Talk To Your Man And Bring Him Closer

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I was taught to hold it all in, and then resent what’s going on around me.

And it’s taken all the Tools I’ve created for myself and a fierce desire to be IN my body, to know my own heart, and to connect with people I love to turn that around for myself.

Every moment of every day, when I stand next to my husband, my friends, my co-workers, my family, and especially my daughter, I want – more than anything – to simply BE there.

To just simply be where I am, and then express, out loud, how I feel about what I see and hear and feel. To express the love and appreciation, and yes – anger and fear in my heart in the moment I become aware of it.

And I’ve discovered that with every tiny step I take in this lovely direction I wish to go, my life and all my relationships change dramatically – and instantly.

It’s as though, as I sink into comfort and harmony with who I am and how I feel at every moment – everyone else becomes more comfortable and in harmony with themselves – and then the connection between us becomes almost electric with good feelings.

Here’s a letter from Linda, who’s struggling with things unsaid…

“Dear Rori, I have been in a relationship for the last three years with a man. Everything can be fine one minute and suddenly everything changes over one small thing. We normally get along very good and he has ask me to marry him in the past. I did not marry him because he seems unstable to me. He seems unstable because one sentence or word every six months or so can just throw him and that makes me wonder.

Like one time we had left a party for his daughter from a prior marriage and I made the comment that it was weird spending so much time with his ex-wife’s new in-laws. He immediately asked if I was “going to leave him.”

It is either him leaving me or me leaving him that comes up out of his mouth. Why does leaving constantly come up for him? Does he not remember the past three years and all the wonderful things that have came true in our relationship? Do men not have a memory? Why would one thing bring up leaving so quickly? Is it him or men in general? Is he just looking for a way out? Is there no trust after awhile? Linda”

Here’s my answer:

Linda, the question to ask yourself is – if you would not marry him before because you felt he was unstable, why are you still with him? And instead of asking me what he’s thinking with his bouncing back and forth between him leaving/you leaving – the Rori Raye way to do this would be to talk to HIM.

That means sharing with him, “I don’t know what to say when you talk about leaving…It makes me feel unsettled. I really want a close, intimate, trusting relationship, I want to feel like I can say anything, that we could talk through anything…”

Seems to me if you’ve already rejected him for marriage, he might be feeling insecure and needy. He might feel like something’s wrong with him. Is that how YOU feel? Is this experience that happens every 6 months all that’s bothering you? Seems to me if you’re not willing to marry him, instead of trying to find out what HE’S thinking, see if you can focus on how YOU feel with him. How do you feel about the level of communication and connection? Have a talk and see what happens.

Telling the truth is always the answer, and saying it in Feeling Messages, with compassion for yourself AND him (and using all the other Tools in my ebook and programs that will take you step-by-step through this way to talk and BE with your man that will BRING HIM CLOSER instead of pushing him away) could change everything for you – with the most positive results you could dream of!

Love, Rori

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  1.  #1Danielle on September 12, 2008 at 8:50 am

    I understand how Linda must be feeling. I once ended a relationship because I felt that he was unstable and wanted to marry me because of the circumstances, but could change his mind at anytime. I decided to end this relationship while still in love with him because I started loving myself more and it became clear to me that he was not the one. It was hard at the time, but a couple of years later I can say that I was better off.
    Great post Rori… looking forward to the next one.

  2.  #2Rori Raye on September 12, 2008 at 11:27 am

    Danielle, Thank you so much for telling us your inspirational personal story – It helps so much to hear you say that even though you were in love with him, you were able to stay in touch with what you were truly feeling about the relationship, and about what you really wanted – and that leaving him actually got you moving toward what you really want. Look forward to more of your personal story and your insights. Love, Rori

  3.  #3Samantha on December 17, 2008 at 7:54 pm

    Hi Rori, My man and I have been together for a year on the 20th, and it seems as though our communication between each other still has not changed for the better. It continues to get worse and hes constantly fighting with me “not to talk” He just tells me that he doesnt want to hear me “bitch and whine” and tries getting out of talking with me. I had a couple issues (his controlling ways, and being judgmental) I wanted to talk to him about and I asked him if we could talk later tonight after work, and he got so defensive and started getting angry with me for wanting to talk- he thinks that talking doesnt help, and that he doesnt want to talk to me. etc. I have tried sooo many different techniques to communicating with him, but nothing I do seems to work out. so after all of that and ignoring me etc he tries to get me to get intimate with him and I was trying to say something to him, basically about mending our fight – and he got turned off and walked out to the other room…and he is ignoring me again…
    Please help…

  4.  #4Maria on October 7, 2009 at 6:24 pm

    Hi Rori, do you have any discussions on men who will NOT communicate and shut down completely when you try to discuss anything with him?

  5.  #5Rori Raye on October 7, 2009 at 7:20 pm

    Hi, Maria Welcome, and it’s all in HOW you talk to a man. There’s stuff all over this blog that will help…if you’ll write some detailed comments with specific conversations and attempt you’ve made, perhaps we can tweak your “speeches” and make a difference. Love, Rori

  6.  #6Maria on October 8, 2009 at 6:51 am

    I guess I should break everything down for you. I have been with my boyfriend for two years next month. I met him in May 2007 from a mutual friend. He saw me and asked about me so I decided to meet him. At the time I just got out of a long term relationship and I was casually dating someone. I met him in August for drinks and we had a really good time. And then my ex came back from out of town and was staying with me for a week so I kind of stopped all communication with my current boyfriend. He was very persistant to get me. I finally decided in Novemeber to take him up on the offer and going out on a date. We hit it off! From that moment on we were inseperable. I lost my mother a few months later and he was there for me, immensly. I also have shared custody of my nephew and come from a family with “alot” of issues and he has accepted everything. I do seem to get a bit persistant – I have anxiety and I usually don’t stop with questions..ever. He is very laid back, soooo laid back. We talked about marriage the first year we were together, but I think I obsessed about it so much that now when I talk about it it makes him annoyed. WHich brings us to the discussion on friday night. Like I said he does not communicate WELL at all, shuts down completely. Mind you I am very close with his parents – so is my nephew. We go on trips together, spend the holiday’s together, so it’s not just casual dating. I want to know if he still plans on marrying me. So I constantly bring it up in round about ways until I explode – Like Friday. He was driving home from work and I started with “what is the deal with us, where are we going” and he always answers with jokes ALWAYS. I started b/c he was joking asking when I will start cooking him dinner and I said when you put a ring on my finger. And he said “babe, you and this ring”. So that led to me going on and on and on with what is going on here, etc. WHich causes him to shut down. He said WOW you just can’t relax this is all you talk about. I went to hise house and he was cleaning. I again asked and he was very frustrated and said he doesn’t want to talk about it. Finally he says “i do not want marriage or kids anytime soon”. I was floored. So I said why did you say soon a few weeks ago when I asked? Just to pacify me? And he said YES just so you would stop and I could enjoy the game. My friends are telling me he clearly did all of that b/c he was so frustrated and it was the ONLY way to get me to stop with this. I have literally been doing this for over a year and everyone has been telling me that I am too much and I need to relax – including him. NOW I am just very confused and I don’t know if he just said that OR if he said that for me to just STOP. He is acting totally fine, like nothing happen at all. Completely all affectionate with me. Altho, he has seen a bit of a change b/c of have stepped back some and has been more questionable with things the last few days. Like wondering who I am texting, talking to, etc. Rori, I think I did this b/c I have done EVERYTHING for him. Cleaning, washing clothes, doing dishes.. EVERYTHING at his house b/c that is me, i am a caring person and I have always been a caregiver so I guess I didn’t think anything of it. PLEASE help me, any suggestions you have would be greatly appreciated. I love him very much and I do NOT want to leave him, I am just not so totally confused.

  7.  #7Maria on October 11, 2009 at 10:07 am

    Hi Rori,

    If you could give me any insight on my previous post, i would much appreciate it! 🙂