Stop “Doing” So Love Can HAPPEN

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I’ve been asked so much about my “smallest” program – Heart Connection Toolkit – because it doesn’t get promoted much and doesn’t seem to fit in any “category as my other programs do – so here’s some info on it and what it does (it’s really all about confidence, self-esteem, faith and hope).

We often spend so much time trying to cultivate our love relationship with a man, that we neglect the relationship we have with our core self – and that ends up making us LESS attractive, less powerful and feminine, and actually pushes a man away.

We women have all been taught to obsess about how to get closer with a man, how to talk to him, how to get him to give us what what we need.

And that just doesn’t work.I know it NEVER worked for me, and every client who comes to me is reeling from the awfulness of being stuck in this path of focusing on a man and a relationship, until they finally had enough of the damage it’s done to their love life and found me and this work we’re doing together.

Do you do this, too?

So when things aren’t working, do you feel resentful and worn out?

The truth is that you should not put out ANY effort trying to make a relationship happen with a man.

You need to stop DOING.

Stop trying to initiate closeness, affection, or conversations, or intimacy. Stop asking him to do things or asking him to make us feel better about things.

That relationship has to happen naturally and effortlessly BECAUSE OF you loving YOURSELF. It’s then and only then that a man can love you – but you need to love yourself first.

Your man cannot truly love you if you’re not loving yourself. Yes, it can happen sometimes- but that’s when love feels like pain.

When you don’t love yourself, and you depend on a man loving you in order to feel OK, love can feel like a constant struggle. That’s also when we feel the “drama” of pining for a man who is always just one step away from us, and never fully with us.

When you learn to love yourself and cultivate a good relationship with your self, you begin to break free of those habitual patterns that are keeping you stuck in painful relationships.

Habitual patterns can be changed. You CAN create new neuropathways in the brain – there’s research now that proves it.

All it takes is REPETITION…repetition of new thoughts and of new, positive, healthy coping habits.

With my Heart Connection Toolkit, there’s a  “plan” (this is the program where the images of riding your horse across the landscape of your life come from…and all the “Body Dialogues.” And that plan is to help you develop those new patterns of thinking and developing a better relationship with yourself.

If you really believe that you’ll never get love from the man you’re with, or never find true and lasting love with ANY man, Heart Connection Toolkit will help you break through those negative thought patterns.

The idea of the “Toolkit” is to help you nurture that relationship with yourself, help you feel better about yourself, and help you eliminate the thoughts and self-judgments that are creating “stories” inside you.

Those stories you’re telling yourself- that you’re never going to find a man you’re attracted to that will want a relationship with you, or that every man you love will ultimately leave – those stories come across as neediness, defensiveness and “drama” to a man and actually repel him.

My Toolkit will help you stop the stories. It’s the only program where you don’t have to DO anything except put in the CD and listen to my voice – guiding you, creating visualizations, cheering you on, and putting healthy thoughts in where the old “stories” used to be.

The more you listen, the better you feel about yourself.

You can read more about it on the Toolkit page here->

Love, Rori

Posted in


  1.  #1Femininewoman on September 12, 2011 at 7:16 am

    I will I will I will

  2.  #2Femininewoman on September 12, 2011 at 7:19 am

    “Those stories you’re telling yourself- that you’re never going to find a man you’re attracted to that will want a relationship with you, or that every man you love will ultimately leave – those stories come across as neediness, defensiveness and “drama” to a man and actually repel him.”

    It is amazing to me that other human beings can be aware of the stories I am telling myself in my head. I am so open to trying something new just to prove if this theory does work.

  3.  #3Daria on September 12, 2011 at 7:28 am

    yayyyy Rorii

  4.  #4DE on September 12, 2011 at 7:32 am

    Great post…just at the right time…I feel better and hopeful just reading it…thank u Rori!

    warm hugs,

  5.  #5Daria on September 12, 2011 at 7:50 am

    mmm ive been blessing my water from my heart – thank you Daria – before drinking… and it feels so peaceful and wonderful

    thank you thank you

  6.  #6Femininewoman on September 12, 2011 at 7:55 am

    I have a terrible history with men. Should I be honest about it? I’m afraid it will scare men away.

    If you want to have a truly honest and intimate relationship with a man it is important that you share your true self with him. So, yes, you should be honest about your history, BUT there is the right time and wrong time to do this.

    When you are just starting a new relationship, it’s definitely NOT the time to talk about your past. Just imagine, you’ve been on two or three dates with a man and you begin telling him about all the men you dated before him. It can be overwhelming, especially if you are telling him about more than two or three.

    Another reason not to talk about the past too soon in a new relationship is that it can be confusing to a man. When you talk about your past experiences, you’re sharing information about yourself as you were 15, 10 or even 1 year ago. You are no longer that person! A man needs to get to know who you are now, not who you were. It’s important that he keeps his awareness of you in the present moment; that will create the foundation you need for the relationship to grow.

    Once you are in a committed, monogamous relationship, you can begin to share your past experiences. At this point, he will already be secure in his feelings for you and have a good idea of who you are. Your “terrible history” will not shake him because you are now a couple that is grounded in the present.

    Now be careful; how you express yourself can make a big difference in how your history is received.

    When you tell your personal stories you don’t want to portray yourself as a victim — blaming the men you dated for causing all your problems. An attitude of complaining about the “bad” things men did to you will not help your new man know you better.

    Instead, you need to share with him the lessons you learned along the way, and how each difficult experience made you a better woman. That will give him a real insight into who you are and show him that you are able to take responsibility for choices.

    As you expose him to your trials and tribulations of the past, you will find it will create a deeper sense of intimacy between the two of you. Your honesty will touch him and may even encourage him to open up himself at a deeper level than he has before.

    Instead of your boyfriend running scared, you will find that your sharing will only cause him to love you more.

    If you need more support with this or any relationship problem, take advantage of my 30-MINUTE NO CHARGE PHONE CONSULTATION.

    I’m thrilled to be connecting with you here. If you have a question you would like to see answered, please send it to me. I welcome your questions and your thoughts.

    In the meantime don’t forget, things can change in an instant, don’t lose hope!


    Virginia Feingold Clark

  7.  #7Femininewoman on September 12, 2011 at 7:59 am

    Femininity and masculinity.

    Whatever the belief system, whatever the cultural trappings, even under a full burqa there is a woman whose femininity is defined EXACTLY THE SAME as for any woman anywhere else.

    We’ve been all over Asia, South America, Europe and even “Down Under”…yet despite what we may have been led to believe about masculinity and femininity being “cultural stereotypes”, you just can’t deny how UNIVERSAL the language of sexual polarity is.

    Femininity is what attracts masculinity, and vice-versa. And the fact that the phenomenon transcends culture must mean that there’s really, truly something to it.

    It’s indescribable and mysterious, maybe…but very real.

    And for what it’s worth, YES. You CAN embrace the joyful, life-giving, nurturing, playful womanly spirit within you that makes life so meaningful for BOTH genders.

    And you can do so without somehow sacrificing your sense of personal power and/or self-worth.

    Neither femininity nor masculinity are the “higher” calling. Each brings it’s respective gifts to make the world a better place.

    And if you want a masculine man, it’s your femininity that will attract him. That’s true wherever in this whole wide world you may be reading this message from.

    Have a great week, ladies. Enjoy the heck out of being a woman and charm the guys’ socks off. They’ll love you for it!

    Have Fun,

    Emily McKay

  8.  #8Daria on September 12, 2011 at 8:12 am

    thank you Daria for doing my workout

    omg! feels so good

  9.  #9Daria on September 12, 2011 at 8:13 am

    I am loving myself and the amazing care im taking of my body thank you thank you thank you Daria

  10.  #10Emerson on September 12, 2011 at 8:27 am

    I joined another dating site. I am doing an experiment. hee hee…I feel excited.

  11.  #11Femininewoman on September 12, 2011 at 8:46 am

    In my experience, most women experience at least one truly debilitating relationship, full of poor treatment, criticism, neglect, and downright abuse.
    Oh, I’m not talking about with a man…

    I’m talking about something MUCH worse than an exploitive, disrespectful relationship with a man.

    Most women have these kinds of relationships with something far more dangerous than any man… they have it with themselves!

    If you’re constantly working against yourself – never feeling enough, never giving yourself a break, and never truly enjoying your life because it just never “measures up” to what it’s “supposed to be,” then you’ve got a big relationship problem, my dear.

    With yourself… and (you don’t need me to tell you) this hurts all of your relationships with everyone else, virtually guaranteeing you can’t be happy with any man (because we attract people who treat us the way we treat ourselves! Gulp…)

    Have no fear – there’s hope. Join an amazing free teleclass with some incredible friends of mine who’ve helped over 10,000 women heal their “inner mean girls.” It’s this Wednesday, and it will change your life and your relationships. Learn all about it, or register (before it fills up!) by going here now:

    Click here to discover how to (finally!) stop being so hard on yourself:

  12.  #12Femininewoman on September 12, 2011 at 8:57 am

    It starts with CHOOSING to live from your DREAM of how you want the relationship to be, and having that wonderful, loving vision be your guide and determine your behavior.

    So all of your reactions come from your highest ideals, and are NOT in response to his lowest, basest fears… It starts with YOU not FEEDING his fears by giving them your power.

    In other words, if he’s reactive and angry, you can’t be reactive or angry back. If he’s moody, you can’t be moody back. If he criticizes you unfairly, you mustn’t criticize him back.

    Think about it – doing such things would be as though you were BOTH in his sand box throwing wet hunks of sand at each other, hitting each other over the head with your plastic buckets, and beating each other about the neck and shoulders with your shovels.

    That got old in nursery school!

    No, you have to be “bigger” than that. You have to be willing to stop flinging sand, put down your plastic weapons and dig up all of YOUR land mines FIRST.

    That doesn’t mean you have to calmly take his bad treatment. Please don’t. In fact, stop taking his bad treatment entirely…

    Huh? How is that possible that I just said that? Didn’t I just tell you to let him do whatever he wanted and be loving? No, I said don’t JOIN in his immature, little kid tantrum. In other words, don’t let him goad you into being a brat, too.

    Don’t let him have so much POWER that you’d be anything less than gracious, wise, and loving.

    Then how do you stop taking his bad treatment?

    Easy – just like with little kids, when he’s not kind or respectful, you give him a TIME OUT. You let him know you can’t be with him when he’s not nice, but that you’d be happy to hear him out when he can behave (okay, maybe don’t say it like that – he’ll be EXTRA difficult if you talk to him like he’s a child – keep that little idea to yourself!).

    Then, since he’s not YOUR kid, and you can’t give him a “time out” by putting him in his “naughty spot” or sending him to his room (things he’d maybe like anyway), you can only take care of yourself, so you give him a time out by taking away YOUR time.

    That’s right, YOU LEAVE.

    Go for a jog, take the dog for a walk, go see a friend…Once he sees that you won’t put up with his (FILL IN THE BLANK) behavior, he may get even more difficult to deal with AT FIRST.

    But, deep down he’ll respect you for it. And, if your relationship is workable, he’ll STOP acting like such a child because you’ll have shown him he can’t get away with it and still have YOU…Here’s why… It’s no fun for him to behave like a little kid when his best friend (that would be YOU) has taken their toys and gone “bye-bye!” I promise.

    You’ll have shown him that you only deal with grownups, so when he’s around you he may just start acting like one.

    They did this not by changing their men, but by changing THEMSELVES which, in turn, had the magical, miraculous outcome of inspiring their men to change for the better, too.

    Changing THEMSELVES didn’t mean they couldn’t BE themselves, or that they had to suddenly CATER to whatever the man wanted. Not at all. In fact, if you lower yourself to kiss the feet of an immature, “star-crossed” man who treats you poorly, he’ll have less respect – and less love and kindness – for you than ever.

    No, you stay in your positive, powerful, womanly strength and give him a “time out” if he’s rude, cruel, overly critical, defensive, belligerent, yelling, giving you the “silent treatment,” or anything else that feels like punishment…

    Over and over women have told me, to their AMAZEMENT, how easy this is – how, once they’re willing to stop fighting back and instead set healthy boundaries and honor themselves FIRST, they find it’s astonishingly simple to shift their relationship from one of tension and hostility and pain, to one of peace and harmony and joy.

    Carol Allen

    All they needed was to KNOW HOW.

    This is why this has been the most satisfying part of the work that I do, and why it’s my favorite chapter of the book.

    Women who’ve even had THERAPISTS tell them to leave their men and break up their families have been able to heal their heartbreaking, debilitating dynamics DRAMATICALLY.

  13.  #13Esteemed on September 12, 2011 at 8:59 am


    I love you! Thank you for making such a huge difference in my life! I can’t wait til I can afford some more of your programs…or better yet, one of your classes. In the meantime, I intend to give myself a refresher on the programs I already have.

    Love, Brenda

  14.  #14faith on September 12, 2011 at 9:01 am


    “Those stories you’re telling yourself- that you’re never going to find a man you’re attracted to that will want a relationship with you, or that every man you love will ultimately leave – those stories come across as neediness, defensiveness and “drama” to a man and actually repel him.”

    **** this is EXACTLY how i feel!! I am still dwelling on my ex (ended 4months ago) and these stories are exactly what I tell myself over and over again. I feel depressed and devastated AND on top of everything i feel worse b/c he hasnt even tried to contact me in any way – so that makes me feel these things even more b/c I try to find answers on WHY he hasnt called me..

  15.  #15Femininewoman on September 12, 2011 at 9:08 am

    From a client of Andrea Albright
    “Today I woke thinking: I get to be nice to
    myself today!! I am going to stop and pause
    to ask myself what I REALLY am needing, what
    makes me happy and what makes me feel good!
    I am going to do good things for me and my
    family today! Breath of fresh air! No rules
    and restrictions…just fresh air and beautiful
    food and happy feelings!! :Doing GOOD things
    for my body and spirit!!”:

  16.  #16Esteemed on September 12, 2011 at 9:14 am


    I haven’t had much time or internet access to write lately. A few threads ago, you left me a comment bout commitment to change and sabotaging myself. I am committed to change and I don’t think I’m sabotaging myself. I think it has more to do with the challenge of deep inner changes, like what Rori says here about reprogramming neural pathways. Two years of learning from Rori seems like a long, long time to be making the same mistakes. I myself often feel frustrated with my process. So I can surely understand the frustration of others. 🙂

    Yet I know in my heart I am baby stepping and I feel my progress at many moments of self-reflection. I think I am going to get heart connection when I can to hypnotize myself at night when I sleep!

    45 years of the wrong programming takes some deep efforts to correct! I’m just an old chunk of coal, but I’m gonna be a diamond someday! 🙂

  17.  #17Femininewoman on September 12, 2011 at 10:16 am

    ” I feel uncomfortable leading. It feels better to be a girl.” Love, Rori

    Tuesday, 1 September 2009 @ 12:33pm

  18.  #18Wildflower on September 12, 2011 at 10:24 am

    I am gonig to listen to this over and over. This post describes exactly how I’m feeling. I was just on eharmony and feeling so triggered. I updated my profile the other day and now I noticed this one particular guy I dated (and had a thing for) updated what he’s looking for in a woman. I feel sooo triggered since he told me he was planning to quit eharmony. I can’t help but wonder if he’s playing games and I feel irritated at myself for even wondering. The thing is I get that it doesn’t matter if he is or if he isn’t. I don’t want to think about him. I know that the time we were together he only dropped hints about us or kind of vaguely eluded to things and I want somebody who is more direct. I still feel so angry and sad. I love my anger and sadness….actually I don’t I am SICK of writing that…but I intend to heal. My anger feels like a giant lump in my throat. I want to SCREAM I feel so pissed off right now. It would feel so nice to be open and honest about what I want….and feel confidant I will get it.

  19.  #19AmazingMe on September 12, 2011 at 10:32 am

    So true! Thanks Rori I believe I am taking steps on healing this part 🙂

  20.  #20AmazingMe on September 12, 2011 at 11:35 am

    Remember the ick guy about the whole making him want to spend money on me. He keeps trying to contact me he text me twice now saying…yooo..I just been ignoring him. I don’t owe him anything and I don’t even like this guy’s attitude!

  21.  #21AmazingMe on September 12, 2011 at 11:36 am

    I always try to be nice I am tired of putting a man’s feelings before my own. I am not gonna! Not this time!

  22.  #22AmazingMe on September 12, 2011 at 11:38 am

    Then he called once and I didn’t answer, I am in pain today on top of other things. I am just not in the mood to deal with it!

  23.  #23Senior Lady Vibe on September 12, 2011 at 11:40 am

    Hello world, I’m thankful for everything. It’s funny how things work out sometimes…

    I’m “doing” a lot of “doing” but it’s for myself… Yay!!!
    OK, well, I share some too…

    I’ll read Rori’s post in a minute.


  24.  #24Emoticon on September 12, 2011 at 11:55 am

    Sometimes i feel like Rori is watching me or something because her posts are always just what I need for what is going on in my life right now. Hmmm… Its crazy lol. No more doing Emoticon…. NO MORE.

  25.  #25Senior Lady Vibe on September 12, 2011 at 11:55 am

    @20: AmazingMe says:
    “… Remember the ick guy about the whole making him want to spend money on me…”

    I remember, and I’ve been pondering this, not just him but this situation which is something I’m now exploring and figuring out. I’m seeing this as a lack of understanding of courtship ritual.

    I intend to create a tool for myself to deal with this… similar to having a “no girlfriend” type speech tucked away for the right time. Working on it…

    Thanks for sharing your experience.



  26.  #26Emoticon on September 12, 2011 at 11:57 am

    and i did realize my ex (who did nothing more than walk me to my apt off campus while we were together) was suddenly cooking for me and comforting me in my sadness among other stuff now that I have shifted my vibe and stopped asking him for anything or for help with anything. Saturday was doing nothing more than being, and he was doing everything else!

  27.  #27Senior Lady Vibe on September 12, 2011 at 12:28 pm

    Whoa, Nellie… I’m on my horse… and she… I thought horse was a “he.” But maybe it’s a “she!” Who knows… maybe doesn’t matter. I like the idea of faithful stallion but the curly mane looks kind of girly… and cute.

    Galloping full out. What a surprise. Should have known.

    I’m not even in the saddle; I’m flying in the air hanging onto curly mane…

    Not “whoa”… it’s “ohhhh…” going to keep moving. OMG!

    Sweetie Babe… meet me at the vortexxxxx…


  28.  #28Lyka on September 12, 2011 at 12:58 pm

    SLV, you typed all that while horseback riding????

  29.  #29Senior Lady Vibe on September 12, 2011 at 1:48 pm

    @28: Lyka says:
    “…SLV, you typed all that while horseback riding????…”

    Yes, I took my laptop on wild horse ride but I’m holding on tightly. :LOL:



  30.  #30AmazingMe on September 12, 2011 at 2:18 pm

    @25 yes SLV that would be good here, I know there are a lot of tools I could use here. I never did respond. Let me know what clever idea you come up with! I would be interested to hear!

  31.  #31Senior Lady Vibe on September 12, 2011 at 2:45 pm

    @30: AmazingMe says:
    “… I know there are a lot of tools I could use here. I never did respond….”

    This is going to take a while because I might want to “recycle” some guys. hahaha. I don’t want to play teacher but I wouldn’t mind them teaching themselves as I go on my way (horsie and I) minding my own business and minding my boundaries.

    This is a mindset issue… as most things are. For some men chivalry is not only dead, they never learned what it was, nor any gentlemanly manners. I want to explore more to see who these guys are… maybe it’s a cultural snag in some parts.

    I might start as DE mentioned in a post… asking him what he’s thinking when he made that remark,,, question,,, etc. It’s difficult to think of a grown man assuming a woman would want to spend her time with a stranger for the sole purpose of obtaining a “free coffee and cupcake” and that receiving such would be ill-gotten gain.


  32.  #32Ella on September 12, 2011 at 2:45 pm

    Just did my last cleaning shift today… so tired again.

    That is it for me now… no more crazy work hours and full on days.

    I am making it my business to absolutely do less from here on in.

    I am so sick of feeling drained and dog tired because of too much work.

  33.  #33Ella on September 12, 2011 at 2:52 pm

    FW re 12

    Wow – v cool!

  34.  #34alias girl on September 12, 2011 at 3:01 pm

    #27 SLV 😀 ride on!

  35.  #35luzydel on September 12, 2011 at 3:34 pm

    This is one reason I enjoy dating myself, more than anyone else. I feel so recharged when I go out or stay in, doing something nice just for me…

    Another reason I am learning to appreciate the nice guys now…men like “Mr.NiceCD” who impress me with their constancy. who knows what will happen, I have choices, but this time I want to be surprised. Sometimes NV’s try to sabotage me, but I am in a better place now.

  36.  #36Camille on September 12, 2011 at 3:42 pm

    I am so angry……….so mad
    sometimes I wonder……….
    who in the h*ll does he think he is “superman”

    Oooh I want to say mean things to him, I want to put him in his place, I want to tell him exactly what I think at this very moment…………

    I love my anger
    I love how passionately pissed I get
    I love that I am venting on the blog
    instead of screaming and being dramatic
    I love that I can expel this and feel this and soon become my calm, confident self………which feels good

  37.  #37Ella on September 12, 2011 at 4:02 pm

    What about when guys we like are fem energy?

    Does it automatically mean they will be attracted to masc energy women?

    That makes me feel sad.

    And how do we know if they are really fem or not?

    And how do I know what I prefer being?

    I have an idea… a pretty good one actually about which energy I prefer being in romantically… and yet I am not 100% sure.

    I know Rori encourages us to experiment… with both ways of being… and I know leaning forward can throw me into panicky states… as probably does overfunctioning.

    So maybe there is my answer.

    And the thing is there are some things about fem men that I love.

    Oh it all feels so confusing!

  38.  #38Emoticon on September 12, 2011 at 4:05 pm

    Hey Ella, a lot of my CDs r actually feminine energy which is y they end up falling by the wayside lol. But that’s fine because I have been with a feminine energy man and didn’t like it so I’m glad they’re eliminating themselves!

  39.  #39Esteemed on September 12, 2011 at 4:24 pm

    The more I walk away from R, the more he’ll walk towards me.

  40.  #40Starla on September 12, 2011 at 5:19 pm

    Hi Ladies,
    I think I am going to get laid off this week.
    Started to feel afraid and depressed and panicked, but I think I shall make this an opportunity to keep a positive attitude. Great practice. Bad stuff happens all the time all over the world. I don’t have to let it ruin my life.

    I am going to
    1. pick up my house for the next 30 minutes while listening to great music
    2. List out all of my wonderful contributions to my company for another 30 minutes (in case I end up in the hot seat)
    3. Research unemployment benefits and assess my financial standings to make a back-up plan if I really do get laid off.

    I have a CHOICE here. I don’t have to feel down and depressed. I am so excited for the opportunity to react and relate differently than usual.

  41.  #41Esteemed on September 12, 2011 at 5:30 pm

    I felt euphoric all day! I feel like I’m going thru a deep inner shift! It’s about believing in myself, being more aware of myself, loving myself in a healthy way! A lot of the things I’ve been learning from rori and on the blog Are starting to gel!

  42.  #42Ice Princess on September 12, 2011 at 5:32 pm

    I feel scared now about my relationship with LP. I returned his call and he didn’t answer. He requested that he not be tagged in pictures from the wedding. I said that I felt like he didn’t want be seen with me. (not a feeling message I realize now). I want to run or sabotage it before he can walk away but at the same time I just want to know that we are okay. I am panicking probably over nothing. Why am I doing this to myself tonight?

  43.  #43Starla on September 12, 2011 at 5:34 pm

    41. yay esteemed!

  44.  #44Starla on September 12, 2011 at 5:58 pm

    I dunno Ice Princess, but lean back!

    What can you do to take care of yourself right now?

  45.  #45Ice Princess on September 12, 2011 at 6:00 pm

    I started cleaning. Then he called and told me that he might need me tonight to bail him out of trouble. Now I feel worried about him and I want so bad to call or text to make sure everything is okay but I know that I shouldn’t or should I?

  46.  #46Starla on September 12, 2011 at 6:08 pm

    bail him out of trouble? What does that mean? Just curious

  47.  #47DE on September 12, 2011 at 6:11 pm

    Aww….Starla…big hugs sweetie 🙁

    The steps u take are soo proactive …I feel very proud of you…U inner boy sure knows how to take care of u…Give him a hug from me too 🙂

    warm hugs

  48.  #48Ice Princess on September 12, 2011 at 6:14 pm

    His ex-w is making untrue accusations. 🙁

  49.  #49Starla on September 12, 2011 at 6:16 pm

    Ohhh. Well, I imagine you talked to him and told him you’d be there for him. So if he hasn’t reached out for help yet, then there’s no reason to text him.

    What are you doing to take care of yourself NOW?

  50.  #50Ice Princess on September 12, 2011 at 6:19 pm

    Ugh, I don’t know what to do right now.

  51.  #51Starla on September 12, 2011 at 6:21 pm

    Ooooh DE my inner boy wants to know who the pretty girl hugging him is:P

    JK hehe

  52.  #52DE on September 12, 2011 at 6:28 pm

    Wow…Starla…that’s Hot…!!!!

    I feel blushy…;)

    Btw: I am not kidding 🙂 lol

    warm hugs…

  53.  #53AmazingMe on September 12, 2011 at 6:28 pm

    Sitting here with bleach running down my face lol..what us women do for beauty, especially when your blonde! Hey Sirens! I got another random text from this guy I never really talk to. You know I sit here and wonder ok how can I help myself heal with these guys. I just end up ignoring them because I don’t know them, I don’t have much to say. Let alone make time for them. If the guys were not shadey I would but I mean these guys have a shadey track record. So I don’ty mind practicing but I need something to work with here!

  54.  #54Starla on September 12, 2011 at 6:34 pm

    Haha, Amazing Me, I text back “who is this?”
    See what happens.

    Then you can tell him you don’t want to text, that it feels good to hear a real voice…see what happens…

    It’s a bit of a game since I know who it is, but it’s a good segue into telling him to step it up without sounding like i’m scolding him from the get-go

  55.  #55Starla on September 12, 2011 at 6:37 pm

    Hehe, I love it, DE

  56.  #56AmazingMe on September 12, 2011 at 6:46 pm

    @54 Thanks for the insight I may try these feeling messages. Don’t have anything to lose right!

  57.  #57Emoticon on September 12, 2011 at 6:47 pm

    Leaning back is not hard 4 me…just gotta keep myself busy n happy cuz the minute I’m not….I lean forward lol

  58.  #58AmazingMe on September 12, 2011 at 6:52 pm

    @57 LOL> THAT IS SOOO ME! I wonder if most of us lean forward like that. You know it’s like things are good we are happy and keeping busy..yay. Then you have some bad PMS or maybe to many minutes to dwell on something and you pick up your phone and look at it…start typin then you don’t send! Well ok sometimes you do. HAHA

  59.  #59Starla on September 12, 2011 at 6:58 pm

    57, 58 – that’s me too:)

  60.  #60Emoticon on September 12, 2011 at 6:59 pm

    I def do. And sometimes I lean forward because I have great news that I’m so excited about n I just wanna share with my ex (u have to understand we were best friends). However I don’t feel bad at all about leaning forward in this case and that doesn’t happen so often.

  61.  #61Starla on September 12, 2011 at 7:08 pm

    Thank you Starla for doing my dishes
    Thank you for preparing food for me
    Thank you for putting on the shirt CD1 gave me that smells like him instead of leaning forward for comfort
    Thank you for taking the positive road about the job thing
    Thank you for cleaning up the trash in my apartment
    Thank you for buying me the best water money can buy
    Thank you for playing fun music for me

  62.  #62Emoticon on September 12, 2011 at 7:17 pm

    Hey Sirens I saw one CD at school today n he gave me a hug when he walked in the room and said “finally I get to see you” thing is he texted me friday asking if we could “chill” I said we could and he said “your place or mine?” I told him I didn’t want to hang out at any of our spots and told him how I felt about the one night stand we hard earlier this year. He said he was fine with that so I can pick what we do instead. I didn’t know what to pick so I said I feel under pressure to think of what the date is gonna be. So we never ended up doing anything because he was just as indecisive as I was. That’s why he used the word “finally” I suppose. He told me “u gotta hit me up” today before he finally sat down to a computer so texting him now won’t be me leaning forward right?

  63.  #63Two Becomes One on September 12, 2011 at 7:30 pm

    Great advice. We must love ourselves first… then love will come.

  64.  #64AmazingMe on September 12, 2011 at 7:31 pm

    @62 He seems to want to chat text him I think the ball is in your court so take a shot 😛

  65.  #65Ice Princess on September 12, 2011 at 7:31 pm

    I feel sick about what he is going through right now. I want so bad to be there with him right now. I want everything to be okay. I feel like we both deserve to be happy but our exes keep making that difficult. I need to stop trying to think of the ending and start living in the moment, but how?

  66.  #66AmazingMe on September 12, 2011 at 7:35 pm

    Well I am turning in early sirens..Sweet dreams I have a long fun filled day tomorrow. Work, doctors appoinments how does one make time 🙂 Thank you AmazingMe for taking care of my family! Thank you for doing my hair and shaving my legs! I love you for being you! GOODNIGHT ….XOXO

  67.  #67Esteemed on September 12, 2011 at 7:38 pm

    My substitute for man crack:

    Internet crack… Phone crack… Radio crack…

  68.  #68Esteemed on September 12, 2011 at 7:38 pm

    My substitute for man crack:

    Internet crack… Phone crack… Radio crack…

  69.  #69AmazingMe on September 12, 2011 at 7:39 pm

    @65 Living in the moment and taking care of yourself! This is a great start and don’t look far down the road we will all need anxiety meds! Take one day at a time moving towards a positive direction. That is the best advice I have and that is what I do. Drama only comes into our life because we let it. Keep walking and smiling it doesn’t always work but the process is a much easier road to travel….XOXO

  70.  #70Ice Princess on September 12, 2011 at 7:44 pm

    Thanks AmazingMe! I am calming down…hope he is doing the same.

  71.  #71Susan on September 12, 2011 at 7:44 pm

    I was going to put this on the past blog, but then the new one got started, so I will put it here. Most of you know I am approaching a year in a relationship with my sweetie and that I don’t think that could have been possible without Rori. What I may not have made clear is that I met him (5 years ago) on Match. I have also met some very decent and good men on Match and POF and even Craig’s List. They may not have been good matches for me, but they are good men. There are good men out there. The internet is just a locating device. It isn’t the only way to meet men, but it lets you sift through a lot of men at once. You will meet more poor choices than good choices, but even the poor choices can be interesting.

  72.  #72DE on September 12, 2011 at 7:45 pm

    Esteemed #68:

    Lol…I conquer on the internet crack 🙂 Can Rori be “cra&ck” too?

    Btw, congratulations on your new job 🙂 and leaning back from R 🙂

    Warm hugs,

  73.  #73Susan on September 12, 2011 at 7:48 pm

    RE: 62: Emoticon

    If he asks you to contact him, I don’t see that as leaning forward if you do. Courting is a bit of a dance. One moves forward and the other moves back and then the dancers trade positions. If he always wants you to contact him, he may be a feminine energy man, though.

  74.  #74DE on September 12, 2011 at 7:49 pm


    I sooo agree with u…Yes, at times I feel tired…and I take a break…

    Yet, I admit I met awesome good men on Match and Yahoo Personals (i think is no longer active)…Many are still awesome friends of mine…

    Thank you for sharing your experience and reminding us of the good 🙂

    Congrats on your one year anniversary! Any special plans?

    warm hugs,

  75.  #75LILI 41 on September 12, 2011 at 7:54 pm

    I have been practicing leaning back, taking care of myself and stop doing for 3 weeks now. I am really enjoying it. He cancelled our vacation plans to go on a 5 day motorcycle trip with his cousin. Something he had been wanting to do for a very long time. I decided to go visit my family in my hometown all on my own on a 6 hour car drive. I spent listening to Rori’s CDs. I was free to go see who I wanted when I wanted and even reconnected with a long lost special high school friend. It was great to be so free and carefree not worrying about having to keep my bf entertained.
    Meanwhile his cousin bailed out on the motorcycle trip and he ended up working on organizing his garage and rebuilding his patio. He called me after 4 days asking when I was coming back. I felt so good being in my hometown that I stayed for an entire 7 days straight. No way did I feel like cutting it short to come running back to my bf at his beck and call to have him take me for granted and put me back on the shelf waiting around for him to have nothing better to do.
    I stopped calling him. He called me to see what I was up to and said I was going hiking up a mountain because it feels so good to me to walk in nature. He was so physically tired but decided to join me anyway without me even inviting him. I was going to do what I enjoy with or without him. He even put off an important errand he had to run for work.
    He invited me to go with him on his errand the next day and to his house to show me the work he did in his garage and his patio he built. He was so proud.
    If I wouldn’t have gone away to give him the time to do all that for himself, he would not have had the opportunity to take care of his house and have the pride to show me what he accomplished. He needed to just do something for himself for a change and I got it.
    I haven’t heard from him at all today, but no panic, no doing, just cooked myself a healthy meal, washed my dishes and no calling to check where he is and what he’s doing and why he didn’t call…just leaving him his space to breath, his work project is really stressing him out and he’s working a lot of hours. I am even realizing for myself how great it is to work with a clear mind not having any pressure worrying about the relationship.

  76.  #76DE on September 12, 2011 at 7:57 pm


    Gosh, i sure feel old these days…lol

    Reading u guy telling u “u gonna hit me up”…gosh, i feel sooo turned off…and yucks…who does he think he’s talking to?

    Most younger men and older pretending to “still have it going on” say this kind of “crap”…:(

    When they do that…I flat out say…

    “wow…it feels weird…i don’t speak that kind of “jargon”…it feels bad to me…i am a bit old fashion when it comes to dating…i feel better when a guy calls me…” and absolutely, just drop it early on…

    But, then again, I love the mannerism and old fashion courtship…:( and I feel very disconnected from some of the younger approach to dating 🙁

    The important thing is finding out what feels good to u…do u feel good about reaching out to him and have no expectations of him to respond?

    If u feel good ab it, then go for it…:) To me him saying that…is not asking…he is just “saying” and/or “suggesting”…very wishy washy in my “world”…of creating romance…:)

    I feel very curious ab what happens next, keep us posted!

    Warm hugs,

  77.  #77Susan on September 12, 2011 at 8:05 pm

    RE: 74: DE

    Thanks for the congratulations! It will be a year near the end of next month, so I have no idea what we might do. He is currently out of work, so our dating plans have been somewhat modest. There is a real possibility he will never again have a full time job. With the economy the way it is, and the fact that he is 63 makes his job prospects quite poor.

    I wasn’t looking for a man to take care of me financially in the first place. All I really want him to be able to do is to take care of himself, financially. And my sweetie does insist on paying for many things even though his funds are limited. There is still a lot we can do. Going out dancing often costs $5 plus the cost of a glass of water or soda. He is the first man in 30 years who will dance with me! And he bends over backwards to please me and constantly compliments me. (Also, for a 63 year old man, he puts many 45 year old men to shame once the lights go out.)

    On our one year anniversary together, what I really want is for him to tell me that it’s been a great year for him. It sure has been for me! I’ve learned so much and have grown so much this past year.

  78.  #78Susan on September 12, 2011 at 8:08 pm

    RE: 75: LILI 41

    I loved reading what you wrote!

  79.  #79LILI 41 on September 12, 2011 at 8:09 pm

    Before I stopped doing, what I was doing was showing up to his house after work to do his dishes, cooking for him, weeding out his flower beds while he worked. He told me that he voluntarily took-on this project for work and regretted it and that he felt guilty not being available to do fun stuff with me. I guess I took the guilt away by doing stuff I enjoy on my own. I even went for a free tryout of zumba class and enrolled right after for a weekly class. He even called me 2 times right out of class to come see me. Before, I felt like he was avoiding me. Now, I feel like he wants to be with me. That’s it for me, no more doing for the relationship, doing for me!

  80.  #80LILI 41 on September 12, 2011 at 8:10 pm

    Thanks Susan it feels great to get that encouragement from you.

  81.  #81Tmizz on September 12, 2011 at 8:14 pm

    Hm, what a lovely evening on the blog/island.

    I have to admit, HCT is the only one of Rori’s programs that I have, besides the ebook. And I do listen to it occasionally when I start to feel like I am “overfunctioning” or obsessing about a guy. It helps remind me that I’m the one I should be focusing on, not him.

    Well, I said it helps…I didn’t say it cured it, did I? 😉

    Today, I was feeling very “lean forwardy.” The funny thing about that is, I wasn’t thinking of leaning forward with ONE guy – it was a whole bunch of them! I wanted to just sit down and write and contact a whole slew of guys, and just let them know my thoughts/feelings! I actually did lean forward with one – I texted RB, just to say I was thinking about him. Well, I was. Anyway, he didn’t contact me back. So, no love lost. I don’t feel disappointed, since I wasn’t really expecting much. But you know how it is, sometimes you are thinking about someone, and you never know – we’re all energetically connected. So it was possible he was sitting there thinking of me, too. I’m convinced that he does think of me. In fact, I’ve given up thinking that I somehow “caused” him to freak out. If anything, he probably freaked himself out. It’s like C Carter says, men often “panic” when they start to feel something for a woman. That doesn’t mean he’ll be back. Maybe he’s just too freaked out, and he’s over it. And that’s fine. But I figured, why not? I’ll just send the message. So I did. And I feel fine.

    But, otherwise, I am more or less leaning back with most guys. In fact, I’ve started a new practice. it’s something I recommended to one of my clients, actually. When I think about “controlling” stuff, I instead try to concentrate on loosening and softening the muscles in my arms and hands. It really helps give me the feeling of “letting go” without really having to “do” anything.

    That doing thing is a killer, isn’t it?

  82.  #82Emoticon on September 12, 2011 at 8:15 pm

    I understand where you’re coming from DE. And I feel okay texting him if he is expecting it. If he didn’t respond my I would not feel bad, I would just assume he has yet to see my message. Since he asked me to text him I know he would not just ignore a message from me. He asked for ir because he wants it lol. He did respond btw…you guys were right he just wanted to chat 🙂

  83.  #83Tmizz on September 12, 2011 at 8:17 pm

    FW – I loved reading your #6 post.

    And I totally thought it was you, until I scrolled down and saw it was VFC!

    But it was still really helpful in how to approach talking about your past with a man…

  84.  #84Esteemed on September 12, 2011 at 8:18 pm


    Thanks! Rori can be crack. But for me I don’t think she is. I find so much healing here. As long as I keep it in balance it’s healthy.

  85.  #85Tmizz on September 12, 2011 at 8:20 pm

    I really DO love being in my feminine energy, WAY more than being in masculine…masculine is “comforting” but overall unsatisfying. *sigh* That’s because I’m not a man! helooo, tmiszle? remember? oh, yeah…

  86.  #86Starla on September 12, 2011 at 8:21 pm

    Roricrack is my favorite kind.

    I haven’t yet sat down to write my contributions to my company, nor have I figured out my finances. The urgency dissipated once I started cleaning up the mess in my house.

    I will still write out some of my contributions, as this is like…homework…needs to be done

    I can go through y finances tomorrow.

    I feel sooo much better. I just needed to take care of myself a bit.

    I didn’t hear from CD1 today. I want to hear from him every day. I am okay with not, but I like him that much.

    This is my ‘ideal’ courtship. I started saying a few months ago that what I really want is to see a man 1x or 2x a week while I have a full life of my own. Then after doing that for quite some time, and as we grow more attached and closer to each other in a natural way, through life’s obstacles and all, we decide to marry because we agree we cannot be apart for days on end, and would actually prefer to always be around each other forever. Then I go on having my fabulous life, but we come home to each other.

    Even though it is hard to resist all my lean-forward urges, I like what is happening. I like this pace. I love my insecurities. I love the opportunity here to heal all this.

  87.  #87Tmizz on September 12, 2011 at 8:22 pm

    I think Rori, and/or the blog is more like methadone. It’s helps reduce the cravings while you’re “detoxing” from the really damaging stuff… 😉

    Eventually, gradually, we can maybe “wean” ourselves off it. But I’m sure whatever we learn here will stick with us!

  88.  #88Tmizz on September 12, 2011 at 8:23 pm

    Yay, Starla, that sounds awesome!

  89.  #89LILI 41 on September 12, 2011 at 8:26 pm

    I went cding after a breakup once, to a disco club. A guy was eyeing me while dancing, and I returned the smile. After a short while, I went over to dance with him. He took me by the hand and brought me back to where I was before and said “Let me teach you something about the power of attraction”. He left me there and went back dancing where he was before still eyeing me from affar and smiling at me. I smiled back at him again and he came over to dance with me after about 10 minutes. He wanted me to let him come to me. He turned out to be a real gentleman and funny. He texted me after we both went home after the club closed to say that I was very interesting. He called me 2 days later to ask if I would like to go for a drink sometime and I said yes. He called me the next day to set-up the date. I turned him down because of his work schedule being the exact opposite of mine. But it was fun to know that I could attract someone interesting as he was…and Rori was right about cding teaching us about how we are with men and practicing. I learned about how I was “doing” and “leaning in” on this cd.

  90.  #90Emoticon on September 12, 2011 at 8:26 pm

    I’m glad I listened to him and “hit him up” lol I had no expectations for this conversation but I’m learning a lot about him and his positivity feels good 2 have in my life. I’m glad I gave him a chance 2 join my CDing party lol

  91.  #91LILI 41 on September 12, 2011 at 8:33 pm

    I agree with you gals, this blog is addictive…I am now 2 hours passed my bedtime. I am on the east coast timezone, it’s 11pm here.
    Goodnight ladies and sweet dreams!

  92.  #92DE on September 12, 2011 at 8:38 pm

    Lili 41:

    Thank u for sharing u story 🙂 I feel good reading it and very encouraged about the effectiveness of the tools we learn from Rori 🙂 I feel curious, are u knew on the blog? 🙂

    warm hugs,

  93.  #93Tmizz on September 12, 2011 at 8:40 pm

    Okay…I want to share something that occurred over the weekend, that really made me think…

    I was at a meeting that I go to monthly, which is a woman’s group. Each month, we get together and share dinner and discussion, and often, we talk about our various relationships (or lack thereof).

    Last night, there were two women there who are in pretty solid, exclusive dating relationships. One of them looks like it’s getting pretty serious. The thing is that both of the women are very much “doing” women. They are always organizing stuff, doing things, and, to me, sometimes obnoxious busybodies. And yet…they seem to do very well in relationship. In fact, I think that they use their busybody-ness to some kind of advantage. So of course I was thinking of boy energy. And I haven’t met the men, so I can’t say whether they are fem energy or not, but they are definitely guys.

    But, listening to the women talk about their relationships, it occurred to me that, maybe, somehow, they are instinctively able to put that masculine energy on hold, when it comes to their guys. Like, they can be all boy, boy, boy, out in the world, and when in a group of other women. But maybe around the guy, they are all femmey and liquid and soft.

    I guess that’s what Rori refers to as “switching hats.”

    But I think maybe one thing I do is – and I just thought of this now – but when I am around guys, I might want to be “one of the guys.” And when I’m around women, I want to be more “woman-y.” It’s harder for me to be a woman AROUND MEN. For some reason.

    But I also had good practice this weekend. I went out on a pretty long bike ride, and it turned out to be just me and three men (all married). It was striking how I suddenly felt the difference between me being a woman, and them all being men. (One of them was pretty young and attractive. Too bad he’s married!;) But it was good practice, interacting with men in a friendly way, and actually noticing that I DIDN’T HAVE TO BE A MAN. Whoa, shocker 😯 I know.

    Sometimes it’s like, I close with my dad, and my mom wore the pants in the house – sometimes I actually FORGET that I am A WOMAN.

    But the other day, I was getting dressed in front of a full-length mirror, and when I caught sight of my own naked body, I was like – Whoa! I actually look like Venus! I look like Aphrodite! I look like a freakin’ Botticelli!

    It was cool.

    I felt very good about that.

    And the guy at the grocery store who kept checking me out. That felt good, too 🙂 I feel like CD-ing in small ways, right now. I want to take a break from big-dating (i.e. going out on dates) while I re-evaluate my goals and get centered on who I am and what I want – and feel more solid in my business, too. Not to make too many hurdles for myself. but I really do find it’s good to take a break now and then. But guys never take a break from noticing me. So, I’m going to do myself a favor and notice them, too.

    Lucky guys! 😉

  94.  #94alias girl on September 12, 2011 at 8:42 pm

    the cd who stood me up called me and left a voicemail while i was out skating tonight. pffff. i haven’t listened to it yet. the only real excuse for standing me up is if he was lying dead in a ditch.

    which, clearly, he is not.

  95.  #95Ice Princess on September 12, 2011 at 8:45 pm

    Yeah! I helped fix things! Wish I didn’t feel so awake though.

  96.  #96alias girl on September 12, 2011 at 8:45 pm

    i tried practicing my five minute smile while i was out tonight. i can’t say i feel i was too successful. but at least i “remembered” to try.

  97.  #97Starla on September 12, 2011 at 8:48 pm

    Alias girl, did you know I love your voice here? You crack me up, girl. In a good way, of course!

  98.  #98DE on September 12, 2011 at 8:49 pm


    Your story feels awesome to me 🙂 Your voice feels more and more like that of the successful women I met here on the blog…and that to me speaks “emotional available”…

    I love reading about the balance you created in your life…and still feel happy and appreciative about the relationship…and dancing with u? gosh, are u kidding me? that’s on my top of the list requirement!!!

    I feel closer to being fully emotionally available… and every man I meet and practice openness with…helps me get closer and ready for the one for me…and yet, in between, (sigh), there likely be some heartache…:(

    The last 2 guys I got closer too…the past 8 months since my last long term imaginary relationship…really helped practice the tools and notice my triggers, patters, likes, dislikes…

    I feel a bit more excited about the future…and finding the appropriate/authentic way for myself to when and how to express my feminine and masculine…

    Again, I feel very appreciative hearing your voice and experience 🙂

    warm hugs,

  99.  #99Emerson on September 12, 2011 at 8:55 pm

    93 TMizz that is a very interesting observation about switching hats. Wow. I want to be like that.

    I wonder if their Moms taught them to be like that.

    My Mom is sooo sooo co-dependent. I’m just now un-learning that behaviour and trying desperately to change my habits and NOT to be co-dependent!!!!!!

    That’s why in the past, men got so sick of me and eventually dumped me, even a couple that I know loved me/liked me a lot!

    But before they dumped me they used me for all my overfunctioning and organizing, sex, household, maid duties, blah blah blah, then got tired of me being codependent and needy and eventually cut me loose. when of course I was devastated.

    I’m not telling this to have sirens say “poor Emerson” it’s more like to remind me how not to be and how RIDICULOUS it was. And my Mom totally ENCOURAGED that behaviour and set the example. Blech. 🙁 feel sad thinking about it.

    My realization and clarity about all this is healing though, so it’s ok. It’s better than ok. It feels like a deep breath, a relief, to finally figure out what was “wrong”!!!

    Because think about it, when things are getting funky, who do we call for comfort?? Our MOM!!! So who did I call….yep….oh I know she meant well. But oh my, she was training me to be co-dependent galore. 🙄

  100.  #100DE on September 12, 2011 at 8:56 pm

    Tmizz #93:

    Wassup girl? lol I read u post and I was …really? Kind of similar thoughts and dilemmas tonight 🙂 I felt smiley 🙂

    Warm hugs,

  101.  #101Emerson on September 12, 2011 at 8:57 pm

    96 alias girl, I tried the five second smile today too!
    I attempted on 2 hot guys at the store and a not so hot guy at the coffee shop.
    They smiled back but I think they can sense my shyness because none of them approached to talk to me. I need to be braver. 🙂

  102.  #102Emerson on September 12, 2011 at 9:00 pm

    93 Tmizz yes you are a venus and that is awesome about the guy checking you out at the store!

  103.  #103Emerson on September 12, 2011 at 9:05 pm

    86 Starla et al…it feels good to read about how others struggle with wanting to lean forward, but then resist.

    I have gotten way better at resisting! I did send an email to father of 3 CD and it was leaning forward, I haven’t heard from him in a while and he’s not really a CD but more of a guyfriendCD…so I don’t care too much about the leaning forward bit. However I still feel kinda icky because he has not replied. 🙄 I feel like I appear kinda needy and dorky. Blah!

  104.  #104Emerson on September 12, 2011 at 9:07 pm

    OMG I leaned forward with a couple of friends today by messaging them on fb, and they never responded, then they logged out. 🙁 I hate that. It always makes me feel rejected and unimportant but whatever who cares.

  105.  #105Starla on September 12, 2011 at 9:17 pm

    Emerson 104 – sometimes when people IM me I log off — either because I am busy and don’t want to be like “hey have to go!” Never ever ever is it personal!

    And sometimes there’s just a lag in the list, and it doesn’t show right away that they’ve logged off.

    FB chat sucks.

  106.  #106Starla on September 12, 2011 at 9:27 pm

    I wrote my list of contributions out and I just started feeling so high energy and vortexy. Like YES my job feels so good, I love having it, I feel so juiced being in my position, woohoo!!!

  107.  #107Starla on September 12, 2011 at 9:35 pm

    I feel excited for my date on Thursday with CD2 and I have a date on Saturday with (recycled) CD4 who was actually my first CD ever!!

  108.  #108alias girl on September 12, 2011 at 10:01 pm

    #97 starla thank you. 🙂

    i feel happy to hear you are still cding and not only just focussed on cd #1.

    also best of luck with your job thing.

  109.  #109alias girl on September 12, 2011 at 10:04 pm

    #101 emerson yae for practicing though! yae emerson!!! i feel good just to even try doing it.

  110.  #110alias girl on September 12, 2011 at 10:05 pm

    i am watching celebrity big brother 2011 (UK) and it looks like soooooooooooooo much fun! i wanna go and do all those fun activities and try to get along with buggers!!!

  111.  #111Emerson on September 12, 2011 at 11:03 pm

    Hmm…lately I’ve been trying to get my mind off recycled, then he texted me yesterday and I replied, as I mentioned before…

    And then he called me twice last night but did not leave a message (I missed the calls because I was genuinely busy visiting with family)…

    Anyway since he didn’t leave a message, I have not returned the call. I feel fine waiting to see if he tries to contact me again. Today he did not. Hmm. It feels good that I was not sitting there waiting to pick up the phone last night. Usually I’m right there like a golden retriever puppy, just waiting with my tail wagging and my tongue drooling! LOL!!

    Feeling kinda proud of Emerson for leaning back!

  112.  #112Emerson on September 12, 2011 at 11:05 pm

    109 aw thanks AG..yes I’m determined to practice this again tomorrow! It feels good to smile at people. I tried it on a couple other peeps but they looked away. haha I can just imagine the rumors in town, who is that lady that walks around smiling at people all the time staring into our eyes!? hahaha…I don’t mind.

  113.  #113Emerson on September 12, 2011 at 11:11 pm

    Sirens something interesting happened to me today,
    I got an email from a long lost CD that I met ages ago on a dating site, never met in person, but exchanged emails for a bit. Since he lives far, it fizzled.

    Out of the blue, I got an email from him today!
    Anyway, the sidenote to all of this is that he is a chiropractor. I have literally been thinking lately how it would feel so nice to have a healer work on my body and work out my “pressure points” that I can feel are sensitive…and I literally thought how cool would it be if I found a hot MAN that was also a holistic healer of some sort.
    And here he is! 😯 LOA !!!

    I replied to his email a nice feeling message, and we shall see if he ever replies. Maybe he won’t. But he is very yummy.

  114.  #114English Woman on September 12, 2011 at 11:14 pm

    #11 Feminine Woman

    Thanks so much for the link, I have just signed up for the Inner Mean Girl school. 😀

  115.  #115English Woman on September 12, 2011 at 11:28 pm

    #71 Susan

    Thanks for giving us hope. 😀

  116.  #116Emerson on September 12, 2011 at 11:30 pm

    Eeek!!! I feel scared and excited. I just signed up for a new dating site, trying something totally different! And, GASP, I even added a picture!

    I never like to put pics on the dating sites! But I thought what the heck…there are a couple cute guys on there and I want them to see hot Emerson!!!

    Meow…I am scared and terrified and feel exposed and excited at the same time!

  117.  #117English Woman on September 12, 2011 at 11:36 pm

    #81 Tmizz

    Can you please tell me more about this “panic” men get? I’ve never heard of this before………

    Well my American friend seems to have disappeared again, after telling me last week such nice things about how he wanted to “visit you and only you” and how I had been on his mind for a long time, and now it’s 4 days since I heard a word, of course since RR and my kinda disconnection from him I am nowhere feeling like I used to, thank G*d!!

    But I am just interested in what you said above, I have felt this before with him, like when he has said “too much” he seems to go to the back of his cave, but he will be back!! 😀

  118.  #118English Woman on September 12, 2011 at 11:38 pm

    And oh yeah he said something about he had been in hibernation for 2 years and how I had stirred up all this stuff in him……………who moi? 😀

  119.  #119English Woman on September 12, 2011 at 11:48 pm

    #111 Emerson

    When you heard back from Recycled after a week of no contact, did you do the RR thing and be happy and excited to hear from him? See this is what I am not getting…..doesn’t that mean he thinks he can put you on hold any time he feels like it? Or is he supposed to get worried because you have no drama about no contact from him, like you are too busy doing other things?

  120.  #120Emerson on September 12, 2011 at 11:48 pm

    117 EW I think men “poofing” is one of the most frustrating things I’ve experienced with this dating business!

    Glad that you’re doing fine though! Have you been skipping thru the countryside with your headphones lately? 🙂

  121.  #121English Woman on September 12, 2011 at 11:49 pm

    #113 Emerson

    I love LOA stories and synchronicity. 🙂

  122.  #122Emerson on September 13, 2011 at 12:05 am

    119 EW
    Yes, when Recycled finally texted me, I responded warmly with FM saying I felt warm and smiley to see his text, but I felt sad about 911…or something like that…then he tried to call me twice but no message. Odd because he normally leaves a message.

    I have wondered the same things that you mentioned. You read my mind and you took the words right out of my mouth…my question(s) exactly. I was being genuine in my reply and how I felt…but….I feel like blah that he just ignored me for a whole week!! 🙁

    We’ve been spending 2-3 days together per week for the past month or so…then poof. I dunno. I feel a bit confused myself.

    But I do feel that I kept my dignity in not getting mad about it and feeling like it’s drama..

    He’s done this before though. He pursues me like crazy, and then once he pulls me close, he retreats. But never really lets go of me. It turns me off now that I think about it.

  123.  #123Emerson on September 13, 2011 at 12:19 am

    Maybe he’s rubberbanding???? But for a whole week???
    Tinque how do you feel about that…how long do guys rubberband???

  124.  #124Emerson on September 13, 2011 at 12:22 am

    I signed up for mean girl reform school too. 🙂

  125.  #125English Woman on September 13, 2011 at 12:26 am

    #120 Emerson

    Skipping throught the countryside? Nah, I don’t know where that person went……:(

    I was getting up at 6am (!!!) to do all this exercise stuff but my job is sooo stressful I am finding it a real struggle to even get up for work, I think I am burning out so I will have to seriously look for other work, I can’t have a job affecting my health and my emotional wellbeing, it’s just not worth it.

  126.  #126Emerson on September 13, 2011 at 12:29 am

    Aww EW I hope you find a job that suits you….it’s not good to feel burned out. Been there. 🙁
    My health suffered, mentally and physically.

    I am confident the right opportunity will present itself EW!!!!

  127.  #127Emerson on September 13, 2011 at 12:34 am

    Ok I took the picture down. 🙁 Oh I’m such a chicken!!!!

    I saw a guy on the site that I went on a date with a while back (several months ago) from another dating site, and I think he knows Recycled! 😯

    I actually thought he was a nice guy and he asked me for a second date but I declined, once I found out where he worked I got kind of weirded out! At that time, Recycled and I were not talking at all, and I didn’t want to cross paths or something odd. Or have him find out info from Recycled or something.. I dunno!!

    Just a small world. I do know that they work together, but I don’t know for sure if they know one another, but it’s likely.

    Also, semi-recently, Recycled even mentioned a guy from work and was talking about something, and I swear I thought it was this guy I went on a date with! It was so strange.

    So random. I am possibly being paranoid. But I was feeling like eeek!!!

  128.  #128Daria on September 13, 2011 at 3:29 am

    Emoticon – i say it Would be (leaning forward) – sounds like he wants you to row… i would lean back… and tell him i feel good when a man does the pursuing and date planning…

  129.  #129Daria on September 13, 2011 at 3:46 am

    I will write my dream when i remember it…

    i feel so good about the workouts ive been doing and how my body looks and feels!!

    it feels so strong and comfortayble yesss

  130.  #130Daria on September 13, 2011 at 3:47 am

    Emerson – so what! put it back! lol

  131.  #131Lyka on September 13, 2011 at 3:53 am

    SLV – #29:

    LOL!! I can’t believe the talents some of you have on here! 😉

  132.  #132Lyka on September 13, 2011 at 4:00 am

    Permission to Simply Be
    Working through Transitions

    During the pause between achievements, many people begin to question what their life is about.

    The elation we feel when we have learned an important lesson, achieved a goal, or had a big breakthrough can sometimes be met with a period of downtime afterward. During this period of transition, we may feel unsure and not know where to turn next. Many people, during the pause between achievements, begin to wonder what their life is about. These feelings are common and strike everyone from time to time. Human beings are active creatures—we feel best when we are working on a project or vigorously pursuing a goal. But there is nothing inherently wrong with spending a day, a week, or even a month simply existing and not having a plan. Just be. It won’t be long before you embark upon your next voyage of growth and discovery.

    The quiet lull into we which we fall between ideas, projects, and goals can make life seem empty. After accomplishing one objective, you may want to move immediately on to the next. However, when your next step is unclear, you may feel frustrated, disconnected, or even a mild depression. You may even perceive your lack of forward momentum as an indicator of imminent stagnation. To calm these distressing thoughts, try to accept that if your intent is personal growth, you will continue to grow as an individual whether striving for a specific objective or not. Spending time immersed in life’s rigors and pleasures can be a cathartic experience that gives you the time you need to think about what you have recently gone through and leisurely contemplate what you wish to do next. You may also find that in simply being and going through the motions of everyday life, you reconnect with your priorities in a very organic, unforced way.

    The mindful transitional pause can take many forms. For some, it can be a period of reflection that helps them understand how their life has unfolded. For others, it can be a period of adjustment, where new values based on recent changes are integrated into daily life. Just because you’re not headed swiftly to a final destination doesn’t mean you should assume that you have lost your drive. The stage between journeys can become a wonderful period of relaxation that prepares you for the path that will soon be revealed to you.


    From DailyOM

  133.  #133Lyka on September 13, 2011 at 4:04 am

    You Are Who You Are, Not What You Do
    Becoming Your Wrong Decisions

    We are not our decisions and no decision is wrong because we made the choice with the information at hand.

    Our perception of the traits and characteristics that make us who we are is often tightly intertwined with how we live our life. We define ourselves in terms of the roles we adopt, our actions and inactions, our triumphs, and what we think are failures. As a result it is easy to identify so strongly with a decision that has resulted in unexpected negative consequences that we actually become that “wrong” decision. The disappointment and shame we feel when we make what we perceive as a mistake grows until it becomes a dominant part of our identities. We rationalize our “poor” decisions by labeling ourselves incompetent decision-makers. However, your true identity cannot be defined by your choices. Your essence—what makes you a unique entity—exists independently of your decision-making process.

    There are no true right or wrong decisions. All decisions contribute to your development and are an integral part of your evolving existence yet they are still separate from the self. A decision that does not result in its intended outcome is in no way an illustration of character. Still, it can have dire effects on our ability to trust ourselves and our self-esteem. You can avoid becoming your decisions by affirming that a “bad decision” was just an experience, and next time you can choose differently. Try to avoid lingering in the past and mulling over the circumstances that led to your perceived error in judgment. Instead, adapt to the new circumstances you must face by considering how you can use your intelligence, inner strength, and intuition to aid you in moving forward more mindfully. Try not to entirely avoid thinking about the choices you have made, but reflect on the consequences of your decision from a rational rather than an emotional standpoint. Strive to under! stand why you made the choice you did, forgive yourself, and then move forward.

    A perceived mistake becomes a valuable learning experience and is, in essence, a gift to learn and grow from. You are not a bad person and you are not your decisions; you are simply human.

  134.  #134Daria on September 13, 2011 at 4:17 am

    Lyka – ‘being on your horse’ is a metaphor Rori uses… where our horse is our intuition and the part of us that knows the way ‘to the good stuff’

    sometimes men from the past get put on the back of the horse… so we don’t have to let go of them completely, just keep them on the back of the horse and keep riding with them

  135.  #135Lyka on September 13, 2011 at 4:23 am

    Daria, thanks for clarifying that. I kind of knew it meant something deep and now I see it really is.

  136.  #136Butterfly Wings on September 13, 2011 at 4:47 am

    RAWR!!! I think TH has retreated to his man cave…. 🙁

    He did contact me earlier today to go for a walk together, and before we finished work he emailed me again to ask me to let him know when I was finishing. That was so he could catch the train home with me.

    He’s now home (and is yet to IM me..) and told me before he left (his words) that he “doesn’t want to come over tomorrow night”. Huh???

    If he’d said “I want to spend a couple of nights at home” instead, I would feel a LOT better. Stupid hormones!

    I doubt I’ll get a chance in the next day or two to talk to him let alone express how I feel right now, and by then I’d have forgotten what I was so worked up about!

    Sigh… Ok. I know my hormones aren’t behaving right now and I need to focus on ME!

    What’s really stupid about this is that I don’t even WANT him to come over tomorrow night anyway because I have so much to do. There’s really no logical reason why I should be upset that he doesn’t want to come over!! Duh! Ok, I know it’s just how he said it. And I also know that he’s a bit “like that”. You know, a bit “gruff”? He’s definitely not your typical “happy go lucky” types, that’s for sure! He’s a man of few words (nothing like me! lol) and very quiet and kind of an introvert.

    So why am I making up stories about what is going on about what’s in his head? I need to stop that now…

  137.  #137Daria on September 13, 2011 at 5:22 am

    yay my friends grandma who lives upstairs just gave me some homemade tomato sauce and some carrots and yellow bellpeppers ! awesome

    also this morning when i had got water and had my hands full to open the door to the building a man looked in my eyes and opened it for me

    and i let him

    and i said thank u

    my thank you sounded robotic but … babysteps!


  138.  #138Susan on September 13, 2011 at 5:30 am

    RE: 93 TMIZZ said: “But, listening to the women talk about their relationships, it occurred to me that, maybe, somehow, they are instinctively able to put that masculine energy on hold, when it comes to their guys. Like, they can be all boy, boy, boy, out in the world, and when in a group of other women. But maybe around the guy, they are all femmey and liquid and soft. ”

    TMIZZ, that is pretty much how I live my life now. I have strong boy energy and my ‘boy’ has gotten me through a lot in the past years. I trust my ‘boy’ because he is always working to make my life better, safer and more secure. But when my sweetie shows up, I now give my ‘boy’ a cookie and give him the night off. That was a new skill that I learned this past year and I have found it very valuable. I am not able to be in fem energy all the time. But she sure likes to be there when my sweetie is with me.

  139.  #139English Woman on September 13, 2011 at 5:42 am

    #132 Lyka

    I really like this and this is kinda where I am right now in my life……..and all is well. 🙂

  140.  #140English Woman on September 13, 2011 at 5:46 am

    #138 Susan

    Can you kind of give an example of this, nothing too personal of course…….but just in general.

    I am mostly around men at work like now and you better not put your girl hat on here!!

  141.  #141LobbyStar on September 13, 2011 at 6:11 am


    I have a lot of trouble with my “hats” too. I was raised by two very strong women (my mom and grandma), both of whom pretty much did it all. I didn’t have a lot of strong male influence growing up… dad and grandpa were there, but not really there, if you know what I mean…

    I learned how to be a woman from Mom and Grandma. With super strong boy energy. “Make it happen!” has been my motto, and that’s what I’ve done in every area of my life except my love life.

    But I’m learning to let girl come out and play more and more. It’s difficult, but she is getting a bit stronger. I’m gonna LET my love life happen, instead of MAKING it happen.

  142.  #142Femininewoman on September 13, 2011 at 6:19 am

    “A man who does not desire you is worthless as a
    romantic partner.

    A good friend, maybe, down the line.

    But as a romantic partner – worthless.

    So – forget about this man. Fill up your dance
    card so much you don’t have time to take his phone
    calls or have coffee with him.

    Don’t “dump” him, just CROWD HIM OUT.

    Put him ON HOLD.

    You don’t have to “tell” him anything, unless
    HE brings it up.

    Just go focus on yourself and your own life.”

    Love, Rori

  143.  #143Femininewoman on September 13, 2011 at 6:34 am

    From an old Rori email
    Heartache is a habit. One that doesn’t get you anywhere goo. S, first in order to switch a habit you have to have some idea of what you really want. You have to know what you’re going for.

    So here’s the First Step of This Tool: Let’s Call it “SWITCH FOCUS”
    Wherever you are, even if it’s just 5 seconds, try this:
    Visualize, imagine, and perhaps even write down on a scrap of paper, in a special journal or my ebook, the kind of relationship you want. Imagine and write it in great, sensual, tactile detail, to make it as real as you can for yourself. While you’re imagining this great relationship, any time yo come back to thinking about the heartache and misery you’re experiencing right now with this man (yes, your thoughts will go back there, don’t worry when it happens), NOTICE what’s going on in your mind, your body and your heart.
    Then SWITCH
    As gently as you can, without beating yourself up – please no beating yourself up – switch from the thought about this man to the thought about the RELATIONSHIP you want. Get into the detail, the closeness. Now – FOCUS on that!
    Every time you start to think of the man who’s breaking your heart right now, tell yourself you’re done being safe in heartache, and you want to take a chance on real love.
    Tell yourself you’re brave and strong.
    When you find yourself slipping into “heartache” thought, switch to the detail you dreamed up about what it would be like in a great relationship. Don’t worry if you feel like crying – go ahead and cry – that’s a good thing! Let your feelings out but don’t let them stop you from Switching Focus. Just keep on doing it.
    Okay – now we need step 2 for this SWITCH FOCUS Tool.
    Take the switch one more level.
    Once you’ve got the hang of switching from the misery you’re in to the fabulous relationship you want, I want you to start switching that great, fabulous detailed imaginary experience of the great relationship you want to be in, to something REAL that’s right in front of you.
    This could be: The may you’re on a date with. Instead of thinking about whether or not you’re bored with him or how he doesn’t measure up, get curious.
    Use every Tool in my Toolkit that sings to you personally to keep yourself grounded and in the present moment, and look at him. Count the hairs in his eyebrows if you must to keep yourself FOCUSSED on what’s in front of you.
    It could be flower on the table at the diner. It could be the feel of the tablecloth. It could be the rug you’re sitting on. It could be the fork or spoon in your hand.
    Get yourself focused on your EXERIENCE of something real and physical in the moment.
    Remember noticing what you’re feeling on as deep a level as I can help you get to, and noticing what’s around you are the hugest steps to take toward getting the relationship you want.
    Your focus will come off this man and onto the rest of your life.
    And that will shift your “vibe”. And he’ll notice that.

  144.  #144tinque on September 13, 2011 at 6:50 am

    Emerson – How do I feel about Recycled? He’s been squirrely from the beginning. Like you said, he pursues and once he’s got your attention, he backs off.

    Not calling for a week in and of itself is not cause for alarm and not necessarily a negative. Men can and do get caught up with work etc., and they can only focus well on one thing at a time.

    But this seems to be a pattern with Recycle. And it’s bothering you.

    Here is where you have to decide if this is a deal breaker. If he’s a for now guy, then enjoy what you can when with him. But if you’re thinking something more serious, then you will have to decide if you can accept this kind of behavior even if nothing ever changes around it.


  145.  #145Lyka on September 13, 2011 at 7:01 am

    Emerson, I agree with Tinque. That kind of behaviour would make my level of interest level drop like a rock, a big, heavy rock. It almost feels like he’s playing with you in order to see if you’re still available to him. Yet, he’s not making himself available to you when he says he will.

    I would find that frustrating.

  146.  #146Lyka on September 13, 2011 at 7:03 am

    EW – #139:

    That’s great! And then when the real prince charming reveals himself, you’ll already have a horse to ride in the sunset with! lol!

  147.  #147Emoticon on September 13, 2011 at 7:29 am

    Just got a text message from my ex asking me if I kno what’s wrong with his gf? I was a little mad that I ended up in a love triangle. I told him I don’t want 2 be asked about his girlfriend and that idk if I still wanna be friends with her because I don’t want this to feel like some type of love triangle. Ugh!

  148.  #148Femininewoman on September 13, 2011 at 7:34 am

    Words of Wisdom from Carol Allen

    If you want to succeed in love, you need to get your

    wounded ego be not so wounded – fast.

    How do you do this?

    You ZOOM out, and become BIGGER than this part of you.

    You observe it, without reacting to it.

    You say to yourself, “Hmmm. Isn’t that fascinating? I’m being insecure (or scared, or needy, or fill-in-the-blank). What’s that about?”

    And you ask yourself, “Is it possible there’s something going on with HIM that could be causing this behavior that has nothing to do with me?”

    And then you think of all the things it could be.

    Is he working too much?

    Is he stressed about a deadline?

    Is he concerned about someone in his life – a sick parent or a friend in crisis?

    Is he having a health problem?

    Is he feeling powerful in the world, or like everything is just too hard?

    If you start to see that a lot of this could be something ELSE going on with him, this can help you to relax, and have compassion for him.

    And then when something happens in your relationship that’s scary, like that he doesn’t call when he said he would, or he doesn’t want to see you on your usual date night, or he needs to work late, instead of freaking out – you can offer support, or do something sweet.

    And if you still feel the problem COULD be you, you can ask him about it in a fun, casual way, without making him feel like a big jerk, or failure to you.

    Not sure what I mean?

    Let me give you an example.

    A client of mine is seeing a really fantastic man who is a bit, well, let’s say… sensitive.

    He’s been going through a very difficult time in his business, and sometimes when they’re supposed to have “special time” together (wink, wink), he’s in a bad mood.

    At first, this made her really disappointed.

    She’d felt excited to see him, but he’d be withdrawn, or depressed, so in her mind that had to mean he wasn’t as excited to see her.

    This would naturally make her insecure, so she’d listen to her wounded ego telling her that he didn’t really love her, and that things were never going to work out with him, and pretty soon she’d fall into a bad mood, too.

    Over time she learned that if she jumped into the “whirlpool” of negativity with him, it only made his mood worse.

    But if she was able to stay above his behavior, and reassure HERSELF that it didn’t mean he didn’t care about her or that he didn’t want to be with her – it meant he was struggling with something in his own life – she’d often be able to get him to join her in her good mood.

    Which was much more fun for both of them.

    Recently she had a wonderful day.

    She had all sorts of good news at work, and a really nice evening with close friends, and she went home to find her boyfriend grumpy.


    It seemed he’d been to his life coach, and he was very “in his head” about his life.

    She decided not to let this ruin her good day as it often had, and to just be playful, and upbeat, and tell him that she hoped he’d feel better soon…

    But then he said something that would typically make even the healthiest ego in a woman become wounded.

    He said his coach didn’t think they had a very good relationship.




    Amazingly, she didn’t take the bait… She stayed bigger than his comment.

    She didn’t freak out, or cry, or accuse his coach of trying to end their relationship, or ask why the coach would say such a thing…

    Instead of getting upset, all she did was smile and say, “Really? That’s not very nice. Hmmm… I bet she’s jealous of me because you’re so hot.”

    And then she gave him a big smooch, and went to sleep happy.

    And guess what?

    In the morning, he was so loving, so affectionate, and so adorable, it’s as though the conversation never happened.

    She had done the right thing – she had chosen to be BIGGER than the situation.

    And it worked beautifully.

    Knowing this stuff can be the difference between having NO RELATIONSHIP and having a FANTASTIC relationship.


    Because it’s rare to be able to do it, and a man will so appreciate the woman who can…

    It’s saved my own marriage a million times.

    When we were first married, my husband used to be a “silent screamer.”

    We’d have a disagreement, and in an effort to not say something he’d later regret – he wouldn’t say anything at all.

    Sometimes for days…

    Ah, good times.

    Fortunately for me, I knew about this wounded ego stuff.

    Because MINE would go completely crazy when this would happen.

    I’d think to myself, “How dare he shut me out? I’m his WIFE… How dare he not talk to me, of all people! Who the heck does he think he is? I don’t deserve this…”

    And on and on I’d spin.

    But I knew NOT to react to the voices in my head.

    I knew that if I did – I’d BLOW it and he’d really shut me out, and perhaps never talk to me again.

    I chose to believe him that he was trying to protect me from what he MIGHT do or say, and that he simply needed time to chill out and get back to a place of peace toward me and our relationship.

    In his mind, he was actually being loving, although it sure didn’t feel like it to me.

    But I chose to trust the man I’d pledged my life to – and instead of being bratty, or pissy, or pushy with him, I’d be kind.

    And I’d do what most women don’t know to do.

    I’d make my priority our relationship, and NOT my feelings, and I’d say, “I’m sorry we’re having a rough time – I know we’re better than this. I miss you and look forward to talking and connecting again when you feel ready. Let me know if there’s anything you need from me.”

    And then I’d LEAVE HIM ALONE.

    And guess what? He’d always come around – quickly.

    And pretty soon his silent screaming episodes got shorter, and shorter, and less and less often, and now they never happen at all.

    Isn’t that cool? (You have no idea…)

    So, be bigger than your wounded ego, and react from the place you WANT your relationship to be, and stand back and be amazed…

  149.  #149Femininewoman on September 13, 2011 at 7:37 am

    … Whenever you need his reassurance, or want to test his love, tell him something you truly appreciate about him, and stand back and be amazed at how much that draws him closer…

    You see, it’s by GIVING what we want, that we end up GETTING what we want. That’s a big key to life and love. And anyone – with any astrology chart – can do it!

    So give it a try, and watch your dreams of love come true… and let me know how it goes.

    Until next time, may God and His planets and stars shower you with love!

    Carol Allen

  150.  #150DE on September 13, 2011 at 7:41 am


    Thank you for posting the Switch Tool 🙂 It’s awesome…

    Also, the letter from Carol…

    Both spoke to me this morning…

    Sending you warm thoughts of appreciation 🙂

    Warm hugs,

  151.  #151roxy on September 13, 2011 at 7:59 am

    soo I havent had any contact with my ex at all for about more than a month, I feel good I have been doing my own thing enjoying myself loving myself. Enjoyine the beautiful weather biking hanging out with friends went on a few dates .I come to the idea that I want a tatoo and the one I really want is saved on my ex computer. Is leaning forward texting him to send me the tatoo? What do you think

  152.  #152Femininewoman on September 13, 2011 at 8:04 am

    Roxy it might not be but the possibility exists that he could get the impression this is a strategy you are using to contact him and strategies don’t work with men.

  153.  #153Emerson on September 13, 2011 at 8:07 am

    Ok I put the picture back up Daria. haha. I agree, who cares! I don’t care if they see me or what they think. Or if recycled finds out I’m on there. Whatever!

    Thanks Tinque and Lyka for your feedback about Recycled. I do have to think about whether I’m ok with it.
    Lately I’ve been thinking about some things. I just find that I don’t want to throw the proverbial baby out with the bathwater, because with every guy, there is “something” I don’t like.

    Then I end up moving on and meeting a new guy, and there’s something about him that is “wrong” or imperfect and although I understand nobody is perfect and I do accept these quirks…

    I admit that sometimes I’ve overreacted and dropped them because of some kind of action, baggage or (now that I think about it) shallow trait that I didn’t like…when in reality, big picture, things would have possibly resolved themselves. I see people work through things all the time.

    For example Carol’s letter about the husband ignoring her. I would have left the guy probably from being so mad and letting my ego rule me. Just find another guy, and so on. It is NOT how I want to be.

  154.  #154Emerson on September 13, 2011 at 8:09 am

    I’m just tired of relationships not working out so that’s why I’m sitting tight with recycled to see what happens…there is something deep there and I’m not sure what it is.

    And right now, Recycled is just a CD, just like any other one of them. He’s not ranked higher or lower than any of the others!

    But in the meantime, yes, I am CDing! I saw one or two prospects on my new site and I favorited them. Maybe a bit of leaning fwd but oh well. 🙂

  155.  #155Susan on September 13, 2011 at 8:14 am

    RE: 140: English Woman

    Examples, eh? Hmmm.. Each occurance happens on-the-fly. It’s nothing I plan.

    When I am in boy energy, I am quick to answer everything – even if to just say “I don’t know.” When I am in girl energy, I pause and think before speaking. When talking to my sweetie on the phone, my boy wants to tell him what days I’d like him to come over. My girl offers to let him know my daughter’s work schedule for the week and then she pauses and listens. I have found that girl energy does a lot of pausing and listening. If my sweetie doesn’t immediately announce what days he will be coming over, my girl tells me to stay quiet and open and warm. He might actually take a few days to decide when to see me. I don’t ask to see him, but I do sometimes tell him how much I enjoyed being with him the last time. If he gets too slow in planning our next date, I make other plans and follow through with my other plans. Sometimes those other plans are just going to a yoga class or painting my kitchen or taking my daughter sailing.

    When we are together, I make a point of physically leaning back. My sweetie is terrible at the simplest housekeeping chore but he likes to help around my house by washing dishes after I cook or other small tasks. He always does them wrong. I always smile and thank him. I find this difficult to do. My boy wants to go FIX it. My inner girl tells the boy that in the long run, no harm has been done and she gives him a cookie. I will probably always struggle with this. I have OCD.

    I don’t claim to be perfect at this boy/girl stuff. I come from a line of boy-energy women and weak men. I admire those women and how they handle things, but I don’t admire how unhappy each and every one of them have been with their men. And I have 2 divorces behind me, so I really don’t want to keep repeating the same mistakes. I’m a homeowner with things to paint and fix and a lawn to mow. I save money by doing my own light electrical work and light plumbing. When I go sailing, I am the captain of the boat because I am the person who is financially responsible if there is damage to the rented boat. In most areas of my life, I am in charge and I do a very good job. But I get tired. And moving into girl energy is a way to rest my psyche. When the girl is in charge, I get to receive instead of to give. It’s nice!

  156.  #156Susan on September 13, 2011 at 8:16 am

    RE: 140: English Woman

    My full answer to your question is in moderation. I don’t know when it will post.

  157.  #157Lyka on September 13, 2011 at 8:23 am

    Emerson, I get you. I guess you’re wise enough to know where you’re going with that and I admire the way you’re handling the whole thing. I just wouldn’t want to see you getting hurt, though. 🙁

  158.  #158Femininewoman on September 13, 2011 at 8:23 am

    This is a new one for me. I saw it in an email from Cheri Valentine:

    “For me, I felt pulled to organize my house”.

  159.  #159Femininewoman on September 13, 2011 at 8:35 am

    Emerson I am here reading something from

    “How you respond will show your true values. If you get angry and respond to him from an angry place by telling a man how much of a Jerk he’s been, you’ll look bad. Why? Bitter women lash out. This sort of response does not come from a balanced inner world.

    If you’ve been done wrong and you tell him what you think with a mature attitude plus REMOVE yourself from him, he’ll get the message that you have self-respect.

    You must be able to adapt quickly and show that you will stand up for yourself no matter what. The mistake many make however is to lash out in anger by being the stereotypical “woman scorned”.

    You don’t need to go there. Don’t try to get the last word in.

    Communciate your expectations once, then act.”

    Later it says “communicate your expectations then create distance. If you’re going to get emotional, he’ll think you’re making demands on his time. Making demands equals creating obligations. You’re worth more than that. If a man knows that he has the power to make you upset, you’ve made him a deity. God and cry your eyes out but never go back to a man and blame him for what he did or didn’t do after you’ve told him how you feel.”

  160.  #160Emerson on September 13, 2011 at 8:37 am

    156 Thanks Lyka. 🙂 so sweet

    I have been hurt already, in a way…not just by him..but maybe by allowing myself to feel hurt because I’m making up bad things in my head?

    I feel curious about this and I just want to shift my approach and not keep doing the same thing over and over. Maybe it’s just an experiment and a learning experience. ???

    I have been pondering the thought that all relationships have some degree of pain, don’t they?

    Not that any bad treatment should be tolerated, but aren’t we all individuals with free will and the ability to affect others who care about us and vice versa?
    There is bound to be some glitches in the road.

    I guess I’m trying to be more tolerant of men’s flaws in behavior and otherwise. Having compassion that we are all evolving and growing.

  161.  #161Daria on September 13, 2011 at 8:38 am


    mom left on a trip aww mom

    and now feeling free and energized

    watching tennis with my uncle

    feeling all powerful

  162.  #162Femininewoman on September 13, 2011 at 8:42 am

    RE 158 not God it was “go ahead and cry your eyes out”

  163.  #163Daria on September 13, 2011 at 8:56 am

    Emoticon – you are so awesome i am learning from you thank you for sharing!

  164.  #164Emerson on September 13, 2011 at 9:10 am

    158 thanks FW! That felt great to read.
    Stating how I feel and what I don’t want, and then stepping back sounds doable, but challenging.

    It feels scary
    and that feels like a pressure
    in my head
    and my throat
    and that feels like a deep breath in
    and breathing out….
    and how I feel today only
    Not fast forwarding to the future…

  165.  #165Emoticon on September 13, 2011 at 9:14 am

    Thank you Daria! :-D. I learn a lot on Siren Island that’s why I love coming here! Its like the theory aspect of learning and all our interactions with people are the practical aspect

  166.  #166roxy on September 13, 2011 at 9:17 am

    @femininewomen Great point. I did not know that men would see it as a strategy. So the answer is definitely no. I dont want him to get the impression that I am looking for him. I will find another imagefor my tatoo.

    Another thing this guy has been texting me to go out and it so happen when I finally said yes he does not call or show for the date. Today he texts inviting me to go out this sat. Using Rori’s techniques I will say no. His actions and words tell me something else. He’s full of bull. jeje what you think

  167.  #168Emerson on September 13, 2011 at 9:24 am

    I have a list of things I need to do today, but I am procrastinating and feeling lazy.
    Part of being kind to myself and nurturing myself is getting these things done and putting on my boy hat. I need to do that so I can switch back to girl hat and relax! And I will take note of the difference.

  168.  #169Femininewoman on September 13, 2011 at 9:25 am

    Roxy I am not sure I would accept a text invitation, especially if the person is a stranger.

  169.  #170Joan on September 13, 2011 at 9:34 am

    what if I used “feeling” statements with my man and his response was, “lately I don’t know what you are talking about?” I said things like, “I felt exposed, I felt hurt, I felt weird. Each time he said he didn’t understand and I was making no sense. Am I just with a man who isn’t going to “get it” or doesn’t want to and is just pushing me away cause he is no longer attracted to me?

  170.  #171Femininewoman on September 13, 2011 at 9:40 am

    Hi Joan,

    He might be clueless yes but I would not attribute it to anything to do with you. If he is no longer attracted it is likely something going on with him.

    Exposed is not really a feeling. Maybe you were feeling insecure/unsafe of scared?

    When you feel hurt, do you feel like a car run over you or like a 747 crashlanded on your chest?

    When I feel weird I tend to say and with I can’t find words to explain or it feels like a jarring sensation that has my brain rattling in my head so I am not sure how to express myself.

    He might truly not have understood your choice of words and might need something more graphic to understand how you are feeling.

  171.  #172Femininewoman on September 13, 2011 at 9:41 am

    Or Joan do you mean you feel sad or disappointed when you say you feel hurt?

  172.  #173Emerson on September 13, 2011 at 9:42 am

    166 FW thanks for that link. I read it and EMK has some good points, it’s interesting to read his perspective and I agree with some of his angles and his straight shooter approach to cutting loose a man who is not going to come through for our needs. Totally get it.

    But sometimes he says things that make me say “whaat????” For example, in this article,
    he says

    “If your relationship isn’t easy, that’s a really good indication that it’s not right”

    IMHO, that is sooo unrealistic and idealistic, and I feel it sends the wrong message to women, like oh this is not easy, this must be the “wrong” guy.

    It’s supposed to be easy? Is that the right word? I don’t think anyone’s relationship is easy, despite the image that people put out there. I don’t buy it.

  173.  #174Joan on September 13, 2011 at 9:45 am

    oh wow, after reading the two posts after my original comment….I see why my man doesn’t understand. Because I don’t understand my own feelings! I’m so not used to using feeling statements that I”m not being clear because I”m not clear within. New area for me…..oh boy. worried I’ve lost him due to all my negative, wrong behavior. Ok, I feel sad and disappointed.

  174.  #175tinque on September 13, 2011 at 9:52 am

    Emerson – It really depends on the individual and the couple. Some couples thrive on edginess which could be read as conflict. Others would shrivel and die under the same circumstances.

    I can honestly say my relationship is very easy; it flows and feels good and warm and connected the vast majority of the time. The times it feels off is when I’m feeling off. Still the weird feelings pass quickly. Often a hug is all I need.

    Even in the beginning though, things were mostly easy. BUT I had so much going on, much anxiety having nothing to do with him, a lot of baggage, and even the things which didn’t feel great to me still had little if anything to do with him. It was primarily me and my stuff.

    The more I let go of my stuff and healed, the less those things bothered me, and the less they bothered me, the more they went away.

    We both healed and grew more deeply intimate together.

    It really wasn’t difficult. What was difficult is working on self.

    So there are always “things”, and it’s how you react or don’t react, it’s how you accept or not which allows for the easy feeling.

  175.  #176Femininewoman on September 13, 2011 at 9:57 am

    tinque I so resonate with what you are saying. What came to me was Jordin Sparks song “Why does love have to feel like a battefield”. That song never resonated with me even though I was not aware of Rori yet. The whole energy around the words is drainign to the point that if that is how it is going to be I don’t want to be a part of it.

  176.  #177Rori Raye on September 13, 2011 at 10:01 am

    This about a relationship being easy – I wrote an entire post around it just now – and Tinque, I’m with you on this. The post won’t come out for weeks – and, basically: Intimacy may feel “hard” because it requires us rising above our own comfort zones, and with the “right” man, you KNOW you’re dealing with a person who’s putting the relationship and you above his own defenses and comfort zone. Just knowing this makes it easy. You do your work, he does his, you work things through together, you can say anything and talk about anything – and you know he cares more about the success and happiness of you and your relationship more than he cares about his own ego. Many, many men would rather let you go than face their own demons. Mr. Right is willing to face anything inside himself for you. When you KNOW this – it’s all easy. Love, Rori

  177.  #178Emerson on September 13, 2011 at 10:09 am

    Hi Rori! Thank you for clarifying. I have a better understanding now.

    Tinque and FW I appreciate your comments, too.

    I feel the way that EMK stated it, it was hard to understand, at least for me.

  178.  #179roxy on September 13, 2011 at 10:13 am

    great article. I am as other s bit confused on the whole relationship being easy and read some of your comments. Great points that Rori has made in 177. In regards to this guy who texted me well hes not a stranger I hang out with him a few times but his actions say so many things that is why I hesitated to go out with him. The last time he did call and we set a date a week before but he never confirmed or call the day of. So I will just let it be and not respond.

  179.  #180Valerie on September 13, 2011 at 10:47 am

    I feel happy today 🙂
    I spent a lot of years trying to understand “where I go wrong”, what are my patterns, mistakes, etc…. I was desperately seeking improvement and understanding. And it was not clicking… Something was missing all the time. And I felt really exhausted and disappointed from myself… Like “I know all these things, I read sooo many books, I have done therapy, etc. and it is still not working!!! I must be bad person!” To be fair – I made some progress, I really did, but not enough. It was only few week ago when I found Rori. I don’t believe in accidents and I believe and feel that it was meant to be. In the right moment when I was ready for it.
    And it clicked.
    I finally found out the missing piece. Cause until finding Rori I was always reading about the good and the bad (which was basically my own perspective, anyone else may read it differently). I am queen of stuffing and pretending and non accepting myself and that was always my point of view. So what I always read was “You must be like this to get this. Get rid of the bad parts, forget, forgive, go ahead…”. And my reaction was always “Ok, i need to be like this cause I dont want to be that.” And it worked for some time but it was always like acting. Like becoming some character. And I was really good in affirmations so I was good at transforming my thoughts and feelings… But it was fake cause the core didnt fit. And this is the reason why I am sooooooo thankful to Rori. She showed me that there is no good feeling or bad feeling, good situation or bad situation. There are just feelings, there are just situations, there is just me as a whole person. And that I don’t need to BECOME better person but I need and want to accept myself. With everything 🙂 And that I dont need to get rid of my anger, fear and sadnees to be happy, but I need to accept them. I feel really grateful! 🙂 And I understood a lot of other things and I can go on and on and on and on with things I love about Rori’s work. So I just want to add that I changed my goal for now… I know that somewhere in front of me is my “happily ever after”. I feel its presence, but I dont see it yet. And its just fine 🙂 I dont feel the urge jumping to the end anymore. My goal for now is to be ready for a relationship not the relationship itself. It is the next and natural step which I dont need to push right now. And I feel relief… No more pressure 🙂 So I havent met my Mr. Right yet but I finally met myself 🙂 And I finally allowed myself to be and feel vulnerable in front me. And the sadness feels beautiful, fragility feels beautiful, fear feels beautiful… I would hug myself all day but I need to work 😡 🙂 And I deep down feel and believe that one day I will be one of Rori’s successful story. No matter how long it will take, I love the journey and I am sure that I will not miss my destination 🙂
    And again – thanks to Rori and all of you .)

  180.  #181roxy on September 13, 2011 at 10:54 am

    Definitely feel great after have read the book. Things happen for a reason and we learn from our experiences. By reading these comments and Rori’s book I also have changed my views in many ways and actions. Great insights!

  181.  #182Femininewoman on September 13, 2011 at 11:09 am

    Would love to read the rest of this article, just in case anyone has access to it:-

    “Please could you explain how judging or criticizing others is self-abandoning?

    My answer was:

    Judging indicates that you have already abandoned yourself. Once you abandon yourself and make others responsible for your worth and safety, then you need to control others, and judgment is a major form of control. The loving Adult never judges oneself or others. It is always the wounded self who judges as a form of control – a way to protect against something you fear. When you are judging, you are in your head rather than your heart, and being in your head is also a form of self-abandonment. Judgment is coming from the intent to protect/control rather than from the intent to learn about loving yourself and others, and the inner child always feels alone and abandoned when this is the intent. You might want to tune in to your feelings when you judge. You will likely find some stress inside, which is coming from having abandoned yourself, and now being focused externally, trying to control through judgment as a result of the self-abandonment.

  182.  #183Daria on September 13, 2011 at 11:43 am

    yeah! like i feel scared when i see that woman looking at me, so then i judge her abandoning my scared self

  183.  #184Susan on September 13, 2011 at 11:48 am

    RE: 140: English Woman

    My answer on #155 is now out of moderation.

  184.  #185Emerson on September 13, 2011 at 12:12 pm

    159 FW I enjoyed reading what you posted and I also looked at the site.

    I feel intrigued by the website too. Sounds interesting but I feel it lost a bit of credibility when I read this phrase:
    “Exact word for word phrases to use to cast a spell on him”

    Sounds kinda hokey. I don’t want to “cast a spell” on anybody.

  185.  #186Emerson on September 13, 2011 at 12:18 pm

    I feel so confused right now.

    I hear so many different messages sometimes I don’t know what to do.

    Do this to inspire change in your man.
    Don’t expect/try to change your man.

    Your relationship is supposed to be easy
    Relationships can be messy and there are ups and downs

    Don’t wory about what a man is thinking, focus on what you, the woman, are feeling
    When a man acts like a jerk or withdraws, try to think of what he’s going thru and show compassion

    The name that comes to mind for myself is confuzzled cookie…(where is she nowadays anyway?)

  186.  #187Daria on September 13, 2011 at 12:31 pm

    well i know for me for this one… when a man is ‘acting like a jerk’ i don’t try to think of what he’s going through

    instead notice i am judging him (as a jerk) and move back to focusing on myself and my feelings…

    and always intend to show compassion… to everyone… starting with myself


    the rest is like, relationship is easy, but transforming myself and accepting myself is challenging…

    i can Inspire change, by not tolerating what i don’t want, but it doesn’t mean the other person will change… they might drop away… i dono what will happen really … i will be surprised

  187.  #188Daria on September 13, 2011 at 12:35 pm

    aww you don’t?

    oh for me it feels fun and romantic to think i do cast spells, like the ‘i am the air you need to breathe’ spell

    spells about my magnetizing power…

    not control spells, that wouldn’t really feel good

  188.  #189Emerson on September 13, 2011 at 12:45 pm

    Daria, thanks for your responses.

    The cast a spell thing came accross as a control thing to me.

    Like you, I also like the “I’m all that” tool, with the “I am the air you breathe” “my eyes are like magnets”….

    but I think of that as more of a vibe shift and helps us to put out the positivity needed inside ourselves to create attraction.

    I don’t think of it as a “spell”

  189.  #190Senior Lady Vibe on September 13, 2011 at 12:46 pm

    @34: alias girl



  190.  #191Senior Lady Vibe on September 13, 2011 at 12:49 pm

    Enjoy everyday of your life…

    India.Arie – I Am Not My Hair ft. Akon



  191.  #192English Woman on September 13, 2011 at 1:14 pm

    #155 and 156

    Thank you Susan it is so interesting to see how these dynamics work. 🙂

  192.  #193English Woman on September 13, 2011 at 1:39 pm

    #144 Tinque

    Well as far as I can tell Emerson reacted just like RR says we should just happy and excited, but here’s the rub, doesn’t that make the man think he can pick up and drop us at his whim?

    OR are we supposed to say something happy and excited and some kind of FM negative thing too, like I feel sad, bad, neglected, disconnected that there was no communication?

    G*d does it have to be this difficult?

  193.  #194roxy on September 13, 2011 at 1:40 pm

    I have been thinking about the whole strategy thing you mentioned earlier. What are other strategies men might have in mind?

  194.  #195English Woman on September 13, 2011 at 1:42 pm

    On another note I have been contacted by a decentish sort on POF who in his profile says he has no car, now I live in a small town, he lives in the big city, if I arranged to meet him in the big city by train for me (early days) is that leaning forward or am I supposed to expect him to commute all the way here to my small town for a one hour cup of coffee “meet and greet” ? Once again, why does it have to be soooo difficult?

  195.  #196English Woman on September 13, 2011 at 1:46 pm

    Are we just supposed to be willing to meet any old guy no matter who, no matter where, no matter what or are we supposed to sit here like Lady Muck waiting for the man who steps up (even for a coffee) and visits us in our own home territory?

  196.  #197Senior Lady Vibe on September 13, 2011 at 1:50 pm

    @195: English Woman says:
    “…is that leaning forward or am I supposed to expect him to commute all the way here to my small town for a one hour cup of coffee “meet and greet” ? …”

    Don’t know… but maybe it is if we jump the gun and “offer” to go to him. In your situation, I’m curious, once the distance came up in the conversation, what did he offer?

    If you are arranging to meet him by train… doesn’t the train go both ways so that he could come to you by train also? And… wouldn’t you also be “going to him” for a one hour cup of coffee “meet and greet”?….

    Are you thinking that your convenience is less important than his….? It’s not, is it?



  197.  #198Daria on September 13, 2011 at 1:55 pm

    EW – i wouldn’t worry what its going to make the man think, thats going all in his business

    instead, just looking for the best way to express what *I’m* feeling

    it might be excitement, or it might be excitement along with a powerful sense of still feeling upset… whatever comes up for me

  198.  #199Daria on September 13, 2011 at 2:04 pm

    hitting *like* button on SLV 197

  199.  #200faith on September 13, 2011 at 2:05 pm

    RE:#111 Emerson:

    how do you get him to call you back?? well i dont know your situation but my boyfriend and i broke up over 4months ago and i havent heard anything at all. He has not called, texted, emailed, nothing. Like you.. i am always wondering if he is going to call and i think i would also feel better if he would just call. So i was just wondering what happened with your situation so i can try to make some sense out of mine..

  200.  #201Senior Lady Vibe on September 13, 2011 at 2:38 pm

    @199: Daria



  201.  #202Emerson on September 13, 2011 at 2:50 pm

    I’m sorry about your boyfriend. I know it feels so heartbreaking and my heart goes out to you. Rori’s tools and this blog really help me to get the focus back on me even though I feel lonely sometimes, it reminds me to love myself and I love the sirens support! You have our support here. ((HUGS)) to you.

    Well to answer your question…
    Recycled and I dated for a while in the past, and then we didn’t see each other for a while (it was my doing and my choice) because he was going thru a divorce and I didn’t want to be part of it. I got tired of hearing about it. As you know, divorces these days do take a while if there is property involved, in his case, over two years.

    I focused on positive changes in my life like a new job, new apartment, etc. and I figured if things were meant to be, we would find our way back. Well we got back in contact (he initiated) and so far I found that I still have the same feelings for him.

    I let him know I’m dating other people, but he told me he is not. As I mentioned in an earlier post, he pursues me like crazy then backs off once he pulls me close.

    At this point I find it healthy not to try to get him to “do” anything…I’m just practicing Rori’s tools, focusing on me, and knowing my life goes on with or without him. I am “checking out” emotionally at the moment so the intensity to want to talk to/be with him is not so strong. It is not easy. Sometimes I want that intensity.

    Anywho, I’ve been open to meeting new people so that helps a little bit, I’ve been CDing.

  202.  #203DancingQueen on September 13, 2011 at 2:52 pm

    Hi Ladies and Rori,

    This blog seems so interesting. I have never blogged before so I hope this is the right forum for my question. I am concerned about the “Do” nothing thing.

    In “Targeting Mr. Right” program Rori talks about allowing the water/ men’s arrows to wash over you. We simply accept them. But she also says that we give a little bit back – the drops of water that keep the wheel turning. WHEN DO I GIVE BACK? When is the appropriate time to show your appreciation? And Do I simply text a man I am dating and say, “I’d like to cook you dinner, what do you think”?

    Any advice would be great! Thanks 🙂


  203.  #204roxy on September 13, 2011 at 2:58 pm

    @emerson and @fatih
    .. great you couldnt of said any better.
    Definitely faith stop to do your own thing enjoy life as it is. You are pearl. Love yourself and do things for yourself. If it is meant to be it will if not thats ok.. Many others will come by. Stop thinking negatively about the situation and not being with him and think about yourself what you love what you want to do.

    I am sure you will change your thoughts and emotions and actions . Best of Luck It has definitely worked for me.

  204.  #205tinque on September 13, 2011 at 3:03 pm

    EW – Daria pretty much answered, but I want to add that a good man wouldn’t dream of picking you up and dropping you at whim.

    And you can always say something like, “It feels so good when I hear your voice,” or “I so love it when you call.”


  205.  #206Emerson on September 13, 2011 at 3:09 pm

    Sirens, on my new dating site that I joined, there is an Irish fellow who sent me a greeting, and he’s just adorable! He lives in Ireland though. 🙁

    Anyway, I was laughing to myself because the whole time I was reading his profile, I was reading it to myself (silently) in an Irish accent! I couldn’t stop myself, it was so funny…oh I am amusing myself. 🙂

    He does seem so charming and like a sweet guy and I wish we were not so far!

  206.  #207Emerson on September 13, 2011 at 3:11 pm

    205: tinque says:
    EW – Daria pretty much answered, but I want to add that a good man wouldn’t dream of picking you up and dropping you at whim.
    Hi Tinque 🙂
    Good point!!

  207.  #208faith on September 13, 2011 at 3:23 pm

    RE:#202 Emerson:

    Thank you Emerson.. reading the blogs everyday has really helped me.. I mean i know i am getting better than i was during the first 2 months but i still think about him every single day!! i miss him so much and i guess i have been waiting for that last call or for him to at least try to get me back in some way.. but no. i havent heard from him after 4 months and i havent contacted him either.
    Its true if it is meant to be it will be.. its just hard when my feelings are still so strong for him.
    But thank you for responding.. Its good to get feedback. 🙂

  208.  #209faith on September 13, 2011 at 3:25 pm

    RE:#204 roxy:

    Thanks roxy.. I agree if its meant to be it will be.. and like i told Emerson.. its just hard when my feelings are still so strong for him.. I feel like i expected more than for him just to walk away and never hear from him again.. i thought our relationship was more than that.. but I dont know.. its just crazy to me….
    but thanks much for your feedback:)

  209.  #210Emerson on September 13, 2011 at 3:32 pm

    Faith…hugs to you. I went through a terrible breakup in my 20’s, same thing, the guy broke up with me and we never talked again. I kept waiting for him to “wake up” and realize he made a mistake and call me to get me back. But it never happened. I wasted a whole year pining over him and used to cry in the car on the way to and from work all the time!!! It was awful. But it was such an unhealthy relationship, I know that now. I was totally hinged to him for my self worth. 🙁 Not saying that you are that way.

    But we do get attached to people and love them, and when they are gone, it really does hurt. Hugs hugs hugs to you.

  210.  #211Daria on September 13, 2011 at 4:02 pm

    Dancing Queen – just give back by thanking him for everything he does, and saying how good everything (that genuinely feels good to you) that he does feels

    Don’t text him and offer to cook him stuff…

    saying thank you is enough, especially at first, and especially if you’re feeling confused about giving back…

    it kinda just happens naturally as you appreciate what he does for you!

  211.  #212faith on September 13, 2011 at 4:12 pm

    RE: Emerson:

    Thanks Emerson.. and yes this has been more than horrible for me!! Still after 4 months I cry all the time for him.. we were together for over a year.. and we are both 25. Emerson though what if we were in a serious relationship.. where we moved in together.. I meant his mother.. and we took small trips together.. I mean am I really never going to hear from him again??!! Just the thought of that scares me.. I don’t know why because I know he hasn’t contacted me in over 4 months so why should I think he will ever contact me?? Deep down I still have hope or at least I just wish he will.. my friends tell me that all men come back.. I don’t know if they tell me this to make me feel better but I hear it a lot..
    All this is just very difficult.. he was it for me.. and this was like a slap in my face.. and then just to disappear like that.. like if we didn’t spend almost 2 years of our lives together!! Grr.. so strange to me!!

  212.  #213Femininewoman on September 13, 2011 at 4:15 pm

    RE 194 roxy I don’t look at it as strategy the man is thinking about. From me it is about the things I do to get a specific outcome. How am I planning/arranging/suggesting to get to be around a man? Sometimes it might come across as being helpful but ultimately it is just me innocuously being manipulative to control his moving towards me.

  213.  #214Emerson on September 13, 2011 at 4:20 pm

    faith it is strange. I was 26 when mine broke it off with me. It hit me out of the blue sky, I was so so so not expecting it. I was close with his family, we were together for over 3 years, and my family did not live nearby so HE and his family were “all I had” as far as family closeby.

    I did end up calling him a few months down the road because I felt like I needed to ask him some things and clarify for myself, and tell him I was angry.

    I’m glad I did it but it was at a point when I knew it was too late for us to reconcile and I just wanted to get soem things off my chest.

    I don’t necessarily advise this though, because he expressed that he wanted to see me and I declined, but I was SOO TEMPTED. I knew it was over and seeing him would have been awful.

    Even talking to him made me backslide and it sent me spiralling a bit, but I felt I had some things to say to him and and I wanted answers.

    At the time, it was what I thought I NEEDED to do.
    It is true what they say, time heals, and sometimes it’s good to change your scenery and take little trips or meet new friends. Just to change the familiar things around you and explore new memories and experiences.

    Personally I took a trip to a different continent for about 3 months and that helped alot…but I don’t think it’s necessary to go quite that far…LOL

  214.  #215Emerson on September 13, 2011 at 4:24 pm

    and faith, even though it is strange, I know exactly what you’re talking about, you invest so much in someone and so much time and trust and heart….only to have them no longer be there. It’s weird.
    But rather than trying to figure it out, I wish I had

    Rori’s tools back then and should have just flipped the focus around to me instead of trying to make sense of how strange it is. But acknowledging your feelings along the way and honoring them, I feel strange, I feel sad, I feel lonely, I feel weird, etc..

    Tinque what’s your feelings about it..if I may ask her into the conversation, I respect your insight…

  215.  #216DancingQueen on September 13, 2011 at 4:38 pm

    Thanks for the help Daria! I appreciate it 🙂

  216.  #217Starla on September 13, 2011 at 5:10 pm

    Hmm…the owners came in today…to …say hello? and i guess that’s it.

    Still feeling concerned that I have no projects lined up and my partner/immediate supervisor thinks we’re getting laid off lol.

  217.  #218LILI 41 on September 13, 2011 at 5:27 pm

    re: Valerie 180.
    I totally get you Valerie! Thanks for sharing that. I got that same aha! moment too when I read the book and listened to one of Rori’s seminar.
    I am finally feeling normal and am no longer ashamed of my feelings and sharing them.
    I am connecting more and more with so many people: not just a love interest, but also family, friends and co-workers.

  218.  #219LILI 41 on September 13, 2011 at 5:36 pm

    re: Emerson 214

    Emerson, you have come a long way and it is good to read your examples and advice.
    I divorced after at 7 years of marriage with my family at a 7hour drive away. That makes us even stronger because we are forced to sit there with ourselves and deal with ourselves. No family to distract us or to go crashing at their house, it gets lonely, but how enriching to have all that time to focus on ourselves.

  219.  #220Emoticon on September 13, 2011 at 5:48 pm

    Hey Sirens, I’m feeling kinda pressured. My ex bf’s gf keeps texting me and I keep the convo short cuz I don’t really feel like being friend with her anymore. I’m not sure how to go about ending the friendship!!

  220.  #221LILI 41 on September 13, 2011 at 5:56 pm

    Hi Faith.
    This is a good place for you now.
    My 1st love lasted 4 years when he left. He came back after 1 whole year of not a single word and told me how his new girlfriend suggested he see me because he was still obsessed with me. I asked him if he loved his girlfriend, he said yes. I was then able to tell him “then leave me alone”. It’s amazing what time can heal.
    Allthough my ex-husband never came back. Both relationships have tought me so much to help me evolve and grow.
    The best way I found to heal was to look at the relationship as an experience and learned as much as I could about myself through them. That’s what got me feeling good again after each breakup…and I have had 3 so far. Getting more connected to myself after each one of them.
    Rori’s tools really work well to help you feel good about yourself and where you are to help you get closer to a real relationship.

  221.  #222Emerson on September 13, 2011 at 6:09 pm

    Aw thanks LILI 41. It feels nice to hear your words of encouragement.

    Sirens I feel self conscious that I sound negative on the blog and feel worried that people will think I’m annoying. It’s ok I love myself anyway and I’m just trying to understand and learn and grow. I want to evolve and change to be better. It’s not always a pretty process. I am trying to get out of my own way!
    Giving my NVs a cookie and I love me.

  222.  #223Miss Bells on September 13, 2011 at 6:10 pm

    So HS (Herr S) blew off going to the music thingy with me Sunday though he did call right on schedule. Not a peep since.
    I am sure he still intends to help me move the rest of my stuff out of his house and he still wants me to work for him (hey, I REALLY need the $$).
    The thing is, I neeed my comfy chair as I make my money writing for the most part and my a@@ hurts in the only half-way decent sitting spot in the new place.
    Also, the plumbing here is broken in the kitchen, and HS suggested last week that I call the guy we always called at his place. Only I don’t have his plumbers #.
    I am thinking of emailing him as follows: “It would feel so good to have my blue chair here. I want to have a comfy spot to work. What do you think?”
    Should I send this, or just wait for him to call me and make other arrangement meanwhile?

  223.  #224Emerson on September 13, 2011 at 6:10 pm

    220 Emoticon if you’re not sure what to do, maybe do nothing?? I’m not claiming to be good at advice, but I don’t think you should feel obligated to reply to anything if you don’t want to. Maybe just sit on it for a day and focus on yourself.

  224.  #225Emoticon on September 13, 2011 at 6:12 pm

    Actually Emerson that sounds great. I don’t really have to do anything I don’t feel like! Thank You!

  225.  #226DE on September 13, 2011 at 6:14 pm

    SLV #191:

    I love the song…what a beautiful song and message…!!!!

    Thank you for sharing 🙂

    Warm hugs,

  226.  #227Miss Bells on September 13, 2011 at 6:15 pm

    So HS (Herr S) blew off going to the music thingy with me Sunday though he did call right on schedule. Not a peep since.
    I am sure he still intends to help me move the rest of my stuff out of his house and he still wants me to work for him (hey, I REALLY need the $$).
    The thing is, I need my comfy chair as I make my money writing for the most part and my butt hurts when I sit in the only half-way decent sitting spot in the new place.
    Also, the plumbing here is broken in the kitchen, and HS suggested last week that I call the guy we always called at his place. Only I don’t have his plumbers #.
    I am thinking of emailing him as follows: “It would feel so good to have my blue chair here. I want to have a comfy spot to work. What do you think?”
    Should I send this, or just wait for him to call me and make other arrangement meanwhile?
    I am resubmitting this with minor editing after the original went to await moderation.

  227.  #228LILI 41 on September 13, 2011 at 6:15 pm

    Have a bad cold and won’t be able to make zumba class tomorrow 🙁 Finally found something I enjoy doing and I get sick before I get to do the 2nd class. Bummer, I feel sad.
    On the bright side, I get to come back here.
    It helps me to resist and keep leaning back…and the guy keeps calling to see me. I had only 1 hour to give him on Sunday, and he called again tonight to see me. But no way does he want to catch my cold with the hefty work project he needs to finish this week. It feels so good to let him come to me. I’m not doing a thing to see him, it’s all him and it feels wonderful to have him make the time for me through his long work schedule.
    I was so insecure that I had to do everything to make sure that I would get to see him. I would call him every day, plan my schedule around his. Now I make no effort and he does all the calling and the scheduling. I am enjoying the attention because it is coming from him and not me.

    Thank you all for being here ladies! It is a very supportive place to be. Reading all of you is inspiring and conforting.

  228.  #229LILI 41 on September 13, 2011 at 6:22 pm

    Hi Emerson, re 222

    You mean “change to be more myself” instead of “be better”, right? Yourself is good enough, no need to be better, just need to be more yourself, authentic and real and I find that you are doing great at that by reading your comments for a couple of weeks now. ;o)

  229.  #230Miss Bells on September 13, 2011 at 6:23 pm

    If a comment gets stuck in awaiting moderation, does it ever publish? I have a thing I need some quick advice on. I don’t know what triggered the moderation thing.

  230.  #231Esteemed on September 13, 2011 at 6:42 pm

    Miss Bells,

    Yes, it comes out of moderation in a day or two. Things that go into moderation :

    Some websites /hyperlinks
    Other bad words

  231.  #232alias girl on September 13, 2011 at 6:45 pm

    #230 miss bells it will come out of moderation but you can just post it again now with the caveat to siren readers that it’s a duplicate.

    however you will have to remove the offending words which will be tricky or else it will land in moderation again

    words that may have landed it in moderation…it could be the word aattttttack, only spelled properly. or anything to do with reliiiigion or graphic s*xx or possibly cursing…

  232.  #233Esteemed on September 13, 2011 at 6:45 pm


    I don’t think you come across negatively. But even if you do, it’s OK. This is a place for remodeling.

  233.  #234Miss Bells on September 13, 2011 at 6:53 pm

    It did come out. I still don’t know what flagged it.
    I sent the email.
    The man is I am dealing with is my ex-boyfriend. We have been on and off for four years, mostly on.
    But, this is the first time I have moved out. I am CDing. he appears to be flirting etc, but he could imagine to himself that he is just being “friendly”. If I find out that is what he thinks I will cut him off completely. Now I am just leaning back.
    He is on POF but nothing has come of it.
    I want him back but only on the terms I desire (a real commitment) He is 62, never married, only child, no kids, orphan. I am 55 and buried my 3rd husband several years ago. I have known him for 25 years, lost track in 1994, reconnected in 2007. We were always mutually attracted, just bad timing till then.

  234.  #235tinque on September 13, 2011 at 7:10 pm

    Emerson – Yes it feels weird, kind of empty, a void when someone leaves you. He will or he won’t come back; this isn’t up to you (hypothetical you), but what is up to you is focusing on you, your healing, your growth, your expansion. This us the kind of energy which will draw him back, maybe. Then you get to decide if you want him.

    It feels so awful when being left happens to you, but it does get better, easier.


  235.  #236AmazingMe on September 13, 2011 at 7:10 pm

    So many awesome stories! I love it here because I learn more about who I am and what I really want in life not just with men…. but myself!! For that I will always be greatful! Thanks! LONG DAY!…MUCH LOVE…..XOXO

  236.  #237Susan on September 13, 2011 at 7:20 pm

    RE: 234: Miss Bells

    IMHO, if you want the chair, ask for the chair. Whether things work out with him or not, you still need a comfy place to sit while you work.

  237.  #238Miss Bells on September 13, 2011 at 7:30 pm

    Yeah… that’s what I thought too. He is bringing it.
    I thought to myself– Would a siren sit in on an uncomfortable couch and do her writing? Or wait for a man to call before taking care of her own comfort? Not a chance!
    The Feeling Message emails are not really leany forwardy anyhow. This works. He has been signing himself Love HS and calling me regularly. He also forwarded me a funny email, but that one I did not respond to.

  238.  #239Emerson on September 13, 2011 at 7:39 pm

    thanks Esteemed Tinque and LILI

    232 AG and Esteemed too,,,,regarding moderation, it’s kinda funny because I mentioned BJs once a few days ago I think, and it didn’t land in moderation. LOL 😯 We’ll see if this one does. I don’t know why but I feel like laughing. You can say BJ but you cannot mention Je$us… 🙄

  239.  #240Emerson on September 13, 2011 at 7:40 pm

    I like giving BJs! hahaha…I do though. I am comfortable to admit that.

  240.  #241Emerson on September 13, 2011 at 7:41 pm

    Ok anyway,,,I have some work to do so no more trolling my new online dating site and the siren blog for the next couple hours…. xoxo love to all of you sirens mwah!

  241.  #242Emoticon on September 13, 2011 at 7:41 pm

    Emerson ure not alone. I have no prob admitting it either!!! I’m beginning to wonder if its not leaning forward tho

  242.  #243Emoticon on September 13, 2011 at 7:43 pm

    Ok Emerson ttyl!!!! Muah! Xoxo

  243.  #244Susan on September 13, 2011 at 7:47 pm

    238: Miss Bells

    I am also 55 with a man who is very skittish about commitment. Well…. he WAS. He still hasn’t said the L word but of his own volition had the total commitment talk with me. This happened about 9 months into our relationship and after he jokingly referred to me as his friend and his pal. I got quiet and then told him I wasn’t interested in being his friend and if that was all we had, I would begin accepting invitations from other men the next day. He objected. I shrugged and repeated myself. I asked for nothing from him. And I didn’t use feeling messages because I don’t use feeling messages when I define a boundary. A boundary simply IS. I don’t care how he feels about it. If I’m only a friend to him, then I will begin my search for a man who will offer me his heart. He clumsily stated his commitment offer that night and I just listened and nodded and told him I’d think about it. So two days after that, he made a point of making a well thought out and emotional commitment speech to me and that is the one where I accepted his offer and offered my commitment as well.

    What I am trying to say her is… He needs to work for you or he won’t see your value.

  244.  #245Miss Bells on September 13, 2011 at 7:50 pm

    Re 242:
    It’s not leaning forward if YOU really like it. And aren’t just doing it because you think they like it. Though they almost certainly do. They can tell the difference.
    BTW, with the right one I like it too;-D

  245.  #246AmazingMe on September 13, 2011 at 7:57 pm

    Susan “He needs to work for you or he won’t see your value.” I love it!

  246.  #247Mel on September 13, 2011 at 7:59 pm

    Hi Sirens!

    Today my date cancelled because he was feeling under the weather. But he said he was disappointed and wanted to reschedule for Saturday. Then he asked if he could call me later to talk. That was nice. He didn’t want me to feel like he flaked-out.

    Thursday I have another CD (that I quite appreciate). He’s been treating me to dinners/drinks every time we go out, and I was feeling a little bad about that. I know, I should be comfortable just to receive, but this is all a big experiment, so I said “Wow, it feels so nice to be treated to dinner all the time. I feel spoiled! I wonder what it would feel like if I were to treat you next time, as an experiment? What do you think?” He laughed and said it was his pleasure, but that he would let me try my experiment.

    Nothing was solidly confirmed, so I get a text from him this morning: “Was I too vague about Thursday..are you able to do something? Are we doing something? I’ve been craving Mexican since you told me about living there!”

    I asked him what time/place and I get an email saying:

    “Well seeing how you are paying to take me out, you may pick me up at my house. I will leave copies of NFL Weekly and Guns and Ammo on the coffee table for you to read while waiting patiently for me to finish getting ready. ;)”

    K, this guy is so amazingly funny! I swear every second thing out of his mouth cracks me up! I feel lucky to have met him. I so desire fun in my life!

    Finally, my “friend” D told me today that he finds my candor and honesty “adorable.” I am a FM siren today I guess!

    I have met some really nice men! 🙂

  247.  #248Miss Bells on September 13, 2011 at 8:00 pm

    244: Thanks Susan. That is a good story…
    For a long time I was pretty trapped. I lost everything when my husband died, and the economy was tanking. HS said he was leaving to move to another city and wanted me to rent his house. We had been keeping company all summer at that point, but no sex. Just dating.
    I moved in and he came back 26 days later. I had no more money left for a security deposit. He is very well off, and knew that he had talked me out of staying where I was, and had now lost the other place.
    We were like two porcupines at first, but began a relationship. I got into Rori’s stuff about a year in. It has helped greatly, but I could never lean back enough because I was LIVING there without a commitment and he felt he had me where he wanted me. But, in August he acted out too much, and I found a way out. He knows that I am on POF and that I know he is too. So we are back to square one. We are circling other once again, but this time I won’t be a porcupine, I won’t chase him, and I don’t live with him.

  248.  #249Butterfly wings on September 13, 2011 at 8:09 pm

    Ooooh Susan!! Your post really resonated with me because TH has this thing about keeping me at a distance and he sometimes refers to me as his “friend”. Funny thing though is that literally everybody else knows I’m much more to him and that he’d do anything for me and loves being with me!

    But his words contradict his actions at times.

    I really like how you put that to him about not wanting to be his friend etc. I think I’ll use a version of that with TH.

    What’s good about this is that I have no fear of losing him because I am now his one and only and he’s definitely not looking for someone else. And I also know that he’d rather hang out with me than his friends most of the time.

    On another note I’m still hormonal and am feeling a little down. On the upside, after over 11 years, I’ve finally taken action to make my first ex start paying me child support. Why should I struggle while he lives the high life by shirking his respinsibilities??? No more mister!!! She’s your daughter too so you also get to support her!!!

  249.  #250alias girl on September 13, 2011 at 9:22 pm

    i practiced a little more with the five second smile today. one lady smiled so wide at me i felt scared. lol.

    but overall, people seem a lot more friendly towards me. which feels startling sometimes but i like it.

    and one persistent guy on pof— everytime he emailed i said “i feel bored.”

    i couldn’t help it. i just feel so over it.

    but then he emailed that maybe if we go on a date i won’t feel bored. i told him that didn’t sound boring at all but exciting.

    my message to him was completely void of fm but
    i knew that when i wrote it and i sent it anyway because that is what i wanted to say.

  250.  #251English Woman on September 13, 2011 at 9:43 pm

    #197 SLV

    How funny, I am like the Sirens who are picking out the china on the first date or thinking of babies names LOL!! I have only had a few chats with this man and there my head goes, right into the future LOL!!!

    Oh mucho learning to do LOL!! 🙂

  251.  #252Emerson on September 13, 2011 at 9:46 pm

    AG that’s awesome about the 5 second smile…I didn’t really do it today. Tomorrow I will!!

    Hmm I realized now that I’m more in tune with my feelings that I’m actually shy sometimes and feel insecure, even going into a store or restaurant and ordering something, at times I feel nervous!

    I noticed I have compensated by rushing through the process and acting decisive even though I REALLY didn’t even take the time to see what I really wanted!!
    I’m trying to change that!

  252.  #253Emerson on September 13, 2011 at 9:47 pm

    242 Emoticon


  253.  #254Emerson on September 13, 2011 at 9:48 pm

    245 Miss Bells good point if we like it then it’s not necessarily leaning forward, especially if other stuff is going before that 😀 and we didn’t initiate the physical contact in the first place. Now I really wish Recycled would call me after all this steamy talk! Blech! haha 😯

  254.  #255Reba on September 13, 2011 at 9:49 pm

    Hi Ladies,

    I just need some reinforcement/support. I just wanna know am I doing the right thing. I’ve dated a man for almost 3 years. we’ve broken up 3 times. this is our third time. Our first break up was 9 months into the relationship. the second was 10 months later and the third was 3 months ago.
    Every time was due to him not wanting to commit. Everytime i’ve broken up with him. And every time he’d contact me and chase me for about 2 months then I’d cave and give in. except for this 3rd time. this last time he’s chased and chased and has done everything to try to get back with me. I’ve stuck to my guns and won’t answer his emails, texts and phone calls. then Friday he called and of all of the times I decided to answer and wouldn’t you know he only spoke about seeing each other but not about wanting to commit.

    Here’s some back ground info. We’ve had an amazing relationship since day 1. Two arguments our entire relationship. We’ve met each other’s family. We are in our 30’s, no kids, we’ve never been married. We are a few hours apart (LDR)
    He says I’m special, amazing when we are together he says we have so much fun. We usually saw each other 2 weekends out of the month. We’ve gone on multiple trips together and had a blast every time.

    We used to say we loved each other all of the time but after the first breakup we’ve only said it once. I initiated it after the first breakup but I noticed he never initiated it since. And we’ve never discussed the love, children or marriage topic since before the first breakup.
    Before the first break up he’s always known that I wanted a commitment and at the time he was ok with it too. After the first breakup, Sometimes I noticed he’d become distant when we were together. So I’d give him plenty of space.
    I’d even stopped initiating contact with him.
    During our last 6 months I never initiated any contact/visits he always did and our relationship had gotten even more amazing. He communicated all of the time. I leaned back and let him row.
    I’ve been circular dating many men. I enjoy it too. I’ve never told him though. but it’s just not the same with the other men. I even have 2 dates with 2 different men this weekend but it’s just not him.

    I told him 3 months ago I couldn’t go on without a commitment. He told me he couldn’t commit due to his career and just plain fear. When we spoke friday he told me that he was in town for work for the weekend and he thinks about me alot but quesions if he made the right decision about us.
    He said he just wanted to see me again, he missed me and asked why I haven’t been responding to him. I told him I didn’t want to get my hopes up and I didn’t want to see him. I told him not to call again until he decides he wants a future with me. I told him to take all of the time he needed but no contact. He told me that he thought by now my feelings would have changed.
    He told me that he thought I would be upset with him for not making a decision about us by now since it’s been 3 months since the breakup. I told him nonchalantly…that’s life, it’s dating….it is what it is. He told me that he needed to continue to process us in his mind but he still cared a lot for me.

    He called me that night after work and left a vm stating that he wanted to see me and continue our conversation. I never returned the call. I really want to send him the message that I’m done with this craziness.
    I am trying to be very strong with this 3rd break up and so far I have been. It’s been 3 months and counting. Does anyone have advice? What am I doing wrong?
    I miss him but I’m not getting any younger. I’m sick of these breakups with him? What do I do to get him to commit??? How do I turn this around???
    BTW, I am his second girlfriend, the first to meet his family. Could he have commitment issues??? What do I do???

  255.  #256Emerson on September 13, 2011 at 9:49 pm

    Hi EW!! 😀

  256.  #257English Woman on September 13, 2011 at 10:10 pm

    #220 Emoticon

    Maybe just answer yes or no, one word answers or don’t answer at all? You don’t have to reply to anybody if you don’t feel like, do you? Then maybe she will slowly fade out of your life just like all those other people that come in……..and out.

  257.  #258English Woman on September 13, 2011 at 10:17 pm

    #222 Emerson

    I don’t think you sound negative or annoying at all and I’m sure nobody else does either!!

    It IS a lot to take in, and I am still conflicted with the different coaches who get copied onto this blog.

    For instance Carol

    “When we were first married, my husband used to be a “silent screamer.”

    We’d have a disagreement, and in an effort to not say something he’d later regret – he wouldn’t say anything at all.

    Sometimes for days…

    Ah, good times.

    Fortunately for me, I knew about this wounded ego stuff.

    Because MINE would go completely crazy when this would happen.

    I’d think to myself, “How dare he shut me out? I’m his WIFE… How dare he not talk to me, of all people! Who the heck does he think he is? I don’t deserve this…”

    And on and on I’d spin.

    But I knew NOT to react to the voices in my head.

    I knew that if I did – I’d BLOW it and he’d really shut me out, and perhaps never talk to me again.

    I chose to believe him that he was trying to protect me from what he MIGHT do or say, and that he simply needed time to chill out and get back to a place of peace toward me and our relationship.

    In his mind, he was actually being loving, although it sure didn’t feel like it to me.

    But I chose to trust the man I’d pledged my life to – and instead of being bratty, or pissy, or pushy with him, I’d be kind.

    And I’d do what most women don’t know to do.

    I’d make my priority our relationship, and NOT my feelings, and I’d say, “I’m sorry we’re having a rough time – I know we’re better than this. I miss you and look forward to talking and connecting again when you feel ready. Let me know if there’s anything you need from me.”

    And then I’d LEAVE HIM ALONE.

    And guess what? He’d always come around – quickly.

    And pretty soon his silent screaming episodes got shorter, and shorter, and less and less often, and now they never happen at all.”

    See now this is NOT how I would react to this situation instead I would get very angry or pissed off or whatever but defo not like this Carol lady…….does this tie in with the RR way??

    Well he is her husband not just a CD, so there is more of a bond I
    suppose………..mmmmmm……..feeling very confused dot com here. 🙂

  258.  #259English Woman on September 13, 2011 at 10:18 pm

    #256 Emerson

    Top of the morning to you. 😀

  259.  #260Emerson on September 13, 2011 at 10:34 pm

    EW good morning or good evening I should say from my time zone! 😉

    This part of Carol’s story really has me boggled:

    “I’d make my priority our relationship, and NOT my feelings, and I’d say, “I’m sorry we’re having a rough time – I know we’re better than this. I miss you and look forward to talking and connecting again when you feel ready. Let me know if there’s anything you need from me.”

    I’m not so sure this lines up with Rori’s tools…not putting feelings first? Huh?

    Rori? Tinque? Feedback??

    I’m feeling a bit confused.
    Asking if he “needs anything?” after he’s been acting angry and shutting her out?

    That sounds very codenpendent-ey to me. I mean, it sounds like according to her, it is working and she cured him of these silent rages..but hmm I dunno.

    I would feel angry and hurt, and use a feeling message to tell him: “I feel ignored, angry and hurt. I don’t want us to not talk. What do you think?”

  260.  #261Emerson on September 13, 2011 at 10:34 pm

    and EW thanks for your kind words in 258

  261.  #262Emerson on September 13, 2011 at 10:38 pm

    And yes I agree with Carole’s idea to leave him alone, sometimes it’s good to let them stew in their cave or whatever!

    But I am not liking the other part..the quote I mentioned in 260. To me, it almost sounds needy, little girly, whiney, abused wife-ish.

    Just spewing out my raw impressions…I welcome sirens comments…

  262.  #263English Woman on September 13, 2011 at 10:40 pm

    #260 Emerson


    Well of course I should have said in the past I would get pissed off or angry but of course putting myself into this hypothetical scenario these days I would use a FM…….unlike the author who seems to stuff down her feelings……….confused? Much?? Me??


    I just want to be myself, genuine, authentic, feeling messages good and not so good……..not that I have done too much of that except on POF. 😀

  263.  #264Emerson on September 13, 2011 at 10:40 pm

    255 @ Reba,
    Welcome to the blog and ((HUGS))

  264.  #265English Woman on September 13, 2011 at 10:42 pm

    #255 Reba

    Welcome to the blog, you seem to be doing OK, not that I would know being such a newbie Siren myself. I know you will get lots of good advise if you stick around.


  265.  #266Emerson on September 13, 2011 at 10:43 pm

    Reba, It sounds to me like you’re being very strong and being true to yourself.

    It’s so hard to stand your ground when you have feelings for someone and want to spend time with them….but such a turn off to know that there is no committment and it’s always “pending”….blech.

    My heart goes out to you.

    I encourage you to stay on your “horse”…meaning stay on course to your happy ever after. I’m not sure how familiar you are with Rori’s tools. ….

    I wish I had years ago and I wouldn’t have wasted time with a man that I really loved and supposedly loved me, but we did not want the same things. Sucked.

    Anywho….it sounds like you’re on the right track. Men can be very charming and convincing, but the fact you’re dating is great.

    I knwo what you mean it’s not the same as being with him…but you never know who may be right around the corner….

  266.  #267Emerson on September 13, 2011 at 10:59 pm

    EW good for you practicing feeling messages on POF!!

  267.  #268Emerson on September 13, 2011 at 11:04 pm

    “but you never know who may be right around the corner….”
    I meant this as in you never know if your new love is around the corner…just to clarify

  268.  #269XTI on September 13, 2011 at 11:41 pm

    (((hugs))) I feel sympathetic to you. Thanks for sharing your story.

    A couple thoughts came to mind as I read your comment and I hope you find it helpful.

    I like how you have said he can’t have you all to himself while he makes up his mind. Why not go ahead and let him know you are dating others?

    And, if he steps up and invites you out and you are free and feel like going, accept. If not, say what you feel. Are you feeling fear about having the same conversation? Are you feeling bored? Etc.

    What I felt was missing from your process was the warm, open heart and your true feelings. Maybe adding that in will help you.

    I love that you are circular dating. One key to feeling successful for me was in treating all my dates equally. Instead of expecting a commitment and taking an all or nothing approach with him, perhaps you can “demote” him back to the same level as your other dates? It really helps to keep the focus on you, what you want, how you feel and the relationship you desire.

    When opportunity knocks, I open the door. I don’t necessarily throw it wide open and offer my sofa anymore though, 🙂 but I do want to see what’s there.

    Can you see going to dinner with him if he truly stepped up? Can you see yourself staying open and warm as you honestly state your feelings, even as they shift moment by moment based on how the date unfolds?

    I’m glad you had the courage to post. I hope others chime in too.

  269.  #270English Woman on September 13, 2011 at 11:41 pm

    #267 Emerson

    I was very naughty last night on POF LOL!! This old,old codger keeps sending me emails and I have already given him my standard “no thank you” email but he persists……… last night I gave him a FM of a kind

    “I don’t feel we are a match made in heaven”

    LOL!! Not strictly RR but it made me FEEL better. 🙂

    On another note thanks to your asking me about my dance down country lanes and my reply saying I was feeling too tired, then that started me thinking about how much better in myself I felt just that short time ago, thinking about it all day yesterday and listening to Abe and stuff again and somehow it has motivated me and I have been out this morning at 6.45am, just got back, so a big THANK YOU to you, I really do feel better when I exercise as much as I don’t want to. Gotta get myself back into the vortex!!!

  270.  #271Emerson on September 14, 2011 at 12:16 am

    191 SLV thanks for posting…
    I like the song and she is darling!! I want those jeans, super cute!

    Oh and Akon is quite the eye candy…Yummy yummy!

  271.  #272Emerson on September 14, 2011 at 12:18 am

    270 aww EW you are most welcome…I feel all soft and happy and sentimental toward you….
    I am glad to hear you are up and at ’em again and skipping down the lane maybe with MJ??…. hugs and smiles to you. 🙂

  272.  #273Emerson on September 14, 2011 at 12:23 am

    XTI nice to see you here 🙂

  273.  #274Butterfly Wings on September 14, 2011 at 3:00 am

    🙁 No word from TH today so far, and only saw him from a distance at work today. I’m such a control freak, so leaning back and not contacting him is killing me! But I WILL control myself!

    I want to buy a new car and he knows a lot about cars, so I’m waiting for him to contact me so I can ask him for his advice. Argh!

    In the meantime, I’m having a really nice night at home with my daughter – and trying not to think about him…!!!

  274.  #275Daria on September 14, 2011 at 3:36 am

    Emerson – Rori says not to use the word “hurt” … it triggers a man

  275.  #276Daria on September 14, 2011 at 3:43 am

    Assuming he’s being loving lines up with what Rori teaches…

    putting the relationship first does too…

    but with Rori yes putting our feelings first is part of that…

    I think Carol does express her feelings when she says “i miss you”

    and “im sorry we have a hard time”…

    her approach is non-blaming and does communicate her feelings and puts the relationship first…

    the ‘not putting my feelings first’ statement sounds like a poor word choice…

    she could go with…

    I’m sorry we’re having a rough time… I miss you and it would feel great to connect again when you’re ready…

    and that in itself im sure would work great too…

  276.  #277English Woman on September 14, 2011 at 4:26 am

    #275 Daria

    That is interesting about the word “hurt” – why does RR say it will trigger a man? As in make him angry you mean?

    Wow how differently men must think from women, if somebody told me that I had hurt them, I would feel ever so guilty and then try and make amends.

  277.  #278Daria on September 14, 2011 at 4:36 am

    because he knows he can “hurt” you and that will trigger him to feel guilty which is difficult and triggered… leading todefensive – no bueno

    we want to communicate in a way as much not about the other person ‘doing something to us’ as possible

    since he can ‘hurt us’ and men are inwardly very sensitive about this, then when we say ‘hurt’ it will trigger him as him having hurt us
    so we avoid the word you and words that might come across as blaming… ‘hurt’ is a very triggering word

    when people are triggered, their defenses come up, open heart communication is much more difficul

  278.  #279Daria on September 14, 2011 at 4:38 am

    EW – exactly, for you, it triggers you, to feel guilty…

    so then your defense kicks up – in this case is to try to ‘fix it’ – blocking vulnerabilty by overfunctioning to control how the other person feels (so they don’t feel ‘bad’)

    you probably have a ‘you first’ life theme going on there (from Toxic Men program)

  279.  #280Butterfly Wings on September 14, 2011 at 4:42 am

    I know I’m telling myself stories, but it now makes sense why TH has pulled back today (which is unlike how he’s been lately). I won’t go into it here but it involves another woman who’s back in town after being away for a while…

    Anyway, I’m going to lean right back and let him contact me if and when he’s ready. If he doesn’t contact me today though, it’ll be the longest he’s not contacted me since I can remember – months?? Sigh…

    I feel really sad and confused right now but I know I need to move my focus on to me. AND I also need these hormones to calm down!!

    Going to go clean my room. Night sirens xxx

  280.  #281English Woman on September 14, 2011 at 4:54 am

    You first?

    Oh yes you “know” me too well Miss Daria. 🙂

    And after SLV’s comments to me on the meeting for a coffee and the travelling to the CD, I can see I need an overhaul. 🙁

    I will start reading the ebook again tonight………

  281.  #282English Woman on September 14, 2011 at 4:57 am

    #278 Daria

    Thank you for your explanation, it’s all starting to sink in.

    It feels like I am very slow on the uptake with all this stuff whilst other Sirens just seem to get it after one blog……..

    How do you STOP yourself saying the wrong thing? See I am one of those people who thinks very fast and sometimes it’s out of my mouth before I have given it a thought…….maybe I need to slow down and think (or feel) first!!

  282.  #283English Woman on September 14, 2011 at 4:59 am

    Is there a list of triggering words somewhere? I seem to have missed this though I do only have the e book and one set of DVD’s in storage…….and can’t afford any more at the moment. 🙁

  283.  #284Reba on September 14, 2011 at 5:21 am

    Thank you Ladies for the helpful comments.

    You have great suggestions XTI. I never thought about demoting him. But I think at this point I would once again come off as “getting back” together with him. I guess I need to think about that. I haven’t initiated contact in sooo long with him. That’s something to think about.
    Your are so right about my warm feelings. I haven’t really expressed them to him since the first breakup. I stopped because I felt I didn’t want to make him run away from me by expressing those kinds of feelings. I only bring up our future when I’m breaking up with him. He hasn’t brought up us and a future/commitment since the first breakup.
    it’s crazy because if we aren’t traveling for our jobs he always wants to see me. He even texted and asked to see me for his b-day since our 3rd breakup. I never responded.

    CD helps with the sting of getting past the initial hurt of a breakup and I’d suggest it to any woman. the men I’ve met have been amazing I have such an amazing time on everyone of my dates. they’ve always wanted to see me again and take me out. Even when I don’t respond because i’m busy with work. They always are checking in to see if I’m not busy so we can hang out.
    We have great conversation, laughter, fun. I haven’t even gotten close to thinking about sex with any of them it’s just fun for me.

    I get RR’s newsletter and I have her book, “have the relationship you want”. I’ve used some of her feeling techniques but only during my breakup discussion with him. I know that’s really bad too. I’ve been reading RR’s info for about 11 months now. When I broke up with him the second time I got her book and began the newsletters.
    While CDing i’ve been using feeling messages because I’m trying it out on new guys and I’m learning from it. With my ex I’d get stuck when I want to use the feeling messages. I know I should use them. on occasion i’d use the positive ones with him. I keep the feelings of anger and sadness to my self. Then months later when he thinks everything is going great. I stop the momentum and breakup with him because I’ve been waiting for him to ask me for a commitment.

    If he stepped up and said something about us I would go to dinner with him and discuss what we are both feeling.
    I think also It’s diffucult to get over this guy because we didn’t have your typical problems people usually go through when dating for example, cheating, looking at the opposite sex, being disrespectful, arguments, etc.
    It was just beautiful. No drama. Much laughter and fun.

  284.  #285Mel on September 14, 2011 at 5:21 am

    Butterfly Wings:

    “I want to buy a new car and he knows a lot about cars, so I’m waiting for him to contact me so I can ask him for his advice. Argh!”

    Maybe the other sirens can weigh-in on this, but my first thought was that it may not necessarily be leaning forward to ask him for advice on cars. Your question has absolutely noting to do with the relationship, and the guys I know LOVE to help and offer advice in their areas of expertise.

    Could you say something like “I feel curious about something. I’m deciding between X car and Y car but I would like to get an informed opinion. I know you know a lot about cars… what do you think?”

    Just my 2¢

  285.  #286Lyka on September 14, 2011 at 5:24 am

    EW, you’re not the only one doing that. I too have a bad habit of talking too quickly and even though I have to stop and think before I express myself while I’m at work (with customers), I still have to check myself and there are times where it’s not easy, even with people out of my workplace. There will always be stuff that will trigger us when we least expect it and that’s when we have to stop and breathe to let the right words come to us.

  286.  #287Femininewoman on September 14, 2011 at 5:41 am

    Butterfly Wings/Mel on the car issue, I would use the time he is in his man cave to go window shopping. After looking at several options and maybe in a place whre I am confuzzled about which car to choose, hybrid vs standard, car vs SUV, 4 cylinder vs 6 cylinder then maybe I would ask. For me it would give me more info to hold a conversation and be clear about exactly what I want to talk about. You might even need his help to negotiate pricing and additoinal options with the dealer as it is notorious that women get ripped off in the car industry because of our lack of knowledge.

  287.  #288Mel on September 14, 2011 at 5:41 am

    English Woman:

    “Is there a list of triggering words somewhere?”

    I wish there were! I’ve made this mistake a lot with FMs. Just see the fact that you’re using at hem at all as progress… and slowly as you start to figure out whet you’re really feeling, it will get easier not to be blamey.

    FW, Daria, SLV, Tinque and others coached me a lot through this. The best piece of advice they gave me was when I was feeling something (eg. hurt) to dig deeper and focus on my body before I expressed.

    So… I feel hurt.

    And how does that make me feel? I feel all alone. I feel insignificant. I feel sad.

    And this makes me feel like my heart is breaking. My chest feels tight and I feel crushed.

    Once I had it broken down, if I still felt the need to express, I’d use these terms. At first, it might be good to ONLY express how your body feels. There’s absolutely no way that that can come across as blamey.

    The other thing I slowly came to realize was that my feelings were very much directed at myself… even if I was blaming him. Not sure if this makes sense, but when I felt angry, if I dug a little deeper, I discovered that the anger really wasn’t AT him at all. I was really angry with myself. For letting myself get into whatever situation, for not standing up for myself, or for not honoring my own feelings.

    A quick example… while ex was a student we didn’t have a lot of money. I was earning the only income and there was never much left at the end of the month. Sometimes he’d just go and do something for himself like get a haircut, buy a new shirt, go for lunch with friends and I’d feel really angry and resentful. When I really examined it though, I was really angry at myself for not giving ME what I needed. Angry that I allowed myself to wear ill-fitting clothes, allowed myself to go far too long between haircuts, and to turn down invitations. I was angry at myself for sacrificing everything… for losing myself in the process.

    Hope this helps!

  288.  #289Butterfly wings on September 14, 2011 at 5:56 am

    Thanks Mel and FW. I don’t want to initiate contact while he’s in his cave but I do like the words you used Mel.

    And FW I think you read my mind! I found a few cars online and have arranged to go take a look on Saturday.

    He’ll be out of town visiting his mother that day and I wasn’t invited, so I figured it would be a perfect opportunity to go window shopping for cars and maybe test drive a few!

    We have plans together on Sunday so I could then ask for his advice then.

    That’s if I hear from him that is! Argh!

  289.  #290Mel on September 14, 2011 at 5:56 am

    I feel like I got the best compliment from my bee “friend” yesterday.

    I think we get along quite well and are both going through the aftermath of LTR breakups. I find his support comforting and I think he would say the same thing about me. We have some great conversations about some sometimes very sensitive topics. I really enjoy practicing FMs on him and feel really comfortable talking to him about anything. We were discussing the whole sex and friends with benefits thing (not with each other) and this is what he said:

    “hilarious! I love your candor about getting what you want. its admirable.”

    I said I felt concerned that he would get the wrong impression of me. That what I really wanted was to find someone I felt I could trust and respect FIRST.

    he said: ” I think you are great, and smart, and super respectful. so no worries about what i think of you. the best thing is you are honest (even about being horny) and makes me feel comfortable and relaxed around you.”

    I felt very complimented by that and proud of myself. I’ve come a long way!!!

  290.  #291Femininewoman on September 14, 2011 at 6:00 am

    Reba just my two cents…

    This “I told him not to call again until he decides he wants a future with me. I told him to take all of the time he needed but no contact” comes across to me like you are talking to your child. It also comes across as if you want to take over the lead in the relationship. He will do what he wants to do maybe if you tell him how you feel, your dreams for your life will make a difference. I would maybe share my heart’s desire to be happy and what I need to be happy. At the same time tell him that I want him to be happy too. I would not repeat myself or ask about a commitment again. I would just let him know I am fiercely committed to my happiness and my life and am doing what I need to do to take of myself.

    This “I told him nonchalantly…that’s life, it’s dating….it is what it is” might come across as inauthentic if you are feeling disappointed with the breakup and missing him. Maybe playing cool and coming across as a game to him. It might be better to tell him the pain you feel in your heart because you still have feelings for him and would appreciate if he respects your feelings and only contact you if things have changed with his decision process.

    Breakups can feel like a roller coaster ride that can feel really nauseous. If you are done with uncomitted casual dating I would say that. I do believe him about his feelings though and would look closely internally to see if there is something I need to heal around intimacy. It sounds to me like he might be feeling a little off balance, which in my humble opinion suggests that you are doing some things right. I would work on amping up my self esteem and reinforcing my boundaries to shift my vibe even more, maybe change up some things about your look. I am cheering for you though.

  291.  #292Mel on September 14, 2011 at 6:08 am

    FW… what do you think of my “i’ll pay next time” experiment? Do you ever feel bad for allowing men to pay all the time? I do so love his response though! LOL

  292.  #293Femininewoman on September 14, 2011 at 6:11 am

    RE Mel just one small suggestion… I would look at what I am feeling and thinking when saying such things as “I said I felt concerned that he would get the wrong impression of me”. To me it suggests some beating up on oneself, some discomfort around what you might want in your life as if questioning whether you really deserve and possibly some approval seeking/convincing behavior. As I have seen both Rori and CCarter write, make eternal peace with what you want in your life so when you comminicate about it you do so from a place of confidence. What he thinks should cause no concern to you because it is what you want.

  293.  #294Susan on September 14, 2011 at 6:12 am

    RE: 282 SLV

    You said: “How do you STOP yourself saying the wrong thing? See I am one of those people who thinks very fast and sometimes it’s out of my mouth before I have given it a thought…….maybe I need to slow down and think (or feel) first!!”

    That is exactly my problem! And it is hard to slow it down, but it takes a little while for your inner girl to discern what she is feeling and then to choose the right words. This has been one of the hardest things for me.

  294.  #295Mel on September 14, 2011 at 6:16 am


    Oh… I cut out some in-between things. I said I feel concerned… after he sort of teased me a bit.

  295.  #296Femininewoman on September 14, 2011 at 6:16 am

    RE 292 I have to read about that experiment but I used to feel that way. Now no more. As a matter of fact my experience is that guys automatically go to their pockets to pick up the tab. When in a committed relationship though I would do it. Maybe also after a guy has demonstrated who he really is by paying 90% of the time and after some time and history together I would do it. It is something I have done in the past and found that some guys appreciate it. I find masculine men though feel insulted at times and insist that they pick up the tab. Experimenting is good though because you get to clarify what can be created and what effect it has on the guy but I definitely would not do it early on.

  296.  #297Susan on September 14, 2011 at 6:18 am

    RE: 292: Mel

    I admit I do this (pay) from time to time – but it is rare. In the case of the boat club I belong to, I HAVE to pay. I am the member. They don’t take cash or credit cards. The charges are applied to the member’s ID# and then a monthly bill is sent in the mail. He CAN’T pay there. What I tell him is that the boat club is MY thing. That I’d be going there with or without him because I love it there and I also love his company. I also say (a lot) that he spoils me so much and so often, that I like to reciprocate to show my appreciation.

    My man is out of work. If we depended on his finances every single time we did anything, we wouldn’t do much. It is a difficult dance to not step on his feelings and stay in girl energy while still having fun and doing things. And he does prefer to pay. I prefer it too.

  297.  #298Mel on September 14, 2011 at 6:19 am

    FW: It’s in 247

  298.  #299Femininewoman on September 14, 2011 at 6:22 am

    RE 247 Mel this “well seeing how you are paying to take me out, you may pick me up at my house. I will leave copies of NFL Weekly and Guns and Ammo on the coffee table for you to read while waiting patiently for me to finish getting ready” felt very off putting and and had me feeling dizzy like I am affected by vertigo. I read it as him telling you that he is feeling emasculated and that you have taken over the masculine role. It seems it is what he expects females to do or might be his experience in the past. It is my experience that men who are besotted and smitten by their women want to spoil them. I would encourage you to get used to it if that is what he wants and just appreciate him when he does.

  299.  #300Femininewoman on September 14, 2011 at 6:25 am

    RE 297 Susan I believe it is okay in a committed relationship but when dating whoever invites pays and as Rori says we should not be initiating. Mel’s case to be is a very early dating situation because it is not even a month yet.

  300.  #301Femininewoman on September 14, 2011 at 6:30 am

    RE 294 Susan I have a boss who will literally say give me a minute to wrap my mind around it and takes the time to think right in front of you. I have sometimes just put up my hand to indicate that I am checking in with myself or maybe close my eyes and sink in my seat with a slumped shoulder or put my hand over my mouth to slow myself down.

  301.  #302Femininewoman on September 14, 2011 at 6:34 am

    RE 289 Buttefly Wings please remember he owes you nothing. He is entitled to take this time off to do what he wants with whom he wants and when he wants. That’s him taking care of his own needs and respecting his boundary for space in an interdependent relational style. If you remain in your own business taking care of your own needs when he comes back nothing will spill out sideways that you might be upset about him not including you in his life during this time that he chose to take care of his issues himself. Trust that he will come back missing you.

  302.  #303Mel on September 14, 2011 at 6:37 am

    Re: 299

    I wasn’t turned off at all by his comment at all. He’s got an extremely sarcastic sense of humour (as do I) and this was just him being funny and playful. Out of context, I could see why you would think it off-putting though. He’s VERY jokey. One of our first conversations was about sarcasm. In my profile I said that I have a wacky sarcastic sense of humour. He said that in the city where we live, people often mistake his sarcasm for him being “flip” and liked that I can appreciate it. It’s funny, because we both grew up in the same city and people there tend to be a little more dry and sarcastic. Here, people are more politically correct. A very government town.

    I do think that he would prefer to pay. That I got from him laughing at my experiment and saying it was “his pleasure.” I’m just wondering how to get past the “feeling bad” thing… especially with a man that WANTS to do the paying?

  303.  #304Femininewoman on September 14, 2011 at 6:39 am

    Listening to Phyllis Chase on this month’s interview with Rori I had some aha moments. She referred to people hoarding animals, playing games on the internet and hoarding anything as a way to avoid intimacy rather than looking for ways to heal oneself of the wounds of childhood. She explained how animals are awesome at giving unconditional love and that people should be giving that to themselves rather than hoarding animals. It just gave me more motivation to declutter my environment of clothes, papers etc.

  304.  #305Emoticon on September 14, 2011 at 6:42 am

    Those Sirens who are having a hard time with saying the wrong thing, I realize that with my ex I have a lot of silent moments where I’m just sitting there feeling the way I’m feeling asking my body for a feeling, like a stomach drop, burning eyes or whatever n I know why I’m feeling that because I’m sad or whatever I may be feeling at the time. So while all this is going on he comes 2 me and asks what’s wrong or what I’m thinking about. So since I’ve had all this time to focus on my feelings and how to express them in the way that focuses on ME. How I feel, what I don’t want, what I don’t wanna have to do etc… So when he comes I just say it. But I always take my little silent moment 2 deal with myself and let him come over to me lol. I guess if he didn’t come one day I could go back over 2 him later and b like “is this a good time to talk?” Then just let him know! That’s how I like to do it. I hope this helps somebody.

  305.  #306Femininewoman on September 14, 2011 at 6:46 am

    Mel while I look for a previous quote from Daria on sarcasm, just bear in mind that it cannot build romance. This trait could also be one of those quirks that many coaches talk about that endear us to a guy and eventually become a trigger later.

    I would explore to find out if I am hiding feelings in my body of unworthiness. Being that you chose a situation that you were initially struggling around finances and helping out your husband it might be helpful to look at your parents relationship around money and what you were taught.

  306.  #307Susan on September 14, 2011 at 6:46 am

    RE: 300: Femininewoman

    You are absolutely right.

  307.  #308Femininewoman on September 14, 2011 at 6:48 am

    I know I have read that sarcasm is a form of anger and fear.

  308.  #309Reba on September 14, 2011 at 6:49 am

    Thankyou soo much Femine woman for your comments.
    I never thought about how I came off to him so much as what I wanted and my anger.
    When I broke up with him the 3rd time I said most of what you mentioned my hearts desire, what I need to be happy, that I wanted him to be happy as well. I also told him that I didn’t want to casually date anymore as well. I thought I really read RR’s info. before breaking up with him.
    But when he called me Friday just to say I’m in town lets hang out I was sooo not expecting that one. I felt like what we discussed 3 months earlier was ignored. He was honest saying I just want to see you maybe I can figure things out if I can just see you. I won’t lie to you inside I lost it. I couldn’t believe he called about that!! He still spoke of being confused. It’s been 3 months already. I couldn’t believe it.

    You are right it came off like like was speaking to a child. Your right, I wasn’t being truthful to him, the comment “it is what it is” was a defense mechanism. When I really wanted to scream at him for that call. I now realize that I should’ve told him how I felt. I felt The one time I decided to answer his call this is what he says.
    As far as my look I’m in the gym 5 days a week, petite, shapely but in a figure competitor way. I eat healthy but I don’t flaunt my figure. I wear stillettos when I go out nothing tooo tight but just classy. He always says that I man would be crazy to walk away from me and that I make him happy. He also says that he loves my fashion sense and I have an amazing body. Whenever we’re out men always tell him how pretty I am. He’s very conservative.

    I never told him what the breakup has done to me and how I feel about it. But the conversation was 7-8 mins. He had to end it abruptly due to a client arriving I guess that’s why he called that evening to continue the conversation and to see if I wanted to meet. I only looked at him wanting to meet as a way just to hang out again when he told me earlier he was still confused. I also didn’t want to hang out with him because I didn’t want to get my hopes up with him anymore. He has this charisma that sucks me in. I just want him to see that I’m serious. Now I’m thinking I might email him and tell him how I really feel. Your thoughts?????

  309.  #310Femininewoman on September 14, 2011 at 6:52 am

    RE 303 Mel I am not suggesting that you should be turned of or that I was turned off by the comment. For me it is most important to be aware. It seems to me the comment is saying that he likes to be masculine and paying would take that role away from him so he goes all girl. The off shoot would be if you would be okay with him being the girl?

    This to me is a clear indication for now of what he needs to feel masculine.

  310.  #311Mel on September 14, 2011 at 6:57 am


    I disagree. I think sarcasm is either something you appreciate or something you don’t. It’s a preference. Not everyone finds the same things funny. What doesn’t work is when one person is sarcastic and the other is not. There’s also a difference between being sarcastic or ironic (in a humourous way) and being sardonic or cynical. That can definitely be draining and negative. I actually find sarcasm to be extremely flirty and playful. It’s soooo much fun to sarcastically banter back and forth with someone who appreciates it!

  311.  #312Femininewoman on September 14, 2011 at 6:58 am

    Reba Rori suggests changing hair color, hairstyle, mixing up your colors. My understanding is that he has to experience you as new. I guess with your history you could also ask him what is the plan or if anything has changed. He is entitled to call you whenever he feels like with whatever agenda he wants. The difference is if you accept him. It also seems that you were the one who choose to broke up, not him so it is understandable that he would want you back.

  312.  #313Reba on September 14, 2011 at 6:59 am

    I’m so glad I posted. You all have great information. It’s 9am here so I’m off to work. Now I’m gonna be thinking about these comments and what I ‘ve been doing wrong all day. It’s definitely a good thing.
    Any of your suggestions are greatly appreciated. It feels good to talk to women who know what I’m going through. I will post tonight when I get in.

    Thank you sooo much ladies.

  313.  #314Femininewoman on September 14, 2011 at 7:01 am

    Mel being someone who knows how to use sarcasm very well I have chosen to keep it out my most of my relationships. My experience has been that it can become caustic very quickly.

  314.  #315Mel on September 14, 2011 at 7:08 am

    I suppose as long as it feels fun and playful, I will continue to appreciate it. If it ever feels negative or caustic, I will express with a FM. “That felt bad…”

  315.  #316Femininewoman on September 14, 2011 at 7:18 am

    Mel I understand cultural differences and influences on our choices in life. I keep in my awareness that we tend to get back from the world what we put out there and what we focus on tend to grow. I walked around totally unaware for too many years.

  316.  #317Femininewoman on September 14, 2011 at 7:24 am

    Mel this is from the Toxic Man Program ad:-

    “• If you want effective Tools to help you spot a Toxic Man EARLY ON so you don’t make the mistake of getting too emotionally invested with someone who will never be right for you, no matter how good he “seems” at the start, then you need my Toxic Men program.

    • If you need to know exactly what to DO and SAY to stop the fighting, bickering, and SARCASM and get your DIGNITY back… without escalating the situation or making it worse, you’ll definitely want to hear me teach you the RIGHT way to calm any toxic conversation.”

  317.  #318Emerson on September 14, 2011 at 7:36 am

    260 FW I welcome your comments on the discussion between EW and I about Carol’s experience….

    275 Daria thank you for letting me know about the word “hurt”
    And thank you for your comments in clarifying Carol’s reaction to her husband
    Your wording sounds more palatable to me:
    “I’m sorry we’re having a rough time… I miss you and it would feel great to connect again when you’re ready…”
    I would feel more comfortable saying this, and leaving off the “if you need anything let me know” part. That part really triggers me for some reason because it seems NEEDY and like there is a motive behind it….You NEED me and I will do something for you so you will like me…that’s just my impression/opinion.

  318.  #319roxy on September 14, 2011 at 7:40 am

    I understand your situation. I am going through the same thing but I dont not let those strong feelings take control of who I am and what I want to do. One way that has helped me stop missing him so much is by finding things and activities that I love to do. Loving yourself and enjoying every moment in life. Go out hang out with friends date talk to others. It will help you. Yes i am not going to lie I do on occasion begin to think about my ex but when those thoughts come to mind I STOP and think of other things. You can control how you think and feel. Hope this helps.

  319.  #320Femininewoman on September 14, 2011 at 7:43 am

    Mel you might appreciate this story
    I grew up with an intense hatred of bees. Whenever they stung me, I would get a large welt. As soon as a bee came near, I’d panic…

    I’d try and swat it away…

    I’d run…

    I’d jump in a pool…

    Whatever it took to avoid being stung, I’d do it.

    I even remember one day I was eating lunch and minding my own business. Out of the blue, a bee randomly stung me on the back of my neck. That’s when I knew that “bees are evil.” My already existing fear had intensified into anger and hatred. I would have been more than happy never coming across another bee again.

    Then my heart opened a little bit. And a little bit more. After a few years of opening my heart, strange things started to happen.

    As I’ve mentioned before, when a spider is trapped inside I’d trap it, take it outside, and release it. I couldn’t kill spiders anymore. I didn’t want to kill bees either, but I was scared of them. I was allergic to them, and their stings would hurt.

    Then one day I was faced with a difficult decision.

    I was about to swim in a salt water pool (I love those!) and there was a bee struggling on the surface. At first I felt some fear, then I had an idea. I went and got a flip-flop (sandal), put it under the water, and lifted the bee out of the water. I placed the flip-flop on the concrete and went away. The bee dried itself off and flew away.

    One of the reasons I remember that experience is because it indicated to me how much my heart had opened.

    That was only the beginning though…

    A week later, ANOTHER bee was in the pool while I was swimming. After the previous experience, I didn’t feel as scared. In fact, I wasn’t scared at all. I wanted to help it.

    Only one problem: I was already in the water. By the time I went to get a sandal, came back, and lifted the bee, it would probably be too late. Then a bit of courage kicked in with a new idea.

    What if — instead of using a sandal — I used my hand?

    Part of me was scared now. I remembered all my previous bee stings, including the one I “didn’t even deserve.” I wondered if the new bee would sting me again.

    It didn’t matter. I had to try and save its life.

    I put my hand under the water and slowly lifted it up from under the bee. The bee seemed calm, and I moved my hand slowly over to the concrete where I set my hand down.

    The bee was on its last moments before dying, but it seemed determined to live. Slowly it shook its wings. Then it started to walk around a little bit. It shook its wings some more. Then after about 10 minutes, it flew away.

    We’ve all been “stung” before in our lives.. and in our hearts.

    Sometimes we hold back in relationships to avoid being stung.

    (I know I do.)

    Sometimes we sting others first to try and avoid being stung.

    (I know I have.)

    In a way, we’re all like those little bees.

    The bees didn’t really want to sting me. They were just afraid of me… probably even more than I was afraid of them.

    Next time somebody hurts you, or you hurtsomebody, consider that underneath that experience is a fearful person. Somebody just like you who is trying to avoid being “stung” worse than they were before.

    And consider the possibility that compassion and an act of love sometimes has the power to transform a fearful situation into a heartful one.

    Your Partner In Transformation,
    Chris Cade
    Liberate Your Life

  320.  #321roxy on September 14, 2011 at 7:43 am

    Thanks so we as women need to stop the control to get to him . Is this correct? We need to lean back and let them come to us .

  321.  #322Femininewoman on September 14, 2011 at 7:44 am

    Did You Know:
    When someone looks at a new love, the neural circuits that are usually associated with social judgment are suppressed.

    Source: by Helen Fisher

  322.  #323Emoticon on September 14, 2011 at 7:48 am

    FW awesome post Thank you for sharing!

  323.  #324Femininewoman on September 14, 2011 at 7:48 am

    Roxy we need to love ourselves and pay attention to our feelings so that when they come, which is their business, we can share ourselves with them in a way that embodies authenticity and feminine grace.

  324.  #325Mel on September 14, 2011 at 7:51 am

    I think, in this sense, Rori is not referring to sarcasm as a humorous device. There’s such a big difference!

    In his “pick me up… guns & ammo” comment, the entire thing was pure irony. Firstly, there’s no way this guy would ever even read such a magazine. We’re both quite “socialist” in our political leanings so “gun control” would be a more likely held belief. Secondly, he’s not serious about any of it, will be driving ME to the restaurant, and is really quite a romantic guy at heart. It was all in good fun.

  325.  #326Mel on September 14, 2011 at 7:54 am

    FW… LOVED the bee story! 🙂

  326.  #327Daria on September 14, 2011 at 7:54 am

    on something Mel wrote how to feel comfortable receiving… it does feel uncomfortable when we are reaching the limit of what we are used to think we are worthy of..

    i practice just feeling what i feel… then what i feel worthy of expands (maybe not right then, maybe later or with the next man) and i feel comfortable receiving more

    so what i do is just tolerate that, and maybe even express feeling unworthy and uncomfortable yet so appreciative and that this is what i want to practice with myself

  327.  #328AmazingMe on September 14, 2011 at 7:56 am

    @320 FW Another great story thank you so much for sharing!!

  328.  #329Daria on September 14, 2011 at 8:00 am

    I wouldn’t want to pay in a committed relationship… well for me i wouldn’t be in a committed relationship where we didn’t live together and were married


    my guess is that most people’s happy ever after is not a committed relationship where they don’t live with their partner

    in that case being exclusive is basically just the gf trap while dating

    there may be some people who don’t want to live together with their partner, EVER and that’s their forever after, but i … would guess there’s fear of intimacy going on that’s blocking them from considering a life living together with a romantic partner

  329.  #330Daria on September 14, 2011 at 8:01 am

    thank you Daria for making me yummy food

    thank you for exercising

    thank you for paying attention to my body and what i want and adjusting my exercise

    thank you for taking it easy today

    thank you for taking my vinegar and syrup

  330.  #331Emerson on September 14, 2011 at 8:03 am

    FW what a great bee story! We had a pool growing up and bees used to get stuck “swimming” in the pool all the time! I used to rescue them with a leaf and let them dry off on the deck! And never once did any of those bees sting me. 🙂 I do the same with spiders. 🙂 I send them outdoors, because they don’t pay rent in my house! Tee hee! Your story brought back some nice memories!

  331.  #332Emerson on September 14, 2011 at 8:11 am

    In other news…DallasCD seems to have poofed. 🙁

  332.  #333Daria on September 14, 2011 at 8:12 am

    EW – how to stop yourself saying something…

    Rori says to just STOP, literally put your hand over your mouth if you have to…

    for me much of my early CDing was spent practicing silence

    i was basically silent for the majority of the time, and it felt VERY uncomfortable

    i thought the men would think i am a total weirdo. It felt awkward too, and unnatural, like i was doing a script … and feeling messages felt that way too

    i even had some people say i sounded like a robot, etc

    well it did pay off

    the silence thing, well i learned to shift my mind and assume that when that uncomfortable weird feeling where i just ‘knew’ that he’s waiting for me to speak… to think that that tension is actually the tension that is attracting him to me

    it helped that the men Were interested in me even with my ‘strange’ silences

    I also have been practicing STOP with my mom, as it was so easy to snap a defense feeling triggered. it flt so good to start shifting… a babystep is what it took to get it started

    if you are seeing blurt as your standard behavior now , I would now start practicing with the POF men with more self focused feelings and compassionate stuff

    AND FIRST LEAN BACK AND OPEN MY SHOULDERS HEART AND PELVIS before each response… really feel around my heart chest area and respond from heart or vagina…

    I feel sad

    I feel afraid

    I feel lonely

    I feel bored

    I feel disconnected

    I feel dissapointed

    and shift away from using

    “i ”feel” that you’re a loser” type of statements

    when triggered.

    brava to you for experimenting with Anything different

  333.  #334Emoticon on September 14, 2011 at 8:15 am

    A few of my CDs have poofed. To be honest I’m glad one of them did poof because he is always on twitter complaining about ppl not calling or texting him and so on. Not to be judgemental but that just comes of as not only feminine energy-like but totally NEEDY! He is def a female. No offense 2 him.

  334.  #335Daria on September 14, 2011 at 8:21 am

    i feel lonely

    i love my lonelyness

    i feel tired

    i love my tiredness

    i feel smily

    i love my smilyness

    i feel small yawn

    i love my yawning

  335.  #336Emerson on September 14, 2011 at 8:26 am

    334 Emoticon,
    Yes I trust that men poof because they are not meant to be…so I have to just go with that.
    It would feel good to have a few more atm. 🙂

  336.  #337Debbie Mckinnon on September 14, 2011 at 9:14 am

    I have tried MANY times to get a simple answer as to how to view my E-book….I have already purchased it….but am unable to seeit onmy computer….VERY frustrating. Please either let me know…or cancel and refund my $…as it does me no good right now….thanks! Debbie My old E-mail was

  337.  #338Femininewoman on September 14, 2011 at 9:32 am

    Debbie I would write to or

  338.  #339Femininewoman on September 14, 2011 at 9:33 am

    Debbie I would write to

  339.  #340Femininewoman on September 14, 2011 at 9:34 am

  340.  #341Femininewoman on September 14, 2011 at 9:40 am

    If you feel like you’ve been beating your head against a wall trying to get your man to commit to you, I can help.
    Even if you’ve tried everything, and had results once but then everything went back to the way it was, where nothing’s happening for the future, it’s not too late.
    Men are easy.
    If they want you, they want you – and you don’t have to work hard at all to make that happen.
    But then, they’ll often do the absolute MINIMUM they have to do to keep you around.
    They’ll try to keep you at “girlfriend” level as long as they can without making a commitment.
    They’ll try to hang onto their “freedom” as long as they can without making a commitment.
    They’ll say they need “time.”
    They’ll say they’re not “ready.”
    If you lean back, step back, and stop Over functioning, they’ll cave in to themselves, “snap-to” and work hard to get back in your “good graces” until they can “slack off again” and STILL keep you around for awhile longer.
    Men are champs at drawing things out.
    I’ve seen men go for years – 2, 5 – even 8! without even TALKING about commitment.
    It’s always just “not a good time” in their lives.
    So what’s really happening here?
    Why is he being so “squirrely” and immoveable?
    Why’s he so “not ready” – especially if he’s in his 40’s?
    It’s all about CONNECTION.
    It works for a man EXACTLY the way it does for us – on a FEELING level.
    But there’s a huge difference in how a man’s Romantic Response gets triggered and the way OUR’S gets triggered.
    We are all attracted – both men and women – in mysterious ways.
    There’s a hidden combination of qualities a man has or a woman has that inspires intense attraction.
    For us, it could be the first time we lay eyes on a man, and he LOOKS like someone we once loved, or he’s wearing something that triggers a memory, or he smells a bit like our father. (I know – yccch – but it’s true.)
    (Yes, even if we had a horrible or barely tolerable relationship with our fathers, we women are all attracted to men who are like our fathers in some essential way, and men have the same experience with feeling attracted to women who are somehow like their mothers – even though they may have no idea what those qualities are that are attracting them, and even though they may say they have a terrible relationship with their mother.)
    It’s all about mysterious things that are beneath the surface – having to do with “energy” and “pheromones” and many things that make up who we are.
    Men are attracted to us right off the bat – and that attraction usually sticks – but at just the “attraction” level.
    The way a relationship moves all the way to Commitment is when we’re able to keep that “attraction” going strong, and then lift it up all the way to the level of CONNECTION.
    For us women, attraction can happen in some other ways that make us different from men.
    It could happen after knowing a man for awhile and discovering qualities about him that attract us deeply.
    It could be – and this is the BEST case scenario – that after getting to know him, we begin to trust him, we begin to let him see ALL of us, even the parts of us we’re not so crazy about.
    We let down our guard and show him who we really are and how we really feel.
    And then every moment we do this, every moment we allow ourselves to be more vulnerable and open with him, if he continues to love us, treat us well, listen to us, support us and initiate more and more contact and more and more commitment – then we become ever more intensely attracted to him.
    It’s as though our attraction to him is based more on our attraction to and love for OURSELVES more than anything in particular about HIM.
    This puts the lie to the whole thing about “having things in common,” and other kinds of personality matching.
    In my Rori Raye philosophy – the thing you and a man should BOTH have most in common is a deep, abiding, total love for YOU!
    So, this is the clear first step to getting him to commit – to love yourself MORE than you love him.

  341.  #342faith on September 14, 2011 at 9:43 am

    I just want to say THANK YOU to everyone that gave me some feedback!! it does help me think of what i am going through in different ways. 🙂

  342.  #343Femininewoman on September 14, 2011 at 9:44 am

    Even if you’re finding yourself stuck in your relationship – you can give it a small nudge and shift the whole thing just by doing what Gina did – open up your heart and your real feelings so your man can CONNECT with you.
    Let him feel your WARMTH instead of the cold anger and resentment we ALL feel when we’re kept on hold and at arm’s length from a man we truly care for.
    Let him feel your willingness to SHARE your feelings WITH him – so he can feel more trust in you and open up HIS feelings more.
    If you’ve tried, you know that ASKING a man to open up never works.
    The only thing that works is leading by example – you have to open up first.
    All of my programs will help you with this step-by-step – so that you always feel powerful and strong enough INSIDE to be vulnerable on the OUTSIDE, in a baby-step way so that you don’t shock yourself.
    1. Start now – this minute by asking yourself what you feel.
    2. And then say it out loud to the room. Say – “I feel shaky,” or “I feel sad,” or I feel happy just looking at that flower over there.”
    3. Practice, as Gina did, doing Feeling Messages with everyone, everywhere you go, and it will become natural to you in days.
    And then be sure to let me know how it works with your man.
    I know you’ll experience something magical happen, and you’ll feel him come a little closer.
    Keep leaning back, opening your heart, and loving yourself, and know I’m right here for you.
    Love, Rori

  343.  #344turquoise on September 14, 2011 at 9:48 am

    Hi everyone!!!! It’s been awhile…. getting settled at the new house, old house is totally cleared out, and we are adjusting to life in a new place very well. Girls are happy, riding bikes, making friends, and I’ve done a lot of decluttering, both physically and mentally… (and even on my body! I’ve lost 12 pounds 🙂 ) and this post feels perfect for me today. My ex is on his way back from deployment, and I’ve thought a lot lately about what I’ll “do”, say, lean forward, cook, etc. to express my thanks and appreciation for all he’s done for us with the house. I was starting to feel panicked, unsure, not wanting to overstep or say the wrong thing…. so this is a wonderful reminder to me that I shouldn’t over function, overdo, just BE. I’ve read through old journals, from when I was dating my ex…. mistakes I made are so obvious, I was young, insecure…. but I see how that way I was then, led to the relationship we had, our poor marriage, and ultimately the divorce. Now, we are trying to be friends, to co-parent the best we can, and even though I have no expectation of us getting back together, I still FEEL so much for him, for our past, what I thought it SHOULD have been…. I need to break all that and BE good to ME!~

    Hope you are all well!!! I’ve missed you!

  344.  #345Femininewoman on September 14, 2011 at 9:49 am

    From an email

    Here’s a quick tip to get you started to a
    sexier voice:

    Learn To Breathe Into Your Belly Instead Of Into
    Your Chest:

    This seems completely wrong, because we’re all
    used to expanding our chests and holding in our
    bellies to look slimmer.

    But all that does is make your body more rigid,
    and restrict your breathing in a way that makes
    your voice sound “pinched” and overworks and
    tightens up your throat muscles.

    Tight muscles anywhere are not attractive on
    you – instead of radiating sensuality and sexiness
    – you end up projecting tension and up-tightness.

    Not what you want.

    And here’s another reason to use your abdomen
    instead of your chest to breathe:

    You’ll take the pressure off your heart and get
    more oxygen into your body – which will clear your
    mind and make you feel more relaxed!

    WAY more appealing.


    1. Pick a comfortable spot to lie on – bed or

    2. Put a book on your stomach.

    3. Now, relax and inhale deeply into your
    abdomen so that the book rises.

    4. When you exhale, the book should fall.

    Do this only a few times a day, and very

    Try it as you wake up in the morning or before
    you go to sleep – you’re already lying down!

    The goal here is to make this kind of breathing
    feel natural to you.

    Remember – though breathing is automatic and
    done by your body normally below your level of
    conscious awareness – paying attention to how you
    breathe, and making it conscious can shift so much
    for you.

    One of the biggest things that can happen for
    you is to experiment with relaxing your belly at
    ALL times

    We’re all so focused on our looks, our clothes,
    our weight – we can completely miss other things
    that can make even a BIGGER impact on a man and
    truly change your love life.

    Sexy Voice Secrets gives you a completely
    different skill, and works in a completely
    different place in your arsenal as a woman – it
    involves a mans senses OTHER than visual.

    How he hears you, the “vibe” he picks up from
    you…these things are so much less obvious – and
    SO much easier to change!

  345.  #346Mel on September 14, 2011 at 9:52 am


    So happy to see you back! 🙂

  346.  #347Femininewoman on September 14, 2011 at 9:53 am

    Hey turquoise. Glad to know all is well

  347.  #348LILI 41 on September 14, 2011 at 10:18 am

    Re #309 Hi Reba,

    I am in the same situation. I broke up with him but he keeps coming back. If I shut the door to him, I would feel like a spoiled child not getting what she wants. I feel good staying open to him while focusing on myself and what makes me happy: I told him that I like seeing him but feel like considering my other options and opening myself up to other men to find the one that can offer me what I want.
    I enrolled in zumba class, went on a breakfast date…it drives him crazy that I’m not there to pick up the phone everytime he calls. Well, he has to understand that he can no longer have me all to himself while he goes around in circles trying to decide. My life will go on with or without him, and that feels great!
    I said clearly what I wanted and how I felt, and until he can offer me what I want, I will keep considering other men. It just isn’t fair to me to keep myself for this one man who can’t give me what I want after 2 years. If I happen to be available to pick-up the phone, accept his invitation, that it feels fine to me to talk to him. But at least he knows that I am also available to anyone else and he has to “book” my time for me to be available. Mentally knowing that I am keeping my options open, I naturally don’t feel like my hopes are going back up for him. My hopes are up for what I want, no longer who I want and that makes me feel free from the trap.
    I hope this can help you Reba. You don’t need to cross him out completely, but just go window shopping for other men. What you want is more precious than he is.

  348.  #349LILI 41 on September 14, 2011 at 10:23 am

    Reba, if he wants you all to himself, he will know that he has to make the comittment or else accept sharing you with other potentials. No sx involved with the others, just getting to know them and considering them.

  349.  #350turquoise on September 14, 2011 at 10:36 am

    Thanks Mel and FW! What’s new with you?

  350.  #351Femininewoman on September 14, 2011 at 10:37 am

    New Cds, new skills with zumba and steel drum class. Feeling flowy with life in general

  351.  #352Daria on September 14, 2011 at 12:19 pm

    phone sex with a cd i like! *pushes like button

  352.  #353Senior Lady Vibe on September 14, 2011 at 12:28 pm

    @294: Susan says:
    “…RE: 282 SLV
    You said: “How do you STOP yourself saying the wrong thing?”

    No, I didn’t say or write that. I make a big attempt to share positive messages here and my own well considered suggestions when asked.

    “.. See I am one of those people who thinks very fast and sometimes it’s out of my mouth before I have given it a thought………”

    Nope, didn’t say that either.

    “…maybe I need to slow down and think (or feel) first!!”..”

    Nor this.

    It’s you that “need to slow down and think (or feel) first!!”…”

    I’ll continue on reading the rest of the posts… feeling a little bad at the attack but it will not stop me.


  353.  #354Senior Lady Vibe on September 14, 2011 at 12:36 pm

    another day in the life..

    Oh,,,, *I’M* in moderation because of my self-defense to Susan’s battle with me.

    352: Senior Lady Vibe says:
    Your comment is awaiting moderation.
    @294: Susan says:
    “…RE: 282 SLV
    You said: “How do you STOP yourself saying the wrong thing?”

    No, I didn’t say or write that. I make a big attempt to share positive messages here and my own well considered suggestions when asked.

    “.. See I am one of those people who thinks very fast and sometimes it’s out of my mouth before I have given it a thought………”

    Nope, didn’t say that either.

    “…maybe I need to slow down and think (or feel) first!!”..”

    Nor this.

    It’s you that “need to slow down and think (or feel) first!!”…”

    I’ll continue on reading the rest of the posts… feeling a little bad at the (a-tacKKK) but it will not stop me. Something triggered Susan to go after me. Maybe it was the song?

    I will also continue posting and sharing…. !!! even before i come out of moderation!

    I feel a little sick to my stomach but I carry on.

    Happy days to all.. I have other songs too!!! With positive “keep strong” messages.

    Another “Ha!”

  354.  #355Shar lean way back on September 14, 2011 at 12:42 pm

    SLV I think Susan was referring to a post EW made and just accidentialy made it to you.

  355.  #356Senior Lady Vibe on September 14, 2011 at 12:50 pm

    I interrupt my reading of blog posts to bring this postive message…

    “…G0d has put his hands on me, and ain’t a man [or woman] alive can ever take it from me…”

    Mary J. Blige “Work That”


  356.  #357Senior Lady Vibe on September 14, 2011 at 12:57 pm

    @354: Shar lean way back says:
    “…SLV I think Susan was referring to a post EW made and just accidentialy made it to you…”

    Weird. It’s not the first time I’ve received one of these on the blog but it beats having a gun to my head. I’ve had that too, thankfully not on blog; there’s a limit to what can happen on the Internet… 😆 I expect there will be an apology to

    In keeping with other similar posts to me, I expect OP will apologize to EW…. hahahaha 😆

    Sing it, Mary.

    We will resume our regular programming…

  357.  #358Senior Lady Vibe on September 14, 2011 at 1:00 pm

    @226:DE @271:Emerson
    You’re welcome. I love it too. 😀

    @251: English Woman

    Did long distance guy give any hint if he had plans for meeting? How far away is he? He might enjoy getting away for an afternoon in a peaceful little village…

    @281: English Woman says:
    “…And after SLV’s comments to me on the meeting for a coffee and the travelling to the CD, I can see I need an overhaul…”

    Awww, you don’t need an overhaul. Let’s wait a bit and see what guy offers. Doesn’t Rori say be prepared to be surprised? He might surprise you… with a plan!


  358.  #359Susan on September 14, 2011 at 1:05 pm

    352: Senior Lady Vibe

    It looks like I referred to the wrong person’s post in my answer. My mistake.

    Battle? What battle? *Feeling confused*

    I don’t battle with anyone.

  359.  #360Emoticon on September 14, 2011 at 1:11 pm

    Sooooo…. I’m like REALLY tired and my back kinda hurts! But the good news is…I got the bathroom spotless 🙂 . Now its time to tackle this room of mine!

  360.  #361alias girl on September 14, 2011 at 1:31 pm

    i feel hopeless and anger and despair. and


    that was that moment.

    that moment can pass,

    i can keep letting this awful-feeling moments pass. each new outside circumstance that keeps popping up

    who cares?

    i am in charge of how i feel

    and maybe i can;t go from zero to sixty (despair to bliss) in five seconds flat

    but i can

    babystep my way

    using the emotional guidance scale

    i can seek relief

    relief is all i am after in this moment of depair

    for example,

    coming on this blog

    feels like relief

    and doing yoga earlier felt like relief

    and i can just accept these things i can not change that people do or whatever

    and keep focussing on what feels good to me

    what i know is my life

    in store for me

    who cares all these weirdo guys losing their chance with me

    i should CELEBRATE that i don’t end up with such guys

    and i only need one or two or three suitable lovely ones

    not too big of a task

    one or two or three

    no biggie

    right NOW

    if i look at right NOW

    i am blogging on a blog and did yoga and am making lunch and


    95% of my life rocks.

    ok may 89%


    very very very good.

    focus on what’s good.

    whether it’s past present or future doesn’t matter

    focus on what’s good

    seek relief
    until i

    get happy

    and then


    thank you.

  361.  #362alias girl on September 14, 2011 at 1:34 pm

    never again

    i am in charge now

    i am in charge

    i am powered up

    and i choose happiness.

  362.  #363AmazingMe on September 14, 2011 at 1:40 pm

    You know I was thinking we all are different in our own ways! You notice people write about relationships and stuff when they have found the right person because obviously something works. Some of us here are still learning,still fishin, I dumped all my fish out of my bucket and putting nice clean fresh water in it first before I decide to even get my feet wet 🙂 Siren Island is a great place to do just that!

  363.  #364Emoticon on September 14, 2011 at 1:41 pm

    I like how you put that AmazingMe

  364.  #365AmazingMe on September 14, 2011 at 1:44 pm

    I am happy and just feel very observant of ALL people in my life and strangers. I watch body language and really try to read people and really communicate who I am through just everyday events. I am working on the trust issue but this is my setback! I do not trust very many people and it is very hard for me to be vulnerable because I feel this takes some trust to be vulnerable. Baby Steps AmazingMe 🙂

  365.  #366AmazingMe on September 14, 2011 at 1:50 pm

    @362 Thanks! It is a feel good way of looking at it!

  366.  #367Senior Lady Vibe on September 14, 2011 at 1:55 pm

    @362: AmazingMe

    Well, OK unless you’re going for the rare salt-water ones as I am.


  367.  #368faith on September 14, 2011 at 1:57 pm


    i love how you are feeling.. its good to hear that you are so happy and feeling great.. I am SOOO wanting to be in your place. I also have trust issues.. and am devastated over my break up. I get great feedback from here.. but it still is something that is really hurting me:(

  368.  #369Tmizz on September 14, 2011 at 2:12 pm

    Hi Ladeeeez! I know my presence here is spotty.

    I try to check in when I can…

    Emerson, re #99, thanks for your thoughts! That’s an interesting take on it, too. For sure my parents were codependent. My dad actually fed into that, too. On a number of occasions, he used to say to me, “Love is codependency.” What?! I don’t think he really believed that. Maybe he was trying to convince himself. Or at least, I don’t believe him. But it’s hard, when that’s what your PARENTS are telling you. And, theoretically at least, *he’s* the one better at relationships.

    And then there was my mom. Definitely NOT switching hats. She was an annoying busybody, doing managing, etc. (still is). But then, with my dad, she was “managing” him just as much as she was managing everything and everyone else in her life. Yuck. That’s just kind of her MO, I guess.

    I remember how much I hated it, and sometimes probably don’t even realize how much I am doing some of the same crap.

    And in the past, I’ve called her up, too, and blabbed to her about stuff, and listened to what she had to say. But now I don’t, because I realize that, while occasionally she has sage words of wisdom, her act is one that I sincerely do not want to follow. And codependency is REALLY hard to get out of.

    So…kudos to you. I’m still working on it myself. Baby steps! 🙂

    And DE – HI!! 🙂

    (I just watched B-fast @ Tiffany’s last night. So awesome!!:)

  369.  #370Butterfly wings on September 14, 2011 at 3:37 pm

    Mel: I hear you re the sarcasm! I come from a family of experts and sometimes people have trouble working out if we’re serious! Lol

    FW: yeah I’m just letting TH be for now. If he wants to see me then he knows where to find me. It’s only been a day but it feels so much longer!!!

    I’ve made plans with my daughter to go tv shopping tonight after work. At least I won’t be home moping!

    I kind of have a feeling that he may come with us tonight though…. We’ll see…

  370.  #371Mel on September 14, 2011 at 4:02 pm

    Butterfly Wings

    Re: Sarcasm

    It’s funny… growing up I always felt like people (even my family) didn’t “get me.” One time, for school, I had to ask my parents the question “If you could give me ONE of your qualities, what would it be?” and my mom said she would give me her sense of humor. And I thought to myself “What?! Are you kidding me? I have an amazing sense of humor, you just don’t get me!”

    So whenever I find someone that also appreciates a sarcastic sense of humour, I feel so happy and alive. Because, for me, I don’t think sarcasm comes from an angry bitter place at all. For me it is witty and playful and fun. It’s almost like an art-form. With this one CD, in particular… I feel like “gets me.” And that feels sooooo good!

  371.  #372Butterfly wings on September 14, 2011 at 4:14 pm

    Mel, I also felt (and still sometimes) feel that people don’t get me. I’m lucky that my family is just like me and yeah it’s witty and playful and fun like how you experience it!

    And yeah it’s good to find someone who gets it and takes it for what it is meant to be – fun!

    TH is a very sarcastic man which is why I think we normally connect as well as we do. I can see how many people would be offended by some things he says but I know the intention behind it and it doesn’t bother me at all – and I give it right back! 😉

  372.  #373tinque on September 14, 2011 at 4:20 pm

    Emerson – #260 I’ve been away all day so am only just seeing this and don’t know if anyone else had responded.

    I love Carol’s attitude, for the thing is, when a man has a fit or sulks or withdraws or lashes out, it’s hardly ever about you. It’s HIM. Something happened; he doesn’t feel well; he’s worried about something, his job or money often.

    So if you can look at him and know that he’s acting out because of his own triggers which have nothing to do with you, then you feel compassion for his pain.

    You can say something like, “this doesn’t feel good.” and leave him be. Or you can say something like, “it seems as though something is bothering you. Is there anything you want to tell me? Share with me?”

    If this is a one time thing or a rare occurrence, then you can it go unless it’s totally heinous in which case you may want to rethink the relationship.

    If it’s a habitual thing, then maybe a heart-to-heart is in order.

    Does this help?


  373.  #374Mel on September 14, 2011 at 4:29 pm

    Butterfly Wings
    I really seem to connect with people that share my sense of humour. There’s nothing right or wrong about it, I just think it’s a matter of personal preference.

    I NEVER joke directly about a person unless I KNOW he/she will understand my intention. It feels horrible to feel misunderstood. 🙁

    I usually test the waters a little when I meet someone new with a few general sarcastic remarks, or by poking fun at myself. Depending on their reaction, I can usually tell pretty quickly if I can be myself around them or not.

    That’s the thing… I LOVE feeling like I can relax and be myself. I purposely put in my Match profile that I have a wacky/sarcastic sense of humour and find that quality attractive in others. I’m finding a lot of guys that write to me say that this is important to them as well.

    Of my 4 current CDs 3 of them seem to enjoy playing along. I think this is why I feel like I am having such a good time. I feel like I can be myself.

    The “pick me up… gun magazine” guy is immensely funny and I find this to be a huge turn-on. 😉

  374.  #375Mel on September 14, 2011 at 4:41 pm

    I’m noticing I’m spelling “humor/humour” in the Canadian AND the American way… often in the same paragraph. I should really be more consistent!

  375.  #376Mel on September 14, 2011 at 4:44 pm


    I’m doing quite well. Out on my own now. Loving mostly every minute. Sometimes there’s a tiny bit of sadness, but those moments are getting further and further apart.

    I am enjoying the opportunity to figure out who I am again. I feel more alive and like there’s a part of me that’s finally woken up after a really long sleep. It feels good.

    I hope to see you around here more once you’re settled. 🙂

  376.  #377AmazingMe on September 14, 2011 at 5:07 pm

    @366 Aww well hugs to you Faith sincerely I am no different than you! I am still really sad about my old “whatever u want to call it” guy. When I get upset I turn my feelings around and wonder ok what did I learn or can I learn from this. It is great on the blog, once you stick around long enough here you will really bring it into your life and see a difference. I am so greatful even when I am happy, sad, emotional, whatever the feeling, I come here to try and read and share. I learn a lot this is one of my new hobbies. Keep strong and lean back and take care of yourself in the meantime! …Sirens…You know I was at the store today and for some reason just had a moment. What a wonderful way to feel to walk around and not care who is watching you. What they say about you. It is like when you are living your life and present a great attitude it is hard for people to want to talk about you. Most comments are pleasant if any and you will always have haaaattttteerrrrss! Those the ones that are jealous! I think I like doing things this way, I worry about me and mine, you worry about you and yours and if we can embrace a common ground then so be it!! ..XOXOXO

  377.  #378Lilybelly on September 14, 2011 at 5:07 pm


    I giggled when I read it, Mel. You got it going on, sister.

  378.  #379Emerson on September 14, 2011 at 5:56 pm

    371 Tinque
    read #318 There was more discussion about phrasing into a feeling message that sounded less codependent-ey, at least to me.

    I still do not get why it is good that she says “is there anything I can do for you?” It makes me want to puke…like oh little boy is there anything mommy can get you since you are upset? I don’t mean any disrespect to this woman Carol at all.

    But I’ve been “mommy” role in a relationship or two and it just sounded like something I would have said.

    I understand they are married and the rules change a bit ??? , but I feel confused.

    Maybe I won’t know how to act once I’m married. My throat feels tight and I feel teary. I feel scared and uncertain that I will ruin it by not using the right approach.

  379.  #380Kayla on September 14, 2011 at 6:01 pm

    Heyy sirens (: this totally came at a perfect time, I mean I already knew this but it felt good and reassuring to read it again. . I thought I should update you though.. My boyfriend and I are doing good (: he came over the other night and we wrestled around.. Lol I love wrestling it makes me feel so feminine when I know that my man is stronger than me, and I’m pretty sure it makes him feel more masculine. Anyways, no call from him yesterday and I’m not sure why, but I’m not too worried about it.. But today he called me and asked me if I wanted to go do something. I told him yes after I finished doing something first. He told me to call him when I was done, I told him to call me… He said he would call in about an hour.. It sort of felt like he was upset about that. Even though I do this every time he asks me to call him. Well after about 15 minutes I got on facebook and he was online also.. He started talking to me and then after a few IMs he asked me this. “So baby, if I was to not call you for a whole entire week would you try to get ahold of me? Or would you just go without talking to me for a week or however long? I asked him why he was asking this questiong and he said he was just wondering. I told him that I don’t like to call first and that it makes me feel wanted when a man calls me first, he said that I am very much so wanted, and that he wants to feel wanted too. I told him that he is wanted and that he makes me feel very happy all the time. Then he told me to message him when I was done doing what I had to do, and I did. And then he said that he had to run out to his uncles really quick and then he would come over.. I told him okay and he asked what I wanted to do. I said that I didn’t care and then I got off because I was feeling a little overwhelmed by the conversation and it didn’t really feel good… I went and painted my nails (: I love myself. Any of you sirens have advice? I feel as if there is some tension inside of him somewhere. But I don’t know, maybe I am just being paranoid? What do you sirens think? Ahh it feels good to vent and get my thoughts and feelings out to people who I know I can trust.

  380.  #381Emerson on September 14, 2011 at 6:04 pm

    I was listening to the inner mean girl reform school for a while but I don’t really have the attention span right now

  381.  #382luzydel on September 14, 2011 at 6:05 pm

    I understand the meaning of using FMs now…
    Yesterday Mr. NiceCD did something tho triggered me and I felt disrespected, but I did not say anything because I did not want to ruin the time we were having together. Now I feel crappy, I want to hide and push him a way. I guess it is useless to say something now, so I may have to suck it up. UGH!

  382.  #383Iara on September 14, 2011 at 6:13 pm

    I’ve been dating a man exclusively for 3months now. He has been really sweet all this time. He calls me twice a day without me even asking him, I never call him, he introduced me to all his relatives and friends, he recently bought an apartment and always reffers to it as “our” apartment. Sex is not being so good, though. I told him I need to go slow, feel safe and all. But one night he put me on all fours and tried to enter my backdoor. I felt like an object that was there to please him. I didn’t feel that he wanted to please me. I felt really disconnected. We talked about it and he sent me an email saying that he loved me so much that we could overcome any problem we had. He even suggested that we didn’t have sex for awhile. I felt relieved not having to have sex for awhile so I decided to continue the relationship. This past sunday I asked him to transfer some data I had on some CDs to a pen drive and onto my netbook, that doesn’t have a CD drive. The data was on my previous notebook that got damaged. After that, I noticed that there were some pictures with my ex that he didn’t have to see. So I asked him to delete all the data from his computer and he said he did. I also said: there must be stuff there that you don’t want to see. He called me twice on monday as usual and on tuesday he didn’t call me at all. I didn’t call him either. I lit some candles, put Miles Davis on and took a warm bath. Today, wednesday, he called. He said he saw the pictures and that was feeling bad. I got so upset. There were also some files that are very personal there and I wonder if he saw them also. I told him I felt invaded, that I felt I couldn’t trust him and that I was feeling really angry. I said I was feeling bad and that I was going to hang up. Now I feel calmer, but I don’t know if I can trust this guy. I’m feeling so exposed and embarrassed at the things he must have seen. I am in a very critical part in my life, changing carreers, not working at the moment and focusing on studying to get a better financial life for myself. So I have others feelings to deal with like anxiety. I need to have my mind clear to focus on studying and I told him that before we started our relationship. He was so supportive back then. I had to be brave to start a relationship considering the situation I am in now. I really don’t know if I should continue being his girlfriend or if I should be single again at least until I get my carreer back, wich is my number one priority right now. I would really, really appreciate some insights. oh, and I’m 32 he is 31.

  383.  #384Butterfly wings on September 14, 2011 at 6:14 pm

    Kayla, other sirens may not agree with me, but if my guy asks me to call when I’m done doing something then I’ll call.

    I won’t initiate if he’s not asked me to call, but if he had called me and I was busy and he then suggested I call him when I am ready, then I see absolutely nothing wrong with that.

    And relationships are all about giving a tiny bit back too.

    TH has asked me to do something with him recently and I was catching up with a friend first. So he asked me to call him when I was done so we could meet up. I saw nothing wrong with his request and how could he have known when I was done anyway if he wasn’t with me? To expect him to call me when it’s him waiting for me to be ready just feels like I’d be expecting him to read my mind.

    Just my opinion and not sure you would all agree. But that’s definitely how I’d handle that situation in the future too.

  384.  #385DE on September 14, 2011 at 6:14 pm


    U situation brings a “bell” within me 🙂 I recently had a few situations like this…

    When u said u got off the phone because u felt overwhelmed…i immediately knew it is about you being triggered…and it’s not about u man’s “tension” inside him 🙂

    Every time we are triggered about something…is a signal it’s about us…

    Experiencing something similar with my CDs, I noticed feeling put off…and a bit guarded/uncomfortable/defensive every time they would bring out ab me “not calling” and “initiating”…

    And after…with those I felt interested in…i noticed “fear” within me…:( Fear they would disappear because of my boundary …

    Well, i hope this makes sense…

    Kudos to u for doing u nails and taking care of u 🙂

    Warm hugs,

  385.  #386alias girl on September 14, 2011 at 6:18 pm

    hrmph. i feel disappointed.

    in myself? others? both.

    i feel…

    cloudy and muddy

    i feel stifled and muted

    self silenced

    which then i feel RAGEFUL

    and trapped.

    i feel angry and turned off.

    i feel really turned off.

    so many people turn me off because i want them to be perfect. and my idea of perfecr changes moment to moment

    and i am quite sure i am not perfect to others.


    if someone tried to manipulate me. and i avoided it with clear conversation

    yet now i feel ick


    ew he tried to trick me



    and i didn’t communicate that i feel this way. i didn’t communicate my Feelings.

    because it would be kind of calling him out in a way and then he will get all defensive because he will be faced with his shame and wanting to deny

    and how will that help?

    oh i feel so at odds.

    and this is a business relationship which is what is making me feel muted. otherwise wtf do i care, i’ll just say my bit and let the pieces fall where they may

    but what do i say here?

    i feel weird. you offered me something (which i didn’t want but was really for YOUR OWN BENEFIT) and you called it a “gift” which it really is not.

    so i said thank you.

    but really was only politeness.

    and you also offered a monthly stipend to go along with said “gift”.

    and then you email saying they are “forcing” you to fil out this information( my ss# and dl #) for the “user” of this “gift”

    i emaile back that

    no, that is the billing information and i am not the one to be billed on this. or uh, be locked into a two year contract, thank you very much.


    i feel P*SSED.

    and then he writes later that he made a bad offer (Of the “gift”) because he is unable to get it because they need a ss# and he is not a US citizen.

    but um

    YOU have a cellphone for your own personal use so clealy you have managed that. and you run a business. and um


    and i am having trouble focussing in his positive aspects right now because i feel so turned off and

    do i say anything? which would just be calling him out.

    how about.

    i felt weird to be offered an iphone. but then once i got used to the idea i started to feel excited.

    i felt unsure if i needed it at this point but i felt good that i was told it was a “gift” for a job well done.

    but then i felt confused about it. and since it was offered with a monthly budget of less than $____ i felt more clear that is was a business purchase, for the business.

    which is why i felt better to keep my personal phone and have the business take care of all matters to do with this other phone.

    then i felt uncomfortable getting an email asking for information that would basically make me the person responsible for this monthly bill and two year contract.

    i felt really uneasy.

    i feel unsure what to make of it really.

    i mean, if you have a cell phone then surely you must know this.

    and also must be able to purchase one as now i am informed that we wil have to wait til you get your visa.

    i just feel confused.

    what do you think?


    and… by the way.. do i get a replacement “gift” for a job well done? oh, no. oh, i was just supposed to act all “yae” for something that you need to do for the business anyway.


    (that last part i wouldn’t say of course)


    if any sirens have managed to get through my drama i would appreciate feedback

    specifically on

    what to say

    i feel really bad not saying anything. i feel really disempowered and like i want to quit if i don’t say anything.

    i would feel better not to make it a b*tch fest about the poor bloke as the situation is kind of what it is and well i already feel ick and am trying to turn this around.

    ugh. i feel defeated and scared and sad and hopeless.

  386.  #387alias girl on September 14, 2011 at 6:19 pm

    if anyone would like to read my blah blah blah in #384 and offer positive helpful feedback i would feel appreciative.

  387.  #388tinque on September 14, 2011 at 6:25 pm

    I failed to mention Emerson that that sentence is not okay in my opinion. It’s ew feeling to me and counter-productive.

    Any of what I mentioned to say works well as well as and “I miss you” if the mood carries on for a long period of time.


  388.  #389tinque on September 14, 2011 at 6:27 pm

    Oh and another thing, I would NEVER say anything like this to K. It would go over like a sack of potatoes.

    Giving him space, even if he’s right there next to me and keeping quiet yet with an open heart and a smile withing pulls him out very quickly, minutes often.


  389.  #390Emerson on September 14, 2011 at 6:27 pm

    380 Luzydel
    I’ve brought things up at a later time using FM and it went over well….
    I felt similar to you, one day I was with recycled and I felt really disconnected and very ick ick with the topic he was yakking about and I kept quiet. Afterwards, i felt badly about not being true to myself and expressing my feelings.

    Next time we were together I said “I feel happy with you today and it feels good to see you…last time we spent time together I felt very disconnected.”

    He was so nice and asked why etc…and then after that for a couple of times when we’d go out he’d say “do you feel connected to me today?” and he was being sincere., it was cute.

  390.  #391alias girl on September 14, 2011 at 6:29 pm

    i just reread what i wrote. it hardly even makes sense


    i feel blech.

    and whatever.

    and i feel like crying and i feel devasted that my life is not and may never be what i want.

    i feel sad.

    i was so excited and today i barely even worked at all on this project and then went online to look for other opportunities.

    i had felt so excited.

    and wehn i was littel i used to get SO EXCITED for things. and they never were what i had imagined.

    my imagination is trumping my reality


    i feel crying

    i feel

  391.  #392Kayla on September 14, 2011 at 6:32 pm

    Thank you butterfly wings, I completely agree that there isn’t anything wrong with calling him back, except for the way it makes me feel.. It makes me feel as if I am following his commands you know what I mean? I have had problems with this before.

    At DE Yes this is EXACTLY how I am feeling right now, I feel as if he is going to disappear because he is tired of me being so “high standard” but at the same time, I love this about me, and I feel that he loves this about me too.. you know what I mean? But I know that no matter what happens… I will love myself and forgive myself. I do not feel the need to call him ever, and when he doesn’t call me, it doesn’t really bother me either.. I am not going to do something that I don’t feel the need to do just because a man wants me to.

    Not to mention, he dedicated a song to me (: it made me feel sooo special. As a matter of fact, that’s the name of the song. Lol

  392.  #393DE on September 14, 2011 at 6:32 pm

    Dont’ do it Alias Girl!!!

    Honor u feelings…they are there to help u and protect u…

    I would answer:

    “I feel uncomfortable and actually upset to be placed in this situation – responsibility of the bill and a two year contract…:( I need to feel safe in my working environment. What do u think?”

    Warm hugs,

  393.  #394alias girl on September 14, 2011 at 6:33 pm

    i feel hopeless and trapped and like giving up and

    i am just attracting more and more thoughts on thi wavelength

    and never mind. i don’t need siren advice. i fear it would be like sending out an invitation where no one comes.

    so now i feel regretful.


    screew off everyone

  394.  #395alias girl on September 14, 2011 at 6:37 pm

    DE thank you. i feel so confused and so highly triggered.

    thank you for responding. i really feel appreciative (and undeserving)

    i feel like i need to “eat his shame” which i always bost on here that i no longer do but apparently i do if a paycheck is involved.

    THIS IS A DEEP ISSUE for me being triggered.

    i feel so turned off.

    ok using the template of what you said i could say

    “I feel uncomfortable when i received that email earlier asking me to take responsibility of the bill and a two year contract. What do u think?”

    but i also feel really gross that this was offered as a “gift” when clearly it is not and was never meant to be. some gift!

  395.  #396AmazingMe on September 14, 2011 at 6:41 pm

    I love the word triggers…I never knew or even thought about these ick feelings. Now I am finding myself work through them. It’s like ok why do “I” feel this way. I cannot control anyone but myself and this is way easier than my old ways. Love it!

  396.  #397alias girl on September 14, 2011 at 6:41 pm

    “I feel uncomfortable when i received that email earlier asking me to take responsibility of the bill and a two year contract. i feel so confused by the whole interaction actually. What do u think?”

    but then he’s going to ask me why. and i am going to be like, dude, you have a cell phone. and then he will somehow manage to get me one and not only it is not longer a “gift” he is giving me but something i basically cornered him into getting for me. when the honest truth is i feel freaking glad not to be gifted with this dang iphone that

    1) i don’t know how to use
    2) can’t afford the extra usage fees on the monthly bill
    3) he especially wants so he can be in contact with me EVERY FIVE MINUTES

    this just isn’t the opportunity i had been excited about and i feel very resistant and pushing against it now. (too things not good for my vibration)

  397.  #398LILI 41 on September 14, 2011 at 6:46 pm

    I feel crummy right now. I am home sick with a cold, had to miss my zumba class. He didn’t even bother to call me at all today to see if I was doing better, not even a little 5 minutes to say Hi.
    I feel like calling to see what he’s doing. It’s really hard to resist. Lean back, lean back, lean back.

  398.  #399alias girl on September 14, 2011 at 6:47 pm

    two = 2
    too = also

    two things…


    funny too because this is actually a Writing gig that i’m referring to in this dilemma. lol.


    i am feeling better.

    maybe if i just figure out what i want (intentions)

    and what i want to express

    and the best possible outcome.

    and then scr*ew everything else because it is out of my control.

  399.  #400DE on September 14, 2011 at 6:48 pm


    Okay, love this fear :)…Welcome it…it is opportunity to heal the past…because that’s where our fears are coming from…past experiences…

    Like Butterfly Wings, I also call/txt if a man asks me to…

    I don’t however, if they don’t leave a message. I made a decision to stop dealing with “little boys”…:(

    FW had some awesome posts on that subject…

    I feel as if I am a part of a new movement…a very courageous one I might say…of undoing a lot of wrong to myself and men I interacted with…

    In this process…i kinda of see myself as a pioneer…to inspire men to embrace their masculinity ….just as I embrace my femininity…

    And yes, I might make mistakes in the process…lean fwd…and call/initiate…the good part about those moments…is that it brought out a better understanding about the man in front of me…each time I facilitated for him to bring out his anger and frustration…

    Now, I know…to wait till he is ready…I did do just that with my last more “serious” CD T (like 3 times) and it did not improve our communication…now, apparently, he is waiting “again” on me to lean fwd…and he is “in” for a “surprise”…cause I am slowly but steadily forgetting he exists…:(
    Sad, but true…

    Well, the bottom line, I encourage anyone to do what feels right (peaceful) to them…and if sometimes, that is “leaning fwd”…well, then…do it…

    The key is to learn who we are in the process…as long as we do that…we are winners in the end…

    I am all for sometimes “loosing” some “battles”…just so I can win the “war”…

    Warm hugs,

  400.  #401Femininewoman on September 14, 2011 at 6:50 pm

    Hi Iara, I feel a bit confused about your story. You asked him to transfer some data for you. So while transfering it he looked at some personal stuff so now you are angry. I am wondering if you asked him not to look. Also with intimacy people get to peer deep on the inside of each other. It feels odd to me that you would be open to sharing your body in such an intimate way and then close to the door to your past to him. He saw and had some feelings about it. I would assume that discussing what he saw and how he feels about it, even if it is anger, might be the best thing to do. Why ask him to do the transfer if he could possibly see things you were not ready to share as yet?

  401.  #402alias girl on September 14, 2011 at 6:51 pm

    what i want (intentions) – i want a fabulous life and to be wealthy and healthy and in love and have adventure and cute clothes and a nice home and travel and also continuous areas of focus that help me feel ALIVE AND VIBRANT AND EXCITED

    and what i want to express – i don’t know other than ew and scr*ew you

    and the best possible outcome – that this opportunity either turns into a great opportunity that works out BETTER THAN MY IMAGINATION and leads to opportunity for other opportunity etc. or

    at the very least that this opportunity lasts in AN ENJOYABLE AN THRIVING way until something better comes along

  402.  #403Femininewoman on September 14, 2011 at 6:53 pm

    LILI we are here. You can call us instead. Just write out how you are feeling.

  403.  #404alias girl on September 14, 2011 at 6:54 pm

    what i want to express


    being asked

    to be responsible for the financial obligation on this business item, which would be a monthly bill and two year contract.

    i feel uneasy.



  404.  #405Kayla on September 14, 2011 at 6:54 pm

    DE that last post made me feel soo inspired. And I do love this about me, if I did not have this fear I would not be able to make a shift, right? I love me, I love my fear, maybe if I love this fear enough, it won’t need anymore love, and it will go away (: I love sinking into my feelings. It always makes me feel more peaceful.

  405.  #406DE on September 14, 2011 at 6:55 pm


    I would not focus on “what to respond if he asks why”…but rather…

    Why are you afraid to stand up for yourself while dealing with u “employer”…is this dude u employer?

    I would list my fears associated with answering this question…

    That would help me address them, love them…and come up with a “confident” self “me” to express my feelings and needs in this context…

    what do you think?

    warm hugs,

  406.  #407alias girl on September 14, 2011 at 6:58 pm

    oop. i went offtrack there..

    i feel uncomfortable being told something was a “gift” but really is a business expenditure and a neccessary tool for the business. perhaps it is a language barrier, but “gift” feels not quite the right word to be used for this.

    i feel uneasy being asked to be responsible for the financial obligation on this business item, which would amount to a monthly bill and two year contract in my name.

    what do you think?


  407.  #408Femininewoman on September 14, 2011 at 7:03 pm

    RE 381 Luzydel I am wondering if you could have said “I am feeling this (and use your fingers to indicate the size) small right now”. I use “I feel disrespected with people I have known for a very long time and we have history together. A new person might not necessarily understand what you mean by that because it could mean something else to them. It could also come across as blaming.

  408.  #409alias girl on September 14, 2011 at 7:06 pm

    DE wah. i feel such turmoil and grief.

    i feel you hit on something..

    “Why are you afraid to stand up for yourself while dealing with u “employer”?

    because i am barely getting by as it is. and i am behind and i don’t feel employable and if i make him angry or uncomfortable he could take away my income and then i will be homeless and

    i reeally like living indoors and being part of society

    and i don’t really want a job

    i really don’t

    it’s not that i am not employable

    it’s more that it feels like death to even walk into some of these environments or having stupid people trying to dominate me or groups of people bullying me,

    i love my fears

    i feel an ache in my heart and sobbing and watery blurry eyes and squeaky sounds and tight throat and pressure in my head

    and crying and fingers typing and misspelling and backspacing


    i love me

    i love my fears

    love my potentially homeless self

    and self that feels uncomfortable around people and scared of being bullied

    i lov emy not fitting in self

    i love my unwillingness to not waste my life doing STUPID LOW PAYING JOBS

    i feel sobbing

    i love my disappointed self

    my innocent self with enthusiasm that gets squashed with fears with other people’s lame behavior.

    i love my runny nose.

    i love my sobbing.i love the sweat dripping from my armpits and my runny nose.

    i love my fears.

    i love my lack of faith in this moment


    ah i feel a liitle ray of sunshine

    a breath of relief

  409.  #410AmazingMe on September 14, 2011 at 7:07 pm

    @398 DE Well said 🙂

  410.  #411DE on September 14, 2011 at 7:07 pm


    I noticed when I really allow to feel the “fear”…all kind of body sensations came along with it…tingly…tummy ache…etc…and then, tears…and then relief…and good feelings…

    This is the moment to create the shift in our “perception”…and “beliefs”…like “he will disappear…give up…i am not worth it…etc…”

    and the shift would be something like “wow…i am worth it…i am on my bridge (visualizing something beautiful)…I feel strong…open…Goddessy…the Horizon opens up in front of u…and u imagine the Man for u…in front of u holding out his hand to u…

    And yes, it is possible it may not be the Man in front of us today…and yes, it’s sad…:( Big sigh…

    Warm hugs,

  411.  #412Emerson on September 14, 2011 at 7:12 pm

    Your feelings are valid because they are yours. If you are not sure what to say, sleep on it. I’ve learned that it’s best to keep quiet until I really know what I want to say to someone, especially work related stuff.

    Hmm possibly language barrier, I don’t know the guy… but it does feel “off” to hear about a “gift” when like you said, it is needed for work stuff with him. Blech. AG is too smart to be spoofed like that. Hmmph!

    Well.. on the other hand…If it was truly a gift to you, hmm…then in reality, you could turn around and sell it on ebay. Tee hee… I’m evil 😀

  412.  #413LILI 41 on September 14, 2011 at 7:16 pm

    Thank you for being here FW.
    I feel angry right now that he isn’t even calling to check if I’m OK. He was so caring last night when he called to come see me, but I told him he should not because it’s not time for him to catch my cold. I am po’d that he didn’t even call to see how I was doing, not even 5 minutes. Now, I’m having all these paranoid feelings: Is he taking me for granted because I said I was glad he called? I so do not want to fall back in the trap of him having me as a sure thing so he can take me for granted again.
    He called me 3 times while I was at zumba class last week, desperately wanting to share something with me. Now that he knows I’m bed ridden with a cold…nothing.
    I posted a new profile on eharmony. I will ask my friend about that guy she wanted to introduce to me. I hate being stuck home paranoid about what he’s doing and with who…when he’s probably with his son. He usually has his son on Mondays and Tuesdays, but didn’t this week because he had to work. He’s probably making it up to him tonight. He called me all weekend to be with me. no news on Monday, called me last night to come see me, but now news tonight.
    I refuse to get back in the needy clingy vibe of calling him to check on him. I told him I wouldn’t be calling him because I did not want to get back in that routine of being taken for granted and be put on a shelf. I need to stick to that.
    But gee whiz it’s tough to do when I’m stuck home. I would rather be out with him wondering where I am and what I’m doing.

  413.  #414alias girl on September 14, 2011 at 7:18 pm

    i feel a little better.

    thank you so much DE for responding to me. i feel very appreciative and

    i had felt closed down before because we hadn’t communicated well but here it feels like you reached out an olive branch (in my perspective, not necessarily reality)

    and i feel appreciative. i have always found this blog difficult to navigate as far as interacting with people

    welll in real life it feels a little difficult to navigate as well

    so after various experiments i just made the decision to do my own thing and expect nothing from anybody and if someon reaches out to me directly then to respond in the best way i can at that moment.

    anyway i feel appreciative and open to you. and also i feel a little nervous because i don’t feel comfortable bonding with others. lol.

    so i would like to feel appreciative and friendly

    but i don’t want to feel the burden of expectations of others. (ah which would make me have to have boundaries….which still feels uncomfortable to express)


    this is really going off on a tangent here and i am going to stop writing

    thank you. that is my main point. and i hope if you had any bad feelings in my previous manner with you that you can either forgive me or give me time until you no longer feel that way towards me.

    i feel grossly uncomfortable posting this.

  414.  #415DE on September 14, 2011 at 7:18 pm

    AG #407:

    Okay…sigh :(…i feel for u…cause I was in these kind of situations many times…

    I sense of big fear and disgust…being placed in a position to possible have to “lie” and not “honor” your true self…just so can u protect yourself…am i right???

    I sense about u being very truthful and honest…and really struggle with that…u likely judge yourself…and think of it as a bad …

    These are very powerful feelings and we want to protect them since are a part of our core belief…

    Would be willing to report him for “unfair” practices should he retaliate against u for not accepting such an “uncomfortable” gift?

    warm hugs,

  415.  #416Emerson on September 14, 2011 at 7:20 pm

    I just tried to do the five second smile with a cute older businessman in a suit, he was pretty handsome, but he looked away!
    Oh well, his loss, I have nice boobs! hahahah I feel funny tonight!! 😀

  416.  #417Femininewoman on September 14, 2011 at 7:20 pm

    LILI41 You realize you also have the option to believe that he knows you are not feeling well so he could be assuming that you might prefer to rest to rebuild your strength so he is giving you the space to do so.

  417.  #418Femininewoman on September 14, 2011 at 7:21 pm

    RE 415 Emerson I take that as the man’s indication that he is emotionally unavailable for some reason; maybe married.

  418.  #419Emerson on September 14, 2011 at 7:23 pm

    416 aww he probably was married how sweet!!!! Aww I feel all warm and smily toward him being all loyal to his wife not wanting to flirt with me! so sweet!

  419.  #420LILI 41 on September 14, 2011 at 7:23 pm

    My close friend is such a good example. She started seeing this guy who is really into to her and she is really into him. They did the whole honeymoon bit for 4 weeks. She had to repeat the same speach to him 3 times: I need my “me” time, I feel like I’m disconnecting from myself and I do not want to lose myself. He was the one being clingy and needy. She spends the whole weekend with him, but only sees him 1 night during the week. She’s going to dinner with a girlfriend on Friday. I should ask her if I can join in and make it a girls night out. I don’t want to be waiting around for this guy because it is going nowhere.

  420.  #421alias girl on September 14, 2011 at 7:26 pm

    #410 emerson thank you for your feedback. i feel appreciative.

    “Blech. AG is too smart to be spoofed like that. Hmmph!”

    LOL LOL.

    what you suggested feels like a good idea. I feel good about not responding until i feel really clear and good about what i want to say and also what i hope to accomplish by saying it.

    I believe he uses the language barrier as an excuse. i could be wrong. time will tell. of course, the better story to tell is that he is just this really cute, innocent parisian guy that accidently does the most inappropriate things that happen to be to his advantage.

    ok, there is probably even a better story i could tell myself than that. again i went a little astray with it by adding devious intentions.

    but come on! he literally wrote me “they are “forcing” me to add this information for the “user of the cellphone”

    ON WHO’S PLANET does the cell provide CARE who is USING the cell phone?????? they care about who pays the diggity bill.

    yes, if it was truly a “gift” free and clear i doubt it would come with a minutes plan like he offered and a budgeted amount that i cannot go over and would also be something i get to keep should our working relationship be terminated.

    maybe that is what “gift” means in french. i know there are french sirens on here….

  421.  #422Iara on September 14, 2011 at 7:27 pm


    I wasn’t open to share my body that way, I stopped him, it felt strange. There were 4 CDs I wanted to tranfer, 3 of them were files that use to study, and one of them was with other data, pictures included. I just missed it. It wasn’t me who retrived the files from my other computer, so I just didn’t realize it until the transfer was done. He didn’t look at them while he was tranfering, he deleted them all from his computer and then deliberately “rescued” them, as if to torture himself. I don’t need to hide my past, it is just that he is really, really jealous and after I noticed that there could be something he didn’t want to see, I let him know. But he said he deleted them. This feels so strange. I was so proud of myself to let go a man that left me for another girl and he is still haunting me. Go away!

  422.  #423DE on September 14, 2011 at 7:30 pm

    AG #412:

    Aww…sweetie…thank u 🙂 I feel so touched…

    U know, I didn’t hold any bad feelings…remember, I vent it about…I expressed my feelings…and I really moved on…of course, still sadness in my heart for not creating a connection…:(

    We all seek a meaningful connection…especially, here where we spill out so many personal matters …I think I shared more about myself here than to anyone in my entire life…so, yes, I see the people I interact with as part of my family 🙂

    I feel grateful for being allowed to help … and feels awesome 🙂 Thank u …

    Warm hugs,

  423.  #424AmazingMe on September 14, 2011 at 7:31 pm

    So OK my neighbor yes he is very yummy. Well he is a pretty good friend too, I would like to think. Ok so long time back we messed around. Nothing came of it but it was fun. I don’t regret the experience at all and it was safe,respectable,all that good stuff. So I get a text out of the blue and we just chatting. So some conversation was just flirtacious. I believe sexxxually he could teach me a few things. So somehow as always,cause he is sexxxxually a flirt,the convo went towards sexxxx stuff. I threw in casually that I am on strike that I wanted more than just sexxxx in my life. Did I handle this right? I mean I am feeling deprived I mean geez I am at my prime…

  424.  #425alias girl on September 14, 2011 at 7:38 pm

    #413 DE

    thank you for your compassion and thoughtfulness.

    the rest of this post got really long winded and isn’t necessarily in need of you reading or personally replying…. it just happens to be in the same post.


    it really is not that kind of arrangement. this is a start up business and i am basically his first real “employee”. and i line up really well with what he needs. it is work but it is really easy for me and enjoyable since it is what i do so easily (write/create)

    and then it could possibly turn into other kinds of opportunity for me…

    depending on how successful the business

    and also how well i feel lined up with it.

    it’s just

    this is one the opportunities or “options” i had arranged for myself that actually felt do-able for me in a way that didn’t feel AWFUL.

    so, i mean, he is the boss man, the head guy. the only guy, mostly. there may be some investors.

    i just feel bad because when we had our first meeting it felt like a totally different vibe than any day after.

    all of a sudden there were restrictions and contracts and things introduced that were never discussed. and i already shared my feelings on that and he said he felt “shame”

    and i said no, i don’t want anyone to feel bad

    and now this.

    and wtf.

    and i don’t like how he wants to be up my a** every two seconds via every technological way known to man.

    the reason i was excited about this was the freedom, the potential for opportunity, the way it lined up with my skills and interests and that he seemed easy going and that he seemed excited about me too.

    he made it seem like a real OPPORTUNITY and now anytime i mention that word he feels the need to clarify and really manage my expectations

    i don’t know

    like a man comes on all strong with fake bravado of who he is and what the two of you could be together and then starts backpedalling

    and telling you about all these other obstacles and blechs that were purposefully misrepresented.

    maybe this isn’t fully accurate as i am in a negative frame of mind.

  425.  #426LILI 41 on September 14, 2011 at 7:39 pm

    Thank you FW for your support. It’s so good to have you here.
    I need to put the focus back on myself by taking care of myself. I am going to sleep to be in shape to go to work tomorrow. It’s 10:30 pm here in the eastern timezone. Tomorrow is a new day. He can just wonder why I didn’t call him like I used to when I didn’t hear from him. I know I would be instantly gratified by knowing where he is and what he’s doing, but then I would feel clingy and needy. I definitely do not want to be that anymore and I don’t want him to feel that he has to report to me. It would feel controlling.

    Goodnight everyone.

  426.  #427alias girl on September 14, 2011 at 7:40 pm

    #421 De aw. xoxo. 🙂 i feel good now i had the courage to post that. i feel good to read what you wrote.

  427.  #428DE on September 14, 2011 at 7:44 pm


    Gosh, I know all about the “prime” …lol

    Hmm…this is tricky…I don’t know what to say about this…it is up to u…how do u feel about it?

    What do you want? Can you not bit yourself up if u sleep with him and “learn” some “moves”?

    I noticed until recently healing that judgement of myself for making love to a man prior to exclusivity discussion and/or commitment…was really the KEY…It opened soooo many doors for me…and guess what, I feel soo less tempted to “fell” off the wagon and give in to temptation that doesn’t seem worthy to me…I believe I am the prize…A man feels honored to be in my presence and experience any part of me…:)

    Geez, what a DIVA right???? Lol…and it wasn’t always this way…:)

    Warm hugs,

  428.  #429alias girl on September 14, 2011 at 7:47 pm

    i am going to go skating right now with my supercool new skates that i have been riding every single night since i got them!!!!

    i <3 me.

    i am probably going to babble on about this more when i get back but i feel cooped up and unfree and i want to feel free and beautiful like i do when i skate.

    (and people SMILE at me when i am on my skates!)

    thank you sirens. i feel very appreciative and loving of the island tonight.

  429.  #430AmazingMe on September 14, 2011 at 8:00 pm

    @426 Yes DE gotta love being at this “so called” PEAK!! So I mean I could without a doubt do him and go about my business, no attachments. I only get attached when I allow it. The thing is do I want to give it up for my benefit yes but not for anyone else..make sense. So yes I feel that way too, I just feel I am a “DIVA” haha actually they call us a goddess! My goodies are good so sorry if you want some milk you have to buy the cow! lol but all seriousness that is how I feel I want more in my life. I can pleasure myself and that helps me learn about me too! So I did the right thing, the boy mode in me normally would of done it. The girl would have caved in first feeling well he wanted it…not this time! YAY!

  430.  #431DE on September 14, 2011 at 8:05 pm


    Well, that sounds wonderful!!!! U go girl!!!

    I do feel a bit confused though…why did you ask us “if u handle this right?”…:) Were you referring about “expressing” to him your boundary???

    Warm hugs,

  431.  #432AmazingMe on September 14, 2011 at 8:08 pm

    @429 Yes just throwing out my boundary like that in the convo so he knew what I was feeling. Thanks DE …XOXO

  432.  #433Emoticon on September 14, 2011 at 8:10 pm

    Alias Girl!!! Your intentions sound like I wrote em word 4 word. I found me a soul sister! 🙂

  433.  #434Kayla on September 14, 2011 at 8:12 pm

    I feel like I need to vent to maybe sink into my feelings a little bit better.

    I feel scared that he will just disappear.

    I feel needy and not in control for this.

    I feel sad.

    I feel mad.

    Why am I feeling like this? I haven’t felt like this in a long time.. I just want this feeling of fearfullness to go away. There is sooo many nasty voices in my head right now and for some reason I can’t seem to make them be quiet!
    This makes me feel so angry! They have overstayed their welcome. I want them to leave now.
    I feel scared that the smallest thing could trigger me right now. Sirens please help!! Give me some advice on how to make this feeling go away, I do not like it at all. I have tried sinking into my feelings and usually it works, but today it just doesn’t seem to be working. For some reason I just don’t feel like I’m enough. And it wasn’t something he did either, I just feel like this. Maybe that’s why I feel so upset about this feeling.

  434.  #435DE on September 14, 2011 at 8:16 pm


    The likey lreason u are resisting feeling your feelings…is likely because u need to riff ( e.g., blow out some steam)…

    Try to go back in your past…do you have memories of your little inner girl being abondoned…punished …if she didn’t please the people around her????

    How about later…did she feel judged for standing up for herself…and then rejected by those close to her???

    This is a start….

    I often use the blog to bring out and riff about past experiences…

    U can also do it in private…

    Warm hugs,

  435.  #436Emoticon on September 14, 2011 at 8:18 pm

    Have you sirens ever felt like you just wanna say what u have 2 say n not have 2 read a response? My ex is txting me about this whole long ridiculous situation. Long story short he cheated on his gf with me saturday n then she cheated on him. They both expect me 2 keep their secrets from each other which I will but I told them both I do not want to be their confidants anymore. I don’t really care what they think or how they feel about that because I’m tired of being the holder of secrets and bearer of stresses for a relationship I’m not in. He keeps txting me I use feeling messages and he keeps on texting me lol. But as far as I’m concerned once I got my point across I’m good I don’t care what’s said after that, if anything

  436.  #437Xti on September 14, 2011 at 8:41 pm

    #273 Emerson,

    Thanks 🙂 I feel happy when I have enough time to comment. I read the blog as often as I can, but my time for writing is sporadic and the blog moves fast. lol

    I appreciate your acknowledgment though. I feel welcome, so thank you!

  437.  #438Emoticon on September 14, 2011 at 8:46 pm

    I feel like I have a weight on my chest that I need to get off!!! I hate lies betrayal secrecy and all these other deceitful things that make me feel bad

  438.  #439Starla on September 14, 2011 at 8:50 pm

    Well, sh*t

    I leaned forward and hinted to CD1 I wanted to see him. He picked up the hint and said he’d be on his way.

    BUT then I got self conscious about leaning forward, so I played it off, and then so did he, and it ended up with him saying he WOULDN’T be visiting me tonight, because he’s gotta be up early in the morning.

    So, 2 lessons learned:
    1. Leaning forward feels sh*tty (learning this for the bazillionth time)
    2. If you’re gonna lean forward to get something you want, and the man offers it to you, don’t play freaking games.

    I actually committed to myself on Monday that I wouldn’t lean forward at all this week, but here I am, and feeling bad.

    It was a man cr@ck moment. Another siren here warned me about this today, but I didn’t heed her warnings.


    I kinda feel like having a tantrum. A good riff is in order when I finish up with some studying in a few minutes. Be back soon!

  439.  #440alias girl on September 14, 2011 at 9:09 pm

    #431 emoticon. aw. i’ve been seeking my soul people. and here you all are. ((aw.))

  440.  #441alias girl on September 14, 2011 at 9:15 pm

    so here’s what came into my mind while i was skating tonight

    “what a douchbag” “i hate him” “screw him” “I want to quit”


    and then i realized this is precisely because i am not expressing myself to him. once i say what i need to say to someone then i usually feel good no matter what the outcome.

    also. i learned my big huge painful lesson with my last job. (literally my last “job”. i will never hold another “job” at least not in my mind. i am the boss of me. thank you.)

    but i learned if i keep resentments inside and act like everything is ok then i very quickly hate on everything and everyone to do with the situation.

    also, what i learned is Business is Business.

    this guy, regardless of his superficial chumminess has actually been very shrewd with me. so not to get confused alias girl, like you tend to do.


    I will treat this and all future matters in a very businesslike manner. it’s not personal dude, it’s business. and me expressing i am uncomfortable is also business as I need to feel a certain level of comfort for me to choose to be in situations with people. BUSINESS.

    So now having realized all this..

    i am almost ready to communicate with him

  441.  #442Starla on September 14, 2011 at 9:19 pm

    there was some doubt in my mind about how safe i was to lean back completely, and if i would get my needs met without leaning forward, or if he had enough feminine energy where i could meet him with my masculine energy (some guys need that lean-forward reassurance)

    but the answer is no. he is all man here. which is what i am actually looking for. but due to his poetic, deep nature, I mistook him for having feminine energy.

    well, all confusion is now cleared up.

    Noticing my mental pattern of wanting to beat myself up for “making a mistake” and ignoring all evidence that nothing is ruined.

    I love me:)

  442.  #443alias girl on September 14, 2011 at 9:20 pm

    here’s part I

    I feel uncomfortable with a few things that I would like to mention in order to maintain a good working relationship between us. I feel a little disappointed if someone asks me which i prefer (ie dell or sony) and I say sony. and then another option is picked that was neither. i feel my time was wasted or my preference not taken inot consideration or something that really feels like a negation. I don’t care that you got a toshiba. it’s your computer, your business. it’s just i feel confused why i was even asked. when i said i would feel happy with whatever computer you chose, i thought the options were between dell and sony and i said i would feel happy with whatever because i did not want you to feel you needed to buy the top of the line and i truly will be happy with whatever. i just don’t want to be asked my preference and then have it be negated. i would feel better my preference not be asked in the first place and just do what you will.

  443.  #444Starla on September 14, 2011 at 9:26 pm

    Wow! Having this revelation! I can make “mistakes” and everything will still be okay. Not all is fatal!

    I have very black and white thinking. This comes from growing up in a home where every little mistake was severely punished and my mom ultimately kicked me out for “not doing the dishes when [she] asked”

    Seriously. My mother kicked me out, (stole some of my money), and disappeared to another state because I didn’t do the f*cking dishes. I was a child.

    I’m healing this.

    Thank you universe for delivering to me this safe healing opportunity:)

  444.  #445alias girl on September 14, 2011 at 9:26 pm

    part II

    in regards to the cellphone email earlier, i feel uncomfortable being told something was a “gift” but really is a business expenditure and a neccessary tool for the business. perhaps it is a language barrier, but “gift” feels not quite the right word to be used for this.
    i feel uneasy being asked to be responsible for the financial obligation on this business item, which would amount to a monthly bill and two year contract in my name. This was not discussed or even explained to me when my identifying information was asked for in the email. It was just mentioned that verizon required my ss# and dl# because i was the “user” of the cell phone.
    I feel this was a misrepresentation of the situation and causes me to feel on guard. I feel confused why this has happened. I feel better to have open and clear communications about what is expected of me so I can make the best decisions. what do you think?

  445.  #446Emerson on September 14, 2011 at 9:43 pm

    I feel bored with the new dating site I joined. A lot of men from out of state view my pic, send me winks, etc. But nobody local really.

  446.  #447Tmizz on September 14, 2011 at 9:45 pm

    Hey, Mel – re #372

    I love that your gun magazine guy is so funny for you!

    But when I read how that situation was playing out, I have to admit, I kind of cringed. You’ve been on several dates, and so you thought you would offer to treat him the next time, to “be polite” I guess. The guy is being cool and going along with it. And making a joke of it, apparently. But jokes ALWAYS contain a grain of truth.

    Look at what he’s doing – he’s offering gun-toting magazines and other male things for you while you “wait for him to get ready” (i.e. he’s being the girl.)

    This may be a funny and humorous situation, but it looks to me like he’s using his sense of humor to highlight everything we’re talking about here: by offering to pay for dinner, you are essentially making yourself “the man.” Do you want to be the man? Or were you offering because you thought you “had to”?

    It sounds to me like it was the latter. Some sort of social guilt drove you to do it.

    But we are all here to say, sister, that you do NOT need to pay for the man – EVER.

    And he is telling you, in his own subtle way, that he does not need you to pay for him, either.

    Even though he’s making a game of it, my guess is that he would be SUPER happy to pay for you every single time he takes you out. And I bet he’s hoping that you won’t offer again 😉

    So I hope you don’t think I’m being hard on you. This is just how the situation struck me. Of course use your instincts. But don’t forget – you are a siren, and you don’t need to “DO” anything!! xoxo

  447.  #448Butterfly wings on September 14, 2011 at 9:53 pm

    Hmmm it’s funny how differently we tend to perceive things because I saw Mel’s situation exactly how she saw it.

    And I sometimes (rarely) buy for TH too and I see absolutely nothing wrong with that because it’s just my teeny bit of giving back.

    The “rules” set out here I believe are a wonderful guide to get us on our way to eternal happiness. But in no way do I think that these rules shouldn’t be broken or bent sometimes. If we lived so rigidly all the time I think life would suck!

    Leaning back works great with TH but i find nothing wrong with leaning forward when I’m feeling like a rock star! Does that make sense?

  448.  #449Butterfly wings on September 14, 2011 at 9:56 pm

    Oh and bottom line everybody is that we should do what makes us feel good! And from my perspective, I believe Mel’s feeling quite fabulous these days! Am I right Mel? 🙂

  449.  #450Tmizz on September 14, 2011 at 9:56 pm

    Okay, I have two pet peeves that I want to share here.

    They’re actually about some of the stuff on that we talk about here, so bear with me….

    One is, the phrase “I miss you.” That NEVER works for me. I could, for example, say to someone after they showed up, if they’d been gone for a while, “I missed you.” In the past tense. But to say it WHILE they are “gone.” Just feels so wrong to me. It’s like, “Hey, why aren’t you calling me??” It feels whiney, desperate, needy. No guy likes that. It feels subtly manipulative to me. Even if I am being totally honest. I just get the feeling that it drives men AWAY…far away. And even farther if they are already gone.

    Okay, and number two is – eye contact. Don’t get me wrong. I think eye contact is great!

    And it is soooo hard to do a true “5-second” stare, because most of the time, the guys will look away. And if they do keep eye contact – whoa. Watch out. That guy may think that he has instant access to you.

    But that’s not what bothers me. What gets me is that Rori says this is a “non-aggressive” activity. But, honeys, there is hardly anything more aggressive than eye contact! It is VERY aggressive! Just in a biological, subconscious sense.

    In fact, when I was working with stray/feral cats in college, I was trained, when feeding them, NOT to look them in the eyes. Because if we did, they would instantly see that as a sign of “aggression,” and they would run away. To make them feel safe, we were instructed to look at them, but NOT directly into the eyes.

    So, if eye contact is aggressive for animals, then it’s aggressive for humans. Maybe it’s a way for us to be “aggressive” in an assertive, confident way, that says we are sure of ourselves, and we aren’t afraid of the man, if he wants to talk to us. It lets us communicate that we’re interested without saying anything. But “looking” at someone is definitely an aggressive act.

    Okay, those are my two cents.

    (literally, almost! ha!)

  450.  #451Tmizz on September 14, 2011 at 10:01 pm

    @ Butterfly Wings

    It’s okay. We can totally perceive things differently. No problem!

    And Mel seems happy, so why not?

    I’ve paid for guys in small ways, on some occasions, when it seems appropriate. And I think most guys appreciate a *little* bit of giving back. Like maybe 10 or 20% of what they give you (in a monetary sense).

    But for me, it was just the extreme parody he was making, which seemed to me to be him saying (in a humorous way), “Well, if you want to be the man, you can be the man!”

    That’s what made me cringe.

    But – on the other side of that – in good relationships, masculine and feminine energy flow back and forth between partners. So maybe this is a really good sign!

    Mel is welcome to take my thoughts and match them up to her experience and make whatever she likes to make of them. 🙂

  451.  #452Tmizz on September 14, 2011 at 10:03 pm

    #442 – Wow, Starla. You’ve been through a lot!

    You must be so strong for having lived through that.

    Hugs to you!

  452.  #453alias girl on September 14, 2011 at 10:06 pm

    i am refining what i am going to send. i will wait til i feel good about it, if that’s possible.

    i actually feel a little hating on him right now so

    he is probably feeling the same towards me. 🙁

    but when Ever does one person hate in the situation and the other person doesn’t feel badly back. no one likes to be hate on.

    i feel annoyed that i even have to spend time on this. i feel embarrassed to have to say anything at all. like i’m supposed to be ms perfect and nothing bothers me and always light hearted and gay (nv taught to me by my chronically depressed and repressed rage parents. lol)

  453.  #454Starla on September 14, 2011 at 10:07 pm

    The words “I miss you” in the present tense are so masculine to me. I would never use them romantically. I say it to my grandma who lives many states away.

    And they’re super loaded…I notice lots of guys avoid using them because they’re so gut wrenchingly vulnerable.

  454.  #455Butterfly wings on September 14, 2011 at 10:14 pm

    For sure Tmizz. 🙂

    I suppose I have a similar sense of humor to Mel it seems and unless you’re on the same wavelength it’s very easy to find such interactions as cringe-worthy.

    But that’s the beauty of this blog. We’re all so very different and will perceive things so differently but we’re able to share our stories and help each other despite that.

    I think it’s FW who has pointed things out to me that I never would have seen otherwise and I appreciate her perspective.

    As for the eye contact thing I cant do 5 seconds. And I kind of agree it can be aggressive. But then maybe that all depends on the setting?

    For example, I’d be quite fine trying it in a night club, but never in a meeting with one of my hot executive managers! I’d think he’d wonder if I was trying a power play??

    I often have guys make eye contact with me first anyway, so I respond in kind. But never 5 seconds!! Lol

  455.  #456alias girl on September 14, 2011 at 10:20 pm

    ooooooh i am so rocking this! i feel so rockstar and business siren!!!!

    i actually feel GOOD to send it.

    and i feel my wording really is working now.

    although i still want to jab at his eyes. so.

    maybe i am not 100% there.

  456.  #457alias girl on September 14, 2011 at 10:24 pm

    452 starla i often want to use the words i miss you. but i hold back. and i actually feel i am hold an vitally authentic part of myself back.

    i hope maybe i find people and men who WANT and LIKE to hear it.

    i like to hear it. i like to be missed. 🙂 i feel smiley just thinking about it.

    i hope you All miss me when i am away from the blog. lol.

  457.  #458Starla on September 14, 2011 at 10:26 pm

    alias girl
    i have no idea what is going on because I’m a lazy bast@rd who won’t read all the comments, but (forgive me) your draft email to him sounds SUPER DUPER blamey. I feel really good about you getting it out “on paper,” so to speak. I wonder what it will look like when it gets revised. I feel like I can relate to the letter you wrote him so I’m interested in how it all goes.