Strategies DO NOT WORK With Men

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puzzleHere’s a comment from Alicia that I thought was important for us to work with…

“Rori, I just found your program and have not yet received your Modern Siren however I did read the Have the Relationship You Want Book. Anyway. I have been seeing a guy since July we were going along great and then he stopped trying as much in early September. This man is 100% worth my time and all I ever dreamed of. I see some of my errors and am working on fixing them as of yesterday. We talk or text daily, seems if we call each other but I call a 65% off the time and he 45%, I will stop that now.

He switched when he was going through a emotional crises with work, he owns multiple business and has high stress. He says he cares for me, just has been overworked and stressed. He says I am perfect, a ten of a ten. I have gone there and wrote emotional letters and asked all the wrong things, poured my heart out,because he said something that sounded like he had reserves about my intentions with him. But at the same time some of it seemed to a least get us going out on lunch dates again a few weeks ago.

He knew I was dating around some but I made the mistake in telling him he captured me like no other and other men are spinning wheels trying to get close to me. I said I still talk to great men that pursue me because he had not asked for anything different. But in my heart he has taken hold.

In the first two months he pursued me fiercely, we talked non stop. I want that back.

How do I get him to stop texting and start calling? We text lots from the start but that depth has changed. I thought of saying in the next text, “Thank you for your text, I want to express to you I feel like texts are impersonal and I don’t want to communicate with you like this the majority of the time.” The texting is like half way communicating, but I’m still grateful out of his busy day he stop in to say HI, I’m torn. How is that and is it okay to say in a text. Then breath let go and wait for his call.

Sometimes when he calls should I play a little hard to get from time to time? Not pick up, wait for a few hours to call back? I did skim you Have the Relationship You Want on Sunday morning, texted him and asked him if he could give me advise. He texted back immediately and said I think so what’s up? I cried out of fear of what I was about to say. I called him 45 min later and after the small talk I beat around the bush and took a deep breath and said I FEEL LONELY, especially when me kids are at their dads. ( I got divorced last year) I said I had out grown many of my friends that go out and I would not compromise on where I go and what I do, so I stay at home.

What do you think I should do? He said he knew exactly what I felt, identified with me and said he always started making projects and to do list to keep busy, then when kids come back you feel good cause that’s off your plate. I listen and the tears started rolling, I tried not to let him know but I think he did. Then he said his phone was about to die and he would call back later. I said okay and thank you. Later he did text announcing his sons after school care was closing in one week. I text WOW, Interesting and I sorry to hear that. He did not call back last night but I am sure he will text today.  (I did read the whole Have The Relationship You Want, last night)

Is that what I should text back? Should I show strength and contentment when he calls back like I did not notice he didn’t call. OH and I don’t want to be the lunch date girl. He said last week, ” I need to make time and take you out at night” Should I say next time he asks me out to lunch, Thank you but I would rather wait, let you use that time to get other things done. I don’t want to just see you at lunch? Or what?

Thank you for all the help you have giving me thus far I feel there is hope and inspiration already! Alicia”

Here’s my answer:

The short answer is to really practice the Tools in Have The Relationship You Want, get Targeting Mr. Right to learn exactly how to Circular Date,  Modern Siren to learn how to use your emotions to get you what you want, and Reconnect Your Relationship to give you essential Tools to understand why what you’re doing is not working and how to change that instantly. And the long answer is everything we’re doing here – which is practicing the Tools – each of us, in our own way, in our own time…and watching and feeling the process and experiencing what happens when we try new things.

The fact that you’re talking about strategy and games and “playing” anything tells me you’re on the wrong track.

I know you’ve likely discovered this, but you can’t “skim” the ebook (or even just “read” it) – because it’s a “workbook.”  You have to actually DO the Tools.  It’s practicing, just like learning a new language or an instrument.

When you start this process – the first “read-thru” of the book, or the first “listen” or “watch” of one of my programs is to help you understand what you need to stop doing and start doing, and the fact that you called this man immediately tells me you didn’t “get” the main message.  So – Please – go back to the book.

Read it from cover to cover (which you’ve done now), and then DO the Tools. Every chapter – about Listening, Overfunctioning, the Sensual Meditation, the Four Rules – and Feeling Messages – is a CRUCIAL, BASIC Tool you need to master in order to turn things around quickly.  I know you will get the help you need here and in the programs…there’s space to write, exact instructions on doing and practicing…and know that these Tools are only meant to be done in short bits – (5 to 15 seconds at a time, most of them) – so it’s not like a meditative “sitting practice.”   It’s not something you do “alone” or in a certain state of mind, or something you “set aside time for.”

The Tools are meant to be done in the spur of the moment – taking whatever you feel and however you are and whatever’s going on and USING it to turn your life around – baby-step by baby-step.  Some are as easy as touching an object.  Or stamping the floor with your foot.

They’re meant to be done out in the world – in the presence of a man.  They’re meant to take you past your old patterns without shaking up your system or causing you to feel resistance or get your defenses up.  The Tools will TAKE DOWN your defenses, little by little, so you become even MORE of who you already are, and learn to express that gorgeous siren you truly are.

The Tools are meant to uncover the beauty of who you are from all the gook we women have learned to coat ourselves with – all the pretending and pretense and bad feelings for ourselves.

It’s like a…cleanse.  But in little bits and pieces that sort of free you up from the tension and distress of being taught our whole lives to THINK our way through a romantic relationship.

If I can put it all into one short statement…I would say that, after teaching you the why, the what and the how of  it – all my Tools are to help you practice FEELING your way through life. To receive from men rather than to give to them. And to be and experience who you are in the world instead of thinking about and pretending to be who you want to be. We are all imperfect, and that’s what makes us each so uniquely beautiful and amazing.

Before you can figure out what to “say” to a man – you have to know what you Feel.

You have to know what you Don’t Want.

You have to choose words based on what you feel, and what the TRUTH is, otherwise, you’re just pretending, and that will not work.

If you are Circular Dating…why would you make a big deal about lunch?  There would be other men to take you out to dinner!  Instead of trying to goose him along…you want him to feel COMPELLED to CHASE you…and you can’t do that by strategizing.

The moment a man “gets” (and they’re much swifter about this than we think) – that we’re “into him,” he loses attraction for us.

Let me know how practicing the Tools in the ebook change things for you…and then we can all pull your question apart and put it back together using Tools at every turn…This is a fantastic comment to work with, because it hits so many of the important parts.

You can’t change your life until you understand what you need to change.

And then you can’t change what you know you need to change without PRACTICING change.

So, here we are, practicing…and I’m practicing right along with you, and love all the sharing about how it works for each of us.

…Love, Rori


  1.  #1nikita on November 16, 2009 at 5:07 pm

    Ok…………I feel triggered……….Sirens, please help me out here………Mercedes? are you out there? Anyone else?

    First, I love this post….but……

    “The moment a man “gets” (and they’re much swifter about this than we think) – that we’re “into him,” he loses attraction for us.”

    Uh, so if a guy tells me he loves me…and it feels true………………..and eventually I feel the same……..

    I can’t EVER tell him I love him too? ever? if he’s not my husband or something?

    I feel so disconnected from this sentence, I don’t understand how I can get engaged without love-mutual love………and if he and I love eachother…..doesn’t that imply; “I’m into him”?



    I feel perplexed and puzzled…confused face

  2.  #2tinque on November 16, 2009 at 5:19 pm

    I can’t speak for Rori, but I’m guessing she’s referring to a budding relationship, Nikita.
    When two people are firmly bonded whether through a good marriage or in deep commitment, this can and should shift.
    I still believe the man needs to row most of the time, but there is nothing wrong, it’s actually preferable, for a woman to express her loving feelings too. Not every moment, not even every day. I feel the meaning gets lost if, “I love you,” voiced a lot. I say it when I feel moved to do so. K’s whole face lights up every time I do. He’s not very verbal either, so when he days it to me spontaneously, it means that much more, yet he tells me every day with his actions.
    I will also ask for it every now and then if I “need a fix”, and we are solid enough together that he loves to oblige. It’s never an imposition.
    So I understand your confusion.
    In the early stages of a relationship saying things like, “I feel so good being here with you,” or “It feels so good lying here in your arms. I feel safe.” and so on. I would also suggest allowing him to say it first. Be wary though of men who are too quick with these words. They carry too much meaning to be tossed around carelessly as they often are.
    I hope this helps.

  3.  #3Nikita on November 16, 2009 at 5:44 pm


    thank-you…for me, ………well, I am the Ice Queen…..that’s what drew me to Rori…..I was quite the Rockstar once…..but still….so many of my sweeties….and/or exes tell me; ” I just never thought you liked me that much”
    “I never know what you’re feeling”…..or be totally surprised at how much I was feeling….”
    or…….my fave…is when they’d cry……I know-I know……..and say…”why can’t you be nice to me?” or something… “you don’t even love me”… don’t give a fuck about me”……….

    I have had some lovely relationships…..but those were with people who were my friends foe years……well…I ran through all of them.. LOL 😉 so, starting from scratch-with a guy I’ve never known is different…….how can I stay open and let my guard down around strangers………..

    anyone else 😉


  4.  #4Kaitlyn on November 16, 2009 at 5:48 pm

    I just started dating again after an entire year of staying away from men all because when I did start getting into relationships, they all seemed like a strategy. So, then I said screw it and gave up. I’m back now. Circular dating, circular…

  5.  #5Daria on November 16, 2009 at 5:53 pm

    I think Rori means Into him like more into him than into US.

  6.  #6Tina on November 16, 2009 at 5:53 pm

    “The moment a man “gets” (and they’re much swifter about this than we think) – that we’re “into him,” he loses attraction for us.”

    Whether he “gets” that I am into him or not, I am keeping my “profile” up. “goosing him along” feels like a funny statement to me, if anyone is going to be goosed it will by me to me, I’ll just goose myself along, move, move, move girlfriend 🙂

  7.  #7Kaitlyn on November 16, 2009 at 5:54 pm

    I’m the Ice Queen too, girl. Very independent and non-jealous, but I secretly strategize. Arrrghhhh…

  8.  #8Tina on November 16, 2009 at 5:55 pm

    My dignity and self respect is my life, my “strength” .

  9.  #9Tina on November 16, 2009 at 5:58 pm

    It’s what I hold near and dear to my heart/feelings, I’ve never had this but I know it’s there, I can FEEL it 🙂

  10.  #10tinque on November 16, 2009 at 6:27 pm

    “how can I stay open and let my guard down around strangers
    it’s not easy…at first, but as you, bit by bit it feels less scary. I have to be conscious of all of it, such as in “forcing” myself to relax, check into all the places I hold. I breathe, lower and lower, and I imagine my heart relaxing and opening. It may not every time, and that’s okay.

  11.  #11Nikita on November 16, 2009 at 7:30 pm

    Daria !

    Thank-you, that CLICKED for me 🙂

    I don’t feel Ice Queeny now….I read Rori’s book 2 years ago…….and got my ex right back 😉

    and then…… long frog 😉


    but….I felt so good being soft that he actually saw me cry!!! amazing! ……..he came and hugged me and said..”aw ,honey I had no idea you cared so much”…..then……he really opened up and got protective and supportive…..then I moved in with him….yikes! really stopped my dating…. 🙁 but helped me in other ways…….so I learned a TON.

    He loves me 😉 oh well, moving right along to my proposal!!!!! yayy!!!!!

    and……proposal guy totally respects that a girl who wants marriage will keep dating……yes he used the word “respect”……he’s ok with it …….I can tell he doesn’t LOVE it…but he “gets” it….. sigh- he’s so smart!

  12.  #12Nikita on November 16, 2009 at 7:37 pm


    BTW I did EFT on “fear of intimacy” …..girl,…..HUGE shift…

    I actually notice the difference in me the last 4 days….I mean there has been some intense stuff…but I feel much more comfortable with my feelings and people around me soften up….I don’t scurry away when people get really emotional…I can tell they feel safer with me and fall into my arms…..and I let them stay as long as they need instead of “fixing” or saying, “c’mon-don’t fall apart on me now, man up!” I just open up and stay present….I could hardly believe it!!!! I feel stronger…..but I’m a pink silk feather pillow…..and yet so durable…so resilient….

    gosh…….the wonder of it all.

  13.  #13Callista on November 16, 2009 at 7:58 pm

    I had a weird situation once… I had been in an exclusive relationship (pre-Rori) for only just over 2 months, when he asked me via email: “Do you think you love me?” I had no idea how to respond. I didn’t want to hurt his feelings (he is Mr. Sensitive!) but I really wasn’t there yet. What do you do when a guy doesn’t tell you he loves you, yet wants to know if you love him? He ended up being a needy energy man who wants someone to take care of him, so for me this will be a red flag in the future.

  14.  #14gina on November 16, 2009 at 8:24 pm

    That line was super triggering for me too (about being into a guy)

    I feel tempted to strategize about Mr.Johnny, who I haven’t seen and have barely heard from over the last couple of weeks. I got an email that said he is struggling with symptoms of depression on the daily now, and he feels he is scraping at the bottom not only for jobs but for self motivation. I don’t know what to do with this information. I have been rereading Rori’s articles about what to do with depressed men and men in difficult situations. I’ve been dating other people, and I’ve been doing pretty well at leaning back, doing nothing till he contacts me, but I definitely have indulged in a few moments of deep thought about whether to blame him for sleeping with me and then disappearing. I wish he would tell me what he’s doing. Especially since we had sex for the first time last time i saw him. He did say that he likes me but he feels bad dating me and that he hasn’t felt like a man since he lost his job. So I guess i get the message, but somehow I wish he had been more explicit about what I could expect from his behavior. I told him that I was hesitant about having sex – that I wanted to wait for the “real deal.” and he said “what’s not real about this?” which felt good enough in the moment, but now I wish that our conversation had been more clear. I feel uncertain about what I learned, i.e. how could I have communicated in a way that could have prevented this feeling of being in the dark? And I feel uncertain of what kind of conversation I want to have if/when we see each other again. I feel unsure about what conditions I need in order to feel comfortable having sex with him.

    I’ve been dating other men. so far, several very nice frogs. But there have been moments when these “frogs” have stepped up, and those moments feel MUCH better than some sad emails from Johnny, which is interesting to experience.

  15.  #15gina on November 16, 2009 at 8:40 pm

    I want to be PURSUED!!!! and I want a man who is a PROVIDER. My roommate and i were talking about the men we know, and we were being pretty judgmental about what kind of “providers” they would be if we were living in the wild. we laughed about a frog that she was dating who we imagine would come home really excited about a squirrel. And we talked about a guy she fell hard for, who would bring NOTHING home, but he would talk about what great hunters all his relatives are. And we talked about how johnny probably wouldn’t come home unless he had some big beautiful animal to offer up. And I would be home with vegetable soup SO FRUSTRATED. I would miss his company. And I imagine that he would see that I miss his company, so he would come home and I would see how sad and disappointed he was, so I’d try to suck it up while he goes out on his mission. But then I’d wish that he would just bring back a squirrel. or a bird. SOMETHING. I imagine that I would be just FURIOUS and find some other man who I could count on.

    Is there truth to this, or is this destructive judgment??

  16.  #16Mary Ann on November 16, 2009 at 8:53 pm

    “The moment a man “gets” (and they’re much swifter about this than we think) – that we’re “into him,” he loses attraction for us.”

    I think I always knew this part, but I would play it cool and be aloof which probably just came off weird or he could feel my un-authenticity.

    I changed one little thing on my dating profile…I wrote at the end “it would feel great to get an email from you” and now out of nowhere…I am getting emails from men I would actually like to talk to and possibly meet!

    So the saga of the 2 men… J came to see a friend’s band with me…he asked what I was doing and I told him and it felt rude not to add he was welcome to come…he did ask B if he wanted to come and he declined so we had one on one time. He did put his arm around me for a moment but no other moves. I am going to try Nikita’s “move maker” tool on both of them tomorrow and see what happens 🙂 hehe 😉

  17.  #17Daria on November 16, 2009 at 8:53 pm

    Gina I like that imagining. My mom and I tallked about hunter gatherer society we are reading in national geographic. i said i would like living like that, she said really sleeping in a hut>? i said yes that especially (it is actually a dream of mine) and now i realize that i didnt clam up or get scared and just told her and i feeel accepted. nice.

    i feel tired.

  18.  #18Daria on November 16, 2009 at 8:54 pm

    Rori what do you think of Nikita’s move maker tool?

    also what do you think of giving a man “that flirty sexy eye”? is that flirty or lean forward, or…

  19.  #19Linda on November 16, 2009 at 8:59 pm

    Strategy, there is No strategy. There is only feeling. Knowing what I feel and letting myself feel it. Admitting what I feel and then acting on it. Saying what I need to say, doing what I need to do so that I can BE.

    Authenticity is the hard fought for and then fiercely defended gift that I give to myself first and then to others.

    I feel liberated from boy energy and strategy. I was locked up in it. Always trying to figure out what to do, what to say how to say it….I was getting no where and had no peace within…. When I started paying attention to how I feel (good, bad, happy, sad, engaged, indifferent, cold, numb etc etc) everything has changed.

    Staying in touch with what I feel and acting on them will be my guide. The tools give me the way to express them.

    I was supposed to meet someone I was very attracted to tonite. It became very late and I sent a text asking if everything was ok?…. no response, later I tried to call, no answer. I was TRIGGERED. dejavu… He finally called told me his story.. said he was going to have to reschedule, had a flat and his spare was not really road worthy.. He said he would make it up to me. blah blah blah. I have sorted through my feelings about it. He could have had all the problems. My issue is not that I did not meet him tonight but that he did not call me to alert me of what was going on in a timely manner. I felt unimportant. After all I have been through… I just wont tolerate stuff like this. The gift I give myself is making sure that I am made a priority. The gift I give him is telling him so. He rescheduled for tomorrow. If the meeting happens then I will make sure that I express what is important to me.

    I have really dont care if I meet him or not, I dont feel his real intentions toward me line up. He said he did not know what he is doing wrong or what was wrong with him (in regards to women, relationships). Uhhh HELLO! I could clue him in. I bet ya he does not meet me tomorrow, I dont want to make him do the time for the other mens crimes… but!… he will have to measure up to what I need and want. If not NO THANKS and Happy Trails to you, ex bull rider.


  20.  #20Daria on November 16, 2009 at 8:59 pm

    oh my brother said he got on Plenty of Fish and met a girl, and “everyones getting on there’ hehe… now I feel like I may be found by some sexy men there soon…

  21.  #21gina on November 16, 2009 at 9:55 pm

    I have always felt very defensive about letting a man know I like him cause I believed that he would lose interest if he knows that he’s already “got” me. I guess that’s what leaning back is about -so that the man always has somewhere to go in order to reach us: we aren’t leaning forward with open arms (or legs). that’s what my visual is for the whole being “into” him thang, it’s okay to like a man, but if he isn’t around, I’m not gonna be there reaching out to him, my attention will be elsewhere.

  22.  #22Rori Raye on November 16, 2009 at 10:08 pm

    Yes, Tinque has it right…and Daria, too – Until a man has DEMONSTRATED that he’s “into you” – demonstrating that you’re “into him” is an attraction buster. In all cases, your love must be in RESPONSE to HIS love, stated, implied, shown, through words, touch, any of the 5 Love Languages, any way you feel it. It’s the waterwheel. Your love goes BACK to him. It flows back. You are the source of love for you, and your man gets the overflow. The man waters you with love 24/7. That’s his job. Love, Rori

  23.  #23Daria on November 16, 2009 at 11:30 pm

    Oh i get it a lil bit… so that means giving him the flirty eye might be a bit too much when he hasnt been giving me flirty eyes… cuz personally…


    not cuz flirty eye in itself is leaning forward. I could flirty eye men im not attracted to all day and it would nto be leanign forward… but it would be with ones im attracted to taht aren’t Demonstarting interest…

    the thing is, I feel concerned that I’m actually out of fear going overboard to NOT show interest in men im attracted to…

    like quickly looking away when he’s looking at me or small shutting downs…

  24.  #24Daria on November 16, 2009 at 11:31 pm

    so if he particularly and carefully hands something to me… hmm and i feel thrilled… and then i hand it back to him… but he didnt have to pay attention to me and hand it to me… umm

    i feel so good at that tiny thing and thinking about it and melting

  25.  #25Daria on November 16, 2009 at 11:34 pm

    i WANT him to say wait I like you girl, whats your number, I want to call you!

    I feel disappointed that did not happen.

    I’ve seen him like 3 times and thought he was handsome… this time I actually talked to him.

    I told him i did NOT like eminem whom he liked. hehe. he said oh yeah?


    it felt good. I felt respected. I felt like a subtle feeling of attraction.

  26.  #26Daria on November 16, 2009 at 11:36 pm

    Then I’m guessing Nikita’s imagining being touched would be ok since its not demonstrating… its more like imagining being the pie aha.

    while my eyeing him with SEX throwing itself out my eye might be too much, or not, depending on how i’m feeling about that, like I could just be opening up and revealing my turned oness… leaning back, or i could be wanting him to respond, leaning forward….


    fine its ok i can do it. I allow myself to give them sexual looks.

    I want to do it and it be lean back cool yes i want to i got it. thas wassup.

    I wish i could wink but alas i don’t know how to close only one eye at a time, i’ve been trying since i was 5.

  27.  #27Daria on November 16, 2009 at 11:39 pm

    What about my friend, who looks men kinda up and down, and slooows down her movements and looks sexual… when she sees a man …. especially one she feels attracted to?

    is that overfunctioning


    now THAT’s overfunctioning

  28.  #28Nikita on November 16, 2009 at 11:41 pm

    Be my sweet real authentic gorgeous self…..and let the pieces fall where they may…….

  29.  #29Nikita on November 17, 2009 at 12:15 am

    so, this is the story…one story 😉

    red lipstick-wearing off boy/man…..asks me on another date….he picks me up…..i bring crackers…he provides wine and cheese…..we sit down(i insisted i needed elegant cheese) he obliges……we chat….i let him talk…as i nibble, i listen…i smile…..i nod my head….i feel his masculinity….i feel turned on by his masculinity…..i feel good….he picked me up…..he knew how to open the bottle….very talented with a corkscrew ;)…….he pours my wine…..he slices cheese and serves it to me on my crackers……i am loving how he serves me……i listen……then i respond……i wonder if there are other ways he can serve me…..he’s put in the work…..he’s respected my boundaries…..he’s gentle……and patient….he listens……he pours more wine…….slices more cheese….my nipples start screaming for attention………my vajajay gets curious………i feel tuned…..he talks…..i nod…..i smile….my mind wanders to his hands…..what do they feel like on my body?……they do very well with that corkscrew……i feel him….his “boy”,,,,,his desire to hear me…..but i grow quiet…..he talks more….i see him ravishing me………worshiping the feminine essence of me……..i feel appreciated……….i imagine him finding out….i’m not wearing a bra………i feel accessible………i envision myself upstairs………on his couch………his hands in my shirt…..hoping i let him remove my shirt…..finding out the terrain of my physique………i wonder…..i wonder…i nod…..i listen……i try to stay tuned…..i nod my head as i see his mouth on my breasts….nibbling on me instead of the cracker…….i nod …..and smile…..i smile…..i feel telepathic……..his hands are pushing up my sweater……he has no idea….as i nod and smile……….he invites me back upstairs to get my umbrella……i feel like…….yes……when i get there i feel calm….i feel open…..i feel comfortable,….trusting…….i arrive….he asks if i’d like something to drink…..i choose….he prepares it..he talks more……i stay receptive… my mind i am leaning back on his couch……his hands all over my breasts….we toast…he talks…..i listen…..feeling his hands…..he speaks with his hands…….then he takes my shoes off……i express i feel embarassed -i didn’t get a pedicure…..he says….it’s ok….i want you to relax……i said my piece……..i let him lead….i nod and smile…….he’s good at this……..we go to his room …….i don’t know why……. ;)………maybe he kisses me?……..then…….his hands are up my shirt….and the one thing I’ve been expressing in my imagination….he discovers,…there is no bra………my shirt is off…and he’s all over my breasts…..alas success…..and my message was sent……..lots of heavy petting…….I stayed the night………. NO SEX…..i felt good when i woke up…i felt innocent and yet totally satisfied………i felt……adored…..cherished….i felt like a buffet….feasted on..and divine….

    and that is my move-maker tool. twice he asked if i wanted to have sex,…first i said no in a soft voice in between kisses…….second time….i said i’m sorry i can’t……both times he said-ok ok-as if he was embarassed for asking…and we kept kissing and he kept removing my garments……….

    i promised a man sexual exclusivity-i kept my promise………but i still got my needs met…and my breasts were screaming for masculine hands to glide all over them…we are very pleased…….. very 😉

    xxx nikita

  30.  #30Tina on November 17, 2009 at 1:03 am

    Daria the five second look as sexy as it gets for me lol, I could be totally wrong, I may be just oozing sexiness out of my pores,like the pie tool dunno. I try to stay focused in my vagjayjay, I feel it hehe, I feel around for feelings, If i am looking at him for five seconds or trying to maintain eye contact while he is talking, I listen at level 2 then back to level 1 feeling my feelings in my pelvis, He was driving and looked at me three times, smiling and couldnt quite “read” what I was doing or feeling. He was driving of course and had to keep his eyes and hands on the wheel, but he sensed something,I smiled back, we never talked about it. The same one who drove me home from class, he called back and asked if I wanted to go out again for coffee, I said sure.

    He is already starting to talk about “other people” hehe, oh I cant wait for him to bring it up for discussion, all he said was l like to continue dating you, he said yes I am on a dating site, I may talk to other women but I am really interested in getting to know you and he offered to pay for my divorce , I said no thank you, that is mine and my ex’s responsiblity and he will take care of it but I do appreciate his offer, he said well its still there , the offer. My ex messaged me this morning about him “thinking” of filing next week, blah ok just do it already.

  31.  #31Rori Raye on November 17, 2009 at 1:04 am

    What a lovely sequence of comments my creative, sexy, sensual goddess siren friends….slooowing down movements is a wonderful thing. Definitely the reverse of Overfunctioning. Sounds more like experiencing to me…very nice feeling about it. Very honest…but then you know her, and know the intention, the impetus, what’s going on behind all that. Love, Rori

  32.  #32Tina on November 17, 2009 at 1:07 am

    I never discussed my profile situation because it’s not coming down. I already gave him the “speech” about dating other men and I will. The hitchhiker said oh is this your “boyfriend” I smiled and said no, were friends.

  33.  #33Daria on November 17, 2009 at 1:41 am

    Thanks Rori. There is so much more I’d like to know about this. About flirting with men I find attractive,

    my friend definitely overfunctions in driving to guys and she likes guys for casual sex but at the same time she does have her goddess stuff like a beautiful body and her flirting that i mentioned.

    Tina I forgot about teh 5 second look well gosh i bet a man could figure i’m attractive if i lock eyes with him for 5 seconds,

    but even in those 5 seconds i could be giving him like I am eating a cherry from my ice cream sexual looks or innocent oh i just am looking at you innocently like im bambi look

    sooo i dono im still confused about this one

    oh the man i went out with today he was gentlemanly but he’s overweight and usually i like skinny men, except for my ex who is not skinny….

    and well now hes like texted me about 4 times and hit me up 6 times on messenger, asked me for a date in december and to be his date on new years

    im feeling turned off by all the attention, i know im supposed to receive but im feeling scared and weird and overwhelmed cuz i dont feel attracted to him that much right now and i feel afraid i will feel bad letting him know how i feel and i dont like it

  34.  #34Daria on November 17, 2009 at 1:44 am

    my friend also does this touching a man’s chest and hair, brushing it slowly as she walks by and looking back at him in the eye she is VERY blatant about flirting and being Very sexual look like

    so i feel confused i dono what to think about that

    on one hand id like to do that on another hand i feel like OH MY GOSH shes like throwing herself at men, but she seems to not care about it and

    she gets the men she likes this way, and who might not normally think she would like them, cuz she doesnt look like shes into the kind of men shes into…

    so she gets their attention by making it CLEAR she feels attracted through her body language, touching and eye contact

    please can you help me more with this if you think it would be useful thank you…

  35.  #35Daria on November 17, 2009 at 2:39 am

    omgosh. I just reread a couple pages out of Rori’s book. the part where she talks about choices vs control. I feel so much stronger!

    I have choices. Choices to receive this guy’s attention, or to say no thank you it doesnt feel good.

    and maybe what i feel is afraid. I feel afraid to get so many texts and messages in a day… afraid of hurting him, of being turned off, of him turning against me if i dont reciprocate his feelings and all that

    but the main thing is i actaully feel afraid…

    its ok to feel my feelings yeah

    and also

    i remembered the Mama Gena Fluff…

    “Have your way with the men in your life… its the best thing you can do for them”

    so i realized well i CAN give that man a sexy look, that’s me having my way with him, its all good, i have choices…
    men desire me, i can have what i want… yeah!

    so what if i give him a sexy look… thats not invested… its still open to him to do something about it, I can give a million men sexy looks if i want to yeah, for practice

    oh and i guess i have some kind of fear of a guy attacking me (has happened frequently verbally) if im not “feeling him” so therefore I feel afraid when i’m not feeling a guy to tell him

    but i could tell this guy… im feeling flattered that you want to talk to me, but im feeling a lil scared by the attention…

    or about attraction

    im not feeling sexually attracted to you right now, and actually i feel scared telling you this, but i do enjoy my time with you and would be open to spending more time with you and seeing whatsup… what do you think?


    if i see a sexy man i can have my way with him by looking at him or drawing my finger across his chest too…. just like my friend does…


    shoot i can do it again with the next man 2 minutes later…

    or is taht leaning forward… no… thats just me feeling goddessy and having my way with men… touching them if i want to… looking at them sexually if i feel sexually attracted yeah

    that does count as having my way

    what about if theyre not particularly searching me out with their eyes… SHOULD I HOLD EYE CONTACT…

    sure why not! I can have my way with men HA…

    i dont’ have to look down demurely and hope theyre attracted enough to fight thru my shyness to get to me… (my current behavior)

  36.  #36Daria on November 17, 2009 at 2:54 am

    I’m still feeling like I’d like to be validated on this flirting thing. meanwhile i will maybe experiment with the “having my way with men” by giving them sexual looks.

    Rori did say that taking our shirts off and laying on the couch with a man is lean back, so i was practicing that lol on the webcam, just randomly saying hmm i can take my shirt off just for kicks lol

    ive also been asking them if they have big papi thangs that is if i feel comfortable asking

    i DO NOT feel comfortable asking this new guy who is texting me a lot i feel shoulder clenching thinking about it… if i were to ask him well i THINK he would think im interested in having sex and (so???) that would feel weird i already feel WEIRD AND UNCOMFORTABLE

    i TOLD HIM though today that i started feeling uncomfortable when he was holding my hand. I felt ok with him holding me by the shoulders tho. Then he said i shouldve pushed it away … well i did but he grabbed it again… i feel afraid cuz i dont feel comfortable and i feel like my parents would judge me for dating an overweight man (so???) and I feel guilty about that cuz i was thinking people might judge me and i feel guilty and I feel guilty and i feel guilty and i feel guilty… and i feel guilty i feel SCARED… i feel get me outta here… i feel like oh time to go time to go i feel scared

  37.  #37Daria on November 17, 2009 at 2:56 am

    I’m feeling glad I “escaped” from being kissed by him I feel glad I “escaped” the end of the date i was feeling uncomfortable but that was only the last 30 seconds most of the date felt very nice and i felt feminine and safe

  38.  #38Daria on November 17, 2009 at 2:56 am

    what is the MESSAGE?

    i have a lot of practice hehe and some kinda trauma trigger about tellling guys i dont find them attractive FEAR

  39.  #39Daria on November 17, 2009 at 3:02 am

    oh MESSAGE 2 !

    Men have been coming to me! and yes the quality is going up! IT WAS ROCK BOTTOM!

    it started with a couple men getting a ride to meet me,

    then a couple ‘nice’ men taking me on horrible dates where THEY DID NOT WANT TO TAKE ME HOME

    then a few men that met me one time but havent followed up and took me to lunch

    and now this guy who IS following up and is part of the lunch crew…

    so slowly but surely its happening its happening

    oooh lala i feel teary eyed thinking of the qulity going UP!!!

  40.  #40Daria on November 17, 2009 at 3:03 am

    does a lil dance and goes to be wanna go to bed earlier, just jumped out of bed to do some posting lol

  41.  #41Daria on November 17, 2009 at 3:10 am


    but important

    I have choices. And men are ALWAYS giving to me, even when I don’t think they are.

    that means: my “ex” is Giving to me! even if he’s not calling me or whatever that means He’s GIVING ME energy nonetheless… the chance to find someone else, work on myself.,. whatever… he’s STILL giving to me

    and that means that I can feel warm and open if he WAS to show up it’d be natural, he’s been GIVING TO ME THIS WHOLE TIME

    shoot he GAVE ME the chance to FIND AND LOVE MYSELF

    i feel teary

  42.  #42Jennifer on November 17, 2009 at 4:57 am

    I’m kinda triggered by this post. and the one before about blame.
    I just left B after 6 years. He has lied to me for a year about his financials and never thougth to come clean until I confronted him about it. He admitted it. Then I confronted him about his locked laptop ( we have had trouble in the past about him collecting HUGE caches of porn and hiding it from me. Despite my opinion that if we share it, it’s not a big deal) He was also at one time still on the dating sites. I told him I needed to see what was on the laptop or we would have to break up. I felt I couldn’t trust him,
    Yes, that’s an ultimatum I know…and very ungoddess like. But there you have it. Now we are done and my heart hurts. I feel so empty inside and scared. I had spent the last 6 years imagining out life together and now that’s all gone. I feel devastated. I feel alone. I feel a deep ache right over my heart chackra (sp?) I feel tight in my throat.

  43.  #43Tracy on November 17, 2009 at 5:45 am

    I feel so happy for you…Yes to quality men showing up in our lives…
    I love to believe that every relationship i have had in the past was to lead me to loving myself even more….that the men and my family and friends help me discover more about who i really i am…i feel resonance with this…
    I feel great today…i feel i can be and do anything and it feels great to feel good….
    I feel ready to receive quality men in my circle.I feel progress in my vibe and i love that i smile and i am happy alot of the time…i feel happy..

  44.  #44Tracy on November 17, 2009 at 5:50 am

    sending you big hugs…
    I can resonate with the feeling of wasted years in a relationship and for me it was more of one relationship after another…
    Whenever these fears come up,of worrying about how much little time i have or hoow much i have spent with my past relationship i always try to take my past as great lessons with love that have led me to where i am…and i love where i am because that’s where i need to be to get to where i want to go…

  45.  #45Nikita on November 17, 2009 at 6:57 am


    I have coffee 😉

    I feel good about letting a man pay for my divorce….provide and protect….. as long as I’m honest about what it means to him…..”thx, but I’m still dating until…….”……we all know ……until… 😉

    Yes Please!

  46.  #46Kaitlyn on November 17, 2009 at 8:14 am

    My online dating profile has been up for a few days now. I’m using Rori’s tools and leaning way back. They come to me. Then I respond. But why are men, after a few exchanges on the site with me, asking for my email? Why graduate to email instead of just asking to meet?

  47.  #47Nikita on November 17, 2009 at 8:22 am

    probably because so many women have walls up….and they’re trying to respect boundaries….my experience is men complaining that the women never meet… it offers a real contact in case one of you leaves the site

  48.  #48Kaitlyn on November 17, 2009 at 8:43 am

    Nikita, that’s good to know. For a minute, I felt defensive when he wrote that. Now I’ve added this disclaimer to my profile. Hahaha.

    “Yes, this is a current photo. I take good care of myself. I’m here to actually meet you. In person! I’m not a serial dating, but meeting would be nice. Not into having a pen pal or text buddy vs. a real, live guy! Epic.”

  49.  #49Kaitlyn on November 17, 2009 at 8:44 am

    opps. gotta edit that to serial dater. typo.

  50.  #50Kaitlyn on November 17, 2009 at 8:57 am

    I gave him my email address. Jesus ki-riiiiist, now he is asking if I have a myspace or facebook and more pics. I’m trying to find a nice way of telling him NO, YOU WILL NOT GET TO KNOW ME ELECTRONICALLY; you need to actually man up and ask me out for coffee and ask me questions about my likes/dislike THEN AND THERE. See? I’m already in strategy mode. Is that his fault or mine?

  51.  #51Mercedes on November 17, 2009 at 9:43 am

    Nikita: I wasn’t online when you posted your question, but I must say, I agree 100% with Tinque, Daria and Rori. When you respond with love, it feeds the love…when you initiate the love (or even suggest it with the “where is this relationship going?” talk, attraction drops to a low, low point.

    Callista: I was asked that question once in email too. I felt like I was falling into a trap. He didn’t use the word “think”, but he said “Are you falling in love with me?” My response was “Do you ask because you are falling in love with ME? If so, we need to talk, not email. If not, then I’m curious why you ask.” He said something along the lines of just checking to see where I’m at and I refused to email further about it. We ended up talking about it again much later, but I hated that he was fishing for my feelings (without telling me how HE was feeling) and especially that he was doing it via email. He tried it a couple of times when he was drunk too. I hate that stuff!

    Daria: Your friend who flirts blatantly sounds like a rockstar to me. Maybe that’s why she can do it (lean as forward as she wants) and get great results. She doesn’t care about the outcome because she’s a rockstar. That’s something difficult for most of us to pull off. LOL

  52.  #52Nikita on November 17, 2009 at 9:53 am


    sounds like your feeling was on-intuition,

    I’d ask him “do you have a plan?”……I feel uncomfortable with the direction this is going….extensive electronic/virtual relationships…TURN ME OFF…what do you think 😉

  53.  #53Nikita on November 17, 2009 at 9:57 am


    thanks….. I never ask where things are going….what does that matter?…I know where I’m going 😉 LOL!

    Ok- so, I guess I feel less triggered now….. even my responses are hesitant! But I feel good about “returning affections at the level they were received” yay 🙂

  54.  #54Nikita on November 17, 2009 at 10:00 am

    Oh Kaitlyn,

    p.s. I have a “dummy” e-mail I give out…my name isn’t real…but I tend to get the guy’s name when he sends a message……I am all….”cloak and dagger”…. then if he feels….like less than what I’m interested…I hit ***delete***


  55.  #55Mercedes on November 17, 2009 at 10:03 am

    Nikita: I asked it once…it was a mistake! LOL I saw the dust left by his retreat before I even saw him turn around to run! 🙂 Lesson learned!!

    Much Love,

  56.  #56Nikita on November 17, 2009 at 10:04 am

    LOL dust!!!!!! yikes! dust!!!!!!

  57.  #57Kaitlyn on November 17, 2009 at 10:19 am

    Thankfully, I’ve always had too much dignity to ask where this is going or chase a guy. But trust me, I have over fuctioned in other weird backhanded ways.

  58.  #58Uschi on November 17, 2009 at 11:13 am


    I love the way you said pre-Rori and it made me think

    I would almost bet there are 3 stages to this

    learning Rori
    and then the after Rori the have become ME or I stage the goddess/siren stage

  59.  #59laughing goddess on November 17, 2009 at 11:59 am


    I feel empathetic and understanding of the pain you are feeling. I also feel excited for you. I feel excited because you are now free to receive the love that you totally deserve. It feels like loving yourself to get out of a situation that wasn’t what you want. I feel excited to hear of your new circular dating adventures. I feel certain that things will get better.

  60.  #60Callista on November 17, 2009 at 12:36 pm

    Mercedes: So I guess when this happens, we just say it makes us feel uncomfortable? Or we are unsure? Or we are not there yet? I mean, you don’t want to hurt the guy’s feelings but it IS like a trap when he’s fishing for feelings and hasn’t declared any of his own yet! It actually makes me feel angry thinking about that… Anyway, I’m still not sure how to respond to that one…

    Also what do you do if a guy declares he loves you before you are sure you love him? That has also happened to me… Do you just thank him? I’ve even had men tell me they love me when they clearly did not (like after 2 weeks? Puh-lease!), just to try to get something from me.

    Uschi: Thanks, but I have to admit I didn’t invent the term… I think I’ve seen it around the blog before…

  61.  #61alias girl on November 17, 2009 at 12:47 pm

    hahaha “dust”. hahahaha 🙂 that was funny. who hasn’t been there before? hahaha.

    also big HUG for you, jennifer. i feel compassion.

  62.  #62Mercedes on November 17, 2009 at 12:50 pm

    Callista: If it happened to me again, I would do exactly what I did. I would answer the question with a question. “Are you asking because you feel that way about me?”…puts the ball back in his court. Sometimes I wonder if men ask that question, not because they are developing strong feelings, but instead because they AREN’T and they want to make sure WE aren’t. I wonder if they’re planning to run if things get too intense and they’re checking to see if that time is now. I’m not certain on that, but when it happened to me, J was just seeing where I was…he wanted to make sure I wasn’t hoping for more than was there. Instead of asking me outright and telling me why he was asking (meaning he was ready to hit the road if my feelings were getting too strong), he tried to “trap me” (for lack of a better phrase) into feeling comfortable enough to answer him with a “yes” if I was feeling that way. Unfortunately for him, two things were happening: 1. I wasn’t feeling that strongly for him yet and 2. I didn’t fall into his trap. This required him to, rather than get an answer and run, open a conversation with me that wasn’t easy for him and would have forced him to confront me face to face if he was going to end things. Worked well for me, scared the crap out of him. LOL

    On saying I love you too soon…

    This hasn’t happened to me, but I think it would be best to, say “thank you” and then let them know you aren’t there yet. I think (not sure, but I think) most guys would appreciate the honesty. In any case, you would be true to yourself. I hate it when people use the word “love” when it clearly isn’t love. It makes the word so much less important. For a guy to know that the word love means a lot to you and that you aren’t going to use it until you’re ready…well…I’m pretty sure he’d be able to respect that.

    Just my take, but I have no experience to draw from on this one…

    Much Love,

  63.  #63Paula on November 17, 2009 at 1:35 pm

    I’m struggling with this post (and the few before too). I can’t say how I feel to a man before he says it to me? I can’t say ‘I love you’ or more likely ‘I like you’ or he will head for the hills. I know it’s true (he will). But do I have to edit some of my expression of feelings to men then? Argh! It’s all too complicated.

    And there are so many tools, how can I even remember to do ONE with a man? Anyone have a top 3 tools? I might manage to remember that.

    I feel sympathy and empathy for you Jennifer and I feel admiration for your courage to leave him.

    I’m practising receiving. This guy wants to drive 1000km to see me. Yikes! And I don’t have to give anything back except maybe some of my time. Oh boy, can I let him do it?

    I’m off for another interview tomorrow. It never rains but it pours….

    Goodnight and love to all,

    A confused would-be siren :))

  64.  #64Simply Shannon on November 17, 2009 at 1:35 pm

    Nikita: Dear goodness, i love the hand up the shirt date you had. Wowsers. I feel impressed lady!

    Kaitlyn: I have the same feelings when I get weird / lame emails from guys. The thing I’m trying to remember is that they are dealing with a TON of non-goddesses who want to email forever and spend all this time online getting to know someone. I personally do NOT want that. I want to know if I have chemistry with someone in their physical presence. When a guy asks for another way to reach me, I give them my number. Ironically I’m now dealing with men who want to text all the time. Still working on crafting a short text to basically say “I feel annoyed by too much texting. It feels much better to talk.”

    Callista: If I got that email, I would feel weird/confused. I’d respond with “I feel confused by this question. It would feel better to talk about it in person”. SEND. When we talked, I’d say “what are your reasons for asking the question? I feel curious.” PAUSE. Let him speak. And then more feeling messages.

  65.  #65Simply Shannon on November 17, 2009 at 1:43 pm

    Callista: To follow along on Mercedes’ post…

    If I didn’t feel “love” yet or even if I did and HE hasn’t said it to me first, I’d say “It feels good to continue dating you and see where things go.”

    A year ago (pre-Rori), I would probably want to say yes (even if I thought no). Gosh that makes me feel sad for the me back then but grateful and blessed to be here today.

  66.  #66Daria on November 17, 2009 at 1:49 pm

    This is Great and I feel so interested. Wow Mercedes very cool on what you are telling Callista !

    I was rereading Rori’s book last nite and read the part about respecting the masculine means

    “I am no longer called upon to nurture my man’s feelings” and he assumes the Masculine pleasure of nurturing mine!

    yeah! I am not gonna babystep towards not feeling worried of hurting his feelings! and just being authentic!

  67.  #67alias girl on November 17, 2009 at 1:50 pm

    paula my top three tools in order or importance (to me)

    1) using “i feel” statements whenever, whereever as often as possible with as many people as i can

    2) see #1

    3) see #’s 1 and 2 above

  68.  #68Daria on November 17, 2009 at 1:51 pm

    Shannon I DO say now I feel annoyed by texting! Shoot it was getting outta control! lol

  69.  #69Daria on November 17, 2009 at 1:51 pm

    my favorite tool right now is PONDING

  70.  #70alias girl on November 17, 2009 at 2:06 pm

    aaaaaahhhhh finally i got a call back from one of the bazillion attempts at getting income. it is for a retail position at victoria’s secret for the holidays. and that would bring in some income, i would be working in a goddessey place (!) . the environment is good and upbeat. i just feel it would be a decent start to returning to work. obviously more money that what they offer would be better. but what they offer is better than no money. i hope she hires me. 🙂

    ah i feel relieved just knowing i got a call! esp since i have no retail experience. i would just feel better being around pretty clothes and helping women making goddess selections rather than under flourescent lights in an isolated cubical.

  71.  #71Tina on November 17, 2009 at 2:08 pm

    katlyn, I’ve learned to so No, I feel uncomfortable giving my email address to men on this site, I’ve had men showing me their wiennies ew, ew ew, and not nice ones either, I had a few very attractive men showing me their not so attractive wiennies. I used to feel “bad” for just thinking of saying no , I would think , no he wont show me his weinnie online but eventually it would happen, not all but a few, so I’ve just made it a rule not to do that anymore, I do have men on my messenger, not the flasher types, hell they dont talk to me at all. I deleted a few over the past few days, mooseman and candy gifts man, and a few others. then I had the free sex chat guys. I”ll let you know if im into having free sex chat with you damnit!

    I would immediatly go to ‘feeling bad” I am not entirely sure why though, is it because I know well obiviously I know something if I intuitively go to “bad feelings” Rather than take my chances and ignore my bad feeling I just say no, I feel uncomfortable giving out my address.

  72.  #72Tina on November 17, 2009 at 2:11 pm

    Oh that sounds like a fun job, alias girl, I always wanted to work in a drive thru coffee shop 🙂 . VS has nice stuff, I was going through their online catalog and looking at their sweaters. A drive thru coffeee shop with vs bra on lol , Red of course.

  73.  #73Tina on November 17, 2009 at 2:17 pm

    Stratagies will get me more drama, I would rather trust my feelings and work with the tools.

  74.  #74Daria on November 17, 2009 at 2:19 pm

    Iyyabo the business coach:

    The Universe is friendly so when we feel resistance, get curious about the resistance because on the other side of it is a gift.

  75.  #75Tina on November 17, 2009 at 2:30 pm

    Nikita, I’m still unsure about his acts of kindness, generousity. I appreciate him taking care of my frivilous needs like the choclate decadent dessert thingy with coffeee oooooooooooh that was soooooooooo yummy, if I had claws I’d be pawing the pillow, but yeah paying for my divorce is to much. I dunno…

    I just feel uncomfortable with him sugggesting it. I’ll take care of my business, my ex’s business, my ex will pay for it, that is just the way it is.

  76.  #76Tina on November 17, 2009 at 2:44 pm

    daria i like that 🙂 The Universe said to me today, its not the

    It’s not unreturned love, from a certain someone, that hurts, tina. It’s just that sometimes the “thing” you’re focusing on, keeps you from feeling all the love that others are sending you.

    Especially me, me, me –
    The Universe

  77.  #77alias girl on November 17, 2009 at 2:46 pm

    thanks tina!!!! i am savoring this feeling of Relief. it feels sooooooooooo good. like SOMETHING will come through. pshew. i feel so good i feel like i am on a fluffy cloud. ahhhhh.

    daria i like that quote from the business coach.

    omg i am just reveling in this cloud feeling. i feel sexy. all my sexy feelings had been thrown out the widnow or locked uo tight or something these last few weeks. but ahhhh. maybe i will start going on dates now and kissing cute boys. mmmm yum. and then hanging around sexy lingerie all day and then going on dates and kissing cute boys. hahhahahaha sounds good to me!!!! 🙂

    i don’t give out my email either. one guy wanted my email last night. i said i didn’t feel comfortable with that but i feel comfortable with a phone call or staying on the site. he offered to give me his number (but didn’t) i told him i feel more comfortable when the man calls the woman. what did he think? he said “or we could just stay on the site” ugh. i lost all attraction and interest. i emailed something bcak and then said it was nice chatting but i was going to sleep. some men just want to stay on line and touch themselves. and that’s fine. it just doesn’t line up with what i want.

  78.  #78Tina on November 17, 2009 at 3:02 pm

    heheeeeee, online guy says “hi sexy…” I type back , Hi and thank you, I do feel sexy! oh oh 🙂

  79.  #79Nikita on November 17, 2009 at 3:14 pm


    When? when will you “take care of it?”

    with all due respect, I don’t date people that are separated…to me that’s feels like “still married”.

    I need to feel comfortable….for all you know this is him stepping up-but first he has this damn wall to knock down
    (I feel triggered)

  80.  #80tinque on November 17, 2009 at 3:16 pm

    Callista – this is a loaded topic for me too. The word love is tossed around far too much for my taste. I love you is said far too casually and often WAY too soon. Love takes time. True love doesn’t happen in a few days, weeks, months even. It takes time to really get to know a person without any facade.
    And even when you know you truly love someone, you don’t need to say it all the time. It loses its meaning. When it is said, it fills you up so much more, for you know and feel the love behind the words.
    I agree with Miss M. in that a thank you is a lovely way to respond, but I don’t think you need say anything more. He’ll figure it out. If he presses you, say you feel it’s too early in your relationship to know how you feel.

  81.  #81tinque on November 17, 2009 at 3:20 pm

    Jennifer – I applaud your amazing strength..

  82.  #82tinque on November 17, 2009 at 3:20 pm

    yay!!! ag….

  83.  #83tinque on November 17, 2009 at 3:35 pm

    this is just too good not to share…enjoy

    A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.
    Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said, ‘For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.’
    The wife answered, ‘Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband
    The fairy waved her magic wand and – poof! – two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.
    The husband thought for a moment: ‘Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I’m sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.
    The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.
    So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!…the husband became 92 years old.
    The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember fairies are female…..


  84.  #84Tina on November 17, 2009 at 3:36 pm

    Nikita, um dunno, My ex messaged me to ask if I still lived at the same place and if my phone number is still the same, I said yes, it is. He then replied because he is going to look into the divorce next week, not sure why next week but I didnt ask him anyway. He’s been saying this since July when he first brought up the subject of divorce. I feel really annoyed by his attempts at contacting me and then saying he is “thinking” about filing this week or next. I feel so pissed that If I do have to be the one to initiate the divorce,I’ll take his last good shirt! If he does it then well, I dont even have to show up for court AT ALL! Nikita there is a BIG PICTURE here, I dont want to go into detail about it but ok I will,
    native american women do not have matrimonial property rights, such as marital house, or anyting that falls under “marital property” so anyway, there is more involved here than just me feeling stubborn or whatever or having men pay for my divorce. Most native women end up leaving their homes such as I did wiht nothing, I mean nothing.

  85.  #85Tina on November 17, 2009 at 3:38 pm

    just google it, native american women and matrimonial property rights in CANADA. There has been some changes but not much, its progress! yeah

  86.  #86Tina on November 17, 2009 at 3:48 pm

    I feel like blowing up the planet again 🙂

  87.  #87Daria on November 17, 2009 at 4:03 pm

    Tina HUGs!

  88.  #88Tina on November 17, 2009 at 4:04 pm

    I love the vampire tool 🙂 the trees have all turned yellow and dying, slowly, slowly, my hot acid breath.

  89.  #89Tina on November 17, 2009 at 4:09 pm

    I want to play in the big jumpy castle, work at a coffee drive thru and wear VS bras damnit! I want to eat decadent chocolate thingys. I love eating decadent chocolatey thingys, not to much just once in awhile. I want to cry and jump around it the jumpy castle and eat chocolaty things wiht Daria, and all you guys!

  90.  #90Nikita on November 17, 2009 at 4:23 pm

    Tinque——ROCKS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  91.  #91Tina on November 17, 2009 at 4:25 pm

    I just read online about a “failed” anti depressant making a new life as a “female viagra” lol I AINT TAKEN IT!

  92.  #92Nikita on November 17, 2009 at 4:27 pm


    thx-for making me feel safe to express myself–
    is he …..dragging it out bcuz if he files he has to pay?
    no response required-I just feel curious if he can be inspired to move quickly-unless you feel safer staying married because of “red tape”

  93.  #93Tina on November 17, 2009 at 4:27 pm

    It wont cure your depression but it will make you horny as hell fck get a life!

  94.  #94Tina on November 17, 2009 at 4:30 pm

    Well, he is trying to dumd it down. My focus would be on the “paying” rather than the big picture. Could cost a lot of money! I feel appreciative of dude wanting to pay up but yeah, you know…

  95.  #95Tina on November 17, 2009 at 4:33 pm

    I would feel more more relaxed in heavy armour than a nice white dressy blouse 🙂 like a WARRIOR GODDESS 🙂

  96.  #96Tina on November 17, 2009 at 4:42 pm

    Online guys says I look like the outdoorsy type haha, yeah, he has a motor cylce , ugh I dont feel safe on those things. He says its a harley, well good for you. I AINT DOING IT besides its to cold.

  97.  #97Simply Shannon on November 17, 2009 at 4:55 pm

    Nikita: I have the same feelings regarding dating a man who is separated. I feel like the pot calling the kettle black though because I dated before it was official. I tell men no all the time now though. Strange but true.

    Tina: I feel intrigued hearing about your divorce situation. Wow, that sounds like a tough spot to be in. I can’t possibly know your particular situation but it sounds like you feel okay with where things stand. Like maybe you’ve come to terms with it? I feel impressed that you are still having fun and haven’t allowed the “limbo” to keep you down.

    And thank you for the reminder about the bouncy house. I forgot this part…


    I feel blah tonight. Silly boy cancelled on me again.


    I don’t feel all that upset.


    Told him that it would feel better to know earlier so I don’t feel rushed to make plans.


    Now he says he owes me. 🙂




    I updated my profile and I’m hoping for some new men to come into my rotation.


    Crazy Bitch and Sha-nay-nay are in the bouncy house! Who else is coming in???


    Okay that feels better!

  98.  #98tinque on November 17, 2009 at 5:08 pm

    you’re silly SS. love it…

  99.  #99Tina on November 17, 2009 at 5:10 pm

    What I know is “practicing change” does happen and becomes a reality for me, what little I feel I have or want is slowly becoming more difficult meaning “degree of difficulty” My life is not “full” 100% during those “nothing” times is when I am learning, so in fact it is full, even just sitting around drinking coffee hehe Nikita I got some coffee now! Big guy bought me some coffee, I was willing to pay for it myself but he did. Interesting , we went for a drive, got lost along the way, he isnt from around here (another village hehe) I did not give him instructions or try and help him find his way out or turn back or do this, I just sat while he was talking and asking me if I knew where we were, but not really expecting answers, just driving, he finally figured it out and brought me home safely. I did feel anxious a few times and felt like jumping out and running away. I instinctively wanted to drive the damn truck! the same one he is loaning me until I finish my course. I feel dependent on men for basic survival, grrrr I hate that feeling. it’s like all the damn time!

  100.  #100Tina on November 17, 2009 at 5:12 pm

    🙂 BIG BOUNCE 🙂

  101.  #101Tina on November 17, 2009 at 5:26 pm

    I like my aloneness and solitude probibly a little to much. * bounce*

    *Note on divorce , he’ll do it, I dont have to do anything, I dont have to show up. *poof gone , done. Dont make me drive the divorce boat, no no no, I’ll take your fckn boat and oars, oh wait I cant, hahaha. Wheres my shit damnit! I just wannna jump in the jumpy castle and eat chocolatey things!

    My alone time is spent feeling my feelings 🙂 my life is full of feelings for me to discover!

  102.  #102Linda on November 17, 2009 at 5:53 pm

    I have enjoyed reading all these posts. Tina… the things men have shown you? Oh my gosh. weinees. LOL LOL. I am still laughing.

    I have decided I want to be a Fariy and grant wishes! I want to a very smart, wise fariy and grant wishes.

    I have had an interesting evening. I am just home, been online. I talked to a guy that I dated a bit in the summer, we keep in touch from time to time. I did not hear from the ex bull rider. He did not return my call or text today so happy trails to him! Disqualified! NO TOLERANCE. The great thing is this time I truely dont care that we didnt meet. His character was revealed yesterday and confirmed today. Door closed. NEXT please. LOL Sure I would have liked to meet him, but if he is going to do this before we even met what else would he do? CRAP! It was his idea to meet, his request. LOL I wont now, I have no interest period. It is a matter of principle for me.

    I was online and saw the profile of the guy that I dated back in September. The one that told me he was going to propose to another woman on November 11th. I sooo hoped that she would say yes to him! Seeing him online let me know that she didn’t. My heart sank for him….. I wrote him…”Ut OH”… I was Really hoping I would never see your profile out here again. I am sorry.”

    He wrote me and said he knew he was sorry too but it would be okay. He even asked how I was and if I had any luck (with finding someone)

    I updated him about me…and ended with…”I just want you to know that I hold respect for you because of the way you were honest with me and treated me” and said ” I literally can not say that about any other man I have met” .It revealed his character and it was admirable to me. A one woman man, honorable etc. even if I was not the “one woman”. He could have tried to keep me on the back burner…as a back up plan but he didn’t and….I felt he respected and honored me!

    He called me a little bit ago and we talked for an hour. I listened, he listened to me. He said it was hard for him to have the conversation that he did with me and he was not even sure if it was ultimately the right thing… I stopped him and said. I want to affirm you, you did what you needed to do and now you have your answer and you have the closure you needed for your heart. I told him I admired him for giving it a dedicated 100% try. He was speachless and could only say thank you.

    I felt good affirming him. I can empathise with him. There is nothing in this for me, nothing I wish to gain other than acknowleging something I admire in him, his character. I told him I call it like I see it. There is an uncommon link here between us. It feels peaceful.

    Something has happened inside me. I dont feel needy or sad or wishing for something.Even in my need and missing the pressence of a man in my life… I feel at peace and full without him. Like one of the lines in this thread. You are the source of love of for you and others get your overflow.

    It felt good to affirm a man who repected me. It feels good to respect myself by not tolerating anything that makes me feel disrespected. i.e. am man that lays it on thick and does not show up. (oh my goodness, gag me with a spoon)…. I think I am learning how to love myself and stay tapped into the source, me. Investing in me first and keeping that my focus. Yeah ladies something grand has happened inside me. My head and heart is out of a fog finally. Shew what a long time coming this has been.

    Hugs… Linda

  103.  #103DejaVu on November 17, 2009 at 6:00 pm

    I know that this is a little off-topic, but if Rori doesn’t mind, I’d like to share this with all of you: I get this catalog “FEMAIL CREATIONS”, and everything in it is for the GODDESS in all of us. Try it – you may find some interesting things in here!

  104.  #104soul on November 17, 2009 at 6:03 pm

    I don’t play games or strategize such as ‘playing hard to get” etc etc. I just am hard to get based on my standards. I think I might lean back too much, because all the guys I’ve talked/seen in the past or dated have said they felt like I was really distant and weren’t getting any signals. So what do I do to show interest but doesn’t make me lean forward?

  105.  #105Linda on November 17, 2009 at 6:08 pm

    I have never been in the bouncey house.

    I dont care that ex bull rider did not show up. He saved me some time I think… thanks ex bull rider guy..


    he told me last night he owed me… lol


    he successfully maniulpated me the other day… I learned something important, thanks for the message. I am done now. Good bye

    bounce… giggling… wow this feels good

    bounce… it feels good to be me.

  106.  #106Daria on November 17, 2009 at 6:56 pm

    i feel so excited to share… i went to bellydancing class! and used my new tools of stretching jelly body wiht my mind (while stretching) and of CARING FOR MYSELF and not pushing myself to pain! and


    after a pause people will usually come back in to a new normal and that definitely works for me

    i rocked. and my stomach looks great, my organs i can feel them

    my twice weekly acupuncture and massage must be helping with that a lot

    i didnt reallize how much i didnt feel or know about my body tilll now… poor me i was always bloated aawww

    now im feeling like wow im Alive!

    it all works subtly too sometimes i was wondering is it working
    its working

  107.  #107Daria on November 17, 2009 at 6:59 pm

    when i start rapping in my head and i start saing braggy things i feel tight in the top of my jaw and teary eyes and like no no STOPyoure embarassing yourself! aww i love me

    i want to be free… thank you voice i embrace you and the clamps you put on my body i love you and im here for you now.. its ok to relax voice… its ok. I GOT YOU and im gonna do what makes me feel good and what makes me happier and bigger so i can have MORE compassion to share with you and with the world… its ok to relax… HUGS… i WONT ABANDON YOU i PROMISE. I am here for you. THJank you sweetie for protecting me all this time. Its ok now. Im back and im grown and I LOVE Y OU AND I WILL PROTECT YOUUU from now on. Thank you. You did a great job. and now its ok to HELP me be an awesomely expressive Rapper and DAncer that is Totally unafraid to express all of herself… go voice… yeah… new FUN FEELING task. its all for you baby. thank you.

  108.  #108Daria on November 17, 2009 at 7:08 pm

    I feel tingly!

    I very much want to rap out loud, out my mouth

  109.  #109Simply Shannon on November 17, 2009 at 8:02 pm

    Daria: Belly dancing sounds so fun! Hmmm… must look that up to see if there’s any classes in my area. Thank you!


    I’m bouncing my anxious feelings away. I updated my dating profiles today.


    I included a list of what I’m calling “my simple pleasures”. Super fun, mostly fluff, but it’s catchy and still “me”. We’ll see. So far already got three emails on one site from new guys.


    Mr. Manly Man is of course on Match and I’m POSITIVE he saw it. Got a lame text from him that sounded sullen. Or maybe I’m projecting but I feel certain he’ll mention it or stop calling me. I feel hopeful he won’t do that but whateva.


    I’ve been wanting to update for awhile but was feeling nervous because Mr. Manly Man blew up last time. I feel tired of being afraid. You wanna walk out because I’m dating other men, please do not hesitate. Blech.


    I feel curious because a part of me feels like I’m testing him to see how far he’ll let me go. To see what it takes for him to walk. I don’t know why I feel that way. Self protection? Am I pushing him so that I don’t have to be the one to tell him to F’ off?


    We have tons o’ fun when we’re physically together but I do feel weird when we’re not. It’s like I’m walking on eggshells, wondering when the next thinking session will happen and he’ll say something silly like “I’m stepping away, but I don’t want to. It’s not what I want.” blah, blah, blah.


    I need some new men in my rotation. I backed off a little bit because I was feeling blah about the whole thing but that’s not really truth. I was just feeling down about the guys in my rotation.


    I’m responding to all the men who reply. I reply with whatever I’m feeling at the time. It feels fun and I don’t feel tied to any of the men at all, even if I’m interested or not.


    Gonna bounce my butt to bed now Sirens. Hope ya’ll have a great night! Shannon

  110.  #110Tina on November 17, 2009 at 9:12 pm

    Linda,I’m happy you have joined us in th bouncy castle!

  111.  #111Daria on November 17, 2009 at 11:35 pm

    Hey! now you guys can Call me for free… on my blog click on the phone line hehe…

  112.  #112Daria on November 18, 2009 at 12:04 am

    lol anyone can contact me free! hehe i have a Goddess Line… ladidah

  113.  #113gina on November 18, 2009 at 12:11 am

    I feel angry that I can’t share more opinions with men, cause I hate them for being wrong. I especially hate them for being arrogant, condescending AND wrong.

    And I am angry at men who are cute and who blow it by being sarcastic and mean – as if we are little kids and it is really necessary for a guy to pull my pigtails to let me know he’d like a warm place to put his penis.

    I feel triggered cause I feel lonely. I want to smoke pot. I hate to admit, but I’m in dangerous territory cause I now have non-stop access to pot. That’s no bueno for this girl cause I fool myself into thinking that anything I do will be more fun high. I’ve been pretty good so far, but i just WANT it. Okay, I’ll go to bed, and that will be one more night that I didn’t give in to temptation.

  114.  #114gina on November 18, 2009 at 12:18 am

    my goodness, that was an ugly little outburst. I wish i could hit delete. I feel like a little mini storm just passed.

  115.  #115gina on November 18, 2009 at 1:02 am

    i feel tight and angry. and I’m not sure why. things that cross my mind…the date that I went on the other night – I felt like “his enemy”. he was asking me questions about how I learned to dance salsa, I told him I was a ballroom dance instructor, which led to the story about how i didn’t know how to dance, yet people were charged $135 for a 45 minute lesson with me. I was telling him how I felt horrible about how that business ran, and I was conflicted and resistant, but I had signed a contract saying I would owe 6000$ if I quit the job…anyhoo, this guy kept accusing me of selling my soul, and made different comments about how I “don’t” take the high road. I wanted to punch him in the mouth, and do other violent things. uuuurgh it annoys me just thinking about it. and then I think about Johnny’s response to the same story – when telling the story, I accepted ways that I coulda done better, but he was always supportive, never critical. Thinking about that leads to fury about being alone without a human being who I friggin CLICK with. I got a text from the date from the other night, just saying thanks, and i feel ZERO desire to even respond to him (it annoys me that he still seems to want to be the guy even though we didn’t click at all and he has no idea how to even talk to me). Can I go with my own feelings on this. or do I keep “practicing.” I feel bitter. Oh and I’m angry cause I kinda got suckered into coming into work when I wasn’t on the schedule, and I didn’t want to come in. And I’m angry about a $100 parking ticket that I got today. Urgh. Tight face. furrowed brow. clenched anger. resistant to relax. clenched teeth, pursed lips. wrinkles between my eyes! relax. The part of me that wants to stay angry is looking for a new place to clench since I refuse to encourage eyebrow/lip wrinkles. Maybe i’m just angry cause I’m not smoking? that would suck. whateva. I bought beautiful plants today. and I bought pretty sunflowers that are happily standing in a crystal vase looking so freakin cute. and my apartment looks like forest and that feels calm and good. And I feel a mix of guilt and relief that my roommate and i haven’t been talking much lately. I feel compassion, but I feel overwhelmed by what feels like massive need from her. i feel powerful and sucked. Awww…I just remembered the little kids that I worked with last week. they were so cute and sweet. Yeah, i feel angry about that, too. I want to have a cute little baby.

  116.  #116Daria on November 18, 2009 at 1:18 am

    Gina I love how you said your apartment looks liek a forest. that feels really good and interesting! oooh i feel fresh rich air and that feels relaxing to my head

  117.  #117Daria on November 18, 2009 at 1:36 am

    omgosh I just ordered a 70 dollar curling iron recommended by the girl who i like the way she does hair on youtube!


    I asked my mom would she curl my hair cuz she wants a boudoir desk thingy

  118.  #118gina on November 18, 2009 at 1:49 am

    I love boudoir desk thingies, and i imagine that curling my hair at one would feel awesome! especially with a really good curling iron 🙂

  119.  #119Daria on November 18, 2009 at 1:51 am

    heres a PINK POLE FOR POLEDANCING only 99 bucks!!!

  120.  #120Daria on November 18, 2009 at 1:52 am

    hehe yes GIna I want to take more care of myself with these things I find “difficult” like curling my hair or painting my nails…

    the girl who’s videos i like is awesome her youtube name is


  121.  #121Kaitlyn on November 18, 2009 at 2:50 am

    I feel annoyed because a guy I met online and did coffee/date 1 with today just IM’d me. It’s 1am! I find that very inappropriate despite that he had no ill nor perv intent. It’s just rude. Like I’m some crackhead up at all hours. Ok, I am up at all hours, but that’s for me. Not random dudes.

  122.  #122Flipper on November 18, 2009 at 3:54 am

    Bounce *** bounce***

    Gina and Kaitlyn, * bounce * come and jump thru it in the bouncy castle

    ***bounce * boing

    I’d LOVE to learn more belly dancing – my one lesson felt great and I did really well. I felt proud to get the shimmy part – some of the women had a really hard time, I think they felt uptight about their boobs jiggling and couldn’t get past that to feeling their rib cage lead the way. The joints don’t quite feel up to it yet after injuries, but in the meantime I can still do my folkdancing despite a sprained foot last week. (I just cheat with a kneebend if there’s actual jumping on a hard floor among the moves. I like it best when the jumping parts are separate – that’s where the boys are supposed to show off, while the girls play it cool or even stop. I used to feel bad I couldn’t jig as well, and even ‘shouldn’t’ try according to tradition, but in fact it’s a time-tested moment for Leaning Back and being dazzled with the men’s gift of prowess.

    Bounce * bounce * in a lovely soft resilient bouncy castle, soaring, elbows flailing, hair flying, giggling with goddesses.

  123.  #123Tracy on November 18, 2009 at 4:30 am

    I feel release of my past beliefs…i feel love for everyone…i feel recognition for who i really i am…i feel happy to be alive…it feels good that i can accept me and feel so good doing that….
    I feel so strong and powerful yet i still feel its me….i feel grateful for my growth and what i feel right now…it keeps getting better and better…

  124.  #124Chaudemaman on November 18, 2009 at 6:27 am

    Oh F* oh f* oh f*
    i feel sick to my stomach, my jaw is all loosy like it gets when i need to throw up… i feel tears behind my eyes and my legs feel all wobbly and my throat feels all tight.
    i am feeling soooooo not sireny or goddessy… i feel sick sick sick
    i feel angry… when i feel angry i feel like crying… must be a release thing… f* f*f*f*!!!!!!!
    It has been 24 hrs since my guy has sent a text or anything… i have leaned back in that department and this is what i am receiving… a big fat nothing but feelings of sick and anger… mostly directed at myself of course… here she is the star of our show “the blame game”… Chaude! i am not feeling very hot mama… feel like mama got thrown from the train…
    before this 24 hr nothing it was 12 hrs of nothing… his texts have been trickling in a little slower the last couple of weeks… i could make excuses for him but truth be told… it’s almost easier to just blame me…
    i deserve better than this mister “i have gotten us brochures to look at decide where we want to go for a hot vacation”… on his dime no less… it shouldn’t matter how busy you are at work… a text takes 2 minutes to send… i sooooooo have to get back to circular dating mr. “we’ll buy a house in the spring together” (i did set my boundraries about no ring, no shared accommodations… he was perfectly fine with it….HA!) being soft doesnt mean being all squishy and wishy washy and a doormat… yeah ur the man and is supposed to lead but that doesn’t mean i am gonna follow u down the garden path to nowhere… f* that noise!!!!!!!!!!!
    now my back feels all tight and major pain happening back there… must be all the blame i feel i am shouldering…. get off my f*n horse, yeah u and take the blame with u… walk dammit… i feel like crawling back into bed and sleeping forever… i would just feel ickier if i did tho… ick, ick, ick, ick, ick, ick, ick

    BTW… i took belly dancing lessons once, and salsa too… major fun and goddessy stuff…
    Also i came up with a list of 108 things to do than lean forward after listening to the modern siren…
    oh F* it… i feel i am in an imaginary relationship again… dammit
    love to all… tee hee
    chaude xoxoxo

  125.  #125Simply Shannon on November 18, 2009 at 8:18 am

    Gina: I feel curious. Did you tell Mr. Judgemental what you felt while you were having that conversation? Everyone is allowed their opinion but what happened in my past is just that… THE PAST. Whatever I did felt right at the time, or I wouldn’t have done it. Others can judge me all they want but it’s not like I can go back and change it. I can own my past decisions but I don’t have to feel bad if I don’t want to.

    Kaitlyn: I feel curious. Why does IM’ing at 1am feel inappropriate? Did you tell him what you were feeling? Sounds like maybe he saw you online and wanted to reach out to you. If it were me, and if I don’t want to talk that late, I might say “I appreciate you saying hi since you see me online but I don’t feel like talking right now. Maybe some other time? What do you think?” I dunno. Guess I would feel he’s doing it from a good place and he just needs to know how I feel about it (i.e. I don’t want to chat at the moment).

    Chaudemaman: I would keep leaning back. He’s not used to you leaning back. He may need time to figure out that he misses you. I think I’ve heard it here but… give him the gift of missing you. He’ll either figure out he misses you and lean forward, or he won’t and you’ll figure out you don’t need him. Are you circular dating? I feel forgetful at the moment.

    I’m feeling better this morning. Not quite so blah as I’ve been the past few days.

    This bouncing thing really helps me to type shorter sentences and still get my point across.

    I don’t feel afraid today. I’m doing what I want and let the chips fall where they may.

    I feel curious how one goes from Circular Dating into a marriage proposal. That feels fast like going straight from dating (not exclusive) to marriage. I don’t want to go fast again. I want a slow courtship.

    It feels easier to hold off being a girlfriend when I don’t feel major attraction but I know it’s going to happen one day. I’ll want to be the girlfriend. Hmmm. I just feel curious.

    Off to work lovely Sirens. Happy Hump Day! Shannon

  126.  #126gina on November 18, 2009 at 8:49 am

    SS I did eventually tell him that I felt “my buttons being pushed” – not really a feeling message. I felt triggered and thought “screw this guy, I’ll practice with a guy who doesn’t tick me off so bad.” but I guess that defeats the purpose. I just became totally judgmental and dismissed him as unworthy of hearing my feelings. I felt disgusted that he still flirted with me after he put me down in half joking half serious ways, and I was furious. I sensed that he thinks I’m too good looking for him, and he felt like he needed to put me down to what he perceives to be his level. Aargh! still feeling violent.

  127.  #127Kaitlyn on November 18, 2009 at 9:58 am

    Feeling triggered. Remembering how I ditched the last guy (a fuckbuddy of a few months) because I felt like our time together was beginning to be taken for granted. He accused me of getting rid of him to save myself from rejection. He was 3% right, but it still angers me to this day.

  128.  #128Nikita on November 18, 2009 at 10:36 am


    Hi, good morning 😉


    ummm….Good afternoon 🙂






    I feel bouncy! mmm…how did that happen?



    Hi Flipper 😉



    I feel BOUNCY!!



  129.  #129gina on November 18, 2009 at 10:54 am

    Hey there Nikita.
    Sorry to poop on this party, but I’m really not a bouncer. I hate it when it does the double bounce up thing, when I’m going down and it’s coming up and my knees buckle and then I’m like a potato being bounced around by the other bouncers. I also hate it when I’m minding my own business, bouncing, and somehow somebody else shoots me into the air. I don’t feel “in control” bouncing. I think I’d only like to bounce by myself – but even then, I’d be like “okay, I gotta turn this into exercise.” or “I can use this as an opportunity to discipline myself into some sort of gymnastic feat.” I dunno. Oh, and my boobs – my boobs are too big to be bouncing. ya’ll have fun bouncing, I’m gonna be over here swinging on a hammock.

  130.  #130Nikita on November 18, 2009 at 11:04 am


    Gina’s on the hammock drinking Mai Tais
    …..or pina coladas…. 😉

    Gina swings….and sways……..and sways…..and drifts…and floats on a cotton breeze……and I bounce!!!

    …higher and higher…and I skip the double bounce-bounce back—-

    Gina looks so cute with her pouty “I got a ticket face” 😉
    sooooo cute……she sips her adult beverage and kicks back in the sun….swaying…..cooling in the breeze…..


  131.  #131Simply Shannon on November 18, 2009 at 11:38 am

    Gina: Ok, I guess I can respect your no-bouncy-house policy. :-p As for being triggered, it feels so much better to get it out, even if what you feel is anger. If I don’t say anything, then I choke on my anger for days/weeks after, wishing I had said something, rewriting the script in my head. Blech. The guy may have no idea I even feel mad because I never told him. I know I would feel defensive too but just like you said it’s all great practice, ESPECIALLY when I start feeling like I don’t care anyway. KWIM? I mean, what do I have to lose? That part is really getting easier for me. I’m practicing a lot just with my email responses to guys from my online dating sites. In particular the ones I don’t feel interested in. I tell them how I feel about whatever. I don’t do it in a mean way, but I don’t care what they say anyway. It’s GREAT practice.

    Mr. Manly Man did not have a “thinking session” regarding my profile update. He did say he was thinking about me a lot today. I just feel hopeful I won’t get a 10,000 word email later tonight. 🙂

    I feel hopeful! I feel tired and kind of puny, but mostly okay.


  132.  #132gina on November 18, 2009 at 11:43 am

    Nikita – hilarious.

    i’m kinda jealous that you manage to thwart the double bounce back…but I’m happy to by sipping and drifting. with sparkles in the air – could be the sunlight, or it could just be magic fairy dust. don’t worry – it won’t irritate your eyes or lungs, and if men come around, they won’t have to dry clean their suits, cause, like I said, it’s magic.

  133.  #133gina on November 18, 2009 at 11:59 am

    Yes, SS, I think it could have been good practice. I’m not having the “dang! I coulda said this or that” blues, but I do see how sharing my feelings could have helped me for future “high stakes” situations. but honestly, the lingering anger I think is bitterness. cause after speaking with him on the phone the first time, I felt good about him – I was impressed with his success, I felt special when he listened well, I felt good when he made a plan for a date, and I felt charmed hearing about how he installed 3 little doors in his house for a cat that adopted him. I was like, wow, just by contacting me and making a plan, he has left Johnny in the dust. and he was taking me to a Jazz joint – appreciation of Jazz music was one of the things that set Johnny apart, and now he’s leveled out. But then the guy accused me of selling my soul and of taking the low road, and johnny shot back up to the top of the charts. hmmm…. “charts?” Perhaps the lesson from this date isn’t primarily about sharing feelings, as much as not comparing men? or getting my hopes up about a guy being some sort of answer?

  134.  #134Simply Shannon on November 18, 2009 at 12:23 pm

    Yep, Gina, I feel that too. Constantly sizing up the men I’m dating to see who I like the most at that moment. I don’t think that’s a bad thing. The only problem with that for me is that it means I’m not being with the man in front of me. Those other men aren’t suppose to exist unless they’re in front of me, right? 🙂

    The lesson I’m learning is that everything is a trade-off, i.e. no one is perfect. I just want someone perfect for me. Someone who makes me feel good most of the time.

  135.  #135gina on November 18, 2009 at 12:35 pm

    I noticed today that I was resisting my inner Goddess. There is a coffee shop down the street that I like a lot, but the owner hit on me in a way that felt overwhelming , so I stopped coming in. Today was the first time I’ve been back since he asked for my number a few months ago, and I played the ice queen so that he would get the message to just pour me the coffee and SSSSHHHH! (no talking.) I like to feel appreciated by men, sometimes it feels more like a burden or a drag rather than something light and airy and uplifting.

    When he asked me for my number, I lied – I said that I had a boyfriend. And then he kept asking for my number – “we can be friends, etc”. Hello! I’m saying no!
    But if I had been honest, I would have said “Hmmm, I feel flattered that you ask, but I feel most comfortable keeping a “professional” relationship – I would feel uncomfortable coming here if I felt pressure for more. what do you think?”

    something like that?

  136.  #136Daria on November 18, 2009 at 12:52 pm

    ooh Gina I like that
    I feel flattered that you ask, but I feel more (or most) comfortable keeping a professional relationship… I feel uncomfortable with more… what do you think”

    this is rockin thank you

  137.  #137Daria on November 18, 2009 at 12:54 pm

    I dreamt someone gave me a lion neck to eat

  138.  #138Daria on November 18, 2009 at 12:59 pm

    also part of the dream was the usual stress like stuff i have in a dream…

    ie at a club my girl left me, with my purse in her car, went ALL the way home and to sleep, so i was left with just my phone, and my two guy friends, luckily, but my car was parked in a zone with meters that would get ticketed the next day, and the key to my car was in the purse… rrrr

  139.  #139Daria on November 18, 2009 at 1:00 pm

    But I did see two guys in my dream that are in jail right now and so it was nice to see them in the dream, because hopefully i will see them free in real life too (right angels?)

  140.  #140Daria on November 18, 2009 at 4:04 pm

    oooh i meditated and stretched and it was really awesome… i noticed that if i was pretending to be like the person guiding hte meditation… like… let your forehead release, etc.. in my mind, my body was responding… so i kept it going and got my body to do cool stuff and release a lot of tension… my face looks different now

    i also realized today a lot of times i feel fear, over little things but resist it and tighten up… also sadness… i say no no dont thin kabout that and tighten up

    so i am practicing letting it flow

  141.  #141Jennifer F on November 18, 2009 at 4:49 pm


    I need some advice. I think I am too close to this situation. L and I have been having our Nip/Tuck nights, and each night we get closer and closer. Last week was fantansic! We both were crying and talking deep from our hearts, and even took a road trip that weekend which went really well. Anyway, he has started this “bro-amnce” with this guy from the gym, and we have not been spending much time together between our work (because I lean back at work) and his family wanting his time, and now this workout partner. Anyway, the workout partner has always known not to “touch” Nip/Tuck night. He’ll even text during the show, and tell L to give him a call as soon as the show is over. I have bared this intrusion into L and I’s time, but today L told me that his friend and him got into an agruement last night, and that the friend really wants to work out wednesday nights too. So, L wanted to know if I would be cool with waiting to watch the show at 11:00 instead of 10:00 and because he has to work the next day, he’ll probably just leave after the show. So.. basically NO QUALITY time. I asked him what he wanted to do, and he said that he would make it work if I was okay with the 11 O’clock time slot. At first, I was trying to be understanding, because this is something that seems to be important to him, but I thought… I really come off as desperate.. if I am willing to take the crumbs and stay up till 11 to just see him for an hour, when I am use to seeing him at 9. Now granted, he will come over at 9 and we will stay up talking till 1 or so, but that is because the conversation started earlier. So then I said, for him to just go home and watch it at his house after he works out, and then we will hang out some other night in the week, and he didn’t seem to like that idea. So, how do I handle this? Do I follow his schedule or do I follow my own? How would I communicate this in feeling messages? On one hand, I feel like he is trying to make this work and on the other hand, I feel like he is picking his workout partner over me…
    Thanks in advance.
    Jen Jen

  142.  #142Jennifer F on November 18, 2009 at 4:52 pm

    Oh… and for the record.. I am circular dating. I actually was intimate with another man last week, but the whole time I was wishing it was L… it did however do wonders for my “sexual” self-esteem. Is this something I should mention to L as well? Or would that seem like playing games, which I completely do not want to do…
    Thanks again!
    Jen Jen

  143.  #143alias girl on November 18, 2009 at 4:53 pm

    jennifer i feel unsure. i didn’t read any feeling messages so it’s hard to say which ones might be the best ones to choose to share.

  144.  #144Jennifer F on November 18, 2009 at 4:54 pm

    Hi Alias,

  145.  #145Jennifer F on November 18, 2009 at 4:56 pm

    Hi Alias,
    Sorry about that… you are right.. I did not write any… I don’t really know where to start. I’ve been doing feeling messages a lot more lately. I feel picked over… I feel second best… I feel not “cool” enough to come first… I feel that this guy has suddenly become much more important in a month then I have been in the whole year and a half that we’ve been hanging out.. I feel selfish by saying no to him wanting to come over at 11… I feel like I am coming across as desperate… or pathetic… I feel like I would be rowing the boat because I would be making the effort to accomindate his schedule instead of him accomindating mine…
    Wow.. maybe I just answered my own question… ha ha

  146.  #146alias girl on November 18, 2009 at 5:01 pm

    🙂 xoxo

  147.  #147Jennifer F on November 18, 2009 at 5:17 pm

    Okay.. I did it. He walked into my office and said “So, I will be over at 11.” I said, I will be watching the show at 10. and he just said, oh.. fine. and then left my office. I was kicking myself because I did not use feeling messages. He came back in just a second ago, and I said.. I feel like I need to tell you something. I am watching the show at 10 because I don’t feel that I should have to change my schedule for your workout buddy. and then he said, you guys need to realize that there is only one of me! I said, do what you want to do. I said that your workout buddy is no one to me and I don’t feel like I want to change to benefit him. He left the room after that… I think he is digesting what I said and how I stood up for myself. Of course, he could be thinking that I just rejected his attempt to spend time with me, but I really want him to pick me.. and if I am important to him… he will make the time.

  148.  #148alias girl on November 18, 2009 at 5:30 pm

    argh i feel devasted. i feel self dooming. i only get excited about men i get excited about and those men in the past have often been closed off (shocker – hello mirror), men who only want sex. NOTHING more. not even any little bit of anything.

    omg. i feel devastation in this moment. I feel self-punishing and stuck in a bad nightmare while my happy ever after is on some movie screen that i keep watching like a little kid hoping hoping someday i get the happy ending.

    i feel tears and quievering lip. i love myself. i love my squeaky sad sounds. i love my feelings of rejection which feel like daggers in my heart. stab stab stab. not good enough. not worthy. not worth picking. not up to par.

    i love my low self esteem and wondering what’s missing. what am i missing. what is my missing element that makes men want to be kings for other women and just a taker of sex for me. TAKERS. SEX ONLY.

    i feel devastated and sobbing and a really tight jaw. I love my sobbing. i love my idealism. i love my heat rising in my body. i love my tears.

    I love my trigger reactions that inspire me to want to PUSH PEOPLE AWAY REALLY HARD AND PERMANENTLY when i feel rejected. i feel sad. i love my sadness. i love my self. i am so sweet. i can be a b*tch on wheels but there is a part of me that is divinely sweet and that part feels really devasted right now. The B*tch part of me is like, “oh girl, get on over these penis providing whiny girly men’



    so long frogs. 😉

  149.  #149alias girl on November 18, 2009 at 6:14 pm

    i deserve the best.

    Thank You.

  150.  #150laughing goddess on November 18, 2009 at 6:33 pm

    You deserve the best alias girl!!

  151.  #151Simply Shannon on November 18, 2009 at 6:58 pm

    Gina: I loved what you said to the coffee shop guy. Perfect feeling message.

    Daria: I feel flowy with you. Stretching and meditation = yummy.

    Jennifer F: I would feel like a 2nd class citizen too. I feel a little weird saying this to you when I know nothing about your friend, but what is up with the other guy calling him all the time and wanting to work out all the time? My knee jerk reaction was to wonder if your friend is gay. I feel horrible saying that but seriously, he would push you off to 11pm to go work out and hang with this boy? Really??? Yeah, I feel furious. I liked what you said about watching it at 10pm (or hell, go back to 9pm). “I feel tired if I stay up that late. And I feel unimportant when I have to rearrange MY schedule to accommodate someone else.” If he said there’s only one of me, I would say “really buddy? Cuz there’s only one of ME too”. GRRR!!! Oh hell NO, I feel PISSED.

    Alias Girl: I’ve fallen in the sex trap alot too. I wondered something about this not too long ago. I wonder if *I* am pushing the sexual aspect too much upfront and that sort of sets the tone for the relationship. I wonder if I hold off on being so sexual that the man grows to care for me more without it and once our relationship is established THEN we can be sexual. I tend to push the envelop a bit too soon (not sex necessarily but even just the flirting with it and / or talking about it). I don’t know if that’s happening with you but I thought I would mention because it happens to me too. Somehow in my brain, I’ve “learned” that having sex is how you keep a man. I’m only know realizing that couldn’t be farther from the truth. Great sex is just the icing on the Goddess cake. I love icing but I really want the WHOLE cake.

  152.  #152Cassandra on November 18, 2009 at 7:00 pm

    Sirens….again I find myself feeling sooooo far behind. I only get to jump on here now once in a blue moon as I have been so so very busy with my business and also doing some life coaching which is totally changing my entire life along with Rori, all of you and these wonderful tools. I feel so guilty that I am so far behind and not ‘in the loop’.

    This post really hit home for me too and……
    “The moment a man “gets” (and they’re much swifter about this than we think) – that we’re “into him,” he loses attraction for us.”
    …this really felt confusing for me too…Nikita. Daria….It felt like a light switch went on though when you stated that ‘I think Rori means Into him like more into him than into US.’ Does this mean that Rori was indeed talking about something new?

    Wow…Rori…I just came upon your post about that very thing. That felt really really helpful. I am noticing MONUMENTAL shifts in my own energy that feel great! I feel stunned…truly stunned that when Charles calls I don’t jump to get the phone….now….I even usually let it go to voicemail when in the past I would have jumped to answer it. It feels good to be UNavailable to him although I am also feeling that I am not really even thinking or focused at all on whether or not I hear from him. Most of the time lately …..when I do hear from him, I feel distant and empty during the conversation and when I get off of the phone I feel like I have to go and take a bath or shower right then! YUCK! I can feel myself moving further and further away from him each day and it feels great!

    Rori….I love this…..
    Until a man has DEMONSTRATED that he’s “into you” – demonstrating that you’re “into him” is an attraction buster. In all cases, your love must be in RESPONSE to HIS love, stated, implied, shown, through words, touch, any of the 5 Love Languages, any way you feel it. It’s the waterwheel. Your love goes BACK to him. It flows back. You are the source of love for you, and your man gets the overflow. The man

    This felt clear to me and like I ‘got it’! I have really been trying to stay in my feelings no matter what I am doing and using feeling messages in everything that I do. The gentleman that I had mentioned that I met on EHarmony and I are still talking and he calls several times daily and each conversation I am careful to stick to feeling messages ONLY and his responses feel amazing to me. It feels like of scary in that I have been so used to how Charles was with me but this feels so different….it feels good to know that the change is coming from ME. I feel alot of respect and care coming from him and I don’t ever remember putting ME first and being so in tune to how I feel about things in general & in life overall. In the past I would have been doing backflips just knowing that someone was paying me some nice attention. Not now. I do feel good about it ….definitely ….really good as a matter of fact but I am stopping for a moment and checking in with ME and asking ME …how does this feel? What are YOU feelings? It feels looking back as though I was on auto pilot for most of my life but I feel thankful that I am finally in tune to ME and what I want, don’t want and how I feel about things.


  153.  #153alias girl on November 18, 2009 at 7:59 pm

    thank you laughing goddess and simply shannon. sometimes the simple words of support or understanding or encouragement can offer great comfort.

    things are working out for me more and more and more every moment of every day. i’m going to focus on that. i am literally happier, healthier and more alive than i have ever been in my life. i feel grateful.

  154.  #154Tina on November 18, 2009 at 8:31 pm

    Alias girl, I feel really intense anger for those line jumping sex only takers. I dont feel good about men just wanting sex from me. I hear women get all totally excited about it, I feel awful about it. I dont like sex taking me blah! I am a sexy Goddess but yeah…

  155.  #155Daria on November 18, 2009 at 9:15 pm

    I feel angry muddy water. Pond can hold muddy water yeah.

  156.  #156Tina on November 18, 2009 at 9:16 pm

    I feel better than I did 40 mins ago, walking fast on my treadmill helped 🙂 I made a desire/universe stuff list, I was cleaning my basement, and the dust was making me sneeze, I desire a hepa filter vacuum cleaner 🙂 I do have an air cleaner down there, just I desire a vacuum that does the same thing kinda. I just started my desire list. I feel good about that. I feel good to sweat, I feel good about my rice, I”m going to feel great after a shower, I have to take it easy on the coffee,its more caffiene than I expected, fine grind woooohooooo kind.

  157.  #157Tina on November 18, 2009 at 9:17 pm

    Yes it can Daria, Your pond is just kinda stirred up 🙂

  158.  #158Daria on November 18, 2009 at 9:40 pm

    Man from dream called me. outta nowhere, first time ive heard from him since he went to jail. yay for my psychicness.

  159.  #159Daria on November 18, 2009 at 9:41 pm

    ie in a year

  160.  #160Tina on November 18, 2009 at 9:47 pm

    Holy! lol

    The Universe sent me a message saying ‘congratulations on taking the first baby step towards your new business , you shoould have asked for two! yipes Universe is freaking me out! ok its all good, breathe…

  161.  #161Tina on November 18, 2009 at 9:48 pm

    Daria, this is so weird but so awesome at the same time!

  162.  #162Daria on November 18, 2009 at 9:50 pm

    Hehe go Tina!

    Cassandra I feel excited to hear about your business!

    I feel so disappointed in myself about mine and not working on it all the time – trigger patterns-

    Now that I feel better men are starting to call and text me…

  163.  #163Tina on November 18, 2009 at 10:00 pm

    “The Universe” poked me heeee. I feel “monitered” by Truck man. Not so much by 5 day coffee date man but monitered, oh thats what I’ll put on my desire list A TRUCK! not a loaner but my own haha weeeeeee!

  164.  #164Daria on November 18, 2009 at 10:09 pm

    This bodyworker therapist guy is gonna work on me Friday… and they have a sliding scale… and he’s supposed to be Amazing ie heal most childhood issues in ONE session

  165.  #165Daria on November 18, 2009 at 10:09 pm

    ps i must feel im good enough because im asking people for sliding scale stuff regularly now and it feels like im honoring myself… when i DO have money i like being generous so thsi is a way of being generous to Myself

  166.  #166Tina on November 18, 2009 at 10:15 pm

    He said I am a “true Goddess” wow, was I glowing that much, to much!

  167.  #167gina on November 18, 2009 at 10:34 pm

    Jennifer F, it sounds really good that you stood up for yourself. I feel triggered by this bromance – I’m annoyed just thinking about it. Ugh. I feel a little sorry for your man cause it sounds like he’s trying to make everybody happy. It seems like you could really help him out by telling him exactly how you feel, without worrying about sounding desperate. you don’t sound desperate at all to me, so I hope you can be free of that worry and trust that your feelings are totally valid.

  168.  #168Lanny on November 18, 2009 at 10:38 pm

    I recently started circular dating, and so far it is feeling rotten. 🙁 The three guys I went out with (2 lunch, 1 coffee) fell head-over-heels for me, and they are calling, texting, writing me poetry, etc., but I do not feel at all the same way, so I feel bad for them because they are really nice guys. One guy (the coffee date) I said yes to a second date — he made dinner at his house, we watched a movie, then (maybe b/c of drinking wine for the first time in years) I had sex with him. It was nice, but I think it made him feel even more interested in me, and now I don’t know what to do. I answered two of his emails since then, and none of his phone calls. I also became very sick after the date b/c the alcohol reacted with my meds (and i told him that in an email.) I got this email from him tonight:
    “My week is okay. I feel terrible that you got sick. I’d like to do something this weekend, if you think you’ll be up to it maybe a short time Sat. or Sun. Go to a bookstore, etc. nothing strenuous. Let me know. Okay? With fondness, D.”

    The truth is, I don’t really feel like seeing him again, but I know that if the tables were turned — if I liked a guy who had sex with me and he never wanted to see me again, I would feel bad and used. I don’t want him to feel bad. But I’m not really into him. I am actually into a guy who lives 10 hours away, in another state. T. and I have been texting and emailing for three months now, and he says he is going to come see me as soon as he can. I am trying to stay open to other men, which is why I started circular dating — trying to get my mind and heart off T. But it is back-firing! My uncomfortable feelings I have about the guys I went out with who are now obssessed with me are making me feel MORE drawn to T b/c I feel comfortable with him and want to run towards that feeling of comfort, safety, happiness, fun, warmth, affection, GOOD feelings instead of the bad feelings I have with the other guys! So, b/c of feeling sick AND b/c of feeling uncertain about how to handle all this, I have not responded to T’s last two texts!

    So… 1. What do I do about D’s invitation to spend time together this weekend? 2. What do I do about texting T ?

    It would feel so much better if T and D would just switch places!!!

    It would feel good to hear advice from you all — I read so many of your comments and I feel such affection and camaraderie with you, and feel proud of you even though I’ve never met you!

  169.  #169Daria on November 18, 2009 at 11:18 pm

    amusing feel good Circular Dating conversation – man comes to Rori’s conclusion – with man who is into me that i’ve been on one date with:

    HIM:so are you looking to be in a relationship or do you jus like being single?

    ME: well i want to get married

    HIM: ok can we be in a relationship first?

    ME: mm
    ME: actually i dont want to be in a relationship thats not seriously heading for marriage

    HIM: well if you was in a relationship with me thats the ultimate goal i wanna get married and have kids

    ME: yes
    ME: yeah
    ME: well i dont want to be in a relationship until that time comes

    HIM: well im trying to date you and make u my gf and eventually my wife

    ME: ok
    ME: i dont want to be a girlfriend
    ME: im open to dating

    HIM: so what u jus wanna get married?

    ME: hmm
    ME: well when i feel its right yeah

    HIM: ok
    HIM: so let me get this you just don’t want the label of a gf but if we were dating you wouldnt cheat on me or date other people right

    ME: umm
    ME: well actually no i dont mean that
    ME: i mean i dont want to be exclusive with anyone
    ME: until im married or engaged

    HIM: ok ima jus have to marry you then lol
    ME: lol

  170.  #170Daria on November 18, 2009 at 11:27 pm

    ok theres more!


    ME: lol
    ME: well i feel a lil scared ‘
    ME: but i feel open to seeing u again

    okay because i feel scared i realized because im like whoa he likes me So much and I just think hes cool but not attracted to him at this point

    okay i just said the scariest shit in the world
    i feel scared im gonna break his heart but im doing my best to not worry about his feelings cuz its not the feminine partners job

    HIM: really scared why did i do something wrong

    ME: no

    HIM: so why are you scared so i dont do whatever i did the first time i dont wanna scare you off

    ME: no its good
    ME: mm
    ME: well i feel scared telling you this… it feels good that you like me and i feel flattered… and i also feel a lil overwhelmed… im not feeling like super attracted to you right now … im open to dating you and seeing how i feel… what do you think?

    kayyyy !!! big scarey!

    now he says

    HIM: yea thats fine
    HIM: im 2 big for you huh

    what do I say?

    I dono… i mean he is big and I don’t usually feel attracted to big guys

    I said:

    ME: I dono… maybe … i feel weird I dono wat to answer to that

  171.  #171Daria on November 18, 2009 at 11:28 pm

    what do you guys THINK?? anyone?? Goddesses….


  172.  #172Daria on November 18, 2009 at 11:39 pm

    ok now he says:

    HIM: jus tell me the truth i dont wanna waist your time or mine

    ME: mm well that feels bad… i dont think of wasting my time i feel angry …

    HIM: thats why im asking you to tell me i dont feel im waisting my time

    what do i say…

    heres what i said

    ME: hmm… i feel really awkward… i dont know what to answer … im feeling really uncomfortable being asked that…

  173.  #173Daria on November 18, 2009 at 11:42 pm

    omgosh this is like going uncomfortably OVERboardness… whoa stretch daria stretch

    HIM: ok im jus trying to find out if your into me thats all

    ME: well at this point i dont feel into you as i get that you feel into me… and that feels kinda scary… it feels good to be liked too… and im open to seeing you again … what do you think

  174.  #174Daria on November 18, 2009 at 11:46 pm

    now he says:

    HIM: i guess we jus have to go out on a second date

    ME: lol
    ME: ok
    ME: that feels cool

    ok what do you guys think of this? Rori? how is this… this feels like a big (big pun) haha get it. deal kina … im stretching my comfort level… of saying the truth without worrying of hurting ppl

    I went to a Goddess circle last week and the Goddess Kali basically saved me from a battlefield where i was fighting my worst enemy but i looked at him and he was just this scaerd BOY and i felt bad and didnt want to kill him,,, so i faltered and fell back and he was gonna kill me!

    so Kali made me really big and said i have to kill him, or else I’m going to be killed! and i said.. no i dont want to Kali MA and i was crying and shes made me HUGE until everyone was like ants… and i Did it i stepped on him and then i felt soooo sorrowful and she said i have to learn to be in my sorrow…

    but wow i guess a lot of whats holdin me back is my fear of hurting men that was a big message

  175.  #175Daria on November 18, 2009 at 11:54 pm


    Free public real UC Berkeley course webcasts… this one on Buddhist Psychology! muy interesting! click on webcasts andtheres more, anatomy, biology, engineering, etc…

    I’m watching the first one of Buddhist Psychology now:

  176.  #176alias girl on November 19, 2009 at 12:13 am

    daria wow wow super cool waaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyy stretching outside the comfort zone, indeed. the guy sounded totally hot and manly to me. yum. i almost thought he was going to duck and run for a minute but he said he wanted to keep dating. yes! i would totally go on date 2 just because it sounds like he has some cojones yet not too overbearing and i find that attractive. for me. other sirens may have a completely different take on the whole thing.

    yes! this siren mastermind is really something clever.

  177.  #177Daria on November 19, 2009 at 1:33 am

    Thanks AG… i feel so pleased to have free online college classes and to have your support on this convo!

    I feel glda that you got how this was a stretch for me hehe

    I feel understood

    I also feel called by lots of men lol

  178.  #178Tracy on November 19, 2009 at 2:20 am

    I feel Intrigued with the new guy….it would feel great to have someone all over me and ready to marry me…it would feel like a wonderful experience to explore….
    You go gal……

  179.  #179Daria on November 19, 2009 at 3:00 am

    Tracy thanks… except well i feel overwhelmed and not too turned.

    I am not into this guy, he is “big” and i usually like skinny guys. not only that but i feel insecure about this (im thinking he definitely feels insecure about it).

    like if he was totally secure about it who knows maybe i wouldnt have an issue with it…

    it also feels not too comfy because well we don’t know each other that well you know?

    i would say a mr. dispassionate

  180.  #180Linda on November 19, 2009 at 4:41 am

    Daria, just keep focused on what you want and see if he lines up.

    I have had lots of men come on hot and strong, say lots of things that are just like this. All I can say is time reveals the truth of words.

    Bubbles are beautiful and floaty and when the light catches them they have such pretty colors. I see mens words like these bubbles. Bubbles are beautiful but when you try to touch they pop and disappear. If this guys words are real they wont be like the pretty bubbles that pop and disappear.

    I dont actually get excited anymore when I have great emails or conversations like this. I actually feel tired of men blowing smoke up my….. well you know. But every time it happens I get better and better at BEING and communicating who and I, what I want and where I am going.

    I try to be warm and soft, girly on the outside, and strong and determined on the inside. Give this guy time to prove the reality of what he said and we will all be here to encourage you to be the beautiful Goddess you are. Maybe he will get to be with you. It is up to him.

    You go girl.


  181.  #181Flipper on November 19, 2009 at 5:27 am

    Daria, So go for the 2nd date already, and 3rd too, to Really find out. That sounded like a good point in the messaging to stop and go do something else. No use speculating endlessly thru text – he’s already said he’s willing to take the face to face risk, so trust he’s telling the truth and can handle Whatever comes out of it (which is His business). Goddesses don’t have to provide written disclaimers before bestowing a little of their time. Maybe that’s why Rori says not to spend hours in phone convos or weeks in text/email exchanges with guys – we just wind up wanting to dot all the i’s and figure Everything out in advance, from words. Won’t work – all the non-verbal stuff is missing, and it’s often the physical presence that gives the meaning or shows the truth of the words. Have fun on your date(s) xoxo.

  182.  #182Flipper on November 19, 2009 at 5:50 am

    Beautifully said, Linda. I feel the beauty of the bubbles, and then the astonishment and disappointment when they just go Pop! (I first typed poop – lol maybe that was Freudian!)

  183.  #183Tina on November 19, 2009 at 6:26 am

    Daria, whether he is your forever or not, I feel impressed about the way you handled the convo. Your awesome! I’ve had a similiar conversation with several men, the one who said “your a true goddess” his last question was something about what I wanted in a man, so I pulled out my well thought out desire man list and poof, I said it. The fact that I said it gave me a sense of a new normal for me, I was not without a little doubt, like what Alias girl said about waiting for him to take off lol, he cant handle it kinda thing, he didnt, not that it would have made a diff for me one way or the other, I felt um more strong on the inside yeah 🙂 I am not looking for a typical family situation because I have had my children and dont want any more. I kinda wouldnt mind adopting a little girl though at some point but that is not clear to me right now out of diapers of course and can already walk lol school age 🙂 . I have been a foster parent in the past so this is not new to me. Back to what you said now, time will tell if “big guy” is for you or not. I feel I havnt quite wrapped my head around the whole ‘girlfriend’ idea, ive never had the “be my girlfriend” convo yet, so I dont know how that would feel for me, it would make complete sense to me to (pre-rori) <<<<love that,like its a new philosophyhaha well it is so yeah anyway, I have not experienced that on the spot, face to face, convo, I wonder what that would feel like ?

  184.  #184Simply Shannon on November 19, 2009 at 7:23 am

    Daria: I feel so amazed and so proud! Wow! You spoke your true feelings the whole time. It felt great reading what you said!! Do you feel desire to go on a 2nd date? I might feel curious and go for no other reason than to see what happens. Maybe you’ll be surprised. Wow, wow, wow!

    Linda: Bubbles are exactly right! I feel distracted by the words sometimes because they sound so nice. I feel in agreement of the popping bubbles when the words don’t match the actions.

    Flipper: Loved your comment back to Daria. Trust he’s telling the truth about what he wants. It’s his business anyway. Thank you!

    So I feel curious about something. It feels a little awkward to me to say “I feel” all the time. What about “I see” or “this tastes” or “I hear”? I guess I’m wondering about using the other senses but not “I think”? It’s still about the body and not the mind. Ok, I feel goofy asking that. I want to expand feelings but maybe I need to state how I feel about what I’m seeing, tasting, smelling, touching. Hmmm. See now I feel confused again. I still feel limited expressing my feelings. What am I really feeling? “Good”, “bad”, “angry” “sad”. Those seem to be my standby feelings. It’s like I need to read a book of sentences with feeling messages just to figure out how to say what I believe I’m feeling inside. 🙂

  185.  #185DocK on November 19, 2009 at 7:34 am

    Hey SS – I had included this in a post before – it is a list of feeling WORDS (not sentences) but I know it has helped me to find more layers/depth to express my feelings.

  186.  #186Tina on November 19, 2009 at 9:12 am

    Thank you Dock for re posting, I’ll add it to my favs list.

  187.  #187Simply Shannon on November 19, 2009 at 9:16 am

    Dock: I’ve got that list saved in my favorites and I refer to it a lot actually. It has really helped just to remind of different words. Sometimes I’ll read through it and realize I’m feeling something different than what I originally thought. 🙂 Thank you!

  188.  #188Tina on November 19, 2009 at 9:17 am

    I feel optimistic and liberated! 🙂

  189.  #189Tina on November 19, 2009 at 9:19 am

    I feel frisky and free! 🙂

  190.  #190DocK on November 19, 2009 at 9:22 am

    I feel amused – with a big grin like an alligator LOL

  191.  #191Simply Shannon on November 19, 2009 at 9:29 am

    AG: I just clicked on your link (will post there later) but wanted to say YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL! I feel giddy seeing your face!! Smiles, smiles, smiles! You were beautiful to me anyway but I love seeing your face!! 🙂 I truly feel happy to see you! Thank you for sharing!

  192.  #192Jennifer on November 19, 2009 at 9:37 am

    Ok, Goddessess.
    I think I’m losing my last marble. I was at a sleep study last night. I don’t know why they call them that. The paste electrodes all over your head and then strap sensors to your chest and put nasal cannula up your nose and then want you to go to sleep. If you scratch your nose the tech comes rushing in to see if you’re breathing. I guess I got about three hours worth of sleep and the tech commented that I din’t hit REM until about an hour before she had to come to wake me up.
    Gee…ya think?
    Because I haven’t slept…and I left B and one of my patients died this week…my brain is a little out of focus. EFT did help last night but I still feel wierd. Like the lines aren’t lining up.
    Maybe I’m caffiene deficient. I’ve only had one cup.
    I feel worried about B.
    He tends to stuff his feelings. I know he’s hurting now and he has no buddies at the base he’s at. He anesthatizes. He uses porn and what not to not have to feel his feelings. Repression.
    I feel so sad
    Head down on the table, curl up in the corner sad.
    And I feel tense. Shoulders tight
    I miss the life we talked about. The house in the woods.
    The dog and the chickens and the cows.
    I feel worried about his nephews. They both have special needs and they are only 9 and 11. I’ve been thier aunt Jen longer than I haven’t. I worry they won’t understand.
    I think I got an email about someone posting to ask why the porn was a big deal…I can’t find the post anywhere but I’d like to answer the question.
    Because it was a secret. Another secret.
    I don’t have a problem with porn per se. With the caveat that no one is abused during the making of it. And I think if I saw kiddie porn I would commit murder. But as long as every one is of age and willing… prob.
    I took B to the adult video store several times. He didn’t engage. I tried to be a part of the porn experience. I’ve found him on the net surfing it and gone under the desk ( you all know what I mean) but he still hid it from me. Clicking windows closed frantically if he heard me coming down the hall. So it wasn’t the porn he was after really. It was the secrecy.
    It was also another symptom of the dishonesty. Dishonesty about facts as in lying to me and emotional dishonestly as in hiding himself from me. He refused to tell me about his first sexual experience. Or even talk about past relationships. Tell me how he felt about anything but the most surface of issues. He’s annoyed at the weather etc. Not about how it felt to have cancer as a child. Not about how he felt in the face of a controlling father etc.
    I couldn’t make a life with someone I felt I hardly knew. And my future children deserve a different kind of father.
    But I’m so sad. No one is one shade of any colour. He’s a great guy. Smart and funny and interesting. But he was never going to let me in. I was six years with my nose pressed against the glass waiting to be invited in. I could not take another day.

  193.  #193Simply Shannon on November 19, 2009 at 9:53 am

    Jennifer: You are amazing. Thank you for sharing your feelings on what the porn meant to you. I really felt understanding. (((HUGS)))

  194.  #194tinque on November 19, 2009 at 10:14 am

    Jennifer – Awesome sharing. you are SO right. It’s not the porn per se that is the problem (though it could be depending on his habits) but the secrecy around it. Secrets are potentially destructive to an intimate relationship. They will undermine it.

  195.  #195Tina on November 19, 2009 at 11:01 am

    Jennifer, I feel compassion and love for B, also I feel sorrow and grief for your break up and for your feelings your experiencing, I imagine feelings of torture and hopelessness is mixed in there somewhere. I feel you will find joy and happiness! Have faith and sometimes I wonder what will happen if I just let go of my last marble?

  196.  #196Tina on November 19, 2009 at 11:06 am

    I feel inspired about jens last marble… I know what that feels like 🙂

  197.  #197alias girl on November 19, 2009 at 4:37 pm

    oooh total cutie pie alert on my dating site.

    he emailed me first. yae!

    where’s my laser? where’s my cage? throw him in! Throw him in!!!! hahahahaaa. jk. ah, sort of. not really.

    hahaha. yes i am. i don’t want a caged cutie pie. i want a free cutie pie!!!!!

    i feel hopeful. 🙂 i feel warm.

    last night at church i asked one of the practitioners to pray for me. (I purposefully did it so i could practice Receiving.) And so i stand in line and it is my turn and i walk over to him and sit down, the whole time flashing my “i’m so together smile. ” and as soon as he asks me what i want him to pray for me I bust out into tears.

    “i want to be able to feel comfortable around people and get along with people, so i can have people in my life.” but it came out in high-pitched squeaks between deep breaths so he had to ask me to repeat it.

    i feel good today.

    i feel open.

  198.  #198Daria on November 19, 2009 at 5:32 pm

    aww Alias Girl how Cute! I feel like hugging you!!!

  199.  #199Tracy on November 20, 2009 at 12:42 am

    Yay Alias……I can resonate with that good feeling…
    I am enjoying my Universe right now…I feel owe at how things are slowly opening up….It feels good to receive love…i feel happy that i am enjoying the now and opening up to receiving…feels really good…

  200.  #200alias girl on November 20, 2009 at 2:15 am

    thank you daria! *hug* 🙂

    tracy that feels great. i feel great. opening and expanding and receiving. that is what i most would like to practice now. receiving. i feel things slowly opening up for me too. i feel grateful.

  201.  #201DocK on November 20, 2009 at 1:37 pm

    Yayyyy AG – cutie pie fun-time!!

  202.  #202Jennifer F on November 20, 2009 at 1:43 pm

    Simply Shannon and Gina,

    The Bro-mance annoys me too, but he is not gay… trust me. What it is, is this guy is a “professional” body builder, and he has asked “L” to train him, which “L” has taken to heart and is extremely flattered by. I do think he has a bit of a “man crush” on him, like hero worship, but nothing in a sexual nature.
    I did have a nice suprise though… that night I was sitting at home, and at 7:00 he showed up at my house uninvited and without calling first, and he hung out with me until he had to leave at 9 to do his gym thing. Then at 11 he started texting me while he was watching the show. I will truly be surprised if this happens next week, because he was bummed out that he had to leave, and even more bummed out that we couldn’t enjoy the show together at the same time. I stopped responding to his texts at 11:30, because I did not want him to think he could keep me up for a whole extra hour. I am standing my ground on the 10:00 time slot. Anyway… I felt really good that he decided to come over and spend time with me, without me guilt tripping him or making demands on him. I basically stated: You do what you want to do.. this is what I am doing. It is so funny, the more I sacrifice myself for the better good, the more I get walked over. But when I stand up for myself, even in the smallest ways, I get attention! Rori is so right… it still shocks me to realize all the things that I was doing wrong!
    I also shared with him that night, that I have been seeing someone else, and he took it really well, though he thought I was joking at first, because I have only had eyes for him for so long. I think it broke his secruity bubble. In the last 2 days, he has made it very clear that he is not happy about it. But he knows what he has to do if he wants to change that!

  203.  #203Simply Shannon on November 20, 2009 at 1:54 pm

    Jennifer F: Okay, I feel amazed. Wow! I feel so hopeful that this is a turning point. I feel proud of what you’ve accomplished so far!!

  204.  #204Cassandra on November 20, 2009 at 3:35 pm

    Daria & AG….Thanks for your posts and for your support. They felt good to read and I feel totally supported. I feel sad that I am so so far behind on this post/ blog and can only get here to read and or post here and there. I feel out of the loop and guilty that I can’t respond like I really want to. I am setting this weekend aside for ME and what I want to do other than pack for my trip. so it is my hope that I can get at least somewhat caught up. I am going back to VA for the entire week for Thanksgiving and again for 2 weeks over Christmas and New Year’s. I feel excited about that. BTW….I have not told Charles that I am going….I owe him no explanation. He has not asked and I am not offering. IF he asks, I will tell him otherwise…I owe him not. 🙂

    Tina….please forgive me if I am really off track here…I feel so out of it and behind on all of the posts but I think that I read that you are starting your own new business and freaking out about it? Did I get that right? If so…I felt like sharing my experience with that very thing in the spirit of encouragement. I was terrified of 1)going back to work for someone else that did not care about ME as a person and did not appreciate my work and 2) going back to doing something that I hated with a passion but was good at. My Mom and I took a HUGE leap of faith some months back and started our own business and as you can read from the few posts that I do get to post…I am so busy with our business I can’t see straight!! That is soooooo NOT a complaint! It is a great thing and a HUGE HUGE HUGE blessing for me and us!! I LOVE LOVE LOVE what I am doing and it is giving me time with my Mom that I may not have had otherwise and I am working for ME, for my family and doing something that end of the day brings me so much joy to know that I am helping people. I hope that I read your post correctly cuz if I goofed then I wrote this all in vain but I wanted to encourage you to step out there and know that you will not fall. I feel so excited now about my future with regard to work/ career/ finance. Our clients are right around the corner and I can’t wait to see what wonderful things are also right around the corner! I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that this is going to continue to take off like wildfire! I feel excited about you starting your own business and being able to do something that you love. If I totally missed your post or mis-read it…please forgive me.

    Sending much love to all….xoxo

  205.  #205Uschi on November 21, 2009 at 11:10 am

    This is just so appropriate for all of us – don’t you think

    Happy Thanksgiving to all of you Goddesses out there







    and don’t we all have something to be thankful for – Rori and this blog and all of the nice women here

  206.  #206jackie on November 22, 2009 at 7:17 am

    hi rori i read about your e book but i would like to purchase a copy in real book form but dont know where to get one from could you let me know thanks

  207.  #207Aldonza on November 23, 2009 at 11:55 am

    Just subscribing

  208.  #208Rori Raye on November 23, 2009 at 4:10 pm

    So sorry, Jackie, I used to send out in paperback, but no more – way too hard on my end. The ebook looks exactly like the original paperback – just print it out chapter by chapter, punch holes in a 3-ring binder, and you can WRITE all over the empty space on the pages…..Love, Rori

  209.  #209Rori Raye on November 23, 2009 at 5:01 pm

    Soul, Welcome, and this is a GREAT question…I might jump off into a post on this. For now…there are two sides to this relationship and connection and attraction thing. One is Boundaries, and the other is Surrender. (That’s why I call my philosophy “Strong Surrender.”) You want to not tolerate crap, and so you are Strong on the Inside, and yet you want to open up your heart completely – at all times. That’s the Soft on the Outside. You are talking about being a typical (like I was) “cactus.” Modern Siren is all about how to undo this and reverse it. Start with the ebook, though – so you have the basic Tools of Feeling Messages, the Four Rules, Listening at Level 2 —- and read here on the blog about Vulnerability and Authenticity. You’re about to change your life! Love, Rori

  210.  #210Rori Raye on November 23, 2009 at 5:10 pm

    Lanny – you’re going to want to hear my interview with Lisa Steadman in January in my monthly interview series – we tackle this, and she tells us about her husband. Here’s the issue for you – YOU are so terrified of intimacy and of being loved that you cannot feel anything for a man who likes you and is good to you – you only have feelings for a man who is far away. Not responding to the texts of ANY man is terribly self-destructive, defended, and NOT what I want for you. You are clearly a woman with a huge charge on “guilt” (as do most of us)…and learning to do this dating thing and have FUN is your job right now. Stop worrying about these men, tell them all that you’re just “dating” and having fun – so you can be totally truthful – and be a girl and RESPOND when asked. Having sex so soon with a man you hardly know and don’t even like – isn’t that a clue to you that you’re not loving yourself hard enough? Love, Rori

  211.  #211Aldonza on November 24, 2009 at 7:13 am

    Stop feeling guilty. They are nice guys that you should treat with respect and honesty, but that doesn’t mean you owe each and every one of them your heart. If a man treats you nicely and wants to spend time with you and you mostly enjoy that time, you should see him. If you don’t feel comfortable sleeping with him again…don’t. You can say something like, “I don’t feel comfortable sleeping with you again now.” No explanations necessary.

    As far as “T” is concerned, it’s not a real relationship. Rori is right. You’re scared of a real relationship that the online/text thing seems safe and good. It’s not. It’s a mirage. Until T shows up in your doorstep offering more than texts and emails, he isn’t real. He’s a fantasy you’re creating in your head. How can any real man compete with that?

  212.  #212Michelle on November 24, 2009 at 8:34 am

    Ok…I feel angry.

    I have been dating a guy for a few months now. Things are not serious and I am circular dating and he knows this. We are taking it VERY slow. I dont normally lean forward at all, and he always initiates our plans and contact etc. I decided Sunday night to ask if he wanted to watch a movie that he had asked me about. He told me that he was having an early Thanksgiving with his family and wasnt sure when he would get home but he would let me know. He did let me know about 2 hours later that he was home and wasnt in the mood for that movie but that he would still like me to come over if I wanted and watch something else. So I went and while we were there we talked about a movie that has just come out in theatres that we both wanted to see and he said he didnt want to go see it alone so I said I would go with him and asked when he wanted to go. He said that he works Tues and Weds night, and is going to be with family Thurs night and is leaving Friday to go out of town with those family members through the weekend so that Monday night (last night) would be the only night he could go but that he would let me know for sure the next day. So I said ok, and he even told me as I was leaving that he would let me know about the movie. When he did I asked him to let me know before 5 if he could and he said “oh you need to make back up plans or something” in a very joking way, he teases like that. I said that it wasnt just that but that the movie had been selling out and we may need to get tickets early. So, Monday afternoon rolls around and I hadnt heard anything….5 o’clock passes and still nothing, 6 o’clock…7 o’clock and still nothing. At this point I am feeling very frustrated and so I email him and try to be lighthearted and funny and say “Whats the Dill pickle?”…and he responds with “Headed to BWWs w-ben for a brew”…..

    So at that point I was really annoyed and still trying to keep my cool so i said “Cool deal…you wanting to do the movie later or you stayin out?” and after I sent that I went and made other plans and didnt even check my mail. I didnt check it til later that night and saw that about an hour after I sent that he responded with “Lets go next week.”

    I have not responded to that yet. I honestly dont know what route to take and what to say…..


  213.  #213Rori Raye on November 24, 2009 at 10:03 am

    Michelle – how old are you and he? This just sounds very, very young. Please keep on Circular Dating until you have a full schedule and the men just fit themselves in around you. When a man starts to pursue you for a “relationship” you’ll know how that feels – it will be romantic, it will be headed somewhere, he will know what he wants and that will be YOU. This sounds more like “hanging out” – and I would advise you NOT to go to a man’s house and watch a movie. He should come to you, if you’re spending the evening in…and if the problem is roommates….now’s the time to figure out how to do that…Love, rori

  214.  #214Michelle on November 24, 2009 at 11:39 am

    Thanks for your quick response Rori.

    He is 26 and I am 23.

    He is a cop and he owns his own house and I do have a roomate. The reason I go there to hang out or watch movies is because he is the one that asks and I didn’t know how to have him at my place without leaning forward. So I dont ask him over.

    Maybe the joking like comments make us seem younger?

    We do hang out a lot but he does act romantic…cooks dinner, plans things etc. His brother was there for a while Sunday night and he would be affectionate in front of his as well. We have talked and he has said he doesnt want a title right now.

    What should I say to him in response to his email? Or do I even respond? I want to get across to him that although hes never done something like that before that its not ok with me to have him tell me he will do something and then not do it, but without nagging him about it….

  215.  #215Aldonza on November 24, 2009 at 7:31 pm

    You don’t respond to the email. He said “next week” that leaves the ball still in his court to firm up plans.

    You can’t tell a man that he dropped the ball. The only way they really “get it” is when they lose out on seeing you because they dropped the ball.

    I’ve learned to not let men hook me for any date without a firm commitment. None of this “I’ll call you”, leaving me hanging. Until it’s a set date and time, I’m making my own plans.

    Rori has it right. This man doesn’t want “titles”, it means he doesn’t really want a relationship. Do not put all your eggs in this basket. Date around. Be busy with wonderful men who go out of their way to please you and lock in your precious time. You’re 23 and just about at the height of your physical appeal to men. Don’t let any of them steal years of that from you.

    Lastly, my comment on the cop thing. I’ve dated a few cops and they are tricky. There are exceptions, but as a profession, they like to be in control. They also have built-in sex appeal from the authority figure/uniform appeal. They deal with the public daily and have women hitting on them. You have to lean *way* back with a cop to let him know that you aren’t just another one of his badge bunnies that hop to his beat.

  216.  #216Aldonza on November 24, 2009 at 7:34 pm

    I’m also not as convinced about Rori’s “don’t go to him” advice. I get what she’s saying about “they should come to you” but I also like the way he’s forced to play “host” when I visit him. When men visit me, I feel flustered and judged by my housekeeping skills and the need to play hostess.

    I prefer men to take me out. Or have him come pick you up and bring you to him. That would work.

  217.  #217Daria on November 24, 2009 at 10:56 pm

    oh gosh aldonza that feels horrible to read that at 23 michelle would be at the top of her physical appeal…

    id feel better imagining there is no top, just a big wave of beauty

    i actually feel shaky and kinda angry… whoa@!

  218.  #218Michelle on November 25, 2009 at 6:57 am

    Aldonza, your response really confirmed what I was thinking. I never did respond to him and I dont plan on it. If he wants to make plans he will contact me. I went on a date last night with one of the guys in my circle (that I’m not really feeling it for, but trying to give him a chance and “practice”) and we had a good time. I’m filling in my days and making plans.

    You are right. I really cant tell him how he dropped the ball. There just will be no next time for that with me. If he tells me again that he will “let me know” something or confirm plans later I will just let HIM know that I dont feel comfortable with that and if he would like to make plans it should be in advance. I wont be waiting for a phone call. I guess its just hard for me to only keep it as a mental note. I want to say something to him the next time we speak but I know it wont do me any good.

    I feel the same way you do with the whole “play hostess” thing if a guy comes to me. It is nice having them do the work at their own place. I feel like it would be hard for them to plan out the evening if you are in your own house.

    Daria, I didnt want to skip over your comment although I cant speak for Aldonza, Im sure that it was not meant to offend anyone. I took it as…these years are good and not to let a man steal them away because looking back you may realize it and feel that you missed out.

  219.  #219Aldonza on November 25, 2009 at 8:34 am

    I mean that as only physical appeal. It’s a sad fact that our biology programs men to be most physically attracted to women who are at the height of their fertility. It angers and triggers me too because it feels like I can’t win. That said, I get much more male attention now, as a slightly overweight 41yo than I ever did as a normal weight 23yo. Fortunately, physical attractiveness is only one component of it.

    Keep your rotation hopping. Date out of type. Date men who are at risk for falling head over heals for you. Even if you aren’t completely attracted to them, take the time to really *feel* how they are attracted to you. It completely changes your energy when you feel attractive to men. It reminds you in subtle ways that you do not have to put up with less than stellar treatment from any one man.

  220.  #220tinque on November 25, 2009 at 9:11 am

    “oh gosh aldonza that feels horrible to read that at 23 michelle would be at the top of her physical appeal…
    id feel better imagining there is no top, just a big wave of beauty”
    YES! YES! YES!
    I totally and absolutely agree with Daria on this one Aldonza.
    Yes it is true that women in their twenties are at their most fertile, and in that, biologically SOME men are more attracted to that, but I disagree that the women are at their most physically appealing stage in life.
    You said it yourself. You receive MORE attention now, and that is because you are evolving and growing into your sensuality, your goddessness. AWESOME.
    That inner something intangible is FAR more attractive and ATTRACTING than a cute face and figure with nothing much underneath all that.
    There are numerous older women who look amazing too, but that’s not what a REAL man looks for or even looks at. It’s the whole package which is mostly about the goddess spirit.
    So please, never ever tell yourself that your as you put it slightly overweight 41 year old being is anything but fabulous, gorgeous, and hugely sexy.

  221.  #221Jennie on November 30, 2009 at 7:57 pm


    I’m new to your blog – but have been trying to be a Rori girl for the past three years. I feel like I”m very close. I can see it in the relationships I’ve had. I recently met the man of my dreams – I can feel it in every bone of my body. But the one that lets me know this could really be it is the WAY i am around him. I take compliments well, smile, there is trememdous eye contact, I don’t call, I talk from my feelings, I don’t ask questions, he knows I’m dating others. The problem is this – he’s not moving it along. We see each other on Friday or Saturday (some of these have been casual ‘hey are you out?’ then he’ll come meet me where I am). We always have THE MOST amazing time. We have not had sex. I have told him I don’t feel ready – that it’s not him and I don’t feel sex is bad I just don’t feel safe enough to go there yet. So, it’s been another week that I haven’t heard from him and I’m questioning what to do the next time I see him. I want to say – “I feel conflicted..I feel so wonderful when I’m with you. You make me feel special and beautiful. But then I feel like I don’t matter and I don’t want to feel that way.” What do you think?
    It’s only been a little over a month (although we did go on a date over a year and a half ago) so I don’t know if I”m pushing it. The thing is when I’m with him I’m not feeling bad – I feel wonderful so I’m not supressing anything. It’s just when I don’t hear from him after a few days that I feel disappointed and impatient. When do you say something and when do you keep to your boundaries and hold on?
    Please help! 🙂

  222.  #222Rori Raye on November 30, 2009 at 9:56 pm

    Jennie – a month is way to soon to panic…give it some time and PLEASE keep dating other men…Love, Rori

  223.  #223maggie on December 5, 2009 at 3:48 am

    You are the most amazing, inspiring,wonderful woman. It has taken me 49 years, one dead husband, and a lifetime of systematic sexual abuse to realise that something was wrong with me – with the way I viewed my self in these relationships. Your words, your empowering being, has given me the courage to face the dating world again and this time, know that its me that counts. Me me me…. Thank you from my heart, Rori. When I save up the money I need, I will be purchasing all your incredibly valuable tools. You have given me new hope. Thank you, Blessed Be. marg xoxoxox

  224.  #224Rori Raye on December 5, 2009 at 1:42 pm

    Maggie, Welcome, and thank you for the beautiful words…I so look forward to hearing more from you. Love, Rori

  225.  #225Em on December 12, 2009 at 3:45 pm


    I feel confused with some of the advice in the siren programme. or maybe just confused 🙂 I was married for ten years to a very nice man, he had the femine energy and I had the masculine energy. I fell out of love. I ended the marriage last year. I struggled financially (and still am) but it was so worth it to be free. I now recognise I was opinionated and bossy, since using feeling messages with my ex, like I feel vunerable and I feel embarrased to ask, I don’t want to keep chasing you for money as it makes me feel bad, he’s been so responsive to me, but I find when I’m feeling angry I revert back to bossy, angry, defensive and he storms out. I have dated a couple of guys since and was so used to getting attn from my ex I have almost arrogantly expected them to give me the same, they fizzel after a couple of dates as I think I’m so used to talking future as I did with my ex(i.e well when we go out again eek) I’ve had one guy email me every other day for two months but not connect, so after reading the ebook I said I feel I need to stop communicating and he said thats exactly what I wanted you to say. I haven’t mailed or heard since. The next guy only txt’d late at night but was a real charmer saying things like you are beautiful, I’ve always liked you, would make arrangments and then cancel at the last min, really effected my self esteem and I still find I txt him if I haven’t heard from him, I now realise he’s toxic, tho keep trying to recover my pride for chasing him a bit, that feels icky. I felt really vunerable and like I’m doing it all wrong. So I joined and have connected with two guys using feeling messages, one is nice, responsive to feeling messages (tho I feel silly saying I feel all the time!) and we’ve arranged a date, the other said your really cute, so I said I feel good that you think I’m cute and he came back with that’s good but why are you so insecure about your looks?? I was really shocked that he interpreted that feeling message as an insecurity. I said lol I’m not insecure about my looks as I said it feels good that you think I’m cute. He is a high earner, and said he gets people only interested in him for that. I felt judged, I left it a week and he emailed me asking if I was on match shopping for cute guys, i said yes I maybe and it’ll be a long shop because I’m fussy (I was trying to impress and be a smarty pants), he didn’t respond but stayed online so I mailed again saying I feel attracted to you, I feel passionate and I feel happy to say that. He responded saying I feel attracted to you too, your lips etc and I am passionate too. So now I’m thinking 1) I am struggling financally and am worried he’ll think I’m just on the gold dig, which I’m not 2) have I just made the prize sex? should I have mailed again? and 3) when he said why are you interested in me I was lost for words with such a direct question. Also I figure I’m quite attractive but hate my teeth and worry that these guys will too, and that makes me feel super vunerable. I’m struggling with not chasing (which feels cold) and then being warm, it’s so easy to revert back to bad habits and be the masculine energy. I feel I need help.

    Thanks Em

  226.  #226Rori Raye on December 14, 2009 at 8:49 pm

    Wow, Em – you’re having breakthroughs all over the place! You are going about this exactly right – and you’re working to do a complete 180 – of course it’s challenging! You have to experiment, engage, experience all these new things with men – out in the field. It will start to fall into place, you’ll start to make sense of men and how you relate to them…just keep writing it all down like this….you’re doing great. Love, Rori

  227.  #227ABC on April 2, 2010 at 2:07 pm

    Hi Rori,

    Thank you for the post. I think this is so familiar to many of us- the man chases you then he gets you then he backs off. It certainly has become more of a pattern of my past and current relationships.

    I agree with you that strategies don’t work with men and that whenever he backs off we need to focus on ourselves. you also said that “The moment a man “gets” (and they’re much swifter about this than we think) – that we’re “into him,” he loses attraction for us. ”

    but isn’t that a natural thing? when we are in love, we are “into” each other. we care for each other. if we pretend that we don’t care, isn’t that kind of fake and “fear of intimacy” on our part? If we aren’t needy or disparate, and he still backs off, is that a sign of a red flag in the man that he can’t commit and he just likes to chase?? How do you know??

    this is my current situation, where he seemed to be so caring and committed in the beginning, now he just gets busy with work, but i know that he was busy to begin with, but back then I was his priority. Now he told me he needed time to figure things out and that he doesn’t expect me to wait while he does this. I learned from your program reconnect that we supposed to tell him he has all the time to figure out what he wants, then we get our life back, and date other man…I’ve been doing that and now he completely backs off because i told him I don’t want a man to be text and email i want him in my life, he still asks me out on dates but he just doesn’t seem “into” me like before.

    I am in a dilemma, I am a busy girl and I do have a life and he is not the center of my life. While all these held true, he still is drifting off, and finally we talked, and he needed space, so I backed off. I am open to all the possibilities of all the men out there, but I don’t want this to be a pattern, how can we turn it into a real dance where we feel more in control and what a man does he does, but he no longer affects us even though we are deeply in love??


  228.  #228Daria on April 2, 2010 at 2:20 pm

    ABC – something sounds off:

    I am a busy girl and I do have a life and he is not the center of my life. While all these held true, he still is drifting off, and finally we talked, and he needed space, so I backed off.

    what do you mean you backed off! Where were you backing off from? this sounds like you were leaning forward before…

    because a man that only calls you, you dont call him, he asks you out to dates when he wants to, simply can’t “need space”. he has all the space in the world!

    so i’m thinking there was overfunctioning and leaning forward on your part

    About being into him. it’s cool to be into him, as long as we’re not MORE into him than into OURSELVES

    i saw this image last nite

    it was like being two fires. next to each other. The fire burns from the ground up, in a circle, and makes a big flame.

    now theres two big flames burning next to each other.

    now – in a relationship the two flames Merge. theres an area in the middle they extend into and fill, that is both of them.

    But if one of the flames jumps OUT of its ground and gives All its power to the middle, it actually loses itself and gets really weak!!

    the flame actually needs to develop its heat from the ground up to have more for the relationship

  229.  #229Feranna on January 4, 2013 at 8:47 am

    Hi I know this is an old post but I am just reading through all your articles and posts and this info makes so much sense to me. I am so grateful to have found this as I am newly divorced and have never dated before so I need guidance.
    I have a question about a specific statement you wrote here that as soon as a man knows I am “into him” he gets turned off. Well, how do we share our authentic good loving feelings with a man and be vulnerable with him if we know that dooms his attraction to us? Don’t men feel good to have someone love them too?

  230.  #230Rori Raye on January 4, 2013 at 12:01 pm

    Feranna – It’s all in the “where am I coming from” – meaning – if I like him, how does that show up, and do I have an agenda about it? Or am I just happy liking him – the way I would a friend? It’s all about love vs. need and desperation – and when we get “into” a man – sometimes those lines blur and our vibe and behavior works against us. Love, Rori

  231.  #231Heart on March 20, 2013 at 7:08 am

    Ps – I feel Relieved I didn’t lean forward & write him…now when I read the letter I was intending to send…I cringe…I was definitely operating from a place of Fear.