Stop Hyper Vigilance and Embrace Yourself

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Here’s a comment from Brenda that speaks of a very universal feeling: The more you dig yourself in and label yourself and try to “better” yourself – the deeper you dig yourself in:

“Rori, I feel isolated and unheard. I have reason to second think my times with men. I have such inept experience with men. So much of this is new to me in experience. When I am in the thick of rapid conversation, I just operate out of second nature. And it’s not good. I come from a very dysfunctional family. I want to break the chain and not be like them. I have to be hyper-vigilant of myself or I will fall into yelling, criticism, and overfunctioning.

I don’t know what to do to stop. I want to cry for all the times I made a fool of myself in front of people. The world of people is scary to me. Trees and fields and dogs are not enough to keep me company.

I feel attacked for being lonely and imperfect in my relational skills. It doesn’t feel good. What do you think? Brenda”

Here’s my answer:

Brenda – how can I help you take better care of yourself, and get yourself out in the world so you can practice without beating yourself up every time you’re “not perfect.”?

How about you write a list of your strengths, your wonderful qualities, and lists of things you like to do, things you lie, and start putting a plan together.

You are so lovely, and spending so much energy ANALYZING things – and I want you to get out there and LIVE – with more relaxation, less tension…and some baby steps to take each day.

You are yelling and critical to others because you are so hard on yourself.

Start here.  Instead of being hyper-vigilant – how about you try being more embracing of yourself and see what happens?

I recommend a meditation group – not in isolation by yourself, a hiking group, going to classes in everything you can think up and find – photography, yoga, belly dance, pole dancing, acting,improvisation, joining a theater group…ANYTHING that feels fun and out there past your comfort zone. This is your ticket.

If I could make just one recommendation for you to keep – instead of hyper-vigilance – try the Modern Siren moving through water Tool – just slow yourself down. Breathe, walk slow.  Move through jelly…talk slow – practice that..okay?

Love, Rori

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  1.  #1Dorothea on September 14, 2010 at 1:31 pm

    Hugs to Brenda and Rori. Two awesome ladies.

  2.  #2Brenda on September 14, 2010 at 2:02 pm

    Awwww! Thank you Rori! This really helped me when you first wrote that to me! I really appreciate your input, and I value your wisdom!

    And thank you, Dorothea!

    I have been really just relaxing more in relationships, and just any old interaction, and moving through jelly, and it is getting much better! I am getting to the point where I lean back, use feeling messages, and relax around people as habit, second nature!

    Sure, I still slip up, but I truly am getting to where I embrace myself! I keep repeating to myself, “I give compassion to my weak parts.”

    And when people in my every day world try to hit me with all-too-familiar condemnation and criticism, I gently give compassion to THEIR weak parts, realizing it isn’t ME.

    I feel really good overall about how I am interacting, and I really want to be my best self in ALL situations!

    Thanks again!!!

  3.  #3Denise on September 14, 2010 at 2:13 pm

    Wow Brenda, awesome job at strengthening your boundaries! You are a diva!!

  4.  #4faubourg on September 14, 2010 at 2:26 pm

    thank you for sharing this with us!

    you are doing great! bravo!

  5.  #5faubourg on September 14, 2010 at 2:33 pm

    i am hypervigilant too…
    i wish i could just relax and live life with more pleasure and relaxation,

    i saw a handsome guy today, i escaped! hold habits coming back…

    i will keep writing down my sensations when i am around men i fancy, stop hypervigilance and start checking on my feelings and sensations,

  6.  #6Brenda on September 14, 2010 at 2:41 pm

    Thank you! Here is a fun little conversation I had with Bill by email today…

    Bill: I’m working on B now 🙂

    Brenda: I’m working on B as in “Brenda”! She’s a piece of work! 🙂 Ah, but she’s going to be a masterpiece! LOL! 🙂

    Bill: YAY! A DaVinci I’m sure!

    Brenda: Lol! You got it! You’s a Da Vinci, too! 🙂

    Bill: We must suffer for our art! (this is an inside joke)

    Brenda: LOL! Perfect timing…again…with that! That is so stinkin funny! Like, God forbid that we do it the easy way!

    Bill: Easy – pooh – easy is for the weak…Our art is strong…

  7.  #7AmberS on September 14, 2010 at 2:43 pm


    I have this image of you in my head as one of those women I don’t like to stand too close to. Because they look so PERFECTLY turned out and chic.

    So it was awesome when you posted that you sit near the handsome men now. I thought- well OF COURSE! Where else would she sit? It’s a great reminder to practice in the in-between moments. Thank you. And BRAVO on setting boundaries for yourself and LOVING yourself! Your ‘voice’ has changed so much in these posts! I just smile and smile when I read your words.

  8.  #8Megan on September 15, 2010 at 1:03 am

    “And when people in my every day world try to hit me with all-too-familiar condemnation and criticism, I gently give compassion to THEIR weak parts, realizing it isn’t ME.”

    I LOVE this. thank you for delivering that message to me 🙂
    I feel like I can relate to the hyper-vigilant thing too.

  9.  #9Jennifer on September 15, 2010 at 3:31 am

    yes, hypervigilance and self condemnations.
    Why is that I have such synchronicity with this blog?
    Last night OTHER judo instructor was all putting the smack down on this diva for self recriminations.
    He said.
    We don’t give out the black belts the first day. I don’t want to hear that you messed up. I want to see you try to do it again. Keep practicing.
    Keep practcing.
    I have to work on practicing.
    Cause soon after that…hot judo instructor came to stand behind me to retie my gi. I always do it wrong… my sister was trying to help me and he just came up and took it from her hands from behind me. I was sooo tense I felt like my spine would snap.
    I kept thinking….what is he doing? Why is he doing that?
    I stopped my birth control (just a trial) and I feel…more Juicy…for lack of a better word. But that just stiffened me right up.
    I’m like dude…what do you want from me?
    I realized later that I could have used the moment to practice melting but got all nervous and tense.

  10.  #10Daisy on September 15, 2010 at 3:55 am

    Hi rori I have your book and one of your programs. You say to end the conversation with a man first. And to let him say the last goodbye

    I start to feel anxious and “in my head” when I think about ending an interaction with a man . Usually I can tell he feels a bit rejected if I want to end our time together first. And I feel guilty and bad.

    On the other hand if I let him end it, I feel disappointed and insecure.

    What words and attitude would work to end conversations and time together without making me feel bad. And should i end dates first, or follow his lead until he suggests leaving.

    If I am supposed to end it, how do I know when? When it first crosses my mind? Or wait to see? At a “peak” time of us feeling good together so he remembers us that way?

    Please help me understand. Specific words to use on phone and in person would be great.

    Thank you,


  11.  #11faubourg on September 15, 2010 at 5:07 am


    this is such a nice thing to say to me, i am so far from being what you picture of me (well in my self esteem) but this is exactly what i love clothes, chic and elegant men, i wish i would allow myself to be who i really am. I am so attracted to nice hotels, nice tea rooms, chic coffee rooms but i do not allow that to myself. A long time ago a man told me : you are a chic woman, you are a luxury woman when i was so low in my self esteem and not asking for a penny, i could not understand what he meant???! now i do.

    it is funny i felt sometimes a little lonely on this blog but i thought to myself it does not matter you do it for yourself, you do it without feeling left alone and you have the right to post on this blog, and you will see what happens and all of a sudden i get all these messages i must say it touches my heart, and to have support from women it means so much to me

    i wanted to say to whole of you how happy i am to have you in my life because you are in my life now, i sometimes talk about circular dating to women i know an they don’t get it, they don’t understand, they say it is not fair on the men!, they say i should date one man at a time, they say i am harsh when i say : “if he is not there he doesn’t exist, and when i say “you should prioritize your relations, if the man is not there for you don’t be there for him neither” (i was asked my opinion) and i get reactions it is very interesting

    and i dare say : I want to come first in a man’s life and in my own life and i get these looks it is funny because i know i am right and i feel the determination when i speak i feel so proud of me and so strong inside and soft outside,
    i still have this little voice telling me : what are you talking about?! you give advice but you have no man in your life! but i keep on because i know i need to be allowing myself to make verbal choices for when i am in the real situation i will be determined too and not let my head twisted because he looks soooooo good!

    when i am not understood i come on this blog and i am understood, thank you ladies because i do not want crumbs anymore and if a woman ask my opinion I tell her “you deserve the best and not crumbs”! and she sees i really mean it!

  12.  #12faubourg on September 15, 2010 at 5:17 am

    i must say i am on my periods (sorry but it is true and it is a treasure of feminity i am learning that) and when i am like that i just don’t take no shit! i have noticed i “make decisions”, i am speaking the truth, i say no to people big full NO’s, I make choices

    i don’t know why but it is my truth, it’s like i have lots of courage and my inner deep true self is radiating and speaking up.

    i once told my boss “i am not your doormat!” in front of several people and i was not afraid,

    my anger is like huge and my determination is so strong; at the same time i feel my sadness strongly too, i am both very strong and very vulnerable at these moments

    i wish i could work on that to make it more balanced!

  13.  #13Brenda on September 15, 2010 at 7:32 am


    That’s terrific that you stood up to your boss! Here is one way I have learned to balance that sort of thing…

    I either wait for a moment when I am alone with the boss or ask if I can speak to him/her for a moment privately. Then I say something like this, depending on the situation, “I feel angry when I am spoken to rudely. I want to be treated with respect. What do you think?”

    Renee told me in the workplace that feeling messages aren’t encouraged. But I think when it is a personal conflict, feeling messages are the most gentle way I can present myself. I had a boss last year at another job who was a real jerk. I confronted him gently while we were meeting one on one at one point. He seemed taken aback at first, and then he smiled and said, “I’m impressed with how you presented yourself. Thank you.” And he shook my hand! After that, he started to treat me with more respect.

    My Mom told me the story many times about when my great-grandfather worked at a paper mill for decades. One man regularly teased him, made fun of him, and knocked things out of his hands in a hostile way. My great-grandfather put up with it for years. One day when the man knocked his lunch out of his hands, my “gramp” had enough. He punched the man in the face and he fell to the floor!

    After that, he was treated with respect. He retired at age 85 with high esteem at the company!!

  14.  #14Brenda on September 15, 2010 at 7:34 am

    I was on Jonathon Aslay’s website, and I really appreciate how he asks women for feedback, to be sensitive to them, rather than just throw out information. Here’s his question:

    Have you ever gone on a date with a guy and thought he is not my guy? So what is the best way to say goodbye without him turning into a jerk? Do you email him a Dear John or just ignore him? Ladies what works best for you?

    Here’s how I answer that!

    I am far better at this than at anything else in dating, because, unfortunately, I’m a nerd magnet! Cuz I’m too nice! Here are my usual words, which I believe should always be honest:

    “I’m sorry, it’s just not there for me.”
    “I’m sorry, I love you, but I’m just not in love with you.”
    “I’m sorry, I am only interested in friendship.”

    One of my worst dates ever was with a foreigner, and there was somewhat of a language barrier. I had been taught that a worthwhile man will pay for the date. Well he ordered and then stepped away from the counter, clearly not looking for me to order with him. So I just stood there silently. He finally said, “Aren’t you going to eat?”

    I was not all that smooth, so I just said, “I don’t have any money.”

    Apparently he didn’t understand, because all he said was, “Are you sure?”

    I muttered, “No.” But he was seriously insensitive to me.

    I felt really uncomfortable as we sat down, me with nothing at all. I had a cold, and I was coughing, so I ran out to my car for tissues and cold medicine. It is the only time I seriously considered bolting, and I wish I had.

    When I came back in, he started talking about his mother pressuring him to get a wife and kids. I wanted to puke. I gave him NO signs of attraction. I didn’t smile, I didn’t say much, and I left ASAP when HE was finished eating. The jerk had the nerve to grab a feelski in the parking lot when he hugged me. I should have slapped him. And that was AFTER I told him I didn’t have any further interest.

    At least now I know how to select dates better from the door, and I hope I never have a dating experience this bad again.

  15.  #15Kath on September 15, 2010 at 7:45 am

    Ah Brenda, I love you!- I love to read your thoughts and messages- and you have given me sound advice in the past (about the same man!)- Who I have been battling with for the past two and bit years and split up from and then got back with and then-now-split up from again and still living in the same house (though he now says he’ll be out by the end of oct) and still having him ask me who men are and say how gorgeous I am etc etc-its killing!- Anyway what I really wanted to share was this…..I once went on a date with a guy who said how sad he’d been as he’d only recently moved to my town and had left a relationship behind, he talked endlessly about her and when I asked him if he thought there was still a chance for him he said he didn’t know- the date turned into a counselling session and when I said goodbye and let him walk away from me he emailed me a few weeks later to thank me for talking sense into him and had moved back to the town he had come from and got back in touch with the Ex- Well, at least I helped him eh??!!

  16.  #16Brenda on September 15, 2010 at 8:03 am

    Hello Kath!

    Thank you for your sweet comments! You’re welcome!

    That’s nice you helped him. Nothing wrong with that. Once in a while at least. I mean, men are people with struggles, too.

  17.  #17Jane on September 15, 2010 at 8:27 am

    When I get very anxious about my man’s behavior (e.g fearing if is texting someone in the bathroom), how can I be authentic about it? In other words, how can I communicate my fear (instead of pretending to him and myself that that does not bother me.?

  18.  #18Turtle Girl on September 15, 2010 at 9:37 am

    Rori said:

    “You are so lovely, and spending so much energy ANALYZING things – and I want you to get out there and LIVE – with more relaxation, less tension…and some baby steps to take each day”.

    Yes indeed-great advise.

    We are lovely sirens who need to have great lives each and every day and be beautiful with less tension. Here here!

    Analysis paralysis.

    Kills the moment and keeps me from moving forward and being present in the moment.
    In the past I have been the queen of it! Talk about over thinking and over functioning! Whew!

  19.  #19Brenda on September 15, 2010 at 10:33 am

    Turtle Girl,

    Good word! I am struggling with feeling pissed off at life today, because it feels so difficult. There are 50 things I need or want to be doing in any given hour. And I feel pissed at myself that more often than not, I just do what I feel like doing.

    So when faced with playing on Siren Island or doing housework? No brainer!!

    Eating a salad or key lime pie? No brainer!

    Paying bills or going to a movie? No brainer!

    I am really struggling with self-discipline. I want to be responsible, but I just do what feels good. I heard a good saying, “It is better to do good than to feel good.” But even tho I know that, too often I make the wrong choices.

    Last night, i was planning to walk my dogs and swim, because I very much need exercise. But the next to last night of America’s Got Talent was on, and then later Drew Barrymore was on David Letterman, so I hung out with the TV and computer instead. Then I felt mad at myself.

    Now I’m at work playing on the computer instead of working on it! Why?? No brainer!

    Ugh! Do any of you have the same struggles? I think the underlying cause is I struggle with feeling futile, like I’m spinning my wheels in life. I am doing a meaningless job when I’d love to be pursuing my POP! But I need to earn money. I want to start a business, but I feel scared to take a risk. I want to help people but I’m too busy. I want to go back to school but I can’t afford it. I feel stuck. I feel frustrated.

    But at least I’m pulling out of depression well.

  20.  #20tinque on September 15, 2010 at 10:49 am

    Oh Bren, my heart goes out to you. I think we all go through phases in life when we think, “what’s the point”. It all feels as you say, futile.
    I don’t know if I can agree with your saying though. I believe you can’t really do good if you don’t feel good first.
    You must take care of you. If it feels good, and you’re not hurting anyone (you included) then I say go for it. So the house is messy, so what. So your bills are a day late, as long as there are no late fees, so what. So once in awhile you have key lime pie for dinner instead of a salad, as long as it’s not a regular thing, so what.
    I don’t have anything more right now.

  21.  #21faubourg on September 15, 2010 at 10:50 am


    I would like to have an enthusiastic life and very enrichening but i don’t know where to start?
    i feel stuck or like i have no idea
    in fact i feel i cannot do it on my own that i need other people to do it with me, i feel i am not able to do what i want to do without others,
    i used to try very hard and challenge myself a lot!! but each time i did things to have a brilliant life i was craving for i ended up lonely

    i don’t know if i am clear enough
    either people don’t want to do it with me, they cancel, or I cannot find people who have the same interests as me or if i find them they are very arrogant people and not willing me to get into “their” world

    i don’t know how to start…
    maybe make my goals clearer (i analyze sorry rori)

    but if i don’t “think” things i want and that i have to “feel” them and feel my enthusiasm for them, my mind gets blank i cannot think anymore. it is the same for men i have no idea how to start where to start i ask others to validate or tell me what i should do or to be more specific it is like they can and i have no clue, i NEED their knowledge…

    it is not very “woman of tomorrow” attitude but it is my pb,

    like my choice is either a lonely life if i do what i love or a more “friendly” life if i frustrate myself to do things with them

    i am doing family constellation (psychogenealogy) it helps me a lot, i have one next week it will help me much, i think i will choose this topic.

  22.  #22Daria on September 15, 2010 at 10:55 am

    faubourg – i (used to) feel the same way, lonely doing things by myself and unmotivated.

    Babysteps have helped, as well as opening up to every person around… listening to the world at level II. to bring more people in my life interested in the same things.

    and i used this blog. a lot. i know since i have this blog i have the baseline support i need

  23.  #23Daria on September 15, 2010 at 10:58 am

    wow I just googled family constellations – what a cool type of magic healing!

  24.  #24faubourg on September 15, 2010 at 11:09 am

    it is an amazing “tool” if you find a good specialist to do it with

    it is very powerful actually,

  25.  #25faubourg on September 15, 2010 at 11:10 am

    what do you mean by listening to the world at level II?

  26.  #26Mercedes on September 15, 2010 at 11:26 am

    Once again…just subscribing. I miss it here but at least I get to read…

    Much Love,

  27.  #27Jason Miller on September 15, 2010 at 11:33 am

    9: Jennifer

    Your judo instructor was taking good care of you in a very dominant, masculine way by tying your belt. Probably a huge dose of masculine energy you weren’t used to. I think most women in modern society are conditioned to be afraid or suspicious of this kind of thing out of fear of being victimized. You tensed up because you felt at some level there was a threat by his doing that in that way. Just my opinion. Your mileage may vary.

  28.  #28Brenda on September 15, 2010 at 11:45 am


    RE: #18 – Thank you so much! You are my role model for being accepting! I wish more people were like you.

    To tell you the gut level truth, tho, it IS damaging my life. I am seriously overweight, and my house is seriously messy. A big part of that tho was moving at the end of January and not being able to settle in because of my S-I joint injury. It was painful to walk or stand. Now I am free of pain, but I am stiff and have little muscle tone from 6 months of being in pain. Baby steps, right? Right. Thank you so much! I really appreciate your presence on this blog!


  29.  #29faubourg on September 15, 2010 at 12:01 pm

    Brenda i am also willing to lose weight, i have not done any exercise for almost a year because i was too exhausted and just could not

    i am resting and walking a little, i am planning an exercise routine for october, i will go back to ballet dance and to hip hop dance and to long walks as i used to do before being in a burn out

    i have found a great tool that helps me a lot it is Underground wellness on you tube, this guy Sean is giving great advice which i find so comforting and interesting so i have stopped eating bread (big huge miracle!!) within the week and less coffee and less this and that and i feel much better

    i think trying to force it is not good instead listening to my body which needs so much love and tenderness is good for me,
    and in any shape i am a siren and i like that 🙂

    big hug to you and you are right to want to take care of your bills! it is so important to take our life in our hands and do our things!!

  30.  #30Brenda on September 15, 2010 at 12:11 pm

    faubourg, thanks!

  31.  #31tinque on September 15, 2010 at 12:12 pm

    How about this Brenda, throw a get Bren’s house in order party. All you can drink drinks and tiny bites of key lime pie with a side of salad.

  32.  #32Jason Miller on September 15, 2010 at 12:14 pm

    19: faubourg

    I don’t know your situation in detail, but I have a hunch about what’s going on with you. Is it possible that by thinking, striving, and setting goals you’re relying too much on your masculine energy to “get things done?” Your feminine side might be screaming to come out and start drawing better men toward you.

    This is an energetic thing. Exercising your feminine side becomes more about being and not doing. And from that place of being feminine, you have to power to respond to men in your environment as you choose.

  33.  #33Denise on September 15, 2010 at 12:14 pm


    Jason I think you are right. If the woman can appreciate receiving a mans efforts without real thought other than him being a man, her femininity would get a boost. She could then smile at him sweetly, thanking him, maybe even a ‘what would I do without you?’ Comment. Flirting-so much fun!

  34.  #34Kath on September 15, 2010 at 12:20 pm

    I would be very interested to hear a man’s point of view on my situation. I am living with the man I have recently split up with-and trying to keep firm boundaries and trying to be a decent human being until he moves out-I have stopped cooking and cleaning and ironing for him and yet at every opportunity he tries to make an argument because I won’t do things for him-he says we can still be nice to each other-I view it as him still using me to do the things that he should be doing for himself. I don’t argue I just say that I think he should do them for himself but it really gets me down when he just keeps saying stuff.

  35.  #35faubourg on September 15, 2010 at 12:20 pm

    Thank you Jason,

    i am very much in a masculine energy i know even though at first sight i am not at all, not mean i am very feminine and barbie like

    I think i do not know how to be in a feminine energy with men,

    maybe i am more with women who are in a masculine energy! (oh my god i just realize that)

    oh my god what am going to do!! 🙂

    it is not that funny but it is funny weird i must say for me to realize that

  36.  #36tinque on September 15, 2010 at 12:23 pm

    You CAN change this faubourg, baby step by baby step. Many of the women here were strongly in their masculine energy too at one time, and they changed this, little bit by little bit. It IS possible.

  37.  #37faubourg on September 15, 2010 at 12:24 pm

    but just being is like death for me,

    i am sure (my brain thinks) nothing will happen and i hate that, i feel i have handcuffs on my hands and i cannot move (….) it s like i cannot breath anymore if i don’t DO things

  38.  #38faubourg on September 15, 2010 at 12:28 pm

    tinque thanks, i like your name or nickname tinque, it sounds cute,

    i don’t know what the first baby i can do, (oh i am still into doing things)

    sit on a chair and wait, with lipstick on and a dress, oh my god! :-))) this is a nightmare for me

    i realize how hard it is for me by answering to you guys, i was thinking what a nice idea to be in my feminine energy, but in facts i hate it, but i am craving for it (very true Jason)

    well you live you learn, i will learn,

  39.  #39Jason Miller on September 15, 2010 at 12:30 pm

    33: faubourg

    Very good realization! This is what my focus is when I coach women. When you rely on your masculine energy around men you are attracted to, it is likely happening as a coping strategy that you’re not aware of. You feel the stress or anxiety because you like him and subconsciously you go to your masculine energy BECAUSE that has worked for you in other stressful situations in the past. The key is to resolve that old fear and old story around this subconscious motivation so you can learn to FEEL your feminine energy and radiate it. Then a man in his masculine energy will be naturally attracted to you and bond with you more easily.

  40.  #40tinque on September 15, 2010 at 12:32 pm

    It’s not in the doing faubourg, it’s in the feeling. Learning how to quiet your mind, sinking as far into your body and your feelings as you can.
    It’s being aware of the tiniest sensations on your skin for example, allowing these sensations to permeate you and make you feel even more, more deeply.
    It’s feeling what you hear, feeling what you see, feeling what you taste. It’s learning how to be SO in your body, your thoughts are like after thoughts.

  41.  #41Brenda on September 15, 2010 at 12:33 pm


    Thank you! Unfortunately, I don’t have many local friends, and the ones I do have are pretty much disabled and/or elderly. I’ll get there. Just need to keep doing a little each day.

    Cute what you said about salad and pie. 🙂

    Jason, that really aligned with me about being in my feminine. Except for me, I AM so much in my feminine I don’t want to DO anything! LOL! But I think the more I give compassion to my feminine being, the less I’ll be fighting my masculine need to DO. Sorta like being out in the ocean with an undertow. You don’t swim straight in to shore, because the current’s too strong. You swim at a diagonal, and it takes longer, but you eventually get back to shore.

    I think I supposed to have been born into a rich family. My lifestyle of survival doesn’t fit my personality! LOL! 🙂

  42.  #42faubourg on September 15, 2010 at 12:34 pm

    you’re welcome Brenda 😉

  43.  #43Brenda on September 15, 2010 at 12:34 pm


    RE: #38 – Oh, that’s rich! That’s femininity all wrapped up! With a pretty pink bow!

  44.  #44Brenda on September 15, 2010 at 12:35 pm

    I feel sheltered here on Siren Island. I don’t want to go on dating sites. I feel vulnerable there. I want to hide. I want to already be in love and already with the man of my dreams.

  45.  #45Daria on September 15, 2010 at 12:38 pm

    faubourg – about listening to the world at level II.

    I have been practicing listening to people, esp men at level II, and i love how mysterious, and deep it feels.

    So off a comment Rori made about listening to the world at level II – this is actually listening at level III i think she called it a long time before

    i “listen” to the sounds and take in the experience of the world around me as if i were listening to a person.

    it feels very calming and i feel powerful and quiet and deep

    totally bypasses any anxiety, or trying to do soimething else than what is going on at the present

  46.  #46Brenda on September 15, 2010 at 12:39 pm

    In my experience, a lot of men think just because I am overweight, I am desperate for sex. Then when I say no to sex, they seem angry or at least withdrawn. Maybe it galls them to feel rejected by a plus size woman. I wish my body matched the way I feel inside. I feel priceless. I don’t want low level men to try to cheapen me because I’m overweight.

    It is not a good feeling to meet men when I’m overweight. I want to be athletic and shapely again like I was in the 90s.

  47.  #47Jason Miller on September 15, 2010 at 12:41 pm

    39: Brenda says:

    “Jason, that really aligned with me about being in my feminine. Except for me, I AM so much in my feminine I don’t want to DO anything! LOL! But I think the more I give compassion to my feminine being, the less I’ll be fighting my masculine need to DO.”

    And now you have seen the other side of the equation. When it comes to dating/courtship, a woman benefits from being in her feminine. But when it comes to reaching a goal, planning, and getting things done, her masculine energy is called for. It’s business or project energy. It’s focused leadership with a clear objective. Those kinds of things.

    I think we all need the point driven home that men and women both can express feminine and masculine energy at different times. The key is to choose consciously which energy you want to express and in which context. What prevents us from doing that are the unconscious blocks and coping mechanisms that OBLIGATE us to use masculine energy at a time when it’s not useful or vice versa.

  48.  #48Brenda on September 15, 2010 at 12:41 pm

    Daria, I like that about listening. I have been listening like that lately, too.

    When I go around in a mad rush, it is a kind of insanity. When I listen, the world makes sense, and I feel centered and purposeful.

    I want sex, but I want it with a man I am in love with.

  49.  #49AmberS on September 15, 2010 at 12:44 pm

    Today’s Winner’s Circle Network with Lou Tice – 9/14/10 – “Tips for Change”

    Are you planning to make a change in yourself? If you are, I would like to share some tips on how to go about getting the best results.

    Maybe you want to lose weight, get into good physical shape, or quit smoking. Maybe you’d like to learn to do something new, or do something you already do better. Maybe you want to work on your anger, like we talked about yesterday. Whatever it is you want to do, there are three things we now know about self-directed change that can help you.

    First, set goals that aren’t too big, too difficult, or too distant. Your long-term goal may be to lose 50 pounds by next summer, but a better goal might be to lose 5 to 10 this month. Next, carefully monitor yourself so you always know how you’re doing. Record your weight daily. Keep track of everything you eat and what you do to burn calories. Like my consultant friends keep saying, “What gets measured, gets done.”

    By the way, don’t waste energy beating yourself up when you slip or fail. It turns out the kind of feedback that works is the kind that emphasizes what you are doing right, not how you blew it.

    Finally, reward yourself for reaching minor goals and give yourself meaningful incentives to keep going. Short-term goals, careful monitoring, and rewards and incentives are three things that help you to change.

    I would add one more thing, and it may be the most important of all: believe in your ability to achieve your goal. If you don’t believe you can lose five pounds in 30 days, you won’t put much energy into trying. So go ahead now. Get after those changes!

    Lou Tice – The Pacific Institute

  50.  #50faubourg on September 15, 2010 at 12:44 pm

    tinque, i don’t understand i think

    it is funny because i am a very sensitive person and i feel things, i am often told so actually

    but i feel things to analyze them i think right after,

    just feeling them, i can try that for a start,

  51.  #51Denise on September 15, 2010 at 12:44 pm

    Tinque is right I am a doer by personality type. Perhaps the key is to do more being activities, like yoga or meditation, something you like. Ultimately its up to each of us choose to try different things, often outside of our comfort zone. However the only way to grow is to do things differently and out of our comfort zone!

  52.  #52Brenda on September 15, 2010 at 12:45 pm

    Sometimes I imagine doing activities of daily living with my man by my side, doing it with me. It would be fun then.

    I can’t concentrate to do my work at my job today. I feel guilty. I am trying to feel thankful that God is providing for me when He knows I need comfort and healing and rest. I want to run my own business and do meaningful work so bad. I want to help people, something in human services. I need to get busy job hunting. One more big thing to DO on my DO list.

    I could enjoy just a week of the life of a celebrity. It would feel refreshing to spend a week getting massages, workouts, pedicures, manicures, and going out for lunch with friends and out for dinner with dates every night.

    Yes, I really need the shore this weekend. I might even stay at a hotel. Then I could bring my doggers. And just be in a mini-vacation and date myself and meet men.

  53.  #53Brenda on September 15, 2010 at 12:47 pm


    Thanks! Nice article!

  54.  #54Brenda on September 15, 2010 at 12:48 pm

    My Dad always encouraged me to expand my horizons. I like that. I want to travel.

  55.  #55Kath on September 15, 2010 at 12:50 pm

    I like the sound of that-going to the beach, dating yourself-having fun on your own. I have learned that I enjoy my own company and feel slightly resentful when other people (ie. men!) are invading my need to be private and alone. Even the guy used to have a horrible habit of walking straight into the bathroom when I was relaxing in the bath-made me feel angry and as though he was being a perve as he always made comments that I suppose were supposed to be taken in a good way but I didn’t-they just sounded sleazy and crinch making!

  56.  #56Brenda on September 15, 2010 at 12:55 pm

    I want to float in water for an hour and just let go of responsibility, worry, guilt, fear, and loneliness.

  57.  #57Brenda on September 15, 2010 at 12:57 pm

    I’m glad I have a chiropractor appointment tonight. That gives me an excuse to go home a bit early. I want to sleep. I feel tired. I feel cuddly. I want to cuddle. I need a hug.

  58.  #58Brenda on September 15, 2010 at 12:58 pm

    I want all my ideas, hopes, plans, dreams, and passions to come together and make a beautiful business plan.

  59.  #59Brenda on September 15, 2010 at 12:59 pm

    I think I have a pretty easy life but it still seems hard. If only I could afford a house cleaner. I hate cleaning. I wish candy bars and cheesecake were healthy foods.

  60.  #60Kath on September 15, 2010 at 12:59 pm

    I’d like a bit longer than a hour-an afternoon would be good-feeling that water all around me and complete silence-the sun on my skin-sounds like heaven!-instead I’m here having to put up with mind games from a man who is so full of shit that it makes me scream!- A man who just has no idea about personal space, compassion, feelings none of it and just keep telling me to “l;ighten up!”-ugh!!!

  61.  #61Nikita on September 15, 2010 at 1:10 pm


    This thread and jason’s comments bring a story to mind for me. Remember the sisters that Jesus went to visit. One spent her money and time on oil. The other was busy with preparations for the house and the meal….she was “working” for his love….working to be worthy, or in her “doing” energy (martha) the other was present with the Christ and anointed him – her sister scolded her for wasting money on the oil….but Jesus corrected her and reminded her that this moment would pass and then death would come and her sister was right to “prepare” Christ for death……and the time for doing and charity would be plentiful later……but now the time he was visiting in their home ; not so much.

  62.  #62Nikita on September 15, 2010 at 1:15 pm

    59: Nikita says:

    Your comment is awaiting moderation.
    Remember the sisters in the “good book” that JC visited – one sister was making preparations for the house and the meal….she was “working” for his love…(earning)?……..
    .working to be worthy, or in her “doing” energy (martha) the other was present with the Chr*st and anointed him – her sister scolded her for wasting money on the oil….but JC corrected her and reminded her that this moment would pass and then death would come and her sister was right to “prepare” Ch*st for death……and the time for doing and charity would be plentiful later……but now the time he was visiting in their home ; not so much.

    Wednesday, 15 September 2010 @ 1:10pm

  63.  #63Nikita on September 15, 2010 at 1:16 pm

    The story comes to mind when I ponder women in masculine or feminine energy- how we can avoid intimacy by “doing” and “earning” instead of surrendering, accepting, and being.

  64.  #64Rori Raye on September 15, 2010 at 2:12 pm

    Jane – are you exclusive with him? If you’re at all concerned that he’s not sure he wants to be with you forever — instead of worrying, don’t be exclusive. Sounds harsh – but circular Dating is the cure for nearly everything. Love, Rori

  65.  #65Rori Raye on September 15, 2010 at 2:15 pm

    Daisy – Welcome, and scripting is an art – first you have to find your feelings in the moment – because if you let this become about ‘What I SHOULD say,” and “strategy” – it’s all wrong. Find your feelings, express your feelings….wanting to hold onto a conversation and keep it going is about fear and anxiety – that’s NOT authentic. Use your intuition to notice when he’s had enough, when HE’S drifting away – and instead of keeping it going, gracefully ge tired or busy – whatever’s TRUE. When you’re first dating someone – if his tendency is to talk on the phone more than SEE you – say soemthing around that, and cut the calls short. Basically – you should be too BUSY Circular Dating to talk on the phone more than 15 minutes!!! Love, Rori

  66.  #66BarbinOz on September 15, 2010 at 2:43 pm

    #50 and 51

    Yes I am a doer too by nature, (Gemini sun/Scorpio moon :D)

    I too am sensitive Fauborg and can cry at the drop of a hat, but I don’t really UNDERSTAND what all this stuff about feelings means, I understand about being and melting a little bit I think?? And Denise I have done the yoga/meditation thing but I find it EXTREMELY difficult as my brain never stops with the incessant chatter, I think that’s the Gemini side of me, quick, quick, quick, do, do, do, now, now, now……….. plus I am one of those people who likes to respond quickly with a reply, I am going to find it WAY difficult to sit and be and melt whenever I get around to having a date……….soon I hope 🙂

  67.  #67BarbinOz on September 15, 2010 at 2:46 pm

    Brenda, Why don’t you try just cleaning up a bit of your messy house each day, say 1 to 2 hours of doing what needs doing moving on from one room as you finish it to the next.

    Switch your computer OFF! Yes even pull the plug out of the wall so it has no power, so you can’t even come for a little peek at Siren Island or any other sites.

    Then when you have done your hour or so of housework, you get your reward to yourself, switch your computer on and swim out to Siren Island 😀

  68.  #68AmberS on September 15, 2010 at 2:52 pm

    OK- Just how many Scorpio moons are there here?

    I wonder if that’s why some voices just feel so familiar to me. Curiouser and curiouser…

    Nikita- Would you care to enlighten us? Awwww…. c’mon… just try it once (wink)

    I sound like a BAD INFLUENCE.

  69.  #69Turtle Girl on September 15, 2010 at 3:01 pm


    Scorpio moon here.

    It’s prolly why I desire such an intense spiritual lover in the sack……….oh well……..can’t help it… just is and what is-is.

  70.  #70faubourg on September 15, 2010 at 3:05 pm

    i am a scorpio too, born in november if that’s your question

  71.  #71BarbinOz on September 15, 2010 at 3:06 pm

    #69 Me too Turtle Girl,

    Wishy washy nerdy type men are a real turn off for me, I want PASSION and EXCITEMENT and MIND BLOWING ORGASMS 😀

  72.  #72Turtle Girl on September 15, 2010 at 3:09 pm

    Re#19—been there done that am still there sometimes today.

    My feeling about life is that I have so many interests, so many things I want to do before the lights go out is that I need ten or twenty lifetimes to do everything I desire. *sigh* What to do? Obviously I have only one.

    I recognize that it won’t all get done-darn! Ok what gives me the most pleasure?

    I like music, film, gardening, languages, many things but I dig in the dirt a LOT and the dished don’t get done and I don’t care!!!!

    The whole “super woman” thing is BS. Life is short and as we get older I find for me it is a process of figuring out what holds the MOST value and satisfaction for me? That is what I do. It is being “to thine own self be true”. The rest I have to let go, few things are that darn important and at the end of my life I want to look back and have no regrets. At 90 I want to say “Wow what a ride!” I live and loved well.

    NOT-I wish I had done that or I regret not doing that.
    That feels wistful and hollow to me. I don’t want that. Your thoughts?

    I am an artist for a living and I do that because I love doing it, but even that gets boring sometimes, so I do something else.

    What am I responsible for that needs doing? Walking my dogs and caring for them is a responsible loving action, so I try and walk where I like and make a game of it. Hopefully the sun is out and it feels good.

  73.  #73Turtle Girl on September 15, 2010 at 3:12 pm

    OK tooooooooo funny I just realized my comment about intense lovers was a number sixty nine post…..yikes!!! a little sexual coink-ee-dink!!! I am such a dork…….

    Barbin Oz-#71-right on girl—-agree agree—and BTW I am in my late fifties! Still as horny as ever-even more so……love that stuff in the sack baby…….

  74.  #74tinque on September 15, 2010 at 3:14 pm

    Turtle Girl – Just an interesting tid bit I discovered a few weeks ago. A dork is actually a whale penis. Just thought you’d want to know.

  75.  #75Turtle Girl on September 15, 2010 at 3:17 pm


    OMG!!!!!!!! Hilarious—ROFLMAO!!!!

    And an Oosik is a walrus penis…..just for your edification and enlightenment…..There is a poem called Ode to an Oosik about a satisfied walrus cow..

    I am still laughing…..OMG…..too funny…xxoo

  76.  #76Nikita on September 15, 2010 at 3:19 pm


    Your moon sign can give the sense of knowing without knowing how you know. Being able to decipher what appears to be hidden. Or basically reading a form of braille ……if that makes sense.

  77.  #77tinque on September 15, 2010 at 3:20 pm

    So if a walrus and a whale mate (just go with me here) would a male offspring then have a doosik?

  78.  #78Nikita on September 15, 2010 at 3:21 pm

    But the moon is our emotional self….the receptivity – emotional perceptions…..yadayadayada

  79.  #79Turtle Girl on September 15, 2010 at 3:23 pm

    Ode to an Oosik

    Strange things have been done in the Midnight Sun
    and the story books are full
    But the strangest tale concerns the male,
    magnificent walrus bull!

    I know it’s rude, quite common and crude,
    Perhaps it is grossly unkind;
    But with first glance at least, this bewhiskered beast,
    is as ugly in front as behind.

    Look once again, take a second look — then
    you’ll see he’s not ugly or vile
    There’s a hint of a grin in that blubbery chin
    and the eyes have a sly, secret smile.

    How can this be, this clandestine glee,
    that extrudes from the walrus like music?
    He knows, there inside, beneath blubber and hide
    lies a splendid contrivance — the Oosik!

    “Oosik?” you say — and quite well you may,
    I’ll explain if you keep it between us;
    In the simplest truth, though rather uncouth,
    Oosik is, in fact, his penis!

    Now the size alone of this walrus bone
    would indeed arouse envious thinking —
    It is also a fact, documented and backed,
    there is never a softening or shrinking!

    This, then, is why the smile is so sly,
    the walrus is rightfully proud,
    though the climate is frigid, the walrus is rigid,
    Pray, why is not man so endowed?

    Added to this is a smile you might miss,
    (though the bull is entitled to bow)
    The one to out-smile our bull by a mile
    is the satisfied walrus cow!

    – author unknown

    xxoo lol………

  80.  #80tinque on September 15, 2010 at 3:23 pm

    Nikita – So may I ask you about an Aries with an Aquarian Moon? Mostly all fire and air, not a single earth planet, Venus in Pisces.

  81.  #81Jason Miller on September 15, 2010 at 3:35 pm

    66: BarbinOz

    Your mind never stopping with constant thoughts is something we all have in common. It is a human condition. Practicing meditation works to train your mind to quiet down so that it gets easier over time to feel your body and emotions and be present in any situation. It’s a grounded state that might be foreign to you.

    If you need a leg up, have you tried any binaural meditation products like Holosync? Those work pretty well for jumpstarting the process of quieting your mind down. I like these guys:

  82.  #82Lucy on September 15, 2010 at 3:58 pm

    Love what you wrote in 32, Jason! That’s exactly the place I am in right now — being in my feminine.

  83.  #83Lucy on September 15, 2010 at 4:01 pm

    “Many of the women here were strongly in their masculine energy too at one time, and they changed this, little bit by little bit. It IS possible.” (Tinque)

    So true! Definitely true of me. It’s a little scary, but ultimately feels really good.

  84.  #84BarbinOz on September 15, 2010 at 4:05 pm

    Thanks Jason, I will check that out – tried MANY things over the years and am always open to new teachings 😀 I do believe the Gemini mind is one of the worst chatterers though well at least mine is a shocker!!

    Lucy #83

    Do you have any ideas of how to get into this feminine energy in everyday life when you don’t have a man to practise on? The only men I really come into contact with are work colleagues and I can only imagine how they would trample all over me if I wasn’t able to be my masculine energy in the workplace……….or am I doing that all wrong too?

    Thank you

  85.  #85tinque on September 15, 2010 at 4:06 pm

    YAY Lucy…

  86.  #86Lucy on September 15, 2010 at 4:09 pm

    Oh, Nikita! It feels wonderful — wide-eyed wonder — reading your story of Mary and Martha in this context!

    And, “The story comes to mind when I ponder women in masculine or feminine energy- how we can avoid intimacy by “doing” and “earning” instead of surrendering, accepting, and being.”

    Thank you for these beautiful insights. <3

  87.  #87Lucy on September 15, 2010 at 4:11 pm

    Amber, don’t know much about astrology …. but I am a gemini. How do I find out my moon?

  88.  #88Lucy on September 15, 2010 at 4:16 pm

    Brenda — Daria’s #45, listening to the world — that is how I am accomplishing the tasks I need to do, while staying mostly in my feminine.

    I listen to the world, and it tells me what is needed right now (e.g., prune the rose bush, make that phone call), and because I am being receptive and open to the world, I feel pleasure and joy carrying out these tasks in a feminine, spiritual way.

    I think Daria mentioned having a similar experience with washing dishes (??)


  89.  #89Vulpine on September 15, 2010 at 4:48 pm

    Brenda, I am an ultra girly girl too and also suffer from lack of gumption. Wouldn’t life be easier if we could just recline on a divan somewhere and just BE? Something that really helped me make cleaning more manageable is the Fly Lady website. You basically set a timer for 15 minutes and do your cleaning or task or whatever just in little 15 minute increments. It really has helped me!

    As for me, I am feeling very weird today. I HAD been sailing along confidently but then in the last few days something went out of whack for me and I feel something inside me faltering.

  90.  #90Jlina on September 15, 2010 at 4:52 pm

    Hi, Vulpine….flylady is like sooo into it – in one audio her voice cracks because she wants us to realize how good it is to live in a clean house. It’s very cool – and I definitely use swish and swipe no in bathroom – I hated putting those toilet cleaners in there.

    What feel weird? If you wanna expound on it….I’m off for awhile but will check in later.


  91.  #91Jlina on September 15, 2010 at 4:54 pm

    Turtle girl…love the poem…and walrus word plays???

    @ all – moon signs control your EMOTIONAL selves….check it out easy and quickly and cheaply with great charts at

    Brenda – loving “your” thread….this is your song…..


  92.  #92Lucy on September 15, 2010 at 5:27 pm

    Very interesting! I found out my moon sign is Gemini, same as my sun sign — and the description is apt:


    Gemini Degree: 3° 53′
    People with the Moon in the same degree
    Communicative, easily adaptable, agile, curious and changeable. Likes to read and meet new people, hates doing same stuff for ages.

    The Moon in Gemini gives an urge towards making changes and an unconscious need for communication.

    Any life situation these people are in, they consider it to be a topic for a future story, and because of it they notice a lot of details which other people would never see. [This part is so so true!!! Makes me laugh that it fits me so well!]

  93.  #93Denise on September 15, 2010 at 5:32 pm

    #66 @barbinoz

    Haha! I hear you…

    Meditation is NOT easy, I have tried it in the past and failed miserably. I think I’m at the point in life that I would like to try again.

    At the very least, I want to get back to yoga with an excellent instructor I went to a few years ago.

    Just like anything in life :), we’re not proficient the first time we try it. It takes time, energy, practice and focus. This applies to yoga too. It took me time to learn how to quiet my mind and to really relax. A really great instructor is crucial to this–someone with a soft voice, someone who is ‘flowy’, has calming language. I prefer a more challenging physical part of yoga combined with language during the class, then relaxation at the end of the class (in the corpse pose!) that calls me to focus on myself, non competition, the time I’m in the class, my immediate surroundings, putting aside the happenings of the day to just enjoy the time. There is a state you can go to where you’re halfway between being asleep and awake and it is an INCREDIBLE place to be.

    Yoga can be ADDICTING!

  94.  #94Lucy on September 15, 2010 at 5:45 pm

    Hi Barb. “Do you have any ideas of how to get into this feminine energy in everyday life when you don’t have a man to practise on?”

    Here are some of the steps I took:

    1. I dated tons of men I wasn’t interested in as a mate (including a 25 year old!) just to practice Rori’s feminine tools.

    2. In the store, walking in the park, etc. I did/do the tool where you make eye contact with a man and don’t say anything — wait for him to say “hi” first, and then respond. This was scary at first, but now it’s kinda fun — like a game — especially when walking in the park — it is amazing how most men actually notice and feel drawn to say hi!

    3. I practiced feeling messages with my kids, my ex-h, and ON THIS BLOG — over and over on the blog — lots of great practice — and that has very much helped me become more at home in my feminine aspect.

    4. “Whenever you see love coming, welcome it with open arms and let it enter into you. People will ask, ‘Are you in love?’ You will say, ‘No, love is in me.'” (unknown) I practiced opening my heart and genuinely receiving love — from any source, in any magnitude — a compliment, a smile, a helping hand, a door held open, a dog’s tail wagging, beautiful weather, a listening ear, a “like” on facebook, etc. Just receiving it all with openness and gratitude, in a feminine, leaned back way.

    If I think of more, I’ll let you know! Hope this helps!


  95.  #95Lucy on September 15, 2010 at 5:48 pm

    Denise, yes! Lol. “There is a state you can go to where you’re halfway between being asleep and awake and it is an INCREDIBLE place to be.”

    That is my absolute favorite place to be!!!!

  96.  #96Nikita on September 15, 2010 at 5:57 pm


    Aries sun, chivalrous-maybe if a male. Aries is ruled by mars-our god of war 🙂 moon in Aquarius mmmm touchy for me-a man I dated who had an unhealthy relationship with pornography -renders me biased, but for a woman…. Maybe a coolness and detachment from the intense Arian fire… But Aquarius being a fixed sign….who knows they may lock onto something….. With a long leash…. Venus in Pisces ….would have to be a romantic… Fluffy….dreamy…. Ethereal… But beware of escapism or make-believe…. These things all change depending on house location….but the Venus is in water….so feeling is important…. Spirituality higher learning..

    There are shadow sides to all of the energies/elements/planets….some say in a man’s chart he may project his Venus ….so this man would desire a soft gentle feminine woman…. If it’s a woman…. This Venus placement could be used as a way to court her….what attracts her to a man…her love style..on one hand their could be much transformation….or illusion….these all depend on so many factors…and I haven’t been all that into astrology the last two years….I feel a little out of my depth not seeing the whole picture.
    I will say I’ve met two Aries female cats and omg they were soooooo affectionate….not your usual cat who is aloof….the Aries cats just purr and purr when you pet them. It is almost impossible to get them off once you start them up. The head. Scalp, nape of neck….area would be a big erogenous zone…but Pisces rules the feet…so a foot rub could be in order as well 🙂

  97.  #97Apple Jacks on September 15, 2010 at 6:00 pm

    All this talk about signs…if someone does not identify with their sign barely at all, is that weird? I just feel curious. Can anyone help me out with this? Thanks.

  98.  #98Nikita on September 15, 2010 at 6:02 pm


    A moon in Gemini is remarkably good and adept at analyzing their feelings… No time to feel them really; who cares they’ll just change anyway….the juice is why, how, what, when, where, and what could be next…or maybe I should go back over there….oh wait…what’s that ? 😉
    A certain objectivity is present in the emotional receptors….but beware of spinning your wheels to the point of burnout- and yet a lot of the turn on is communication, information, and assimilation of the information….if a feeling was a sticky note…. A bevy of sticky notes would cover the fridge…. Moved around like solitaire 🙂

  99.  #99Nikita on September 15, 2010 at 6:04 pm

    Mental stimulation is the turn-on.It’s all about(not ALL)the dance….and variations on it….

  100.  #100Daria on September 15, 2010 at 6:05 pm

    Apple Jacks, I thought my sine was limited and i decided not to believe it. still some trigger


    i kno a fair hand of astrology nonetheless

    i feel like im ust rule the world like brain

    it feels limiting and i feel angry at it

    the treasure in the anger shall be revealed to me

    i am cocreator of my triz trix stars

    i make my birth chart move and sway

    and turn back time and swirl it in a couple knots with pretty bows

    and snag the web of universal light threads that it weaves with other times and other s

    i take what is beautiful

    leave the rest

    so that it can rot

    and burst beautiful strawberry fruit

    out of brown dark fragrant mud

  101.  #101Isa on September 15, 2010 at 6:11 pm


  102.  #102Daria on September 15, 2010 at 6:15 pm

    OMG. I had a mindblowing mindheartshifting conversation in my head wiht my ex, the number one,


    and i realized how much he is turned on, by me being in the feminine, and how he cant resist a woman in the feminine

    and how this dance is something he is naturally good at

    and how he would be so attracted to me at all times i was in my feminine with him

    and how i so naturally was able to talk to him in it now

    i’ve recovered . my self esteem. of thinking hes better than me. he never wanted to be better than me. he couldnt help not being attracted to me when i was PUSHING HIM AWAY by PUTTING MYSELF DOWN!!! and not being able to be in my feminine and know that i deserve everything


    i just love this:

    Try This on a Date Ladies

    as you sit, by him across from him. get in dance position. spine is a rose stem. melt. arms open, palms facing forward at your sides. breathe.

    my tummy feels open vulnerable and that feels uncomfortable at first.

    thats ok



    theres a lil heartlight in your heart

    and everyone can see it, as if your body is transparent. you may even be able to “see” other’s heartlight, it doesnt matter.

    it doesnt matter if others are looking see your heartlight, or not. you know its there , and its assumed that everyone can see it

    (This can lead to some cool states of noticing how every human’s hearts are connected when they are around each other, and our pulses, and stuff mingle and greet each other)


    expand vagina sideways

    soften your jaw


    rub your fingers together, slowly, sensually, to feel the texture – smooth – a lil touch — this should be the main sensation … like mint.

    this is the feeling of deep attractiveness, and heaven


    try your own tools to relax, create, imagine beauty

    and share freely

    hearTlight is on

    is transforming my day to day life, from anxiety to deep “connection” deep soaking in the divine the humanity, nature and life river

  103.  #103Nikita on September 15, 2010 at 6:15 pm

    And everyone—-
    Astro dot com is a great place to start for a comprehensive free chart. Then I really like sasstrology. Some of it is biased and one sided but the Venus / mars compatibility match ups are some of the best I’ve seen. I have a very quirky Venus / mars combination and they captured it nicely. Fern has a series of articles in the works. It’s not unabridged yet but…. Venus in Pisces is there:)
    Cafe astrology has a few decent Venus descriptions as well. But remember planets are always progressing and so are we….Venus was in Scorpio as of the 8th of September ….that affects the climate for everyone…and my Venus is in cancer from birth however…my love style has changed and morphed as Venus makes her way through the entire chart….when my Venus moved into Leo…I felt too flirty and not my usual self….I just wanted to be free, independent, and romance the whole world…. Not in a hook up way but in a self realization way…I was falling in love with myself…and the sun 🙂 so it is possible to not identify at some time or another because it’s always changing. . . And that is the rabbit hole!

  104.  #104Jlina on September 15, 2010 at 6:22 pm

    Thank you Nikita!! I love the visual diagrams of a chart they’re doing these days and AJacks, I know I never really wanted to be a goat – ha! with a midwinter birthday, either. heee…..

  105.  #105Jlina on September 15, 2010 at 6:23 pm

    DARIA!!! You are a BEAUTIFUL LIGHT….and the visual is so right on for me, because there is a Kwan Yin statue at a place outside of town by the renaissance festiveal, and if you just look at her she’s got a light on her heart….(there’s actually a physical light in her hands there) but it was always great, but now that I’ve read that it’s even better!! A heart light….sometimes you poeticness just blows me away. Very insightful and inspiring!!! Thank you!

  106.  #106Lucy on September 15, 2010 at 6:26 pm

    Thanks, Nikita! It fits, absolutely, but I have been learning to actually FEEL my feelings (thanks to TN man, Michael Brown, and Rori) — and getting very good at it. 🙂


  107.  #107tinque on September 15, 2010 at 6:39 pm

    Thank you so much Nikita – This is my chart, as much fire and air, grand trines for them both with my odd over there by itself Venus in Pisces.
    I have a kite there too.
    Thank you again

  108.  #108Denise on September 15, 2010 at 6:54 pm

    94 @Lucy

    Thank you! I am going to save those instructions as reminders to practice practice practice. I am really burnt out on dating right now and want to avoid it, so that can easily take me out of using some of these suggestions off the table. This post will remind me to still be open and to practice even if I dint want to actually go out with anyone

  109.  #109Jennifer on September 15, 2010 at 6:57 pm

    Hi Jason.
    Yes, he was taking care of me. It freaks me out. I’m not used to it, I WANT to be used to it, but it’s still baby steps.
    Part of it is that he and I have a bit of a history. He invited me to be part of a photo book he is doing entitled the vulva 101 project.
    I declined based on the premis that if I got naked in front of him, I would want to sleep with him. I also told him I could not be casual about sleeping with him cause I have a huge crush on him.
    He then replied that he really respected my honesty but is non romantic poly amorous. Therefore he does not “do” relationships.
    This is a little dissapointing to me but I respect the honesty.
    The issue is in part that he now seems to want to touch me allllll the time when it’s not necessary for instruction which I find un nerving.
    So A) I’m not used to men taking care of me….my ex certainly did not seem to have inclinations in that directon and
    B) My hormones are through the roof.
    It’s a bit of a rollercoaster emotionally.

  110.  #110Denise on September 15, 2010 at 6:59 pm

    Nikita, you are providing a lot if great into. I don’t have a full grasp of astrology, there is so much to learn ! I have been learning Tarot cards, trying to work the right side of my brain and enhancing my intuitiveness.

    I have recently learned about Saturn and the planet’s cycles in regard to success in love and career. What do you think about that concept?

  111.  #111Denise on September 15, 2010 at 7:01 pm


    Wow sounds like a good place for a man to be!! Non romantic poly amorous

  112.  #112Denise on September 15, 2010 at 7:02 pm

    I like astologyzone too

  113.  #113Lucy on September 15, 2010 at 7:04 pm

    “non romantic poly amorous”

    Is that a euphemism for player?

    Good one!

  114.  #114Jennifer on September 15, 2010 at 7:05 pm

    Yes it is fairly convienient. He started out saying his heart had been broken so many times the pieces dont’ fit back together so he compartmentalized his feelings….bla bla bla.
    It all sounds like fear based behaviour to me.
    If I learned ONE thing from my ex…it’s to listen to a man when he tells you who he is THE FIRST TIME.
    Judo man says he doesn’t do relationships? Ok, I believe him.
    And therefore proceed as though he were my buddy and judo instructor…..then he starts touching me all the time and throwing the full body hugs on me…and I can’t even use him to practice cause when he does it I get so tense I nearly crack.

  115.  #115Lucy on September 15, 2010 at 7:06 pm

    Denise, you’re welcome! 🙂

  116.  #116Denise on September 15, 2010 at 7:32 pm

    ‘it’s to listen to a man when he tells you who he is THE FIRST TIME.’


    THAT is geat advice!

  117.  #117Apple Jacks on September 15, 2010 at 7:42 pm


    thank you for that. I agree it feels VERY limiting and I actually feel triggered reading about the Leo sign. I don’t identify with the whole of what it’s saying at all.

    I feel mad and unvalidated. *Hmpf*

    My ears feel hot.

  118.  #118Lizzie on September 15, 2010 at 7:47 pm

    I want to send the following note to Family Guy –
    tell me what you think….

    Hi I hope this note finds you well, happy and rested after a fabulous summer. I thought to drop you a note as I have decided to suspend dating for a while. I have a lot on my plate right now and am feeling considerable pressure. Meeting you and being with you has been an absolute joy and I would feel incredibly happy to spend more time with you – it just doesn’t seem fair for you. Maybe I will re-surface in a few months – who knows! I wish you the best.

  119.  #119Nikita on September 15, 2010 at 7:52 pm


    I think Saturn is the worst!!!! My Saturn return kicked my ass 🙁

    It did teach me how to do a lot with very little but my Saturn hit me in the pocketbook and I felt demoralized. I didn’t know how emotionally connected I was to money. I took it for granted. But my Saturn is in the tenth house so it’s a career thing…and it hurt. It also makes me a late bloomer….which stings……since I was “ahead of my class”, but as an adult I feel left behind…. All Saturn returns are different. Not sure where you’re at but I got a cute book written by two ladies….I think it was called “surviving Saturn”. . .? But it was written for women by women and very easy as well as fun to read.
    I used to read Tarot and I have studied numerology – I guess that’s all occult stuff? But after all of that I much more enjoy the “less is more” way of doing things….. Tarot felt exhausting….numerology was all encompassing….and astrology is …… Well it’s fun but it takes a real zen jedi mind to still fully create reality without prejudice of some sort. And so much info is like disinformation…….
    I will say LindaGoodman is a favorite. I’m pretty sure she’s the author of the first astrology book I found as a child….it’s old yellowed pages….very worn spine ….. She has one for lovers….. If you see it in a bookstore it’s fascinating. Some of the others are just judgey unfair crap! And super limited.
    Every sign has a dark side…an un-evolved self…..some astrologers seem to get stuck there. But then there are others that act almost as a guide to help us blossom into who we really want to be…or hope we can be….it’s uplifting. Linda is simple and such a talented writer. I also studied a bit of Chinese astrology and once we get into all of those combinations it can just be reduced to mental masturbation.
    But! If we dance with Saturn and learn the moves and listen to the music he will lay a most solid foundation built by us brick by solid brick…..but I’m still a little bitter about my experience lol!

  120.  #120Nikita on September 15, 2010 at 7:53 pm


    I think no.

  121.  #121Nikita on September 15, 2010 at 7:54 pm

    I like astrology zone but I don’t love it anymore. But given the opportunity I’d feel thrilled to meet Susan

  122.  #122Lizzie on September 15, 2010 at 8:03 pm

    Nikita – NO? interesting – I wonder if my day has walked me down the road of destruction…

    Once I posted the note – I felt overwhelming sadness

    I was doing work for an organization that provided services to women living with HIV. We had to close the org. for a variety of reasons. For today, several of us organized a “wake” for the org. about 60 HIV women showed up and we did a stone circle. In a stone circle, each person takes a stone from the basket and says what being a part of the organization meant to them. They then pass the basket to the next person, and place the stone into a basket coming behind them. At the end of the day, we take the basket of cast-closed stones and cast them into the lake – returning them to nature to be born again. There was HUGE emotion in the room and on many occasions my heart was moved close to tears. Maybe by “closing” the relationship with Family Guy, I am choosing him as an innocent, to cast away all the pain and sadness I absorbed today….

  123.  #123Nikita on September 15, 2010 at 8:07 pm

    Apple Jacks,

    I really feel you on the disgruntled Leo thing…. Maybe you’re in the 2nd decan? Or on a cusp? The 2nd deacon would be the very middle of the sign and is ruled by Jupiter which could give a more introspective feeling…or it could be your ascendant sign filtering your experience. I sometimes feel alienated from my sun sign….But I’m with you; astrology is limiting and I refer back to Abraham hicks on that….. It is sometimes very on however to fully be co-creating with the universe it is desirable to be liberated from any labels or types. I think there’s a you tube of them answering a question about astrology

  124.  #124Jacqueline on September 15, 2010 at 8:18 pm

    Lizzie – I am signing off, but wow, that was a heavy literally and emotionally burden and wake. Family guy will take it however he takes it – I liked it and hope it makes a “space” somehow for someone to step in and fill. And I hope you don’t feel alone tonite; I know you threw the rocks into the river, but I feel like your spirit loves fire! Ever heard of a meditation/clearing thing called the violet flame? If you use it – or if I can find it, it burns away all things negative, but you have to remember to put it out! it’s powerful….

    and so are you, even though you’ve been like emotionally battered all over this week, huh?

    Maybe it’s fall….the seasons change?

    take care of yourself!


  125.  #125Nikita on September 15, 2010 at 8:19 pm


    Wow, heavy day sweetheart…..I dunno what the rationale is but it sounds like it’s time for you go into your cocoon and be gentle with yourself. I almost wouldn’t be surprised if he surfaces and inquires about how you’re doing…..maybe feeling/tuning into your grief-I’m not betting on it. I just wouldn’t be surprised…..something about the way water transmits waves 🙂

    This is where I’d remind you Pluto and mars co-rule Scorpio and that means death is going to be a feature in your experience-probably in a more powerful way than another. That being said; healing and transformation is also in scorpio’s dept. This is just another transformation and these things tend to take place in the dark… could also be reverberating from Venus being in your sign. I’d try the mantra; “do no harm”…… Just for today, to baby step your way through this….and maybe have a good cry.
    Scorpions would rather sting themselves than forego the pleasure of stinging….this could be one of those moments….when really you just want to be felt.

  126.  #126Nikita on September 15, 2010 at 8:24 pm


    Thanks! I was going to suggest Lizzie light a candle and maybe do a bath but the candle is what I kept seeing…but I felt afraid to encourage that because my scorp gf’s apt. Burned down! And I think it was an unattended candle…it was a few years ago but wow! It’s still affecting the way I’m communicating…so thanks for stepping out about the fire!, and suggesting that.

  127.  #127Jacqueline on September 15, 2010 at 8:25 pm

    oh yeah, it’s all around on the net – check this out remember!!

    anyone who uses it, blow it out!! or snuff it, do not leave it burning! not sure why but my teacher was adamant about it….

    gifts to you all….

  128.  #128Jacqueline on September 15, 2010 at 8:27 pm

    Nikita – wow, and here I was writing BLOW IT OUT???!!!

    would love it if you’d email me and tell me more about my astrological self –, but even if you don’t thanks for all the insights!


  129.  #129Lizzie on September 15, 2010 at 8:37 pm

    Thank you Nikita and Jacqueline – I will lite a candle and read a bit – good night. I will not self destruct and thank you for encouraging me to do no harm. I need to sit with all that emotional energy – you are so right. thank you for being there.

  130.  #130Daisy on September 15, 2010 at 8:41 pm

    Thanks jaqueline! I feel happy you like the heart light. It’s a tool of rori s. I think it’s in modern siren or in an e letter.

  131.  #131Daisy on September 15, 2010 at 8:43 pm

    Lol. Oops daisy is daria haha. Blush.

  132.  #132Lucy on September 15, 2010 at 8:48 pm

    Daria, lol! That’s why I didn’t bother to try posting with a different name — I knew I would give it away anyway! lol. You are so cute!

  133.  #133Lucy on September 15, 2010 at 8:52 pm

    I’m not sure what I believe about astrology. Lots of times the “horoscope” thing is completely off. I used to read mine all the time as a kid, hiding the newspaper in my bedroom, because we weren’t allowed to read stuff like that.

  134.  #134Apple Jacks on September 15, 2010 at 10:03 pm


    I feel grateful for you feeling my disgruntledness. I don’t know what 2nd decan or anything like that is. I was born July 31st, 1977 at 11:57 pm three minutes away from August 1st. I don’t know if that makes me on any kind of cusp or not, but I sure as youknowwhat don’t feel like a Leo.

  135.  #135Nikita on September 15, 2010 at 10:14 pm

    Hi applejacks….um well I think just based on the year you were born it might seem awkward to be Leo. But if the subject doesn’t interest you I wouldn’t bother delving into it. Just consider yourself lucky to be born in such a lovely year….the Chinese would consider a blessing to be a woman born in that year 🙂

  136.  #136Apple Jacks on September 15, 2010 at 10:16 pm


    I feel curious what is so special about 1977? Thank you, btw. I would like to hear more, though. Is it alright if you could delve into it here with me?

  137.  #137Apple Jacks on September 15, 2010 at 10:19 pm

    Oh, Nikita if you don’t want to it’s alright too. 🙂 I just feel curious on how 1977 affects feeling being awkward to be Leo. That intrigues me.

  138.  #138Jason Miller on September 15, 2010 at 10:35 pm

    34: Kath

    Well, if the relationship is over, there is no reason for you to do anything for him. It’s not a question of being nice or not. So I agree with you completely.

    Probably what’s still bothering you is that you feel guilty for not doing what he wants. If that’s the case, you need to hold your ground and realize that guilt is only happening on your side. Your guilt has nothing to do with him and everything to do with your opinion of how you think you’re supposed to be and behave.

    Correct me if I’m wrong.

  139.  #139Nikita on September 15, 2010 at 11:43 pm

    1977 is the year of the fire snake. A snake is far from extroverted….Jackie Kennedy was a snake….demure comes to mind. Astrodienst/astro dot com- will give you the other aspects in your birth chart. Create a free account and give your birthdate and country/time of birth-that will tell you your rising/ascendant sign…. It could be Pisces or something mellow- giving you more reason to not identify strongly with Leo…..but I ask you; do you have the most amazing wild hair? I don’t need an answer 🙂 your mars sign could also be water …there’s a myriad of reasons….. But to be a snake of a woman is to be a natural siren and very pleasing to the eye; elegant

  140.  #140faubourg on September 16, 2010 at 2:08 am


    i realize i am so used not to count on a man that i kind of erased you in my head each time i saw a post of you…

    it is only last night that you gave me advice for the second or third time that i “noticed” you, how funny is that?

    i went on your blog this morning and i find it very interesting and i like the organization of your blog it is really easy to go through and crystal clear, thank you

    i erase men…. and i think they erase me or don’t see me or find me weird, or not approachable or not a match
    what an effective way to find a man…. 🙁

  141.  #141janjune on September 16, 2010 at 2:50 am

    you sirens are so awesome!

    i haven’t been able to get on the blog to follow whats’ going on , just logging on to read what i can when i can

    and you all are totally inspiring!!!!!!!!

    i so agree about the triggering being the way to healing!

    i feel so much different than i did a year ago—
    after learning rori;s Riffing Tool and then finding the courage to allow getting triggered…. even though it still makes me sick to do it.

    but seeing the other sirens working their way through their triggers and then seeing the changes in them oh it;s really just so wonderful and encouraging!

  142.  #142janjune on September 16, 2010 at 2:54 am

    @ lizzie!!!

    really LOVED your POF profile you posted on here!
    are you going to post it?
    i think you should!
    if you want to
    it would be so much fun to see what kind of responses you get!

    if you or a gorup of you get together to brainstorm having us put up profiles we work on together and then report back what kind of responses we got— or something liek that— i think you mentioned doing something like that

    i would love to try to get in on that!

    wooo hoo sound like a good time!

  143.  #143Kath on September 16, 2010 at 2:56 am

    Jason # 138
    Thank you-you’re right I do feel some kind of guilt but also resentment because that is what has been expected of me throughout the whole relationship-me doing for him- I don’t feel as though I’ve had any of my needs met. We can’t even have a conversation and he never listens or takes on board my feelings and my opinions don’t exist in his eyes. He has even said he’s not going to change or do anything until he’s ready!!- which I have now accepted and that is why I’ve thrown in the towel. I know that guikt has formed a huge part of my life and I am trying so hard to get over that-and not have that feeling again and not know what to do with it-having the strength to do what is right for me without causing pain or having pain inflicted on me is so important- He just seems incapable of dealing with his own crap and tries to pile it onto me. Sorry!- rambling!- but I am soo angry and I don;t really know what to do with it!

  144.  #144janjune on September 16, 2010 at 3:14 am

    @ BarbinOz!!!
    i wish we could talk…

    maybe we could exchange emails if there’s not enough interest on the blog here to merit conversing here.
    i believe you said you’re 50+, i am too, and i really think we are dealing with a different Mindset when we’re dealing with men 50, maybe even younger…

    did you get to watch rori with those two men that somebody posted a link to the other day… i believe the program rori was onwas called the greg mantell show. does anybody remember if that’s correct?

    anyway., i’d listened to it before some months back but really go ta different take on it this time as the older of the two men was talking aobut how as men get past a certain age, they begin to realize that their relationships have broken down and they have no idea how to put them together. this older man, a doctor, talked about the isolation and loneliness and i believe he might have aslo used the word dispair to describe how many men begin to feel, expecially in light of the fact that they don’t know what to do it ocrrect it. it was very interesting to me…

    i have noticed that MOST of the men put up pictures of when they were younger!
    better looking!
    on their boat on vacation probably years ago
    and then want a woman to see them as THAT person, i guess the one they wish they still were.

    but are very pissy about making sure they let females know they want a CURRENT pic of you!
    i am not super good looking but do try to keep myself looking good (doing the best i can with what i’ve got, ya know what i mean?!!) and had two men last year that i went out with from online dating tell me that they felt like my pic was taken 5- 7 years earlier than what i said my age was— like i didn’t look that much younger but even to ALMOST make them not write me.
    so apparently it makes a huge difference to them… although one of them had put up photos of when he was at least 10years younger. the other one did have current photos as well as a few of when his daughters got married a few years before.

    oh and this recent one that i thought was going to turn into something, when i asked if his photos were current, then i didn’t hear from him for two days, so i deleted him and all his emails and his contacts…
    a few hours later he responded again but i didn’t check in so didn’t get back to him for a couple of days either.
    he wanted to meet
    i said alright, but i’d
    d just like to meet for a few minutes the first time rahter than go on a date (that’s what rori says to do— keep it SHORT)!
    well, looks like he didn’t want to do that.
    i don’t care, i don’t want to spend time with someone at first unless we both agree we want to.

    anyway i would love to keep in touch with the other sirens 50+

  145.  #145janjune on September 16, 2010 at 3:17 am

    to see if we can come up with some ideas!

    my main complaint about men 50+ on line is they sound like they think they’re ordering a pizza rather than trying to meet an in the flesh human female!

  146.  #146janjune on September 16, 2010 at 3:21 am

    my big problem with me is im finally in touch with the vulnerability i feel.

    i’ve had so much anger and so much sadness and so much stonewalling to Riff and Trigger through and now what’s left is realizing how i purposely (like a knee-jerk reaction) turn off any man who i feel connected with.

    i feel too vulnerable.
    i know it’s okay though because i’ve become familiar enough with the Tools that i know i can find my way back out of a mistake when i make one bacause i know the Tools are right here and the Goddesses will help me if i need it.

  147.  #147Lucy on September 16, 2010 at 3:27 am

    hi janjune. i am 48 and a lot of men i date are 50 plus, so this definitely interests me. a lot of men write and say wow! you look 38, not 48, and i am always surprised that they don’t question how old my pics are (all were taken within the past year). they always seem to assume they are current, which strikes me as unusual.

  148.  #148Denise on September 16, 2010 at 4:20 am

    #119 Nikita

    I’m not sure if you’ve heard of Carol Allen, a relationship coach that uses Vedic astrology. She maintains that we each have a ‘cycle of Saturn’ in which no matter what we do and who we meet, the relationship will not work. Then there are the periods when Saturn is working to our benefit. I think they are 7 year cycles? Anyway, I purchased the report for myself and I have to say it was accurate in regard to the years in which I’ve struggled/been struggling. I have to wait until 11/2011 until things turn around for me. I have dated a whole string of men for over a year and none of them have resonated. I think there was 1 where I might be somewhat interested in pursuing something, but he dropped out of sight. Knowing I’m not in my ‘cycle’ helps take the pressure off and better understand why this might be happening. (This information is also making it easy to drop out and regroup in regard to dating. I need to consider how to meet men OTHER than on line dating since I’m not meeting the caliber of men I would be intersted in. All very nice, decent men, but just not who I see myself being with.)

    I’d also love to hear your comments on Vedic astrology, which is used in India. Apparently astrology and astrologers are very common in India-ESPECIALLY in predicting compatability. The sun signs run a little differently in regard to months/dates. What I thought was interesting is that I am an Aries in both Western and Vedic astrology–yikes! 🙂

  149.  #149Denise on September 16, 2010 at 4:25 am


    I don’t want to burst anyone’s bubble and I’m sure what the men are saying is absolutely true and certainly makes us feel good, but I have come to the conclusion that men have no idea on how to estimate age. It starts as early when they are in their early 20’s (girls tell them they are older than they actually are) all the way to who knows when!

    I have also figured out FINALLY that men, at least on line, look for women that are younger than themselves. They are not interested in women who are their same age. Not sure what that is all about, a status thing maybe? I’m 46, so men in 50+ are most interested in me. Those that are my age usually don’t interact.

    Haha on the comment on ordering a pizza. I have come to the conclusion that men 50+ really aren’t into technology and interacting on line is really foreign to them, and they don’t like it (which is fine by me!). In addition, I think that’s the kind of men they are, ‘buyer beware’ 🙂

  150.  #150Lucy on September 16, 2010 at 4:27 am

    wow! denise! i feel fascinated! how much does the report cost? sounds like your dating experience is similar to mine. i feel very intrigued by this cycle thing!

  151.  #151Denise on September 16, 2010 at 4:40 am


    I think the report was like $20 or something like that, very reasonable.

    I feel much more ‘relaxed’ now that I have that information, it’ll be very intersting to see what comes to be and if it co-incides with reality.

    She just had an interview with a handwriting expert, that was interesting as well.

    By the way, I have men plenty of men off line too–same experiences, sighhhhh.

    There are a lot of coaches out there, each with their own approach and ‘voice’. I feel lucky to be able to get perspective from each. I have felt appreciate of Rori because she speaks specifically to and from a woman’s point of view, she recognizes our unique and common/normal challenges.

  152.  #152Erika Awakening on September 16, 2010 at 7:51 am

    Hey everyone,

    Right now, of our overall list of 21 people, we have 10 who have confirmed 2 pm PST this Sunday, September 19 for our HBR call. Not only that, three lovely and brave ladies have volunteered to work with me on the call … which is fabulous, because HBR works best when we address real issues in real time .. this is all about being with the energy that is alive in the moment.

    The topic is “Releasing Limiting Beliefs About Men and Embracing the Power of Your Feminine Energy,” and it is going to be a magical carpet ride into your subconscious mind, where ALL the power is … even if you are not working with me personally on the call, if you tap along with us (using the technique I teach on a free 10 minute YouTube video), your subconscious mind will draw parallels to your own situation, and you will benefit (often just as much as someone working with me directly) …

    So, we need 15 confirmed to move forward with the call on Sunday … otherwise I will postpone it to a time/date where 15 confirm. Please email Brenda NOW at mistywindfall @

    The alternative time I’m looking at is 4 pm PST on Sunday, Oct. 3.

    We do need to know today, please email Brenda with your preferences.

    Thanks very much,

  153.  #153Brenda on September 16, 2010 at 8:09 am


    RE: #61-62 – Whew! Beautiful reminder!!! Thank you! I really appreciate that! LOL on #62…

  154.  #154Nikita on September 16, 2010 at 8:29 am

    Can I confirm for 2 pm here ?
    Brenda? Sunday works great for me

  155.  #155AmberS on September 16, 2010 at 8:45 am


    Are you burnt out on being the astrologist-to-the-sirens?

    I feel guilt at opening that channel. I also feel hope that my guilt is MY junk, and that you’re enjoying flexing your astro-muscles. Heh.

    If you are good with it- I’d love to hear your interpretation of the 12th house placement. A friend did my daughter’s chart when she was a baby. I read it once and put it away because I was concerned that I might unconsciously nudge her toward my ideas of what her sign meant. She’ll be 20 in a couple months, so I no longer have THAT concern. LOL

    If you’re done with this – that’s totally fine. I am very grateful for all of your giving to us here on this. Thank you!

  156.  #156Nikita on September 16, 2010 at 8:54 am


    I have never been a fan of vedic astrology. I remember getting a book on it YEARS ago and “not getting it”. I felt frustrated by it. I don’t know enough to comment on it but it felt very predictive….and I don’t believe in predictive astrology at all….. I remember stuff saying if this is here and that is there then one will NEVER marry and die alone by violence….I was left feeling like WTF ? I will not let this rot my creative muscles! I don’t know carol so perhaps it is very different and I stumbled onto something that was just on the dark side of the force. But it never clicked for me so I mostly avoid it.

  157.  #157Nikita on September 16, 2010 at 9:02 am


    I am a little burnt out 🙂
    The way I learned charts are not to be done for babies and really most of the times I couldn’t get info on anyone less than 14. I feel puzzled that a chart was done so early, I don’t feel up to digging into the 12th house. Has she shown an interest in the medical fields or psych stuff? Just curious- but I think Jung wrote extensively about the 12th house in one of his books…’s just too heavy for me. If she’s curious I’d look there but if she’s not curious and isn’t having any real challenges I’d be happy to let it go…. Studying my own chart(which I never requested but was done for me) sent me into analysis paralysis and I’m not sure I’m better for it.

  158.  #158Brenda on September 16, 2010 at 9:17 am

    Nikita, RE: #154 – I don’t mind you confirming here, but I don’t know who you are on my list…did you send me an alias name? Thanks.

  159.  #159Brenda on September 16, 2010 at 9:17 am

    Nikita, RE: #154 – I don’t mind you confirming here, but I don’t know who you are on my list…did you send me an alias name? Thanks.

  160.  #160Brenda on September 16, 2010 at 9:19 am


    You made some especially beautiful, meaningful comments above! I especially like this one:

    Are you in love?
    No, love is in me.

  161.  #161Brenda on September 16, 2010 at 9:26 am

    Wow! Jonathon is really popping on facebook! He has all sorts of radio shows and stuff going on!!/RelationshipConfidant

  162.  #162Nikita on September 16, 2010 at 9:28 am


    No alias name-I emailed you a few minutes ago from sacred heart 🙂

  163.  #163Dorothea on September 16, 2010 at 9:45 am

    So ladies
    I got really angry this morning with LI
    A few months ago he said he would have a full time job in September, and a ring for me. We were talking today about his getting a job, and I realized….he said he would have this stuff by now, and he didn’t. and i felt ANGRY. I still feel angry.

    I don’t feel angry that he hasn’t taken care of this stuff yet. I feel angry that he didn’t talk to me about it at all. I told him when he announced his plan to marry me that if it wasn’t working out right, it would feel so much better to just be kept in the loop, instead of wondering. He could have told me he is still working on it and is still interested. He could have asked me if I would still be patient, or for me to move in with him so we can save for our goals faster together. Anything. But instead I got nothing.

    So when I said I was feeling angry and upset, he wanted to talk about it. But the truth was that if the conversation resulted from my nagging, and not his own desire, I would question it for the rest of my life. I had to tell him that. That I didn’t want to have a conversation about it right now. That I just wanted to keep making my own plans and see what happened with our relationship.

    He clearly felt stupid and upset. I dunno. I just feel weird now and needed to vent. I feel a little better.

  164.  #164AmberS on September 16, 2010 at 9:49 am

    Nikita- Thank you!

    Sending you warm, gentle waves of relaxation and rejuvenation.

  165.  #165Dorothea on September 16, 2010 at 10:08 am

    LI just IMd me to say even tho the conversation wasnt pleasant he appreciated my sharing that with him, and that it was the wakeup call he needed. i said i feel confused by everything right now and i don’t really know what to say.

    anyway, i am going to keep circular dating. it feels scary to think that some other man might steal me away from him. it is a risk. like, if that happens, will the new man be as good as my current? sigh.

    in other news, I am going to accept my new job offer today. holla! and maybe even clean my house…really…ok probably not

  166.  #166Dorothea on September 16, 2010 at 10:22 am

    more i think about it and feel my way through it, the less i feel devastated or worried

    so glad i’m cd’ing. there are so many men out there.

  167.  #167AmberS on September 16, 2010 at 10:30 am

    Dorothea- you are WAY my inspiration today.

    You never gave up the answers to the 3 questions!

  168.  #168Daria on September 16, 2010 at 10:34 am

    Brenda – I’m confirming here too.

  169.  #169Nikita on September 16, 2010 at 10:41 am


    Congrats 🙂

  170.  #170Dorothea on September 16, 2010 at 11:02 am

    amber, what three questions? i’ll answer anything. i am a nauseatingly open person haha

  171.  #171Turtle Girl on September 16, 2010 at 11:20 am

    Lucy, Janjune, BarbinOz and anyone else I have left out :o)

    I am also in my 50’s. But man I don’t feel like it and I know I don’t look it. My main cd guy is 47. All his friends say I look ten years younger than I am. This helps with dating to be sure.

    I agree that the men I find want a gal ten years younger. If they are fifty they want 40, 60 they want 50.My problem is I am in really good shape physically and I don’t want some old fart. A man ten years older than me is too dang old and his thiggy prolly won’t work well….Sorry–crude but I have had my problem (posted in earlier threads here months ago) with guys in their sixties being impotent and not wanting to do anything about it. One main reason I like younger men. Call me a cougar I don’t care.

    So it is not that easy. If I am truthful about my age on a dating site I can’t get any hits. But if I lie, sorry to say, I get hits, we meet and they are amazed how young I look and then it doesnt matter to them the number. Isn’t that funny? It sucks, often older men can get younger women, but us older women have a rougher time of it. That said screw it-I think that what is meant to be will be. I have faith that the guy for me is out there, probably younger, or a really hot old guy…….hang in there all you older sirens, life is good!!! We ain’t dead yet!!! Lotzzzz of sexy men out there to be had….lol

  172.  #172Jacqueline on September 16, 2010 at 12:01 pm

    @ Dorothea – hey, I was wondering how you are and what your news is? You are taking new job for sure? Is change feeling good? Hope so!!!

    Turtle Girl – I’m 52, got asked out mainly by 35-40 years olds, then a gap to 59-62’s don’t know where all the mid 40 guys are -married? issues? Never married with issues??? NOT YOU Jason….lol….teasing!

    Anyway, the guy I ended up with was 46 vs. my last guy 52 or 52….46 is better in like a million ways for me – maybe it’s part of that generational shift thing Jason talks about???

    Two things – one is every single guy I met said wow, you’re so much more beautiful than your picture – and it’s a decent pix, but I’d put ones that were not glamour shots up just so they guy could be pleasantly surprised….under promise, over deliver man work world theory there…

    and, I’m going to write about a book from a scientitst that’s going to tell us 1. it’s not US and 2. profile is no big deal cuz 3. odds of meeting someone and dating him from online for more than a month are ONE in TEN!

    We totally need that list Brenda copied of where to FIND men!! for this one!

    Your intrepid sleuth,

  173.  #173Jacqueline on September 16, 2010 at 12:02 pm

    people do react in shock about my age, tho – even like female store clerks! ha ha….plumpness has ONE and only ONE advantage?

  174.  #174Daria on September 16, 2010 at 12:08 pm

    I meet like a different man from online everyday. I’ve probably met over 100 men from online. its the same as meeting them at a bar or club to me.

    1 in 10 is not bad odds actually.

  175.  #175Daria on September 16, 2010 at 12:09 pm

    meaning in person. i’ve met them. i met my best friend too . hehe. a girl. online.

    and guys im still friends with after hella years

  176.  #176Brenda on September 16, 2010 at 12:34 pm

    Daria, gotcha!

  177.  #177Ragnell on September 16, 2010 at 12:44 pm

    Listening to this, because there’s a man who wants me to compete against another woman he likes to whom he’s more sexually attracted to because she’s “not a latina”.

    As Cool As I Am
    Dar Williams

    Yeah, there was a time I didn’t like the love, I liked the climbers
    I was no sister then, I was running out of time and one liners
    And I was afraid, like you are, when you’re too young to know the time, and
    So I watch the way you take your fear and horde the horizon
    You point, you have a word for every woman you can lay your eyes on
    Like you own them just be cause you bought the time
    And you turn to me, you say you hope I’m not threatened

    Oh, I’m not that petty
    As cool as I am, I thought you’d know this already
    I will not be afraid of women
    I will not be afraid of women

    So now we’re at a club, you watch the woman dancing, she is drunk
    She is smiling and she’s falling in a slow, descending funk
    And the whole bar is loud and proud and everybody’s trying, yeah
    You play the artist, saying, “Is it how she moves, or how she looks?”
    I say, it’s loneliness suspended to our own like grappling hooks
    And as long as she’s got noise, she’s fine
    But I could teach her how I learned to dance when the music’s ended

    Oh, and that’s not petty
    As cool as I am, I thought you’d know this already
    I will not be afraid of women
    I will not be afraid of women

    You tried to make me doubt
    To make me guess
    Tried to make me feel like a little less
    Oh, I liked you when your soul was bared
    I thought you knew how to be scared
    And now it’s amazing what you did to make me stay
    But truth is just like time, it catches up and it just keeps going

    Oh, and so I’m leaving, you can find out how much better things can get
    And if it helps, I’d say I feel a little worse than I did when we met
    So when you find someone else, you can try again, it might work next time
    You look out of the kitchen window and you shake your head and say low
    “If I could believe that stuff, I’d say that woman as a halo”
    And I look out and say, “Yeah, she’s really blond”
    And then I go outside and join the others — I am the others

    Oh and that’s not easy
    I don’t know what you saw, I want somebody who sees me
    I will not be afraid of women
    I will not be afraid of women

  178.  #178Jacqueline on September 16, 2010 at 12:45 pm

    Daria – it’s one in 10 odds that IF you meet in person and date, that you will keep dating – I’m not big on math but I too met something like over a 100 guys – so wouldn’t the math be that I’d meet 100, find 10, out of 10 date one and THEN have a 1 in 10 odds that we’d date more than a month or so? Exponetially suxs…

    Anyway, it’s all about don’t give up and it’s not YOU, that’s what I’m saying. The guy’s sites all talk about numbers game too..

    It’s not your age, it’s not your profile, it’s not your looks, it’s not your picture – it’s math!!! makes me feel better anyway!

    so, the more looking you do, the more you’ll find –

    and it also means if you’ve got all that math against you yep you have to just keep dating…..even when it feels like a j.o.b.

    What do you think? and I’ve got happy squealing good news, but want to stay in the actual conversation here.


  179.  #179Jacqueline on September 16, 2010 at 12:47 pm

    Ragnell! Wow, I find Spanish to be so sexy!!! LOVE brown eyed boys, lived in Mexico, speak Spanish….and dated a bunch of sadly blue eyed boys too…..there’s nothing like dark eyes. Sayid on LOST was my everything – grin….

    that guy’s blind!!! Glad you’re here!


  180.  #180Dorothea on September 16, 2010 at 12:49 pm

    Half my family is from el salvador. lovin it.

    ragnell, been meaning to ask you if you have any specific questions that we could try to help you with. i feel bad that you might not be gettnig the answers you want from rori’s stuff.

  181.  #181Jacqueline on September 16, 2010 at 12:54 pm

    @ janjune – you can write me if you want….that was my issue to, they have like a laundry list and the more successful they are the longer the list – and then they wanna know if they should take their Cialis?!!! OMGosh…..

    night and day difference from 53 to 46 – and yes! I’d love to know where you got the stats, but I totally decided they were looking for younger on there, if you are the “wrong” age, they just like don’t even see you??

    50 is the new 30!!!!

  182.  #182Daria on September 16, 2010 at 1:13 pm

    for me one in 10 odds that if we meet in person we continue dating is overblowingly good.

    my ratio is probably much less, and still satisfactory for moi

  183.  #183Daria on September 16, 2010 at 1:14 pm

    “I’d meet 100, find 10, out of 10 date one and THEN have a 1 in 10 odds that we’d date more than a month or so? Exponetially suxs…”

    i think therse something wrong with this lol.

    wheres the Find 10.

    if you meet 100 in person, then continue to date 10 long term is plenty.

  184.  #184Dorothea on September 16, 2010 at 1:20 pm

    let’s compare these statistics to the number of men you encounter in real life, which is more or less innumerable, that turn into conversations, that turn into dates, that turn into long term.

    Online dating increases these occurrences drastically.

  185.  #185Jacqueline on September 16, 2010 at 1:24 pm

    I’m not arguing in either favor just quoting the guy who spent a decade at and another one. I think it’s cool that you think that’s good odds! lol….the guy says that online dating sites that show you “real” couples should have to put a disclaimer like *results not typical on it. I did it and yesteday it was one year, so yes! it can be done – but what I hear here is the frustration with the process, so I’m wondering what is the quickest and shortest route to dating more than a month? Grin….

    Daria, will you check what I wrote on the other page and give me insight? if you want to?

    Thanks yall,

  186.  #186Daria on September 16, 2010 at 1:32 pm

    The quickest shortest way to dating more than a month is to circular date and see all men as a river that flows into you as the pond, and not pay much attention to a particular man and “where you stand” with him, and let men take the lead in relationship, while being clear about your boundaries and what you don’t want

  187.  #187AmberS on September 16, 2010 at 1:35 pm

    Lady J-

    Does your good news relate in any way to yesterdays date significance?

    PLEASE!!! Squeal already!!!

    The boss man is hovering so I’m surreptitiously browsing via cell phone.

  188.  #188Dorothea on September 16, 2010 at 1:38 pm

    surreptitious is a GRE vocab word 😀

  189.  #189Jacqueline on September 16, 2010 at 1:54 pm

    Hey Amber!!! Nope, although he did get a good new JOB! hooray….

    It has to do with my OWN MAGNIFICANCE!! or at least that’s what I’m choosing to call it – EVERY SINGLE article I submitted to EZine got approved with no corrections, nothing and I didn’t have to or feel compelled to buy their primier membership – just waited it out! and 4 more and I’m like an ezine “expert” badge owner.

    AND a NEW YORK TIMES BESTSELLING Author answered my interview questions for the blog!!! OMGOSH!!!!! WOW!!!!! I’d orignally written to her about her work last October so there was a connection there, but I was holding my breath! That is so COOL that someone with that much clout and dream achievement would answer just starting out me!!!!!! I’m like amazed and happy and believing in the law of attraction and growing and learning and finally! finally letting myself feel just a little bit excited about the blog might actually go somewhere?!!!!!!

    open doors, be my dream, etc. etc!!!!

    Thank you for asking!!!

    PS – cannot marry my guy he’s got horrible credit! and one of my Ezine articles was on can credit rating stop your marriage/engagement….rofl….so IF it has a happy ending it won’t be that one! GRins and Hugs!

  190.  #190AmberS on September 16, 2010 at 1:56 pm


    You ARE magnificent. And I am SOOO EXCITED FOR YOU!!!

    Can we say ‘manifested’?

    Break out the bubbly!

  191.  #191Dorothea on September 16, 2010 at 1:57 pm

    i have shi*t credit and my only chance at a normal credit life is marrying out of it:P

  192.  #192AmberS on September 16, 2010 at 1:59 pm


    I have sh*t credit too. BUT!

    I’m feeling some definite movement around finances. Let come up with some unlimited positive beliefs for ourselves 🙂

  193.  #193Daria on September 16, 2010 at 2:00 pm

    I love life and how I choose to have credit is a non issue for me romantically

  194.  #194Jacqueline on September 16, 2010 at 2:04 pm

    Dorothea – I got into it by marriage, out of it when my mother died – I sadly got joint cards with her then and got some credit repair going on (and I share this remorsefully and to say it’s a very very big deal for me how it could have RUINED my freakin life!!!)…but geting out of it by marriage works to! you just do have to find a way to get out of it!

    ….and if I had not been able to do that I would not be owning this house! I too support non limiting beliefs, but I’m not going to ever do that again – esp. as I don’t have a mother anymore!!!

  195.  #195Brenda on September 16, 2010 at 2:12 pm

    I used to have terrible credit. I went for 3-4 years buying nothing but what I had money for…no loans, no credit cards…cuz I couldn’t GET any!

    1.5 years ago, I went to a used car dealership, because I desperately needed a car. They said, “You don’t HAVE any credit. Your credit report is pretty much empty! How did you manage to stay under the radar??”

    I simply said, “I didn’t use any loans.” I.e, I didn’t tell them I couldn’t get any!

    They said, “Well, we’re taking a risk here, but since you have a good job, we will give you the car loan. Your payments will be reported to the credit bureau (whatever it’s called). If you make all your payments on time, when this car is paid off in 2.5 yrs, you will then have GOOD credit! You will be able to choose whatever car on the lot you want, and we will give you a loan!

    I felt really surprised that I was that close to having my credit cleaned up! Less than one year left now!

  196.  #196Jacqueline on September 16, 2010 at 2:21 pm

    Brenda! that is great!!! I think maybe it’s gotten more easy? Because I get credit calls from my ex husband of over 15 years new wife’s debt??? and the seven year thing? it didn’t go away, they just resold the debts….

    like I said any way out is good and I support it!!!

    Hoorah Brenda!!


  197.  #197AmberS on September 16, 2010 at 2:22 pm

    Marriage. Yup. I said once that divorce was GRAND. But it was actually more to the tune of 50 grand. Barf.

    So letting go of fear has been a big deal for me, because to a great extent I was too afraid to even look at it. It’s all tax debt, so I’ve been pretty much hiding…

    And I’ve had a TON of anger around it, since I had ZERO debt and was the primary wage earner…

    It’s time for me to unblock all of that and get things moving into abundance

  198.  #198BarbinOz on September 16, 2010 at 2:42 pm

    Janjune #144

    Yes would be great to talk to another 50+ about this dating malarkey 😀

    I think the fantastic profile you saw was the one Lizzie did for me, I have put it on my POF profile but need some new pics as nobody has commented on it, I think all the available (and married!!) men in my area have contacted, me by now anyway ha ha!! This is just a dummy run for when I put it on another dating site, this one is a paid site, you have to buy coupons to contact another, of course I will not be buying any such thing, the men will be paying 🙂

    Yes I did see that interview and that old guy looked kinda shocked that women DO want relationships…..duh!!

    I find most of the men of our age pretty uninspiring I have to say, I am 57 and was thinking of putting my age on the new site as younger, say 53 or 54 so I fit into the age slot of NOT over 55…..Rori says you can do this but you MUST write your real age in your profile.

    And talk about old blurry photos taken when they were 40, on their boat, their Harley, besides their car 🙂 And short men knocking 3″ off their height aaargghhhhhh…. I have only been back online dating for about 5 months and have only had 1 date!! Mind you I am soo fussy its not funny, but I have done the dating thing years ago meeting everybody and being polite and being sooo over the whole damn thing…….

    Well it is 3 weeks I think since I gave those 3 very ordinary men my phone number and not one phoned!!

    Love the pizza analogy Janjune 🙂

  199.  #199BarbinOz on September 16, 2010 at 2:55 pm

    #171 TG

    I am in total agreement with the age thing, even though I am 57, I don’t look it or act it sometimes LOL!! I am in pretty good shape too, and I don’t want some boring old fart either!!

    I was just thinking about this age thing after posting to Janjune and I remembered when I did the online dating thing last time I knocked about 6 years off my age as I figured it was nobodys business how old I was, kinda like Joan Collins, you never ask a lady her age…….

    I think this has been my problem on POF, LOTS of older guys and then I get guys say 50 going OMG I can’t believe how old you are, and you are in great shape etc….like its some kind of miracle you can look good in your 50’s LOL!!

    YEP thats it, from now on I am 51 or 52 :D:D:D

  200.  #200BarbinOz on September 16, 2010 at 3:00 pm

    Daria #186

    “The quickest shortest way to dating more than a month is to circular date and see all men as a river that flows into you as the pond, and not pay much attention to a particular man and “where you stand” with him, and let men take the lead in relationship, while being clear about your boundaries and what you don’t want”

    LOVE LOVE LOVE this, thank you :D:D:D

  201.  #201Daria on September 16, 2010 at 3:05 pm

    Barb no prob. Rori has the pond tool in her e-letters. at first i didnt ‘get’ it and felt resistant about being the pond. but now i get i get it. it feels so good.

  202.  #202Daria on September 16, 2010 at 3:07 pm

    I’m 28, and one woman i go out with a lot is i think 40. I don’t know cuz she wont tell lol. but i found out from a man she used to date 20 years ago when he was 19.

  203.  #203Vulpine on September 16, 2010 at 5:19 pm

    I’m on OKC and have been having fun practicing feeling messages with guys there. The last one replied back “you made my whole day!”, which felt pretty great! I also thought it would be funny to post a picture of me literally “leaning back” (in a doorway). Every little subliminal cue helps, right?

    – Jlina, thank you for offering to help me out. I don’t know why I feel so off-kilter lately, but I’m guessing it has to do with PMS, LOL. Just a downshift in my self-confidence but I’m manifesting it feeling better even as we speak.

  204.  #204Turtle Girl on September 16, 2010 at 5:42 pm

    Barbin Oz #199

    What a hoot! Uh, um yeah I do lie about my age. I am actually 48 or 49 don’t cha know……………my 47 yo cd man about sh*t when I told him I was almost ten years older than him….but he thinks I am super rockin fine now…………….lol………
    that’s it don’t ask, don’t tell….
    I hike, bike, go out, go to the gym, work as hard as a man physically almost every day and am still going strong. I think 50 IS the new thirty. But I also eat really well, have a great mental attitude and get lots of exercise and I don’t smoke or hammr myself in other ways…so staying young does require a bit of lifestyle.
    I want to live til I am 105 and die while fuching. ha!

  205.  #205janjune on September 16, 2010 at 8:23 pm

    “A man ten years older than me is too dang old and his thiggy prolly won’t work well….”

    turtle girl!!!! i can’t quit laughing!

  206.  #206Brenda on September 16, 2010 at 8:32 pm

    “Security does not come from money. It comes from knowing that you will do whatever it takes to accomplish your goal.”

  207.  #207janjune on September 16, 2010 at 8:35 pm

    tryng to get caught up with the comments on this thread.

    …just read through my own comments from last night!! i’ll try to remember to never post in the middle of the night again… can barely follow my own comments! …was half-asleep:)

    thanks sirens, for your responses. i’d loved to have a way to discuss this dating when you’re 50+ with the other sirens…

  208.  #208janjune on September 16, 2010 at 8:49 pm

    are you working on your book right now?
    i’ll proofread it for you!

    …can’t find the list brenda posted… was it on the post before this one?
    i think she said that was a list jason had put together, didn’t she? 35 places to meet men.

    IT WAS GOOD! i should have copied it when i read it.

  209.  #209janjune on September 16, 2010 at 8:50 pm

    congratulations on your new job with better pay and benefits!! yay!!!

  210.  #210Jacqueline on September 16, 2010 at 9:01 pm

    Hi, Janjune – feel like we haven’t been on here together in ages, and I’m toast from new blog post – haha poetry….yes! well, no, not a book but lots of stuff and I could so use some proofing help even editing! my email is – and for your perusal, the list:!!! PS – If we make an over 50 club I’m in….but really, I’d say like about 47 is when you start to “feel” it…I know Cher got a lot of flak when she said, I’ve been 40 and I’ve been 50 and let me tell you 40 is so. much. better!!! I’ve been trying to get this lady to sell me her forum – so I wouldn’t have to try and figure out how to do it! lol…but all almost 50’s can go comment on my blog and we’ll figure it out, or any other ideas will be great –

    sweet dreams everyone!

    35 Places To Meet Great Men – from Jonathan Asley

    This is about developing friendships with men. You never know who the men you meet can introduce you to. He may be THE ONE or he may be friends with THE ONE.
    1. Golf – take lessons, visit golf shops, attend tournaments
    2. Go to a coffee house and bring an intriguing book and/or laptop and a smile
    3. Join a church singles group and attend events
    4. Happy hour at a high end restaurant or Hotel
    5. Watch Monday Night Football somewhere at sports club, restaurant or party
    6. Take a friend to a bowling alley and find a cute guy and ask him to show you his best bowling tip
    7. Car wash on a busy day gives you time to mingle and flirt with male patrons
    8. Car shows, classic cars or auctions – ask men about to explain about the cars
    9. Home improvement stores: Home Depot & Lowes – check out the tools, plumbing and lumber section for manly men
    10. Sporting goods stores – hang out in the area of sports you like
    11. Superbowl parties – a great annual occasion, pick your venue carefully for the type of man you seek
    12. Club Med for singles – go with a girlfriend
    13. Investment & business seminars – sit next to or mingle with unmarried, attractive male attendees
    14. Real estate open houses in your area – single, straight male home buyers will need a woman’s touch
    15. Take a dance class – preferably partnering styles
    16. Coed softball or volleyball league – abundant fun people
    17. Concerts in the park – laugh and smile and dance with girlfriends
    18. Grocery shopping – 5:15 – 6 pm and weekends
    19. Boxing, martial arts training – men always willing to help teach you
    20. Join a Gym: workout before work (6-7:30 am) or 7-9 pm
    21. Take a hiking, kayaking or sailing class
    22. Attend local sporting events
    23. Dog park/dog beach – meet other dog lovers
    24. Visit computer/electronic stores and ask for recommendations from male shoppers
    25. Speed dating events – keeping your list of non-negotiables in mind
    26. Wine Tasting Clubs – keep drinking to a minimum
    27. Join a political group – meet men with common views
    28. Weekday breakfast at a nice restaurant or hotel
    29. Attend Chamber of Commerce events for great networking
    30. Volunteer in your community to meet more philanthropic men
    31. Join a snow/water skiing club for like-minded sports enthusiasts
    32. Join a backpacking/camping group for more nature-loving men
    33. Farmer’s markets, Whole Foods, Trader Joe’s – to meet health-oriented men
    34. Shop in a high-end men’s department store and ask for input on a gift for your dad or brother (or your Relationship Confident)
    35. is an EXCELLENT way to meet men in your area with common interests (just do a search for any of the above topics in your city)
    Reminder: this is about developing friendships. You may meet great female friends who ultimately introduce you to your ideal guy. You may even be able to introduce them to a great guy!

  211.  #211Jacqueline on September 16, 2010 at 9:02 pm

    ps thank you Brenda for the list and the great quote about $$$!!!!

  212.  #212janjune on September 16, 2010 at 9:09 pm

    jacqueline! this makes perfect sense to me!
    this is really about the numbers…
    “wouldn’t the math be that I’d meet 100, find 10, out of 10 date one and THEN have a 1 in 10 odds that we’d date more than a month or so? Exponetially suxs…
    Anyway, it’s all about don’t give up and it’s not YOU, that’s what I’m saying. The guy’s sites all talk about numbers game too..
    It’s not your age, it’s not your profile, it’s not your looks, it’s not your picture – it’s math!!!”

    it’s similar to “sales” concepts it seems.

    btw what’s your screaming good news girl?!

  213.  #213janjune on September 16, 2010 at 9:14 pm

    the more successful they are the longer the list – and then they wanna know if they should take their Cialis?!!!
    oh gosh you and turtle are funny tonight!!!

  214.  #214Lizzie on September 16, 2010 at 9:16 pm

    Jacqueline – I have been technically insolvent for about 7 years now. I could have bought a lovely house for the legal fees of untangling my marriage and business. My ex departed and took ALL financial resources – I was scary how much debt I carried – most people wouldn’t earn it in a lifetime. I couldn’t recover any of it for a whole variety of reasons. This summer, I reached a technical “$0.00” and celebrated! I am not really at 0, but getting there.

    This is the way I see it: money is a renewable resource.

    I have seen it that way for a good 20 years and it kept me sane through all that I went through. I will also say, I will not get married without a contract that outlines what is mine is mine, what is yours is yours. I had paid enough of someone elses debts – I will not do that again.

  215.  #215Ragnell on September 16, 2010 at 9:25 pm


    Don’t worry, I got the answer last night. Not from Rori. But from the guy I had a crush on. He said not every man can be attracted to every woman. And that he was not attracted to me and it was nothing I could control but that he’s got a fetish for people with fairer skin and lighter eyes. And I felt humiliated at first, and a bit challenged, like I was forced to compete with this other girl who may or may not exist. But I didn’t. I let him give me whatever he wanted to give me, because first of all, he is my friend. Together we learned to differentiate a sweet caress from a desire to have sex. I am hurt because the way he rejected me was unnecessarily violent, but I also understand that it isn’t easy for him and that there’s a language difficulty that makes him sound harsher than normal.
    I’m ok.
    I’m surviving.
    I cannot make myself turn into someone else, physically. I don’t need to.
    I am confused because I don’t know why he still seeked me and was around me and gave me so much attention and time and physical things. I suspect there was some emotions involved, and he does like and care about me, but I’m not what he wants permanently. He needs someone he is sexually attracted to and for that he needs a girl with a specific hair, skin and eye color.

    His rejection of me has a racial undertone, but I must not take it that way. I like my golden skin as much as I like his cream cheese coloured one. I think my brown eyes sparkle and are deep and mysterious, while his green ones make him look fresh and young.

    He said he understood that he is perceived as exotic in this country. But I can see beyond that and I know he’s quite ordinary. I liked that he was very ordinary, very familiar, and yet special to me. I like that people ask *me* where I come from, even though I am in my native region, because I am a lot more exotic and intriguing.

    So I’m hurt, a little bit, mostly because this came by surprise, but I’m getting better.


  216.  #216Dorothea on September 16, 2010 at 9:35 pm

    I feel concerned, what do you mean violent?

  217.  #217janjune on September 16, 2010 at 9:53 pm


    thanks for all the insights into your online dating experiences… malarky, what a great word for it!!

    but still, i want to do it and feel like there’s treasure hidden beneath all the nonsense.

    i think i’ll back my age up a little, too.
    you know, two men told me i should do that. they said that i don’t look that much younger than my age but that i won’t get dates anyway because they still think you’re lying or using old photos if your photo doesn’t match what you say your age is… and that they just don’t bother with it.

    so what did rori say?… if people routinely think you’re ___ age, put that in your stats but then put your actual age in your profile somewhere? you know, that doesn’t sound like a bad idea.

    and oh yes, i think maybe online dating is a short man’s game!…. 5’10” my a$$!! 🙂

    i remember you giving those three men your number… admire you for doing that! just cut to the chase 🙂 very interesting… but what the heck? so they just want someone to type to at night while they’re watching tv?? that’s what it sounds like if they have attractive, interesting women ready to make actual contact and they peter out.

    that’s what happened with this one i thought i might be interested in here… but when i asked if his photo was current i didn'[t hear anything for two or three days then he wrote back and said “you won’t be disappointed”. well, i thought, “i’ll be the judge of that thank you!” so i wrote back and said meeting him for a few minutes sounded good, AND said i didn’t want to spend alot of time with someone unless we had met. then i didn’t hear back from him.

    i love it that you’re going to be 51 or 52 from now on! keep in touch, okay? i’m taking care of a family member who is very sick and can’t get on here as much as i wish i could…
    i plan on contacting jacqueline by email, maybe we could just start a group list for emails or something… i dont want to miss anything!! but dont have time to keep up with the blog.

  218.  #218janjune on September 16, 2010 at 10:05 pm


    good for you!
    so glad to hear you hit technical zero!

    you all sharing your experiences with all the sirens is such a good wake up call for women to protect whatever assets they carry into a marriage… as you just really never know how another person feels… sorry, i know that’s unromantic, but you just don’t.

    and we can be blinded by romance and by love and hormones but reality is waiting with a big wide board if you misjudge your partner’s intentions…

  219.  #219janjune on September 16, 2010 at 10:18 pm

    i’m going to bed tonight but will get on your blog next time i have a chance to sit by myself for awhile. can’t wait to see what you’ve written.

    congratulations on your ezine articles’ approval!!! and on the best selling author commenting on/contacting you about your work!!!

    i hope we can all get some information flowing among those of us who are finding dating more of a challnge than it used to be, whatever the age.

    it’s just so puzzling listening to each other, because it does seem that the men want women ten years (+/-) younger or ten years (+/-) older than them. i haven’t been contacted by ANYVBODY my age!!! just alot younger or a lot older.

    oh well, this will be interesting. and fun!!

  220.  #220janjune on September 16, 2010 at 10:33 pm


    you sound gorgeous!

    have you read rori’s work on not being friends with men we are in love with if they cannot return that feeling?

    it helps alot to not have to be around someone who is stirring your passions and love and hormones.
    we don’t owe them friendship.
    we don’t have to torture ourselves by being around someone who will not/cannot return our feelings.
    we can expend our energies in other places, places that give us a *return* on our emotional investment!

    we deserve that!

    he will come to you if he wants you.
    he knows how you feel.

    as erika recently said, if her guy doesn’t feel toward her the way she feels toward him, then he’s just not THE ONE!
    Case closed!
    (i’m paraphrasing, but it was something like that.)

    you’ve already felt your feelings,
    spoken your words.
    now draw your boundaries.
    and be surprised!

    but be forewarned… the surprise may be that you don’t want him anymore if he doesn’t come after you… 🙂

  221.  #221Apple Jacks on September 16, 2010 at 10:34 pm


    I was engaged for a little while when during my late teens, early 20s or whatever and the it was broken off because the guy’s mother found a girl who was more fair and much taller, therefore, more attractive. I didn’t want to marry him in the first place, so being rejected when I did not even accept him because of physical characteristics was very upsetting for me but I acted very cool and collected and quickly shoved it out of my mind. Your post suddenly made these feelings flood back. I fee sorry you had to experience this. Hugs to you.

  222.  #222Ragnell on September 16, 2010 at 11:24 pm


    I didn’t know how he felt until he rejected me that way. I was happy being his friend, and when he started asking me out on dates, I welcomed that too. Now that I know what he really wants, I am thankful that we figured out together that we’re not right for each other. I have a clearer idea of who he is and how he feels now, and even though I care about him a lot, I know he’s not someone I can love forever.

  223.  #223Daria on September 17, 2010 at 1:42 am

    Ragnell – i feel furious and outraged reading your post and awful. ugh… i feel so furious. my friend used to tell me that the reason this guy i was in love with – guywhohadababy – wouldn’t marry me was cuz of my ethnicity. it felt horrible. i feel ugh. so strongly outraged and like humiliated. i feel ugh.

    i dont want to believe that about guywhohadababy tho

    but ugh.

    my cousin once dated this guy who had a thing for curly hair too. my cousin has always gotten the guy she wanted, but she had straight hair, and this guy was practically obsessed, pictures all over his computer, ex gf, etc… ugh… things with them were progressing much more slowly than usual …

    until his best friend took over and fell in love with her and they dated for a few months instead

    keep cd”ing girl. ugh. i feel mad reading that. i feel furious. ok. mad . ugh. mad.

    that kinda sounds like bs tho – lots of guys are into only one physical type , but let it be that one girl, even tho everyone else may not even lilke her, and they like – like the ugly girl even. not to say you’re ugly.

    just to say that that sounds werid and creepy

    i feel werided out, esp since he asked you out on datees too… werid. sounds gay.

    i knew a guy like that , and he seemed kinda gay. i mean sure, a guy may really like a physical type, but what guy doesnt try other things? feels weri.d

    i personaly have a VEry sTRONG attraction to a certain particular physical type, and almost none to others, yet, i still date men of all kinds of types…

    and i wind up finding them all attractive ona person by person basis

    this feels really werid

    i feel really mad reading this

    i feel furious

    wow i did the vampire scream tool and found some tangents to being 5 and dude telling me he liked girly girls not tomboys, and also some kinda past life thing of being a gypsy girl left by her lover.


    i don’t like that

    i feel judgemental

    i love my judgemental feeling

    i love my anger

    i love my turnedoffness, my blameness

    my ickness

    i love my outrage and feeling humiliataed ness

    i love my humiliation

    this doesnt feel good

  224.  #224Erika Awakening on September 17, 2010 at 7:43 am

    All right, ladies, I feel very excited … we have almost 20 already confirmed for Sunday’s HBR call … so … we are ON … yay 🙂

    Sunday, September 19, 2-3:30 pm PST

    I’ll be sending out the call-in information shortly, so if you haven’t yet confirmed with Brenda, please do so NOW to secure your slot.

    (If you have friends you’d like to invite to the call who are not already on Rori’s blog, please just let Brenda (mistywindfall @ or me know in advance … the call is open but I’d like to be personally connected to everyone who is on the call before we begin.)

    Looking forward to it … again, the topic is “Releasing Limiting/Negative Beliefs About Men and Embracing the Power of Your Feminine Energy.”

  225.  #225Simply Shannon on September 17, 2010 at 9:15 am

    I feel bummed about missing the call on Sunday. My girlfriend is getting baptized on Sunday, right at the time of the call. I’m choosing the baptism over the call. I wish the call was later, say 8pm EST. Bummer.

    Erika, I mentioned this to Brenda. Will the call be available afterward? I’d love to hear it and understand what it is you do.

    I feel bummed. I am resolved to choosing the baptism over the call though. I feel pouty and whiny. I want to do both.

  226.  #226Lucy on September 17, 2010 at 10:49 am

    Ragnell, thanks for “As Cool As I Am” — that was really haunting and beautiful and healing (for me personally). <3

  227.  #227Lucy on September 17, 2010 at 10:52 am

    “for me one in 10 odds that if we meet in person we continue dating is overblowingly good.”

    I agree, Daria. 🙂

  228.  #228Lucy on September 17, 2010 at 10:58 am

    “so I’m wondering what is the quickest and shortest route to dating more than a month?”

    Well, it depends what you’re looking for, doesn’t it?

    I’m still dating the third guy I ever dated from online — way more than a month — over a year now. So what? My goal isn’t “date a guy for more than a month.”

    My friend who married a man from Match a year ago, had 70 first dates in two years — dated several guys for “more than a month” — and finally found her match.

  229.  #229Brenda on September 17, 2010 at 11:08 am

    RE: Jonathon Aslay’s list of 35 places to meet men, #210…this list is on his website,

  230.  #230Brenda on September 17, 2010 at 11:11 am

    Ragnell, RE: #215 – “he needs a girl with a specific hair, skin and eye color.”


  231.  #231Brenda on September 17, 2010 at 11:21 am


    I wouldn’t want to be with a man like that anyway. I feel sad that people don’t look at the hearts of others and see how valuable each one is, no matter their color or ethnicity. I feel fascinated to meet people of other cultures, and I learn a lot.

  232.  #232Brenda on September 17, 2010 at 11:28 am

    Don’t confuse having less with being less,
    having more with being more, or what you have with who you are.

  233.  #233Lucy on September 17, 2010 at 11:29 am

    Barb and others re: 50+ dating……

    I found that the longer I circular dated using Rori’s guidelines (and pushing past my resistance to certain aspects), the more guys showed up who were the age I am wanting.

    I had to go through phases, it seems — and GET THE MESSAGE from not only individual men, but from the type (or age) of men who were showing up.

    So, for awhile most of them were around the same age as my ex-h — who is eight years older than I am (which didn’t seem like a problem when I married him at 24, but, like TG said, now that I’ve got a do-over, and am almost 50, I would much prefer someone closer to my own age).

    So, after I got the messages from these men (and the one I am still dating is around 53, I forget exactly), the universe saw fit to flood me with 20-somethings and young 30s. This I found ridiculous, but it kept happening, and one of them pursued me for several months and I refused to date them.

    Well, my wise and loving siren sisters strongly suggested that they were showing up for a reason and that they would KEEP showing up and my Mr. Right might be delayed — if I did not at least go out with ONE and get the message.

    So I did. I didn’t get the message right away, but eventually an 18 year old contacted me on pof, and suddenly it all came together and I got my message.

    After that, guess what? Guys started showing up in the 46-50 range — which is perfect for me (I am 48). At this point now, most of them are in that range, with an occassional older or younger one.

    So, my experience is that (as Daria said above), circular dating — with its message-mission — is the way to go — even though you have to go through some dark woods to get to the sunny meadow.


  234.  #234Lucy on September 17, 2010 at 11:30 am

    Hi Shannon, great to see you here! How are things going? <3

  235.  #235Lucy on September 17, 2010 at 11:32 am

    Brenda, I feel shallow because I want a man with lots of hair. I have dated men with a little hair and no hair, though, trying to be open.

  236.  #236Trutle Girl on September 17, 2010 at 11:43 am

    #233-very interesting post. paying attention to the messages and stuff that kept showing up—-yeah….i get that….xxoo

  237.  #237tinque on September 17, 2010 at 11:44 am

    And you will manifest this Lucy.
    I’m not so attracted to baldness, and somehow I’ve never had one show up.

  238.  #238Ragnell on September 17, 2010 at 11:55 am


    I don’t think he’s shallow. I mean, that’s what he wants and what his body will respond to. I’m not it. That’s fine. I’m only hurt because he should have said that before.

  239.  #239Lucy on September 17, 2010 at 12:04 pm

    “And you will manifest this Lucy.”

    Aw, thanks, Tinque! Thank you so much! That feels great to read. Okay, I will believe you!

    Maybe my belief (and guilt) that it was shallow has been a block.

    WH and TN man both have absolutely divine hair — that is a huge part of my physical attraction to them.

    There was a guy on Law and Order last night who had hair like WH’s and he kept running his hands back from his temples against his hair exactly like WH does — it was driving me crazy for WH!!!

  240.  #240Lucy on September 17, 2010 at 12:10 pm

    Wow, Ragnell, this really helps me! “….and what his body will respond to” That helps me not feel shallow about wanting a guy with nice hair — it really IS what my body responds best to.

    Wow, you just never know the breakthroughs you’ll get on here even when you post random stuff! Thanks again, Tinque and Ragnell.

  241.  #241Brenda on September 17, 2010 at 12:41 pm

    Lucy, RE: #235 – For me, I prefer a man to be muscular and tall. But it is one of the lowest things on my priority list. I am far more concerned with what’s in his spirit, mind and heart. Ryan was skinny and I found it wasn’t an issue at all. Sure, I would have enjoyed more muscle. But I felt fascinated with the man inside.

  242.  #242Brenda on September 17, 2010 at 12:43 pm

    Tinque, RE: #237 – Baldness is a pretty big turn-off to me, too. But I wouldn’t walk away from a relationship on that basis. I’ve been around enuff tall, hairy, muscular, handsome jerks to know looks don’t matter in the long term. Inotherwords, if they are rotten inside, doesn’t matter how nice they look on the outside. Give me a bald, fat, sweetheart any day over a good-looking jerk.

  243.  #243Brenda on September 17, 2010 at 12:44 pm

    Ragnell, RE: #238 – I think I understand…you love him, so it’s hard to think bad of him? Send him a copy of the movie, “Shallow Hal”! 🙂

  244.  #244Brenda on September 17, 2010 at 12:48 pm

    Looks matter, to an extent. It is a physical relationship, too, afterall. I liked Ryan’s long hair. I went away for 10 days while I was dating Ryan, and I saw a man with long hair and instantly got wet! So I’m not saying it DOESN’T matter. Just that I’ve adjusted the importance of looks in my mind. Here’s my rating priority:

    #1 – spirit
    #2 – mind
    #3 – heart
    #4 – body

    As an example, the most wonderful man I ever met was so loving and kind. He was fat and balding. I miss him. I wish he weren’t married.

    How do you all feel bout that?

  245.  #245tinque on September 17, 2010 at 12:49 pm

    Of course Brenda. My point was that even though I wasn’t consciously putting it out there that baldness is not a preference, and believe me when I say I was open to anything, men with full heads of hair only showed up for me.
    K has the hair and the body type I prefer (though he has let some softness come in, and I SO don’t care) his face wasn’t at all what I usually went for. I consciously decided on this one to let it go and see what happened and happily so.

  246.  #246summerlove on September 17, 2010 at 12:50 pm

    I cannot find what Rory says about dating!!! am I suppose to date a few men at a time until the man I want commits the way I want??
    If so, what was the quote RORY stated…I cannot find it??!

    “I AM NOT LOOKING FOR A BYFRIEND”??……i forget and cannot find it.

    Also, how do we be honest with the men we are dating about dating other men???

  247.  #247Dorothea on September 17, 2010 at 1:03 pm

    lol, i have a thing for bald guys. like big time.

  248.  #248Lucy on September 17, 2010 at 1:04 pm

    Nah, Brenda, I want a man with great hair, no brains, spiritually dead, with an evil heart. 😉

  249.  #249Lucy on September 17, 2010 at 1:07 pm

    Oh Dorothea! You made my day!!! Now I don’t have to feel bad for them! It feels GREAT knowing there are women who are into bald guys!!! Yay!!!!!

    Just like, whenever I meet someone who is “good with” the elderly, I feel so grateful — because I am not good with that age group, but I want somebody to be, because I love them and care about their well-being and happiness.

    Just like bald men.

  250.  #250Lucy on September 17, 2010 at 1:08 pm

    Dorothea, maybe you like them because they have very high levels of testosterone. 😀

  251.  #251Lucy on September 17, 2010 at 1:13 pm

    I feel excited and hopeful! I feel like I’ve cleared out some limiting beliefs here with this hair thing! Yay! Now maybe I really can manifest what I want.

    That would be very cool.

  252.  #252Brenda on September 17, 2010 at 1:15 pm

    Lucy, RE: #247 – LOL! Well, there’s Ryan for ya! Want me to hook you up? No, just kidding.

  253.  #253Brenda on September 17, 2010 at 1:17 pm


    I like your perspective.

    I am holding out for Ryan in a way. I think he is extremely handsome, and I love his long, silky, brown hair. And, last he told me, he’s working out at the gym. Now if he can just straighten his spiritual self out, I’ll have the whole package! 🙂 YUM!

  254.  #254Ragnell on September 17, 2010 at 2:17 pm

    Re: Bald men.

    Who doesn’t have a crush on Captain Jean-Luc Picard?

  255.  #255AmberS on September 17, 2010 at 2:33 pm


    247- You’d be PERFECT with my EX!!!

    Hehehe. Thanks for your take on the age difference. He missed your cutoff by one year! Whew! Despite the age diff, our kids are going off to college together.

    I do have some of the same concerns you listed. We joke about libido but I’ve got more than everything I want there. We agreed to handle that via pharmaceuticals if it ever becomes an issue. LOL

    I could take up page after page gushing about him, but I’ll just say that he continues to amaze me, particularly in his loving acceptance of everything I am. Everything.

    The biggest struggle I have is the being alone after he’s gone. I’m not afraid of alone, but I’m afraid of the heartbreak. I know that nothing is certain, blah- blah- blah. I really dislike that rationalization for making a choice. I don’t want to duck the issue by hoping it wont come to pass. I’m not too keen on dying before him either!


    Am I willing to accept that as the cost of having this?

  256.  #256Lucy on September 17, 2010 at 2:49 pm

    Amber — “…particularly in his loving acceptance of everything I am. Everything.”

    Yes, that is priceless.

    He sounds wonderful for you and to you.

    Even with what I wrote about age, if a man came along who was older and everything felt really good and right, I would follow my heart and trust my intuition. I would follow my joy and love….. <3

  257.  #257BarbinOz on September 17, 2010 at 4:58 pm

    #217 Janjune

    Well thats really interesting about the photos, they think my photos are old because I don’t look like a 57 year old woman “should” mmmm……..makes sense – honestly I have found it very disheartening the lack of response especially when others on here think my profile is good and my gf’s can’t believe I am still single, but I just don’t seem to attract them……why?? Sure I attract young whippersnappers and old old fogeys, but very few men of my age give or take a few years……..

  258.  #258Erika Awakening on September 17, 2010 at 5:48 pm

    Who cares about biological age? It feels irrelevant to me … I really don’t like categorizing people by superficial characteristics … I don’t like when people do it to me, so I try not to do it to them …

    Anyway, more info going out about the HBR call soon … it will be fun 🙂

  259.  #259AmberS on September 17, 2010 at 8:40 pm



    I am so wanting to just quote Erika at you.


    The lesson for today is

    There is no Erika

  260.  #260girl on September 18, 2010 at 12:08 am

    shablam, I’ve had a mixed feelings day. I appreciate him for waking up at 530am to take me to work today. Mmmm that makes me feel lovey gooeyness, and inspires me to believe that it was faulty thinking to think that chemistry is love. Love is getting up at the butt crack of dawn for someone! And love is feeling appreciation for that kind of stuff. He treated me to a very fancy dinner tonight, which I also appreciate. Although, I feel bad that he dropped about 400$ for food that was not delicious! I couldn’t believe how bad it was. He ordered lobster, and it was so not delicious, that I didn’t even want to eat it. (he agreed, by the way). One great thing about the meal was that we handled things more reasonably in terms of quantity, and I didn’t feel stuffed at all by the end of the meal. I drank just enough wine and champagne to get a bit sleepy for a minute, but I then I switched to water and perked up, but he proceeded to get drunk. Eventually, we met up with some of my ballroom dance students/good friends, and I felt embarrassed by his drunkenness. He couldn’t drive us home. He said he wanted Whataburger, and I was like, “how bout I cook something healthy at home.” He liked the idea. We got home and I realized that we left our super expensive, mediocre (at best) leftovers in his truck. I asked him to get them, but he was all drunk and wouldn’t move. And I was like, no deal baby, I am not taking myself back out there to make your annoying drunkenness more convenient. I was excited about the little snack I was going to prepare for him (the creative process). But he resisted and resisted. And then I got him out the door, but he came back cause he didn’t remember where the truck was. And then I told him, but he came back again. And then I insisted on going down there with him to get the freaking leftovers, and he resisted some more, but I said that I was getting ticked off – I don’t like having to drive us home and be the smart responsible one – I don’t want to be taking care of him. Then we got the stinking crummy leftovers, brought them back up, I stuffed em in a pita and made them delicious, and then he said he didn’t want to eat anything. And I said “It has not felt fun hanging out with drunk D!” He was like “is that my fault, Baby?” I was like, I’m just letting you know I feel frustrated, and I’m letting you know that I’m not up for this.

  261.  #261girl on September 18, 2010 at 12:15 am

    Oh, at dinner he said something about how he would love for me to move up to Boston with him, but he said that first I need to answer a simple question – do I see myself ever having sex with him again? Then we had a conversation about our sexpectations, and he says he’d like to do it at least once a day! nooooooo… I feel annoyed thinking about all that humping and messiness and urinary tract pain. I actually felt sorta turned on by the conversation, cause I liked that he was being ballsy and masculine. He’s moaning and writhing on the couch right now, sleeping, probably suffering from heartburn, and his powerful masculinity is overwhelmed by overindulgence in my eyes.
    Ima pat myself on the back for not joining in this time. pat pat pat.

  262.  #262girl on September 18, 2010 at 12:18 am

    this side of “partying like a rockstar” is not so glamorous. I feel sort of embarrassed of my account of tonight’s messiness. The air just feels murky lately and our relationship feels tainted by all sorts of stuff. I miss the magic….

  263.  #263girl on September 18, 2010 at 12:22 am

    I think I’ll let him sleep on the couch. I don’t feel like escorting his messiness to my room…

  264.  #264girl on September 18, 2010 at 12:25 am

    Here, in person, I still think he’s pretty cute, although I feel worried about how his body is obviously suffering from what he put it through tonight. Especially since we did it up big just 2 days ago. But, writing it out, I feel embarrassed, and exposed

  265.  #265girl on September 18, 2010 at 12:39 am

    Oh, but the most interesting part of our conversation at dinner was when i mentioned that I didn’t necessarily want to be in an exclusive relationship when he goes to Boston. I mentioned that I want to keep my options open, rather than wait around for him. He so did not like that idea. He basically said that he wasn’t going to put up with that at all. Then I think we got distracted by the awful food, and we never concluded….i’m not sure what’s next…

  266.  #266Brenda on September 18, 2010 at 7:42 am


    RE: #259 – Why did you say there is no Erika??

  267.  #267Brenda on September 18, 2010 at 7:44 am

    Lucille, You said, “I would follow my joy and love…”…I really like the way you worded that!

  268.  #268Big Green Eyes on September 18, 2010 at 7:51 am

    google HSP Highly sensitive person. See if this might apply to you. Some people are “wired” differently, and usually people who come from highly dysfunctional families will develop this kind of response to the world. This might change your perspective on yourself, and get you to accept and appreciate your uniqueness. There are also ways to learn how to cope. Hope this helps.
    Big Green Eyes

  269.  #269Ragnell on September 18, 2010 at 9:04 am

    @Brenda, Re: #243

    I’ve realized my feelings for him were not love. There is, i admit, some sort of connection. I felt yearning, deep curiousity about who he really was, a desire to get to know his best and worst sides, a willingness to accept his flaws, a hope to see the best happening to him and to us. I cannot erase those feelings, but it was not love. He was hiding too much, so I cannot say I really knew who he was before feeling this way, so perhaps what I loved was not exactly him.

    He is not shallow. He is just not attracted to me sexually. I understand that. I have to respect that, because it’s nothing I can do to change that. I wouldn’t change my sex for a gay man, and I cannot change my ethnicity for an eurosexual man.

    There is nothing I can change.

    I suspect it was hard for him to say what he had to say. He did not want to hurt me. He did, however.

    I know that better things will come tomorrow. (Or today, later.)

  270.  #270Jessica on September 20, 2010 at 12:37 pm

    Here are the lyrics to “Addicted” by Dan Seals. Sounds familiar doesn’t it??

    She says she hates to sleep alone, but she’ll do it to night
    She wants to grab her telephone, but she knows it ain’t right
    So if he won’t call, she’ll survive, and if he don’t care, she’ll get by
    Climb into bed, bury her head, and cry

    From the beginning he was all anyone could have been
    They were delirious with love; they were certain to win
    Now he’s breaking plans more and more, and he’s leaving notes on her door

    Took a trip out of town, couldn’t turn this one down;
    He said, “I guess I should have told you before.”

    She says she feels like she’s addicted to a real bad thing,
    Always sitting, waiting, wondering if the phone will ring,
    She knows she bounces like a yo-yo when he pulls her string,
    It hurts to feel like such a fool.
    She wants to tell him not to call or come a round again,
    He doesn’t need her now at all the way that she needs him.
    She’s on the edge about to fall from leaning out and in,
    And she don’t know which way to move.

    She wants to be fair; she couldn’t say he was ever unkind,
    But if she could bear to walk away, she thinks he wouldn’t mind
    ‘Cause he just keeps himself so apart and there’s no one else in her heart,
    So she’s taking a dive from an emotional high and coming down hard.

    She’s determined to try, but she’ll still give in when he gives her a call.
    She’ll ask herself why, but in the end it won’t matter at all.
    Sure, she could sit at home, stay inside and sleep alone with her pride
    And as she walks out that door, she feels as weak as before with nothing to hide.

    She says she feels like she’s addicted to a real bad thing,
    Always sitting, waiting, wondering if the phone will ring,
    She knows she bounces like a yo-yo when he pulls her string,
    It hurts to feel like such a fool.
    She wants to tell him not to call or come a round again,
    He doesn’t need her now at all the way that she needs him.
    She’s on the edge about to fall from leaning out and in,
    And she don’t know which way to move.
    She says she feels like she’s addicted to a real bad thing,
    Always sitting, waiting, wondering if the phone will ring,
    She knows she bounces like a yo-yo when he pulls her string,
    It hurts to feel like such a fool.
    And she don’t know which way to move.
    It hurts to feel like such a fool.

  271.  #271Hillary on September 26, 2010 at 8:04 am

    I’m not sure where to leave a comment or ask a question, so I am doing so here…
    I’m in the midst of some heart ache & @ 46 I am REALLLYYY ready to cease these patterns that sabotage my desires & dreams in love. A friend gave me a few of your cds w/ experts, Christian amongst others & I did have epiphanies & yet, some of it I already knew. This is where I am. I met & fell in love w/ a man I met on a year ago. We were planning our lives together. He proposed. I actually moved to HIS location in Montana (I live in Colorado.) It was a BIG change on many levels. He had a lot of drama in the aftermath of a divorce. I realize NOW that I went on a rescue mission, trying to help him THROUGH & to create a place for OUR foundation & our future… What ended up happening is that the more I did, the more ungrateful he seemed. My needs were unmet. @ times he would try & then retreat for my requests seemed daunting to him. (Not demands mind you-but simply speaking my ‘love language’ & having connection, intimacy & communication.) I returned to Colorado for clients (money) & was to return to our life together, when just before that was to happen he told me that he “Couldn’t do this.” He ended our relationship in early August. I went to pick up my things & in seeing me, he changed his mind & we were to try it “long distance” again until we had our footing & he was through more of his issues, etc. *He has a 7 year old daughter who I fell in love w/ too. Since then, he has back peddled again-dropped out w/out a word, explanation or calling for 3 weeks until days ago when he called & apologized & expressed his love for me & gratitude for all that I had done for he & his daughter. It feels as though he misses me but made it clear when I asked what he wanted, that he wants me in his life but does not want talk of the “relationship.” This is my dilemma; I am in love w/ both he & his daughter. I see that I over gave & attempted to PROVE myself lovable. I understand that my desire for having my pictures met pushed him away…& yet how do we recognize when we are choosing someone who is simply wrong for us or when we the need to grow together & cease asking someone to fill our voids?… I am overwhelmed by all that you offer. Money is a concern @ present. I am a beautiful, smart, spiritual, confident women on many levels but in love, I hurt myself time & time again. What program would you sense would best serve me?… The monthly cd series on experts intrigues me but also, there’s a part of me that believes I belong w/ this man & to join his daughter & this family. I want to learn how to heal these patterns in me that push men away. Is my ‘picker’ broken or can this relationship be saved?…. WHAT TO DO? My heart is broken for the loss of yet another love…but moreover~how I lead my sweet & precious self-astray. I want & deserve it all in love…How can I create the space to allow that? Thank you~
    W/ love & gratitude~

  272.  #272ivorystar on October 3, 2010 at 9:26 pm

    This is my first post here. Rori, you have had a lot of impact with me. THis is my first time on your message board and some of your members know a lot more than I do–about themselves, the feminine energy, and they know what they want.

    I am someone who is so disabled by gender confusion that I am completely dysfunctional in relationships. I think you are helping me–I probably need a private session or a series. I know I do feel more successful with men when I stick to your program. I go out a lot and men are very powerfully attracted to me but I feel like I just want to run away back to the safety of my home. I relate most to Brenda when she said she just wanted to be alone in nature and so forth. But I do not send out that signal at all with my appearance or behavior. I am lying, aren’t I?

    Here’s a topic I need to raise bc it has caused me so much agony that I can hardly bear it. The subject is texting. How can we be open and responsive and clever thru this medium without getting that heartwrenching, gut-twisting feeling when he does not text back or it takes too long? What are the rules for texting?

    Thank you, Rori, so much for everything you do. I have your ebook about relationships (right! in my dreams. . . !) and my CD’s in the Siren series are coming tomorrow. I read you every day.

  273.  #273Rori Raye on October 4, 2010 at 10:18 am

    ivorystar – I’ll write a piece about texting…likely a guest post from someone who’s been through a lot of it…meanwhile – try this: Do not attach “meaning” to anything around phone calls or texts. Nothing. Just keep Circular Dating. Love, Rori

  274.  #274ivorystar on October 4, 2010 at 2:22 pm

    Thanks, Rori! I would like that! To hear from someone who has “been through a lot of it” and survived would be totally awesome. I have been though a lot of it myself, I have tried different aproaches. The only one that is sure to work in my case is not to answer at all. rofl