking for yourself. Whew! Alright, back to me 🙂 My Baby has admitted depression, that unfortunately proceeds after his mother (who still has it). “On top of him losing his businesses, infidelity, his car etc. he was already broken BEFORE I met him. He hurts and feels everything so deeply Rori. I do not have any regrets for becoming involved with him. We all have been let down and have lost something or someone in our lifetime. Who are we to judge? I have and still do my best to make him feel good about himself. I offer compliments, tell him everything is going to be alright. How good he makes me feel. He admitted that he used to roll his eyes -in a loving manner – at me because I always was so perky and optimistic. I didn’t know the true circumstances of his financial woes until our first year. He tried so hard to keep it from me because he didn’t want to appear weak to me. But when the cost of him flying up here once a month, sometymes twice, and spending money once here – that he did not have, really began putting him in a bind for he was so behind with important financial obligations. So I stepped up and offered to pay for the tickets, sending money for his bills etc. I thought that when two people are in a committed relationship, that they are to help each other. I didn’t think I was undermining his manhood, that I was being the leader and taking control of the relationship. I looked at him that I love him, he needed me and I wanted to help. So, I don’t offer to pay for anything anymore. He wants to be my provider, but with so many obstacles in his path right now…..he can’t. He was so sad when he asked me to start paying my portion of the phone bill (he placed me on his account after 3 months), and how he hated to ask me, because he is suppose to be able to take care of me. I told him I as well want to be taken care of, and he has been doing it to the best of his ability, however I understood his circumstances. Yes after a few months, he was ready and willing to relocate with me. The first visit here with me, he was blown away! He had the tyme of his life and does so each tyme he flies in to be with me. He was looking for jobs but no interviews followed. He became discouraged; I am a nurturer and after reading some of your newsletters, I realized that I had been pushing him to move, because I wanted us to be together so bad. I had been saying for months (within that first year) to just leave the stress and bills behind and just move in with me. He said he was raised to take care of a woman, to be the provider, and he has already been in a relationship where the woman carried the weight and the stress it caused. He will not go thru that again and he will not allow his burdens to become mine, that it would not be fair. Besides, we had already researched how much it would cost for him just to move his stuff up here. Not cheap; I admire him so much for grinding the way that he is to make ends meet. Just to survive you know? Yes, the distance is hard because here we are – two people in love and are miles away. He shows his love for me by his actions. We used to do the “I love you thing”, but one day he had a talk with me and said too many people say “I love you” just to be saying it. He said that when he says he loves me, he needs for me to FEEL it. Yet, he doesn’t expect nor want me to change who I am because I am a lovebug and I do express my love freely. I also learned that Cancer men are not very verbal with their emotions either. He told me out f the blue one day that he knows he has not been the best in showing me that he loves me, but he does and the love he has for me is so strong, that it catches him off guard sometymes. Cancers thrive on actions. Our circumstances has nothing to do with lack of trust, commitment or any of the other immature non-sense I have been reading. It’s strictly financial and I know in my heart, that if his finances were in stable order, he would be with me in a heartbeat. No, I have no intentions of moving where he is and yes I have talked to him about it way in advance. I don’t like his State and I happen to have a job and a place of my own. My Daddy taught me to never allow any man to prevent me from having a roof over my head, food on my table, shoes on feet, clothes on my back and the loss of my job/career. I hope you can gather that I am a pretty confident woman….which he loves by the way. My concern is his depression and the waiting on his finances to get in order. Yes I love him, however his mood swings get the best of me sometymes. He can be up one minute and down the next. He is very critical and seldom sees a positive outcome out of a situation. I feel because so much negativity has happened to him, he is guarded and cautious about how long any “good” can last. Lately, he has been working so many hours that we don’t talk like we used to. We haven’t seen each other in 8 months, for he had to take a trip to out of the country for 3 months to care for his father who is afflicted with cancer right now. So when he arrived back to the states, no job, no money and just complete grief and anxiety. So as of now, he is playing catch up on rent and back rent (he has a male roommate), working 15-16 hour days and sometymes weekends. It’s frustrating; However, I took a step back Rori. I stopped my emails, stopped being the one initiating contact by phone and text. He was used to all of the above and I was in denial that I had been the chaser instead of him. Once I stop chasing, he makes it a point to call me once a week. That’s the free tyme he has, yet he makes the tyme to reach out to let me know he’s still around – know what I mean? Now, that I have learned the Art of stepping back and stop being the “man” of the relationship. To stop doing, suggesting, offering help etc. and let him be the man he wants to be for me I need to know from you how can I communicate with him how much I miss him and still want him to move here with me….without pushing him away and making him feel that he is not making me happy. I do not bring up about him moving here anymore. I did slip up 2 months ago and started planning days he could come up here when I knew his job would be closed. He told me at that tyme, it is going to be awhile before he can come up here, for he is so behind still in everything. So I said ok and I thanked him for sharing. I think it caught him by surprise that I didn’t go into a discussion or acted as if it phased me. It did, but honestly, what was there or me to say? And I’m not the type of woman to play manipulator of ones emotions. He is happy when he hears I am happy. When he suspects I am not, if he hears that my answers don’t match my tone, he becomes defensive and says it’s his fault. Which leads into an argument and resentment and withdrawal etc. Again, he feels deeply. like when he told me how he was leaving the country for 3 months and he was afraid to tell me. I told him I didn’t understand because we are already miles away in the States and we are still together. Somehow, that conversation turned into 4 hours going back and forth with me asking if he was saying he wanted to break up. Rori, he was out of control. He said ” This is the excuse you were looking for to leave me huh?” I was like “Say whaaat????, you are the one telling me how we are not going to be able to talk and chat etc., for there is no technology for where he was going to be. You are talking to me as if I can’t go on and live” Rori? Why did I say that? He was livid and said I am the only one that brings up breaking up when we have a hiccup. I had enough, so I finally said that we might as well just call it an end. That was the longest silence I experienced in my life. He finally said in the lowest, hurtful voice “Is that what you really want?” I said “NO, knucklehead! I’ve been on this phone for 4 hours and I’m tired and ready for bed! You can’t seem to make your mind up, so I made it up for you.” Then he said that I was not listening to him, and that he never said he wanted us to break up. He was trying to express how he didn’t want to lose me and things are hard right now. Yes, he goes thru mazes, bends, bridges, down the street, under a tunnel and all around yonder, without being able to be direct with me of what he is really saying. Our communication is bad sometymes. I speak my emotions. He does not. If I feel it I say it. He keeps it inside. I think it would be selfish of me to let go of such a beautiful man, because he cannot provide for me and is miles away. What if he was here with me now? Would it be a different scenario? We love each other. Give me real talk Rori and not beat around the bush.



  94.  #94Jenny on July 1, 2011 at 3:27 am

    Hi Rori – I found your website, through some surfing. I’m sorry if my english aint good enough, since I’m from Sweden.

    Here is the short story: for many years I was emotionell dead – I have had such hard blow on my soul and heart. I had lost what I loved most. I can never ever work with animals with my hands as I want to. Sure I still have the skill and the knowledge, I still love animals – but I cant work with them as I want. I have damage my hand, so that as soon as I move my hands I get pain inside the hands. To work with animals was my passion. Everybody tried to tell me to find another job, find something else – why just stick to animals? And to me they said that I should give up my passion.
    In The real world, I cant find a middle road; its either to work with animals with my hands or its not. The damage to my hands is so big, that even cuddle to my cats can sometime be painfull.

    So to survive I turned of my feelings, the sorrow from the lost was too painfull. I had lost the power to do my passion becourse my body couldnt. I tried to compenses, to find middle road – maybe just work some hous a week…but in the end I just know there aint no middle, no comprimisse. My passion was to work with animals with my hands full time.
    I take guys break up and dump me 1000 times over and over again, I take cheating, anything…rather then to take the lost of my ability to work with my passion.
    When boys leaved me, sure I have cried, was broken, but I have allways get up, seen it as a lesson, learned, grow – I could allways seen it as it wasnt done to me personlly. Sure some of htem dumped me since I wasnt a “siren” and so, and yes I can admit I wasnt allways in my feelings – more in my head.

    I just keept falling deeper into sorrow, until I just turned off… I was “dead for many years. So about 2-3 years ago I moved home to my mother, got help and slowly started to remember how it was to have feeling. 6 month ago I was starting to feel alive again. 3 month ago I was alive enough to start wanting sex – I mean really feel how my body longed after sex with a man. I had been without sex with a man for allmost 6 years then.
    So I wanted sex, no feelings, course, well I didnt want to handle that, it was just enough to feeling lust – I just wanted sex, primitive casual sex, wanted to feel sexy, like an animal, pure lust.

    So I register on a website for ppl looking for just body conntact and as a woman on such site I got bombed by emails.

    And there was one boy, he didnt do as the other men, he showed a lot of patince, he asked questions about me, my inside, never tried to force me into something – he came with suggestions, and if I said no, he just accepted that. He gave away things about himself, his thoughts. So just by the emails and chatting, he gave a image of a man who cared about others, listen, had a lot of respect for others, he was stable in himself. But also had fears and longing, he dont want to be alone.
    I liked him, and I found myself open up to him, telling him my feelings, how he made me feel – and wow we connected – even if it was just online. I know from teh start he work in the military, and that he know that his work makes it hard to find a girl – and well I do understand that, during those 2 month I have starting to know him, he have sometimes just gone away from the surface of the earth, since he is working in one of swedish most secret force – so he cant tell me anything.
    Once he was gone 3 weeks – and well I keept on with my life, was on dates…and 🙂 I had sex. I had totelly forgot how good it feels to have a mans hands on my body, feeling wanted, sexy, alive :)))

    When he returned he was so afraid he had lost me, and that trip made him change his career, into something that make it easier for him to get a relationship with someone; and to be honest, even if I know he have been thinking on it for 6 month, I just know I was the siren who made him jump.

    We still havent meet, since he lives in another town, and today is a day we have spoken lighty about meet. I havent heard anyhing from him yet, about a week ago. I know deep inside, he is so afraid now, afraid to jump…so all I can do is be patience, calm, happy, send positive feelings to him. Be open to him to come. I try to do other things, think of other things – hard becourse its like he is in my head all the time, like he is calling.

    I know that whatever happens with this man, I will allways be thankfull to him, becourse so far he have giving me 2 gift:

    1; He showed me so clear what kind of quality I want a man to have – and that I can demand them. Even if it is just for sex – then even if it is just a man to meet for sex, I can demand to be treated in the right way for me. And that have helped me very much, ok I know those thing, but he made me see them so clear.

    2; The feeling I have for him, have open me up more for other feelings – feelings I had hidden deep inside myself. And they all is coming back to me, all at once…a little scary, and often heartbreaking, becourse I know facing my pain, my sadness I had turned of. I’m now healing myself from my lost. Learning to accept all my feelings, not fear them, let them come and wash over me. I’m starting to heal from my past. So in a way that man have been a very fast moving therapy for me. My feelings for him, made me open for me to heal myself from within, by myself. I’m not heeling becourse of my feelings for him, but becourse from the fact that I did feel something for him.

    Now I’m feelin curious of what else he can give me 🙂

    Now to the questions:

    A. I’m still feeling a little stupid to write feelings online…first I’m still learning to open up and share my feelings. And it feels a littel stupid to do it by chatt, when he cant see noir hear my voice. So what does you think about that? Or does man get feelings even if it is just written?

    B. I know the one hour rule in first date…but hmm what about a man flying far away to meet me. I mean I feel stupid to just give him one hour date that day, then let him be alone in a city he never been in. Or shoud I give him an hour, make attempt to leave, and see if he makes the effort to make me stay longer with him? Argh it feels kind of hard to just be with him an hour, when I know he have travel so long, when I know he hope to spend longer time with me. And what do I say? “Sorry but I dont have time with you anymore, have other plans” ?



  95.  #95carol osment on July 5, 2011 at 3:04 pm

    im in love with this guy i know mostly everything about him and he does me he re-tweets every thing that i tweet him saying the exact thing that i m sayin does he love me cause of him re-tweetin everything back example (i tweet him sayin i love him and he re-tweets it back 2 me) does he love me .Im just 21 yrs old & so is he .His b-day is same as mine & so is the year & everything we have . We have in common



  96.  #96Milla on August 2, 2011 at 2:41 am

    Hi Rori,
    i met someone like 8 months ago.
    when we first met we both didnt want to go with the relationship but we kept on dating & eventually Opposites attract!
    it was a long distance relationship & recently he moved to a very far place but we r still in touch all the time.
    he visits 3 times per year.
    i love him so much although we never went romantic.
    but my problem is he is scared of commitments. commitments in everything… not only marriage.
    i dont want to leave the man… he is my perfect match.
    but i am too attached to him & i want him to make a step! any step!
    HELP!



  97.  #97berlyn on August 5, 2011 at 10:36 am

    hi Rori, am in a long distance relationship and have been for 7months but am not sire where we are headed…he doesn’t trust me at all but keeps saying he loves me so much and is waiting for me. i love him to bits but then my family is against the relationship as he is 17years older than me and has got kids…is it worth the wait or should i call it quits?? HELP



  98.  #98berlyn on August 5, 2011 at 10:41 am

    Hi, i am in a long distance relationship with this guy i love to bits but the thing is his ex is in the picture and he talks about her all the time since he is the mother to his kids so he uses it as an excuse..my friends say am a fool coz i am being blinded by this man but the thought of the good times we had just can’t enable me to forget him and i am even planning on going to see him soon…help pliz



  99.  #99natalie on August 23, 2011 at 1:59 pm

    Hi. I’ve read the article to try to find the answers to my situation.
    I am in a long distance relationship. It just started right before he has to go away to another country. And now we are miles away from each other. we talk online almost every day but he never calls. He promises to come back but i am not really sure he will. When i ask him to come and see me at least for some days before he will come back, he says “yes” but during 1 year still didnt come even once…I now we are quite far away, he is in US, i am in UK… I was asking him many time if he really want to come back and will come back and he says always “yes” I will never lie to you. So i am confused and my frustration is just killling me. I try to socialise but still he is in my mind and back in my head i’m waiting for him … (((. Please advise what to do?
    Thank you



  100.  #100Megan on October 16, 2011 at 1:20 pm

    Hi Rori and all other Sirens,

    I recently got back from a yr long stay in New Zealand. I am from the US. I met a really nice English guy while there and we became exclusive and started living together ( I know it’s best to CD but I knew it was temp and I thought this was best @ the time, whilst living abroad).

    We both agreed, upfront, that when I returned home (since my visa expired before his) that it was essentially over and we would remain good friends. If our paths crossed at some point in the future, then we’d deal with it then.

    We were living together for 6 mos and I began to realize that he wasn’t capable of relationship at this point in his life – we are both very young – he 22, me 25.

    Of course (you saw this coming) now that I’m back home the line b/n “friends” and more than friends is blurry and I’ve already felt upset, insecure, and hurt by some things that have popped up.
    So clearly I can’t handle it and I don’t know that he could either.

    So my question is, we both love eachother very much, and while it is evident that he is not capable of doing relationship now I feel that one day he very well could be.
    I know not to wait, I know to CD. but since I can’t CD with him and trying to be just friends isn’t working, what do I do?
    Do I have to cut him out completely?
    Is it ok to contact sparingly? what’s sparingly?
    Please help, I really did consider him a best friend and he is such a capable, inspiring person. He has many qualities I would like to emulate and he gives good advice and is all-around very positive and uplifting.
    I really don’t want to lose him from my life and also I was really looking forward to visiting him in England as well as him visiting me here.
    Would this be possible or is this a recipe for heart-ache?
    I feel anxious waiting for your response.
    love Megan



  101.  #101Femininewoman on October 16, 2011 at 1:25 pm

    ((((((((((((((((Hugs))))))))))))))))) Megan. You made an agreement and it is now time to honor that. I would totally let go. Holding on will serve you no good purpose plus you are in two differrent countries. If he wants you he will find a way to come to you.



  102.  #102stargirl on October 16, 2011 at 9:35 pm

    Megan,

    I’ve tried to stay friends in a similar situation. It was just left in a cycle of those bad feelings the whole time, and it made it impossible for me to move on. As you said, “it is evident that he is not capable of doing relationship now.” So even though you may want to give him hope and keep the friendship going, it sounds like it will only be heartwrenching, and for what? Someone who is not even mature enough or in the right place for a relationship anyway? Sometimes the timing just isn’t right.



  103.  #103Megan on October 17, 2011 at 9:32 am

    thanks a lot FW and stargirl.

    this is not what I had in mind but heartache isn’t either…
    Rori’s post today about making peace with grief and goodbyes is right on.
    I feel loved from your responses and hugs 🙂 <3
    it feels good knowing I have cyber friends to turn to for support as I know this will not be easy for me

    I am commenting under the blog "Creating Speeches…" under the Speeches category if you would like to help me with that I'd feel very appreciative and less anxious!

    stargirl- that damn timing, it isn't fair!!



  104.  #104amber1995 on October 21, 2011 at 5:06 pm

    plz help me ! my boyfriend james and i have been engaged for all most a year now and next week makes a year that we have been together and 10 months that we have been engaged . he moved to holdton beach , north carolina all most a month ago , and at fisrt he was texting me ever day telling me good morning and i love and good night and stuff but it started slowing down to here when i texted him he wouldnt repond back and he hasnt tryed to get in contact with me in almost 3 weeks now . what should i do help me !!!!



  105.  #105Ang on December 13, 2011 at 9:12 pm

    Hello all you fellow LDR divas, and hello Rori. I can so resonate with many of your posts. Why is it that we get so wrapped up in the uncertainty of a situation that we cannot see the forest for the trees. And overcoming the fears and insecurities is like swimming to the surface with a rock tied around your waist. Every now and then you get a burst of positive energy, swim to the top for a breath and suddenly you’re drowning again. I’m getting better and better at focusing on the most important thing…ME. But why is it SO hard to stay in that confident worthy place??
    I could tell you all about my 4 year on and off relationship with a guy who claims to love me more than anything, but always seems to have some sort of contact with other women in the background. And you would tell me to pull my head out of my ass and move on. My question is how does one wipe their eyes and see clearly their own self worth so that it’s easy to walk away?? I am anxious, I’m borderline obssessed, heartbroken, and very wary, yet I cannot seem to just give up.
    I’m so afraid to stand for what I deserve for fear that I won’t get it…. such a powerless feeling. How do I pluck my power out of his hands and hold it firmly in my own? At the end of the day, all the crap we go through and put up with really has NOTHING to do with these men, it’s about us.
    I think Circular Dating is easier said than done… it’s hard to open yourself up to other men when your heart is set on one guy…I feel like I’m so fixated on the love and committment we once had and I so desperately want it back that and I don’t know how to get there.
    Has anyone come to that place where they could see the guy for what he truly is and walk away without looking back?? Please tell me how!



  106.  #106Megan on December 14, 2011 at 5:33 pm

    Ang,

    I was once where you were about a yr a half ago and I know exactly how you feel and I can say that it’s NOT as hard as you think. You CAN be that woman.
    For me, I took drastic measures by travelling to the other side of the world. I’d say first and foremost distance yourself from him, I understand you have a job/home/fin obligations but if you can physically get out even if just a day trip, I find the novelty of new places/faces does wonders.
    If you can’t leave, like I couldn’t, try to switch up as many things as possible. Even the tiniest, most mundane seemingly-nothing habit counts – you want to create new neural pathways.
    DIG IN to Rori’s work. I spent hours just reading and re-reading. Let it all sink in and put it to work, baby-step by baby-step.
    I don’t know the day the turnaround began for me but positive male attn does help to facilitate the change from who-would-want-me to diva.
    Do whatever you can to make yourself feel girly and hot, whatever that means for you, do it.
    I received a lot of support from a lot of great women on here, Simply Shannon, Tinque, Daria, others I can’t remember right now.
    I’m sure there’s something you’ve always been interested in, even if just a tad, google it, get into it. If you distract your brain with so many new, exciting things you have no room for the hurt, literally, Rori talks about crowding it out with new thoughts.
    I remember buying a paperweight at the Hallmark card store that spoke to me, it said “it’s your thing, do what you wanna do”. This is your perfect opportunity to really uproot your life and everything you don’t like about it. Start designing the life of your dreams and see how quick the pain that is him will fade away.

    I feel like i’ve written a book but I hope this helps. the other sirens on here are great, you are not alone. **big hugs**



  107.  #107LISAOR on March 11, 2012 at 10:17 am

    I think that long distance relationships can work but can also be be very difficult and painful. I just ended a six month long cross country relationship. It got to the point where it felt like the work to keep things going was outweighing the happiness of being together. It also seemed like it was very hard for the relationship to move forward being so far apart. We emailed, phoned and visited every couple of months. But, it really was not enough. The visits were great but the time apart felt pretty lonely.

    I am planning on moving to the east coast (which is where he lives) but since I do not know when that will be (due to the current job market) it seemed best to end things for now. We left the door open to date again once we are living on the same coast. Maybe it will work then but while I am open to that I know I can’t count on it.

    To be honest, in hind site I think that maybe it would have been better for us to not have started dating until we were on the same coast to begin with. It could have been better to stay in touch just as friends until we could be living closer to each other. But then again hindsite is 20/20. All I can say is that LDRs can work but are really very hard.



  108.  #108Monica on November 23, 2012 at 9:03 pm

    My boyfriend lives in NV. I moving to Cali. I I came back to Wisconsin ti be with my kids. I he understood the but refuses to move here. I got upset and broke it off in anger, and and now he’s telling me he doesn’t know if he wants a commitment with me. He was my best friend for 3 years. And now I barely hear from him. My heart aches and I long to be with him. I hate how things have gone. I’ve tried to date and I can’t because I love him so much. I’ve done everything I can to move on and I can’t. I can’t move with Jim either right now because my children are young. Please help.



  109.  #109Rori Raye on November 24, 2012 at 11:00 am

    Monica – Here’s the issue: ” I’ve tried to date and I can’t because I love him so much.” As long as you decide that this is “true” – that’s where you’ll stay. As soon as you decide to “choose” another attitude like “As much as I feel love for him, this isn’t working out, and so perhaps he’s not the man for me and perhaps there’s another man who lives near me who’d be a much better match for me” your love life will change. Can’t tell you the outcome of the second attitude, should you make that choice – but I can sure tell you the outcome of the attitude you’re choosing now. Love, Rori



  110.  #110Kathy on November 30, 2012 at 2:15 pm

    Hi everyone,

    I find this article interesting because I just started talking to a man who is in the military. He is currently in Germany but will be coming to the states to live in Florida. He says he has done all of his traveling and the base they are sending him to does not deploy unless he chooses to go. I am circular dating and decided to include him in the mix because he has what I’m looking for. He to wants to get married. I did tell him right off the bat that I could not do long distance unless marriage was on the table and that if I was to move to him that a ring must be on my finger. He agreed to all of this so we set a time line of giving each other a year to know each other and move on if we do not see a future with one another. I personally feel good about this because all of the boundaries and expectations have been put on the table. The one thing we did debate about was the not being exclusive until there is a ring on my finger. He stated that he understands where I am coming from but says he could not propose or take a girl seriously if she could not commit to him. I tend to have to agree with him. I know you talk about exclusivity all the time and this is the part that always confuses me because I tend to think the same way as him. I personally would not ask someone to marry me if I knew there were others. It would not make me feel special in their life.



  111.  #111Rori Raye on November 30, 2012 at 2:23 pm

    Kathy – about exclusivity – this is up to you. If a man is doing everything right, and moving everything along in a way that feels good, and staying in contact…they I see no reason to say no to him about exclusivity after a reasonable length of time (“just starting talking to a man” doesn’t fit that qualification, as far as I’m concerned…). Love, Rori



  112.  #112Kathy on November 30, 2012 at 2:39 pm

    Thank you Rori for getting back to me so quickly. I completely agree with what you are saying. I was thinking that like you are saying that if he has been taking large strides in getting to know me as in coming to see me or calling when he says and being dependable then I would be willing to be exclusive. Thank you Rori! I would just like to add since I have started using your find Mr. Right program the conversation with men has totally done a 180! Either the guys love talking about marriage and the future or they don’t and just disappear. I love talking to men now and feel more confident everyday.