Stop Solving Problems And Get More Love

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It’s so easy to feel angry and push a man away.

Whenever my husband forgets to do something, or isn’t there when I need him or just WANT him, or one of us gets sick and so we go too long without sex, it’s so easy for me to go through my old patterns of feelings and thought….

…I resent that he didn’t do what I wanted him to do, then I feel bad for feeling mad, and then I instinctively want to “make nice” and then I feel resentful again, and then I feel frightened because of the sudden distance between us, and then I want to “talk” about it…and on and on.

And then, I go back over it in my mind, looking into the unfolding of the back-and forth emotions, the in-and-out of authenticity and intimacy between us, and I notice that ALWAYS – what starts the whole thing is that I’ve DONE TOO MUCH. 

I’ve either actually put out too much effort to take care of something or solve a problem – or I’ve believed I HAD to.

I took on an assignment (I may have even made the assignment UP) – and then got into “his business” about it.

Thank goodness, with all my Tools, and all the years we’ve had great communication, this kind of thing plays out very quickly, and always gets resolved with smiles and both of us getting what happened – and I learn something for the next time.

Right now, I’ve noticed that what gets this ball of an old pattern rolling for me is my love of solving problems.  So, what I’m working on, and thinking up new Tools for – is to drop “problem-solver” from my name.  I am, (or was…) Rori Problem-Solver Raye. 

Does this sound familiar?

It’s as though solving a problem – any problem, for anyone out in the world, including politics, the environment – you name it – can so easily become a distraction for me.

A distraction for whatever I might TRULY be feeling – on the deepest levels.

I’m going to do a series of posts on this, with Discoveries and Tools – for now, I want you to do this:

Write down your “problems.”  Write down the things you think about, the things that are taking up space in your mind.  Things about you, about your work, your home, your man.

Don’t judge them or try to do anything other than list them – and post your lists here as comments.  I’ll take your list (and mine…) and let’s get to work!

48 Comments

  1.  #1Reshi on September 25, 2008 at 5:54 pm

    Don’t judge them or try to do anything other than list them – and post your lists here as comments. I’ll take your list (and mine…) and let’s get to work!
    List of problems taking up space in my mind:

    Marriage problems between my husband and me in general
    Being afraid he’ll never tell me he loves me again
    Being afraid he’ll never want to share a bed again
    Being afraid he’ll never want to have sex again
    Being afraid I won’t make enough money
    Worrying that his health will decline because he doesn’t exercise or take care of himself
    Being afraid that if I express anything to him, he will get angry at me and love me less
    Worrying that he’s not attracted to me and is more interested in other women
    Worrying that he’s going to turn out to be a feminine man and I’ll have to leave him
    Worrying that I’ll have to move out of the house or do something equally drastic in order for him to realize he loves me—and planning ahead for that moment
    Worrying that I’ll get fat
    Trying to figure out how I’m going to update my wardrobe with what little money I make
    Trying to figure out how I’m going to tackle the financial problems we have
    Wondering how I’ll ever be able to go back to school and prepare for a better career
    Worrying about the constant aches and pains in my body
    Worrying about whether I’ll ever find love again if I have to get divorced, or if I’m going to be considered “damaged goods”
    Worrying about the fact that my hair is falling out
    Wondering whether I should start dating other men, or whether it’s OK to start dating other men, or whether I even WANT to start dating other men
    Wondering if I have a place to go if I have to get divorced



  2.  #2Daria on September 25, 2008 at 7:11 pm

    Wow this feels fun!

    How I can make my mom be happy and not depressed
    How I can make my God-sister get healthy and not die
    How I can help my God-sister want to find a job or some kind of fulfulling life purpose
    How I can help my God-brother find a job
    How I can help my God-brother be a good man and father
    How I can help my God-brother and sister get back together
    How I can feel closer to my God-sister
    Whether it’s ok for me to give money to people
    How I can get a guy I dated to be a good person
    How I can get a guy I dated and was friends with to heal himself, and better his life
    Worrying my dad’s health will deteriorate because he stresses too much, works too much, and has done the Atkins diet for too long
    Worrying my mom’s physical health will decline because she had a hysterectomy and isn’t totally self concious
    How I can make my butt get bigger and my stomach smaller
    Feeling guilty about dating guys I don’t find sexually attractive
    Worrying that I won’t find a guy to actually come pick me up instead of wanting me to drive
    Worrying that if I start making lots of new friends I’ll be abandoning my old friends
    Feeling like if I don’t pay attention, care for, and love them some of my friends can die from violence
    Worrying that my dad and I will never see eye to eye
    Feeling incompetent because I have information to help other people but don’t deliver it in a effective way
    Feeling guilty that I’m tutoring for a higher income market instead of disadvantaged students
    Feeling like by the time I get powerful enough to really help people it will be too late
    Feeling sad because some people died
    Feeling confused over whether the eye-for-an-eye or the turn-the-other-cheek philosophy is best
    Feeling discouraged because I might not get to be an actress, performer, super successful investor, dancer, writer, and everything I’d like to be
    Feeling worried that if I move to Brazil I’d be abandoning my friends
    Feeling worried that people in my home country are becoming more superficial and sad
    Feeling angry at how the world is run
    Feeling powerless to help it be run the way I want
    Worried that if it was run the way I wanted it would all turn bad because it’s too idealistic
    Feeling scared because I’m 26 and I’m not seriously considering marriage
    Feeling worried because I am getting wrinkles under my eyes
    Feeling worried because I might have a health issue with my kidneys
    Feeling worried that my toes won’t go back all the way to the way they were before I started wearing pointed shoes
    Feeling annoyed that I don’t have the confidence to write/sing the way I do in my imagination
    Feeling frustrated that I won’t get energy therapy to work
    Feeling discouraged that I haven’t made lots of wonderful paintings like in my imagination
    Feeling like I am never really going to feel like writing stories or a book
    Feeling worried my stories and poems are not
    good
    Feeling worried that I will start to crave sex again and feel lonely and lose my power
    Feel annoyed that I don’t have orgasms easily like some people
    Feeling worried that I will hurt certain guys’ feelings if I tell them how I feel
    Feeling frustrated that people from my home country and people I admire over here don’t always share the same views
    Feeling worried that I won’t find any guy to really understand me
    Feeling guilty that if I start seriously dating a guy with a kid I am hurting his kid
    Feeling SOO frustrated hearing my parents fight and knowing I have communication tools available to help but not the tools or confidence to get them to apply them

    WOW, again. I feel speechless.

    I feel heard.
    Thank you for listening everyone, myself included.



  3.  #3Daria on September 25, 2008 at 7:14 pm

    Just wanted to add a comment to Reshi, that although most our problems seem different,
    I really found myself feeling and understanding and having that me too feeling reading your list.

    Please accept my love and support.

    I feel like crying, I felt very moved.

    Thanks.



  4.  #4Rori Raye on September 26, 2008 at 10:52 am

    Oh, my, Reshi and Daria, thank you so much for your lists, I’m blown away – I’m going to take your lists and work with them in more posts. Love, Rori



  5.  #5misha on September 26, 2008 at 12:46 pm

    This post really speaks to me as do the comments about the fears and frustrations people are having. Love the lists. Lord knows, I should make one of my own. I’m really struggling with wanting marriage and not being able to tell that to my boyfriend whom I’ve been dating a year and a half. I have three children and he is very good with them, but he’s very much in flux at the moment with his job and wanting to travel etc. He told me he wanted to take a month and drive around the country yesterday. This of course has left me in quite a state. On the one hand I don’t want him to go, on the other, i want nothing to do with him. I really want security and love and marriage. He wants to buy a house together but as an investment, not to live together, and this seems backwards in order to me. I want to get married first. I really don’t know what to do, how to tell him what I want. I’m so terrified of seeming needy. And so I get angry with him over stupid stuff and I shut him out. Today I told him he seemed very unstable to me what with his desire to travel etc. I told him in feeling messages that I felt nervous and unsure about his place in my life and the lives of my children when he himself didn’t know what he wanted. I wish I could feel powerful and in control again and not be angry. I feel guilty for wanting to be married.



  6.  #6Reshi on September 26, 2008 at 2:24 pm

    Thanks for your support, Rori and Daria. And Rori, this blog is really, really awesome. 😀 There isn’t enough really positive relationship advice out there in the world.



  7.  #7Laurie on September 26, 2008 at 3:16 pm

    My struggle with the hub is comparing him to other men and him not measuring up. I want to connect to him on a deeper level but he is so guarded. He says what he thinks I want to hear and doesn’t share his heart. He is very negative and his self esteem is low and I get tired of that package and wish for him to be a stronger, secure man.



  8.  #8Rori Raye on September 26, 2008 at 4:47 pm

    Thank you, Laurie, this is so common! It’s just hard for us to appreciate a man when we’re angry because we feel like our needs aren’t being met.

    In your marriage, what’s happening is you’ve lost respect for him. He’s totally outgirling you.

    If you have my eBook, Have The Relationship You Want – start with the chapter on Appreciating. Not only will it help you regain some of the feeling you once had for him, it will make HIM feel so much bettter, he might perk up.

    Really stick to the 4 Rules.

    Hey – your “problem” (if you look at it another way) is that your man wants to PLEASE you too much. Think of that as a GOOD place to start. Give him opportunities to please you, and then praise him and appreciate him.

    Let me know how this works – I’ve seen this turn around marriages way worse than yours is now (mine, for instance…) Love, Rori



  9.  #9Rori Raye on September 26, 2008 at 4:51 pm

    Misha, Thank you so much for telling me your story – and I know you know this isn’t about changing HIM. You want something, and he isn’t offering.

    Your job is to strengthen yourself so much, raise your Degree of Difficulty so high, that he’ll come running to claim you – and you can do it.

    If you have any of my programs, or at least my book, let me know here and I’ll pull out some specific Tools for you…otherwise, read over the free eLetters and the posts here on Attraction, and let me know how it goes. Love, Rori



  10.  #10misha on September 26, 2008 at 10:11 pm

    Many thanks for answering my comment. I would like to raise my degree of difficulty as well as change what I am capable of changing, and let that which I can’t change alone. I have all your programs, and love them all. I don’t have the siren one, but that’s next. In the meantime, what are some of the tools I might revisit to raise my degree of difficulty. As always, thank you for your work on this site and with us!
    Misha



  11.  #11Stacey on September 30, 2008 at 7:42 pm

    my list of problems:

    -my job environment feels toxic and not financially sustaining (or prosperous) but i’m scared to leave because it’s easy and safe and allows me to pursue my dreams
    -when will i ever own my own home and be financially prosperous?
    -there is a man i like and it seems we are both only comfortable with sex, pretty much. but i have dreams of a romantic relationship. i am open to dating. been on a few dates. i am picky bc some guys are too interested too quick and it scares me.
    -where will the money come from to finish my book?
    -my body. i want to get more massages to get rid of the kinks. money issue again.
    -worried maybe i’ll never have the life i want because of all of my fears with intimacy
    -worried i am a complete and unrecoverable narcissist.
    -worried i won’t get the time to do all i want to do.
    -worried i am not perfect.i know intellectually i do not need to be perfect but on an emotional level i feel like i won’t get to have love or success or money or anything good until i am perfect. and that sucks because i will never be perfect.
    -feel guilty that i don’t want to hear about or focus on politics or the bad things in the world and only want to laugh and have fun (and be rich)



  12.  #12B on October 6, 2008 at 7:36 pm

    My list:

    1. Feel scared that I’m not going to finish school on time because I’m so obsessed with this guy.
    2. Feel scared about what kind of job I’m going to get-don’t really know what I want to do.
    3. Feel horrible that I snapped at my guy today because of the anger and jealousy I’m carrying.
    4. Feel scared that he’ll drift away and leave me for someone who is better than me.
    5. Feel so unbalanced because I don’t know when he’s going to call or what he’s thinking.
    6. Feel scared that I’ll be devastated if this doesn’t work out.
    7. Feel scared to tell him that I felt jealous the other day when he texted me about this other girl.
    8. Feel bad about being sexual early into the relationship and scared that he will think I’m cheap and not value me.
    9. Feel bad about spending so much time with him and my work suffering because of it.
    10. Feel unworthy of him because he’s so “cool.”
    11. Feel scared that no other guys are asking me out–where are they?
    12. Feel scared that I’ll always be alone.
    13. Feel scared that if this new thing does work for now, what’s going to happen if it has to be long-distance?
    14. Feel awful that I’m maybe in the wrong career.
    15. Don’t want to disappoint my family.
    16. Feel bad that I’m not working out or eating as well as I should.
    17. Feel scared that I will be ashamed if this doesn’t work out and people at work will gossip.
    18. Feel scared that he won’t be able to provide for me and that I will end up carrying the financial responsibilities.
    19. Feel horrible and embarrassed that I am feeling so needy and desperate.



  13.  #13Rori Raye on October 6, 2008 at 10:46 pm

    Fantastic, B – now do the next steps with the themes and the Flips – can you see that it’s all fear – and yet you’ve got anger here.?..so you have “I’m not good enough, I don’t deserve anything good, and I’m damn angry about it!” Then there’s – I’m a disappointment, my life is about others.” Can you see how responsibility for holding the world up is on this glorious list? And I say glorious because I can also see the Power in here. I see you HOLDING YOURSELF BACK. I can see that there’s a part of you that really feels powerful (you CAN carry the financial responsibilities…you ARE powerful enough to disappoint someone…you ARE powerful to let up on some things that are important to you by choosing other things (him).

    Follow the steps and accept all these fearful and angry thoughts, love them, flip them into Power…give it a try and I’ll tweak it. Good for you! Love, Rori



  14.  #14B on October 7, 2008 at 8:57 am

    Thanks, Rori! Here’s my attempt at flipping, except I’m going to add another to my list first: feeling scared that when I told him my feelings that it exposed me as a predictably jealous, needy girl. I’m going to flip that to feeling proud that I can use my anger to let my insides show, and that my insides are soft and girly but also strong, and that’s a good thing…I felt jealous because I care about him, and that’s a good thing, to have caring feelings for someone. Or maybe it’s powerful to know that if I push him away I have the power to affect him and make him uncomfortable and call him on the things that feel weird to me.

    1. Feel powerful to know that I can choose to finish school or not.
    2. Feel excited about all my different choices after graduation
    3. Feel good to know that I have anger and jealousy and that they’re there to protect me.
    4. ?
    This is hard! All I can do for now…



  15.  #15Marplot on October 8, 2008 at 10:37 pm

    1st of all Rori, thank you for making this website and the ebook- I really feel like this is the information that I have spent the last two years looking for.

    1. I feel scared that I’m stupid
    2. I feel scared that I’m gross
    3. I feel scared that I will not be able to loose extra 30 pounds to become thin.
    4. I feel scared that I’m slacking off in school
    5. I am scared that I will not like my future job
    6. I’m scared that I’m not good enough for my crush
    7. I’m scared that I’m overweight
    8. I feel guilty that I don’t spend enough time with my pets
    9. I feel guilty that I am loner instead of a social butterfly
    10. I feel guilty that I’m not doing extra activities to improve my resume
    11. I’m scared that I’m going to have to end my friendship with my crush
    12. I feel guilty that my crush is currently my closest friend- and that I haven’t formed strong bonds with non related women
    13. I feel embarrassed that I have trouble pronouncing words
    14. I feel guilty for spending so much time on the internet checking up on stuff like email and face book
    15. I feel guilty that I’m not doing fun adventuresome stuff during my free time
    16. I feel scared that I am so negative and boring to many of the people I talk to
    17. I feel scared that I might have picked the wrong major
    18. I feel bad that I am very judgmental
    19. I feel embarrassed that I often act very annoying when I’m playful
    20. I feel embarrassed that I still haven’t gotten over my crush and just stayed friends
    21. I feel guilty that I don’t apply to more scholarships
    22. I feel guilty that I don’t spend more time doing homework
    23. I feel confused about wanting sex but also being afraid of it
    24. I feel unattractive because of my weight
    25. I feel like I have been making more improvements lately
    26. I feel scared that I’m really annoying
    27. I feel scared that I don’t know where my boundaries are and if my feelings are overreactions
    28. I feel guilty that I have not been working out or eating as little as I should be
    29. I feel confused about if i should have sex before or after I get married
    30. I feel guilty for yelling so much at people in the past
    31. I feel guilty for having too high of an expectation for
    32. I feel guilty for not listening to people many times
    33. I feel guilty for not calling my mom enough
    34. I feel scared and embarrassed about being incompetent

    Basically I mostly feel mostly guilty followed by scared. This sorta of surprised me- I thought that I would have more fear than guilt. Wow and its pretty long. But I will deal with them tomorrow.



  16.  #16Andrea on October 14, 2008 at 8:30 am

    Thank you Rori for dedicating your life’s purpose to sharing your experiences and helping others over come.

    1. My negative thinking
    2. the impulse to fix
    3. the impulse to understand what is wrong
    4. the obsession to seek out forms of “help” to self medicate my pain that may not be helpful through tv, internet, and books
    5. to be obsessed with a relationship that is hurting me yet still keep hope alive to it will turn out.
    6. Headaches
    7. nauseous
    8. Debt
    9. Rent
    10. Mortgage
    11. Landlord/roommate
    12. Tenants pressuring me to do something
    13. Playing the last conversation I had with the guy I thought I was going to marry over and over in my head to make sure I did the right thing and yet never being sure that I did.
    14. Isolating myself to my room
    15. Hanging out with someone else who has low self esteem and feeling the need either to show her faults or fix her.
    16. feeling friends are scarce.
    17. afraid of losing my parents
    18. feeling that I’m inadequate for my job
    19. not knowing if I have my current job, still holding the title of “interim”
    20. Not having the income to freely do those things that could help me.
    21. Feelings of hoplessness that I can’t cure myself from the black cloud hanging over my head.
    22. Taking too much time from work or not having enough time accumulated to take any time.
    23. Beating myself up that I have allowed a man/myself to do this to me.
    24. Never really being sure that I am doing the right thing.



  17.  #17Andrea on October 14, 2008 at 9:32 am

    There are more problems I’d like to add to my list:

    25. Feeling embarrassed that I let this relationship go on for three years and still feeling unhappy
    26. I feel guilty/sad that I do not have the friendships I want
    27. I’m scared that I will never have what I want.
    28. feeling guilty that I am not motivated to eat healthy or exercise
    29. feeling bad and guilty that I have to talk myself into doing things and not just happy and blissful and just do them.
    30. feeling the pressure to always have something to do on the weekends so that I don’t get depressed or feel like a loser.
    31. Seeing my friends happy and wishing that I could be like them.
    32. Feeling guilty that I still have to borrow money from my parents
    33. Feeling the need to talk to someone on a daily basis to keep my mood stable and my thinking clear and positive.
    34. feeling addicted to the man I thought I was going to marry. Do I truly love him or do I need to win? Does it matter that I love him?
    35. Feeling bad that my work/life is suffering because of my depression and powerlessness to have this man.
    36. feeling like a failure that I have not made my goal of doing well on the LSAT a reality, I’ve given up.
    37. feeling that God forsaken me when he allow the this charming man into my life knowing that men are my downfall and I have already been beaten up before.
    38. Being angry with God for the many unanswered prayers.
    39. Feeling guilty that I’m portraying “whoa is me” and being tired of it.
    40. Spending money to recover and never getting anywhere.
    41. Feeling alone.
    42. Feeling judgmental when around people and feeling bad that my heart is closed because of it and I desperately want to be open and happy.
    43. Feeling scared.
    44. Feeling worried that I won’t find a guy who will be faithful to me or who loves and wouldn’t do anything to hurt and loves me unconditionally.
    45. Always worried that I will think of another problem.



  18.  #18Annie on October 14, 2008 at 7:29 pm

    Hey Rori,

    Here is my abbreviated list of fears:

    1. My relationship will be irreparable.
    2. I will be unable to overcome my fear of intimacy.
    3. No potential relationship will feel comparable.
    4. I will throw in the towel on passion.
    5. I will be unable to sustain thoughts that feel good.

    Love to all of you, Annie



  19.  #19Rori Raye on October 15, 2008 at 10:37 am

    Annie – fantastic – and I want you to write more.

    These are fears – very powerful, yes…and driving forces. Your “Theme” here is basically one of “giving up.” That nothing you want is possible and you will sooner or later give up – so why even DREAM. I want to help you turn that around, so let’s get more baby-step specific.

    Write down PROBLEMS. Things you’re always trying to solve in your head. Use these other amazing lists for models, and get it all out of your head and down on paper.

    I want the “little” ones. The problems that consume your mental energy.

    And then I want you to go to the next step and Flip them to the WANT that’s underneath. Love, Rori



  20.  #20Annie on October 15, 2008 at 12:33 pm

    I can’t think of any. Those ARE the problems that consume my mental energy. I don’t think about much else.

    I looked over the other lists and still can’t think of anything else.

    Here are some other things I think about occasionally:

    I wonder what I should wear today?
    I wonder what I could do that I would love doing and get paid for at the same time?
    I wonder if I could train my cats to use the toilet instead of the litter box or if that would be even messier to clean?
    I wonder how I can clean the windows outside my bedroom without risking falling out of them?
    I wonder what I should do about the grill Brandy and I bought together that I don’t know how to use?
    I wonder what to do about all the clothes that need to be fixed or tailored in some way before I can wear them?
    I wonder when my bios will get straightened out?
    I wonder how my kids are doing?
    I wonder why I am trying to think of more problems that make me feel bad, instead of thinking about things that make me feel good?

    Love again, Annie



  21.  #21Rori Raye on October 15, 2008 at 1:18 pm

    Okay – thank you Annie – these are great. Now flip all of these into the underlying WANT.

    Let’s say we start with this easy one – “I wonder how my kids are doing..” First – let’s restate that as a real problem – “I worry about my children and how their lives are going.”

    Now – turn THAT into “I want my children to be happy. I want my children to have everything. I want my children to love and adore me. I want to provide my children with anything they want. I want to KNOW everything is fine…”

    These are WANTS…so, go ahead, try this.

    Love, Rori



  22.  #22ann on October 18, 2008 at 2:43 pm

    OK I think I finally found the first post in this series. Problems huh?

    Feeling like roommates with my husband, and not knowing if I really want to change that.
    Not knowing if I really have a desire for him anymore.
    Feeling like my family is falling apart.
    Not having any training for a job if my family falls apart.
    Not feeling really connected with anyone.
    worrying about my families health.
    worrying as I make changes can I keep them or will I revert back to old
    ways..
    worrying my friends might leave.
    feeling like I’ll never be able to communicate effectively, people won’t understand they’ll just think I’m being men & a bitch.
    feeling like this is so far back in this blog that no-one will see it.
    feeling angry because there is so much ME, ME, ME, in this world, it’s like people don’t care about others.
    feeling confused on the flip side, because I need to be more concern about me first.
    hell will I ever be happy or will I just exist?
    fearing old age I’m almost to that big 50.
    feeling like I’ll never get my self esteem & confidence up to a good level for me.

    should add fear my computer won’t let me post & participate in this healing journey or I’ll lose my computer becauseI can’t pay for it.

    these are the main ones, WHEW I didn’t expect to write this much.



  23.  #23Christine on October 22, 2008 at 9:44 am

    I worry about my weight and generally being/feeling attractive.
    I worry and feel guilty about being too attractive and enjoying being flirtatious with men other than my husband.
    I worry that I compare my husband to other men too much.
    I worry that I’m too negative.
    I worry that I’m like my mother who was really nasty to my father and that I don’t even see it.
    I worry about my husband’s depression. Like Laurie I want him to be stronger. He says what I want to hear and then blows up later.
    I worry about not having anyone to count on and feeling alone.
    I worry if I’m too strict or lenient with my children.
    Staying on top of kid’s school work/events.
    Paying bills, feeling like I’m the only one concerned about whether the bills get paid or not.
    Worried about people liking me at work.
    General fear of saying or doing the wrong thing – get panic attacks sometimes.
    Worried about household chores – and really bored about them too!
    Think about nice things I want and then get depressed because I used to have nice things and they got broken or that I will NEVER have extra money to spend on myself.
    Feeling like I don’t deserve anything I want.

    Wow, I only wrote down 5 things and it multiplied when I started typing.



  24.  #24Rori Raye on October 22, 2008 at 12:13 pm

    Christine, Welcome – and thank you for your list. Yes – once you start writing, it all comes pouring out.

    Before you move on to Step Two, the Flip – do this:

    Break down these huge worries into smaller “problems” – the problems that keep you in your head all day long – the problems that come up that you’re trying to solve in order to fix the whole BIG issue.

    Your list will be even longer.

    Then go for the FLIP.

    Love, Rori



  25.  #25Cassandra on October 27, 2008 at 3:05 pm

    Ok…..I think that I have finally found the beginning of the lists and work that everyone has been working on and seeing such awesome results. Rori, please let me know if this is not the beginning as I don’t want to miss a step and want to do all them so I don’t miss anything in the process.
    Here is my list of problems:
    -will I ever be TRULY happy with me?
    -worrying that in my quest to be happy with me that I will lose some of the real me
    -scared to be REALLY me because everyone in my life that is important to me has told me that I am too emotional
    -scared to show my emotions if they are not good
    -scared to really even FEEL my emotions unless they are good
    -scared that I wil never be married or have children
    -terrified that at 40 I am now too old to have a baby
    terrified that no one will want me if my engagement ends
    -scared to talk to my fiance’
    -scared to let him see any emotions other than the good ones
    -scared to tell him what I need
    -scared he won’t care what I need based on his previous actions
    -scared to leave him
    -scared to stay with him
    -scared that I am losing time so damn fast!
    -scared that I got laid off
    -scared that I will have to go back to work doing something that I am good at but hate
    -scared of being alone
    -I feel so disgusted that I have gained weight
    -feel that I can’t regain control of my eating
    -scared that I am unattractive to everyone
    -I feel so scared that I will never recover emotionally if my engagement ends
    -scared that this is not a real engagement
    -scared that if I do leave that if I am even able to allow another man into my life that it will be the same emotionally abusive relationship
    -feel that I can’t ask for what I want
    -feel that I don’t deserve what I want
    -feel that I can’t be who I am freely without judgement
    -feeling so damn alone
    -feeling as though no one cares
    -feeling like if I fell off of the face of the earth that no one would even notice muchless care
    -feeling angry that I feel depressed
    -feeling like I will never be the person that I was before my fiance’ was in my life
    -feeling like I will never do the things that I love again
    -I am terrified that I will never sing again or dance again
    -feeling that I am not worthy of a good relationship/ marriage
    -scared that no one will eanty to marry me
    -feeling like the only man that would marry me is going to be 4 feet tall, bald and have no teeth
    -feeling that I will never be what I am supposedto be
    -feeling scared that I will never do what I am truly called to do – on the level that I am called to do it
    -feeling scared that I keep falling for the same kind of man
    -feeling angry that I was not protected as a child emotionally
    -feeling angry that I feel angry at my mother
    -hating feeling angry at my mother and wanting a rgood relationship with her
    -feeling so damn mad that she chose her dogs over me
    -feeling angry that that makes me sad
    -feeling afraid to move or even breath
    -feeling afraid to move out of our home
    -feeling angry that I have to move after giving up everything for my fiance’ because he is not ready to get married yet but claims to still love me and want to marry me ,,,,someday
    -feeling so damn mad that I gave up everything for this man
    -hating him
    -loving him and hating that I love him
    -feeling that I still want us to be together and so afraid to lose him
    -terrified of what is going to happen to me
    -scared of losing people that I love even if they have mistreated me
    -pissed of that I can’t let go of people that have mistreated me
    -angry that I call him when he is on the road and that he does not call me that much
    -angry that I take care of my fiance’
    -still wnat to take care of him
    -want to be taken care of
    -want so desperately to be cherished and loved
    -feeling like I am asking for the moon by wanting to love and be truly loved for me
    -feeling as though I will never have that
    -feeling that I have to settle or be even more alone that I am now
    -feeling that I want to let go and let GOD do it all but I can’t
    -feeling that I can’t trust anyone…..even GOD
    -feeling like I am on an island in the middle of nowhere…all alone and terrified
    -scared that no one would even look for me
    -wondering if I even have power anymore
    -feeling like i love myself but everyone else says that I don’t
    -angry that they say that
    -hate that no matter whant I do everyone still thinks that I don’t love myself
    -angry that perhaps I don’t
    -don’t know what to do about that
    -pissed that I want and need love so damn much
    -pissed that I can’t seem to have it even when I give and give until I have nothing left for me
    -angry that I moved here for my fiance’ and don’t have any friends here which makes me so dependent on him
    -feel so hurt that he does not spend very much time with me even when he is home
    -pissed that he is not who he sadi he is
    -pissed that I feel that he has broken my spirit
    -mad that even so…I still love him

    Love and hugs to all…….



  26.  #26Melissa on November 3, 2008 at 12:29 pm

    Write down your “problems.” Write down the things you think about, the things that are taking up space in your mind. Things about you, about your work, your home, your man.

    *Why my boyfriend can’t communicate with me
    *Does my bf really care or is he just clueless
    *Am I wasting my time?
    *How many bills I have to pay
    *My new classes started today and I don’t have my books yet
    *I hate my job but it pays for my education
    *How I hurt inside right now because of my trying to talk to my bf yesterday using feeling messages and feel I got nowhere with it.
    *Wondering what step to take next… do I tell him that I miss being with him or do I just keep this resentful feeling inside?
    *Will I ever be recognized for the work I’ve done at my job for the past 9 years
    *Will I ever move up or will they continue to hire the 20 somethings fresh out of college instead of promoting me so I don’t have to train my boss again.
    *Will I ever be financially stable enough to buy a house so my kids don’t have to live in the 3rd floor apartment forever and I can actually have a bedroom for ME instead of the living room on a pull out couch.
    *Will I ever be free and happy in a relationship ever again
    *Will my ex husband move 20 hours away not caring about seeing his kids



  27.  #27Linda on November 7, 2008 at 7:13 am

    Write down your “problems.” Write down the things you think about, the things that are taking up space in your mind. Things about you, about your work, your home, your man.

    1 I am a single mother, although by choice
    2 My children & I live with my parents
    3 I spend money compulsively with no boundaries
    4 I tend to mourn, grieve over ended relationships
    5 I stay too long, turning my foiled relationships into imaginary ones
    6 I have difficulty holding down a job
    7 I have friends who are toxic
    8 I have far too few friends
    9 I’m staring to feel I am too old for a real relationship, a romantic one
    10 I have been raised to think a man is going to rescue me
    11 I cannot get a man to commit
    12 most of my boyfriends marry the next girl they meet
    13 I don’t exercise any more
    14 I have a daughter with special needs
    15 I have trouble providing the necessary structure in my home
    16 I am becoming the caretaker for my elderly parents, whom I love
    17 For the first time, I am feeling overwhelmed
    18 I miss my dog who died last winter
    19 my brother thinks I am a loser
    20 I am convinced the man I am estranged from is actually the man who can help me grow, and respects me most
    21 writing this list is very depressing
    22 I will never be able to properly provide for my children financially
    23 I can never be enough of what they need
    24 my sister in law seems to be the only one in my family with a vaguely high regard for me
    25 I am a terrible housekeeper and I really don’t care
    26 I am living well beyond my means, spending money for my own vanity and consolation
    27 I love my daughter but I am afraid I am not equipped to help her enough
    28 my son needs a proper male role model
    I feel like my life hasn’t even started yet and I’m past 50
    29 I have been raised to hide my age, to lie to men because I am too old, not pretty enough
    30 I have never been the right age, the proper status
    31 the last group of close friends I had a real connection with all live in Europe
    32 I have never been able to connect with anyone since
    33 I always feel betrayed by my boyfirends, my family
    34 I am terribly unorganized
    35 I have forgotten how to paint
    36 I have lost myself and nobody seems to miss me
    37 I am highly selfish and self centered
    38 I have always been victim of defining myself by my relationships with men
    I ahev one close girlfriend I adore but I hardly ever see her
    39 I feel weak around her because she knows my troubles
    40 This is just the beginning, I see a pattern here yikes!



  28.  #28Sarah on November 7, 2008 at 9:55 am

    I have wasted a lot of money on my education and I feel stupid for that because I havent achieved anything
    I have ruined my career because I was so involved with someone who doesn’t care about me or maybe he does but he wants to be free
    I feel like I have let a lot of people down and especially my career goals
    I had so many dreams I have let them go I never really cared much for them but I did treasure them
    I feel like I only cared about being liked by guys or having a bf to spend time with
    I feel like I can’t spend time with friends
    I feel like I have very very low self-esteem
    I feel hurt about being made fool of in my team
    I feel angry at myself for not doing my work upto the standard
    I feel angry at myself and really hurt and really scared for all these things and for the future
    I feel like I dont care about myself at all about what I eat I dont eat most of the time nowadays
    I feel like all I do is think about this guy and worry and Im messing and missing everything
    I feel like I am trapped I am very very shy and I dont really have any clue as to where to go from here
    I feel as if I have ruined EVERYTHING
    I feel I can be strong if I could have a plan
    I feel like I like working with plans but ive just lost all my strength and all my ideas and everything
    I feel like I have no way of getting a career that I wanted and I can’t support myself and let EVERYONE down who has worked for me I only wanted to be loved and be happy and I feel as if only guys can make me happy

    ok i think thats enought for right now! thanks



  29.  #29gina on November 9, 2008 at 6:22 pm

    Rori thanks for what you do. Here’s my list…

    I worry that I’m “weird” and that no guy will like me
    I worry cause the skin on the back of my leg feels bumpy and unnattractive
    I worry cause I have a bad habit of picking any clogged pore or blemish
    I worry that it has cost me huge opportunities with love and career (modeling/TV)
    I worry that I shouldn’t have left Chicago
    I worry that I failed in NY
    I worry that important people know I failed
    I worry that another girl got picked over me
    I worry that I can’t get back “on top”
    I worry that I can’t dance and that men want a woman who can move freely
    I worry that the business I am starting is frivolous and won’t survive in our current economy
    I worry that our country is going to deteriorate and become communist
    I worry that I’ll never make a lot of money
    I worry that I’ll never leave this town
    I worry that if I leave this town, it will hurt my parents feelings
    I worry that I’m not very nice
    I worry that I’m clumsy and can’t do anything right
    I worry that I’m getting old, and that I should just get a regular job
    I worry cause I was blessed with a very lucky opportunity in the past and it ended. I blame myself, and I worry that I’ll never be so lucky again
    I worry that there’s something wrong with me because I’m so “in my head” that my performance is low when i could be good and competent



  30.  #30Becca on November 10, 2008 at 4:18 am

    Hi guys,

    I felt so inspired reading your lists and am glad that I am not the only one scared and worried. Rori, thank you so much for this blog! It is great to know there are people who care out there. Your comments uplift me 🙂

    Here are my “problems”:

    1. I worry that he broke up with me and I still love him
    2. I feel afraid because he hasn’t contacted me in 3 weeks
    3. I feel afraid that he may have moved on already and we’ll never be together again
    4. I feel scared that I’m not ready to date again or that I’ll just compare other men to him
    5. I feel scared because I enjoy spending time with other men and that they might like me and want something more
    6. I worry that if he does contact me I might say the wrong thing and push him further from me
    7. I feel scared about moving interstate for work but that if I don’t go I might regret it
    8. I wish my Mum wouldn’t worry so much about everything
    9. I wish my Dad would take an interest in his health and lose weight
    10. I hope my brother and sister finish their uni courses and wish I could help them
    11. I feel scared that things might not change enough or too much or too fast or that I won’t be able to handle everything
    12. I worry about finding someone who is forever even though I feel too young to get married at 23
    13. I worry that I miss what I had with him so much
    14. I feel confused when I like other guys
    15. I worry that I am selfish because I am so young and worrying about things I shouldn’t at my age when I have so much of my life ahead of me to live
    16. I worry that I’m too scared to use feeling messages sometimes and that if I do people might think I’m being flaky
    17. I worry that if I let myself be vulnerable I will get hurt so much
    18. Worrying that I won’t ever afford a place of my own or have a family
    19. Wondering if I’ll ever love anyone as much as I loved him or more
    20. Worrying about my sisters operation
    21. Worrying that I have so much to learn and not enough time
    22. Worrying that I might lose my power and become needy or insecure in a relationship again
    23. I worry that I won’t perform in the new job if I take it
    24. I worry that my impulses to be helpful are what pushed him away and might push men away in the future
    25. Wishing I was more decisive and knew what I want
    26. Scared of moving away from my family and friends
    27. Not liking it when I am jealous of couples
    28. Worried that I shouldn’t feel so scared or confused or sad or overwhelmed or lonely or nervous
    29. I worry that I might turn into my parents and I don’t want to
    30. Scared that I might actually move on from him and it might feel ok but still sad
    31. Scared that clarity means I can actually choose who and what I want to be instead of making excuses anymore and scared I might forget this
    32. Scared that I am too shy sometimes and stop myself from doing things that should be easy
    33. Scared of feeling trapped even though I know I have choices
    34. I worry that I think too much sometimes and overanalyse things
    35. I worry that my problems are lame or unimportant and that I shouldn’t worry about them



  31.  #31Tanya on November 28, 2008 at 8:46 pm

    Hey I loved this idea. Here is my list.

    Why my bf won’t grow up?
    Why my bf won’t change for me and his family?
    Do I always want to please people?
    Why am I always trying not to hurt peoples feelings?
    I want to be so much closer to the Lord?
    How to be a much stronger woman?
    Always want to be able to tell what is on my mind?
    Have the corage and strength to walk away when I know to?

    These are the top of my list so thanks for this opportunity Rori.



  32.  #32Rori Raye on December 1, 2008 at 3:45 pm

    Tanya, Welcome, and make sure you go through all the posts in order, and do all the steps. Your list here has both problems and Wants – so read the instructions for each post, and write out your lists very specifically, so you can feel the difference between them and move through them. Love, Rori



  33.  #33nir on December 8, 2008 at 8:02 am

    “Write down your “problems.” Write down the things you think about, the things that are taking up space in your mind. Things about you, about your work, your home, your man.”

    Problems:
    -I have mental illness because of abuse and it makes me afraid of sex. I worry that this has destroyed my marriage, because he thinks he’s ‘protecting me’ by not having sex with me. I worry that he’s got someone else and is trying to ‘protect’ me by lying and saying he doesn’t. That’s the one thing I can’t deal with, him lying to me. That would end it, and I’m terrified of that happening.
    -He’s depressed all the time and has let himself go. He says that he doesn’t care what happens to him after the kids move out, and I think he wants to die. He drinks heavily and has all sorts of health problems now, and he used to be in good shape. I worry that he’s going to get really sick and I’m already overwhelmed and I can’t take care of him. I feel angry that he’s going to burden me this way, as he has some idealistic idea that he’ll just ‘drop dead’ once the kids are out the door, not understanding the horror that dying of liver disease is. I also am furious that he would consider doing this to his children. He says he doesn’t care, that he’s got life insurance, but with the economy the way it is the place will probably go bankrupt and I’ll never see a dime of it. I don’t expect it from him.
    -I worry that I don’t love him anymore and am coming to hate him. He won’t see a dentist or a doctor, and always smells bad with bad breath. Sometimes I hate going to bed at night.
    -I feel trapped. I can’t work due to my mental illness and he’s my only means of support. He is a good provider, but I want so much more than that. I want someone who loves me.
    -I feel as though he doesn’t love me. The only thing I’ve ever asked for in my marriage was that he dance with me. He doesn’t show any interest in that, refuses to at parties where there’s dancing, and won’t even go to those kinds of things anymore. I’ve learned to like EVERYTHING he does, and it hurts me so badly that he won’t even try to learn one simple thing. I don’t know why I even married him.
    -I feel ugly, fat, and stupid. I feel gullible for believing that he would ever change. It hurts so bad when he says he doesn’t care about our relationship or anything changing. I feel like maybe it’s my fault, that I’m the one to blame for him being like he is now.
    -I worry about my kids and what they are seeing. I don’t want them to think that this loveless shell is what marriage is about.
    -I worry about my daughter, who’s engaged. I worry when she skips school. I’m worried that she wants to move far away to go to college, that maybe she doesn’t want to be here anymore because I’m a bad mother.
    -I feel so awful all the time. My house is a mess. I can’t get my kids to help, and they’re teenagers. I worry that they’ll be mocked by everyone when they’re in the real world, because they refuse to learn to do anything for themselves. I wanted so much for them to have it better than I did, but it’s all turning out to be for nothing.
    -I’m worried about the economy, my husband losing his job, us going hungry, like when I was a kid.
    -I worry that I’m doing too much but I don’t know how not to, if I say anything about him helping more he says things like ‘if you don’t like it then leave’. I’m afraid to say anything now because I don’t want to leave. I feel like a single mother a lot of times.



  34.  #34Liz on December 18, 2008 at 9:41 am

    OK, guess I did this a little out of time, and you don’t know my whole story, and ‘hermetic’ has always been my middle name =0), but anyways, here it goes:

    – Not knowing what will happen in my job, they let me know I can be here until January, and I’m afraid of what will happen
    – Afraid I won’t make it financially, I am already very weak in that area
    – Afraid my bf moved away because of his work, about loving him so much and not seeing him again. Can’t talk to him about this because he says he wants to be together forever, and always writes about that in his e-mails and when we talk on the phone
    – Afraid the ‘logistics’ fact or the ‘different religions’ issue will end up separating us =0(
    – Hopin so much he is the man for me, I’ve asked the Lord for signs and He has given them, but wanting so desesperately for things to smooth out
    – Worried he says he sometimes is like a kid (both in the good and bad way), and sometimes even like my mom (I’ve had an abusive relationship with her, and don’t want to ever, ever repeat patterns on that), even though he is very kind, caring, and protective (it also makes me feel bad when he says and pretends he isn’t)
    – Wanting to go live on my own, but finances won’t let me
    – Worried I won’t be able to ever make up with my mom, or practically and emotionally survive her until I can move on
    – Worried about my poor finances, my top priority getting out of debt, and having also to sustain my mom
    – Angry and frustrated financial issues are keepin me from so many things
    – Wanting to be a translator and study Psychology, and being afraid I won’t have the time/money means to do so (I am 28)
    – Wanting to be financially free
    – Knowing I am a lightworker, but not knowing how to do it
    – Wanting to be sure about my path and what God wants me to do in all areas of my life
    – Wanting everything to be OK with my mom, bf, within my family, etc.
    – Sooo afraid I won’t see my bf again, or we won’t end up together, and then hating me for sending such ‘bad vibes’, and not being positive and faithful in the Lord 100% of the time



  35.  #35Rori Raye on December 18, 2008 at 1:54 pm

    Liz – Welcome – and just keep doing the Tools in the posts – you’ll be getting feedback and help soon – and I look forward to hearing what goes on for you. Love, Rori



  36.  #36Cookie on January 12, 2009 at 9:15 pm

    although I’ve been needing to do this forever, here goes:

    My problems:
    – feeling obsessed about my current guy of seven years but really over every man that comes into my life.
    _ feeling afraid to go out and meet new men because I’m afraid that I will bring my coolness with me and they will look at me as a good time girl that they could have sex with and who is okay with just getting that and then going on to find woman they really want to be with.
    – feeling anxious that my current guy will not pick up the oars of our relationship and lead us to happily ever after, that he may not be capable, that I will be his stepping stone (or he will be mine).
    – feeling jealous of my guy because he can decide to not care or move on, which makes me feel insecure like I’m not enough woman for him, instead of the other way around.
    – feeling afraid of opening up and being vulnerable and myself in the presence of unfamiliar people
    – feeling afraid to be seen, even though i hate feeling invisible
    – feeling not grounded in my boundaries
    – feeling stupid for repeating the same cycle over and over again
    – feeling stupid for talking to so many people about the problems in my relationship so that if he does step up and become the one, no one will be happy for me
    – feeling like i can’t stop thinking about or talking about him, even when he’s not around
    – feeling inspired to imagine me at my best and really going for it
    – feeling tired of judging myself and beating me up and ripping me apart into segments instead of seeing who i am as a whole person
    – feeling ill equipped to really love myself with all my flaws
    – feeling excited about embracing this new way of being and then feeling guilty that I may be leaving my guy (my first love) behind
    – feeling like no one will really love me deeply
    – feeling insecure with being overweight right now, knowing that it takes alot to lose and also knowing that i am more than capable of reaching my goal
    _ feeling that even with the weight gone I might feel insecure about some other part of me
    – feeling like these old ideas are played out and of no use to me where I’m going in my life and that maybe I’m just telling myself that I feel most of the above things because I’m trying to talk myself out of doing the work
    – feeling annoyed with myself for being lazy
    – feeling impatient with the process and not recognizing the baby steps I’m making.
    – feeling like the baby steps are not enough that I need to, have to, change overnight
    – feeling grateful to the process, and how things are moving out of my path so I can do what I have to do
    – feeling the fight between the woman/goddess/queen inside me and the little girl who is stubborn and hard headed and who wants to be safe and stuck
    – feeling annoyed that I don’t have enough money to live the life i want without help from a man (like buying a house or getting my foundation started)
    – feeling frustrated that my chosen profession as a teacher, though it is gratifying in some ways, will never make me economically satisfied
    – feeling like if i wasn’t so afraid after college to see if i could make it in the advertising world that maybe i would be making major money by now.
    – feeling guilty for saying that because I know my purpose on this planet is to help young adults and teenagers realize their dreams and potential
    – feeling angry with myself that i am so invested in other people and not enough in myself
    – feeling that there is never enough hours in the day to satisfy all the masters
    – feeling like i should be a principal, because its more prestigous but not because it’s in my heart to do that
    – feeling like i’m ready but knowing that i’m really not that there is so much work on myself that i need to do
    – feeling like i can’t be imperfect which makes me disgusted because I don’t require perfection (because it doesn’t exist)



  37.  #37Cassandra on March 10, 2009 at 2:47 pm

    Write down your “problems.” Write down the things you think about, the things that are taking up space in your mind. Things about you, about your work, your home, your man.

    Don’t judge them or try to do anything other than list them – and post your lists here as comments. I’ll take your list (and mine…) and let’s get to work!

    I have decided to start completely over….I REDO of sorts to see where I missed the boat and try to ‘correct’ it…perhaps that in itself is DOING something rather than simply listing something but that’s ok….it hasn’t made my ‘new list’. I took my first/old list and included it but then ‘tweaked’ it by adding to things that are indented……..

    -will I ever be TRULY happy with me?
    -most of the time feeling good about myself in general but everyone around me telld me that I need to love myself when I THINK that I do….I am wondering what everyone else sees that I am missing
    -worrying that in my quest to be happy with me that I will lose some of the real me
    -I feel like I have to hide most of my emotions from everyone
    -scared to be REALLY me because everyone in my life that is important to me has told me that I am too emotional
    -still being too emotional
    -scared to show my emotions if they are not good
    -still afriad to show any darker emotions but I do feel better about this than I did
    -scared to really even FEEL my emotions unless they are good
    -now alot of the time I feel nothing at all…I feel numb
    -scared that I wil never be married or have children
    -terrified that at 40 I am now too old to have a baby
    -terrified that no one will want me if my engagement ends
    -scared to talk to my fiance’
    -scared to let him see any emotions other than the good ones
    -scared to tell him what I need
    -scared that now when I do tell him what i need that he won’t care of even try to meet those needs or listen
    -scared he won’t care what I need based on his previous actions
    -scared to leave him
    -scared to stay with him
    -scared to move back to where I came here from but I know I can’t stay here
    -feeling furious that I have to leave and do NOT want to go back to where I moved here from
    -feeling furious that I have lost everything because of lies and deceit
    -feeling such a deep sense of bitterness and am afraid that I won’t be able to get that all out of my heart
    -feeling that all men are the same
    -feeling that I will never be able to trust another man or even allow another man into my heart
    -feeling that I do still love the good part of Charles but I cannot deal with that bad part of him
    -feeling terrified that I can’t find a job
    -feeling terrified about money and income
    -feeling terrified about medical insurance
    -feeling angry about all I have had to go through with myhealth
    -scared that I am losing time so damn fast!
    -scared that I got laid off
    -scared that I will have to go back to work doing something that I am good at but hate
    -still afraid of having to go back to work doing something I HATE
    -scared of being alone
    -I feel so disgusted that I have gained weight
    -feel that I can’t regain control of my eating
    -scared that I am unattractive to everyone
    -feeling that I am undesirable
    -feeling that my emotions are out of control
    -feeling that no man will ever find me attractive again because I am filled with so much anger and bitterness and fear
    -I feel so scared that I will never recover emotionally if my engagement ends
    -scared that this is not a real engagement
    -scared that if I do leave that if I am even able to allow another man into my life that it will be the same emotionally abusive relationship
    -feeling ike a failure because I now realize that this IS an abusive relationship for sure
    -feeling scared that I will never be capable of making good decisions reagding my heart
    -feeling so scared that I won’t recover from this
    -feeling afriad that I will never be able to open my heart again
    -feeling that I will never regain my relationship with the Lord
    -feeling scared that I have lost my annointing and calling
    -feel that I can’t ask for what I want
    -feeling frustrated that I still don’t know how but am trying to learn
    -feel that I don’t deserve what I want
    -feel that I can’t be who I am freely without judgement
    -feeling so damn alone
    -feeling as though no one cares
    -feeling like if I fell off of the face of the earth that no one would even notice muchless care
    -feeling angry that I feel depressed
    -feeling like I will never be the person that I was before my fiance’ was in my life
    -feeling like I will never do the things that I love again
    -I am terrified that I will never sing again or dance again
    -feeling that I am not worthy of a good relationship/ marriage
    -scared that no one will want to marry me
    -feeling like the only man that would marry me is going to be 4 feet tall, bald and have no teeth
    -feeling that I will never be what I am supposed to be
    -feeling scared that I will never do what I am truly called to do – on the level that I am called to do it
    -feeling so much fear to step out on faith that I can’t move
    -feeling suffocated and can’t breathe
    -feeling scared that I keep falling for the same kind of man
    -feeling angry that I was not protected as a child emotionally
    -feeling angry that I feel angry at my mother
    -hating feeling angry at my mother and wanting a good relationship with her
    -feeling so damn mad that she chose her dogs over me
    -feeling that I can’t have a relationship with my Mother anymore because of her judgement
    -feeling like I am losing evertying that I love
    -feeling angry that that makes me sad
    -feeling afraid to move or even breath
    -feeling afraid to move out of our home
    -feeling angry that I have to move after giving up everything for my fiance’ because he is not ready to get married yet but claims to still love me and want to marry me ,,,,someday
    -feeling so damn mad that I gave up everything for this man
    -hating him
    -loving him and hating that I love him
    -feeling that I still want us to be together and so afraid to lose him
    -terrified of what is going to happen to me
    -still terrifed of what is going to happen to me
    -feeling that I have no choices because I have no job/ income coming in and I can’t move until I do
    -scared of losing people that I love even if they have mistreated me
    -pissed of that I can’t let go of people that have mistreated me
    -angry that I call him when he is on the road and that he does not call me that much
    -angry that I do still sometimes call and ALWAYS get off of the phone feeling like crap
    -angry that he doesn’t care about me or my feelings at all
    -angry that I don’t matter at all to him
    -angry that I take care of my fiance’
    -still want to take care of him
    -want to be taken care of
    -want so desperately to be cherished and loved
    -feeling like I am asking for the moon by wanting to love and be truly loved for me
    -feeling as though I will never have that
    -feeling that I have to settle or be even more alone that I am now
    -feeling that I want to let go and let GOD do it all but I can’t
    -feeling that I can’t trust anyone…..even GOD
    -feeling like I am on an island in the middle of nowhere…all alone and terrified
    -scared that no one would even look for me
    -wondering if I even have power anymore
    -feeling like i love myself but everyone else says that I don’t
    -angry that they say that
    -hate that no matter what I do everyone still thinks that I don’t love myself
    -angry that perhaps I don’t
    -don’t know what to do about that
    -feeling angry because C has not even tried to make love to me in several months
    -feeling totaly unnacttractive and undesirable
    -hate feeling like I need affection and love
    -I want to not need love or affection
    -pissed that I want and need love so damn much
    -pissed that I can’t seem to have it even when I give and give until I have nothing left for me
    -angry that I moved here for my fiance’ and don’t have any friends here which makes me so dependent on him
    -feel so hurt that he does not spend very much time with me even when he is home
    -pissed that he is not who he said he is
    -pissed that I feel that he has broken my spirit
    -mad that even so…I still love him

    Well there wasn’tmuch to add to my original list but there were a few things. It seems to me that I am in the EXACT same spot that I was when I did my first list and that does not feel good at all. At least I am starting over…maybe this will help.



  38.  #38Cassandra on March 10, 2009 at 2:48 pm

    oooops sorry…I forgot to delete the part where Rori, you had given us directions….sorry about that. it is not part of my list of course! LOL



  39.  #39Tina on April 5, 2009 at 10:47 am

    1. Waiting to get back to the States….too long a wait.
    2. Waiting for a project.
    3. Communication problems with my parents
    4. Worry about my parents’ health.
    5. Their worry and tension about me not settling down yet (Getting married).
    6. Their worry that guys are taken away and its too late and that they are getting old.
    7. Life is more fear based: Professionally and Personally.
    8. Inspite of knowing everything, P acting as if everything is normal.
    9. P having commitment problems.
    10. Breaking up as the only possible solution for everything.
    11. Sometimes distancing with me too much and spending too much time with others or busy with his own life.
    12. Maybe not considering me important enough to share his inner feelings
    13. Feels like people around me have complete control over me personally and professional and advising me what to do.
    14. Hardly any happiness or peace of mind in my life.
    15. My family not happy because of me



  40.  #40Tina on April 5, 2009 at 10:52 am

    More Problems:

    1. I have problems connecting with new people.
    2. I am an introvert and shy.
    3. People dont mingle with me easily but I talk well on one-to-one basis.
    4. Not everybody get close to me especially women.
    5. I have few friends compared to others.



  41.  #41Tina on September 27, 2009 at 1:03 pm

    My Problems

    1. Break-up again after commitment (he is a fickle minded character)

    2. Cant handle emotions/problems and finds break up as the only solution

    3. Mom not talking to me

    4. Dont like the guy my dad wanted me to meet for marraige alliance

    5. That guy is too short for me

    6. Mom forcing me to choose a guy from same community

    7. Too many emotional breakdowns with family because of me not getting married.

    8. Weird guys showing up for marriage proposals(recommended by my family)

    9. Saying that options are getting limited since I am turning 28

    10. So much pressure from the society and family

    11. Why dont good looking and willing to commit guys show up.

    12. Why do people tell me to compromise

    13. I hate working from home, Id like to work in an office

    14. Though I was dying to get back to US, I feel like going back to my country.

    15. I find myself very confused, scared and less confident.

    16. Everything is so messed up. Both personal and professional.

    17. I want to have my own space

    18. I feel handicapped because I cant drive a car.

    19. I am exhausted with everything.

    20. I love my parents but they feel desperate in getting me married.

    21. I am worried that they r worried about me.

    22. I cant live in this country, coz I long for my bf to come back and I know he has commitment problems.



  42.  #42E... on December 18, 2009 at 11:44 pm

     Money, not having enough
     Having a partner that can contribute equally financially and emotionally
     Getting my sexual fantasies fulfilled
     Finding intimacy rather than lacking emotion
     Being detached and rational as opposed to being about my feelings
     Longing to see and be with a recent fling even though I know I need to let go
     Worrying that my fling is not attracted to me and is more interested in other women
     Worrying how my boyfriend is going to pay his bills
     Worrying about having a facial hair
     Worrying that I look fat in my clothes
     Worrying that my hair smells
     Worrying that I’m not good enough for a better job
     Wondering if it’s okay to look to circular date when I am currently in a relationship I can’t seem to get out of
     Worried that my boyfriend will threaten to kill himself again if I try to break up with him again
     Worried that my boyfriend will have nobody if I’m not around.
     How I can help my boyfriend find a job
     How I wish I didn’t have to help my boyfriend with his homework
     How I wish my sister would speak up for herself and quit being a doormat and unhappy
     How I wish I could solve my other sisters financial trouble
     How I wish I could win the lottery to solve everybody I know’s money woes
     Worrying that I will never lose weight
     Worrying that I owe taxes and have to start paying back student loans
     Worrying that I am looking old
     Worrying that I have to have enough money for two every time I go out with my boyfriend
     Worrying that I will never find my one true love and will kiss way too many frogs
     Feeling angry and resentful for how my boyfriend has hurt me in the past



  43.  #43Rori Raye on December 19, 2009 at 12:34 am

    Welcome E – Thank you for your list, and I look forward to your next steps into the Riff…(just keep moving through the posts in the Power & Self Esteem category – from oldest to newest…) Love, Rori



  44.  #44angie on July 24, 2011 at 12:21 pm

    It was powerful to read what you wrote because it sounds just like me. I spend so much time trying to analyze my boyfriend/fiancee/father of my sons actions that i lose myself in it. We have been through many heartaches in the past 11 yr relationship and currently have a long distance relationship. He is a tremendous loving father and his children ADORE him.. My son cries for him when hea gone and is so happy when hes here. My biggest fear is that this man is only with me bc of the kids who i equally adore. With that here is my list
    1. The man i am in love with is only with me bc of our kids.
    2. He will fall in love with someone else and i will lose my family
    3. Hes cheating on me
    4. I fear losing my stepson who i have loved as my own since he was 2 yrs old.
    5. I fear change in my life.. Being apart from my parents and siblings bc i move to get us closer to his dad
    5. I fear instability in my life of any sort
    6. I fear leaving my career to start a new one somewhere else.
    7. I fear losing my son for periods at a time due to custody battles.
    8. I fear my son growing up not knowing the closeness of family as i did.
    9. I fear my son thinking its ok to make the kind of mistakes that his dad made. Having children from different woman and thinking its normal to do so.
    I fear losing my parents
    losing my siblings
    losing my children



  45.  #45Tammy on August 7, 2011 at 10:15 am

    Thoughts that take up space in my mind…
    My inability to control my weight properly
    My worry that my husband finds me unattractive
    my husband doesn’t share his feelings with me
    I am scared of my husband, because I never know what he’s thinking
    I try to guess what will make my husband happy
    I worry my husband won’t say he loves me ever again
    That I will never get what I want from my husband because I spent too many years trying to figure it out myself & unintentionally pushing him away.
    That I started to love myself too late
    I fear i will not be able to share all the love I have for my husband with him
    I fear my husband will never stop making up stories about me cheating on him.
    I fear there are too many layers of hurt to make better before his deployment
    I just want to connect with my husband before his deployment
    I fear my husband will never want to do things with me
    I fear my husband will not let himself be happy with me no matter what I do.



  46.  #46Jade on August 15, 2011 at 7:17 am

    – I am afraid to lose my job
    – I worry that I’m not even apt to do that job
    – I worry that I will never measure up to my co-worker’s ability to be a good saleswoman
    – I worry that money will run out
    – I’m afraid I drive customers away because of the bad vibes I sometimes exude
    – I feel bad for not calling my mother often enough
    – I worry that I will never be able to really communicate with my mother before she dies
    – I feel bad for asking my father to come and get me (he is dead)
    – I’m afraid I’ll never be good enough for a man to really love me
    – I’m afraid that I messed up my x’s life because of what I did before we broke up
    – I’m afraid that he will never forgive me for that
    – I’m afraid that I will never be able to get to talk to my favorite sister because of a stupid misunderstanding
    – I’m afraid to even send an email to my sister to ask for forgiveness
    – I’m afraid that I’ll never be able to do what I really want in my life without feeling that I will fail
    – I feel guilty for having turned down some guys in the past because of things they were doing that weren’t on my “perfect guy list”
    – I’m afraid some of these guys might have been the “one”
    – I worry that I’ll never be able to find a friend in the city I live in (just moved here, hard to make friends)
    – I worry that I will never find a man who will be able to give me orgasms without the help of tools
    – I worry that I use my sex tools too much
    – I worry that this is why some guys can’t give me orgasms

    Wow, Rori, that feels good. I never thought of doing that before. I’m sure there are more but that’s pretty much I can come up with for now.



  47.  #47Tina on November 9, 2012 at 10:11 am

    1. I do not like working for someone who does not have any leadership qualities and fusses over everything. Even for granting a one day leave or leaving the office early.

    2. I do not like people to tell me “what to do” and boss me around.

    3. I am concerned about my parents’ health.

    4. I am worried that my mom is worried about me not having babies.

    5. I am worried that my dad is worried about my husband not coming back to the same city. My husband and I get along well now after a major breakdown due to his family.

    6. I dont want to get along with my in-laws ever. I feel a major disconnect with them especially after what has happened in the past.

    7. My husband is a mama’s boy. He could kill anyone if his mom is upset.

    8. I am taking forever to update my resume.

    9. I am not finding time to practice my dance lessons.

    10. I am not good at time management and I always feel like there is not enough time.

    11. I do not enjoy cooking food during weekdays due to work or cooking food as an obligation.

    12. I do not like doing anything as an obligation.

    13. I come from a society where “I am supposed” to compromise to keep family intact and make men happy. Be it husband or brother.

    14. I am always compared to my cousins and am questioned on when I will have babies.

    15. I do not know my life purpose yet.

    16. I feel a second cultural shock at work place or whereever I go to after coming back from United States. I feel like people here lack manners.