Switching Hats From Girl to Boy and Back Again

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little-girl-roadSo…Being is feminine, Doing is masculine.

Feeling is feminine, Thinking is masculine.

Expressing is feminine, Telling is masculine

Receiving is feminine, Giving is masculine

Listening is feminine, Teaching is masculine

That makes me pretty much a boy here, with feminine flights as I write.

Much of Coaching is masculine because much of teaching and coaching involves a transfer of knowledge. Involves using your brain.

Now, Coaching and Teaching can be done in ways that are judgmental – I know something you don’t know, or compassionate (we can call this a bunch of other things, too) – I know this one thing that will help you, and I see you as another human like me, with strengths and weaknesses and knowledge and no knowledge around different things, and perhaps you can teach me something sometime, too.

It can be done in a lecturing way or a sharing way….all kinds of things. That’s where the subtleties are, and where the vibe is and where the skill and intention is. Those are things that those who teach need to learn to communicate in the optimum way for the student. And being a student requires deciding to take that position. There are all kinds of “aha” moments in life, EVERYTHING is a lesson, but if we don’t wish to hear and see, it will float right by us.

You can teach by example and not even know you’re doing it, or you can stand in front of a classroom or website and teach on purpose. It is not possible to be in masculine mode and use feeling messages. That’s why we struggle with this.  And it’s uncomfortable to hear each other struggle with it, to, because so much of the time what we want to do is teach.

Being a teacher is a whole different calling than being a woman.  It’s a whole different arena from an intimate relationship. Marianne Williamson is VERY confrontive and in-your-face. She once called herself “the bitch for God.”

When you are a teacher by profession (I’ve worked with many grade-school teachers as clients – and it’s VERY difficult for them to switch hats…they sort of LIVE in that mode, and I come up with pretty wild ideas to reverse what comes naturally to them). So learning to both teach like a boy and experience and express like a girl is a huge undertaking.We fight the valiant fight to somehow incorporate it all in every aspect of our lives.  And it doesn’t work that way.  You can’t “blend.”  You can’t “balance.”  You have to “switch hats.”

The truth is – we are ALL – ALL that – masculine AND feminine!  And each has it’s place, it’s function, where it flies and where it founders.  Where it most is at home, most belongs.  When your feminine is active in a situation that requires brain power…it’s hard to be around you. When your masculine is active inside an intimate relationship, it’s hard to hear.

If you work for someone, it’s very, very shocking to all of a sudden hear a feminine, Feeling Message voice when all you’re used to is masculine decision-making from her.

If you’re around someone who’s feminine and feeling, and all of a sudden they tell you what you should do – it’s weird.  It’s triggering.

And this is the situation we’re ALL in, day-in-and-day-out with men.

If what you really want to do in the moment with a man is TEACH him — how can you authentically deliver a feminine Feeling Message?  And what if you don’t feel like switching hats because you really want to go with one or the other?

The hat switching thing can be a burden or a blast. I know that I’m in a different place here with myself than I am with my husband – and you are different running a business than you are on a date. That’s one element of what we’re trying to manage, here.

The operative word here is, I think – Professional.  When you are a professional, you are really being asked to model.  To model masculine behavior by teaching, feminine behavior through intuition and asking curious questions.  And mostly – you’re being asked to model AUTHORITY.  Not authority over another person, but Personal Authority.  The ultimate masculine energy of carrying certainty around with you that you know something.

As a professional, personal authority is crucial. You can switch into girl mode at all kinds of moments, but you are being asked to primarily be a boy.  To LEAD.  To guide the expedition wherever it’s going,  To ask the important questions.  To be the one holding the space.  To be the one holding the lamp.  To be the one who’s seen the road before and can anticipate some of the bumps. To be the one who knows how far you can go and who’s brave enough to be in your presence when you go there.

There’s an issue of COMPETENCE.  Training can get you there, experience can get you there.  You don’t have to be competent to coach and help people, but it sure adds to the odds over and above getting lucky. Beyond intuition and psychic abilities, knowing what to do with information and how things work is important, and it’s all masculine.

You really need to be clear and pick one.  And sometimes you have to pick one every few minutes.  That’s switching hats.

I really want to help you “get” what a girl voice and a boy voice sound and feel like – not so we can label them and put down one or the other in certain circumstances (you know I have absolutely NO interest in what’s “right” — I only care what “works”) – but just so we can, as Erika put it so well, in one of her recent comments – be in “noticing.”

(Notice that “noticing” is a place to BE, not a place to DO — so I don’t call “noticing” – whether you call it “witnessing” or “observing” –  “neutral,”  or any kind of “blend” – I call it feminine.  However, the moment you “meditate” with a mantra, or a technique, you’re Doing – and that’s masculine.) This way we can do the first step in shifting anything – awareness.

So — if there is NEVER a “neutral” – how does this work? I believe you are either in one space or another, and that you can’t straddle, or be two places at once.  You are either thinking or feeling, expressing or telling, being or doing.  So – let’s practice switching hats.  In order to be able to surrender as a girl to yourself, you have to have a strong boy.

You have to be able to manage the logistics of your life – financial, shelter, food and clothing, schedule, work, schooling, responsibilities to family and friends – in order to let go within your life.  We’re not looking to shut down our boy and replace him with our girl.  We’re looking to EXPAND in both directions.  To make our boy bigger, smarter, stronger, more powerful, more active….and allow our girl to sink deeper and deeper into beingness.

See if you can keep processing. As long as you’re being triggered, there’s more to work through. Getting through the processing and no longer feeling triggered might suddenly feel like compassion, or humor, or boredom…and you might experience this same exact process with a man!

What we’re trying to do here is pull this apart — go further out in both directions – boy and girl expanding and differentiating. We’re trying to make this very black-and-white, no matter how gray it may seem, or actually be…what counts is that seeing it in black-and-white will help you tremendously. As boy – you spring into action, as girl, you sink into feeling. Very, very different.

To let you know how I manage it…my husband and I are around each other all day long.  I work all day long.  I write, I coach, I take care of things.  I’ll be in boy mode, and then he’ll walk up to me and engage me.

I can either hang onto my boy space and completely miss the opportunity to connect with him, or I can switch hats instantly and allow him to effect me — him Tarzan, me Jane. Him boy, me girl.

(I love my Science Fiction – all the heroines are powerful, and yet the moment the hero touches them, they melt.  Then they go back to saving the universe.)

So – let’s get some structure to this switching hats thing:

* 1. Notice where you are. Are you swinging wildly between wanting to DO something and wanting to FEEL something?
* 2. Stand still. Listen to your breathing. Listen to your heart beating.
* 3. Drop down. sink into your tummy, your pelvis, your vagina. Your only job is to surrender to yourself.
* 4. Now, put words to what you’re experiencing. Something simple, a simple Feeling Message to the air.
* 5. Say – this is what it feels like to be a girl.
* 6. Now – walk around. Walk purposefully from one place to another, then to another.
* 7. Go into your head at the first thought you think. Stop moving. Say the thought out loud.
* 8. Now DO the first thing you thought of doing…pick up a dish and clean it, move a piece of paper, look at your email…
* 9. Say — this is what it feels like to be a boy.
* 10. Now – practice going back and forth between the two.

See if you can really move back and forth smoothly, if you can make the differences very clear in your body and the way the energy feels – is it high? Is it low? Is it sharp? Is it an ache? Is it a sense of ease? Or of accomplishment?

Practice going in and out of just being Present with an object. Just be with it as a girl, and then move it or do something with it as a boy…Try this with a useful object like a pen. As a girl, just be with it, doing nothing, experiencing the weight, the color. As a boy – think about what you could do with it. Actually write with it. Go back and forth.

* 11. Now try all this with words. Speak about the experience as you’re going along.

For most of you, that’s enough, even for running a business. But if what your business is is TEACHING? If you’re a teacher and want to learn how to switch hats more easily, let me know in a comment here, and I’ll reply or write another post. Let me know how this works…

Love, Rori


  1.  #1alias girl on October 1, 2009 at 6:00 pm

    i feel weird to read that using my brain is “boy”.

    my brain is part of my intutive process. my intuition feels very feminine. but my brain is the thing linking all this together. my brain takes my intution and processes all the information and tells my body what to do.

    hmmmm…maybe I could experiment with stopping “thinking” completely? this idea feels absurd and impossible. Therefore, thinking can not fall into purely masculine. I need my brain to form sentences and drive a car. etc.

    speaking and processing information is not just masculine. since the beginning of time. woman/feminine has had thought. ? Or no? maybe not

    and driving a car is masculine. (I LOVE to drive my car btw)

    hmmm… i have no absolute conclusions about all this… i am just processing a new idea aloud.

    it occurred to me today that what i REALLY want is to care for a home and a man. be creative. look cute. and maybe have my own reality tv show or something.

    oh and have some dogs.

    and take vacations.

    and dance and sing.

    all this other stuff i THINK i need to DO is —-

    somebody else’s ideas and judgements in my head. somebody else’s deficiencies and overcompensations.

    I KNOW what i want right now. and it is very very very simple and easy.

    so maybe “thinking” is purely masculine???? dang I am a very complex thinker. what if I gave this up???????

    could i still create? could i write songs?

    I want to give up thinking for awhile.

    what do you think?

    I feel confused and curious. and triggered. and angry.

    i want to experiment with this. i like this idea of making it black and white.

    i am THINKING about all this.

    argh. i feel angry. and triggered. arrrrrrrrggggghhhhhhhh.

  2.  #2gina on October 1, 2009 at 6:31 pm

    I get what alias girl is saying. I like alias girls’ thoughts. I like my thoughts, too. But Rori just showed us how to switch hats, not wear one permanently. I feel sad about not getting to show a man my brains, but I don’t think this is entirely true. I’m sure her husband respects Rori’s work, but I bet he’s glad that she doesn’t “teach” him. I’m trying to relate in feminine ways with men. sometimes it’s tricky. like today the guy I’ve said sometimes puts me down, so I’ve chosen not to date him…we work together. I walked by him and he sarcastically said “you’re doing a great job gina.” and I said “shut up chris.” that wasn’t very feminine of me, and he immediately turned red. he changed his mode and politely let me know that I was helping customers do something that annoys him. Im glad I set a boundary, but I wonder if there’s a better way i could have done it.

  3.  #3Ann on October 1, 2009 at 7:47 pm

    I want to experiment more, think I’ll find my pen as Rori suggests. I want to find my balance of masculine and feminine.

  4.  #4Chaudemaman on October 1, 2009 at 7:52 pm

    Okay, I am a teacher… lol
    I need some help with the being a girl thing. I feel confused because a couple of the men I am circular dating with are finding it difficult with my leaning back. Is it possible that I can be leaning so far back that now I am aloof? I feel like I am missing a piece of the puzzle and it I feel anxious that I may be messing up the process. How can I be the girl, yet still be me?
    Yeah, I am getting triggered by this and my stomach is feeling tight… hmmmmmmm.

  5.  #5laughing goddess on October 1, 2009 at 7:55 pm

    Alias Girl: I feel adoring of you. I feel smiley when I read your posts. I feel liking of your verbal explorations. I feel enjoying of making up new words. I feel delirious and silly.

  6.  #6Simply Shannon on October 1, 2009 at 7:55 pm

    Switching hats feels like from second to second going from girl to boy and boy to girl. “I feel tired” (girl). “I’m going to bed” (boy). Is that what you mean Rori? I get the thought process. I just have trouble executing this in real life. Hell, I feel confused just having a conversation with a man and being the girl. I listen (been really, really working on this and learning to shut up). Then I respond to the man but sometimes my responses are not feeling messages. I feel worried about the dynamic I’m setting from the very beginning. Men are definitely responding to me so I must be doing something right but I do feel confused sometimes if I’m being the boy with my responses.

    Ugh. I think I worry too much! 🙂

    I am noticing my feelings now, and I feel a lot more open with men in general. I notice how hard they try. How hard we all try really. I appreciate it so much more because I see it now (instead of talking right over them and filling the void).

    Sigh. I feel good. Tired, but good. Night all. Shannon

  7.  #7Rori Raye on October 1, 2009 at 7:56 pm

    Welcome, Chaudemaman ..Yes…when you first start leaning back but don’t yet have the practice with vulnerability and authenticity…it can feel cold to you…and a bit lifeless. That’s why it’s so important to consider all this practice! Experiment. Find out who YOU is, when you’re not trying to communicate from your brain. This is all about feelings, and allowing yourself to feel and express what you feel. Everyone here will help you…Love, Rori

  8.  #8Sasha J on October 1, 2009 at 8:03 pm

    Hello 🙂

    I feel like I am constantly swinging between thinking and doing and feeling……and find myself using my thinking to guide my reactions to how I am feeling….now I feel confused…

    I would like to get some guidelines please,
    because my partner is going to have a major foot surgery on Monday, and I am pretty much going to be the primary and only caretaker for the weeks he is in a plaster cast…I have been feeling frightened because I don’t want to turn into a nurse/mother and don’t feel like a lady and I know he is going to get grumpy and demanding and I need some hand-holding here…I feel petrified and feel like running away….

  9.  #9Rori Raye on October 1, 2009 at 8:40 pm

    Sasha – Welcome, and so sorry for your situation, and know we can come up with some ways to help you. Can you tell us how long you’ve been together? Do you live together? First advice from me…my sister-in-law had foot surgery, and she relied on friends for so much, yes…but she got around on those crutches just fine and was as independent as she could possibly be. Don’t fuss over him. Don’t offer. Ask him what he’d like you to do for him, and don’t take grumpiness. Don’t be overly-nice or anything. Compassion is okay…sweetness, a sense of humor. Love, Rori

  10.  #10Sasha J on October 1, 2009 at 9:00 pm

    Thank you Rori for replying,

    I don’t feel so alone now.
    I have your Programs…Turn around/ Heart Connection/ Siren and Toxic Man…

    they have helped me tremendously and it feels second nature to start using your tools when I have that tight feeling in my chest or angry ball feeling in my stomach et al.

    I feel like I’m scaring myself silly because this feels like a whole different kettle of fish…We have known each other for 2 years and I am realising that he has always seen and expected us to be a forever couple whereas I’ve always naturally been feeling like I’m assessing things….

    We have gone from very toxic to nowadays it feels like things go from difficult to clueless to good , back and forth…

    I am learning to give up punishing him for the past (he was cheating online when he had his previous surgery and I was ‘neglecting’ him)…I confessed to him last week that I felt safe when I could feel angry and righteous over him…and just being able to say that felt good… it feels like all that anger is starting to subside.. 🙂

    Right now I am feeling clingy and feeling scared of being left out because I feel like all the attention is going to go to him and I will feel overworked and wither….and will feel like I can’t breathe because I am trying to finish a PhD…I feel unspported with my work friends (they are all I know in Melbourne) because they are concerned about me but I feel nagged and I efel like I am being assumed incapable of knwing my work is important…and I feel annoyed when they do the “patting shoulder-we just want to make sure you know your work is important-we are just worried”…then I feel guilty for sharing my feelings and feel like screaming at them…and keep feeling like I have to justify every little thing I do.

    clearly I am feeling a little stormy today…

    I guess I just need some ideas on how to go with the feelings of defensiveness and resentfulness when I feel like I’m being criticised and yet expected to deliver “service with a smile”.

    Clearly I am feeling and thinking through a filter a fear and not love right now…

  11.  #11gina on October 1, 2009 at 10:17 pm

    phew…johnny just called and i feel good. he got laid off from his job this week and he’s feeling really low. i feel grateful to Rori for the advice to not try to “help” him. I just said I’m sorry and “bummer” and listened to him talk about it. he noticed that I sounded down – I felt down about him. I told him my speech, which I would’ve preferred to do in person, but it felt good to talk about it. he said that he wasn’t able to make sense of my behavior the last time we hung out. sucks cause neither am I…it’s almost funny. I know I’m in complicated mode when even I can’t figure myself out. he said that he had felt a little offended that I had asked him about what’s his favorite part of a woman cause he thought that I was accusing him of objectifying me. I told him that i was feeling scared of emotional intimacy so i guess I just focused on physical intimacy to avoid it. Which feels kinda weird to say to a man. in the moment I wanted him to grab my boobs and I was wondering if he’s some kind of weirdo for lying on top of me with his hand on my ribs. we’re going to hang out on Sunday, so I have another opportunity to be receptive and connected.

  12.  #12alias girl on October 1, 2009 at 11:05 pm

    laughing goddess i feel ADORED. heehee. i feel really pretty great about that. so thank you! i feel good reading your words too. i feel good just every time i just read your name — laughing goddess.

    i feel very friendly.

  13.  #13alias girl on October 1, 2009 at 11:08 pm

    so there is some movement now in my financial area. i feel good about this. i feel secure now. i feel relieved and hopeful and excited.

    welcome to the two new goddesses. sasha j and chaudemaman!

  14.  #14laughing goddess on October 1, 2009 at 11:22 pm

    Yes! Welcome to the new goddesses! This is a fun place to be. Even when it feels crazy and challenging and weird it is still fun. Fun, and healing, and triggering, and progressive. This is how I experience it anyway.

    I am feeling happy that I am becoming more and more conscious of how I feel when I am focusing on me versus focusing on “him”. When I focus my loving energy on me I feel strong, my cup is full, and then my love can pour over. I can feel now when I switch out of that space and my focus in him. I feel like my energy is pouring from my body. I feel out of balance and depleted. I feel YUCKY!

  15.  #15alias girl on October 2, 2009 at 12:04 am

    definitely laughing goddess!

    so two different men i met recently have been Convinced that i like them and we belong together. yet i did not feel that way (at all) nor am i acting in any overt (or covert) way to get them to think this. In fact, i felt Uncomfortable with this.

    tonight I told the guy— I wasn’t interested. it was just matter of fact. but i felt i had to mention it since he kept on and on with how much he liked me. and he kept on and said something like ‘just wait and see, you’re going to end up with me.’

    finally i said, “i have to go.” i just was starting to feel bad and uncomfortable and not heard and just all over eh.

    so i just left. i gave him space to make it less awkward before I walked away but he just looked at me with these eyes of a child and i just

    i felt turned off and eh.

    so i left. i said, ‘thank you for the tea. i enjoyed meeting you.’

    so yae! this is great! i am on the right track. because when i meet the best man in the world i will feel very happy he feels this way about me.

    so i feel good. i am attracting men who are really into me and want to give to me and provide for me and hold my hand like my 21 year old did.

    i feel very much on the road to my happy ever after.

    aw yae! big hug and kiss to myself!

  16.  #16alias girl on October 2, 2009 at 12:09 am

    i feel VERY CURIOUS AND soft and enthusiastic about letting go of Thinking so so so much.

    I feel done with so much thinking. seriously. been there- done it. i felt fun with it for awhile but now i just want to be Super Uber Goddess and BE ms. sensuality. mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

  17.  #17alias girl on October 2, 2009 at 12:12 am

    i feel laughing. i imagine my men very very pleased and drawn into this new way of being.

    i do not imagine any of them saying,
    “oh alias girl, i sure do miss all your Opinions. i sure do miss all the thoughts you used to have about how to “improve” me and “help” me.”

    no. i imagine them just wanting to be near me and spend time with me and hold my hand and protect me.

    thank you. since this is right in line with what i WANT.

  18.  #18Tracy on October 2, 2009 at 1:33 am

    Rori thanks for clarity in the difference between the two energies….I am working on this at the moment and it does feel different….I feel glad to know this as i work in a really busy department where i have to be in the boy mode most of the time…think and make decisions and establish a sense of authority…I am learning to let go of that with my siblings though just so that i can enjoy being a girl at home….and learning to relax…
    I really want and intend to learn to switch the hats when i settle down with a family as i hope to further my career and still maintain my profession…
    I feel that feeling both sides of all these feels so much better and it brings so much clarity for me…i can be me…at all times…that’s how it feels to me…

  19.  #19Sasha J on October 2, 2009 at 1:54 am

    Thank you goddesses i feel welcomed…and yes the word goddess….i feel ethereal just saying that.

    i have a strange feeling that i feel happier and more rewarded with my man when i am in boy mode….like when i initiate holding hands and sending sweet messages…i don’t know….honestly it feels like we both want to be both boy and girl….a part of me feels like i’m staying because i feel bad about leaving…. another part of me feels loved and cherished…i feel like a pendulum…never still and decided…..i am sitting here just feeling a strange vertigo in my belly….i don’t know if my feelings affect my thinking….or if my thinking affects my feelings?…..

    sometimes i feel like a real goddess….sometimes i feel like a worm eating its own tail..chomping chomping chomping….

    Rori….to answer the questions….
    I live at his house…he calls it ‘our’ house, i just have lots of my stuff and my 2 beloved cats there and we have 2 beautiful dogs…

    i pay rent at another flat although it is mostly purely for ‘storage’ now. I am waiting for my flatmate to find a new flatmate.

    I pay for stuff occassionally and he wants me to contribute more and when he gets angry i get called a “user”….i feel like i should contribute a little more as i feel comfortable with contributing to some bills, etc.

  20.  #20alias girl on October 2, 2009 at 2:11 am

    sasha j. i am going to speak about myself in response to reading your earlier comment.

    i feel good to be and do and have and want WHATEVER I WANT. it is nobody else’s business to judge my desires or choices in a negative manner. or RATHER it is not MY business to really concern myself with other people’s judgments of me.

    i feel soooo good to feel free and allow myself to feel good. i feel good to work from the inside out. i feel good to stay connected to source/love/god/higher self . i feel good to follow my ffeelings. if i do something i FEEL GOOD about and then someone comes along and tries to convince me to feel bad or guilty about my good-feeling decicion then what the heck is up with that. that person just wants me to make a decicion that THEY feel good about. but this is MY LIFE.

    i feel good to co-create with others and enjoy others but I AM HERE ON THE PLANET for me. because i chose to be here so i could have a good time. i am not responsible for others having themselves a good time. that is up to them.

    i feel good to be so self focussed on my good time. i really do. and other people seem to really enjoy me. BECAUSE I ENJOY ME. some people seem to get irritated that i don’t do what THEY want or expect me to but really that is up to them to focus on something other than their irritation with me.

    i love myself. i am a goddess. i love others as well. tada.

  21.  #21Daria on October 2, 2009 at 3:47 am

    Heyyyyy I just found this on a previous post:

    “Alias Girl – be real firm with yourself, here. A man says all he wants is sex. Don’t go around in your mind trying to figure that one out. It does NOT compute with your goals, so the answer is NO. Simple. The only “fuck-buddy” that’s appropriate is a man who’s in love with YOU…and who YOU consider a “friend.” A man who you KNOW would be there for you no matter what. Love, Rori”

    No fair Rori. I still want to fuck all the men I want to fuck. I want to do that. It feels good. Yum yum. I will not be stopped hehe.

    Is this because I am enjoying sexploration? I don’t know. But I feel very clear that I want to fuck men who turn me on.

  22.  #22Daria on October 2, 2009 at 3:53 am

    Aha… maybe it feels good for me because Sexploration is part of my goals right now? that sounds like it can be right. yes yes.

    oh i met the sexiest man in LA ooooh. I did not have sex with him. He actually said he felt impressed. I felt impressed with his game and sexuality and sexy body and the way he got me guacamole when I insisted on it, yet let it go aobut his burger when it was the wrong order. He said it’s ok. Oh i felt super turned on that he allowed it to be let go about his burger.

    oh he was really fine too.

    oh man I feel teary eyed.

    He didn’t call me. I left my card. Maybe he will. or not. He said maybe i will visit LA more often. I said maybe. whatsup with these out of town men. NY guy said the same thing.

    Anyway I feel SO GLAD at the sexiness of the man i attracted. Even though my friend actually “got” him, but she didn’t like him and he said, oh i should have talked to you. I said hmm yeah. Then I flirted with his friend. then i wound up being with him anyway. I love how I didn’t really feel TOO insecure about having flirted with his friend and then him.

    I love how I was so easily respecting of my own boundaries without feeling obligated or guilty or scared. I love how he therefore respected them too, but kept trying to break down any “flexible” boundaries. Soo manly and persistant, yet respectful at JUST the right time when I would’ve otherwise felt uncomfortable. So sexy.


    I feel very happy about all the sexy men coming my way. I feel super happy. 2 of my exes are calling me. They want to see me. They text me I love you. I feel weird about it and plan on communicating.

    I love all the new men coming my way yes yes yes. And all the offers for help with my business and creative activities.

    yay yay yay

  23.  #23Chaudemaman on October 2, 2009 at 4:25 am

    I should clarify as to why I have decided to follow the Rori Raye way…
    This summer I fell for an internet love scammer. I completely ignored all the signs and chose, yes chose, to allow myself be swept away with his words. Luckily for me it lasted only 9 days before I could no longer ignore the fact I was in love with a ghost as he asked me for money. While I was “in love” I felt anxious, delirious and anxious. When it ended I felt anger at myself, sadness and a wee bit ashamed. However I did not allow myself to dwell on it.
    That is when a male friend of my said to check you out Rori. at first I felt silly and was resistant to your message. But then I read one of your posts about listening to the message that each man, each “failed” relationship was telling me. IT THEN MADE SENSE! The message the “universe”was sending me is that I am ready to be part of a committed relationship! That I felt disconnected from all the dating around I was doing with no purpose in mind.
    I changed my online dating profile to reflect this change in me and WOW! I am attracting high quality men! Lots of them… some have weeded themselves out luckily. I feel adored, glorious and desirable. I feel overwhelmed with emotion and happiness.
    This feels amazing.
    I have noticed a massive change in my attitude and general well being. My happiness is palpable and every one is commenting on my “aura of happiness”.
    I am now going to focus on being authentic while still practicing leaning back. I’ll have lots of opportunity this weekend as I have 3 dates with 3 different men… I am a goddess and I love the fact that these men are high quality and are attracted to my high quality self. As the t-shirt says “God doesn’t make junk”.
    I feel adored and worthy of this attention. I FEEL AMAZING!
    Thank you Rori and all the goddesses here!

  24.  #24Tracy on October 2, 2009 at 4:29 am

    I just told a guy i felt uncomfortable hugging him because of our age difference….i feel so triggered by our age difference…i feel turned off by him i don’t know why…I felt uneasy being near him…
    I explained to him that i felt more comfortable if we remained friends for now…..
    I feel needed by him…i feel like the boy with him…i don’t feel feminine….of course i didn’t tell him this

    I am just wondering why i’d feel so turned on by one guy and completely turned off by the other…I was openly honest with him…i felt that what i was looking for….i couldn’t feel it with him…whatever that means…but that’s how i felt…I felt that i wanted to leave….
    I feel much better that i told him the truth and honestly i feel open to meeting him and hanging out with him but only as friends…and the hug this i feel that i can do it once i get more comfortable with him…right now it doesn’t feel and it didn’t feel right…I feel that i am really reserved when it comes to intimacy and i feel more comfortable when the man gives me more time to get to know him…i feel more safe that way…
    I feel more in touch with my feelings and i feel that i have so many options and these guyz are leading me to identifying what i really want…i can visualize it now and i feel that i am attracting that in my life….and the options are limitless….Yay to circular dating…its amazing how the guyz are even starting to show up in my office…interesting…they better up the game because the competition is getting better…

  25.  #25Tracy on October 2, 2009 at 4:41 am

    A part of me feels guilty for telling him the truth…for saying how i honestly feel….I feel relief and guilt…
    A part of me feels that i should accept and be grateful for what comes my way…then another feels that i have options and part of life involves choosing what feels good and leaving what doesn’t….I feel that i have options…plenty of options and it feels good to choose…

  26.  #26Aldonza on October 2, 2009 at 6:45 am

    I struggle a bit with the “boy” vs. “girl”. Our society so much rewards “boy” energy.

    I like the idea that we can have both. But if we want more “boy” energy in a relationship, we have to have more “girl” energy. This is the part I get.

    It is OK for me to be a very driven, “doer” at work. I’m rewarded for this and it is part of my personality. It’s also OK to leave that “doer” at the door and let my man do, while I “be”.

  27.  #27Aldonza on October 2, 2009 at 6:46 am

    subscribing to comments

  28.  #28Mercedes on October 2, 2009 at 7:23 am

    This is how I feel about me: “I love my Science Fiction – all the heroines are powerful, and yet the moment the hero touches them, they melt. Then they go back to saving the universe”

    When my hero touches me, I melt. When I’m on the internet or at work…I’m too busy saving the world to melt.

    Much Love,

  29.  #29Tracy on October 2, 2009 at 8:31 am

    I feel that i am more in touch with my feelings…..both the good ones and the bad ones….and i feel that i am beginning to genuinely express myself…..I feel great….
    I still want to experiment more with the masculine and feminine energies….it would be great to see how this plays out in my future dates….

  30.  #30laughing goddess on October 2, 2009 at 9:26 am


    I feel excited to hear about your three dates this weekend!

  31.  #31Christina on October 2, 2009 at 10:30 am

    Hi there!!! I’ve been going through your pages and advice over and over again. I love it! I am currently a college student; I plan on becoming a relationship therapist, to put it simply. I am in the process of making a website, and I would love to feature you! Yes, you. 🙂
    I think your words are truly inspirational. I haven’t had a change to read your book, and sadly, I do not have any credit cards, but I would love to offer your book to clients.
    I work from a partner site, so it isn’t mine, but I am so excited to launch my own. I want to start with a bang. So, Rori, would you please get back to me, at my email, and tell me what you think about it? Thank you so much. Hugs and Kisses dear!

  32.  #32Simply Shannon on October 2, 2009 at 11:55 am

    Email from the guy I went out with last night. I feel so proud of myself. I didn’t talk too much! I listened! Woohoo!
    Hey Shannon: I realy enjoyed last night. You’re a great girl, and I think we have a lot in common.

    When I left I realized I had talked more to you than anyone I have been out with in years. I really felt like a blabber mouth, which is so not me. But I think I was comfortable talking to you, and you were encouraging.

    Anyway I hope you have a great weekend. I hope we can get together one night next week, but understand that you are pretty busy. I hope to talk to you soon! E~

  33.  #33Mercedes on October 2, 2009 at 12:09 pm

    Awesome Shannon!!!

    Much Love,

  34.  #34Liz on October 2, 2009 at 12:16 pm

    This is a great post….I would love for Rori to expand on this topic some more. I especially would like more tools and tips to learn how to “switch hats” from the boy work environment to the girl personal life environment. I struggle with this tremendously. I am a Chief of Staff and typically have to be in ultra boy mode in my professional life…and get much recognition and praise for my work skills in managing people and situations. And of course, it feels good to be acknowledged and praised so I naturally take this same mode into my personal life but there I’m realizing it doesn’t work so well despite it being the same physical person “me” in both places. In fact, my 2.5 yr on-again-off-again-on again guy said this past weekend that he would like it if I was more “soft.” My jaw dropped…it was like Rori world was calling out for me to work harder on all this stuff. From this blog I actually felt I understood what he meant and was looking for in “softness.” So, I’m feeling quite intrigued by this post and the “how to” of being boy at work and “soft” girl at home and intimate relationships. It’s hard and I feel anxious for more guidance.

    I also enjoyed this comment above: “I guess I just need some ideas on how to go with the feelings of defensiveness and resentfulness when I feel like I’m being criticised…” This is so true for me too….and I think it stems from in my professional life since I’m the “authority, boss” that not many people criticize me that much but at in non-work life that’s not the case and when I get criticized I come across very defensively and resentful. Some help and insight would be wonderful.

  35.  #35Rori Raye on October 2, 2009 at 3:41 pm

    Christina, Welcome, and congratulations on your great attitude and determination to follow your dream…and it’s SO doable! Feel free to put the partner site in the URL box when you comment, and we’ll all be able to click through your name and look at it…Love, Rori

  36.  #36Chaudemaman on October 2, 2009 at 6:54 pm

    Laughing Goddess and all the other beautiful women on here… make that 4 dates with 4 different men. 2 are new, never mets and 1 is a second date and the 4th is a 4th date. Will post more in between dates…lol
    I am feeling quite desirable if not a wee bit tired…
    Love you all,

  37.  #37Chaudemaman on October 2, 2009 at 6:56 pm

    Here is what I wrote for the online dating site I’m on once I realized what I really wanted.
    The other day, a potential suitor asked me “How will I know if I have found The One?” I had to pause and think about how to answer that question. How will I know if I have found The One? After all I don’t believe that there is only one person out there in this vast world waiting for me to drop in on their door step. And then again I believe that you can be happy and in love with one person for all your life, as long as you choose wisely and you work at being in a healthy relationship.
    But how to put it into words?
    Here was and still is my response to his question. “I will know it is the right guy when he shows me by words and deeds that he is worthy of my full attention.”
    Now let me explain… I’m not speaking of bouquets of roses (which frankly I don’t even like) and expensive dates and all the other trappings that Harlequin romance novels or other lust in the dust novels and Hallmark would like us to buy into. I am speaking of thoughtful acts that demonstrate that yes, you were listening, when in passing, I mentioned something I liked or wanted to do one day. It’s the words of “Hey, I was of you today and they were the most delicious thoughts.”, or something along those lines.
    I am looking for a “slow burn” type of love. Just like when you build a campfire… burns too hot and all you are left with is ashes… a slow burn leaves you with white hot coals, cool enough to walk on but glowing with red hot heat underneath.
    And the interest has been red hot… lol

  38.  #38alias girl on October 2, 2009 at 7:39 pm

    oooh goddess Chaudemaman i feel inspired by all your dates!!!!!

    i personally love all the romantical stuff. flowers, jewelry, notes, etc etc etc. Love it. 🙂

    i feel good to have Four dates!!!

    aaaahhhhhhhh my financial outlook has shifted. pshew. i feel sooooooo good about this. thank you. i feel empowered.

  39.  #39Daria on October 2, 2009 at 8:59 pm

    OKAY!!! update :

    so theres a rapper in this area that is locally famous for the past like 15 years. He’s the most famous local rapper that many of the guys I date listen to.

    So apparently he’s been contacting me online and texting me/calling me. I didn’t even know it was him until another man told me it was. I said no it’s not. He said trust me… I know who xyz is. I said wow ok. I guess its xyz. Well I don’t know. He acts kind of funny i said.

    Xyz has been asking me to come over. I have kept on saying no. XYZ spazzes out and says blah you are weird, who doesn’t drive to men, etc etc This has happened several times, after which I don’t respond.

    Apparently XYZ still likes me, because I get more texts from him now that I am back in town

    He asks me what im doing,
    He wants to see me

    I write… “i know and I would love to meet you too papi. I feel frustrated because I don’t want to be driving to a man and that’s what I was hearing.”

    He writes : babe my license just got suspended. I have 3 cars and gas, you just have to get here and you can drive any of them

    (this by the way is pretty nice of mr. xyz)

    I pause, for like an hour, feeling upset. I feel upset at the police for suspending Mr. XYZ’s licence, not to mention numerous other men who have this difficulty of getting to me, and others with no license who are afraid of getting pulled over by racist cops in my “posh” town, etc.

    I feel amused too at God for putting me in this situation OVER AND OVER AGAIN. HEHE.

    So I write:

    “Ugh I feel mad at the police for taking your license away. I hear what you are offering and I feel special. It would feel great to say I feel cool with that but I don’t…”

    and in a following text

    “The truth is I don’t mind if you drive, get a ride, fly, bus, walk, or teleport. I just don’t want to be making the effort to get to a man. It feels unfeminine and I feel blah.”

    So here I feeling worried that Mr. XYZ is going to spazz out again.

    But instead he writes


    Ah. I feel so good. Now he knows what’s important to me and I feel heard. Yay. Now he also gets a chance to figure it out.

    And I get a chance to go with my girlfriend to the club and meet MORE SEXY MEN! whooo hoooo

  40.  #40nikita on October 2, 2009 at 9:44 pm

    Hi 🙂

    OK. I feel like expressing..So I am dating a guy that seems to be a little analytical, or just brainy. He’s over 40 fyi.
    I feel ..I don’t know what I feel. I only return his calls or update him by text according to our plans…i.e.,”on my way. or the address is…” very simple…I have really leaned back..sort of by accident. I had so much going on and I was dating others and trying to make time. He asks me a lot of stuff. I feel like a rubics cube that gets turned round and round by these boy fingers… looking studying inspecting. Why is he trying to read me or figure me out ? Can’t we just be in the moment? ugh!
    He’s really easy on the eyes, not my usual but undeniably lovely. respectful. well-mannered but if I keep feeling like he’s looking to hard for “bad stuff” I may banish him from my kingdom. I don’t want to. But I feel all up in my head now, thinky thinky thinky. bleh thinky. I feel like I stay on the phone too long with him. I usually cut them short to prevent too much thinky but it’s sort of a long distance datey thing ………ugh. He was so light before and now I feel vetted.

  41.  #41alias girl on October 2, 2009 at 10:17 pm

    i feel good to just be in the moment too. (while simultaneously daydreaming of marrying the ones i like.) but mostly just being in the Now feels really best for me.

  42.  #42heartbeat on October 3, 2009 at 12:31 am

    woo hoo Daria! Your last comment made me smile. I love the way you texted and how you found your words.

  43.  #43nikita on October 3, 2009 at 12:35 am

    I still simultaneously dream….even though I may not want to be pinned down…I dream, but my goodness. He was like Inspector Gadget on the phone today.

  44.  #44heartbeat on October 3, 2009 at 12:42 am

    woohoo Shannon too! I’d feel amazing to get that email.

    Chaudemaman – I relate, I have a slow-burner and right now it’s white-hot. I’ve had so many of the other kind I could make a fortune with Harlequin.

    Nikita – I feel really curious, he seems very interested and asks lots of questions which makes you feel under the spotlight and want to wriggle away. But you like him? Sometimes I can feel uncomfortable with a lot of attention, but want it all the same. Especially if I really like someone. btw I can find ‘bad stuff’ all by myself, no-one else needs to do it for me lol!


  45.  #45heartbeat on October 3, 2009 at 12:42 am

    Lol Nikita! Who is Inspector Gadget?? I’ll Google…

  46.  #46heartbeat on October 3, 2009 at 12:45 am

    Is this him? “Often cluelessly stumbling through any case he is given, Gadget frequently ignorantly makes foolish mistakes pertaining to surroundings and current environment, mistaking innocent bystanders (and Brain) for enemies, and believing that the real enemies are friends. His ineptitude always leads him into danger, but he always gets out of trouble through either his trusty gadgets (most notably his springs), Penny’s interference, or pure luck.”

  47.  #47alias girl on October 3, 2009 at 12:59 am

    i feel good to be with a man who focusses on my goddessness and overlooks the less developed goddess aspects of myself.

    i feel good to be with a lover. my ex said he is my lover, nothing more. he is such a huge liar. anyway i could swing with that but he keeps trying to hehehe i can’t even put it into words i feel so giggly and amused by him and his doingness. still though he is Out of rotation and has been for quite awhile.

    anyhoo i feel good to be with people focussing on my better qualities.

    i feel very secretly movie characterish with my torch(es!) still burning for my ex (es!).

    still though real life is happening Right Now and i feel better to be in Real Situations with men and have five Real boyfriends. etc.

  48.  #48heartbeat on October 3, 2009 at 1:06 am

    Abundance, Alias Girl! Real abundance. I feel you savouring your journey across your bridge.

    The day beckons here. Bye for now, sleeping goddesses xxxx

  49.  #49alias girl on October 3, 2009 at 2:14 am

    thank you heartbeat. i feel supported for being who i truly am. tthat feels really great. i feel appreciative.

    good night siren-ey red head goddess.

    abundance to all and to all a goodnight!

  50.  #50tinque on October 3, 2009 at 6:53 am

    I must comment on chaudemaman’s name. It tickles me.
    You hot mama you. 🙂

  51.  #51nikita on October 3, 2009 at 9:03 am


    Omg! Heartbeat thank you for your due diligence HAHAHAH! that was fantastic.. I feel all tickly and and vindicated…

    Yes that is Inspector Gadget…I feel so grateful that you put that here it is almost exactly what he’s done…..so silly.Probably means well but gee, how much more can a girl take!

  52.  #52nikita on October 3, 2009 at 9:15 am

    Heartbeat, AG,

    this feels like a case when the man can’t handle sex 😉

    I feel fine either way, we can date or….whatever…I feel good either way. He’s always been super brainy. I feel amazed at meeting a man whose memory is sharper than mine. It’s crazy! My memory has always been the blue ribbon winner. I feel pouty.
    Ever since I was intimate with him he’s just turned up the lights…..a little late for that. He’s so perfect perfect I feel like I’m his thesis or something……Mind you this is the most recent conversation we had where I heard some words I felt didn’t belong between two people who are having a little romance….He might be a droid 🙂

  53.  #53heartbeat on October 3, 2009 at 9:32 am

    Nikita – lol! – I’ve been out with a few academic men or men who were really into something – some I felt turned on by, some not. I had a two year on-off relationship with one who was sooo lovely, but I just couldn’t feel that deep dark red feeling, that ‘I’m gonna rip your pants off with my teeth’ feeling. My man gets into Big Discussions – I don’t have a problem with the words – but it is very head-based. I found it heavy at first, but now I feel amused sometimes, sometimes amazed and interested, sometimes irritated, sometimes respectful. All depends what mood I’m in. But I always got that grrrr feeling.

    Boils down to How YOU Feel with him. Keep him in your rotation a bit longer, see how you feel in a while?? Unless it’s curtains already of course.

    Right, I’m off for the weekend now Sirens, possibly longer, working back to back first part of the week.

  54.  #54heartbeat on October 3, 2009 at 9:35 am

    er I rushed that last msg – sorry Nikita – I see now you weren’t asking for advice, so please just cherry-pick from my experiences 🙂

  55.  #55nikita on October 3, 2009 at 10:03 am


    I love it, thanks. My last BF was major caveman blue collar guy….so much easier but I’m up for an adventure…so please share more about the Big discussion feelings…I feel less alone and curious….have fun..ciao bella 🙂

  56.  #56Angeline on October 3, 2009 at 11:27 am

    I feel angry when people try to control me. I feel angry when people say I’m too emotional. I feel angry that so many women don’t think they’re beautiful and put up with bs. I feel arghhh! fking angry. I feel angry that my anger is so unattractive and makes me feel ugly. I love my anger. I feel sick when I get thinky like I want to figure out my anger. I feel frustrated that I give up too much of my space. I feel like it’s all coming out and my jaw is so tight and hurts and my lips feels tingly and my eyes are dry. I feel it right in the bottom of my pelvis, my gutts screaming leave me the f alone with your controlliIng sexual harassment workplace bullying energy. I love my anger. My jaw feels metallic it’s so tight.

  57.  #57janjune on October 3, 2009 at 12:13 pm

    Hi Rori and goddesses!
    Thank you for this post Rori, I feel this will help in the way you intended. Thank you for the specific instructions in teaching ourselves how to feel the difference. And thank you for never moving off track with your message when you encounter differing opinions or other, even valid, points of view…at first it felt scary to have the masculine voices trying to superimpose their opinions over the top of yours but now I see it IS free therapy.
    Alias Girl, your riffing was my first way deep emotional connection here and I feel blessed to be with all the other goddesses as we see you up ahead on your horse yelling back to us that there really is good stuff up ahead!!
    I am in thinky-boy.
    I want to move into feeley-girl and try to riff.
    I feel thankful for Rori. I feel thankful that she is freely, generously sharing her insights with us. I feel thankful for all you goddesses. I feel encouraged to hear of other goddesses’ journeys. I love being on my horse. I have pushed the old bf off my horse but he is still attached by one leg to a rope that is hooked onto the back. The rope is getting longer. Ha!
    I feel grateful for the new way of learning to EXPRESS to those around me who I really am. A girl. I feel loving and wonderful and beautiful about being a girl. I feel fresh and open and loving and loved and ready to be loved by everyone who wants to love me in a way that’s healthly for me and for them.
    I feel ready to learn to protect and defend my goddess self.
    I feel ready to begin the journey of taking total responsibility for protecting myself from harm, misuse or abuse.
    I don’t want to love someone who doesn’t love me back.
    I don’t want to feel indebted to those who love me but I don’t love back.
    I feel stifled and overburdened and sick-feeling about being in the presence of men who act like a girl. I feel tired in their presence. I feel overwhlemed and exhausted.I feel confused and tired and annoyed and bored. I don’t want to entertain men who are in Girl. I don’t want to entertain men at all. I don’t want to have to make them feel good. I don’t want to have to make them feel good about themselves. I don’t want to be *what* they do when they can’t find anything else to do. I don’t want to fill up their free time. While they exhaust mine. I don’t want to make sure they’re alright. I don’t wnat to have to make sure *we’re* alright. I don’t want to have to make sure they’re not mad at me. I don’t want their needy presence around my goddess mist anymore(thank you for that visual Alias Girl!). I don’t want to feel drained. I don’t want to feel put on the spot. I don’t want to feel responsible for their happiness. I feel delighted to know I can express all these things. I feel amused that I did not know I did not want all these things. I feel happy that there is more bubblying up that I did not know I do not want!!!!
    I do not want to sit there and let someone overscrutinize me to see if I’m good enough for them to see if they will give me a chance to make them happy!!!!
    Or smart enough. Or make enough money. Or have a good enough job. Or am educated enough. Or pretty enough. I do not want to answer personal questions about sex with somone I do not know to see if I am a good fit for them. Them them them, it’s all about them, I feel drained in my spirit being or even thinking about being around men like that. I don’t want them taking up my space and time. I feel like I am unloading toxic spillage from my heart. I feel lighter. A little happier. A little sunnier. A little more energy coming on. A little brighter outlook. I feel like going to the door to look outside at the sunshine and take it in. I’ll be back.
    It’s fall.
    I feel like eating a piece of candy. I feel like having a cookie. I feel like drinking strong coffe with lots of cream. I love this. I feel so laughy and free. I am laughing now. I can’t believe this is so much fun. I was scared to try it but now my eyes are watering because ‘m so happy and I feel the warmth of the furnacde and I’m so grateful to have a warm claen house and so appreciative of all the blessings despite the things that are not right in my life right now. Now I feel achy in my head because I ddin’t know how to process the intense ruch of feelings that came on allat once. Tha’t okay. Ill figure it out. I loveyourRori and I bless you for the work you are doing and blessings happy journey to all the goddesses. I look forward to riding our horses together.

    I feel drained of my spirit.

  58.  #58janjune on October 3, 2009 at 12:34 pm

    CORRECTION!!**** I do *not* feel drained of my spirit.
    That was a comment I made near the top of my riffing, it was a comment I was editing—it just got pushed waaayy down and didn’t see it before I pushed SUBMIT.
    I do NOT feel drained of my spirit at all!!

  59.  #59Linda on October 3, 2009 at 1:05 pm

    This post is such a challanges me. Even saying that sounds so masculine. I am a thinker,and problem solving doer. In fact all the adjectives that I would use to describe my strengths are masculine. So… doing,thinkin,telling,giving,teaching all masculine and being,feeling,expressing,receiving,listening… all femine. This a a great list. It gives me a guideline to help me identify what mode I am in at any given moment…

    I am committed to be authentic and loving who I am. I want to be as fluid in being femine as I am in masculine side. I have a couple of men and a few more in the wings of my circular dating rotation. There is one that I feel strangely comfortable with. He is nothing like anyone I have met since I have been dating. He is rough around the edges but also has an unmistakeable charm about him. He is style of communication is somewhat unappealing but at the same time he is geniune in it.

    I came out after work one day to find a orange tootsie roll pop on my windshield. I bought one while paying my bill for dinner after our initial meeting. Here this big pick me up and throw me over his shoulder guy buying a tootsie pop in my favorite flaver and leaving it on my windshield. I think I am going to practice being femine with him… he brings that out in me somehow.

    It is kinda fun… I am going to practice feeling, being, receiving,listening and responding, just being me… He keeps telling me that “everything” will be ok. I think he is on to something.


  60.  #60Symantha on October 3, 2009 at 1:41 pm

    Hey ladies,

    there’s any post about online dating and the dinamics when emailing, etc?? Im felling lost between emails, not being directly asked for my number or on a date, uuhggghhh!!!


  61.  #61alias girl on October 3, 2009 at 1:44 pm

    aw. i feel smiling linda. 🙂

    angeline i feel very good to hear you following your feelings. i feel empowered. i feel clarity about what you don’t want.

  62.  #62alias girl on October 3, 2009 at 1:49 pm

    symantha if a man does not ask me for my number or a date well

    what can i do?

    i just let them go by leaning back. usually i lose interest.

    for me personally i feel best about this. other sirens may do it differently. but it’s kind of a crucial step and foundation for what is to come.

    if he can’t ask me out—well he is probably not a good rower. and i want a man who can row our boat. ifeel curious to read what other sirens say about it.

  63.  #63Uschi on October 3, 2009 at 2:00 pm

    Gina, I think what you mean by showing a man your brain is showing him or telling him how something can be done or a problem can be solved. Which triggered a memory in me when my mother told me WITH A MAN YOU HAVE TO COME IN THROUGH THE BACK DOOR OR BE VERY DIPLOMATIC AND LET HIM THINK THAT HE CAME UP WITH THE SOLUTION TO THE PROBLEM. I know feel that is what Rori means by getting us to say: “What do you think” when we talk to a man and lean back all during that time. Basically we throw the problem or issue in his lap and now he has the ball and needs to run with it. Rori, correct me if I am wrong on that please.

  64.  #64Uschi on October 3, 2009 at 2:32 pm

    I am not quite sure I follow on that concept or switching hats. In every day life I been oftentimes if not mostly wearing the boys hat. I have always been doing what needs to be done. I have a hard time picturing myself when I am DOING (boy) something to stop and switch to BEING (girl). How do you stop loading the dishwasher DOING to switch and become BEING. Ya gotta finish what you are doing to get it done. The only way I can picture that is if he comes upstairs puts his arms around me while I am loading the dishwasher and I just completely stop what I am doing and become feminine and soft in his arms and lean my head on his chest and totally let go of doing the dishes and to hell with them he could finish up later or whatever after all they don’t run away or I finish it later. Then there are other issues. For example when I first moved here I’d asked him to install a hand held shower for me cause I like to rinse off after I take a hot relaxing bath. It’s been 8 years now and I still haven’t got it but have to say after asking for it several times I gave up on it. So do I do it myself? I know how but don’t like messing with plumbing. The light switch needs to be changed too in that bathroom, he bought it for me and he is now thinking that I will do the switch of the switch (LOL) cause I said I would (that was before I came across this blog and your e-book) What I am trying to figure out is – so many times men say they are going to do something and then they don’t do it and we then end up either doing it ourselves or we have to do without it. So if I am doing I am boy and masculine and if am not doing and being and feminine it doesn’t get done. So many times I just did it to have it done and out of the way and I am not just talking about my current one but also in previous relationships. I believe in some ways ever since I was little I have always been a tom boy in some ways in part because I felt what boys were doing was so much more cool than the traditional girl things. In part do to that and the fact that I simply had to I know how to do so many things that are traditionally boyish. Painting the house, making repairs, hanging sheet rock etc etc etc. But I want to be a woman, I want to be cherished as a woman yet I end up having to do so many masculine things and to be quite honest I am proud of being able to do that. How can I find a balance here. I would feel so much better if my man picks me up and carries me over the rain puddle than me having to jump over it.
    I have been picked up by a man twice in my life and I remember what I felt like it was yesterday. The feeling of being carried is a feeling of safety, of lightness, of security, of letting go of heaviness and just trusting those arms and the man who holds you. That feeling I believe any woman should not just have when she is being carried but within the relationship. OF being able to let go and just be. Unfortunately I don’t know how to get there and achieve that, but I want it and that’s what I’ve been looking for. Am I wrong?
    It is hard to do that switch from boy hat to girl hat and the only time I felt BEING truly feminine was when I was carried.
    HELP please

  65.  #65Daria on October 3, 2009 at 3:57 pm

    Uschi… keep practicing switching. i have also been a tomboy all my life. DOING boy stuff is perfectly cool… like Rori says, check out the Sci Fi heroines. It’s in the relationship with the MAN that it’s important we switch hats and melt into our feminine.

  66.  #66Rori Raye on October 3, 2009 at 4:34 pm

    Uschi…great questions. Just a few answers – 1 . Yes, you just stop loading the dishwasher and melt, and when he goes back out of the kitchen, you go back to loading…..Also – please practice being PRESENT when you’re doing stuff…get out of your head and really FEEL the dishes…use the time to “Touch Objects” and get grounded and in your body. 2. I’ve just discovered over time what’s important to me to get done that I can do myself…and I just do it. I’m handy…I do stuff when I want to. If it’s big, like lifting water bottles (I’m too sensitive even for filtered water) on the cooler – I’d ask…but then I discovered a manual pump I put on the bottles on the ground…so I don’t have to ask. The less I ask for…the MORE HE DOES!!! The less “have to,” the more “want to.” Doing “masculine things” around the house that you’re GOOD AT – I personally have done 100% in building my office and my daughter’s bathroom in our house because I’m good at it, and I LIKE doing it. This has NOTHING to do with the RELATIONSHIP. You just learn to SWITCH HATS. If I’m working (and I love to work) — and my husband shows up and touches me or talks to me…I go girl. (Not “stupid…” just GIRL) That’s how it works…Love, Rori

  67.  #67Rori Raye on October 3, 2009 at 4:36 pm

    Uschi – this has nothing to do with being diplomatic and “letting him think he’s coming up with it.” That’s a total violation of my 4 Rules. You really have to just let him solve it. And if it’s something you feel YOU need to solve, then just solve it and leave it out of the relationship. You make a list of what you can give up on…the garbage, the laundry, cleaning up after himself…what can you just let go…and go from there. It’s all in the book. Love, Rori

  68.  #68Rori Raye on October 3, 2009 at 4:40 pm

    Janjune, Welcome, and thank you for your lovely comment. Looking forward to reading more from you…Love, Rori

  69.  #69Rori Raye on October 3, 2009 at 4:40 pm

    Angeline…I love your anger, too. Rori

  70.  #70Daria on October 3, 2009 at 5:57 pm


    I feel teary eyed! I feel sooo clear on what you said about men and making htem feel better about themselves, and not feeling indebted and beign what they do when they dont have other things to do omgoodness thank you.

  71.  #71Daria on October 3, 2009 at 5:58 pm

    I feel like printing out JanJunes’ comment

  72.  #72Daria on October 3, 2009 at 6:00 pm

    I feel sooo excited and tingly eyed! I feel like whenever I have a man problem I can just pull out Jan June’s I don’t wants.

    I feel like I build an infinity of Power Speeches from this list.

    I feel blessed. Thank you Angel JanJune

  73.  #73Daria on October 3, 2009 at 6:02 pm

    Goddess JanJune… and Angel for me right now for helping me SOO MUCH with this

    I was talking to a man last nite who thinks of himself as my friend, even though we have a sexual relationship. I leaned back and concentrated on receiving.

    He kept interrupting me to tell me more stories. I didn’t like that.

    He also made me feel better and laugh when I was feeling bad. I liked that and said so.

    I feel glad for the don’t wants. There’s many I can communicate with him.

    yay. yay.

  74.  #74Daria on October 3, 2009 at 6:08 pm

    I don’t want to be *what* he does when he can’t find anything else to do. I don’t want to make sure he’s alright. I don’t want to have to make him feel good about himself.

    I don’t want to hear about other women he’s dating.

    I don’t want to be his friend while having a sexual relationship.

    I don’t want to be his friend without being introduced to other sexy men he knows.

    I don’t want to have a sexual relationship while being his friend.

    I don’t want to have a sexual relationship without dating him.

    I could at this point be his friend (no sexual relationship, please introduce me to your other sexy friends)

    or be in a dating relationship and have sexual stuff with him when I desire it.

    I feel curious that I am actually open to both these options with him. That feels surprising and unusual for me. I honestly would be willing to try either and see how i feel

    what do Goddesses think?

    should I ask him what he thinks?

  75.  #75Uschi on October 3, 2009 at 7:25 pm

    this is a totally new concept to me about feeling the dishes and being there in the present, because most of the time when I do things like that, that are rather booooooooooooring to me, my mind wanders off to other things like what shopping needs to be done, the car needs oil my daughter hasn’t called for 3 days, the dog needs a bath, time to clean the kitchen floor again and not to forget about the arrangements 200 of them for a wedding I am gonna do for my friend who has a flower shop and how we can do it fast and easy and be less labor intensive. And now after reading and understanding the thing about being in the present it makes me realize that the only time I do that is when I do floral arrangements. Then I am really in the PRESENT because it isn’t just that I make an arrangement, I make a piece of art. I am not talking about the simple $35 basket arrangements though even those I do with care and they have to be balanced, but I am enjoying contemporary design, high style that actually came out of Ikebana a Japanese style of floral arranging where each flower has a meaning and you usually only have 3 flowers in an arrangement and some complimentary fillers who also “speak” each main flower has a meaning either heaven, men or earth and what flowers are used and how they arranged is a story by itself. You could learn Ikebana for 10 years and still don’t know it all. Anyway the high style resulted from that and – to take just 3-5 flowers usually tropical or otherwise exotic looking flowers and make a statement with those in a nice unusual container – that’s when I am in the PRESENT I touch the flower I look at the color and the shape and how it fits best with the rest and where to place it for each individually to stand out and yet be complimentary to the others and everything needs to be taken into consideration – flower color, texture, shape fragrance, the color texture and shape of the container and then put it all together to look pleasing to the eye so when looking at it you will notice each but your eye will also follow the design from one to the next and it become a whole being almost and sometimes it makes me sad that they will eventually die and it will be gone forever. In a way I feel that’s when I am giving myself to something I love doing and though the money I make doing it is important cause I need it for the bills what gives me as much if not more satisfaction is when I get the “WOW{ or the AAAA’s UUUU’s and OOOOOH’s from the recipient. Nothing pleases me more than when I hand the bridal bouquet to the Bride and I see the eyes light up because they love it. I have seen tears in the eyes of brides when they took their bouquet or saw the way the reception was set up. The same thing is when I do my knitting on the knitting machine, even if its just a sweater.
    Now, having written all this I have a challenge cut out for me to use what I do with flowers for my dishes, my body and everything else around me. Ugh – I feel challenged and a bit insecure of pulling that one off.

  76.  #76janjune on October 3, 2009 at 7:47 pm

    Thank you for your reply Rori.

  77.  #77janjune on October 3, 2009 at 7:57 pm

    goddess Daria,
    I feel so very very happy that you can take something from my *I don’t wants*. I feel so pleased to return the favor that you have provide to me in the past two months as i have taken alot from you and learned. I feel you are awesome in your boldness toward stepping out and finding what feels good in life to YOU. Courageous in your committment toward the goal. I feel encouraged to read how well you are treating your goddess self, how well you require those around you to treat you and the resuilts you are getting. I feel opened up, riffing for the first time. I feel incredulous at the result of it as tears came down my cheeks for half an hour afterwards.. Not boohoohoo, but whewboohoo!
    goddess janjune

  78.  #78Daria on October 3, 2009 at 8:02 pm

    Uschi You WILL YOU WILL YOU WILL !!! ohh that feels so beautiful about the flowers… i feel inspired to bring that into everything I am doing

  79.  #79Daria on October 3, 2009 at 8:03 pm

    JanJune – I feel so good! riffing opened me up too… tears laughter tears… wonder magic joy amazement

  80.  #80alias girl on October 3, 2009 at 8:07 pm

    omg i feel so happy. i’ve known about this hip hop concert since july (or earlier) and it is tonight and i didn’t have $ for tix. but i decided to come anyway and expect a miracle.

    at first i couldn’t find parking. and then i did.

    and then i was just waiting by the entrance , expecting my miracle and some guy walks by me and stands right next to me and then says to a girl in line “hey want my ticket?” and my jaw dropped and i could feel all the tension in my face that happens before i cry. and i was llike

    my angel gave the free ticket to the wrong girl! it was supposed to be me! that girl was in line because she had the money to pay. so i juts turned away and stood by the fence and started crying. and then i stopped butt still felt really sad.

    and i thought about trying to go up the hill and sneak in the artists entrance but i felt afraid to do that. what if it took me to backstage. that wouldn’t be useful.

    so i just moved back near the entrance and expected a miracle and some girl walks up and syas says hey want a ticket?

    i said ‘how much?l

    she said.lfree.’

    i said YES!

    and i asked her if i could hug her.

    i feel so happy i could cry.

    ahhhh show is starting!!!!

  81.  #81Nikita on October 3, 2009 at 8:25 pm

    Yayy alias girl!!!
    I feel so much bravery even through your tears…. It felt totally vulnerable! Yayyyyyy

  82.  #82Linda on October 3, 2009 at 8:35 pm

    I LOVE the list Janjune I love it!!!. I wrote it down…

    The ones I resonated with the most was….
    “I dont want to sit and have someone scrutinize me to see if I am good enough for them to give me a chance to make them happy!” … O M GOSH!!!

    I added some of my own.

    ….I dont want to be diplomatic, reasonable, understanding and accepting of mens selfish, myopic, disrespectful, mediocraty!
    ….I dont want unauthentic men dabbling in my life
    ….I dont want to be catagorized “someone to be beware of” because I want a long-term, lasting, real, commited relationship!!!
    ….I dont want to put up with a man who does not keep his word and says things he does not mean.

    I am thinky problem solving task oriented boy most the time.
    I wanna be feely girl too.

    I want a man who will row the boat and KNOWS that my willingness to even be in the boat with him is EXCEPTIONAL!!

    My feely girl wants to be:

    cherished, valued, treasured, respected, held, touched, protected, safe, surrendered, adored, sought, trusting and accepted.

    My feely girl wants to be:

    sexual, frisky, hot, sensual, soft, tender, unguarded, receptive, responsive and melty.

    I got an email today from the man who scrutinized me, deemed me unworthy of a chance to make him happy. Telling me how much he liked my new glasses and how “smart my pictures were on line”… Telling me how much he loved his new condo and work and how fractured he was and how he is building his life again…wondering if I understood… Why write me…?… How could it possible matter really? …….

    What a miserable draining SOB !


  83.  #83janjune on October 3, 2009 at 9:32 pm

    goddess Linda,
    Yes, it was your post that inspired the *I don’t want* list. I thought of a lovely woman…you or I or any of the other goddesses…sitting there in front of a man presenting ourselves giving them the CHANCE to meet and spend time with a beautiful feminine lovely GIRL and they are caaa-loo-less as to what to do with one.
    They’re just driving it hard to make sure *you’re the one* before they waste any of their time bothering with (generic) you. On my (recent) first-ever date that I met on-line, I had the sickening experience of having a man who had lied about who he was sit across the table from me and determine quite openly whether I was good enough for him. When I saw him at first I had that sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach because the pix he had posted were at least 10 years old, but I thought, he has a message and I GRACIOUSLY did not get in my car and drive off!!
    As it turned out I, after he talked his head off for two hours, had a message for HIM. The silent message was that I am a strong, lovely, smart, beautiful, intelligent, compassionate, feeling, caring, intuitive, mature, creature and a force of feminine nature. I didn’t say it but I know he left knowing that he had been very lucky to have gotten to spend a few hours in the presence of a person who was so kind and generous and loving and strong and understanding and intuitive. I rebutted his chauvinistic babble with goddess truth. He looked dazed. He told me this was a very unusual date. He wanted to go to the amusement park, the renaissance fair, the ball game. I said no, but I’d have coffee with him.
    I felt degraded at first that someone who I found so unattractive would believe that he would determine if I was good enough for him to spend the money for a plate of appetizers and a couple of tropical drinks! Then it became an act of mercy on my part to allow him to be in my presence so he might get a taste of goddessness. I know that sounds silly and arrogant, but it’s partly true. I feel that men haven’t had the opportunity to BE around goddessy women—no one taught us how to be goddesses—and I felt this guy was nice enough he deserved to feel what it was like to communicate with and be a MAN in the presence of someone who was learning at least how to be a girl.
    It’s true, each man has a message and I just have to learn to love it.
    goddess janjune

  84.  #84janjune on October 3, 2009 at 9:38 pm

    btw goddess linda, i love your feeley girl list, below: YESYESYES!!

    “My feely girl wants to be:

    cherished, valued, treasured, respected, held, touched, protected, safe, surrendered, adored, sought, trusting and accepted.

    My feely girl wants to be:

    sexual, frisky, hot, sensual, soft, tender, unguarded, receptive, responsive and melty.”

  85.  #85Daria on October 3, 2009 at 10:15 pm

    I just got a call from an ex that is trying to readjust to my Goddessness.

    He now is being very nice, but also I get a sad feeling from him, and I feel burdened, responsible for his happiness.

    Still there is progress.

    I feel good that I am ever so in my Goddess self and no longer triggered by this man who used to hypnotize me with his emotionally abusive crap

    oh wow I actually realized I communicated to him the stuff in the past that bothered me and that I want it remediated. Wow that was a big step actually.

    I feel sad thinking that he might die… like he said, but I feel happy that I am no longer as scared of death. I already know plenty of dead people. I feel all “cool” saying that (because only cool people know lots of dead people because they ahve been through a lot of pain and that is honorable – thank you clarity lol). Well mostly because I feel like well I could die too, anyone could die right. We will all see each other in Heaven yay.

  86.  #86Nikita on October 3, 2009 at 10:19 pm


    I know lots of dead people and now I feel it’s really cool. I wish my ex called me……well he did the other day but……sigh

  87.  #87Rori Raye on October 3, 2009 at 11:10 pm

    Uschi, how beautiful…Love, Rori

  88.  #88alias girl on October 4, 2009 at 12:40 am

    i see dead people.

  89.  #89alias girl on October 4, 2009 at 12:46 am

    haha. not really. that’s a line from that movie.

  90.  #90Ann on October 4, 2009 at 1:33 am

    I was going to post this on my own blog but for whatever reason blogger isn’t working for me tonight. I found this on the web and wanted to share.

    LIFE IS TOO SHORT…….. written by a 90 year old women…Enjoy!

    1. Life isn’t fair, but it’s still good.
    2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
    3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
    4. Your job won’t take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.
    5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
    6. You don’t have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
    7. Cry with someone. It’s more healing than crying alone.
    8. It’s OK to get angry with God.. He can take it.
    9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
    10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
    11. Make peace with your past so it won’t screw up the present.
    12. It’s OK to let your children see you cry.
    13. Don’t compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
    14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn’t be in it.
    15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don’t worry; God never blinks.
    16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
    17. Get rid of anything that isn’t useful, beautiful or joyful.
    18. Whatever doesn’t kill you really does make you stronger.
    19. It’s never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
    20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don’t take no for an answer.
    21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don’t save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
    22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
    23. Be eccentric now. Don’t wait for old age to wear purple.
    24. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
    25. Frame every so-called disaster with these words ”In five years, will this matter?”.
    26. Always choose life.
    27. Forgive everyone everything.
    28. What other people think of you is none of your business.
    29. Time heals almost everything.. Give time, time.
    30. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
    31. Don’t take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
    32. Believe in miracles.
    33. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn’t do.
    34. Don’t audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
    35. Growing old beats the alternative — dying young.
    36. Your children get only one childhood.
    37. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
    38. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
    39. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else’s, we’d grab ours back.
    40. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
    41. The best is yet to come.
    42. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
    43. Yield.
    44. Life isn’t tied with a bow, but it’s still a gift.

    from: http://answerology.quickandsimple.com/index.aspx/question/2734898_LIFE-IS-TOO-SHORT-written-by-a-90-year-old-womenEnjoy.html

  91.  #91Flipper on October 4, 2009 at 7:49 am

    Hi Ann – Great list – I kept that one, too.

    In Rori’s list, I picked up on the word “tell” vs. express. Now I know why I feel so terrible and such resistance when I find myself saying ‘I should’. That feels like telling myself what to do, and I don’t want any bossing around, from anyone, least of all from my own Nasty Voices ‘telling’ me off or morally obligating me to do/be this or that . I DO want to EXPRESS who I am, most of all to myself, so I feel the clear boundary around who I am and can protect it. I feel more understanding of others’ feeling ticked off when I’m ‘just telling’ them things; I choose to I ‘reframe’ this so I feel less criticism of me and more acceptance of them expressing their feelings.

    What I’ve come to realize about ‘thoughts “vs.” feelings’ is that it’s a non sense to consider them this way, i.e. as antagonistic. I see them in my brain as well as elsewhere in my being, and both are essential to living. I have to count on my real, authentic feelings to properly inform my intellect of what’s good and meaningful for me, and my best thinking to make that into my reality in the world. But each has to be fully functional independently if they are to truly do their best in my interest. I feel I’m now learning how to balance them as equals in their interdependence. But till recently, thinking has had all the glory, and feeling has been totally misunderstood and shortchanged. ‘Logical’ thinking not based on genuine feeling leads to disaster, just as raw emotion disconnected from rational thought does.

    Uschi, I feel so happy for how you feel with flower-arranging.

    Sasha J – I have a friend who took care of her terminally-ill husband devotedly for 4 years, but she sometimes shocked people when she didn’t put up with his cantakerous sh*t in a very powerful way. But he loved her (and himself) more for it.

    Daria, would you share with Symantha how you get your number out to on-line men quickly without feeling leaning forward?

    I like Chaudemaman’s Hot Mama name, too. And JanJune, DearDear – I feel a Persian connection, na ? (I loved what you wrote, too, and feel your contributions as very helpful and healing.)

  92.  #92Symantha on October 4, 2009 at 9:10 am


    yes please 🙂
    the thing is they mention something like: I can tell you more when meet for a drink. They are not asking my numer or asking for a date (no time, not askit, etc) so how could I answer this kind of emails?

    Other try making questions, I answer in a short and cute way and they keep doing this and I lost interest but don’t know how to express that Im feeling bored replying to their emails.

    Thanks Godesses

  93.  #93Linda on October 4, 2009 at 9:20 am


    The date experience you described, I have lived through. You have put into words how I feel exactly. The last relationship I was in and out of, ended with “Mr Scrutiny” saying that he recognized that we did not have what the other needed It is true.. he is the one that did not have what I needed not the other way around. Everytime he rejected me it was a reflection of his own insecurities. It just all became toxic….and very draining. He did not take away from who I am at all.

    Like you said, he was clueless…. he even admitted that he knew that I was going to teach him how to love a “real woman”….

    Our goddessness gets challanged by others insecurities or self esteem issues… it happens on all levels. Romance, work, family etc. I am not arrogant or prideful but I am confident and proud. One is hard and prickly and the other soft and acceptable. I hear across the board… work, home, circular dating… you are soft, genuine, confident, calm. I like those words, they ring true in my spirit.

    Mr Scrutiny had never met anyone like me. I told him “I was the prize”!…. he said he did not see it. So if that is case, why write me? Why care if I understand, Why hope I am well and at peace? Why bother at all….

    My theory is this. This world is full of people who are posing in life. In other words…they are counterfiet. Fashioned after something that is real but you cant take to bank ! He in fact encountered something real, ME! Even though he scritinized me…. his criteria and judgement, tainted by baggage and his past…. he can’t dismiss me. I am that strong, mature, lovely, spiritual, authentic, genuine, compassionate, caring, prepared, intuitive mature, force of feminine nature that enhabits his subconcious that he longs for. Being a goddess is remarkable and makes us remakable.

    It takes a healthy secure man to love and embrace a goddess. An encounter with one of us will separate the men from the boys, the givers from the takers, and the secure from the insecure. It is a natural weeding process…. Mr Scrutiny is undergoing a much needed makeover, I knew it from the first moment I met him.

    In the end all that really matters is that we are true to ourselves and that we loved… I was and did.


  94.  #94janjune on October 4, 2009 at 9:37 am

    I felt warmth and purpose when I read what you said about my comments being helpful and healing. Thanku.

    your comment
    “What I’ve come to realize about ‘thoughts “vs.” feelings’ is that it’s a non sense to consider them this way, i.e. as antagonistic. I see them in my brain as well as elsewhere in my being, and both are essential to living.”

    There is a female PhD (her last name is Leaf) i saw on tv who “maps” the brain processes-I guess the technol. is available now to track how a thought creates an electrical AND a chemical reaction in our bodies and how the electricity and chemicals (serotonin, dopamine, endorphins, oxytocin etc) are then the structure of the feelings we feel. Fascinating.

    I feel Rori’s message deals with something that occurs even earlier in the process, that is, what started the thought that started the emotion to begin with?
    –and when our answer is “Some man’s behavior toward us” or “Our reaction to some man’s behavior toward us”, I feel that is what Rori’s message is addressing.

    flipper, I feel admiration for where you are in your life.
    I feel the balance in your statements. I feel the love in them that you have for yourself. I feel your self-respect.

  95.  #95nikita on October 4, 2009 at 10:32 am


    Thank you….that felt beautiful….I plan on printing it 🙂
    You Rock like dark chocolate!!!!


    How was the concert? any more miracles?

  96.  #96janjune on October 4, 2009 at 10:36 am

    Thank you for your kind words, I feel validation of you seeing who I am.
    I hear the pain and exasperation and a little anguish over Mr. Scrutiny ‘rejecting’ you, so I feel scared but hopeful that the comments below might help ease that a little. These issues you spoke about triggered these responses in me:

    1. your comment: “Mr Scrutiny had never met anyone like me. I told him “I was the prize”!…. he said he did not see it. So if that is case, why write me? Why care if I understand, Why hope I am well and at peace? Why bother at all…. ”
    my comment: Truly. Why bother at all? He saw it. He just didn’t know what to do with it. He is not honest with you or himself. He is, as you said, a Poser. Move on goddess Linda, there are better men ahead!

    2. your comment: “he even admitted that he knew that I was going to teach him how to love a “real woman”…. ”
    my comment: Mr. Scrutiny didn’t reject you he just chickened out having never encountered a true, dyed-in-the-wool, honest-to-goodness, can’t move-me-off-the-mark goddess. Men are as unprepared to experience the presence of a goddess as we have been to express being one!

    3. your comment: “Mr Scrutiny is undergoing a much needed makeover, I knew it from the first moment I met him.”
    my comment: even goddesses are not immune to having Imaginary Relationships…

    I feel scared that you will be hurt by the Imaginary Relationship comment. I feel hopeful that it will trigger only healing for you. I feel confident that as goddesses we understand there are only good motives involved in our interactions with one another. I still feel scared it will hurt you. But it stands and I send it to you with blessings.

  97.  #97janjune on October 4, 2009 at 11:12 am

    I feel stuck about being able to purposely switch hats. It feels thinky to me to have to switch hats.
    Who are we switching hats for?
    Why are we trying to appease someone else by switching hats?
    I feel understanding of the concept, thinky-boy, feeley-girl, but I want to be in feeley-girl since I have spent soooooo much time in thinky-boy in my lifetime.
    Maybe I’m carrying the concept too far. Maybe this switching hats out of thinky-boy thing is only within the confines of a relationship with your man. I think I am thinking too much.

  98.  #98tinque on October 4, 2009 at 11:20 am

    Janjune – This is how I feel about it. I’m in my body feeling girl mode most of the time and EASE into thinking doing boy mode when I have to.
    This was a process for me and one of amazing discovery, one of learning, about me, about my man, and about life. It has been difficult, and it has been great fun.

  99.  #99tinque on October 4, 2009 at 11:22 am

    I want to add that the journey continues. There is no “there” to get to. There are an infinite number of layers, shades and colors aspects of heart and spirit.

  100.  #100Rori Raye on October 4, 2009 at 12:02 pm

    JanJune, great question… There is simply no way to live a full, magnificent life without getting your boy out there in a huge way. You WANT to encourage your boy energy to to do the tech, logistical, organizational things that need doing to get yourself where you want to be, making the contribution to this world you want to make. There is no reason we can’t do this and be PRESENT at the same time…but it doesn’t take away from the fact that we are DOING. And practicing ANYTHING makes it the “default” position. That’s why my Tools work, like meditation works. You just DO these things, and your body, heart mind get retrained. You get a new “default.” You get a new “Normal.” You cannot go from Doing into Being without literally switching modes. Your physical body is different. Your electrical energy is different. Hormones are different. Action is very, very different from pure experience. Giving is different from receiving. You need to practice BOTH…and discover for yourself where you can be MOST girl…and how you can EXPAND how your boy works, too. Just PRACTICE the Tools around this, and you’ll see how it works for you. Love, Rori

  101.  #101janjune on October 4, 2009 at 1:14 pm

    Thank you Rori, I felt un-understanding of your reply and had to “sit with it” for a few mintues before I began to process it. I feel ashamed that I don’t know how to receive. I feel timid about beginning to lean back and wait–not DO anything. I feel resolute that I will be open to opportunities to recognize when I could lean back rather than doing.
    I felt mystified by your comment:
    “Action is very, very different from pure experience. ”
    I feel desirous of experiencing pure experience.

  102.  #102janjune on October 4, 2009 at 1:24 pm

    your comment:
    “This is how I feel about it. I’m in my body feeling girl mode most of the time and EASE into thinking doing boy mode when I have to.”
    Thank you for that tinque. I feel relief about being “in my body feeling girl mode most of the time” even though I have never been there.
    I feel perplexed about easing into thinking doing boy mode….oh, no it just clicked. Haha! Yippee!!!! Yes, I get it, it’s not that you begrudgingly go into boy mode, it’s just that you don’t jolt yourself into it. Is that what you mean by EASE into?

  103.  #103tinque on October 4, 2009 at 2:58 pm

    Janjune _ yes, yes, and yes, for me it’s not a jolt. I melt into boy mode, as I melt into girl mode.
    I’m so happy you had an AHA moment.

  104.  #104Laurie on October 4, 2009 at 3:00 pm

    I am a teacher. How do I switch hats?

  105.  #105janjune on October 4, 2009 at 3:38 pm

    i felt melty reading the words “melt into boy mode” but i just melted into a flat puddle.
    i feel resolved to practicing melting into boy mode
    as you said, (paraphrased) taking this amazing journey, discovery, learning the infinite number of layers, shades and colors aspects of heart and spirit.
    thanku tinque.

  106.  #106janjune on October 4, 2009 at 3:54 pm

    and melting “back” into girl mode.
    First have to practice Rori’s tips on breathing, feeling heartbeat, dropping energy into the tummy pelvis vagina, allowing it to stay there. and feeling alright about that. and experiencing pure experience.
    then rolling back and forth between the two, to me it feelings more like rolling, like rolling from one side to the other only standing up but rolling, which I don’t know how a person could really do that…
    i feel excited about the possibilities in life using these tools.

  107.  #107janjune on October 4, 2009 at 4:49 pm

    After practicing a little while i feel certain my energy has been mixed. it’s exhausting. i feel calmer in either girl mode or boy mode, not both at the same time as usual. Being mixed just feels like thousands of tiny “hats switches” going off in my head and body all at once constantly. I don’t want to go there anymore. I feel it has been keeping me off-balance.
    It feels like anxiety.
    It feels like lack of boundaries.
    it feels like exasperation and desperation.
    i feel self-conscious posting so much.
    I feel clear about wanting a record of today’s insights.

  108.  #108janjune on October 4, 2009 at 5:04 pm

    me again 🙂
    but omygosh! actually got the energy dropped down into the pelvis area. omygosh! I love the feeling of it! usually i carry it in my shoulders and neck (didn’t know that until now) but it’s holding thereROri, you’re right, the energy is diferent…

  109.  #109Uschi on October 4, 2009 at 5:54 pm

    Wow, girls did I make a catch today. Usually in Sep/Oct and Feb/March is a huge bridal show here in the DC area and I went to distribute my 500+ brochures cause I really want to get started in doing weddings from home. Well, I can’t afford $ 700-1200 for getting a booth so I had to go there either as mother of the bride or a bride and as such I can sign up to get door prizes too and that only costs $10 to get in + parking of course. There are two fashion shows one in the morning and one in the afternoon and I put all my brochures on the chairs there. Then I found some store that exhibited there too who was selling off their display dresses 10 bucks a dress and buy one get one free. Ha – I grabbed me two black dresses one ivory and a black blouse with matching jacket and scarf – 3 elegant evening dresses and a blouse with jacket and scarf that goes with almost anything else. What a steal. 20 bucks + 1 buck for tax – hey I am not that lucky every day – I feel like having a fashion show for myself or dance with myself but those dresses need letting out just a bit.
    During the fashion show they had those guys up there showing off tuxedos – some of them really good looking and there was one guy who I really liked looking at and like always I was in first row. Anyway they started throwing small plush animals at the audience and the women were screaming – well some of them guys just threw it randomly at the audience but that good looking guy (way too young for me but what the heck a bit of flirting doesn’t hurt) I smiled at him but I wasn’t yelling and screaming to get him to throw me the plush animal I just sat back and relaxed and at one point smiled at him. Guess who he threw the plush to – yep me I got it out of all them women who screamed and yelled he made a point of throwing it to me and not just into the audience like the others did. Seems to me like all them women were leaning forward with all that screaming and yelling and I just leaned back – at least it seemed like that to me.
    I am stuffed too cause of all the caterers there who had all those samples. All in all a really nice day and the weather was great too.

  110.  #110alias girl on October 4, 2009 at 6:02 pm

    janjune i feel good with all your posting. i feel good to follow along as you unfurl. i feel very excited you are on this journey. xoxo!

    tinque i love what you said in the other post about being turned on. yes! i feel yes!

    ann thank you for sharing that. 🙂

    ushi i felt excitement reading about your exotic plant arranging!

  111.  #111Uschi on October 4, 2009 at 6:08 pm

    I have not been able to do that dropping energy down into the lower part of my body, I can relax my shoulders but can’t drop energy just don’t get it. Just don’t feel it.

  112.  #112Ann on October 4, 2009 at 6:20 pm

    Uschi I also can’t drop my energy to my pelvis, good job janjune.

    Uschi it felt really good to read your descrpition of your day. You got some great deals there too.

    I’m glad you ladies liked the list I found on the web.

  113.  #113Linda on October 4, 2009 at 6:26 pm

    Thanks for your comments Janjune. I am not hurt by your comments of an imaginary relationship. I have tried to keep my feet on the ground and head out of the clouds.

    I have undergone a makeover….I am a much different person today than I was a year ago. I came to the end of myself. I was stirred to change and have. It was much needed.

    There are things about all this I did not share but what I stated is true. It is just in the beginning stages but the makover has already has started. Does it mean we will be together?… no but change no less is afoot.

    Its all good. I am in a good place.

    Thanks for your help

  114.  #114Uschi on October 4, 2009 at 6:43 pm

    Oh my gosh I just found the original price tags on those dresses I bought the solid black one had a price tag of $2995.00 the black one with the white trim was $3595.00 the ivory one that could actually be used as a wedding dress was $5996.00 and the blouse jacket scarf combination made of organza was $1569.00 – I think I had a fainting spell I got them all for 20 bucks – umpf

  115.  #115Ann on October 4, 2009 at 6:53 pm

    Linda I wanted to tell you I always feel empowered reading your words. I feel so much strength in them thank you.

    Uschi WOW fantastic

  116.  #116janjune on October 4, 2009 at 7:01 pm

    uschi, i feel hilarity that you got $14,000.00+ worth of clothing for $20. That feels tickly and silly and I feel like laughing with you. That’s hilarious!

  117.  #117janjune on October 4, 2009 at 7:14 pm

    I feel relief that the comment didn’t hurt your feelings.
    I feel curious about a makeover.
    Is the purpose of a makeover to express visually who you feel you are inside?
    Do you do a makeover by buying clothing you wouldn’t normally purchase? or by sticking with your own style but just get new stuff? I suppose it could be both. I feel intrigued by the idea of expressing myself visually in a new way. I don’t knowwhat it wouldbe yet though.

  118.  #118Uschi on October 4, 2009 at 8:22 pm

    I almost fainted when I saw those tags – and then I just sat down – I mean they got an ink stamp saying sample but it will come out with dry cleaning and one needs to have the zipper repaired the other has a button missing but what the heck I can do that I got a sewing machine so no problem in letting them out a bit too just in the back and there is enough seem to do it – I have never even tried on a dress in that price range in my life just to be able to say – yea I wore one of those – but you are right and I feel someone there has probably made a major mistake – how do you think I am gonna feel when I get to wear them – I mean they are evening gowns and meant for black tie or even white tie affairs and I may just get to wear them once or twice hopefully more but I am really gonna feel like a goddess – and I have decided that I will save out the ivory one cause it can be used as a wedding dress for when things work out between Dave and myself. It has like a thin taupe sash that goes from the chest under the boobs to the back and small silvery pearl with small iridescent beads and sequins accent up around the neck in like a swirl and like a broach in the middle gathering the sash but directly sewn on the rest is just like an A style flaring out – just simple elegance – I wish I could post pics of them for you – the black ones are basically the same style just no beads on the solid black one and just some very small black beads on the white trim on the other one. The dresses came to $14155.00 +6% tax = $15004.00 – wow I still have not wrapped my mind around that – I am stunned and so giddily happy for making such a catch – I betcha though getting matching shoes for the white dress is gonna be more expensive than what I paid for all 4 dresses LOL – I tried on the black dress with the white trim and I felt like a million bucks – that’s one I do not have to alter at all and teh fabric feels so sensual. Gosh I feel sooooooooooooo lucky.

  119.  #119janjune on October 4, 2009 at 8:40 pm

    yes, I’ll bet you look and feel like a goddess in your beautiful new clothes, so soft and flowly. If you have big beautiful weddings to do with your floral arrangements, maybe you’ll get a chance to wear the dresses more than just once or twice! I wish you could post pictures too!
    I’d probably put them on and wear them in the house! Ha! but i probably would! They sound so beautiful….
    I feel thrilled for you to have gotten such a magnificent bargain with your goddessey clothes!

  120.  #120Linda on October 4, 2009 at 8:43 pm

    For me my makeover was an internal emotional one. It involved me learning to love myself, embrace my strengths and weakness, failures, my accomplishments and dissapointments. They have all made me me… are a part of my goddess…. My internal makeover has manifest itselft outwardly. I walk with my head up, make eye contact and maintain it longer, speak what is on my heart. I smile more… I feel more open to the world around me.

    The internal changes have affected my dress outwardly too. I sink into my feelings when I shop now before it was practical only….I look for things that are still classy and tasteful but show more clevage, animal prints have shown up in my closet! ….underware that is colored and coordinated (before was always white before) …..I have bought new shoes… I wear heels lots! Animal print.. patent, red, etc etc.. I love the way they make me walk and I feel so feminine and sexy in them. I wore stilettos out on my date Friday… I felt sooo hot in them. I plan to buy a red leather coat Red is a passionate color for me the heck with practical… red it is! The other thing is I have my nails done and keep a tan. Not leather lady but…. a healthy glow….

    My environment at home… candles lit more and yummie sheets and aromas….

    My internal makeover has affected so much more than I thought ! It feels soooo good!


  121.  #121Linda on October 4, 2009 at 8:51 pm

    Ann, thank you. everyone out here is wonderful. I am glad that you feel strength from me. Sometimes I wonder just what comes through. This blog helps me so much.

  122.  #122Linda on October 4, 2009 at 8:53 pm

    15,000.00 for 20 bucks…. You are a shopping goddess! whooo hoo!

  123.  #123Daria on October 4, 2009 at 9:27 pm

    Symantha –

    them saying that sounds like an invitation to a drink to me.

    Anyways within the first few exchanges, or whenever I feel tired of writing back and forth (sometimes after ONE message)

    I just write:

    I don’t really like communicating online/messaging on myspace/e-mailing right now…

    im at 555 5555

    and then just lean back and not answer any more messages

    Rori said that this wouldn’t be leaning forward since it’s still up to him to call you or not

    PS – if he gives me HIS number first and says to call, I say…

    ohh I don’ like/feel uncomfortable/ don’t want to be calling men

    im at 555 5555

  124.  #124Daria on October 4, 2009 at 9:41 pm

    I am just learning to feel sink into my pelvis now, sometimes it feels weird, i feel so much more aware of my body than before. My eyes sometimes feel dry or other stuff comes up as im sinking

  125.  #125Daria on October 4, 2009 at 9:42 pm

    I went on the DATE FROM HELL.

    I feel exhausted to even describe. I don’t usually have this kind of experience.

    will probably post on it later, maybe tomorrow? i dono

    i feel sad all of a sudden remembering my dad yelling at me

  126.  #126janjune on October 4, 2009 at 9:55 pm

    oooooh Linda, a red leather coat! Goddess City!
    thanks for sharing about the makeover. you sound like you have gone from a white-underwear-wearin’ girl to a true female force of nature with your stilettos, matching colored underwear and animal prints!

  127.  #127janjune on October 4, 2009 at 9:59 pm

    I feel perturbed that someone mistreated you on a date.
    Hope you get a good night’s rest.

  128.  #128alias girl on October 4, 2009 at 11:13 pm

    linda i feel inspired by your makeover and your stilettos and animal prints. rowr!

  129.  #129Sasha J on October 5, 2009 at 12:40 am

    Hi goddesses and magical creatures,

    I feel my eyes going dry because I am trying to take in everyone’s words…and I feel privileged and feel safe like I am on a ride…and I feel inspired and motivated and feel saved….
    Chaudemaman…I bought myself a hot coffee this morning, was enjoying it an dlooked down on the lid…it said, attention! Chaud! Hot!

    LOL then I realised what your name meant…I feel Tickled you go girlfriend….

    My man has gone in for his surgery today….I’ve stopped scaring myself with thoughts and beliefs that he is going to ‘chain me in the house for weeks and demand I do his every bidding’…..

    Thanks to you lovely ladies,
    I remembered to lean back during this very nice weekend we have spent together…I felt safe and impressed watching him mow the lawns, do heaps of housework et al, getting ready for the days after surgery etc….and I was feeling petrified that he was going to make me do all that!!!
    I felt happy and comfortable pitching in when he asked and I felt like a sudsy goddess, doing the dishes.
    It felt weird at 1 point when I was feeling all worked up over the rugby grand finals, because I knew he was busy doing something house-y. I felt a little sheepish and giggly.
    There were a couple of times when things felt awful and stuff yet overall I feel very proud of myself whenever I felt bad, that instead of going with my head’s endless explanations of what was happening, I practised telling myself that i love my feelings, and that even though…..xxxxx, I deeply and profoundly love and accept myself…

    I feel a little guilty that I’m not feeling too worried about him, and am actually feeling excited about going back to the house and having it to myself and the 2 dogs and cats….what a menagerie!!

    baby step by baby step….

  130.  #130Flipper on October 5, 2009 at 5:58 am

    Daria – I feel intrigued about your date from hell. Somehow I don’t feel too worried, as I imagine you turning things around to your advantage, however icky things had got (but I feel terrible if there was violence).

    Thanks for the reminder about giving a phone number to internet guys. I don’t do dating sites myself, so I have no practical experience with this.

    “I’m at 555-5555 . “,

    and nothing more (except the other stuff Daria wrote, if appropriate). In case any Sirens find this too curt and are tempted to make it ‘more polite’ like “Would you please -….” or “You could ring me if you want, …, )my memory has been jogged and now I remember Rori saying not to. Just clean and simple – leaves everything in his court – it avoids making suggestions, showing neediness, etc. and to me it feels confident and powerful, with just a tad of vulnerability by allowing him access to my number.

  131.  #131Uschi on October 5, 2009 at 11:21 am

    I just had to look up the word VULNERABLE cause not being from this country and not having grown up with this language sometimes the exact meaning of a word escapes me and I have to look it up. What really stood out for me was “capable of being physically or emotionally wounded” and “open to attack or damage : assailable ” So I been turning this over in my mind – and – there are two ways of looking at it. As a woman we are most physically vulnerable when we give birth from outside attack (or so it used to be and still is with animals outside in nature) yet when we give birth it is one of the moments when we are strongest giving life to another being. Labor and delivery after all ain’t easy.
    I am speaking in general right now.
    Yet being vulnerable emotionally can lead to hurt, being taken advantage of and used. So does that mean we are purposely emotionally vulnerable to men and in such a way sort out the good from the bad and if the man takes advantage of it we weed him out from the pool of possibilities? And in a relationship there has to be a certain amount of trust in your partner to be able to be vulnerable and not being taken advantage of. Is vulnerable the same as being approachable? I think it could be being gullible too if one gets constantly taken advantage of and used. I have found that many times with many ppl I just put up a wall around me and won’t let them in, do I now maybe subconsciously do the same with my partner at times cause I am so much in the habit of forming that wall. How an I be more vulnerable with him around. Being vulnerable is not just a woman thing but I believe a man thing too especially emotionally. How do I recognize when he is vulnerable or is it that when he talks about past experiences that he has gone through he has build a wall up around him too and it is difficult to get to on an emotional level. I now feel some frustration with myself being confused, cause I don’t want to lay myself open to hurt (and I know he wouldn’t not on purpose anyway and if so I can use the feeling messages), yet I I want to be all woman.
    Scratching my head over that one.

    Main Entry: vul·ner·a·ble
    Pronunciation: \ˈvəl-n(ə-)rə-bəl, ˈvəl-nər-bəl\
    Function: adjective
    Etymology: Late Latin vulnerabilis, from Latin vulnerare to wound, from vulner-, vulnus wound; probably akin to Latin vellere to pluck, Greek oulē wound
    Date: 1605
    1 : capable of being physically or emotionally wounded
    2 : open to attack or damage : assailable
    3 : liable to increased penalties but entitled to increased bonuses after winning a game in contract bridge
    — vul·ner·a·bil·i·ty \ˌvəl-n(ə-)rə-ˈbi-lə-tē\ noun
    — vul·ner·a·ble·ness \ˈvəl-n(ə-)rə-bəl-nəs, ˈvəl-nər-bəl-\ noun
    — vul·ner·a·bly \-blē\ adverb

  132.  #132tinque on October 5, 2009 at 12:51 pm

    Uschi – Vulnerability is a must in order to have a deeply intimate relationship with anyone, especially a beloved. Yes it’s a risk, yet without risk you will never know how far you can go or love or be loved. Yes trust is a huge part of this. Yes you may be taken advantage of sometimes, and this is where honing your intuition comes in.
    Being open and vulnerable is one the scariest things you will ever do and one of the most rewarding.

  133.  #133Rori Raye on October 5, 2009 at 12:54 pm

    Welcome Laurie…okay. The teacher thing. 1. practice the Being Present Tools in my ebook – Listening at Level 2 and the Sensual Meditation…and DO them, as much as you can, during the school day. Practice really listening to your students WITHOUT getting into your head about what you need to do next…I think you’ll get to a whole new level of connection with them. 2. Ask THEM what THEY think, and listen. Dress in a way that’s authoritative, and yet has a feminine touch –let’s say a pink top under a neutral jacket or sweater…a bit of jewelry…makeup…Something that says ‘girl” to YOU. 3. the moment you leave school, go into “Girl” mode. Practice immediately by stopping for an errand and going completely into RECEIVING mode….3. Keep practicing the Tool from this post, and let me know. 4. Also – an improvisation class…one that works with “The Harold” is what you want…will help you become more spontaneous and let go and stop trying to control things. In improvisation, taught correctly, you learn to RESPOND AUTHENTICALLY, rather than trying to override what’s really going on in the moment with something you “think up.” Love, Rori

  134.  #134heartbeat on October 5, 2009 at 1:20 pm

    I know how my thoughts and feelings can unravel into fear and insecurity – the reason is irrelevant – in certain situations. I might not always feel unravelled in that way, or I might. I don’t know.

    At present I notice my patterns – my unravelling and also my turn-ons.

    Vulnerability…. intimacy…. is, for me, acknowledging my unravelling to myself first and foremost. And then choosing to talk about that with my man. So it’s not ‘his fault’ – but I share, and he might then choose, or not, to respond in a way that either helps me move forward and grow/ takes care in a cherishing way / grows with me and talks about his side of things, his self.

    And I get to choose if this works for me, or not.

    Which doesn’t mean I never get angry, or blaming etc.

    It just feels like I’m laying out the ‘feeling-facts’ of me, sometimes with ytears and a red face, sometimes with a big smile and a bit of stray lettuce on the end of my nose.

  135.  #135Linda on October 5, 2009 at 1:52 pm

    This might sound really weird. But here goes…
    Being vunerable.. is yummy. It makes me real. I used to not be able to go there at all. Ever!… but since I am not looking for validation or need it (even though it is nice to receive it) from men…. I can be vunerable now. Loving and liking myself has led me to be vunerable…It is absolutely freeing to me. I know to some it may feel scary…. too risky. It is at times.

    Take for example…with Mr Scrutiny I was vunerable with him. Till the end. I was truthful and honest, and open and genuine. I shared what was on my heart and how I cared for him when it was appropriate. I did not gush or act needy but he knew I felt love for him.

    I wrote him an email expressing just how I felt. I truely did not care what kind of response I got if any. I ended it with… well I feel pretty vunerable telling you this but so be it.!… I would rather appear foolish and be honest than to sit foolish in silence. I did it for me, his response did not matter. I received no validation from him but I did from me. I was proud of my willingness to speak my heart, full of feeling messages. It is a new skill.

    I do it now with new men I meet. They all seem drawn to me because of it. There are lots of people so worried about being rejected that they cant bare to take a risk. I really am surprised at myself. But I feel liberated. I am not going back into my box and keep my self all closed up and hope that someone notices me or finds me valuable hidden away there. Do I want some to validate and value me of course. Maybe now that I do someone will.. There is such a huge difference in me. It is just another way that I have oppened up to that allows me to be fully me.

    I struggle some times with what I should say, how much, how. Some times I dont say a word I go with how I feel. I have learned people cant read your mind and assumption will get you in lots of missunderstanding. I just try to keep it real and maintain peace.

    I told you it was weird, but it works for me.


  136.  #136gina on October 5, 2009 at 2:01 pm

    I didn’t have internet for a couple of days – it sucked! I missed you ladies!

    I feel ugh and a little depressed. Johnny’s grandfather, who was his father figure growing up, collapsed this weekend and is in the hospital with kidney problems. plus johnny is dealing with being laid off. needless to say, we didn’t have our date on Sunday. I feel sad and wish I could be there for him more, but i feel a little overwhelmed at the same time. i feel good that he’s beginning to let me “in” to his life – he’s sharing what’s going on and how he feels about it all. But it also feels like dangerous territory: I feel like I want to take care of him. but I also want him to emerge from this as manly and ready to take care of me.hmmm…

  137.  #137heartbeat on October 5, 2009 at 2:17 pm

    Linda, it doesn’t feel weird to me – not being invested in an outcome, not dependent on the validation of another, speaking your heart openly, sometimes bravely.

  138.  #138heartbeat on October 5, 2009 at 3:00 pm

    I feel curious as to what ‘The Harold’ is, Rori. I feel amused imagining what it might be. There used to be a TV character called Harry Worth – he wore glasses and a trilby and he’d often end the show by standing next to a shop window, half-hidden, so that he was reflected in the glass as a whole person – then he’d wave his arm & leg so he looked like a leaping snow angel 🙂


  139.  #139heartbeat on October 5, 2009 at 3:12 pm

    From Wikipedia:

    A typical Harold is 25 to 40 minutes. Given three unrelated scenes A, B, and C, the structure follows

    (I’m in boy mode now – lol!)

  140.  #140heartbeat on October 5, 2009 at 3:15 pm

    That feels very interesting – and reminds me of how following a structure (form) in poetry can free expression by providing boundaries to put it in. I feel excited by that.

  141.  #141heartbeat on October 5, 2009 at 3:32 pm

    I’m feeling a little crazy – I’m on really strong painkillers as I developed shingles last night. All weekend I thought I had indigestion. I feel all lopsided and uncomfortable and silly too. I feel so appreciative of how my man is taking care of me. He’s fast asleep now, I’m too hot to get into bed and very thirsty.

    Now I feel really tired so I’ll say nighty night xxxx

  142.  #142Daria on October 5, 2009 at 3:43 pm

    heartbeat –

    i think of the same thing about Feeling Messages…

    putting a structure “I feel…” opens up creativity when we get confortable with it

  143.  #143Flipper on October 5, 2009 at 3:55 pm

    Wow Gina – practically everytime you write these days you come out with the most marvelous insights: “I feel like I want to take care of him. but I also want him to emerge from this as manly and ready to take care of me.” Yessss, and then he Does it!

    We want what we want – everything and its opposite, and I do feel rightly so.

    Oh, poor Heartbeat – I hope you get lots of feeling good from being taken care of, and that that helps it pass quickly. xoxo

  144.  #144tinque on October 5, 2009 at 3:59 pm

    Oh you poor Heartbeat – I got shingles my last semester at UCLA, also the same time I had FINALLY left my ex. I thought I had bug bites, but it was my sister who knows way too much medical stuff for a lay person who knew that’s what I had and thankfully, gratefully.
    It’s not fun. Take good care.
    Sending you speedy healing thoughts.

  145.  #145Daria on October 5, 2009 at 4:08 pm

    Hearbeat… here’s a company that makes medicinal oils that WORKED for me on various issues. They also have a lot of research and explain the way their product works.

    It’s called http://fonoils.com/shinglesnomore.html

    I haven’t tried their shingles, but was Very impressed with Several of their other products (don’t care to mention right now lol).

    They are one of the only ones i have tried that Work, plus they have all the medical study info.

    If you are interested… it’s a resource I would personally use.

  146.  #146heartbeat on October 5, 2009 at 4:10 pm

    Hey Flipper – thanks and good to catch up with you – so you’re up late like me (I say night night then I’m wide awake lol).

    Tinque – it feels really good to receive healing thoughts – I’m closing my eyes and breathing deeply. Thank you. It’s weird – I’ve been feeling emotionally fabulous recently, shedding old skins, and feeling very clear and aware – and now I get this… feels very much as though I’ve new boundaries forming around all the activity I get myself involved in. I can really FEEL the difference between ‘ought’ and ‘enjoy’ and ‘maybe’.


  147.  #147heartbeat on October 5, 2009 at 4:13 pm

    Wow Daria – I just ordered that today!! Thank you for taking the trouble to post the link and for recommending it, I feel reassured. See – more synchronicity 🙂 xxx

  148.  #148tinque on October 5, 2009 at 4:14 pm

    Heartbeat – that’s not uncommon. It’s a release, and since our psyches are so closely tied to everything else, the physical too of course, it can and does come out in that way as in shingles. Come to think of it, mine could have been a purging of my ex LOL

  149.  #149heartbeat on October 5, 2009 at 4:16 pm

    Daria – lol yes they cover a range of ‘interesting’ conditions! I’d like to read more of their site, all the background stuff. xxxx

  150.  #150heartbeat on October 5, 2009 at 4:18 pm

    Tinque – that’s what I felt when I read your comment about leaving your ex, yes definitely release! Oh I feel like dancing now (and it’s not the medication lol!)xxxx

  151.  #151Uschi on October 5, 2009 at 5:09 pm

    so how does one become vulnerable? It’s quite difficult for me cause it is so much easier to put up that wall fast and be defensive or sometimes even offensive. Not that I am offensive with him but defensive at least up to now when I started with Rori’s tools. We haven’t had a “discussion” or argument in a while ever since I started leaning back but I am afraid that when one should come up, up will also come my defenses or wall and that’s what I need to watch out for and for being vulnerable that is something I really have to learn to get into.

  152.  #152tinque on October 5, 2009 at 5:19 pm

    Uschi – Desire is a good place to start. And bit by bit as the trust builds. It takes being hyper aware of when the walls do come up. It takes being brave and resolute when the fear creeps in, and it will. It takes being okay when the walls go up anyway despite your diligence. It takes not giving up.
    As you reap the rewards that being vulnerable ultimately brings, it gets easier. I don’t know if it’s ever easy though.

  153.  #153janjune on October 5, 2009 at 7:33 pm

    Here is a quote from Rori’s ebook (it’s so, SO good)!

    Rori quoted Merle Shain in her chapter on vulnerability:
    “I only know the answer doesn’t lie in learning how to protect yourself from life. It lies in learning how to strengthen yourself so you can let a bit more of it in.”


  154.  #154nikita on October 5, 2009 at 7:53 pm

    janjune, uschi,

    the other day i was texting with my ex and i wrote “i feel vulnerable expressing this but………”

    He replied with: thanks for being clear. Don’t feel vulnerable.

    I asked; define vulnerable according to you and why is it something not to feel?

    He rang me to explain; vulnerable means you are open to attack and have to protect yourself…you don’t have to feel that way….

    I share it as I feel riveted by all of this discourse on vulnerability..

    fyi that chat we had was a week ago…..great timing 🙂

  155.  #155Simply Shannon on October 5, 2009 at 8:18 pm

    Re: vulnerability…

    A guy online had something about being vulnerable in his profile. (Talk about fortuitous!) Of course I felt immediately intrigued by that and asked him what he meant. Here is his response unfiltered.
    You’re the only woman that has asked me about vulnerability. Now I’m intrigued! I would absolutey LOVE to share what vulnerability means to me. Strangely enough I feel a bit wary right now of going too far into it right off the bat lest I run you off, but keeping it under wraps when asked would be the exact opposite of what is so inviting to me about being vulnerable. To me, there is something very attractive, and innocent about someone willing to expose their insecurities; accepting their liabilites as much as they do their assets. When I’m without defense, I’m placing my egoic fear-based illusions at risk of attack, and there seems to be no ground more fertile for trust and creativity than that.
    We’re going out on Thursday for the first time. 🙂

  156.  #156alias girl on October 5, 2009 at 9:28 pm

    nikita your ex sounded caring of your feelings. i felt safety when reading that.

    shannon – yae! i feel so happy your are out there and mixing it up!

    what happened to my men? I feel desirous of having more men in my rotation.

    i have been feeling more turned on in life- in general- i feel a little – exposed. like, oh my is it ok to feel this way all the time as daria mentioned in one of her posts?

    new territory for me. i feel like i have my cape on. just wondering if i can fly. i feel a little nervous and excited.

  157.  #157janjune on October 5, 2009 at 9:56 pm

    He replied with: thanks for being clear. Don’t feel vulnerable.
    He rang me to explain; vulnerable means you are open to attack and have to protect yourself…you don’t have to feel that way….
    omygoodness nikita, i feel respect and admiration and sensuality and protection to you from your man.

    sounds like a great date!

    Alias girl-
    I used to help take care of bluebirds and remember when the babies were ready to leave the nest.
    Fly baby fly!!

  158.  #158laughing goddess on October 5, 2009 at 10:04 pm

    Hi lovely ladies!

    I feel missing of you. Haven’t been around for a few days as I have been working like a mad woman.

    I feel freaked out at the moment. I have been working with J all day and the woman he has been dating came over a little while ago and now they are having an argument outside because she is leaving to go hang out with a guy friend. He doesn’t seem to want to be with her until she goes and spends time with other men. I guess that’s a testament to circular dating. 🙂

    Enough about them though…I’d like to explore my feelings about all of it. I feel sickened. I feel annoyed. I feel pissed off because I am ready to go home and we were just going to finish one thing and now I feel torn between waiting while they argue and just leaving. I want to just leave but they are out by my car and I don’t want to go out there. I feel disturbed. I feel happy that I have this moment though to be with my feelings. I feel sad that he is caught in this cycle with her. I feel sad that I am involved just by being here. I feel weird. I feel curious about what kind of advice you all would give me about this.

    I feel good about myself though. I feel happy that I am not in a dysfunctional relationship. That feels really good. I feel like a goddess. I know I am the prize. I feel certain that I don’t have to be involved in crazy games. I love myself. I feel happy with my choices and behaviour. I feel thankful for the example she had provided for me. I can see how some of the things she does really pull him in and some just push him away. I feel like this is just an interesting study for me. I feel really cool about learning so much. I feel grateful that I will never feel powerless in a love situation again. I feel beautiful, and confident, and flowing and…. I feel really uncomfortable. I feel not attracted to him. I feel puking. I feel confused. I want to run. I want to run far far away and never have to see the two of them again.

  159.  #159Uschi on October 5, 2009 at 10:52 pm

    laughing goddess

    why should you wait to leave when you want to leave and go home just because they are near your car. YOU wanna you go – you go you don’t have to wait for them to finish arguing. Being near your car is their problem not yours and I think both of them know your car they didn’t have to take the argument there. I find that ignorant by both of them. They are disrespecting you.

  160.  #160lita on October 6, 2009 at 8:18 am

    Dear Rori,
    This topic of “switching hats” makes me want to share my bewilderment at how a woman is supposed to handle her energies when she is interested in, or going out with, a work colleague. As you can imagine, this is happening in my case. I am interested in someone I work with, he is in fact slightly senior than myself, though not my boss. So I have to be “male” (initiate things, let him know I’ve gotten things done, contact him about a number of boring details, remind him of deadlines, comment on projects etc.) and “female” at the same time so that his attraction for me continues to grow. Do you have any practical tips for reconciling the two “hats” in my case?

  161.  #161Uschi on October 6, 2009 at 9:45 am

    alias girl,

    reading a post from about a year ago on another page I came across something you wrote

    “i realize the reason i don’t think i am worthy of a good guy is bc i don’t wake up early in the morning and i’m not constantly on the go. i feel shame about that. i mean i get things done in my own time and i do fun things and i don’t over sleep its just my life looks different than the norm and i feel great shame about that but i don’ t want to change some of these things so i just avoid relationship so i can avoid being judged”

    I can so relate to what you said there. My life looked different from everyone else from the moment I was concieved. I was born out of wedlock spent the first year in a home for unwanted children because my grandfather was so ashamed of my mother for having a child and not being married. Then re felt that after all it wasn’t my fault and I shouldn’t be in that home and brought me HOME. I became the apple of his eye like we say in Germany. He died when I was 9 and still today if I could bring him back to life I would dig him out of his grave with a toothpick if I had not other tools. So many times I wanted to have a father and mother and brother or sister like everyone else. I wanted normalcy. But as it happens so often you don’t appreciate what you have till its gone. It wasn’t until much later that I came to appreciate my grandfather for what he did. Not only did he overcome his feelings of shame but he is a major factor in my young years. He was the one who took me for walks every day, he was the one who took me to the park, he was the one who took me along to help pick out the tree for Christmas and later on let me hand him very carefully the decorations, he was the one who came to school to bring me my pencil case that I had forgotten. He was the one who talked to the teacher about the other children beating me up on the way home from school because of my hair color and because I was different. Not that my mother wouldn’t have but she was handicapped cause of polio and just couldn’t do all that walking. She did come to the park on occasions but took the street car there and only after she made preparation to have lunch almost ready for when we came home. (In Germany lunch is what is dinner here – the big meal of the day – actually much healthier – have breakfast like a king, lunch like a citizen and dinner like a beggar is what we say and if you want to know why just ask me)
    After he died many many things changed. There was no regular Christmas tree cause it was too much work for her being handicapped etc.

    So you can see how I can relate to you cause my life surely didn’t follow the norm. I am a night owl, do my best things at night, therefore I sleep in and I am not very energetic in the mornings. I like doing things my way and here is where the problem comes in; being brought up in a typical German way -you get up “early” make the bed, make breakfast, then you start cleaning house, you dust, mop, wash, clean, cook, etc etc etc, then you dutifully let your husband have sex with you because that is in the contract of the marriage, you take care of him make him comfortable, bring him his beer so he doesN’t have to get up while watching TV.
    Well, – THIS IS NOT ME !!!!!! – I don’t get up “early” make the bed, make breakfast, then clean house, dust, mop, wash, clean, cook, etc etc etc. – I HATE DOING THOSE THINGS – at least on a regular bases like prescribed by the way I was brought up. I get up in the morning when I wake up at least while I am not working, and first thing is coffee and ciggi. Then when I am awake I check my emails – now also new blogs on this page which is IMPORTANT – I do what I want to do when I want to do it – BUT – I feel guilty for not being the perfect woman as I was brought up to be. So as in previous relationships I performed. As Rori says OVER- FUNCTIONING and I performed very well and resented it and then I stopped and let it all slide. That’s when things stared going wrong. I started hating myself for not being perfect, started being afraid of being judged of not being normal and I lost the energy of doing anything and did nothing and couldn’t deal with that either.
    I didn’t have the tools I have now where Rori teaches love yourself for who you are and what you are and work with that. Now however I am trying to feel, and many times it triggers memories and then I am searching for the trigger and sometimes I find it because random memories come up with feelings and they have to be related – at least that’s what I think – and then I try to be me accept that this is me and where I come from and everyone else including Dave has to accept that about me and in me. Up till a few weeks ago, when I first came across Rori and her blog, I have made changes to please others to be “normal” and not to be “judged” and I think that is what Rori means by being authentic – however I also feel that this is where being vulnerable comes in – because if you are authentic then you are also vulnerable because your authenticity could be attacked, judged, criticized and wounded which means you are not accepted but asked to change to fit the norm – someone elses norm.
    I don’t want to change either, though when in a relationship some compromises have to be made by BOTH and I believe those are up to you and your partner and what both of you can live with.

    Rori, I would really like your thoughts on this and also I would like to know if at a future time and place this would be something I should discuss with Dave.

    Sirens, what do you think?

  162.  #162Uschi on October 6, 2009 at 9:56 am

    Now that I reread my post above I also realize that all this is easy to write down but it will be so much harder to put into action. I keep telling myself baby steps – but I wanna run in big strides and get moving – but I believe if I did that as much as I want to things would not get worked out completely and would be incomplete – just like making a floral arrangement – preparatory work first which is the basic of building or arranging a great floral display.

    I hate knowing I am just starting with that but yet I am not afraid of what lies ahead. I hope I can make it and get ahead – trying not to doubt myself cause that would be limiting

  163.  #163Kat on October 6, 2009 at 10:42 am

    Rori, I love you! I grew up in a household of 4 brothers and my dad. My mom lived half way across the country. Being a “girl” has ALWAYS been difficult for me. I’ve always been one of the boys. Getting a boyfriend has never been a problem for me, but keeping one around has been difficult. I always hear the same thing. My boyfriends always say that I make them feel like they aren’t good enough for me. This makes sooooo much sense to me! I can take my “boy” hat off and be a girl and fall into the arms of my man. I LOVE IT! Rori, your teachings have brought me so much confidence! I’ve always felt like there was something wrong with me and this little blog gives me so much to love about myself! I’ve been reading a lot of your other stuff too, I should get the Siren program in the mail today. I’m super excited! Your awesome lady!

  164.  #164alias girl on October 6, 2009 at 11:05 am

    uschi i feel compassion and melting when i read what you wrote. i actually still have that same sort of resistance going on in that area. except it’s not as difficult for me to get up in the mornings as it once was and i also have far less shame about my quirky lifestyle. i just care so much less about what people think.

    sometimes i feel curious how a man will fit into my life but that is me trying to go from a to z in two seconds. i imagine we will just softly grow together and adapt. baby step by baby step. right NOW I am circular dating and enjoying that. the universe tends to work things out for me so i imagine my perfect-for-me mate will fit in nicely with my intuitive way of moving through my life.

    in some ways i feel grateful i did not get into a life partnership earlier. i also would have tried to be what i *thought* was expected of me and evetually have resented it as well. currently i am not a great cook. i Could be. maybe some day i will be. or maybe not. i used to have this idea that i had to do all these things for a man and never really had ideas about what he would be doing for me. in my head i just “had” to do these things just to keep him.

    i don’t feel that way anymore. i adore who i am and feel me being me is a pretty good gift. so i would choose a man who just enjoys me rather than a man who needs a maid or cook.

    oh trigger. my EX used those exact words in our last conversation. he said “i just Enjoy you” and i said “i enjoy you too.”

    ok untrigger. lots of other men enjoy me. i am enjoyed by many. thank you for these wonderful men in my life and my five good men boyfriends.

  165.  #165Nikita on October 6, 2009 at 12:07 pm

    Grr….I feel sooo angry . This guy said he’d prepay for the taxi to the airport. He forgot. Scream!!!!!!! I had to pay and I did not budget for that plus I feel tricked!!!!! I’m on the plane but how am I going to spend 4days with him????
    I feel like crying! My ex would never do that to me!!!! He always took care of my taxi….
    I love my anger 🙁

  166.  #166Nikita on October 6, 2009 at 12:13 pm

    I felt like not getting on the plane and going home….we talked about this taxi thing before. It is so a dealbreaker. How am I going to relax? I feel furious!!!!!!!! I need people to keep their promises! Otherwise keep your mouth shut! I didn’t ask for anything!!!!! I miss my ex so much now I feel like crying a million tears…..I’m feeling NOT horny at all!!!

  167.  #167alias girl on October 6, 2009 at 12:52 pm

    i feel supportive nikita. i don’t want to advise you. but i do want to support you. xoxo

  168.  #168T.R. on October 6, 2009 at 1:15 pm

    This is such an interesting post. It is something that I often struggle with, and truthfully in the past have felt as though by not “doing”, I was giving up my independence. Over the weekend I went out with my boyfriend and some friends. He decided to go home and I continued hanging out with my friends. He expressed concern for me, which I ignored. This turned into a 3 hour phone discussion that I ended by stating that I felt controlled (very masculine). He stated the next day that he does not want to control me ever, he wants to make sure I am safe. I then quickly switched hats to listening to his explanation of wanting to protect me from harm, and I literally sank into his arms while he said this. And it felt great! I was able to take off my masculine hat and let him take care of me. When I came to work this morning, my co-worker told me that I was “absolutely glowing”. I hope I can continue with doing this because it seems to really work!

  169.  #169Nikita on October 6, 2009 at 1:42 pm

    I landed 🙂 feel better

  170.  #170Nikita on October 6, 2009 at 1:53 pm

    Alias girl,

    thank you, that felt good.

    I tapped on some anger and stuff, I wanted to have good vibes for all the other passengers…..I realized this is the anger I felt with my mom. She NEVER kept her promises to me. I feel a connection with that to men….my mom is very masculine even in a skirt and heels.

    So, after tapping I felt better and this guy on the plane gave me his number:) he even wrote a little note..I haven’t read it….I feel so shy but maybe …..hehe ….and all these other guys are complimenting my smile…..I love it here!

  171.  #171alias girl on October 6, 2009 at 2:27 pm

    yae nikkita. i feel so happy you turned it around! you go goddess!

    i feel happy you decided to get on the plane too! an adventure!!!

  172.  #172Rori Raye on October 7, 2009 at 2:03 pm

    Kat, Welcome, and you sound fabulous, Thank you so much for letting us know how much better you feel and what helps you. Love, Rori

  173.  #173alias girl on October 7, 2009 at 2:07 pm

    yae kat!!! i feel enthusiastic too! i feel happy you are finding your girl hat to switch to when you want to.

  174.  #174Rori Raye on October 7, 2009 at 2:10 pm

    Hi, Lita, GREAT question…I’ll write a post about this. Basically – it’s classic switching hats. “By day…you run the company…by night….you wear pink and sit on the couch eating bon bons and petting the cat and purring…” Only, you have to do that kind of switching all day long. YOU know when it’s about work and when it’s about personal. See if you can tell. Do your job supurbly, and when it’s not job-time….be a girl. Just try it out. It’s actually FUN!!! Love, Rori

  175.  #175Jennifer F on October 7, 2009 at 3:34 pm


    I am excited for that post on how to switch hats from work and personal. I have asked the question before How do I “Lean Back” when it’s my job to “Lean Forward”? You had told me to do my job the best way it makes me feel good and to the best of my abilities, and then on personal time to be the “girl”. I recently had to take my “man” aside and correct him on a issue at work… I had to be soo masculine and it felt yucky having to “correct” him. I felt like it switched the whole flow of energy between us. I did my best to ask him “How he felt we could better this situation?” or “Did he have ideas to improve this particular issue?” I tried to approach it as a “we” thing instead of a “him” thing… but maybe that was overfunctioning by making it a “us” thing instead of a “he needs to fix this issue.” Any thoughts?

  176.  #176lita on October 7, 2009 at 10:59 pm

    I would LOVE to read a post from you on this topic! I’m sure many women are in this situation and it’s not easy to deal with, especially when you want to attract someone that you’re not already dating (i.e. what they see in the office is ALL they get to experience from you). The man I’m interested in, who flirts openly with me, said to me yesterday concerning a project we’re working on “please push me, I need you to push me, I’ve got too much on my plate right now, kick my butt if I’m slow”. I replied “I don’t feel comfortable pushing anybody” to which he responded “but I’m asking you to do this, we need to really push each other and get this thing off the ground”. He is the project manager, after all. What am I supposed to do?

  177.  #177Flipper on October 14, 2009 at 2:50 pm

    Just want to complete something I wrote above: ” ‘Logical’ thinking not based on genuine feeling leads to disaster, just as raw emotion disconnected from rational thought does” IF it is acted out. (Of course, Feeling the raw emotions without the interference of ‘rational thought’ is what we’re all about here.)

  178.  #178Lorraine Joubert on March 25, 2011 at 6:24 am

    Hi Rori, I did the boy/girl exercises and it’s amazing – I did it while eating dark chocolate – (Sinking into your vagina, while eating dark chocolate is something!). OK, not only am I naturally a teacher, I am a social worker. I analyse, I rescue… I think you can relate to that? I’m not sure how I’ll get out of that “mode” when I am with a man.