Surrender To Now

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This is one of my favorite posts:

There are therapists and dating experts who teach those of us who are still entangled, bound, wrapped up in and held by a lover who is no longer a happy part of our lives, how to let go.

It is said that you can’t enter a new relationship while you’re still bound by the old. That you must release this person to leave room in your life and your heart for your true soulmate to come on in.

It’s a fact that our bodies and hearts get connected to those we love and have sex with. It’s chemical, and spiritual, and emotional, and it doesn’t just go away because we say goodbye. And it’s true that every time we have the same thought about that goodbye, we experience the same feeling we felt when it happened.

And yet, it’s romantic. Lost love is romantic. Pining is romantic. Yeats and Keats and Lord Byron are romantic. Singing about love isn’t as romantic as singing about the love that got away. Longing makes me feel alive. It taps into my imagination and takes me to a place of romance and lust and passion that this daily life of recycling, cleaning the kitchen, working and cuddling don’t even graze. And it taps into my pain.

What is it about pain that feels so, well – romantic?

Many of us have pain and love hooked up in such a way that easy-going men don’t feel romantic to us. Nice men who don’t intend to hurt us feel like old shoes. The pointy, spindly ones that’ll kill our backs and crunch our toes are the shoes and the men we want. Even while we’re wearing running shoes, we’re dreaming of stilettos. And we fault men for thinking like this.

Letting go, to me, is a moment by moment act and triumph of courage. Not just letting go of a person, but of a state of mind, a thought of pain that leads to a feeling of pain that then feels so powerful, passionate, poetic and sexy that it trumps everything else around.

Letting go of a person is much easier than letting go of pain. Because if I once let go of the pain of missing someone, anyone, I would feel, not just free – but alone. I would come face to face with my serious belief that I will always be alone if I don’t hold on.

To that man, that thought, that job, that routine. And to hold on, I have to, literally, hold on. Hold on to any man who comes into my space. Hold on to a plan. Hold on to hope. The pain, the plan, the hope fills the void if the man can’t.

What if you could let go of the belief that you’ll be alone because no one’s there just yet? What if you could believe he’s there, if only you could see him through the fog of poems, pain, and stilettos?

What if, instead of hope, we could operate on faith? What if, instead of hoping we’ll meet Mr. Right, or the man we’re married to will suddenly turn into Mr. Right, we could simply trust that he’s there, if only we’d consider the possibility that he doesn’t look the way we thought he should – that instead of bringing pain, longing, holding on, and stilettos, he’d show up with roses, running shoes, and the absolute knowledge that you’re the one for him. He might be right.

How to do it? Just as, if you were releasing a person who was loving you and now is not, you would cut off contact, focus on yourself and become aware of how your thoughts continually float back to him and the pain of the breakup and gently redirect those thoughts – what if you could release the past altogether?

And by the past, I mean the moment that just passed. The one that will never be again, but which left traces of emotional, spiritual and physical connection behind. The one that drags us, longing, pining and in stilettos, back to live it all over again. Over and over.

So turn around. Put your back to the moment that just passed. Use your imagination. Put your back to the person who is no longer loving you. Put your back to the pain, the longing, the holding on. Face out. Face where you want to be. Is it a mountain? A lake? A beach? Who are you with? Yourself, your new, ideal, perfect, fabulously loving lover, a friend? What is it you actually see for yourself in this new direction?

Keep your back turned to the pain, and your face to what you see ahead. Step out. Literally, now, take a step forward. Allow your future to pull on you. Walk up the mountain. Wander onto the beach. Stare in wonder at the sunset.

If you can imagine it, you can make it up anyway you want. If it feels scary, you can step out slowly and get used to it. If you can keep facing forward and keep stepping forward, you can change your thoughts, change your feelings, change your reality.

So, if you find yourself at the market, or Starbucks, or the theater, alone and miserable, or with someone you’re indifferent to, turn around from that thought. Literally spin 180 degrees and look elsewhere.

There will be something new there. Something good will happen. Someone new will step into frame. The person you’re with will become more of a real person and less of a poor substitute. Your life will go forward.

Surrender to faith in yourself. Surrender to the impossibility of knowing what’s around every corner. Surrender, not to longing, but to the pleasurable possibilities of what’s around the corner. Surrender to this idea: Romance is wonderful, love is not painful, and shoes can look good and feel good too. Stilettos are overrated.

Here is the Meditation and the Intention:

I intend to turn toward love, affection, attention, cherishing, and away from the idea that any one person holds that for me. I intend to turn toward feeling good and away from feeling bad. I intend to turn toward my future and away from my past. Toward pleasure and away from pain.

Toward happy movies and away from tragedies. To whoever’s laughing and away from whoever’s moody. I intend to allow myself to be pulled forward. I intend to step forward. I intend to use my gifts, show my heart, and never give up. I intend to live as if I believe that the mountain, the beach, the lake, all my dreams are real.

Love, Rori

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  1.  #1Femininewoman on September 27, 2012 at 7:18 am

    Keep your back turned to the pain, and your face to what you see ahead

  2.  #2Femininewoman on September 27, 2012 at 7:24 am

    The one that drags us, longing, pining and in stilettos, back to live it all over again. Over and over.

    So turn around. Put your back to the moment that just passed. Use your imagination. Put your back to the person who is no longer loving you. Put your back to the pain, the longing, the holding on. Face out. Face where you want to be.

  3.  #3LiliBee on September 27, 2012 at 7:36 am

    wwwwoooooowww…This feels so good and freeing to read.
    It’s a keeper.

  4.  #4LiliBee on September 27, 2012 at 7:41 am

    ” It is said that you can’t enter a new relationship while you’re still bound by the old. That you must release this person to leave room in your life and your heart for your true soulmate to come on in.”

    That’s what I’ve been doing by leaning back.
    Letting the space get empty and letting it be.
    At 1st I saw myself sitting in the middle of it.
    Now I see myself sitting back to make more room to make it more welcoming.

  5.  #5Sangelina on September 27, 2012 at 7:43 am

    This post sooo speaks to me!
    I woke up feeling anxious this morning thinking about someone I’ve been struggling for over 2yrs to get over. thank you Rori, thank you universe.

  6.  #6Sangelina on September 27, 2012 at 7:46 am

    “Letting go, to me, is a moment by moment act and triumph of courage”

    I shall get over this next moment and the moment after that and on and on…
    I can definitely do this. I’m very high value. I’m def the prize!!

  7.  #7Sangelina on September 27, 2012 at 7:51 am

    The best is only what I deserve, not 2nd best!
    No more waiting around and hoping..
    jumping at every text…
    panting at every email…
    hoping for grudging phone calls…
    I am verrrry high value!! The right man has to see that or else he’s not the right man.
    I have so much to offer; kindness, compassion, smarts, very communicative, emotional stability, stable home, good financial skills, responsibility, down to earth, trust worthy, attractiveness..

  8.  #8Femininewoman on September 27, 2012 at 7:53 am

    Sangelina thanks for that No 7. It sounds like the way I want to see myself.

  9.  #9bloom-ing on September 27, 2012 at 7:53 am

    the woman who sings this on the jobim album i have sounds so amazing & vulnerable… wikipedia’d it & he wrote it for a woman…. feeling moved, & i’m enjoying singing it this week : ))))))

    Dindi Lyrics
    Antonio Carlos Jobim

    Sky, so vast is the sky
    With faraway clouds just wandering by
    Where do they go?
    Oh! I don’t know, don’t know…

    Wind that speaks to the leaves
    Telling stories that no one believes
    Stories of love
    Belong to you and me

    Oh! Dindi, If I only had words I would say all the beautiful things that I see when you’re with me.
    Oh, my Dindi… Oh, Dindi,

    Like the song of the wind in the trees that’s how my heart is singing, Dindi: happy, Dindi, when you’re with me.

    I love you more each day, yes I do, yes I do.
    I’d let you go away if you’d take me with you.

    Don’t you know, Dindi I’d be running and searching for you like a river that can’t find the sea

    That would be me
    Without you, Dindi

  10.  #10Sangelina on September 27, 2012 at 7:54 am

    I suspect he does not feel worthy of such high value woman.
    He recently said that he has me up on a pedestal. I thought that was a good thing.
    If you have someone up on a pedestal, wouldn’t you then claim her.
    I thought that was a good thing for him to say.
    Or perhaps I got it all wrong?
    Am I missing something?

  11.  #11Sangelina on September 27, 2012 at 7:58 am

    You’re welcome Femininewoman, that’s the way we ALL need to see ourselves.
    I just got a text while writing this…(well I didn’t jump, LOL)
    May you all have an awesome day!!! All you desirable, high prize ladies!

  12.  #12Goddess Lily on September 27, 2012 at 8:54 am

    Fresh start…..have faith

  13.  #13Femininewoman on September 27, 2012 at 8:54 am

    So what would the lesson be? What might need healing here for you? I think the big take-aways here are learning to keep your heart open and vulnerable regardless if you feel irritated or hurt or angry. AND it’s allowing others to be themselves, letting go of rigidity, embracing your differences, healing your narrow sighted view of how the world/men “should” be with you.

    And in doing so, they DO change. Let go of the expectations, and you get what you originally wanted much of the time, but if you don’t, it won’t matter anyway because you DID NOT expect it.

  14.  #14Daria on September 27, 2012 at 8:58 am

    Maybe people triggered by my CDing or CDing in general are thinning it invalidates them if they have a commitmed relationship that feels good to them w no deal breaking bad behavior from the man?

    Thats my guess, which is too bad as it does not.

    I’m not of the same opinion I was a few years ago when I would have said to CD in that case as well.

  15.  #15Heart on September 27, 2012 at 9:00 am


  16.  #16Heart on September 27, 2012 at 9:02 am

    That was so beautiful to read.
    I feel teary-eyed.
    I feel empowered.

  17.  #17Heart on September 27, 2012 at 9:06 am

    ” Surrender to this idea: Romance is wonderful, love is not painful, and shoes can look good and feel good too.”

    I feel so moved by this.

    How do u surrender to this idea. Do you just choose it…tell yourself to believe in it…CD?

  18.  #18Starla on September 27, 2012 at 9:06 am

    Radlove (from other thread)

    No. It was your idea to stop interacting with each other, and I agreed to this. So please leave it alone. Maybe I’m “weird” in that it feels like being jerked around by emotional outbursts when someone says they’re walking away from me and then tries to weasel back in and acts hurt when I remind them that they committed to cutting me out. Furthermore, I PREFER your solution. I know you don’t like it, but it feels much more peaceful to me to just be left alone, period. You may have changed your mind, but I haven’t, and it takes two people to consent to interacting positively with each other. I don’t consent. I’m sorry if this bothers you, but I wish you all the luck and healing in the world.

  19.  #19Iamabutterfly on September 27, 2012 at 9:06 am

    Great post. I feel really shy asking this, but I left some thoughts on the previous thread that I would love some feedback/empathy/thoughts on.

    Daria, I also left some thoughts for you.

    I feel sad and hollow.

    I just found out some sad news that feels scary to talk about and I don’t feel good talking about it here on the blog. Sorry.


  20.  #20Daria on September 27, 2012 at 9:10 am

    LG – I am experiencing you as ‘having it out for me’ and generally mocking me the past couple of days.

    I am experiencing myself as dodging you and avoiding addressing you directly.

    One example that felt like mocking was when I asked Rori direct q after being triggered from your post and your comment referring to mine as ‘shaking my head can’t do anything but laugh’

    Is there something I should know?

  21.  #21Femininewoman on September 27, 2012 at 9:14 am

    Hats off to you Daria. I got that same vibe but felt fearful of being the one to bring it up, because of the passive-aggressive hat that keeps getting tossed in the ring.

    Though I also wanted to beleive there were no villains give LG the benefit of the doubt thinking it was just my interpretation of what I was reading. Sorry if I trigger you here LG but that is my truth.

  22.  #22Iamabutterfly on September 27, 2012 at 9:15 am

    hey, Daria, found your comments on the old thread. It feels great to understand better where you’re coming from, and I left you a little note on the old thread as well.


  23.  #23Starla on September 27, 2012 at 9:18 am

    noticing i feel turned off by the latest POF guy.
    he sends a different picture of himself to me every few messages, and he keeps asking if i have more. i finally just tol dhim to friend me on facebook so he could go through my albums there. then he got on fb chat and was like “what do you think of my pictures?”

    i don’t know why, but his asking me what I think of his pictures kind of turned me off.

  24.  #24Daria on September 27, 2012 at 9:18 am

    Honestly I feel upset about it as I have always felt warm reading your posts and have generally felt uplifted . I felt a special affinity w u even – feels embarrassing to say now in view of current feelings- and I dont know how to deal with this.

    I do not think you should be CDing ( not that that matters ). I get the impression you are in a committed relationship w no bad deal breaking behavior from your man.

    I’m feeling panicked at experiencing this.

    My mind is searching for a sorts of explanations, that, whole maybe correct thanks to my awesome strategizing abilities, probably won’t help.

    I don’t like feeling this way at all. What is really up?

  25.  #25Iamabutterfly on September 27, 2012 at 9:19 am

    Heart, thanks for the hugs on the previous thread. Makes me feel warm. 🙂

    Belle, I feel so intrigued by the last comment you made on the previous thread.

    I feel curious and scared about it, because I feel like I’ve been in similar situations where guys are “testing my boundaries.” Maybe even with Jack CD, and that feels really scary to admit/consider.

  26.  #26Iamabutterfly on September 27, 2012 at 9:20 am

    @24 Daria – I feel unsure who you are speaking to, but I feel curious to know who, (so I can tell if it’s me or not. I feel kinda dumb that i can’t tell if it’s to me or not…)

  27.  #27Femininewoman on September 27, 2012 at 9:20 am

    Starla thanks for this FM

    “it feels like being jerked around by emotional outbursts when someone says they’re walking away from me and then tries to weasel back in and acts hurt when I remind them that they committed to cutting me out.”

    It explains some of my feelings.

  28.  #28Goddess Lily on September 27, 2012 at 9:20 am

    I am directly asking for guidance on two situations, maybe three.

    1. How do I tell my ex in feeling messages that I don’t want advice about my work situation that I just told him I’m confused about?

    2. How can I tell if my work ex showing up again is a result of me shifting my vibe or hes back to remind me of a lesson I haven’t learned yet?

    3. What do I do with my nasty feelings that I got when he was being his usual flirty self with another girl at work directly after flirting with me? I almost think it was a test or a defense mechanism so he won’t appear as vulnerable to me right now. He basically told me he was added to ask me to do anything because I may be busy.

  29.  #29Goddess Lily on September 27, 2012 at 9:21 am

    Afraid, not added

  30.  #30Starla on September 27, 2012 at 9:22 am

    you’re welcome fw, but i don’t think it’s that great of a feeling message… i think it’s mostly judgment. i can’t say for sure if i’m being jerked around. ehhh i’m not always so good at this fm thing

  31.  #31Iamabutterfly on September 27, 2012 at 9:22 am

    I feel so confused. I don’t know who LG is or which thread she was typing on and who is getting triggered by who, and I want to understand and I feel frustrated that I want to understand because it’s none of my business really!

    I feel triggered because my Mom is always “up in other people’s business” and I really, really, really don’t want to be like that!

    wow, this feels curious and kinda scary…

  32.  #32Femininewoman on September 27, 2012 at 9:22 am

    Starla re FB guy just a question………….

    Do you see this as seeking validation?

  33.  #33Femininewoman on September 27, 2012 at 9:24 am

    Okay Starla. I will try to coin my own but it speaks to me. It also reminds me of Gay Hendricks who talks about making commitments. Mean what you say and say what you mean kinda thing.

  34.  #34Goddess Lily on September 27, 2012 at 9:25 am

    Do I express in fms how I felt when I saw my work ex flirting with another coworker or am I supposed to let it go?

    Once again, I am asking for feedback

  35.  #35Femininewoman on September 27, 2012 at 9:26 am

    Iamabutterfly that reminds me of some of Margaret Lynch’s tapping I did about vowing not to be like a parent but the unconscious vow to be like them.

    That was my shorthand for Laughing Goddess.

  36.  #36Starla on September 27, 2012 at 9:27 am

    yes i do see it as seeking validation… it’s just funny cuz they’re not that great of pics but that’s not what’s important to me, but i feel angry being put in a position to say ‘um you’re not that cute.’

    like wtf? he’s either super insecure or totally full of himself thinking he’s gorgeous. either way, i’m like ewww

  37.  #37MissStix on September 27, 2012 at 9:28 am


    I feel spoken to.

    Maybe I am wrong but that’s ok. Even if you are not spesking to me I feel grateful for and respectful of your opinion.


    And I am CDing without dates…

    Hint: I posted last night about a man. Rethink who I may be talking about…

    I don’t feel free to say it out loud.

    Oh cryptic secrets…they feel jittery, but kind of good.

  38.  #38Femininewoman on September 27, 2012 at 9:28 am

    Goddess Lily maybe begin your sharing by letting him know ahead of time that you just want to express your heart, you are not asking him for a fix or solution.

    Men feel helpless when we vent about such things and they can’t feel successful by providing a solution. He is just being masculine.

  39.  #39Femininewoman on September 27, 2012 at 9:30 am

    Flip Starla and think of how they must feel when we try to get them to tell us if they are still into us or still like us.

  40.  #40Iamabutterfly on September 27, 2012 at 9:30 am

    @28 Goddess Lily –

    1. “I feel grateful that you want to help me, but it would honestly feel awesome if I could just express my feelings without advice. I know you’re just trying to help, but it would feel so good and validating just to vent. Thanks for caring.” ? hmm…I feel unsure if that’s a good thing to say or not…

    2. I have no idea. I feel like “old men” return to me at the most random times. sometimes they’re still single. sometimes they are in new relationships. sometimes I feel sad that we’re not connected anymore. sometimes I feel relief that we’re not connected.

    what do you think, Goddess Lily? How is his “reappearance” making you feel? what is it making you consider?

    3. wow, I feel triggered by this. I feel like Jack CD does the same thing to gage a reaction out of me.

    Sometimes, it makes me feel really angry.
    Sometimes, it makes me feel nothing, because I feel sure he’s doing it for the specific purpose of getting a reaction out of me.
    Sometimes, I feel like he does it because he really cares about me, and is unsure how I feel about him.
    Sometimes, I feel like he does it because he DOESN’T really care about me, and is just using me to stroke his own ego.


    What do you think, Goddess Lily?

    how do you feel?

  41.  #41Iamabutterfly on September 27, 2012 at 9:31 am

    hmm, I’m feeling this extreme need to feel “needed” today. to feel respected, and heard, and appreciated on the blog.

    feels kinda weird.

    maybe I’m not getting enough of that in my “real life?”

  42.  #42Femininewoman on September 27, 2012 at 9:32 am

    What do I do with my nasty feelings

    You feel your feelings and ask yourself what am I really feeling? What did this show up to heal?

    What is the nasty feeling anyway?

  43.  #43Iamabutterfly on September 27, 2012 at 9:32 am

    My mom feels a huge need to feel “needed.” She gets really triggered when she doesn’t feel “needed.”

    Her dad used to tell her over and over and over again that she would never amount to anything.

    aw, I feel so sad for mom.


  44.  #44Starla on September 27, 2012 at 9:35 am

    I just logged on to chat with Warrior because he has a job interview that’s a really big deal today. But then things turned kind of weird and I decided to log off. I think I could use some feedback from you ladies — it triggered me to run away for some reason. I leaned forward to wish him luck and felt like okay i didn’t sign up for this energy. maybe i’m just an as*hole.

    me: hey!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    good luck today:)
    Warrior: Bla almost fell down the stairs at work had to throw my phone and the screen is now broken
    my back and knee hurts cause of how I landed on my foot
    and I have a largre bruse building on my forarm
    but THanks it will be great
    me: eep
    Warrior: 😀
    my light on my car is fixed
    me: i have to go
    i just wanted to say good luck
    Warrior: awww
    okay thanks
    talk to you later

  45.  #45Iamabutterfly on September 27, 2012 at 9:36 am

    @34 Goddess Lily – wow, I feel so unsure how to answer this. (not that I “know” anything, anyway.)

    if it were me, I would probably let it go.
    He might feel like you’re trying to control him or something, or it might make him keenly aware of your insecurities, which would give him more power, which I’m not sure if you want him to have or not.

    I guess it would depend on how bad it’s bothering you.

    Then, there’s that whole seedy thing about what constitudes flirting and the innocence or non-innocence of flirting.

    Big trigger for me…

    whatever you do, I would be really careful not to “blame” him for “flirting” with that other girl.

  46.  #46Iamabutterfly on September 27, 2012 at 9:38 am

    @44 Starla – aw, your little convo with Warrier CD makes me feel giggly. I think it’s cute.

    I don’t think you did anything “wrong.” I think it shows he trusts and cares about you enough to share his physical ailments with you. A lot of guys wouldn’t feel safe doing that, thinking it would make you perceive him as “weak” in their eyes, (a man’s worst nightmare.)

  47.  #47Goddess Lily on September 27, 2012 at 9:40 am

    I want to react. I feel annoyed that I let myself open to being triggered by him again. I want to cry but I’m at work now. He has no duty not to flirt but I feel hurt because of the timing. I felt like we had just had a break through. I want to know whether it was innocent or he has an agenda. I feel p!ssed that I can’t think of anything else.

  48.  #48Iamabutterfly on September 27, 2012 at 9:41 am

    @35 Feminine Woman – thanks for explaining. makes me feel heard. wow, I feel…really dumb for some reason!

    Like, duh, oops, oy…

  49.  #49Belle on September 27, 2012 at 9:42 am

    I love this post.
    A few weeks ago I read a book called “Black Swan”, and it is therapuetic allegory or metaphorical story designed to lead someone’s mind through healing from abandonment.
    One of the lessons is, to push the wounder out of your heart. Don’t try to get healing from the same person who hurt you
    and I think I felt dizzy for a moment when I read that.
    Don’t keep the person causing me pain in my heart and keep hurting myself with thoughts of him?
    So I tried it and it felt so wrong but it worked.
    It helped me finally see that I was trying to get the person who was causing me pain to be the one to stop the pain.

    Last night I dreamed I was helping an ex-boyfriend pack up his stuff and leave. I was telling him that I was going to miss him but I am sure glad to see him go.
    I associate him with being lazy, manipulative, narcissistic, contrarian, belittling, arrested sexual development, hoarding, bad personal hygiene, cowardice, pretty much every deadly sin 🙂 So all of that is on it’s way out.

    I feel a new level of complete with T, too, now that I finally GROKKED the lesson that men will just say anything. He will say everything right and talk until the sun comes up but no action. That hasn’t changed in 10 years and never will. Adios, my friend.

    “he’d show up with roses, running shoes, and the absolute knowledge that you’re the one for him.”

    yes yes yes!!!
    I feel like YES to this!
    radiant sparkles filling my eyes and heart up with YES!!!
    I’m cleaning my internal house to be ready for you, baby…I’m so sorry it took me so long and I feel so grateful knowing you’ll show up the instant I’m ready.

  50.  #50Femininewoman on September 27, 2012 at 9:44 am

    Starla he might just be a pessimist. Some of us seem to be naturally like that. Who knows maybe those misfortunes showed up because of his internal insecurities.

    Though it reminds me of myself recently when I did that test. First I got several messages tht they were having several tech issues and that they might start late. Then the others got to start 25 minutes before me because the computer was having problems. I said to myself this is a bad sign. They finally changed the computer and I realized it took me about 30 minutes into writing the report that I had gotten my groove and the words were flowing.

    I ended up “failing” even though I had done my own affirmations and cheerleading before going in to do it.

    My sense of you is that you might feel attracted to the kinda tough?? guy persona. Though beware because he might expect you to act tough in difficult situations. Like street muggings??!!

  51.  #51Iamabutterfly on September 27, 2012 at 9:46 am

    @ 47 Goddess Lily – “He has no duty not to flirt but I feel hurt because of the timing. I felt like we had just had a break through.”

    I feel curious to understand this. have you written about him on old threads, or have you not told the whole story on the blog?

    ((((((Goddess Lily)))))))

  52.  #52Femininewoman on September 27, 2012 at 9:47 am

    Just saw this from Allana Pratt and remembered someone was asking about jealousy?? recently.

    5. Jealousy is Awesome: (to a point) You’ve seen his eyes wander. Yes wander OFF you and ONTO her. You could choose to let this infuriate you, yet you know an outburst or the silent treatment will only make him look MORE! I know this is big, but I’m asking you to say “Thank you sister” and let her be an invitation for you to awaken the next level of your womanly powers… is she more sultry than you? more soft? More at peace in her skin? Be willing to do the emotional work to love your body, take a dance class, let go of being so in control… do this for YOU! And THEN notice the ‘new you’ gets a lot more attention from your man!

  53.  #53Femininewoman on September 27, 2012 at 9:49 am

    Belle – It helped me finally see that I was trying to get the person who was causing me pain to be the one to stop the pain.

    I wonder if this is the reason we expect/demand apologies?

  54.  #54Femininewoman on September 27, 2012 at 9:51 am

    RE 48 You can’t “feel” dumb!! I don’t think.

    I am wondering if it is you feel like your brain spinning around looking for answers but can’t find them? Maybe an indication to drop down into your body to see what you are really feeling?

  55.  #55Femininewoman on September 27, 2012 at 9:52 am

    RE 47 ((((((((((((Goddess Lily))))))))))))))))

    Don’t act out on your emotions. That is how we get labelled as the psycho gf.

  56.  #56Starla on September 27, 2012 at 9:53 am

    fw, he’s really not a pessimist per se, but he’s been so complain-y lately. i felt like i was getting slapped in the face for wishing him good luck. like “actually i’m having bad luck but thanks anyway jerkstarla”

  57.  #57Iamabutterfly on September 27, 2012 at 9:53 am

    “Romance is wonderful, love is not painful, and shoes can look good and feel good too. Stilettos are overrated.”

    @49 Belle – I feel so incredibly inspired by you! Do you know who wrote “Black Swan?” i would love to read it…

  58.  #58Heart on September 27, 2012 at 9:53 am

    Belle – “Don’t try to get healing from the same person who hurt you”


  59.  #59Femininewoman on September 27, 2012 at 9:54 am

    totally full of himself thinking he’s gorgeous

    I find this inspiring. It inspires me to think of myself that way.

  60.  #60Goddess Lily on September 27, 2012 at 9:54 am

    I haven’t really written much about him. We dated almost all of 2009. I broke it off because he never made me a priority. I’m sure I didn’t all the wrong things back then too. We tried just hanging out for the first half of 2011 until one day he wrote out everything that was on his mind as a priority and relationship/me wasn’t there so I took that to be a sign and started dating someone else. Once again, I didn’t have any of the tools and I was doing everything wrong. I just feel so good with him otherwise that I haven’t felt with anyone else not even my recent ex that I have the date with friday. He knows me better than anyone. I love that man so much but he chooses to pursue business things. I thought I could cd him and practice but emotions came up so fast right now. I used to have so much fun with him and I miss that. Maybe it’s the period hormones again but this sucks.

  61.  #61Iamabutterfly on September 27, 2012 at 9:55 am

    @54 Feminine Woman – Hmm…you can’t feel dumb.

    I feel…ache-y. I feel tired. but I also feel hopeful, excited. anxious, curious.

    I feel it all!

  62.  #62Femininewoman on September 27, 2012 at 9:56 am

    Starla I kinda see some semblance to what Turquoise recently posted about Mr. C.

    Maybe they just want to be seen as “human” and the accolades make them feel like you think they are “super human” and they are afraid of failing in your eyes?

    I dunno

  63.  #63Femininewoman on September 27, 2012 at 9:58 am

    I believe “dumb” is judgementalbeatupmyself kinda think.

  64.  #64Starla on September 27, 2012 at 9:58 am

    59 fw, i should add “……thinking he’s gorgeous and needing to hear that i must be falling all over myself to hear from him”

    lol. i feel kind of like “NEXT”

  65.  #65Mel on September 27, 2012 at 9:58 am

    Hi ladies,

    I’m wondering how best to handle this situation without taking on any masculine energy…

    Mr A is having some pretty big stress family wise. He is not withdrawing and actually says he is so glad he has me to talk to… doesn’t know what he’d do with out me…

    Mostly, I’ve just tried to listen empathetically. Once or twice, I’ve said I had something to share if it’s okay. Trying not to be too much in the “solve-it” mode.

    Is it too “masculine” to encourage? I feel confident you’ll figure it all out… I see you as a caring man and a great problem-solver. This will all work itself out….

    Yesterday he said he feels afraid all of this “stuff” will scare me away. I said “I’m not going anywhere.”

    I’m feeling a bit powerless. I’m not feeling too sure how best to support him. I don’t want to be in the mommy or masculine role.


  66.  #66Goddess Lily on September 27, 2012 at 9:59 am

    Let me be an example for the con side of dating someone at work.

  67.  #67Daria on September 27, 2012 at 10:00 am

    Thanks Lama – 🙂 i feel smily! thank you for your post to me, it triggered me to notice some upsetting emotions … and embrace some things i’ve never embraced before

  68.  #68Iamabutterfly on September 27, 2012 at 10:01 am

    @56 Starla – “fw, he’s really not a pessimist per se, but he’s been so complain-y lately. i felt like i was getting slapped in the face for wishing him good luck. like “actually i’m having bad luck but thanks anyway jerkstarla””

    wow, Starla. I don’t see how he is being complain-y.

    (except the physical stuff, I guess. but even then, it sounded more like he was sharing little ailments with you, rather than “complaining” about them.

    complaining would sound more to me like

    “I can’t do a good job on this interview BECAUSE of all my physical ailments and I’m not good enough for this job interview and ugggg…” or something.)

    Does that even make sense? It just kinda feels like you’re reading more into what’s actually there, maybe?

    you know him better than I do, though…

  69.  #69Iamabutterfly on September 27, 2012 at 10:03 am

    @52 Feminine Woman – wow, I really like that!

  70.  #70Starla on September 27, 2012 at 10:07 am

    lama you are probably right:)

    i think i’m on a hair trigger because all month he’s been on this ridiculously strict diet and he is complaining about it.

    and part of the reason i don’t like chatting with him all day long on IM is because i’ll say something, and he’ll respond by saying “my arm hurts” or something like that. or “i’m so tired.”

    and it feels boring and draining and i want to feel important, d*mnit 😀

  71.  #71Femininewoman on September 27, 2012 at 10:07 am

    Mel I have seen Rori siggest “bummer” of stuff like that must suck or I can how how you must feel ________. I believe a light touch on the shoulder or holding of his hand could make a difference in such situations too.

  72.  #72Daria on September 27, 2012 at 10:07 am

    I pushed my CD back I pushed my CD back I pushed my CD back!!!! wooo hooo

    time wise i mean lol

    now i don’t have to rush and be ready in 25 min (we havent eaten dinner here!!! yet) nad instead will meet him at 9:30


    whihc is an hour ana half

    oh i feel so happy

    i felt soo insecure doing it!

    but also secure


    hes like hey if you have ohter plans i understand, im like no i dont really

    i do want to meet w u lol

    i can meet at 9 30 earliest or really for me if i know a couple days ahead of time that would feel good

    what do you think?


    it feels great that i like this Cd’s voice yum

  73.  #73Heart on September 27, 2012 at 10:09 am

    mel – how is it all making you feel?

    your encouragements sound good!

  74.  #74Starla on September 27, 2012 at 10:09 am

    when he was like “but thanks” i took it as sarcasm. and i am sure it was.

    i dunnooooooooooooo

    his interview is gonna go great though. i know it will. he’s solid. 🙂

  75.  #75Femininewoman on September 27, 2012 at 10:14 am

    aahhh Starla now I am here wondering. I have heard Rori say that she is against men being vegans because it takes away from their masculine vibe. I believe she said she is totally against it, I hope I am quoting her right. I am wondering if this is what is showing up here?

  76.  #76Goddess Lily on September 27, 2012 at 10:14 am

    I just want him to know I’m confused by his actions. But I know I can’t inspire him to be better by being jealous even if it is warranted. Thank you everyone. I feel very grateful to those who took the time and energy to respond to me. I still feel crappy but I will not let this affect my job. I will be stronger and choose a better course of action going forward. Thank you sirens!!!

  77.  #77Starla on September 27, 2012 at 10:14 am

    i feel like logging back on and asking “are you okay…?”

  78.  #78Daria on September 27, 2012 at 10:16 am

    i love my stomach lurching

    i love htat ‘something is terribly wrong or is gonna go terribly wrong feeling’

    i love the feeling of sweat breaking out in my skin the nausea the puddling feeling

    i feel sick i love my sick feeling

  79.  #79Iamabutterfly on September 27, 2012 at 10:19 am

    @67 Daria – i feel shy asking, but I still feel sooooo curious as to who you were talking to in comment #24.

    I think you were probably talking to Miss Stix, though, am I right?

  80.  #80Starla on September 27, 2012 at 10:21 am

    FW, i strongly am against his diet. it’s not enough food in my opinion. but it does include fish and/or chicken twice a day.

  81.  #81Goddess Lily on September 27, 2012 at 10:21 am

    Raising my degree of difficulty….one day at a time. Micro baby steps 🙂

  82.  #82bloom-ing on September 27, 2012 at 10:23 am

    iamabutterfly, lg is laughing goddess : )

  83.  #83Femininewoman on September 27, 2012 at 10:27 am

    Starla I am struggling with myself trying to figure out how to word “Starla do you think you want to fix him and maybe that is the reason you believe he is not your guy?” Don’t know how to say it otherwise so please skip over if it feels critical or blamey or rude.

  84.  #84Tam on September 27, 2012 at 10:28 am

    20 Daria I felt mocked too, but I believe that people do what they have to do and I practice forgiveness even if in the heat of the moment I want to protest.

  85.  #85Rebecca on September 27, 2012 at 10:30 am

    I feel a little pissed off today…

    I got rejected from 3 jobs boo hoo :((

    1 I thought I would defo get and 1 I thought I would get a second interview for…

    I feel soooo rejected and feel like just bursting anger in my belly.

    Feelings like I am NOT good enough. I WILL never be good enough… nothing good happens to me….


    Sorry to let it out on the blog…

  86.  #86Tam on September 27, 2012 at 10:33 am

    Rebecca…you are good enough, you will always be good enough…only good things will happen to you, well not ‘only’ but those perceiced as bad may be a blessing in disguise.

  87.  #87Femininewoman on September 27, 2012 at 10:34 am

    Tam/Daria when I wrote 21 as soon as I hit send something inside me said “I wonder if it is the screen name why I unconsciously got that mocking energy in the words”. I keep going back to Rori’s post about the meanings “I” attach to words. Thank you Starla and Turquoise for bringing my focus on words to my attention in the past. I am not there yet but things are slowly kinda making sense to me now.

  88.  #88Rebecca on September 27, 2012 at 10:34 am

    I need to let these feelings sit with me…

    I need to embrace them…

    If anyone has any suggestions for the best way to riff this through FW, Daria it would be greatly appreciated…

    I really want to see if I can turn this negativity around for myself. I don’t think I have ever done it before..

    I feel scared..

  89.  #89Starla on September 27, 2012 at 10:35 am

    fw, no i don’t want to fix him. i’m just feeling curious about how i wanted to run away from the conversation. but now i am realizing — he used to ask me how i am every day and now it’s just always about him. i found myself talking about myself without prompting and sharing things about myself because he doesn’t ask. and it feels kind of sad and lame, because i’m a magical, marvelous, wondrous woman who does unique and magical things, and i feel really unvalued for those things so i’m kind of trying to “campaign” a bit.

    hehe i feel silly.

    for the record, all of this feels mostly inconsequential. he’s just a cd and there are many others. but i do feel very curious about the triggers and the experience.

    and i also feel like maybe some communication will change the dynamic a bit.

  90.  #90Rebecca on September 27, 2012 at 10:36 am

    @86: Tam says:

    Thanks Tam… that feels so nice to read… I am crying now..

    I feel a mess..

  91.  #91Femininewoman on September 27, 2012 at 10:36 am

    Rebecca please feel free to let it out. Better than allowing it to grow like cancer in your breasts. I am still reeling from a similar situation just that mine would have been a promotion and I am still facing the people I felt embarassed in front of.

  92.  #92Iamabutterfly on September 27, 2012 at 10:36 am

    I feel unsure why, but I feel embarassed of all my spamming, question asking, and riffing. (do I truly riff on here?)

    It would feel great to talk about a “magnetic man” experience I had the other night, but I feel scared that I’m going to get judged for some reason.

    I felt so great, energized, happy, and excited about life the other night.

    I was really bubbly with a group of people; new friends, old friends, some strangers who I hesitate to call strangers because I felt so connected to everyone.

    I swear, I felt like I had every man’s attention in the room. I don’t think I was being loud or demanding of attention by any means. I just felt excited and happy and I was sharing stories and feeling great.

    I feel so embarassed even thinking about this, but one of my married guy friends seemed like, magnetically attracted to me, and it makes me feel really guilty.

    He was like, watching me with this awe/delighted look on his face.

    also, my engaged guy friend who always makes me feel so confused about how i feel about him: (when I’m upset, he’s the first person I turn to for a hug. Sometimes i feel really attracted to him, othertimes, really turned off by him. I respect and appreciate him a lot. I don’t think I could “be” with him on a long term basis because he has the same occupation as my Dad, and it feels really triggering for me because it’s not a “family man” occupation, and I really, really want a man who will be home at night to tend to me and be there for our kids. I should also note that while I felt a little sad to lose one of my single friends to another engagement, I also felt really happy for him, too.)

    anyway, I digress.

    I felt so magnetically attractive and powerful and it felt really over-whelming, good, and a little scary!

    I just wanted to write about that, so I remember that it did actually happen…

  93.  #93bloom-ing on September 27, 2012 at 10:38 am


    i feel curious about something…. “nothing good happens to me….” you wrote that above & i felt Ouch ! stung ! reading that…. & i feel curious, because i have been Practicing taking “old stories” from my mind (like, “i was bullied in school”) & going back into them & NOT “fitting” the story to my “pattern” but instead trying to See that it might be What I Already Want lol…. like “oh, that girl wasn’t so much Mean to me, as i suppose we just didn’t really Click & it made space for me to have a different friend”

    anywayz, sorry. i made that sound really boring. but maybe you could write the story of your life in a way where you are getting what you want : )

  94.  #94Iamabutterfly on September 27, 2012 at 10:38 am

    @82 thanks, bloom-ing! 😀

    @Rebecca – just let go. don’t be scared to shock us (or yourself!)

    It feels amazing and cathartic once you get “it” all out of you…

    how do you feel?

    don’t hold back!

  95.  #95bloom-ing on September 27, 2012 at 10:39 am

    oh, sorry, & also gratitude – like, often i was bullied for “antisocial” behavior, so it’s kind of an act of love if you can take it that way…. lol : )

  96.  #96Femininewoman on September 27, 2012 at 10:40 am

    hhmmm Starla interesting I am thinking how do we make room in a partnership for both to share those types of feelings. I see Rori talking about “you go first” but when we go into the territory of leaning forwardencouragingcheerleading” I wonder if this is what we get? I am not suggesting that is what you do all the time just that I noticed you began this interaction. Or is it just a snippet from the middle?

  97.  #97Femininewoman on September 27, 2012 at 10:43 am

    Daria has been dubbed the Queen of Riffing by Rori.

  98.  #98Starla on September 27, 2012 at 10:43 am

    fw that was the whole interaction start to finish

    thanks for everyone’s help here:)

  99.  #99Tam on September 27, 2012 at 10:44 am

    (((((Rebecca)))) I am slathering on the love….you are so cool and I hope you can see that tonight!! 🙂

  100.  #100MissStix on September 27, 2012 at 10:45 am

    I feel resistant to actual dates.

    And I wonder in my mind…”why does is matter?” I have plenty of men in my life to feel open to. To sink in around. To be around. To feel around. I have only one man I desire sex with. I have only one man I feel desire to take me out on a date.

    But I have plenty of men around me to practice in the presence of. But I feel resistant to accepting their money, or their penis. giggles now. Oh teah there’s only one penis I want and only one set of male hands I want to physically recieve from. But I shall not shut out the other men around me. Oh no. Especially when the air feels dense in their presence. hmmmm I feel very smily and mysterious twinkly eyed and giggly.

  101.  #101Femininewoman on September 27, 2012 at 10:46 am

    i’m a magical, marvelous, wondrous woman who does unique and magical things,

    I love how you describe yourself Starla and the level of awareness that you demonstrate.

  102.  #102MissStix on September 27, 2012 at 10:47 am

    Oh yes and there are other ways I receive from these men. Mmmm yes. They want to give to me to and I accept…In a different way. A different vibe.

  103.  #103Rebecca on September 27, 2012 at 10:47 am

    @93: bloom-ing

    That’s so nice, I see what you are saying. I just feel so out of control. Whenever I ‘want’ something, it just always seems to slip through my hands, it’s such a hopeless feeling. It’s like I sense it’s going to happen even before it happens.

    I remember when my brother told me his wife was pregnant, and the next day my cat got killed, and I felt so angry because I was so jealous of my brother. He has a great job, wife and now a child on the way I couldn’t even have a cat. And I just felt angry.

    I know what you are saying though. I need to turn this around and to see the positives..

    Thank you for reminding me of that 🙂

  104.  #104Goddess Lily on September 27, 2012 at 10:50 am

    Rebecca and everyone else,

    Please let out your feelings. My mother holds everything in, doesn’t barely ever cry, curse, or raise her voice. Now her feelings have manifested into a physical response. It affects her memory and causes her gastrointestinal problems. She had to take disability retirement because she couldn’t function at work anymore.

    PLEASE let it all out and sink into them.

  105.  #105Daria on September 27, 2012 at 10:50 am

    lamabutterfly – I was talking to Laughing Goddess

  106.  #106Iamabutterfly on September 27, 2012 at 10:51 am

    I feel really embarassed and scared to write about this. I feel paranoid that “someone I really know out there” is going to read it and know what I’m talking about. that’s so weird.

    I need advice!

    I just found out via facebook that a close family member to Seenmecry CD has passed away.

    I feel so sad for him, and I really want to reach out with a sympathy card, but I feel so scared, disconnected from him, and a little guilty for disconnecting myself from him, in order to “protect” myself.

    Honestly, there are relationships that are bigger and more important than romantic relationships.

    I really want to show my support.

    What does everyone think about this?
    How does everyone feel about this?

    any advice?

  107.  #107Iamabutterfly on September 27, 2012 at 10:52 am

    @105 Daria – thank you. I feel shy.

  108.  #108Goddess Lily on September 27, 2012 at 10:54 am


    You are probably being saved. YOU were too good for those jobs. It’s awful to feel the rejection but one day you will laugh and say things sure do happen for a reason.

  109.  #109Rebecca on September 27, 2012 at 10:56 am

    94: Iamabutterfly says:

    How do you feel?

    I just feel deflated. Like I can’t do anymore than I am doing. This is it. I am doing my best and it hurts like mad to know that my best is not nearly good enough. I just feel at the bottom of the queue – unseen and unheard…

    I feel angry at myself for not being what I would ‘like in my minds eye’ to be…

    I feel sad. I feel like a failure…

    Gosh, I need to turn this around in someway..

    For years now (maybe 15) I have had huge anxiety about not being good enough. To the point where I have felt suicidal. I have feelings like ‘how did I get here?’ – ‘how is this my life?’

    Everyone wants to feel competent and like they can achieve and end objective. I never feel like that. I feel so paralysed with fear half the time and so scared of criticism.

    I am only scared of criticism when I do not feel like I understand it, or that I can’t change the thing that I am not doing quite right.

    I just feel I am giving everything but it is not even nearly enough.

    And I know I have to change my attitude.. I just want to be a winner. I am so sick of being a loser.

  110.  #110Goddess Lily on September 27, 2012 at 11:01 am


  111.  #111Daria on September 27, 2012 at 11:02 am

    ‘there are relationships that are bigger and more important than romantic relationships.’

    — i dont choose this belief

    though parent (me) to child relationship yes

  112.  #112Daria on September 27, 2012 at 11:02 am

    and not always that

  113.  #113bloom-ing on September 27, 2012 at 11:05 am


    “I just feel so out of control. Whenever I ‘want’ something, it just always seems to slip through my hands, it’s such a hopeless feeling. It’s like I sense it’s going to happen even before it happens.”

    reading this, i feel happy actually – i am not sure quite why. i feel really affectionate toward you & sweet also. thank you. & i feel curious about this…. like Wanting having 2 different ways – happy to have it / afraid of not having it……. maybe you can do something with that ? : ) hugs i feel happy for you in advance : )))

  114.  #114Daria on September 27, 2012 at 11:05 am

    Lama – i am thinking Rori would say it’s ok to express condolences.

  115.  #115Daria on September 27, 2012 at 11:07 am

    Rebecca – i relate to the feeling sick of feeling like a loser thing

  116.  #116Iamabutterfly on September 27, 2012 at 11:07 am

    @109 ((((((((((((((((Rebecca)))))))))))))))))) – I have felt the same way. It’s okay. You are not alone. Your best IS good enough, and there’s even more good stuff to be found! (yes, there is!)

    You have untapped courage. It is in there, I know it! The fact that you are blogging about it shows its in there!

    You are WORTHY.
    You are GOOD ENOUGH.
    You are AMAZING.

    Exactly where you are in life.
    Exactly who you are…

    We are all constantly growing and evolving.

    We are good enough NOW.
    we can better, yes, but we are LOVED, ADORED, CHERISHED now!

    I really want to talk to you about God and Jesus, but I feel scared because “religion” is a no-no on the bloggie.

    but I feel inspired by your courage!

  117.  #117Iamabutterfly on September 27, 2012 at 11:08 am

    @114 Daria – thanks, Daria!

  118.  #118Iamabutterfly on September 27, 2012 at 11:09 am

    Rebecca – my comment to you went into moderation, but I hope it shows up, and if it doesn’t, maybe we can email. ((((((((((((((Rebecca)))))))))))))))

  119.  #119Iamabutterfly on September 27, 2012 at 11:10 am

    I think this part of my comment is safe, at least. 🙂

    @109 ((((((((((((((((Rebecca)))))))))))))))))) – I have felt the same way. It’s okay. You are not alone. Your best IS good enough, and there’s even more good stuff to be found! (yes, there is!)

    You have untapped courage. It is in there, I know it! The fact that you are blogging about it shows its in there!

    You are WORTHY.
    You are GOOD ENOUGH.
    You are AMAZING.

    Exactly where you are in life.
    Exactly who you are…

    We are all constantly growing and evolving.

    We are good enough NOW.
    we can better, yes, but we are LOVED, ADORED, CHERISHED now!

  120.  #120Iamabutterfly on September 27, 2012 at 11:12 am

    Let’s try this…

    I really want to talk to you about G0d and J3sus, but I feel scared because “rel1g1on” is a no-no on the bloggie.

    but I feel inspired by your courage!

  121.  #121Iamabutterfly on September 27, 2012 at 11:12 am

    it worked. 🙂 hugs to you, Rebecca!

  122.  #122Rebecca on September 27, 2012 at 11:16 am

    @94: Iamabutterfly

    Thank you.

    Sometimes I feel so incompetent I’m surprised I can even dress myself correctly and that I don’t leave my house with my clothes on inside out, or my skirt tucked into my knickers.

    I don’t know what is wrong with me. I think I was in the front of the queue when God was handing out absentmindedness. I swear it should be an illness because then I could get treatment for it.

    Once I saw on a program on TV how people can actually genuinely be absentminded and I really thought of myself. It’s just one of my traits I guess but it really just is so difficult sometimes.

  123.  #123Femininewoman on September 27, 2012 at 11:21 am

    Rebecca you realize it could be a defense mechanism you could have developed for blocking out the difficult feelings you are dealing with?

  124.  #124Femininewoman on September 27, 2012 at 11:22 am

    Maybe it is just a way to protect yourself ((((((((Rebecca))))))))))))). It might just be you protecting little Rebecca.

  125.  #125Belle on September 27, 2012 at 11:23 am

    I feel all happypuppydance can I tell you how excited I feel???

    That trigger yesterday was so wonderful and totally directed to what’s opening up for me today!
    That guy, K, who was all like, “I thought we were friends,” *giggle* really got me to thinking and I was noticing thoughts like, “I don’t need friends like you!” *I* get to choose!!!

    That little victim yesterday, was unconsciously putting myself in others’ places…oh, I could have used a hand up, so therefore I should be the friend of everyone going through a tough time.
    Uhh..NO. Done. I have friends that do need a hand up and I know they sincerely love and appreciate me, I KNOW that VIBE, no doubt about it. The little one needed her mommy so I gave her a wonderful one and now I don’t feel like I need to mother the whole frigging world now.

    I can see that mother again, too, looking at me with so much love while she’s rocking the baby. She has beautiful brown eyes and she has eternal, infinite patience and is so attuned to the baby’s needs that she will never need to sit in a dirty diaper, she’ll always have the breast the instant she needs it and never wait, all of the rocking and singing and love and belonging and loving eye contact she’ll ever need.

  126.  #126Iamabutterfly on September 27, 2012 at 11:25 am

    @122 Rebecca – Wow, Rebecca. There’s nothing wrong with being absent-minded. As an absent-minded person myself, I know how frustrating it can feel (to yourself, most of all!) to be forgetful, not-on-task, etc.

    My guy friend (whom I mentioned above,) he was telling me how much he loved me. and I kept saying, “even though I’m scatter-brained, messy, and crazy emotional?”

    and he was like, yes.

    and I was like, even though I can come across as really mean and judgmental when I passionately rant about a particular topic?

    and he was like, yes, especially then.

    You can be loved for everything you are, even for the parts you don’t like about yourself.

    but I hope you can learn to LOVE those parts of yourself, or maybe just put a positive spin on them.

    for example,

    I’m absent-minded, but that’s what makes me so interesting! I’m always thinking about so much or just “feeling and being” that I sometimes “forget” important things. but my idealism is what inspires people! or my forgetfulness brings out the compassionate side in people!

    however you can spin it so you learn to love it!


  127.  #127Tam on September 27, 2012 at 11:27 am

    I feel happy. My bags are packed, I treated my parents to a meal at a restaurant ( difficult but ok evening) and I feel at peace.
    There were some icky moments when I felt interrogated and there was disapproval but I dodged it by being open and expressing myself authentically.
    I feel really happy and hopeful for my future. There are CD’s waiting for me, my friends waiting for me and possibly MrP.
    The world is my oyster, I feel free and courageous. 🙂

  128.  #128Femininewoman on September 27, 2012 at 11:29 am

    aaaaawww Tam

    I wish you love, joy and happiness on your adventure.

  129.  #129Femininewoman on September 27, 2012 at 11:32 am

    I feel so triggered reading “Pining is romantic’

    It feels like my head swelling with pressure build up Then my nose feels tingly. I feel my throat tightening up and like I want to yell and scream. Then I notice headachey feelings in my forehead and gurgly movements in my stomach. I feel like I want to stomp and scream and throw a tantrum.

  130.  #130Iamabutterfly on September 27, 2012 at 11:33 am

    @126 Iamabutterfly – yes, I am commenting on my own comment!

    wow. I feel so confused and curious.

    what exactly was my guy engaged friend trying to tell me?

    that he loves me?
    and I can’t hear it for some reason?

    he said one of the most romantic things anyone has ever said to me,

    “I wouldn’t change a thing about you.”

    but I don’t think I want to marry him.
    I don’t think it’s because I feel scared of intimacy, either.

    I do feel thankful for his love, though.
    Whatever kind of love that is…

    It feels like the kind of love that is greater than romantic love…

    I do believe in a love greater than romantic love…

    it’s the love that is patient and kind. doesn’t envy or boast. isn’t arrogant or rude. doesn’t insist on its own way. is not irritable or resentful. it does not rejoice in wrong-doing. but rejoices with the truth.

    This kind of love
    bears all things
    endures all things
    hopes all things
    believes all things

    This kind of love
    never fails

    Now I know in part,
    but then I will know fully,
    as I am fully known.

    Now these three remain:
    faith, hope, and love.

    But the greatest of these is love.

    Yes, everyone. I believe in a love greater than romance. greater than parent love.

    greater than all love…

  131.  #131Belle on September 27, 2012 at 11:34 am


    Black Swan is by Susan Anderson
    It was interesting to notice where I went into resistance and arguing while reading it…
    at one point, I thought, “Why would she do that/believe that/think that? That doesn’t even make sense..”I” would have done (blah blah )” and some other voice finally said very gently, “can you just accept that she did?” and I felt settled down.
    It was as if it was reflecting to me where I was in denial about some aspects of my inner world.

    Once I was done with the book and it had some time to digest, I could see exactly where I had done exactly what I was resisting in the character, where I had made choices or came to conclusions that made no sense, were not rational.

  132.  #132Dominique on September 27, 2012 at 11:34 am

    Rebecca – And maybe your absentmindedness is a sign of your genius. You have SO much which is interesting, exciting, all of these fun thoughts going on at once, it can feel so easy t be distracted by them.

    This is how I choose to look at my own absentmindedness. And I drop things a lot of the time too.

    If you find though that these thoughts veer to the anxiety end of the spectrum, how about redirecting them.


  133.  #133Tam on September 27, 2012 at 11:35 am

    Thank you FW!! I will check in now and then 🙂

  134.  #134MissStix on September 27, 2012 at 11:35 am

    Hmmm so she was talking to someone else. Mmm this feels good though because her post resonated with me. Yes. I do feel that way/think that way. Ok this is ALL good…I love this gross icky feeling too.I am learning from it. I love all my feelings. Yes I do! I love all my thoughts too. Thoughts bring feelings too. And yes I think “trigger” and “response” and feeling” but I also think “this is too simple. Far too simple.”
    I have trigger, then thought, then feeling, and how does that feeling feel? How does it manifest. What does the feeling look like? What colour is it? Texture? What word is it? What colour is the word? Texture? What action do I want to take, and does this action feel…Free, easy, difficult, is it a head action focus or a body action focus? And…What words do I want to release? And how do those words feel?

    It is very complex there in my brain and that feels bubbly funny. It says “Hey stix, guess what? You get you!” Hooray! and I throw my arms in the air and grin!!!

  135.  #135The more I pull back- the more Distant he seems? on September 27, 2012 at 11:37 am

    Hi Rori, I am in a bind & just don’t know what to do, even with all the tools I’ve used. I met & started dating this wonderful man for the last 10 months who has showered me with nothing but attention, affection, and connected with me in a way no other has in a long time. Yet, he is very afraid of having a serious relationship & commitment from our conversations. He has never been in a long-term relationship for more than 1.5-2 years and he is in his early 40’s. Just recently & out of the blue when we were starting to get closer, he told me that he’s afraid that he can’t give me what it is I want- a long-term committed realtionship and eventually marriage. That he doesn’t think that is his path and is unsure of what he wants. I was broken hearted and asked if he wanted to end things right then & there- but instead he broke down crying & for the first time told me how much he loves me, cares about me, & how wonderful of a woman I am & how he wants to make me happy, but doesn’t know why he feels this way. We both cried, but I ended up leaving that night. I told him I was looking for real love and someone willing to take a risk on love for me and that perhaps we need some time apart & a break until we felt ready to talk again. We didn’t communicate for about over 2 weeks- until he sent me a very neutral email to see how I was doing. I told him was ready to talk, so we agreed to meet. He told me that he has never given his heart to anyone and he doesn’t know why. I told him how I felt- focusing on what I want & my feelings- to feel loved by someone I can trust, etc. He heard me out- but was quiet & a bit distant at first. I told him I was okay with whatever he decides- breaking up for good right then & there, or if he wanted to still try things & continue dating- that was okay, he could take his time, but I’ll be keeping my options open & will date others too in meantime since he’s on the fence. I went away for the weekend camping on my own as I already had it planned for while. However, after we talked again on phone when I came back, I feel he is becoming more distant. He’s pleasant, but so far not as affectionate or sweet, & seems to be more guarded. I am the one who pulled back initially & told him that I will not wait around for him & will start to date others, but it seems that the more that I pull back, the more distant he becomes. He is calling less (not more) & not using our pet nicknames, or calling me baby or anything. I try to be as happy and upbeat and tell him about all the things I have going on for myself. In meantime, I have tried to talk with & start meeting other men, so I do feel more confident already. Anyhow, earlier this week he has asked to hang out with me this weekend. I told him I was already busy Friday night with dinner plans ( which I truly do have plans with a friend) but that I was free Saturday. He asked me to go with him to his friend’s gathering on Saturday night – and that he would also join me at my friend’s house-warming during the day ( very much a couple’s activity). Yesterday was his birthday, so I called to wish him happy birthday, but he didn’t call me back until end of the day and he seemed a bit tired, or distant/ uninterested in the conversation. He told me his friend’s thing was cancelled, but asked if I want to watch a movie with him at his place instead after we come back from my friend’s thing. I said yes. But, I am starting to feel a bit anxious and nervous as this is our first time back together in about a month since we took a break & then started talked again. I want to enjoy the present moment with him, have fun, be loving and be open to affection but not sure if that’s the best thing to do or if I should continue to keep my own distance. I ESPECIALLY Do NOT KNOW what to do about being intimate with him again this Saturday. We’re in a shady grey area where we’re still together “trying things out” but we are not really solid & there is no real commitment from him yet. I feel I could be okay being intimate and want to, but what if that complicates things, or if I don’t stay the night with him- will it actually make things more awkward and push him away even farther because I’m pulling away so much? I want to tell him that I just want to enjoy our time together, be in the present moment, no stress/ pressure right now because I’m not worried about the outcome of what happens down the road as I know whatever is meant to be is meant to be. Help…?

  136.  #136Iamabutterfly on September 27, 2012 at 11:39 am

    @132 Dominique – yes, thank you, this feels brilliant and resonates with me.

    Rebecca, my dad is one of the most brilliant men I know. He is an out-standing writer, thinker, philosopher, and communicator. he speaks two languages fluently and perfectly. his grammatical mastery of these two languages completely blows my (and many native speakers!) minds.

    and he is one of the most absent-minded people I know.

    and I love and respect him deeply!

    please don’t beat yourself up for your absent-mindedness. You are precious and worthy of so much more love than you could ever imagine.

  137.  #137MissStix on September 27, 2012 at 11:40 am

    And when I get home my brain will say “hello boy!” hmmm and what can I feel around you today? and how can I love it? And oh…Am I playing with fire? no no. Any man can fall madly and deeply in love with me.It’s cool. I know exactly how to feel that and release it. Oh yes. If you fall madly and deeply in love with me boy…It’s cool.

  138.  #138Tam on September 27, 2012 at 11:41 am

    This post really resonates with me. I step away from pain and past into the future, this feels sooo good.

  139.  #139MissStix on September 27, 2012 at 11:42 am

    oh and I think I can’t wait to write out what I felt around you. Mmmm hmmm oh yes. It will taste delicious I think. We will see….

  140.  #140Laughing Goddess on September 27, 2012 at 11:51 am

    Mmmm, just had a fun morning date with my guy and just finished a yummy, yummy breakfast that he made for us…

    Scrambled eggs w/ feta cheese on an English muffin. Simple but it tasted sooooo good. I feel satisfied.

    Haven’t really caught up on things here, just did some quick skimming. I feel surprised (but not totally) to see my screen name being criticized. Part of me want to go into explaining mode about why I chose that name and part of me feels like, why bother? People are gonna think what they wanna think. What’s that term? Confirmation bias?

    Gonna keep smiling anyway.

  141.  #141Laughing Goddess on September 27, 2012 at 11:52 am

    Dominique 131

    Love this!

  142.  #142Annie on September 27, 2012 at 11:57 am

    Goddess lily we could give our opinion on what we would write from our perspective if it were us experiencing those things and our truth and our feelings.
    That is not your truth or your feelings or where you are at though.

    So what is your truth and your feelings on these issues.

    What do you think about using the tools writing your truth and tweaking and tweaking until it feels right for you to say?

  143.  #143Belle on September 27, 2012 at 12:03 pm

    I feel good about me
    I feel GOOD about me
    It’s all about me right now and I feel good
    in my heart just

    I learned my lesson
    I bless my sisters

    Sirens, don’t you think it would feel really really good if you and your man were having problems and he started sniffing around some chick talking “friends” and wanting a shoulder to cry on
    wouldn’t it feel good to know a woman’s got your back, refused to give him her number and sent him on his way with a prayer dedicated to the two of you?? With your name all written in black and white so there’s no pretending like you aren’t a real live human being who probably really loves her man despite his sad story???

    (I doubt he’ll have the guts to show it to her because then he might have to explain how he was whining about their problems to me but so be it, I played my part.)

    I know I know
    it’s probably a no-brainer for a lot of you
    I was raised to believe I was trash
    and I acted like trash
    I know better now and I love and honor and cherish my sisters and
    and am feeling
    in my HEART

  144.  #144Annie on September 27, 2012 at 12:04 pm

    34: Goddess says:

    “Do I express in fms how I felt when I saw my work ex flirting with another coworker or am I supposed to let it go?

    Once again, I am asking for feedback.”

    Only if he approaches you initiates conversation and it is the moment and in the flow.

  145.  #145Annie on September 27, 2012 at 12:05 pm

    An example would be if he initiated conversation and you then expresses how talking to him was making you feel in a n expressive and authentic way for you.

  146.  #146Iamabutterfly on September 27, 2012 at 12:06 pm

    @131 – Thank you, Belle. I was reading through the amazon reviews, and the reviewers all seemed to unanmously (sp?) agree that the journey from Heartbreak to Connection is her best book. Have you read that one by any chance?

  147.  #147Iamabutterfly on September 27, 2012 at 12:10 pm

    @ 142 Belle – Holy crap, Belle. I feel so extremely connected to you.

    “don’t you think it would feel really really good if you and your man were having problems and he started sniffing around some chick talking “friends” and wanting a shoulder to cry on
    wouldn’t it feel good to know a woman’s got your back, refused to give him her number and sent him on his way with a prayer dedicated to the two of you?? With your name all written in black and white so there’s no pretending like you aren’t a real live human being who probably really loves her man despite his sad story???”

    I have felt this way so many times. I don’t believe in “man-stealing.” I do believe in a kind of romantic integrity, if that even makes sense.

    I hate it when women try to “steal” men from me, or when “taken” men “feel me out” to see what they can get away with. I hate it so so so much. It feels NASTY. It feels AWFUL.


  148.  #148Goddess Lily on September 27, 2012 at 12:26 pm

    Belle and Iama,

    I concur 100%. I felt awful when I found out my friend had agreed to have us meet up with a man that was already taken and she knew ahead of time. I was still trying to practice tools while we say across from him and his friend but I couldn’t help feeling angry while in the situation. Angry at him for being there but more angry at her since she is an otherwise insecure woman herself. I knew she wouldn’t want her man to do that so why was she there being the other woman? I just felt gross the while time.

  149.  #149Goddess Lily on September 27, 2012 at 12:26 pm

    Belle and Iama,

    I concur 100%. I felt awful when I found out my friend had agreed to have us meet up with a man that was already taken and she knew ahead of time. I was still trying to practice tools while we say across from him and his friend but I couldn’t help feeling angry while in the situation. Angry at him for being there but more angry at her since she is an otherwise insecure woman herself. I knew she wouldn’t want her man to do that so why was she there being the other woman? I just felt gross the while time.

  150.  #150Rebecca on September 27, 2012 at 12:26 pm

    @134: Iamabutterfly

    Wow, that resonates with me too. In fact I was just thinking along the same lines regarding my own father.

    Me and him were weirdly similar, and he suffered chronic anxiety and depression. It was heartbreaking to watch. I feel I am incredibly similar to him. Scary.

    Lol, it feels weird making the connection. I fear I may have a fatalist attitude to everything.

  151.  #151Rebecca on September 27, 2012 at 12:27 pm

    @131: Dominique

    What a great comment. I’m gonna read it a few more times till it sinks in!

  152.  #152Laughing Goddess on September 27, 2012 at 12:27 pm

    Mel 65

    What came to mind when I read your post is that the most supportive thing might be to just keep things normal, as in dont treat him any different than you normally would. Maybe be his anchor to what life is like when this family stress isn’t in play…the light at the end of the tunnel.

    How does that feel?

  153.  #153Iamabutterfly on September 27, 2012 at 12:31 pm

    @149 (((((((Rebecca))))))) – I understand. My mom and I are very similar in very sad ways. My heart breaks for her pain, and I share so much of the same pain.

  154.  #154Iamabutterfly on September 27, 2012 at 12:49 pm

    @148 Goddess Lily – i completely understand. We women have to trust and support each other. We play such a huge part in nuturing and healing this broken world. We have such power, such gifts. It feels wrong to backstab and steal and cheat. Do unto others as you would have done to you, as the saying goes…

  155.  #155bloom-ing on September 27, 2012 at 12:53 pm

    laughing goddess, i feel surprised to read that you heard other posts “criticized” your screen name….. to me, felt more just like an idea, an association, a memory being shared…. a little, “oh ! i think i just got something (about myself)”… mm what do you think? & actually i felt grateful to read that “hint” maybe where i was “going wrong” in my interpretations & actually i felt inspired to go back & re-read some of your comments later when i have time to see how my unconscious filters may be affecting what i’m reading…

  156.  #156Belle on September 27, 2012 at 12:54 pm

    I wonder if we are looking at different sites somehow? I only see one review that preferred the other book…at any rate, I haven’t read it so I can’t compare.

  157.  #157bloom-ing on September 27, 2012 at 12:56 pm

    & also i agree with daria in that i respect & admire you & feel excited & happy to see you & hear you…. when i used to lurklurk on the blog, i felt catching sight of you was like a unicorn : ))) so magical !!!!! yay : )

    & also also i feel curious to read whatever you want to write to me after your post was definitively obliterated by the Universe lol : )

  158.  #158Femininewoman on September 27, 2012 at 12:56 pm

    And the way to live with negative feelings that pushes a man away is to RESIST them.
    The way to live with negative feelings that BRINGS A MAN CLOSER is to FEEL them.
    And that doesn’t just mean just feeling them for a moment and then moving on to something else to distract ourselves…

    It means FULLY FEELING your feelings by SINKING INTO them.
    And the way to live with negative feelings that pushes a man away is to RESIST them.
    The way to live with negative feelings that BRINGS A MAN CLOSER is to FEEL them.
    And that doesn’t just mean just feeling them for a moment and then moving on to something else to distract ourselves…
    It means FULLY FEELING your feelings by SINKING INTO them.


  159.  #159Iamabutterfly on September 27, 2012 at 12:58 pm

    @155 Belle – hey, Belle. I was reading the reviews for the Black Swan. the one negative review referred me to another book with 4.5 out of 5 stars, which led me to another book which got 5 out of 5 stars. Ideally, if I were to buy a book, I’d only like to buy one.

    just felt curious.


  160.  #160Emoticon on September 27, 2012 at 1:21 pm

    1 question, has anyone ever met someone on CL and how did it go?

    well 2 questions lol

  161.  #161Daria on September 27, 2012 at 1:21 pm

    im back from the CD i feel so unworthy!

    ack rolling my eyes

    it felt nice

    i feel so insecure around some guys here


  162.  #162Daria on September 27, 2012 at 1:24 pm

    im thinking he’s turned off by me saying i smoke mj in cali everynite


    that hes judging me in his head my cousins voice is saying that

    tho hes telling me he smoked too and has even done stuff i wouldnt


    i feel so insecure

    great practice to feel insecure about this like i usually do with people who dont have the same ways as me

    so im gonnna practice sinking into these feelings of insecurity

  163.  #163Daria on September 27, 2012 at 1:26 pm

    i feel all sad that i dont know how ‘market’ my great points here

    i even went out wearing somethign conservative and not that sexy cuz it was comfy

    i feel way not good enough

    i feel like this :/ and panicked or something

    i feel like pushign it all away

  164.  #164Daria on September 27, 2012 at 1:26 pm

    he was great tho. handsome and interesting and a gentleman

  165.  #165Daria on September 27, 2012 at 1:27 pm

    i miss the ways of men ive dated where i can tell theyre into me

    or i can just assume tehyre into me cuz ‘everyone’s into me’ is a given

  166.  #166Femininewoman on September 27, 2012 at 1:32 pm

    Michelle – you are missing the point here….when he said “You’ve been quiet” – you took that as a request to initiate more – and he DIDN’T SAY THAT! We women get ourselves into trouble when we try to INTERPRET what a man says. He merely commented that you’d been quiet. How do you know he didn’t LIKE that?!!! This kind of moment is your opportunity to use feeling messages – Oh, It feels good to hear your voice, and I just don’t feel good reaching out to men. It feels much better to just let you run how things go. It feels great to me to just lay back on my couch and sip tea and see what happens…” Anything like that.

    The moment you started leaning forward, you created a new dynamic. Do NOT call a man (unless he ASKS you to call to confirm something or other)! There is nothing for yu to share – you’ve only had 6 dates – and he’s pretty much telling you directly that he’s done. He’s lost interest. There’s NOTHING you can do at this point that wouldn’t make it worse. Just leanback, Circular Date, meet and date other men.

    Also – do NOT go to a man’s place if you can help it! You have NO power there! Love, Rori

  167.  #167FlowerChild77 on September 27, 2012 at 1:32 pm

    I am WAY behind on reading the blog, here…but, today’s words from Rori are just exactly what I needed to hear.

    About a month ago, I had started to ‘turn a corner’ in moving past the pain of losing my best friend, soul mate and partner (fiance) in April. I’m not “over” it, but I was doing better—after four months of pure hell. I was finally swimming, losing some weight, eating healthy and FEELING good more often. It was a process. I was galloping slowly, but I was on my horse.

    Then….my oldest son (32) got in the car accident (August 29th) and everything (progress, feeling good, my journey) pretty much flew out the window and here I am, again….trying to move somewhere….anywhere…away from this pain.

    We purchased the plot last week and today and tomorrow we (my younger son and I) are figuring out what goes on the stone. I am having their father’s ashes moved (from another city about 40 miles away) so they can be buried together.

    This is excruciatingly painful, plain and simple. I am fearful that I may have to lump ‘all of this’ into “the past” in order to move on in any significant way. And yes…baby steps are significant <3

    I STILL do not want to take anti-depressants to get through this. I think I can. I think I can. I think I can…

  168.  #168Femininewoman on September 27, 2012 at 1:34 pm

    And yes you CAN hold in your feelings – because you have TONS of feelings, and you don’t need to express every one of them – you get to pick the good-feeling ones if you can, and carefully construct what you say around the rest. Stop contacting him. Stop trying to get anything across to him. If he asks why you don’t call, say it doesn’t feel good to chase him by phone, and it feels good to let him lead the communicating, and that it feels great to hear his voice when he calls.” NO making him wrong! Later on, if you’re really getting ready to talk about being in a relationship (this isn’t one yet) – that’s when you get to talk about “being on the same page” – it’s all in Love Scripts.

    Love, Rori

  169.  #169Femininewoman on September 27, 2012 at 1:35 pm

    FlowerChild aaahhhh

    shock relief

  170.  #170Daria on September 27, 2012 at 1:35 pm

    im just gonna forget about him now

    i feel all ‘asky for permission ‘ now after the self doubting thing earlier

    i miss my more stronger self

    i feel all sad and worthless

  171.  #171Daria on September 27, 2012 at 1:36 pm

    he really liked and admired that i want to move to brazil and build an natural house there

  172.  #172Daria on September 27, 2012 at 1:37 pm

    it feels great to me to just lay back on my bed, and sip tea/read and write online, and see what happens

  173.  #173Daria on September 27, 2012 at 1:38 pm

    ((((Flower Child))))

  174.  #174Femininewoman on September 27, 2012 at 1:40 pm


  175.  #175Iamabutterfly on September 27, 2012 at 1:42 pm


  176.  #176Tam on September 27, 2012 at 1:56 pm

    Flowerchild. I admire you.

  177.  #177Mel on September 27, 2012 at 1:58 pm

    Thanks ladies!

    Re: 150- good idea LG! If I think he’s perfectly capable of solving this (and I do) then MY attitude should stay consistently cheerful and positive as usual. I’ll listen if he wants to talk, but otherwise things are just normal.

    That was what I was leaning toward, but for some reason, I was feeling a little guilty about it. Like, oh, I shouldn’t let him pay for dinner after such a crazy hard day… but I’m glad I did. He seemed happy to do it; no guilt Mel. He wants normal. Of course! Normal and a cute and sympathetic girl to talk to when he needs it. 🙂

  178.  #178Daria on September 27, 2012 at 2:01 pm

    haha I did a 2 min confidence hypnosis and im feeling HAPPY and smiling again hahaha

  179.  #179Starla on September 27, 2012 at 2:03 pm

    I feel all loved and special

    My boss took us out for lunch and he pressured me to eat cheesecake. It was cute.

  180.  #180LiliBee on September 27, 2012 at 2:04 pm



    You KNOW you can. Sending you huuuge loving vibes.

  181.  #181Turquoise on September 27, 2012 at 2:06 pm

    This is one of those articles that really resonates with me, and ill come back to. It gave me much to ponder, cinsider and feel through. Wow.

    We are all home sick today. Its easier for me to feel vulnerable when i dont feel 100% or “on”, in public. I am going to remember these feelings and try to put myself here when i lack vulnerability.

    I actually feel somewhat overwhelmed withbso many meaningful posts and all the self relevation ive read here today. I feel humbled on my journey to always love myself and to love all of someone else, not just the good points or what i feel is good for me.

    Iamabutterfly, i too believe that there are other important relationships than romantic or familial love.

  182.  #182Daria on September 27, 2012 at 2:09 pm

    this guy i met like 3 years ago in LA got married to this girl i think he was in love with then (he had a gf ) but he kept talking about this woman, how she was the love of his life (not his gf) and how he’ll never be able to get her back etc

    i guess he did! wow! good for him hehe i feel happy

  183.  #183Turquoise on September 27, 2012 at 2:20 pm

    Ok, I switched over to the laptop from the nook, too hard to post on there 🙂

    Iamabutterfly, what I was trying to say is that romances will come and go in our lives, but hopefully we’ll meet a lot of quality people along the way and while there may be many amazing men who could be “the one” ultimately, we’ll choose just one. I don’t feel I need to limit my amazing relationships, or not give love to other relationships, or even keep those relationships, just because he isn’t the love of my life. People have value. People have so much value. I love having people close to me. Maybe being from such a large family, I’m the youngest of 7, my parents are both from large families, I have tons of nephews and a beautiful niece, and many inlaws that I truly love. I cannot imagine having a small family or just a few people around me, so I am open to keeping relationships open to people that I value and enjoy, but who may not be the one.

    I’m not sure why all those thoughts came through my mind when you asked about offering condolences to an ex, but they did. It really meant a lot to me when an ex that I dated a long time, exclusively, but it ended badly with, reached out to me to offer his sincere condolences when my sister died. I really appreciated it, and it felt that my loss superceded the somewhat petty ending of our relationship more than a year before.

    It is ok to lean forward when you have no expectations, don’t want anything in return. I’ve heard Dominique say this.

  184.  #184Daria on September 27, 2012 at 2:25 pm

    Daria im letting you know its ok to ask for help. its ok to ask for reassurance when you feel confused, and its ok to ask Rori or a man to intercede for you when you don’t feel safe

    asking for help will not cripple you, it will oepn to you teh world of help out there

    in my opinion you did a great job

    and you rock and maybe it woudl be good for you to not answer ppl’s questions or doubts about your process

    ANd i love your cussing and swearing and saying fuch8kin stuff. its so beautifully dramatic unique and brave..

    and its so cool when people get triggered and attack u. can you see how this is just a reafirming of your power>?

    you are so rocking and so powerful and just dont feed into that sad vibe, no matter ho confused or whatever it seems on the outside

    you dont have to keep brining yourself back to sad emotions when you feel happy. shoot its awesome to keep truning to the postiive

    keep trusting yourself youre on the right track

    i can tell youre going through a great transformation of loving and being comforable with even more of yourself

    get ready for amazing stuff coming your way

  185.  #185Starla on September 27, 2012 at 2:26 pm

    I’ve been lovin on me so much lately
    I’ve got some new, pricey beauty rituals, but I just love it, and I don’t care if I end up having to cut my budget in other places.

    I’ve been getting these awesome facials that make my skin look amazing and they are soooooo relaxing

    I’ve got a great place for brazilian waxes and i love the results and how awesome having it all waxed off makes me feel

    I’ve been getting all my unwanted body/facial hair lasered off (can’t do the bikini zone cuz my hair is too light for the laser to seek out, sad).

    I’m in the gym and in great shape

    I get my hair professionally dyed and it looks great

    Next I’ll be getting my teeth whitened and some eyelash extensions on. I can’t wait!

    I feel so glamorous and worth it these days.

  186.  #186Turquoise on September 27, 2012 at 2:27 pm

    Starla, people who complain or seem negative drain me, I will admit that. I try to give the benefit of the doubt, maybe having a hard day, don’t feel well, etc. but if it keeps up, I really do feel a physical draining of energy and I try to limit those relationships, or how much time I give to them.

    With that said though, yikes… if my CD told me he almost fell down the stairs and got hurt, I would respond with warmth and concern, probably something like, ohmygosh, are you ok? Or even an ouch! 🙁

    I struggle here though with being maternal and that being a turn off. I feel uncertain what is ok to share and what gives the mommy vibe. Or when it’s “too much”

  187.  #187MissStix on September 27, 2012 at 2:37 pm


  188.  #188Turquoise on September 27, 2012 at 2:38 pm

    Flowerchild, my heart hurts so deeply for you. It truly does. It seems so unfair that people suffer such deep loss, often tragically at the same time. When my sister died, her husband’s mother died the week before. He couldn’t even go to the funeral a few hours away because he was afraid of leaving his wife.

    But to lose your child, I don’t know how we survive that pain. To move beyond and put it behind us. My parents now losing two children, I can say, they have gone on, found joy in life, but that pain is still with them.

    The difference is, you are here learning and growing and wanting to heal your hurt and be ok, which you should be, because you deserve to be happy and love yourself, and your life. I hope that there is something or someone beautiful and amazing in your near future. I want that so much for you.

  189.  #189Turquoise on September 27, 2012 at 2:40 pm

    Starla, I’m so happy to hear about your beauty rituals! AND, that you haven’t thrown your budget out the window to have them. I’m very inspired with all the changes I’ve seen in you the past year. Wow, you are such a siren! 🙂

  190.  #190Turquoise on September 27, 2012 at 2:45 pm

    Daria, how long will you be in Romania? How does it feel being in your homeland with men of your culture? Does it feel much different than dating in California? I’m truly curious, as I’ve always been curious about dating someone from another country. I lived in Germany for almost 3 years, but was with my ex husband then, didn’t even really notice other men.

  191.  #191Starla on September 27, 2012 at 2:48 pm

    i unblocked him to see if he was doing okay, and he said yes it’s no big deal. then i sent a little hug to him, and his response was to complain about how itchy his nose is (he pierced his septum a month ago).




  192.  #192MissStix on September 27, 2012 at 2:49 pm

    I am hiding out because the feelings were BIG. Eeeek shower and hide stix!! No no…I am coming out of hiding right now to feel these feelings.

  193.  #193Starla on September 27, 2012 at 2:49 pm

    i’m seriously starting to feel like dumping him.

  194.  #194Daria on September 27, 2012 at 2:51 pm

    Turqoise – well, its bringing up old insecurities after this date, but i seem to have done a 180 on it right now yay!

    im feeling a bit untouched 🙁

    its also triggering old fears – and i havent been online meeting men due to that

  195.  #195Daria on September 27, 2012 at 2:52 pm

    im here till october 18th

    i feel so excited to get back and smoke some mj and get some massages

  196.  #196MissStix on September 27, 2012 at 2:54 pm

    Oh…Gone. hehehe that’s what I get for hiding when I had an opportunity to sink in and practice! doh! I feel giggly and shy.

  197.  #197Laughing Goddess on September 27, 2012 at 2:54 pm


    Was he like this before the diet? Do you think his negative attitude has to do with having chronic low blood sugar?

    Just curious

  198.  #198MissStix on September 27, 2012 at 2:55 pm

    omgosh like a schoolgirl with a crush! Whaaaaaat? :O ladidah stix! what’s up with you?

    Not much just chillin.

    No you’re not chillin! You’re all hot and rosy…Funny girl. It’s just a boy!

  199.  #199Laughing Goddess on September 27, 2012 at 2:56 pm


    I’m having a hard time finding the words to express all the emotions I am feeling regarding your situation.

    Please just know that I feel lots of love, support, and belief in you.

  200.  #200Daria on September 27, 2012 at 2:56 pm

    i feel way more peaceful here tho in some ways

  201.  #201Starla on September 27, 2012 at 2:57 pm

    i just told him “tell me something good.” i don’t even know what that exactly means but i figured i’d ask for what i want, good stuff.

    wow i am feeling this overwhelming urge for moving away from this guy.

    i want to be around positive men

    i noticed they all complain all the time

  202.  #202Starla on September 27, 2012 at 2:57 pm

    omg, he said “my stomach hurts from lunch”
    in response.


  203.  #203Daria on September 27, 2012 at 2:57 pm

    this date was particularly triggering as it was a ‘fix up’ blind date. ive never had one like that, i usually go on dates with men that ask me out cuz they like me

  204.  #204Starla on September 27, 2012 at 2:59 pm

    now he’s saying he got me something for my first mountain climb that we’re doing this sunday

    he’s teasing me and giving me hints but refusing to tell me what it is

    this feels much better

  205.  #205Turquoise on September 27, 2012 at 3:01 pm

    Daria, you know you are amazing and beautiful and talented, he’s just one guy, and some guys are so blind, or so specific in what they want, they can’t be open to someone different, which I feel different is special. Can you even imagine how boring life would be if there weren’t soooo many different kinds of souls out there? I have not always been open to differences, in fact I was probably kind of rigid…. but spending so much time with Mr. Conversation, who’s slogan (if he had one) would be I’m open to anything! Has opened my eyes.

  206.  #206Laughing Goddess on September 27, 2012 at 3:02 pm


    Thanks for asking me directly if there is something going on for me. I feel good about being approached directly.

    I’m still processing and sinking into my feelings about it.

    I’m noticing that I do have some resistance towards interacting do to a boundary I have around physical violence.

    I grew up seeing my mom and step siblings get physically abused by my stepfather and I made a boundary for myself back then that even people who suggest that they feel like hitting me are not allowed in my energetic bubble. It has served me well as the statistics are high that children who grew up with that will recreate that in their adult lives, and I haven’t…which I feel infinitely grateful for.

    So that’s what is coming up for me at the moment.

    There is more but I’m still sorting it all out and getting clear.

  207.  #207Laughing Goddess on September 27, 2012 at 3:03 pm

    edit: due to a boundary

  208.  #208MissStix on September 27, 2012 at 3:03 pm

    ohhhhhhh nooooo…Not gone 🙂

    Hahaha I am laughing so hard at me!!!

    Oh lordy…Too much!

    It feels so jittery and jumbly and I can’t talk and my palms feel moist and…Bless him he tries to engage me and get me talking.

    Oh this is so perfect! Exactly what I need. More please!

  209.  #209MissStix on September 27, 2012 at 3:05 pm

    I feel so nervous funny smiley and I spilled pop all down my chin during this convo. Giggle giggle giggle.

  210.  #210Femininewoman on September 27, 2012 at 3:06 pm

    Line from a song Tell me Somethng Good

  211.  #211MissStix on September 27, 2012 at 3:08 pm

    And I felt like…”oh no! now you’re running from me because i’n a jumbly mess of a girl and I know it’s fricken cute and weird.”

    and G says to me when I do stuff like this:

    “This is why I have you around lady!”

    Hehe and that feels like….Warm and whoosh and Oh!!! You like me around because I AM ME! Yay! 🙂

  212.  #212Annie on September 27, 2012 at 3:09 pm

    I have still not healed from this.
    I am not angry about it but am still fairly irritated.
    I am back with the same issue and cycle of being misquoted and then made to look like I have said something that I didn’t actually say.

    I really do not know what to do apart from not engage with people who do that to me as I don’t want to feel irritated and I have no control over them doing that.

    I know it is not entirely personal as they do this to others. I do feel goaded though. Is that even a feeling? Gosh what would the feeling be for that. I don’t know.

    Getting called lots of stuff, mmm not nice, well yes I am not always nice as it is sometimes in my best interest to be nicer to myself rather than do what the other person wants so I nicer to them than myself.
    My health and my finances are more important than other peoples profits and me not appearing nice to them or others.
    So if that is their perception I guess I am able to understand it and accept that they don’t think I am very nice and selfish.

    Still do not like my words being misquoted though.
    And really don’t want to keep defending myself and reiterating this fact. And feeling pulled into arguing and defending.

    How does one effectively stand up for oneself in those circumstances.
    I don’t want to appear like I am running away.
    I want to stand my ground without getting dragged into endless pointless out reasoning.

  213.  #213Annie on September 27, 2012 at 3:10 pm

    It feels too draining on my energy.
    It drags me down, when I want to be lifted up.

  214.  #214Starla on September 27, 2012 at 3:16 pm

    i just need a lot more positive attention from Warrior if things are going to move in any direction, whether it’s sexually or relationship-wise.

    when he gives it to me, i feel like a thirsty fern. like yes yes please i’m so thirsty.

    but words aren’t really his style.

    i felt so excited to hear he got me a gift.

    then he said he thinks i’m beautiful

    i felt like i won the lottery hearing that.

    and that’s kind of sad. i want to hear i’m beautiful and appreciated every day. not once every couple of weeks.

  215.  #215MissStix on September 27, 2012 at 3:22 pm

    tell me thatcha like it…Yeahhhhhh

    oh I like that song!


    oh my seriously! This is too good! I can’t make eye contact. Yes I can! Can can can can.

    It took me over a year to be able to HOLD eye contact with G. Hmmmmm hmmmmm hmmmmmm omg over a year!!! Really??? Yep yep. Oh but I can do it now though! SO?!? Can’t do it with others apparently…

    Grrrr head voice! I feel annoyed now. Oh but thats AMAZING because this annoyance is my motive. Yes! mmmm make eye contact! Hold it. mmmhmmm feel it! ok. I will then. I feel determined like a bull charging forward!

    Woah woah slow down now. And wait till you’re out of your ‘bull’ energy! Big brown raging bull! grrr so determined. But you are not a dam bull stix. Feel giggly now! No no not a bull. Not in this facet of my life anyways.

    Omg I feel so yellow and baby blue today. So goooood!

  216.  #216Turquoise on September 27, 2012 at 3:25 pm

    Yuck Starla, that would not work for me. I wonder if you share how you are feeling if he’d accept that and work to change it. Mr. Conversation has pointed out some things to me that he doesn’t like about how I act, while reassuring how amazing, wonderful, kind, loving, smart, and talented I am, that when I hear something I don’t like I get pouty or b1tchy. I didn’t like hearing it at first, but really, I just told myself, well…. I’m half latin, I have a temper, I am a Sagittarius, a fire sign… if you don’t love all of me, then you get none of me… well, yikes, that isn’t going to get me anywhere. It’s not a part of me I even like about myself. So, while it wasn’t pleasant to hear, I did take it to heart and am working on holding that negative thought or comment in, and finding a better way to express it, without sarcasm or tone. I appreciate that he shared that with me. Because he said that, I’ve been able to share things that I don’t like as well, and how it makes me feel, and he has done a wonderful job or really listening to me, apologizing where appropriate, but best of all, not doing it again.

    For example, he invited me over one night and had just gotten a new cell phone. He kept playing with the phone, texting, checking email… and I felt ignored. BUT, instead of sharing that in a feeling way, I got snippy, grabbed my phone and said, fine, if you are going to be on your phone, I’ll be on mine, and stuck my tongue out at him. Which, I excused with that I was half joking, or he deserved it… but what the heck, surely was a better way to handle it. When he got frustrated with me, I felt like HE was wrong, said I’d leave, which he replied he knew I’d say that… ugh. I ended up leaving the room and then coming back to talk to him about it, but still feeling like he was the more wrong one. I wasn’t being psycho (which was an over reaction on his part) but we talked it through enough that night to move beyond it, let it go and enjoy the night. It wasn’t until I spent some time seeing my part, feeling what I truly felt in that moment, which was ignored and unimportant, that I felt honest with myself about it. The next night he shared with me that in doing the same, he saw he was wrong, that I was right to be upset, but could have stated it in a better way, like… hey, you invited me over and I’m feeling ignored. He also kept his phone in his pocket the whole night. (he pointed that out to me too… that it was intentional, to show me that he knew he was wrong and our time together was more important. he said that he was just so excited about his phone, wanting to figure it all out, and was embarrassed to admit he spent 5 hours playing with it.

    My long drawn out point here… is that if we hadn’t talked about the trigger for both of us there, we may have just said forget it and walked away. So, maybe if you share how that feels for you… he’ll do something about it! 🙂

  217.  #217LiliBee on September 27, 2012 at 3:27 pm

    I’m crying my eyes out.
    I feel so sad, alone and empty 🙁

    I feel like a people repellent right now.

  218.  #218FlowerChild77 on September 27, 2012 at 3:27 pm

    I feel all the hugs and love and support and I truly appreciate it. No one knows what to say to me—and I fully understand <3

    Part of me feels like I'm not learning and not growing and kind of stuck in the same place for such a long time, now. I really am trying.

    I will start meditating again, soon. My younger son is here from California till Monday and then I think I can get back to my daily routine and 'taking-care-of-me' stuff. I'm so thankful that he's here and cared enough to take this much time (he's been here nearly a month) to stay with me after the funeral. It will feel good to get back to my journey. There's been quite a bit of comfort-eating going on, here :-p

    I feel somewhat empty, and many times a day I feel like a stone inside…like if I feel anything at all, that it will just be too much and it will all come gushing out at once.

    The only way I got through the first few months after losing D was to say to myself, over and over:

    I'm so sorry
    Please forgive me
    I love you
    Thank you

    The repetition seemed to take away the panic and allow me to get grounded and centered again.

    I can do this. I can do this. I can do this.

  219.  #219Daria on September 27, 2012 at 3:28 pm

    Laughing Goddess – I feel glad to get a response from you! 🙂

    i feel all scared like oh no will i be judged as ok to be around, i feel scared

    i feel cool with myself and powerful too… i don’t wanto to be around anyone who doesn’t want me around

  220.  #220Annie on September 27, 2012 at 3:29 pm

    Hugs lilibee.

    I feel sure it is better to be alone than with the wrong people for us.

  221.  #221Daria on September 27, 2012 at 3:30 pm

    also i did not feel like hitting you i felt like slapping someone

    i do feel this a lot! perhaps ima bad dangerous girl!

    i love me!

    anyways even if i did feel like hitting someone, i (usually) dont want to do that!

    note to myself: when i say “i feel like hitting you” follow up with “and i dont want to do that. ” the way Rori does

  222.  #222MissStix on September 27, 2012 at 3:31 pm

    My energy feels so pulsing today! Looks like big pulsing puff-ting smokey silver clouds of glitter!

    Oh and this is the energy I stew in that people around me have mentioned that they can physically feel…Hmmm you dudes! You had me perplexed! Huh? Wtf are you going on about? And then hmmmm starting to feel what they mean. Hmmm I felt like this exact way then they said it. And ohhhh now? Now I know it like it’s my own. I own this feeling hoorah! I can play with it, conjure it, project it, receive it back, reflect it. Yarrrrrrgh! 🙂 so much power over this feeling. mmmm yep. I shall credit you, feeling, and being the first feeling I ever consciously owned and mastered. You rock feeling!

  223.  #223Starla on September 27, 2012 at 3:32 pm

    Thanks, Turquoise.:)

    I am feeling pretty frustrated.
    I showed him a punching bag I want and he’s like “wow that’s really heavy for you to carry home” (I don’t drive yet). “Anyway, ask for a lower price when you talk to the seller.”

    I was like “doesn’t matter, I can’t carry the damn thing home anyway.”

    Passive aggressive, but seriously, dude? Say “hey i’ll giev you a ride down the road to get this”

    this isn’t so much the kind of guy for me.

    i could tell him, “i really like you and it feels so good to spend time with you, and there are some things that I kind of feel like are needs that gotta be met for me to keep seeing someone after a while, so i figured i’d run them by you so if we can’t be on the same page we are able to move on here…”

  224.  #224Daria on September 27, 2012 at 3:33 pm

    i feel frustrated and unaccepted and unloved with that


    you know its not

    i dont want to keep making myself feel bad and taking on outside doubts and judgements and issues

    and i wont


  225.  #225Turquoise on September 27, 2012 at 3:33 pm

    Awwww Lillebee. Sending sooooooo many hugs to you. It’s going to be ok. I know it. You are a gem, you are worthy, full of light, wonderful wonderful woman.

  226.  #226Daria on September 27, 2012 at 3:40 pm

    hmm im shouting at myself but it felt kinda good

    or is it that im habituatted to it

  227.  #227Turquoise on September 27, 2012 at 3:46 pm

    Hhhhmmmmm yeah Starla. That is odd to me. I like men who offer to help, I don’t want to always have to ask for it. It’s a very attractive quality to me when someone offers. Not smothering me with it of course, but wow, yeah…. who says that? lol. My reply might have been, I’m sure I can find someone to take me to get it. Which is probably passive aggressive too. That is a trigger I see in myself too (FW, why I shared I saw it in your post, because I know I do it, and don’t like being accused of it either, so I wanted to share, because I didn’t think I was being, but after it was pointed out… I was like oh yeah, I see it. I want to change that)

    And for the record, even though it seems the blog has moved beyond the triggers and comments from yesterday, I don’t like seeing ANYONE talked to harshly, sworn at or in a sarcastic, mean, negative, etc. way on the blog. There is no need for it here anyway or anywhere. Standing up for ourselves is important and necessary, I’m not negating that. But it can be handled without the F word. Our words matter, in all relationships, and while I know the belief here is that you can’t say the wrong thing to the right man, if you abuse anyone, verbally, physically, emotionally,…. yes, you most definitely can push the right man away with your words.

    My husband chipped away at my self esteem with his words. He wore me down, wore away my love for him. I guess I wasn’t the right woman for him since we aren’t together, but still…. he hurt me a lot, and I loved him completely. The thing is though, I did it too. I’d react and respond and hurl mean things back. We did it to each other. His words were more often, usually started things, was the initiator. I felt defensive and that I had to protect myself or stick up for myself. The thing is though, even coming from that corner, it’s damaging. He has repeated things I’ve said to him many many times, that he’ll never forget. While we have forgiven each other, you don’t forget it.

  228.  #228Daria on September 27, 2012 at 3:46 pm

    smoking a big joint of mullein

    feels so sensual

  229.  #229Sassy on September 27, 2012 at 3:47 pm


    I feel curious how you seem to be “complaining” about his complaining on the one hand, but yet you were/are seriously considering having sex with him?
    Is it possible you feel like you “should” have sex with him to prove to yourself that he has feelings for you?
    I don’t know, something about this “relationship” (for lack of a better word) feels off or confusing to me. Not sure how long you have been dating him, but are y’all at that critical 3-4 month mark where they usually bolt and maybe you are looking to dump him before he dumps you so you don’t go through the hurt you felt with CF?
    Sorry if this sounds harsh darlin, but I worry about you and your precious heart after you have come so far with your self esteem and self improvements.
    Feel free to lambast me if I am way off base, I don’t want to put words in your mouth…

    Much love

  230.  #230Daria on September 27, 2012 at 3:49 pm

    hmm i must have missed where someone was swearing at anyone.

    im pretty sure im the only one who used the F word, but it definitely was in riffing my anger and not directed at anyone

    feeling a lil fuchkin heated up right now… and very amused 🙂

  231.  #231Starla on September 27, 2012 at 3:50 pm

    Sassy, no, we’re not at that point. And the sex isn’t to prove to myself he has feelings for me.

  232.  #232LiliBee on September 27, 2012 at 3:50 pm


    Thank You Turquoise.

    I feel so so lonely and forgotten 🙁

    I’m going to zumba class in half an hour, and doesn’t even cheer me up like it usually does.

    2 of my friends dropped out of class.
    1 of them popped up when I broke up with D.
    We would go to zumba class followed by girly chit chat at the coffea shop.
    She dropped out of class and is super busy in her life with her man.
    My bf is not available.
    Another friend has her man back from a 3 month business trip and are having a honeymoon time.

    I need them now and they are all busy.
    I feel unconsolable right now.
    I need a shoulder to cry on.

  233.  #233LiliBee on September 27, 2012 at 3:52 pm

    Yes, I so feel like I am backtracking right now.
    I am at a loss as to how to make myself feel better.

  234.  #234Daria on September 27, 2012 at 3:52 pm

    im feeling a lil triggered about the issue with the asking to get it im reading about here

    im noticing i have a diff perspective and thats a lil triggering …wel maybe its triggering me to think of not saying anything

    but i can say it to me, if that was me, sounds like the guy is giving me advice…

    i wonder if id feel confident enough to say… ‘oh you’re right, it would feel great to have a ride to get it 🙂 ”

    and see what happens

    i get really insecure asking for stuff sometimes tho


    i feel all sad remembering that

    it feels so easy breezy LOOKING at it tho

  235.  #235Starla on September 27, 2012 at 3:53 pm

    Also, I wouldn’t lambaste you, lol, love to you

  236.  #236Daria on September 27, 2012 at 3:55 pm

    feeling a lil annoyed. is this sideways accusations at Daria week on the blog… hmmm

    skipping posts was feeling better… how did i get pulled into this

    i know

    drama addiction

  237.  #237Starla on September 27, 2012 at 3:56 pm

    he did end up offering to help me with the punching bag

  238.  #238Daria on September 27, 2012 at 3:56 pm

    i love my drama addiction

    im being all dramatic right now!


    feeling all intrigued and calm tho

  239.  #239Daria on September 27, 2012 at 4:01 pm

    im complaining , being passive agressive, and somehwat attention seeking and i find it very fun and endearing


    im so funny and cool 🙂 hehe

    i feel mucho love for myself now

  240.  #240Sassy on September 27, 2012 at 4:01 pm


    You are an absolutely amazing, strong woman. I cannot even begin to imagine feeling your pain.
    I have thought of you so often over these past months. Please keep coming back here and writing it all out or using us to spew your pain and talking through your process.
    You are loved, you are wanted and needed. My deepest, sincerest and heartfelt sympathy goes out to you.
    If you need anything at all, please don’t hesitate to ask.

    Much love to you

  241.  #241Starla on September 27, 2012 at 4:02 pm

    I feel excited to see myself and my thoughts and heart morph and feel with this man as our time together goes on. They are things I really need to feel through and learn about myself.

    And I should TOTALLY talk to a man about having my basic need for feeling good met before I sleep with him, even if I’m not worried about whether or not we’ll have a serious relationship one day.

  242.  #242Daria on September 27, 2012 at 4:03 pm

    i don’t ‘need’ to use fuchkin in my vocabulary, but i can choose to and it really helped me process my anger quickly

    how cool that i didn’t direct it at anyone

    feeling so pist that’s nto seen



  243.  #243Sassy on September 27, 2012 at 4:04 pm

    Thanks, Starla. Love ya kid

  244.  #244Daria on September 27, 2012 at 4:04 pm

    ‘people get so self righteous and lectury’

    what do i get self righteous and lectury about?

    ahhh i don’t want to look at it!!!

  245.  #245LiliBee on September 27, 2012 at 4:05 pm

  246.  #246Daria on September 27, 2012 at 4:06 pm

    today while walking with CD i saw two doggies that had sex and the guy was stuck inside hehehe

  247.  #247Sassy on September 27, 2012 at 4:06 pm


    I totally acknowledge how you feel. I have felt very much alone lately for many reasons.
    Keep talking it thru here if you need. I hear you

  248.  #248Annie on September 27, 2012 at 4:09 pm

    Feeling happy and calm now.
    Decided no longer want to engage and get dragged into hostile made up stuff that feels bad to me.
    Feels freeing. I feel free and calm.

  249.  #249Annie on September 27, 2012 at 4:12 pm

    Daria. im so funny and cool 🙂 hehe

    i feel mucho love for myself now


  250.  #250LiliBee on September 27, 2012 at 4:17 pm


    Thank You Sassy. xox.

    I’m running off to zumba class.
    Hope I feel better after.

  251.  #251Daria on September 27, 2012 at 4:17 pm

    i love this herb

    it helps me feel so calm and lovely and soothed and pleased

  252.  #252Daria on September 27, 2012 at 4:18 pm

    Annie – yes you are lovely!

  253.  #253Daria on September 27, 2012 at 4:19 pm

    eating all meat does not feel good….! all panicky!

    thank you herb for nourishing my blood

    mhhhmmm 🙂

  254.  #254Daria on September 27, 2012 at 4:27 pm

    i feel so much more pleasant…

    nutrition yum

    im gona do some movement now

  255.  #255MissStix on September 27, 2012 at 4:27 pm

    I will go home I will go home. I want to go home. So I will go home. I will not allow motherly feelings to keep me here and I will not let those feelings run me. I will go home. I will not stay over and give him a ride to work. No pressure applied. I still feel it though. In there saying “awwww poor man has to be in early on a friday and he deserves a ride” and it feels…actually niggling and annoying and I no longer like that “giving” feeling. I no longer grasp it like it’s the only feeling keeping a man around.


    But I still feel it. Ok…No. I love you guilty feeling. It’s ok. But I just…Don’t want you around a lot. Kay?

  256.  #256MissStix on September 27, 2012 at 4:31 pm

    I have a date with me tonite and I intend to keep it. Yes. That feels firm and solid. Oh yeah I don’t break promises! But I still feel feelings… Go me!

  257.  #257Laughing Goddess on September 27, 2012 at 4:31 pm


    Awwww sweetie pooky baby girl, you are beautiful and wonderful.

    I bet dancing will lift your spirits a bit. I feel impressed that you are still going. Lots of times when I feel down I just skip stuff like that. You’re an inspiration!

  258.  #258Siren Angel on September 27, 2012 at 4:36 pm


    Thank you Turquoise. From previous post @1133 : “These are monumental decisions, when it’s someone you love. I get that.

    Your answers are always very elaborate and I often feel guilty to not respond. But I will tell you a secret: It is because I feel you really really have your ‘stuff’ together even when you write that you don’t feel you do.

    I admire you for your determination to open up your own candy business as a single mom. I left the ‘corporate world’ let’s say to work in the same industry but from home. It was a very scary move but so worth it! And as a mom, I really relate to all your stories with your daughters. I spend a lot of time on soccer fields with moms and dads and single dads. That is how we CD in some ways. Tonight I brought my little one to a restaurant and we had so much fun while he was entertaining me with magic tricks with a straw and napkin and a french fry.

    I can totally see how Mr. C’s presence in your life feels safe right now, be it as a friend or more. I see and feel how that, right now, fits in your life.

    I admire your writing, so powerful yet easy to read and poised. What I want to say is that you really transpire grace here and it does not go unnoticed.

    Many thanks for your words and your sheer presence.

  259.  #259Daria on September 27, 2012 at 4:37 pm

    ohhh woo hoo

    i did it and i feel yum

    and loved

  260.  #260Daria on September 27, 2012 at 4:58 pm

    wow this being with my dread thing has really helped me stay present with me and do stuff to keep caring for me when im feeling sad or down

    thats wassup

    im feeling way more ME as i felt thru the dread and heartbreak of the interactions with my godson’s mom earlier this year

    im feeling more powerful

    im feeling like my energy has disconnected from there and im not in codependent mode there

    i feel less tied in in a way

    ive ‘let go’ of this tho i wanted this relationship to be for life

    i let go of that and im ok

    thats pretty big

    and i still have days to go till my godson’s birthday

    more healing is coming for me

  261.  #261Miss Bells on September 27, 2012 at 5:01 pm

    Yes–“taken” men are off limits.
    That is one of the things that upset me so much about trailer-girl.
    She had been coming on the property to visit trailer-guy for five months when they broke up. She had seen us together on numerous occasions.
    But–when HS came on to her she glommed right on to him. Believed (at first) whatever he told her about me. Never had the decency to ask me what the deal was. Then seemed hurt when she realized he had a real relationship with me, and I wasn’t going anywhere. That HE didn’t want me to go anywhere.
    If you get a WHIFF that there is a woman in the picture–FIND OUT. Then ask HER what the story is. And respect what she says…
    I would have said we were going through a rough patch but were still very much together. If she had asked.

  262.  #262Miss Bells on September 27, 2012 at 5:01 pm

    165 (((((((FLOWERCHILD))))))

  263.  #263Daria on September 27, 2012 at 5:06 pm

    i brushed my hair AND ate an apple

    im feeling taken care of!

    acts of service yum i appreciate my care

  264.  #264Femininewoman on September 27, 2012 at 5:10 pm

    Miss Bells at one point in my younger years I was in your place so I asked the other woman. She was bold enough to bat her eyes and tell me yes they were in a relationship. Though we had rings, date and plan to get married I was the one feeling embarassed. He begged me to reconcile but I just couldn’t.

  265.  #265Femininewoman on September 27, 2012 at 5:13 pm

    If I was the other woman I don’t think I would approach you. I believe I would just disappear.

  266.  #266Femininewoman on September 27, 2012 at 5:15 pm

    LiliBee I really hope you can walk yourself out of that dark tunnel

  267.  #267Daria on September 27, 2012 at 5:18 pm

    I feel triggered about this ‘taken’ men thing.


    just cuz some woman who dates a man thinks he owns him does NOT mean she does

    i choose to respect men for their OWN MANLY actions

    if a man chooses to court me, he is doing so of his free will and i Respect that

    if some woman shows up bringing me drama, i will tell him this feels bad and i don’t want to tolerate it, and fully expect him to deal with the situation in a way that makes me feel important , cared for and honored

    i will not go into competition with women. other women are not important romantically to me or on my romantic radar,

    just like the visualization where there are multiple men and women around yet his energy is coming to me

    if i respect the man, i can respect the actions and not go into his business

    i do not date a married man as that does not make me feel good safe and important. i will say that i will feel open to it once he has divorced – to honor me

  268.  #268Miss Bells on September 27, 2012 at 5:20 pm

    I am the “quasi wife”
    Trailer girl was the OW for about five weeks. She is gone now–but all of this caused me to move out–half-way. Half my stuff is still with him, and half my time is still with him–at his request.
    I do not want to be the quasi wife–I want to just be the wife without qualification–and with a ring and a piece of paper.

  269.  #269Femininewoman on September 27, 2012 at 5:22 pm

    RE 228 Daria I feel qualified to say I was sworn at few weeks ago. It was not you this time

  270.  #270MissStix on September 27, 2012 at 5:35 pm

    Girly tip:

    If you’re into shaving…

    Mix 2 parts sugar, 3 parts olive oil. Use this to scrub (gently) all over your body. Rinse away the sugar and shave.

    The scrub helps lift ingrowing hairs, and the olive oil softens hair and lubricates your skin. And applying a little (like a tsp or less) olive oil to wet skin before you dry off will leave your skin feeling uber baby soft! Yum! 🙂

  271.  #271Daria on September 27, 2012 at 5:36 pm

    more triggers

    no WAY will i ask another woman what the deal is. that is way in his business to me.

    and way out of mine. it seems dishonoring and disrespectful to me. like im going to ‘bow out’ or like theres a competition

    there is no competition when a man is pursuing me, asking me out for my time, and putting his energy towards me

    if somethign feels uncomfortable i will talk to HIM about it, not anyone else

    i feel so judgemental when women call me to ask me if im dating ‘their’ man. it feels like such a turn off.

    i also feel really angry in those situations

    i have tried to handle it calmly, and nicely the last time, but i don’t know if it felt any better

    i feel judgemental of those women chasing those men like that, ‘claiming’ them like males, clubbing them over the head – sometimes literally! with bats – and dragging them home

    it may have the desired effect for the short term, but clearly those men will RUN LIKE HELL OUT OF THERE!

    on the other hand

    i still get urges to ‘fight for a man’ sometimes. i will not do it. babystepping to healing those in my imagination and habit

    that behavior
    it does have the effect of turning me off of a man however. in that sense the women ‘win’ those men, as the men are emasculated in my eyes and i feel turned off

    well sometimes.

    sometimes in my addiction to the drama and fighting i get more pulled in to ‘fight’. like when Getright’s GF after me started texting me. and i finally told her i had been dating him for 4 years and that to me, she’s the one interfering, and thats fine cuz im not worried

    Getright even called to let me know that he saw what i wrote and he seemed to like it


    im laughing and i accept that and i feel all happy

    and yet i believe its a symptom of the addiction

    Getright is not stepping up the way i want anyway now, so none of that mattered

    soemtimes i worry that a man will get turned off by me – that im showing low confidence – if i don’t confront/talk to/fight with a woman that is doing that over him


    i don’t want to deal with this

    it feels better to lean back and not be concerned about this, trust my feelings and the man and respect him to take care of any situation that makes me feel uncomfortable regarding him

    men who come with women contacting me would be ‘toxic’ for me – unless its a one time thing that i bring up and is never an issue again

    though even then i wonder if i would feel safe and trusting that it even got there


    this feels triggering

    i never talk to women / create drama / confront women over a man and it would feel great to have the same respect (to me) as well

    unfortunately some women have different beliefs and are into contacting other women chasing men and claiming them, like theres soemthing to claim. a man makes his own choices, thats how i see it.

    i find it difficult to not feel very scared/defensive/angry when contacted in these situations

    especially when the woman seems to have a rude tone, or even when i speak respectfully she eventually starts attacking me.

    luckily the last time i went thru this, though the woman did have some kinda tone that felt disturbing a bit, it did not go there

    but i still feel like im pushing myself down to accomodate another woman, like i don’t deserve the respect to not be harassed or to receive the attentions of men who contact me

    i don’t owe anyone explanations or anything, if a woman is calling me demanding answers or telling me something with an attitude, i wonder how i can handle this in a way that honors me.

    what are my feelings?

    i feel really angry getting calls from women. i feel better to let the men handle this. i don’t want to be contacted again.

    (if im contacted again, i could threaten to call the police and report harassment hmm)

    or else i could … i dono…

    that threat seems to have worked before

    i feel really triggered by this wow

    high blood pressure

  272.  #272Turquoise on September 27, 2012 at 5:37 pm

    Siren Angel, thank you. I really appreciate that and feel understood. WOW, that is such a good feeling, I didn’t even realize how much I needed to hear that someone gets me and my choices, path, decisions and vision. I often feel “wrong” here.

  273.  #273Rori Raye on September 27, 2012 at 5:41 pm

    Distant…welcome, and I’m so sorry you’re in this situation – and you sound wonderful, and that you’re handling this brilliantly. I believe that you’ll get clear on what’s going on here when you see him. According to Dr. Pat Allen – it takes a man 8 weeks to really miss you – and so you may discover that this is too soon, and want to give him longer to stew the next time. You could also try being his friend. I NEVER encourage that – but you seem to me to be able to handle a great deal. And I mean friends WITHOUT benefits. Kissing is all. I think having sex right now would be too much for any woman to handle…but kissing will juice it up – and then you leave. I’m not sure what I would do – but I don’t believe you can make a mistake here. It will go the way it’s meant to go. Brava to you for Circular Dating! Love, Rori

  274.  #274Turquoise on September 27, 2012 at 5:41 pm

    Wow Daria, I wasn’t talking about or insinuating you in any way. There were some comments made about why was this recent situation brought up, but something that was said to FW specifically wasn’t also addressed. I was just clarifying that I don’t like to hear anyone spoken to harshly, especially on the blog, where like right now, there can be a lot of misunderstandings and mistakes.

    I swear like a trucker sometimes. No judgements here.

  275.  #275Daria on September 27, 2012 at 5:42 pm

    my liver is throbbing!

    i wonder if it’s cuz ive stuffed my feelings to be nice to these women so many times before?

    maybe next time ill be like LOOK BIT*CH HE’S MINE! HOE! IF HE WAS WITH YOU< ITS NOT WHEN HES WITH ME!


    I wonder if that will feel better

    i feel amused now

    that is probably not a good sign

    how can i say this so im not tolerating or stuffing?

    i liked the part about i don't want to talk, i feel better to let the man handle this.

    (if i figure out which man she's talking about)

    i feel all riled up! im so nice…

    remember when i ran away from Neighbor CD's wife so i didn't wind up fighting her in front of his children

    that was nice of me

    i feel pist tho she continued to harass me

    it seems to have stopped now, fortunately

  276.  #276Daria on September 27, 2012 at 5:44 pm

    Thanks Turquoise

  277.  #277Heart on September 27, 2012 at 5:45 pm

    240 – Daria – I admire the way you process your emotions. You seem very in touch with your motivations and honest.

  278.  #278Daria on September 27, 2012 at 5:53 pm

    maybe i should do a 180 and try on as an experiment thinking like these other women and having compassion

    like omg i didn’t know you were dating him, how awful, yes of course i will totally ‘back off’ now and let him know i no longer wish to see him


    that is what im actually going to do anyway, well let him know i don’t feel good with this and no longer wish to see him if this doesn’t immediately become a non issue

    but then im worried these women will try to get me to befriend them, and like ‘trap’ the man or something

    or expect me to be all horrified and indignant that he wasn’t exclusively dating either one of us, which im not


    i feel confused

    i do seem to feel very defensive around this, going really ruthless cold on the woman



    i wonder how i can communicate this


    lest try it



    hi, um… who is this?

    … that feels weird, i dont feel good being called and asked who i am . i dnot want to receive these calls again

    ok that didnt’ go too well it oculda been someones mom




    hello this is denise, im calling about my boyfriend x, do you know him

    me: oh wow i feel shocked, mm that is a man im dating and i feel violated getting calls from someone about my romantic life. i feel better to have the man handle this and will contact him to let him know. i dont want to receive any more calls, or else i will contact the police thank u.



    this feels annoying

  279.  #279Daria on September 27, 2012 at 5:54 pm

    Heart – wow that feels wonderful, yes thank you 🙂

  280.  #280Daria on September 27, 2012 at 6:00 pm

    i know im just a few tweaks away from feeling good


    ‘do you know so and so’

    well the thing is i feel angry even when i get these calls from my brother’s gf’s and perhaps i can experiment with either cussing them out, or

    ‘understanding them’

    cuz yes im aware many women think this is ok behavior

    so, oh you’re brother’s gf, okay, well im his sister, no not his blood sister, but his sister nonetheless. you have nothing to worry about. maybe we will meet one day


    ok no

    THAT is not the way to go

    yes, and i can hear you’re suspicious, lol and no im just his sister, yes we’re not blood, but we’re very much family. so while i can appreciate your concern, id feel better to not get calls to my telephone line. perhaps we will meet in person one day, if you and my brother work out over the long term. please say hello to him for me, and i wish you guys luck.

    take care… goodbye.

    unfortunately i feel afraid the anger in my voice will make me sound trembly and weak

    i can say, i feel a bit angry getting calls on my telephone line from women, especially in this kind of situation. id appreciate it if you can work your trust out with my brother, and i wish you both good luck.

    im judging myself for not being warmer to women

    i always think they’re out to get me, no wonder i get such attitude sometimes

    this is good practice

  281.  #281Daria on September 27, 2012 at 6:13 pm

    oh i see. well i hear you’re upset and you have nothing to worry about. brother is my godbrother, we are family, not blood, but we are not and have never dated. please excuse me, it feels uncomfortable to get calls like this from a woman when she sounds upset, i get tense wondering if it was about someone i am dating myself. perhaps we will meet one day if you and my brother keep dating. i wish u guys luck, but id feel better to just get calls on this line if its family related. thanks!


    im stil dismissive

    look i just feel too judgemental to sit there and commiserate with these women about men when i have a whole different perspective on it

    i dont feel safe!

    it feels scary and i feel VERY angry to be frightened this way

    do you know x (that im dating)

    ‘it feels scary to get these calls. im not the kind of girl who really gets into a guys business when im dating him, so i dont knwo if he’s dating other women or not. i don’t want to get these calls, i feel better to let him handle it. i will certainly bring it up to him if he calls me again, thank u.’

    these women i think are just looking for me to be all pist that ‘the guy’ is doing something and for me to be like oh i had no clue! how dare he the bas9tard do that to us!

    wow what an asshole, yes

    and then they likely both continue dating him anyway!

    i dont get it

    no wait im judging


    this feels tiring

    im going in circles, but im making lil babysteps progress

    the feelings are

    frightened. flight or fight. adrenaline. agression. anger.

    but mostly fear

    i feel fear

    getting these calls

    clue – fear

    fem woman – walks away

    hello do you know x

    “whoa this feels scary. i dont want to get these calls… im an attorney and will be recording these calls and have the authorities contact you. click”

    lol i bet that will stop the calls! lol

    but it might scare the man too


    ok what about just

    “wow this feels scary. i dont want to get calls from someone i don’t know. thank u. ” (hang up)

    then just dont pick up and erase all voicemails without listening to avoid triggering

    even tho i might beat up on myself for ‘running away’

    it might still be good practice

    or i can just hang up, not sayng anything

    just treat it as not worht one word of my energy

    do you know ‘x’


    then i can expect attacking voicemails, and i can erase those

    agh i feel so stirred up in my tummy

    i also feel sleepy!

  282.  #282Daria on September 27, 2012 at 6:16 pm

    maybe i kinda also ‘get off’ on the drama of these convos

    like maybe it feels like im not actaully participating in a cool movie

    my ideal heroine would talk shit

    but ive committed to not doing that

    so that means theres a way to feel EVEN BETTER by doing the feminine thing, and im not totally aware of it yet

  283.  #283MissStix on September 27, 2012 at 6:24 pm

    Mmm yep!

    Trust is like this to me…You are a man who knows what’s up. You can live your life however you want and yes-persue me. Devote energy to me. And I can live my life however I want. Receive your persual and engage in it if it feels healthy. Or I can choose not to. If events or actions occur that create feelings in me that tell me “I will not tolerate this” I will speak it and he can think on it and act according to what he wants. Continue to persue me and put in effort. Or not. And I will accept. Receive. Or not.



  284.  #284MissStix on September 27, 2012 at 6:39 pm

    Daria- Choosing to say a short piece about feeling uncomfortable to get calls from a stranger, and then hang up.
    Erase VM’s.

    This feels…Powerful. Confident. I have nothing to prove and simply don’t need this drama.

    I like this. Props! Your process is fascinating and wonderful.

  285.  #285MissStix on September 27, 2012 at 6:42 pm

    Hmmm I feel nervous buzzing bees in my belly to say this but I want to be just open. All the time.

    I am only truly reading posts by daria right now. Just skimming all else. I feel. Ill, and guilty. But…I trust her riffs. And I want to stick around on the blog.

  286.  #286MissStix on September 27, 2012 at 6:44 pm

    Oh but this is so good in a way. Because sometimes I feel angry or irritated reading thrm but I trust them.

    I don’t really feel afraid of feelings at all anymore. Not even horrible ones. Because they are mine and I love them.

  287.  #287bloom-ing on September 27, 2012 at 6:48 pm


    “i felt like i won the lottery hearing that.

    “and that’s kind of sad. i want to hear i’m beautiful and appreciated every day. not once every couple of weeks.”

    don’t you hear it every day ? that sounds nice, though actually i do feel scared to say it for myself, so i’ll practice…………………………….. Hi, little girl – you’re beautiful & appreciated : )

    hi, starla. you are beautiful & i appreciate you !

  288.  #288LiliBee on September 27, 2012 at 6:55 pm



    I enjoyed reading about your cell phone story.
    It’s a perfect example of how OK it is to not be perfect.
    Both of you are human and it feels OK.
    I felt comforted reading it.

    My issue has been that D is not comfortable talking to me like that.
    I know I need to inspire it.
    But even without me, he feels so incredibly uptight and uncomfortable talking about normal human flaws…like it’s not OK to tell someone.
    He’s extremely sensitive.
    I guess it’s just the way it’s communicated.

    I like that your Mr. C was able to tell you and that you were able to receive it and vice versa.
    That would make me feel trusting and comfortable to have such open communication.

    I intend to have that.

  289.  #289LiliBee on September 27, 2012 at 7:03 pm


    Thank You LG,

    I feel blessed to have found that class.
    The instructors are super fun and friendly.

    When I took it last winter, it was only 1x per week.
    I wished that they would have it 2x.
    I got my wish starting 2 weeks ago.

    I was feeling exhausted from lack of sleep.
    I finished work early so I could come home and take an hour nap to make sure I would be OK for zumba.
    I just can’t miss it.
    I always feel good during the class.
    I feel good being greeted with warm smiles and hello when I walk in.

  290.  #290LiliBee on September 27, 2012 at 7:05 pm

    Oh, and Turquoise:

    I agree with every single word Siren Angel wrote to you.
    I don’t ever want to leave the blog.

  291.  #291LiliBee on September 27, 2012 at 7:06 pm

    That’s I don’t ever want You to leave the blog.

  292.  #292bloom-ing on September 27, 2012 at 7:22 pm

    miss stix, i’m reading you & i’m feeling so triggered actually : )) haha i feel laughter as we’ve all been stressful about this lately……….. “screw it” <- i use quotes to show where my "short-cut" or "not-necessarily-serious" or "not a concept i really believe in" LOL i'm just trying to not get you or me sad feeling, girl, i think you're cool & i wanna hang out with you. wanna say, hey miss stix i'm reading that & i feel scared about it…. i feel so nervous about the juice-y-ness……EEKKKKK aww & ok bye that's all : ) millions more miles of processing in that direction & all directions infinitely from this point but right now i'm gonna eat PIZZA yay ! & i hope you enjoy your home down time sleepy sweet girl easy time yay calm goddess peace hearth yum

  293.  #293Turquoise on September 27, 2012 at 7:27 pm

    Thank you Lillebee. I went back and retread that post, must say, wasn’t as well written as it could have been, so I feel so gotten and understood by some sirens that you get my vibe. Feels so good in my heart! 🙂 I don’t want you or SA to ever leave either. You both make me see things clearly, your strength is inspiring, and I value your voices here! This is such an awesome place to be.

  294.  #294MissStix on September 27, 2012 at 7:36 pm

    Hi blooming 🙂

    That feels good to read actually. At the word trigger I got prickly on my arms but…I still feel good and calm and I want to sprinkle this openness with magic dust. Make it grow wider. mmm

    I am actually avoiding some triggers. Not in the way I thought, but hmmmm like…I don’t even know! Heh skimming. Not cool stix. Avoiding.

    Meh. Go me! I can avoid…

    All I know is…I want to hang out with you too bloom-ing! 🙂

  295.  #295MissStix on September 27, 2012 at 7:45 pm

    mmmm yum yummy me time! I am taking the night off from interactions with anyone but me and the universe. Ohhhhh sigh. Yes. 🙂

  296.  #296Turquoise on September 27, 2012 at 9:12 pm

    Gosh, Mr. C. is away for work, left yesterday and was planning to come home tonight. He saw my FB post this morning that the girls and I were home sick, so he texted to say he hoped we all felt better. Tonight he texted to say I hope you are all doing okay… I had a long, hard day today. I’m staying one more day to make sure I make the most of this trip.

    I replied, Thanks for checking in. CV is pretty sick, but CM and I are feeling better. Want to tell me about your day?
    He replied no, but thanks for offering. It was kind of rough… I’ll tell you when I get back when it isn’t still so fresh.

    I said, Ok, I’;m sorry it’s not going as you hoped.

    He replied back, It’s not bad… actually was a succesful day with a lot of good things… just not like I planned or as much success as I hoped for. That why I’m staying another night because I want to have a good day tomorrow.

    I said, sounds like a good idea. Make the most of it, especially being out of town. (what would have been a good feeling message here? Is one appropriate?)

    He said, I miss the kids and feel a little bit guilty.

    I wrote, Awww. 🙁 being your best self, earning a good income to provide for your children is amazing. I’m sure they miss you too… but you’ll be back soon.

    Him: Thanks 🙂

    I find it so hard to think of good feeling messages on the spot. I also feel like when he’s sad or upset about something, my first instinct is to say everything will be ok, or it’s not a problem, but that might come across as dismissive. I don’t want that. Any suggestions or tweaks? Just even to say less?

    It felt really nice that he checked in. I didn’t ask him to or anything, and that he wanted to share a little bit about his day. If anything, this is reminding me what I want in a significant other. I want someone that is attentive, shares his time and day, leans forward to reach me.

    Lillebee, he’s the only guy I’ve ever known who talks to me like this. He wants to talk through things, to share, it’s really amazing, and he’s much better about the hard stuff, stays calm… and he pushes me, kinda like FW does here, to not skip over the hard stuff. The other night we talked for 3.5 hours in person, and part way though he said, do you realize how much deep stuff we talk about, that doesn’t even seem deep? The first night I met him we talked for over 3 hours… it’s been over 3 months, and we haven’t run out of stuff to talk about. That we get along so well, live so close, kids get along wonderfully, we are attracted to each other, chemistry is there…. you’d think it would be this perfect/romantic relationship. Sigh. It’s going to be hard to stay just friends unless I meet someone else.

  297.  #297Tereana on September 27, 2012 at 9:58 pm

    Turquoise – I find it hard to think of feeling messages on the spot, too! Although it’s getting better. Much easier. I’m practicing with friends and non-date situations, and noticing how effective it is. That’s kind of cool. It somehow doesn’t work as well for me yet in dating situations. But maybe that’s because I don’t have as much confidence in it to work. Hm…our beliefs can and do determine outcome. I kind of have a belief that relationships will be unpleasant and challenging for me. And so, they usually are. Even with all the tools. 🙁 *sigh*

    I hope I can work through this…

  298.  #298Tereana on September 27, 2012 at 10:21 pm

    Wow, I’m so glad that Rori posted this. i guess she’s back from vacation now! A lot of this text is right in Heart Connection Toolkit. And I love this part : )

    And who was it – Goddess Lily? – someone was asking about her ex reappearing, and was it to help her heal something that hadn’t healed yet? (something like that).

    Good question. I don’t know.

    But I am starting to believe that Vman has come back, not to be my partner, per se, but to help me heal something that *I* still needed to work through. And I’m working through it. But also, it could be an ongoing process. Maybe he’s not really going anywhere still. Maybe I don’t really want him around. And I’m telling him to leave, and he won’t.

    I got “mad” at him this week, because I asked him to do something for me, and he wouldn’t do it. I got all righteous about it, and, looking back, I can see my Mom in there – the one who knows everything about what should happen, what the “right thing to do” is, and how people should act and what they should care about. Screw Free Will. Screw Free Choice. Your will and your choice need to fit into the prescribed notions that I hold (aka Mom), or else they are Wrong.

    And that’s exactly what I did to him. I decided that he “needed” to help me because it was the “right” thing to do, in my opinion. Also, because it was what I wanted. And I decided that was the only option. I knew it felt wrong, even at the time, and I decided to give myself space. But I still didn’t come up with the right response. (i.e. the one that would speak to both our highest selves, maybe). And so he got annoyed with me. I could feel it, and I didn’t like that, either.

    I was pondering codependent behaviors. I was examining my expectations of what I believed “should” happen, and noticing that I didn’t give him any leeway – and I wasn’t letting him say No.

    Finally, he called me out on the fact that I was just getting angry that I didn’t get what I wanted. Which was partly true. but what was also true was that I have some icky PMS this week, and everything – literally everything – is annoying to me. Like the lady on the bus with her shoe. Lol. All this crap probably wouldn’t phase me in a different week. But that’s not how it is right now. Not that that’s an excuse. Just a fact.

    Anyway, I wrote back, and said he was right. He was 100% right about everything. And I owned up to my having expectations that were maybe unrealistic. (And I didn’t tell him, but I’ve also found someone else who is totally more than willing to help me out with the thing he wouldn’t do : )

    But I also talked about “where we are” right now, which is confusing. Because he’s not saying that he wants anything more than friendship. And yet, he’s not afraid to make sexy comments to me. He’s not afraid to try and feel me up, when I was at his house. And almost every conversation we’ve had – except this week – has been extremely sexual. There is a huge charge there. For me as well. So I don’t know what that’s about. Maybe I am just drawn to the wrong thing. The description of trying to cram myself into an uncomfortable place because it’s familiar (like stilettos) is pretty apt, it seems. I get that old, familiar crunch and squeeze of trying to make myself just right for a tiny spot that no one could really fit into. It just seems like this great challenge – I can be the one! No one else can do it! I’m super-human! I believe I can will myself into a position that no on else could fill. And yet I can’t. I cant’ do it. I am not super human.

    I cannot make the man into a decent human being. I cannot make him into a great partner, just by being good. I am going to have to live with the fact that there is some attraction there. but I don’t have to go near it, and I don’t have to do anything about it. I can turn away from it, and turn toward what’s good and what makes me feel good and happy, and welcome and comfortable. And that feels good 🙂

    I also told VMan to “take his time” and to get back to me when he knew exactly what he wanted (he had told me he was confused).

    I think I wrote a good letter. I considered letting it sit overnight, but I sent it, because I was worried I would run out of time in the morning.

    I’m so tired. Why did I book myself four clients tomorrow??? Argh.

    The last bit in my email was a caveat that I’ve has PMS this week. My PMS sometimes means that I am overly “honest” with people and I do a lot of “truth-telling” that gets me into trouble. I hope – I very sincerely hope – that this email to vman is not one of those instances. I am doing my best to make things up. But, I am not sure if it is working this time. And maybe it’s for the best. Maybe I just want him to go away. Maybe him going away is the best thing for me. I’ve known it for so long. And that’s why I feel confused.

    But I know I’ll miss him, too. I know he was here to help me heal from something. That was his job. He’s helping me heal my need to be around someone who hurts me, even though he “feels good.” And he’s helping me to turn toward sources that really are helping me, and that really do have my best interests at heart. Much as I still crave his attention, and feed off his desire for me, I know that I’m an object. It’s me he wants. But he doesn’t want what’s best for me. And that’s not good…if that were to change, then ok.

    But right now, that’s not how it is. And I can see echoes of my father’s negativity in him. I probably find that comforting. But it’s disturbing as well.

    Okay, good riddance. Thank you, Vman, for coming back to me, and presenting yourself to me so that I could see you more clearly. Thank you for having a good time with me, and showing me who you truly are. And thank you for showing me that you are not what I want. And I don’t know if or how I can be friends with you. We’ll see. Because I know that to me, you will be always an Ex. I don’t know if I can do the “friends” thing.

    Okay, that’s my rambling letter for the evening that I just wanted to get out. whew! It feels good to spew.

    Good night, sirens!!!

  299.  #299Tereana on September 27, 2012 at 10:28 pm

    Don’t worry if people don’t get to read through my whole long post. I sometimes scan through the longer posts, too.

    It’s more of just a brain-splort to me. To get it all out there.

    But if anyone has feedback/validation/thoughts they’d like to share, I feel open to it!


    And btw – opening to moment – that is such a great thought/idea/intention. And sometimes I think that ends up being something entirely different from what we think it’s going to mean. I.e. I think sometimes I believe I am “surrendering” to the moment, but really I am only following old, ingrained impulses. However, true surrender requires something entirely different.

  300.  #300Tereana on September 27, 2012 at 10:36 pm

    In light of surrender, I’ve wondered a couple of things about VMan. What would it mean if I did “surrender to the moment” or “surrender” to Who He Is? What if I could just NOT be angry with him? What if I didn’t give in to the urge to just label him “a jerk” or worse, just because he didn’t do something the way I would like? What if I could be open to EXACTLY who he is, without believing or expecting that things could or should be different?

    What would that be like?

    It feels…scary. Uncertain. It feels vulnerable. (I have a voice in my head telling me I’m doing something wrong.) But it also feels relaxed. It feels cooler, less hot. It feels breezy, open, airy, breathy, light. Not heavy, masked and dark, like this running away.

    So, truly, I don’t know, and I find it hard to pin down – with this guy, am I correct in turning away toward something that is better for me? Is it a good idea to get away, since he is only going to hurt me? Or is he really there to heal me? Is he there to help me see myself in a better way? Is it possible that he actually DOES have my best interests at heart – I just can’t see it?

    These are questions for the Universe, that I would like to ponder while I sleep. I hope to have some dreams that will show me the answers to my questions in some way that makes it clear to me what is true and most elemental for me in all this.

    Thank you, Universe!! : )

  301.  #301Joseph Hyde on September 27, 2012 at 10:46 pm


    A little frustration…

    When clicking on the link in the newsletter to be read online and subsequently going there, there is no place to leave a comment or to contact you on that particular newsletters subject…can that be changed? Thanks. (I think it’s important)

    On a more relevant subject. ‘People’ (some women) may not like this comment or perspective and it applies to all of your posts or subjects on this web site and that is…(not all women may agree here or see that this is true at all…however this is just ‘one males opinion’…mine at least! and it is this, it’s about the way that ‘you’ (females) are ‘constructed’ that is ‘put together’). This is not intended as a criticism in the least, it is just a comment that ‘you’ (women) may not be aware of but to me it’s as obvious as the sun in the sky but it may not be ‘PC’, probably isn’t!!!

    That is that the ‘sine qua non’ of a women’s existence is to ‘have’ or to ‘get’ a man, and the same thing or ‘opposite’ (in some sense) is not true of men about or toward women, that is you are not ‘the center of our existence’ as we are of yours.

    This is not meant to be ‘harsh’ it’s just an explicitly stated fact.

    What we do want, what is the ‘center of existence’ or the ‘center of our existence’ is ‘to have sex with you’ or ‘just to have sex with you’!!! Now that is where it ‘starts’ and where it will shortly end if you have not ‘played your cards right’ and given ‘IT’ to us without making us ‘lay down our life’ for you by becoming so special that ‘we forsake all others’… Well how ‘in Heaven’s name is that done’ when all of us guys only want sex and when ‘wham bam thank you mam’ is just about all that’s on our minds! (or at least what passes for our minds in males!)

    Well it’s not easy but you are the ones with the Gold so you get to make the rules and if we want the Gold bad enough we will abide by your rules!

    And the ‘#1 rule that you want to make is that we don’t get Sex unless we commit to you for a lifetime and as I said earlier ‘to forsake all others’!

    And as Rori pointed out in a different newsletter post, it is that when a relationship is over, it’s not ‘just over’ because broken relationships, when they have involved sex leave emotional, spiritual and sometimes physical ‘remnants’ behind. Neither of you (males and females) get off ‘Scott free’ in this, even if the guy doesn’t end up ‘pregnant’ and the girl does!!!

    Sex is not just only physical, it is emotional too, and far more, it is a spiritual act with spiritual consequences. IMHO!

    Here is ‘where I’m coming from’ and you may very well discount it but it’s an explanation that I think ‘fits the bill’ and you might think about it, and if ‘the shoe fit’s’ you may think about wearing it too, or realizing that it’s true…

    This is the ‘Fact’ that ‘you’ women were made for us and your desire, the ‘well spring’ of your life is to ‘have us’!… Well prove It!!! I don’t have too! It should be obvious that Rori’s web site, and a million others like hers, should be all of the proof that you need, and if you’re honest, and you will just look into your nature you know that it’s true… In fact just as more and more people in this country feel that they are ‘entitled’ to the Govt to ‘take care of them’ you have the ‘feeling’, you ‘Know’ that we, Males, are ‘Supposed’ to ‘take care of you’ and you’re not happy, ‘fulfilled’, until that happens. Sorry to use ‘the entitlement mentality’ but that’s the best illustration that I could come up with on short notice! In a similar way that we instinctually try to protect you or know that we should. In an ‘opposite way’ or ‘vein’ it does not even come into our mind to be concerned that you can hurt us, that is physically, because instinctually we know that we are stronger than you and that you are not a threat to us. We don’t fear you. In the same way, on an emotional level, you know that you are superior to us, in that ‘you can see right through us’…for the purpose of ‘manipulation to get what you want or to think that you will be able to fulfill your needs in that manner… Now who here is at a disadvantage…? You because we can ‘beat the pulp out of you?’ or us because you can wipe the floor with us, emotionally?… I would say in many respects you have the advantage… why? Because innately we know that we are not supposed to hurt you even if you hurt us emotionally, and that pretty much holds if you don’t overstep ‘your boundaries, ‘that particular boundary’ too far… If you do then more than likely (in this day and age) we will pound you into a pulp and only regret it afterwards when we come back to our senses. Is that ‘unfair’? Maybe so, but I personally believe that ‘feminism’ has done much to lower that boundary as it has men’s respect for femininity or women. This is not to say in the least that men have always treated women right or as they should, if that was the case chances are there would never have been a ‘feminist’ or ‘women’s rights’ movement in the first place! So I think that it can be said that neither of the sexes has been doing their ‘job’ just ‘perfectly. If we are perfectly content to just play ‘the blame game’ then I don’t see much changing and things just continually getting worse… and if ‘society’ breaks down and anarchy ensues then I can only think that women will have a much worse time of it then they do now by far, and you won’t have any ‘feminism’ to protect you from aggressive males and at that point it will only be your wills or ‘wiles’ that will keep you alive by ‘manipulating’ guys behind their backs to kill other males to keep yourself ‘safe’ from other males… but at that point just like in our prison system you will find that you’re just ‘someone else’s ‘Bitch’!

    Now this description is not a very nice state of affairs and none of us want it to get to that point but I think it’s a fairly accurate analysis of the situation that would ensue under those circumstances.

    Well what was the point of that digression…

    Just that each of us was ‘made’ to fulfill certain roles within reason and when we do harmony is more likely to occur when we don’t step to far outside of our ‘evolutionary straightjacket’… if you believe in ‘evolution’ that is, or if you don’t, then that we may all be happiest when we live within the confines of our intended ‘purpose’, for those that have a ‘religious bent’ of mind… or just a practical one…

    This is ‘my hobby’ that is ‘women’ and not because I’m an ‘unpassionate observer’ but quite the opposite. I was ‘damaged goods’ from very early on because my sisters treated me so abominably and my mom didn’t know how to handle a boy because of the deficits that she grew up with in her family situation… so it was a ‘generational luck of the draw’ so to speak and from that I’m unfit to really have a relationship. Yes I probably could overcome this given enough effort but at this point (59) I do not want to because every time I do, and there have been a few times, it turns out just it’s just to painful to endure, so I retreat and since the hormones are almost dead now it’s a lot easier to pull off!

    So just take all of the foregoing as one males perspective however twisted and unhealthy… it’s one that I’ve lived with to more or less a degree my whole life and one that I’ve come more to terms with as time has progressed and as some kind of wisdom and acceptance has ensued. Also forgiveness toward a sister and mom and dad who are no longer here and a good relationship with a sister who still is. So generally platonic female relationships are ok up to a point but if they were to seem to proceed further I don’t let them, usually by withdrawing, my only defense. So much is still wrong inside but it’s a compromise that I have come to accept.

    Thanks for letting me spew Rori and for having an audience to do so too!

    Your column is appreciated!


  302.  #302Emerson on September 27, 2012 at 10:53 pm

    I like this article even though it says stilettos are overrated!! Ahem…have you seen my avatar!?

  303.  #303Emerson on September 27, 2012 at 10:57 pm

    Interesting and never ceases to amaze me how the articles on this blog are so often a topic that is in my radar! I was literally thinking today about this notion of pain/love and is that what I’m attached to?? I was thinking about collegeEx, toxicEx as RecycledCD and I have had a similar painful / love / piney feeling with all of them.
    I was asking myself as I was driving who would I be without that feeling??

  304.  #304Emerson on September 27, 2012 at 11:00 pm

    Also I’ve been thinking about the concepts in the “power of now” and really enjoying being in the moment.

    I’ve been working a lot and I am feeling burnt out.

  305.  #305Emerson on September 27, 2012 at 11:01 pm

    Sirens I miss all of you.

  306.  #306Tam on September 27, 2012 at 11:08 pm

    Rori’s post to ‘Distant’ resonates somehow.

  307.  #307Emerson on September 27, 2012 at 11:10 pm

    305 yes me too Tam. That’s why I had to cut off recycled completely. To gain distance. Turn my back.

  308.  #308Tam on September 27, 2012 at 11:12 pm

    Hi Emerson! I’m on my way to Florida and feel happy!! Haven’t seen you for a while!!

  309.  #309Tam on September 27, 2012 at 11:21 pm

    Siren Island. Sigh. ‘people bringing people down by projecting their own story’.
    Feels bad.
    ‘I feel triggered by watching Sirens slip into fwb situations’ – I am allowed to feel what I feel and believe that this doesn’t bring anyone down who isn’t intent on bringing themselves down. My triggers are MINE. My feelings are also. It is not projection.
    That’s the last thing I say about it.
    It is NOT my fault when others get triggered by my boundaries and me stating them.
    Aaah, that feels better.
    Done and dusted…off into the sun!!!
    I feel sooo happy!!!

  310.  #310Emerson on September 27, 2012 at 11:48 pm

    Hi tam that’s great about FL!

  311.  #311Emerson on September 28, 2012 at 12:00 am

    I have yet to catch up on what you have all been up to. I’ve had very little “me” time and I’ve been pushing myself hard with work. The money is nice but I feel so tired.

  312.  #312Tereana on September 28, 2012 at 12:25 am

    Alright, I haven’t gone to sleep yet. I’m lying in bed, and I have a rant that’s been on my mind all day….

    All this stuff about “loving ourselves first.” as if that’s all we really need. And then that will somehow draw the right guy in. Or that it makes it ok. Like it IS all we really need? Bullsh*t.

    I mean, not like loving yourself is bad. I mean that, I am here because I do love myself – at least the best way I know how. And even if I don’t, does that really make me unfit for relationship. I guess I can’t speak for everyone. But it seems to me we are all here because we know there is something profoundly different about being loved by someone else. Sharing love, and experiencing life that way is clearly different from just “loving oneself.” it must BE and DO something different, or else we wouldn’t want it. No one would want it. And it must be worth it, or we wouldn’t go to all the trouble.

    Just now, I got sad looking at Facebook. Seemed like a lot of people I know are getting engaged, celebrating babies, preparing fit weddings. It’s almost nauseating because I wasn’t it do much. And I’m torn between feeling really, really happy for them, and just wondering – when is my turn?

    When will I have paid enough debt to society to have worked off my own previous engagement? When is my punishment sentence of loneliness over? When can I let myself out, and forget about the idea that “I’m a bad person” and just get on with my life?

    My fear is, of course, that I just AM a bad person. And I’m afraid I’m unfit, unworthy. Fit years, I’ve felt that I did such a bad thing, I don’t deserve to ever get married or be happy again. That was it. That was my chance. And I chose something else.

    Every moment, I try to choose something new. And I do. But it stays with me. And all the other “gook” from earlier in my life.

    How can I go on with these things hindering me? And what do I need to leg go of to release me of the belief that I need this stuff?

    What can I do?

    I feel despair. It feels like it will never work for me. Like I can do all the right things and never get anywhere. It’s like running in place. Like in a dream, when you can’t move. I feel ineffective, powerless.

    And I had a breakthrough moment today. I realized that all my life I’ve been made to feel powerless. So I made myself strong – to make up for the fact that I had no power. But it didn’t give me power. And it’s power that I want, not strength. It’s power that I crave. And that’s also the thing I fear.

    Wow, Martin Buber was right. Those things are true. And they are the same thing.

    I wonder how I can start cultivating a relationship with my power, instead of with fear and craving?

    Thank You.

  313.  #313Femininewoman on September 28, 2012 at 2:13 am

    Tam have a safe trip

    Emerson good to read you.

  314.  #314babysteps on September 28, 2012 at 2:31 am

    Dear Sirens & Rori,

    I’m still working on the e-book. it’s surprisingly to me how long this is taking and how much more i’m getting out of it now that my r/s is on the line.

    1) I am struggling with What do I feel? How do I tell what I am feeling is an authentic feeling and not the learned, habitual patterns of covering up our real feelings?

    I think I am able to describe the physical aspect of my feelings like “the lower part of my rib cage feels tight, it feel like there is something there ” etc. but i’m not sure if that is a feeling of fear. Before reading the ebook, i would have said fear, but now i’m uncertain…

    2) How do I put my feelings into words?

    How do I do that without expressing blame?

    For example, if I say ” i feel sick in my stomach, my heart feels tight and it literally hearts ” this expresses my feeling, but indirectly, aren’t i saying that HIS actions is the cause of these feelings?

    3) Another issue, if i say ” i want something”, isn’t that considered demanding something from him? Like ” I want affection” is telling the guy to do something.

    The same goes for ” i don’t want “. If i don’t want to do something, isn’t that asking HIM to do it?

    Sirens and Rori, I hope someone can help explain this to me in a way I can understand. Thank you.

  315.  #315Annie on September 28, 2012 at 3:06 am

    261: Miss BellsNo Gravatar says:

    Yes–”taken” men are off limits.
    That is one of the things that upset me so much about trailer-girl.
    She had been coming on the property to visit trailer-guy for five months when they broke up. She had seen us together on numerous occasions.
    But–when HS came on to her she glommed right on to him. Believed (at first) whatever he told her about me. Never had the decency to ask me what the deal was. Then seemed hurt when she realized he had a real relationship with me, and I wasn’t going anywhere. That HE didn’t want me to go anywhere.
    If you get a WHIFF that there is a woman in the picture–FIND OUT. Then ask HER what the story is. And respect what she says…
    I would have said we were going through a rough patch but were still very much together. If she had asked.

    Do you really want to marry a man who came on to another woman.
    Is this really what you want?
    We have no control over what anyone else does.
    How did this make you feel?
    Do you want that?
    Is this your subconscious love imprint driving you?
    The only control we have is over ourselves and who we chose.
    Do you want to make a conscious choice on choosing the best man for you who wants to and is able to give you your hearts desire?

    On the other hand personally I do not want the drama of getting involved or dating any man who wants ‘friendships’ or to date other women. If he wants to date me then he gets the choice, me or them. The right man for me will chose me.

  316.  #316Daria on September 28, 2012 at 3:30 am

    Thanks Miss Stix yay I feel heard and honored

  317.  #317Daria on September 28, 2012 at 3:38 am

    Babysteps – you’re doing great!

    No stating your feelings does not mean he caused them

    No saying I don’t want doesn’t mean you want him to do it … But gives him the room to

    I feel excited to hear about your men experiences w these tools now!

  318.  #318Rebecca on September 28, 2012 at 3:54 am


    I so hear what you are saying and that is what I struggle with…

  319.  #319Rebecca on September 28, 2012 at 4:14 am


    I absolutely relate to what you are saying. I am thinking maybe I suffer from depression.

    I so relate to feelings of anger, jealousy, anxiety and obsessing over the past, and despair, and at times being incoherent.

    I feel I am constantly saying ‘I want to change’. It is like I am screaming it from the top of my lungs…

    That is me in a nutshell.

  320.  #320Sirenity on September 28, 2012 at 4:14 am

    “taken men are off limits” .

    Daria or FW may recall Rori’s view on this , but as i understand it , if he is married he is off limits, and if he is not then he is available.

    This may feel triggering to some but i certainly believe that available is available.

    A man who is committed AND honest wont be playing with others. If he is looking to date around then he is available. However , i feel cautious to engage with a man who is not clear in explainig his status.

  321.  #321Sirenity on September 28, 2012 at 4:18 am

    I feel I a good place with my dating ..I need a couple more active CD’s though. One man , Twinkle man is fun to be with and I am feeling relaxed about further dates.

    I am still hoping French man finds me..

  322.  #322Vi on September 28, 2012 at 4:33 am

    Omg I just got angry a friend of mine, and while processing my anger I somehow tracked down a belief of mine – Men hurt ! they are around me to hurt me … first I felt shocked and .. and stunned .. and then I felt a wave of relief going through my body … and then I felt a tingle of shame for having such a belief … I love my shame and I love my beliefs too. I can let go of this belief now … I can return it to my imaginary library of beliefs … it served me well, I loved it, thank you and it doesn’t work for me anymore … I’d like to exchange it to ‘Men are here to love me, take care of me, adore me, grow with me and make the world a safe – feeling place to me “. Thank you.

  323.  #323Goddess Lily on September 28, 2012 at 4:48 am

    Still don’t know whether my work ex, DA, is evolving with the advent of the tools or whether he is teaching me. Maybe both. I threw in some feeling messages during our playful banter through text and the next thing I know he was on his way over. I can count on one hand the number of times hes been to my house. But also while talking to him he reminded how hes been trying to get me to be cocky for the last 3 years (have confidence in myself) and some of the things he said alerted me to a pattern I have with not appreciating the things a man does for very long past when he does it. I feel embarrassed by this for not being able to gain enough confidence for people to notice a difference. What else can I do?

  324.  #324Goddess Lily on September 28, 2012 at 4:51 am

    My job has a lot to do with my feelings of inadequacy. I’ve always been a high achiever and here I just can’t seem to get it right. DA things with my looks alone I should be running the place. Although that’s flattering, I also feel sad because I’m not running anything. I’m just existing. I’m grateful for this job where I just exist. My friends would kill for my salary. I just keep getting told how much better I can be.

  325.  #325Rebecca on September 28, 2012 at 5:06 am

    @323: Goddess Lily

    I sooo relate to you feeling:

    I’m just existing. I’m grateful for this job where I just exist. My friends would kill for my salary. I just keep getting told how much better I can be.

    That’s exactly how I felt in my last job…

    It has left me with zero confidence in myself and my abilities. I felt like a nobody. I still feel like that now. Like a don’t deserve a job – like there is ‘nothing’ I can do.

  326.  #326Belle on September 28, 2012 at 5:45 am

    Daria 282

    I feel a giggly recognition here
    This reminds me of how I handled things with C a couple of weeks ago…
    My heroine had a whole script about how “I want you to step up and stop being a b!tch and be the man I need you to be for me,” etc.

    So I stood in my living room and played out the speech and perfected it until I acted it all out like I wanted, got the tone right, felt it all right in my body standing there finger-wagging and pointing at my front door and it made me laugh and laugh
    I NEEDED that energy to flow through my body for ME, C was the trigger for that.

    When faced with him directly though, I was all sireny and feminine and gave him the speech about “I respect your need to stay free and not committed and yet this isn’t what I want.”

    The drama was for ME to play around and have fun with and acting it all out for myself until I felt like I got the part perfectly right showed me how it was NOT what I wanted at ALL at ALL and saved me tons of humiliation 🙂

  327.  #327Femininewoman on September 28, 2012 at 5:53 am

    Oh Goddess Lily I so resonate with your feelings. Sometimes it helps me thinking that this is just what I do not who I am.

  328.  #328Iamabutterfly on September 28, 2012 at 5:55 am

    a little late, but…@184 Turquoise – thank you so much for these beautiful thoughts. I am so sorry for the loss of your sister. I know that kind of pain never really goes away. (((((((((((Turquoise))))))))))))

  329.  #329Femininewoman on September 28, 2012 at 5:56 am

    I remember Sirenity but just this morning I heard a flip side on a talk show. A girl called in to say she was casually dating a guy and after sleeping with him discovered he was “cheating” on his girlfriend. The next happened was that the girlfriend called inviting her to join them in a 3-way. Everyone were apalled.

  330.  #330Rebecca on September 28, 2012 at 5:59 am

    @322: Goddess Lily

    Also, Goddes Lily, you being totally honest and vulnerable about your situation has really helped me.

    It is like you have really let your guard down and allowed yourself to be vulnerable, rather than hiding it, masking it, or pretending that you are fine with it.

    I much prefer that because it truly helps me.

    It so nice to hear other sirens just let it all out, moan if you will. I feel I can relate to them so much better rather than just feeling I am asking for advice.

    It is so great to see your process. And it is tangible, something I can relate too. I love that.

    I much prefer it to just the image that people are fine all the time and only choosing to talk about positive things.

    I don’t really need to discuss positive things. I only need to discuss stuff I need help with. If my life was all fine and dandy I’m not sure what I would be processing…

  331.  #331Iamabutterfly on September 28, 2012 at 6:02 am

    I got a makeover. New hair, etc. I feel lighter, more feminine, I just feel new.

    It made me want to change other aspects of myself. I would like to lose 10 lbs.

    This feels so triggering because I’ve struggled with eating disorders. I’d rather be a little plump and happy with myself, then slender and constantly beating myself up over every little mouthful I take.

    It’s was and can be a huge, dark, demonic, obsession, that can cause me to stop loving myself.

    I feel really scared to become too obsessive about it, but my clothes are starting to get tight.

    It would feel good to move more. I want to dance.
    I love dancing. It helps to see how beautiful my body is at any weight, it burns calories, and it helps me to love my body.

    but I’m so broke right now for classes or anything. I want to find other, more inexpensive ways to dance elegantly. yes, it has to be elegant and fluid, because that is what makes me feel good.

    I feel scared to start this journey…
    I can do it…

  332.  #332Femininewoman on September 28, 2012 at 6:12 am

    RE 311 I feel you Tereana.

    Your comments remind me of a book that CCarter recommends reading. Power vs Force. It was a difficult read for me but kinda reinforced that when we stand in power things seem to flow to us more naturally. The conundrum is how do we stand in power? Standing still and just being does not compute in my brain as power looking at a lot of other peoples experience.

  333.  #333Femininewoman on September 28, 2012 at 6:13 am

    Rebecca – reality check

  334.  #334Calypso on September 28, 2012 at 6:14 am

    Surrender to now . . . this is exactly what I needed to read – it is exactly what I need to do – I need to turn my back on GM and the romantic pain he brings me . . . I’m going to the beach with JC next weekend and it looks like we will be staying at the same condo where GM and I stayed this Spring – I’m glad. I think it will help cover the tracks of my broken heart and it will help me see the difference between a loving relationship and a toxic one.

    I want to heal.
    I’m drinking too much . . . I’m running in stilettos and my feet are bloody from it ~

  335.  #335Femininewoman on September 28, 2012 at 6:18 am

    Goddess Lily – cocky? really? You don’t have a cock so maybe that is the reason you don’t know how to be cocky!! If told that I believe it would make me feel gigly and also say I wasn’t born with one and have never developed that skill.

    On a serious note I believe he must be referring to confidence. Maybe your sharing your feelings is helping him to experience you as confident. Talk to yourself in the mirror, throw kisses at yourself and tell your reflection that she is beautiful. I can tell you that kind of thing has really affected my vibe. It was difficult at first because I cringed at my reflection but over time that changed and it was really eyeopening to “look” at my emotions.

  336.  #336MissStix on September 28, 2012 at 6:18 am

    Tam 308

    You have as much a right to your feelings as anyone here!!!

    Have a wonderful trip!!!! I <3 florida, wish you could pack me in your suitcase!! 😀

    Safe journey <3

  337.  #337Tereana on September 28, 2012 at 6:21 am

    Okay, Universe. I had some dreams, but I don’t remember them. I slept. Now I’m awake. No special answers.

    Oh well…

  338.  #338Femininewoman on September 28, 2012 at 6:21 am

    Hi Distant

  339.  #339Tereana on September 28, 2012 at 6:23 am

    Oh cool – Thank you, FW for the book recommendation!

  340.  #340Rebecca on September 28, 2012 at 6:26 am

    @331: Femininewoman

    People with depression respond better when they hear other peoples thought processes. It’s not some great, mystery then and they don’t feel like they are doing anything wrong and that struggling and difficult emotions such as anger, anxiety, jealousy, fear, etc are all part of the norm and that we all suffer from them.

    It helps us to process if we understand where everyone is coming from.

  341.  #341Tereana on September 28, 2012 at 6:27 am

    Rebecca – 318 – Thanks.

    Yes, I have been depressed in the past. Maybe I am right now and I don’t know it. But I also have PMS. And usually I can get pretty depressed during that time. So maybe that’s it. Which means that in a few days, when the hormones shift, all this will clear up.

    I drank dandelion root tea last night and took my EPO, so I could take care of myself until then.

    I can’t wait to feel better!!! : )

    (Hey, maybe that’s why Mother Nature gave us PMS – she gave us a really sh*tty experience pre-period, so that when we get the period we’re not that bummed. We’re actually relieved! Lol. That’s some crazy nature psychology right there…hahaha)

  342.  #342Tereana on September 28, 2012 at 6:32 am

    fyi – a lot of typos in #311 because I was typing on my phone : )

    So, one thing is standing out to me – an incredible urge that I had to “make things right” with Vman. To smooth things over. To make better. To apologize. It happened once before. When he was angry, we were “fighting” by text and I could feel it. The tension was so palpable to me, I couldn’t stand it. I suppose this happens to me with anyone I am “connected” with. I can feel their upset, and it bothers me. I don’t want to “sleep” on anger. I feel a need to resolve it. Is that bad? Is that codependent? Is that pathological? Or is it totally normal? Is it the result of my high sensitivity and empathy, and it is it also what anyone would do?

    I have no basis for knowing, because my parents fought all the time. Any truce was temporary. In a way, I fear tension, because it triggers that scared-helpless-little-girl feeling in me. But I don’t feel it that way. I simply feel it as “I need this to stop. What can I do or say to get this feeling to be over?” And then when it’s over, I feel better. As long as we are “cool” it’s okay.

    In this case, I also told Vman my truth. He says “we are cool.” I don’t feel it like we were the way we were before. Something feels different. But I’m not that worried about it. Okay, it doesn’t feel great. But I guess I don’t need to rush to change it or resolve it. Rushing to “make something happen” would be a mistake right now.

    I think I will focus on small miracles. I will go through my life today, and work, and at the end of the day, maybe have some fun, and finally rest. That is my plan. And let this vague discontent just sit on my heart, exactly as it is. Maybe she can be my friend….

  343.  #343Rebecca on September 28, 2012 at 6:33 am


    Yeah, I know what you mean. It is with me too, but maybe if I’m honest, a little more.

    Depression is nothing to be ashamed of. We don’t all have to handle things perfectly all the time.

  344.  #344Tereana on September 28, 2012 at 6:40 am

    Okay, one more spam before I go – to add to #311

    Yesterday, I heard the cutest song while I was in the car. It was so cute, and yet it almost made me cry. I dont’ have the exact words, but the guy was singing:

    “you have it so hard,
    I know you don’t love yourself,
    So, girl, just let me love you,
    Until you can learn to love yourself.”

    The first half was maybe a bit different (that’s the gist of it). But the second half was definitely it. And it made me really think about guys/men and what they have to teach us. Men find it easy to love themselves. It’s what happens for them as naturally as breathing. We get to learn it. And maybe one way is for a man to start loving us. And when he does, maybe then we DO find it easier to love ourselves.

    Not that we “need” a man in order for that process to happen. I’m just saying that maybe (and according to this song) perfect “self-love” is not a prerequisite to us being in a relationship. But maybe a man who wants to love us, wants to love un in a broken state. He wants to love us and support us, even as we are learning to do the beautiful thing we call “loving ourselves.” Maybe he can even teach us about it and feel useful in our lives, because he’s able to alter how we feel – if we let him in, despite how broken we might feel.

    Okay, typing that actually made me cry. I don’t why, exactly. It just feels so right somehow, so sweet and so pleasant – and so much easier than believing that I have to do all this work, and to do this “loving myself” perfectly before anyone else can love me. That might be a belief that i just need to let go of right now….

  345.  #345Femininewoman on September 28, 2012 at 6:42 am

    Tereana maybe that’s why dad’s and daughter’s relationship is so important. He teaches her to love herself and how she deserve to be loved? When he is a good/evolved man.

  346.  #346Femininewoman on September 28, 2012 at 6:51 am

    Vi – I intend to share that belief with you.

  347.  #347MissStix on September 28, 2012 at 6:58 am

    Baby steps

    You are asking the right questions.

    The only advice I have for you now is keep writing it out. Keep asking the questions because in time, and with practice you will learn the answers. You may have to answer most of these questions on your own.

    This is how it has happened for me, and I believe, most other sirens who feel as if they mostly “get it”. And you’ll notice we all have our own ways of doing things. But the primary stuff, the idea, the basic principle is all the same! Feel those feelings and learn how to love them and express them. Practice practice practice! Put yourself in situations that FEEL unusual and uncomfy and learn to love those feelings. Or situations that feel familiar and good/bad/uncomfy and lather, rinse, repeat. It will come.

    After some time passes you will look back on what you did not understand and say “Woah…I have come so far! I get that now!”

  348.  #348LiliBee on September 28, 2012 at 7:00 am

    I’m feeling a little more relaxed this morning.
    I still feel an undercurrent of tension in my chest.
    It feels like a tightly woven ball rumbling desperately holding back to keep itself from bursting open.
    I imagine the feeling of relief when it finally does burst open to let out the trapped energy.
    It would feel so flowy and peaceful after.

    That little ball of energy may be the urge to control an outcome.
    It’s dying to come out, and I am surpressing it.
    Struggling to keep the empty space open.
    I’m bouncing from leaning on the back of the space to let the new come in to standing in the middle of it.
    Standing in the middle of it, I feel the energy field tighten up as it has less space to flow.
    It feels constricting.
    When I step back and let it flow freely, I feel a release of pressure.

  349.  #349Femininewoman on September 28, 2012 at 7:00 am

    “i felt like i won the lottery hearing that.

    I so know this feeling.

  350.  #350Femininewoman on September 28, 2012 at 7:03 am

    It is raining very heavily here. I wish I could have stayed in bed all day.

    I feel like reminiscing/nostalgic thinking about the beginning of 2012. All the plans and dreams I had. The year seemed to have drifted by very quickly. On Monday we begin the October which is the beginning of the last three months of the year.

  351.  #351MissStix on September 28, 2012 at 7:07 am

    mmmm I feel real again. I feel…Refreshed. I feel me. I felt my connection to the universe so strong and I knew. In that moment I got it. Yes…Every itty bitty little happening in my life is a part of my life. A part of me. And that’s REALLY cool! Like…No matter how I feel in any given situation it is just an absorbing. A processing. My absorbing. My body. My brain. My chemicals produced by my body and my brain. And….aww I don’t have to feel frightened of this happening! I can reserve my fear feelings for situations that actually call for fear! Like…If a moth flies bear me EEEEEEEEP! Woah. Now that’s a scary situation. Bring on the fear feelings 🙂

  352.  #352LiliBee on September 28, 2012 at 7:11 am

    D called last night.
    He didn’t know what to say.
    I just asked “How are you.”

    I let go of all controll by not asking any questions other than “How are you.”
    No “What have you been up to?” No “What are you doing?”

    I told him I missed him.
    He didn’t respond, and I left it.

    He didn’t mention wanting to see me.
    This is his weekend to have his son.
    I did not ask him what he had planned, surrendering totally to open space and not controlling.
    He said he had some work to do in his garage on Saturday.
    We left the convo him saying “We’ll talk again.”
    I said simply “OK, goodnight.”

    I would rather have him call me and plan to see me bc he feels inspired to.
    I intend to have things flow to me instead of controlling and demanding it to.

    I have plans for myself this weekend anyway.
    I am looking forward to focusing on me by doing things for me like: Cleaning, organizing, working on my wishboard, watching chick flicks.
    It will feel good to get recentered and refocused on myself.

  353.  #353MissStix on September 28, 2012 at 7:12 am

    Aww I love me and I love my fear feeling when a moth flies by. And I scream and freeze and then flight kicks in and my arms flail and I book it!!!!! Fat squirmy irratic little insects. So freaky! You scare the ish outta me but I still love you. Awww you look so gross…Like you belong in the underworld! But your celestial navigation system is UBER COOL like…I wish I used the stars to navigate when I fly…

  354.  #354LiliBee on September 28, 2012 at 7:13 am

    The forecast calls for cold and rain here all weekend.
    A perfect weekend to cocoon and get wrapped up in myself.

  355.  #355MissStix on September 28, 2012 at 7:14 am

    awww so much compassion for the moth. So many many many eons of evolving and us humans wreck it all with electricity. (((((moths))))) (((((humans)))))

  356.  #356Daria on September 28, 2012 at 7:16 am

    im feeling so frustrated with myself!

    when will i have enough money to prove to my dad that im not a loser!

    when will i be famous and recognized enough to prove to my dad that we’re worthy

    when will i be free enough to travel whenever wherever on my own

    when will i be mindful enough to care for my beauty consistently

    when will i be cool enough to have cool people consistently inviting me out and connecting with me

    when will i ‘get it togheter’ enough to choreograph and video my dance video

    when will i be healed enough to write articles and create a website to help people

    when will i be magical enough to attract donations

    when will i be poweful enough to be able to free people from imprisonment

    and feel safe treated by armed peoples

    i feel so frustrated with this world

    i feel like throwing my lego blocks at teh wall!!

  357.  #357Starla on September 28, 2012 at 7:19 am

    blooming 287
    thank youuuuu

  358.  #358Goddess Lily on September 28, 2012 at 7:21 am

    Thank you Rebecca and FW and everyone else. I really appreciate everyone here. I don’t always get to respond to those that have taken the time to help me and my questions so I apologize for that. I’m typically at work, or worse, driving and can’t type on my little phone that well. BUT I want to let everybody know that read, process through and appreciate the feedback even if you don’t hear from me.

  359.  #359Goddess Lily on September 28, 2012 at 7:23 am

    FW-And now I’m giggling at cocky. DA compared me to another woman here at work and he said the only thing she has over me is that.

  360.  #360Daria on September 28, 2012 at 7:23 am

    oh i like this list!

    that pretty much covers my troubles/1

    i can tap on it! – oh WHEN will i have the mindfulness and energy to do so

    i feel PIST


  361.  #361Iamabutterfly on September 28, 2012 at 7:28 am

    343: Tereana – I love that song sooooooo much! Ne-yo – Let me love you. Makes me feel hopeful, accepted, optimistic.

  362.  #362MissStix on September 28, 2012 at 7:31 am

    Tahday I getta go shopping with a mans debit card! Ohh that feels so fun and playful. I am, as my mom says, a kept woman. Hehehe Happy birthday to me! Monday monday monday!!! The first day of the best month awwww yeah. My mom had a c-section scheduled on my dad’s bday. But in true stix form I said He11 to the no and said hello to this world a few days early. Ummm pshhyeah! I require my own bday tyvm! And ((((mommy)))) who was asleep when I came to this world because I was being stubborn and would not come, and the fear…Omg. She must have felt so many fear feelings before they knocked her out. Heart rate dropping.Something is wrong. Emergency c-section NOW! No time for epidural, put her under! lets go! Tense mommy. No room for stix to slip out until you were asleep :p but at least they did not have to operate 😀 Collapsed lung. Awww tiny baby stix. Always a fighter. No way I would kick it out of this world just because I only had one working lung. No. effing. way. And here I am! Turning 29 on monday. Go me!

  363.  #363Femininewoman on September 28, 2012 at 7:33 am

    (((((((((((((Stix’s Mom))))))))))))))))

    Happy Birthday Miss Stix

  364.  #364MissStix on September 28, 2012 at 7:36 am

    Omgosh…I’m a survivor! Wow that feels cool! I survived a traumatic birth. Dangerous conditions. Some b1tch ran over me with her car when I was just a little girl. Hey lady!! Stop making kissy faces with your bf in the back seat and pay attention to the parking lot!!! There’s a little girl walking around….ooops! You thought you ran over a dog so you kept driving. Ignorant. Sigh. It’s ok I forgive I guess…Maybe not. I don’t feel forgiveness when I have dreams about that day. Do I need to heal this?

  365.  #365MissStix on September 28, 2012 at 7:39 am


    Many thanks!!

  366.  #366Goddess Lily on September 28, 2012 at 7:39 am

    Happy Birthday Miss Stix

  367.  #367MissStix on September 28, 2012 at 7:47 am

    🙂 Thank you goddess!

    I feel now like I was fishing for happy bdays hehe not my intention, but yum! I love happy birthdays! 🙂

  368.  #368MissStix on September 28, 2012 at 7:56 am

    hmmm I’ve never thought of this…Going way way back in my memory to find healing.

    I went back to that rest stop in oregon when I was in my early 20’s. It felt…Strange. eerie. Like…I remembered it all. But the hill there looked much bigger in my mind than it really was. I felt mild anger…I feel it now. I remember it all. My dad…Walking accross the lot to that hill and he had a bag of bugles and yum!!! I wanted some. So I followed him, but I never got to him. And then it’s blank. But this is where my recurring dream kicks in and it’s no longer blank. I live the whole thing over and over. And past the dream memories are more real memories. Pain. Blood. Tears. Clothing being cut off me. And ohhhhh I loved that little outfit so much! and little stix put up a fight. Don’t cut it!!! noooooo. Silly little girl. No one gave a sh1t about your little outfit with the colourful swirly shapes on it…. I made them keep it. And I had that cut up skirt until I was about 11. hmmm…years until I could surrender it to the trash.

  369.  #369Starla on September 28, 2012 at 7:56 am

    i feel all over the place about Warrior.
    So I got on OKCupid and started answering messages that I’ve left unanswered for a long time. It feels like good distraction.

    I believe my great love is out there, and it feels confusing to get sidetracked, in a way, by someone that isn’t giving me ‘great love potential’ vibes. But at the same time, I feel strongly that he is an important stepping stone on the way.

    So, yeah, confused.

  370.  #370MissStix on September 28, 2012 at 7:59 am

    Oh but I did do this before. I did it with the bullying stuff…And it worked!!! It worked so well I almost forgot it was a trauma. Now it just is what it is. Events that occurred….Hmmmm this is good. Keep it up ((((me))))

  371.  #371Femininewoman on September 28, 2012 at 8:12 am

    Starla my humble opinion is that you are making a wise decision. This is your life and it is in your best interest to go for what you want in it.

  372.  #372Femininewoman on September 28, 2012 at 8:15 am

    Oh my ((((((((((((MissStix)))))))))))))

    Even if it was a dog one would hope that a human would at least stop to make sure. I wonder what was happening with her. Poor little stix but the Universe did cradle you.

  373.  #373Brandylion on September 28, 2012 at 8:16 am

    So the guy who wants to take me out Saturday doesn’t seem to be listening when I tell him that I already have dinner plans.

    I’ve already declined his offer for dinner because I have said plans. He responded well when I said I like to let a man lead by planning dates. He keeps asking me about my favorite food and my favorite restaurants near where I live and where I’d like to go.

    I know he just wants to make me happy, but I don’t know how to reply anymore with FMs to convey that going out for food with him on Saturday is not what I want because I’m already going out for food with other people!

    I don’t know how to just receive what he is offering me! I’m not going to go out for Indian food with him in the afternoon because I have dinner plans at 7. I’m not going to force myself to eat twice just to be nice and accept a date with him. I don’t know what to do.


  374.  #374Femininewoman on September 28, 2012 at 8:17 am

    How about breakfast?

  375.  #375MissStix on September 28, 2012 at 8:19 am

    mmm starla!

    I like your awareness and yes, if a man is a stepping stone in our mind I don’t believe he has great love potential. And I feel curious…Not a question so much as a wondering…How would it feel for starla to explore this stepping stone vision. What would she discover. I wonder… and maybe she’s already aware of this. She probably is 🙂

  376.  #376Femininewoman on September 28, 2012 at 8:20 am

    What Is ‘Bitch’ Language, And How Does It Affect Your Relationship?”

    Hi, This is Rori –

    Just the word “Bitch” is so provocative. It brings up so many feelings – which means that talking about it will help you so much – it moves us forward and upward so much more quickly when we work with powerful, emotional images and issues.

    I know this “bitch” theme is recurring in this series of letters – and I’ve discovered that for most of my clients – this “bitch” “label” and energy is a source of deep pain and deep power.

    If you’ve found yourself being so “nice” with a man because you’re afraid to “set a foot wrong” – that can completely block a real, emotional connection with him.

    If we’re out of touch with your inner “bitch” and stuff her down and judge her and try to “rise above” her – we pretty much insure a superficial relationship with a man – denying him access to one of most ATTRACTIVE qualities, and often creating “drama” when we least want to.

    In my new group coaching class “You Get Love” we’ll deal with YOUR unique issues. You may need one-on-one help with Circular Dating, or Feeling Messages, or getting in touch with your inner “bitch” and “drama queen.” In You Get Love – you get personal time with me.

    So, now that we’ve talked a bit about Masculine and Feminine Energies, let’s talk about what “Bitch” language looks and sounds like:

    1. A combination of Masculine and Feminine energies that’s intriguing, disturbing and destructive (still, much more attractive to a man than “bland”).

    2. It’s sort of “hands-on-hips, leaning forward, pointing finger, making him wrong.”

    3. It says “YOU did this, and YOU did that, and YOU are like this, and YOU are causing this…”

    4. It walks away when things aren’t going the way it wants. Literally walks away. (Very intriguing to a man.)

    As a contrast, here’s what pure Feminine Energy language – that’s completely attractive, magnetic and conveys the feeling that you’re just “being” – looks and sounds like:

    1. It’s leaned-back, warm, inviting, grounded, centered, no-nonsense, feeling, easy, taking responsibility for itself, just Being

    2. It says “I feel, I’m feeling, I felt…” It feels…and NEVER mentions HIM

    3. It stands still when things aren’t going the way it wants, and if it starts feeling bad, it walks away. (Yep – walking away is FEMININE. “Hanging-in” when it feels bad is MASCULINE.)

    The first step for ANY shifts in your results is to know what things look and feel like, and to become aware of what you’re feeling and the words you’re using. Everything after that is just step-by-step, and personal help to do that is what you’ll get in my “You Get Love” 7-week class==>>

    Love, Rori

  377.  #377Femininewoman on September 28, 2012 at 8:22 am

    What Is ‘Bi!tch’ Language, And How Does It Affect Your Relationship?”

    Hi, This is Rori –

    Just the word “Biatch” is so provocative. It brings up so many feelings – which means that talking about it will help you so much – it moves us forward and upward so much more quickly when we work with powerful, emotional images and issues.

    I know this “b!itch” theme is recurring in this series of letters – and I’ve discovered that for most of my clients – this “b!itch” “label” and energy is a source of deep pain and deep power.

    If you’ve found yourself being so “nice” with a man because you’re afraid to “set a foot wrong” – that can completely block a real, emotional connection with him.

    If we’re out of touch with your inner “biatch” and stuff her down and judge her and try to “rise above” her – we pretty much insure a superficial relationship with a man – denying him access to one of most ATTRACTIVE qualities, and often creating “drama” when we least want to.

    In my new group coaching class “You Get Love” we’ll deal with YOUR unique issues. You may need one-on-one help with Circular Dating, or Feeling Messages, or getting in touch with your inner “biatch” and “drama queen.” In You Get Love – you get personal time with me.

    So, now that we’ve talked a bit about Masculine and Feminine Energies, let’s talk about what “Biatch” language looks and sounds like:

    1. A combination of Masculine and Feminine energies that’s intriguing, disturbing and destructive (still, much more attractive to a man than “bland”).

    2. It’s sort of “hands-on-hips, leaning forward, pointing finger, making him wrong.”

    3. It says “YOU did this, and YOU did that, and YOU are like this, and YOU are causing this…”

    4. It walks away when things aren’t going the way it wants. Literally walks away. (Very intriguing to a man.)

    As a contrast, here’s what pure Feminine Energy language – that’s completely attractive, magnetic and conveys the feeling that you’re just “being” – looks and sounds like:

    1. It’s leaned-back, warm, inviting, grounded, centered, no-nonsense, feeling, easy, taking responsibility for itself, just Being

    2. It says “I feel, I’m feeling, I felt…” It feels…and NEVER mentions HIM

    3. It stands still when things aren’t going the way it wants, and if it starts feeling bad, it walks away. (Yep – walking away is FEMININE. “Hanging-in” when it feels bad is MASCULINE.)

    The first step for ANY shifts in your results is to know what things look and feel like, and to become aware of what you’re feeling and the words you’re using. Everything after that is just step-by-step, and personal help to do that is what you’ll get in my “You Get Love” 7-week class==>>

    Love, Rori

  378.  #378MissStix on September 28, 2012 at 8:23 am


    Yes those have always been my thoughts as well.

    And in the minutes that have passed since that post I have tried to put myself in her driver’s seat. And I found I felt so gross. So ick and nauseated and I could throw up feeling the thump and then bump of running over any living thing with the wheels of a car. I had to stop. Triggering is good but I don’t like the ghagging feeling. I don’t want to force trigger myself today. I feel too happy! Maybe another time.

  379.  #379Femininewoman on September 28, 2012 at 8:27 am

    I feel compassion for her

  380.  #380Starla on September 28, 2012 at 8:28 am

    fw, thanks:) wise feels good

    though i haven’t ‘decided’ anything hehe

  381.  #381Radlove on September 28, 2012 at 8:29 am


    18 – A few months ago, I picked up an older lady who was hitch-hiking. Turns out she had no car and simply needed a ride from her house to a grocery store. I gave her several rides after that, along with $50, before I left my job. She was waiting to be approved for social security, and she didn’t even have money for toilet paper. She had no phone.

    When my situation deteriorated after I lost my job, I continued to stop by to see if she needed rides. She took offense over a simple misunderstanding of a certain time she wanted to be picked up, and she snarled at me. After that, she wouldn’t even open her door when I came around.

    I concluded that for some people, they are so wounded that they simply are not able to let love in, or to give love. I will be praying for you.

  382.  #382Femininewoman on September 28, 2012 at 8:29 am

    “Longing makes me feel alive. It taps into my imagination and takes me to a place of romance and lust and passion that this daily life of recycling, cleaning the kitchen, working and cuddling don’t even graze. ”

    I wonder if this is what men go through when they are in their caves? I wonder if this is the reason some consciously choose to poof? Then reappear with gusto as if nothing happened?

  383.  #383Femininewoman on September 28, 2012 at 8:30 am


  384.  #384Femininewoman on September 28, 2012 at 8:31 am

    Take your time girl.

    You deserve the best Starla.

  385.  #385MissStix on September 28, 2012 at 8:32 am


    Biatch!! I like this…Oh and this is a great reminder that when I remove myself I am being my feminine being.

    And maybe i’m a little afraid to access my biatch even still. I feel so comfy accessing my feminine and it’s so rare for me to combine that with masculine and sink into biatch. Hmmm but it does feel safe now. Talkiing about it. And I wonder…What kind of situations could I use to access this biatch? Hmmm I feel I was accessing it a little talking about the driver woman of that car. Yes. I feel more comfy to access the biatch when I think I am entirely innocent in the situation. But it may be a learning experience to access this facet of me on occasion even if i’m not so entirely innocent. This would feel powerful and unafraid.

  386.  #386Annie on September 28, 2012 at 8:33 am

    I feel crap, so tired.
    I want to feel better and well.
    need some healthy food.

    Feel sad because not well enough to go out, feel best rest.
    Grrrrrr I hate being ill.

  387.  #387Annie on September 28, 2012 at 8:34 am

    Happy Birthday miss stix.

  388.  #388Starla on September 28, 2012 at 8:36 am

    Radlove, give me a break. leave me alone. show some respect. you made your bed, now lie in it. grow up. etc., etc., etc.

    btw, that one “anonymous” donor who added to LG’s pot of money she gave you was me. It’s not that I don’t care about you, it’s that I WANT YOU TO LEAVE ME ALONE BECAUSE COMMUNICATING WITH YOU DOES NOT FEEL GOOD FOR ME. Leave. me. alone. LEAVE ME ALONE LEAVE ME ALONE LEAVE ME ALONE.

  389.  #389Starla on September 28, 2012 at 8:38 am

    Thanks, FW. I feel a little scared he’s gonna “poof” on me if I don’t sleep with him now that I’ve been teasing and hinting that I would like to.

    ah well

    It’s fun to see how “okay” i am, though. this sort of stuff used to drive me batty.

  390.  #390MissStix on September 28, 2012 at 8:42 am


    Great great wonderings about man caving!

    He has not requested alone time in a long time, but when he used to request it he would say “I like to think we could have times where we miss each other.” and I related to that and it felt honest.

  391.  #391MissStix on September 28, 2012 at 8:43 am

    Even if my feelings were irritated to hear that 😉

  392.  #392MissStix on September 28, 2012 at 8:45 am

    More happy bdays! hooray 🙂 thx annie

  393.  #393Femininewoman on September 28, 2012 at 8:46 am

    Bob Grant talks about sexual tension

  394.  #394Femininewoman on September 28, 2012 at 9:05 am

    “I think it was the stupidest thing I’ve done in the whole relationship. It was terrible. I inflicted tremendous pain on Maria and unbelievable pain on the kids,” Schwarzenegger said of the affair that led to a son who is now 14.

  395.  #395Rebecca on September 28, 2012 at 9:07 am

    Miss Stix

    Happy birthday!!

  396.  #396Femininewoman on September 28, 2012 at 9:11 am

    3. Don’t tell your wife.

    OK, I’m here comes the hate mail.

    But here’s my reasoning.

    If you tell your wife, she’s quite simply never going to trust you again.

    This one incident is going to be a wedge between you that’s going to fester in her mind for the rest of your lives together.

    She’s always going to be stewing over this in the back of her mind. Comparing herself to the other woman. Wondering if you’re cheating on her again.

    It’ll be like a cancer and it’ll never go away.

    If you love your wife and your family, you should move on.

    Be a great husband. Be a great Dad. Realize you messed up because you’re human and arrange your life so this kind of thing isn’t going to happen again.

    Got it?

    (Now, if you’re a serial cheater who’s bounding into bed with whoever is available while lying to your woman with a level of skill most of us only
    have for Tetris . . well, then you’re just a dick and you owe it to your wife to end things and move on.)



    -Mike Fiore

  397.  #397Rori Raye on September 28, 2012 at 9:12 am

    Joseph – I can’t believe I’m letting your comment through (I hardly ever let men onto this blog) – but I just think you have a compassionate and sweet “voice” and that we can help you as much as you can help us. The problem for most women these days is that we meet men like you. Good men, who believe they can’t have relationships. I personally know SEVERAL GREAT men who simply can’t seem to find “Ms. Right.” They simply aren’t in relationships. They “try,” though, and I hear that you don’t.

    The question I put to you is this. Forgetting what you “think” – do you really believe that at this point in your life, allowing things to be the same until you die is the greatest choice? If you had some help, read books, did some coaching, went to meditation centers and speed dating and Circular Dated yourself – do you think it might be possible that having this kind of romantic “adventure” – sort of like traveling and trying new things in general like learning to ballroom dance….might be worth the pain and discomfort? I mean – deep emotional companionship is a wonderful thing. Do you really want to make the choice that you’re never going to have it?

    I say to all of us: Be BRAVE. Cultivate bravery. Cultivate new ways of thinking, new ways of being and participating in and experiencing life.

    Life is life. I don’t encourage making ideological decisions about it and then gathering evidence to support our theories. Life isn’t a rehearsal for something else. It’s not a play we’re writing were we’re concerned about how the dialogue goes, and how the characters are written, and what the plot is.

    It just IS. It unfolds. Every moment, every choice we make sends us off in a new direction. We either go with that flow, or we resign ourselves to something we make up and then try to live out.

    If you’ll reconsider the possibilities, I would be very encouraging.

    You seem like a sensitive, thoughtful man. Would love really be so “not worth it” for you?

    Love, Rori

  398.  #398Starla on September 28, 2012 at 9:12 am

    happy birthday miss stix:)

  399.  #399Rebecca on September 28, 2012 at 9:16 am

    Lol, I think Rori’s comment to Joseph seriously applies to me too…

  400.  #400Daria on September 28, 2012 at 9:16 am

    i feel so triggered sometimes when someone shares a story with a ‘moral’

    i feel ENRAGED actually

    like im being paved over by cement, alive


    i wonder whatsup with that

  401.  #401Goddess Lily on September 28, 2012 at 9:19 am

    Can someone summarize what Joseph said? My attention span is extra short today but I want to understand.

  402.  #402Rebecca on September 28, 2012 at 9:20 am

    @400: Daria

    Wow Daria – that is some serious triggering!

  403.  #403Rebecca on September 28, 2012 at 9:23 am

    @401: Goddess Lily

    My geist of the comment is:

    Joseph is a really sweet guy who can’t seem to get a girlfriend – so Rori is telling him just to get out there and have a go.

    Try online dating, speed dating, anything and everything…

    I think.

    And I wholeheartedly agree with her and it’s what I need to do…


  404.  #404Daria on September 28, 2012 at 9:25 am

    Rebecca – yeah! and it feels weird cuz i usually get that feeling from the first half of the sentence of said stories that trigger me

    its like, i get the impression someone is nto looking at me but talking over me and paving me over

    and it feels confusing, i don’t quite ‘get’ why it feels that powerfully triggering

    ive noticed feeling this way over and over

    i feel like a non-human … i feel like im being denied or annihilated.. hmm… totally not heard

    i feel like punching to show im alive

    totally powerless

    tummy tightening


    i feel urge to control and STOP that bulldozing story


    i want some healing and shifts around this


  405.  #405Femininewoman on September 28, 2012 at 9:25 am

    Oh my. Joseph phew. That was a lot to digest. A lot to see, looking through your eyes. At my age, I have to admit that I agree with a bit of what you said. Your life experiences are valid and affect your choices. I am pretty sure many of the younger generation will disagree with what might be experienced as a soliloquy. But thank you.

  406.  #406Rebecca on September 28, 2012 at 9:31 am

    404: Daria

    I take it you are talking about Rad loves story?

    Lol, it made me laugh to be honest!! Hehe… it sort of tickled me…

    Wonder what it’s bringing up for you?

  407.  #407Femininewoman on September 28, 2012 at 9:33 am

    RE 406/404

    I got the impression it was about Joseph’s comment

  408.  #408Daria on September 28, 2012 at 9:36 am

    hmm well yes right now Radlove’s comment has triggered me, and almost always the comments with stories with ‘morals’ at then end always trigger me this way.

    also my mom’s similar stories

    i haven’t read Josephs comment

  409.  #409Daria on September 28, 2012 at 9:45 am

    im triggered w my mom looking away from me as she launches into a story – i mockingly can repeat it in my head

    she iwll sometimes literally raise her voice to continue talking when im talking

    also ‘rambling old person’ comes to mind

    i feel like ‘i’m being used’ when this is happening

    i feel that way reading some of Radlove’s stories especially repeated ones, and i feel quite horrible – then blameful and vengeful when those comments pop up

    (theres one about the ‘very intelligent’ us attorney,
    another about ‘growing up i experienced a lot of emotional abuse,’ and i think another that comes up repeatedly)

    im not sure what triggers me about this!!! which feels frustrating

    i feel afraid and ashamed actually to talk about this, i imagine this can feel triggering to Radlove

    i feel this urge to just shut up the person telling me this story

    i do NOT give permission for my energy to be used this way!!!

    it seems like an explaining as a form of control thing for me

    i don’t know… i just know i feel very very angry being talked to that way

    totally out of proportion seeming reaction

    i have been practicing just skipping the comments. i get the ‘feeling’ within the first few words… i wonder if its energetic or what

    this also happens with other people’s stories (with morals), Radlove’s are just the ones i’ve noticed the strongest
    reaction/trigger for me that i can recall right now

  410.  #410Daria on September 28, 2012 at 9:49 am

    i feel very guilty bringing this up too

    i know theres a lot of ‘blame’ feeling from me and i don’t want to put that out on anyone

    sorry Radlove

    i wish i could get clear about what is so triggering for me

    it might be that i do this too.. hmm… run my stories over on people?

    or is ti just the trigger from my mom?

    being tuned out and feeling very unheard and ‘forced’ to remain there to be used as a sounding board

    i feel unsure

    i feel very upset now

    thats probably it

    i love all my feelings

  411.  #411Femininewoman on September 28, 2012 at 9:51 am

    RE 410 – Daria I am hearing my son’s voice reading these comments. My daughter seem to handle it better than him. But I am seeing him shut down and shutting me out when I do this to him.

  412.  #412Emerson on September 28, 2012 at 9:52 am

    Wow miss stix thanks for sharing about your life I feel gom
    Compassion and inspiration reading your posts

  413.  #413Rebecca on September 28, 2012 at 9:52 am

    409: Daria

    I soooo relate to you!

    I have been there many times when people are talking ‘at’ me.

    I hate it!!

    It actually has made me ill.

    I get you about Radlove’s stories too. (Sorry Radlove!)

  414.  #414Daria on September 28, 2012 at 9:55 am

    it was very hard for me to not see this as the storyteller’s ‘fault’

    i have such a strong urge to somehow get them to stop.

    that probably comes across in my comments – sorry Radlove

    it’s ‘wrong’ to do this keeps coming up for me

    i feel lost and confused

    maybe i was very small when i first started getting lectured this way?

    i want to beg to just stop stop stop!

    please stop!

    it feels horrible horrible!

    how can i own my power

    how can i bring this back to me

    its possible i lecture myself and its part of my obsessive thinking


    this is explaining as a form of control! – thought? blame? judgement/=?

    so confused

    but it is!

    and it Does feel bad

    it does it does


    feeling bummed

    i do NOT want to be talked to this way

    sweetly: like what/?? blink blink

    oh i feel so confused

    i don’t knwo like what

    just this way

    this horrible feeling way


    ok feeling a lil more open

    its nobodys fault

    that im getting triggered

    actually i might be healing some of this now

    oh i still feel reageful just hearing the beginning of it in my mind

    im about to be disrespected, tuned out, talked at, not to, treated like a listening post, made uniimportant




    tight mouth

    i love my tight mouth

    tight heart

    i love my tight heart

  415.  #415Rebecca on September 28, 2012 at 9:56 am

    @410: Daria

    Daria, can I ask, since using Rori’s tools has this got better for you? I really hope it works for me.

    It’s the lack of control that I hate. How I seem to be in that position voluntarily and I can’t get out…

  416.  #416Daria on September 28, 2012 at 9:58 am

    i feel heard feminine woman and Rebecca

    Rebecca wow i feel surprised and reassured hearing that it made you feel ill

    yes this is how i feel , like rage or some kind of violation of myself turning my stomach

    it feels horrible

    i feel trembly and tight cheeks and sad now

    i love my feelings


  417.  #417Daria on September 28, 2012 at 10:02 am

    Rebecca – yes , i can now notice “this doesn’t feel good” and skip the comment instead of forcing myself to listen

    i have also just practiced being there and feeling it with my mom, in a very present way

    im also able to say no, i dont want to talk right now and leave the room (even if some drama ensues)



    yes its better

    i have some tools now to say no

    my mom doesn’t actually do this so much anymore , i wonder if its from my tools

    ive also tried saying HEY HEY HEYYYYY!!! when the talking over me is happening


    sometimes i get pulled into arguing after, but ive been practicing staying wiht FM’s and dont wants lately

    just recently i was able to do it very well for the first time in a triggering situation where i was being picked on (in my perspective) by her

  418.  #418Daria on September 28, 2012 at 10:03 am

    it feels scary to break the pattern but it has brought change. def worth it, even if i make ‘mistakes’ by getting defensive after

  419.  #419MissStix on September 28, 2012 at 10:04 am


    I am really wondering a lot of things about what you’re saying and i’d like to thank you for saying them because I think I do that “I have the wisdom” talking sometimes. And it really does feel calming to know how others might feel receiving this.

    And in return, to you…

    When I do this I think like “Oh, I see this person might feel suffering and i’ve been through that too and maybe my story can give them perspective!” Then I feel almost like i’m showering them with compassion. But I see now it may not be received and felt that way.

  420.  #420Laughing Goddess on September 28, 2012 at 10:08 am

    I’m feeling very sensitive at the moment. I just cried lots of tears watching this show about a topic that is very moving to me.

    And feeling a little unsafe here. There’s a little voice in my head telling me I am being ganged up on a bit…which I know is not really true, just feels true at the moment.

    And feeling kind of angry and annoyed at ‘office politics’ type vibes. Actually feeling grossed out by that and judgmental.

    I’m actually feeling better though as I write this because I know I can turn things around and have a great day.

    I don’t want to fall into that victim voice or us vs them mentality.

    Mmmmm, I love me and my awareness that I don’t have to go there. That feels great to think about.

    Feeling sensitive to harshness, harsh words, harsh vibes. And now feeling some compassion coming up.
    What must be going on in people’s heads to act that way? Probably looking for acceptance and validation.

    Awwww, (((humans))). That’s what we all want anyway probably, to know that we are accepted and loved.

    Wow, awareness of that really shifts things a lot.

  421.  #421MissStix on September 28, 2012 at 10:10 am

    And When I read radloves comment I felt a lottle lurch in my belly at “I am praying for you…” like oh no!! But I wasn’t sure why I felt that…So I went and read the original comment (18 i believe) by starla. Then my brain said ohhhhh no no no! oh yuck. It feels kind of icky to think of someone praying for someone when the person neither wants, nor needs a parayer. And like…Tense in my belly watching someone get TOLD they need a prayer and told that they are too wounded to let love in. and then I moved on…

  422.  #422Starla on September 28, 2012 at 10:11 am

    I have been having dreams about my exes. They’re always about just one ex at a time. In my dreams, they’re catching me act abusive toward them or others.

    In my dream last night, I smacked A across the face with my cell phone. I felt so angry about something stupid/trivial in my dream.

    I never hit him but I definitely was aggressive/abusive with him when we were together.

  423.  #423Femininewoman on September 28, 2012 at 10:12 am

    “too wounded to let love in”

    How dare I make such an assertion about anyone?

  424.  #424MissStix on September 28, 2012 at 10:14 am



    I feel guilty again talking of others instead of to them. but I am committed to open now. And I would never do this anywhere other than where you can see it.

  425.  #425Starla on September 28, 2012 at 10:14 am

    ohhh i’m not too worried about it. it’s just a case of someone not respecting and/or second-guessing my boundaries.

    I have a lot of love in my life:)

  426.  #426Laughing Goddess on September 28, 2012 at 10:15 am

    Been sharing a computer with my guy and feeling so triggered about FB. He leaves his account open and I’ll go to open up FB and his account will pop up and I’ll see that he has a new message or friend request and I feel such a strong curiosity and urge to look but I don’t. The urge is so strong it almost hurts.

    And a few times I have opened something up accidentally because I will absentmindedly think it’s my account and he doesn’t even care at all. I will just tell him so that he doesn’t overlook the message from not seeing the notification.

    And I love that he has nothing to hide and doesn’t care about me having access to his account.

    And I love that I haven’t been looking intentionally.

    oh, but it does feel challenging at times. And it’s not from lack of trust, just strong curiosity and I think a conditioning to click on those buttons when I see the little notification symbol.

  427.  #427Femininewoman on September 28, 2012 at 10:15 am

    RE 419 – Just this morning I again heard the comment “if it makes you feel better” and felt the condescending energy.

    This discussion is helping me to clarify my feelings around this comment.

  428.  #428Daria on September 28, 2012 at 10:16 am

    miss stix – i feel frustrated about the difference

    i dont know why sometimes i feel open and receiving, and other times i feel like a blanket or the blinds are being drawn over me

    it seems like the ‘blanket drawn over me ‘ stories have something repetitive and ‘remote’ about them to me, like they’re drawn out of some kinda of mental memory

    they don’t feel ‘alive’ to me,

    but i still feel confused as to the actual differences between that and stories i feel good and open hearing

  429.  #429Daria on September 28, 2012 at 10:18 am

    office politics in the blog triggered me to feel unseen (and then rage)

    i feel rage often when i feel unseen


    go D

  430.  #430MissStix on September 28, 2012 at 10:18 am

    420 LG

    I like your openness!

    This is good. These posts are great.

  431.  #431bloom-ing on September 28, 2012 at 10:18 am

    i had a dream last night …. it was hilarious actually !

    i dreamt i was climbing the stairs of a ski lodge

    i saw my ex boyfriend from hs/college & he gave me a flirty smile

    & i smiled,

    very excited ! to introduce him to my cat & my partner,

    so then i turned around

    & instead of CD, there was a blonde girl with me ??

    lol & i felt pretty baffled, but i just said to the ex, ” hey, so this is my cat & this is my —

    & i couldn’t finish my sentence.

    i was just looking at this girl like ? what ? who are you ?

    i almost said “this is my cousin” but that didn’t make sense….

    finally the girl said, “i’m her partner”

    & i said, “my partner, X” – X being the name of the girl who was my best friend when i dated this ex & suddenly the girl morphed looking more like my best friend from high school / college…

    & the ex was smiling all bemused, like, “you’re a lesbian now ?”

    & i just started laughing like, “gosh, i’m going to have to call him later to explain that i’m not a lesbian, it’s just nice that my partner is my best friend” LOL

  432.  #432Daria on September 28, 2012 at 10:19 am

    also, ironically, its the stories themselves from the beg of the first sentence that trigger me to feel that horrible feeling

    the actual ending, even though it may b clearly disrespectful, does not trigger me almost at all..

    im just like shrug , ok

    but the begining of such a story my stomach feels lurching – followed by rage

  433.  #433Daria on September 28, 2012 at 10:20 am

    lol! blooming hehe

  434.  #434Femininewoman on September 28, 2012 at 10:21 am

    Daria I experience the discussion of FB Siren Island as office politics. I wonder at times how many people there talk about me but I decide it is pointless and silly to go down that alley. Then I imagine how beautiful it must be to keep up with each others lives and see the lovely siren faces.

  435.  #435bloom-ing on September 28, 2012 at 10:21 am

    OMG i wonder if he can get in my dreams now ????

    is this insane thinking ? i swear it’s not. ok, so maybe he can dream-travel now. that’s cool. if so, he can also then mind-read i decide & he will automatically know what i meant lol

    i really wanted to show him how my cat is “on my side” – “one of me” lol…. can’t describe that feeling fully…. my cat is part of my spirit animal identity ?

    lol oh well time for peeing & an errand.

  436.  #436Femininewoman on September 28, 2012 at 10:22 am

    What does the lurching signify?

    That is exactly what I feel

  437.  #437Femininewoman on September 28, 2012 at 10:25 am

    blooming – traveling across parallel universes

  438.  #438Rebecca on September 28, 2012 at 10:28 am

    @417: Daria

    That’s good to know it is changing for you.

    One boyfriend once said to me that he didn’t like it when people ‘off-loaded’ on him.

    I guess it comes down to time as much as anything.

    A friend of mine always says to me ‘My time is precious’

    Who has time to be used by someone who doesn’t care if the person they are talking to is uncomfortable or not.

    That is the way I see it…

    Harsh but true…

    The problem with me is I always feel guilty and go back to that person.

    I think this is what’s called a co-dependant relationship.

    If nothing was to be lost by speaking your mind, walking away, etc… then it would be easy.

    In a way you have got into a bind with these sorts of people where a pattern has been set.

    I have a similar relationship with my mum. It drives me insane – but how do you deal with it when it is your mum??

    My friend says the trick is to just not let people like that into your life in the first instance.

    I think she has a point..

  439.  #439MissStix on September 28, 2012 at 10:29 am

    oh so interesting to see the different perspectives. mmmm hmm. And I felt more like blank and thought “ok” and a little “where is this going…?” through the whole thing up until the end. That’s where the tummy lurch trigger happened. But I still didn’t know why and thought “that’s weird, I should investigate further…,”

    And right in this moment I feel a little silly guilty and shy to use others as my own referrences of healing. Sigh. :p

    So I hope those others find something, anything (even anger) through reading these words.

  440.  #440Femininewoman on September 28, 2012 at 10:33 am

    “In a way you have got into a bind with these sorts of people”

    emm what sort of people?

  441.  #441Daria on September 28, 2012 at 10:34 am

    Rebecca – for me it has been worth it rocking the boat, even with my mom

    it actually changes the behavior i receive when i stand up for myself by saying how i feel and what i dont want – something rori writes about

    theres no need to push them out our lives, as long as we have boundaries in the moment

    babysteps, it IS getting better


  442.  #442Rebecca on September 28, 2012 at 10:34 am

    Also, update on my clingy but lovely friend.

    I WAS assertive with him when he assertively told me that we could do something together Friday and Saturday because he was free!!

    Lol, I said I wasn’t saying no, but I wasn’t saying yes either as I wasn’t sure about what I was doing and I didn’t have any direct plans. I also said that he was free to contact me nearer the time.

    So far I haven’t heard back from him…

  443.  #443Daria on September 28, 2012 at 10:34 am

    FeminineWoman – ive never noticed anyone talking about you on FB

  444.  #444MissStix on September 28, 2012 at 10:34 am


    Oh 🙂 I felt really excited when I saw your name pop up! Like “oh YES! I get to read a bloom-ing post! fun.” and it was! Fun 😉


    Enjoy your pee and errand!

  445.  #445Femininewoman on September 28, 2012 at 10:35 am

    others as my own referrences of healing – mirrors maybe?

  446.  #446Femininewoman on September 28, 2012 at 10:36 am

    Thanks Daria – I knew it was my NVs

  447.  #447Rebecca on September 28, 2012 at 10:36 am

    @441: Daria

    I have tried so many, many times… but I will keep trying but unfortunately it’s now from a distance.

    I love my mum very much but unfortunately I feel she has very little respect for me.

    Maybe it will change in time. So far not…

  448.  #448MissStix on September 28, 2012 at 10:42 am


    Yes. Mirrors. Oh that’s good because there is no need for guilt here.

    I can see 2 people interacting and feel how I feel about that and realize that seeing this, and the feelings that pop up around it are just a reflection of something going on with me…Or that has happened in the past. Or even something I recall doing myself.

    I think it’s more the latter 2 there. Like oh yeah…I’ve experienced that and even done similar things and I like the awareness feeling that comes with this.

  449.  #449Starla on September 28, 2012 at 10:44 am

    I told my trainer I was looking to stop eating meat and only fish and he did NOT like the idea. I didn’t tell him that I was already doing it.

    He says I can’t get complete protein without meat unless I eat fish every day. I don’t eat dairy.

    Are there any vegetarian sirens? I don’t believe him. I’d eat meat once every few weeks or so regardless, but I hate this idea that I should eat it every day.

  450.  #450MissStix on September 28, 2012 at 10:45 am

    Hmmmm I try to stay out of those fb interactions now.

    I don’t see anyone talk of anyone specifically. It’s more vague and a lot of “I feel” from what little I have read. I keep my fb happenings light, fun and free.

    This here is the place for processing. For me. Not fb. mmm and that feels more relaxed to me.

  451.  #451Femininewoman on September 28, 2012 at 10:47 am

    Rebecca I know where you are coming from. It is hard for people who don’t respect themselves to respect others. There is a lady in the office who has made it very clear that she does not want to interact with me. Over the years I have noticed she pretty much does the same with most everyone. When we were sitting near to each other I would always say good morning or good night. It came to a point where she just grunted a response but would never greet me when she came in after me. I took it as an indication that she did not want to speak and I felt like I need to respect her wishes. She was always civil when we had to speak about job related issues. That is how she generally is with everyone else except her direct supervisor. Even his deputy she would not acknowledge.

    Now I feel concerned about being a “storyteller”.

  452.  #452Femininewoman on September 28, 2012 at 10:49 am

    Starla all I eat is fish, chicken and turkey for meats. I very rarely eat the latter two but I do eat beans.

  453.  #453Rebecca on September 28, 2012 at 10:50 am


    Hehehe I was thinking the same thing!

    But it’s weird it’s such a subtle thing because you were really tuned into me I felt, and that felt good – and that is the difference..

    It’s weird…

    But I enjoyed the story and didn’t feel you were ‘putting’ it on me..


  454.  #454MissStix on September 28, 2012 at 10:53 am


    The nutritionist at my workplace speaks of nutrition as a 5 week cycle and foods are alternated to meet the needs of this cycle.

    I don’t know a LOT about it but from what I know it’s actually far better not to eat the same things every day, but to eat different foods every day and cycle them. So for example…If you eat red meat once a week, as long as you are taking in your protein, iron, etc. from something like…Lets say beans on another day, and then maybe fish the next day and so on. You should be cool! I try to cycle like this with at least one meal (dinner). And sometimes I cycle bfast and lunch but I find it easier to eat the same bfast or lunch a few days in a row.


    Thanks for the bday wishes 🙂

  455.  #455Rebecca on September 28, 2012 at 10:53 am

    You know what I’ve noticed is that people who talk ‘at’ me, actually just want my attention.

    It sort of like my opinion and me acknowledging them means so much to them.

    BUT… what is interesting is that I have done this too.

    There was a guy who I was obsessed with and I would talk at him all the time. His face would just look all crumpled and distressed – so this would make me talk more.

    It was like I was trying to say ‘I AM INTERESTING!! I AM A NICE PERSON!! PLEASE LIKE ME!!’

  456.  #456Femininewoman on September 28, 2012 at 10:53 am

    There is also a 63 year old woman I am friends with. She says it is important to eat protein every day. She has been health conscious for years and pay attention to the latest updates. She mostly eat fish and she sticks to small portions. She looks very good for her age and has glowing skin.

  457.  #457Femininewoman on September 28, 2012 at 10:54 am

    oooOO Rori did write an article addressing talking at someone as opposed to talking with them.

  458.  #458Rebecca on September 28, 2012 at 10:56 am

    Also, I feel if someone is not ‘interested’ in what I have to say, generally I will stop talking dead in my tracks. It’s like an in built mechanism in me.

    So if my mum is talking, she is not usually, or even ever interested in what I have to stay, so it’s like I stop dead in my tracks – like I am struck dumb or just can’t be bothered to be responding.

    Who wants to be in a conversation when they feel like that????

    I know I certainly don’t…

  459.  #459Femininewoman on September 28, 2012 at 10:57 am

    To start: If you approach communicating with your man as a “talk,” that assumes some kind of reaction, cooperation and participation from him.

    It creates an “agenda” for you, which means you come to the “talk” with an IDEA of how it should go and what you want from it.

  460.  #460Starla on September 28, 2012 at 10:58 am

    I want to be a vegan who eats fish, lol. no dairy

    and eggs sometimes because eggs are yummy, but i don’t think my body likes them.

    my boss brought me fresh eggs that his chickens laid today! can you believe it? awww i feel so special.

    basically, i am just going to listen to my body. my body mostly says to eat raw fruits and veggies most days. I can “hear” it when it wants meat/fish.

  461.  #461MissStix on September 28, 2012 at 11:00 am

    I believe many whole grains also have high protein and iron. I would encourage a lot of research to ensure you are intaking the nutrition you need. As healt problems can pop up way down the line from the things we do now.

    I use an app called myfitnesspal and it’s great for telling me my protein/carb/fat ratios and to keep track of the basic vitamins.

    I always go pretty far over the min weekly intake for vit c, and protein.

  462.  #462Femininewoman on September 28, 2012 at 11:02 am

    Rebecca I believe that is your intuition kicking in when you are centered in your body

  463.  #463MissStix on September 28, 2012 at 11:02 am

    Oh I do that too rebecca!!! Just stop talking abruptly.

    And I noticed occasionally people will say “huh?” about 30 seconds after I stop talking. If they notice AT ALL that I did not complete my sentence :p I feel giggly thinking of this.

  464.  #464Emerson on September 28, 2012 at 11:02 am

    394 wow I never knew he felt that way. His poor kid that he has with the maid must feel bad… I don’t know. I feels sad for him.

  465.  #465Brandylion on September 28, 2012 at 11:05 am

    Never mind. He texted a while ago asking if I’m interested in meeting. The truth is, I’m not and never have been.

    And my interest in meeting wouldn’t have made it okay for him to text me at 12:31 am. I did text back that I was in bed and it was not okay to contact me after 10 pm. There’s been a lag in me getting back to him via text, because I’m a fu(king teacher and don’t have my fu(king phone on me 24/7. And I’ve had work to do the last two nights. Last night was parents’ night and I didn’t get home from school until 9:45!

    So what lesson am I supposed to learn from this? That I have to be more available if I’m going to date? I feel disgusted with this whole process. Someone who isn’t a teacher just can’t understand the time demands the job makes. It takes hours to grade one class’s worth of tests, like 4-5. Per class. Every time I give a test. What would this guy do when I tell him I can’t see him again until November because all of my Saturdays are full in October with running half-marathons or Quiz Bowl tournaments?

    I don’t know how I’m supposed to do the CDing thing with actual dates when the men who are contacting me are not interesting to me. They just aren’t, and I’m beyond the point of comparing them to PriestCD and finding them lacking. They just don’t have interesting things to say via email and I agree to meet them, and then it just doesn’t happen.

  466.  #466Femininewoman on September 28, 2012 at 11:05 am

    2. DON’T try convincing him
    The more you try to make a case for how great you are as a couple, the more he feels cornered and manipulated. Your reasoning feels like criticism to him and makes him unable to share his true feelings. That’s certainly not the vibe you want to create in a loving relationship.

    A man falls in love when he feels like he can make you happy by being himself and sharing the deepest parts of who he is. By rejecting those parts, you make him feel wrong and cause him to protect his true feelings – and his heart – from connecting with yours.

  467.  #467Femininewoman on September 28, 2012 at 11:08 am

    Emerson I don’t feel sad for him.

  468.  #468MissStix on September 28, 2012 at 11:10 am


    I feel your frustration brandylion! Many of us have committed to “no advice” right now.

    I see many many teachers dating/married to other teachers or like G’s sister was a teacher/ now is a guidance councellor and her hubby is a principal.

    I wonder now…Many of you in that profession must feel the same way.

  469.  #469MissStix on September 28, 2012 at 11:12 am

    eeek and my instinct is to run when I make spelling mistakes talking to a teacher! hehe

    I have always felt nervous feelings around people I see as “authority”. Teachers fo sho!

  470.  #470Femininewoman on September 28, 2012 at 11:14 am

    Brandylion – I don’t believe you have to date them if you don’t find them interesting. I believe it would be building your awareness if you look inside to see why you find them uninteresting. Just ask yourself why and move on, is my opinion.

    It might be easier to do cd lunch dates with colleagues without it actually being a “date”.

  471.  #471Daria on September 28, 2012 at 11:22 am

    see thats whats so confusing about my story trigger

    its more like the story that triggers me is ‘rote’ or repeated or feels disconnected somehow

    i usually feel pulled in and connected and very interested when i hear non-triggering-to-me storytelling

  472.  #472Daria on September 28, 2012 at 11:25 am

    Brandylion – sharing your boundaries – no answering texts after 10 could be one… is great practice

    noticing your feelings is also great practice

    its not about liking the guys – esp the first batches – its about just this practice, stating boundaries getting on the horse, etc

    after thats in place the guys start improving

  473.  #473Femininewoman on September 28, 2012 at 11:26 am

    I wonder if it is intention or “energy” behind the story. Some are intended to make the listener feel small”er”.

    If the story is intended to affirm the listener or make the person feel good I imagine that it would not push a negative trigger. It is kinda hard to accept that it is just about the moral or the lesson to be learned.

  474.  #474Femininewoman on September 28, 2012 at 11:29 am

    I wonder also how it plays into my own “if it makes you feel any better” trigger?

    Maybe it comes across as someone reaching down to pull me up to their “stature” leaving me with the impression that they “thought” I was lower in status?

  475.  #475Smile on September 28, 2012 at 11:33 am

    Happy birthday miss stix!!

    not sure if it’s belated or not as I’ve been away.


  476.  #476Femininewoman on September 28, 2012 at 11:37 am

    I have been wondering about Jilly. Wonder how she is doing?

  477.  #477MissStix on September 28, 2012 at 11:39 am

    Aw thanks smile 😀

    It’s 3 days early. Oooo I feel excited! It’s like a whole weekend of birthday fun!

    Speaking of…It’s time to shoe shop! yay woop woop!

  478.  #478Smile on September 28, 2012 at 11:40 am

    Birthdays are triggering me at the minute.

    My fear of my birthday… Not one will be free that weekend.

    It’s in a few weeks. Last year I had the same fear so I didn’t celebrate it in a huge way.

    I have a lot of really good special close friends, so that’s not where my fear is coming from…
    My birthdays before last year have all felt amazing so my fear isn’t from past experience…

    My 29th birthday will be my first birthday since age 14 without a boyfriend… Hm have I always relied on having plans with my man if my friends weren’t available?

    My friends aren’t available out of not wanting to it’s just location now and babies etc.

    Actually I don’t want to celebrate my birthday with ‘all’ my friends, maybe just a few from different groups at different times when they are free?

  479.  #479Daria on September 28, 2012 at 11:42 am

    FeminineWoman – to me – the lurch – even happens when the story seems to be meant to be uplifting!

    i feel judgemental and ‘groan, oh not again’

    i still feel very angry


    this is MY trigger, i feel so guilty of coming across as making someone wrong 🙁

    its my story likely triggered from early childhood stuff

    i feel all sad right now mmmh

  480.  #480Smile on September 28, 2012 at 11:48 am

    Teachers… Yes I am one too! Just got back from a residential! So that part was pretty much 24hrs!= I am exhausted!

    Brandylion, how long have you been teaching? Work life balance has been a huge focus of mine at the minute. I often feel overwhelmed and exhausted but I’ve put in lots of things in place to help free up my evening/weekend time for me.

    I have boundaries in place for friends texting after 10. Strummingman emails me if it is after this time so he doesn’t wake me, I’ve never asked him to do this, he just respects that I get up earlier therefore go to bed earlier than he does.
    This is just ‘my’ boundaries. I appreciate not everyone goes to bed at this time.

  481.  #481Femininewoman on September 28, 2012 at 11:51 am

    i feel so guilty of coming across as making someone wrong

    I experience this making other wrong a lot with your comments sometimes, particularly when it seems like you use my story to riff, explore your feelings. It seems like using me to make yourself bigger (judgement). I still remember how I felt some long time ago when you referenced Jilly’s story.

    But the experience is good to use as a mirror for me to see how people could possibly experience me even when I am sticking with myself and sharing my feelings. That way I would be less likely to invalidate them.

  482.  #482Brandylion on September 28, 2012 at 11:54 am

    Hah! I texted back that I was sorry he got the impression that I didn’t. I told him I don’t have my phone on me 24/7.

    I said straight out that 4:30 was a good time because I had dinner plans at 7. He replied that he thought he was taking me out for Indian dinner, and now I have other plans.

    I wrote back that I had said I was free Saturday afternoon because I already had plans.

    He said he doesn’t think this is going to work and good luck, and he’s waited so long to meet me, and that I confuse him.

    Yeah, the joker can’t read. I looked back through the texts and I clearly said, “Oh, I already have dinner plans for Saturday.”

    I don’t want to date someone who can’t read and understand simple English.

  483.  #483Starla on September 28, 2012 at 11:54 am

    FW, I totally experience you as making people wrong, *especially* when it’s ME, haha.

    but you’re not a riffer. just in giving advice or perspective.

    i hope i haven’t stepped over a line by saying so, but i have a good feeling that you can definitely handle it.

    and maybe that’s why you relate to people the way you do… because you can handle it so you assume they can too?



  484.  #484new siren on September 28, 2012 at 11:56 am

    Hi Sirens, can I come to siren I sland on fb? I have tried to find it but couldnt..

  485.  #485Femininewoman on September 28, 2012 at 11:57 am

    Starla I know that because you have said so clearly in the past. I even think you said that very recently but not in your usual way so it was easier to handle.

  486.  #486Femininewoman on September 28, 2012 at 11:59 am

    You have not stepped over any line Starla.