Stuck With A Confused Man And Nowhere To Live

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heartfatHave you ever been this close to total humiliation with a man? Where you just take your own commitment to him, and your own sense of being a good woman to the point where you’re almost embarrassed for yourself?

Well, I know I have, and most of the women I know and have worked with have found themselves at one point or another – and it just makes you feel awful and afraid to try love on again.

I don’t want you to feel that way – I want you to take whatever’s happened to you in the past and learn from it.

Here’s a letter from Diana who’s just on that edge right now, and let’s help her together to get off that edge now and take good care of herself (for some background, Diana’s man asked her to move in with him, then he sort of let it go, then he talked about it, and then he let it go again because he wasn’t sure…and now Diana’s stuck with a housing crisis):

“Hi Rori,
I have been working on my vibration. I feel like I’m doing ok but things have been very weird with Brent. He has really pulled back all of a sudden and I just don’t get it. When your boyfriend pulls back and doesn’t talk to you are you really not supposed to call and ask what’s going on? I mean I am just supposed to go about my life like nothing has happened? I ran into him and we talked for a few minutes and then it was just goodbye. That is just weird to me. Here’s what happened lately…

Last week believe it or not, my landlord changed her mind the day I was suppose to renew my lease and now I have to move by June 30. I found out last Friday. I was very upset and Brent came over to see me. He was very sweet and asked me to come to dinner so he could cook for me. I told him I would see how the day went.

Later he told me to come for a bike ride and dinner because it would be good for me. So, I went. I didn’t stay the night though. When I was going to leave he asked if I was mad at him. I said no not at all. I asked him why he thought that and he said it was just a feeling. I said no I wasn’t mad at all and I didn’t see why he would think that. I did say my mind was on what I was going to do about a place to live. Later I thought I didn’t respond too well to this so maybe that upset him because he never has ever asked me that.

The next day we had plans and he was a bit cold to me. He didn’t make love to me that night or even cuddle with me which he always does. He was cold the next day so after a while I said I was going to home to get some things done. He did send me an email of some houses he found for me to look at.

But then we didn’t talk for a couple days and then I called him. I know I probably should not have but he was supposed to be going out of town and I thought I need to take care of the garden and some other things.

So, when I called he said he just canceled his trip. I said I felt so happy because now we could do something fun this weekend like take that long bike ride he and I have talked about. His response was he was going to play a lot of golf. I said oh, ok. Then he said he could also go for a ride. He sounded like maybe he caught himself. I said I would let him go and that I had to go back to work.

He stopped me and said wait, what are you up to and asked some other questions. It was like then he wanted to keep me on the phone. I talked for a bit and then said I had to go. I was very pleasant and not angry but a little bewildered. We have not talked since then (Tuesday morning) and I just ran into him in town for a few minutes. We just talked about nothing and then said good bye.

This is just strange. This is my boyfriend. Should I go see him or call him and tell him how I feel? Really am I suppose to just go on with my life until he finally decides or doesn’t decide to call me? And then am I supposed to act like nothing happened or then do I tell him how I feel?

I am starting to get angry now. I really don’t like being ignored this way. I feel very hurt. If he is upset he should tell me. I wonder does he really think I am not going to be upset?

Does he really think he can ignore me like this and it’s ok? I have all of these plans this weekend without him. I am without my boyfriend on Memorial Day weekend and there is nothing said about it. Very weird. Please tell me if I am just to keep leaning back and do nothing until he maybe decides to call me.

Thanks, Diana

Here’s my answer:

Diana, so glad you wrote. You are not SUPPOSED to do ANYTHING but tell the TRUTH. Do not PLAY this.

I don’t know what’s going on – but he’s displaying behavior totally typical for a man who feels guilty.

He likely feels guilty and bad about your living issues because he’s not stepping in to rescue you by asking you to move in with him. And your acting NICE is just making him feel worse, and therefore angry with you.

If you were to be MAD at him – that would be a NORMAL response under the circumstance because you are EXCLUSIVE with him. If you’re just DATING him, that’s another thing, but he’s your BOYFRIEND. He feels really bad, and your being understanding is just making it worse.

You have to tell the truth – which means, yes, you call him up and read a speech you’ve prepared – or wait til he calls you and then deliver it. You feel totally thrown for a loop with having to move, you don’t know what to do, you don’t want to be upset with him, but you feel that way anyway…and the coldness between you and inattentiveness is making you feel pretty pissed! SHARE THAT.

If this were me – I would END the exclusivity right NOW!!! Tell him if he’s not ready to move this relationship forward, you get it, he’s totally entitled, but it feels ridiculous for you to be exclusive with him under the circumstances, and so you will be accepting dates with other men. You have to take care of yourself – and right now you’re just pushing him further away.

Do you see the picture I’m painting? You have to speak your truth and then take care of yourself. Otherwise he’ll be completely unmotivated to move forward. He KNOWS he’s supposed to ask you to move in with him right now. He KNOWS it. And when he asked you if you were mad – it was because he thought you SHOULD BE – and YES – that would be a normal reaction!

Mull this over – find a GREAT place to live!!! Sign a lease if you have to and …forget about him.

Do NOT just drift away from him and accept his bad behavior just because you don’t know what to do. Do not PRETEND you don’t care – because you DO!!!

Lay it out straight for him. I’ll help you if you like, but just start writing this out based on some of what I wrote here…

Diana – if you keep going this way – you are heading for humiliation. I don’t want that to happen here. Love, Rori

Love, Rori

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  1.  #1Nelia on May 27, 2009 at 6:00 pm

    I love this no nonsense approach! Amen, Rori! Amen! Exclusivity is not to be played with!

  2.  #2Jody on May 27, 2009 at 7:51 pm

    My heart is breaking, as so many others are tonight. So many of us have sold our self love and our self worth for the love and affection of a man. I know what hurts me the most, its seems i can always get the attention of men, and they start off in hot pursuit, and as soon as i start to care, and they get to know me, then they are gone before I can blink. The pain of this rejection is getting too much to bare. I’m picking unavailable men, I give too much, too soon, and sometimes I react out of fear, instead of common sense. I know I’m a beautiful woman, with a soft and gentle heart, who still believes in love, and romance. I know what I need to do, but I get so weak, and defeated, I feel so trapped in this heartache, it feels like it isnt going to stop, and to find joy, in the small things seems so difficult. I feel afraid that everyday of my life will feel like this, that it will never end. I know to most women, I sound pathetic, i dont have the inner strength or self love they do. I’m trying to find it, to learn it, I’m looking everywhere for it. I know I need to cut the ties to the man Im in love with, I know that this relationship ive imagined doesnt exist, and the only one who still cares is me, and its destroying me. I want to love and be loved so badly its now become an obsession. Where do i start? Where did I go? was there ever an I?

  3.  #3FEMENERGYLOVE on May 27, 2009 at 11:33 pm

    i agree with rori,tell him you are mad!then go find a beautiful place to live,make it nice and cozy for YOU.

  4.  #4Rori Raye on May 27, 2009 at 11:53 pm

    Jody, Welcome, and thank you for your beautiful – actually poetic and powerful comment. To me, a woman who can express herself the way you have here is powerful – and I want you to know that. You just need to use the Tools, take baby-step after baby step until you feel a little bit different – a little bit stronger. This is all about PRACTICE. Where you’re starting from now is actually a magnificent place – you’re facing a reality and truth you don’t like – but going there, feeling what you feel, saying it out loud will heal the part of you that wants to stay stuck, and you’ll find it much easier to move through moments like these and keep going in the service of yourself. I know you will find a lot of help here…I and everyone else will direct you to the Tools you need and the programs to start with (always start with the ebook – it’s so inexpensive, and the basics are absolutely life-changing – from there you’ll be able to get and practice with everything else you find here, in my eletters and the programs). Love, Rori

  5.  #5DocK on May 28, 2009 at 5:53 am

    Hi Jody

    I love Rori’s response to you and I am so glad that she addressed your message specifically as she is so eloquent with her advice.

    All I wanted to say is that when you say “to most women, I know I sound pathetic” – not so much. You expressed as Rori says a “poetic and powerful comment” of when we feel lost and like it will never be any different – I know I have felt this way, most of us have. You are not alone.

  6.  #6Mercedes on May 28, 2009 at 1:49 pm

    Rori: I absolutely LOVE your advice to Diana (and to Jody for that matter). She’s in a tough spot and sometimes, when that happens and we want our man to rescue us (and we usually do want that), the overpowering emotion is sadness or dispair…but you are so right…under all of that is anger. I’ve learned to get really in touch with my anger and to spell it out for a man (although I still go about it all wrong sometimes…working, working, working on feeling messages…) but no matter if you’re good at saying it or not, knowing you are angry, feeling that anger and expressing it honestly is sooooo important. Again, I loved this advice.

    Jody: I’m with Dock. Most of us can’t possibly see you as pathetic…we’ve been there. Most of us here are here because we’ve been there (or are there). We’ve been hurt, we’ve given too much of ourselves, we’ve been in a place where we can’t figure out what we did wrong, we’ve lost it and we’ve been in a place where we believe we’re never getting it back. We don’t see it as pathetic. A lot of us have learned to see it as a lesson we need to learn and a part of our journey. Things will get better. Keep reading and posting here…you’ll watch us all grow with you. We’re all learning and growing and making mistakes and getting upset and being happy…lots of stuff going on here. You’ll find good company.

    Much Love,

  7.  #7Deena on May 28, 2009 at 2:53 pm

    Great post!!!!

    I also think the anger stems from realizing how this guy is really.

    I know I have fallen into the boyfriend trap and thinking things were moving along only to have something like this come up and boom you suddenly realize that he is just dating and enjoying the benefits for now rather than really being a boyfriend leading to engagement marriage and so on.

    Absolutely speak your truth!

    I know I was raised that anger wasn’t nice for girls.

    You can show your anger and be civilized about it.

    People respect you more.

    He is feeling guilty as he knows he has just been playing and you have been serious.

    Absolutely find your own fabulous place and make him work for any time with you.

  8.  #8Jody on May 28, 2009 at 5:43 pm

    I can not Thank each of you enough, for your kind words, wisdom, and strength. It has been so lonely and so isolated, and for the first time in a long time, i see a little light.
    I did take a step today.. I stood up for myself, I told the man ive been suffering over, “I will move forward with or without him. ” I explained life is about risks, and possibilities, and even though you can get hurt, its about finding and learning your possibilities. I accepted a date tonight, and I told him. He responded “Have fun and be safe.” I graciously responded thank you, and the best part is I meant it.
    Now if I can keep feeling this way, and step back and not contact him, will be the challange, and to stop hoping he will chase me, and expect to hear from him. Thats when the downward spiral starts.
    I feel so grateful for each of you, and for your inspirational, supportive words.

  9.  #9ann on May 28, 2009 at 6:39 pm

    reading from mobile

  10.  #10My Amazing Weight Loss Story on May 28, 2009 at 9:27 pm

    Thanks for posting, I really liked reading your newest post. I think you should post more frequently, you obviously have talent for blogging!

  11.  #11heartbeat on May 29, 2009 at 12:05 am

    Jody – count me in too, I’ve been there and now I’m definitely not, you’ll get all the support in the world here! Good for you, your baby-step sounds quite a giant one – and if I were in your shoes I’d keep on filling my diary with lovely things to do, nurturing friends and new experiences. Every moment can feel a little better, every tiny moment – even if you’ve cried from the bottom of your heart (which can feel very cleansing). Don’t waste a single, precious moment on blame or self-blame. You sound warm and wonderful. xxx

  12.  #12heartbeat on May 29, 2009 at 12:15 am

    Things are going great for me now – I feel we are SO MUCH closer now – speaking our deepest truth is the only way to go.

    I like Rori’s advice to Diana, and I like that she is clear that it is a powerful thing to call him and invite him to hear her. I did that, and it was the best and only thing to do with integrity.

    I catch myself being inauthentic in so many small ways – it’s such a long-term habit – so I feel GRATEFUL to notice it and get to practice backtracking and replaying without the interference of one of my best survival strategies 🙂

  13.  #13heartbeat on May 29, 2009 at 12:17 am

    You’re all snoring in bed, aren’t you? Bummer being in a different time zone 😉 sleep well, ladies – I’m off out in the lovely sunshine xxx

  14.  #14Daria on May 29, 2009 at 2:56 am

    Soo… i just got back from driving out to visit my ex. So I had sex like i wanted to.

    It felt good to be around my ex without feeling terrified or attacked. I have changed a lot and he could tell. I gave him teh no girlfriend speech. He has matured also.

    Umm… the thing is now I am feeling a little concerned. When I’m not dramatizing or making imaginary relationships, sex doesnt feel as good or exciting. Or maybe its becasue these last times were post ovulation times so my body wasn’t in it’s most desiring mood. Both times I didn’t feel SUPER desiring, just a little bit, which is ok I guess.

    I’m feeling a little triggered by a worry that I had since I was little that I am going to get married and feel BORED and won’t like the guy anymore.

    So I’m writing that down to get it heard and in the open and tell that part of me I love her.

    Also I want sex to feel good! Like it used to when I was younger when I felt in another world… and Even Better.

    Thank you Angels.

  15.  #15searchingwithin on May 29, 2009 at 9:48 am

    Good,honest, vulnerable, non-threatening communication is so essential in all our relationships, but somehow so many of us have missed the buck at learning to do this. We are taught, as children, “if we can’t say anything nice, not to say it at all.” Many have been raised, at least in my generation, to be seen and not heard, and as a child, if I expressed an unpleasant emotion, I was sent to my room.

    Too little time is spent on how to communicate effectively as children, and by the time we do start learning about communication, we are much older, and have formed destructive core beliefs, and habits.

    Wonderful article, as always.

  16.  #16DocK on May 29, 2009 at 12:02 pm

    communication – yeesh!

    I find that I CAN express myself with feeling messages but struggle to find the right words when in the middle of a conversation that don’t use “you” and blame if I feel bad because the person really is behaving like a jerk but asking, “why do you feel that way?”

    Think I did OK but not great having to explain that I feel confused by email messages where I can’t FEEL the emotion behind the words and he can’t FEEL mine and he said that he needs to communicate better and just pick up the phone and call me. ya think?

  17.  #17Lauren on May 29, 2009 at 2:29 pm

    Jody said, “My heart is breaking, as so many others are tonight. So many of us have sold our self love and our self worth for the love and affection of a man.”

    One of the hardest truths I personally have had to assimilate as I’ve worked to grow up emotionally myself, is that if you can sell your self-love or self-worth for it, its not real. In other words, if a man will try to downgrade you in order to connect with you, he’s not necessarily capable of the kind of love you want at this time. I don’t know that it means he never will be. But what I think it does mean, is exactly what Rori always says, we have to take care of ourselves, love ourselves more, overflow with love and attractive energy and *dig deep*.

    That’s my image when then going gets rough. *Dig deeper.* For example, I’m in a relationship with a man who swears I am his soul mate. He’s told everyone we are in love, says he wants to marry me, and has never backed off from moving the relationship forward to the next milestone. I’m terrified. All this abundance is starting to trigger all my childhood “stuff” about being unlovable, and I have been feeling anxious almost non-stop for the past week with horrible stuff like, “I’m fat”, “My teeth are ugly”, “My house is dirty”…the underlying issue, of course, being “How could he possibly really love me?” So last night, I calmly and honestly – taking full responsibilty for my ‘stuff’ and my feelings – talked to my man about it and he was wonderful and steady and said sometimes he feels insecure too.

    I’ve been with men who thought they wanted to downgrade me, but I know my boyfriend doesn’t want that. We too often try to take responsibility for their feelings or wishes or behavior, when we can’t…and its a huge turnoff to them and to *us* that we try! If we lean back, the man who wants you for *who you are* will come to you. Don’t let your fear that this will never happen keep you pushing and reaching forward. Its common to believe in scarcity, but scarcity is a myth. There is always enough for everyone who is whole, healthy, and full of love…and we might as well accept our risks…embrace them if we dare…because we’re taking them, every day. Even if we deny it to ourselves.

    “To recieve everything, one must open one’s hands.” -Deshimaru


  18.  #18Ann on May 29, 2009 at 5:45 pm

    I wanted to share with you another irresistibility concept out of the book “Make Every Man Want You.” First the reason I’m naming the book is because of copyright.

    “Who you are being makes all the difference in the world when it comes to authenic irresistibility. If you’re being needy you’ll repel a man. If you’re having sex with a man because you think it will make him love you & want to be with you, you’ve failed to understand
    that you cannot change the way a man feels.

    One of the biggest secrets to magnetizing a man is to have, and keep, a full life. Having your own life is authenitically irresistible because it keeps you(and him) from losing yourself in the relationship.

  19.  #20Daria on May 29, 2009 at 6:11 pm

    Hi Ann… I have this book and I liked it a lot too!

  20.  #21Ann on May 29, 2009 at 6:23 pm

    Hey Daria, have you tried any of the action challenges?

  21.  #22Daria on May 29, 2009 at 7:20 pm

    I do try the no complaining on a regular basis… when I remember… hehe.

    I would have to pull the book out to take another look at it.

    The main thing I remember about Marie’s work is to Stay in the Present Moment (ie… dont get lost spinning thoughts) and if an NV or a Judgement comes up, to not let it rattle me, just say… wow that’s interesting, i’m Judging … and keep on with whatever was going on in the Now.

  22.  #23Ann on May 29, 2009 at 7:34 pm

    Or to say “Thanks for Sharing” to my nv.

    To share more:The easiest way to meet more men…stop complaining & start engaging. Practice redirecting our attention outward & start connecting with everyone in our enviroment, just for fun. Relate to people instead of being lost in thoughts. If we bring our attention back to what’s happening now, we’ll train ourselves to be both expressive & alive 2 qualities that are naturally irresistible.

    Sounds like Rori’s suggestion to practice, practice, practice.

  23.  #24Ann on May 29, 2009 at 7:47 pm

    I really like mama Gena’s daily fluff:

    Glorifying the Goddess within you is all about paying attention to what you desire, each and every moment of the day.

  24.  #25Daria on May 29, 2009 at 10:45 pm

    I’m feeling bored.

    I kinda asked this guy I’m dating to come see me, but he doesn’t exactly have a way right now. But I said no to him getting dropped off and me driving him back because I don’t feel like doing that. It would feel fun to party right now except I have work at 10 Am tomorrow. I want to ask the company to change those hours, because I kinda just got eased into working that early which I don’t like.

    I’m going to be in New York next week, which I kind of feel excited about… except right now I feel annoyed that I’m not 100% ready… though close.

    I want to go out and have fun right now even tho I feel kinda full and sleepy.


    I feel a little disappointed. My body is probably getting ready for my period because I went to acupuncture expressly for that and it’s about that time. So that would mean quiet time right now. I don’t have extra energy.

    It would feel nice for someone to come pick me out to hang out a little bit… and smoke. I’m feeling a little non-energetic right now. That’s ok.

    I had fun getting ready for my interview although I really did expect to have some time to go out too. I’m feeling a little down.

  25.  #26Daria on May 29, 2009 at 10:48 pm

    I desire smoking with a guy in a car by my house. I desire waking up rested. I desire great digestion right now. I desire fresh printer ink.

  26.  #27Daria on May 29, 2009 at 11:26 pm

    I got fresh printer ink.

    I got a call from a guy and realized smoking is only one of the fun things I can do. I imagined a guy who was telling me that I don’t have to smoke really.

    Instead I am doing some fun EFT.

  27.  #28Daria on May 30, 2009 at 9:29 am

    I feel FURIOUS at having to get up in the morning and go to work. I feel hotness in my jaw, in my knees on the insides of my legs, I feel bloatedness… I feel tightness in my temples and jaw…


    hmmph I feel a lilttle sigh that feels better. I feel pouty lips and pain in my butt haha… I feel a slight smile and that feels like a bigger smile… I love all of my sensations… I love my fury…

  28.  #29Tina on May 30, 2009 at 12:08 pm

    I can relate to this story. I suddenly had to move out of my basement apartment ( I didnt like living there anyway) My notice was up. I found a house to live in (old house that needed lots of fixing) in the middle of winter. I was caught in a situation where I had to move, since i did not renew my agreement and new tenants where planning to move in the following month. I had to tear down a wall in the new house because of mold. I would have needed to find a place to stay for a few weeks until the mold problem was cleared up. I was offendedt that my “boyfriend” didnt step up and be a “man” and offer his place to me. I told him this. I said to him I am pissed off and feel embarrassed that I have to tell you how I feel. He said of course you can stay at my house. I said no I would rather much stay in my moldy house, my dignity is at stake here and I do not feel comfortable staying at your house. He tore down the wall in – 30c weather and helped me fix the house. This was a few months ago. I did stay a few nights at his house but didnt feel comfortable. I told him “I feel oppressed” lol and that I had to leave. My sister suggested I buy a air purifier and stay in my old moldy house. I did alone. He wanted to stay but I said I have to do this thing myself thanks PAL!. lol. He said to me, “no one else is helping you, and said further that he was the only one blah blah blah that would help me in my time of need so on and so forth. I said yes thank you for all your help, I do appreciate it. however I do know some carpenters (back up) in case he decided it was to much work for him to do. I did get some emails from carpenters I know (with a license) and able to pass inspections on houses (all free of charge.) The one licensed carpenter (took me on a date lol) said that I could move in anytime, that he would do the same if he were in my situation. I said ok I will and I did. My “boyfriend” still helps fix things around here, tills my garden and is quite handy lol. Last night I said something , we talked about fear , I said the one thing that will shake my confidance is my feelings of fear, discouragement and guilt. He was reading a book he sat up and reached out and grabbed my ankle and started rubbing my foot. He said he “sleeps good” when he is here. He fixed my printer then asked me if I needed to go anywhere I said no, he said he’ll call later and went home. oh he did mention, while we talked last night about fear, he was “content with what he has” lol I didnt ask content with what? I just said oh.

    I ran into “warm and fuzzy” a few days ago. The 31 year (my friends brother) old I mentioned in one of my posts. I call him warm and fuzzy now lol. My sister and I laugh. He said to me, oh we were talking about you and wondered where you were “karaoke night”. I said I was busy lately and didnt have time to go there but I planned going back soon. I bought two new summer dresses lol. oh I’ll be back alright!.

  29.  #30Rori Raye on May 31, 2009 at 10:51 am

    Lauren, Thank you for your beautiful and incredibly helpful comment. This pretty much says it all – when a man gives to us – we feel challenged in the receiving – old stuff comes up that we’re not “worth” it. And this is where our work lies – in feeling so worthwhile inside, that we can receive down to our toes – and THAT’S what will bring in the greatest man ever – the one who wants to give…Love, Rori

  30.  #31Cassandra on June 2, 2009 at 9:21 am

    WOW…..This poast is so great! First of all..JODY….I feel like I just want to give you a huge hug. Stepping up for YOURSELF is a huge step and you are so courageous to have done that. That took strength! If the man that did not step up for your and ask you to move with him does not step up now then he simply does not deserve you and there will be an amazing man out there for your that will. I feel happy that you are here. Lauren…I too loved what you said about receiving. I have trouble with that too and just realized it not that long ago. Maybe 2 or 3 weeks ago it hit me like a ton of bricks but at least now I know that is something that I really have to work on. Thanks for sharing that.

    I am still in the same living arrangments that i have been in for the last year and half now and each day is so different in that one day things are wonderful and then the next can be hell. That feels like more trouble breathing and my whole body tensing up……..Daria….how do you get to where you can love even those darker feelings? I really don’t love them so how can I tell them that and mean it when i don’t? I am trying to take baby steps each day for ME and I think I am doing alot better in taking care of me and doing the things that truly do make me happy. and that feels freeing and strong and beautiful… makes me feel beautiful again. A couple of weeks ago – I was not home one single night of the week and a few of those nights Charles was home. I felt so proud of myself for doing what I wanted to do..I still feel proud of that…..proud and strong. On the other hand though I was totally overwhelmed by the end of that week as I am a home body and love to be home especially at night but I did step out there and do things that I enjoyed after that week though I felt afraid to leave home. Looking back on that it makes me feel good that I did those things. Each day I try to do something that is good for ME not matter what Charles is doing or not doing. I have been helping him with some mortgage stuff and ALOT of my time has been devoted to helping him with that. I realized last night that I was only partly doing it because I wanted to….MOST of me was/is doing it because I feel that I have to ‘earn my keep’ especially after an event that happened last night – I posted about that on the From then to Now post. After what I heard last night from both Charles and his brother I feel more now than ever that I have to ‘earn my keep’ even though HE is the one that changed the plans and we are no longer marrying yet I am still stuck in his house. Don’t get me wrong…i am thankful for what I DO have….a beautiful roof over my head and food on the table but there is a HUGE emotional check that I write each and every day for that as well. With no income/ job and this being the area with this highest unemployment rate in the nationI feel that i don’t have another choice…I have no where to go right now at least. I know that this is temporary but it hurts me when things are really good because that is what it was supposed to be for the rest of our lives…together but I am the one that gave up everything and will have to move as soon as I have income coming in. I feel so violated…i feel angry…I feel humiliated and embarassed and that I can’t REALLy even move on with my life and now after last night I feel scared. I do feel that I have to now more than ever ‘earn my keep’. I already am the one that takes care of all of the business and the house and now his mortgage stuff but I feel that I if I don’t I will end up on the street. I am trying to really feel what I feel but it feels so scary that I usually go do other things and try not to think about it which is not good. I feel so stuck and though I am trying to do everything that I can to move forward I feel tied to a tree..literally. I had been feeling really good lately but last night changed all of that and now I feel nervous, afriad, humiliated, scared and pathetic. I am in the same place that I have been in for the last year and a half. I am tired of feeling this way and being stuck. Remember the dating site? I deleted that profile but right before that I did meet another gentleman that wants to take me to dinner but I feel afraid to go there. I feel afraid to even talk to anyone else. After the whole fiasco with that pastor happened I felt shut down. While this other gentleman says all of these nice things to me and for a brief moment they do make me feel good I immediaetly think ‘he is not going to be who he says he is….or these are just words’. I know that is not fair to him but right now I don’t even care about that. I am not going to dinner with him becasue I can’t. I am not open…I am not healed and I am still deepl down hoping that things with Charles will be ok when I know liek I know that the sky is blue that they wont’. I feel so stuck literally – physically in that I can’t go anywhere else right now but also emotionally in that part of me is still with him….hoping hoping hoping. know this is am imaginary relationship even though last night and yesterday he did display some wonderful things – it is not real. I feel like there is something wrong with me that I can’t snap out of it. I so desperately want to get to that place where I can recieve down to my toes and BE present in receiving…I feel desperate to get there as though my life depends on it. The gentleman who wants to take me to dinner asked me if the right man were to come I ready to be pursued….swept off my feet and taken care of in every way. I felt so silly and stupid in that moment – I am not saying that I am those things… is just how I felt because I could not even answer him. Thank GOD he got another call from his daughter and had to go so I got off the hook on that one but the answer is NO….NO I am not ready for that. How do I get there…..I really do feel desperate to be in that place and am doingall of the tools that I know but I feel that I am in the same place that i was a year ago. This makes me think of you Daria… have come so far and I want to be where you are.

  31.  #32Daria on June 2, 2009 at 11:26 am

    Hi Cassandra… the negative emotions, I may not like them. Although lately I’ve been enjoying the energizing part that comes with feeling angry.

    How i love them is that I imagine a litte girl having them, shes feeling sad afraid, pinched and pressed. So i love Her and feel bad for her feeling those emotions. That is how I LOVE the emotions, because I love the person having them, and it turns out it’s me.

    For a long time when I riffed I just wrote… I LOVE my feelings, without really feeling it … now starting to feel it

    The following piece about And That Feels like… was key in me actually feeling the love so that I could see what that feels like next

  32.  #33Cassandra on June 2, 2009 at 6:42 pm

    Thanks Daria….that does help me alot. I really feel so much admiration for you and your journey. I feel proud of you and how hard you ahve worked and how far you have come and it makes me feel hopeful.
    Sending you so much love….

  33.  #34Flipper on June 3, 2009 at 6:06 am

    Remember, Cassandra and everyone , seeing/interacting with men (circular dating) is NOT to find the man, nor the reward for doing all our tools ‘right’, it’s one of the principal ways to help us grow and learn, to Get healed. Just had an intuition: the fact that we are Not feeling especially good and show it, just may be a greater gift to whoever we go out with than sharing our ‘happy’ self with him already is!!!

    Thanks again Daria, your path and words are such great examples, and make things easier to understand. Lovingly taking care of that little girl, who happens to be us, is soooooo brilliant. Bouquets of my beautifully scented roses to all (there are even some thornless ones for those sweet, hopeful, sometimes fearful or furious little girls).

  34.  #35Cassandra on June 4, 2009 at 4:50 pm

    Thanks Flipper. You are right and I was still trying to look at it that way but I did feel scared to go. I did end up going to dinner last night and had a very nice evening. We had had some great phone conversations and had a nice evening with more great conversation. He told me before we parted ways that he had a great time and wanted to see me again and that felt nice. I sent him a text message when I got home to thank him for a wonderful dinner and evening and then he responded later with a text that said he had a great time too and good night. I have not heard from him since although up until last night he had been either calling me or texting me every day since we first talked. I feel confused and I am wondering what the heck happened. it feels out of place to not hear from him after he said that he had a nice evneing as well and that he wanted to see me again but who knows what he is thinking or feeling. I am not calling him or texting him – if he wants to talk to me or see me again he can call me and the same goes for texting. He did seem nervous though through the evening and it almost seemed as if he had a sort of ‘escape route’. When we first met he had said that he needed to go and pick up his son at a certain time and then he said that those plans had been changed and he did indeed have more time but then during the course of the evening all of a sudden he had to go get his son again and that felt really uncomfortable to me….I felt as though I had done something wrong and that he wanted to get out of there as soon as he could which made me feel awful! But then at the end of the evening he told metaht he had a great time and that he definitely wanted to see me again so what in the heck happened? What did I do? I didn’t think that I had done anything wrong and I thought that he had had a nice evening. Another thing that I notcied thruout the evening is that I still fetl really guilty about being there with him. I found him to be quite attractive and we did ahve great conversation that even he said that he throroughly enjoyed but I still fetl really guilty being out with him. I was thinking about how Charles is out there working hard to take care of us and is not even home and here I am out with someone else. I know that I am the only one committed in this imaginary relationship although things with him have been like night and day. He has been wonderful lately and that feels wonderful. I don’t think that I am ready to circular date anymore…it does not feel good to me and I really do feel guilty and as though I am doing something wrong.

    Daria…thanks again for that clarification….it does help …alot!!


  35.  #36Anne on June 9, 2009 at 11:52 am

    Hi, I just want to tell u, u are great..

    I have a boyfriend right now.. He used to be my high school classmate back then.he works as a seaman ( crewman) in a LPG carrier. they go to alot of its really a long distance relationship..but my problem is..
    he had a gf who is in UK.they really didnt get the chance too to spend time together that much. then he broke up with her due to his reason was no more communication between the 2 of them..the gf from UK dont call him or txt or email he was fed up about has been going on like that for months already and they had been fighting a lot then
    january this year we start talking after 9 years we didnt talk and see each other.coz they live in the philippines and my whole family migrated here in US. we talked on the phone every single day txting day and night. and months after he broke up with his gf and now we are together..he went back to work they had a trip in florida i went to see him…now i am suppose to see him in spain but i am confuse and hurt.. coz one day he emailed me and because i asked him.. he told me that now he is confused. he wants to be with the both of us but he said i know i can only be with one of u..
    and he is asking me not to leave him and if i can wait for his decision.. now i dont know what i should do..
    should i wait or i will just tell him that i cant and move on..?im confused..and im hurting so bad… it was so sudden..i dont even know what to reply on his email.

    Thank u so much

  36.  #37Rori Raye on June 9, 2009 at 11:59 am

    Anne – Welcome – and this is a job for Circular Dating. You don’t have to dump him to date other men. PEriod. Don’t do it as revenge, or to “even things out” Just do it because it’s the ONLY thing that makes common sense! Date until Claimed. That’s it. Love, Rori

  37.  #38Uschi on September 12, 2009 at 9:38 pm

    reading some of the comments here and memories of some ppl I remember when I was a child when I saw myself in my mind is wasn’t a pretty sight kind of unhappy, knotted up facial expression and the curly reddish hair that I hated. Maybe some of that is still sub consciously with me – can one ever get rid of that ? Also all the negative messaging I got from my mom that is still with me to a great extend even though she’s been dead now for 22 yrs. How does one get rid of that. It follows you everywhere and for the rest of your life

  38.  #39Flipper on September 13, 2009 at 6:01 pm

    Dear Uschi – all that is definitely still with you, IS part of you. So rather than vainly try to get rid of it, it’s accepting and loving that bad stuff, those wretched, painful memories and feelings, that help us heal. Ask yourself what that poor little girl needed when she wore that expression, then imagine yourself giving that to her in a kind, respectful, loving manner. In the same way, inside ourselves, we can have an adult conversation with our late mother (or anyone else, living or dead, that played such an important role for us) telling them what we thought and how we felt at that time when we were powerless to express it or to take care of anything (so confused, abandoned, humiliated, unloved, unworthy etc). Then we can also put the words in their mouths and recreate the gestures that we needed to hear and feel from those people. Sometimes we make some realisations that our child self couldn’t seize that help us to better understand and accept what happened. All this doesn’t necesssarily make the hurt go completely away, but can make it easier to live with, so that it’s no longer controlling so much of our present lives.

  39.  #40Uschi on September 13, 2009 at 7:58 pm

    Hi Flipper,
    believe you me after my mother died and even before that I had some imaginary conversations with her were I cussed her out up one side and down the other. That didn’t work, after she died I found out some stuff where she had lied to me and I did the same thing cussed her out up one side and down the other and then I felt guilty cause supposedly you are not to say anything bad about or to a dead person. That didn’t work either and a few years later I kind of came to the understanding that she really didn’t know any better, after all she was a product of her generation too and at the age of 12 had Polio which of course didn’t make her life any easier and she projected her strong will onto me and expected me to be just as strong. They told her she’d never walk again after being in the iron lung and 2 years later she walked with crutch but she walked and she went back to her old class jumping two years and caught up to all of it and got her graduation too and that during WWII. I rebelled for many years to the point that I finally ran away to get married. I think I got married to get away from her cause she was overbearing, wanted me to live with her and take care of her during her old age not considering that I wanted a life too. Amazingly enough after I left she found friends to go out with, take her to the doctor etc etc and one time when I was visiting her doc who made house visits wanted to force me to bring her to the practice the next day but I already had plans to go back to my finance and had train tickets and everything planed. I told the doc that if my mother had friends to take her to the park and cafe’s etc they can bring her to the docs office too. Well my mother couldn’t believe I said that and even before that tried to emotionally blackmail me to come back home and live with her calling it my moral duty to take care of her. Going through all the old letters and everything and being a mom myself 3 times over with 5 grandkids now I realize now she in her own way tried to do what she thought was best even if it was very selfish on her part. I am in some way though still rebelling, yet at the same time liking some of my upbringing with morals and discipline though that last part I am missing to a great extend cause I never really do what I ought to do cause I just don’t feel like it often times. I am German and was brought up that way and would you believe I had to write thank you letters even for gifts I didn’t like etc I even learned to curtsy and can still do it. Respect for elders I had to show even though some really didn’t deserve it LOL and still today I know they didn’t deserve it. In any case I was forced to doing things I didn’t want to do, wasn’t allowed to have friends in school they were all beneath me according to my mom and always being told to reach for better and higher and money and a husband who was well off etc etc – what about love?
    The little girl (me) always though of herself back then as bad cause even then I wanted to go my own way, have my own way and many times rebelled against things that I felt were not needed. School was the same way, I never learned poems by heart cause I knew I never needed them in life so I just didn’t learn them, math I knew I didn’t need more than the basics, history – what for? who cares if that kind soandso had a war with baron soandso for what ever reason. I didn’t care I had other things in mind for myself but was not allowed to do them. I think differently about that today but still some of it I still feel that way. Wanted to be a horseback riding teacher and compete in horse-show jumping, wasn’t allowed to do that cause my mom said her daughter was to good to muck out stables and she didn’t have me under pain and 9 month pregnancy etc etc etc etc etc for her then to muck out stables. Talk about guild tripping you kid – well I understand that now in a way and though it still at times bothers me I have left it behind in a way kind of threw it away. I had to go to secretary school was forced to it was a 2 year school and I had to repeat each class and was 4 years for me and I hated it every moment of it so I hooked school a lot and I mean a lot and spend time at the riding club. Of course I am a bad girl and the black sheep of the family ha ha ha
    Some things I grew up with are really worth having and todays children are missing that and the values of it but living here in the US a lot of ppl just don’t understand that either so its like I am running into a brick wall and getting bumps on my head doing so and so I have adjusted yet in the back of my mind all that stuff is still there and some of it at least to me has value. Like using and reusing things and being frugal and saving things for future reuse. Thats where a lot of times Dave also doest understand me, and yet if he needs something and I have it he is glad not having to spend the money and I tease him and say – hey thats the stuff you are bitching about. For example I cut zippers out of pants that have a rip in it and use it on pants that need a zipper. To him the time I spend sewing that is time I could spend making money in a job – as long as I don’t have a job I might as well do that – wrong? To some part I think it is a cultural difference and it needs to be talked about and understood. Yet basically we are all men and women and we need to somehow get what we need especially when it comes to love.
    Are all those above mentioned things stumbling blocks? I don’t think so cause the love I have for him has nothing to with all that.

  40.  #41Uschi on September 14, 2009 at 9:51 am

    I have a comment to the following from apparently an earlier post at

    Where do you stand on financial stability? Is it a non-negotiable on your list, or would you be happy with a fabulous man like Jason (and he IS fabulous – go look at his picture on the links and read what he writes) who is more spiritual/emotional/contribution-based than money-based? What’s important to YOU?
    I encourage many women to throw out their idea of “success” in a man…and to find out what’s really important and necessary. How do you feel about all this?

    To this I say:

    It is just as easy to love a rich man as you can a poor man if you fall in love with a man. That being said, I feel it is important for a man to provide as best he can to make him feel good and masculine, however that has nothing to do with being rich or poor. What the man brings to the relationship is very if not the most important, I have known many couples who struggled with money but their core was love and being together and they worked things out together as best as they could.
    Important to me is that the man is there for me when I need him, respects me for who I am and what I am and as a woman and excepts me as I am with all my faults etc. Equality to me is doing the same for him.
    Very basic.

    Any comments on this?


  41.  #42Rori Raye on September 14, 2009 at 4:21 pm

    Uschi, I encourage women to be flexible on this…but it requires a WOMAN to be financially stable. And to just listen to themselves. If your mind wants this to be “okay” – but it doesn’t “feel” good (not “right” – sometimes what feels right is wrong for us)…but GOOD – then this kind of thing isn’t for you. Love, Rori