Story and Context

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In this comment from Erika, she brings up a really, really important element of healing ourselves and having the most wonderful NOW we can imagine…

“Hmmm … wild … I’m noticing a feeling of inner conflict … A part of me that is resisting participating here fully. A part that feels annoyed about talking about “he did this,” and “he said that.” There’s a part of me saying, “who cares?” Are we stepping back and noticing that it’s the same stuff 6 months ago and now …Not judging, just noticing.”

I wanted to jump off from this…because everything we do with the Tools is about the NOW.

It doesn’t matter what happened in the past, or in figuring out where our fear and anger came from – because it’s going to get triggered and show up NOW – ANYWAY!

In other words, we don’t have to “dig” to get to the bottom of things.

But – often, in the process of going deeper and deeper into feelings, images and old patterns, and beliefs and pictures and thoughts show up. These can be old ones that are habits.

That means they just show up every time you’re triggered in a certain way – like a “default.”

These images and thoughts come up automatically…and much of the time they don’t even MEAN ANYTHING.

They are likely an old response that we had once to an intense situation, and now that response, the energy and thought and belief behind it is RUNNING US.

What we’re about here is dismantling the whole construction of these old responses, without having to go back into the situation that got them started in the first place.

We don’t have to, actually, because they show up without any prodding at all.

It’s very clear when we’re reacting to something happening in a relationship or on a date, or seeing something on television that we’re doing the exact same thing we did as children, or after an intense, traumatic experience.

We react to things as if we WERE that child – because that’s the only “defense” we know.

We distract ourselves in the same ways.

If we’re caught up in the story, in re-living the story, in telling the story, we’re not serving ourselves.

But context: “When this happened…” can help us put patterns together. Very different emotional experience.

Also – and this is a different situation, too – where trauma is concerned – right after a trauma happens – telling the story is helpful. Because there IS no context to trauma…it’s an emotional experience that defies logic because we felt absolutely helpless.

And there’s a component to unwinding that that’s just about keeping conscious.

We don’t want to drive things underground, and at the same time, we don’t want to be digging things up. And we don’t want to be searching ourselves to figure out what’s going on.

The key here is to follow the trail of your feelings.

If you feel tense – you’re resisting a feeling.

If you go down into the feeling, you’ll likely find something that’s frightening you or that you’re furious about or feel shame about.

It may have been TRIGGERED by something that just happened in the present – that he did or didn’t do, that you thought or didn’t think – but it’s most likely a feeling that’s coming from something OLD.

This is where Feeling Messages are so amazingly helpful – you can SHARE with a man what you’re FEELING – without making him wrong, or responsible for your feelings or for making you feel better.

You can even share that your basic needs for affection, attention, love, sex aren’t being met without making him wrong, or responsible for meeting your needs and making you feel better.

It sounds so radical, I know – but when you simply find the feeling you’re feeling inside, and then express it – with an attitude of I know this is an old triggered feeling coming up now to be healed, and I’m sharing it with you because I love honesty, and so I can help myself heal and feel emotionally closer to you, too

…then you don’t need to tell the ‘story” of what happened the “what he did, why he did it, what it meant, what can he do to change that kind of behavior…” all that just falls away. It’s unnecessary.

But CONTEXT – now that IS necessary. If you tell a man you “feel sad…” and then he asks you why, and because you don’t want to “go into the whole story” you just keep repeating “I feel sad…” he’s going to scratch his head and not know what you’re talking about.

So you have to say…”When that happened…” as briefly and neutrally as possible.

You are simply setting the “context” for your triggering, so he can get what you’re saying.

As you practice Feeling Messages – practice using context, too – make it as short and simple as possible – work on your language so you can cut the word “you” out of the context as much as possible…in other words ‘When that happened…” is better than “When you did that…”

Look at everything as a triggered event…and look for the amazing changes all around you!

Love, Rori

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  1.  #1Daria on June 20, 2010 at 4:40 pm

    Rori – what about when we’re alone ?

    Here’s a comment from Andrea, and I have been feeling this way often … more often than I’d expect for “pond clearing”

    ” Andrea says:
    Thanks Oh. Really what I need the most help is when I’m home alone, my loneliness just consumes me. It really scares me. I feel no power at all. It feels as if I will always be alone and never meet anyone and that does go through my mind along with other negative thoughts. When I feel this loneliness, all intentions for getting out and doing things go out the window. I’m not motivated to do anything even though in my mind I tell myself “you should go to the gym” or “you should practice your guitar” and even though I may deep down want to do these things my loneliness paralyzes me and makes me feel powerless. Then I sink deeper into depression. It’s a vicious cycle. It’s only when I’m around people that I love – my friends and family or I am motivated to workout that I feel my power come back. Has anyone felt this way? Is there a way out of this? Listening to Joel Osteen helps turn me around. I’m thinking that maybe I should listen to his sermons when I’m in my car and only listen to music when I’m working out for the next 6-12 months. I find that when I’m in the car listening to music that the music can take me back to fantasies and memories of old relationships, so if I listen to something positive and mind altering such as Joel Osteen that maybe I can stop this viscous cycle of depression and powerlessness. Does anyone have any experience with these feelings? What did you do to cure or resolve this issue?

    Also Oh, where can I find these tools? Are they all in one place somewhere?”

    Can you please address feeling alone and loneliness… and when that feels depressing rather than moving me to do something that would feel good?

  2.  #2Tina on June 20, 2010 at 5:30 pm

    I feel annoyed, I feel triggered. I feel selfish, and I kinda like how I feel. I feel annoyed with people bugging me to do stuff. I thought it was a great idea to take my son to his grandmothers, she thinks its a great idea, my son doesnt. So my mother is callling saying, if you get here before I come back home the key is in the usual spot for him. I cant find my son, well i did find him, with no shoes on his feet walking down the road, I asked him what he is doing , he says he left his shoes in the truck, i look and his shoes are in the truck, he will disappear, because he is now with his friends. I want to get him to his grandmothers house before the grad parties start, I said he can go to one party only and thats it. Truckman calls me and says I cant wait to see you tomorrow, well there will be no tomorrow, if I cant find him , to do his own laundry ugh! so truckman is saying oh i thought you were going to drop him off and come here, I said well, I would like to do that, if I can find him and he comes home on time to do his laundry, then I want to go to the gym, he fck fck fck! grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!. ugh what else can i say, i feel annoyed by people in my life grrrrr. cooperation people come on kid get with the program, mom stop frekin calling, truckman fck off! I have to clean my house blah!

  3.  #3Brenda on June 20, 2010 at 5:30 pm

    I have been feeling that same loneliness, aloneness, and depression, feeling like there’s no end to it. Many nights I can hardly stand being home, simply because I don’t want to be alone.

  4.  #4Tina on June 20, 2010 at 5:33 pm

    ok, there. my son wore my gym socks white gym socks for like a week I swear, i threw the socks in the garbage, I did go to the gym with clean socks. I tried out the tanning bed oh and someone left an anonymous message of my phone, Tina, you suck! and hung up, grrrrrr.

  5.  #5Tina on June 20, 2010 at 5:35 pm

    I FREAKIN LOVE BEING ALONE! PEACE AND SERENITY YEAH! I could be alone and feel quite ok with it, company on occasion but you better have some great stories to tell or your gonna bore me to death. hehe. I feel a bad attitude comeing on! I have a bad attitude , I love my bad attitude. Im a badass 🙂

  6.  #6Tina on June 20, 2010 at 5:37 pm

    Im throwing away all dirty white socks not worn by me 🙂 I found another one, I have to keep my son out of trouble until he starts work.

  7.  #7Tina on June 20, 2010 at 5:43 pm

    My neighbors are coming over, they just left a message hehe, i’ll behave myself,

  8.  #8Lucy on June 20, 2010 at 6:28 pm

    I don’t feel lonely or alone, but I do feel very sad lately. 🙁

    I noticed that one great “side effect” when TN man was into me was that I felt really energized and was able to do a lot more work and even fun stuff. I really miss that extra energy that helped me live my life more fully.

    I have low estrogen because of the cancer/surgery — is it possible that the feelings I had when interacting with him increased the production of estrogen in my liver, fat cells, etc. ( I don’t have ovaries, so I only get the little bits of estrogen that are produced in other body parts) . . . ?

    Or maybe it was other chemicals, like dopamine, etc. that raised my energy level.

    I want that energy back.

    I’m eating right, taking all kinds of supplements, exercising, etc.

    It’s kinda amazing that connecting with a man who makes you feel good can raise your energy level so much.

    I want that again.

    Or some other magical way of being energized.

  9.  #9Brenda on June 20, 2010 at 6:41 pm


    I miss that feeling of being ultra-energized, too! I felt that super-charge for MONTHS when Ryan and I were getting to know each other last winter and into the spring! What a natural high!

  10.  #10Brenda on June 20, 2010 at 6:51 pm

    I’ve decided I’m going to CD an old friend of mine who has cerebral palsy.

    His name is “Matt”, and his body is twisted, and he’s in a wheel chair. He has normal intelligence, and he’s a nice man. He works at Wal Mart as a greeter, and that’s where I met him about 3 years ago. Then he and Ryan started coming to my church, which is really a community center, like a coffee house. He met Ryan at Wal Mart, too, and he’s the one who told Ryan about the coffee house. So I have him to thank for me meeting Ryan!

    Matt’s had an on-again, off-again girlfriend ever since I’ve known him. Every time I spend an hour or so to sit down and talk with him at Wal Mart, he seems to get the idea that I’m romantically interested in him. Each time I clearly define my position, as just friends, because that’s truly all I ever want it to be. And each time he gets hurt and withdraws. I am hoping that by now, 3 years into the friendship, that he will just accept my friendship and not try to make it something more than what it is. But I think it will be healthy for both of us to just enjoy each other’s friendship.

    We have a lot in common…toxic relationships with people who we both know, and German Shepherds. He got a German Shepherd as an assistance dog, and we have compared notes a lot, cuz I have two German Shepherds. Mine are working dogs, too…they’re cuddlers! 🙂

    So this will be nice, and I’m going to be a friend to Matt.

  11.  #11Jilly on June 20, 2010 at 6:52 pm

    yes I love that super charged feeling when a great man is in the picture…I’m trying not to just feel happy when I know there is someone I’m interested in pursuing me…I want that feeling to come from me when I decided..not because of someone else.

  12.  #12Brenda on June 20, 2010 at 7:02 pm


    Me too. I want to be in control of my moods and energy, not a man. But when I was with Ryan, I was going on 4-5 hrs of sleep a night over and over, and it didn’t matter. I was on a natural high as I’ve never seen before or since!

  13.  #13StarLight on June 20, 2010 at 7:04 pm

    um, wow, my story tonight is a bit different, I’m feeling very mellow, very full, very diva siren-ish…just had a date with a very nice 31 year old lawyer (and um, I am old enuf to be his mother – but who cares?) he is funny and sweet – and oh! such a good kisser mmmm it feels fantastic just to make out and say um, i don’t feel comfortable going any further, I don’t like one night stands how about you …. and go to the door one last kiss, yes, dinner felt lovely, I liked it thank you! goodbye … yum!

    Thank you universe, it’s been a long time coming!

  14.  #14StarLight on June 20, 2010 at 7:06 pm

    oh, Thank You , Rori; I know I would not be in this place if I had not found you and your terrific programs…if any of you Sirens want what you say you want, you will follow Rori’s Tools word for word…it works! Beautifully! 🙂

  15.  #15StarLight on June 20, 2010 at 7:09 pm

    Hey Tina: *hugs* to you; I’m feeling deep breath for you – ok, two deep breaths! We are here for you; I hope everything works out OK …

  16.  #16Simply Shannon on June 20, 2010 at 7:14 pm

    Grrr. I got triggered tonight by my sister in law. Over some miscommunication about where we were eating pizza no less. The passive aggressive tone… phew, I wanted to scream. I totally went into “run-over” mode. Basically ignoring her and saying “we’re doing XYZ”. Period. No discussion and walked off.

    What was that about? I just emailed her with some feeling messages but at the time I just wanted to blow her the hell off.

    Sha-nay-nay wanted to tell her to drop her dang ‘tude and tell me what was the problem. Like stop blaming me for this misunderstanding. I didn’t force you to wait 45 minutes at my parents’ house. It’s not MY fault you sat there and got pissed off waiting.

    Grrrr. What the heck is this!?! I feel MAD!

    I also feel scared sending her that email. I feel surprised and proud I sent it. Normally I would just blow it off (she pulls the passive-aggressive thing a decent amount). I’m not around her all the time, so sometimes it feels easier to just ignore it, but this time… nope. So for that, I feel proud.

    I don’t know how or if she’ll respond. Here’s the message. Ya’ll mind critiquing please? I feel embarrassed. This seems like such a minor thing (over friggin’ pizza!) but it hella triggered me.

    – – – – – –
    Hey K! I feel confused about what happened at the pool. When I asked Mom, she told me that there was some confusion about where we were going to eat pizza. I felt surprised when she suggested that I was the one who said we would eat at their house. I didn’t remember saying that. Only that we would like to eat pizza (I thought at the pool).

    I felt hungry and impatient while we were waiting, and I sensed ya’ll were frustrated waiting for us to show up. Any suggestions how we can make sure that doesn’t happen again? I don’t want to feel bad after such a great time at the pool.

    – – – – –

    Is that an appropriate use of context like Rori mentions in the post? Blaming or not? I’d like some feedback.

  17.  #17Brenda on June 20, 2010 at 7:19 pm


    It sounds perfectly fine to me! You are really good with feeling messages…I usually take notes!

  18.  #18Brenda on June 20, 2010 at 7:26 pm

    I gave a stab at discussing stuff with Kenny per Rori’s topic on this thread. I know this isn’t totally kosher, but that’s cuz I’ve tried feeling messages in this area, and he is just hard-headed and blind…keep in mind, this is my exhusband, who is still in love with me and wants us to get back together, while I have been resisting for 4 yrs, since I divorced him.

    Dear Kenny,

    Hi! How are you? I love you so much, and sometimes I feel sad because I feel at a loss how to communicate to you about heart things that really matter to me. I see so many beautiful qualities in you, yet I always stop short when i think about ever deepening our relationship again, because my deepest heart needs are not being met. I don’t intend to blame you or make you wrong. I just feel isolated sometimes in our friendship because my deepest heart doesn’t feel understood by you. I feel so frustrated that I can rarely talk about these important heart issues in words out loud with you, because right away you get defensive, and then you start interrupting. So I shut up and feel isolated.

    I know you would like to be more than friends, yet I feel like giving up on ever trying to be that way again. When that happened about being hung up on two days in a row, I felt disrespected and misunderstood. I was 5 minutes from vomitting. I was speaking in gentleness and the pain of feeling yucky in my tummick. And how can you be harsh with someone when they just shared they are about to vomit? I am not meaning to hurt you. I feel like a flower being picked by a callous farmer with gloves on sometimes. It would feel so good to be treated with utter gentleness and sensitivity, to feel the syncronicity of you tuning into my vibe.

    I feel exasperated every time I try to process relational issues with you and instead of hearing me and responding, you go right into blame-shifting and saying you’ll only call once a week. If you could just let that defensiveness go, there would be a chance for us to get closer. That’s what I wish. I love you!

    I feel lonely tonight. I love you! Did you get my two cards yet?

    I love you! I misss you!

    Your Loving Pookie,

  19.  #19Daria on June 21, 2010 at 12:14 am

    Brenda – the letter feels very blaming and to me, while seeming to take a nice tone. Reading it i felt like I was hearing something like

    “oh dear sweetheart, can’t you see that you’re wrong and im right? come on now, lets just agree that you’re wrong? okay… ? now give me a kiss”

    I actually feel triggered that it reminds me of a letter I wrote to transformer man when he was in jail… which I didn’t send. At the time I felt it was a relief to write it, then I felt glad later I didn’t send it. Cuz it was not feeling messagy and even though i was telling hte truth, the way i was telling it was not what I want for a relationship.

    This is how I would tweak the letter

    “Dear Kenny,
    Hi! How are you?

    I love you so much, and sometimes I feel sad because I feel at a loss how to communicate to you about heart things that really matter to me. I feel feel isolated sometimes and misunderstood. I don’t like being interrupted when I’m talking, and when it happens I feel really angry and shut off. I do not want to feel this way. What do you think we can do?

    I know you would like to be more than friends, and I don’t feel comfortable with that at this point.

    I still feel angry about being hung up those two days. I really felt like I was going to vomit. I don’t want to feel so angry and I don’t want a man that doesn’t soothe me when I’m upset.

    It would feel so good to be treated with utter gentleness and sensitivity, to feel the syncronicity of a man tuning into my vibe. It would feel good to feel heard and feel safe to be close to a man.

    I feel lonely tonight. I love you! Did you get my two cards yet?

    I misss you!

    Your Loving Pookie,

    I feel concerned that this letter is long and covers so much stuff it might be overwhelming… and I feel a lil worried about that .., and a bit drained by the whole thing

    I feel triggered to think that I would be hung up on by a man in jail, I mean are they free calls or what? I woudl feel amused, like did this mf in JAIL, just hang up on me haha. He’s gonna be sorry about that lol while I’m out doing non jail shit lol. I feel way more powerful when I’m talking to someone in jail, I mean if they hang up THEY’RE IN JAIL! and I’m not!!

    Where would they go!!

    Freakin jail calls, I gotta fight them off. I got 3 today missed yeah and I haven’t put money on my phone for 3 months, I wanted to tlak to my brother, I told this one man, my godbrother’s cousin I would visit him, I haven’t gotten around to it, oh well, I will I think someday soon.

    ouch pulling in my tummy i love the pulling in my tummy

  20.  #20Tina on June 21, 2010 at 12:21 am

    When I feel tense Im resisting a feeling oooooh 🙂 what is my feeling I am resisting? hm dunno. haha, I just noticed a june bug belly up on my desk lol funny lol poor thing , i think is dead, should I flip it over, I dont like june bugs. anyway back to my FEELINGS this is such a drag, my feelings my resistance is a drag, feeling needed is a drag, people are a drag. Respect is an oh yeah, I cant say I hate my mom BUT she certainly didnt respect me as a child, truckman didnt respect my need for safety, oh yeah we talked about it, my son wont change a light bulb, he comes out of the bath room, he says the light bulb is out, I said ok there is a new one there, I pointed to where it was , he turns around and says ill do it tomorrow, yuh! anyway he comes back upstairs to use the bathroom agian, still no changing it, he says he is tired and goes back to lay down, for some much needed rest yuh! i changed it, I want to write him a note in the morning to do the dishes and not to leave the house because im shipping him to grandmas for a few days.

  21.  #21Tina on June 21, 2010 at 12:22 am

    I respect and love my feelings of whatever my feeling is,

  22.  #22dorothea on June 21, 2010 at 12:36 am

    daria your version of brenda’s letter is a good shift into pure blame-less feeling.

    i feel uneasy with it as it stands…it still feels like..draining. i dunno how to describe this feeling

  23.  #23Daria on June 21, 2010 at 12:53 am

    Dorothea – Yes! I feel the same drainy feeling… it super triggers me to when i was writing transformer man… like

    im feeling hopeless that it will ever change… blah!


    i lov emy trigger

  24.  #24Tina on June 21, 2010 at 12:56 am

    I feel like critical and judgemental, the june bug is for sure dead. I feel like a goddess with sunshine glowing out my bum 🙂

  25.  #25Tina on June 21, 2010 at 12:58 am

    I dont feel drained I feel like popping an annoying zit or something, offing june bugs, fck it it’s dead anyway. I love my bad attitude , what do i do with a bad attitude? DAria? 🙂

  26.  #26Tina on June 21, 2010 at 1:00 am

    I love to look at the wild daisies in my yard 🙂 I love to look at the clovers too 🙂 I love the smell of fresh air.

  27.  #27Sweetpea on June 21, 2010 at 1:00 am

    Ugh! I should be sleeping! Don’t ask me why though. I guess because I feel tired. I also feel anger that I can’t seem to move past. I feel misjudged & stuck. I feel what feels like righteous anger to me. Someone projected their anger onto me & then beat my dog for reacting to what they thought was my anger. But I wasn’t angry at all. & I don’t believe my dog was being spiteful either. I believe she was just scratching to make herself a little nest like she always does. I feel angry that my dog was spanked in anger (which equals a beating in my mind) because someone was mad at me. I feel like beating someone for beating my dog unjustly.
    I feel frustrated that I can’t seem to let this go. I feel frustrated that my dog is still getting punished for being a dog. I feel stuck because I’m not able to get out of this situation right now. I feel scared that if I try to talk about this w/ the person I will lose control. I feel out-of-control anger boiling under my skin.
    I feel inept I didn’t say “this feels bad” when I first heard about it. I feel bad that I wasn’t in touch with my feelings enough to realize how angry I was & use feeling messages right then. Oh I feel rage! So so so angry! I know this person would not do serious damage to my dog, but I feel indignant. It feels like my dog took the brunt of anger that should have been directed toward me!
    I feel helpless because I don’t know how to fix it. I can’t fix it. It’s in the past. I can’t undo it.
    I feel explosive! Bigger than dynamite. I feel like I could do serious verbal damage. I feel like I WANT to do serious verbal damage. I want to tell this someone what a worthless piece of s**t they are for taking a misunderstanding between us out on my dog. I want to place blame.
    I just can’t get this anger to move. It feels like it grows everyday. I feel like a snake coiled to strike & one false move on their part could spell disaster.
    I love my dog. I don’t want her to be treated badly for acting like a dog. I don’t want to be told “I NEED” to do anything! YOU need to slow your roll, cupcake! Before I slow it for you! Oh… That’s not working.
    I love my anger. I love my indignant feelings. I love my rage! I love my feelings of inadequacy; my feeling of being stuck.
    I love my feelings of frustration & explosiveness. I love that I have the capacity to feel so strongly about the mistreatment of my dog & misdirected anger. I love my feelings of defensiveness.
    I feel like I could stir up a tornado with my words that would carry us all away! I feel like I could loose a hurricane with my angry thoughts! I feel like I could produce a thunderstorm of epic proportions with my indignancy & drown us all with my tears of frustration. I don’t want to feel destructive. I don’t want to feel potentially destructive! I want to move past this & just let it go!

  28.  #28Tina on June 21, 2010 at 1:02 am

    I feel calm, I cant be in my feminine energy ALL the time. I love the sound of the tweety birds 🙂 I wonder what their saying, I saw a skunk running across the road, I loved his spirit of determination cute skunk 🙂

  29.  #29Tina on June 21, 2010 at 1:04 am

    Starlight, yup breathe deep down into my pelvis. Calm is my first feeling I bring up from my soup mix, my funky melange 🙂

  30.  #30Tina on June 21, 2010 at 1:05 am

    and I love my messages from The Universe 🙂 oh I got to check my email

  31.  #31Sweetpea on June 21, 2010 at 1:20 am

    I feel guilty & like those feelings of guilt are being used to attempt to manipulate me to do things on their timetable. I feel selfish that I blew it off & did what I wanted to do today. I don’t want to be around this person right now. I don’t want to feel manipulated. I don’t want to be emotionally exploited. I want a great job that I love. That pays me well & my own place where my dog & I can just be. Just be – with no drama. I don’t want to feel punished. I don’t want to be around passive/aggressive people anymore. I feel a little passive/aggressive because I didn’t tell the person I wouldn’t do as they asked today. I just left.
    I feel tired of making plans with this person & not having them happen. I feel passive-aggressive because that was my thought when I made plans today – we never do what you plan with me anyway, so I’m not even going to ask if you’re going to keep them for a change today – I’m just going to do what I want. I don’t want to be passive-aggressive! I hate p/a!
    I feel yuck! ick! Blech! Aaaaarrrrrgggghhhhh!!!!!

  32.  #32Sweetpea on June 21, 2010 at 1:23 am

    I also sense that a lot of what is going on is jealousy because I am CDing – getting out of the house & having fun! I don’t want anyone to feel jealous of me because I am doing what needs to be done to work through triggers!

  33.  #33Tina on June 21, 2010 at 1:24 am

    Sweetpea, I have happy memories of my dog, he was crazy though. I was so proud of him when he passed doggy training class, he walked across the gym floor awe, I miss you fluffy. He was really bad the first day though, he put his head in the corner and wouldnt budge, once in awhile he would peek out at the class lol so cute.

  34.  #34Tina on June 21, 2010 at 1:27 am

    he was a llasa apso, he had aggression issues most likely from beatings or being tied up all the time and constantly harrassed by other dogs and people.

  35.  #35Brenda on June 21, 2010 at 1:38 am

    Daria, RE: #19 – my letter to Kenny…I really appreciate you taking the time to tweak this. I appreciate your suggestions. I suppose it is blaming. I guess after 10 years there are some issues I am so sick of dealing with I just feel like giving up.

    As for it being too much in one letter, I just go with it. It’s not like a text or whatever…I have to pay to write him each time, so I don’t limit the length. Plus we have a ten year history so length is not an issue. Plus he’s mature to handle stuff for the most part.

    The way the calls work is HE prepays them (with money I send him), and it’s about $1.60 for a 15 minute call.

    I think I’m going to resend him the letter using most of your wording…thanks again!

  36.  #36Sweetpea on June 21, 2010 at 1:39 am

    Lucy- I feel good that you have happy memories of Fluffy. I’m not saying my dog is blameless. I was just really confused by the amount of anger directed toward her over what was relatively little damage. Until it came out that it was thought she did it because I was angry at the other person. But I wasn’t angry at her! Not then. I certainly feel angry now!

  37.  #37Brenda on June 21, 2010 at 1:51 am

    Daria and Dorothea,

    Thanks for your feedback about Kenny. I guess maybe that drained feeling is cuz if it wasn’t a 10 year relationship with a friend who I intend to keep in my life forever, I would be fast on my way towards ending this right now. But I am hanging on while trying to let him know this crap feels draining to ME.

    I don’t get it, cuz he doesn’t pressure me to re-deepen the relationship, yet at every turn he tells me I’m the only woman for him. I think if that’s really the way you feel, fool, why not treat me like gold?? In his book, he DOES. But there are these ongoing niggling issues that keep me at arms’ length. I think if I were in his position, I would want to know why my favorite person didn’t feel the same way about him.

    So I’m trying to tell him. Every time I tell him, he just goes into blameshifting, and he says there ARE no issues between us, only other people who interfere with our perfect friendship. He just doesn’t get it. He just can’t handle any pressure whatsoever that all is not well in our world.

    I guess I should just stop trying and move on. I have moved on, but sometimes when I read his love letters, I think, darn! Here’s this sweet man who IS totally into me, yet he’s not sensitive to me and he interrupts me.

  38.  #38Brenda on June 21, 2010 at 1:57 am

    Hi Sweetpea!

    I slept most of the weekend, so I’m awake early. You meant to address that last post to Tina, not Lucy.

    How bout developing a brief script for that person next time the subject comes up? Use what Rori wrote here, “When that happened with my dog I felt very angry because my dog didn’t deserve your anger.” Or whatever feels right…I’m still struggling with this sort of feeling message, but you know your situation better. That person is seriously falling in the cupcake category!

  39.  #39Tina on June 21, 2010 at 2:00 am

    I want to look at hummingbirds out my window 🙂 My son said he saw a chubby hummingbird, cute.

  40.  #40Tina on June 21, 2010 at 2:02 am

    Truckman wants to “teach” me to make a craft hehe, I made my mom some crab dip 🙂

  41.  #41Daria on June 21, 2010 at 2:09 am

    Brenda – I have been knowing and dating transformer man for 10 years also. My first tool with him was ME HANGING UP when he started attacking me, which happened often.

    I feel triggered and amused thinking about sending a man money and HIM hanging up on me. Clearly I have the power here, in a way that is even more than what I want. I mean, HA. You hung up on ME? buddy lol. that’s not gonna happen… I am the one spending for this lol. I don’t spend to be hung up on lol. I haven’t been hung up on by a man in jail looool. I feel so amused by this. I feel gloaty that they’re injail and I’m not, so hanging up on me is irrelevant lol. I feel amused and evily. hehehe.

    I don’t “do” relationships wiht men in jail. Or send money or shoot I don’t even write them really. Like one letter a year. Baby why you don’t write meeeeee, send me pictures.

    Blah blah.

    They don’t even ask me for money on the books.

    I do visit my brothers, that’s enuf lol, I’m not dating them. I visit more at the easy visiting jails sometimes, when I’m feeling bored and feel like going. But don’t expect me to “do” the jail thing, uhuh. I want a REAL relationship with a man that’s free. If it were my husband than yeah … knock on wood. God I don’t want a hard life thank you.

    Ohh I feel jealous you dating well dude you’re in JAIL. What you gonna do about it lol? straight up. haha. ok.

    yeah so dude didn’t write me, I told him write to my godsisters, his intuition must be strong hmm now i got a fight with her. he wants me to visit him but i keep getting busy. dude you can write me. i’m only gonna visit you cuz u my godbrother cousin and i care for you, i don’t care how much i liked you, I wasn’t gonna visit you if you werent “related” some way

    but yeah

    I dono if I’m gonna get with him outta jail, he says he’s controlling, I don’t “do” controlling. I know you.

    we can be “patnas” we’ll connect on a masculine level then cuz i ain’t down with ‘controlling’

    we were able to respect each other on a masculine level


    maybe i’ll go visit him this wednesday, I feel scared soon I won’t have my license to go anywhre but work anymore, knock on wood for that going to work yah.


    yah this wednesday is good, i can write it in my calendar.

    this freakin county, its gonna be an all day affair,

    going in at 11 i’ll get out at like 5 or something who knows. yep day trip to da jail.

  42.  #42Daria on June 21, 2010 at 2:12 am

    I gotta make a ghetto movie about my life, my movie is gonna rock.

    its gonna be a classic like boys in the hood

  43.  #43Daria on June 21, 2010 at 2:25 am

    It’s gonna start with me growing up in romania during communism, then the revolution, then suburbia, then coming into the ghetto lifestyle and connecting with people, and then what happens then, everything being all fun and stuff, then our friend gets killed, and everything becoming dangerous, different characters like in real life etc, the hella hard gangster thats all about himself, the neighborhood leader that looks out for everybody, the suave one that everyone likes guywhohadababy, the godsister who’s hella down for herself, ohh my old friend who married my boyfriend who turned out to be a wimp, my lil bra whos really funny and raps,

    but then what

    im gonna have to select a story or what

    maybe more exciting stuff is gonna happen in my life from now on to add to it

    ok i can pop in even before that my trips abroad and stuff there,

    ghetto movies end sad, i feel scared

    maybe it ends with me moving to brazil, my lil bra has a job and kids, guywhohadaby and i dont talk right now, dude whos all about himself transformer man is still doing what he does etc, neighborhood cool to everyone dude is in jail,

    whats the main plot…

    it could be a cartoon of day to day life like the boondocks

    thats what i used to say

    but now that its over what if i forget the stuff we used to talk about that used to be so funny and fun

    i feel sad that i already forgot a lot


    i feel sad and pouty

    hugs to me

    i already seen the movie

    i love you

    i love you

    i love you

    you don’t have to remember

    you remember

    trust me

    you remember

    you already seen the movie

    love you


    it can focus on you and how you were hella in love with dude

    that married your best friend

    and tehn was hella sprung on guy who had ababy

    and kept hanging on to him
    but also was dating transformer man

    and got pregnant by him

    or maybe in spain

    and then at the end

    you finally find yourself and pull away from guywhohadababy

    and no longer stand for transformer man to treat you bad

    and you are just you now

    its like a women’s empowerment coming of age movie
    ghetto style

    wow that sounds kinda cool

    and now what?

    now tryan pull out of this what feels like a 3 year hiatus of doing nothing but sitting in the house

    i’m thinking sitting a lot is what’s mad eme susceptible to that urinary tract hting


    i feel mad at myself for having sat in the house for years



    i am letting myself be bored

    when i used to have the most exciting fun life of ANYONE

    i felt like ANYONE would be jealous of the good feeling life i was having

    like real real alive feeling

    and now i feel like i’ve been stuck


    i get stuck ALONE

    with others i feel free

    i want to fele FREEL .


    i dont want to need outside stuff

    i feel angry and tightening up ddeeeep inside

    stakcing up energy againts itsself somewhere in there

    i love my tightening up

  44.  #44Tina on June 21, 2010 at 2:26 am

    Daria, what does money on the books mean?

  45.  #45Daria on June 21, 2010 at 2:34 am

    like its not necessarily Fairytale good, might not even seem good, cuz i dont get with either guy, but it FEELS good, cuz im in my Power now

    so its not sappy,

    everyone will be guessing at who im gonna end up with and in the end i end up with me


    it felt really fulfilling to feel “cool” after having wanted to be that so much in middle school lol




    I DONT LIKE THE FREAKIN 7 year of bliss then take it away thing

    i mean thank you and I WANT MORE

    thats right

    i embrace my greediness

    give me the lovely


    what if my parenst like heal their communication challenges and i feel great with them, and i get a great man and family and stuff

    aaah i feel scared

    i also want to feel famous and show off how hot and cool I am too

    i don’t know if tooo, or rather to be honest it’s FIRST

    and i feel worried that i’ll run out of time

    please let me have BOTH thank you I want to see a world where i always have both and it feels good i get all i want

    like waht i want right now is a man or friends that have a nice car that pick me up and we go visit studios and blocks in oakland pittsburg frisco, all over the bay, and go to shows, aaaand are SAFE and i meet lots of men and feel Verrry cool cuz im part of the cool group which I Am and i get to meet all these people and don’t have to Do anything thank you and i get to look super fly and everyones like daaamn that girl is hella fine and then i start rapping and im really good right off the bat and just keep getting better and better and everyone respects me like a man and the men i feel attracted to feel attracted to me like a woman yeah and i rock !


    which is a lot like the life i had before minus the thing that i was driving then, and this time i wanna be DRiven




  46.  #46Daria on June 21, 2010 at 2:37 am

    Tina – money on the books means when you go and deposit money to someone in jail, its “on their books” like record books and they get to use it.

    to buy stuff like food or phone cards or whatever the hell they buy in there

  47.  #47Tina on June 21, 2010 at 2:44 am

    you mean canteen hehe, yeah i got it. I asked about really cool stuff, like waht they have, my penpal says they have a really nice body lotion lol, i was like oh nice, hm.

  48.  #48Tina on June 21, 2010 at 2:46 am

    Prison life is really odd to say the least, i suppose. I hear they call women who do that “breezy” is this true?

  49.  #49Brenda on June 21, 2010 at 2:50 am

    Another thot on writing Kenny…I have found it much more difficult to use feeling messages, etc. when I am personally involved and feel high emotions. i think this stuff should be discussed in person or at least on the phone.

    What prompted me to write him is I’ve tried to discuss it with him gently, one sentence at a time, on the phone for the last few days, and it wasn’t getting anywhere. So that’s why I wrote it in a letter. He can’t seem to handle any issues whatsoever without interrupting, and that’s one of my number one turn-offs.

  50.  #50Daria on June 21, 2010 at 2:50 am

    how do i give this to myself, i feel like a homeless drug addict crazy woman driving by myself around to nowhere, not knowing anyone to visit and stuff

    i feel triggered often when i get the feeling that i look like a crazy woman, like whoa i feel triggered i love my trigger

    how do i give myself the celebrity life, i feel too shy to show up on people’s blocks like heyyy, you don’t know me but i am obviously cool that much i have down, but since i don’t feel comfortable i feel worried it’s gonna get me attacked really

    i don’t feel comfortable crusing and just saying hi to random people

    id ont feel comfortable saying hi to random people Period

    unless im in my Goddess zone, I feel miffed i’m not feeling in my goddess zone at all times, rarrghh

    i feel miffed that i think i “need” other people to create my celebrity life

    i don’t know how to “be” a celbrity without knowing people

    how do i give this to myself so i can have more of it thank you

    i did give myself some of it on myspace,

    i want more real life, i want to visit peoples blocks and know people, i feel unsafe, i woud feel safe with a gun, i would feel real cool, i would feel too jumpy and afraid of the police, i don’t want to go to jail, i feel too stuck here, its time to move out the country, i fi were a celebrity would i feel good with a gun yes i would have money enuf to not be stuckstuck at the bottom mind trap, they got my hand in the mind trap im holding on to the nut like a monkey, im not all in tho yet, they aren’t checking the traps right now

    im gonna let go of the ntu soon, i’m gonna get a bigger nut im gonna see the bigger nut and let go of the smaller nut

    i feel afraid to let go of teh small nut before i see the bigger nut,

    i cant eat the small nut damn


    i want to be totally social anxiety less that woudl be awesome

    hello my name is Daria, im a celebrity its nice to meet you

    i feel totally safe, even if i were attacked i can kick your ass or at least get out of here feeling very cool with my self esteem and dignity intact yeah for sure

    oh you say you dont like me i dont believe you you cant take your eyes off of me, i am too awesome.

    i wear fake bliond ponytails and big glasses yes you can see me from far away, everyone stares at me

    i feel comfortalbe with this

    whod like to totally remove my social anxiety, i feel shaky and excited, i think then id feel really happy and not lonely

    erika says she can, maybe later

    i will try some on my own too, i can try the lefkoe videos i still have them, they worked for a lil while pretty strong effect, had a crash but i an try again,

    watch me with no social anxiety, hello i am daria and i am a goddess, and i feel lionely and i’d like to meet yall and hang with you, what do you think about that?

  51.  #51Daria on June 21, 2010 at 2:51 am

    Tina – I dono, breezy here is a term for women like calling a woman a chick

    hahhaa that breezy lol i suppose they do they might just call all women that well not grandmas and their moms, you know just chicks

  52.  #52Tina on June 21, 2010 at 2:52 am

    lol daria your funny

  53.  #53Tina on June 21, 2010 at 2:54 am

    Oh ok, I just heard that it was term used for women who give men money in prison. ok well you can make a rap about breezies then be famous 🙂

  54.  #54Tina on June 21, 2010 at 2:58 am

    Brenda maybe he is a feminine energy man. you know, you do , he feels.

  55.  #55Daria on June 21, 2010 at 2:58 am

    hello i am from romania and i dont speak english, i would like to hang with you, i think i was pretty confident at first, then i crashed and burned, it was a trauma i didnt see it coming, why was my style of being not working, it felt completely shocking and confusing

    mom these people dont like me, they dont like me, i dont get it

    ohhh i feel triggered

    i love my triggers

    i feel so furious i could understand how that columbine stuff happened right off the bat,

    ohh they didnt like me. nothing i did made a difference

    people always liked me before, i mean besides being bossy and sometimes selfish right, those are the quailties of a leader lol i feel amused, yeah but everyone liked me i was a class leader i felt sure of myself

    then i hit that weird wall then i felt like all thrown off and unsure of my reality, like going blind or something, i love my feelings, alcohol saved me from a life of cobwebs and extreme boredom and loneliness thank you alcohol you were my friend, i know you want to go now, thank you for bringing me here you rock

    alcohol got me friends yay! yay for alcohol alcohol got me me back, i got me back now, thank you alcohol for the great job you did, i wouldnt have known me and my friendability without you, you rock

    i want my friendability 100% this is what i want

    i dont want to feel wary or blocked or judgemental or afraid of people, when i see them, and awkward of what to say, or not, or blah

    i dont want to feel afraid of them, i want to feel easy flow

    i want 100% friendability

  56.  #56Brenda on June 21, 2010 at 3:01 am

    Tina, what do you mean about women who do breezy?


    I enjoy reading your novels. You really could make a good TV series or a movie! You got your book mostly written already, here on Siren Island!

    I’ve hung up on Kenny before and even walked out on him in the visiting room. I think right now he’s feeling his need for power cuz lately I’ve been resisting when he tries to order my days and I just do the opposite. I don’t want him to manage me. But I’ve realized as a man that off-balance in power is subtly affecting him. So I’m wondering if I should let him have the feeling of power in some small areas. He feels good when he helps me solve a problem, etc.

    He doesn’t belong there, and that’s why I cut him some slack. His detective told me if he had gotten justice, he would have been released after 2-3 years. He really does have a heart of gold. I just see some crap in him that drives me nuts from time to time.

  57.  #57Tina on June 21, 2010 at 3:04 am

    Its prison language i guess lol dunno. Daria could pass her LSAT and be a really good lawyer , thts a happy ending 🙂

  58.  #58Brenda on June 21, 2010 at 3:06 am

    Tina, I send him money because I love him and he’s family, even tho we’re divorced now. He doesn’t have anyone else.

    He’d be laughing if he knew anyone wondered if he’s feminine energy! He’s straight masculine energy! He doesn’t like being taken care of. He told me in his free life, he gave his ladies the best of everything, and he always had the bill. He’s not used to this, and he has thanked me many times over, and I feel confident that he will totally have my back when he gets out. He is very much the in charge type, and he used to run his own business selling tickets by phone to country concerts that he booked. He was filthy rich and he was in control. So I think sometimes it steps on the toes of his masculinity to have me in control of the relationship.

  59.  #59Brenda on June 21, 2010 at 3:07 am


    How old were you when you moved from Romania? It must have been so hard making that transition with a language barrier.

  60.  #60Daria on June 21, 2010 at 3:08 am

    Hello I would like to erase all that, that they didnt like me

    this girl called me over, then she said i act like a dog, and just do waht people say, i didnt really get their way of being

    i feel ashamed and so furious writing that, i havent liked that girl since 4th grade, i still feel like beating her ass haha

    ohhh then in 8th grade one time she said why would anyone want to go out with you, its not like youre pretty or anything, in front of these guys, i felt really mad, i didnt do anything, i could’ve slapped her, stupid suspension rules

    i told this guy she was dating the next day that she’s a ho, i made it up, she probably was tho,

    haha the whole school talked about it, i feel good i did SOMETHING, oh her friends came to ask me at my locker, why did i say something about their friend,

    i was like oh,,, i dont like her


    they were like .. pause… oh…

    haha yeah breezies

    i felt very proud of that

    oh these two girls or one girl said you look like the crack of my grandfathers ass, wrinkled and old, I was like ew

    it felt bad i felt bad about this i still remember it, i dont particularly like those girls either, i feel a lot of anger, what happened to fighting, people didn’t fight at that school, i woulda kicked those girls asses till they bled on the pavement outside of school were we don’t get in trouble, they probably had no clue, we didn’t play the word game thing in romania, it was real with the ass kickin , i always was good at that, it was my favorite game,

    hey chris lets go outside and fight, we’ll kick each others in the shins, ok you tie me up to this tree and see if i can get loose, you hit me in hte head with that toy axe i will make you bleed and bust your nose haha

  61.  #61Brenda on June 21, 2010 at 3:08 am

    Do I have to get ready for work now? Oh good, I have time for a nap before work. I don’t want to go to work. I want a fun job working with people.

  62.  #62Tina on June 21, 2010 at 3:09 am

    Brenda, I wasnt talking about you sending him money, I had no idea that you sent him money. I was asking Daria about what “in the books” meant or soemthing like that.

  63.  #63Daria on June 21, 2010 at 3:09 am

    Tina – blah I don’t want to be a lawyer, I want to HAVE a real good lawyer, I feel afraid I’d have to do too much fake shit to be a good lawyer, I dono I feel too overwhelmed with that stuff to be a lwayer

    i jsut do it to teach people lsat, i passed the gmat too for business with right under perfect, dammit if it was perfect id be one out 5 people in the world per year, i might try it again, i want a perfect, im a genius hehe

  64.  #64Brenda on June 21, 2010 at 3:10 am

    Not a nice way to play. Lava.

  65.  #65Daria on June 21, 2010 at 3:12 am

    It felt nice to me and to the people playing it, it was fun, I liked fighting, I was very good about it, haha no bighting or scratching, thats wimpy, haha i was very honorable

  66.  #66Tina on June 21, 2010 at 3:13 am

    Oh daria, my mom told me once when I was young that the rez kids were playing “cowboys and indians” she had to rescue me from being tied up, guess who was the “indian”, i was to young to remember that though. or maybe i was the cowboy , *shrugs

  67.  #67Tina on June 21, 2010 at 3:15 am

    Whatever you do you will be successful at it. if your gonna punch someone in teh nose make it good hehe, j/k thats what i was told, Im not a fighter, i cant stand violence, i grew up with it blah!

  68.  #68Tina on June 21, 2010 at 3:18 am

    im going to sleep , i have to drop off my son and give my mom some crab dip. Check out truckman, he has plans to make stuff. He’s all excited and cant wait to show me how to make stuff. ttyl Sirens 🙂

  69.  #69Tina on June 21, 2010 at 3:19 am

    its his “hobby” yeah cool, and were going to a water fall in the middle of nowhere,to do some sunbathing and swimming.

  70.  #70Daria on June 21, 2010 at 3:20 am

    Tina – I like violence, not like the hurt people in a sick way kind, but the like the fight it out with honor kind , i think fighting is a natural and great way to solve stuff, i feel amused and cool saying that against the mainstream idea, i like fighting haha I have since I was a lil kid yeah

    i liked ninja turtles and all that stuff

    i did kickboxing, my dad said it was not womanly, too late i grew up like this hello =

  71.  #71Daria on June 21, 2010 at 3:21 am

    ohhh date to waterfall in the middle of nowhere,

    i had a man wanted to take me to water caves, his car isnt working, i wasn’t so excited cuz the ocean is cold

  72.  #72mary on June 21, 2010 at 3:22 am

    from Rori’s newsletter:

    “I decided I no longer could afford to make ANY man the center of my life unless he was 100%, totally and completely devoted to me.”

    i have a man who is 100% totally and completely devoted to me, and i’m not sure i don’t want that from him.

    for me, this is the very delicate, whispery line that should not be crossed. i’m gonna tell him that i don’t want to date him any more.

    he was a good man for my rotation, but i want to be kind.

    it doesn’t feel kind to me to keep dating him. when i do that, knowing that he’s not seeing anyone else, and that he’s totally into me, and the feelings are not reciprocal, i don’t feel good about myself.

    i want to have good feelings about myself.

    so it’s time to tell him goodbye.

    what do you think?

  73.  #73mary on June 21, 2010 at 3:24 am


    i’m not sure i WANT that from him.

  74.  #74mary on June 21, 2010 at 3:27 am

    being kind, while caring for his feelings, also cares for my feelings. i feel good about myself when i’m kind to others.

  75.  #75Jennifer on June 21, 2010 at 3:35 am

    OMG sirens…
    I must be in hormonal over drive or some such thang.
    I was reading an article on an animal behaviourist…he swims with lionessess….YUMMY!!!
    SUPER YUMMY!!!! ME LIKEY! His pic is super HOT!!!
    And his job is just so freakin cool!!!!
    Then there is a new match on eharmony…a soldier named R….
    There’s a pic of him he titled “at work” he’s in desert camo, with bulging bicepts, tatto peeking out sniper glassess on….OMG.
    I love my hormonal fluctuations.
    I love that I only seem to be attracted to manly type men when I’m hormonal. Nice guys bore me in this mode.
    I want a manly man. Testosterone everywhere!
    Does anyone else get this way?

  76.  #76Jennifer on June 21, 2010 at 3:41 am

    OMG…I just thought about messaging R on eharmony…I see that he was looking at me..but he didn’t message me. So, now I feel reluctant to message him. I feel nervous!
    I want him to message me!!!!
    Maybe I’ll just pull up his pic and drool for a while.
    Dear Universe.
    This one looks cool…send him on over. Thanks.

  77.  #77Daria on June 21, 2010 at 3:48 am

    I feel triggered. Haha. I don’t THINK it’s kind to tell a man who’s into me that he can’t see me anymore.

    I would think that that’s not only not very kind, but disrespectful as I’m going in and making his decisions for him.

    Not cuz I don’t actually want to see him anymore, but becasue I assume he doesn’t want to see me anymore if he sees who I truly am and feel.

    All this Thinking isn’t mattering anyway

    oooh this feels weird

    well if i were in this situation, I would feel guilty maybe, and maybe i weird

    I would want to tell the man

    hey i feel good when i’m with you, and I feel like i’m being treated like a lady, but I’m not feeling 100% of a romantic connection, and I feel a lil uncomfortable. What do you think?

    and then see what he thinks

    ick I feel triggered at trying to be “kind” by telling a man I don’t want to see him when what I mean is I don’t feel attracted.

    Ok, if I don’t want to see the man yeah.

    I told that one Big guy I don’t feel a romantic connection, he keeps messaging me that i should be his girlfriend, i told him i dont want to be a girlfriend clearly from the get go, i feel turned off… realizing its about something else than just his size


    well i didn’t even tell him i don’t want to see him. i todl him i dont feel romantically attracted to him at this point.

    if he was to say ok, thats cool, i still want to see you at a level you feel comfortable with, i feel cool with that

    i feel triggered by the “kind” word, I feel like blah, ick, throw up,

    do i feel triggered cuz i feel concerned im being “unkind”?

    not really im not obligated to like anyone

    i feel icky icky icky

    i feel good about my expanding tolerance for man attention and love and about my expanding capability to tell the truth yeah

    i feel secure with this at this point yeah

    i feel tightened in my cheek i feel ICK blah ick

    I think I’m being kind by allowing a man to make his own decisions, i’m not his mommy ick. blah.

    I know i’m being kind when i tell him the truth in a compassionate way yeah.

    I choose to believe I’m being kind by being feminine yeah, yes yesy yes…

    i feel wierd like i stuck a half of a wet fish in my mouth slippery yuck blah ick

    i feel intrigued about this trigger
    I feel triggered that this could be unkind, no the truth is a blessing, allowing men to give to me is a blessing yeah, as long as i feel respected yeah

    ok if i tell you i dont feel romantically attracted and you tell me i should be your girlfriend and we should make another effort, i feel unheard i feel blah ick,

    you wouldve had a chance if you said ok buddy, got to know me at the level i felt comfortable with, but no i feel unseen, I feel like there’s no interest in me, cuz my words aren’t being hearddddd

    thats like rori when she says when we hold on to a man, we’re not even seeing him! aha yes its similar ok i get it now even more

  78.  #78Daria on June 21, 2010 at 3:50 am

    wow i feel so turned off reading that it feels icky

    wow wasssup with this trigger???

    being kind while caring for his feelings, also cares for my feelings


    blah it feels gross to me

    being kind while caring for my feelings, also cares for his feelings yes yes i believe this hehe my feelings are deeep colorful patterns and magic carpet tapestries, his are a lance hitting a gong hehe, i care about mine cuz thats caring about his yes, he feels safe when i care about my feelings yes yes yes yes yes thank u htank the goodness

  79.  #79Simply Shannon on June 21, 2010 at 7:04 am

    Mary, I went through this “need to feel kind” thing with Mr. Fab Kisser. And looking back, I know it was because I felt scared to tell him how I really felt.

    Listen pal, I don’t feel romantic towards you. And I feel angry and bad having to tell people no when they ask me out. AND I feel afraid that once a man stops calling me or asking me out that I’ll suddenly realize I was wrong and miss that person. So would you mind still asking me out occasionally until I’ve met the man of my dreams and then I won’t care about talking to you anymore?

    Hmmm… that might not be your truth, but it is mine.

    Ack. I feel embarrassed writing that out because it feels soooo selfish.

  80.  #80Brenda on June 21, 2010 at 7:53 am


    You don’t need to feel embarrassed. I can really identify with that.

    In general, with all these feeling messages, I am seeing more and more what an emotional creature I am! And, I know that is largely the purpose of using feeling messages all the time. I feel more and more comfortable with my soup of emotions! I felt agitated this morning over a mess-up with my paycheck. But I found myself taking it out on my Mom, and I realized that was wrong, and I was able to quickly apologize to her. In the past, she would have just thot I was mad at her. I wasn’t. Not at all. Just annoyed because this whole thing could have been prevented.

    Anyway, it sure means a lot to me to have a whole new set of friends to share all this stuff with! You women are wonderful! I really feel good coming to this oasis, and comparing our feelings and sharing our information. I feel like I am on the fast track to complete emotional wellness!

    When I see myself losing weight, I’ll know I’m really on a good path. My weight gain and loss always seems to pattern after how I’m doing emotionally, cuz it’s that food-mood connection!

    I really wanna be on Medifast…it works for me! But I can’t afford it. It just levels out my blood sugar so that ravenous craving goes away. But I feel happy because at least I know a good program that works!

    Better get busy…

  81.  #81Gigi on June 21, 2010 at 9:29 am


    I was just reading your thoughts on leveling out blood sugar…The south beach diet or zone diet also work well to level out blood sugar issues! I’m back to it because it makes me feel so good and also lose weight. It just takes a little effort. Have you ever tried one of those diets?


  82.  #82Brenda on June 21, 2010 at 9:32 am

    I got a wink from a really nice-looking man with a really nice profile on I just joined, and he is really a quality-looking man! So I feel excited, and more motivated than ever to get the weight off and get my life together. So far I like best. I also joined plenty of fish and OKCupid.

    Part of me feels too depressed to circular date. But with men like that contacting me, I’d be a fool to not follow thru! Hey, at least last night I finally got around to giving myself a pedicure, and today I ordered a refill of my blood pressure medication. I just need to focus on taking care of myself, and the rest will follow.

  83.  #83Brenda on June 21, 2010 at 9:33 am


    Thanks, I’ve heard of both…I’ll check them out!

  84.  #84Siena on June 21, 2010 at 9:34 am

    “I just need to focus on taking care of myself, and the rest will follow.”

    YES! That’s exactly right, Bren! That’s the ‘first domino’ thing that Rori talks about (one interpretation of it anyway) and it demonstrates that you’re serious about attracting a good man.

    And so good men can’t help but be attracted.


  85.  #85mary on June 21, 2010 at 9:41 am

    well, i am attracted to this guy.

    i have felt romantic towards him, but now a wall just goes up when he comes close because my mind is made up about him.

    we like a lot of the same things.
    i just don’t think i’d feel happy about a ring.
    he’s not dating anyone else, waiting and hoping.
    trying very hard.
    stepping up.

    i told him that i felt overpowered when we had some conversations, because i’m less verbal than he is, and i don’t want to be just a listening post; i want to share my views, too. and he was gracious about that. he constantly pauses and asks me how i feel and what i think.

    i told him that my feelings are deep colorful patterns and magic carpet tapestries and that i don’t want to always live in the practical present, and what did he think about that? he said he could alter the way he does everything and that he doesn’t need a perfect housekeeper or a precise cook. we’d do things together.

    i said that i like to be generous and i like to share what i have with others; not only my money but my time, and that i don’t want to stifle that tendency. how did that strike him? he said he would be supportive.

    it’s excruciating.

    i don’t believe him. i don’t want to hear that he’ll continually accommodate himself to me.

    i don’t believe he can.

    this is what happened to me before, but i was on the other side. i felt horribly rejected. and i blamed the guy for staying in the relationship while not being into me.

    it’s great, because now i see that i was the only one to blame, but i don’t think the guy i’m dating now will be able to see that he’s doing it to himself.

    so what?

    let him do his own work?

    proceed with me at your own risk?

    BEWARE. I might smile and flirt with you while not being into you?

    dear man,

    i just wanted to write you and tell you that i’ll date you as long as you want to date me. i’d like you to ask me out occasionally until i’ve met the man of my dreams, and then i’ll drop you like a hot potato.

    love and kisses,


    i do not want this to be my truth.

    so Shannon, you broke up with him!


    maybe putting the word “kind” on it was not the most accurate thing.

    the most accurate thing is that i don’t want this to be my truth.

  86.  #86Sweetpea on June 21, 2010 at 9:59 am

    Yay Brenda! I feel excited about your commitment to taking care of yourself FIRST! I feel so happy! Woohoo!
    While you’re checking out the South Beach & Zone diets, I’ wondering also if you’ve checked out the Abs Diet for Women. I had a friend who was on South Beach who told me the Abs Diet is similar, but I really liked it because it’s really designed for a busy lifestyle & concentrates on a healthy, well-balanced diet. Plus there are tons of quick & easy recipes, restaurant guides, core strengthening exercises, etc. It really concentrates on high protein but shows you easy ways to add it to everything & you still get to have fruits & veggies – which was a HUGE plus to me!
    Anyway – check it out. I’m so excited to hear about your successes!

  87.  #87Simply Shannon on June 21, 2010 at 10:15 am

    Mary, I feel good reading what you’ve written. My primary concern right now is doing what feels good to ME. What feels good to Mary? Not “nice” or “I don’t want to hurt his feelings” but truly what Mary wants. What is the feeling behind your “I don’t want this to be my truth” statement?

    Because when I read your statement, I feel in agreement. The alternative in my mind is…

    “I’ll let you go until I meet the man of my dreams. And please don’t let me be wrong that you could have been that man.” Blech. Not exactly great feeling either.

    How could I explore and/or tell a man that I don’t trust his words? He’s telling me he can accommodate me and yet *I* don’t believe him. Is that a past issue, or is that something distrustful that I see in him?

    As for Mr. Fab Kisser, I didn’t break up with him exactly. I told him how I felt and he still wants to see me. I’m going out with him again on July 2nd (after my Man Fast – which he knows about). He emailed me a card just a few days ago.

    And with him, he’s got a deal breaker happening for me right now. I want to be with a man who shares my faith, where I’m not questioning his beliefs. And I’m planning to tell him this and leave it up to him to decide if he wants to hang out with me.

    I may eventually go no-contact with him but only if it’s hurting me to keep him in my rotation. We’ll see.

    Does any of that peak your radar? 😉

  88.  #88Simply Shannon on June 21, 2010 at 10:17 am

    Or maybe you got your message from him (hello mirror) and you can move on.

    I don’t want to convince you either way. Just sharing my thoughts and feelings.

    As you remember, I felt stuck in the same place with Mr. Fab Kisser and waffled (still am) about it.

  89.  #89Sweetpea on June 21, 2010 at 10:19 am

    Daria, I’m going to jump on the unconventional wagon with you. I think fighting was a better way to settle things. The way our society goes about settling things these days only serves to make lawyers rich & jam up our court system with petty cases instead of real legal problems.
    But I also understand that fighting has been taken way too far & that’s the reason it’s so verboden these days. Because you have people shooting each other because they lost the fist fight. The line has to be drawn somewhere I suppose. There are no honorable fights anymore.
    At least in the Old West there was honor in gun fights. You faced your opponent & knew it was coming. Oh for the days before drive-by shootings.

  90.  #90mary on June 21, 2010 at 10:45 am

    Simply Shannon! and Daria,

    this is all so helpful.

    thank you so much.

    it feels ick and yuck to be around this guy now because i’m unable to scale the wall that constantly comes up.

    i don’t want to be constantly explaining why i don’t want to be affectionate. it’s all we ever talk about any more.

    i’m not gonna say i’ve lost my attraction to him. i can absolutely go there! i just feel awful if i do. like it’s acting. or only being physical, when i want all of me to be involved (i know this is only my personal preference, and some people don’t mind being only physical. it feels fine for them to be that way. and it feels fine to be the way i am.)

    i think that it’s two big things, really…

    sharing the same faith is also a big thing for me. it’s at the crux of every decision, everything that is meaningful in life. and though he says he’ll go to church with me, etc., it isn’t a decision he made for himself. i feel suspicious.

    (to answer your question about trusting him to do what he says he’ll do… i just think his natural temperament and personality will take over his intentions.)


    part of me is holding out for the guy i used to know. he is very close to divorce and has been processing through in all the good ways. i nearly married him way back when, but he didn’t share my faith. now he does.

    i want a spiritual connection. in my marriages i was the one that was more into spiritual things. i’d like to share that depth and richness with a man now.

    maybe a man that could teach me some things? and i could be the muse for him?

    i can continue on with this guy. and let him do the deciding. i don’t want to go in and make decisions for him. that idea doesn’t feel good to me.

    i’ve made it plain and clear to him, and he’s still around. but every time we’re together, he gets frustrated. and he says things like, “see, if we were together, and if you were coming my way, i’d put my arm around you right now.” -or- “i never know how to act around you because i don’t want rejection, so i don’t initiate, but then i wonder if maybe, possibly, you might respond, so i constantly think about initiating.”



    i feel his agony.

    and i like it that i have the ability to feel his feeling.

    i see the line of thinking here, and my mind says, “yes. this is counter culture, counter intuitive, but i love it!”

    doing it is another thing, eh?

  91.  #91Sweetpea on June 21, 2010 at 10:48 am

    Mary, I understand how you’re feeling. This is an area I really struggle with. I know in the past if I wasn’t feeling it with someone I would just tell myself, “this guy is saying all the right things and seems sincere” & stick in there until I knew one way or another. But it wasn’t very effective.

    Shannon – I feel interested in your processing of this. It’s really helping me to understand that focusing more on what I’m truly feeling in those kind of situations would have been so much more helpful. I can think of one situation in particular where it would have been so much easier for me to day, “you’re doing all the right things, but I feel skeptical of your sincerity. I don’t want to allow you back into my life. I don’t want to be a conquest.” (he was someone I wasn’t really interested in but he pursued me big time).

    Wow. This is really interesting. I have to think on this some more.

  92.  #92mary on June 21, 2010 at 11:06 am

    and if i say, “sure! i love your arm around me!” it seems like a mixed message. i do it, because i’m feeling it in the moment.

    then i worry about how it felt to be involved with an intermittent man. it was suspenseful and i was on edge.

    staying focused on me is a really hard thing to learn. buying into it means it has to work. for me.

    i actually feel wonderful when other people feel good when i’m around. the things i do; the way i am…

    i feel pretty ick when my actions make other people feel bad, unless i think they’re dead wrong, and they’re harming someone. in that case, their awful feeling is just a consequence.

    is feeling bad and not trustful about what i’m doing a consequence for someone who just wants to love me?

    i don’t want that.

  93.  #93Brenda on June 21, 2010 at 11:47 am

    This man just winked at me on! Here is part of his profile:

    “Part Teddy Bear, part social butterfly, why not lets go fly a kite together. Can u handle that. I like to walk in the park, on the beach under the stars at night holding hands real close,i like sailing in a boat on the water,but if there”s no wind ,row.”

    Well you all know I like teddy bears! And butterflies are special to me since they represent new life, freedom, and growth! And I got a kick out of it when he said he likes to row if there’s no wind! Yeah, buddy, you can row this relationship! I really dig his overall profile!!!!!!

  94.  #94mary on June 21, 2010 at 11:51 am

    i had a relationship where the guy kept doing deal-breaker things. i realized that he just wasn’t gonna break up with me. ever.

    so i broke up with him.
    but i always felt as though he was the one who dumped me.

    i don’t want to be that wimpy about this guy. but i hesitate, because i’m learning new things on the blog and from Rori’s CDs.

    i don’t want to be the person doing the deal breaking things. it puts me in a position that i don’t like or enjoy. why would i want to stay there? spending time with this guy is no longer fun or easy because he feels pain. i’m not responsible for that pain, and i know i can’t heal it (and be true to myself), so i can move away from it.

  95.  #95mary on June 21, 2010 at 11:52 am

    thanks, Sweetpea.

  96.  #96Brenda on June 21, 2010 at 12:11 pm


    Just follow your intuition…sounds like you’re not head-over-heels…listen to your inner self. Did you ever see “Meet Joe Black”? I really like the part where Anthony Hopkins discusses the light-hearted feelings of being in love with his daughter. Until you feel that, he’s not the one for you. Trust yourself.

  97.  #97Lucy on June 21, 2010 at 12:12 pm

    Brenda, I feel happy and excited reading about your Teddy Bear wink. 🙂

    I also feel great reading this: “I just need to focus on taking care of myself, and the rest will follow.”

    Yay Brenda!!!!

  98.  #98Sweetpea on June 21, 2010 at 12:12 pm

    I just read the newsletter. I feel scared when Rori says you likely won’t recognize your dream man right away. I feel uncomfortable thinking that I won’t feel that blast of passion like I’ve felt with guys in my past. Hmm… When I think about it though, the guy who I still feel love for in my heart (but am comfortable knowing we’re better apart) was someone I wasn’t immediately attracted to. And he was my physical ideal & really quite handsome.
    Hmmm… I questioned it all along & sabotaged it in doing so. I thought the questioning would be something I’d get over using the tools.
    That feels scary. I don’t want to feel like I’m settling for a man just because he’s stepping up. Really when I think about it I wasn’t immediately attracted to any of the guys I was in LTRs with. And they all ended badly. Is that where this is coming from?

  99.  #99Lucy on June 21, 2010 at 12:19 pm

    Mary, I had a similar situation several months ago . . . the guy was wonderful and so into me, but he just wasn’t right for me and I started to feel so uncomfortable that he was head over heels and I wasn’t, and I was actually growing less attracted. He was talking about marriage and sometimes I felt like, “Eek, let me outta here!”

    I ended up telling him, “I feel confused” — because that was truly my predominant feeling. And when he asked me out again, I said, “I feel confused and unsure.” I did give a tiny bit of “context” also but not much, and I forget the rest of what I said exactly . . . but it was enough that he let me go and I haven’t heard from him since.

    Lately I have been thinking about him! It has been months since I’ve seen him. I miss him a little bit. Not a lot. But now I kinda wish I had told him I would like to be friends. He was alright to spend time with, kinda comfy for me, but — ack, bad kisser, etc. Friends would feel good.

    I “viewed” his profile on pof recently, and am kinda hoping he will contact me. Then I can tell him that I miss him and that I would feel good spending time with him as a friend.

  100.  #100tinque on June 21, 2010 at 12:21 pm

    Sweetpea – I don’t know if it was my fears or something else that got in my way, but I certainly did not recognize K as my dream man right away.
    And I can assure you I DID NOT settle, not in any way, shape, or form. In fact he exceeded any dreams I had.
    There was attraction, yes, and sexual excitement, yet the passion and lust grew as did true intimacy and love.
    Does this help at all?

  101.  #101Sweetpea on June 21, 2010 at 12:23 pm

    Being in the now helps. I can question, but ultimately I know I don’t have to make a decision RIGHT NOW. I can just enjoy being – and not rip things apart and feel like I have to make a decision – until I feel comfortable with it. That feels less pressured. Which feels good.

  102.  #102tinque on June 21, 2010 at 12:24 pm

    yes sweetpea, yes.

  103.  #103Siena on June 21, 2010 at 12:33 pm

    I’m feeling really good. I feel good knowing that spending the last 6 months here on Siren Island has put me back in touch with my feelings, and therefore my intuition is stronger than ever.

    I can trust myself again to never break my heart again. I feel a deep sigh of relief.

    I didn’t feel good with #2CD, and I didn’t really know why. I mean, I had some reasons, but at the end of the day, when I was with him and asked myself, “do I feel good with him”, the answer was no.

    So I told him I didn’t want to see him again, and he responded meanly and in a very ugly way, basically attacking me. We had only been on 2 dates, and so I feel his reaction was over the top.

    I didn’t respond, and I don’t need to. Lesson learned, I can trust my intuition by following my feelings of whether something feels good or not to me.

    Thank you #2CD for that lesson!

  104.  #104Brenda on June 21, 2010 at 12:41 pm


    This sentence is genius!

    “I can trust myself again to never break my heart again.”

    Wow, deep! I really did a double take on that. I am in control of whether my heart gets broken! I really like that, and I’m going to store that in my heart of hearts!

    Whenever I feel bad intuition about a man and send him away, it seems more often than not, he attacks me like you described. And then that right there is my confirmation that I sensed right.

    A mature, good-hearted man will just politely walk away with his dignity and not try to hurt me.

  105.  #105Sweetpea on June 21, 2010 at 12:42 pm

    Tinque – thank you. That does help some.
    I’m noticing some things with my Steppin Up CD guy. I am really enjoying spending time with him & am learning from him to receive. Which is a little uncomfortable for me – but feels really good. And I feel really safe with him, so I feel comfortable not only telling him how I feel, but just letting myself feel things in general.
    But he just looks at me so goofy sometimes. And I just realized a couple of days ago that when he looks at me like that, he reminds me of someone I once dated who was also a giver, but really co-dependent & ended up going back to his ex-wife.
    That’s a really cute smile, just bad connotations with it. And part of the reason I feel uncomfortable is because he looks at me like he adores me. Which feels uncomfortable. And I remember thinking, “wow. I bet I made a few guys feel uncomfortable looking at them like this.”
    I just feel interested that since I identified those two things, a lot of that discomfort has melted away.
    I’m still not attached to the outcome. I really feel like I’m learning a lot from him & he’s teaching me all sorts of things. He’s like a lot of messages all wrapped up into one lovely person. But it’s hard for me to not worry that I’m going to hurt him.

  106.  #106Brenda on June 21, 2010 at 12:43 pm

    Thank you all for your encouragement. I had a pretty low-gear weekend, and I’m feeling better today, both physically and emotionally.

    As I interact with you ladies, I feel my self-esteem rise, like being buoyed up on waves that are above my ability! It feels really good here! I only wish Rori really did own an island and that we were all swimming and having a royal siren party there! **giggles!** Hey, I know, Tony Robbins owns an island in Fiji…maybe Rori and Tony can collaborate! LOL!

  107.  #107Lucy on June 21, 2010 at 12:44 pm

    I feel weird and nervous reading this on a guy’s profile:

    ‘Now, how many of you realize there are guys that want the same thing. It’s happened to me…the games, the “I’m dating you, but have another date later…” I’ve opened up, dated, and been hurt since my divorce.’

    HMMMM…. the “I’m dating you, but have another date later…”



  108.  #108Siena on June 21, 2010 at 12:44 pm

    Bren, Rori said that somewhere…maybe in Modern Siren… that if we do this work, we never have to trust another man, because we trust ourselves. I didn’t really get it until #2CD came along.

    It really is up to me whether I allow my heart to become involved with someone who will hurt it, and to open my heart and receive love from someone who will cherish it.

    It’s incredibly empowering. Yay!

    I feel so proud of you for everything I see you posting these past couple of days – it feels like you turned a corner!

  109.  #109tinque on June 21, 2010 at 12:47 pm

    And maybe you won’t hurt him at all sweetpea. Try not to worry about things that are not here right now. Chances are they won’t come to be, and even if they do, trust that you will know what to do. He can take care of himself AND his feelings. It’s not your responsibility.

  110.  #110Lucy on June 21, 2010 at 12:48 pm

    I feel sad that the hottie who emailed saying he had been winking at me for months — and I felt so excited about and attracted to — has been logged on to pof every day but did not respond to my response.


    Things START to go well for me and then they go POOF.

  111.  #111Siena on June 21, 2010 at 12:48 pm

    Lucy – blech. Unless he’s another 25 yo (haha) he knows that if he’s just dating, he’s just dating, and it’s not exclusivity.

    I call foul on that guy.

  112.  #112Sweetpea on June 21, 2010 at 12:49 pm

    Siena – I agree with Brenda.
    I’ve been feeling that for awhile – that I’m the one who has broken my heart in the past. The guys were just the tools I used to do so.
    I’m happy for you that you followed your intuition & then got confirmation that it was the right thing right away. Isn’t that the best?!
    Go Siren!!

  113.  #113Siena on June 21, 2010 at 12:55 pm

    Lucy re #110: how do you know he’s been logged in everyday?

    If you lean back energetically too (and not check up on him) the chances that he’ll get in touch are like 99%.

  114.  #114Brenda on June 21, 2010 at 12:57 pm

    Thanks, Siena!

    Yeh, I feel like I’ve turned a corner, too.

    What would feel really good is say Ryan looked me up in a couple of months and I’m seriously CDing, dropped 20-30 lbs, and just feeling better all around. I feel confident that he will look me up again…it’s almost three weeks since he called me and then didn’t call back, and I feel certain he’s testing me, as he mostly does. I just want to feel successful and for him to see without me saying it that my success or failure doesn’t ride on his treatment of me.

    Sorry, I can’t help but think of him still. He comes across as this naive, innocent, soft-spoken kid, but he really messes with anyone’s heart. I’ve heard of mind-f’ing, when someone plays games with your head. He is the only person I ever met who heart-f’s you. It is the most painful, horrible thing another person has ever done to me.

    But I believe in the power of God to transform people. What’s supernatural to us is natural to God!

  115.  #115Brenda on June 21, 2010 at 12:58 pm


    Thanks! You are such an encouragement to me!

  116.  #116Lucy on June 21, 2010 at 12:59 pm

    I have a thing against bald guys. I’m just not attracted to men with no hair — I mean, guys probably wouldn’t be attracted to a girl with no hair either, right?

    So, why do I get so many emails and date requests from bald men?

    Bald men and 20 somethings.

    OH YEAH! because I can’t have what I want!

    Been trying to heal that. Been trying to change that to I CAN have what I want.

    But “what I want” keeps popping in magically and unexpectedly — and then disappearing just as magically and unexpectedly in a puff of smoke.

    I did go on a date with a bald man just to get the message. (And, as you all know, I also went out with one of the 20 somethings.)

  117.  #117Lucy on June 21, 2010 at 1:00 pm

    But the bald men and 20 somethings just keep coming my way.

  118.  #118Sweetpea on June 21, 2010 at 1:00 pm

    Tinque- thanks. I know I keep telling myself he’s a big boy & responsible for his own feelings. It’s just that I can identify w/ Mary & what she’s going through. It’s hard knowing that the potential is there to cause someone pain. Even though I know if it happens, I’m not the real cause. It’s part of their growth process too.
    I find that I’m getting triggered a TON today. And I feel like the tons of triggers have always been there, it’s just that I’m recognizing them & knowing what to do with them now. And I’m learning, like Siena, to trust myself and to believe that I’m attracting what I need. Even if it doesn’t feel comfortable at the time, I don’t feel so scared because I know I won’t ever experience what feels like irreparable emotional damage again. This growth experience feels amazing. Lately I’m feeling awed that everything is happening so fast! And now I’ve met this CD who’s all these great messages & mirrors & lessons all wraPped up in one & I’m like, “holy cow!” I feel like a tree who’s about to pop out the greenhouse window!

  119.  #119Lucy on June 21, 2010 at 1:02 pm

    Siena, I feel embarrassed.

    “If you lean back energetically too (and not check up on him) the chances that he’ll get in touch are like 99%.”

    I feel sheepish.

    Caught with my hand in the cookie jar.

    Thanks, Siena. <3

  120.  #120tinque on June 21, 2010 at 1:03 pm

    sounds awesome to me sweetpea. it can be overwhelming at times when things come at you like a tidal wave, yet it feels amazing at the same time.

  121.  #121Sweetpea on June 21, 2010 at 1:07 pm

    Brenda – It would feel great to me if you got comfortable Cding, dropped the weight, pulled that self-confidence up, ran into Ryan & didn’t even remember who he was for a moment.

    I feel like you’ve turned a corner as well. I’m so happy! And. I feel like the above scenario will happen one day soon. As my mom would say, “hide & watch!”

  122.  #122dan_brodribb on June 21, 2010 at 1:09 pm

    Simply Shannon wrote: “I don’t feel romantic towards you. And I feel angry and bad having to tell people no when they ask me out. AND I feel afraid that once a man stops calling me or asking me out that I’ll suddenly realize I was wrong and miss that person. So would you mind still asking me out occasionally until I’ve met the man of my dreams and then I won’t care about talking to you anymore?”

    I have similar fears around women.

    “How could I explore and/or tell a man that I don’t trust his words? He’s telling me he can accommodate me and yet *I* don’t believe him. Is that a past issue, or is that something distrustful that I see in him?”

    Again, this happens to me, and I don’t have an answer.

    What I’ve been doing is reminding myself I don’t have to figure everything out. Just keep being me the best I can, treating myself and others honestly and well and trusting things to play out as they will.

  123.  #123Simply Shannon on June 21, 2010 at 1:14 pm

    Lucy, I too used to believe I wasn’t attracted to bald guys (or 20 somethings but I’ve been saying no to those so far 🙂 ). Mr. Masculine Man was bald and I definitely found him attractive. I felt pretty surprised by it too. This is gonna sound really weird but sitting across from him on our second date, his face was literally morphing in front of me. It’s like my brain said “look at him this way” and I really felt attracted to him. AND he has a weird tooth and I am a snobby mouth person. So to know I could be attracted to someone so outside of my norm was an eye opening experience.

    When I jump back into the CD pool on July 1st, I’m going to focus on finding the message and not THE boy. God has made it pretty clear to me that I haven’t met THE boy yet. I believe he’s out there and it’s taking time for both of us to be in a good place. I believe all of this time spent CDing will get me to that good place. He’s on the other side doing the same thing.

  124.  #124Sweetpea on June 21, 2010 at 1:20 pm

    Dan, I thought you have a girlfriend? You still feel these things about women? I feel confused. 😉
    It’s a joy to see your comments & get a man’s POV occasionally. I fear if you learn all of out secrets we may ruin you for any other woman, though!

  125.  #125Lucy on June 21, 2010 at 1:27 pm

    Shannon, I did feel surprised when I went out with the bald guy — I was a bit more attracted than I expected. 🙂

    But I kinda have a strong preference for lots of hair — on the longish side especially.

    But I have been opening my heart to guys with all kinds of hair/no hair. Like a good girl.

  126.  #126Lucy on June 21, 2010 at 1:28 pm

    Dan, are you bald or 20-something? Just wonderin’…. 🙂

  127.  #127Sweetpea on June 21, 2010 at 1:30 pm

    Funny. I feel like I’ve been that girl that guys are hesitant to let go of because they might miss me. But ya know what? If they didn’t know already – I’m not the girl for them.

    Dan’s got me thinking of the irony of the statements he pointed out & how guys really are more open about their feelings. I wouldn’t say more in touch with… They just feel how they feel & run with it. I really have felt like guys I’ve dated were undecided about me but wanted to keep me around just in case. Guys know this about themselves & they’re ok with it. Whereas we sit around and analyze for days to figure out that’s how we feel. And then we feel guilt for feeling it!

    Men are so awesome!

  128.  #128Sweetpea on June 21, 2010 at 1:36 pm

    Wonder Woman – this whole process feels to me very much like what you’re talking about. As a self-professed commitment-phobe, I find encouragement here to go face my dragons – over & over until they turn into the little lizards of fear they actually are!
    I’ve always been fascinated by that show you & Shannon talk about. I feel the pain & fear of those people when it starts out & then revel in their success when it’s over. Those who don’t experience success – who resist it are the ones that really break my heart! Congratulations on your success!

  129.  #129Daria on June 21, 2010 at 1:47 pm

    I got my period!!!! YESSSS!!!! JOYYYYY!!!!

  130.  #130Daria on June 21, 2010 at 2:00 pm

    I feel perfectly HAPPY and gloaty that I feel good to date men until I get in the relationship i want. THis is because I AM A GIFT to men. My presence and EVEN MORE SO my honesty is a GIFT. I gift them by being me, yeah, I feel glad that they get to enjoy my presence while they can yes wooo hooo

    this is so not an issue for me right now yeah!

    men take great care of themselves, they go away when they don’t like something

    i would feel icky if i a man was talking to me like, ohhh if you liked me blah blah, this one guy i know talked to me like that, i felt turned off, i got masculine and blamed him, instead i feel drained and icky and turned offf yeah, the more i get into my feelings, and less thinking, the more power i have to SHIFT into feminine, yeah then the situation can feel better yum


    i got my period so unexpected yum thank you body for blessing me,

    youre welcome for the workout i did

    and the EFT yeah i love you body

    thank you thank you

    i feel so glad we’re gonna be happy n ow yeah

    oh we ARE happy now yes we are awesome stuff body great great and lovely

  131.  #131Sweetpea on June 21, 2010 at 2:19 pm

    Daria – yay! I’m so happy you don’t have to deal with that! The attitude in my hometown was that if a guy bought you drinks, you were required to go home with him or something. For a long time. I just wouldn’t let a guy buy me a drink. But then I decided that a drink was a cheap price for a conversation with me and if he wanted to take me home it was going to cost him a lot more than a drink & made my opinion known. That was a big step for me – & one I made long before I found Rori! The rest of it’s still coming to me.
    Baby steps.

  132.  #132Sweetpea on June 21, 2010 at 2:27 pm

    Awww Daria! You crack me up!! Only 16 brownies?! What a buncha hoo hah! (What if you cut your brownies into thirds? That would be 48…)

  133.  #133Wonder Woman on June 21, 2010 at 2:36 pm

    Thank you Sweetpea. Yes, many of the things here resonate with me and my OCD therapy.

    I think finding this site and the encouragement from the sirens here as helped me so much with my OCD/depression as well as my relationships for the very reason that I can use many of these methods to assist with those conditions as well. What I love the most here is the enforcement of babysteps. I am trying to apply this to every area of my life so that each day I feel a little better about everything without feeling too overwhelmed.

    Yes I too feel very sad for the ones that resist the treatment altogether. The motivation really does have to come from the person. Something else I am finding positively reinforced on this site. 🙂

  134.  #134Sweetpea on June 21, 2010 at 2:51 pm

    Wonder Woman – I have always found Rori’s tools easy to embrace because I believe they can help me in ALL areas of my life. If it was just to find a man – I’m afraid I would feel resistant – that would have felt too selfish & like it’s not a good use of my time! I’m happy to say now, that I’m more comfortable with ALL of my feelings & the personal growth I’ve experienced justifies every second I’ve spent doing this work! Personal growth has always been very important to me anyway & now I feel so much more open, less skeptical, no how to enforce my boundaries in a gentle, non-confrontational manner, etc. These tools have been invaluable to me. And although I have to acknowledge that I, too, feel resistant to some of the tools – it’s more a matter of not being quite to that point yet, not that I don’t see the value in them. Baby steps. I like that too.

    I feel happy to know this helps with your OCD & depression.

  135.  #135Sweetpea on June 21, 2010 at 2:59 pm

    Dorothea & Starlight – something odd happened a couple of days ago… I got emails of a bunch of older comments on one of the threads (I think the Toxic Men one). So I just deleted the emails & went into the thread to see what was up, but I couldn’t find the ones you two had directed to me. 🙁

    Dorothea – yours was asking me to tel you all about it. I’m not sure what it was in reference to – but if you have any idea, I would be happy to share.

    Starlight – I don’t remember exactly what yours was and I feel disappointed because it was interesting. If you can think of any comment you made to me that I didn’t respond to, I would appreciate a reminder, or if you can remember where it was, I’d love to read it again…

    I want my computer back!!!

  136.  #136Siena on June 21, 2010 at 3:29 pm

    “This is where Feeling Messages are so amazingly helpful – you can SHARE with a man what you’re FEELING – without making him wrong, or responsible for your feelings or for making you feel better.”

    okay, wow! This just happened to me, and I still feel shaky.

    He asked me out for Thurs or Fri, and not Saturday. To me, it’s a big deal to see someone on Saturday. I started feeling all tense and “off”, and my mind started going into all the reasons he didn’t want to see me Sat. The reaction I had was much more intense than what had actually happened, so it’s obviously old stuff.

    But rather than stuff it down and just accept a Thurs or Fri date – and build a little distrust or resentment toward him, I told him, “I’m available Thursday, but I feel ‘off’, I don’t want to wonder why we’re not seeing each other on Sat.”

    I told him it was an old sore spot, without blaming him. He finally called (we had been texting) to tell me to stop worrying, and that he wanted to take me up the coast on Sat. (And he said that he suggested Thurs or Fri because he couldn’t wait for the weekend.)

    I still feel weird. I was a little high maintenance there. I feel I forced the situation. What do you ladies think? How could I have handled this better?

    I feel worried that this is not going to bring us closer, but is going to drive him away instead… I mean, a cool, collected woman doesn’t care what day she sees a guy… right?

  137.  #137tinque on June 21, 2010 at 3:37 pm

    Siena – this seems to me like part of the process of learning to trust that all is well. most of have learned to expect the worst or at least a negative, just like here, but lo and behold, it wasn’t like that at all.
    cool and collected? bah. you’re a woman with feelings and fears just like everyone else. If he can’t handle it, well you know the answer to this.
    He’s a CD, maybe a messenger, maybe your happily ever after. It doesn’t matter right now. Go have a good time.

  138.  #138Sweetpea on June 21, 2010 at 3:42 pm

    Some of you may know that I’m having HUGE issues with my living arrangement right now. My Steppin’ Up CD guy has been really sweet & doing everything he can to help alleviate the problem. I have had, in the past, a huge problem with accepting help from anyone. I’ve also been really working on NOT over-analyzing, but he doesn’t know that.
    So I told him earlier that I feel like a damsel in distress & that I appreciate his help – except I don’t feel helpless, I feel thankful to be able to accept help for once – except it doesn’t feel like help. And then I was like – STOP! So I just stopped.
    I can’t believe I just reverted back to that old habit with him! Aaarrrggghhh!!!!
    His response? — “Stop over analyzing it. Just accept it.”
    I feel amused! This is exactly what I’m getting from this guy on all counts. The message I need to hear when I need to her it!

  139.  #139Siena on June 21, 2010 at 3:46 pm

    Thanks Tinque! I guess you’re right… this is the learning to trust part. Okay, I’m gonna forget about this and move on… focus on myself and keeping myself happy. You’re right, if he can’t handle it then, oh well! And this is such a minor emotion that if he can’t handle it, then that it’s good if he leaves now, because this is just the tip of the iceberg. 🙂

  140.  #140cookie on June 21, 2010 at 3:46 pm

    I haven’t been here in a long while but I need to revisit this space to clear my head. I went to bed last night overwhelmed with sadness and thoughts. Several weeks ago I reconnected with an old male friend (for lack of a better word), we known each other for like 12 years, maybe more. We exchanged numbers, well he took mine. He called a few times but we text more regularly, its easier for me plus he’s broke and has no minutes. But anyway, I digress. When he first started engaging with me, his tone was I think you would good for me, I miss you, you are this and that. Then he asked if we could reconnect on a sexual level and I told him no because I was already involved with my man of 8 plus yrs. His tone began to shift to more of a friendly vibe. Then he started not responding or just leaving the dead space in the text conversations without announcing it or rejecting my attempts to make time for him to see me. It was making me feel pushy and like I was putting forth too much effort. It felt horrible and I told him that I didn’t want to be that way so I didn’t want to initiate anything else with him. He said I was making too much of it and that we were just cool and texting. I said nothing and let a few days go between us. I was like ok here he goes gone again with the coming in and out of my life and I was fine with it because that is our pattern. But then he called yesterday asking to see me. I said ok. He came by and I started feeling all this stuff inside me, things I always feel when a man is in my personal space. Like I wanted to grab him and capture him. Like I wanted him to fall in love with me and be mine forever and nothing else would matter. Like I wanted him to want to take me to ecstasy. Etc. But it was none of that because we were just talking and watching tv and reminiscing somewhat but mostly about how bad I used to make him feel. He told me I’m verbally aggressive and harsh and more concerned with being honest than considering another’s feelings, that I pressure people. I was like Whoa, Not me, I’m this and that but then I took it in and it started to hurt me. I don’t want to be that. I wanted to fix that, to be different. He said it didn’t matter with him because we are just cool but he was just telling me about me. I was like damn, double blow. Then I started to feel like f this, I’m me and although what he is describing is also true of me, that is not the total sum of my character. Either way, I felt all of my love and sexual energy rushing towards him. I felt him rejecting me and I wanted to change his mind. Physically I was still but inside I was the definition of leaning forward. This pulling inside me to make something happen continued way after he left and I was with my man up until he was texted me. I told him it was nice seeing him that I had missed his face, that I felt attraction towards him, and that it felt wrong to feel anything for him. I wanted to him say something but he wouldn’t other than to say I don’t want you to get hurt, we should just be friends.
    Now logically and logistically I’m thinking what are you doing, you don’t really want him, not only are you with someone else, but you already know what that is and yet. But that was like a mirror for me. I saw for the 2nd time in my life when I CD my patterns with men and I know that in that way he was a messenger for me. I don’t know what kind of friends we will be and I’m sure that he will fade to black like he always has. But the bigger issue is what do I do about my leaning forward. Because honestly I feel like that is my personality especially with men. I feel inclined to seduce them but mostly capture them and I think that has something to do with me being a Sagitarius but of course that may just be nonsense. I don’t know I felt really awful about myself when it was all said and done, really disappointed that I wasn’t able to stop myself from sliding back into self defeating habits, angry that even with all this information I know and have that just like that I can slip right into being insecure, needy, and desparate even when I am none of those things. But then again, I can see it. I mean I could literally see the whole thing transpire and where I fell short. It was kind of amazing. Because in a way, I can self reflect like never before. So I’m thankful to Rori and I intend to be more forgiving of myself through this process. Thanks for listening.

  141.  #141Daria on June 21, 2010 at 3:48 pm

    Siena – I FEEL INSPIRED!!! Awesome way to take care of yourself omg!

    i feel awkward feeling like “im forcing an issue” but THAt’s NOT! it’s not like he can’t say NO haha


    A Goddess Does Care about when she sees a man, she cares about how she feels

    i feel so INSPIRED that you stepped up for yourself in a possibly awkward feeling situation and you shared

    this is awesome tossam job!!

  142.  #142Sweetpea on June 21, 2010 at 3:49 pm

    Siena – I think you did exactly what you’re supposed to do. Guys don’t care if your feelings are logical. They only care that you feel them & can express them without blaming.

    I don’t think you forced the situation at all! You told him how you felt & what you didn’t want – without blaming & without using “you”! This, to me, is exactly what feeling messages are all about! If you tell your husband you don’t want to take out the trash & he does it, are you going to feel guilty that you made him take out the trash?

  143.  #143Daria on June 21, 2010 at 3:52 pm

    Cookie — ohhh great job Circular Dating! yes! you see your triggers now, ohh it can feel awful, remember not to beat yourself up, and yes go with the thought of … i can see this, i can tweak, I WILL HAVE WHAT I WANT, like at the end of the post!

    I feel excited about your babystep!

    PS – what he said wasn’t necessarily TRUE, check your feelings, how did you FEEL, whats the MESSAGE not necessarily what did he Say at face value…

  144.  #144Daria on June 21, 2010 at 3:53 pm

    Sweetpea – from what you’ve said of this guy’s responses, he sounds like an awesome supporter, YaY!

  145.  #145Daria on June 21, 2010 at 3:56 pm

    I am a fern, I am a fern! yes

  146.  #146Siena on June 21, 2010 at 4:02 pm

    wow, thank you Daria and Sweetpea, now I REALLY feel better!

    Yay Daria, it feels great to hear that a Goddess cares when she sees a guy because I DO care! It really matters to me!

    And Sweetpea, thanks for telling me that guys don’t care if our feelings are logical. That’s really good to hear! Phew! I guess I confirmed in his head that I am indeed a woman (I doubt he had any doubts, but this is super confirmation to him, haha)

    …and um… yes – I would feel guilty that I made my husband take out the trash in that scenario. But I’m working through it 😉

    Thanks ladies! I feel so supported and, yet again, totally grateful for Siren Island!

  147.  #147Daria on June 21, 2010 at 4:03 pm

    I texted getright man that a lil piece of pot for my achy tummy woudl feel good

    he texted back where is it

    then his cousin’s been calling me all day – i am just friends with him, but he knows how to make me happy, invites me places cuz he wants to see me and has something, beer pot a fun place to go, i dont get the feeling he just wants a ride, lol

    getright man has complained that i hang out with his couisn, his cousin is nice and treats me well even being friends

    so i told his cousin, he said ok yes he has it for me in an hour i said yay

    then it turns out getright man is going to his cousin’s

    i said ill probably see them in an hour hehe

    now he’s texting me wehere am i, still at home till your cousin calls me lol

    get right man told me last time i saw him that he
    s just not a “symp” to him that means romantic stuff i guess

    he said a lot of his past girlfriends complained that they dont feel paid attention to,
    i said yeah i felt that way also sometimes, i dont want to feel that way with a man

    we talked about sex, i said i dont want to have sex with a man who doesnt go down on me, he says he has to be with someone as girlfriend bf to do it, so he’s sure shes not with anyone else, i said i dont do that anymore – we were and he didnt do it anyway years ago,

    i said ok, i didnt feel needy or pushy about it, its whatever, i dont need sex from him, i was feeling turned on lol, now he wants me, he texts me everyday damn near

    what can i do, dont want a man who thinks romantic stuff is symping or who doesnt go down on me before sex

    still texts me everyday tho feels kinda drainy frustrating sometimes like now

    i feel better spending time with his cousin, i feel good and feminine, even tho we’re just friends… my choice of course

  148.  #148Sweetpea on June 21, 2010 at 4:08 pm

    Daria – he is awesome! He makes it so easy to just kick back on my chaise longue – lean back – & feel adored. I still have to remind myself to lean back sometimes. But he is sooo responsive! As soon as I lean back, he steps up. Pretty awesome little dance we have going!
    I’m still not attached to the outcome. Anytime my brain starts jumping ahead, I whoa it back. I feel some hesitancy, but I think it’s the normal fear Rori talks about when you have a man who’s steppin’ up. I know my reaction to this one is a lot different than the last “in my space” guy. Steppin’ Up actually listens when I tell him how I’m feeling. He doesn’t try to talk me out of it.
    What is fern? You feel like a fern?! … Beautiful plant. Requires indirect bright sunlight & humidity…

  149.  #149Daria on June 21, 2010 at 4:24 pm

    Sweetpea –

    Fern (feminine, receiving, water, ohhh thank you for the water) vs. Cactus (masculine stance, I don’t need anything thank you, i got this, etc)

    a Rori tool that has been poppin up to help me

  150.  #150Sweetpea on June 21, 2010 at 4:26 pm

    Siena – I feel pleased that my words helped. Like a two-year-old being praised for helping to set the table. Lol! Thank you.

    I really am impressed. I’m taking notes. I would feel guilty if my hubby took the trash out too, but in my mind, that kind of thing is what this is all about! I can yell, whine, cry & complain to a man and he won’t take out the trash, or will feel resentful about it & I’ll have to exhibit the same behavior to get him to do it again. Or… I can bring out my siren & say, eyelashes fluttering.. “Taking out the trash feels yucky. I don’t want to feel yucky,” and he will gladly come to my rescue & continue to take out the trash. Because he feels manly & strong & like he’s giving me something I appreciate – not just “doing his job.”

    Or I can tell him, “I’m available Thursday but I feel off. I don’t want to wonder why we’re not seeing each other on Sat.” Brava! I love it!!! I don’t know a man on the planet who would not rather be told that than to have a woman just agree & then wonder what her problem is on Thurs (“hmmm… Her vibe feels a little off. Wonder what I did?”) That is why these tools are such a miracle! And my guess, if you had just not said anything & settled for Thurs, you would have felt like a heel on Sat.


  151.  #151Sweetpea on June 21, 2010 at 4:29 pm

    Daria – awwww! Fern! Awesome! I feel like a fern too. Not accepting help would be cactus, yes? Yay! More progress for me!!! Lol!!!

  152.  #152Daria on June 21, 2010 at 4:57 pm

    Yes I love the FEELING of Fern, when I think of it.

    And also soemthing that finally clicked for me –
    when a man talks about his feelings, like calls me and then says, yawwn i feel bored, im hungry

    the thing to do is get even MORE into my feelings… talk about MY FEELINGS even more!! OUTGIRLING!!

    it was in an eletter

    i finally get this!

    ohhh… i feel kinda bored and hot. im feeling excited thinking about getting that call from gtr’s cousin,

    right now it feels fun and relaxing to watch past episodes of top chef! yum

  153.  #153cookie on June 21, 2010 at 5:06 pm

    Thanks daria for replying so fast and for letting me know I’m doing ok.

  154.  #154Siena on June 21, 2010 at 5:16 pm

    “And my guess, if you had just not said anything & settled for Thurs, you would have felt like a heel on Sat. ”

    yes, I would have been bitter all day long, and probably angry at him poor guy 😉

  155.  #155Simply Shannon on June 21, 2010 at 6:03 pm

    Siena: Gosh, just writing this post, I can feel myself sinking into a small space/voice like a kid afraid to ask a question. Weird.

    It’s none of my business but I feel curious since things seem to be going so well. Sex. Are you or aren’t you? How are you handling it? I feel embarrassed but what the heck. I’m asking.

  156.  #156Siena on June 21, 2010 at 6:22 pm

    Shannon, haha you’re cute, I feel happy to answer you! This past weekend was our first time together – it’s been about 7 weeks that we’ve been dating.

    We talked about it a lot before (not just that night), and both agreed that it has to mean something for it to happen, and we’ve stopped it from happening earlier on purpose in order to try to move things as slowly as possible.

    I told him that my body and my heart go hand-in-hand, and that he can’t expect to have one without taking care of the other. He seemed to really understand that, and he’s been working hard to prove to me that he’s not planning on going anywhere.

    I feel so strengthened by Rori’s teachings, that I can feel free with him sexually without making it about trying to get something from him, while at the same time not dishonoring my feelings of not wanting it to mean nothing.

    And – uh – it was incredible 🙂 And he feels (and everything feels) totally right.

    And I still (amazingly) feel somewhat detached from the outcome. I mean, at this point, things HAVE been going incredibly well, and I would be lying if I said that I didn’t want him to be my Happily Ever After, but if it doesn’t happen, I know I will be able to find it, because now I know the tools!

  157.  #157Simply Shannon on June 21, 2010 at 6:39 pm

    Siena: Forgot to say brava for the feeling message! I just did the same thing with my SIL and it turned out great. She apologized (which was unnecessary). It felt good to clear the air regardless of the outcome or response. But I do feel grateful she responded well and not with ‘tude. I feel a little distrustful of her reply (wondering if she’s stuffing just to placate me) but I don’t want to keep kicking the dog on this one.

    Dan: Thank you for the comments. What do you think about dating someone even if you know that person is not “the one”? I hear you saying you have the same fears. I wonder how you handle those fears.

  158.  #158Simply Shannon on June 21, 2010 at 6:42 pm

    And you’re still circular dating? I feel amazed.

    Gosh, my distrust radar just want off again. And my jealousy. Blech. No!!

    There are enough men out there for us all to have our perfect one. No more scarcity mentally Shannon!!!

    I feel happy for you Siena. A little sad for me but I feel excited to see good things happening. Just have to believe it really will happen for me sometimes.

  159.  #159Siena on June 21, 2010 at 6:47 pm

    Yes, I’m still CDing, although I do feel bad about it. He told me he wasn’t dating anyone else (and I didn’t say anything). But I know it’s good for me and us, so I will continue until he puts marriage on the table.

    I know how it feels to feel happy and sad about this stuff – hugs and love to you!

  160.  #160Lucy on June 21, 2010 at 6:50 pm

    Siena, does he know you are dating others or is he assuming you are not?

  161.  #161Simply Shannon on June 21, 2010 at 7:01 pm

    I’ve been circular dating a good bit on this Man Fast. Gotta have my man fix somehow. LOL!

    The lifeguard at the pool. Flirting with me yesterday and watching me again today. He’s probably in his 20s and supa cute. (Lucy, I’m a 20 magnet now too. Hehe!)

    Another guy at the pool. A father and married. We chatted for a bit, and I could feel him leaning forward. It felt good in a safe way.

    I practiced the magnet tool at the pool today too. Which for me was super hard because I’m in my bathing suit and constantly catching myself worrying about my body. But I felt good pretending. I definitely caught several men looking my way (which felt great considering there were plenty of 20s and under bikini clad chicks wandering around). I even caught myself thinking how much more sexually experienced I am (aka better at it), which is an old defense. I had to stop and remind myself that I’m AWESOME with or without sex.

    It felt good to catch myself in these old triggers today.

    I feel surprisingly relaxed on day 21 of the Man Fast. I haven’t been too terribly bored like I thought I would be. I’ve got things lined up that feel good for me… which is a nice change from constantly thinking about the men I’m seeing and who is my next date.

    I feel a little nervous that in nine days I’ll be “back in the saddle”. I’ll have a date with Mr. Fab Kisser the very next day. And I’ll have to tell him that I’m going back on

    I’ll stop that thought before it becomes true fear.

    I think I’d like some new pictures to put up on my profile. I might even have some done. Hmmm…

  162.  #162Siena on June 21, 2010 at 7:05 pm

    Lucy, he hasn’t asked, and I haven’t told. He and I had a convo about the difference between dating and relationship, so I feel good assuming we are still just dating.

  163.  #163Simply Shannon on June 21, 2010 at 7:09 pm

    Lucy, Totally off topic but how is your daughter? You crossed my mind the other day, and then I remembered she just got out of the hospital. I wondered how she was doing.

  164.  #164Simply Shannon on June 21, 2010 at 7:11 pm

    Ha! Lucy, I almost forgot. (Just remembered why you were on my mind originally.) My cousin is 41 and possibly entering menopause (peri?). She got really hot on Sunday and could not get cooled off. I told her what you said about eating some hummus. I thought that’s what you said for menopause. Was that right? Anything else she could try? Thanks!

    I feel amused that Siren Island is blending into my day to day life. I talk about ya’ll even when it’s not boy related. 🙂

  165.  #165Sweetpea on June 21, 2010 at 7:17 pm

    I’m feeling quite sireny! Check out this email I just got on POF – from a 25 y.o. (Lucy, lol) who I’ve not met & haven’t heard from in awhile, but have been practicing feeling messages on (in the last one I told him how much I like the rain):

    In my mind is a piece of forever. A bird eyes memory of you laying down, listening to
    the rain. Dew drops hit the sweet spot of the ever-clear glass. Gasping in awe with
    each thundering sound. The lightning strikes, yet you pose so beautifully. Holding your
    breath with each noise, and offering your hope between your pillow and your heart.
    Drifting into silence, peace, and serenity.

    The galloping rain is like your heartbeat. Its constant and lovely, and it races within. I
    yearn to feel it beat as if it were my own, instead I can only trace mine and hope that
    we can meet yet again, in sweet dreamland.

  166.  #166Sweetpea on June 21, 2010 at 7:20 pm

    And a 48 y.o. Just sent me an email that said something like, “check out that smile – on my face. You won’t be on here long.” Lol! I thought it was sweet! Lucy – he’s not bald. Do you want his user name? Hahaha

  167.  #167Lucy on June 21, 2010 at 7:23 pm

    Shannon, she is doing pretty well — thanks for asking. (She’d like a man in her life though! 🙂 )

    Yes, hummus is a plant estrogen. Also, chick peas, soy milk, and flaxseed. Those are the ones that I have found to be most helpful. There are others — she can google phytoestrogens — and different women respond differently to each one.

  168.  #168Lucy on June 21, 2010 at 7:25 pm

    Sweetpea, is he on pof? I’ll check him out just for curiosity’s sake! Lol!

  169.  #169Sweetpea on June 21, 2010 at 7:29 pm

    Lucy, yes he is -he’s spindrift61.

    Oh- and that reminds me, koolv messaged me that he hopes I’m having a good weekend. I don’t want to encourage him, so I just deleted it.

  170.  #170Sweetpea on June 21, 2010 at 7:33 pm

    Woohoo Siena! I suspected there might be a reason the non-Saturday date was triggering you. I don’t blame you – it woulda’ tripped my trigger too under those circumstances.

  171.  #171Jilly on June 21, 2010 at 7:52 pm

    wow Siena…I feel that’s amazing that you can keep detached from the outcome.

    Tinque…I liked what you said in #137 “…learning to trust that all is well.”

    I was emailing with TK man and on saturday he said I could text or call him if I wanted to visit and gave me his number…and then on Saturday I responded that I feel better when the man calls or texts me first and that I feel funny sharing that since we already know each other…what do you think and then left my number.

    What do you guys think? I feel like I’m really leaning back…he hasn’t contacted me and I know it’s only monday…I feel better just talking it out with you all. It’s really hard for me to think of him like the other cd guys. but I will not contact him!

  172.  #172Lucy on June 21, 2010 at 7:56 pm

    I give up.

  173.  #173Jilly on June 21, 2010 at 7:58 pm

    why lucy?

  174.  #174Sweetpea on June 21, 2010 at 7:59 pm

    You give up on what, Lucy?

  175.  #175Sweetpea on June 21, 2010 at 8:03 pm

    Jilly – I don’t know your history w/ TK man, but I think what you said is fine no matter how well you know him…

  176.  #176Jilly on June 21, 2010 at 8:21 pm

    Thanks Sweetpea …i feel that if I talk it out on here then I am letting go of some of the anxiety that I feel…so the history is…he actually hired me about 6 yrs ago to be on his firecrew (we are both firefighters) then before I started work he took another job higher up and in the last 6 yrs he’s moved up and gotten divorced…we see each other every now and then but there’s always been some chemistry. Then I just decided nothing is ever going to happen and started kind of ignoring him lol then last week on pof he messaged me that seeing me on there got him to thinking we should date..and we just started messaging but I feel like I may have leaned too far back…is that possible??? I’ve been cding and I made sure I didn’t do anything different with him even though i am super attracted to him.

  177.  #177Simply Shannon on June 21, 2010 at 8:22 pm

    Lucy, Sometimes giving up feels freeing because I no longer have any expectations. That’s usually when the magic happens.

    I just posted this on my Facebook status…

    God doesn’t want my plans. He wants my hands. I got the memo God. Thanks! 😉

    The first response from one of my best guy friends…

    Shannon, you are the epitome of what it means to be “born again”. The old you had everything planned out to the T. The new you is content to walk the path that the God sets out before you. It goes without saying how proud I am of you, but you might not realize what an inspiration you have become to me. I’m 21 days addiction free.

    I feel astonished and so flattered!

    I’m healing, I’m healing. And other people can see it. It’s not just in my head. Okay, I love affirmations. Woohoo! I feel happy.

  178.  #178Jilly on June 21, 2010 at 8:23 pm

    ugggh!! I hate feeling this way! I love my feelings of ugggh…I haven’t felt this way in a long time…I’m definitely being triggered and I don’t know why…maybe it’s the waiting game…

  179.  #179Simply Shannon on June 21, 2010 at 8:32 pm

    Jilly, I love what you said to TK Man. You’re feeling uncomfortable. For me, this is usually a sign that I’m done something right. It feels uncomfortable to wait around and let a man do things, especially when I’m so used to jumping in and putting the carrot right under his nose. We’re retraining our brains here. This is HUGE stuff we’re doing. You’re doing great!

  180.  #180Simply Shannon on June 21, 2010 at 8:44 pm

    Lucy, I feel bad for what I just wrote. I read it again and thought “I just disqualified Lucy’s statement”.

    That would be called my “ray of sunshine” technique. It’s practice can be lethal… effectively killing all attempts at going deeper.

    Wanna talk about what’s going on?

  181.  #181Sweetpea on June 21, 2010 at 8:45 pm

    Shannon – retrain the brain – I love it! And that feels amazing that your friend is 21 days clean because of your influence. Wow!

    Jilly – I agree with Shannon that you did fine. I suppose one can lean too far back, but I would think it would take more than what you did. I just started CDing a guy I’m attracted to as well. It raises the stakes & I was feeling scared that I wasn’t ready for it. My experience with him is that since I’m attracted I’ve been leaning back even further & it seems to be working out great. The further back I lean, the more he steps up. The waiting IS brutal. Is there something you can do to distract yourself so you’re not sending out that anxious vibe?

  182.  #182Jilly on June 21, 2010 at 9:05 pm

    Thanks Simply Shannon and Sweetpea 😉 I am already feeling better…I did the shoulder drop thing and really tried to feel my feelings and I’ve been reading through old posts and talking it out here. That anxious feeling is gone for the moment..I’m sure it will come back.
    Yes I do feel like I did the best thing for me…and then the NV comes around and I start second guessing lol
    Thanks for the feedback, it resonates with me…I know if I had called or texted him at any point I would be feeling worse…Like “why!!!!” did I do that…I know better! Yes I definitely feel that the stakes are higher….and I feel better with feeling that I did not lean too far back…I feel peace right now…

    Sweetpea…keep us posted with this guy…I feel interested in the process!

  183.  #183Sweetpea on June 21, 2010 at 9:17 pm

    Thanks Jilly, I will. You keep us updated too, please.

  184.  #184Daria on June 21, 2010 at 9:55 pm

    okay… so now that I have no income and i dont have anything ready to pay my cc bill … and ive confessed this…

    i feel …


    yes. Im preparing to do an income EFT session online from youtube, and shes says to write down your income and usually the feeling is, its just not enough

    and i wrote down. 0

    and i felt happy. like laughing, amused, free, carefree acuna matata

    like its ridiculous that i make 0 dollars

    in your face society


    acuna matata

    i make Zero. zero. yes. you will not enslave me, i am free from societal pressure , i make zero dollars

    this feels (within the happiness)

    a lil concerning because, if i feel happy making zero dollars, that means i will keep on dong so right? maybe maybe not

    i know that if i thnk of a bigger number, like even 200, or say something that i could use to pay my bills, like 1000, i feel ick and burdened and gross

    i feel happy with my zero

    i know i make zero


    i used to flat out declare i hated money. now i’ve stopped saying that, but

    the truth is i do feel very happy and joyful and free and comfortable and like im natural and living life the way its meant to be when i say i make zero dollars


    this feels concerning

    i do NOT Want to make money

    i want to be broke and make zero dollars.


    that feels simple, natural, real, real real jungle life force sun shine and smiles good

    like a child?

    i made zero dollar

    i feel free

    i would like help with this

    because i know a part of me would like money to … not be in debt, or worry about money etc

    i guess by having 0 dollars i am not worrying about money

    this feels odd


    well i will enjoy the good feeling for now

    i make zero dollars!!!! yahooooo goal accomplished

    i am unburdened, i am free, off the hamster wheel, just me and naturaaal baby.

  185.  #185Daria on June 21, 2010 at 10:04 pm

    I feel cool to like “get” 50,000 dollars, but not to “make” 50,000 dollars – blah ick, no gross! i dont’ want to contribute to this pattern of torture and enslavement or put myself thru that!

  186.  #186Daria on June 21, 2010 at 10:15 pm

    I have a belief that ‘making’ money is a detriment to human health and happiness

    I don’t want to condone or contribute to that, and I don’t want to be affected by it myself.

    Feels so good to know that I am not. I opt out.

    (I think this is the mind trap that I’m sticking my hand in, holding on to the nut)

    chaaaa I intend to see through this and dissolve the metal bars of the mind trap like rainwater

    another metaphor that i feel triggered by

    metals bars – they’ll never dissolve like rainwater… neverrrrrr

    i intend to see thru this anyway, because i haven’t felt pleased with the results i’ve had so far, and so i choose to step into the unknown now, thank you.

  187.  #187Daria on June 21, 2010 at 10:24 pm

    what if bankruptcy is easy and good?

    i originally planned to spend it up and file for bankruptcy… hehehehe… and i seem to not be able to get away from it

    even tho i tried to change my plans

    i still feel curious what bankruptcy would feel like

    a part of me feels afraid and doesnt really want to do that

    and a part of me does


    bankruptcy sounds like FUN

    but it also sounds like drag… liek that lawsuit i filed

    it felt not good


    Dear God please send Angels to help and clear this up for me. Thank you!

    i like this free! feeling!

  188.  #188Daria on June 21, 2010 at 10:27 pm

    will i always feel “i missed out” if i dont get to file for bankruptcy?

    i feel strangely exhilarated thinking that i am attracted to filing for bankruptcy


    i feel concern for me and my financial sanity


  189.  #189Daria on June 21, 2010 at 10:36 pm

    I’m totally open to receiving more money

  190.  #190Daria on June 21, 2010 at 10:42 pm

    certain phrases and words around money trigger me and turn me off and others dont

  191.  #191mary on June 22, 2010 at 2:01 am

    wouldn’t it be cool if this was a database and you could hit on the person’s name and all their entries would come up?

    i’d really like that.

  192.  #192Daria on June 22, 2010 at 2:40 am

    Mary! yes!!
    it woudl be

    i feel happy

    i just had some great practice right now…

    this guy imed me talking about trading pics on our phone…

    and i wrote back… ohh… i dont like to trade pics that feels boring to me

    this is the first time i said That feels BORING which is the truth

    he kept insisting and saying that hed send me pics

    im like yeah it doesnt turn me on

    then hes like you seem like a sexual girl i just thought wed have fun

    im like
    yeah i dont want to do thata and

    im not feeling particualrly great about being thought of as sexual right off the bat

    My compulsion was to say something witty or defend myself – like “im not That sexual”

    or, yeah sometimes but blah blah

    when the truth was it didnt FEEL good to read that

    and then he said soemthing similiar to the pic thing and i siad

    yeah i dont feel turned on by getting pictures

    and hes like
    whta are you turned on by?

    and then i just wrot

    actually im feeling kinda weird so im gonna go now


    WOW That was fast and I feel really happy with how clear I was about my feelings and the weirdness and how quickly i moved away from what didnt feel good!


    ususally i would either ignore the first msesage (which is cool and feel all annoyed taht i got that message)

    or else i might try to idly chat while feeling a slight squeeze of uncomfortableness

    and this time i feel very happy with how i paid attention with how i was feeling and spoke from that!

    yeah!! woo hoo

  193.  #193Jennifer on June 22, 2010 at 3:47 am

    Yeah for Daria saying you felt wierd and moving on. Cool Beans.
    Have you listened to any of the Abraham – Hicks recordings? They might be valuable to give you the money vibe you want.
    Maybe making money doesn’t have to be yukky?
    I like my money making activities. I have some stress around not having a contract yet but on the whole it feels good to me to make money.
    For example…this weekend my company is sending me two hours away to a town in the north of here to work, we’re short staffed there.
    They are putting me up in a fantastic bed and breakfast in an old house full of antiques run by an old hippie couple (she’s a rieke master and he used to be a roadie…hehehehe). They have an old golden retriever.
    I get to toot around all day seeing the country side, visiting with nice people…helping heal thier sores and sort out thier health. The town is kinda touristy so this time of the year it’s full to the max with really interesting people and all the fun shops are open.
    And I’m prolly gonna make like $1000 for three days.
    So…making money COULD be kinda like a mini vacation? I’ve been lots of places in Canada making money and helping people so it feels good two ways.
    I dunno.
    What do you think?

  194.  #194Jennifer on June 22, 2010 at 4:14 am

    I had a “moment” on sunday. With a man. I dunno. Maybe it wasn’t.
    I was at my brother’s house. I was leaving to go home. I was pulling out of the driveway and I heard one of those high powered sport bikes.
    I saw him coming down the road on a yellow sport bike -motorcycle thingy.
    He pulled into a cross road and turned to go back the way he had come, saw me coming in the car and stopped.
    I cruised by him fairly slowly…and HELLO!
    Who’s a hot man on a bike????
    Suddenly he smiled and WAVED!
    For a split second I thougth about stopping to ask about the bike or some such thing….but almost instantly got SUPER SHY and drove on.
    Now i’m feeling kinda pissed at me.
    I was looking ok…tank top and tight jeans…but suddenly felt like if I tried to talk to him I was gonna be a tounge tied EEEEDIOT!!!
    Now it’s bugging me. I shoulda sucked it up and talked to this guy. TRIGGERED!!!!!!
    Maybe next week I should book an EFT Session and work on feeling like and idiot talking to hot men.
    This happened to me once in college with a guy I was totally attracted to. It was kinda traumatic. I was totally frozen everytime I tried to talk to him …even when he initiated conversations. I couldn’t speak.

  195.  #195tallgirl10 on June 22, 2010 at 4:41 am

    I feel so sad. I feel so lonely. I feel so alone. But I also feel relieved.

    I had boundaries, and i suppose that needs to be enough.

    I feel sick. I feel like I want to contact him and make sure everything is ok.

  196.  #196Brenda on June 22, 2010 at 6:54 am

    Sweetpea, RE: #131 – Buying Drinks

    About 10 years ago, a coworker from another country asked me out for drinks. He asked me my favorite, and I said pina colada. He bought me one, then two, and I said that’s enough. He said, “No, really, I don’t mind! Let me get you another one!” So I let him.

    It was like it was a foregone conclusion that he thought I was coming home with him. And that he thought being a little tipsy would make me drop all boundaries. He went to hug me and tried to feel me, and I pushed him away and yelled at him. He had the nerve to get angry at me, as if I OWED him some sexual favor because HE TREATED me to 3 drinks.

    To be candid, I did it out of naivete (yes, I was that naive in the past). But ever since then I have felt indignant. Even if I wasn’t naive, he had no right to assume I would let him feel me and no right to touch me.

  197.  #197Brenda on June 22, 2010 at 8:46 am

    I talked on the phone with the first man I met off Match last night. He’s a nerd who is living at a shelter, no car, no job, and being treated for depression. I decided to practice feeling messages with him while helping him get a clue how to treat a woman.

    He asked me if I wanted him to send me his picture by text and I said no thanks. The moment we got off the phone, he texted it to my anyway and then bombarded me with texts. I thought, “Poor guy, he really needs a relationship coach 100X more than we do!”

    So I played coach for the evening.

    Nerd: BTW I like to kiss a lot
    Nerd: U want to text

    Brenda: I feel myself shutting down. I feel a need to put up thick boundaries

    Nerd: What do you mean

    Brenda: I feel uncomfortable with talk of kissing, staying overnight, coarse joking, when I haven’t even met you yet.

    Nerd: Ok I’ll cool it you’re right

    Brenda: Ty. It feels good to be with a man when I feel protected and safe with boundaries.

    Nerd: So true and don’t be afraid to speak your mind to me ever

    Brenda: Ty

    Nerd: I’m sorry but I’m very talkative and romantic! Hate being quiet in both ways!
    Nerd: And yw

    Brenda: I feel more at ease when a relationship starts as a friendship and builds organically.

    Nerd: Ok my 1 weakness and yours is

    Brenda: ??

    Nerd: Ok my 1 weakness and yours is patience

    Brenda: You’ll just have to control yourself! It’s like serving someone a big, frozen roast beef or baking it and slicing it thin with gravy. 🙂

    Nerd: Lol are you shy

    Brenda: No, I’m not. I’ve just learned the hard way to protect my heart. I feel like a puppy has leaped on my lap and is licking my whole face. 🙂

    Nerd: So I am the puppy and if you wanted to date me or hold my hand would make the first move

    Brenda: Puppy, sit! Shake! I don’t mean to put you down. Every analogy breaks down somewhere!

    Nerd: And part 2

    Brenda: Your life’s a play you can’t rehearse. Let the pain unwind behind you on silent streams.

    Nerd: Well going to bed good night and bless

    Brenda: Good night! 🙂

  198.  #198Brenda on June 22, 2010 at 8:51 am

    I haven’t heard from him today, at least so far. I felt good about sending him away with something to think about, rather than the flat rejection he’s most likely used to getting.

    In the meantime, a decent man is responding and we exchanged phone numbers. He said he’s not looking for a serious relationship right now. I am just going to go with it and look at him as practice. I don’t think he’s my type, but good practice.

    I think I might need to join a website for BBWs (Big, Beautiful Women) or I am just setting myself up for failure. That’s why I keep thinking I might be better off just focusing on me for a while: weight loss, getting my life in order. I’m in especially bad shape after not being able to exercise with the hip injury I’ve had all this year. Now I’m swimming and most of the pain is gone. But it’s going to be a long hill to get back to the level of fitness I had reached last summer when I was 35 lbs lighter and walking with Ryan every day. 🙁

  199.  #199Siena on June 22, 2010 at 9:34 am

    Brenda, I feel so impressed by your text convo! He’s just a messenger, so it doesn’t really matter what his living situation is! Keep going, it’s great!

    My $.02 is rather than sign yourself up for BBW, to continue on your getting fit regimen and attract better and better men through Match.

    I have a personal philosophy that includes being very careful about “self talk” or limiting beliefs. If I say I’m fat, I gain weight. If I say I’m poor, I get a bill in the mail that I wasn’t expecting.

    So joining a BBW website when I want to lose weight is in effect telling myself that I will fail.

    That’s why I’m sometimes Pollyanna on this website. Because I truly believe that thoughts become things, and so I try to think and write very positive stuff mostly.

    And the negative stuff… well, I’ll write that too – maybe once or twice – but then I force myself to stop.

    I used to be an overweight, depressed person. Doing this has completely changed my life and my vibe (and my bank account – haha!)

  200.  #200Siena on June 22, 2010 at 9:42 am

    “I feel cool to like “get” 50,000 dollars, but not to “make” 50,000 dollars – blah ick, no gross! i dont’ want to contribute to this pattern of torture and enslavement or put myself thru that!”

    Daria, you’re on the right track here! As feminine women, it’s perfectly acceptable to choose to “receive” money rather than “make” it. Let God take care of you and provide for you in that respect too! He’ll probably ask you to do something to bring the money in, but that something will be in keeping with your feminine energy and what feels good for you. It won’t feel like work.

    …that’s what I’m working on nowadays anyway… I’ve been focused on switching my vibe from masculine to feminine in my personal life, and now I’m working on it in my professional life too.

    I want to be a completely feminine woman who does everything with grace and ease. Like Grace Kelly. If she could do it, so can I!

  201.  #201Brenda on June 22, 2010 at 9:52 am


    Thank you! I really like what you said! I have sort of had that same feeling all along, like hey, I KNOW I’m beautiful underneath this TEMPORARY flesh of prison. I want to be free of it, not let it define me. But Kenny kept urging me the other way. I will say tho, so far I have had several men say “no thank you” to my wink.

    I feel mean calling him nerd, but my goodness, he’s the classic nerd! He contacted me this morning with a friendly hello how are you so I contacted him back. As it stands now, I am meeting him Friday, and of course I have to go to him since he doesn’t drive. He urged me to take half a day off work cuz he has to be back inside the shelter by 7 pm. Of course I said no. I will be forcing myself to go to begin with. If I even go that far. It depends on how well he behaves on the phone between now and then.

  202.  #202Brenda on June 22, 2010 at 9:56 am

    Siena and Daria,

    I also want a more feminine job, working with people, helping people, using my creativity, and taking more classes. But none of that earns me money, as it stands now. My friend, Chris, kept urging me to do it and trust God, cuz I’m seriously burned out at my current job.

    I asked her, “Should I move from my apartment before or after I get evicted? Should I give back my car before or after it gets repossessed?” She said I was being sarcastic, but I said well that’s the reality if I just quit my job and walk in faith! I need to have something else in place before I quit my job.

    But I really want to. I am involved with a savings club work from home company, but I never have the extra time to build it up. I have a really good feeling about it, tho, and I think it could be my ticket. If I could do that part time eventually, it would free up my time to do what I want to do on a volunteer basis.

    Another thing I’m interested in is what my friend, Franny, says she’d like to do: open an adult daycare and children’s daycare under the same roof! I think that would be so good for all people involved! I would love to do that with her, and she’s really good people!

  203.  #203Siena on June 22, 2010 at 9:59 am

    Yay Brenda! So a couple things though… since this is just CDing, it doesn’t really matter… but it feels weird to me that a man in a shelter is dating.

    Mother Hen here is saying that he better provide for everything on your date. Even if no money is involved!

    But actually, it’s perfect practice to lean back and receive… especially since he is not going to be giving to you from his excess…

    okay I feel better now. (haha, aren’t you glad I’m emotionally invested in YOUR date!?)

  204.  #204Siena on June 22, 2010 at 10:03 am

    “But none of that earns me money, as it stands now. ”

    It doesn’t because you don’t believe it does. If you believed it does, then it would.

    It’s like… one of the simplest AND most difficult concepts in the world to grasp.

    I struggle with it everyday too!

  205.  #205Simply Shannon on June 22, 2010 at 10:04 am

    Siena: I feel good reading your posts. Very helpful to hear your voice!

    All: I have a sitch and I need help. My ex provides a plethora of triggers for me. We get along okay now that I no longer deal with him daily but when things zing me, they REALLY zing me.

    My sitch:
    I’ve signed up to do a bible study on Tuesday nights from 7-9pm. He keeps the boys on Tuesdays until 8:30pm. I asked him last week if he could keep the boys until 9:15pm (so I can get home to meet him).

    Last week… “no, I’m busy.”

    This week… “no, I’m busy. is this gonna be every week? I thought you meant just last week.”

    GRRRRRR!!! I could scream.

    He’s “busy” at 9pm on a Tuesday? Must be nice! And he has no job and isn’t paying me child support right now.

    I am tiptoe-ing around him and I feel PISSED OFF. I know this is past crap from our marriage and maybe from something even further back.

    I always felt like everything was MY responsibility. Everything for him was just optional. He could say yes or no. I always felt subject to his decision, like I’d have to deal with whatever he said.

    These are his kids too. 45 mins dude! 45 mins!


    My chest feels tight. My mind is racing. The NVs are speaking loud and clear.

    I love my intensity. I love my anger. Yes anger, I love you. I love my confusion at finding the “right” words.

  206.  #206Siena on June 22, 2010 at 10:14 am

    Shannon, hugs and love to you! I am feeling VERY philosophical and “tuned in” today, so here’s my take:

    Under stress, go to wonder rather than fear.

    “I wonder who is going to be taking care of my kids while I’m at bible study? hmmm?” and then wait to receive the answer.

    Or you could make it into a ‘believing’ prayer.

    Dear God, I know I am supposed to go to the bible study because it’s good for me. It fills me up, is good for my soul, for my family, for my relationship with you. My ex can’t provide for me the things I need to be able to go to bible study. So I’m asking and trusting you to provide. I definitely need babysitting, but since you’re a God of abundance, and I am feeling distraught, I am also asking to receive a special gift to help me to feel more open and more feminine than ever before. Thank you! Love you! Shannon.

  207.  #207Brenda on June 22, 2010 at 10:18 am


    I don’t know if I agree with not paying when a guy is broke. I paid for Ryan all the time. Granted, it felt weird, for both of us. But if I didn’t, the alternative would have been for me to cook for him every night! I cooked a lot for him to begin with, and I hated it. He would come around 8-9 pm typically, because he slept all day and didn’t get up until 3 or 5 pm typically. Everything we did or didn’t do revolved around his “condition” (ie, schizophrenia).

    I didn’t mind being up till 12 am or so with him, cuz I’m a night person myself (as evidenced by a lot of my posts in Eastern Time! LOL!). But he’d be hungry late at night, and I didn’t feel like getting into cooking when I had already cooked for myself earlier. Yet what was I gonna say when he said, “I’m hungry”? So more and more often, I’d offer to take him out to eat so I didn’t have to cook.

    Now with Nerd, I am not planning to do either. I feel utterly unattracted. I am sticking this out more for his practice than mine! Dude will never get a woman going at them like he is! Totally insensitive!

    But I had in mind just going to a park with him or getting coffee. I don’t know…I’ll see what he says when I get there. But maybe just going for a walk.

    It feels weird to me, too, that he’s dating and like how can he afford a membership to Match and a cell phone when he is in a shelter? So anyway, I’m sure not going to worry about it much. But I really appreciate your input, and I know it’s good practice to say the feeling messages in live conversation.

  208.  #208Siena on June 22, 2010 at 10:19 am

    …and the EXACT same issue (although in a totally much more minor way) just came up for me.

    It’s not kids in my case. It’s my little dog who needs to be taken care of on Sat so I can go have fun with #1CD.

    So… hmm… I wonder who is going to be taking care of doggie on Saturday while I go have fun with #1CD?

    Dear God, I trust you to provide a caregiver for doggie so that I can go have fun with #1CD. Thank you for providing that for me, I can’t wait to see how you work it out!!

  209.  #209Siena on June 22, 2010 at 10:22 am

    Brenda, “I don’t know if I agree with not paying when a guy is broke.”

    WHAT!? They ALWAYS have to provide, no matter what their situation is. ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS!

    If they can’t afford something, or can’t cook, or can’t walk, or can’t… whatever… then let them figure out another way to provide.

    So it’s pretty obvious to me that you’ve subconsciously chosen a homeless guy so you can learn to receive even if you feel guilty. What do you think?

  210.  #210Simply Shannon on June 22, 2010 at 10:30 am

    Siiena: I have a back up plan. My parents love keeping the boys. I don’t feel concerned about having a babysitter. I feel angry that he can’t give me this extra time.

    I feel pouty and childish but seriously I dealt with this a lot when we were married. He would go out, come and go as he pleased. I resented the heck out of it. The first time I kicked him out is when I was going through post partum (literally had gotten on meds that day). I asked him to come home that day (he can hear babies wailing in the background). He knows I went to the doctor that day and got on meds. He told me no. That he had to take these guys out to dinner for work. In my anger, I told him not to bother coming home. And he didn’t come home, not that night.

    I feel weird. I feel quiet rage. Not good.

  211.  #211Siena on June 22, 2010 at 10:31 am

    “Yet what was I gonna say when he said, “I’m hungry”? ”

    Nothing. Or I might say something cheeky like, “oh I feel bad, are you going to go through the drive-thru? If you do, I would love a chocolate shake!”

    “But I had in mind just going to a park with him or getting coffee. I don’t know…I’ll see what he says when I get there. But maybe just going for a walk. ”

    He gets to plan. You just show up looking and smelling great and agree to whatever he wants to do (as long as it feels good to you and you feel safe doing it). And let him figure out the logistics. (although he’ll probably fall in love with you when you do this, so be careful!)

  212.  #212Simply Shannon on June 22, 2010 at 10:32 am

    I blame him for a lot of stuff. I know it’s not helpful and it gives him all the power. And yet I still feel this way. I still feel mad. I still feel resentful.

    Frig and frak. I almost wished I hadn’t even asked him. Like not depending on him would be easier than being told “no I can’t be inconvenienced for you.”

  213.  #213Siena on June 22, 2010 at 10:34 am

    Shannon, I misunderstood, I’m sorry. That feels icky to me too. It feels icky to want to depend on someone who is not there. Ugh!

  214.  #214Lucy on June 22, 2010 at 10:35 am

    Shannon, I can really relate to your feelings about your ex-h — my ex-h, too, acted like all the responsibilities with the children were optional for him — and I kinda felt like, dude, they’re your KIDS! Why would you not WANT to be with them whenever you can since you don’t have custody????

    For me, I eventually just let go of ALL expectations. Essentially I gave up. He does what he wants when he wants. Period.

  215.  #215Lucy on June 22, 2010 at 10:38 am

    And, really, since I gave up — he’s been “falling in love” with me (so he says), mowing the lawn and doing other stuff for me without my asking.

    But I know he’s not really in love with me — he just likes that I don’t expect anything from him and he can do what he wants.

  216.  #216Lucy on June 22, 2010 at 10:43 am

    I am pretty mad at that guy who wrote me the email, “I’ve been winking at you for months! …. Are you ever gonna respond??? Talk about hard to get!”

    I feel angry that he wrote that and then I responded with feeling messages and he hasn’t written back.

    I feel annoyed that maybe he was just jerking me around and I let him by being interested.

    I feel angry at myself for attracting men who jerk me around.

    Ack. I have probably jerked around lots of men too. Just by being flirtatious and playful when I didn’t mean anything by it.

    I feel lost.

  217.  #217Lucy on June 22, 2010 at 10:49 am

    Brenda, I agree with the stuff Siena wrote about your date for Friday. I would want to see this as a great opportunity to undo some old patterns and ways of thinking about men who seem unable to provide. What do you think?

  218.  #218Lucy on June 22, 2010 at 10:52 am

    Anyway, I’m mostly not thinking about any of these men — since they’re not in front of me. But I do feel this anger coming up when that guy crosses my mind.

    I have kind of given up on attracting a man I really like who really likes me.

  219.  #219Brenda on June 22, 2010 at 10:52 am


    Even if I appear resistant right now, I really want to hear what you have to say about this not paying piece.

    It has always been my understanding that when you have company, at YOUR house, you provide food and drink for them when they’re hungry! What do you do if a man is at your house and it’s mealtime?? I mean, I’m honestly asking!

    Ryan almost never invited me to his house cuz he lives with his parents. He was really, really into privacy. He invited me there twice, and both times his parents were in another state. And, at those times, he offered me food and drink.

    So the way I see it, Ryan was playing the hand he was dealt: he was on disability and his money was so meager that he alloted himself $10/day for spending money. We all know that goes almost nowhere if you’re eating out. On the other hand, I earn decent money. So it still makes little sense to me why he should pay when I’m the one with the paycheck.

    He also felt embarrassed about it, and he let me know his goal was to get well and be able to handle a job. Last I knew, he was volunteering at a hospital in order to build job skills. But it was hard for him in public because sometimes he would uncontrollably start acting weird, like mumbling, gesturing, etc. A lot of people felt scared by him.

    So let’s get back to the scenario when he’s at my house at 10 pm and is hungry. Isn’t it rude to suggest that he go thru a drive-through? We were about 6 miles from the nearest restaurant.

    I observed that he tailored his dating life around his condition. He couldn’t afford to take a woman out to eat, so he “hung out” at my house. One day we went to New York City, and his Mom gave him $30 to take me out to eat. That was one of the few times. Other than that, if we were just getting tea and coffee, he typically paid.

    How do you feel about all that?

  220.  #220Siena on June 22, 2010 at 10:54 am

    accckkk! Just received an email from The Man. It’s been 6 months since we broke up, and probably 4.5 months since I heard a peep from him at all. That breakup is the one that drove me to Siren Island.

    All it said was, ” Just wanted to say hi. Hope all is well.”

    How do I respond?!

    “I’m feeling good, thank you! And I felt a little surprised to see your name in my inbox… ”


  221.  #221Brenda on June 22, 2010 at 10:55 am


    Maybe wink guy is just busy. Give him a few more days. Sorry you are feeling frustrated. So am I. But let’s make the best of it.

    I heard on the news this morning about the man whose arm got stuck in the boiler in the basement. He almost bled to death, but he was down there 2-3 days and tried to cut off his own arm. He survived. I hear stuff like that and it reminds me my own problems are like a field of daisies in comparison.

    I really do need to come to terms with paying when men are broke. Too many years of supporting men in prison, I guess. It sure would feel good to be wined and dined by a rich man, that’s for sure!

  222.  #222Brenda on June 22, 2010 at 10:57 am


    That sounds like a good feeling message.

    Now I’m off to a meeting with Bill at work. 🙂

  223.  #223Lucy on June 22, 2010 at 10:57 am

    WOW Siena!!!!!

    You knew he would come back and he did!

    I recall you saying that you didn’t think you got his “message” yet, right? Here’s your chance!


  224.  #224Lucy on June 22, 2010 at 11:00 am

    Thanks, Brenda.

    I feel interested in the possibility that if you pay for anything with this homeless guy you will be blocking your ability to RECEIVE from him as well as his ability to GIVE to you.

    Maybe experiment and be open to see what you can receive from him when you don’t give him anything except your beautiful presence. 🙂

  225.  #225Brenda on June 22, 2010 at 11:12 am

    I don’t have an issue with not paying anything for the homeless dude. I accept that.

    I would really like to find resolution about paying for Ryan. I don’t think at all that he’s out of my life, and I really want to be prepared for when he calls me again. I honestly struggled with it the whole time I was with him! I’d go grocery shopping with HIM in mind because I wanted to get simple stuff like frozen pizzas so I didn’t have to do a lot of late night cooking. It was annoying that time of night plus it tempted me to eat after I had already had dinner.

    What was really annoying is little by little, it became apparent that he was primarily asking for food to test me! To see if I would overeat! Then I really felt icky about it.

  226.  #226Brenda on June 22, 2010 at 11:24 am

    My meeting was cancelled but no one included me on the cancellation email.

    About the job thing again, I really would like to process that more, too. Siena, I like what you’re saying about speaking positively and bringing it into existence, and I’m totally with you there. I’ve read “The Secret” and like the whole Law of Attraction language. After all, God SPOKE and all of creation came into being! I believe the ultimate reality is the spoken word of God.

    Since I am made in His image, I believe I can also speak things into reality. But what are the practical implications? Just up and quit my job? Then I’d re-ask my questions: “Should I move from my apartment before or after I get evicted? Should I give back my car before or after it gets repossessed?”

    I will never forget the lesson I had in this. I attended a Christian university, and I was all about walking in faith. I had enough for my first year, but starting my second year, I was short on tuition money. I enrolled anyway, believing that the money would come.

    I got called into a dean’s office midsemester, and he was livid as he asked me how I planned to pay for the rest of the semester. I told him what I just told you, and he yelled at me, saying that I was in effect using the university as a loan provider, and they were not. I finished the semester and somehow managed to get student loans.

    After that, I decided to have a plan before I walked on faith. It’s a fine line. But I am seriously going to plan my time to move in that direction. Another thing I want to do is write books.

  227.  #227Brenda on June 22, 2010 at 11:27 am


    You said, “you will be blocking your ability to RECEIVE from him as well as his ability to GIVE to you.”

    I believe that is partially what happened with Ryan. It left the dynamics of our friendship off balance from the start. I never did know what to do with it. I would try to discuss it with him, and he was pretty much silent and acted uncomfortable, so I just kept on paying.

    I know one thing for sure, if Ryan does come back in my life, a whole lot of things are going to be different. And I will back away as far as I need to so I don’t get hurt over and over.

    Part of me wonders if he’s dating another woman, and it really bothers me. I know, I know, you all want me to forget about him.

    I am at least moving in the right direction, in baby steps, getting my attention on my own growth and on other men.

  228.  #228Simply Sha-nay-nay on June 22, 2010 at 11:42 am

    Rori: Can you talk a little about how you handle things in a committed relationship/marriage?

    It looks like Lucy and I have struggled with similar things in our marriages. And even divorced, I have to have this relationship with my ex. He triggers me immensely.

    Lucy said this:

    I can really relate to your feelings about your ex-h — my ex-h, too, acted like all the responsibilities with the children were optional for him — and I kinda felt like, dude, they’re your KIDS!

    For me, I eventually just let go of ALL expectations. Essentially I gave up. He does what he wants when he wants. Period.

    And, really, since I gave up — he’s been “falling in love” with me (so he says), mowing the lawn and doing other stuff for me without my asking.

    But I know he’s not really in love with me — he just likes that I don’t expect anything from him and he can do what he wants.

    – – – – –

    There’s leaning back and circular dating. Keeping my power. I get that. I just don’t see how I can’t be tied to the outcome or not feel resentful when I don’t get help. The kids have to be cared for, bills have to be paid, the trash has to be taken out. ???

    Yes, I can just assume I’m doing it all. I can ask my friends and family when I need help. I don’t have to rely on him, but that’s not what I want really, right?

    And I’m talking in general as well as specific to my ex. I’m still having difficulty wrapping my brain around the normal everyday stuff couples deal with in a relationship.

  229.  #229Siena on June 22, 2010 at 11:55 am

    “So let’s get back to the scenario when he’s at my house at 10 pm and is hungry. Isn’t it rude to suggest that he go thru a drive-through? We were about 6 miles from the nearest restaurant.”

    Here’s my take: He’s not “company” he’s a romantic interest who you want to feel feminine with. So it might feel awkward at first, but telling him, “oh I don’t feel good making you something to eat. But there’s food in the fridge if you’d like something,” might be a good idea at first.

    The point is, if he’s a masculine man, he won’t be able to fall in love with you if you do all the giving (or really ANY giving at this point.) So, full stop. Turnaround, nothing but receiving for the first – say, 4 months – until it becomes second nature for him to PROTECT and PROVIDE for you. You provide NOTHING. You just receive and respond.

  230.  #230Siena on June 22, 2010 at 11:58 am

    Regarding the job, no, you don’t have to give up what you’re doing now, but I would start seriously praying about it and then start following signs, even if you don’t know where they lead.

    Masculine DOES, feminine IS. Another way to say that is feminine DESIRES. So you can feel good just desiring and continuing to trust that it will come to you, without worrying AT ALL about the “how”. The how is masculine, and either God or a man will provide it… or, you’ll be shown the way that you can provide it for yourself in a way that feels fun, natural, and good to you.

  231.  #231Brenda on June 22, 2010 at 12:00 pm


    Thank you very much for addressing this! I feel TOTALLY weird about doing that. BUT!! I know I’m the former Queen of Overfunctioning, AND you are the Queen of CDing, so I am going to trust your judgment and try this when and if Ry Guy comes around again.

    It really did contribute to a lot of our confusion in roles. But beyond that, over and over he leaned back or prompted ME to make the first move in all different ways. Then when I did, he’d more or less punish me for it. So I intend to do that…FULL STOP… and either he steps up and treats me like the goddess he talked about in all his poetic writings, or he’s history.

    I’m determined to stop being the Queen of Overfunctioning.

  232.  #232Siena on June 22, 2010 at 12:02 pm

    Lucy, yes, it’s TOTALLY weird about The Man, but I knew he’d come back. I don’t know to what extent he’ll come back, but – yep – here he is in my inbox!

    Yesterday, another ex called me too. The one before The Man. He really hurt me also (because I was a mess before Siren Island). But talking to him yesterday, I leaned back and used feeling messages, and felt zero attraction for him. And he was the one who was totally pursuing me in the convo (instead of the other way around, which is what it basically used to be.)

    He ended the call with his typical, “call me and we’ll get together sometime.” I responded with, “You know I’m not going to call you J, but I’d feel good talking to you again if you call me.” He was speechless and (haha) kind of fumbled through whatever it was that he said to me next. Yay!

  233.  #233Brenda on June 22, 2010 at 12:03 pm


    About the feminine desire and be, yes, yes, yes, I totally respond to that. And what feels really good is that is what I’m already doing. I feel really good about my savings club, and about setting aside time to write my book every night. Those are two things I CAN do NOW toward that end! And, I’ve already been praying about this a whole lot.

    I am impressed that the author of Harry Potter was a single mother on welfare when she wrote those books! Now she’s a multi-millionaire! People like her are my role models.

  234.  #234Brenda on June 22, 2010 at 12:05 pm


    Congratulations on graduating from those men!

    It sure feels good to be confident in what we say to men. I used to have no idea what to say or not say! You’ve really gotten a handle on it, and thank you for guiding me!

  235.  #235Siena on June 22, 2010 at 12:05 pm

    “and either he steps up and treats me like the goddess he talked about in all his poetic writings, or he’s history. ”

    YAY! That’s seriously awesome! Now go out and CD until it HURTS so that you can drive THAT into your body so that you feel it in your bones!

    I was also the Queen of Overfunctioning – West Coast chapter. CDing fixed that. It’s miraculous!

  236.  #236Brenda on June 22, 2010 at 12:10 pm

    Yes, it is miraculous. And, yes, CDing hurts! But so do most things that take me out of my comfort zone. 🙂

  237.  #237Siena on June 22, 2010 at 12:13 pm

    Lucy, re #216.

    Under stress, go to wonder rather than fear (anger, hurt, etc.)

    “I wonder why I keep attracting men who jerk me around… hmmmm….”

    “I have kind of given up on attracting a man I really like who really likes me.”

    how about

    “I have given up on attracting anything BUT a man I really like and who really likes me”

  238.  #238Sweetpea on June 22, 2010 at 12:16 pm

    Lovely Sirens, I need some help. I’m going out with gucci man tonight, & chances are good Steppin’ Up Man will call. I already told SU I’m dating until there’s a ring on my finger, but we actually haven’t discussed it. So when I call him back, do I tell him I was on a date?…out to dinner?… Obviously, I won’t tell him anything unless he asks, but I’d like to be prepared if he does.

  239.  #239Rori Raye on June 22, 2010 at 12:21 pm

    Siena, I love this (to Lucy re #216) Love, Rori

  240.  #240Sweetpea on June 22, 2010 at 12:24 pm

    Brenda, when I was reading the posts, I thought, “well… If she doesn’t mind taking care of man, just because I don’t want to, doesn’t mean she shouldn’t.” And then I remembered how Rori says in the ebook that you can choose to be the masculine energy partner if that’s what you want. But I don’t think that’s what you want.

    So… I have to say… If it’s not what you want, then you have to heal the trigger. And Rori said in the newsletter yesterday to first practice NOT giving and this is where the “toads” come in handy… Sounds to me like you have your toad! Good luck!

    You deserve what you want & if you don’t want to be the giver in the relationship, then this is your road to healing! Love ya!!!

  241.  #241Rori Raye on June 22, 2010 at 12:26 pm

    Simply – this day-to-day thing, chores, all that is a whole book, and I’ll start posting about how I do it…basically…okay – I’ll script some of this in a new post…Love, Rori (it’ll take a few weeks, I think…so for now, just do what you’re doing – and do as LITTLE as possible FORGET THE TRASH!!! LET it pile up until you can’t stand it – say to him ONLY “the trash feels huge…” then take it out yourself the next day if he doesn’t. Just state what IS, and don’t ASK. Love, Rori

  242.  #242Rori Raye on June 22, 2010 at 12:33 pm

    Brenda – my take is: When God, The Universe, All That Is, Love moves through us without our getting in the way with all our old stuff – then we are inspired organically to take action, to make a plan, to DO stuff. Sometimes – you have to take action anyway, even if you’re not inspired, and pay close attention to how it feels so you can organically guide yourself down the path you want to go. No matter what – I believe WE are the instrument. The music does not play itself without us, because we are part of the music. The thing is to know when we’re trying to control the music and make it go the way we want, and when we’re simply singing with it in our voice. Baby steps in any direction help us blast through our mental ideas and limitations – just feel your way through. Love, Rori

  243.  #243Simply Shannon on June 22, 2010 at 12:36 pm

    LOL! Thanks Rori! Love, Sha-nay-nay 🙂

    Yeah! Okay, I feel excited that Rori will talk to us about the “next step” stuff. I have a feeling I’m going to meet the man of my dreams SOON, and I don’t want to feel scared about commitment. Dealing with my ex leaves me feeling scared that I’ll go right back to what I had before with him.

    I feel nervous committing to one man. There I said it. Right now I have so much power because I don’t have to stay with a man that doesn’t feel good. All bets are off once I get married. I don’t want to get divorced again. I don’t want to go into it with the attitude that “oh I’ll just divorce again if it’s going badly”. Blech. No.

    I want a forever commitment in marriage with a man that I respect and who loves me like crazy. I don’t expect perfection though, so I want to know how to handle the junk that I know is gonna come up.

    Until then, I’m going to make plans around my ex. It’s not worth the anger. I’m going to drop my expectations. (This will be a struggle for me because I still feel resentful that he doesn’t help more.)

  244.  #244Sweetpea on June 22, 2010 at 12:39 pm

    Yay! I’m excited about the “next step” stuff too!

  245.  #245Sweetpea on June 22, 2010 at 12:48 pm

    Aarrgghh! Ack! Trigger!!! Trigger trigger trigger!

    I just got yet another email from koolv. He’s the guy on pof who is very persistent & I can’t get comfortable with. I told him that & that I don’t want to talk to him anymore.

    The email he sent is fairly lengthy & talks about how he doesn’t want to make me uncomfortable, but when he saw my picture, he felt like he knows me or something. Then, on another site I signed up on, but don’t subscribe to, we apparently came up as a Match. So he would like the chance to make his case – over lunch maybe? And if not to just ignore the email…

    Message anyone? Anyone believe in soulmates & if so, wouldn’t I be feeling it too?

    I still think he’s a playa. Just don’t know why he’s so persistent! There’s got to be a message there. Boundaries maybe?

    Siena – you’re on a hella roll today… Anything?

  246.  #246Siena on June 22, 2010 at 12:48 pm

    Sweetpea, re #238 – how do you feel about telling him what you were doing?

    I would say, tell him the truth, but do so in feeling messages.

    For me, it might be something like,

    “Wow, I feel weird, because I don’t want this to come between us, but – yes, a guy called me up and asked me on a date, and that’s where I was.”

    hmm, but even that feels a little apologetic to me, which I don’t like.

    I dunno, I struggle with this convo too.

    Whatever happens, I say take it slowly so that there are no misunderstandings between you two.

  247.  #247Siena on June 22, 2010 at 12:51 pm

    Sweetpea, re #245-

    howabout something like,

    “well, I feel confused now. My ‘no’ means ‘no’, and usually I would feel really turned off by someone who didn’t take no for an answer. But I hear that you are pretty convinced that we should get to know each other, and I feel intrigued by that. I don’t feel comfortable getting lunch with you just yet… do you have another suggestion to help me feel more comfortable?”

  248.  #248Lucy on June 22, 2010 at 1:05 pm

    Sweetpea, I got an email from koolv today: “what a drag you are so far away. 🙁 ”

    He doesn’t bother me at all — I just either ignore him or send a short feeling message — it probably feels different for me because we’re in different states. 🙂

  249.  #249Lucy on June 22, 2010 at 1:18 pm

    Sha-nay-nay, hehe,

    I did have a recent interesting experience with my ex-h. We got a notice about billing changes for our phone company, and it required that we make a call to cancel our long distance service.

    He stood there with the letter, explaining to me what I needed to say when I called the company (since the phone is at the house I live in with the kids). I didn’t want to make the phone call — I already have enough responsibilities — and my mind was shutting down as he tried to explain the thing to me.

    So I looked at him and said, “I feel confused.”

    He laughed and said, “It’s really simple. Just call and say [explanation].”

    I said, “I feel overwhelmed just THINKING about making that call.”

    And I stood there, leaned back, non-blaming, not asking, looking sweet (but slightly confused and overwhelmed lol!)

    And he smiled and laughed a little and said, “Alright, I guess I can take care of it.”

    I smiled and said, “Thanks.”


  250.  #250Sweetpea on June 22, 2010 at 1:20 pm

    Siena – thanks for your help. I think your message is a good starting point. It does feel weird & I don’t want any misunderstandings between us, so I can take that & run. Thank you!

    Unfortunately I don’t think my date’s going to happen tonight anyway. But I’ll work on that msg anyway, cuz it will happen at some point.

    As for koolv… I like your suggestion IF I respond to him. He doesn’t bother Lucy – thank God. But he creeps me out. I can’t put my finger on why, but I’m thinking I’m going to stick with my intuition & trust the Universe to bring me that msg in another from. I’ve been working at developing my intuition & the more I think about it, the more I think it would be counter-intuitive to that.

    It is awful ironic that he got me as a match, but when I think of actually meeting him, my tummy rolls. Like I want to vomit, but without the nausea. Thanks for your feedback though. I really do appreciate it. The more I consider it though, the more I think my no needs to mean no.

    I’m lovin’ you being on this roll today! I was tempted to take your advice since you’re so intuitive, but you don’t know “the rest of the story.” Lol. You could send out good thoughts for me though that if his message for me is something other than boundaries that I get a less scary messenger. 🙂

  251.  #251Brenda on June 22, 2010 at 1:28 pm


    Thank you for your feedback in #242!

    How do you feel about planning a seminar where all of us on Siren Island can come to your area and meet each other? Maybe it could be that topic you are talking of, the next step? We’d really like to meet you, too! 🙂

  252.  #252Sweetpea on June 22, 2010 at 1:29 pm

    Nice Lucy! Well done! Brava!

  253.  #253Simply Shannon on June 22, 2010 at 1:30 pm

    Lucy, I feel curious. Were you boiling with anger underneath that though? So when you were responding, were you screaming on the inside? I can’t picture standing there non-blaming with my ex. I could “want” to do those things and fake it but my insides would be in a twist.

    I responded to my ex’s text saying “yes, it’s every Tuesday. I feel frustrated. Help!”

    He responded: “If it’s going to be every Tuesday, I guess I can plan on keeping the boys a bit later going forward…”

    I responded: Thank you. I feel relieved.

    That’s a BS lie though. See. This is how I know this is something else because I feel soooo angry. My anger is not even in proportion to the offense. Yuck.

    “I guess I can”… Wow. Let me get the mayor to give him the key to the city. Grrrrr!

  254.  #254Brenda on June 22, 2010 at 1:31 pm

    Sweetpea, about you telling Stepping Up about your date…if you are not comfortable telling him, are you required to?

    How about this…

    “I had plans tonight.”

    If he asks, “What did you do?” or “Who were you with?” you STILL aren’t required to tell him if you aren’t ready to. You could smile and say…

    “I was just really busy” or something like that.

    How do you feel about that?

  255.  #255Brenda on June 22, 2010 at 1:33 pm


    I know when we are asking a favor of someone, it isn’t usually the time to spout our anger. Nevertheless, you have a right to express that. Maybe if he grumbles about it tonight or next week you could simply state, “I feel angry.” or whatever fits the situation.

    How do you feel about that?

  256.  #256Lucy on June 22, 2010 at 1:37 pm

    Shannon, no, I felt no anger at all. I truly felt the things I expressed to him — and no anger.

    Last fall I really came to a place of forgiveness, letting go of expectations, and accepting him the way he is. (Eckhart Tolle’s work helped with that.)

    I have only felt angry at him ONCE since then — and it was triggered by the “flirting with other women” trigger that was part of the huge mess that broke up our marriage and caused me so much pain.

  257.  #257Sweetpea on June 22, 2010 at 1:38 pm

    Siena – I feel like a heel for asking your advice & then decicing to not take. It’s not that I’m at all unappreciative – it’s just that I got to thinking, “why is this even a question. The guy creeps you out.” I don’t think you were in on the original convo where I talked about feeling SO uncomfortable about going out with him that I was wondering if he’s a serial killer or something. At first I thought he seems preety intent on a serious relationship & it was fear of intimacy on my part, but since I met SU guy & it doesn’t creep me out with him… I’m thinking it’s something else & I don’t feel I should chance it.

    I feel bad!

  258.  #258Brenda on June 22, 2010 at 1:40 pm


    You’re right, no, I don’t want to take care of a man. I thought it was a case of an exception since he’s on disability. I am learning otherwise.

    It felt yucky the whole way thru, but I just wasn’t equipped to handle it. I wasn’t equipped for the whole relationship, because he leans back more than any of us ever even thot of! I’d be embarrassed to tell you how poorly I handled it. I just didn’t know what to do when he leaned back, and so much of this stuff I was not aware of. It has been like waking up out of a dream to see the dynamics of relationships.

    Please keep in mind for a couple of decades my most serious interaction was with God and animals. I isolated myself. So I just was blind to the dynamics of human interactions. So much of it is nonverbal that I just didn’t comprehend. So it felt scary and I just isolated myself more, where I felt safe in fields and woods. My human interaction was largely limited to books and letters. And, it’s why I feel especially comfortable here…it’s writing…it’s safe. I don’t have to look into angry eyes. I have trouble with eye contact cuz the only time my parents made eye contact with me was when they were angry.

  259.  #259Sweetpea on June 22, 2010 at 2:02 pm

    Brenda – I understand. My first bf moved in with me & didn’t have a job. I let him borrow my car while I was at work so he could go look for one. We were only together about 3 months & I didn’t mind helping him out. Until I found out later that he wasn’t even looking for a job. He was “cruising the strip” in my Mustang – which is where he met the girl he broke up with me for…

    My first LTR, the guy ended up hurting his back & not having a job – AFTER we signed a contract for deed – & I ended up supporting him while he sat at home doing drugs. Good times! That was enough for me.

    I’m feeling pretty good about the guy paying now. I found that if I go use the ladies room, the ticket is usually paid by the time I come back & it eliminates the discomfort of wondering if I should offer to pay.

    I used to do the equality thing – where I’d buy occasionally – & that worked ok with the last guy because there were only a couple of times I bought with him. I don’t think I’d even be comfortable with that anymore though. Hmm. How things change. At best I would pay for my own. I find I like being treated like a lady! 🙂

  260.  #260Brenda on June 22, 2010 at 2:07 pm


    I hear ya. Yes, you are right. I need to get in the habit of being treated…and being treated like a lady.

    It’s time to break the pattern.

  261.  #261Brenda on June 22, 2010 at 2:08 pm

    I realize it feels almost alien to me. 21 years of writing people in prison…ugh. I feel like I wasted so many years being clueless and emotionally backward.

    Baby steps.

  262.  #262Brenda on June 22, 2010 at 2:22 pm

    Here’s a new wink on Match…he said on his profile, “Write me only if you’re serious about a long term relationship, marriage.”

    He’s two inches shorter than me, and he lives 3 hrs away. Height is really my number one physical requirement, to be at least as tall as me. I can deal with most other physical attributes, but I just don’t like a man to be shorter than me.

    Am I justified in not winking back? 🙂

  263.  #263Sweetpea on June 22, 2010 at 2:22 pm

    Brenda – eh! It is what it is. Your writing to guys in prison served a purpose too. I believe I can find a message even in past relationships. Look at the lessons I learned from the two guys I just talked about. And the last guy I dated before I relocated is hugely responsible for why I’m here! I knew I had to learn to open up more, but Eric was such a Godsend. When we split up, he was soooo straight with me. He told me he was surprised at how upset I was because he didn’t have any idea that it would matter to me one way or another. That I played my cards so close to my chest that he had no idea I cared about him & that I need to be more forthcoming with my feelings. And a whole lot of other stuff I needed to hear.

    I’m almost tearing up writing about it. He was unbelievably caring about it. I didn’t feel defensive at all. I cried and he rubbed my back & just stuck to his guns. I’ve never met a man who was so comfortable with emotions – & yet very masculine energy. He was pretty amazing.

    I’ve been thinking lately of getting ahold of him & telling him thanks again. I cried that night & told him “I know I need to be more open but I don’t know how! I’m never gonna get this.” And he just looked at me and said, “yes you will.” I’d love to tell him he was right about that & thank him again.

  264.  #264Brenda on June 22, 2010 at 2:32 pm


    Thanks for sharing that.

  265.  #265Sweetpea on June 22, 2010 at 2:34 pm

    Brenda – I don’t think I AM required to tell Steppin’ Up where I was at, but I don’t want any misunderstandings between us, so I will be as honest with him as I possibly can. I just thought I would not bring it up at all & if he did, just tell him I was out to dinner. I doubt he would push it. The only reason I thought it might even be an issue is because I already missed one call from him this morning. On one hand I think 2 missed calls in one day – woohoo! That’s some leaning back! Then on the other, the honesty thing. I’m going to continue to CD. I just want to decide my best course of action when it comes up. I’d rather discuss it with him in person. But that may not be feasible.

    I considered just telling him I was at dinner & my ringer was off.

  266.  #266Brenda on June 22, 2010 at 2:41 pm


    That’s fine…just know that not telling him is not being dishonest. It is choosing to withhold your deep truth until YOU feel comfortable to reveal it. Nothing wrong with waiting until you’re in person.

    Ask me no questions, I’ll tell you no lies…

  267.  #267Brenda on June 22, 2010 at 2:47 pm

    I was just thinking about the early part of my relationship with Ryan, when we would have playful “arguments” saying…

    “You’re awesome!”
    “No, YOU’RE awesome!”
    “No, YOU’RE awesome!”
    “No, YOU’RE awesome!”
    “No, YOU’RE awesome!”
    “No, YOU’RE awesome!”

    It was very positive at the beginning. That is the part I miss.

  268.  #268Daria on June 22, 2010 at 3:10 pm

    Shannon – Congratulations wiht your feeling message to ex! sounds like he’s gonna step up… now with that anger! hugs to the anger!!!

  269.  #269Daria on June 22, 2010 at 3:21 pm

    Shannon – what i meant was that, even tho you are feeling super anger trigger… you actually communicated sirenly AND got a result that feels good – that you wanted! (better than, no, f- you)

  270.  #270Daria on June 22, 2010 at 3:23 pm

    so i gave this guy my number right now online, i think i gave it to him before,

    and i felt a lil weird and clingy at the end,

    and i decided to experiment with writing

    Now hurry up and kall me! lol

    just kidding


    LOL – hella amusing myself

  271.  #271Siena on June 22, 2010 at 3:48 pm

    Jake and Vienna broke up!

    In other news, The Man just responded to my short feeling message email with a lonnnng email of his own. He used to be a man of very few words.

    Hmmm, I feel tight in my chest and in my throat. What is this feeling? Panic? After all this time of feeling serene, am I now feeling panicked and “off my game”?

    Deep breath. I am the air he needs to breathe. I am a Siren, and this is east for me.

    I’m SUPPOSED to have men fighting over me (not that it’s happening yet, hehe). This is good. Deep breath.

  272.  #272Siena on June 22, 2010 at 3:59 pm

    Under stress, go to wonder rather than fear.

    I wonder what his message is. Why now, when things are going swimmingly with #1CD? I’d like this to be a gentle message please. Thank you, I’m ready!

  273.  #273Siena on June 22, 2010 at 4:33 pm

    Sweetpea, re #257 – no worries, Siren! You go with your gut! It sounds like you clearly know what your feelings are with that guy, and honoring those is the best thing you can do!

  274.  #274Lucy on June 22, 2010 at 5:06 pm

    Siena, re: “I have given up on attracting anything BUT a man I really like and who really likes me”

    I don’t know how to do that. 🙁

  275.  #275Siena on June 22, 2010 at 5:13 pm

    Lucy, you don’t do, you just are.

    Just continue to be fully who you are, and continue to decide that you will attract a man who you will really like and who will really like you. And CD the ones who are sent to heal your wounds. And the guy will show up. He won’t be able to resist you.

    You know that song, “Magnet and Steel” by Walter Egan? Are you a “song” woman? That one gets me in the mood to believe that I can attract what I want.

    If your more “words” than “music”, google the lyrics.

    Be encouraged!!

  276.  #276Lucy on June 22, 2010 at 5:32 pm

    Thanks, Siena. I just feel defeated.

    I have been believing for awhile that I would attract a man who I really like and who really likes me — and with you-know-who I felt excited that maybe I was finally going to get what I wanted and be with a man who I really really liked instead of one who simply felt “safe” and “good.”

    Now I feel like I was just kidding myself to think I could have that.

    As far as CDing the ones who are sent to heal my wounds — too many men are “sent” via online sites for me to interact with ALL of them — so I wonder, do I just keep following my feelings about which ones to respond to . . . or do something different . . .

  277.  #277Siena on June 22, 2010 at 5:35 pm

    Oh Lucy, I totally know how it feels to feel defeated. But it’s JUST a feeling, and it will pass. And you CAN have what you want…

    Having tons of men contacting you is a great problem to have, “an embarrassment of riches”!

    With the ones that you respond to, how many turn into actual dates? (and yes, keep following your feelings always I say)

  278.  #278Lucy on June 22, 2010 at 5:46 pm

    I say “yes” to about one date per week. At first, last August, I was doing 2-3 per week, but it took too much energy and time away from other things.

    The last 3-4 weeks, though, I have felt so drained from my feelings around the TN man saga — so I only said yes to one date a few days ago and that was it.

    We’re leaving for vacation on Saturday. When we return, if all goes well, I will hopefully be meeting the Sculptor when he makes a trip to my area to bid on a project.

    I’m open to lining up more dates for when we return, but I don’t really feel interested at all in any of the others who are talking to me online and asking to meet me.

  279.  #279Lucy on June 22, 2010 at 5:58 pm

    I just got another “wink.” When I looked at his picture, my first thought was “Why do these guys all look the same?” I always have that heavy sigh as soon as I see their pics. Then I thought, No, they don’t REALLY all look the same . . . but um, they DO. What is it?

    Then it hit me — They all have a LIFELESS look in their eyes.

    There are very few exceptions — the Sculptor is one of them, and the hottie who didn’t write again ….

    I wonder what that’s about….

  280.  #280Lucy on June 22, 2010 at 6:04 pm

    Well, here’s a thought — Hottie is about two hours away, and Sculptor about four — but most of the other guys are from around here . . . Complacency County, USA.

  281.  #281dorothea on June 22, 2010 at 6:37 pm

    Do you live in the middle of nowhere?

  282.  #282Jennifer on June 22, 2010 at 7:34 pm

    I feel proud of me.
    I have a date with “military communicator guy” tomorrow.
    I feel good about meeting him halfway between my town and his. I feel that’s fair.
    He asked what I wanted to do. I leaned back and said it would feel good to have him make the plans.
    He said he couldn’t see much that was open in this town except timmies, how about a timmies and a walk? I started to google restaurants in the town. Then stopped.
    I emailed and said that felt good. I gave him my cell and said it would feel good to get a call saying when to show up at the timmies. He says he will call.
    I DID IT!!!
    I didn’t over function!!!!
    I didn’t plan!!!
    He stepped up and made a plan!!!!!!
    I let him lead!!!
    YEAH FOR MEE!!!!!
    I also think my judo instructor asked me to his house…kinda
    We were talking about how hot it was in the Dojo tonight. He says that he’s builing a training facility in his house and he knows it’s near my mom and dad’s.
    I wasn’t sure what to say so I smiled.
    If he wants me to come to his house…I would feel better having him just ask.

  283.  #283Simply Shannon on June 22, 2010 at 7:42 pm

    Jennifer: Wahoo! Yeah for stopping yourself and double yeah for the judo teacher! I saw that one coming WEEKS ago. 🙂

    Lucy, Ohhh. Circular dating on vacation! Can you say pool boy? As for the pictures, I have found that in general, boys’ profile pictures are not very good. Most guys don’t smile which I find to be weird. I honestly think they don’t give their pics much consideration.

  284.  #284Lucy on June 22, 2010 at 7:46 pm

    Hmmm, maybe they don’t, Shannon. Maybe I like men who DO give them consideration. . . ?

  285.  #285Simply Shannon on June 22, 2010 at 7:47 pm

    Daria: I feel surprised. You thought what I said was sirenly? It’s okay that I was angry, but said I feel frustrated and then I feel relieved (even though I was still feeling angry)? That’s not being un-authentic?

    And thank you for being encouraging. It does feel good to hear congratulations!

  286.  #286Simply Shannon on June 22, 2010 at 7:51 pm

    Or maybe as men, they “see” different things in their pictures than we do. I’m looking at their eyes, looking for personality. Do I think they are kind or dangerous, etc. And maybe boys are looking at their pecs or projecting their tough guy personna. Who knows.

    I fully admit that good pictures are important. I’ve turned down plenty of fellas because I didn’t like their pics.

  287.  #287Lucy on June 22, 2010 at 7:54 pm

    20 im’d me on pof again tonight. I had fun playing around with him, poor guy. He had fun, too, but he thinks he wants to meet me. He’s really cute (personality and looks) and a really good sport. Makes me wish I was younger!

    It feels pretty weird though when I think about how very young he is. Ew. I feel kinda grossed out by me.

  288.  #288Lucy on June 22, 2010 at 7:58 pm

    Shannon, maybe I like a man who knows what a woman is looking for in his pics and knows how to show that? It shows me he is in tune with what women want and need…..??

  289.  #289joan on June 22, 2010 at 8:00 pm

    @Lucy, re #284 — Maybe the pics are a clue to selecting the ones that have more potential ability to “step up”? If they won’t even lean forward enough to make a good first impression, then maybe the message is to just say, “Next!”

    *just me thinking out loud*

  290.  #290Lucy on June 22, 2010 at 8:04 pm

    That theory feels interesting, Joan. However, my personal experience has been that the two guys whose pics/profiles made the best first impression . . . did NOT step up. 🙁

    But I don’t know if that’s because of them or me.

  291.  #291Lucy on June 22, 2010 at 8:07 pm

    They’re probably just good at marketing themselves, and I fall for it.

  292.  #292Lucy on June 22, 2010 at 8:10 pm

    One of them was a marketing genius, after all.

    Actually, come to think of it, the other one — who I didn’t even get a chance to know at all — his job was listed as “multimedia.”

    Yup, media and marketing geniuses.


    Lucy, that is a very interesting realization.

  293.  #293joan on June 22, 2010 at 8:12 pm

    @Brenda — Mind if I try writing a feeling message?

    “Ryan, I feel frustrated. I’m taking better care of my health and I don’t want to cook or go out for food late at night. But, I would enjoy playing hostess once in a while and sharing a meal with you at my normal dinner time. What do you think?”

    How do you feel about that?

  294.  #294joan on June 22, 2010 at 8:15 pm

    @Lucy — Well, then, maybe I had to head down the wrong path for you to realize that I was reading the wrong map! 🙂

  295.  #295Sweetpea on June 22, 2010 at 9:08 pm

    SS – I’m with you. No pics are a no go for me. Not b/c I’m that hung up on looks but because I can tell a lot about a man from his eyes.

    Lucy – still thinking of getting out of complacency county?

  296.  #296joan on June 22, 2010 at 9:30 pm

    @Shannon – Just wanted to share this concept of “resentment” that I copied from a thread in the old EFT Forum. Unfortunately, the original EFT Forum is shut down, and I haven’t visited the new one yet, so I can’t give an active link to the entire thread (if they maintained the history, that is).

    = = = = = = = = = =
    Poster A: [R]esentment is just that – the universe re-sending our anger back, and back, and back to us again…. If I don’t pull it out by the roots, it keeps showing up in different guises. Re-sent.

    Poster B: Wow!!! I have never looked at resentment that way before. That if we don’t deal with our traumas that they get re-sent again and again.
    = = = = = = = = = =

    I keep this quote in a notepad document on my desktop for easy access. I go back to it a lot to remind myself to look deeper at what the “root(s)” might be. Some days, though, I don’t feel prepared to handle the “advanced course” and ask the Universe for the “remedial lesson”.

  297.  #297joan on June 22, 2010 at 9:54 pm

    @Sweetpea – re koolv – maybe the definition of soulmate is off. On one of his PBS specials years ago, I heard Wayne Dyer* say something to the effect that soulmates come into our lives to push our buttons and force us to grow. He emphasized the point by stating that he felt two of his daughters were each other’s soulmates (the look and tone he gave implied “lots of growing”).

    Certainly, if you are that concerned, don’t go against your intuition regarding meeting the guy, but is there some growing he’s “forcing” in you?

    *Although this particular idea (hubby/pushing buttons/soulmate?) stuck with me, I don’t necessarily concede to all Dyer’s theories. After all, in his first book, he made the statement, “a clerk is a jerk”, which is far short of his current “enlightened” philosophy, and as far as I know, he’s never made any public amends to clerks en masse.

  298.  #298Mystyk on June 22, 2010 at 10:01 pm

    About no pics. It can go either way for me. Sometimes it is nice to just read the profile and imagine, and then (hopefully) be pleasantly surprised when they send one.

    Some guys just don’t like to have their photo online – just like I didn’t at first either.

    There are so many things to consider with the combinations of: photo, profile and first contact. I would rather no photo, excellent profile and nice email than a fab photo.

    My LI didn’t have a photo on his profile, I had read his profile, and he sent me a message with photos attached in his, “I noticed you looked at my profile” message. That worked just fine. I had an eyes only photo and sent several full face photos to him when I responded. We have been dating coming up on one year now.

    I am doing the CD thing. Working through a lot of feelings around —- gah, just about everything. But it does get easier with time. I am learning so much about myself – more than I thought possible. Yeah me!

  299.  #299Ankita on June 23, 2010 at 12:49 am

    hello Sirens

    I feel so happy..Vishal called me… And we talked a lot….!!

    I feel stuck too… I feel afraid of my happiness… He is my ex’s junior… I never told him about my past… I just told him we were casual net pals….

    I don’t have enough courage to tell him that I was his senior’s gf once, and that he did rape me too, on occasions…. I feel afraid I will lose him…

    I feel guilty of my happiness…

    It’s evident to Vishal that I like him… We flirt too…. We aren’t dating yet, but he knows clearly I like him and has even hinted on it….

    Mimi Tanner always says that tell as less as possible about your past….
    But I feel afraid as to what will happen if someday he gets to know it from his senior? Though it’s really less likely, but I feel afraid…

    To be frank and honest, I always tried to stay away from him, but I found that the more I try to ignore him, the more we come close..
    * When I sent him request for add, I had also gone after 12 hours to withdraw it, but by then, he had already accepted it…
    * I once commented on his photos, and again I went to withdraw it, but by then, he had seen and replied to it…

    He was the one who asked for my number… (He talks to other girls too)….

    I try to run away from him, but I feel like he has tied a rope in my waist, which doesn’t allows me to go too far from him, as after the extended limit, I am back to him with a clash and smash, together….., just like a rubber band…. I don’t understand…. IS UNIVERSE SENDING ME SOME MESSAGE THROUGH THIS “RUN AND BACK” SITUATION????

    I feel happy to talk to him… I feel I like him….
    But I feel afraid about my past..
    I feel bad about my past, it wasn’t my fault, I was really a innocent girl, who my ex’s fooled…. Then why should I be deprived of happiness? What’s my fault? Is my virginity everything to him? Who am I as a PERSON doesn’t matters to him? I feel stuck… & I also feel angry….
    I make the wish sometimes that it would have been really good if my ex never came in my life, but then, just coz of that experience I am a changed person now… I learnt some really good lessons of life, but it did cost me my virginity…

  300.  #300Ankita on June 23, 2010 at 12:50 am


    I feel like a stupid too.. Vishal did push my buttons, and hence I told out what I want in guys…. And most of the things did match with him… yuck….

    I don’t wanna let him think that am hinting at him… Coz I am not doing that… These qualities are what I truly want in guys, and it’s a mere co-incidence that he has 8 out of 10 in him….

    I also did tell him that having a fairytale kind of love story is what I want, and that my parents wanna marry me before I turn 30… I hope it didn’t scare him, coz I was being completely authentic….. And tried my best to express my desire without any neediness…..

  301.  #301Ankita on June 23, 2010 at 1:03 am

    RE # 290

    Lucy, i agree with you…. Remember I wrote about a 30 something guy in another thread, well, I gave him my number…. He did call once for about 5-6 minutes as he had to go for lunch, and that was it…. He asked me if he can call me in the evening, and I said that I am gonna go out with friends, and will inform him when I get back.. I did… And he didn’t call after that…. He the texted me a sms quote someday, but I didn’t reply…And HE HAD A REALLY REALLY NICE PROFILE & PICTURE as well…

  302.  #302Ankita on June 23, 2010 at 1:10 am

    SS, Sweetpea

    About the no-photo thing, I agree with you…! No photo- I don’t reply… I have rejected many of them coz i didn’t like their pics too….

    No pics, thumbs down from me…
    After all, I always wonder, what if I say yes to a date with him, then at the venue I am standing in front of a bald middle aged man, having a teeth or two missing, being 5 inches shorter than me, and saying, “So glad to meet you, baby..! I think we’ll make a nice pair, only if you wish..”, and I am standing there with my eyes wide open, and looking for a way to escape….

    Yucckkkk…!!! That’s the worst scenario I can imagine…!!

  303.  #303Jennifer on June 23, 2010 at 6:17 am

    I’m on the fence with the photo thing. A great profile I will respond to with a request for a photo. Pictures of them with thier cars turns me off. Pictures of them posted with thier (or any) children turns me off.
    Ya know what I like? Pics with pets, doing activites, professionally done shots. These things say good things to me about the dude in the photos. Especially funny ones.
    Judo instructor has a pic on his facebook account (yes I creeped him…whatever) of him next to a tv with a Wii Charachter on in. They look a little similar, so it’s funny.
    Military communications guy I’m going out with tonight has a pic of him at universal studios with one of those dressed up charachters. Funny!

  304.  #304Jennifer on June 23, 2010 at 6:27 am

    I just sent an icebreaker to a cool looking guy on eharmony. He’s a scientist. He likes museums and art galleries. He lists his grandmother as the most influential person in his life. … ME TOO!!!
    Cool Beans.

  305.  #305Brenda on June 23, 2010 at 7:58 am

    Joan, RE: #293 – You said a feeling message, “Ryan, I feel frustrated. I’m taking better care of my health and I don’t want to cook or go out for food late at night. But, I would enjoy playing hostess once in a while and sharing a meal with you at my normal dinner time. What do you think?”

    PERFECT!! And it’s xactly the way I feel! Thank you!

  306.  #306EternalOptimist on June 23, 2010 at 8:01 am

    Good Morning Sirens,

    I don’t post often but read daily.
    I appreciate all your stories, I feel very enlightened.

    Siena, I feel encouraged by your recent turn of events. I really enjoy happy stories!

    To everyone, please I need advise if you have any idea what this could be about.

    I’ve been dating my #1 CD for about 4 months. I believe he’s 100% into me. He has said he’s not dating anyone else (he didn’t ask me and I said nothing. I CD a little mainly cos I only have one other) and that all his social life is planned around me. We see each other once or twice every weekend for several hours. He has never invited me to his house. He lives alone (at least that’s what he says). We talk daily till late at night. I live with kids but he’s been to mine while the kids were away. We live 15 or 20mins from each other but we always meet at an agreed upon meeting point for all our dates for 4 months! Being a siren and leaning back, I have not asked to visit but it feels weird to me. In my pre-siren life, I would have invited myself after dating for a month or so but I recall my being “too pushy” was one of the issues I had in my last relationship which ended badly. I was also the one who invited myself to me ex’s house for the 1st time and I recall he was not quite ready at the time but I figured since he’d been to mine 3x, I had the right to see his. Well, we know how that ended.
    This time, I’m leaning back. However, I’ve dropped hints, like asking if he lived alone and this last weekend I was irritable when I arrived at the meeting point and I said “I feel like I’m having an affair and sneaking around” He asked “how so?” I said cos I keep coming here, park my car and get into yours, I think that’s what married people having affairs do. His response “I see we’re complaining now”. I’ve not had any reason to suspect that he’s being deceptive in any other respect, I just don’t understand this. Otherwise, he steps up in every other way and has asked me to meet his family but I said I wasn’t ready. We kiss, sometimes passionately, that’s as far as we’ve gone.

    What do you think ladies?
    Thanks in advance for your wise input.

  307.  #307Jilly on June 23, 2010 at 9:17 am

    EternalOptimist….I feel icky about this. You were expressing your feelings about the situation and he came back with
    “I see we’re complaining now” ugggh!!! I feel bad…I feel unheard…I feel mad (I’m learning these from Daria 😉 I feel turned off by this… I feel that if he were really stepping up he would offer a solution and make an effort to make you feel better about it….
    I feel four months is a long time to never go to someone’s house if he’s 100% into you. This feels “off” to me…
    There’s a difference between being “pushy” and having boundaries…I don’t feel that you’re being pushy
    what do you think?

  308.  #308Sweetpea on June 23, 2010 at 9:19 am

    Joan – re: koolv – the only thing I can think of that he’s forcing me to learn is to establish boundaries & stick to them. He says all the right things… He just creeps me.

    I was tempted to meet him after the last email, but if there’s something I need to learn from him other than boundaries, I’m asking the Universe to send me another messenger. Because it’s his eyes that creep me out – & my stomach turns when I think of meeting him.

    Thank you for your feedback. I know the theory is that when we don’t work through something we’re meant to learn in a past life we come back with that person again. I don’t know that I consider that a “soulmate” but I assume that’s what he is referring to. I’m not sure that I believe in soulmate in the traditional sense of the word either, but I don’t think he’s mine if there is such a thing.

    Blech! No! I just can’t meet him! I’m brave & doing a lot of things I never thought I would, but I feel like meeting him would be putting myself in danger.

  309.  #309Brenda on June 23, 2010 at 9:31 am

    Eternal Optimist,

    I would feel the same way about not being invited to his house. How about something like this:

    It feels weird that I have never been to your house. I would really like to see where you live. What do you think?

  310.  #310dorothea on June 23, 2010 at 10:27 am

    Sweetpea, I think I read in another thread somewhere that you live in CO? Wooo go sexy rocky mountain sirens!!!

  311.  #311Sweetpea on June 23, 2010 at 12:23 pm

    Dorothea – Yes I am! I think I asked before if you are in CO but I don’t remember getting a reply. I’m assuming you are – so yes! GO SEXY ROCKY MOUNTAIN SIRENS!!! lol!

  312.  #312dorothea on June 23, 2010 at 12:26 pm

    Yeah I’m a Denver Chick

  313.  #313Lucy on June 23, 2010 at 6:28 pm

    Anyone remember the guy, D, that I dated for several months, had sex with a few times, he “fell in love” and I didn’t, and I finally ended things telling him I feel confused….? Then a couple days ago I wrote on here that I kinda miss him and wished I had said “let’s be friends”…?

    Well, what do you all think about me initiating contact with him to tell him I miss his company and would like to be friends?

    I definitely don’t want any more than friendship with him, so it’s not like I would mess anything up with him by “leaning forward.”

    Is there any good reason NOT to contact him about it?


  314.  #314EternalOptimist on June 23, 2010 at 6:43 pm

    Jilly and Brenda,
    Thanks for your input. I am now convinced my feelings are valid. I’ll wait a little longer before deciding if I want to bring it up. For now, I’ll lean further back and observe how things unfold.

  315.  #315Brenda on June 24, 2010 at 12:48 pm


    Go for it! Why not?

  316.  #316TW on June 24, 2010 at 1:04 pm

    have a question. My boyfriend and I broke up on Monday and it was somewhat a mutual thing. Long story short, we spent all of our time together the first few months and then due to kids and work he put me on the back burner and I constantly brought it up which made him distance himself even more. Well on Monday I text him and asked him did he feel that we needed to end the relationship and he said yes. After this, he was texting me funny stuff liek he never said a thing like breaking up to me. Then he came over and we had the usual break up sex so I thought and he said does this mean that you are going to start seeing and sleeping with other men because I do not want you to. I was like you do not want to be with me anymore so how can you still claim me and he said he never told me that he did not want me he said that he just said that he could not give me the time and energy that I deserved. Well after that I asked him did we just have break up sex and he said no. I said what was that then and he did not respond. I sent one last text asking him something and then he did nto respond but I have not sent anything or called since that. He siad that he is not looking to be with anyone else but the thing is we just broke up and it was sinking in to me but what do I need to do in an effort to mend things. Things had gotten distant between us but we were not fighting and stuff like that but he seems unsure as to what he wants so I stopped contacting him and just decided to leave him alone. This all happened while I was off work on Monday and Tuesday and then he asked me why was I taking days off now and my birthday was not until August. It was like he wanted me to see that he remembered my birthday and stuff. Then he asked me was I going to move now that I had my degree. I have never discussed moving out of town so I was like why are you asking me that. It was like he was trying to see if I was making plans without him. I was mentally like we just broke up an hour ago. Are you really asking me this? It was like he wanted me to control the conversation and say no I do not want to break up or something but I did not say anything. I have not made any contact with him whatsoever and do not plan to but I do want to reconcile the relationship though. I know the first step is circular dating and I am working on that.

  317.  #317Brenda on June 28, 2010 at 10:55 am


    I think his reaction is xactly the psychological effect that makes circular dating and leaning back so powerful…the goal is to shift your inner vibe so you up your degree of difficulty and value.

    But in breaking up with him, you were saying, “I am not willing to accept the status quo. Either you step up and start lavishing me with time, attention, and respect, or I’m out the door!”

    He responded by realizing, “Hey, wait! My woman isn’t going to keep letting me push her to the side! Hey, I better step up or I’m gonna lose her!”

    You transitioned to being the resistor, leaning back, and he responded almost instantly with leaning in, as he’s supposed to do! Congratulations!

    Yes, CDing will continue your healthy vibe. Nope, he doesn’t get to keep you all to himself if he keeps making you second class. You go first class all the way!

    So don’t try to mend it or reconcile…that’s HIS job. He’s the one who let the relationship slide into ho-hum-ville. Keep your schedule full, and if he calls to get together, you can legitimately say, “Oh, it would feel so good to be with you, but I’m booked till Wednesday!” Let him work for it. Don’t be too quick to fall back into the same rut of noncommittal.

    Pick up new hobbies and activities. Go places!

    Now, let me put my own words into practice! LOL! I’m getting there!

  318.  #318TW on June 28, 2010 at 10:59 am


    Thanks for the response. I have been leaning back and he has not called or text or anything in a week so with that being said I am okay with it because I have not been initiating contact either which I must say that I am very proud of because I am normally the one that gets the ball rolling and he probably expects that from me anyway and that is more than likely the reason for him not calling. I mean really… Be a man about it you know. He chose to leave the relationship when I asked him what he wanted to do and in response to his reply I simply said okay and left it at that.

  319.  #319Lorelei on June 28, 2010 at 12:07 pm

    Dear Sirens

    It’s been a few weeks since I’ve been on here as have been away, with husband, on vacation. I came back feeling like the survivor of a shipwreck. I came back feeling like I cannot, I mean cannot, have another trip like that with him, that has left me feeling so awful.

    There is a long-standing problem with me feeling overly criticised by him. It’s not all the time, but it has been present all the time we’ve been together, on and off, and it seems worse now. A lot of it is over small, ridiculous things – but I feel attacked rather than just criticised, corrected as if there is something wrong with my perceptions and social behaviour (most people would say I’m fairly presentable . . ).

    For two days after we got home, I felt distraught, in despair and absolutely desparate just to feel in less pain. I feel that he doesn’t even like me, that I’m deeply unacceptable to him because he corrects so many tiny things (sometimes ‘big’ things).

    One stupid example, is that waiting in line to board the aircraft, with a one-piece hand-luggage restriction, he insisted that I place a bottle of water I was carrying into my on-board bag, in case an official thought I was breaking the rule by carrying 2 items on board (the bottle and the bag). This was and is nuts!!! I know this. But at the time I complied, because if I resist, he will call me stubborn and wilful.

    Later I said I felt corrected, controlled, and humiliated. He admits he’s quite ‘judgemental,’ but says I am over-reacting, that I hang on to hurt too long.

    During the vacation, I had to go out by myself to museums and galleries – he didn’t want to come – just to feel normal, but for several days I felt so bad that I couldn’t even get Rori’s goddess tool to help me feel better. Normally, I can do some tools and get my self-esteem back up and running.

    Sorry – it’s going to be a long one, but I have to write it out. I know you’re all probably thinking why don’t I just leave? Well, after getting home, we had several conversations. I try to stick to context and the feeling story, but I think I’m ruining it by saying too much. I had to give him examples. I have a horrible feeling that being more open about my feelings invites more criticism. He said he feels manipulated – eg. when I say I feel hurt and disconnected. At one point, he said, “I cannot live with someone who is so over-sensitive they need to live in a cocoon.” He also said that when I say I feel utterly desperate and in despair, he feels all the burden is on him to change, that that maybe something has broken and cannot be fixed.

    After all this, the only way I could stop crying was to tell myself, “I could end this, I could leave.”

    But two wierd things have now happened.

    1: On Saturday, I wanted to see a girlfriend by myself, but was so afraid that he would think I would talk about the situation with her, that I invited him along as well. And now we’re back into acting ‘normal’ – meals together, I’m doing his washing. .

    I feel shamed, humiliated, afraid and very sad. But I don’t know how to act now that I am thinking that the marriage could end. Do I carry on with feeling messages, smile, practice the tools on him? I am doing this in a limited way – easy things like the dinner tastes good, I love how the sunlight feels. I am too scared to be really open about my fear, shame and humiliation with him. Several times in the last week, he has criticised me for not standing up for myself when I disagree with him. Here is the double bind – if I say nothing back, I feel shamed, disrespected etc. If I do say something back, then he says I am resistant, wilful, proud and stubborn, and unable to hear helpful criticism, which will improve me.

    2: The second weird thing is this: since our last heavy conversation (yes, I know, I should keep it short and sweet, and not try to explain to him how this affects me so badly) he has been behaving differently – really trying to be helpful, not to criticise etc. And I feel that if I do clearly decide that this marriage has to end, he will then claim that he’d been trying really hard. I cannot stand more of his criticism. I said this.
    But it has stopped, for the moment. He’s gone nice.

    And having clearly said to myself, I have to leave, now I would feel worse if I do. It would be easier if the criticism never stopped.

    I feel confused. And so guilty for wanting to leave, or for it to end. Trouble is, I can’t just walk out – my workspace is within the house. And he supports me financially. So I can’t do anything quickly. But I do have to be away from home for 3 nights a week for the next 9 weeks. So there will be breather time away.

    Sorry, sorry this is so long. I wish I trusted my feelings more. This doesn’t feel like love, does it? All my life I have been told I am over-sensitive, and that means I half believe him when he says I over-react. But maybe I have to say to myself that if I am over-sensitive, then this relationship isn’t the one for me.

    Does Rori say anything anywhere about how to act when unavoidably still in the same house as someone like this? I just wish I could start again, knowing what I now know from Rori. I feel so broken, and such a failure. And a complete shit, now that he is ‘trying’ to act better. I”m also afraid that people won’t want to know me, if we split up, that I will be utterly alone. Which is bizarre. But it’s the truth of how I feel.

  320.  #320Lorelei on June 28, 2010 at 1:44 pm

    I do feel a bit calmer having expressed all of that. I suppose I am no longer sure that I want to stay and mend this. And yet feel guilty for not being utterly committed to mending it anymore- I mean leaning back and doing tools in order to have it mended. Feeling guilty for not-overfunctioning! Well I love my guilt. On a positive note, I have been taking walks by myself, and have been C-D-ing with dog walkers. And had a few really nice smiles and hellos.

  321.  #321Simply Shannon on June 28, 2010 at 2:14 pm

    Lorelei: You have a great opportunity to practice with your husband every single day. I would use the tools as much as possible. Either they will work with him or they will give you lots of practice for the boys you’ll meet when you leave him. I feel excited to hear about the shifts you are already seeing. I would feel happy for you to keep doing what you’re doing. Share yourself with him (good and bad). What do you have to lose at this point? Forget this garbage that you’re over sensitive. That’s hogwash. Just like you said, that’s a part of how you are. Love it or leave it. The main thing to do is to not bring “drama”. You can have all sorts of feelings but not blame him. That’s the cool part of feeling messages. They are all about you.

    It feels difficult to think that anyone could start all over again, but you can… with your marriage or with new relationship. Keep learning. Fall in love with you and the men will follow.

    And one suggestion… is it possible to look at your man with fresh eyes. Look at him as a new woman would look at him. He’s bumbling along just like you are. Yes he makes mistakes (the over critical bit would have me angry too). I’m not excusing him or his behavior (I don’t know the background). As someone who is now divorced, I wish I could have seen my ex differently and tried things differently in my marriage. I don’t know that it would have saved my marriage but now i see him differently. No regrets here, but different perspective now.

  322.  #322Lizzie on June 28, 2010 at 2:31 pm

    lorelei – how you describe your situation feels like bullying. It triggers feeling small and insignificant and soooo un-loved. I feel so sad. And I was already feeling sad and exhausted today. Feeling powerless is an awful feeling – and I know this feeling well.

    Here are some simple ideas for you –
    – find ways to work on your own self esteem; feeling powerless and demoralized is erosionary – it grows in negative ways. Take the time to identify all the wonderful things about you that you really love about you. Keep in mind that what you see as a strength will be seen by others as strengths as well. They become weaknesses when they are used in the wrong place; wrong time; for the wrong purpose. Focus on those strengths and honour them – use them practice them
    – when you are away on your 3-night stints you can do some goal setting. I came up with this method when I was in the throws of the most horrific divorce (post traumatic stress issues here for me and my two children) and it has proved to be one of the most powerful goals setting processes I have ever done and it sounds so simple: think of all the roles you play in your life (mom, professional, wife, friend….); make each role a page. Then on that page, answer these questions:
    What do I want my (mom) life to feel like?
    What do I want my (mom) life to be like?
    What do I want my (mom) life to sound like?
    – I suppose you could do other senses, but I found these three questions to be right for me. I was so enlighten by this experience of thinking what I wanted something to feel like – and having found this site and Rori’s tools, feeling messages resonate well with me. Just keep going. So this is what it became for me:

    I want my home to feel like: warm, welcoming, happy, a safe place for me to feel grounded, safe, free, expressive, honorable, my kids are safe, my kids feel love, my kids feel belonging, a place where others feel warm, welcome and a safe place. Everyone feels respected, valued, important, worthy, at peace, cared for, can care for others without reproach, where we can try things on and see how they fit, we can express our happiness, sadness, fear, and know that we love each other, listen deeply to each other, we are safe…. and keep on going.

    Then, looking at the list – see the core themes – feeling safe and valued and loved stand out so I can talk about that with others – almost like a personal values statement.

    Then, I needed to look at what I needed to “do” to begin to create that environment for the three of us to thrive. I had to get rid of the stuff that pulled us away from feeling safe first. Now to create the context for safety for you – we were not safe before; my kids are PST and RAD with defiant-violent tendencies – gees I know about bullies! Anyway…. getting this far was the most critical first set of steps.

    Then, the process of alignment needed to begin. Easier said than done (but now 6 years later, my kids are terrific teens!). Feeling messages are incredibly powerful and I didn’t even realize I was carving a pathway to opening my heart to express myself this way:

    Getting feedback that is not requested, feels like criticism to me and that feels awful – it makes me feel small, useless and like a complete shit. I don’t like feeling distrustful of the people I love so much. What do you think we can do about that?

    Living in a home where people are mean to each other feels so awful like I want to puke. I really want to live in a place where I feel safe. What can we do about that?

    It is ok to say you hate me, that tells me there is a lot of strong feelings trapped in your body and these feelings need to come out- these feelings need to come out in a way that doesn’t hurt you, or me, or your friends, or your brother. Respect is important. We need to find a way to empty out all the bad feelings trapped in your body – what do you think?

    Rest assured – this is difficult! What I can say, is practicing feeling messages, setting your goals of what you want your life to feel and be like, will make a big difference. And the support you will find on this site as well. I would not have made such amazing progress without it. I hope this is helpful for you.

  323.  #323Lorelei on June 29, 2010 at 12:08 am

    Simply Shannon- thank you. Before we went away on vacation, I was at the point of “what do I have to lose?” about keeping on with the feeling messages. But finding that they sometimes made things worse – one way or another I am then criticised for feeling the way I do – made me close up more. But you’re right – I could use the practice, and I want to get the practice in ready for if I leave him. Shutting down more now, at this point, isn’t going to help me be more goddessy. But I am terrified of the feeling messages producing more hurt. Or maybe they would just give me more clarity about what is going on in this relationship.

    Lizzie – thank you too for your response. Hope you feel less sad and exhausted today – you’re response makes me feel less alone. And I’m going to put your ideas into practice. I do a lot of writing things down, I find it really helps.

    I want to come and live on Siren Island. Feeling as sad as I do is so disabling and weakening. I struggle also with how much to say to other people – friends, colleagues etc, who are starting to notice how upset/down I look. I just can’t always hide it anyway. I burst in tears on someone, unintentionally, the other day. Fortunately she was a safe person, and able to keep confidences. And offered a listening ear if I need. But I’m not ready for this to become the the talk of the town – some people do feed off the drama of such a situation -and gossip etc – ” have you heard – their marriage is on the rock blah, blah”. So today’s question for you lovely Sirens is this:

    I want to practice authenticity and openness and feeling messages all the time. I want to practice opening my heart. It’s taken 50 years to realise this is the way forward but better late than never. So how to I do this with my current feelings, without revealing more about my ‘will I/won’t I leave him?’ situation than I want to, to people who I know will leak the situation out?

  324.  #324Lorelei on June 29, 2010 at 12:50 am

    Now spamming this thread, but after a burst of private anger towards critical husband who is out at work now, I’ve done the first of Lizzie’s suggestions. (Husband is also sad and subdued at the moment, but if I start feeling sorry for him, which I normally would, and guilty that he is unhappy, I will become apologetic and overfunctioning.)

    So, there are good and wonderful things about me, like these:

    I am able to create beauty, as an artist.

    I am able to create meaning, for myself and others.

    I am able to create poetry.

    I am able to teach, creatively and inspiringly.

    I can cook delicious and creative food.

    I am able to arrange a room to have inviting energy.

    I am able to dress with flair.

    I can be playful and fun.

    I am able to listen.

    I am able to drive well.

    I feel music and dance in my body.

    I am able to feel and welcome my emotions.

    I am able to breathe.

    I am able to arrange flowers, so they bring joy.

    Even though my antennae seem a bit damaged at the moment, I usually have quite good intuition.

    I am able to keep confidences and be a loyal friend.

    I am able to go on trying.

    I am able to give (whoah – well, learning not to do this all the time).

    I am learning to receive and respond, softly.

    I am able to become a goddess.

    I am able to be loved.

    I am able to use words very creatively and expressively.

    I am able to let my tears flow, like now!

    I am able to encourage people.

    I am able to become kinder and more compassionate to myself.

    I am able to love.

    I have learnt how to enjoy the swirling soup of my emotions.

    I can look after myself my doing visualisations and meditations.

    I am a fantastic auntie to my little nieces.

    I am able to become the lotus flower growing from and even rooted in the shit.

    I am able to learn.

    I am insatiably curious about new things, ideas, people.

    I am very sensitive!!!

    I am able to change and grow. And so are we all.

  325.  #325tinque on June 29, 2010 at 7:02 am

    Lorelei – “So how to I do this with my current feelings, without revealing more about my ‘will I/won’t I leave him?’”

    It’s simple really. If someone asks you what’s wrong, why you look down so much of the time, you can tell them you’ve been processing recently, and it feels draining or it feels painful or difficult. If they press you for more information, you can tell them you don’t feel comfortable talking about it. You feel better working out this part of your journey in your own way, whichever way that is.
    But please do share with whomever feels safe to you. It’s a wonderful release and a way to make sense of things for you.

  326.  #326Lorelei on June 29, 2010 at 11:52 am

    Hi Tinque – thank you for your thoughts and great suggestions. Which I feel able to put into practice.

  327.  #327Brenda on June 29, 2010 at 2:00 pm


    You said, “But at the time I complied, because if I resist, he will call me stubborn and wilful.”

    So what?! I know you are at your limit of pain, but the more I read from you, the more I see this relationship NEEDS a climax…crash & burn…let the sh*t hit the fan…let the chips fall where they may…

    I would have said, “No, thanks. This is the way I like to do it.”

    He is controlling and managing you to be that f*cking petty! And he would have started yelling or whatever he does. He is critical cuz you let him get away with being critical. His behavior is SO much like my Dad’s was!

    I would have said, “I don’t feel loved right now.” while he was in the middle of ranting and raving. I would just put on your thick skin and just confront him left and right until you walk out. Your self-esteem doesn’t need that kind of treatment. Maybe I’m wrong, but that stuff makes me angry.

  328.  #328Brenda on June 29, 2010 at 2:04 pm


    You said, “Sorry – it’s going to be a long one, but I have to write it out. I know you’re all probably thinking why don’t I just leave?”

    Spam away! We’re not here to criticize and control you. We are here to support you.

    Another way to handle it, probably better than confronting him (that might have been my old self!) is to just keep doing what you’re doing (carrying the bottle, or take a big satisfying slurp out of it, smacking your lips, and smile, while ignoring him! LOL!) or, if the situation permits, just walk out.

    I know it’s sad to go to places alone while you’re on vacation when you wish you could be reconnecting. But this is an ideal situation for dating yourself…flirt with every man you pass, and do YOU!

  329.  #329Brenda on June 29, 2010 at 2:12 pm


    I can tell he has taken a toll on your self-esteem. You are putting yourself down, questioning yourself, half feeling guilty, and it is because his constant criticism and pain have eroded your confidence. This in itself shows it’s an emotionally abusive relationship.

    We want to see you in a relationship that encourages you to be all you can be! While you are still in the house, I would just keep right on going with your feeling messages, and if that is too vulnerable, then just maybe “I want…”; “I don’t want…”; “I like…”; “I don’t like…” statements. All in all, these statements, including feeling messages, are setting YOUR healthy boundaries in a very healthy way.

    So when you ask if you should keep using them even tho they are getting negative results, I think so, I think what you are finding is he doesn’t like it that you are setting healthy boundaries for yourself. You are creating a vacuum, and he is trying to suck you back into it. If he is trying to be a better husband, great, the tools are working. But only you and time know if the relationship is too far gone.

    But don’t stop setting healthy boundaries. Don’t stop protecting yourself.

  330.  #330Brenda on June 29, 2010 at 2:15 pm


    Proverbs says, “Better a dry crust on the roof of a house than a mansion with feasting, and strife.”

    I understand it’s hard to leave in your financial situation. But maybe you can find a middle ground or a helpful friend or organization that can give you a creative solution. Just don’t stay in a destructive relationship 25 years like my mother did, okay? She never did recover, and she has a horrible self-esteem even tho she’s my favorite person in the world!

  331.  #331Lorelei on June 30, 2010 at 1:05 am

    Dear Brenda

    Thanks again, thanks loads and loads, for your thoughts and comments. I veer around between beating myself up – how could I have let all this happen, and how could I let it go on for so long? – and a healthier anger that I think will get me out of this – I feel like a rocket preparing for take off. It might take me a while, but I think it’s coming. I feel worried about what other people will think of me (not on here) – people won’t believe me that it’s so bad, will think I’m exaggerating, or they will think less of me for staying so long. But I recognise that this worry is part of the whole situation, and is an exaggeration and not the whole truth. Maybe not even any of the truth.

    By the way, I noticed in another of your posts that it hurts you when Kenny takes the Lord’s name in vain. I remembered that I did this in one of my posts – I hardly ever do this, in fact, just a measure of how despairing I felt at that moment. I’m sorry if I offended you – or anyone else.

  332.  #332Jeannette on July 1, 2010 at 2:46 pm

    So Brenda…what do you charge by the hour LOL!! I guess from now on I will wait for MR. Shy Guy to kiss me first. Might take a while!!! He’s coming over tonight! I’ll update you later!

  333.  #333isobel on August 14, 2010 at 9:41 am

    i’m doing the commitment blueprint program right now and generally really like everything that rori has to say.

    i started two days ago and really liked what i heard about what not to do and what to stop doing. in fact, a lot of what rori says reminds me of how i DO generally act and feel around men, and in general, i do feel coveted and adored – but all this behavior seems much more out of reach with the man i am currently interested in – and the difference in my own behavior seems to come from the fact that i DON’T really care about those other men, so i don’t have any agenda for our relationship… but no matter how much they ‘step up’ i am still not interested – even if i appreciate what they bring to my life and love them for it. i guess what i am looking for is to be treated in the way these men i am not interested in treat me by a man i AM interested in 🙂

    i had a harder time with what i learned, or heard, yesterday and after having an argument – or rather a conversation that ended in a way i did not like – with this guy, am quite confused about the steps i am supposed to be following, or taking.

    on one hand, it seems like i am supposed to step back, or retreat, if there is a situation i don’t like and allow him to come toward me, at which point i am supposed to welcome him and be inviting and share my feelings without attacking. at the same time, i am not supposed to be ‘pretending’. but what if my feelings when he does come toward me are negative feelings of anger or disappointment or confusion? if i choose to only share the good feelings that are much less predominant and feel fake to conjure up in the moment, isn’t that pretending? i feel like that relationship starts to feel very superficial and fake, and it pulls me further away.

    i know how to behave in a way that pulls him closer… but this does not always leave me feeling that i have the connection that i want, or need – and i don’t know how to resolve that conflict.

    any thoughts?

  334.  #334Rori Raye on August 15, 2010 at 11:30 am

    isobel – it’s like learning to dance – right now you’re focusing on the steps…the way IN is to start focusing on your FEELINGS…Commitment Blueprint is very, very clear on all that and the Tools lead you through it…you have to do the Tools there …the whole Bridging Tool is enormous…really go with it, listen or watch the program over and over and over – do the Dance Position – all of it – 24/7 with every single human being…use the Feeling Messages to speak and share your feelings no matter WHAT they are – THAT’S the PRACTICE that will make the difference. This is not about strategy or conjuring – this is about practicing sharing your feeling state at all times – which, when you learn how to do it, automatically eliminates the stuff I have you stop doing in the 4 Rules…You are always feeling many things at the same time – you are feeling happy that he came toward you, and angry that he didn’t before. Go with expressing the best feeling feelings that are true…and don’t STUFF, NOT sasy, the ones that are less good – “I was feeling really angry…and I’m still feeling angry, and I also feel so good,…my skin feels so good right now when you touch me…ahhhh…” Does that fell okay to you? Love, Rori

  335.  #335Brenda on August 15, 2010 at 12:03 pm


    Sorry, I missed your return post to this a while back. Don’t know if you will see this, but in response I will say it doesn’t matter a bit what people think. All that matters is what you, God, and your loved ones think of you.

    Thanks for the comment on taking God’s name in vain. I feel no offense. I feel offended with Kenny because he knows it offends me and he does it just to upset me when he is angry at me.

    I hope you are doing all right.

  336.  #336Brenda on August 15, 2010 at 12:06 pm

    Jeannette, RE: #332 – Thanks for the kudos!

    I like to be supportive, and it also helps me solidify Rori’s concepts in my mind when I write stuff out.

    How is it going with shy guy?

  337.  #337Sandy on August 26, 2010 at 9:54 am

    Hi everyone. I have never used a Blog site before so I am a newbie at this. I just left my boyfriend of 14 years in March and it has been tough. He was very mentally and verbally abusive through most of the relationship. I stayed with him thinking I could change him or he would at some point change. After reading some of the posts I realize that was a mistake on my part. We live in different states now and I think of him often. He does email me from time to time asking me if I have a new boyfriend yet? Any advice from you ladies? I would buy some of Rori’s materials but I am still looking for work and have no secured employment yet. Thanks for all of your blogs that I have been reading.

  338.  #338Rori Raye on August 26, 2010 at 12:45 pm

    Sandy, Welcome – and the help you need is in Circular Dating – when you can, get my ebook and then Targeting Mr. Right…meantime – read all you can here, and we’ll all help you…Love, Rori