Stop Him From Withdrawing This Way:

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If you’re holding onto a man – most likely it’s because he’s withdrawing.  And the weird and terrible thing is that – he’s likely withdrawing because you’re Holding On To him!

So in order to stop him from withdrawing, you have to stop Holding On.

And I know that sounds completely counter-intuitive.

We all want to grab, stop, and hold onto ANYTHING that feels like it’s running away from us. That’s why people end up with all sorts of things they don’t really want at auctions – they just get caught up in not letting something slip away.

The way to KEEP a man is to Let Go of him.  This is completely different from Letting HIM go, remember – this is about letting YOURSELF go.

Think of it this way: You are Letting Go without even CONSIDERING what HE’S doing.  You are REFUSING to HOLD ON to anything about this man.

The truth is – when we’re holding onto a man, it’s us who’re stopped cold.  It’s like he’s dragging us along wherever he goes (in my Commitment Blueprint program, this is how we’ll follow a man off our own Bridge to our Happy Ever After.  We’ll follow him even into the pits, because that’s what we’ve all been trained and taught to do our whole lives.  The “Blueprint” teaches you how to STAY on your own Bridge, and simply keep going no matter WHAT he does.)

So it’s not a matter of watching him go off somewhere when he withdraws – it’s not about LETTING him go, it’s about letting go of something – anything – that’s moving away from you, so you can go in your OWN direction – so you can keep doing what you need to do to take care of yourself.

And what happens when you do that?  All of a sudden a man turns around and has to be with you.  All of a sudden you completely lose that aura of clinginess and desperation – and you look CONFIDENT – and that changes everything.

So – I want you to imagine that at this moment, your holding onto a man – his shirt, his leg, his shoulders, his thoughts, his hair, his eyes.

Now – just Open Your Hands.  Let go.  Now turn around. Focus on something else in front of you.

Every time you even think about a man who’s not right in front of you or on the phone with you, try this Tool for starters – just Open Your Hands, and let me know what happens…

Love, Rori

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  1.  #1Uschi on September 6, 2009 at 7:12 am

    I am afraid it may be to late to make him turn around and come back if I do this

  2.  #2Kristen on April 28, 2011 at 1:58 pm

    You are so right, I love that you posted this, the only problem I need to get myself by is I just have to get it in my mind that if I let go and he doesn’t come back then I am still a happy person who can continue loving who I am as a person and love my life.

  3.  #3Spiral on October 4, 2011 at 6:50 pm

    Rori, when I imagined opening my hands, I burst into tears. I wrapped my arms around myself and I sobbed, “Don’t go. Don’t leave me. Please don’t leave me.” I broke down into a salty puddle and fell onto my bed.
    Where is the confident woman I’m supposed to be? I felt like a child, begging a parent not to leave me somewhere scary, and they left me anyway. It was such a visceral response. I felt awful, not empowered.

  4.  #4Femininewoman on October 4, 2011 at 7:03 pm

    Spiral do you have any recollection of that happening to you as a child? It sounds like fears of abandonment.

  5.  #5Spiral on October 5, 2011 at 6:02 am

    I have no specific recollection of any one event. I come from a normal middle-class family. My parents are still together. No divorce, tragic events, abuse, nothing like that.
    But my father was abused as a child, although I didn’t know this until adulthood. He was determined to raise his three girls as strong and independent. “Crying doesn’t solve anything,” he would tell us. We had to “buck up” and do things.
    I think somewhere along the line, I just learned to push down my fear cuz I knew he wasn’t going to comfort me.
    Of course, now that fear is whooshing up as I try to let go of my Toxic Man. Sigh.

    I feel grateful for this website and the support of powerful sirens.
    I feel proud that I am facing my fears.
    I feel shaky and teary.
    I feel scared but determined.

    Thank you.