Stop Solving Problems – Love Your Fear, Rage, And Desire

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I was going to move on after the Themes and the Problem Lists and the Flip – but I wanted to go deeper into Themes – and wanted to jump off of a comment from Stacy – where she wrote out these “Themes”:

“i feel selfish for wanting to be happy.
i feel undeserving and selfish to want what i want.
the world will punish me for not being perfect enough to deserve love, happiness, money, success etc.
People who claim to care about me have a right to treat me like shit because they can’t help it.”

I’ll talk directly to her:

Stacy :This is what I see in your statements: I see you feeling undeserving and “not good enough” – but what I FEEL, when I look at this is your ANGER.

I feel your RAGE.  And it seems to me that all those “undeserving” feelings and expectations that you will be – “should be” – punished are coming from your shame at feeling so much rage.

And, bottom line, it feels to me (and I’m not a therapist) that the shame is around WANTING so much.  And having experienced that wanting only gets you punished.

So – your wants have been thwarted (most likely some basic needs that have gone unmet – It’s hard, from here, to imagine feeling ashamed of wanting food, clothing, shelter and basic love and a touch of physical affection, but we still feel ashamed because that’s the way it happened to us – even if we had GOOD childhoods we may feel that way).

And then – you feel angry because your wants are not being honored and met.

And then – you feel frightened that your wants will never be met, and also frightened by your own anger – because you discover that if you express anger, not only are your wants not met – you get punished for your anger.

So then you feel bad and guilty, and then angry with YOURSELF for feeling all these feelings and STILL not getting your wants met.

And after awhile, this cements itself as a pattern.

You want something, have a desire.

Then, instead of honoring it or expecting it, or following it, you stuff it down.

Then, you get angry at everyone, especially yourself, then guilty, then frightened.

And then, because all these feelings are so intense, you go numb and become depressed.

And the more you sit on your feelings with the lid of depression clamping down on them, the more the anger grows and turns into RAGE, and so you have to hold down the lid even more.

The only thing you can allow yourself to feel, then, is anxiety – and that anxiety is all about the fear that the lid will finally come off, and people will actually SEE all those desires of yours you’ve been working so valiantly to hide.

And we’re ALL like this in varying degrees.

There are so many ways to work with this – for now, let’s just work with what you wrote and flip it around in another way.  This way is about loving yourself, accepting yourself, and honoring your desires – which are at the bottom of EVERYTHING.  (That’s why we focused before on the FLIP into the WANTS – so now – let’s make those wants OKAY!

Let’s take your statements:

i feel selfish for wanting to be happy.
i feel undeserving and selfish to want what i want.
the world will punish me for not being perfect enough to deserve love, happiness, money, success etc.
People who claim to care about me have a right to treat me like shit because they can’t help it.

First –  I want you to notice that you say “I” with a small “i.”

Would you please do me a favor and start writing about yourself as “I” – as big and as dark and as powerful as you can.  Say to yourself “I exist.  Take THAT – world!”

Now, let’s flip the first statement:

i feel selfish for wanting to be happy and FLIP it to “I feel selfish.” Then, “Okay, I’m selfish.”

Then, “And it’s okay to be selfish.” “Maybe I’ve got this selfish thing wrong.” “Maybe I don’t exactly know what selfish is.” “Maybe my selfish is a good kind of selfish.”  “Maybe if I’m selfish enough – I can help OTHER people.” “Maybe if I’m selfish and focus on myself I can help other people.” “What if it’s not even TRUE that I’m ‘selfish’?” “What if it’s something else I think I am – like ‘self-regarding’?”

“Whoa – what if it’s GOOD to be selfish?”  What if being selfish is the path to Enlightenment?” And then…

“Okay, so I’m selfish.” “I’m a lot of things – and maybe selfish is one of them.” “If I spend my time trying NOT to be selfish – maybe that’s when I’m MOST selfish.”  “Wow.”

Let’s keep going: FLIP the negative take on wanting to be happy to: “I want to be happy.” “I’m okay with that.” “It’s okay to want to be happy.” “God wants me to be happy.” or “If I had a child I would want HER to be happy.”  “I want people I love to be happy, so I want ME to be happy, because I love ME, because I AM me, and ME is all I am…..”

And then about being “undeserving”: “I’m undeserving.”  “Crap, how do I know if I’m undeserving – am I God?” “Who told me I was undeserving?” “Who decides if I’m undeserving?”  “That makes me mad as hell…”  And so on..

Do you see where I’m going here?

I want you to take all your negative comments and fears about yourself from your lists, and I want you to STOP RESISTING feeling that way.

That means – accept all your labels, don’t fight them.  Turn them into questions and positive possibilities, but don’t deny them.

What I want is for you to know all of yourself, even the parts you don’t like. We all have frogs and toads inside  (you’ll love “The Stranger” exercise in my Toxic Men program) – and I want you to LOVE all of yourself – even the parts you don’t like.

As for the last one, about the way other people treat you – how about this:

“Other people have every right to treat me anyway they want because they are THEM, and I don’t control them, and I don’t have to change them.” “Other people have a right to do whatever they do.” “If people treat me like shit it’s up to them.” “Who decides who gets to treat who like shit?” “Am I the one who decides?” “How powerful do I think I am?”  “Am I ASKING them to treat me like shit?”  Do I WANT them to treat me like shit?”  “Do I want to be punished?” “Wow – I don’t know.” “What if I had a choice?” Would I choose to be treated like shit?” “What if I do want that?” “Well – That’s OKAY!” “Part of me wants to be treated like shit, okay.”

AND:  “Lots of parts of me DON’T want to be treated like shit, though.” “Lots of parts of me are feeling really angry about all this, now…and it’s okay to feel angry…”

So – try this out – follow your statements down and around, follow where they lead – turn them into questions, question your assumptions, see if you like things you thought you hate, see if you hate things you thought you liked, and MAKE EVERYTHING OKAY!!!

Agree with yourself. Hug yourself.  All this confusion is okay.

The idea here is to lift the lid a bit and let all the goblins out – just a bit – and smother them with LOVE and acceptance and honor until they turn into harmless little pesky voices you can easily drown out with MORE love whenever you need to go focus on your DESIRES.

Because your DESIRES are where it’s at.  This is where we’re going, on the Desire Train.  The Train of Wants.  Let’s go – all aboard!

Love, Rori

29 Comments

  1.  #1Stacey on October 1, 2008 at 8:02 pm

    YES!!!!!!!!THE DESIRE TRAIN. I HAVE MY TICKET. I AM GOING TO RIDE!!!!!!

    So I followed my thoughts around like you suggested, Rori. And what I discovered was, ah yes, so it is not my desires themselves that are causing my troubles. It is the relationship I have to my desires. And my relationship to them is exactly what you said, SHAME. I don’t feel shame about all of my desires in life. Mostly just my emotional needs (ie attention, recognition, affection—-being listened to) and any need that is not survival based (ie fun, surplus of money, travel.) I can hear my father’s voice in my head now. This is where I learned this from.

    This whole series of exercises beginning with your “problems” post a few days ago have been very helpful and healing. (After I stopped crying because the truth of it all just hit me to my core.) So I don’t know that I necessarily have the skills to actually manifest my desires yet but certainly reducing the rage and shame around them will help!!!!! I can love my whole self. I can do this. 🙂

    Thank you, Rori. I think I am going to get the Toxic Men program next. I wasn’t going to because I don’t think I attract toxic men… I think I attract the more clueless type of men. But it sounds like the program might help with the type of men I tend to pick.



  2.  #2Kozmo on October 1, 2008 at 10:12 pm

    Hi There Rori~

    Thank-YOU for for all YOUR insight, LOVE & coaching skills!!!

    I have turned on alot of my girlfriends to YOUR web site,newsletters,advice & products.

    I also have alot of male friends who are intrested in a program for them (men) that can empower men to have healthy relationships with US as well!!!

    What do YOU suggest for the boys? I am a girl that people find attractive & I am looked up to in this sort of relationship stuff simular to YOU. However I search for tools & people like YOU who have answers & solutions to Life, LOVE & Relationship. I am in the growing & learning process just as much as anyone else.

    So if Ya got any suggetions of where I can direct my male friends to be coached, like YOU do for us girls, I feel like the world could become an even more Greater place!!!

    Thank-YOU again Rori~

    Have a Wonderful Forever One Day @ a Time
    Happy,Joyous & Free
    with lots & lots
    of LOVE,
    Koz



  3.  #3Erika on October 1, 2008 at 10:28 pm

    Ah, Rori and Stacey, you guys made me smile so big tonight getting all these feelings out there in the open. Feelings are beautiful. Feelings connect us to the Divine. And how liberating to let them flow.

    Especially shame. How incredibly brave to take ownership of that emotion and feel it and accept it.

    I just want to put in a plug though for how beautiful men are. I want you to know Stacey that men are struggling with the exact same issues and just like you they really want acceptance. Check out men relationship sites and you will see what I mean, it is the same on both sides of the fence. Compassion is the need of the day.

    “Let the competing voices in your head be heard. They are just trying to find their part in a larger, yet-to-be heard song.”

    peace and love,
    Erika
    http://www.awakeningfromthedream.blogspot.com



  4.  #4Daria on October 2, 2008 at 12:31 am

    OMG Rori wow thank you for clarifying what to do with that! And thank you Stacey, your comment adressed So much of what I was struggling with. This is wonderful guys! I feel guilty for having such easy and available help for my own problems…

    and thats OK! =)

    And I feel REALLY REALLY excited too! And happy!



  5.  #5Kozmo on October 2, 2008 at 9:36 am

    Erika~

    Nice blog!! Thank-YOU for sharing!!!

    Have a Wonderful Forever One Day @ a Time
    Happy,Joyous & Free
    with lots & lots of
    LOVE,
    ~Koz~



  6.  #6Karen on October 3, 2008 at 7:35 am

    I want to HIGHLY recommend the TOXIC men series…..
    I have just finished it and it’s not only about TOXIC men but how WE as women can have toxic things going in us as well and we can Overcome these things and HAVE THE RELATIONSHIPS WE WANT!
    keep up the good work……
    karen



  7.  #7Rori Raye on October 3, 2008 at 10:02 am

    Karen, Thank you so much for your comment and your recommendation – and for believing in yourself – this is exactly how it works, and I look forward to hearing more about your baby-steps and successes, Rori



  8.  #8Reshi on October 3, 2008 at 6:47 pm

    Some of my flips:

    I’m afraid my husband will never want to sleep with me again.
    Maybe I’m worried I’m not attractive enough to have sex with anyone.
    Maybe I KNOW that I AM attractive enough. And maybe I’m ANGRY that I’ve let the world treat me like an unattractive woman all these years.
    Maybe I just want to express my natural Goddess-given sexuality, and maybe there’s nothing wrong with that.

    I’m worried that I won’t survive a divorce.
    Maybe I don’t WANT a divorce.
    Maybe I’m just angry that my marriage has fallen short of the dreams that I had for it.
    Maybe I’m confused and don’t know the right and wrong of marriage at all.
    Maybe I feel BETRAYED because my husband is withholding his love and closing his heart.
    Maybe he has the RIGHT to withhold his love and close his heart.
    But maybe I WANT to be with someone who IS loving me freely, generously, and abundantly. And maybe there’s nothing wrong with that.
    Maybe I just want to be able to LET more love in my life–maybe I’m angry that I’ve been intentionally giving MYSELF crumbs when I know I deserve the whole meal.
    Maybe I do have the power to teach my husband, or any man, how I am to be treated–and maybe I’m afraid of using that power.

    I’m worried that my hair is falling out.
    Maybe I’m angry that my parents kept cutting off my hair when I was a child.
    Maybe I’m slowly poisoning myself and killing myself by stuffing down all my toxic emotions.
    Maybe I CAN achieve perfect health–and maybe I’m afraid to go for it.

    I’m angry that my husband seems to be a Feminine Energy man.
    Maybe I’m really angry that all these years I’ve been lied to and told that I have to be Masculine to be successful in life and love.
    Maybe I’m angry that all my masculine energy has gotten me exactly nowhere in love OR in my career.
    Maybe I’m afraid that a more masculine woman will step in, knock me down, and take everything I have.
    Maybe I’m scared of men–scared of their anger, their sexuality, their hardness and ruthlessness and physical strength. Maybe I’m scared of the fact that they could rape me or make me pregnant. Maybe I chose a feminine man BECAUSE I’m scared of men.

    I’m worried about ending my marriage and what that will mean for me.
    Maybe I’m grieving the loss of the dreams I had for my marriage.
    Maybe I’m angry that I was lied to and told that I was not allowed to HAVE those dreams, much less express them.
    Maybe I’m DOUBLY angry because this lie that I was told came true in my life.
    Maybe I STILL WANT my dreams to come true, despite the fact that my husband has backed away from wanting to make them come true.
    Maybe he NEVER wanted to help me make my dreams come true in the first place, and I’m scared to face that.
    Maybe I’m scared to face MY OWN responsibility for making my dreams come true.

    It was freaking amazing how much stronger I felt after doing these flips, by the way. Thank you so much, Rori.



  9.  #9Rori Raye on October 4, 2008 at 5:07 pm

    Reshi – I wrote a whole new post for you – follow here:



  10.  #10stacey on October 4, 2008 at 10:48 pm

    this work and this blog and these comments bring me tears. not tears of sadness but release. all these year i have been afraid to believe in my dream for love and romance and a boyfriend who treats me like a queen. but the dream can come true. and that realization brings me open-ness in my body/mind/heart/soul. and that open-ness feels like joy and surrender and authenticity and compassion first for myself which allows me to have compassion for others. tears and dreams coming true. one baby step at a time.:)



  11.  #11Annie on October 14, 2008 at 8:59 pm

    Hey Rori,

    My flips:

    1. My relationship will be irreparable. Do I know that for sure? No. So it’s just a possibility? Yes. So is it a good idea to waste my energy on thoughts that make me feel bad because they are possible, when I know darn well how the Law of Attraction works? No. So…quit doing that! If I don’t know, I don’t know. Right.

    2. I will be unable to overcome my fear of intimacy. Do I want to overcome my fear of intimacy? Well, I think I have to, or I will sabotage things again if I get another chance. So it’s a means to an end? Yes. Not the end itself? No – who cares if I have a fear of intimacy if I’m not in a relationship? So, I’m okay with it? Well, I’m used to it. What about other relationships – do I like not being intimate with other people in my life? I used to – but I don’t as much now. Why? Because I found out what it feels like to let some of that go, for the first time, when I was with him, and it felt thrilling. Ah ha!

    3. No potential relationship will feel comparable. Ditto #1. Not the same. Why? Because I don’t WANT another potential relationship. Why? Because I believe the one I just had is once in a lifetime. So – if it is, then what? Then I’m not sure I wouldn’t rather be alone and focus on other stuff. Really? Yes. I am liking myself a lot these days and I’ve already been in a 25 year relationship that was sub-par, so if another relationship isn’t the same or better than the one I just lost, I’m not sure it would be worth being in. O-kay.

    4. I will throw in the towel on passion. Can I just say ditto on #1, #2, and #3? Sure.

    5. I will be unable to sustain thoughts that feel good. Is this the big one? Yes. Why? Because if the relationship is never repaired, I have to find a way to be happy without a man (see #3). So am I saying I’ve gone through a lifetime unhappy? I think on the 22 point scale offered up in ASK AND IT IS GIVEN, I ranged between boredom and despair all my life. Including as a kid? Yes. So why would I even think it was possible to get all the way up to the top of the scale into joy, empowerment, and love? Because I experienced those things in the relationship, and if I had it with him, MAYBE I can have it without him. And? And if I don’t, there’s no point in going on. But I have been going on a hell of a long time without those things. Yeah, but now I know they are possible – I feel like I was in the dark, and when we were together, he took the blindfold off – why would I want to keep it on? Maybe I can take it off myself. So I’m doing this? Yes – no matter what it takes. If I am so determined, why am I so afraid? Because it feels so huge, like learning Chinese – can it just be okay that I feel fear? Yes. I can feel fear, and still be fearless.

    Thank you for all your help, Rori
    and love to you all, Annie



  12.  #12Rori Raye on October 15, 2008 at 10:43 am

    Annie – fantastic, and yet – I want you to do this differently.

    Go back to my comment about your first list of problems, and do that one.

    Then, the FLIP is another LIST. It’s turning the problems into WANTS (see how these work here on Daria and Reshi’s lists->)

    (What you’re doing here is the next step – Riffing, and I want you to Riff starting from the WANT list. Believe it or not – it’s feeling the WANT that will trigger you in the direction I want you to go. This way we can follow the bouncing.)

    So – first step, problem, second step, turn it into a WANT.

    Love, Rori



  13.  #13Annie on October 15, 2008 at 2:00 pm

    Flips (take 2)

    1. I want my relationship to be restored.
    2. I want to overcome my fear of intimacy (see #1).
    3. Ditto #1.
    4. I want to feel passion (chemistry) again (see #1).
    5. I want to sustain thoughts that feel good.
    6. I want to FEEL beautiful and HOT in everything I wear.
    7. I want to get paid for something I love to do.
    8. I want cats that don’t have to go to the bathroom (I want a more effective system for dealing with cat waste that eliminates odor, money, and as much of my attention as possible).
    9. Ditto #1 (as he was perfect for this activity and required nothing in return, although I always expressed admiration and appreciation – I wonder if I could get dates to put forth in this way? Random men walking by? I see no other solution to clean windows on the 4th floor without someone hanging out of them, and I can’t afford to pay anyone to do it). I want clean windows.
    10. Ditto #1 (I can’t get rid of the grill we bought together – what if he shows up tomorrow? I just want it out of my sight until we get back together. Oh! I just came up with the solution – it will be a pain in the neck to do this, but I can move it down to my garage, and then I won’t have to look at it, and think about how he is NOT cooking for me on it like he used to – he is the BEST cook – I felt SO spoiled…) Take this one off my list.
    11. I want to have all my clothes look, feel, and function perfectly, or out they go. (bags of clothes cluttering up my study, for months on end, are really annoying the hell out of me – at least that is a good distraction from feeling sad.)
    12. I want my bios to be straightened out NOW (I’ve been in process for more than a YEAR to get to the right levels and combinations, and it feels really unfair to have to combat chemically induced mood alterations that have nothing to do with my mental thought processes, on top of good old life circumstances – men are so lucky – I’d like to see them handle things this well if they were bonked around by hormones all the time – God, it must be SO nice to be a man – oh wait, last time I heard, God IS a man… so THAT explains things…)
    13. I want to have great relationships with my kids.
    14. Okay, that last one – blame it on the hormones – they have to be useful for something. I want to feel heaped with pleasure ALL THE TIME. Well, not ALL the time. A little contrast is a good thing – I just want it tipped in the other direction.

    Love, Annie



  14.  #14Rori Raye on October 16, 2008 at 12:49 pm

    Okay – Annie – Great – now – I want you to get a bigger focus on your WANT. Instead of “I want my relationship to be restored” – make it “I Want a GREAT, Fantastic, AMAZING, Over-The-Top Relationship!”

    “I want my lovely cats to be 100% clean and easy and NO WORK.” “I want to feel great about my cats all the time.”

    Go for more of these before you move on to the next step, okay? Love, Rori



  15.  #15Annie on October 17, 2008 at 8:41 pm

    Flips (take 3)

    1. I want my relationship to be restored: I want a man who waits two hours without saying a word after I get home, for me to walk into the bedroom and be surprised by the roses he has strewn across our bed, just so he can hear me scream in delight. I want to feel my heart skip a beat, when he puts his hand on my thigh, and feel so wet I can’t think about anything except sex, no matter how many years we’ve been together. I want a man who crawls around in ancient attics with me with a flashlight to scope out new projects, who argues with me for 10 minutes about why a doorway can’t be moved, and then moves it anyway, because that’s what I want, who bosses me around on the job, and then interrupts what he’s doing to bring me water, because I look sweaty. A man who cooks me gourmet dinners, shoos away my offers to help, and then brings me a glass of wine and lights the candles, when he hears me drawing a bath. I want to feel like the hottest thing there ever was, because he can’t keep his hands off me, jams me up against elevator walls, flips me up, down, and around in bed, drags off my jeans in the front seat of the car, and says there’s no other woman in the world he would get on his knees that way for. I want him to take me skinny dipping in the waves at sunset, and then make me drive with him, stark naked, from one end of the beach to the other in heavy traffic. I want a man who buys me presents he can’t afford, swings me up over his head when we go out on a date, carries me to the boat so I won’t get wet, takes care of my dive gear and his own, makes sandwiches for our lunch, hunts for my lip gloss after a dive, pulls up my dress when a truck passes by, because he knows I’m not wearing panties, and leaps off the bed after sex when I say, I love you, to shout, ah-HAH! I want to feel his eyes search mine and the world disappear, to feel caught up in his arms all night long, to feel him press up against me with the dawn, to feel swept up in every moment we are together. I want a man who is just as excited to spoon with me while we watch some he-man show he can’t wait to see, as he is to turn it off so he can take me out, because he thinks that will please me more, without me ever saying a word. I want a man who makes me laugh, tells it like it is, makes me get over it, shows me how to chill, teases me, tempts me, and tells me things he’s never told anyone else in his whole life. I want a man who is with me slightly less than I want him to be, is the best kisser in the world, but kisses me slightly less than I want to be kissed, holds me in his arms when I cry as long as I want, tries his best to please me day in and day out, and makes me want HIM! I want a man who is amazing in bed, who can’t wait to see how I feel, who calls me every day, starts with Sweetheart, or Sunshine, or Sweetie, ends with, I love you, and complains that I don’t call him enough. Who never says a single unkind word to me, holds my hand on the roller coaster, trusts me to haul his trailer alone the very first time, calls me to take him to the ER when he gets injured, and teaches me to do things I’ve never even heard of before. I want a man who adores his kids, and drives across the state to move a pool table for mine, even though he knows she will never use it again. I want to feel like I make him happy. I want to feel caught up in his arms when I surprise him with a present, and hear him shout, I KNEW IT! I want a man I can cook with, entertain with, work with, take trips with, dive with, and have all kinds of mess around fun with. I want a man who beats down my door in the middle of the night after a fight to be with me, leaves a tiny note that says, can you still love me, when he hurts me, and surprises me every time I think I have him figured out. I want a man who thinks I’m smart, and pretty, and HOT and tells me so! Who washes the windows, and cleans out the trash, and spears the fish, and gives me the kitten, and sits next to me in restaurants to feed me, and drives with me top speed around tree limbs and fallen power lines, and over the bridge right after a hurricane, before the cops show up to shut it down… and rescues me from my life, before I shut it down. That’s the relationship I want restored.

    In general (from my list of values): I want HIM. I want a man who WANTS me, today and forever. Who is madly in love with ME. Who TREATS me like THE love of his life. Who CHASES me. Who does ALL the rowing. Who gives me all the time, attention, romance, love, fun, excitement, gifts, security, great sex and affection I could want and I give to him in return. Who chooses ME above all else, will do anything to have me, and can’t live without me. I want to make him feel GOOD about himself when he is with me, and make our time together feel playful. I want a man who pleases me, and pleasures me, and makes me feel loved, and happy. Who knows I am the best thing that ever happened to him. I want a man who is my perfect partner, and I want to be his.

    2. I want to overcome my fear of intimacy (from my list of values): I want to feel good about myself because I leap, even though I can’t see the net, not because I have no fear, but because I choose to act in spite of fear. I want to make choices that make me strong, lovable, irresistible, playful, powerful, and happy. I want to trust my boundaries, follow my feelings, choose my words, and expect to be surprised. I want to see myself and my relationships transformed.

    3. No potential relationship will feel comparable: see #1
    4. I will throw in the towel on passion (from my list of values): I want to feel undeniable physical desire for a man that compels me to respond to him in the moment he signals he physically desires me in the same undeniable way, no matter what else is going on, or where we are. I want us to feel driven to merge and lose ourselves in each other as the world around us drops away, and there is a free place in which every emotion is allowed to surface and be. I want a man who explores me, pleases me, and I want to respond in kind to him, and to the music he wants us to feel. And I want us to play.

    5. I will be unable to sustain thoughts that feel good (from my list of values): I want to feel pleasure in every moment. I want to be absorbed in, interacting with, and reacting to the details of the world around me. I want to get off the sidelines of life and play in it, and I want to feel happy and carefree. I want to follow my own impulses, and have it not matter what other people think – I just play. I want to feel grateful, and spontaneous, and in love with life. I want to sparkle.

    6. I want to FEEL beautiful and HOT in everything I wear (from my list of values): I want to feel happy with my body, and give it everything it needs to look and feel fabulous. I want to be toned, supple, strong, sexy, sleek, and hot. I want to look and feel self-confident, and inspire confidence in others.

    7. I want to get paid for something I love to do (from my list of values): I want to feel like I am making the world a more beautiful place to live in, and my ability to do this is recognized and valued. I want to feel happy because the things I choose to do and enjoy produce results. I want to make money doing what I love. I want my art to make a difference in other people’s lives.

    8 – 12: See above. These are things I hardly ever think about.

    13. I want to have great relationships with my kids (from my list of values): I want to feel like I am enjoyed for who I am by my daughters, and I want to enjoy being with them. I want to feel like the mother my daughters want to be with because they feel loved by me, and able to turn to me for help.

    How’s that? Love, Annie



  16.  #16Rori Raye on October 17, 2008 at 11:21 pm

    Annie, this is beautiful. You’re a poet with words, and a poet of your soul, as are we all…let your beauty in and out be known to you – revel in it, delight in it, rest in it…Love, Rori



  17.  #17ann on October 18, 2008 at 5:37 pm

    I took one thing off my list and posted it here. I need feedback to know if I’m on the right track here.

    worrying as I make changes can I keep them or will I revert back to old ways

    here I go again with the not good enough thing, I know where it comes from-childhood. But I’m a adult now I don’t won’t to keep punishing myself. I don’t won’t to live my life by others expectations. And that’s ok. I’m a big girl now, and I can take care of me. It’s ok for me to stand up for me, to believe in me. Even when I’m fearful, I can take care of me. It’s ok for me to want to be happy. It’s ok for me to ask others for help. don’t have to be superwoman always taking care of others first. It’s ok for me to want what I want. It’s ok for me to love me It’s okay that I don’t quite have this renovating down to my soul yet. I’m working on it.



  18.  #18Annie on October 18, 2008 at 6:35 pm

    You are on the right track. Love, Annie

    annieinthemoment.blogspot.com



  19.  #19ann on October 19, 2008 at 1:54 pm

    Thanks Annie, I really appreciate the feedback. Sometimes when I try something I wonder Am I doing this right? Then I realize we have different rights(ways od doing things or comprehending). You know like we’re all similiar but different at the same time.



  20.  #20Andrea on October 23, 2008 at 2:06 pm

    Wow! Annie that was beautiful!



  21.  #21Andrea on October 23, 2008 at 2:12 pm

    I want to be completely fullfilled and happy. I want to know that I am the most confident woman ever. I want women to look at me and say I wish I could be like you and I want to tell them that they can. I want men to look at me and say I want her. I want them to chase after me. I want to be carefree and out of my box. I want Jim to realize how stupid he is and realize he will never come close to having anything or anyone as special as me. I want him and everyone to not only see the beauty on the outside but more importantly the beauty on the inside. I want to feel I have options. I want to feel I have the largest support group of friends and family that anyone could ever need. I want to feel loved and I want to give love in return!



  22.  #22Rori Raye on October 23, 2008 at 8:09 pm

    Andrea – YEs, yes and YES! – And a TWEAK, too:

    Change every WAnt that involves controlling what SOMEONE ELSE wants. Instead of “I want every man to”…or “every woman to…” say “I Want to be cherished, adored, treated like a goddess, beautiful, to believe I’m beautiful….”

    See? Give it a try. Love, Rori



  23.  #23Andrea on October 24, 2008 at 11:05 am

    Hmm yes, I see what you mean about controlling what someone else wants. That feeling is all in my body. How can I rid myself of that? How does one let go?



  24.  #24Andrea on October 26, 2008 at 12:42 pm

    Today is so hard. Its Sunday. It’s a day where I want to be with family and friends. I want to feel their love around me. I want to go to church and come home to a family who loves me and we could share time together and cook dinner together, share stories and play games. Yet I don’t know where to find this or have this. Today I am alone. I have tried to contact my friends; everyone is busy. Everyone has their own family. I am not their family. My friend Roxanne had invited me somewhere today however I spend entirely way too much time with her. She gets on my nerves, she has low self esteem. I feel she’s passive aggressive and I almost wonder if I don’t like her because she is a lot like me? Yet I still hang out with her because she is the only person available and willing, I feel like a loser when I‘m with her.

    My parents live too far away. I wish they were near by.

    Its such a beautiful day. I hear the rumble from passing motorcycles and I wish I had a motorcycle to enjoy it. And then I think Jim has a motorcycle, he must be enjoying it. Its Sunday, the day of football, he must be enjoying today. I want to share the joy of football Sundays; I use to, but right now, those days are gone. I loved meeting friends at a bar and watching football and enjoying their companionship and the food. Yet I’m alone and unfulfilled. Its not fair. I am so angry. I am beautiful and loving yet something is blocking me from sharing that. I see I am not whole. I ask God to make me whole. Nothing seems to be working and I want to give up.

    I wonder if it was me that caused the break up? I remember that Jim had close friends and seemed to be motivated to bury himself in work and other activities. Was he fulfilled? I don’t think he was, but I feel/realize today maybe he is closer than me. Was it because I am not fulfilled that we didn’t work out? Why should he be fulfilled? I didn’t deserve to be treated the way he treated me. I’m not a piece of trash to be discarded; I did nothing to deserve that. So why should he be fulfilled? Why should he be happy? Why can’t I be?

    I don’t want to do this life alone. I don’t want to work to catch someone’s eye. I hate putting myself out there. I’m terrified of looking at someone and catching their eye. Then what if I have to talk? My energy is blocked by something and it frustrates me. I can feel I am stuck. I don’t know how to fix it. I can feel the judgments, the anger, the rage, buried and stuck deep within and I know the other person, should I ever be able to catch their eye, can feel it too. Yet here I am, I don’t know how to fix it. I’m alone in my room on this beautiful day unmotivated unwilling to do anything that might potentially make me feeling better ,or alternatively and my fear, make me feel worst. My mind still beats me up for not being outside.

    I want to be, just be. Happy and content and free of this box. I want love to come to me freely and abundantly. I beat myself up because I am in my room. My mind tells me you’ll never be happy or meet anyone sitting in your room. Go out, watch a movie, ride your bike, go to the bar and watch football maybe you’ll meet someone. Yet something else in me doesn’t want to do it alone. It is so desperate to not do it alone that I’m unmotivated to make those moves. What is this battle?? I’m so scared, so terrified. I want to break free, I want that so much. I want to be whole. I am so terrified of doing what it takes. I just want to be whole. I don’t know why I am not whole.

    I had such a wonderful time yesterday. I went to my friend Stef’s house. Her boyfriend, Mother, brother, sister and brother-in-law were there with their two cats, two dogs, and rabbit. That is how I use to grow up, but without the brothers or sisters. I have many cousins. However there was more jealously than love where I grew up. And Stef’s home was filled with love that I yearn to come home to or go to whenever I need to receive it and give it. I had a wonderful time carving pumpkins, having dinner, and we sang American Idol Karaoke on the Wii. I forgot all about my problems. I was having so much fun!! Then I had to go home and since then I am so upset and feel sooo alone and panicked. I have left myself to my room.



  25.  #25Cassandra on October 30, 2008 at 7:21 am

    Andrea….
    In following the thread through Rori’s steps I just found your post above and I cried when i read it because I can so relate to how you were feeling on that day. I hope that you are feeling better now. Just know that you are truly an inspiration to me…I admire your strength…your desire to be free and just BE and your longin got be a part of something special and filled with love. I can also understand the ‘control thing’ that you feel as I deal with that too and have to learn to turn it into what I want to do rather than what I want someone else to do. It is hard be we can get there. I just wanted you to know that you really are an inspiration to me. 🙂

    Love and hugs….
    Cassandra



  26.  #26Andrea on November 3, 2008 at 5:58 pm

    Cassandra,

    I’m so glad we are working through this together! You are an inspiration to me as well! I’m cheering you on now. I want to see you have what you want! You deserve it!

    XOXO,

    Andrea



  27.  #27Uschi on September 6, 2009 at 5:05 pm

    I wonder if – if he reads what I wrote after reading these blogs – if he would understand or see that I am trying to work on me – if that would make him come forward to meet me half way – or maybe more than half way – I wonder and I wonder some more – or will he just think this is all nonsense and phsychobabble – shrink nonsense if he thinks this is all BS cause he doesn’t like shrinks and feels all this touchy feely romantic stuff just is BS or so he said – I wonder – so I am reading this when he is not here trying not to be embarrassed that I need to do this learning about myself. I wonder —– cause for him its all logic and he is clamping down his feelings and then it comes out in hostility and he is getting depressed – so with what I learn here how can I help him too – cause I do love him



  28.  #28Tallulah on February 9, 2012 at 12:48 pm

    That was extremely influential. Thank you.