Strong On the Inside and Soft On the Outside – How it Works

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flowerheartJust got this letter from Cami – who’s having a great experience:

“Hi Rori,
Just wanted to check in with you. So last night we had a very good night for the most part. But a lot of it I have to attribute to where I am right now. I feel more centered and strong.

I have also started doing yoga again more regularly and just taking care of ME more. I know I have a looong way to go to get to where I want to be, but I am working on it.

I am finding the leaning back tool to be very very helpful. We met after my yoga class at my favorite sushi restaurant and sat at the bar. It was so nice to just sit next to him and talk and enjoy. But there were a many times when I felt myself trying to lean in, to lead, to do, to fill the spaces. I wanted to see what would happen if I didn’t initiate and it worked like magic.

He was literally leaning in, draping himself on my, taking my hand, hugging me BUT even better being so connected with his communication.

We have never had a problem with our physical life, but I can say that even there I feel a huge change – that I did not even know was missing.

We are just more connected. At least, I feel much more connected. Maybe a lot of this comes from me. What I project on to him and the situation. I don’t know.

We did have one tense moment(which I will write you about tomorrow…too tired for details tonight) but even then I practiced using feeling messages and altering my body stance.

Side note on body stances: What amazes me is that the most challenging for me is the body stances!!! When I read about you talking about dance position or holding your hands out I have to say I always thought to myself, “oh well I do that anyways….that’s easy!”

I thought the feeling messages and the rules(which are still nearly impossible for me) would be the hardest. But the open body positions are so challenging!

When I get defensive or hurt, I tense up, I clutch my face, my mouth, my arms come right over my chest and if I am in bed I am usually sitting up clenching a pillow.

Trying to release and be open when I am frustrated or upset is so HARD because I feel so exposed and vulnerable. I thought as an artist it would be easy for me to do this! After all I am used to trying to access those emotions and show them.

But in fact with him (and come to think of it maybe in all relationships) it is very difficult for me to do when I am feeling hurt or upset.

I was so aware of it yesterday and I tried to breathe and open up, literally starting with my clenched hands and the results were almost immediate.

He softened and reached out towards me immediately. It was amazing.

Thank you, Cami

Posted in


  1.  #1Linda on July 24, 2014 at 9:02 am

    It is probably supposed to be encouraging to read stories like this. I however feel discouraged.

    Maybe I am not really stuck , just on pause…and maybe I am much further down the road than I feel. Maybe I am closer to the relationship I want than ever before. Maybe it truly is as another male (whom was interested in seeing me that I turned down because I was not attracted to him at all) says “that I dodged a big bullet” and was very wise in ending things with P.
    I dont doubt that it was a good move.

    Its just I dont feel closer just relieved I am not dealing with all the stuff anymore… just so I can have some good things I enjoyed. As I look around me…the scenery all looks the same.

  2.  #2Azure Blu on July 24, 2014 at 10:44 am

    You are EXACTLY where you’re supposed to be at this moment… You HAVE taken a HUGE step…
    lots of Pats on your back for taking such good CARE of YOU!!!
    I know it doesn’t always seem sooo good when things are NOT feeling good!!!

    I woke up this morning feeling very discouraged also…
    Another night alone…
    Spiritcd, who I won’t let myself get too close to, is NOT the one…
    and I have SOOO much I NEED to take care of in MY everyday life… It’s overwhelming!!!

    Good thing… I got a call from a client that uses my design work off and on… needed a super fast project!!
    That did make me feel tons better…

  3.  #3Helena Hart on July 24, 2014 at 11:15 am

    Linda – 1- I agree with Azure Blu: “You HAVE taken a HUGE step…lots of Pats on your back for taking such good CARE of YOU!!!”

    I’ve found that Rori’s “radical accepting” really helps when you’re feeling discouraged – saying to yourself things like, “I haven’t made any mistakes…Everything that’s happened is perfect in the scheme of the universe…Things are unfolding the way they’re supposed to…” – and embracing, accepting, and loving every single feeling that’s coming up in you (even the feelings of frustration and discouragement).

    Love, Helena

  4.  #4IamHis on July 24, 2014 at 11:37 am

    Went on my first online coffee date today! Talk about feeling terrified! I met him on Tinder, which for some reason feels embarrassing. Still getting used to feeling okay with the online thing.

    We met at a coffee shop that he suggested. I tried to talk about how I felt there, but it felt difficult. I honestly felt more nervous than I have felt in a long time, and I felt somewhat terrified!

    he met me at the door with a smile and a side hug. (I’m big on side hugs with guys I don’t know very well because I’m well-endowed and don’t feel comfortable with frontal hugs right away.)

    He smelled good. 🙂

    He looked good, too. 🙂

    He bought us coffees and we sat across from each other at bar tables.

    At some point he asked if I had ever been married, and i joked and said, “Actually I am married, but we’re in an open relationship.”

    His face was hilarious! I said “just kidding” pretty quickly. He laughed. 🙂

    We talked for two and a half hours. It felt a little awkward at first because he wears glasses and he was facing the window, so there was a glare.

    It took me a little while to lean back and relax, but once I did, he seemed to become more relax and interested himself.

    I guess he liked me, because he asked me to meet him for a movie this weekend!

    Meeting him in the middle feels safest right now.

    As the date was ending I told him how completely nervous I felt at first because I’d “never met a stranger from Tinder” before.

    He said I was his first “Tinder meet up” as well.

    It felt scary to tell him how inexperienced I am, and it felt scary to tell him that I’m picky and accidentally fell in love with one of my best friends several years ago, but that I’ve never really been serious with anyone.

    He seemed really sweet and non-judgmental about it, though, which felt comforting.

    I feel nervous and vulnerable, but also brave and proud. I feel a little tight in my chest and neck, because it seems like I keep having to talk about sensitive family issues with my extended family, regarding my nuclear family.

    Always makes me feel a little shaky and scared and little-girl like.

    I feel proud of myself, though.

    Had a really good session with my therapist yesterday.

    I feel like such a little girl. but she feels safe, happy, and eager to grow. I accept and love my little girl, and I feel excited for the confident woman I want her to become. I’m being patient with myself, and that feels good.

  5.  #5Indigo on July 24, 2014 at 11:51 am


    I know it is really easy to feel like you aren’t moving forward, and that every situation which doesn’t work out like you wish it would have is a setback, but it isn’t so. Think of all the cherished memories, all the love, you get to take with you from your relationship with P. Think of all the things you’ve learnt. You will not ever find that same situation as challenging ever again because you’ve already been through it.

    The way I look at my life is that I get taken through situations in order to learn what I need to in order to be ready for the next one, which will be more suited to me. I may take a step to the side here and there, but I’m always healing and learning. And one day, one of those situations will stick, and make me happy enough that I want to stay.


  6.  #6Ignis on July 24, 2014 at 12:50 pm

    I just realized something. I have been following the blog and programs since almost two years. I know what I need to work on, and I know I did a lot already. I hire better men now, and I hired myself to be better to myself. Though after third heartbreak since then I just did to myself (with a really good man for once) I came to a point when each time I try to practice any of the tools I hear this scream inside me: I just wanna stop thinking! I feel just exhausted really. There is only this shredding the armour tool that makes me feel anything, rest just goes to numbness. I feel I will be somehow ok at the end of this, but the more I practice the tools the more unsure of myself I feel lately. I woke up today after two hours of sleep crying with this “I just want to stop thinking” scream in my head. And I have no clue what all this is about anymore. And it doesn’t even feel like me. Before I could always find some clues at the blog post archive, now I think I read entire blog in the past days and nothing spoke to me. I feel I lost myself somewhere between the tools.

  7.  #7April Rose on July 24, 2014 at 2:59 pm


    That is great if the ‘shedding the armour’ tool is working for you. (Tho’ I’ve never heard of that one and would love to share in it).

    Whenever I get into a muddle I usually ony remember one tool.

    I seem to remember ladies on here, and Rori herself, saying work one tool at a time, don’t try and remember lots of them at once.

  8.  #8IamHis on July 24, 2014 at 3:03 pm

    ((((Ignis))) – how do you feel? You feel exhausted. Sink into that exhaustion. What else do you feel? Do you feel sad/scared/angry? Do you feel trembly? Seems there’s a lot going on inside of you. Do you feel afraid to feel?

  9.  #9Azure Blu on July 24, 2014 at 5:03 pm

    Ohhh darling Siren. Put your loving arms around yourself and gently give yourself a longggg hug..

    Like IAMHis mentioned…
    Feel your feelings… bring those feelings close and lovingly sit them next to you and talk to them, and love them…

    I have felt this very thing a few months ago…
    I realized it was just before major shifts in ME started taking place…
    I was loving ME more and all of the tools were working and (subconsciously) I was letting go of the OLD ME and the NEW ME was fighting her way through the soup!!!
    I remember feeling soooo confused and out of MY BODY!! My skin was literaly tingly for days…

    Maybe you can relax as best you can and KNOW…
    this is a sign that YOU are going through MAJOR
    changes… It does get MUCH better.

  10.  #10Kyla on July 24, 2014 at 7:13 pm

    I’m still becoming aware of my defensive stances, no matter how much I think Im open and using open body language. Sometimes I just do not see how Im closed off and pushing away people’s attempts at giving me love. I will find myself feeling angry, confused, upset and then suddenly notice my body is stiff as a board, arms crossed or tight against my sides, pulled away from the person in front of me, face scrunched into an angry glare.. Totally unapproachable and defensive and closed off to them. Thankfully being aware means I can let go, sigh, relax my body, sink into my feelings and usually I will start sobbing uncontrollably as all the tension is released. Being aware lets me choose a new position. My defences are automatic but I can choose to let them down.

  11.  #11Kyla on July 24, 2014 at 7:20 pm

    ((((Ignis)))) whats hiding under the feeling of exhaustion? Tiredness, depression, anxiety and numbing are lids for the unpleasant feeling feelings hiding underneath. Have you tried riffing? Thats my all time favorite tool, I journal and even use it in my head all the time when Im feeling bad to get deeper into whats really going on with me before I decide if I want to share my feelings with someone. It helps me get clear on my underlying ‘stuff’ thats getting triggered by surface ‘stuff’. Its pretty cathartic and the stuff that comes up for me can be surprising.

  12.  #12prplpsn28 on July 24, 2014 at 7:24 pm


  13.  #13prplpsn28 on July 24, 2014 at 7:24 pm


  14.  #14Linda on July 24, 2014 at 7:30 pm

    Thank you for your words of encouragement.

    Radical acceptance ?…. I can do that. I embrace my journey and honor the decisions I have made.

    I am just going to rest in that for a while.

  15.  #15Violette on July 24, 2014 at 8:48 pm

    I feel tired and sick. I got a couple of texts from S this week…saying how are you, and I’m thinking of you. And one missed call with no message. And…because he never followed up on going out tonight, I had hopes he would just not call again.

    But he did, he called to ask when he could see me again. And I broke up with him.

    And he said all kinds of things that pissed me off.

    First, he asked where I was, every time I’m on the phone with him he asks where I am. None of his business! Who cares! I’m in the middle of saying hello here!

    Then, he says he knows I’m mysterious. I really hate that, because he means it as a put down. He won’t admit it, but of course he always wanted to “know me better.” I would always say, I’m right here, what do you want to know!

    I told him I didn’t feel comfortable with the sexual part and that it wouldn’t get better. I mean, what’s up with him wanting it to “improve?” Why would bad sex improve? I mean, I get it if it’s…the first time is awkward, but this is ridiculous.

    The worst was when he actually asked me if in other relationships it was normally good. I got mad at him. I told him of course it was if that was what he wanted to hear. He said don’t get mad, he’s just trying to know me.

    What a jerk!!!!!!!

    I feel so angry and agravated and sick. I hate him.

    I don’t know if I broke up with him right…he wanted to talk about it, but what the heck is there to say, you are a bad lover!

    He volunteered that it had never happened to him before, and I can’t imagine a woman in the world who would enjoy a man pressing his lips really hard into her teeth!

    I had expected the breakup to be more sad, not to feel this angry…

    I feel belittled. Talked down to. I wish I’d been meaner, just told him the hard truth, that I hated the way he touched me and that he had no idea what was going on with me when we were in bed. Made it all about him. I regret being so nice and “sparing his feelings.”

    I think he was being a jerk, I don’t know for sure, or if I just react badly to everything about him.

    Thank you for all the comments on my last post. It really feels good to know that I was heard. I long for a friend I can talk to in real life about things this intimate, that I can actually trust to not be jealous or snooty. And it means so much to read the comments here.

  16.  #16prplpsn28 on July 24, 2014 at 8:54 pm

    Hi. Signing in to new post 🙂

  17.  #17Violette on July 24, 2014 at 9:55 pm

    I wonder how much S manipulated me with all his “nice guy” act. I’m afraid I’m easily manipulatable, so quick to feel bad about hurting a man, and he was just acting nice because he wanted me, not because he is really the good guy I took him for.

  18.  #18Veronica on July 24, 2014 at 10:12 pm

    FunnyCD is quite connected to his emotions. I do have small NVs saying ‘what if he’s a feminine energy man?’ and then I realise that he’s sharing himself with me, he’s giving himself to me. He’s quite serious about our dating (in a good way) – present and connected. I feel surprised, nervous, upbeat.

  19.  #19Zia on July 25, 2014 at 12:44 am

    I can definitely relate to the physical stance – when I first started doing this, I really had to work to do the open “dance position”. Now (over a year later) I find it comes so naturally and easy, and I really am aware when I get closed off and have my arms crossed or otherwise physically closed off. And what’s funny is that my bf notices *instantly* too. He’s even commented on it – saying that he knows I’m frustrated because I have my arms crossed or my body is closed off.

  20.  #20Azure Blu on July 25, 2014 at 2:11 am

    Viollette #18,
    I’m feeling curious…
    Why do you feel his interaction with you was “a nice guy” act?

    Rori always wants us to take a look at what this man may be mirroring for you?

    I agree… it is VERY annoying to experience “bad” sex…

  21.  #21Indigo on July 25, 2014 at 2:40 am


    I can feel how angry you are, and though my personal opinion is that it was a good thing you didn’t tell him all about himself and weren’t meaner, I really identify with how frustrating it is to be misunderstood. I resonated a lot with what you were saying and it put me in mind of my own past experiences. I had a boyfriend who used to tell me I was mysterious and closed off, and that he wished I’d open up to him more, and I was standing there thinking, “This is as open as I get. This is me, and I’m not being mysterious or closed off” but I think it was really about him wanting me to feel the same way about him as he felt about me.

    It also put me in mind of other lovers I’ve had who were so eager to wow me in bed, or so focused on their own ideas of what pleasuring a woman looked like, that they completely missed my physical cues, and were overly sensitive when I tried to guide them, or else just got carried away by their own enthusiasm, which killed it for me. That’s why I wrote on the previous thread that for me, sex has to be all about responsiveness, gently and respectfully opening to each other, flowing together. For me, it really doesn’t matter what we’re doing or what position it is, as long as he is in tune with me.

    But I really do identify with the anger when a man is NOT in tune with you.

  22.  #22Femininewoman on July 25, 2014 at 2:55 am

    I dunno Violette. I didn’t agree with most of the comments that were made to you about this guy though I don’t know him or you. I am sure that you are right about him on some level. And now that I am reading this last comment I get a sense that to a certain extent you don’t like yourself. It is like talking about him is your way of beating yourself up. I might be wrong but I am suggesting bringing this all back to you and looking deeply at what is really going on inside you.

  23.  #23Femininewoman on July 25, 2014 at 3:00 am

    Men are not good at taking hints, reading minds and picking up on emotional cues.

  24.  #24sequoia on July 25, 2014 at 3:02 am

    it feels strange, my cding seems to come in waves. Last week I had 3 dates, this week I have none.

    I haven’t heard anything from G, which makes me feels slightly anxious and also sad. I really like him. I have the feeling so he just wants to meet for sex. I love the sex we have, we flow so good together and I’d like to have more with him, but I also long to connect emotionally with him and meet him for other activities.

    I don’t want to manipulate things so. I want him to long for more connection and take me out on normal dates and not just meet for sex.

    I am not sure how to handle this. I might loose him if I push for more connection or if I meet him and than not have sex with him, even so I want him, to just do sthg other than have sex with him.

    I haven’t expressed my desire to do other things with him before but he seems to ignore it or he hasn’t heard me.

    I don’t want to manipulate him or push him away.

  25.  #25Femininewoman on July 25, 2014 at 3:02 am

    Violette is there something else going on in your life that you are angry about, maybe all the time?

  26.  #26sequoia on July 25, 2014 at 3:14 am

    I treasure the sex with G so much as I havn’t had sex for more than a year and normally I do not let myself get easily into this, but with him I just surrendered and it was amazing.

    I feel a bit embarressed to share this here but my excitement about me ejaculating with him is stronger.
    I also want you sirens to know about female ejaculation, if you don’t know about it already, and that it is an amazing release and a beautiful experience.
    I first heard about it just 2 years ago and got myself a book on female ejaculation and the g-spot, by Deborah Sundahl.
    I have practiced by myself and I was so amazed. Then in my last ‘relationship’ I wanted to explore this with him but he wasn’t that interested.
    And now with G it just happened by itself the very first time and not just once but many times.
    That’s why I feel so excited and open to experience this with him and that’s why I want to not push him away. He is caring and really wants to give pleasure to me and that feels good. I shared with him already that this is sthg very special for me and that I haven’t experienced this with anyone else. And that I am not sure if my heart can handle this, that I feel slightly afraid, but I want to be open on how things unfold.

    I guess I have to trust, feel my anxiety around all of this and keep sharing how I feel…

  27.  #27Indigo on July 25, 2014 at 5:32 am


    I feel concerned about this statement of yours: “I might loose him if I push for more connection or if I meet him and than not have sex with him, even so I want him, to just do sthg other than have sex with him.”

    You are under no obligation whatsoever to have sex with him, just because you’ve had sex with him the once. You want someone who wants more than just sex with you, who wants emotional connection, so why would you worry about losing him if you want to do activities that let you get closer without having sex? I would think you wouldn’t want a man who would be pushed away by this. Being that it is so early, I think it is so totally ok to want to be doing activities not involving physical intimacy.

  28.  #28Violette on July 25, 2014 at 6:11 am

    Thank you Indigo and Azure Blue for your comments.

    I feel heard.

    I don’t feel heard Feminine Woman when you reduce my experience to me hating myself all the time.

    What the heck is that supposed to mean? I come here to find a safe space to share my feelings and that feels like a total put down.

    I am having a hard time in my life and so what. A lot of things are good too. I am a person. And I was dating someone who constantly didn’t get me.

    I did far more than give hints and take clues. I gave detailed instructions on what I wanted in bed, and let me tell you that is not normal, and most men do not need that. There were no hints and clues, I don’t know why you think this is about me wanting him to read my mind.

    You are triggering me in the same way he does, by trying to put some image on me of who I am, that does not feel good, does not feel like who I am, and I want someone to see me, not the idea of the person that they want me to be so that they can feel comfortable with themselves.

    Azure Blue the reason I wonder if it was an act was because his reaction to my ending things was all about how I wasn’t happy, I was mysterious…it was never about him taking responsiblity. That was what upset me, that he made this all about me. When he was a part of it too. Even when I was uncomfortable in bed, he said it was because I was tired, or stressed. When really it was because he was making me uncomfortable!

  29.  #29Linda on July 25, 2014 at 6:13 am

    “And one day, one of those situations will stick, and make me happy enough that I want to stay.”

    I like this so much. It feels positive, peaceful and purposeful.


    I feel relieved. My youngest daughter (25) has had so much difficulty in the romantic relationship department. I have brought up from so many angles the concept of CD’ing. To which she would NOT listen, talk about, consider. Instead taking no for her answer.. as she would pour her painful After her last relationship and yet another hurtful end, she signed up on Match.
    Her inbox is overwhelmingly full according to her. She was so closed , and weary and embarassed to the whole online thing. She is like watching a baby bird discovering that there is a big interesting world beyond her small nest and that has wings! She is smiling and starting to enjoy all this energy coming toward her. AND… she is finally willing to meet and accept dates from multiple guys. YEAH!!! It feels sooo good to see her open up and explore finally. I am so encouraged for her. Every chance I get I say… now just lean back and receive. Let his energy come toward you and enjoy the moment and just be present.

    She told me today, that the man she is meeting tonight said… he was going to prove to her that there is such a thing as “love at first sight” LOL… I said oh doesnt his energy feel warm and bubbly ?
    I told her P said he fell in love with me at first sight.. and she was quick to point out how that went. I said oh I believe that he loves me… he just did not get to keep me in his life.

    I feel relieved and happy for her.

  30.  #30Violette on July 25, 2014 at 6:15 am

    When I was trying to live abroad 3 years ago I saw a therapist. Now I spoke the language fluently but did struggle with the finer nuances of expression. At the time my main heart’s desire was figuring out how to secure a visa in my field, and one day she suggested to me maybe I should work on improving my finer language skills.

    The idea that she was my therapist and had been listening to all my inner emotions, and didn’t know by know how obsessed I was with doing just that, really offended me, like she didn’t have a clue what was going on with me.

    She told me I shouldn’t get so upset, but it felt like such a deep betrayal.

    I don’t know why but all this with S is somehow reminding me of that. Maybe the part about him asking me if I ever have good sex in general…

  31.  #31Violette on July 25, 2014 at 6:17 am

    Of course deep down none of this is about me anyway. He projected bunches of things on me about himself and I am taking it personally. I know that with a little time that will feel clearer.

  32.  #32Violette on July 25, 2014 at 6:23 am

    The main reason I stayed with S when I saw that physically it wasn’t good, was that I had some regrets about not staying with C a couple of years ago for the same reasons. I wanted to see if it was possible to increase intimacy and if that would improve the sex. But I knew…and hopefully in the future I won’t put so much pressure on myself to help a guy understand my basic physical needs. I know beyond a doubt how important it is now. And that it connects to other things too, to a basic sense of being compatible with someone.

    With C it was more confusing because he had impotence, and…it seemed everyone around me believed I was evil to leave a guy over that. But it wasn’t just that, it was that he wasn’t dealing with it, and he had no awareness of my deep discomfort around being in bed with him and having him paw all over me when I know we wouldn’t have sex…and he would do that same things over and over again…
    basically that he wouldn’t take me seriously when I expressed my discomfort and what I needed.

    And I’m glad I left him now. And yeah, I do believe it’s possible C was so kind and dreamy with me to some extent, because he knew I was in for a big disappointment in the bedroom.

  33.  #33Femininewoman on July 25, 2014 at 6:23 am

    Violette where did I comment about you hating yourself all the time?

  34.  #34Violette on July 25, 2014 at 6:26 am

    That may be enough self-analysis on this subject for now.

    I feel I did fine. The experience brought lessons. I’m beyond relieved to be free of an experience that was beginning to feel inauthentic and miserable. I feel happy to be alone, and safe, and that I spoke my truth.

    And I feel eager to move on. I want to forgive myself for any feeling of being mean to him…for not wanting him (which does come up a bit!) and to forgive him for disappointing me.

    And really clear the space and let in goodness from here on out. That is the next step.

  35.  #35Femininewoman on July 25, 2014 at 6:30 am

    Violette I also believe my comment in post 24 was taken personally by you. It was a general statement about my experience with a lot of men, both in personal and professional life. They don’t hints well.

    I did not mention your name in that post.

  36.  #36Azure Blu on July 25, 2014 at 6:31 am

    I love what you have shared about your daughter and cding!!!
    I too try and share with my son and daughter about the tools I’m learning here…
    Acutally it has made such a big difference in ME and my interactions with them
    they are very open to hearing and trying out some of the tools!!

  37.  #37Violette on July 25, 2014 at 6:35 am

    Another reason why I kept dating S when it was clear it wasn’t good physically was that he kept showing up, available for intimacy.

    That part is sad to lose. Of course the intimacy ran it’s course, maybe went as far as it could between us.

    It feels good to remember what that feels like, to open my doors to greater and deeper intimacy from here on out.

  38.  #38Violette on July 25, 2014 at 6:39 am

    I hope I can find a way to reframe this experience as positive. I find myself getting so angry with men at times, so disappointed. And there’s a sense of powerlessness in that and I am powerful. I don’t have to hate anyone for not being worthy. If anything I’m sure this situation calls for compassion. It feels like grown up stuff, I am willing to step into being a grown up about it. Oh I have so much to learn! But I want to so much. And I am.

  39.  #39Azure Blu on July 25, 2014 at 6:41 am

    Violette #38
    It sounds like you were practicing Feeling messages with S…
    Rori always says the more we practice the closer with get to what we want!!
    YOU’RE one man closer…
    stay on your horse and RIDE, Siren, RIDE!!!

  40.  #40Azure Blu on July 25, 2014 at 6:47 am

    ((((Violette #39))))
    you are being so authentic, brave and vulnerable,
    sharing YOU with us…
    Mmmm… a warm, gently siren opening YOUR heart
    to YOU…
    For YOU to love your feelings of
    and give YOU compassion…

    I have found it is sooo powerful for ME to GIVE ME

  41.  #41Violette on July 25, 2014 at 6:48 am

    I’m sorry to blow up at you FW. I did take your comments personally, they felt like an unfair critique. But you are certainly free to your point of view and I know they weren’t intended to be unkind.

  42.  #42Femininewoman on July 25, 2014 at 6:48 am

    RE 39 Violette this sounds powerful. This is where I’d suggest is the best place to put your energy. This too me feels self honoring.

  43.  #43Femininewoman on July 25, 2014 at 6:52 am

    RE 42 Trust me Violette I totally understand.

    Being triggered is a good thing. It helps me to really look at myself and really feel into myself in my situations.

    Remember anger actually shuts down a part of you so when angry it is best to really feel into it and under it.

    I feel really good that you are able to flip things so quickly. It really speaks to the level of awareness that you are developing. You go you wonderful siren!!

  44.  #44Indigo on July 25, 2014 at 7:11 am


    One way in which this work has really helped me is – if a man is not in front of you, don’t worry about him. Don’t get in his business, don’t worry about whether or not he’s going to ask you out for the weekend. Just go ahead and make your plans, put him out of your head and live your life! Please don’t assign meaning to things on FB, and please try not to check his FB page.

    None of this stuff is easy at first, it takes practice, constantly bringing your attention back to the present moment, and off him.

    Of course a few texts here and there are not enough to survive on, but playing games in the hopes that he’ll step up, or abruptly ending things will not teach you the inner strength to focus on you and your life instead of on the man. That is why Circular Dating, whatever it means to you, is so helpful. You do not have to worry about anything that is not right in front of you now.


  45.  #45Olympia on July 25, 2014 at 7:14 am

    ((marikaberg)) those self-realizations sound valuable. And similar to what I’ve experienced.

    I feel so exhausted by the end of the week, trying to do work and school and also have time to chat with different men so that I will have some dates in the future. Part of me wants to just forget trying to circular date, and just do my work, but that would feel so lonely. Part of me likes the thrill of juggling multiple guys, and how good it feels to not be invested in any one person working out, because I have so many other options.

  46.  #46CurvySiren10 on July 25, 2014 at 7:40 am

    “Men are not good at taking hints, reading minds and picking up on emotional cues.”

    Wow, I really dislike generalized, stereotyping statements like this. I would much prefer it read “some men”. I don’t think people in general can “read minds” and “taking hints” or “picking up emotional cues” is completely dependent on that person’s own self-awareness, emotional maturity etc. I happen to know men who are incredibly good at picking up on emotional cues. Like way better than I am. lol

    Anyway, I feel frustrated when I see men being pigeon-holed into generalizations and stereotypes.

    And for the record, Violette – I think you’re doing great. Very self aware. Very honest, open and vulnerable. Very in tuned to your feelings and emotions regarding S. Yes, there is a lot to learn about YOU in all of this but there is no right or wrong about how you feel.

  47.  #47Indigo on July 25, 2014 at 7:52 am

    Agree, CurvySiren.

    D for example is very sensitive to, and good at picking up, emotional cues. Better than I am, actually.

    I am thankful for this because I don’t have to spell out everything I’m feeling. He’s known me long enough to be able to pick it up in my body language etc. I’m not crazy about generalisations like this either.

  48.  #48Femininewoman on July 25, 2014 at 8:09 am

    Hi Curvy.

    I have had an interesting observation lately which is one of the reasons I have been choosing not to comment many times.

    I get the sense that your comments lately only show up at a time to disagree with mine. I feel hesitant to ask but decided to anyway. Am I off base here?

    I know I am not the best at “choosing my words” though I do like to put out there my impressions when something strikes me in a post. Maybe you and some others would prefer if I didn’t comment at all?

  49.  #49CurvySiren10 on July 25, 2014 at 8:47 am

    Sorry if you get that impression Femininewoman. My comments come whenever something strikes me as worth noting. I don’t have a lot of free time for posting here but I do read often. I find your commentary (very often) valuable and insightful. I do happen to disagree with you on today’s generalization about ‘men’, rather than saying some men, in your experience, etc. It just rubs me wrong. I certainly do NOT wish for you to stop commenting. I think you add tremendous value here and I am a part-time poster at best.

    Indigo…same here for me. My guy picks up on the tiniest, most subtle emotional clues from me. Sometimes it freaks me out how easily he does this. I think that’s why that comment irritated me lol. I just don’t care for generalizations, in regards to any group…not just gender.

  50.  #50Indigo on July 25, 2014 at 9:05 am


    Yeah. I try to really be cautious of generalisations as well… I’m really of the belief on taking each person on their merits, because people vary so much. I know how limiting I find it when people generalize about me.

    Interesting what you say about tiny, subtle emotional cues… the other night D asked me what the matter was from barely even looking at me – of course my flu was just starting to come to the fore. He could just sense something was not quite right.

  51.  #51Azure Blu on July 25, 2014 at 9:20 am

    Indigo & Curvy…
    I too try to avoid generalizing about any gender…
    As I am always disappointed when people say
    “Ohhh… she’s a blond” or
    “she’s from the south” or comments like that…
    and i do notice my girlfriends do generalize in a negative way about men…
    Which i believe leads to the undercurrent of disrespect which does not lead to emotional closeness…

    I LOVE reading about your bf being so very sensitive..
    I too have experienced many men being very sensitive… it’s nice to hear that affirmed.

  52.  #52Azure Blu on July 25, 2014 at 9:30 am

    Soooo as I continue practicing the leaning back
    not controlling
    letting the man lead…

    Last week Spiritcd had asked me out for Friday and I hadn’t heard from him on Thur. night to confirm and I was SOOO tempted to
    jump right in there and start MY
    pushing and overfunctioning…
    But I stopped myself…
    and sure enough on Friday morn…
    a cheery text confirming our date…
    but no time
    Sooo… ohhh. i actually had the phone in my ear ready to make THE CALL…
    and YES… I STOPPED and realized what I was doing!!!
    a few hours later while i was doing my workout…
    he called wanting to set the time and to pick me up…
    AHHHH that felt sooo good… me relaxing and letting him do his thing!!!
    Ahhh.. I’m sooo proud of me…

    Same thing this week… we’ve seen each other once during the week.
    Watched the Tigers game on TV another night…
    HE was at his house and I was at mine and we talked on the phone and texted about it…
    IT was fun… ;~>

    No plans until this morning…
    Then Beer Garden & dancing…
    no time…
    and I wasn’t even tempted this time…
    He texted it’ll be later in the evening cause he’s golfing…
    Which is fine… I have to work late…
    and do my toes!!!

  53.  #53Azure Blu on July 25, 2014 at 9:32 am

    Ohhh… woops… he asked me out last night..
    but my phone was in the other room and I didn’t see it until this morning…

  54.  #54Ignis on July 25, 2014 at 10:27 am

    @April Rose

    I do not remember if that is what this tool is called. But it is when you have this armor and you take it off in front of your man when he is standing in the ocean. It is from Surrender to Love book. I do not remember if it was also in Modern Siren program. I always imagine my armor as a dress made of bricks, like a wall I used to build around myself. It felt really scary at first to take it off, but now it just feels mostly sexy 🙂

  55.  #55IamHis on July 25, 2014 at 10:36 am

    I feel thirsty and hungry.

    I feel icky too. Made some arguments/comments on social media. It was masculine energy, but it felt good…at first.

    I challenged a guy, I meant it in good fun, but he didn’t take it that way.

    I think (masculine energy alert) it upset someone, because he put up a very zen video to kind of block out the argument.

    It feels good to use my brain! It feels good to playfully argue!

    I feel frustrated when things aren’t kept playful.

    I feel kind of angry.

    It feels so good to feel angry sometimes.

    I also feel kinda of dry and grumpy.

    Food and water would feel good.

  56.  #56IamHis on July 25, 2014 at 10:41 am

    I really want to love my masculine energy. I feel scared that a masculine man won’t love the masculine energy in me. I love the feminine energy in me, but I struggle to love it too. It makes me feel weak, less than. It makes me feel scared.

    I want to be love, cherished, and protected by a masculine man. I feel scared that my masculine energy will push that away. but I want to be loved for it, too.

    I want a man who will find my searching, combative, scared, argumentative energy endearing. I want a man who would respect it. but who will also recognize the feminine energy and how both energies work within me to make me all that I am.

    I feel sad and scared right now.

    I don’t like feeling this way. it feels icky to feel sad and scared.

  57.  #57Dominique on July 25, 2014 at 10:51 am

    Linda – 1 – Yet isn’t there some beauty in the “same” scenery? Can you look more closely, and maybe see something you’ve never noticed before, maybe something magnificent. It could be a very tiny thing, yet this tiny thing could make your day, change everything.

    I have found that the more you can focus on what feels good, even if only a little, the more good feeling stuff will notice, thus feeling better still. I’ve written a lot about this and chose this article as one which my help.


  58.  #58Dominique on July 25, 2014 at 10:54 am

    It would be nice when I actually post the article for you, lol.

    Ignis – 6 – this may help you too some.

  59.  #59Dominique on July 25, 2014 at 10:54 am

    This one too maybe Ignis –


  60.  #60Veronica on July 25, 2014 at 10:55 am

    I met FunnyCD today.

    Felt very good feelings with FunnyCD
    But also strong shame – that enjoying affection was me doing something wrong
    my little girl who was groomed still feels shame about the possibility of love
    My eyes were looking around for eyes that would shame me

    thank goodness no shaming eyes

    His enthusiasm for us gently brings me into being more actively present with my life – maybe this is what opening up feels like

  61.  #61Ignis on July 25, 2014 at 10:56 am

    @ IamHisNo
    @Azure Blu

    Oh, it feels good to get another perspective. Sometimes I just feel stuck with my own.

    I used to be afraid of feeling, that is what happened when he left. I shut both myself and him out. Then I felt sad and angry. Now I just feel tired. Because somehow I feel I am ok, and I feel he is actually going to show up again. And my mind is resonating with the tools and says to me all the time, that I do not want to use my energy on him. It is like I am getting the tools backwards, because my thinking is resonating with them and my feelings are opposite. It is weird, because I really feel this way. No man was enough for me before. I was never able to accept a man before just how they are, there was always something wrong with them. Even though I was addicted to them. Now I felt I can just take him as he is. Just that i felt it after I overfunctioned deluxe and he was already gone, and what happened was that I figured that this feeling was enough and I do not really need to do anything with that. That this feeling of accepting someone is just beautiful and it does not need reason or any doing. And then my mind turns on and just says how can you even feel this nice things about a man that does not want you anymore and use your time on feeling this positive things towards him. And when I cry it is not because I feel sad, but because I feel exhausted of all the thinking, really. Because what I feel is that I will be ok.

    I know I had this belief I am the fixer of all man, that this was my purpose in life, because all of my exes got love of their lives right after me. I know I had this belief I was only deserving love from myself and others when my life was perfect and that I can only get attention when something was really wrong. This is what I worked on last year. Now I know the only thing I was missing was to stop thinking I was missing something 😛 They are still there, those beliefs, or their remains at least, but I learned to flip them, and continue to do so. So maybe..

    ..maybe this is my old me, trying to fight her way back. I like this analogy. Trying to make me stop trusting what I feel. And maybe my new and authentic self is coming to light and starting to feel ok 🙂

    Thank you girls.

  62.  #62Femininewoman on July 25, 2014 at 11:00 am

    marikaberg – when we feel ignored and forgotten?

    Are these really feelings?

  63.  #63IamHis on July 25, 2014 at 11:01 am

    @marikaberg – I so understand that “ignored, forgotten” feeling. but if you look closely, who does the ignoring or the forgetting? He does. So it feels blame-y, and it makes him feel bad.

    Words like “I feel lonely” or “I feel scared” might work better.

    I feel scared of being forgotten. I feel lonely. Then, you could open up about why you might feel that way. Things from your past. This could help you guys grow closer.

    Just thoughts.

  64.  #64Dominique on July 25, 2014 at 11:13 am

    Marikaberg – 58 – You can inspire more of what you’re wanting and needing in a relationships by reinforcing anything and everything which feels. IF he’s the man for you, he WILL do what feels good to you more and more. A good man wants to make you happy, feel good. So by you focusing on the good in the relationship instead of the not so good feeling (unless it’s totally horrible and heinous), not only do YOU get to feel better, you will also reap the rewards of more of this.

    You can also encourage behaviors you like which he’s not demonstrating maybe by suggestion without leaning forward, eg. – it would feel SO good to….. –

    When a woman criticizes, nags, etc. more of the time than not, a man will think he get ever get it right, make you happy, so he will eventually give up. I’m speaking hypothetically here.

    And if after all of this you’re still not feeling loved and cared for most of the time, then maybe he’s just not the man for you.


  65.  #65tanea on July 25, 2014 at 11:27 am

    Hello everyone,

    Was reading about Rori and decided to give it a try.
    Anyway been talking with this guy for 2 years. His divorce was final 2 months after I met him. He left to start driving over the road. We still kept in contact and he finally came back home. He was back and forth because I guess the divorce was hard for him. She’s 17 or 18 years older than he is and he told me he was ready to be with someone close to his age. This guy would always ignore my calls when he wanted to chase her and i always took him back rregrdless of what he did. After she moved to california he went out where she was and didnt even have enough respect to tell me. So after he changed his number and followed her he finally called back maybe a month and half later to tell me he was there and wasnt happy with her and was coming back home. I talked this guy on and off for almost 30 hours!!!! that long bc he had to drive back to georgia. So after he got back I did go back to him because he was doing so good. Would nt you know he turned a small argument into something big and stop responding to me. We would be together on the weekend but still not much. This was in April when he left her and now its July and he sent a text saying his past is now his future because he remarried her!! Im just in a bad situation with this guy. He tells me how much he loves me but does the same thing to me. We went ring shopping i June bc he say he was ready for me to be his wife!!! im confused as ever and need major advice!!!!! Deep down inside i feel as if he is gonna contact me again saying that he’s not happy with her because she 46 and cant give him kids and other things!

  66.  #66Femininewoman on July 25, 2014 at 11:44 am

    marikaberg I totally get feeling rejected. I ask you this as I also ask when myself, when he is held accountable then what?

    You see where I am at now, relationships are voluntary being two consent beings. If someone chooses to act in a way that leaves me feeling confused I now tend to start talking to myself. Asking myself some tough questions.

    Why am I there?
    Is this what I want in my life?
    Do I believe I am worthy of more than this?

  67.  #67Indigo on July 25, 2014 at 12:20 pm


    I think Feminine Woman is onto something with asking you to examine these feelings of being rejected/ignored/forgotten more closely. Is he really rejecting/ignoring/forgetting you, or do these feelings feel familiar from other situations you’ve been in before? The two of you aren’t in an exclusive relationship, and he is behaving consistently with that. I don’t see someone who is ignoring or rejecting you – I see a man who is casually involved with you, and is doing what he wants to do. This isn’t about your worth, or about being unimportant at all. I would be wary of anything or any feeling messages which seek to make him responsible for how you are feeling. Yes of course you can walk away from him, but will that feel any better?

    I know we sound like stuck records on here, but do something lovely for yourself, even if it feels an effort… go see a movie, or go to the hair salon or do anything which makes you feel important and loved to YOU.


  68.  #68Ignis on July 25, 2014 at 12:38 pm

    @Dominique there was this one sentence in your second article that rang a bell, it just things happened too soon. Everything at once and way too fast. Guess that is my yet another clue to be gentle with myself. Thanks 🙂

  69.  #69Femininewoman on July 25, 2014 at 12:48 pm

    It would not make it any easier marikaberg. It just sends your mind in another tailspin of questions. Beating yourself up because you should have seen it coming kinda thing.

    What is your intuition/your gut feelings?
    Is it telling you that he is seeing someone else?
    Can you trust yourself enough to embrace those feelings?

  70.  #70Femininewoman on July 25, 2014 at 12:51 pm

    marikaberg are you okay letting someone in and out of your life?

    when he disappeared it might have been his way of showing you how he intends to lead the relationship in the future. Are you okay with that?

    If this is his pattern it will happen again.

  71.  #71Medusa on July 25, 2014 at 1:35 pm

    A month and a half ago, I got dumped by a man I had lived with for six years. I loved him like crazy and still do. Even though I’m doing the Tools and keeping after my own life and interests, I still catch myself obsessing over him. He is a sensitive guy with an incredibly kind heart and masculine giving impulses, AND serious issues with intense anxiety, fear, jealousy, and rage. This combination made him capable of kindness and cruelty right next to each other. I did everything I learned from all Rori’s programs, and I grew and changed greatly. It became apparent that HE wasn’t going to change, at least not with me as his girlfriend. I was at the end of my rope one weekend, packed an overnight bag, and went to my mom’s house. The next morning he called and broke up with me over the phone.

    A week and a half later, I saw him in town. He drove by in his truck while I was out walking – nowhere near either of our neighborhoods, just random chance. I was crushed to see a gorgeous woman cuddled right up next to him. (I was never invited to cuddle that close with him in his truck. I was an annoyance and in the way.) From the intimacy of their postures and the earliness of the evening, logic suggests it was not a first date.

    Although I’m conversant in Feeling Messages, I don’t feel like describing my feelings of rage and devastation in detail here. Trust me, I feel it fully. Before this happened, I wanted a friendship with him – at the time, we agreed we liked and cared about each other so much that we wanted to remain friends even if we couldn’t last as lovers. But seeing him with a new woman, when the breakup was so new and raw, brutally hacked my friendly feelings to pieces. I didn’t bother to respond to the text he send me a couple of weeks later, which was filled with mushy platitudes like “I will always be your friend,” “I think you’re a wonderful lady,” “I miss you” etc. I have refused to drive anywhere near his neighborhood unless it’s an absolute necessity, because I don’t want to see him whatsoever. And yes – I am exerting my “boy energy” to get myself out of town and start a new life somewhere else. I’ll leave as soon as the next job is lined up.

    Today I passed his truck again. We were driving opposite directions on a main road that links the town where I’m living with his town. It was the middle of the day and he was hauling a work trailer, so I’m sure it was unlikely that he had a date with him. But the moment I recognized his truck, I looked away – straight down the road in front of me – and refused to look over at him. So I didn’t see inside the cab at all. I didn’t acknowledge him. I feel traumatized thinking about this.

    Did I do right by ignoring him?

  72.  #72Kyla on July 25, 2014 at 2:07 pm

    I feel frustrated. I’m not even sure what triggered me is worth talking about and yet the reason it triggered me I think does or am I just stuck in my anger and unable to let go of it? I feel so mad when Ive told the kids one thing and then find out he told them they can do the other. It feels disrespectful to me. Its only happened twice now but the one time it happened the other way around, and rather than overrule him I instead went to him with an alternative suggestion, he got so mad at me for it. Ugh it feels unfair to me I think thats my problem. I feel irritated when Im not on control and irritated at wanting to be in control too. Im feeling very sulky and closed off since it happened today and finding it difficult to really feel anything but annoyance. I am not in the right frame of mind to choose my words right now either.

  73.  #73Indigo on July 25, 2014 at 2:43 pm

    ((((marikaberg)))) 76,

    You could try being honest “It feels weird having no contact for two weeks. I feel confused, and unsure what to say”

  74.  #74Indigo on July 25, 2014 at 2:45 pm

    Just to inject a little light-hearted moment…

    I had the best thing a guy could ever say said to me tonight “Get something nice for yourself” as he hands me his wallet 🙂

  75.  #75Medusa on July 25, 2014 at 2:48 pm

    Yay Indigo!!! I am happy for you!

  76.  #76Azure Blu on July 25, 2014 at 3:06 pm

    Indigo #78
    WOW!!! Love what you said here.
    Sooo perfect!

  77.  #77Sophie on July 25, 2014 at 3:06 pm

    Marikberg – I don’t think it’s nuts because I can identify – I often live ‘in fear’ of the other woman – regardless of what form my relationship with the man takes.I deal with this in the following ways – one) this is not a man with whom I feel safe, therefore this is not a man that I want in my life two) I put all my focus back onto me. I am the yummy pie, I am the prize. And especially for one man, for my man, whoever my man may be – then it doesn’t matter about the other woman (imaginary or not – she is always inevitably in my mind superior to me in some way) it matters that I am on my horse, riding the trail of my life, gathering strength and momentum as I go – if I do not work to build up my life and love for myself I may always be haunted by the other woman.

    It sounds to me that maybe you have been hooked on the attention and the affection – and that can be hard to let go off – especially when it’s sporadic because its like having a period of starvation and then being offered food (crumbs…) Maybe you need to decide you can do without that in the knowing that letting go of that something better will come along – give yourself that love and attention.

    you need a plan? could you say “you feel confused. it feels too casual for you. It’s not what you want?” xxx

  78.  #78Azure Blu on July 25, 2014 at 3:07 pm

    How FUN!!! What did you do?

    Never had a man say that to me…
    Well… when I was married a million years ago…

  79.  #79Sophie on July 25, 2014 at 3:07 pm

    (((Kyla))) How wise for you to be here when you know you’re not in the right place to choose your words (((hugs)))

  80.  #80Sophie on July 25, 2014 at 3:10 pm

    (((Medusa))) I would feel shock and pain if i’d experienced what you did with seeing him close with someone so soon when feelings are raw. Don’t you think you did the right thing ignoring him? What are you feeling? Guilt?Obligation that you ‘should be his friend’?What do you want, do you know?

    Indigo!!!! I want that! New wish for the manifestation box 🙂

  81.  #81Sophie on July 25, 2014 at 3:12 pm

    79 Indigo – and did you????!!!! 🙂

  82.  #82Azure Blu on July 25, 2014 at 3:16 pm

    Then on the other hand
    Lovely Sirens…
    When I was totally addicted, pinning after all the crumbs from BK –
    I decided I would goo allll out…
    I would ONLY date him… and tell him I was ONLY dating him…
    I would get my FILLLL of his pushing away… booty call…
    going up north alll the time… lying, coldness
    and KEEP practicing LOVING ME,
    Practicing the Rori tools
    And see what happened…
    Guess what
    After 2.5 months… I got MY FILL
    It worked
    I Saw HE WAS NOT what I wanted…
    he contacted me 8 weeks later (YES… 8 weeks)
    I felt nausious hearing his voice…
    Of course I will remember with fondness ALLL the wonderful times we shared
    BUT total emirsion WORKED for me

  83.  #83Azure Blu on July 25, 2014 at 3:19 pm

    Ohhh, lovely warm siren…
    hugs and kisses…
    You are being sooo brave sharing with us here…

  84.  #84Medusa on July 25, 2014 at 3:21 pm

    Sophie, THANK YOU for pointing that out – yes – I feel so SO GUILTY. And sad… and enraged… (I knew those two but I wasn’t acknowledging the guilt.) And – now that I’m paying attention – I can articulate the despair of being rejected, the pain of my feelings of inadequacy, the horror of being so easily replaceable.

    Thank you for helping me touch my feelings. Ouch, ouch.

  85.  #85Azure Blu on July 25, 2014 at 3:22 pm

    That would be VERY frustrating to ME…

    One of my biggest triggers…
    are when things seem UNFAIR!!!

    Dominque says… remember alllll the reasons
    This is just a smalll thing in the scope of a HAPPY life

  86.  #86Medusa on July 25, 2014 at 3:23 pm

    Thanks Azure Blu… <3 <3 :-S

  87.  #87sequoia on July 25, 2014 at 3:31 pm

    Marika Berg – I felt unimportant too today. G did text that he would call and than didn’t. he had not time for me and I felt very triggered.

    I believe that most of the time I feel triggered its the law of attraction drawing these events, cirmumstances, situations to me so that those feelings that want to be released from me can come up again. Eg, I know intelectually that my parents never had much time for me, Iwas more of a burden for them. I know it but I can feel that there are still a lot of feelings, anger and sadness reg. that which are still within me me to be felt and which affect my law of attraction.

    Sometimes if its anger its an indication that some of my emotinal addcitions are not being met so,
    but if its feelings of sadness and feelings that bring up childhood feelings or feelings were I feel quiet young and helpless its definatly sthg from the past and an opportunity to get into the feeling and feel them. Not easy so!

    I have the feeling that this also happened to you

    with being triggered by this man. I haven’t read all your post but it could be that stuff from your past came up when you felt triggered, which could be an opportunity to get into it , feel it and transform it. this is by no means an easy thing to do so as we have been trained from babyhood not to feel those feelings to conform to our environment.
    That’s were I really treasure some of Rori’s tools eso. his post

  88.  #88nyx on July 25, 2014 at 3:36 pm

    @ Indigo

    Marry him XD

  89.  #89Sophie on July 25, 2014 at 3:38 pm

    87 Azure Blu – I love that tactic – I love how it worked for you -it actually feels mischievious – thats the part I love but powerful too cos you never gave up on loving you

    89 – ohhhh Medusa it happened to me twice – ‘that so easily replaced’ feeling was the most excruciating pain for me – it tore me apart for a while – but I wasn’t easily replaced – I had been in relationship with men who were not as strong as me and who ran from feeling their feelings (to other women) – and I suppose those men gave me the gift of growing through that pain into realising that I am not easily replaced and it wasn’t about me, it was about them and I don’t give those men (both of whom I loved intensely) a second thought now – other than a vague a wish them well…

    I feel curious about the guilt…? Are you feeling protective of his feelings? (I only say that ‘cos that’s what I do – it has got me into a lot of trouble) xxx

  90.  #90sequoia on July 25, 2014 at 3:41 pm

    thank you Indigo for your feedback.
    I have the feeling that I am tested with G. I feel physically very attracted to him as the sex is amazing with him and I do want to have sex with him but it would feel of course better to have more contact and be courted as well and see the connection growing. I don’t know myself if I would want to be in a committed relationship with him as it is early days.

    I expressed today to him that in the longrun it doesn’t feel good to me that we just meet for sex without much contact.
    He replied he knows… Well
    Lets see what happens.

  91.  #91Sophie on July 25, 2014 at 3:42 pm

    AZure Blu – 53 Yayyyyyyy to doing the tools and catching yourself on the brink of nearly not doing them and then you’ve done the tools and it all works out….just the way Rori says it will – I LOVE it when that happens – xxxx

  92.  #92Azure Blu on July 25, 2014 at 3:48 pm

    Ahhhh (((Sophie))) #96 & 94
    Thank you for saying that!! It feels like a BIG pat on my BACK…

  93.  #93Sophie on July 25, 2014 at 3:55 pm

    97 – I have feelings of joy and exuberance when I read your successes Azure Blu – for me you have a pixie-like, impish element to your energy which makes me feel smiley (I have it too – is that a crazy projection on my part?!!!) do you even know what I mean? ! 🙂

  94.  #94Medusa on July 25, 2014 at 3:56 pm

    Thank you Sophie. I want that attitude for me too.

    I feel an inordinate amount of responsibility for his well-being. Always have. I guess that is what got me into so much pain over him, both during the relationship and since its end. I know that I have some work to do in this area.

    Sad tummy feelings. A sad ocean tempest in my tummy.

  95.  #95Sophie on July 25, 2014 at 3:57 pm

    98 – I meant as a compliment by the way 🙂

  96.  #96Sophie on July 25, 2014 at 4:02 pm

    ((((Medusa))) It was a long time, your relationship (not that it necessarily has to be) for a bond to form – it takes time for me to disentangle – with the last one I had to use visualisations of actually disentangling and cutting cords that bound us – letting him and me go – it helped me. Beautiful feeling of feelings. (((hugs to your feelings)))

  97.  #97Femininewoman on July 25, 2014 at 4:23 pm


    Seems to me you did what felt best for you to do in the moment to take care of your aching heart.

  98.  #98Femininewoman on July 25, 2014 at 4:35 pm

    Marikaberg I have a friend who is 57 years old. Over 30 years ago a girl told him she does not want to play second fiddle to anyone. To this day he is still attracted to her even though he is married and he still talks about that she told him so.

    I believe men like it when women have standards and live by them. Don’t be afraid to tell him what you want in your life.

  99.  #99Azure Blu on July 25, 2014 at 4:55 pm

    Sophie #98
    Yessss!! I totally know what you’re saying…
    NOooo it does not hurt my feelings…
    cause I like and embrace my impish and playfull ways!! ;->

    Nice to hear you are too..

    My last cd was soooo NOT palyfull…
    he tried to be less negative and more smiliy but it was such a chore
    I had to let him go..
    and NOW i’m back to being my more playful self..

    Spiritcd is VERY playful and light hearted!!
    We play well together!!

  100.  #100Azure Blu on July 25, 2014 at 4:56 pm

    I pasted and copied the visiualization of cutting the cords and untangelling…
    Cause for me… even cds that I’m not that attached to
    when I break up there still are some
    ties that bind…
    I’m going to try that in the shower right now…
    before my date with Spiritcd

  101.  #101Liquid Light on July 25, 2014 at 6:33 pm

    This is the message I got from LD. If I was freaked out before, now I’m doubly freaked out! Yikes! Feedback, ladies?

    Hi LL: If we’re single…. we want to get on with our lives. The only trouble is – nobody wants to live life alone, so we all need to find somebody before we can get on with the life we dream about. And we are making the folks at online dating site very rich in the process….lol

    I have dedicated a few days between the 3rd and the 7th of August to follow-up on some nice words and some nice pictures of a lovely gal who (so far) finds me interesting… and may be 100% right for me.

    Don’t worry about your schedule… I am the guest and you are the host. Let’s find a place to meet that works for you and have a nice afternoon or evening and keep an open mind with no expectations. I’ll wear a suit and you can wear that dress. xxxx or yyyy or anything else you think would be nice is fine by me.

  102.  #102Linda on July 25, 2014 at 8:02 pm

    I have read all the posts …

    Medusa — my heart goes out to you. We make decisions that we can in the moment. You know what you can and can not handle. This is not about him it is about you only now!

    Marikaberg—the mental workouts you are doing. I can identify.. I have done exactly what you are and it led to me to being more centered and aware of what I liked, wanted and did not want. Process away and remember to be kind to yourself as you do.

    Dominique… as always.. thank you !

  103.  #103Kyla on July 25, 2014 at 9:03 pm

    Thank you sophie and azure blu!
    After I posted i went to my room to get the laundry and Ninja was using his laptop on the bed. He called me to him and I went to the bed, he looked at me for a moment and said put that down and come here so i lay down beside him and let me pull me onto his chest. After a minute he asked whats wrong. I feel mad, sigh, and I dont want to talk about it right now. I dont want to fight. He said hes not fighting, why are you mad. I tried to think of how to say what was bothering me but I still couldnt put my finger on what it really was as the ‘incident’ really wouldnt have bothered me normally so all that came out was I feel mad at you.. and I just dont want to fight with you right now. He gave me a squeeze and said I dont know why your mad but Im sorry for whatever it is and you can tell me when you’re ready. I promise I will just listen. After a few more minutes he asked if I needed him to tickle the words out of me.. That made me giggle and then we just went on with the day. Im feeling tired and stressed with unpacking and having so many kids all day (all the meigjbours too!) and there are a few little things like this that are not big deals and yet mean the world to me so I will talk to him about them when we have some quiet time and Im glad I didnt try to talk about it when I was feeling angry earlier as I kinda just wanted to vent and rant and use him as a punching bag.

  104.  #104Kyla on July 25, 2014 at 9:12 pm

    The rest of the day has been really fun, we got a lot done today and he has been playful and attentive with me and every now and then asking if Im still feeling mad to which I giggle and sure am and then he squeezes me. I feel quite happy really its just a few little housey things like table manners and wet towels on the floor that seem to rub me the wrong way lol not the end of the world and easy enough to negotiate when Im not tense.

  105.  #105Millie on July 26, 2014 at 1:25 am

    Violette–I loved reading your processing today. I can hear your anger, frustration, and then release of it into a calm, strong siren. I’m sorry to hear you are going through a rough time, take care of yourself and keep riding your horse 🙂

  106.  #106Millie on July 26, 2014 at 1:35 am

    I’d like some advice….
    This ex-bf of mine, who I was on and off with for years keeps texting me. I’m sure in his mind, maybe he thinks that “on and off” pattern will always be there. When he texts me it is usually late at night and these days has been links to songs. I told him once he had great taste in music and that I love the songs he shared. I think he holds on to that compliment and sends me songs because he knows I like it and it’s safe. The difficulty is…Ok..I think he’s engaged. I say “think” because the woman he was seeing posted she is engaged, but didn’t specify to who. So it is speculation on my part. Sometimes he is very sweet when he texts me, other times he can be very sexual and angry. I sense there is emotional turmoil in him, but there isn’t any in me. Frankly, I feel confused and annoyed. I want to grab him and say “Do you miss me? Is that it? What exactly do you want from me?” We’ve been over a long time….and I don’t want a future with him. I can be just friends with him, but I’m not sure that he can. In the past, when I start talking to him about the relationship, he either gets angry, withdraws, or repeats all this crap that he’s always said that means nothing to me. I blocked his # for awhile, and oddly enough today I unblocked it out of curiousity, wondering if he’d still contact me if he is actually engaged. And today he text me. I’ve ignored his texts before, but after all this time, he still reaches out. I want to talk to him, but at the same time, I don’t want to “get into it” with him. He has so many emotional blocks, I’m dont want to navigate through anymore. I care about him. I was actually thinking about him today…so it’s kind of strange. I don’t really know what to say anymore….or do…so I do and say nothing. Any thoughts?

  107.  #107Indigo on July 26, 2014 at 2:28 am

    Medusa, Azure Blu, Sophie, nyx 🙂

    I was popping out to the shops to get some things, and D handed me his wallet as he always does because he pays for almost everything (which is such a relief when I go shopping, not to have to worry about getting the cheapest brand and about whether I can or can’t get something), and then as I was heading out he stopped me and said, “Get something nice for yourself.” It felt so easy to smile at him and lean over and give him a kiss.

    He would have been fine with me getting something very nice, but as I was heading to the supermarket, I settled for a bottle of my favourite wine and a small bottle of Yardley Ballet 🙂

  108.  #108Veronica on July 26, 2014 at 2:30 am

    FunnyCD although very in touch with his feelings and very open about it, is still masculine: he’s giving himself to me, showing me who he is and how he feels about me but doesn’t seem to want a ‘therapist’ or a ‘mother’. He was telling me about a situation that was bugging him and that he wanted to change. I told him I didn’t know the situation well enough to suggest anything especially since it was an issue that needed to be handled carefully, to which he replied that he just wanted to share with me. I’m pretty much feeling awed at this point.

  109.  #109Indigo on July 26, 2014 at 2:55 am

    Liquid Light 108,

    For me, I’d be feeling wowed by that message. In my opinion, it’s pretty much perfect.

  110.  #110Femininewoman on July 26, 2014 at 6:45 am

    Millie it seems to me that you are giving a lot of psychic energy to someone you don’t want to communicate with and something you don’t want to talk about. It just goes to show how we ping pong back and forth to exs when our lives are not in a place where we want it to be. Knowing my history I believe the possibility exist that you could end up going back to him only to be eventually reminded of the reason why he is now an ex.

    On the flip side when a man is attracted to you, my experience is that the attraction doesn’t go away. For the most part the guys keep coming back, especially when they are single. At least that’s my experience. I believe it is kinda an attempt to make you his “the one”. People change, things change and they need certain things in their mind to be in a relationship.

    Question is what exactly is it you want? Why would you let him into your life again by unblocking his number? What does the unblocking say about you and where you are at? Bring it back to you and see if there is something you can learn about yourself.

    Is it possible you could practice holding boundaries with him and building your self esteem? If feels incredibly powerful to say no to things you don’t want in your life. It is incredibly sexy and appealing to know a man wants you bad when you know he is only a snack to you that you can live without.

  111.  #111Veronica on July 26, 2014 at 6:54 am

    Liquid Light – 108 – That message on its own seems pretty awesome. He seems attentive and wants to be attentive to your needs. That dress you wore has had an effect on him. He’s cleared out days in advance and seems to be willing to do whatever you want regarding your schedule. Has other stuff been happening with him that has you feeling worried? Could you help me understand how you see this as something to be freaked out about?

  112.  #112Azure Blu on July 26, 2014 at 7:17 am

    sequoia #95
    It feels authentic and vulnerable and brave
    AND loving YOU
    to share with G that feeling like a booty call
    does NOT feel good to you…
    Indeed… it will be interesting to see what he does…

    This is a good reminder to me of why I WAIT before I get intimate…
    This is just me…
    but MY emotions get all tangled when i’ve shared sex with a man…
    for me…
    the imbalance of sharing something sooo intimate with someone I’m NOT emotionally intimate with yet…
    I think is what throws my spirit off… throws MY LOVE for ME off.
    Throws ME off to the core….

  113.  #113Azure Blu on July 26, 2014 at 7:27 am

    Lovely Siren…
    I feel you should give YOURSELF
    LOTS of LOVE and appreciation…
    YOU are going through soo much!

    Ending a marriage…
    Learning about dating again the RR way…
    Learning to LOVE and Cherish your feelings and

    I know how difficult it is to Stop obsessing over
    someone you have a crush on…

    Interesting you mentioned high school dating…
    Maybe you could
    visualize that lovely, young high school girl and gently pull her over to you and hug her…
    Tell her you are there for her…
    You are soooo sorry she is hurting…
    You will NEVER leave her…

  114.  #114Azure Blu on July 26, 2014 at 7:39 am

    LL #108…
    How PERFECT is that!!!
    I feel excited and inspired thinking about
    this very masculine man coming to vitis you!!!

  115.  #115Indigo on July 26, 2014 at 7:41 am

    marikaberg 117,

    As I understand it, Evan Marc Katz’s work is the same as Rori’s in this way… ie. let the man do the initiating, let him lead the relationship, row the boat, and you receive or respond to what he is doing.

    If it were me, I probably would have offered a feeling message about how I feel about texts: “I don’t feel crazy about texting, it feels unromantic to me. I prefer phone calls.”

  116.  #116Azure Blu on July 26, 2014 at 7:44 am

    (((Kyla))) beautiful, warm Siren…
    Are you getting some emotional support from friends and family via phone conversations?

    And also here on Siren Island…

    It’s not fair to expect alllll support to come from each other…
    Also a gentle reminder…
    This is ALLL VERY NEW!!! SOOO many major life changes…
    for ALLL of you…

    Gently pull your angry, frustrated, overwhelmed
    little girl
    over close to you and sit with her…
    Talk to her and give her MUCH compassion…
    she might be feeling like you have gone WAY
    too far and
    have forgotten that she needs
    time and LOVE To navigate allll of this!!!

  117.  #117Azure Blu on July 26, 2014 at 7:47 am

    FW #118…
    Yes, yes!!!
    This is such a good insight!!

  118.  #118Azure Blu on July 26, 2014 at 7:48 am

    Indigo #114!!
    Soooo very nice…

  119.  #119Azure Blu on July 26, 2014 at 7:50 am

    Veronica #115…
    Yay Funnycd!!
    I love hearing how things are progressing ….
    and all that YOU are learning about YOU!!

  120.  #120Kim on July 26, 2014 at 7:58 am

    Hello Ladies
    Checking in, been reading your interesting comments.
    I surfaced after a horrible 10 days. Totally in boy energy or non energy at times, but the ball is rolling, I have an attorney for my damages and am more or less stuck here, unable to sell or rent my place until the liBility is established and the place is fixed. Could take months. I need an income fast.
    More boy energy…ugh.

    Meanwhile, men have been coming from all sides. Went out with an old CD yeaterday, we kissed and I felt nothing, like kissing a plastic dummy lol. He is a good kisser too and got all worked up. Lol.

    Tattoo man/wild child kinda redeemed himself a little.
    He came around to my place, to check my damage and give me an estimate (in construction so that helped), and he gave me lots of hugs. He was so sweet to me, and we talked about the ex living situation and he explained why he was so nervous about telling me, and I explained why I felt betrayed (one of the first things I said to him was I am not wanting to date another man still attached to an ex….and he said ‘oh me, I am not’, just living with her!).

    He didn’t try to kiss me but I could see he was struggling lol…lots of sparks but I totally held back/leaned back…and
    Ater on in the day he invited himself around for a wine evening and I had to say that firstly, no more hanging out in my Condo, and secondly, I was already busy (with the old CD). I have a feeling this is not over…

    The guy i had been on and off dating for ten months also reappeared wanting to take me out sunday. I said yes.

    I also had a date with a guy from the dating website, but he wanted to get physical right away. Next.

    So while I don’t have a dating partner, I a, experimenting a lot, suits me right now….

  121.  #121Azure Blu on July 26, 2014 at 8:11 am

    I had a date with Spiritcd…
    the date morphed from beer garden and dancing
    to movie and drinks.
    He played 18 holes of golf so our date didn’t start until 8:30 which was perfect for
    me as I worked late and wanted to get my workout in

    Sooo while we were sitting on the couch we
    gently changed plans… and got to the downtown beautiful renovated movie theater
    in time for
    The Grand Seduction!!! What a great movie…
    and he loved it too!!!
    A gently told story of a dieing fishing town in New Foundland , seducing a doctor to live in the town…
    It was wonderful!!

    Spiritcd is sooo positive..
    I am learning sooo much being around his positive nature…
    He talked about how he LOVES this beautiful theater…
    How amazing it is…

    I usually just go and i do think it’s so beautiful
    BUT I forget to relax and sink into
    just being in that maganificent old theater and
    appreciating all of its grandure and style…

    He was less energetic and aggressive
    which was nice… (it was friday and he had just played 18 holes of golf soooo was tired!!!) :->

    I noticed I wanted to lean forward and compensate..
    Sooo i tried to lean back…

    I didn’t share with him my thoughts on feeling overwhelmed with his sexual advances cause
    he was less so…

    Lovely evening…

    He textd me on the way home after the date…
    “Love your lingering smelll….”
    He is sooo good at softly staying connected

    I actually told him during the evening
    cause we were talking about the pictures he had textd me while he was golfing…

    “You’re sooo good at staying connected
    by texting funny pics and texts off and on…”
    then i leaned into his ear (we were sitting at the bar)
    and whispered “I like it”

  122.  #122Indigo on July 26, 2014 at 8:42 am

    Azure Blu,

    Your date sounds like suuuuch an enjoyable night!

    You have such a warm, gentle vibe. Glad you are having a great time!

  123.  #123Azure Blu on July 26, 2014 at 8:49 am

    Ahhhh… sooo good to hear from you!
    Was missing your energy and energetic vibrations!!!
    Sooo good to hear you have gotten some help with your flooding and water damage situation…

    Ohhhh… that beautiful siren vibe you have going on…
    attracting alll the bees to your luscious, sweet, yummy siren honey!!!
    AND interesting to hear about wildmancd…
    I feel you are holding YOUR boundaries and being your soft lovely self!!!

  124.  #124Azure Blu on July 26, 2014 at 8:50 am

    Indigo… #130
    mmmm… that feels goood.
    thank you.. oxoxo

  125.  #125sequoia on July 26, 2014 at 9:00 am

    I had no date last night and I have none tonight. G texted me last night telling me that he’s thinking of me and asking if I am on a date. It annoys me that he doesn’t ask me on dates. he is working all the time at the moment. Are men really so single focused that if they have stress at work they do not arrange any dates? I don’t understand and I believe if he would be really into me he would ask me out instead of asking me if am dating.

    I felt a lot of anxiety coming up again today…I feel afraid that if am not doing anything active I won’t find love, be loved. I guess its sthg very subconscious within myself and I believe that some part of me really thinks I have to do sthg to be loved as I can not and probably was never loved for just being myself esp. by those parents I had, who used me to feel better about themselves most of the time – which isn’t love at all.

    so feeling this anxiety feels very uncomfortable but I have the feeling I am onto sthg. here.

  126.  #126Kim on July 26, 2014 at 9:05 am

    Azure Blu thank you and hello!!
    Your date, and the description of your date and the man sounds so yummy!!
    And I love the way you are with him…wow…I am going to take some hints from that. I find myself either being a bit cool or ‘funny’ with a man and need to develop more soft on the outside and strong on the inside. Finding myself usually being the exact opposite.
    Wow, your account othat date is totally inspiring!!

    Right at this point wildchild and his friend are sitting in the truck at my parking lot. They had asked whether they could park there for us all to go paddleboarding. I said yes.
    A storm came.
    They are still there lol.
    Never asked me whether they could come up….feeling amused here in the dry, with coffee 🙂
    He sent me some cheerful texts. I think he is happy just to sit in my parking lot in the rain! They could have parked directly on the beach instead. I feel highly amused!!

    I don’t even know whether I will get to see him at all as I am not going to the beach unless it clears up (unlikely).

    I can almost feel the sparks from 16 floors down….lol.

  127.  #127Azure Blu on July 26, 2014 at 9:09 am

    Veronica #119…
    reading this I feel a NEW Veronica
    I get a feeling of self assured,
    powerful and lovely!!!
    wings outstreached and ready to fly

  128.  #128Indigo on July 26, 2014 at 9:14 am

    Kim, if I may say so, you sound so great! My impression from the years I have seen you post is that your siren self seems to have grown by leaps and bounds 🙂

    marikaberg, YAY you!!

  129.  #129Azure Blu on July 26, 2014 at 9:23 am

    Mmmmm… so cool how he likes just being close by…
    I like how you stay leaning back even though he’s sooo close by…

    About me being soft on the outside…
    I have struggled with this as I have always had
    a bristly, agitated energy with a loud voice..
    and have always wanted to be more calm and soft and warm…
    Since Rori’s tools of giving ME lots of gentle, soft caring LOVE..
    it is getting easier to be the soft warm woman I like being…
    I like to visualize ME speaking softly
    When I go over my dates I reinact
    them with me being MORE warm, leaning in and speaking softly…
    I know we’re NOT to lean in..
    So I’ll lean in for a softly spoken answer or into their ear… AND lean back..

    It seems to be more natural now…
    Mmmmm… nice…

  130.  #130Azure Blu on July 26, 2014 at 9:27 am

    PS… I think with being soft on the outside…
    I think part of the formula is that The right man inspires MORE of that from me…
    Spiritcd does have a warmth and so is easy for me to be softer…

  131.  #131Kim on July 26, 2014 at 9:27 am

    Thanks Indigo, uhmmm..I don’t see myself quite as that but it feels so nice to read..

    And thank you Azure Blu… 🙂
    There is hope for my bristly self then, yay.

    Uh oh, weather clearing up…

  132.  #132Azure Blu on July 26, 2014 at 9:33 am

    I’m visiualizingYOU on a paddle board!!!

  133.  #133Veronica on July 26, 2014 at 10:44 am

    Azure Blu – 127 – I feel so good hearing and ‘seeing’ you here : ) I am so glad I can come here and share – sometimes I wonder if this is happening the way it’s happening, it feels so awesome. This is on a different level entirely. Yay to FunnyCD!

    136 – Really? Oh thank you so much. I feel encouraged and noticed by your words. My old stuff is coming up – fears of abandonment, of losing hope, of even feeling.

    129 – oooh how his enthusiasm for the theatre opened up new-found enjoyment for you – that is tingly special. Oh my word no wonder he likes your lingering smell (swoon!) after that whisper of ‘I like it’! I have to tell myself to breathe lol. Sireny!

    139 – Oh I so agree about the right man inspiring more siren-ness.

  134.  #134Kyla on July 26, 2014 at 10:46 am

    ((((LL)))) sounds delicious to me, cant think how it could be more perfect. Where is the panic and pressure inside you? If you dont feel comfortable obviously dont go.

  135.  #135Azure Blu on July 26, 2014 at 10:48 am

    sequoia #135
    Ahhh yes… the overfunctioning Me
    ‘Cause I MUST WORK for MY love!!
    I’m NOT simply worthy of love
    just because I’m ME….

    Rori has helped me soooo much with this…
    I was the QUEEN of unworthyness
    That vibe is soooo much smaller…
    I’m sooo excited thinking of that
    amazing man I am attracting!!!

  136.  #136Veronica on July 26, 2014 at 10:49 am

    Kim – 135 – I burst out laughing when you said they were still waiting in the parking lot. Hilarious.

  137.  #137Veronica on July 26, 2014 at 11:04 am

    Feeling shaky and the ‘what if NVs’ almost have a hold on me, panic in my throat and then the reminder that I’m only interested in men who adore me, when they stop adoring me I lose interest – not a ‘motto’, just how I am. I feel afraid to feel more, to be more sensitive. I worry that I won’t be able to handle it.

    I don’t like the chemistry buzz feelings of the initial date period – I’m scared of being sucked into the fantasy/imaginary when I *know* the real thing is better. It’s like losing touch. With me, with the other person, with what’s going on. I feel afraid the chemistry will wash me away and up somewhere I don’t want to be. I recognize that feeling these fears, I want to take care of me, making sure that even though sooo much is going well, I still need to make sure that this is what I really want. I’m connecting to my love for me which seems a little different in this new situation.

  138.  #138Indigo on July 26, 2014 at 2:03 pm

    So, true to my vow to myself, I have continued Circular Dating even though I am in love with D. It’s interesting to observe how Circular Dating plays out when you are in love with someone.

    Tonight, I let J take me to the movies. He’s a lovely guy, very gentlemanly, very aware of treating women gently, respectfully and as precious things. He always picks me up, always pays. But he talks so much! I asked him about his cricket match, which unleashed talking that never seemed like it would end, all about the finer details of sport and leagues etc. which I have no interest in! I realized he didn’t need me to comment, but he just needed to get out his commentary. I sat there smiling to myself thinking, I could never live with this. He took my hand before we went into the movies and I realized that I really didn’t want him to. The movie was very funny though, and I had a pleasant evening.

    There is another guy, who is a friend, who has suggested we meet for coffee tomorrow – he wants to give me some TV shows – and I noticed how weird it feels that I’ll be driving to the coffee place, rather than being picked up by the guy, which I have become accustomed to. I was surprised to notice that it feels off!

    Anyway, I feel great. I feel happy, and at ease in my life. I feel calm, I feel trust beginning to grow, and I like that.

  139.  #139Millie on July 26, 2014 at 2:06 pm

    Femininewoman 118–

    Thank you for responding! I don’t see myself going back to him, ever. He can’t give me what I want. I hear you on the amount of energy I’m spending on this… I’ve known him for a good many years, and we went back and forth many times, so the unblocking and blocking is my own “back and forth” pattern that is a habit. I only blocked him in the first place because he was being annoying, not because he was stalking me or anything like that. Honestly, I like the attention, I like knowing he is thinking of me after all this time, and I feel curious to whether he will actually get married, but I don’t want to open the can of worms. So, I guess there is my answer.

  140.  #140luzydel on July 26, 2014 at 2:29 pm

    “We attract what we’re capable of dealing with, so in these token relationships, as much as we want love, we have to look at how unavailable we are to it’s full commitment.”

    Pretty much why I end up in dead end relationships… there are not tolls needed; Just be honest with myself…

  141.  #141Femininewoman on July 26, 2014 at 4:18 pm

    clap clap clap loud applause Millie

  142.  #142Veronica on July 26, 2014 at 8:52 pm

    Marikaberg – 147 – Just to read the words that you know that feeling soothes me. Thank you. And your writing about keeping your eyes on what’s in front of you – I just want to rest there for a while.
    This blog is such a great place.

  143.  #143Veronica on July 26, 2014 at 8:53 pm

    Indigo -148 – I’m so encouraged by your strength to carry on CDing even though you’re in love. May I ask – how is it that you’re not afraid of losing D/losing the love of D?

    Trust beginning to grow – wow. Is it trust in yourself that you are referring to?

  144.  #144Veronica on July 26, 2014 at 8:56 pm

    I woke up with this feeling of determination – my boy energy is getting ready to do whatever to help me with this new situation. But this boy energy is more subtle. Yesterday I was worried about slipping into imaginary-land. I read FunnyCD’s blog and realized that he’s always been a very sensitive and caring person – I realized that I was taking care of myself. With BM he was very caring and seemed emotionally open in the beginning which was why I liked him so much only to realize much much later that he isn’t actually emotionally open at all. The thought of this fills me with horror and panic – I’d rather be alone. I realize now I need my romantic partner to be emotionally open with me. Then I read FunnyCD’s e-mail – he says I remind him of a poem he wrote a while ago: it’s about wanting to be a river, a spirit river; that he feels encouraged by me to flow. Oh my word!!! This man! *Breathe*

  145.  #145Linda on July 26, 2014 at 9:16 pm

    I enjoyed my day. Did my toes. Relaxed. Bought a new pair of flip flops.

    I was going to go out to dinner and live outdoor music tonight. The evening was rained out though. So I just relaxed and watch TV and snuggled with my puppy.

    My flip flops are comfortable.. my puppy is so soft and my toes look pretty good. In all it was a good day!

  146.  #146Indigo on July 26, 2014 at 11:51 pm

    Veronica 155,


  147.  #147Indigo on July 27, 2014 at 12:06 am

    Veronica 154,

    If I can describe my relationship with D in one way, it would be as a long, healing journey. We both had quite a lot of issues, and quite a lot of baggage, at the beginning, and when I look at how far we’ve come, I marvel. No, I’m not afraid of losing him, and I’m not afraid of losing his love for me or my love for him. That is one thing I am not afraid of. I think that is what happens when you travel such a long and painful journey together, and face various obstacles that would send most people running for the hills, and still prove to each other that you will be there at the end of it. The bond that we have for each other is the one thing that I do not doubt, and it is something I battle to explain to other people or get them to understand, so generally I keep it close to myself.

    As far as we’ve come – no more fights, his attentiveness, his healing of anger, sleeping in the same bed, new medication, healing of issues relating to female friends – we are not there yet, and we are not exclusively involved, so yes I will continue CDing. I feel happy when I hear him talking about us going to certain events again that we have not been to in over 2 years, and I am content to let things unfold and continue healing. I suppose that is what I mean by trust – trust in the process, trust in what I have come to learn in the last 4 years, and definitely trust in my own strength.

    Thank you for asking. I hope my answer makes some kind of sense. x

  148.  #148Sirenity on July 27, 2014 at 5:13 am

    To aint over till its over. When the feelings of shock and devastation and rage subside and feelings about him become neutral, then its finally over. This may take years after so long together, so in the meantime , minimising exposure and moving away physically are excellent plans. Getting rid of reminders is vital to expedite things.. Its also important to know that who ever he is with next is not about you, does not reflect on you and says nothing at all about you. The fact that you stayed for many years with an angry jealous man and then woke up to the need to look after YOU is what says everything about your courage and wisdom.

  149.  #149Azure Blu on July 27, 2014 at 7:31 am

    Indigo #158
    Ohhh… I love hearing your story about D…
    When you mentioned about “Trust beginning to grow”
    I was also curious…
    I feel amazed with your spirit and love and how you have hung in there…
    But you keep riding YOUR horse
    It is a lovely unfolding Love…
    Sighhhhh…. :-}

  150.  #150Indigo on July 27, 2014 at 9:21 am

    Azure Blu,

    Trust was something that was somewhat missing in the earlier days… which wasn’t very surprising considering some of the things which have happened.

    About hanging in there – I can honestly, from the bottom of my heart, tell you that I wouldn’t have done it if something inside me had not grabbed a hold of me and told me to stay put, and had I not experienced the healing power of that love over and over again. I was in the unique position in my life where my happiness and willingness to see what came next was stronger than any pain or fear I felt. It’s an unusual love story I know, but I absolutely love it.

  151.  #151Kim on July 27, 2014 at 10:39 am

    Aw Ladies I had the BEST TIME with wild child…Azure Blu, you were envisioning right, he got me onto the paddleboard!,

    I finally met up with them on the beach and I was going to wimp out, but he was the most patient and kindest and most oersistent teacher ever. He even lifted my backside up onto the paddleboard and paddled me around like a princess lmbo!!!
    He took tons of pictures of me like a stranded whale lying on the paddleboard and I just soaked up the attention and good things.

    Later I went out with a gf who knows him and she said everything he said is true, he is only living with the ex for practical reasons..hmm.

    Later on we met up with the boys..and he even stopped drinking because he wanted to take me home safely…so sweet.

    He stayed the night. It was amazing. A very intimate experiencd, haven’t had that in sooo long.
    I am just going to enjoy this even though we are not really a match, lol, even the girl said ‘oh he is a lovely guy but you guys are not really a match….he is still growing up and you have your shit together’ well, I don’t, but that is pretty much the same impression I have too.

    Just enjoying.

    Now another man, another day…another date…

  152.  #152IamHis on July 27, 2014 at 11:00 am

    I feel anxious that R hasn’t called to confirm our plans for tonight.

    It would feel good to feel confirmed a lot earlier than this. I feel unsettled.


  153.  #153Kim on July 27, 2014 at 11:15 am

    Marikaberg. I was asking myself the same thing, how nkt to get attached. It’s not about sex, that never got me attached, it’s about hiw a man makes me feel when we do stuff together, well the whole picture. Including physical closeness.
    I am dating other people,mwhich does help.
    However, if I am honest with myself, I am feeling a little attached, but recently I never quickly get attached to a man who isn’t consistent for a few months and hasn’t asked for a commitment etc. as long as neither of these things happen, I feel free and like all is open.
    I am trying to just enjoy things not with a view of ‘getting me anywhere’, but just as they are.
    This takes practice.
    I think the attachment I have right now is probably mostly chemistry, and that is something which as soon as a man proves unsuitable in all or any of the other ways, means nothing much to me.
    Great touch, kissing and sex have never made a relationship for me..

  154.  #154Kim on July 27, 2014 at 11:16 am

    If sex makes you feel attached then best to stop until you have things on a path that feels good to you.

  155.  #155Kimi on July 27, 2014 at 11:43 am

    Hi Rori,
    Sorry this question is off topic from your post but I wasn’t sure where to ask about this. I’ve seen posts of yours and program suggestions, where you are helping women to get their man interested in them again, building attraction and things like that.

    But do you have advice for a woman who us not sexually attracted to her husband? I feel like I love him and I feel like I don’t want to lose him
    But at the same time I just feel obligated to have sex with him and it’s starting to make my skin crawl. I know that I ultimately have the choice to have sex or to not have sex with him or any man I’m involved with, but dealing with his hurt, frustration, anger and resentment over me NOT wanting sex with him can feel even MORE unpleasant than having sex with him. So I do.

    I feel like I’ve lost attraction for him because I don’t have time for myself. I feel like I’m always having to tend to either the children or to him. I feel like I have no space, no time and no room for ME in my own life. I feel like a maid, like a servant to my family. I feel like my needs don’t matter. I really feel unimportant in my own life.

    I want to be able to fix this situation I’m in. But its difficult for me because I don’t know how to take care of me when I have two small children to care for (7months and 3 years old). I try, but one of them always needs something. How can a mother really follow your advice without nannys or daycare? It doesn’t seem possible. :c

    Sometimes I feel like runing away from my marriage. End it. Divorce. That way, sometimes the children could be with their father, while I have time to myself. But then that feels extremely selfish. And I would feel afraid to enter into a new relationship with a new man anyway because it feels like, once your in a committed relationship, a man feels like he should get sex from you, like I am obligated or something.

    The “obligation” factor alone, turns me off. It makes me feel like not having sex. And if I do, sex feels like a chore.

    When you’re dating, men pursue you, take you out, have fun with you, get to know you while sex is OPTIONAL. Its up to the woman whether or not she wants to have sex based on how she feels. But in a marriage, sex feels like an obligation.

    I am just feeling so turned off! I don’t know what to do or how to talk to my husband about any if this. I was looking for any related posts written by you, but I haven’t found any… Mostly just advice for women who’s husbands have lost attraction for them, not the other way around.

    Can you help me? Do any of your programs address these kinds of issues?? Please help Rori.

    Thank you,

  156.  #156Liquid Light on July 27, 2014 at 11:47 am

    I moved yesterday to my new place and I absolutely love it here. I’m still settling in, its going to take me a while, but now I feel like since I have a job and new apartment, I can focus on my social life and have some fun! Woohooo!!

  157.  #157IamHis on July 27, 2014 at 11:51 am

    Okay…the flick we were supposed to see starts in an hour and I haven’t heard from him since Thursday.

    This would be our second date.

    Is this normal?

    I feel embarrassed.

    and anxious.

    and a little panick-y.

  158.  #158IamHis on July 27, 2014 at 11:56 am

    Okay, I feel angry. Feedback would feel great. and please pretend that you are talking to a thirteen year old girl who knows nothing about dating, because that’s what I feel like.


  159.  #159Ignis on July 27, 2014 at 11:57 am

    Things slowly begin to emerge from the numbness. I figured out that each time I start to feel something that i do not like i go out for a smoke for example. So I decided, I will use next month to only do things for myself. I will get shredded (was working out for a year already and lost 30 kg) and I quit smoking. I will start writing a feeling journal, and I will throw out all the things from my house i do not need. And since I work one week on and one week off I do have plenty of time to get all those things done. I will go out alone and walk around the city to see how that feels. Being for myself. And I hope when I come back here in a month I will be in a different place. Not in this numbness anymore. Hugs brave ladies 🙂

  160.  #160Ignis on July 27, 2014 at 12:00 pm

    @IamHis hugs, just find a backup plan fast? you can come with me on a messenger date 🙂

  161.  #161IamHis on July 27, 2014 at 12:04 pm

    I do have a backup plan, I just feel angry because I want to know for sure. Rrrrr. You are sweet, Ignis, thank you. 🙂

  162.  #162IamHis on July 27, 2014 at 12:46 pm

    Riff time. It’s called common courtesy.

    Feeling guilty, because time kept passing last night and I had plans with a friend and deep down, I just didn’t really want to go…or I didn’t feel good about going or I wanted to take my time about going or…something.

    This feels like payback and it feels lousy.

    At least I texted my friend letting her know I was running late, and I did show up.

    again with the common courtesy.

    and now I feel all curious and wtf.

    and I’m imagining him either sitting there alone or cuddled up to someone hotter and more confident than me.


    These freaking guys in their early 20’s. They keep staring at me.

    I”M NOT imagining it.

    The one guy said “hi” and then months past with him just starting.

    I finally walked up and introduced myself to him when he was talking to a friend of mine.

    and this other guy in his early 20’s keeps lingering around me.

    We have mutual acquaintances, and this one time, the acquaintance was talking to me and then left and the staring guy looked at me expectantly.

    and I don’t know, I just didn’t feel like talking.

    last night I was talking to a different friend who is an acquaintance of this guy, and he walked up and just stood by my friend.

    I felt like he was trying to get my attention, but I felt annoyed at the same time.

    and now I feel embarrassed for typing all this out.

    Someone psycho-analyze me?

    I don’t feel good. I feel grumpy.

    I’m going to go take a nap and then proceed to my Plan B.

    I feel angry.

  163.  #163Indigo on July 27, 2014 at 12:46 pm


    In this same situation, I have experimented with it both ways, either:

    1) Texting him and saying I feel unsure about whether we are still meeting at x time at y place. And then when I see him telling him that I prefer plans to be confirmed.

    or 2) assuming that because plans are unconfirmed that we are not meeting, and then doing the best-feeling thing for myself that I can think of.

    Which one I choose depends on how I am feeling at the time, but normally I go with 2.


  164.  #164IamHis on July 27, 2014 at 12:48 pm

    ((((Indigo))))) – thank you!

  165.  #165IamHis on July 27, 2014 at 12:55 pm

    I just want to go on circular dates with guys I’m not repulsed by, but I honestly do feel scared around guys I’m not repulsed by.

    I told R that I felt really nervous because he was the first guy I’d met online.

    I couldn’t believe my terror, and it was so intense that I didn’t even want to speak it until I felt better.

    and I don’t want to go on dates with guys I’m repulsed by!

    Who am I repulsed by? Super-eager guys. and the super eager guys all seem to be over-weight and bald.

    I feel judgmental.

    I’m not exactly skinny.


    and then I realized that I’m so afraid of commitment, that I don’t even go online to date without knowing in the back of mind that I could be moving soon.

    I think that’s the only reason I even felt safe to do it in the first place.

    I’m like the runaway bride, but I know how I like my eggs!!!!

    Scrambled with lots of cheese!

    and omelets, I like omelets!!!!!!!!!!

    I feel so triggered. I need to go do my plan B instead of typing on here.


  166.  #166Indigo on July 27, 2014 at 12:58 pm

    I feel needy, grumpy, restless feelings, which I have always had the urge to push down in the past, and plaster over with a calm exterior. But now, I am cradling those feelings, hugging them, holding them gently but firmly.

    So what if I feel grumpy, restless, needy? That is ok, I am allowed and it doesn’t make me a bad person 🙂

  167.  #167Indigo on July 27, 2014 at 1:05 pm

    There were a few things that happened today which stirred the feelings I described above.

    I had a lovely drinks meeting with a new guy friend. We talked and talked and I could happily have talked all night, but I had to get home. It was comfortable and delightful and I loved it.

    I had to block my prospective new boss on my whatsapp application on my phone. Very inappropriately I feel he has been messaging me on this app, at odd times and with completely unimportant messages. It was weird and off, and it made me feel angry. I do not feel there is anything malicious in it, just a complete lack of boundaries – it made me feel huffy puffy hot chested that I needed to block him.

    I wanted to chat to D this evening but couldn’t.

    All these feelings came together to form this restless, grumpy soup, which I am now hugging myself for 🙂

  168.  #168Sophie on July 27, 2014 at 1:11 pm

    Iamhis – I do exactly the same as Indigo

    Ignis – your plan sounds great – I would so love to do that for myself…I feel very suffocated – no space to do the things I would love to do for myself…good luck!

    Indigo – I feel happy that you bought yourself something nice

    I feel anxious right now.Not just right now but in general now – my anxiety levels are high. I am run by the anxiety. I feel vulnerable, less assertive, then I offer things to preempt criticism then I end up more busy then I end up more anxious. I don’t have time for men. I don’t have time for me! B – thank everything – is helping. He is house-hunting for him – and house organising for me. He has acknowledged that ‘I do too much’ and has started to pick up some of the slack. Too late, but gratefully received none the less.

    Portuguese man has been attempting to create a date but it hasn’t worked. He works shifts and never knows when he’ll be free…I feel overwhelmed by how much I have to do.I then began to feel overwhelmed by me keep saying no to him. I felt concerned about ‘disappointing him’. It added to my feelings of stress. I wanted to cry. I feel happy that he hasn’t contacted me in a couple of days. He’s nice enough but I have no time – it’s as simple as that.

    I feel anxious with work. My freelance work I feel terrified everytime I submit anything. I am afraid I haven’t done it well enough and I will be criticised. I over compensate by offering too much for too little. With my part time job I feel sly and secretive. I know I am going to have to leave yet they talk to me about the future. I feel afraid of ‘disappointing them too’.

    I am attempting to pay bills (for which I have no money unless I freelance endlessly) and redecorate my house in a very short space of time (without any time because I am freelancing endlessly). I feel very tired.

    On the other side, all the endless activity keeps other emotion at bay. Endless activity means I feel panic and overwhelmed, punctuated with crying fits. In the slowed down moments, fear of what I’m doing edges in…I am letting go of everything that I have anchored myself too. I am leaping into the unknown. I feel it is right. I feel it is okay. I also feel (when I allow myself to) the loss of that.

    Endless activity also means physically I feel rubbish. I don’t always sleep well or I want to always be asleep. I smoke as a stimulant and a pacifier and I can’t stop though I desperately want to because I know it makes me feel worse. I have no time to exercise though this should be a priority. I am cerebral. I don’t feel sireny at all. I feel messy. I need some beauty care but have no money.

    I don’t know why Portuguese man is so persistent. I then wonder what is wrong with him ha ha. I wouldn’t want to go out with me right now. I am a stressed out ball of un-managability. Does he want to save me? Is he lonely?

  169.  #169Veronica on July 27, 2014 at 1:17 pm

    Oh my word I think FunnyCD is the Rori Raye man.

  170.  #170Sophie on July 27, 2014 at 1:21 pm

    I need a proper break. It’s been a long time since I’ve felt that ahhhhhhh of being able to just let it all go for a while

  171.  #171Sophie on July 27, 2014 at 1:22 pm

    Veronica – what RR man?!

  172.  #172Azure Blu on July 27, 2014 at 1:33 pm

    I agree with Indigo also…

    I have done this the last time this happened…
    I didn’t hear from the cd for confirmation sooo
    met with friends at the bar…
    In the middle of the evening I textd him…
    I’m feeling confused…
    He texted me back… Why?
    Me: I feel like I have been stood up.
    I’ve never been stood up before…
    He then tried to call but the bar was noisy
    Sooo when I got home He texted
    “can we talk?”
    Me: “Yes, I can talk tomorrow morning”
    We actually did work things out and
    we dated for several months after….

  173.  #173Azure Blu on July 27, 2014 at 1:34 pm

    What do you mean by the Rori Raye man?

  174.  #174IamHis on July 27, 2014 at 4:38 pm

    Thanks, Azureblu. I feel confused because I’ve never been stood up before, either. How did he explain things in his case?

  175.  #175Veronica on July 27, 2014 at 8:24 pm

    Sophie and Azure Blu

    I’m sorry – it was late and I was feeling both tired and giddy. What I meant by the RR man phrase was that FunnyCD does so much that is like the good man Rori talks about. For example, we were talking about how we each understand relationship and what’s happening between us.
    Moments that made me realise he’s a really good man:
    – describing the joy he gets from my presence alone being more valuable than what he gives materially or the time he spends with me
    – he values my RESPONSE to what he shares with me (his sole intention being to just share with me) such that at points he feels like he’s melting
    – that when he says he wants more (and I start feeling nervous because it sounds like wanting tie things down when I’m not ready in myself) only to find out that he wants to know me more, explore more, share more, give to me more – this makes me feel safer to continue with my own enthusiasm [the critical thing here which is so important to me is that *I* get to be present as me in this – I struggle to convey how crucial this is]

    The result of the above is that I sense a more subtle dignity has emerged after this conversation. As in I’m starting to think I can really take him seriously as a potential partner – it’s starting to become less like practicing and I’m starting to value his person.

    I hope this makes sense.

  176.  #176Azure Blu on July 27, 2014 at 10:55 pm

    IamHis #187

    Mmmmm… well
    we talked in the morning and
    he started by saying “the phone works both ways”
    Me:”yes, but I’m used to, when I’m asked out the date is confirmed ahead of time”
    Him: I tried to call you..
    Me: it wasn’t until 7:00 pm that night
    and I was out and I couldn’t talk..
    Him: I wanted to talk to you and explain
    Me: I do apologize, because I should have told you
    then, I’d talk in the morning
    Him: Well, I apologize and from now on I’ll confirm the date at least a day before…
    Me: I feel really happy about that. That works really well for me… thank you…
    We dated exclusively for 4 months…
    he actually did start getting flaky again…
    That’s why I broke it off…

  177.  #177Sophie on July 28, 2014 at 12:05 am

    Veronica – I feel inspired watching this all unfold for you. watching how you are honouring your feelings …. and then seeing how the men are responding – higher quality men! I feel excited!

    I didn’t sleep 🙁 maybe 3 or 4 hours broken – now i’m rushing to work and all my plans for this afternoon will likely not get done. i feel pain in my jaw – tight – grindy teeth pain. I felt pressure on my chest whilst trying to sleep. I feel anxiety at this job – ugh – I will rush to get up then change my thoughts around.

  178.  #178Indigo on July 28, 2014 at 12:38 am

    Sophie 181,

    I feel this would be a good time to practice speaking the truth, with honesty, and to practice not worrying what other people’s opinions of it might be. To work out beforehand what you do feel capable of doing, to practice simply stating that simply and matter of factly to your clients etc.? I do resonate with what you’re saying, I used to be so much like that, and there is a certain amount of anxiety that comes with knowing your limits and speaking those to others, but it’s not nearly as much as if you don’t honour your own limits.

    Much love to you

  179.  #179Sophie on July 28, 2014 at 6:13 am

    Hi Indigo

    Yes – half the time I don’t know what my own limits are because I’m so desperate for the money. I need to work out which is my priority – the money or my well-being – though I see intellectually no wellbeing doesn’t help the money! I am practising speaking the truth a tiny, tiny bit at a time – I see how it works out infinitely better in the lives of others.

    Opportunity tomorrow, in a meeting at work – I am in the middle of my line manager and the owner. The owner wants one thing from me, the line manager another. I have more communication with the owner than the manager and I feel there is tension. This was the anxiety and pressure that kept me awake last night. I need to try and tell the line manager how it feels to be in my position. I don’t want to.

    I am also practising identifying how I feel because I shut down into tiredness and exhaustion. Tense and overwhelmed – yes – but maybe I need to get to the fear beneath that

  180.  #180Azure Blu on July 28, 2014 at 6:25 am

    Veronica #188
    Ohhh…. gee…. this is soooo beautiful darling Siren…
    thank you for sharing!!!

    He is like the Rori “Mr. right”!!!
    Your explanation simply took my breath away!!!
    Mmmmm.. sooo yummy.

    alll he wants is YOUR PRESENCE!!!
    You, my dear goddess, are working the tools!!!
    Such an inspiration of what can be…

  181.  #181Azure Blu on July 28, 2014 at 6:26 am

    Sophie #192
    Good luck today Siren!!!

    Sounds like you are taking baby steps in finding your voice….

  182.  #182Linda on July 28, 2014 at 6:36 am

    There are times I wonder why I lingered so long in my last relationships. The one prior to P and my one with P. THey were both not good for me relationships and I ended with a bunch of nothing. I feel like I have invested time, heart, tears and $ into a black hole. I am like the woman who works and toils and puts money in her money into purse only to find that it has a hole in the bottom.. I invest with the best of intent only to find that while I have invested and hoped for much.. it is all gone, fallen out the bottom.

    The relationship I had with P was sooo much better than the one before. When I look back I was such an idiot. He never loved me.. just acted like it. He used me and I let that happen !. I should have kicked him out of my life and house long before it ended.

    With P… The pouty manipulative anger thing that was my deal breaker first showed up from him 3 months into the relationship. It morphed a bit… but never stopped. Why did I keep trying? It simple just lead to nothing.

    I know hind sight is always 20/20. I WOULD like to think I am sort of “street smart” about men now AND know me better. I am not discontent with me. I feel healthy, more in tune with what I want and who I am how I feel than ever. I can in some cases see how I enabled some of my history with men. I am really restless, irritated and frustrated. My dreams seem elusive. My hopes and desires poke me. “Hey, what about me”.

    Maybe I need to drop “expectations from me” Just like we dont expect things from a man. Is that right or possible?

  183.  #183Azure Blu on July 28, 2014 at 6:44 am

    Sophie #181 & 192
    I agree with you…
    Loving YOUR anxiety… gently holding her in your arms
    maybe even literally putting your arms around YOU!

    Big breakthroughs have come to me
    when I’ve taken baby steps to standing up for me…
    It doesn’t have to be a big push…
    Seems like that is what you are doing!!! Yay

    I know the feeling of being overwhelmed with house, freelance, working night and day… NEEDING $$$ desperately!!!

    AND then the added pressure of communicating with a cd that is emotionally dull…
    That is how i felt with my last cd MN…
    He was soooo draining…
    I felt so light after i broke it off…

  184.  #184Azure Blu on July 28, 2014 at 6:55 am

    Linda #195…
    Mmmm… Yes… drop “expectations of me”
    Love ME, just like I am…
    When I think about this I can see…
    It causes MUCH anxiety…
    I have these BIG expectations for ME…
    and I’m NOT happy with where I AM!!

    I hug ME
    But Still
    Down deep I”M really upset with ME
    NOT getting all the things done I
    should be doing…
    other people do it…
    My girlfriends (all are married) all have very tidy,
    organized homes,
    and go out alll the time
    I know I watch too much TV in the evening…
    But it’s my way of regrouping and
    mmmm… procrastinating!
    I’ve never changed this habit from when
    I was grieving my finaces death…
    that was 9 years ago…
    a very long time not to have
    changed this habit…
    Not sure what to do…

  185.  #185Azure Blu on July 28, 2014 at 7:15 am

    must say…
    the purse with the hole in it
    feels depressing
    I feel sad reading it…
    My heart feels heavy
    and I feel VERY lonely…
    even though I have my son living with me…
    This morning he asked me if I needed to borrow any money (cause he knows i’m waiting for some checks to come in) he’s not usually that thoughtful…

    My girl friend and I hung out on Sat.
    I saw Spiritcd on Fri…

    Maybe the let down from feeling
    MN would be “mr. right”
    maybe constantly thinking I need to change ME
    be MORE this way
    be MORE that way
    Maybe i’m tired of???

  186.  #186Kim on July 28, 2014 at 8:02 am

    ((Azure Blu))
    Hey, be good to yourself. You’re a lovely Sireny being and life is not always plain sailing and tidy homes – who knows what is behind all that, we don’t know really how happy others are behind closed doors.
    My boy energy is frequently stuck and I procrastinate or feel not as successful and organised as others, yet I have other qualities that they don’t have.
    You are unique, and wonderful just as you are.

  187.  #187Kim on July 28, 2014 at 8:04 am

    I definitely have high expectations of myself..and quite often I project those on to men. I need to work on just being and letting things unfold.

  188.  #188Kim on July 28, 2014 at 8:12 am

    Like when wild child stepped into my life, I was surveying. Doesn’t have the right job, the right look, the right living situation, doesn’t make dates in advance, seems immature,

    Ah but. BUT. He is constantly in contact, when we are together he is very respectful and old school. Always on time. Would wait 2 hours in a parking lot for me. Curtails his own enjoyment of an activity so he can show me and bring me pleasure. Has mentioned the future and big ticket items already and says all those lovely things that make me feel good….so. Many men who had all the stability and all the other stuff so important to me, did not make me feel so good.

    I have reconnected with stable MoM, who has the great job, lives in his own apartment, likes stuff I like, but the intimate conection is just not there. He was even great in bed but it was still sex and not making love.
    Though he would never stray, he would be the safe option.

    Now I have to juggle two main guys and a few orbiters and it’s not easy. And I have to stay honest with everybody because I want to, which could scare some away and make some step up when I am not sure whether I am even ready for a relationship with any of them.


  189.  #189Azure Blu on July 28, 2014 at 8:15 am

    Thank you soooo much…
    this alll feels VERY comforting…
    this is such a good insight…
    of course I project MY high expectations onto men
    because of MY very HIGH expectations on ME…

    My NVes are going crazy this morning!!!

  190.  #190IamHis on July 28, 2014 at 8:18 am

    @189 Azure Blu – Thank you! Now that the anger has passed, apathy has set in. It wouldn’t feel good or necessary to try to contact him at this point.

    Leaning back. He’ll probably start talking to me when my circular dating really gets going.

    I swear, guys can smell when other guys are paying attention and you really don’t care about them anymore.

  191.  #191Azure Blu on July 28, 2014 at 9:35 am

    2 main guys and “orbiters”… love that term… ;~>

    Part of my NVs today have been about…
    all these years i’ve been alone…
    I’m not sure if I know how to be with
    a man everyday anymore…
    I know I want to be..
    When I was with BK and we were spending
    lots of time together at his house and mine…
    I realized I do want to live with a man again!!
    It was soooo nice..
    I know I should be getting closer to “mr. right”
    but i’m feeling worn out looking!!!

  192.  #192Veronica on July 28, 2014 at 10:52 am

    Indigo – 158 – That’s amazing not to be afraid of losing love – just amazing. I feel delighted to hear that you’re sleeping in the same bed and I remember you saying that he’s using feeling messages – those are major changes. The intimacy must have amped up a lot as a result?

    I keep these words close to me, it helps me with my fears:
    “…trust in the process, trust in what I have come to learn in the last 4 years, and definitely trust in my own strength.”
    Thank you xx

  193.  #193Veronica on July 28, 2014 at 10:52 am

    Marikaberg -160- : )

  194.  #194Veronica on July 28, 2014 at 10:53 am

    Sophie – 190 – Thank you for letting me know. I feel awed at what’s happening – it keeps unfolding in quite beautiful and unpredictable ways. I feel excited too – it’s almost magical how things can change.

    (((((((Sophie))))))) I’m hoping you’ll find your peaceful bliss soon xx

  195.  #195Veronica on July 28, 2014 at 10:54 am

    Azure Blu – 193 – Oh my word, I keep wanting to tell you and I keep forgetting. I want to thank you – a while ago you were talking about reading men’s profiles and were using what you felt inspired about their profiles to juice up yours. I felt inspired by what you said and while looking at men’s profiles, I came across FunnyCD’s profile which I thought was hilarious – so I liked it…it created a lovely way to talk to each other. Thank you xxx

    It’s so easy to slip into the tools with him. He sent me a cartoon strip that had the most eloquent understanding of what giving is – basically it’s giving to see more of who the person being given to is. I was floored.

    I used to watch a lot of TV – I was stuck and didn’t know a way much less imagine it, TV helped me not be ‘here’, present with myself. One day I literally hid the TV under a table somewhere out of sight and slowly filled it up with thingsI like to do – jogging outside, listening to beautiful music while I cooked some food. But mostly it was the sound of voices at the end of the day that was so soothing about TV – I realized I needed to be living with someone I feel connected to.

    I’m sorry about your fiance’s death – you’ve mentioned it in passing many times and I think on it.

  196.  #196Indigo on July 28, 2014 at 11:03 am


    He is using feeling messages, not that that’s so easy for me as it isn’t always what I want to hear 🙂 but we are learning.

    This is just my own personal belief, but I believe the only way to love is without fear of losing it. Imagine what you would do and how you would live your life if you were afraid of losing what you loved the most? I also choose not to love someone who I am afraid may stop loving me, and that is not a fear that I have with D.

    Choose trust 🙂 it’s the only way. Sometimes I don’t even know why I trust, I just know that it’s there 🙂 I just know everything will work out.

  197.  #197Kim on July 28, 2014 at 11:11 am

    Azure Blu, I totally get the worn outness.
    I so understand. It can feel hopeless and demoralising and whenever I feel like that, I remind myself of moments strung together, and accepting what is and making the best of it.

    It comes and goes, I too have those phases. I have been single and dating for 7 years. Doubts creep in. Can I still do this? Could I live with a man again?
    I think we can, with the right one.
    I am also still looking but often worn down, and sometimes I wonder even if the right one came…maybe he is here, maybe he was here, maybe I messed it up, maybe I don’t see him for what he is and reject him for stupid reasons?

    I don’t know either. I keep reminding myself to stay in the moment but sometimes I wish I was married to a nice guy already, and didn’t have to worry about that side of things anymore….well, it is what it is.

  198.  #198Indigo on July 28, 2014 at 11:12 am

    Azure Blu 204,

    Instead of thinking of it as “getting closer to mr right” and “looking”, how would it feel to think of it as holding the space instead?

    The space that the man who is right for you will one day step into… and in this space is peace, trust, faith in him and yourself, belief that everything works out for your highest good, and all the things you would want to create in your ideal relationship… the kind of space that any man would LOVE to step into.

    That’s how I think of it. Instead of thinking of a void in my life, I think of a space that I have created, and I fill it with wonderful things, and I hold it open so that it feels like expansiveness instead of a void, and I believe that the absolutely right man will be drawn into it, and there will be a “fit” and a rightness, because of all the things I’ve created in that space.

  199.  #199Azure Blu on July 28, 2014 at 11:23 am

    Veronica #208
    Wow!!! thank you for this insight into my TV addiction!!
    This feels like what I’m using TV for…
    helped me NOT be “here”, present with Myself…
    But darling Azure…
    I don’t want to ignore YOU…
    I don’t want to make YOU invisible…

    This feels like an old pattern I believe in, about me..
    from childhood…
    Staying stuck by being INVISIBLE…
    the TV addiction is keeping ME away from ME…

  200.  #200sequoia on July 28, 2014 at 11:36 am

    I feel hung up on G. He has no time to meet me, he’s abroad right now and when he is around he is still bussy and doesn’t seem to have time for me.
    He sends me texts and hardly calls. I just got a booty text from him now him expressing that he’s thinking of me and wanting me right now..

    Would it be better to not to reply to his booty texts anymore?
    On the last one I replied, it feels good that you are thinking about me.. and he hasn’t replied back.

    So the communication is very sporadic, and I just feel sad as I am taking this obviously much more serious than him. The hormones got me hooked I guess.

    Marika Berg I seem to be in a similar situation like you with your CD – even so I think I do not know mine (5 weeks now) as long as you know yours.

    I want to slow down the sex too and I would like him to have a desire to get to know me, to find out more about me, but instead he only seems to be interested in occasional sex. He knows so that I do not just want sex but he seems to just ignore that.

    I don’t know what to do, I feel sad.
    But I want him to think differently about me at times, like him planning dates that would make me happy, or thinking about me and getting me a gift, or thinking about me and texting me that he misses me.

    I also feel sad that I do not seem to be able to have more than one Cd at a time…there are moments, a few days when it seem like I am having a few CDs and than suddenly I am just lefl with one man again and get hang up on him.

    The last online date, meeting him for a coffee , kind of put me off online dating. I just felt no connection to the guy and I felt annoyed by him…I felt very strange like leaving the date, not that he was insulting etc. I just felt bored and thought what a waste of time…If I would have met him at some event, some course etc. I would have never chosen to find out more about him…its just with some people you know there is no connection and its just boring…

    This was the last date I had. E-Cd has confessed to me that he lives with his gf ,who dates other men herself, but anyway I told him I am not up for dating him – I deserve sthg. better, I want a piece of cake just for myself!

    so at the moment it just G Cd left and he has always been my favorite, I can feel myself getting hung up on him and it doesn’t feel good.
    I also start feeling more and more angry as he seems to ignore that I do not just want sex, I still get the booty text, but he doesn’t ask me out on dates.

  201.  #201Azure Blu on July 28, 2014 at 11:38 am

    ((Indigo #211))
    Thnk you

    Ahhhh… lovely…
    that feels much better…
    I am creating this space…
    I am visualizing deep, big, red soft, soft pillows…
    hanging chandeliers with warm candle light and vanilla incense…
    Mmmmm… so inviting… a space…
    NOT a void…
    So the right man can easily walk into and
    I can easily welcome him there…

  202.  #202Azure Blu on July 28, 2014 at 11:48 am

    ((Kim #210))
    Mmmmm… sigh… thank you!!

    Yes… the phases of off and on NOT trusting ME!!
    NV taking over…

    this is it too…
    “I wonder even if the right one came…maybe he is here, maybe he was here, maybe I messed it up, maybe I don’t see him for what he is and reject him for stupid reasons?”

    I liked what Indigo shared…
    about creating a space… and the right one can easily walk right in and I can easily welcome him..
    this was calming my NV…
    I love the space I am visualizing…
    I think I will climb in there and rest
    All these soft big, warm feather pillows
    with the warm candle light…
    feeling love alll around…
    Mmmmm… feels very safe…

  203.  #203Kim on July 28, 2014 at 11:49 am

    I like that too!! 🙂

  204.  #204sequoia on July 28, 2014 at 11:58 am

    Thank you for sharing Indigo…it feels good to read and sure is very powerful if one can envision and feel that on a regular basis.

  205.  #205Azure Blu on July 28, 2014 at 11:58 am

    (((Indigo, Veronica, Kim)))
    Hugs and Kisses…
    You lovely Sirens are soooo wonderful to reach out to ME…
    I am feeling lots of loving warm arms around ME, LOVE from you all…
    It is very powerful and healing…

    I feel sooo lucky and blessed…
    My cup is VERY full and overflowing with kindness from you!!!

  206.  #206sequoia on July 28, 2014 at 12:04 pm

    Kim and Azur Blu i feel worn out to at time s, esp. after being hopeful and than some unexpected thing happens that discourages me.
    It would feel so good to really have a man recognise me for his beloved and than stick around…I so long to grow with another, to learn about love, to share, to play and work together…a beloved and a companion, my soulmate really.
    Envisioning the space for him to come to.
    I notice so that I feel slightly upset wondering why he is not there yet, why I have to wait so long!

  207.  #207Azure Blu on July 28, 2014 at 12:19 pm

    Yes… and as I keep healing ME more,,,
    As I learn more about what makes ME happy…
    the pillows in the space I am creating get softer, more inviting…
    the candle light gets more glowing and warm..
    the carpet on the floor is getting sooo deep and plush…
    Mmmmm… sigh….

  208.  #208Rori Raye on July 28, 2014 at 3:36 pm

    Tanea – Hi – and the lesson here is that a man can say anything – but it’s what he does that tells the truth. Please get some personal coaching to rebuild your self-esteem and stop giving ANY man a chance who seems “confused” about you and what he wants. He may be fine for Circular Dating – but not if you’re going to get hung up on him. Love, Rori

  209.  #209Rori Raye on July 28, 2014 at 3:38 pm

    Kimi – Run, do not walk, to the telephone and computer and call Greta Hassel – in Los Angeles – she’ll work with you by phone. One way or another – she’ll help you with this. She’ll give you stuff to try out that’s “golden” – and then help you know what to do whatever the results are. Love, Rori

  210.  #210Kim on July 28, 2014 at 3:52 pm

    ‘Don’t give any man a chance who seems confused about you and what he wants’
    That’s another Rori gem.
    Wow. I love the reminder.
    I was just going to think and not feel my way through my two or three contenders today.
    MoM. The stable, calm, introverted rock, who would never stray but would never issue any love declarations a la Tom Cruise either. The man who is always on an even keel, nothing derails him. Good job, own place, cooks, cleans, is into all the same stuff as me. Yet. Yet he is confused.
    Not so much about me but about what a relationship means…he has intimacy and emotional availability issues. He stonewalls. Stops communicating when things get iffy. Disappears for days.
    He is confused about himself. He wants me and loves me but somehow that is not necessarily enough.
    For me, to feel good, the connection has to be maintained. Future plans have to me made, it has to me action and some words also.

    Wild child…he can do relationship, he can do closeness, he can maintain a connection. He has all the things MoM does not have, and makes me feel really great. But he lacks the stability, the maturity and some other things I treasure in a man that make me feel safe. Not sure he woudn’t stray. He keeps secrets and witholds information which he thinks might upset me perhaps.

    So difficult to feel your way through the men that show up when we bring our own needs and wishes and past experiences into it and automatically go into thinking and analysing mode.

    Who do I feel better with and does it even matter when they might not step up anyway?
    I told wildchild that I want to be friends, and not sure about anything else, which is also a lie as I don’t want to be friends.
    If it’s all so easy why does it seem so complicated. Lol.

  211.  #211Azure Blu on July 28, 2014 at 5:21 pm

    Mmmmm… just what I needed to hear…

    “but it’s what HE DOES that tells the truth
    stop giving ANY man a chance who seems “confused” about ME and what HE wants.
    He may be fine for Circular Dating – but NOT if you’re going to get hung up on him.”

    Spiritcd… is fun and alll…
    his actions are rather sketchy…
    Staying open but GOOD reminder to keep riding my horse.!!

  212.  #212Kim on July 28, 2014 at 6:37 pm

    Ah yea. The sketchy actions.
    To be honest, I do find it hard to stay open.
    SDT doesn’t plan in advance, half my week is already booked up and the weekend will be soon too.
    MoM wants to talk. He is meeting me Wed specifically to talk about our future and relationship. We dated on and off for 10 months and I broke it off for lack of connection, future talk and it not going anywhere.
    He asked for this….so, something is about to shift.
    No, he is not exciting, no we do not have crazy chemistry but he is a good man.
    If he wants to move things forward, and offer me a commitment, I would be inclined to drop SDT.
    Once upon a time, I lost a good man to another one with chemistry and it was a big mistake. I am not wanting to make another mistake like this.
    I feel sad that SDT is so casual about making dates, and so last minute and seemingly happy to hang out now and then when it ‘naturally’ happens.
    He isn’t pursuing full throttle and it’s a shame but maybe such a great eye opener for me also….feelings amd chemistry are not everything by a long stretch.
    Happy to know that now!

  213.  #213Kimi on July 28, 2014 at 8:24 pm

    Ok thank you so much Rori.

  214.  #214Tanea on July 29, 2014 at 6:56 am

    Rori 225,
    How do you CD someone that you really love?? I dont know if he has remarried this woman or not! He say he has and she say they have remarried. My question is how do you leave someone in April because you say you love me but in July you say you remarried to the person you left?

  215.  #215Darlene on July 29, 2014 at 3:01 pm

    Dear Rorie:

    I feel that I so so need to correct you on this Plenty Of Fish website, You are very seriously jeopardizing your Reputation on referring this website!!!!!

    I have been on this website 2 separate times, I gave it enough time to literally hang itself….

    I shall explain it to you briefly. I am a good and true Christian LADY, even with what my profile says, I still got men that only wanted a booty call.

    Everyone knows this except for you.

    I Love your emails you send me, and they are right on when it comes to meeting a GOOD and true loving good future husband as you teach others to seek that quality in yourself and your future mate, and the man you want to spend the rest of your life with.

    Please you are being Deceived by P O F website people. “IT’S A MEAT MARKET ” not anything more!!!!

    I am serious Rorie; you better dig deeper !!! And put on an Anomonious Profile and check it out for yourself.

    I have deleted myself from that site anymore; for those men on there are just users and nasty ( it’s a booty call site)! !

    Watch what they write you back and you will see for yourself.

    I pray your smart enough to investigate what you willing to jeopardize your reputation over..

    GOD BLESS YOU and be sure to play someone else on there and you shall see what I am talking about..

    Thanks for you doing what you need to do to protect your BLESSING in helping those who cannot find, nor figure out men or their own or their man, but are willing to work to make sure he still only wants you.. Understand? I pray you do…..

    Good luck on your research.

    Sincerely yours;


  216.  #216Rori Raye on July 29, 2014 at 5:44 pm

    Darlene – Thank you so much for this – I’m publishing it as a post (will change your name)- and let’s see if anyone’s actually having a good experience on POF – I’ll also ask my dating coach friends who are much more up on all the dating sites than I am! Love, Rori

  217.  #217Kyla on July 29, 2014 at 9:38 pm

    Im sorry you had a bad experience Darlene but I disagree about POF from my own experience. I used it to CD for 6 months, chatted to hundreds of men, met about 50, dated 11 and am now living with and engaged to my dream man. I had a great experience, used feeling messages in my profile and emails and was treated like a lady by all the men I met from that site, not a single man pushed me for sex or a hook up, I was offered real dates and romance by all of them. I have several friends and relatives that have positive experience using POF too so Im sorry to hear you didnt.

  218.  #218Olivia on July 30, 2014 at 3:03 pm

    Yeah I find it hard to believe it’s ALL bad. Tinder is widely seen as a hook-up only site. Two of my boyfriend’s friends are on Tinder and view it mostly as a hook-up site. But both who would get serious with the right lady if they met her on the site – and those guys would be knocked dead by anyone using Siren moves!
    So I think it depends.

  219.  #219Veronica on August 2, 2014 at 12:04 pm

    (((((((((Azure Blu)))))))))) – 215
    221 – xx

  220.  #220Veronica on August 2, 2014 at 12:06 pm

    Indigo – 212 – Loving without fear of losing it – I’ve got to sit with that one a bit more. Thank you x

  221.  #221Sandra on August 17, 2014 at 11:09 am

    I understand that dating sites have regional ‘personalities,’ so that OKC in Los Angeles is different than in Boston, and POF in Kansas is different than in New Jersey.