Support For Targeting Mr. Right

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If you have my new program about Circular Dating  – “Targeting Mr. Right” – I want you to have extra support for staying with the nuts & bolts of the program.  If you’re finding yourself stuck in any one place, needing a push to keep going – post your comments here, and I’ll help as much as I can in my reply (or I’ll jump off into a new post to help you).

(Later, this will be a section of the blog you’ll need a password for, so I can make sure everyone who posts has the program and we’re all on the same page – but for now, I want to help you all I can.)

If you’d like to learn more about the Targeting Mr. Right program, or simply get extra advice and see the videos…go to my catalog page here->

Love, Rori


  1.  #1Linda G on April 10, 2009 at 5:24 pm

    I guess everybody is out circular dating tonight!
    I am home learning the message that the guy who decided to retract his offer for dinner tomorrow night sent me his message weeks ago when he was so reluctant to step forward, make the trip, etc.
    i should have been truthful and not even said yes this time.

  2.  #2Daria on April 10, 2009 at 6:21 pm

    Hey Linda… actually you should have said yes because you now have an opportunity to be triggered. yipee.

    im sortof kidding

    I know you are feeling bad right now and that is ok… I hope you feel better soon…

    I just took myself on a date to barnes and noble… the guy I was supposed to meet this morning flaked on me too…

    and I think I got a headache because of it… I tried to EFT my headache and it didn’t work and then I remembered when one lady’s headache was tied to something unpleasant that had happened to her earlier with someone… and when she EFTd that the headache went away… well that kind of worked for me right now…


    I still feel tired (I’m actually kinda sick – was going around the family).

    But better about the headache…

  3.  #3Linda G on April 10, 2009 at 6:27 pm

    I did originally say yes, even texted him to say yes about tomorrow night, but he said no, too late. I don’t really feel bad, just bored. He’s weak.
    what is eft?
    I did just get an email from amatch guy who thinks he’s so funny but he’s so smug. I am considering emailing him back and saying, I don’t like this energy exchange. But is it better to ignore? I also don’t want to be mean, but I know he will drive me mad.

  4.  #4Daria on April 10, 2009 at 6:30 pm


    smug? that sounds like a judgement… are you feeling triggered?

  5.  #5Linda G on April 10, 2009 at 6:40 pm

    I think I am feeling triggered. He keeps explaining his humor to me, and using my profile for a jumping off point for sarcasm.
    yeah, I’m triggered. I hate being looked down on, mimicked or made fun of from a superior feeling person.
    This is the third time he’s emailed me and each time I get more and more ticked off. although i thought of a good humored reply.
    maybe that should nbe my exit line.

  6.  #6Ann on April 10, 2009 at 6:42 pm

    I’ve had a bad afternoon so maybe my nervers are overly sensitive. But I feel left out from this post, I don’t have Targeting Mr. Right and can’t afford it right now. If post about Circular Dating are password protect it feels like I’ll miss something.

  7.  #7Linmayu on April 10, 2009 at 6:47 pm

    OK, this is going to drive me nuts, having a section of the blog that’s password protected…I’ll probably end up getting Targeting Mr. Right just to feel like a part of the club. I already feel somewhat out of it when people talk about the program…this’ll push me off the fence for sure.

  8.  #8Rori Raye on April 10, 2009 at 6:52 pm

    Ooops – not to worry – all of you will get the password before that happens so you can participate – you all know so much about Circular Dating, you’ll be helpful to the newbies, and when and if you do get Targeting, you’ll be zooming… I’d be a fool not to invite you in! – and it’s not going to happen for a long time anyway…Thank you for the instant feedback. Love, Rori

  9.  #9Linda G on April 10, 2009 at 6:56 pm

    Ugh. I emailed the comic my funny response and now we’ve got a joke a thon going. Message? Lighten up? Be surprised?
    i told my dad I didn’t need him to abysit Sat nite because the guy cancelled. He said, “he’s punishing you”. message?

  10.  #10Ann on April 10, 2009 at 7:13 pm

    Thank you Rori I feel so much better after your response.

    Linda G if the “joke athon is feeling good” have fun with it. It’s kinda like in school the boy & girl trying to 1 up each other.

    And you might tell your dad the guy is punishing hisself not you. He’s the one missing out on the date with a goddess.

  11.  #11Linda G on April 10, 2009 at 7:24 pm

    Thanks for being suportive, Ann. For me, the guy who missed out on the date is a drain. I felt it all along. ick

  12.  #12Ann on April 10, 2009 at 7:32 pm

    AW then he did you a favor then. I would feel tempted to send him a note saying I feel thankful thanks lol

    I’m sorry that might be mean the only excuse I have is my emotions are all out of whack or maybe it was just the quirky side of my humor coming out.

  13.  #13Melissa on April 10, 2009 at 9:04 pm

    I have been out on a few dates since divorce. I have felt more comfortable spending time with guys who are friends. I also have been dating myself, taking up long lost interests!

    I now want to start dating, meeting new guys. What do you say when you are just getting started again, when a guy asks you if you are dating..Use the not into being a girlfriend, and feel like dating until I meet someone to spend life with.???

  14.  #14Linmayu on April 10, 2009 at 10:04 pm

    Melissa, I’m in a similar situation as you are, except my divorce is not final and I don’t have male friends. I started dating immediately after moving out, and had been flirting and dating myself before I moved out.

    Every guy I meet knows that I’m separated. No one has yet asked me if we are “dating,” but those who have expressed a desire to continue seeing me know that we aren’t exclusive. I used to say things like “I’m interested in getting back in the game” or “I’m looking to meet some people and have some fun.” Very masculine statements, but that is really and truly what I want right now.

    I personally can’t say I feel like circular dating until I meet someone to spend my life with, because right now I don’t want to meet someone to spend my life with; I want to meet as many someones as it takes to get my dating self-confidence back, so that I don’t end up sitting alone in front of my computer for 8 years because I’m too scared to date!

    I won’t feel “ready” to consider remarriage until probably 5-6 years from now when I graduate from pharmacy school–but at my age (32), I’m open to some quantity of monkey wrenches being thrown into the plan. Given the natural timing of relationships and how well Rori’s stuff works for people, if one Circular Dates consistently and seriously, it will not take anywhere near that long before marriage proposals start happening. I plan to take things as they come.

  15.  #15Tracy on April 10, 2009 at 10:19 pm

    Lin mayu

    I totally agree with your statement,i feel that circular dating helps you learn more about yourself and helps you discover what you really want,be it a new relationship,getting your confidence back or targeting the Mr Right…and as with me i am also circular dating just to get my confidence back and i am already feeling like a goddess at the moment.


    I feel that when i focus on just having fun,meeting new people,Practising rori’s tools then its easier to go through with the dating and i feel that i am discovering bits of myself,and learning to speak my truth and be myself…it feels motivating..

  16.  #16Ana on April 11, 2009 at 7:44 am

    Thank you, Rori, so much for your mailings and tools! I just got the “Siren” programme and must say it feels so weird even to listen to your vizualizations, etc… I have realized some time ago that somehow I function in a masculine mode, as if I lost my true self and really need to “change the plate”. I will try 🙂
    But now another question – how to use them? Where to start? I haven’t been in any type of romantic women-men interaction, dating or even flirting with men for a few years (sorry, can’t outline the reason for that but it was my choice at that time) and now I want to change the way I have been living, but feel so lost, like I forgot how to flirt even.. I have almost no social circle, just a very few friends, at work – I work alone in the office… Ok, I do go to gym and at different occasions asked for help with machines but it didn’t bring conversation any further. I was on on-line dating site for 3 months that brought me only 1 date. I attended a sport event, but seemed like men come there with friends and being alone felt awkward. And really, I am a good looking, fit, cheerful and fun women (35). What I read in your mailings on Circular dating is thrilling but I can’t purchase the programme right now. Perhaps, if I may ask, you could share few little tips, just to start off 🙂 Once again, it’s really, really great what you’re doing!

  17.  #17Rori Raye on April 11, 2009 at 9:27 am

    Ana – Welcome, and thank you for your question. Siren is the right program for you, and when you can afford it, go to Targeting Mr. Right – but I’d also suggest you get the ebook now so you can get the basics of how to start – then the Siren tools will make more sense to you and just naturally flow…

    I know you willl get lots of hints and advice here – I’ll start you with – make a list of the things you enjoy, the things you like to do – walks, classes, sitting at the coffee shop. Things that make you feel good (including getting out of your office and walking or going to the nearby strip mall to wander and eat the lunch you brought with you). And then just do some of those things. Market in the evening, after work. Look at your schedule and start putting in some activities where there are men. Slowly upgrade your life and become more “social.” Then practice the Tools you have on everyone – you’ll start to see a shift. Love, Rori

  18.  #18Daria on April 11, 2009 at 10:37 am

    Mellisa I really like your suggestion/question

    “Use the not into being a girlfriend, and feel like dating until I meet someone to spend life with”

    I’m getting ready to use this Right Now for a new online man.

  19.  #19Linda G on April 11, 2009 at 6:36 pm

    I was feeling so stuck today. Just really low, like my waterwheel was just giving out to everyone with only drips and drabs coming in. Then I got into my car and listened to this program, Targeting Mr Right, and it was just at the int of explaining where I was/am.
    frankly I’m amazed. I got home and got an email from a guy who wanted to know why I stopped emailing him. I was able to say I felt like I was being interviewed, eevn though I was pleased he was interested, and that I felt scrutinized (used another word) having to respond to his emails which were so serious and interrogative (again i used a better/nicer word).
    i’m exhausted.

  20.  #20Daria on April 11, 2009 at 9:41 pm

    today I saw not one but 2 of my SCARY exes. MAJOR triggers. also I was with a guy (friend but still) when they saw me! whoa… it felt really intense

    I noticed that the first one I saw (he drove to my car and greeted me) I felt very powerful when I saw him. then he left kind of fast, I would’ve felt open to him talking to me some more. (I was with guy friend). I wonder if I didn’t flirt because I felt awkward having another man with me?

    I felt a little weid that he left early… A little like Im not good enough to make him stay…

    Then the second one I felt all triggered by, I heard his voice before he even came in the house, and it’s like his voice was the clearest in my head, I could totally hear and understand all his conversation above anything else going on. His voice was going up and down and I couldn’t help but listen to it it was like a song (Siren?? lol). Then he came inside and said hi to my friends parents while I was at the computer. Then he went back out and then when I went in the room where he and my friend were to grab my phone he said… how have I been… and I didn’t look at him (grr feel disappointed that I couldnt/didnt,) very much all I could squeeze out was “good” and then he left. And then we all went outside and he left and I said I left too.

    I noticed he always leaves before me and I feel like mesmerized and have a really hard time leaving people… I feel awkward… even with the ohter ex earlier I felt weird when he left…

    so I felt like I failed because all I said was good with something like what probably looked like a DIRTY MURDEROUS LOOK

    so I feel so furious he is having a baby and telling my friends parents aobut it… I didn’t want to say it in front of my friend too… I feel furious… I feel like I wouldn’t care if he had 10 wives I would still want to be one and want him to want me all to himself only… which feels really uncomfortable to write here right now…

    I feel really embarassed and ashamed and humiliated

    I feel really weird saying this… I feel like this is a part of me speaking or something…

    All in all I feel awkward and not good enough and disappointed

    But i really like Rori’s parallel universe tool where all the things I think are standing in my way or are bad are actaully my BEST QUALITIES

    All i have to say is BEST QUALITY in my head and I know Im good… I feel better… best quality…

    ahhh. big sigh of relief

    I freakin braved 2 exes whoa

  21.  #21Linda G on April 12, 2009 at 5:49 am

    Daria; that has got to be so tough, to still be in social circles with your exes.
    I guess we have to look at it as they still have something to teach us.
    even though it feels good to hang up first, walk away first, if your head is high, or if you don’t flinch, it’s like when cats stare at each other. The one who remains, wins.
    You did great. You are strengthening yourself from the inside, readying yourself for something better, someone better.
    My exes usually just drop off the face of the earth. Tha advantage of living in a big city, or I used to.
    hey, the first ex left so fast because it probably freaked him out you were not alone.(tee hee)

  22.  #22Flipper on April 12, 2009 at 7:37 am

    Linda G – That kind of joking at your expense can be a technique that’s taught on the guys’ dating sites (cf. David DeAngelo’s Double Your Dating). It’s supposed to help them build up Their confidence and not look needy when contacting the 9’s and 10’s (ugh! – his terms), because the overnice ‘wusses’ aren’t enough of a challenge for the top girls (it’s vaguely admitted this should be toned down with the ‘shy’ girls). Rori mentioned this sometime back. I believe she said it’s a good occasion to use feeling messages if you’re not comfortable with it. Or even better, I loved how you allowed yourself to BE SURPRISED and have fun playing the same game.

    Ann – great comeback to Linda’s Dad. Big hug to you during these difficult days.

    Daria – I get in the same bind, “feeling” that I’m making mistakes and am hopeless. Those Nasty Voices are real bitches – maybe I should try hitching them and their energy up to my Cruella-Morticia-Kali (have made some fantastic drawings of her recently) instead of sending them off nicely to the corner with a cookie. Love your reminders about BEST QUALITIES. BQ BQ BQ BQ BQ……

  23.  #23Linda G on April 12, 2009 at 7:46 am

    Inuitially I told the guy that his joke(which read as sarcasm and not nice) felt wierd and he responded with, I guess you just don’t get it/my sense of humor.
    someone should write into David Deangelo and tell him emails do not convey the same subtleties as voices and often come out bad, really bad. have experienced this before, and I’m a funny gal.

  24.  #24Daria on April 12, 2009 at 9:35 am

    Thanks Linda G and Flipper!

    Linda G you are right he probably freaked out… I Know I need more practice feeling comfortable flirting with other men when I think that it appears I’m with another one (even if he’s a friend). I remember that from Targeting Mr. Right.

    Flipper I like the nasty voices suggestions. I just sent mine to make me feel really good and powerful and able to come out again and feel great… and it’s working I instantly felt a boost in how I carry myself.

    I might go back out there today… besides the exes I saw a bunch of other people I know and I want to see again but there were still people calling me wanting to see me.

    I got nice greetings. That felt good.

    I feel scared and trembling and I love that, and I want to feel powerful and excited… and FUN and free to ENJOY And feel GOOD.

  25.  #25ABC on April 12, 2009 at 3:10 pm

    hi Rori,

    i hope you see my post.

    i understand that we have to share about who we are and our emotions with a man. but is there a thing as “sharing too much info”??

    some of my friends have started out with men that are super sensitive in the beginning, they share everything with the men, what they like, what they want, so these men pick up on that, and tell them what they like to hear, and buy them stuff, treat them like princess, at the end, these kind of men turned out to be the abusers.

    and circular date only makes it worse because these type of men stand out the most and are able to give you what you want in a short period of time, they claim you even before other guys get to you.

    i just feel very sacred for my best friend right now, i am concern for her safety as she is dating someone who fits the “abuser” profile, he creeps me out, and i don’t know what to do.

  26.  #26Rori Raye on April 12, 2009 at 5:06 pm

    ABC – An abuser abuses. A man who’s just being nice and charming isn’t abusive until he does or says something abusive.

    Sharing yourself must go hand-in-had with inner strength, the diva-qualities of having Boundaries and trusting yourself and your instincts.

    You really can’t miss an abuser. He’s controlling, gets nasty and angry – and yes – in my Toxic Men program I give you a quiz to find out the level of toxicity a man has – and I discuss a bit of the more clinically bad guys – the sociopaths, the narcissists…

    Learning to read these red flags is something Circular Dating can HELP you do…Love, Rori

  27.  #27Linda G on April 12, 2009 at 6:56 pm

    Very powerful stuff just said.
    But now for something about me.
    what to do, how to respond to the guy you said you were feeling uneasy about due to his future talk, when he shows up again?
    also, my good guy never got back to me when I left him a message he was waiting for about my schedule for todays date. (we were supposed to meet in the afternoon, but with my mom in hospital I told himI would get back to him about the time). I don’t want to lean forward and ask what gives…

  28.  #28Daria on April 12, 2009 at 7:11 pm

    Linda which guy is this? the one who was ill?

    I feel amused… didn’t you expect him to show up again after such a feeling message? ( I did )

    I suppose you share more of what you’re feeling in the moment…

    As to the guy who didn’t get back to you… I feel confident that leaning back and not asking him anything until he comes to you would feel interesting at the least…

  29.  #29Linda G on April 12, 2009 at 7:19 pm

    Oh no, Daria, the guy who was ill did get back to me, see earlier post on “no” very genuinely and I responded with a Rori approved I feel saddened and thank you message. Nothing since. Perhaps in time, but I’m trying to decipher my lesson.

    The guy who showed up tonight is a guy who started future talking date one and by the second date I felt all ick and told him.

  30.  #30Linda G on April 12, 2009 at 7:20 pm

    Please, Daria, Even I can’t keep my men straight now, couldn’t even remember the name of the ick gut when he im’d me tonite

  31.  #31Linda G on April 12, 2009 at 7:21 pm

    I meant ick guy, although he could use to lose a few…

  32.  #32Linda G on April 12, 2009 at 7:26 pm

    now I’ve got some new guy emailing me on and off all day with, how was your day? answer, feeling message, today I did…blah blah blah………..
    I keep dropping the ball when he answers like that and then he emails again. if this goes on tomorrow, maybe I’l do the I hate emails heres my number thing.But i hate offering my number. I enjoy making them ask for it.

  33.  #33Daria on April 12, 2009 at 9:36 pm

    hmm… I feel comfortable giving mine because 1. Rori advised it…

    and 2. It’s still up to him to call… so he’s still having to initiate…

    it makes things much speedier for me…

    I can see how it feels nice for him to ask too… I guess giving it out is kind of giving him the benefit of the doubt…

    I really do enjoy how shocked some meen seem to be when I give them my number so quickly… it makes for a lot of phone/meetings and less online dragging on…

  34.  #34Daria on April 12, 2009 at 10:41 pm

    See ex along with other people… ex has been talking to people about his upcoming baby… Feel overwhelmed and “bitter” and feels awful…

    Ex says” HI how have you been”

    I say: (good and avoid eyes – what happend last time)


    I say: I feel furious!



    I say: it feels so weird talking to you… im feeling uncomfortable


    I say: I feel so weird… I miss you.

    or what is authentic?

    fake pleasantries? smile and keep on? ew


    was there something in toxic men about this?

    what do you think?

    Rori please help with how to open this to authenticity…

    I feel like I’ve been so inauthentic in the past I don’t know how to change it… and my body language screams out… Im feeling angry…. and cold…

    and I feel embarassed to feel “bitter”

    I feel like Im being “bitter”

  35.  #35Daria on April 12, 2009 at 10:43 pm

    It would feel nice to be prepared ahead of time…
    that way I can maybe get farther (more rounds) when triggered…

  36.  #36Linda G on April 13, 2009 at 5:09 am

    Daria; I would just say, Truthfully, I feel kinda uncomfortable bumping into you. Out side of that, I feel great.
    This way he knows you are uncomfortable but doesn’t get the impression you are devastated or having an unhappy life..

    does that help/make sense?
    email guy just asked if I wanted his number. so I emailed him mine. you are right, although emailing is safe and I don’t need lipstick for that, talking leads to meeting quicker.
    but I do have another email guy who I sent my number to. he called, no date yet. what do you think, three strikes(calls) you’re outta there?

  37.  #37Daria on April 13, 2009 at 9:50 am

    Linda G. Thank you. I did not previously consider the option. It feels scary, (maybe because it is true).

    I feel uncomfortable running into you, but I’ve been feeling great.

    wow how scary seeming right now. Thanks.

    As far as meeting I usually start “pushing the issue” right away (sometimes before they get to the phone)… by that meaning:

    “It would feel so nice to see you… what do you think?”

    My impression is that guys don’t know when it would be ok to ask you, don’t want you to freak out or turn them down, so that is my way of letting them know…

  38.  #38Linda G on April 13, 2009 at 8:01 pm

    so I give mr email my phone number. now he’s texting me!

  39.  #39Robin on April 14, 2009 at 8:21 am

    Well, this is very interesting…I find that I have no trouble practicing the tools on men I have feelings for, or have been involved with..but new men, on the street, I feel myself wanting to shut down…they just don’t seem to measure up, and I make a quick judgement, and start to shut down….

    Also, I have very strong religious beliefs regarding sex. I want to wait until I am married. I have found my comfortable stopping point, and am able to stop men at that point. But I don’t want to put myself into a box (Rori mentioned this…) and have a negative vibe about sex. Do we just stay completely open with the man until reaching that stopping point?

    I REALLY want to wait until I’m married, but I get scared that men will think I’m a prude. How can you handle this and still bring a man close? I have seen so many friends and family members get married or engaged while having sex. I’m starting to think that its not possible to wait…
    Any thoughts??

  40.  #40Daria on April 14, 2009 at 9:33 am

    Hehe Go Linda G!

    I found that men who got my number online are much more likely to text first…

    if I get tired of it i say…

    “I don’t like texting and it would feel great to talk to you”

  41.  #41Linda G on April 14, 2009 at 10:32 am

    We,, text/email guy emailed me to say “hi, talk to you later”. I answered call me any time after 11 AM. and he did! he ended his call saying, we’ll speak again about maybe getting together. I answered that “would feel great to meet” he says, “text me any time”. yeah right.

    PS actually had a good date last night! there was mix up initially as he emailed me he was looking forward to our date and I did not respond. so he called at 6pm all worried/ weren’t we supposed to have a date? didn’t you get my message? in true Diva style, I experiemnted and met him anyway. I had a great time! my men are improving! yeah!

  42.  #42Tracy on April 14, 2009 at 1:12 pm

    I feel glad that you’d want to wait until you get married…
    i will only tell you from my experience as thats all i know…
    I feel that you can stil enjoy a good and romantic relationship with a guy without engaging in sex and feel fulfilled by it.If the guy is a good one then he’l respect your boundaries and respect your decision.Sex for me feels emotionally binding thus engaging in such an intimate way with a man should only be done when you are ready.By this i mean emotionally ready.That you are strong on the inside as rori puts it,and that the guy is emotionally available and your relationship has a good future.
    I will admit that i always wanted to wait i got married,but my reasons were wrong…i felt that i was saving myself as a gift sort of thing for a guy and i was also doing it for religious purposes.not for me
    My boundaries were based on fear and other people’s perception of me and not based on how i really felt about it..
    Focusing on you and not what others are doing for me is the best thing to do and always trust your boundaries…

  43.  #43Linmayu on April 14, 2009 at 10:36 pm

    Tracy and Robin, I waited until I was married and I don’t regret it, even though my reasons were all wrong–I did it to protect myself from heartbreak by someone that I had slept with, and clearly that did not work.

    The RIGHT man won’t think you’re a prude. And not sleeping with them will weed out the wrong ones, fast.

  44.  #44Linmayu on April 14, 2009 at 10:39 pm

    Also, I feel glad to hear that you know people who got married and engaged while having sex. Most people that I know who have sex with their boyfriends, still have boyfriends. I was taught as a young girl that a woman who has sex before marriage will NEVER find someone to marry, and heard so many miserable stories of people having sex and being treated badly, I was scared straight…it’s good to know that it’s not as bad as I thought.

  45.  #45Daria on April 15, 2009 at 2:49 am

    Mmm… so on the other side of this discussion guess what. I just had sex. It was because I wanted to and I felt like allowing myself to experiment.

    I included “It would feel really good to have sex right now” to one of my exes I have been seeing (not the triggering 2 from the village day). Later he called. I missed it, I called back (a little lean forward) but I was with a guy. Lately I have been practicing talking with another man on the phone when Im with a man especially if they are friends… that is so I can ease into flirting with men when Im with another man because I would feel weird, guilty shut down. The friend man I was with seemed to be tryna talk me out of going to see ex guy (oh, way on the other side of town, are you sure you wanan use your gas? lol lol) , and I felt flattered and Very amused.

    Anyways I wound up calling and then leaning back, and I feel like Im really feeling more authentic with this man, who before woud trigger me. He is really lean back and seems very afraid that he’s going to somehow be taken advantage of almost to the extreme that he demands to be given to and seems very reluctant to give. I wanted to practice having sex because I feel like I want to develop my sexuality. It felt like a good “boy toy” (although I hate that word makes me feel ick want a better one)… like a sexually safe for me experience.

    Because I wasn’t thinking relationship (I was thinking I feel amazed that I wanted to have sex and now it’s about to happen and I am able to melt and receive and have even communicated through the “bumps” we usually have in communication)… I felt good and not concerned about he Should this, or that, just stayed open, said no and I dont want to clearly without having to stop smiling or break the silence because I genuinely felt open and engaged. It was fun.

    In the past I would beat myself up like crazy and expect to be dissapointed and start making our “future together” scenarios now and worrying about what would people think, how I have to be treated, and blah blah.

    I’m glad to say that I feel confident that won’t be happening. I feel so glad to be free and feel powerful and able to feel good myself.

  46.  #46Samat on April 15, 2009 at 7:33 am

    Rori this is so cool having a part of the blog for different programs. I wish you made one for modern siren and commitment blueprint so I can practice and see others as well.

  47.  #47Linda G on April 15, 2009 at 8:58 am

    Daria, you totally rock. The goal we are all trying to achieve here is to be authentic, love ourselves and make our own decisions based on what WE want.
    I know exactlywhat you mean about having/making plans in our heads. Even though we are free to do and feel what we like, it’s our nasty voice, our upbringing which impales feelings of guilt when we have sex. making us fool ourselves that its love o romance, because we are not supposed to enjoy sex for what it is, unless a relationship is attached.this si why we allow ourselves to create imaginary relationships, to ease that voice. Brava Daria.
    I am so impressed.

  48.  #48Rori Raye on April 15, 2009 at 1:48 pm

    Daria – this is a breakthrough. Brava! Now – keep very close watch on yourself and your emotions so you can get to triggered feelings before they fester. If you can do this – hormones and all – you can do ANYTHING! Love, Rori

  49.  #49Linmayu on April 15, 2009 at 9:57 pm

    Daria, HELL YEAH!!!

    I feel so inspired to hear of a woman having sex on her own terms. I would like to have sex on my own terms. I don’t even know what my terms are.

    I wrote a whole giant thing and deleted it because it’s all head stuff. In feeling messages: I feel sick and tired and gross and disgusting. I felt embarrassed when a handsome man sitting near me appeared to cringe and disappear into his book in response to my very existence. I felt even more embarrassed and positively awful when I dropped ranch dressing all over myself while still sitting near this handsome man.

    I felt flattered and annoyed when my 6 hot coworkers came up and gave me attention. I felt more than flattered, I felt smiley and beautiful. And annoyed. Can’t they tell by my bloaty sick-face that I feel gross and want to be left alone? I mean seriously why can’t you people read my mind? But then I don’t want to say I feel gross because the attention feels good.

    I feel gross and tired and headachey now. I want to be home in bed.

  50.  #50Daria on April 16, 2009 at 12:00 am

    wow Linmayu… 6 hot coworkers! I feel jealous. Hot ones really?

    Wow. Feels like stuff is going well on Siren Island.

    I feel calm and untroubled and a little surprised at feeling this way.

  51.  #51Linmayu on April 16, 2009 at 9:07 am

    Well, really it’s more like 6 attractive, not-my-type coworkers…

  52.  #52Linda G on April 16, 2009 at 9:37 am

    I always find it an added bonus, almost a rush if there is someone attractive where I work, shop, or go to class. It keeps me in siren mode.

  53.  #53Winks on April 16, 2009 at 9:48 am

    I feel frustrated and delusional thinking there will be “several other men who couldn’t WAIT to spend time with you and impress you.” I have been internet dating for years. There is one I like and right now, and now that I need all the others to circular date I’m not getting any bites! I don’t want to get too hung up on one but I can’t make the others show up!
    And I felt a little confused by Targeting’s explanation about how to handle sex. I shouldn’t sleep with more than one, AND i shouldn’t be exclusive…
    Did anyone read the 4 Man Plan? This seemed really systematic and easy to negotiate. Anyone? Is this method against anything Rori says?

  54.  #54Linda G on April 16, 2009 at 10:03 am

    I find I “use up” my options on internet dating sites, so I try another one. Also, we have to remember that even just flirting with guys we run into in shops and classes and in the park is also circular dating. it’s a matter of not zeroing in on any one guy and leaving yourself open to make other connections.

  55.  #55Callista on April 23, 2009 at 8:27 am

    I’m having trouble with the one lover at a time concept. I understand if you are not sexually exclusive with anyone and you get a freebie to decide which guy you want to be sexually exclusive with, you could sleep with 2 or 6 or 10 or however many *one time* to figure out which one you want to be exclusive with. Then you make your choice, as long as he is also willing to be exclusive. But, if you have made your choice, and are already sexually exclusive with guy A, and then guy B comes along who you want to try out, can you just use a freebie to try him out? Isn’t that cheating? Don’t you have to clear that with guy A first?

  56.  #56Rori Raye on April 23, 2009 at 11:12 am

    Callista, welcome, and thanks for the great question. At the seminar – I got this exact question, and my answer is at the end of one of the discs – simply – it’s this: Yes! You have to clear it with guy A first. If you have an agreement with anyone about anything, and you want to deviate from that agreement, you get to practice being straightforward and honest and talking about it.

    You can say to guy A – “I’ve met someone else who’d like to get involved with me physically. That would mean breaking our agreement about sexual exclusivity. What do you think about that?”

    If you sense that guy A is moving toward a long term commitment – you may have to look at why you want to sleep with guy B.

    Also – sleeping with a lot of men is sort of “sport…” and it’s just not what you want to be focusing on when your goal is the relationship of your dreams. Taking a lover is just a lovely option some women can handle with Circular Dating – though most of us can’t without getting too invested and slowing ourselves down. So keep a close attention to yourself and your feelings, and you’ll find your way to learn the most the fastest. Love, Rori

  57.  #57Peggy yost on April 26, 2009 at 7:01 am

    Dear rori,
    I have the dvds “Targeting mister righ” but only one plays,no others in the set ,the no play symbol appears in the upper right hand corner of my screen.
    Otherwise,I’m having great success with your program,except my own feelings.I feel anxiety shaking on the inside and I can talk the talk,walking the walk feels scary!Why?Can you help me

  58.  #58Robin on April 29, 2009 at 1:45 pm

    I got my online profile up and got some emails. Sent the first short email, but I’m getting so interesting emails back, like “if you wanna talk ever, give me a call…”

    Anybody else had this happen? What exactly do you say in emails to this.?

    Would be much easier to say it in person or on the phone, where the guy could hear my voice, less chance of coming off ‘bitchy’, but emails leave a lot of room for misinterepretation.

    Any Ideas???

  59.  #59Robin on April 29, 2009 at 1:52 pm

    Also, Once you start talking, how short do we keep it?

    I know it conversations need to be short by email and phone, but what’s a good ballpark idea?

  60.  #60Linda G on April 29, 2009 at 1:56 pm

    I always email feeling messages back, I feel a little shy about these things, I would feel more comfortable if you would call me..

  61.  #61Robin on May 1, 2009 at 7:54 am

    Thank you Linda!

  62.  #62Robin on May 1, 2009 at 8:55 am

    Hello All!

    the circular dating is starting to take off, but I really feel like a fish out of water; I don’t feel like I know what Im doing! HELP!

    All of these guys seem to call when Im driving. I answered the phone last night was about to go to the store and pulled into the parking lot. I leaned back for the Good Night Talk, and the conversation really took off. When I looked at the phone again, we had been talking for 40 minutes! I relaxed and he contined to talk. We wound up talking 1 hr. 20 minutes. (OMG, I dind’t mean to talk that long!…)

    I know we are suppossed to keep phone and email conversations short, but how do you wind it down if a guy is just talking and talking, and asking you questions?

    Also, he wants to meet for coffee and a walk this Sunday. He lives near a lake and asked if I had ever been to this lake. I said no, and he suggested we walk around the lake. I like the idea, and also told him I don’t feel comfortable driving too far. He said its only about 30 minutes from my house. I will already be about halfway there for work Sunday morning, but its still about a 20 minute drive or so.

    Is this too much effort?? Im not sure how I feel about this, but I also wanna go too…

    I also made a mistake w/ the guy I used to see, that I work with , who says we’re ‘just friends.’ He called and left a vm that he had a family emergency and would be traveling overseas. I felt bad and called and said (lied) that the vm didn’t record (now I feel guilty..). He talked for a little bit, I practiced, at least, feeling messages and passion stories when he asked how I was, and listening when he talked about his life. I told him I could hear and feel how close he is to his sick relative, when he mentioned this.

    I just didn’t want to seem like a bitch, but I feel like I destroyed some of the progress I’ve made NOT being his friend when I called…

    Rori, what do you think???? Any of you ladies have an opinion?
    I just feel like crap now, I feel like crying..

  63.  #63Rori Raye on May 1, 2009 at 9:34 am

    Robin, please no beating yourself up – and you’re doing GREAT!

    First meeting with a man you’ve never met – IS a meeting, and you drive. A walk around the lake sounds fantastic. 20 minutes is fine.

    Next date – closer to your home.

    Goodnight Talk – (this is in the Toolkit, and a few other programs, I think) – point is to keep it all fairly short and drift off at the end – that’s how you end it – you go to sleep, you say goodnight, you drift off…

    (Yes, there’s more to it than that…but this gives you the idea…)

    You can’t ruin anything with a FRIEND.

    If you want to be a friend and call him back and listen and be a friend – great – do that.

    Lying is not good for you – practice telling the Truth.

    A lot here – hope this helps. Love, Rori

  64.  #64Robin on May 1, 2009 at 9:52 am

    Rori, THANK YOU!!

    Yeah, that’s just the thing..I don’t want to be JUST his friend. I still have feelings for him. And I’m not willing to be his friend while I have feelings for him.

    Oh, well. Im not gonna beat myself up, but oh I wish I had just maybe stopped and took a walk before picking up the phone. Good lesson for the next time…

  65.  #65Robin on May 1, 2009 at 10:16 am

    Hi Rori,

    Oh, I forgot to mention that when he was talking (the guy I called..) he started talking about a friend of his that I really don’t like ( his friend called me up several times-got my number from another mutual friend- and ‘offered’ to teach me sexual acts, but to NOT tell his friend, or he wouldn’t talk to me ever again. When I told him NO, he insulted me and I told him to never call me again…)

    As I was listening and practicing being open, I noticed I felt angry hearing about his friend, and said, “Im sorry, but I don’t feel comfortable talking about joe.” Well, that pretty much ended the conversation.

    And of course, I started feeling bad that I shut down that conversation. Was that maybe not the best thing to do?

    Its interesting, I noticed I was triggered hearing about this guy, and reacted by not tolerating it. What would have been maybe a better way to hanlde that feeling of anger?


  66.  #66Daria on May 1, 2009 at 11:18 am

    Robin… I feel proud of you! I feel great that you reacted by not tolerating it. Also that doesn’t seem like a reson to end the conversation… there are other topics he could have picked up and talked about.

    I want to practice more clearly feeling anger and not tolerating subjects or stuff that makes me feel bad on the phone.

    That being said… I feel so excited an confused!!

    1. AAAh… are we supposed to do pretty much ONLY Goodnite talks on the phone? I have a hard time with the drifting off part… I noticed even in person I feel awkward and guilty saying goodbye, and the guys sometimes seem upset or I get the feeling that they think I brushed them off…

    2. Second…I really ENJOY talking on the phone. I talk to men for hours and our converstion feels lovely and lively and interesting and I feel fun and good. Is this ok? or is this a substitute for real life connection… or waht… is it ok to have frequent long conversations if we like the conversation?

    also the how to end it part comes up again… I feel uncomfortable ending it and often he’s the one that has to go…

    3. As far as friends… if a man starts off trying to date me and I feel like I don’t want to date him and I want to be his friend… is this ok? I have been avoiding it as I know I have an easy time making guy friends, however some of the guys I DO feel like I want to be friends with… how do I handle this?

    Also is it possible for me to be friends with a guy and know that he’s interested in more and perhaps keep the door open for more? If I don’t feel attached to him?

    4. I’ve also been experimenting with talking to men (mostly the ones I feel more “friend-like” toward, or who talk about other women in their life) about my feelings for other men and my dating life. It feels liberating, like I don’t have to hide that I’m dating others or worry about making them jealous. The man who is going to claim me is going to claim me even when there are other men around trying to claim me (because that’s really what’s going on), or should I keep my dating on the hush?

    5. Soo… first meeting is ok to drive… hmm… I’ve been having men come to my town, about 10 minutes away from me and dating me from the start… I’ve said no to meeting them anywhere… also my dates tend to be long including first dates… no 20 minutes, more like 2-4 hours. I would feel weird meeting a man for 20 minutes…

    Is it ok to want to spend more time and enjoy a date? I really feel uncomfortable meeting a guy for such a short time, especially knowing that he’s coming out to see me and we have talked and connected on the phone in advance…

    So many questions oh I hope I have my answers soon. I would realy enjoy having my dating tweaked…

  67.  #67Daria on May 1, 2009 at 11:22 am

    Oh i got confused about the 20 minutes, it was a 20 min drive not a 20 minute date we were talking about. Still, my dates tend to be long, and the men seem to want to stay longer. I’ve even wound up spending a whole day with them before…

  68.  #68Daria on May 1, 2009 at 11:26 am


    I HOPE THIS IS OK. THERE ARE SOME THAT I FEEL FRIENDS WITH, yet I know that they are still interested in sex, and I still feel a little attracted to them too.

    My previous guy friends, well it’s almost the same. I’m pretty sure they wouldn’t mind having sex with me, although most of them I feel “sisterly” toward and I wouldn’t go there.

    With the new ones that are coming to me through dating first, I am experimenting. However I feel that having guy friends will lead to an easier time meeting more guys, and having a more fun social life, and feeling connected and the opposite of lonely which is what I want very much right now.

    I have been holding back on making friends with some of them though because at first I was considering that that was a No No in circular dating… I really really would like more help with this.

  69.  #69Robin on May 1, 2009 at 12:04 pm

    Thank you!!!

    I can totally relate to you..I have been thinking we do not want to become friends with men in circular dating.

    Thank you for your kind words. I agree, he could have continued the conversation. I can’t stand his friend. He seems nice at first, but he just makes me feel angry, I feel absolute rage. He seems sneaky to me…

    I just feel like I shouldn’t have called in the 1st place b/c I’ve been doing well NOT being there for a friendship. I can’t handle it; I get too involved emotionally with him.

    I want him to see me as a GODDESS, and not as a ‘friend’

    ARRGGHH…I shouldn’t have called him…But Im not gonna beat myself up.

  70.  #70Daria on May 1, 2009 at 1:11 pm

    Hey Robin… I feel glad you wrote back to me! I defnitely agree with your decision not to beat yourself up! =D

    Maybe it can help to think of it as an experiment and that REALLY clarified for you what you DO want.

    Also you can use the feeling bad feelig of “I shouldn’t have called him” as a trigger that you can sink into and embrace those icky feelings. (Which I understand helps our whole emotional capacity grow and thus makes it less of a trigger next time).

  71.  #71Flipper on May 2, 2009 at 7:33 am

    Hi Robin,

    I agree about getting to a first encounter with someone on my own steam – that way I feel free and have the means to get away if I don’t feel good about being with him. I feel a little concerned about a lake or out-of-the-way place for a meeting with someone I don’t know yet, especially if I’ve never even been there myself. I’d feel more comfortable in a very public place with lots of people around.

    Even though I generally hate being on the phone for very long, I know I get into such a feel-good place with a guy who is actually attractive to me that it often goes on too long. I’ve often said to myself “oops, that was a good opportunity to practice not serving up a full plate of companionship and/or sexy talk” that will keep him stoked and satisfied far longer than the buzz I got from him will last me, (and so he won’t be calling again anytime soon enough for My taste and needs). Especially when I realize we had often been blathering on about his stuff that I no longer want to feel so concerned by, until if and when he is giving me a real stake in it. For example, I like being able to admire his occupation or achievements but don’t want to hear so many details or on-going dramas about his professional life unless we’re at some point in our relationship that that could have a personal impact on me. I have generally not noticed a reciprocal interest in my own pursuits, Except at times when I have not been overfunctioning with interest in his. So far, this latter mostly happens with guys I don’t care much about (I don’t hang on their words or prompt them to continue ad nauseum), so I’m working on applying this attitude to the ones I do feel a thrill with. Of course, I genuinely desire to learn all about I guy I like, but I’ve realized I also Appear to lap up a lot of boring junk that doesn’t bode well for my degree of difficulty.

  72.  #72Linda G on May 2, 2009 at 9:36 am

    It’s interesting, I can always tell when a date’s conversation goes to old girlfriends and stuff that the connection isn’t going to happen. Or when he just keeps talking and talking like I wasn’t there. I always wonder, can I, should I, try to bring the conversation back around with afeeling message about how uncomfortable I feel hearing about his stuff, or do I just let it go on and write him off?
    I find myself frozen sometimes when this happens,other times it’s a welcome excuse to not getinvolved.
    what do we do when a guy just goes on and on about his custody battle, etc. I want to be sympathetic, yet I feel a guy should be interested in making a connection with me, who I am, which is not, incidentally, his therapist. am i just being a bitch?
    also, long phone conversations, in my experience, go nowhere. what’s his incentive to meet you if he can find out all he needs to know on the phone?

  73.  #73Flipper on May 2, 2009 at 11:01 am

    Yes, Linda G, as in all situations, isn’t a feeling message just what Dr. Rori’s ordered ? … “I feel sympathy for your situation, and I feel a little uncomfortable hearing all the lurid, excruciating details right off the bat”… (well, maybe something a tad less pointed ?).

  74.  #74Rori Raye on May 2, 2009 at 11:09 am

    Linda G – Jumping off your comment to a post…Rori

  75.  #75Daria on May 2, 2009 at 1:42 pm

    OHHH i feel so interested in this also as it kinda is something I’ve experienced.

    I do really ENJOY long phoen conversations because I feel good talking with them.

  76.  #76Linda G on May 2, 2009 at 5:29 pm

    So, I had two triumphs with circular dating!
    I went to a bar/restaurant ith my sister-in-law. we get along famously, but she has always overshadowed me in public; she has a great body, huge boobs, a great smile and is very outgoing. plus she’s married;to my brother; and has all the confidence in the world. this time when we went out. I met her at the place. as I was approaching the place, I went through a couple of Rori’s tools and decided to unzip my heart, smile and stay open.
    I got a seat at the bar, turned myself towards the room, leaned way back, smiled at the world. For the first time I outshone her! guys came over from everywhere!
    until a guy came over and monopolized me after I gave him my number, put his arm up between me and the rest of the room, like he owned me. I felt so confined and trapped! Finally, I just turne dto him and said I’m going to move into this seat. awkward!

    then,last night, I took my daughter to an informal art opening, she’s 11. I flirted even though I was with her, smiled at everyone, leaned back, even went ith her into an empty corner, we were drawing, men came from all over. I responded openly, did not ignore my daughter, kept turning toward her…again, a guy I gave my number to chased off another guy, deliberately. still, it felt good. it was the first time i realized that no matter who I am with, what i am doing, I can still shine.

  77.  #77Robin on May 2, 2009 at 5:35 pm

    Linda G, I feel so happy hearing about that! I feel so great for you, congratulations!

    Its good to hear about the successes with circular dating; it gives such inspiration!

  78.  #78Linda G on May 2, 2009 at 5:38 pm

    up until now, I’ve been going on tons of first dates, these were my first experiences “in the wild”.

  79.  #79Linda G on May 2, 2009 at 5:39 pm

    thanks Robin, hearing you say that makes me feel really good.

  80.  #80Ann on May 2, 2009 at 5:53 pm

    Linda G your experiences felt great to hear. Oh if only we could keep our vibe open and friendly all the time. Wonder if the men would know what to think lol?

  81.  #81Robin on May 4, 2009 at 10:21 am

    Hi Ladies!

    Wow, Ok so I met with a new guy for the first time last night. We were suppossed to meet at Starbucks and then walk around a lake for a little while, but the weather was bad and we would up talking at Starbucks for so long we did go walking…

    I didn’t keep it to the 45 min-1 hour rule 🙁
    We were talking and at some point I wondered ‘what time is it?’, but we kept talking, when I finally looked at the clock, I told him I needed to leave. We talked for 3 hrs! I feel embarrassed. I didn’t mean to stay that long.

    On the + side, the whole time I was going’ why is he here? What’s the message? What can I learn about myself?’ We would talk some more, and I was really enjoying myself, but evey now and then I would go back to “what’s the message?’ and for the life of me, I couldnt figure it out! I practiced leaning back and also listening, eye contact and the Rori Raye dance position too.

    Toward the end of the evening, he made a comment about how some women in a dance class thought he couldn’t dance because of the way he looks. He said ‘people judge you because of how you look.” and I thought ‘omg, that’s it!’

    For as long as I can remember, I’ve gotten hit on by creeps, and I mean real creeps. My work takes me to areas that are not the best parts of town, and at gas stations, stores, ect, this would happen. So for the last few months, I’ve been trying to figure out if Im attracting creeps, or if its just that some men will do this NO MATTER WHAT & that it may not have anything to do with who I am, and I feel very strongly that THIS was the message.

    Another thing he kept mentioning was how hard it is to find someone compatible, w/ similar interests, etc….I wondered if limiting beliefs was also a message for me, although I have really busted through a lot of my own limiting beliefs recently, and although I used think the same thing, I now am seeing that there are really a LOT of men out there, and that its not that hard to find someone, so Im not sure how to interpret that one…
    Any ideas???

    He also mentioned his ex, I mentioned how weird it felt talking about ex’s, and he stopped. But later, he brought it up again; as soon as I was about to say something, he dropped it and changed the subject.

    I feel happy overall with the experience. I really feel like I got some great messages and have made some progress.

  82.  #82Daria on May 4, 2009 at 11:23 am

    Yay Robin!!!

  83.  #83Robin on May 4, 2009 at 12:54 pm

    Thanks Daria!!!

  84.  #84Robin on May 4, 2009 at 1:56 pm

    Hello Ladies!

    Ok, I would love to know if this is happening to anyone else…

    First, is anyone else getting guys who say, “Im going to the coffee shop in 30 minutes, 1 hr, etc…, wanna go?”

    A guy I was talking to online said ‘Wanna meet after work today (we’ve never met). But Im totally booked tonight.

    So I said, Wow, I feel bummed, It would feel so good to meet with you, and I’m booked. What do you think?

    And he goes “What do I think about what?”

    Anybody else had that question asked???

    Rori, whats a good way to handle it when a guy asks this(or something similar) after you’ve just ask him “What do you think?”

    Thank !

  85.  #85Daria on May 4, 2009 at 3:41 pm

    I would say… “what do you think we should do” ?

    or in this case i feel a little weird about his answer so I could try…

    I feel weird… whatsup?

    or I feel weird… i meant what do you think we should do? …

  86.  #86Robin on May 5, 2009 at 9:19 am

    Daria, Thank you!

    I wrote back to him and said “About meeting, lol”

    And he replied “no we all know..this is online dating.”

    Im like ‘wft..what doies that mean?’ You know, I just don’t have time for these wishy-washy, let the woman chase THEM kind-of-men!

  87.  #87Flipper on May 5, 2009 at 3:25 pm

    How about: “I feel tired of this, here’s my number xxx xxxx” and if he calls and can propose something real for you to consider, fine; and if not, it’s time to rest your pinkies and go occupy yourself with something else. In a phone convo that’s going nowhere as above, how about something like: I feel weird, I don’t know if we’re talking about something real or not. I don’t want to wonder if this is an invitation and for what – I want to feel clear so I know if I want to agree to it and can count on it.

    Daria, instead of hanging up right away, what if you just let the silence hang for a few moments – until either he says something or you can catch enough breath to say I feel too upset to continue right now. Maybe a new silence or plain g’bye without waiting and gently put the phone down. I seem to remember some good results you got with allowing the silence to be….

  88.  #88why do women get breast implants on May 6, 2009 at 2:13 pm

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  89.  #89Robin on May 7, 2009 at 8:53 am

    So, this last guy really seemed to be throwing red flags in my face.

    He emailed me last week with “Im moving, so I won’t be able to talk much this week. Here’s my number in case you want to text me..” Well, I didn’t want to text him, so I forgot about if, figured when he got moved in he’d email. A week later, I get an email saying, “you didn’t text me, do you still want to talk?” I told him I don’t feel comfortable initiating calls and texts, and sent him my number.

    Ok, so then Im teaching, my phone is on silent and after class, I have this voicemail that says “If this is really Robin, Im calling you…” Then I get a text asking “is this really Robin?” I said yes it is. He txt me back with “do have more pics? what are you doing ?” Then my phone rings, I go to answer it and he hangs up, so next I get a txt “why won’t you answer my call?” I told him “that feels weird I actually did answer the phone, and it hung up” then he asks me to call him. My phone battery was dying, so I txt him “I feel bad but my phone battery is about to die.”

    Does anybody else see this as strange?? I really felt like he totally didn’t trust me, I really felt a very negative and paranoid vibe from him…

    So the next day I get a txt saying ‘if you don’t want to talk, let me know” I replied back “This feels bad. I mentioned that my phone battery was dying last night and I work during the day and can’t talk then, but now I don’t feel trusted…” He txt me back with “please leave me alone”

    This was so in my face, Im glad he’s not in the rotation, but Im like, whoa, do I need to examine my OWN negativity, it THAT the message here??

    Anybody else had a run-in with something similar??

  90.  #90Robin on May 7, 2009 at 9:01 am

    AHHRRGG… I feel angry just mentioning it here…I wanted to ask him “what is your problem??” but I didn’t bc I didn’t want to make him wrong either…

    So how do you handle it, ie say, etc., when a guy gets weird like this?? I wasn’t sure how to speak my feelings w/o making him wrong.

  91.  #91Daria on May 7, 2009 at 9:51 am

    Hmm… Robin …this guy seems really insecure… I feel impressed by how you handled it and said that you feel not trusted… I am going to try that. I usually just ignore their texts when they start getting weird…(or insecure)

    why won’t you answer my call?

    if you don’t want to talk, let me know

    These things would not get an answer from me because BLAH i feel so turned off reading them.

  92.  #92Daria on May 7, 2009 at 9:53 am

    They also seem sort of passive agressive to me, designed to make me feel guilty…

    Does he really want the answer to why you didn’t answer his call? (in this case you tried to… ) apparently not

    If you don’t want to talk, then how would you let him know… since you don’t want to talk



    I feel totally repulsed.

  93.  #93Robin on May 7, 2009 at 10:26 am

    Daria, thank you for you encouragement!

    Yes, PASSIVE-AGRESSIVE, that’s what that was!!

    I did TOTALLY feel turned-off, I could have ssaid that too…

    Maybe that passive aggressive thing is a message…

    Yes, I felt a big…yuck!

  94.  #94Linda G on May 7, 2009 at 12:08 pm

    I completely agree with Daria and I would act the same way as she says, just ignore them/him. any way, that’s how I handle it, responding, for me, would feel like an invitation for conflict. yuck is right!

  95.  #95Robin on May 7, 2009 at 1:25 pm

    Linda G, YES I was wondering the same thing!! I was like’ Am I taking the bait by responding, or throwing out a great opportunity to speak up for myself and speak my truth (something I’ve had to work on A LOT)

    I ultimately decided to say something though…I just couldn’t believe how weird he got, and so quickly…better sooner than later, but I just wasn’t expecting that…

    Rori, do you have any advice for us ladies who may not be the best ‘judges of character’, as I have been told by people???

  96.  #96Robin on May 7, 2009 at 1:51 pm

    Oh, another thing I wanted to ask everyone is what the heck do you say( the short 3 line first email) when a guy emails you and he has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING in his profile, I mean no photo AND no description, or if they send you an emotigram for a message??

    Just kinda wondering if we can go ‘off-script’ when there’s really nothing to comment on in their profiles…

  97.  #97Linda G on May 7, 2009 at 2:03 pm

    I might say I feel flattered you are interested in/noticed me. I would feel better knowing more about you. Once I told a guy, I showed you mine now I’d like to see yours.
    he laughed and sent a photo to my email.

    Robin, I reread your entry.
    when a guy asks you to please leave him alone when afterall he’s the one who kept contacting you, I would do just that, leave him alone. I don’t think we are bad judges of character for that. Consider yourself lucky he showed his hand before you met and he did something freaky in your presence.

  98.  #98Linda G on May 7, 2009 at 2:11 pm

    now I have a question: what do you say to a guy you had a great date with, then he contacts you; he is looking for other girl friends he can go kayaking with but will get back to you if he falls in love. I answered, thanks for keeping me updated. a few weeks go by, he emails commenting he doesn’t like the new photo I posted. another week, and then, how are you and I hope we can get together one day soon.
    I never responded to any of this. I thought I could have liked him, on our date. but now I feel that if I respond I am taking crumbs. what do you girls think?

  99.  #99Robin on May 7, 2009 at 2:24 pm

    Linda G, Good for you!!! Those first two emails definitely didn’t dignify a response, especially the one about your photo. The only thing I can possibly feel + about saying would have been to the first email, saying something about “you know I don’t feel comfortable discussing other women with you..”, but I feel thats better said in person. I’ve used that in person, and on the phone, but emails…well, it just doesn’t even seem like its worth the effort to respond to messages that feel insensitive…

    I’ve been in/seen similar situations, and the last message always felt like they were ‘testing the waters’. I have either responded w/ ‘feeling great, thanks!’ or just not responded at all.

    I used to not respond in hopes that they would go away, but Im really trying to practice standing up for myself and what I want with men, so Im speaking a lot right now, so…but some messages simply don’t need a response, unless you want to use it for ‘target’ practice!☼

  100.  #100Linda G on May 7, 2009 at 2:40 pm

    This is so funny. I just got an email from a guy who used feeling messages, about what relaxes him and helps him feel centered, and ended his email with tell me what you think!

  101.  #101Robin on May 7, 2009 at 2:52 pm

    LOL, That’s hilarious… wow, tha’s so unexpected.

    Goes to show how truly powerful feeling messages really are…

  102.  #102Daria on May 7, 2009 at 3:10 pm

    Linda G —

    when kayaking lover writes me again I personally would say:

    mmm… I felt bad when I heard you were interested in other women to go kayaking with… i felt really unimportant and I don’t like feeling that way, im actually still feeling angry about it

  103.  #103Daria on May 7, 2009 at 3:11 pm

    When I talk in feeling messages sometimes guys start doing it too… one guy even said… geez i’ve never said so many I feels before, I feel like I’m a girl or something… (loooooooool)

    I make sure I say what do you Think… even if he’s saying I feels…

  104.  #104Rori Raye on May 7, 2009 at 3:45 pm

    Robin and Daria and Linda G. – Thank you so much for all the great stuff you’re putting out there. You’re creating a tutorial for everyone. You are all handling these individual and unique scenarios just brilliantly– when one doesn’t go the way you’d like it to go just do exactly what you’re doing and then let it go – just drop it. That’s the beauty of Circular Dating. Love, Rori

  105.  #105Robin on May 7, 2009 at 8:45 pm

    Rori, THANK YOU!!!!!

  106.  #106Robin on May 7, 2009 at 8:55 pm

    Ok, the funniest thing happened tonight; they all started calling me at the same time.

    So I’m trying to do the goodnight talk with the first guy, and he just doesn’t talk much. I’m usually really good at leaning back and not talking to fill up space and silence, because the guy usually will chime in first, but this guy doesn’t do that and I’m like, ‘omg neither of us are talking…And its just dead silence on the phone. So is that the time to hang up, say wow I feel sleepy, even though the truth is I feel so uncomfortable with all this silence…and this guy seems genuinely nice…he just doesn’t talk much…this happened when we met Monday night, and I feel weird trying to lean back and relax, and I DON”T KNOW WHY….

    I have noticed when I DO lean back and let there be silence with this guy, he doesn’t try to pick up the conversation. Monday, he said ‘look I gotta go…” and tonight he said “I’m gonna go to bed..I’ll call you tomorrow…” He sent me an email Tuesday night asking if I am free this weekend, but made no mention of it tonight..Oh well, I’m almost out of free time

    The other guy was the exact OPPOSITE; he called and I had no problem doing the goodnight talk, I felt leaned back, relaxed, I felt all the tension leave my body, except with this guy, when I felt the conversation winding down and I started to REALLY feel like I was falling asleep, and started to say goodnight, he would chime in with a loaded question, like “”when was the last time you had a boyfriend?”, “what are you looking for with online dating?”, “how long have you been using online dating?”, “how long did you see your last bf?”

    I told him I didn’t feel good talking about exs, but I was like, man I feel sleepy and I wanna get off the phone, and he was just dragging his heals…

    How interesting…WHATS THE MESSAGE? I’m looking for the message. I mean talk about two complete opposites back to back…I’m gonna have to really wrap my head around this…I feel a breakthrough coming…

  107.  #107Ann on May 7, 2009 at 9:06 pm

    A message I can see is men are different, each reacts in their own way. You were able to practice feeling messages on 2 totally different acting men.

    With the first one maybe was a chance to get more comfortable with silence ???

    How did you feel with the silence and all the questions?

    Just throwing thoughts out there hope you don’t mind.

  108.  #108Flipper on May 8, 2009 at 3:01 am

    Maybe the message is that You are not comfortable with either of these Extremes. If leaning back doesn’t elicit any leaning forward on his part, why stick around to drop him the ball when I’d feel icky that he’d rather snooze than pick it up? And if I’d rather snooze than feel interrogated (waterboarding, anyone?), why take on his load when my boundary says my truck is full?

  109.  #109Robin on May 8, 2009 at 7:15 am

    Ann & Flipper, Thank you for these insights! I was very uncomfortable with the silence, which is usually not the case, I can ususally just sit back and chill, but with this guy, its difficult.

    I actually felt annoyed with the 2nd guy b/c I was tired and wanted to go to sleep, and it felt like that didn’t matter to him-he wanted to talk and was gonna keep asking questions…I man maybe he was uncomfortable with MY silence…

  110.  #110Daria on May 8, 2009 at 10:32 am

    Flipper… waterboarding anyone!!! Hahaha… I felt very amused and laughed out loud.

  111.  #111Linda G on May 8, 2009 at 7:04 pm

    Well, I just had a coffee date with a guy who was so not able to step up that he couldn’t even make the move to walk into the coffee shop without my saying, shall we/ then once inside, he just stood there, talking to me, but like right in front of the door, like he had never been in civilization before and couldn’t figure out this whole mysterious starbucks panet! gr……….. I tried to lean back and just hang there, but I got impatient and gently cued him. the conversation was friendly, I was completely unable to use feeling messages with him. don’t knw hy. I find this happens to me when I’m either ultra turned off/disinterested or just don’t get any energy from him. then he asked, so, have you ever been out with a younger guy as much as me before? I felt my hair stand up. I am honest about my age, he told me he liked older women in his email, which I shrugged off good naturedly as kind of a flirt. I am 50 something, he is 40 something, it’s not like he’s some young studly 35 year old Matthew Mcconaughy (I should pick a hunk whose name I can spell). He wasn’t even cute, and he doesn’t really work, has an online business which he gets by comfortably on. I know that’s not nice to say, but c’mon. so triggered…so pissed off mad…

  112.  #112Linda G on May 8, 2009 at 7:11 pm

    I have decided not to tell my girlfriends any more about my dates. they only want to know why I’m not liking anybody and whats wrong with them or with me, really.Implying I’m too cold or fussy or something.
    meanwhile, both their lives are a mess.but they have boyfriends, one who’s bout to get evicted from his apartment and live in his van, got suspended from an emt post for making a move on a colleague, the other is the one with the instant soulmate who tells her how to dress and threatens to leave her if she won’t let him do certain things to her sexually. they’re going out 3 weeks.

    I am afraid I am losing my sireness. I was doing so well until I took a break to look after my Mom.
    my guys who are showing up are mostly very nice, but I am not attracted to them. One is really intense and interesting to talk to but he kinda creeps me out.

    so I have no friends, they all suck the life out of me. just like I think young dude will.

  113.  #113Ann on May 8, 2009 at 7:46 pm

    HUGS Linda G. I don’t feel I’ll ever understand why people don’t understand we may be similiar but we do thing differently.

    Personally, IMO I think you’re making a wise decision not to share with your girlfriends. I also believe in the near future they’ll be wanting you to share where you’re finding all these men are chasing you.

    I don’t feel you’re losing your sireness however at times I have a little setback maybe you are too.

  114.  #114Linda G on May 8, 2009 at 7:56 pm

    thank you for your hugs, Ann. hope all is well with you.

    unfortunatley this low ebb is causing me to blow men off instead of responding positively.

  115.  #115Ann on May 8, 2009 at 8:25 pm

    I truely understand what you’re saying. When I find myself in that “blow them off mood” it usually means for me, that I need to deal with something inside myself. I need to lift myself up before I can respond positively to men. For me sometimes my lifting up of me involves settling down in what I’m feeling. Sometimes my insecurities come up, but when I get to the point I accept that’s where I am right now and “this too shall pass” I let go of the fear of my insecurities taking back over.

    I love reading your post you’re a very smart lady. I feel you’ll be back to your new self soon.

  116.  #116Daria on May 8, 2009 at 10:29 pm

    Hey Linda G and Ann… just wanted to share that when I’m in that “blow off mood” I’ve (recently) learned from Modern Siren that that’s my cue to Rest. I’ve been processing emotions, conciously or subconciously and its time for Rest, time to myself. I find that when I follow this and take that time alone I feel much better and get charged up to get back into circular dating.

  117.  #117Linda G on May 9, 2009 at 2:07 am

    my big issue has always been being closed off, so I feel frustrated that I am back to that after working so hard to climb out.
    what do I say to the guys who are calling? Usually I just ignore their calls when I feel like this, but that triggers me more,
    and it pisses them off. I know I’m supposed to go with my feelings, being polite also is makes me mad and feel put upon.

    I started reading Mama Gena, Daria suggested it weeks ago. I feel better already.

  118.  #118Flipper on May 9, 2009 at 3:07 am

    Instead of ignoring them, or faking anything, I might say ‘Thank you for calling, and I’m feeling preoccupied by a personal concern these days.’ or ‘I feel pleased being contacted, and I’m afraid I’m not feeling very social right now.’

  119.  #119Linda G on May 9, 2009 at 5:16 am

    So authentic, Flipper. thanks. I just always feel afraid they will think I have no time for them. I have kids and work and go to school, so some guys question my availability, so I try to be available, even when it’s too stressful for me.

    my last relationship ended because of that, actually it never even really got started, although it occurred during the course of a year, that was his reticence.

  120.  #120Linda G on May 9, 2009 at 11:44 am

    So I took Flippers advice and sent an email saying how truly interested I am and that I am just feeling unsociable due to family stuff.

    guess what!? I sent it to the wrong guy! guy #1 probably thinks I wasn’t responding…

    so a few hours later, when I realized this, I sent an email to the wrong guy saying, oops! that was meant for someone else, I feel so embarrassed.

  121.  #121Robin on May 9, 2009 at 1:34 pm

    Im getting so frustrated with circular dating-I’m attracting some strange men! So a new guy calls, Im gonna sound really conceited but..Im 5’8″ and really feel less attracted to men shorter than me..I put that aside and am talking to LOTS of different men, and even though I was feeling dispassioned with him, I talked to him, but he starts asking ‘are you really 5’8″? Is that with or without shoes? you might be too tall for me…I told him ‘oh well…’ Then he says, ‘so will you call me?’ when I said I don’t feel comfortable calling men, he says ‘so I have to call you every time?’ you’re NEVER gonna call me?’ What do you ladies think? When ‘should’ we call a guy ( if ever), other than returning a call….then he says ‘do you want to know about me? I LOVE it when a girl calls me, just to say hi, or whatever…I really like it when a girl calls me..’ This really piqued my interest (not in him, but in this concept that he has about women) so I said ‘tell me more…’and really listened…Ladies, is anyone else coming up against this…I can feel my backbone dissolving when these men make it seem like I have conform in some way to what THEY want, and I really want to tackle this timid feeling I get head on…

    Well he said ‘call me’, I said maybe( knowing full well I wasn’t gonna), he said
    are you gonna call me’, I said ‘no’, he said ‘I’ll call you at XX’, well he DIDN’T call…he called at 11:30 and I don’t like answering the phone that late…

    I really need some help just standing up to these men about what’s acceptable and what’s not.

    Im going out with guy A again tonight, we are meeting at a restaurant, about the same drive for both of us, but after this Im gonna tell him I don’t feel comfortable driving to men…

    What do you ladies think???

  122.  #122Daria on May 9, 2009 at 1:50 pm

    I get that ALL the time…

    ’so I have to call you every time?’ you’re NEVER gonna call me?’

    I’ve been dealing with it by feeling icky and

    well Robin I feel so glad you said this… this actually happened to me last nite and I for the first time GOT that this is about them wanting me to Conform to what they want…

    I too am still having fear (timidity) around this..

  123.  #123Daria on May 9, 2009 at 1:53 pm

    I have been practicing trying to not say Ok or maybe to calling when I know I won’t … although I’ve done it many many times in the past until I started “working” on it…

    BTW yesterday I told the guy that I didn’t return his call because I didn’t get a message from him… and he said… “oh, so I have to do all that?”

    I’m starting to realize these are maybe Red flags as well as opportunities to feel triggered…

    So anyway the phone hung up before I could answer… and an hour later I checked my phone and had a very nice sounding message from him asking me to call him back when I get a chance. I felt suprised and good and he didn’t brine it up anymore…

  124.  #124Daria on May 9, 2009 at 1:53 pm

    I am really Grateful for Robin being on this blog… I feel like I can really relate to a lot of the same dating challenges…

  125.  #125Linda G on May 9, 2009 at 1:58 pm

    How annoying can some guys get!?
    I had a guy tell me I was acting like a 12 year old when I said I would feel more comfortable if he would call me. He wouldn’t let it go, wouldn’t call me. I tagged him with needing more attention and adoration than I was willing to offer, especially to a guy I never even met.

    I might say, I’m a bit shy, so I don’t feel comfortable calling guys in the beginning. If they still insist, I say, then maybe we just don’t see eye to eye on this. and then let it/him go.
    Personally, I feel like when a guy is making demands he is obnoxious, combative and controlling. If he’s interested, he will accept your boundaries, do what he has to to get things going.
    How would you feel if you caved and called? I would feel I was being submissive and demeaned. I don’t want to feel that way, so I don’t go there.

  126.  #126Ann on May 9, 2009 at 2:52 pm

    I feel love for this blog and all the ladies here. At this moment I also FEEL anxiety for the situation we’re in at the moment. And I feel anger I will accept the anxiety but at the same time I KNOW I have to deal with this trapped stuck feeling. I have to face it head on I have to feel how I feel and do what I can about it. I have to take care of me or I’m going to be MAJORLY stressed out which will throw my body and emotions WAY out of whack. Right now I’m distracting myself and taking some of the axious feeling out of my body.

    With that being said I’d like to share with you ladies how I’d deal with some of these wishy washy insecure men your dealing with. I would figure out how to best say how I feel about calling men. Even if I had to write it down and memorize it. Then I’d speak my truth when the subject came up.

    A example me: I don’t feel comfortable calling a man I’m just getting to know.

    Man: You mean I’m going to always have to call you?

    Me:I mean until I’m comfortable calling a man I don’t do it.

    Man: That’s stupid.

    Me:That’s your opinion and you’re intialed to it. But I feel insulted being called stupid. I won’t continue a conversation where I don’t feel respected. I’m looking for a man that know’s how to treat a woman.

    Man: Are you saying I don’t know how to treat a woman?

    Me: Do you? Would you like to back up and restart this conversation?

    Man: I’m sorry I shouldn’t have used the word stupid. I do know how to treat a women. Would you give me a chance to show you and hopefully you’ll get comfortable calling me sometimes?

    Me: Apology accepted. I would like to get to know you better.

    If he had continued with the insults after I’d said:

    Me:That’s your opinion and you’re intialed to it. But I feel insulted being called stupid. I won’t continue a conversation where I don’t feel respected. I’m looking for a man that know’s how to treat a woman.

    Then I would of said:

    This doesn’t feel good to me good luck finding whatever you’re looking for and hung up.

    Which brings me to a question. Is there anyone out there who’d like to do a little role play today? If so just let me know here. We’ll each take a role male or female then play this calling conversation out with different outcomes. Since I’m not dating other guys I could play the man role anyone interested in this experiment?

  127.  #127Ann on May 9, 2009 at 3:09 pm

    I hope I didn’t sound too harsh above but for me I’ve realized sometimes I have to speak up and not worry about what a man is thinking.

    For example had a situation going on yesterday involving my hubby’s surgery. A good male friend said let him know what I found out. When I called his cell he couldn’t hear me and hung up on me,

    So I called back after 2 rings it went to voicemail. My mood was I know he didn’t.

    I called him back it rung again and went to voicemail. The voicemail he got said:

    I called you and you hung up on me. If you want to know what’s going on you can call me. (My tone was don’t f@ck with me)

    Then I let it go. The ball was in his court if he wanted to know he’d man up and find out.

    Within the hour my phone rung. He said he’d been trying to call but it kept saying called failed retry. I said alright calmly and told him what was going on.

    My point is I stood up for me and I let it go. I wasn’t worried about what he was going to think.

    One of the girls I text message sent me a text the other day with some GOOD lucking men in it and the song playing with it says” it’s raining men” if I can find the lyrics I’ll post them. I set it as my message alert I love that song lol.

  128.  #128Ann on May 9, 2009 at 3:17 pm

    I found the lyrics to ” It’s raining Men”. The music is really upbeat too. Here’s the part my message tone playes:

    It’s Raining Men! Hallelujah! – It’s Raining Men! Amen!
    I’m gonna go out to run and let myself get
    Absolutely soaking wet!
    It’s Raining Men! Hallelujah!

    Here are the complete lyrics to the song:

    Hi – Hi! We’re your Weather Girls – Ah-huh –
    And have we got news for you – You better listen!
    Get ready, all you lonely girls
    and leave those umbrellas at home. – Alright! –

    Humidity is rising – Barometer’s getting low
    According to all sources, the street’s the place to go
    Cause tonight for the first time
    Just about half-past ten
    For the first time in history
    It’s gonna start raining men.

    It’s Raining Men! Hallelujah! – It’s Raining Men! Amen!
    I’m gonna go out to run and let myself get
    Absolutely soaking wet!
    It’s Raining Men! Hallelujah!
    It’s Raining Men! Every Specimen!
    Tall, blonde, dark and lean
    Rough and tough and strong and mean

    God bless Mother Nature, she’s a single woman too
    She took off to heaven and she did what she had to do
    She taught every angel to rearrange the sky
    So that each and every woman could find her perfect guy
    It’s Raining Men! Hallelujah! – It’s Raining Men! Amen!
    It’s Raining Men! Hallelujah!
    It’s Raining Men! Ame———nnnn!

    I feel stormy weather / Moving in about to begin
    Hear the thunder / Don’t you lose your head
    Rip off the roof and stay in bed

    God bless Mother Nature, she’s a single woman too
    She took off to heaven and she did what she had to do
    She taught every angel to rearrange the sky
    So that each and every woman could find her perfect guy
    It’s Raining Men! Yeah!

    Humidity is rising – Barometer’s getting low
    According to all sources, the street’s the place to go
    Cause tonight for the first time
    Just about half-past ten
    For the first time in history
    It’s gonna start raining men.

    It’s Raining Men! Hallelujah! – It’s Raining Men! Amen!
    It’s Raining Men! Hallelujah! – It’s Raining Men!

  129.  #129Linda G on May 9, 2009 at 3:18 pm

    That is a great song and a great video, Ann. I remember seeing it in Studio 54 on a big screen back in the crazy day…

    After listening to targeting again, i have decided to remind myself that I am using all of these men to teach me to get to/be ready for Mr Right, and try not to expect any of them to be Mr Right.

  130.  #130Linda G on May 9, 2009 at 3:19 pm

    In the video, men are falling from the sky, holding umbrellas.

  131.  #131Ann on May 9, 2009 at 3:25 pm

    Linda G I’d like to see that video. I’ve never heard the song before but I really like the words and the beat of it.It’s a big file in my text messages but I’m keeping it for the time being.

    Often when I re-read, listen or watch something I pick up something new I missed or am reminded of something I’d forget.

    I wish I had Targeting Mr. Right but I still learn here.

  132.  #132Linda G on May 9, 2009 at 3:38 pm

    ann, here’s the youtube link:

    it’s by The Weather Girls, two big girls who previously sang backup for a transvestite singer Sylvester. They were originally called “Two Tons of Fun”

  133.  #133Ann on May 9, 2009 at 3:51 pm

    Linda G thank you. I clicked on the link I don’t know if it will play for me or not. I’m still on slow dial up

  134.  #134Robin on May 9, 2009 at 4:37 pm

    Daria & Ann, THANK YOU!!!!

    I love the role play idea.

    Im definitely gonna just say how I feel, even if its angry, and REALLY speak my truth!!!

  135.  #135Ann on May 9, 2009 at 4:51 pm

    Robin are you still on the blog? If so would you like to have a role play right now? Here’s how it would work:

    Let’s say your going to play the part of the girl. Just call me A and say something to me about how you feel about calling men.

    I’ll responded back in a way I feel a man might respond then you respond back to Me(the man part of the conversation). It just goes back and forth for practice maybe some insights.

    I feel this would be good for all of us. And since everyone knows its role play then we might be more comfortable actually saying our truth. Make sense?

    If you’d like to give it a try anyone let me know.

  136.  #136Flipper on May 9, 2009 at 5:11 pm

    Wow, Ann – your song is fabulous, and thanx for the video Linda. Isn’t that what Rori teaches? – plenty o’ guys out there, including some nice hunks. In the video they all had umbrellas – my hunch is that they’re much more likely to want to give it to the girls that already have one of their own.

    I loved your dialogs, too, with the two endings adapted to whether Mr Date can hear you and respond properly or not. They felt so authentic, and every time you Only talked about You except when you asked him sincere, non confrontational questions. I’d love to be able to feel so ‘with it’ and answer like that, in the moment, while it’s still time.

    I hope someone takes you up on your offer to practice dialogs. Can’t think of any myself right now, but I get so much out of seeing everyone else’s, whether they’re happy with what was said or not.

    I did think of a partial reply for Daria’s “so do I have to call you every time” sorta stuff. What about “I’m not telling you what to do” or “I don’t want to tell you what to do”. Also, reminder about Rori’s ‘I’m a girl and….’ way of starting a sentence off.

  137.  #137Daria on May 9, 2009 at 5:20 pm

    Hi Ann… I don’t feel any harshness at all from your previous role play conversation. It seemed you were very well standing up for yourself with no harshness or attacking.

    I did feel triggered a little hearing about your message to your friend. This is a personal trigger for me, that sometimes when the phone gets disconnected, someone will call me and say Why did you hang up on me? I FEEL SO ANNOYED AND FRUSTRATED WHEN THAT HAPPENS. I would NOT hang up without warning (or very obvious cause) and I feel bad when it’s assumed about me.

    I would like to do a role play about driving if you are still here… Thank you for offering!

  138.  #138Daria on May 9, 2009 at 5:27 pm

    Omgosh Flipper… I’m remembering that’s exactly what I said to the last guy… ‘You don’t Have to…” I felt kinda insecure and manipulative saying it… but now that you said it I’m thinking maybe it isn’t manipulative after all… it’s just true…

    I forget about Rori’s “i’m just a girl… ” start… I want to try it and somehow I havent’ worked it in there… that would feel sweet… “i’m just a woman here… and It really feels so much better to me to get a call than to make one… what do you think?”


    I’ve had guys tell me It’s not the 1920’s I really need to get out of this I don’t call men thing. Well. And sometimes these are older men. Wow. They also say the’ve never heard anything like that before. or that i have a lot of ‘rules.’ Or that they would feel like I’m not interested…

  139.  #139Ann on May 9, 2009 at 5:56 pm

    Daria I’m still here was outside for a few minutes getting good news but I’m here now.

    I wasn’t aggravated with my friend for hanging up but I was feeling aggravated when I called him right back and it went to voicemail. He asked me to let him know what was happening, I wasn’t in the mood to play games with him lol

    Let’s play role play about driving. Which part do you want to be?

  140.  #140Ann on May 9, 2009 at 6:05 pm

    Personally I feel if men aren’t interesting in calling a woman at least until she’s comfortable returning or making a call then to them then they wouldn’t be able to step up for other things.

    Correct this isn’t 1920 but I don’t know a man alive that would say ” I don’t want to be treated like a man.” They might have different descriptions of what ” a man” is per each man, but they have ways they want to be treated. So I feel if a woman says ” I’m not comfortable calling a man first” they should accept that’s how she wants to be treated. And either they can do it or they can’t if they can’t say so politely and don’t waste each others time.

    Dang my blunt goddess is coming out today:)

  141.  #141Flipper on May 9, 2009 at 6:18 pm

    Daria, I said “I’M not telling you what to do”, not “YOU don’t Have to….” – I think there’s a difference. Look at Ann’s dialog, how she always said “I”. 1920’s, 200 BC or 3010, what about “Some things never change” and/or “That’s just how I Feel about it”, then Stop – no more justifying or convincing. Remember, we can expect “grumbling”, and if we don’t cave in or try to make “nice”, we’re more likely to get a good surprise…perhaps a little later.

    I think guys are generally not out looking for THE relationship when they start contacting a woman. They feel attracted, like being with and/or having sex with women, so they try to get that, without thinking why, for how long or about emotional consequences. I just read a good quote that I’ll translate back into English, (so it prolly won’t be exactly like the original): “when men receive, that feel disposed to receive more; when women receive, the feel disposed to give back even more”. I think this means if men are getting good stuff, so easily and pleasantly, they’ll be quite happy with that for awhile and they’ll want to go along receiving more WITHOUT effort. (Unfortunately, they often don’t seem to consider bringing up false reciprocity (calling in turn, driving), guilting us, judging us (stupid, old-fashioned) to be an effort, nor unfair, so they often test with those tactics.) A day, 5 years, whatever – until they get bored and drift away or something causes them to feel the need to make an effort. Drawing and sticking to our boundaries from the beginning (even about seemingly ‘petty’, old-fashioned things) is what inspires his need to make the effort to consider, respect and meet our needs. (I can’t make myself feel good about calling men (for their convenience) if that’s just what makes me feel icky).

  142.  #142Daria on May 9, 2009 at 6:30 pm

    Thanks Flipper for pointing that out… I’m Not telling you what to do… or I don’t want to tell you what to do feels much BETTER than you Don’t have to.

    Right on!

    Ann lets start.

    You be the man and invite me to come to you…

  143.  #143Ann on May 9, 2009 at 6:37 pm

    Flipper I agree with you. I don’t think guys are even thinking about a relationship when they contact a women. I think they want to go out on a date and have fun without expectations. I also think they will try whatever we let them do and I don’t feel they should be blame for this. If I was dating and a man was getting more intimated than I wanted it to go it’s up to me to say NO.

    I feel part of Rori’s teaching is about having fun letting things go where you want them to. But at the same time we have to know what we want, what we feel and be able to speak it.

  144.  #144Ann on May 9, 2009 at 6:40 pm

    Ok everyone remember we’re role playing lol

    Hey Daria, after we hung up the phone last night, I kept hearing your sexy voice. Why don’t you hop in your car and come and see me?

  145.  #145Daria on May 9, 2009 at 7:01 pm

    Haha… I feel amused at Ann’s man (pretty accurate too).

    OK now I’m in the role…

    aaaaand I feel stuck as usual…

    I feel uncomfortable saying this… and I don’t like to drive to men.

  146.  #146Daria on May 9, 2009 at 7:02 pm

    (the truth is right now I also feel annoyed at being asked)

  147.  #147Ann on May 9, 2009 at 7:07 pm

    Awww sweety why are you annoyed? you can’t blame me for wanting to see a beautiful woman. I’m only 30 minutes away. Come on we’ll have fun….I promise

  148.  #148Daria on May 9, 2009 at 7:25 pm

    (thinking: oh wow interesting… i actually wouldn’t have SAID i feel annoyed… would have felt scared… but now that I “did” it feels interesting that the response is not as scary as I thought)

    Saying: I feel turned off

  149.  #149Ann on May 9, 2009 at 7:29 pm

    Well baby if you want to feel turned on jump in your car and hurry over here. I start your motor for you.

    Incased you haven’t guess I’m in the player male role lol

  150.  #150Linda G on May 9, 2009 at 7:36 pm

    This is the point where I realize he is looking for sex, not just someone to cater to him. and I dismiss him

  151.  #151Ann on May 9, 2009 at 7:37 pm

    Hey Daria text below for you from a male friend whose a little annoyed because you didn’t come to his party tonight.

    Hey D where r u? I told you I was partyin 2night. Come sip a sud wth me

    now whatcha going to do you have a player on the phone and a male friend texting lol Circulat dating

  152.  #152Linda G on May 9, 2009 at 7:38 pm

    I don’t even think I would bother with a feeling message at this point. if I was, I would say, I feel flattered you are so anxious to see me, and I would want to say, I don’t deliver

  153.  #153Ann on May 9, 2009 at 7:42 pm

    Good point Linda G but how do you dismiss him? Just ignore him or tell him you don’t feel like being his sex object? And how do you know he’s not thinking this is the way women want him to act because that’s what other women have wanted? So MANY possibilities

  154.  #154Ann on May 9, 2009 at 7:45 pm

    Replying from the male role here still:

    Linda G you don’t deliver what? I don’t know what you mean.

  155.  #155Linda G on May 9, 2009 at 7:47 pm

    When I wonder if he just thinks this si what women want, I find I feed into it and it becomes a waste of time. too clueless for me. I think men know when they are coming onto us and when they are interrested in dating us.
    I agree with Daria, teh ebst line is probably I feel so turned off right now. and also, like Rori has said, I’m looking for kllove and thsi doesn’t feel like love to me.
    now taht i think about it, it sounds presumptuous to mention love.
    I have some guy that IM’s me, and it quickly gets sexual. at first I was like, why don’t we meet first, making a joke, in case he was clueless. but he kept going on, getting explicit and more than suggestive. now, I just don’t answer.

  156.  #156Linda G on May 9, 2009 at 7:53 pm

    (not sure I would say, i don’t deliver, i was trying to make a joke between us girls.)

    I might say;

    I am beginning to feel really pressured here. I don’t like the way you are speaking to me. I don’t want to see you.

    ( of course that’s if by email or text. I don’t know if I could be brave enough to say that on the phone)

  157.  #157Ann on May 9, 2009 at 7:56 pm

    I understand what you’re saying Linda G but what if it’s a man you’ve been dating? Or one you are interested in but don’t like when he comes onto you like that. How do you say it in feeling messages that truely speak for you? And still feel your feminity?

  158.  #158Linda G on May 9, 2009 at 7:56 pm

    “this doesn’t sound like what I am looking for.

  159.  #159Linda G on May 9, 2009 at 7:59 pm

    if it’s a man I’ve been dating, I would say:

    I feel very flattered you want to see me, but I don’t like feeling pressured.

  160.  #160Ann on May 9, 2009 at 8:04 pm

    Linda G said:

    I am beginning to feel really pressured here. I don’t like the way you are speaking to me. I don’t want to see you.

    Male player wannbe responds: I wasn’t trying to pressure you. I was just flirting.

  161.  #161Ann on May 9, 2009 at 8:06 pm

    Linda G says to man she’s been dating:

    I feel very flattered you want to see me, but I don’t like feeling pressured

    Date man: I’d very much like to see you soon I hope.

  162.  #162Daria on May 9, 2009 at 8:09 pm

    Ann i actually get texts like “player guy.”

    Except I’m not feeling the way he’s coming on to be so its more like “i have no game wannabe player guy.”

    I don;t know what I’d say if he actually SAID that motor thing… here’s what I might say:

    Daria: it feels icky to me to drive to men… i like to see that a man wants to come to me

    Texting party guy: Aww thank you for inviting me… I don’t really feel like driving right now… it would feel really fun to party with you

  163.  #163Daria on May 9, 2009 at 8:10 pm

    Lol Ann is quite the player… now she has two times two women to initiate with…

  164.  #164Linda G on May 9, 2009 at 8:12 pm

    to player wannabe:
    This doesn’t feel like flirting. it feels presumptuous.

  165.  #165Linda G on May 9, 2009 at 8:15 pm

    to date man:

    it would feel good to go out with you.
    (but would it? am i too ticked off, i wonder?)

  166.  #166Linda G on May 9, 2009 at 8:15 pm

    that Ann guy is triggering the crap outta me and I’m pissed off!

  167.  #167Ann on May 9, 2009 at 8:16 pm

    Most of my life I’ve had more guy friends that girlfriends, so I’m pretty good at knowing how they talk. I just had a OMGoodness moment.

    I went back up and read Daria and Linda G role post to me in this role playing. I wasn’t thinking about what I was saying back to them in my man role but I just realized what I did do. The majority of my responses were to their feeling messages. OMGoodness men hear feeling message. I know Rori you teach that but I’m actually seeing it more often.

  168.  #168Linda G on May 9, 2009 at 8:20 pm

    OMG Ann, I was totally ignoring your comment above that you were getting good news! would you like to share it?

  169.  #169Ann on May 9, 2009 at 8:31 pm

    Well there was some role playing coming in as I was posting my other post.

    Ann asking here Linda G what did my Ann guy trigger?

    Daria: it feels icky to me to drive to men… i like to see that a man wants to come to me

    wanna be player: Ok let me know if you change you’re mind. I gotta go another call coming in. later babe.

    Texting party guy: Aww thank you for inviting me… I don’t really feel like driving right now… it would feel really fun to party with you

    texting guy: you want me to send someone to pick you up?

    Daria says:

    Lol Ann is quite the player… now she has two times two women to initiate with

    I’m LMAO at that comment not sure what makes men think they can honestly be good for more than one women at a time.

    Shoot it feels like my Ann guy has possibily offended a lady and that’s not funny.

  170.  #170Daria on May 9, 2009 at 8:35 pm

    Omgosh Ann… your party guy is so nice (and able) compared to what i’ve experienced. I would LOVE for him to send someone to pick me up… haha.

    Player guy sounds pretty much like a lot of guys i know.

  171.  #171Ann on May 9, 2009 at 8:40 pm

    Linda sometimes in high stress situations my anxiety level gets VERY high that’s one reason I’ve been talking and trying to feel other things to bring it down.

    I was looking at taking my hubby to the hospital 1 1/2 hours away 2 days in a roll. Taking him there wasn’t a problem except for being stuck in a waiting possibily all day long situation. Monday he has to go for some pre op work chest xray, blood work, bunch of paper work. We didn’t want him to go alone because he begins a liquid diet tomorrow and continues to a clear liquid diet on Mon so he might be a little week. We were trying to find someone to go with him on Mon we didn’t know till today his sister is on vacation. She will go with him for the pre op work. My hubby did not won’t us going with him on Mon but we weren’t going to let him go alone. That’s a load off all our minds.

  172.  #172Linda G on May 9, 2009 at 8:41 pm

    Ann guy triggered all these email guys that get me into these consuming email attempts at seduction that just get cheesy and I can’t get out of

  173.  #173Ann on May 9, 2009 at 8:51 pm

    Daria if that ever happens with one of your guy friends remember to tell that that while you don’t feel like driving you’d like to party with them if someone would come pick you up. I’ve seen a few of these player guys over the years lol

    Question now ladies how did you feel doing this role playing? Or for those reading how did you feel? Anyone have any insights.

    Maybe at least if any of these situations arise you can think in your mind you’re role playing and feel safe to say what you’re feeling.

  174.  #174Linda G on May 9, 2009 at 8:53 pm

    oh Ann,I feel so selfish I have ignored your dilemma. You are so brave and so together to handle all of this, I am sure you must realize. and still take the time and put the energy into our drama.

  175.  #175Linda G on May 9, 2009 at 8:55 pm

    I like doing the role playing thing. it made me really think about what I wanted to say and hopefully prepared me to not panic.

  176.  #176Daria on May 9, 2009 at 9:05 pm

    Thank you Ann for role playing with us.

  177.  #177Ann on May 9, 2009 at 9:19 pm

    Linda G I don’t really feel brave and together but I’m trying to hold together. I really appreciate your vote of confidence.

    Daria & Linda I enjoyed the role play with you ladies. Just practicing speaking our truth. Hopefully we can do it again but someone else gets to be the guy next time lol

    I hope Rori will chime in and give us insights about our role playing.

  178.  #178Flipper on May 10, 2009 at 5:36 am

    Standing ovation to the Rori Relationship Players !!!! Ann-guy – you’re so good about about ‘cajoling’ us and turning what we say around to get what they want. But if what we say is only just about us and our non-accusing feeling: “I” + “feel”, they can’t really challenge that.

    Some other ways of saying things?:

    I feel put off/uneasy/bad/misunderstood/whatever hearing this. (way to avoid saying You)

    I’m a girl and I don’t feel good taking care of logistics/going to a man.

    I’m a girl and I feel turned off having to do guy stuff/chasing men.

    I’m not looking for a relationship that’s just an exchange of services.

    I feel uncomfortable – I don’t feel we’re on the same wavelength here.

  179.  #179Linda G on May 10, 2009 at 7:34 am

    Thanks again Flipper!
    PS your suggestion about what to say about feeling unsocial was accepted brilliantly!

  180.  #180Robin on May 10, 2009 at 2:23 pm

    Ann, I LOVED the role play. It was awesome-Im sorry I stepped away from the computer and am just now getting back on, & I feel such admiration for you with everything you are handling with your husband-I will keep you in my thoughts & prayers-Flipper I love your suggestions-they rock!

  181.  #181Ann on May 10, 2009 at 2:48 pm

    Flipper & Robin thanks we had fun. I personally feel the more we can practice these types of situations in safe enviroments(like on the blog) the better they will be ingrained in our being. Thereby we will automatically know what’s in our heart, how to speak it and have the confidence without worrying about the outcome to do it.

    I try to read this blog/comments(sometimes by email from mobile) everyday. I post as often as I can because I feel the more we share with each other the more we’ll help ourselves also.

    Flipper thanks for share other ways we can say what we feel without blame.

    It’s a dreary day here been raining. I so hope it stops. It feels depressing but I can’t get depressed right now. Going to read more around the blog.

  182.  #182Robin on May 10, 2009 at 2:49 pm


    Im feeling a little crappy today-I’ve had 2 highly emotional (not drama 🙂 interactions with men and Im feeling really triggered.

    I went on my 2ed date with guy A and it went horribly well LOL 🙂

    I discovered some qualities I don’t like-first we were sitting right by the bar and Im allergic to cigarette smoke-I said Im feeling nervous because I cant be near smoke it makes me sick (literally) He said are you serious??People smoke everywhere, you wont be able to go- you’d have to build a smoke free bar just for you-thats ridiculous- I said well, its my biggest pet peeve and I don’t like smoke, and I refuse to be near it- and the personal bar would feel great! 🙂

    Next he started talking about women-I said I don’t feel comfortable talking about other women-

    He got really angry when his food was burned and he sent it back, started getting rude to the waitress-saying Im very disappointed in this-just not in a nice way-

    Then he says ‘maybe I should have taken you out Sun night, because I have lots of women who love to go salsa dancing with me on Sat night-Im usually dancing on Sats.

    Im losing respect and attraction for him by the minute- but the end was really the kicker-

    The waitress brings the chk-he pulls out a giftcard and $2-she brings a receipt back and says ‘I need you to sign this..”

    So he gets really angry , says “she’s and idiot-shes and idiot, I gave her a $25 gf and $2 and the bills $26.95, adn she says I owe $1.98, so she comes over, and he starts yelling say ‘What is this, I gave you $25 + $2, what does that come out to , and WHAT IS THISS!!??, she apologized, was totally about to cry and Im watching in disbelief- He’s like ‘we’re outta here, she asks if he’s gonna leave a tip and he says ‘you screwed up, why would I leave you a tip.? I had left my wallet in teh car, otherwise I would have tipped her right in front of him

    I said ‘wow I feel bad for our waitress, its not her fault they burned your chicken.” He started yelling at me, ‘you should feel sorry for me, not her, shes the one who screwed up, shes an idiot, I said, I feel like leaving now, and he storms off like a child…

    I went back in to leave a tip and apologize to our waitress-I feel so pissed, he seemed really sweet, but OMG…

    I go to church where I work with my ‘ex’ who says he wants to be ‘friends’, he brings his gf upstairs to sit-I told him 2 weeks ago I felt uncomfortable, I its like what I said didn’t matter, and I was so pissed from last night that I told him (still managed to be calm-but I was like F%#$ it-I don’t care what any of these men think of me-Im sick of them trying to walk on me…) He asked me if I was ok, I was really feeling my anger, and I said ” I feel really angry, I just feel so angry I already mentioned that this feels uncomfortable to me, and I really feel unheard-I feel like Im not being heard and that makes me feel really really angry.” He apologized, and I said I just feel so angry I gonna go sit down..”

    I know Im not supposed to care about her being up there (the rock star element-which I totally get), but I was just too pissed to hide it and needed to speak it-I just feel like he’s walking all over me when he brings her up there, knowing I feel weird…I didn’t insist she be up there , I just expressed my anger, right??????

  183.  #183Ann on May 10, 2009 at 3:16 pm

    Robin I feel triggered reading your post. I have a MAJOR problem with people who tell me I’m overreacting, being silly or stupid, or ridiculous etc…whenever I can’t do something the same way they do or something bothers me they think is nothing.

    For ex. I was talking to my dad yesterday. He came home from the hospital after being there over a week. I talked with my step mom as they were driving home. I knew they were at home when he called. So he precedes to tell me something my step mom had already told me about some vouchers they had we could use in the hospital caferteria. Then he says my step mom had told him I would be coming home after the surgery. I told him yes after we made sure hubby was ok. He said why? I said that’s the way we’re doing it. Then he says she’d told him I would be using the stairs instead of the elevator. I told him I wasn’t sure yet, I didn’t like elevators. He says you’re legs are going to get tired. I said I’d be ok. He said I can get in the elevator and be where I want to go in secs. I said I don’t know what I’m going to do. He says that’s silly you can get there quickier by elevator. Now my nerves are already stretched to the max. So I said Look I’m glad you can go the way you want but this is me and I’LL get there the way that’s best for me. With my words and tone then he finally got it to DROP it.

    I feel you did good speaking your anger out to your ex. Wonder what he’d thought if you told him “you were going to sit down and when you can work in a enviroment that doesn’t make you feel weird you’ll start working?” Meaning I don’t work while she sits there watching us.

  184.  #184Linda G on May 10, 2009 at 3:20 pm

    ouch Robin! what a brutal date! what a total toxic creep!
    and I feel you were right to speak your truth to your ex as well.
    Ann, I know how you feel. The people in my family all seem to start every sentence with, “you know what you should do?”
    it triggers me endlessly and makes me feel furious!

  185.  #185Ann on May 10, 2009 at 3:20 pm

    I’d also like to wish all the mothers here “HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY

  186.  #186Linda G on May 10, 2009 at 3:21 pm

    and they always tell us we are overreacting!

  187.  #187Ann on May 10, 2009 at 3:39 pm

    Linda G or look at us like we’re dumb because we do something other than the way they would. Those statements are so blaming and judgemental.

  188.  #188Daria on May 10, 2009 at 4:04 pm

    Hi Goddesses! Happy Mother’s Day to the mothers of course!

    Robin I feel absolutely INSPIRED!!! by the way you spoke to your ex. I can FEEL your anger right now and it feels so GOOD that you spoke it and i really like the

    Fuck it I don’t care what these men think of me I refuse to let them walk all over me feeling… That felt so powerful and awesome in this context.

    I feel so shaky and good reading your interaction.

  189.  #189Robin on May 10, 2009 at 7:32 pm

    Ann, Linda G, and Daria-Thank you, I’m feeling better about the situation after reading your words!-I can’t tell you how much better I’m feeling-I’ve been feeling a little sad all day-I was going ‘omg Rori mentioned that it would not be a good idea to ask him to not bring her upstairs’…even though I didn’t say that to him-I just spoke my truth-I told my mom and I said to her “I wasn’t saying it get a result” and she said” Yes you did, there’s no other reason to say that to him, but to get him to ask her to stay downstairs, otherwise you wouldn’t have said ‘I already mentioned this to you’ ” I didn’t feel like arguing with her…

    Now Im feeling scared that I’m just bringing more distance… I felt so afraid after I said it to him that I was pushing him closer and closer to this girl….I could feel myself tensing up, and I really had to practice Rori’s tools to relax my body, so luckily by the end of church I felt really relaxed, but I also felt like crying b/c I felt my heart breaking all over again with her up there…even though I don’t think about him..I really felt like I was Really REALLY close to being over him, and now I suddenly feel like I’m back at square 1…all these feeling for him that I thought I had worked through and resolved came rushing back all at once…

  190.  #190Robin on May 10, 2009 at 7:52 pm

    So can we kick guys out of our rotation?

    I was asking myself about the message with guy A-Fri he mentioned on the phone that timing is very important when 2 people come together in a relationship..I felt like this was a message for me-I thought about how much of a problem this was with my ‘ex’, the guy I work with at church-we were just in 2 completely different stages of life, and going in two different directions-so this was a little bit of an aha moment for me..

    I feel like Im gonna have to examine how critical I am on myself b/c guy A was so very critical and superficial, so I feel like Im afraid I will be like that too-my dad was very critical of others (and ultimately himself) and very VERY superficial, so I carried this with me for a long time, and even though I thought I had worked through it,maybe Im not completely healed of this…

    Im gonna admit something that manifested itself that I haven’t told anyone before-I have been so concerned with appearing ‘perfect’ and ‘classy’ (b/c I’ve been critical of myself and was plagued with low self-esteem as a kid and teenager) that I spend $, every last extra cent I has while I was in college on things to ‘appear’ put together…I filled my small apartment with so much stuff that I could barely move, and now Im in the process of having to clean this mess (literally) up, so its so ironic that in the process of trying to convince others( and more importantly myself) that I am classy and put together, I wound up putting myself in squalor, messy completely backfired…

    I can feel myself still struggling with these issues, and it was reflected back to me via guy A, so how do I turn this around???

    And this showed up last night with guy A-he was so critical of everything that I had to stop and ask myself ‘am I still critical of myself, am I really still focused on appearances,?’ and yes of course, b/c Im not finished cleaning up the mess…

    Rori, what do we do when we notice a quality we are out of touch with reflected back to us? Once we notice it, catch it, how do we heal that?? What’s the next step? I don’t want to keep attracting the same kind of men-I want to heal this part of me, so I can move on to better quality men…

  191.  #191Ann on May 10, 2009 at 8:28 pm

    Robin I’m not Rori but I hear your concern about this. I believe the answer to your question would be “to love that part of you that you feel out of touch with” to “accept that part of you.” When you feel critical say to yourself ” thank you I hear you but at this time I’m working on being more accepting of myself.” Or something along those lines.

    Please know I’m not answering for Rori just giving you something to throw around while you’re wondering about it.


  192.  #192Ann on May 10, 2009 at 8:33 pm

    Robin said:

    “..I really felt like I was Really REALLY close to being over him, and now I suddenly feel like I’m back at square 1…all these feeling for him that I thought I had worked through and resolved came rushing back all at once…”

    Just feel your feelings because you feel them doesn’t mean you have to act on them. For me personally, I feel oftentimes the more I fight myself the harder it is to accept what I feel and realize what I need to do for me.

  193.  #193Robin on May 12, 2009 at 9:45 am

    Thanks, Ann! Im feeling my feelings, I just feel scared, b/c I feel like I’m going backwards-just a temporary plateau-Im just feeling really weird…

    Im pissing some of these guys of online…Im not always by a computer to get online, and they’re like, do you want to chat online? do you have messenger? im?’ Im like, No, Im starting to think Im too busy…or maybe that Im not ready for this….I feel exhausted….I’ve got to take care of myself, so something has to go, but its like , work, teaching, hobbies (which would ‘ideally’ be the 1st thing to cut out if something needs to go, but I’m just not willing to give up what I love, no way no how, and on top of that, I have SO MANY things I want to do, that I don’t seem to have time for….I go out to my latin and bellydance classes after work, and its so late when I log onto a computer, these guys are like, ‘do you still wanna talk’, I want to say yes, but I’m like, maybe I don’t, since they want to only talk online, and can’t even muster the effort to ask for my number or just call(if they have it)…some of these guys seem like a waste of my time, and yet I want to see what their message is….

  194.  #194Robin on May 12, 2009 at 10:39 am

    Why do I feel like I’m going backwards??? :/

  195.  #195Daria on May 12, 2009 at 2:08 pm

    Hi Robin… have you tried…

    I feel too tired to talk online… and it would feel good to talk on the phone…

    im at 555 555 5555…

    what do you think?

    I do that a LOT and some of the guys follow thru…

    by the way I got that from Rori, and since its his choice to call us or not it’s not really leaning forward…

    I think a lot of guys online think WE aren’t ready to talk on the phone… I give my number to them immeditately… like Rori says, I want to Meet me, not chat…

    (unless chatting or talking is all I want at the time)

  196.  #196Linda G on May 12, 2009 at 3:39 pm

    That’s a good way to get beyond the emails. I have been getting emails from guys who are flirtatious, which is fun, but then it becomes overtly sexual, which feels icky.
    For instance, a guy says he’s interested but I’m so far away. I tel him sometimes it’s worth the drive to have the adventure. and then he responds, “what will I get when I make that long drive?” How to curtsy out of that back into dating without cutting him off? I responded with, “a first date, a walk, a museum, a meal, what do you think?”

  197.  #197Flipper on May 12, 2009 at 3:49 pm

    I get the feeling that a lot of the chatting is Just Chatting, no ? – guys killing time at work or multi-tasking à la masculine – how many can they juggle at once and/or while doing whatever it is they really have/want to do. Yuck – maybe that’s where some of the off feeling comes from. Who wants to be in that kind of rotation? Also, if they’re not coming through, could be married guys just out for ‘innocent’ ego-stroking at no cost (to them). So if we’re feeling bad about it, no point in making it worse with “maybe I shoulds” or “why doesn’t he….? Robin, I’d stick with your feel-good strategies and indulge in your hobbies to your heart’s content. If there’s any dropping to do, I’d choose letting go of exhausting no-gos. Remember, we don’t want a man who won’t call or for whom we have rearrange our life just to share his idle chitchat.

  198.  #198Flipper on May 12, 2009 at 5:06 pm

    Linda, when you get the ‘so far away’ line, what about just agreeing with him, ‘Yes, I suppose it’s far’ or ‘Yes, it feels far’, then Stop. If I could try not to convince him or offer a carrot to ‘help’ him see why he should make the effort, maybe I’d avoid his bargaining game (what will I get?/sexual innuendo) and then feeling manoeuvred into leaning forward to give acceptable suggestions to counter him.

  199.  #199Linda G on May 12, 2009 at 7:01 pm

    Flipper, you are totally spot on again! Thank you!
    The funniest thing just happened. I got a first phone call from a guy I met on match. Only his nuimber came up as already being in my phones contact list. I’d met him before! And he has no idea! I should have probably said so, but you know, he sounds so much more polished this time around. I guess he’s had practice circular dating, too!

    Oh! and then I get an email from the guy who canceled several times due to illness, the one Rori added a post about when a guy says no. (he must have seen I saw his profile as it came up in my matches) This time, he said his dad passed, and he was only window shopping on match, would I still be interested in getting together?!
    I said I felt horribly sorry about his dad, and that it would feel good to meet him still.

    I have had an exhausting dating day!

  200.  #200Daria on May 12, 2009 at 10:47 pm

    Omgosh Linda and Flipper…

    Right after Flipper’s comment to Linda, about the guy trying to maneuver her into leaning forward…

    I was reading some guy’s dating sites and that Is Just What they say to do to “amplify the attraction…”that is get the girl to Qualify herself to you, and verbally lure HER into telling YOU why you guys should be totgether, etc…

    So it’s just kind of a verbal “technique…” for fun getting girls subconcious attention… I don’t know if the guy you were talking to actually did it That way,,, but now that I think about it a lot of guys I know would use that Flirting technique naturally…

    So in conclusion… I second Flipper… definitely he KNOWS why he should come see you… He’s the One Approaching You!

  201.  #201Robin on May 13, 2009 at 12:28 pm

    I’ve heard that before…the men’s seduction community really pushes for the men do let the woman row the boat in many ways-“how to get a woman to chase you”, “how to not have to pay on dates”, etc…

    I always wonder, so what now? the woman leans back and the man does too. Now (I haven’t in the past) I would say that’s my cue to walk away…

    Flipper, I also get the feeling that some men are bored…I’ve even gotten emails saying “hi, got bored, saw your profile, wanna chat?” Im kinda like, NO!, but Im like, Well its an arrow, and I don;t want to dismiss him and shut down. I think Im gonna try to say something nice, per the ‘script’ for the 1 st email, but after that just go “look I feel flattered but I feel sorta put-off hearing from someone who says they’re ‘bored.’ It doesn’t feel like we’re on the same page/wavelength” Or maybe just go straight into it…What do you ladies thing?

    I’ve been bouncing between feeling sorrow because of al that’s happened it the past, and feeling happy b/c my past is part of who I am and part of the process….

    I was asking myself ‘what should I do if Im faced with the same situation again at church, if he brings his gf upstairs to sit with him. Would it be better for me to just not care, or do I have to continually state how angry I am.’ I found something very profound inside and it is that he brings her up there, or allows her to be up there because he wants to….he may forget that it bothers me, or he may not care, but the sooner I can get to a place where I DONT CARE, I will be better off..

    I feel like he compares us as well…maybe, maybe not, but the bottom line is that continually getting angry feels like it is working against me, that I need to get to a place where I don’t care, don’t have to say anything, wjere I just don’t care one way or the other…

    I’ve been trying to figure out what would be best for me to do, and I just don’t feel like continually gettting angry about it will help me…just letting it go and not caring would be best…now, how do I do that lol?
    What do you ladies think??

    I also noticed I was doodling on my notepad at work, I signed my name and then drew a box around the signature, and I went ‘Whoa, I just put myself in a box”, so Im gonna really be aware of that, it felt so profound….

  202.  #202Daria on May 13, 2009 at 2:27 pm

    I’m feeling triggered because that guy who’s having a baby… who hasn’t called me….

    well my Godsister told me yesterday that I guess he now has the money to pay me back… but when she asked him has he called me he said No, I don’t talk to her anymore.

    I guess since I don’t call him.

    I feel disappointed betrayed and triggered.

  203.  #203Flipper on May 13, 2009 at 2:40 pm

    Robin, now that you’ve expressed your anger and felt (somewhat) heard, maybe you won’t feel it quite as much next time (like scaling down from rage towards annoyance?). Anyway, I doubt if you could just Make yourself ‘not care’, but if I started to Think ‘is he comparing us’ or ‘why is he still bringing her up here when he knows….’, I hope I could develop the reflex to lean back into myself to see just what I was feeling and get out of my head. Even without saying those feelings to anyone verbally, I feel my body language would probably mirror my feelings and convey the right message (‘I’m feeling bad about this situation but I’m taking care of myself, and will not pretend it’s ok or make nice by appearing friendly or unconcerned’).

    To bored guy ?: I feel flattered by your interest and I feel mine is not really piqued by boredom. I’d feel curious if you wanted to try again with something else.

  204.  #204Robin on May 13, 2009 at 2:43 pm

    Daria, I’m sorry to hear that-I can feel your disappointment, and I feel sad that you are feeling this…

    I feel triggered hearing about men that do things like this, I feel such empathy right now and anger at men who make women feel betrayed

  205.  #205Robin on May 13, 2009 at 2:50 pm

    Thank you Flipper! So you are saying that even if I don’t speak out loud, by just feeling my feelings and allowing them to be there, I can make progress?

    See I was thinking by not speaking out loud I would be doing just that-pretending it’s ok and/or making nice by appearing friendly or unconcerned, but it sounds like you can express this without ever speaking a word.

    I just always felt that not saying anything would be tolerating it, and would give him the message that he doesn’t have to worry about what I think, or that its ok, and that we are ‘friends’ How do you take care of yourself in a situation like this, where you can’t walk away/leave, and you don’t want to keep saying ‘I don’t like this'( even though I will if I feel bad…)

  206.  #206Daria on May 13, 2009 at 3:54 pm


    I would suggest that you Do keep saying “I don’t like this”

  207.  #207Linda G on May 13, 2009 at 5:01 pm

    Robin, I agree with Daria, I would continue to voice my feelings.

  208.  #208Linda G on May 13, 2009 at 5:04 pm

    Daria, that’s gotta feel so crappy. maybe it’s just as well you don’t speak with him anymore. There is nothing for you to gain there, plus I would imagine it would continue to trigger you. Sometimes you just have to do your best to let it go.

  209.  #209Linda G on May 13, 2009 at 5:05 pm

    Any man who would do his best to make a woman row the boat and chase him, is half a man and only wants something from us. These are not the types of men we want.

  210.  #210Daria on May 13, 2009 at 5:22 pm

    I am reading (skimming the preview on Google books)

    a Very Interesting book, recommended by Mama Gena…

    called Extended Massive Orgasm.

    The title of this felt very off putting to me, and so I didn’t look into it until right now.

    The authors teach how to have pleasure by putting our attention on the experience of each feeling, rather than trying to have a traditional orgasm.

    So far I have been very surprised to see how Amazingly insightful the beggining chapters are:

    Some of the insights:

    We can put attention on pleasurable zones, and seek to feel every feeling there… at any time… even right now sitting on this chair (this helped me “get” how to turn myself on… I was struggling with this)

    Teaching can be done as an exchange, from equal to equal, or from one level above to one level below… teaching someone 2 levels below will feel very challenging… teaching someone 3 levels below is likely to make them angry… they may apply the knowledge later on… but will likely reject it in the moment…

    teaching people 3 or more levels below us (in consciousness) is dangerous:: examples given: Jesus, Ghandi, Martin Luther King

    I felt very interested in this insight.

    Next insight and the one actually pertaining to my situation:

    Men naturally want to please a woman. They may not know what a woman wants (as completely obvious and common sensical as it may be to us…) and as women we need to use communication to clearly tell him what we want and don’t…

    even if at first he may not seem receptive, Men cannot help but want to please women.

    This finally sank in.

    And what is sinking in is that on a subconscious level, even men that seem to me to be treating me badly are actually wanting to please me. That means I can be clear about what I want and don’t and, no matter waht his initial reaction… can expect to receive this later on.

    I can really ‘get’ this now. I can see how his treating me badly he may on a subconcious level be trying to please me… perhaps a part of him thinks this is what I want to feel excited/attracted… after all I haven’t been “clear” in my vibe with him…

    I feel like what I’m saying is getting lost… I feel really surprised about the insights about men and women in this book… and I would really recommend it.

  211.  #211Rori Raye on May 13, 2009 at 6:45 pm

    Yes, this is a great book – Tinque recommended it to me, I have it. It works perfectly with all the Tools you get from me, and anything else you can think up that works! Rori

  212.  #212Ann on May 13, 2009 at 7:13 pm

    Daria please share some more insights you have from the book. I feel interested in what you’re saying.

    Also I HAVE to tell everyone something. I KNOW in my heart that we never know when we say something here when, if or how it will help someone here….

    BUT I recalled something Daria or Linmayu said(not even sure which post it was or for sure which one said this but it helped me TREMONDOUSLY early Tues. morning)

    I was praying early Tues. morning for God to please help hubby come through surgery ok, for everyone to a safe trip there and back, for each of us to do what we needed to do to help each other and for me to stay calm not become anxiety ridden. I definately believe in God and the power of prayer BUT I also believe in angels and remember something you said in a comment.

    So I went back over each thing 1 at a time and repeated what I was asking for then said “Angels can you help me with that.” I want you to know between God and the angels I recieved everything I asked for. You’d have to know me personally to know how amazing it was for me to be at a hospital for 12 hours and not be anxious.

    I’ve already thanked God and the angels and wanted to say thank you Daria/Linmayu for sharing that.

    My point is ladies please share how you focus on you, help yourself, you may never know but it’s highly likely to help someone else.

  213.  #213Robin on May 13, 2009 at 8:12 pm

    Ann, I feel so happy to hear that you hubby’s surgery went well and that you felt peaceful at the hospital!

    Daria, I also feel interested in the book you are referring to-could you expand on the concept of how a man who treats you badly is still trying to please you? I’m having trouble wrapping my head around that one and would love to understand…

    Daria and Linda G., Thank you for listening, I hope I don’t have to again, but somehow I don’t feel confident in saying that-I have a feeling that it will happen again-if I really didn’t care, then I guess it wouldn’t matter, and wouldn’t have to say anything.

    Rori, I know you mentioned that asking him to not allow her upstairs was not the best option, but is saying “I don’t like this” or “I feel angry”, “I feel unheard”. or “I feel uncomfortable” gonna feel like the same thing to him? Is it the same thing? Will he take away the same message, as if I HAD asked him to not bring her upstairs?

    One of these days I won’t care….

  214.  #214Robin on May 13, 2009 at 8:31 pm

    I had another profound revelation today-Yay!

    I realized that I am hesitant to speak my truth out of fear of rejection-I don’t want to rock the boat, cause conflict, because I’m afraid the other person will walk away from me and abandon me, or drop out of my life.

    This makes sense-my dad committed suicide when I was in high school, my mom kicked me out after that, completely erased me from her life, wanted nothing to do with me, tried to have me put in jail, a psych hospital (those things didn’t work), my best friend of 13 years this past January told me she didn’t want to talk to me for the rest of the year, just threw our 13 years out the window, I’ve had this happen more than once, and it amazes me that people can do this, and Im like , wow no wonder I feel afraid to speak up sometimes, no wonder I became a doormat in the past, but nevertheless, I feel afraid that people will abandon me-definitely a big part of why I get tense when a guy does something I don’t like, or I feel like keeping quite rather than saying “this feels bad”; I’m afraid they’re gonna walk…like guy A on the date, when I spoke up, he stormed off…

    Im starting to see that its ok if people walk away…If I really see what happened, I can say Im still standing here, stronger than before, so if I’ve slayed bigger dragons, I know Im gonna be fine, I know Im not gonna abandon myself, and its really nothing if I really think about it, if a guy walks away who’s not doing the job… that means I get to say whatever Im feeling without fear of being judged or rejected,no matter who Im talking to….

  215.  #215Daria on May 13, 2009 at 9:29 pm

    Robin I’m so with you. I had a huge cry last week with the EFT therapist because I was telling him I don’t want to leave people behind…

    and he said… ok tap on this : “I’m always left behind”

    OMG Did that hit a nerve. I cried and cried. I feel like I healed some of it.

    That’s what’s hiding behind my fear of “lost love” songs,
    and why I don’t want anyone to leave out my life. I am starting to depend on me and relax around this too.

    Rori –

    I feel so glad Tinque recommended this book to you… I remember her saying how she was having super great orgasms now and I thought of her when I was reading the book… no wonder…

    Ann –
    YAY! I’m so happy the Angels worked for you. They still work for me too… Amazingly and consistently. I do believe they kept me alive when I asked them to in my passing out episode yesterday.

    Robin… the Idea that I “got” was that a man wants to please a woman, but doesn’t necessarily Get what she wants.

    What crossed my mind was for example, when I was younger and I would say something sarcastic to a guy. Or if he said he liked something a part of me would say DO the exact opposite… because he really likes the exact opposite. A guy could be doing the same thing! He may not want to take me out… because he may on some level think I want him not to, maybe he thinks he’ll look like a “puppydog” if he does, and he knows women don’t like puppydogs.

    So this is what I was referring to when saying a man who treats me bad wants to please me. Also he may be respoding to what my “vibe” wants on a subconscious level.

    For example the guy not contacting me, maybe he is trying to please me by not doing that on some level, because he knows on some level I want to move on. Maybe my vibe is saying “I am stuck on you, I hate this, I hate you, I want to separate from you” and he’s subconciously responding by separating from me.

    Caution: Now the book and I say that this is not applying to emotionally disturbed abusive men. I think they are probably dealing with stuff inside themselves that is preventing them from feeling and reacting to Real ‘vibes.’

    So like Mama Gena says, if a man left us, it’s because we didn’t want him on some level, or he was badly “trained” meaning he had his own issues, or we weren’t ready to “train” meaning not in touch with ourselves.

    Here’s a link to the preview of the book on google books…it’s what i’m reading right now before I buy it… i feel a lil embarassed in case my parents open it hehe…,M1

  216.  #216Daria on May 13, 2009 at 9:52 pm

    Here’s another gem from the book:

    “Guilt arises when we do something according to one viewpoint we hold, but later we judge ourselves according to another viewpoint we hold.”

    The authors also talk how we often hold different especially conflicting viewpointss on the same thing.

    For example… it’s better to be the turtle than the hare,

    but also “he who hesistates is lost”

    They say it’s easy for the mind to hold conflicting viewpoints, it’s when viewpoints are similar but not quite the same that the mind anguishes and brings up confusion and anxiety.

    I feel really motivated to buy this book and I think I will do so tonite.

  217.  #217Daria on May 13, 2009 at 10:02 pm

    I gave you guys a link that leaves a lot of pages out… there are other google previews that include more pages I believe.

  218.  #218Daria on May 13, 2009 at 11:54 pm

    Never mind… that’s pretty much all the pages in the preview.

  219.  #219Flipper on May 14, 2009 at 8:57 am

    Robin, didn’t mean to leave you hanging, but the time difference means I didn’t see your posts till now. Yes, I meant that as you cannot physically walk away, by withdrawing into your feelings, it will feel to others as if you’d stepped away. Concentrating so much on yourself, you would probably naturally not feel like interacting with him as if nothing was wrong – to defend yourself if he shows irritation, to banter like chums, to be drawn into sending any of your precious energy his way. In this type of situation where you are not in a relationship, if I’d already spoken my feelings, I wouldn’t want to have to confront him all over again about the same thing. He will feel your ‘unwilling to cooperate other than professionally’ vibe. In other words, if I was not feeling like repeating myself, I would not lean forward in any way to rise to his bait, but concentrate on feeling ‘stepped away’ inside myself. If and when he initiated a direct challenge about my behavior or attitude, the I’d be willing to say ‘I feel very uncomfortable in this situation, as I already told you’.

    If I understand Rori correctly, it’s feeling our feelings that leads to their expression, through words but also body language (when circumstances make words too problematic to say (work situation, in front of a third party), and expressing them is what carries the message far better than a direct request for someting.

    I feel much empathy with your history. Though mine is quite different it has led me to similar results: I know I set myself for disappointment by Expecting to be only marginally accepted, rejected or abandonned from one day to the next. Knowing this is an old defense mechanism, that may have served me well to cushion the blows but is no longer useful, helps me a little but it’s not enough to turn things around. So I’m here, like you, trying to get beyond the fear, and soar. I was at a Soul concert Sun with a big star, and then a small, nothing special to look at, prolly middled-aged woman came on for a number or 2, with a really loud, raucous, no holds-barred, about as unfeminine- sounding voice as you can imagine. Her energy almost bowled us over. And the guy friend with me said, to my utter astonishment – “Wow, that woman is fabulous, amazing – I can feel her so much!!!!!” He was beside himself with attraction! I got all zinged up for a few days, too – lol.

  220.  #220Robin on May 14, 2009 at 8:13 pm

    Flipper, thank you!

    I practice on my boss today, and I’ve never stood up to him before EVER. I asked him a question this morning and he says ‘how long have you worked here?’ I said, ‘well, I just wanted your opinion…” I felt really pissed…I asked a completely legitimate question and so not too long after this he asked me if anything was wrong, so I said, “I’m feeling really angry.” He asked me about what and I said ‘I asked you that question earlier, and now I just feel so angry.” He said ‘It was a bogus question ‘Oh you’re mad at me b/c I think you’re question was bogus?’ I stood there, grounded myself, leaned back and said “yes” Well he laughed and said ‘I can live with that…’ And so I felt even angrier, and hurt underneath my anger after hearing that…It was like it was a joke, but I feel proud that I stood my ground, and now I know

  221.  #221Daria on May 14, 2009 at 9:44 pm

    Robin… your boss sounds a little like my dad.

    Don’t be surprised… if he doesn’t Start Being Nice to You.

    yes in the moment he didn’t give you what you wanted… But I bet he was affected…

    now he will come back and try to make it up…

    let me know what happens…

    I feel very interested.

  222.  #222Daria on May 14, 2009 at 9:46 pm

    BTW great job expressing your feelings and Being Surprised…

    sometimes not getting what we want in the moment isn’t the end of it…

    our bravery and strength will still “work” in the long run…

  223.  #223Robin on May 15, 2009 at 10:30 am

    Thank you Daria!

    Its interesting…some men are never gonna be sensitive to your feelings or needs, but I just learned that you won’t know that until you actually DO speak up…that lesson was worth having to feel pissed yesterday…

    Also, anyone have some good ideas about how to respond when a guy emails ‘how are you? want to have fun?’ I don’t want to assume anything, but this feels like a red flag to me, maybe only out for a fling…maybe “I like XYZ and you like to have fun…Im intrigued” ??

  224.  #224Flipper on May 15, 2009 at 1:15 pm

    Good for you, Robin! And I bet Daria’s right.

  225.  #225Ann on May 15, 2009 at 3:36 pm

    Robin I wanted to tell you it felt good to read how you spoke your truth from your heart to your boss. I also think Daria is right.

    As far as what to say about guys who email ” how are you? want to have fun?’ How about ” I’m fine thank you. Good old fashion(notice my wording) fun sounds nice. What did you have in mind? If he responds inappropiately then speak your truth about how you feel.


    Flipper you and I think alot alike.

  226.  #226Flipper on May 16, 2009 at 2:33 pm

    Ann, I feel that as a very deep compliment. Thank you. I hope things are still going well, and that you are starting to feel restored.

  227.  #227Ann on May 16, 2009 at 2:48 pm

    Hi Flipper I’m still on the tired side but I know that’s from having so many things on my mind. Hubby is still doing well he’s been up walking however he still has 1 thing to do before they will start him on a liquid diet. I’m studying about TAT energy healing. Daria shared the website. I’m a big believer in self help and know I’m at a low place at the moment so can use all the help I can get. I realy do feel they’re are some amazing ladies here.

  228.  #228Robin on May 16, 2009 at 3:55 pm

    OMG I feel CRAPPY-I just finished crying my eyes out…

    I felt very tense on my way to church-I just felt totally wound up and tense-I practiced sinking down and felt a little better-but my ‘ex’ (imaginary relationship), who I work with at church and who I spoke to last week-brought his gf upstairs again-I’ve already spoke twice to him about it, 1st time “I feel bad, I feel really uncomfortable”, 2nd time, ‘I feel angry, I already mentioned that this feels weird, and now I feel unheard, and that makes me feel angry…’

    I could feel myself feeling angry and sad and unheard- and I started to sink into the feeling and looking for a feeling that would tell me how to react, whether to speak or whether to just back away and focus on me-

    I just completely stopped and tried to feel my feeling to get an idea of how to react

    Well I started feeling a little better, felt warm and gooey focusing on what I was singing, but then felt tense again during the sermon, so I walked downstairs-I didn’t want to be there-I don’t know what to do 🙁 I don’t want to watch her putting her arm around him and putting her head on his shoulder with me sitting 10 ft away…

    So I came back upstairs after the sermon and REALLY started sinking into the feelings-well the feeling turned into a radiating warmth through my core and it felt really good-I could feel myself melting and relaxing inside-so Im standing there singing and melting, and feeling a million things at once-I felt taken advantage of and sad and angry,unheard, I felt warm, good, I felt gooey, like throwing up, I felt like crying, I felt like leaving…-all while his gf is sitting 2 ft from him while he plays the piano-

    So as soon as service was over, I walked out-I didn’t want to say something in front of her, it felt weird, but I don’t know how to handle this, I may request to sing downstairs, because I have the feeling that my ‘ex’ doesn’t take me seriously, I feel like he doesn’t think I’m serious about how much this makes me feel belittled

    Im not sure whether it would be best to practice my tools and get to a place where I don’t care, practice my tools and just say something EVERY time she comes upstairs (and watch him become pissed off, and say Im making a big stink )or whether I should say ‘I can’t do this, I feel unheard and weird, and I feel like singing downstairs..Im gonna sing downstairs…

    I feel like saying something tomorrow about all the things I felt-I don’t know-he said once that I only feel bad about things b/c I have feelings for him and that I was expecting something to develop between us and that he never felt that way, so I don’t want him to say this again, I don’t want to hear that, and I feel torn about what to do, how to handle this, and guily too…I don’t want to create drama, and I feel afraid that saying “I don’t like this”, I feel uncomfortable..” will make him see me as a making drama….

    Oh, I feel crappy..I will probably say something tomorrow to him, but I don’t know…I can feel myself shutting down to him, and yet I feel completely open and warm and gooey….

    I also feel like crying….

  229.  #229Linda G on May 16, 2009 at 6:58 pm

    Isn’t there someone in charge of this job site you can speak with? I would think her presence would be considered unprofessional.
    I believe you have spoken your truth and feelings to your ex and now it’s time to tell your boss how you feel about your coworker bringing in friends to the job.
    Time for self preservation, in my opinion. Spelling out your boundaries to all involved.
    what do you think?

  230.  #230Daria on May 16, 2009 at 11:42 pm

    Robin –

    “he said once that I only feel bad about things b/c I have feelings for him and that I was expecting something to develop between us and that he never felt that way, so I don’t want him to say this again, I don’t want to hear that, and I feel torn about what to do, how to handle this, and guily too…I don’t want to create drama, and I feel afraid that saying “I don’t like this”, I feel uncomfortable..” will make him see me as a making drama…”

    My ‘ex’ said stuff like this too, about drama etc… i think it’s a kind of manipulation.

    And yes it feels bad to hear him say it again… but Maybe that’s because we haven’t really Embraced that feeling yet ( I don’t think I have embraced mine).

    The truth is he Did say it and that’s what’s going on. So I feel a lot of healing could happen by going to embrace these feelings? May be a difficult thing to embrace… we can try…

    Also I would request to sing downstairs… don’t torture yourself.

    And DON”T FALL FOR THE “you’re creating drama” MANIPULATION.

    That is BS… and when we have our “Diva” going on … we won’t fall for it!

    Here’s what my Diva says:

    I hear you saying you didn’t have those feelings, and I DID have feeelings and I still feel strongly about this. I do NOT want to tolerate being in the same room with you and her… and I’m feeling VERY ANGRY about this already happening… What do you think we should do?

    That’s what my Diva side woudl say… and She feels Pist Off!

  231.  #231Daria on May 16, 2009 at 11:43 pm

    PS – although it may seem like it now… him saying he didn’t have feelings for you again, even if he said it 1000 times… is NOT GOING TO BREAK YOU… you are a Goddess… yes it will feel awful… and yes you can embrace that… and yes you don’t have to tolerate what you don’t want to.

  232.  #232Flipper on May 17, 2009 at 1:49 pm

    Robin, I’m with Daria on this – was gonna write something similar to her Diva speech. Even though what he said shows he was perceptive enough to realize what this is about (that you had feelings for him), he obviously doesn’t really ‘get’ what that means, and it makes him sound like a boy. They are not “just” feelings, as if they were irrelevant. Those feelings are the whole point of being with someone, and are certainly of prime importance to You. I felt really triggered by his belittling of your feelings as that kind of remark had unfortunately shaped my whole understanding of feelings and self worth(“you’re ‘only’ feeling sorry for yourself” i.e. that’s bad and I didn’t count anyway)

    I felt you did marvelously in such a challenging situation. Yes, you felt crappy as hell and worse, but you got into it and then out again, and now I can feel those feelings both morphing into anger that will power you through further interactions with this cad and help you feel a little less attachment for him. Hugs, Powerful Siren.

  233.  #233Robin on May 17, 2009 at 2:16 pm

    Daria and Flipper-Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!!!!!!!;)
    I love the Diva speech and also I love hearing how what he says indicates that he sees my feelings as irrelevant- and the funny thing is he doesn’t have me as ‘sewn-up’ as he thinks…I’ve been starting to feel myself simply not CARE what he does because its sub-standard to how I want to be treated….

    I’m toggling back and forth right now-today, she didn’t come, and I was feeling tense and wondering ‘should I say something?’ and started sinking into the feeling, and I started feeling really REALLY GOOD, and I felt warm and tingly and smiley, and gooey, I practiced the ‘Rag Doll’ tool and melting and I was feeling so good that I didn’t feel the need to say anything about it-I was looking straight ahead and centering in on what was right in front of me and I noticed him looking my way, and I just kept focusing on me…..

  234.  #234Ann on May 17, 2009 at 4:55 pm

    YAY ROBIN you’re doing great at taking care of you first. And Ms. siren Daria and Ms. siren Flipper gave you some great advice. You go girl.

  235.  #235Ann on May 17, 2009 at 6:13 pm

    A little piece from Rori’s newletter today:

    And the only way to make my feelings legitimate
    was to become fully involved in a “relationship.”

    And the moment I felt the pull to make that
    happen – two other things happened:

    One, my energy around having to have a
    “relationship” to go with my attraction to a man
    put pressure on him and PUSHED HIM AWAY.

    And two, I lost myself.

    I forgot who I was, I stopped being on my own
    side, I stopped standing up for myself, I put the
    MAN ahead of me and worried more about what HE was
    thinking and feeling than I cared for what I was
    thinking and feeling.

    I’m thankul to be in the process of finding my complete self with all you other sirens.

  236.  #236Rori Raye on May 18, 2009 at 12:55 pm

    Robin…as a former singer in bands and actor on stages in theater companies, where I was ALWAYS around exes and currents and crushes…I know how you feel. And you’ve got to get out of there. Go up to sing, and then sing and then get out of there. If you can move your actual professional location downstairs – do it. And if you can move to another church, even better, because perhaps what this is all about – getting you professionally some other place. This kind of thing will happen your whole life if you date men you work with…I know the craziness that happens when you’re in such a small world. Go out and date – when you can bring your own new date with you to church – someone you met somewhere else entirely – you’ll feel so much better. Love, Rori

  237.  #237Robin on May 18, 2009 at 2:29 pm

    Rori, Thank you!!!! Inkow you know how this feels and I feel so much better hearing what you have to say…

    If you were back in those situations knowing what you know now, how would you handle them???

    I am seriously considering leaving altogether, but want to try singing downstairs 1st..and would feel best about just having someone else with me at church who I like…

    When I bring someone with me, I will feel better about it, yes, and this day is coming very very soon….

  238.  #238Robin on May 18, 2009 at 4:45 pm

    Ok, so can we answer their questions on the 1st email, or should we stick to the script, 3 lines??

    Im curious as to how others are handling this..I will get an email from someone with a question about something I do, study, like, etc…

    What do you ladies think?

  239.  #239Daria on May 24, 2009 at 11:06 pm

    Robin I would totallly answer him.. in feeling messages if I could… if not then I would answer and still sneak in a feeling message about something else

  240.  #240Robin on May 27, 2009 at 11:07 am


    Ok I’m feeling confused about this one…

    I was listening to the section in Targeting about how we get mad at a man for wanting to sleep with us if we’re not sleeping with any man….

    And I’m trying to wrap my head around how it simply doesn’t matter what he wants…

    So does that mean we drop what he wants out of the equation completely??? What if we sense his energy is coming at us to get something from us( eg. sex or whatever we will allow physically..)? Or we’re at least worried that that is what is happening, that he is trying to GET something FROM us? If this is what is happening, do we stop dating him, or do we continue to see him and just not care that he wants something from us, because it doesn’t matter????

    How do you get these two concepts to exist harmoniously?

  241.  #241Robin on May 27, 2009 at 9:58 pm

    Thank you Daria-Im definitely gonna continue with the feeling messages…

    I get a lot of ‘are you free tonight? where do you sing? so you like walking, sailing, coffee, etc?’, and Im wondering if you answer those after the first initial email of I like ABC, and you like XYZ, Im intrigued. Just curious, I didn’t think of it til recently, and just wondering how others do this…

  242.  #242Daria on May 27, 2009 at 10:18 pm

    Robin I do answer those…

    what do you like?

    it feels good dancing… and i spend a lot of time at the computer even though it feels boring sometimes… and I feel really good going out with friends and laughing and stuff

    are you free tonite?

    yeah i dont have any plans… im feeling pretty good

    where do you dance?

    at the gym i have classes soemtimes… it feels fun

    BTW about the guy who wants stuff –

    I really felt very interested about that part. I noticed that when I stopped worrying that he wants something and got all into thinking “he’s trying to please me, he’s sending an arrow…” I was even appreciating the guys who I felt were “just” trying to sleep with me… They’re trying to sleep with me because I’m a Goddess and this is how they know to worship me… So I can ask for waht I want and say what I don’t want and what doesn’t feel comfortable

    Also when I Started embracing my own desire for sex and feeling turned on, lately I have been experimenting with being much more open sexually and basically fliriting suggestively… and THEN even though maybe i spent hours on the phone doing this… the next day I may feel uncomfortable so I can say… I’m feeling uncomfortable talking about sex so fast, it feels too fast paced for me right now I’m feeling overwhelmed…
    and then (in this case) the guy was like oh… I don’t want u to get scared… I understand…etc

    Some guys I felt were trying to get something from me and I didn’t really want to judge him, I thought well he wants this and that’s ok, just like I want what I want, but that doesn’t mean I have to give this to him in any way… I can just relax…

  243.  #243Robin on June 2, 2009 at 1:26 pm

    THANK YOU DARIA!!!!!! I actually remembered what you said about men trying to get things from us last night talking to the 5 hr, guy lol, I was like yea Daria mentioned this, so Im gonna try going with that and see how it feels…

    Well we emailed back and forth for the past week, I totally went against my ‘rules’ in some ways, but it was ok b/c I felt good about it, and didn’t care about the outcome..I replied back to him and he seemed to be totally turning into a girl…lol, like ‘it would feel so good to know you more deeply, hear you sing…take you dancing’, And yeah, it felt good reading that, but I was like why isn’t he stepping up? I told him it would feel good to see him again, but I didn’t know if my schedule was gonna allow me to visit him, but that it would feel good to know him more deeply’ And finally (I can’t believe I said this…) I told him it would feel good to talk on the phone and invited him to call me (!?-hope that’s ok lol:)) Well he told me to call him, that he had been waiting for a phone call from me for a week. He then sent me a text to please call him, but he called first haha..

    Well by now Im like whatever dude, if you don’t wanna step up, thats just unfortunate…but it DID feel good to hear his voice and we talked, and said he thought I was ok with pursuing him as equally as he does with me, and I told him NOOO, Im a girl, I LOVE being a girl, and I don’t want to feel like a man, so I don’t want to take on the role of the man…I told him I want to be pursued, I don’t want to pursue men, so I don’t feel good calling men, driving to men, chasing men, etc, etc…Im old-fashioned and it just feels better to be pursued…I can’t drive to you at this time, but it would feel good to see you again.’

    Well he’s like “oh, I didn’t know that, I want to pursue you, let me see what I can do about seeing you again…’

    And yay I was thinking whats the message too, and I talked later than I meant to, and Im not gonna allow it again, but I didn’t have to get up this morning for work, and he did, but we were talking and the convo was just flowing and we talked for a couple of hours-way into the morning hours, so I can’t do that again, b/c Im in bed by 11pm usually…..

    But he said something about women and the chemical make up of women that makes them more susceptible to pregnancy, and how you can tell this by their shape (wtf!? really??) I this hit me like wow, how profound, maybe that’s my message lol-but it actually resonated very profoundly with me, so Im glad he said that…

    He also said women get angry when men want to have sex (omg and Rori mentioned this, and I JUST got over being angry at men for wanting sex), but that sometimes men just can’t help but want to have sex with a particular woman..

    and Daria, I thought about your last message where you said they recognize us as goddesses and its like yeah you want what you want and thats cool, but I don’t have to give it to you, so I can just relax and enjoy the moment, and I totally got to do that…

    So I feel happy, we cleared up some things, I told him what I don’t want and what feels good to me, so there’s no room for confusion, I was totally up front, waterwheel back to him, the balls in his court, its up to him to step up, open the gift…

    It feels so funny…I did all kinds of things that I would have analyzed to death a few months back, and felt uptight about, but I did them, I feel totally relaxed and confident and I actually don’t care what the outcome is for all of this…hmmm…

  244.  #244Robin on June 2, 2009 at 2:01 pm

    Ok, one other thing about the talk with the 5 hr guy …

    He mentioned to me last night how when hes seeing a girl, he stops dating other women, and will not even consider dating other women while he is in a relationship b/c you have to be respectful of your partner’s feelings, and that since we are dating, he is always going to treat me with respect, and not date other women or even consider it..

    And of course, Im like ‘does he think we’re in a relationship?’ Ive touched on the no girlfriend speech with him a couple of times, and mentioned it again last night…

    Ok, and I got into a heated discussion with my sister via text, about this and about circular dating, I triggered her somehow, and I noticed when I felt triggered by her words, and was like ‘ok I feel triggered, and thats ok b/c what she said isn’t necessarily how its gonna be b/c she’s triggered to,I triggered her somehow…’

    I told her that I don’t want to be a gf and that I want to be pursued and that he knows that, well, She told me to leave him alone b/c he wants something serious and I don’t, and told her I want something serious, but I want to be a wife and not a gf,…well she said you can’t magically become a wife, you have to be a gf first, its illogical to think that you go from dating many people to suddenly becoming the wife of one and severing ties with the rest, that Im going about this the wrong way, b/c doing what I am doing is gonna leave me lonely, and that if I keep dating a bunch of guys that they are gonna think that I don’t wanna commit. I told her I don’t want the gf thing to drag on for years, that I want to avoid that…She told me she suggests that I date 1 guy at a time so that when I like them I can get serious and to only date people with the qualities that I want in a mate…

    Well I agree with the last part, but I just don’t see how dating one guy at a time even works, and if I wanna wait on sex, then what does that do for being a gf, isn’t that pretty much expected when you’re a gf, so that makes no sense to me

    I could feel myself being triggered reading her texts, and when I caught it I said, well I see what you’re saying, so what do you suggest? b/c its not like I have to DO what she suggests, but I could tell I triggered her and I really wanted to know what she thinks it the best approach…

    And its interesting b/c the guy last night said something to me that made me go, Yep Rori mentioned that men ASSUME we are dating other men, he said that I was totally transparent from the moment he met me, he could see who I was from the first moment we met, and to be careful b/c people could try to take advantage of that…

    So that made me think he meant men, and I went, ok so he assumes that Im talking to and dating other men, and Oh I can’t tell you how fabulous it felt to hear that he found me transparent, that makes me feel like Im being authentic and showing my REAL SELF from the very beginning….

    That felt fantastic to hear…

    And I’d love to hear others’ feelings on my sisters’ words, it felt so weird texting her, b/c I could really feel her anger/frustration, I was pissing her off somehow…

  245.  #245DocK on June 3, 2009 at 10:42 am

    Hey Robin

    I can understand why you would feel triggered by this. A lot of people – men and women – don’t understand the whole circular dating thing, especially when they haven’t been exposed to the programs and go through the “timeline” scenario that Rori talks about.

    We are so accustomed to the exclusivity thing – myself included – that it is hard to feel comfortable with this concept. That is why I feel comfortable that we get to choose how we circular date – whether it is, in fact, outright dating numerous men, or being exlusive with one guy sexually but dating others or just flirting. It is more the feeling within ourselves of opportunity and options and the vibe we feel and send out.

    I bet she just feels confused and protective of you. Like many people that don’t understand it fully, she fears you will “ruin a good thing” as many people might say.

  246.  #246Robin on June 7, 2009 at 6:01 pm

    Doc K,

    Wow, thank you. I had not thought of it that way. That makes sense. I feel better about it….

  247.  #247moomy on June 13, 2009 at 9:03 pm

    I’ve had 4 dates with a guy I’m attracted to and who himself is doing circular dating. I am doing it also (having listened to The CD program, targeting Mr right), but he’s the only guy I can get to ask me on dates so far…And that is not too often(because he’s circular dating and is super busy with it…) One other guy seemed nice but like he was going to have a heart attack right then and there. He didn’t call me after the first date. The other 2 or 3 (generated from a personal ad–I’m a single 52 yr old working parent and NEVER meet single men in the northeastern snobby city in which all the good guys seem to be taken), well, they all outright rejected me. Said things like , “You’re great, the conversation flowed, I’m attracted to you, you’re sexy, but I don’t want to pursue a romantic relationship with you.”

    So how can I get more guys in this circular dating venue? In the meantime, I am playing tennis with guys with girlfriends, just to be around males and to be actively engaged in something enjoyable with them. Any comments?

  248.  #248Rori Raye on June 14, 2009 at 11:06 am

    Moomy, welcome – there’s a lot here that will help you. if you can – make sure you have the ebook to understand the basics of how to RELATE to all these new men, and if you can get Modern Siren – that will help you tremendously. Once you get in front of men, you need the Tools to DRAW THEM IN. I know you can do this. Just follow along here, and we’ll open you up so that you are NEVER in a situation where you could remotely feel “rejected.” If you are being rejected – then you are initiating…and stopping that is one of the first things we’ll help you do. Love, Rori

  249.  #249Robin on June 14, 2009 at 6:36 pm

    At what point can we sweetly and authentically tell a guy we dont feel good about going out with them (turning down a date)??

    Is it when the quality of men improves so that we dont have to? Or can we do it earlier?

  250.  #250Robin on June 14, 2009 at 6:49 pm

    Ok, Im confused about something in today’s eletter

    “We will feel confused by his behavior when he tells us he adores us, but doesn’t call us for several days in a row.”

    I get that words feel empty w/o actions to back it up..

    And that circular dating helps you keep centered when this sort of thing happens..

    But is it just that w/o actions, he’s not stepping up, rowing the boat, etc, and not giving us what we want, so move on, next!!…

    Is that how we need to look at this??

  251.  #251Rori Raye on June 15, 2009 at 9:22 am

    Robin – if you don’t want to kiss him after a few dates – let him go…and if you don’t feel good around him, and you’re sure the lesson he’s brought has been processed by you …let him go. Love, Rori

  252.  #252Flipper on June 15, 2009 at 1:07 pm

    Moomy, I can feel how awful and confused you feel hearing “You’re fabulous, but I don’t want you”. I mean, how does one process such a horrid, contradictory statement? But in fact, I feel it can be both honest and kind – here’s my take:

    I’m close to your age and have many friends out there dating who share their experiences with me, and they get this all the time, too, as have I. I think that in our demographic there are lot of married men out there trying their luck. (I know this to be the case in the culture where I live and it may apply elsewhere.) These guys still seem to feel this is ‘normal’ for men, and they have the means to indulge themselves. Of course, there are cheaters of all ages everywhere, but I see a real difference in the degree of personal commitment in the younger married men (probably in large part because their wives are much more likely to walk if they fool around).

    So when I hear this, I try not to take it too personally: the message could very well be that he does find me wonderful, but realizes I deserve a great man and am looking for a romantic relationship (so much for the “kindness”); but he is not in a position for nor does he desire a real relationship (so much for the ‘honesty’).

    The good news is that there really are some great, single, loving men out there and some of them have married others of my friends recently.

  253.  #253moomy on June 15, 2009 at 2:18 pm

    thanks, Rori and thank you, Flipper! I am trying to get a #2 going and complete honesty seems to be working miracles. I will keep you posted.
    Rori, can I count coffee (or tennis) dates with males who I’m attracted to but are ‘taken’ as part of circular dting. they sure are little effort and big return, ie., they can smack the ball back every time. (BTW, I have ‘modern siren’ and a few other of your programs, but am listening to ‘targeting’ now.


  254.  #254Rori Raye on June 16, 2009 at 11:01 am

    Count every single interaction with ANYONE – man, woman or child where you are practicing a Tool that is Feeling based, expressive, experimental…and note the reaction you get. It’s harder with an attractive man who’s available – so build up your tolerance for that where you’re still practicing being a “girl.” Love, Rori

  255.  #255Sandy on June 19, 2009 at 8:54 am

    I’m glad I got the Targetting Mr. Right, because just a few weeks later, he came along…

    Habits are so hard to change. I have no interest in dating others. However, it helps and is very doable to be open to other men energetically, flirting and talking to them, instead of vibing out the “not available” energy. Even just this small detail has made a world of difference.

  256.  #256Robin on July 4, 2009 at 6:45 pm

    I feel sad and awful…I feel like I’ve just had a major setback…

    Some things came up on a ‘date’ and now I feel just awful. The guy who lives 5 hrs away, who had asked if he could stay with me, and I told him no, came anyway.

    He told me he was coming by and then would drive to another town to visit a friend the next morning. cool

    He gets to town, we had a great evening, its late, and he wants to go for a drive. I said ok, we’re driving and he starts pressuring me about sitting at my house to have some privacy…asking whats the big deal, why cant I see where you live, is there someone there, you need to trust me, I dont care what your place is like

    I feel so awful, I gave it, but said ok we can go back to my house, but we will have to sit outside, we cant go in (b/c I cleared out my storage unit, and I literally can’t MOVE in my apt right now), we get there, talk for a LONG TIME (I know), and he wants to go inside b/c its a hot night, I said no, he’s going on and on about how I need to trust him, that he doesnt care what it looks like, I still said not, so we sit in the car a talk some more and then start fooling around, and it starts getting to my stopping place, I said all kinds of feeling messages about how I didnt want to go further, but he wouldnt stop, I had to ask him 4 or 5 times and then forcefully removed his hand.

    Where the F#%$@* is my goddess?????????????

    And I didnt feel pissed the 1st time this happened (it happened more than once), and I feel awful that I didnt feel angry the 1st INSTANCE he didnt stop, one time I went to remove his hand, and he pinned me down and I couldnt move, and then I FELT SCARED…) And I STILL sat there with him, instead of just telling him to leave, and used feeling messages over and over and over, and hes like al youve been saying for the past 2 hrs is I, ME, I, ME

    Where the F#%$@* is my goddess?????????????
    What the F#%@^*&!!!

    OMG I feel so ANGRY AND awful WITH MYSELF for not standing up to this guy more forcefully….it was like I was just another person, I could seem to think, feel, my mind was jelly and yet I could find the right TONE for my feeling messages to be heard….this guy has PISSED ME OFF!!!!!!!!!!!

    I told him I want to wait…hes like good luck, Im like I dont NEED luck…




    Where the F#%$@* is my goddess?????????????

    By now its 7am, and hes like Ive been on the road for 15 hrs, and I dont want to drive the 3 hrs to see my friends and have an accident. Can I sleep for just a couple of hours?


    AND WTF do I do? I GIVE IN AGAIN!! And I let him F#$$^%ing sleep, but there was only my bed, so we’re in my bed and hes trying to mess around, and its getting more and more outta hand, some of it feels good, but when I started to feel bac I started stopping him, Im telling him I dont feel comfortable with this, hes pushing and pushing, I felt so damn tired I just rolled over, hes like youre gonna face away from me? I didnt way one word, I rolled over and went to sleep…

    We wake up a couple of hours later, and Im feeling so F@$#^%ing pissed, he wakes up and I said I feel furious, I feel like Im being pressured, I dont want to feel pressured…I dont want to go past a certain point if it doesnt feel good,

    Where the F#%$@* is my goddess?????????????
    What the F#%@^*&!!!

    He started arguing with me, I wouldnt argue back, and He apologized, and starts the same S#$@! again, so when it started feeling bad, I did the same thing, and I know I sounded like a broken record, but I kept saying it over and over and when I felt pissed, I would get firm in my tone (this is actually what happened the whole night-I felt like I was telling my 14 month old nephew to stop touching the cable remote…)

    Instead of just F$^$&ing kicking his damn ass out of my house!!!!!

    I feel so bad about how far it went, it wound up going WAY past my stopping point, and I feel like garbage, it felt good at times, but again, when it didnt, I said so, (and hes like you cant do that…well F%^& if I cant!)

    I mean it went WAY WAY WAY past my stopping point, he was totally naked, trying to get my pants off, pushing for oral, dry…

    I had no idea what to say to stop it…

    I feel sad too b/c I really liked this guy, and now I feel disappointed,

    I mean he was doing everything in his power to f@#& me, again some of the time it felt good and other times it didnt, and he was arguing with me when I wouldnt let him..

    where the F^@# is my goddess??????

    It finally got so outta hand I sat up and said I cant take
    anymore, and he said should I go, and I said yes, and he got dressed and left…

    HE offered to drive back to see me Sunday, and I said only if its in the middle od the day bc I cant have you over here again…

    When now I Feel like I should have said F&@%^& OFF!!!! ( or I dont feel comfortable seeing you again…)

    What a practice opportunity wasted!!!!!!!!!

    Why could I stand up for myself?????????
    Ive been doing so well, but this was just like overload and its almost like I shut down completely…
    And I feel guilty for enjoying the parts that felt good, bc its clear that this guy is not good for me
    Now I feel like giving up…

    Where the F@#$$% is my goddess?????????


  257.  #257Robin on July 17, 2009 at 3:47 pm

    Ok, can anyone help me on this…I was listening to Targeting and on cd6, track 1 or 2 , Rori talks about telling the difference between a man who wants to give TO you and a man who wants something FROM you, and It appears that she did a visual to demonstrate this…

    Can anybody explain what she does at this particular point of the program, maybe someone who has the dvd, as I feel confused about this part….???

  258.  #258Karen on September 12, 2009 at 12:30 pm

    Hi Rori

    I have watched the Targeting Mr Right programme and am currently finding it really useful to go through it again from the start as I am discovering things in it I didn’t pick up the first time…. However, I remain puzzled about one thing….

    Firstly, I shall give you a bit of a background as to where I’m at in my Circular Dating. I do have a favourite guy I’ve been seeing for a few weeks who had the ‘No Boyfriend’ speech from the first date. He said he was uncomfortable with the idea of me Circular Dating but then he actually came around to the idea…He said the only conditions were a) that he does not want to know details about these other dates I’ll be going on, and b) that I must not show up at the places where he hangs out… fair enough! He also asked whether the man is allowed to circular date… and I said ‘Yes he is’… but he isn’t doing so.

    I started a sexual relationship with him by now and he knows that he is the only one I am sleeping with. He asks me several times, either after sex or just when kissing on the settee, ‘What are you thinking about?’, whilst caressing my hair and kissing me. He is obviously after an emotional response. I know I’m supposed to try and talk about feelings, but I couldn’t because I am not used to opening up and I’m supposed to treat all the men the same so I’ve kept pretty cool about him to his face… so I said ‘I’m scared of telling you as I’m scared of getting hurt’… in reply he said something rather comforting,’ You can talk to me about anything and I won’t ever hurt you’ , in reply I said ‘Not deliberately – you won’t hurt me.’ So that is the background on my favourite guy.

    Anyway… why I am writing… The very next time I saw him, I opened up a little bit to him as he was just about to go away on holiday for a month! I said ‘I don’t want you to go away thinking I don’t like you, because I’ve not been all that emotional with you. I’m not used to getting all emotional as I’m a bit of a Tom Boy. He said he didn’t agree that I was anything like a Tom Boy and that he found me very feminine. However, next he said something to me that I wasn’t prepared for… He said
    ‘I know you like me, but I’m stopping myself from developing further feelings for you, in case I get hurt because you’re doing the Circular Dating and seeing other guys.’ AAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!
    I said… ‘Wow, I never thought of that… its kind of evil isn’t it not to feel what you want? – I don’t want that to happen any more! I’ll have to think about this.’ HELP! Rori, how do I address this issue?

    I am worried that due to Circular Dating, in effect we’re scaring off men’s ability to relax and dare to develop deeper feelings? I know WE girls, as part of this programme, are not to get emotionally invested until a certain point… but what if all the good MEN think this way too… we won’t be able to develop the relationship on a deeper level and we won’t get anywhere NEAR to a marriage proposal? To prevent the potential hurt of us girls leaving them, the men are withholding feelings and that is defeating the object, yes?

  259.  #259Rori Raye on September 14, 2009 at 4:11 pm

    Karen….because men are different. They zero in much faster. He doesn’t really need a lot of time to decide what he wants here. There’s no such thing as a man stopping himself from feeling. It’s just a line. The whole point is NOT that you’re dating all these guys to decide who you like…you’re dating all these guys until HE says Marry Me….Love, Rori

  260.  #260Karen on September 15, 2009 at 2:22 am

    Dear Rori

    Thank you for the quick reply! I know I’m not to get invested in him but it is still a relief to hear that it is ‘just a line’ he has given me about stopping his feelings from developing. I think he might have been trying to change my mind about doing Circular Dating but I’m going to persevere until the ring, as my old way of dating certainly did not work!

    Thank you for this wonderful programme and making forums available too, as I recognise a lot of the women’s experiences on here so don’t feel so alone in this. I am finding that even the smallest change in my habits is bringing such different results. Thanks so much! Karen

  261.  #261Shirley Krishna on October 30, 2009 at 12:13 am

    Hi Rori,
    Just wanted to say you are an amazing woman and you given me my power back with the Targetting Mr Right program.

    I’m in an exclusive relationship and about to give my man the no-boyfriend speech. i have already met someone and starting the circular dating process.

    It feels daunting and I’m scared of the fact that i may loose him completely when he discovers that i want to just date him and not be exclusive with him any more, but i guess he’s not offering me a lifelong commitment which is what i want.
    Rori I am a little confused with the sexual exclusivity process on your DVD’s.
    If I’m sleeping and dating guy A and i now meet guy B who i want to sleep with, do i drop guy A from the rotation, how do i handle the situation with guy A. You said one partner at a time.I’m feeling a little confused with the information, please clarify.



  262.  #262Rori Raye on October 30, 2009 at 1:30 am

    Shirley, Thank you for the great question. and I started to write so much again…I’ll put it in a post. Short answer – you don’t have to drop ANY man unless you want to…you just have to tell the truth based on the AGREEMENT you have with him. Love, Rori

  263.  #263Leila on November 2, 2009 at 1:28 am


    Okay. I had a Boyfriend. He wanted to be exclusive very soon after I got a divorce. I told him NO at first, because I was in a divorce recovery group where I learned about “growing relationships,” which were friendships with the opposite sex that were meant to be temporary, and we were coached to be open and honest about that. So I told everyone that I was just recovering from a divorce, and that I was simply interested in temporary friendships that would help me to learn about myself again. To my surprise, the men that I told this LOVED it, were instantly friendly and wanted to see me all the time! It was nice. The Boyfriend was one of these growing relationships, and things spiked with him very quickly because he was So Handsome, So Charming, So Seductive and So Persuasive. Despite the fact that I took the Divorce Recovery course twice, and passed both times with flying colors, when Boyfriend arrived, I knowingly, willingly walked right into the Girlfriend Trap and closed the door behind me.

    That set me back about two and a half years. Boyfriend whittled down my self esteem by criticizing me and laughing at the fact that I was naive about worldly things because I’d been married for so long. He did not value family, so he thought I was “too soft” with my daughters and their needs. He criticized the way I spent money and liked to tip our waitresses. He ridiculed me for having a lot of clothes, made fun of my high heels and he didn’t like my perfume. In a few months, my confidence was shattered. We’d get close, and he’d back away. Then we’d get close again and he’d act a bit like he was above me, too good for me, and he’d start looking at every girl that appeared on the horizon. I began to compare myself with those beautiful, younger women, and I felt inferior in every way. I starting hating myself.

    So… I spent a year and a half after we broke up, and I just worked on things. I bought Christian Carter’s programs. I downloaded eBooks and spent a fortune at the bookstore. I did workbooks and notebooks and life charts and grief graphs, and private counseling and group counseling and then…

    … I heard an interesting interview of Rori’s on one of Christian Carter’s “Interviews with Relationship Experts” CDs, where Rori talked a little about circular dating, and it clicked BIG TIME for me. I bought all of Rori’s stuff then. She didn’t have the “Targeting Mr. Right” program about circular dating (I’m buying it now), but I understood the whole idea instantly.

    I made a plan. I decided on a career. I took a course. I scheduled the test, and told myself that when I passed the test, I could start dating again.

    Then, last week, the vibes must have already been in the air, because I was approached by a guy at the grocery store, by one in my class, by one that I dated a few years ago and by one from the photograhy club. I had to just start dating right away!

    So… guess what? I was at a Halloween dance last night, dancing closely with a new date, and who showed up but my ex? He was BESIDE HIMSELF, watching me. My date and I left, and my ex called and called, then waited for me to come back and retrieve my car (my new guy and I went down to the ocean to talk for a while…) My ex wanted me back after a year and a half because I was out there, dating.

    What a crazy world this is. People who don’t like themselves want what they can’t have. When they finally get it, they don’t want it any more. Then it slips from their grasp and they’re after it again.

    I’m looking for a man with more self esteem, so he’ll want me if I want him. If I show an interest in someone and he starts to back-peddle, I’ll know that he simply isn’t evolved enough for me. Maybe he can try again later.

    Thank you Rori, for giving me the brilliant way to free myself from the Girlfriend Trap. Last night I explained to my date that I wanted to keep my options open until I had a ring on my finger. I told him that marriage was a good station for me, and that I planned to date until I was ready to settle down. I think he could feel how serious I was. If he didn’t accept this scenario, and decided to walk away, I think he could tell that I was not going to worry about it too much. And he’d be right, because I’ve done enough work to know that I’m okay with the idea of being alone again. His look of shock and pain was difficult to experience, but I could feel the respect in his demeanor when he smiled at me and slowly said, “Okay then…”

    And that felt like POWER, the kind of power I have always wanted, and I didn’t have to be BEAUTIFUL to get it. It isn’t a power to manipulate or destroy. It’s a power that moves forward towards a tangible goal. It’s a determination to reach it. It’s a means to an end. And the end is to find the right guy for me, and to be able to recognize and embrace him when I find him!

    Thank you, Rori. Thank you very much.


  264.  #264Rori Raye on November 2, 2009 at 2:59 pm

    Laura, Thank you so much for your beautiful story, your insights, and the way you’ve described this process that makes it so clear, doable and powerful. I so look forward to hearing from you here often. Love, Rori

  265.  #265uniqque on December 12, 2009 at 6:45 pm

    Hi Rori,

    I have been circular dating and using Targeting for a while now. I quickly met a guy I thought was the one, and I continue to date other guys even though he wants to be exclusive – well, he isn’t dating anyone else.

    My problem is not so much about Circular Dating as about feeling Messages I think. We both feel like we are the right one for each other, and marriage has been mentioned (by him – a few times). I have been considering it as a possibility, more than any other guy I’ve ever known. There’s a problem though, and I’ve been using your tools to address it, but I’m not sure what’s happening now.

    The thing is I feel alienated and angry because he talks about other women to me, quite frequently. Not in an graphically sexual way, but he never mentions a woman without also adding what he thinks is her level of attractiveness.

    Also, there have been some stronger comments about women’s breast size, and ethnicity which I took to be statements of his preferences, neither of which I possess (nor do I want to). He now denies having said these things, and that it was all a joke. He once described himself as a “connoisseur of women”. Anyway, on each occasion I used feeling messages – and he got concerned and said things along the lines of that ‘it has nothing to do with you’. Which I don’t understand.

    Anyway, it doesn’t stop him from consistently making comments about the beauty of other women. This is the third guy I’ve dated within a year that does this, and so I was looking at them as messengers, and looking for the lesson. I went through trying to understand why they said these things; looking at my own self-esteem / issues, etc. But now, today, after we had a fall-out over this issue yesterday, well I feel ready to do something really different.

    Instead of taking myself apart trying to figure out what went wrong, I feel ready to say that being around men who talk about other women – in what I feel is a rude or inappropriate way – just doesn’t work for me because it MAKES ME FEEL BAD. I want to be treated well all the time, not just when the man is saying great things about me.. ALL THE TIME. I’m not willing to settle or tolerate bad treatment just because it’s not ALL bad treatment. Some of it is great and that part is amazing.

    So this guy isn’t willing to stop the rude things he says around me, ok that’s his business, but I won’t be around to hear any more of them. I’m also done positioning myself as some kind of censor.. I’ve used feeling messages and spoken in low tones without attacking, but he feels attacked. I don’t see any willingness on his part to look at his behavior. He knows it hurts me and insists there”s nothing wrong with it, but that I have all the issues and I should get over them. Am I right to be taking him out of my rotation, even though we seem just right for each other in all the (other) important ways?

  266.  #266Rori Raye on December 14, 2009 at 8:44 pm

    Brava Uniqque! It doesn’t matter whether or not this is a big deal. What matters is that you don’t like it. If you don’t like it, then it’s something he should want to “look at” in order to make you happy. I’m not sure what he’s saying, and if you’re making what he says bigger because of stuff inside you, but still – it doesn’t matter. It sort of says that perhaps you’re NOT all that compatible. Tinque…please weigh in on this…I know this is your field, here… And I LOVE the Feeling Message you actually say here. I’m willing to bet you saying that will make him even MORE attracted to you. Boundaries have a way of doing that – life is too short to be with a man who annoys you continually. Love, Rori

  267.  #267Christy on May 22, 2010 at 11:29 am


    I’m tryin to decide which program I should get. I’m between Modern Siren and Targeting Mr. Right. I just stopped seeing a man who I was dating/sleeping with for 9 months. At one point I was the ‘girlfriend’ then he didn’t want committment anymore (not willing to invest the energy. He wasn’t wanting to date others). I tool a month off from any contact, then we started seeing eachother again. Sexually exclusive, but not ‘together.’ I had a difficult time accepting that he wouldn’t call, make plans, etc., and waited last minute to try to see me. He said he loves me and just needs to go at a slow pace, Ibelieve it , but broke things off because my ‘neediness’ was gettin the better of me and I couldn’t sleep with him anymore. I’m wondering whether learning about Circular Dating is best for me now, or if I should focus more on learning to draw out my feminine energy. Suggestions?

  268.  #268Rori Raye on May 24, 2010 at 11:30 am

    Christy – welcome…Start with the ebook – then Targeting for You ..then Modern Siren so you have the Tools you need to PRACTICE with the Tools from Targeting. I meant them to go together in a powerful way…Love, Rori

  269.  #269Susan on November 20, 2010 at 5:05 pm

    I am a single 55-year-old woman who has never been married. After following Rori’s info and website, I realize I’ve made some HUGE mistakes with men…… over and over and over again.

    I’d like to meet Mr. Right, but I’d like to “save” myself for marriage. Is this considered an unreasonable expectation in today’s world? I know how guys talk about this subject, but will the right guy understand and will he wait for me?

    Anyone’s input and feedback would be greatly appreciated.

  270.  #270Susan on November 20, 2010 at 5:18 pm

    I’m not in a relationship right now, so I was wondering which of Rori’s programs would be best suited for me.

    Hoping Rori’s staff will respond so that I can choose the best programs to get started.

  271.  #271Susan on November 20, 2010 at 6:30 pm

    Also, I’m hoping that Rori sees my posts. I have no confidence anymore when it comes to men, and I don’t feel very worthy of a good man/relationship. I guess one could say that my self-esteem has been damaged over the years. The few men I’ve fallen for have become distant and have rejected me. I’ve been hibernating away from men for quite some time now.

  272.  #272Rori Raye on November 21, 2010 at 7:35 pm

    Susan – why ever would you, a 55 year old woman want to “save” yourself for marriage? Right now – you should be having lovers with abandon and only choose marriage if YOU want!

  273.  #273Rori Raye on November 21, 2010 at 7:36 pm

    Start with the book for the basics – then go for Targeting Mr. Right and Modern Siren. Love, Rori

  274.  #274Rori Raye on November 21, 2010 at 7:36 pm

    Susan, you need to start having FUN!!!! That’s your ticket. Work on that. Love, Rori

  275.  #275Susan on November 21, 2010 at 8:52 pm


    Thank you for your response — I want to “save” myself for marriage because I’ve never been married. I’ve had sexual relationships in the past without a commitment but have never been married.

  276.  #276Susan on November 21, 2010 at 10:30 pm


    You had advised me to “start with the book for the basics,” but I’m not sure which one that is.


  277.  #277Daria on November 21, 2010 at 10:41 pm

    Susan – yes, there’s only one e-book… that’s the one… its the basics

  278.  #278Susan on November 21, 2010 at 10:45 pm

    Thanks Daria, I appreciate your response. I think I’ll order it over the Thanksgiving holiday. I’ll have lots of time to read!

  279.  #279Susan on November 22, 2010 at 12:43 pm

    I was wondering if anyone would like to critique a personal ad that I wrote. I wrote it with the intention of discouraging players to contact me; however, in the process, I don’t want to scare off good prospects. Anyone care to comment/advise? Thank you!



    It can be so difficult sometimes to keep faith that somewhere out there you are waiting for me. I will know you when I meet you, but the questions are when and where. You are in your 50s, and for the most part, you are healthy and take care of yourself. Maybe we can become a bit more active together, taking walks and cooking healthy meals. You have traditional values, and fidelity and monogamy are as important to you as they are to me. You prefer a quiet evening in to being out every night on the town. Spending Sunday morning alone with me over coffee and conversation doesn’t send you running for the hills.

    You aren’t married to your work, your friends, your CrackBerry, or your ex-wife. You have brought women roses more than once in your life, and you will again, for no other reason than to see the smile that comes with them. You are a true gentleman who believes in putting your relationship above everything else. You are successful in life but understand that money doesn’t buy love, happiness, or me. You want a woman who will support and love you. You want a partner, and when you find me, you never want me to doubt how special I am to you.

    I am a voluptuous, intelligent, young-looking 55-year-old woman with a soft spot for a tall man with a great smile. Honesty and trust are the two most important things to me. I am looking to live a healthier lifestyle and hoping you will be encouraging and supportive of my efforts. I have a good job and a solidly independent life. I don’t want someone to carry me all the time, but I do want someone protective who can hold my hand as we walk along together. I want a serious relationship with someone I can love and respect. Traditional values are as important to me as they are to you.

    My job is fairly portable, so I’m open to relocation under the right circumstances.

    If you wonder too, please drop me a note.

  280.  #280Lilith on November 3, 2012 at 8:31 pm

    Hi all!

    I’m having a problem with feeling ‘stuck’ lately in my circular dating adventure…I’m feeling good about my self and my boundaries are firmly in place now, and I’m really starting to feel more comfortable using feeling messages and feeling very empowered by that…..yay!!!! But I’m having a hard time working my head around trying to not feel anger against all men lately…feeling like they’re incompetent women…sigh! Or maybe it’s only the ones that I’m ‘seeing’ lately…and I’m having difficulties ‘zooming up and out’…because of these men that I’ve been dating.

    I’ve met most of them online lately….and I’m thinking I need to tweak my profile…because I’ve gotten a lot of attention, but not from quality men that are willing to step up to to plate properly…most seem to be lazy, passive, feminine energy men that just text me so that they can get a reply and get attention from me that way, but don’t bother to try to setup dates in advance and such.

    I’ve been having difficulty keeping up a rotation of at least 3 because of this.

    I was seeing one guy that really seemed to be into me, and he was consistently texting, calling, and dating me, planning dates in advance, etc…we only had 3 dates or so, with lots of calls in between…and then last weekend we had tentative plans to go out, and he never contacted me the day before to firm up plans, and went ‘poof’…where I basically got stood up on our tentative date and didn’t hear from him for a week…and he actually texted me after a week, saying ‘hey there’….I felt so ANGRY!!! My mind was yelling at him ‘Are you F’ing kidding me?’. I had decided after being stood up that he most-likely didn’t deserve any more of my time, unless he had a really, really good explantion for the disappearing act, and was also willing to work a bit harder to win me over again…and all I get is a text…sigh! LOL! So I got to use feeling messages about how I felt really irritated and weird and angry for the silence and for being stood up, and that I don’t like that, and that I was feeling that maybe this wasn’t a good match for me…and he did apologize and said that he realized now that he didn’t make as much of an effort as he should have, and that his iphone was out of commission so he was using his other cell and didn’t know how to reach me…and asked how he could make it up to me…and no other explanations, and then he went into defensive mode saying that he was disappointed when he got his iphone back that I hadn’t called him. I got to practice feeling messages again…but did slip into attack mode a bit, saying that I still felt weird and on the fence, and that if a person wants to get ahold of someone, they find a way to do it…what about cell bills, old online chat histories, etc…so then he again apologized and then gave vague stuff about dealing with his teenagers, etc…
    And then he asked if he could message me again, and I said ‘k’…and he texted ‘???’, to which I responded ‘? Ok’, and he responded back ‘I guess I wanted to have an answer to my question. May I message you tomorrow?’ …And I started feeling really triggered again, this reminded me of stuff my old ex-bf that was emotionally and verbally abusive would try to pull…the whole say yes…what did you say? kind of like being a drill sargeant and trying to bend others to their will…and I used a feeling message on that one, saying ‘I said k, for ok. But now I’m feeling weird…isn’t k short for ok? Not sure how that was unclear?…’ and then I texted ‘Goodnight’

    And then he texted me random stuff about his next day…and I still felt really irritated and angry, because I was hoping he’d actually step up to the plate and call or actually try to do something to make it up to me…didn’t happen, so the next day after that, I sent him the last text, cutting him out of my dating rotation, saying ‘Hey there! Well, I’ve enjoyed your company & chatting with u…but I’m really feeling like this isn’t a good match for me. I wish u well. :)’ And he texted ‘umm…?’ ‘Wtf happened?’…so I got to use a feeling message again ‘I just don’t like how all that played out after the weekend…& I was waiting for u to step up to the plate to make it up to me…but it was just words & vague explanations. Didn’t feel good to me, or feel right. I’m just accustomed to something else, I guess.’ And he simply replied ‘ummm…ok.’

    I know my feeling messages could’ve been better…but at that point I was so pissed off I just wanted to get rid of him.

    Also an important note about him – he’s separated, not divorced. I’m thinking it’s a good idea to not even put someone who’s not completely free and clear into our dating rotation in the 1st place…but I was trying to add to my rotation, and it was good practice being triggered, that’s for sure! But is it better to not even bother putting separated guys in our rotations?

    And the 2nd guy that I’m currently still circular dating I met through a friend awhile ago…and we hit it off and had a fun 1st date, but then he’d texted me saying that it was really great having my company, but that he’d started seeing someone else’.
    3 weeks later and he comes out of the woodwork and starts contacting me again, and then asked me if it was too late for a 2nd chance…and I said no, I feel ok about 2nd chances because we’re all human and can earn 2nd chances…but that I feel comfortable giving a 2nd chance only if I am pursued, because I only want to date men that make me feel like they’re into me.

    And then he texted that he’s not a chaser, that both people should be doing the chasing…and I said that it was up to him to decide what to do with this then…and then asked ‘well, maybe I’m confused, and not understanding what you mean by chasing? What is chasing to you?’ And he said that he wants also to feel like the woman wants to make time to see him…and I said ok, that feels ok, but that being available to someone didn’t feel like chasing to me.
    This was just a few days ago…and since then he has only texted, not called…and he hasn’t made an effort to book my time in advance…he keeps trying to get me to have last minute dates with him. And I’ve let him know in feeling messages that I feel much better having dates booked a couple of days in advance, because I’m a planner.

    I’m feeling like he is another passive guy…but I’ll give him a chance, and keep him in the dating rotation for now, for the ‘free therapy’ and practice…but I wonder if I should be keeping him in the rotation or cutting him loose?

    Well ladies? Help! What do you think?